How to cope with anticipatory grief

Caring for a loved one facing the end of life can bring up many emotions. At times, it could feel like a privilege, while at others it could feel like a heavy burden. You may grapple with deep, complex feelings as you envision a future without your loved one. These emotions are known as anticipatory grief. 

Anticipatory grief starts before a significant loss. You experience it as you foresee the inevitable and begin to mourn the future absence of a loved one. It often feels isolating even though it’s a path walked by many. Having a range of emotions is a natural response. 

If you’re in this situation, you may be looking for guidance on how to cope with anticipatory grief. While it’s important to note that every individual’s journey is personal and varied, we hope to offer understanding and advice on managing these feelings. 

What is anticipatory grief?

Anticipatory grief is the mourning that occurs when we expect a loss. It’s a natural protective mechanism that aims to prepare us emotionally. Surprisingly, this grief can be just as intense as grief experienced after a loss. For some, it can be more intense because it extends over a longer period. 

Conflicting emotions are common when someone experiences anticipatory grief. For instance, watching a loved one suffer may lead some to experience a sense of relief in knowing that their suffering will soon be over. Experiencing relief and other unexpected emotions is often confusing, and it can both amplify and soothe a person’s grief.

Anticipatory grief can manifest for several reasons:

• Watching your loved one’s condition progress: The visible signs of decline can trigger deep emotional responses.
• Not knowing when they will pass away: The uncertainty can feel tormenting and emotionally draining.
• Anticipating the heaviness of the loss: Anticipating what the loss will feel like can cause profound sadness. You may grieve the loss of their presence and companionship even before they’re gone.

How to cope with anticipatory grief: 10 tips

Understanding that there is no “one-size-fits-all” approach to managing anticipatory grief is crucial – what works for one person may not work for another. Here are some strategies that may help you cope:

1. Acknowledge and accept your emotions

Give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions arise. Recognizing and accepting your feelings can be a significant first step in managing grief. It’s okay to feel confused or angry or even to find moments of joy amidst the sorrow. Try some of the following:

• Set aside time for grief: Allocate a specific time daily to reflect on your feelings. This dedicated time could help prevent grief from bubbling up unexpectedly.
• Express your emotions: Talk about your feelings with friends, family, or a support group. If verbal expression is challenging, consider writing in a journal. 
• Seek out comforting activities: Engage in activities that bring you peace. For example, you can read a book, watch a favorite movie, or sit quietly in nature.

2. Do the little things, like stocking up on their favorite foods

Maintaining normalcy can be comforting for both you and your loved one. Simple actions can provide a sense of continuity that you may find reassuring during such unstable times. Here are some everyday gestures that can make a significant difference:

• Stock up on their favorite foods: If able, eating their comfort foods may bring them joy. Food can evoke shared memories, and it can offer comfort through familiar tastes.
• Continue shared routines: Rituals are important, whether it’s a nightly TV show or a morning coffee together. Routines preserve a sense of normalcy and provide regular moments of connection to look forward to.
• Keep the home environment pleasant: Small changes like arranging fresh flowers or tidying their favorite space can significantly enhance comfort.

Tip: There are organizations that could help you do the little things. For example, Cleaning for a Reason provides free home cleaning services for people on a cancer journey. Another example is CaringBridge, a health communication platform that allows you to share health news, process your experiences and request help from your support system. For instance, you could message your community and request help collecting your loved one’s favorite items. 

3. Create lasting memories with them

Meaningful memories don’t have to involve grand gestures. Even small interactions can help you cherish your time together. Depending on their energy level, you could choose activities like painting, listening to their favorite music, or watching beloved films together. Here are a couple simple ideas to build a legacy of these shared moments:

• Record everyday moments: Sometimes, a simple video or audio recording of daily life can be a cherished memory to look back on. It captures and preserves the ordinary days that often bring unexpected joy.
• Create a memory box: Collect items that represent special memories, such as photographs, letters, and mementos. This tangible collection of memories creates a personal history to revisit later.

4. Ask them questions about their life

Learning more about your loved one’s  life and their perspectives can be therapeutic for both of you. Ask about their favorite memories or lessons they value. This helps your loved one reflect on their life and strengthens your bond as you share these intimate moments. It can also help you preserve their stories for the future:

• Document their stories: Whether through writing, audio recordings, or video, keeping a record of their stories can be a lasting tribute. These narratives become priceless keepsakes.
• Create a themed conversation list: Prepare topics ranging from simple daily joys to major life milestones. This structured approach helps you cover a broad spectrum of their life.

5. Express your love and gratitude for them

An important strategy for how to cope with anticipatory grief is to share your feelings with your loved one. This reinforces your bond and ensures that your loved one feels cherished. Simple words of affection can mean a lot, but here are additional ways to express yourself:

• Show gratitude: Discuss the positive impacts they’ve had on your life and the lives of others. Acknowledging their influence validates their achievements and gives them pride in their legacy.
• Write heartfelt letters: A letter can be a powerful reminder of your love and appreciation that they can revisit whenever they need a boost.

Sometimes, the words don’t come as easily as we’d like them to. Gestures are another way to show appreciation and care for your loved one.

6. Record audio of their voice, if feasible

If possible, make audio recordings of your loved one. This activity captures their voice, spirit, and passion. Having them now can provide comfort in knowing that you’ll be able to replay them when you are ready. These recordings can be treasured memories:

• Read together: Record sessions of them reading favorite books or poems, such as bedtime stories or pieces that hold special memories for you.
• Share stories: Have them recount cherished anecdotes from their life. Each recording can offer a vivid reminder of their personality and wisdom.
• Sing or recite together: If they enjoy music, recording songs or recitations can preserve special moments of joy and artistic expression.

7. Join or create a support group

Connecting with others in similar situations can provide comfort, community, and a chance to offer and receive practical advice. Hearing how others cope can also offer new strategies for managing your own feelings. Finding or forming a support group can provide understanding and connection:

• Explore online groups: Online groups are easily accessible, even if you have limited time or mobility. Health  platforms like CaringBridge can reduce the isolation you may feel, bringing together your support system when you need it most.
• Consider local meetings: If you’re able, attending support group meetings can enrich your support network. These face-to-face interactions foster deep connections and provide empathy and understanding from peers.

8. Find an emotional outlet that works for you

Activities that allow you to express your feelings can be very beneficial. This includes creative outlets, but it also includes physical activities that can provide space for you to process your emotions:

• Creative outlets: Activities like painting, writing, or music can help you process emotions. Expressing yourself provides a release and can transform abstract feelings into something tangible and manageable.
• Physical activities: From kickboxing to yoga, exercise can be a great way to alleviate stress.
• Connect with nature: Spending time outdoors, whether gardening, hiking, or simply walking, can have a soothing effect on the mind.

9. Explore therapy or counseling options, if able

Professional help can be incredibly supportive. Talking to a therapist can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and express the conflicting emotions you may feel. And different kinds of therapy can support your needs:

• Look for accessible options: Many therapists offer sliding-scale fees and/or virtual sessions. These options make it easier to access support without the added stress of financial burdens or travel constraints.
• Group therapy might be beneficial: Participating in group therapy sessions can provide new perspectives and offer additional support.
• Reach out to your primary care physician (PCP) or other medical provider: If your grief impacts your ability to perform daily tasks or if it feels otherwise debilitating, consider contacting your PCP or other medical provider for further support.

10. Find time to take care of yourself, too

It’s easy to neglect your own needs, but maintaining your mental and physical health is essential. Caring for yourself, even in small ways, can help reduce stress and allow you to keep a calm mind. This will not only help you be a better caregiver, but it will also help you focus on your life outside of caregiving responsibilities. Here are some ways to address your own needs:

• Stay connected: Keep in touch with friends and continue participating in enjoyable activities. These familiar connections are essential lifelines and offer emotional respite.
• Maintain a routine: Try to keep a regular schedule, as structure can provide comfort.
• Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques: If you’re able, meditation or yoga can significantly reduce stress. These techniques help center your thoughts and calm your mind. In fact, there are online options available (on YouTube and other platforms) if you don’t have the time or resources to join a class.

What advice would you share?

How to cope with anticipatory grief is a profoundly personal experience. Sharing your personal story and strategies can help others feel less alone. Please share your own tips and words of encouragement in the comments below to help support others.