History

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Five years is too little.
We let her go.
We had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from her mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held
This is what it means to be held.
(Held, Natalie Grant)

Five years of waiting, watching, hoping, pressing on...

Friday, November 25, 2011 5:54 AM CST

It isn't that you have missed the life we feel you should have had, you are living the life you were meant to have. It is not you that is missing from where we are, it is us that are missing from where you are. You've achieved the dream I pray for all my children; for their lives to lead them Home. This was the way it was meant to be all along, but somehow, along the way, we made up our minds that parents need to get there first... even though Jesus clearly said "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matthew 19:14)

Maybe it's not what we wanted at first, but in the end, if we had wanted what He wanted all along, we would have found peace much sooner than we did.

Now, instead of my heart seeing your shoes missing at the front door, I see my shoes missing beside yours.

Rather than my heart noticing the empty chair alongside mine at the table, I see the seat you've saved for me at His table.

There are no photos of you missing in God's family photos -- you're where He pictured you to be all along.

It's us who are missing... we're not home.

It was never my place to teach you here on earth; I could never have taught you as much as you're teaching me.

I no longer see us growing up without you, I see you growing up without us... waiting for our hearts to understand what you've understood all along, waiting for the day until you can teach us about where you've been for the last 4 years.

Not too much longer...

(anonymous)

Saturday, May 28, 2011 8:32 PM CDT

Happy 9th Birthday sweet daughter of mine. Oh, how I wish you were here to celebrate with us. It makes me sad to spend this day alone so I planned a party. We are going to watch "The Return of the Pink Panther" outside on the driveway. Some people may think that's a strange thing to do, but there are no guide books that tell you how to spend your child's birthday when they are not here, so I am making this up as I go along.
I remember one night when we had to call the hospice nurse to come see you. I don't remember the details, but for some reason we all sat up and watched the Pink Panther and LAUGHED. There you were--so, so sick and you were laughing at Peter Sellers. You were amazing. I think about you when I go to donate blood or get a shot. It reminds me of all of the 'pokes' you endured. I think of you when when I get sick and just want to stay in bed. You were sick for SO long and yet you still managed to live life to the fullest. I think of you when I have to swallow pills. I don't know many 5 year olds who can swallow dozens of pills a day.
You are my hero. You make me want to be brave.
I love you.
I miss you.
I can't wait to see you again.
One year closer...

Monday, March 7, 2011 9:53 AM CST

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

("With Hope", by Steven Curtis Chapman)

Monday, November 29, 2010 7:14 AM CST

"I have been a part of something truly wonderful.

It is not magical, yet it is glorious.

It is not temporary, but eternal.

It is incredible, but believable.

It is not always pretty, but it is exceptionally beautiful.

It has made me cry oceans of tears, but has brought me the most REAL joy.

It has brought me crawling to my knees, but has grown me up.

It has brought me to a crises of faith, but has made me believe that HE IS.

It has made me angry and sad, depressed and despairing, yet filled me with hope and peace, encouragement and strength.

I have been a part of something truly wonderful.

I have been a part of Anna Jane’s life."
(L. Thackerson)

Missing you, but living in joyful anticipation of seeing you again.
Hugs and kisses,
Mom

Saturday, May 29, 2010 5:22 AM CDT

Photos on the mantle I won’t change
For they still remind me of a day
You filled our hearts with laughter and your smile
How we loved you, for a while
The day came in the blinking of an eye
When suddenly we had to say goodbye
As you were soaring homeward through the blue
Part of me went right along with you

Every time I hear you in my mind
Though my heart weeps, my soul takes flight to the place
Where you are, somewhere far beyond the farthest star
Now every minute that I breathe, you live what I believe

You gave me so much more than joy
In you I saw a reason for each morn
In a world unwinding as it spun,
Holding you would make me still again
Many say your days with us were too few
But they were numbered by the Lord for you
A message of your life remains through time
Jesus gave you everlasting life

Every time I hear you in my mind
Though my heart weeps, my soul takes flight to the place
Where you are, somewhere far beyond the farthest star
Every time I see you dancing through my mind
Though I long to hold you, my soul takes flight to the place
Where you live, to watch you sing and dance what would I give
Now every minute that I breathe, you live what I believe

One day I will see Jesus come for me
No one knows the hour He will come
I will fall at His feet for all He’s done for me
Then straight into your arms I’ll run

Every time I hear you in my mind
Though my heart weeps, my soul takes flight to the place
Where you are, somewhere far beyond the farthest star
Every time I see you dancing through my mind
Though I long to hold you, my soul takes flight to the place
Where you live, to watch you sing and dance what would I give
Now every minute that I breathe
You live what I believe

(Every Minute That I Breathe
by Jana Alayra)

Saturday, March 20, 2010 9:01 PM CDT

If you have been following our story you know that we are big supporters of Ally's House in OKC. They helped us with mortgage payments, school supplies, birthday cakes, parties, bicycles, etc. while Anna was sick. They even helped with the expenses of her funeral. They are a great organization that supports Oklahoma families who have kids with cancer.
Well.... there is another organization similar to Ally's House in our new city. It's called ASK. Audra and I have been attending their bereavement support group on Thursday nights. Their big fund raiser is a 5K walk/run next month. Our whole family has joined our Pine Run neighborhood team. The race just happens to be 2 days before my birthday SO if you were wondering what you were going to get me and you don't want to worry about mailing a package, you can make a pledge to benefit ASK in Anna's memory. Here's the link to the race information.
http://www.askwalk.org
Click on "Support a Participant" and then click on one of our names. The donation options start with $25, but you can click on "other". A $5 donation would be great. (Remember how much money we raised for Anna's Room at the hospital with $10 donations.)
I am so thankful that we can still do things to honor Anna and help other people--even in Virginia.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010 7:27 AM CST

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With big blue eyes
That sparkle when she smiles
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, "Daddy please come play with me for awhile"

God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm aching for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door
So right now

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I pray
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm longing for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door

But in my mind's eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space
All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there's no one left in the orphans' bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there's no more goodbye
And no more not enough
And there's no more enemy
No more

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms

Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl
Heaven in the face of my little girl

(Stephen Curtis Chapman, Heaven is the Face)

Monday, December 28, 2009 10:49 AM CST

We miss you sweet girl.
See you soon.
Hugs and kisses,
Mama and Daddy

Thursday, November 19, 2009 5:12 PM CST

Steven Curtis Chapman recently released a new CD of songs he wrote after his 5 year old daughter Maria died. As you can imagine, the words give voice to emotions we have, but can't express.

This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
But this is how it is
And our God is in control

This is not how it will be
When we finally will see
We'll see with our own eyes
He was always in control

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control

Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and see
That our God is in control

And we'll sing Holy, Holy, Holy is our God
And we will finally, really understand what it means

(Our God is in Control, SCC)

There are still times when I don't know how I have or will survive losing Anna. A part of me is missing and it can't be replaced. I have no choice but to learn to live with it. Live with pain. Praise God that pain is not all there is. There is also joy and His mercies are new every morning.

Thursday, September 3, 2009 8:54 PM CDT

NEW WEBSITE
www.salamyspressingon.blogspot.com

I have set up a new website to chronicle the new chapter in our family's life. Anna's story is a part of who we are, but it's not the end of our story. We have to go on without her--not leaving her behind--but sending her on ahead. I was planning to end this website, but after almost 5 years, it's too hard to stop. So, I will post on here periodically if I have some reflections about Anna or grief. I will also post on anniversaries, birthdays and holidays when I am remembering my sweet girl. But for the day to day "stuff" about our family and our new life in Virginia, you can go to the website linked below.
Thank you for loving my girl. Thank you for loving our family. Thank you for caring about our story and allowing it to touch your lives.

If this is your first time to visit this website, please feel free to read our story from the beginning and get to know our incredible, insightful, and intelligent little girl. If you are visiting this site because you are grieving, feel free to skip to November 25, 2007 and follow our journey to life after death.

Saturday, August 29, 2009 3:33 PM CDT

Praise Report

This week I took Audra and Will to enroll in school. They are now officially Pemberton Penguins. After filling out the paperwork, we took a walk down the 3-5th grade hall. There was one 3rd grade classroom, then three 4th grade classrooms, then another 3rd grade classroom right next to one of three 5th grade classrooms. We just found out today that Will and Audra will be in the classrooms with doors right next to each other. That means they will be able to see each other coming and going! AND Audra is VERY into a website called Pixie Hollow right now. It's a place where she can design her own fairy. She LOVE fairies! Her new teacher's name is MS FARIES! We haven't even met her, but we already like her.

When I was out getting the mail, I met our next door neighbor and her 7th grade son who goes to the same middle school as Jacob. Now Jacob will have someone to show him where the bus stop is. Yea! (Everyone here is encouraged to ride the bus. There are 30 buses that service Jacob's school.) Pray for him as he transitions to a much larger school.

Last night we had dinner with a girl I connected with through the Baylor Line. We have been emailing back and forth ever since I saw that she had recently moved to this area. She graduated the same year we did, but we didn't really know her until last night. She invited us and two other families over for pizza and swimming at their neighborhood pool. It was a fun night of fellowship with other transplanted Virginians.

Today we went to Williamsburg just because we could. We had to take Asta with us because we don't have a yard and we didn't want to leave her inside all day. I think she enjoyed herself although we felt pretty silly taking our dog with us.

We haven't sold our house. We haven't found a house. And we don't have any "roots" here. But good things are happening and we are seeking to be "rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith... and overflowing with thankfulness." (Col. 2:6-7)

Thursday, August 27, 2009 7:51 PM CDT

I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP
Tonight we went across the street to Deep Run Park to listen to a band concert. It is a beautiful park with lots of walking trails, lakes, playgrounds, and pavilions. We listened to a few songs and then started to walk away because the kids wanted to go play. That's when I heard the conductor say, "Next we will be playing 'Oklahoma' for all the Oklahomans out there." He was joking, of course, because they didn't know they had Okies in the audience. What a nice surprise. Thanks God!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009 4:51 PM CDT

Lessons learned on the road...

--A box of Milk Duds left in the car will become one giant Milk Dud.
--Our dog can travel to the moon and back as long as we all stay in the same room. Getting two hotel rooms upsets her.
--The cord for the DVD player doesn't quite reach to the back seat.
--It's easy to find a Cracker Barrel in Tennessee and Virginia.
--It's hard to find unsweet tea in Tennessee and Virginia.
--Jacob doesn't like Italian bread on his BLT at Subway.
--If the waitress spills sour cream on your new shoes at the Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville, they will give you a discount and a free guitar pen.
--If you get up to walk the dog at 6am in Wytheville, VA you can see real purple mountains.
--Will gets carsick after 2 hours in the back seat.
--It's a LONG way from Oklahoma to Virginia....but not too long.

Sunday, August 16, 2009 8:06 AM CDT

This is my song for today as I am exhausted and surrounded by boxes and wondering when we will ever be settled again. It will still be my song on the day I unpack these boxes in our new house (when we find one)....

To all the travelers
Pilgrims longing for a home
From one who walks with you
On this journey called life's road
It is a long and winding road

From one who's seen the view
And dreamt of staying on the mountains high
And one who's cried like you
Wanting so much just to lay down and die
I offer this, we must remember this

We are not home yet
We are not home yet
Keep on looking ahead
Let your heart not forget
We are not home yet
Not home yet

So close your eyes with me
And hear the Father saying, "Welcome home"
Let us find the strength
In all His promises to carry on
He said, "I go prepare a place for you"
So let us not forget

We are not home yet
We are not home yet
Keep on looking ahead
Let your heart not forget
We are not home yet

I know there'll be a moment
I know there'll be a place
Where we will see our Saviour
And fall in His embrace
So let us not grow weary
Or too content to stay
'Cause we are not home yet

So let us journey on

(Not Home Yet, Steven Curtis Chapman)

So, let us press on my friends to our eternal home.

Funny Will Story....
Yesterday my dad treated us to one last lunch at Incredible Pizza. After we all got our food, I asked Will to say the blessing. He thanked God that we got to go to IP with Grammy, Papa, Aunt Shonda, Uncle Marc and Kory. Then he said, "Help this food to.....taste good. Amen" He looked up and said, "I was going to ask for the food to nourish our bodies, but I knew it wouldn't so I just asked for it to taste good."

Friday, August 14, 2009 9:39 AM CDT

The packers arrived bright and early this morning. (I was still in my pj's!) They took a look around and said that everything that was left was stuff we could pack ourselves or stuff that the movers would have to wrap on Monday. Then they left! We were really trying to cut out the cost of packing so we are thrilled that our hard work paid off.
Thank you Julie, Shelley, Katie, and Karen for helping fill boxes. Thank you to Sittie and Pop for taking the kids shopping for their first day of school clothes. Thank you to Kay for Audra's spa day. Thank you to everyone who has had our kids over for play dates this week (there's still one day left if anyone needs a friend on Monday:-) Thank you to the BGCO and NWBC for giving us boxes. Thank you to Shelley for the FANTASTIC scrapbook of our going away party. LOVE IT!! Thank you in advance to whoever can come over Monday afternoon/evening and join the cleaning party--bring your own vacuum. We will leave bright and early Tuesday morning after camping out with Richard's parents. Whew! I'm actually looking forward to the 20 hour drive so that I can sit down!

Because so many of you donated money to fund Anna's Room at the hospital, I wanted to share with you some of the comments left in the guestbook.

N N-Every time I wore Anna’s key around my neck a hospital staff member would stop and talk to me about wonderful Anna.
J and D Enid, Oklahoma-Thank you so much. We loved the stay and thankful for the help.
G C-Thank you so much for the room. Refreshing, comfortable and a nice get away from a stressful place.
K T-Thanks so much! I loved the room and it was a nice place to relax and get a good night sleep.
J L-thanks to all the staff that makes this room a wonderful stay. Thank you so much.
L T-Thank you! I have finally slept. Beautiful room!
L and M-This is a beautiful room. Thanks to everyone who keeps this going.
C-Thank you! The room allowed me to get the rest I needed to get well and see my baby in the village.
I and M G-Thank you! Enjoyed the room immensely.
E & C- This room is such a blessing. Thank you so much for providing this for families. This was our 1 year old’s safe haven and a place to rest while brother was here. May God bless all who stay here!
J and J -Thank you from the bottoms of our hearts. This room is a beautiful blessing.
J K-Thank you for everything. It gave my granddaughter a place to lay her head while her brother was sick.
J and N-Thank you. What a nice place to stay.
J C-Thanks for everything. It was a very nice and comfortable.
B-Thanks-the nap really helped.
S-Thank you for the wonderful room! It’s nice to have a place to go that feels a little more like home. God bless you!
R-Enjoyed the comforts of this beautiful room. May God bless your good deed!
S L-amazing and awesome. What a blessed tribute. God Bless You.
S L-You have provided a tranquil place of peace to honor Anna. God bless-
C D-thank you so much for this wonderful gift. It helped so much in the time of need. God bless you always.
J R-Thanks so much for the use of the room. It’s such a blessing! God bless-
B – Thank you for the kind and caring compassion. You are truly a blessing from God!
A and K -Thank you for his room. It was a wonderful blessing. My granddaughter and I enjoyed it greatly.

THANK YOU FOR MAKING THE ROOM POSSIBLE!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU ALL!
Marlo

Thursday, August 13, 2009 8:30 AM CDT

I go to bed tired and I wake up tired. Moving is exhausting! Our house is a total wreck as we try to sort through everything and box it up. When the realtor called she said, "Well, I guess I won't schedule an open house this week." We have one more day to pack on our own before the professionals arrive tomorrow to finish up. I know they won't do any sorting. One lady told me to keep my shoes on my feet. Her husband was walking around in his socks on moving day and the movers packed his shoes!
In my last post I mentioned wondering what we were going to do in our empty condo while we waited for the truck to get there. I happened to mention our arrival date (and the truck's arrival date) to some friends who live in Richmond. I really just wanted to borrow some sleeping bags. It turns out that they will be visiting family in OK and TX this week and they are letting us use their house while they are gone! AND we will get the keys Saturday because they will be staying with their parents who LIVE NEXT DOOR to Richard's parents. Thank you Lord!
Today Audra is finally getting her manicure and pedicure that "Santa" gave her in December of '07. (Thank you to whoever left that on our porch.) Our friend Ms Kay also arranged for Audra to get her haircut at the salon after she gets her nails done. Big day for her! Tonight is our last family movie night, tomorrow the packers come, Saturday we say goodbye to family from Wichita with one last trip to Incredible Pizza, Sunday we say goodbye (again) to everyone at church, Monday load up and clean the house, Tuesday we are out of here!!
My verse for today is written on my hand (literally)....
"I am the Lord's servant and I am willing to accept whatever he wants." (Luke 1:38)

Monday, August 10, 2009 4:44 PM CDT

How much??? How long???

We got the estimate from the movers today and were shocked. For those of you who have never moved....whoa Nelly! So now we are trying to reduce our poundage by getting rid of a car and the trampoline and whatever else I can pawn off on friends and strangers.
The church prayed for us and sent us off yesterday thinking that it would be our last Sunday. Surprise! The movers are coming to PACK on Friday, but they cannot LOAD until Monday or it would cost overtime. (Evidently they can drive on the weekends, but they can't pack or load.) So we will be here a few more days than we thought. Richard doesn't start work until the 24th so we should be there in plenty of time for his first day. Of course there is also something called a "delivery window" which means that our stuff could get to VA anytime between the 19th and the 24th. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do until the truck arrives??????
Tonight is Jacob's goodbye bowling party hosted by some friends of his. Tomorrow is one last Lebanese dinner cooked by Richard's grandmother. We have enjoyed every lunch, every phone call, every party, every prayer. We have felt very loved. We would move more often if it weren't so exhausting/draining/expensive/emotional/etc.

Saturday, August 8, 2009 7:31 AM CDT

What started as a prayer this morning turned into this.....

Packing
Moving
Changing
Scary.
Will's last night in his bunk bed,
Sad.
Getting rid of stuff---
Meaningless yet full of meaning.
"Memories come with me!"
Don't stay in this house where she lived,
and died.
Leaving her?
No.
She's not here.
And yet I see her on the swingset.
I see her in the window.
I sit with her by the fireplace.
I see her in the kitchen--
stirring, helping, laughing.
Our last meal in the dinging room,
No!
Ten years of friends around that table.
Gone.
The babies who played in the backyard,
Gone,
one by death, three by time.
Change.
Welcome change.
Forced change.
Moving on.
Not home yet.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009 2:32 PM CDT

Freakin' Hot....

A few months ago we were at a silent auction benefitting Ally's House. I bid $15 on a haircut certificate that said "You will be twice as freakin' hot!" When I called a few weeks ago to schedule my appointment, the hairdresser's assistant told me that she was in Europe. None of my previous hairdressers had assistants OR went to Europe so I knew I was in for a treat. When I sat in the chair I said, "Make me freakin' hot please." And she DID! Jennifer worked on me for over an hour. We became buddies and shared all our secrets. What fun! It was the best $15 I've ever spent :-) THEN the lady who was after me came in and told Jennifer, "Wow, that looks great. Did you do the color too?" When she found out that I have never colored my hair she was impressed, and I was flattered.

Today was much better than yesterday when I was crying in the closet. I was packing and I kept finding Anna's things that I had put away. I bagged up some more toys to take to church and I packed some things to take to Virginia. I do okay with vague memories, but specific memories really knock me for a loop. Sigh.

The day before yesterday was another good day. We had the BEST going away party ever!!!! Thank you to everyone who came. I especially enjoyed the prayer time even though being in the middle of that circle was HOT. We are not leaving for a couple more weeks so there will be more chances to say goodbye if you couldn't make the party.

So, I expect that there will be good days and hard days as we press on towards our big move. I told Audra that we were sad now because all we can see is what we are leaving behind. If we could see what was ahead we would be excited. We just have to trust that there is great joy ahead as we fulfill God's purpose for us.

Thursday, July 30, 2009 8:22 AM CDT

"He leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength..." (Psalm 23:2)

In my last entry I told you what my friend Peter said about Anna only getting to come to Kamp one time. I didn't tell you that I responded to him by saying, "Yes, that's true, but did you know that Heaven is even BETTER than K-Kauai?" It's hard for a 6 year old to picture anything better than where we are now. It's sometimes hard for a 42 year old to picture it as well. Whether I can picture it or not--I can believe it.

Here's my prayer from yesterday...

"Lord, thank you that Audra's sickness is just a memory. Thank you for what we are going to enjoy THIS day.
Anna's sickness is also a memory--although a much more painful one. Help me to move on. Show me how to take those memories with me and make them a part of me, but not let them keep me from enjoying today."

"Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, OVERWHELMING victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." (Romans 8:35, 37)

Monday, July 27, 2009 4:10 PM CDT

Kamp Konfessions...

We are at Kamp. Today is really our first full day. Audra got sick ON THE WAY TO CAMP and had to stay in our room for 24 hours after she started antibiotics. I am thankful for a doctor on site who had a supply of drugs. I am thankful that it happened the first day instead of in the middle. I am NOT thankful that she got strep for the 6th time---one month after she had her tonsils out. The doctor here said that someone in our family might be a "carrier" but not be exhibiting any symptoms. She suggested that we all get tested when we get home. Sigh.

I was playing miniature golf with Audra this afternoon. On the first hole is a plaque that says, "Anna's Clubhouse". It has her picture and her name and 1 Cor 4:18 written out. I was looking at it when a little boy walked up behind me and asked, "What does that say?" I read it to him and then told him about Anna and how she used to play in the that spot with her counselors. He turned around and yelled to his mom across the golf course, "Hey Mom, her daughter died!" Well, of course this was shocking information to yell across a golf course. I explained to his mother about Anna and it turned out that she is a liver transplant nurse and her mother and best friend died of cancer last November. We had a nice(?) talk about grief and then she hugged me. Sigh.

So yes Kamp is fun. And yes Kamp is hard. There are lots of little girls running around and I feel like my little friend Peter who told me this morning, "It's too bad Anna only got to come one time."

Thursday, July 23, 2009 8:13 AM CDT

"Though I am surrounded by troubles...The Lord will work out his plans for my life-" (Ps. 138:7-8)

I read something in Reader's Digest on the plane yesterday that said, "When you think things are falling apart, they may be falling together." What I can see looks like chaos, but I am trusting in what (and who) I cannot see.
We have been househunting the last few days. As we were contemplating our top choice (which had been on the market for 6 months) we got a call saying that someone else was making an offer that day. The timing of everything felt like God saying "Wait". Since our other house hasn't sold yet, we avoided the stress of owning two houses. Now we have the stress of moving to another state without a place to live!
We are also waiting for test results for a family member, dealing with Audra's insomnia, living between jobs (and paychecks), trying to sell the house, and going on a vacation that we paid for a year ago before we knew about our move. Whew! And yet I remember that God has been faithful to walk us through much more difficult days than these.
So I will wait for HIS plan to unfold.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 9:29 PM CDT

"It is both terrifying and wonderful to be where God has called you to go. I have learned this a few times in my life already. The best years of my life have been the hardest. The hardest decisions to make have produced the greatest rewards. The things I (and my husband and I) have chosen to do that have raised the most eyebrows are the things that have changed our lives." (fivetravelingeast.blogspot.com)

I couldn't have said it better myself!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 3:57 PM CDT

Moving list #41-43

Take books to Anna's Room at the hospital. Say goodbye to hospital.
It was easier to say goodbye to that place than I thought. I delivered the books, choked back the tears, got one last iced tea from the cafeteria, and left. I am ready for someplace new...

Finalize layout for Anna's marker.
I have sent the layout back three times already for changes. I had no idea I was so particular about monuments. When the plumber was here I told him, "You choose the faucets. I don't care." When the repair man was here I told him, "You choose the doors. I don't care." When they sent me the layout for Anna's stone I said, "The butterflies are too big. Her picture is too small. The font is not soft enough..."

Sell the house
This is actually number one on our list right now. My job is to keep it ready to show. This is a HUGE job for me because my style is "lived in". Please pray that the house sells quickly so that we will have the money we need to buy our next house. I keep reminding myself that I have trusted God with a lot bigger things than this!

Monday, July 13, 2009 9:23 AM CDT

"and He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live." (Acts 17:26)

This is the place where we live. This is the only home my kids remember. This is where Anna lived and died. It's hard to leave. And yet God promises that "Anyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life." (Matt. 19:29) Instead of focusing on what I am leaving behind, I can look forward to what is ahead.

Moving list #17-29

Vacuum and dust.

Have the kids take everything out of their closet that doesn't fit or that they hate.

Go through the piles and put back the clothes Mom likes.

Use up the food in the pantry and the freezer.

Mom--Eat the cereal that nobody likes.

Pack stuff and move it to storage unit so that the house looks bigger.

Wonder why you have so much stuff. Give stuff away to whoever comes over.

Pack Anna's clothes. Give away half of them.

Plan Anna's Blood Drive. Recruit a team to take it over since we won't be here in November.

Vacuum and dust again.

Find a dog-sitter. Wonder if my friend will ask me to keep her dog again if I ask her to keep my dog again.

Pack boxes 25-30

Hope no one comes to look at the house today since the kids just built a fort in the living room.

Friday, July 10, 2009 1:39 PM CDT

This morning on my walk I was reviewing some verses I had written down on note cards. I was excited when I found that the same verse that God used to help me through Anna's life and death is applicable to my situation today!

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

THEREFORE WE DO NOT LOSE HEART. THOUGH OUTWARDLY WE ARE WASTING AWAY,

(though outwardly we have a 'For Sale' sign in the front yard, boxes to pack, a house to find, a 20 hour car trip with 3 kids a dog and a hamster, new schools, new doctors, new everything),

YET INWARDLY WE ARE BEING RENEWED DAY BY DAY

('Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened... and you will find rest for your souls...' Matt 11:28)

FOR OUR LIGHT AND MOMENTARY TROUBLES

(Everything that seems overwhelming right now will be resolved in a matter of days, weeks, or months--compared to the storm we went through with Anna, this is mere turbulence)

ARE ACHIEVING FOR US AN ETERNAL GLORY THAT FAR OUTWEIGHS THEM ALL

(I'm not sure what the eternal glory will look like, but I do know that someday this will seem like nothing.)

SO WE FIX OUR EYES NOT ON WHAT IS SEEN

(the For Sale sign, the boxes, the cost)

BUT ON WHAT IS UNSEEN

(The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me. Ps 138:8)

FOR WHAT IS SEEN IS TEMPORARY

(the house, the car, and every dish, picture, and knick-knack that I am so carefully boxing up),

BUT WHAT IS UNSEEN IS ETERNAL

(Jesus Christ is the same yesterday today and forever. Heb 13:8)

Thursday, July 9, 2009 12:10 AM CDT

We're Moving!

We are getting ready for a new chapter in our lives as we prepare to move to Virginia. The picture above is just one of the many projects I've tackled this week. These are all the cards we got when Anna was sick and after she died. It took me three hours to sort through them and decide which ones to save. It paid off when I found an old Mother's Day card with a $25 gift card to Mardel. Later, when I was cleaning the top of the dresser I found cards for Taco Bueno, Chilis, McDonalds, Mardel, Target and 14 for Incredible Pizza. It's always nice to be rewarded for hard work!
Someone asked if I would be able to leave Anna. If I thought she was here in OKC, I could never leave! In fact before she died, I remember breaking down and telling Richard that we had to cremate Anna's body because there was no way I could ever leave her and move away. But the night she died, it was very clear to me that she was gone. She is not at the places we used to visit. She is not in the room named after her in the hospital. She is not in our house. She is not even in the cemetery. I live by faith in what I cannot see and that is that she is in Heaven. I cannot get to her by going back or by staying put---only by pressing on.
Today Audra said, "Mom, if we move, we won't be here for Anna's birthday." Of course that makes me sad, but I would be sad ANYWHERE. I told her that we could let some balloons go in Virginia, take treats to the Ronald McDonald house there, and we could still eat Mexican Stack. She nodded her head and said, "You know, you're not supposed to let balloons go because they might land in the ocean and choke a sea turtle."

Saturday, June 27, 2009 9:28 PM CDT

The garage sale is OVER!
I still have a huge pile of stuff on the porch waiting to be picked up, but I got rid of a LOT. The candles were melting and they weren't even lit! It was a very hot week for a sale, but I had my reasons. It was a busy week for everyone. Will and Audra had River Adventure camp. They spent the week boating when they weren't falling in the river. Jacob was at Falls Creek and had a great time. We went down Wednesday night and the sermon was just what we needed to hear. Today Audra went to Six Flags with her Awana's group. We are still waiting for her to get home. Richard is taking a nap before it's time to go pick her up. He is still getting over his jet lag. He never used to go to sleep at 8:30! Tomorrow we will have a belated Father's Day cookout with Richard's dad then a Sunday School ice cream party. Monday Audra is getting her tonsils out. Maybe we will all rest on Tuesday!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009 3:15 PM CDT

Shameless Free Advertising.....
I am having a HUGE garage sale tomorrow through Saturday and would LOVE everyone to come by and find something that you can't live without. I know it's too HOT to shop so Audra and Will will be selling lemonade to cool you off. I can also turn on the sprinklers if that would help.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 10:16 AM CDT

Can Never Repay...
I have a friend who stood by me throughout Anna's illness. She was always there to do whatever I needed. Often times I would pray for God to send someone for a specific need and this friend would show up. She has cleaned my house, brought me food, kept my kids and kept my dog. The night before Anna died, Richard and I were alone in the house. Someone had picked up the other kids. Someone had dropped off dinner. Someone else had raked our leaves. But late at night, we were alone. I got on my knees with Richard and begged God to send someone to pray with us. I needed Jesus "with skin on" to comfort me and encourage me. This friend was at home wondering what she could do so she baked a pie and she came--no phone call from us, just a prompting by the Holy Spirit. She helped us change the sheets. She took some last pictures of me holding Anna. She prayed with me and for me.
I owe this friend a debt I can never repay.
SO when this friend called and asked if I could keep her dog for a couple of days I said yes. It's a small dog. It's a cute dog. This would be a way for me to do something for her. Well, we got the dog yesterday morning. Evidently this dog has a thing for stuffed animals because he went into Audra's room and "marked" her animals that were on the floor. I washed a load of animals and locked the dog in the kitchen (the one that was just painted last week). Later I told Will to let the dog outside to potty. After Will put the dog back in the kitchen, he somehow escaped (he is a very small dog). He went straight up to Audra's room and "marked" another batch of animals. So I washed another load and put the dog outside. He seemed to like it out there, but he is not used to sleeping outside so when it was time for bed, I locked him in the kitchen again. He didn't care for that so he kept scratching the gate. I was afraid he would scratch the fresh paint so I put him in his crate. He didn't care for that either and was very vocal about it....for a long time. So I finally put him in bed with Will (Audra banished him from her room). Richard was back from his trip and was trying to recover a lost nights sleep. Everything was quiet. Then at 1am we woke up to barking. Will had heard scary noises (which turned out to be dog noises) and got out of bed. This little dog does not like to be in bed by himself so he barked. (Maybe he was too little to jump off the bed and go find someone.) So I put Will in Jacob's bed (Jacob is at camp) and I slept in Will's bed with the dog--who happens to be a heavy breather.
Like I said, I can never repay this friend. At least not this way....

Friday, June 19, 2009 11:49 AM CDT

My solution to the chaos at home....leave! Richard is out of town so the kids and I headed to Wichita for a few days. Hopefully the painting and repairs will be finished when we get home tomorrow. Jacob has been at the lake with my sister and her family. He told me that he learned how to wakeboard--not sure what that is exactly. The other kids and I have been doing a lot of swimming. Yesterday we went to the new Tanganyika Wildlife Park. We got to feed lorikeets, bunnies, tortoises, and lemurs. We got to pet goats and kangaroos. Audra and Will rode a camel for the first time. (I won third place in an international camel derby when I was 22 so that is enough camel riding for me to last a lifetime!) Audra's new life-goal is to work in a baby animal nursery like the one they had at the park. (I remember a similar goal when I was a girl.) Well, it's almost noon so I better go make the kids get dressed so that we can have some more fun...

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 8:07 AM CDT

It's All Garage Sale Stuff

My house is a disaster. I have been getting ready for a garage sale so I have boxes and piles of stuff to get rid of. I am also getting ready for the painter so now everything that was in my kitchen is now in boxes and piles in my living room. As I was walking through the house this morning I realized that the boxes and the piles look the same. The only difference between the stuff in my garage sale boxes and the stuff in my other boxes is time. Time erases the value of material things. They become old, out of date, break, worn out, you get too many, or the memories fade. The things I value today are going to become garage sale fodder someday--even the things with sentimental value. Someday my love letters to Richard will end up in the trash can or in an antique store. Someday someone will wonder what to do with all of the pictures of people they don't know. Audra will have her own stuff. She may not want my tea pot collection, or my hat collection, or my plate collection. Someday Anna's precious "Baby" will get tossed in a pile with a 25 cent sticker on her head by someone who doesn't recognize her value. Someday all the money I spent on clothes will be stuffed in a bag and carted off to Goodwill.
As I look around my house and try to decide what to keep and what to get rid of, I see how temporary the value of things really is.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matt 6:19-21)

Friday, June 12, 2009 3:47 PM CDT

Packing suitcases
Having house guests
Taking a trip
Preparing the kitchen for the painter by getting EVERYTHING out of the cabinets
Getting ready for a garage sale
Stuff everywhere
Living life
Hanging on
Doing the next thing
Laughing
Yelling
Being thankful
Rejoicing always
Praying continually

Busy days
Hectic days
Waiting days
Wanting to know what's around the corner days
Having to be content with only being able to see the next step days
Trusting God days

Tuesday, June 9, 2009 9:49 AM CDT

During the last Olympics we watched the marathoners when they finished their race. As they entered the stadium you could hear the crowd rise to their feet and cheer on the runners. It reminded us of Heaven and how someday we will finish our race to the cheers of a great crowd of witnesses. What a great day that will be for us!
A few weeks ago Jacob ran a half-marathon. Richard waited for him at the finish line. He told me how exciting it was to cheer on all the runners as they crossed over. "You did it!", "Way to go!", "Great job!" But as the time came when he thought Jacob should be finishing, he found himself looking for him, watching for him. It was great to cheer for everyone, but he really wanted to see Jacob cross the line.
Then he started to think of Anna and how she is part of that crowd in Heaven. She rejoices with everyone who enters. "You did it!" "Way to go!", "Great job!" But someday it will be time for us to finish our race. She will be watching, looking, waiting for us to cross the line. What a great day that will be for her!

Saturday, June 6, 2009 10:15 AM CDT

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I could never make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
The One who's gone before me
Will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
The One who's gone before me
Will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

(Third Day, Mountain of God)

Thursday, June 4, 2009 7:47 AM CDT

Happy Birthday Jacob and Audra!
Today is a big day at our house. This year is different because Jacob is at camp so Audra has the day to herself. Right now we are listening to her new Adventure in Odyssey CD and sporting egg-white face masks--her choice. This afternoon we will see a movie and then it's time for the big party. Whew! Hopefully Jacob will have a great day as well.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009 8:47 AM CDT

Thank you to everyone who left messages Friday on this website and on Facebook. Thank you also to those of you who brought Dum Dums for me to take to the hospital. There is now a bottomless basket of Dum Dums in the Ronald McDonald Family Room. Thank you to Lydia for the butterfly plate and Katie for the butterfly balloons. Thank you to Sueanna for the roses you left on the front porch. Thank you to the friends who came and ate Mexican Stack with us. Thank you for remembering my girl with me!

Saturday, May 30, 2009 9:51 AM CDT

Yesterday was hard. I cried on my walk. I cried in the car. I cried at the cemetery. I cried in the hospital parking garage. I cried in the Ronald McDonald Family Room. I cried in the hallway outside the cafeteria. I cried at Java Dave's. By the time we had a few friends over for cake and Mexican Stack, I felt like a wrung-out dish rag. I was SO ready to go to bed!

This is my theme song for today. Having and losing Anna has definitely changed me. But I don't just want to STAY changed; I want to KEEP changing.

I wrote a letter today
And what I wrote
Was my own obituary
Cause from the graveyard of self
You have resurrected me

I sing Je-sus
You have changed the way I do everything
You have changed the way I see everything

With You I begin
Everyday the same
And I’m gonna drink deep
That is why I came
Cause Truth is a river flowing
Renewal for your mind
Let it set your heart free
The way that it did mine

I sing Je-sus
You have changed the way I do everything
You have changed the way I see everything

Looked in the mirror today
And what I saw was not the same as yesterday
Cause more and more You’re transforming and rearranging me

You have changed the way I do everything
You have changed the way I wear my wedding ring
You have changed the way I treat my family
You have changed the way I see all my friends
You have changed the way that I spend my time
You have changed the way that I use my mind
You have changed the things I spend money on
You have changed everything I ever thought was mine
You have changed my emotions
You have steadied me
You have changed my eyes and what I let them see
You have changed the course of my history
Thank God You’re still changing me!

("Change", by Phil Joel)

Friday, May 29, 2009 5:57 AM CDT

Thursday, May 28, 2009 9:01 AM CDT

(To Mom from Anna.....)

I wanted to tell you how closely I've kept
The memories of you in my heart
And all of the lifetimes that we had to share
Live even though we're apart
But don't cry for me
'Cause I'm finally free

To run with the angels
On streets made of gold
To listen to stories of saints new and old
To worship our Maker
That's where I'll be
When you finally find me

Now don't you be weary, cause waiting for you
Are wonders that you've never known
Just hold on to Jesus, reach out for his hands
And one day He will welcome you home
And that's when you'll be
Finally free

To run with the angels
On streets made of gold
To listen to stories of saints new and old
To worship our Maker
That's where I'll be
When you finally find me

I Wish You Were Here, I wish you were here

And all of the dreams that you treasure
Will soon come together
And that's when your sorrow will find tomorrow
And you will rise again

We'll run with the angels on streets made of gold
We'll listen to stories of saints new and old
We'll worship our maker that's where we'll be
When you finally find me

I wish you were here

(Mark Harris, "I Wish You Were Here")

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 6:17 AM CDT

Anna's birthday is in two more days. Last year several people were kind enough to give me gifts. If you would like to do something this year, please consider giving Dum Dums. I thought it would be fun for the kids and I to take a generous supply of Dum Dums (or other snacks) up to the Ronald McDonald Family Room on Friday.
Poor Jacob is in the middle of finals while the rest of us are enjoying our time off. He will be headed to Super Summer next week at OBU so if he can just make it through three more days....
The ENT scheduled Audra for a tonsillectomy at the end of June. Will is "penciled in" on the same day, but he may or may not need surgery. His tonsils are abnormally large, but unless they are interfering with his breathing while he is asleep, there is no need to remove them at this point. I am supposed to be watching him while he sleeps to see if he has episodes of apnea.
Yesterday after we were ushered into the doctor's office Audra asked me, "Will we have to pee in a cup?" Will said, "I hope so because I have to go to the bathroom bad."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009 1:09 PM CDT

The picture above was taken yesterday at the cemetery. I usually don't cry there, but when I took this picture, I thought, "This is the closest I can get to having a picture of all four of my kids." That thought released the floodgates. Meanwhile Will was oblivious to what was going on (must have been the dark sunglasses I was wearing). Richard tried to get him to stop asking me questions and finally said, "Will, just talk to yourself for a little while!"
But that was yesterday. I wanted to show you some more recent pics of what is going on. Last night Will and Audra set up camp in the backyard (see photo page). Unfortunately it rained last night so this morning they had to set their camp up in the garage. You can't see all of the details, but you can get an idea of the fun they are having. I love summer! They probably both need baths, but why? Hopefully they don't smell too bad since we have an appointment with the ENT to look at their tonsils this afternoon. Maybe we will get a two-fer. They are so good together, I think they would find a way to make even their recovery fun.

Monday, May 25, 2009 12:58 AM CDT

We had a great trip to Wichita this weekend. Even though we were only there one full day, we managed to squeeze in a trip to the park, a visit to the zoo, shopping at the candy store, boating on the lake, and a cookout with my aunt and uncle. My kids love going to Wichita!
Today is Memorial Day. I remember Anna every day, but today I feel like I should go to the cemetery to make sure everyone else knows I remember. I was at the grocery store this morning getting hot dogs and other supplies for our cookout. While I was there, I saw a butterfly balloon that I thought would be nice to take with us to the gravesite. After I got it and attached it to my cart, I got all choked up thinking about buying it for my daughter's grave. It is very hard to use coupons when you are crying. At least two people asked if they could help me as I wandered the aisles trying to get myself together. By the time I checked out, I was fine.
So today, I will remember. And tomorrow, I will remember. And the next day, I will still remember.

Friday, May 22, 2009 10:30 AM CDT

First Day of Summer....
So far Audra has been able to mark two things off of her summer "To Do" list. I went to Sams yesterday to get raspberries. Another lady was also looking for them, but I got there first... and there was ONE package left. Now usually I would be the one to say, "You go ahead and take them." After all, I don't even eat raspberries. But yesterday I grabbed them and whipped that list out of my purse and showed it to the lady. I said, "I have to have these. They are on my daughter's list!" Audra was very happy and very grateful when she got home from school. I love that it doesn't take much to make her happy.
She was also very happy that I told her she could have a friend spend the night. Unfortunately, at 2am no one was happy when she came into our room and told us she couldn't sleep with her friend in the room. I made up a palate on our floor and she slept until 9am. Unfortunately her friend woke up at 6am! Jacob has a friend who does that too, so next time we will invite both of them at the same time so that they will have someone to play with until my kids wake up!

Always...
I listened to this song this morning. As I looked at Anna's picture on the refrigerator, I could put myself in the first woman's shoes. Praise God that even when all my hope was gone, he gave me a new hope--one that will last always.

I was standing in the pouring rain
One dark November night,
Fighting off the bitter cold
When she caught my eye.
Her face was torn and her eyes were filled
And then to my surprise,
She pulled out a photograph
And my heart just stopped inside.
She said, "He would have been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face"
What was I supposed to say?

But I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

He was living in a broken world dreaming of a home
His heart was barely keeping pace
When I found him all alone.
Remembering the way he felt
When his daddy said goodbye,
Fighting just to keep the tears
And the anger locked inside.
He's barely holding on to faith
But deliverance is on its way.

'Cuz I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

Friend I don't know where you are
And I don't know where you've been
Maybe you're fighting for your life
Or just about to throw the towel in
But if you're crying out for mercy
If there's no hope left at all
If you've given everything you've got
And you're still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on

Cuz I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
Always, Always
He will be with you always

("Always", Building 429)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009 12:48 AM CDT

I have a special treat for you today. Yesterday Audra gave me her summer "To Do" list. Read it and remember what it was like to be nine years old and have a whole summer ahead of you...

1. Go to K-Kauai (our family vacation)
2. Go to Cross Timbers (our church kids camp)
3. Have sleep-overs
4. Go to the pool
5. Go horse-back riding
6. Get Webkinz (a brand of stuffed animal that she collects)
7. Play with Webkinz
8. Make a Webkinz playland
9. Write a story
10. Finish a story
11. Watch movies
12. Make something
13. Make some money
14. Spray paint my hair
15. Eat raspberries
16. Sleep outside
17. Stay up until morning
18. Eat pizza
19. Paint
20. Grow flowers
21. Go camping
22. Go to the beach (I hope a lake will be good enough!)
23. Get a tan
24. Build a sandcastle
25. Play in the sprinklers
26. Go to a water park
27. Go boating
28. Eat ice-cream

I hope your summer is filled with ice-cream, raspberries, and fun!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009 10:02 AM CDT

I was surprised by my response to ordering Anna's marker yesterday. It didn't seem to phase me. I felt relieved that the process was finally set in motion. I even treated myself to a Big Gulp of tea when I left the monument store. I felt good.
It didn't hit me until this morning. I had just gone to Home Depot and purchased 10 bags of mulch. I was headed to the lake for my walk and I just LOST IT. I had a flash back to when Anna had her aneurysm. She was screaming in pain and saying, "Do something!" At the time, I didn't know what was happening. I didn't know what to do.
When I think of all the ways she suffered in her short life, I can hardly stand it. Today I pulled over and sobbed, "I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry..."
I had to let the emotion and the stress drain out of me.
If you are grieving, the best thing you can do when those waves of emotion come is to lean into them and let them wash over you. Don't avoid the pain. Feel it. If you do this, the wave will wash over you and then be gone. When it's over, you can pick yourself back up and go on.
Last week in my quiet time God told me "Do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" (Is 43:18) It doesn't mean I have to forget Anna. I could never do that, but I don't have to dwell on her pain. I don't have to continually relive the horrors of her death. It is finished.

Monday, May 18, 2009 4:00 PM CDT

We did it! We finally got Anna's grave marker ordered. It feels good to get that done. Hopefully it will be ready by November 25 (the second anniversary of her death). They have to order the black granite from CHINA.
If you gave us any money while Anna was sick, we put it into a separate account for her expenses. We are now using that money to pay for the marker. I can never thank everyone enough for all of the gifts we received over the years. I can only try to bless others the way we were blessed.

Sunday, May 17, 2009 1:32 PM CDT

We are back from our Eureka Springs mini-vacation. If anyone needs a short get-away, we would recommend the Evening Shade Inn. We must be getting old because we enjoyed sitting on the front porch watching for hummingbirds. We also liked having lunch on the train and just walking around town. We will pick up the pace this summer when we do the the ropes course, zip line, water skiing, canoeing and water slides on our next vacation. This weekend Richard and I stayed in "first gear" and it was RELAXING.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 4:40 PM CDT

My uncle called to check on me. He doesn't usually call. He lives in another state. But because I hadn't updated the website in a few days he thought he should make sure everything was okay. His wife was just diagnosed with something with a long name that I've never heard of and is very bad.....but he called to check on me.
I am doing fine--just the normal, every-day issues---nothing life or death and for that I am thankful. Richard is taking me to Eureka Springs tomorrow as part of my birthday present. We haven't been away together in a long time so I am looking forward to it. The kids will be well taken care of by Sittie and Pop.
Anna's birthday is coming up later this month. I'm not sure how to celebrate it. I can't believe that she would be seven. I will always think of her as 5. I will not cry for her, just for me. I'm sure we will eat at Taco Bueno at some point during the day. Okay, now the wheels are turning and the ideas are coming.... I think an ice cream party is definitely in our future. I still have several pounds of maraschino cherries in my garage refrigerator. I wonder if they are still good? Maybe we will visit the butterfly farm.... Mexican stack?..... 7-11?.....

Saturday, May 9, 2009 9:09 PM CDT

To me, living is for Christ, and dying is even better. Yet if I live, that means fruitful service for Christ. I really don't know which is better. I'm torn between two desires: Sometimes I want to live, and sometimes I long to go and be with Christ. That would be far better for me, but it is better for you that I live. (Phil. 1:21-24)

(Lord, on days when the pain is so great that I want to die, I need to remember that to live means fruitful service for Christ. It would be easier for me to die, but it is better for ________ that I live.)

I am excited when I think of the fruitful service that God has prepared in advance for me to do. Yes, there have been times when I have wanted to escape my pain and enter an eternity with no more tears... and yet I LIVE. My life has meaning and purpose TODAY.

Friday, May 8, 2009 7:29 PM CDT

Today's quote from Audra (on the bus headed to Norman to visit the Sam Noble Museum):

"This is too far to go without a book."

That's my girl!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009 7:09 PM CDT

Conversation with Will...

We were playing Two-Square in the garage after school (it was raining outside). Will said, "Is this more fun than when you are home by yourself?"
Later he said, "This is a perfect night.....you are playing Two-Square with me, American Idol is on, we are having chicken spaghetti for dinner, and NO BATH!"
Yep, pretty much a perfect day.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009 9:31 AM CDT

Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to rid my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

well i will walk by faith
even when i cannot see
because this broken road
prepares your will for me

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

(Jeremy Camp, Walk by Faith)

Monday, May 4, 2009 9:59 AM CDT

I support our local library. I mean I literally support our library. It seems like we owe a fine every time I go to check out more books. Sometimes I'll check all the kids' cards before I go to find out who owes the least. Why am I so irresponsible? I have kids that's why. This morning Audra brought me a book that has been missing for months. It was under her bed in a bag. I think I might have given up on it and paid for it, but I'm not sure. When she brought it to me she said, "Do you think anyone is waiting for this book (they know you can't recheck books if someone has them on reserve), because I haven't finished it yet."

Funny Story--
Last week we were having dinner at a friend's house and we were playing the high/low game. Audra said that her low was getting a B in math. My friend said, "I remember when I got my first B in math......it was the happiest day of my life." HA

Sunday, May 3, 2009 3:55 PM CDT

I struggled with yesterday's post. I wanted to share and yet I was afraid it would come off as prideful--as if I was saying, "look what I did". I hope it didn't come across that way. I wanted to show how wonderful it is to allow God to use you. All I did was show up in a place where God could use me. God did the rest.
This is what my friend Leigh wrote in response,

"That is incredible!! Wow. How could you have ever predicted or orchestrated a day like that? Only God!

And I know what you mean about how great it is to be able to comfort someone else. Didn't you feel.... I don't really know what word I'm searching for here... "right" is the closest I can come to. Didn't it feel right to know you've been there and be able to offer encouragement or just to be there to listen and not say a word except "I know how you feel... it sucks."

In the very few times that's happened to me, I've felt like what you said... that my suffering isn't being wasted.

For that to happen so many times in one day is truly a gift from God. He orchestrated that day for YOU, Marlo.... using you for His glory... Amazing!!"

Saturday, May 2, 2009 1:19 PM CDT

"And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." (Luke 22:32)

That was the verse I wrote in my journal yesterday morning. It was just the right verse for the day that followed.
I am not on a regular volunteer schedule right now because I was always having to switch days because of the kids' schedules/activities. Now I am a sub and I fill in when they need me. I was so excited to get "the call" to go in yesterday. I really do love the time I spend in the Family Room and especially the time I spent yesterday.
When I got there I helped a young couple check out of Anna's Room. I told them that I hoped they had been able to get some rest. They commented on how pretty the room was and I said, "Thank you. I helped decorate this one." It was such a blessing to be able to meet someone who had used the room!

Next I called a friend to get an address for a thank you note. My friend was in her car trying to psych herself up to come to the hospital to see a little girl who is not doing well. This particular friend has done this many times, but it is never easy. She asked if I would go with her and I said that I would. So we went to the ICU where my friend whispered sweet things in little "M's" ear while I talked with the family. I put my number in the mom's cell phone in case she wanted to talk later, then I prayed for everyone in the room--that the Lord would give M peaceful, happy thoughts and take away any fear that she might have and that he would remind her mom and dad that they are not alone and grant them peace....

Then another lady recognized my friend and she followed us into the hallway to tell us about her son. He is in remission from cancer, but he has been in ICU with pneumonia for weeks. Her family lives one hour away. She is all alone up there day after day hoping for some improvement. Hoping her son will be able to go home someday. What could we do to help?
I did her laundry.

Later, while I was eating lunch, a mom came in and sat down at the end of the table. Her daughter was diagnosed with cancer three days ago. The girl was in surgery and her parents had come to the Family Room to get something to eat. She was crying. I got up, put my arm around her shoulder and said, "I only have two things to say to you right now. One--take one day at a time. Two--it's not all bad. It's a hard road, but there is good mixed in. You just have to look for it sometimes. One of the good things you will find is that you are stronger than you think."

I was SO blessed by the chance to help someone else today. It really is the best anti-depressant I know of. Thank you Lord for using me today.

Thursday, April 30, 2009 1:58 PM CDT

I have never shared this particular lesson because I'm not sure that many people will "get it". The following was taken from an email I sent a friend going through a similar circumstance back in December of 2006.

"Dear Leigh,
There were so many things that spoke to me on Sunday. The lesson in Sunday school was from Ezekiel. I was sitting in on the 5th-6th grade class and I'm quite sure that none of them heard what I heard.....'Eat what I give you.'

Ezekiel 2:8 'Open your mouth, and eat what I give you.' 9 Then I looked and saw a hand reaching out to me, and it held a scroll. 10 He unrolled it, and I saw that both sides were covered with funeral songs, other words of sorrow, and pronouncements of doom.
3:1 The voice said to me, 'Son of man, eat what I am giving you....' 2 So I opened my mouth, and he fed me the scroll. 3 'Eat it all,' he said. And when I ate it, it tasted as sweet as honey.

The words of that verse were ringing in my ear.... 'eat what I give you'.
Then I went to the service and they were talking about Joseph. Obviously what Joseph faced did not look very good to him--a pregnant fiance, scorn, shame, but after he submitted to God's plan, he said, 'How foolish I would have been if I had missed out on all this.' Joseph 'ate' what God gave him and was blessed by it.
Then the sermon was on pleasing God and accepting his plan for our lives even if it's not what we want. (Obvious implications for our circumstances there.)
After church we went to the hospital Christmas party and my oldest son did not get what he wanted from Santa. He did not hide his feelings at all--pouting, tears, etc. I was mad at him until I saw the spiritual implications.
I had actually picked out his gift. It was something I thought he would like. If my son's focus would have been on pleasing me, it wouldn't have mattered if he had gotten socks. He would have been glad.
I need to focus on pleasing God, not on what he has given me. If my focus is on getting what I want (healing), then I will be like my son was if I don't get it. I have to trust that God has a plan and he has picked this (cancer) out for me for a reason.
I am trusting that God can make even 'funeral songs, words of sorrow, and pronouncements of doom' taste sweet. I don't know how... I can't know how until I 'eat' it."

Today I have "eaten" funeral songs, sorrow, and doom. I am still learning how God can take something tragic and make something good. I have tasted sweetness mixed with the bitterness. I will continue to say yes to God because I don't want to miss out on anything he has for me.

Monday, April 27, 2009 9:34 AM CDT

Yesterday was a whirlwind.
I wished Jacob luck as he and Richard left at 5am for the OKC Memorial Marathon. (Jacob ran the half-marathon.) Then I went back to bed because I am basically lazy and after all---it was my birthday! When I woke up I thought about checking the computer to see if I had any bday messages, but I decided I would see what God had to say to me first. I was glad I did! (see yesterday's post) Then I scrambled to get Audra and Will ready so that we could meet Sittie and Pop at Panera. Of course we were running late (because I forgot that I had to pack our lunch) so we had a quick breakfast before hurrying to church because it was our week to be greeters. After church we rushed downtown. Richard was worried about the traffic because of the marathon, Arts Festival, and the Lion King all taking place downtown yesterday, so we ate sandwiches in the car for lunch. I did talk him into stopping at Sonic for our drinks though. As I was eating in the car, I kept saying, "Thank you for my birthday drink." Ha Ha. We got to the show in plenty of time and the Lion King was.....WOW! It was a feast for the eyes. FANTASTIC! When it was over we rushed home, opened presents, changed clothes and then went back to church to lead GriefShare. When we finally got home and relaxed, I was able to start using my NEW PHONE! Okay, it's not fancy because I just wanted the free one that came with the new plan, but it "flips" AND I have unlimited texting, Yea! Jacob had to help me figure out how to use it. Even though he tells us he is the only kid in 7th grade without a phone, he knows how to use one.
Beside the phone, the show tickets, the butterfly cookies (which I have to pick up today because they were too busy to make them this weekend), Richard also gave me the Xanadu DVD. I was mildly obsessed with Olivia Newton John as a child. (Okay, I admit that I wanted to be adopted by her.) I have the tape of the Xanadu soundtrack that I listen to OCCASIONALLY/RARELY. Apparently Richard thought it would be fun to relive the glory days of roller disco with our children on our next movie night. I'm sure Audra and Will will find it fascinating. Jacob will tolerate it for my sake and Richard will probably find a reason to work late!
It was a good day, and good is......good!

Update 5pm....
Evidently Audra also knows how to use a cell phone. Now when it rings I hear, "Note to self, please buy Audra a pony."

Sunday, April 26, 2009 7:23 AM CDT

I have REALLY been struggling with that "missing" feeling. I think it started this week when I was walking behind a lady carrying a little girl who was wearing flip flops. She had her little toes curled up to keep the shoes on her feet. I used to carry Anna on my hip and she had to hold her feet that way to keep her green flip flops from falling off. When I remember Anna in a general way it is not nearly as painful as when I remember specific details. I guess the details make her more real...less of a memory.
I remember celebrating my birthday with her two years ago, so birthdays remind me of my loss. Sigh.

BUT this morning I woke up wondering what God had to say to me today and this is what I read....

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee." (Is 26:3)

"All we need to do in times of sorrow and loneliness is to stay our minds upon God, to trust Him, to rest in Him...
When you mourn, 'The Lord hath taken away,' do not forget the first part of the verse, 'The Lord gave'; and above all, do not forget the close, 'Blessed be the name of the Lord.'"
(M. Cowman, Consolations)

So whenever that missing feeling comes, I need to "stay my mind".
(Lord, I trust you. I am hurting. I don't like what has happened, but I trust your perfect plan. I submit to your will. I trust that you have a future and a hope that is beyond anything I can ask or imagine. I will wait for your glory to be revealed.)
And I will remember, not that Anna was taken away, but that she was given to me in the first place.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Saturday, April 25, 2009 9:08 PM CDT

Today I risked sending myself "over the edge" by watching the birthday DVD my friend made me two years ago. I wanted to hear Anna sing me Happy Birthday. So good to hear her voice. So painful to hear her voice...
Audra gave me an early birthday tea party. She made real tea and little pepperoni sandwiches. We used one of our special tea pots...so sweet.
I also got an early present from Sittie and Pop. They put flowers in the big pots on my front porch. They are beautiful. It's a perfect gift that I get to enjoy until next winter!
The kids are in bed and I am waiting for Richard to get home from buying my present. He has been gone a LONG time. I guess I asked for something complicated. I'll let you know tomorrow if I get it...

Friday, April 24, 2009 10:30 AM CDT

I know many of you have seen these, but I wanted to pass along some of my favorite video clips.

This one gives me chills. If you need a LIFT this morning watch this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

If you want to be INSPIRED this morning watch this...

http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/570/99-Balloons

If you need a LAUGH and a LESSON this morning, watch this...

http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/22/An-Ant-Parable

If you just need a LAUGH...

http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/571/Boys-and-Grills

ENJOY!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009 9:33 AM CDT

High Maintenance?

My birthday is this Sunday. Richard will be gone most of the weekend at a men's retreat. So, last night when he asked, "What kind of birthday cake would you like?", I thought I would make it easy on him so I said, "Oh, I don't want a cake. I would just like some decorated sugar cookies. I think they come from a bakery located on May Avenue....butterflies would be nice." He just looked at me and then burst out laughing. I think it would have been easier on him if I had just said, "chocolate".

Tuesday, April 21, 2009 9:29 AM CDT

This was my conversation with God this morning on my walk.
For some reason when I'm walking and start listing things I'm thankful for, I always begin with "Thank you for legs that work." I don't have the most beautiful legs in the world, but they work. I think about Joni E. Tada who is paralyzed from the neck down, and say to myself, "Joni can't do this. I don't want to take it for granted." Being able to walk is a little thing, but it becomes HUGE when you realize what a gift it is.
That led to...
"Thank you for a messy house." I have a friend who lives by herself so her house doesn't get messy like mine does. I don't want to take it for granted.
"Thank you for my sons." A friend of mine lost her only son. I don't want to take my boys for granted.
"Thank you that I still have a daughter." Another friend lost her only daughter. I don't want to take Audra for granted.
"Thank you for my husband." I learned of four friends this week who have gotten divorces. I don't want to take my marriage for granted.
"Thank you for a car that runs." It still has a big dent in the side from the parking garage at the Relay for Life, but it can seat my kids and six of their friends. I don't want to take my car for granted.
"Thank you that we get to live by a beautiful lake." It's not on any maps and Jacob can run around it in an hour, but it's just right to still my soul and provide a sanctuary for me to talk to God. I don't want to take where I live for granted.

"Lord, replace my critical spirit with a thankful heart. Open my eyes to what I have so that I won't take anything you've given me for granted."

Thursday, April 16, 2009 11:38 AM CDT

How blessed beyond all measure...

I received this email this morning in response to my post yesterday.

Marlo,
I just wanted to let you know that I still think of all of you so often. I wonder how you are doing and wish to see you again, but I also think that it might be painful to all of us. This year as I thought about Easter and what it all means and how amazing the whole story is, I am unable to put into words any kind of description of God's love for us. I also have some strange feelings of guilt which I find hard to explain. I think of all of you and my special princess, Anna. As I have told you in the past, Anna didn't make me a better nurse, she made me a better person. Through her and all of you, I came back to Christ. I grew stronger in my trust and love for our Lord. But I feel guilty in a way. I wonder if you were sent to Delaware for me? Did you and Anna suffer because of people like me? I wonder if these things are true. Why would God allow you suffer for someone like me? I feel guilty and sad that you have suffered while I was given so much. I hope that you can understand what I am trying to say. Please always know that I believe that knowing you has been a true blessing and a gift to me.

This was my response...

Did I suffer for you? I don't know. Maybe I did. Maybe I did suffer to point you to Christ. If so, don't feel guilty. It wasn't something you asked for or were seeking. It's like Jesus. He suffered for ALL of us. We didn't ask for it. We didn't know we needed it, but he did it. I am NOT like Jesus. I didn't suffer by choice. We didn't choose Delaware as a mission field. We just muddled through the best we could--and somehow God used that. I wrote in my journal this morning..."Lord, someday the suffering we went through will pale in comparison to the glory that will be revealed." I believe that. I believe that someday I will stand amazed at what God has accomplished through our suffering and then I will rejoice that we suffered. I'm not there yet, but I trust that someday this will all make sense and every tear will be wiped away. There are times when it is hard to wait for that day, but that's because I lose my eternal focus and start focusing on the here and now. If I have trouble waiting for my birthday and Christmas, how can I patiently wait for God's glory to be revealed?
No, don't feel guilty. If it's true that God used us to reach you, feel loved.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009 9:57 PM CDT

"For my determined purpose is to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings..." (Phil. 3:10)

Lord, you have chosen Christians to suffer; to be "given over to death for Jesus' sake" so that His life may be revealed in our bodies. Jesus' life was revealed in Anna's "jar of clay" and in ours as we are being renewed day by day and looking forward to an eternal glory that far outweighs these "light and momentary troubles." Lord, you are using people to proclaim your power and goodness--not pastors and missionaries--but hurting people who are trusting you for their salvation. You prepared in advance for our family to point people to you through suffering. I see this happening over and over with other families. Therefore we should "not be surprised at the painful trial (we) are suffering...But rejoice that (we) participate in the sufferings of Christ so that (we) may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed." (1Pet. 4:12-13)

Monday, April 13, 2009 9:02 AM CDT

I have a hard time asking for things. I don't mind making requests in writing (which is why I do so much of my communication on the computer), but it really stresses me out to ask for things face-to-face. After Anna died, I avoided any situation in which my request might possibly be denied. I knew I would burst into tears if a salesperson said that I couldn't return something or even if a babysitter was busy the night I needed her. I am handling it better, but apparently it's still one of my "triggers". This weekend I took a butterfly balloon to the Dollar Tree to have it refilled with helium. Some friends gave us the balloon on the anniversary of Anna's death. I thought it would be nice to have it floating again for Easter. I didn't anticipate any problems. When I asked the clerk to fill it, he said, "Well, the manager will probably charge you for it." I said that was fine. He had to ask the manager who came over and looked at the balloon. I told him that I didn't mind paying a dollar to have it filled. He said, "Well, I think that will be two dollars because it's so big." I sputtered, "That's fine...but I'm not even getting a balloon." When the manager left, my eyes filled with tears. I told the clerk why the balloon was special. The clerk felt sorry for me and didn't charge me anything...I think. I just grabbed my change (I had bought some other stuff for the kids' baskets) and hurried out before I burst into full-fledged crying. My wailing in the car was not, "He wanted two dollars!", but instead it was, "My daughter died! My daughter died!"
I guess those feelings are there beneath the surface. I don't see that side of my grief very often anymore. I'm usually more reflective and hopeful. I guess when that "scab" gets picked off, the raw edges are exposed.
I'm still healing.
I'm still grieving.
I'm still striving to press on.
I'm still hopeful.
I'm still hurting.
I'm still here.

Sunday, April 12, 2009 5:41 PM CDT

"He is risen."
"He is risen indeed!"

I read this morning, "On Easter, give your grief a holiday." Today is a day to celebrate life. We celebrate the resurrection and we celebrate Anna's new life.
After church, we celebrated with friends and family. We had a family from Nigeria come over for lunch. They had never colored eggs before. It was so much fun to introduce them to that tradition.
Thank you Lord for friends, family, laughter, and a reason to celebrate.

Saturday, April 11, 2009 1:11 PM CDT

I was thinking about what it was like for Jesus' friends and family the day after he died. The Bible doesn't have much to say about it. I think the reason there isn't anything written about that day is because the disciples probably didn't remember it. I don't remember much about the days following Anna's death. I cannot tell you what I did that first night.
I think I can picture what it must have been like for the disciples...
They were all together in a locked room. They were in shock. They were full of regret. They wished they had done something different. They felt sick to their stomachs. They couldn't eat. They were afraid of what would happen to them. They couldn't sleep. Every time they closed their eyes they saw Jesus on the cross, Jesus being beaten, or any number of traumatic images burned in their heads. They cried. They were forbidden from doing anything because of the Sabbath, so they sat. There was nothing to do now anyway. It was too late.
The women waited as long as they could and finally took their spices to the tomb. They couldn't sleep. They had to do something. They didn't know that Easter was coming....

Friday, April 10, 2009 8:26 AM CDT

Today is Good Friday. I would like to skip today and go straight to Sunday. Today is a day to focus on the suffering and death of Jesus. I hate suffering and death!
I read this morning in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for everything....a time to die, a time to weep, a time to mourn.
Today is that time.
I don't like it.
I want to get past it.
I want to "fast forward".
Praise God that there is also a time to be born, a time to laugh, and a time to dance. Can you have one without the other? Can you have joy if you have never felt pain?
I don't think so.
So today I will focus on the sadness and grief that is associated with Easter, so that on Sunday I can fully appreciate the time for joyful celebration.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009 9:07 AM CDT

Missing Feeling....

Anna used to tell us that she had a "missing" feeling. We never did figure out what that meant. Now we are left with a "missing" feeling. God's word and his promises help me grieve with hope, but they don't take away the missing.
It's like when Jacob goes to camp. I miss him. I miss his presence in our home. I miss touching him. I miss talking to him. At the same time, I'm happy for him. I am excited about what he is experiencing. I am comforted by knowing who he is with. I am secure that I will see him again. But I still miss him.
It's the same with Anna. I miss her presence in our home. I miss touching her. I miss talking to her. At the same time, I'm happy for her. I am excited about what she is experiencing. I am comforted by knowing who she is with. I am secure that I will see her again. But I still miss her.
The missing will always be there, but so will the comfort.

Terrible Tooth Fairy....

I am a terrible tooth fairy. Sometimes my kids teeth have been left under their pillows for days. This time the tooth was in the kitchen for weeks before Will remembered to put it under his pillow. Last night it was finally in place and he told me that he hoped the tooth fairy would bring an "old gold dollar coin." I felt very smug because I happened to have a Susan B. Anthony coin in my purse. This morning when I went to wake him up, I realized that I had forgotten to play the game. I ran downstairs, grabbed the dollar, and tried to slip it under Will's pillow without him noticing. He said, "I saw you put your hand under my pillow." I said, "No you didn't." He said, "Yes I did. You were trying to distract me by talking to me, but I saw you." He is too smart for me. Luckily, he was so happy with his coin, he didn't care where it came from.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009 8:58 AM CDT

"Happy Easteter!!!!"

That's what the banner hanging in my kitchen says. Audra, Will, and Anna made it two years ago. Audra must have been distracted when she was writing the letters. I think the misspelling makes it EXTRA special. Another special part are the crosses Anna drew on one end of the banner. She knew the meaning of Easter!
I remember last year, after months of grieving and focusing on death, I longed for the hope of Easter. Because Jesus is alive, there is hope--not just hope that I will see Anna again, but hope for an abundant life here on earth and an eternal life in Heaven.

Friday, April 3, 2009 9:55 AM CDT

Yesterday was a day of joy and feasting (mostly on cookies!) The room turned out better than I could have imagined. Everything was beautiful and perfect. I posted lots of pictures on the Anna's Room website. (http://www.annajanesroom.blogspot.com/)
Richard and I feel a sense of completion now that the playground and hospital room are finished. Thank you to everyone who donated to either of those projects in Anna's memory.

Thursday, April 2, 2009 8:49 AM CDT

"May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in Him."

That is the quote that is on the wall in Anna's Room. There was some question earlier in the week as to whether or not we would be allowed to leave it up, but we were happy to find out yesterday that it has been "approved". Yea!
Today is the big day. Anna's grandparents and aunt are here to help us celebrate the grand opening of Anna's Room. I am anxious to see the finished product. I know Laura was working late into the night to finish everything.

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup, You have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." (Psalm 16:5-6)

"When all is said and done, (we) will see that the portion God assigned (us) was good. Right. Rich. Full of purpose."

"Here you are, Beloved, Satan tried to destroy you along your life's path, but clearly, he didn't get his way. You're still standing, aren't you? Instead of falling apart, your lines are all starting to fall together. Piece by piece. Glimpse by glance. What a beautiful inheritance you have!
Once you wrap your mind around the favor God has had on you and the richness of the portion He assigned to you even through disaster, you can't help but share your portion with others....Oh, that we'd wake up to the goodness of our God and the crushing defeat of our enemy! The day we do will be 'a day of joy and feasting...'"
(Beth Moore, "Esther" p208)

Lord, may today be a day of joy and feasting. I trust that you have made my lot secure and that the portion you have assigned me is right, rich, and full of purpose.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009 6:40 AM CDT

I am so sure we have never fully comprehended all that is coming back to us! I wonder how the angels can endure our lack of faith. We do not act so in regard to the spring; we know it will come back, and we say to the March winds, "Blow on; your time is short! April and May are coming." But, alas! We do not act that way about the winter of the heart. We put on our mourning, and we look and act as if it were all gone forever; when, instead of that, spring is coming back, and the voices of nature, and the look of nature, all say, "Resurrection! Resurrection!" We do not heed. Our eyes are too dim with weeping; we have been so accustomed to looking down instead of looking up, that we do not see God's face or hear His voice in nature all around us.
Now, this month, with the beautiful Easter in it, calls for hope; and will you not leave your tombs of sorrow and come forth to life and usefulness? We must leave our graveclothes and let others say of us in our measure, "She is risen! She is alive; a new creature!"

(Mrs. Charles Cowman, "Consolation" pub. 1946)

Tuesday, March 31, 2009 8:52 AM CDT

Yuck!

This morning I was brushing my teeth when Richard came into the bathroom. He said, "Where's my toothbrush?" I pointed to the two that were still in the holder. He just looked at them. I said, "Mine is the red one." He very quietly said, "I thought mine was the red one."
I wonder how long we have been using the same toothbrush.

Saturday, March 28, 2009 4:19 PM CDT

Fairness Doctrine

One emotion that continues to rear its ugly head is related to the "fairness doctrine".
When I am confronted with a healthy 6 year old dancing in the talent show, my spirit cries..."It's not fair!"
When another child gets good test results that says they are cancer free, my soul aches...."It's not fair!"
These feelings don't occur as frequently as they once did, but they continue to surprise me with their presence. I hate it when feelings I thought I had mastered, rise back up to the surface.
I had been thinking that it's not fair that I had to lose a child to cancer and then today I met a mom who has lost two children to cancer. I bet she thinks that's not fair either.
What is Jesus' response, when I tell him "It's not fair!" The answer is found in a conversation he had with Peter...

"'I tell you the truth...when you are old you will stretch out your hands and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.' Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, 'Follow me!'"

(Jesus was telling Peter that someday he would be crucified. Peter's response is similar to my response.)

"Peter turned and saw (John) was following them...When Peter saw him, he asked, 'Lord what about him?'"

(How many times have I said, "Lord, what about her?" Lord, what about him?" "Why do they get to keep their child?" "Why don't they have to suffer like I do?")

"Jesus answered, 'If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.'" (John 21:18-22)

Jesus responds to me the same way...."If I want that child to live until I come again, what is that to you? You follow me." We are not to compare ourselves to others. Jesus just says, "YOU must follow me."

Lord, help me take my eyes off of others and look to you. This is the path you have chosen for me. This was the kind of death by which Anna would glorify you. I will follow you even if it doesn't seem "fair" by worldly standards.

Friday, March 27, 2009 12:05 AM CDT

"It was a big hit today" (Will)

The kids were finally allowed to play on the seesaw this week. We have been waiting for the wood chips to be delivered and they finally came. Both Audra and Will said that the kids were lined up to get a turn on the bouncy new playground equipment. Thank you to everyone who made a donation to the playground fund in Anna's memory.

"Thunder Snow"

That's what the weatherman was calling it this morning. We had thunder, lightning, and hail when I woke up. The snow is actually moving in later today. We were hoping to go to the drive-in theater tonight, but I guess we'll have to take a "snow-check".

Queen size pillows, slip covers and fan blades

The decorator is hard at work in Anna's Room. She is very good and VERY thorough. She had to mud the walls because there was too much texture for the mural, then she put a "wash" on the walls to make them "softer". The pillows weren't the right size for the shams so I went to Walmart yesterday to get bigger ones. The chair color wasn't right so I bought another quilt to match the one on the bed and she is making a slip-cover. The color of the fan blades bother her, but I'm not sure yet what she is doing about that. She painted the lampshade I bought because it was the wrong color of green. (But we still don't have a lamp because the only lamp the shade will fit is one from Pottery Barn Kids and they cost $149 and the "corporate office" has said that they can't give us a discount on electronics--not sure what we are going to do about that yet.)
I am color blind so of course none of these things bothered me!
Did I mention that Laura is doing all of this terribly detailed and beautiful work for FREE? Her son Peyton is a cancer survivor and was treated many years ago at Children's Hospital. This is her way to "give back". I am thrilled to have her helping us. Come see her finished product next Thursday!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009 8:24 AM CDT

The Ronald McDonald Family Room offers a place of respite for families of critically ill children. It is a place where they can take a break from the hospital environment and still be moments away from their child's bedside. It's a place to do laundry, take a shower, update a website, grab a bite to eat, talk to someone, or take a much-needed nap.
Please join us in celebrating the grand opening of the Ronald McDonald Family Room (including Anna's Room) on April 2, 2009. There will be an Open House from 12-6pm.
The Family Room is located on the 6th floor of the OU Children's Hospital, 1200 Everett Dr., Oklahoma City, OK.

If you would like to bring a "house warming" gift, here are some of the needs of the Family Room....
Laundry detergent
Coffee
Individually packaged snacks
Individually packaged meals
Copy paper
Juice/water
Snack size zip baggies
Refrigerated cookie dough
Plastic utensils, cups, plates, bowls
Lunch meat
Bread
Braums gift cards (to keep the refrigerator stocked with milk)
Walmart or Target gift cards

One of the biggest needs is for more volunteers. Come to the Open House and see if this would be a place where you would like to invest some of your time.

Sunday, March 22, 2009 7:07 AM CDT

An easy thing, O power Divine,
To thank Thee for these gifts of Thine!
For summer's sunshine, winter's snow,
For hearts that kindle, thoughts that glow;
But when shall I attain to this:
To thank Thee for the things I miss?

For all young fancy's early gleams,
The dreamed-of joys that still are dreams,
Hopes unfulfilled, and pleasures known
Through others' fortunes, not my own,
And blessings seen that are not given,
And never will be--this side of Heaven.

Had I, too , shared the joys I see,
Would there have been a Heaven for me?
Could I have felt Thy presence near
Had I possessed what I held dear?
My deepest fortune, highest bliss,
Have grown, perchance, from things I miss.

Sometimes there comes an hour of calm;
Grief turns to blessing, pain to balm;
A Power that works above my will
Still leads me onward, upward still;
And then my heart attains to this:
To thank Thee for the things I miss.

(Thomas Wentworth Higginson)

Friday, March 20, 2009 11:51 AM CDT

The volunteering went great. I called Richard from the hospital and told him, "I'm calling you from 'work'. I'm at 'work'. I'm sitting at my desk--at 'work'." I was so silly, but it's been a long time since I've "worked" and this isn't even a real job! I scrubbed tiles, put stickers in books people donated for Anna's Room, cleaned the microwave, answered the phone, organized the lost and found, talked to the manager, and hugged a dad whose baby is dying. After 'work', I went upstairs to visit Abby who told me, "I lub you" and gave me stickers. What a good day!

Thursday, March 19, 2009 9:45 AM CDT

Today is my first "official" day to be a volunteer in the Ronald McDonald Family Room at the hospital. I have a badge with my picture on it and everything. When I'm not checking people in, I'm planning to scrub the grout in the bathroom of Anna's Room to get it ready for the grand opening April 2. After work, Richard has an Ally's House board meeting. We are both doing things we would have never done if it hadn't been for Anna.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 10:07 AM CDT

What I want to write about is how much fun Richard and I had at the Thunder basketball game last night. I want to tell you how they were down by 17 points and came back in the 4th quarter to win by 2. I want to tell you about the nice lady who sat next to me and how we were giggling over the Thunder-girls many outfits (or should I say "lack" of outfits--they kept getting smaller every time they changed clothes.) I want to tell you how people who pay a lot of money for their seats don't stand up as much as the people who go to college basketball games. I want to tell you how thankful we were to be given GREAT seats to the "best game of the year".

I also want to tell you how much fun my kids are having at Champs Camp. They got to go bowling and play tennis yesterday and today is golf and track. I want to tell you about the 240 other kids who came to camp at our church this week and how excited we are to have so many.
I want to tell you that I had the best time yesterday with a friend of mine. We went to see Anna's Room, had a yummy lunch at one of my favorite places, and then went shopping because we both had gift cards to the same store.

I want to tell you all of that, but how can I talk about such things when other people are suffering?

Today is Shawn's funeral and my heart aches for his wife Lori. Today Abby is recovering from another surgery and my heart feels for her mother Michelle who must be so tired after being in the hospital for so long. Today my neighbor anxiously awaits a diagnosis for her son. I know how hard waiting for news can be.

It's strange being on the other side. When I was suffering, I didn't realize that other people's lives went on. (Think about when you've burned yourself, broken a bone, or even stubbed your toe. All you can focus on is stopping the pain.)
Today my life goes on; but I can ache; I can feel; I can pray; I can encourage.

I can also enjoy a basketball game. I can sing for joy as I walk by the lake. I can laugh with friends.

It's okay to keep on living.

Saturday, March 14, 2009 8:12 AM CDT

Our friend and Richard's coworker Shawn Harrell passed away this morning. He leaves behind a wife and two small children. He was diagnosed with cancer in August of '07 and I met him at Anna's funeral.
Even though I have experienced the death of a loved one, I can't imagine what this family is going through losing a husband and father. Please pray for them as they stumble through these first few days with all of the things that have to be done.

The love of God a perfect plan
Is planning now for thee,
It holds "a future and a hope,"
Which yet thou canst not see.

Though for a season, in the dark,
He asks thy perfect trust,
E'en that thou in surrender "lay
Thy treasure in the dust."

Yet He is planning all the while,
Unerringly He guides
The life of him, who holds His will
More dear than all besides.

Trust were not trust if thou couldest see
The ending of the way,
Nor couldst thou learn His songs by night,
Were life one radiant day.

Amid the shadows here He works
The plan designed above,
"A future and a hope" for thee
In His exceeding love.

"A future"---of abiding fruit,
With loving kindness crowned;
"A hope"---which shall thine own transcend,
As Heaven the earth around.

Though veiled as yet, one day thine eyes
Shall see His plan unfold,
And clouds that darkened once the path
Shall shine with Heaven's gold.

Enriched to all eternity
The steadfast soul shall stand,
That "unoffended," trusted Him
Who all lifes pathway planned.

----Freda H. Allen

Friday, March 13, 2009 9:54 PM CDT

Please pray for Abby Riggs. I haven't been able to visit because of my sick kids, but things are not good tonight. (riggsfamilyblog.com)

Friday, March 13, 2009 7:06 AM CDT

Today I get to stay in my PJ's a little bit longer because Audra and Will are sick.
Thank you to everyone who let me know what they "get to" do. I loved reading your lists. Today I wrote everyone's name on a piece of paper, then Audra and I prayed over the basket before she drew a name. And the winner is.....
Angie H. from Soso, MS!!!!
Angie, please send your address to the email listed below and I will send you your prize.
I also want to let Linda know that I am thinking about her today as she "gets to" go to the doctor for a second opinion. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him.

UPDATE: Here's the email I received from Angie this morning...

WOW…. I can’t believe I won!
That has made my day and I do promise to pay it forward and I know just how.
Our youth director and his wife are expecting their 2nd child; they have found out that there is a 99 percent chance it will be stillborn and if it does live to deliver it will not live more than a few months. The baby has numerous health problems. I will pay it forward by doing something for this family to help during this time in their lives.

Give Audra a big hug and thank you for drawing my name!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009 9:27 PM CDT

I cleaned out Anna's closet today. After someone dies it takes a while to be able to let go of their things. I have done this gradually as I have been ready---a few things at a time. Today I sorted through her clothes and bagged up the ones I thought had lost their sentimental value. I was okay doing that, even when I found a pair of pants that I had put away dirty. Those were her stains. I kept the pants. I took the clothes and gave them to a friend at church. I thought I was fine.
After church I was driving home with Jacob and I started thinking about the clothes. When we were almost home Jacob asked, "What's on your mind?" He NEVER asks that. (Do 12 year olds really care what their mothers are thinking?) I burst out crying and told him about sorting through Anna's clothes and how that made me face the fact that she wasn't coming back and I was sad that she didn't need her clothes anymore. He patted my shoulder and reminded me that Anna had a new body and that she didn't need those things in Heaven. When we got out of the car he gave me a big hug.

"Thank you Lord for a sweet son. Thank you for letting me share my feelings with him. Help me to continue to let go of the "treasures" of this earth and instead store my treasures in Heaven."

ONE MORE DAY

You have one more day to enter the "Pay It Forward" contest. All you have to do is leave a comment and tell me what you "get to" do. I'll draw the winner on Friday and send them a special prize package. The winner will then be responsible for paying it forward to someone else.

PAY IT FORWARD Definition: the act of voluntarily helping another without expectation of payback

Tuesday, March 10, 2009 5:48 PM CDT

You Can't Win if You Don't Play...

The "Pay It Forward" contest is still going on. I LOVE reading what you all "get-to" do. I get excited every time I check the website!
This is your chance to be famous and win fabulous prizes. The prizes are NOT pictured above. Those are the prizes I received. You will be receiving a copy of one of my favorite books, an "Art With a Heart" calendar, a CD of the songs we used at Anna's memorial service, Anna's famous swimsuit picture, a butterfly coin, and MORE!
Please leave a comment on the guestbook and tell me what you "get-to" do today. I will draw a name from those who enter--I won't be judging your list of "get-to's".
Remember, if you win, you have to promise to "Pay It Forward". If you don't have a blog, I guess you just have to promise to do something nice for someone else (and you have to let me know what you did). I will choose a winner on Friday the 13th. It could be your lucky day!!!!!

Monday, March 9, 2009 9:24 AM CDT

I'M A WINNER!!!!

I have a virtual friend whose blog I have been reading for years. Her nephew had hepatoblastoma and was being treated at St. Jude's so I used to read to find out about all of the latest treatment options. He died in October of 2006, but Mo has kept blogging--usually about the two baby girls she's adopted during the past 2 years. A couple of weeks ago she had a link to a contest. It was a "Pay It Forward" contest. Beth, at Outnumbered, Three-to-One (www.endeanmom1.blogspot.com) had won a contest from another website and she had promised to "Pay It Forward". All I had to do to enter was leave a comment and promise to "Pay It Forward" if I won. Well, I won! I received a very nice package in the mail from Beth with some books, notecards, candy, bracelet, and a Starbucks card. So now it's my turn to "Pay It Forward".
If you would like to enter this contest and the chance to win fame and fabulous prizes, please leave a comment on the guestbook and tell me what you "get-to" do today. I will draw a name from those who enter--I won't be judging your list of "get-to's". Remember, if you win, you have to promise to "Pay It Forward". If you don't have a blog, I guess you just have to promise to do something nice for someone else (and you have to let me know what you did). I will choose a winner on Friday the 13th. It could be your lucky day!!!!!

Friday, March 6, 2009 1:18 PM CST

I went to the hospital this morning and sat with Abby while her mom took a shower. Being in a patient room again reminded me of some of the "get to's" I have started taking for granted--maybe you take them for granted too...

I "get to" go home.
I "get to" sleep in my own bed tonight.
I "get to" choose what I want to eat.
I "get to" take a bath.
I "get to" go outside and enjoy the spring weather.
I "get to" pick my kids up from school.
I "get to" fix lunch for my daughter's basketball team tomorrow.
I "get to" have people over and not worry about germs.

My visit to the hospital made me so thankful for my "get to's".
But you know, Michelle has her own "get to's".
She "gets to" hold her daughter.
She "gets to" kiss her daughter.
She "gets to" tell her daughter she loves her.
Those are some mighty fine "get to's". I would trade if I could, but I can't so I will enjoy what I "get to" do.

Friday, March 6, 2009 8:58 AM CST

Mary asked what the needs are for Anna's Room. I am waiting for the decorator to finish her part, but everything else seems to be ready. The official grand opening for the Anna's Room and the Family Room is April 2.
The Family Room has several needs if you or your organization would like to help.

Laundry detergent
Coffee
Individually packaged snacks
Individually packaged meals
Copy paper
Juice/water
New Queen sized sheets
Snack size zip baggies
Refrigerated cookie dough
Plastic utensils, cups, plates, bowls
Lunch meat
Bread
Braums gift cards (to keep the refrigerator stocked with milk)
Walmart or Target gift cards
More volunteers

Monday, March 2, 2009 3:35 PM CST

The Multi Spring See Saw is in!!!!
Thank you to Joel and Eric of PG Playgrounds for coming down from Wichita to head up the installation. Thank you to John, Loren, Bob, Richard, and Dick for helping move dirt and equipment. Thank you to Fonda for getting the shovels. Thank you to Jennifer and the PTA for buying lunch for everyone.

Sunday, March 1, 2009 9:56 PM CST

When Anna died, we chose her school playground fund as one of the places people could donate memorial gifts. A few months ago we ordered a seesaw like the one that our kids had enjoyed playing on at the hospital. Tomorrow the people from PG Playgrounds will be driving down from Wichita to install it. They could use a few good men to help with the project. If you have some time tomorrow and would like to help, please call or email me. I will post pictures soon.

Saturday, February 28, 2009 8:31 PM CST

My excuse is that we don't go out to eat very often. Richard took me to an Italian restaurant last week. We always enjoy getting to talk without interruptions. Before eating, I excused myself to wash my hands. Did you know that at Pepperoni Grill if you turn right when you come out of the ladies room, you will go back to the dining room. If you turn left, you will go into the men's room. Guess which way I turned....

Thursday, February 26, 2009 1:38 PM CST

Life, Death, and Staying within the lines....

Sometimes going to the hospital is still hard. I had to go back this week for my second TB test so that I can be an official volunteer. Sometimes I still ask myself, "Are you sure you want to do this?" After getting poked, I went up to the 10th floor and visited Abby and her mom. Abby was feeling good and asked me to help her paint her fingernails. Then she wanted me to put little tiny butterfly stickers on them. I had the best time making her happy. "Yes, I do want to do this!" When I was driving away feeling good, I noticed a little piece of paper on the windshield of my car. It was a WARNING. The Republic Parking System issued me a warning because I was "Outside of line". There was even a little picture of my license tag on the bottom of the paper. It said that my vehicle description has been tracked electronically and that repeat offenses will result in a fine. "THIS IS YOUR OFFICIAL WARNING."
Are you kidding me? I took my time to drive down there to get poked so that I could volunteer for them and they give me a warning because I parked outside the line???? What about the people who have kids in the hospital. They are stressed, tired, and emotionally drained. Are you going to give them a warning that they are outside the line??? What if my friends the Whitakers had walked down in the middle of the night after their son Mitchell died and found this warning on their car???? Can you picture a hospital full of sick and dying kids and outside is this person driving around the parking garage looking for people who are parked outside the line??!!
Outrageous isn't it.

Then God showed me how I was out of line. Last Sunday there was an all church potluck. I don't consider myself judgmental, but when food is involved I become the potluck police.
"They have six people in their family, they should have brought more food...."
"Look at her, she only brought rolls...."
Then I proudly carry in my TWO dishes.
"Well, you know they said to bring one, but 'from whom much is given, much is required' you know...." (I didn't say those things, but I thought them.)
I am just as bad as the parking police. Instead of being concerned about the suffering around me---lost jobs, broken marriages, deaths---I'm looking to make sure everyone stays in the lines. Ughh. I make myself sick sometimes. I'm not as good as you think I am. I'm not even as good as I think I am.

"Lord, forgive me even as I forgive the parking police. Forgive me for being petty and judgmental about things that don't matter. Forgive me for doing the right thing (bringing extra food) with the wrong motive (pride). Thank you for showing me what it looks like from your perspective. Help me to be more concerned about the suffering behind the walls, than whether or not someone stays within the lines. Make me more like you and less like me. Thanks for the warning."

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 10:13 PM CST

"Friday, February 25, 2005
A mass was found in our two year old daughter Anna's liver yesterday. Surgery this afternoon. Please pray.
Thank you,
marlo and richard"

Four years ago today our lives changed forever. It was the beginning of great suffering and pain and the beginning of great comfort and blessing.

I have struggled several days with trying to choose a picture for Anna's grave marker. We found a really good one, but as I was looking at it tonight I started crying. The problem is we can't capture who Anna was in just one photo. We have hundreds of photos, but none of them can capture her voice, her laugh, her touch, her warmth, her personality. They are a shadow of the real Anna. I must once again remember that what I see is temporary (including granite markers) and what I don't see is eternal.

"Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God." (Colossians 3:1-3)

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 8:59 AM CST

Have you ever lost your cell phone and then tried to call it only to hear that you are "unavailable"? Apparently I was unavailable yesterday. I did finally find my phone last night, but now I've lost my date book so I am not sure I will remember everything I am supposed to do today. One thing I know I am doing is judging the talent show tryouts at the kids school. I plan to say things like, "I like you dawg." and "You're going to Hollywood!" I've probably been watching too much American Idol...
Another thing on my "to do" list is to choose a picture for Anna's marker. I don't want to put one of her looking sick, but she was bald for almost half her life. I am dragging my feet because once I decide, it will literally be "written in stone".

Friday, February 20, 2009 9:28 AM CST

My friend Lydia sent this to me yesterday....

To Honor You

To honor you, I get up everyday and take a breath.
And start another day without you in it.

To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile
And the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.

To honor you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love,
I know now there is no guarantee of days or hours spent in their presence.

To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked,
And sing at the top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.

To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back,
Risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source.
So everyday, I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love.
Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.

by Connie F. Kiefer Byrd

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 9:25 AM CST

Life, death, and socks.

I am studying the book of Esther with some friends. I learned something new this morning. Before Mordecai made Esther aware of the edict against her people, her biggest problem was probably deciding what to wear, or what to serve at the next banquet. When she was confronted with a life and death situation, those other things ceased to matter.

I remember one day when Anna was sick, Jacob came to me and confessed that he had broken one of the bowls I had gotten as a wedding present. Before Anna was sick, I would have lectured him and then made him use a plastic bowl. On that day I said "That's okay, get another bowl." When faced with life and death, broken bowls aren't important. There was also a time when the neighbors got upset because of a car parked in front of their house. I remember thinking, "Why does that matter? Don't you have anything else to get upset about?"

"Here's the trap...If we distance ourselves long enough from real needs, we replace them with those that aren't...We are wise to force ourselves to keep differentiating between simple inconveniences and authentic tribulations. The more detached and self-absorbed we become, the more we mistake annoyances for agonies." ("Esther" by Beth Moore, p 92)

I read that this morning and immediately thought of socks. Yesterday when I went to get Will at gymnastics he couldn't find his socks. His shoes were in the cubby, but his socks were no where to be found. My response was to treat this like an "authentic tribulation". I couldn't believe that he could lose ANOTHER pair of socks. Doesn't he know that I can't just keep buying socks? Why doesn't he take better care of his socks? Doesn't he know that socks don't grow on trees???? I was ANGRY!!!!

Why did that bother me so much? Would it have bothered me if I had something more important to be concerned about?

How many times do we let little things bother us when they are nothing compared to genuine problems? Have I forgotten what is important? Have I forgotten to be thankful for a boy who is healthy enough to go to gymnastics? Obviously I have. I don't want to forget the lessons I learned from Anna. I want to stay changed. I don't want to fall apart over missing socks.

"Lord help me remember what life and death feels like. Don't let me lose what I have gained. Forgive me for being concerned about things that aren't important rather than things that are. Don't let me become detached from the suffering of others as I lick my own wounds. Don't let me get away with treating inconveniences as tribulations. Don't leave me to myself. Continue the good work that you began in me."

Monday, February 16, 2009 3:22 PM CST

Not much new around here. Audra was home today with strep throat. That's the third time in three months so I'm waiting to hear if the doctor will recommend taking out her tonsils. She is MUCH better today after starting antibiotics yesterday. Jacob was out of school for Presidents Day so Will was the only one who had to go. He didn't think that was fair at all.
Richard rented "The Notebook" for Valentine's Day because I had been wanting to see it. The book was better. The movie was full of angst, heavy breathing, and kissing in the rain. The next morning I woke up thankful for a "real" love story--complete with bed head, sick kids, and laundry. Next year I'll let Richard pick the movie. I'm sure it will involve car chases, shooting, and heavy breathing.

Friday, February 13, 2009 3:59 PM CST

A HUGE thank you to the students at Edmond Santa Fe High School.
They just finished their Double Wolf Dare Week. They chose Ally's House as their charity this year. Their goal was to raise $100,000. I was at the kick off pep rally on Monday and the silent auction last night. The whole school was decorated. I was impressed. But with the tornado on Tuesday and with the economy the way it is, I thought their goal sounded high. I was surprised this afternoon to find out that they didn't just meet their goal, they passed it. They raised $155,000!!!!
AMAZING, WONDERFUL, OUTSTANDING!

Friday, February 13, 2009 9:52 AM CST

I have been working this morning on editing my journal. I was dreading reliving November 2007, but I made it through. The written word could not capture the anguish of those days. Now I am looking forward to reviewing the healing that has occurred since that time. I have come a long way baby! Have I forgotten Anna? A thousand times NO. Is it still painful? Sometimes unexpectedly, but most of the time it's only painful if I choose to go there in my thoughts. Instead of thinking about what it was like to have her with me, I choose to think about my future with her. I choose to look forward with hope. I choose to focus on the unseen eternal and not just what I can see. Is it easy? NO, life is never easy. Do I miss her? Everyday.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 10:44 AM CST

I get to…..

My friend Darla has a blog called “I get to”. She got the name from a counselor at her family’s summer camp. Here’s what the counselor told Darla about her responsibilities ….

“They assign us our jobs, but we call them get-tos because they are opportunities we have to “get to” serve the families here. I “get to” serve on the lifeguard stand today so you can enjoy time with your family. And by serving you, I am blessed.”
I stood right there on the edge of that lagoon that day, tears welling up in my eyes, knowing God had just spoken to me... He had answered that prayer of just a few hours earlier. He had said to me....”Darla....you are looking at everything in your life like a have to. These aren’t have-tos....these are get-tos! You get to serve your family each and every day and by serving them you are serving me.” (www.i-get-to.blogspot.com)

Darla challenged me to think about my unique “get tos”. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far…

Because of Anna’s life and death I get to…
-live my life focused on the unseen eternal
-give testimony to God’s strength just by getting out of bed in the morning
-know that nothing can separate me from the love of God
-have a ministry with grieving people because I have paid the price
-not be afraid of what might happen, because it did, and I survived
-teach my children about Heaven and have it be real to them
-show my kids how to trust God no matter what
-not be afraid to die, but instead live in joyful anticipation of what is to come

What do you get to do today?

Monday, February 9, 2009 3:54 PM CST

Shopping for grave markers.....

Today was the day. I tried once before, but never went back. Richard has been saying "We need to." "We really should." and finally, "It's time." So we met at the monument store. I was a little early and, I couldn't help overhearing the couple being helped while I waited.

The saleslady asked how many children the man had.
"Three, well actually four."
" Do you think we need to put 'Debbie's' name on there?"
"I don't know, let me make a phone call....(pause) Yeah, she thinks we should put Debbie on there too."
"Well, okay but don't put anything else. No one liked him anyway."

I was so thankful for the comic relief.

I think we picked something very nice. The next step is to get approval from the cemetery before we sign the contract. After that, it will take 6 months to get the stone. They have to order the black granite from CHINA.
I want to make sure that when people walk by, they know that our girl was loved!

Monday, February 9, 2009 6:41 AM CST

I found this wonderful quote on prayer last month. The author is unknown to me.

"There are few deaths where no one present prays that the dear one may live. Do you suppose that the gift of prayer was given us in order that no one may ever die?...
Prayer is a blessing because God knows best how to answer. God knows when to say no...
You prayed in hope. Pray still, but pray in trust... Pray that you may know your duty; pray for rest and hope and trust. With those will come peace and new courage, but not absence from sorrow. The peace and courage will enable you to bear the sorrow.
That will be the answer to your prayer."

Sunday, February 8, 2009 7:17 AM CST

Please pray for Abby today
riggsfamilyblog.com

Thursday, February 5, 2009 9:20 PM CST

I took some friends on a tour of the Family Room today. The living area was busy with people eating, watching TV and doing laundry. The director was hoping to open the sleep rooms next week, but she needs more volunteers to make it happen. I will let you know when the opening will be rescheduled. The decorator has been unable to work on the mural in Anna's Room because she broke 3 ribs so that room continues to be a work in progress. I may sneak Abby's mom down there so that she can be the first to use the room. I visited her today and asked Abby if I could come read to her sometime while her mom took a nap. I'm sure it will depend how she feels that day.

We have a tentative installation date for the See Saw on Monday March 2. We will need a few volunteers. I can supply lunch, but I doubt I will be very helpful with the installation. Let me know if any of you would like to help that day.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009 8:42 AM CST

When I went up to the Ronald McDonald Family Room earlier this week I got a copy of their "Wish List". The grand opening is February 9. It would be great if we could "shower" them with some of these things.

Laundry detergent
Coffee
Individually packaged snacks
Individually packaged meals
Copy paper
Juice/water
New Queen sized sheets
Snack size zip baggies
Refrigerated cookie dough
Plastic utensils, cups, plates, bowls
Lunch meat
Bread
Braums gift cards (to keep the refrigerator stocked with milk)
Walmart or Target gift cards
More volunteers

Monday, February 2, 2009 10:13 AM CST

I was re-reading one of my favorite books this week. I haven't read it in several years and I was surprised by the ending....

"Go in new life with Christ, he said silently, wondering at the strangely familiar thought.
"Go, and be as the butterfly."

("At Home in Mitford", by Jan Karon)

I always think of Anna's new life in Heaven when I see butterflies, but I can also think of my new life with Christ. I started researching this new life and found several verses that talked about it....

"put on the NEW SELF, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." (Eph. 4:24)

"We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a NEW LIFE." (Rom. 6:4)

"Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the NEW SELF which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator." (Col. 3:9-10)

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us NEW BIRTH INTO A LIVING HOPE through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade--kept in heaven for you." (1Pet. 1:3-4)

I have a new life because of a change in my circumstances (Anna's death), but I also have a new life because of Christ. I am created to be like God---righteous and holy--with a living hope of an inheritance that will never perish or fade being kept for me in Heaven. Shouldn't that change how I live? Shouldn't that change WHY I live?

"Go...and tell the people the full message of this NEW LIFE." (Acts 5:20)

Finally, I want to share a quote I read this morning....

"Let us not forget what the sorrow has done for us while it lasted; and what the night has been, though dark and sad. It has been a night of grief, yet a night of blessing; a night in which there may have been many things which we could wish forgotten, yet many more which we should wish to be remembered forever....It was then that the Lord drew near, and the world was displaced, and self was smitten, and our will conquered, and faith grew...and the things that are unseen were felt to be the real and the true: (Heaven) was seen by us as our proper home." --Horatius Bonar

May the nights of your life lead to new life with Christ.

Saturday, January 31, 2009 9:20 PM CST

W: "Mom, do you ever think about Anna during the day?"
M: "Yes, do you?"
W: "No, because I'm distracted."
M: "Do you think about her at night before you go to sleep?"
W: "....No."
W: "Mom..."
M: "Yes?"
W: "I don't like deep conversations."
Pause
M:"You know, if Anna was here, she would probably want to sleep on your top bunk."
W: "Yeah."

(A conversation I had with Will before he went to sleep tonight.)

Thursday, January 29, 2009 4:57 PM CST

Nothing lasts forever.

When Anna died, a lot of things were hard to do; putting away her toothbrush, taking her books back to the library, returning her Christmas gift, moving her bed out of Audra's room, giving away her medical supplies, throwing away her half-eaten granola bar. It sounds crazy now, but I didn't even want new clothes. I didn't want to wear anything that Anna hadn't seen or touched.
It's been over a year and I do have new clothes, but I also have medicine in the refrigerator, a baggie of very old Chex Mix, little socks in my sock drawer, an unwashed pillowcase in a zip lock bag, and until today I had an old half-eaten box of Anna's favorite cereal hidden away in the pantry. I went into the kitchen after Audra had eaten breakfast and saw the box of cereal sitting on the table. I'm sure it tasted terrible. There's a little bit left so I just put it back without saying anything. It's just a box of cereal. It won't last forever.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009 4:29 PM CST

Ok Nancy, I won't leave you. My husband's not on FB either so this is how he checks up on me during the day! I'm thinking I should maybe move to another site and leave this one as Anna's story. I was planning to stop writing on it after her one year "Heaven Birthday", but I just couldn't.
The snow is melting so everyone should be back in school tomorrow. Abby had to go to the hospital today because she was vomiting blood so I will try to see her if she is still there tomorrow. Laura may be there painting the room and I would like to help her--at least I could wash out her brushes or something.
We were planning to go to church for dinner tonight, but I've heard that they are serving meatloaf and the kids are not too excited about that. I have been trying to bake bread the last two days and it's not turning out very well. Does anyone have a recipe for a beginning bread maker like myself?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009 4:20 PM CST

I don't know if I will have time to write much anymore. Jacob talked me into joining Facebook today and I have been having fun finding long lost friends. I have found 5 so far, including my best friend from 8th grade! I'm sure the excitement will wear off. I am afraid of spending all my time in a virtual world instead of really living so I will have to guard against that--especially since it's easier for me to write than talk! I don't want to become like those people in Wall-E .
Richard came home early from work and took the kids sledding. I could not talk Will into wearing ski overalls because he thought they looked "funny". Audra doesn't care how she looks so she is wearing them even though they are way too short for her. I don't expect them to stay out very long because it is COLD (18 degrees).

Monday, January 26, 2009 8:33 PM CST

We are all tucked in safe and sound from the ice storm. The kids are thrilled that school has been cancelled tomorrow.
I spent the morning at the hospital going through their volunteer training. During the tour, I was telling the other ladies about the sleep rooms and what they would be used for. Then we walked into Anna's Room and my decorator friend Laura was sitting on the floor surrounded by sketches and books. She and I were able to go over the rest of the plans for the room. It is going to be beautiful (and I thought it already was). The grand opening is scheduled for February 9. I'll let you know more details as I get them.

Sunday, January 25, 2009 11:29 AM CST

I am home nursing Will through a bout with the stomach bug. He's on his second package of cheese and crackers so I think he is better today. He was too sick yesterday to go with us to the OU/Baylor basketball game. His wonderful grandpa (Pop) gave up his Saturday afternoon to sit with him so that Richard, Jacob and I could go to Norman for the game. When we got home, I asked Pop where Will had thrown up (in case I needed to do some cleaning). He told me that Will had asked for a bowl. He took him a glass bowl and Will said, "No, I need a throw-up bowl." Pop didn't know where we kept those (or what they looked like) so Will got up, found his bowl (a disposable plastic storage container), got back in bed, and threw up. Way to go Will!
Because Will was sick, we had an extra ticket to the game. Instead of wasting it, I decided that I would find someone to give it to when we got there. A scalper offered me five dollars for it. I told him no because he would just turn around and sell it to someone else. Then he said that he would probably use the ticket himself. I didn't really want to sit next to a scalper so I said no. I was getting desperate because it was my first time to hang around outside a ticket office trying to get rid of a ticket and the game was starting. Just then, I saw a man walk up by himself so I gave the ticket to him. When we got to the seats, I looked at our new friend John from Edmond and said, "This is your lucky day!" Richard had gotten the seats through a friend who "knew a guy". We were sitting in the row right behind the press box. It was fun to be so close to the action. Unfortunately it was a terrible game--not even close. Oh well, maybe next year....

Friday, January 23, 2009 8:34 AM CST

Volunteer Opportunity.

The Ronald McDonald Family Room at OU Children's Hospital is open! The sleep rooms are still in progress, but the Family Room is open (including the showers, laundry room, living area, kitchen, and computer room). I went up yesterday to talk to the director and to deliver the bedding for Anna's Room. I was told that they have had a lot of people use the facilities already. Right now they are looking for volunteers to act as hosts/hostesses--to register guests, organize cabinets, clean, answer questions, bake cookies, make beds, etc. If you have the gift of hospitality, this job is for you. The next training session is Monday at 9:30am. You can call Bernadette at 271-2215 if you have any questions. They could also use a dollhouse if anyone would like to donate one....

Wednesday, January 21, 2009 11:57 AM CST

Trusting Audra. Trusting God.

The other day I was telling a friend about my encounter with a classmate of Audra's. This girl had come up to me after school and told me that my daughter had been mean to her and yelled at her. She obviously wanted me to do something about it. It turned out that the girl had mistaken me for someone else's mom. My friend asked, "Well, what if you hadn't figured out that the girl thought you were someone else? Would Audra have gotten in trouble?" I told her I didn't think so, because I know Audra. That isn't her nature.
We tend to judge God's "goodness" by our circumstances. If things are going good, God is good. If things are going bad, God is not good. God doesn't change. His nature is good no matter what things look like down here.

I haven't been posting as often because I am spending a lot of time editing my old journal entries. I told my friend Julie what I was doing and she said, "That must be like picking the scab off every day." That's a good description. It is hard to go back and reread Anna's story. Each entry brings back memories--some good, some bad. It's a great story--full of hope and despair. I just don't like the ending...

Monday, January 19, 2009 9:51 PM CST

Today the kids stayed home from school because of MLK Day. I'm not real sure how we were supposed to celebrate today. We didn't give gifts, send cards, or get together with family or friends. We did sleep in and play games. We also went shopping for shoes and bananas. The kids did NOT think that was a cool way to spend their day off. The most exciting part of the day was when we lost the hamster. Jacob eventually found her under a chair so all is well.

Thursday, January 15, 2009 10:23 AM CST

I have many "issues" but I'm so glad that self-esteem is not top on the list. I am not offended, instead I think it is hilarious, that I am embarrassing. I was taking Jacob to school after getting his braces this morning, when he handed me a piece of paper and said, "You need to sign this." I asked what it was and he told me it was permission to go on a field trip to the museum and the library. I read the paper and it sounded like fun. It also said that they needed help! So I signed the space that said I would volunteer to go. Jacob said, "Oh Mom, please no......" I didn't see what the big deal was. I asked, "Don't other parents go on these trips?"
"Yes."
"What do they do?"
"Embarrass their kids."
"How?"
"By saying something."
"What if I wear my contacts and my cool sunglasses and promise not to talk?"
I will be the mute chaperone!
I think I got an eye-roll on that one.

Lest you think that my first born doesn't appreciate me, he does. He told me today, "Thank you for getting me contacts so that I don't have to have braces AND glasses at the same time." (He just described me in 7th grade.)

FYI--We are starting a new GriefShare group this Sunday. Let me know if you would like more information.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009 8:45 AM CST

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." (Hebrews 10:24)

Today I want to "spur you on". This summer I decided to stop reading so many cancer kids websites. It was too hard. After a friend of mine adopted a baby from Ethiopia, I started reading adoption websites. I love reading about the moment people see their child for the first time. It's so exciting--and happy. This summer I "linked" to a family who has adopted three children in addition to the four they already had. Unfortunately, their story became focused--not on building a family--but on fighting cancer. Their 4 year old daughter was diagnosed with an aggressive form of leukemia in July. She is being treated at OU Children's Hospital. I have met Abby twice and of course she reminds me of Anna. She has had a very rough time and in December they found that she has some sort of genetic condition that makes the treatment extra hard on her (which explains the terrible side effects she's had so far). Today she is starting the most aggressive phase of her treatment. Will you please join me in praying for this family?
Pray for Abby--peace, trust in her parents, strength.
Pray for Michelle--peace, trust in God, strength to face long days and nights in the hospital.
Pray for Brent--peace, trust, strength to take care of six other kids maintain his job and still spend time with Abby and Michelle.
Pray for the other kids---peace, provision, caretakers, carefree "kid" time.

You can read more about Abby at riggsfamilyblog.com/

If you would like to send a card to Abby I would be happy to deliver it for you. Just email me for my address if you don't have it.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009 9:01 AM CST

Hello Friends. I'm glad you like that picture of Anna. I like it too. She was hilarious---always making us laugh. The photographer who took those pictures sent out an email this week announcing that she is now doing "Provocative Photography". I'm having fun "picturing" myself doing a "passionate and seductive" photo-shoot in a "remote outdoor area". Frankly I'm too frugal to spend a lot of money on something I couldn't show anyone but Richard. I guess that would solve the most difficult part about having pictures made--figuring out what to wear.

This Christmas I did spend some money on myself. I got contacts. All I really wanted was cool sunglasses, but you can't wear cool sunglasses if you are already wearing glasses. So I got the contacts and Richard bought me the sunglasses. Today I took the kids to school, but I didn't take the time to put in my contacts (I didn't shower either, but I was dressed). The sun was in my eyes as I drove east so I needed my sunglasses. When I dropped Jacob off, he looked at me and said, "Please just wear one pair of glasses when you pick me up." He thought that two pair made me look bug-eyed. I told him that someday he wouldn't care what other people thought. He said it would be a long time before that happened!

One more....
This afternoon I was standing in the hallway at school and a little girl came up to me and said, "Your daughter was mean to me."
I said, "Really? What did she do?"
"She yelled at me when we were playing a game."
"Really? Audra isn't very competitive and I've never known her to yell at anyone."
"Are you Audra's mom?"
"Yes."
"Oh, I thought you were 'Susi's' mom."

Friday, January 9, 2009 9:01 AM CST

Do you know the story about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego who were thrown into the fiery furnace for refusing to bow to the king? It's a great story. I have always loved their bold declaration,
"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But EVEN IF HE DOES NOT, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Dan. 3:17-18)
That verse was very important to me as I prayed for Anna. I knew that God was ABLE to save her life, but EVEN IF HE DID NOT, I had to be willing to trust him.
Recently I found another wonderful truth in this story. It's after the three men were thrown into the furnace and were seen walking around with a fourth man who appeared as "a son of the gods". When the king ordered the men to come out, the people crowded around them.
"They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and THERE WAS NO SMELL OF FIRE ON THEM." (v.27)
You can't sit near a campfire without smelling like smoke. You can't live with a smoker without smelling like smoke. But the three men who had been thrown into a "blazing furnace" did not smell like fire.
We have walked through the fire with Jesus. He didn't save us from it, but he walked through it with us. It is by God's power if you can walk through a fire and not smell like smoke. I know people who have suffered and they still "smell" like smoke. They are full of anger, bitterness, sorrow, regret, and depression. I fight those things as well, but ultimately I want to come through the fire without the lingering stench of the flames. Some people are afraid to let go of the pain because then it will be like it never happened. Let's see what happened in our story.....
"Then Nebuchadnezzar said, 'Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in him and defied the king's command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God....for no other god can save in this way.'"
Their deliverance resulted in praise to God. They never forgot what happened, but they were able to use it for God's glory.

Lord, you didn't save us from the flames, but you were there. You chose to heal Anna forever rather than for a few more years on this earth. I will trust you with that even though it hurts. Lord, help us to emerge from the fire without smelling like anger, bitterness, depression, and fear. May our deliverance from those things result in praise to you.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009 4:59 PM CST

Will asked me on the way to school yesterday, "What do you do while I'm at school?"
Hmmmm. What do I do? It's not just one thing. It's a bunch of things. Nothing very important, and yet sometimes something holy. I guess I'm taking care of my little corner of the universe. It's not very big. It's not on the news. I don't make any money. Sometimes it's boring. Sometimes I'm lazy. Sometimes I impress people. Sometimes I don't. I do the laundry. I talk to people. I pray. I walk. I call. I volunteer. I cook. I shop. I write. I love.
"What do I do all day? I wait for you to come home."

Monday, January 5, 2009 8:37 AM CST

"I hear the Saviour say, 'Thy strength indeed is small. Child of weakness watch and pray. Find in me thine all and all.'" (Jesus Paid it All)

Watch and pray. Press on. Those are my "marching orders" for 2009.

A couple of years ago we learned a game from our friends the Hubbards. All 12 of us (six of them, six of us) were sitting around their dining room table and Teri said "It's time for High/Low!" Everyone went around the table and told their "high" and their "low" from the day. Anna LOVED this game and usually asked to play it every night after dinner at home. We don't play it as much anymore, but on New Years Day Richard's mom asked for our high/low from 2008. As we went around the table, we came up with several highs and only a few lows. Here are some of the Salamy highs and lows from 2008...

Highs---
Audra's baptism
Fall trip to Branson
MWS/SCC Concert
Selah concert
Heaven Bible Study
Blood Drive
Anna's Room
Surviving the Holidays Seminar
Jacob learning to play the guitar
Jacob moving to the youth group at church
K-Kaui vacation
Spending time with the kids (I felt like I got to know them again after focusing on Anna for almost 3 years.)

Lows---
Missing Anna (this covered the whole year)
Depression (I didn't mention this New Year's Day, but it's something I've struggled with this year.)
Deaths of other friends and family
Lice (You just THOUGHT I told you everything on this blog. I'm not as "transparent" as you think I am. It only lasted a couple of weeks, but when you are washing bedding, vacuuming, and combing hair everyday, it seems like FOREVER!)

We look forward to what God has in store for us in 2009--hopefully lots of "highs" and just a few "lows" (and NO LICE).

Thursday, January 1, 2009 1:02 PM CST

A New Year....(it is what it is)
New Years Eve was harder than I expected. Christmas...great, New Years Eve....hard, Thanksgiving.....terrible. Next year I'll shoot for 2 out of 3.
My sad mood may have been brought on by a movie we watched a couple of nights ago. I actually asked for it for Christmas. It's called "The Ultimate Gift". It's a great movie, but very hard to watch if you have buried a child--specifically a daughter who died of cancer, and if you think of heaven when you see butterflies, and if you have made a memorial like "Anna's Room" or "Ally's House" to honor her memory. We were in the middle of the movie when we found out that the girl had cancer. I kept saying, "I didn't know. I didn't know that's what this movie was about." We tried to prepare the kids and ourselves as best we could by telling them that the girl was going to die. It wasn't the feel good, pop some popcorn, family movie night, story I was expecting.
Then last night everyone was celebrating and I just wasn't in the mood to celebrate---survive yes, celebrate no.
Waa-waa-waaa...listen to me whine. What a terrible way to start a new year. Some good news is that according to the Wii Fit I am a yoga master and a professional slalom skier. That's something.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008 10:44 AM CST

Goodbye 2008--a year of healing, a sad year, a year of moving forward and pressing on (whether I wanted to or not.) What is in store for us in 2009? More of the same? A different direction? Laughter? More tears? All I know is that God does not change. He will go with me.
It is enough.

"See, I am coming soon, and my reward is with me, to repay all according to their deeds. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.... I am the bright morning star."
Amen! Come, Lord Jesus! (Rev.22:12,13,16,20)

Saturday, December 27, 2008 2:44 PM CST

The Year Without a Power Cord....

Jacob got everything he asked for this year. Richard and I gave him an electric guitar and his grandparents gave him an amplifier. Unfortunately neither of us got him the cord that connects the two. It was a very silent Christmas as Jacob strummed away on his new guitar without the amp. The next day after we went to the guitar store and bought the cord, I was thankful that we didn't have it the day before. Electric guitars can be VERY LOUD! We are very proud of Jacob and his new hobby. He enjoys playing in the youth praise band at church. Now that Will has some drums, and Audra can play the keyboard, we can be the new Partridge family.

SNOW!

We came to Wichita yesterday and opened presents with my family last night. The kids got sleds and snowboards from my sister. Since it was 75 degrees yesterday we said it was too bad they wouldn't get to use them this weekend. Then today the temperature dropped to the 30's and it snowed! Richard and uncle Marc just took the kids outside to try out their new equipment. What fun!

What in the world????

We were sitting around the table at my parents' house when Audra came in and said, "Mom, what is this in my hair?" It was a spider/mouse trap--you know the kind with the sticky glue. My dad said, "How in the world did you get that on your head?" It turns out that the kids were playing hide and seek and Audra hid under the bed. I was laughing so hard I wasn't much help in getting it out. Finally I just got the scissors and started cutting. Audra continues to make our lives interesting...

Thursday, December 25, 2008 8:57 AM CST

Merry Christmas from the Salamys!
The presents have all been unwrapped. Breakfast is in the oven. Audra is playing with her new hamster. Jacob is putting together his guitar stand. Will is playing his electronic drums. Richard is looking for a missing piece to something. All is well.
Yesterday we delivered pumpkin bread to the neighbors. We found out that the husband two doors down is dying. His wife came to our house later to thank us for the card and the verse we had written on it..."May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him." (Rom.15:13) I wrote the same verse on every card, but she was the one who needed to hear that yesterday.
Last night after church we met our friends the Webbs at the hospital to deliver presents to the kids on the 10th floor. There was a six year old girl who reminded us of Anna. I helped pick out her gifts because I knew the kinds of things a six year old girl would like. There was a boy who was just diagnosed and admitted yesterday---Christmas Eve---single mom----cancer----can you imagine?
I am so thankful for the peace in our home today because I know how precious it is. I hope you have a blessed day and MAY THE GOD OF HOPE FILL YOU WITH ALL JOY AND PEACE AS YOU TRUST IN HIM.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 8:07 AM CST

On Christmas Eve

You think of the dead on Christmas Eve,
Wherever the dead are sleeping,
And we, from the land where we may not grieve,
Look tenderly down on your weeping.

You think us far, we are very near
To you and the earth, though parted
We sing tonight to console and cheer
The hearts of the broken-hearted.

We shall meet again in a brighter land,
Where farewell is never spoken;
We shall clasp each other hand in hand,
And the clasp shall not be broken.

We shall meet again in a bright, calm clime,
Where we'll never know a sadness;
And our lives shall be filled, like a Christmas chime
With rapture and with gladness.

When you think of us, think not of the tomb
Where you laid us down in sorrow;
But look aloft, and beyond earth's gloom,
And wait for the great tomorrow.

(Author unknown)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008 9:25 AM CST

"No life is ever so empty that God cannot fill it."

God continues to fill our lives. On the days when I feel empty, I beg for Him to fill up those empty places with Himself.
This Christmas season, I have been surprised by joy. After Thanksgiving was so hard, I didn't know how I would feel about Christmas. Thankfully, my feelings are similar to those I had at Easter--joyful expectation. Of course I feel the pressure to buy that last gift on my list. I feel bloated from eating too many sweets. I feel sad that I don't have a reason to buy a dollhouse this year. I feel the burden of another child with strep throat (Will). BUT when I stop to think about almighty GOD coming to earth.....I am amazed....and joyful. He didn't just come to earth to live. He came to die. To defeat death. To give us life eternal. To give us hope.
Oh yes, I do BELIEVE. Not in Santa, and Frosty, and flying reindeer. I believe in the great I AM who left his throne to humble himself as a baby and to die on a cross. He endured suffering for the joy set before him...and so do I.

Monday, December 22, 2008 9:26 AM CST

Do you need to make one more goodie before Christmas? This is SO yummy and easy. I got it from my friend Kari Gibson who got it from her sister-in-law Erin.

Santa's Toffee
Ingredients:
40 Saltine or club crackers
2 sticks of butter
1 cup of sugar
12 oz bag of chocolate chips

Heat oven to 375, place foil over a cookie sheet. Layer crackers in a row. Melt butter & sugar in saucepan until it boils.
Pour melted butter/sugar over crackers. Bake in oven for 12 min. or until golden brown. Take out & pour chocolate chips over the crackers. Place back in the over for ONLY 10 seconds. Take out & spread chocolate evenly. Place in fridge or freezer until cooled or chocolate is firm.

Sunday, December 21, 2008 7:26 AM CST

"Though I am surrounded by troubles... The Lord will work out his plans for my life-" (Ps. 138:7)

"When you stand in a belfry, you are stunned with the sound of bells immediately above you; but at a distance you discover that they are ringing in mellow beauty.
In the pressure of the hour, when you seemed to be overwhelmed by the waves of sorrow, you cannot discern God's purpose; but wait; when an interval of time and space has passed, you will detect the music of God's purpose." (Mrs. C. Cowman)

Waiting for the beauty to be revealed.....

PS. I put some new pics on the photo page.

Saturday, December 20, 2008 8:41 AM CST

I went back to the clinic yesterday for the first time since Anna died. They were having a pep rally for the OU football team so I invited my friend Tracy to go with me. (She hadn't been back either.) We were both nervous because we weren't sure how we would respond. You really never know what will make you sad and what won't. It turned out to be a good thing. We got to see a lot of old friends and cheer on the OU team. The nurses seemed genuinely glad to see us. There were at least 4 other parents there whose children had died of cancer. It was good to see them. There's nothing like a hug from someone who knows how you feel.
Coach Stoops was there along with his wife and some of his players. (No, Sam Bradford wasn't one of them.) There were several references to "style points" during the program (for those of you who don't know, OU won the three way tie for the Big 12 championship based on style points). At one point, they had three of the players and three of the kids dress up for a "style" show. The audience was given cards with numbers on them so that we could hold up our "style points". (See the picture above.) It was great fun and the players were such good sports. When one of them walked out in his dress, necklace, and floppy hat, he said, "Uh...thanks for inviting me to this pep rally today." At the end of the program they had the players stick feather boas in their pants and dance to the song "Shake Your Tailfeathers". That was done in Anna's memory. She was the ultimate shaker of the tailfeathers.

Thursday, December 18, 2008 6:39 AM CST

Richard and I have always loved dancing. In our younger days we used to go "kicker-dancing". But our most romantic dance didn't happen at a fancy ball, or a college homecoming, or a smokey honkey-tonk. It happened in a room at the Ronald McDonald House. We were in Delaware for a check-up. We thought everything was okay and were preparing to leave when we got a call that Anna's AFP was up and they needed to schedule an MRI right away. Stunned by the bad news and the change in plans, we stumbled back in to the RMH. Later that night with Anna sleeping a few feet away, we danced to this song--each of us with one earpiece from the Ipod so that we wouldn't wake our sleeping beauty.

I know you've heard me say these words before
But every time I say I love you the words mean something more
I spoke them as a promise right from the start
I said death would be the only thing that could tear us apart
And now that you are standing on the edge of the unknown
I love you means I'll be with you wherever you must go

I will take a heart whose nature is to beat for me alone
And fill it up with you - make all your joy and pain my own
No matter how deep a valley you go through
I will go there with you
And I will give myself to love the way Love gave itself for me
And climb with you to mountaintops or swim a raging sea
To the place where one heart is made from two
I will go there with you

I see it in your tears - you wonder where you are
The wind is growing colder and the sky is growing dark
Though it's something neither of us understands
We can walk through this together if we hold each other's hand
I said for better or worse I'd be with you
So no matter where you're going I will go there too

I will take a heart whose nature is to beat for me alone
And fill it up with you - make all your joy and pain my own
No matter how deep a valley you go through
I will go there with you

(Steven Curtis Chapman, "I Will Go There With You")

Love is not candlelight dinners, trips to Hawaii, or diamond earrings. Love is walking through the valley, wiping a tear, holding a hand---forever.

Happy 15th Anniversary to my wonderful husband.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 8:09 AM CST

Brrrrrrr!
It is COLD! Audra tested positive for strep Sunday afternoon so she and I have been staying cozy at home. Yesterday I made 9 loaves of pumpkin bread, 6 dozen cookies, and a batch of cinnamon candy. It seemed like a good idea since we were stuck at home anyway. I have lots of errands to run before Christmas, so hopefully Audra will feel like getting out today. We also found out yesterday that Audra got one of the leads in her school play. The part was originally written for the Pirate King of the High C's, but it has been re-written for the Pirate QUEEN. She was very happy to get that news even though she couldn't talk about it. Yesterday was very quiet as she communicated in sign language and writing notes---and ringing a bell to get my attention! I didn't have much sympathy for her when she was making a big deal over drinking her yucky medicine. I thought of Anna and ALL the stuff we made her drink over the years. I tried to be patient, but it wasn't easy!

Saturday, December 13, 2008 7:31 PM CST

A HUGE THANK YOU TO ?????????????

Last year right before Christmas, someone rang our doorbell and left a basket of goodies. Included in the basket were gift certificates for a night at the Residence Inn, dinner at Spaghetti Warehouse, and a carriage ride. Last night we used them all! We had a great time (check out the photo page). After checking into our room (which was a GIANT two bedroom suite overlooking the canal in Bricktown), we walked to the Spaghetti Warehouse. On our way, we stopped by Nonna's Restaurant to see Anna's picture on their tree. Some kids from the clinic decorated the tree with pictures from the Ally's House calendar. There was a 30 minute wait at Spaghetti Warehouse so we decided to take our carriage ride before dinner. The driver's name was....MARLO! Then while we were talking, the carriage manager told us that she had just cut her hair for "Locks of Love." (She told us that BEFORE she knew anything about us.) So I told them our story. They were very nice. During the ride, Marlo told us about her husband who is currently in remission from cancer.....you never know!
We stayed up late watching movies, then slept in this morning before having a yummy breakfast buffet. We LOVED, LOVED, LOVED our night out. Thank you so much to whoever is our secret Santa.

Friday, December 12, 2008 8:54 AM CST

A picture is worth a lot....
The picture of Anna in the window was taken in 2006. She didn't like the cold, so when the other kids played in the snow, she would watch from the window. She spent many hours in that window playing with the nativity sets and making up new stories about Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. They had many adventures that you won't read about in the Bible. In this picture she has all of her little people lined up and she is enjoying a cookie---what a great way to spend the afternoon.

Ho Ho Ho, to the Mall we go....
Yesterday, Audra's choir sang at the mall. When they finished, I had the pleasure of shopping with 3 little girls. We went to all the important stores---Build A Bear, Limited Too, Hallmark, and Candyopollis. One of them also begged to go to a certain fashion kiosk. I gave in and I'm glad I did. I have two words for you "hair extension". The girls got all fixed up with new hair and clips, then the saleslady sat me down and transformed my short "do" into an "up do". We all felt like Cinderella. It was so much fun. Audra is wearing her fancy hair to school today. I am wearing sweats so my regular hair will do for now, but I'm ready for the next ball....

You never know....
I had a long conversation with the pretzel lady at the mall. She was a dental hygienist, but quit when she got married. She plans to go back to school, but is not sure what she wants to do. She likes making pretzels, but she doesn't like it when people talk "down" to her. I told her that I loved her pretzels and I was glad she was there making them.
You never know what is going on in someone's life. We are all starring in our own life's "play". (I wish mine was a romantic comedy, but it's more like a drama.) You don't know what struggles the person in the car who took your parking place is having. You don't know if the child in front of yours told Santa that the one thing she wants for Christmas is for her parents to get back together. You don't know if the lady walking by you on the jogging path is planning a funeral. You don't know if the people sitting behind you at Taco Bueno are eating there in memory of their daughter. You don't know if the person in front of you in the return line at Target is returning a toy she bought for her daughter before she died. You don't know the suffering that is occurring in the hospital you drive by every day on your way home from work.
Be gracious. Be kind. You never know....

Wednesday, December 10, 2008 12:57 AM CST

I just got a call that the See Saw will be delivered tomorrow! I don't know when it will be installed, but it's going to be delivered. Today I am learning about things like "lift-gate service". Did you know you have to pay an extra $100 for them to take the box OFF the truck? We have one custodian at our school and we didn't think Shemeca could lift 600 lbs by herself!

A BIG thank you to Tracy G. who sent me 24 butterflies in the mail today. She said she saw them and thought of Anna. I have already put a few on our tree. I'm sure when Audra gets home she will take some for her room.

I talked to another mom at school today. She tried to give blood at Anna's blood drive, but she was turned away because of low iron. She took her vitamins and was able to donate this week. She even took two of her coworkers with her and now they have a "blood club" and plan to donate on a regular basis. Way to go Jayna!

"Weep if thou wilt, but weep not all too long.
Oh weep and work, for work will lead to song."

Tuesday, December 9, 2008 8:26 PM CST

Sad Day....
You can't really predict when you will have one, or why. Today just seemed like a good day to have Anna with me, but she wasn't. Then I found a syringe wrapper under the bed and that didn't help any. (It does tell you what kind of housekeeper I am though.) I told Richard that I would probably feel better tomorrow and he wisely said, "and if not, maybe the next day...." We know we will continue to have sad days, but they will pass and we will go on.
"Now life will be a little less sweet, death a little less bitter."

Sunday, December 7, 2008 2:30 PM CST

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, How lovely are your branches.....

We went to the tree farm yesterday and got our Christmas tree. When we got home, we invited some friends and neighbors over to help us decorate. I left the memory-laden ornaments in the attic and we started fresh. The tree is covered in candy canes and lollipops. It looks great! It made it so much fun to have people help us. The kids painted styrofoam suckers and baked sugar cookies (when they weren't chasing each other with nerf guns that is.) Thank you to everyone who brought candy for our tree.

Thursday, December 4, 2008 1:54 PM CST

Check out the front page of the Oklahoman. It's a picture of Toby Keith and the "wall-breaking" ceremony at the hospital yesterday. Richard and I were there, but we were behind the camera--not in front of it. Ally's House is renovating the 10th floor (oncology unit). They had a party to kick off the redo. Richard is on the Ally's House Board so we went to be a part of the celebration. Those of you who contributed to Ally's House in Anna's memory can consider yourselves to be a part of the improvements as well. Thank you again for giving!
We also went down to the 6th floor and took a look at the new furniture in Anna's Room. It looks very nice. I received the bedding in the mail today so things are coming together---slowly but surely.
Today is Audra and Jacob's half-birthday. We celebrated with cinnamon rolls (with candles in them) for breakfast then I picked Audra up at lunch and we had our haircut. This is the first time we have made an attempt to celebrate half-birthdays, but why not???

Update....
I am cracking up. My friend from HOUSTON wrote to tell me that I was in the video on the Oklahoman website. I DID know that I was standing behind Linda while she was being interviewed, but I was having a very deep conversation with Ally's grandmother and I couldn't just walk away. I found out that she also had a daughter die of cancer--ugh!!!! WE HATE CANCER!
If you want to watch the video and find out more about the project go to http://newsok.com/theoklahoman and click on "Today's Multimedia" on the right side of the screen.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008 9:06 AM CST

I am doing much better this week. I hope that I won't relive Anna's last days every Thanksgiving. Hopefully those memories will be gradually replaced by good ones.
Yesterday I went out and bought lights and candles. When Will came home frm school he said, "I thought you said you weren't going to decorate for Christmas." I told him, "Lucky for you, I got in the mood!" I didn't get EVERYTHING out, but our house is definitely festive. We are going to put the tree in a different place and we are decorating it with candy instead of getting out the ornaments. I'm keeping some old traditions, but trying to make some new ones as we acknowledge that things are not the same as they were before.
We press on with joyful anticipation.....

PS. Today's picture is how our living room looked on this day last year. The striped present under the tree was the gift Will bought Anna (he had drawn her name for the kid exchange). We still have that gift wrapped up and sitting next to the nativity scene Anna painted (with a pink baby Jesus).

Sunday, November 30, 2008 7:43 AM CST

"In everything ye are enriched by Him." (1 Cor. 1:5)

"O Mother! my heart breaks with your heart when your cradle is empty. But shall I call back the child? Nay; sooner pluck a star out of heaven than call back that child to this wintry blast.

Your child is in a spring-land. [She] is in a summer-world. [She] is with God. You have given [her] back to Him who lent [her] to you.

Now, the giving back is very hard. But you can not give back to God all that you received with your child. You can not give back to God those springs of new and deeper affection which were awakened by the coming of this little one. You can not give back to God the experiences which you have had in dwelling with your darling.

You are better, you are riper, you are richer, even in this hour of bereavement, than you were. God gave, and He has not taken away except in outward form. He holds, He keeps, He watches, He loves. You shall have again that which you have given back to Him only outwardly.

Meanwhile the key is in your hand, and it is not a black iron key; it is a golden key of faith, of hope, and of love. This little child has taught you to follow [her]. There will not be a sunrise or a sunset when you will not in imagination go through the gate of heaven after [her]. There is no door so fast that a mother's love and a father's love will not open it, and follow a beloved child. And so, by [her] ministration, this child will guide you a thousand times into a realization of the great spirit-land, and into a faith of the invisible, which will make you as much larger as it makes you less dependent on the body, and more rich in the fruitage of the sprit."
(Mrs. Charles Cowman, "Consolation")

This week has been hard. The 25th was hard, but Anna's death will be forever linked to Thanksgiving so the last few days have been especially difficult. I still cannot write about the events of this weekend one year ago. They are too painful and awful to relive even in my mind. (I MUST remember....no, I must forget. The battle rages.)
I found the passage by Mrs. Cowman this morning during my quiet time and it echoes my last entry. My grief is not unique...it is universal. My feelings are not new and I am comforted by those who have gone before.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008 8:00 AM CST

We made it through yesterday. I was prepared to be "extra" sad, but when I woke up I realized that I felt the same as the day before. I did allow myself to focus on my loss rather than busy myself with the usual activities. Of course there were tears. At one point I looked in the mirror and saw the dark circles under my eyes. I covered them with makeup and sunglasses and went on. Thank you for the phone messages, emails and cards. Each one brought a new round of tears. I loved them all. I didn't answer the phone yesterday because I didn't want to talk to anyone about Anna and I didn't want to talk about anything else. I needed time alone with my thoughts about her. I did meet Richard for lunch at Taco Bueno and we both had Nacho Chicken Salad in Anna's honor. We then went to the cemetery where we tied the balloons from the blood drive to a pink butterfly stake that my friend Tracy had put on our porch. We also stuck Dum Dums in the ground....very fitting. When the kids got home from school we walked to 7-11 and got a snack, which was one of Anna's favorite things to do.
Two very exciting things happened yesterday. One is that the furniture was supposed to be delivered to Anna's Room at the hospital. (It will probably be today, but was originally scheduled for yesterday.) The other is that when I went to pick up the kids at school, they had the check ready for me to send to the playground company. The treasurer got the total wrong and was one dollar off on the amount. I didn't want to wait for another check so I told her that I would just stick a dollar in the envelope to make up the difference. When I got home I remembered that Anna had a little lady bug purse with dollar bills in it that she had received in some of her get-well cards. I took one of those dollars and put it in the envelope. So in a way, Anna paid the last dollar for the see saw! I love that the purchase order and the check have the date of 11/25/08 on them. Thank you Lord for your perfect timing (and for computation "errors".)
As I was thinking about how we had filled our day with things Anna loved, I realized that she left us so much more than suckers, butterflies, and Nacho Chicken Salad. Because of her, I am a better mom. I am a better wife. I am a better friend. I am a better person. I never want to waste her suffering (and ours) by going back to the way I was before. I want to stay changed. I will always be sorry that Anna died, but I will never be sorry that she lived.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008 7:30 AM CST

I don't know how we got through this day one year ago. We somehow kept breathing even though our hearts were broken. On the morning of Anna's funeral, the verse in my devotional book was from Haggai 2:19, "From this day on I will bless you"..... and He has.
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Photos on the mantle I won't change

For they still remind me of a day

You filled our hearts with laughter and your smile

How we loved you…

for a while

The day came in a blinking of an eye

When suddenly we had to say goodbye

As you were soaring homeward through the blue

Part of me when right along with you

Every time I hear you in my mind

Though my heart weeps, my soul takes flight

To the place where you are

Somewhere far beyond the farthest star

Now every minute that I breathe

You live what I believe

You gave me so much more than joy

In you I saw a reason for each morn'

In a world unwinding as it spun

Holding you would make me still again

Many say your days with us were too few

But they were numbered by the Lord for you

A message of your life remains through time

Jesus gave you everlasting life

Every time I hear you in my mind

Though my heart weeps, my soul takes flight

To the place where you are

Somewhere far beyond the farthest star

Now every minute that I breathe

You live what I believe

Every time I see you dancing through my mind

though I long to hold you, my soul takes flight

To the place where you live

To watch you sing and dance, what would I give

Now every minute that I breathe

You live what I believe

One day I will see Jesus come for me

No one knows the hour He will come

I will fall at his feet for all He's done for me

Then straight into your arms I'll run…

(Every Minute that I Breathe by Jana Alayra)

The photo above was taken at sunrise 11/25/07.

Monday, November 24, 2008 9:14 PM CST

The blood drive was a success. It was a great way to spend the day. Where else could I have spent the day making people look at my scrapbooks of Anna? We had 70 people sign in which was more than they expected. It was supposed to end at 7, but the last person didn't leave until 9pm.
A BIG thank you to everyone who showed up to donate. Thank you to Leslie for the balloons. Thank you to Susi for the food. Thank you to Mary for working the sign in desk. Thank you to Kay and Sittie for the decorations. Thank you to OBI for working late. Thank you to NWBC for letting us use the church. Thank you to Coach Stoops for the football (which was won by Nancy Brown).
We are already planning next year's drive.....

Journal entry from 11/24/07

The love of God a perfect plan
Is planning now for thee,
It holds "a future and a hope,"
Which yet thou canst not see.

Though for a season, in the dark,
He asks thy perfect trust,
E'en that thou in surrender "lay
Thy treasure in the dust."

Yet He is planning all the while,
Unerringly He guides
The life of him, who holds His will
More dear than all besides.

Trust were not trust if thou couldst see
The ending of the way,
Nor couldst thou learn His songs by night
Were life one radiant day.

Amid the shadows here He works
The plan designed above,
"A future and a hope" for thee
In His exceeding love.

"A future"--of abiding fruit,
With loving kindness crowned,
"A hope"--which shall thine own transcend,
As Heaven the earth around.

Though veiled as yet, one day thine eyes
Shall see His plan unfold,
And clouds that darkened once the path
Shall shine with Heaven's gold.

Enriched to all eternity
The steadfast soul shall stand,
That "unoffended", trusted Him
Who all life's pathway planned.
(Freda H. Allen)

Sunday, November 23, 2008 8:45 PM CST

A Celebration....
Audra was baptized this morning. Just as one daughter was buried a year ago and now lives a new life in heaven, so another daughter was buried with Christ in baptism and raised to live a new life here on earth.

Blood Drive Tomorrow....
There was a nice article in the Daily Oklahoman today about the blood drive. My parents spent the night with us and my dad was reading the paper this morning and said, "Did you know there was an article about Anna in here?" It was a nice surprise.

Attention Donors: The drive has been moved to the E Hall at the church. Just look for the banner over the entrance. Be sure to eat and drink before you donate and bring a photo ID.

"This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it." (Ps.118:24)

Saturday, November 22, 2008 8:14 AM CST

These are the verses I wrote down on this day last year.

11/22/07
"Now we live with a wonderful expectation because Jesus Christ rose again from the dead. For God has reserved a priceless inheritance for his children. It is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay. And God, in his mighty power, will protect you until you receive this salvation because you are trusting him...So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while. These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure...So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. Though you do not see him, you trust him... Your reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls." (1 Peter 3-9)

Thursday, November 20, 2008 2:56 PM CST

I Love You Too!

I say that ALL the time to my husband. His love language is words and he tells me several times a day that he loves me---and of course I always respond, "I love you too." The other day I was outside feeling good and thinking about something that God had done and I said out loud to Him, "I love you too!"
The next time God does something good for you ... the next time he gives you just the right verse when you need it... the next time you see a sunset... the next time you hear the leaves rustling in the breeze... the next time you feel content with what you have.... look up and say, "I love you too!"

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 10:43 AM CST

Audra....
Audra is a wonderful child. We are very proud of her various talents and her sweet nature. We are also very happy that she will be baptized this Sunday. Next week will mark the death of one daughter and the new life of another.
Last night at dinner Audra said the prayer. "Thank you God that I got to go to Incredible Pizza today. Please help Will not to be jealous." Hmmm... I try not to correct the kids' prayers, but I did notice the not-so-subtle reminder to her brothers of the special place she got to go after her city choir rehearsal.
Audra is VERY creative. Numbers, time, money mean nothing to her. The other day she asked Richard what time it was. He told her 5:30. She said, "No, what TIME is it?" He said "5:30". She said, "No, I mean is it lunch time, dinner time, time to go to bed, or what?" Audra has a different "clock" than the rest of us.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008 4:27 PM CST

My journal entries from 11/17/07 and 11/18/07

"O (Marlo) trust the Lord! He is your helper; he is your shield." (Ps 115:9)
"Dear (sister), whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. for when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything." (James 1:2-)

Blessed is he whose faith is not offended,
When all around his way
The power of God is working out deliverance
For others day by day.

Though in some prison drear his own soul languish
Till life itself be spent,
Yet still can trust his Father's love and purpose
And rest therein content.

Blessed is he, who through long years of suffering,
Cut off from active toil,
Still shares by prayer and praise the work of others
And thus "divides the spoil".

Blessed are thou, O child of God, who sufferest,
And canst not understand
The reason for they pain, yet gladly leavest
Thy life in His blest Hand.

Yea, blessed art thou whose faith is "not offended"
By trials unexplained,
By mysteries unsolved, past understanding
Until the goal is gained.
(Freda H. Allen)

Monday, November 17, 2008 10:29 AM CST

Out For Blood....
The blood drive is one week from today and we still need donors. Please email me at the address below and let me know what time you can come (between 2 and 7pm). A LOT of people have told me that they are unable to donate for medical reasons. That means everyone who is physically able to donate needs to come. If you live outside of OKC and you want to donate blood where you live, that would be great too.

A Limited Offer...
We will be selling the 2009 Ally's House calendars at the blood drive. If you buy one for the regular price of $10, you will get a 2008 calendar ABSOLUTELY FREE! As you know, Anna is Miss July in the 2008 calendar so this is a great deal. Don't miss it!!!!

A Room With a View...
Well, actually Anna's Room doesn't have much of a view. But, if you stand in the right spot you can see a piece of the sky. I have been out shopping for bedding for her room at the hospital today. Decorating is NOT my "thing" so I don't feel qualified to be doing this, but who else is going to look at six different stores for just the right thing? (Even though I have NO idea what just the right thing looks like.)

A Bittersweet Birthday....
I knew Richard's birthday would be hard because mine was hard. I thought he was doing great because he was doing so much. He told me later that he was trying to stay distracted. It really is true that you can feel joy and sadness together. We do it all the time.

A Gift From God....
If you haven't read the journal entry from November 13 please do. It tells a wonderful story that shows how God knows every detail of our lives. It's amazing that a God SO BIG cares about me....but He does.
(Check out the photo page for a picture of the See Saw.)

Saturday, November 15, 2008 1:03 PM CST

Happy Birthday Richard!!!!
We got up this morning and ran the Putnam City Cancer Classic to celebrate. It was COLD, but fun! Audra and I stuck together near the end of the pack. She would get to talking and I had to keep reminding her, "This is a RACE...C'mon!" She said several times, "I think I'm going to throw up." I just told her that if she did, to do it in the grass. After the race we joined our friends the Nuthmans in the 1 mile "fun" run/walk then went back to our house for bagels and hot chocolate.
This afternoon we are going to the movies and then tonight we are surprising Richard with a special birthday dinner. For someone who said he didn't feel like celebrating, I think he is having a good day.

Thursday, November 13, 2008 9:30 PM CST

WOW!
When Anna died we started a memorial fund for her school playground. The school has been waiting for me to tell them what I wanted to do with the money. There was a particular piece of playground equipment that I wanted to donate. It was a bouncy see saw that my kids used to play on when we went to the hospital. They loved it. It was big enough for all of them to sit on and for me to stand in the middle and make it bounce. I couldn't find one in any of the playground equipment books that I looked at. One day this spring we were visiting my folks in Wichita and they took us to a new park and there it was! I wrote down the name of the company and emailed them to try to find out a price, but never heard back. I didn't know what else to do so I did nothing...for months. TWO DAYS AGO I found a scrap of paper in the desk drawer that had the name of the piece of equipment on it so I googled it. I found a picture of it and a way for me to plug in my zip code to find the nearest distributor and request a price quote. A man named Joel in Wichita got that request and emailed me YESTERDAY. He told me that the Multi Spring See Saw costs $5,300. I wrote him back and told him that we only had $3,200. THIS MORNING he wrote me back and gave me some options of other pieces that were within my budget. THIS AFTERNOON he emailed me and said,
"THIS IS DIVINE INTERVENTION! Call me when you can."
I called him right away. He had gotten an email TODAY that said,
"We have surplus items available for immediate sale that are currently in the US available for quick delivery. These items will be sold to the first Sales Representative that provides a purchase order and payment in full. No commissions will be paid as the items are already currently discounted by 40 percent."
The Multi Spring See Saw was one of the items! It was on sale for $3,180!!!!
Can you see God's hand? Can you see his perfect timing????? Can you see how just enough was raised???
Joel will not get any commission, but he called the company right away and told them why he should be the one to get that piece (even though he didn't have a PO or the $$$ and there were two other people who wanted it). The company agreed and said that it's ours! The shipping will cost about $300, and Joel was worried about going over our budget. I told him not to worry about it. Then he said he wants to be a part of coming down here and installing the See Saw himself.
WOW!!!!!

"Publish his glorious deeds among the nations.
Tell everyone about the amazing things he does." (1Chron. 16:24)

Thursday, November 13, 2008 12:17 AM CST

Flashback 11/13/07 Personal journal entry...

"Lord, yesterday as I thought about the pain I will experience with Anna's death I became afraid and thought, 'I can't do it!' I remember saying those words several times during the past 3 years. One time I felt you say, 'But look, you ARE doing it.' You got me through some really bad times--one step at a time. Lord, just as you got me THROUGH those times, you will see me THROUGH this. I can't avoid it. I have to go THROUGH. Just as you wished there was another way, yet you walked through the fire (of the cross) and emerged victorious. Lord, help me keep my eyes set on the joy before me as I walk through the flames. Amen."

Monday, November 10, 2008 6:35 PM CST

Yesterday Will hurt his finger playing football in the backyard. We put ice on it and gave him some Tylenol, but it swelled up pretty big. It was still swollen this morning so I made a splint out of popsicle sticks and took him to school. When I got home, I called the doctor's office and the nurse told me that I needed to bring him in for an X-ray. She said, "Can you come at 9:45?" No! Today was my last day of my study on Heaven. I was really looking forward to going. So I told the nurse I couldn't come and asked if I could bring him tomorrow morning because today was pretty full. I could tell by her silence that the she was questioning my parenting skills, so I said, "Do you have anything later?" My other choice was 1:45. Unfortunately all three kids were supposed to get their teeth cleaned at 2:00. I called Richard and he offered to come take Audra and Jacob to the dentist so that I could take Will to the doctor. It turned out that he MIGHT have a small fracture, but it is probably just a sprain. He did get a cast---just in case. He only has to wear it for two weeks. He was thrilled and Audra was pouting because she didn't get one. Now she is asking for Richard to play football with her so that she can break something.

The hardest part of the day was walking from the pediatrician's office to the radiology office (at Baptist Hospital, not OU Children's where we spent most of our time). It was the same walk I took in February 2005 when our doctor thought Anna had pneumonia and sent us to get an X-ray. When we passed the cafeteria Will said, "Have I eaten in there before?" "Yes you have." On the day the doctor finally admitted us for tests we were waiting for a room and we sat in the cafeteria and had a hot dog. I was alone with the kids. I was upset because I thought the doctor was overreacting. I had NO idea what was about to happen.
I'm sure the technician thought I was upset about Will when I teared up in the X-ray room. On the walk back to the doctor's office I said, "That was hard for me to do." Will asked, "Why?" "Because the last time I went there I was with Anna." It helped to be honest with him rather than try to hide my feelings and just be grumpy.

Sunday, November 9, 2008 7:05 AM CST

Yesterday went great. Thanks for praying. I didn't throw up one time! Everyone who came was encouraged--especially Richard and me.

Here's my journal entry from this day last year......

11/9/07

"I cannot tell how it is that I should be able to receive into my being a power to do and to bear by communion with God, but I know it is a fact. Are you in peril through some crushing heavy trial? Seek this communion with Christ, and you will receive strength and be able to conquer. 'I will strengthen thee.'"
(M. Cowman)
"How manifold are our sorrows, but how manifold are His gifts!"
(Rev. Joseph Pearce)

God did pour out his gifts on us (and continues to do so). Here is my journal entry from 11/10/07. It lists what I was thankful for on that day.

"Thank you Lord for making this time as easy as you can for us. Thank you for my mom coming to help. Thank you for Kay showing up at just the right time to take Jacob to the Hubbards. Thank you for the Hubbards taking Jacob to the game and then letting him spend the night. Thank you for Dr. Aston coming over and giving us flu shots. Thank you for Acenitec spraying our house for free. Thank you for the neighbors putting up our Christmas lights. Thank you for Gail Vines bringing us dinner. Thank you for the $500 from the people we met at Kamp last summer. Thank you for not leaving us alone. Thank you for the hope of joy beyond the grief."

Friday, November 7, 2008 8:14 AM CST

Ugh. I just took Audra and Will to school. Audra is a wonderful child who is almost always happy. Today she was happily singing Christmas carols and I felt like I was going to throw up. At Christmastime, Anna always made us sing carols in the car. I remember many times I didn't really feel like singing, but she insisted.
Tomorrow I am supposed to lead a seminar called "Surviving the Holidays". I KNOW I'm not qualified but I have a STRONG desire to help grieving people. Trusting God and helping others have been the two best things I have done to heal. Pray for Richard and I tomorrow--not that we would have all the answers because obviously we are a "work in progress"--but pray that we would reflect the love of Jesus as we reach out to hurting people. Pray that we would encourage others to take their eyes off of their hurt and focus on the hope of Christmas. Pray that I won't throw up.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008 2:44 PM CST

I am not going to comment on the election other than to ask if anyone else got their free chicken nuggets at Chic-fil-a yesterday? I could have gotten a Krisy Kreme donut or a cup of Starbucks coffee if I had wanted, but I chose the chicken. (Were you aware of the benefits of your little "I Voted" sticker yesterday?) When I combined my sticker with the coupon for a large iced tea I got out of the calendar my friend Katie gave me for Christmas last year, I paid 0.00! My friends may call me cheap, but I prefer frugal. I actually think I was born to live in a recession--or even a depression. It's just the way my mind works.
I don't know what all of that has to do with the "tea in China"---just a few random thoughts before I go pick up the dog from the groomers and the kids from school. Speaking of kids, I messed up. I promised them the flu mist this year, but I waited too long and the pediatrician was out so they had to get shots. To make it up to them I let them sleep in this morning until they had to get ready for their appointment at 9:45. I think that was fair, but Will is trying to get a toy out of the deal.

Monday, November 3, 2008 8:35 PM CST

"Do we call it dying when the bud bursts into flower?"

On this day last year we took the kids to see Santa at North Pole City. I had called ahead so they knew we were coming. They treated us so kind. We had a special time with Santa in his sleigh. Anna was not at all afraid of him. She went right to him and sat on his lap and talked to him.
After she died, Will was worried that Anna might have been "shy" of Jesus. I reminded him of how she was with Santa. I told him that Jesus was even more kind and gentle than Santa. I was sure that she went right to him. I am so thankful that God allowed us a "picture" of how Anna would look on Jesus' lap.

Sunday, November 2, 2008 7:07 AM CST

"As I was among the captives by the river of Chebar, the heavens were opened and I saw visions of God." (Ezek. 1:1)

"If we are to receive benefit from our captivity we must accept the situation and turn it to the best possible account. Fretting over that...which has been taken away from us, will not make things better, but it will prevent us from improving those which remain. It is through our trials and afflictions that God gives us fresh revelations of Himself." (W. Taylor)

"Then the Lord took hold of me, and he said to me, 'Go out into the valley and I will talk to you there.' So I got up and went, and there I saw the glory of the Lord." (Ezek. 3:22-23)

Those are quotes I wrote down in my journal on this day last year--before Anna died. I was trusting that I WOULD see God in my captivity, in my valley, in my trials and afflictions. If you will read my journal since November 25, you will see that God has been faithful to give fresh revelations of himself and to show me his glory. WHY didn't he choose to receive glory in Anna's healing? I don't know, but he has been glorified in her death.

On this day one year ago I came downstairs and found Anna standing in the closet doorway. She was picking out shoes to wear because she wanted to go to Sams Club. This was the first time she had gotten off the couch by herself in weeks. So I called Richard and we took her to Sams club for samples. We all had a GREAT time and I am so THANKFUL for that day. It was a gift.
Today is too. It's not the same. It's tinged with sorrow and tempted by bitterness, but it's still a gift. Will I take it? Will I just survive it? Or will I live it abundantly? It's my choice---again.

Saturday, November 1, 2008 8:28 PM CDT

I TRIED
Last year we had such last minute drama/trauma involving Halloween costumes. I was determined that this year would be different. I asked everyone what they wanted to be and I rounded up what they needed--over a week ago. Yesterday after school they changed their minds. Hannah Montana became a Montana farm girl and Michael Phelps became Darth Vader. Oh well, I tried.

I WORKED
Last night we went to our church's Trunk-or-Treat. Our trunk was "Goofy Golf". Richard wore his Goofy costume and spent the evening chasing golf balls around the parking lot. I wore my robe and curlers and passed out candy from my laundry basket. I was very serious when I told the children, "My husband came home from work early and I didn't have time to put on my costume." The parents smiled, but the kids would nod their heads.

I LOVED
This week I was blessed by an 8 year old boy. On some days I can feel God loving other people through me. (Other days I want to lock myself at home and not talk to anyone, but that's another story.) On Thursday I was in Will's classroom helping some students with their math. I was REALLY enjoying loving on those kids. I know it had to be the love of God because it's not something I can conjure up on my own. Anyway, I was talking to the kids when I overheard a little boy, "Albert", say to no one in particular, "I wish I was Will."
Oh Albert, Will has been through a lot, but he does have a mama who loves him. I hope you do too.

I PRAYED
"Lord, thank you for pouring your love through me. Forgive me when I 'stop up' the flow with sin and selfishness. Please continue to love others through me. It feels so good."

Friday, October 31, 2008 9:55 AM CDT

Here's the latest info on the upcoming events......

SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS

"No matter how long it's been since your loved one died grief can make the holidays a painful time. But there's hope. Join us for an encouraging seminar that will help you survive the holidays and discover new reasons to enjoy them again."
Saturday November 8, 9:30-11:30am, Northwest Baptist Church Parlor

ANNA SALAMY MEMORIAL BLOOD DRIVE

"No matter how long it's been since you've given blood, it can be a painful time." (That's a joke! I was copying the sentence in the paragraph above in case you didn't notice :-)
Seriously, come give the gift of life in Anna's memory on Monday, November 24 from 2-7pm at Northwest Baptist Church. We will have Sponge Bob bandaids, refreshing refreshments, Anna's favorite movies, and one lucky donor will win a football autographed by Anna's friend Bob Stoops.
I am also planning to bring our Butterfly tree. Last year it was a Christmas tree, but after Anna died we exchanged the Christmas ornaments for butterflies and left it in the living room. My crafty friend Kay is going to have a table set up where you can make a butterfly to add to our tree.
Movies, food, games, crafts.....it sounds like a party! Maybe you won't even notice the needle in your arm.
If you can't give blood, stop by and make a butterfly, have a cookie....and bring a book to donate to the bookshelf in Anna's Room at the hospital.
See you then!

( Email me what time you are coming so I can reserve a slot for you. Only 86 left!)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 11:30 AM CDT

Sorry I'm not technically savvy enough to put a video on this site. But if you would like to be blessed today (and you have an extra 6 minutes), go to this website and watch the video.

http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/570/99-Balloons

Monday, October 27, 2008 8:57 PM CDT

"No good thing will the Lord withhold from those who do what is right." (Ps. 84:11)

We enjoyed celebrating the marriage of our friends Jennifer and John this weekend. Richard and I had a "date night" Friday as we left the kids and went to the rehearsal dinner in Norman. Jennifer made me cry when she passed out the attendant gifts. She gave us a pink shadow box containing the wedding program, dum-dums, butterflies, a picture of Anna, and a copy of "Junie B. Jones is (almost) a Flower Girl". It was a very beautiful gift.
The next night at the wedding we were overwhelmed by the basket of dum-dums, the butterfly cookies, the butterflies in the brides bouquet, the pictures of Anna, the tribute to Anna on the back of the program, and the BUTTERFLY ICE SCULPTURE! I was so blessed to know that my daughter had touched someone's life so much that they would want to remember her on their special day. It was quite an honor let me tell you!
I'm going to quote what was on the back of the program.....

"The flower girl spot has been left vacant in memory and in honor of my sweet friend Anna Jane. Anna brought so much joy into my life. Although I knew in my heart she probably wouldn't live long enough to be in my wedding, I dreamed of her being my flower girl because she would have loved to have had the chance to wear a pretty dress. I have included several things in the ceremony especially for Anna. She loved Dum Dum suckers so I have filled a flower girl basket with her favorite suckers instead of flower petals. Please enjoy a Dum Dum today in honor of Anna. Her favorite flavor was cotton candy! Anna also loved butterflies, so I have included butterflies in my bouquet. If you look close, you will probably spot butterflies throughout the night. They are just a small reminder of the huge impact that Anna had on my life."

Saturday, October 25, 2008 10:06 AM CDT

WILL'S WORDS...

"Mom, I know how to capture a girl."
"Really? How?"
"If you grab her hair, she has to come with you or it hurts."

A NIGHT OF WORSHIP...

We had a great time at the concert. I started crying as soon as I saw Steven Curtis Chapman. He and MWS began the concert by singing "Blessed Be Your Name."

"Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name"

SCC talked a lot about the loss of Maria and how that challenged him to examine everything he believed. He added a new verse to one of his songs ("Yours") that explains his faith.

"I’ve walked the valley of death’s shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I’ve had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here
in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you"

He also played Richard's favorite song, "Magnificent Obsession".....

"Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life’s complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I’m chasing down the wind
But now it’s brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I’ve never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You’ve shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You"

My favorite thing they said was that there are only two days that matter in life, "This day" and "That day". Those are the only two days we can count on--today and the day when Christ will make all things new.

"So breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment

There's only One who knows
What's really out there waiting
And all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He's out there waiting
To Him the future's history

And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about
So breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment"

Thursday, October 23, 2008 11:32 AM CDT

Today I am taking Richard to Tulsa to see Michael W. Smith and Stephen Curtis Chapman in concert. (It's an early b-day present.) We feel a unique "bond" to SCC since he lost his 5 year old daughter earlier this year. I fully expect our girls to introduce us someday in heaven. We are having to squeeze our trip in between Jacob's awards assembly this afternoon and Will's awards assembly tomorrow afternoon. What a wonderful scheduling problem to have!

Tomorrow night we will represent Anna at our friend Jennifer's rehearsal dinner and then Saturday at her wedding. Jennifer will be carrying butterflies in her bouquet in memory of her honorary flower girl. I think she may be passing out dum-dums as well. What a special time it will be to remember our girl. Anna would have loved getting to dress up. Two of her friends from the clinic are acting as junior bridesmaids so we will enjoy getting to see them again.

Forgive me for letting anyone think that I came up with yesterday's post all on my own. The words were mine, but the thought came from a GriefShare video we watched last week. (Now Shawna can stop calling me "Wise Woman".)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008 8:37 PM CDT

Ask a Different Question......

"Why God?" "Why?" "Why did this happen?" "Why?"

Do you remember the guessing game where someone puts the name of an animal on your back and you have to ask questions to try to figure out what you are? For example, let's say you have the word "cat" taped to your back. You start asking questions.
"Do I make a noise?
"Can I fly?"
"Do I have fur?"
"Am I bigger than a breadbox?"
You get the idea.

What if you kept asking the SAME QUESTION?
"Can I fly?" (no)
"Can I fly?" (no)
"Can I fly?" (no)
You would NEVER get any further in your understanding if you kept asking the same question.
It's the same way with God. I can ask "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" and never get any further in my understanding. Or I can ASK A DIFFERENT QUESTION.
"What are you trying to teach me?"
"How can this make me more like you?"
"How can you be glorified in this?"
"How can you use this for good?"
"How should I respond?"

Don't keep asking the same question...... or you'll never win.

Monday, October 20, 2008 8:56 AM CDT

"But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit." (Jer. 17:7-8)

We read this verse yesterday during our family worship time on our patio overlooking Table Rock Lake. We talked about how the trees by the lake don't have to worry about the heat or drought because they are near the source of water. We compared that to how we don't have to worry about hard times in our lives if we stay connected to the source of "living water". If we trust in God and make him our hope, we can go on producing fruit--even in the hardest of times. Our children have seen this first hand. They have lived it. What a blessing to be able to show them this verse yesterday at the lake.
When we went outside, I told the kids to look out over the lake and tell me what song that made them want to sing. Will picked "I'll Fly Away". We sang that song at Anna's grave site service. It doesn't make him sad. It makes him happy!

Some bright morning when this life is over
I'll fly away
To that home on God's celestial shore
I'll fly away

I'll fly away oh glory
I'll fly away (in the morning)
When I die hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

Just a few more weary days and then
I'll fly away
To a land where joys will never end
I'll fly away

Thursday, October 16, 2008 6:38 AM CDT

I heard this song during the movie "Fireproof" and I've been listening to it all week.....

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

("While I'm Waiting", John Waller)

Some days are more peaceful than others. I have struggled with getting ready to go on our trip. I have gotten used to being at home without Anna, but I still haven't gotten used to leaving without her....

Don't forget about the upcoming events.....
November 8--Surviving the Holidays
November 15--Richard's Birthday and the Cancer Classic
November 24--Memorial Blood Drive

Tuesday, October 14, 2008 8:41 PM CDT

We got the posters for the blood drive today. Let me know if you would like to have one to put up at your place of employment. They have a really cute picture of Anna on them. The picture was taken at the clinic by a professional photographer (Lisa Doss). Anna had an NG tube at the time, but Lisa was kind enough to air brush it out.
I was thinking about playing the slideshow from Anna's memorial service at the blood drive, but I was afraid that would make people sad. Instead I've decided to play some of Anna's favorite movies. We will also have Sponge Bob band-Aids or pink armbands to cover up your "poke". I am also working on a special door prize that I will announce later---but it's going to be good. Please plan to come on November 24 between 2 and 7pm. (Northwest Baptist Church, OKC)

Monday, October 13, 2008 12:59 AM CDT

A message to Ashley....

Thank you for writing in the guestbook. Your words meant so much to me. I stand amazed at how God can use an unrelated google search to lead someone back to him. I have been blessed to see how God continues to fulfill his purpose for Anna. Her life and death are being woven into a beautiful tapestry for His glory. I miss her desperately and long for the day when I will see her again, but until then, I will be thankful for what I do have. I am thankful for my family, my friends, and you. Today you "are my joy and my reward". (Phil 4:1)

Each of you who have let me know that God has used our story to draw you closer to him are "my joy and my reward." Thank you.

(PS>The photo above was taken in December of '06. We had gone to a party at the hospital and then to see Santa Claus 3. Notice the face painting, Mrs. Claus costume, black boots, and Clifford panties.)

Saturday, October 11, 2008 9:17 PM CDT

Will is playing Upwards flag football. It has been great fun to watch. He is actually pretty good, but sometimes those flags can be a little tricky to get off. Today Will caught a pass and was running for a touchdown. The defensive player chased Will down and grabbed his flag....and his shorts....and his underwear. It was a full "moon"! Will laughed it off even though I'm sure he was embarrassed. At the end of the game the coach passed out stickers for "Best Offense", "Best Defense", "Best Effort", etc. Will got the award for being "Most Christlike". The coach said it was because he had a good attitude and didn't get mad or upset when he lost his shorts. Our friend said it was a perfect example of Jesus' command to "turn the other cheek". (ha-ha)

Tonight Richard and I left the kids with his folks while we went to see the movie "Fireproof". It was very good and I would highly recommend going to see it if you haven't already.

Friday, October 10, 2008 9:00 AM CDT

Upcoming Events.....

November 8 at Northwest Baptist Church
GriefShare: Surviving the Holidays
This is for everyone who struggles with facing the holidays after the death of a loved one. This is a one-time GriefShare session that will help you find practical answers to these questions:

• How do I deal with the pain of the holidays?
• How do I decide what activities to participate in this holiday season?
• Should I accept or decline invitations to holiday parties?
• What should I do if I get emotional at a party or event?
• How can God and others help me this holiday season?
• Will I ever enjoy the holidays again?

November 15 at Stars and Stripes Park
Outrun Cancer: Putnam City Cancer Classic
This is a 5k race and a 1 mile fun run that will benefit cancer research. It is sponsored by our local school district. It is also Richard's birthday! Come join our whole family as we celebrate with a purpose. We'll have a cooler with drinks and bagels at the finish line.
For more info contact Putnam City Schools or Windsor Hills Elementary.

November 24 at Northwest Baptist Church
Anna Salamy Memorial Blood Drive
To honor the one year anniversary of Anna's death we are having a blood drive. The hours are 2-7pm. Email me at the address below if you would like to donate and tell me what time is good for you. I will email you a reminder the week before the drive.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008 9:13 PM CDT

A high compliment....

I received a wonderful compliment today. I took it well---not like the compliment I heard so often after Anna died. People used to come up to me and say, "You look good!" To me it sounded like, "Oh look, you're dressed!" or "Oh look, you combed your hair!" I didn't much care how I looked, but people were always making comments about it.
But today's compliment came from a child. I was joking with Will about his Halloween costume. I told him he should wear a speedo and go as Michael Phelps. We were laughing and Will's friend said, "Boy Will, your family is definitely more fun than mine!"
I thought that was hilarious. I remember when I was a kid thinking that the Hutchersons were more fun than my family. (Probably because Mrs. Hutcherson used to let me wear her black girdle and pretend I was Olivia Newton John in "Grease".) The grass is always greener....someone else's parents are always funnier.....
After all that we have been through, to be called the "fun family" is a high compliment indeed.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008 1:20 PM CDT

He leads me......

This summer when we were in Branson I described our trip with words from the 23rd Psalm ...."He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul." That was exactly how I felt each day I was there.
We bought tickets and had planned to surprise the kids with a trip to Silver Dollar City on the last day of our vacation. Unfortunately, Audra got sick so we had to go straight home. We decided to use the tickets this fall before they expired. In the summer, we always stay at the K-Kaui Kamp so I had no idea where to stay in the fall. I googled Branson hotels and found hundreds of places to stay. I was overwhelmed. Richard's parents are going with us so I knew we needed certain amenities like indoor plumbing. Finally I found a three bedroom condo on the lake that was a good price. I made the reservation. I received a confirmation in the mail. I put the envelope by my bed. The other day I glanced over and finally noticed the name on the envelope---Still Waters Resort.
"He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul."

Monday, October 6, 2008 11:59 AM CDT

This morning at my heaven study the leader played a song that reminded me of something Anna said last year. I wrote it down in my journal so I wouldn't forget. On October 1 she was having trouble sleeping. I don't know if she was in pain or what was the cause of her insomnia, but some nights she was unable to escape her suffering even temporarily through sleep. Finally she asked me,
"Is the night almost over?"

The timeless theme, Earth and Heaven will pass away.
It’s not a dream, God will make all things new that day.
Gone is the curse from which I stumbled and fell.
Evil is banished to eternal hell.

NO MORE NIGHT. NO MORE PAIN.
NO MORE TEARS. NEVER CRYING AGAIN.
And praises to the great "I AM."
We will live in the light of the risen Lamb.

See all around, now the nations bow down to sing.
The only sound is the praises to Christ, our King.
Slowly the names from the book are read.
I know the King, so there’s no need to dread.

No more night. No more pain.
No more tears. Never crying again.
And praises to the great "I AM."
We will live in the light of the risen Lamb.

See over there, there’s a mansion, that’s prepared just for me,
Where I will live with my savior eternally.

No more night. No more pain.
No more tears. Never crying again.
And praises to the great "I AM."
We will live in the light of the risen Lamb.

All praises to the great "I AM."
We’re gonna live in the light of the risen Lamb.

("No More Night", by Walt Harrah)

Yes, Anna. The night is over. Live in the Light sweet girl.

Saturday, October 4, 2008 5:32 PM CDT

Ambushed....

I went to a ladies prayer meeting this week at a friends house. I didn't know very many people there. I asked one woman if she was related to Anna's GI because they had the same last name. She said that he was her husband. I told her that my daughter had been a patient of his. She kind of nodded her head and told me that people tell her that all the time. (Evidently there are not a lot of pediatric GI's in OKC.) I didn't say anything else. I stood there for a couple of minutes before excusing myself to the bathroom where I fell apart. I was sobbing and shaking. My teeth were chattering. I have no idea why I had that reaction. Was it because I didn't say what I wanted to say? ("My daughter died. Your husband would remember us. He sent a nice sympathy card.") Was it because of the memories that were brought back? I don't know.
I was ambushed by grief.....and I was doing so well. Last week I was feeling guilty for feeling so good. I told Richard that I thought I was feeling too good and he told me that I was just feeling normal. I realized that I haven't felt normal in a long time. I have learned to live with a certain level of stress, sorrow and pain. Now that that burden is being lifted, it feels strange. This week reminded me that I'm not "normal" yet. I probably will never be "normal" again.....but then, who is?

The rest of the story....
When I was in the bathroom I did what the books recommend and "leaned into the pain". I let my shaking run it's course, wiped my face, and then went back out to the meeting. The hostess asked for volunteers to read three verses out loud. Someone volunteered for the first one. Someone else volunteered for the third one. I waited, then said, "I'll read the second one." I opened my Bible and read, "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." (Neh. 8:10)

Do any of you still doubt that God speaks to us through his Word?

Thursday, October 2, 2008 10:18 AM CDT

Pray for your oncologist.....

Last night I had a dream that Anna's oncologist came to our house. He walked in and was putting on latex gloves and looking around for her. He was obviously there to examine her. I told him that she was gone. He sat down and put his head in his hands. I knelt down beside him and told him I would pray for him.
It must be a hard job.
Pray for your oncologist.
If you don't have one, thank God... and then pray for mine.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008 9:28 AM CDT

A new song for a new day.....

"Whatever You're Doing" (Something Heavenly) by Sactus Real

It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

Sunday, September 28, 2008 8:38 PM CDT

We survived another sleep over. (I called it a slumber party and one of the boys said, "Slumber parties are for girls. This is a sleep over.") It was a very loud and active party. Did you know that 8 year old boys TALK LIKE THIS? They also like to sword fight, run, swing, pillow fight, wrestle, and eat pudding without their hands. After the pudding, I ran them all through the shower. I set out six towels for six boys. When they were finished, there were still three towels folded up where I left them. At midnight when we finally forced them to hold still and be quiet, they were asleep in minutes. The next morning I was still in bed when I started to hear whispering. It took 2 seconds before the volume escalated to the level from the night before. They must have been comparing dreams because this is what I heard, "WELL, I DREAMED THAT I FELL OFF A CLIFF INTO HOT LAVA!", and then "WELL, IN MY DREAM A GIRL VOMITED!" and so on and so forth.....
Will said it was the best party he had ever been to.

(Check out the party pics on the photo page. You can't get the full effect of the cake from the picture. It was a bundt cake and I filled the middle hole with gummy worms. When we cut the cake, the worms kind of fell out in a blob. It was realistic enough to keep me from trying a piece. I don't have a photo of the ice-cream. It was a scoop of vanilla with strawberry sauce drizzled over it and a marshmallow eyeball on top. Can you believe that I will do gross things like that, but I won't have anything to do with skeletons, zombies, or witches? Gross is fine---anything scary or having to do with death is NOT fine.)

Thursday, September 25, 2008 1:20 PM CDT

This morning I was the substitute PE teacher at Will and Audra's school. (Note to PE teachers: If you have a sub, don't leave it to them to teach the kids a brand new game.) The game was called "Squirrel Attack". It involved scooting around on scooters to try to get three balls in your team's hula hoop. Can you imagine the looks I got when I was telling 3rd grade boys that they were allowed to steal each others balls? Then someone asked why it was called Squirrel Attack and I said that maybe they could pretend the balls were their nuts--this was also a very funny thing to say to 8 year old boys.
Right now I am baking a cake for Will's birthday tomorrow. When it's finished, it is supposed to look like a mound of dirt with gummy worms, eyeballs, and bugs on it. I also have the vanilla ice cream and blood (strawberry syrup). Can you tell that I let Will help plan his birthday? For such a sweet boy, he is awfully gross.

Update 7:30pm--After baking the cake, I went to Jacob's school for David Haywood Day. We know David from the clinic and he is also one of Jacob's classmates. He has been too sick to attend school this year. Today was his 13th birthday so some friends from the hospital and Ally's house planned a "Lucky 13 Tour". They picked him up in a limo and made 13 stops including the capital where the governor declared today to be David Haywood Day, a visit with the OKC Thunder players, and a trip to the mall to see Jason White. They ended the tour at the OU football practice. When he got to the school the entire 7th grade met him outside with a banner and balloons. (David is too weak right now to walk or stand for very long.) The band played "Happy Birthday" while the other kids sang. The news cameras were there. I think Fox 25 got the most footage and they were also able to interview David and his mom.
(Update....It was on the news at 9:20. You could see me walk in front of the camera to move a traffic cone--oops. You could also see Jacob playing his trombone in the band--go Jacob!)

(The picture above was taken last September.)

Sunday, September 21, 2008 8:43 PM CDT

"O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge." (Ps. 62:8)

Last week a friend confided to me that someone in her family had run out of cancer treatment options. She asked if there were any books I had read when Anna was sick that I would recommend. Because I assumed she was asking for a book about facing death, I said that I didn't know of any.
Later I realized that of course I had read a book EVERY DAY that helped me. The ONLY thing that gave me ANY sort of comfort when we were living in the face of death was the Bible. The only book that gave me any hope that Anna's suffering was going to be exchanged for eternal glory was the Bible. The only book that gave me hope that my suffering was something that God could use to fulfill his purpose for me was the Bible. The only book that promised that I was not alone and would NEVER be alone was the Bible.
So yes, there is a book I would recommend.

Thursday, September 18, 2008 10:48 AM CDT

We are enjoying our hectic new normal--most of the time. My life before Anna died consisted of home or hospital. I never needed a date book to keep track of my activities. I didn't have any! Now I am living the life of a taxi mom, and except for the high price of gas, it's growing on me. The kids seem to be enjoying their new normal as well. They were also used to spending a lot of time at home, since I wasn't free to take them anywhere.
Now, don't misunderstand, this is an UNWELCOME FREEDOM for me. I would trade everything to have my girl back, but since I can't do that, it helps me to look at what is good about our life now instead of what I hate about it.
Here is a sample 4 hours:
Yesterday after school I took Will and a friend to gymnastics at 4. I came home and helped Audra with a poster she was working on, fed her and Jacob a snack supper, packed Will's food in his lunchbox to eat in the car, then went back to pick him up at 5:15. We headed straight to church where Richard and I were leading the GriefShare class at 6:00. When we got to the church, we had to find someone to unlock the room, rearrange the tables, find a DVD player, and then find the people who had agreed to keep an eye on the kids at the Back to School Carnival in the parking lot. Earlier in the day Richard had arranged for someone to pick Jacob up at the church and take him to his 7:30 baseball game. At 8:00 I took two kids, two cakes, and three two liters of soda home while Richard headed to the ball game. Whew!

Monday, September 15, 2008 12:56 AM CDT

Oh Happy Day.....

God is so good to love on us and bless us with happy days. Yesterday after church Audra, Will and I went to the fair. It was a beautiful day. We met our friends at the High School Musical Ice Show (thank you "Grandpa" Tim for the tickets!) The kids and I had a great time singing along. Afterwards we went to the art tent where Audra had a drawing displayed. Her work received a merit award. Then we went to the Agtropolis where we got to pet cows, pigs, and baby chicks. Then because I got tired of saying "no" to all the rides, I let the kids play one of the midway games. They lost, but on this particular game "Everyone's a winner!" so they both walked away with a stuffed dog.
While we were doing all of that, Richard had taken Jacob to his first Cotillion. I wasn't sure how Jacob would like learning manners and dancing, but he LOVED it. I think he loved being "in demand" as there were fewer boys than girls. Speaking of Jacob, this morning when I dropped him off at school he mumbled (do all 12 year old boys mumble?), "I love you." I smiled and asked him if he wanted a hug and kiss. He said, "No, but thanks for asking."
After dropping Jacob off I had a few minutes before I needed to go to my new Bible study on Heaven so I went to the cemetery. I stood on Anna's grave--knowing that her spirit wasn't there, but longing to be as close as I could to the little body that I cared for and fought for. As I was standing there, a little butterfly came and landed at my feet. (I swear I am not making this up!) Later, during the study I was reminded again of the living hope that we have and that I need to fix my eyes on what is unseen.
So grief is a part of our life now, but we do have happy days...and we have hope.

Thursday, September 11, 2008 9:42 PM CDT

Count Your Blessings....

We received a blessing in the mail this week. One of our good friends in Kansas was talking to his five children about Anna and one of his sons wanted to draw us a picture. He drew five people and a dog standing outside a house with a sixth person in the clouds. On the back of the paper he wrote, "Dear Salamys, Sorry that Anna died I hope you had fun at disneyworld I cried last night about Anna I drew her in the cloud because she is in heaven. love, Jonah."
(Thank you Lord for continuing to touch people with Anna's story. Thank you for Jonah's perfect picture of our family.)

I received a blessing in a book. A friend called to invite me to attend a Bible study with her. She went the first week and knew that it was something I would like to study so she went ahead and bought me the book even before she asked me. The book is called "Heavenly Minded for Earthly Good; A Study of Life in Heaven that Will Forever Change Your Life On Earth." When I opened the book I saw that she had written, "Marlo, I'm looking forward to learning all about Anna's new home together! Love you, Teri"
(Thank you God for friends who walk with me on this journey. Thank you for those who have reached out to me when I was "stuck" in my grief. Thank you for giving me strength to start reaching out to others.)

I received a blessing in a tamale. Tonight after I dropped Audra off at piano, Will and I walked around the corner to visit our friends. They were just getting home with bags of chips and salsa and tamales. They invited us to join them. We sat in the kitchen and visited and ate while the kids played. It was fun and unplanned.
(Thank you God for friends who make us feel welcome when we drop by. Thank you for fellowship around a kitchen table.)

I received a blessing in a class. We had our first GriefShare meeting last night. We laughed, we cried, we shared.
(Thank you Lord for each person who came. Thank you for giving Richard and I the opportunity to comfort others with the comfort we have received.)

"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 1:37 PM CDT

I have been out shopping for a bed for Anna's Room this week. I found exactly what I was looking for at Mathis Brothers today. If anyone knows the Mathis brothers and would like to tell them about the Ronald McDonald Family Room and the opportunity they have to make a tax-deductible donation please let me know. I told Lucky about it, but of course he doesn't have that kind of power. (That was my salesman's name. It lends itself to all sorts of quips like, "Boy, did I get Lucky!")
I also paid a visit to the hospital today. The walls have been textured and primed, but not yet painted. I also went to Lowe's to see a sample of the paint that the decorator chose---Dockside Haze. Doesn't that sound peaceful? We have a professional decorator who is donating her services. She has a son who is a cancer survivor and was treated at OU. It's a great way for her to "give back". Since I am color blind, I need all the help I can get!

I have to tell you what made me laugh yesterday. I was scrapbooking with some friends at church. One of them said that my post about the halter top made her laugh. She said she was trying to imagine what kind of halter top I would BUY--much less WEAR. She said, "I thought it probably wasn't one of those bandana kind." The thought of me wearing a bandana top made me laugh SO HARD. Just so that no one else is tempted to try to picture me in a bandana, I have put a concert picture on the photo page.
(Sorry, I had to delete the picture because someone else in the photo didn't think the picture did them justice. Of course we are all much prettierl--and thinner--in person.)

Monday, September 8, 2008 10:17 AM CDT

"For then the dust will return to the earth, and the spirit will return to God who gave it." (Ecc. 12:7)

Last night Richard was telling me about when he was outside reading and a butterfly came and landed in front of him. He sat and watched it and was enjoying looking at all its colors . Then the butterfly flew away. He said his first thought was, "Come back. I'm not done enjoying you yet. I'm not done looking at you." Tears started streaming down my face because that is how we felt when Anna "flew away". "Come back! We're not done enjoying you yet. Stay longer!" Just like the butterfly flew away, Anna's spirit returned to God who gave it.
I am thankful that I get to spend the rest of my life in joyful anticipation of a heavenly reunion. Some people enjoy this life so much that they don't want to think about dying. Heaven doesn't sound that great to someone who has everything they want down here. It sounds great to me because I have a treasure there.
"Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also..." (Matt. 6:21)

Friday, September 5, 2008 9:20 AM CDT

You are the author of knowledge
You can redeem what's been done
You hold the present and all that's to come
Until your everlasting kingdom

Lord, I don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead me to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt

You are the God of tomorrow
Turning the darkness to dawn
Lifting the hopeless with hope to go on
You are the rock of all salvation

Oh, Lord, you are the author
Redeeming what's been done
You hold us in the present
And all that is to come

Lord, we don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead us to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt

(Lord (I Don't Know), Newsboys)

Wondering how this all works out, and trusting the One who can redeem what has been done.....

Wednesday, September 3, 2008 9:40 PM CDT

Here are a few verses that encouraged me this week......

"All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others... You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort THROUGH Christ." (2 Cor. 1:3-4)

"But he knows where I am going... So he will do for me all he has planned. He controls my destiny." (Job 23:10, 14)

"Our hearts ache, but we always have joy." (2 Cor. 6:10)

"Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don't have." (Ecc. 6:9)

I am so thankful to have God's word to guide me down this path.

I have been home this week taking care of Audra. The doctor said she wins the prize for having the biggest tonsils. We've ruled out strep and mono so now we just have to wait for the virus to run its course. I was glad to have my mom here for a couple of days to help out. We had planned to have some fun "girl" time while the kids were at school, but it didn't work out that way. We ended up doing laundry, filling nail holes and baking cookies for the 4th grade bake sale. I guess that could be fun "girl" time. It's all in how you look at it.

Monday, September 1, 2008 10:32 AM CDT

We have been enjoying a weekend get-away to Wichita. We have stayed busy with the zoo, paintball, swimming, playing at the park, and birthday shopping. We also enjoyed being able to attend my aunt's annual Labor Day fish fry. It was great to see our extended family who have been so supportive of us during the past few years. There were several new additions that I hadn't met yet. Will said, "If we're related to everyone here, why did you say 'Nice to meet you'?" If your family get-togethers are like ours, there is always someone new!
We had a bit of excitement Saturday morning. Richard and I were awakened by Audra running into our room crying hysterically. When she was finally able to tell us what was wrong, she said, "I burned my blankie!" She was up early and wanted to read, but she didn't want anyone to see that her light was on so she wrapped her blankie around the light bulb. When I told her that she was lucky she hadn't started a fire, she said, "Yeah, then I would have lost my blankie AND my webkinz." I said, "Uh, yeah....and Grammy and Papa's HOUSE!!" Blankie had to have major surgery to cut out the burnt part, but hopefully that will serve as a reminder to not put anything on a lightbulb again.
I have been thinking about Anna a lot this weekend. There are pictures of her all over my parents' house. I realize that I have pictures at my house too, but I have gotten used to those (like a post-it note that you stop noticing after a few days.) I don't see these pictures every day so I find myself looking at them....and remembering.

Friday, August 29, 2008 10:45 AM CDT

American Idol LIVE!

Two nights ago after I put the kids to bed, a friend called and offered me a ticket to the American Idol concert the next night. Of course I said YES! Yesterday I spent time trying to find something besides "Mom" clothes in my closet. I finally dug out my $125 halter top that I had never worn. It was perfect "concert" wear. (OF COURSE I didn't pay $125. That's just what the tag said. I only paid $25.) I was feeling good and looking forward to my big night out. At 4 o'clock I got a call from the preacher's wife saying that the "American Idol Fairy" had also called and given her a ticket and could she ride with me.
I said, "Well, there's one problem. I don't have time to pick out another outfit and I was going to wear a halter top. How can I wear a halter top if I'm going out with the preacher's wife?" She was so kind and said, "Girl, you wear whatever you want!" So I went to the concert with my wild church friends and we had a great time. There were several times when one of the idols would say, "Wow, Oklahoma City you know how to PAR-TY!" I looked at the Sunday School teacher on my right and the preacher's wife on my left and thought, "Is he talking to me? Are we party-ing? Because I've never seen myself as someone who knows how to 'par-ty'." I think Oklahoma City knows how to scream, I'm not sure about the party part.
My favorite was David Cook. He is a fantastic singer and performer, but I think a sign that a person may have let fame go to their head is when they assume that someone in the audience would like to have their used water bottle. Maybe I'm old, but that is just gross.
Thank you "American Idol Fairy" for the tickets. You rock!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008 9:08 AM CDT

Hard Things?

Yesterday I volunteered to help out in Will's class. That is something I have NEVER been able to do before. Even before Anna got sick, I couldn't help in the classroom because I always had little ones at home. It may be the first and last time I go. The teacher asked me to do some laminating. I have a masters degree. I have used a laminator many times. I could do that. Well, somehow in the time between turning on the machine and putting the paper in, the plastic got rolled around the wrong way. OOPS! I was so embarrassed. I didn't want to tell anyone or ask for help so I got in the car and drove to Mardels where I have used the laminator many times with success. It took about two minutes to get everything done with no problems-- but then I had to go back to the school. On my way back I thought, "Woman! You have done harder things than this. When you leave the school today you are going to the cemetery to talk to someone about your daughter's headstone. If you can do that, you can tell someone you messed up the laminator!" I gave myself a stern talking to, then I marched in and told the secretary. I got the "look" I expected. Sigh. I told the kids that I would probably not be asked to volunteer at their school again. Audra said, "Well, my teacher just needs copies. She doesn't need laminating."
I wonder if Mardel's has a copy machine....

Sunday, August 24, 2008 5:16 PM CDT

"He floods the darkness with light; he brings light to the deepest gloom." (Job 12:22)

What hope we have! Why do we despair? Why do we feel hopeless?
"Lift up your eyes....your help comes from the Lord!" (Psalm 121:1-2)
This is SUCH a difficult road, but it goes on. It is not the end. I took a BIG step this week and filled out a volunteer application at a center for severely handicapped kids. I have always thought I wanted to work there so I thought I would try volunteering first.
The next day I went to look at monuments (also known as grave markers). I thought I did very well. I didn't cry ONE TIME. I found a beautiful "floor model" but now I have to go to the cemetery and ask for permission to have an "upright" rather than a "flat" stone. Of course this whole experience was new for me. I had a bit of "sticker shock" when I saw the estimate for the one I picked out. I asked, "Is that about average for a headstone?" The saleslady said, "Well, that stone is rather large for a child." There's just so much I want to say, I can't fit it on something small!

Thursday, August 21, 2008 10:12 AM CDT

Update Friday---I finally added some new pics to the Anna's Room Blog (see link below).

Well, everyone's finally back to school. Jacob started today. He got up at 6:15 and woke everyone else up--not on purpose, he's just not very quiet. This was quite a change from yesterday when I woke him up at 10:15! I made Audra and Will go back to bed until 7am. They don't need as much time to get ready. Jacob said he didn't want me to walk him in to school, but I did anyway. Everyone was impressed with his new faux-hawk hairdo. It's not my favorite, but then I'm not 12.
I have been home this morning working on the GriefShare registration form. I finally got it the way I wanted and even added a nice row of fall leaves along the bottom. I sent it to Richard for approval and he sent it back with just "one little change". He had added "Come join the fun at GriefShare!" at the bottom. Very funny. (One of our favorite lines from the Chronicles of Narnia is when the children are told about Aslan. They ask the beavers, "A lion? Is he safe?" The beaver answers, "Of course he's not safe, but he's good." Is GriefShare fun? Of course not, but it's good.)
We are watching one video a night so that we can see them all before we start the class. It is very INTENSE to have a grief group with your husband every night. One thing that stuck out to me from one of the videos was a lady who said, "If your definition of healing means the resurrection of your loved one, you will have to change your definition." If my definition of what will make me feel better is to have Anna back, I'm going to have to change my definition. Wow! That is something to think about.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008 4:19 PM CDT

"My name is Simon, I fish the sea.
Who is this Rabbi, what is he asking of me?
My name is Simon, he called me Rock.
Who is this Rabbi, is he asking for more than I've got?
Is he asking for more than I've got?"

(Peter's Theme, from "The Rock and the Rabbi")

The quote above is a song from a FANTASTIC musical called "The Rock and the Rabbi." It tells the story of the friendship between Peter and Jesus. I can relate to Peter's song as he asks, "What is Jesus doing--changing who I am?" "Is he asking for more than I've got?" In a later song, Peter again questions Jesus asking him to leave everything he has ever known. Jesus just says, "Follow me...leave your past behind...Do not fear for I will lead the way." I have often thought, "Lord you are asking too much of me. Why? I can't do this!" His response is the same...."Follow me. Trust me."
I know the future is something to look forward to, but why does the present have to be so hard? Why does he ask so much of us? The Bible promises that these "light and momentary afflictions are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." (2 Cor. 4:17) I doubt any of us would see our troubles as light or momentary, but that is because we don't have God's perspective. Oh, to be able to see the whole picture......
Someday our "faith shall be sight".

Monday, August 18, 2008 4:12 PM CDT

Just some funny stories today (a bit lighter than grief poetry).

Yesterday morning when I ate breakfast with Richard I thought he looked different. I wondered if I just hadn't seen him in those particular glasses for a while, but I didn't say anything. A couple of hours later as we were getting ready to leave for church I said, "You shaved your beard!" It took me that long to notice what was different. I tried to cover my faux-pas by telling him that what matters is how a man is on the inside and that was more important to me than what he looks like on the outside. It didn't help that when we walked into church, other people noticed right away.

The other funny thing happened after church. I was visiting with some friends and I could see Jacob and Audra messing with each other out of the corner of my eye. I told them to stop whatever they were doing. The next thing I knew, Audra had blood gushing out of her nose. I rushed her to the bathroom where there was blood all over the floor, her arms, her hair and her dress. We started to draw a crowd of concerned ladies. One of them said, "Oh, I used to get nosebleeds all the time when I was a girl." I told her that Audra had never had one before and that this one was somehow caused by her brother. Someone asked, "Does he feel bad?" I said, "If he doesn't, he will!" I found out later that it was technically Audra's hand that hit her nose. Of course it was Jacob's hand that hit Audra's hand.....

FYI--We are going to start a GriefShare group at our church on September 10 from 6-8pm. It is called "From Mourning to Joy". If you would like more information or would like to sign up, please email me at the address below. You can also get more information at griefshare.org

Saturday, August 16, 2008 7:13 PM CDT

LIFE IS EASIER NOW....
No more medicine schedules to follow
No more late night runs to the emergency room
No more waiting for lab results
No more 24/7 "all you can eat" buffet service
No more doctors
No more trips to Delaware
No more crying with you
No more watching you die

No more late night Sponge Bob
No more snuggling in bed
No more Junie B. Jones
No more doll houses
No more watching you sleep
No more hugs and kisses
No more laughing with you
No more hearing you say "I love you Mommy"
LIFE IS HARDER NOW.....

Wednesday, August 13, 2008 11:11 PM CDT

I am accidently up late watching men's gymnastics. I say "accidently" because I went to bed at 10 o'clock. After lying awake for an hour I got up and checked the tea I drank right before bed--yep, caffeine. My body is not used to any amount of caffeine so here I am watching the men compete for the gold. (Did you see the Japanese guy fall off the rings? OUCH!)
The kids seemed to have a good day today. Audra complained about the amount of paperwork, but she was thrilled to finally have real TEXTBOOKS. Will's favorite part of the day centered around extra recess and popsicles.
I spent part of my day looking at flooring. I actually cried while looking at tile. The store I was in was owned by the grandmother of a girl who had the same type of cancer as Anna. She also had a living donor transplant in Delaware. I knew their last name was the same as the name of the store, but I wasn't sure they were related until I asked. The woman helping me seemed a bit flustered by my emotions. I said something like, "I'll be okay... I really do need some flooring."
Next on my "to do" list is shopping for Anna's grave marker. I'm sure I will cry there too, but then they've probably seen that before. The tile lady was caught by surprise.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008 9:37 PM CDT

I'm already missing my kids and all I did was put them to bed early so they could wake up for the first day of school tomorrow. Is not wanting a quiet house reason enough to home-school? Probably not.
We'll see how the year goes.
Will is excited because his best buddies are in his class. Audra is not excited, but felt better after her Sittie brought her a "back-to-school" Webkinz. Jacob doesn't start until next week so he and I will be hitting the museums and maybe tackling a painting project this week. This time last year I was going with Anna to kindergarten. Sigh.
Press on!

Sunday, August 10, 2008 7:58 PM CDT

I noticed Anna's absence in a new way tonight. My family was in the den watching the Olympics and I was in the kitchen sneaking a spoonful of ice-cream. Anna would never have let me get away with having ice-cream without her. Even confined to the couch, she noticed EVERYTHING. She always kept an eye on what I was doing in the kitchen. If she asked for macaroni and cheese and then saw me open the refrigerator she would say, "You're not heating up leftovers are you? I want FRESH!" Tonight I missed her little voice saying, "What are you doing Mom?" The rest of my family was oblivious to my ice-cream escapade.

Funny observation---
The other day at Incredible Pizza Audra used her tickets to buy a "Floating Eye Ball". I know it's gross, but it was her choice. When I looked at the package it said, "Just place it into a cup of tea or into a glass of red wine."
How many kids at Incredible Pizza drink a cup of tea or a glass of red wine? Do people who drink tea or red wine use floating eye balls?
We just put in into a glass of water and it worked fine.

Thursday, August 7, 2008 2:40 PM CDT

Lynda asked for some Kamp photos so here's one from last year of Anna with her special friends Erica and Callie. I put a couple more pics on the photo page.
Today the boys surprised me by inviting friends to come home with us after VBS. Jacob's friend has a cell phone so they have been receiving text messages from a girl all afternoon. As far as I'm concerned that is another reason to NOT get Jacob his own phone. I did feel rather antiquated when we were looking at backpacks and I said, "What's this for?" It was the cell phone holder. Evidently EVERYONE ELSE in middle school has one.
Speaking of Jacob, when he was at Kamp he was with the ultra cool "Breakers" group. One night they had a scavenger hunt through Branson that pitted the boys against the girls. The losers had to jump into Lake Tanneycomo for 3 minutes. The water in that lake is about 45 degrees. It feels like sticking your hand in very cold ice water. The boys had a great plan to stay warm. They drank a liter of Coke before they went in and planned to "warm" themselves in the water (can you read between the lines there to know what I am talking about?) Unfortunately the lake was too COLD to complete their plan! I thought it was hilarious when they jumped out of the lake and ran straight towards the port-a-potty :-)

Tuesday, August 5, 2008 2:32 PM CDT

We have finally unpacked and put away the suitcases. Getting ready for a trip is so much more fun than coming home from one. While we were at Kamp we enjoyed visiting with Anna's counselors from last year. They drove from Nebraska and Alabama to see us. Thank you Erica and Callie for gifting us with your presence. Some of our other Kamp friends organized a short memorial service at the put-put course on the last day. It was very sweet of them to remember Anna in that way. We are already looking forward to next year. If anyone would like to join us, let me know and I will get you the information.
This week we are having Vacation Bible School at church. The kids are having a great time, but I am worn out. Tonight we are playing in a miniature golf tournament to benefit The Kids Place (our grief group). I think it might be a little HOT---like 103 degrees!

Friday, August 1, 2008 8:43 PM CDT

"The LORD is my shepherd...
He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength." (Ps. 23:2-3)

That verse describes my quiet time at Kamp when I sat in a rocking chair overlooking the morning fog on Lake Tanneycomo while sipping my hot tea.
We had a great week. We had planned to surprise the kids with a trip to Silver Dollar City after we checked out, but Audra woke up the last day with a sore throat so we headed home and put her to bed. After such a great (and exhausting) week it's easy to get run-down and vulnerable to attacks of despair. Last night I was reading the website of a little girl who was recently diagnosed with hepatoblastoma. It quoted a survival rate of 70-90 percent. I remember being comforted by those statistics at the beginning. Now they tend to "trigger" my grief...
"Anna was NOT supposed to die." "If only they had done chemo before surgery the results would have been different."
Those thoughts taunt me if I let them. I DON'T know that the outcome would have been different if her treatment had been different. I CAN'T know that. I MUST put those thoughts behind me. It's hard to let go of my own "wisdom". I must rely on God's wisdom that says that He will fulfill his purpose for me--and Anna (Ps. 138:8). It also says that every one of our days were written in His book before one of them came to be (Ps. 139:16). It says that all our worries cannot add a single moment to our lives (Matt. 6:27).
I don't always understand His ways. They don't always make sense. I must keep learning to trust what I cannot see. Each day I still have to make a choice of how I think. I have to replace my thoughts with HIS thoughts.

You awaken my heart
From slumbering
Meet me in mourning
And you speak to my grief

You're the light in my darkness
The delight of my eyes
The hope of the daybreak
When the sun's slow to rise

I trust that every moment's in your hands
You're the God of my days
The King of my nights
Lord of my laughter
Sovereign in sorrow
You're the Prince of my praise
The love of my life
You never leave me
You are faithful
God of my days

You unveil my eyes
Help me to see
The arms of my Father
Encircling me
You're a constant companion
I am never alone
Your love is the banner
That's leading me home

My eyes are on You
My hope is in You
My faith is in You
My eyes are on You
My hope is in You
My faith is in You

(God of My Days, Gateway Worship)

Tuesday, July 29, 2008 11:03 AM CDT

Thanks for telling me about the newspaper article. I haven't seen it yet so hopefully someone saved us a copy. (For those of you who don't live in OKC, the newspaper did an article in Sunday's paper about the new Ronald McDonald Room and included information about Anna's Room. I've heard they even published her infamous bathing suit photo.)
We are still enjoying out week at Kamp. We did the Ropes course and zip line earlier in the week and I am still feeling the effects. Yesterday we got up early for some Hillbilly lobster hunting (crawdads to us non-hillbilly types). Jacob and Audra even ate one of the crawdads they caught, along with the rest of the breakfast that was cooked over the open fire--yummy fun!

Sunday, July 27, 2008 9:19 AM CDT

"And the Lord gave them rest..." (2 Chron. 15:15)

I found that verse on the first day of Kamp. I am thankful for the rest that God is giving us. Last year when I was telling the director goodbye I started crying and said, "I got to sit by the pool and read a book!" That was HUGE for me. At home, whenever I wasn't with Anna, I was running errands and hurrying to get back to her. Being able to relax was a treat. This year I can sit by the pool all day if I want to, but I would rather be carrying a little girl around on my hip. (Lord, help me to be content in whatever circumstance I am in.)
I've only cried once here so far. Yesterday after breakfast I was visiting with some on the college staffers. They asked what I did and I said I was trying to figure that out. They said, "You should write a book." (I had NEVER met these people before and they had no idea who I was.) I said, "Well, I've thought about that." They asked what I would write about and that's when I started crying and told them about Anna. Their eyes got big and one of them came and gave me a hug. I wonder if those two will brave sitting with me again!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008 11:04 AM CDT

Something in your eyes I see
Reminds me of what used to be
When I was still uncertain of the truth
Sleepless nights that turn to days
Alone inside an endless maze
Counting on someone to see me through

If there’s one thing I know,
You are never left alone
‘cause You can always call on Jesus’ name
If there’s one thing I pray,
It’s Jesus helps you find a way
To make a change and listen to Your heart
God will take away your pain
If you choose to let it go
If there’s one thing I know

How can I convince your heart
His light can find you in the dark
And only He can make your blind eyes see
For if we speak of lost things found
Of lives that have been turned around
Then tell me who knows better, child, than me?

I would never stake my life on any lesser thing
Than the cross of Christ where he gave His life to ease my suffering.

God will take away your pain
If you choose to let it go
If there's one thing I know

("One Thing I Know", by Jason Alan Whitmore, Joel Lindsey)

Monday, July 21, 2008 8:25 AM CDT

I had a great weekend. We stayed at a farm house in the country. It was far enough out to hear coyotes at night, but close enough to civilization to make an ice-cream run to Braums after dinner. One of the things I liked about the place where we stayed was that there was a window over the bathroom sink instead of a mirror. Wouldn't we all be better off (emotionally if not physically) if we spent less time looking in a mirror and more time looking out a window? The other thing I liked about the weekend was that I was the youngest one there. That doesn't happen very often anymore!
Last night when I finally crawled into bed, I told Richard that I was used to staying up late playing games and talking. He told me the party was over and to go to sleep.
During one of our discussions this weekend I said, "You know, God didn't ask my opinion. If He had said, 'Would you rather keep Anna or would you rather strengthen your faith, learn to trust me, impact people you will never meet and help them grow closer to Me?' I would have said, 'Uh....I think I'll keep Anna. Thanks for asking!'
That wasn't how it worked. I didn't get to choose. But since God has chosen this path, I want to make the most of it.

Friday, July 18, 2008 9:47 AM CDT

This week I was talking to the mother on an 11 year-old girl who was born without muscles. She can understand what people are saying, but she can't communicate except for yes/no answers. Her mother pointed out something to me that I hadn't thought to be thankful for before. She said, "At least you were able to know your daughter's thoughts. She could talk to you."
Yes, I knew Anna's thoughts. I'm sure Elizabeth has wonderful thoughts too, but her mother cannot unlock that door.

"Thank you Lord that Anna was able to communicate her thoughts. Thank you for making her intelligent and insightful. Thank you for what you were able to teach me through her words."

I am headed for a weekend get-away with a few friends. It's hard to leave my family, but I am looking forward to some long walks and long talks. (My children hate long walks and I want to talk about something besides Webkinz, guitars, and string tricks.)

Thursday, July 17, 2008 9:02 AM CDT

Sometimes certain sounds and smells can trigger very specific memories. That happened this morning when I was listening to my ipod. When this particular Selah song came on, my thoughts were immediately taken back to the road around the hospital in Delaware. The hospital was built on the duPont estate in Wilmington. It was a beautiful setting and I tried to get outside whenever I had the chance. I can remember walking that path and listening to this CD and crying out for help to the only One who could help me.

When I think I'm going under, part the waters, Lord
When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea
When I cry for help, oh, hear me
Lord and hold out Your hand
Touch my life
Still the raging storm in me

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford

I need Thee, O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior
I come to Thee

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain

I need Thee, O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now my Savior
I come to Thee

When I think I'm going under, part the waters Lord...

(From Selah's "Hiding Place" album, "Part the waters Lord")

Tuesday, July 15, 2008 2:59 PM CDT

Yesterday my friend Leigh wrote in her blog,
"I always loved being Paul's mom. It was, perhaps, the most significant role I've played in my life thus far."
I was thinking about what she said while I was walking this morning. Being Anna's mom has been a great privilege. It's hard to be thankful for what has happened even though the Bible instructs us to "give thanks in all circumstances". I don't know if I can ever be thankful for cancer, but I can be thankful for Anna. There were many times when I wished God had given me a healthy daughter. This morning instead of focusing on what he didn't give me I thought about what he did give me. He gave me an incredible, inspirational, and insightful daughter. What a blessing she was to me and so many others. I was able to turn my thoughts from "Why, did you give me this?" to "Wow, look what you gave me!"
"For as [one] thinks in his heart, so is he." (Prov. 23:7)
I can dwell in darkness or I can walk in the light. My choice. Everyday.

Will story....
Here are a couple of questions Will asked last night before bed. He said, "In the story about Noah, when God tells Noah to build an ark God says that he is sorry that he made people. Why did God make people if he was sorry later that he made them?"
Then he pointed to a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden and one of them working in a field. He asked, "Why don't Adam and Eve have any clothes on in this picture, but they have clothes on in this picture?"
Nothing like a little discussion about sin, free choice, evil, temptation, and covenants right before bed....

Audra story--
Audra has been begging me for a pet. She has settled on a mouse because it's the cheapest and she figures that she will have to buy it herself. Up until now I have been able to resist her continual barrage of entreaties. Last night she tried a new tactic. She said that she needed a pet now because these were the best days of her life. She said, "If I wait until I'm a teenager, I'll be MATURE and it won't be as much fun!"

Monday, July 14, 2008 8:55 AM CDT

"Search for the Lord and for his strength, and keep on searching." (1 Chron. 16:11)

Instead of searching for the Lord, I have been searching for houses. I'm not sure what has sparked this quest for change, but I have been distracted by visions of 3 car garages and "bonus" rooms. My prayer continues to be "keep my eyes from worthless things and give me life through your Word", but the "things of this world" are very tempting and distracting. I appreciated Richard's prayer last night, "Lord, more than anything else (ie. a large laundry room, a neighborhood pool, and a walk-in closet) we want to be obedient." Obedience--yes. Running after things--no.
Even if I found the "perfect" house, I don't know if I would be able to leave this one. This was where Anna lived her life. It's where my memories are. Is that a reason to stay.... or to leave?

Please pray for Paul Saxon's family as they mark the one year anniversary of his death today.

Thursday, July 10, 2008 8:45 AM CDT

"The terrible storm raged unabated for many days, blotting out the sun and stars, until at last all hope was gone." (Acts 27:20)

Anna used to get discouraged and say, "I'm never going to feel better." She lost hope because the storm went on for so long.

Why did she have to hurt so? I don't know why, but I know she is not the only one who suffered and died.

"Christ also suffered when he died....So then, since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer too." (1 Peter 3:18, 4:1)

Everyone will suffer pain in this life. There is no age requirement.

I found this prayer in my journal from one year ago (7/9/07);
("Lord don't spare Anna for us--to a life here of pain and misery. I want her to be able to run and play. If she can't do that here, take her home where she can.")

I believe that she is pain free today.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008 8:39 AM CDT

"The old familiar tasks were dear,
and ordered by his hand;
But come and tread another way:
It is as He has planned."
(Edith Hickman Divall)

I was reading back through my (offline) journal this morning. It's hard to re-read my raw expressions of grief, but it is a good reminder that healing has occurred even though some days are still difficult. It is SO hard to close a chapter in our lives and move on to what God has for us, but that is what we are having to do. It would be easier if we knew what wonderful things God has in store for us because it is tempting to think that the best days are behind us. Our future may hold more suffering--or maybe something great beyond my expectations--either way, my eternity is secure and is something to look forward to. But when you live day to day, eternity can seem like a long time away. I don't want to live my life wanting to die. I told one of my friends who lost her son, "We need to have something to look forward to besides death and eternity!"
We are looking forward to going back to the family camp we went to last summer in Branson. Someone asked if that would be hard to go back there. I said, "No harder than anything else we've done this year." Everything is hard. There are still things I avoid like the clinic and Glad Press & Seal. There are things I can't avoid---like my bed. I sleep every night in the bed where Anna died and it's okay. If I can do that, I guess I can go to camp. Her life touched the college-age counselors as many of them were faced with death for the first time. The camp directors are going to install a plaque at Anna's favorite miniature golf hole where she and her counselor had their "club house". So yes, it may be "hard", but I am looking forward to it.

"It is not hard for the Lord to turn night into day. He that sends the clouds can as easily clear the skies. Let us be of good cheer. It is better farther on. Let us sing Hallelujah by anticipation." (CH Spurgeon)

Saturday, July 5, 2008 5:07 PM CDT

“Parted asunder…And Elisha…saw him no more.” (2 Kings 2:11-12)

Yes, that is the way of it. “Parted asunder!” We all know what that means. “And Elisha saw him no more!” We all know what that means. Mothers taken away from their chidren…husbands taken away from the arms of their wives, little children, whose laughter was the sweetest music of the household, taken away. Oft ‘tis so. Parted asunder.

But what matters it all---if for a little while we do not see them, and in a little while we shall see them? What sadness hath our being parted asunder from our loved ones here if it is to greet other redeemed loved ones in the other world? What sting hath our going if it is God’s whirlwind that comes for us? Why bitter tears when one of God’s days we shall have them forever?

Darling baby of the heart, I shall have you and love you forever. Think of that—when the chariot and the whirlwind goeth up. Mother, you whose going up was like a soldier from hard warfare. I shall love you and have you forever. Father, you whose leaving was, to you, like a sailor home from a stormy sea. I shall have you forever. Friend of mine, you whose leaving me stopped the singing of the birds, I shall have you forever…And it shall be when the chariot comes for me, even as it came for you.

As it was with Elijah when the whirlwind from heaven brought him home, so shall our farewells here be changed into greetings yonder.

(“The Whirlwinds of God”, taken from the July 4th entry in the book "Consolations" by Mrs. Chas. Cowman, c. 1932)

PS. I have a gift for you this week. A friend we met at camp last summer is in Ethiopia getting ready to meet her new baby girl for the first time. If you would like to take a peek at this family's exciting adoption adventure, go to zoiegibson5.com

Thursday, July 3, 2008 8:34 AM CDT

All is well. We are enjoying our lazy summer days. Someone asked me the other day if I was staying busy and I said no. I realize that in our society we are expected to live at a frenetic pace, but during Anna's illness I learned to slow down. I like to leave plenty of "margin" in our schedule. So we are not busy, and we like it. Richard on the other hand is very busy. He is kind enough to work hard so that the rest of us can enjoy a life of leisure!
Yesterday the kids and I went to the science museum. They loved all of the hands-on exhibits. Then last night Jacob went to the church to do a service project. He ended up cleaning graffiti off the church bus. Good for him! (And what better way for a pre-teen to learn what NOT to do with a can of spray paint.)
I have fond memories of last 4th of July when we spent the afternoon with friends and then drove to lake Hiwassee where Anna got to be in a boat parade. Later, she enjoyed watching the fireworks over the lake while sitting on her Sittie's lap. I am SO thankful that she had such a good day last year. We had been in the hospital the two years before. It's a hard holiday to celebrate in the hospital--no cookouts and no fireworks.
We will miss Anna and Judy at our celebration this year.
Press on.....

PS. More 4th photos on the photo page.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008 8:05 PM CDT

Our friend Kelli left her "earth suit" behind last night and gained her new "butterfly" body. Before last November, I had never been around someone who was dying. Since the beginning of 2008 I have been with 4 people shortly before their deaths. It has been an incredible privilege to be with each one.
Please pray for Kelli's husband and their three daughters as they grieve.

Monday, June 30, 2008 8:46 AM CDT

Some days are like the last entry where it's easy to "rejoice and be glad." But some days are still a struggle. I was recently talking to a father whose daughter died five years ago. I asked him what grief was like after several years of going through the "process". He said that he still has moments of extreme pain and sorrow, but that they don't happen as often as they did in the early days/months/years.
I call those my "I can't do this. It's too hard" moments. I still have those thoughts and feelings, but they don't happen as often as they used to. They did happen again yesterday. I was missing Anna so much and I just HAD to see her. I dug out some home video from last summer and watched it. I know some parents watch video of their kids all the time, but I don't. I haven't watched any video of Anna other than what was shown at her service. We have pictures up all over the house, but for some reason I haven't been able to bring myself to watch any videos. Yesterday after watching Anna's 5th birthday, I was feeling very melancholy. That mood lasted until 9pm when I met several ladies from church at the hospital where we prayed over our friend in ICU.
As I held Kelli's hand and prayed for her and as I talked to her daughters in the waiting room and as I saw another family stunned by life's events and asking "why?"---it gave me a better perspective. It made me take my eyes off myself and see someone else who was hurting. It made me thankful that I was able to kiss my kids goodnight and hold my husband before we went to sleep. Today I will be thankful that I can do my family's laundry and fix them dinner. Yes, I have a reason to be sad and I can sit and read cards and watch video and cry if I want to. I also have many reasons to be thankful if I will but lift up my eyes and look around.

Thursday, June 26, 2008 5:00 PM CDT

"This is a day that the Lord has made..." (Psalm 118:24)

I wanted to share this picture I took at my uncle Howard's farm last week. My dad and I took Will and his cousin up to McPherson, Kansas for a day of fishing. My uncle has his own pond stocked with catfish. As you can see, it was a beautiful place to spend the day. Will was the first to throw in his line. It looked like something was wrong with his reel so my dad told him to pull it back in so he could check it. When Will reeled it in, there was a huge catfish on it! That's my kind of fishing! I had fun helping the boys catch our dinner. My dad was kept busy baiting our hooks---really, who squishes a worm onto a hook if there's someone else willing to do it? He was also kind enough to take my fish off the hook whenever I caught one---except for the time I was on the other side of the pond casting for my dad's hat (which had blown off his head) and accidently caught a fish. I had to borrow Will's hat to hold the fish while I got it off by myself. (I'm not a total wimp.) After fishing we took a tour of Uncle Howard's garden and he gave us fresh rhubarb, cabbage, and onions. I made scalloped rhubarb, Oriental cole slaw, and put the onions on hamburgers. It was a great day to enjoy God's creation. I am SO thankful that I am able to enjoy "times of refreshing". There are still moments of despair and probably always will be, but I CAN enjoy life.
"I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly." (John 10:10)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008 8:03 AM CDT

"For God hath made me fruitful in the land of my affliction." (Gen. 41:52)

Today's entry is for those who are in the land of affliction. I read it in my book, "Streams in the Desert". The author is only identified by the initials, JM McC.

"If you will but believe your Father's Word, under that beating rain are springing up spiritual flowers of such fragrance and beauty as never before grew in that stormless, unchastened life of yours... You are pained by the testings. But God sees the sweet flower of faith which is upspringing in your life under those very trials. You shrink from the suffering. But God sees the tender compassion for other sufferers which is finding birth in your soul. Your heart winces under the sore bereavement. But God sees the deepening and enriching which that sorrow has brought to you. It isn't raining afflictions. It is raining tenderness, love, compassion, patience, and a thousand other flowers and fruits of the blessed Spirit, which are bringing into your life such a spiritual enrichment as all the fullness of worldly prosperity and ease was never able to beget in your innermost soul."

Monday, June 23, 2008 8:51 AM CDT

Yesterday was such a great morning. I went for my normal walk, but the beauty around me "thrilled my soul". When I got to the lake, there was a hot air balloon above it, sailboats on it, and fishermen on the shore. The sun was shining and I was listening to "Blue Skies" on the Ipod.

Lord, the sky's still blue
For my hope is in you
You're my joy
You're the dream that's still alive
Like the wind at my back
And the sun on my face
You are life
You're grace
You are blue skies

As I was enjoying the idyllic scene, I could also see the hospital on the other side of the lake where a mom from our church is in ICU after suffering a brain aneurysm on Friday. The juxtaposition of the beautiful day with the suffering going on in the hospital was hard to reconcile. I know what it's like to suffer in a hospital. I have lost someone I loved. After all that we have been through though, I can tell you that the sky is still blue. I still have hope.

When nights are long
Seems the dark has no end
Still we walk on in light of the truth
For waiting beyond
Where the morning begins
Is the dawn, and your mercy anew
Oh, to believe we're alive in you're love
There is so much to see
If we keep looking up

("Blue Skies", written by Grant Cunningham. He died a few years ago while playing soccer leaving behind a wife and three small children. Don't you know that this song must have encouraged his family during their dark days of grief? I am so thankful that the Lord inspired Grant to write these words. We used this song during Anna's memorial slide show.)

One More Thing....

Last night we had three families over from the clinic who have lost a child to cancer. It was great "therapy" for all of us to be around other couples who have had similar experiences. You wouldn't believe some of the topics of conversation. When was the last time you sat around with your friends and discussed headstones?
If there are any other families who have lost kids to cancer who would like to join us the next time we get together, please let me know. Unfortunately, we are not an exclusive group.

Friday, June 20, 2008 4:53 PM CDT

If anyone has time to send a note of encouragement to a child, please read the note below. This camp is for kids from our local hospital. They have a variety of diagnoses (many with cancer, but not all). Some are currently in treatment and some have finished. This is just one more thing we can do to help others in Anna's memory. Thank you!

CALLING ALL ENCOURAGERS!

How would you like to be a part of a world-wide encouragement event that will help encourage young children with diseases and disabilities to keep fighting and hold their heads high? We have developed MISSION ENCOURAGEMENT to help give the brave young souls from Children's Hospital in Oklahoma City a boost of extra-special worldwide encouragement.

Camp Cavett is an all expense paid camp held every summer for pediatric patients affected by cancer, heart disease, kidney disease, or any chronic or life-threatening illness. Over 160 children attend every year, and for some of the campers, it is the only time during the year that they actually feel "normal." One camper said in a thank you note, "I wish I didn't have to go home..."

The theme of Camp Cavett 2008 is ENCOURAGEMENT: How to pass it on to others and how to receive it. Each child will be getting a special Encouragement Box filled with stories, quotes, scriptures, and just plain and simple words of encouragement.

THIS IS WHERE YOU CAN HELP! In 2006, Children's Hospital in OKC used the POWER OF THE PEOPLE to show that "Love Makes the World Go Round." They received thousands of valentines from over 40 countries and every state in the USA! Our goal for Camp Cavett 2008 is to collect letters from all around the world to help encourage these campers at Camp Cavett that have to fight for their lives each and every day. They deserve to know that they have support from all around the world. They deserve to know that someone cares enough to encourage them. We have to give them a reason to hold their heads high and keep fighting!

For example, you can send:
Letter of encouragement, quotes, scriptures, stories of encouragement from your life, pictures of encouragement, etc.
Remember, not all of the patients at camp are currently taking treatment.
General words of encouragement like, "We're proud of you!" would be great for these patients who have had health problems in the past

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW! We will put a map of the world in the cafeteria at camp to show how many people from how many places have encouraged the campers. PLEASE try to have the letters to us by July 7, 2008. I know that is less than a month, but we can do it! Just remember...
"It only takes a spark to get a fire going...
And soon all those around can warm up in its glowing...
You have to pass it on."

Mail your letters to:
MISSION ENCOURAGEMENT
12316-A North May Avenue
Suite 450
Oklahoma City, Ok 73120

Thursday, June 19, 2008 3:32 PM CDT

Will and I are back home and we are waiting for Jacob and Audra to join us. I already know that this was a life-changing week for Audra. Unfortunately it has rained every day at camp. Audra's counselor called me this week and told me that on the first day of camp Audra asked where the washer and dryer were because she needed to wash her clothes. That girl has never asked to do laundry before. Why did she need to wash clothes on the first day? Did her clothes fall out of her suitcase into the mud? Did she change outfits 5 times? I guess I'll have to wait to find out. I know what I will be doing tomorrow while she and Jacob catch up on their sleep.

Speaking of sleep.....note to self.....If you go to a late ball game and let Will drink a Coke and eat a large box of M & M's, don't expect him to go to sleep before 7:30 the next morning.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008 9:57 AM CDT

I put Jacob and Audra on the bus to camp yesterday. Jacob didn't want me to check his suitcase so I hope he got everything he needed. I did notice that he left his camera, but hopefully he got the essentials. Audra was worried that she would get homesick so she packed some cards that Richard and I made her a couple of years ago when we were going to Delaware. I'm sure she will be fine. I am glad that one of my good friends will be her counselor. I told her to get a hug from Ms Shawna if she needed one.
Speaking of Audra, I have to brag on her. At her birthday party a couple of weeks ago there was one girl who didn't bring a present. That was totally okay and I don't think Audra would have noticed or said anything, but one of the other guests made a comment. Audra IMMEDIATELY said (without any coaching), "Oh, that's okay 'Susie' you gave me the best gift you could give me just by coming to my party!" I was SO proud of her. I was telling someone the other day, that Audra has a good heart. I have never seen her hurt someone on purpose--physically or emotionally. Oh, she may whack you upside the head with a golf club, but it would be an accident. (She is rather accident prone.) I pray that the Lord will guard her pure heart and make her sensitive to those who are hurting.

Will Story---
Will and I are spending a few days at "Camp Grammy". It's a camp where you sleep late and go shopping. Will doesn't like to read, so on the drive up here he talked. He likes to ask all sorts of questions and make crazy "What if..." statements. After finishing my Big Gulp of tea and getting on the turnpike where the next bathroom was 21 miles ahead, I was not in the mood to talk, "Will, I have GOT to find a bathroom VERY soon. I cannot talk to you about why it hails in the summer, but doesn't snow in the summer!"

Saturday, June 14, 2008 10:03 AM CDT

"Honor your father..." (Ex. 20:12)

I am thankful for a great husband who is also a great father. I think it must be hard to be the father of a sick child. When Anna was sick, my whole focus was on her and her needs. Richard, on the other hand, had to keep being a lawyer, take care of the other kids, make sure I wasn't falling apart, AND worry about Anna. He "fought the good fight". He did everything he could to get Anna the best treatment available, but dads can't always "fix" everything. He has had to turn Anna over to her heavenly Father, but his job is not over. He still has three other kids he needs to shepherd through this life and I think he is doing a great job.

Happy Fathers Day to both of our dads who raised us to be the people we are today. We honor you Pop and Papa.

Happy Fathers Day to our friends who are celebrating their "first" Father's Day just like we are. We encourage you to press on.

Happy Fathers Day to those dads who are still fighting for their children. Don't give up. Be thankful that you can hold your child, smell your child, and tell your child you love them.

To everyone else....be content with what you have and be THANKFUL!

Thursday, June 12, 2008 2:37 PM CDT

A Major Award

After the first day of tennis camp the coach presented three awards. Audra surprised me by winning the award for "most hustle". This is the girl who I thought only had one speed. She appears to move the same whether she has 5 minutes or 5 hours to get ready. I've often said that I wished I could find her "hurry" button. All three kids are dragging now after the third day of camp and Audra says that she is the worst player there (she's not). I think a good nap would help everyone's attitude---okay, it would help me.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008 11:58 AM CDT

Serendipity

I took the kids to tennis camp this morning. While I was waiting for them, I decided to take a walk in the rose garden next to the tennis complex. I wasn't sure I really wanted to go there. That was the same garden where we had our family photo taken last March. I went in, not sure how it would make me feel to go back there. I walked around the gardens and tried to find the clearing where we had taken most of the pictures (including the one above). I was very reflective as I remembered that day....Anna having to pee behind a bush, Jacob losing a tooth, counting the turtles, going to the Japanese Steakhouse afterwards......
In the clearing, overlooking the stream there was a granite bench that I hadn't noticed before. I walked over to look at it and it said "In memory of all our children." It was donated by the OKC chapter of Compassionate Friends, a support group for parents who have lost children. What thrilled me, besides it being in the place where our picture was made, was the fact that it had three butterflies engraved on the front of the bench. What a nice place to go and sit and remember.

Yesterday I wrote in my journal, "I miss my girl. There is such an empty spot that belonged to her. How do I keep going with this empty feeling?"
God answered that question today as I read in my devotional book, "The sting will go in the measure in which thou seest Me in all things."
I saw your hand today Lord. Thank you for being a God of details. Thank you for leading me to that spot and comforting me there.

Monday, June 9, 2008 7:30 PM CDT

I did my part to stimulate the economy today. I heard on the news that the Dow was up, so I'm sure my spending had something to do with that. Jacob had his first guitar lesson this morning. I was hoping he could use Richard's old guitar that his mother has saved for the last 30 years, but unfortunately it is too small for him. So that guitar now belongs to Will (who is not taking lessons) and Jacob is the proud owner of a new full-size acoustic guitar. He is very excited. His teacher will be going to camp with him next week so he told Jacob to bring his guitar and they could "jam" around the campfire. Evidently there are a lot of songs you can play with just two chords.
Our other big purchase was a second set of glasses for Audra. I was afraid that something would happen to her glasses at camp and she wouldn't have a spare pair. She chose the ones with tiger stripes on the inside. No surprise there.
We continued to circulate currency by having lunch at Taco Bueno. They weren't serving tomatoes because of the salmonella scare and the coke machine was broken, but we ate there anyway.
We better stay home tomorrow and save up for another day.

Friday, June 6, 2008 8:45 AM CDT

Why Not Me?

I am reading a book called "A Grace Disguised" by Gerald Sittser. In it, he writes a chapter entitled, "Why Not Me?" He points out that when you consider the amount of suffering in the world the question changes from "Why me?" to "Why not me?" Millions of people are born into poverty, disease, violence, and abuse. Why should I expect to have a life free of pain?
I can no more explain why I had a five year old daughter die of cancer than I can explain why I was born to white middle-class parents in the United States and not to a poor fisherman in Myanmar. For whatever reason, life is not "fair". I didn't deserve to have my daughter die anymore than I deserved to give birth to her. When I lament the losses in my life, I must acknowledge the fact that I did nothing to deserve their presence in the first place. Only by God's grace do I have what I have--my family, my house, my education, my friends, my church, peace of mind, joy, love.
Sittser says, "I dread experiencing undeserved pain, but it is worth it to me if I can also experience (God's) undeserved grace."
So today I am missing Anna, but I am grateful for God's grace.

And the Nominee for Mother of the Year is....ME!

I would like to nominate myself and every other mother who has ever hosted a slumber party and survived. I am still recovering from Audra having a few friends spend the night on her birthday. It was all fun and games at first, but as the night wore into the next day I started to resemble the Grinch when he was complaining about Christmas, "Oh the noise, noise, noise, NOISE!" I can't remember all of my threats, but one of them was, "If you ever want to have another slumber party, you better settle down right now!" I lay awake dreaming of a house with a play-room far away from my bedroom where children could giggle all night long if they wanted to.
My dreams certainly have changed over the years.....

Wednesday, June 4, 2008 3:43 PM CDT

A Butterfly Came to Breakfast

Last week on Anna's birthday Deana and Keith Webb delivered some butterflies for us to release at the cemetery. They also brought us a cocoon like the one they gave Anna last year for her 5th birthday. Today when I left for my walk at 6am I noticed that the cocoon had changed colors. By the time I got back, the kids were up and the butterfly was out! We watched it for a couple of hours while the wings dried and then we released it in the backyard. It really is amazing when you think about how a caterpillar changes into something completely different. I wonder what it would be like to wake up with wings! God is certainly much more creative than I will EVER be. It was such wonderful timing to have the butterfly at our birthday breakfast.

Thank you Lord for your perfect timing and your perfect design. Thank you for creating the butterfly so that we can understand a tiny bit of your power to do the impossible. Thank you that Anna has a new body and yet she is still Anna. Amazing!

And the Nominee for Mom of the Year is .... Not ME

We met Richard downtown for lunch and then I took the kids to the Bass Pro Shop to look around. While we were there I HAD to find a bathroom. So what did I do? I said, "You kids stay here in the hunting section and look at guns. I'll be back in a few minutes!" Should you leave your kids to look at guns by themselves?

Tuesday, June 3, 2008 8:21 AM CDT

I am thankful this summer for the chance to re-connect with my kids. I have been so focused on taking care of Anna and then so consumed by my loss that I haven't really appreciated what I still have. Two of the last three summers, I have been in Delaware. Last summer I was home taking care of Anna. This summer we have the (unwelcome) freedom to go and do whatever we want. Yesterday we went to the mall with Richard's mom. When we got home, Will said, "You don't need your wallet if Sittie goes with you." The kids had fun shopping for their birthday presents. Jacob picked out bedding for his new room and Audra got her ears pierced. Even Will got a webkinz so he was happy. It was a lot of fun. Tomorrow is Jacob and Audra's "real" birthday so we will get to celebrate AGAIN.
I have been reading Ruth Bell Graham's autobiography. I didn't realize that she had a brother who died in infancy. I was impressed that neither her life nor her mother's life was defined by his death. Her mother was able to invest her life in her surviving children and of course Ruth lived a long and productive life married to Billy Graham. But I was struck that the first thing she said to her mother after her father died at the age of 79 was, "Now he is in heaven with Nelson Jr." She had never forgotten her brother and neither had her mother. It may be a long time before I join Anna, but in the meantime, I can have a full and productive life here on earth. I am still healing. I am still hurting. I'm sure it took years for Virginia Bell to heal from her son's death, but she didn't let it stop her from living and hopefully neither will I.

Saturday, May 31, 2008 4:29 PM CDT

"This is a great day....coming to your house, getting ice cream from the truck....perfect."
(I overheard Audra's friend telling her this today.)

Do you remember summer--no school, playing with friends, hearing the ice cream truck come down the street and having your mom say, "Okay, you can get something today." To tell you the truth, I was dreading summer. I had gotten used to having a lot of time to myself. I have been pleasantly surprised to see that I am enjoying the summer days through the eyes of my children.
Last night Jacob enjoyed his swim party at the Holiday Inn. He thought it was his best party ever (but I think he says that every year.) Before the party I was trying to plan some pool games and Jacob said, "Mom, let me take care of it okay?" They didn't seem to need anything other than a body of water and a few nerf balls to keep them entertained for three hours. I'm sure the other hotel guests were glad when 10 o'clock rolled around and everyone except our family went home.
(Thank you Mike for a great room and a wonderful party.)

PS. I am chuckling at Will's friend. He just came inside and said, "Can I call my mom?" I said, "Sure, what do you need?" He said, "I'm going to ask her if I can stay for dinner."

Friday, May 30, 2008 9:10 AM CDT

We got by yesterday with a little help from our friends. Thank you to everyone who wrote, prayed, called, and stopped by. It really meant a lot to us to have other people remember.
We met a few friends at the cemetery where we sang, prayed, shared memories, released butterflies, and then finally we released balloons while singing "Happy Birthday". Many tears were shed, but it was all good. Then we went back to the house for Anna's favorite meal which I haven't made since she died--Mexican Stack. It was just as good as I remembered. After dinner we played charades (one of Anna's favorite games) using her favorite things. It was fun to watch someone try to act out "maraschino cherries". "Taco Bueno" was another hard one. Some of them were easy....dancing, butterflies, hugs and kisses.
When I started the day all I wanted was flowers. (I got that idea in my head from another mom who told me she got flowers on her son's birthday.) When I went outside, I saw the rose bush I planted a few weeks ago had its first rose. I have never grown a rose before so I was thrilled. I told Richard that God sent me a flower! Later I was pleasantly surprised to get several more roses. I put some on Anna's grave and kept some at home.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who remembered.
Today we are busy getting ready for Jacob's party tonight. It is a busy week at our house.

ATTENTION!!!!!
There is a new website to keep you up-to-date on Anna's Room. I will be able to post pictures of the progress. Check out the "before" pictures.
The address is www.annajanesroom.blogspot.com

Thursday, May 29, 2008 8:00 AM CDT

(O Lord) you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

(Psalm 139:13-16)

Happy Birthday sweet girl.

Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand
Hold it tight

I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always

When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always
Always

(Phil Collins, "You'll Be in My Heart"--we played this song during the slide show at Anna's service.)

PS. There are more birthday pics on the photo page.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008 10:30 AM CDT

Audra and Will are staying with my sister for a couple of days. Yesterday when she asked them to rate their camping trip on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being the best), Will said it was a 9 because of the storm. Audra said it was a 10. I told my sister that Audra's whole life is a 10. That girl can have fun with a string and a box. She has creativity out the wazoo and she is always happy---except when she's crying---there is no middle ground.
People ask me how the kids are doing. I think they are doing okay. They don't grieve the same way adults do so sometimes people think they don't care, or that they don't think about the person who died. I know from experience that is not true. My best friend died when I was 11 from cystic fibrosis. After she died, I used to talk to her when I was by myself. My mother never knew how my friend's death affected me because I didn't talk about it to her. I have NEVER forgotten Kathy. I think of her every time I smell honeysuckle. Now of course I also think about her parents and what they went through.
I went to the cemetery on Memorial Day because I thought I was expected to go. It was like a party. There were flowers, flags, and people everywhere. Usually I am by myself. We'll be back there tomorrow for Anna's birthday. There's no etiquette chapter on how to celebrate your dead child's birthday so I am making this up as a go along. Hopefully it will be a day to celebrate the gift of her life.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008 7:18 AM CDT

"For when you grant a blessing to your servant, O Sovereign Lord, it is an eternal blessing!" (2 Sam 7:29)

Praising God (and comforting myself) today for the eternal blessing of Anna.

We had quite an adventure this weekend. It wasn't really camping the way I remembered it. When I think back to camping as a child, I remember fishing, playing with my friends, digging in the sand, snuggling under the covers, listening to the crickets, walking to the lake store to buy chewy sweet tarts....great memories. I don't remember noisy neighbors, hours of preparation, taking cold showers, fixing meals, tents that collapsed, and hours of clean up. Those are new memories I have now as an official "grown up". Camping is a lot of work! There are two things I love about camping that I didn't appreciate as a child, no clocks and no mirrors :-)
On Friday, we were going to get to the lake too late to set up the tent, so my sister offered to take our kids out to sleep in the camper while Richard and I stayed with my parents until the next morning. That was fine, until they issued a tornado watch for the area and we had to call her and tell her to bring the kids back. The next day we waited for a break in the rain to head back out. (The lake was 30 minutes away.) The kids had a relaxed day exploring the camp site. Meanwhile, it took Richard and I until 5 pm to get the tent set up. (We weren't working steadily. We took turns giving up.) We had a nice campfire that night and turned in around 10:30. Unfortunately the neighbors were just getting started. They had 8 car loads of people who had very "colorful" language which made it hard to sleep. Around midnight, the park ranger drove by with a bullhorn saying that baseball sized hail and 60 mile per hour winds would be arriving in 45 minutes. My brother-in-law said that we would have to collapse the tent. NO! Marc drove the boat back home to keep it out of the hail, and the rest of us squeezed into the camper. (It's supposed to sleep 4, but we slept 7.) The next morning was beautiful. We had a great breakfast outside and then spent almost 5 hours in the boat before lunch. The kids all knee boarded and Richard and I water skied. After lunch, the boys went back out fishing. Grammy and Papa joined us for dinner and we grilled hamburgers. Later, after roasting marshmallows, we got ready for bed. Then the park ranger came by (again) and warned us of hail and high winds. We collapsed the tent (again) and prepared for another night in the camper. Marc headed home with the boat (again). As we were laying in bed, the phone rang and Marc said, "Get out of there now!" He had heard on the radio about a tornado just west of where we were. We jumped in the car in our pajamas and quickly drove east back to Grammy's house where we "camped" in her basement. The next day we drove back to the lake to "break camp". So we never actually slept on our new air mattress, or in the tent. Whew! We were glad to get home. We enjoyed the thunder and lightning last night from the comfort of our own beds.

(The picture today was taken Memorial Day 2005.)

Friday, May 23, 2008 9:26 AM CDT

In case you have forgotten (as I did), I want to remind you of the joys of the last day of school before summer--through the eyes of a 7 year old. Will told me that yesterday was a "dream day". At school the "dream" seemed to be focused on the extra recess he got, and the two ice creams and three pieces of pizza he ate (in addition to his regular lunch). After school, I was planning to take them out for ice cream but they were both too full from their parties, so we just went to Sonic for a drink. When we got home, I let Will invite a friend over. The two of them got soaking wet playing with water balloons and the hose, then they pretended that the trampoline was a ship on fire and they had to get to another ship (the hammock) without touching the ground. Later they came inside and put tattoos all over themselves (no school so tattoos are okay now!) After we walked his friend home, we continued our summer celebration by going out to eat. After that, we went to Jacob's ball game until 10pm. If you are a 7 year old boy, that is a great day. (It's not bad if you are 41 either.)

Wednesday, May 21, 2008 8:54 PM CDT

This is a busy time of year. During the next two weeks we will have the last days of school (the kids are in two different districts so we have different last days), a camping trip, Anna's birthday, Jacob's birthday, and Audra's birthday.
We got the Kirkland yearbook today. There is a special picture of Anna on the kindergarten page. Thank you Marissa for honoring her in that way. There is also a picture of Will, Anna, and Audra checking out the play kitchen on the first day of school. Those were an exciting few days. We didn't think she would make it to school, but she did. I am sorry that she won't be in Ms Vestal's class next year. Mrs. Reaves was the only teacher who got to have all four kids. Sigh.
Well, I'm off to watch American Idol. I had to tape it because we had a meeting at church. Don't tell me who won! (Anna would have NEVER let us watch that show. It would have been too boring for her!)

Tuesday, May 20, 2008 9:55 PM CDT

Anna's Room Update---
We met today with the contractor to tell him what we wanted the room to look like. Right now he is waiting for a construction permit from the fire marshall so things are running a few weeks behind. All they have done so far is put plastic up over the doors to keep the dust out of the hospital (whenever they start making dust!)
Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who contributed to the project. Over 240 people from 31 different states plus Australia had a part in making this room happen. We plan to include some sort of recognition of the donors (as a group, not individuals) in the room. I think it is an amazing part of our story. There are also plans to put plaques across the hall that tell about Anna, Jared, and Ally. We didn't want to put that information inside the room. If you are a stressed out parent, the last thing you want to read about is someone's child who died. We want Anna's Room to bring hope, not despair.
I will post pictures as soon as there is something to see. Maybe I should post a "before" picture so that you can see how bad it is right now!

Monday, May 19, 2008 9:29 AM CDT

Weekend Recap...
Yesterday I was looking for something to wear to church. I saw a dress at the back of my closet and I couldn't remember the last time I wore it (one year, two years?) I knew the "rule" about getting rid of clothes you don't wear. When I pulled it out, I looked at it, and there was a butterfly sticker on the front. Anna probably put it there the last time I wore the dress. It was a sweet little gift from my girl and yet another butterfly thread woven into her life--and death. Needless to say, I proudly wore that old dress to church.
Friday night we used our garage sale money to go see "Prince Caspian" on the big screen. Evidently a lot of other people had the same idea. While we were waiting in line, we kept seeing people we knew, "there's Steve, there's Lance, there's Shawna," and then, "there's our mortician." I know I could call her Amy, but having a mortician still seems surreal so I just have to say it every time I see her (and I'm always glad to see her!)
On Saturday I registered to be a bone marrow donor. It was something I had been wanting to do for a long time. After I filled out the forms and swabbed my cheeks (they don't have to take blood anymore), I asked the lady how long it would take before I was on the list. She said, "Oh, it only takes about a week, but the chances of you being called are only 1 in 20,000." She doesn't know that I am fully expecting to be called next week. It would feel so good to be able to help someone else. I think God will allow that don't you? I'll let you know when I get the call : )
A couple of weeks ago I was REALLY feeling bad. I don't know if I was sick because I was depressed, or depressed because I was sick. It didn't really matter because I felt terrible physically, emotionally, spiritually, and every which way. One day I went to the cemetery. (It's on the way to the mall so I always feel like I should stop.) When I pulled in I saw something that made me smile--even feeling as bad as I did. There were these little signs posted at the entrance that said, "Ask us about our Memorial Day specials." It's a cemetery! What kind of "specials" could they have???? I looked around and thought, does anyone else here think that is funny?

Sunday, May 18, 2008 9:04 AM CDT

I find no hope within to call my own
For I am frail of heart, my strength is gone
But deep within my soul is rising up a song
Here in the comfort of the faithful one

I walk a narrow road through valleys deep
In search of higher ground, on mountains steep
And though with feet unsure, I still keep pressing on.
For I am guided by the faithful one.

Faithful, faithful to the end,
My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful,
Faithful, so faithful to me

I see your wounded hands, I touch your side
With thorns upon your brow you bled and died
But there's an empty tomb, a love for all who come
And give their hearts to you, the faithful one.

Faithful, faithful to the end,
My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful,
Faithful, so faithful to me

And when the day is dawned and when the race is run
I will bow down before God's only Son
And I will lift my hands in praise for all you've done
And I will worship you, my faithful one.

(Faithful One, from Selah's "Bless This Broken Road" album)

Friday, May 16, 2008 8:20 AM CDT

"The great God wants our conspicuous crises to be occasions of conspicuous testimony; our seasons of darkness to be opportunities for the unveiling of the Divine... The evening sorrow will come to all of us; what shall we be found doing in the morning? We shall have to dig graves; have burials; how shall it be when the funeral is over?"--Dr. Jowett

Obviously in this world we will have tribulation. I feel so small when I look at the magnitude of suffering around me. We will all suffer, but what will we do when the funeral is over? What will I do? What will you do? Will we stand and give testimony to God's power to work all things to good? Will we trust that He himself is good?

Lord, help me move on from this place. Open my eyes to the good things you have prepared in advance for me to do. Help me pour myself out for others so that I don't drown in my own tears. Renew a steadfast spirit within me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation.

"Now stand here quietly before the Lord as I remind you of all the great things the Lord has done for you...Now stand here and see the great thing the Lord is about to do." (1 Sam. 12:7,16)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008 8:47 AM CDT

My thoughts don't seem to amount to much these days so I will share some thoughts about grief taken from C.S. Lewis' book, "A Grief Observed".

"Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process.... I was deceived because it has so many ways to hurt me that I discover them one by one.... For in grief nothing 'stays put.' One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs.... How often--will it be for always?--how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, 'I never realized my loss till this moment'?.... Grief feels like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn't seem worth starting anything... Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time..... You tell me 'she goes on.' But my heart and body are crying out, come back, come back... But I know this is impossible. I know that the thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get."

The feelings are intense (or sometimes there is an intense lack of feeling called apathy), but I know they are not uncommon. Just because they are normal, doesn't make them easier, but it does make them acceptable. Should I be "getting over" this six months later? I think so and yet I find myself seemingly going back instead of forward. Is this normal? I'm sure it is. Do we talk about it? No, because there is an expectation that we continue to move forward, not back--an expectation we put on ourselves and then blame on others.

I was encouraged this week during my Bible study by the call to praise.
"To stand in the presence of the Lord when you'd rather go to bed and never get up, and to praise Him in the night when taunting voices tell you to curse Him--these things are nothing less than a battle cry of victory... Don't wait! Praise God the second you don't feel like it! The second you feel defeated! Now! Your tempter tempts you to praise God the least when you need to praise the most." (from "Stepping Up"by Beth Moore)

Do I feel like praising God? No. But I will.

"Now praise the Lord, all you servants of the Lord who stand in the Lord's house at night! Lift up you hands in the holy place, and praise the Lord! May the Lord, Maker of heaven and earth, bless you from Zion." (Psalm 134)

Finally, I'll leave you with a blessing from Beth,
"When life is excruciating, may you find the strength in Christ to crawl on your hands and knees, sowing the Word of God and watering it with your tears. May you never forget that you are inconceivably loved and that God will prove infinitely faithful."

Sunday, May 11, 2008 8:44 PM CDT

Well, I've almost made it through Mother's Day. Yesterday Richard took the kids shopping for me. During dinner last night, Will asked Richard, "Did you give Mom the vacuum yet?" Everything got quiet. Then he said, "What? You said it wasn't a Mother's Day gift!"
This morning started with breakfast in bed. Jacob gave me a card with a recorded message. Will gave me a portrait of myself and a book he wrote. Audra made a card and decorated my tray with flowers. Richard gave me a DVD of one of my favorite movies. After church we joined 900 of our closest friends at the Cowboy museum for lunch. We tried to go to the zoo, but couldn't find a parking place (it was a popular place to take your mom today). So instead we drove to Yukon to tour the St. Jude Dream House. We bought a raffle ticket so we wanted the kids to pick out their rooms before we win the house next month. After that, we visited our friends, then we went to the park and then had ice cream. I'm worn out from trying to have fun. I'll wait until tomorrow to test out the new vacuum (that was not a Mother's Day gift).

Friday, May 9, 2008 9:30 AM CDT

I think there is a definite physical component to how I am feeling this week. I made an appointment to see my "girl" doctor in a few days. Hopefully she will be able to shed some light on the situation, or at least confirm my self-diagnosis. In case you didn't know, I am a "virtual" physician--always seeking to heal myself and those around me.
We made it through Audra's piano recital last night. I was in Delaware and missed last year's recital. This year we were finally able to play our duet. I told her that next time she was going to be on her own. She said, "No way. If I have to be nervous, so do you."

Thank you to everyone who helped Emory with his project. I had fun reading his guest book. I think he will have fun finding all the states and countries that have been written about during the last couple of days.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008 9:37 AM CDT

I'm just taking a short hiatus. I haven't had the energy or the desire to share my heart this week. I looked back to my journal from last year and saw that I was struggling then too. Here's a copy of what I wrote on May 5, 2007. It was written after the doctor told us there was nothing more that he could do.

"The pain right now is indescribable. It hurts so much for me just to look at Anna (with her round little face and her Patrick Star tattoo on her forehead). I alternate between curling up under a blanket and sitting by her bed. I can't eat or sleep. I don't want to talk to anyone. The four people I called last night were lucky they weren't home because they wouldn't have been able to understand what I was saying anyway. I think it was God's way of saying "Run to me and no one else." I know I should and I will, but first I have to get past my disappointment with God. (James Dobson calls it the "betrayal barrier".) We said before we got the news, "Tho he slay me, yet will I trust him." (from the book of Job) But I honestly never thought he would "slay" me. We were so happy and excited on Thursday--fully expecting an end to our suffering. This was NOT the end I expected. The shock has shaken me to the core. Richard is holding it together and seems peaceful which is good. (We decided long ago that only one of us could fall apart at a time.)
I know this stage will pass, but I wanted you to know what it was like. (Some of you know very well what it is like.)
I have so many thoughts and feelings right now, but I should probably stop spilling them out on a website.
Thank you for praying. I know my faith will survive this. I hope yours will too.

"Search for the Lord and for his strength, and keep on searching." (Psalm 105:4)
We are searching for that strength. There seems to be a raging battle going on for our minds and emotions. I was reminded of a verse I wrote in my journal before Anna was born (when we thought she had Down's Syndrome).
"Why are you so angry?" the Lord asked him. "Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you respond in the right way. But if you refuse to respond correctly, then watch out! Sin is waiting to attack and destroy you, and you must subdue it." (Gen. 3:6-7)
We MUST respond in the right way. It would be easy to give in to despair, but I cannot. I must continue to trust.
Thank you for praying for us and hurting with us."

One year later, the temptation to give in to despair is still there. Some days I can resist and some days I can't. I know this is a tunnel and there will be a light at the end.

Trusting in the future, getting through today,
M

PS. Would you please help me do something nice for someone else? Our friend Emory just received a bone marrow transplant. He and his mom are staying in Houston for the next couple of months until they can return to OKC. His mom, Laura, is trying to keep him busy, so they are doing a geography project. If you are from a state other than Oklahoma or Texas, would you please take a minute to sign their guest book? You can tell them I sent you.
Their website is www.caringbridge.org/ok/emoryhood

Friday, May 2, 2008 8:08 AM CDT

Thank you for checking on Jacob. He is fine. He went to school yesterday at 10am and just left today for his trip to the zoo AND his after school dance---a big day for an 11 year old. He probably just had a virus, but our doctor is extra vigilant with our kids--for our peace of mind and hers!
We have been getting ready for a garage sale this weekend. I sent Richard and the boys with a load of stuff over to his parents house last night (their neighborhood is having the sale). When they got home, they walked in with a sleeping bag, a MASH poster, and a case of 8 track tapes!!!!!! I looked at Richard and said, "You did take over more than you brought home didn't you?" We are planning to use our proceeds for a night on the town at the new movie theater in Moore when "Prince Caspian" comes out later this month. Hopefully that will encourage the kids to help with the sale rather than just shop at the neighbor's sales.

Thursday, May 1, 2008 8:48 AM CDT

"Faith says not, 'I see that it is good for me, so God must have sent it,' but 'God sent it, and so it must be good for me.'" ---Phillips Brooks

Sometimes we cannot see the good that God can see. We just have to trust that it is there.

Jacob has been sick this week. He came down with a high fever on Saturday right before Richard and I left to go bowling. I took him to the doctor on Tuesday. The fever had started to go down, but he had developed a rash. I'm sure someone would try to label us with PTSD if they could see our response to childhood illnesses these days. I thought it was just Richard who was having a problem and that I was doing okay until I had to take Jacob for a blood test. I was glad that I didn't have to hold him down, and I was sad that I didn't have to hold him down. Just the term "CBC" brought back a rush of not-so-pleasant memories. Anna HATED getting poked and having blood drawn. I hated waiting for results and then I hated the results. Jacob's WBC was low so we went back for another test this morning and are awaiting the results. If they are good, I will take him to school. (I think the two of us are hoping for different results. He just wants to be better in time for tomorrow's field trip. He doesn't care about getting there today.)
Hopefully we will work through this stage and someday a fever will be just a fever again.
Still learning to trust,
Marlo

Wednesday, April 30, 2008 2:05 PM CDT

When I die don’t cry for me
In my father’s arms I’ll be
The wounds this world left on my soul
Will all be healed and I’ll be whole

It don’t matter, where you bury me
I’ll be home and I’ll be free
It don’t matter, where I lay
All my tears (will) be washed away

Come and eat from Heavens store
Come and drink, and thirst no more

So weep not for me my friend
When my time below does end
For my life belongs to Him
Who will raise the dead again

It don’t matter, where you bury me
I’ll be home and I’ll be free
It don’t matter, where I lay
All my tears (will) be washed away

(All My Tears, by Julie Miller, sung by Selah)

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 8:51 AM CDT

Stand in awe of God's Yes. (Psalm 128:4, Message)

Today I am standing in awe of God's Yes. We received word yesterday that as of Saturday the donations for Anna's Room totaled 10,047 dollars. I am excited that we reached our goal and amazed that it happened on my birthday. What a gift! When I emailed Richard yesterday and said, "We did it!" He promptly wrote back and said, "We didn't do anything. We just watched." He's right of course. We just watched as God fulfilled his purpose through you. Thank you for your generosity. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for continuing to bless us as you follow our journey.
We will have to have a meeting to decide what to do with the excess money that is still coming in---Anna's Kitchen? Anna's Laundry Room? My burden is for the families from the clinic who have lost children this year. I would love to do something for them, but the money was donated to the RM House so we will find a way to use it there.

I have been thinking about Mary (the mother of Jesus) a lot this week. She had to learn to live without her son's physical presence just like many of us are learning to live without our children. I'm sure she was comforted by knowing that he was alive in heaven, but don't you think she still missed him sometimes? How did she spend the rest of her life? Grieving? No, I don't think so. Even though she must have missed him, she KNEW where he was. She lived in anticipation of going to be with him. I'm sure she shared her hope with others. How long did she live without him? 1 year? 10 years? 50 years? It doesn't matter now does it?
How long will I be separated from Anna? 1 year? 10 years? 50 years? It won't matter someday. Until then I need to spend my time doing what Jesus' followers did after he was taken into heaven. "They worshipped him and then returned to Jerusalem filled with great joy. And they spent all of their time in the Temple, praising God." (Luke 24:52)
Press on!

One More---This is for Denise who requested a Will Story. Will almost never gets in trouble at school. And it's not just because his teacher is a good friend of mine. He really is a very good kid. His teacher told me that last week during the spelling test she turned around and Will was standing in his chair playing the air guitar. When he got home I said, "Will, were you playing the air guitar during the spelling test?" He said, "No, it was a pencil guitar." (He is also extremely honest!)

Sunday, April 27, 2008 8:57 PM CDT

"Seventy years are given to us! Some may even reach eighty. But even the best of these years are filled with pain and trouble; soon they disappear, and we are gone... Teach us to make the most of our time, so that we may grow in wisdom...Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives. Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good. Let us see your miracles again; let our children see your glory at work." (Psalm 90:10, 12, 14-16)

Yesterday was my birthday. I wasn't too excited about celebrating in a big way so we celebrated in little ways. After a long walk by the lake, my wonderful husband cooked blueberry/pecan pancakes, eggs, and bacon on the grill outside---mmmm! Then the kids and I had a silly string fight in the backyard. Later we went to the park to fly kites and then had a late lunch of ice cream. When we got home, Richard's parents were filling my pots on the porch with flowers (my gift that I ask for every year!) Last night we went bowling with some friends and I was TERRIBLE. I kept saying, "Whose idea was this?" (Mine of course.)
So all of those things helped me get through my "first" birthday. You know, Anna was only with us for 5 1/2 years. Do you think it will take 5 1/2 years to get used to not having her with us? I wonder.....

Saturday, April 26, 2008 10:57 AM CDT

"Our joys are made better if there be sorrow in the midst of them. And our sorrows are made bright by the joys that God has planted around about them." (Streams in the Desert, M. Cowman)

My mom and sister came down yesterday for a girlie day. It included a trip to the beauty parlor, lunch by the river, a tour of Anna's Room, and a visit to the cemetery. After we picked the kids up from school we went to the Boys Ranch to pick up Squirt the duck. This is the same duck we were given last March when the girls and I visited our friend's ranch. The duck thinks she/he's a dog. Last night when we were watching a movie, Squirt kept walking back and forth watching us through the glass doors. When we go outside she/he follows us around the yard quacking. When we sit down she/he comes up to be petted. She/he eats dog food. It is hilarious! (Does anyone know how to tell if a white duck is a boy or a girl?)

At Anna's funeral, my friend decorated the church with "Anna" roses that she bought at Sam's. This week when she tried to buy me an Anna rosebush she finally located one.....in Australia! They can't ship them until September because it is too hot now. Isn't it AMAZING that Sam's had ANNA roses on the day we needed them in November??
Instead of the roses, my friends bought me a "Butterfly Bush". It has purple flowers that are supposed to attract butterflies. Isn't that perfect??

I am grateful for the joys God has planted around my sorrow. Thank you Lord!

(As I write this, Squirt is sitting at the door watching me. Smile.)

ANNA'S ROOM INFORMATION:
The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Friday, April 25, 2008 7:51 AM CDT

FLASHBACK FRIDAY:

Last year a friend gathered my children and helped them compile 40 thank-yous on a surprise video for me. I watched it again this week and this is what Anna said....

"Thank you for being the best mom I've ever had.
Thank you for taking me to Disneyworld.
Thank you for making me brownies.
Thank you for feeding me when I'm hungry.
Thank you for buying me clothes.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for rubbing my back and reading me stories.
Thank you for buying me lollipops.
Thank you for bringing me library books.
Thank you for buying me Baby on my first birthday. I always holded her by the hair. But now she is not very pretty like she was when I first got her. Now she's sort of all messed up and never pretty anymore but she's still special to me. And she goes wherever I go. And she's still good. I still love her and she's always my best doll that I ever had." (4/26/07)

Baby is now mine. She sits in a drawer. She doesn't get out much. I don't take her everywhere I go.... but she is still good.... and I still love her.

ANNA'S ROOM INFORMATION:
The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008 1:45 PM CDT

Yesterday I went to the kids school to help monitor a test. Evidently for standardized testing, the schools are required to have a monitor in the room to make sure everything goes the way it is supposed to. Can you believe that the girl sitting next to me was wearing a pink shirt covered with butterflies? Can you believe that her name was ANNA? It's true! Did it make me cry? No! I only cry at baby wipes and medication labels. Yes, I had a crying/screaming fit this week which was triggered by medication labels I found while cleaning out a file cabinet.
Tonight I get to make a roomful of strangers watch a video of Anna. That is our assignment for grief group. Of course I will have to watch their videos too, but it will be worth it. I'm going to show them the one we showed at the funeral of her dancing and singing to "Bullfrogs and Butterflies" and then I can explain the meaning of the butterfly to them (see the caption on the photo page if you don't know what I am talking about). I love being able to share the hope that I have with other people who are grieving without hope.

PS. Thank you New Mexico and Alabama for joining the list!

ANNA'S ROOM INFORMATION:
The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Monday, April 21, 2008 8:06 AM CDT

I enjoyed Richard's lesson yesterday even though he only got through the first page. He reminded me again of God's sovereignty---that he is in control of the beginning of a matter as well as the end.

I found this in my journal on this day last year.

"For those worthy of being raised from the dead... will never die again... They are children of God raised up to new life... So he is the God of the living, not the dead. They are all alive to him." (Luke 20:35-38)

"Lord, if Anna dies, she will never die again and she will be alive to you---dead/separated to me---but alive to you-forever!" (4/21/07)

Can you see another example of how He has gently carried me in his arms during the past three years by showing me the truths that I would need to cling to later?

ANNA'S ROOM UPDATE:
We are getting closer! So far we have raised $7,615 AND if you add in Will's two dollars that I mailed in this weekend, it makes $7,617 dollars. (I sent a copy of his precious note and kept the original.) Thank you for joining with us to make this happen. You should receive a thank you note/receipt from the RM House. If you do not get a note, please let me know so that we can make sure they received your donation.
They may start construction on the room this week. It's an existing room, but they are going to tear out a closet, put in new floors, add a ceiling fan, etc. THEN we can start decorating!

ANNA'S ROOM INFORMATION:
The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Saturday, April 19, 2008 10:58 AM CDT

Another Will story----
A few weeks ago it was time for parent/teacher conferences. While we were there, Will's teacher handed us a drawing and said, "I thought you might want to see this." I could see that it was a picture of what I thought was an angel with wings. I braced myself to be overwhelmed once again by Will's sensitivity and thoughtfulness. I was sure that it was a picture of Anna. I was wrong. The person did have wings, but it was a boy and he was wearing a shirt that said, "I (then a picture of a heart) to fart". Below the flying boy was another boy shooting some sort of weapon at the boy in the air. I was overwhelmed with laughter instead of tears! We don't even let the kids say "fart". Will is ALWAYS full of surprises :-)

Tonight we will be honored to attend a banquet commemorating the 13th anniversary of the OKC bombing. Bob Woodruff will be speaking. I am looking forward to hearing what he has to say. I am also looking forward to hearing what my husband has to say tomorrow morning. He will be teaching a Sunday School lesson about suffering. He's been in the "school of suffering" for the last three years so I'm sure he has learned quite a lot!

ANNA'S ROOM INFORMATION:
The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Friday, April 18, 2008 8:47 AM CDT

"Our lives are in his hands." (Psalm 66:9)

Yes, Will is a sweetheart. He is also a mess. Two nights ago Richard and I were relaxing downstairs. We thought all the kids were asleep. Suddenly Will came down with blood all over his mouth, hand and forehead. What happened!? He had pulled out his tooth. Evidently he couldn't sleep so he was working on his loose tooth. We cleaned it up and put him back to bed with visions of riches dancing in his head. We waited another hour then I tiptoed into his room before I went to bed and I heard, "I still can't sleep." Busted!

Tonight Will has "Kids Night Out" at church (basically it means running around in the gym for 3 hours--his idea of a great time), Audra has a student piano recital (no parents allowed) and then "Giggles and Wiggles" (3rd-6th grade girls who get together and giggle). Jacob has a baseball game, and I am gong to a concert with Mitchell's mom. A busy evening--especially for Richard who will be getting everyone where they need to go and then coaching Jacob's team before having to pick everyone up again.

Since some of you asked, the radio program is scheduled for tomorrow at 12:30. You can listen to it at KCFO.com unless you live in Tulsa, then you can listen on 970AM. I am warning you. If you choose to listen to it, you may need the gift of interpreting tongues because I was so choked up. I have NO idea if what I said makes any sense so listen at your own risk!

ANNA'S ROOM INFORMATION:
The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008 9:33 PM CDT

Will continues to feel "regular" so it's back to school tomorrow. He's telling everyone he could have gone back today, but I MADE him stay home. If he had gone to school, I wouldn't have had a reason to sit and watch "Narnia".

ANNA'S ROOM BLESSINGS---I have been overwhelmed by what is happening. Thank you to everyone who has said, "I want to be one of the thousand."

I found out today that one of my missionary friends who lives on the other side of the world, is donating her tax refund to Anna's Room.

One family has decided to donate to Anna's Room instead of exchanging birthday gifts.

A friend of a friend collected $400 in her office.

Another friend sent a check even though she was busy taking care of her sick child.

I was telling the kids tonight about how much had been collected so far and Will asked, "How can I give some money?" I told him that he could put it in an envelope and mail it to the Ronald McDonald House. Tonight he put $2 in an envelope and wrote a note that says,
"This is for Anna's room.
from Will Salamy
Anna's Big brother"

Then at the bottom he drew a caterpillar and wrote "before" and a then drew a butterfly and wrote "After".

He gets it.

ANNA'S ROOM INFORMATION:
The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008 10:46 AM CDT

Will and I have been staying home the past two days. He spiked a fever Monday night and said his "legs felt funny". I took him to the doctor yesterday and she thinks it is just a virus. After sleeping for 13 hours, Will says he feels "regular" this morning, but he is still hanging out on the couch.
When the kids get sick, I tend to think that it will go away. Richard tends to assume the worst. His response always reminds me that it may not be "just a fever". Why do I have to worry about my kids dying when they get a fever? Because one did that's why.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008 8:30 AM CDT

"Happy are those who are strong in the Lord, who set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs, where pools of blessing collect after the rains! They will continue to grow stronger...." (Psalm 84:5-7)

I love those verses. Another version says, "They will go from strength to strength". When I read that, I picture myself walking through a valley, going from one source of blessing to another. The way I picture it, there are dry spaces in between the springs. Those are the times I have to "set my mind" to keep going and trust that there is another source of refreshment ahead. "O Lord Almighty, happy are those who trust in you." (v.12)

ANNA'S ROOM UPDATE
We are almost halfway to our goal! So far we have raised 4,985 dollars. We have received donations from 20 different states. (OK, TX, IL, WA, NE, PA, GA, MS, TN, FL, KY, AZ, KS, MD, CA, WY, IA, CO, IN, and MO) Thank you to everyone who has given so far.
I wrote in my journal two weeks ago, "Raising 10,000 dollars is not something I can do. I am not gifted in that way. But it is something God can do through me." Thank you for being a part of what HE is doing.

(Please pray for Gena today as she prepares for Lane's funeral this afternoon.)

ANNA'S ROOM INFORMATION:
The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Monday, April 14, 2008 8:00 AM CDT

"Wherever your treasure is, there your heart and thoughts will also be." (Luke 12:34)

We went to Wichita this weekend to visit my family for the first time since last summer. The kids had a great time and were worn out from all of the activities we squeezed into two days (swimming, raquetball, pool, rock climbing, golf, fishing, ping pong tournament, biking, and the Kid's Fair.) No wonder they didn't want to get up this morning!
Before we left on Friday someone asked if I was excited about leaving town. I paused and said, "The kids are very excited." She looked at me funny and said, "I guess it must be hard to go home." I thought to myself, EVERYTHING is hard--especially the "firsts".
It's also hard to get excited about things --even good things like vacations. It doesn't mean that I am never happy. I am happy. I laugh a lot. I just don't get excited about things. What I really want (my reunion with Anna) is not going to happen for a long time and I know that nothing I do is going to "fix" that. I have to carry my grief with me whether it's to the grocery store or Disneyworld. I don't get a vacation from it. I WILL learn to live with it and I WILL learn to use it. It CAN be a blessing.....somehow....someday.

ANNA'S ROOM INFORMATION:
The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

I just got word that our friend Lane passed away yesterday. Please pray for his mom Gena today.

Friday, April 11, 2008 10:17 AM CDT

Focus on the Family (a radio show I often listen to) has "Flashback Fridays". So today we are going to have a "Flashback Friday".

There were many wonderful nurses who cared for us over the years. Some just did their job, but many went above and beyond what was required. They are very special people to be able to do what they do. This is an email I received after Anna's death from one of her nurses.

"I wanted you to know how much the little princess meant to me. There have been many children that I have met through my work. Some get well, go home and grow strong and healthy, some never recover and they go to God much too soon. I have learned from the many interactions with these children and families-- things that have helped me to be a better nurse.
I did not learn how to be a better nurse from Anna. Anna was special. The time I spent with her, talked to her, read to her was pure joy. From her I became a better person and I became closer to God. I thank Him for the blessing of knowing Princess Anna and the Salamy family. I pray that God will be with you now and comfort all of you. "

I got a phone call from another nurse a few days ago who said, "I'm glad I got to be a part of your family's story."

We touched their lives and they touched ours.

Thank you Nan, Mary, Diane, Micki, Kathy, Toni, Dezarae, Deanna, Shirley, RoyAnn, LeAnn, Louise, Jerome, Liz, Starr, Tracy, Kelly, and everyone else who I've forgotten to mention.

ANNA'S ROOM INFORMATION:
The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008 2:00 PM CDT

In one week we have raised 2,885 dollars! If this keeps up, we can have the money raised in plenty of time before the grand opening scheduled for June. Thank you to everyone who has contributed to the project so far.

Here's a song I heard for the first time this morning.....

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end,
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

We WAIT with hope
And we ACHE with hope
We HOLD ON with hope
We LET GO with hope

("With Hope", Steven Curtis Chapman)

The place Anna wanted most to be was home....and now she is.
Come quickly Lord Jesus!

ANNA'S ROOM INFORMATION:
The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008 2:36 PM CDT

"Teach me the glory of my cross; teach me the value of my thorn.
Show me that I have climbed to Thee by the path of pain.
Show me that my tears have made my rainbows."
(George Matheson)

Whew! I'm glad the taping for the Ally's house video is over. Last week after I recorded the radio show my friend asked me if it felt good to do things like that. I said, "Well, it feels good when it's over!" Richard and I feel like we are stewards of Anna's testimony so we want to share it, but it's still so fresh and so painful to talk about.
The hardest part today was getting out of the car at the hospital. I started to park in the street, but I didn't want to walk the same path that Anna and I took to the clinic every week. Finally I pulled into valet parking because we never did that and I knew that I would have to get out of the car when the guy came to get my keys.
The interview went okay. I was able to compose myself halfway through so then I repeated my earlier answers without crying. Really, how can you not start bawling when you are thanking someone for the school supplies they gave your daughter that she used for the five days she went to kindergarten?
After the interview, I got some cotton candy to take home to the kids and I had a butterfly painted on my face. The lady doing the face painting asked if I wanted glitter and I said, "Well, of course!" Audra will be very jealous when she sees me.....

ANNA'S ROOM INFORMATION:
The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Monday, April 7, 2008 7:50 PM CDT

Thank you so much for your support for Anna's Room. The RM House director has promised to keep me posted on how much money they receive each week. I'll let you know when I find out!
Tomorrow I will take one of my "artsy" friends to look at the room and get her ideas. I am also going to be a part of the taping for the 2008 Ally's House video tomorrow. I am glad I will get the chance to thank them for all they did for us last year. I hope they can edit out the tears if I start crying.

Will Story---A couple nights ago I was putting Will to bed and we were talking about Anna. He said that we should set a plate for Anna at the table and put Dum-Dums on it. I paused, then said, "Okay....why would we do that?" He said, "Because she likes Dum Dums!"
I told him that when he sets the table, he can set a plate for Anna. I also told him that I would make copies of the pictures I have of him with his sister. I realized that he may worry about forgetting her. I told him about my memory journal that I add to whenever I remember anything about Anna. It makes me feel better to "save" those memories and I will have something for my kids to read so that they can have those memories as well. I know I have this online journal that they will read someday, but I want to remember every detail about my girl.

ANNA'S ROOM INFORMATION:
The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Sunday, April 6, 2008 3:29 PM CDT

The sermon this morning was about God's mercy. We sang "Great is thy Faithfulness" which was the song the congregation was singing when the family entered during Anna's service. I LOVE that song. When it was over, Will whispered, "That sounded kind of like opera." I guess I was singing a little LOUD!
Later, while I was outside enjoying the beautiful day I was listening to this song about mercy....

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to You

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

(The Valley Song, Jars of Clay)

I am trusting that God has and will walk me through this valley and lead me to rivers of joy. AMEN!

ANNA'S ROOM INFORMATION:
The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Friday, April 4, 2008 9:05 AM CDT

Ughh! Grief. I hate it. It's so.... unpredictable. You can be happy one moment and sad the next and you never know what will trigger the sadness. When we went to the hospital earlier this week to see the construction, I thought that would be hard. I have avoided the hospital since the last time we were there six months ago. Maybe it was the excitement of planning Anna's Room, but being there wasn't hard. I didn't have any flashbacks or tears.
Then yesterday was so much fun reading the emails and the guestbook with notes from people who wanted to support Anna's Room. I was so happy. I was also emailing pictures back and forth with a photographer who is trying to touch up some of out favorite photos of Anna. I could look at those and think, "What a beautiful picture." Joy. No tears.
BUT last night when I wanted the kids to clean their feet before coming inside, I went into the garage to get a package of wipes. When I saw them I remembered why I have a case of wipes in the garage. I remember that I used to have a little girl who used wipes to wash her hands because she was too weak to stand at the sink. I remembered that I used to have a little girl who had to wash her hands before she could suck her fingers so that she wouldn't get any germs. I remembered why I needed that case of wipes.
I fell apart because of baby wipes. Something so small can send you down into the pit and then you have to crawl your way back out. So today I am attempting to crawl out of the pit. I really don't want to stay there.

ANNA'S ROOM INFORMATION:
The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Thursday, April 3, 2008 2:10 PM CDT

What fun! I emailed the RM House today and said, "Get ready. The checks are in the mail!"
Thank you for your response so far. I will keep you updated on the progress. A few people are asking about what we will do with the money if we get MORE than 10,000 dollars. I'm not really worried about that.....yet! Maybe we will be able to have an endowment that will keep the RM Family Room perpetually stocked with Dum Dums (Anna's favorite candy).
I am going to leave the donation information up for a few days so that people won't have to search for it.
I heard a quote yesterday that I LOVED. There were two families whose daughters were involved in an car accident. One survived and one didn't. The first family was having trouble knowing what to say to the second family because they were the ones with the "happy ending". The father of the girl who died said, "We have a happy ending too. We just haven't seen it yet."
GREAT ANSWER!!!!!

The local Ronald McDonald House is currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the OU Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

My mother used to tell me that I couldn't sell my way out of a paper bag. I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand people to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008 4:01 PM CDT

Today we met with the directors of the local Ronald McDonald House. They are currently in the process of building a RM Family Room on the sixth floor of the new Children's Hospital. This will consist of a living room, computer room, kitchen, dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. There will also be four sleep rooms that can be reserved free of charge for overnight stays, or for a nap during the day.
When Anna was in ICU after her first surgery we stayed in the old "Parent Hotel". They had lost the key so we couldn't lock the door, but we didn't care. We were just glad to have a place where we could take turns sleeping as we sat with Anna around the clock. During Anna's last hospital stay, when Richard or his mom would come in the afternoon, I would push a stretcher into an unfinished room across the hall so that I could take a nap. (It is impossible to get uninterrupted sleep in a hospital room.)
One of the sleep rooms will be called "Anna's Room" and will be decorated with butterflies. Hopefully it will provide a serene refuge for tired families. We have committed to raise 10,000 dollars to cover the costs of construction, furnishing, decorating, and maintaining the room.
If you would like to donate to Anna's Room, you can make a check out to Ronald McDonald House Charities of OKC. Please make a note that your donation is to be used for the RM Family Room----Anna's Room (It is very important that you designate where it is to be used).

You can mail your checks to
RMHC of OKC
1301 Northeast 14th St.
OKC, OK 73117-2018

My mother used to tell me that I couldn't sell my way out of a paper bag. I am not a saleswoman or a fundraiser. I AM a mom who cares about other families and who wants her daughter to be remembered. So for that reason, I am asking one thousand of you to send 10 dollars. Can we do it? YES, we can!

Tuesday, April 1, 2008 2:37 PM CDT

I just got back from Tulsa. I went there to record a radio program for Moms In Touch. It will air on April 19---but only in the Tulsa area. When it was over, I called Richard and he asked me how it went. I told him that the content was okay, but I wished I hadn't cried so much. He said that people love that kind of drama.
I said, "Well then, it was pretty dramatic!"
Hopefully the listeners will be able to understand what I was saying. It was the first time I had told my story so it was not easy. It is MUCH easier for me to write my feelings than speak them.
My friend Kay was nice enough to go along for the ride even though I made her sit in the car during the interview. I knew if she was in the room and started crying it would just make it harder on me to get through. Afterwards, we enjoyed a nice cup of tea and an orange scone at Panera and then headed home. In the car, she said I was freezing her out and I was sweating. Finally I pulled over and took off my outer shirt and wore my tank top. If you know me, you know I don't wear tank tops. Kay started calling us "Thelma and Louise" after that.
When we went through the toll booth, the operator said, "I know they are just weeds, but isn't that field over there beautiful with all those purple and yellow flowers."
If you are sitting in the toll booth of life, I hope you notice the beautiful colors outside your window today---even if they are just weeds.
We have a meeting tomorrow about the mystery 10,000 dollars. I'll let you know what that is all about after I get the "scoop".

Sunday, March 30, 2008 4:12 PM CDT

The house dedication was very sweet this morning. The kids were so excited when they walked in a saw the dollhouse. They ran to it and started playing right away. There was a plaque on it that said
"Anna's Home
God wants us to be with Him.
He has prepared a home for us.
John 14:1-4"
I sat in the back of the room and cried the whole time, but they were good healing tears. One little girl asked if Anna was a grandma now that she was in heaven. I think she probably asked that because you are not supposed to go to heaven until you are old---like a grandma! After the story they sang the song that Anna sang in church in November 2006. (We also played it at the funeral.) This brought a fresh round of tears.
Later, when the church service was over the congregation sang "We Will Dance" which was the last song as Anna's service. What wonderful worship as I closed my eyes and pictured myself dancing with my girl in heaven! THEN we went to the Cowboy museum for lunch. That was one of Anna's favorite places and I have some wonderful pictures from our visit last summer.
Facing these things that cause pain is one way to clean our "wound" from the inside out. Avoiding them would not bring about the healing we desire. So we go, we cry, we remember, and we go on.
I don't say that flippantly. It's not easy to do. "Going on" is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I have to do it.

Funny Story---Last week someone told me it was time for another Will story. I visited his school a few days ago and saw the papers that they had written posted in the hall. The subject was "If I had a pot of gold I would...."
Here's Will's answer in it's entirety (he had to add an extra sheet of paper).

"I would give it to cancer research
and save ????? dollars!
And buy a limo!
Then I would buy a cell phone.
Then I would buy a lap top
then I would buy a flat scren TV!
And then I would buy a skateboard!
And then put 30 dollras in my cash account!
And then I would buy a Play Station three!
and then I would buy a Ds!
And then I would buy the mall!
And then I would buy a candy shop!
And then I would buy all the magic tree house books!
And then I would buy a bag of chips!"

I can help him out with the bag of chips, but some of those other things will have to wait until we find a pot of gold. (No I do not need 10,000 dollars to fund Will's wish list!)

Saturday, March 29, 2008 10:34 AM CDT

Richard's grandfather's service was very nice yesterday. Thank you to everyone who came to support his family. We were especially touched to have Bob and Kristi come just three days after Judy's funeral. Kristi told someone that it was good for her to be there. I thought about that. In our day to day life, no one speaks of death and heaven---not on TV, not at the grocery store, not at work. Funerals are one place in our culture where we are reminded of our hope, where we are reminded that death is a part of life, and where it's okay to cry. I guess that's why funerals are good for me too.

We enjoyed our first baseball game of the season last night, although it felt more like a football game as we sat there with our blankets and gloves. Anna wasn't into baseball and hated the cold so I wasn't really thinking about her. Then, when Will and I were in search of nachos, we ran into our neighbor's babysitter and she asked how Anna was doing....... as hard as it is for me to respond to that question, I can only imagine that it is harder for the other person to receive the answer.

Tomorrow at church there will be a very special dedication. Several weeks ago I told the director of the 3 year old class that I wanted to give her one of Anna's dollhouses. Two weeks ago she told me that the lesson for tomorrow was going to be about how God has prepared a place for us in heaven. The teacher's book recommended having a dollhouse for the children to play with as they arrived. We agreed that would be the perfect time to present the dollhouse to the class. The teacher is going to tell them about Anna and how God prepared a place for her. She even bought a little plaque to put on the dollhouse. We will be there, but I don't know if I will be able to speak or not. I think it will be a perfect place for one of Anna's very favorite toys.

Friday, March 28, 2008 9:32 AM CDT

Last night we went to the talent show at Audra's school. There were two little girls there passing out programs. They were taking their job very seriously and having a great time. Instead of standing at the gym doors, they were going through the school seeking out people in need of a program. By the time Richard got there, they were standing at the front door of the school. He told them what a nice job they were doing and how pretty they looked (or something like that). As he was walking away, one of them said to the other, "That is the nicest person I've ever given a program to besides my parents!" What a wonderful compliment! Most of you probably don't know that my husband was voted "Most Polite" in high school.
Audra did a great job playing the piano. She looked very fancy in her Easter dress. I think she was the only one who took a bow following her performance.
The "what if" thoughts come whether I want them to or not....
"What if Anna were here. What talent would she perform?" (I think she would have shaken her tail feathers or sung a solo on the "microscope".)
As I looked at her kindergarten class, I wondered, " Which girl would be Anna's friend? Who would she be sitting by?"
I think those things and I can choose to be sad and wallow in my thoughts or I can think them and choose to be thankful for my beautiful daughter playing the piano, or the dirty little boy sitting in my lap with one shoe on because his other one fell under the bleachers, or my polite husband, or a hundred other things.
It's a CONSTANT choice.

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, think on these things." (Phil. 4:8)

Thursday, March 27, 2008 8:52 AM CDT

"I keep right on praying to you, Lord, hoping this is the time you will show me favor...." (Ps 69:13)

Good morning!
Today is Audra's talent show, tomorrow is Papa's funeral----that is life.

I am very excited this morning at the opportunity we have been given to remember Anna and to help other people at the SAME TIME. I'm not sure how much I can divulge at this point, but I can tell you that I will have to raise 10,000 dollars. I have NEVER done anything like that before. I am NOT a salesperson or fundraiser AT ALL. But the opportunity is so wonderful, I am not going to let my fears and inhibitions keep me from moving forward. I'll let you know what I'm talking about soon.....
I am also excited watching the "counter" on this website today as it creeps towards the one million mark. I realize that half of those are from my mom, but it's fun to watch anyway :-)

Wednesday, March 26, 2008 8:44 AM CDT

Yesterday was not as bad as I thought it would be. I was able to reschedule Audra's piano lesson and Jacob's academic meet was cancelled so everything else was more manageable.
I thought the funeral might be difficult since it was in the same church where we had Anna's, but it wasn't. It was a very nice service and I know both of our families are comforted at the thought of Anna and Judy being together.
Anna was also joined last night by her great grandfather. Richard's grandfather, Jesse Droke, passed away last night so we will be getting ready for yet another funeral. I am reminded of Ecclesiastes chapter 7.....

1 A good name is better than fine perfume,
and the day of death better than the day of birth.

2 It is better to go to a house of mourning
than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of every man;
the living should take this to heart.

3 Sorrow is better than laughter,
because a sad face is good for the heart.

4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.

Our lives are full of mourning now, but we are looking forward and pressing on to the joy set before us.

Monday, March 24, 2008 11:07 AM CDT

We made it through another holiday. The hardest part for me was on Saturday when the kids were coloring their eggs. I had to go inside and let them do it without me. I just had to get my sad "out" and then I could go on.
Yesterday at church I sat by my friend Karen whose mom died last week. We were able to "encourage one another and build each other up" as we faced our first Easter without our loved ones. After church we had a great time with our family and friends.
Tomorrow is Judy's funeral, talent show rehearsal, piano lessons, academic team meet, and our bi-monthly grief group. It should be an exhausting day. So today I am staying home eating the kids' Easter candy and sorting Richard's sock drawer. He happened to mention this morning that he didn't have any white socks. I checked his drawer and he's right, no white socks. BUT the man has 53 pairs of dress socks! Does anyone need that many socks?
I know I have something better to do, but some days I just wander around the house trying to figure out what it is.

Saturday, March 22, 2008 6:38 PM CDT

1 Corinthians 15

42 Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, but they will be raised to live forever. 43 Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength. 44 They are buried as natural human bodies, but they will be raised as spiritual bodies... 53 For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies. 54 Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:

"Death is swallowed up in victory.
O death, where is your victory?
O grave, where is your sting?"

Those are the verses I laminated and tied to the flowers we put on Anna's grave this afternoon. We took the kids out there for the first time since the funeral. We read the verses out loud and then joined hands to pray. Then we went out for pizza, dyed Easter eggs, and opened our goodies from the Easter bunny. The cemetery is NOT a tradition I would have chosen to add to our Easter celebration, but it seems to "fit" with the true meaning of Easter even more than chocolate eggs.
Tomorrow we are having 22 people over for lunch. Those who are coming think I am being nice, but it is purely a defense mechanism. My thought is that if I stay busy and surround myself with people, these "first" holidays will be much easier.
I hope you have a blessed day tomorrow.

He is risen.
He is risen indeed!

Saturday, March 22, 2008 9:13 AM CDT

Thursday, March 20, 2008 2:00 PM CDT

I hope Anna is being read to by Ms Judy today. Our good friend Judy Vestal passed away early this morning. Anna always loved going to Bob and Judy's house for holidays and football games. The picture above is of Anna, Sittie, and Judy in January of '07. Please pray for Judy's family.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008 11:31 AM CDT

It has been a quiet week at home for me, but the kids are busy-busy. They have been attending Champs Camp at our church. They are there from 8-5pm. They get to do two different sports a day---tennis, bowling, skating, football, golf, etc. Will slept in his clothes one night so that he would be ready to go the next day. He loves all of the activity. Audra didn't want to go unless she could be in a group with someone she knew. She would be happy sitting with a friend doing crafts all day. Jacob is old enough to be on "staff" so he gets to stay at the church from Sunday through Friday night. I saw him briefly yesterday--just enough time for him to ask me for money to go to Sonic. I'm hoping he will let me know if he needs clean clothes...I'm hoping he will NOTICE if he needs clean clothes! Richard spent the first night supervising the boys dorm. He was advised by another parent to take his shift earlier in the week because by the end of the week, those rooms get pretty stinky.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008 10:57 AM CDT

Feelings change.
Of course they are related to our circumstances, but they can be affected by our health, our hormones, the weather, and other people. One of the best things I read said, "You are not always going to feel this way." (You think I could have figured that one out on my own!) People who commit suicide think, "I'm always going to feel this way. It will never get any better." That is NOT true. Yes, I still have days when I have to pick myself up off the floor, but I know I won't always feel this way.
Almost every book on grieving that I've read says that however you feel is "normal", whatever you do to cope is "normal", and that grief lasts a lot longer than you think it will. That gives me a lot of freedom to be a little "wacko" now and then.
Of course that's just what the books say. Society says that if you look good, you must be good. I may look good, but I keep a big black bow on my front door to remind myself and others that I'm still grieving.
Yes, I'm grieving, but not as one without hope. I have hope for this life and the one to come!

Monday, March 17, 2008 2:11 PM CDT

Feelings change. Saturday was full of hope and excitement. Sunday was a struggle just to get through the day. It's not always easy to go to church....I was away for so long. Yesterday we sat behind a little girl named Anna. She's only 3 or 4 and already bigger than my Anna. Looking at her made me so sad. Everything about her screamed, "This is what you lost!" I couldn't stop the tears, yet I was unable to move away. After half of the service was over, I was finally able to settle down.
Today I read these verses,
"You have...broken our defenses...You have shaken our land and split it open. Seal the cracks before it completely collapses. You have been very hard on us, making us drink wine that sent us reeling. But you have raised a banner for those who honor you---a rallying point in the face of attack." (Ps 60:1-4)
That's what I feel like sometimes....split open, collapsing, reeling. But it says God has raised a banner over me. A banner was something they would lift up in battle to rally the troops to press on. It is something to focus on besides my pain...a rallying point when I am being attacked by despair, bitterness, anger, and depression.

"his BANNER over me is love." (SS 2:4)
"In that day the Root of Jesse will stand as a BANNER for the peoples; the nations will rally to him, and his place of rest will be glorious." (Is 11:10)
"Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must BE LIFTED UP, that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life." (Jn 3:14)
"When I (Jesus) am LIFTED UP from the earth, will draw all men to myself." (Jn 12:32)
"Let us FIX OUR EYES on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross." (Heb 12:2)
"My EYES ARE EVER ON THE LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare." (Ps 25:15)

The cross is our banner.

Saturday, March 15, 2008 8:28 AM CDT

O death where is your victory? O grave where is your sting? (1Cor 15:55)

I am SO looking forward to Easter and celebrating Christ's victory over death. On the first Easter when Christ rose from the grave, he proved that he had power over death. Because he lives, we can live..... and ANNA LIVES! Because I have that hope, I can press on even in my grief.
The day after Anna died I went for a walk. I was crying out to God for help and he reminded me of 2 Corinthians 4:18 "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." It was like a light went on in my head.....Anna is unseen.....Anna is eternal!
Everything I can see as I sit here at my computer will pass away..... including this body that I am using. Everything! It is what is UNSEEN that is eternal.

Thursday, March 13, 2008 6:14 PM CDT

I am thankful for the gifts that Anna gave me, but some days I just miss having her with me. The last few months before she died, she had to be carried to the bathroom. I was the chosen one for this task. She didn't like anyone else to take her (which is why I never left the house for more than 15 minutes!) When I would pick her up, she would wrap her skinny little arms around my neck. Most of the time (when she wasn't too grumpy) she would give me a sweet kiss on the cheek. Today I am really missing those kisses.

"Lord on these days when I wish I could go back, help me to press on."

PS. I added some new pictures on the photo page. In the one of Will and Anna, notice all the medicine in the background. This picture was taken before Will accidently pulled out Anna's NG tube. She hated the tube so I'm sure she was glad Will got rid of it!

(Please join me in praying for our friend Lane Monday and his mom Gena.) www.caringbridge.org/visit/lanemonday

Wednesday, March 12, 2008 9:03 AM CDT

ATTENTION! Caring Bridge fixed the problem with the obscene spam. From now on you will have to identify a few numbers when you want to sign the guestbook. This is evidently to prove that you are human :-) I hope it won't be too much of an inconvenience and discourage anyone from signing in.

Last night we went to our grief group. I am sworn to secrecy about what the other group members say, but I think it's okay to share what I said. We did an activity that required us to identify the "gifts" we received from our loved one who died. I LOVED this activity. It made me focus on Anna's gifts to me.....

1. Friends----In an old journal (before Anna was born) I wrote, "Please Lord give me two friends." That's all I asked for. As a stay-at-home mom of little ones, you can feel so isolated. Because of Anna, I have more deep friendships than I've ever had before.

2. Ministry----Growing up, I wanted to be a foreign missionary. God has given me a platform that I never would have chosen, but one that is very valuable.

3. Strength----Facing two liver transplants in Delaware, away from family and friends....I never thought I could do that. Facing death..... I never thought I could do that.

4. Memories

5. Depth

6. Hope----for the future and an eternity spent in heaven.

7. Wisdom/Perspective----Knowing what's important in life....and what's not worth getting upset over.

8. Sorrow

9. Pain

Yes, she left me the "gifts" of sorrow and pain, but you can see that those are just part of the "package". They are not all she left me.

Thank you Lord for the gift of Anna and thank you for what she gave me.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008 3:31 PM CDT

ATTENTION!
WE ARE GETTING SPAMMED WITH OBSCENE EMAILS ON THE GUEST BOOK TODAY. I AM TRYING TO DELETE THEM AS THEY COME IN, BUT PLEASE BE ADVISED TO NOT READ THE GUEST BOOK TODAY!
WE WILL TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO BLOCK THESE AS QUICKY AS POSSIBLE.

I was listening to the CD from Anna's service during my walk today. I don't think I have put these lyrics on before. This was one of the songs we used in the slide show.

It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And If I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'LL HAVE TEARS AS YOU TAKE OFF
BUT I'LL CHEER AS YOU FLY

(Mark Harris, "Find Your Wings")

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." C.S. Lewis

(Thanks for the quote Gena!)

Monday, March 10, 2008 10:22 AM CDT

I think Will's Sunday School teacher reads this website, so maybe she can explain this story.
Last Sunday after church Will told me that his offering was for cookies. I asked him to explain what that meant. He said, "the guy in charge of the offering went somewhere where all the people have to eat is cookies and coffee. When the bell rings, if you don't come right away, the monkeys will eat the cookies and all you get is coffee. The offering was for cookies because that's all the people have to eat and the monkeys steal the cookies." (I know he said this because I wrote it down on the back of my sermon notes.)
Does anyone know where this place is that has cookies and coffee and pesky monkeys?

Yesterday at church we sang one of my favorite songs. I got choked up on the chorus....
He gives and takes away
He gives and takes away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be your name.

It's definitely a choice I have to make everyday, but at least I don't have any monkeys stealing my cookies!

Sunday, March 9, 2008 3:56 PM CDT

Today has been a beautiful spring day. I must admit, I LOVE the extra daylight that we get from setting our clocks forward.
This morning I was so encouraged in my daily Bible reading. I find such fellowship with other parents who have suffered in the same way I have. There is comfort in being with someone who understands how you feel. Today I read what Jesus told his disciples the night he was arrested, "My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death."
HE KNOWS.
He knows how I felt the night Anna died....how I feel today.....how I will feel tomorrow. There is comfort in that.
And listen to this prayer!
"He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting him might pass him by. 'Abba, Father,' he said, 'everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet, I want your will, not mine.'" (Mark 14:34-36)
That was MY prayer. I KNEW God could heal Anna if he wanted to. Nothing is impossible for him. I BELIEVED. I BEGGED that the "cup of suffering" would be taken away from me. And yet, I TRUSTED in his will instead of my own.
Why is this so encouraging?
A few days ago I was struggling with Mark 11:22-24 where it says that I can pray for anything and if I believe, I can have it. If I read those verses by themselves I can blame myself for not believing "enough". But today when I read Jesus' prayer I was so encouraged. NO ONE had more faith than Jesus, and yet it was God's will that he suffer and die, so his prayer for deliverance was not answered.
I don't understand everything about prayer. I have more questions than answers. I can't understand, but I can trust. AND I can look forward to the hope of EASTER!

PS. Thank you "Friend" for your sweet note about Anna.

Friday, March 7, 2008 8:29 AM CST

Maybe someone else besides me needs to read these words today......

Why must I weep when others sing?
To test the deeps of suffering.

Why must I work while others rest?
To spend my strength at God's request.

Why must I lose while others gain?
To understand defeats sharp pain.

Why must this lot of life be mine
When that which fairer seems is thine?

Because God knows what plans for me
Shall blossom in eternity.

("Streams in the Desert" -Cowman, March 7)

Thursday, March 6, 2008 12:46 AM CST

I just have two kids home with me today. Yesterday Jacob told me he thought he could go back to school if I baked him some cookies. I guess that did the trick because he got up this morning without any problems.
Will was pretty miserable yesterday with a high fever, but today he and Audra have the perfect sickness. Their only symptom is a 99 degree temperature---just enough to stay home, but not enough to feel bad. They are keeping each other entertained.
I added a link to the kidsart website below. Anna's butterfly painting is listed under Art With a Heart 2008. She also has a daisy she painted last year listed under Art With a Heart 2007.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008 8:32 AM CST

Today instead of having one sick child, I have three. Jacob has been home since last Friday and the other two got sick last night. I feel like I got my old job back!
Yesterday I had to do two "hard" things. I went to the library and the pharmacy. I hadn't been to the library since Anna died. I had a fine that I needed to pay from some overdue Junie B. Jones and Berenstein Bears books. I had avoided paying it because that was just one more area that needed "closure". But Jacob wanted some new books to read while he was sick. Now I have a little piece of paper in my purse with a list of the last books we checked out for Anna.
Then I had to go to the pharmacy to fill Jacob's script. I hadn't been there since Anna was put on hospice. (Hospice has your meds delivered to your house which is VERY nice.) I think the people at the pharmacy know that Anna died, but I learned last week that I can't assume that everyone knows. (Someone came up to Richard at Art WIth a Heart and asked how Anna was doing.) They didn't ask about her yesterday so they probably know, but they don't know what to say. Trust me, I would rather have people say something about Anna and make me cry than to avoid talking about her. Being forgotten is worse than being sad.
So today I will be busy getting juice, taking temperatures, disinfecting, fixing snacks, and playing games. I'm okay with that.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008 9:31 AM CST

"I can still believe that a day comes for all of us... when we shall understand; when these tragedies that now blacken and darken the very air of heaven for us will sink into their places in a scheme so magnificent, so joyful, that we shall laugh for wonder and delight." ---Arthur Christopher Benson

I'm not there yet, but I am hanging on to the hope that is in me. Just this morning I read,
"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while 'He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.'" (Heb. 10:35-38)
I can set my mind on things above, but I have found that it doesn't last. I must be transformed by the (constant) renewing of my mind. If I lose my focus I sink down into the muck and mire of despair and hopelessness. As my beloved Mrs. Cowman says, "We need a transformation in 'the things hoped for.' We need to be renewed in mind daily."
DAILY. EVERY DAY. I can choose to look back or press on. I can choose to look at the waves around me or look up to my Savior's face. My choice.
Press on. Look up.

Monday, March 3, 2008 10:32 AM CST

Jacob and I seem to be battling the "bug" that is going around. He has it much worse than I do with a fever and sore throat. I just have a stuffy head. Whenever I get sick and feel miserable, I think about Anna and how miserable she must have felt most of the time. It's amazing that she continued to live her life as normal as she did. I feel bad that the memory of the good years when she wasn't sick has been replaced by the memory of the years when she was. (Similar to Gen. 41:30 when Joseph told Pharaoh that the famine would be so severe that the memory of the years of abundance would be forgotten.)
Yesterday I sorted through Audra's clothes that I had been saving for Anna. Most of them were still way to big for her. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be until I found some things that were size 3. I started crying, "She could have worn these."
Then I had to let it go and go on. I remember telling her about the white robes in heaven that are mentioned in the book of Revelation. She asked me if she would have to wear white. She never wanted to wear all-white dresses or shirts. She liked colors and patterns. I'm sure whatever she is wearing now is dazzling.

Saturday, March 1, 2008 8:01 AM CST

We made it through "Art With a Heart" last night. It was difficult to go, but we are so glad we did. It was a wonderful evening. Anna's painting was part of a display honoring four children who died this year. At one point I snuck close to the table to listen to people talk about Anna as they read her bio page. (They didn't know who I was.) I love to hear people talk about her!
One of the best surprises of the evening was finding out that one of the kids I know from the clinic is in Jacob's PE class at school. David only knew me as Anna's mom, but now he knows that I'm "Cheese Nip's" mom too (Jacob's nick-name at school).
Thank you to the Tri Deltas and all of the other sponsors of last night's event.
If you would like to order any items with Anna's butterfly painting on them (tiles, mugs, note cards, etc.), you can go to www.kidsartetc.com. Just tell Pat that you want "Anna Salamy's Butterfly" and he can make whatever you want. (Her painting does not currently show up under the Art With the Heart 2008 group. We are working on that little problem.) The proceeds will benefit OCCA.

(View the painting on the photo page.)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008 8:17 AM CST

Another good one from Will.....
Last night we went to our grief group. The kids meet together separate from the parents, but we all focus on the same topic. Last night's topic was "guilt and regret". When we got in the car to drive home I asked if anyone wanted to share something they talked about. Will said that the teacher asked if anyone knew what "regret" was. He told her, "If you get a tattoo on your head, then when you are 97 you will regret it because it will be all wrinkled."

Please look at the photo page to see Anna's painting for "Art With a Heart". "Art With a Heart" is a silent auction benefitting the Oklahoma Children's Cancer Association. It will be held this Friday at 7pm at the History Center. Anna's painting will be on display, but because it is priceless, it will not be for sale. We will attend in her honor.
For more information go to www.artwithaheartokc.com
(Notice Anna's smiling face on the home page.)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008 8:33 AM CST

Someone wrote and asked me to give examples of what seemed to be "mistakes" in the Bible that were ultimately part of God's purpose. There are two big ones that come to mind. When Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, that doesn't really seem like a good plan to us does it? It looks like an impulsive decision made by some angry young men, which I'm sure they regretted later. I also started thinking of his father Jacob and his regret. How many times did he think, "If only I hadn't sent Joseph to go check on his brothers!" How insignificant that decision looks to us, but how HUGE it must have seemed to Jacob. And yet, God had a plan to save his people and he used circumstances that appeared at the time to be tragedies.

Even Jesus dying on the cross appeared to those around him to be a HUGE tragedy. I can hear the disciple's regrets now, "Why did we ever let Judas be a part of our group?" "If only Jesus had chosen someone else." or "Why didn't we leave Jerusalem when we had a chance?" "If we had spent the Passover in Bethany none of this would have happened!" Of course God had a perfect plan to save ALL people that could not be thwarted by the actions of men.

Oh, I still don't understand God's plan for Anna BUT I can trust that his purpose cannot be thwarted by my actions. Am I still tempted to be like Jacob and the disciples and think that there was something I should have done differently---YES. But the Bible says, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Cor. 10:13)

Sunday, February 24, 2008 9:03 PM CST

A difficult weekend.
Baby Emily's funeral was Saturday. They used a lot of songs from Anna's service which was okay because I have a CD from her service that I listen to often. The hardest part was when a friend of ours sang "Fly to Jesus". That was the song we played right before Anna died.
Then today was the 3 year anniversary of Anna's diagnosis. (The word "anniversary" does not sound right because that implies "celebration", and it certainly wasn't that.) A sweet friend at church gave me a gift and said, "I know what today is." I was so touched that she would remember and that she would realize that it was a hard day for me.
A natural part of grief is regret. I struggle to reconcile my belief in a sovereign God with thinking that if only I had only done things differently, I could have changed the outcome. If you read the Bible you can see that God either causes or allows "mistakes" to be made, but that his purpose is accomplished no matter what. If I think that something I "should have" done would have made a difference in Anna living or dying, then I am setting myself up as God. James Bruce says in his book "From Grief to Glory",

"the battle was not for us to win or lose, for Christ alone holds the keys of life and death, and He shares those keys with no one. The duty to fight was ours; the outcome belonged to God." (p 13)

We fought with everything we had. The outcome belongs to God.

Saturday, February 23, 2008 9:11 AM CST

I was cleaning out my inbox and found this old email from a friend describing a conversation she had with Anna this past summer.

"Anna was really great today. She got sick for a bit, but after I finally talked her into going to the bathroom, she was better. I did have to continue reading Junie B. Jones while she was on the pot. She got the stool out for me to sit on. It was a fun potty party.

If she talks of mansions, it was from our conversation. She told me that the barn owl got Nugget and then she said "I wonder where animals go when they die?"
I said, "heaven"
She said, "which one?"
"the only one"
"yeah, I really don't know how I'm going to get my new healthy body and get out of this one"
I said, "There is nothing to be afraid of"
"I know, I know, I just don't know how it is going to happen"
"Your mom and dad are going to be with you"
"I know, I know, so animals are in heaven?"
"Yes, but the best thing about heaven is that we are with Jesus."
"And all of our family and friends."
"And there are streets of gold and pearly gates and we get mansions.
"What are mansions?"
"Does Kay have a fancy house?"
"Yes"
"Like that, but better."
"Well, my brothers and sister talked me into going in the Haunted Mansion at Disneyworld"
"No, nothing like that"

And so it went. She was very relaxed and peaceful during the whole conversation. Did she come up with all that on her own or have you been talking to her?

Praying for you all and asking God to let us keep her for a long, long time." -SN

Friday, February 22, 2008 7:07 AM CST

Romans 8:17 "But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. 18 Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will give us later...21 All creation anticipates the day when it will join God's children in glorious freedom from death and decay...23 And even we Christians, although we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, also groan to be released from pain and suffering. We, too, wait anxiously for that day when God will give us our full rights as his children, including the new bodies he has promised us... 35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or are hungry or cold or in danger or threatened with death?...37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us."

Thursday, February 21, 2008 7:54 PM CST

I cannot tell you how good it was to share Emily's last day with her family. I think it may have helped me more than it helped them. I found such strength in comforting someone else with the comfort I have received. I found a poem this morning that kind of explains what happened.

God laid upon my back a grievous load,
A heavy cross to bear along the road.

I staggered on, and lo! one weary day,
An angry lion sprang across my way.

I prayed to God, and swift at His command
The cross became a weapon in my hand.

It slew my raging enemy, and then
Became a cross upon my back again.

I reached a desert. O'er the burning track
I persevered, the cross upon my back.

No shade was there, and in the cruel sun
I sank at last, and thought my days were done.

But lo! the Lord works many a blest surprise--
The cross became a tree before my eyes!

I slept; I woke, to feel the strength of ten.
I found the cross upon my back again.

And thus through all my days from then to this,
The cross, my burden, has become my bliss.

Nor ever shall I lay the burden down,
For God some day will make the cross a crown!
----Amos R. Wells

I was able to use my "cross" in a mighty way, and then.....it became a cross again. So I will carry this burden of grief for a lifetime....knowing that God will use my grief in moments of bliss as I conquer the enemy along the way and SOMEDAY it will be made into a crown that I will cast at his feet----no more to bear!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008 8:52 PM CST

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and tomorrow.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

We'd be held....

This is what it is to be loved.
And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

(Held, sung by Natalie Grant)

Wednesday, February 20, 2008 8:33 AM CST

Yesterday I did not struggle with anger or envy. I only deal with those emotions when I start to feel sorry for myself. When I reach out to other people who are hurting, it takes my focus off myself and it has a healing effect on me. Yesterday I had the privilege of spending the day with another family whose daughter was receiving hospice care . It was good for the mom to have someone there who had just been through a similar experience and it was so good for me to be able to help someone else. Baby Emily died this morning at 6:30am. Please pray for Sharon, David, and big sister Claire.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008 8:37 AM CST

Yesterday started out so good. I was feeling very positive and hopeful and praising God. Then there were several things that "triggered" some negative emotions.
First, I gave away Anna's little kitchen. I wanted to do it. I gave it to one of her friends, but it was still hard.
Then I spent some time editing this online journal. I am trying to get it ready to print out so that I can have a hard copy. I got to the part where Anna's AFP was down to 11. We were so excited and happy. And as I was reading the story I found myself hoping for a different ending. God knows that if I were writing this story (instead of living it), it would have had a different ending. So then I had to deal with anger.
Later I was overcome by envy as I read about a friend whose child received clean scans on her recent check-up. Of course I don't want everyone else's child to die. But hearing those things makes me want to shake my fist and shout, "NO FAIR!!!"
You know what? God knew what kind of day I was going to have yesterday. This morning as I reviewed my quiet time notes from yesterday, I saw the verse I had written down.
"Stop your anger! Turn from your rage! Do not envy others--it only leads to harm." (Psalm 37:8)
God knew what I would face and he told me ahead of time what to do. He knows what is going to happen today. He is the God who sees---not just what is happening right now, but what is going to happen.
I will trust him. I will turn from my anger even as I pour my heart out to him. I will rejoice with those who rejoice, even as my heart is breaking. I will keep my thoughts focused on the unseen eternal and not on that which is temporary. It's my choice.

Funny Story----I think God gives me these things for comic relief. Praise Him for that!
Two days ago I noticed that the crystal on my watch was cracked. I was sure that one of the kids had something to do with it, but they denied knowing anything about it. Then yesterday I saw that there was another crack in a different spot. I knew that I had been wearing my watch all day so I couldn't blame it on the kids.
Since Anna's death I have been wearing a charm bracelet. It has four little pairs of silver shoes with the kids' initials and birthdays engraved on the bottoms. It also has a butterfly charm next to Anna's shoes. I realized that for the last two days I have been playing Will on the Wii. Evidently all that activity has caused the charm bracelet to break the watch. I am 40 years old and I broke my watch playing the Wii....I think they should have a warning about that on the box!

Monday, February 18, 2008 8:30 AM CST

A friend wrote me this week. She said that life was much simpler when her son was alive. All she had to do then was trust God and take care of Paul. I agree. When Anna was alive that was all I had to do each day....trust God and take care of her.

Now I carry around a calendar so I can schedule my activities and keep track of my never ending "to do" list.
People never expected me to do anything besides take care of Anna before.... now there are expectations.
My relationships were pretty easy---I took what people gave me. I was friends with whoever came by that day. Now I have to reach out to others.
Even my prayer life was easier. I knew what to pray for. Now I struggle to read the same verses that I used to find so encouraging.

So instead of complicating things. I will try to live what I learned....
1) Trust God
2) Don't worry about tomorrow
3) Be thankful
4) Press on

When Richard left this morning he asked, "What's on your schedule for today?" I told him, "I'm going to trust God and clean the house. I'm going to trust God and do the laundry. I'm going to trust God and go for a walk."
Beyond that, who knows?

Funny story---
Will was dressed for school this morning, but when he came downstairs after brushing his teeth he was wearing a different shirt. I asked him why he changed shirts and he said, "Audra was trying to do that magic trick where you pretend to pour a pot of water over someone's head, but she didn't know how."

Saturday, February 16, 2008 10:15 AM CST

Last night was supposed to be our big Valentines night out. After we dropped the kids off at the church, Richard said he wasn't feeling good. So instead of going out, we rented a movie. After we got the movie, he said he REALLY wasn't feeling good. So instead of dinner, I got a diet coke from 7-11. He went to bed, I watched the movie by myself then went to go get the kids. True love....... He promises he will make it up to me :-)

Anna had surgery on this day last year. My verse that day was, "All day long I put my hope in you." (Psalm 25:5)
I wrote, "Lord as we face a long day of waiting--not knowing if Anna will live or die--we put our hope in you."
Then later I added, "They got the tumor out....will it come back? I don't know. Do I get another chance to kiss and hold Anna--yes!"

Friday, February 15, 2008 1:53 PM CST

I was reading an old journal and I found a sticky note stuck inside the back cover with one of Anna's prayers I had written down. The date was 10/05. She was 3 years old.

"Thank you Lord for this delicious food,
that we are safe at home,
that I can live with mommy for a little while until I die.....
I know everyone is going to die and that you love me more than mom."

(Lord, thank you for letting Anna live with us for a little while. I know you love her even more than I do. Thank you that she is safe at home with you. Please give her a hug for me.)

Thursday, February 14, 2008 8:30 AM CST

What a difference a year makes. One year ago today we were on our way to Delaware for another surgery. There was a snow storm in Chicago so we were diverted to Houston for several hours. It was a very long day. Anna was a real trooper and didn't complain half as much as I did. (The picture above was taken in the airport on Valentines Day last year. Anna was content as long as we kept reading to her.)

Last night I had the honor of meeting Selah and Point of Grace--two of my favorite groups. I was able to thank them for their music, which has helped me so much during the past 3 years. We used 5 of their songs in Anna's memorial service.
One of Selah's songs has become our family's theme song. It really captures the idea of moving forward.

When the valley is deep
When the mountain is steep
When the body is weary
When we stumble and fall

When the choices are hard
When we're battered and scarred
When we've spent our resources
When we've given our all

Chorus:
In Jesus' name, we press on
In Jesus' name, we press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on

In Jesus' name, we press on
In Jesus' name, we press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on
To press on

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 9:12 AM CST

Party on....
I am not very good at parties. I never have excelled at small-talk, but I'm even worse now. I went to a party this weekend where I didn't know very many people. A very nice lady sat down beside me and said, "Aren't you Anna's mom?" I blurted out, "Yes, but don't be too nice to me or I will start crying!" Smooth..... Then there was a mom there whose daughter has a heart condition. We were standing next to each other and I didn't know what to say so I said, "So, I hear we use the same hospice." Really! What kind of opening sentence is that! No wonder it's easier to stay home.....

The Look of Love......
Will has been getting in the Valentines Day spirt this week. A couple of nights ago he told me he wanted to marry me when he grew up. I told him that he couldn't marry me, but that he could marry someone LIKE me. He said, "What if I can't find anyone like you?" I told him not to worry, that I would find someone for him. I wonder if I can get that in writing---that I get to help choose his bride.

Then yesterday when I was at the school, Will's teacher told me that some of the girls in the class said that Will was trying to kiss them. When Will got in the car after school I said, "Will, were you trying to kiss the girls this week?" He got quiet and looked like he was trying to think of how to answer. I wondered if he would deny it. Then he said, "Well, I'm not sure if it was this week or last week." HA! At least he's not a liar!

One more.....Will took a dollar to school yesterday to buy a candy-gram. After school he told me that he had spent the dollar on ice cream instead. He said that if he bought a candy-gram for someone then they might think he was their boyfriend and apparently he wasn't ready for that level of commitment.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 6:44 AM CST

Here's another song---a bit more "upbeat" than the one yesterday. I heard a little girl sing it this weekend while holding her baby sister who is on hospice. What a powerful testimony and a reminder that with all the bad stuff we have to deal with down here---it's only the world, and there is so much more than only the world for me!

Been a hard one, Been a bad one
Been a tough one, Been a sad one
It's been one of those days that keeps chipping away at my heart
Nothing new here, It's what I do here
its a stereotypical day, in the life
I'm surrounded by all of the pain and the strife
but I know it's alright

Cause it's only the world i'm living in
It's only today i've been given
There ain't no way i'm giving in
Cause it's only the world
I know the best is still yet to come
Cause even when my days in the world are done
There's gonna be so much more than only the world for me

Anybody can you hear me?
Do you feel me? I mean, do you feel me?
I know I'm not the only one wearing the weight of this world
We got problems
Just remember
Take a good look around we're just stuck on the ground for a little while
Don't it make you smile

Cause it's only the world i'm living in
It's only today i've been given
There ain't no way i'm giving in
Oh Cause it's only the world
I know the best is still yet to come
Cause even when my days in the world are done
There's gonna be so much more than only the world for me

Heaven is a place where the tears on every face will be wiped away
Oh And I can't wait to go, but for now it's enough to know
This is only temporary
(Only the World, by Mandisa)

Monday, February 11, 2008 11:52 AM CST

I found a quote today that I want to share with you.....

In the movie Shadowlands, when Joy Gresham reminds C. S. Lewis that their joy would soon end, that she would die, he replies that he doesn't want to think about it. Joy responds, "The pain is part of the happiness. That's the deal."
I am SO thankful for the happiness and the gift that Anna was. If the pain is part of that, then so be it.

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here and I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn
(Beauty from Ashes, by Superchick)

Can you tell I am having a melancholy day? I have been going back through old journals from 2005. I can see that I survived those days one day at a time---even those times I thought, "I can't do this!" Today I still have that thought and I still survive one day at a time.

Sunday, February 10, 2008 10:54 AM CST

Hello hello
It's good to know
We can go home forever
Heaven is a long hello

"Goodbye," Jesus said
To His dearest friends
Who were shaking their heads
"Tomorrow I will be gone
But believe what I say
I'll be back before long"
Next day they carried Him to a tomb
Then spent some lonely days locked in their room
O, I wish I could have been together with them
To see the look on every face...
When the Lord said

Hello, hello I told you so
And now you'll know forever
That Heaven is a long hello
Hello, it's good to know
We can go home forever
Heaven is a long hello

Farewell, adios
And all the goodbye words
That hurt us the most
They will be obsolete
No more bon voyage no a revederci
There's no need for auf Wiedersehen
When there's nowhere to go
To get back from again
And I'll look at you for an eon or two
Or three or four or more...and say
Hello, hello, I missed you so

But then we'll know forever
And have ourselves a long hello
Hello, it's good to know
We can go home forever and ever

Oh, the time will come
When time will pass
And we will have forever together
And when at last
I see your face
We'll spend an age embracing and saying....
Hello

(Heaven is a Long Hello, by Billy Sprague)

Saturday, February 9, 2008 10:42 AM CST

Fevers without fear:
Jacob was sick for two days this week, but was able to play his last basketball game today. Unfortunately Audra woke up with a fever today and cried when she realized that she would miss her last game. (A big change from a few weeks ago when she cried because she didn't want to play her first game!) I was upset that I would miss all the games today, and then I realized that I should be thankful that we didn't have to go to the hospital. When Richard offered to stay home in my place, I told him that if he did that then I wouldn't be able to pout and feel sorry for myself. (I think sometimes we want to pout and feel sorry for ourselves!) So here we are watching Hannah Montana and waiting out a NORMAL fever---without the fear of an unwanted hospitalization. So for that I will be thankful.

Getting something off my chest.....
We got a bill from the hospital today. It said it was our final notice. It said in 10 days our account will be turned over to an outside collection agency. It said that our state income tax could be "intercepted".
I can't believe that our daughter has been gone for over 2 months and we are still getting bills. Do you want to know how much they say we owe and are "seriously delinquent" in not paying?
Twenty dollars.

Thursday, February 7, 2008 1:16 PM CST

I remember one time I was visiting a woman I respected very much. It was time to go and I was trying to get the kids in the car. Sometimes having four children is like herding cats and this was one of those times. When I finally managed to get everyone in the car, my friend looked at me and said, "Boy, you sure have a lot of patience!" I looked at her and said, "Do you really think I am going to yell at my kids in front of you?!"
Most of us are very good at wearing our masks that hide what is going on inside. My sins are the kind that no one knows about but me. They are in my heart and in my thoughts. I've found it's much easier to change my behavior than my attitude. I do know that even though I can't change my circumstances, I can choose the way I will respond. I haven't been responding very well the past few days. Oh, I will do my best, but in the end I know there is only one way to bring about lasting change.
Jesus said, "I am the WAY the truth and the light." (John 14:6)

Wednesday, February 6, 2008 3:52 PM CST

Someone asked me what I had learned in my "school" the past three years. I have learned so MUCH, but I told that person that I thought the tuition was WAY too high a price to pay. I wish I could have learned all this from a book.
There is no way I want to waste this experience by going back to the way I was before, but I find myself drifting into old habits that I thought were gone. This week I have been judgmental, unforgiving, prideful, angry and selfish. At least I can recognize those things right away and confess them. But I don't want to BE that way! I realize that I may be prone to irrational thoughts right now and when I voice them to Richard he is able to lovingly point out, "You know that is crazy thinking don't you?" If I keep my thoughts to myself they become HUGE. I am thankful for a wise and understanding husband who loves me no matter what. I am thankful for a God whose love is unfailing.

Funny story--Audra lost one of her fish this week. No, this particular one didn't die, she LOST it. Apparently she was changing the water and the fish fell on the floor and she NEVER found it. We think maybe the dog got a little treat. We have been to the pet store three times in the last two weeks to get replacement fish for the ones that have died. Lucky for me they are only 12 cents each! Thank you to the kind workers at PetSmart who take the time to catch just the right ones out of the hundreds swimming in the tank.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008 12:33 AM CST

Today my major accomplishment (besides voting) was going to a Ladies Bible Study. It was the first time in three years that I had been able to do something like that. It was a step up from yesterday's major accomplishment of installing new toilet seats.
I have also been reading through my old journals. I found the one I started a few weeks before Anna was diagnosed. On January 9, 2005 I wrote, "Live like you are dying." I put some fancy lines around it, like it was supposed to be my goal for the new year or something. Little did I know that I was about to enter the school of living while dying.

Sunday, February 3, 2008 9:41 PM CST

We had a fun Super Bowl party tonight. Actually it was supposed to be Jacob's party. He invited a few friends over and was in charge of the menu. The kids lost interest after the first five minutes and spent the rest of the evening on the trampoline or chasing each other around the house with nerf guns.
I thought of Anna when one kid had a runny nose and another went home early with a stomach ache. The threat of germs used to keep us from having anyone over, but tonight it was "Oh well, a cold? the flu? no problem."
We miss Anna desperately, but we do NOT miss going to the hospital, the daily medicine, worrying about fevers, "pokes", chemo, CT's, MRI's, PET scans, ultrasounds, biopsies, labs, and waiting for test results. I'm SURE she is glad that those things are over as well. Not only that, but for her there is no more pain, no more crying, and NO MORE DYING.

Saturday, February 2, 2008 2:47 PM CST

Last night a boy in our neighborhood was missing. By the time we joined the search, there was a helicopter circling overhead and at least two police cars involved. We drove to the park and questioned some suspicious looking teenagers (a lot of teenagers are suspicious looking don't you think?) Then we looked into parked cars and drove around a bit more. After that we decided we should get organized so we went back to get some instructions. When we got back to the boy's house they had found him! We were so thankful for a happy ending. He was in the house the whole time---under the pillows on his parents bed. This whole incident gave us a new Salamy "house rule".
If you hide, don't fall asleep!!!!!

Friday, February 1, 2008 1:09 PM CST

Richard finally got to enjoy his Christmas present last night. I had gotten him tickets to see Casting Crowns in concert. We braved the snow and ice and were blessed by an evening of worship. During the intermission they played a video that I wanted to share with you. It is Mercy Me singing "I Can Only Imagine". It shows people holding portraits of their loved ones who have died. I recognized Tammy Trent whose husband died in a drowning accident and then at the end you can see Nancy Guthrie, her husband, and her son holding pictures of Hope and Gabriel. I hope you will enjoy watching it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S70gwFcSK9k

Thursday, January 31, 2008 10:50 AM CST

Today was the first day I dropped the kids off at school and thought, "Now what do I do?" I had no idea. I have been spending too much money so I didn't want to go shopping (besides Richard took the last of my cash last night to take the kids out for ice-cream). I had no where I had to be...so I went to the cemetery. It was snowing so everything was covered in white. I hardly ever cry there. It seems to calm me. I think because I see that Anna is not the only one who has ever died. In the cemetery everyone is dead! That sounds crazy, but when you walk around that place it is so glaringly obvious that death is a part of life on this earth. Everyone dies. Everyone grieves. It's just part of the deal. The question is are you going to grieve with hope or without it? "We do not want you to....grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope." (1 Thess.4:13)

Wednesday, January 30, 2008 1:40 PM CST

Excerpts from my journals regarding hope:

January 23, 2008
What can I pray for? All I want is for Anna to come back and I can't hope for that. "It is finished." I fought for so long that it's hard to not be able to keep fighting...I must change my hope from healing to eternal life. Lord, help me have a new hope, renewed hope.

February 2, 2006
My hope should not come from Anna's condition or tests or doctors. I should "dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ends!...Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!'" (Lam.3:21-24)

Today
"Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you." (Psalm 25:5)

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 1:22 PM CST

"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." (Rev. 7:17)

What a great day that will be---no more tears! They seem to come so easily these days. Today it was at the vets, but I've cried at Hideaway Pizza, Target, and the gynecologist's office just to name a few. (The doctor offered me some anti-depressants, but I politely declined.) People always apologize for making me cry. I tell them not to worry, that it happens all the time. I think it must be good to let those tears out. It's certainly better than holding them in.
Here's what Nancy Guthrie said about tears in her book.

"Ours is not a culture that is comfortable with sadness. Sadness is awkward. It is unsettling....It comes out in tears, and we don't know quite what to do with those.
So many people are afraid to bring up my loss. They don't want to upset me. But my tears are the only way I have to release the deep sorrow I feel.....
Our culture wants to put the Band-Aid of heaven on the hurt of losing someone we love. Sometimes it seems like the people around us think that because we know the one we love is in heaven, we shouldn't be sad. But they don't understand how far away heaven feels, and how long the future seems as we see before us the years we have to spend on this earth before we see the one we love again." (pp10-11, "Holding on to Hope")

Monday, January 28, 2008 8:20 AM CST

No thoughtful words from me today. My thoughts are a mix of what to fix for dinner, feeling overwhelmed by the huge amount of laundry on a Monday, what to do about the dog's bladder problems, how to help our friend in the hospital, and praying for the worker who was kidnapped in Afghanistan. I was however looking back through the book, "Holding on to Hope" and found something to share with you.

"I have come to the place where I believe a yearning for heaven is one of the purposes and one of the privileges of suffering and of losing someone you love....We tend to think this life on earth is all there is...God wants us to live with an eternal perspective...I did not want to lose (Anna). I would have liked to watch her grow. I would have liked to have known her as an adult....But I also know that this life is filled with pain, and I don't believe it is a tragedy that (Anna) had the opportunity to be spared from the evil and pain of this life and instead be in the presence of God. That is what I believe. It is not necessarily how I FEEL. But my belief does make a difference in how I feel....The only real tragedy is a life that ends without the hope of eternal life in the presence of God...Would you recognize that often what FEELS like a tragedy, is not, in reality and in light of eternity a tragedy?"

(Nancy Guthrie writing about the loss of her daughter Hope)

Saturday, January 26, 2008 2:54 PM CST

"What you have in your Shepherd is greater than what you don't have in life."
(Max Lucado)

We continue to navigate this new world of grief. Today we toured "The Kids Place". It was started after the OKC bombing to help kids deal with the loss of a loved one. The kids will have their own groups while the adults meet together every other week. I was doing fine during the orientation, but almost lost it when the director said, "And now I will show you Anna's playhouse." It is a little house built in memory of another Anna. My first thought was, "Anna would love this little house." Then I realized that if Anna were alive, we wouldn't be there!

We enjoyed the Global Impact Conference at our church last night. Richard kept saying that it feels like we are waking up from a dream (often more like a nightmare, I think). We realized that all sorts of things have been going on that we weren't aware of during the past 3 years.

Friday, January 25, 2008 8:08 AM CST

Some of you are checking today and saying, "I hope today's post is funnier than yesterdays!" Some of you really seem to want to know what grief is like so that you can relate to me or to others. So knowing I can only please some of the people some of the time, I will continue to share my new-found knowledge of the grief process.

I have been getting daily emails from GriefShare (thank you to those of you who recommended I check out their website.) I found the one from day 10 particularly interesting.

"One reason grief disrupts so many aspects of your life is because your loss is not one isolated loss. You will miss so many qualities and facets of the person you lost that each will become an opportunity to experience grief.

The range of things you need to grieve for may surprise you. Identify your losses and be prepared to grieve for each one."

They went on with a list of losses that obviously had to do with losing a spouse, so I made my own list of losses.

I didn't just lose my daughter. I lost,
* my companion during the day
* my pride and joy (one of them anyway)
* my job
* my identity
* a person who loved me more than anyone else
* someone who needed me for their most basic physical needs as well as their emotional needs
* someone to take care of (no one else in our family needs me to take them to the bathroom)
* my "perfect" family
* our "entertainer"
* someone to read to and a reason to watch Sponge Bob all day
* my complete "set" of 2 boys and 2 girls
* a sister for Audra
* attention
* my future with Anna
* my baby

"Your list will go on and on. Say your losses out loud to God; speak until you run out of words to say. He knows your deepest needs, and He alone can provide. Do not skip this step.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:19).

O God, I have lost so much. Who will fill these gaping holes within me? You, Lord—yes, You. Amen"

Thursday, January 24, 2008 9:39 AM CST

I found this article on my "virtual" friend Mary's website. I have condensed it a bit. Although I am seeking to not "grieve as one who has no hope", the feelings described in these words are fairly accurate.

The Gap

Michael Crenlinsten

The gap between those who have lost children and those who have not is profoundly difficult to bridge. No one, whose children are well and intact can be expected to understand what parents who have lost children have absorbed and what they bear...

Our friends will change through this. There is no avoiding it. We grieve for our children, in part, through talking about them and our feelings for having lost them. Some go there with us, others cannot and through their denial add a further measure, however unwittingly, to an already heavy burden. Assuming that we may be feeling "better" six months later is simply "to not get it." .... And yet, somehow there are those, each in their own fashion, who have found a way to reach us and stay, to our comfort. They have understood, again each in their own way, that our children remain our children through our memory of them. Their memory is sustained through speaking about them and our feelings about their death. Deny this and you deny their life...

We recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are painful and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that accompanies us, sometimes from moment to moment. .... Were we to act out our true feelings we would be impossible to be with. We resent having to act normal, yet we dare not do otherwise. .... We know we will have recovered when, as we have read, it is no longer painful to be normal. We do not know who we will be at that point or who will still be with us.

We have read that the gap is so difficult that, often, bereaved parents must attempt to reach out to friends and relatives or risk losing them. This is our attempt. For those untarnished by such events, who wish to know in some way what they, thankfully, do not know, read this. It may provide a window that is helpful for both sides of the gap.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008 8:10 AM CST

Many of you never knew us before Anna's diagnosis. I thought I would give you a glimpse of our life in 2004 B.C. (Before Cancer). This was our Christmas letter that year.

The Salamys’ Top Ten Things To Be Thankful For In 2004
1. We have finally left the diaper bag stage after 8 1/2 years and have entered the “plastic-bag-with-a-change-of-clothing” stage.
2. Jacob won third place in his first Cub Scout Pinewood Derby—continuing the winning tradition started by his dad in 1976.
3. We survived two trips to Branson as a family, first to Stonecroft Family Camp and then for a fall break getaway.
4. Jacob was the first runner up in the school spelling bee.
5. Audra retired from ballet after her first recital and is now pursuing gymnastics. (At least until she decides to be a dancer again.)
6. Will and Anna also had a great first year of gymnastics.
7. Marlo is now able to blink and chew again after an episode of Bell’s Palsy. We really appreciated the support and prayers of our friends and families during a pretty stressful time for all of us.
8. We got a new roof after a tornado damaged our old one.
9. We enjoyed many fun evenings at the Oklahoma Redhawks ballpark, including a run around the bases, a tour of the ballpark, and rolling in the grass in the outfield kids’ area.
10. Richard continues to teach the same Sunday School class, although the name has been changed from “Young Marrieds” to “Young Families” to “Who Are We Kidding?”
Most of all, we thank our Lord Jesus Christ for giving us another year together.
Many Blessings and Merry Christmas!
Richard, Marlo, Jacob, Audra, Will, Anna, and Asta (our dog)

What we want to be when we grow up…
An exotic pet store owner…Jacob (age 8)
A veterinarian mom…Audra (age 5)
A pirate…Will (age 4)
A dinosaur…Anna (age 2)
A travel agent, administrator, chef, social director, health care provider, personal shopper, special events planner, chauffeur, teacher,
and zoo keeper…Marlo (Ageless)
Spiderman…Richard (Age 38)

Monday, January 21, 2008 9:22 PM CST

I was cleaning out my documents and I found this note that I wrote the kids on Mother's Day 2006.

I love you Jacob.
You were first in my heart. You made my dream of being a mom a reality. I tried the hardest and worried the most over you. We spent three years just you and me. You were my constant companion. Those were good days.

I love you Audra.
You were the daughter I had always wanted. When I woke up and they said, “It’s a girl!” I was so surprised and happy. When you came we were living in Cyprus. You slept in a little basket and we took you to the beach. Those were great days.

I love you Will.
I have thanked God for you every day of your life. You have brought such joy to our home with your happy heart and your loving spirit. When you came I could fit all of my kids in the bathtub at the same time. Those were wonderful days.

I love you Anna.
You were the last. You completed our set of two boys and two girls. Before you were born we gave you to God and entrusted you to his care. When you came you were loved by your big family. Those were happy days.

I love you forever.
This year has been hard. I have had to trust God to care for you when I haven’t been able to. He has provided for you beyond what I could ask or imagine. I have learned this year that life is a gift. Don’t waste it. These are precious days.

Monday, January 21, 2008 7:39 AM CST

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me." (Psalm 138:8)

The Lord has fulfilled his purpose for Anna. I don't have to understand. I don't have to know what his purpose was. I CAN trust that his word is true and that his purpose was (and is being) fulfilled.

We had a great time Saturday night. There was a lot of laughter as the grown-ups played tennis and boxing on the Wii. (We could have been in a commercial!) Sometimes when it is just our family at home, things seem a little too quiet. (Yes, even with three kids!) Anna was a very STRONG presence in our home. When we have people over, the void is filled with laughter and fellowship. Oh, it doesn't make us forget about Anna. Reminders of her are everywhere. But her absence shouldn't keep us from enjoying what we have---it often does, but it shouldn't.

Saturday, January 19, 2008 5:04 PM CST

Thank you for letting me know you like the pictures. Please join me as I go back through some of my favorites.
The other day I was reading a book called "Holding on to Hope" by Nancy Guthrie. When I read the chapter on Submission I started crying--not just from sadness, but also from being comforted. I was so touched by what she said because it was so similar to some of my thoughts. I got up and emailed the author to tell her thank you for sharing her story. A few minutes later she emailed me back! I would encourage all you grieving moms to read Nancy's story of heartbreak and hope.
Today was a normal Saturday with three basketball games. Tonight I am having people over for dinner for the first time in a long time and it feels good, but exhausting (everything that requires effort seems exhausting).
A mom around the corner died of cancer this week. I'm wondering how to help (just like so many people have wanted to help me.) I want to do something, but don't know what to do because no matter what anyone does, a broken heart just hurts.

Friday, January 18, 2008 1:55 PM CST

From my journal 1/18/07

"I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me." (Psalm 16:8)

"As good as life on earth can be at times, clinging to this ride is like refusing to get off the barge that takes you from the parking lot to the gates of Disneyworld." (Beth Moore)

I remember discussing that last statement with Anna, Audra, and Will. It was very easy for them to understand. I said, "Remember how you loved that boat ride? What if we decided that we didn't want to get off and we just kept riding that boat back and forth all day. Think what we would have missed!"

I am happy for Anna that she is someplace even better than Disneyworld, but that thought doesn't make her absence any easier to bear. This week I had to look at my medical chart while waiting to see the doctor and cross out "4" living children and write in "3". Later while cleaning out a junk drawer I found Anna's medic alert bracelet (that she never wore). I had to call and cancel the account and then answer the question, "Why are you canceling your account?" Then that same day in the mail we got a statement for our vacation this summer. I had to call and ask them to change our bill since Anna wouldn't be coming this year. All hard things. All part of adjusting.

Today would be Paul Saxon's 7th birthday. Pray for his parents as they try to celebrate his life even while mourning his death.

Thursday, January 17, 2008 8:22 AM CST

"God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matt 5:4)

I went to the cemetery yesterday. I don't go there to "see" Anna. I know she is not there. I go there to help my mind grasp two thoughts that I struggle with,
1) She lived. It was not a dream. She was really here.
and,
2) She's gone. I am not going to see her again on this earth.
The mind is a funny thing. It resists believing things that it doesn't want to accept. I can choose to avoid reality and busy myself with distractions, or I can face my feelings and allow God to teach me His truth.

Funny story----Last Sunday someone gave me a t-shirt that says, "Someone in Heaven Loves Me." I wasn't sure how to respond. I just said "Thank you" and stuffed it back in the bag. During the worship service I started LAUGHING. I leaned over to Richard and showed him the shirt and said, "My daughter went to heaven and all I got was this t-shirt!"
Praise God for a sense of humor :-)

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 8:07 AM CST

I have been reading through my journal from last year so I can review the verses that were meaningful to me then.
On this day in 2007 I wrote down a prayer that I heard Anna say,
"Lord, help me not to be afraid of going to live in heaven with Jesus."

She also made this comment to Richard,
"I think there will be lots of kids to play with in heaven in the big playroom. I hope it has the Sponge Bob channel."

I also wrote down Psalm 27:11 which says, "Teach me how to live, O Lord."
Underneath that I wrote the three ways God had taught me to live,
1. Trust God today.
2. Do not worry about tomorrow.
3. Be thankful.

It is one year later and I am still trying to live that way. Number 2 has gotten a lot easier. Once you have faced death, there isn't a lot else that's worth worrying about. I think I would probably have to add a number 4. Rejoice in the Lord always or Be joyful---something like that. That would definitely give me something to work on this year!

(I posted new photos on the photo page. Many of you never saw what Anna looked like with hair.)

Tuesday, January 15, 2008 1:34 PM CST

I had lunch with another mom today whose daughter died four years ago. We were quite a pair--crying off and on for over an hour. (She started it!) Basically what I've learned from books and talking to people is that the pain never goes away, but you learn to live with it. Isn't that depressing! I guess that fits with the analogy that losing your child is like losing a limb. You can never get back the missing part, but you learn to function without it. This particular mom has been able pick herself up and use her experience to help others. You see I had lunch with Ally's mom. She helped us several times over the past year---a new bike for Will, a birthday cake for Anna, a mortgage payment, medicine, and then flowers for the funeral. Thank you Ally's House!
Thank you Linda. It's your turn to buy lunch next time!

Monday, January 14, 2008 9:34 AM CST

This past summer Richard made me a CD of songs that had encouraged him this year. I was listening to it again this week and really liked the lyrics of this song.
Here's what Richard wrote about it,

"Whenever I hear this song, I can't help but imagine dancing around, tearing up all the lab reports, chemo protocols, insurance bills, 'explanations of benefits' and everything else documenting Anna's battle and turning them all into a 'ticker tape parade'".

They all fall
Like a million raindrops
Falling from a blue sky
Kissing your cares goodbye
They all fall
Like a million pieces
A tickertape parade high
AND NOW YOU'RE FREE TO FLY

Carryin' a millstone malaise
It's been pulling down your gaze
You pound the pavement
It don't give or care
This weight ain't yours to bear

Why you holdin' grudges in old jars?
Why you wanna show off all your scars?
What's it gonna take to lay a few burdens down?
It's a beautiful sound

When they all fall
Like a million raindrops
Falling from a blue sky
Kissing your cares goodbye
They all fall
Like a million pieces
A ticker tape parade high
And now you're free to fly

When that muffled sigh
Says you're barely getting by
Cut your burdens loose and just simplify
Simplify

This is not your floor
You're going higher than before
Drop the weight now
Wait for the lookout guide
Look outside

As they all fall
Like a million raindrops
Falling from a blue sky
Kissing your cares goodbye
They all fall
Like a million pieces
A ticker tape parade high
Now you're free to fly

You've gotta lay that burden down
You're gonna lay that burden down
It's time to leave your burdens in a pyre
Set a bonfire

'Cause when you lay your burdens down
When you lay your burdens down
When you drop them burdens
What a free-fall
What a thrill
Bury them all
In a landfill

(Million Pieces, Newsboys)

Saturday, January 12, 2008 8:54 AM CST

I bought a new nightgown before Christmas. I know you are not supposed to buy yourself anything before Christmas, but it was on sale. I have been wearing it for a month now. Two nights ago I was brushing my teeth and looked at myself in the mirror and for the first time I actually saw what was on my nightgown----butterflies! It is covered in butterflies. I just thought they were flowers and I guess I had never really looked at the design. It made me smile. Then it made me think. How many other "blessings" am I missing each day because I don't really look for them?

Yesterday morning I was having a bad day. I finally cried out, "Lord, nothing is helping today!" A few minutes later I turned on the radio and started listening to Charles Stanley. He was telling a story about one time when he had been at the "end of his rope" and cried out to God. God's response was "Aren't I enough?"

Yes Lord. I hear you. Fill me up. Be enough.

Later I was cleaning the office and I turned on the radio again. It was the sermon EV Hill preached at his wife's funeral. He told about how when the doctors told him there was nothing more they could do, God said, "Trust me." Those were the EXACT words I had written in my journal from Mark chapter 5 just a few days before Anna was diagnosed. I clung to those words in the hope that they meant healing. But as EV said, God didn't say he would heal her. He just said "Trust me". Of course if you have ever heard EV preach you know that he said it very loud and over and over. "Trust me. Trust me! Trust ME!"

Yes, Lord. Your message to me hasn't changed in 3 years. I will trust you.

Then I was talking to Richard on the phone and he was telling me about a book he wanted to get me written by a woman who had lost two children. He had seen it on the web, but couldn't remember the author's name. At 4:30 one of his co-workers came into his office and handed him that same book and said, "I've had this to give to you for three weeks. I thought it looked like a good book."

Yes, there are tears every day, but there are blessings (and butterflies) every day too.

Thursday, January 10, 2008 2:57 PM CST

I find it odd that I still seem surprised by Anna's death. I prepared myself for over two years. I knew it was coming. I planned the funeral ahead of time. But you know when the time came, I was surprised that she actually died. I'm still surprised. Maybe this is what they call "shock". It is somehow not "real" to me yet. How can this be? I don't know, but if you have been here, you know what I am talking about.

There have been a few moments this week that were harder than others. Like when we took our friends to Incredible Pizza and one of the managers saw me and asked if Anna was with us. I hadn't actually had to tell anyone face-to-face that she had died. I managed to do so with a minimum of tears while balancing several drinks in my hands. Quite an accomplishment I think.

Then in Sunday School the teacher asked for everyone to go around the room and introduce themselves. People said their names and how many kids they have and their ages. By the time it was our turn, I knew better than to open my mouth so I just sat there and let Richard handle it. I never realized how often we are defined by our offspring. Is that really who I am?

Today I went with Richard to a business seminar in Weatherford. Yes, I am finally free to travel. After he spoke, we were invited out to lunch with some of the group. My first thought was "No way." I didn't want to sit with a bunch of strangers who I was sure would ask me about how many kids I had. I went anyway and no one seemed to care about that. I was surprised that I could actually hold my own in conversations about presidential primaries and the nursing shortage.

I've had other hard things to do this week like wash the blanket on my bed. We were given a new blanket for Christmas so I finally took the old one off and washed it. I feel like I am "washing" Anna off of everything. Ditto for the bathroom rugs and the fuzzy toilet seat covers. Did you ever think that spring cleaning could be so emotional? I spent 5 minutes debating whether or not I should throw away a pink bucket and a bottle of shampoo from the hospital. I finally decided that there were better "keepsakes" than those and that somethings HAD to go.

Thank you for letting me know about your healing and for listening to me ramble about mine.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008 4:56 PM CST

I have been surprised by the way my last post has touched some people. I couldn't think of anything to write about yesterday so I put something on there that I wrote several weeks ago. I sent it to two of my friends who had lost their children and they didn't seem too impressed. Of course at that point, who was I to be giving them advice on healing. I guess I have now earned the right to be heard.
I have more to say (of course) but I have two children breathing down my neck waiting to use the computer. I guess I need to take my turn while they are at school :-)

Tuesday, January 8, 2008 8:35 AM CST

I knew everything there was to know about raising kids....before I had kids. I wrote the following notes about healing two months ago....before I was wounded. I still think the words are true, but it is easier "said" than "done".

Healing

Have you ever seen a gaping wound? I have. It’s not pretty. When you have a wound like that you may try to stitch it up so that it looks better on the outside. But if there is any infection or if the skin is too fragile, the wound will eventually burst open again. After this happens the wound has to heal “from the inside out”. I have watched this process in my daughter. Her wound was deep, the skin was fragile, and there was a possible infection. It burst open. Every few days we had to clean out the “gunk”. It didn’t feel good, but it was necessary. Next we applied a healing ointment to prevent further infection and to aid in the healing process. Then we covered the wound with a bandage to protect it. We kept doing this over and over and gradually the healing took place. I have been told that the scar from this type of healing is much larger than it would have been if the stitches had held. Scars do not bother me anymore.
Think about the gaping wound that you have. Maybe you have tried getting dressed, putting on your makeup, going out into the world and acting like you are okay. You are stitched up on the outside. But inside your wound will fester until it infects your entire body. You cannot heal from the outside. You have to heal from the inside out. Your healing has to start from your heart, your faith, your thoughts, your feelings-----deep inside. Every few days (even every day) you have to clean out the anger, bitterness, and jealousy that can rot your bones. This is not pleasant, but it is essential. Talk to someone, write it down, pray, get it out. Without getting rid of the yucky stuff that keeps coming to the surface, your wound will take longer to heal, or even get worse. After you have cleaned it out, apply the healing balm of God’s word, the encouragement of a friend, praise music, comforting someone else---all of those things aid in the healing process. Next, cover your wound with a bandage. You don’t have to show everyone the yucky stuff, but they need to know that you are wounded. They need to know that you are hurting and that they need to treat you gently. (Maybe this is why people used to wear black to indicate that they were in mourning.)
Healing takes time. Sometimes lots of time. For a while it may even look like the wound is getting worse, not better. Keep going. In time you will be able to see evidence of the healing process taking place. Gradually there will be less and less “gunk” to clean out. Gradually the wound will be less and less deep. Someday it will close up and be healed, but it will leave a large scar. The scar will remind you of your loss. It will remind you of your pain. But you will be whole again.
Remember that Jesus has scars too.

Sunday, January 6, 2008 8:51 PM CST

A friend told me about a conversation she had with a widower at our church. He told her that the first year after his wife's death he was numb. The second year was bad, and the third year was better. Did you hear that? YEARS! Not weeks or months. Years scare me. How can I face years of grief?
And so I look back. My mind drifts to the past and I long to go there. I wrote yesterday about "crossing over" to a new land, but the problem is I don't WANT to cross over. I want to go back to the way things were. But I have found that the trouble with dwelling on the past is that it doesn't bring me any closer to Anna. The past---the joys, the sorrows, the regrets---is over. I can't change it and I can't go there. Today as I pondered these things I realized that the way to Anna is forward, not back. Each day is one day closer to seeing her again. I must press on.

Saturday, January 5, 2008 6:39 PM CST

"The land you are crossing the Jordan to take possession of is a land of mountains and valleys that drinks rain from heaven. It is the land the Lord your God cares for; the eyes of the Lord your God are continually on it from the beginning of the year to its end."
"For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land---a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing....When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you."
(Deuteronomy 11:11-12, 8:7-10)

To go to the new land I have to cross the river Jordan. I have to "leave my past in my behind." I have to be willing to let go of what was and face a new future, a new land---a good land--a land where I will be refreshed by springs and lack nothing. A land where I will praise God for what he has given me. A land of mountains AND valleys that the Lord cares for from the beginning of the year to the end.
Lord, I give you this new year. Help me to cross over and take possession of what you are giving me.

(excerpts from my journal on 1/1/08)

Friday, January 4, 2008 6:49 PM CST

We had a great visit with our friends. We talked about Anna and Paul almost non-stop. It didn't make us sad (we're already sad), and it felt good to give voice to our thoughts. I'm sure it was somehow therapeutic, but so much at one time was emotionally exhausting. When they left, I was ready to go back to bed, but since it was 10am I didn't have that option. Tonight though, I already have my pj's on, ready to chill out and watch a movie.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008 1:43 PM CST

We enjoyed spending the first day of the new year with friends and family.
Today I am busy getting ready for a visit from our "virtual" friends from Waco. We knew Terrill at Baylor, but were only reconnected a couple of years ago by mutual friends who knew we both had a child with cancer. We are looking forward to spending time with another family going through the "grief process". I'm not sure if the kids will appreciate being around someone else who knows what they have been through, but I know I will.
Richard has lost his voice so hopefully he will get it back in time for our visit.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008 8:40 AM CST

"Let us claim our inheritance in these coming days, and find the hardest places of life's experiences God's greatest opportunities and faiths mightiest challenge."
"We cannot tell what loss and sorrow and trial are doing. Trust only. The Father comes near to take our hand and lead us on our way today. It shall be a good, a blessed new year!"

Mrs. Charles E. Cowman c.1925 (missionary to Japan and China who nursed her dying husband for six years)

Click here to go back to the main page.

Click here to view older journal entries.