My dear friends, faithful readers near and far, and loved ones,

I have marvelous news. This week Rachel and I learned on Monday, November 18th, 2019, that I am completely done with chemotherapy and cancer treatments!  Yes, a day that will be remembered in perpetuity.  You see, I haven’t been 100% transparent with you over these last couple of months.  In July, we headed back to STL to have an MRI (what we have come to call “getting scans”) completed following a month after completing radiation therapy.  Those scans showed, and I quote, “no sign of disease”.  Yes, those were the exact words that made my heart leap as well.  The doctor just kind of let them roll off their tongue like no body’s business and I did a double take over to Rachel and we said, “Come again?” “Yeah, you’re all good.  The scans are clean.  Good news, isn’t it?”  You better freaking believe it!  Can we get some emotion in here please?  We walked out of Wash U with our heads held high and in great spirits. We laughed, we cried, we held each other knowing that we have overcome yet another obstacle on this journey.

When you receive news like that, you want to shout it from the roof tops (or post on Facebook, that seems to be more effective than grabbing that megaphone you stole in college and clambering up your roof line scaring all of your neighbors). You want to be joyous.  You want to share in this… but… if I’m honest, given the nature of what we are going through, you also want to hold it close to your chest.  Could it really be?  How do we really know?  Is this true?  What if I tell people and it comes back?  What if we aren’t really done? I don’t think I can do this again…not after telling everyone that we are done.

Now, hear me out.  Do not live in fear! You celebrate every waking moment! Life is good. Being alive is good.  I knew that I wasn’t done yet.  I still had to complete 4 more rounds of chemotherapy here back in Kansas City. I was not looking forward to this.  It’s what we have come to call “insurance” or “carpet bombing”.  We had to make sure that every single malignant cell was destroyed. This meant staying in the battle.  We may have won this skirmish, but the fight is not over.  After all, I did have 5 months more to trudge on.  So, I kept this information close, and kept my emotions in check knowing what the future had in store.

I can now say that in September we had another scan and that too proved to be negative – a very positive thing for me.  And as we went in this week before Thanksgiving we learned that I am now done with chemotherapy. Yes, something to be celebrated.  As with most battles we love a good outcome. A fairy-tale ending as it were.  History is written by the victors as it would seem, and the victors tend to leave out the less flattering moments.  I don’t want to do that.  These last 5 months haven’t been fun.  I’ve been in and out of the hospital (planned regiment of the chemo for 4 weeks), I have had a suppressed immune system for far too long than I care to recount, and I even had to have a blood transfusion of platelets because my bone marrow was on the verge of giving up. I’ve had elevated liver enzymes and had to see a liver specialist.  I’ve had my kidneys ultrasounded to ensure their function is “up to snuff” and I’ve had my heart monitored as we continued to pump poison into my body.   No friends, these last 5 months have not been easy. Rachel has been right by my side – a wonderful, faithful, supporting woman who’s had to put those marriage vows to the test sooner than we could have ever imagined.  Loyalty and commitment are rare in this world.

So, with the stage set, when we heard that I was completely done this last Monday, we could feel the weight lift off of our shoulders.  We literally felt lighter.  We felt unstuck.  We, were thankful.

I rang the bell in the cancer treatment center to commemorate my completion of this trial that day.  This bell is for the patient, that bell hanging on the wall, a symbol of hope, that one day I too will ring this bell.  But for me, it was more about ringing it for those who were still in the chairs littered about the room, getting poison pumped into their body.  My ringing gives them hope and joy.  If I’m honest, the ringing also resounds in my soul.   We walked out of the treatment center through automatic sliding glass doors that seemed to purr open and we spilled out on to the sidewalk.  It was a cool autumn day, mid 50s with a slight breeze.  I took a deep breath and exhaled for what felt like the first time.  I looked over at Rachel and said, “Do you feel that?”  Of course, she did.  With water welling up in our eyes we headed for the car, not turning back.  In the safety of familiarity, we cried and hugged each other knowing that this trial had ended.  We took time to pray and give God thanks for all that He had done. It is very important to do that.  To take time to go back and give thanks for the provision along the way. In some way, I am doing that here with you. Thanking you for all the cards, love, calls, and support along this journey.

There is a story in Luke 17 where Jesus, while in his ministry upon this earth, is healing people with leprosy.  In this particular account Jesus heard the ten men who had been rejected from society for being “unclean”.  They were begging for him to heal them.  It was customary in that time that if you overcame your leprosy that you had to show yourself to the priest before you could be welcomed back into society, so Jesus, knowing that the Holy Spirit would heal these men, told them to go show themselves to the priests.  And the scriptures say that as these ten men were on their way to the priest, they were healed.  What is important to note is that one of these ten men, when he saw that he was healed, returned to Jesus with a loud voice glorifying God and fell at Jesus' feet, giving thanks for all he had done.  This man knew that giving thanks was important.  I can only imagine what the other nine were thinking as they went on their way once they knew they had been helped. “Sure, my leprosy is healed, but I’m still ugly.” “What I really need is a new coat.” “I could do with a lift back into town, this walk sucks.” “Great, now I’ve got the hiccups!”.  The uncomfortable truth is that so often, we are more like the other nine than the one who returned to give thanks.  Jesus said “Were not ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Were there not any found to return and give glory to God except this one?”  I will not be like the nine.  I will be like the one.  Giving thanks and glorifying God and falling down before Him for what He has done in my life.  Can I truly comprehend the value and significance of what He has done and is continually doing for me in my life?  Can you?  In the moment it can be impossible.  But upon reflection, you must not forget who was there with you along the journey.

When you receive bad news like Rachel and I encountered on that January day, you can recall that exact moment in time. You remember the color of the paint on the walls, what time it was, how you felt just prior to hearing that news.  You can relive that moment, suspended in your memory, time and time again.  Trauma does that – it sears memories into our souls like a branding iron.  That place in your heart where you store all your past traumas is opened up, and if you aren’t good at dealing with those moments as you encounter them along the journey, then a new trauma can compound on previous ones.  You see friends, in this situation we lean on hope. Hope that everything will be okay. That this is just temporary and that we can make it through. Does it help in the moment?  Shouldn’t we just “grit our teeth and bear it”?  That is not very helpful advice if I am honest.  Just “hunkering down through the storm” is the last thing someone wants to hear who is experiencing trauma.  What they need to hear is that there is hope.  Hope for the future. Where did I draw on my hope as I went through this? Well, in the exact moment, I had little hope.  It is only upon reflection that I realized God had been working in me over these last 10 years to build a foundation that I could lean upon.  He anchored me in the storm.  Although I didn’t instantly think of this in the moment and find comfort in it, I always knew it was there.  You don’t realize how important the building of your foundation upon the rock is until you find yourself in a hurricane.

Three things will last forever – faith, hope, and love. (1 Corinthians 13:13)

Scripture names hope as one of the three great forces or immortal powers that last forever.  Without faith, life has no meaning; without love, life isn’t worth living; without hope, life is a dark night for which there is no sunrise.  Faith, hope, and love (while it is a quippy saying) are promised to us as mighty forces that are meant to carry us forward. They are our wings for which we mount upon as eagles as we soar.

Hope is crucial to this. Hope is the wind in your sails, the iron in your shield. Hope is for the future.  To have hope that life will prevail after this is what I continually heard is key to the success when battling cancer.  Most of the doctors I met with said that 60% of the battle is staying positive. How do you stay positive when there is poison coursing through your body, killing you from the inside?  Hope. That’s how. Hope that the future will better than the present

The present. Now there is a place to live.  There is no place like the present.  The past are just memories, and the future is yet to unfold.  The present is where life happens. Right in front of your eyes, in that very moment in time.  For the present we are given Love. Love to express to those in our lives at that very time.  Love is not to be withheld but to be poured out in the moment.  James Taylor, who arguably created the best music ever, nails this feeling in a single verse: “just shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you feel”.  This costs us nothing! You might be tricked by the other team playing on the field that this will cost you your pride, but that is a lie.  Live in the present and love unconditionally. That is the secret to life.

And then there is Faith.  Now faith is for the past.  We draw upon our faith in the present, knowing what God has done for us in the past.  It’s this track record of everything He has done for you that builds your faith. It’s the mortar in your foundation’s walls.  The tar between the ship’s lap boards as we ride the chaotic waves of this life. We know our vessel will not be destroyed in this storm. We have faith because we’ve been through things like this before.  We know we have a Captain who has maintained this boat meticulously.  Faith is strengthened as we encounter life and His provision brings us through.  How can I build my faith?  Where does one find this?  I’d encourage you to start a prayer journal.  Write down your conversations with your Creator.  Then, go back monthly and re-read those requests.  Has He been faithful in answering those requests?  Yes? Write that down! Memorialize those moments.  Build an altar out of rocks and give the place a name so that you will always remember what the Lord God has done for you that day.

Remember, the three young men in Daniel Chapter 6: Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego? And how they refused to bow down to an idol the King of Babylon, King Nebuchadnezzar made?  The King was so furious that he had them thrown into a fiery furnace to make an example of them.  Do you recall what happened? These three men had faith that God would deliver them from this evil.  When the King looked into the furnace, no doubt to satisfy his hunger for power and control over his subjects, he saw four, not three, men walking around unharmed.  The fourth man was the Son of God.  The King, who now understood the power of God that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego worshiped, brought them out of the furnace and promoted the men while also declaring a decree that the God of Israel was to be worshiped.

You see, God didn’t put out the fire for the three men, He simply put Jesus in the furnace with them. This was all it took to ensure the men would not be harmed and to show to the King and the whole kingdom that God is the only one with true power.

So, when you face trials in this world, and believe me, you will and there will be many, remember: it’s not about God “putting out your fires”; it’s about who is in the furnace with you.

I want to tell you a little secret that helps me cope with life after this trial, with this new body of mine.  God will restore everything. He will make all things new.  It is promised in the good book that one day the restoration of this earth will happen.  We will be given new bodies, the evil one will perish, and all that is wrong will be made right.  This can be hard to grasp in the present with the never-ending beating of the news cycle drum, the constant barrage of advertisements telling you that you aren’t pretty enough, or that if you just try a little bit harder then you can one day make enough money to live the “good life”.  But I am telling you friends, the restoration of all of this is coming.  It is true. Everything you love will be made new.  Imagine for a second that place you love to visit or vacation to.  It’s beautiful, isn’t it?  What will that place be like when it is made new?  Can you imagine that? I know….me either.

My journey is not over, and neither is yours.  We all will face trials, and I will be there to help you through yours as you were there to help Rachel and I through ours.  Community is important in our lives. We were made to share with one another.  As this week approaches and we all engage in the Thanksgiving holiday, I encourage you to stop, look around the room at your family or friends, who ever you are celebrating with, and soak in the present. Tell them that you love them. That you truly love them. Take a deep breath and notice how sweet the air is.  How cool and satisfying it is in your lungs. It is good to be alive.  It is good to be in His presence. It is good to have a place to call home. It is good.

Living with you in the present,
-Aaron