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Tuesday, February 1, 2011 11:02 AM CST

We are sending you hugs and kisses to heaven today Sweetpea! Thank you for visiting me in my dreams, you looked so happy.

Garrett's KidStrong is doing a clinic activity this week that I think you would have liked, Chinese New Year. We are decorating paper laterns, banners and fans. I found a site where you can get English translated into Chinese so we will be able to put anything the kids want to say on the banners in Chinese letters.

We are having a little problem with our website but are working on it to change the domain name so that we can still reach the other kids that we are trying to help. Just a little change, www.garretts-kidstrong.org. Hopefully we will have that done in the next couple of days.

Just wanted to let you know that we miss you and love you. We know that you are watching over us and many others.

Love,
Mom

Tuesday, October 26, 2010 3:30 PM CDT

Hello Everyone!
We had a great weekend this week with the LiveSTRONG Challenge. UT was having a game at the same time so we did not have as many pedicabs as we would like but the ones that we did have did a wonderful job! Music City Cycles was fantastic with drivers that have been involved with this ride for the past 6 years. This year they had the pedicabs go first since they had to get them back for the UT game which turned out to be a good thing because just after they finished it started raining! Also having the kids lead off the challenge was great! Princess Sara was there again this year, this time with a full head of hair. We had some new kids that I hope had a wonderful time and will continue to do this activity.

Yesterday we did our "haunted houses" activity. It was one of Garrett's favorites so it is one that I am very proud to do at the clinic. I met a young girl that after watching her a while I realized she was just like Garrett. She was there with her grandmother because she was from San Antonio and for some reason would not take her case (insurance reasons) but Dell Children's would take her. She has Rhabdomyosarcoma in the same place as Garrett had but on the left side (Garrett's was on the right side). This young lady is 5 years old and loves hats, especially knitted hats. But seeing her smile reminded me so much of Garrett and her spirit reminded me of Garrett. She is a fighter and survivor. I can only hope and pray that the doctors learned from Garrett's treatment how to treat her. I think her grandmother was surprised when I knew about rhabdo and more surprised when I told her that Garrett had basically the same tumor as her grandchild. When she asked "How is your son doing now?" I hesitated. I did not want to add to her fears, but then again, this is what Garrett's KidStrong is here for, to tell the truth and to share experiences and to hopefully make the kids and families lives easier, whether it is a good outcome or bad. I told her that Garrett had passed but then changed the subject to her grandchild's choice of radiation mask (scoobydoo). I gave her my contact information and hope that she will use me as a resource to help her grandchild get through this.

It hit home seeing her and knowing what they were going through. Not only the physical aspect of treatment but they have the obstical of having being separated from the rest of their family. I had the good luck of being able to keep our family together and my mother coming to help out. Right now it is just them, grandma and grandchild with mom and dad and brothers and sister away from them. I think this young lady is doing well with the situation she is in and I hope and pray that she will be okay. Things have advanced so much since Garrett was diagnosed and I hope they are allowed all the advantages that have been made. If not, it would be a crime.

Anyway, the next thing coming up for Garrett's KidStrong is our Thanksgiving Luncheon. This year we will be delivering again and also having families pick up. Again this year the TAVV will be frying turkeys and as a bonus this year we have the Leathernecks donating for more turkeys so that we will be able to provide 20 families with a full dinner. As you know, we have a paypal account on garrettskidstrong.org if you would like to donate to help out. We provide all the sides beside the turkey so every little bit helps out.

We will also be doing our Parent's Night Out since the flu is not as bad as last year. We take the kids for six hours so that the parents can go shopping, see a movie or get a dinner. We provide presents, meals and craft activities for the kids to do. We can use your support in order to provide this for the kids and their families.

Thank you so much for visiting and I hope you and your families have a terrific Holiday Season.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010 9:02 PM CDT

Sweetpea, I don't know if I should tell you Happy Birthday or not. You are not here so how can you hear me? You would be 15 today and so I am sure that you would not want me to call you Sweetpea. Believe it or not today has not been that bad. I realize that you have moved on and are in a better place than you were here when you were in pain. But still I am going to be selfish and say that I would rather you be here with us than where you are now as long as you were not in pain.

We really did not plan on anything here for your birthday, we had so much going on and I know that you realize that life goes on. Dad had surgery, Grandma visited and we are going to have a clnic activity this week that I think you would have loved. We are making sand castles out of moon sand and also doing colored sand bottles. Of course we will be having cupcakes in your honor that will be bright colors that show up on the tounge and teeth!

Aunt Dee called me today to make sure that I was doing okay. She misses you alot as do many other people. I wish that some of the people that read this journal could have met you. Do you remember Angle Robin? She sends her best and says that she misses you. I actually was cleaning your room the other day and going through some stuff that I had been through before but needed to be dusted and found the last letter that Angle Robin had sent you....the bird jokes that I read to you the day before you died and how you laughed at them.


We had the cancer kids' prom on June 5th this year. It was called "Chinese Latern Festival" and you would have been proud of all that we did for the kids. Your brother would not go to it and I still don't know why. I don't know if it has anything to do with you or that he does not want to admit that he has a blood disorder, who knows.


All I do know is that I miss you very much and want you to be with us every day. Caleigh is growing up so much and I think you would be very proud of her. Kyle is being a boy that is going through "the change" so I don't know if you would be as proud of him right now. Your ideas have given alot of kids moments to be shared and remembered and that is what I am proud of you for. You instilled in me that there were many other kids and families that needed to have something to remember be it the child survives cancer or dies from cancer, their families have something to remember them by. I am so proud of you Garrett. You keep on giving to other people and kids even though you have not been on this earth for the past five years.


To those who visit our caringbridge website we have Face Book accounts set up please request to be a friend of Garrett's KidStrong or if you are already on FB look up Support Garrett's KidStrong. We also have our regular website www.garrettskidstrong.org. Please join us in supporting other families that have been diagnosed with childhood cancer.

Garrett, I love you. I miss you. I wish you were here with us. You are doing great work from where you are and you are my inspiration, my idea-man and my love.

Love, Mom

Wednesday, June 2, 2010 11:00 PM CDT

OMG! Seven years to the date that we first got the word that Garrett had Rhabdomyosarcoma. It seems just like yesterday when we were waiting and waiting in the hospital for the docs to come out and tell us what was going on. They had said that the surgery would take about 2 hours.....5 hours later is when Dr. Slater came into the waiting room and told us that it was not what he was hoping for...it was cancer. The reason it was taking so long in surgery is that they went ahead and placed his port-a-cath and had the oncologist take a look at the tumor itself. I will not lie to you, one of the first thoughts that went through my head was we had not had him baptized yet. I truthfully thought that he was going to die that day. I felt as if I had been in a car wreck going 80 miles an hour and then hitting a wall. After that I was numb for a little while. Until they came out and told us that Garrett was starting to wake up....then all I wanted to do was to be with him. Believe it or not after he saw me and I told him that he was doing great he asked for his father. At that time the hospital did not allow more than one parent back there at a time so I had to give up my time with him to Darrell. Not that it mattered that much to me, I had phone calls to make to make sure the other kids were taken care of and to line up help for the next two weeks that he was in the hospital.

Today, on this terrible anniversary, Darrell had surgery. How could I go through this again? I did not remind Darrell what day it was so that he would not worry about it. Darrell had to have some "maintenance" done on his left ankle. Things that come with age and wear and tear. He had ankle surgery again on his left ankle to grind down the bone spurs that he has that has been causing him pain. You really can't run after criminals if your ankle does not want to move. He is doing well....in fact I have to tell him to get back in bed to rest his ankle. They put a "block" on and he does not realize that it is really hurting if he did not have it. Maybe he should give birth sometime!

Anyway, I did not want to remind him what day it was, did not even remind the kids what day it was. I guess it is time to carry on without all these terrible reminders of what we went through. I just want Garrett to know that I remember these days that affected him most, even though while he was going through them at the time he did not know what the outcome would be. We have so much to look forward to in our family but I will always look back and see what made us a family and Garrett was the start of it. Before Garrett it was just Darrell and I, a married couple that was starting out in life, a new home, new cars and careers. We were so young then (I think it was young, did not have Garrett until I was 30). I just keep thinking back to when Garrett was little, playing hide and seek around in the living room and when I would pop out from the other side of the couch and hear his squeal of surprise and then his laugh afterwards....just tugs at your heart that such a simple game like that could bring so much joy to this wonderful little boy.

Now seven years ago today we were facing the biggest obstical of our lives. This wonderful little boy was going to start fighting for his life. From day one of his diagnosis we had so many neighbors, friends and family that helped us out throughout our journey. There are not enough words that would express all of my gratitude to these people, some of who I had never met before, were there to help out and take care of my family. We were so uninformed as to what was going to happen, we were not prepared for the journey all of us were about to take. Let me tell you how it is...you are told your child has cancer, you are told your child had a port-a-cath placed in his body not knowing what a port-a-cath is, then you are told that you will meet with a pediatric oncologist to set your child's regime. This is all within minutes of being told your child has cancer. It was way over my head and I am usually the calm one. If you ask Darrell today what had happened seven years ago I promise you he would not be able to tell you. That is how hard it hits you as a parent.

You always think what if I had done this or that, would it have made that much of a difference? As everyone will say hind sight is 20/20. But you know what....it is not fair to say that to a cancer family whose child has been diagnosed with cancer. I know that there was nothing that we could have done to prevent this. The technology is not here yet to get us prepared for that. I remember when I was pregnant with Caleigh and the first few tests that we had done had said that she was high risk for being abnormal. So much that I had to have an amnio done. Darrell and I talked, prayed and cried what we would do if it came out that she was abnormal. I may look bad in some people's mind for what I am going to tell you next, but it was our decision that if the test came out that she was not okay and that we would have a long, hard road before us when she was born, that we would end the pregnancy. It was very hard for us to decide this, in that I had already lost two other children to ectopic pregnancies, but we felt that it would not be fair to Garrett and Kyle to bring another child into our family that would take up all of our time just to make sure they stayed alive. Fortunately Caleigh was okay....even though I cried when I found out that she was a girl. What did I know about bringing up a girl?

I tell you this because when Garrett was diagnosed we focused 99% of our time and energy to him. Kyle and Caleigh did get shuffled to the back of the line. For this I am extremely guilt-ridden about. From that day forward, seven years ago today, I focused on getting Garrett though this. I will be the first to admit that I did push Kyle and Caleigh to the "back burner." Getting Garrett healthy was my day, night 24/7 mission. If you know me personally, you know that I do not give up, I am stubborn and I want the outcome that I have looked for. I am so grateful for those that picked up where I was failing as a mother for my other children.

No matter what other people say, there is no way to prepare yourself for the news that your child is not well and will be fighting for their life. All I can say is it helps more than anything to have a great support system behind you to pick up the slack.

That is one of the reasons we started Garrett's KidStrong. We have been there, we can help. That is what Garrett wanted and that is what we are now providing other families that have to travel through this cancer journey.

I am happy to report that both Kyle and Caleigh are doing very well. Caleigh made straight A's throughout the school year....her TAKS tests were more than amazing...commended in all subjects, way above the commended level actually. Kyle did not make all A's for the first time in a long time, but the lowest grade he had was a B. We are going to have to get on him about that, considering he is wanting to go to the Air Force Academy, that and following instructions. (A 12-going on 13-year old does not want to listen to his parents on any subject).

I would like to announce that Garrett's KidStrong rec'd a $500.00 donation from the Sun City Kiwanis. They are a great group of people that want to make a difference in kids' lives and are doing so. Also if you would like to make a donation to help other families that have a childrens' diagnosis of childhood cancer you can always go to www.garrettskidstrong.org. We are also now on FaceBook which you can join as a friend.

On a personal note....Robin, I was going through some of Garrett's stuff to get ready for Grandma's visit and I found your jokes that you sent Garrett the last time he was in the hospital. I can still see his face when I was reading those jokes to him and how he would smile his little half-smile (because of the tumor his whole right side of his face did not move) and his little snorts of laughter when he heard the punch line. It is one of my favorite memories and I appreciate that memory that you gave us.

If you cannot give monitarily to any of the charities that you follow, please consider doing volunteer work in you area hospital or look into becoming a Chemo Angel like Robin was/is. Garrett looked forward to getting mail from his chemo angels and always smiled when they came. It only takes a few minutes out of your day, but believe it or not, you may be making a child's week with that little bit of effort.

Okay, so should I step off my soap box now? Sorry if ther are misspellings, I know the cursor jumped a few time during this rant and I have probably created a couple new words for the dictionary in the process. It has been a hard day for me and I appreciate each and every one of you that come and visit this site even though Garrett is gone. I still believe with all my heart that he is watching out for us, protecting us and visiting us in our dreams to tell us that he is ok.

God Bless and pray that we have a fantastic Prom for the cancer kids this weekend!

Sunday, January 31, 2010 1:57 PM CST

It is just past 2:00 pm and I realized that it was 5 years ago today that I last saw my son alive and breathing. We (my mother, Dee and I) had gone to the hospital to see Garrett and read him some of the jokes that his chemo angel Robin had sent. He chuckled at most of them and we even got a smile out of him. He was still asking for Sprite in a cup with a straw, please. He let me lie down next to him as I read the jokes to him. Ms. Debbie Baron and Ms. Susan Thompson were there visiting him also. We had a room full of people that loved him. It was supposed to be my night to stay with him, but after getting the news from the doctors that we were now on palative care, I wanted to get things in gear for Garrett to come home and be with us. Darrell decided to stay just one more night while I went home to make arrangements and make all the calls that I needed to make. When I left there I stood over my son (not knowing that it was the last time) and told him that I loved him. He said, "I love you too Mom." Those were the last words I heard from him.

Five years ago.....seems so long but just like yesterday. That scene will play in my mind forever. Darrell stayed with Garrett that night and I am glad that he did. I would have never been that strong to watch him pass on....there is no way that I would not have been trying to convince the nurses and doctors there that they needed to do everything possible to keep him here, even if it meant that he would be on life support and probably have some pain. I am selfish that way...I wanted him to stay with us even though we knew there was no way to keep the cancer from growing. With Darrell being there making the decision not to do anymore was much better. Not to say that it was not hard on Darrell, but he had a cooler head than I did.

There are always going to be the times that you look back and say "What if." I watch Kyle and Caleigh growing up and am so proud of what they have accomplished. What if Garrett was still here, would he be the same way? Of course he would. It is the family that makes the child and I am sure that if Garrett was here he would make us just as proud as Kyle and Caleigh have. He would still be a straight A student like his brother and sister and have many friends and relationships that he fostered through the years. I can also imagine him telling me why he needed more minutes on his cell phone!

We miss our Garrett very much, but we have moved on. Garrett's KidStrong is going well. Tomorrow we will be presenting the infusion clinic with what they had wished for, two mobile gaming units that are more compact and easily moved by the children themselves. One has a Wii and the other an XBox 360, both with DVD players. I researched these and found a better way of supplying them to the clinic that was $7,000.00 less than what they were originally looking at. I am pretty pleased with what we were able to provide and have included a picture on our picture page for all to see.

So tomorrow, even though it is a sad day for me personally, will be a happy day at the clinic. Kyle is actually going to be "skipping school" to be my technical help on setting up these stations, Darrell is going to be my "muscle" to help load, unload and carry. I could not find a job for Caleigh to do, so she will be going to school....well, maybe she can help with the cupcakes.

Afterwards we will be stopping by the cemetary to place some flowers on Garrett's gravesite. They of course will be gerber daisies....My mother wanted me to buy some from her instead of buying her a birthday gift. Hopefully I can make her proud.

Burying your child is something a mother should never, ever have to do....but sometimes fate, circumstances and the will of God changes what you invisioned your life to be. I saw myself as a mother of three wonderful children that would grow up, have families of their own. Well, I still see myself watching my children growing up and having families of their own, just one less than what I started out with. But I also look at what has happened since Garrett has moved on...how many families we have helped, how many more people that I have had the honor to meet and work with. I have come to the conclusion that these families, these kids and the people that work with them on a day-to-day basis are my extended family. I enjoy watching them grow up. I cry when they are not able to grow up and their family is now faced with what we did five years ago.

I would encourage you to help out in any way that you can. Become a volunteer, send some much needed money to your local charity, become a Chemo Angel. There are many things that you can do to make a difference. You may think that it is not that much of a difference, but to us that provide the services to these families and kids it is a milestone when we are able to provide things like the gaming systems that we will be taking there tomorrow. I am so prould of what Garrett's KidStrong has done these past five years and would be confident in knowing that Garrett would be proud also.

We still have our website up www.garrettskidstrong.org and we are now also on Facebook under Support Garrett's KidStrong, both of which take paypal so that we can continue to help our cancer kid community.

For those of you that have been keeping up with us and supporting us throughout these years, a sincere Thank You. You are helping out so many families. Garrett would have been very proud to see what we have done. If you would like, please check out your local area volunteer opportunities and make that difference. Just one afternoon can make a huge impression on those that you may be helping.

To Garrett:

Honey I miss you every single day. I think about you every single day. You inspire me every single day. I see so much of you in Caleigh that sometimes it scares me. You always were and will continue to be the Love of My Life. Skip some clouds for me and I look forward to when we can be together again. You may not remember her, but your Great Grandma Cargill joined you and may be looking for you up in Heaven. When you see her, give her a hug from me and your brother and sister. I love you and am very proud of you.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009 5:01 PM CST

It is so hard to believe that it has been four years ago that I was running around like a madman trying to find a house and flights to Florida to make Garrett's final wish. I had asked him what he wanted to do the most and he had told me to go back to Disney and Florida. I had so much help getting that done in that Southwest provided our plane tickets and Picket Fences Realty found a beautiful home for us to rent. We got our family there and they were able to have alot of fun. Hard to believe that Garrett has been gone almost 5 years now. We have done so much since then. I can still remember his face when I told him that we were going to Florida again...he even looked over my shoulder while I was researching what rides we could ride and telling me that he definately wanted to go on that one ride even though his sister was too small to go on it, told me that I could wait with Caleigh while he and his dad went on the ride. Typical brother, wanting to do what he wanted to do even though it might mean leaving out his sister....

Even though Garrett has been gone almost 5 years now, it does not mean we have not forgotten him or what he wanted to do. Garrett's KidStrong is up and going. We are in the process of having our 3rd Annual Thanksgiving Dinner here in Austin. Although with the flu being such a concern here we will not be holding a "dinner" like we have before, we asked the Child Life Specialist to provide us with 10 families that are deserving and have the need to have Thanksgiving dinner to be delivered to them. The TAVV is frying turkeys again this year, which I am grateful for. We will deliver these turkeys and fixings to these families homes on the Monday before Thanksgiving. I would hope that they appreciate all the effort and love that was put into it.

We are also in the process of planning our Parent's Night Out. It will be held on December 5th at Abiding Love Lutherian Church in South Austin. Same place it has been held before. If you would like to make a donation to go towards presents for the cancer kids or their siblings that have to go through the cancer experience also, please visit our website at www.garrettskidstrong.org and donate through paypal.

Our children are our lives.....I am lucky enough to have two children that are still here. I was lucky enough to have given life to one of the most beautiful kids I have ever seen. He was always polite, considerate and giving. There truthfully was only a couple of times I can remember ever yelling at Garrett to stop doing something (like wrapping a swing chain around his brother's neck). Other than those few times he was a good soul. I am sorry that the world has lost such a soul and can only hope that his siblings and people that he made an impression on will carry on his good soul.

My memories of Garrett are not fading, they seem to hit me everytime I smell a certain smell or see a sunset that I know he would glory at. It makes me want to work harder in his name to make other families lives easier. Please visit Garrett's KidStrong and make a differance.....

As always thank you for visiting.

Thursday, August 13, 2009 11:20 AM CDT

Hello All,

5 years ago today, almost to the hour, I got the call from Dr. Wells, Garrett's oncologist, that his tumor was advancing. This day was supposed to be a happy day in that we had planned on going with the J's downtown Austin to welcome back Lance Armstrong, Garrett's hero, home after his Tour win. Garrett was already over at Jacob's house, having spent the night there with his friend. Dr. Wells asked me if I was driving at the time, and of course I was but told him to tell me anyway because I knew already that it was not good news. I had been watching Garrett closely for the past couple of weeks and had noticed that his speech was more slurred and he seemed to be having a hard time with his balance. That is why I asked his doctor to move up his MRI scan a month ahead of time. A mom always knows when something is just not right with her chicks and I knew that even though Garrett was looking forward to going back to school and being with his friends, that something was just not right. Dr. Wells told me that the scan showed that Garrett's tumor was again advancing and that he would need to have chemo and radiation treatment again. We had had three and a half months that he was considered to be in remission. Three and a half months thinking that he had beat this monster. Three and a half months of not having to worry, not having to go to the doctor's office at least twice a week, just being a happy family and having fun. That all ended that day.

I was crying when I got to the J's house, still with Dr. Wells on the phone and Wendy saw that something was wrong. She got the other kids out of the car while I finished up with my phone call and was the first to hug me when I got out of the car. I went immediately to Garrett and he saw that I had been crying and asked, "Mom what is wrong?" I realized at that moment that I would no longer hide anything from him when it came to his health. I told him that his cancer had come back and that he would need to get chemo again. He looked at me and said, "Mom I beat cancer once, I can beat it again."

Here I was a grown person cryiing my eyes out and here was this young man that had been through so much, not having a "normal" youth telling me that he was willing to fight again, willing to go through the treatments that held him back from having friends, school, birthday parties and all the things that a normal nine-year-old should be doing, he was willing to do that all over again just to live. And the next thing he said to me was, "We are still going to the parade aren't we?"

He had so looked forward to going downtown Austin, we even made a banner to stand out in the crowd, hoping that Lance Armstrong would see it. I still have that banner in my office, it is a badge of courage, that banner was the start of Garrett's KidStrong.....Kids Kicking Cancer's Ass! I told him that there was going to be alot of people there to see Lance and that he may not be able to meet Lance again, but he had hoped that Lance would remember him from when he did the Nike commercial with him. It was bittersweet being there, cheering for Lance when he went by on his bike, all the time thinking how I was going to tell Garrett's father the news that I had gotten earlier. Darrell was actually working overtime for the parade and I did not want to tell him over the phone, I wanted to tell him face-to-face. Darrell was actually working about 4 blocks down from where we finally ended up being on Congress Ave. but I knew I could not tell him there, it would have to be at home.

The kids ended up having a great time and where very happy to be a part of history. I look back now and remember how happy Garrett was even though he knew what he was about to go through. There was to be surgeries to implant his port-a-cath back in, place a new gold weight in his eyelid so that he could close his eye and many more after that. He was able to go to school one day, the first day of his 4th grade, the next day he was in the hospital getting his port-a-cath in and getting chemo.

Five years ago today, and it was a Friday the 13th, was the beginning of the end for Garrett. He fought so hard, wanting to live but in the end the battle was just too hard and too long. His body gave out but his spirit never did. No matter how sick he got, no matter how much pain he was in, he wanted to be with family and friends to be as normal as he could be.

Garrett is still with us in spirit, he is my inspiration when it comes to doing activities with other cancer kids, he taught me to think like a kid does and what would be fun to do. Pokemon is no longer a big thing like it was when Garrett was here, but there are other things that kids are into and I look at them with a fresh outlook, like I was a kid and wanting to be a part of it. Things change after time, it is a part of life but I will always want to look at life with kids' eyes, want to be able to help these families that have to go through this cancer experience as normal as they can be.

I look at Kyle and Caleigh and see Garrett in both of them. Caleigh looks so much like Garrett it is scary sometimes (Garrett had more freckels and a cleft in his chin). Sometimes when the kids argue with me and don't listen about the regular things like picking up their room or even feeding the dogs, I have to step back and not yell at them and remind them that they have got it good, at least they are here to do those things, that they are alive and well, not like their brother who, even though he fought so hard to live, is no longer here to argue with me. They are good kids, don't think that I am not proud of their accomplishments. Both are straight "A" students, but sometimes they just can't seem to get motiviated. I would assume that if Garrett was still here, he would be the same way. It is just a kid thing.

Okay, so I have ranted and raved here today. It is just a hard day for me and I wanted to share it with you, not wanting to make it a burden for you but just to share my feelings. Now that I have done that I would ask that you sign the guestbook to let me know that you guys are still out there and are supporting Garrett's KidStrong. Spread the word around that childhood cancer will no longer be in the closet, that these kids and their families need our support in order to make their lives as normal as we can.

Thank you for visiting. Please visit our website at www.garrettskidstrong.org.

Monday, June 15, 2009 9:50 PM CDT

Hello All,

I guess it was God's will or whatever that you did not see what I wrote before. I was venting and was talking about my political views when it came to stem cell research, but I guess it was not to be sounded out by me, so I will talk about Garrett.

He would have been 14 years old tomorrow. With Kyle, his brother, being almost 5 foot tall, I can imagine Garrett being as tall as I am (5'7") because Garrett was always an over achiever. I can imagine all of his freckles and the dimple in his chin. His colic in his hair His long legs that would have hair on them now and making sure that he would put sunscreen on before he went out to play with his friends for the whole day long. His smile, being a little to the left because of his tumor, giving him an attitude that is a little sexy but yet something else that could not be understood unless you knew him and his history. Girls that look at him and see in his eyes a knowing of life and death, a depth that they would never know unless they really got to know him. He wanting to be a normal kid, trying as hard as he could to be "one of the club," but not always fitting in. He is not as fast, not as strong, not as normal as the other kids, but he has more understanding of life than all the others in his class. I wish Garrett could be here today to tell you exactly how he feels, what he wishes for and what he expects of us, but he is not here and I can only imagine what he would say or do, but I

Thursday, May 28, 2009 7:17 PM CDT

Hello All,

We have so much going on right now with the end of school, end of Kyle's baseball, which by the way they won the Division Championship for their age level and the Hungry Bunch cancer kids' prom. I almost forgot that it was six years ago today that we found out about Garrett's cancer. God what it day it was....waiting for the surgeon to come out and tell us what was going on. We knew it was not good news when what they told us was going to be a three hour surgery took them 6 hours to come out and tell us what was going on. The doctor coming out and telling us to sit down, that it was not a histomis x like they had originally thought, but it was a type of cancer, that it would take them a little longer to find out what type of cancer it was. Our lives changed in such a short amount of time.

But we do not think about that much anymore....what we do think about is how we can help other families that are starting on their cancer journey like we did. We can help them and that is what Garrett wanted. He wanted to make sure that the kids would be able to be kids and we are striving for that.

This is not an entry to what has passed, it looks to the future to help other families that are about to go on the cancer experience, please know that we can help you any way that we can and we will be there for you. For the families that use google search or any other search engine, if we cannot help you we will do our best to find someone that can help your family when it comes to support and understanding of your cancer experience.

I could have stepped away from the cancer experience when Garrett left us, but it was not his wish and it was not in my blood to leave this community. We need to be heard and we will be heard when it comes to childhood cancer. Make your voice known, tell your community leaders how many of our children are stricken by childhood cancer....swine flu makes national news but does something like childhood cancer make it,,,,,no. The reason being is that there are not enough people out there making it a notice.

Our children are our future. What is more important than your children? Make it known that this has to come to the forefront....this has to be addressed by legislation to provide funding for research to cure all childhood cancers. I will bet my life on it, if we find cures for all childhood cancers we will rid ourselves of over half the cancers in the world today.

I hate to say it but stop giving all the money to the people that brought the cancer upon themselves, give the money to the innocent children and cure them!

Thank you for stopping by and I am sorry that it has taken me so long to update. Next time I do I will include pics from the last cancer kids prom for you to enjoy!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009 9:44 PM CDT

We would like to invite you to our 2nd Annual Garrett's KidStrong Benefit happening April 11th at Cindy's Gone Hog Wild off of Hwy 71 just past AIBA. The Leathernecks and Tornados' MC clubs are sponsoring it again this year and we have alot planned. There will be family and kids' activities, silent auction, fun run and much more. Last time they raised over 10K for GKS and that is what we have been running off of for the past year and a half. If we want to continue to give these families the activities that we have and hopefully better activities we need people to show up and donate. I know that the economy is not so good right now, but if you put yourself in these families situations the outlook would be even worse.

Four years ago when we were going through treatments and with a very good health insurance policy it was costing our family over 500 a month for Garrett's treatments. Can you imagine what it is costing family's that do not have good insurance? Garrett's KidStrong does not help these families pay their deductibles, but we do provide fun, safe activities for the whole family to enjoy free of charge. We just want to put a smile on the faces of these families that are effected by a childhood cancer diagnosis. There are not enough smiles for these families that are going through this journey and I know this from experience.

I cannot express enough how I feel about wanting to help these families, but not having enough money to do so....Garrett wanted to have a program that would provide fun and a sense of being normal. That is what I can do with your help. If you can please come out to the benefit and see what we do for these families. I will have booths out there that show actual activities that we have done and we will also be doing some of the activties that we do in the clinic.

I am very proud to have the people in my life that have helped with this vision and have supported us. I also am glad that Garrett has touched so many lives even though he is no longer here. Makes me think that this was his legacy to make sure childhood cancer comes out in front and we take care of these families. I am fortunate enough to have people that care and want to volunteer their time, venues and names to carry on such an event.

When it all comes down to it, I am just a Mother that is still very proud of her Son in what he is doing even though he is not here physically, but he is here in spirit.

Please come out to the benefit if you can. It will be alot of fun and all proceeds go to families that definately need it.

Thanks for stopping by.

Monday, January 26, 2009 7:17 PM CST

A Letter To Her Son:

Dearest Sweetpea (Garrett),

I cannot believe that it has been almost 4 years since you have gone to Heaven. Almost half of your life here with us. As you know, I miss you each and every day and night. Your Father and Brother and Sister miss you just as much as I do. Kyle goes to a class each week to help him understand why you left us. Caleigh really is doing okay, she did not get to know you as well as Kyle did, she has her moments when she is really sad, but they pass quickly. Your father is doing well, working as usual, he has his moments that believe it or not he actually opens up to me now and talks about you. There was a time when we could not even be in the same room together without crying or getting sad, but now your father talks about you with me and how he felt. We will remember little things that you did that made us smile so much and laugh (and cry) about it. We keep on with your brother and sister that even though you had been so sick you still managed to have an "A" average and they try their best to keep up to that record. Kyle had all "A's" for the last six weeks (since he is now in middle school they grade every six weeks instead of nine) and his mid-term exams were great, bringing his half-year average to 5 A's and 2 high B's. You would be proud of him. He is also about to have his baseball tryouts this weekend for his 3rd season of baseball, one being the regular season and then he made All-Stars for his second. Your sister is doing so well in her writing. She takes after you in that she is so descriptive and involved in her stories. I hate to sometimes say it but she is a better writer than you were. Her handwriting is much better than yours was, but who I am to complain, at least you were able to write and tell some fantastic stories. Since times are tight right now as far as expenses, we decided instead of going on our skiing trip that we would buy a family package to the "Y" here in Round Rock. You remember the "Y" when we went when Caleigh was a newborn. Well, we rejoined as a family and the place has changed so much. They have an indoor pool, including a small water park. Caleigh is really into swimming and we hope to get her more involved. We have only one problem in that, she seems to be having fluid buildup behind her eardrum, remember when she had to have tubes put in her ears when she was a baby and you were so worried about her, well, if we cannot find out why she is having this problem again, we may have to have tubes put back in and at 9 years old it will be more painful for her and she will not be able to swim without earplugs. Do you remember when we had to put those wax earplugs in her ears and then put that band around her head when she was a baby? You used to be such a big helper with that! You would try to sing her songs and blow bubbles to take her mind off of it while I was trying to get those things in and on. You were great with her even though you did not have to do it, you were being such a fantastic big brother. You always took it upon yourself to be the big brother or a good example. I am not saying that you were perfect, but you came darn close to being that. I miss your smiles, I miss your hugs and most of all I just miss you. I cannot get near the smell of BioSilk anymore because it makes me cry. I remember when I would put it on your bald head and you just liked me massaging your head, how you would put your head back just a little bit to rest on my chest while I rubbed your head and relaxed and you would say to me, "That smells so good." And I knew that it was just not the smell, but me massaging your head that made you feel better, even though you would not admit it. I just want you to know that we think about you everyday and we miss you everyday. I wish upon wishes that I could have traded places with you, you being here with your father, brother and sister. You had so much to give to this world and that was taken from you, not by your doing or our fault. That is what makes me so mad sometimes when I read the newspaper or watch tv to see that some people bring this upon themselves to leave this world or take someone from this world. I wish you were here to make this world a better place. I know in my heart that if you had been here you would have made a difference. Please know that we love you and we pray in our own way for you each and every day. We carry on, Kyle and Caleigh are doing well and are growing. Your father was chosen to go to Washington DC to be a part of history and he is very proud to have represented APD for that. I myself am trying to carry on your wish to be a normal kid again and am working to get Garrett's KidStrong on the national map. If you have been watching from Heaven you have seen what we have done so far and I hope that you are proud of me and what we have accomplished so far. I don't go to your cemetary plot as much as I think other people think I should, but you know what, you are not there...you are guiding me in Heaven and I know that you guide me in my dreams of you and what you would like to have happen with Garrett's KidStrong. You are our inspiration for activities for kids and believe it or not you are still my hero. Your dad brought me back a wrist band from DC like the LiveStrong band you used to wear and it said "Heros Live Forever" that is you honey, you are my hero.

Most of all SweetPea, don't think that I dwell on your death, I think of your life and what an inspiration you were, what you gave us and are still giving other kids that are affected by childhood cancer. You may have gone from this world, but your work is not done and we are continuing your work here on Earth. I miss you so very much, your father misses you so very much as your brother and sister do, but life goes on and with your help and inspiration we will go on for a very long time.

I love you and always will. Love, Mom.

To our regular visitors:

Thank you so much for your continued support and encouraging words. What would help most at this time is to get out the word about Garrett's KidStrong, to help other kids and their families that are facing what we faced, childhood cancer. Your support either by volunteering or financially would be greatly appreciated. Garrett is gone, but there are 80 families that will be affected here in the Central Texas area alone that will have to go what Garrett went through. Dell Children's will have at least 80-100 kids this year alone that will come through their doors to be treated for childhood cancer. These treatments are at least 9 months for each child, they can be more than 3 years. Then you have 5 years of follow-up treatments if they survive their cancer. That is a long time to be considered a cancer patient. Not only that, but the families have to deal with survivorship in that when the child turns 18, if not in school, will have to apply for health insurance and probably be turned down. Please help us educate people on childhood cancer, what we can do to help these families, their kids and their future. Visit www.garrettskidstrong.org and sign up for either volunteering or becoming a financial donor.

Thank you for visiting and God Bless.

Thursday, July 31, 2008 7:31 PM CDT

Hello All,

It has been a busy and lazy summer here. With gas prices we decided not to go to Florida this year and try to make the best of it here in Texas. My sister, Cathleen, and her family visited on their way to their new home in El Paso. What a shock for them to be moving from Germany, spend a while in Penn. then have to move to El Paso! I was so happy to see them! Brad is such a grown young man and Nathan is getting taller than I ever expected. Sometimes it hurts me to see these children grow up knowing that I will never see Garrett grow up. I have that feeling when I look at Kyle and Caleigh. Kyle is now 11 and Caleigh is 9. To tell you the truth, I think Caleigh looks more like Garrett than Kyle. But it is still hard to imagine Garrett at 13. I wish I could see what he would have looked like.

Several things have happened since I last posted. Garrett's gravesite had to be dug up. The reason being that all around where he is buried was lush green except an exact rectangle of what would be his coffin. I went to the manager of the grounds where he is buried and showed them what was going on and they could not give a reason why the grass had died in that fashion. Of course I was worried about the condition of his vault and they agreed with me that in order to find out what was going on we would need to dig up the grave to make sure the vault was not compromised. So I had to go through the ordeal of my son's burial plot being dug up and making sure the vault was intact. There is still no answer as to why the grass died in that shape and only over Garret's gravesite. But so far as seem to be well. I did not know that on his vault was his name and the birth and death dates on there, I had never seen the top of the vault before and that kind of got to me.

Other things that have been going on, Kyle got into baseball for the first time in his life and he excelled in it. He seems to be a natural pitcher, much to his father's delight. He even made All Stars his first time out. Kyle seem to really enjoy it and is looking into doing fall baseball instead of football which may be better for him since he was diagnosed with Von Willebrand's disease. Oh, I forgot to mention that. Kyle had a problem with brusing extremely bad even though it was a little bump. He would even bruise if I tickled him. Well, I took him to the doctor and they thought it might be diabites. He checked out okay there, but the endochronologist said to go to a hemotologist/oncologist, and yes, he went to Dr. Wells, Garrett's oncologist. The warning signs, the shivers, the anxiety and the worries all came back to me. Even though I have been in the clinic many a time since Garrett has passed doing activities through Garrett's KidStrong, taking your child in there to be tested just sent me into a spin. Kyle was diagnosed with a mild case of hemophillia and VWB disease and will be tested again before he goes back to school. We just have to watch him, he can still do all the activities he has done before, but just let the doctor know before he has to have any surgery or oral surgery done. As I am writing this, Kyle slipped a little while ago on the floor and hit his ankle on the reclyner that gave him two cuts and I know that by tomorrow his whole ankle will be a great big bruise. They tell me that this is passed on from the parents and I am sure that I am the one that passed it on to him because I bruise so easily but never thought to have myself tested for it.

Caleigh is doing well, growing like a weed. She finally agreed to have her hair trimmed the first time in three years. She wears glasses now, unfortunately I also passed on to her my vision. She got her first pair of glasses that change into sunglasses a couple of months ago. I have already spent more on her vision wear than mine!

I got word a couple of weeks ago that the Leathernecks and the Tornados are planning on having another benefit for Garrett's KidStrong this year!! What a great group of people we have here to do that. They really believe in us and what we are doing for the kids. We have terrific backing from the clinic and the new Dell Children's Hospital (in that they work well with us and are open to our suggestions when it comes to activities) I just wish that they would contribute financially to our endeavors, but we take it one step at a time. I appreciate that they call on us for our opinions when it comes to differetant activites and appreciate our input. I am proud to be able to contribute any way that I can to make these kids happy and hopefully have the best experience they can through their cancer journey. Unfortunately we have lost a few children these past few months and I truly feel for the parents and the siblings of these families. It is a very rough road ahead of them, it will have definite lows, but it does get better with time. You will always miss your child, but if you look back at the time that you had with that child and can truthfully say that you made the best of that time with that child, you can be sure that wherever that child is, they are happy.


With that thought I leave you for right now. Take time to be grateful for what you have, what you have had that may be gone now and live for tomorrow. Make tomorrow a better day, even with just a nod of the head and a "Hello" to a stranger. I must share this with you. When Garrett was a little boy he would listen for the garbage men to come by the house. He would jump with joy and run to the front door when he heard they were coming around the corner and he would greet the gentlemen twice each week with a smile and a wave. At Christmastime he convinced me to bake cookies for them and delivered them proudly to them just before Christmas when they came around. Now days you don't even think about the garbage people when they come around, they either come too early or you are not at home when they come. Well, I have to say that I have the most fantastic sanitary engineers that pick up our trash at our house. They don't know my family's trials that we have been through, but they are terrific. If I happen to be outside when they come around, even if they are three houses down, they yell "good morning." One time when I had forgotten to put something out and I went running out there to catch them the gentleman said, "I am glad you caught us and God Bless you." I have to think back to when Garrett was so nice and thoughtful and I have to think that this is the repayment of his thoughtfullness and caring. What goes around, comes around.

Take care of yourselves and your family. Take care of your neighbors and your community. Take the time to acknowledge someone you don't even know with a nod of the head and a Hello. What goes around, comes around.

Sunday, June 15, 2008 9:09 PM CDT

I remember how I felt 13 years ago today. I was very nervous and questioning myself about becoming a mother for the first time. I knew that Garrett would be born on June 16th - he was induced. I knew that the next day would be so different from all of my other days of my life. I would be a mother for the first time. I would be accountable for taking care, loving and teaching this child that at that time was still in my womb. I had so many ideas running through my head on how we would bring up this child, how we would teach him (yes, I already knew that he was going to be a boy) to be able to be a productive, inspiring person in our society. I had so many ideas running through my head, what would he look like, is he healthy, would he be a good person? The only thing I knew for sure was that I would fall in love with him at first sight. I had 9 months to prepare myself for his entrance into my life but I had no idea what a huge impact he would have on me and everyone that he knew. I love all of my children, but as a mother I will admit that the first child is extra special. (Please do not encourage my other two children to read this.)

As I have stated before, Garrett was not wanting to come into this world very easy. No, he had to make me (and I do mean me) work for it. We went to the hospital early, early in the morning and Garrett did not make his presence until that evening. My loving husband, Darrell, took time to have a lovely lunch with my friend Dee, while in the mean time I was pushing by myself, at one point being the only one in the room and wondering if I was really supposed to be doing this by myself.

I cannot believe that it has been 13 years since I went through that experience. I remember when I turned 13...and now my baby would have been turning 13. I hope that we gave as much love, understanding and education to our son in the short 9 years that he was here to be able to carry it on where ever he went and be able to share his love and experience to whomever he touches.

I know he has touched so many people even after his passing. He is still an inspiration to me and will continue to be while I try to think of what he would be doing if he actually was 13 years old.

I do have pictures to post from the prom.. I will do so later. Right now it is for me to say:

Happy 13th Birthday Garrett! We all love you and miss you more than anything. I look forward to seeing you again and being able to tell you how much I love you again and just give you a real big hug and kiss.

Love,
Mom

Friday, March 28, 2008 9:57 AM CDT

Hello Everyone!

I hope that you all are doing well and are healthy. Alot has happened over the Holiday seasons and beyond. First of all, I am very proud of Caleigh for doing so well on her reading TAKS test. She was commended with missing only one answer and her overall grade was 98. Kyle did not do so well, but at least he was over passing. In other words he did not get commended, but he did well above passing. I expect high grades from my kids and sometimes I and their father are very hard on them to study to get good grades, but with Kyle it seems to be an organization problem and truthfully I am not the best organizer. My house seems to be in a mess all the time, even though it seems like I clean and pick up all the time. I hope that I am not the only mother in this world that even though I work all day long to make things clean, picked up, put away and presentable that at the end of the day it does not look like I have done anything at all. The kids come in from school and it is like a tornado went through here. They are so much like their father in that before we had kids when he came home from work he would take off his clothes as soon as he was walking in the door and you could follow his path through the house from the things that had been dropped on the floor. He does not do that now because of course we have Caleigh and it does not hurt that our bedroom is right off the entrance to the garage so that he does not have to walk through the house to get comfortable.
I know that I am just ranting, sometimes that helps. But to catch you up on what has been going on, we had the biggest and best Childhood Cancer Awareness Fair ever! It was held on the Dell Children's Medical Center outside healing garden grounds along with St. Baldrick's day. We had a little over 350 people come out to enjoy the beautiful day (I got sunburned). We had some wonderful volunteers come out to help us, Debie Miller, Taylor, Karen and of course Brenda (my right-hand lady). Darrell had actually been working overtime and was just planning on stopping by to see how things were going after he got off and he ended up staying a couple of hours watching the kids having so much fun! It was very nice to have it there at the hospital because kids that were admitted were able to attend and seeing their smiles just made my day. My friend Dee came down from Dallas to help out and I truthfully think it made an impact on her to see so many people working so hard to help kids with cancer. People ask me how I can do this for Garrett's KidStrong, my answer to them is "How can I not do this for them." Yes, there are times that it is very emotional, but it does not physically hurt me. I have seen what these children go through, I was there by my son's side when he had to have proceedures that were painful. All I could do was hold his hand and tell him that it would be all right. These children are going through similar things, if not the same, that Garrett had to do. I was blessed with a child that would tell me what he was feeling, how he was feeling and tell me what I could do to make it better. I want to pass his knowledge on to the next family that unfortunately has to go through the same thing. Maybe it can help them.

Hopefully we can make a difference, make another child's life easier, make their families lives better. We can't do much, but what little we can do I hope it helps.

Our next big project is the Prom for the Hungry Bunch kids, ages 12-18. Some of these kids are on steriods, some are bald, some may not make it to their actual high school prom. So we are giving them a prom. I am very excited about this. There are some terrific people working on this project and we are putting together a night that the kids will not forget.

One person that I have to signal out on this is Glenda Skinner from Starlight Starbright foundation. This woman has so much energy that if I could bottle it up and put it in my car I would never have to buy gas again (and at this time it would be a good thing, it costs me 50.00 to fill up my tank). She has so many ideas and so many connections that I think this prom is going to be a great success. The only thing that I worry about is that even though I am a volunteer, I have to wear a formal!!! The last time I wore one was for the Police Ball a year ago....maybe I should tell Darrell it is time for me to go shopping.

I have not sent chills up your spine lately, but now I am going to. I had some friends stay over the other night and they have small children. I was having a "tea party" with the girls in our front formal sitting room which is where we have Garrett's curio set up. It has all of the things people have signed and sent to him during his treatment days, hopefully to give him a lift up while he was under treatment. These children never met Garrett, never knew what we had gone through and actually did not know he even existed. One little girl all of the sudden was pointing to the curio and said, "There is a spirit there." I was of course taken aback and called to her mother, "Do you hear what your daughter is saying?" The little girl again said, "There is a spirit there." I asked her if it was a boy or a girl. She told me that it was a boy and he wanted to play "march." She then picked up an American flag that was there and proceeded to hold her hand out to the curio and said, "Let's march." I asked the mother if this child had ever said or did anything like this and she told me no. I felt that Garrett made his presence known and was helping with keeping the girls occupied. If you have been following my journals you will remember what I went through with John Edward and what he had said about Garrett. I believe that Garrett visits us when he feels it is necessary and with these friends visiting us at this time, he wanted to make his presence known. The father of these children was special to Garrett in that he was the father of his first "older friend." Even though they were two years apart they had things in common and were able to talk about them. This was not a school friend, this was a first friend. You know, the first friend that you remember when you think of your childhood. I am so glad that I still have connections to this family so that we can grow together throughout all of the things that may happen to our families. It is nice to have those friendships that no matter what happens you know that you will be friends.

Just wanted to let you know what was going on and I will post new photos for you. I can't remember if I have ever posted a picture of Darrell or myself, but here is one for you that was taken at the Childhood Cancer Fair. I hope that you will visit us often, please sign in when you do, Garrett always got a kick out of how many people were thinking of him and his family.

I appreciate you visiting Garrett's site and don't forget about www.garrettskidstrong.org by the way, we need a web master if there is anyone out there willing to volunteer their time.

Have a great day and if you have kids, remember to hug them and appreciate them even though sometimes it seems that they are the cause of all your problems, they don't mean to be, they are kids and you know that kids will be kids......

Friday, February 1, 2008 10:07 AM CST

As those of you that have been visiting Garrett's site for a while now know today is the third anniversary of his death. It seems like such a long time ago. Waking up this morning, remembering what we were waking up to three years ago seems to come to me in a fog. I think that is good in a way. I am clear on what my son looked like when he was healthy, his smile, his laughter, his constant fighting with his brother. The pain of losing him will always be there, but now I focus on celebrating his life when he was with us. I truly believe that is what he would have wanted and that he is still with us in other ways. I am proud that he touched so many lives and has even moved people to step up and volunteer in our community. This way he is still in our lives and is contributing to our world to make it a better place to live.

I appreciate all of you that visit this site to see how his family is holding up and what we are doing to carry on. Your words of encouragement have kept me going on days that I really did not want to carry on anymore. My neighbors have stood by us all during Garrett's treatment and then having to deal with me after his death. Just this morning there was a knock at the door (before 7:00 am) and Garrett's, Kyle's and Caleigh's friend Max had a plate of cookies for us. I called Dorice to thank her (appropriatly after 9:00 am) and she told me the process of choosing just the right type of cookie to bake for Garrett and I had to laugh (Dorice I am just teasing about the time, you know I am) and I have to thank the Thompson's for my first laugh of today.

Laughing and remembering the good times come alot easier now. If you had asked if I would feel that way ever again a couple of years ago, I would have told you no. (So now you know to never take my advise.) Things change, people change, situations change. I watch Kyle and Caleigh growing up and I still wonder what it would be like to have Garrett with us, but we are working together to be the best family we can.

I believe Garrett is with us in spirit, always. Just this morning a got an email from a man that had taken pictures of the kids on pedicabs at the LiveStrong challenge this year which was way back in October. Why he would chose today to send me copies of those pictures I don't know, but I think Garrett just might have had something to do with it.

Please believe that we are doing okay, we are carrying on. We did go on our ski trip, which I will write about later. Garrett is always in our hearts and just a dream away.

Thank you for visiting.

Saturday, November 24, 2007 5:44 PM CST

Hello Everyone!!

Wow how time flies by when you are busy!! I hope everyone had a safe and happy Thanksgiving. I know I did, but it was a busy one also. We had our first ever Thanksgiving Luncheon for our cancer families. Oh my goodness, I could not believe the tremendous success that it was. We had great volunteers and wonderful donators! The TAVV donated 10 - yes 10 - fried turkeys, Wal-Mart #5317 donated sides, Loving Libbie Foundation donated PB&J's, Helene Lanzilotta donated lasgna and cake, Cynthia Fitchpatrick donated bread, Sandee and Frank Bradshaw donated mashed potatoes and of course Dell Children's Medical Center of Central Texas let us use the auditorium free of charge. We also had some great volunteers - Olivia V. and her crew from Wal-Mart, Sandee, Frank and Meagan Bradshaw, Austin Police Department Lt. Botello and his "crew", Sandy Edwards from Senator John Cornyn's office, Cynthia Fitchpatrick, Brenda Harris and her family, and so many more that really made this work. We fed over 150 cancer kids and their families! We even had a news crew come out and film us. Hopefully this will get out the word that all the kids want to be is "normal" and how we, as KidStrong, can provide as much "normal" life as we can. Then maybe some people will start donating money to our effort.

Anyway, my personal Thanksgiving was low-key. We had the regular ham and fixings. Not that much going on here over the holidays. We are thinking of going skiing again this year after Christmas. This way the pants that we bought the kids will still fit them this year and we won't have to buy new ones. This year we are going after Christmas so that I will not be so rushed to get Christmas stuff done and I really do want to decorate this year.

I am posting some pictures that we took at our haunted house activity and the LiveStrong Challenge. Hope you like them.

Please have a safe Holiday and I will be posting again soon.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 10:21 PM CDT

What a week it has been! We have been getting ready for the 3rd Annual LiveStrong Pedicab Ride which was Garrett's favorite activities. This is actually when Garrett's KidStrong came about. Youth InterActive held the first pedi cab ride and the hospital invited the kids which included Garrett, Kyle and Caleigh. He had so much fun that day and we made sure that we told the director of YI, Baker Harrell, how much we appreciated it. Well, Baker heard me talk of how much Garrett would love to be with his friends and do things with them but could not because of his low white blood count. Baker took us under his wing and we came up with Garrett's KidStrong. Unfortunately Garrett did not live to see this come about - but he knew we were working on it. And here we are at the 3rd Annual Pedi cab ride and it is better than ever! We have listened to the kids and their parents and implemented what they have suggested and are looking forward to having a fantastic time! It really is going to be better this year in that it is centrally located in Austin and the kids and families will not have to leave their homes at 5:00 in the morning to make it on time. No worry though, we have plenty of coffee and hot chocolate for them. (We also have squirt guns for the kids).

I must say that I can go all out with the goodie bags this year because of the benefit that the Tornados and Leathernecks put on for us. Tonight we met with the Tornados and Leathernecks and they handed us a check that was the biggest benefit that they have ever done! I am so proud and glad to have met all of these fine people. If I had a web master it would be plastered all over the GKS website! Hopefully I will find one soon that will do it for free. Even though we had the benefit I would like all of the money to go to the kids and their activities. They said that they will be making a cd of the pics that they took and hopefully I will be able to post a few on here. But again, they really don't know what they have done to jump start KidStrong and I hope that I will be able to show them all the good that they have done and live up to the spirit in which they opened their hearts up to us.

There are so many exciting things coming up - Halloween haunted houses, both in the clinic and playroom (I still have Garrett's that he did and use that as an example) - breakfast fundraiser at Applebee's south location - Thanksgiving lunch for the families sponsored by the TAVV - Parent's Night Out with Starlight Starbright. I don't know if I will have time to carve pumpkins, cook Thanksgiving or do any Christmas shopping!! As I am writing this I am printing out 20 thank you cards to the people that wrote checks at the benefit.

I have also been asked to speak at the Candlelighters Luminaira Ceremony as a parent. I remember when two years ago I was sitting in the seat listening to another parent talk about how they have survived losing a child to cancer - people that I will be talking to that have just lost a child within the last year. I hope to do my best and be inspirational to them.

On a sad note - back when I was working I worked for a court reporter in Dallas. She is a very vivacious lady and sometimes I think quite like myself. Well, her daughter, Nicole, was in a very bad car accident last week. She passed away but donated her organs. I was happy that the family was able to make a decision like that because I feel that they are not only helping that person that is getting that organ, but all the family members of that person. So if you stop to think about it, Nicole could be helping hundreds of people. I know for a fact that one of her organs was already transplanted in a 49 year-old-man, who knows if he had children or grandchildren, but if he did, look how many people Nicole has helped already. So, if you have not signed your donor card on your license, please consider it. I know that if we could have, Darrell and I would have donated anything that Garrett could have given and Garrett would have wanted it that way.

I appreciate all of you for keeping us and all of the other families in your thoughts.

As soon as I get the pics I will post a few. We had a great time and are looking forward to the 2nd Annual Benefit!!

Take care.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007 3:30 PM CDT

Wow!!
As the initial tally comes in it looks like we raised a little over $10,000 at our first benefit ever!!!

I want to send a special thanks out to Tornado's MC and Leathernecks MC, these people did a fantastic job and we had so much fun. (It was terribly hot though, my makeup was dripping off of me within 30 min.). I also want to thank Brenda, Scott, Beth, Kevin, Kylie, Debbie, Sandee, Frank, Megan, Caleigh, Laura and the many others that volunteered to be out in that heat all day to help us out.

The temporary tattoos were a great sucess with the kids and the t shirts sold very, very well.

I think I lost two pounds that day with the heat and running around. Not that I am complaining!

I hope to get some pictures posted soon. As usual, I forgot my camera so I have to rely on people sending me pictures.

With this money we will be doing more activities for the families - looking into taking them to Sea World at no cost to them at all. It is going to be great!

Our next activity is the LiveStrong Challenge Pedi Cab ride. We have done this for three years now. Youth InterActive did it the first year and that is where GKS was born from. It is hard to believe that this will be the second year doing it without Garrett. He loved this activity.

Anyway, a big THANK YOU to everyone that helped out and to everyone that came out. I hope you all had a great time like I did and I am looking forward to the 2nd Annual Garrett's KidStrong benefit!!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 4:05 PM CDT

Hello Everyone,

Well, this weekend will prove to be a big one for Garrett's KidStrong. The Leathernecks Motorcycle Club and the Tornado's Motorcycle Club have joined together to put on a benefit for Garrett's KidStrong! There will be a silent auction, indoor fun run, music, 50/50 raffle, door prizes, kids activities (including me face painting and temporary tattoos also henna tattoos) and great food. So if you are in the area and would like to come out and help kids survive cancer, please do. I would love to meet you and put a tattoo on you. I even came up with KidStrong tattoos (temporary of course). Actually I have become quite good at this and even do personilized ones if you would like to order them. Just email me if you have a son/daughter, niece/nephew, grandkids that are in any type of sports activities or have a special something that they like, I can make some temp. tattoos for them. All of the proceeds go to KidStrong - I spend alot of time picking out the right things and then trimming them up, but do not charge anything for that - everything goes to KidStrong.

Anyway, getting back on track - the benefit will be held Saturday, September 22, 12:00 noon - 6:00 pm. This will be held at Cindy's Gone Hog Wild - 8 miles east of ABIA on Hwy 71. So basically go out to the new airport and pass it and go on 71 towards Bastrop for 8 more miles.

I do have to say this is not a GKS sponsored event so those that have kids that are on treatment please use your discretion when it comes to low WBC. These people have opened their hearts and wallets to put on this event for our kids so if you can make it out there, please do so. There will be beer and drinks available at this event.

Again, if you can make it please do so. I would love to meet you if I have not in the past and if you would like to order temporary tattoos please email me at smilesmom@austin.rr.com.

I hope everyone is having a good first of the school year and thank you for stopping by.

Friday, July 27, 2007 1:59 PM CDT

Well Hello Everyone!

Sorry it has taken me so long to update, been very busy around here. We went to Florida on our vacation to my parent's and sister's house. My little sister is moving back from Germany so we were all able to get together for a family reunion. Last time we were all together like that Garrett was with us. I could not believe how tall and good looking all of my nephews and niece have gotten. Brad (not Bradley anymore) graduated high school and has gotten a full scholarship to college. Shannon turned 16 and got herself a truck. Nat (not Nathan) is growing like a weed and little Shane is not longer little. Kyle and Caleigh are the youngest of all the kids, so they were treated like a prince and princess, spoiled rotten! The only thing that went wrong is that it seemed the rain followed us from Texas. It rained everyday the whole time we were down there, but mostly in the afternoon so that we were able to go to the beach in the morning and then come home and eat and take a nap (the adults took the nap, the kids played).

We came home to Texas, and the rain has followed us back. I think since we have been home, which is about a month now, it has rained every single day. And not like at Florida where it would rain about the same time everyday, this would come at different times so you really could not plan on anything outside. The kids are always asking, "Mom, what can we do" I tell them the first thing is to stop driving me crazy! And of course because of this lack of being able to run, jump, swim out all that energy, they have taken to fighting with each other. It would not be so bad if Kyle was not twice as big as Caleigh. And I am not kidding, Caleigh weighs at the most 50 pounds, Kyle weighs 102. I am sure my sisters and I fought, but all the time is getting a little old. Thank goodness football starts next week, hopefully even if it is raining they will practice! School this year is starting two weeks later than last year, which means two more weeks of this fighting unless it stops raining!

So much has been going on with Garrett's KidStrong since I have been home from vacation. We have met with two motorcycle groups here in Austin, the Leather Necks and the Tornadoes. This is a great group of people that have opened up their hearts to our families and have decided to have a fund raising event for them on the 22nd of Sept. Which is quite appropriate since Sept. is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Not only are these people putting this on for KidStrong, but they have opened many doors to other oppurtunities with other organizations such as the Texas Veteran's. The VA has decided to sponsor a Thanksgiving dinner for our families down at the new Children's Hopsital. So now we are in the process of planning that also. I can't wait, I think it will be a great event for alot of the families that have not met each other yet to get to know one another.

What else has been going on... Oh, yeah. We sold our rent house. It was on the market for half a day and we got three bids on it. Hopefully everything will go smoothly and we will be closing on the 15th of August.

And finally, our tv broke on us. The one that we got only a year and a half ago made a big popping sound and the picture went out. Luckily I had convinced Darrell to get the extended warranty on it.

Well, now that I write everything down here, it does not seem that I have done that much to have the excuse of not updating sooner, but believe me, it has been hectic. Like now, I need to take a shower and go to WalMart for the 4th time this week! We are going out later on tonight, it is Parent's Night Out with Candlelighters. I don't know if I have enough energy to get ready to go!

I hope all of you have had a great summer. Thanks for stopping by and reading about us. Take care.

Friday, June 15, 2007 6:38 PM CDT

Hello All,

Well tomorrow would have been Garrett's 12th birthday. It is hard to think about what he would have looked like. I see him in Kyle and Caleigh, but that was when he was younger. Kyle will be turning 10 later on this month and I can only imagine Garrett being about 2 inches taller and with blonde hair. Caleigh looks so much like Garrett, she even has the same freckles that he had.

We had an activity at the new clinic today. Alot of kids got to make Father's Day gifts through Garrett's KidStrong. It was one of mine and Garrett's favorite things to do. We made hand printed plates and the kids got to decorate them in any way they wanted to. I love this activity because you can look back at these plates and see how much your child has grown not only in size but in imagination also. I hope that everyone had fun. Children's Hospital came through with pizza for everyone and Brenda, as always, made perfect cupcakes for everyone to frost and decorate. Believe it or not it is not that hard for me to be around these families. I know what they are going through. I know the unanswered questions. I also know that life goes on if you do lose the battle with cancer.

I had the privilage to spend the day with one of Garrett's best friends, Jacob. Jacob was diagnosed with rhabdo just when Garrett was getting through with his chemo treatments the first time around. They just clicked. It makes me proud that Jacob is a survivor of this monster of cancer. He is doing well in school and growing so much. I would know that if Garrett had survived, that they still would be best friends. What I was must surprised about was that after the activity today, Jacob said that he wanted to visit Garrett's grave. When we went there he sat there in thought and as we were leaving he said to me that he thought that Garrett was around him. I don't doubt that. I think Garrett is with us every day and is watching over us somehow, some way and helping us along.

Debie Miller, a woman that has captured my heart with her concern for Garrett and all the kids that have to go through this surprised me today with a collage of Garrett's pictures that she had put together. I remember each and every one of them, when they were took, the reason they were took. I really had to check myself from crying. It meant a lot to me to see that someone put forth the effort to remember my son and to be able to pick out some of the times that meant so much to us, even though she did not know the time or story behind those pictures. I believe someone was guiding her to pick certain pictures. She had no idea that one of the pictures that she picked was one with Garrett and I. That picture was taken on the last day of treatment course for the first round of treatment. What we thought would be his last chemo treatment and it was such a good day. Thinking that this would be it, it is over, no more chemo and he would go into remission. He was so happy that day. Someone was guiding her to pick that picture and I think I know who it was.

We lost two other fighters this week. One we knew, Sean Mack. Sean was in the Nike commercial with Garrett and has been fighting cancer along time. We are very sorry to lose such a warrior. Another was Tiffinay. Tiffinay was older than Garrett so I do not remember meeting her or her family, but my prayers and thoughts go out to her family at this time. For these two families I ask that all of you send your good thoughts and prayers, I know what they are going through and I never, ever want to go through that again. Please take a moment to send your energy to these families and know that life does go on.

To Garrett:

Hey Sweet Pea! Happy Birthday tomorrow! I can't believe that you would have been 12 this year. I have tried to imagine what you would look like, taking Kyle's looks and Caleigh's looks and making them older. I have thought so much about what you would be like, what kind of young person you would be. I have come to the conclusion that you would still be the thoughtful young man that you were, but much more knowing. You would have been more caring, being what you had been through and much more in tune with the world. I think that you would have matured beyond your years and would have helped others that were in the same situation as you were. I don't know if you would believe it or not, but others have taken on what you could have done if you had been here. Korey has already become a cancer buddy to someone out of state. I truly think that you are a part of that. I don't know how many lives that you have touched, but if it is at least one family that finds comfort it is worth it. You mean more than the world to me and I live through you. I am your spokesperson delivering what you believed to be the rights of young persons with cancer. I hope that I am doing a good job in your name. I miss you more than you could ever know. I know that I do not visit your gravesite as much as some people do, but Honey, I know that you are not there physically, you are with me always no matter where I am. I see you in my dreams and I am so happy when I do. Sometimes I do not want to wake up from those dreams because I know you are there. Please believe that I am there with you and I know that you are there with me. I love you always.

I remember when we were ready to have you come into this world. I was so nervous the night before because you were induced I knew what day you were coming into this world. I thought to myself that this was the last night that I would have to myself ever since you were coming the next day, but I was more excited about seeing you than anything else. I had everything laid out for you to come home. I had the layette ready for you, diapers, onesies, bottles, blankets and everything else you could think of. Getting up early that morning thinking that the next time I came home, I would be coming home with a baby boy. We already had your name picked out. Of course it was my decision since you were the first baby and I was carrying you. I thought Garrett was such a noble name. "Great hunter" was the definition for your name or "Noble warrior." Who would have thought that noble great warrior would equal to you? I pushed so hard to bring you into this world. Dr. Nunnley even had to bring the forceps out, but thankfully he did not have to use them.

I was scared bringing you home. I will not tell a lie, I was never good with babies and you were not a good baby. You had colic and reflux and you were a chore to keep up with, but when you smiled, that took all the hardships away. You were such a beautiful baby and so full of life that I had to look past all of the hardships and just enjoy you. I looked so past the hardships that we had Kyle and Caleigh afterwards! It is a good thing that I loved you so much or Kyle and Caleigh would not be here today!

Garrett I think about you every day. I do not dwell on your death, but more that I dwell on what could have been your life. I look at your brother and sister and see so much of you in them. I wish you could be here to be as proud as I am in their accomplishments. I know that you would be a proud big brother. Your brother made straight A's this last nine weeks and carried an "A" average for the whole year. I know that you would have been proud of him for doing so. Your father misses you very much, especially when he reads to Kyle and Caleigh, he wishes you were there listening also. You know how your dad is about studying, he wants you to do as much as possible.

I, myself, miss your company. I miss you sleeping with me in our big bed. I miss holding your hand, just being there with me. I miss you reading me bad jokes and asking if I got them. I miss you. I miss you. I love you.

More than anything, I wish you were here for your 12th birthday.

I love you Garrett, more than you will ever know.

Thursday, May 31, 2007 9:19 PM CDT

Hello All,

Well, I went to the neurosurgeon and he told me that at this time I should not mess with anything. He said that I am not far enough out of surgery for my shoulder to expect to have surgery on my back. So in other words I have to live with the pain and see what happens in the next couple of months. I don't know if the doctors know how much pain you are actually going through, they cannot see it on an MRI or CT, so how do they measure the pain? I know that they see alot of people every week and every person has their own pain level. How do they know that my pain level rated 8 is not someone elses' level of 10+? They have not asked my past history of what I have been able to block out when it comes to pain. There are several different levels of pain. There is physical (sp), there is mental and there is the heart pain. When I say heart pain, it is the pain of wanting someone so bad that it hurts. And would you believe as I am typing this, one of my plants just went from being 18" tall to dropping down. I don't know why, but it did. My pain as it is now is not wanting someone, it is physically hurting. I don't know what I can do, but I will be meeting with the ortho surgeon on Monday. Hopefully he can give me something to be able to travel to Florida to see my nephew the first time since before Garrett was diagnosed. Brad has not seen us since then and he has gradutued high school and rec'd a full scholarship to college. I am so proud of him. From what I understand, this young man that I used to change his diapers has grown to be 6 foot 2 inches!! I am so happy for him and his family.

If you all can, make it out to the Celebration of Life at the Quarries at Braker and 360 on June 3rd, Garrett's KidStrong will be there with the remote controlled boats. I may not be able to help out too much, but I will be there.

Everyone take care and thank you for stopping by. My arm hurts now so I will be going.

Thank you.

Thursday, May 24, 2007 8:47 PM CDT

Hello Everyone!

Well, my surgery does not seem to be doing to well. My joints are fine, but according to an MRI that I had the other night, there seems to be a complication. As if there is not enough complicated in our lives! There are areas of concern in my cervical vertabrea which are perfuse, assuming medical jargin, that means that I have herniated disks from the surgery. But get this, it is not just one or two, but several. Until I get to a neurosurgeon I can assume that I have a broken neck with at least three disks involved. What else can happen to our family?

By the grace of God we were not hit by lightning a month ago, but our neighbors were. My computer was burned out, that is why I could not update sooner and as of right now I am on wireless, which I never had before, but I had to buy a new computer because the storm took out my motherboard. As I am writing now, we have another storm that seems to be messing up everything. So I better get off line before something else happens.

We are here, we may not be as healthy as we want, but we are here. I will update as soon as I can.

Thank you for stopping by.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007 8:35 AM CDT

Hello All!

I am so sorry that it has taken me this long to update. I have had problems with my right shoulder and had to go through physical therapy (which did not work) for three weeks, three times a week. Then of course having to wait to go see a specialist took some time and at first they sent me to a doctor that did not do orthroscopic surgery, so I had to find another one that did. But finally I found one and had the surgery a couple of weeks ago. When they did the surgery they had told Darrell that it would be about 45 minutes. Well, after two hours of waiting and starting to worry, they finally came out and told Darrell that I was okay and was in recovery. Apparently when they opened up my shoulder they found out that there was more work to be done than originally planned. I just now can lift my arm enough to type on the computer for a little while so this update will be short.

Kyle is doing well in football. They finally won two games. We have one more game to go. He is playing several different positions and learning more about the game. He is happy to be able to carry the ball and even scored his first touchdown the other weekend! I think for this summer I am going to put him in a conditioning class that is run down the street since I will not be able to through a football (or any kind of ball) with him for at least 9 months.

Caleigh's birthday is coming up soon. I can't believe she is going to be 8 years old! She is just so petite. There is a little girl down the street that is a first grader that is taller than Caleigh! She wants to have her party at Austin Parks and Pizza which is kind of an all you can eat pizza and amusement place here in Austin. I said fine but she can only have 4 little friends with her since it costs so much. Now we have to get the date down. Her actual birthday is the 6th of May but she is thinking she will do it after school on the 4th. She keeps changing her mind. Oh, well, what can you do?

My mother is up here from Florida helping out after my surgery. I am so glad that she was able to come here. I can't even drive a car, so she has been driving my car. I have to tell you, I am so tense with her driving that I need to take a chill pill when we get home! Just kidding. (about the pill, not my Mom's driving).

I have to look on my past journals to see what was important yesterday while Garrett was still here. For some reason I had this feeling yesterday that it was an important milestone so after I finish this I am going to take a look to see if there was a journal entry on April 23rd while he was still with us.

My arm is starting to hurt so I need to go. Thank you for stopping by and I hope everyone is doing well.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007 8:22 AM CST

Two years ago today I saw my son alive for the last time. It seems so long ago, but yet just like yesterday. Two years ago today I kissed his cheek and told him that I loved him for the last time. It seems so long ago, but yet just like yesterday. Two years ago today I saw my son smile and chuckle at a joke that I told him. It seems so long ago, but yet just like yesterday.

There are so many thoughts that go through your head, what ifs, why him, why us, why me. If I had known that Garrett would not survive that one last sunrise, I would have taken him out to see it one more time. If I had known that this was his last day on Earth I would have stayed with him for every minute of it. I would have held him close to my heart and told him how much he meant to us. But we don't know these things so there is no reason to beat ourselves up about it. In life there is always death, it is just harder when it is a child. When people hear that my son died at the age of 9, they say that they are sorry and could not imagine going through that. I never imagined that I would, but I am. Even though it has been two years since I last saw my son alive the pain never goes away. I still usually wake up and my first thought is about him and my last thought is about him when I go to sleep. I do not dwell on his death as much as I used to. I do not feel angry anymore, just empty sometimes.

Do you remember that I was looking all over the house for Garrett's glasses that he really never wore? I tore this house up looking for them. I know that I searched his room completely and never did find them. Well, one reason that I know that I am getting better is that I have started organizing things again. I started cleaning out the kitchen cabinets and throughing all the old stuff away and putting the medicine cabinet in order. While I was doing this I was thinking to myself, "Wouldn't it be great if I finally found those lost crystal angels that Christine had made for Garrett's Chemo Angels?" I had packed all of Garrett's left over medicine in a ziploc bag and had taken it up to his room. I thought I heard someone come up the drive so I looked out of his window, as I turned from his window I was facing his desk and low and behold on the top self of his desk were his glasses! I cried when I saw them. I remember frantically looking for them and here they were, just sitting there. I knew that there was no way that they were there when I had been looking for them so I called Darrell to ask if he had found them. He said that he had found them under the toy box. Now I know I moved that toy box several times looking for stuff and never saw the glasses before. My mother was even with me in his room at one time when I had moved the box, looked under it and did not find anything but little toys. How did they get there? I was also kind of jealous that Darrell found them. Isn't that just stupid. I know that he is missing Garrett just as much as I am.

Garrett died on February 1, 2005 at 12:08 am. I last saw him two years ago today with my mom and friend Dee. Darrell was there also, but had been staying with him at the hospital 24 hours a day. I was to stay with Garrett that night, but Darrell said that he would stay one more night. Early in the day I had talked to Dr. Wells about getting hopsice to bring Garrett home. He was not having seizures anymore and we wanted to make him comfortable. We had already made the decision that there was to be no heroic measures taken if he stopped breathing. I just did not know that would happen that night. I feel guilty for not being there when he died. I should have been. But then again I might have told them to try to do something for him and he would have suffered more. Darrell has never told me what went on that night, I don't know if he ever will. I don't know if I want to know.

I miss my Garrett. He is still the love of my life and I still cry when I hear certain songs. But life does go on and now I am an extension of him. He lives through me, Darrell, Kyle and Caleigh. I look at any accomplishment that we have, it is Garrett's accomplishment also. It is what we have endored with him that we are able to carry on and be strong. Anytime that we help someone else it is with the compassion, patience and understanding that we lived through with Garrett. I still don't wear a watch, I don't worry about time anymore. I save my worry moments for the kids, they are the one thing is this world that I need to worry about. Anything else is minor.

You need to understand that even though Garrett is not with us, we have to continue to live our lives as normal as we can. We do that for Kyle and Caleigh. We do that for ourselves. If we did not do this, we would go crazy. I have met other people that have lost a child and everything went to pot afterwards. Even in my own family that has happened. I don't think Garrett would want our family to go to pot. He loved his family very much and wanted to be sure that we would stick together no matter what. That is what we are doing. We are living.

To Garrett, I miss you so very much honey. Would you believe one of the hardest things for me to do is to pick out flowers for your gravesite? They have to be perfect and I fret so much that you will not like what I have created for you. But knowing you, you would say, "They are beautiful Mom." You know my prayers to you, I know that you hear them. Just know that you are in my heart and on my mind. You will never be forgotten and you are loved and remembered by many. There are been several kids that have written about you for their essays, they look up to you. You were and are a very special boy. I just wish I could hug you and kiss you again. Until that day that I see you again Sweet Pea, please look out over us. Love, Mom

Sunday, December 24, 2006 8:27 AM CST

Merry Christmas Everyone!

I hope everyone is having a safe and happy holiday season. Darrell decided that he wanted to create happier times for this time of year. It is hard on him not having Garrett around during Christmastime, this was our family time together and right now it seems smaller than ever. So Darrell decided that we should all go skiing! Well I started looking on the internet for a place to go and I found this wonderful summer and ski lodge called Sipapu in New Mexico. They had family specials and Kyle could ski for free since he is a fourth grader, all you had to do was fill out a survey and bring a copy of his report card to prove he was in fourth grade. I thought that was great and they had other family packages for ski lessons. Also, it was the closest one to us so we would only have to drive 13 hours. As it turned out it was the best decision I made considering during that time the blizzard hit Colorado and people were stuck for three days in the airport and if we had gone there we would probably still be there waiting for a plane out!

Of course the kids have never been skiing before so I had to go buy them clothes for it, I also had to buy clothes for Darrell and myself because face it, we don't have snow here and we don't really need those kind of clothes. I spent a week finding everything we needed and making sure it fit on the kids and Darrell. I finally got everything together and the kids were very excited about going. I have a confession to make, I hate snow, I hate cold weather, but the kids and Darrell were so looking forward to this that I put that aside and thought to myself, "I want to see the kids having a great time and smiling and laughing."

So off to Sipapu we went on the 16th, early, early in the morning (3:00 am to be exact). Darrell had worked the night before and did not get home until 1:00 am so I got the first shift driving, which was okay by me because I have driven that route up towards Dallas many a time to see my friend Dee. The kids were okay during the trip, just a couple of fights that were thwarted immediately when told that fighting would reduce their Christmas money by $50 each time they fought. (They had both started out with $1,000 at the end of October and Kyle is now at $475 and Caleigh is at $450. I believe I will use that system again next year!)

I have never seen a tumbleweed in my life, but past Amarillo on I40 there is a section of several miles that there is nothing but tumbleweeds. I was driving and the wind had picked up and these tumbleweeds were all over the road! You could not dodge them, you just ran over them and they exploded! I was worried that they might do something to my tires, so I was straining to hear if we were getting a flat tire, which would have been terrible since we would have had to unpack half of the car just to get to the jack, but we were okay and we crossed over into New Mexico.

I was the first to spot snow, 10 points for Mom! As we started to climb higher the temperature dropped 5-10 degrees. Sipapu is located at the Carson National Forest and there is not even a Walmart within 30 miles of it. We pulled up and thought what have we done. It is not a fancy place, it is cute and small with the hotel rooms seperate from the lodge. One of the reasons I picked Sipapu is that they are family owned and operated and they certainly lived up to that during our stay there. At the time of our arrival they had 3" of snow the day before, but no new snow before or since then. They did have snow makers going on the ski trails so that would be okay. The kids were excited to see just that amount of snow on the ground. The hotel rooms were regular rooms, nothing fancy but clean. Oh, there is also no tv or phone in the rooms. That's right, in a hotel room with two kids and no tv. There is also no cell phone service there. I brought along my computer which I found out plays DVDs and some board games, but I was thinking that the kids would be so exhausted at night that they would not need any of these. (Of course I was wrong.)

Our first morning found us awake at 5:30 in the morning (you would think it was Christmas morning the kids were so excited.) The lodge does not open up until 7:30 so we kept the kids inside watching a movie until a decent time that they could go out and play in the snow. We all signed up for beginner lessons (Darrell has skied before, but thought he could use a refresher course.) We all did very well until it came time to go up the lift. Caleigh is so small that the lift kept pulling her off the ground and she would end up falling off. (The lift is one of those that you put a pole in between your legs and it pulls you up, they called it a pommel lift.) She got scared and frustrated and did not want to go up, so she and I stayed on the bunny slope while Darrell and Kyle went on up.

By the end of the first day Kyle was flying down the slope! So much that I had to tell him to try to slow down, but of course he did not! He even broke one of his skis on a particularly hard and fast fall, which thank goodness I did not see, and had to replace his skis.

Monday brought us some snow flurries for which the kids were excited about. Caleigh and I took another class, hoping to get her up that lift. Darrell and Kyle continued down the slopes at break neck speed. Caleigh finally made it up the lift and went down the slope with the help of our instructor, Marc. We met one of the restraunt workers, Mel, and she is an angel! She told us about an old ski trail that was about 2 miles down the road which we could go sleding on. She brought her sleds to work with her and let us borrow them in the afternoon. We took the kids there and they had a blast! Caleigh was going so fast that she ended up in the parking lot at the base of the hill, which thankfully was covered in snow. I was worried that she might go father, there was a river on the other side of that parking lot! Of course snow ball fights insued, to say that I won was an understatement but I paid the price, my shoulder is still hurting!

Tuesday brought us snow and more snow. It was snowing so hard that Caleigh had a hard time skiing at all through the fluffy stuff and gave up about mid morning. Kyle and Darrell were still going and in the afternoon decided to go up to the top of the mountain on the chair lift. Not to say that Kyle did not have his spills, but Darrell said he did a wonderful job. What is so great about this place is that when you do get down the trails, there is no waiting for the lift. You basically come down, circle over and get right back on the lift to go back up. Kyle even started going without Darrell. He must have done it at least 20 times in one hour. Then Kyle finally figured out how to turn on the skis to slow himself down. Before he was just coming straight down the slope only slowing down when he fell! We went sleding again that afternoon and actually watched the snow storm come in over the mountain tops. If you have ever seen the movie The Fog that is exactly how it looked. The clouds creeping over the top of the mountain and then slowly coming down the side. It was kind of creepy to say the least. Then the big snow flakes started. It was almost as if someone had opened up the biggest down pillow in the world and was shaking the feathers down on us.

I started to get worried about the weather because we were going to be leaving the next day. Well, as it turns out we got 17" of snow that evening and during the night. When we woke up it was still snowing very hard and I knew there was no way we would be able to leave. Thank goodness our room was still available and we were able to stay another night. Darrell and Kyle once again went skiing and Caleigh and I built a giant snowman. It was as tall as Caleigh, but when Caleigh went to put a nose on "Darrell the snowman" she decapitated him. Oh well. At times it was snowing so hard that I could not get my camera to focus. But at least the kids were having the time of their lives.

We met some wonderful people while we were there. Half the people that we met were from Texas and half of those people were from the Austin/Round Rock area! One family we met has two boys that are going to be playing in NYS football, the same as Kyle, so they may even end up on the same team! Another family we met lives in Dallas and their son, Chester, is a wonderful young magician. He has promised to come down and perform for the kids in the hospital anytime that we need him to.

On Thursday the snow finally stopped and we were able to dig our car out and leave. It was fun being there, but we were looking forward to coming home. Caleigh finally caught up on her sleep on the way home, she slept most of the way. Kyle rode shot gun most of the way while Darrell and I took turns sitting in back with Caleigh and trying to get a little sleep in between turns driving. We finally got home 2:00 Friday morning and was Oddie glad to see us! At first he did not realize who we were, I guess he thought we were Max coming to check on him, but when he did finally realize who it was there was no stopping him. He was a happy little puppy!

So now we are back, happy to be so. Darrell finally did his Christmas shopping yesterday, yes, on December 23rd Darrell went out to do his first shopping! We had our fill of snow, or so we thought. They are calling for snow flurries here Christmas Eve!!! There won't be any accumulation of course, but snow flurries in Central Texas on Christmas Eve! I wish Garrett was here to see this. I could only imagine what it would have been like to have him up there skiing with Kyle and Darrell. I know there would have been races down the slope to see who would get there first and in one piece.

In a way I think we are lucky. We have young children here with us that help us make happy memories and will continue to make us happy and proud as the years go on. I also can say that Garrett made me so proud of what he had accomplished in his short time that he was here. I will always have that to look back upon and I look forward to what Kyle and Caleigh will do in the future. Caleigh is still very proud of her brother Garrett. When we would introduce ourselves this past week to people, she would always include Garrett. I guess he is still with us in one way or the other and always will be, that is the way it should be.

So with that I wish all of you and your families a Safe and Happy Holiday Season. Please remember not to drink and drive, that is at least one way we can make sure families have a wonderful Christmas. I hope and pray that the New Year will bring continued good health and happiness to you and yours. I will post some of the pictures we took in our winter wonderland and hope you enjoy them!

As always, hug your kids if you have them, they are treasures as I am sure you already know!

- Colleen

Wednesday, November 8, 2006 7:35 AM CST

Hello Everyone!

Sorry that it has taken me so long to update, but I have been quite the busy bee. A couple of weekends ago I was asked to participate in the opening of the LiveStrong Summit that was held here in Austin. I was on stage with seven other cancer survivors in front of 700 invited guests to the summit. I do not have a problem talking to a big crowd, there were over 400 people at Garrett's funeral, but then I found out that Lance Armstrong was going to be on stage with us. I got nervous then! It was a wonderful experience, very uplifting. We were all on stage but the stage was dark. A spotlight would come on and you would say your line then move on to the next person. My first line was, "I'm Colleen. A year and a half ago my nine-year-old son, Garrett, died of rhabdomyosarcoma." You could hear the people react to that from where I was on stage. My next line was to let people know what I have done to improve my life as a survivor and what I have done to help others survive, "My husband and I starting helping families whose children have cancer." My next line was the reason that I was here at the summit, "I'm here to learn what we can do together." Of course all during this the other people were saying their lines of what kind of cancer they had and what they were doing to continue to survive. After everyone had said their lines and the lights where all lit on stage, Lance came out and got in the middle stage and said, "I'm Lance. I am a 10 year cancer survivor." We all then joined hands and raised them over our heads. The audience started cheering and clapping and then they came to their feet. I could not believe that we got a standing ovation!

What was even more amazing to me was that after the program was over for the night after some very inspirational speakers, there were people waiting in line to talk to me. I met a woman that when she came up to me she said, "I know you." She told me that her daughter had rhabdo and that she has read this very caringbridge page and was very thankful that I would write on here to let everyone know how things were going with Garrett without sugar coating it. She said she had her mother read it also so that they would know what to expect if her daughter was taking the same drugs. Her daughter is now in remission and is doing fine. She showed me a picture of her and she is beautiful. They are from South Carolina. The director, Jeffrey and the producer, Ray, both came up to me and said that the way that I had said my lines really brought people in, they said some people even started crying. Ray has a nine-year-old daughter and he said that he called her to let her know just how much he loved her after he heard me speak of Garrett. I took a picture of Garrett with me, the one that is on the top of this page, just to let people know how beautiful he was and how much life he had in him even though he had cancer. I hope that I represented all those that have lost a loved one to cancer well. We are still here, and we are still surviving.

Then the next weekend Darrell and I went to the Police Ball. The very first one I have ever been to. This is the first time I have worn a floor-length dress since my wedding! We had a great time but were not able to dance due to Darrell's ankle problem. I will try to post a picture that David took of us.

Speaking of Darrell's ankle, he is having surgery next Monday to correct his problem. He has bone spurs building up in the socket and they are going in and shaving them down. I had something similar done to both of my shoulders years ago and have not had problems since then, so hopefully Darrell will bounce back like I did. He has trouble just walking around the house right now and that is not good for a police officer that has to jump out and run after criminals. I also need a running buddy because Kyle runs faster than I do and I need someone that will keep pace with me!

Nothing much has been going on with KidStrong. We did an in clinic activity that was one of Garrett's favorites, decorating haunted houses.

Oh, I forgot to tell you something about the summit. They provided us with LiveStrong shirts to wear and those that did not have the LiveStrong wrist bands, they were giving those to us to wear. Well most of you know that my wrist band was buried with Garrett and I have not worn one since. I told this to the production assistant and she had no problem with me not wearing one. That night I went up to Garrett's room just to think and get strength from him. I was sitting there hugging his favorite huge teddy bear and happened to look to his desk. There on the desk was a LiveStrong wrist band, still wrapped up in its wrapper. Now, I have been in Garrett's room hundreds of times after he has died, cleaning, putting things away or just going up there to feel near to him. I have never seen a wrist band on his desk. Even so, if there was a wrist band there it would have been a youth size. This was an adult size. I knew right then that I would wear that wrist band for him.

Just got chills down your spine, didn't you? Strange things happen, but they happen for a reason.

Hope you had a safe Halloween and look forward to hearing from you all. This Thanksgiving is going to be a small one and I will be cooking my second turkey. Hope everyone will have a good Thanksgiving and count your blessings, every one of them.

Thursday, October 12, 2006 8:05 PM CDT

Hello All!

We had our LiveStrong Challenge this weekend and it was great. I was hoping to have pics of the kids with Lance on here but the photos are not available as of yet. I will post what I have, which includes Ella with Lance. I think all the kids got so much out of this. I had one child say, "I will never wash this hand again." You will never know how much it means to me to hear a child that has met their hero and say such things. I don't know if these celebrities know how much it means to these kids to be able to meet them and just shake hands with them. I have mixed emotions about this. I know what these families and kids are going through, do these people that they are meeting and look up to really know what they are going through? I love that Lance took the time to be with our kids, it meant so much to them, but it was only a few minutes out of his day. Does this man realize what he means to these kids? Garrett looked up to him so much while he was here. He found out that his cancer had come back the same day that Lance was having his homecoming parade in Austin and all that Garrett could think about was getting downtown so that he could see Lance. He waited over 1 1/2 hours on the side lines so he could see Lance for maybe 30 seconds, after he had been told his cancer was back. The whole time he was waiting for Lance, I was wondering how I was going to tell his father that we have another battle to fight. It just makes me wonder if these people realize how much these kids look up to them.

Anyway, the LiveStrong Challenge was a great success. I would have hoped for more kids to show up, but that is the nature of the beast, if you don't feel well, you don't show up.

All of the volunteer bike riders were there, the pedi cabs supplied by Capitol Pedi Cabs, food supplied by Children's Hospital of Austin. It was great. The kids decorated the pedi cabs, got to meet Lance and had a terrific meal afterwards. We also had activities for the kids to do, helping hands and visors that were donated by LAF to decorate.

All in all it was a terrific day. I just wish Garrett could have been there to experience it. I rode in a pedi cab that was meant for Garrett, we had a poster on the back that said "In loving memory of Garrett Burnham, age 9." And it had his picture on it. I don't know if people that we passed realized that I was his mother or not. I just wished that people knew what I was doing in his memory. Sometimes it is very hard for me to do these things that I do, but I know that Garrett would have wanted them this way if he was here, so I do them. And if I can improve on them in any way, it is because I know that Garrett would have liked it better that way.

It is not easy being a mother that has lost a child to cancer, especially as someone that was like Garrett. He wanted so much out of life and I could not give it to him. That is why I do what I do. I could not give it to Garrett because he left us, but maybe I can give to some other child that really needs it. Whatever it may be, meeting Lance or just being there when you need them. I'm not saying that Garrett was perfect through his ordeal, I would not expect anyone to be, but Garrett showed me that there is so much more than what we will ever know out there. He showed me compasion, patience and tolerance even through all the frustration and confusion of being a child with cancer.

I want to thank everyone that was involved this past weekend at the LiveStrong Challenge. LAF, Capital Pedi Cabs, Children's Hospital of Austin, all of the volunteers that pulled the pedi cabs, Common Grounds Coffee and mostly the kids and families of our cancer groups that came out early in the morning to do this. Next year will be bigger and better until we find a cure for childhood cancer.

Monday, September 18, 2006 8:37 AM CDT

Hello All!

Well, my Mom and Dad made it safely here, stayed a few days, then left for Germany to visit my sister Cathleen and her family. They left Luc with me. Luc is a standard poodle that stands up to my mid thigh, so he is pretty big. He is a beautiful dog, just has too much energy when it comes to greeting you in the morning. He knocks Caleigh down, poor Caleigh. It has been raining here in Texas (yeah!!) but now that I have this huge dog with huge paws at my house, there is mud all over the place! At least with Oddie (my mini schnauzer) I can wipe his paws off real fast before he gets in the door, but Luc just barrels his way in before I can stop him. I don't think I've swept the floor so many times in one day. But the kids love him and Oddie gets along very well with him and they play like puppies. I got Oddie (pronounced like the Garfield dog, but spelled by the kids) the week before Christmas because Garrett had come up to me on a Sunday morning and said, "Mom, I don't care what kind of pet we get, but I really want a pet." So Oddie came into our lives. Two weeks later, Garrett was already in the hospital, Mom went someplace here in Texas and got Luc, so they were puppies together for a while.

Kyle won his first football game this weekend!!! They won 20-0. He was so happy. I did not get to see his game because I had to take Caleigh to her game that was being played at the same time all across town. I wish I had been there to see his first win. Darrell said he did very well, sacking the quaterback a couple of times and collapsing the offensive line so that they had to run the ball to the outside. I can't help but to think how proud Garrett would be of his little brother. I don't know if Garrett would have selected football as his sport, I think he would have been more of a baseball guy. It's really hard to say because he started getting sick right at the age that you start signing them up for these things. I do know that there would have been a lot of competition between Kyle and Garrett, who knows, they might have been on the same team and then the people would have said, "Look at those Burnham brothers, what a team!"

I had a rough day the other day. I was thinking about Garrett and what he would be doing today had he survived. I look at Kyle and Caleigh and how beautiful they are and I see Garrett in both of them. Kyle and Garrett had the same freckles. Caleigh and Garrett the same blue eyes with a yellow sunflower around the pupil. (Kyle has white around the pupil and then the brightest blue you have ever seen). For a while I thought that Caleigh looks more like Garrett, but since Kyle has lost his weight, he looks more like Garrett, but with dark hair. But seeing them grow up, I keep wondering what Garrett would be like, and then of course I start missing him so much. I started crying and then I got this feeling that was like a sudden gust of cold wind (I mean freezing wind) that started in the pit of my stomach and came out through my chest. I knew it was Garrett telling me that he is with me and is watching over us. It is hard to try to put into words that feeling that I had. I don't know if you believe in love at first sight, but it is kind of like that feeling when you see someone and they just take your breath away and you know that you want to be with that person. I got that feeling when I met Darrell. It was New Year's Eve 1988 (yep that long ago). I was new to the Austin area and went to a radio station's hosted New Year's Eve party by myself. I met him at that party and we talked and drank. When 12:00 came around he gave me the traditional New Year's kiss and when he was kissing me I thought to myself, "This is the man I am going to marry." I had that feeling in my stomach that just reached up to my heart. So I know for a fact that Garrett is reaching to me through his love and telling me that he is okay and that I should not worry. I don't really worry about him anymore, I just miss him so much.

We are going to be having our big event for Garrett's KidStrong families on the 24th. There will be lots of activities for the kids to do and BBQ. Brenda Harris (Corey's mom) has been doing most of the planning and I have just been a solider on this one. We are also doing a clinic activity this Wed. at the hospital. I just wished we had gotten that LAF grant. With that money we could be doing so much more for these most deserving kids and their families. If you have ever known an adult that has gone through the cancer experience you know how hard it is for them, now imagine that experience for a child and their parents and siblings. It is 100 times worse. You always worry, even after your child is off treatment. I just don't see how LAF could not see how this program would help those kids and their families be survivors.

Anyway, I have to get going. Darrell is going to the doctors finally about his ankle and I have to go buy some things for our event. I hope that you will have a great week and hopefully I can post some pictures of our event next week so that you can see how much fun a Garrett's KidStrong event is!!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006 3:28 PM CDT

Hello All,

Well, Kyle made weight!!! He is so happy and so am I! He started off at 102 and is down to 90. His doctor said that he could not do it, but he did!! Now he wants either an electric scooter or an Ipod for making his goal. Well, the electric scooter is out because that kind of defeats the purpose for losing the weight and an Ipod would just get lost. I'll see what I can do. By the way, since I had to work out with him (Darrell's ankles are bothering him) I have lost 13 pounds!! I feel so much better about myself and I am actually going shopping tomorrow and I bet I get into those size 8 pants with room to spare!!

Well, I found a dog today. We finally had rain here in Texas, but not just rain, thunderstorms. I guess this dog was spooked by them and bolted from his home. He did not have tags (very important, get tags for your dogs, my dog has been returned to us at least 6 times because of them) and then I took him up to the vet to see if he had a mirco chip, and of course there was none. It is very rare to see a full collie here in Texas because face it, it is just too dang hot for them here, so I know that this is a family pet, probably with kids in the family because when the kids came home from school he was wagging his tail. He has a gentle soul, let me brush him with Oddie's brush (which took forever because Oddie's brush is so small). I called my friend Cathy who used to be our home owner's association president and asked her advice on how to find the dog's owners. She gave me Sharon's number who is the woman that keeps up the web site for our HOA and she had me take a picture of the dog and write up a small description of him and she was going to send out an alert email to all of the HOA members. In less than 30 minutes of this posting I got three calls!!! Two saying that if I did not find the owners right away to let them please take care of the dog until we could find them. One stating that she was the neighbor of the owner's and that the owner's were at work and she would call them! Is this a great neighborhood or what! It reminded me of when this neighborhood rallied behind us with Garrett. We had people offering to do things for us all the time, delivering meals and even helping us decorate our house at Christmas. Anyway, the dog's name is Gideon and he is a retired and adopted rescue dog (I knew he has a good soul). His family was on their way back from Dallas, so I did not get to meet them when they came to get Gideon because I had to take the kids to football and cheer practice, but I still have reminders of Gideon on my back porch - lots and lots of muddy paw prints because it had rained!

Oh, by the way, if there is anyone in the Austin/Round Rock area that knows a DJ that would perform for our event on Sept. 24 (preferrably free as donation to Garrett's KidStrong) please let me know. Or any other entertainers that would like to perform for the kids would be great. This event is to celebrate Garrett's KidStrong first year of operation and for Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.

Thanks for visiting and keeping in touch.

Monday, August 21, 2006 9:14 PM CDT

Hello All,

Well, we got the first week of school under our belt. Caleigh cried, (reminded me of a kindergartener). She said that she was sad, but just could not tell me why. I have a feeling that it was this time last year that she had her picture taken with her brother Garrett and it was one of the last ones that we had together. It is strange how those triggers work with the kids and even me. I remember taking their picture by the tree in our back yard, Caleigh just going off to kindergarten and Kyle going into the second grade, Garrett going into fourth grade. Now Caleigh is in second grade and Kyle is in fourth. I guess this is the second time that I've taken this picture without Garrett in front of that tree. Time seems to go too fast. I think of time now as before Garrett died and after he died and I know that does not seem right. But if you think about it, don't you think about time before you met your spouse or before children then after? Well, my time is spent when Garrett was here and then after he left us. I am sure that will change over the years, as long as I am here. Next it will probably be before grandkids and after grandkids.

We are trying our best to get a family event happening on Sept. 24th that will be our one year mark for Garrett's KidStrong and it is also Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. So if you have something gold to wear or want to get something special that is in the color gold, wear it for the kids that have been diagnosed with cancer. I heard the other day that we had three new diagnosis in just one day in the Central Texas area. That is three families that are going to start a new and challenging journey in their life. I hope that Garrett's KidStrong can help them along their journey.

Now that the kids are back in school I have more time to think about Garrett. Not that I did not think about him everyday while the kids were home for summer, but the house is quite now and I have more time to think. I went into his room today thinking that I need to pick up and organize, but I just could not do it. The dog was with me and he was just sniffing around, like he was looking for something. I think even though he had only a short time with Garrett, he remembers his scent and was wondering why this scent is here and no where else in the house. Sometimes I wish I was a dog so I could smell that scent. I still have Garrett's clothes in his drawers and hanging in his closet, even though Kyle could probably wear these things now, and there are some clothes that still have the tags on them, I just cannot bring myself to give them to Kyle. These were Garrett's and they need to remain that way. I still need to find Garrett's glasses and the crystal angels that I have not been able to locate.

On lighter news, Kyle is one pound away from making weight for football. He has worked so hard and put up with me badgering him about the work outs. He started at 102 and is down to 91 pounds. In the mean time since I have been working out with him I have lost 12 pounds! I feel so much better about myself and have started playing tennis again. (which in Texas at 103 degrees can melt a lot off of you). So if there is anyone in my area that would like to play, let me know I am up for it. I am just so proud of Kyle for sticking with the work out that Baker gave us and losing the weight so that he can make Mitey Mites this year. I think he will be a star for the team. He is both offense and defense tackle and he reports to me each time he pancakes somebody.

Caleigh is in cheerleading. Of course, she will be cheering for a different team that Kyle is playing for, so we have to do the football/cheer samba again this year. I guess this is the problem when you have kids two years apart.

I have applied for a job at the school that the kids go to. Darrell wanted me to get at least a part-time job, but I was thinking what company would want someone that needs the same days/holidays and summer off as the kids other than the school system. I hope that they will consider me. I have done administrative work ever since I got out of school, even though I have been out of the loop for quite a while (say 11 years) I still think I can handle it!!

Well, it is time to get the kids off to bed for school tomorrow. Just thought I would let you know what was going on. I hope that you that do have kids got them off savely and are enjoying the time that they are in school. Hug them and tell them how much they mean to you, they are precious and we never know how long they will be with us or you with them. Tell them that nothing is impossible, just put your mind and body to it and it can be accomplished one way or the other.

Thank you for visiting and please, sign the guestbook, I still mark on the map where everyone has signed in.

Tuesday, August 1, 2006 9:37 AM CDT

Hello All,

Well, school time is almost here. We really did not go anywhere this year, which is fine by me. We did go to Volente Beach yesterday and Kyle and Caleigh could not get enough of the slides. We got there about 2:00 and stayed until they closed at 8:00. I only did one slide and then realized that my back could not take this! I am just getting too old I guess!

We have been busy at KidStrong. Unfortunately we did not get the grant we were going for from LAF. So now we have to find other ways to find money. Brenda is trying to put together a benefit with Drum Cafe, but we have not found a venue that will accomadate us on the date that we want and for free. It is sometimes very frustrating. You tell people what we are doing for the kids and families that have been afflicted with this, they say it is a great program, but we just cannot seem to convince LAF that this is a much needed program. Right now we are spending money out of our own pockets to do these activities. It does not cost much to do one activity at a time. I find things at Garden Ridge, Michaels or Hobby Lobby that are on clearance or sale and get as many as I can so that we can do in clinic and hospital activities while the kids are getting their infusions or check ups or if they are admitted into the hospital because of fever or infection. The kids like to do something different other than playing video games or just laying there watching tv and the parents are glad to have someone to talk to that has been through this and can share some of their experiences with them. I guess now we will need to go for corporate sponsors.

August 13 is coming up fast. That is the day that Dr. Wells called me to tell me that Garrett's cancer was growing again. This was 5 months after they told me he was "cured." I remember that day so clearly. It was the day that Austin was having its' welcome home parade for Lance Armstrong on his 5th tour win. Garrett had gone to Jacob's house that day to play after we had made this huge banner to take with us to the parade. It said something like Round Rock Cancer Buddies Welcomes Home Lance! And at the time our slogan was We're Busy Kicking Cancer's Butt. I was on my way to pick up Garrett and we were all going to be going to the parade. Dr. Wells called me on my cell phone, asked if I was driving, and told me that I might want to pull over. I knew then that it was not good news. I was almost at the Faherty's house (it is only 3 miles from my house) and told him to just tell me. In those three miles my heart just stopped. We had been through so much and Garrett had been doing so well. His hair had grown back and he was acting so much like a normal boy. I had noticed that his mouth had gotten slack again, and he was having trouble closing his right eye, so I knew deep in my heart that the cancer was growing again, I just did not want to believe it. I was crying when I got there, Kyle and Caleigh were upset because they did not know what I was crying about. They jumped out of the car and told Wendy and Shawn that I was crying. Wendy came up to my window, saw that I was on the phone and crying and she knew right away what it was all about. I finished my conversation with Dr. Wells and got out of the car. The only thing going through my mind was, How was I going to tell Garrett?" Garrett came up to me and saw that I had been crying and asked, "Mom, what's wrong?" I could not lie to him, he was the one that would have to make the decision about if he wanted to have more treatment or not. "Your cancer is growing again sweetheart and I am mad and sad about it." Then he said to me, "Mom, don't worry. I beat it before, I can beat it again." My brave boy just looked at it as a part of his life, he was willing to go through all this chemo again.

I then asked if he still wanted to go to the parade. He said that he did. We all went downtown, stood at a barricade for at least an hour just to see Lance Armstrong for a whole 10-12 seconds. I don't even know if he saw our banner. On the way home the kids were saying, "We got to see Lance Armstrong!" Of course Garrett was teasing them because he had actually got to meet Lance earlier that year while filming the Nike commercial that aired all throughout the tour. That was on a Friday night. Friday, August the 13th. The next Monday was the first day of school. The first and the last day of school for Garrett. On Tuesday he was admitted to the hospital to have his port-a-cath and gold weight for his eyelid put back in, never to come out again.

It's funny how some of your worst days of your lives can also be your best. As I look back now at that day I remember thinking during the whole time waiting for Lance to ride down Congress Ave, "How am I going to tell Darrell?" Darrell had been working overtime to block the streets for the parade, he was actually a few blocks down from us. In my mindset of grieving the anticipation of what was to come, I did not notice at that time how happy Garrett was to be able to be there in the midst of all these other people to welcome home his hero. I did not notice the excitement in his eyes, the enjoyment he was having being there with his friends and cheering as people would go by. I see it now, in my mind, and am thankful that I have those good memories of seeing my son smile, laugh, jump, yell and clap. That is all I have now is memories and I cherish them above all. As I look back on that which was one of the worst days of my life, I always remember how that day ended, with Garrett being so happy.

Friday, June 16, 2006 6:37 PM CDT

Happy Birthday Garrett!!

Even though you are not here to celebrate your birth, we that are left behind are thinking of you today.

We had a great time at the oncology clinic and the green unit today. Many other kids got to celebrate your birthday with you. Cynthia (remember her) was so surprised at all the things that you got for the other kids. There was one movie however, that they already had in DVD and it was one of your father's favorites, "The Princess Bride." So we will see if the green unit can use it. I remember when after you saw it, you had gotten your sword out and pretended to be the "good guy."

Geoffrey from Toys R Us came to visit the kids also today. Who would imagine that a 7 foot giraffe would be there to visit kids that are getting treatment, all because of you. A young boy got a $30 gift certificate to spend at the store, and I hope he picks out something that will make him very happy. Brenda (Korey's mom) helped out so much, I could not do this without her, and they had a great time. My knee was bothering me for some reason and I was limping around, but still was able to make the rounds.

Baby, I remember when I first saw you and could not believe that you were finally here. I said to you, "We have been waiting for you a long time." I was so worried about being a mother, but you made me a good one. When the time came around today that you were born 11 years ago, we actually had clouds come in and out. I watched them on the wall while I was crying. I don't know why I was crying. I did not cry when you were born, I was happy (and very thirsty). I am just so glad that you were and still are a part of my life.

At this very moment my cousin Tim is dying. I hope that you will welcome him along with his brother Mike and father Russ. This family has had so many trials, but we carry on. You never met Tim, but he is a good guy and will need to have a guide to show him around. I know that you have been there for me in the past, watching over us, so take care of Tim as he comes to you.

We love you Sweetpea and we miss you very much, but please know that we are trying to bring laughs and smiles to kids that are still here with us in your name.

Ilze told me about a dream that Gisella had, that she saw you, but you were about 20 years old and told her that you have not been far away. I know that you are not that far and I know that what seems like a lifetime to me will only be a blink of an eye for you. So with that being said, Garrett, I love you and miss you and will see you in a blink of an eye.

Happy Birthday!!!

Friday, June 9, 2006 9:23 AM CDT

Hello All!

Well, the Celebration of Life Picnic was great! Garrett's KidStrong even got on the news! With all the organizations that were out there, they picked us to highlight with Korey Kasperk (spelling) and his mom Brenda talking about surving cancer and what KidStrong does for them. I had made a sign to put in front of the boats to let people know that the race boats were provided by Garrett's KidStrong and it was a good thing that I did. We had one of those portable shade things up with our banner on it and the darn thing broke so the only thing with Garrett's KidStrong on it was the sign that I made. I'm glad that I spent the time to do it well!! The gentleman that interviewed Korey asked me to send him information on when we are going to be at the hospital for Garrett's birthday to present all the things that I am going to be donating this year and that they would try to have a news crew there to cover that.

The boats were a hit with the kids (and adults too). I am glad that I bought those extra batteries and boats so that we were able to run them almost the whole time. Dr. Brown would like us to come back next year and then I would only have to buy more batteries so that we can run the whole time. Oh, and get a new shade thing. Man was it hot out there! My face got so red! I put on sunscreen, but I guess I was sweating so much that it came off. I am glad that they picked Brenda to interview because I must have looked terrible!

I am glad that I had this distraction at this time. It is getting close to what would have been Garrett's 11th birthday. June 16th at 6:17 pm. He was 6 lbs 12 oz, the smallest of all my kids (Caleigh was actually the biggest). He was also the hardest to get out! I still wonder why after all that I had to go through to have him, I still had two more after that. We went into the hospital at 5:00 am and induced labor. I actually started pushing about lunch time. After hours of pushing (and my husband leaving and having lunch with Dee) they realized that Garrett was stuck on my tail bone. They tried the little suction thing several times and that did not work. Then Dr. Nunnley brought out the tongs. I looked at those and got scared. Then for some reason I started having a coughing fit. Apparently that did something because Dr. Nunnley said keep coughing and the next thing I knew, Garrett was with us! His poor little head was so elongated and I was worried that it would stay that way! Even when they put that little hat on him, his head looked like the cone heads from that movie. He had a bruise on his forehead and his nose was mashed down. He was still beautiful to me. He had a birthmark on his right ear. I remember the first time that Darrell held him, he looked very uncomfortable and stiff (Darrell did). Then Darrell's mother came in and said how wonderful it was to be a daddy on Father's day (it was the next day). I was just so tired and the first thing I wanted was a coke with some ice! Garrett was a good baby and put up with a new mommy. I am proud to say that I never got squirted while changing a diaper, not like Darrell who tended to get it all the time! The next day we brought him home and settled in to what would be a long first 6 months. Garrett had colic and reflux. If you had met me before I had Garrett, I had no circles under my eyes, now they are there permenately!

Even though we had a rough first 6 months, Garrett was the center of my world. I am lucky enough to have many videos with him growing up, becoming a toddler, becoming a big brother, going to school, playing soccer, running around naked in the back yard and so much more. We had 9 wonderful years together but I am missing him so much around this time. We would be mailing out his invitations today. I am not sure where he would have wanted his birthday this year, probably somewhere where you can play games and drive a go cart. He would have been on the A Honor Role at school and getting ready to go into Middle School. I wonder how tall he would have been. I would think at least a head taller than Kyle, so that would have put him at my shoulder. He would have been looking forward to having his friends over to go swimming and eating corn on the cob. We would have been planning a trip to go to Florida to see his grandparents and cousins and playing on the beach.

Our lives have changed so much since he has left us. Some for the better, some for the worse. For some reason now Kyle will not go into Garrett's room alone. He is scared to, says that he feels that someone is watching him. Caleigh still has bad dreams but cannot tell us what they are about and sometimes crawls into bed with us in the middle of the night. I don't have as many dreams as I used to. I do sometimes all of the sudden get this feeling deep in my chest, like a wind is passing through me, and all of the sudden a picture of Garrett will pop in my mind. So, I think that is Garrett visiting me and letting me know that he is still here with us from time to time.

I have met some amazing people on this journey and hope to meet more. I met a gentleman at the Celebration of Life named Mark and he is a 28 year survivor of rhabdomyosarcoma. He was first diagnosed at 13 and is now 42. One of his tumors was located very near where Garrett's was, but did not involve the nerves or artery like Garrett's. I am going to have him and other long time survivors of childhood cancer talk to our parents and kids soon to let them know that there is life after cancer and hopefully they can lay to rest some of the worries that these parents and kids have. So if you know someone in the Austin/Round Rock area that is an adult that survived childhood cancer, please have them contact me so I can set this up. I think that it will help everyone involved. I will also speak as a parent that has lost a child, but life does go on.

We have so much to do while we are here on this earth. Most people think you live, you pay taxes and then you die. There is much, much more to it than that. I watch the news and see all this violence and war and greed. It just does not make sense to me anymore. You only have one life to live, one chance to make your mark on this world, do you really want to waste it away being petty? Do you really need to honk your horn or give someone the finger because they cut you off? It really does nothing but make that one day go bad. You know how it feels, you sulk and frown and shake your head for a good 5 minutes after someone cuts you off, you may even cuss for a while, but that feeling of being cut off stays with you all day. Because of that you may be short with your kids when you get home. You tell your spouse that you had a bad day because of it. Is it really worth being that way? How many days do you have in your lifetime? Do you really want to waste one of those days feeling like that? If you can, just shake it off, you are better than that person that cut you off. Maybe they are having a bad day, but don't let them pass their bad day off to you. Take a couple of deep breaths and be thankful that you are able to take those deep breaths.

I am trying to understand why I have to live without one of my children. I am still working it out. I am not mad, just sad that he is not here with me. But I am thankful that I am still here, I am able to hug my other children and that I am trying to make life a little easier for kids and their families that have been struck with childhood cancer. I did not want this to happen to my family, but since it has, I am trying to make it a positive part of my life. My life has changed, some for the better, being able to reach out and tell someone our story, being able to cry with another mother when her frustration level is so high she thinks she can no longer do this, and being able to tell her that no matter what, life does go on, some day down the road it will be better. Just follow your heart and live for the day. Make sure you hug your kids at least once a day. No matter how dark it may get, no matter what news that doctors may give you, you will have another day that you will be able to smile and laugh and feel good about. The last time I saw Garrett alive, we laughed together. I told him a joke that was sent from one of his chemo angels. I can at least say that I saw my son smile and I gave him a little laughter before he left us. Even though it hurts that he is not here to celebrate his birthday, I know because of him other children that are affected by childhood cancer will have more games to play with, more smiles to share and we will hear laughter from them. I am okay with that. I like to hear kids laugh and smile, and if Garrett can give them that through me, I am more than happy to provide it.

On June 16th it would have been Garrett's 11th birthday, I would ask you a favor and send him birthday wishes so that he knows we are still thinking of him and that he should be proud of what he has accomplished even though he is not physically here.

Happy Birthday Sweetpea!! We love you and miss you very much. Watch over us and visit us in our dreams.

Monday, May 22, 2006 4:30 PM CDT

Hello All!

We need some help!!! We need volunteers in the Austin/Round Rock area to help us with the Celebration of Life Picnic to be held at the Quarries park on June 4th (National Cancer Survivors Day) between 1 and 5. You will get a free BBQ lunch if you volunteer for only 1 hour. If you can volunteer for more, that would be great!! This event is for all cancer survivors, no matter what age or stage of survivorship. We will be having information booths, rock climbing, face painting, kids indoor playscape, musicians, dancers, remote controlled boat races and more!! Garrett's KidStrong is in charge of the remote controlled boats, so I will be out there all day long supervising that. We will also have a booth with information on Garrett's KidStrong there.

If you can come out, please do. Everyone will be affected by cancer sometime in their life, be it yourself or someone that you know. This is a day of celebrating those that have fought or are fighting this battle and those who have been left behind to continue helping others fight. Come out and help us fight.

Please email me at smilesmom@austin.rr.com if you can help us out. We would really appreciate it.

Thanks,

Colleen

Wednesday, May 17, 2006 10:59 PM CDT

What can I say? Caleigh came to me tonight saying that she could not remember what Garrett looked like. She looks so much like Garrett, but in a female version of him. I told her that we could watch videos and maybe then she could remember him. She started crying and then of course I started crying. I told her that no matter what her older brother was watching over her, like he did for me. Caleigh was so young when Garrett died and I fear that she will have relasped emotions to this as she gets older. I don't know if I can handle going over this again with her because I really don't think that she understood when this all happened. I am having a hard time going through this again, but I guess I need to for her sake. It is hard to look at her and tell her that everything will be okay, especially since we had to go through what we did with Kyle. It is hard to tell her that we will be here with her, but we don't know what will happen with me or Darrell. It is such a hard lesson to learn so early in life, that nothing is certain. Caleigh was 5 years old when Garrett died, something that at that age they do not comprehend in their little minds, that their brother will no longer be there for them. People telll her how much she looks like her brother and she thinks that she looks like Kyle, but she looks like Garrett. It pains me to tell her that she looks like Garrett because she associates Garrett with sadness and death. I told her tongight that Yes she did look alot like Garrett, but she was more beautiful and she was a girl and she was healthy. I told her that what happened to Garrett would not happen to her. I pray that it will not.

My God, I miss Garrett so much. Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps me here on earth is that I have Kyle and Caleigh. Thank goodness for what we have.

Friday, May 12, 2006 6:16 PM CDT

Hello All!

Today was a great day. Garrett's school, Forest Creek Elementary, had a Memorial Garden Dedication today. There were two students that now have stepping stones in this garden, one is a little girl who was killed in a car accident 8 years ago and was a 5th grader there and the other was, of course, Garrett. It was so beautiful!! I will take pictures with my camera and upload them as soon as I can. Debbie Barone and Teresa Kampfe headed this up with help from all sorts of people. They did a wonerful job and it is just great!! The ceremony was to rename the garden to "Reflections of Coyote Tracks." It was an honor to have them do this for those little "coyotes" that have gone on before us. Principal Pratz opened up the ceremony with some very kind words and then Dawn Watson introduced the garden. Kathy Ilgen (the teacher that first noticed Garrett's face went slack during field day) wrote a lovely letter about Garrett and how much he meant to the teachers and students at Forest Creek and how brave and loving he had been. It amazes me that so many people think so much of my son. He has touched so many hearts and he continues to make me proud even though he has been gone over a year. I was given some beautiful petinuas that are purple, the school's color and I have already planted them right out front of the house next to the statue that Lisa Young gave to our family last year at Garrett's birthday memorial bash. I must also tell you this, while the ceremony was going on, it was televised to all the classrooms. After all the speaking was over all the children in the school came with their teachers and filed by in single file to see the pictures that we had and to see the new stepping stones. The kids did a great job!! You know how some kids get so excited about being out of class, but these guys were very polite and the ones that I have known for a few years and even some that I haven't gave me hugs. I also had some neighbors show up for the ceremony and that meant alot to me. I have decided to purchase a tree in October to put in the garden, an ornamental peach tree. We have these trees up our street and Garrett loved them when they bloomed. I would like to put Gerber daisies there, but they take too much water.

I can't express enough appreciation how much this meant to my family. Again, it still amazes me how much people think of Garrett. Oh, I got that life mask of Caleigh that I had done at Christmastime and you would not believe how much it also looks like Garrett. I did not realize that they looked so much alike.

We are taking the kids to UT baseball tomorrow. I just can't wait to get sunburned (notice the sarcasim). Hopefully they will have fun. It is a double-header but Darrell will have to leave after the first game to go to work. I don't know if the kids will want to stay for the next one if he is not there.

Well, I have to go plant some plants that I bought a couple of days ago. I hope you all have a great weekend and just to let you know, there is only 9 more days of school here, oh, boy, summer vacation (notice the sarcasim)!

Thursday, April 27, 2006 1:39 PM CDT

UPDATE ON KYLE: Thank you all for your concerns for Kyle. We got his biopsy back and he is okay, the tumor was non-malignant!! Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers.
UPDATE ON KYLE'S SURGERY: He was so good. He of course was a little scared about the IV, they said that if you are over 75 pounds that this was the best way to give the sleeping medicine, he was expecting to have the mask and go to sleep. But he took it okay and he asked if Garrett had to do this and we told him yes, many a time, and then I told him that he did 150etter than Garrett did, which is true, Garrett hated IV's and had to have something to calm him down before they even tried to get one in. The Dr. said that everything went okay and that we should have the pathology report back within a week. She said that there was nothing to worry about in her mind and that we should not worry, but I looked at her and told her there was nothing I could do but worry. After the surgery she told us that she did find a cyst under all of that, so that kind of eased our minds that this is not any kind of cancer. After coming home and resting for a little bit Kyle wanted to go out to lunch, I took him to Red Robin, which used to be his favorite place, but since they have raised their prices, will no longer be his favorite place. It cost $40 for the two of us at lunch!!! And the service was not that good, they did not even ask if I wanted to take what I had left over home!! After that we went to Toys R Us to pick out Caleigh's birthday presents. Her birthday is this Saturday and she is turning 7, can you believe that? I want to thank everyone for your thoughts and prayers and I do believe that Kyle will be okay. I do need to say something though, while waiting on our lunch, Kyle bent down to look at something and when he came up I saw Garrett in his face. It was just for a fraction of a second, but his hair looked blond like Garrett's and his expression was just like Garrett. It made me feel good, like Garrett had been watching over his brother and wanted me to know that he was there.


Oh, boy, here we go again!! Kyle came up to me this past Saturday and he was pouting. Well, on his lip was this huge growth! I asked him how long he had had this growth and he said, "About a month." About a month!!! And he did not tell me about it. I asked why he had not said anything and he said that he had showed it to a neighbor kid and that kid told him not to worry, it is just a pimple. A pimple on this inside of your lip, I don't think so, and especially on an eight-year-old boy. Darrell thought that it might be a cyst, but I felt it and it was solid and it does not hurt Kyle when you touch it.

Took him to the doctor who sent us to another doctor (ENT) and now we are having surgery on Monday to excise it and have it biopsied. What is is about this time of year and my kids having something wrong with them? Garrett's first symtoms started at the end of May and he was diagnosed the beginning of June. I can't help but feel that terrible feeling again in the pit of my stomach. The ENT said that most fibromas are non-cancerous, well, they had first told us that Garrett had an 80hance of surviving his cancer. Can you blame me for being a little wary of what doctors say?

My mother is also going to have surgery soon. Her carotid arteries have plaque build up in them and she has to have them roto rootered. What else can happen?

I do not know if we will get the pathology back righ away on Kyle, I hope that we do, but I think that since they are thinking it's just a fibroma that they will not put a rush on it. But I will update as soon as I find out.

Please keep Kyle and my mother in your prayers.

Monday, April 10, 2006 3:36 PM CDT

Hello All!

Well, I just got back from Dallas this weekend. It was a good visit and I even got to babysit a 2 1/2 month old. Boy, did that bring back some memories!! Caleigh helped quite a bit with Colton and was very entertaining to him. She would dance around and make faces at him to make him laugh. I told her that Garrett used to do the same thing with her and she asked if she had laughed at him and I said of course, who couldn't laugh at Garrett! She wanted to know all that he did so that she could mimic it for Colton. I think that helped her to talk about Garrett and she kind of opened up to me.

The reason for me going to Dallas again was that John Edward was there with another one of his seminars. If some of you will remember, I went last year about this same time and out of 400 or so people I was read and Garrett came through with some messages for me. Well, he came through again!!!

I was not read this time, I think Garrett knows that I am doing much better and do not need to be reassured that he is okay. But, there was a question that I was thinking about and wanted John to answer. This time there were a whole lot more people there, near 600, it was a theater in the convention center in Dallas. Well, again it got to the last part of the evening and he was doing his last 3 questions and answers. There were a couple of hundred hands up in the air, and he said to me "The lady in the purple blouse, you are number 2." I went to this seminar with Dee and she had her hand up also and whispered to me before he picked me, "If he picks me, you are standing up."

Well, my turn comes (I am shaking, remember this is in front of all these people) but my voice is steady and I say first of all I want to thank you, last year I was one of the lucky ones that you read and my son came through and he was able to tell me that he was okay. It helped me greatly in my grieving process. Then I asked - I hope that I will be living a long and happy life and I want to know how and if my son will be able to recognize me, being an old woman. John said first of all, I want to thank you for validating the reason that I am here on this stage tonight. To be able to help someone that has lost a child and you seem very well adjusted by saying the statement that you wish to live a long and happy life. Then he told me that of course my son will recognize me, that there is a thing called soul recognition. He used Tom Cruise as an example, some people know him as in Risky Business, or Mission Impossible or the crazy guy that jumped up on Oprah's couch, but they still know him even though they might not know about Risky Business. Your son will know you as when he crossed over and he will be able to tell it is your soul. Then he said, I want to ask you a question - John Edward wanted to ask me a question!!! (By the way, if you have never seen him, he is so cute!!!) He asked - what would you tell these people that have lost a child - no matter how they lost them - has worked best for you to work out your grief? Well, I turned to all these people (we were sitting in the 4th row so most of these people were behind us) and I told them about counseling, books, pictures, etc. And that it does get easier with time. You will start remembering the good times and start laughing about them again. John said is there more - I said yes and I basically had the floor for 5 minutes talking about my experiences with the grief process. I was so nervous that I forgot to tell them that the most important thing that gets me by is knowing that wherever Garrett is, he took the love that he had for us with him and the love we had for him. Anyway, John then said, but you are doing something more, aren't you? I said yes. He then put the microphone under his arm and held his tumbs up and said, your son says "Way to go Mom." That is the exact gesture Garrett would have used. (I know most of you are getting chills right now, but it gets better!)

I just happened to have one of Garrett's KidStrong brochures with me and I handed it to John's assistant when I was handing the mic back to her. I asked her to give this to John, that even though he did not know it he was a part of this, because him telling me about Garrett being okay, bringing Garrett through and telling me that, I was able to take the next step to start helping other people. She said that she would give it to him and I hope that he does read that and contact us about it.

Then the seminar ended. Since we were at the front of the theater, we had to wait for the other people to file out. There were people waiting at the door to talk to me!! One woman asked - are you the lady that lost her son. I said yes. She said that she had lost her daughter to breast cancer in July and had found a wonderful grief seminar and wanted me to have that information. Well, she did not know that I am not from the Dallas area, but for some reason I wrote down all the information anyway. We then headed out the other door and a husband and wife came up behind us and asked if I was the lady that lost her son - I said yes. They had tears in their eyes, they had lost their son only a month before and have not found a good grief counselor, in the Dallas area, so now I know why I had written that information down, it was to give to these people that are having such a hard time. I passed that info on to them and talked to them a while. Come to find out their son was a freshman at Baylor and he fell from the cliffs at the river and died. Now you are really going to get chills. These cliffs are directly across the bank where Garrett swam in the river the last time during the boat races that we went to watch that Dee's husband, Mark, races at. Now you know the connection that Garrett had with these people and their son. I think maybe their son nudged them to come up and talk to me to get that information. They also did not know that I was not from the Dallas area, and I would have no idea what groups were available to them. Garrett sent me there to ask that question because I think that he might have seen this boy's soul and they talked about their parent's grief and Garrett saw it as an opportunity to help them.

Let me know how many times you had to stop and re-read parts of this to make sure you are reading this right. How many chills did you get and now don't you just have this fantastic feeling knowing that there is somebody watching over you right now and if there comes a time in your life that you really need something, somehow it will all work out. Now I am not afraid of dying, just dying before I see Kyle and Caleigh grow up, but I know if that should happen, I can still watch over them as Garrett is watching over me.

Sunday, March 26, 2006 6:27 PM CST

Hello Everyone!

I need to stop listening to country stations! It seems there is a sad song on there everytime I turn to that channel and it starts me crying. Today it was a song that said "One More Day." Oh my gosh, what would I do with one more day with my Garrett? Much to my dismay, I think that I would tell him that we only had 24 more hours with him, but then I would tell him that he would always be in our thoughts and hearts. I would let him know that he was going to someplace else that he would not have to worry about having this terrible cancer and that he would no longer feel any pain. I would tell him that he could do anything that he wanted to do that he could not do down here on earth. Mostly, I would tell him that I would miss him more than anything and that I probably will be sad that he is not here with me, but am glad that he does not have to deal with this anymore. I would tell him to visit me in my dreams and in his brother and sister's dreams. Then I would make sure that we had the most perfect place to sit and see the most perfect sunset in the world. Knowing Garrett, that would be under a palm tree in someplace warm with waves lapping up on the shore, finding a perfect conch shell and hold it up to his ear so he could listen to it. And then just holding him and telling him that I love him so much. Holding his hand until he fell asleep. Looking at his face and counting the freckels, listening to his breathing as his chest goes gently up and down, same as the waves wash in and out on the shore. His brother and sister's laughter in the background as they play chase with the waves. And then just slip into another place where there is no pain, no shots, no mri, no doctors and just be at peace. I hope that even though we did not have our sunset, beach or waves, that Garrett was able to slip into that place and be comfortable there.

I have been thinking a lot about that. I am at ends right now wondering again if he is okay. I guess I will always wonder that until I get there myself. Oh, just to know that he is all right and that I will see him again and he will know who I am and that the love that I feel for him carries on, what would I give for that, all that I have and more. I love my children. I will want to stay here for Kyle and Caleigh because they need me, but I want to make sure that Garrett is okay. He was my first child, my love of my life. I hate going through these stages of depression then everything seems to get better, then I go off the deep end again with depression. I know that it is normal to do this, but I feel so alone in this pain. I hate having to put on a happy face and telling everyone that we are doing okay. How can I feel okay when I don't know if my Garrett is okay?

I hate listening to country music stations. This is not one of my best days and I am sorry for venting on this journal, but that is what it is here for. I am human and there is only so much I can do or stand. Mostly I am a mother that is missing her child and I have the biggest hole in my heart that cannot be filled. I wish I could know that he is doig all right and that he is existing, it would be a shame if he was not.

I have these day dreams about Garrett. That I can travel back through time and pick a day to start back on. Would I go back to before he was born? Would I go back to two weeks before he was diagnosed? Would I go back the day that he died? They have all played through my head. It still comes out to the same answer, which is a question really, if I could travel back through time, would it change the outcome? Oh, to know those answers and if I really could do that.

Monday, February 27, 2006 5:27 PM CST

Hello All,

Well, this month is almost over with. Still can't help but feeling down about the whole month of February. It's kind of funny, I used to have such a hard time remembering how to spell February, now I will never forget. I even had them spell out February on Garrett's marker, usually they just put Feb. but I did not want that. I always thought that that was a weird spelling.

Anyway, we have been busy with Garrett's KidStrong. We had an activity on the train. Brenda (Korey's mom) took a picture of Caleigh that is wonderful and on the photo book if you would like to see it. She is such a beautiful young girl, but she won't let me get her hair cut. She said we can trim about an inch off, just to get the split ends, but no more. I think that will change when summer rolls around and she has to comb out her hair after swimming!! We also had crafts activity at the clinic and hospital. We had a meeting for putting together a grant application for the LAF, so send us your good thoughts that we get it!! We really need to get some money in to hire a full-time program director to get things really rolling.

Upcoming is March 18 and that will be the Cancer Fair at the Texas Disposal Systems park. I know that sounds a little smelly, but it is really a nice place and does not smell! We are going to have face painting, jumper and obstacle course there from KidStrong. There will be other programs there also.

Kyle has started football again. His team now is the Bengals and their color is orange. He seems to enjoy it even though the first game they got pounded. In spring football you are allowed to have "select" teams and the Bengals is not one of them! But he seems to be having fun and that is all that matters.

Both Kyle and Caleigh are still in counseling, so am I, but in a group setting. Sometimes it helps to be able to talk amongst people that are in your same or similar situation. I still feel uncomfortable when someone asks me how many children do I have and when I say I have three, they always ask what are their ages and I have to answer, Kyle is 8 Caleigh is 6 and Garrett passed away when he was nine. Sometimes I think it is more uncomfortable for me having to listen to someone say I'm sorry. Sometimes I just don't feel like going into all the explainations. I mean, here are my other two kids playing on the playground and I am having to talk about Garrett. It does not bother me most times, I am very proud of Garrett and who he was, but sometimes I just want to be able to enjoy Kyle and Caleigh. I know it must be hard for someone to hear that you lost (and that is another term that I do not like that much. I did not lose a child, he died) a young child and they are pretty much shocked as to how to respond to that. The road goes both ways and I still have not found an answer that would make either of us comfortable. Sometimes I think that people look at me and say how can she be laughing and having fun, her son is dead. Well, I have such special memories of the times that I had with him that carry me on. I have two wonderful (most of the time) children that keep me busy with life itself. I have a great program in his name that was his idea that needs to be spread all over this nation and that takes a lot of work and time. I can't just stop and cry for Garrett all day long, he would not have wanted that (plus I get real bad headaches when I do). I still have my bad days, but there are good days also. I still go places and think that when I was here last Garrett was with us. I still remember what he did and said while we were there. There were two places that we went to this weekend that I have not been to since Garrett died, Austin Parks and Pizza and the skating rink off 620. We went to Austin Parks and Pizza the last time while Garrett was on treatment. He was bald and pale, but he had a great time. I was sure that he was going to get sick on the tea cup ride!! He went on the go carts with his father. He got me wet from the bumper boats. So you see, I have good memories that keep me going.

By the way, if anyone knows of someone that races and/or has remote controlled boats and would like to be involved in an activity, please have them contact me at smilesmom@austin.rr.com, we need them for the Celebration of Life annual picnic being put on by Austin Cancer Centers and the American Cancer Society. The theme this year is Youth and they would like to have boat races for the kids to do. I appreciate that.

Well, I better get going, it's getting to be dinner time and I have hungry kids to feed. Thanks for stopping by, don't forget to sign the guestbook, it looks pretty sparse since they did a cleanup of the system recently!

Wednesday, February 1, 2006 9:07 PM CST

Hello All. Well, it has been one year today. I woke up this night at the same time that he died last year, without having the alarm on. I don't know, I just happened to wake up. Darrell and I spent the day together. We tried to find some Gerber Daisy plants, but to no avail. I guess that this is not the time of year for them. I will make sure to get some extra when they do come about. You can't plant anything there, but at least I can plant them here at home in honor of our Garrett. I am also going to get a couple of braided hibiscus plants, he liked those also. He used to call them hibiscits. The kids went to school, although Caleigh went late, she just did not want to get up this morning. My neighbor, Dorice sent over some flowers and breakfast cinamon loaf. Her son was knocking at the door at 10 after 7 in the morning! Thank you Dorice. My mother sent some flowers to the house and I took some gerber daisies from that to the cemetary. The morning started out fine, a little foggy (froggy to my kids) and then it was kind of nice, until right before school let out and then it started raining. Well, Darrell and I had not been to the cemetary yet because Kyle and Caleigh wanted to go with us. To make a long story short, I had to call the cemetary to see what time they closed, and for those of you that do not know, it is at dusk, which, when it is raining comes earlier. Well, we finally left at 5:00 (yes 5:00 traffic and rain), but we made it on time. I really could not say what I wanted to say because the kids were acting up (silly) so I think I will stop by tomorrow and say what I need to say. It's not like you really need to go to his grave to say what you have to, but sometimes I feel the need for some closeness to him even though he is no longer there.

It has been a hard year. Accepting the fact that your son is gone from you. That you will never be able to see him grow up. That he will never have another fight with his brother or sister. There are so many things that we will miss out on, but at least he does not have to live with any pain or hurt anymore. I know that he is watching out for us, he has showed me that several times this year. Sometimes I will think that he really needs to move on to whatever he needs to do and not watch over us, be happy and move on. He can just look in on us from time to time. I really would feel a lot better knowing that he has accepted what his life was here, that he was very much loved, and that wherever he goes next he will be loved even more.

I don't cry everyday like I used to. But there has not been a day that has gone by that I have not thought of my Garrett at least a hundred times. I say my Garrett, that is selfish, he was everyone's Garrett. He touched many lives and I think for the better. I truly cannot think of one person on this earth that would say that they did not like him. Sure he was your normal kid, fighting with his brother ALL the time and ignoring his sister. But that was before he had cancer. Sure he would have fits about cleaning his room or doing his homework, but that was before he had cancer. Cancer did change my son, but it was for the better. He learned humility, he learned co-operation, he learned to laugh at himself, he learned to love more and he learned to die with all the love in your heart. More important, he taught me all these things and more. Those of you that do know me, know that I no longer wear a watch. I got tired of waiting in the doctor's office and looking at my watch all the time, worrying about how long this was taking. It just did not pay to worry about time. Don't get me wrong, I still get to places on time, I just relax and get there. Traffic is not as bad as it used to be, so what if you have to wait in line, you get to listen to some music a little longer and who knows, maybe your favorite song will come on and you can sing out loud to it (for me that is in a very off key voice). Things now days just don't seem as dark as they did before. I miss Garrett, but I know that he is better off now then when he was here with us that last little bit. He held out for as long as he could and while he was feeling good, we did things that made him happy and I am glad that we were able to do that. But I am no longer that mom with a cancer child to worry about any longer and I have accepted that. I have two other children that I have to worry about, but it is normal mom worries, not if their white blood count is going to be too low or if their fever will get over 101 during the night. I loved my son very much and always will, but our lives are getting back to "normal" if there can ever be a normal again. I have to take pride in Kyle and Caleigh's accomplishments. Life does go on.

I am rambling on and I hope that you do not get the wrong idea of what I just wrote. I am not happy that Garrett died, but I accepted that there was nothing that we could do for him on this earth. And now I have accepted that he is gone from us, not to be with us everyday, but to be in our memories and our hearts forever.

Thank you for stopping by.


To Garrett:

Sweet Pea I miss you so very much. I am sending you a thousand hugs and kisses right now. Please visit me in my dreams tonight so I can hug and kiss you then. We will forever love you.

Thursday, January 19, 2006 1:42 PM CST

Hello all!

I hope that this journal finds everyone well. We had a good Christmas. The kids were excited on Christmas day and took to opening presents right away. It just did not seem as loud as usual though. I never did turn on the outside lights this year. My parents were here and that was a help. We had a burn ban here on New Year's because we have had no rain. I just could not go without doing fireworks because that was the last time that Garrett had a fun time and it is the last picture we have of him having fun setting off fireworks, so I chanced the 500.00 fine and we lit fireworks. Ilze, Gisella and Jeff were here and I kept telling Jeff not to light the ones that went up in the air, but you know grown men turn into little boys with fireworks and he had to sneak some in there. I would yell at him again and he would say that he had no idea that it went into the air! Like I believe that! The kids are back in school now, I love them but three and a half weeks in cold weather so that they are in the house all the time does get on my nerves. As you know, we are coming up on one year without our hero. It just does not seem like it has been a year since I have seen his smile or heard him say that I love you. On the 7th of January I woke up to get the kids going to school and I noticed that one of the pictures was on the kitchen floor. Now this is very hard to do since this picture was on a shelf that has a railing on it, if it was to fall it would have to have jumped off. I asked the kids if the had somehow bumped this shelf (which is impossible for them since it is up over the sliding glass doors) and then I asked Darrell if he knew anything about it. Of course he said that he did not. Well, the picture was of the three kids when they were small, one of my favorites. Then I realized what day it was. It was the last day that Garrett had spent at home with us. I think it was his way of telling me that he was going to be there with me that day to help me go on. We get little signs like that from time to time. Like when Garrett would come home from the doctors office he would take a nap, but would wake up almost everytime at the same time which was 3:45. Well, for some reason there is an alarm that I cannot find in his room that goes off at 3:45 everyday. He did not have that alarm set when he was here, but now there is this little beep beep beep that goes off everyday. I have searched his room high and low and cannot find it. Some days it drives me crazy because I cannot find it, just like I still have not found the angels that we made for his chemo angels.
I have gone back and re-read the journals that were going on about this time last year, to see how much we tried and hoped and prayed to have our Garrett here with us. I really think that he was ready to go and that he did all that he could while he was here to make us happy. My son is gone but his spirit is with us always. I have copied some pictures and had them laminated and will be taking down his Charlie Brown tree and puttin new flowers with pictures at the cemetary for him. I got yellow buttercups and purple tulips. I hope that he will like them.

Caleigh will be starting dance lessons next week. She has been wanting to take them for such a long time. Kyle will be starting spring football, if the coach ever gets a hold of us, and is happy about that. I will start working out now that the doctor has given me the okay to do so. I am also thinking of painting the front formals in a tuscany kind of theme. I am sorry that the KidStrong website is not fully functional yet, I have tried and tried to get a hold of the person that was paid to do it and cannot seem to get an answer. I had really wanted the website fully functional during the Holidays, but we did not make it.

I want to take this moment to thank everyone that has been a part of our lives. You stuck through the hard times and have seen us through the worst of times. I know that you all think about Garrett and what a loss it was for you and your families, but look at it this way, if Garrett hung on too much longer he would have realized just how sick he really was and would have been very sad. This way he was able to go without pain and was still able to say to us that he loved us. It is never easy saying goodbye to someone you love, especially a child, but he is up there somewhere watching over us and letting us know that life is precious. I did not realize how much Garrett had touched so many lives, but one of his friends wrote a story about him and brought it over to me the other day. This is a 9 year old boy that wrote about my son and how much he meant to him. I hope that these kids will remember Garrett throughout their lives, who knows, maybe one of them will come up with a cure for all cancers. We can only hope.

I don't know if I will update again before February 1, but if I don't please understand that I have not forgotten all the people that have been and continue to pray for our family. It is just a very hard time for me and it is starting to show on the kids too.

If you live in the area and know where Garrett is at, give him a visit and let him know what you have been up to in the past year. I am sure he would be glad to hear from you because you know he is listening. I talk to him everyday. I have to be careful when I talk to him though, because usually I start crying and if Caleigh is anywhere in the house she comes and starts wiping my eyes for me and tells me to stop. It is a hard balancing act, trying to be happy for Kyle and Caleigh, but still very sad about Garrett. I have to watch what I say and do around them. Hopefully when they get older they will understand.

Please say a special prayer for Kyle, he had to go to a dermotologist about some moles that have come up that don't look so good. He will probably have to have a biopsy done on them and he has never really been sick in his life, so I don't know how he will react to this.

Have a great week and thank you for stopping by. If you have time, please sign the guestbook so that I know who is keeping up with us.

Saturday, December 24, 2005 4:36 PM CST

Merry Christmas to Everyone!

Well, here it is our first Christmas without our hero. I have not had the heart to turn on the lights on the outside of the house. I put them up, but just can't seem to get the notion to turn them on. Maybe I will be able to do that next year. My neighbors must think that I am crazy for doing all that work and not turning them on. I hope that they will understand. I did put Garrett's stocking up and then felt very sad that there would be nothing in it. Well, Darrell felt the same way and he came home this afternoon with some Pokemon cards to put in there. It is so sad that they will never be opened. I remember that when Garrett was in the hospital the last time, before he went into surgery to see what kind of infection he had, he could not talk because his throat hurt him so much and his right eye was swollen shut, but I had brought some YuGiOh cards for him and I started opening them up for him. We got to the last pack and when I opened it I knew he would be happy. It had the Ultimate Warrior or something like that in it, you know, it was the foil type and was wanted by every kid that collected them. His smile was so big and his left eye got wide! Right after that, I mean seconds, the nurse came in to take him down to surgery. So I handed him that card and he took that down with him and kept it in his hands as long as he could before they took him in the operating room. It is those moments that I try to think of now, when he was most happy. Usually on Christmas Eve we look at the tapes from last year. I know tonight we will not do that. But I also know that on the very last of the tape from last year Garrett is handing me a package and saying, "This one is for you Mom and it says it is from me." Since I am the one taping the tape stops so that I can open it up. I wish I could remember what it was. (Darrell and I get gifts for each other and say it is from the kids.) Kyle had said the other day in the car that there would not be a great amount of gifts like there usually is because Garrett is not here. I don't know if he meant that Garrett got more or that there just would be less because Garrett was not here. The kids got a package from Super Sibs and in it was a book about how sad everyone can be when they lose a brother or a sister, but in the end things start to get normal again. Caleigh read it all the way through, out loud, to me. I was very proud of her and myself for not crying while she read it. She was very proud of herself for reading the whole thing, which I was too. My parents are here now which is a great help and distraction for the kids. We went to the Armadillo Christmas thing (sorry don't know the whole name) with the kids. Last year I had seen on the tv that one of the artists does a "life cast" of the face. I so wanted to take Garrett down there to do that, but his white blood count was too low. This year I did Caleigh. I told Ann Curtis my story of how I had wanted to do this for Garrett, knowing that he was terminal, so that I could have something to touch and to feel his face again. Caleigh did a wonderful job of staying so still, even with an audience watching what was going on. I cried while they did this, wishing that Garrett could see this and be proud of his little sister. Kyle would not do it, he said maybe next year. Ann said, "Yes, there is always next year." And then she remembered what I had told her and she said that she was so sorry. I know that she will do a beautiful job and Caleigh picked out that she would be an angel. I will post the picture when I get it in May. I am hoping that since Caleigh and Garrett had similar facial features, except that Garrett had a cleft in his chin, that maybe she will be able to use the cast from Caleigh and age it a little and put that cleft in and then we have Garrett. We will see. If she can't maybe I can do it.

We are having our traditional snack dinner tonight. My dad had made oyster stew (which is very, very good) and we will have crackers, cheese, pigs in a blanket, fun foods. Then we will be checking the "radar" for Santa and where he is at. Darrell and I will probably be up until 1 or 2, but at least we don't have to put anything together this year. Darrell has a real hard time reading directions at 12 at night. Then we will go to bed and be rudely woken up at an early hour. Caleigh was wanting to take her shower and go to bed at 3 in the afternoon, sorry lady, no way. I want to try to keep them up until at least 10, but you know how it is, they will want to go to bed at 8, even though every other night they refuse to go to bed at their time which is 9!

To everyone that reads this: I hope that you will have a safe and happy Christmas and New Year. If you have children, even though this is a very stressful time, cherish them. They are the reason we are here. It does not matter how much money you have or do not have, children just need love. If you have lost a child, cherish the moments that you had with them. Know that they were loved by you and that they loved you, unconditionally. They are gifts that could never be matched. They give us our memories of good times and bad times and how we worked through them (and to continue to do so). There is no amount of gold that could replace those memories that we can replay in our minds over and over again. Even though the sound of the voice of that child seems to fade over time, there is still that feeling in your heart that warms you all over when you can still hear them say "I love you." That is all that matters, nothing else.

To all my friends and family, please forgive me for not sending cards this year, I just did not have the heart. It is not that I do not think of you, I do everyday, for all of your support and caring, but right now is a very hard time for me and I hope that you understand.

Thank you for caring about our little family. Say a prayer for us to be able to get through these next couple of months, it is going to be hard and please forgive me if I don't update as much as I should.

P.S. Mom, Caleigh and I went out to the cemetary the other day and we decorated a tree for Garrett. It looks like a Charlie Brown tree, leaning and crocked. I told Mom that it looks like a child's tree and to leave it like it was. I hope that Garrett likes it.

Monday, December 12, 2005 9:19 AM CST

Hello All!

I hope that your Holiday Season finds you safe, healthy and happy. We have been busy around here, trying to get in the Holiday spirit. It has been hard. We have a little family argument going on right now, it is over Garrett's stocking. Kyle and I want to put it up, Caleigh does not, and Darrell is not saying. The kids decorated the tree and they put Garrett's handmade ornaments on the tree, but Caleigh is still saying that she does not want his stocking up. What to do? It is so hard to get into the spirit of things. I really have no energy to put up the decorations, but know that I have to for Kyle and Caleigh. I was putting some lights up outside and started crying because I remembered when Garrett helped me do that last year. He was always so excited about Christmas. He would help Darrell take down the stuff from the attic and open the boxes and yell down to me what was in the box and where did I want it to go. He loved writing letters to Santa and would help Kyle and Caleigh do theirs. We would ride around the neighborhood looking at all the lights and voting on which one was best (he always would say that next year ours would be better and that then we would win). I miss him so much, his laughter, his wit, his hugs, just his company. I used to wake up at night and have to go looking for him because a lot of times he would not be in the same place that he first went to sleep at. Most of the time I would find him in the "hidey hole" or with his brother in his room. I would just stand there and look at him and listen to him breathe and thank God that he was still with us. It is those small things that I miss, that I should not have taken so lightly when he was here. It is going to be a hard couple of months here I know, but somehow, someway we will make it through, we've made it this far.

In other news Garrett's KidStrong is going to be having a couple more activities coming up. Saturday we are having a Parent's Night Out so that the Moms and Dads can do a little shopping or just go to dinner. On the 20th I will be at the hospital and the clinic with the miniture trees for the kids. In February we will be taking the Hill Country Flyer to Burnet. People have been wonderful when they hear about KidStrong and want to help in any way that they can. It is a great cause and I am so happy that it is being recieved so well. Kyle thinks I spend too much time on it, but I really don't. He just happens to be there when someone calls, etc. and thinks that I am on the phone all the time about KidStrong.

By the way, my turkey turned out great! My mother told me that you really cannot screw up a Butterball and she was right! For Christmas David is bringing a ham so that I won't have to worry about that. My parents are coming up from Florida and will be here until the 4th. They are bringing Luke (the standard poodle) so Oddie will have a friend to play with. I think that they will both be exhausted by the time they leave to go home.

I really have to start my Christmas shopping now, the kids are going to be out of school for the break this Thursday and I have done nothing about presents yet.

I hope that everyone will have a safe and happy Holiday Season.

Monday, November 21, 2005 1:53 PM CST

Hello All,

Well, Thanksgiving is almost upon us and I am not ready as usual. This will be my first time cooking dinner at my house. Last year we went to our friend's Ilze and her family because Mom Burnham had died in October and Garrett was getting that week long chemo every two weeks. We had a great time there and I did not even have to clean up! Well, this year it is all on me. It is just going to be us and my brother-in-law David. But still, I have never cooked a turkey in my life! Mom and Dad were going to try to make it from Florida, but with the hurricanes they did not think that the hotels would be up and running just yet. Plus they have Luke (the big standard poodle puppy) that they have to worry about finding a place that will take dogs overnight in a hotel.

Anyway, things are going and going. I am going to be starting back to work very soon. Dee has sent me a "practice" depo to do and would you believe it, I actually remembered how to download it! It has been over a year since I have done this and I am pretty proud of myself! Kyle has finished football, they ended their season 2 and 7, nobody is perfect! He had a great time and is looking forward to playing next year. He is going to try to stay in Mighty Mites, but I do not know if he will be able to keep his weight down for that long. He has done a very good job so far, but went a little crazy at Halloween. Caleigh is as beautiful as ever. Her hair is getting so long that she has to tie it back every night so that it is not a rat's nest in the morning. They are both doing very well in school. Kyle made the "A-B" Honor Roll and Caleigh had some 3's already (4 meaning that you are ready to move on to the next grade). Darrell is working hard as always. I have finally gotten on the high speed internet and have trashed my dial up, my goodness what a difference it makes!

We have a couple of fund raisers for Garrett's KidStrong. The first being at the Ride for the Roses and we raised over 700.00! The second was at our school Harvest Festival and the people there gave over 350.00 in less than 3 hours, thank you to everyone at Forest Creek Elementary!! Our next one will be this weekend, the Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving at the Harley Davidson shop on Braker lane here in Austin. Again we will have the Helping Hands to be decorated by people or they can adopt one to be decorated by the kids in the hospital. We will display all of these hands on a Christmas tree at the Children's Hospital of Austin.

Also, our website it up (partially) and hopefully will be completely up very soon. I finished Garrett's story from birth to death and will have that posted so if you missed out on any of my entries before, this kind of sums it up. I went to his gravesite today, it is kind of depressing as they are adding burial sites around him and have the place all dug up and dusty. They even scratched his headstone, but they have to replace that since it is perpetual care. I don't have any flowers out there right now because it is so dusty and dirty and have taken his photos home until they are finished. The plus to this is that they are adding another fountain that will be near to him and I know that he would like that. I think about him alot lately, it being Holiday time. I remember what we did last year together and how he had helped me pick out presents for his brother and sister saying "They would really like this, I know because I would have liked it at that age also." He always seemed to be thinking of everyone else. This weekend is also the Chuy's parade downtown. It is where kids give to kids and he always loved going there. It is going to be hard to go without him, but I know that he would be disappointed if we did not give to other children. I now ask him to watch over other children that are ill and have to be in the hospital and I know that he is busy doing that. He gives me such great ideas in my dreams of what we can do for other kids, and I know that it is him doing it because before all I could dream about is what I could do for him.

I took the haunted houses stuff up to the clinic and hospital playroom and had kids decorate them. They did a fantastic job. I took Garrett's up there that he did last year to show them what all they could do and they loved his. Next month I will be taking miniture Christmas trees and decorations up there so that the kids can decorate their own trees to have in the hospital room with them since they are going to be there during Christmas. There are alot of charities that bring gifts and stuff, but nobody had a tree in their room. This way they can.

I will be having surgery next week (elective and no I will not tell you what it is) so we are hoping everything goes well with that. My neighbor Dorice had her baby, a girl finally (she has 3 boys) and she named her Adeline Kay. She is just adorable, but not adorable enough for me to think that I want another one. Dorice broke her tail bone having her, ouch, and we hope that she feels better soon.

We are now praying for another one of our friends, Jennifer Wilks and her family. Jennifer was in the Nike commercial with Garrett and Lance Armstrong, only you can actually see Jennifer in it. She has ALL and has developed ARDS which is a respiratory illness and is in critical condition at PICU in Austin Children's Hospital. This family and young lady have been through so much, they have been dealing with ALL for 3 years now. If you would, add her and her family to your prayer list and hope that she will be able to get over this illness and go back home to her family. I know how horrible it feels to feel like there is nothing that you can do and have to give over your child to the doctors and their knowledge and hope for a miracle. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it does not. I know that Garrett was a miracle in himself and he just got tired and did not want to hurt anymore, he knew that if he let go that there was something better for him somewhere else and I am saddened that he left us, but know that wherever he is, he is happy and doing well and doing good for others because that is the way he was and is.

The kids are almost home from school so I better go now. As always, thank you for checking in and please feel free to sign the guestbook, I love hearing from all of you and I still mark down any new places that show up on the log.

November 26, 2005
I am sorry to say that Jennifer has passed away yesterday. Our prayers go out to her family during this difficult time. I know there are no words that can take the pain away, but hope that they can find comfort soon. Garrett was probably there to greet Jennifer just to say Hi and to show her around. Please send your prayers to her family at caringbridge.com/tx/jenniferw. Thank you.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005 8:19 AM CDT

Wow, what a weekend we had! Garrett's KidStrong Program came out in the public eye for the first time and it was HUGE!!! We had a booth at the Ride for the Roses Livestrong Village here in Austin. We worked so hard for this. Special thanks to Baker, Lisa and Russ Young, Nicole Powell, Kim Straub, Shawn and Wendy Faherty, Scott, Brenda, Corey and Kylie and of course to my husband Darrell and my kids Kyle and Caleigh for being so good about mommy being gone all weekend. We sold "Helping Hands" for a $5 donation, you could decorate it or "adopt" a hand for a cancer kid to decorate at the hospital. All of these hands will go on a Christmas tree that will be displayed at the Children's Hospital. It was so much fun. We sold out of hands and raised $765 for our very first fundraiser! We also talked to other people about working on some other projects involving Garrett's KidStrong, which is a great help. Our program is out there now and people are talking about it! Our next project will be tomorrow at the clinic and the hospital green unit. I have bought these cardboard houses and we are going to decorate them as haunted houses. Garrett did one last year and he did such a good job on it. I have it out now as a Halloween decoration. We even put tissue paper in the windows and put a flashing pumpkin light in it so that it looks like someone is turning the lights on and off.

I am in the process of working on Garrett's story for the website. I don't know how long I can make it, but I would like to include from birth to death. There was so much about him to talk and write about. If any of you remember special stories that I may have written in this journal, please email me with it. You know at my age I can't remember everything!!

We had the kids riding the pedicabs again this year and it was terrific. I remember Garrett doing it last year with Jacob and they had so much fun. It was bitter sweet to be there again this year, we even used the same cabs as last year and I remember the exact one that Garrett sat in. We had our brochures there and Scott gave one to the announcer of the ride and everytime one of the pedicabs would come in he would say, "And here is another pedicab from Garrett's KidStrong Program, a Youth InterACTIVE program to help kids with cancer." I was so proud. I would like to thank Youth InterACTIVE for making this happen again this year and all the volunteers that came out and pulled those 400 pound cabs with the kids in them. You guys and gals rock!!! We hope that you enjoyed yourself so much that you will come back next year, I know I will be there.

So much is going on there does not seem to be enough time in the day. I guess it is good that I am so busy, I don't have time to sit and cry all day anymore. There are still days that I will take time out to cry, sometimes it just hits you. But I think Garrett would rather me being busy helping other kids like him instead of crying for him. Sometimes I feel guilty that I am not dressed all in black and have a sad face all the time, but that is not what he would have wanted. (I look better in pink anyway). I know that he is up there giving me the strength to do this.

Anyway, check out the website - garrettskidstrong.org - and let me know what you think of it.

Hug your kids if you have them and have a safe Halloween.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 7:52 PM CDT

Hello Everyone!

Well, I have been a busy little bee! Next week we have our first Garrett's KidStrong Program activity. It will be held at Pump It Up in Round Rock. It is an indoor arena that has huge air-filled structures, like a 40 foot slide, that the kids can jump and slide and race in. They play real cool music and the kids can yell and dance as much as they want to. The owners of Pump It Up are suppling this to KidStrong at NO cost!!! Thank you Bill and Susan!! We will also have pizza for those hungry kids!! I have also found a photographer that will take pictures for FREE!! Thank you Mary!! Mary is just starting her own business after being Denis Richey's partner for a long time. For those of you that don't remember, Denise is the photographer that took our family portraits and took the picture of Garrett that is above. So I know that Mary will do a great job also.

We have also started signing up families for the Ride for the Roses. LAF is going to donate pedicabs for the kids to ride in and they have also said that if some of the kids or parents want to ride their own bikes with us they can and again, for FREE! We will have the kids decorate the cabs and have some fun activities to do also. I remember that Garrett really enjoyed that day, just being out in the fresh air and being with his family and friends. Who knew that at that time he had only 4 more months with us. He did not act like a little boy that was very sick. They even had their picture taken with Will Ferrell and that was published in the LAF newsletter, so my son is famous!!!

Not bad for an organization that does not have any money at all is it? Well I take that back, there was a 12 year old girl in Plano that won a radio contest, 100.00, and she told the host of the show that she wanted to give it to an organization that helped sick kids have fun. The host knew of KidStrong through one of our members and told her about it. That little girl, who is sick herself, said that she wanted to give it to KidStrong. How fitting, for our first donation it is a kid giving to kids. I am going to be going to Plano in a couple of weeks to get that check from her and present her with a certificate of appreciation and an honorable membership. With gas prices these days I will probably be spending more going to get the check than the check itself, but I feel that she needs to be acknowledged for what she is doing and I want to do that in person. (Besides I can go visit Dee while I am up there too. I have not seen her all summer.)

I had to take Kyle to the ENT today, he has been having real bad nose bleeds, not just small ones, but ones that are like a faucet. I took him to Dr. Slater, who used to be Garrett's ENT, he was the surgeon that operated on Garrett the first time when we found out he had cancer. It was weird sitting in that office again. I had gone there so many times with Garrett. I took some of the KidStrong literature that I have and I gave it to him to take a look and he was very impressed that we had done so much in such a short amount of time. Kyle will have to keep his nostrils moist and we will go back in about three weeks for another look to see if we need to do anymore.

Speaking of Kyle, he has told me that he is not going to cut his hair until his football team wins a game. I might be in big trouble on that one. They are 0 and 2 right now, but you know what, he is having a great time and doing so well. I just would really like to get his hair cut!

Caliegh is doing very well in cheerleading. They are getting ready for competion cheer, hopefully they will have their uniforms by then. That is kind of a sore spot with me right now, we paid a lot of money for those uniforms and here we are going into the third game of the season and they don't have the uniforms. Oh well, as long as she is having a good time it really does not matter. I mean, that is what it is all about isn't it, that they are enjoying themselves and enjoying life in general. I know that Garrett would be very proud of both of them. Caleigh is also going to try out for the school's Nutcracker musical this year. She says that she wants to try for the lead role, knowing her, she will get it is she wants it bad enough.

The old saying, "Life goes on," is so true. I look back on my life with Garrett and I cry a lot, but then I get a big huge from Kyle or listen to Caleigh singing at the top of her lungs and I have to think that life is good. I just hope that Garrett is looking down on us and smiling and cheering his brother and sister on as they go on with their lives. I have started thinking about the little good times that I had with Garrett, one of which I will share with you. He loved taking bubble baths when he was small, I am talking 18 months or a little older. It was close to Christmas so I was sitting next to the tub saying Ho, Ho, Ho! We had gone to see Santa earlier that day, and of course he had tugged on Santa's beard. For some reason, I don't know why but when I said Ho, Ho, Ho again, he put is face in the bubbles and came up with a bubble beard, just like Santa! After that for the next two years when I would say Ho, Ho, Ho while he was taking a bubble bath he would bend down and get his little bubble beard on. He even taught Kyle to do it.

Life does go on. Hug your kids and treasure the little moments, God willing there will be plenty of them.

Sunday, August 28, 2005 7:07 PM CDT

Hello All,

Well, today is my little sister's birthday and I forgot to call her!! How terrible am I. It is now too late to call since she is in Germany. My mother is leaving on Tuesday from Florida to go visit for three weeks! She wanted me to go with her, but I just could not leave Kyle and Caleigh for that long. Thank you for all your prayers and concerns, it just seems that at times the smallest things get me down and the kids going back to school without Garrett really got to me.

We have been busy since the last time I wrote. Lisa Young and her friend Nicole have been busy little bees with the website and the flier that has now been generated. It looks great! The website will not be up for maybe another week but it will be garrettskidstrong.org and will have a lot of information on it for everyone. I have been writing things to put on there about Garrett and what he had wanted and what Garrett's KidStrong wants to do for other Central Texas children who have been diagnosed, are in treatment or are survivors of childhood cancer. We even will include those who have lost children to cancer.

Remember that September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month so wear a lot of gold or yellow and tell everyone that you can that it is our month. Tell them about all the caringbridge pages that you have visited and you will be amazed at how many people do not know that there is that much childhood cancer in this world. We need to let them know what these kids go through and it should not be this way. We need more research to find a cure for all kinds of childhood cancer so that not one more child or family has to go what we went through. These children did not do this to themselves, they did not smoke, they did nothing to deserve this, but they all fight with such dignity and strength that it still amazes me. We as parents and grandparents need to be the voice of these kids because all they want to do is get better and be normal kids again.

For all of you that are in the path of the hurricane, please get to safety and I will pray for you and your families that everyone will make it through this and that you will have a home to go back to when this is over.

I look forward to being able to tell you the next time that I write that the webpage is up and running and to check it out!!

Thank you all for signing the guestbook. I still want to go look on my map like I did with Garrett to see where you all are from. I guess I should start doing that with Kyle and Caleigh now.

Thursday, August 11, 2005 7:32 PM CDT

Hello everyone,

Am I crazy? I don't know. With school starting here and August 13th coming up I just can't seem to hold it together. The 13th is the day that we found out that Garrett's cancer was advancing. Garrett had gone to Jacob's house and I was driving the other kids over to the Faherty's to join them to go to the Lance Armstrong homecoming parade here in Austin. Dr. Wells called me on my cell phone and asked me if I was driving, I told him yes, but go ahead and talk to me. I think I knew that it was going to be bad news since Garrett just was not acting like my Garrett. When I pulled up to Wendy's house I was crying and told Kyle and Caleigh to go ahead and get out of the car. Wendy and Shawn were outside with the kids and they came to the car window and I just waved them off, they could see that I was crying and knew that I had gotten bad news. I remember getting off the phone and going straight to Garrett, he saw that I was crying and asked me what was wrong. I could not lie to him. I told him that his cancer had returned and that I was very sad about that. He told me, "Mom, I beat cancer before, I can beat it again." I asked him if he still wanted to go to the parade and he said yes that he wanted to see his hero. We went to the parade and walked and waited to see Lance for a whole three seconds. But Garrett thought that was great. And then a couple of days later he went to school for the first day and the last day. He never went back to school for classes after that first day of school. He was so handsome and he was so proud to be walking his brother and his sister to school. It was Caleigh's first day of kindergarten and he was showing her the way to school. We took pictures of them in front of the school sign not knowing that it would be the last time we would see him with his siblings at school.

It is just so hard remember him and wanting him to be here with us. I am having a real hard time carrying on with my life and kids. It is painful seeing your other children grow and carry on with their lives when you have lost a child. I keep comparing Kyle to Garrett and I know that I should not do that, Garrett was so different than Kyle. Not saying that Kyle is not good, my goodness, the boy is very smart and witty. And Caleigh, there is no comparison, she is so beautiful sometimes I wonder if she is my child. She cannot take a bad picture and she is just so full of joy and life. How is it I can have such wonderful children but be so miserable. I just keep thinking of what Garrett would be doing right now and I start crying. I cannot imagine if this was your only child and you lost them. I would be going completely crazy. I have tried going to grief classes and that does not seem to help. If anything, it amplifies my sorrow, remembering and wanting.

I have tried to lose myself in Garrett's KidStrong Program, but since LAF did not find it in their hearts to give us a grant there seems to be lull in what we are doing. I have tried several times to get other parents to email back with their ideas of what we could do for certain events and have very little feedback. There are only a couple of families that have really been working with me to get this started and I appreciate more than they know what they have done and are doing, but it seems that the wheels are not turning. I know that sometimes I do not want to deal with this, but I still do it. I cry when I have to write emails to these people, try to be upbeat, try to be strong, because that is what KidStrong is all about, being strong and surviving, but my son did not survive. He wanted to so much, he gave so much, he loved so much and he wanted to just be able to rest.

I am sorry if this journal upsets you, but that is what this jounal is for, for me to be able to tell you what is going on with our lives. It is my opinion, not Darrell, not Kyle, not Caleigh and even not Garrett. This is what a grieving mother goes through. The grief does not stop on a dime. I still have not been able to go into Garrett's room without crying. There is a wonderful woman that has offered to make a blanket with Garrett's clothes, I met her the other week and she is just amazing, but I have not been able to go through Garrett's clothes to do that. I touch them and I just start crying. I still think it is not fair, what did I do that would take my child away. He was such a good soul. He did nothing wrong. He was innocent. Why did he have to suffer, why did he have to leave us, why did he have to die.

I guess these questions will not be answered until I find Garrett in Heaven and will be able to look upon his face and ask his forgiveness. I am questioning if we should have put him through all this in the first place. The doctors told us that he had an 80% chance of survival when he was first diagnosed, that of course went down in time. Should we have done what we did? I just know that I treasured the time that I had with Garrett and I hope upon all hopes that he did the same. He just wanted to be a normal kid. Garrett can never be a normal kid, to me he is my Hero.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005 8:04 AM CDT

Hello All!

Sorry that it has taken me so long to update, we are on vacation in Florida right now. We had a scare with the hurricane headed towards Florida but we are on the Atlantic side and had no worries. Just rain and wind. We have been going to the beach and yesterday we took the kids to Lion Country Safari and were held hostage by some zebra! Garrett would have really loved going to see that and I wish he was here. I think of Garrett all the time, thinking that he would have loved to do a lot of the same things we are doing. Even Caleigh and Kyle mention that he would have liked doing that. The only thing he would not have liked is that we have been eating a lot of seafood and he did not like seafood!!

KidStrong had a big blow. The grant that we were hoping to get from the Lance Armstrong Foundation was turned down. They said it was because they would have liked to see more activities listed. Well, we have to have money to start activities!! They say they loved the program in itself, so why did they not call us and ask us to provide them with more activities? It has made me quite mad, but we will carry on without them. Our group is a great bunch of cancer survivors that are committed to helping our kids survive cancer, no matter what stage of treatment they may be on, or in our case, if the child has gone on to heaven but left brothers and sisters behind to remember them. We have been able to find people that will donate brochures, time, materials and of course, their hearts and hard work to make this happen even without LAF. We are hoping to have our kickoff in September, which most of you know is childhood cancer awareness month. We will get this program off the ground because the kids need it so much. There is nothing out there that I have found that dedicates itself just to childhood cancer survival. We all know that if the kids are feeling good about themselves and are able to do a little bit of activity that their chances of survival are better. We plan on having safe, fun activities for the kids like getting a movie theater to open early just so that the cancer kids can go see the latest movie. I remember that when Garrett's white blood count was low, we could not go anywhere, especially the movies. This way if we could get a theater to open early, it has been cleaned and if it is only the cancer kids, then we really don't have to worry about sickness and if the kids have to wear masks, the other kids will understand why and not stare and point and shout to their moms "Why is that kids bald and why is he wearing a mask?" That was one of my pet peeves. When a child would ask the parent a question about Garrett and instead of coming up and asking us, the parent would make up an answer. I remember when one mother told her son that the reason that Garrett was bald and pale is that his mother most have shaved his head and that his mother most not let him go outside. Well, I had a bad day that day and I told Garrett to stay where he was and I went up to that mother and I told her that the reason that he was bald and pale was that he had cancer and was on treatment and was needing a blood transfusion and I then told her not to lie to her son right in front of him and walked away. I heard the little boy saying to his mom, why did you lie to me. Let her explain that one!!

Anyway, KidStrong is going to be great even without LAF. We have a lot of local businesses here in Austin that would love to sponsor us and we just have to get out there and find them. The kids need this, they deserve this. Their brothers and sisters deserve this because they have to go through fighting this monster with their sibling and when they lose that sibling it is even harder to adjust to life again. Not only are you getting back to normal, but you are missing a huge part of your life (so I guess they really are not getting back to normal).

We are hoping that we can really get the ball rolling on this and will be selling tshirts, hats etc. to raise money. I would love this program to go nationwide within two years. Cancer kids need advocacy and the adults are the ones to step up to the plate and hit a home run for them.

If you would like to help, email me at smilesmom@msn.com if you know some places that we can apply for grants or if you know someone on the inside of LAF that we can appeal to, please let me know.

Hope everyone is having a great summer. Be careful not to get sunburned.

Saturday, June 18, 2005 9:53 PM CDT

Hello All,
Am having trouble with my new computer to connect with the internet and had to move to my old computer. Hopefully I will get this right.

June 16 was Garrett's birthday. I did not have as hard of a time as I thought I would. I think Darrell did though. It is hard dreading a birthday, which I think Darrell was doing. I had a busy time with getting all the tvs, games, etc to the clinic and the green unit, so I think that helped me out. Let me tell you that everyone was so surprised at all the stuff that we brought. I told them that I would need two trucks and they did not believe me, but I did. Wendy's husband, Shaun, took up the really big stuff that I could not fit in my truck. He took a train table with all the accessories, the video chair and the media cart. I took all the rest. Darrell had to take the kids in his car because there was no room in my truck. Gisella came with us and then Jacob and Josh, Korey and Kylie with Brenda were all there helping out. My brother-in-law, David, gave some toys and stuff and helped out also. The clinic was busy (unfortunately) so we had to set up in the conference room and the hallway. The things that went to the green unit were taken to their office until they could find room for them.

I was so happy that I could bring things to the kids that were there and be able to tell them that instead of not celebrating Garrett's birthday, we decided to celebrate with them especially and that this stuff was for them to use while they were getting their chemo infusions. I happened to run into another Garrett while we were there and talked to him a little bit. I told him that my Garrett had passed away and that we were sharing his birthday with everyone in the clinic. He asked what my Garrett died of and I told him that it was cancer, but that his was in such a place that they could not remove the tumor, but my Garrett had played with him one time when he was just starting his chemo. He said that he remembered him and that he thought that what I was doing was cool. He also said that he was sorry that Garrett died because he thought he was cool too.

Afterwards we went to Garrett's gravesite. Darrell could not go with me so I took the kids to say Happy Birthday even though I was feeling sad. I sat down and talked to Garrett while the others played in the fountain. It was hard because as I looked at the clock as we were getting there, it was about that time 10 years ago he was born. I mostly remember the shape of his head because I had to push so much and he was caught, his head was like a cone. I cried wondering if it would be normal and the doctor told me that it would be all right. I never thought I would have to worry about my son having cancer and then passing away because of it.

Lisa Young (Blake's mom) opened up her house and heart to have a BBQ at her house in honor of Garrett. It was such a wonderful time and took my mind off of the hurt that I was feeling. All of our cancer friends were there and Allie and Baker came also. We are so blessed to have all of these people in our lives to help us through the tough times and they know what we are going through.

Garrett would have loved that birthday party and I have thought so much about him since. I miss him so much but know that he is not in any pain and is probably having a bigger party where ever he may be. I just miss him. Sometimes I think I can hear him calling Mom, but I know that is not possible.

I want to thank Lisa, Wendy and Brenda and their families for helping us out during this week. It has been hard but I think we are all right. When you lose a child it is a terrible thing to deal with, but if you have family and friends that give you the time to accept what has happened and help you through it, it makes it easier to live life a day at a time.

Garrett's KidStrong Program is going strong!! We have set up committees and are rolling along. Hopefully we will have our kick off in September and really get things going. We are still waiting to hear from LAF on the grant. We have a great group of parents that have gotten together with all of their resources and are making it happen.

I miss my son. I love my son. I know that he is not in any more pain. I still want to hug him every night and tell him that I love him. Hug your kids, tell them that you love them and that you will see them in the morning. I wish I could do that with Garrett and I do that with Kyle and Caleigh.

I hope that you had a Happy Birthday Garrett and I wish that you could have been with us.
Love,
Mom

Wednesday, May 25, 2005 5:27 PM CDT

Hello All!

If most of you did not know this has been a hard two weeks for me. It was two years ago this week and last week that Garrett started showing signs of his cancer. Last week was the anniversary of losing the right side of his face and the hearing in his right ear, this week will be when he was diagnosed. At the time of his diagnosis we would have never believed that we would have less than two years to be with him. I miss him so much that it physically hurts and have thought that all I want to do is be with him. But I can't be with him, I have to be here for Kyle, Caleigh and Darrell and all of the other children and families that have to deal with this monster. When I was growing up I would say to my mom that "It's not fair!" when I did not get my way all the time. My mom would answer that "Life's not fair, you just have to deal with it." I really don't want to have to deal with losing my son. I may be bias, but Garrett was a terrific boy and anyone that met him, even for just a little bit, would comment on what a good boy he was, how gracious he was, how grown up he seemed. There is no reason why any family should have to go through this. You carry a child in you for nine months, care for them, teach them, love them and watch them grow. Watch them go off to school for the first time, watch them learn how to read and write, watch them start thinking for themselves and problem solve on their own, watch them develop socially and amaze you on what they can do. Then to have to lose them when they have not learned all that they can learn. I will never have the pleasure of seeing Garrett learn how to drive a car, worry if he is going to be in a wreck, get his first job, find his first love, his first dance, have his first child. Life's not fair.

I am feeling so down right now. My son is gone and there is nothing that I can do to bring him back to me just to tell him one more time that I love him more than anything. Going to his gravesite does not bring me any comfort, he is not there to answer me, he is not there so that I can hold him. We never told Garrett that his cancer was terminal, Darrell did not want him to know. I always will wonder if that was the right thing to do. Maybe there is something that Garrett wanted to do or say before that stupid infection set in. I know that we took him to Disney World again because he said that he wanted to do that, but we never gave him the chance to know that he was going to die no matter what the doctors did and to tell us what he really wanted to do.

I worry about Kyle and Caleigh. I have the rest of my life to miss Garrett, but they have a longer time to miss him. I was talking to my cousin a couple of months ago, he lost his brother when he was 12, he said that there had not been a day that had gone by that he had not thought of his brother. So Kyle and Caleigh have all of their lives ahead of them to miss him. Life's not fair.

All of the other families that we have gotten to know during this time that have children with cancer, their children may be okay now, scans are good, thank God, but they have the rest of their lives to worry. I don't know which is worse, missing someone that you loved so much or having to worry everyday if this monster will come back.

Life's not fair.

I am sorry for being so down, there are alot of things going on that are good, but today I was just thinking I missed him so much and life's not fair.

Hopefully next time I post I will be more upbeat, but right now I can't be. Please forgive me and God bless you. All of your words of encouragement do help. I don't know if you have noticed or not but we have almost reached the 100,000 mark on Garrett's website for visitors. Thank you all for coming here to hear our story and praying for us.

Thursday, April 21, 2005 8:50 AM CDT

Hello All! Again, I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update. Things seem to happen so fast and before you know it the day is gone. First, Caleigh had to have a CT scan the other week. She had unexplained ear pain and Dr. Enders could not find anything on the outside that would cause it, so with our history she went ahead and ordered a scan. Caleigh did so well. She stayed nice and still and did not even have to have any kind of sedation at all. Afterwards I took her to IHop and then we went to visit Garrett. Caleigh had been given a little gold medal for bravery during the CT and she left it there for Garrett. He has his new headstone there with a vase and Liz Burton had left some flowers for him so Caleigh just hung the medal on the flowers. Then she wanted to play in the fountains! She kept coming back to me and lifting my sunglasses to see if I was crying. Her scans are normal thank goodness. I think this might be a way for her to get attention and I am going to be putting her back in therapy.

As some of you know I have been having a very hard time just wondering if Garrett is okay wherever he is at. I mean this thought would go through my head every minute of every waking moment. Now I know he is okay and I will tell you why. Some of you may not believe in this, but I do and really that is all that matters. About a month ago I had mentioned to my neighbor that I was thinking of trying to get a telephone reading by John Edward, but it used to cost something like 300.00 and I did not know if Darrell would appreciate that. I just told her that I thought this was the only way I could make sure that Garrett was okay. Well, a week later she told me that John was going to be in Dallas the next weekend and some of her friends were going to be going. Well, of course I went to look online for tickets and the Saturday gallery was sold out and the Friday gallery the cheapest tickets I could find were $260 and if I was going to go I would have taken Dee with me and to purchase both her and my tickets, gas, meals etc. would have cost over $600.00 and I knew Darrell would not have gone for that. The next Thursday morning my neighbor calls me and tells me that one of the ladies that was going to go from the neighborhood had decided not to go and there was a long story to that to which I have been told that I have not yet heard half of it. But she wanted to know if I would like the ticket for $125. Of course I said yes but would have to ask Darrell. Darrell did not give me an answer until he was walking out the door for work and told me that he did not believe in it but if I felt I really needed to go that I could. This was a big thing for him because he would have to watch the kids all weekend by himself and I think he has only done that once. In the end I did take Caleigh with me and she had a blast. But anyway, I called Dee to see if it would be okay to stay with her and if she could watch Caleigh for me Saturday night and of course she said yes. The gallery was for Saturday night and I went to Dee's on Friday, the whole time just talking to myself saying that all I wanted to know is if Garrett was okay and asking him to come through for me. Well, I got there and was supposed to meet with the other ladies and found them right away. You have to understand that you do not fill out any information, you just come on in and sit down and remember my ticket was in someone else's name. There were about 400 people there wanting to hear from loved ones that have crossed over. The gallery was from 7:00 to 9:30 and we heard some wonderful stories and some not so wonderful. It was getting late and I thought oh well, I tried. John read about 15 people that night. All at once he said that I am being pulled back to the back over here and he started pointing my way. He asked who has the brain tumor? One woman that was beside me grabbed my hand and the one on the other side put her arm around my shoulder. I just raised my hand. All of the sudden there is a microphone right in front of me and John says that there is a young male energy related to a brain tumor, that at one time we thought we could operate but that option was taken off the table. I just said yes. He said that there is a Florida connection and that it is a happy connection, yes, the name starts with a G or J, yes, there is another young male energy there with him that the number 12 is important to him, yes, and at that time the lady in front of us starts yelling that it is her son, being the one that the number 12 is important to and she proceeded to go on a five minute speech without letting John say hardly anything, (the other ladies and I thought that she just really needed to hear something about her son and she was reaching for anything that she could) I just sat there and let her go on. Then John says, going back to the lady in the purple, your son says he is sorry that he did not make it to Hawaii but he wants you to know that whatever trials and complications that it took to be here, you were meant to be sitting where you are sitting tonight and you were meant to be here tonight. And then he ended the gallery session and answered two questions and that was it. I was crying, the ladies beside me were crying. Garrett made sure that I heard from him and to let me know that he was okay and that he took all of his memories and love to wherever he is at. And that is all I needed to know and it felt like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

With that all said, I have to thank the ladies (you know who you are) for being there and thank you for letting me be there. Please remember that we did not fill out any cards or anything before the gallery reading and you all know that I do not refer to Garrett's cancer as a brain tumor, but that is how John Edward would picture it in his mind. And then to get all of the other points right on the nose is amasing and I can only believe that it was Garrett coming through to let me know that he is okay.

So now I am feeling better and not worrying every minute and I can get on with my life and finally get my house clean! I even got all the thank you cards filled out from when people sent donations to the FUN Fund that I could not do before. I planned Caleigh's and Kyle's birthday parties, I even weeded the garden without crying. I am just so happy to know that Garrett is still Garrett and he is with his friend and that they are okay.

We were planning on having a Friends with Cancer meeting at my house tomorrow but it looks like it is going to storm so Wendy is going to reshedule it. By the way, thanks Wendy for taking Kyle to the Relay for Life and thank goodness you guys finally found Modock! I hope to be better on updating, please forgive me if I am lacking in that. Give your kids a hug and a kiss and let them know everything is going to be okay.

Monday, April 4, 2005 9:32 AM CDT

I am so sorry that it has taken me this long to update. Every day seems a little better than the last, not to say that I still don't have those real bad days. Our Easter was good. We decided to have it here at the house. Usually we used to go to Grandma B's house but with both her and Garrett gone this year we decided to change our tradition. The kids had a great time, we put Hero clicks in Kyle's eggs for him and money in Caleigh's, we are getting out of the candy stage. I found some purple Calla Lilies at Home Depot and thought that Garrett would have loved them. He always helped me plant my flowers every year. So since he does not have his permenant headstone yet I potted one of them and took it up to his gravesite and left it there for him. We also cracked confetti eggs over the grave for him and Caleigh had drawn little bunny faces on five of them, one for each member of the family, and we left Garrett's there for him. I am kind of mad at the cemetary people, the last six times that I have been there the fountains have not been working. That is the main reason that we picked that spot so that Garrett could hear the water all the time, he love the water so much. So this last time I did have to go and complain about it.

I went to Toys R Us the other week when they were having a sale on all the board games, buy one get one free, so I decided to go ahead and buy games for the clinic and the green floor. You should have seen my basket completely full of games, it was overflowing! People would comment on it and of course I would have to tell them what I was doing for the clinic, two people asked about information on how to give to the FUN Fund! I have always said that it never hurts to ask about anything, so I asked for the manager of the store and told her what I was doing for the clinic and she told me that if I got a non-profit status that Toys R Us would match anything that I bought at the store for the clinic! Not only that but they have what they call the G Zone every week and she said that they have a lot of items that are left over, like games and crafts that they have opened up and cannot sell because they were opened up, and they do not have a non-profit in the area to give them to, they have been donating them to area daycares. She told me that once I get my non-profit status that the FUN Fund would be put on the top of the list and they would call me first to see if the clinic needed the things and would give it to us. Well, I understand that it takes a while to get your non-profit status so I asked Baker Harrell of Youth InterACTIVE if we could temporarily go under their non-profit status and he said that would be no problem!!! See, it never hurts to ask! So now I have to come up with a letterhead for Garrett's FUN Fund. I was also able to go to Office Max and have a stamp made with Garrett's signature and will be able to make more bookmarks to sell in area stores and 100% of the proceeds will go to the FUN Fund!

Caleigh said that Garrett helped her the other day at a birthday party. He helped her find clues to a game! I am so jealous that the kids can see him! When the Holy Father passed away I prayed that he would find Garrett and take him under his wings and then I prayed to Garrett that there was probably a lot of activity up there because Heaven was about to accept a very loving, caring man and that he should go up to him and politely introduce himself to him! I hope that they found each other.

We had a terrible hail storm here the other day and I got so upset! I had waited to plant all my new plants until I knew there would not be another freeze and so I planted them all the other weekend. The whole time I was doing it I was talking to Garrett and explaining to him why I had picked these plants this year. Well, the hail storm leveled all of them! They were so beautiful and now they look like sticks. I put Miracle Grow on them hoping that they will come back very soon. But I cried when I first saw them, not because all that hard work seemed to be wasted, but that the time that I spent talking to Garrett seemed to be ruined. Always when we had planted before Garrett would check on the plants every day and tell me how many had flowers on them or if they needed to be watered. Now they look so terrible and I think Garrett would be so disappointed.

I have also begun writing Thank You notes to all the people that have sent donations to the FUN Fund and sent flowers right after Garrett died. This is the hard part. It is like I am living him dying all over again. It needs to be done, but it is so very hard, so please, if you sent money for the fund or flowers please understand why it has taken me so long to do it.

Again, thank you all for reading and signing Garrett's guestbook, I read them out loud so that he can hear them! Know that you all have your own personal Angel up there to talk to and to watch over you. Hug your kids and if you have room in your garden, plant a Gerber daisy there for Garrett, it was his favorite!

Monday, March 14, 2005 9:24 AM CST

Hello Everyone! Things are starting to get back to normal around here, if you can call my household normal. Darrell has gone back to work and the kids have gone back to fighting one another. I have been trying to find the get up and go to get my house cleaned, but have yet to find it! I just have the blahs I guess. I still think of Garrett quite a bit all day long. Last Monday was a horrible day for me, I could not stop crying and just being mad at the world in general. I have talked to some friends that have lost loved ones and they say that this is normal and to just go ahead and shout and cry and be mad. Garrett is still my waking thought and the last person that I think about when I go to sleep.

The FUN Fund is going well. We have enough money in there to present the clinic with 1,000 worth of stuff every year on Garrett's birthday (June 16) for the next 12 years!!!! I have talked to Cynthia and Mary to get their wish list together for this year so that I can start shopping. I am also going to be going to local toy stores to see if they will match some of the funds so that we can give these kids more. So if you are in the Austin, Round Rock area and know someone that could help out with that please let me know!!

We also had our first meeting with Baker Harrell from Youth InterACTIVE about the program that we think we are going to call Garrett's KidSTRONG Program. Baker has to talk to his lawyer and LAF's reps to see if that will be okay. What do you guys think of that name? LAF (Lance Armstrong Foundation) has invited us to apply for a grant to get this started but we will still need to find funding to hire a full-time person to apply for more grants and to start scheduling projects, activities, etc. We are hoping to have this program hit the ground and running in September, which is great timing since that is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. If you have any ideas please let me know.

I do have a chilling story to tell you. I am up in Dallas right now visiting my friend Dee and her family. Dee really wanted me to go to church with her this Sunday to meet and thank all the people there that have been praying for Garrett and our family. I have not been to church in over 20 years unless it has been for a wedding or a funeral, but I wanted to thank these kind people. We were backing out of the driveway and from nowhere there was this little boy at the car window on my side. I lowered the window and he gave me a book, I asked him what it was and he said it is a Bible and then he walked away. Dee and her kids did not know who this boy was, he was not from the neighborhood and they had never seen him before. That just sent chills down my spine and has to have some kind of meaning.

I want to thank all of you for still visiting Garrett's site and signing the guestbook. It is so nice to see how many people still keep him in their prayers and now you have your own personal angel. I know Garrett is hard at work up there but still having fun. I miss him very much.

Saturday, February 19, 2005 7:17 PM CST

This darn computer is so slow. I don't know if it is my computer of if it is because so many people have signed Garrett's guestbook but it takes forever to come up, so please be patient.

Caleigh tells me when she sees Garrett. She said she sees him in the hall at school, the bed laying down and on the monkey bars. I just ask her if she talked to him and she will say yes and she told him that we loved him and he said that he loved us. Kyle told me that he saw Garrett and Alex walking together and talking about Pokemon. I hope that they really do see him and I wish with all my heart that I could. I miss him so much.

There is so much to do, thank you cards, cleaning of all his medication cabitnets, etc. I just cannot find the energy to do it. I find myself thinking about him all the time and wondering where that connection that we had when he was here has gone. I always thought that I would be able to feel him even after he left us but now I feel empty. Not to say that Kyle and Caleigh do not keep me busy and that I am here for them, but Garrett was different, we had that connection that cannot be explained, it is just there. Even if we did not go through this journey that we went through Garrett and I had that connection.

Allie Booth, I just found your poem to Garrett in my purse the other day and if you would could you pleasen post it in his guestbook? It was wonderful.

The Central Texas Make A Wish marathon was going on this weekend and I was thinking how Garrett would have expressed himselfn on the radio. He had such a great time at Disney and I am so glad that we were able to take him again before he died. If you have the means, please give to Make A Wish, sometimes it is the last thing these kids can do. We took Garrett on his birthday in June when we thought everything was okay and then when we found out he was terminal in Nov. we took him and Kyle and Caleigh on our own and they all loved it.

I miss my Garrett and I appreciate all the entries in his guestbook of thoughts and prayers. I remember when he would read them and then we would look on the map or globe to see where you were at.

Please keep Garrett in your prayers and thoughts and thank you for letting me share this with you.

Tuesday, February 8, 2005 7:56 AM CST

It has been a week today that we lost Garrett, it seems like a lifetime. His service Saturday was wonderful, all the friends, family and care givers that came to say goodbye. I was so very proud of Kyle who stood up in front of all these people, just like he did at Grandma B's funeral, and told everyone how much he loved Garrett and what a good big brother he was and that he knows that Garrett will be looking out for him forever. Dee was a huge help to us and especially me, she stayed the whole week with us and went through every step with us, Thank you Dee. We have a terrific support group here, our neighbors that have been with us ever since Garrett was diagnosed have been wonderful. They have been doing a lot of the errands and supplying us with coffee, meals, paper products and much love and sharing of their memories of Garrett. There are not enough words of thanks that I can give to these wonderful people, especially Susan Thompson and Debie Barone, they worked together to keep everything straight and saw that we were lacking nothing. Debie even made a banner for Garrett that the Boy Scouts carried on their annual march to the Capitol and then they retired the Pack 404 American flag for Garrett and brought it to him for his funeral. The Austin Police Bagpipers played at his graveside, thank you, it was beautiful (and I must say it was cold and these guys were in their full bagpipers uniforms so an extra thank you and I hope you warmed up fast). Gisella said the 23rd Psalm at the gravesite and she did a terrific job. She is only nine years old and said it without faltering and loud and clear so everyone could hear.

Some of you have requested that I post his obituary, but instead I am posting what I read for him at his service. People kept asking me if I would be able to read this and I told them that it is the least I could do for Garrett and only his mother could read it with the meaning it was intended for. Garrett gave me the strength and ability to do this for him.

Garrett blessed us on June 16, 1995. At first he did not want to seem to come into our world and he took a lot of pushing, but once he was here he stole our hearts. Being our first baby, we held him like a fragile piece of crystal, but Garrett was anything but fragile, through his nine years of being with us he showed us more strength and determination than any of us could ever imagine.

Our first six months together were not easy, Garrett had colic and reflux. I remember having to put him on top of the dryer so that we could try to break up those nasty gas bubbles in his little tummy. Darrell would take him jogging in the stroller at 2:00 in the morning so that Garrett would go to sleep. Whenever you saw me, I would have a burp rag on my shoulder and the essance of formula as my perfume.

Things eventually got easier and Garrett was such a pleasure. He was always quick to smile and when he looked at you with those bright blue eyes with that little twinkle in them, you just had to go give him a kiss and a hug.

When Kyle blessed us on June 30, 1997, Garrett was so happy. He was now a big brother. And Garrett was a great big brother, he would watch out for Kyle all the time. Garrett knew that you were not allowed to go into the street and he would guard the end of the driveway so that our daring Kyle would not be able to go out there. Not to say that they did not fight like brothers should, but they always made up and loved each other so much. They are each others best friend.

Then the blessing of Caleigh came to us on May 6, 1999, a little sister. Garrett, being 4 years old now, was the wise and experienced big brother and helped his mommy take care of his little sister. There were lots of hugs for her, because as Garrett would say, "She's a girl."

When the three of them would go out with us and someone would come up and say what a lovely family, Garrett would proudly tell them, "I am Garrett and this is my little brother Kyle and my little sister Caleigh."

Darrell instilled in Garrett that reading is the road to knowledge and taught Garrett to read at a very early age. Garrett would read Dr. Suess books at the age of three all by himself. From this gift of reading Garrett grew to be a straight "A" student and excelled in reading points at school.

Garrett was also a great friend to many. He has made a life-long friends, such as Gisella, who I know will love him dearly all of her life. He has so many best buddies that even through his illness he loved to play with. Max, Sam, Alexi, Tyler and Cody for their sword play. Mark, Jacob, Alex and Corey for gameboy. Cory, Casey, Megan and Ryan for all kinds of fun. Trampoline time at our house could sometimes seem to get dangerous but it was all in fun. Garrett was also involved in Boy Scouts, Pack 404, and had a great time with Den Mother Debie Barone and all the other boys. He especially loved getting the Boy Scout magazine, Boys Life, and took great pleasure in reading all the riddles and jokes to me any anyone else that would listen to see if we could get them.

Of course every child loves the Holiday season for different reasons, Garrett's love of the Holiday's came with visiting his family at Grandma Burnham's house and being able to play with his cousins and friends. His favorite time of year was summer. He loved to be able to go swimming every day that he could and was so proud of being able to swim all the way across the pool by himself.

Our world changed in June 2003. Garrett was diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma. His tumor was located in such a place that made it impossible to operate to remove it. He lost the use of the right side of his face and his hearing in his right ear. Even through this Garrett was able to adjust and showed me his strength. There were too many operations to count, he would joke with the nurses and say that he has already tried all the flavors of the sleep gas, he did not like the watermelon, but did like the bubblegum.

His chemo treatments took us to the hospital at least once a week and he got to know so many of the good people there. Dr. Wells, Dr. Schaffer, Dr. Lockhart and Dr. Sharp. His special nurse, Nurse Hanna, Jennifer, Anne, Lori, Laura, Mary, Raquel, Shay, Cynthia and so many more. They all made it easier to have to get medicine. His radiation treatments seemed like a cake walk compared to his chemo treatments. Dr. Brown and his staff always had a smile for Garrett and loved him dearly. Garrett was proud of his Yu Gi Oh and Spiderman masks that Dr. Brown made for him. Dr. Slater, the cool doctor - all the people that were involved in Garrett's journey grew to love and admire him.

Garrett was still able to have fun while going through his treatments, he made more friends that were going through the same thing he was and they had a kinship. He participated in Candlelighters, Camp Discovery, the Lance Armstrong commercial, for which he was extremly proud of, the Ride for the Roses and so much more.

Even though Garrett was not able to attend school because of his low white blood counts, he made the "A" honor roll with the help of his loving teacher Ms. Cheri. He enjoyed so very much having his time with her and being able to amaze her with his knowledge.

This past Holiday season we were lucky enough to have our family members come visit while Garrett was feeling well. Garrett really enjoyed playing with his cousins Shannon, Shane and Nathan and being able to hear stories from his Aunts Christine and Cathleen about things his Mom did when she was young.

Garrett has touched so many lives. He has had countless people praying for him and he appreciated that so much. He will always know that he was loved and care for and that we will hold him in our hearts forever.

Through all of his illness Garrett showed me strength, love, trust and patience. I have learned so much from this amazing nine-year-old boy. I am very proud to be able to say that I am his mother. He is the love of my life.

Tuesday, February 1, 2005 10:04 AM CST

My Hero left us early this morning. He was just so tired here on Earth and God has other plans for him in Heaven. I know that Grandma B was the first one to greet him with a big hug and kiss. It is hard to tell you what I am feeling, there is much sadness but also knowing that he no longer has to fight for every breath and that he looking down on us and knows how much we loved him and we are so proud of him. His brother and sister are doing okay and they even helped pick out pictures. All of my kids are good kids and they followed Garrett's example. Garrett touched a lot of people with his kindness. He was polite even at the end when he asked his father for a drink of water, please. I hope and pray that all of you will remember Garrett, for those of you that were able to know him you knew his gentle manner and wisdom beyond his years. For those of you that were his friends, remember him for his spirit and that he treated all of you as best friends. For our family, remember him for his hugs and smiles and love. For those of you that have only gotten to know him through this journal, I hope I did my best to describe him so that you felt you had met him. Garrett was one in ten million, a jewel among pebbles.

My Hero is gone from this Earth, but will forever be with me.

February 2, 2005

What a hard day we had today. We had to go to the funeral home and make arrangements. It was heartwrenching for Darrell and I. I think we did a good job picking out a spot for Garrett and we decided to go ahead and get places for Darrell and I and Garrett will be resting between us. There are fountains and reflecting pool nearby with a lovely lane of trees. We spent time going through photos and so many of them brought smiles and tears. Garrett was a lovely baby and toddler, with white blond hair and a quick smile. Then when he got older he kept that smile and just turned darned handsome. We are so lucky to have had him, he could not make any parents in the world prouder than what we are.

Services will be held on Saturday, Feb. 5, 2005. Visitation will be 1:00-3:30 with services following right after in the chapel. His burial will be right after the service. We are trying to get a place big enough for the reception and will probably have it catered by Rudy's BBQ (Garrett's favorite besides pizza). All of this will happen at Cook-Walden/Capital Parks in Pflugerville. 14501 North IH-35, Pflugerville, Texas 78660 (512) 251-4118. They have blocked off two service times for us and we will be the last service of the day because we are expecting so many people that have cared and loved Garrett.

I have had people ask if there is a memorial fund for Garrett. I have stated one called the Garrett Burnham FUN Fund. All proceeds of this fund will go exclusively to the oncology clinic at Children's Hospital for toys, games and arts and crafts for all the children that have to go there to get treatment. Garrett had been waiting for them to get a Game Cube in there so that he could bring some of his games in to play, so I know that will be one of the first things I get for them. These kids go through so much and all they want to be is normal kids, which they can't because of the effects of chemo. I will also see if I can get area arcades, like Gatti Land or Austin Park and Pizza, to open up early one morning every other month so that the clinic kids can go play without worrying about getting sick from someone else. The account is set up at Coupland State Bank, 3750 Gattis School Road, Suite 150, Round Rock, Texas 78664 (512) 310- BANK.

If you would like, I would also suggest making a tribute to Caringbridge, without this a lot of you would not have known about Garrett and so many others. This is a wonderful way to let people know what you and your family are going through and we have received so much support from all of you through Caringbridge.

Thank you to all the doctors, nurses and staff at Children's Hospital, Austin Cancer Center and Dr. Slater. You took such good care of our Garrett and he knows that you loved him.

To all of our neighbors and friends that have been with us throughout this, there are not enough words to express our thanks. You have been there from the beginning and are here at the end. Without all of your support I don't know if I could have made it through this. You will be forever in our hearts and Garrett knew that you loved him so very much.

To our friends here on Caringbridge, thank you for all your words of encourgement and support. Garrett loved hearing from you and then looking on the map or globe to see where you lived. He got pretty good at it and would have aced geography because of it. To have poured your heart out to someone that you have not even met and to care about him says that you have a good heart. Please continue to visit other children and give them your support and encouragement, and you can always say that your friend Garrett is with you too.

Thank you, everyone, for all that you have done for Garrett. He was a special boy and will always be My Hero.

Sunday, January 30, 2005 7:01 PM CST

Colleen asked me to update the web page for her this evening.

Garrett did not have any seizers yesterday evening or today. He has been moved to the green unit (room 311). He is on oxygen and a morphine drip. His heart rate and blood pressure are still very high. He is not very responsive, but if anyone would like to stop by to visit with Colleen or Darrell, that would be appreciated.

Right now, Colleen and Darrell are thankful that Garrett is not in any pain and that he is still hanging in there.

Caleigh and Kyle visited Garrett at the hospital yesterday.

Please keep Garrett and the whole family in your prayers!

Dorice Thompson

Friday, January 28, 2005 8:09 PM CST

Hi Everyone, Wendy here, Colleen is on her way back to the hospital. Garrett is still in PICU, he is continuing to have small seizures. The doctors are working on getting them under control & then they will be able to move him to the Green Unit. Colleen feels that once he is back on the Green Unit, he'll feel more comfortable. He has also started having headaches & they are now giving him Morphine for the pain.

Please continue to keep Garrett in your prayers & also his family. Colleen & Darrell have some tough decisions ahead of them. Right now, they are thinking that if they can get the seizures under control, then they might go ahead & bring him home. He will still be fighting the infection, but he will be home w/his family. They would be able to have Hospice care for him & make him as comfortable as possible. They also need to talk to Kyle & Caleigh. So far, they have been distanced from this by Garrett being in the hospital. Please pray that they will have peace w/their decisions. Also, I am asking that you pray for Colleen. She has had little to no sleep these past few days. She is running on adrenaline & when she is home, she is having a hard time falling asleep. Plese pray for strength & that God will continue to guide her as she is driving back & forth.

Colleen has asked that a special THANKS go out to Boy Scout Pack 404 for the balloons & teddy bear that they brought over. She loved it & thought that it was so sweet of you guys to do that.

Everyone has been wonderful in helping the Burnham family. I cannot tell you how much that means to them to have so much support. I know that God will bless you all for helping & praying. Thank you.

I will update again, if Colleen calls. Otherwise, she'll update as soon as she can.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005 8:38 PM CST

Hello All! Well, last night was my night to stay with Garrett. We gave him steriods to see if they would wake him up a little bit and they started kicking in this morning. He is more awake, but is now throwing up his meds when he takes them by mouth. We are going to try to give him Zofran before his meds to see if he can keep them down. His eye seemed more red today and when I massaged his tear duct there was puss coming out. I just do not know why he can't fight this infection. His wbc is good and he is on meds for it, but it just seems to be hanging in there. Garrett actually sat up today in a wheelchair for more than 30 min. but he also got sick. He did a little bit of leg excersises and when he had to go get an MRV he had to go to the bathroom. He got out of the chair himself and walked to the bathroom. To a lot of us that seems to be so little, but to Garrett that was something else. Here is a boy that has really not been out of bed for three weeks and gets up by himself!! Darrell said that when he was done, Garrett walked up to the MRI table by himself and got on. What strength is that?

We got Angel Mail in the hospital, thank you Angel Mary Laura, it was a page full of bird riddles. Garrett laughed at them and then told them to Dr. Wells when he came in. We also got a card from someone we have never met and are friends of our friends the Zubers. Thank you so much for taking the time to think about Garrett.

My Mom's birthday is the 28th and I am planning on taking her out tomorrow for dinner since it is my time to be at the hospital on her birthday. Thank you Wendy for taking Kyle and Caleigh so that we can go to dinner.

We are going along and hoping to get Garrett home soon. We may have to make some difficult decisions in the mean time, but if it means getting Garrett home we will do it.

Thank you all for keeping in touch and signing Garrett's book. It took a couple of min. for it to download on my computer so I don't know if it is because so many people are signing or if my computer is just too old!! But keep it up, I don't care if it takes an hour, just to see how many people love and care about Garrett and our family is amazing!! Thank you so much.

Sunday, January 23, 2005 12:34 AM CST

Hi Everyone. Wendy here, Colleen called & asked if I would update Garrett's page for her. Garrett is still in the Green Unit at Children's. He is still running a low grade fever & has developed another infection. The doctors are trying to rule out several possibilities, an abcessed tooth, conjunctivitis (pink eye), a blocked tear duct, or an infection in the radiated area. He just had a Dental X-Ray & Colleen & Darrel are waiting for the Opthamologist to talk w/them. I will update as I get more info from Colleen.

Kyle & Caleigh are doing fine. Shawn & I took them to the Austin Ice Bats game last night w/Jay & Joshua. The kids had a great time! Caleigh & Jay fell asleep & Josh & Kyle watched the game. Kyle LOVED it. The Ice Bats won, scoring 2 goals in the last 11 seconds of the game. There were only a few fights & 1 injury, but they did escort 1 player from the other team out of the arena! We had a great time & I'm glad that we were able to take Kyle & Caleigh. Thank you Colleen. The tickets were donated to the Clinic. Thank You Cynthia, for calling, & Ice Bats for donating the tickets.

Please continue to keep Garrett & his family in your prayers. He has fought so hard for so long & really wants to go home. His family want him to come home & I'll admit it, we're ready for him to come home too!

Colleen, thanks for letting me update.

Hello All. This is Colleen giving you the latest update. Garrett does have a tear duct infection, but that may not be the only problem. We still have not heard the results from his xrays about the tooth. Garrett is comfortable, does not seem to be in any pain. He is just sleeping a lot. Dr. Schaffer said that the infection that he does have is just centimeters from his brain and could go into his brain at any time. She asked us if we wanted any life-sustaining actions taken if Garrett should lower his SATS or his heart go awire. We told her yes, until we find out what is going on with the infection and where it is coming from we would want him to be sustained. We seemed to have come so far forward just to be pushed back so many steps. Darrell is very saddened and I am beside myself thinking maybe we pushed too hard. Right now our goal is to get him home and to be comfortable. He seems so weak and that is not my Garrett. He has had so much done to him these last three weeks and the nurses are still amazed that when they give him Nystatin (which most kids hate) he still swishes until you have to tell him to swallow. They say that he is the best patient that they have ever had. He is such a good boy and wants to get better. Some people tell me that I am so strong to be able to go through this, I have to tell you that my son is my rock. He is the one giving me strength and as long as he is fighting, I will fight right along side with him.

Saturday, January 22, 2005 8:46 AM CST

Hey Everyone! Well, I did not have the flu and was able to stay with Garrett Thursday night and most of Friday! He has been approved to eat soft foods now and we tried a little applesauce. It was funny, LeQueshia brought in six little bowls of it! I don't think he can handle that much but he did eat a couple of spoonfuls. We had him up and walking a little bit and then took him around in the wheelchair in the Green unit. When we passed by the nurses' station all of them greeted him with big smiles and way to go. That made him feel better. Dr. Wells was thinking that he might be able to come home on Sunday or Monday, it all depends on what meds he will be on and how much I can handle of it. It will be hard but I would rather have him home and I think he would improve faster at home. There are more things to see and get into and do so I think he would start moving around more. He looks good, the swelling has all but gone away. His eye still has some puffiness but hopefully that will go down over time. His lungs look clear on the xrays and they have told us that the more he moves around the better for his lungs. When I left yesterday I noticed that he had turned on his side sleeping for the first time in over two weeks. I take that as a sign that he is doing better because that is the way he usually sleeps, all curled up on his side with one hand under his head and the other tucked between his knees. I am going to take some video of the puppies today and take them up there for him to see. Give him something to work forward to going home. Darrell is going to be taking Kyle and Caleigh to the Ice Bats game tonight. I am not a big hockey fan and it is always a little too loud for me. Kyle loves hockey when he does watch it, he likes seeing the fights (boys will be boys). Caleigh just likes to go to hear and dance to the music, for a 5 year old she can really shake her booty! The J's are going so I think it will be good for Kyle to be with the boys and I know that Wendy will just love having Caleigh there. Hopefully I will get a better idea of when Garrett is coming home and be able to let you all know. I plan on having a big banner on the front of the house and filling his room (it will have to be my room because I don't think he will be able to get up the stairs) with ballons. I will just be so happy to get him here, especially since two weeks ago the doctors were saying that he was not going to make it. My son has worked so hard and fought so much he deserves a hero's welcome home. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers and visiting his site. As soon as he is able I am going to sit him down so that he can read them all (it will probably take a couple of sittings). I don't know if you realize it but you have been a big part of a miracle. I am still asking for a bigger miracle, but it never hurts to ask. Thank you again and I hope my next entry will be to let you know that he is coming home.

Monday, January 17, 2005 6:45 PM CST

Hey Everyone! Well, we are on the "Green" unit now. That is the area where all the children with cancer go. At least we are out of PICU. I am a little scared being there, in PICU we had our own nurse, now we have to share one with a couple of patients. Garrett was completely worn out by the time we got up there. He also started running a fever again. It looked to me that his throat was a little more swollen than in the morning, but maybe I am just paranoid. He has been talking and getting up to the edge of the bed and also sitting up in a chair for a little while. I am also worried about his port. When they changed it the other day the person that did it did not get a good blood return from it so they restuck him right away without stopping the bleeding from the other hole. Well, that hole is still leaking blood. His port has never done this and I am worried about infection. If he did get an infection there it would travel straight to his heart. They have some IVs in his arms so I told Darrell to ask them if they could give his port a rest and deliver his meds through the IV. I will call him later on what they say about that. Also, the speech therapist said that she could not feel enough movement in his throat to warrant being able to feed him by mouth yet. He will continue to get IV nutrition and only be able to take some of his meds by mouth. He was really tired and breathing hard and shallow. He has had a lot of breathing treatments and his lungs look better. Now we need to get rid of this infection completely and have him come home. He is in room 317 at Brackenridge Children's Hospital. I know that some of you would like to come and visit him, but please understand that we are trying to get his strength up and unfortunately there are a lot of bad germs out there that you can have and not be sick, but if Garrett got it, it could kill him. If you feel that you have to visit, please call the hospital first and ask for room 317 and we will let you know how Garrett is doing and if he is up for visitors. I know that if he was feeling up to it, he would love to see you!! We can't wait for the day that we won't have to worry about germs and tiredness, but I know that we all want him to get better as soon as possible. Thank you again for visiting and signing his guestbook. He will love hearing from everyone.

Tuesday, January 18

Hello All! I am sorry to say that I have not been able to see Garrett today, I started running a fever last night and have slept most of the day, taking time when I did wake up to call Darrell at the hospital. Garrett is doing good, he still has not eaten, saying that his throat is still too sore and he has been sleeping a lot. They will not allow me to go see him while I have a fever and I understand but it is killing me. On my way to my doctor to see if I could get antibiotics for what I might have I started having severe chest pains. They even gave me a little pill of nitroglicearn (spelling) to put under my tounge. Dr. Boyd was thinking that this might be anxiety and put me on Zoloft. They took some blood to see if it is the flu and hopefully I will be able to go see Garrett tomorrow. I miss him so much already and feel so bad about not seeing him today, but I know that it is better for me to stay away than to expose him to something else. Darrell said that he was about the same today as yesterday, sleeping, but he did take the remote for the tv and put it on a station that he wanted to watch and opened his other eye by himself today to watch the tv. That in itself is a big deal. We are hoping that he will feel better tomorrow to be able to take a barium swallowing test to see if he can start eating on his own. The poor kid has had nothing to eat in almost two weeks!! If I can't go up there tomorrow I will be taking the kids and Mom and drop them off to see him. They of course will have to wear masks when they go in but they do not have any fever going on right now. I plan on getting some ballons to put in his room. I remember when he was a baby that ballons were his favorite toys. I even bought a tank so that I could just refill the ballons that he had. Garrett is a very special boy and I would think that even if he wasn't my son. I feel privalaged to be a part of this wonderful young mans' life and hope that he inspires others to be nice to one and other. I don't remember Garrett ever saying that he did not like someone. Thank you for all your prayers and words of encouragement, they mean a lot to us.

Friday, January 14, 2005 11:05 PM CST

Hello all you Wonderful People!! I thought I would start a new journal page because the other one was getting so long and to tell you the truth I cried everytime I read what I had written before and I don't want to cry tears of sadness again for a long, long time. I am at this time crying tears of joy. I have read all of your messages and cannot wait until Garrett is awake enough so that I can read them to him. I will have to go buy a whole box of paper to print them all out!! Thank you so much for all your prayers and words of inspiration and encouragement, they do mean so much to Garrett and the rest of the family. We draw strength from you.

Garrett had a tough night last night. He was uncomfortable and running a fever. He does not like that tube in his mouth and becomes VERY frustrated at me when I don't ask him the right questions as to what is hurting him. We finally got it down to it was his throat that was itching after about a million questions. Then I had to tell him that I could not scratch him there because there was a big bandage on his neck that needed to stay in place. Boy was he mad at me! He started kicking his legs and pounding the bed with his fists and finally just started crying. It hurt me so much that I could not do that one little thing for him. So I know that he is very tired of this all, I know I would be. I was able to get the doctor to increase his pain medication so that he would be more comfortable.

He started running fever again tonight and they have also started breathing treatments because his xray showed some fluid in his lungs. Well, thank goodness for our nurse Brian who thought ahead of time and gave Garrett all the good drugs to help him sleep and the fever did go down by the time I left. Hopefully he will have a restful night because tomorrow they will be assessing him to remove the tube!!! They will be looking at the swelling in his neck and do a "leak" test to see if there is enough room around the tube once they deflate some little ballon. If all goes well it will be removed and he can be a little more comfortable. His wbc was 0.7 today so that means it is still climbing. To me his eye looked a little better this evening when I went down there. Dr. Wells thought it looked the same, but I don't think he is looking close enough!! I am measuring in millimeters! Any little bit I can get, I will take!

My friend Dawn came down from Northfield MN last night. She will be staying with us for the weekend. I have to say that she is coming from -30 degree weather (with wind chill) to balmy Texas at 65 and she said that she was chilled this evening!! She even wore her coat outside when I was not wearing mine! She will never live this one down!

I am just so overjoyed to be able to pass good news to you and hope and pray that tomorrow will bring better news. I want to send out a special Thank You to all the people that have added Garrett to their sites, I know that some of you are still going through the pain of losing the ones that you love most and for you to think of us is beyond words that I can come up with. You are very special people and have touched my heart greatly.

Hope to be able to tell you that Garrett has his tube out tomorrow! Good night.

January 15, Saturday:

The tube is OUT!!! They removed Garrett's breathing tube at 12:30 this afternoon. I had to leave the room because I am sorry, I can take a lot of things, but I cannot take seeing my son in so much pain to get better. He of course coughed a lot and had to have his mouth and throat sucked out so many times and he just hates that. Then he started running a fever during all of this. He tried to talk right away and was very frustrated that he could not. Then I finally was able to get from him that he wanted ice cream!! He does not like the oxygen mask that they have put on him and he really wants to get out of bed to use the bathroom. Hopefully we will be able to get him to room oxygen tonight and be able to get the cathider (spelling) out so that he can use the urinal. He does not like having to use diapers to go poop, but at least he is going poop!! The nurse told us that he needed to take a nap and settle down but Darrell just kept talking to him. As I was leaving this afternoon I told Garrett that I would be back this evening and if he needed to to just tell Dad to shut up and I got a real good laugh out of that one. It is good that he wants all of these things off of him, it shows that he is healing. Just telling him that he has to wait a little bit is really getting to him. When he comes out of this fog a little bit more I will tell him that he was granted a miracle and to make the most of it. Again, thank you all for being here and supporting us. Tonight will be a rough night since he is fighting everything, but again, hopefully tomorrow he will be able to understand that we need to take baby steps to get him back the way he was. Tomorrow is my night to stay with him so I probably will not update until Monday. Thanks again.

Sunday, January 9, 2005 5:37 PM CST

Very sad news. Garrett has a fungal infection. It is in his sinuses and throat. That is why his throat was so sore and his fever. He also has some type of bacterial infection in his blood. He is in PICU on a breathing tube. He will probably not survive this infection. Right now I am numb and trying to think of ways that I can tell Kyle and Caleigh about this. I will be talking to them tonight and if they want I will be taking them to see Garrett in the morning. Hopefully we will be able to get in front of this infection enough to be able to take the breathing tube out and Garrett will be able to talk to us. The last thing that he said before he went to surgery was I Love You. Even that was hard for him to say his throat was so bad. We got a smile out of him when I opened some Pokemon cards for him and then showed him that I got him Ono Extreme. That really got a smile from him. Life is precious. Hug your kids a little tighter tonight and tell them that you love them. If anything, Garrett has shown me unconditional love, devotion and the undying thirst for knowledge. Thank you for caring about Garrett and our family and please pray that he is having good dreams and is out of pain.


Tuesday, sorry don't know what date:

What can I say? My little boy has been fighting this infection and is still with us. By some miracle what they thought was a fungal infection and showed all signs of being one, is not so far. The first pathology came back that takes at least two days to grow does not show fungus!! Garrett had surgery today to take more biopsies of the area to see if fungus has started. They also made an 3mm cut in his neck to see if the swelling was dead tissue or viable tissue. The tissue looked good but there was some type of infection there, but they just don't know what kind yet. Garrett is still in critical condition, but is fighting. We need Garrett to now build up his white blood cells to fight off the infection that is in his sinuses and neck. We do not know if the infection has spread to the radiated areas. If so, we are again in trouble. He is still on the breathing tube and will be until this infection goes down. Dr. Wells said that we are cautiously optimistic. Hopefully Garrett's wbc will kick in tomorrow or Thursday. Unfortunately he will be getting more swelling when that happens, but that also means that his body is fighting the infection. He will nod his head or shake his head in answer to pain questions. He will squeeze you hand sometimes to let you know that he hears you. For some reason he answers that way more to Darrell than I. Please pray that this miracle keeps happening. Our little boy is fighting for his life and he is not giving up. He has been so strong and I know that we are asking a lot of him, but he is still here with us. I told him that if we get through this we were going to take him to Hawaii for a much needed rest and vacation. (He had once told me that he wanted to go someplace warm rather than go where there is snow.) Garrett is my hero and will always be. Thank you to everyone that has been praying for him, God must be listening. Thank you for signing his book. I will be printing off pages so that I can read them to him. Thank you to all that have visited or came by, it means a lot to us even though we may not be able to talk to you. Please understand that we need to spend as much time as we can with our son. Thank you to Darrell's co-workers at Austin Police Department for all that you are doing and all the support you are showing. This boy has so many people that care and love him even though they may have never met him. He is a great boy and I am proud to say that I am his mother. Please keep him in your prayers and thoughts, they are working!!

Wed. January 12?

Okay. I think we may have seen our miracle happen!!! The biopsies that have come back so far from Garrett's second surgery show NO FUNGAL infection!! He is not out of the woods yet, but his doctor's think that they have bought him enough time with this last surgery by draining the infections that his white blood count will be able to kick in and he WILL be able to beat this!! He looks like a professional boxer with his eye all swollen shut, almost exactly like Rocky in the first movie when he says just cut me. Garrett is more responsive today. Moving around a lot more on the bed by flexing his legs and lifting his arms. He opened his good eye several times today and answered us with nods or shakes of his head. He moved his lips like he wanted to talk to us and we had to explain to him that there was a tube down his throat to help him breathe and that he could not talk to us. He even smiled at me through all those tubes. He squeezes your hand and sometimes very hard. He is having a problem with gas in his tummy and that seems to really hurt him, we are trying our best to get him to poop, but I know that it must be very uncomfortable for a 9 year old to try and do that while he is lying down. The swelling in his neck has gone down and hopefully after his white blood count comes up and starts fighting this infection we can determine if his neck is going to swell more, if not then we will be able to take the tube out and he will be able to talk with us. He is amazing. He did start crying today, he was scared but I told him of how many people were out there praying for him and love him and to feed off of their prayers and love to get through this. He nodded his head and took a deep breath and relaxed. So all of you do make a difference and are all supporting my son through this. I want to take this time to thank my best friend Dee Scobie for being here all this time. She came down from Dallas Sunday when I called her early in the morning saying that the nurse called me wanting me to be at the hospital so that the doctor could talk to both Darrell and I at the same time. She has been my rock. Also my mother and father. My mother for being here and taking care of everything while we are going through this. My father for practically turning straight around from leaving here a week ago to come back here to be with us. All of our friends and family and many others that have prayed for Garrett and us. There is so much more, like other people that have added Garrett as a link on their sites so that their friends could share prayers for Garrett. This world is an amazing place when you have so many people caring for one little boy. But I have to say that he is one of the bravest, strongest and handsome (had to get that one in) people that you would ever meet (and of course there is no Mother's Pride in there, ha, ha). I just talked to Darrell and he said that Garrett's temp went down. Him having a temp can be a good sign in that his white blood count is coming up and is fighting this infection. He is resting well and hopefully will have a good nights sleep. Miracles happen and you are reading about one now. Please keep your prayers coming Garrett's way and I will update probably on Friday night as tomorrow night is my night to stay with my hero.

Wednesday, January 5, 2005 8:20 AM CST

Yesterday was supposed to be a happy day for us. Garrett was going to have his last radiation treatment. That did not happen. Garrett woke me up at 4 in the morning with a terrible headache. I gave him some Tylenol with codeine and he went back to sleep. He then woke up at 6 and said that his head still hurt real bad, so I again gave him medicine. His color did not look good and he was not responsive to me so I called the doctor. They had Garrett come in. He was so sleepy he could not walk and had to be wheeled in. He took his huge teddy bear that he had recieved at Christmas so it looked like I was wheeling a bear around. Garrett had a CT done and it showed that he had a blood clot between his tumor and brain. I was told that if this clot was caused by the tumor that there was nothing that we could do for him. One doctor even said it might be time for us to decided to have nature take its course. I was somewhat thankful that Garrett was kind of out of it so that he would not see me crying all the time. We then had to have an MRI and veinagram done to see if there was still blood flow and where and if the tumor played a role in the clot. Of course the usual happened when it comes to getting MRIs at the hospital and they kept pushing Garrett's back because he does not need to be put to sleep for an MRI. I was saying why does he have to be pushed back because he is so good at doing them. I finally told the nurse that I was going to get authorization to go somewhere else to have it done, you have to understand we have waited up to two days to have one done in the hospital and I was not about to wait that long to see if my son had just a little bit of time left. Well, I don't know exactly what happened but as I was on my way down to get the authorization, Darrell called me and said they were on their way up to pick up Garrett. I hate being so pushy, but this is my son's life we are talking about. When the report came back we had one doctor saying that the tumor was pushing on the vein at the base but another saying that it did not look like it was near it. So we are waiting on a third opinion. They have started Garrett on blood thinners and decadron to see if the swelling will go down and help get that blood flowing. There is a chance that he will still have a stroke or seizure or bleed out. There was no sign of stroke on the MRI. I talked to Garrett this morning and he is "feeling good, but breakfast still hasn't been sent up." Garrett will be in the hospital for a few days. If he does get to come home, he will be getting two shots a day of the blood thinner. I don't know how he will feel about that. Dr. Wells was telling me about some kind of disk that they use in the office that helps with the pain of the shot, something to do with it touching and stimulating the tissue around where you are giving the shot that you really don't feel the shot. We may have to try that. Garrett is in room 313 at Brackenridge Children's Hospital. Darrell is with him now and I plan on taking Kyle out of school so that he can have lunch with him. I will try to keep you updated on what is going on. Please keep Garrett in your prayers.

January 5, 2005

Hello. Just wanted to let you know that Garrett is feeling better and had some special visitors today. He had Blake Young and his family and Spencer and his family and his brother Kyle and Ms. Ilze. Thank you all for stopping by and seeing how he is doing. Garrett ate some today and was more alert, more like himself. We started chemo again today and will do some tomorrow and hopefully will be home in the afternoon as long as he is feeling well. We will continue to do the blood thinner at home and steriods. I just wanted to thank everyone that has expressed their love and prayers for Garrett, he is truly blessed. Even though he may have not met you he and I appreciate all that you are doing. One of these days I am going to get all those photos developed and scanned in so you guys can see them!! Please keep Garrett in your prayers and all the other kids that need it so much. Blake, we hope that you feel better real soon. Spencer and Family, have a great time at Disney World.

January 8,2005

Well, good news, bad news (it can never be just good news). We went to the clinic Friday early morning because Garrett kept saying that he just did not have any energy and his speech was slurred. He also had a soar throat. We were there until 2:30 then went and had another MRI. This one showed the swelling had gone down and that the vein did have more flow to it. That is the good news. The bad news is once we got him home and he ate a little bit he started running a fever. So we are back in the hospital for a couple of days at least. He is at Children's again and this time he is in 316. Please pray that we get over this soon and he can come home for more than one night and sleep in his own bed. I want to say thank you to everyone that visited Garrett earlier this week when he was admitted. Even though his energy was way low, he appreciated you coming by. The cookies and brownies were great. (after Holiday diet be damned!)

Sunday, December 26, 2004 8:40 AM CST

Happy Day After Christmas Everyone!

We had a very good Christmas here, hope everyone else had a great one too. Caleigh woke me up at 5:00 in the morning asking if she could go into the living room just to look and I told her no. Then our new puppy, yes we got a new puppy, had to go outside (in the very cold morning) and Caleigh for the first time volunteered, because you have to go throught the living room to get to the backyard!! She came back and said, "Mom! Santa came and he left a lot of stuff and it looks like most of it is for me! I must have been a real good girl!" So not only did she look at the tree, she took time to read some of the tags! We were finally able to get Darrell up and started unwrapping around 8:00. You should have heard all the Wows, yeahs and just what I wanted. Their eyes were so big I thought that they were going to pop out. We got some good pictures that I hope to have posted soon. The kids opened the gifts from the Brownies last and they were amazed! I was amazed! The boys got those remote control Tarantualas (spelling) and can't wait to race them. The only thing is you have to charge up the batteries for at least 24 hours so they were not able to play with them yesterday. Thank you Adrian, Allison and Brownies! Angel Robin sent some very thoughtful and cute Build A Bear outfits that the kids immediately put on their bears. Garrett got a Santa suit and doctor's scrubs, Caleigh got an Angel suit and Kyle got an adorable elf suit. I took a picture of them together with the bears and will post that as soon as I can and mail Angel Robin a copy. Thank you Angel Robin!

We were very fortunate to have my Mom and Dad here with us to celebrate and we had a very nice dinner. Uncle David came by and opened his presents and gave the kids theirs and was able to visit for a while. Uncle Jerry and Aunt Katherine stopped in to say Hello. Then our friends Ilze, Jeff and Grandma Edie came later on in the evening to have leftovers. Gisella (Ilze's daughter and Garrett's friend since he was 2) came earlier in the day and spent the day playing with the kids. Caleigh went and spent the night with her last night. I finally ran out of gas about 8:00, so I gave Garrett his nuepagin (spelling) shot and went to bed early! Kyle must have stayed up late because he just now got up and it is 9:00 in the morning.

Garrett is still coughing so I am still giving him breathing treatments. Hopefully when we go to the clinic tomorrow his lungs will sound better. We start chemo again for the next two weeks so I am very glad that he had a great Christmas because he is going to start feeling bad soon. My sister, Christine, will be coming January 1 to visit for a week and I hope that Garrett will have the energy to play with the cousins. We also go back to radiation on Monday through Thursday (they have Friday off) and will continue until January 4th.

So even with the busy Holiday weekend, it was much more relaxing than running to the clinic and radiation everyday. It was a nice break and I hope to enjoy this last day and try to clean up after the tornado of gifts yesterday. I think the kids will have to empty their toy boxes of old toys that they do not play with anymore just to fit the new ones in. I hope that they don't think that it will be this way every Christmas!! Even though we are praying that Garrett will be okay we had to remember that this might be his last Christmas with us and so we went way beyond our limits (especially with the puppy) because I just could not deny him anything. And of course what you do for one you have to do for the others!! Anyway it was worth it and the kids had a great time. I think there was only two or three fights this year, which is a record. Usually someone is crying every half hour because someone did something either to them or took their toys. So all in all they were good!

Again, Thank you to everyone who has helped us out this year and Thank you to everyone that has signed Garrett's guestbook. It means so much to him and for you to take the time to read my ramblings on and then to sign his book. I think that even we are here on Earth, there is a little bit of Angel in everyone and you show that by taking time out to give a little boy encouragement to fight this monster that has taken over his life.

I hope that everyone will have a Happy and Safe New Year and I will post those photos as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Sunday, December 19, 2004 8:44 AM CST

Hello Everyone,

It is with a sad heart that I write to you that one of Garrett's clinic buddies, Alex Dierking received his wings last week. Alex was a wonderful young man and wise before his years. He was only 8 years old but to have a conversation with him was like talking to an adult with a great sense of humor. Not to say that he did not like to play his games, he did and he took them seriously. Please pray that Shelia and Doug and the rest of Alex's family get through this very hard time and to remember all the good things about Alex (there were so many) and that Alex made a lasting impression on Garrett and I. We will always hold him close in our thoughts, hearts and prayers.

Garrett has pneumonia, that is one of the reasons he could not go to Alex's funeral. He has been coughing so much that it hurts now. I took him into the clinic and we have him on a breathing treatment and antibiotics. Thank goodness there is no fever (knock wood). His white blood count is down to 0.9 so he really has nothing to fight this with. We go back to the clinic tomorrow and will see what his progress is. This next week Garrett is off of chemo but will still be getting radiation every day. Then the following week he will be back on chemo for two weeks in a row. That will continue to be the pattern, two on one off until radiation is through on January 4. Then we will have an evaluation. As long as Garrett is tolerating this chemo well, I think we will continue it until at least the second week in February, when I believe we will have an MRI and PET scan to see what the tumor looks like. Hopefully the darn thing will be dead!!! I hate to think if it is not.

My father will be getting here tomorrow and will be staying until sometime in January. My older sister, Christine will be getting here on January 1, and wouldn't you know it, her plane will be coming in during the Texas UT Rose Bowl Game!! Well, hopefully that will mean there will be no traffic to deal with since everyone else will be at home watching the game, unless of course you are an A&M fan (just kidding)! Darrell and Kyle are the biggest UT fans! Darrell will even start yelling at the tv if the refs get a call wrong, and I mean yelling. I think that during these games, and you have to understand that Darrell and I have been together for 18 years now, that the only time I have heard him yell that loud was during football games. He gets so worked up that I have to laugh at him. When Garrett was a baby I learned to either take Garrett somewhere during the game or at least make sure that he was not sleeping because he would scare him with his yelling. Now Garrett and Kyle join him even though they don't know what they are yelling at. When UT gets a touchdown the boys and even Caleigh will do the Longhorn sign and wave their hands to the Eyes of Texas Are Upon You song that the band plays after each score.

Now I have to say that I have been terrible in keeping up on this website. I read past journals and was appalled to see that I forgot to write about the wonderful Christmas Party that First United Methodist Church of Pflugerville provided for some area cancer kids, Garrett and our family included. Briana, Dana and the Youth Group of this wonderful church got together and provided us with dinner and presents, and even Santa! The kids were just overwhelmed with all the outpouring of love and kindness. Joe Scruggs was there and recorded everyone singing (off key) and is putting together a Christmas record for us. We also had some of our buddies there, Jacob and his brothers, Spencer and his family, and Morgan and her family. We had not seen Morgan in a while and she looked so beautiful.

I would also like to thank all of the hard work done by Susan Thompson, a neighbor, for setting up meal deliveries, pizza fund and cookies and brownies. All of these wonderful people are taking time out of their busy schedules to help us out and we are most thankful. I know that my schedule is hectic especially now taking Garrett to radiation every day, but these people are doing this out of the goodness of their hearts and it amazes me how many of them there are. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Also, Brownie Troop 1517, Adrian, and Allison, thank you for the gifts that were delivered. We have not opened them up yet, we are saving those huge boxes for Christmas morning, so if you happen to hear three children screaming wildly, it would be mine when they open those gifts!

There are just so many people to thank for all that you have done for our little family and for Garrett. Sometimes Garrett will get real down and say that he has had a terrible life, but them I remind him how many people care for him and are praying for him and he will start to nod his head. I think things are all starting to wear him down, especially losing his friend Alex and just a little while ago his Grandma B. He does not like to be accessed for a week at a time and sometimes he does not want to get up to go to radiation. But then I tell him that all of these wonderful people are behind him in spirit and will be pushing for him to get better.

Also, thank you to our Chemo Angels, you do an awesome job and it brightens up Garrett's day to receive Angel Mail!

If I don't get back here before Christmas, please everyone, have a great Christmas and a safe one. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.

Colleen

Thursday, December 9, 2004 8:51 PM CST

Hey Everyone! Okay, we just got word that Garrett will be having 17 treatments of radiation, which is more than I thought he would so this is good. We have been able to have home health care come out this week and probably next week to give him his chemo. He will still go into the clinic on Monday and Tuesday. The irinotecan calls for two weeks on two weeks off. Garrett just told me a little while ago that his stools seems to be watery. If he has another one I will give him medicine. We had pictures developed from years gone by that were on the disposable cameras and I just cried. Some of them were from Easter before he got diagnosed the first time and to look at him you would never believe anything was wrong with him. He is such a good looking boy and a caring person. My goodness why does this have to happen to him!! Right now I am sad and mad at the same time. I am happy that my family is being able to be here but mad that it has to do with this cancer! His scans came back and the only cancer that he has is the tumor that cannot seem to be operated on and that they cannot use the proton beam on. He does not have any other spots that have to be treated so why can't they help my little boy!!?? His brother and sister love him so much and they are going through what I could never imagine going through, they are so strong. I cannot imagine going through life with such a huge burden as they will probably have to go through. I never lost a brother or sister, I lost a cousin but we were not close and it was not to cancer. I lost two babies through ectopic pregnancies but nothing can compare to losing someone that you have come to know and love as your own. I am not giving up, but the odds are against us and I am trying to deal with that. My son means the world to me. We have a special song by Sammy Kershaw "You are the love of my life," that I used to dance with him to when he was a baby. Garrett had colic very bad and he was up for hours on end and we would dance to that with him in my arms and he would finally go to sleep. Garrett is an exceptional young man in that he is always thinking of other people. When I told him that I was going "power shopping" today for Christmas he told me to make sure that I got something for the clinic. He said that he wanted to get a new Operation game for them since the game that they had was missing parts. He did not say to make sure that I got him anything. This is a nine year old boy and he did not want to say what he, himself wanted for Christmas, he wanted to make sure that other people had something to do for Christmas. This is the way he has always been and will be until the day that he goes to Heaven. He is a good boy and we want him to be around as long as possible. We will fight and he will fight to live. He is an amazing person and he has shown me so much love. My little boy has grown up to be more of a man than most 30 plus men are out there. And the funny thing is I think he knows it. He knows that the most important thing in life is to be able to love someone unconditionally, with all of your heart, and he does that. I know my son has a place in heaven and I hope with all of my heart I will be able to join him. I wish all of you could know Garrett the way that we know him, he is a special boy even without this cancer. He is one that you would think could bring World Peace without any countries feeling that they have come out with the wrong end of the deal. He is always thinking of others, not himself. I know that being his mom I may be a little one sided on this, but if I had met this young boy in the grocery store and had to listen to what he had to say I would have told this young man to make sure that he ran for President when he became of age and I would vote for him. My son could become anything if he had the chance. I just want him to have the chance. I pray for him to have the chance.

Thursday, December 2, 2004 9:00 AM CST

Hello Everyone! We are back from Children's Hospital after all of Garrett's new scans. You will not believe this but we had to wait a whole day for an MRI scan and they came and got him at 11:30 at night to do it. Then we find out that they did not do the right scan!!! Cathy from Dr. Brown's office had to set up a new scan at ARA stat so that Dr. Brown can start planning his radiation treatment. It will take at least a week to map it all out because he wants to be very precise. He is planning on hitting the new growth with a higher amount of radiation than the old tumor, but also hit the old tumor with some. It is going to be a very tough balancing act but we know Dr. Brown can do it. I talked to Dr. Wells last night and we will be starting his new chemo on Monday. It will be a five day chemo so we will be going into the clinic everyday. Then it will repeat in two weeks. He will also be getting another kind of chemo every week. Dr. Wells also said that Garrett would be considered having a zero chance of survival but then he went on to tell me about a boy that he had treated several years ago that also had a zero chance and he is still with us. I really think Garrett has the right stuff and he will fight with every fiber in him to beat this cancer.

On a lighter note, my sister is coming in from Germany tomorrow and she is bringing her youngest son, he is 11, and they will be staying until the 14th. I hate that Garrett will be at the clinic for most of their stay, but we have to do it. My mother is also coming back, she will be here next week. We have the Candlelighters Christmas party to go to tonight and Garrett will be able to see his buddies. We are an unofficial club called Cancer Sucks and our motto is We Are Busy Kicking Cancer's Butt! So I know that he will be having fun tonight. Then we have a wonderful church group in Pflugerville, the First Methodist Church, that is going to be having a family get together for some of the area cancer kids and their families. They have put together a dinner, games and gifts and support for several of our families that are busy fighting this monster and we just don't seem to have enough time to just sit back and relax and have fun. I appreciate these people going out of their way to make sure that the kids have a good time and their show of support and kindness, even though they might not think it is a great deal, means so much to our families. These kids need to be shown that it is not just the people that they see everyday that are helping them fight cancer, but people that they have never met before that are praying and care for them. Just like when you sign the guestbook, I showed Garrett all of the notes that everyone has left and his jaw just dropped! I told him that every one of these people have taken the time to read about you and are sending you good thoughts and praying for you to get better. I said there is even one from New Zealand and he asked me where that was, and me being the ever vigilant teacher, told him to go look at the globe and try to find it and write down the longitude and latitude to show Ms. Cherie his teacher that someone from way over there is writing to him. They are studying the globe and this is a good lesson for him.

Anyway, thank you all for signing his guestbook and a special thank you to all of Allie's Friends that have come to visit. Also a special thank you to Garrett's Chemo Angels, he really enjoys getting things in the mail, he says it is like Christmas or his birthday every week. His teacher is here now so I have to go.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004 6:34 PM CST

Okay, here is the game plan. Garrett is going to be admitted to Children's Hospital on Monday to get new scans and bone marrow aspiration. He will also receive his chemo of irinotecan and vinorelbine. I do not know the protocol as of yet, but Dr. Wells will be able to fill me in on Monday. We will also be seeing Dr. Brown, the radiologist on Monday to get that started, if we have not heard from Loma Linda or Boston General by then. I am keeping my fingers crossed to hear from them. I am so tired from researching everything and making phone calls, but at least we have started something else. Garrett is not ready to give up and we are not ready to give up on him. Everyone has been so wonderful. It is amazing how many lives Garrett has touched, I had no idea that so many people from so many walks of life could come together to help Garrett and our family. There are just so many people to thank and not enough time to do it, so please understand if I have not returned a phone call or a letter or an email. I have to focus on Garrett right now, and not only Garrett but Kyle and Caleigh and Darrell. I am trying so hard to keep everything as normal as possible but trying to get Garrett into a different treatment and proton treatment that I am always either online or on the phone with doctors or somebody who may know somebody that can help. We are lucky to have friends that I have been able to invite ourselves to their Thanksgiving dinner so that I did not have to spend the time to cook a whole dinner. This one will be hard in that it is the first one without Grandma B but we will be going to Ilze's house and they are just like family. The kids love Ilze, Jeff and Gisella and I know we will have a great time. Garrett is planning on taking the poker set that Aunt Christine gave him and playing some poker with them. He taught Gisella to play the other day and this morning when I woke up the two of them were playing poker at the kitchen table. I took them all to Build a Bear today and they all got a bear with the new LiveStrong bands for the stuffed animals. They had a great time and have already picked out outfits for Santa to bring the new bears. I let them pick out one accessory for each bear and Garrett, Caleigh and Gisella picked out sunglasses and Kyle picked out a brush. When you build a bear, you put a wish heart in each one, I am positive that they all wished for the same thing, that Garrett will be able to beat this cancer even though the odds are against him. So if you plan on getting a bear, get an extra heart and make a wish for Garrett. I have to get going now, I am tired and I think my fingers are actually swelling up from all the typing that I have been doing during the last few days. Again, thank you for all you thoughts and prayers for Garrett, we need them more than ever now.

Thursday, November 18, 2004 11:08 AM CST

Hello. We just got back from Disney last night and the kids had a great time. The house that we were able to rent was wonderful and had its own pool. The kids only went swimming once because they said that it was too cold!! My sister, Christine, was able to come up with her family and stay one night and we went to Epcot together. It was nice seeing them again and they are thinking of coming up here for Thanksgiving or Christmas. My mother has returned home to Florida, we probably passed her in the air at one time while we were flying back. She will be coming back here in December.

Well, I have some terrible news. Garrett is now considered terminal. There is nothing that they can do for him at this point. The surgeons said that he would not survive surgery. At this point in time we do not know how much time we have left with Garrett. There are some options that we need to speak with the doctor about and we will be seeing him tomorrow. Right now Garrett is doing good, he is still pain-free and continuing with homebound schooling and fighting with his brother and sister. We have not told him or the other kids yet. We do not want to have to tell him until it is obvious. I think he already has an idea though, he is such a bright young man and he sees that mom and dad are sad. I just hate the idea of losing him, my heart aches and I never thought it would hurt so much. It is so hard trying to be normal around him when you know that this is not going to last. I am hoping that we can get him to his 10th birthday which is in June, but that is asking a lot. I would rather get him to his 70th birthday but that is not going to happen. I wanted to see him grow up, get his first car, his first girlfriend, a family and grandchildren but he will never have any of that.

When we were at Epcot we went into a little shop in the Germany part and he said that it smelled like Grandma B. Then he started crying and I asked him what was wrong and he said that he missed Grandma B. I told him that he would see her again and he said no that he would not. I then told him that Grandma B would be the first one there to meet him in heaven and he calmed down after that.

What do you do when you know your child is dying and there is nothing that you can do to stop it? I wish every one of you that has not met Garrett could have done so. You would be amazed. He has fought so hard to try and beat this monster and still be a kid throughout the whole ordeal. All he wanted was a normal life and I can't give that to him. I feel that I have failed him somehow. Did we do the right things, the right way? I don't know. Right now the future is bleak and I am trying to find a way to have enough strength to carry on with everyday actions. It is hard.

Thank you for keeping Garrett in your prayers.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004 5:48 PM CST

Hello all. Bad news, good news. We still have not heard from the doctors in Houston, on if the surgery is possible or not and how mutilating it will be. Chemo is out of the picture now, Dr. Wells says that it will not accomplish a cure. The good news is that we are going to Disney. We have already had our Make a Wish trip, but since Garrett wanted to go again, we will max out all of our cards to make it so. I am sorry to have to deliver such bad news with his status, but please keep in mind that he will be having the time of his life in the next couple of days.

Sunday, November 7, 2004 6:50 PM CST

Again, I have sad news. We got the results from Garrett's MRI/MRA on Thursday and his tumor is progressing even while being on chemo. We have talked to the doctor and he is going to be consulting with another doctor at MD Anderson to see what we can do next. Unfortunately, that doctor was out of town and would not be returning until Monday morning, so we have to wait and see what we will be doing next. Dr. Wells says there is one more drug that we can try, but to tell you the truth, he did not sound very optimistic. I am not saying that he said that this drug is not known to work, but you know how some people talk and you just get this feeling. I will also be asking him about radiation again and if there is nothing here in the United States, if there is somewhere else that we can go. Also, on his MRA, his right artery is working perfectly (something that we did not want) so that will mean that if we do get to a point that we can have surgery, he has a higher chance of having a stroke during that surgery. I already know that we will have to go to Houston for that surgery because the pedi neurosurgeon here will not operate on Garrett with his artery working.

Garrett has not been told this news yet, so if you happen to run into him in the next couple of days, please do not mention it to him. We would like to see what we are going to do and where we will be going before we tell him.

He is doing fine. He had to have a blood transfusion on the day that we had the MRI. So that was a very long day. He was supposed to have chemo this Monday but since that drug is not working at all, we have decided not to put him through it until we find out about the new drug. Hopefully we can get the new drug on Tuesday, the more we wait the bigger the tumor gets.

The school had its Harvest Festival on Friday and the Brownies held a bake sale for Garrett. They did a super job and are to be given a huge pat on the back for all the work that they did. Garrett, Kyle, Caleigh and Gisella (a long-time friend of ours) were able to go and Garrett took pictures with the Brownies and Girl Scouts. The Brownies raised 855.00!!! They should be so proud of their accomplishment. And we will be forever grateful.

The Girl Scouts had a candle sale and let me tell you it was hard just getting to the table, there was so many people there. Garrett even got to pick out a candle for me (he remembered and picked out Sweet Pea) and there was this wonderful topper that they gave to me. I do not know the results of that fund raising, but I saw one woman with 10 candles in her bag! These girls are just wonderful. One little girl came up and gave me a big hug and I just started crying. To have all these people open up their hearts and find ways to try and make our lives easier and better is just undescribeable. I had no idea that Garrett has touched so many lives, I mean, I know he is a terrific kid, but I am his mother and that is what all mother's think about their kids. He was very gracious to both the Brownies and Girl Scouts and remembered to say Thank you and you are doing a great job to each and every one of them, and I did not even tell him to do that.

My friend Dee came down from Dallas to see us. She is just heart-broken. She was in the room when Garrett was born and took his first picture. The kids call her Aunt Dee even though she is no relation. But she might as well be, she has been here for us over the years and the kids love her so much. She does not realize how much it means to me to have her here with us, I may not talk much about the things that are going on with her, mainly because I know that it will upset her and she will start crying and then I will start crying and then the kids will ask what is wrong. Just having her here is a comfort. We were able to get out of the house on Saturday night and we went dancing. Darrell and I have not been dancing in years! He was kind of in shock when we dragged him on the dance floor for a fast song and he was dancing with not one, not two, not three, but four women!! Thanks Dee for giving us that night.

We should know what is going to be going on by tomorrow. I don't know if I will post it right away, but be assured I will post some time next week. Thank you to everyone that has visited Garrett's site and left encouraging note. Thank you also to Garrett's Chemo Angels, he enjoys getting things in the mail, by the way, my birthday is 10/21 also. I am sorry that he has not written you back in person yet, but he plans to do that very soon.

Friday, October 22, 2004 8:02 PM CDT

Hello everyone. Well, it has been a very stressful week. Thank you to everyone for your prayers for Grandma. Garrett had to go straight from the clinic from getting chemo to his Grandma's funeral. It was hard. He and the other kids really loved her so much. I was so very proud of them all. Kyle, who is 7, even stood up when the pastor asked if anyone would like to say something about Lois and he said in his wavering voice, "I know my Grandma loved me and I loved her and always will." That just brought me to tears. He has come so far in letting us know how he feels about everything that is going on and for him to stand up in front of all those people was braver than some of the adults. And he was not afraid that he was crying at the same time. We should all take that to heart and realize that even if you have fears, if you loved someone enough, you will let the world know. Garrett took it hard, he cried quite a bit, but I was also very proud of him when he asked to go see Grandma one more time before they closed the casket. He said his goodbyes and touched her hair and brow and bravely walked back to sit down. I appreciate the pastor who came up to each of the children and spoke to them and said that we are going to be saying some nice things about your Grandma now and that will make you feel better. I did not take Garrett or Caleigh to the burial, it was getting too hot, but from what I was told Kyle was a great help to his Uncle David. They had a very insightful conversation about memories of Grandma. We had a gathering of family and friends at Grandma's house afterwards and the kids acted like normal, they played and ate, it was like Grandma was just in another room resting. I could not have had a better Mother-in-Law. Lois was kind, generous and most of all caring. No matter how bad she was feeling, she would always ask how Garrett was. I am glad that Garrett got to see her in the hospital before she passed. She was saying Thank the Lord that Garrett was feeling well enough to come see her. Darrell saw her the night before she passed away and he said that she had asked about Garrett at least four times even though there were tears in her eyes from the pain she was having. I know that I and my children are better people for knowing Lois Burnham and we are grateful that she was such a huge part of our lives. Things are going to change now, and it will be hard at first. No Thanksgiving, no Christmas, no Easter and Grandma's house. But we carry on. One of my fondest memories of Lois was that she made Garrett's first Halloween costume that I still have hanging in the closet. She made him a pea in a pea pod and how excited I was to show her him in it. We tricked and treated around our neighborhood and then took Garrett to her house so she could see him. She loved the kids so. She was very proud of the way Garrett was fighting his cancer and thought the world of him for doing so. I will miss this wonderful lady, but hope to carry on her caring for others like she did with so many others. Lois, please watch out for Garrett and you will be forever in our hearts.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004 6:33 AM CDT

I have some very sad news and am sorry that I was not able to post this earlier this week. Garrett's Grandma Burnham died Monday, October 18. Her heart was too weak and gave out on her. I am glad that I was able to take Garrett to see her last week, he was shocked and saddened by the way that she looked, but at least he got to see her before she passed on. Lois was the kindest person I have ever met. I can honestly say that in the 16 years that I have known her, she never had anything bad to say about anyone. I can't even remember ever seeing her mad. She was very active in her church and believed that God would take care of us all. She took up my slack in praying for Garrett and was very proud of the way he was fighting his cancer. I am going to miss Lois and so are the kids. We love you Grandma B and God be with you on your new journey. Please keep a watch out for Garrett, I know you will because you loved him so much. Garrett now has a personal Angel looking out for him.

Monday, October 11, 2004 5:29 PM CDT

Hello All! Just wanted to let you know that Garrett is doing well. He had 2 units of blood on Friday and they were thinking that we would need platelettes today but his counts came back on their own, yeah! We saw a lot of friends at the clinic today, C'Kristin, Adriana, Spencer, Alex and Mark. Garrett played Life with Mark and his brother Edward and won! Thanks Missy for having them play the game! Garrett will be going to have his 5-day chemo next week and we are going to try to go to the clinic everyday and then bring him home every night. I hope that everything will go all right. If not, we will put him in the hospital.

Several people have asked about the candles, Briana Roehling, I tried to email you the info but for some reason got your email back saying it was undeliverable. So here is the information: Kathy and Jennifer Ilgen jilgen@ev1.net and her number is (512) 218-9752. I hope that will help you.

Believe it or not we have no more doctor's appointments this week except to take Kyle and Caleigh to get their flu shots! Last week we went to the doctor's office four times! So this is going to feel like a vacation. Hopefully I will be able to get things done around the house with all this "extra" time!

Hope everyone is doing well.

Tuesday, October 5, 2004 11:26 AM CDT

Hello all! We are back home now. Garrett did very well in the hospital and I was surprised. The biggest problem was to get him to do his homework. We had several visitors while we were there and Jacob F. came to battle Pokemon and play games and watch a movie. Gisella came to visit and they watched Scooby Doo II together. Mary from the clinic picked Garrett to be in a picture for Skippy's Hideaway Online Shopping, so you guys check that out. I have not seen it yet, don't even know if it is up yet or not. Garrett got to get autographs from some of the UT football players, Darrell I think was more excited than Garrett, but a real nice player, David Pino, made sure that Garrett got all of the guys autographs since Garrett was still hooked up to his chemo he went around and asked all the guys to sign in for him. I still think Dusty is so cute!! Last year Caleigh was with us and he said that he wanted to take Caleigh home with him. I told him I thought he was too old for her, but he could still come home with us!!

We had our clinic visit yesterday and Garrett's wbc was 0.3, so I can't take him anywhere until the Nuelasta starts working. His skin feels very hot to me, but he is not running a temp. I am hoping his counts will come up before this weekend because we are planning on having a sleepover with some of the guys from the clinic. I think that would be a lot of fun. We also saw Alex D. at the clinc and he and Garrett battled Pokemon for a long time. Those wireless connectors make it a lot simpler for the guys to battle and trade.

Well, I have to go now. I am off to court to take care of that appeal from the renters. Wish me luck so that we can rent this house out again.

Saturday, September 25, 2004 10:28 PM CDT

Hello All. Well, Garrett is in the hopsital, room 302. He had his first round of the 5-day chemo and seems to be doing okay. He has not eaten since breakfast but is not throwing up. Darrell's mom is still in ICU and I have no more information on her as of yet. My mom's house is okay. They lost the dish that dad had just put up again and lost some shingles on the roof but that is about it. A funny thing did happen though, last time when the hurricane went through it took the top to the smoker, dad thought, oh, well, you can't use it anymore without the top so he threw the bottom part out. Well, this hurrican brought back the top. What are the odds of that happening? Hopefully the top can find the bottom at the dump and they will be happy together again. I just thought that was a little funny. Garrett will be having his surgery on Wenesday and he will also be having that weight put back in his eyelid. They will be doing a pathology on what they remove. Keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

Monday, September 20, 2004 9:32 PM CDT

Hello! Well, we thought we were just going in for blood counts today. Garrett came to me this morning after his shower and told me that he had to show me something. What he showed me was an "unearned" bruise about the size of my hand on his side. Well, we showed that to Hannah and Dr. Wells and were told to be ready to stay the rest of the day. Sure enough, his counts were low and he had to have a blood transfusion and platelettes as well. The good thing is that he slept through much of it. We saw Spencer and his Dad and Kristy and Ariana. Kristy was on the news tonight talking about how Chili's is giving all it's proceeds from today's business to Children's Cancer Research. Too bad that they did not air that a couple of days before so that people would plan on eating there today. It was pretty exciting seeing the filming of it though. Garrett has been running a fever also. I am pretty sure that it is his ear. I will be calling Dr. Slater in the morning to let him know what is going on. We were supposed to have a sleep over with two of the J's this weekend but they somehow got the stomach flu. Hope you guys are feeling better. Maybe we can plan for it in the near future. Darrell and I have decided to admit Garrett on his next chemo. It will be for 5 days straight and I just don't know how sick he is going to get, so I thought it would be better this first time around to have him in the hospital in case he really gets sick. He is already getting real dry lips and has been picking at them and making them bleed. It seems that this time around everything is happening alot faster in that he lost his hair withing 2 weeks of getting his chemo and now having to have transfusions. Hannah had said that it is probably because these chemo drugs are alot stronger than the other ones that he had received. I just hate having to go through this again, or I should say having Garrett go through this again. I sometimes think that it is not fair that an innocent child has to go through this when there are so many more bad people out there in this world. And why is our government spending so much money on war and political ads instead of spending it on research to make these kids better and so that no one else has to go through what they are going through. I am sorry to get political like that, but you know, neither one of those guys are going to get my vote because of all the millions they have spent on themselves, getting their name on the airwaves instead of really helping the people that they are trying to get the votes from. It just makes me mad! Anyway, off of my soapbox. I just want to thank everyone that has been helping us out. The Girl Scouts are having a fundraiser in our area for us. They are selling candles and 50% of the sales will be going towards Garrett's medical expenses and Gold Candles will be matching whatever the girls raise. So if you are in need of candles just email me and I will forward the email that I got from Kathy Ilgen about the fundraiser. Tricia thanks for the meal on Wens. the kids and I really enjoyed it. The picture that is posted now is of Garrett and his sister Caleigh when they were filming the Lance Armstrong commercial, which Garrett did not make the final cut. I don't see how he did not make it, he is such a good looking boy! We should be getting our family pics back this week and I will scan one in and post that. The family pics were taken the weekend before Garrett started loosing his hair, you won't recognize him with hair! Thanks again to everyone that has been signing Garrett's guest book. He loves to read them all.

Sunday, September 12, 2004 8:48 PM CDT

Hello!
I am so sorry for not updating this sooner. Things just seem to be going by so fast. Garrett had chemo on Tuesday and is doing well. He has basically lost all of his hair. He had been getting sick and has not eaten very well but he at a grilled cheese sandwich today and was able to keep it down. We went to Dr. Slater on Friday. Dr. Slater is the skull base surgeon that did the original biopsy on Garrett. He told us that nothing was inoperateable, but the problem lies in what damage will be done when they do operate. He is very dedicated to Garrett and will do good by him. He told me that no matter how long it takes, he will make sure Garrett will still be Garrett when they finish. We will be having an angiogram to see if the corated artery is still functioning on that right side. He told us that it would be better if it was not suppling blood to his brain and that the left side was taking up all the slack because during surgery, if the right side is still functioning he may have a stroke. Then again, he still may have a stroke from the surgery anyway. He was surprised that Dr. Wells had Garrett on a 33 week protocol and was going to talk to him about it. He was under the impression that Garrett was going to be having surgery earlier than that.

I want to thank Suzi for the meal on Wen. night. It was great. I also want to thank Cathy Morgante for the wonderful gift of the pictures and Denise Richie for her wonderful photographic eye and talent, also for the gift of the pictures. Denise I think you have captured our family like no one else has. If anyone needs photos please get in contact with her before she leaves for Singapore. She is really fantastic and can work magic when needed. I can't wait to get the pics so I can mail them out and put them on the wall! I just wish there was a way that she could make me look thinner and younger!! (Don't we all)

Shauna, it was good to see you and Spencer in the clinic the other day. Spencer is really coming along great with interacting with other people. I remember when he would not say Boo to anyone and now he carries on a conversation with me. He is such a good looking boy and your daughter is absolutely breath taking. She paints so well!

We are in the process of getting all the kiddos in counceling. I think Kyle needs it more than Caleigh, but I am really worried about Garrett. He has state on a couple of occasions that he wanted to die and that he did not like his life as it was. It is so hard to hear that from a nine year old.

Mom and I went to Mom's night out sponsored by Candlelighters. We had a wonderful time and was very relaxing. Harley's mom, I am so sorry that I did not recognize you. I realized who you were after we left and Mom and I were talking about who was there. It is so hard for me to put people together without the kids there. I am terrible about remembering names and faces. Please forgive me.

Wendy, the boys had a great time today. I hope that your boys had fun too. I am so glad that we have you and your family. Jeffrey is so funny. He can be so hard headed at times but if you reason with him he will give in. That is a sign of advanced intelligence. Better watch out for him in politics.

We go in for blood work up tomorrow. Hopefully everything will be okay. Garrett still has his freckles so I think his blood levels will be all right.

My parents' house was okay after the hurricane even though they took a direct hit. There was some tree damage and fence damage and they lost the satelite dish (no tv for Dad) but the house was sound. Now we have Ivan to worry about. I have been looking at the news and I think that they will be okay.

Please keep Garrett in your prayers and all of our friends that are going through these trying times. I wish I could say that we are all going to be okay, but I can't, we can only wish for the best for all.

Thursday, September 2, 2004 9:45 PM CDT

Hello! What a week it has been!! Garrett went on a field trip today with Ms. Dunham. Then we all had lunch together at Spaghetti Warehouse which was great. Garrett has a nagging cough that is going on now. He had that the first time he had started chemo and on the second or third chemo he ended up in the hospital for a week because he had not eaten in two weeks. We will see what happens this time, but I am expecting the same thing. Thank you to Ashley, Cathy and please forgive me but the person that supplied dinner this week. These neighbors have given us dinners and desserts (spelling) for the last two weeks. Boy Scout Pack 404, WOW, they sent us a gift basket with all kinds of certificates and cash to help out. What wonderful people there are out there. These boys and their families helped us decorate our house last year at Christmas and they are still giving to us. Krassy, thank you so much for the box springs, Garrett feels so grown up with a big person bed now! Now, I must ask for your prayers in another way, my mother, who has been staying with us to help us out, her house is about to be hit by the hurricane that is headed for Florida. My father is still down there, but will be going to my sister's house in West Palm Beach for safety (if you can call it that since WPB is going to be hit also). My mother's house is in Port St. Lucie Florida which is located 10 miles south of where the hurricane is supposed to hit land. As if our family has not have enough hard times we are faced with this. Please pray that her house holds up during the storm and that everyone will be safe. We are so worried about them all. Please pray that these people will have the wisdom to get out of harms way and will be able to carry on in their lives even though they may lose material things. There is so much more in life than to worry about material things, they can be replaced, a life cannot be replaced. Again, thank you all for your prayers, gifts and good thoughts. Garrett will be having his next chemo on Tuesday and it will be only the one day chemo with fluids at home for two days afterwards. We will be having an MRI two weeks after that. Please pray for at least a 50% shrinkage in the tumor. Take care and have a safe Labor Day Weekend.

Friday, August 27, 2004 10:18 PM CDT

Hello All! Well, Garrett finally ate. He is eating maybe one meal a day which is better than he was doing before. He is still getting sick in the morning. I have been sick with a terrible cold with fever so I had to stay away from him, which is hard to do. His counts were good at the doctor's office this week. I still cannot figure out how to do those counts. Maybe this time around I will get it. Garrett received box springs for his bed today. Thank you Krassy for the box springs and thank you to Susan, John and Rich for getting them to us. Garrett feels all grown up with a big person's bed now. The neighbors have been great here, all wanting to know what they can do to help Garrett beat this again. I did not realize how many lives Garrett has touched and what it means to them to be able to help. If you had known Garrett before his cancer you would describe him as a very pleasant, well-mannered, good-looking young boy. He is still all of that and more. He has grown beyond his years but still wants to be that little boy. Unfortunately he can't. He has to face this terrible cancer with as much force as an adult would. He has to fight even more than adult would have to fight because he still has his whole life in front of him. He is thankful for the friends that he has and will make throughout all of this. Jacob, you have become a best friend to him, a comrade in arms. Please help him fight this as I know he will help you fight this. Okay, now I am getting all misty-eyed. It is a very hard thing being a cancer mom. I don't want to be known as that. I want to be known as Garrett's, Kyle's and Caleigh's mom that love them and want them all to be strong and healthy. But for some reason we were dealt these cards and have to play them. Garrett's speach is getting more slurred and he can no longer close his right eye all the way. I am thinking that the tumor is still growing. I will be calling the doctor first thing Monday morning. We do have some good news.... Ms. Dunham will be Garrett's teacher again this year for homebound schooling. I am so glad that we were able to get her. She works so well with Garrett and Garrett trusts her and loves her. The only thing different this year will be that Caleigh will not be home to involved with Garrett's lessons since she is in kindergarten this year. Well, I better go, have lots of things to do. Be sure and kiss your kids tonight and tell them you love them. That is what I am going to do.

Monday, August 23, 2004 10:00 AM CDT

Well, we are home from the hospital. Garrett got out on Saturday afternoon. He had his chemo on Thursday night and is pretty sick. He really has not eaten since then. He has been getting sick and is afraid to eat thinking it will make him throw up. I have tried Zofran, sometimes he gets sick afterwards, sometimes he does not. We are trying to get homebound schooling in line as fast as we can. We will try to have his school days as Tuesday and Thursday mornings. It will be hard when he has that five day chemo. I guess we will just have to miss school and get the assingments and do them at the clinic. He will have scans in 6 weeks. Pray that we have shrunk the tumor at least 50 percent.

He is feeling a little better today. He still has not eaten, but he is playing on the computer, School House Rock cd. Before this he was just pretty much sleeping all the time.

Thank you to everyone that has signed his guest book. They are real words of encouragement and we appreciate them so keep it up.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004 8:59 AM CDT

Garrett is in the hospital. He went in Tuesday afternoon. He will be having his port a cath put back in on Wed. morning. Also he will be having two bone marrow biopsys and a lumbar puncture. Thursday he will have full body scans to make sure the cancer has not spread anywhere else. Then we will start his new chemo that afternoon. He is expected to be in the hospital until Friday or Saturday. Our only hope is to shrink the tumor as much as we can so that we can have it removed. Garrett is doing okay right now, when I talked to him on the phone he was watching Pokemon. It will be tougher this time around and we are just hoping and praying that this tumor will shrink enough to be able to be removed. I will try to update this on Friday after we have the results of his body scans. Keep Garrett in your thoughts and prayers. We can do this again.

Sunday, August 15, 2004 6:26 PM CDT

We have some terrible news. We were told Friday, August 13th that Garrett's cancer has returned. The same tumor has started to grow. We will be starting all over again, including having surgery to put back the port a cath that we just had taken out two weeks ago. I am still numb and very mad. My parents are on the way here and should be here on Monday. Garrett will probably only be able to go to school a couple of days before we start the surgeries. He will have radiation and chemo again. I still do not know all of the details but the doctor is supposed to call me tomorrow with the protocol. Please keep Garrett in your thoughts and prayers. He said to me "Mom, I beat this cancer before, I can do it again."

Tuesday, July 27, 2004 7:19 PM CDT

Hello All!! Garrett made it through surgery with flying colors! His port-a-cath is out and his weight for his eye lid is out. He can close his eye on his own now!! Dr. Slater said that it was amazing how much movement that Garrett had gotten back in his face and that he was so proud of him. He also said that it is hard to get close to patients like Garrett because the outcome is not usually as good as Garrett's. He also has a son that is the same age as Garrett and he could not even think about what it would be like going through what we did. But the hard part is behind us now!!

I want to thank everyone for their prayers and support during this trying time. We still have five (yes, 5) years of scans and doctor's appointments, but that is nothing compared to what we have been through.

I am still trying to figure out how to do this photo album thing and am sorry that it is taking me so long. We are having problems with our current renters in Pflugerville and they have so far taken us for over 2700.00. Where is the justice in this world? I am sorry for being so mad at them, but by gosh, haven't we been through enough that we should not have to put up with dead beats that are trying to beat the "system."

Anyway, we (I) am looking forward to school starting August 16, 2004, 7:30 am!!! Kyle is going to be going to Camp Grey Dove on Aug. 10-12 and he is so excited about it. He is sad that Josh cannot make it this year but you have to be 7 before you can go.

Thank you for everyone that has signed Garrett's guest book. We enjoy hearing from you and are glad that we can report such good news to all of you. You cannot imagine how happy I am that Garrett is doing so well and seems to be his "normal" self again. I swear I have to break up at least 10 fights a day between him and his brother or sister!!

Well, Lance did it!! I found out that I was able to get OLN on my tv and watched all of it live! Garrett's commercial aired at least every half hour during the bike racing! They switched to a shorter version but everytime I hear that music I run to the tv to see it. We are so happy for Lance and the Lance Armstrong Foundation. With this exposure they have already sold out of the first 6 million Livestrong bands!!! All, and I mean all, of that money goes to cancer survivor programs and research. I heard one announcer say that it has become a fashion statement to wear the yellow band. We are looking forward to when we can welcome Lance home as the Lance Armstrong Baseball Buddies and thank him for all that he has done.

Again, thank you for your prayers and support and friendship, we cherish them greatly. Special Hello to my sister Cathleen who just found out about Garrett's website in Germany. Welcome Home Randy!! Thank you for all that you have done for us and our country. Randy recently came home from Iraq and we are so relieved that he came home safe and sound. Hello Brad and Nathan! Your mom is supposed to send me pictures to show me how much you have grown. We hope to see you soon!!

Colleen

Saturday, July 17, 2004 9:11 PM CDT

Hello! Sorry guys, I am just not a computer kind of person and I can't seem to get the Disney photo album up on the web. Hopefully I can get someone near me that can help me. Garrett went to Camp Discovery this weekend and had a great time! I was really missing him, but it was kind of nice not having the fighting between him and his brother. Wendy, Jacob's mom, had mentioned that it was kind of nice not having the fighting but then went on to say that she kind of missed it also because in the situation that we are in it feels weird not to have that child around. I know exactly what she means and I thought it also. It was nice to not have the fighting, but it was horrible to think that this is how it would be if he were not here. I love my children no matter what, even with the fighting and it is a very lonely feeling when you can think that this is the way that it could always be.
Thank you Wendy and Sean for having Kyle stay over the other night. Darrell and I had a very nice dinner and conversation. I hope that we can do the same for you some time in the near future. And thank you also for taking and picking Garrett up from camp. He said he had a great time and only cried once during the week because he missed us. He is already looking forward to next year when he and Jacob can be in the same group. Garrett is being pretty closed mouth about camp and just saying that he had a great time, hopefully he will open up tomorrow and tell us all about it. He is asleep now, I think the shower got to him and he just crashed in Caleigh's bed.
Garrett is scheduled to have his port taken out on July 26th!! He is real happy about this. Dr. Wells even used the word "cured" at our last appointment! It's like, Oh, my gosh! Are we really done with this?! Of course there will be the scans for the next five years, but to think that all of the terrible anxious moments are over is hard to believe. I don't know about other Cancer Moms, but it is so hard to believe that this is all over. It came upon us out of nowhere and we went through ten months of hell. You want to believe that it is over but there is a place in your mind that always will say can it happen again. Sorry, I don't mean to sound down about the accomplishments that Garrett has made, but I am sorry, I will always worry more about him than the other two. Is that a weird thing to say?
Garrett's hair is so soft now. I am afraid to have it trimmed because I think the softness will go away. I could just run my fingers through it all day!
We start school soon. August 16th is the first day. I hope that Garrett will do good. Caleigh's first day of school is that day also. My goodness, I will have all three in school! Maybe by then I will be able to post the Disney pictures!
Go Lance!!! I saw today that Lance took 1st and that Hamilton dropped out. I am sorry that Hamilton dropped out, but I still have to cheer for Lance! Heck, if Lance can do this after having Cancer then Garrett can do anything! That is what I am trying to show Garrett, you beat this, you can do anything that you set your heart to! Thank you to everybody that has helped our family out during this trying time. Please support childhood Cancer survivors by buying the LiveStrong bands that are available at www.wearyellow.com. These kids have gone through alot and need our support to make it in this crazy world that we live in. Thank you and God bless.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004 5:28 PM CDT

Wow, what a hectic three weeks it has been! We are back from Disney World and the kids had a blast! Give Kids the World Village is absolutely wonderful! My father took all the pictures there so I have to wait for him to email them to me and then I will post them so you can have a better view of it. Their web page does not do them justice! The people there were so nice and wanting to make sure that everyone was having fun! We started our trip out in a zebra print Hummer! Don Hewlitt Hummer was kind enough to send Linda out to our house at 4 in the morning to take us to the airport! Linda, thank you so much! The kids were no longer sleepy when they saw that. I will post all pictures in an album as soon as I get time to process them all. When we first saw the village we could not believe our eyes, everything is so colorful and fun! My parents met us up there and were able to stay with us at the village which was great because my mom stayed with us much of the past year while we were taking care of Garrett and she took care of Kyle and Caleigh for us. We miss having her around very much! My dad could not believe all the hair that Garrett has got now and it is coming in blond. To say the least the kids had a great time at Disney! It was hot!! If you are going, make sure you get a wheel chair right off because Garrett got tired half way through the day and started complaining. The villas are terrific and roomy. It was nice having a washer and dryer there so I could wash clothes instead of packing all that we would need. Each child has their favorite ride. Caleigh it was splash mountain and test track, Kyle it was mission space and the mummy ride and Garrett was mission space. Plan on getting real wet on some of the rides. We met Nick from Nickrocks.us, he is a young boy that does his own web page that has rhabdo. He is a great kid and very brave and hope that he is doing well. We also had friends Mark B. from the clinic down there at the same time and Garrett and Mark would see each other at breakfast and talk about what they did the day before and what they were going to do that day. Garrett also had his birthday at the ice cream shop with my family which included my sister and Garrett's cousins, Aunt Christine, Shannon and Shane. They came up from Lake Worth to see us. And our neighbors the Thompson's planned their Disney trip around ours so that they could be there also. We had a great time, all the ice cream you could eat and all the free games to play. I would say it was a success! Thank you to the Thompson's for doing that for us!! There is no way to thank Make a Wish and Give Kids the World enough for what they have done. All the volunteers that work at both these places do so with love and sincere giving of themselves. We would never had such a terrific trip without all of their help. Thank you Mom and Dad for being there, it meant alot to us to have you there and thanks for the Circ de so lay. The kids and I really loved that (Caleigh is still talking about it). It was truly a once in a lifetime experience and in some ways I am sorry that we experienced it when you think of the reasons of why we got to do this. But for those of us that have to go through childhood cancer this is a wonderful way to forget it for a while. It was nice not having to think of doctor's appointments for a week! And we are still busy. As soon as the kids got back we started science camp for four days and we went to those with Jacob and Josh. This week we have Kyle's 7th birthday. And Garrett had scans today. I hope to hear the results of those by Thursday. I also have started back to work on some depositions so I have to get those out. I hopefully will have time this weekend to get pictures ready to post in an album from our trip. Garrett is doing well and Jacob is spending the night here tonight with Kyle over at Josh's and then tomorrow we will be having Kyle's birthday party. I hope everyone is doing as well as we are and God bless you all. Take care.

Thursday, June 10, 2004 9:43 PM CDT

Hello! Just checking in with everyone. Garrett had his checkup this week and everything looks great! Dr. Wells was impressed with the amount of movement Garrett has on the right side of his face. We will be scheduling scans next month before our visit to make sure everything is normal on the inside.

This June 14th we are going to Disney World!!! Make a Wish is sending the whole family and then we will be meeting the rest of our family there. The kids are very excited about it. I am wondering how we are going to travel with all those kids in the plane. Another family that we know will be going the same exact time and the little boy is a friend of Garrett's. Too bad we could not be on the same flights. Garrett is going to have his 9th birthday down there and boy what a party it will be!! He spent his last birthday in the hospital so I hope that this one will make up for it.

Right now he has his friend Jacob spending the night. Caleigh spent the night with Wendy, Sean and the J's last night. Wendy called me a couple of times because Caleigh was a little upset and wanted a picture of me to look at. Sean eventually offered her a brownie and she was okay. Then she didn't want to leave. Kyle went to stay over there tonight with Joshua. I think Wendy and Sean should just buy the house that is down the street from us so that we would not even have to get in the car to trade kids!!

Garrett wants to go down to Disney in October when Jacob goes for his birthday. I told him that we don't have that kind of money and we would not be able to stay in the Village with him because he would have already had his wish trip. I also reminded him that after we get back from Disney he and Jacob will be going to a science camp together and they will also be going to Camp Discovery together. He said that it sounded like they were brothers that don't fight since they were going to be doing so much together. I told him that it is good to have friends that you can rely on and that he and Jacob will probably be friends for life. (unless Jacob decides later on in life that he likes Caleigh too, then they could really be brothers) (Got you on that one Wendy!)

Anyway, we will take lots of pictures and when I figure out how to post these things we will have them so you can see them! Take care and keep in touch.

Monday, May 17, 2004 9:12 AM CDT

Well, this week is going to be hard for me. This is the year's anniversary of when everything started happening to Garrett. Last year this week Garrett went to field day at school. That morning was no different from any other morning, he looked the same, acted the same, was fighting with his brother on the way to school. They were both excited because they got to wear bathing suits to school and were in for a lot of fun activities. I took Caleigh shopping that day and Darrell was off of work. At lunch time Darrell got a call from Kathy Ilgen, a teacher's aide, and told Darrell that when Garrett was participating in the activities at field day that it looked like one side of his face looked slack. I got home from shopping and Darrell told me about it. I called the doctor because Garrett had what was called an innocent mummur when he was a baby and I was afraid that he might be having a stroke. The doctor said that it probably was not a stroke but Bell's Palsy and to bring him in. I took Garrett to the doctor and was told that the Palsy should clear up within 6 weeks. We went home with no worries. Then on that following Monday I was talking on the phone with my mother and the kids were taking turns talking to her. When it came Garrett's turn he placed the phone up to his right ear and told me that the phone was not working. I could hear my mother talking so I immediately picked up the other phone and called the doctor. Garrett had a hearing test and he was deaf in his right ear. The doctor said that it was not part of the Palsy and had us go for a CT the next day. When the first part of the CT was done Garrett was having trouble with the IV for the contrast part so the tech went to go ask the radiologist if we needed to have it done. My heart sank when the radiologist came walking in, tucking in his shirt and straightening his tie. He said that there was something there and we needed to go to Children's Hospital right away. I felt the breath rush out of me and got chills all over my body. I started crying and Garrett asked "Mom, what's wrong?" What do you say to your child when this happens? I could only tell him that it was going to be okay but that they needed to take better pictures of his head and they did not have that special camera here so we had to go to the hospital. Needless to say, the next week was a blur. Garrett had surgery on the 2nd of June and was diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma at the right base skull, wrapped around the 7th and 8th nerve and carotid artery. It was inoperatable. He was staged at Stage 4. He received his first chemo and radiation treatments on June 3, 2003. He received his last chemo treatment on March 2, 2004. It has been a long year with many more downs that ups but so far we have made it through. We have made many new friends this past year, unfortunately because they have cancer too, but we would not trade them for anything. They have helped us out and hopefully we are helping them. We are an extended family now with so many friends to laugh with, love with, play with and pray with. And we hope and pray that they will have as good an outcome as Garrett has had so far. It has been a hard year but it has been a fullfilling one.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004 2:41 PM CDT

Hello! I just thought I would share with you all Garrett's Mother's Day card that he made me. It says, "Dear Mom, Thank you for being there fore (sic) me when I had Cancer. We went through a lot of tears together. Thank you. I love you, Garrett." Now tell me he wasn't trying to make me cry!! He was looking at me while I was reading it to see if I would start crying and sure enough, I did.

We heard from Make A Wish and we will be going during Garrett's birthday!! Also, we will be able to stay at the Village!! The kids are so excited and Darrell is too. He went out and bought a little book on all the attractions and where they are located and started going over them with the kids. Kyle said that he did not want to go to the "Terror Tower" which is, I think, the ride that you get in an elevator and it goes down real fast. He said that it went at the speed of light and that was too fast for him! I have to go buy a new video camera because wouldn't you know it ours went out on us, oh well.

We went to the doctor today and he said that Garrett's face looks better than last time, that it looked like there may be a little more movement there. He also commented on Garrett's hairdo! He thought that we had cut it already but we have not. It is real soft and coming in blonde. Garrett said he wanted me to shave his head again because all the teachers at school kept rubbing his head and commenting on his hair. I told him what difference did it make, they rubbed your head when you were bald!! Dr. Wells said that everything looked great and we could get his port out in about 2 months if we wanted to. We will see how things go. I am just glad that everything looks good and Garrett is feeling so much better.

Thursday, April 29, 2004 11:16 AM CDT

Hello! We just got word yesterday that Garrett has no new areas of concern! That means that Garrett is cancer free!!!

I am still scared that something will show up in the future but Dr. Wells seems to be very optimistic saying that Garrett's was a sucessful protocol.

We heard from Make A Wish yesterday and Lisa said that June is full in the village. Garrett had wanted to go down there for his birthday and when I told him there was a chance that it would have to be later than June he just cried and cried. I called Lisa back and asked her if there was anyway we could be down there for his birthday and she said that she would try to find a sponsor that would be willing to have us stay at one of the other Disney resort hotels instead of the village. Please keep your fingers crossed that she will be able to find one.

We are going to the Dell Diamond for the cancer walk tomorrow. We are going with the Faherty's, caringbridge.org/tx/jacobf, and we plan on having a fun time. Garrett is signed up as a survivor and will be releasing a ballon with the 1 day to 1 year survivor group. There is supposed to be activities for the kids. The only thing I am worried about is that it is supposed to rain tomorrow. Hope it stays away until this is over!!

Thursday, April 22, 2004 6:06 PM CDT

Hello! Well, we had our CT and MRI on Monday and PET on Wens. He did great for the CT and MRI but the PET was another story! We can't use his port for the PET and Garrett had to have an IV. Garrett hates IVs!! It was 45 min. of screaming and crying and me having to tell him that if he did not get this done we would not know if all the cancer is gone. I just hate going through this with him and I am going to make sure that Darrell is going to do it next time because I cannot do it again.

Dr. Wells called me today about his MRI and CT because on the report it said that there were some growths in both of his lungs and his spleen was enlarged due to either inflamation/infection or malignancy. Don't tell me that my heart didn't stop when I read that one! Also they were talking about the spot that lite up on his colon on his last PET saying that we should have a colonoscopy done. Well, Dr. Wells said there was nothing to worry about and that the spots they saw on his lungs could very well be scarring from his RSV. He said that the CTs are so sensitive that they show old scarring. He said that if I was worried that we could repeat it all in two months but he would normally get them done in three months. I said to stick with the protocol and go again in three months unless there is something that shows up on the PET scan which he did not have the results from in front of him. Well, I guess that is all good news! The best news was that there was no change in the original tumor so it is not growing anymore!!
I can say that I was a basketcase these past days. I hate having scans and waiting for the results.
I better get going, Caleigh is crying for some reason and I think her brothers did something to her.
Take care.

Thursday, April 15, 2004 10:55 AM CDT

Well, Garrett is doing good. We just got word that he will be having scans all next week to make sure that the cancer is gone. We have CT and MRI scheduled for Monday and PET scheduled for Wens. He has been acting differently these past two weeks and it just reminded me of how he was acting just before we found the original tumor. I am happy that we are getting the scans but I am scared also. I don't think that I can take the doctor saying that they have found something new. I know that I will be on edge until we have the results. With that in mind I decided to take the kids to Dallas this weekend to try to have a relaxing and fun weekend with Aunt Dee and the gang. It will also be a working weekend for me, I will be updating my software for scoping so that I can go back to work. If anyone knows of any court reporters in the Austin area looking for a scopist please let me know, we need the income to pay for some of these bills coming in and Darrell has been working alot of overtime and I don't like that because he doesn't get to see the kids that much (plus it lets me have some time to myself when he is with the kids).
We will be going to the Candlelighters meeting tonight because they are going to be explaining about Camp Grey Dove and I am hoping Kyle will be able to go!

Monday, April 5, 2004 2:19 PM CDT

Hello everyone! We are just checking in. Garrett told me the other day that it feels like there is an extra tooth coming in behind his front permanent tooth. I had Darrell take a look and it looks like his permanent tooth that is supposed to be beside it has moved over one place and is trying to come up behind his front tooth. They had told us that he might have dental problems because of the radiation, but I never thought it would move teeth around like this. We have to make an appointment at the dentist and make sure that Garrett takes penicillian before he goes in and two days after.

Well, Garrett met one of his heros on Friday. Ever since Garrett was diagnosed we have been telling him about Lance Armstrong. We tried to watch the Tour de France last year but Garrett was in the hospital most of the time so we would just show him tidbits of the news when it came on. It inspired him to get a bike that has gears. I can't really say how we got to meet him, but he did!!! He was very excited and awed. There was about 13 other children that got to meet him at the same time. And of course us parents did too. He was very nice to all the kids and signed t-shirts, books and for Garrett he signed a bike helmet!

Garrett also had a great time with his friend Jacob. They had a sleep over on Saturday and they dueled Yu-Gi-Oh alot. I don't know who won but they seemed to be having a good time. Jacob's page is caringbridge.org/tx/jacobf if you would like to visit him. I hope his mother does not get mad at me for putting that in there!!

We are planning to go to Dallas this week to visit Dee and her kids. My kids have off of school Thursday, Friday and Monday so I thought that since Garrett is feeling good and his wbc is good that we would take a road trip. Plus the kids seem to act so much better when we are at someone else's house! I kind of need a break from all of the fighting that has been going on since Garrett has been feeling better!

I hope that everyone is doing good and have a great Easter!

Tuesday, March 30, 2004 10:00 PM CST

Hello! I just wanted to let you know that Garrett went to his first whole day of school today. He really did well and was not tired and even cleaned his room after school. He is planning a big weekend with his friend Jacob. We are going to be watching the 4 J's this Saturday night and are planning to have two of the J's stay overnight! I know that this will be exciting for them all! Garrett has not had a sleep over in over a year and he is so looking forward to it! Hope everyone is well and keep thinking those positive thougts!

Wednesday, March 24, 2004 9:53 PM CST

Hello everyone! We just found out about the caringbridge recently. Garrett has rhabdomyosarcoma and he is 8 years old. He had his last chemo treatment on March 2, 2004 and is doing very well. He went to school for a half day for the first time since last school year. We went to Camp for All this past weekend and had a blast! All of the kids went horseback riding and Caleigh, who is only 4, climbed a 2-story rock climbing wall. One of Garrett's new friends was there, Jacob, who also has rhabdomyosarcoma and lives just down the street from us, and they had a great time together. Kyle was in heaven with the horses and Caleigh caught 6 fish! We are hoping that Garrett will be able to go to school more since his wbc should be good the rest of the school year. We don't to back to the doctors until April! I don't know what to do with myself since we don't have to go back and we had planned visits every week! Maybe we can finally get this house cleaned. We are so happy that there is a place that we visit (caringbridge) and read about other kids that are going through the same thing that we are. I hope that everyone is doing okay and hope to hear from you. God Bless.

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