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Friday, January 8, 2010 11:46 AM CST
Dear Friends & Family~
They say "time" heals all wounds. To some extent I will certainly agree however it does not take away the pure and simple heartache in just missing someone. Although I will say I miss Dakota so much and at moments find it so hard to believe that is has been three years since I have been able to hold his hand, look into his beautiful eyes,kiss his sweet lips, and ALL the other things a mommy misses when she no longer has her child by her side....I will say that I still get to talk him, tell him I love him, dance with his spirit on the dock when I hear one of his songs...I have his many pictures to look at, tons of video to watch and listen to, messages he left on my cell phone to hear, and I ALWAYS have his precious love in my heart!!! I am happy to say that this year was the first that I truly loved putting up CHRISTmas decorations, in fact I loved them so much that they are still up :) and will be each year until the day after Dakota's heavenly birthday...he would be pleased with that since he LOVED this holiday so much!! I am also starting a new tradition this year for Dakota's 3rd Heavenly birthday....I am placing candles in front of our home near the mailbox and anyone who would like to come light a candle in Dakota's memory can. The candles will be put out at midnight tonight and left out until Sunday night. From heaven Dakota can see how many people are sending him "HEAVEN" BIRTHDAY wishes:) :) :)
With Dakota's 3rd heavenly birthday being Saturday, I wanted to write something on his site and I read this and thought it was perfect!! Dakota was such a brave little soul who's love & life changed so many forever. Mommy misses you my sweet angel.
*******The Little Soul*******
Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” she asked.” God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering
soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love – to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."
Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced.
In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God’s strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed.
Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.
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PLEASE keep in mind that this part was added due to the fact that in just a few moments it will be the three year mark since I have NOT HAD MY BEAUTIFUL SON!!! And at this moment my heart aches with an over whelming sadness that I am angry that I still have to continue without him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Again I am going to say please do NOT confuse "peace" with sadness...I am just SAD!!!! I miss Dakota with ALL I have and do with every passing day however to relive in my thoughts his battle, his journey, our lives, him not being here, me NOT being with him...confuses me. Most times I can get by , by doing good for others but TODAY is about Dakota and me, our love, our relationship, and how I will never on this earth feel that love again!!! I am SAD!!!! I want flowers from him, I want a hug, I want for him to rest in my arms, I want to watch "home alone", I want to draw pictures in bed until 5:00am, I want to watch his face as he does sudoku, I want him to wipe away the tears that are now running down my face and tell me "mommy it's going to be ok". If you are reading this, My prayer is that you don't understand a word that I am saying because if you do then you too have lost a child. Not to say that the rest of you don't care because I know that you do...however I thank God!!!! you do not know the pain in which I am speaking of. Sunday will have a new light for me but for today I live in sadness and sorrow just "SIMPLY" because I miss my BEAUTIFUL SON!!!! I have just took a break to lite the first candle...my prayers are that many more will be lit.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009 6:00 PM CDT
I woke this morning to the most beautiful perfect dream...
I believe God knew that I really needed this since I have been really blue lately. There have been some bittersweet events going on that have made me miss my sweet baby Dakota even more than I already do everyday of my life. May 13th would have been Dakota's 18th birthday...as hard as I try, I can't even begin to imagine him 18 years old. Also this past week would have been Dakota's Graduation, had cancer not come into our lives. My heart fills with all the "what if's". What would he look like now? Would he still want to stay at home and go to a local school (so he could be near his momma) or would he and Jake follow up with their dreams of going off to school and be roommates :) Dakota loved talking about how he and Jake would be friends forever and live together until they got married then he talked about buying the house next door to our home so he could always be close to me. I find myself daydreaming many times about him still being here. Sometimes in my daydreams he is still sick and we just spend beautiful time together like we did, and then at times I daydream about him being well and imagine him walking in the door long enough to give me a quick kiss and to tell me he is going to hang out with his friends. I imagine myself telling him to drive safe and don't make bad choices that could get him in trouble or worse yet hurt. I guess I will always have these what if's in the back of my mind but when special milestones that he should have been here for come along the thoughts really seem to surface and make me so sad for what is no longer going to be. I just miss him so much!!! Along with all these feelings and emotions swimming in my very busy head I have also been trying to focus on the big party..."Dakota's Spectacular Day On The Lake"!!! This one event brings so much joy because it is the one thing I feel that I can still do for Dakota....to honor his fight, to honor his memory, to honor his life! I let myself get really stressed out about the party only because I want so bad for it to be perfect. It has to be truly be SPECTACULAR not only because that's what I would have done for Dakota but it's what all these wonderful kidz coming deserve!!!!!! Anyway's I think God needed to remind me to slow down in my thoughts and that He is still in control and just have faith and all will be fine, so he gave me this beautiful dream to fill my heart with some much needed peace today, Thank you Lord :)
***************A Glimpse Into A Beautiful Day**********************
There were so many people...all who have ever touched our lives, loved ones that we have lost, and yes Dakota. Although he was sick he looked wonderful! He was his tiny little self with his beautiful smile that you could not help but smile when you saw it. The air was with filled with such joy and happiness. It was a "memory" making day that with the light breeze all you could feel was the laughter and love that God had blessed us all with. We were on an old boardwalk that had sits lined up all around and in those sits were familiar faces of friends and loved ones each sharing happy stories and just having fun. Below the boardwalk was a beach were some of the kids were playing. The water was a shade of turquoise I had never seen. The water had sparkles in it that looked like tiny diamonds floating. My nieces, nephews, grandchildren, and my daughter Samantha were all playing in the water. It was wonderful to see Krystle (my niece) since she passed away in 1996. The kids were playing in the water with big sea turtles and dolphins then along came this HUGE whale which at first frightened all of them however it only took a second for them to all realize he was their to play with them. The whale, dolphins and turtles gave all the kids rides on their backs...again the air was filled with wonder, happiness, fun ,and joy. Dakota was up on the boardwalk laying on one of the benches with his head laying in his brothers lap. They were laughing so hard and cutting up about all these fake tattoos Dakota and Justin had on their faces. Every time Justin would put a new one on his face Dakota would put two on his own...it was a silly game they were playing and I could hear Dakota's giggle as if he were really right beside me. Justin was being the wonderful big brother that Dakota had wanted. Ted, myself, our friends, family, my mom, and Michael were all taking in the moment of hearing Dakota's infectious laugh....we were making a memory to cherish. Then I woke up. I wish it would have lasted longer, I wish it was not just a dream however it left me with such peace and in my heart dreams are the closest I have to being with Dakota. Thank you Lord for this beautiful gift. I will remember it always but when I am feeling way to blue again please feel free to send me another precious dream such as this.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008 1:28 PM CST
dear sweet baby angel of mine "Dakota"~
over and over each day my first thoughts are still of you. my heart still aches so bad with a pain that i know will never go away. mommy misses you so very badly!! and today for some reason the pain is even worse, i think because tomorrow starts a new year, another "new" year without you. tonight we have plans to go to bobbie & tatars house like we have done for so many years. we have always had so much fun doing this as a family however thoughts of your last new years eve keeping running through my head. i have pictures in my mind of us having so much to "celebrate" that year and the fun we had while everyone watched the fireworks and as we played pictonary. although when i watch the video made i now see all the struggles you were having. we were celebrating, not knowing you only had nine short days to live. as so many things in my now new life without you...i am following the plans of old traditions although it never feels the same nor has the joy it did while you were here. what i would really like to do today is stay in bed and cry and be by myself with all the wonderful memories we had. what is it that i am suppose to be "celebrating" this new year?? that i have made it through yet another without you? that everyday i do my best to go on while everyday i still feel so very paralyzed in the grief of not having you? what i will celebrate is... is the good blessings of family & friends and that as each day that goes by i am one day closer to being with you (what a HAPPY day that will be!!). i miss you my sweet Dakota with all my heart!!!
love,
your FOREVER PROUD mommy
New Year's Resolution For Bereaved Parents
I resolve...
That I will grieve as much, and for as long, as I feel like grieving,
And that I will not let others put a time
table on my grief.
That I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and
I will ignore those who try to tell me what I should or
should not be feeling and how I should or should
not be behaving.
That I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying,
and that I will not hold back my tears just because someone
else feels I should be "brave" or "getting better" or "healing by now."
That I will talk about my child as often as I want to, and that
I will not let others turn me off just because they can't deal with
their own feelings.
That I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel,
understanding that no one who has not lost a child cannot
possibly know how it feels.
That I will not blame myself for my child's death, and that I will
constantly remind myself that I did the best job of parenting
I could possibly have done.
But when feelings of guilt are overwhelming, I will remind myself
that this is a normal part of the grief process and it, too, will pass.
That I will not be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help
if I feel it is necessary.
That I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever
Way feels comfortable and natural to me, and that I won't feel
compelled to explain this communion to others or to justify or
even discuss it with them.
That I will try to eat, sleep, and exercise every day in order to give
my body the strength it will need to help me cope with my grief.
To know that I am not losing my mind, and I will remind myself that
loss of memory, feelings of disorientation, lack of energy, and a
sense of vulnerability are all normal parts of the grief process.
To know that I will heal, even though it may take a long time.
To let myself heal and not to feel guilty about feeling better.
And when I find myself slipping back into the old moods of
Despair and depression, I will tell myself that "slipping backward"
Is also a normal part of the grief process and these moods, too,
will pass.
To try to be happy about something for some part of every day,
knowing that at first, I may have to force myself to think cheerful
thoughts, so eventually they may become a habit.
That I will reach out at times, and try to help someone else, knowing
That helping others will help me to get over my depression.
That even though my child is dead, I will opt for life, knowing that is
what my child would want me to do.
Saturday, September 27, 2008 0:30 AM CDT
WOW!!! once again it has been a long time.
at times i wonder why i continue to write "our' life here or why i pour my soul out to people that i am not sure if they care or not. the only real answer & truth i have for you and also myself is the "hope" that a few may "get IT" and what i mean by that is unless you've lived it....you will never get "it"....HOWEVER if someone you love is or have gone through this, my hopes are that you may better understand what it is that are now living in....and i promise for them and you it will not be easy....but if you have love and true compasion then you will do your best to help and the out come will be...strength and peace. this is a long road with many blind curves filled with much pain. although through this i do feel blessed in many ways to know who my TRUE friends are and although they may not fully know what i feel, they dont judge me. for those reading this you know who are ;) and i thank you so much!!!
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it seems that my life since Dakota has passed, i thought i was handling well. i am here to tell what a big FAT lie that has been!!!! i have kept myself so very busy with trying to have a "normal" life and only relizing small parts of how out of control i have been. i went back to work to soon!!! i tried to "act" as if i was strong and didnt hurt the way i do to soon!!! i let others treat me as if i had not suffered the loss i had, while they had their beatiful lives...yet i listen to them gripe and complain about such stupid crap...and really at the time felt sorry for them!!!! while deep inside my heart was screaming and in more pain than could ever be described!!!!
i have started to play a new game with myself in my head and the game is..."only think of Dakota as DEAD" because to look at old photos and to watch movies of him makes this whole thing to real. the pain of seeing him alive and knowing REALLY how much i miss him is STILL way to painful. so since the rest of the world sees him as gone and no longer feels this pain, it's the only way i too can deal with it. so much of me wants to tell so many, get over how i am reacting because you only have the benifit of NOT KNOWING how this feels!!!! all i can say is that i still have a glimps of hope that "in TIME" my heart will heal more and more each day BUT i will never be "me" again.....not without Dakota!!! so if you hear me being out spoken about something i believe in or if you see me angre for reasons you dont understand, guess what it's just me!!! i have been this way since about the age of eight or so and it has only come out even more with my pain. if you dont like it stay away from me (true Dak words)because you were never a true friend anyways. however the good thing about it is...if your a true friend then i am the best friend you could ever have because i would never let anyone hurt you or speak things that are not true!!!!
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this week has brought out much of my pain for many reasons....reasons i dont expect anyone to understand however they are REAL feelings! i am getting a new car which while it is very exciting and i love the car i am getting there is pain in knowing i am getting rid of the last car Dakota and i road in. i still remember as if it was yesterday the last time Dakota and i road in my car together. i also remember the first time i drove my car after he died and the thoughts that ran through my head while pulling into our carport....thinking that i needed to get his wheelchair out to go just a few feet, remembering to unlock the door and make sure the screen door was in lock postition before he got there, remembering how much stuff i had to unload because at the "end" Dakota packed MANY bags to go any wheres...just remembering the first time what it felt like to come "home" and he was not in that car with me. so it may seem silly but moving on to a new car hurts!!!!
THEN...there is the loss of Dakotas dog NOEL. we went to help at a childs cancer benifit sunday and when we got home she was gone. we have spent the last five days looking, searching, driving around, and making phone calls in hopes of finding her but sad to say we have not found her yet.....one more thing of Dakota, gone. then there is my job...which i no longer have. i had planned on finding something new and put in my notice but was asked to leave sooner that i had wanted, so now i am without a job. i know this is a blessing in a zillion ways but it still hurts my heart. then to add to all my fears and anxiety, there is NOT a running president that i have any faith in and i fear for what my husband will have to endure to make our ends meet and how unfair that is to him. all in all i just have alot of pain and fear at this time.
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some up to date things are....my dear friend anita and her family are getting ready to embark on the first anniversary of the loss of their sweet son Brandon. this loss is VERY dear to my heart since we are not only great friends but Dakota and Brandon were so very much alike in so many ways and i also spent the last few days with this beautiful child and his family. please add then to your prayers in the days to come and if you have time please stop by and leave them your loving thoughts of peace and comfort @
www.caringbridge.org/nc/brandonelam (you can copy and paste this to get there)
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my dad and my step mom came to visit and the visit was WONDERFUL!!! we had such a wonderful time however i wish they could have stayed a few more days because then they would have been able to see the AWESOME tatto i got of Dakota!!! yes i did it :)~~~i have wanted one ever since Dak passed, a feeling of him always being close to me ( i know some of may not get it...but it's not hurting anyone)and it made my heart feel GREAT!!! i have this beautiful permanently picture of Dakota on my back shoulder. it's about the size of a large orange and is more than perfect!!!! i am so proud to have it!!!! i hope that ted will get a picture of it real soon on the site. well i have more to write however it's late and i need to get up early.
love lannette~the FOREVER PROUD momma to Dakota
Wednesday, July 23, 2008 2:25 AM CDT
dear Dakota~
mommy has not wrote to you in some time although i talk with you each and EVERY day!!! and many times a week i hear one of your songs and i dance with you and i KNOW YOU ARE ALSO DANCING WITH ME!! i DO feel you near me and i feel your soul speaking to me and this does bring me peace and yet some sadness at the same time. the sadness is only because i miss you so very much!!! however i will have to say that i am very blessed and thank God and His son Jesus Christ for allowing me to stay so close to your soul & spirt and to also have many dreams about you. i am VERY thankful for these moments because i know so many other people wish to be (feel) that closeness of someone they love so much that is now gone. i am not sure why however i tonight have read your journal here on your website from the very first day we started it, september 12th 2003. reading it has brought so many feelings to me, some in which have made me cry and some in which have made me smile. for what ever reason, reading it makes me feel close to you, close to the life we use to share.....we really were some busy bees through out those years :) :) :)!!! i miss so badly sharing so much with you, laughing with you, being honest with you, and having hope with you. mommy still has such a hard time at night and with all my heart i believe it's because that was "our time". sleep and i are not freinds still and God knows i have every drug they make and STILL can not sleep....i miss you by my side. i just down right miss you!!!!!!!!!!! i know you already know this because i know God allows you to see some things in my life.... i don't think He would allow you to see all my pain however i do believe he allows you to see my love...and that is the love ted and i share so very much. ted said to me yesterday as we watched your golf cart video which makes me smile and cry at the same time...he said "babe it will never get any easier, or be less painful". we both had big tears in our eyes as we watched you on the video...."just" being a "normal" kid for a brief moment, having so much fun in the face of all you were going through. i miss so much how YOU assured me when i always thought it was me assuring you. i am still looking for "my plan" in which i think God has for me. i just take it one day at a time...some days are long and i want to hide and some days are ok and i want to fight for all that are like "us". i love you my sweet baby with all i have and miss you more than billion words could ever describe. please ask God to bless the event coming up at T-Bones and allow me to help in what ever way i can....although it's not spoken about, i have a passion for this because it was started because of you!!!! you were so loved that this GRAND event is on it's 6th year beacuse of you!!!! i take take a huge amount of pride that something so wonderful is done.....because you got sick which only reasures me that there IS a PLAN and God is in control!!! also because we have always been so blessed to have such great poeple in our lives!!! i love and miss you babe but PLEASE know your spirt and soul is still moving mountains and God is ALWAYS working through you to teach us. i for as long as i live will ALWAYS be so proud of you and how brave you were and how your faith NEVER wavered and how TRUE to life you were.
i miss you so very much Dakota!!!!
love~ you FOREVER PROUD momma
for any one who would like info on the up coming event at t-bones, which is on lake wylie @ t-bones, sunday september 21st or help in our "kids zone" or make a donation...please call me at (803)831-1705 (lannette or ted)
Tuesday, July 1, 2008 0:34 AM CDT
hello friends & family~
wow!!! i have so much to write about and so much to say....as we all know my heart pours out many times with words that are not undertood so i will do my best. at this very moment i missing my sweet babe with all i have however that is an EVERYDAY thing! tonight i went to the veiwing of a child i did not really know however his grandfather & i have been friends for many years and during Dakotas illness this friend was oh so very good to us. as strange as it may seem~~~the passing of the child (also 15 like Dakota), my heart did not ache as near as bad for him as it did for his momma. i can not help but know first hand what "life" has in-store for her. i can not help but know ALLLLL the questions she will have, i can not help but know what the "first" of EVERY event from now on will feel like. i had no idea that my heart would be moved so very much by folks i hardly know.....but a mom is a mom!!! so i do know what her heart yerns for and what her nightly thoughts will be. excuse me however it is SOOOOOOOOOOO messed up to loose a child, no matter what way!!!!! Dakota, as i have said so MANY MANY times was my EVERYTHING, only because i know with all my heart "He" truely was a blessing from God! a blessing that i know i am to learn from....however when your pain is so deep it may (IS) hard to learn from, although i am trying each and every day. i know ya'll are tired of hearing this but get over it :) :) :)ted lewis conder IS by far my GREATEST blessing!!!!i have no real idea how to say what this beautiful soul has done for my heart and that without him i could have NEVER made it this far!!! it's because of this blessing....this love, i KNOW God has a plan for all of us!!!because if that were not true, than why would i have been so blessed to have ted in my life? HE is by far what sees me through all my days~~up or down.
ok now to move off of the sad stuff and on to happier thoughts :)~~~~ted and i just did our second annual "Dakota's Spectacular Day On The Lake" event. it was AWESOME!!!!!!!! with all i have i think Dakota would have been so proud. this event is only such a true GRAND event because of GREAT family and friends!!!!! i was in such movement as to how it turned out because i had been so sick for months before it happened so i was not able to get out and do my normal BLAH BLAH to folks and "money" donations....however deep in my heart i KNEW God would follow through and help and that is what was done!!!! the day turned out PERFECT!!!!!!!! as i said in my last post....Jake IS the light in my heart and seeing him help with this GRANDDDDDDD event, warms my heart to no end, thank you to jake, your family, my sister, rick.....and ALLLLLL the many wonderful folks who shared their time and efforts to make this day so very special. the list to thank is so very long so i will not even try however i will say God bless each of you for making the lives of these children better and for helping to give them ONE NORMAL day. my heart goes out to each of you over & over!!!!! thank you from not only ted & i but Dakota also!!!!!
love lannette~the FOREVER PROUD momma to Dakota :)
Saturday, May 24, 2008 3:45 AM CDT
ok this is so "take two" :)
i started a letter however was not really sure were it was going...so this is "take two" i think "the" other i tied to write what ya'll might want to hear however...this is not the case :)
my life since the last time i wrote on this site has been REALLY crazy to say the least!!!! no matter what i do i can never get Dakota out of my heart, out of my joy,out of what it is that i expect out my life..........i with allllll MY HEART miss that really cool and HONEST child.~~~by the way :) did i tell you what a blessed and kool child this was??? you may have wanted to come up and shake his hand and tell him what a great "job" he was doing.....he would'nt have cared.....because "that" was about CANCER and really he just wanted to talk about "normal" stuff.....the STEELERS:) :) and to how to live EACH day to the FULLEST....which is what my son did!!!!!. however i will have to say, living life witout him is VERY MEANINGLESS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I DO NOT MEAN THAT IN A BAD WAY!!!!!its just that DAKOTA was my TRUE LOVE and the blessings i have from here on out ....are only because Jesus loves me and trusts me...............................................
i have my blessings~~~and WAY above anything is my husband TED!!!!! :) :) :) he makes me safe in a world , at this time i feel will never feel safe. my husband brings me laughter in the strangest ways that i would have never drempt of...but more that anything in my crazy world of a very messed up and sad head.....ted lewis conder :) brings me "PEACE"---------something that has no price but to the heart!!! it is nothing less than pure gold!!!! how i got so very lucky in having this BEAUTIFUL soul in my life...i can only thank Jesus!!!!:):):)
Dakota~mommy didnt write to you on your birthday, however, i know we spoke many times that week. i felt you very close as i so often do~~~~~~~~~~~~~but it will never be the same. i hope its ok with you boo boo but i live SO much of your life through Jakes life, what a GREAT friend you had in him!!!! watching him grow is as close as to "watching" you grow. what a BEAUTIFUL friend you have in jake...he will carry your name, your soul, your love, where ever he goes....watch him baby, you will
be so proud just like your momma~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~although i have NO doubt the two of you could have made such a great change in this world of ours. mommy misses you my sweet darling~~~~~~~more that mere words could ever read, but thank you my love for bringing jake and his family into "our" lives!!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~what are you doing now? do you see me missing you? do you see me speaking of you time and time again???>>>even to those who never knew you? i am so very lost my poo poo pie and i REALLY have no idea how to "fix" this~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i JUST want to be with you!!!!!!!
i know you already know but we built a garden for you, ~~~how much does it sucKKKKK that for your birthday i had to plant flowers for you....what would you really have wanted to have???~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ya know i would have gotten it for you :) :) :) :)>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>life is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO very unfair, where i stand!!!!
Saturday, March 29, 2008 3:55 AM CDT
this one is to Dakota~~
i see your notes that we have kept up all around the house....one reads "please dont't use crush ice because it clogs up the ice machine if you use cube ice"....i have kept this note on my fridge and thats where it will stay.
then there is the one next to teds computer that reads "slide show...email=bigpimpin8012@aol, password_______ PLEASE DONT THROW THIS AWAY! DAKOTA'S
then there is the "good night mommy, i hope you had a good night at work...love Dakota"~~~~~~
some times all of this seems to be my only proof that you were once here.
i know i have it but not sure at this at this time where it is....but one night you wanted to cook all of us breakfast and took everyones "order" and wrote them down to make the next morning....then you lined them up on the hood over the stove and cooked for us when we got up. OH my God you were the sweetest child (& funny too) on the planet!!! i miss that part of you...not full of BS but YOU!!!! which was the greatest part of you.
you never pretended to like people you didnt know but gave your heart fully to those you loved....you spoke the TRUTH (have no clue where you got that from:) :) :) i guess what i am trying to say my poo poo pie....is i miss you SOOOOO very bad & i am still trying with all my might to make sense of it all. as time goes on sometimes i feel as if....if i dont talk about about this life long sentence then it does not really mean than it is happening to me. does that make sense??? i still feel pain when i look at your pictures but not the same pain as i felt months ago....i guess i have come to terms that you are NOT coming home to me. however thinking about "just that" makes my heart so very sad!!! i have NO idea as to how parents deal with this kind of loss??.....it seems like a zillin years ago that you & i shared OUR bond, and now it's JUST gone. how can that be????!!!! but like i said sometimes i just have to rely on the fact it's just your "heart and mine" thats speaking to one another and then i make it through. i miss you my dear dear sweet Dakota with ALLLLL my heart.... with ALLLLLLL my soul.....i wish with ALLL i have that mommy could have made you better... i wish i could have taken your ilness, but that was not Gods plan (which i am not gonna even pretend to understand!!!) but PLEASE KNOW that your love never leaves my side and ALLLLLL i do is to make you proud~~~~~~i miss you so very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!
how did this come to be!!!!???? i miss you my sweet baby, LOVE of my life, my TRUE soul mate, my "reason" for God creation!!! i miss you Dakota!!!
love always, your FOREVER PROUD mommy
Monday, March 3, 2008 9:26 PM CST
added march the 5th~
for those reading this please keep a liitle girl name winter in your prayers. she is having an important scan done today that her momma is so very worried about. also please keep my VERY dear friend tatar in your prayers as he has to go to chicago for nine weeks to recieve his treatments for cancer....such a long way from his wife, family, and friends...we love you tatar!! love ted and LaLa
hello everyone~
i know it has been awhile since my last update. i guess i just dont feel that i have much to say or better yet not much to say that folks want to hear. it all seems like a very badly broken record (letter)~~~My heart is broke....My heart is broke....My heart is broke!! it's so strange grieving the loss of a child, YOUR child. i really can say it is not like any grief i have experienced, which as you all know is many starting from my neice Krystle which was my sisters baby, then my husband Michael, then my mother Barbara all of which meant the world to me but this is so much more different...for me so much harded. i will say i have learned so much about myself and others over this past 14 months. as for myself...i have learn that i had no idea someone could be so drained and so tired for SOOO long. i have learn that i have an anger in me that i dont know where to place and really dont like. i have learn that while i have always taken such comfort in Gods words and my beautiful relationship within my heart with Him and His son Jesus Christ, i dont even have the energy to talk to them much. i every now and then tell them both that if they truly love me the way i have always thought they did, then no words need to be spoken at this time~~They should just know what my heart says without words. about the only thing i speak to them about is other families facing this heartache and i do PRAY very hard for those families...for those children going through what Dakota had gone through. in time i hope to find more energy to pray about more things and to find ALL my thanksgivings again. i have also learn that i can watch more tv in just 14 months than i think i ever have my whole life before Dakotas passing. you dont have to think to watch tv,you dont have to care about what you are watching, and it takes zero energy to do it!! i have learn while i DO have "happy" moments, i will never be as happy as i once was and with each "happy" moment i do have it is usually followed by anger or deep sadness...i have learn that i really do need help to get through this, so ted and i have started therapy again. i have learn that what truly does make me the happiest is doing something...anything that has to do with children with cancer and their families. i have learn that my little support group that i started is the "safest" place in the world for my heart to feel honest and not judged. i have learn that my husband loves me so very much and i love him too and feel safe with him in sharing most of my thoughts and i could not face the next day without him. i have learn that i now have two different kinds of friends, ones who have or have had a child with cancer and ones who still love me but really have no clue as to who i am now. in my "cancer" world of friends i can say anything and they never get tired of hearing "IT" because thay too feel it. in my what use to be "normal" group of friends, i have love, support, and times of the old "normal" me...however cancer is still sitting in with us it's just that i am the only one who knows it. i have learn that while everyone who loves us, is also still grieving the loss of Dakota and know that we are too but they dont relize our grief was not only for the loss of our beautiful boy but for all that was attached to him.... like our routine that Dakota & i shared with our "other" family at his clinic, like the remembrance of so many dates that seem to pop up over and over and over again, the vanished dreams that have been in my head ever since the day he was born. all i have to do is look around and i find another reason to grieve what i now do not have, like seeing other kids smile because school just got out and they are busting through the doors with joy that their day at school is done (that should be my son), like seeing kids at the store trying out the new video games (that should be my son), like seeing kids complain about doing something they dont want to do (that should be my son), like seeing young adults on what must be their first dates (that should be my son),like seeing new movies come out that Dakota and i would have loved to go see.....like hearing other moms talk with such pride about what their kids are doing and showing off their pictures of their kids~~~i too want to show off my beautiful pictures i carry of Dakota but i know it will be followed by questions like...where does he go to school? does he too give you a hard time about feeding his dog? dont you get tired of hearing the phone ring day and night and it's never for you it's for your kid? all which are "normal" questions but i dont have the "normal" answer, and when i say he has passed then i get the "look", and then the mood changes and everyone seems to be sad. i dont want to have anyone feel pitty for me (for those like me) i just want to be able to say "i too have pictures i want to share but please dont get sad" you can ask all the questions you would like but DONT get sad because then i feel as if my bringing up my son caused the change in everyones happiness.~~~does any of this make sense?? these are the things i grieve on top of my biggest loss *DAKOTA*. i have learn that my sleep may never change however i still have faith that a good therapist may be able to help...i have learn that "others" are so eager to tell me how to fix my sleep problems because they too had them....REALLY!! because you too have lost a child?? ok that was being smart :( but really if anyone thinks i can just do what you do and i will be "FIXED" dont you think i would have done it?!?! my theory on the whole not sleeping thing is that i am having a hard time "letting" go of ANYTHING that Dakota and i shared and "night time" was OUR time. infact keeping all the memories alive in my head is so very important, the good and the bad...i dont want to let go of one drop of them because then i feel as if i am letting the memory of my baby Dakota slip away. as strange as it may seem i have a need to know and hear all that i dont remember like so many things that happened the night Dakota died. i know it sounds crazy but it's what i NEED to know, to hear, to be able to find a place (again along with a good therapist) to store all these memories and to keep the wonderful ones on top and the not so good ones below. i know ya'll would think why remember the bad ones? memories are all i truly have of Dakota in my heart so EVERY ONE of them i will cherish and in time i hope to only talk about the good ones and to keep them the ones on top. i have learn that talking on the phone is still a "job" except to the very few who have kept in touch. i have learn that getting ready to go "out" of my house is also a "job" and i am even more late for everything than what the "old" lannette was. i have learn that i smoke WHY to much and this would make Dakota very sad!! but for now my thoughts on this are "i dont care!! if i get cancer, because if i die then i would be with Dakota all the sooner" i really dont want ANY letters on how smoking is bad for me and how i would be hurting Dakota if he were here (he's NOT) and that i have ted and two other kids to think about...you would only be opening a can of worms you dont want to open! i have a WHOLE other update on my other children which at this time is filled with hurt so i can not go there right now. samantha and i are still wonderful and i love her with all my heart but i have found that "family" is not what is important to her at this time....again a young adult thing, and as Forest Gump said "that's all i got to say about that". my oldest son sent me a letter that was truly heart breaking and i know have no way contacting him :( and "that's all i got to say about that too". well folks if you have lasted this long you are truly a good friend!!! i guess i had alot to say :)
i am going this weekend to a "moms" getaway week just for moms who have lost their children to cancer. i am really look forward to it!!! it is through my wonderful friend Flash (aka Debbbie) and her very wonderful group "courageous kidz". it is a weekend were all the moms there will be "normal" because we all share the same thing. thank you debbie :) :) :)thanks for stopping by to check on us and how we are doing.
love lannette~the FOREVER PROUD momma to Dakota :)
Tuesday, January 8, 2008 9:12 PM CST
i added this part on january16th~~~please keep our wonderful friend "tatar" in your prayers. he had his surgery today and things did not go as well as hoped for, so please say extra prayers for him, bobbie, and their families. i know that while Dakota is in heaven he sent "his" sign that he too is saying prayers....it started to snow when we got home from the hospital :)~~~tatar & bobbie, ted & i are holding you in peace and prayers.~~~~~~
this is what i had placed in the paper for my sweet Dakota.
In Memory Of Dakota Michael Gay
May 13th 1991 - January 9th 2007
"One More Perfect Day" a letter to my son Dakota
Dear Dakota~
There's not one day that has gone by since you went home to heaven that I have not wished for and dreamed about having "just" one more day with you. If I had one more day I would fill every moment! I would kiss you over and over and over again. I would tell you how much I miss you and and how very much you are loved!! I would cook all your favorite foods like crawfish, bubba burgers, blueberry waffles, and holiday ham. What I could'nt cook I would have delivered to you like "Christopher's" wings (with honey mustard of course), lobster from the "Rat" and their blackened oysters. fried chicken legs from KFC, and of course your very favorite thing SUSHI from "Nikatos". Although it would be hard, only because I would want to keep you to myself, like the so many special moments we shared...I would share you with all the many others who love and miss you so much. We would have a huge party so that every one could spend time with you. What a happy day it would be!!! I would take tons of pictures and video tape your entire visit to watch over and over again. The party would end with the best fireworks ever, that you picked out from "Mr Cooks Firework Store" . You would not be sick any longer so you would be able to lite them all without help from anyone. Then every one would go home feeling all the blessings of having this time with you. The rest of "our" time would be the most dear to my heart. We would sit in your favorite seat and I would hold you in my arms. Although you were 15 years old, you never got any bigger than you were at 12 years old when you got sick, so you fit so perfect laying in my lap with your sweet face snuggled up to my chest with your beautiful hazel eyes looking into mine. We would spend this precious time together just talking. You would tell me every detail about your new life in heaven from the second Jesus came to get you along with many angles that were with Him. You would share with me the joy your daddy had when you arrived and how he is now taking such wonderful care of you. You would tell me about all the fun you are having with Krystle, grandma, Asa, and Melissa. You would share with me the day Brandon arrived and what great friends you can be now that you're not sick any longer. I would hear you tell me that you are with me each and every day and are watching over me along with Ted, Samantha, Bubba, and the rest of our family and friends. You would tell me to never stop having faith because there really is a "plan" and God is in control. He is guiding us all to a perfect eternal life filled with such beauty, joy, and peace....a life were "snuggle time" and love will be endless. We would sit and talk for hours until you were sleepy then we would lay down in bed watching one of your favorite movies, maybe "Home Alone" or "Christmas Vacation". You would play a few games in your Sudoku book and we would share a few more special words together. You would tell me that you know I still sleep with J.C. the pimp monkey every night and snuggle to him as if he were you and that i need to consider maybe sleeping with Ted again :) You would tell me that you see me each night that I go out and talk to the stars and you hear all my "i love you's" being sent up to heaven. You would tell me that you are with me every private moment that I shed so many tears and that you are here with me although I can't see you. You would then remind me not to be sad because you are now whole again and have so much peace and true joy...however when the tears flow for me again, your still here. I would tell you although I may wish for this "Perfect Day" together I would never wish nor want to go back in time because in my heart I do know you are well again and knowing that does bring me peace. As you started to get sleepier and sleepier, your beautiful hazel eyes begin to close but not without ever so often opening gently to one more time say "mommy I love you" and I would say back to you "I love you too Boo Boo, with all my heart and all my soul I love you SOOOO very much" As you went back to sleep I would'nt waste not one precious moment, I would take my finger tips and caress every little feature of you beautiful face. I would breathe in every detail like the color of your hair, the length of your eyelashes, the shape of you lips with your two perfect moles you have just like your daddy did, the softness of your cheecks, and your sweet scent....All the while sheading just one more silent tear knowing that Jesus and the angles were here once again to take you home. This day would end with me feeling so much peace and knowing how very blessed I am to have been your mom.
~~~Rest well my sweet angle Dakota~~~
Love,
Your FOREVER PROUD mommy
Saturday, January 5, 2008 5:26 AM CST
wow i have no idea as to even were i should begin~~~
to say the least all my "first" without Dakota have been so very hard,so very sad, so very painful!!! in many ways i feel as if i am at day "one" from the time he passed but in many ways even worse because "then" i didnt know what i know now. i have thought to myself SOOOO many times "what was i doing this time, this day, this minute....last year?" what would i change if i could. i do know one thing, i would have never let you out of my arms. deep in my heart i have no regrets because you & i knew the special love and bond we shared and WE made our own special memories & moments...but if i really knew how painful it would be to NEVER hold you again, i would have never let go. Dakota sweetie, i have no idea were and how to get my joy back. i still have so many blessings in my life however i seldom feel them because sadness showers over them like a beautiful rainbow during a huge hurricane. i keep telling myself with my faith, Gods love, and the strength and love ted gives me I WILL make it....but then i wonder "who am i trying to convince?". you were one my true joy, making you happy was the happiest i will ever know. i miss you my sweet baby!!!!
for those reading this i really do have some really happy things to write about about however now it's just not in me. kathy and david~i cant wait to get over this hump and tell everyone about our meeting each other...however for now i know you understand.
todays a crappy day and i dont see tomorrow getting any better because i will wake up and still not have my baby :(
this pain SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, November 1, 2007 3:58 AM CDT
WOW!!!! i found out for the first time, that i REALLY am pissed (mad). i had a great night at work but not without forgetting how much i miss Dakota and that i should be having fun with him tonight!!!! but as with so much in my life i try to make the best of "it" and "go" on....and that's what i try SO very hard to do. on the way home from work i heard a song that i always sang to Dakota "how do i breathe without you"....i sang and i cried!!!! I WANT HIM BACK!!!!! i want one more chance to say "baby do you know how much i love you, do you really know what you mean to me, how will i EVER breathe without you???!!" it was then that i relized i am NOT mad about God taking my sweet baby....because i STILLLLLLL believe in the plan!!!! what i am so mad about is... were is God while i try so hard to pick up my pieces of life. why does "He" allow me to feel so lost with so much pain....why does "He" not see the goodness in my heart and help me through this unbearable time?????????!!!!!!!!! how can "He" leave me so very much alone??
Dakota sweetie~ i FEEL you everyday. i take in all of you that i can from your crazy kitty Eggnog to sleeping with J.C. (the pimp monkey) and of course listen to your voice on the recorder you made for me but none of it replaces what my heart aches for... and that's you. everyday it is SO much work to live without you....i have know idea how much longer i can do it. sweetie you really need to speak with God and tell him i need help because a life without you is......so sad. mommy misses you!!!! you were'nt one in a million, you were you :) :) :) and that was even better!!! babe if you could give me another small sign as to how great your life is (which my heart knows) i really could use it because "the mommy" in me says you should be here with me. i would so very easily give up the rest of my life to have just one more day with you....laughing, snuggling, saying i love you's, making "our" day as big as what we always did :)...to know at the end of that day we would BOTH pass into heaven and be together FOREVER at the same time. why did this not happen? why did God think i could do this???!!! i can't!!!! i DO NOT want to!! i want to be with you!! and as sad as this is i really want nothing more. i love your sister and brother with all my heart and NOT a drop less than you but they never really loved me the way you did....nor do they need me the way you always did (even before you got sick). neither of them hardly speak to me and all the dreams i had for them are like long lost dreams....and who knows had you never gotten sick the same may have been true for you. but my heart says "no" ...Dakota i think you would have been JUST like your daddy...a wonderful great man who wanted nothing more than to be a good father and take care of things in his life. i dont know what you would have "been"....a doctor (i dont think so) a wonderful good person~~~yes!!! i hate that i will never get to see that. you told me, what seems so long ago, you wanted to be a daddy~~~~i am so sure you would have made a great daddy....just like your daddy. but what i have is the memories of you being a child "forever"~~in many ways that makes me smile. however it sometimes does not ease the pain of knowing who you could have been. i love you sweetheart with all my TRUE soul and everything i wish i could have given to you and i miss you SOOOOO very deeply.
love FOREVER~ your very PROUD mommy XOXOXO!!!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007 10:31 PM CDT
hello friends~
since i wrote here a few weeks ago, it seems i have been in a funk to say the least. when i get like this i seem to over think on way to many things. i try so hard to figure what it is that is making me feel so blue, so sad, so alone...well we all know what it is i miss my baby. but what i guess i am really trying to figure out is, why can i have some good moments (and believe me they are only moments in the big scheme of life) and then i crash so hard as if Dakota just died. well i have still not found the answer to this my own question. i know "right now" it is so hard because i think of all the fun we were having this time last year. Dakota was SOOOOO excited about his huge halloween party coming up. he was also SOOO excited about all our family coming to visit him....for what he knew was the last time of seeing them. all in all it was a very busy week filled with so much fun. to use Dakotas own words "all that he had EVER hoped for". i think this was really my last great memory. yes we still shared many beautiful moments just Dakota and i on those late late nights staying up watching tv, talking, and much much snuggling but from that last great memory on i knew time was racing...racing towards january 9th, racing towards his death, racing towards this "moment" of loss. i hate what death took from us even before Dakota died but i am also grateful for "knowing" it was coming and to cherish and breathe in all that i could. for the last few days i have watched my entire library of Dakota videos, they have made me laugh, they have most certainly made me cry (happy and sad tears), they have made me feel not so alone. i think "alone" is what i feel most comfortable in...although i dont like it. i was talking to my very dear friend anita, Brandons mom, the other night and she said something to me that made so much sense. she said what hurts her is when folks see her and act like they didnt and walk the other way...but what really made sense is when she said "i dont know why this makes me mad or hurts, because i really dont want to talk anyways". i told her i too so many times feel that way but what i think it is that hurts is the feeling that they dont care. boy oh boy we sure do make it hard to be our friends or to show that you care about us. when it's all done and said, we just want to know that you still care and that our babies are still thought about. it may take along time before we have something new to talk about or before we are even happy to see you or talk to you but believe me we know the ones who have kept trying. from all going through this and from myself, we thank you for hanging in there with us. well on a different note i have finally got my emails down to only 11 which is GREAT for me!!! i normally have at least 200 or more and although i read them i cant seem to answer any of them, so i have saved them with the hopes of writing people back. i did do some of that however so many of them are from months ago i finally deleted many of them. it's funny (not in a ha! ha! kinda way but in strange kinda way) i never knew such simple things would be such hard work like empting emails, make phone calls, writing thank you cards, and just plain thinking. like my girl friend anita said...we just seem to keep oursleves busy but getting not really much of anything done. i think keeping busy is just away of telling our brains what to do without having to really do anything. like me painting this whole house...i thought it would bring me joy to have everything changed, i thought it would get the "bad" out of my house, well it did neither it just kept me "busy" for a bit. ted said to me the other day "this house carries so much sadness". that is true but it also carries so much joy but finding it again and even more so making joy is not so easy. i pray that "time" will help joy find it's way here yet again because i dont feel this house is filled with cancer nor death...its filled with laughter and cherished memories we once all had and i truely feel it has many more wonderful memories to take in...it's just finding them that is not so easy at this time. well i guess enough for now :)
please continue to pray for those going through such hard times and for the way to many families also facing the same as ours also remember to give thanks each day for the many blessings we all have.
love lannette~the FOREVER PROUD momma to Dakota
**the first is him getting an early CHRISTmas gift from his paw-paw & grandma nancy. Dakota LOVED getting a new STEELERS coat just in time to wear to the big game. which by the way he had a GREAT time!!! :) :) :) the STEELERS WON!! and Dakota won $100 :) :)
**the next photo is john asleep on the couch. he was faking it i think this time however it was a normal thing for him to get a nap on our couch and for Dakota to give him a hard time about :). i love this picture of Dakota it is one of my VERY favorites because Dakotas soul and eyes look so at peace with were his life is going....it's my "angel" picture. i look at this picture and my heart aches just because i would love to see those sweet eyes staring at me JUST one more time.
**the one with all the gals are my "monday night" girlfriends. this was taken the night before Dakota passed. he was doing what he loved...being with women and eating sushi :) :) :) (this is my last picture of him alive)
**the next is new years (just days before his passing). Dakota wanted to be part of the champagne toast...well as you can see from his face he did NOT like the champagne. of course the toast was to him for peace.
**the next is Dakota while we were out picking out our CHRISTmas tree. he always picked the best tree!! notice the fun hat? he made it at build a bear...a must for mom to wear this year when we get our tree :)
**Dakota and his favorite teacher mr knight from the second grade. i love this picture and this teacher!!
**finally everyone gets to see eggnog, Dakotas kitten he got a few weeks before CHRISTmas. i love this kitten so much! he is a cute little mischievous boy that makes me laugh but he also is such a snugglebug when i am having a blue day....very much like my Dakota :)
**ok we were gonna joke with ya'll and tell you the next picture was eggnog after being a REALLY bad boy :) :) but really it is a cornish hen. i remember this day like it was just yeasterday. Dakota and i were at the store and he saw the cornish hens and just thought it would be the coolest thing to buy several of them and have friends over to eat and everyone would get there own "chicken" :) :) :). so thats what we did...it was a fun night :) :( :( i miss having fun with him.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007 10:13 PM CDT
hello everyone~
WOW! were does time go? it's so very hard to believe that it has been 9 months today since my sweet baby became an angel in heaven~although he was already an angel long before going home. as you can see ted put a new picture slide show on here for me. for some reason he was unable to add captions to the pictures so i thought i would tell you all what and when the pictures were taken. all of the photos were taken in Dakotas last 6 weeks with us. i will go in order so you know what they are...
**the first is him getting an early CHRISTmas gift from his paw-paw & grandma nancy. Dakota LOVED getting a new STEELERS coat just in time to wear to the big game. which by the way he had a GREAT time!!! :) :) :) the STEELERS WON!! and Dakota won $100 :) :)
**the next photo is john asleep on the couch. he was faking it i think this time however it was a normal thing for him to get a nap on our couch and for Dakota to give him a hard time about :). i love this picture of Dakota it is one of my VERY favorites because Dakotas soul and eyes look so at peace with were his life is going....it's my "angel" picture. i look at this picture and my heart aches just because i would love to see those sweet eyes staring at me JUST one more time.
**the one with all the gals are my "monday night" girlfriends. this was taken the night before Dakota passed. he was doing what he loved...being with women and eating sushi :) :) :) (this is my last picture of him alive)
**the next is new years (just days before his passing). Dakota wanted to be part of the champagne toast...well as you can see from his face he did NOT like the champagne. of course the toast was to him for peace.
**the next is Dakota while we were out picking out our CHRISTmas tree. he always picked the best tree!! notice the fun hat? he made it at build a bear...a must for mom to wear this year when we get our tree :)
**Dakota and his favorite teacher mr knight from the second grade. i love this picture and this teacher!!
**finally everyone gets to see eggnog, Dakotas kitten he got a few weeks before CHRISTmas. i love this kitten so much! he is a cute little mischievous boy that makes me laugh but he also is such a snugglebug when i am having a blue day....very much like my Dakota :)
**ok we were gonna joke with ya'll and tell you the next picture was eggnog after being a REALLY bad boy :) :) but really it is a cornish hen. i remember this day like it was just yeasterday. Dakota and i were at the store and he saw the cornish hens and just thought it would be the coolest thing to buy several of them and have friends over to eat and everyone would get there own "chicken" :) :) :). so thats what we did...it was a fun night :) :( :( i miss having fun with him.
as time is going on... no matter how much i wish it would stop. i wish it would stop and give me time to catch up. i feel in so many ways i AM healing by the second however there are just not enough seconds in the day. i am beginning to feel that i am ready to embrace the change of seasons in hope that i will get some writing done. i have slowly started my book and i dont expect alot out myself so i look at it as a "start" is a good thing. maybe with the cold being right around the corner i will be forced to sit in the house and do what it is my heart wants to do?? the passing of Brandon was a bit tough on my heart. it wasnt hard helping his family in the ways i could and being there for them. infact this too brought me a great sense of healing to be able to help others. what is hard is knowing what Brandons family now faces. i remember oh to well when the first week (today for them) came around...then when family went home...then when the mail stop coming in....then when everyone seem to forget that although it has been nine months (today) i still hurt. i know when the one year anniversary comes around i will then again for that day be surrounded by love and compassion for what i have lossed but why do people think i dont need it now? i dont mean everyone when i say this~~i mean the people who now think their small proublems in life are SO great. i still have NOT one drop of anger towards God nor His loving son Jesus Christ...my faith in them has not waivered one bit however my faith in mankind has a bit. believe me this is nothing that "time" will take away, "time" will allow you to find new ways to get use to your new life and this will not happen in such a short time. beleve me i have made my fair share of errors during this time and i have to take accountablity for them however i do not have to take it for "others" errors. i have choosen to stay away from people who i belive have become so unsensitive as to were i STILL am i my life and this too makes me sad because the losses on this journey are far to many to mention but all of them sad and hard to take. well i guess i got that thought out of the way :)~~ but just for the record i already know halloween is gonna be tough (Dakota had SOOOO much fun last year!!!), THANKSgiving will be tough but i am sure i will make a ham because that's what Dakota loved. picking out our CHRISTmas tree will STINK but i will do it because it would make Dakota sad if i did'nt plus i have to decorate it with all my beautiful Dakota snowflakes, CHRISTmas will blow because i dont have him to buy gifts for.....then will come january~the 1st bring a new year (in which everyone will be sure that i am totally healed) and then the 9th...a reminder of all i havent had for a whole year!!! ok now i am a mess and bawling like a babyjust thinking about this plus maybe some of it has to do with just nine months ago from "this TIME" my baby was leaving my house for the last time. none of this, NOT one day "is easy". i will write more later.
love lannette~
the FOREVER PROUD momma to Dakota Michael Gay
Wednesday, October 3, 2007 2:44 AM CDT
dear friends~
it is with great sadness that i share the news with you on my friend Brandon Elam. Brandon earned his angel wings tuesday night at 11:37pm. please keep this family in your prayers as they face "this" part of the long journey. a kind word, thought, or prayer to them would be very welcomed, www.caringbridge.org/nc/brandonelam
also please continue to keep my sweet friend carla in your prayers as she misses her sister so very badly. i hope to give a better update soon however it's been a very hard past few days and i just got home from the hospital and need a bath and i "pray" to get some sleep. God bless.
love lannette~the FOREVER PROUD momma to Dakota
Monday, September 10, 2007 12:55 AM CDT
hello everyone~
well yesterday marked the eighth month that i have had without my sweet baby. i spent the day looking at photos i have not seen in a long time and reading all four of his baby books...and pretty much keeping to myself with many tears. some very sad things have been going on over the past two weeks to people who are dear to me, my girlfriend terri~her father passed. i remember oh to well when my mother passed and how hard this was so my heart truly goes out to her on the loss of her father. my neighbor and friend Mac passed only one week after hearing he had cancer. my dear friend carla, her sister Deena passed on august 28th after fighting such a brave and long fight with the beast "cancer". my heart goes out to each of these families and the losses they are having to face. my prayer for all of them is...peace. i also am very heartbroken to tell all of you about a young man that is SOOOOO dear to my heart. his name is brandon elam. this sweet child has the same type of cancer that my baby Dakota had. brandon has fought a long and hard fight and is at the part of this journey that the doctors can no longer help him...PLEASE keep him in your prayers for God to grant him a miracle and for peace to fill his families hearts. brandon is aware of what is going on and he has great peace and is spending beautiful time with those he loves and who love him. if you would like to leave brandon and his family a kind word and let them know you are praying for them go to www.caringbridge.org/nc/brandonelam they would LOVE to hear from all that are thinking of them through this sad and difficult time.
also for those of you who are reading this and live in the area...T-Bones on the lake is holding their yearly kids cancer benefit on september 23rd. it starts at noon and goes on throughout the day. it's a wonderful benefit started by our dear friend justin mycals for Dakota in 2003, this is the fifth year that justin has done this to help out a family who's child is facing this monster "cancer". so if ya live in the area come out and have some fun, hear some great music,and eat some great food...and help raise money for a GREAT cause.
well thats it for today. thanks for stopping by :)
love lannette~the FOREVER PROUD momma to Dakota
Thursday, August 16, 2007 3:30 AM CDT
hello friends & family~
WOW has it been awhile!!! i actually came here a few weeks ago and was spilling my soul and all of my heart out and after writing for about three hours my computor shut down :((((( it took all the energy had to write what i did and it was gone so doing it again....well i could'nt.
however i am here again to tell ya'll how we are doing. PLEASE dear God don't let the same thing happen :)
well so much has happened over the past SEVEN (do you believe it has been seven months!!!???). as i have told ya'll i have taken many awesome trips, the last being a trip to my home town with my brother & sister~~meeting at our fathers home. it was a GREAT trip!!!! i feel that so much of what i do these days is catching up on a life that "cancer" has robbed of me from not only Dakota's illness but also during his daddy's...my dear Michael's. for so long i feel i have lost "me" & i am very eager to find me again. as many of you have read, ted & i did an awesome kids cancer day at our home....that alone, i could write TONS about. it was the coolest thing i think i have ever been part of. the newest going on is, i made an awesome home office for myself just for the soul purpose of finding things i need to do to help others....my plans are to write a book, not only about cancer, not only about my beautiful babe Dakota & my loving husband Michael, but what the "TRUTH" is behind grieving is. i find it so funny (not in a ha ha kinda way)that we can talk about so many things in so many place however greif is "the" unspoken subject. why is that? during this journey i have found myself in so many places....places i NEVER wanted to be in however here it is~ in my face and VERY much part of my life. i have lived through moments darker than hell it's self. i have begged God to see me through, just to find no end to my hell. i find myself giving by far much more thanks than ever asking for anything...and for that i TRUELY give thanks!! i am not bitter, i am not mad (except towards this DAMN beast"cancer"), i have an overall prayer..and that is "please dear Lord help me find away to help others!!!" which i do know in my heart will help myself. there is never a moment in my day in which i dont think about Dakota, cancer,the pain of what this is, how can "i" change anything, and how can we all make it "something" we CAN talk about. death happens to all of us however i will say say it's a whole new thing when we talk about "our" kids dying.~~~~anyways i guess ya'll may think i am not doing to "good" after reading what you've read so far. well that's not all together true :) overall i am doing really good. i have a fight in me that i can only give thanks to God for. however that does not come without my crappy moments, and like any parent, i have them. but overall my heart wants to scream and fight for all the others that are in the same shoes, i walk. i have found a new meaning of the word "fine", it's a word that in "our" environment, some days it's the truth...some days it's a huge lie, only because we can not bare "telling" the "truth' of what this life is like....nor do i wish for one more to know. my heart still drops to the ground when i hear of a new child dx, my heart really drops to the ground when i hear the loss of another child to this BEAST! my hats off to all the caring and loving doctors and nurses out there who care so much for these kids...however we all have to take a part in caring. our family has been blessed in more ways that i could say HOWEVER :) ....SOOOO much more NEEDS to be done. i truely beg from my heart. do something~~~anything,,,get involved, find away to help and if not for this cause..find one. with CHRISTmas so near (four months), check with your local hospital and take in a family in need. things like this is what truely saw our family through and you could not even imagine the JOY you could bring to a family going through such a horrifying time in their lives. ~~~~ok as far as ted & i, we are doing great!!! God has blessed me so very much in having this wonderful man in my life!!!! we take very good care of oneanother. we speak the truth of this new pain we BOTH feel & do our very best to help each other. TRUE love is grand :) :) :).we are very blessed because there are so many that this loss has taken not only "souls" and "love" but marriages also. ted and i are getting ready to take "our" first trip together since Dakota has passed. we are take our boat "camping" in the water way. i can't wait!!! time together away from home, away from all the memories this house seems to carry. i am sure i will have nothing but happy updates on this :)
speaking of this home~~i have found that since Dakota has passed, i have a huge need to change our whole home. i want all the cancer memories out of here!!! the area where i made my new home office is where Dakota passed, it was "our" bedroom. the chair to my desk is exactly where my sweet baby passed. i find great comfort in this spot and "hope" that it will help me to do what it is my heart wants to do. i didnt take down Dakota's snow flakes until six months after he passed. at that time i also took down his room....wow what a hard DAY!!!! but i embrassed it with the sadness and also healing i knew it was. now i want the whole house changed..."CANCER" noooo LONGER LIVES HERE!!!! my office is so very beautiful, it's filled with such peace~~just like my babe had when he went home. of course across from my dest is THE most precious face ever, DAKOTA plus the words "faith WILL see us through".~~it's perfect :) :) :)!!!! now for samantha :) she is doing really well. i still dont get to see her as near AS much as i would like to however you know teens :) but i am so happy with our relationship!!! her life is not yet what i had planned however i think "that" part is kinda normal. i still have high hopes of her going to nursing school but i will wait for her to do it in her time. i am just so happy to have her back in my life!!! i have no doubt that Dakota would be happy. well i guess thats all for now. thank to everyone for still coming here to see how we are doing. maybe i will get better at the updates however dont hold your breathe on that one :) i really want to close this by asking you all to please concider what i had mentioned before about adopting a family for the holidays and asking everyone please pray for all the families going through this battle in having a child faced with what most of us as adults could'nt bare. thanks for stopping by and thank you for all the prayers and love you all have sent to our family over the years.
love lannette~the FOREVER PROUD momma to Dakota Michael Gay....
and of course samantha and justin also :) :) :)
Saturday, June 30, 2007 3:46 PM CDT
dear friends & family~
i have SOOOO much to write to you about and share with you, which i will do in about a week after i get "my" home office set up. we already have an office in our home however i have found out that i can NOT work in the same space as my sweet :) yet VERY unorganized husband so i stay out of this room. i will let ya'll know that "Dakota's SPECTACULAR day on the lake" party for kids with cancer, went SOOOOO well. we had about 150 kids and volunteers here at our house then the next day everyone went to Carowinds theme park.....again i will give more details soon however i will have to say that Dakota's spirt was all round and i don't mind saying i was kinda proud of myself for doing such a grand event in Dakota's honor. the whole project was about $19,000.00 so that will give you somewhat of an idea on how much fun we had ;)
today is a some what tough day because i am taking Dakota's bedroom down to make space for my very large project of moving three rooms around so that i can have the "sunny" room to make my office to work in. i have large plans for starting a book and will be talking to all of you about that more soon. i also have plans on staring a business from home and doing TONS more for kids with cancer and their families.....all which is "a work in progress", however i have much faith in myself and all i can do to "make a difference".
i find myself keeping very busy however days like today are "kinda hard". taking down all Dakota's stuff is very bitter sweet...some things have made me smile, some have made me cry, but ALL makes me miss him even more than ever. it has been five months and three weeks since i have not had Dakota here with me and i miss my little SOULMATE so much however since he has passed i feel that i have done so much that has moved me a step closer to "healing". i think Dakota would be pleased because that is most certainly one of the things he loved most about me....my strength and my love of life. however days like today i have to allow myself to feel the pain of this journey because it IS what makes me stronger. anyways i was just having a kinda blue moment and wanted to talk to those of you who "still" get it. now i am off to shop and buy paint for the three rooms and stuff to put in the rooms......blues, purples, and browns~~mine and Daks favorite colors :)
this part goes out all fighting this ugly beast "cancer".
my thoughts and prayers remain with each of you and your babies and the "reasons" why we are all here. i cry through bad news, prayer for hope and peace and clean scans, and never do i let a day go by without speading the "word" of what we all go through and what our children go through...and i jump for joy on all the good news i read here!!!!
with love through caring~
love lannette, the FOREVER PROUD momma to Dakota Michael Gay
Friday, June 8, 2007 10:34 AM CDT
Hello everyone :)
I have some very exciting news to share with everyone. On June 21st Ted and I will be hosting a party at our home on the lake in honoring our son Dakota's memory and life. It's not just any party, it's a party for a wonderful group of kids that all have cancer. We will be doing a fun filled day with many great activities such as boating, tubing, volleyball, games, great food, and of course ending the night with loads of fireworks, Dakota's fovorite thing!!! We are expecting around 150 kids and volunteers...WOW :) :) :)
The next day everyone will be going to Carowinds Theme Park for a day filled with rides and games. The kids and counselors will be staying at a hotel near Carowinds and charter buses will be bringing them to Lake Wylie and then back to the hotel. This is all be made possible by two wonderful kids cancer organizations~"Courageous Kidz" founded by Deborah Stephenson and also "Justin Mychals & Friends" which is through "T-Bones On The Lake" founded by Justin Mychals and David Mathein.
All of these children have not only faced the tragedy of having and fighting cancer but their families also have had to fight a battle of finances in which it makes it so hard to have any extra money for "fun" things and memory making. As a parent who knows first hand that "fun" and "memories" for these kids is so important is the reason this means so much for us to do. It is with this reason I am asking for any help that we can get. While starting this little (HA) project, I had no clue as to how to get it all done. I just knew that God and Dakota had told me "Go for it and we will help" so that's what I did...went for it. My heart feels SO good in doing something to not only honor Dakota but that helps others in the same way that we were blessed. I am putting at the bottom of this letter a list in which people can help and also contact info. In advance I would like to
thank T-bones from my heart for all they do and also all the kind folks in our great town of Lake wylie and the surrounding towns also an extra thanks to Bi-LO for being such a great help in this project and of course Courageous Kidz for getting this started and all that Debby does to help families fighting childhood cancer. After the BIG day I will be doing a follow up letter to let everyone know how it went also to list ALL that has helped me to make this dream come true.
With Love Through Caring~
Love Lannette, the FOREVER PROUD momma to Dakota Michael Gay
CONTACTS~
Lannette & Ted Conder (803)831-1705 or (704)575-3674
4665 Summerside Drive
Lake Wylie, SC 29710
David Mathein at T-Bones On Lake Wylie
(803)831-2847
LIST OF ITEMS NEEDED~ (all info for tax deductions will be sent out with Thank you cards one week after the event)
Grocery cards~(Harris Teeter, Bi-Lo, Food Lion)
Gas cards, for the eight boats we have to take the kids out (BP, Exxon, Petro Express)
Baked Goods~such as cakes, pies, or even candy
Beach and water toys~such as water ballons, silly string, balls, frisbies, and ALSO gift cards to place like CVS, Eckerds, Dollar General, Wal-Mart, K-mart, and Target
Paper Products~heavy plates, napkins, silverwear (forks),foam cups
Sodas and water~any brand
Fireworks~the big kind that you can get in SC. we will be short on firework time because the kids need to get to their hotel rooms by around 11:00pm to get rest before going to CAROWINDS~~Woo!!! Hoo!!! so we hope to get some of the larger fireworks that you light once but many go off (the ones that are in the shape of a big cube)
*****and then of course cash donations are very welcomed, the money will towards the kids to have extra spending money at Carowinds and also the miscellaneous items we may need*****
Thank to all that have taken the time to read this and to find ways to help. If you have any other ideas for this fun filled event please feel free to call me. also PLEASE feel free to forward this to your address book :)
Sincerely, Lannette & Ted
Wednesday, May 2, 2007 8:32 PM CDT
hello everyone~
well i have been keeping myself busy with a few fun trips with girlfriends. i have had a wonderful time however my mind never stays far from thoughts of missing Dakota. i leave again late tomorrow night to go to mexico with a very dear friend who has also lost her husband very recently. i am looking forward to it however already miss ted. i also can't get my thoughts off that i get home the day before what would have been Dakota's 16th birthday, mothers day (may 13th). i think about what great surprise i would be getting for him as a gift....he would want a car :)
i think about his birthday last year and how much he LOVED his class ring ted and i got him and the fun we always had going to the beach with friends. i have not really made many plans for that day because i am not sure how i will do until i wake that day. i have thought about having close friends to our family who also loved Dakota so much, over to the house for a cookout and of corse FIREWORKS :) but then i thought i might just take Dakota (in his little box) along with JC (Dakotas monkey, who goes every where with me) and go to build a bear and make that last animal that Dakota and i did'nt get to do before he passed, then go see a scary movie because Dakota would like that (there are so many ones out right now that he would have loved to seen), then come home and do the fireworks.....just not sure yet~it all makes me sad just to think about doing any of them without him. however makes the memories of what HE loved, live on.
today is the anniversary of Michaels (my late husband and the kids daddy) death. he passed away 10 years ago also from this ugly beast. i wish it all could have been different in so many ways but then again i STILL believe in Gods plan and i am just SOOOO very thankful that Michael and Dakota are together forever in our Lords Heavenly Kingdom. i have NO doubt that they have had lots to talk about and share, that thought makes my heart smile. it's very strange to be thankful for something so beautiful while tears are streaming down your face so bad that you (i) can't even read the keyboard....i just miss my baby so badly however i guess it was his daddys turn for time with our boy.
i have some very nice news to share with all of you, samantha came by to see me today :) :) :) there was nothing she needed to pick up or get from home, she just came by to spend time. this TRULY made my heart smile!!! i have missed her so very much and although "life" for her is not what i planned but plans change and with change we all need to find our blessings on "new paths". my anger towards her has been gone for sometime now which has brought me great peace (thank you Jesus!!). i can not change the past nor will i act as if it didnt happen because it did and the hurt it brought Dakota was also so much pain for me to watch, however He is not here any longer and i cant fix what was so broken. i think she is finding her peace and i have prayed for that for a long time. while she was here we watched a few movies of Dakota, we laughed and also shed a few tears, which i know we have many more of both in "time" to come...but for today, i feel a great blessing in seeing her and sharing with her.~~~i love you sammie :)!!
well i need to pack for my trip and clean the house but before i go, i ask you PLEASE once again to pray for ALL the families that are going through this. it is a road full of so many emotions and sadness with out any words to describe. the power of prayer is SOOOO very strong and touches more people than we all could ever know. also please keep our family in your prayers on going through Dakota's first birthday without him. i would like to leave you with a beautiful poem writen by one of my sisters through friendship and faith, dena. she wrote this the day after Dakota went to Heaven.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ANGEL WINGS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her baby boy got his Angel wings last night and it was bitter sweet that's true. She knew his pain would be gone forever but she would miss him through and through.
He was just fifteen years old when Jesus called to say it was time to come Home. Now Jesus had talked to his mom already and told her this child was on loan.
On this January night the Angels were called to guide him towards the light. His daddy was waiting to take his son in to show him the Heavenly sights.
Are your wings made of golden dust? Do they glimmer oh so bright? What was it like to meet our Savior who holds us in his light?
We miss you so,but we also know you are free from any pain. we will never forget the courage you showed and how an open heart has everything to gain.
I have to believe, God must have big plans in wanting this boy so young. However in his short time, he taught us so much about strength, love, and frienship and how to have fun.
The stars shine a little brighter, the moon seems a little bigger and i know it's because of this boy.He is our Angel in Heaven who's been fitted with wings, may his flights in Paradise be filled with joy.
Are your wings made of golden dust? do you like to fly at night? Are you guided by a band of Angels who always keep you in close sight?
Before I close, in writting this song to honor a boy they called Dak, I feel he wants to say "I love you Mommy and I'll always be close if you want to talk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
with love to all~
love lannette, the FOREVER PROUD momma to Dakota Michael Gay
05/13/91-01/09/07
Tuesday, April 17, 2007 6:14 PM CDT
hello everyone~
today (in one hour and fourteen minutes to be precise) my beautiful son went Home to his Savior, Lord Jesus Christ. with time i think my hearts aches more and more. i feel as if i am really just now in ways coming out of a deep fog and that Dakota is not just away on a trip that he will return from. my mind has known this all along however the mind and heart think and feel different things. at times it is just to unbearable to know that i cant hold him and share with him ALL that we shared. he TRULY was my joy, my sunshine, my music, my laughter, my peace, my baby, my love, my Heaven here on earth, my spirt, my happiness, my fun....my reason for life. while i am SOOOOO very grateful for all that i still have and count my blessings each and every day, i miss my baby beyond any words that could ever be found. one of the things i am so grateful for is not having any anger during this. i have seen so many parents who have a great deal of anger towards so many things and even towards God, which i TOTALLY understand, but i am so thankful i dont have that. i just have sadness that is completely undescribable to anyone unless you have walked this walk. well i guess i do have one anger and that is CANCER!!! i hate what it does to so many but more so in children who have not yet been given the chance to do all that they could have done. with all my heart i think if given the chance, Dakota could have done such great things with his life. i do know that through his illness and our strong faith he did do so much however....he wasnt done. but i guess God thought he was.
i keep making large plans for my life as to what i think i can do to make Dakota's illness not in vain, to make things better for the "next" family, to find some kind of joy again.....but then life seems to pile up and it all becomes so hard. i still find it very hard to get myself out of bed and once i do....i really dont know what to do with myself. just doing the smallest of things seems like such work...like writing updates here. i have so much i want to share but putting the thoughts into words is really a chore. then there is the "guilt"!!!! guilt that i am not moving on any faster, guilt that i am the "bummer" person where ever i go (the one who always needs to talk about her dead child), guilt of not doing all that my heart wants to do, guilt of not helping my husband more....guilt, guilt, GUILT!!!! i can not tell all of you how many times i have thought "why am i still here?" "i wish it would all just end" then another day rolls around and i find myself in the same steps i was in the day before. the loss of a child is a rollercoaster ride os emotions that can not be fixed by nothing other than "time". and even "time" is not our friends because as each day that passes that more of our lives that we have had to have without our kids but then again, time is what moves us towards healing. anyways just wanted to give a small (HA!!) update is to where we are now. please continue to leave a message here for us because really they do help our hearts so much. and also please ALWAYS remember to keep all the families fighting this ugly beast in your prayers and thoughts. right now i would really like for you to pray for a young gal who's name is stevie, she is nearing the end of her journey with cancer and could really use your prayers along with her family. please just pray for peace and no pain.~~
thank you.
love lannette~the FOREVER PROUD momma to
Dakota michael Gay
***firday april 20th***
it is with such sadness that i share with you yet another of our beautuiful children has passed due to this ugly beast. her name is Stevie and she is such a wonderful soul. she passed yesterday surrounded by her family loving her. please keep Gabriell, her mother very dear to your prayers, along with the rest of the family. Gabriell & Stevie shared a very special bond much like mine and Dakota's. i know how sad this time is for her as amother...so please really lift her in your prayers. thank you.
love lannette~the FOREVER PROUD momma to Dakota Michael Gay
Thursday, April 12, 2007 3:39 AM CDT
hello everyone~
ok at this moment i think i am having one of those "low" times, the "times" really no one wants to talk about...because we as a whole, dont know how to talk about. so this is what is see for today and many times through out my days i see and feel it AND i KNOW i am not alone~~~~~~~~~~.
i think at times i am getting better but why???is it because that's what's to be expected of me or is it that i REALLY am trying to move on.....well there is no one anwser to this. just like anything else in life, we fool even our own selves through hard times. i really with all my heart KNOW that Dakota would want my life to be filled with joy. it's very hard but i am trying to work on it. i am going on a few really great trips with wonderful friends who all in one way or another, totally "get me". i hope thiese trips will brighten my soul some. but really when it comes down to it, i miss my baby and want him back!!! anyways i just wanted all to know i will M.I.A. for a bit. i really had more to say but the words never come out right.
PLEASE continue to pray for all the families that are too going through this with their sweet babies.
also add a prayer for a friend rodney, who had to have triple by pass this morning. it was very unexpected and the family could really use your prayers.
thank you.
love~lannette, the FOREVER PROUD momma to
Dakota Michael Gay 05/13/91--01/09/07
Sunday, April 8, 2007 2:32 PM CDT
dear family & friends~
happy Easter to everyone. i hope this day, your heart is filled with the blessings and joys that our Dear Lord has given to all of us.
today for me is a day filled with wonderful memories of Easters past yet my heart is so very sad for what i now miss so bad...and of corse that is my SWEET baby Dakota. i miss that Dakota LOVED being a child so much and although he may have been 15, he still would have loved this day. he loved getting his Easter basket in the morning, he loved getting together with family and sharing dinner with one another, and he REALLY loved doing our yearly Easter egg hunt!! every year i would take about 100 plastic eggs and fill them with LOTS of money and the kids would hunt for them. the older kids had kinda out grown this but still participated, i think not only because of the "easy" money they would get :) but also that Dakota LOVED doing this as a family. one year it was kinda cold out, like this year and one of the eggs was is the middle of my sister and brother in-laws swimming pool, Dakota didnt want anyone else to get this egg so he just jumped in the pool. we all stood in shock because it was so cold out but it sure made for a good laugh and a wonderful memory that i will have for always. Dakota loved days like today were we are just all together as a family. i miss him so very much and for this year i just dont want to do anything just because it will not be the same without him. i told ted the other day, i think the only thing that would bring me joy today would be to have, a house full of little bald head, chubby cheeked kids over (cancer kids) and do the "egg" hunt with them. i wish that could have happened....maybe next year, this year i have been filled with to much sadness to make it happen. i guess "the first" of all things without Dakota are going to be hard. last year at this time we were at my grandparents and aunts homes in kentucky. my brother and his family had come from texas and my dad and stepmom had come from indiana. we had a wonderful time. it was the first year that Dakota was NOT the baby in the family, my brother has three little boys and it was fun for Dakota to be the "older" kid in the bunch. what makes me think of this is because Dakota really took to one of his cousins, kevin. i have the cutest picture of Dakota and kevin, were Dakota is trying to help him in the egg hunt. well i still have more to write however ted is home and my sister and her family just stop by to i will close for now.
please always remember to keep ALL the families going through this tough journey, in your hearts and prayers. this ugly beast "cancer" relly steals so much from so many.
love lannette~the FOREVER PROUD momma to
Dakota Michael Gay
Monday, February 26, 2007 1:40 AM CST
dear friends and family
each day i am getting stronger and stronger. i miss Dakota with EVERY feeling that i carry throughout the day and at times it feels as if i "just" at one time, had this wonderful and beautiful "dream" of a precious child who's name was Dakota. but then i look at ALL the pictures i have in my home and i know it was not just a beautiful dream, i really had this spectaular child in my life. i feel a hole in my heart that i know can NEVER be filled with that kind of love, HE gave me, ever again...however i still have so much love to give and to share with others and for His memory, that's what i will do.....live and love!!!
the nights are still very long and my pain is still so deep, but like i said each day i find more and more reasons to move on and NOT let "cancer" have anymore than what it has already taken!! it's just hard when you think to
yourself "that for the rest of my life, here on earth, i will have to do it without him" however i still hold GREAT comfort in KNOWING that i will see my sweet baby, Dakota, again. and i still hold strong in that even if i could bring him back to me, i would'nt because i could NEVER give him the glory he now has with God and His son Jesus Christ. knowing that Dakota will NEVER feel the pain, sadness, or all that cancer had brought him, brings me great comfort.
today i have been going through the many cards, letters, and yes even unopened boxes of...SNOWFLAKES :) trying to sort stuff for my scrapbook and the whole time i could smell Dakota's cologne. it made me think of the day i bought it for him :) now ya gotta keep in my mind, Dakota was a ladies man :) and he only wore the "best" clothes, shoes, and cologne (spoiled monkey). he wore this cologne when he knew we were going some place special or if he knew
"girls" were coming by to visit him. the cologne is "Acqua Di GIO" by "Giorgio Armani" and it set me back about $70.00 :) i bought this for him as a surprise "just" because it was his first day back to school and he made it through the whole day after not being in school for three years. sad to say he didnt get to wear it often and didnt get to stay in school very long because of getting sick again :( however i think smelling it all throughout the day (and not being near the bottle) he was telling me "mom it did'nt go to waste, it's me still here with you".....i really miss doing special things for him like buying
this colonge because although he was spoiled to the core, he was never a spoiled brat!!! he never expected anything however was always so grateful for those kinds of surpirses. while the smell made my heart smile, i also spent much time today crying...simply because i miss him. i am so glad i did what i did for him because i only had 15 very short years to do what so many get a "life" time in doing for their children. while doing all that i did today~reading cards and letters and going through stuff~i want to say that i read ALL of them over again and EACH one touched my heart with the love and prayers so many showed Dakota and our family....thank you from my heart!!!
ted is doing wonderful although he too has so many hard days, but the rock that he is, has been my strength through so much of this. we both talk about all the sweet things Dakota had done for us and he too misses him so very bad. because of my "crazy" sleep habits, ted is still sleeping in Dakota's room and the other day he woke, looking around at all Dakota's things and it made him so sad. it is a huge sorce of comfort to know that he loved Dakota SOOOOO much and that he so understanding as to my pain in missing Dakota.~~~thank you Jesus for this wonderful man.
samantha too is doing ok. i call her about 2-3 times a week, however she seems to work alot. i still miss her.
well that's about it for tonight, maybe i will write more later.
love lannette
Wednesday, February 14, 2007 2:42 PM CST
hello everyone~
doing updates seems to still be very hard. i keep wondering when i might have a day without crying? and if i do have a day without crying does that mean that i am letting the memory of Dakota slip further away? i will never let that happen!!!! i really do have so much more to write but can't right now.....however one thing i did want to write about is that my heart is bursting with joy at this moment because things with samantha and are heading towards a better place. she called today to wish ted and i a happy anniversary :) just this one phone call has made my day!!! i know we have things to work on but i MISS her SO bad and i need her in my life. i just wanted to share this VERY happy moment with all of you :)
i am gonna try my best to hold this happy feeling throughout the day however i still can't help but feel the sadness of missing Dakota. for the past few years Dakota has been part of mine and teds "anniversary date", he always went to eat dinner with us....so i will miss him tonight. i hope to write more soon.
love lannette
Valentines.....To Heaven
This Valentine is not of the ordinary kind,
Its still filled with love...and blessings inside;
But mine has to be sent on the wings of love...
you see its destination is the Heavens above.
Its not being sent to my parents so dear,
For they are still with me each day of the year;
Its being sent to my child...who left earth so soon,
Who's now in the Heavens with the stars and the moon.
The message is the same as your valentine,
"I love you...my sweet precious child of mine;
My love is still deeper than the ocean is blue,
And its sent with hugs and kisses...from me to you."
"I know you are with me each and every day,
You listen as I talk to you...and hear what I say;
For that is one thing that disease cannot do...
...you'll always be a part of me...and me a part of you."
"I know God did not give you the awful disease,
Thank Him for His comfort He gives me...would you please?
I don't know what I would do without His undying love...
Sent to bereaved parents from the Heavens above."
"I know you are in the best of care,
But it's so hard for us left on earth to bear;
Could you put in a request from us left behind...
For God to send the knowledge...so a cure we can find."
"So that no other family has to go through this pain,
Our lives without you will never be the same;
When I get lonely I will look to the sky at night...
And see you shining down, your big bright light."
Author Unkown
Wednesday, January 31, 2007 9:23 PM CST
dear friends & family~
hello to everyone :) i have come to this point of writing an update on how ted, myself, and our family are doing, however just can not seem to do it. i am not really sure why except other than the thoughts that run through my heart and brain 24/7....it all seems like work, so i live with my throughts but just have a hard time writing what i would like.
we are taking each day as it comes and i have SOOOO much to be thankful for yet so much in my "life" is missing :( besides my STRONG faith in God and His son Jesus Christ, and knowing this faith IS what gets me through the rough spots...i am also SO VERY much thankful for the wonderful husband God has TRULY blessed me with!! ted has had no choice just like so many other parents to have to go back to work and try his best to help our lives to move in the right direction, all the while his heart too is broken for our loss. i could not say enough about the love, respect,and true admiration i have for this man, who may have not been Dakota's "father" but sure was a wonderful dad (i know Michael would have been very pleased and will one day get his chance to thank him for all the care ted gave to dakota, samantha, and myself). i am also so VERY thankful for my sister who is really like a best friend and my "monday night, girls crew". it is one day that i really look forward to, we meet for dinner each monday and they all are so understanding of my need to KEEP talking about Dakota. i am able to share my joys and sadness with this GREAT group of friends and they never judge me nor act tired of hearing the same stories over and over. i am also very grateful to all of you who keep calling to talk to me to see how things are going yet understand that all you get is an answering machine or voice mail (even though it is much work to talk most of the time, i really appreciate that you keep calling). getting out of bed everyday is a "job" and when i do i make my bed because....if that's all i get done for the day, it was something :)
the "hard" days seem to hit me harder than they did instead of getting easier, however i KNOW that is part of the journey. i dont beat myself up for having them, i just pray XXX hard that they will pass and in time they do. we did our monday night "girl thing" at my house this past week and we all had a wonderful time however when everyone left i had a really yucky night. i cried until i thought i could cry no more. i took Dakota's ashes out of the box they are in and held them once again so dear to my heart, kissing the bag like it was Dakota in my arms...all the while begging and praying to God to PLEASE ease this heartache. it was very hard for me stop kissing the bag and let go and put Dakota's sweet shell back into the box. i had wrote to my online groups and asked the parents if there was any books that they could maybe recommend on the loss of a child...well the next day after my long cry and holding on so tight and kissing what use to be my sweet baby, i got a card from one of my online moms and in the card she suggested a book....the name of the book is..."quit kissing my ashes", how strange is that (thank you jenni)!!!! well needless to say i took it as a "sign" that Dakota too really wants me to read this book :) ted ordered it for me today. AGAIN thank you Jesus for "signs". i will let ya'll know how it is and if it helps. one of my other huge blessing is, Dakota's kitten, eggnog :)!!! when i am sad it's like he knows it and it such a sweet snuggle-bug and the rest of the time, he is filled with playfulness and is a TRUE MESS :) :)!!! makes me laugh and smile very much...thank you Dakota for this sweet gift :) i would also like to thank all of you who know that tuesdays and fridays are still so hard on me, tuesdays more than fridays because from 4:00pm until 11:45 i relive each moment of the day Dakota passed and went "Home"~~~thank you dwain for each phone call :)~~~which leads me to my day yesterday and my life with samantha :(
it was yesterday the three week mark and at 4:00 i lite my prayer candle and said a prayer, as i do every tuesday at the "time" my life changed forever, that God please help me through this day. i spend my day looking at the clock and talking to Dakota and saying LOTS of prayers. it was 8:00 last night and my phone rang, it was samantha, for one brief moment my heart was so happy in thinking she was calling to say "momma, i am thinking about Dakota and i just wanted to talk to you" (since he passed at 8:30~~this was NOT the case. instead she was calling to tell me that she has been talking to her family from her birth moms side of the family (whom have not been in contact with her for years) and they told her that she needed to call me and ask about "money" that Michael MUST have left for her in his "will". talk about a huge blow to my heart!!!!! the ONLY reason samamtha was around when her brother passed was because of the BEGGING over and over i had to do to get her to come and see him however when she was here i was SO grateful and my heart wanted so bad to take care of her. i took her shopping and welcomed her to be part of all we did like going to the funeral home ect. well since this time and during this time, she has not once asked me nor anyone else in the family how we are doing, it was ALL about taking care of her. so like i said for one small moment last night i just thought she knew what the "day" was and was thinking of others. it makes me so sad and yes also angry that she had NO clue as what the day was nor the time. all she was thinking about was the $$ signs that were placed in head. when Michael got sick he was 29 years old, we were young and three children...there was no "money" however if she was lead to believe that there might be she should have called about a a different time. again as i have said MANY times throughout the past nine months of Dakota's life....i believe my daughter has an influence over her life that has taken such control over her that i dont even know who this person is (be it another person, alchohol, or drugs)...HOWEVER i have decided i can no longer allow my heart to be broke time and time again by her uncaring actions... to me, to her family, to her brother...TO HER SELF!!! this is NOT the child i raised. and while i miss my "daughter" so much, until she finds her path i can not let her hurt me anylonger. i finished our call yesterday with "if you ever want to call me because, you miss you brother, you want to talk, or if your having a bad day...then call. however if it's for a way to hurt me or for the benefit of "getting" something...dont ever call me again" ~~the pain from this is so very bad and even more so than loosing Dakota because she IS STILL here and lives 2 miles from me....and ALSO because she's my DAUGHTER and i care about her!!! anyways this part of my life stinks and is making life harder to move on. well ted is home and i think i have wrote all i can for tonight. thank you to everyone for all the prayers and love sent to our family and again i ask that you say XXX prayers for sam.
love lannette
thursday feb 1st
hello friends~
well i went to bed at my normal, not so "normal" time, 5:00am. when i feel asleep i did not notice if it was snowing or not however when i woke at 8:30 the ground was covered with a beautiful white blanket. i really thought the first snow of the year would bring me joy however it didnt, i just had this strange thankful feeling but not joy. i thought i would have feelings of being surround by him and feeling his joy, but i didnt. i just felt an empty feeling....wondering why am i not happy?? it is now grey and gloomy out and much of the beautiful snow has turned into slush.....more the way i really
feel. i had these thoughts in my head that when it finally snowed, i would put on Dakota's boots, mittens, and coat ~~and make a snowman...maybe next time. a few years ago, when all seemed bright, not only with Dakota but also
samantha, we had a big wonderful snow, the kids and i went out and made a huge snow "person", it was a boy on one side and a girl on the other. it was a GREAT day and we had lots of fun!!!! thank God for pictures to remind me that we really did have these happy times, because they now seem so long ago. i miss Dakota so very much and seeing the joy in his face on days like that but i also miss that at one time i had a daughter who also had joy....i understand the "part" of Dakota's passing however i will never understand where sam went :( and who she is now. well ted said there is another "system" on the way...with
that i hope a better day, filled with snow people and snow angels :)
today was the first day with no cards in the mail, kinda of a bummer
because as the days go on it seems i really look forward to them...i guess
because in the beginning there are so many, they just kinda all blend together
plus now it seems i find more meaning in each word wrote. although i didnt
get any mail today, Dakota did :) the mail lady (a sub) came to the door and
said "is Dakota home", i thought to myself...yes he is "home" however not
here. i explained to the mail lady that Dakota had passed three weeks ago however
was still getting his "snowflakes" in the mail :) :) :) how cool is that.
thank you all of you who had sent them and also for the pamper gifts to me and
jalena for the hanky angel. God bless all of you :)
love, prayers, hugs, and always "hope and peace" to all :)
love lannette~the FOREVER PROUD momma to Dakota Michael Gay :) :) :) my
little snow eagle :)
Tuesday, January 23, 2007 1:12 AM CST
dear Sweet babe of mine~DAKOTA
ted is working nights, so it's kinda nice to have a little time to myself at night to cry were i want, pray were i want, to have small melt break downs over songs were i want.....each and every day these things happen, however... kinda like "our" life together, i choose to keep these feels mainly between you, God, and i. mommy is over-all doing "good" some moments are harder than others and then i pray OHHHH SO VERY hard and they seem to pass fast. i meet with a woman tomorrow to help me get set up in a support group. i am really looking forward to this. tonight i took a gift to "THE GIRLS NIGHT OUT GANG"....it was pictures of them with you the night before you went Home. you were laughing and eating sushi....they LOVED their gifts. it was "the last" picture of you before you passed. THANK YOU JESUS for that beautiful picture and memory for all of. getting out of the house is kinda tough since, ya can't were P.J.'s everywere ya go and putting on makeup is a job :)~~ mommy went 7 days without brushing her hair (YUCK) however i did wash it LOL, i have all your really cool "STEELERS" put up in the computer room and it looks great!!!! of course i also have tons of photos of you at games...priceless!!!!! i love you so much my sweet babe!!! your old school has asked to come up and make a small video about you to raise money, it will be shown to all the classes in the morning before school starts.....pray that i find the "right" words to say that touch everyones heart about "YOU"....and to not sound like a goofball :)
tons TONS AND EVEN MORE TONS of love to each moment of the day. ted, wylie, noel, puddin-pie, mamm kitty, eggnog, and rex....all send their love and miss you too (but nothing like mommy does :)
sweet dreams for a sweet angel :) :) :)
tell daddy, grandma, and krystle i send my love to them all the time.
i'll write again soon poo poo-pie XOXOXOXO
love mommy~who IS and ALWAYS WILL BE SOOOOOO PROUD OF YOU!!!
dear Lord please hear my prayers, even the ones i just pray while walking around this house a zillion times a day filled with lonliness, Thank You :) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arraingments For Dakota; Dakota Michael Gay Born May 13,1991 Died January 9,2007 Dakota Michael Gay(15) of Lake Wylie South Carolina,Earned his Angel wings Tuesday evening at 8:30 pm at his home surronded by his family and friends.Dakota passed into the arms of Jesus peacefully in his sleep after a 3 year 4 month battle with brain cancer.Dakota was preceeded in death by his father Michael Andrew Gay.Dakota attended Clover High School in Clover,South Carolina where he was to Graduate with the class of 2009.Throughout Dakotas long journey, many things that normal kids were able to do, Dakota was not able to do, however he maintained his wonderful sense of humor and Love for us all.Dakota was a HUGE fan of the Pittsburg Steelers football team and followed them faithfully.Build a Bear was also a large part of his life and he accumulated a total of 17.Although the Journey was a long hard road for us all, we are blessed to have been comforted by a large host of wonderful,caring family and friends and we wish to thank each and every one of you.We wish to thank the staff at The Childrens Specialty Center at Carolinas Medical Center for their outstanding showing of compassion and care for Dakota during the 3 1/2 years of his fight.Although out hearts are broken and he will be missed so much we are comforted in knowing he is finally without pain and at peace~~~~~(arraingements are being made by Mcewen Funeral Service Pineville N.C.) In leiu of flowers we wish donations to be made in Dakotas name to Pediatric/Hematology Oncology,in care of Carolina Health Systems Foundation,1221 East Morehead Street,Charlotte,North Carolina,28204. Services will be held Friday,January 12th at Christ The King Church 13501 York Road,Charlotte,North Carolina,28278 from 2:00pm till 4:00pm
Tuesday, January 23, 2007 1:12 AM CST
dear Sweet babe of mine~DAKOTA
ted is working nights, so it's kinda nice to have a little time to myself at night to cry were i want, pray were i want, to have small melt break downs over songs were i want.....each and every day these things happen, however... kinda like "our" life together, i choose to keep these feels mainly between you, God, and i. mommy is over-all doing "good" some moments are harder than others and then i pray OHHHH SO VERY hard and they seem to pass fast. i meet with a woman tomorrow to help me get set up in a support group. i am really looking forward to this. tonight i took a gift to "THE GIRLS NIGHT OUT GANG"....it was pictures of them with you the night before you went Home. you were laughing and eating sushi....they LOVED there gifts. it was "the last" picture of you before you passed. THANK YOU JESUS for that beautiful picture and memory for all of. getting out of the house is kinda tough since, ya can't were P.J.'s everywere ya go and putting on makeup is a job :)~~ mommy went 7 days without brushing her hair (YUCK) however i did wash it LOL, i have all your really cool "STEELERS" put up in the computor room and it looks great!!!! of corse i also have tons of photos of you at games...priceless!!!!! i love you so much my sweet babe!!! your old scholl has asked to come up and make a small vedio about you to raise money, it will be shown to all the classes in the moring before school starts.....pray that i find the "right" words to say that touch everyones heart about "YOU"....and to not sound like a goofball :)
tons TONS AND EVEN MORE TONS of love to each moment of the day. ted, wylie, noel, puddin-pie, mamm kitty, eggnog, and rex....all send their love and miss you too (but nothing like mommy does :)
sweet dreams for a sweet angel :) :) :)
tell daddy, grandma, and krystle i send my love to them all the time.
i'll write again soon poo poo-pie XOXOXOXO
love mommy~who IS and ALWAYS WILL BE SOOOOOO PROUD OF YOU!!!
dear Lord please hear my prayers, even the ones i just pray while walking around this house a zillion times a day filled with loneliness, Thank You :)
Tuesday, January 23, 2007 1:12 AM CST
dear Sweet babe of mine~DAKOTA
ted is working nights, so it's kinda nice to have a little time to myself at night to cry were i want, pray were i want, to have small melt break downs over songs were i want.....each and every day these things happen, however... kinda like "our" life together, i choose to keep these feels mainly between you, God, and i. mommy is over-all doing "good" some moments are harder than others and then i pray OHHHH SO VERY hard and they seem to pass fast. i meet with a woman tomorrow to help me get set up in a support group. i am really looking forward to this. tonight i took a gift to "THE GIRLS NIGHT OUT GANG"....it was pictures of them with you the night before you went Home. you were laughing and eating sushi....they LOVED there gifts. it was "the last" picture of you before you passed. THANK YOU JESUS for that beautiful picture and memory for all of us. getting out of the house is kinda tough since, ya can't were P.J.'s everywere ya go and putting on makeup is a job :)~~ mommy went 7 days without brushing her hair (YUCK) however i did wash it LOL, i have all your really cool "STEELERS" put up in the computor room and it looks great!!!! of corse i also have tons of photos of you at games...priceless!!!!! i love you so much my sweet babe!!! your old school has asked to come up and make a small video about you to raise money, it will be shown to all the classes in the moring before school starts.....pray that i find the "right" words to say that touch everyones heart about "YOU"....and to not sound like a goofball :)
tons TONS AND EVEN MORE TONS of love to each moment of the day. ted, wylie, noel, puddin-pie, mamm kitty, eggnog, and rex....all send their love and miss you too (but nothing like mommy does :)
sweet dreams for a sweet angel :) :) :)
tell daddy, grandma, and krystle i send my love to them all the time.
i'll write again soon poo poo-pie XOXOXOXO
love mommy~who IS and ALWAYS WILL BE SOOOOOO PROUD OF YOU!!!
dear Lord please hear my prayers, even the ones i just pray while walking around this house a zillion times a day filled with lonliness, Thank You :)
Tuesday, January 23, 2007 1:12 AM CST
dear Sweet babe of mine~DAKOTA
ted is working nights, so it's kinda nice to have a little time to myself at night to cry were i want, pray were i want, to have small melt break downs over songs were i want.....each and every day these things happen, however... kinda like "our" life together, i choose to keep these feels mainly between you, God, and i. mommy is over-all doing "good" some moments are harder than others and then i pray OHHHH SO VERY hard and they seem to pass fast. i meet with a woman tomorrow to help me get set up in a support group. i am really looking forward to this. tonight i took a gift to "THE GIRLS NIGHT OUT GANG"....it was pictures of them with you the night before you went Home. you were laughing and eating sushi....they LOVED there gifts. it was "the last" picture of you before you passed. THANK YOU JESUS for that beautiful picture and memory for all of. getting out of the house is kinda tough since, ya can't were P.J.'s everywere ya go and putting on makeup is a job :)~~ mommy went 7 days without brushing her hair (YUCK) however i did wash it LOL, i have all your really cool "STEELERS" put up in the computor room and it looks great!!!! of corse i also have tons of photos of you at games...priceless!!!!! i love you so much my sweet babe!!! your old scholl has asked to come up and make a small vedio about you to raise money, it will be shown to all the classes in the moring before school starts.....pray that i find the "right" words to say that touch everyones heart about "YOU"....and to not sound like a goofball :)
tons TONS AND EVEN MORE TONS of love to each moment of the day. ted, wylie, noel, puddin-pie, mamm kitty, eggnog, and rex....all send their love and miss you too (but nothing like mommy does :)
sweet dreams for a sweet angel :) :) :)
tell daddy, grandma, and krystle i send my love to them all the time.
i'll write again soon poo poo-pie XOXOXOXO
love mommy~who IS and ALWAYS WILL BE SOOOOOO PROUD OF YOU!!!
dear Lord please hear my prayers, even the ones i just pray while walking around this house a zillion times a day filled with lonliness, Thank You :)
Wednesday, January 17, 2007 10:46 PM CST
dear family and friends~
there's so much to write...so much to say....so many feelings that have been in my heart for the past nine days. this is the time from the day dakota went Home, the 9th, until today. i would like to share with all of you what this has been~~~~~
as all of you know the weeks before Dakota's passing was filled with many warm and wonderful memories however it was also filled with many moments of me praying for my sweet baby to "have peace", to "have no pain", "to not fear what was to come"....as a mom who loved her babe MORE than ANY word could EVER describe, my heart ached because HE was only a child, so no matter what "peace" i talked of that he would have......(i am praying to find the words).......he was very frightened of a "place" (world) without his mommy. i have NO doubt that now he is in Heaven, he understands what i was trying to explain to him, however....i FELT his fear, this breaks my heart. so while i rejoyce in the fact that he is with his Heavenly Father and his Daddy :) and that CANCER can no longer touch him, make him scared, take away from him, and all that this ugly beast has brought.....i feel kinda sad that i could not really show him the "peace" to come. ~~~~~~ the "after" life of loosing your child is a road filled with guilt, emptiness, questions (with no answers), loneliness (no matter how many people are around)....it's finding a new path because the road you were "just on", ended. unless you have ever had this happen you could never imagine what this is to ones heart. i MISS Dakota with ALL i have but in the same breathe, am so very thankful for him being "done". done with having to fight SOOO hard (but babe, what a GREAT fighter you ARE!!!!!)
the "snow flakes" are still coming in. since Dakota's passing, i know i have opened AT least 40 packages :) :) :) i still have them all around the house but also have great plans for all the ones i could not hang.~~~the clinic were dak was treated, will be decorated so beatiful next year!!! i have saved them and WILL use them, and thoughts of Dakota will be floating all over CMC. if i had to guess, i would say that dakota recieved (so far) about 10,000 snow flakes, WOW!!!!! thank you SOOOOOOOOO much from My true felt heart.
this part is about Dakota's service~~~it was by FAR the most beautiful celebration of his life. it was all he and i talked about, the night before THANKSgiving. i wish i could share it with all of you that were unable to be here. with the great help of friends and family, we had taken MANY pictures of dakota and had them blown up to 5x7 and 8x10 (LOTS & LOTS!!!). i had all his favorite stuff there, like.....his build a bears (all 17), LOTS of "STEELERS" stuff, a video playing on many tv's and a huge screen behind his casket, of pictures from the first one when he was born up to now (thank you rob), there was also a BEATIFUL ice sculpture with a "snow flake, in memory of DAKOTA" next to the casket (thank you leslie and friend), and every word that was spoken was about wonderful times and "peace". you could feel Gods love throughout EVERY step and EVERY breathe taken. friends got up to speak words of memories and comfort and even i got up and read the "I HOPE" poem. i have not seen yet the video taken from that day however ALL the memories of "love", "peace", and "hope for others" are very strong in my heart, without even seeing the tape :) :) :) ~~~with all being what it was (sad) i could have not been more pleased with what the "word" of the service was.....DAKOTA :) :) :)
since his passing~~~~~my heart has had so much sadness in missing THE love of my life however i have to say that with every second i feel God and His loving Son Jesus Christ, carry me through all of it. don't think for one second that i am not without breakdowns filled with confushion and also feelings of numbness as to "how can this really be?"~~~but i truly thank God those feelings pass some-what quick, and i find my THANKSgivings again.~~~yesterday was a hard day, in re-living all that happened at the same time last week. i watched the clock every moment starting at 4:00pm when i went to check on him last tuesday before going to do a little yard work.~~~ i lived 4:00 when i walked in to see him awake but totally different from the night before (morning, for us since dak and i did'nt go to sleep until 6:00am), i lived 4:45 when i called hospice to just come and "check his stats", i lived THE LAST WORDS i heard from him before i gave him medicine to help him sleep because he was crying in so much pain from his head hurting (not knowing i would NEVER hear his voice again, nor would he ever wake from this), i lived when i was with him and just walked out thinking it would still be "awhile"; to update his site to let others know what was going on, i lived the MOMENT everyone came rushing to me saying "we think he's gone", i LIVED the GUILT of not being there by his side for this precious moment, i lived sitting by his side and my heart BEGGING for on more breathe, i lived calling hospice back to say that he had passed, i lived taking in EVERY smell i could get; every kiss i could "give"; every detail once again of his beatiful face, i lived giving him his last bath; in the bed and changing his clothes for the last time, i lived dreading the moment that he would have to leave the house...it was 11:42pm. ~~~~throughout this "time" of remembering last tuesday, ted and i watched "DAKOTA :) tapes". we laughed and cried so much for our loss of our sweet boy. i went to bed (every night since dakota has passed) around 5:00 or maybe 7:00 am~~~sleep and i are not friends right now but i hope that changes soon. today has been very hard. we had a very small (not to me!!!) problem with something at the funeral home, dakota's belongings were misplaced and i have been in PANIC mode!!!! they were found (thank you Jesus!!!!) and i really thought the funeral home we had was GREAT in doing all our wishes, but this one thing was all i needed (i guess on top of everything else) to send me over the edge.....but it was fixed and now i am SOOOOOO much better!!!! we picked up dakota's remains and that was very tough to say the least! dakota sat in my lap the whole ride back to our home while i cried knowing this was once "my baby", but again i found GREAT comfort in really knowing where he is but at the same time comfort in knowing he was once again....in my arms. i kissed the box as if it was my sweet baby and when we got home i took the bag out and held it near and OHHHHH so dear to my heart, i told ted "i can feel my heart beating for the both of us" really i TRULY felt a totally new beat in my heart!!!! this was a beatiful comfort to me!!! ~~~i know many are having a hard time with my choice on having dakota cremated and believe me i prayed on this SOOOOOOO very much, it's what DAKOTA wanted and my heart KNOWS i did the right thing! not only for him to honor his wishes but for me too. (later i will explain more on how i feel about this).~~~~~throughout these past few days i have said MANY prayers for "a sign" although my heart KNOWS!!!! dakota is is in Heaven where he belongs,i just needed some type of sign from him...i have looked, i have listen with my ears, i have listen with my heart, i have begged God to PLEASE help me "see" this~~yesterday my wind chimes were going NUTS and i thought maybe this was my sign since dakota bought them for me and a few of our other very close friends....but my heart just did'nt feel "it". i questioned myself over and over "was that it?" but i still could not feel it.~~~~well the sign came today :) :) :) when we got home. i had "the lost bag" from the funeral home with dakota's stuff in it and also his remains in my hand, i sat them down on the counter because we also had other stuff to bring in....when i walked in I SAW IT :) :) :) ~~~~~~the bag was a bag of dakota's from a store called "American Eagel" ~~~~~~something SOOO cool just happen to me!!!!thank you God, thank you Jesus!!!!! i will explain to all in a moment. but i will say The Holy Spirit is working some WONDERFUL overtime in my house :) :)~~~~~~~ on the bag is a picture of a young man, blowing a kiss in a "winter wonder land" (CHRISTmas bag), the boy on the bag looks JUST like dakota except not sick. i had wrote yesterday or the day before on another site and asked God to please let dakota send me a "kiss"!! ok so now here is the REALLY cool part :) :) :) ~God and His Son Jesus, knew long before dakota had passed that i would want " A " sign, so they sent the "eagel" days before dakota's passing, They knew it was a "kiss" i needed, They knew today would be very hard on me..........SO with Dakota's remains and were i placed them along with the "American EAGEL" bag.....They sent me my much needed sign. i know you must think i am totally nuts but i am NOT!!! i just KNOW with EVERYTHING i have the good Lord sent me what i needed and He did it with some humor (i think Michael and Dakota had a hand in this LOL). i just want all of you to know that i have had to force myself to update because of my sadness but now i feel SOOOOOOO much peace, so much TRUE joy~~i wish i could share this love that God has given to me with all of you. if it were not nearly 3:00am a would call everyone :) :) :)!!!
thank you Jesus, thank you God for the most wonderful blessing through this hard time, and what a blessings it is!!! ~~GREAT things will be done in HIS name :)
love lannette~THE FOREVER!!!! PROUD!!!! momma to Dakota Michael Gay :) :) :)
saturday the 20th~
with all that i have to comfort me, TED!!!! and of corse good friends and my sister....my heart still remains with a hole in it and yes....samantha has added to that hole. i feel lost, well really quit numb...nothing good, nothing bad~~just hear. just here to try to figure out were to go from here. for the "stromg" woman i know i am, i have never felt so weak..... todays a yucky day however we always have tomorrow :)
saturday 20th
dear sweet angel of mine, dakota~
hello sweetheart. i just wanted to write to you to tell you how VERY much mommy misses you. there is a whole in my heart that can not be filled....not with knowing where you are and how beautiful your life now must be!!! not by God's love for me, not by seeing all the precious pictures of you all around the house, not by all the wonderful memories we shared and each and ever special moment we shared when it was just the two of, not by the AWESOME "sign" God allowed you to send me...your "kiss"~~~~~it's just BROKEN!!! and i guess all that will make it feel even a little better is "time" and the thoughts of KNOWING one day i WILL see your funny, warm, sweet, BEAUTIFUL, loving face again. but for today, my heart aches and earns so much for you. i have shared so much with you in our short time together and i REALLY miss that. thank you for being THE BEST SON anyone could have ever dreamed of or asked for. you truly are a "ONE" of a kind, filled with so much care for others, so much humor, so much love.....i am so very PROUD to be your mommy!!!!! THANK YOU Lord, again and again for the blessing of the most beautiful gift...our son DAKOTA :) :) :)
i will write you again soon poo-poopie.
love forever and ever, your VERY PROUD!!!!! mommy
ps~ your kitty is a mess :) breaking more stuff than ted and picking on the other animals, wanting to play with them :)
MANY kisses up to Heaven~love mommyxxoxxoxxoxxoxxo
sunday21sthello sweet baby Dakota
hi my sweet angel. i just looked at the photos of you that were still on the camera, your last pictures :( oh how i miss you. i have been carring JC with me all day. ted says i'm gonna have that poor monkey worn out carry him all around. i kiss him all the time (although not near as often i kissed you). he smells like you and that makes my heart feel good. i close my eyes and see in my heart you. i hold him like the many ways i use to be able to hold you. what i would'nt give to hold you just once more, to smell you just once more, to kiss you just once more, and to tell you how very much i LOVE you and....ALWAYS WILL. sleep well tonight my sweetheart and have beautiful dreams...i am praying for dreams of you :)
all my love always :)
love your FOREVER proud mommy
Wednesday, January 17, 2007 10:46 PM CST
dear family and friends~
there's so much to write...so much to say....so many feelings that have been in my heart for the past nine days. this is the time from the day dakota went Home, the 9th, until today. i would like to share with all of you what this has been~~~~~
as all of you know the weeks before Dakota's passing was filled with many warm and wonderful memories however it was also filled with many moments of me praying for my sweet baby to "have peace", to "have no pain", "to not fear what was to come"....as a mom who loved her babe MORE than ANY word could EVER describe, my heart ached because HE was only a child, so no matter what "peace" i talked of that he would have......(i am praying to find the words).......he was very frightened of a "place" (world) without his mommy. i have NO doubt that now he is in Heaven, he understands what i was trying to explain to him, however....i FELT his fear, this breaks my heart. so while i rejoyce in the fact that he is with his Heavenly Father and his Daddy :) and that CANCER can no longer touch him, make him scared, take away from him, and all that this ugly beast has brought.....i feel kinda sad that i could not really show him the "peace" to come. ~~~~~~ the "after" life of loosing your child is a road filled with guilt, emptiness, questions (with no answers), loneliness (no matter how many people are around)....it's finding a new path because the road you were "just on", ended. unless you have ever had this happen you could never imagine what this is to ones heart. i MISS Dakota with ALL i have but in the same breathe, am so very thankful for him being "done". done with having to fight SOOO hard (but babe, what a GREAT fighter you ARE!!!!!)
the "snow flakes" are still coming in. since Dakota's passing, i know i have opened AT least 40 packages :) :) :) i still have them all around the house but also have great plans for all the ones i could not hang.~~~the clinic were dak was treated, will be decorated so beatiful next year!!! i have saved them and WILL use them, and thoughts of Dakota will be floating all over CMC. if i had to guess, i would say that dakota recieved (so far) about 10,000 snow flakes, WOW!!!!! thank you SOOOOOOOOO much from My true felt heart.
this part is about Dakota's service~~~it was by FAR the most beautiful celebration of his life. it was all he and i talked about, the night before THANKSgiving. i wish i could share it with all of you that were unable to be here. with the great help of friends and family, we had taken MANY pictures of dakota and had them blown up to 5x7 and 8x10 (LOTS & LOTS!!!). i had all his favorite stuff there, like.....his build a bears (all 17), LOTS of "STEELERS" stuff, a video playing on many tv's and a huge screen behind his casket, of pictures from the first one when he was born up to now (thank you rob), there was also a BEATIFUL ice sculpture with a "snow flake, in memory of DAKOTA" next to the casket (thank you leslie and friend), and every word that was spoken was about wonderful times and "peace". you could feel Gods love throughout EVERY step and EVERY breathe taken. friends got up to speak words of memories and comfort and even i got up and read the "I HOPE" poem. i have not seen yet the video taken from that day however ALL the memories of "love", "peace", and "hope for others" are very strong in my heart, without even seeing the tape :) :) :) ~~~with all being what it was (sad) i could have not been more pleased with what the "word" of the service was.....DAKOTA :) :) :)
since his passing~~~~~my heart has had so much sadness in missing THE love of my life however i have to say that with every second i feel God and His loving Son Jesus Christ, carry me through all of it. don't think for one second that i am not without breakdowns filled with confushion and also feelings of numbness as to "how can this really be?"~~~but i truly thank God those feelings pass some-what quick, and i find my THANKSgivings again.~~~yesterday was a hard day, in re-living all that happened at the same time last week. i watched the clock every moment starting at 4:00pm when i went to check on him last tuesday before going to do a little yard work.~~~ i lived 4:00 when i walked in to see him awake but totally different from the night before (morning, for us since dak and i did'nt go to sleep until 6:00am), i lived 4:45 when i called hospice to just come and "check his stats", i lived THE LAST WORDS i heard from him before i gave him medicine to help him sleep because he was crying in so much pain from his head hurting (not knowing i would NEVER hear his voice again, nor would he ever wake from this), i lived when i was with him and just walked out thinking it would still be "awhile"; to update his site to let others know what was going on, i lived the MOMENT everyone came rushing to me saying "we think he's gone", i LIVED the GUILT of not being there by his side for this precious moment, i lived sitting by his side and my heart BEGGING for on more breathe, i lived calling hospice back to say that he had passed, i lived taking in EVERY smell i could get; every kiss i could "give"; every detail once again of his beatiful face, i lived giving him his last bath; in the bed and changing his clothes for the last time, i lived dreading the moment that he would have to leave the house...it was 11:42pm. ~~~~throughout this "time" of remembering last tuesday, ted and i watched "DAKOTA :) tapes". we laughed and cried so much for our loss of our sweet boy. i went to bed (every night since dakota has passed) around 5:00 or maybe 7:00 am~~~sleep and i are not friends right now but i hope that changes soon. today has been very hard. we had a very small (not to me!!!) problem with something at the funeral home, dakota's belongings were misplaced and i have been in PANIC mode!!!! they were found (thank you Jesus!!!!) and i really thought the funeral home we had was GREAT in doing all our wishes, but this one thing was all i needed (i guess on top of everything else) to send me over the edge.....but it was fixed and now i am SOOOOOO much better!!!! we picked up dakota's remains and that was very tough to say the least! dakota sat in my lap the whole ride back to our home while i cried knowing this was once "my baby", but again i found GREAT comfort in really knowing where he is but at the same time comfort in knowing he was once again....in my arms. i kissed the box as if it was my sweet baby and when we got home i took the bag out and held it near and OHHHHH so dear to my heart, i told ted "i can feel my heart beating for the both of us" really i TRULY felt a totally new beat in my heart!!!! this was a beatiful comfort to me!!! ~~~i know many are having a hard time with my choice on having dakota cremated and believe me i prayed on this SOOOOOOO very much, it's what DAKOTA wanted and my heart KNOWS i did the right thing! not only for him to honor his wishes but for me too. (later i will explain more on how i feel about this).~~~~~throughout these past few days i have said MANY prayers for "a sign" although my heart KNOWS!!!! dakota is is in Heaven where he belongs,i just needed some type of sign from him...i have looked, i have listen with my ears, i have listen with my heart, i have begged God to PLEASE help me "see" this~~yesterday my wind chimes were going NUTS and i thought maybe this was my sign since dakota bought them for me and a few of our other very close friends....but my heart just did'nt feel "it". i questioned myself over and over "was that it?" but i still could not feel it.~~~~well the sign came today :) :) :) when we got home. i had "the lost bag" from the funeral home with dakota's stuff in it and also his remains in my hand, i sat them down on the counter because we also had other stuff to bring in....when i walked in I SAW IT :) :) :) ~~~~~~the bag was a bag of dakota's from a store called "American Eagel" ~~~~~~something SOOO cool just happen to me!!!!thank you God, thank you Jesus!!!!! i will explain to all in a moment. but i will say The Holy Spirit is working some WONDERFUL overtime in my house :) :)~~~~~~~ on the bag is a picture of a young man, blowing a kiss in a "winter wonder land" (CHRISTmas bag), the boy on the bag looks JUST like dakota except not sick. i had wrote yesterday or the day before on another site and asked God to please let dakota send me a "kiss"!! ok so now here is the REALLY cool part :) :) :) ~God and His Son Jesus, knew long before dakota had passed that i would want " A " sign, so they sent the "eagel" days before dakota's passing, They knew it was a "kiss" i needed, They knew today would be very hard on me..........SO with Dakota's remains and were i placed them along with the "American EAGEL" bag.....They sent me my much needed sign. i know you must think i am totally nuts but i am NOT!!! i just KNOW with EVERYTHING i have the good Lord sent me what i needed and He did it with some humor (i think Michael and Dakota had a hand in this LOL). i just want all of you to know that i have had to force myself to update because of my sadness but now i feel SOOOOOOO much peace, so much TRUE joy~~i wish i could share this love that God has given to me with all of you. if it were not nearly 3:00am a would call everyone :) :) :)!!!
thank you Jesus, thank you God for the most wonderful blessing through this hard time, and what a blessings it is!!! ~~GREAT things will be done in HIS name :)
love lannette~THE FOREVER!!!! PROUD!!!! momma to Dakota Michael Gay :) :) :)
Tuesday, January 16, 2007 2:09 AM CST
hello everyone~
WOW!!! what a week it has been! i have SOOOO very much to tell you from 4:00pm tuesday the 9th that has led up to now, however i really still do not have the strength to do that. i PROMISE in the days to come i will share allllllll of it (because it was so truly beautiful!!!) , but for tonight i am here to write to ya'll and tell you how VERY sad i am.everything "WE" may have had planned is now gone. today (the 15th) has been a very long and hard day for me in knowing it's going to be ONE week since i have heard my sweet baby dakota's voice, a week since i got a kiss, a week since i laid next to him "reading his favorite story.........a WEEK A WEEK..... A WEEK!!!!i have so much i really want to say but at this time i dont think i can because my mind is in a fog of pain and hurt. this by far is THE worst of the worst!!!! there could be NOTHING harder than loosing your baby....."your SOUL mate". i make myself proud by walking "the steps" AND doing what i KNOW Dakota would want me to do but even with this .....it's SOOOOOOOOOO very hard. my dreams and heart KNOWWWWWW that so much good WILL come out of this..but for today~~~i miss my sweet baby "Dakota"-----------is that not one of the most beautiful names you have ever heared!!!!! i miss him with ALL i have and each day and night i pray that God Himself direct me into the path i was chosen to do...as long as it honors Dakota and the SOOOO many chidren like him.~~~~~i know this is silly but if i could walk the streets and talk and talk (scream) i just KNOW i could get "someone" to listen~~~~~~~~~~~~~~it's no longer for Dakota, it's no longer for me.....IT'S FOR THE "NEXT" PARENT TO HEAR THE DREADED WORDS OF CANCER!!!! I AM NOT SURE HOW I WILL DO "IT" BUT BET YOUR BOTTOM, I WILL !!!!!(get the word out!!!!!) i dont think any parent should have to go into this "blind", no we DON"T know the answers but there is...HOPE....A FRIEND....SOMEONE WHO'S WALKED THE PATH and that you can call "a friend". i know what i have in my head as to what i would like to do howvere.....many places see this as a "burden" or should i say an insight to what "families" should NOT know????? there is SOOOOOOO much more to it than that~~~~~how's about "just a friend" who understands and can really help.~~~~~~~~~~~you guys on my groups, i think you know what i mean. would you have liked to have had a parent that walked just a bit of the "path" before you??? please answer from your heart....i know i would have LOVED to connect with another medulloblastoma (that was hard to write) when this started. my prayer tonight is that ....YOU.... prayer for what it "IS" that i need, or better yet said~~~~"who needs me?" i really with all my heart,all my love,all i've got KNOw that i want to be with "these"kids. so that is now my new prayer :) help me to find my place :)
i will write more in a day or so on Dakota's service. it was SOOOOOOO perfect~~~so beautiful!!!!thank you to MY loving God and His Son Jesus Christ for giving me this blessing and for seeing me through my days. (ps give my babe a HUGE smooch from his momma, THANK YOU)
i am breathing today (well, right now)~~~ however i will have to say------it's hard to do without you. i can not help that my lungs fill with sadness, tears,and just plain aching of missing you Dakota. sweet baby you ARE ONE of a kind (well except that daddy thing :) :) :) :) :) i love you forever and ever with ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL i could have ever loved with. take care my sweet angel and send me a dream but a sign will do :) love you SOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
much and ALWAYS will!!!!!!!
love mommy~THE FOREVER PROUD momma to Dakota Michael Gay
Tuesday, January 9, 2007 11:47 PM CST
i have really no words that i can find to start this post...
dakota EARNED his angel wings tonight at 8:30. thank you Jesus for the calming peace "you" have given to me. dakota left this earth and went into his eternal life with such peace and for this i am SOOOOOO grateful!!! again thank you Jesus!!! it is so very strange for me to write this update because it's always been "someone elses child". and although with each child i have watch pass....it's not the same as your own baby. which is why i have to say yet one more time....PLEASE not only pray for me and my family tonight but for those who are walking the same journey. my prayers have been answered and that was for dakota to go in peace but now my prayers are...for God to direct me into a path that will help others going through the same thing.
OHHHHHH how i miss Dakota SOOOOOOO much already however i truly have a picture of the JOY he is having even while i write this!!! i have NO doubt that not only Jesus greeted Dakota with loving arms but his daddy was RIGHT there to show him all the beauty he was to see. i am SOOOO very jealous not to share this with dakota however in time i KNOW i will!!!
although i know Dakota (his body) is not here, i feel him taking care of me. before he passed i sang a song to him that i sing to him everyday "I LOVE YOU BABE, AND IF IT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT, I NEED YOU BABE, ECT...." when he was awake i talk to him again about NOT being scared, he said he was so tired of being scared.....those are words NO parent should ever have to hear, but if you must, like so many of us that have babies with this damn illness...i hope that from your hearts you can reassure them of the life they WILL have and with that life comes no pain. no sadness, no doctors, no hospitals.....there IS alife where you get to be "just" a NORMAL kid again. i hope that Dakota heard me say this, and i hope that he felt how much i meant this. well at this point i know i am no longer making much sense and need to get some rest.~~~~PLEASE in your prayers say "Thank you Jesus for taking Dakota home where he should be"
i will write more soon on Dakota's service which WILL be nothing but a HUGE celebration of his life and what a WONDERFUL!!!! blessing that beautiful child was to me and the gift from God i had (have).
love lannette~the VERY PROUD momma to Dakota Michael Gay
Friday, January 5, 2007 6:22 PM CST
dear friends and family~
since my last update, things are moving very fast. i see differnt changes in dakota each day. we went wednesday to see Dr McMahon...it was daks last visit with him :( oh how i will miss all of them SOOOOO much. it was a heartbreaking visit, saying goodbye to the wonderful folks we have come to love so very much. thank you to all of you for blessings our lives with the care you have given, the love WE HAVE felt from all of you, and for helping make this journey a bit easier. i admire each of you so much!!
dakota had been asleep all day except to get up once to use the restroom however his head hurt so bad that he went right back to sleep. his hospice nurse, dawn was over today to increase the amount of morphine dakota gets through his pump, i hope it helps. this maybe why he is sleeping all day, it's hard to say if it's the drugs or just his body "getting ready". i am thankful to see him get the rest and it gives me time to get some things done around the house that so need to be done before he passes...however i REALLY do miss him while he is "just" asleep, but if sleeping is what he needs to not feel the pain...i am grateful. i have not had anything to make me laugh or really even smile about today, because even with dakota being so sick...that's what he does. he makes you laugh and smile~~~i will miss that. he catches me so many times jsut staring at him with a smile (LOVE) on my face and he says to me, "mommy, you are so beautiful, i love to see you smile"~~~i will miss that.
i am very tired so for now this is all i have however check in often, i will add as things go along. if i add something it may come up at the bottom of this update so scroll down to check.
once again i ask that you PLEASE keep all the children fighting this battle in your prayers and the families too. thank you
love lannette~PROUD momma to dakota
oh more beautful note to share~~~
today as i sat outside for a moment, i saw an American Bald Eagle flying around right infront of my house. i sat and watched him for a bit and even got to see him catch a fish for his dinner then a huge storm came up and he flew away. just moments after the storm the sun started to shine and two beautiful
rainbows came up....all this right outside dakotas bedroom window. i knew in my heart that these were signs of spirts, God sending angels to watch over us. it brought a calming peace to my heart :) i just wish dakota could have seen them.
i have to tell you THANK YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH for all the snowflakes!!! oh my stars they are so beautiful !!! keep them coming because i think i may also use them in dakota's service when that time comes. he was unable to open them because he has not been awake long enough so i went ahead and opened them tonight for him so that i could get them up so when he does wake up he can see ALLLL them :) :) :) thank you from my heart so much...you all are so WONDERFUL!!!!
Friday, December 29, 2006 0:03 AM EST
hello everyone~
i am writing to tell ya'll of what a GREAT night we had, filled with many blessings from our friends The Cullons...however before i do that i must tell you all of some REALLY sad news that came to us tonight and we NEED your help in some prayer for some WONDERFUL friends. our dear friend dave palin needs your help through prayers, he is a kind and wonderful soul that is so caring~so please with all my heart i ask that you pray for him and his family tonight and the days to come. dave suffered a brain aneursym yesterday and is not doing well. this is a man who heart is so kind, so giving, and has a family with three young children and his wife anne. I DO BEG of you to PLEASE add him to your prayers that God see him through this, he is a young man who still has SOOO much to offer to all around him.~~~my prayers are with you dave XO love lannette, ted, and dakota..**************Update on Dave Palin 1/1/07...Dave did not have a brain aneursym as previously thought but has a severe brain infection.He is doing better as of this writing.will update this when i know more...Ted
our night tonight was GRAND :) :) :) dakota's best pal (one of the jakes) has been out of town so we did not get to do CHRISTmas together yet, they just got home last night. well tonight we all met for dinner at a place dakota has wanted to go to for some time. dinner was GREAT!!!! we shared alot of laughs and many pictures. after dinner we went to the cullons house were the laughs just kept going. we got to see the "CHRISTmas Tree" they bought, JUST for DAKOTA~~~it was beautiful (and HUGE!!!like dakota had asked for). he had bought everyone he loves "special" gifts this year, from just him, it was fun watching him give them out. we all had a wonderful time!!! i feel an overwhelming sense of God's love in all our blessings this holiday season. CHRISTmas at my sisters house was GREAT!!! the decorations, this year were GREAT!!! the love in my heart feels GREAT!!! of corse with that "one" ugly thing in our lives....i could NOT feel more blessed than what i do now!!!! my blessings are to many to mention, however one more I HAVE to add is "The Dakota CHRISTmas Wreath" that was made by carla's sister, sandy~~~it is BY FAR my MOST favorite decoration in the house plus has a GREAT story behind it (dina sweetie ;)
i am sure yours is great also...waiting for the picture).
i just feel that for a family going through such hard times...why do i feel more blessed than most??? i WILL tell you why, God LIVES inside me and has given me a light to see ALL my blessings :) :) :) i cherish this feeling and although i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO very tired, i could not be more thankful. i wish i could share this "light". this "feeling" with EVERYONE i love, however you HAVE to find it within yourselves, and when you do or if you have~~~then you will know what i am so appreciative of, so thank for. "we can NOT change "The plan" however we CAN cherish all the "BEST" on the path of the journey", this IS MY QUOTE that i think we should all try to feel and live by with all our hearts, if not...your already gone.
many blessings to all :) and have a wonderful day.
love lannette~PROUD momma to dakota michael gay :) :) :)
this is from my last post....
i have what i think is a GREAT idea to get us some "snow" for dakota however i need ALOT of help with it...so if any of you are good at making those cute cut out snow flakes, i was thinking maybe many of you could make one and dress it up with glitter or anything sparkly and send them to dakota. i was then gonna take them and put them up on our ceiling over dakota's bed and all around the house. i know it's not the real thing however i think he would love this SOOOOO much :) :) for any of you that would like to help with this, i GREATLY appreciate it. the address on this site is were they can be sent.
sorry we have not got the new pictures on here yet, but hope to real soon.
also EggNog is cute as can be but VERY wild too...we love him VERY much!!! however i have some advice for those going to get new kitten, don't pick out the most quiet one, their are just fooling you until you get them home then they become the most rowdy ones!!!
tonight was a WONDERFUL night and i just wanted to share it with all of you.
oh just one more thing :) i told ya'll that dakota was so very excited about the gift "HE" was getting me for CHRISTmas with "HIS" own money...well it was a ring and the most BEAUTIFUL ring i have ever seen!!! he was so proud to give me such a wonderful gift!!however like i said it could have been a leaf or rock and i would have cherished it just as much. the sweet thing was that he could have spent this money on himself and ted would have gladly charged (LOL) it for him however it was very important to dakota that he pay for it with his own money. what a sweet baby i have!!!! God truly blessed me with the LOVE of this child :) :) :)
have a blessed and wonderful night.
love lannette~PROUD momma to dakota :)
PLEASE keep our friend dave in your prayers, i will update on him when we hear something~~~~thank you :)...Dave is doing better as of 1/1/07.Thanks for the Prayers.Ted
Tuesday, December 26, 2006 6:24 PM CST
i have also added an update at the bottom, as to how "our date" went.
hello everyone~
well once again CHRISTmas has came and gone. although we did the best we could this year~~it just was not the same. dakota gave me a very small CHRISTmas list with very little toys on it, so shopping was very tough. ever time i put something in my cart i would put it back, not wanting to make him sad because he could not play with it.....needless to say he got LOTS of comfy clothes and movies...things he could "still" enjoy. today we had to the clinic to get platelets and he asked me 100 times "why are we going to the doctors on CHRISTmas?" he is very confused at times and sharp as a tack at other times. it was so sad to see him search EVERY radio station looking for CHRISTmas music and when he asked why there was none, i had to tell him it is over :( he just said in a somewhat sad low voice "it is?". although each day for us has bitter sweet memories and moments, we still have so much to be thankful for and smile about. i wish so BAD that it would snow!!! dakota really wants to see snow and help me build a snowman :) i am gonna have ted get on line and see how much it would be to have someone come and "snow" our yard. we saw on the news the other day that people in LA are having it done and if they can do it there then surely they can do it in the carolinas :)
it's very hard for me to write on how dakota is doing, it changes from moment to moment. i will say we are doing alot of our "last" time stuff, some good some not so good. tomorrow, God willing, dakota and i have have another "mom / son date day", we are going to build a bear at the mall, to the movies, and out for dinner at his favorite sushi place...all of which i know will be his last at these. besides snow, i wish i could just hire someone to follow dakota and i everywhere we go to take tons of video and pictures for me. i want to have every moment from here on out on video :( i miss him already :))) SOOO very much!!!
well i will write more later, no mojo right now.
love lannette~PROUD momma to dakota :)
here is an update on mine and dakota's "date"~~we had a beauitful time filled with wonderful memories. we both decided since it was a "date" we would get dressed up in our good clothes :) we went to the mall so that he could spend some of his gift cards. we did not get to make it to build a bear because we got a late start however if dakota does not have to get blood friday, we are going to do this. he got to shop and get himself some new clothes (all the comfy stuff he loves), then we went to his favorite place to eat, then hit a movie (scary of corse). we held hands every where we went and he told me over and over how much he loved me and what a good time he was having :) we took a video of the whole night and pictures too. everywhere we went folks asked us if we were celebrating something? we said "no", just having a "mom and son date" however in my heart i was CELEBRATING EVERY MOMENT!!! our love is so very special and i TRULY with all my heart, thank God for every second we have and even more so on moments like tonight. we are trying to make big plans for The New Year also...however this time, ted gets to go with us ;)
i have what i think is a GREAT idea to get us some "snow" for dakota however i need ALOT of help with it...so if any of you are good at making those cute cut out snow flakes, i was thinking maybe many of you could make one and dress it up with glitter or anything sparkly and send them to dakota. i was then gonna take them and put them up on our ceiling over dakota's bed and all around the house. i know it's not the real thing however i think he would love this SOOOOO much :) :) for any of you that would like to help with this, i GREATLY appreciate it. the address on this site is were they can be sent.
sorry we have not got the new pictures on here yet, but hope to real soon.
also EggNog is cute as can be but VERY wild too...we love him VERY much!!! however i have some advice for those going to get new kitten, don't pick out the most quiet one, their are just fooling you until you get them home then they become the most rowdy ones!!!
tonight was a WONDERFUL night and i just wanted to share it with all of you.
oh just one more thing :) i told ya'll that dakota was so very excited about the gift "HE" was getting me for CHRISTmas with "HIS" own money...well it was a ring and the most BEAUTIFUL ring i have ever seen!!! he was so proud to give me such a wonderful gift!!however like i said it could have been a leaf or rock and i would have cherished it just as much. the sweet thing was that he could have spent this money on himself and ted would have gladly charged (LOL) it for him however it was very important to dakota that he pay for it with his own money. what a sweet baby i have!!!! God truly blessed me with the LOVE of this child :) :) :)
have a blessed and wonderful night.
love lannette~PROUD momma to dakota :)
Monday, December 11, 2006 11:36 PM CST
hello once again everyone :)
well as always i am behind on getting updates out here for ya'll~~i'm sorry, it's just that everytime i want to update i really have no clue as to what i should write. some days we have really funny and cool things that happen and i really want to share them with you however the hard things....the things that wear us out seem to take over and my energy is low and i know what is REALLY important and that is not updating every small thing, IT IS enjoying dakota and saving my energy for him. i am having a bit of a tough time during this holiday season not only because of what dakota is going through but for ALLLLLL the parents who are doing the same, ALLLLLLL the kids who are so sick that a "wish list" for santa is not really a big deal, and MOST of all for ALLLL the parents who are spending this year without their babies because of cancer. i beleive in Gods plan and if you read my updates you know this about me but for the life of me i can't wrap my mind around the pain that so many feel because of this illness. i belong to four different "online cancer groups" but i will have to say the hardest to read right now is my "angels" group. these are parents who are just trying to make some sense of all this, trying to find ways to get through yet one more day, trying to honor their babies through "doing good"~~~~these are things that NO parent should have to figure out. so for today while yes i am sad about dakota and what our lives are, i am so sad with ALLLL my heart for the many parents who are "trying" to do what ever they can just to breath through what is "normally" a blessed time. so once again i ask of you to PLEASE remember them. say a prayer loud from your heart for these families....it really could be anyone of us, this illness knows nothing as to who it chooses and whos lives "IT" changes forever but what i know is none of these parents will EVER be the same because of "IT", please say a prayer for them. thank you~~one prayer can really make a difference...and that is my prayer.
dakota was to go and have his MRI sunday however i had the flu really bad plus dakota had an awful headache so i guess tomorrow we will know when the next one will be. i have no thoughts really on his MRI's anymore, it's just another test to see what the ugly beast is doing but none of it shocks me nor scares me...as i have said, it is what it is and by that i know it's ALL in Gods hands and i TRUST that. what does make me sad however is seeing dakota in pain, this is so very hard for me. i would give anything for him to not have pain!!! that's one part of "the plan" i just don't understand and no matter what anyone may write to me, i WILL NOT undersatnd that part nor would you IF it were your baby. but as you all know i am a fighter and dakota's daddy was a GREAT fighter and that is what i teach my son, my BABY. get through today because i PROMISE it will get better. maybe not the way we hope it would but it WILL get better!!!! i love the word "peace" and that is what i live for. so please continue to keep that prayer for dakota, for samantha, for ted and i but also please add to your prayers that dakota does not suffer with much pain. today was again another hard day for dakota in needing to hear what is going on with his illness, like i have said not only because of his memory issues but also because...like i said, a child has more hope than any of us could ever know. he had many questions for Dr McMahon, all of which are so hard to tell him (AGAIN) but Dr M has such a beautiful way of saying certain things to dakota that i have such a HUGE appreciation for him and how he takes the time to talk to my son, my baby~~like, dakota asked if he would live a "full" life, Dr M said "yes", we all have the option of living full lives and that's what everyone needs to do. dakota and i talked more about this when we got home but ya gotta love a doctor who NEVER takes away "hope" and gives the truth at the same time. we are very BLESSED to have everyone at our hospital!!!! i hope ya'll see this because it comes from my heart with more gratitude than i could EVER say~~~we love you guys SOOOOO much! thank you for taking such wonderful care of my son, my baby~~but also me :)
well i hope to write again soon with the MRI news. have a blessed and wonderful night :)
love lannette, THE very PROUD momma to dakota michael gay
we had the mri done thursday~my heart is SOOOOO very broken. things will move very fast from here. "time" scares me so much. dakota wanted a kitten for CHRISTmas (although he forgot he asked for one), if a kitten is what he wants, then a kitten he shall get...we are going today to get one. i want dakota to have a little time to enjoy his new fluffy friend. the silent tears just have not stopped~~what will i do :(
saturday~~ today, dakota has had a pretty good day. we did get
started late due to his headaches but he seldome complains just deals with them.
anyways we got his new kitty :) :) :) it's a little boy. he is kinda blonde
with white patches, so to keep with the CHRISTmas theme and his color, dakota
has named him "egg nog" :) :) which is now also dakotas FAVORITE drink. the
name really fits him so well. he seems to be the snuggle bug dakota wanted.
dakota had a wonderful time picking him out and is already SOOOO much in
love~~~it was a GREAT day :) :) :) ~~~ thank you Jesus for all blessing large and
small. i took loads of pictures which i hope to have on daks site by the end of
our very busy weekend. tomorrow ted is taking dakota shopping
for my CHRISTmas gift, dakota is SOOO excited!!! it's strange he has not told
me of one thing he wants for CHRISTmas (VERY unlike him) but talks everyday
about getting me a XXXX special gift this year. it could be a rock or bird
feather and i will cherish it more than anything i have ever had. i don't mind
saying i'm a bit nervous about ted taking him, because i AM with dakota at
ALLLLLL times. i know that child better than myself, so i know when he needs a
special drink or when he needs his meds, what to say when he is cranky (due to
so much decadron), that when he wants to walk BY HIMSELF he has to be watched
so closely. plus his right side is really shaking so bad....just alot of
worry!!! i was gonna take the time to get some shopping done myself but instead i think when they leave i may take a big FAT
sleeping pill and catch up on some needed rest. i hoping if i can do that,
everything else will not be so hard on me. well i just wanted to let ya'll
know...today was a good day :)
love, hugs, and prayers to all :) XOXO
love lannette, PROUD momma to dakota michael gay
Friday, November 24, 2006 6:48 PM CST
dear friends & family~
were does time go?? well if your a mom who has a child with cancer and that is as sick as dakota is.... the days seem to be so long sometimes yet the weeks fly by way to fast. and before you know it, CHRISTmas is right around the corner. this week along with so much of our time, seems to have very bitter sweet memories in the makings. dakota is still so weak and very tired and he knows that things are happening and his heart knows that none of it is what we had hoped for and prayed for. :(
on wednesday i needed to do my THANKSgiving shopping and since dakota is so weak, my sister was gonna come and sit with him so i could get a few things done that i had not been able to do because dakota was at the doctors monday and tuesday. while waiting for my sister i saw dakota sitting on the couch with tears running down his face. i asked him what was wrong he said he did'nt want me to leave him and could he PLEASE go, i said of corse you can, and told him we would work it out somehow (pushing him in his wheelchair and getting all the stuff i needed). he felt better however a few moments later i looked and he was crying again. not crying out loud, just quiet tears running down his precious face. i asked him once again "baby what's wrong?" he said..."momma, my cancer is not going away and i am really scared", i knew it was time for us to talk. i have always left a door wide open for dakota to talk to me about his illness and where it is going and how things may end up. i have reminded him time and time again that if he ever needs to talk about things...death, sadness, himself, me, Heaven, Jesus, and anything else that is on his mind or in his heart...i am ALWAYS here for him. one thing you have to remember about children and such difficult things as this, is they need to talk in THEIR time, NOT ours. they have so much going through their thoughts and a child has more hope than you can ever know!!! so we as adults may have the need to talk to them about things but they will let us know when "they" are ready. well wednesday dakota was ready :(
my heart has been ready for this talk for sometime because i don't want my baby to feel fear of what is to come. we talked about his fears and his sadness of leaving without having done so much of what he wants to do. his little heart has been carrying such a burden for so long and that makes me sad. what these children have to live with within their own hearts is just unspeakable. he told me the things he was scared of and one being, leaving me. i explained to him that i would be ok and although i will miss him SOOOOO very much, we WILL be together again very soon and in the mean time he will not feel the sadness of us not being together. i told him that in Heaven there is no sadness, only beauty and love. i told him that one of the things that really makes me so very sad is that THE MOST WONDERFUL experience he will ever have, going to Heaven and seeing Jesus for the first time, i will not be there to share this joy with him. i pray so often that The Lord lets me get a glimps of what is going through dakota's heart when He comes to take him home. i want this so badly!! during our talk we planned his funeral together and i will honor all that dakota wants and it will be nothing but a celebration of his life and what a gift he has been to me. we talked for sometime and when we were done i could see the relief on his face and we both could feel it in our hearts. this by NO means has taking our hope from us for a miracle however we both know we have to plan and talk about what may come. i told dakota i KNOW with EVERTHING i have this IS Gods plan and that i will NEVER question what the outcome may be because i trust Him with all i have. dakota too trust this and understands this however for a child, they do want to know "why them?" why not the robber who came into our home years ago, why not the really bad people you see everyday on the news, "why me? i am just a child?" the only answer i can give him and it's what I BELIEVE to be true...is that God and His son Jesus, love dakota SOOOOOO very much that They felt that dakota's job here on earth has been done. through dakota so much love, faith, and hope has been brought to so many. i told dakota "you may not understand it, but we have to trust in it" and i also feel that with all that is going on in our world, things are going to happen, sad and unspeakable things and i told him that i truly with all my heart believe that God wants to protect dakota from these things and the pain of our world....so i think His plan is to take him home. although i would not wish this kind of talk with a child let alone their baby on anyone, i will have to say one thing...the beauty in preparing you baby for the end of their lives on this earth and getting them ready for their eternal lives with Christ, has such a beauty in it that the only thing i could describe it as....the wonderful day that God gave me this precious gift. dakota is such a blessing to me and i KNOW the love The Lord has for me by giving me such a gift to care for, that it is only an honor to be his mommy and tell and share with him the love and beauty he will soon have for all of eternity.
please continue to keep dakota and our family in your hearts and prayers. my on going prayer is "PEACE". also things with samantha are still so very sad, dakota said he does not want to ever see her again nor her name mentioned. this makes me sad for how his heart feels towards her but even more so, my heart is sad for her and that will she be able to find peace within herself. i called her yesterday to tell her i loved her and to wish her a happy THANKSgiving. we shared many tears about how things got to were they are and no matter what i will and ALWAYS will love her however i can not change what is in dakota's heart. she has crushed him in so many ways over the months and now his heart is numb to her. PLEASE!!!!! do NOT write and tell dakota that he needs to forgive her in this, it was NOT his doing that lead up to this. dakota and i have talked much about this and he has ever right to feel what HE feels however i do let him know that i pray for her everyday and not a day goes by that i dont wish it were different~better, but no matter what i still love her and i know in his heart he does too...he just has no reason to trust that love. dakota already has so much worry in his heart and so much to work through, the last thing i want him to feel is guilt that he could'nt fix this because God knows he has tried. all i ask is that you please keep her in your thoughts and prayers so that peace will someday find away to her heart.
well until next time...God bless
love lannette, PROUD momma to dakota :)
Sunday, November 12, 2006 11:42 AM CST
dear friends and family~
WOW what a week!!! dakota had a doctors appt a week ago wednesday then that night he started having slurred speach, followed by morning headaches which were only relieved by vomiting, also he was sleeping about 17-20 hours a day~ all signs pointing to new growth in his tumors. this past monday he was so very sick and tuesday i spent the whole morning talking with doctors and a friend who is also a doctor, loice, her daughter also has the same type of cancer as dakota. thank you loice, just speaking with you on the phone was a wonderful help to my heart and dealing with things, you are a TRUE blessing to so many :) thank you again! we all felt that something was happening and that could be "it". my heart had a rush in it that i TRULY was sitting here watching my baby go. dakota's doctor had set up for a home nurse to come out to the house and we were all planned on talking about hospice starting. well by that afternoon dakota BEGGED to go to the hospital, NEVER before had he done this!!! so i canceled the home nurse and to the hospital we went. dakota was so weak and could barly speak. they did blood work and ordered an MRI first thing the next day. in the mean time through out the night dakota's blood pressure went high 133/99 and his heart rate also high 128 (his normal is 75). he vomited throughout the night and had sever diarrhea. we had the scan the next day and to much of our surprise the scan was not "bad", not the way i thought it would be. Dr McMahon said the scan looked "stable" except for one tumor that had small growth....so what was making dakota SO sick and why was his speach off? well as it turned out, the flu dakota had on his cruise had come back with huge avengence due to dakota's system being so low with taking the new chemo. the chemo had also caused him to have awful sores in his mouth which explained the not eating, not drinking, and also the slurred speak. all of this was really good news compared to what i (we) thought it could be. with all that said i am so very grateful it is what it is and not the other however with feeling that you truly think you are so close to loosing your baby, the emotional strain has been very hard. this is why it has taking me a few days to have the energy to write. one of the things that this beast does to a family is...put worry on every small and different thing that happens with our children. these fears ARE SO REAL and unless you have lived with what we know it's really hard to explain the emotional sadness and pain of these rollercoaster rides. i have really so much more i want to write however this has already taken it's toll on me. i had a few things said to me in this time of fear that really have touched my heart and some that really should not be said to a family with so much fear and so much true sadness. i will address those things later HOWEVER i really need everyone to know that my love for God and His son Jesus Christ ARE what see me through!!! so please before saying things to us on how "you" think we should be handling things or what you think we should read or know, think before you talk. i have no anger in my heart and i BELIEVE in Gods plan for all of us....and i want to keep my heart feeling this way. i DO with ALL my heart appreciate each and every pray that many say to lift our family and my son dakota up to Christ and i DO feel so many blessings that have come from this powerful prayer...so please continue :) :) :)
God bless.
love lannette, PROUD momma to dakota michael gay :) :) :)
also for any of you reading this today november 12th could you please say a prayer for my dear friends "the allens" who lost their sweet baby Asa two years ago today to this crule beast cancer...or if you have time and would like to send them a note of love and care go to
www.caringbridge/sc/asa
thank you from my heart :) :) :)
Sunday, November 5, 2006 12:05 AM CST
dear friends and family~
sorry the update has taken a bit however it has been like a three ring circus around here. it all started october 5th when dakota had his last MRI. we got the results a few days later and it was not the news we had hoped for. dakota's cancer has spread and it now has also gone into his spine. i do not care to write all the details here however if you would like to ask any questions please feel free to email me at nutchale@aol.com
we did not tell dakota of the results right away because we were leaving in a few days to go his wish trip and did not what to spoil that for him however he ended up with the flu so the trip was only ok. HOWEVER.....his halloween party was GRAND!!! but more about that in a moment. anyways because of the new growth Dr.M put dakota on a new chemo to hopefully slow down the growth. i am not sure how the new drug is doing and we will do another scan soon to see if it is slowing down the cancer. my heart is as always, worried because dakota is showing symptoms of growth. he gets back and leg pains (from the one in the spine) and in the past few days his speech has gotten a bit slurred and when he wakes he has a headache which is followed by throwing-up~not good signs :( PLEASE continue to keep dakota and our family near your hearts and in your prayers. i am sick with worry and my heart is filled with so much sadness.
now for the happy news :) :) :)!!!dakota's halloween bash was WONDERFUL!! i knew it was great when he told me "momma it was all i DREAMED of". in light of the party and also the updated news, we had much of our family come out. dakota's brother from tacoma and his girlfriend and their baby, my grandbaby :)came and also dakota's popo and grandma nancy (my dad and step mom) and his uncle dwain (my brother). everyone had a fun time and it was a bitter sweet nice visit. seeing everyone go home was really hard for dakota, most of all his brother. he cried and cried when justin left and for many days after. MANY people came to the party including friends from school that dakota had not seen in awhile. we had the hay ride and did the haunted trail. it was all alot of work however SOOOOOO much worth it!!! we finally got all the halloween stuff down and put up our THANKSgiving stuff :) and are planning a camping trip next weekend. it has started to get very cold here but dakota said he wanted to go camping...so camping is were we'll go :) :). i'll tell ya all about it when we get back. dakota still loves to have company so if anyone is up for a visit that would be great just please call first because we fill our time with busy stuff :) that is when daks not sleeping :)
thank you for the love, kindness, and prayers they all mean so much to all of us. God bless and have a wonderful day.
love lannette, PROUD momma to dakota michael gay :) :)
Saturday, October 21, 2006 2:53 AM CDT
hello friends and family~
we just got home from dakota's wish trip last night, it was "only" ok. dakota was very sick so the "wow" was not quit there but we still had a nice time. we are planning on making the halloween party....THE BOMB :) :) :) i want to give dakota the world and HE deserves it!!!! well i will have more to write soon soon, dakota goes to the doctor monday and then we have tons :) of family coming to see him. i hope to update againg after that. all my love and thanksgivings...always :)
love lannette, PROUD momma to dakota michael gay :) :)
Friday, October 6, 2006 12:08 AM CDT
dear friends and family~
well it's that time again, dakota's MRI will be monday. i dont feel real nervous...for the most part i just feel time is slipping out of my hands much faster than i care for it to. dakota has been doing about the same, not better but not worse. although he does forget so much so often. i told Dr McMahon that it really stinks having to give dakota the same bad news over and over because he has forgot why we are doing another MRI so soon and why he is now not going to charleston for another transplant. i think much of his forgetting is his bodies way of protecting the over laod of all that is going on. anyways we have been keeping ourselves very busy with putting up ALL our fun halloween stuff around the house and getting ready for "dakotas wish". we leave for the disney cruise on the 14th and come back on the 19th (that is if all is well with MRI). then we have my dad and step mom coming to visit and also my brother and his family, then....we have our dakota's HUGE halloween party on the 28th. he is looking forward to all of it!!! the party has been and continues to be alot of work because we are doing a haunted trail and hay ride plus as always TONS of food and fun, however every bit of the work will pay off because i know dakota will have so much fun :) :) :) he went to a birthday party yesterday and even wanted to spend the night (but mommy missed him WAY to much while he was gone) plus he had a bad sore throat so he came home at 11:30 last night. well that's what has been going on here. i will update on the MRI as soon as we know. please continue to keep dakota and our family in your thoughts and prayers. pray for no pain and for much peace and comfort :)
love lannette, PROUD momma to dakota :) :) :)
also please know that we are not the only ones who walk this path. there are so many families like our, whos babies are suffering and dying from this ugly beast....pray for them, pray for a CURE!!! and find a way to help :) thank you so much.
Friday, September 15, 2006 4:46 PM CDT
dear friends and family~
sorry for not posting the MRI results sooner however the answer i got monday was very unclear and i needed to see dakotas doctor to hear what HE had to say. well it's not what i had hoped for (however it IS what my heart already knew)...dakota has a new "area" which has shown up right next to the last tumor. dr M. says it's very small and we need to do another scan in a few weeks to see how much it grows but with the past history of dakotas illness we pretty much know what to expect. i really at this point am not freaking out because we (DAKOTA) have been fighting this battle for so long. i am and always have been a "realistic" kinda gal and at this point in our journey it is what i need to do to make sure i make the most out of what God has blessed me with. dakotas MDS (leukemia) also seems to be progressing. we are not sure at this point if we will try the gamma knife again (because really what good has it done) i guess we will make our choices when we do the next scan. at that time if there is more than one tumor then we will not be doing anything. PLEASE PLEASE keep dakota and our family in your prayers for peace and for comfort for dakota.
my blessing today is....knowing and feeling Gods love everystep of the way.
also please know that we are not the only ones who walk this path. there are so many families like our, whos babies are suffering and dying from this ugly beast....pray for them, pray for a CURE!!! and find a way to help :) thank you so much.
love lannette, PROUD momma to dakota michael gay :) :) :)
Wednesday, August 30, 2006 10:23 PM CDT
hello everyone :)
well as always it's late and as always i am way over due on an update....sorry. things are going great in some ways and ok in other ways. dakota LOVES school and that makes my heart smile REALLY big!!!! however trying to get him in a better sleep habit is NOT going so well. he is on some meds that keep him awake ALL the time which of corse means i am awake all the time. my brain is like jello, so i get on dakotas site to read who may have wrote here to send their love and prayers but writing an update is VERY hard. i have not slept over 5 hours in one night since he started school which is three weeks....ted on the other hand is sleeping like a baby LOL, it's a guy thing i guess. i feel very worried about dakotas next MRI because of some things that are going on but i will update on that as the time gets more closer (sept 15th). i feel that i really need a little help however it is no wheres to be found. i need a break from caregiving so that i can catch up. it kinda ticks me off because i do my very best to enjoy ALL i have and all i can with dakota...however right now i am so tired that it is all getting to be so much. one thing that is really GREAT at this time is, the meds that dakota is on has also made him eat like a little piggy LOL, he has gained weight WOO HOO!!!! he is up to 84 lbs :) :) :)
that is the first time in three years he has seen the 80's. well he is now ready to take his bath (at 11:40pm) so i hope to finish this soon HA. love lannette
Thursday, August 3, 2006 10:44 AM CDT
hello friends~
well dakota had his gammaknife done tuesday and did very well. i was very proud of him. we got to the hospital at 6:00 am, they put him to sleep to put the halo on his head then woke him. he cried just a little bit when he woke up because two of the screws were very tight, they said they had to do this because were dakota had surgery before had not healed the way it should have and the bone flap was moving, so to insure that nothing would move during the treatment they needed to make it tight. then they took him to do a CT, not easy with this big thing on your head however he was such a trooper :) then while they did the mapping, we waited in a room for about three hours. the treatment it's self only took about one hour. they then took the halo off, watched him for about an hour then we went home. yesterday when he woke his left eye was swollen shut although we did our best to keep his head elevated, throughout the day much of the swelling went down however he is sleeping right now and i can see that it is back. we have also been trying to keep ice on it. he goes today for a follow up appt to check and make sure all is well. he will have a scan done in four weeks to see what effect the treatment has had on the tumor...also dont remember if i told you guys that on his scan he had done sat, yes there was more growth to the new tumor which was to be expected but the GREAT news was there are no other new tumors at this time WOO! HOO!!!! dakota has still had really bad headaches over the past few days, the surgeon said it may be due to fluid flow in his brain so i guess we will talk today about what we need to do to see if this is the cause. it's so strange because i (nor the doctors) are looking at this treatment (gammaknife) as a cure for dakotas cancer and we all know it's only a matter of "time" before another tumor shows up but i will take all the "time" i can get.....but talk about being a bit freaked out now on his mri's :( but for now dakota IS tumor free and we plan on living life that way!!! he starts school monday :) please keep him in your prayers :)
love lannette, the VERY PROUD momma to dakota michael gay :) :) :)
if any of you get the chance please check out this very short, yet TRUE movie, go to http://www.thedashmovie.com/
also please keep all my caringbridge friends and my on line cancer groups children in your prayers. fighting this beast is a very long and hard journey and they too can use your prayers :)
also....for those of you wanting the "dakota" wristbands you can call the hallmark store in lake wylie sc (803)831-1311.
God bless and we thank you for your love, care, hope, and prayers :) :) :)
Tuesday, July 18, 2006 3:12 PM CDT
dear friends & family~
sorry for taking so long to update but as most of you already know, things have been very sad and very crazy for our family. dakota was dx with another brain tumor on july the 5th. before updating i needed time to talk with dakota and also to talk with his doctor, Dr McMahon, to see what our options are. after him talking with other doctors, they decide that dakota does not need to go through another brain surgery so they are gonna do gamma knife surgery on him. gamma knife surgery is kinda like laser beam surgery, done with high volume radiation that goes straight to the new tumor and hopefully in times kills the new tumor. the doctors feel that this is safer for dakota rather than doing another surgery where his brain is operated on. we meet with the doctor who will be doing this, a week from this friday (he is out of town at the time). although this is a huge set back, we are trying our hardest to keep our thoughts positive....and for now i will leave it at that. the surgery should only require a one night stay at the hospital and not have many side effects. we will know more after meeting with the doctor and i will update more at that time. realistically we are left in fear that there are more cancer cells and time will tell if this continues to happen.
as you all also know that since dakota was dx with the MDS (leukemia), in march of this year, we have been keeping dakota very busy with many fun things and trips. we just got home from an eight day trip to hilton head beach with some friends. although i am SOOOOOOooooooo thankful to be able to take dakota on these trips and thankful for all the wonderful memories....this momma is worn out :( i hope to keep our feet planted for a bit...well until we do dakotas make a wish, which by the way has changed a zillion times :)
dakota has taken the new news with the same braveness that he has always shown (just like his daddy, so brave to have gone through so much). while at the beach he shared his fears with me and what we talked about would break any parents heart. i often wonder what must go through his head and through his heart that he doesnt share. i love him so very much and i am so very PROUD of the way he has choosen to face this monster...and that is never giving up hope and to live life to the fullest!!! i feel incredibly BLESSED to be his mom. thank Dear Lord for this child!!!
while remembering dakota in your prayers, please also continue to pray for all the kids fighting this battle with this ugly beast cancer....NO child should ever have to face what these kids go through.i hope to update more soon.
love lannette, PROUD momma to dakota michael gay :) :) :)
p.s. for those who would still like to recieve one of dakotas wristbands can do so by contacting the hallmark store in lake wylie the number is (803)831-1311
~~~~wednesday morning, july 19th~~~~
i woke up this morning thinking about cancer and it kinda ticked me off, i'm not sure why because it's the first thing i think about EVERY morning and the last thing i think about when i go to sleep EVERY night. i woke up as i always do and spend the first waking moments just staring at dakotas sweet and beautiful face, as he lies next to me in my bed where he has slept for nearly the past three years. a zillion thoughts fill my head before my feet can even hit the ground. todays thoughts were....how can life be so "normal" around us when we are hurting inside so bad. i put on a face and make my way through another day following all of dakotas leads, while never talking about what it is that i feel or think in fear that "just maybe" dakota is NOT thinking about cancer, about death, about the sadness this has brought to our family and SO many like us, and if he is getting a break in his mind....i surely do not want to make him think about it by bringing up my own pain....so i just hold it in day after day and like i said follow his lead. however none of this stops the flow of thoughts in my own mind and in my heart. i know so many of you may not understand what it is i write or try to describe on how life is when your child has cancer...how could you, if you have not lived it. it is kinda like telling someone who wants children so bad the joy of being a parent....they can almost feel it because their heart feels it in what they see with parents and their children BUT until the moment when you hold your baby for the first time and stare into the eyes of this life you have created, you could really never understand what this joy feels like. the same is true for having a child with cancer...no matter how much you love us (and we are so happy you do!!), no matter how bad you hurt for us, no matter how hard you try and put yourself in our shoes...you can't understand the pain of this illness brings to our lives EVERYDAY. even on GREAT days "cancer" is still there, telling you to cherish all of your joy today, it never goes away. maybe if you have a child with cancer and if times goes by and you get clean scans and are out of treatment and the child gets to be in school and life is "almost (LOL) normal" for years after dx then maybe you can have days were it does not consume your entire life?? i dont know and would not want to speak for those who have been blessed to have this happen, but for us it seems that from day one August 26th 2003, dakota has not seen many breaks. either he has had some type of treatment going on or there has been a new dx. ted says to me how can you remember dates the way you do? well each one marks a day that it is making it harder and harder for my son to fight this beast...so i remember each and every one. i really have no idea as to why i am writing all of this except to hopefully help others understand better as to who we are, what our lives are truly like and i guess just to unload some of this pain that is so deep in my heart and in my thoughts. please be patient with me when i try to describe this life and celebrate with us the joys we have but please also be understanding when i cant see nor find those joys. my heart is so broken and i am very confused. throughout this whole journey it has been very easy for me to see and find the many blessing we do have, i am scared this may get harder to do, so with each update i hope to remind myself of a true blessing in my life. todays is ted :) although i might complain about what an ox he is and how i have to keep precious keepsake items out of his reach because he WILL break them!!! i cherish my husband very much for the kind heart he has and for how much he loves us unconditionally. in all this time he has slept were ever we put him, which has been dakotas room since we came home from transplant and has not complained not even once. he doesnt say a word when dakota gets a new pet that ted ends up caring for :)
this past trip to the beach it was two new turtles and a hermit crab :) and he never trys to tell me how to feel nor makes me feel bad for having a yucky day that i can't really seem to explain why...he just loves me and trys to understand me. he is a true blessing in our lives :)
well dakota is now awake and we have snuggling to do and kisses to share so i will write more later :)
thanks for letting me share my heart with you. love lannette
Friday, June 9, 2006 1:57 PM CDT
hello friends:)
well we finally got our hotel picked out and all our plans made for our niagara falls trip. a very dear and wonderful friend of mine had SOOOOOOooooooo many points that they got their room and ours :) i love the blessing God has sent our way time and time again. our airline tickets were free (from being bumped off a flight due to over booking), our rental car was taken care of by a friend of a friend who ever now and then pops in over at our house while they are out on their boat and i make them all frozen drinks :) :) and now our room has been taken care of. my heart heart is bursting with the joy of being so very blessed to have such great friends!!! thank you Jesus :) :) :)
i really would love to meet any of you that would like to meet dakota and our family. i thought the rainforest cafe would be good and if anyone would like to do that i thought maybe friday for lunch. our friends from ohio are coming friday night at 5:00 or so. after that our plans will be pretty full with them. just write me back and let me know. thank you so much to everyone who wrote with such helpful ideas, i appreciated them all :)
now for the really good part of my update......
well as most of you know dakota who has been fighting medulloblastoma for nearly three years and then in march of this year was dx with MDS which in his charts read AML leukemia. well since march dakota has been getting an average of three transfusions a week, two for low platelets, which have been around 16 - 20 for a long time & one for blood. well about three weeks ago some strange things started to happen his platelets started to go up just bit by bit but now thet are at 104 (WOO! HOO!). he has not needed a transfusion of any type for three weeks (again WOO HOO!!!!!) however his hemoglobin was 8.1 this past monday so this monday he will need blood~~no big deal. at first when this started to happen i was like "is this suppose to happen?" our doctor also thought it was strange. when it went up on the next two visit i had to ask Dr McMahon "is there ANY way the leukemia could just go away???!!!" he said "lannette NO however dakota has already seen one miracle (in charleston with west nile and encephalits)....and stranger things have happened". however he did warn me to not get my hopes up to high because he didnt want us to face another huge disappointment. so over the last few weeks my husband and i have kept this to our selves, not knowing what to think or not wanting anyone else to feel the same rollercoaster ride we felt. our doctor has been out of town for the last two weeks and when he got back and saw what dakotas platelets were at 104!!!! he said right away we need to do another bone marrow test to see whats going on. so after we get back from our trip dakota will have this done. no matter what it says it's all gotta be good news because even if the leukemia is still there, this will buy dakota the much needed time his body needs to do another transplant. AGAIN my heart is jumping with joy and thanking God for his many answered prayers. it's so funny as in strange because when this all started to happen dakota would say on the way to the doctors "i wont need anything today mom" and of corse i was always looking at things with logic of the history of what to expect~~~~but not dakota :) :) :) he just knew it was all getting better. talk about making your heart smile (big tears in my eyes right now!) God and i would talk and i have always tried so hard to listen to Him but as a human being, the logic of this illness was what i really saw and felt and i thought God was preparing me for the worst~~but again not dakota!!!! he put all his faith in that God does work miracles and to dakota there was no logic to his illness, he just BELIEVED and thats all he focused on and prayed for and with all my HEART i believe God has answered a prayer for him because of his believing in Him and NOT this damned illness. not sure if this is making any sense in words but it sure does in my heart!!!! what an amazing and beautiful child i have!!!! thank you JESUS!!! anyways i've wanted to share this but it has been very hard for me to because i just knew the bottom of the boat would fall out as soon as i did....and it may still HOWEVER as i said it still can be nothing but good news because even if it's not gone it's time dakota needed :) :) :)
i will let ya'll know what is going on when we do the test until then HAPPY HAPPY DAYS are here in our home :) :) :)
(well with the exception of my daughter which is another really long email. PLEASE keep her in your prayers. i will write a follow up on that when i have more energy because believe me it has drained me more than cancer. pray for her to be safe and to make better choices in her life~~thank you)
could you also PLEASE add my nephew Kaden Kester to your prayers. kaden had a bad fall and bit his tongue really bad, after days of not getting the bleeding to stop the doctors did some test on him to find out that he had ITP which cause low platelets. from what the doctors have told my brother dwain and his wife michele that this should go away with in six months to a year however now the poor little guy (he is just a baby) has a staff infection in they think his footbone. with this little kaden will have to stay in the hospital for another week (they have already been in for one week).
please keep them all in your prayers.
also..... :) please keep in your prayers my wonderful friends i have met on line who's children are also fighting the same battle with cancer like dakota has. thank you:)
my love to all of you
love lannette, PROUD momma to dakota michael gay :) :) :) :)
also i would like to add, which i did once before however after ted was on here adding pictures, what i had wrote went away :(~~~
our dear friends the cullons have ordered wristbands with dakotas name and caringbridge site on them. for anyone who may like to recieve one they are available at the hallmark store in lake wylie. the phone # there is (803)831-1311 or you can email me at nutchale@aol.com
the donations we recieve will go back into ordering more wristbands so that soon EVERYONE will have a "DAKOTA" wristband :) :) :) :)Few more pictures...
Thursday, May 18, 2006 9:54 AM CDT
New Pictures 5-25-06 Ted
Hello Everyone :)it's been a very fast paced and busy time here. we have been doing tons of fun things with dakota and over all he is feeling very good to do all of it. for dakotas birthday we went to the beach with some very dear friends and my sister and her family. dakota had a blast except for the very long ride home his back hurt him very much but it seems to be better now. we are still having to go to the doctor a few times a week for blood and platelets but overall Dr. McMahon feels dakota is doing very well. we have found four people that may be possible donors for dakotas transplant but further testing will have to be done on each to see if any are a true match. although at this time we still are unsure if dakota will even be able to go through with a transplant because of some health issues, one being his kidney function is not very well, it is only at 30nd should be at 80nd i also have great concerns about him going into transplant with low platlets when i know how very hard this was on him the first time. when dakota went for the first transplant his platelet levels were normal to start with and during the procedure they went down to three. he bleed so much from every area of his body. now with going in with low platlets....what would happen? i asked Dr M. and he said if they drop to zero that dakotas brain could fill with blood and he would pass.
Dr McMahon says without the transplant we could have six months to maybe even a year (or more) since dakota is doing so well, with this in mind i am having a very tough time as to what to do...keep dakota home with me and enjoy all we can, have fun, make memories OR take him into transplant with the thought of knowing that he could pass much sooner and i've wasted PRECIOUS time with him. these thoughts play over and over in my head a zillion times a day. but still knowing that if we dont do he will pass at some time. my heart is so very torn!!! i love this sweet child so very much and would not wish this fear nor feelings on anyone. if todays kidneys test come back the same then i am gonna listen closely to what i feel the Good Lord is trying to tell me and i feel it would be enjoy your sweet baby and love him all you can and keep making those wonderful memories. to me this transplant would be like anyone putting their child in a car and heading them straight into a F5 tornado, and everyone around you to say just have "faith" they make it through....well what would you do??? you would be scared out of your mind. thats how i feel about this transplant, so again i am trying VERY hard to listen to my heart and praying that God give me direction as to which path we take. please say many prayers that i see and feel what God is trying to show me.
as many of you know we are having some very tough times with my daughter samantha also. God bless her, she 18 and knows all, which i guess is "normal" teenage stuff but we are not a "normal" family and her timing for doing all that she is, is totally off. everyday is filled with worry for her and her future and her happiness. it breaks my heart that this very pecious time that should be spent with her brother is being wasted. please also keep her in your prayers that things will heal and this time will be spent the way it should be...with joy and love.
we are so VERY blessed to have all the support and love that we do. my heart is SOOOOOooo grateful for the love, prayers, and help that we have had. it has made this journey much easier (although nothing is really easy) knowing we have so much love and care coming out to dakota and our family. i thank ALL of you from my heart.
many blessings to all of you. i will write again when i can to let you know what we decide or what the doctors say is best to do.
with much love~
love lannette, PROUD momma to dakota
Tuesday, May 9, 2006 10:45 PM CDT
hello everyone i just finished a very long update on dakota and what has been going on in in our home HOWEVER before i could send it to his site aol kicked me off. i could sit here all night and never put down all the words, thoughts, and feelings that were put into it (it was LONG!!!) so i guess i will try again later. however i really wanted everyone to know....why i cant write thank you cards, why i cant return phone calls....that my life is a living hell.
i am faced with many choices at this time that i would not wish upon ANYONE and at this time life is hard!!!!! these are not the words in which i hoped to get them out but i am VERY frustrated with that my first update was lost. i spent much time putting into words what life is like and i know it only sounds like anger now, well it kinda is. these are the words i would use to discribe my life....GUILT!! guilt for not making phone calls, guilt for now being at this computor instead of being with dakota, guilt for not having time to do thank you cards, GUILT FOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO SAVE DAKOTAS LIFE!!!! so to some i would like to say....thank you for your kindness, love, and prayers and to others i would like to say....lay off the GUILTTTTTT, i have enough at this time!!!
sorry for my anger and i will try to get here again soon to put the words i intended to be here but for now i am SAD, FRUSTRATED, and yes!!! angry!! love lannette
Saturday, April 22, 2006 6:17 AM CDT
hello everyone~
ever have those times when you feel like you head is just spinning??!!! well thats how i feel these days. we are SO very busy making many special trips and memories with dakota. we just got back from a trip to ky to visit with dakotas great grandparents, who have not seen him since he got ill in 2003. we had a very nice trip, but like all trips...it's good to be home :)
our trip out there started off with some nice surprises...first of all the flight was over sold so dakota and i choose to wait for the next flight, while ted and samantha went ahead (which also meant they got to do all the hard work like getting the car rental and ALLLL our luggage picked up :) dakota and i got there just in time to get in our cool convertible car LOL) it also meant we got two free airline tickets WOO! HOO! which dakota and i plan on using for a special mom and son get away weekend :) :) :)
not sure where we are going yet. we are thinking about niagara falls.~~~~when we got to the airport in nashville we also got to meet a very dear man "mr. wayne" and his wife. he writes on dakotas site very often sending him prayers and loving thoughts. our visit was very short due to a little confusion plus dakota and i taking the later flight...sorry mr. wayne :( however when we met him he gave me a very special gift that he had made for me and that was a very beautiful collection of many pictures taking from dakotas caringbridge site with a beautiful verse on it reading "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" Philippians 4:13 it is so very pretty and i will cherish this always. he also gave the kids (samantha and dakota) gifts....thank you mr. wyane :)
while in ky we also got to see my brother, dakotas uncle dwain and his family. who came in from TX. my dad and step mom also came to visit from IN. we all had a good visit at my aunts house which is were our family stayed during our visit...thank you very much aunt jackie :)
dakota also got to meet many of the friends of my grandparents who have lifted him and our family up in prayer during our struggles this past years. we thank you all very much!! and the kind card and gift to dakota for his birthday was greatly appreciated.
when we got home it was back to our very busy lives. dakota spent the next day at the hospital getting filled back up with his transfusions. and now we are planning on a HUGE party for him for his birthday. our dear and wonderful friends have planned the big event for him filled with fun, food,and YES :) MANY MANY fireworks. dakota is very much looking forward to seeing everyone and having fun at the party which is this sunday. we are also planning our trip to the beach for the weekend of his birthday may 13th. we have 18 people going with us...ought to be tons of fun!!!! dakotas best pals jake cullon & his family, jake cash, and ashley campbell are going along with our dear friends bobbie and tatar (who are getting our hotel room....thank you SOOOOO much!!), my sister and her family....lots of people, LOTS of fun!!!!
we also plan on taking dakotas make a wish trip sometime very soon. he wants to go to the bahamas. it is gonna be a very busy beginning to summer however although it will be busy we hope to have much fun.
dakota is feeling pretty good for the most part except for being a bit tired but it has not slowed him down a bit :) ~~~many prayers that he will continue to feel good so that we can get all our fun stuff done for him. i will try to update often on all our busy stuff and keep you all up to date on how he is doing.
please say a prayer for a very dear friend of mine, susan pyles, who husband felix passed away thursday night after fighting a long battle with his cancer. susan we love you and felix you will be greatly missed....thank you for the wonderful memories and friendship.
also please keep all my friends from caringbridge and my cancer group kids in your prayers. this is the hardest jouney any parent and child could ever go through so please just add them to your prayers. thank you :)
i will write again soon about the party. thank you for your love and prayers and PLEASE stop by dakotas guestbook, we love to hear your words of love and care :)
love lannette
Saturday, April 8, 2006 12:42 AM CDT
hello to all :)
well we have had some sad news about our sweet boy dakota. we found out about three weeks ago that dakota has myelodysplastic syndrome (MDS), which is a form of leukemia. we did not write this on his site because dakota did not know and we needed to find out more before updating and also before we told dakota. MDS is common in folks, mainly men, over 65 years of age and rarely happens to children. in dakotas case it was formed because of all the treatments he has had to HAVE to treat his medulloblastoma (brain cancer), even then it is very rare. what we know now is that this will only get worse and the only possible chance for a hopeful cure is another bone marrow transplant. as many of you know who have kept up with dakota through out his journey, he had a bone marrow transplant september 2005. it has only been 6 months since his last transplant and not enough time for his small and weak body to recover so doing another transplant will be very hard and extremely dangerous with the chance that he may not make it through the transplant. however without it he will only get weaker and ....our choices are hard to make. for now dakota has been placed on a donor list to see if we can find a match for him. this will take weeks to do and even if EVERYTHING goes perfect, they could not do the transplant for four months. we are unsure as to what kind of time we have because MDS could progress very quickly and sometimes slowly however the doctors have told us when seen in kids who get this a secondary cancer it could progress more quickly. our plan at this time is to support dakota through many transfusions, blood and platelets, and to see what the donor list comes up with.
dakota was in the hospital last week and came home yesterday. he needed surgery to take out his port line due to an infection that would not clear up. because of all the transfusions dakota will need (about three a week and will continue to become more) he has to have a line to give the transfusions because his vains can only take so much. we go monday for him to have an MRI of his head and spine to check on the medulloblastoma~~so please MANY prayers that this comes out clear, i dont think we can take much more. he will spend the night so he can get plenty of blood and platlets then have surgery again tuesday morning to put in a new line. while we were in the hospital our doctor said i needed to let dakota know what was going on, so dr. McMahon came to dakotas room yesterday before we left and we all told dakota of his new illness. dakotas heart is filled with sadness and worry and it is just truly heartbreaking. he has asked a few questions and i am sure he will have many more in the days to come. so much for a young man to take to take in, i have sat and watched him deep in his thoughts and all i want to do is take away his pain and worry. my heart has so many prayers that i want you all to pray for and of corse one being a miracle however i BELIEVE that God has already shown us so many miracles and although we still pray for a miracle in letting dakota live...i still believe that God already knows His plans for dakota, so the thing i want prayed for the most is for my sweet baby to have peace in his heart...to feel and know all the love that surrounds him, to trust in that no matter what happens God and Jesus LOVE him SOOOOOOoooooo much and that this is not being done to cause him hurt nor pain nor sadness...i just want my baby to have peace. i will update as often as i can, some i hope to write about all the love,
fun, and silly things dakota and i do and share and some will be filled with raw sadness and pain that is in our families hearts. please keep all the prayers coming for not only us but for all the families facing these heartaches. the pain of watching your child go through so much is unlike anything i could ever write in words. please also stop by dakotas guestbook, it really means SO much to us to read and feel the love others have for dakota and our family.
love lannette, PROUD momma to dakota ...PS...New Photos To See.....
Wednesday, March 8, 2006 4:25 PM EST
Hello Friends.Wow, it has been a while since my last update and i apologize for that.We have been pretty busy as usual but did take some time out to go to the Mountains for a weekend.Dakota went snow tubing and tried his best to snowboard but just couldnt get the hang of it in such a short time.His best friend Jake Cullon Was gonna teach him but Daks strength is not too good right now.He is doing ok these days but right now he is in the Hospital again because the port he has is a little infected so he is going to get some antibotics and maybe even get the port taken out.He just had a bone marrow test done because his hemoglobin and other counts are down and he has gotten platlets 2 times so far recently.Hopefully the low counts are due to the infection but we cant rest until his marrow test comes back.That should be late this week.Prayers are always welcome for things such as this because the bone marrow test will tell if the infection is causing his low counts or if it is something else.So here we go again.Seems like this emotional roller coaster just keeps on going forever.Well I will update later this week or as soon as i can..Wish For Snow for Dakota...He really, really wants it to snow...Ted.... PS i will try to get some mountain pictures added..... UPDATE 3/11/06..Dakotas Bone Marrow Test looks fine....still looking for problems of low counts.will keep you updated..Ted
Tuesday, February 14, 2006 11:15 AM EST
Hello again Friends and Happy Valentines Day to all!!!!!!!!!.Sorry it took so long to update.Daks first MRI and Scan turned out ok.Last week Dakota started acting pretty strange and his counts were all out of whack so Yesterday 2/13/06 they re-did both MRI head and spine.Needless to say we have all been very very worried about this one.Well just a few minutes ago we got GREAT news.Dakotas new Tests turned out good!!!!I have to say it was very emotional in a good way..He still has issues with some blood work but they think his labs have dropped so much due to one of his medications so they have taken him off that particular one.Well we just wanted to give you all a small update and wish everyone a Happy Valentine.I know around here anytime there is good news,its time for a celebration...Have a great day....... Ted
Monday, January 2, 2006 0:15 AM CST
hello everyone~
well i have WONDERFUL news!!!! dakotas scans looked great!! we should have the results to the spinal tap around tuesday or so and when we get them we'll post them. dakota has lost more weight, he is down to 65lbs. he recieved his feeding tube a week and a half ago but the first week when i tried to feed him, it made him very sick however he seems to be getting more use to it, so it is going better. we have this whole week off from doctors, WOO! HOO! and go back next monday. we had a wonderful CHRISTmas thanks to so many kind and loving people. thank you :)
our new years eve was also lots of fun. we went to a friends house. we ate dinner, did fireworks (dakotas favorite), and played games until 4:30 am :0
way to late for this old gal but the kids had a ball!!!!needless to say we have been very lazy today, just watching football. dakotas (and moms) favorite team "THE STEELERS" played and won. he loves football and loves the steelers almost as much as mom :)
i wish you all~all the best in this new year to come. and my heart feels it's gonna be a better one for us.
please while saying a prayer for dakota, also pray for all the other families fighting this same battle. it's such a long and hard road and so many have it worse than us, so please pray for them too. thank you :)
God bless, and thank you for stopping by to check on dakota and our family.
love lannette PS...I have put new pictures in 1-6-06...Ted
Sunday, December 25, 2005 3:41 PM EDT
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!!! Well, the big day has come and here at our house and we are all very Joyful for the Day.Dakota,Samantha,Lannette and myself have been overwhelmed at the Showing of Love and support each of you have blessed us with this Christmas.Thank each and every one of you for your cards letters and gifts but most of all we thank you for just being here during these trying times.Our family would like to send Gods Love and blessing to each of you at this special time of year.Dakota continues his struggle knowing each of you are praying for him and helping him through this.We all are grateful of all that we have accomplished together.So Thanks again dear friends and Gods Blessings to all....Ted...(P.S.I have 3 new pictures to share so go see em.)
Saturday, December 17, 2005 3:57 PM CST
Hello everyone.I hope everyone is ready for Christmas.Well i for one have done the same as always this year and waited until everyone else had their shopping done before i venture out to do mine.I just dont have that shopping gene in my body...Well Dakota is doing fairly well these days except he hasnt eaten if about 15 weeks.He was being fed by I/V these 15 weeks and is having trouble getting solid food down.He has sores on his tongue and in his mouth that make eating just about all solid food impossible.He will be going in to have a small surgery to install a feeding tube in his stomach until he can eat solid food.The I/V drip was causing problems and gunked up his gaul bladder so it had to be stopped.The doctor said that is normal after a period of time and the tube will only be in there until he is back on solids.He still has many problems from the transplant that will clear up over time.He is scheduled for his next M.R.I. on December 28 so please pray hard on that day for a clear scan.We are going to be worrying for a long time if not forever when he comes up for these scans as im sure you all know.The worrys are going to be a part of life for us all from now on.Well other than that he seems to be getting better and better every day.In closing i would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and safe,happy times for the holidays.God Bless each of you and i will update later...Ted
Saturday, December 17, 2005 4:57 PM EDT
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Wednesday, November 30, 2005 10:38 PM EDT
Well Hello again everyone...Sorry this update has been so slow, but to tell the truth Dakota is really doing well these days.He is still on the i/v but biting at food every now and then.He went to Dr.McMahon today for his checkup and Lannette said that it turned out well.He got to come back home so it must have been good =).We had a really nice Thanksgiving and are truly thankful for all the good things that have happened for Dakota and the way things have turned in his favor.He has many hurdles yet to cross and the bigger of these will be the MRI after Christmas.Lannette and us all are worried about these MRI"s, and will be for a long time to come.We continue to thrive on your Cards and Prayers and believe me when i say they dont go unnoticed.Thank you all and i will try to update more often....Ted
Friday, October 28, 2005 6:48 PM CDT
Hello again everyone.Dakota and Lannette are finally home from the Hospital.Dakota is doing really well.He is still being fed by the i/v but is eating little bites every now and then of solid food.He is going to Dr.Mcmahon's office every other day for platlets because his are still a little low.They sure are glad to be here.The transplant team still wants them to come back for follow up visits but we may see if they can do them here.MUSC is a very difficult place to deal with due to the protocol that has to be followed by the doctors.It seems as though these kids are just experiments, and im sure thats the case, because every child reacts to things differently.Needless to say it took an act of congress to get Dakota discharged from there.They truly do wonderful work there but it is nothing like the hospital here at home.Well we would like to thank you all for the cards,gifts,letters,Love and support you have all shown us during this difficult journey.We will try to keep you updated on Daks progress.God Bless You all.Ted
Friday, October 21, 2005 6:09 AM CDT
Hello again friends.I have some great news and some not so great news tonight.The great news is that Dakota will be coming home this thursday.The not so great news is that Dak is still having trouble with his short term memory.The doctor said it should return over time.How much time we just dont know.We also found out that Dakota had encephalitis.That is an inflammation of the brain and it just about killed him.That is the reason for the episode he had that required the stay in intensive care 2 weeks ago.We didnt find this out until last night.The doctor thought we were told of this before now.She said Dakota is truly a miracle because encephalitis is usually fatal.They cant even determine the strain of the virus yet because the culture has not grown out in their lab.She also said dakotas case would be written up in medical journals because it is so new it doesnt even have a place it the books yet.WoW!Prayers do work people, and he is still with us to prove it.Thank you all for them and i will update again after he gets home.He still has a ways to go but with God and all of you on his team im sure he will make it fine.Thank you all again.I also changed the photo album a little.Ted
Wednesday, October 12, 2005 9:56 PM EDT
Hello everyone.I just returned from Charleston and it has been a very hectic and scary week.Dakota has been in and out of a semi-coma and has been having seizures every day.We think the reason for them was a mild drug overdose.He spent 2 days in intensive care and he slept most of that time.He is just now starting to recognize us again and still at times has trouble remembering short term things like who i am but i think he remembers his mom and sister well.He is slowly regaining his memory but the doctors just dont know what caused the seizures or memory loss.He has a team of about 10 doctors doing every concievable test you can imagine.He is stable and back in his room and his memory seems to be getting better each day.The neurologist said that seizures were common and that he would get through them, but we thought we lost him last thursday.NERVES ARE SHOT!!!His transplant seems to be a success and that is very good news.Hopefully if he continues to improve he will be out of there and in a rental apartment in around 2 weeks.I really dont have a lot more information to share because his condition changes every day.This transplant and the transplant team leave a lot of questions because we are always running around in a state of confusion it seems.For now though everything seems to be getting better.Lets Pray it continues to do so.Will update again when i can.Ted.................................................... Mail: Dakota Gay c/o MUSC- 169 Ashley Avenue- Charleston,s.c.- 29425- room 746
Sunday, October 2nd 8:00PM EDT
Hello Everyone.On wednesday 9/28 I went to visit Lannette and Dakota for a few days.Dakota is still very sick and under constant care.He is getting blood and fluids on a regular basis.He is being fed by I/V because he is so sick he cannot eat regular food.The doctors are changing around his platlets because he is having trouble with blood loss and such.It is still too early to tell about the transplants success until they get all these other problems ironed out and get him stabalized.He is still pretty critical at this stage but while i was there he seemed to be better for a couple of days.Very tired but fighting hard.Please comntinue to pray for him.Lannette is exhausted as im sure you all know.She really doesnt have much help from the nurses there and she has to get up at all times of the day and night.There is no such thing as regular sleep and i can attest to that.Well write them both if you can.They would love to herar from you.Did i tell you how LONG the days there are???Cheers.Ted........ M.U.S.C(Medical University South Carolina) 169 Ashley Avenue,Chareston,South Carolina,29425.Room # 746.He will be in this room for approximately 5 more weeks or until they determine wether the transplant has been successful....Ted.....................UPDATE 10/3/05 9:30pm I just got off the phone with Lannette and she told me that she had some very good news from the doctor today.The doctor said that Dakotas counts were coming up fast and that meant that the cells have engrafted and dakotas little body is now making cells on its own.That is great news because it means the transplant has started to work.He still has to recieve blood platlets because his white count is still down a lot but she said there should be some positive results in that area in a week or two.GREAT NEWS.Please continue to pray hard for this little fellow because he has been through more pain than most of us could ever imagine.Thank You All....Ted
Thursday, September 15, 2005 10:20 PM EDT
Hello all..I just spoke to lannette tonight and she and Dakota are getting settled in now that they have a room.Dak was getting high doses of vp-16 yesterday and today he is getting a stronger dose of another chemo.Its the one where he has to take baths every 3-4 hours(dont know its name).Lannette said he slept most of today and i think the chemo is starting to make him sicker.She also told me to let everyone know she would call when she could but she stays very busy and doesnt have much time to talk.We will not be able to even visit him for around 6 weeks due to the treatments unless we just want to look at him through a glass she said.She also said she would e-mail me the address tonight and if she does i will post it here tomorrow night if possible.Thank you all for all the beautiful prayers.Im sure they will appreciate them as much as i do.Thank You All.Ted...
Monday, September 12, 2005 2:14 PM EDT
Hello Friends.I just wanted everyone to know that Dakota and Lannette left for Charleston this morning around 9:00 and arrived there safely.When they got there the wonderful people from Happy Days met them with a LIMO and were gonna take them on a whirlwind shopping,eating,boating spree for the day!!!!!I miss them terribly already and its gonna be a LONG 3 months without them!I will be going to visit on weekends when i can and when i get an address i will update the site with it so everyone can send cards and letters.It was really sad watching them pull out of the driveway but i know in my heart it is the best thing for Dakota.Please remember him when you look outside and see all the wonderful things that God has blessed us with.We have more than we realize...Thank you all.Ted
Tuesday, August 30, 2005 8:25 PM EDT
Hello everyone.I just wanted to inform everyone that Dak had surgery today on a cyst in his nasal passage and it has been removed.He had it done on an outpatient basis and everything went well.The bad news is that this will delay his transplant by at least 2 weeks,also his cardio system test didnt fare well and they will have to re-do the test before he can be scheduled for the transplant.At the time of the last test he had a cold and we hope that is what caused the test to show low.The transplant cannot be scheduled until he has passed a very rigorus regime so as to be sure he is up for the transplant.He and Lannette will be going back to Charleston for the re-test early next week.This guy has been a real Champion in my book with all that he has endured.Thank You all for the prayers and thoughts. He will keep fighting this beast until he beats it....Ted.~~~~~~ P.S. HE WILL BE AT THE STEELERS GAME THIS WEEK.(gets to go in the steelers locker room after the game to meet the players)
Monday, August 1, 2005 8:51 PM CDT
Hello Again Friends.Sorry for such a long delay in the updates....Well summer is about to come to a close for the kiddos..skool(ha ha)starts here next week and all the cheerful little kiddies will be ridin the yeller buses off to the baby sitter.Dakota is gonna start school this year also and he will be able to attend regular classes for about 3 weeks before he has to go to Charleston for his Bone Marrow Transplant.He is doing very well but still faces the most difficult time of his life .Please say Extra prayers for him and keep him in mind often.He will need every effort from us all.I will update with his progress ,as i find out more, when the transplant starts.He and Lannette will be in Charleston for around 60 days.If you visit the site,please write a little something if you feel like it.It really cheers us all up.Thanks again...Ted.....PS.I have uploaded a few new pictures also...*************A Short Note Update 8/17/05***All Clear on the results of Dakotas M.R.I.Yesterday...Thank You Jesus....
Monday, July 18, 2005 2:45 PM CDT
Hello again Friends.Well,Dakota is back in the hospital because his temperature was up to 101 so he had to go in for more platlets.He went in Friday,July 15th and he is not going to be released until Wednesday the 20th .Lannette is scheduled to have cortisone injected into her back sometme wednesday also.They are having a time trying to keep his temperature steady so he wont have to keep checking in for platlets, but the chemo he is on now is very strong and it is knocking his white blood count down to 0 .It has been a very busy summer for us all but especially for Lannette and Dakota.Again a big Thank You to all for the prayers and thoughts and im sure Lannette will get in touch with everyone as soon as possible ,but for now she is really busy.I will update when possible....Ted
Thursday, July 7, 2005 9:27 PM CDT
Hello again everyone.We hope everyone had a very safe and happy 4th.Dakota had a BLAST as usual!!!!This update is to let you all know that Dakota is back in the hospital in Charlotte,N.C. for another round of Chemo.He will be in a few days for this round and then he will come home and take a break before going in for the transplant.It will be done around the first week of September.Dr. McMahon informed Lannette tonight of the new target date.Before the transplant he will get 2 more cycles of chemo at home.Thats pretty good news because the oral chemo did not seem to have very bad side effects for him.Thank you all for thinking of Dakota and us during this time.Lannette is happy to have another break before the transplant as long as it doesn"t affect the outcome for Dakota.Dr.McMahon assured her there would be no problem.We continue to pray for his well being and THANKS to all of YOU!!!!! Ted
Sunday, June 26, 2005 11:24 AM CDT
Hello again everyone.Sorry for the long delay on an update but Dakota is doing so well that there is not much new news to share.He continues to take the oral chemo and it is treating him well.Very few side effects with this chemo...Thank goodness..He will be going back in the hospital July 5th for a few days to get ready for his transplant.Lannette just had an MRI on her back to see if they could find the problem she has been having with it.Hopefully they will be able to tell her something positive to relieve her pain.She has taken a break from the computer and is tending to the Flowers and yard.She really needs a break.She has about 700 e-mails she hasnt read.Boy that will take some time to catch up on!Everything is going well and we hope to get through this transplant without too much sickness.We both know the worry and heartaches will return so we are trying to live as normally as possible while we can.Thanks for the Prayers and understanding.We still have a long way to go.....Ted
Monday, June 6, 2005 6:46 PM CDT
Hey everybody...Just a quick update for ya.Daks MRI was CLEAR...YIPPIE.....Thanks Be To GOD!!!He also will not have to spend the nights in the hospital this week because he will be taking an oral chemo here at home and that made him and Lannette very happy.Well like i said this is just a quick update and im sure Lannette will write a lot more when she sees that i have updated,so to all of you, we Thank you for all of your prayers.Ted
Thursday, June 2, 2005 7:53 PM CDT
Hello Everyone..I uploaded a few new photos that i scanned from some recent pictures.Dakota was scheduled for his MRI today but the Machine wasnt working so he has been re-scheduled for this Sunday 6/5/05.Im sure Lannette will update this with a lot more information very soon....Ted
Friday, May 20, 2005 10:44 PM CDT
hello everyone~
well we are at our home away from home again :(
dakota had a doctors appt thursday to check his blood work and he ended up having a fever so they put us in. we have come to count on that with this new chemo he will be in the hospital everytime about nine days after recieving the chemo due to his white blood counts being so low. although i can tell you that dakota was not a happy camper about checking in because he had large plans friday night with his pal jake but on the other hand he knows its best for him to be here just in case there is something much more wrong than just a fever and with these kids and with the low counts it could be so much more and so much worse, so this is why they MUST be put in the hospital and watched closely. so over all he really understands and is very good about it. dr. mcmahon did another chest and will do one again sunday to make sure that he does not have any type of fungus in his lungs (there is still a spot left from last time we were in, so he just wants to keep an eye on it).
if all goes well we will be here until monday then thuesday go to charleston to try the stem cell harvest again. so this is my prayer....for dakotas counts to come up enough for them to do the harvest on thuesday...also dakota will have his next mri on the 26th, so PLEASE MANY! MANY! prayers for this. of corse mamma is very worried~~~did i tell ya'll HOW VERY MUCH I LOVE THIS LITTLE BOY!!!!
anyways on a brighter note~we had "THE BEST" time at the beach for dakotas birthday!!!!! he felt GREAT, thank you Jesus :) and it meant so much to him to have his friends ashley, jake, and jakes family there with us. of corse the only thing that could have made it better was two or three more days. but while we were there it was ALLLLLLLL about dakota, what ever he said, we did. we played football on the beach until like 1:00AM (maybe later). while we were down there this young man came up to me and said "i prayed for your little boy last night" i guess he knew dak was sick because dakota decided to give up the hats, anyways i knew at that moment God was there with us to make sure His love was being spread around and by all the kindness from friends and strangers, you could not help but feel Gods love!! it was a beautiful memory maker for all of us. dakota and his friends also made stuffed animals at "the build a bear workshop". this place is so cool and now dakota has a new friend (monkey) and his name is J.C. (just chilling). he takes J.C. everwhere with him, cute :)
well folks i hope to update again soon. thank you for visiting dakotas site and more so, thank you for all the love and prayers. please also continue to pray for my friends listed on the last journal. have a blessed and wonderful day~~~make EVERY moment count :)
love lannette
Wednesday, May 11, 2005 10:43 PM CDT
hello everyone :)
sorry it's been over a week since the last update. dr mcmahon let dakota go in for his chemo two days early so that he would not have to be in for his birthday. we went in monday and just got home a few hours ago. dakota did ok on his treatment with only getting sick a few times however he feels very sick to his tummy and has not ate in three days. before leaving the hospital he recieved some blood, hopeful this will make him feel better in a day or so. i sure hope so because for his birthday he wants to go to the beach for a few days~~what a treat for the whole family :) we are all looking forward to this even more so since dakotas two best pals, ashley campbell and jake cullon, are going with us. let me tell you how very blessed we are to have these wonderful families as our friends. these two kids have NEVER forgot about dakota and have ALWAYS been here for him~~their families are pretty AWESOME toooooo!!!! jakes whole family is going and can i tell you how excited dakota is about all this!!!! so my prayer request for today is...that dakota feels WONDERFUL and has the BEST birthday ever. so far his special day is off to a great start, since i wrote the last journal and asked if LOTS of cards could be sent to him to brighten his day~~well thats just what he has got...TONS of beautiful cards, about 60 so far and ted said a really sweet woman called the house tonight while we were still at the hospital and she said she had read about the "many cards wish" so she told all of her friends and she has 70 that she is overnighting to him :) Gods love through others is soooooo wonderful!!!! i want to thank you all from my heart for caring about dakota and our family and even though this is still so sad and so hard i feel more and more blessed with each new day, thank you.
i know that my prayer request is long and that the folks i ask you to pray for you dont know but i ask because i know in my heart that these folks need your prayers, so i want to thank you for just being the caring people you are :) and i know they thank you too :)
this is my prayer list...
my sister, lisa, who is having a hard time. may is very hard month for her & i both because it's the month she lost her baby Krystle, it's the month Michael died, it's mothers day and we miss our mom so bad!! and this may is even hardier on her since this would be the year that Krystle would have graduated from high school and lisa is recieving many invatations to all Krystles friends graduation~~she misses her baby so bad :(
also pray for my dear friend patty who lost her baby Melissa to brain cancer 2/27/05. Melissa would have been 13 on may 20th.
my wonderful friend, dina, who is going through breast cancer but still calls almost everyday to see how dakota is doing~~~thank you girl :)
my wonderful friends The Allens who lost their baby Asa to cancer 11/12/04. they too have such a huge place in my heart so please say prayers for this beautiful family.
also my dear friends kathy and david in florida. david is 12 years old and is also fighting brain cancer, the same type Michael died from and also Melissa. so far david is doing good (well good, for this ugly beast)and i do believe the power of prayer will see him even further.
and although the list is way to long to mention all the names but please pray for all the caringbridge families. the word "child" and "CANCER" should NEVER even be heard of together!!!
and also please say a prayer of thanks givings with me for being so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends and that God continue to bless us with so much love and care.
shewwwww i know that list was long and i hope to not always do that to you but my heart wants to give back so much that has be giving to us. thank you for caring :)
love lannette
Tuesday, May 3, 2005 0:38 AM CDT
hello everyone~
as i told you, dakota has pneumonia however we were able to come home. at this time he has no fever so thats why we were able to leave the hospital. due to the pneumonia he was not able to do the stem cell harvest, which really stinks!!! (if at anytime none of this makes much sense, go to where it says past journals) however dr mamahon told us IT WILL get done, so glad he said this because dakota and i both have been worried if they would be able to get them, with dakota having such a hard time getting his counts back up and being so sick from the first round of treatments.
tonight he is doing pretty good except his antibiotic made him sick, we are getting ready to try it again with more food. i wasnt gonna make him take it again until i talk with the doc but dakota said he knew that he needed it so he wanted to try again, anything to keep from going to the hospital again! well the game plan for now is to wait a week then go in for round two and start all over again~seeing if his counts will rise after falling so bad. another HUGE down fall to all this is that until they do the stem cell harvest, dakota can NOT have the other chemo that is known to help with a recurrence because this is the one (its called vp16) that will really knock out his bone marrow so it cant not be had until they get some of the good cells. i'm so sure that much of this may not make sense so to put it in a nutchale (lol, get it~my email address) we really just need your prayers however if you have any questions please feel free to email me. well as you may guess this all has daks birthday up in the air because he will be in the hospital for his next treatment. i am trying to work on onother plan so just keep checking the site. again :) many cards are very welcomed for his birthday, the address is on this site at the bottom of the home page where it says hospital. i am sooooooo sleepy so i will write more later. but with out going i have one more favor to ask~~PLEASE keep all my caringbrige friends and their children in your prayers. there is also a benefit being done for our family this saturday for more info go to the last post :)
God bless and have a wonderful day :)
love lannette
Sunday, May 1, 2005 5:42 PM CDT
hello again everyone~
once again i want to thank everyone soooo much for coming here to dakotas site to offer your prayers & love, we so very bad are in need of them. well i am home for only a brief moment because as you all know dakota went back into the hospital wednesday with a fever well he now has pneumonia and as you may have read in the past post he was to go get his stem cell harvest this monday in charleston because after we went last week and they were not able to do it because of his counts being to low, well they now are not sure if they can do it because they are not sure if the pneumonia has contaminated his cells so they have us on a wait, to talk to all the transplant doctors before we come. if we are able to go dakota will have to be transported by ambulance from cmc to musc (4 hours, yuck!!!). his counts are still not where they need to be to do the harvest but maybe by tomorrow, so we really need to be THERE if they do rise. our big worry now is that if they dont rise or if they cant do it due to the pneumonia, what will happen from here? dakotas little body is having a hard time on this new chemo and that is why his counts are so low and he has ONLY had one treatment , what will happen after the next treatment? will the counts even have a harder time rising, what if we cant get some of his own stem cells? this will only mean TONS more troubles and worries. i will keep ya'll posted. well i need to get done with what i came home for, dakota is at the hospital by himself, and I HATE THAT!!! please keep up the prayers :)
oh real quick on a funny note~dakotas has been loosing his hair again, so tired of his pillow looking like a chia-pet he decided to just pull it all out last night (LATE 4:30 in the morning) he then took the hair and made a beard and mustache out of it and taped it to his face then walked down to the nurses station to see how their night was going, the look on their faces was priceless, we all got a huge laugh out of dakotas silliness and dakota got an even bigger laugh doing it.~~WHAT A TROOPER!!! did i tell ya'll how VERY much i LOVEEEEEEEEE this child!!!!! :):):)
love, lannette
ps~dakotas birthday is right around the corner, may 13th
the more cards the better!!!! hoping to plan his party this week HA :) those of you that live near, keep the 14th open~party time :) also glen at the knothole is doing a benefit for our family on the 13th. anyone that would like to donate any items for the raffle please call the knothole 803-831-1705~~gift certificates and such are what they looking for, well really anything :)
Friday, April 29, 2005 8:54 AM CDT
hello everyone~
well i'm gonna keep this short because i need to get back to the hospital. last night dakota got a fever again so that means another three days in the hospital and just like last week we will get out just in time to take him to charleston again on sunday. please say extra prayers that they will be able to harvest the stem cells this time. dakota & i are both getting very worn out, the only reason i'm at the house for a minute is because i too am sick and had to come back to lake wylie this morning to go to the doctor. thank you so much for all the love & prayers being sent to our family. love lannette
Monday, April 25, 2005 4:05 PM CDT
hello everyone~
WOW! what a week!!! we are now back from charleston. we went last night, and woo! hoo! to our friends bobbie & tatar who happen to come by after we got home from the charlotte hospital yesterday to give dakota & i a little something before we left for charleston~~~then said "oh heck we'll just go to charleston with you guys" and they DID!!!! they followed us ALL the way there took us out for dinner and stayed the night with us at our hotel. what an awesome surprise!!!!! thank you XOXOXO!!!!
dakota & i went to the doctor this morning with very little sleep, they took blood and found out his counts were way to low to do the stem cell harvest so back to the hotel to pack up our stuff and back to lake wylie we came. tomorrow we have a totally free day and its calling for rain, YEA!!! good sleeping weather and thats all this mamma wants to do!
dakota will go to the doctor again wednesday to check counts then again on friday then "IF" all goes well, we go back to charleston monday to try again.~~~so PLEASE many prayers that his counts go up to we can get done all that needs to be done. thanks for stopping by dakotas site to check on him and the rest of us, all your love & prayers are so greatly appreciated.
now i am off to unpack again :) i'm thinking of becoming a professional mover~~ha ha
hugs and kisses to everyone XOXO love lannette
Friday, April 22, 2005 0:38 AM CDT
hello everyone~
well we didnt get to stay away long, from the hospital that is. dakota had been feeling kinda yucky wednesday and that night he got a fever of 101.3 so at 11:00pm we ended up coming back up here to the hospital. with these children you must keep a very close eye on them to see what may be causing the fever, so far it seems that it must be a bug however his counts are very low so it is much easier for him to get sick. we hope to get out sunday but not really sure on that because today his fever keeps coming back up and he must be two days without fever before going home.
i dont mind saying that dakota & i were REALLY upset about having to come back up and i thought to myself "God please give him a break, his little body and soul is getting very tired". it just seems so unfair and i wondered once again "why?" well i got a wonderful answer from God as to "why" we had to come back and why it was meant to be ~~~ i had been talkng to one of the nurses and asked her how many new brain tumor kids do they see here each year? she said 2 maybe 3 (per YEAR). not really sure why i asked that question but found out later... after dakota had fallen asleep, around 1:00am i went walking outside for a bit and i came across this man sitting all alone and looking very sad. we started to talk and i asked who he was up here with he said his grandson who was 12 years old. i told him that my son was here and that he was 13. i asked the gentleman what was wrorg with his grandson, he told me that just a few hours ago an MRI showed that he had a brain tumor and that surgery was planned for noon. i knew the fear in this mans heart so i sat and talked with him for a few hours, gave him our room # and also my cell phone # and told him if he needed someone to talk to or to sit with him during surgery to please call. i went back to my roon and prayed for this family and prayed that i could be of some help to them. today much more of the boys family has come up and i've talked with them and worried with them. well the news came back that yes it was cancer and it is the same type as dakotas. they have recieved so much new info and as you would guess this can all be soooooo overwhelming so you really only get a small part of the info, so i needed to help them in any way i could so i am gathering info for them, things i wish i had known from the start but had to find on my own. they have been very grateful. it was with all this that i KNEW God had a large plan as to "why" we had to come back to the hospital.....this is my thanksgiving for the day, that God thought so much of me that he allowed me to be here for another family getting ready to travel this road. this day has touched my heart so much. thank you Lord :)
i'll update more as soon as dakota gets to go home. please keep that family in your prayers along with dakota :)
love lannette
Saturday, April 16, 2005 8:36 PM CDT
Hello everyone.Just wanted to let you all know that Dakota and Lannette are at home now.Dakota is really doing good since he has been here.We just got back from The River Rat here in Lake Wylie and Dakota Ordered a 2LB.Lobster.He ate some there and as i type this he is finishing that monster off in the living room.I am really surprised at how well he is doing because usually the chemo makes him really sick but he seems to be handling this round well.Thats all for now.I am sure Lannette will send you more information when she wakes up.Poor girl is finally getting some much needed and deserved sleep.Have a great weekend.Ted
Friday, April 15, 2005 1:12 AM CDT
hello everyone~
sorry i was not able to update sooner however they keep us kinda busy up here. we checked into the hospital wednesday to start the new chemo. last night dakota handled the new drug pretty well. today he was a little sick to his tummy but not to bad. we stayed up WAYYYYYY to late watching tv & playing games. tonight he has also done well for the most part, that is up until around 1:00am then he got real sick but then fell asleep. we are here until saturday as long as everything stays good. this type of chemo can do damage to the kidneys so they keep a VERY close eye on that plus give meds to help. next weekend we will be off to charleston for a few days so they can get the marrow drawn to use later. well not much else to report for now~~~~~~~~~sorry poor fella just got yucky sick again, what a mess :(
all this and not one word of complaints, what an awesome kid i have :) :) he knows at this point we have NO choice but to do all this. it makes me cry that my baby has to be sooo strong, soooo brave, & go through so much. however with each step God is walking before us and right by our sides, that i will tell you is a HUGE comfort even during the rough times. thank you for the prayers and love you have sent to dakota and our family~~this too is what sees us through. i hope to update again soon.
love lannette
Sunday, April 10, 2005 11:32 AM CDT
hello everyone :)
well its a beautiful day here in lake wylie and things for today are good :) last night samantha had her first prom. she was sooooooo beautiful!!! mom took LOTS of pictures and ted put up a few on this site. it was a great day all day yesterday~samantha was excited and dakota felt wonderful. we started the day by going to go get samanthas hair done while dakota spent the day with his best pal jake. jake has diabetes so dakota and jakes family were part of a 4 mile walk to raise awareness & money to help research this awful disease. dakota had a great time :) while dakota was gone samantha and i spent a little mom & daughter time together. after getting her hair done samantha & i went out for lunch then came home to do makeup and all those other fun girl things. as i sat with her sharing this very special time i couldnt help but miss michael very much. he would have been so very proud to see his little girl. i also couldnt help but shed a tear in that samanthas mom, rhonda, should be her to share in these special times. although in my heart i know they both were looking down on her with much pride in the young lady she has become. i found my greatest blessing in this day and that was that God chose me to raise this baby into a young woman and be part of her life and also of corse that dakota is feeling so good (because like i said i know with his new chemo his feeling well will change soon). our wonderful friends bobbie & tatar came by to see samantha off to her prom (they too took a roll of film LOL). then we all ate dinner together, played with dakota & jake, and waited for sam to get home. she and i sat up til 2:00 talking about what a great time she had.~~~a very good day :) !!!
as for dakota here is his update on whats going on~we went to the doctors wednesday & he got his stitches out, then went to Dr. McMahons for a check up and to to be admitted into the hospital for his first round of the new chemo. while at the doctors i showed him what i thought to be a bug bite on dakota that was getting larger well it was the shingles instead. with dakotas immune system being low, it is common for these kids to get this if they are exposed to chicken pox~~well i guess he was exposed sometime in the past few weeks. so with this he could not recieve his treatment but instead had to be put in isolation for a few days with a strong antibiotic. we came home friday and he still is taking medicine for the next 5 days. we go back to the hospital wednesday to check in for the chemo.~~~~ so our prayer needs now are that dakota handles the chemo well with very little sickness (although this is a MUCH stronger chemo than before), that his spirits stay strong, and that it works to kill the cancer cells, also and ALWAYS for our family to continue to feel peace while going through this again.~~
thank you soooooooo much for everyone coming to dakotas site to offer prayers, love, & laughter. i read this site EVERYDAY and it really means so much to know how many love & care for my precious boy and also our family.~~until next time, God bless you all and have a WONDERFUL day :)
love lannette
Tuesday, April 5, 2005 8:50 AM CDT
good morning :)
thank you so much once again for stopping in to check on dakota & our family. well as you may know we went to charleston yesterday to meet the transplant team and to hear all that would be going on. everyone there was so very nice :)and this is what we found out~~~ dakota will go the hospital tomorrow (in charlotte) for three days of chemo then while his counts drop i will have to give him fours shots (forgot the medicine name) to boost his cells back up then we go back to charleston sometime this weekend and first thing monday morning we check into the hospital there for around three days or so and at this time while new & good cells are being forced to produce they will take these cells out and freeze for his transplant later down the road. then we come back home to continue chemo for several weeks until his counts drop to the lowest and his marrow will no longer be any good, at this time we go back to charleston were they will give him mega doses of chemo to hopefully kill the bad cancer cells then at this time dakota will recieve his transplant of his good cells being put back into him. all in all on this trip we will be in charleston for 60 days, all in the hospital except for the last two weeks we will have to stay in a hotel and dakota will have to go to the hospital everyday to have his blood checked to make sure the new cells are doing what they are suppose to. during these last two weeks he can not leave the hotel room except to go to the hospital. is your head spinning yet? mine too :) then from this point we will continue to watch and with MANY prayers it wont come back. dakota is taking al this very well however during the transplant he will VERY sick. there are many yucky side effects from doing this but at least we know whats ahead so we are doing our best to have much joy & happiness TODAY & EVERYDAY!!!! if any of you that may have connections for some fun things to do in charleston on a low budget, carriage rides ect....please let me know. although dakota does not have to be at the hospital until early monday i wanted to try & take him early saturday so we could maybe have a little fun & down time before all the craziness really sets in. if ya have any ideas write me at nutchale@aol.com thanks :) i will update again soon on how he does with the new chemo. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep dakota in your prayers along with all the other families traveling this road. ALSO during our long trip to charleston it would be nice if some of you could maybe give samantha a call and check in on her. 60 days without mom & brother will be long for her too. and for those of you who live near, a home cooked meal for ted & samantha both would be nice :) i'll give better dates as the time nears.
love to all :)
love lannette
tuesday 9:30 pm
sorry folks :( my mind is not totally with the program, we dont go back to charleston until next weekend, the 16th
Sunday, April 3, 2005 6:11 PM CDT
hello everyone :)
today is a bit better, but i still feel kinda numb. dakota has had nice weekend, he spent the night with his pal jake on friday and they stayed up until 5:00 am laughing & playing. ted & i got out last night and went to have dinner it was so nice being out just the two of us and with all that starts next week, who knows when we be able to do that again. in the morning dakota & i go to charleston to meet the transplant team. while he is there they will do some test like blood, scans, and even check his teeth. all has to be could for him to recieve the transplant. they said we should be there for around 4 hours so with an 8 hr drive (roundtrip) plus the time we will be there it is gonna be a long day. then wednesday he will go & get his stitches out and check into the hospital for three days for chemo. i'll update when we get home to let ya know how it goes. many prayers for him please that this chemo doesnt make him to sick. thank you.
our love to all, love lannette
Saturday, April 2, 2005 4:53 AM CST
hello everyone :)
i feel that i have so much in my head that i would really like to share with you but more than any thing i wish i could find "the very" words to let you know how this feels~~this would never be possible unless of corse you lived it.i'm NOT looking for your pitty, i'm just looking for a way to get through this. the fear is unlike anything i could ever begin to tell in words. the feelings of feeling like you are crazy for thinking such thoughts~~but all in all this IS, my (our, what i chose to share with my family & others, reality). my dreams are now of funerals & cancer, a sleep & awake. everything that could happen has danced in my head a ZILLION times a day, from what dakota will be like at age 20, 30, or maybe even 50~~~what side effects will he have from this ugly beast~~to what his funeral would be like. do i ask him what he would like if it came to that? yesterday i spent the WHOLE day reading on bone marrow transplants & like i said, i didnt like one word i read!!! although after talking to doctor McMahon its not gonna be as bad as my mind let it be~~but none the less NONE of it is good. i have this never ending sick feeling in my heart & in my soul and always in my stomache. i dont know how to get rid of it but then again i'm not sure if i want to because as many of you know that would mean denial. YES!!!! i have hope, and i KNOW God his hearing my pleas but i DO know that at times He does have a much more meaningful plan, even if its not for me to understand. HOWEVER if He hears my prayers than He MUST KNOW what this child is to me.....he is my little lost Michael. dakota is sooooo very much like his daddy, and i always knew this was a blessing for me~~~so why would God take that from me? and give my baby so much fear & pain? i dont expect to understand, i just want the sadness to go away!!!! pray tomorrow is a better day.
dakota & i go to charleston on monday to meet with the bone marrow transplant team. he will have many test done & talk about what to expect (fun) argggggg!!!!! then wednesdsay he will be in the hospital at carolinas medical center for three days to start his new chemo... again arggggg!!!!
ya know what i want???~~~ i want a guarantee that if i put him through all this hell~that he WILL be well again and able to be the young man that he should be able to be. however KNOWONE is giving me that.
like i said from this time on you will not only hear our joy but also much pain. please forgive me that for now i dont send joy but i will NOT hold back all my very raw emotions~~my heart is broke & i need to talk about it.
please add all my caringbridge friends to your prayers, there is way toooooo manyyyyyy families feeling the same pain. cancer really stinks but in a CHILD its heartbreaking!!!! ~~~for now i CHOSE to be MADDDD!!!!
love to all. love lannette
Thursday, March 31, 2005 11:40 PM CST
hello everyone :)
i thank you all so much for checking in on dakotas site. i know you have also been hoping to read an update well we are waiting to hear from the doctor. he had to make many calls for us on second opinions we hope to hear something today. what we do know is that dakota will have to have a bone marrow transplant, this is a long & yucky procedure that takes around 100 days in the hospital to do and it will be at an out of town hospital (charleston, s.c.)
i know it has many risk however i am waiting to hear from the doctor before i give to much info. i have spent the WHOLE day today reading on it & what i read i dont like except that it could save dakotas life. i just think to myself, how much can this little boy take? it breaks my heart not only for him, for myself, for our family~~but all those kids before us & all that have to go throught the pain of having a CHILD with cancer. i have two words "MONEY" and "RESEARCH"!!!!! it is the only way that these CHILDREN and families in the future will not feel this pain.
over & over again i thank you with all my heart for caring about dakota & our family and for stopping by to write a few words of cheer & support. i really am not sure how i would do this without your love & support. XOXOXOXOXOX to all of you :)
i will update again some time today. God bless.
love lannette & family
Saturday, March 26, 2005 9:27 PM CST
Hello Friends.Just a quick note to let everyone know that Dakota is home now...we will update later.Happy Easter...Also there are a few new pre-operation hospital photos i have downloaded...Ted
Easter Sunday 10:38am
hello everyone & Happy Easter. our Easter gift is that we have dakota back home & doing well :) like ted said all went well with his surgery and we got the mri results back and they showed no tumor left in his little head, which is wonderful news however there is growing cancer cells left so this is what they hope to kill with chemo & maybe radiation. we will not know what his treatment plan is going to be until monday or tuesday.
i know many of you have called to check on dakota & i'm sorry that i have not been able to call you back however things have been busy and i know you understand. thank you so much for all the calls, cards, prayers, and for writing on this site~~they all make us feel very loved & thought of :) please keep checking on the site & i hope to keep all the info up to date for you.
also please keep all my caringbridge friends in your thoughts & prayers, it is so sad as to how many families that are going through the same pain~cancer STINKS!!!!
have a wonderful & blessed day :)
love lannette
Saturday, March 26, 2005 9:00PM
Hello Friends.Just a short note to let everyone know that Dakota is home and doing pretty well.We will update you later...Ted
Thursday, March 24, 2005 12:00 PM EST
Hello Everyone.I just wanted to update everyone on Dakotas Surgery today.He went in to the operating room at approximately 6:30 am today Thursday 3/24/05 and came out at about 10:00 am.He is now in recovery and it is 12 Noon as i write this.He is doing ok and is still sleeping.He has been awake and is aware of everything.Dr Heafner has talked with him and all his vvital signs are good.He moved different body parts as instructed and continues to recover from the surgery.Soon he should be placed in another room on the surgical floor for the night where the nurses will continue to monitor him.He will then be moved again to a room until he is ready to come home.We will try to update you at a later date.Till then please say extra prayers and think of him often as he really needs everyone at this difficult time.Thank you all and God Bless You....Ted
Tuesday, March 22, 2005 11:34 PM CST
hello everyone~
well our past few days have been bitter-sweet. we have packed in tons of fun for dakota before going to surgery. bitter-sweet because no matter how much fun you are having the monster is still there with us.
i want to thank everyone for coming to dakotas site to check on him & our family. again it REALLY means so much to us :) thanks. we leave today to go to the hospital. we'll be leaving around 2:00 pm and hope to have his room by 5:00 anyone who would like to come up and visit is VERY welcome. i think you can come up until around 8:30 or so. thursday night dakota will be in icu so we will not have a room again until friday (i think) please keep my baby in your prayers and also pray for Dr. Heafner as he does dakota surgery. ted will be on thursday or friday to let all know how the surgery went.
as for now dak has been doing really wonderful thanks to his dear friends jake cullon & also ashely campbell. we have kept him so busy, not much time to worry :) i have so much to be thankful for such as my wonderful family (my dad & step mom are here from northern indiana) plus all our wonderful friends~~~~~thanks cullons for the way you love my son & all you have done for him & us. thank you is so small compared to what you deserve. also to the campbells who keep the prayers going strong. ALSO to jim gover and ALLLLLL the wonderful folks at dakotas school ~~~~~the list goes on & on :) and last but NEVER least all my caringbridge friends & our friends on the ptg~~~i love you all so much. thanks for seeing us through these sad & hard times. with all the yuck we are in the midst of i still cant help but feel so grateful for friendship & love~~old & new :) thank you to all. XOXO
well my friends i need some sleep so this is it for now, you'll hear from ted soon. please go back to my last post and pray for those listed. their roads are still hard to travel & could use your love.
nighty nite ;) love lannette
Friday, March 18, 2005 7:16 AM CST
hello everyone~
today my heart is filled with so much sadness. yesterday we found out that dakotas has a new tumor. that is all i can write for now. please keep praying for us. lannette
ok i'm back, and doing a bit better for the time being. well here it is and it STINKS!!!! dakota went monday to get his MRI done then yesterday had a spinal tap done plus a bone marrow test, because this type of cancer spreads also to these two areas. the result of the MRI was not good, dakota has a new tumor in the front of his brain. he will be having surgery thursday the 24th then he will have to start his treatments of radiation & chemo all over again. this makes me so very sad for him :(
the first time around was so very hard on his little body and his body has not had much time to recover from it. he ended his last set of treatments in nov. so it's only been 4 months and he has only started to feel really good the past 8 weeks. he didnt even what to go through it again but after talking we agreed that we (he) needed to however also agreed if it gets to be to much we would stop or if it doesnt seem to be helping, we'll stop. please keep us in your prayers, they are so very much appreciated :) PLEASE add this site to your favorites and check in on dakotas site as often as you can :) we LOVE your kind words and they REALLY brighten our days. so please please dont go away :) :) :) well i will be writing again real soon to give times of surgery (so you can come & visit :)
plus other details.
love, hugs, & kisses to all
love lannette XOXO
*****also while praying for dakota PLEASE add my dear friend patty & her son anthony to your prayers. patty lost her daughter Melissa to glioblastoma (the same type of brain cancer michael had). their website is www.caringbridge.org/nj/melissa
also my dear & wonderful friends donna & chris who lost their sweet baby Asa. they too could use your love & prayers.
www.caringbridge.org/sc/asa *******
Sunday, Febuary 13th
well hello everyone :)
normally ted does the update job for me however i'm trying to learn so that i can update more often, so please be patient with me :)
i have WOUNDERFUL news!!! in the past two weeks dakota has been doing soooo much better. he is back in school & trying to go full days. he also is still doing home schooling to try & get him caught up with all that he has missed (of corse, dakota thinks that having to do real school & then home school, is very unfair, however mamma grateful to have the help to get him caught up). his homebound teacher is wonderful, we feel very blessed for having him. since being back in school his headaches have also improved, YEA!!! this weekend dakota went on a snow skiing trip with his dear friends the culluns. this family has been so WOUNDERFUL to dakota & our family. we are very blessed also to have so many caring people in our lives. thank you Jesus :)
the kids & i leave wednesday to go on a kids cancer group trip to DISNEY~~woo!hoo! the trip is from the wounderful group "happy days & special times". this special group of caring people, do so many great things for kids with cancer & the families.
well while i'm talking about all the joy are family is now having, i hope that you will contine to pray for my sweet baby. dakotas next mri is march the 12th. for us the power of prayer is what has seen us through. The Lord has truely blessed us in so many ways however we never know what His plans are for us down the road. i also would appreciate prayers for my sweet friends, the ragusa's. melissa also has brain cancer, glioblastoma~which is what micheal, my late husband, the kids father died. melissa is at the end of journey & really could use your prayers of peace & love. her website is www.caringbridge.org/nj/melissa thank you
also please pray for my friends,the allens, who lost their sweet little boy, Asa,just three months ago. these are really the hard times~~the months after when everyone seems to be going on with their lives. Asa parents update his page to let everyone know how they are doing, the website is www.caringbridge.org/sc/asa. again thank you for the prayers for these wounderful families. there really is so many more, so please if you could say a small prayer for all going through this battle & that God give them peace within their hearts.
Friday, November 19, 2004 9:45 PM CST
Hello again everyone.Thanks for visiting.Well i just want everyone to know Dakota has finished all of his treatments and he will be re-starting school this Monday 11-22-04.He is really excited and just a little scared since he will be like the "new kid", but with a little time and help from Lannette im sure the transition will be smooth.Dak still has problems with headaches and hopefully they will pass after a while.I think just getting back to a normal routine will help a lot.Keep him in your thoughts and prayers cause he still has a long way to go.Its been a very difficult year for everyone, however we hope the new year will bring many promises for him and all involved.Thanks again and i will update you all later...Ted
Monday, October 18, 2004 6:39 PM CDT
Hello everyone.Thank you for visiting Dakotas Page.I have posted a couple of pictures of The Wall Of Courage that Lannette put together for a recent cancer benefit here in Lake Wylie at T-Bones restaurant.This benefit for childhood cancer is to be held around the same time in October of each year for a needy child and their family.This was the second benefit.Ok,now for Dakota;he is still being home schooled until his last chemo treatment.He is very excited about this being his last one and hopefully he will be able to return to school for the rest of the year.We will keep you updated when possible about his progress...Ted
Tuesday, September 14, 2004 7:32 PM CDT
Hello again all.Just a little update to let you know that Dakota spent the night last night(9-14-04)in the hospital for another chemo treatment.He only has 1 more to go now. YIPPIE.He has gained quite a bit of weight since the last treatment and it really seems to have helped him cope with the chemo better.He was on steroids for a while and it really helped his appetite a lot.Kid ate everything in site.Lannette has been really involved with this and a couple of benefits for other children also.Thank you all for your calls and prayers.We DO get the messages you all leave on the ansering machine and here so please dont think we are ignoring you if we dont call you back.This is a real busy place most of the time and it is seldom a scene of down time.We do thank you all and we will continue to update you either here or when time permits we will call.Again Thank you all.You are all blessings to us.Ted
Saturday, August 21, 2004 7:32 PM CDT
Hello again everyone.I would just like to update you on Dakota.He started school again this year but unfortunately he had to drop out due to severe constant headaches.He is currently being home schooled again until we can get a handle on what is causing them.We had another c/t scan on August 13th and thank God it came back clear.He has a few appointments in the near future with several different specalists to find the root of the headaches.Different medications and such may be causing them.The doctors so far cannot pinpoint what causes them.The good news is that in the past few days they have occured less and less.Mom took him off caffeine and such and removed some candles from inside the house,,,also his sister was gone for a weekend (HA HA),so we are hoping a combination of trial and error will work for him.Other than that he is gaining weight and feels good most of the time.Thanks for the calls and prayers and we will update you all later...by the way he is going to try and go back to school when he can and we will let everyone know when that will be...God Bless....Ted
Thursday, July 15, 2004 12:09 AM CDT
Hello everyone.Sorry for the long delay but we have really been busy this summer.Just to let everyone know Dakota is doing fairly well these days.He still needs to gain weight but only about 7 pounds.We went to the beach for a week in june and really had a large time.Dakota hopes to start school again this year so we are going to see how that goes when the time gets here.Hope everyone is well that reads this.We will update later...Ted
Saturday, May 15, 2004 8:12 PM CDT
Hello again friends.Dakota had a birthday May 13th and he really had a good party on Friday night.About 50 of his friends showed up for the festivities that included fireworks,food,all kind of games,and tons of fun.I think it will take him a while to calm down from all the exitment.Just to name a few of the things he got for his birthday i will start with....DRUMS...Yes now Dakota is a proud owner of a set of drums that a local band here in Lake Wylie used to do their show...It is a real nice set...I will post a picture of them with him...He also got LOTS of CASH!!!Around $1,100.00.WoW..Plus cards,videos,games toys ,you name it he got it....Well thats about all for now i just wanted to let everyone know that his birthday was 5/13/04 so if ya wanna send him a Happy Birthday online his aol screenname is httpimp3@aol.com will update later...Ted
Tuesday, April 6, 2004 8:02 PM CDT
Hello everyone.Sorry for the long delay on the update but spring is here and we are as busy as can be.Dakota is doing fairly well these days but he seems to be having a lot of headaches.We are not sure why and neither is the doctor at this time.He has an appointment this Friday with a neurologist to see if they can find out what is bringing on the headaches.Hopefully its caused by all the stuff he is taking.All his M.R.I."s have come back clean so i guess the doctor will be able to tell us something soon.We continue to Pray he will be out of this and back to semi-normal real soon so he can enjoy the summer.Thanks to everyone for the support and prayers.Keep on doing it cause its working.Dakota had a car show benefit done in his honor Saturday April 3rd and they gave him a check for 850.00.They told him to spend it any way he wanted!!!He so far has a new Paint Gun and really wants some drums.(OOOHHH NOOOOO).There is another benefit coming up in May.Its a bike show and poker run that the Knothole Saloon is doing for him and its gonna be BIG. Glen Scronce is the owner and there is usually over 600 bikes there.I will see if i can post a picture.Thats all for now.running out of room.Pictures have been updated March 11.Ted
Sunday, March 14, 2004 6:30 PM CST
Hello all.I just wanted to update you all on Dakota.He went for his M.R.I.on Tuesday March 9th and i am happy to say that the report came back CLEAN!! He has to spend the night in the hospital again tomorrow, March 15th, for his 3rd round of Chemo.He is doing well with the treatments and they seem to not make his as sick as when they started.We continue to help him in his fight with this disease and we want to thank everyone that has said even a little prayer for him.They are sure working and he is a living testament to that.We will keep you all updated with his progress and once again Thank you all...Ted,Lannette,Samantha and Dakota.
Thursday, February 26, 2004 5:23 PM CST
Welcome back to Dakotas web page..Well it FINALLY snowed here and Dakota is really excited about it.We have had several near misses with the forecast but they finally got one right.I dont think Dakota really thought it would snow this time but it REALLY DID!He is doing fairly well these days but still has his bad days after chemo.He is gaining weight back again and doing pretty good with the treatments.On March 9th Dakota will have another MRI and as usual we ask for all your prayers and thoughts that it will also turn out well.I have posted some new pictures and hope you like them.He has hair again!!!So do i!!!Thats about all for now except to say thank you all for the cards,letters and prayers.Talk to ya again soon with the results of his MRI.Ted Lannette Samantha and Dakota....
Sunday, February 8, 2004 9:21 PM CST
Welcome Back! Dakota had his second chemo treatment this past monday and he actually only had to spend one night in the hospital this time! Yippie!!!! This time the doctor cut back a little on the dose and Dak was only sick for the first couple of days.He is doing well now and even was able to spend the night at a friends house last night(2/7).We just went to the Monster Truck Rally here on friday night and we all had a great time...Im glad i only have to type cause i sure cant hear anymore!!!!Dakotas favorite truck won again.The name of the truck is "THE GRAVE DIGGER".Its a big mean nasty looking thing that wins a lot of rallys.Also there was a truck called the TRANSFORMER.It looks like a tank until the front opens up and it becomes a robot that fires a REAL loud cannon...Oh well anyway,Daks doing ok and we all are trying our best to live as normally as possible during this difficult time.Thank you all for your support and prayers and we will update you later.Ted,Lannette,Samantha and Dakota.....
Thursday, January 29, 2004 8:51 PM CST
Hello everyone.Today is January 29 and Snow is still on the ground here from an ice storm that came through this past Sunday.The kiddos missed a few days of school and Dakota got to do a little mushing around in the ice.(more ice than snow here).He has been looking forward to sledding a little and he got to do just a little before it got so icy that you couldnt walk without falling.Dakota will check into Carolinas Medical Center again on Monday 2/2 for another round of chemotherapy.(that is if the Panthers dont win the super bowl,if they do he checks in 2/3.Doctors Orders.he has to go to a super bowl party when the Panthers win);)He seems to be handling the chemo ok but still is a little sick from the first round.He continues to do the best he can in his situation God bless him.Please continue to think of him and say a prayer every now and then because the little guy sure needs all of us.Thanks to all and we will stay in touch when possible...Ted ,Lannette,Samantha and Dakota...
Sunday, January 4, 2004 12:48 AM CST
hello to all~well it's 2004 woo hoo!! we would like to wish evevryone a happy & wonderful new year. we pray ours will only get better with each passing day. dakota is doing good, even gained 6lbs! yea!! his hair is also starting to grow back. the chemo has made him feel yucky (bad cramps all over his little body & headaches too) but he sure is a tough fella & trys not to complain much.the doctor said he will have to cut the dose next time so it's not so hard on dakota. i was concernrd on how this will kill the cancer if he's not getting as much chemo,i was told many kids still do well with a lower dose.they will do an MRI every 6 weeks to see how it's doing, he will get another MRI in a few weeks so we will keep you updated. thank you to all for the prayers, love, care,& letters to our family.
well we are having a beautiful day here in the carolinas, almost 70!! i would love to go do some fishing but know one around here shares my same excitment for that type of fun
:( but i know these days are far & few so i'm doing something outside. i'll write again soon. love lannette
Saturday, December 13, 2003 4:09 PM CST
Hello All and Merry Christmas...The day of Dakotas M.R.I has come and gone.After 2 days of anguish and worry im happy to report that we heard from Dr.McMahon today.He reported that Dakotas M.R.I. looked good.What a joyous day this has been for everyone that was hoping and praying for that child.WE wish to thank everyone for all their support and prayers because all of you had a hand in the outcome.I also would like to thank God and all the Angles for their help because if it werent for them this would not have been possible.Dakota still has a long way to go but with all this help he cant go wrong.Monday 12/15 Dakota starts his chemotherapy and will be spending the night at Carolinas Medical Center in Charlotte.We will update you later about his progress and again thank you all for being so caring and diligent.Also i have 1 Christmas picture posted so far and will try to add more...Ted
Wednesday, November 26, 2003 9:06 PM CST
Hello All! Well tomorrow is turkey day(Thanksgiving for us,bad news for the turkeys)We have our bird all suited up in its greasy overcoat ready for the deep fat fryer.Yummmmm.Well just a little note to let everyone know that Dakota is doing extremely well.His break is giving him time to relax a little and get some much needed sleep.He continues to feel good most every day and his hair is even starting to come back.Thanks to all for your prayers and concern.Have a nice Thanksgiving and we will update you later...Ted
Tuesday, November 4, 2003 12:15 AM CST
Well Halloween has come and gone and Dakota has taken care of that sweet tooth once and for all.He got lots of goodies and has shared quite a few with the family.Dakota is taking his last radiation treatment today 11/4/03.He gets a 6 week break and then starts another round of chemo.He is doing pretty well but is having lots of pain from muscle aches.we hope those will pass soon.He has good and bad days..mostly good.His spirits are up and he NEVER complains about his illness.We are very proud of the way he has handled this whole ordeal.Early December he will go back for another M.R.I. ..Please keep Dakota in your prayers and he will win this battle with flying colors.....Thanks to all.Ted
Thursday, October 23, 2003 9:16 PM CDT
Hello Everyone.Well its almost Halloween,I have added a couple of new pictures..I still cant get them Quite right but its a learning experience.Dakota thanks you for all your support and prayers and continues along this difficult path with all your help.He is doing well and school work is a snap with his teachers help.May be his best year ever...Horray!!!!Well happy Halloween and hope you all have a very safe and fun night...Ted,lannette,dakota and samantha
Monday, October 6, 2003 7:46 PM CDT
10/6/2003. Hello all...Just wanted you to know that i Finally got a half decent picture for ya to look at...Sorry it took so long. Dakota is doing pretty good these days.He is still having the intensive radiation treatments.He has been taking them every day except saturday and sunday for the past 4 weeks.He still has 4 weeks to go..He continues his chemo once a week also.Today Dakota started to loose his hair,however he knew it would happen so he was prepared for it to some degree.His home schooling is continuing and he is doing well there also.Dakota has some sick days and hopefully he will get past those soon.Please keep Dakota in your prayers.He is one strong little guy and he is fighting with all he has...Will update when possible...Ted
Saturday, September 27, 2003 10:31 PM CDT
Hello All....Just wanted you to know Dakota is going to radiation every day and chemo once a week now.He has had some bad days but mostly good days lately.He continues to be home schooled and i think he likes that .We are going to the panthers game tomorrow(9/28/03)Horray for the home team!!!!! Well i will update you all later ..Please keep Dak in your prayers and if you would like to call him our number is 803-831-1705....Thanks,Ted.
Thursday, September 18, 2003 6:41 PM CDT
Hello all.Dakota has now started his radiation and chemotherapy .Wednesday 9/17/03 he had his 1st chemo treatment and did fine.Thursday 9/18/03 he had his 1st radiation treatment and it was a little rough on him.Not so much the treatment, but the way he had to stay still for over an our on the table.He also started his home schooling on Monday 9/14/03.His teachers name is Mr.Gover.He is real nice and Dak likes him a lot...Thats about all for now.Please keep Dak in your prayers and we will update when possible...Ted ..... P.S...I have added a picture of dakota.im new at editing these pictures and this is NOT one dak picked but its the first one i could get to upload..ill keep trying...
Thursday, September 18, 2003 6:41 PM CDT
Hello all.Dakota has now started his radiation and chemotherapy .Wednesday 9/17/03 he had his 1st chemo treatment and did fine.Thursday 9/18/03 he had his 1st radiation treatment and it was a little rough on him.Not so much the treatment, but the way he had to stay still for over an our on the table.He also started his home schooling on Monday 9/14/03.His teachers name is Mr.Gover.He is real nice and Dak likes him a lot...Thats about all for now.Please keep Dak in your prayers and we will update when possible...Ted
Friday, September 12, 2003 8:05 PM EDT
HELLO EVERYONE!!!! Got some good news today.Dakota went to the doctor yesterday (9-11-03) for his spinal tap. We got the good news today that the spinal tap was NEGATIVE..WOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!He continues to do well and is strong and active as any 12 year old...Thanks to all for the prayers. please keep em coming for him...we will continue to update you when possible....Ted
Friday, September 12, 2003 6:44 PM CDT
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