One year.
One year today.
My heart has been feeling this day approach for some time, and it's a feeling I cannot explain. A year that will be unequalled and so poignant. Living through 'the fog' of the early months, then an almost desperate clarity, an acute sense of time moving on, all around you, and then sometimes just stopping when a memory - some happy, some haunting, rises up. The emotional cycle of grief, not linear, but often described as crashing and rolling waves of just grief. And learning to live with it. Learning to live again. It's a bit like that...
He always said he was the luckiest man to have met me and for us to build a life together, but I was the lucky one. It's amazing how much things change when you experience such a profound loss. I look at the world differently now, things that I thought were important before, just aren't anymore. My relationships are different, I am more cautious, I am trying to learn who to trust and who not to, and I'm learning it really is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I think about life and faith and sorrow and joy and hope...and I talk about these things with the kids, when it's needed.
Love changes you, and loss changes you, and I find myself often thinking about how Adam was such a light to so many, and in very simple ways, and how much I admired that about him. He was grateful for so much, all the way to the end. Stepping into this next year without him is still scary, but that's the funny thing about time. It doesn't stop, if you are blessed with another day, you have to live it. And know that there is still much to be done. I am committed to continue bringing awareness and helping to raise money for stomach cancer research, so that eventually a cure is reality for those fighting this disease and those who are coming behind. A small part of a bigger purpose...I decided to host a charity softball tournament in his memory this Fall, in partnership with Stupid Strong, and look forward to bringing the community together for a great cause!
The kids are doing well - Ava is off and settled at Baylor for her freshman year, Gavin is now a sophomore and is excited about his classes and to be studying audio/visual arts, Gabby is trying out for the volleyball team this week and focusing on theater, and Graham is playing ball again this Fall...I'm grateful for them and for how life's lessons swirl around us every day, and how God's promises are still there, through the ups and downs.
When I returned to work last October after taking some time off after Adam passed, I was managing a large team. I knew it might be hard for them to connect with me, not knowing what to say or how to be around me, so I sent out a message, and I thought I would share it here too, because even a year later, I think sometimes it is still hard to know how to interact with someone who has experienced a loss. Maybe this will help, it helps me.
....I recognize that often times, people may not know what to say to someone who has lost a loved one and who is grieving – I didn’t before all of this. It’s an uncomfortable topic, so I thought it would be helpful to share a few tips with you so when you interact with me, I can hopefully alleviate any awkwardness or questions….
DO
- Ask how I’m doing if you feel inclined – it shows me you care.
- Know that I am still grieving and will be for a long time – grief is not something you ‘get over’; it’s something you learn to live with.
- Understand that I may respond differently in some situations than I may have in the past – I’m not the same person anymore.
- Share your own experiences with loss and what you may have done to cope – we’re all in this life together.
- Keep me and my family in prayer if that is something important to you – my Christian faith is the only thing that has gotten me this far.
DON’T
- Assume I’m ‘back to normal’ – there is no such thing. I am working on the healing journey every day and that may look different from day to day.
- Hesitate to ask tough questions – I now have knowledge I never thought I would have and experiences that I hope to help others by sharing.
- Not say Adam’s name if we’re talking and if it comes up as part of our conversation – I hope to say his name every day as it keeps his memory alive.
- Underestimate the power of showing grace – to me, to your co-workers, to others around you – y’all, this year has been HARD!
- Be surprised if you see me show more emotion while on calls. I may shed tears, I may need to step away from the camera, or I may be completely ‘okay’ on the outside – it is all normal, but I can understand how it may potentially be uncomfortable.
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And so I end this blog with a huge thank you to everyone who has shown support and love this past year. The kids and I so appreciate it, and we are going to be ok. Keep the faith, be kind to each other, and don't forget to take time for all those moments that matter.
Love,
Charlotte, the 3 G's and Ava
