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Wednesday, August 11, 2004 11.30am This morning I wrote a long entry and said it would be the last. Well, here I am again and it isn't even afternoon of the same day! Gil reminded me of some useful information you might like to have. So this quick message will consign the longer, earlier entry to history. Be sure to visit it where it will be lurking as the most recent of the previous entries.
Maggie finished her film about Gil's recovery. It is called "Pulled from the Rubble" and with any luck may turn up in public showings of documentary films. Also, she has done a piece for ABC Nightline which will be shown on the anniversary of the blast, the 19th of August. Interviews Gil has given recently will be aired as follows: BBC World Hard Talk sometime soon--date uncertain. CNN International Diplomatic License, Saturday 21 August at 7.30 and 15.30, Sunday 22 August at 8.30 and again on Monday 23 August at 5.30. (These times are for transmission in the UK. We do not know about times in other parts of the world.)
Well, folks, that's it--unless we come up with something else. We have copied the site to paper and a CD and now will wait a few days to see if you send us any more guest book messages. Then we will copy those last bits so we don't lose any of your wonderful messages. Thanks again; you have been great.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004 8 am It's Ann writing. This will be the last entry on the site and I have been finding it very difficult to come to grips with the idea that this connection to all of you will be broken. Knowing you are all out there and caring about us has made this last year much much better than it otherwise would have been. We all want to thank you for helping us get through the bad times and for enjoying the good times with us. Keep in touch by email (gil@loescher.freeserve.co.uk)or post if you can.
The month that has gone by since the last entry has been happily frantic. The best bit was that we were putting the finishing touches on Maggie and Joel's wedding which took place in the garden last Sunday. The place was hopping with family members, Maggie and Joel's friends and neighbours. The only thing Gil and I had to do to get ready was to get the house and mainly the garden in shape for the event. Gil has become an expert waterer, raker and hauler of heavy stuff with the help of his tramper and its trailer. He has turned out to be an enthusiastic shopper at garden centres, especially when it comes to buying trees. He likes to go for the ones that promise to be enormous in 50 years. (Joel's parents gave us an oak for the garden so we can sit and watch that grow!) Claire has been here to help with the preparations and to take Gil to the NOC for walking. She has been indispensible and has given up a lot of her summer to keeping us on track. Matt has come when he can and we always save the really heavy jobs for him. Family members from Arizona and New Jersey came early enough to be put to work and friends and neighbours mucked in with gusto. With so many people helping, the place got to looking pretty good. The vain roses put on a spectacularly blousy display as did the gladioli. The sunflowers didn't quite make it into flower but we can enjoy them later on. The weather on the day was all we had hoped for--bright but with enough cloud to dilute the August heat. As the guests accumulated and drank their Pimms, Gil was upstairs getting ready. He had worked hard preparing for the day. He bought his first pair of shoes (size 10 instead of his former size 15s), new long trousers and socks. The prosthetist at the NOC practiced walking with him, holding one arm while he held the parallel bar with the other. Claire helped him get downstairs and onto the deck. The pianist played the march my grandmother wrote in 1941 for my parents' wedding and Gil walked Maggie along the deck and gave her to Joel. Wow. It was wonderful. Maggie wore a vingtage 1950s blue taffeta dress with flocked velvet red roses and green leaves on it. (Remember those dresses, girls? We wore crinoline petticoats under them to the sophomore hop.) Joel wore tweed plus fours with a woollen tattersall vest and a cravat. He bravely withstood the heat and kept all his clothes on all day. Joel and Maggie had planned the day carefully but we couldn't let them get away without one surprise: A few of us decided there should be a performance of the play within the play from Midsummer Night's Dream--the one which the rustics perform for Theseus and Hippolyta on their wedding day. Joel's parents played parts as did Claire and Matt. Two brave neighbours attacked the roles of Lion and Thisbe. My niece played them on and off stage on the french horn as no trumpet was available. The costumes consisted mainly of burlap sacks, bed sheets and ribbons. Great fun! The cakes were cut (Joel had made them all: fruit, ginger and chocolate)and then the guests wandered homeward leaving joy hanging in the air like the last lingering note at the end of a wonderful piece of music. At 5 the next morning I awoke to pelting rain and a livingroom full of young people who had stayed to camp in the garden. Sleeping bags were soaked but spirits were not dampened and everybody mucked in to help clean up. The marquees were struck, the hired crockery, furniture and loos were collected and friends and relatives who had travelled from far away dispersed to interesting places for the rest of their stay. Gil and I jammed our visiting families into the big car and took them on a tour of the Cotswolds in the rain.
I have to interject a bit of bad news here. The little dog we adopted from Blue Cross (Sparky) had to be returned. She terrorised (or "terrierorisd") our cat whose claim to our home and affections long superceded Sparky's. You will be pleased to know that Sparky is with a new family that has no cat but enough kids to keep her happily occupied. She was great and we had a fun-filled if energy sapping week with her.
Gil's progress with mobility goes beyond walking Maggie to Joel. He has had a session trying C Legs under the close care of three experts from Otto Boch. In preparation for that he worked intensively with the Mauch knees to get a feel for how hydraulic/pneumatic knees work. This required him to unlearn how to walk with the free knees he had been using and to relearn "real" walking. The weight distribution is very different for the two kinds of knees and though it has been difficult to make the change, Gil has done very well. The hydraulic knees allow Gil to have a more natural gait and be more upright. They are more forgiving and so Gil does not have to worry quite so much about the possibility of falling at every step. He is getting to be more expert at getting his legs on and can stand from sitting and sit from standing very smoothly. His improving upper body strength serves him very well in all this. He is practicing driving the car with hand controls with a view to passing his test before too long. He has had a couple more spills with the tramper. I think his centre of gravity is higher than the design of the tramper is made to deal with but he is learning how to adjust for that. It is, however, scary for him to be happily mucking about on it in the garden and then suddenly find himself under it instead of on it.
Every autumn since I was 5 years old has meant the beginning of a new school year for me either as a pupil, a student, the mother of one or the other, a teacher or the wife of a professor. I thought that wonderful new-pencil-box feeling was to be gone from my life but happily I was wrong. Claire will go back to SOAS to finish her masters and the professor returns to the coal face--Gil will be lecturing at Oxford starting in October and he is very much looking forward to that!
Gil is looking over my shoulder and says he wanted to write one more time. He might but don't count on it. The work is piling up for him already and he has begun professorial mumbling with the daily paper shuffling. He's back!
Monday, July 5, 2004 10.30am It's Ann again. I'm sorry I missed writing last night. We were enjoying roast lamb and a chin wag with great friends until quite late. Claire and Maggie overlapped at home yesterday for a special reason. We went to Blue Cross and brought home a dog. She is a pretty nice little thing--black and tan, mostly Lakeland terrier, 2 years old and very smart. She and the cat have yet to sort out their differences which seem to be mainly of age and interest in play. Gil really likes Sparky (the dog) and she already seems to understand that she must not walk in front of the wheelchair when it is moving or sit down behind it when it is not because it might at any moment. She has not yet figured out exactly what Gil's legs are. She sniffs tentatively and circles them looking up at Gil. The first few times she saw the lift coming and going she was thoroughly confused.
My brother Stephen has made another flying visit (no Big George this time) and extended the deck to more than double its size. Now Gil gets a long walk with good turning space at each end. Say what you will about the advantages of having a doctor or a lawyer in the family, I'll choose a carpenter every time! (Thanks, Steve!) On Steve's last day here he had some alarming news from home. His wife, Barbara, had been attacked and bitten by a rabid fox. So send her some of your good thoughts and prayers as she undergoes the rather unpleasant treatment.
Gil is more independent with walking as each day passes. He now puts his legs on by himself, goes down in the lift in the wheelchair and out onto the deck and then gets himself to standing using the railings. Then he is off, sidestepping to work his flank muscles and stretching upwards to extend his spine. It does get to feeling pretty compacted with so much sitting. Then one of us plays minder and releases the knee catches so he can have a proper walk.
We are beginning a big week in the leg department. Gil starts tomorrow to use hydraulicly assisted knees. It is a first step to trying the computerized ones. Wish him luck!
On the 30th of June, we 4 Loeschers and Stephen went to a memorial service for those who died at the UN in Baghdad and to pray for the safe deliverance of all the Iraqi people from the present into a better future. It was held in St Margaret's Chapel (next to Westminster Abbey) and Gil read a short testimony he had written. It was a very moving occasion and there were many people there whom Gil was pleased to meet or see again. Gil closed his remarks with a quotation from E M Forester (At Christmas we were given a card by a good friend and neighbour with this written on it.) because we think it describes everyone who works for peace in the world: I believe in an aristocracy of the sensitive, the considerate and the plucky. Its members are to be found in all nations and classes.... They represent the true human tradition, the one permanent victory over cruelty and chaos.
There will be a few more entries to this site and then it must close. It will have been a year since the blast and that is the limit for a caringbridge site. We owe you all so many thanks for your thoughts, prayers and messages and look forward to a few more before we have to close down.
Sunday, June 20, 2004 nearly midnight It's Ann again. No more Tramper spills and Gil finds more uses for it every day. He has been helping in the garden using it to water the flower beds and to rake the lawn. It goes happily to the lower part of the garden so Gil can check on the progress of his first crop of blueberries.
Gil met with the representative of the Otto Bock company. They are the people who make C-legs--the computerised prosthetic legs with hydraulic knees that Gil is hoping to get. They are rarely used by bilateral amputees and the company has no feedback about the success of those who have tried it. Most of them are in the USA and Gil is hoping to be the first in the UK. They are very expensive and so we decided that Gil should first try the hydraulic knees without the computer component to see what a difference that makes. Having carefully watched Gil's progress on prosthetics, I am convinced that the only thing holding him back now is the fear that his free knees will suddenly let him down. If hydraulic knees alleviate that fear I think he will do much better. His practice sessions at home are giving him confidence to walk in new situations. He can now negotiate the door between the deck and the livingroom and can walk through the downstairs. This involves two different floors--tile and wood--and two doorways. Because of showers today the deck was a little slippery and so we just stood around out there in a spell of late afternoon sunshine. Gil practiced balancing without holding onto the railing or his sticks. He can stand up tall with his hands on his hips and is able to adjust his weight to keep his balance.
We are getting used to the newness of the house and are finally hanging pictures on the wall and emptying boxes into cupboards. The list of lost things is still long but we are managing to cross things off it daily. Gil's lift is wonderful. He uses it to go up and down as readily as one uses the stairs. I take possession whenever there is a hoover or a pile of laundry or some piece of furniture to be transported. You can see out while riding in it. I concentrate on the view through the windows and not on the dust kittens under furniture--easy to see as the floor passes eye level.
Sunday, May 30, 2004 midnight It's Ann tonight. It is a long weekend here and in the US too I think. We have Maggie and Claire and Joel and Matt here to help move us back into our own house. The work on it is nearly finished and it is terrific. Gil has tried all the doorways and thresholds and declared them excellent. There were some compromises to be made with the exterior doors--they had to be easy for Gil to negotiate but still keep the water out when it rains. Good friends and neighbours have added their offers of help to the kids' and so when the van with our furniture arrives tomorrow we should have plenty of hands to make light the work. We have been very fortunate indeed to have had the use of this house but we will be glad to go home. We will miss the wildlife: the ducks that visit are now so bold they come into the kitchen to ask for bread and a pair of small owls keeps us awake at night. But the news from Southside's neighbours is that a fox and her kit come to dine outside our back door so we will not be without visitors.
Gil has been on fine form and has survived a few knocks over the last fortnight. There was one more walking fall--a spectacular, twisting, balletic number ending in a terrible thud on the gym floor. I think there was an expletive uttered. Gil weighted a bent knee as he tried to turn 180 degrees to sit in his chair and that was all it took. He was not hurt but one of his knees suffered some damage and had to go into the repair shop. It is working again and Friday's walk was short but uneventful. With continued practice over the past weeks Gil's stance has become more and more upright. He gains confidence with every walk and has been walking independently--a physiotherapist nearby but not shadowing or holding onto his belt.
Gil and Maggie shot some hoops. It was the first time since the bomb. Gil was both reassured and saddened by it. He was happy to find he can still sink the ball and dribble even when in a wheelchair. He outshot Maggie on a one to one skirmish--the hook still works. But he realised the game will never be the same again.
Gil has taken delivery of a Tramper--nicknamed electric wellies--and has been tootling all over the neighbourhood. He and the girls took a walk within an hour of its having been delivered (I was at the Chelsea Flower Show) and I gather he could not stop grinning. It is quiet and a real work horse on hills. The wheels are big enough and the gearing low enough so that it can do a one in four grade. It has a little trailer and today it was put to good use hauling things from here to Southside. Everyone has had a turn driving it. It is supposed to be nearly impossible to flip but Gil somehow managed to do just that. Without his legs, his weight is pretty far back in a seat. (The wheelchair is specially designed to take that into account.)So when he went up a short, steeply graded slope the front of the Tramper left the ground and the thing rolled over backward and then onto its side. There were a few terrible moments before we got to him and saw he was wriggling out of the seat and seemed to be ok. We moved the seat forward and he got right back into the saddle for more practice until that bronco is broke!
Monday, May 17, 2004 2 pm It's Ann today. We've just come back from the Monday walking session at the prosthetics gym. Gil has been doing very well and continues to add new can-dos to his list of accomplishments. Today he learned how to get up from the floor. The weight training regimen he has adhered to so faithfully stands him in good stead in situations like this and he was able to hoist himself quite easily back onto his chair by mounting a series of platforms. Then with the help of two physiotherapists he had a little walk outdoors. He went along the sidewalk with free knees, locked his knees, stepped down off the curb, unlocked his knees, walked back along the driveway, locked his knees, stepped up the curb, unlocked his knees and walked back to the gym. No small feat! (Did I ever explain the locks? There is a tiny lever at the upper outside of each socket connected by cable to the respective knee--a little like bicycle hand brakes.)
Last week saw some pretty amazing progress. Gil did stairs--lots of them! By the end of the week he was climbing the whole three flights to the top floor of the centre and then back down again. It is done with locked knees and requires a lot of twisting and a good grip on the railings. It also requires a good deal of puff and a huge amount of will power. Gil is proving to have quite a bit of both of these. It is wondeful how much time and encouragement the staff are willing to give. All of this is a real team effort.
Whenever anyone asks Gil how his walking is coming along he always says how much he is looking forward to trying hydraulic/pneumatic knees. The advantage of these over free knees is that with them a bent knee is not a completely unsupported knee. He is also looking forward to the possibility of computer assisted knees (hydraulic/pneumatic with microchips)that would allow him to walk without giving so much thought to every part of every step. These kinds of knees are not used as yet by people with double amuptations but Gil has been doing so well that the company that makes them has agreed to visit him and the team at the NOC to assess Gil as a possible user.
Modifications to our house are coming along well and it is a pretty sure thing that we will move back in on time. It has taken a lot of thought on the part of eneryone involved and the builders (Phil and Mick) have given lots of attention to detail with a view to making it easy for Gil to use. It will be wonderful to be home again but I know there is a terrific amount of work to be done finding everything and putting it away. I can't remember where I put things to begin with and lots of stuff has been moved around since we packed it up in the first place. I am wearing Gil's shirts because the weather has gone gorgeous and I have no idea where my own summer things are.
Gil decided his homework for the weekend was to put trousers on with his legs. (He usually walks in swim trunks.) Any long trousers Gil has that have not yet been adapted (cut and sewn shut at the bottoms) are lost in the mess at our house so he settled for trying it with shorts. The advice he had been given was to dress the legs first and then put them on so that is what he tried. It worked pretty well and by the third time he did it without expletives. Getting trousers up over his bottom while lying on the bed requires some rolling about and he does that every day but when he did it with the legs on they waved about in big arcs, coming dangerously close to hanging lampshade, bookcases and cheerleader (me). I am wondering if there is some way to modify trousers a la Full Monty to make the process easier.
Sunday, May 2, 2004 11.30pm It's Ann tonight. Gil is asleep as it is quite late.
Gil has done a lot of walking in the last two weeks and he has accomplished a couple of firsts. He now walks with two sticks (canes) instead of crutches. He is finding it a bit difficult to get used to because there is not the support for his wrists and forearms that there is with crutches; but he is determined. He has had several very long walks both indoors and outdoors at the orthopedic centre. The only thing he has not yet mastered with sticks is getting up from his chair. He will have to be schooled in that process with free, bent knees. This will entail pushing himself straight upward on this sticks using the strength of his arms and shoulders. (At the moment he puts legs out in front of him and his crutches behind him and with locked knees he pushes himself up and forward. This is difficult enough!) He has been doing some new exercises with a view to accomplishing standing with bent knees and his shoulder muscles are quite magnificent. Claire found some handles in a second hand store that will aid in further development of same!
The other first was a real fall. He had gone down once before but that was a kind of slow and graceful descent to the floor while holding onto the parallel bars. Last week's fall was more dramatic and took everyone by surprise. Gil had just accomplished the third walk of the day--a long one--and was returning to the gym for a rest when he got his weight slightly too far forward, suddenly both knees bent and he whacked down onto them. He managed to put his hands out to catch himself, ending up on all fours. He did no damage that was immediately apparent but later we noticed some bruising where the top of his left socket comes. It has not put him off and the next walking session was as good as ever. He is building stamina and looking forward to making walking part of every day life and not just an end in itself.
Gil had an eye appointment at the Radcliffe Eye Hospital last week. He has complained of dimness of vision ever since he woke up from the morphine. Apparently the cataracts he is developing are no more advanced than those found in many people his age and are a long way from needing attention. He seems to have some field of vision problems and somewhat diminished colour perception. These possible problems will be further investigated over the next few weeks. It is possible that his eyes suffered damage similar to that which his ears suffered as a result of the blast. When asked what he remembers of the blast, Gil says it was like a billion light bulbs going off at once. Maybe that is what affected his vision.
The work on our house continues to go well. We are at the stage where we must be patient while the plaster dries so we see little progress compared with what has happened over the last weeks. Gil has rolled around the downstairs checking out the new widths of doorways and the view from the lowered windows. He cannot get upstairs so tomorrow Maggie will video up there and he can see it on TV. Joel and Maggie gave Gil a ride around the garden and then, with some very good friends, we made the annual pilgramage to see the bluebells. Wow! There is no way to describe that sight and smell. Gil had a pretty rough ride along a footpath silted up with leaf mold. It will be great when he has the Tramper and can drive himself places like that!
Sunday, April 18, 2004 4pm It's Ann. (Gil says I don't need to say that every time.) He also says Hi from the bed where he is stretched out to rest. It is very tiring for him to sit for extended lengths of time though his stamina for that is greatly improved since his first few days in a wheelchair. He still needs a good flake out with stretching every few hours.
I'm sorry we haven't written in so long. We have been pootling along, blowing our noses and coughing and flopping about feeling sorry for ourselves. Enough of that! Maggie and Claire and Joel have been here in various combinations over the last few days which has cheered us up enormously. (Matt would have been here had he not been busy on the rugby pitch being man of the match and getting black eyes.) Having cheerful company has given us a boost and the weather was much improved for a few days. (But not today; it's pretty steadily bucketing down out there.)
The work on the house is going remarkably well and quickly. It is now "in the dry" as our wonderful builder says. This is an important watershed in any building work; it means the roof is on! I have had some time to work in the garden over the last week and that makes me happy in my soul and makes me feel part of the alterations that will change our lives for the better.
Gil is daily doing something with paper and a pen. It is great to see him back at the work and to hear him muttering to himself. I don't even mind (too much) helping him look for lost papers, eyeglasses, etc.
Gil has had another refit of his sockets and his legs now feel pretty good again though a little more fiddling is needed and that has meant he cannot have them at home yet. He feels a bit rusty at the walking thing having not had proper use of his legs for about three weeks. It is, however, very important that the sockets fit perfectly so there is no wear and tear on his skin and so he can walk with as little discomfort as possible. He is determined to use his legs on a daily basis and if he is to do that they must fit properly. The prosthetists and physiotherapists are wonderful and we know that with their help Gil soon will be back up to speed. There is a warm community feeling at the prosthetics centre. Our usual appointment times overlap those of the same people each week and we have found good friends amongst the other amputees and their families.
Maggie has been doing lots of research for her film about Gil and the UN in Baghdad. As a result, she has come up with some more information about what happened at the Canal Hotel immediately after the blast. She interviewed Ralf Embro who was the sergeant in charge of some of the medics at the scene and through him she found the name of the guy who attended Gil while rescue was attempted. Andre Valentine was small enough to get down the shaft that was the only way to reach Gil. He spent several hours with Gil keeping him alive. He also had the unenviable task of amputating Gil's legs in the rubble in order to save his life. It seems Gil was awake and talking with Valentine throughout the ordeal though, mercifully, Gil cannot remember that. Then a couple of weeks ago Gil got a parcel in the post: his watch. Still running and set to Baghdad time. With it came a letter from a guy called Stephen Finnegan in which he said he hoped his talking to Gil and pouring water on his head had helped. So we know two more names of people who will forever be connected to Gil and whose constant help in the heat and darkness gave Gil a chance to pull through.
Sunday, April 4, 2004 7pm Hello. It's Ann again. It was almost Gil but he had had enough for today and passed me the baton. We have had a pretty discouraging week. Gil's legs have been out of commission and so he did not walk at all. He has to have new sockets made and they are proving to be difficult to fit. Aside from that we have both have had snotty noses and deep coughs. We get it every spring--whatever it is--but had hoped we might be given a year off. Bleah! Horrible! And the work on our house to make the adaptations necessary for Gil's independence are in full swing with the builders making amazing progress. It does, however, mean we have been turfed out and are dependent upon the kindness of wonderful friends and neighbours. Of course we cannot remember where anything is and spend a lot of time rooting around in piles of stuff under dust sheets in the upstairs of Southside or under the car seats. Brutal. But the clocks did get put forward and we do have longer evenings so that has cheered us up a bit.
As for last week, well that was pretty good. Gil was great at the British Academy and really enjoyed the stimulation of the conference. I joined him for a lecture and supper the night before his big day and we met and remet a number of warm and interesting people. Maggie stayed with him on the day of his lecture (my presence makes him nervous on these occasions) and she was able to film it. Gil and I learned how to take taxis with a wheelchair. Black taxis carry ramps in the boot and helpful drivers will off load and fit the ramps at the start and finish of the journey and roll Gil in and out of the back of the cab. Pretty nice.
And now it's raining AGAIN. Poo. See what I mean about this week?
Sunday, March 21, 2004 midnight It’s Ann writing tonight. I’m sorry no one wrote last Sunday. We’ve been pretty busy. Because our house needs some alterations in order to make it Gil-friendly, we have had to empty the ground floor and move out! I have found it all more than a little crazy-making but if all goes as anticipated, in about ten weeks we should have a house with a lift, a roll-in shower and new floors with level thresholds.
What would we do without the kindness of friends? Until a couple of days before we had to make the move I had no idea where all the stuff would go. Then up stepped our old next door neighbours and offered us storage and a van to take the stuff away. We didn’t want to take home apart until after Claire’s birthday celebration breakfast on Sunday so that meant there was a lot to do in a day but we had lots of helpers—friends and Matt, Joel and the girls. The building work was started on Thursday and by the end of the first day our builder (also a friend) had disappeared into the hole he had dug for the footings. While our house is uninhabitable we have very kindly been loaned houses by two lots of very good friends. And our old buddy Charlie-the-Cat is holding down the fort at Southside.
The place is lousy with daffodils and it is snowing plum petals from all the hedgerows but last week it snowed snow! Our old and very good friends visiting from South Bend Indiana (and with whom we had a wonderful time!) were not impressed by either the quality or quantity of the snow. It was, however, enough to keep Gil from getting to the Mary Marlborough Centre to walk in the morning.
Otherwise, walking has been going very well. Gil has been practicing putting his legs on and taking them off by himself at home. I am not yet prepared to be alone with him when he walks with free knees so he has only done that at home when others are around to help in case he falls. He continues to improve the strength of his shoulders and arms which allows him to get up from his wheelchair unaided by using his crutches and an enormous amount of determination.
Gil has been working very hard on a talk he will deliver at the British Academy on Tuesday. He is excited and nervous as this will be his first such speaking engagement since August 19th and he is anxious that he should do it well. Please think up thoughts for him Tuesday afternoon London time!
Sunday, March 7, 2004 8.15 pm It's Ann writing. The place is buzzing. It's Gil's 59th Birthday and we are well aware that we have a lot to celebrate. Maggie and Claire were in New York doing some filming and just came home specially for Gil's birthday. Matt and Joel are here too and we have had a great day with the usual cake, company and balloons over the table that go with such celebrations. Gil marked the occasion by walking at home for the first time with free knees and without a physiotherapist riding shotgun--Matt did that for him. The sun came out between wintry showers. Gil still can't figure out the best way to get trousers on with his legs so he walked in swimming trunks and the sun's warmth was welcome.
On Tuesday Gil and I drove to London where he had meetings at IISS and the Home Office. He is doing lots of work at home but sometimes he has to go to the Big Smoke.
Today Joel started packing books away into boxes in preparation for our move out of Southside while the builders are here making the alterations that will turn this house into a more Gil-friendly place.
While in NY Maggie interviewed one of the medics who helped with Gil's rescue and she brought home a great deal more information about the terrible hours immediately after the explosion at the UN in Baghdad. It was pretty harrowing reading but it is a time we feel we need to know about. Claire read about Gil's rescue aloud to us all tonight and though we wept over it, it heightened our joy at having him here for his 59th birthday.
Sunday, February 29, 2004 9pm It's Ann writing. Gil is helping but the cat has laid claim to his lap and there is no room for the computer.
Gil is very much back at work. In recent weeks he has attended an all day experts' meeting for ECRE in London, has written a feature for the Independent newspaper, was interviewed by telephone for a fellowship opportunity, has written two grant applications and this week coming will attend an advisory panel on country information for the UK Home Office. He feels he could do even more if he didn't have to spend so much time in rehabilitation. On the other hand he knows that that is what will help him do more of everything in the future.
On Tuesday last week Gil saw his hand surgeon for the first time since his discharge from the Radcliffe Infirmary. The surgeon had been away for several months and upon seeing Gil's hand after so long was amazed at how good it looks and how well it works. He had xrays taken and we were able to see how the hand had been reconstructed. He asked Gil what he can do and the list is so long that he then asked Gil what he can't do and Gil couldn't think of anything. The idea now is to give Gil the option of future surgeries to improve on what he can already do. Gil doesn't want to have anything done that will set him back with his walking and having surgery on his hand would do that. So Gil will wait and see--there's no hurry.
Gil missed walking on Friday. He had pulled a groin thingy (not a medical term) and it was thought best that he not walk. But he did have a hydrotherapy session in the hospital pool. Gil and two of his physiotherapists went for a paddle so Gil could get the sense of how his buoyancy has changed and learn some exercises he can do. It isn't easy to swim without the help of legs and Gil found that doing the forward crawl is pretty much a recipe for drowning. The back crawl, however, works better as far as he could tell in the tiny pool (only about two strokes long with Gil's wing spread). The only thing Gil didn't like at all about it was being winched into and out of the pool in a sling--not very dignified. Our local gym is similarly equipped but we'll give it a go anyway.
During the Monday walk Gil came closer than ever before to taking a tumble. If it hadn't been for his quick thinking physiotherapist he would have felt the floor's bite. And I guess it's no fun falling in above the knee prostheses. Not only is it a long way down but it's fast--when the knee goes, you're down--and your user friendly legs instantly change sides to become very hard things that hurt you. Gil promises me that he is going to fall sooner or later so I am always grateful at the end of every day when it hasn't happened yet.
Sunday, February 22, 2004 5:19 PM CST It's Ann again. Big Week for Walking! Gil's first day with flexing knees was Wednesday and I wrote about it on the site so if you haven't seen the last entry, take a look. It was very exciting. Thrusday was the 6 months' anniversary of the blast so we asked our friend to scan in 3 more photos. One is of Gil in Landstuhl on 20th August and two are on 20th February. We have lived everything in between and still cannot believe it is possible that Gil is here and so much himself again in so short a time. Thank you all for the important part you played. Without your love and encouragement we never could have made it.
Claire took Gil to walk on Friday and they came home from the prosthetics centre with more exciting news. One of Gil's knees squeaked--you could hear him coming. I've got a wheelbarrow like that. The prosthetist took the legs away for a good oiling and when he returned them he had a little surprise for Gil: He had installed new shins that make Gil 6' 2" tall! Gil says it is a little tricky getting used to the new length but he is determined to keep up the progress and if he does well again tomorrow morning he may get the go ahead to walk with flexing knees at home. Scary!
Short entry tonight. We have enjoyed visits from 5 sets of friends in 2 days and are pretty pooped.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004 8pm It's Ann writing. I know it's only Wednesday but I cannot wait until the weekend to put this news on the website. Today at the prosthetics centre Gil walked with bending knees. I know that might not sound like much but if walking with locked knees is like Sputnik then walking with bending knees is like a man on the moon! And Gil took to it very quickly. First he was allowed to try one bending knee and one straight one between the parallel bars. Then the bending one was locked and the locked one released and he did it again. The next step was two bending knees between the parallel bars. He moved smoothly, naturally. He stood upright easily and maneuvred the knees expertly after a little practice. The mechanical joints are not powered but use gravity and the placement of Gil's weight over them to work the four pivot points. Gil must lift his thigh to allow the foot to drop. Then he must give a bit of a kick to throw the foot upward as he moves forward and brings his weight onto the heel of the foot. At this point the knee straightens and engages but does not lock so he must be careful to keep his weight over it until he completes the same series of movements with the other leg and is ready to bring the first one through again. Magic! After all that work Gil still had plenty of energy and was itching to try the next step: two bending knees with crutches around the room! There was quite a crowd by this time; staff, fellow patients and their families. The physiotherapists explained that walking like this takes a lot of thought so everyone had to be quiet. (Flashback: Gallopin' Gil steps up to the foul line. The crowd goes quiet. He has to make this shot!) Gil had a physio on each side with fingers loosely holding his belt at the back. He placed his crutches and counted to three whereuopn he swung himself to standing. And he was off! Around the room once and then a lap of honour! (Swish!) Applause and cheers. On the way home Gil said he felt like he had been given his life back.
Sunday, February 15, 2004 5.30pm It's Ann writing. Maggie spent several days in Geneva this week interviewing people who had been at the UN in Baghdad. She came home with some interesting film footage. It is hard to take all at once and we will watch it in bits. Claire came home as usual and took Gil to walk on Friday. We had Maggie and Claire and Joel here for a Valentine's Day breakfast which Claire prepared. It was good fun.
It was a week of important medical appointments. Gil had his two-monthly appointment with the doctor who heads the prosthetics centre and everything is progressing well. He also had his follow-up appointment with people from the Intensive Care Unit at the John Radcliffe Hospital. They like to keep track of people who spent a lot of time in intensive care because there can be long-standing side effects from it. But Gil is fine and they say they don't need to see him again. He has some dreams but no recurrances of his halucinations and no breathing problems--these can result from protracted use of a ventilator or from a tracheostomy. Gil has lately been complaining about dimness of vision and the ICU doctor told him he has a very small cataract. It was great to see people from the ICU who looked after Gil so well. They had a very important role in the miracle that has kept Gil with us and we will be forever connected to them all. How can you say thank you to people like that?
We spent rather a lot of time this week trying to find a car to buy. It has to be one that Gil can transfer into easily and one that he will eventually be able to drive with hand controls so that means an automatic transmission. We thought we were narrowing the list down to a few possiblities when we realized that it also has to have enough room around the steering wheel for him to get in when wearing his prosthetic legs. So back we went to measure the cars with meter stick and tape measure only to discover that such measurements are impossible to take. We will have to install the legs and go visit all the cars again. Rats! We are also not sure what will be the best way for Gil to load the wheelchair when he is on his own with the car so in all honesty, we don't really know what we are looking for.
Yesterday something happened that pretty much eclipsed all that. On Friday Gil was allowed to bring his legs AND his crutches home. That meant he was allowed to walk at home and that is exactly what he did! It was great. He got himself up out of the wheelchair (a tricky move) and walked all through the downstairs. Maggie filmed the event and Claire, Joel and I hovered in case of mishap but were not needed. Then Gil negotiated the threshold to the outdoors and walked around on the deck for about twenty minutes. We were all in coats but he never felt the cold, strolling about in boxer shorts and a t-shirt.
Sunday, February 8, 2004 9.45pm It's Ann writing tonight. Gil is coaching from the sidelines.
Maggie and Claire took Gil to his walking appointment on Friday while I had a break. They reported that there were several patients there, all of whom know each other pretty well, and that a holiday atmosphere prevailed. Gil walked for a long time and was cheered on by his friends and he cheered each of them on in turn. At the end of the session the physiotherapists suggested that Gil take his legs home! They did not, however, supply him with crutches because the idea was that he should practice putting the legs on and transferring to the wheelchair and back to the bed. He did as they suggested but didn't stop there. He wheeled himself out onto the deck and said to me with a twinkle in his eye, "As long as I've got them on, I might as well see if I can stand up." One thing led to another and after just the smallest hesitation he was walking back and forth on the deck holding the handrail on one side and me on the other. It was wonderful! It was sunny and cold and great to be alive! The transfers were tricky because the sockets on the legs are pretty hard to get over the wheel but he did ok. We had to saw the footboard off his bed so he could scootch forward and hang his legs off the end once he had them on. The bed seems to have survived the chop. It hasn't fallen apart yet and looks better for it.
Gil continues to work rose hip and lavender oil into the scars on his right hand and they are loosening nicely. He can now touch his thumb to his index, middle and pinky fingers and the ring finger is well within the realm of possibility. His handshake is firm and his handwriting is getting better every day.
Gil can now turn onto his front with relative ease and it provides some real relief for his back which gets very tired with all the sitting. Over the past weeks whenever I gave him back rubs, tiny pieces of glass would work free from his skin and feel like grit under my hands. That hasn't happened in several days now and I am beginning to think that the stuff is finally gone from the skin of his back at least.
We have been trying to find a good secondhand car with an automatic transmission so it can be modified for Gil to drive. It is proving difficult to find. However, Gil did find a different sort of vehicle and he is determined to have it--a Tramper. It is an off-road electric cart especially designed for the disabled and Gil test drove one this week. A Tramper is allowed to go anywhere a person is allowed to walk and it can easily handle a one in four grade. Gil put it to the test here on the hill and it was great to see him far away, tootling round by himself.
Sunday, February 1, 2004 8pm Hello. It's Ann tonight. We did get some snow and we were back from Brussels in time to enjoy it for a few hours. The temperature rose and real storm was last night with terrific winds that kept us all awake. It is blowing again tonight but the barometer has not fallen as far or as fast as last night.
It has been quite a week. The walking is going very well. Gil has regained some of his body weight and so needed to have bigger sockets fitted to his legs. At the same time his prosthetist made him taller. He is now about 5'10" and may go as high as 6'. Gil says he feels his sense of balance is better the higher he goes. A new girdle of stretchy material will have replaced the stiff metal and leather one by the time he walks tomorrow. To see Gil walking with two crutches is amazing. On Tuesday he walked a figure of eight around the room at the prosthetics centre and made good long strides when he got into the rhythm of it. On Friday when the new sockets were being tested and adjusted he could not use the crutches but he confided in me that he made the practice more challenging by just letting his hands skim over the parallel bars. What a dare devil! Another great accomplishment on Friday was to put his jeans back on while seated in his wheelchair. He usually has to lie on a bed to do that.
Gil's right hand is doing better all the time. There is a greater range of movement and within that range the movement is easing. He no longer needs his special knife/fork utensil and can even manage soup like a gentleman. His handwriting is smaller and more legible which pleases him greatly. His typing is almost normal--he often hits the wrong key but he never was a touch typist--and that is very important to him as he has already begun the next book.
Gil and Maggie attended a lecture by the Director of Human Rights Watch at Chatham House on Monday. I drove Gil to London and Maggie and Claire met us there. Claire couldn't attend the lecture because she had a class so I kept her company for a while. It was fun finding the girls in St James Square and trading partners.
The best part of the week was the trip to Brussels. The European Parliament awarded Kofi Annan the Sakharov Prize for Freedom of Thought on behalf of the victims of the UN Baghdad bombing and their families. We were invited to attend the ceremony and so all four Loeschers went tripping off to Belgium on the Eurostar train. Gil and his carer (Maggie going out and Claire coming back) had to ride first class (poor things)because that is where there is room for a wheelchair. We were met at Brussles Midi station and taken to the Crowne Plaza hotel. We were very well looked after indeed. We met several Sakharov Prize Laureates, members of UN staff in Baghdad who had been injured and relatives of some of them who had died. We were generously hosted by members of the EU parliament and people from the UN. On Thursday we went to the Parliament where the President of the EU, Pat Cox, and Kofi Annan greeted each of us individually and shook our hands with a genuine warmth that did indeed make us feel they understood our loss. Before the presentation, Pat Cox introduced all the special guests attending and the parliament rose to their feet and gave each of them a standing ovation. Gil found this to be the most moving part of the day. The ceremony itself was moving and Kofi Annan's speech was about European immigration, refugees and asylum seekers--he quoted one of Gil's aritcles. We were struck by the simple dignity of the occasion and by the fact that everyone we met seemed deeply moved by such a brutal attack on the United Nations.
After the ceremony we spent some time looking at the photographs of the people who had died in the bombing. Gil's friend Arthur Helton was pictured as were the other people who had been in de Mello's office. Gil pointed to each of them and said, yes, I remember him or her and where they had been in the room. It was the first time we had been able to put faces and names to those who were so much less lucky than Gil.
Sunday, January 25, 2004 5pm Hello. It's Ann writing tonight. We are awaiting our first winter storm of the season. It was fine and cold today and though it is difficult to predict the weather on a little island in the Atlantic like Britain, we are ever hopeful the vague promises of snow mean us! With childish hopes of being snowbound and unable to get outdoors, we took advantage of the sunshine and ate our lunch all bundled up on the deck.
Gil walked free of the parallel bars for the first time on Wednesday. It was like watching a baby bird leave the nest! He has fledged! Once fledged baby birds never go back so let's hope it is that way for Gil and that he is well and truly on the loose. He used his new legs and two crutches to walk two big loops around the room. The physio and I had our fingers tucked loosely under the big belt across Gil's back that holds the legs on but we didn't have to help him balance at all. There is a tendency to lean way over forward and almost walk as if on all fours. Gil must remember to keep his butt tucked in and his chest and head upright. He does it very well. Needless to say it is very tiring so he had a good nap in the afternoon. And then he did the whole thing again on Friday. That time it was Maggie and Claire who went with him.
Gil's new wheelchair has had some tinkering with done to it and it is even better. I have made him a seat extension to the front which helps to support the ends of his legs. The bones are growing thicker--rather like cauliflower--at the ends and it hurts if they are unsupported.
It was a very social weekend for us and we enjoyed the company of a number of people, some of whom we haven't seen for over a decade. On Friday friends came from London for lunch and brought homemade marmalade and an amazing chocolate cake. That evening we had a special visitor--someone who also had been injured in the Baghdad blast. He and Gil talked for a long time about others who had been lost and injured. He showed us a very good documentary about it made for Dutch TV. Yesterday we had lunch with friends who came down from Warwick bringing another amazing chocolate cake (!) and tonight we will have supper with old friends from Oxford.
Gil's article has the lead in The World Today (RIIA magazine)that came out this weekend. It has a good photo of him with it but when we look at photos like that taken only a few weeks ago we realise how fast he is getting better and how far he has come.
The winter aconites are up in the garden--and the snowdrops. One of the nicest things about a new garden is watching for what appears--lots of surprises. Tomorrow we are supposed to go to London to meet up with Maggie so she and Gil can go to a lecture at Chatham House. Claire and I will meet after her morning class. But if it snows, cancel that. I'll get out the roasting pan (for my butt)and the cookie sheet (for my feet)and try the hill in our garden.
Sunday, January 18, 2004 8pm It's Ann again. Maggie and Claire are both in London this weekend doing life. It is great to see them getting back to normal pursuits. They still come home to help and have set up a schedule that allows me to be useful in other ways about two days a week. I've even gotten some time in the garden over the last week or so.
With Gil's progress comes new responsibilities: a third morning at the Mary Marlborough Centre where he goes for walking, wheelchair work and every conceivable kind of care and support. What a place! Gil walks every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning now and he is making great progress. (I know I say that a lot but it's true and very exciting!) Gil had been saying for quite some time that he wanted to be walking by the summer but he's upped the ante and the new deadline he has set himself is April. Good luck, old buddy! There was talk at Friday's session of trying two crutches and NO parallel bar before too long. As soon as Gil can do that, he can bring the legs home so he can practice putting them on and taking them off by himself--no walking (at home) without professional supervision as yet, however. The prosthetist gave Gil a lot of attention last week and is in the process of revamping aspects of the legs to better deal with the changes in Gil's gait as he gets more used to walking again.
The right hand is progressing well, too. Gil's physiotherapist had been away since before Christmas and when she saw Gil last week she was very impressed with how much closer he is to making a fist. His handshake has a good grip and he likes offering to people. Gil does lots of physio on the hand himself, massaging and forcefully bending the knuckles to loosen them. Maggie, Gil and I had a good game of catch the other night on the deck as it was getting dark at the end of a pretty cold and dank day. It cheered us all up to see how well Gil could catch and throw with his right.
It has been a big weekend for Gil. He attended two days of a three day conference at Ditchley Park, just north of Oxford. He had a great time meeting old friends and colleagues and new ones. I dropped him off on Friday afternoon and he was on his own. He got lots of help from the staff at Ditchley and managed very well. The Cinderella hour was set at 9.30. Claire and I were there on time but Gil did not emerge until 11.00 because he just couldn't drag himself away. I took him back again today for the morning session and later I joined the crowd for a wonderful lunch. It is a lovely house in acres of parkland that is beautiful even at this time of year. The conference broke up after lunch but Gil and I stayed on for a hour or so for a walk and roll along the roads through the grounds.
So, it's only 8 pm but we are pooped and it's walking again tomorrow!
Sunday, January 11, 2004 11.00pm It's Ann writing tonight. There may be another page for today with nothing written on it. Sorry--just the technopoop in me.
There is another photograph for you. Go to the Guestbook and click on view photo. It is a great one of Gil walking on his own prosthetic legs on 22 December. That's Maggie filming the event and Claire cheering him on. The new prosthetics are a bit tight and will need some tinkering with but the experts are on the case and over the next few weeks we are sure the fitting process will be completed. On Wednesday last week Gil made another giant step in the walking process. He used a crutch on one side and the parallel bar on the other. He got up from the wheelchair, too. Balancing with crutches is very different from using the parallel bars so it's one of each for a while. Gil seems to thrive on trying new things. Someone asked him today if he gets scared when he has to do something new. No, he said, I like the challenge. And because of Gil's progress, it has been suggested that he might walk three days a week instead of two.
Whenever I put one of Gil's medical appointments on the calendar I highlight it in pink. Slowly but surely there seem to be fewer pink days. We cannot say how much we appreciate everything the doctors, physiotherapists, nurses, occupational therapists and prosthetists do for Gil but it is nice to think that we will need them less and less.
Friday, January 2, 2004 11.30pm Hello All, it is Maggie with a slightly belated New Year’s message. It seems like a very long time since I last wrote a journal entry. Not only is it months, but in terms of the journey undertaken in those months, it seems like a lot longer.
Mum, Papa, Joel and I passed a quiet New Year’s Eve, visiting our neighbours through the wind and rain. Meanwhile Claire was dressed as Cruella de Ville and living it up at an arch-villains and super-heroes get together. On the first day of 2004 we went for a walk in the Cotswolds. It was unpleasant weather but we snuggled up with lots of clothing and ended up maneuvering the wheelchair down the steepest incline we’ve managed yet! It did take three of us and was particularly hair-raising as the road bottomed out at a deep stream. All remained dry and returned home safely for tea.
Come New Years Eve, Papa always looks at the old year’s calendar, turning each page and reflecting on the year gone by. He did the same this year and the passing of time seemed even more difficult to comprehend. We spent a while looking over the notes made for August. Mum missed an acupuncture appointment 2.30 on the 20th of August, Papa was due to return from Baghdad on the 26th. At some point since August Mum had added a small red star to the 19th and written ‘Baghdad bomb’. Papa joked, ‘That was very perceptive of her!’
As if to mark some kind of a new beginning, Papa received his lost briefcase today in the post. It had been found in the rubble and sent to us via Texas where it was thoroughly cleaned, each item placed in a separate plastic zip-lock bag, labeled and numbered. Even his business cards were counted. The briefcase seemed surprisingly unscathed. Or, as Papa put it, ‘the briefcase came back from Baghdad in considerably better shape than me!’ However, Mum found two small pieces of glass buried in the leather and pulled them out to add to our collection.
I’d like to think of this transition from 2003 into 2004 in terms of the briefcase from Baghdad. Something old, well used, well loved, returned from a place of anguish, newly polished, to be used once more, filled with notes and articles, carried into offices, seminars, conferences and refugee camps around the world. A reminder of how terrible things can be and proof that miracles and hard work are always possible.
The Loeschers wish you all a very happy, wise, and peaceful 2004.
Sunday, December 21, 2003 11.15 pm It's Ann tonight. The convergence of Gil's rehabilitation and Christmas is a little crazy-making but we've tried to stay calm! It's been a week of headcolds, Christmas cards and music. The headcold has been relentlessly working its way through the family. The Christmas cards fly at us from all over the world and there are Christmas emails as well. These more than compensate for the stuffy noses. We had a terrific visit from the Wootton Warblers singing group on Tuesday evening. We (I am a Warbler, too) sang till I thought this little house would fall down. Then, perching all over the furniture, we ate pot luck and then we sang some more. Great fun. And Gil and I went to a concert of Celtic music by the Moonrakers on Friday night in Holywell Music Rooms--what a beautiful little concert hall that is.
Gil's Newsnight interview was shown two days early (on Wednesday) taking us a bit by surprise but we thought it was very well done. I think Gil expected it to be more about the changing nature of humanitarian work in the new climate of violence against agencies like the UN and Red Cross but he was pleased, as were we all, with what was shown.
Gil had a particularly good walking session on Friday. The walking he did was much more fluid. It was really a walk rather than a series of steps. He went back and forth three times, sat down and then did it again. Tomorrow is supposed to be a big day. Gil is scheduled to get the first pair of legs made specifically to fit him.
We've had lots of visitors this week one of whom was someone we haven't seen for more than 15 years. Isn't growing old funny? Before he came Gil and I looked at each other and wondered if we would look to our old friend as much like ourselves as we feel. Our old friend certainly looked like himself.
We haven't given up on putting some photos on this website--we've just given up on doing it ourselves. So watch this space. We are hoping to get some help with it on Christmas Day.
Sometimes I take a few minutes to reread some of the site--our entries and your letters. Thank you for so much help with what we have had to do. You have told us we are strong and that has given us the strength to carry on.
At this time of year people everywhere are celebrating festivals of light. So whatever your way or reason, however tiny your light, pierce the darkness. Surely the cry for peace on earth transcends all religions.
Sunday, December 14, 2003 10.30 pm It's Ann tonight. We have had a busy week. Gil was measured for his own prosthetic legs which may be ready for him to try Tuesday. This first pair will make him about five feet seven and though he will walk stiff legged on them they will have knees which will bend in order to allow him to wear them in the wheelchair. He will leave the legs at the orthopaedic centre and only use them there until he has done a lot more practicing. It is one thing to use prosthetic legs between parallel bars that are fastened to the floor and quite another to use them with crutches that are not.
Gil was also fitted with a pressure glove for his right hand that is designed to compress the swelling out of the grafted flap. This along with daily physiotherapy will slowly help that hand become less stiff and so more useful. The glove, however, has proved to be too tight for Gil's thumb joint and he has had to stop using it until it can be reshaped. It is amazing what the occupational therapist can do with what looks like a bit of bra elastic! There is a large dose of ingenuity and no small amount of engineering that goes into what occupational therapists do.
But Friday was the biggest day of all. The BBC2 Newsnight gang came to do a filmed interview with Gil for this year's retrospective. So we had Gil and Jeremy Paxman at the kitchen table because the kitchen was the only room large enough to take the camera angles needed. I hustled the ugliest stuff out of sight and tidied the messiest corners. We also had the producer and three camera/sound people and slotted in amongst them were Maggie and her friend Amas filming the people who were filming. Claire tried to stay out of the way but was eventually drawn in by the activity. The place was throbbing.
Last night Gil and I launched ourselves into the holiday festivities by attending the City of Oxford Orchestra's annual Christmas concert in the Sheldonian. We really enjoyed it and sang with gusto when audience participation was required. Great stuff.
Sunday, December 7, 2003 8.15 pm It's Gil and Ann tonight. Gil has had quite a day--quite a week, in fact--so he is lying on the bed telling me what to type!
After Monday's record breaking walk I graduated to longer legs on Friday. I grew 6 inches! It seemed easier than with short legs and I felt more like myself. I not only walked one way, turned around and came back. I went back and forth several times with no help at all. I still have no knees but am assured that they will come in time. I am probably going to have a fitting for my first pair of personal prosthetic legs this week. My prosthetist witnessed my walking feat (no pun intended!) and complimented me by saying that very few people could do this after such a short rehabilitation.
Another great leap forward this week was my first time behind the wheel since August. I had a driving assessment which included driving a car with specially fitted hand controls around the car park at the hosiptal. I operated the accelerator/brake lever with my right hand and steered with my left using a knob attached to the rim of the steering wheel. I still have to have a periferal vision test before I can start driving lessons.
I brought home a new wheelchair on Friday which is much easier for me to maneuvre even on carpet. It is manual--no batteries-- but I am told this is the best kind to have for keeping fit and building upper body strength. Ann, Maggie, Claire and various kind friends supply the push when I am fed up! It still isn't the final fit and it will have to be changed significantly before it is really safe for my new weight distribution.
Maggie took me to a reception at Oxford's new Centre for Migration Studies. The hosts managed to get me up a short, steep flight of stairs on a lift contraption with tank-style tracks provided by the university. I am learning to put a lot of trust in these devices and in the people who operate them. It was good to see a number of old friends there and to exchange news about what has happened since last summer.
The article I wrote recently for www.opendemocracy.net appeared this week and it feels great to be a contributing opendemocrat once again. I plan to continue the series of commentaries on humanitarian issues which Arthur Helton and I initiated at opendemocracy a year ago.
Today was a gorgeous winter day--clear and cold. My dentist and his wife called by for coffee and he kindly geve me a check up and a cleaning. After that James came by to talk about future work we will do together. Then it was off to Blenheim Palace Park for a walk with friends. They supplied a picnic and all the push--even over cattle grids--so Ann could just swing her arms. And then another first: I went into their house for a cup of tea. This was the first time I was over the threshold into someone else's house since August. Very special!
This is Ann adding a message. For those of you who usually receive a Christmas card from us I am sorry to say that I think we will not get around to that this year. You can count on us for next year. But for this holiday season we will use this website for greetings to you all. Maggie is scanning photos onto a disc and she, Claire, Joel and Matt may know just enough techo stuff to put them on this site. I am a technological nincompoop (contraction: techno'poop)so hope those around me are talented enough to make it work.
Monday, December 1, 2003 10.30pm It's Ann again. I know I said once a week but I just have to tell you about today's wonderful walking! Somehow things just clicked for Gil today. He managed to get that right foot to swing just like the left one does. The physiotherapist just got out of his way and let him walk. I followed on behind with the wheelchair but wasn't needed. He met his old record of three lengths and had plenty to spare so the physio added a new challenge: How about the next time you get to the end turning around and coming back? Sure! And he did! And then he did it again! A total of seven lengths--more than twice his old record. Gil says its wasn't just being able to move his right leg well, nor was it just a matter of getting the balance right; it was also that in making the turns he found he can put his foot where he wants it to go that made him feel so good about it all today.
Sunday, November 30, 2003 9pm It's Ann tonight. The practice walking is going well. Each time Gil does it he goes further. He is having some trouble with his right shoulder which does not seems to have the range of movement the left one has. It took quite a beating and there is still some possibility of more schrapnel to come out of it. This problem with the right shoulder makes it difficult for Gil to get his weight off his right leg in order to move it forward.
We celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday. All the kids (Maggie, Joel, Claire and Matt)had to work or go to classes on The Day as it is not a holiday here so we postponed the festivities until Saturday. We had a great time with everyone mucking in to help get the dinner on the table. As is traditional in this household, Gil made the stuffing and it was as good as it has ever been. Because there were so many able bodied youths about Gil decided it was a good time to try to get up the stairs. He has missed the view from the window over his desk and was getting nervous about what might have become of all his papers (!) while he was out of sight of them. (My reassurances that they were all still there waiting to be sorted did not calm his fears that I had secretly 'tidied' them up.) Our staircase is a bit tricky being ten risers climbing seven feet with a ninety degree bend. So, a real challenge. Claire went above Gil and helped him pull himself up using his left hand. Matt went up below Gil allowing himself to be leaned upon. Maggie filmed the event. I counted 'Ready, steady, lift!' And up he went. The occupational therapists who came to see the house on Thursday suggested that Gil might try 'butt shuffling' to cover short distances and Gil proved himself to be very good at it as he scooted around the upstairs refamiliarizing himself with rooms he has not seen since August. Claire and Matt lifted him onto the bed and we all jumped on with him. The down moment came when Gil saw himself in the full length mirror as he butt shuffled across the bedroom. We have a real sense of there having been triumph in tragedy but we also know real saddness in the daily triumphs.
Friday, November 21, 2003 6 pm It's Gil today. Well, it will be three weeks tomorrow that I left the Radcliffe Infirmary and came home to stay. Last Tuesday was another anniversary; it was three months since the bomb. When I think of these things I realize how much progress I have made in such a short time but I do get very impatient at times. My mind seems to race ahead--it wants me to gallop while my body urges me slow down to a crawl at times.
This week I made it the full length of the parallel bars TWICE in the prosthetics centre where I am learning to walk. It is a physically very demanding task but I find it easier each time I do it. In a little over two weeks I have my first fitting for my own prostethic limbs and I want to be ready when they are ready.
Ever since the blast I have been having trouble with my hearing and today I got a hearing aid (gulp!). Ann and the girls are overjoyed even though they know they will have to be more careful about what they say about me from now on! I had forgotten what a noisy place the world is.
I went for acupuncture and massage which focused on my shoulders and arms. This is important because these have worked overtime in enabling me to make transfers to and from my wheelchair. I go every week for physiotherapy on my right hand. Ann works it every day and the swelling from the transplant is lessening significantly. I am also progressively getting more movement from my index and middle fingers. If you saw it now you would think it was stiff but you should have seen it in the beginning.
This was the first week during which I also got some concentrated work completed. My sidekick James Milner and I finished a draft of an article on protracted refugee situations and regional security which we hope will be published soon.
Ann and I have been talking about the website and we do want to keep it going for a while. However, at this stage of my recovery progress is pretty slow and we think it would be a good idea to make the entries on a weekly basis, so look for a new entry some time during the weekends. Thanks again for your continued support. I wish I could thank each and every one of you personally.
Sunday, November 16, 2003 8.30 pm It's Ann tonight. It's been a lovely day here with blue skies and good fresh air. We managed to get all four of us organized after lunch and went for what we have decided shall be called a "walk and roll"--we 3 girls walk and Gil rolls. As we all get used to walking with the wheelchair we are able to relax a little and chatter the way we always did on walks. It is fairly easy pushing here once we get to the top of the hill though I must confess I didn't actually push at all today. Maggie and Claire did it all but--hey--picking up prettily coloured leaves can be strenuous--if it is done properly! Because Gil had sat the whole way, when we got back home we made him lift weights while Maggie and I made tea and Claire hosed the dog poop off the chair wheels.
Gil's left thumb is mending well. When I first removed the dressing to change it there was a very clean pit that would just about have held a very small pea. Over the next couple of days it has slowly filled with lovely new finger flesh and when I look later tonight I expect it to be completely healed over. Wonderful--truly amazing what the human body is capable of.
Thursday, November 13, 2003 10.45 pm It's Ann again. Gil says he will contribute from his bed. (Last night he was too busy and tonight he's too tired!) In all fairness I must tell you he had a hard day. It wasn't supposed to be but it turned out that way. We went to the Infirmary for physio on his right hand but he mentioned the fact that his left thumb was giving him trouble--it has been swelling and reddening over the last few days--and before you could sneeze the doctor from Kilner Ward had come along to have a look. He deemed it well worth the effort of injecting it with a local and cutting it open. Gil who has been pretty uncomplaining for the most part did have to moan and I felt more than a little sick. The stuff of the infection will be cultured and I now have a real wound to look after. As for the right hand, we are making real if slow progress and the careful measurements made with something like a protractor registered a few degrees more bend on each joint with the pinkie and ring finger taking the lead.
I think I forgot to tell you about the nice luncheon Gil and I attended at Pembroke College to honour students graduating that day. One of Gil's former students from Kenya was receiving her PhD and we were invited to join the party. (We met a neighbour there who joined the party as well.) It was a very special occasion. The Porter made a special effort to find us parking and a level approach to the bottom of the dozen or so steps up to the dining hall. (Notice significant use of the word "bottom".) Because there is no lift at Pembroke, two willing student helpers from the kitchen carried Gil up the flight of steps. For the return journey they helped me slowly roll him back down. Gil appeared to be remarkably unrattled but admitted after the helpers had disappeared that it had been a white knuckle ride. Every day we learn more about how many things we want to do require special effort or equipment. So many previously insignificant bumps or steps are obstacles or hazards now. The shape of our world has changed.
Gil wants me to tell you about his outing yesterday. He and Claire went to the Oxford University Examination Schools to attend a lecture. There he found many friends and colleagues. The warmth of their welcome overwhelmed him and the ovation spontaneously offered by the 200 or so in attendance moved him to tears. After the lecture he and Claire went on to the reception from which they both returned smiling and full of anecdotes of old friends found again.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003 10.30 pm It's Ann tonight. It is my 61st birthday and we have had a very nice few days celebrating that. Tea party on Sunday with far fewer chairs than we needed but no one seemed to mind. Today in spite of something between heavy mist and light rain we took an in-car picnic to the Cotswolds and ate tuna sandwiches while the car windows fogged up.
Gil's schrapnel extraction on Friday went well but only after a rather long wait for his turn in theatre. This was the first time we were allowed to take the pieces of glass home with us. Pretty ugly stuff. There are three and the doctor promises there is more to come from the right thigh but it is all still too deep to be taken out. No doubt it will find its way closer to the surface over the coming months. Gil much prefers to have these operations done under local anaesthetic because it is much easier to recover from than a general one.
Gil is not writing this entry because he is too busy. Did you get that: TOO BUSY! He and sidekick James are already working on the next book. Aside from the cerebral stuff there is all the keep fit and rehab to be done daily. He works with weights, pushing them over his head while puffing and counting. He squeezes a foam rubber football between his legs and under them to build up the muscles he needs for walking. And then there is the physio on his right hand. This takes two forms. We must work the scar tissue to try to loosen it because tight soft tissue is one of the things that is making his hand stiff. Then we must work the joints, bending them hard to shift the bad goo and get the good goo going (all very techical and medical). I get a good hold, gripping above and below the joint and then bend it till my fingertips go white with the effort. Gil's part in this process is to stand it.
Gil has used the shower chair and he is very good at the transfer to it from the wheelchair and back again. We were warned by the occupational therapist that it could be tricky so the first time we were all standing by to help. Gil celebrated the wonderful feeling of hot water running over him for the first time in weeks and, using the hand held shower head, managed to get the hot water running over his (foolishly) fully clothed assistants and most of the bathroom as well.
Gil loves reading all the messages you post on this website and the emails you send him. He feels blessed to have so many people all over the world thinking of him.
Thursday, November 6, 2003 10.30 pm It's Ann tonight. Gil and I spent much of the day at the Nuffield Orthopedic Centre (NOC) today. Though we have been once before and have gotten to know some of the wonderful physio and occupational therapists there, today was Gil's first appointment with the doctor. It was a long interview with lots of attention given to what had happened and how Gil is managing. The doctor seems pleased with Gil's strength and determination as is everyone Gil has met throughout this process of recovery and rehabilitation.
What an enormous amount of care there is coming to all of us from everyone we meet in the NHS. It is a remarkable institution and we thank heaven for it every day. I hope we remember to say thank you to the people who deliver the care--we do try.
After the appointment with the doctor we dropped in on the physiotherapists in the room with the legs and they were happy to let Gil have another go at walking. He did very well again and got even closer to his goal of making it to the end of the long long alley between the red parallel bars. I took some photos today of the process but was not allowed to snap the girls rooting around in Gil's boxers--they were sorting things out to make Gil as comfortable as possible--honest! They asked how we were getting on with the present chair borrowed from the Radcliffe Infirmary. We had a bit of a moan about it and lo and behold there appeared a different one for us to try. It is red--Claire thinks it is rather racey--and has big wheels at the back which Gil can turn thus propelling himself. He can manage to do it even with his right hand and practiced turns in the generous space of the physio room before we packed it up to bring home. Now he whizzes around the kitchen and squeezes himself through the door to the livingroom and across the carpet. This chair is slightly wider than the first one so the bathroom door is once again somewhat tight. The chair will go through but only just and there is no room for hands so Gil must give a good push and then pull in his hands, elbows and shoulders and hope he makes it. Tricky.
More schrapnel out tomorrow so we are up at 6.00 in order to get to the hospital for 7.30. It isn't very far but it takes a lot longer to do things than it used to. Gil's transfers are better all the time--he can scooch from bed to wheelchair, wheelchair to car or wheelchair to easy chair pretty deftly but it still takes longer than just stepping around the place.
Tuesday, November 4, 2003 almost midnight It's Ann tonight. Writing the first message after Gil's, I feel a little like the vaudevillian who is on after the animal act--a hard one to follow! At one time we thought the website should end with Gil's own first entry but now think there will be enough more to tell to justify keeping it going a bit longer.
It's been all go since Gil came home. We are trying to organize this little house to take all the activity that goes on but it isn't easy. We hadn't put a lot of things away properly when we went tearing off to Landstuhl--we'd lived in this house less than two weeks. And now it is even more full of life with Gil's bed and all his paraphenalia in the livingroom. And with three of us taking it in turn to be head nurse there is lots of "where'd you put the...?" because we are unlikely to agree on the logical location for anything. But spirits remain high.
Gil does more and more for himself every day. He gets rolled into the bathroom and then is left to shave and brush his teeth--all left handed and he is not a natural southpaw. He has discovered he can write left handed too and practices that as well as writing with his right using a fist grip on the pen. Today he was alone at the kitchen table to do some telephoning and managed to get himself a drink of water without getting marooned in the middle of the kitchen floor. He rolls himself around in his chair using his long reach to pull against the furniture. It isn't a wheelchair designed to be moved by the occupant but he does it anyway.
But the best news of the week is that on Monday we all went to the Nuffield Orthopedic Centre where Gil had his first go at walking on prosthetic legs! Double above the knee amputees start out on very short legs--about 18 inches--in order to get the feeling of being upright again. Gil did very well indeed in spite of having less than full use of his right hand. The gear was pretty uncomfortable but with the help of very capable physiotherapists Gil had two goes and covered a couple of yards. It made him very tired and very happy.
Sunday, November 2, 2003 6pm It’s Gil tonight. Yes It is really me! I was discharged from the hospital on Saturday and have finally arrived back home. It is so nice to be here and to feel like a normal person again.
I was only able to read this website with all its wonderful entries last week. I was
very moved by all your messages. I am incredibly fortunate to have so many people rooting and praying for me. I am sure it has made a huge difference to my recovery. It has also put me in contact with students, colleagues, childhood and high school and college friends, and even family members I haven’t been in touch with for years. Thanks so much. It has given me such a boost.
Also I finally was able to read my family’s incredibly courageous diary entries for the first time. I wept when I finally fully realized what they all went through the past ten weeks. I owe my life to them and to the medical care I received along the way.
I still have a long road to travel but I am determined to return to a normal productive and happy life as soon as possible. I begin my prosthetic treatment this week and may have some more surgery on my right hand in the new year. So please keep sending your good thoughts and prayers this way in the coming months. And do continue to keep in touch. Your friendship, love and support mean more to me than you can possibly imagine.
Friday, October 31, 2003 6.00 pm It's Ann tonight. My brother Stephen and Big George have finished the deck and it is terrific! Gil will be able to roll right out there from the livingroom. It puts him in the garden and the view is spread out all around. We will be able to use it even in winter--if the sun comes out!--because of its protected position. My sister Margie should be reassured that though it sits atop the lovely stone wall she built for us in August it does not detract from it in any way. Both are gorgeous! Steve and George hit the ground running on Monday and when the rain forced them indoors they set to making the bathroom door wide enough for the wheelchair. It was the only door in the downstairs Gil couldn't get through and that could have presented problems! So now Steve and George are off to Dull Scotland. Dull is our surname so it is a bit of a pilgrimage. I hope it doesn't live up to its name.
Gil's overnight at home was wonderful and he managed pretty well with an ordinary bed. He found he can get himself into a balanced and upright position from lying flat without the help of a backrest and he got himself lying on his front for the first time. We celebrated the event with a super back rub. I think we are going to do ok here at home and with the help of the occupational and physio therapists I expect we will all thrive. Gil was due back in hospital late afternoon but opted for a few more hours out and supper at home. We were six squashed around the kitchen table with Maggie and Joel, Claire having gone back to London to do some work in the library at SOAS.
Today Gil had surgery to remove more schrapnel from his arm and face and while he was anaesthetised the team really worked his right hand very hard. They try to get maximum mobility out of the joints and that would be too painful for Gil to bear if he were conscious. He is pretty brave about it though, urging us to bend them as hard as we can and then grimacing dramatically. There had been a possibility the surgeon might work on his lips during this surgery in an effort to allow them to meet thus giving Gil better control when speaking and eating but apparently it was found to be a bigger job than anticipated and has been postponed. We don't mind. The smiles and kisses work very well and the speaking and eating ain't all that bad!
I'm about to take Gil what might well be our last supper in hospital for some time. I have mixed feelings about that. Of course it will be wonderful to have our lives be more normal and be at home together but we will miss the hospital in a way. It is a caring place--a place that forgives and understands and protects. With Gil in hospital we have known where to concentrate our efforts and we have known that cheerful and capable help was always close at hand. Leaving will be a right of passage.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003 10.30pm Hello All, its Maggie writing this evening. Everyone else is asleep. We are all very tired from the incredible developments in Gil's recovery. Although he has no legs, he is difficult to keep up with! Claire and I took Papa back to the hospital after having him home for dinner. He was feeling blue today so he thought he had better come home for a few hours. It is quite something him being able to do this whenever he feels like it. Wheelchair-friendly changes to the house are already underway with my uncle and his friend Big George (all the way from Connecticut) building a wooden deck around the backdoor for easy access to the garden. And Lindsey's father (all the way from the Peaks) making car parking access closer to the house.
This morning Gil made his first visit to the Orthopedic Center where he will be an outpatient receiving more physiotherapy and trying out prosthetic legs. His new physiotherapist at the centre was very impressed with Papa's stength and ability to move his legs. She intends to start Gil on short prosthetics as soon as Monday! Apparently Papa will begin on short legs and work his way up to using longer limbs. He continues his daily exercise regime religiously. Monday morning when Joel and I took him his breakfast, we both felt rather exhausted and weak while watching Papa lift weights at eight in the morning!
Amongst the good news here at home, was the horrific news of further devastating attacks at the Red Cross and several police stations in Baghdad yesterday. It has brought back vivid memories of that day, day number one, when we found out what had happened to Papa. I can't imagine beginning the journey we have just taken again...I can't imagine finding out today what we found out over two months ago. Or worse still, having no journey of recovery to begin, day one being the last. Our thoughts go with the victims, survivors and their families in ways I thought I would never experience. When will this horror end?
Sunday, October 26, 2003 11.30 pm It's Ann tonight. The time says 11.30 but that takes into account setting the clocks back an hour so my brain still thinks it's after midnight. Therefore this message may be short and feeble. Sorry.
Claire who wrote such a wonderful message last night had to be down in London today and she is very sorry to have missed all the goings on here. I wheeled Gil out of Kilner Ward shortly after breakfast and didn't take him back until after supper!
Maggie and Joel were here and it took all three of us to guide Gil in his chair down this end of Orchard Lane and push him up the other end. Then we walked about a mile before turning for home. It was a glorious day and we stuck red leaves in Gil's hat band as he admired everything from the clouds to the steaming heaps of horse droppings.
At home Gil visited the website for only the second time and today he managed to read all the messages you have posted there. He was moved to tears often and laughed out loud several times, too. He has not yet read all our entries but promises to do so over the next few days. Visiting the site has made him more aware of what all the people who care about him have been through over the last weeks and has given him important insights into the time he was unaware of what was happening to him and to all of us.
We ate supper in the kitchen as usual and especially missed Claire and Matt who would have completed the party.
We are having to make some changes to the house in order to make it more useful for Gil. He wants to be as independent as possible and there is no way he can do that with the place as it is. In an effort to start the process of change we have engaged an architect and she came by tonight with some drawings of ways we can put in a bathroom upstairs and a vertical lift that can take Gil up and down either in a wheelchair or on prosthetic limbs. (It seems that stairs are very tricky for people with two prosthetic legs especially with amputations above the knee.)
When I took Gil back to the hospital he was very tired. His bed was perfectly made up in smooth white sheets and it looked delicious. I wanted it for myself!
Sunday, October 26, 2003 12.30 AM CDT Hello, it's Claire writing tonight. Today was wonderful. Over the past few days Pa has passed all the tests- getting into the car, out of the car and into his chair etc. The physio said it was about time for him to see his home again.
And what a day he chose! Bright blue sky as a brilliant backdrop to fall colours. Just the kind of day Papa loves. Sun streams shone on us as we ambled around the garden admiring the view and talking about the deck possibilities.
We all felt overwhelmed at being there together after so long. Sitting down together for lunch Joel said "and to think they were talking about you being home in time for Christmas and here you are!" He thought for a moment- "or maybe they meant it would feel like Christmas when you finally got home." The day did have that air of excitement and joy, minus the tree!
Coffee and fried eggs were the order of the day and crowding around each other in the kitchen I realised how these times together will forever take on an added significance and happiness for me. It was times like this that I thought of in those moments when we seemed closest to losing Papa and I imagined them never being complete again. But it was complete for the first time again today- the first time of many.
Friday, October 24, 2003 10.30pm Hello All, Maggie writing again this evening. What a couple of days Papa has had! Yesterday he went to the movies, had coffee in a french bistro, tried his hand (his RIGHT HAND!) at a bit of writing and practicing his signature and decided to come home for a day next week. Today, more writing, work meetings, and a car journey and picnic (inside the car as it was so cold).
Mum and I drove both of the cars (ours and Joel's which we are very kindly lent at present) to the back door of the physiotherapy wing of the hospital and armed with various wooden boards and platforms waited for Gil to appear with the physio and the occupational therapists, Laura and Pam. He was bundled up against the cold and I think the low temperatures might have had something to do with how quickly and efficiently Papa managed to maneuvre himself from wheelchair to passenger seat of car number one (Joel's). All the wooden apparatus was not needed and a simple move of the trusty banana board was all that was involved from a helping hand. Papa did the rest of the work himself. The only obstacle seemed the possibility of bumping his head as he got in, but that has always been an obstacle for him everywhere small and low! It will take a little longer and perhaps a different kind of wheelchair to enable Papa to get into our car as it is quite a bit higher up. I have never been so pleased to drive Papa. We parked with a view of Port Meadow and admired the horses as we ate sandwiches.
To write (shakily but legibly) Gil holds the pen pressed between thumb and side of forefinger. It works well even considering his forefinger is missing an entire joint and many bone segments and is, therefore, pretty unbendable. He has started taking notes again!
When we talk to people at disability information places they tell us what bilateral amputees are and are not capable of and all the special devices they need. At first we took on everything they said religiously but now, after Papa has amazed all by his progress, we think we'd better wait to see what this particular bilateral amputee can do.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003 11pm Hello, Maggie writing tonight. It was a miserably cold and wet day here and I considered Papa particularly lucky spending it eating, reading the newspaper and lying in the jacuzzi. I spent a good part of the day with Papa, having missed his company while I was away. I took him his breakfast and stayed through to lunchtime when I nipped off to the market, picked up his favourite feast from John the olive man and we ate lunch together. I don't think I quite understood the full meaning of the social importance of meal times until our hospital visits came to revolve around food! Although we can't fault NHS care one bit, we're convinced our catering service has been a big aid in Papa's speedy recovery!
Having been away for five days, I am amazed by Papa's improvements, especially in his physical strength. He is really determined to do as much as possible unaided - and this is a lot. He can move himself around in the bed and push himself on to the chair. It is a little difficult for Mum, Claire and me to re-learn NOT to immediately lend a hand after many weeks of doing so much for Gil. In body and spirit he is certainly long on his way towards independence.
Gil had an x-ray on his hand this morning - just to make sure all is working well. The results will come through tomorrow. We have found a couple more wandering pieces of glass under his skin. The doctor tells us to make a "wish list" of all foreign bodies found and the next time Gil goes under they will remove them. That might not be for quite a while though. Today Papa has been very brave about forcing himself to wear the formidable hugging leg stockings for short periods of time. They seem unbearably uncomfortable. But like all the tasks he has been set he is determined to complete this one - everything and anything that will help him get better and get home.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003 6.00pm It's Ann again. Maggie is back from a film festival and Claire is at this moment on the train home from her classes at university in London. So we will all have supper with Gil tonight. It's bangers and mash and I am in charge. The kitchen is full of steam from boiling the potatoes.
Gil worked on his computer for a while today writing a letter. He did rather well with his left hand and banging the space bar with his right thumb. There is no phone connection for computers in the hospital so he has to get emails printed out from here by one of us. Also, it means he has not yet seen the website.
When the physiotherapist arrived to work with Gil this afternoon she was carrying something rather peculiar looking and I asked what it was. "Elasticated stockings for Gil," was her reply and she had a somewhat apologetic look about her. I have since talked to Gil and it seems they are an invention of the devil; horrible to wear. They squeeze and squash his legs and cut him in personal places. They are supposed to keep his legs from swelling and prepare them for prosthetic limbs. They look like something cat burglers pull over their faces and then wish they hadn't.
We have been told that Gil's continuing rehabilitation can be done on an outpatient basis. This means that he will be able to come home much sooner than first envisioned and go very frequently to the orthopaedic centre for physiotherapy on his hand and to prepare him for prosthetic limbs. Watch this space for a discharge date!
Monday, October 20, 2003 6.30 pm It's Ann tonight. The last few days have been very full ones. Yesterday we met friends for brunch at that French cafe again--scrambled eggs kept warm under slices of parma ham and vats of capucino. Yum. And several visitors in the afternoon.
Today Gil and I had a date to go to a film in the afternoon but the showing was cancelled and finding ourselves not too far from the Port Meadow we decided to have a nice walk in spite of the north wind. It was great for Gil being in a big open outdoor space for the first time in 2 months. (We remembered walks there with Peter and Ann.) He was wrapped in layers of garments--some of them mine. I had no need of them; pushing a wheelchair over rough terrain is a very warming activity. We got stuck in a gateway and had some huffing and puffing up over the humpbacked bridge and then I almost tipped him out in Little Clarendon Street. Thanks to a kind passing stranger we were rescued from that. And all this on top of a great physio session. (Gil used the gym at the hospital for the first time today.) When we got back to his room he complained of being tired. I had to remind him that he had been the pushee and if he wanted to know what tired was he should talk to the pusher!
Gil is getting really good at shifting himself up the bed and at moving himself from the bed to the wheelchair. He has learned to use a slippery wooden bridging board called a banana board. It is painted bright yellow and is kind of boomerang or banana shaped--very useful. It is funny to have something like that suddenly be very important in your life--something you would never have imagined knowing about. A banana board is not very pretty and under normal circumstances I would never give the thing house room but it has taught me the real meaning of there being beauty in function.
The sunset is over and it is dark now. Gil will be hungry soon--a small bag of cashews can't keep him happy for too long--so I'm off.
Saturday, October 18, 2003 6.00 pm It's Ann. Claire would like to be writing this but it is much more important that she and Matt make the supper. I will pass her comments on.
It was a big day for us all. Claire and Matt took Gil for a ride outdoors and they had coffee together in a posh French cafe in Little Clarendon Street. I met up with them afterward and Gil looked great riding along in his brown felt stetson and fuzzy sweater. It was a glorious day and I am sure the sunshine and fresh air did him lots of good. When we took him back to his room he was able to get back onto his bed with only a little help even though it was uphill. (He had been able to get downhill from his bed to the chair all by himself.) Claire says it is very encouraging it is to see how much Gil can do.
Gil does lots of things for himself now. As well as the teeth and shaving capers he applies his own moisturiser to donor sites and grafts and can move himself up the bed--try it without using your legs! He is very dedicated and thorough about doing the exercises the physiotherapist has given him and we loudly count the last sometimes painful repetitions together.
I have had a guy come look at the garden with a view to putting in ramps for Gil but it will be tricky because the garden slopes away from the house. I guess we will need to put our imaginations to work overtime on this one. It is important that Gil have access to the garden as he is taking a real interest in it.
Oooh! Roast chicken with roast potatoes, onions, carrots and parsnips! All looking good. When it is done the usual kitchen quick step will begin. We will side step each other serving up bowls of good stuff, putting plastic wrap over their tops, zipping them into the picnic box and driving as fast as is permitted to Gil. Then we will undo it all and dig in!
Friday, October 17, 2003 5.15 pm It's Ann today. Sorry about last night--no message. I tried but hadn't remembered properly the instructions Maggie gave me for getting on line with the borrowed computer. Much frustration past midnight and I gave up. Our computer is well again and so I am trying it out immediately instead of waiting until I get back from supper with Gil.
Gil's right hand is out of wraps and the stitches have been taken out. It looks a bit patched and raw in places but the surgeon sees it as a work of art. To us it is nothing short of a miracle. Gil says sometimes he catches himself trying to cover it so people won't see it but he doesn't want to feel that way about it. He works at it often doing the exercises the physiotherapist has given him. He is also working out with weights to start to strengthen his arms and shoulders. He can already move himself about in the bed quite a bit even without the use of his right hand. Yesterday I walked in when he and the physiotherapist were at work. Gil was sitting bolt upright on the bed, no support at his back and waving his arms about. This is an exercise to regain balance and he does it very well. He can now get himself into that position and gently relower himself to the bed again--no flopping.
This afternoon I had two occupational therapists at the house to look around and help me figure out what Gil will need when he comes home. This happy occasion looks like happening much sooner than Christmas (as previously predicted). Everything does not have to be perfect for him before he can come home, just doable. So this weekend Claire and Matt and I will set about changing the livingroom into a study/bedroom for Gil. In the long term there will have to be major changes made possibly including a vertical lift because even with prosthetic legs Gil will find going up and down stairs difficult and time consuming. The other thing that occured to me is that we will continue to get older and things he and I may be able to do for him now may not always be possible. Lots to think about.
I forget if I mentioned on the website that Gil has begun to develop an interest in gardening and is determined to have a Zen garden at the bottom of the veggie plot. It is an out of the way and quiet place so well suited to that. Gil has wanted a Zen corner since we went to Japan a few years ago. A neighbour split her potted bamboos last weekend and has given us some pretty spectacular off-cuts--one is about 15 feet high and must not be allowed out of the pot. Sounds scary!
Today Gil shaved himself with his new electric razor and he did a much better job than any of us girls has managed to do. Tomorrow he will try the electric toothbrush! His hair is growing in well and soon he will need to remember how to use a comb!
Gil was waxing lyrical about October and Hallowe'en the other day. He wonders if Peri remembers the Hallowe'en he and Gil spent hours in our cellar making a haunted house for the girls' Hallowe'en party. It was all the classic stuff: spaghetti brains and grape eyeballs in bowls and a homemade tape of howling and witchy laughter. From all reports it was indeed very scary. Maggie and Claire still remember it.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003 11.00 pm It's Ann writing tonight. We're having some nice autumn days now and Gil got a little sniff of one today. He had a wheelchair ride and for part of it he was parked briefly in the small courtyard outside his hospital window. He was also treated to a tour of the rest of the ward and some of the labyrinthine ground floor of the hospital. None of us Loescher gals was in attendance but the nurses and Gil seemed to enjoy the outting. His right hand is looking good and is healing well according to the surgeon. It cannot yet get wet so when I gave Gil a bath today--with jacuzzi!--we had to tie it to the control panel with a towel. Gil kind of floated in the current and I bailed the warm water over his head and shoulders. The graft on his right thigh is looking good and the donor site will come out of wraps tomorrow or Friday. All this progress has given us hope that Gil will be able to come home in a matter of weeks rather than months as originally thought. The estimate of coming home for Christmas seems to be way out if things keep going as well as they have done so far. The next surgery to his hand would be bone grafting to the index finger where bone is missing and this will be elective. Gil is prepared to wait and see how useful the hand is before deciding what to do about that. Gil had his ears syringed today and a piece of glass came out of his right ear. We had suspected all along that there was some sort of foreign body in there. He has noticed some improvement but may be fitted with an aid as he is considered borderline with regard to his hearing. That slight loss probably predated the explosion though it is hard to know that for sure. He tries to do a little work every day and is keeping busy reading and editing an article.
Monday, October 13, 2003 11.30 pm It's Ann again and on another friend's machine. I have sent our machine to be repaired and will just wander the neighbourhood using various computers until it comes home.
Gil was a little uncomfortable this weekend due to the operation to his right hand but the surgeon is very pleased with how the op went. The arm is in a blue foam sling again which Gil finds annoying but it is worth putting up with to keep the new graft from swelling. They also found a couple more pieces of glass embedded in Gil's shoulder and neck. One we are told was very big. The operation was to separate the fingers by cutting the original graft and then adding new skin where needed to make the flaps fit round the sides of the fingers. The new donor site on Gil's forearm is very small so I guess not much new skin was needed. There is still a gap in the bone of the index finger but Gil can decide at a later date whether he wants to have a bone transplant from his hip to fill it. The wires are out of most of the finger joints now and the surgeon managed to get quite a bit of movement in them while Gil was anaesthetised. With the help of the physiotherapist and some hard work, Gil will get quite a bit of movement in his hand and fingers. This, however, cannot start until the cast is off. The sling comes off tomorrow and the cast may too but no promises. In the mean time we must content ourselves with admiring the pinkness of the fingertips that poke out of the top of the hanging arm.
Gil likes feeling his hair grow. He checks it several times a day and wishes it would grow faster. It's doing pretty well considering he was shaved in Landstuhl.
Gil was given two very exciting things today: weights for building up his left arm--and the right one too before very long--and a wheelchair! It is a temporary one which he can use for the time being. It requires pushing and a queue is forming! As soon as the sling is off and the arm can be comfortably rested in Gil's lap, we're off! Out of the ward, down the corridor and as far into the great outdoors as we are allowed to go!
Friday, October 10, 2003 12.45 pm It's Ann today. I am writing thanks to a friend who has offered the use of her computer as ours has gone haywire. Last night's entry was in the works when it happened and it went something like this:
We've just come straggling up the lawn in the moonlight having taken Gil his supper. Four Loeschers and a good friend ate together in Gil's room and I am afraid there might have been a bit too much loud laughter for the rest of Kilner Ward.
Yesterday Gil and I had a long talk with the occupational therapist about what can be done at home to make life easier for Gil. As she talked about what Gil would need to use the car, the kitchen, the bathroom, etc, we became more and more aware of how many things Gil will find difficult. It is amazing how much we take for granted the way we move through our daily lives. Gil knows it will be hard but he keeps saying how lucky he is to be alive and to have a second chance.
I sat in the sunshine later yesterday enjoying what my Dad used to call a ten cent glass of beer and thinkning about what I could not do without--sight and memory. I don't reckon I'd be me without them. Gil is certainly himself in spite of what has happened and the work he has yet to do.
The physiotherapist tactfully suggested that Gil might like to start wearing some of his own clothes. She was having trouble keeping him decently covered during their sessions and suggested he might like to wear boxer shorts and a T shirt. Tonight Gil proudly reported that he had put on his own boxers. I asked him how he did that and he said, "I just kind of lifted my legs and scooted in!"
This afternoon Gil will have further surgery to his right hand to separate the fingers. He is looking forward to the outcome.
This site is being renovated somehow on Saturday. It will be unusable for about three hours but could be out of commission for up to three days so don't despair. We'll be back at it asap.
Tuesday, October 7, 2003 10.30 PM CDT Hi. It's Claire tonight. Today was a mixture of discomfort and relaxation for pa, starting with the removal of a wire from his left thumb which has been used to hold together the joint and encourage the bone to heal. This was very painful and according to Gil took some of the enjoyment- though not a lot- out of the jacuzzi bath he was treated to later. When I got to him he was squeaky clean but was running a temperature and felt a little off. This pretty much continued through the day though pain killers and paracetemol helped to ease the discomfort and lower his temp. The recipient site on his right leg is healing well; it was glued rather than stitched. The donor site continues to bleed but the staff who are used to skin graft operations aren't worried.
The roast chicken dinner we took him at about 7 really lifted his spirits and he said it was a high, happy end to a day with lows. We ate and talked together. I showed him my finger which I cut on the apple peeler and he said "ugh, Claire, that looks like it hurts!" with such sympathy. He is so brave.
Monday, October 6, 2003 5:35 PM CDT It's Ann tonight. Lots of rain and gales promised for tonight. That means the cat will sleep on my feet instead of spooking around the neighbourhood and waking me to come in at 4 o'clock.
Gil's special bed has pockets that fill and empty of air and keep him constantly on the move. It is supposed to help prevent pressure sores which plague people who spend a lot of time in bed. It is made of plastic and creaks and clicks as it expands and contracts. The overall effect is that of rain on the roof. And the motor hums, pauses and hums again. I don't see how he sleeps through it. He is still pretty deaf in his right ear so maybe he just rolls his head to the left.
Gil continues to make great progress physically. The physiotherapist is very pleased with his determination. She had him sitting on the side of the bed yesterday waving his arms about. The exercise is specifically designed to help with balance. This is something Gil is having to relearn because of the different way his weight is distributed now that his legs are gone. And of course it would be pretty unpleasant should he pitch forward with no foot to put out to stop himself falling. Today the physiotherapist showed me how to work the joints of his right hand to loosen them. I have been timid about doing it too vigorously as it seems a pretty brutal process but she insists the surgeon wants it done. The next hand surgery is planned for Friday and Gil is already looking forward to it. The stitches came out of his left leg today and he has been told to touch and rub it as much as possible as this will help him realise where the end acutally is and possibly fend off phantom pain. Gil says sometimes he can feel his feet on the floor or sticking out of the covers at the end of the bed (he hated that) but that there is no pain in them. I think he is still coming to grips with just how much of his legs are gone. The other day he said, 'Now, I have no knees, right?'
Gil is beginning to slot back into some of the work he was doing before he went to Baghdad and taking initial steps into things he had planned to start after getting home.
Saturday, October 4, 2003 11.15 pm It's Ann tonight. It is very autumnal here --clear skies, bright moon and maybe some ground frost in the dips.
Gil is still feeling the effects of yesterday's surgery. It was the first op for which he was awake before being put to sleep and awake again afterward. He didn't like it very much. Today for the first time in all of this he complained of being in pain. The donor site is pretty big and was bleeding quite a bit in the night and today. It must feel pretty much like having been flayed though it was described as feeling like a graze. I helped the nurse apply a pressure bandage which seemed to help. So far no signs of any problems at the site of the graft. He promises to be more himself tomorrow.
We had a tea party in Gil's room today--an early celebration of Joel's 28th birthday which is Wednesday. We hung balloons around the place and wanted to light candles on the cake but were afraid of setting off the smoke alarm. So Maggie and a friend went into the courtyard outside Gil's window with it in mind to light the candles out there for Joel to blow out through the window. It was pretty windy so they held the cake in the window for Matt to light one of the candles and then Joel huffed and puffed and blew it out. Lots of singing and laughter. And then the kids went home to make supper and Gil and I got all yawny in the quiet room. Later Claire and Matt brought Gil and me supper and a bottle of beer. Ah!
Friday, October 3, 2003 10.15 pm It's Ann tonight. I'm home alone. I just couldn't make the trip into the hospital tonight. Maggie and Claire kindly took Gil his supper and are presently giving the good night back rub and having the quiet conversation Gil likes before going to sleep. I needed some time just to sit and think--or not. I did catch myself staring at the washing machine watching my smalls go round in the suds.
The Radcilffe Infirmary is a nice, old, traditional kind of place and it is laid out in a rabbit warren of corridors and wards with rooms off. Gil is in one such room which is intimate (read: small) and old fashioned enough to make the modern medical equipment in it look out of place. The nurses' shoes squeak on the polished linoleum and the tea trolley comes by 3 times a day.
Gil went to theatre for more surgery today. He had skin grafts done to the injuries on his right thigh that are above the closure of the amputation. These had been very big and deep but they have spontaneously filled with a dark red granular tissue which is just what they were supposed to do. The surgeon says the proceedure went well and that now we have to hope the grafts adhere properly. Gil is to lay off doing his leg exercises on that side for a few days! The donor sites for these grafts are on the right side of his belly and will be quite sore for a while. After finishing the grafting the surgeons played hunt-the-shrapnel and won quite a few prizes: a small piece from below his right ear, a piece from his scalp, one from the palm of his right hand and two really big ones from his right shoulder. He is being given ear drops in his right ear for wax but I wonder if there is something slightly more sinister lurking there. It is a question that has arisen before.
Thursday, October 2, 2003 11 PM CDT Hello, it's CLaire tonight. We left gil in his restful dimly lit room about an hour ago. He looked peaceful. He had an eventful day with some visits which he really enjoyed and discussions with various doctors, physios and occupational therapists. The surgeon is very pleased with the movement pa is getting in his right hand and has scheduled some further surgery on it next week. He has had the stitches taken out of it. The trache has been removed and pa really sounds like himself- his voice is deep and though little bits of air escape from the hole left in his neck we all feel that this is a real step forward in that we can communicate all the time and he needs no further assistance with breathing. The nurses and phisio therapists encourage pa to eat whenever he can and though this is something that he really looked forward to in earlier days I think that the pressure to eat has taken some of the real joy out of it for him, but he struggles through! I told him maybe to skip the savoury stuff sometimes and just eat desserts and he thought he might be willing to give that a try. We'll take him some creme caramel tomorrow.
We try to give gil a back rub once or twice a day and this really helps him- he wonders why that isn't part of everyone's treatment! As we rub we often find new foreign bodies lodged in him- pieces of Baghdad is how i think of them. Some they will try to remove but a number will probably be in him forever.
Pa's spirits are so often high and never very low. His courage inspires me and drives us all on towards the next stage of rehabilitation which is already underway but will become more physical in the weeks to come.
Tuesday, September 30, 2003 10pm Hello All, it’s Maggie writing tonight. Gil had an eventful day. He moved from the Intensive Care Unit at the John Radcliffe to a private room in a ward at the Infirmary! He is very pleased with his new room. It has special windows that he can see out of, but through which he cannot be seen. He also has a view of a deciduous tree which is gradually changing colour. This pleases him greatly. To celebrate the move out of ICU we all ate home-made special fried rice in his new room. Claire is with him now, making him comfortable before his first real independent night. He no longer has one-to-one attention and we worry he might wake rather disorientated.
Many of Gil’s nurses and doctors said goodbye before we left. I think Papa felt pleased to be moving on and a little sad to leave behind the people who provided him with incredible care and attention during his waking-up weeks. Thanking them just didn’t seem enough. It seems quite remarkable that saving Gil’s life was just part of their job.
Accompanying Papa in his ambulance journey across town, I marveled again at what a long way he has come and how very lucky we are to still be the four Loeschers making the move out of the ICU. At many points along the way this seemed such a distant, even unfathomable, event. Sitting in the ambulance, stuck in rush hour traffic on a gray autumnal day in Oxford, Papa’s previous ambulance journeys seemed as if they belonged to another world – the helicopter from the UN compound to the military field hospital outside of Baghdad, the medivac flight from Iraq to the German base, the air ambulance from Landstuhl to the John Radcliffe. As I pondered this Papa gazed out the back windows of the ambulance and noticed the trees rushing past had started to change colour.
Monday, September 29, 2003 11.30 pm It's Ann and Claire tonight. Gil is still in the ICU while he waits for a bed to become available in the plastic surgery ward at the Radcliffe Infirmary. He has to have a private room there, too, because he still carries the bug in his lungs which, though it is not making him ill any more, can threaten the wellbeing of less robust patients. He is trying not to be impatient but he realizes how much he is looking forward to a change of venue. He will miss the care and kindness of the wonderful ICU nurses and doctors but progress means moving on. He has had the feeding tube removed. It went up his nose and down his throat into his stomach and he hated it. Now he has to take all his medication orally and does pretty well except for the potassium which is vile tasting. He has had his tracheostomy capped off and sounds much more like himself. There is a possibility the trache will be removed if no surgery is planned for this week. It is as yet unclear what the time table for surgeries is. When the physio- therapists came round for their daily visit they gave Gil a new challenge: Can you sit up on the edge of the bed? Yes, he could, with a little help from (his) friends. Every day he can do more and though he still looks very thin we are already seeing signs of improved muscle function. Claire and I left him tonight looking very much like himself sitting up in bed reading a book. What a lovely sight!
Sunday, September 28, 2003 11 pm It's Ann again tonight. I'm sorry we missed writing last night but it had been a long day and we more or less dropped in our tracks. Gil has now spent two consecutive nights and and three days breathing on his own and with the monitor switched off except for occasional checks of pulse, blood pressure and temperature. He is doing fine! Last night the City of Oxford Orchestra played a wonderful concert of Baroque masterpieces and they very kindly dedicated it to Gil and, more importantly, to the United Nations. We knew this was going to happen and Gil made me go home from the hospital, get into my best clothes and attend the concert. I am very glad I did. Afterward I went back to tell him all about it and he was very pleased.
Gil's missing bifocals have been found and he is really reading now. He was pretty miserable without them. He does have some problems holding the paper but is determined to sort it out.
Today the plastic surgeon who has worked on Gil's right hand came to see him. He unwrapped the hand and I saw it for the first time. It looks quite amazing. The graft is large but much less swollen than it was a week ago. It is th colour of normal skin right to the edges now. Because of the rather remarkable progress Gil is making, the surgeon has said he is to leave the splint off and start to wiggle the fingers paying special attention to the knuckles of the hand. We can massage it all over with moisturiser and the stitches can come out a few at a time over the next few days. Thrilling stuff! The site on Gil's forearm from which the graft was taken is also looking good though it looks purple and sore to me. Gil reports no pain anywhere in the hand. He will have it loosely wrapped during the night as he tends to wave it about in his sleep. The surgeon has suggested that, when Gil is moved this week to a ward, he may be moved to the plastic surgery ward in the old Radcliffe Infirmary in the centre of Oxford. I think the change of scene would do Gil good. It would mean that skin grafting is the only real work that is left to do before rehabilitation can begin.
Gil's appetite continues to improve. Yesterday's lunch request was for a peanut butter and jam sandwich! And he has had another wheelchair ride. Claire and Matt and Gil's nurse took Gil for a tour of the hospital with the nurse pointing out the sights as they rolled him past. He was genuinely interested for though it was not a splendid tour, it was a good deal more of life than he had seen in many weeks.
Years ago I gave my mother a very funny book called The Great Big Messy Book. It was a comical how-to book and one of the things it told you how to do was make a hooked rug. It mainly said: Make a loop. Make another loop. Make another loop. Make another loop. And so it went for pages. I fear this website might begin to sound a little like that. Now that Gil seems to have turned the corner it seems to me that we will have too little to report on a daily basis. Forgive us if we write less often and please do not feel we are deserting you. We are profoundly grateful to all of you for your input into this website. Just your opening it to read our news is good medicine and we like to read your messages as much as you like to read ours.
Friday, September 26/27 2003 JUST AFTER MIDNIGHT Ann writing. Another big day. I went to see Gil in the early morning and was told he had had a wakeful night. He was pretty tired and I reckoned on a day of rest. Later in the morning I had a recorded message on the phone and it was Gil! He had telephoned to ask when Maggie was going to get there with his tuna sandwich for lunch! (She was already on her way.) And that was only the beginning. He did so well sitting in the chair that the nurse decided to engage the wheels and took Gil for a tour of the ICU and a sniff of the real outdoors! I can't keep up with him! He has spent the whole day off the respirator and is attempting to do the same all night. At one point today all his wires and tubes (save the one to his stomach) were disconnected so I was able to give him a better bed bath. He seems to be thriving on these tastes of real life and with the introduction of real food his appetite has returned and his physical strength is improving. We love seeing him enjoying things and hope this progress will continue. He is still very thin and quite weak but looks more himself sitting upright in the big green chair.
Thursday, September 25, 2003 10.00 pm It's Ann writing tonight. I'm sorry we missed making an entry last night but we were all just too tired to do it. Gil's first day (Tuesday)using the speaking valve and breathing on his own went well (1.5 hours) but it only whetted his appetite for more. Yesterday (Wednesday) Gil was allowed 12 hours with the speaking valve and off the respirator AND he was allowed to sit up in a chair AND he was allowed to have sips of juice and of a homemade smoothie! He was very excited and made great strides but all these new activities meant he was very tired by the end of the day and because we were all excited with him and spent lots of time at the hospital, we were very tired too.
Gil is still weak and has lost a lot of weight so it was not surprising that today he was still quite tired. The nurse convinced him to do the breathing/talking thing in shorter doses with rests in between. As a trade off Gil was allowed some real food. Maggie and Claire took him a lunch of smoked trout, rice and grapes. We three took him a supper of rice and mild chicken curry. The amounts he can tolerate are still very small--just a couple of tablespoonsful--but he really enjoys the tastes, holding the food in his mouth and making appreciative noises. He can now hold a cup in his left hand and drink from it. He is supposed to take just sips but his thirst is 5 weeks old and he sometimes forgets not to drink long.
Gil has been offered the use of a page turner. It would be a useful device were it not for the fact that it can only turn pages the size of a tabloid or magazine. I do not think Gil will change the newspaper habits of a lifetime to accommodate the machine. He has been trying to do some reading but his current glasses were lost in Baghdad and no matter how many old pairs I dig out, none of them is quite right.
Today is our 32nd wedding anniversary and to celebrate Gil sent Claire and Maggie on a secret mission to buy chocolate ice cream and funny napkins. Then he had the nurse fit his speaking valve and put him in the chair so that when I arrived to visit we had a party. The bed was shoved to one side, Schubert was on the ghetto blaster and it was great sitting around like ourselves.
Maggie is with Gil tonight for the late visit. I will go in as usual tomorrow morning for 7 by which time Gil will have been awake for an hour. He likes the early morning company and if he has slept well, he will be ready to chat.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003 late Hello, it’s Maggie writing tonight. Mum is at the hospital with Gil. She has been there since early evening. Papa has had an up and down day. In the morning he was anxious to talk about the bomb again. Early mornings seem to inspire this reflective thought. He was able to use the special respirator attachment that allows him to actually speak! He is sounding like himself more each time he is able to use it. The more he asks about the explosion and the aftermath, the more he remembers. He has been conscious through horrifying experiences which are difficult to even imagine. Often he is fully aware that he has lost his legs and was talking to trauma surgeons today about getting fitted for prosthetic limbs soon. But sometimes he seems confused about his legs, thinking parts of them are there and parts are missing. We try to keep him in touch with his physical reality as often as we can, although it is emotionally heavy work.
In the afternoon, Papa was very much himself, discussing his injuries and the long recovery process. He was very realistic about the long struggle ahead and this got him down a bit. He also voiced his fears about world politics. I think he is feeling a little out of the loop having been asleep for five weeks. This is hard for a newspaper junky like Papa. He told us that what had happened was not only terrible for him but for the whole of the UN. He said how many wonderful people had been lost on August 19th.
In the later afternoon, just as my visit with him was ending, he fell deeply asleep. Claire went to see him an hour or so later and as she walked into his room he woke and was in a panicky state, trying to rip off all of his attachments and get out of bed. He was terribly confused, desperate to get somewhere else and wanted Claire to take him there. He was very upset that he had woken from a safe sleep to a reality which seemed so awful. This was, obviously, by Claire’s account, a very disturbing scene. But, I think all four of us know that it is perfectly acceptable and necessary for Papa to pass through these dark moments on his long and often confusing journey back to reality. It would be abnormal for him to be cheery and accepting all the time.
Monday, September 22, 2003 10.30 pm It's Ann writing tonight. Claire spent last night with Gil in the hospital and he was quite restless. He had been told the hand surgeon would be coming round today and he wanted to be sure he didn't miss seeing him. Consequently he woke several times to ask what time it was and whether the surgeon had been yet. Claire kept reassuring him and in the morning Gil had no recollection of having done anything other than getting a good night's sleep. Poor old Claire was a rag.
I went to the hospital about 9 and we three had a good visit with Gil alert and interested in talking about what had happened to him. He understandably gets quite emotional. About midday it was time for Gil to try some breathing time without the respirator but today there was a difference: he was fitted with a special trache valve that allowed him to talk. So for the first time in about 5 weeks we heard his voice. And he had a lot to say! He really enjoyed being able to communicate without it taking on the form of 20 questions. Finally the nurse had to suggest to him that he was getting tired and needed to just breathe. Later he talked again with Maggie and Claire.
The hand surgeon did come to see Gil but I wasn't there. Claire was and Gil was using the talking valve so was able to discuss his hopes about his hand and his eagerness to cooperate with physiotherapy etc. Gil finally got to look at his repaired hand and to see for himself that he really does have all his fingers.
Sunday, September 21, 2003 10.30 pm It's Ann writing tonight. Gil and Maggie both had good sleeps last night. For Gil it was the first full night's unaided sleep and he awoke full of talk. He wanted to know about what had happened in Baghdad and he wanted to tell Maggie what he remembered. Using gestures, hoarse whispers and facial expressions he told her how in an instant everything changed. He has been particularly concerned about his right hand and it turns out he saw a piece of metal slice the back off it. He said it was "all gone" and cried. He expressed his terror at the floor falling away and the ceiling coming down. He asked Maggie about Arthur Helton and Sergio de Mello and wept long and bitterly when she told him what he probably already knew; that both of them had died. Later he wanted to tell Claire and me about these things and we told him what we knew. He thinks he remembers Frank Grillo and some parts of the rescue. We know that this is only the beginning of Gil's mental healing but we also know that tears are as essential to joy as laughter is.
Today Gil made a big step. He spent over an hour breathing unaided. The respirator and a nurse were standing by in case he got into trouble but his breathing was strong and steady. Getting off the respirator completely is something to be aspired to because it means he could go to a ward and that is one step closer to going home. Gil also had the thick plastic feeding tube that goes in through his nose to his stomach changed for a much finer and more comfortable one.
Gil likes to have serious conversations sometimes and it can be pretty difficult to follow what he is trying to say. He is getting much better at speaking so we can read his lips. There is an alphabet board but he seems to think is is rather demeaning and gets impatient with how long it takes to spell anything out. When the doctor came round today he made a point of speaking directly with Gil and though the doctors and nurses always talk to Gil and tell him what they are doing it was not until today that Gil was able to really ask the questions he felt were pressing.
Saturday, September 20, 2003 11.59 pm It's Ann writing tonight and very briefly. Because Gil gets anxious in the night I slept at the ICU last night. Gil had a busy night what with rolling, washing and changing dressings. This morning I came away about nine and did not get to see him again until about 12 hours later. He had lots to do today including changing the main IV line which took a long time. We still have to put on plastic aprons and rubber gloves to go into Gil's room because of his lung bug (so we don't spread it to the rest of the ICU) but he has been doing well enough to have his respirator turned down by half--a good sign that he is holding his own against the microbe. Claire and Maggie saw Gil during the day and report he was very sleepy. Later on he was more awake and quite funny. Claire and I just left him about 11.30 to come home to sleep and Maggie took over the reclining chair provided for night visits. She will attempt to fill his wakeful hours by reading him the newspaper. If he gets anxious, she will be able to calm him again. That is the point of staying overnight; to keep the anxiety at bay. Sorry to be so brief and basic but I am really tired!
Saturday, September 20, 2003 11.59 pm It's Ann writing tonight and very briefly. Because Gil gets anxious in the night I slept at the ICU last night. Gil had a busy night what with rolling, washing and changing dressings. This morning I came away about nine and did not get to see him again until about 12 hours later. He had lots to do today including changing the main IV line which took a long time. We still have to put on plastic aprons and rubber gloves to go into Gil's room because of his lung bug (so we don't spread it to the rest of the ICU) but he has been doing well enough to have his respirator turned down by half--a good sign that he is holding his own against the microbe. Claire and Maggie saw Gil during the day and report he was very sleepy. Later on he was more awake and quite funny. Claire and I just left him about 11.30 to come home to sleep and Maggie took over the reclining chair provided for night visits. She will attempt to fill his wakeful hours by reading him the newspaper. If he gets anxious, she will be able to calm him again. That is the point of staying overnight; to keep the anxiety at bay. Sorry to be so brief and basic but I am really tired!
Friday, September 19, 2003 10.30pm Hello, Maggie writing tonight. Mum has decided to spend the night at the hospital. Papa seems to worry and feel disorientated most at night and this can sometimes lead to a racing heart episode. We have decided to take turns spending nights at the hospital so as to be on call if a panic sets in. Today we asked him if he would like someone to stay nearby during the night and he nodded, adding a concern for our own well-being. He seems increasingly concerned that we all eat at meal times and sleep at night. This is often propelled by his own desire to go home and eat dinner with us. This evening when I was with him he was quite adamant that he was well enough to go home. He really struggled to get up off the bed and resorted to pleading with me to take him home. This was painfully upsetting to watch and answer. Particularly as we want to bring him home so badly. Sometimes he must think we are bonkers keeping him in hospital when he feels perfectly fine and hungry for dinner.
Approaching night is the difficult time for Gil. I think he feels as if a day has gone by and he has achieved nothing. (He has a strong work ethic.) The day is always brighter and today Papa seemed really with it. We read him the newspaper and some cards sent by friends, both of which he understood and appreciated. He is trying very hard to speak, but because of his chest infection this will be tough for a while yet. Gil underwent no operations today, but did have an couple of substantial pieces of glass pulled out of his neck and temple under local anaesthetic. The doctor showed him the biggest piece (the size of three peas or so) and Gil was most impressed! Let's hope he is sleeping peacefully and deeply right now.
Thursday/Friday September 18/19, 2003 12.30am It’s Ann tonight. They have identified the bug causing Gil's chest infection and have targeted it with the appropriate antibiotic.
Gil had a busy day. As well as two sessions with the physiotherapists he had his trache tube changed. The rigid, large diameter tube that was put in at Landstuhl has been replaced by a smaller, more flexible one. The good thing about the new one is that when Gil’s swallow mechanism passes muster he can learn to talk with it. The physiotherapists are teaching him how to exercise his thighs and he seems to take it quite seriously as he spends a minute or two every so often to lift them or move them from side to side. He is on little or no sedative but still has a pretty hefty dose of morphine. He says he has no pain but he does have periods of real confusion and anxiety. It is upsetting to see. Tonight he was adamant that he had to get up and go to California. Apparently this is typical of people on morphine.
Claire, Maggie and I spent quite a bit of time with Gil after all the procedures were over. We had put his glasses on him yesterday for the first time and today he asked for them. He likes to inspect his left thumb as this is the only injury he can see properly. He tries to speak and can make himself understood if he doesn’t rush the words. Most of the time we try to guess what he might want and he can nod or shake his head. He also has some grand gestures with his left hand like shrugging and sweeping it about that have meaning in the moment. Today Claire asked him if he wanted some music (nods). Schubert or Mozart? Lyrical sweep of left arm as he mouths Mozart and smiles at his own joke. We laughed and he did a little conducting as an encore.
With greater consciousness has come a real desire to get out of hospital and on with life. Late this afternoon when we were all with him I said I thought I should go home to start the supper and that Claire and Maggie would follow on in a little while. He moved his left hand and arm as if to gather us round. He made sure the nurse was out of his line of vision. As a matter of course we lean in when he is trying to speak to us. So there we were in a conspiratorial little huddle and he says, “I want us all to go home together.”
Thursday/Friday September 18/19, 2003 12.30am It’s Ann tonight. They have identified the bug causing Gil's chest infection and have targeted it with the appropriate antibiotic.
Gil had a busy day. As well as two sessions with the physiotherapists he had his trache tube changed. The rigid, large diameter tube that was put in at Landstuhl has been replaced by a smaller, more flexible one. The good thing about the new one is that when Gil’s swallow mechanism passes muster he can learn to talk with it. The physiotherapists are teaching him how to exercise his thighs and he seems to take it quite seriously as he spends a minute or two every so often to lift them or move them from side to side. He is on little or no sedative but still has a pretty hefty dose of morphine. He says he has no pain but he does have periods of real confusion and anxiety. It is upsetting to see. Tonight he was adamant that he had to get up and go to California. Apparently this is typical of people on morphine.
Claire, Maggie and I spent quite a bit of time with Gil after all the procedures were over. We had put his glasses on him yesterday for the first time and today he asked for them. He likes to inspect his left thumb as this is the only injury he can see properly. He tries to speak and can make himself understood if he doesn’t rush the words. Most of the time we try to guess what he might want and he can nod or shake his head. He also has some grand gestures with his left hand like shrugging and sweeping it about that have meaning in the moment. Today Claire asked him if he wanted some music (nods). Schubert or Mozart? Lyrical sweep of left arm as he mouths Mozart and smiles at his own joke. We laughed and he did a little conducting as an encore.
With greater consciousness has come a real desire to get out of hospital and on with life. Late this afternoon when we were all with him I said I thought I should go home to start the supper and that Claire and Maggie would follow on in a little while. He moved his left hand and arm as if to gather us round. He made sure the nurse was out of his line of vision. As a matter of course we lean in when he is trying to speak to us. So there we were in a conspiratorial little huddle and he says, “I want us all to go home together.”
Wednesday, September 17, 2003 late Hello All, Maggie writing tonight. Papa is very much as he was yesterday – awake, smiling, trying to talk, with sad and confusing moments. Most of his words are inaudible. Apparently patients with tracheostomies feel as if they are talking and can even hear themselves speak, but are inaudible to any listener. Papa gets frustrated with not being understood and we explain that in time he will speak and we will hear him. He has managed to voice a few words today and took the physiotherapist by great surprise when she asked how he was and he responded with words! Some of the things he said didn’t make too much sense but that is the morphine he is on. He has to be reminded of things very frequently. He did make himself clear when insisting that he had to get out of the hospital and back to work as soon as possible! It was heartwarming to see glimpses of his true nature, but very upsetting to tell him he had a lot more hospital recovery time ahead. It was really difficult to refuse him when he asked for fresh fruit and a cold drink.
This evening the nurse told Ann that a serious chest infection has been found in Gil. They are growing the bacteria and testing it on various antibiotics and will probably know more about it in 24 hours or so. Until then they are treating it with all the big antibiotics to keep it at bay. The main concern with a chest infection of this size is the possible weakening effect it may have on Papa’s heart. An ECG was taken today to see how his heart is coping. It was confirmed that Papa did suffer a minor heart attack probably when he was being rescued in Baghdad because he was straining so for each breath. They don’t think this will have any long term effects on his health, but it does mean that some heart tissue has died which does concern us greatly, even if the doctors seem to take it rather lightly. The present hurdle is the chest infection. We have known from the beginning this will be no easy road, but the ups and downs are harrowing for all of us.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003 11,00 pm It's Ann tonight. Maggie has cooked us a wonderful Indian meal and she is pooped. Claire is doing some reading for her Masters course that begins at the end of the month. Four weeks ago today was the bombing. We cannot believe it was that long ago. Gil had surgery today. They looked particularly at his right hand and were pleased. I quote: It looks "very good" and was "better than (they) anticipated"! That sounds like an A to me--and there's no grade inflation in the NHS. The stitches can come out of the left leg soon and the right leg is looking good, too, but is not yet closed. After the surgery Gil's lungs were a bit congested but they are working on that tonight. We all went in to see him after he came back from theatre but stayed only a little while because he was very sleepy. In fact, all our visits were cut short today for that reason. He wakes suddenly and looks around but if there is no one to smile at he quickly falls back to sleep. During the time I was with him this evening two nurses other than his own stopped by his bedside and promised to come back later to help roll him for his bath. Two of the nurses are from the Philippines and one is from Zimbabwe. They all seem to know what kind of work Gil does and they like him a lot. He has a ready smile for them all. We look forward to the time when the morphine can be withdrawn but that is some way off yet. I am sorry this is such a short entry but I think we are all ready to follow Gil's example and get some sleep. Woe be unto anyone who wakes me up to try to give me a bed bath.
Monday, September 15, 2003 10.00 pm It’s Ann and Claire tonight. Gil has had another wakeful day and we see the enormous efforts he is making to communicate. The tracheostomy makes it difficult if not impossible to talk but he does try. We try hard too to understand what he is wanting to say. He has moved rooms again and has a window to the outdoors that he will really enjoy when he realizes what it is and has his glasses on. Gil continues to smile and even has had a joke or two with us. He listens as attentively as he can when the nurses and doctors talk about him and he smiles at them and nods his willingness to cooperate when they tell him what they are going to do. The morphine means that he is still pretty unfocused but he is trying very hard. Tonight when we went to see him he was enjoying real sleep and so we crept out and came home.
Sunday, September 14, 2003 late Hello All, Maggie writing tonight. Papa had a good, restful night and a very lively day. The three of us went to see him in the morning and were amazed to find him straining to sit up, waving his left arm around (they have now released it from the sling), and with his eyes open, looking around the room. He was very pleased to see us. We thought it best if we went into his room separately so as not to over excite him. We took turns visiting throughout the day and Gil was with constant company. Unlike yesterday and Friday, our company seemed beneficial and the nurses were not worried about us being there. I use the word ‘visiting’ because that is what it is now. It feels much more like actually spending time with Gil. He understands everything we and the nurses tell him. He responds with a variety of head, arm and face movements. We can clearly recognize “yes”, “no”, “of course”, “I understand”, “maybe”, “I’ll think about it”, “haven’t you told me that several times already?”. He tries to mouth words and becomes frustrated when he is unable to speak around tracheostomy. We explain and he understands. He was very pleased to be offered Mozart to replace the background beeping and hissing and buzzing of the ICU soundscape.
It seems that part of his brain is fully aware of where he is, how long he has been there and what has happened. He also seems to know that he has lost his legs. He often reaches down and touches them. But part of his brain coexists being completely confused and shell-shocked. He drifts between these two realities, sometimes falling asleep and waking with a start. We tell him that if he sees or hears strange things they are caused by the morphine and not to worry. Part of him seems to understand this. Actually the understanding part seems to understand everything so well it is almost uncanny. He is always nodding with great dignity and confidence.
The drugs and recognition that he is alive send him into an euphoric state. The nurses are amazed at how much he smiles when he must be in such pain. I can’t really explain what it feels like to hold his hand and have him squeeze it back and smile at me. There are not the words. Being in his company is like an emotional roller coaster ride. It is very difficult telling him about his injuries when he obviously wants to hear about them.
But the twilight time between wakefulness and sedation is scary for Gil. This evening he experienced another heart racing episode. They immediately did an ECG and found that he is suffering from fluttering of the upper atriums of his heart. The doctors are not very worried about this and have seen it frequently in patients who are in semi-consciousness. However, it worries us greatly. After a very uplifting day, the heart fluttering episode was a shock and we are going to bed drained and anxious to find him well again tomorrow. A recent telephone call to the ICU has found his heart rate down to an acceptable level. Slow release drugs have been administered to allow his heart to slow down. Hopefully he will sleep well tonight. He definitely deserves it.
Saturday, September 13, 2003 10.00 pm It's Ann writing tonight. We did not spend much time with Gil today. They have been trying to withdraw the sedatives and it has been a rocky ride for Gil. There is no medical reason to have him sedated now and it is important for the drugs to be withdrawn if possible. Gil becomes agitated when he wakes and his heart rate and blood pressure rise. It is better for him to have as calm an environment as possible during this difficult period so we decided to give him peace and quiet. Maggie went to sit by him in the late afternoon and by that time the old sedative had been replaced by a different, shorter lasting one. Gil now has his eyes open a good deal of the time and looks more awake. He looked at Maggie, smiled and nodded when she said everything is ok now. Later Claire and I went to see him and he did the same for Claire. I could not keep my eyes off the monitor that shows his heart's ectopic beats so I couldn't stay long enough to get a smile or a nod but I am happy to wait. I showed him my face so he would know I was there but was happy to take the nurse's advice and go home until tomorrow morning. She wanted to dim the lights and let him sleep. She says it is important to reestablish diurnal rhythms of sleep and wakefulness during this period of regaining consciousness. It was lovely to see both his eyes open and to know that his breathing is unaided. Both these are big steps toward recovery. While Claire was with him the doctor for tonight (a senior cardiologist I am pleased to say) put his head in the door and said Gil is incredibly strong to have come through his ordeal as well as he has. He wanted to know what Gil did to keep fit. He had heard of Gil's prowess on the basketball court and Claire assured him that even she and Maggie together cannot beat the Big Guy at hoops.
Please keep the prayers and strong thoughts coming. We all know it is making a difference to Gil and to us. Many thanks to you all for your continuing support.
Friday, September 12, 2003 11.55 PM It's Ann tonight. It is very late and I will ask you to forgive me if I am brief. Claire and I went to see Gil early today because we thought he would be going to surgery later. However, the surgery has been postponed. Instead this was to be a more difficult day for Gil. He had his sedation withdrawn in an attempt to wake him up. Even by the time Claire and I had arrived he was surfacing and seemed disoriented and distressed. His pulse rate and blood pressure were elevated. He didn't open his eyes much but did respond to our voices by turning his head. We talked to him and rubbed his head in hopes of calming him down. In actual fact I think we may have added to his anxiety. About midday we took the advice of the nurse and decided to go home, giving Gil some time on his own with his thoughts and nightmares. The two have become intertwined after 3 weeks of sedation and it is helpful to separate them but it may still be too soon for that.
The hospital had ordered Gil a new bed that will help him recover some muscle tone by moving him about. It arrived today and transferring him to the new bed and giving him a bath took up a lot of Maggie's visiting time with him. She came home frustrated but went back later and had a good visit. She was able to report that though the nurses had been worried about Gil earlier in the day (we did pick up on that and it made us wobbly) he had calmed down and finished up having made significant progress. We were overjoyed at this nugget of good news and our anxieties were forgotton. We were able to relax and have a little celebration for Claire's boyfriend Matt whose birthday it is. It felt good to feel good.
We read your messages as faithfully as you read these pages. It is an important part of our day and we look forward to the time we can share all of the site with Gil. But please forgive us if we do not write every day. We will write whenever there is anything significant to report but the protracted nature of recovery from the kind of trauma Gil has suffered means that there will be lots of days when there is just a little progress and nothing much changes. On those days we may not write an entry. Do not worry. We will always keep you informed of developments--but maybe not every day. Thanks for understanding.
Thursday, September 11, 2003 Hello, Maggie here. I will begin by clearing up a little confusion about yesterday’s entry. When Mum wrote that Gil reads the paper and watches the news everyday without fail, she meant that is what he was accustomed to doing in the past, not that he is doing any of that yet! But we all look forward to the day when he will be doing it again.
Papa has had another day of rest. Tomorrow he will be undergoing an operation to partially close the right leg. This will only be done if no further signs of infection are found. Last night the nurse reduced his sedation considerably and Papa seemed in pain. His breathing was laboured and he seemed panicked. The nurse decided to increase sedation a little throughout the night. It is tricky getting the ‘waking up’ to happen at the right time. We are hoping the operation tomorrow will help reduce his pain and then waking up will be easier for him.
I went to see Gil this morning. He was quite sleepy, with periods of restlessness. I tried reading to him again – the doctor suggested it might help even after I told him of Papa’s decidedly negative response to my reading in Germany! We’ve moved on to American classics – I read Papa’s boyhood copy of Cannery Row to him. Generally I think talking to him is better. We do a lot of reassuring and, with the amnesia caused by the morphine, a lot of repetition. Maybe a lot of the reassuring we are also doing for our own benefit.
The room he is now in is very small and what with his arms being in elevated slings, there is not much room to get in close. We tend to stand at the head of his bed and talk into his good ear. We like to talk quietly to him. The three of us often wonder what he is hearing and how long any of it stays in his head. I don’t suppose we will ever know. In the afternoon Mum went to sit with Gil and the nurse gave her a lesson in how to bathe him. His temperature is down a little. And all the skin grafting still looks good and alive. The plastic surgeon is very pleased. Claire is with him now.
We are all amazed by the continued support shown for Gil on this website. We really value all the messages and strong thoughts. The site began as a useful way of communicating and has become something far more important, something we could never imagine. Recently a newspaper published a story about Gil which enabled his old classmates and football coach to post messages. This is wonderful! However, the sudden publicity of Gil’s story has created an inkling of concern. We would ask that people please respect the private nature of this event and not publish or use parts of our journal entries without contacting us first. Thanks for understanding.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003 11.00pm It's Ann again at the end of another long day of the ICU shuffle: Two steps forward and one step back.
I popped in on Gil pretty early on and stayed most of the morning. His military haircut is growing in and beginning to get soft again. The stitches are out of his lips and he looks more like himself. His blood pressure was down a bit and his temperature up but neither is giving real worry. That doesn't mean the day went smoothly. Maggie and Claire visited Gil in the afternoon and while they were there the doctor told them that they have cultured a bacteria from Gil's wounds that they will have to treat with different antibiotics. In the meantime they said they wanted to move him to a private room off the ICU ward so other patients don't catch the bug. Of course this made the girls very anxious because one thing some of you had warned us about is the hospital superbug. We are assured this is not what Gil has. So the girls made their way home again leaving little puddles of nervous perspiration on the floor of the ICU.
I went straight back to visit Gil because Maggie and Claire said his sedative had been lowered more (and pain killers increased) and that Gil seemed to be a bit more wakeful. I had to wait a long time to see him because of his being moved and bathed. I finally got to his bedside just in time to watch his heart rate on the monitor go through the roof. His heart was beating so fast the bed shook. I was sure it was run and scream time for me. There were nursely scurrings and doctorly advice and after Gil was given a jolt of potassium all was normal again. His blood pressure never wavered from a good level during the episode and it seems he needs rather more potassium than the average person. No wonder he gets through 2 bananas a day. There I am, a panting wet rag and the doctor comes round with his gaggle of students and I have to leave again. The nurse filled me in afterward and it seems the plastic surgeon who worked on Gil's hands was also there. He unwrapped them and was very pleased with what he saw. The left thumb is doing very well and the right hand and the places from which skin was taken are also doing very well. The grafts are pink and soft. It has only been 24 hours but so far so good.
It had been a very busy day in ICU and not just because Gil was showing off. The nurses were all behind and change-over of shifts was looming so I came home and persuaded the girls not to go back until later. I think the antics of the Loescher ladies may be a bit too much for a very busy ICU: Claire's cabaret--she sings to Gil--is always sotto voce but how many times can one hear Puff the Magic Dragon and stay polite and focused? I do energy gathering antics that take up quite a bit of room and tend to scare away normal types and Maggie has a tendency to go all limp and fall asleep wherever she sits.
Gil reads the paper daily and has a habit of watching the Channel 4 seven o'clock news on telly. We try to read newspapers or watch TV but nothing seems to have any bearing on our lives any more. There is only one thing we think about. We may talk of other things but whenever there is a lull Gil comes into it. We get very little else done but visit him but we don't care. We are now all tired and less able to support each other. Sleep doesn't seem to be the answer--we all do that well. What I think we need at this point is a nice big guy who will hug us and say, "Don't worry about it. It will all turn out ok." And I know just the guy.
Tuesday, September 9, 2003 11.15pm It's Ann again. Claire and Maggie are on their way to say goodnight to Gil and maybe to spend the night in the waiting room if they want to. Yes, Gil had a successful day in surgery but it was very long. We saw him off about 9am and had to wait until after 6pm for news of his return. We spent the day close to home, dreading the phone ringing. We flopped about pretending to do things but were really only waiting. We started calling every hour at 2pm but were never made to feel we were a nuisance. When we were finally in the ICU the surgeon called to tell us the operation had gone well and that Gil showed the strength we are coming to expect of him.
Several hours of the day were spent replacing lost bits of bone in his right hand with tiny metal plates fixed with even tinier screws. Then a flap of skin was taken from the underside of his right forearm to cover the back of his hand. It is still connected to his forearm by a strap of skin to ensure a good blood supply and better healing. The strap will be severed when the graft is established. The graft covers the backs of his fingers, too, but the surgeon has left webs of skin between the fingers and will cut and shape those at a later date. So another big wound is closed. Now it must heal. When his hand has mended and he can try using it, Gil may be able to opt for work to be done to repair and replace tendons and this could give him even greater dexterity. He may, however, have had enough of surgery by then. It is a decision he can make some time in the next few months. A piece of skin was taken from Gil's left flank to cover the patch from which the skin was taken on his right forearm. There was also a small graft done to his left thumb. So now he has both arms in traction in symetrical pale blue foam slings. The left leg is doing well. The right leg still needs some work done to it but that will wait until new tissue grows between the separated muscles of his thigh. In the meantime it has been partially closed and and when it was undressed today it was found to be clean and alive--and not steaming!
When we finally could see Gil this evening he looked quite tired--pale around the eyes and deeply asleep. His blood pressure was a bit low and they were forcing fluids and giving him a little medication for it. His temperature was only slightly elevated. Of course the problems of long term ICU care still lurk but all in all, it seems Gil has come through pretty well. We are most grateful for all the messages of support that helped us all get through another day.
We had a long conversation with Frank Grillo (Gil's rescuer) and he was able to tell us quite a bit about the hours he and Gil spent together in hell. It is not my story to tell. Maybe someday Gil will want to share it but first he will have to come to terms with it himself. It is amazing that Gil has been delivered back to us. None of us can understand how or why we have been blessed with the miracles that have brought Gil home.
Keep the love, prayers, good thoughts, energy or whatever you have been sending coming Gil's way. I have absolutely no doubt that is what is keeping him here.
Monday, September 8, 2003 10.00 pm It's Ann again tonight. Maggie and Claire are saying goodnight to Gil. He has had another restful day and seems to be benefiting from that. His respirator has been turned down so he can do some breathing on his own. His blood pressure medicine is down by half and his temperature is nearly normal. His sedative is down but not so that he is awake enough to feel pain. He opens his eyes a bit but does not really look at us. No more grimaces or other indications of discomfort and we are glad to trade the little bit of feedback we were getting for that.
Tomorrow will be a big day for Gil. He will have a very long surgery. First, I am told, they will probably work on getting a skin graft over the torn part of his upper right thigh. Then they will go to work on grafting skin over the open back of his right hand and doing the small graft on his left thumb. I think they may be able to take the drain out of his left leg which is closed and they may change his tracheostomy tube. We have told them how worried we are about the trauma of such a long surgery and they have told us that they will take the advice of the anaesthetist and if at any time he feels Gil is too stressed the operation will be stopped and the dressings replaced. The whole thing does not have to be done tomorrow but they want to get a start at least. Gil cannot be allowed consciousness until his open wounds are closed because the pain of open wounds is far more severe than that of closed ones. I told Gil's nurse today how scared we are about tomorrow and she told me that it is a very positive thing they will do--that this is one of the last major operations Gil will have to have--that this is a big step on the road to recovery and that Gil is strong and stable. That helped a lot but I am still scared. We will go along very early tomorrow morning to say hello before the surgical team come to the ICU to take him to theatre. Then we have to wait all day--possibly 10 hours--before we will have news of him. That will be ghastly. Whatever we do will seem wrong and we will not settle to anything.
Knowing Gil was resting well today and in the good company of Claire made it easier for Maggie and me to get on with some things we had to do in Oxford. We also did something we did not have to do: The St. Giles annual fair is on this week and Maggie and I treated ourselves to a ride on the old fashioned merry-go-round. We smiled broadly for a full three minutes as we galloped around to "There's No Business Like Show Business" played on the calliope.
Neighbours have been giving us lots of food--cakes, bread, garden produce and with that and our own apples, potatoes and plums and wild blackberries we are becoming "freegans".
There are lots of young people around in various combinations and we accumulate around the supper table and always drink to Gil: l'Chaim! To Life!
Sunday, September 7, 2003 10.30 pm Oxford It's Ann writing tonight. I slept at the hospital last night but was not needed and left Gil about 6.30. He had a good night and his temperature stayed relatively low. This has been the case all day as well. He did need some help keeping his blood pressure up but not enough, I am assured, to make his heart work too hard. It's all a balancing act. Still no alarming signs of the problems that can result from too much transfused blood, too long on the respirator or too little muscle action. We hope the fact that Gil is so fit will stand him in good stead in this regard.
We wanted to feel good today because the doctor was pretty positive after yesterday's surgery but we are afraid to be too optimistic. Our spirits rise and fall with every remark made by a doctor or nurse, with every wavy line on the monitor or the polite little alarm bells that ring near his bed. We are as afraid of hope as we are of fear. Over the past 19 days we have readjusted our ideas about what to hope for many times. The more we learn about what can go wrong the more we realise how much we just want Gil to stay alive.
While Claire and Maggie spent long periods of time with Gil today I stayed home to do a little spirit lifting garden work and take a nap. (I dreamed an elderly lady in the ICU asked me to get into bed with her. I think I must be very tired.) Then while the kids made dinner for themselves and a neighbour I went to see Gil. It was a lovely quiet visit. He is peaceful and stable and I am happy to see him resting so well. It was exciting to have him trying to open his eyes and to smile at us but we had to realise that when he was that awake he could also feel pain. Knowing that, we are happy to do without the feedback for the time being and let him be comfortable.
The drain in his left leg is producing little, which is good, and it makes us hungry for the day when both legs are closed. Apparently the medical term for amputated limbs is 'stumps' but without our saying so directly, the nurses and doctors seem to understand that we do not like the term and now remember to call them legs when talking to us. They are his legs and he will use them again.
Tonight Gil will rest again in preparation for surgery tomorrow and again on Tuesday. So it will be two anxious days for us. I try to keep his heart beating strongly across the miles from this side of Oxford to the other.
Saturday, September 6, 2003 just past midnight Hello, it’s Claire. Today was awful. I am exhausted and so is everyone around me—including of course papa- most of all of us. The day started with a phone call telling us that Gil had made it through the night ok but that his temperature had risen to 40 (104) about 3 am and he had been restless. We took off to the JR. There we were told by his surgeon that they were very concerned and eager to find the source of his fever—an infection. They would be looking in his legs and hand, having cleared his head last night with a cat scan. Later they also took a scan of his abdomen which is also normal. We felt overwhelmed by all that could go wrong and when I inquired as to whether pa was physically up to the sugery the nurse said that he had to be because they had to clean his wounds.
The surgeon warned us that it would perhaps be necessary to remove his right leg from the hip joint if the infection had spread. With blast injuries the force of the damage can be more than initially shows as the tissue can continue to degrade for weeks after the event due to shock waves and bacteria and debris in the flesh. We three made the difficult decision to give our consent to the removal of his leg and possibly some of his pelvis as necessary. At all costs we want him back and we know he wants to be alive. The same had to be decided for his right hand. We were also frightened by the fragility of Gils condition- his lungs are the main concern to the ICU doctors. With all the blood and liquids he is being given his lungs are put under additional stress. He has also suffered a minor heart attack of sorts but they feel confident that they can deal with this effectively and hopefully prevent a repeat attack. We came back to the house feeling terribly low and almost like we were about to lose him. We spent several hours sick with worry.
At 5 we returned and the nurse came out to the waiting room to tell us the surgery had gone well and that Gil was holding his own and his blood pressure was stable and temperature had gone down. We were relieved by this and although we wont know for sure until later, we are hopeful that they may have found and removed the source of his infection and consequent fever. They found an enormous blood clot in his right leg that was so hot it was steaming, something that the surgeon had never seen before! He was however surprised at the lack of dead tissue and did not have to remove the leg from the hip bone. He was able to semi close the right leg but it will need more work. His left leg is closed and his right hand is looking ok. When I could eventually see Gil he had the most determined look on his face. He was restful and continues to amaze us with his strength.
The nurse today told us that they choose to keep pa sedated because to be awake with the extent of his injuries would be like suffering torture. Only when they can be sure of his relative comfort will they take him off sedation gradually.
Mum has gone to the hospital tonight to be with him. They kindly gave her the key to the overnight room. We hope she will get some sleep too.
Friday, September 5, 2003 about midnight Hello All, Maggie writing again tonight. Mum would like to be writing this update but she and Claire have made a late night run to the J.R. I am particularly exhausted today and feel my presence at Papa’s bedside right now will not be providing the much needed energy. We were all with him earlier today when we met with one of the trauma doctors who gave us an update on Gil’s condition.
Papa had a difficult night last night. He was having problems recovering from the extensive operations he endured yesterday. His blood pressure was too low during the night and his fever was up. An infection was discovered in his right ear and this morning the doctors were concerned about the source of the infection. They thought it might be connected to a deeper injury – perhaps caused by shrapnel lodged deep in the ear, or even worse, in another part of his head. An extensive CAT scan this afternoon thankfully showed this not to be the case. The ‘clear’ results from previous CAT scans done in Germany were further confirmed. The ear infection is surface and not connected to any deeper injuries. It is being treated with ear drops. We are extremely relieved about this.
It is comforting to read the positive messages on the website and to know that everyone is happy for our return to Oxford. Ann, Claire and I feel that we must continue to be as honest as possible in our journal updates. Gil is not out of the woods yet, and his condition is still very critical. The ‘waking up’ he did in Germany gave us a sense of hope that has, since his journey to the JR, been rather deflated. The army base in Germany was a short but incredibly significant healing spell, the aim being to stabilize Papa and get him to the next destination.
Papa is now at the hospital that will hopefully see him through the long haul and, therefore, we are beginning to learn the details of his sickness and the possible problems that may be encountered. The doctors here are keen not to paint unrealistic pictures of Papa’s state. Like the doctors in Germany, they are very honest with us. We appreciate this even though it means hearing all sorts of things that seem almost too much to bear at this stage when we are all exhausted and torn up inside. Things like the ear problem will probably become regular events and we have to somehow get used to it.
There was another concern about Papa’s heart today. A very sensitive test has revealed that over the last few days Papa’s heart may well have suffered. Further information will be available when he is strong enough to undergo tests. They are referring to it as angina, although they cannot be certain that is what it is. This news is of great concern and poses problems to future surgeries on the legs and the right hand. The doctors are aware that every time Gil undergoes surgery his body experiences more trauma, trauma that could further weaken his heart. However, surgeries are necessary to prevent infection of open wounds, another serious ongoing worry. These dilemmas are the things that we face on a daily basis. The medical team at the JR seems excellent and we trust their judgement. It is good to know about the details, but as Claire so rightly said, sometimes knowing just a little bit is worse than knowing nothing at all.
Having spoken to Frank Grillo (the man who rescued Gil) we understand that Papa helped in his own rescue. The telephone line to Iraq from where Frank was calling was very poor and our conversation short so we do not really know what this means. When Papa wakes a little he lifts his legs and tries to look down at them. We think that he knows that he has lost his legs. We think that he knew that this would be a possibility during his rescue. These are all speculations, but if they are true, it may mean that Papa consciously made a sacrifice to loose his legs for his life. Let us continue to hope and pray that this incredible sacrifice will be realized. Our friend James Milner told us today that Gil is the only person to have survived from the section of the building where he was found.
Ann writing briefly after seeing Gil late tonight. He was quite awake, trying to look at us and making faces. He complained about his right hand which is now in traction by rapidly shaking it up and down in the harness and grimacing. We could do nothing but reassure him that the pain will get better. We did not stay long because the nurses were ganging up on him to shift him around a bit and try to make him more comfortable for the night. After a long day of increased anxiety it was good go back and see him looking a bit with it again. We have to keep in mind how much damage has been done and that he will be in danger for some time to come.
Thursday, September 4, 2003 11.15pm It’s Maggie writing this evening. Claire will describe yesterday’s journey in more detail next. Papa has been settling into the John Radcliffe Hospital (from here on in referred to as the JR), although the transition from the army base ICU has been hard on all of us. Papa had to be heavily sedated to make the journey and this has set his awakening efforts back a couple of days. We were looking forward to his moments of consciousness – eye opening and facial expressions, and we won’t see much of this for a while now. That has been difficult to get used to. Also the hospital environment is new. There are, thankfully, open visiting hours, but there is not the privacy of Papa’s room in Germany. There is nowhere to sit and be near Papa for long spells and the atmosphere is very busy. However, the care seems incredibly good. The hand specialist spent a long time with us discussing exact details and possibilities for rebuilding his very damaged right hand. There will be a much larger team of doctors working on Gil. This is also very different from the more personal relations we developed with the small group of practitioners on the army base. We all know that these differences are no bad thing, but the added tension of a new regime is a lot to handle right now. I find being back in Oxford has started a new phase of the healing process. Everything is familiar and yet so much has changed since any of us were here last. Being home has made what happened to Papa very real, and the sadness is hitting deeply. We find ourselves thinking more practically about the future, Papa’s future, and what his injuries will mean to all of our lives.
Mum went to see Gil early this morning. Then he went into surgery and was worked on until the late afternoon. We were very anxious and unsure what was being done in the O.R. The medical team here is concerned about Papa’s fever and wanted to find the cause of it. The surgery was carried out in an attempt to expose any hidden infection. His leg wounds were cleaned and further shrapnel was removed from them. Shattering of the bone and loss of some skin from his left thumb was discovered. This injury has been re-opened, cleaned and will be dealt with very soon. His right hand was thoroughly examined by the hand specialist. We now know a lot more about the injuries to it. It appears that the palm side of his right hand is fully intact. That means that the tendons that allow his hand to grip are fully working and that the veins that carry blood to the finger tips are also fine. He still has warmth and sensation in his finger tips. The damage is to the back of his right hand. The skin, several parts of the bones and the tendons of his index, middle and ring fingers are gone. These are the tendons that he uses to release his grip, open his hand. The doctor talked to us at length about his hopes to reconstruct Gil’s hand. This procedure is very complicated and relies upon Papa being well enough to undergo a series of operations. Papa’s fever (most probably caused by the pneumonia) needs to improve before these operations can begin. We are comforted by the hand specialist’s real ambition to save the use of Gil’s right hand. He knows how important it is to his ability, not only to write, but more basically to use a wheelchair and be as independent as is possible. I think his right hand will now become a focal concern for us. I will hand over to Claire…
Because only one person could go with Gil in the air ambulance Maggie and Mum left Gil and me and flew Luftansa from Frankfurt to Heathrow where they were met by Joel and James Hamilton.
Standing in the ICU at Landstuhl with my hand on Gils forehead I felt calm at his relatively relaxed state and enjoyed his smile at me when I came close and he opened his eyes just wide enough to see me. At about three o’clock this all changed. A crew of four including an Italian doctor, a German paramedic and two ground staff filled the room. There was lots of exchanging of information and the doctor discussed with me the need to paralyse pa temporarily so that he could not breath for himself. The ventilator would breath for him throughout the journey ahead. I think the only time I was really of any use at all was at this point when it was obvious that these voices and the bustle were worrying pa and I was able to get to him and calm him. I told him I would be with him and that none of this would last very long. They packaged him up so neatly and tightly- like a cocoon one nurse said, in an orange wrap. There was a slight and controlled sense of urgency about the whole operation and I followed pa’s stretcher like an orange bullet down the corridor and into the ambulance. The air craft was very small- all seats were full- the pilot and co pilot, Gil in a stretcher, me and the doctor and paramedic flew for an hour 45 mins before reaching Oxford airport. They fed me cheese sandwiches and peanuts and I watched Gil’s monitor compulsively. It was difficult seeing him getting pumped in and out with air and not taking those breaths for himself as he was before, and thankfully is again now. We shot in through the emergency doors of the JR and were greeted by the worried faces of Maggie and Ann who had been long awaiting our arrival. We made it and he is settling.
Wednesday, September 3, 2003 10.30 pm Oxford It's Ann very briefly to tell you that we have all made the trip home to Oxford. Gil is comfortable and well taken care of at the John Radcliffe Hospital in the ICU. We are all exhausted so we will have to fill you in on details tomorrow. Goodnight!
Tuesday, September 2, 2003 8.30 pm It’s Ann writing tonight. Last night’s entry did not appear until this morning because of computer problems here. I hope we have it figured out so the same thing doesn’t happen tonight.
Gil has been hard work today. He is very animated. He waves his forearms about, lifts his legs, makes faces and works hard at opening his eyes and keeping them open. He is really quite strong and sometimes we need to hold his hands so he doesn’t make a mess of all the tubes and intravenous things. He tries to get up onto one elbow and obviously wants to know what the hell is going on! We try to reassure him and he seems to calm down when we do. At one point today he opened his eyes very wide and looked at Maggie and Claire who chorused Hello, Papa! And he smiled broadly. Hooray! Another time I tried to tell him he was ok and he shook his head firmly. He cannot talk because of the tracheostomy and that will be the case for quite a while but he mouths words and we think we are answering his questions simply and honestly. We think he is asking about his legs and we have tried to explain where he was and what happened in the simplest terms. We do not want to give him false hopes but we do not want to take all hope away.
We have tried to have one or more of us with him all the time today except for dressing changes, etc, because he is so aware and animated but I had to spend quite a bit of time waiting for or making phone calls to see if I could sort out tomorrow’s proposed travel to Oxford. It seems to be sorted though Lufthansa has no record of our outward journey. Maggie and I will go to Frankfurt airport at 9 am for a 1.30 flight in hopes that we can convince someone there that we are entitled to a return journey. Claire will wait here and fly out with Gil on the air ambulance. We are as yet unsure where they will land but Oxford airport is a possibility. We are all excited but anxious and will be until we are all together and safe in trauma at the JR.
It is impossible to know what to say to the doctors and nurses and support staff here at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center. It is not just their medical skills but also their interest in Gil as a person that has helped with his recovery. The people who looked after our needs have been indispensable and have freed us to spend our energy on Gil.
Just because we are leaving Fisher House does not mean we will be leaving the website. We can continue to give you updates and will try to do so on a regular basis. Tomorrow might be a bit tricky but we will make every effort to at least let you all know how the journey went. Thanks for caring.
Tuesday, September 2, 2003 9.30 am This is last night's message. We couldn't send it because the computer was wonky.
Hello, it's Maggie writing tonight. We have all just been with Papa trying to calm him down and make him go to sleep for a while. He doesn't seem to understand that it is late at night! The sedatives have completely stopped although his pain medicine has increased. He drifts between sleep and consciousness, but when he is awake he really wants out of there! He has been raising his arms off the bed and up towards us. We also think he is attempting to reach up towards his respirator and nose tubes to rip the things out--we don't blame him one bit but tell him he is not allowed to do that yet. He also makes great efforts to open his eyes and sit up. With much forehead wrinkling he has managed to open one eye half way and look from one face to another. It is really amazing to finally be looked at by Papa, who we have been looking at for almost two weeks. As Claire says, each moment is small but if you've been watching an eyebrow for days hoping it will rise, an arm coming off the bed towards your face is simply incredible.
His one occassionally half open eye is sensitive to movement and light (he reacted when the nurse turned on the the lights) and we know he is hearing a lot of what is going on around him now. Today I was reading to him and he seemed agitated. I went over to the bed and said, "Papa, do you want me to read to you?" He grimaced and shook his head. So much for the literary stimulation! I suppose it is totally bizarre to be in great pain, struggling to open your eyes and say two weeks of unsaid things while being read to. Although his shake of his head for "no" is the more popular action now, he was also able to nod when we asked him if he was cold this evening. This new language makes us very happy as he can now have some small say in what is happening for him. He has tried to mouth some words but we still have to wait for that.
The doctors say that shaking off the effects of two weeks of sedatives is a slow process and we shouldn't expect Papa to be fully able to communicate for a while yet. As he comes out of his daze his memory is probably very short-term. I think that each time he manages to open his eyes he thinks he is seeing us for the first time. It seems silly telling him the same things over and over again but this is needed now.
Papa is big and strong and determined and we are worried about his sudden moments of agitation. We hope he doesn't hurst himself unknowingly. When Mum entered his room this evening the nurse was having difficulty restraining him. At times he makes faces that most definitely indicate great pain. It is very difficult to watch and know what to say in response. We tell him that he is safe now and that the pain will only get less with time. Claire had a good phrase this evening. She said to him, "You made it, Pa, you made it."
Gil is running quite a high fever and it is yet unknown what is causing this. It is probably the pneumonia. the doctors are not worried. His blood pressure seems much less erratic than in the last few days and his amputations seem to be making good progress. We are still worried about his right hand and do not know yet whether or not he can keep all the fingers. A decision will probably not be taken until we return to Oxford.
Yes--Oxford! Our (all four) optimistic date for departure is still Wednesday. That is the day after tomorrow! Very exciting. The John Radcliffe Hospital is Oxford is ready to receive us and the medivac fly through the sky is all set up. There is, of course, the strong possibility that the day could be changed. But we are hopeful.
Earlier today I was in low spirits. I went to the website and reading all the messages there revived me. So they really work! Thank you all.
Sunday, August 31, 2003 9 pm It's Ann tonight. Maggie is in the kitchen making supper and Claire is helping with Gil's nightly bath. Of course Gil is already very clean inside and out but a nightly bath is required to keep him on the mend. Aside from the washing, swabbing, ointments, creams and powders he has big-gun antibiotics intravenously to zap any nasties that come near. We three are also, I fear, dangerously clean. We wash our hands and forearms when we go into Gil's room and when we come out. We have to maintain stringent standards of hygiene in Fisher House, using disinfectant spray all over the kitchen. Any little creatures that venture out onto the floors here go belly up. We have a good hot shower that Maggie and I use for waking up in the morning and that Claire uses to get sleepy at night. And we brought so few clothes in our rush to pack that we have to do laundry almost every day. I look forward to being recolonized by friendly bacteria when we get home.
It is a holiday weekend here on the American base and the ICU was kind of quiet until a burn specialist unit came through to treat some casulties recently arrived. Each time we walk past the rooms of other patients in the ICU we count our blessings and today we added to that our great relief that Gil suffered no burns.
It seems there is a possibility that Gil will be transported to the John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford as soon as Wednesday. The ICU are in touch with the medical transport company doctors and the trauma unit doctor at the JR. Of course we all want to go home but not before we can be sure Gil will have a safe and comfortable trip.
Claire is back from Gil's bath session to have supper. She reports he got a little annoyed at the tooth brushing business tonight but that he was very responsive to her voice and touch. He is very close to opening his eyes. I do think it is a little unfair of the nurse to put a lot of sticky goo in his eyes and then ask him to open them!
Gil continues to breathe almost unassisted and the magical hissing bed has him almost sitting up sometimes. He looks very good to us because we saw him at his worst when we first arrived. He has made wonderful progress since then and will, we pray, continue to do so.
Saturday, August 30, 2003 8.45 pm local time It's Ann tonight and I've had a beer. It has been a resting day for Gil. We are beginning to think of his deep sleep as curative and are a little more willing to just let him get on with it. I am not a patient person so this has taken some adjustment for me.
The ventilator has been turned down to give him only 4 breaths a minute--down from 18-- because he is taking most of his breaths on his own--a big step toward breathing entirely for himself. He snored a bit today! There was some bleeding from the left leg which they have started to close but the nurses dealt with that and redressed the right leg and hand, too. I watched him have a bit more of his head shaved late last night to allow the pretty nasty scalp wounds to heal better. He was not happy at all about being messed with and grimaced unbeautifully! I don't like to watch any of the numerous proceedures carried out on him because his blood pressure goes way up and it makes me very nervous. We can see now that he had some very nasty cuts around his mouth that were skillfully repaired somewhere along the line from rescue to this ICU. In a couple of places the flaps were nearly severed and we feel he has been very lucky to still be as beautiful as he is. We look forward to seeing him smile even if it hurts!
I sometimes look at Gil and see so many wounds any one of which under normal circumstances I would consider serious. When the staff here try to ease up on the sedation he obviously feels pain. He begins to shudder and knits his brow. I am dreading the day he will have to begin to bear it. We are told that closing his open wounds will lessen the pain considerably but there will be long months of learning to tolerate it to some degree.
We are heartened by the fact that the doctors don't appear in the doorway to Gil's room quite so often as they did in the beginning. We are reading lots of little signs that point to continued progress by the gentle giant.
We have had more contact with Frank Grillo. Claire talked to him on the phone today and his continued interest in Gil's recovery is touching. He has written us an email to reassure us that the tracheostomy and fitting of the bird nest filter are big steps forward.
We take a great deal of strength from the fact that so many people visit this page every day. These thanks may sound redundant--Maggie wonders how we will be able to keep saying thank you without being boring--but they are heartfelt.
Friday, August 29, 2003 8:40 PM Hey. It's Claire writing. I will start with yesterday. Thursday was a day full of change. Joel had to go back to the London and we feel a real gap- He has gone on ahead to smooth the way for us on our return. What a wonderful help and company he has been to us all. We seemed to wait the whole day yesterday. The big guy was in and out of the operating room and when we were finally able to be with him we were so relieved at the sight of him all freshly wrapped and with his breathing apparatus secured around his new tracheostomy (sp?). His face was free from strapping and he moved his jaw frequently as if testing that it still worked. It does, but his lips and the skin around his mouth have been badly damaged. Someone, somewhere in a field hospital stitched his lips and has done a beautiful job though he will inevitably be scarred. The swelling on his face continues to go down and from some angles he looks younger and shinier than he did when he left. We three were in fact so elated to see his whole face and it looking so good that we all wanted to touch him and talk to him and did so all at the same time and his blood pressure soared and we all had to back off and be quiet for a while. He often seems confused and worried by our presence perhaps because in his memory and semi conciousness he is still in a place we should not be. The tracheostomy was quickly and easily done. He also had what is known as a "birds nest" placed in his vein just above where the leg veins come together to catch any possible blood clot moving up his torso. This proceedure also went very well. They washed out his legs and found no more debris. There are still questions about some of the fingers on his right hand but at this stage he still has them. All small forward steps for Gil.
The weather changed too. I have found a place up high by the numerous baseball diamonds they have on base and from there I can watch the weather- Pa is a big weather watcher- and last night i saw the sky turn dark and it poured and crashed. We all worried a little that the storm would disturb Gil;s sleep but after a quick late visit we were reassured and came back and slept.
I spoke only a few words to Gil today. We mostly sat around him and read. We really wanted him to relax and rest today and recover from the surgeries of yesterday. He is ok and continues to fight the pneumonia. His temperature goes up and down, but is mostly up-- not terribly high-- and we hope for the best- a number of the nurses commented today that he looks so improved and is getting his colour back. We have put a picture of him smiling broadly at the end of his squigy, airy bed. I long for a smile from him and we will wait as long as it takes.
Thank you everyone for your wonderful messages that continue to arrive and help us.
Friday, August 29, 2003 9 am It's Ann very briefly. Claire wants to do this entry but she also wants to do some things for Gil this morning so it will be a little later that she writes. We were just too tired last night to write to you. Although Gil had a good day yesterday, I went to bed full of all the worst fears and sadness but this morning I feel better. Sleep renews strength and your wonderful messages keep us focused.
Thursday, August 28, 2003 10.15 am It's Ann this morning with very exciting news. We have had an email from the man who rescued Gil. His name is PFC Frank Grillo and he has found Gil through the UN. The email is addressed to Gil but I do not think he will mind my sharing it with you all. I retype it as it is written.
Dear Gill
It's hard to explain the emotions I felt. When I got on scene I wasn't scared or sad. I was confused and excited. Excited because I love to help people, and confused. Why would someone hit the UN. They put medication in the hospitals. What imbibil would want to put a stop to that. I was also a bit angry. Why attack UN, there defences were low, so they are an easy target, But who did they hurt, who did they offend.
You were in pretty bad shape when we got to you, You had me a little worried, but you made it through. I'm sure probably don't remember much after the initial blast. I can tell you that the position you were in probably saved your life, even though you may have lost your legs.
Now is a very hard time for you, and if there is anything I can do or say to help you please let me know. Your a hero Gill, Noble as any medic there that day. You went down in the line of duty, and you survived something very few did, or ever could have. I have some Photo's of myself and a few fellow medics as we were pulling you out. None with you in them, we try to respect the integrity of our patients, nd if seeing them will help in the healing process I'll be happy to send you a copies. If you need ANYTHING, and it is within my capability, please ask and I will do what I can. Look to your friends and family for strength, and never quit fighting.
PFC Grillo, Frank A.
United States Army Combat Medic
Please think the same strong thoughts for Frank Grillo that you are thinking for Gil. They are joined for life in a terrible and wonderful way.
Gil is presently in the OR undergoing the trauma of a wash out of his wounds. They will also attempt to do a tracheostomy (sp?) to allow Gil a more secure airway and allow him to have his mouth emptied of the breathing aparatus and his head and face freed of the strapping that holds that in place. We look forward to seeing him looking more like himself in a couple of hours. More later today.
Wednesday, August 27, 2003 1:08 PM CDT Hello, this is Maggie writing. Papa has had an up and down day. When I went to him this morning he seemed restful enough, his magical air bed making little noises and lifting him slowly. It is good that his bed can move him around a little. This greatly reduces all of the horrible things that can happen when you lie down for two long. Claire and I read to him from a book he read to us as children - a story of the battles between the 'Light' and the 'Dark' in a rather unassuming Welsh valley - plenty of supernatural sheep dogs and attempts at the Welsh dialect.
In the afternoon Papa's condition worsened a little, although the doctors reassure us that he is fine and much improved from the last few days. He started fighting the respirator and his blood pressure rose. It was difficult to watch as he looked pained. The doctor fiddled with the machinery and found a setting on the respirator that allowed Papa to breath more at his own pace and in his own style - a little like a snore!
It seems he does have pneumonia which is very common in patients who have been on the respirator for as long as he has. It is bacterial, not viral which is good. They have tested it on various strains of antibiotics and found the one that does the trick. He is on that now. The medical folk have also discovered a 'haze' in one of his thighs. This will probably develop into a blood clot, although, again, the doctor does not feel too distressed by this and is organizing to treat it through one or another of possible techniques. However, these things are very worrying to us. But Papa's condition is so much better than when he arrived and when ever we ask the nurse how he is doing she says, "He's holding his own."
Papa's blood pressure does fluctuate a lot. We have discovered that when it is too low Mum and Claire can bring it up by talking to him, and when it is too high, I can bring it down by placing my hand on his chest. So we make a good team. We each have our own ways of being with him. Mum often does tai chi next to his bed. She works up a huge ball of energy and then holds her hands out over Papa, distributing it to him. She thinks that his energy has been very disturbed by the loss of his legs and is pouring out of his wounds. She works at pulling the energy back up towards his torso and head, training it to recognize its new boundaries. Claire is very good at being cheerful with Papa. If I were ill I would want her to talk to me! The nurse has taught her how to brush his teeth with a little sponge on the end of a stick. She brushes his teeth often and works his good hand keeping the circulation going to his fingers. I like to sit with him and try to breath in time with him and his respirator. Today I was imagining him relaxing on our favourite Welsh beach, his Californian childhood giving him the uncanny ability of seeking out the sun even in Wales - lying up against the warmest rock, his soft brown skin getting even browner.
These images are comforting but the anger and deep, deep saddness is still overwhelming. Apparently today CNN interviewed von Zehle (one of the two men who rescued Papa and attempted to rescue Sergio de Mello). I was shocked to learn that CNN still referred to Papa as 'a man named Gil' even though it has been more than a week since the bomb and the international press has referred to him as 'Gil Loescher', mentioning his colleague, Arthur Helton, and their job titles. CNN obviously made no attempt to discover the itentity of my father, let alone mentioning any of the many other victims and casualties. We assume from this that full identification does not suit their story-telling techniques. Also, I was angered by the article in the Herald Tribune about the India bomb which seemed more concerned with the economic rather than the humanitarian effects of such a tradgedy. What must we make of such media?
I know many of you are worrying from afar, wanting to do something to help. But I can assure you that we feel as if you are with us. I'm glad this website is helping to keep everyone close and informed. We all find writing the journal entries a cathartic process. Let us move forward with communication!
Wednesday, August 27, 2003 1:08 PM CDT Hello, this is Maggie writing. Papa has had an up and down day. When I went to him this morning he seemed restful enough, his magical air bed making little noises and lifting him slowly. It is good that his bed can move him around a little. This greatly reduces all of the horrible things that can happen when you lie down for two long. Claire and I read to him from a book he read to us as children - a story of the battles between the 'Light' and the 'Dark' in a rather unassuming Welsh valley - plenty of supernatural sheep dogs and attempts at the Welsh dialect.
In the afternoon Papa's condition worsened a little, although the doctors reassure us that he is fine and much improved from the last few days. He started fighting the respirator and his blood pressure rose. It was difficult to watch as he looked pained. The doctor fiddled with the machinery and found a setting on the respirator that allowed Papa to breath more at his own pace and in his own style - a little like a snore!
It seems he does have pneumonia which is very common in patients who have been on the respirator for as long as he has. It is bacterial, not viral which is good. They have tested it on various strains of antibiotics and found the one that does the trick. He is on that now. The medical folk have also discovered a 'haze' in one of his thighs. This will probably develop into a blood clot, although, again, the doctor does not feel too distressed by this and is organizing to treat it through one or another of possible techniques. However, these things are very worrying to us. But Papa's condition is so much better than when he arrived and when ever we ask the nurse how he is doing she says, "He's holding his own."
Papa's blood pressure does fluctuate a lot. We have discovered that when it is too low Mum and Claire can bring it up by talking to him, and when it is too high, I can bring it down by placing my hand on his chest. So we make a good team. We each have our own ways of being with him. Mum often does tai chi next to his bed. She works up a huge ball of energy and then holds her hands out over Papa, distributing it to him. She thinks that his energy has been very disturbed by the loss of his legs and is pouring out of his wounds. She works at pulling the energy back up towards his torso and head, training it to recognize its new boundaries. Claire is very good at being cheerful with Papa. If I were ill I would want her to talk to me! The nurse has taught her how to brush his teeth with a little sponge on the end of a stick. She brushes his teeth often and works his good hand keeping the circulation going to his fingers. I like to sit with him and try to breath in time with him and his respirator. Today I was imagining him relaxing on our favourite Welsh beach, his Californian childhood giving him the uncanny ability of seeking out the sun even in Wales - lying up against the warmest rock, his soft brown skin getting even browner.
These images are comforting but the anger and deep, deep saddness is still overwhelming. Apparently today CNN interviewed von Zehle (one of the two men who rescued Papa and attempted to rescue Sergio de Mello). I was shocked to learn that CNN still referred to Papa as 'a man named Gil' even though it has been more than a week since the bomb and the international press has referred to him as 'Gil Loescher', mentioning his colleague, Arthur Helton, and their job titles. CNN obviously made no attempt to discover the itentity of my father, let alone mentioning any of the many other victims and casualties. We assume from this that full identification does not suit their story-telling techniques. Also, I was angered by the article in the Herald Tribune about the India bomb which seemed more concerned with the economic rather than the humanitarian effects of such a tradgedy. What must we make of such media?
I know many of you are worrying from afar, wanting to do something to help. But I can assure you that we feel as if you are with us. I'm glad this website is helping to keep everyone close and informed. We all find writing the journal entries a cathartic process. Let us move forward with communication!
Tuesday, August 26, 2003 8.45 pm It's Ann writing. It has been one week since the bomb. We realize suddenly how tired we are and tend to drop and snooze anytime and anywhere.
Our hopes are beginning to become expectations. I asked the doctor if we are foolish to think like this and he said he could not do his job if he didn't think that. Till now we have been operating using only tunnel vision--seeing Gil and only Gil; walking to and from Gil; talking of Gil; sitting by Gil. Now our view is becoming wider. We see better where we are. The bomb in India knocked us sideways today. We are thinking of the hundreds of desperately wounded people who do not have the kind of care Gil is getting. We find ourselves in a place that seems to have an endless supply of fine nurses and doctors. Claire reads every label of anything they put on or into Gil.
Gil's blood pressure is a bit too high today after days of worrying about it being too low. We are assured that this is ok especially in light of the fact that they are trying to wean him off the sedatives, allowing pain killers to keep him comfortable. Maggie's touch is very calm and brings the top number down by several digits within a few minutes. His blood pressure is expected to go up as he realizes more and more about where he is and what has happened to him. The doctor is hoping to be able to put in a trachea (sp?)tube for the ventilator so Gil's can have his mouth free. This would make him more comfortable and allow the cuts around his mouth to heal. The swelling around his throat must come down before this can be done. It will be a step in the direction of transport home if it can be accomplished. The JR in Oxford are in contact with the doctors here and together they are deciding what Gil's condition should be before he travels there.
Gil's right hand is causing some concern. It seems there is extensive tendon damage to the index and middle fingers so he may never have the use of them again. There is always a real danger of infection and that may make it necessary for the surgeon to remove those two fingers and possibly some of the hand, keeping the thumb. I find it very difficult to think of Gil not being able to use a pen.
We are about to have our supper. We try to make supper together in the big, bright kitchen but invariably the phone rings and we Loescher girls run off leaving Joel to finish the job. Tonight he has put rather a lot of green chillis in the stir fry. Maybe we will have to hang around and keep an eye on him from now on!
Everyone's messages have been so encouraging and are helping us no end. Please keep the thoughts coming. We know that they are helping Gil get stronger.
Monday, August 25, 2003 10.00 pm It's Ann writing. I can't help thinking all this lovely sunshine is also helping Gil. He spent the night peacefully and was stable enough this morning for the doctor to want take the window of opportunity to insert a little screen cone into the main vein from his legs. It was not something they had to do but something they wanted to do to fend off the possibility of a blood clot from his amputated legs getting to his lungs. This can be a problem though Gil is showing no signs of this happening at present. They had to make an incision in his right lower abdomen but did not need to do more than increase his sedative. Unfortunately they were unable to get the thing to seat well and will have to try again when they can get a different filter called a bird nest. It's been ordered.
We are told by his nurses that he is doing well and we do see that. The swelling continues to go down though his neck and the back of his head are still very distended with fluid. Many of the myriad of cuts that cover his whole body are beginning to heal. Some of the bigger ones show signs of infection and last night when Claire and I were helping to wash his face a nugget of glass came out of his mouth. I wonder where other such fragments lurk. It is great for us to be able to take an active part in his care. Maggie used swabs on long wooden sticks to clean under the aparatus that holds the ventilator in his mouth. Tomorrow they will take him to surgery again to wash the wounds on his legs and right hand. That always him distress and us some concern as they have to give him anaesthetic and it causes his blood pressure to drop.
We are learning to appreciate the spectacle de son et lumiere that is a room in the intensive care unit. The bed hisses and rumbles, the pleur-evac bubbles, the ventilator wheezes and clicks. Machines despensing drugs and nutrients have screens like tiny Time Squares with words dashing by and numbers blinking. Sometimes an alarm goes off and an red light flashes to make us anxious until the nurse comes calmly in to push beepy buttons. On the black television screen a tracery of red, green, white, fushia and blue lines shows us how Gil is working on the inside. We watch it hungrily or passively for information depending on how he is doing at the moment.
I think we will be here for quite a while yet but of course we look forward to the day--perhaps within a couple of weeks--when we will be able to go home. It is probable that Gil will go home to Oxford with us where he will go first to the trauma unit at the John Radcliffe Hospital though this plan could change. We have thought long and hard about what would be best for Gil and believe that being in familiar surroundings will be very important to his recovery. We have done as much research as we can from here into British medical establishments that have the required expertise to deal with Gil's injuries. Joel's help with this has been invaluable as has been lots of input from friends and friends of friends who have any medical connections.
I am about to go back to the ICU to spend a few hours of the long night with Gil. It is as much for my peace of mind as for his. I always tell him how many messages of admiration and hope have come in. He knows people are caring about him and as soon as he is allowed to wake up we will share your messages with him. Thanks for your continued support.
Monday, August 25, 2003 1.30 AM local time We are coming to grips with what has happened to Gil but we are feeling a wider despair. As Claire said tonight, "I just can't believe how much some people can hate other people."
Thank you all for the wonderful messages that keep appearing at this site and for the other emails and phone calls. They have helped us realize that Gil's real stature is in his spirit.
It's Claire writing tonight. It's very late and we have left Pa's bedside to allow a multitude of nurses to turn him over so they could wash his back. Mum and I washed his front and his face and brushed his teeth. It's been an up and down day and as his doctor would say, this is a blip--a little down time-- and is to be expected with the severity of his injuries. The surgerical proceedure using pressurized water to clean his wounds was brought forward from Monday to today because they want to stay ahead of any possible infection and they did not like the look of the dressings. That proceedure went well but later his blood pressure dropped too low and was a worry but is now being medicated. Good spinal xrays show no damage and this has allowed them to remove Gil's collar. He seems to like this and has been turning his head toward us when he hears our voices when his sedation is decreased. Also he has a fantastic new bed which we would all like to get into! It uses cushions of air to roll him slightly and reduce pressure on his back. It also vibrates from time to time and helps him clear his lungs. We hope this will help to lessen the possibility of pneumonia. He is still running a fever and there is a worry he may be developing an infection somewhere but they are confident they can control anything like that with anitbiotics. The nurses and doctors are getting to know us now and seem to accept that we are a bit weird. Tonight Maggie, Joel, Mum and I sang many of Gil's favourite songs to him and he seemed to like that. After hearing our rendition of Puff the Magic Dragon in several different keys at once the staff offered to lend us a tape player. Maggie read lots of the Grey King to Gil today. It is one of the many books he read to us as kids.
We can't thank you all enough for helping to keep Gil going. It keeps us going, too.
Sunday, August 24, 2003 11.15 am It's Ann writing. Gil's condition continues the same. It seems sometimes that progress is too slow to be borne. That if he doesn't open his eyes and say something in the next few minutes I will despair. But our wonderful friend Matt Fletcher said something very important last night that has calmed these feelings. He said, " Gil knows how to take his time." It is absolutely true. Gil gets the job done slowly but that's how he gets it right.
We have only seen Gil briefly this morning because his wounds had to be dressed and we are not allowed to attend that. They have told us his spinal xrays are good enough to allow him to be moved onto a special air bed that will reduce the pressure on his skeleton and lessen the likelihood of pressure sores. He has had his first "meal" --some breakfast injected through his stomach tube--a protein vanilla shake. Other medication remains the same and he is still heavily sedated so peaceful and that helps the healing.
Maggie says she thinks she is coming to terms with what has happened because it no longer seems like it is happening to someone else. It has become part of our lives. It is real. This will help us help Papa.
The messages you are sending are remarkable. Please keep them coming. If I sometimes seem glib forgive me. Our personalities are reemerging and we are able to enjoy things a bit. We even have some laughs across Gil's bed and we think this is good medicine for us all.
Saturday, August 23, 2003 It's Claire and/or Ann writing tonight. I have to begin with news that has given us some sense of relief and connection with Gil in his ordeal. Go to a copy of today's Washington Post or find it on line to read about the attempt to rescue Sergio de Mello and find there the story of the rescue of a "man named Gil". For the past few hours we have been consumed with a need to find and thank those two men who saved Gil for us. We are saddened to find no mention in the article of Arthur Helton who must have been in de Mello's office at the same time. We also know that Gil owes his life to Sergio de Mello's desperate efforts to direct help to where he and Gil were trapped.
Gil's condition continues to be critical but stable. The medication keeping his blood pressure up cannot be withdrawn as yet and he continues to need the help of a respirator. What all the other tubes are for we can only guess. Gil's wounds are redressed daily and he is always heavily sedated because of what would otherwise be terrible pain. We are ssured that the sleep is just that and not coma. His larger wounds will remain open for a long time but the numerous smaller ones seem to us to be showing progress already. The superating wounds to his scalp still distress us but the nurse assures us they are superficial. He has a neat zipper of staples up his abdomen closing the incision they made for explatory surgery. Of course Gil is not out of the woods yet and the wolves that lurk in the shadows and may have to be reckoned with are pneumonia, infection, heart problems and more. But today, this hour, there is a lot to make us hopeful.
Gil had a good day yesterday and I thought he deserved a night with a good woman so I stayed with him till about 3. The night nurse let me help her bathe him. Earlier she showed the girls and me how to give him a little physical therapy by manipulating his good hand and fingers and bending and flexing his elbows and how to brush his teeth and sweeten his breath. They have gear in that place for everything! The toothbrush is a little green sponge on a stick that you saturate with mouthwash.
We cannot begin to tell you all how much it means to us to find so many of you visiting us via this site and also by phone and email. (Claire'e email box is almost full.) Please do not think that your job is done! We firmly believe your thoughts and prayers are helping Gil and we know they are helping us. Please also remember the wonderful doctors and nurses who are keeping Gil going. His will to live is remarkable but his condition would overwhelm that will were it not for the people working for him literally all the time.
Friday, August 22, 2003 Gil is looking better all the time. His swelling has gone down on his chest and his face. He is trying hard to breath for himself, although the breathing machine is still doing it for him. He fights it a little and shivers run over his torso periodically when we touch his arm and talk to him.
This morning was very difficult for all of us. A test had been done that showed a possible heart problem. It was very slight but anything small is very big for Gil right now. He was due to go into surgery to have his wounds cleaned of debris, but the doctors delayed it because of this worry. We went to bed last night feeling positive and this news first thing in the morning was a real blow. We spent the first few hours of today very, very scared and trying to be strong for Gil. We took turns being wiht him. But in the late morning the cardio experts arrived and gave the ok for the surgery. His heart seems to be doing well, afterall. And the surgery (a cleaning process which will be undertaken every couple of days) went well. We are so relieved and thankful. This is a very up and down time and all the doctors say that it is very rare for a patient who has sufferred such trauma to heal without some hicups. We can only hope and pray that Gil is strong enough to deal with these hicups. He did today and we are very proud of him.
The doctors and nurses here are fantastic. They speak to us as if we might actually understand them! Everyone has been great - generous, thoughtful and considerate of our privacy. We can visit Gil whenever we want and are never amde to feel in the way. People know us by name and are always willing to do anything to help. That includes the women who run the guest house we are staying in.
Nine more casualties from the UN blast arrived this afternoon. Nine more families, nine more lives to save, nine more traumas to heal, and hundreds more lives forever changed. It is almost impossible to contemplate. We don't yet know if Gil might know any of the casualties brought here. The new intake means the ward is much busier, but the background noise might be good for Papa. It also means that there are many people around who are suffering as we are right now. We can help each other. Two UN representatives arrived today also. We spoke with them for a while and they will be sticking around to help.
Everyone at the hospital is amazed at how quickly Gil made it to Germany. There seems to be a string of unanswered questions and a string of miracles that have brought Gil this far. We have to be immensely thankful for them. Who found him so quickly? How did he get from the site to the hospital in Iraq? How did he manage to get put on one of the first flights out of Iraq? How did he get flown to Germany instead of Jordan where most critical cases were sent? How did we manage to get to him so quickly? How did he survive this extraordinarily horrific experience?
In thinking about Gil and the other new UN patients here we have been also thinking about the Iraqi casualties who are not so lucky and who lie dying in unsatisfactory hospitals in Iraq, unable even to consider receiving the kind of treatment Gil has here. He would want us to keep them in our thoughts. We can't look for an answer now but we must hold all this in our hearts. It is a very, very difficult thing to do and we are very tired, but hanging in there.
Gil really knows we are here with him and we have been telling him about all the love and hope that people are sending him from around the world. It is astonishing how many messages we have received from people. He is such an inspiration to so many people it seems. We will start reading your messages to him soon. All of your thoughts are really helping us all keep up the fight. Keep up all the good work!
Maggie
Thursday, August 21, 2003 21.30 BST It is Thursday night, 21 August. Margaret, Claire, our good friend Joel Chalfen and I are here in Landstuhl Germany at the US Army base hospital where we have been for just 24 hours. I've just been with Gil for a little while in the intensive care unit. He is still very ill but markedly better than he was at this time yesterday. His survival is not yet a certainty but with each hour he lives the able doctors and nurses looking after him grow more confident that he will make it. Those of us who know him best get a sense of Gil's enormous will power working for him and are sure this will pull him through. He looks pretty awful with swelling all over his body and especially on his face. I think it is probable that he will have scarring to his lovely face, particularly on his upper lip. There are lots of little cuts and scrapes everywhere and some are deep enough to be stapled closed. His right hand has been badly but apparently not irreparably damaged. Several of the many fractured bones have been pinned and he will probably need a skin graft to the back of it. It is the loss of both his legs from just above the knee that is giving the most concern now. These wounds have been regularly flushed in an effort to dislodge persistent pieces of debris and to determine how much of the remaining tissue is viable. I think doctors are confident they will not need to shorten the bones further. We desperately hope this will be the case. Until these wounds are closed--a proceedure due to take place tomorrow morning--and begin to heal he continues to lose much of the blood and fluids pumped into him. He produces more than adequate amounts of pee and for this we congratulate him often. Gil is still enduring the exhausting process of trying to live through the initial trauma. He sometimes surfaces from the fog induced by sedatives and seems terrified. He tries to run, throwing his limbs about rhythmically and rolling his head. It is somehow reassuring to see everything working but very distressing indeed to imagine what horrors he may be recalling. We do believe he is aware of our being with him and that he may be understanding much of what we say. We do not know to what extent he is aware of his injuries or that his good friend and valued colleague Arthur Helton has died. If his progress continues over the next several days we can begin to think about where he should be for the next steps in his long road to recovery.
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