History

Monday, June 28, 2010 8:32 PM CDT

I felt like logging in to let you know that somehow I ended up on the outside looking in.

Everything seems to be falling apart.

Life is a heavy burden. I cannot bare the pain.

I have no comfort. I cannot find my faith.

Lost.

On the edge of insanity. Walking beside the path.

Hopeless.

I don't even know where to begin. Faith without works is DEAD!

I am isolated. I am alone. I am lonely.

Scared.

Please pray that soon we (me) can find some sort of peace.

Until Next Time...

In Love & Prayer,
Eleasha

Monday, April 12, 2010 10:57 PM CDT

It is so hard to come here. I notice very few visit anymore anyway. My heart still hurts. I doubt it will ever get easier...maybe it will become more bearable as the days continue to pass us by.

Wednesday is Cody's birthday. This year he would have been 14. He would have been finishing up the 8th grade...headed to High School next year. All of the little girls would have been in love him and his bright green eyes and super long eye lashes. He would, of course, only had eyes for me - his mommy (Shhhh! This is my dream!)

It was April 13th when I first went into labor with Cody. I had prayed for him to come. I so hated being pregnant. Ben and I traveled back and forth to the hospital so many times, that it wasn't a real suprise when they sent home citing false labor...again. They were wrong. At 10 after 2 in the morning - a mere four hours after they sent me home - I was in full labor. We made it to the hospital and 42 minutes, our wonderful, most beautiful, most perfect son had been born. Cody brought all of the joy from the heavens. He was my best friend, one of my greatest reasons for living this life. I miss him. I miss him so much.

If you're here let us know...sign the guestbook.

-Eleasha

My Dearest Cody:

I know you are celebrating your birthday in heaven with Jesus and your friends.

I know that you are no longer in pain. I know that you are completely healed.

I know that you love me.

I know that I should accept that things happen for a reason.

But seriously, how am I supposed to accept this? How am I supposed to make everything else matter?

You're gone.

I am alone. I am alone. I am alone.

It has been nearly five years and I feel no closer to acceptance, no farther from the pain...I feel broken.

I am broken.

I am still fighting.

I love you,
Mom

BROKEN by: LIFEHOUSE

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) there's the healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I would, would be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) there is healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin)
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Tuesday, August 18, 2009 2:05AM CDT

I cannot believe that today marks four years since I last touched your face, held your hand, hugged you. How could this happen? My heart aches for you. I miss you so much. In my head I keep hearing the chorus to the song Who Knew so I am posting the lyrics here. I love you.

Who Knew by PINK

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

Thursday, July 16, 2009 2:55 PM CDT

Soon your little brother will turn 7 and your big brother will turn 17.

Hard to believe it has been almost 4 years since you left us. We miss you ever single day.

I love you.
Mom

Tuesday, April 14, 2009 1:58 AM EST

I am not okay.

It was on this day at this time your dad and I were rushing to the hospital...I was definitely in labor.

We arrived at the hospital. It was 2:10 a.m. You were born 42 minutes later at 2:52 a.m.

That was 13 years ago today.

13 years ago. We had so much hope. We had no idea what was in store for us.

THIS SUCKS. You should be here. You should be on your way to becoming a man. You should have your whole life ahead of you.

You should.

I miss you more than words. More than life. More than anything. My heart hurts for you every single day. I just wish that things could have turned out different. I just wish that life would have been better for you. I just wish there had been less pain...less suffering...more time.

I hate this. My heart is broken. I miss you. I love you.

Happy Birthday, Lil Man.

Love, Mom.

Monday, April 6, 2009 8:25 PM CDT

In 8 days we will celebrate your earthly birthday...You would have been 13 this year. It's hard to believe that so much time has already passed.

I miss you. I love you.

Love, Mom.

Thursday, January 29, 2009 11:56 AM CST

I used to come here for inspiration. I bet that is why you used to come here too.

I wonder sometimes if I have any inspiration left.

I don't come here very much anymore. I don't have much to say. I mean really what is there to say?

The beginning of the new year is always difficult. I guess because it is the official mark of another year without Cody. I miss him more than anything.

Life keeps on passing us by...the days have turned into months...which have fallen away to years. Hard to believe that it has been so long.

My thoughts and prayers remain with our CB family and friends.

Thank you for continuing to check in on us.

In Love & Prayer...
Eleasha

Thursday, December 18, 2008 10:26 AM CST

I just don't have anything to say anymore. The days keep on. The nights are long. I'm here. I'm alone. I miss my son. Another year is ending.

-E

Untitled by: Simple Plan
Playlist Song # 62

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold on to a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I've got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Friday, November 28, 2008 3:50 PM CST

GOD’S DIRT BIKE RIDER
-Written by: Cody’s Mom: Eleasha L. Hilliard
-August 21, 2005

I wonder what it’s like to be a Dirt Bike Rider in Heaven…
I wonder if your number there is still four-fourteen or if you changed it now to seven…

I wonder if that track up there is laid with golden sand…
I wonder if the jumps are high, if you ever have to land…

I wonder if the bike you chose was a golden orange Suzuki…
I wonder if you ride so fast you feel you’re flying free…

I wonder if you’re inventing tricks that no ones ever seen…
I wonder if you’re eyes are still that pretty bluish-green…

I wonder about those orange sunsets that have been raging in the sky…
I wonder if you left them there to help me not to cry…

I wonder if you truly know how much I loved you so…
I wonder if I tell you now, would you even want to know…

I wonder why your spirit’s tent was damaged beyond repair…
I wonder how I will ever learn to deal with such despair…

I wonder how my heart still beats without my very best friend…
I wonder why this happened and why it had to end…

I wonder about so many things you never got to do…
I wonder how much more you could have possibly gone through…

I wonder how many wonders will cloud my mind today…
I wonder if you know I would have taken your place to take the pain away…

I wonder if at every race, you’d save your mom a seat…
I hope when I get up there to see you first to greet…

I love you my child, my son, my best friend…
My crazy “Little Man” Cody James Hoffman.

Monday, November 17, 2008 12:08 AM CST

I'm sorry, I just don't have anything to say. My heart hurts.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008 1:32 PM CST

NO AIR by JORDIN SPARKS & CHRIS BROWN

Tell me how I'm supposed to
breathe with no air
Oooh

If I should die before I wake
It's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in
a world with no air
Oh

I'm here alone, don't wanna leave
My heart won't move, it's incomplete
Wish there was a way that I could
make you understand

But how (how) do you (you) expect me (me)
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

Tell me how I'm supposed to
breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon' be without me
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

No air, air
Oh
No air, air
no
No air, air
Oh
No air, air

I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
There's no gravity to
hold me down for real (real)

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived
I don't know how, but I don't even care

So how (how) do you expect me (me)
to live alone with just me (oh)
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

Tell me how I'm supposed to
breathe with no air (oh, oh, oh, oh)
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel when i know you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep (so deep)
Tell me how you gon' be without me (without me)
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air (no air)

No air, air
Oh
No air, air
No
No air, air
Oh
No air, air
No more
It's no air, no air

Oooh baby oh it's no air, no air.
Ay! No air. Oh.

OH OH
Tell me how I'm supposed to
breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon' be without me
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air

Tell me how I'm supposed to
breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air

Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon' be without me
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air

Monday, September 8, 2008 1:43 PM CDT

Well I celebrated my birthday on August 30th. It wasn't the same without Cody. Of course, nothing ever is anymore.

We are all adjusting pretty well to our new house. We are getting to know our neighbors and I am feeling pretty good about making friends with the people in the neighborhood.

A neat story: one of my new neighbors has a little boy named Cody. He is 3 years old and his birthday is....yep you guessed it...August 18th.

Her Cody was born on the same day my Cody went home to be with Jesus. I told her she got my Cody. It's sad but it's also a true testiment to how life just keeps on keeping on.

I miss my son but I am grateful he no longer suffers. For him this life was difficult. He brought light and love into the world which was dark and painful. When his work was finished he went home. One day I will finish my work here as well and I will join him.

Until next time...

In Love & Prayer,
Eleasha

Monday, August 18, 2008 4:23 PM EDT

There just aren't enough balloons to send you in heaven. There just aren't enough.

There just aren't enough tears to reveal all the pain. There just aren't enough.

There just aren't enough words to describe how I feel. There just aren't enough.

There just aren't enough dreams that put you close by my side. There just aren't enough.

There just aren't enough butterflies. There just aren't enough.

There just aren't enough memories to keep on a smile. There just aren't enough.

Too many nights have turned into dawns. Enough is enough.

Too many hours have turned into days. Enough is enough.

Too many weeks have turned into months. Enough is enough.

Too many nightmares that keep me from sleep. Enough is enough.

Three Years. Enough is enough.

One Hundred Fifty-Six Weeks. Enough is enough.

One Thousand Ninety-Six Days. Enough is enough.

Twenty-Six Thousand Three Hundred Four Hours. Enough is enough.

One Million Five Hundred Seventy-Eight Thousand Two Hundred Forty Minutes. Enough is enough.

Ninety-Four Million Six Hundred Ninety-Four Thousand Four Hundred Seconds. Enough is enough.

Nine years, Four months, Four Days, Thirteen Hours and Twenty-Nine Minutes. It just wasn't enough.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008 9:01 AM CDT

Happy Birthday to Cody's Daddy.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008 11:11 AM CDT

It was July 30, 2005 the last time I heard my son's voice. It was at this time on that day that we realized that our lives would be forever changed. That day was filled with fear and hope all at the same time.

It breaks my heart to read the journal entries from the days leading up to this one some three years ago.

It has been 1095 days since I heard my son say I love you.

It has been 26,280 hours since he last asked me to hurry back from the toy store.

It has been 1,576,800 minutes since he last said he he was scared.

It seems like yesterday...yet it seems like a million years ago.

As I walk down the path again in my mind that led to the end of my child's life these next 19 days, I will bow my head in prayer and try and stay faithful. I will remember. I will cry. I will wish for what was.

Thanks for checking in.

Please keep our family and so many others in prayer as we struggle on earth without our loved ones.

Until next time.

In Love & Prayer,
Eleasha

Friday, July 11, 2008 1:57 AM CDT

I miss you buddy.

Love, Mom

Wednesday, June 25, 2008 7:36 AM CDT

"Who Knew" by: PINK

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

Monday, April 7, 2008 3:23 PM CDT

April has arrived and I am just starting to feel a little bit better about another new year without. Now comes your birthday…mother’s day…father’s day…the fourth of July…dad’s birthday…the anniversary of your death…and my birthday. It seems as though it will never get any easier. I miss you all day every day.

I looked out the window this morning and noticed that the weeping willows we planted just after your died are in full bloom. I sat back and thought for a while how life just keeps on keeping on. The days pass me by sometimes and I haven’t done anything but think about you. So much I wish things could have been different….that things could have been better for you. I know you know how much we all loved you. I know you wanted for little besides a healthy childhood…the one thing that none of us could give to you. I wish there would have been less suffering here…I am grateful that you no longer suffer up there in heaven.

I love you more than life itself. We will celebrate what would have been your 12th birthday here on earth this coming weekend. We will release a bunch of orange balloons so that you can catch them up in heaven. We will cry some…we will laugh some…we will wonder what could have been. We will remember the life that was…we will wish for you.

I love you little man…

Monday, March 17, 2008 1:36 PM CDT

Well, I am finally starting to feel better. I have made some changes in my routine and in my diet. I have been to the doctor and am trying to take each day one at a time. Work is going well. I have taken on more responsibilities in the firm. Some I like...some I don't.

Riley is doing great although he is having a hard time with the fact that the movers have packed out most of our house and now daddy only comes home on the weekends. We talk about it a lot and seems to get it on the surface but he is getting in trouble at school and has reverted back to some other old behaviors that tell us he is not handling the change very well.

Greg likes the new command. He is learning the system and preparing for when he will be teaching the classes. Soon he will go back to school to finish his degree as well.

Jeremy will be coming to visit for Easter break...he arrives on Friday...I am looking forward to the time together.

We will also have marina for during Easter break...it will be awesome to have our whole family together.

My mom and stepdad are coming to visit in April...while they are here we will celebrate Cody's birthday. Cody would have been 12 this year.

Typically on St. Patrick's Day our family participates in the annual St. Baldrick's Day activites...St. Baldrick's is an annual headshaving event which benefits childhood cancer research. If you haven't donated to a shavee already...find one

http://www.stbaldricks.org/

and donate to the fight to find a cure!!!

I guess that is all for now...Let me know you stopped by by signing the guest book.

Until next time.

In Love & Prayer...
Eleasha

Thursday, February 28, 2008 11:17 AM CST

I hurt.

Thursday, January 31, 2008 3:24 AM CST

God has a plan for us...a really GREAT plan. The enemy doesn't want to see that plan accomplished because if it is God will again receive the glory! So... the enemy works as hard as he can to keep us down, throwing whatever he can at us...trying to ensure that we are diverted from the path of righteousness.

The best, and only, thing we can do is stand strong and keep the faith.

Maybe we deviate from the path momentarily but we always adjust for the difficulty and refocus on what battle lies ahead...the war that rages on around us.

We become stronger despite this horrible disease and the toll it takes on us and our child. We realize the value of life, love and mercy. We accept the difficulties with grace. We find peace even the midst of loss. We realize that God is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

We recognize that God has a plan for our life and that we as His people need only believe...the enemy can never win.

Sunday, January 13, 2008 8:08 PM CST

We rang in the new year at home with our family. We payed video games and board games and then watched a movie until it was time to watch the ball drop. It was the perfect way to start off 2008.

Still, I think the new year is harder than the holidays. Each new year marks the beginning of another year without Cody...another year of what ifs, could have beens and should have beens.

The new year has brought many, many changes for our family.

The Navy opted not to send Greg back to the middle east. I am grateful. However, the change of those orders pushed us into another set of orders sooner then we had hoped. Greg will now be teaching in Dahlgren, Virginia. The new command is about 95 miles norht of where we live now. We are in the process of getting our house packed out so we can put it on the market. We signed the papers to make an offer on another house which is at the north end of the county we live in...the move will reduce the commute by 20 miles each way but still allow me to keep my job. If the Navy sees fit Greg will have a room on base and make the commute home on the weekends. This will be an adjustment for our family but a manageable one.

Every year since diagnosis in 1999, I have worked to support several fundraising and awareness efforts. Usually we support several events through out the year. Although over the last couple of years I have focused the efforts on one event each year. I am currently in the process of deciding which project to focus on this year. I have been invited to return to Washington D.C. in June to speak to Congress. I have also been asked to support the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life and the Leukemia Society's Light the Night. St. Balderick's Day in is in March and the Rainbow Heroes Walk for Duke is in May. It is hard to determine where our efforts will be best served. Regardless of which of these amazing events we focus our efforts on this year...all are worthy causes with similar goals. I look forward to your support in this year's endeavors.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a happy and HEALTHY new year.

Until next time.

In Love & Prayer,
Eleasha

Saturday, December 22, 2007 3:46 AM CST

I still come here every single day. I check the guestbook just like I did when Cody was alive. I read the entries and feel the love and support that is showered upon us by so many. I am truly blessed.

I miss Cody. This time of year makes the void more apparent. I wonder what would have been on top of his Christmas list. I wish he were here so I could get it for him.

This year marks our third Christmas with Cody in heaven. I am grateful that he is able to spend Christmas at the right hand of Jesus Christ, completely healed, completely perfect. Never in my wildest dream would I wish him back if bringing him back meant he would have to continue to live the life of childhood cancer, post bone marrow transplant.

The last six months of Cody's life were horrible. I relive them in my mind more often then I wish to. I wanted so much more for him...a childhood...a body that worked...

He has all of that now. I am grateful...but...I miss him.

My heart longs to hear his voice, to touch his skin, to rub his head, to kiss his cheek, to hold his hand.

I have a short video I took on my camera where he says, "okay, I love you, bye." I watch that sometimes over and over again. I long to hear those words in person.

Someday.

On another note...

My surgery went well. The recovery has been more difficult then I anticipated. I am still not allowed to drive. That is enough to make a girl crazy.

Jeremy arrived yesterday and will be here until after the new year.

My parents arrive Sunday.

Marina arrives Christmas night and is also here until after the new year.

I am looking forward to having the whole family together.

I hope everyone has a truly blessed Christmas. Take time to recognize that Jesus is the reason for the season. Realize that God gave us the most perfect gift....His Son. He died so that we might be saved...there are no gifts more precious then that!

Merry Christmas...

-Eleasha

Friday, November 16, 2007 3:49 PM CST

Things are going okay here.

October 30th marked the 8 year anniversary since Cody had been diagnosed with the horrible disease called Leukemia.

We had no idea then that 6 short years later Cody would lose the battle here on earth.

We are blessed for the journey but heartbroken over the outcome. We always will be.

I miss Cody every single day. 30 seconds of every minute are spent remembering him.

I have to have surgery in a couple of weeks to address some female problems. The doctor has decided that the best alternative is a hysterectomy. I am hopeful that the recovery process will be swift and that the procedure will address the issues.

We are still awaiting word for where and when Greg will go next.

Riley was found eligible for special ed. services and we are in the process of getting his IEP set up.

Jeremy is doing great. His football team went 9-0 and the victories were by HUGE margins. Hard to believe he just truned 15. In no time now he will be driving us around.

Marina is also doing well. We see her every couple of weeks.

We are preparing for the fast approaching holidays. I am looking forward to having my whole family together.

Until next time.

In Love & Prayer...
ELeasha

Tuesday, October 23, 2007 2:27 AM CDT

My heart is heavy for the warriors who continue on in the battle of life and death.

Please keep our friends Carrie and Patrick, Angel Jordan's mommy and daddy, in your thoughts and prayers.

About ten days ago, Carrie's dad was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.

Jordan's angel date was September 26th and his birthday is Thursday.

She is going through a lot and could really use your support.

www.caringbridge.org/il/jordan

Monday, October 8, 2007 1:43 AM CDT

Awake again in the middle of the night just thinking of you.

I miss you.

Love Always,
Mom

Sunday, September 23, 2007 2:33 PM CDT

Well we finally have a plan...It's not exactlly what we thought was going to happen...but...here's the deal.

Sometime in July I guess it was, we found out that because of Riley's OT for the ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) the command in Key West would not accept our transfer. Their rationale was that if RIley required more care or extensive treatment they would not be able to provide it. The closest facilities are in Miami which is approximately 3 hours from Key West. So.....we "lost" the orders. Personally, I was thrilled. While I was excited about the prospect of being closer to family and friends in Florida, I did NOT want to live year round in Key West.

Once our orders were cancelled, Greg had to start actually negotiating for orders (this should have happened, but didn't because he was deployed last time). For the last month and a half he has been watching the job openings and we thought we might like to go to Jacksonville, nothing came open. Our time for "negotiating" was running out. School started after Labor Day and since we went ahead and had Riley start school, I told Greg that regardless of where the Detailer sent him, I would stay here until the end of the school year. A transfer and a move would be WAY to difficult for Riley.

For two months in a row there no shore duty orders available in Florida or Norfolk. So finally with time running out, Greg looked at the sea duty openings. We found an assignement and thought that it would deploy a month here and a month there to different locations where guys were training to go on the IA program like Greg did earlier this year when he went to Iraq so he applied for them. Well, after a couple of weeks we foudn out the he got them. HOORAY, finally! Then came the news this past Friday that the orders are another deployment to the middle east! So, in January Greg will deploy to the middle east again and will not return for six months to a year.

At first glance this sucks...and for the short term, it really does suck. BUT, for the long term it will be a good thing for his advancement.

Anyway, that's the latest and greatest...please keep us in prayer as we are forced to separate again. I am confident that we will get through it and I have no worries as I know that this is God's plan...heaven knows it wasn't ours!

Until next time.

In Love & Prayer...
-E

Saturday, August 18, 2007 7:46 AM CDT

730 days have passed.

I miss you.

Love, Mom

Friday, July 27, 2007 7:07 AM CDT

Sometimes...a lot of times...we are called to Be Still....Be Anxious for Nothing...to be patience in the Lord.

How often I fall short of such a "simple" task.

The chocolate Quik bunny used to say "Patience is a virtue!"

If that be the case then it is certainly a virtue I have yet to master.

A long time ago I learned not to pray for things like patience...praying for an attribute surely means you will be regularly tested...How else can you gain experience without practice?

Several months back I started praying for a "better attitude." It's common knowledge that we posses the ability to make or break a situation based on our attitude when we begin dealing with it. So...I thought a better attitude was an important attribute. If i could only walk into situations believing that all would be well then I would certainly handle whatever it was with grace and ease.

Shortly after I began praying this I found myself being tested with patience. At first I thought...I didn't pray for patience...then I realized that God, in His infinite wisdom must think if I master patience then I will have a better attitude. Rather comical I mused...going about the day to day business of small tests in patience and changing my way of thinking!

Little did I know...small tests in patience will typically lead to larger ones. Here is how the story goes....

July 1st - 15th we went to the Keys...we looked at houses...I interviewed for several jobs...everything seemed difficult...nothing and I do mean nothing was coming together for our move...everything felt forced...I decided my attitude sucked and I needed an attitude adjustment...I tried to change my outlook...still things did not seem to fall in place...housing was expensive and hard to find...the job offer came quick but I was concerned about whether or not I actually wanted the job I was being offered. The area was even less desirable then I thought...AND...there was no WalMart...that's right people...there is NO WalMart in Key West!

Anyway, we kept doing the next thing that needed to be done. Greg and I were fighting quite a bit over...well everything concerning the move. I thought man, my attitude sucks! So...I started praying, once again for a better attitude.

Remember what happened last time? Yep, I was tested in patience.

Well, God did not let me down...

Last week the Navy doctors started to mutter something about Riley's Occupational Therapy and the differing doctor opinions on whether or not he has High Functioning High IQ Autisum or Post Traumatic Stress or some other issue...long story short...we patiently waited while they ultimately decided that we would not be allowed to move to Key West. The medical team in Key West felt that if Riley needed any additional services in the future they would like not be able to provide them. With the closest city being Miami (3 hours North) placing our family there was not a "good" idea.

Now we would be allowed to actually negotiate for orders and try and go some place we wanted to go.

All assignments in this area are still over 70 miles one way for Greg to travel so we would be definitely need to move somewhere closer to the duty station...with that in mind we decided to seek orders to Jacksonville, it has always been my desire to return to North Florida at some point...

Greg began reviewing the available assignements and sure enough there were orders to Jacksonville available...HOORAY! He called the detailer...

Alas, my test in patience was not complete...

The detailer said that since Riley has medical issues we need to enroll him in a special program for military family members with special needs called Exceptional Family Member Program.

That in and of itself...not so bad...

The process...three to six weeks.

Once Riley has been categorized in the EFM program...we can negotiate for orders to Jacksonville or wherever.

So...to get the paperwork started for EFMP I have to have the Occupational Therapist fill out a bunch of forms stating what the issues are, etc...no big deal, Riley has an appointment Friday afternoon...

7:30 a.m. Friday morning...the telephone rings and our Occupational Therapist has called in sick for the day...so, we wait until next week.

Okay, Okay...I get it...patience.

Telling the story to my mom she commented on how it was great that I was accepting that I needed to be patient. I told her I wasn't sure I was accepting so much as dealing with it.

To make a long story short...we have no idea when we are moving...where we are moving or anything else for that matter.

Phillipians 4:6
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;

The desires of my heart are known to God...I will wait.........patiently.

Until next time...

In Love & Prayer...
Eleasha

Monday, July 16, 2007 3:32 PM CDT

Hard to believe it has been so long since my last update. Honestly, it is hard to come here and try and think of the right words to say. I miss Cody every single day. We all do. We are making it through each day one at a time.

Cody's birthday followed by Mother's Day was extremely difficult. I stayed in bed (literally) for a week. I actually end up physically ill. Just too much to handle I guess.

The past couple of months have been hectic since we found out we had to move again. We just got home from two weeks of house hunting and job hunting for me in Key West. We also spent some time in Lauderdale with family and friends. The trip was nice but difficult...a lot of driving with a lot of personalities. I am grateful to be home.

We did find a house and I found a job so things seem to be coming together nicely.

Believe it or not, Riley will be 5 this Thursday. He has been telling everyone who will listen that he is 5 now because he is done being 4.

Jeremy is nearly 5'10"...it's crazy!

I will post some new pictures soon.

Can't believe how time just keeps on ticking. Only another month and two years will have passed since my Cody took his final earthly breath. My hurt hearts.

Anyway, back to work...

Leave a message in the guestbook to let us know you stopped by...

Until next time...

In Love & Prayer...
Eleasha

Monday, June 4, 2007 11:05 PM CDT

Well...it's been a long time.

For a while I really didn't have anything to say. I miss Cody. That doesn't change. Each day comes and each day goes...I miss him.

His birthday followed by Mother's Day was a lot more difficult then I had anticipated. I stayed in bed sick for a week after his birthday passed. I just couldn't make myself..............

Things leveled off a few weeks ago and I finally started doing better. Praise God.

Through out the entire ordeal...I did manage to make it to work, keep up with school and keep up with the laundry (I know amazing, right?) Really that stuff just kept me busy which is good sometimes.

A couple of weeks ago, we received word that Greg was issued new orders. We will be moving to Key West. The news has been difficult as it requires a lot of change. I am trying to find the happy spots and so far I have come up with...

1. We get to live in paradise
2. I will only be a few hours from my family and friends
3. INSERT NEXT THING HERE.

Greg and I sat down and worked out a plan. We scrambled and got the house on the market by June 1st. Riley and I will move down the 1st of August so that he can start school on time without having to switch in the middle. Greg is scheduled to leave his ship for school in Virginia Beach in October. He will follow us down to Florida sometime at the end of November or beginning of December.

I have started the tedious process of job hunting and house hunting. Certainly not fun to do together. BUT...with each potential job and each potential house I am starting to come around to the idea.

Overall the whole thing has been difficult on us. We have had our arguments but seem to be working through it okay.

I am sad to leave this house, this job, this town.

This is the last house we lived in with Cody. This is the last community that had the opportunity to actually know him. This is the last school he attended. This is the last yard he rode his dirt bike in. This is the hospital that fought to save his life. This is the hospital where he took his last breathe. This is the last everything and now we are leaving. Prehaps it is time to move on.

I am confident that God has a plan. Eventually all things will be revealed. My job...have th strength and faith to walk the path that has been laid before me.

Until next time.

In Love & Prayer...
Eleasha

Thursday, April 12, 2007 10:59 PM CDT

I woke up from a nightmare the other night. In my haste, I hurried into Cody's room to see him. Suddenly, the reality flooded back. He's not there anymore. He's not here anymore. He's gone.

I wished for moment in time that the nightmare wasn't real. That somehow my daydreams of a time long ago could come true. That somehow I would awake and find my son.

The last year of his life was more difficult then you could ever imagine. As a family, we were forced to sit by and watch as our child, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin and best friend deteriorated and faded away. Helpless, unable to do anything to change the outcome. Hopeful, that each day would bring news of recovery. Sadly that never happened.

How am I supposed to be okay? How can I continue on in this world? But for the grace of God.

As Saturday quickly approaches, I am forced to relive the life of my child. I am forced to wonder what could have been. What would have been on top of his birthday wish list? Would he have wanted a new video game system? Would he have wanted to go to a theme park? Would he want a big party or just a few friends? What would be important to him?

I remember my 11th birthday. My worst difficulty was the fact that we had just moved and I would be starting middle school with all new people.

I never could have imagined that some 20 years later, I would celebrate my son's 11th birthday without him.

How did this happen? Will I ever understand? Likely not…

Most days I don't ask why. Most days I give thanks for the fact that he no longer suffers. Most days I really am okay. Not today. Today my heart hurts as I face the what ifs and the how comes. As I "celebrate" one more of his birthdays without him.

Birthdays are meant to be celebrated. So we will celebrate. Even if it isn't a day of rejoicing, it will be a day of reflection. Reflecting back on a time when we were blessed with the presence of an angel on earth.

We will relive the diagnosis…the friends who were close by offering a shoulder to cry on. We will relive the good days in remission…the time when Cody got to be a real boy. We will relive the relapse…the time when the world was turned upside down, again. We will relive the transplant…the treatment that should have saved his life. We will relive the end…the final days before he returned home to heaven. We will laugh…We will cry…We will do it together as a family.

Saturday afternoon at 2:52 p.m. look up in the sky…if you see a pack of orange balloons know that they are on their way to an amazing boy who left this world way too soon. Say a prayer for his mother and the rest of his family that they might find peace and strength. Remember your own family and take no time for granted.

Until Next Time.

In Love & Prayer…

Eleasha

Monday, April 9, 2007 1:37 PM CDT

Okay...So, I just tried this a minute ago...

Anyway...

I am sleeping away when the phone rings...As I am answering the phone I recognize the number displayed on the caller ID is one I had not seen in a while...

How the...What the?????

Hello...

Hi honey, I am in North Carolina...

YOU ARE NOT!

Yes I am...Can you come and get me?

On my way....

And that's how I learned my husband was back from supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom or whatever they call it...

I am soooooooooooo happy...

To top off my happiness...the next day Jeremy flew in for Spring Break...

Next weekend Marina will be here...

Soon we will be a whole family together again...

What better Easter present could any girl ask for????

Well...I am enjoying my family time so I must get going...I will catch up with you again later...

Until then...

In Love & Prayer...
Eleasha

Monday, April 9, 2007 1:33 PM CDT

Okay...So, I just tried this a minute ago...

Anyway...

I am sleeping away when the phone rings...As I am answering the phone I recognize the number displayed on the caller ID is one I had not seen in a while...

How the...What the?????

Hello...

Hi honey, I am in North Carolina...

YOU ARE NOT!

Yes I am...Can you come and get me?

On my way....

And that's how I learned my husband was back from supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom or whatever they call it...

I am so happy...

To top off my happiness...the next day Jeremy flew in for Spring Break...

Next weekend Marina will be here...

Soon we will be a whole family together again...

What better Easter present could any girl ask for????

Well...I am enjoying my family time so I must get going...I will catch up with you again later...

Until then...

In Love & Prayer...
Eleasha

Wednesday, March 21, 2007 2:18 PM CDT

Okay so I have been bothered to do an update by the all and mighty...MOM!!!

Things are going well...we are counting down the days until Greg returns.

I have 12 weeks left until I graduate from College...

Riley is doing GREAT! Growing like a weed.

I have not felt much like writing and for that I apologize. I do check in every day to see if any of you have stopped by to say hi! I still love the guestbook entries...reminds me of a time when Cody and I would sit together and read them. You all have been such a source of inspiration and hope for our family...THANK YOU.

I posted a really cool Map up above...you can add your picture just by clicking ADD ME...I am hoping that I can get someone from every state...I know Cody would have LOVED the new map...it is fun to see how many new people have added their pictures...that's for sure...so...add your picture!!!

Anyway, I am sure that once my husband returns home I will have more to write about...but these days are filled with work, school and Riley...

Praise God for the simple things.

I am happy most days...I know I am loved...

Thanks for checking in...

Until next time...

In Love & Prayer...
Eleasha

Wednesday, March 21, 2007 2:18 PM CDT

Saturday, February 3, 2007 12:45 AM CST

Haven't felt much like writing lately...it happens sometime.

I miss Cody. I miss Greg.

I really don't have anything to say now. As I sit here trying to decide what I should type next...I am at a loss.

So many things have happened over the course of the last couple of years. My heart hurts.

During the month of hearts...I wonder if mine can ever be healed. I wonder if I can ever be the person I was before. I am grateful for the journey but the innocense was lost along the way. My spirit has been forever changed. I doubt that will change. Cody is never going to be here again...so...I can never go back and be that person I was before he was taken.

These days I find much comfort in the loving support of my family and friends. My sons are a great inspiration. They continue on in this world...innocense...hearts... intact. Praise God for the small miracles.

Life as a military wife has treated me well. I have been blessed to have my husband available for all of the major difficulties...facing nothing alone. He has taken my hand...taken my abuse...taken my love...taken my anger...and he has continued to stand by me. I am, in fact, a very lucky girl.

It is hard to believe that we have only been married for six years on February 10th. It feels like I have been with him my whole life. It is difficult to imagine life without him. He is exactly what he is supposed to be...for me. No other man could take his place. I am blessed.

The countdown is on for his return from supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom or whatever they call it...I am looking forward to having him back...these last months have been way more difficult then I ever could have anticipated.

I guess one of the benefits of the separation is that I have been forced to face some of the grief that for so long now I have been able to neatly place behind a mask of anger. I have blamed my husband for things he most certainly did not do. I have lashed out...burst out in tears...I have punched and kicked and screamed...not wanting to accept that the love of my life...a 9 year old boy named Cody...could possibly be gone from this world. My husband has accepted it all and fought to keep me going. All the while grieving himself for his best little friend...the pain these past months has been more intense...while at the same time...more healing.

I will always miss my son.

I have so many things to be thankful for...I count them all every day...reminding myself that Cody has ran a good race...

I am not surprised by these painful trials...God has a plan for me...why wouldn't the enemy work hard to keep me down...to bad for him, God gave me a good man...

I am happy.

So for Valentine's day and for my anniversary to the best husband ever...I am elated at the fact that Love is in the Air.

I will write again sometime soon.

Until Next Time...

In Love & Prayer,
-E

Monday, January 22, 2007 4:29 PM CST

I HATE THIS DISEASE CALLED CHILDHOOD CANCER...In the process, I have also learned to hate other disease called MPS and Krabbe. I just don't understand why so many children are attacked and made to suffer at the hand of such horrific diseases. WHO IS FIGHTING FOR THEM? Our dollars at work support other countries...other issues...but our children suffer...Parents who have lost their children or who are dealing with these disease first hand hit Capital Hill beggin their Congress Men and Women to help...still every dollar is like another tooth pulled...WHY? I just don't understand.

Life has been harder lately with Greg deployed in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom...I continue to get up and do the next right thing...I continue to work and be productive...I continue to spend time with my littlest son and keep in touch with my eldest son...but I am still sadder then I have been...

Maybe it is good to finally grieve instead of hiding behind some kind of fake anger focused at my husband...I don't know...I am just finding it more difficult to upbeat and happy...I am crying more...I am depressed more...I am sad more...

For the most part I stay away from the CaringBridge sites...I just can't bare to read about the pain and suffering...I just can't handle having my heart broken again and again...Today, I logged in to find that another little boy had made his way into the arms of Jesus...his story was similar to Cody's that I just broke down and began to cry...I cried for the loss...I cried for the pain that I know his family will soon endure...I cried for my own loss...for my own pain...I miss my son.

Please don't misunderstand...I am still living life...but as written in every book about grief...I am going through a sad time...In the reality of Cody's passing, I still find peace in the fact that he fought long and hard...I find comfort in the arms of the Father in the fact that today, Cody no longer suffers.

This does not make my pain any less...it just makes it bearable.

I will never be the same...I will never forget...I will never have him back...I will always miss him...I will always love him...I will always long to hold him in my arms again...I will always wonder what if...and how come...this is the human part of me...the part that wishes he was still here...

My spirit rejoices in the knowledge that Cody has gained the ultimate victory...he has received the end prize...he sits at the right hand of Jesus Christ in heaven above...

I wish that I had more time...but I am grateful for the time I had...

I was told one time when we were in the midst of all of this that I had a tremendous heart of mercy...that I am able to feel the pain of a thousand people...I guess this a talent...a gift from God...I am able to rejoice when you rejoice...sadly, I am also able to feel your pain almost as intensely as you do...

I am heartbroken over the loss of Donovan...a little boy I did not know...but one I knew all too well the pain he endured...and the battle he fought...I am crying with his mother tonight as she grieves the first few hours without her son...my heart hurts.

My heart hurts and I am left to ask questions...to wonder WHY? Why aren't we doing more? Why aren't demanding a cure...right now...today? WHY? Why does even one more child have to suffer? Why does even one more family have to hear the words...YOUR CHILD HAS CANCER? Why? Why? Why?

It is not meant for me to understand...that part I do understand...but I can still ask Why? And I can ask God to offer me strength and insight...today and every day...

Some days are better than others...

Please stop by and offer your support, love and prayers to Donovan's family:

www.caringbridge.org/in/babydonovan

Until next time...Write a letter to your Congress Person and tell them that they MUST support funding for a cure TODAY!

In Love & Prayer...
Eleasha

Friday, January 5, 2007 7:44 AM CST

New Year's Eve marked the 4 year anniversary from the date Cody recevied what should have been his life-saving transplant...it hurts my heart to know that it did not work.

We tried everything we could...we did everything they told us and in the end the sentence was the same...

As I continue to follow and watch families whom we have known since the beginning of the journey...I feel the pain of those who are still suffering from loss...I rejoice with those who are victorious...all the while I miss my son.

Life has a way of slipping by sometimes...in the aftermath of losing a child you tend to notice the small things more.

I am grateful for that...

I am grateful for the ability to continue...but for the grace of God.

As the New Year begins...a new year without Cody...I am reminded daily that his memory is here and strong...I am blessed to have been his mother...

The holidays were not as difficult as they could have been...we had a really great time in Florida with family and friends...I am glad we went...staying home would have been harder than you can imagine...

I am counting down the days until my husband returns...I hate that he is away and missing so much...of course it is a different kind of man who CHOOSES to serve his country anyway...I pray that soon the conflicts will end so that all military personnel can be home with their families...in the meantime, I pray for their safety as they serve...

Please keep my friend Carrie, Angel Jordan's mommy, in your prayers as she mourns the loss of her grandmother...Please stop by and let her know your prayers are with her:

www.caringbridge.org/il/jordan

Please also keep our friend Alex in your prayers as he is in the hospital for the first time since transplant just over 4 years ago...he has a couple of terrible infections...Please stop by and let him know you are thinking of him:

www.caringbridge.org/ca/alexschwab

Thanks for stopping by to check in on us...overall we are doing okay.

Until next time...

In Love & Prayer...
Eleasha

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