History

Thursday, January 8, 2009 7:58 PM CST

Another Year gone……well it seems impossible that it has been a near full four years since my baby left us, but oh how she has blessed us with her sissy’s. I wanted to start the new year out with an update because, as hard as I have tried to convert to myspace/facebook to blog about my baby and her sissy’s, it just isn’t the same as the caring bridge site. There is something about being reminded of her face that makes me feel at home. She brings me inspiration and she brings me a peace that only her and I can fully understand. I have thought a lot over the holidays about life, how quickly it goes how much time steals away from us, and how I can get a grasp on what I want to be remembered for someday. I wonder when I die what will I leave behind, will my daughters carry my love for writing or singing or just plain being silly. Will they someday laugh when they remember me and talk about the little things that don’t seem so significant to me but are to them, and then it hit me…..that is it, when I think of my childhood and my parents and brothers and sister, I don’t remember how we were financially really or really that much about what mom and or dad did for work or their accomplishments. What I remember are the simple things, the everyday little nothings that were special to me or the weekends we spent together playing outside in the lawn going on adventures and seeing how much my parents loved each other. Now obviously, things can happen, divorces can reek havoc on families and do their best to tear each other apart….but it is at our core where we really came from and everything no matter how it turns out started out as happy and good and those very things are what we hold dear. Their was a day when my parents fell in love and wanted to have a family and kids, their was a day when I did the very same thing, and although life throws us curve balls it is in our core to find our way back there. We crave fulfillment and comfort like we crave food when we are hungry. We have to feed our souls like we feed our bodies. That is what is missing these days, that very thing is what we love in our children, their innocence their fresh minds and spirits that if only we could bottle up and protect it . A soul is way more complicated and deep then we could even understand, it comes out in our laugh in our tears, in our smiles and eyes, it is the truth we sometimes have a hard time finding. What we do doesn’t define who we are, what defines us is our souls, that little something inside that stays somewhat hidden, but reveals itself in little tid bits all around us. How else could a child really feel loved, we all make mistakes ,we screw up, we bask in our imperfection. We are human, but we are loved despite all that by our children, they see our true self and love us just the same. Just as we see their pureness they see ours and no matter how many wrinkles, pounds etc get in the way, inside we stay true. All the fabric in the world couldn’t hide our souls. We think to much about today tomorrow and the next five years and forget about all the years and memories previous until someone or something reminds us. Memories are the things that truly define us, they are the things that come trickling out of our mouth out of our emotion. They truly truly make us whole, and nothing can ever match that, what we have learned, what we will pass on for generations in our story, nothing can buy that, no new game station, no ipod, no cars, it is the only thing that sticks like glue to us. Thank God I have that of Haley and all the special people who have come into my life, because although the trip here was brief it was full. I look at life differently because of what I have been through, I see things and feel things stronger then before, but I don't have little Miss Haley Rose here to say sit mom sit......but I do know why she told me that, and the meaning is far more significant then I ever thought it would be. I guess I want to remind everyone or maybe myself that we can't forget to fully and completely FEEL in this life, we can't be so numb and disconnected by the things that get in the way. My new definition for life is this L= Love, I = imagine, V = value, E = Everyone. Ok I am rambling but I love you all and I am not gone so please keep writing.

Thursday, August 14, 2008 9:08 PM CDT

As promised my tribute to Haley Rose for 2008.

My dear Haley, I wish I could see your face and those eyes today, I wish I could hold your hand and look at your pretty fingers with your long nailbeds and imagined them all manicured when you grow up.. I wish I could be bossed around by you today and listen to you tell me to "sit", I wish I could tell you I love you again and see that you love me back. I wish I could feel carefree about life in general as I once did with you. I wish my sweet baby I had many many one more times. I don't know how I will ever feel complete fully without you. When you left me my sweet baby to go only where I have dreamed a part of me went with you, a part that only you had all to yourself. I sat and wondered holding Hannah tonight as she was asleep, how it would feel with you there in my arms again and how much I loved watching you sleep and seeing your beautiful angelic skin just beaming in the dim light. I had so many dreams for you that I had hoped to see you attain and so many moments we would talk about life when you got older, and how we would laugh and cry and hold each other someday. I guess my sweet angel you have truly left me speechless. You entered my life with such strength and beauty and left it just the same. And all that was in between in those few short years left me wondering how I could be so lucky to have created you. Haley I know that I learned so much from you about me mostly....about how much love I could have and give and recieve. How I could feel so full and so special and how those feelings came so simply from you. I learned that we are here for more then just existing and that thier is purpose that is strong and mighty and will bring you to your knees to get you to pay attention to it. How generous a soul can be. Haley Rose you are still my everything, the core of who I am and will forever will be, and nothing, not even the emptiness and vastness between you and me can invade on that and take it away. And how in that space thier is more joy to be had and more purpose to be fullfilled and more lessons to be learned. I Love you my sweet baby..........I love that fact that you were everything I wanted to be in life, how you embodied the right formula of so many important ingredients that were needed to get it just right and Aced the test in only two years. I sometimes wonder sweetie how impressed God must have been and how he just couldn't leave you here to be hurt any longer. He knew that you fought the fight and taught the lesson till we got it.

Haley my perfect sweetheart, I remember all that you missed in your two years and how you never really got to play in the snow and how I read you that pooh book on winter a day before you passed away and in tears explained what I knew you could not ever experience. I just wished my baby I could have been the one to save you and prolong your life with me. I wish I could have made snow that day and let you play in it and laugh and play to the fullest. I know my baby girl I did not tell you where you were going but I knew somehow you knew. I didn't know the words to say other then I love you and will always love you. I hope you know we really tried baby to save you, but ultimately that is what happened but just in a different sense then I had wanted. I try to look ahead and think of that day I will meet you, and remember you for all the things you gave expecting nothing in return. How you embodied the core of what living is supposed to be. I need you still baby girl, and I need to feel you near, I hold onto things that Meant something to you like your real pooh, and blankets and clothes that smell of you, but barely anymore. I find things that make me think of you and keep them somewhere special. I do all these things because I love you and miss you. I watch your videos and cry happy tears and laugh and smile. Everything Haley is symbolic in ways in never was before you. I look for you in my dreams and hope to see your spirit again lingering around me. I really just want you in my arms safe,happy and free of disease, normal. I think of all our times together and all our days of playing and goofing around before we knew. How simple life seemed then. I see you in bits and pieces in your sisters and think about how you must of put God up to it. You knew your mommy couldn't survive without you even in the most minute ways. You knew that my heart ached for you and still does. Haley I miss you terribly my dear, and it is days like tomorrow that bring all my holding back emotion to a hault and allow me some time for just you and I. Like old times. I have a candle going right beside me and it hasn't stopped flickering since I lit it. I guess in is you talking to me, and telling me your side of the story. Telling me to be strong and continue your journey. Honey my life began when I met you, it stired me to life, it gave me what I had been missing and couldn't find, a link that said stay here awhile and learn about what counts. I wondered today what you would say to me your first words to me what would they be when we meet.....I thought long and hard what they might be but then I knew it wouldn't be words at all, it would be action. I long for that day Haley when I can look into your eyes again and see God in them.....I always knew I could, I also remember thinking when looking into them that thier was something more, something greater. Haley don't ever leave my side in spirit, please stay close always, and stay with all of us. You are part of my purpose in this life, my reason for being born and I look forward to what else you all have in store for me, I am sure it will be grand. I love you and miss you today and always.

Love Mommy
Daddy, Sammy, Hannah, Segar, Adison, and Kealy
we all miss you.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008 8:03 PM CDT

You know something, I needed to hear from you all this week.It is Hard to believe it has been four years on Friday since Haley left us and went to her new home. I sometimes still think it is unreal. like I just am a visitor in my own life watching myself from someplace else. I don't know how to better explain the craziness of it all. I cannot believe all that has happened over the last four years, Having Hannah and Samantha and imagining how much Haley Rose would have loved to boss them around too and I am sure she would have loved the heck out of them too.

I have been so busy hanging with the girlies all summer and just soaking up some precious time with them. I think they liked it as well. We had some nice trips and and made even more special memories with them. I wanted you all to know that I have lots of pictures on my facebook and myspace pages. I know I have joined those sites. How great they have been though, I will still maintain Haley's site in the journal side and will update pictures soon but if you would like to join me on the other places as well that way we can all keep in touch with one another more frequently. my myspace is www.myspace/ambernicole. and my facebook not sure but if you search by my name you can find me that way too. I love you all and hope to add you as a friend there as well.

I have many more stories but it is late and I will update more before friday.

Love you all so much Miss you tons.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008 6:54 PM CDT

Well, like I said more updates on a regular basis. As promised here are some hannahland stories from the minchellie homefront. Because it is so fresh in my mind...tonight. Well, as any toddler at age three is, hannah has become quite her own little person, she is now fully potty trained, can count beyond twenty and knows her abc's still working on her math. She also loves to talk like her mother. Well, today she decided that she didn't need a nap, so instead of fighting her I let her go with out one. Well, Daddy came home and Hannah was talking to brother on dad's cell phone and she was not happy that she only got to talk for a minute, so she yelled at dad and ran into her room and tried slamming the door (a scare tactic mommy has used when mad)well in her move she could not get it to slam because mommy has hung a coat hanger on it and it doesn't make a slam noise anymore. Well she opened and shut it about 5 times and got madder and madder at the fact it wasn't doing what she had wanted it to do. Finally, she gave up and was in there forever, I mean forever, Daddy had to leave for a work dinner and then I had to get her to eat a dinner, so when daddy left I said hannah, Hannah, Hannah, no answer, so I went to her room opened the door, and thier was silence.......She was no where to be seen....I looked her her favorite corner, in the closet and then I looked under her own bed (which she still doesn't sleep in by the way) I look under and see her fast asleep......laying like a little angel under her bed.....I was laughing, little miss I don't need a nap, I guess finally wore herself down to nothing and her last tantrum knocked her out. Even in her little evilness she is the cutest little terd. :) She has quite the vivid imagination as well..... she is always pretend playing and she comes up with some whoppers. I think this is a sign of a healthy mind......I hope. As we speak she is signing in the bathroom as she sits on the toilet, this has been a twenty minute event.....HA HA. Pooping takes a while sometimes...:)She was just singing "i need to go poopy and don't you eat it" ok now that is scary.....TOo funny...!
We have so much fun together, she makes me chill out and not take life so seriously. Since Haley I think the hardest thing for me is to accept love and embrace it...I have been afraid of losing those I love dearly and it has been dificult to allow those around me to get to close. Plus I feel as if I have a more hardened look about life. Hannah helps me remember to love and allow myself to be loved. She helps me to have that twinkle factor that I had most of my life. Pray for me to continue to embrace love and not be afraid of it and of losing it. I don't think that this is an odd thing to feel, I think that anyone who has loved unconditionally, without holding back and who gave everything of themselves to one little child and lost her way to early to feel. I think I am not alone. Sometimes we allow even little hurts to change us or make us more cynical, so big ones must prey on us even more. The good news is we aren't alone.... We aren't without chances, chances to re-live, chances to forgive, chances to embrace and be embraced, and chances to live out all the reserve we have in us in those people our lives touch. if I hadn't take one of those chances I wouldn't have met Patrick, had Haley, Hannah and Samantha, I wouldn't have met all of you, and my life and its journey would be much less significant then it is now, thank goodness I listened to life throwing me a chance.

Until next time......Love you all. Thank you for continuing to inspire me and help me to feel loved by all of you. Always Amber

Thursday, May 22, 2008 7:42 AM CDT

I am finally hopefully going to be updating regularly now, I am home full time till fall at least. I decided it made sense for me to stay home, with the price of daycare and gas, my work was costing us money. Anyways, wow what a difference being home. I really did miss out on so much while working. My girls know me better and they realize I am not just thier bathe clothe and feed mommy. Now I can play with them a bit more too.

Last night I fell asleep crying..... Patrick and I were laying there with Hannie in the middle and reflecting on all we had lost with Haley Rose. To think next month on June 28th she would have been six, is so mind boggling. The stranger part of us laying there is as you sit there reflecting and remembering you both find that the words to how you feel just seem to dissapate and you are left there with tears in your eyes weeping to sleep. Sometimes in life thier are just no cures, no words. We had watched American Idol of course and were stunned by the song that George Micheal sang called "praying for time". We pulled it up on Patrick's laptop and re-listened to it again again and found out how truly correct that song is. We get so focused on NOT focusing and you just keep chugging, but really that is the problem....we are too consumed. We struggle to fit in time, time with our spouse, time with our kids(quality time), time with ourselves to renew our mind and spirit, time without TV. It is amazing how much crucial conversation we miss out on and how much our children see us either working on laptops or work realated things and keep seeing us dismiss them or push them off till you are done and then by then whatever important motivation or need they had just is forgotten and then have moved on to someone or something else. When Patrick and I were talking, even in the silence, truth just sits there on your chest heavy and hurting, because it is waiting to be heard and felt, waiting to be healed, waiting for us to take time to let it heal. No matter what healing we need we all need it. Ignoring it only hurts us futher and ignites destruction in other ways. I in that moment realized some very important things once again, how time is crucial to understanding ones self and how much love stirs for your loved ones, and that all anyone needs is to feel embraced. I sometimes forget in my saddness for Haley Rose that I am not alone. Many hurt for her, many long for her, and many will never know her. SO I should feel blessed instead of burdened. But no matter how many people say time is healing, it really is not, it is just an thing people say when they really don't understand and thank God they do not. So in that moment of silence you may be blessed with, take a moment to reflect, rejuvinate, and reuse all that you learned and pay it forward in any small way you can. Because in my moment I realized again, a reminder, that life is a gift.....a gift from God.

More updates to come: Hannahland is at an all time high!!!!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 6:44 PM CST

Alright, I believe this update is now way overdue, so hear it goes. I miss you all so much and recently I have been hearing from you and so in return you get your update. See how nice that works. Well, Hannah is growing so big and is getting so stubborn, her patience is a little thin, so is this normal for an almost three year old. Inheritance could possibly be another reason. She has quite the imagination, I will be sitting there in the chair and she will be coming up with all sorts of imagined scenarios, I listen and it tends to be about me and her or dad and her or she will say NO NO to her Bear, I guess she does hear us when we say NO. HA. She sits there and role plays out her parents characters. She more recently in bed between dad and I of course, (oh yeah we are suckers, she still sleeps between us, since she last got sick, how in the world do you get them back in their beds???)HELP, she was laying there and she had my wuzzy bear, oh yes, I still have a bear I sleep with, my grandma gave it to me when I was really young before she died of cancer, any hoot she takes my bear and her bear and kisses and says you go to sleep and then the other says no you go to sleep and on and on and on till we have to lay the law down. To see her little brain imagining so many cute things and seeing those wheels spinning, well it just is so fulfilling. Anyhow I do enjoy watching her sleep and seeing her beautiful face all peaceful and content. Samantha or as we call her Samantha Smiles, seems to love her mommy ALOT>I have to brag about her because this is the first one that when mommy and daddy are in the same room she goes for me, I secretly love it and have a desire to hold her all the time and squeeze her up so tight.Poor thing,She is so beautiful, I know I said this before about Hannah but Samantha definately has more of a resemblance to her sissy Haley. It is funny how you see one and think that and then you have another and the looks are definitely way different then the one prior. Either way they both have a lot of her in them and that makes me so so happy. Samantha has started cracking up when I kiss her neck, she is ticklish in the same spot as her mommy. Funny how your kids pick up these weird little quirky things we do, like how the heck does a gene like crossing your feet and touching your little toes together pass to three girls, too funny. Patrick and I have been having fun sneaking up on Hannah and listening to her converse with her toys and she is so full of it with the expressions and the whole bit, simply put, a pure joy. But on the other side, she can be a total terd too, a perfect mixture. She has to do everything herself and if you try to do it for her she melts down. She does seem to take after dad in that department. What else, well, we have been busy as I am sure all you have, life keeps us going. I have noticed we go to see Haley less and less, it is harder as time passes I think, you feel so disconnected out there. I am looking forward to planting flowers for her in the spring, Hannah will help me this year. I just still cannot believe she is not here, but then there are those moments when Sam and Han have that look that simply is like Haley coming through them. Thank God for that. Not only that but sometimes I notice them conversing with something that I cannot see, or smiling at someone I cannot see, and I just know deep deep down that that is probably my Haley Rose. Peeking in and saying Hi or talking to them or whatever little thing she does. I just wish I could see her too. So all in all everyone of my little ones impacts me everyday, and makes me feel completely loved and adored. I am so looking forward to seeing them reach each milestone and become my little sprinkles in the world. Spreading their smiles and happiness on others and giving the world that light it so desperately needs. You know sometimes I wonder if we will ever get our world back where it should be back where the roles of mommy, daddy and family were more important then the internet and television and all the other things that take up all that precious time we so need with them. I am hoping for our future a positive change. Look forward to hearing your response on the new pics. Love you all Lots, Amber.

Friday, November 30, 2007 0:01 AM CST

Ok, we do not have the Welch Syndrome. We love them but as you all know Kelly doesn't love this writing thing as much as I do.I am up so I thought this is my opportunity to catch up on all the happenings at the Minchella Houshold lately. We have been very busy with the new baby and with the adorable Hannah. Plus, I ended up having Thanksgiving here, wow that was great but I ended up crying while making my desserts. I had a moment of emotional breakdown. My family was here and here I am crying in my pumpkin brulee. The scenario leading up to it was Patrick watching the baby and he put her to bed,God bless men but they do not have the same patience as us woman,so instead of holding her through a fussy time, he just put her to bed, well she started screaming, and evidently he did not here her right away and by the time I got her she was breathing hard or not at all, you know that cry that babies do when they are mad, well, her breating freaked me out and I had a terrible flashback of Miss Haley Rose near the end, hence the tears and total breakdown. If never fails, a normal moment in the kitchen ends up being some soap opera, even after all this time, thier is still healing to do. So as the holidays fast approch send a prayer our way as another year without our Haley will surely be in our minds and hearts.

On a more upbeat note, picture this, me pumping my boobs, the baby crying and me holding a pacifier in her mouth while trying to hold those darn breast pumps up to my boobs, and Hannah puting some contraption on my head, that is a tiny glimpse in my now reality. HA. Seriously, at that moment I just laughed thinking how Haley must be in heaven busting a gut while watching her little sisters totally controlling me. I also thought of the reason behind the advertising for calgon (calgon take me away)well that even sometimes is an understatement. I love it though, it is different then what I expected in many ways, you know the hallmark commercials in your brain developing the visions of how perfect having my two beautiful daughters will be and how I envisioned me holding them and in my perfect ideal they were not crying or complaining or pulling me this way and that, oh yes a picture out of movie. But the reality is you love them,you love them as they cry,scream,throw a tamtrum,make messes,create havoc in an otherwise quiet moment of reflection,while they defy potty training and nigh nigh bottle weening,while they poop more times then you have diapers,when they cry just as you sit down to eat,while they cry neverending between the hours of 7-9,just when you find yourself sleeping peacefully they decide it is time to eat,all those moments truly are perfect as imperfect as they are. I know all the good times will follow, how that one little smile can somehow manage to unknot all your nerves and relax you and fill you with some kind of love high. I am so in love with all my girls and just as they are thier own individuals so is my love for each. Never ceasing through it all. I find myself fuller now, a little more busy and completely devoted to thier happiness. I have my moments of wishing I could still selfishing indulge in just me,although, I wouldn't trade it for the world. So I have even more to write then I have time, hence the length between updates, but I think of you all so much, and miss your words, so please don't ever not share your thoughts it fuels me to hear them and to know that all my girls are important and Miss Haley is surely not forgotten.We love you all and miss you tons, keep writing and I will to. I am going back to work on Monday so wish me luck the true maddness is about to begin.HA :)Love Amber and Happy Holidays!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007 9:06 AM CDT

OK OK, you guys crack me up. So here is the update. We brought home Miss Samantha Jordon on Wednesday of last week she got to come home with Me, she got her release before me, can you believe that. She is really strong and when we left she weighed 4lbs 1oz and as of her one week check up yesterday she weighed 4lbs, 6oz, yeah!!!!!!! Breast milk is working well. I knew she was gaining weight because when we brought her home she had zero butt cheeks, and now she has little ones. HA. So we want to see all of you now that we are home, we are ready for visitors. Hannah is also having a hard time adjusting to the change in rank. She is starting to play with her baby dolls and when she told it to go to sleep she threw it across the room. YIKES!! A little pint up aggression. So needless to say she won’t be babysitting right away. She is now kissing her sissy and get the warm fuzzies instead of the hard pricklies. She knew something was up when her brothers and sissy came over and instead of running toward Hannah they ran toward the baby and Hannah’s expression was priceless, like HELLO people did you not see me, the she proceeded to fall to ground in a slight tantrum. So I am trying to establish some normalcy and routine back in her schedule so she knows what to expect. I have also learned the lesson of showing love to two instead of just one, that is hard, not that you don’t have enough to give but with zero sleep and engorged breasts, finding the energy is like trying to get permanent marker off your skin. Any ideas would be helpful.

Ok the moment in the hospital when I had both my girls in my arms, it was bittersweet, but due to the lack of nap for Hannah it was a little stressful. The look on her face when she saw her sissy was hysterical though. And I could not believe how big Hannah is compared to her sissy, and to think she was her size two years ago freaks me out. Hannah is so beautiful and has grown up so fast, I cannot even imagine what a five year old Haley would look like. I do know that Haley is around though, I just feel her here sometimes when I have a quiet moment I can just picture her sitting her watching over everyone and smiling with those sparkling eyes thinking about how much love and preciousness she has brought back to us despite losing her. My three sweet beautiful babies. I have been so blessed.

Little Samantha, is cute you can go view her first pics at hospital at www.webnursery.com . You have to put in her birthdate as 9/17 and then our first three letters of last name “Min” then hit search and when you see her name select it and you can see her. I will also be posting some new pics of her and Hannah soon, I am trying to locate my computer cord to download them from my camera. So hang tight. She looks so much like her daddy and we pulled out both baby pics of Hannah and Haley and if she had more meat on her she looks a lot like Haley, more so then Hannah did. Same profile and everything. She is lovey and so sweet and tiny and so far has been the best baby. She does however prefer being wide awake at night. Still working on catching up on z’s. Cannot wait to hear from everyone. Write soon and stay in touch I will say more later.
Love Amber.

Monday, September 17, 2007 8:48 AM CDT

Hello everyone! This is Amber's friend Kristy..once again!! I have WONDERFUL news to report.....we have a new Minchella baby in the world! Samantha Jordan Minchella was born at 6:09 this morning! And JUST like her sister Hannah, little Miss Samantha was a whopping 4 lbs. 4 oz & 17 inches long. Just a little peanut. She was born at Toledo Hospital. Mama & baby are doing fine, she says she is beautiful (of course, with those genes!!!) & looks like Daddy. Amber had a little bit of a rough labor, there was a little problem with the Placenta but of course she made it through like the champ she is. So take a minute & Congratulate this wonderful family. I'm sure pictures will be posted as soon as Amber is feeling up to it. Have a wonderful day everyone!!!

Friday, September 7, 2007 4:14 PM CDT

Well we are early in labor alredy. I will be 35 weeks Monday and am already at 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced and the baby's head is down. So needless to say things will be happening soon as it is not like me to actually make a due date. Haley was born between 35-36 weeks and Hannah was born between 33-34 weeks. So here we go. This afternoon I have been having a lot of stomach cramps and am kind of exhausted. I can't seem to sleep well lately. So I want everyone to pray that the baby be healthy and a little more chuncky then Hannah was. On top of all this Patrick has a training planned for next week for his work for a week and of course I am worried the baby will come while he is gone. He will be in Orlando Fl. YIKES> His company will fly him back if I go into labor but by then I will probably already have had the baby. Once I get going I usually go fast.

I am worried and a little stressed about it. Pray for us and baby and help everything to work out just as it was supposed to. Pretty soon the new Minchellie will be making its entrance to our family's world. Can't wait to meet him or her. I hope to hear from you all soon and i miss your comments and prayers. Love Amber

Monday, August 13, 2007 2:15 PM CDT

Well, needless to say this is a very emotional week. I have been busy but not busy enough to keep my thoughts focused on anything but my precious little angel Haley Rose. Every year I say I cannot believe she is gone and that now I have to write about her in the past instead of the present, and it never seems to get any easier to say. I feel like the last entry was so awful because of all the hurt we all still feel and how raw the emotions still are even three years later. I try to imagine my Haley Rose in heaven and I try to imagine how happy she is and how big and beautiful she has become, but it all boils down to the bitter truth of her absence. Everything I see in Hannah is what I miss in Haley and although Hannie is my lifesaver and my literal saving "GRACE", she is also a reminder of what I have lost. A life, a smile, a hug, and my baby girl. As different as they are in many ways they are also very similar. The same looks the same voice, very similar personalities. I truly melt in it all. I guess you feel like although you lost you gained her back in a way, but no matter how good of a deal I got with my Hannah Grace, I still am not happy about having to give up my little Haley Rose. As I have said the pain doesn't go away it merely just settles and certain things trigger the eruption of emotions and cause you to just want to give up and then in the next moment your heart is healed by the precious purpose of her life and the constant reminder that Hannah needs me so much, as much as Haley did. On top of all this getting closer to my due date for this baby makes me an emotional roller coaster, knowing how close I am to holding two of my babies in my arms at one time overwelms me and the fear that always settles deep within your soul never goes away. Knowing how little control we have over a life is nearly enough to send someone like us to the nutty house. You are so close you can just taste it, holding them close and seeing them meet and look in each others eyes and watch as Hannie gets to know her very own sibling. Seeing her touch the baby and how good that will be for her. And how good that will be for Mommy and Daddy. Hannah has a hard time understanding why her other two brothers and sissy don't stay all the time and why they leave. Having one stay all the time will be comforting and healthy for her. So many wonderful things are about to happen in the midst of such a tragic reminder, it is all so hard to comprehend. You go from being utterly in love with your child to being utterly in love without the ability to show it to them anymore. Imagine having all the love you have for your child and not being able to give it to them. Having so much of you wrapped up in thier very being to having it all just wrapped up inside unable to open it without her permission, because it is for her only. I know all mothers and fathers have told me it is amazing how you find room for more love for another child, I can truly believe that and yet I wonder what you do with that love when that child is taken from you way to early. What do you do with all that love for them. It just waits...it waits for them to come back for it I guess or for me to come give it to her. It is kind of complacent as it doesn't know where to go. That feeling is kind of like how you feel, you are in the middle kind of at a standstill emotionally, and then the Hannah's of the world perk you up and give you hope you so badly want.

So as we face Haley's anniversary of her passing, please pray for us as a family and for our unborn child, that everything will be healthy and that it will be a wonderful transition and addition to our family. They aren't 100% sure that it is a girl but they feel that it is likely. I really feel now that it is. Besides what would I do with a boy, dresses, bows, and dolls, well they don't really work. Either way I am sure it won't matter one little bit, just healthy is more important. I am getting larger by the day, I am going on my 31st week in the pregnancy so as I say to everyone, my days are numbered. I am so excited though more and more each day. I am posting some preggo pics some of you have seen them, some of you have not. We love you so much. Love Amber. Keep writing.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007 10:45 PM CDT

Well, as you know tomarrow Haley Rose would be 5 years old and to think she would be starting kindergarten in the fall is so depressing. My little baby, my precious first born would have been five and so beautiful and full of life now. She would have blossomed so much and it haunts me to think of how much I have missed already and she would only be five. She would have been spreading her wings and going on the school bus and making friends and becoming her own little person. The weird thing you do as a mom of a child that is in heaven is you always invision what they would look like how they would act, you even go as far as wondering what they would say. Unlike other parents these feeling and emotions go unanswered. You never seem to get enough answers. You are always searching for more and more and wanting more and more and never can get it. And yes, Hannah gives me the chance to have that and she helps me make it through this but the love you have for each child as pure and wonderful as it is is different, and is a love for them only and whether thier here or in heaven you always have that love saved in a portion of your heart, so no matter how wonderful the other is and how beautiful and loving, she can't help you to stop loving the other. I guess you could say in ways you never forget and you never move on no matter how long time passes or how everyone else moves on you always linger and wait for more closure. The other hard part about significant days as this you have reocurring flashbacks of her last moments of life, because even though it is not the day she passed away it is the day she was first born, and every year on our birthdays we celebrate life, so you tend to think of the last moments and days and hours of life she had here on this earth. I think of how brave she was and how strong, and how true she was to her little soul even up to the very end. How she maintained her giving ways while she served us tea and m & m's and how she tried to maintain normalness as her body started to shut down, how that last story I read her was so difficult for me and how holding her and kissing her sweet bald head brought me to a point where I began to beg God to take her pain away. But in that next moment how you so badly wanted to selfishly plead for him to zap her into life again and make the ugly cancer dissapper. And as death managed to creep its way over her and she no longer looked like my Haley Rose as her body took its last conquest. A shell that no longer had to walk this beautiful angelic soul around anymore to help save us all from ourselves and to make us see things we never would have taken time to see if she never showed us how. All her significance here melted away to heaven where I imagine God had many more plans for her. Seeing her take that last breath and the sound of silence that followed left you with a feeling of relief and utter gut wrenching grief and pain, as if you soul left with hers. Then to have to hand her little body over the the funeral directors, that was just horrible, putting her body in thier car buckling her in as if she was going for a quick trip in the car and going to return and then knowing that she never will. That was like something I cannot even begin to pin words too. Wrapped up in her favorite blanket with her little pink hat on she wore so many times on her swing, to see all that drive away was crushing. It felt like I was handing my child to strangers. The process of losing a child has so many many levels it peels away at your core and tests your ability to survive in ways you never knew existed, somehow aligning you with some kind of numbness just to allow you to go through all the motions. But the true pain that you feel is like right now as I replay all this out and relive it once again and have that all to familiar gut blow of reality come hanging over you followed by crying out loudly to remind you once again how precious each breath is. In my tears is joy as well, as I know that thier are some people who never have that opportunity to love a child like this or who lose them other ways, or much sooner then even two years and two months. I should be thankful for that. I would give anything to have two more and then two more and on and on. So today everyone remember my baby girl and know that as we replay memories of her, she is up there looking down on us and loving us through today and next and everyday thereafter.

Thanks for listening and being here for me and for Patrick and Hannah. Someday Hannah will know how significant her little life is and how much of a role Haley Rose played in it even without her knowledge. She made us better parents for Hannah, stonger people and so much much more. I cannot wait to tell her about her sissy and know she understands. That will be the best thing I could ever teach her about life. God bless and send your love our way today. Love Amber.

Thursday, June 14, 2007 4:41 PM CDT

Ok way to long overdue, I know. Sorry! I have been very busy so that is good, but I miss you all too. So finally here is your long awaited update. The verdic on the sex of the baby is "A Girl". So I will get to have the chance to see what my two of the three girls look like playing together. That moment is getting closer and closer, My due date still stands as the first part of October. I am getting bigger and bigger but I am enjoying it as this is my last pregnancy.

Today I met a mother of a an angel. She had lost her son at 19 months old to Neuroblastoma and it just broke my heart to see the pain emerge on her face as she recalled those memories that never seem to lose thier vividness. her son would now be around 21 years of age. To think of my Haley Rose nearly five this June 28th and how even as the years pass that birthday will never be forgotten. I just felt something so strong there while her and I were talking and how God put that situation in front of us to remind us and help us, to know that no matter how long ago, a mothers pain is so easily tapped into when we take a moment to reflect. how he placed us there today and to find out how close two mere strangers can be, although I had met her previously and had thought thier was something special there, little did I realize how special. It makes you think how important it is to not hold back the whole truth when asked how many children you have and when it leads to how old and all that, just think if I hadn't said today that I lost my Haley to cancer, that would be one less person to hear of her beauty and strong spirit and to learn how precious and wonderful her little life was in only two years and nearly two months. And for me to know that thier is another person I can connect with who understands my pain and my fears and my deepest most sincere love for my children. What a shame it would have been to the memory of Haley and to her sweet little angel. Sometimes those questions are hard to answer and sometimes those questions give you the opportunity to share and in the process of sharing, heal.

Hannah is growing like a weed but much more beautiful like a flower. She is so loving and sweet, but just the right amount of spunkieness. right now she is taking care of her daddy by wiping the sweat off his face with a napkin. Always thinking of everyone else, what a sweetie. I am so fortunate to be a mommy yet a third time and I cannot wait to meet her and see another beautiful flower blossom. The baby is kicking and reminding me that she is there and probably just as curious to meet me and her big family.
We are getting more and more excited and yet scared, hopefully all will continue to be well and we will be able to get back in the swing of no sleep and many hours of caring. I hope Hannah Grace will be able to handle her nose getting cut off a bit, as she won't be the center of all our attention and love, although I know she will never get less love from us I wonder how strong she will become and how loving she will be with her new sissy. I have had little two year old chit chats with her about it and try to tell her about her sissy and she kisses my tummy and pats it, it is so cute. To say in a word how I feel would be.......precious. Any advice mothers please lend a story or two my way. Oh also we are having trouble with the name, this one is harder for some reason. Let me know any ideas include middle names. I will post some pics as well. Love and miss you all and I promise the next update will not be as long. Love Ya.Amber

Sunday, April 1, 2007 2:48 PM CDT

Well we are having twins!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Got ya back Audrey!! Very Funny. No as far as I know only one is in the oven. Actually, this coming week I have another ultrasound and hopefully the baby will look more human the eggish. I have been filling much better and only have issues with smells of certain things. Hannah has become a great big sissy already by kissing my belly and patting it and saying hello baby. She will be great I just know it. Clothes are getting much more snug and uncomfortable for me but oh well, pretty soon I will look pregnant instead of chunky. HA .

A visit to Hannahland. She is a total goober……..but I love it. She has honed in on all of our weird and goofy traits and made them even more goofy. She has reached an all time high in the emotion stage and has come up with every kind of face to describe them. The other day, we were going to dinner and when we got out of the car , I opened up her door and she had her finger pointed out and on it was a huge booger and she said eeeeewwwwwwwwwww with her lips are perked out followed by a Grossssssssss. I couldn’t have had a prouder mommy moment. What a nut. The really neat thing was not just that she didn’t eat it but that she has somehow without ever meeting her sissy, mirrored her exact response to something gross. It was in a strange was filling, no pun intended. It is in those funny silly moments that you just say, who cares what anyone else thinks and who cares about all the bad in the world, because I am sure moments like these are amount the bazillions and we never hear about them. She also has managed to suck up her noodles in one clean swoop, too cute, seeing her cute tight lippies trying to maneuver those noodles in her mouth was definitely cuter then cute. I also have an athlete, she won’t sit down long enough to relax the girl is constantly going , she has turned our living room and kitchen walking areas into her personal track and runs around and around for several laps without stopping, she loves running, and believe it or not she is super fast. Out in the open I would be chasing dust, at least in the house I can catch her by outsmarting her, little cutie. Speaking of smarts the girl remembers everything, even the small minute sneaky details you hoped she didn’t see, like the hiding of the bubbles, the girl is no dummy. Right now she is cleaning out her drawers for me so she things, I have a pile of shirts on my lap that she is brining me. I guess it is the thought that counts. J So many things are changing in her and she just keeps surprising me everyday.

Please pray for Penelope Jane London and family from NY. They are on their last few days with their sweet baby girl and to hear their words and the many followers praying for them, it amazes me that even in the worst of events, still good lingers. So if you could all drop a line to them it would be nice.

As far as pics are concerned KP , I would have downloaded them by now but our CD drive is broke so I cannot download them at home, I am going to try to download them at work and send them this week, Here is some of her today and also as a baby to see how much she has grown in almost two years on April 23rd. WOW how time flies. Love you and write soon.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007 2:17 PM CST

My Beloved Followers, I am so sorry it has taken me so long to update, for me it is very long. So I am so sorry. A lot has been happening with the trip to Florida and work and finding out we are pregnant………………….YES we are pregnant!!!!!!! Not totally planned but very very thankful. We just found out on the Valentine’s Day of all days. I was hesitant to tell you all this early in the pregnancy, but I couldn’t wait. We think we are about eight weeks or more, we will confirm this next Tuesday as that is the earliest I could get in for exam, I already had all the blood work which confirmed my preggo test findings. So pray very hard for a healthy and easy pregnancy experience. We definitely want it to be healthy, and the easy I wouldn’t mind. Now here is the story of how we found out. The Sunday before last I was sitting on the couch and chilling, and Hannah came up to me and put her hand on my belly and patted it and said BABY! I started laughing like yeah don’t you wish, then I started to get paranoid because when I got back from our trip to Florida, I should have started and hadn’t yet. Panic set in and I thought, oh boy here we go. So in my mind I kept saying, my period is always changing so maybe it is still coming, so when two days passed and I still didn’t start I ran to the store and bought the test and I made sure to get the box with the most possible tests so I could make sure of the turn out. I had taken the first and when I saw the plus sign, I started to sweat and smile and then not smile, because I wanted to be ahead of the game. Then I read the instructions forty times and thought well, there are reasons it could be wrong, drug interactions, underlying health issues, so by test three with still a positive result, I realized I was just running from the truth. I then had Hannah take it to Daddy and Dad set it on the counter didn’t even look at it. Dippy! I picked it up and said did you see this? He immediately went into shock and said he would be in a walker when they graduated, I laughed and said but what a cute old fart you will be. Anyway, needless to say I confirmed everything with the doc and soon I will get to see it and see that is looks healthy. I think when you are not planning it, you always worry about what if I didn’t eat enough or have enough iron so on an so forth. Needless to say, I have had to let control to God and feel confident he will deliver me another healthy happy baby.

We had a great trip and Hannah had fun on the plane and was great! She loved the beach and sand and ended up with more sand in her hair and diaper then in her bucket, little nut. Then she decided mommy didn’t have nearly enough sand in her hair or down her suit, lets just say she hooked me up. All the kids were good and tried their hardest to get along. It was kind of cooler there but we got a couple days at the beach. It was great seeing my dad and step mom.

I have a lot more to update but I don’t want to give to much info in one update so for the next week I will try to update periodically, and I am adding a couple more pics for you till I get the rest developed. Be patient with me, my plate is really full now, YIKES! Love and miss you all keep writing. Amber

Saturday, January 13, 2007 9:56 AM CST

Hello everyone! Hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and ate lots, yeah yeah, I know now we pay for it. I am working on that as well, where do you find the time. I have no choice cause on January 31st thru Feb 6th we will be going to visit family in Naples, Florida, with all four kiddos. So the six of us will be having our first big trip and the kiddos will be flying for the first time. We are more than excited, and looking forward to the sun and warmth. My Dad said it is beautiful down there right now, when is it not. HA. The kids are getting more and more excited as the days get closer. Can’t wait to see Miss Hannah running down the white sandy beaches of Florida, screaming and freaking out. So many firsts for me to have. I so wanted Haley to have that experience and to see Hannah will be so amazing and fulfilling. On so many levels. I still worry about her at times and find myself seriously looking at every square inch of her, and then I find her looking at me like what is wrong Mommy, and then I smile and pretend those thoughts didn’t go there. I am so thankful that she is healthy don’t get me wrong, I think that as she gets older now and seeing how she acts I see the differences of healthy vs. not healthy. Hannah doesn’t cry as much as Haley she hardly never has a fever, and she doesn’t get sick very often as her sissy did. So for that I feel peace. Just be sure parents out there that you never let yourself believe everything is fine when in the back of your mind you have question, just make sure, things happen for a reason. I know that we can not be sure enough. Ok enough of that stuff. I wanted to ask all of you to pray and vist a few beautiful sweet children who need us as well. I have been following them and it just breaks my heart. Penelope Jane London, is a little four year old girl who is struggling to live, who has Neuroblastoma and has been through every treatment possible and was diagnosed a week and half after Haley in 2003, visit her website and send your support. www.caringbridge.org/ny/penelope another child is newly diagnosed with Neuroblastoma her name is Marissa Monroe, and she lives in the town I grew up in, please vist these beautiful babies and help them as you continue to help me. Her website is www.caringbridge.org/visit/marissamonroe . Hannah is so cute and loving. I have some adorable pics coming, I have some on film I am getting developed so hang tight. My digital was MIA on Christmas morning so I had to divert to the olden days of film developing. Wow are we spoiled. She got a Little Kitchen for Christmas and all this Melissa and Doug fake food and loves it, she is a little homemaker, wait till you see the pics of her in her apron and chef hate, adorable is not enough. Her hair is so long now and she doesn’t like me to do it, little pistol. So I have to entertain and get her to think about anything but mommy doing her hair, while doing her hair, talk about multi-tasking. HA. She also got a mini basket ball hoop and she is going to play on the court someday, this girl loves it, she can throw and catch the ball like a pro. Her energy level has peaked an all-time high lately. The girl runs everywhere and never wears out. I wish I could do that then finding time for a work out would be much easier. Mommy has been working hard and so is Daddy so we are ready for a vacation. A tan wouldn’t hurt either. I thought I would go and tan a little before going, well I was going for brown not red. So now I will look like I have skin falling off that is always attractive. Oh well, can’t have it all can we. HA. We can’t wait so excited and thrilled to be doing this with the whole family. Pray for a safe flight and trip. I will send pics this week so keep checking. Love you all Amber. Keep writing.

Sunday, December 24, 2006 3:59 PM CST

Merry Christmas everyone! I am sure you all are trying to enjoy the holiday as much as you can with all the chaos and traveling. We decided to not travel this year which has been really kind of relaxing. No rushing is nice sometimes.

Well, I am really looking forward to the New Year this year, I am so excited about little Hannah, she is just so great, full of energy and words, she talks constantly, I have no idea where she gets this from……She talks to her toys she talks to us and she is even repeating sentences now, verbatim. She is truly the JOY I sometimes you forget about after losing a child. They make you live larger, and somehow in their innocent little ways know just what to do to make you feel complete again. To tell you how many times I think of her sissy Haley would be to many to count. On my birthday, Patrick brought me breakfast in bed (I love that man) and then he brought little miss Hannah in and I was so wanting Haley to come running in behind her. It just is those moments when you loss becomes more evident that you somehow find yourself within a moment of losing what you have been trying to gain, everyday you start over again, fighting to hold it together to get through. So many times I have tried to tell you all how I feel and so many times I wonder if I have pinpointed it yet, but I still struggle understanding it myself. I was in Mejer’s today when a sweet young man who was mentally disabled kept talking to me, bless his heart, and he said something that made me have chills, as we entered he kept calling sweet Hannah a princess and as we left he told me “ you have a little ANGEL in your arms there, you are very lucky, Merry Christmas, have a blessed day”. That sweet boy hit the nail on the head. There is something magical about that thought. Isn’t it amazing how one person can touch a soul, so deeply and not even realize the impact of their words. That statement was so true, Haley my sweet baby, you gave me little Hannah to take your place in our home so that we could continue to live and continue this plan God has for us, my sweet Angels Hannah and Haley. To say that I haven’t thought about the magnitude of how my life has been touched by both girls would be an understatement. I just find it unbelievable how right after losing one I was blessed with another one in my womb, I almost wonder if somehow, Haley squeezed herself in there with her, and talked her all the way through the pregnancy and got her primed for her plan in our lives, and sometimes I think she is still in Hannah smiling at us and seeing us through Hannah’s eyes. That thought warms my soul, and makes me feel blessed. I know that Hannah knows her and I think she sees her in our house. I find her looking in that window Haley did before she passed and I look at her eyes and expressions and it is as if Hannah is in a trance and the whole world around her doesn’t exist, but her Angel sissy and her have an exchange of words and waves and then Hannah comes and gives me a kiss, every time I wonder to myself, if only I could see what she does. To see how My Haley is helping and loving My Hannah would be neat beyond words. I am so blessed. I turned 31 this weekend, and I thought what I have conquered in my life, and then I realized how much I have been through, how much everything In my life has been planned out by God and every moment of hardship, every moment of happiness, all intricately planned out. He knew what I needed and he knew how I needed to learn it, and to think about that just freaks me out. We are so small, we have no idea how great of a life we have, and how life as wonderful as it can be, like a switch can turn, and to know that his purpose for us is somewhere in all that. I just hope, that it will be smooth sailing for a while, and we can just sit back for the ride. Well, enough babbling, you all have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year and be safe and enjoy. Love the Minchella’s

Wednesday, November 29, 2006 5:51 PM CST

NEW UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, here I am again, Thank you Katie P for being so diligent in your findings of truly remarkable stuff. I am so glad you left me an author’s name so I may purchase this wonderful piece of work, so way to go girl. Thanks for taking time to look and think about how me and Kelly feel, words leave me.

On another note, after meeting with a special girlfriend over dinner a couple weeks ago and coming home and having a moment to check emails and check websites and catch up on every one else’s life, I came to a very real conclusion of my own life. As I was reading others websites and reading about their grieving and their treatment plans and scan results, I realized how in a way reading about everyone else’s grief or even their plans to save their child’s life, somehow helps me to fill the vacancy I feel about Haley and all by giving me hope of saving another in some cases, or realizing I am not alone in my pain. But the more profound thing I realized is in doing all these seemingly normal things, I realized how much I haven’t grieved and how much pain still is lingering on and hovering over me waiting for the proverbial dark cloud. I have been so wrapped up in helping everyone else, and trying to find the rationality somewhere in my story that I have plum not grieved completely. When I find myself going there I get my inner battle troops in working order and tell them to take over control, so I can function, when in reality I should cry or hurt more or run around in circles, I don’t know how to grieve is what it comes down to. Where do I begin to fully take all this reality stuff in, how do I find time. All life moves around me and I must somehow find a way to follow, but frankly, I don’t have time to heal, time to deal with the suffering my realities bring along with it. I know this so called process is something everyone goes through when they have a loss, and everyone is completely different in their process of grieving . I think the big eye opener is when you finally realize how abnormal you are and that to be normal after a child’s loss is like oil and vinegar, no matter how hard you stir or how much you add of each one, inevitably we are never going to mix with normal again. Our lives have taken on new meaning new direction, you are on a completely different kind of journey. Finding a friend who can grasp that and still hang around makes us effected parents the lucky ones. Thank God for them. I guess losing a child is very much like loving a child, once it happens you can never erase it, it is a page in our personal history book and a part of our being. Forever etched in our souls and those not so distant memories. The power of both to rule your life and your decisions are one in the same, you are impacted fully. I guess I have to somehow figure this all out on my own, keep looking to God for some kind of sign or maybe Haley Rosey can make a trip south to help mommy understand and feel like it is ok, somehow my mending will start to take form and soon I will be able to help those like myself find a way back to living life without a definition, but just living life. Besides, what we have all learned through my daughter and others that this very blink we have is planned out and we have a purpose behind every breath we take, and finding it is the key to our peace. And somehow in the big grand scheme of things every breath and blink will make sense and we will have succeeded in creating something beautiful with our lives. Very similar to a cocoon we all start out the same way pretty much all of us have the same capabilities and through experience and life we find our wings and all learn to fly and show off our colors to the world, and sometimes we don’t always take off smoothly and we have a hard time finding our way, but in the end there is always a beginning again. Beauty in this life takes form in another’s life without us really knowing the impact we had in it all. I feel so blessed in ways to have a second chance at finding my peace with my baby girl Hannah and soaking myself in her every quirk and enjoying all those little things being a first time mom we somehow forget to soak in because we are overwhelmed with the life altering change. It is funny how now I crave indifference when before I fought it. Some control I have let go of and some I hold dear. The love and kisses are felt so much deeper now and I find myself in awe of Hannah’s special spirit and life she so fully embraces. I envy that about her, she is so full of it, and I love it all. As much as I complained before is as much as I chill out now, who cares life is short as we all really understand even more now. My lifeline is still this journal and I would write everyday if I could but my chores catch up with me after work and well, it doesn’t happen. Well, I just miss you all and love you all more then you will every completely understand, your persistence and your consistency really enables me to keep focusing on my purpose, or shall I say Haley Rose’s purpose. I know we are headed face first into the hectic time of year but I hope we all take time to enjoy the annoying relatives and take those memories and store them up for times when their not there to get later in this life. And by all means love and hug indulge in reason for the season and how that very thing is what gives up hope. Love Amber I am posting some new pics of Hannah. Keep posting. May God Bless all of you this Season.

Saturday, November 4, 2006 11:27 AM CST

Hello everyone, I have put some new pics on the photo album so go look. Hannah's platlett count is now 266,000. WOW!!!! IT is such a blessing. Thank you Lord. We have been really hoping and praying that it would be fine and it would just be a blip on the radar screen and go away. So she will not have to have anymore blood work done unless I see signs I saw before.

Well, we have survived another Halloween. It is really amazing to me how easy my parents made this day look with four kids. I was going nutz and didn't have a moment to breathe until about 10pm that night. Between gettin all four kids ready and painting faces and getting their costumes on and having to reapply Hannah's make up three times because she was so fond of her black nose, I was ready for calgon. HA. Actually, it was bittersweet. The outfit that Hannah wore was the very outfit that Haley never got to that fateful night of October 31st 2003. The night she fell and our lives were flipped upside down. If you look at the pics you will see the one with Hannah and I and the symbolism of that picture caused me to move to tears. Haley following her sissy in her own angel wings watching out for her as she run down the sidewalks in her excitement of the night and Haley following along behind her protecting her and watching ever so closely her beautiful sissy. Truly speecheless. I still find myself wondering how all this could have happened and how amazing it would feel to hold both of their hands and be able to protect them both myself. It is truly an irony. I look at Hannah these days and she really melts me in so many ways. She is just becoming more and more beautiful everyday and her personality glimmers like the twinkling of the first star in the night sky. So new and so fresh. She makes my world and the presence of her sissy is so evident within her, it almost feels at times they are one in the same. I have more pics and much more to say, but I will say it later. LOve you and have a wonderful weekend. Love Amber

Monday, October 16, 2006 2:27 PM CDT

Well, October is here now, It is so hard to believe we are already seeing leaves fall and trees looking more and more sparse. Every year that somehow floats on by, just makes me sad, On October 3 we had a scare with Hannah, don’t worry right now we have nothing to worry about we just have to watch her and get her blood drawn weekly, I had noticed some small red spots on her and she had several bruises along her shins, I wasn’t so worried about the bruises because she is a klutz,, but I was worried about all the little red spots, they looked like broken blood vessels. So anyways, as a precaution I cld the doctor and brought her in. The doc thought she might have a blood infection so we did a CBC with Diff, then she cld us the next morning and told us that her platelets were 18K which was really low, they should be between 150K to 400K, It was the Morning of October 3rd and the doc said to take her to Toledo Hospital to the Hemoc/Oncology floor which was very scary for us, We had some of the same nurses and were in the same room we were with Haley and I lost it filling out the paperwork, as you all recall Haley was diagnosed on Nov 3 and we ended up that day on the 5th floor of hemoc, it was fall, Hannah is the same age as Haley was and I guess you could say too many coincidences and mommy and daddy were freaking out. We had to get another CBC with Diff so we did and her platelets jumped to 42K, they told us she probably has ITP which is a in normal terms a immune thrombocytopenia type of disorder. That it can resolve on its own and if not there are drugs and other treatments we can give her. You all can look it up on the internet and read more about it. I worry more then Patrick about other things and why are her platelets so low and blah blah blah. I don’t like having not for sure answers. Anyways Pray they keep coming up. So far she has had two more blood draws and last Monday they were 62K and this Monday they are 94K so the number is rising. In the meantime Hannah is acting great and enjoying her new found intellect. She is very bright and catches on quickly with everything, praise the Lord she didn’t take after me in that department. HA. She is beautiful and beautiful, man is she getting so pretty.

Why is it when you are a little kid how it seems like time is so slow and like a month seems like a year, And we grow up and year feels like month. It is really bizarre. Anyway deep thoughts…..HA. Outside of all that, things have been pretty good at the Minchella household.. Hannah is really fun now and if I could just figure out a way to keep her in my personal sardine can and role back the metal and love her up and somehow keep her little I would. She is blossoming so much and she is so dang smart. She picks up things in a snap and remembers everything. I have some Hannahland stories to report so get yourself comfortable and join me.

#1 Hannahland moment: Where to begin, she is smart, am I repeating myself>I was putting her new sheet on her bed and I took all her toys out and put them on her toy trunk and then made her bed, Hannah was not in the room at this point, anyways I made her bed and put all her cozy blankets on and then I was putting her toys back on and I left some dolls out that she has had in there, you know those TY dollies, I really didn’t pay any attention until the next day when I was picking up her room and noticed they were back in her bed, I just thought Patrick put them back in, As I was remaking her bed I took the toys out again and before I could get the bed made I turned around and saw Hannah putting her dollies back in her crib. I said she must of realized they weren’t in there to play with last night and sometime between us getting home and putting her to bed she must have put them back in there. I found that to be pretty smart and funny. She never ceases to amaze me, little terd.

#2 Hannahland moment: I really don’t know where she picks this stuff up but it is funny. Her hair is getting so long now and mommy still has not gotten it cut professionally anyways, it is so beautiful and shiny and curly, why mess with it. Anyways she has mastered the sexy hair toss. You know when a woman pushes her hair ever so lightly and elegantly out of her eyes and tilts her head up with that I am so beautiful look on her face. Ya know like Julia Roberts did in pretty woman while she was fixing divits at the Rugby game. Remember? Ok just like that except the hot chick was little Hannah with her cute little figure and her chubby little fingers. It is so funny, you all have to see it.

#3 Hannahland moment. I wasn’t ready for potty training yet, but I think Hannah might be, anyways tonight we were playing with her and daddy was coming up the stairs to get Hannah and she ran so fast (this girl can run, future athlete./track star), Well, Patrick told me to look at her, and I look down the hallway and she is in the bathroom standing right next to the toilet and oh yes, pooping. In her diaper of course, but she did not leave the bathroom till her job was done. And she stood by the toilet the whole time. So what do you think, should I potty train her or what? Literally little terd. HA

Well please keep writing and journaling with me, I miss hearing from you all, All this stuff just keep me going on and it also reminds me that this very second we are to live in. Love to you all and keep praying and if any of you have anything on this ITP stuff please send it on. Love Amber, New pics will be coming soon.

Monday, September 18, 2006 5:19 PM CDT

Well, hello everyone, I had to write and tell you to all pray your little hearts out for a 9 year old girl and her family, you can visit their website at www.christithomas.com she also has the same kind of Neuroblastoma as Haley did. When I heard of her I immediately started to read her blog and I have to tell you it is quite eerie how similar her story is, both had the same advanced stage 4 n-myc amplified, the worst case scenario, only little Christie was diagnosed at 5 I believe and has been fighting ever since. To describe my pain for her and her family would be impossible and how reading her page brought both Patrick and I to tears, and we are so mad at this disease for hurting another beautiful child and her family. When I read about how raw they feel about losing her to death, and the stages of and signs of its imminence the hands and fingers get grey and their lips turn purple or white, and in Haley’s case her cute little teeth turned a coppery color and her breaths were fewer and fewer until they were no more, all that horrible stuff, it just brings back all the thoughts and horrors of losing her. I don’t know exactly what to do, I feel moved beyond moved to do something, to stop this disease from hurting anymore lives. Stealing the innocence and wholesome simple side of life and stripping it down to the few strings left that hold up your life. It is not something that is easily mended and it is not something that is ever forgotton. So as I read another life on the verge of going to meet my daughter I cannot help but feel very sad and the memories that I hoped I would forget come rising to the surface with its gut wrenching blows. So all of you who have been there and continue to be there please send some love to this Thomas Team and provide them some glimmer of love and hope in a very hopeless time. PRAY!!!

Each and everyday that I am blessed to have a second chance with Hannah is something that I can hardly not get emotional about. And just when life comes to a NORMAL feeling and you get caught up in the constant chaos and commotion, it takes but one moment to have a quick reality check on how lucky we can be and how simple and wonderful life can be. I remember those days of sitting in the hospital bed with Haley and watching her crystalike eyes and her porcelain complextion as I wonder deep in my mind how many more times I would be able to do that. How many more times I would hear her little voice that was so wise and her soothing smile could heal all the hurts in the world but her own. I remember when the morphine doses increased and when she didn’t wake up anymore, and how we craved for her peace but where torn with the immanent end that drew closer. How did we survive, How did we do it, what transpired within us to create such strength. I still ask myself that very question. I am sure the Thomas’s will too. All I can say is if their weren’t a God and no heaven this all would ruin you but that very hope is one of those strings that I told you earlier we hang by in this life, it is some strong string, unbreakable. Just like Love, it is umbreakable, it carries on even after those loved ones leave us, it lingers in the house, we at the Minchella household find it in our Pringles, our grape jello, and our pepsi, and even in our Hannah. That love carries on through things and places that she touched or was a part of. And although her little blessed soul is not here sitting on her pooh chair or playing with her sissy or bossing us around in body her strong unbreakable love and spirit still linger here, it is instant as you walk in our door, some peace a place where she took her last breath and entered her new life in heaven, it has become more then a home it has become a Haleyland. Love to you all and may God continue to bless and keep you all healthy and happy. Love Amber Keep writing.

Saturday, September 9, 2006 7:32 PM CDT

Finally another update! Yeah! It has been busy as usual with work and all the other events that happen in our lives. Hannah is so much fun and she is little miss inquisitive, she looks at everything and you can just see her little brains wheels spinning and she loves to take things apart and analyze. She loves to dance and shake that little booty of hers and of course she loves music just like her sissy everytime there is a song there is a shaking booty Hannah. And yes of course we are her little puppets doing what she wants when she wants it and she just loves it. Parents can be such suckers sometimes, love as a parent is no different then being in love with someone, you are completely dumbfounded and are in a trance and see no bad only good, blind as bats and dumb as a doorknob. HA We just let our kids suck us right in to their little lands that they rule and become their personal slaves. But what fun it can be sometimes. I have so many flashbacks of Haley Rose with Hannah lately, they really have a lot of similarities in personality and when it happens I know Haley has somehow managed to sneak into to Hannah for a little reminder, that whether or not you see me I am still here. I simply cannot put into words how that makes you feel, for all the joy in the world that Hannah brings, somehow you feel all that sadness of that unfilled chair when it is just the three of us and that seat next to Hannah when the three of us go somewhere, I think about how much of my time that somehow manages to be filled and how it would be filled with Haley Rose as well if she were here. It is kind of like this imagine this : Thanksgiving dinner, you have this beautiful meal, filled with everything your heart desired and you eat it all up to the point where there is no room and you say I will never eat another thing, two or three hours later you are craving to eat again. That little something in your brain reminds you of what you need to survive. That is my constant reminder of Haley, even though Hannah completely fills me up and at times I want for nothing, then there are those moments when that void comes back and Haley enters my thoughts and by soul craves for more of her. A constant reminder of the little things we so desperately desire that our soul needs to survive, you can never be too full. I can never be the same and I will never love Hannah to much and she will just have to understand someday why I love her up so much and why sometimes when I kiss her and smell her those small little things flag a memory of my Haley her sissy and how full that feeling is. Thank God for allowing me another life to hold and love and another chance at being a mother of the most beautiful happy smiley little girl I have ever seen, just wait till you see the snapshot of her tilt head smile, until then see the new pics I posted the other day and I will post some more soon. Can't wait to hear from you all, I miss hearing your stories of your little ones please share soon. Love Amber

Wednesday, August 16, 2006 8:25 AM CDT

Well, we made it through another anniversary date. Thank you all for your kind loving words and your abundant prayers. I felt them. I have to tell you that Hannah Grace with the beautiful face really helped me yesterday. She was in such a good mood and was really sweet and loved Patrick and I both up more than usual, it was like she understood somehow. We started our day by honoring Haley by going to her favorite place to eat Cracker Barral, and had brunch Daddy, Hannah and I. Haley Rose used to just love eating there, and she would just pig out, it was so neat. Then we picked up her many balloons and beautiful flowers up and grabbed some blankets and chairs and headed out to visit with her, Grandma and Uncle Mike joined us and we just sat there talking about Haley and watching Hannah. It was bittersweet this year more then last, Seeing Hannah Kiss Haley's face on her stone and Hannah was playing with her balloons and kissing them. It was so odd yet good. I think it is easy to approach a day like yesterday with so much saddness and I have to say although I shed many a tear and thought about the what if's and beat myself up a bit on if we did everything right and did enough to save her. Deep within my soul I felt Haley, I felt her calm, her strength, her love. As Hannah was kissing her balloons and standing there over Haley's stone, I had chills as she looked like her sissy, and as she stared over at us, it was as though Haley's big blue eyes were staring back at us. We stayed there till after four o' clock and then went home. I then got out the videos and watched from before she was sick to her very last days and just smiled and cried and felt very strange that this had all even happened and we are somehow still here and still alive and surviving. As I watched her swing her fist swing to her last and her fists bites of food to her last, to see it all like a movie unfold again in front of you was unbelievable. The story unfolded again in front of my eyes. Looking back and seeing her when we thought she was so healthy and to now know how sick she was, it just makes me so angry I couldn't have known earlier and saved her. But she did look so healthy. Hannah was laying on the floor watching right along with me and she lay on her belly with her feet crossed so sweet and quiet. I started to cry watching it, I thought to myself this is as close as they will get, this is the only way Hannah will be able to visit with her sissy and get to know her, and then I just fell apart. Hannah turned around and came over to my and looked at me like what is wrong mommy and she climbed up next to me and put her hand on my face and looked at me in an eerily familiar way and gave me a kiss. Hannah is my saving "Grace", I grabbed her so tight and just squeezed her and told her how much I loved her and sniffed and kissed till I couldn't sniff and kiss anymore. Well, I always have room for more. But I kissed and hugged and loved enough for two babies. My two babies. My girls, My little angels. So yes, we made it through. Today is a new day and I look forward to many more wonderful fullfilling years with my Hannah. So thank you and keep writing and I will post some new pics soon. Love Amber

Monday, August 14, 2006 1:47 PM CDT

This days weather is not helping me any.....dreary and cloudy and no spot of sunshine to cheer me up. YUCK. Well, at 4pm Tuesday will be hard and sad as usual. I plan on taking the day off of work and focusing on watching Haley's videos, something about seeing and hearing her voice brings me so much more close to her then memories I have and forever will have. I cannot seem to grieve normally, it seems you get kind of numb, and the emotions that you have stir and struggle to release but I always seem to over power them long enough, and then they take over my whole being and my body ends up in a corner in my closet bawling my eyes out and my gut just aches so much for her touch and to hold her and kiss her, it is terrible but somehow healing. If it weren't for Hannah's sparkling personality and gigantic smile I would have no reason to keep moving on in my life. She is my motivation to feel again to smile again to laugh agian. She inspires so much joy and peace and vitality. She is my constant reminder that I still have a purpose and somehow she is it, she is my purpose. I have to tell you I had her blood work done last week as was required by my doctor for her 15 month check up and I have had the form sitting on my desk for about a month dreading getting it done, scared for the results, scared for all the unknowns. Last week we had it done and she was so brave and handled it like a pro. Saturday morning I got a call from the doc, asking me to call back to get Hannah's blood tests results and the message sent a chill and fear running through my mind, knowing that Haley's anniversary date was just around the corner and that Haley started having problems at 15 months, it just made my gut fall and my heart sink. But I picked up the phone and made the call the doc said she was just fine and her blood tests came back perfect. I took a breath and just said thank you Lord, thank you for sending us good news, and thank you Haley Rose for watching out for your sissy. So talk about stress and heartache, I thought outloud to Patrick and said to him we will always be freaks and a nervous reck about her forever. As Hannah sits there as normal as can be with morning breakfast syrup on her face and behind that was her huge smile. The blessing she has become is untouchable in words. So as we face this two year anniversary with tears in our eyes we face it with hope for renewal and with hope for good health for all of us in the years ahead. So give your babies a kiss today and hug them tightly and sniff thier little smelly heads and thank God for them. A moment can bring about such joy and such love, and appreciation. We could all use a reminder to stay focused and never changed in our love and precious time with our children. Please pray extra hard tonight for beautiful day to honor Haley Rose Minchella, our constant reminder of love, beauty, kindness and strength. May we remind ourselves to find one of those things to bless others. I love you all and stay here with me, no matter how many months years or hours pass I still need you all, I need you all indeed. Love Amber

Wednesday, August 9, 2006 8:18 AM CDT

Hello Everyone, time is ticking away at the clock till the 15th. I am feeling numb, and sad and just mad at times. It seems hard to believe to me all that has happened and as these days tick away to that day, you replay events that led up to that date prior, the biopsy, her last trip to Great Wolf Lodge, her last tea party, her every minute leading up to her last. I as always re-read my journals, and in doing so I was in awe of my own strength through all that. But as I read in tears, and my heart breaking all over again, I realized something very important. That what got me through all that was not my own personal strength but my spiritual strength, something far stronger and far more difficult to maintain everyday in this crazy world. I have been having a difficult time myself maintaining it over these last few years. I am sure my hurt and my pain for losing my daughter has a lot to do with my hot and cold relationship with God. But deep down I yearn for understanding. I yearn for peace in my life. I mean I have this emptiness now that kind of sits there and every now and again it pops out in anger. I want to be a toddler again and run around the house and throw a tantrum or something. I know it is the hurt coming out and I know that my hurt and anger isn’t that bad but I know I have to get my spiritual cloak on again and focus on making it better. As I sit here writing you all this alone in my house this morning, Haley’s and Hannah’s doll house keeps going off, it has this musical thing and it keeps going off. The only way it goes off is by pushing the button. I think I may not be alone here as I suspected. I walked in there and it is so bright in their room and the photos of Haley room show bright and as I was looking at them in everyone Haley is smiling. I guess that was my reminder that even when its hard you smile, you carry on, you get through it. Somehow she managed to do it through all her pain through all her hurdles so why am I not doing the same. Again, Lesson Learned. Needless to say, my goal over this next year is to remain steadfast and keep learning and reading scripture as it helps us make it through. So if you find yourself in a rut like me lets push each other to be the shining star Haley Rose was and focus every thought and make it as good as you can. I have a feeling if we all get on track here we will see a ripple effect throughout our life.

So as we keep pressing on and moving forward to the up coming days, remember Haley Rose think of her and pray that we get back to two years ago in our actions and focus on soaking in life everyday instead of taking a sprinkle every now and then. Lets just remember how much her little life showed us and taught us and how we applied that to our life, I am sure like me all of us have had our time in the valley at times but lets all rise up high on the mountain and get a better brighter view of our surroundings and remember how lucky we are to have this moment , this breath. I know I cannot waste another one, how about you. Haley Rose has once again shed her light from afar, and through all these tears and sadness is hope thanks to Haley Rose for showing us what to keep in mind as we go forward through some very rough days. Love to you all and keep writing. Amber

Friday, July 28, 2006 7:53 PM CDT

Hello Everyone!!!! WOW an update and Pictures, amazing……..Just Kiddin. So how is everyone? Hopefully, you all our enjoying your summers and had a nice fourth of July. We have been busy and nutz as well, and the Hannah is a total and complete nut now 24/7. She has reached that stage now that completely baffles you and makes you laugh hysterically. So here are some Hannahland stories to make you laugh.

Where to begin. Well, as you know kids at this age are very fun to watch and will do things that make you wonder. Hannah has completely and scarily mastered already how to manipulate her mother and father but especially her mother. Over the weekend when I had more then a few hours of time to play with her and hang out and play mommy and daughter, dad was golfing and it was just us girls. Any hoot. Hannah was having her mood swings or shall I call it spoiled rotten swings, and she wanted to be naughty by doing something mommy specifically told her not to do. She decided to keep doing it and then mommy begrudgingly had to be more authoritative and tell her Mommy said NO NO and she got a little minute slap on the hand. Well, you would think the world fell apart and some wicked witch of the west stole her favorite bear or took her red ruby slippers away, her face got all sad and pathetic and she walked up to me and as I looked at her face trying to hold back my smile, because this was one of those moments when you if you could hand your kid an Oscar and say well done my child, even I believed it. I looked at her she was within about two inches from my face crushed and her lips were a full pout and her eyes were half filled with those instant tears she pulled out of her hat and she looked at me and of course I hugged her ……….I know I know I am such a weakling but the girl made me feel just awful so I gave in. Long term I will probably be kicking myself in the hiney and saying I knew I shouldn’t have gave in when she was younger, but oh well, hugs and kisses are better then NO NO’s anyways. Well, her is the kicker about ten minutes or less later she was at her old tricks again and when told NO NO she came up to me within two inches and started to smile the biggest smile and her eyes were all squinty and cute and she was bobbing her head and smiling like she was my instant entertainment to stop and forget about the NO NO’s and concentrate on her act. Deep inside I was applauding her and saying you go girl , but I tried very hard to sustain myself for about second longer then before and hugged and squeezed the dickens out of her. Cute little terd.

I got more but as usual……..I want to keep you hanging a bit, so till next time.

Oh Here are some pics. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, June 19, 2006 8:18 PM CDT

Hello all my dear sweet friends, wow it seems like the time is not going nearly fast enough to get back to home, I have had a very stressful busy week, learning the whole anatomy of the respiratory system and having to have clinical exams and all that stuff, it is like being back in school. I have to say sometimes being away as hard as it is kind of makes you get back perspective on your life and purpose. All this time to think and wonder. I am really looking forward to getting back to hug my little pumpkin and see Patrick. Family is so important and when they are not around it is so sad and lonely. It just seem like all is missing in your world. I have talked to Hannah on the phone and she kisses it and then breathes heavy into it like hoping to reach through and see mommy. I talk to her and daddy tells me that she will go and get my picture and give it to them and then go into the bedroom looking for mommy, it just breaks my heart. And I hear Patrick on the phone and I know that he is having a hard time dealing with it all and trying to shuffle it all by himself. I am a control freak and I just feel like I need to be there in and a part of everything. Well, thanks for you all keeping all of us in your mind and I look forward to hearing about how your summers are coming.

Can you believe we are nearing the end of June already? Speaking of that Haley’s Birthday only days away and she would have been four years old now, that just amazes me that my baby would be that big now. I can only imagine how beautiful she would be and then I think how beautiful she is in heaven as a perfect angel, and I am sure she has put together a tea party and has plans to invite all her favorite angel friends; I can imagine that her and Sydney are having lots of fun, and just to see their beautiful smiles and their illuminated faces would be a moment that would change life from here on out, even the thought brings peace to my soul. I have always wondered what happens after we die and which story of heaven is most close to what it actually is, is it clouds and cotton candy or is it beautiful city full of wonder and serenity or is it what we each individually wanted it to be, Like for me when we went to Colorado after Haley passed away, we went to this horseback ranch somewhere between all the layers of mountains and plains it was what I hope my heaven is. We got on the horses and rode for approx three hours, it was the most healing moment of the whole trip for me, a moment to reflect to just concentrate on all the beauty that surrounded us, it was a moment in my life outside of my girls being born and meeting Patrick that I will never ever forget, riding those horses and seeing their beauty and entrusting them, letting them take me on a journey, we climbed mountains on them and rode them trough the Aspen woods and the leaves had just turned a golden color, and as you rode through the woods through all the curves and winds, you could hear those leaves rustling and it sounded like an applause and the breeze tickled across your face like your were swimming in air, and it just filled your soul with so much promise and truth, it was so quiet and amazingly powerful. It was adventurous feeling like you were in a scene in a movie waiting in with anticipation of the many unknown and unfamiliar surroundings, it was just incredible, I truly felt as if that time while we were on those horses that Haley was with Patrick and I and she was the breeze tickling our face and she was the peace that entered our hearts, she the calm before,during and after the storm. That is my heaven, a moment that I just let go and allowed some kind of spiritual transcending to overcome me and to take place within me and around me. I will be there again one day when I go to heaven and Haley will be riding on that horse with me. I wonder what Haley’s heaven is and what moment in her short little life that she decided would be her heaven.

Hannah from what I hear is more and more and more like Haley everyday, Patrick told me that she does so many things and looks so much like her sissy now and she is doing some things that are really sweet and sad In the same moment, he said that she will look into his eyes now just as Haley did and look like she sees more far more then we could ever reveal to her, this was one of Haley’s signature things that she did, I am sure most of you who were at her funeral remember me speaking of that very thing, she Haley had some beautiful way to look at you in a way that gave you chills and made you feel as if God was somehow behind them. I cannot understand all that God does, and I cannot comprehend all the little things I miss and I cannot think without the glimmers of Haley’s little wonderful beautiful life beckoning me back to more peaceful times. To know that Hannah has so much of her is so intriguing as I wonder if God has supplied us with a piece of Haley in her and is giving us a gift for staying faithful and not veering away from him in times of testing. My daughters are what my life’s purpose is I know that their life is the purpose of my being and that through them I can do more and be more because of the strength and quiet love that they have shown me. I will finish a book in their honor and show the world the power of the smallest giver of love can be the biggest factor in living and finding a way to make even the most impossible things possible. Love to you and keep writing I miss hearing from you all too. Love Amber.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006 9:53 PM CDT

Well, the Hannah is in rare form these days, she is really becoming so full of it. She has started to walk now and yet she still feels like crawling lightening speed because it is what she is used to, but sometimes she will just walk to things and it seems to even surprise herself she always applauds herself when done. She is her own little cheerleader. My dad came to visit from Naples Florida over the holiday weekend and he got to see the Hannah for the fist time, of course she captured his heart like she did all of ours. It was a wonderful visit. We had fun visiting all the family and boiling in the hot humid torturing weather. HA> I don’t remember a Memorial Day so hot. We are glad we have a short week so we can enjoy more time at home and less time traveling.

As you all can imagine, my thoughts are filled daily of my baby angel Haley Rose, just today I was watching Katie Couric’s last day on the today show and they had all her favorite fans on there and this beautiful little girl one the top prize for her favorite fan and she was so sad that Katie was leaving the show that she got all sad in her video, for whatever reason I couldn’t stop crying, tears just came spilling out as all I could think of was Haley, this little girl was about her age and it just really caught me off guard. I know her fourth birthday will be approaching soon on June 28th and I guess all I can think of is what a wonderfully beautiful sweet young lady she would be now, and it just literally bugs me to no end the tug of war of understanding why I cannot see her again here on this earth, why I can’t be able, come this fall to put her on a bus to preschool, why I cannot comb her hair and smell it’s special perfume, why I won’t be able to chit chat with her about endless silly stuff girls talk about, it all just hurts beyond hurt. I look at Hannah and Haley is ever so present in her, and then in that same moment the loss of her is just as evident. It is so bizarre and never ending. I just want to have them both, maybe I am the most selfish person on the face of this earth or maybe I am just normally abnormal, but dang it I don’t care. I guess it all comes down to, I want her back in any form, just her. Well, I guess I needed to vent a bit. Sorry, you all know and understand me by now so this should not surprise you. As you all have tried to understand how it feels to be in my shoes, so have I, everyday I feel something different , some days I am content and unmovable in the knowledge of the spirit of her and her purpose and then some days I could just care less how selfish and insane I feel, control: the meaning to me has changed to this, you can control ignoring emotion, but ultimately you have no control even that second you say, yep this feels good this feels safe, in a heartbeat control falters and allows reality to come into play and then you realize that neither can co exist without the other, control is the illusion of what we don’t want to see or acknowledge It is the removal of truth for even a moment. If we believe hard enough that we have control sooner or later we get lazy and reality catches up with out brain cells. Like today while watching that little girl on the today’s show, a moment of weakness, no a moment of truth. That’s when it hurts the most, that is when this nightmare becomes real all over again.

I wondered today how long it had been since I read my devotions, and then when I couldn’t pin down a date I knew what the answer was , start getting back to it. So I read it. I opened the book and this is what is said, “Look around you and be distressed, Look within you and be depressed, Look to Jesus and be at rest” In my distress I cried unto the Lord and he heard me. Psalm 120: 1. It talked about when in distress call out to God and give him a 911 cry out. Not to hold onto the pain but deliver it to a place that can better understand your pain. And just in that moment of release can be comfort. Just let it go off of your heart, and when you do this shortly after you feel a sense of healing, a sense of understanding and the most complicated incomprehensible things seem less difficult. I can’t say that you won’t fall or stumble like me and find yourself second guessing or just plain ignoring, but in that breakdown moment there is light at the end of the tunnel and through that light there is hope, hope for a day that is better and brighter then today, a day that all things become hole and all the misconceptions are realized. Just think about that one day all the things that make absolutely no sense come together and like a puzzle the real picture is revealed. I cannot wait to see mine.

Well, sorry for the delay in pics but here is an update to keep you hanging in there till I can download and upload and all that jazz in the next few days. Also, just so you can mark your calendars for this one, I am going to training June 12th thru the 22nd in St. Louis yes two whole entire weeks without the Hannah and the Patrick so pray for all of us then it will not be easy. I will be updating daily while I am there to help in dealing with all of that so send me some thoughts and prayers. Love ya all. Amber

Sunday, May 14, 2006 9:56 PM CDT

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you out there. Mother’s Day what a wonderful day to remember what a Mom means to you personally and what you may mean to someone else. It is really amazing how being a Mom gives us perspective on what it was like to have one. What an eye opener. I never realized how important having a Mom is to me until I had my own child and since Haley and Hannah were born I know can see why my Mother instilled in me to pass on to my children. Like everyone says it is a gigantic circle this life, how one event catapults you into the next. I though about Haley today lots, I thought about what she and I might do today and what she might say to me today. Oh dang, those tears are coming again. If only I could have had her longer, if only I could have prepared myself more of what to tell her. I wonder sometimes when I last told her I love her, I wonder if she was coherent enough at the end to understand my love for her, my deep deep love for her. Oh if only I could have both my girlies here. It hurts so much sometimes. Just as strong as I want to be is just as weak as I actually am. I did have a beautiful Hannah to wake up to today. Daddy brought her in and laid her in bed and she woke mommy up with some cuddle love, it was precious and sweet………..followed by a scream for her bottle. Still weaning. She like her sissy has a way of demanding attention. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, at least that is what my mom tells me. I think the hardest part for me as a Mommy is of course the obvious, not having them both here to hang with and enjoy. How do you deal with it, how do you come to some kind of sanity? When I find the answer I will let you know. Thank goodness I don’t have to be weighed in that area because the balance is something I can’t lose. Just when you have a safe base, then reality pulls you an out. Back up to bat. ( thought I would add a seasonal sport in there) Truly though it is hard to not give up wishing.

A lot has happened since Hannah Bananas Birthday Party though, she had so much fun, she was a pistol on the big day, she of course would not take a nap and kept mommy going all day. The funniest part was of course the cake. She didn’t know what quite to do with it, she kind of looked at it and then when she got the ok nod from Mom she went in for a tester taste, just real slow and sweet(literally). I expected her to take a giant leap and she just took baby steps into it. Just like her though, she is all about the analyzing and observing, she takes everything in, She didn’t get that from me, I just dive into everything. The opposite is good, then at least she knows what she is getting herself into. It was adorable. Brought back lots of memories. Haley was the same way on her first birthday. The similarities are so wild sometimes, reincarnation doesn’t seem so unreal sometimes. She is not walking by herself yet, but she will walk with everything else. I bet by the end of next week she will be walking around getting into even more things the little nut. Hannahland has been adorable lately, she is really broadening her skills, she tries everything. Dad was snapping her fingers and before her could finish, yep there is Hannie trying to duplicate his efforts. Too funny. Well, I will write more tomorrow but wanted to drop a quick line to let you all know how much I enjoy your entries and they help me through the healing process everyday I read them. They help inspire me. Keep it up and I will download some new pics tomorrow and drop some more lines. Love Ya. Amber.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006 9:27 PM CDT

Well, wow does a month fly by. Hope you all had a blessed Easter! Next thing ya know Memorial Day will be here. We are really excited to have Hannah’s first Birthday this coming weekend. It truly seems unreal that a year ago at this time I was thinking that my water would break or that my ankles and feet would swell to unrecoverable proportions. I remember how excited and nervous I was about her coming and could not wait to make sure she was ok and kiss and smell her and know that I could hold my own baby again. The feelings were overwhelming and hard to deal with and continue to be. My love for my girls is unbreakable, no distance could break that strong love. I still can’t get my head around all that has happened and find it harder then ever to go visit Miss Haley Rose at her gravesite. It seems so surreal that she is not here with us right now. We go out there and the sadness just lingers and this beautiful stone she lies beneath seems to cold and untouchable. I can’t seem to understand it all. I mean I know what happened and I wish somehow I could undo it all , but the gravity of it all seems like some foreign object I have never seen before and never want to see again. A year ago I was wishing for so much and when Hannah came I got so much more then I ever imagined. I wonder if I am completely insane for still worrying about stuff health wise. It is really hard but in the pit of your soul lingers this little tid bit of worry that pops in and out of your head. The good news is thus far we have been blessed in that area and I intend on continuing that blessedness as we go on into the future. She is so much fun and is so smart. She picks up on things so quickly and I kiss her and love her up all the time, thank the Lord and Haley for that .

We went to Castaway Bay today with all the kiddo’s and it was really fun and draining. Hannah had a wonderful time and she laughed and played in the water and had no fear about diving right in, not literally of course. But I just watched her like crazy today and thought how I wished that Haley could have had more fun like that. Over half her life was in and out of hospitals and on the mend that she did not have a lot of normal kid fun. Today I had little glimmers of Haley in her and I had some flashbacks of Great Wolf Lodge and Haley’s last days of fun, at least here anyways, and it was bittersweet. Hannah lights my world up again and gives me joy and love and helps in the recovery process . She loves me as well and to feel that love from a child of your own again is so fantastical, I mean you have no idea how much it melts my heart every time I drape her little body onto mine for a hug and sniff and kiss, the combination for me is truly a day maker. In that hug kiss and sniff is so much more. Little does Hannah know the extent of her presence in this life for us, I can only imagine what great things she will do and be. But one thing I have learned and is forever pinned in my mind is I have this moment only, only this moment is guaranteed. Beyond that is question and I would much rather enjoy that moment then live in the hopes and dreams of question.

Hannah is having a birthday Party this Saturday April 22 at 1:30pm you are welcome to come and have some cake and give the Hannah a squeeze. Just email me for directions,. Hope you can come. If you do bring a pooh balloon and we will send some up to heaven to let Haley Rose know her sissy wishes she was here on her first birthday. Love to you all and I apologize for the delay in writing. Life Happens. Here are Hannah’s new pics they are so adorable.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 7:48 PM CST

WOW it seems like time flies lately. Well, we have been lucky for weather lately, except just when we start breaking out the spring wear winter sticks us one more time. Dang it. Soon enough. Well, I wanted to wish you all a Happy St. Patricks Day and I wanted to also remind you that this Friday keep the Welch's in your prayers as it is another anniversary for thier beautiful Sydney. I cannot believe it will soon be two years for us either, to think that as long as I had her in my life is as long as she will be gone from my life physically, it seems unfathomable to me. But I know how hard it is so pray for Kelly and Charles and all thier little cutie pies. Bittersweet.

On the Minchella homefront life is chaos as usual and the Hannah is a maniac. She is so so much fun and everyday is a new adventure to her and you can just see her wheels spinning and that little brain of hers is working overtime and then some. Some adventures in Hannahland have been very active. I think some of you must have been praying that the Hannah needs to love mommy up too just like the daddy. Well, she is now realizing her incredible love for me and is freaking out when I am not there or holding her or in her vision: Imagine......a peaceful playful Hannah playing with all her toys so nice and cute as you sit by her side and as you slowly try to creep away to get your work done, you think in your mind finally she doesn't see me creeping away and you feel this little sense of success and just as you are about to enter to the finish line, Screaming overcomes the household and the echo sends a piercing reminder of whom is in control. as usual she wins, I run back and sit and the saga continues. For some dumb reason we parents think we will actually win, not very quick learners are we? Actually, I adore that she has finally realized how lucky she is to have a crazy mommy who loves her no matter what. I am so proud, I guess Haley Rose is reminding me who is most important once again, and in her place is Miss Hannah. She also will not let me rock her to sleep anymore, she realizes that this process leads to the other process of sleeping and she doesn't agree with that.So she plays and plays and hangs on me and crawls on me and babbles on and on and on taking a few sips and then tossing her bottle at me as to say, Yo MOM I am NOT going to sleep so there. That little smart terd. Yep she is in control beyond belief. One other little thing, she is identical in personality to Miss Haley and I wonder if Haley had something to do with that. When I put Hannah in her high chair to eat, I had better have her food ready to go or else, the wrath of Miss Hannah wins again. She gets a little t'd when I don't give her food asap. My little growing piggy. It is hard to believe thta next month she will be one. I am starting to plan the party any ideas?

See the pics they are really funny, tonight Hannah was doing her wind down and flip out and act diranged mood before bed and she was rolling around so much that her hair got put into such an interesting place.....what a nut, she looks like some rocker chic who partied all night and still had something left in her to go for round two. My little headbanger. HA No party's or boys or nothing, only sweet...innoccent things for this girl. Pleas Lord. Well, I have some more to write but American Idol is on.... gotta go. Keep writing and see the pics. Love Amber

Thursday, March 2, 2006 8:03 PM CST

My , my , my how time flies. I remember the easy days of hanging out at home with my girl and having to concentrate only on all the things that help to hold the house together, and now with work and everything, it seems that holding a house together takes many more hands to make it possible. I have to tell you that I had some kind of deep thought today……….oooooh watch out! And it consisted of many many things. Like for instance I think that for me I take on way to much when it comes to control lately. I want to get everything right and fail at nothing. Well, if only we could live in a perfect world. I got to thinking how stressful making everything perfect really is and how just being normal is really easy and comfortable like you just stepped out of your work clothes and jumped into your pajamas or the softest pants and top your can find. You know how is feels , like for a moment you could just jump in bed and wrap your blankets around you and bathe in your non-agenda. You know lately I really just need to find my chill spot, a moment to be me with all my imperfections and take pride in them. How silly it is to think that all the things that we cannot get done in a day make or break who we are. You know how everyone says set your goals high and shoot for the stars, well lets start a new trend, set your goals a little more low (ya know like reality vs. dreamland) and then alleviate some of the pressure we take on and instead of reaching for the stars reach for the fluffy clouds. I mean really do we have little inspectors running around telling us we are incompetent or are we just taking on things that are unnecessary. There is a reason that there is only one super woman and man. As I was having my deep thought moment, I thought about Haley Rose and how although she could of felt like crappy she hung in with all of us crazies and tried to be normal in a very abnormal situation. She was our little light in the never-ending tunnel of uncertainty in life. She was God’s little speckle of truth. Why be what everyone expects us to be or to feel, why not be who we are and feel what we really feel. How interesting that a forever two year old can still impact life here from heaven. Lord knows how many times a day we all think of her and how in at least the back of my mind, my visions of her are still beckoning and longing for her presence in this world. I hate to tell you all this but it is just a day in the life of Haley’s mommy’s head who still has some visions that we wish we didn’t have to have. Tonight in our nightly ritual of bathy time with Hannah, I gave her overly sudsy bath and pulled her little wet slippery little body out and wrapped her up like a mummy in her towel and held her close to me took her to her room for rub down lotion time and getting her all cozy woozy in her jammies. Well as I rubbed her nighttime lavender baby magic lotion on all the sudden I had a flash back of the last time I rubbed lotion on Haley after she had passed away on our couch. I remember vividly how her once warm pliable little body became cold and lifeless, we had taken her in her bedroom and laid her on her bed and washed her little sweet body and as she lay there, inside my head of disbelief was the thought that this was the last and final little bath and rub down I would ever give her, I asked everyone to leave the room so I could be with her alone. As I have told you this was our little ritual. I looked at her body laying on her bed and through my tears I saw how much she had grown up, and how I remember how small she used to be, I took the lotion and started from her sweet face and worked down to her smelly toes which on so many occasions we would call the stinky toe police and just wanted to so badly to trade places with her and give her my breath of life, awake her from what looked like a dreamy sleep. I just wept. So many things were going trough my head so many memories that we had and that I wished we would have continued to have. So many things as I looked at Hannah tonight look just like her sissy, her little body shape her juicey thighs , her soft smooth baby skin, her eyes which keep getting better and her very large cheesy grin. Even her hair smells and reminds me of how Haley’s . This life as complicated and hurtful as it can be is truly this life, one moment , one minute, one second. Even in the most imperfect life there is still perfection, only the one God created.

As for Hannah, wow were do I began, she is terrific. The joy I have with her through all the flashbacks and sadness, there she is …. Just loving me. Someday when it comes to the time of explanation of her sissy, what a moment that will be, and how lucky I am to have such a special sweet hero for her to look up to. Hannahland as you can imagine has been very crazy lately, she is so fun. She crawls everywhere and she is so strong, she pulls herself up on everything and has realized that with gravity things that get up must come down and sometimes not in a good way, thank God for extra cushion in that squishy booty of hers. She also flirts like big time flirty with Daddy. Brother……………Men, what they do to us woman specially the naive, young and absolutely untrained ones. HA HA She does this tilt head thing and that darn tight lippy smile thing and her eyes get all squinty like she can’t bear to look anymore and there you have it………..a Hannah flirt attack. Whatever! Yes, we will have our talks, but I didn’t think they would start this young….YIKES! Oh, another really cute adorable eat her up thing that she does, is when she is sitting on the floor, when she hears any music , I mean any, she rocks back and forth and back and forth, like she is sitting in a rocking chair, and until the music stops, she doesn’t either. I just want to literally eat her. I can just tell in her little mind she is thinking, I am cute , I am cute , I am cute …cute cute cute. She also looks herself in her closet door mirror and this is her baby friend, ya know the one that looks just like her. She gets up to the mirror and keeps going and touches her forehead with her baby friends and then BAMB, she hits her head, ouch. Then she leans in again and kisses the baby. Seriously, if you want to keep me from eating my child stop me now. Man, being a mom is so hard. I love it!!!! Here are some new pics. Enjoy! I believe some of you need to report. NOW. Keep in touch. Love Amber

Saturday, February 11, 2006 10:44 AM CST

Hello Everyone!!
See what happens when you write me I write back. I miss you guys. I saw little baby Jayden and he is a doll. I am so happy for Kelly and Charles, the impact of this little life to anyone is life changing but for us who have lost a little child it is a pure and wonderful miracle. I went to the hospital to visit with Kelly and Charles and they looked so happy and poor Kelly looked so tired. But beneath all that a peace was there, they have a healthy baby boy and he has all his fingers and toes and his feet are normal. When Charles left the room to go give out his autograph ( Mr. Popular) Kelly and I had a nice chat and a little cry. It never fails when we get together we always have these tears that well up in our eyes and this connection and feeling that seems so raw. Like it all happened yesterday. We both try so hard to not lose it sometimes that when we get together, it gives the opportunity to be completely a mess, and both of us know what the other feels and that connection is a bond her and I unfortunately will always share. I love them all to pieces and all I want is the best for all of them. I know the road ahead will be hard and wonderful all in the same moment.

As for our lovely family we have been crazy busy and so many wonderful things have happened. Hannah is now crawling and getting around so well now and she now has two teeth. She is so beautiful and sweet and I just love her so much. I have to tell you Hannahland has been so active lately, she is really funny. She sits in her high chair and she thinks she is Queen Bee, (well, she is ) She screams with excitement and I think she thinks she is an Olympic Gold Medallist because she uses all her strength and muscles and tries to show off her talent by pushing the high chair tray off its rail. Her efforts are so serious, you would think she was up against her fiercest competitor. I laugh and she gets mad at me and then pursue it even harder. She is a strong one just like her sissy. She also has started to do the sniffies just like Haley. She scrunches her nosy up and breaths in and out real hard and smiles, it is so dang cute. Identical in so many ways those two. She also plays so independently now and she is in her own little world. I have to tell you I brought out Haley’s doll house the other day and she went to town on redecorating the rooms mommy so neatly placed. It was a free for all re-decorating frenzy, when she got done their was nothing life in the house, it was all around the interior decorator Hannah Grace with a beautiful face. I must say we have lots of work to do to refine her style. She is so fun right now I miss spending time with her, but I squeeze in as much as possible when I see her. She is spazzy and razmatazzy these days and is going to be such a neat kid, I cannot wait till she starts really bossing me around. One more thing, she has some vocal cords this kiddo, she can belt it out, I cannot wait to see what those little lungs can do.

We all miss Haley so much and Hannah and I have a nightly ritual of kissing all Haley’s music snow globes and kissing then and then we move onto sissy’s picture and we Kiss Haley’s little face and to see Hannah kiss Haley is enough to send any mother batting the tears from her eyes. One precious little thing we do to keep her memory and beauty living on forever. I have taken some more pics of Miss Hannah and I will post them so please look and see what I mean by how cute she is. Please keep writing I miss hearing from all of you, even if you think I won’t read it, I look everyday. I am addicted to my babies and their followers. Keep sharing your stories with us, it means the world. Love Amber.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 8:36 PM CST

Half over is right, This month is flying by. Well, the good news is Hannah is growing like a weed and is becoming quite the cutie pie in personality, the bad news she likes daddy better then me lately. She gets to spend more time with Dad and less time with Mom and Mom is jealous, Actually, she has a special bond with Daddy and Mommy gets her moment but not nearly as much as daddy specially this week. She has also taken to not wanting to go to sleep at night, she fights it and fights it. She has finally realized there is life after sleeping, that the world keeps spinning when she sleeps and she is missing out on seeing what happens when it does. Plus, we are happy to say FINALLY the girl cut her first tooth, yep the bottom left one, it is so tiny and cute. I am missing her so much while I work and the sacrifice never seems to make sense, but the money does I guess, I just loved the days of not taking a shower for three days and wearing sweats and feeling completely unattractive kind of like an old smelly sock. But despite that part of it, I miss the quality time and the wonderful idea that you are fully and completely raising your child up. Haley and I had so many wonderful moments and I feel bad that although my moments with Hannah are also wonderful, they are just not the same quantity. Although, I have to say she is making up for dissing mom for dad one way though. She has learned to give kisses and these are not just a little pecks, these are sweet little wet ones. Imagine this, you are holding her ok, she is mooshy and chubby and she has big blue eyes and her skin is like a well polished apple with those rosy cheeks, so smooth and new, and then her lippies, they are so soft and tiny if you are not falling on the floor already in adoration then she leans forward and looks at you and puts her sweet little lippies right on yours and opens her mouth to give you a little tongue action. It is so cute and innocent, she has got so much trouble ahead of her with the boys, I actually feel sorry for them, because I know someday some little boys heart will be crushed when she tells him she cannot date till she is 45. HA That will teach ‘em. If we only could wrap them up and keep them in our hope chest forever. I hate that part of life, the part you cannot control. Always knowing that someday you will have to say goodbye. And for most of us it will not be a permanent one but the ones like when they go to college or get married. So Many moments if only we could just hold them forever. I will never stop wondering as I face the years ahead with Hannah how Haley would have been yesterday today and tomorrow. It is something that resonates everytime you see a childs big blue eyes or hear them laugh, or see a mommy and little girl, I will always have two with me even though everyone else will only see one. I had such a hard time the other day, it was one of those moments I always say I try not to have to avoid breaking down into a complete mess. Sometimes the bunch of everythings just take over your emotions and all those feelings that have been stammering on the edge fall in. I just plain miss Haley Rose, all that she was and still is to both Patrick and I. If I could make a new definition for Impactful it would be Haley Rose, She literally impacted my life and the many lives of others forever. Unfortunately for us it is a daily struggle to not think of all the void that she so easily filled in more ways then one. Hannah on the other hand has given Patrick and I something more, something unexpected, something new. As there are many similarities there are as many differences, she is coming into her own and Haley is probably stomping in heaven saying listen sis, you need to do this or that, making sure she does things right. But Hannah is Hannah and for that I thank God, because he knew what we needed and their can only be one Haley Rose and their can be only one Hannah Grace. Both equally special and both have lives of great purpose. I look forward to seeing what Hannah is going to bring into our lives and can hardly wait for a full sentence from her. I anticipate she will be bossy, and that part will bring bittersweet memories, the echo’s of “sit mom sit” come to mind. I cannot wait for another tea party, that will make my day, when she blows on her imaginary tea before she hands it to me. Some things will more then likely become traditions in this family. Well, I have rambled as usual so please continue to write pray and always be there. Love to you all.

Tuesday, January 3, 2006 7:01 PM CST

ok two days in a row of updates, watch out! Seriously, I wanted to tell you some Hannahland stories so here we go. Hannah as you know is now eight months old now and is going on nine. No crawling yet, just lots of kicking and rolling and rolling and a few false starts in the crawling area. I am happy to report that Hannah has started to really blossom, not just in the booty thigh area but in here personality. She has started to learn to claim her independence meaning, that she has learned that if things don't go her way, the world will know. Like tonight for instance she was playing in her little walker or shall I call it a holder of baby without the back pain attached. She wanted out and I made the horrible mistake of walking by her and not picking her up and she got so mad she started grunting (you know when you are mad and there seems to be no word to describe your frustration and you make this grunting growling noise,like that is suppose to mean something) yeah that is what she did. It was so funny, like I could just tell her little mind was fed up and was telling her how could they just walk by me and not pick me up, she huffed and she puffed and she blew her mommy down. HA HA. It is so amazing to me now with Hannah and even with Haley Rose how the most innocent of things can find out how to be mad and angry and how interesting it is to see how they convey it to us. Hannah loves to play on the floor and have mommy and daddy attack her on her sides or blow zerbies on her neck, she laughs so loud it makes me bust a gut. Every tiny baby laughs differently hers is so cute, it is like squeally and high pitched like the little piggy she is. Who knew eight months ago my four pound four ounce baby would turn out to be so dang chubby. I couldn't be more happy. I think anyone who loves something more then themselves can relate to understanding how exquisitly splendid it is that even on the most dreary of days you can look at you child and find the most fascinating joy and love, that gets stolen from you during you fast passed day and in that very moment you stop in time and breathe new strength from them. After riding this roller coaster for the past almost three years in November since our life was forever changed, one thing has stood out and that is this: You can never get back this very second,minute or hour,it is all you have....forever to be faced with in the mirror. I often wonder if Haley had survived and was hear with me this moment helping me type to you all while sitting on my lap, I wonder how many seconds, minutes and hours would I not of looked at in the way I do know, and how sad it is that losing her made me see the real plain simple truth...when God said live life he meant it. How much we have to give and how little we actually tapped into. A child somehow has no conscience to know the difference so they just and open tap pouring out all over us the cleanest most pure things we could ask for, in its purest form LOVE. To me that is something far bigger then we can grasp, and that is why desperately need to filter out all the junk and try to see things as they are not as we want or need them to be. Well, I am off till later, but keep writing I want to hear touching stories from all of you how something or someone has touched your life today. Write me. Love Amber

Sunday, January 1, 2006 7:26 PM CST

Happy New Year

Wow 2006 is here to stay for a few months. I hope you all are praying for a good one, I think we all need one. After all this holiday stress I have become a pain to be around, I told Patrick the other day, I need to take a vacation from myself, I am way to uptight, and stress to much lately, I am letting silly small stuff drive me batty. I know alot of the reason I have been having issues is because I haven't been writing as much and I love to write, my head is filled with so many deep thougts it is draining and sometimes I just have to vent and writing has been that for me. Well, my New Years Resolution in part is to write more, I need it I hope you all have not falling away and will return to live this life with me, I need you all and we all need each other. I like to think puting myself out there lets us all laugh and cry and scream at ourselves, Lord knows we all feel alot of emotion, aren't we blessed. Well, the men in our life may have a different opinion.
So I am unbending my bent self and trying to chill our more, so pray I will have some peace.

As you all know, between losing Haley and Having to live without her and then Having Hannah and reliving Haley it has been a blessing and a curse. I am so blessed to have had a beautiful healthy Hannah, and in the same moment I feel the loss of Haley so often. It may never get easier, but I will become stronger, that is my lesson from my daughter. Really if we change our way of thinking we can directly change the course of our own weaknesses and turn them to good. We all just need a vacation from our own selves sometimes, a time to put your own self in check and reflect on what you can improve upon. We need our spirits to renew and our souls to feel moved. We just need a reflection of hope a reason to be ok with Chilling Out, quit being so uptight and eat some jello jigglers. Ok not sure where that came from, Ha. But you know what I mean, life is way to short, whoever phrased that, was either from the sixties or lived through something that helped them change thier perspective positivly. It is a new year and new year filled with hope and dreams and goals. Lets take a breath and start prioritizing and clean our closets physically and emotionally and start fresh. I know I need to so lets do it together. Are ya with me? Ok ready set go.

Hannah is so cute, she has really started to become Hannah, I mean her personality is raging full speed ahead and you better be ready if not she will let you know. What a charactor. I will give a Hannahland story in a couple days, but hang in there and you had all better keep checking in and keep writing me, share you stories and lets grow strong togehter.

Love Amber
See new pics.

Tuesday, December 6, 2005 7:11 PM CST

Well, Christmas is only 19 days away. Hard to believe that a year has almost past. It is really quite scary really how quickly time passes anymore. I wanted to tell you all to help Patrick and I and millions of other families who lost their children or have children with Neuroblastoma help fund an organization called “Lunch For Life”. Here is the website for you to go to so that you may take part in finding the cure for this type of childhood cancer. http://www.LunchforLife.org All you have to do is donate one lunch to help in funding the research to save other sweet children like Haley Rose, you can also donate In Haley Rose’s loving memory her tree code is 15223, I know all of you have been given a gift from Haley in some way shape or form, maybe we can give one back to her this way. I have had Haley Rose on my mind a lot lately, nothing to unusual about that. Last night however, I was rocking Hannah to sleep in her room and she has a mirror closet door in there and as I rocked her in the dimly lit room I stared at our reflection and got chills. Not so terribly long ago that was Haley and I rocking in that same chair in her room in that same spot. As I stared at the image of us, I felt as though my heart had fully broken. As I held Hannah in my arms and listened closely to her warm short breaths, I realized how blessed one can be to have this feeling….a feeling that we only seem to realize once in a blue moon when we have time enough to think and feel, or when it is too late and your children have grown up. The reflection of this moment captured in my own eyes but at a reflection it seems to sink in more fully. I looked at Hannah and I put my head to hers and my cheek to her cheek and closed my eyes and prayed that God help me to stay strong enough to make her as special as he sissy would want her to be. The process of growing up a child is so monotonous at times, a broken record in the background honing in on a rhythm. Just hoping that eventually they will make their own beautiful music one day and you will be the blessed one to receive it and watch it grow and see the final piece…..only perfect in yours and Gods eyes. What amazes me is knowing this feeling…..knowing that nothing can compare to it and nothing can take it from you. Everything could be taken from you…..even a child, and yet no one can take away that love or even come close to touching its great magnitude. Us parents have something so special, I mean we have the best gift ever. Whether your child is hear or in heaven, you are forever a part of one another…..touched in the most magnificent way. I often wonder what a child thinks of as they look at a parent or what they feel from us. Do they also feel what we do. Do you ever wonder if their stress less sigh is a indication? An example of them falling into what they feel as safety love and security. I believe they fall in love with us just as we do them and those little touches of their hand to your face or those looks into your eyes followed by a peaceful smile….I believe those are the moments that make this world worth living. At the end of the day knowing you are loved and have created love is truly life altering. So as we face yet another crazy busy week and work wears us out and we feel exhausted and overwhelmed, just take a moment and remember what we are all here for and take a look around and breathe in that reality and breathe in the life we are given instead of the life we think we need. All that other stuff…..get rid of it. As we face this busy month, find time with me to focus on what really matters and on what the New Year will bring and remember that today is our chance to change, to make ourselves better, happier and better equipped with the word of God to get us through the next moment. Lord knows without it we might just sink in stressful times, but in good times too, we need it, we need to remember who gave us that as well. After all, giving him thanks is truly the smallest most simple thing we can do in return. Forget the answers, I have given up on figuring the whys, they would never be good enough for us anyways, so bring on the gratitude. Love to you all and God bless. I miss you and hope to hear more from all of you soon. Love Amber

Friday, November 25, 2005 10:00 AM CST

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! We have a lot to be thankful for, On Monday we found out that Hannah indeed has two Kidney’s the reason that they could not find it the last time is because her left kidney and adrenal was in her pelvic area, I guess this is a normal anomaly according to doctors. They did say that she would probably be more susceptible to kidney infections and kidney stones because of its tight location and she will still have to see a urologist in December. However, as long as she has two that to Patrick and I is a blessing no matter its location. I will keep you posted on any new news. It has been a crazy week with the holiday and all so I apologize for the delay in getting back to you all. But thank you for all your prayers and your thoughts, you all are such a blessing to our family and we would be lost without all of you.

On another note, Hannah is such a cutie pie, you all have got to see her in person a picture doesn’t even come close to doing her justice. We were putting up the tree the other day and she was a riot, all the kiddos were here and it was very loud as usual, and the Christmas music was loud in the background. We were all fluffing the tree and little Hannah was trying to help as she attempted to help daddy fluff some tree limbs. I think she just like the prickled texture. Anyway she started to scream like talk scream, you know that baby jabber that is so cute. It is like they really know what they are saying but to us it makes zero sense. She had this serious face, like yeah you had better listen to me. She is just a nut. The nuts must fall regularly with Patrick’s and I gene tree. Both of our girls were nuts. Haley was also a nut too, she used to do all the silly funny things Hannah does. It is amazing how close in personality they are. Hannah is really strong now and is bouncing up and down like a crazy woman, she is also really intrigued by my face and hair, she is always exploring them. When she is in her bath at night she will touch my bangs with her wet hands and when she is done I look like a geek who has a combed forward slicked hair do, I could care less, she could dunk me in the water all together for all I care. He he As I hold her as she falls asleep every night in the rocking chair she will reach for and touch my face ever so gently at first and then she will scratch the heck out of my eyeballs, ever so gently. She just gets interested in something and then she goes in for the attack, kind of like us parents do with out love for our child, you just get to that attack mode point and well, it is all over the poor child is attacked with sniffs to the hair and big juicy kisses all over. We are weird. Poor Hannah probably thinks her parents are freaks we attack more often then most, like I said before we are loving for two. Well, it is Turkey day and I have a lot of work to do to get ready so I hope all of you send a thank you blessing to God in your prayers today at dinner for allowing us a healthy child, we are eternally grateful. Love to you all and keep in touch. I will write more this weekend as I am getting back in the swing of things now. Love Amber.

Saturday, November 19, 2005 8:29 PM CST

Hannahland is beginning to makes is entrance, she is really starting to develop such a personality. I have to say that did get one thing in common with her sissy that was not so great her temper. As long as things go perfectly she is happy, but boy when things start to go array she breaks out in a screaming frenzy. I think if she could talk she would say “ get it together Mom, I want my bottle NOW and I want to be picked up and HELD, so move it!” We have some time to work on her patience though, thank the Lord. Well, we lost again, Michigan that is , they better get their act together, man I am starting to think, I should be cheering for the other team. At least they played to win. Oh well, regular life moves on. Any hoot, we were coming back from Church and Hannah was screaming the whole way home, she would scream louder when we stopped at the stop lights and when we would be moving it would be a little bit better. I tell you, this girl has some lungs, as much as I tried not to hear it, it became louder and louder. Poor thing was tierd, she is like clockwork, she knew it was bath time and she was not happy we were no where near a bath. After bath is rice and milk and bedtime. So we arrive home and run inside and turn the lights on and Hannah is still in a frenzy. She just wouldn’t chill, so I decided to give her a bath, she loves the bath, we get it there and I put her down to get her clothes off and she went ballistic, and I looked in her eyes and she looked so tired and scared, then it became clear, she didn’t know where she was. From church to van to home she got all confused for a few minutes. Then I started smelling her toes and saying “ WHEW, call the stinky toe police” then she realized she was still stuck with her weird mother and everything was normal. It was funny. She proceeded to fully enjoy her bath and then she laughed and smiled while falling asleep in daddy’s arms. I know it is usually mine, but daddy’s need cuddle time too. I was quite jealous though.

She is so wonderful and special to us, and we eat her up as much as we can and it still isn’t enough. We are loving for two not just one. I think it is so funny how serious Hannah can be, then she breaks into the cutest biggest smile and your heart pops out of your chest and you just attack her. Daddy and I laugh so much about how much she has us all wrapped around her fingers. She is a chubbo now too, she has really started to take a growth leap. I hold her now and it amazes me how big she is. Hard to believe a few short months ago we were afraid to change her diaper let alone hold her and now she is full of nice beautiful baby fat. Yummy. I am still baffled how cute fat can be on babies but when it comes to adults we all look like deformed cut out cookies. HE HE. Oh well, at least God loves us still, fat and all. Well, as I said I will update you all on Hannah’s second ultrasound as soon as I hear. In the meantime pray hard and write us, we miss you all too. Love Amber

Saturday, November 19, 2005 6:40 PM CST

I just want to tell you all thank you so much for continuing to write despite me journaling. I want to write so much it hurts, but things have been nutz and that leaves very little time to write. I had another training and was away for a week and on top of that when I get home from work I am spending every moment with Miss Hannah. She is growing up so big and she is so special to me. She has another ultrasound Monday and I will journal to update you on what we find out. It is so hard to look at her and hold her and smell her hair and put my lips to her forehead without breaking down in tears, every time I do these simple beautiful things my heart just explodes with emotion. I miss Haley Rose so much that it almost is a sting in my heart every time I hold Hannah, a sting that reminds me how lucky I am to have had another wonderful child and chance to be a wonderful mom and a very very loving one too. Love means so many different things to me now, it means hurt, loss, courage, tenderness, dedication and just pure and simple purity. I was in my hotel last night in Fort Wayne for training and I was watching ER and I never watch ER, and when I turned it on, a man was dying and his wife and family were there in the room as the surgeon tried to resuscitate him. During this process the mans eyes, the one that was dying, were looking at his family and doctors and in his eyes I saw such truth. I began to cry as that look he gave was very similar to the one Haley gave during her last few moments with us. It took me quite some time to stop sobbing at the pain that just welt up inside of me, that pain you try to be strong enough to sustain from feeling, It just came out like it did the day she left. I cannot say that my life is getting better without her or that I am healing and moving on like people expect you to, all I can say is every part of my being holds Haley in it, and not one second do I not long for her presence her sweet soul to bless me all over again. I just cannot imagine ever feeling better. I can imagine however, just not feeling though. Just flowing trough life afraid, and fearing the unknown. That would be more realistic to what you go through with the loss of your child. Last night again, I begged God to tell me why or give me a vision of her. A dream, something that gives me some sense of joy in this mess. I hope he answers. Still since Haley has gone, I have not had a dream of her, I have had experiences where I feel her near me or feel her presence or watch things unfold that I know she had a part in, but not her to myself, not a glimpse of her face again. That is what I truly long for a moment to talk with her or just listen to her sweet voice and hold her in my arms in an endless embrace of emotion. To be completely blunt, she brought life to my life, she brought a bright beaming light to my days. She made me Period. I don’t want to come across ungrateful for my other precious gift from God, Hannah, but I just want you to know what is in my heart and what I deal with on a momentary basis. I struggle like every human being, but I struggle more as well. I guess, it makes me unique, it makes me aware of pain. I will tell you that being able to relate to people has become easier and more pure. I remember before all this happened to me, I used to listen and live a lot differently. I used to take in but not really take in. I don’t know how many times I must have fallen short in God’s eyes . We do it everyday. If you heard that song that I played at Haley’s funeral and viewing, it hits the nail on the head. It was sung by Jonathon Pierce and it was his “Mission” cd. “the title is Farther Than your Grace can Reach.” It is breathtakingly sung, and it touches my soul and heart so sharply. It talks about how we start our day with good intentions, and fail God in a thousand ways, and about making mistakes and about how Gods love reaches farther then his grace can reach. His love is infinitely powerful and unfailing. I think about this and then I think about how disturbed our world is and how many things just do not make any sense at all and how unfortunate it is that bad things happen to good people and how the bad people run free. It is defiantly not right, but if I were out in this world living without God or the belief of him, I would find it hard to argue or disagree with receiving more love and adoration for nothing in return to be expected. Not to many things offer us any real worth. How could anyone find a solid reason to not want to be loved and given a home for eternity to share with our loved ones. I thank God no one can take away my belief in him. No matter what I go through in this life, no matter how much I ache, or hurt or am scared, I am not alone. Love to you all and write me soon.

Sunday, October 30, 2005 2:00 PM CST

Hello Everyone. Sorry for waiting so long between updates, things have been very hectic lately. I first and foremost want to ask all of you to pray extremely hard for little eight year old Matt Keyser as he passed away today at 1:40pm. I just checked the site and it broke my heart all over again. I remember vividly how awful that moment is when you no longer have control over saving your child and how exhausted and emotional this time is for them, so please pray for all of them I am attaching their website at the bottom of Haley’s page for you to visit and send your love. Thank you.

To update you on the Minchella clan, Hannah had her six month appointment this month and she now weighs almost 16lbs and is 24 almost 25 inches long now. She is growing quickly and is looking a lot like her mommy according to my mommy. J Evidently, mom says she looks almost identical to me when I was a baby, but I still think she has a lot of her sissy in her too. We also hit the mark to get an ultrasound done on Hannah to check for Neuroblastoma and thank God they did not find any masses in her abdomen, however, they did not find both kidneys they think she may only have the right kidney and adrenal, and no left adrenal or kidney. It is unsure at this moment, but we are working on getting more testing done to make sure. We sure wished that we just could have found everything perfectly in its place. God certainly works in mysterious ways. I think that this is so hard because we are not sure of it yet, and hoping that the reason they couldn’t find it is because she is to tiny and her bowels are so large in her little body. They did say that the scan showed her right kidney to be larger then is should be for a child her age, but that could be because it is compensating for not having the left kidney. We are scheduled for a renal scan to get it checked but are having doubts if we want to do that, it requires sedation and as you can imagine that is not something we want to have to do to another child unnecessarily. We are torn what to do, we want to have answers and be sure but then we don’t want to put her through unnecessary testing to give us that answer. This is a pain, because just like Haley, Hannah appears to be as healthy as can be and maybe this lady who did the scan just wasn’t good. It just brings so much to the surface again. It also has to be in the same area that Haley’s tumor was found, we were told their was no mass, but the fear hangs heavy in your mind. Please pray for answers and healing, and let God tell us what to do, and provide for us some answers and direction. We are trying not to freak and we know that many people about 20f the population live without a kidney, lets hope that is all and we can move on…educated.

Patrick and I and Hannah are doing well otherwise, just busy. We think so much of Haley Rose lately as always, and this time of year being Halloween doesn’t make anything any easier. It is hard to believe already that two years have passed since we lived a normal life, full of love and no fear of disease or pain. Who knew how quickly you can be emerged in the fight of your life. We both have our challenges everyday to fight through the moment when your heart and mind bring about a memory, and then in an instant your brought to tears and on the verge of a master breakdown. I just keep wishing her here with us, laughing ,smiling and being silly. How do you continue to believe in the unbelievable. If only God could send her back to us. Every night as I hold Hannah and rock her to sleep, I imagine Haley in my other arm caressing her sissy to sleep and snuggling with her mommy oh how wonderful it would have felt to hold them boldly in my arms. To fill all that love in one single swift moment. Oh to have a second chance. In life we learn that we have one moment, one chance to do it to make it the best moment we can give and receive. That one moment can make all the difference. It can heal a wounded heart , it can mold a life, it can make a smile, it can breath life into a soul. So many things can happen in one tiny moment. One moment can truly move mountains. I cannot wait to hear someday all the things Haley Rose has learned upstairs in heaven, all that she will have to share with me and show me. All the things we yearn for the answers for everyday, how much God is wanting to share that with us. You know what Haley taught me, that we don’t have to wait for heaven to learn things he wants to teach us, that some things are already there, we are just blind to it. Knowing another life of a little child was taken today to God, take a moment and think about that very thing. Why is it, that so many children die, what do you think God sees in them? He sees purity , love acceptance, devotion, passion, simplicity, eagerness, and the willingness to learn and to listen. All those things we have grown out of, and forgotten. So today , find your childlike faith and energy and be silly and laugh, quite being so uptight, roll in some leaves in your good clothes, let your housework go and play. Take a moment to be a kid everyday, how refreshing would that be, and how fulfilling. Please continue to pray. Love Amber.

Sunday, October 9, 2005 2:57 PM CDT

Hello Everyone. Wow, it seems as though this year is just flying by. It seems like yesterday it was August and here we are now in October. I love the fall, it is one of those seasons that really embodies a deep sense of self, at least for me. I love the crisp mornings and evenings and the colors seem to take the edge off a rough day, basking in Gods beauty that he created, what a shame to not acknowledge it. I always seem to really think deeply this time of year, I suppose it has to do with change, one season to the next, the falling of the leaves. I think about how amazing it is that as things are dying, they become more and more beautiful. Kind of like us humans. When we pass away our spirits are at their peak, we usually are at our prime, loving, sharing, crying sad and joyful tears as we make our way to our new home. It is a constant reminder of how much work I have ahead of me. I think back to Miss Haley Rose, she was blossoming by leaps and bounds after her diagnosis, it was as if she were in her bright fall colors, and as her leaves began to wither, she seemed to be in such strong spirits, then as each one of her leaves fell till the last remaining leaf, her beauty became something grander, something far more superior then her little body could sustain. It was as if her soul has leapt out of her little body and stayed there with us till her body finally shed it’s last little leaf. Just like the falls end, the sadness sets in, the strong hard months are ahead of us. Life all around us gives us insight on Gods love and his beauty. Sometimes we miss it until we are knocked down and pulled to look around once again. God is so amazing, I mean who else in this world would take the time to touch our true souls and be there through all our souls seasons. Who else would love us in our hatred, our anger and our weakness. Who else would always be there with open arms and no attachments. The answer would be no one. Not one thing or person in this world could ever get close to touching the power of God’s love. Don’t think he doesn’t know what you are going through, or that he is ignoring your prayers, he has already answered them. He has already forecasted your next move. He knows you like you don’t even know yourself. I get so caught up in that, I mean Why is he so splendid? Why is he so loving? Because he is. Plain and simple God loves us each and every one. No matter how dark your soul is, he loves you, no matter how much you push him away, he draws closer, he is at the brink of everything. How tremendous.

Well, sorry to get off on a tangent, it is morning and that is my prime time of day to reflect. On to the home front here. Well, my ankle for those of you who asked is better. Running around like usual now. Hannah is humungous and she is such a dolly. I just cannot stop kissing and loving her up. Poor thing thinks her parents are trying to attack her. We just cannot help it she just is so much fun to love and hold and kiss and smell, all of our senses our spoiled. She is turning into such a cutie pie and yes of course she is also a high maintenance woman, her sissy was sure to give her that from her heavenly pedestal. She is starting to eat some real food, I mean baby food that is, and she is liking it. She opens her mouth so big you could get a dump truck in there. She certainly must of got that from her daddy. HE HE. I miss her all day long, and hate that I have to be away from her to work, but hopefully one day Mommy can stay home again with her and we can bond even more. She loves her baths, she is trying to play with her feet now and it cracks me up. Who knew our feet could be such wonderful exploratory toys. Well, she finds her just fascinating and she thinks she is really cool now, because she can grab all the things she has been dreaming about these last five months. I am still working on getting her head un lop-sided. She has a little problem there, poor thing, she favors sleeping on her right side more then her left, someday she will yell at me if we cannot get it perfect. Oh well, she will just have to be beautifully lop-sided. It isn’t that noticeable but it is kind of funny. She loves her mommy reading to her every night she likes the Three Bears like her sissy, she tries to grab the pictures like they are toys. It is so cute. I am trying to get back into the habit of photo taking. So hang tight cause I will be posting more and more. I cannot seem to get her to pose yet…….hmmmmm. I will have to work on that. She is going to be a big pumpkin for Halloween. I always call her my pumpkin so why not be one.

On another note, I want you all to pray for Kristy my friend from Sturgis, she was pregnant with #2 and had a miscarriage. She is so wonderful and loving, God had other plans but I am sure soon enough he will send another one her way. I told her she would just have to wait till I got pregnant again. He he. That will be awhile, so don’t get any ideas. Well, love to you all and God bless and keep writing me , I love to hear from you all. Love Amber. See the New Pics.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 9:12 PM CDT

Hello everyone again. Well, things have been crazy as you can imagine but as usual we all make it through. I wanted to share with you the many thoughts I have been having lately, a lot about Miss Haley and many of Miss Hannah. I find myself looking at her so many times, Hannah that is and just feeling this enormous urge to just ball over into a crying frenzy. She is so much like Haley in so many ways, it is like we took a ride back through a time machine. I find myself looking in to her eyes and seeing the resemblance of Haley’s sparkling eyes. I remember back when Haley used to just stare at me and grab my face and pull it toward her, and ironically, I find Hannah doing the same things as I rock her to sleep. I may be in deep thought somewhere in Amberland and I look down to find her staring up at me. That constant stare Haley used to give me all over again. I know God has given her to us and I am constantly reminded when I am on the edge of insanity with Hannah and her teething, that having a crying baby is so much better then not having one at all. I just cannot fathom all that has transpired in my life, and I cannot believe all this is less then thirty years. I wonder how one person handles all this and then I realize that one could not if not for God in their life, if not for the true heartfelt belief in someone and something greater then this world. I don’t know if any of you watch the television show on Tuesday nights called “House”, but it is really excellent. It is about this doctor who is very sarcastic and outlandish, but is a doctor who will not quit till he figures out what is wrong with the patient. Anyways last night it was about a little girl with cancer a brain tumor, it was a flashback. As we watched it was haunting to see this girl with her bald head and bright eyes, it just brings you directly back to day one. All that you feel, all that you fear, all that you hope, all intertwined in a raging mess of insanity. I can honestly say, that truly, we are living in denial, we cannot live in reality because the reality of not having our Haley here is unfathomable. We never stop thinking of her and we never stop yearning for her, it seems a constant ache, in our soul. I know that she is in a good place and that God took her and needed to for reasons we are not fully aware of. Having that understanding is something I cannot imagine living without. It is still very hard and still very sad with out her. It seems forever ago since I kissed her and held her and talked to her, and that just seems to break me down at times. The pain of her loss is a wound that will last forever, it is a realization that I can’t fully take in. Even now a year and one month later, and I am still hoping some morning I will wake up to Haley in the middle of our bed looking like my sweet sleeping angel, and that first kiss I would give her to wake her up, and how blessed I would feel to see those eyes and that fresh morning smile as to say “ I love you mommy”.

I want you all to know that our faith is still something that carries us and even in your darkest hours it continues to do so. Faith is something that produces true strength and true humanity, it helps you to reveal your path in this world and helps to sustain you when your path seems cluttered and a wreck. Here is an analogy, I have some beautiful hydrangea’s in my front island and earlier in the summer they were full and bloomed bright magenta flowers and appeared to be flawless, but as the heat of summer and the lack of time to properly water it, they seemed to wither and wilt away. All the blooms drooped down in sadness, I could sustain the blooms with some water but soon the sun parched them again. I finally decided to just cut off the dried blossoms and start all over. I didn’t know that they would come back this season, but they did. Just like faith, when you feel like there is nothing to hold on to, God provides some kind of miracle, some kind reminder that he is here and you are not alone. He is a constant provider and like the blooms on my hydrangea’s he will always be there pruning us and watering us to help us sustain our strength and our wits, but sometimes he has to cut off our wilting blooms and redirect our growth to a new area a new focus. I guess we need to also remember that God gives us tools to utilize to help us blossom in our faith, but ignoring them or not finding the time in our schedule to pursue them, is sad, not only for us, but for God too. I cannot imagine how God must feel at times to have created such beautiful humans and seeing them run away from him instead of toward him, to see them hurting instead of living happily, to see them fighting instead of loving one another, to see them ignoring those in need instead of reaching out to them. I can only imagine what he must feel, the shock, the disappointment. We all struggle in each day to find a moment to pray, to read the bible, to do devotions, to sing worship songs, but it only takes a moment, that moment in which God allowed us to live in, to do it, one little moment. We are the model to our children, the guide that they follow and try to emulate, what have we taught them today about priorities, about God? Something to ponder on. I am preaching to myself today too. Love to you all and keep writing and sharing your stories. Love Amber. New Pics!!!!!

Thursday, September 8, 2005 8:27 PM CDT

Hello Everyone!

Sorry for the extremely long delay in getting back on to write. It has been tough and strange lately. A year later and the feeling of hurt and pain still remain as evident as the day she left us. We Patrick and I want to thank everyone for their prayers and their kind words, I truly get on everyday to read them as they help me through the day, even when I don’t update everyday I get on to see my baby and to see how she is still changing lives. Keep sharing your stories as they give me some grasp at the wonderful life and love of Haley Rose.

On the day of her passing, we went out to her resting place as planned and we got there early and were sharing some wonderful stories, and then wonderful sweet friends started to arrive and share the moment with us. My friend Kristy drove two hours from Sturgis Michigan to share the moment with us and she just made my heart melt by just being there. We have been friends ever since we were little dweebs in grade school. Thank you Kristy, and then also Lisa and Melanie showed up as well, and then as we were praying for Haley Rose and sharing in her love and thanking God for bringing her hear, Kelly and Charles ( Sweet Baby Angel Sydney’s Mommy and Daddy) showed up to give us a hug and be there for us, as well as Mike and Marcella (Patrick’s brother and Mother) and my mother, and of course little Miss Hannah stealing everyone’s attention as usual. The prayer I gave for Haley seemed so full of God and Haley’s presence, as I prayed I begin to cry and weep, but I made it through, it hits you sometimes it all just slams into your gut like a train, and your just can’t be strong enough to deny the feeling of sadness that steals your words from your soul and heart. We were all holding hands and it just felt so beautiful, it was as if Haley were in the middle blowing us kisses and sending us her warm love. On top of all that the day was the most beautiful day of the entire summer, it was mid 70’s and sunny with some clouds, just a perfect day.

I want you all to know that from the bottom of my heart, I need you all always, I am still continuing to update this past month has been very difficult as you all know and on top of that I had a health scare but everything is wonderful, I am ok. I also this past week and a half ago fell during my camping trip with my family, I was playing Volleyball and it was girls vs. the guys and we wanted to beat them so bad, on the last play as I was attempting to hit a ball, I was coming down and fell on my left foot and it basically decided to not support me and I twisted it to the left, well I immediately fell to the ground and began saying my ankle my ankle, like a wounded football player they helped drag me off the field of battle and sat me in a chair and looked her over and they all hovered over me like a huddle and said oh yeah it looks sprained. I felt so annoyed by all the attention, like everyone feeling sorry for you. Oh well, we decided to head home which was two hours away and see how it looked later, well the swelling intensified and needless to say when we got home my ankle looked like I had a softball petruded out of the left side of it. It looked very bad. The next morning after a night of icing it and taking loads of Advi, we went to the emergency room and had it X-rayed and they said I broke my Fibula which is that bump on your ankle on the outside, and I also sprained it. I got my crutches and I had to call into work and let them know I would be off for one week doctors orders, I had only been working one week and now I am a wounded duck,. thank God my mother came to help take care of me and help me with little Hannah. I am back to work a week later and trying to ditch the crutches and just work with the cast, what a pain in the but, literally my but is getting a work out…..when you use crutches you use muscles you didn’t realize you were there. Well, all in all we are mending ourselves as best as we can, and I must say after a week and a half I am realizing how Haley Rose must have felt having to rely on others to do things for her when she was tied to a hospital bed, she got bossy and was a pistol and those traits have come out of me these last few days as well. I admire how strong she was for all those months and it keeps me in perspective of how lucky I am that I don’t have it worse. I promise to keep updating once a week now. I will update you all more regularly and I expect you to keep your end of the bargain up and keep writing as well. Hannah now weighs 14 pounds and is 24 inches long approx. She is doing great in health but has started to teeth and drool, so she has been cranky so pray for her paint to subside, it breaks my heart seeing my baby hurt, it brings back painful visions of Miss Haley. Well, I love you all and you all take care and send your love over. Love Amber.

Sunday, August 14, 2005 3:38 PM CDT

Almost twenty four hours from now we lost our precious angel Haley Rose, many of you I have not told the story of her last few days, her last few moments. I will attempt to confide in you all as I relive them through every blink and tear. I remember that it was a Sunday that Haley left and much like today it was cloudy and overcast and raining. She was if I recall correctly, very weak now and I remember before she fell asleep for the last time on this Earth, the last generous act she did was feed her llittle bear an m & m and not long after she fell asleep but just before that she saw what I think to be angels’ she looked to the left windows in our living room as she lay on the couch on her favorite blanky surrounded my by both her poohs the real one and the stand in and also that little bear she received as a gift from a friend of ours, she pointed and her eyes got big and bright and so full of life and she had seemed to see something beautiful, she could not explain as she was heavily drugged at this point, but she wanted to tell us and she pointed and kept looking so happy, as peace and a calm finally came over her and I believe it was at this point that Haley’s soul prepared for its journey through the light to her new home.. Her body however, fought on hard to stay here, and as Patrick and I laid with her for many many more hours, I recall how sad we were and how hard we cried and how much pain our hearts were feeling and all the thoughts going through our heads of the most wonderful beautiful baby we had ever seen, laying before us as a true offering to God. In those dark moments you feel many things, you feel regret that you can not save her, you feel your heart ripping inside you as the pieces break off somewhere deep within your soul, tattered and torn, your eyes are so heavy from lack of sleep and emotional distress, but you cannot close them in fear you will miss her last breath, her last word, her last touch. It is all you can do to just exisit at this point, you feel so lonely and scared, yet in a strange way you feel a calm knowing that soon their will be no more pain for her as your prayers to save her turn to prayers to take her to heaven. As she lay there so helpless, her little body starts to turn a grayish color as it shuts down and her mouth lay slightly open and her poor little teeth start to get a coppery color. All these visual changes you read about in the hospice manual are starting to happen and on her chest lay her little bear whom she fed the last m & m too and it is moving up and down, rapidly at times then slower then more rapid as her poor sweet strong heart continues to fight on. She lays there and I kiss her head and her hands and tell her in her little ear mommy and daddy love her so so so much and it is ok to go, we understand, I cannot believe my own words in my head are my own silent screams and pleads for God to save her, I keep counting her heartbeats as they range in the high 160’s to the low low 40’s and I pray that she knows our hearts and knows we tried so very hard to save her. We did not talk with her about why hospice was there or about going to heaven as we were confused at how to explain and were ourselves in denial of the very truth that inevitably lay before us. At about 3:55, after I took her heartbeat and it was in the 20’s, I said it is not long now, I watched her as in the very next moments her little bear stopped moving up and down on her chest and her big eyes opened so big and all the air that was left in her poor little lungs left her body like a long sigh, a sigh of relief. We all cried and broke down as all the strength in the world cannot prepare you for what you feel I just kept kissing her and hugging her and telling her I loved her. Then all the sudden the overcast skies turned to bright rays of sunshine as she wanted to let us know her warmth though now gone from her body was still there in our midst in the rays of sunshine. Daddy said we need to let her balloons go now, so we all my family went outside and let her Pooh Balloons go and her one pooh balloon was dancing in the sky in circles just as Miss Haley Rose danced . I knew she was ok, we went back inside and took her to her bedroom and lay her on her bed to clean her up and have our last few moments with her. We bathed her poor lifeless body and then I asked everyone to leave as I needed a moment with her and for the last and final time I put lotion on her, every night after her bath we did this and Haley would love it so much. I looked at my precious baby and bathed her with lotion and kissed her little lips and told her I loved her and kissed her smelly toes and looked her over and thought how could this be how can I be doing this to my baby , this is all a terrible nightmare I will wake from and our world will be put back together again. She had grown so much these last few weeks and was such a big girl, and for the first and final time mommy put big girl underwear on her. She wanted to wear them so bad, she would have been so happy. Everyone came back in and we dressed her, this was so hard on all of us as her body was getting stiff, it is like now that I think back I wonder how in the world we all pulled ourselves together enough to do it all. We put her favorite dress and green sweater on and her little pink hat and wrapped her up in her favorite blanket with pooh in her arms and lay her back on the couch. I remember being so bewildered. Soon the people from the funeral home came to get her and then the reality hits you again. This is her last moment home on her couch with us in her house, she is leaving us forever and ever, Patrick boldly and reluctantly carried her like a baby to the car and we put her in the seat and fastened her safety belt, and kissed her and told her we loved her again and closed the door and watched as she left lives, this is the worst memory ever, it cuts like a razor sharp in your heart as you remember and break all over again. Patrick and I held one another and weeped and walked together back to the house, I just wanted to fall to the ground and weep and tell God NO NO NO take me take me. As we walked up our sidewalk it seemed like hours passed and all our family was weeping standing there in our front yard watching it all. I tried to be strong and I was but it was not easy. As we came in all I remember was the blur of feeling, all the love she brought to our home seemed so far away so distant, it seemed so lonely. Well, everything after this moment is pretty much a blur, and it all spilled together, it was like you felt as though you were in some kind of Matrix movie when everything stops around you and your movement to are slow and seem uncontrolled. We made it through by the grace of God and we are still somehow standing. This year has been busy and long and short, it seems strange. Patrick and I know that Haley and God sent us Hannah in Haley’s place and Patrick and I said we wonder if she knows how lucky and special she really is to be a true gift from heaven , and be the gift her sissy and God helped put together to make her perfect for us. If she does not understand she will as I will someday explain to her all of this. But for now we take these last few hours and count down till tomorrow at around 4pm. We plan on meeting at her grave site then to cry and spend some time remembering all that she was is and always will be to us and talk about how she changed so many lives. Please come and visit with her if you can sometime tomorrow. As I know she would love to know that she is still loved and forever missed. We also put an ad in the Toledo Blade as a memorandum to her. We love you all and pray extra hard for us tonight. Keep writing. Love Amber I am posting some photos of Miss Haley. She is happy now and she is free.

Sunday, August 7, 2005 6:49 PM CDT

Hello Everyone!

Wow, I feel just terrible I have not been keeping up on my journals lately, I just have so much to say that I am feeling I have no idea where to start, on top of that little Miss Hannah is keeping mommy very tired these days by staying up a lot at nighttime. Hannah is growing by giggles and girgles now and has a language all her own. She is getting so big and her head is outgrowing her hair and that ole familiar Haley toupee is coming back to greet us on Haley’s little twin(hannah's) head. Ha ha . She is such a fine repleca of her sissy and yet behind it is a Hannah all her own, but I feel this strange tinge of Haley beneath the surface of her eyes and it gives me the chills. She is an old soul in a new little body almost, like she has lived years beyond ours and knows just how to help us through this rough time. God continues to show himself right now in many ways, he reminds me all the time who is in control and that it is ok to not be so strong, and as I have learned lately he would much rather have us just let him take control and be humble and not to be afraid to be weak as he loves the weak, that is when he is most near to us.

I am looking at going back to work soon, and have some offers I am looking at, this is something I have been praying about because it will be hard, but it will also help us. I think it will give me some well needed strength, God made me with many skills to use and I need not let them just sit and get rusty. Leaving Miss Hannah is an emotional thing though, I just never want to miss out on anything with her, because I realize how special every moment is, but in the same way, I know God plans on me having many many years with her. I can’t help but feel a tad guilty though, like I am abandoning her or something, I know that is just my hurt talking and that I need to do it for her as well, as she needs mommy to be strong. I am confident with who I am leaving her with though and that will be Patrick’s mom, she used to help watch Haley when I went back to work after she was born for a short period of time and she was just fabulous with her, so I know she will be in good hands. Thank God. Recently, we had all the kids for a couple weeks and had lots of fun crammed in a little time, we went to Cedar Point and then went camping and swimming with them and just spent some good quality family time together and it was nice. They went home last Friday and the house is strangely quiet and we miss them, sometimes that chaos is helpful to keep your mind at bay.

However, it is eight days and counting till we sent our Angel Haley Rose to heaven last year and it really just seems impossible to me. How can this be that a little over a year ago we were still hanging on to miracles and did not believe the doctors when they told us in not so many words that a miracle was bleak, and that her time here was dwindling. I cannot believe how fooled we were by her strength, she was so amazing. Tonight we went out to fix up her little resting place again, the poor flowers look like weeds as the sun has drained them up their succulence and we just had to take them up and keep it simple till we could plant some mums. As we were filling the cracks of dry land with fresh soil, I found myself on the verge of a breakdown as I knew beneath these cracks of dried up ground lies my babies little body which was made in my womb and it was just there beneath me just within my reach, and it just hurt so bad to think of it, it just rips your heart out to think you cannot touch her or feel her warmth and heartbeat against your chest and kiss her fingers and toes and watch her bouncy little determined walk. I just wanted to dig her up, how sad, I thought how deranged, but when your mind really wraps around the reality of what has happened when you let that reality creep in even a tiny bit it just makes you just feel it so much deeper, like someone has reached in you and pulled out everything that has life and taken it from you, and feel yourself melting away. It is just so hard to explain. But as usual I had a purpose out there and regained my composure till at this very moment I write you. We added pretty mirrored crystal chimes and ornaments for her tree to give back some of that sparkle she so abundantly gave to us and as the job was at the end, we all set back and said Haley would be happy, Haley is happy!! We also heard a day ago another little boy named Matthew whom we met at Toledo Hospital who also has Neuroblastoma is nearing the end with Hospice and when we had met him last year, he and his family were filled with such hope as he was in remission and had just had a transplant. I just cannot believe this evil disease must take another child only four years young to be with God. I guess I just want to never hear the word again, forget it exists, then I won’t relive everything, but in the same regretful thought I feel a huge burden on my heavy heart to fight fight fight to win a cure to prevent another life and family to have the pain and hurt that we do. Please pray for him and the grandparents that have raised him since birth, they are needing help to pay for funeral expenses so go to fox Toledo to get more info on him. If you go to the local news there is a link called Matthew update go there, he lives in Wausean. I sent an email out to everyone earlier today but in case you didn’t get it maybe we all could help them in some way in memory of Haley. I thought that would be something she would have us do for her anniversary of her journey to Haleyland Heaven. Helping someone else on a day would otherwise be filled with such self pity and sadness. I don’t know what any of you think but I think that has Haley Rose written all over it. I want you all to know again how much we all love and appreciate all your continued prayers and support and how grateful we are to still have them. We need them as we deal with everyday. I have been really kind of sad as you can imagine and I was really thinking how much I needed to hear from you all and prayed to God for his strength in providing me with some extra support in this area, and sure enough some of my closest friends cld and let me know they were there. I just needed to know that. I know everyone deals with things differently and a lot of you feel like you don’t know what to say or do, but just knowing your out there really helps in so many ways, it is like, I know with all of you and God, my chain is not broken and I am not going to be taken down, you all will be my strength when I cannot find it within me, after all that is what true friends do. Thank you for that. I am gaining up the strength to speak to you again, as this day comes closer I know my thoughts and emotions are at an all time high so don’t be surprised to see many updates as they come flowing in. I am updating the pics with Hannah’s first professional photo, and just so you know one of the outfits is what Haley wore home when she was born, I managed to squeeze Hannah in it a few weeks ago, it was also blessed in Rome by Pope John Paul over a year ago, really something amazing. It is a good thing I did it when I did, because now that she is eating rice cereal she is really becoming my Michellan tire girl. Love you all so so dearly, thank you and keep in touch please. Love Amber, Patrick and Little Large Hannah.

Saturday, July 23, 2005 2:42 PM CDT

Hello Everyone;

Well, sorry for the delay in updating, but as usual Hannah Grace is keeping mommy on her toes literally 24/7. It is interesting how soon you forget how such a sweet little one can swallow your energy up like oxygen, but they do. Hannah is arriving as quickly to Hannahland as her sissy, she is demanding me to socialize even when I don’t know how to. She would much rather smile and chit chat and watch in amazement as I try to become a one woman circus act, which these days isn’t too difficult. I feel so blitzed emotionally, and I think she finds it kind of funny that mommy is running around catering to her every need. I see her big blue eyes watching me as I pass her and she seems to have figured out that mommy can leave and come back and prefers the coming back one. I have come to the conclusion that Hannah has started to figure out how to manipulate me, yes, it was bound to happen, us poor moms fall for it every time, as I walk away the puppy like eyes come out along with the downturining of her mouth and all the sudden real tears, oh my, real tears, well if I needed that right now. I guess I did because after all God knows our needs even before we do. I pick her up and feel so sorry for the two seconds I tried to accomplish another task, and then in the very fore front of my thoughts came a vision of Haley saying play mom, play or sit mom sit. Well, then my own tears start and we ( Hannah and I ) wail together in completely two entirely different ways. I just cannot believe how changed I am and cannot believe all that has transpired, and yes, in these instances of reality hitting, my heart aches a bit more, for each day seems numbered somehow, like the count down to New Years, except at zero, a celebration doesn’t seem likely. August 15th is a day that brings so much emotion and so much sadness and although it was a celebration for Haley on her entrance into heaven, losing her is never a celebration, as a matter of fact, I keep hoping to find a way to rejoice for her, but my selfish suffering seems to win the battle of wills. But in this very odd way God seems closer now then ever, like I feel him beckoning me to talk with him, I feel him and see him working in my life, opening and closing doors. Life, well life on this Earth is different without Haley Rose Minchella here visually for all of us to see and grow with, It seems like the clock is tick tick ticking away in my brain and no one is there, sometimes I wonder how I can function, others days I keep myself so busy that so I don’t have to think to long. Well, needless to say, I am not the only one hurting, so is Daddy, Patrick misses her and all the rest of my family is missing her, it is just a hovering dark cloud that seems to follow us, all of us. My family has lost three beautiful people in the month of August throughout the years, two which were taken a year ago and the other a wonderful sweet Grandmother who left nearly 15 years ago, it is unbelievable, I feel like the poor Kennedy’s sometimes, so much sadness and loss. But just as soon as I get down, I began to pray to God to help us all through this, and then in small instances I see him working his miracles, I will expand on this later, but he is working, he is really here with us, and as you face each and everyday whether it positive or negative, God still wants to hear from all of us. Whether it be a thank you Lord for saving me or a cry out for help and guidance, he is there and the answers and direction are there waiting. Sometimes I wonder how God works and how he figures it all out for each of our lives, how he looks down on us from the heavens and sees the things we do and the things we do not, and watches as we make that bold step forward or backward and how tough it must be seeing the hurt we sometimes must walk through to get to the blessing or seeing us walk right passed the blessings without once saying thank you God, thanking him for the life we have today. Seems so simple...but it is not, it seems these days that saying thank you is harder then saying help me. I feel sorry for what he has to see sometimes. I just hold dear the thought of heaven and how on this earth our ending is the beginning, the beginning to a real life, a life filled with so much glory, so much beauty, so much love.But in the same respects we must live this life fully and take a hold of it and give something impactful to it, make it better. This morning on the new they were talking about how happy these children were to go to an atheist camp for the summer, just when you think we are winning souls, there is so many more to win. As lucky as I was to have Haley Rose she is so much luckier to be amongst those beautiful souls, for her soul since the day she was born was working overdrive to have created such a loving devoted spirit, with a pinch of spit and vinegar. She was just right and now the joy I find is in knowing that she is just right……..in heaven waiting for all of us to arrive, and serve us up some tea and m & m’s. I miss you my sweet pea, we all miss you baby girl, just know you are always in my thoughts my heart and in my mind, and forever you will stay, and although you see your sissy getting loved loved and loved, just know that those kisses and love are just as much for you as they are for her, someday I will explain. Love to you all and some new pics are coming. Keep looking they might even come today. WOW! Love Amber Keep writing we need your continued prayers and encouragement.

Thursday, July 14, 2005 8:39 AM CDT

Hello Everyone! Sorry for the great delay in getting to you all and updating you on life at the Minchella household. It has been hard and tiring. This past weekend we finally moved Hannah Grace into her sissy’s old room and cleaned out many of Haley Rose’s things. I even found two Pooh back packs still packed from our last hospital stay during the first two weeks of July, how ironic that a year later she is not here and we are remembering her through smelling her dirty socks, and finding a scent of her in a blanket she used to sleep with and smiling as we found her meowing kitty we have been looking all over for, and a year later Hannah is here, never a thought in our mind a year ago. I agree, that if you cannot find a new normal, life will find a new normal for you. This journal is my new normal, it is my connection to Haley Rose and it is my release for many of my thoughts and heartaches and joys, it is my rock, without it and our heavenly father this new normal I had no choice in would be one I would run from. We found paperwork from Toledo Children’s hospital that had her blood work and labs on it, this was a normal a year ago for Haley. It was dated July 12th. I had a hard time going through everything along with Patrick, we shed many tears and found some comfort in one another’s arms. Moving another child in this room is hard too, Hannah’s crib is Haley’s crib and it has not been back in this room since Haley’s diagnosis in winter of “03, we kept our precious baby close to us and kept an eye on her for fear she might accidentally pull her Broviac tubes out (these were used for Haley to receive meds, chemo and blood) if this were to happen she could of possibly bled to death. However, the crib ended up being a catch all and Haley ended up in the middle of Mommy and Daddy every night till she was too sick to move to our bedroom and we had to move to our couch in the living room with her. Moving Hannah in there with the crib has been hard but has also been a thing in this healing process that has been long overdue. When you lose a child you tend to hang on to any shred of them and her room although shared with her sissy’s was a place I could walk in and think of Haley. Even though it is rearranged and has a new face, I still walk in there and have my visions of Haley all over again. I will never forget the many mornings of waking up and hearing her on the monitor making noises and being our little monster and growling or singing, I would run to her door in the hopes that I would catch her before she got up, and many times I did and as I opened her door, I would hear her move and soon her big eyes and messy hair would emerge from between the spindles on her crib and she would pull herself up and reveal to me that wonderful cheesy crooked grin, that only meant how happy she was. Thank God for all her happiness, if not for that I could not have made it thus far. The rough part is knowing that I will never see her morning hair and eyes again, but on a more positive note Hannah’s eyes and smile are giving me a tingle as they are very much like her sissy’s it is quite riveting to see the resemblance, God knew I needed a little piece of her back so he blessed us with those resounding big blue eyes and long lashes once again. Although, I want Hannah to be Hannah and not Haley, that would be something I am not prepared to deal with or do I want, starting new is good for us, and as the glimpses and reminders of Haley pop up every now and then I remember that this little person is all uniquely her own.

I think Hannah is somewhere in the eleven pound range now, just a guess as her next appt is not for another week. She is getting heavier and clothes our fitting much more snug in the bootie and thigh area and under the neck and three chins and those permanent baby bracelets around her wrists are emerging as well. She is doing pretty well in her big girls room, she seems to sleep pretty well, although the last couple of nights have been a little rough. She is requiring more and more food as her little tiny twigs have become more like nice juicy pork chops and Lord knows I like to eat her up. She is cooing and talking baby talk and smiles so big at me and many times I find her just staring at me with her big blue eyes, just looking at this mommy of hers and making sure she sees every detail (oh Lord), I am finally updating photos of her as well. She is really changing now. Please keep us in your prayers as the weeks ahead are surely to be rough ones and as my black-eyed Susan’s are emerging it makes me remember my last days with Haley, she loved those flowers. Hard to believe a year has already come those flowers are soon to bloom and then another and another, I was talking with Kelly (Sydney’s mommy) and she said that it is still hard and sometimes harder after. Keeping their memories alive is a constant in our minds, our purpose is to remind, recapture and reinvent the many lessons and memories that they taught us and continue on with their mission that was cut to soon but at the brink of their little lives success is touching everyone’s lives in ways they were never able to know. Please keep writing and sharing how their stories still live on in your lives as it is a blessing to us to know their huge captivating spirits are still very much alive in all of our lives. Love to you all and keep writing WE need YOU ALL! Love Amber

Tuesday, July 5, 2005 10:15 PM CDT

Hello everyone! Thank you all so so much for all your love and continued support and prayers, June 28th has come and went and the pain as always has stayed and still lingers in our spirit everyday. However, we are trying very hard to remain focused on God’s intention for our sweet Haley Rose’s life and and the blessings many of us have received from it. I will tell you however, that days are very hard……As most mothers who have lost a child may tell you, you never stop loving and being a mom or parent to that child, you never stop worrying or wishing or flip flopping your emotions. I hate to even go here, but when have I ever not been bluntly honest with you all……never, I have always spoke from my heart. I follow so many caring bridge sites, and I find myself following them and thinking how God allows some to pass and others to stay and why is that? I get angry and hurt sometimes and find myself wanting to hear someone else going through what we go through. How terrible, I just cannot believe how selfish and odd that is, the only explanation I can come up with is pity, I pity myself. I don’t want to see others be saved if mine could not be sometimes, why if we can save one can we not save all of them. It totally aggravates my soul. These thoughts although cold as they may seem are part of the grieving process supposedly, but having them does not make you feel one bit nice. I find myself wondering did Haley have to die for me because of something I did, or could have done better? Did God want to prove a point? I know those answers, I know them, but I still question daily why. I cannot began to tell you how sad going there to see Haley on her birthday was, it was like a really terrible nightmare, like you find yourself going there to see her and it seems like it is not real, like this is all some kind of warped mirage of sorts, and someday soon it will all disappear and life will go back to normal. All the events leading to this point in time seemed to have somehow became blurry, the only clear thing is Haley is not here and I hate that she is not, I want her here and I want to see and hug and kiss her forever. I sometimes want to say to God I am her mommy, I decide when I say good bye. Then in my next frame of thought I realize how insane that is, for if God had not given me life Haley would not have had hers, whose right is it…..Gods. Have you ever imagined what it would feel like to bungee jump? I am sure just like the beginning of life it feels awesome and new and strong, and you feel that adrenaline raging in you pulsating through your body as you attempt to make decisions in this life all your own, then in an instant you throw yourself out there, taking a breathtaking view of how close to death you can get, and then all the sudden you survive, how absolutely eerie that is, that we would like to see fear even closer then God lets us see it in this world on a daily basis, as if that is not enough for us, always pushing always begging for more, we are nutz. Who gave us the right to pretend we actually have control, well I can tell you it wasn’t God that I know for sure. Like bungee jumping however, in this life we do get chances, a chance to make a different more informed decision then to just plunge to a questionable destination. I have learned that the hard way, life is so fragile so don’t throw it to the wind, on a whim that you will get a second chance to make a better decision, make it the best one the first time around and just maybe one life can be saved and changed over to God. I don’t know if this makes any sense to any of you, but as usual my brain works in mysterious ways, and sometimes I think God intends it that way. Sometimes in life as comfortably as we have it, we can offer a second chance to someone else who thinks that they have none, and reach out as Haley Rose did and offer something life changing for the better, the better alternative to living a life without fullness, a life without God. Haley was way beyond her years, thank you all for making her light shine a little more on her birthday, the candles represent so much of what she brought to us all. I will update again Thursday and will add photos. Love you all and stay focused on the target……………heaven. I have to keep reminding myself too. Love Amber.

Monday, June 27, 2005 11:01 PM CDT

Happy 3rd Birthday to my dear sweet precious angel Miss Haley Rose!!!!! I am in shock that only a year ago we were as normal as we could be and had no thought of where we could be as everyday was a picture perfect non reality check, we just lived in a moment I wished I could have back on this Upcoming day and everyday. I went out to see Haley this evening and was touched by many things. Before I left right before dinner Haley sent two little yellow birds right her at my left from my computer on the window sill looking in at me, I assume that they were Haley and Sydney taking on something with wings as they both loved things with wings birds and butterflies. Who knew how bittersweet that seeing those two very things would be the rest of our lives. She also helped me water her flowers while Hannah unexpectedly slept peacefully for the entire time so I could do my preparations for the big day with her out there, I went back to the van to check on Miss Hannah and Martina McBride’s song “In my daughters Eyes was on”, how fitting and how Haley to remind me of that. I brought scissors and trimmed her grass and I watered her flowers with four trips to the water pump, one for every year of her age and then of course one to grow on……boy would I have liked to see her three year old self right now, what a beautiful girl she would be. I also, listened to the song “Let them be little” by Lonestar. I bawled my tired eyes out. Haley made the sunset extra peaceful tonight as it should be the eve before her big day. I was thinking how breathtaking it would be tomorrow when I get up to jump in her bed and wish her a Happy Birthday and be greeted with her messy hair and surprised big blue eyes and a smile that seemed never to dissipate. I came home and Hannah stayed asleep long enough for me to read last years entries about Haley on this day, what a traumatic change of events. I bought her a card and some flowers and tomorrow I will take balloons and just as I said I would do placed three candles for each of her years out at her resting place, the scent was called “Angel Whispers”. Everything is perfectly set for tomorrow just as Haley would have liked things to look clean not messy, I even put a pop out there for her by her flowers, “Pepsi”, I am sure if she were here she would drink as many as she could on her special day. My little Pop Nazi!!!! I was inside my van on the way home crying and trying to stay focused when I looked in my rear view mirror and could of sworn I say Haley waving her hand to me, she had a special wave and for a split second I saw it. All these things and I cannot wait to see what she may send tomorrow.

Here is a small glimpse into what I felt three years ago at 1:20am on June the 28th . I had been in labor for several days and active labor for about a day and half, Haley finally decided to do a big ballet turn and started to descend her way down and out into this world, for the very first moment she became a part of this world the worry began, she came out and was placed on my chest so I could examine her and I did, I noticed so many things, her very large hands and feet, her pretty eyes and her already long lashes batting at me,her thick dark hair, the spitting image of daddy, and at the moment I said Hi she calmed right down as she knew she was safe. She was the rosiest most beautiful thing to me in all of creation, my feelings in a nutshell, broke the nut shell…..I was instantly a winner of the largest lottery, I felt love in a way I could never have dreamed, she melted my soul and heart into one large massive emotion. I could not believe it, I was this beautiful baby’s mommy, how fortunate she was healthy and seemingly pretty happy. Never in a million years did I ever imagine that I would celebrate her life in the way I must Tuesday. I did not name her till many hours later as the name Lexi that I had picked did not seem fitting for her face and her personality. I did not sleep one wink, I held her all night long looking at her. One thing I did do that hour she popped out of me was why later in her short life, she would call me silly mom, was I saw how her feet touched her shins and I asked the doctor if she would be able to walk ok, she said of course, us new moms can be so dumb….I stayed in the hospital the entire night just in awe of her, completely star struck. The beauty that laid before me was the story book I had dreamed she would be, but better way better. I watched her breathe in and out and squirm and take to my breast and thought how incredibly bright and amazing God is for doing something so unexplainable, nothing in this life explains the miracle of birth better then God doing it himself, allowing for something to transpire that no one could explain…..it is like he knew we would need this later in our life to sustain the questions of the world, a miracle cannot be explained, it is like hope, and faith, nothing in this world can replace it or explain it away only you and God hold on to the truth. My relationship with God strengthened even more in those moments with my precious Haley Rose. I became aware of the truth and that very thing can never be taken from you in this life or the next. As the next couple of days came and went, so did my sanity as a new mom with no real knowledge to go on and every indication of madness taking over, poor Haley had to be so relieved when her mommy finally got into her groove. She taught me so well. She made me such a better person in so many ways, she taught me patience and humbleness and to just chill out…..every moment with her was interesting and heart tugging, God knew she would be the perfect fit into our lives and that she was and still to this countdown to this birthday still is and always will be. Although the years ahead will not necessarily be the joyous ones I had hoped for they will surely be strengthened as my love for her does not hide or grow thin, it has all but exploded in size. I love her more every moment I think of her, ever tear I cry and every memory I feel of her. She is the twinkle in my eye and the brightness of my soul, she made me fill bigger more fulfilled and completely and utterly her slave for life. This one and the next. Yes, my love, my pain, my memories, Patrick Hannah and I are truly blessed and changed to have all of it the good the bad and of course in our world the beautiful. On this day as we all light our candles for Haley Rosey imagine how tickled she would be to see all the pretties as she would have called them twinkling for her down here as it reflects our view of her up there and the millions of other angels that fill up our sky every day and more vividly every night, I imagine she would be just as filled up of seeing the flickering lights that shine as she does and all of of the love that fills us must give her such inner peace and bring her tranquil spirit and uavoidable sigh. Say a prayer for all of us and hug your little ones and be grateful for the kiss you will get today from those you love and let that moment fill you with truth a little longer then usual and allow you to not just make it an act but a permanent ornament to hang on your heart. I love you all so much and appreciate you more than you could imagine and I thank God for every connection I have made with all of you and all the lifetime friendships I anticipate. Hope to see or hear from you this Tuesday. Love Amber and Patrick and Large “little “ Hannah Grace.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005 12:18 AM CDT

Hello Everyone!!!! Yes I am still alive…..in case you all were wondering, I have missed writing so don’t think I am done with it, actually, it has just been incredibly busy with Hannah Grace and thinking of Miss Haley and visiting with friends and family and so on and so forth. Here is the latest, Miss Hannah is now a whopping 9 lbs and almost 6 oz. And is now approx 21 ½” long. She is a tough little thing and has already rolled over from her back to her tummy, YIKES!!!!! She will lay on her tummy and hold her head up for several minutes as she lets her eyes and her little brain get stimulated by Hannahland stuff……….hmmmmmmmmmmmmm just like her sissy. She is the spitting image of Haley and nearly met her weight at this stage, Haley was 10 pounds and even though Hannah had a rough start I must say I am totally impressed and reminded how strong & tough Patrick and I make them. Her little body is as hard and muscled as her sissy’s, I think God blessed us with an Identical twin, wouldn’t that be a great story hmmmmmmmmm might have to write a novel about it. I am in awe again of my love for another child, I thought it impossible to hold another so dear and know that on this blessed Earth that this is as close as I can get to Haley these days and I am bathing in her sweet touches to mommy’s face just like Haley it gives me shivers just thinking about how little Hannah at such a young little age already knows what mommy needs from her and I know what she needs from me, our bond is truly unbreakable. She amazes me with those beautiful blue bright eyes and it is such a chilling reminder of her sissy’s, I know I shouldn’t compare but the comparison is a true miracle from God, he surely made her in the likes of her sissy in so many ways. I hold little Hannah and find myself squeezing her with all my love and getting teary eyed at how happy she makes me and how much I love my babies. A week from today is Miss Haley’s 3rd birthday and it is unbelievable how much change can happen in a year, how much hurt and pain and joy one can feel multiplied by a billion, I am still in shock of this blunt reality of mine and Patrick’s, how we will never be able to fully grasp her loss till we meet her again. How one can somehow find something to hang onto in the midst of tornado and not be completely demolished in spirit and in soul. You would think will all that we must face together and separately in our own individual mourning that we find it hard to face everyday with the strength and courage needed, but somehow God gives it to us, some days we fail and cry miserably and get mad at God and some days we grab a hold of hope again and realize how selfish we are being. The thought of my vision for Haley is fading how I wish I could view her in heaven and see her smile and eyes reassure me she is fine and I get so mad because she is still yet to visit me in my dreams…….She must be waiting for just the right moment, but Haley if you are listening to mommy ramble on and on then you know what to do my sweet pumpkin, so fly on down my little angel and wrap those feathery bright white wings around me and fill me with the warmth you get to feel everyday my sweet pea. (as Haley would have said all in one sentence Pleeze and thank you very much, she used to say it so fast and with such determination) As I remember her birthday please all of you come visit with her or with us as we need all the friendly faces amongst us on this day, we will be taking lots of balloons out to her and singing happy birthday to her next Tuesday, so drop by and do the same. If any would like to come Patrick and I decided to in honor of Miss Haley Rose to light candles for her, she was born at 1:20am, I will have one burning for her at that time and on the night of her birthday I will take some to her grave and do the same and also here at the house out on her memory bench as a reminder of the brightness she brought into this dark world and how now her light shines just as bright up in the sky, so this candle idea really makes sense and we would be honored if you all would do the same. We also decided to have a little cook out on the grill and remember her and just be surrounded by all the friends and relatives that we can. Please if you want to come just let us know and what time and give me an email or a call to let me know. And before I go here is a thought for the day… I read my devotion today and read something that hit hard, many times in this life we judge others, not necessarily intentionally but we judge and just the same in Gods eyes it is sin, he said to us that we should not judge others for we will be judged the same, What we say of others God will test us in these same ways. WoW!! Everyone of us in guilty in this area in some part of our lives, whether it just be when you are with friends and you feel the need to fit in so you agree to gossip or talk about someone who is not there to defend, or whether it be just an act of disregard for someone who may not be who you would otherwise hang with and that person needs reaching or is reaching out to you and you disregard this feeling or act, We must not forget “humility” and how God expects that from us, and to top it off, our job here on this earth, tho each one may be different our whole purpose is to reach out to others and embrace what they have to offer this world and cooky or different as it may be to us, to a lost soul they may look the same. Just a thought. Love to you all and you all need to write in the journal today!!!!! Love Amber

Monday, June 13, 2005 10:31 AM CDT

Hello Everyone!! Last week was sooooooooo crazy, I had to go through my closet and Patrick’s and get rid of clothes shoes and whatever else I could find that wasn’t used and take it to Lisa’s house for a garage sale as well as my mother visited a couple days and also the wedding of my cousin Jamie. It was hectic and yes I am glad it is all over so I can try to get everything else in my life back in order. So between the rush rush of everything I did not update the site. So here I am. Hannah is growing like crazy I am going to post some of her and a wedding pic so you can see we had some fun, we needed to and it was nice, my family went all out with Jamie’s wedding it was awesome. It will be a very hard one to top someday with Hannah, but that THANK THE LORD is way off. She is fitting into her newborn things instead of preemie clothes and now is growing quickly out of those and into 3-6, she has about three chins now and her eyes just like her sissy’s have multiplied in size. Along with that she has a hernia in her belly button so that to has multiplied in size, the doctor says because she is growing so fast, it is making it bigger but nothing to worry about, and if it doesn’t go down, you can always have it operated on, but no matter what the circumstance taking my child to a hospital is not really sounding fun, even if it is something minor. Any hoot, here we are. This weather is insanely hot, I mean why is it we always skip the wonderful spring and head right into summer, I hate it, I prefer 70 degree weather anyday over 90 degree.

We replanted flowers over at Haley’s place and it is much better her other pretty flowers did not make it as some frost got them a few weeks back. As Haley would have said messy, so we cleaned it up and got it looking a close to perfection as we could get with Haley Rose’s help. Hope you all will make a trip to fort meigs cemetery on her birthday to sing her happy 3rd birthday and blow her a kiss and give her a chime. It is on the west side of the cemetery by a perfect tree, you will see it from the road as a ceramic Pooh is there and it is a very attractive place. I cannot believe we won’t be celebrating it a little differently then this.

Yes, I went home and my friend Kristy watched miss Hannah Grace, she was so sweet to do this as it truly helped us to have a few hours to spend together and have some laughs and many smiles, we did however get pushed back into reality when my beautiful cousin Jamie had the dance with my uncle (her dad) and they played butterfly kisses, and Patrick and I kept thinking how we would have loved to have seen Haley in a wedding dress all beautiful on her way to a family of her own. Tears found their way out and we tried not to let it affect the rest of the evening but it lingered in our minds, the vision of what she would be like and look like kept wandering through my head. As hard as it is to let go of your daughter to a husband, at least it is not the end to dreams for her and a life that you will be a part of here on this Earth. It is just a new beginning, a new chapter for her. Oh how many more chapters I wish Haley’s little life could have had, and how wonderful a story she would have made. This is where it is so hard to understand God’s plan for your life, how he took her the way he did, why……yes that question still lingers and still beckons for an answer. I don’t know how many times I am asked it this your first baby with Hannah, and then I say “no” and then they go on to ask well how old is she , I say “forever two”, hoping that they will catch on, but then they ask is she happy to have a sister and what is her name, I say “yes, she is happy from heaven”, then I have to explain to them what happened , and I just feel terrible for them as they surely did not expect to hear that and how they apologize for it. Oh well, I guess it happens so others realize that things happen that we do not anticipate so therefore we had better be prepared. I am writing a download for church this week and it is due tomorrow, and I am writing on the topic of hope, one word I know all too well. I am including a summarization of Haley’s story, how do you summarize something so thick in emotion and so raw, I hope I am doing it ok, It is so important to me to not only get the power of hope across, but to also allow the reader(s) to take something away that otherwise they would not have. A little glimpse into a world no one wants to enter, but sometimes you just have no choice but to enter. Well, I will download some pics and I want to hear from all of you, some of you out there haven’t written in awhile and I want to hear from you.

One more thought, in today’s devotion it talks about us being an experiment to God, how interesting. Imagine him as a scientist, the grandest most intelligent of all, and he is working on each one of us, trying to mix the right concoction of life, heart and our faith. He is up there throwing things at us, testing us to see which one will make the most successful potion, the one who will lead instead of follow, guide instead of walk away, smile instead of stare, bring in relationships instead of block out, capture instead of let go, being positive instead of negative and most of all grow in him instead of being satisfied. Hunger is what he thirsts for, our hunger, the SINCERE desire that comes from trials and tribulations, and from standing instead of sitting on the powerful knowledge that he has given us to share. Love to you all and write and keep in touch. Love Amber

Wednesday, June 1, 2005 10:08 AM CDT

Hello Everyone!! WOW!! This past weekend and this week so far are just beautiful, the weather is so nice and it is so hard to stay in and do that all needed housework when it is so alluring outside. Yes, over the weekend their was beautiful rainbows on Saturday, they were the brightest most vibrant rainbows I have ever seen in all my life, I know our Angels were sending us their love from above with such a wonderful show of beauty. This past weekend was very enjoyable, the only little thing missing was my sweetheart to share it with. She would have so loved seeing friends and family and jumping on the new trampoline with her brothers and sissy. Yep, we got the kids a crazy trampoline. I have to admit I had fun jumping on it as well, it brought back memories from doing it when I was little younger and more flexible and a lot smaller. It was lots of fun being a kid though. Speaking of being a kid, yesterday I was walking up the sidewalk and as I got to the door, for some reason my head and my legs were on two different paths and I slipped on the step and landing on my knees and scrapped myself all up, my knees and ankles look like someone took some really rough sandpaper and ran it across them, What a Klutz!!! Thanks to my mother the apple does NOT fall far from the tree. Sorry mom it is true. On another note……Hannah is growing a ton, literally, she is very quickly becoming the Large Hannah I predicted her to be. She now weighs 7 lbs 10 oz. I know Holy Toledo, ha ha.
She is now 20 inches long and her head has grown as well. She is looking more fully cooked everyday. Oh yes, and now she is starting to smile from emotion rather than gas…….and what a smile it is. I am trying to get a pic of it, so hang tight. It is so big, even bigger then Haley’s……YIKES!! Haley must be so proud of her sissy, she would have just loved her so much and have been so protective of her. Thank God she is still protecting her just from a more beautiful location. Hannah is really making it hard on me though, she is looking so much like her sissy, it is really amazing. Now that the baby fat is adding weight to her the resemblance is so obvious. Haley’s birthday is the 28th of this month and it is already getting hard to imagine what a wonderful 3 year old she would have been. I am not quite sure what to do on this day, but being surrounded by people who love her would be wonderful, I am sure I will be visiting her as well. Please pray for strength for this day for us and for our entire family as it will be hard. Last year she was such a trooper on her birthday, she wasn’t feeling all to well, but to look at her you would have never known outside of her sweet bald head. She played and smiled and laughed like all other precious sweeties on their birthday. I really do not know how parents go on without their little ones, but somehow you do, but you don’t go on the same, you go on completely changed and it is like a permanent weight tugging on your heart all the time. You all may think I am silly but the other night I was thinking about the day and I was thinking about the trampoline and I was thinking how similar a trampoline is to our relationship with God, hang in there with me now. Seriously, if you have ever looked at a trampoline or have been on one, you know how you jump and feel free in the air and how each time you jump you get higher and higher and feel more free, I thought how identical that is to Gods love, when you grab a hold of it you feel free, and as you trust it and embrace it you feel more and more free. Like a trampoline when your life brings you down Gods love brings you back up again and as you continue to embrace that, each time you go down that love gets stronger and stronger till that down time doesn’t hurt as much because you realize the truth. Another thing I noticed is that the material that is used to make a trampoline is so strong, just like the material God gives us in our life from the bible to learn and the experiences in which to learn them, like the material, it holds you up an allows you not to fall through to the bottom, it gives you hope that God will catch you before you hit the bottom again, that hope sustains you and gives you the faith to go on to live fully again. Just like a trampoline, God knows that you will go down but from there, you will always be brought up again. An interesting comparison but as I went to sleep the other night the analogy was given to me and I assume it was for a reason so here is it is. It as always opened my eyes to another lesson that God teaches us when we listen. Have a wonderful week and spend lots of time with your little one outside in this beautiful weather, those memories will last forever. Love Amber.

Monday, May 23, 2005 10:43 AM CDT

Happy Monday Everyone!!! I guess a new start to a week can kind of be refreshing for some and dooming for others, funny how a simple viewed opinion can make or break a happy mood for the week ahead. You know me deep thought…..Yikes! Well, this weekend was a pretty nice weekend, the weather for the most part was very nice. Saturday was beautiful, actually it was perfect. The temps were perfect the wind was perfect, the amount of sunshine was perfect……if only we could keep cloning it. Hannah was a little twerp this weekend. She is starting to make her presence more known to all of us, she cries a little more now and a little louder, and she , yes I am afraid to report is SPOILED!!! She likes to be held constantly, because I am constantly holding her, now she has come to the conclusion that this wonderful lovely thing should never end ,while her eyes our open at least. You know what the funny thing is …….I don’t care, I will spoil her all I want and just as I did with her sissy, I will love her without any limits. Poor thing, someday this will come back to haunt me, but you know something, I welcome it, I would give anything to have those days again with her precious sissy Haley Rose. We worked on Haley ‘s bench outside this weekend, in our back yard is a bench that our wonderfully thoughtful neighbors have given us for the memory of Haley and we worked hard on landscaping it this weekend. Hannah sat in the stroller and squeaked and squeaked, Haley was probably laughing in heaven. You know what is so weird, is that I think of Haley m ore and more now, I know that sounds bizarre, because I have thought of her all the time, but now, I just cannot stop at all. Loving another baby like her is wonderful and awful all the same, it feels like my heart has got two little people in there , one on either side of my heart one pulling one way and one pulling the other. If only the two could hold hands and play together. I smell Hannah’s head and think of smelling Haley’s too, I kiss Hannah’s little tiny smelly toes and I think of Haley’s bigger smelly toes and of all the times I would pretend to faint when I smelled them and how Haley would laugh at me and put her foot up for me to do it all over again. It is crazy. You know though it really isn’t, because every mother or father thinks about their other babies when loving another, and those thoughts go through their head of when the other was this age, the only difference is the reality that my other baby is not here with me, and all I have are those memories, and how sad to relive them over and over and over again, knowing that their will come a day when I cannot compare the two when Hannah reaches the ages Haley was never able to reach, then it will be a different type of sadness and mourning. The only thing I know for sure is, that no matter what pain I have to face , I know that I have God to help me through. I have God to make sense of the unexplainable, and someday, I will be reunited with her, and all this will be forgotten. As I was reading my devotional today, it talked about how God told us to “abandon”, I know it seemed weird at first to me too, but as I read , I figured out what it meant, he was talking about how the worse thing we can do is to worry or carry our pain a little to highly on the priority list, for this is the worse kind of infidelity we could bring on, he said basically that worrying can do nothing and it also tells God we do not trust his word to us to take care of us and protect us and carry all our burdens as he so plainly told and promised us he would. We tend to make mountains out of mole hills sometimes and in doing that we not only hurt ourselves and those around us but we also hurt God. Wow, hurting God doesn’t sit real well with most, because in your mind you see how selfish hurting him really is, and how unselfish he taught us to be. How unintentionally we do things that just plain don’t make sense and get us no where. My biggest lesson through all this has been to be more and more thoughtful and not be thoughtless. If we really try everyday we can rise above the weak demeanor we may find ourselves in and become the beacon of light we are really meant to be, finding a purpose instead of a problem to wrap ourselves in. Isn’t interesting how we can really step into the world of reality television and totally be consumed, it is because we see ourselves in the characters and we then don’t have to look at ourselves and find fault or wrong, but we can look with ease at these characters and find how they should improve or do things differently, but when it comes to facing the all seen mirror of ourselves we are blurred . Something to ponder on…….YIKES! The plain truth is we can always find room for improvement in our life and in our hearts, and in doing that we take one step closer to getting to see those pearly gates of heaven someday and joining all those sweet beautiful souls that went before us for the grandest celebration. What a day that will be !!! Hate to miss out on that moment…….the visual……….Imagine ………If you could place yourself in your mind in the brightest light you could imagine you feel the warmth……Now imagine it ten trillion times more abundant…..imagine a choir….singing songs of praise and the hollow echo of pure voice with no other instruments just voice……Now imagine it 100 trillion times more great and perfect. Imagine a hand reaching out to you to carry you to your eternal home…….this hand will seem so welcoming, so familiar, so grand, and as you follow the hand to the arm to the shoulder to the neck to the face and as you gaze into those eyes…….imagine ……imagine how much we can see in those eyes and how those eyes hold all the love of the world and beyond, what a treasure, how priceless, how unforgettable…….Now imagine that moment ten gazillion times more grand. Our Imagination doesn’t even begin to touch what our eternal life will be……..IMAGINE!!!! Hope this brings you some hope and some purpose today. Love to you all and keep writing. Love Amber.

Thursday, May 19, 2005 8:16 AM CDT

Well, it has been a couple days so here is the latest. Hannah is growing by leaps and bounds and squeaks, she is still squeaking and making the funniest noises. All night last night she kept mommy and daddy up squeaking away at some tune we did not understand. It was funny, daddy was trying to cover his head with the blanket and pillow so he could sleep. I too was enjoying my earplugs……you can hear her through them it is just a little less loud. I wear them not for Hannah but for her daddy, yep he snores…he would kill me if he knew I told you, but I didn’t want you all to think I was crazy for wearing them. We are like old farts already…he he.

Yesterday was a very difficult day for me though emotionally, I was thinking constantly about Miss Haley as I do everyday, several times a day when it just hit me all over again. You know the way we survive is really crazy, it seems like some days you just get through somehow, like as long as you don’t let the reality sink in, you can make it without completely breaking down and sobbing gigantic tears and then other days, the reality completely takes it toll and comes crashing down on you. So many days I just wish she were here and cannot face the fact that she is not, so many times I see her playing with her sissy and helping me change her diaper and put lotion on Hannah just as I did with her. I can just see her pounding on my shower door when I am taking a shower ( she used to do this everyday, she would smile and mommy would bend down and give her a kiss through the shower door, and she would laugh and we would do it all over again), I see her pulling the lint out of the dryer as she always did and helping me put the wet clothes in. I see her getting ready to go shopping and finding those all important shoes that matched her all important outfit and getting excited to go out shopping with mommy. I see her swinging on the swing outside and laughing her famous belly laugh. As I go around every corner the feeling of wanting to see her bright smiling face never leaves me. It is a constant, everywhere you turn of the vacancy of her spirit and life is so big, no matter how many children you have after, that love and adoration for the other never leaves you ever. I am truly blessed by God to have received another beautiful daughter to love and to adore, but I am also very fearfully aware of how life is so fragile and so short, and you shouldn’t take any of it lightly. I know the same old message. But as I know, everyday we need to be reminded just how short life is, and to humble ourselves before God daily. Keep praying for strength for me and Patrick and for all those sweet wonderful parents out there that have also lost a precious child.

Today I was thinking a lot about friendship, I was thinking about what makes a friend and about how you become friends. My devotional was talking about this subject and it really made me think and evaluate not only my friendships with others but how important good friends are and how those few good ones can really give you something you rarely find. A good friend never lets you down and is always there when you need them no matter the day, the time, the hour. A good friend is one who you can pick up the phone or stop by unexpectedly and it seems as though no time has passed and you instantly feel like you can start where you last left off. No distance can break a good friends bond to you and no voids in time can erase the strength in which you are friends. It seems like where you end they begin and you can tell them anything and feel a trust that is truly immeasurable. A good friend is very hard to find, but when you do you should hang on tightly and never forget how fortunate you are to have that kind of person in your life, because when they are not there, the silence of that void can never be filled as easily by anyone else. Life, marriage, children, do not make friendship easy at times but if that friendship is a good one, no walls can be to tall and no winds can break that sail, so hold on to your dear good friends and know how precious they are and never take them for granted. A true friend is not measured by what they give to you but what they bring in addition to what you already have and how they fit perfectly in your life as if they were never not there. Call a friend today and tell them how much they mean to you. I know I have to do it too. Take care and have a wonderfully blessed day!! Love Amber

Friday, May 13, 2005 1:35 PM CDT

Hello Everyone! Well, I hope all of you are doing well, and are enjoying the beginning of a very warm week. Ok I was ready for this weather, but now that it means I have to shed more clothing, um, I change my mind, I have work to do before that happens, YIKES!!! HA HA. Large Hannah may not be that large but mommy has taken over that adjective for her. She is however, putting on more weight. We went to the doctors yesterday and yes Mini-Hannah is now becoming closer and closer to the large Hannah that I predicted she would be. She now weighs 5 lbs. 11 ½ oz. She is gaining over an ounce a day which is terrific. She also has grown in length 1 ½ in. She is such a cutie pie.

On Wednesday, we went to Miss Haley Rose’s grave and planted beautiful flowers at Ft. Meigs Cemetery all around her little area and her tree. It is beautiful, I am going to post some pics of it for you all to see. Please come by sometime and visit with her she would just love to have more visitors. Hannah sat in the stroller while me, her Grandma and her Uncle Mike all planted a beautiful bunch of flowers for our precious girl. Mothers day was hard, so thank you to everyone who sent me their love and prayers on that day.

I was reading my devotions and it talked about how we need to take the initiative when it comes to God. It is always easy to give it all to him and do nothing but wait. This is all good, but we cannot expect God to give us our character or our decision making sense, that all is something we must do, we forget at times how to do what we know is right, we forget how to focus on being a part of the solution instead of part of the problem. I know how you feel, when things get overwhelming and you feel like just giving up and pretending it away, but then all that stuff creeps up again and snatches our happiness, God doesn’t want us to hurt, he doesn’t want us to worry, he just wants us to love and live as right as we can, and be that beacon of light that we all are everyday. Seems simple enough but it is not always easy, unlike the Staples commercials we don’t have an easy button in life to push. We must just work through it and eventually we make it out on the other end. Try not to let the past or present hold you back, push forth and have faith and soon taking the initiative will come back to you in a way you never expected. Kind of like Patrick and I, we never asked for our daughter to get cancer, let along a type that has no cure or no real positive end, but through that test and that inevitable tug of war with winning and losing, we always strived to win, and in the end we did, in losing our precious Haley Rose, God gave us a little package that may have never arrived if Haley were still here. We never wanted to lose one to gain another, but in our faith and in our taking the initiative to have another one, despite the fear of loss again, we were blessed. See God is just waiting to bless us, he tests us over and over, we fail over and over, but her never gives up on us, he is always there, guiding us through……just waiting for us to acknowledge him and take his hand, and in spite of our ignorance he does not give up, there he is at this moment reaching his hand out to us………waiting. Keep praying for us and as always I tell Miss Haley Rose to watch over all of us and send down her bountiful blessings of love. Have a delightful weekend. Love Amber

Friday, May 6, 2005 11:29 AM CDT

Hello Everyone!! We went to the doctors today and Little Hannah has gained some more weight she is now 5 lbs. 3 oz., the prayers are working because she is certainly becoming healthier and healthier. God is Good, all the time. She is changing looks already so I am posting some new pics of her for you to view. We all agree that now that she is putting on some more weight she is looking more and more like her sissy. She is such a sweetheart. I cannot seem to get enough of her, she always makes me smile and she always makes my heart go pitter patter all the time. A smell of her head could just make my day. All the things I have so missed doing with her sissy I am so enjoying giving to her in such abundance.

She is really making life without her sissy a little easier to bear, But the funny thing is I really feel like Haley is right here with us all the time, helping us and sending us little sprinkles of joy and love. Hannah cracks me up, she makes the funniest faces and is already starting to make more noise, oh yeah, no more miss quiet, she is making her presence known a little more each day. She now wails when she is hungry and instead of sounding like a new born kitty she is sounding more like someone stomped on her toes. She is also squeaking all the time, this is a familiar thing since her sissy squeaked also, I almost think that in order to grow they must squeak at will. She is also stretching her little body, this is funny because all the sudden you will see a hand fly up in the bassinet and following that you will hear her little squeaks. She also is lifting her head up on her own, yeah I know she is highly advanced, but we should expect nothing less, as her sissy was always surprising us in this way as well, she also is crawling up on us, and kicking us hard with her feet, she is really strong for being so tiny, our little mighty mouse!! She is going to bring so many new little adventures, I cannot wait to start writing about them. God knew just what we needed and as usual he provided. I have to say that this Mothers
Day will be sad in one way but joyous in another, and I know Haley sent Hannah early to serve the joyous part as a gift from her. My little Angel Haley Rose is so very much a part of me, and I as sad as I am for losing her, am so happy to have known her and to have loved her on this earth, even though it was short, I would take it any day over not having known her at all. She made me a wonderful mother, and a better person, she was definitely God’s special gift to me.

So keep up the prayers and may all you Mother’s have a wonderful day Sunday and take a moment to be truly thankful for what being a Mother truly means and how lucky we are to have that ability to own that name. Mother means much more then we even realize, just look in those precious babies eyes and there is what you have made. God bless you all and keep writing. We love you all very much!!!

Monday, May 2, 2005 8:03 AM CDT

Hello everyone! Glad to hear from all of you, hope to see you all as well. We are home bound so visitors are welcome. We have to keep her away from germies and no sick people....she is so tiny that she could get real sick if she got a common cold or something. We are used to this kind of thing, as with Haley Rose, we were anti-germ freaks as well. So when you come don't be alarmed if I ask you to smother yourself in germ-x!!! he he. I am trying to catch up on my z's but that is hard for me cause I sleep better at night then during the day unless someone hit me over the head with a hammer, then maybe I could sleep in daylight hours. Don't get any ideas! :) We are all doing really good. We love Hannah like crazy and we are constantly kissing and hugging and smothering her all the time, and that all to familiar baby smell just makes me melt into her. She is really funny, she makes the funniest faces, no joke, I mean funny, like old lady faces and her lippies get all wrinkly and she squints her eyes, and man when she yawns the whole world could fall in there. :)!!! yep she is really special. Patrick and I are as you can probably imagine struggling more with Haley though. I guess, having Hannah around her sometimes only helps us remind ourselves that Haley isn't. Many times we cry, usually the other cries when the other is strong, which is probably good for poor Hannah, at least one of us is always sane for her. Truly we will never stop missing Haley, and have found ourselves calling Hannah Haley on many occasions. It is something we will always be missing in our lives, Haley Rose's presence was so huge and so large, she just seemed to fill any empty space if not by her presence by her personality. Don't get me wrong we are so grateful for Hannah and we know as she develops her little personality, she will help to fill many voids. The problem is that I cannot stop thinking of what she would be doing today, and just how beautiful she would have been. How I miss those big blue dreamy eyes and her little voice saying "silly mom", all those little quirky things are constantly battleing for my attention. I do know that she is here and she is protecting us along with God, and that with those two on my side and all the other sweet angels up there, we are sure to get through everyday. When we were in the hospital when Hannah was having trouble stabalizing her surgars in her blood because she was so tiny. Patrick and I were so scared and had this pit in our tummies re-ignite. The day we heard the word cancer in our baby Haley started re-entering our minds. I started to break down emotionally, you see all day Saturday after she was born, I only had about a half hour with her before they took her NICU, so I hadn't seen her hardly at all and it just felt scary, like you had made it through a tornado and then you were left with nothing. I hated it, and then on top of that, I just needed my time to hold her and kiss her and love her and let her know mommy was here. Well, anyways, at that emotional moment when I just couldn't take it anymore, and the doctors were concerned with her blood surgars and were considering keeping her possible in NICU, I felt like my heart was breaking even more, like how was that possible. Right then we knew that we needed to pray, so my mom,Patrick and I sat together on the bed and I prayed that God would protect her and help her and us and the doctors and nurses to somehow stabalize it and allow her to be ok. About 20 minutes later the doctors came in with a new plan. They were going to check her surgars before she ate and as long as they stayed above 50 she would not have to have her foot poked with a razor again and have them squeezing it to get a vile of blood out. (her poor feet were bruised and cut up, it was awful) God made it work, because her surgars never went below 50 again and she maintained an average of 70+ so we were cleared. So remember when you feel on the verge of falling into that black hole, remember to stop and pray your way through that moment and God will help you through. We have had no problems since then and her weight and color are awesome, the doctors said she was the healthiest little premie they had ever seen. I posted some pics with her eyes open so you can see. They are still that no color yet, but I looked and they look like Haley's did before they turned blue, pray for blue. It would only be right. Love to you all and keep writing and come and visit.

Thursday, April 28, 2005 4:46 PM CDT

Hello Everyone! Wow, this is going to be a long update so hang in there. We are now as you all know proud parents of Miss Hannah Grace and always and forever Miss Haley Rose. So many emotions run through my mind, it is really amazing. Today Hannah is five days old and we took her to the Doctor’s today and found out she weighs a whopping
4 lbs. 8 oz. When we left the hospital on Monday she was 4 lbs. 2 oz. So in just three days she has gained 6 oz. Go Hannah!! She is so tiny and delicate and I cannot wait to post some pics of her, so bare with me hopefully this weekend we can post some, I will let you know. Last night I wrote what I was feeling down, as I lay awake for the fifth night in a row.

Hannah has already brought so much joy and healing to our hearts. Love takes on so many faces and it can surprise you when you least expect it. Hannah although she will never replace my love for Haley, she does bring a whole new element of love into our lives. She is a completely different soul, with completely different emotions of love. In a way I think God knew we needed someone like “Little” Hannah instead of another Haley, he knew that he could never replace Haley Rose, but in her place he could send a precious Hannah Grace, he knew that we needed another chance at love, another opportunity to fully devote ourselves to another little one all her own in identity and strength and purpose, He knew exactly what we needed and it was Hannah. She just fits perfectly in our hearts and in the palm of our hands. I smell her little head full of hair and remember how lucky I am to have her and how lucky I am to be able to be her mother and provide for her the love and support and guidance as I did Haley. To build another beautiful soul all her own. When “little” Hannah arrived it was truly bittersweet, when they placed her on my chest and I looked her over to see that everything was perfectly in place, she looked at me with those sweet eyes and blinked and blinked herself to this reality she was now in. She immediately got a hold of my finger with her little tiny precious hand and squeezed so tightly, I instantly was filled with a warmth of love and adoration, I knew in that moment that Haley was there in this room with us and she was using her sissy to remind me of the many moments she also squeezed my hand, to let me know that she loved me still and she will love me always, and in her place is her sissy. Haley used to hold my hand constantly, even when I was driving, she liked to hold hands, and so did I, it was this bonding moment every mother cries over and permanently places in her mind as the most precious sweet moment in your life, a moment you draw on in times of weakness and hold dear in times of sadness. I knew that moment when she did that was one of those moments I will never soon forget. Only Haley would know how to tug at her mommies heart strings in that way, and she already, in her sissy’s first few seconds in this world was teaching her sissy her strong lesson of love 101. Hannah is so amazing, just like Haley she is a observer, she looks around taking everything in all around her, and she will stare at you for the longest time. Everything about her is so tiny, it is like playing with your childhood dolls, only to find it has a heartbeat and a cry like that of a kitty cat that is just born. Her features are simply amazing, she has cute little eyes , a hard perfect little nose, cute rosy cheeks (all four of them), a cute smile, yep it was a smile that resulted in gas, but none the less it was cute, and a chin that just fits so perfectly on her face. Holding Hannah feels so good. In every moment I feel Haley too, I see a flashback of her in my mind and then I am on the verge of tears. In the hospital as I lay there in those all to familiar hospital beds I thought of the last time we were here and how Haley laid there next to me in this bed, and how she cuddled with me and how I found myself waking up in the middle of the night just to stare at her as she lay sleeping. How proud and how full of love I felt, looking at her angelic face and looking at every detail of her face and memorizing it, I loved sleeping with her, she was like a translucent angelic soul, laying there next to me, I would just melt away in my love and adoration of her. I broke down in tears thinking of it, and seeing those all to familiar hospital meals that Haley barely ever ate, she preferred her McDonalds. It was hard. Then my mom jumped in bed with me and we put Hannah in the middle of us, and without saying it we both knew who would have loved to be there in that bed with us. I always dreamt of that moment , seeing Haley with her sibling, and how amazing it would be for a parent to see their two little miracles together. That moment, what a moment it would have been. All the love in the world could not fill me more then the love I feel for my two girls, no amount of money or things could ever fill me more then what they do. Love is so deep, it deserves a greater meaning. I look at Hannah in those ways and it just breaks my heart, knowing how much love you have, and how much love you can give and how in one second your life can forever change, it really makes you scared. I keep envisioning what Haley would be doing to help mommy and how she would try to make sure her sissy was taken care of. I hear her saying “my sissy”. Having another little soul in our home is so nurturing to our souls, Patrick and I seem to have adjusted well to it, despite the inevitable loneliness you feel for your other child, somehow her spirit and love remains here and now added to it, is Hannah. Describing to you all in words how I feel would be inadequate, words cannot always reach your feelings, and in those times you just have to look deep and you see it, you see what I am feeling. One thing now I can tell you is motherhood, it has taken on a whole new meaning for me, I take one day at a time, instead of pushing, I take in, instead of dreaming, I live, instead of hoping, I love. Every feeling is magnified now, every emotion is highly stimulated, I feel I am living as everyone should live…..in this precious moment, the only one we are guaranteed. For some unknown reason God brought us through to this point and he will continue to do that for Patrick and I and for Hannah. He allowed things to happen and if I could have seen the future I never would have guessed what all has transpired, I never would have imagined losing so vigorously the fight to save Haley and then in eight short months to be blessed with another girl. Never would I have imagined how all this could make me stronger and make Patrick and I closer and deeper in our marriage. Never in a million years would I have believed any of this. So remember that in an instant life can be altered and in that moment of alteration where does your faith lie? That is the test here, that is what God needed for us to hear, where do you really turn when you are broken, and in that brokenness, where do you look for direction. God’s Grace was given to us through baby Hannah, he delivered to us another miracle to hold onto, another hand to hold, head to smell, and life to mold. Thank God for miracles. I Love you all and keep writing, soon pics will follow. Love you all so much. Amber. Come visit us soon.

Sunday, April 24, 2005 1:09 PM CDT

GUESS WHAT???????????

Miss Hannah has arrived! Hannah Grace Minchella was born at 5:13 AM on Saturday, April 23, 2005 at Toledo Hospital. "Large Hannah" weighed in at a whopping 4 lbs. 4 oz., 18 inches long. Even though she is a tiny little thing, the doctors say she is perfectly healthy, she just needs her mommy to fatten her up!! Mommy & Hannah should be coming home from the hospital on Tuesday. Amber also said that they think she was actually only about 34 weeks, so we all need to praise the Good Lord that Hannah was fully developed & healthy. They had a little scare with her blood sugar yesterday, but all is well.

I know we are all so anxious to see what this angel looks like, so Amber wanted me to tell all of you to check www.growingfamily.com, and click on Web Nursery. Her picture was just taken today, so it may be awhile before it's on there. In Amber's words, she "looks like Hannah". She also said she resembles her baby pictures, so it looks like this one is going to look like Mommy. (LUCKY kid!!!)She has dark hair, and beautiful coloring, and she is just a little peanut, according to Amber. I'm sure all of you, just as I have, could only imagine what the moment was like when they put this little angel in her mommy's arms. Amber said it was very emotional, very special, & there wasn't a dry eye in the room! When they laid Hannah on her chest, Hannah immediately grabbed on to Mommy's finger.

I know, I know, I got the chills when she told me that!!!

Well, just keep praying for this very special family, and give praise to God for Hannah's safe arrival.

Love to all,
Kristy

Thursday, April 21, 2005 7:18 AM CDT

Happy Birthday Sydney Welch, she would have been 2 today! Please pray for her mommy Kelly and her father Charles. As you all know this is not and easy day, but it is a day of remembrance of the birth of her life and the beginning of many lessons learned from her and her Journey with us, even though it was way to short lived. We miss her and love her very much, and I am honored to have met such a beautiful girl and know that she is in heaven with my beautiful Angel Haley Rose. These days are never going to be ones that we forget or that we don’t think about. So please pray for them today and send some kisses and hugs up to heaven for all of those sweet Angels.

On another note, I went to the doctors yesterday to see what was going on, because I was having some more contractions and was a bit nervous as to what that meant. My doctor told me that I am still dilated the same and effaced the same, but that my contractions may change that as they are getting more frequent and more regular. Plus when I was in there Hannah was freaking out contracting and moving down. Her head is down and she is definitely ready to make her entrance. Last night was more intense and today I will see how frequent they continue to be and will let you all know. She is a lot like her sissy so far, determined, tough and has a mind of her own. Keep us in your prayers as well, as this day of her arrival is getting closer. My friend Kristy will be updating the site when the action gets beyond our home, until then I will keep staying strong and dealing with the pains she brings. Love to you all and cannot wait to hear from all of you. Love Amber

Monday, April 18, 2005 7:45 PM CDT

Hello Everyone! Just wanted to let you all know the big events of the day. On top of the beautiful weather, I went to the doctors today because this weekend I was having some pretty intense contractions, and come to find out I am 1 ½ centimeters dilated and and 50% effaced!!!!!! And we all know that that means things are going to be happening a lot earlier then May 15th or May 26th. So it is in the determined little hands of Miss Hannah and her sissy Miss Haley Rose. I think those two are already working together to make things happen. Just as Haley, Hannah has got a mind of her own. What a day!

Yikes, I am really ready and also really freaked out. I kept thinking she would be coming soon, but now that I know for sure she is making her decent it kind of puts me in panic mode. I am ready for her anytime, but am so emotional in so many ways. Today I was crying and shaking cause I missed Haley and wished she was here to share in the anticipation and pat mommies tummy and say Baby Hannah! I just know how great she would be and what a helper she would have been. I am a nut. I am nervous, scared, completely excited and thrilled to meet her. What can I say, right now I would be the perfect candidate for psychological help. No one is perfect so I am not any exception to the rule.

I look forward to hearing from you all and right now I will keep you posted on any changes as I can and keep you informed of when you all need to visit. I want to hear from everyone so keep up the writing. I love you all and miss you all so much. Thanks for following it is so much appreciated. Keep the prayers coming. Love Amber

Monday, April 11, 2005 9:35 AM CDT

Good Morning Everyone! Thank you all for your encouraging words and prayers. I feel them all the time. This weekend was pretty good, We had Patrick’s kiddos so we went to the zoo and had a picnic and then went to church. Sunday was nice we had family come and visit and it was so nice to see them and spend some good quality time with them. So all in all the weekend was real nice, weather and all. I hope all of you enjoyed the nice sunshine and were able to take a breather to relax in it all. Well, the days are nearing till we meet Haley’s long awaited sissy and yes I will let you all know exactly when it happens. I expect some visitors as all of you have helped me through all this. I am sure all of you would like to meet her as well. I will be posting photos of her and journals as I can and as I have with little Haley Rose. It seems like this journal has become something even more powerful then I had ever imagined, not only for me but for Haley’s purpose. It gives me something to hang onto of her, and a place where I can share freely of my many many thoughts of her and memories. Thank you for continuing to follow and write to me, I love to hear from all of you.

My belly is extruding farther and farther out now and Large Hannah is having a harder time maneuvering around in there, so now I get the foot jabs in the ribs and sides of my abdomen. I love that little foot of hers. I cannot wait to kiss it and hold it. I have as you all know felt weird about loving another child, like in a strange way that means I am moving on and forgetting Miss Haley Rose. I am trying to remain calm and not get myself to worked up about it, but I don’t want her to ever be forgotten and I don’t want to ever stop loving her and missing her. As strange as it seems to most of you, that is a fear that weighs heavy on any parents conscience when you have lost a child, because Lord knows if they were here living the long life they should have there is no way anyone would forget about them. As each day passes it is like an eternity has gone by for me, it feels like someone has pulled her away from me at times and she keeps getting farther and farther away, kind of like a large ocean is between you and your baby and your try to swim towards her but the waves keep you from doing so, it is emotionally exhausting at times. I keep thinking how God knows more than me and he understands my heart and is healing it as we speak, but then I just think why could it not of turned out differently. Oh how I wished it would have, I just know how extremely wonderful she would have been on this Earth for all of us and how many lives she would have further touched and changed. The why’s just keep coming and keep trying to confuse me at times. I am pregnant and my emotions and brain are certainly not normal, but I know that these feelings and emotions will be in my life always when it comes to Haley. I know that every time I see a child I will see her in them, or every time I see a bird, I will hear her say “birdies where are you”, every time I see Hannah I will be reminded of what I no longer have with Haley Rose and what it would have been like to see her standing next to her sissy, holding her hand and helping her. So many times I will be sad and that is surely not right. I fight on though, knowing God will keep blessing us in ways he otherwise could not. I just hope that when I see her again I can start where we left off and rebuild the little life I had all planned out for her. I hope she will remember me and remember all the times I tried to save her and I hope she knows how much my love for her has only grown and become more powerful. I hope she touches my face gently again and holds my face in her hands as she did many times and looks into my eyes with those brilliant blue eyes and the feelings we share are melted into each of our hearts all over again. I know it sounds morbid but I cannot wait to meet her and hold her tightly so tightly and feel her arms so sweetly around my neck as I lift her up and embrace her for eternity. I will long for that day. You know that song “ I can only imagine”……I can only imagine what beauty she will possess and what she will show me in heaven. I can only imagine all the things she will want to show me as she pulls me around in heaven by her delicate long fingered hands, all the sights she will show me all the memories we will relive. As I sit here in this life, I will keep imagining that moment, that day that we meet again. So Haley Rose as you wait for me honey just know that even though I cry, it is because I love you so deeply, and even though I love your sweet sissy it is because you taught me to love her that way, and even though years will pass and it appears as though mommy is moving on, just know that I am moving on as you inspired me to do, and as I do every moment and thought and memory of you will be moving on with me, your sweet soul, is forever a part of mine, and I promise that one day I will tell you all about it, as we run and play in heaven together my sweet angel…mommy loves you forever and ever. Love to you all and have a blessed Monday. Love Amber.

Thursday, April 7, 2005 1:43 PM CDT

Yesterday was a rough day for me. At around 10:30 in the morning my neighbors who put money together to provide a marble bench in memory of Haley Rose came over to deliver it to us. I have to say that seeing that sweet little bench in the back yard outside our bedroom window nearly knocked the wind out of me. I have tried to stay strong but no matter how strong of a person you are at times, you easily can be on the reverse just as quick. It is beautiful. It is a rose marble stone and on it says: Haley Rose Minchella
A smile
A hug
A tear
Laughter
Together again we will be ever after.

This is from a poem I had written called “Home Sweet Home”, I had written it for a family member when they lost a loved one and who knew that later I would not only be using it for my daughters headstone but for a memory bench as well. Regardless, it says what I feel. When I read the entire poem I can hardly believe that is my child who went before me. Not the way I had planned. As the neighbors left and I stood alone out there staring at her bench, I just bawled, I felt like someone had reached in my heart and ripped it out, I felt that empty feeling I felt the day she slipped away from her favorite spot on our couch in the living room and went to heaven. The feeling that seems to creep up more then you would like at times. I came inside to try to compose myself, but it wasn’t in the cards, Her love and presence seemed so far away but I knew she was probably there protecting me because about a half hour later I spoke to another sweet mom who had also lost her daughter and who also received a memory bench from our neighbors. We both knew what the other was feeling and immediately God started working at letting us know we are not alone. Our conversation had so many similarities and it just really blessed my soul. Later in the evening I went back out to see her little bench and before I could even begin to cry another neighbor of ours came over and spoke to me for about an hour. I know God and Haley were just helping me by sending me angels all day yesterday to help me through, and I am so honored to know that even when I doubt him, he is there. Patrick and I sat out there and talked last night as the day came to an end and talked about Haley Rose and her memories. I don’t know how I would survive if it weren’t for his ability to openly talk about what is on his heart. He is so special and this whole experience has brought a whole new element to our relationship and whole new love for one another. Haley is definitely working her angel dust up there and making sure we get a sprinkle every now and then. I have put the poem on here for you to read. I love you all and will talk to you later. Love Amber

Home Sweet Home

Well mom, you see, it is time for me;
To let go of you temporarily.
You have given me all the gifts I possess;
In hopes that I may never have to have less.

You have held me in your arms as an infant,
Played with me as a child
Guided me as a teenager,
And shared with me as an adult
But you see mom, you have done all you can do
You have loved all of me through and through.
Now it is time that you receive ,
All that you have given me, so endlessly.

In heaven mom lies a goodness, beyond you and me;
Now I am blind and you will get to see,
Just how beautiful love can be, when given so abundantly.
As hard as it will be for me, I will always have the memory;
Of how you made me feel so loved,
how you made me see myself; the way that god does up above.

I am so proud to have known you all this life,
Now I must share you with the angels in the sky.
So smile mom for the things above,
know that there is no ending for love sweet love.

A day will come when I meet you there,
Then we will be able to share;
A smile
A hug
A tear
Laughter
Together again we will be ever after;
Home sweet home.

Monday, April 4, 2005 8:04 AM CDT

Good Morning Everyone! Hope you all enjoyed a nice weekend. Time sure does seem to fly these days, every time I turn another day has passed. I cannot wait till I meet Haley’s sissy. My mind is filled with many many emotions and it seems like in every thought I feel a sadness that Haley is not here and a joy that her sissy will soon be. It is really hard. I feel like a huge cloud covers the sunshine and then the sunshine makes its way out through the clouds to beam its warmth on me. I sometimes wonder if Haley knows how I feel and if she sees me crying for her and smiling from all her memories and continuing to love and cherish her sweet spirit that is so much a part of me. I hate to cry but sometimes my control just isn’t enough to hold it all in. Plus, all these wonderful people that have passed away kind of makes you relive your little ones passing as well. The pope, the Shiavo lady, it is all like a little dagger in your heart pushing the pain back up. I feel so bad for the parents of that sweet Shiavo lady, how hurt they must feel and how much sadness they feel as even in her death they cannot see her and visit with her. Some things in this world just don’t make sense and they stir emotion and create so much more anger in this world that is not needed. It is really sad for me to see. In a strange way I am glad that Miss Haley Rose is in a place where she only sees the good of this world and can live freely without reservation and restraint. Here is so much more different. The amazing thing is how much the world has changed since we were all kids, and how priorities have changed and the things that used to be safe like playing in your own yard which used to be a place of security and innocence is now a place where you have to watch your child so carefully and be weary of predators. I know God will protect us and he will only allow things to happen for a greater reason, but I really hope for us and our families and our children’s future that things get back to where they used to be instead of the way they have become. Sorry for me rambling about all this…. I just get on a issue and it drives me to speak and remind us all of how good we have it when we have it and that in that moment of great goodness is such a huge realization of the gift of peace that we so often forget to embrace.

I just want to let all of you know that I am so fortunate to have all of you as followers and friends, and that as I have said and continue to say, you all are an extension of Haley Rose’s love and purpose in this world, and as long as we embrace her lessons and her memory, that purpose will continue to be fulfilled in our daily lives forever. That smile and that twinkle will always remain on her face as she looks down from heaven and will also remain in our minds as a constant reminder of the good that still can be in this world. Sometimes I just think deeply ( like that surprise any of you) of how Haley’s story unfolded into my life and the lives of all of you, and how fascinating it is to know that as simple as her love is, is just as simple for us to give back. She was so smart that way and she knew so much more than us when it came to living fully. I am honored to be your friend and I will always be here, writing and continuing this journey Haley has lead me on, and know that I soon will have the opportunity to make her sissy another beautiful child on the inside and help her to become a wonderful person with much to offer this world as her big sissy sprinkled on all of our lives, my wish is that she will also embrace love #1 and that through that she will learn how to give unto others and never be ashamed to be herself, I wish for her to be strong in spirit, bright in imagination and bold in her efforts to see good in every turn throughout her little life. That one day when she looks back, she will do so with a sense of fullness, and will know that she never left anything on the table without a trying effort. One day as she raises her own children my hope is that she will embrace all that she has learned and find the most positive alternative to every situation she finds herself in. That is something I wanted to be able to see with Haley for many many more years, but God had plans to take her earlier and in her place send another sweet angel to us so quickly to provide for us another chance a hope and joy. Thank you God, thank you all of you and I look forward with an open mind and an open heart, and more importantly a strengthened walk with God. Love to you all Amber.

Friday, April 1, 2005 5:25 PM CST

Hello Everyone. Well, it looks like the spring is finally popping out. What a week. I have to say it was refreshing being outside and hearing the birdies and smelling that nice spring smell. It also brought back many memories and thoughts of Miss Haley Rose. She loved to be outside, putting her shoes and hat on was something that she took great pride in. She loved to swing and she also loved to wait for Daddy to come home from work, she and I would sit outside on the step and wait for him and be silly. I trimmed out the bushes and got them all ready for their eminent growth, and all along I kept thinking how Miss Haley Rose would have loved to help me, she was such a giver, you know that is something that sticks with me more than anything, what a beautiful blessing of God to give to us, she used to remind me of Jesus so often, certainly she reminded me of a typical little twerp at times too, but really she had a special light in her eyes and in her smile and it just poured out of her all over. I just loved that about her, I loved her more then words can describe and that love continues to grow every minute. It is funny how love continues to grow after a loved one passes, how we can fill ourselves with it and watch as it starts to branch out onto others around us. Just as Haley would have had it, if she were here in physical form reminding us.

I watched some home videos of Miss Haley, yes the ones I have watched a thousand times before and as I watched her through her health and through the cancer, she never once complained, never once did she give up. Right up till her heart stopped and her big eyes opened to heaven she fought. The day before she passed we took video of her and to look at her you would be in awe, she was so brave and strong, she was feeding us, can you believe that, she had not eaten hardly anything and she wanted to make sure that we were taken care of. Every time I think of that I think of Jesus and the last supper, and how he fed his disciples, Haley was so amazing. As I watched her in her videos I couldn’t help but think of how bad I wish I could hold her again and hug her and kiss her little sweet salty head. She was so big that no one could fit in her shoes, she was one in a zillion to this world. Just like all the other sweet angels they all carried something special they carried more love and beauty then this world could handle, so God gave us our piece of them and then he took them where they belonged, the great upstairs hanging around the stars that they were to us here, being amongst the most beautiful things that our wildest imagination could not make up. They are angelic souls filling all the emptiness of this world with their big fluttering wings. Can’t you see it, can’t you just envision looking out and seeing all of their wings and their angelic faces smiling and protecting us in this great big lonely world. Thank you God for my Haley Rose and for all of her friends.
Love Amber

Monday, March 28, 2005 8:52 AM CST

Good Morning Everyone! Hope you all had a wonderful Easter weekend and I hope all of you spent some precious time with all your loved ones. We had a pretty good weekend, it was hard but we made it through to today. It was real lonely without Haley as it is everyday, but Easter last year with her was so inspiring to see her search for Easter Eggs and get all dressed up was so refreshing after being in the hospital and receiving chemo. It was so neat to see her be normal. Be like all other kids on Easter. We Patrick and I and his brother and his mom, went out to see Haley at Fort Meigs Cemetery and it was weird, it just isn’t right going to see her there for me, it just isn’t fair. I took her and Easter Basket and flowers and balloon etc, but it just didn’t feel like enough. It never does. I guess the only way to fully explain it is by saying, when your child is here in physical form and you can see her, it is a blessing and is usually quite easy (ok sometimes it is) to know what they need and want and as a parent, being able to give them what they need and want is fulfilling, it is a gift that you have to give to them, that love just overflows out of you and onto them. When they are not here it is like you still have that need to fulfill and have no real way to do it, it is kind of like you have a job and you go into work everyday and then one day you go into work and they say sorry you are no longer needed. Then you are left with the desire to do what you are good at and no outlet in which to do it. It can be so frustrating at times. When you are a parent you are never not a parent ever again.

On a more positive note, I kept thinking a lot about Large Hannah Grace and how God has brought her miracle about and he is going to bless us with her and whatever she will bring into our lives. How gracious God is to give us this new gift of life in the midst of losing our baby Haley. God knows more then we do and he tests our faithfulness in him in more ways then we see. It is our choice to embrace his plan for our lives and the lives of our children.

Tomorrow I have a doctors appt. and we will see how the baby is doing, this is my fist two week appt. I can hardly wait to meet her, I am getting impatient as you can probably imagine. All the hugs and kisses I have been holding in for Haley poor little Hannah is going to get pounded with. J I really think she won’t mind, and will probably be loving all the love. I cannot wait for all of you to know her, as you knew Haley Rose, and my wish is that Hannah will teach us precious lessons as her sissy did, and hopefully, we will all be able to laugh, cry, and embrace each moment with her as we did with Haley, and yes, I am sure Hannah will have her own planet called Hannahland, Haley will make sure of that I have a feeling. Through the weekend I was recapturing moments in Haleyland and all the cute and funny and innocent things Haley would do to make me melt and wish I could live in her little world. She had such a knack for making so much sense out of this life and helping me and many others to see the beauty in simplicity. Being the light in this world was her purpose and showing me and everyone else that if we quite looking so deeply the answer is very easy to see. Her smile and her love and eyes are a huge part of my day everyday, all I can do is see her beauty in and out, and how well God put her together, what a precious gift he gave us to have forever and ever. You know this weekend we watched Passion For the Christ and during his suffering I kept thinking how selfish I was to feel sorry for myself for losing Haley, how my suffering is such a small piece to his. Although, my life will never be the same, and I will never forget about my child’s suffering and how I could not control it, in the same sense I will never forget what Jesus went through for us, and seeing it again in that movie made me again realize how fortunate we are that our suffering will end and it will end because of him, it will end and we will be reunited with out loved ones again and with him, that we have something far greater then this world can ever offer us in the end, it will be only the beginning. Love to you all and Keep writing you are all still my strength as well. Love Amber.

Monday, March 21, 2005 12:29 AM CST

Hello Everyone! Hope you all had a nice weekend. We had a good one here despite the gloomy weather. Patrick had his Diaper Party on Sat. needless to say we are set for diapers for awhile. It was really nice for the Reece Family to do this for us. They have been so refreshing for Patrick and I. Regarding the infamous Miss Hannah, she is kicking and squirming and giving me lots of hard Braxton Hicks contractions these days. Time is going by quickly only a few weeks away till the big reveal. Cannot wait to meet her, she will be such an nice inspiration to both of us and hopefully will help give us all the love we have been missing from our precious Miss Haley Rose.

Wow. Easter is upon us already, seems illogical that it is here so soon, that a year has passed since my precious Haley had her first and last Easter Egg hunt. You know last year at this time I was in the fight of my life to save the life of my daughters and now this year I am in the fight of my life to save my own from the loss of hers. It is ironic how God works in those in time of trials and loss, how he can reach in your soul and help you rediscover his flame for life. How in this life he knows where you are and meets you there everyday to help and guide us through another day, hour , minute or second. Obviously, with Easter at our doorstep, God is an ever constant in our mind or should be, the thought of his crucifixion is ever present in our minds, the re-evaluation of the trials he faced, and how bravely he faced them. I am honored and revived to know that he did this for all of us. How amazing to love someone so much that you give your life to save us from our own ignorance. How despite the truth, we looked the other way, how we watched as he died a unimaginable death. You know death is inevitable but we don’t have to wait till then to know God, we don’t have to wait till then for the realization of his presence to be unveiled. We have a choice today and everyday. We have a choice to run toward him or away from him. We have a choice to celebrate his truths or ignore them. Don’t think that I or anyone else around you doesn’t face these same decisions, that we are somehow better, we are not, all of us are in this together, this fight to choose the better path, the wiser path, the path that is just waiting for us to walk on its fresh green, mossy ground, to face the refreshing scent of newness, as Spring has come to us we must come to the realization of the symbol that Spring brings to us. I was thinking how relevant Spring really is, how God made is so we may see the growth of trees and leaves and grass and the beauty in the flowers and sunshine. How he gave us all this to see, in this I find a message from him telling us that this season is a season for renewal for simplicity, a time to re-evaluate our lives. How symbolic of him to give us spring to allow us to see his beauty and how freely he gives it. A time for us to take a good look at our own lives and refresh or redecorate our own souls, just like the nature that surrounds us. I guess I am awe inspired these days, I am filled with desire to understand and to look for the answers that I do not have. To allow God to reach me and help me to see his love and his lessons, so that I may focus on continuing the mission of Miss Haley. Easter is a perfect time to re-learn to live. A perfect time to do our Spring cleaning in our own lives and hearts. A time to reflect on the past and move ahead with a better understanding of our faith. A time to embrace our lives and hold fast those precious families, as God loved us we should love others. May this Easter bring to you something new something that your heart needs and craves for. Reach out for God’s hand that is forever reaching out to you and feel how your soul lightens and the load lightens with it, and God refills it with all the peace we so desire. May you all have a wonderful week filled with many blessings. Happy Easter and Love to you all Amber.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 6:41 PM CST

Hello Everyone! Hope you all had a really nice weekend and beginning to your week. Hard to believe it is mid-March already. Today was my doctors appt. and you all are going to freak out on this one, I gained 10 lbs. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhH!!!
Yeah, I was freaking out. The funny part was not just that but early in the morning I asked Patrick how much he thought I had gained and he jokingly said 10 lbs., I said there is no way my guess was somewhere around 6 lbs. Well, needless to say I am finally catching up with the weight. So all together I have gained 15 lbs. Oh how I hate this part. All I can think about is having to work hard to get it all off. At this point in my life though, I realize anything is possible. Large Hannah is kicking and squirming and cramping up now lots, and I have been having those darn braxton hicks contractions, so things are moving right along. May is not to far away now and I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am and scared to see Miss Hannah. Poor thing is in for lots of love and hugs and kisses and sniffs. That will be so emotional for me but so needed. Everyday has been hard though, we are constantly crying Patrick and I. We just miss Haley so much it is like something that just aches constantly. On top of that my emotions are at an all time high in my pregnancy so tears are certainly not hard to find, and I find myself crying over happy’s, sad’s anything. Large Hannah is kicking me as we speak, reminding me that she is there and soon some of my pain will ease. I cannot wait to see her face and see who she is.

Well, as always, I have to share my devotions with all of ya. So here is goes. As you all know or soon will know that in your life you find yourself in a rut, a place where you feel trapped or that there is no way out. You wonder constantly how you will be able to move ahead or find a better way, well the answer is not far away. Today it talked about how we need to rekindle the fire, starting from a fresh start, having a funeral getting rid of all the old and handing it up to him, then taking a new step a new direction. It also talked about how Jesus never looked back, he was always looking forward with faith and love. In a way it is hard to fathom how he endured so much, expecting nothing really in return, just a little thing called faith. He said you can have faith as small as a mustard seed. So wherever your faith is in whatever the size, just know that it is enough to begin anew, it is enough to see good in the midst of darkness, it is enough to guide you and protect you, it is enough. It will grow because you grow, it will touch others lives because that choice is yours to teach, it will mold and shape you into what you are meant to be and from there you begin. I know how easy it is to carry anger or frustration, and how when you in the middle or at the beginning of it how lost you feel, but ultimately, the power of God is infinite. For example, today I was watching Oprah, and their was a story about a little baby girl who was born with a liver that was failing, the doctors told the family that she will only have twelve, if that, days to live, the only thing that would save her is finding a liver match for her, and in that short of time, it seemed bleak. Well, as the baby was being put on life support, God spoke to another family and gave them the desire to see if someone was a match, They had lost their first baby and knew that they didn’t want anyone to have to go through what they went through. This man who ended up giving his kidney to this little girl, was the right match, blood type and body weight. Through some complications the baby and this man who gave so generously, have both survived. Now tell me God wasn’t working in this situation. His power to change to heal, to rebuild, are far greater then our minds can imagine, and no matter what hardship or struggle you are having, he can pull you up and carry you through it. Don’t give up, even if whatever is hovering over you is small and somehow insignificant, if it is holding you back or preventing you from living fully in the eyes of God, then you have to let go and let God. Even though it is small and only a yellow light, don’t wait for the light to turn red before you seek help or seek change. Love to you all and hope this meets you somewhere in your life, if not right now then when you inevitably do face this, just know that there is always hope, there is always an answer, a solution. Love Amber.

Thursday, March 10, 2005 5:34 PM CST

Hello everyone. Yep another hello from me. Hope your week has been good, despite the cold. I wanted to ask all of you to pray for a special family, last St. Patrick’s Day we lost another sweet angel Sydney Welch, she was just a little baby, not even one yet. She passed away and her mother Kelly and father Charles are having a really tough time right now as it has been almost a year to the date since they lost her and I wanted you all to pray for them. Sydney had a form of Leukemia and at the time she went to heaven she was cancer free, but the complications from her transplant took her to be with God far to early in her little life. There website is www.caringbridge.org/oh/Sydney . I cannot tell you how hard it is for every parent that loses a child, but it is something that requires a lot of time to heal and even then the emptiness overwhelms you and everyday that passes seems like a lifetime, and every memory becomes harder and harder to relive, because all you want is for your baby to be home in your arms safe from sickness and living the full life that they deserved to live. For the parent it is so terribly hard because you are faced with the what if’s the what it would have been like if she were here feelings that never go away. You are faced with the end of the most precious beautiful life of your miracle baby. You are faced with unanswered questions and the frustration of trying to go on when you wonder how you actually will. You look at the sun differently the sky the moon the stars the trees and even the birds, everything is somehow different, now between you and your child exist a connection with the universe that was otherwise slim to none. You look for signs of your baby in your days, you look for her to come around the corner and say mommy I love you, you get tears over everything, over every thought of them, you cannot seem to talk about your baby without getting sad even when the things you think are good. All this meets you everyday several times a day. Many people ask how do you stay so strong, all I can say is I am not, but I try everyday to be, and I try everyday to find purpose and worth, to find a reason why I am here still, and she is not, I am always seeking answers, always analyzing the reasons why……but in all my rationalizing it is still not giving me the peace I need and that peace is having her here again. Just like every parent who has lost a child you feel a devastation that hangs over you a fear of all the unknowns that flipped your life upside down and brought you to this place you now live. You feel as though happiness true happiness is a foreign term that somehow has departed from you and left you with the leftovers. You search for attachment in your unattached state of mind, everything, thoughts, desires, comfort it is all thrown up in the air and you catch what you can and then you give up. All that seemed so important in your life now feels like nothing, you just find it hard to connect for the pure fear of loss again. I pray that God will find a way to reach in all of those who have lost someone they love, especially a child, I pray he will somehow bring his light back to all of our lives and give us all peace. Peace is such a simple word with such a complicated meaning, as easy as it is to roll off your tongue is exactly how easy it is to lose it. I read in my devotional today about how God uses people to teach his lessons, how he creates in us a testimony of his faith and goodness, how he puts us in situations to teach others of his love and faithfulness. When I read this I cried because I thought how sad it is that in this life, it takes a tragedy such as this to bring people to know him and to accept him in their lives. I thought about how much people suffer to save those who are lost. Just how Jesus had to die before we realized his power and truths. This is so aggravating to me because, it is so easy to ignore him till he blows you down to nothing, and then from your ashes you beg for his help, then when life is good we put him on the back burner till you get blown down again. Why can’t we just grab onto his love and share it with others, if we do this how many lives will we save that otherwise would have perished in order to teach. I know that God allows for things to happen and I am fully aware of how powerful he is, I was before this but now even more so, let me tell you, find a way to implant him in your life and your children’s lives and all the lives you come into contact with, just like Haley Rose and Sydney and all the other sweethearts that went to be with him, we have a purpose, some of us learn much faster then others. All I can say and continue to say is reach out, touch a life, find someone out there that needs you and needs your help and help them, be what we should be not what we think we need to be. If I live on this earth to be only 40 or till I am 100 or more, I will not stop doing what Haley Rose taught me so well to do, Love, reach out, live fully, and shed your light on those who know none, give unselfishly. Such simple things that we make way to hard. Sorry to ramble and go on a rampage, but seeing the hurt so many including myself go through is something that stirs me to make a difference, it drives me to speak without worry of what others think. I only hope that you all know how much God loves you and how much he has blessed you and continues to do so. Thank him……seek him…..and never stop striving to be more like he has taught us to be. Now I am speechless to his power. I am forever changed. Thank you for listening and praying and for making Haley Rose’s mission one that does not end. Love Always Amber.

Tuesday, March 8, 2005 1:11 PM CST

Hello my friends, hope you all are having a good week and also had a great weekend, the sunshine and warmer temps were so nice, and here we are thrown back in to the brisk winter cold. Hopefully, Miss Haley and her other angel buddies are pushing for warmer temps for good. We will soon see. Well, my tummy is growing very very large now, and I am having an even harder time moving. YUCK! As much as I love babies this is the part that I do not love. Little Hannah is having fun kicking me and moving around to get herself comfortable though, at least one of us can be. He he.

I came across an interesting topic through my devotional today and thought I would share it with all of you. “Taking the plunge”, no this is not referring to getting married and having children, it is about finding ourselves and revealing it to not only the world around us but to ourselves. I know this is a touchy subject, but let us merge into it a bit. I find it fascinating how we put on a mask for the rest of the world to see, instead of being authentic to who we are. Yeah I know that we are always judging ourselves and being over analytical about everything, but if we lost our memory today and were faced in front of the mirror what would we see, who are we really. We all need to take a good look at ourselves sometimes and evaluate how we can better live this life and find joy again with in it. I heard a song and old song an it talked about how we are loved for who we really are and it was a Faith Hill song on her Album “Faith”. I am sure that she was referring to a boyfriend in the song, but when I heard it I thought about how that is how God loves us. It doesn’t matter how our hair is or what our body looks like that truly matters, it is about you, who you really are. You see in God’s eyes we are perfect, we are exactly who he wants us to be, and he isn’t up there taking tabs on how we look today or if we are beautiful, he is only taking tabs on our insides and that is what he wants us to be concerned with on this Earth. He also isn’t taking tabs on what our house looks like or if we mopped today or dusted, he could care less, but what he is more concerned with is the cobwebs and dust on the inside of our souls, when was the last time that cleaning task became a priority? Are we focusing our energies on the obvious instead of the not so obvious? We are just reaching for something new something to fill our lives in a new refreshing way, well maybe that new something is waiting to be revealed within our own souls and hearts. Maybe God is knocking at your door and your are waiting for the doorbell. Listen today and think about how we can make an improvement from another more powerful source……..GOD! What are we holding on to that is holding us back from feeling renewed?

Well, I will be back and I look forward to hearing from you all again as well. Have a great week. Tell me how this message fits, It was nice to hear for me and made me think about concentrating on the not so obvious things in my life that hold me back, that I needed to hear. Love to you all and Enjoy your week fully. Love Amber

Tuesday, March 1, 2005 5:21 PM CST

Ok so Miss Haley is sprinkling snowflakes instead of flowers, but they are on their way. She never got to enjoy the winter here so she is taking in some extra enjoyment from up there. What a cute little pumpkin! To update you all on Miss Hannah Grace who is still kicking away at my belly and squirming around inside like some kind of long caterpillar, it is so funny, it makes me smile and these days smiles are needed. I already am seeing how special she will be, because instantly she seems to know when I need a kick when I am hurting for her sissy and the pain comes waving me in, Hannah or maybe Haley tells Hannah to kick mommy and let me know I won’t be lonely long. It is refreshing to know that Haley is watching out for all of us up there, and that she finds a way to remind us of her strength and love continuously. But I still want her here. What can I say, I am selfish that way.

Tonight I was suppose to go to church for a new bible study, and between the weather and me not feeling all that great I guess God needed me to write. Hope someone out there needs to here this. I was reading my devotional, because I longed to take something from this day and let it fill my thoughts and make me think of something other then not feeling good and the icky weather, and I opened it up and it was exactly what I needed to hear. “there never can be any mistake about the hurt of the Lord’s word when it comes to his children, but the point of the hurt is the great point of revelation behind it”. This is good, let me tell you why, so many times we ask God for guidance and protection, but sometimes not protecting us is what we need. Hurt is not easy, and the Lord’s words in the bible about what he wants from us and what he expects from us are not to be taken lightly, we can take it and apply it to our life or we can let it go in one ear and out the other in complete ignorance without even realizing its purpose. In the meantime hurt is let in our lives and we feel anger and frustration towards God for it, only because at times it is hard to look in the mirror and see the change that needs to take place from our insides out. I so want to crawl in a corner and cry sometimes because of my hurt and because God allowed this hurt to happen in my life, but in my very next thought I feel like I am missing the very point of the hurt, which is that the lesson behind it all is far greater then the loss itself, and if one life can be altered because of my baby then one life can be altered for God and my purpose here still exists. Just like you all, I have a purpose and it is yet to be filled, otherwise God would of already taken me to heaven, WOW, I guess I had better get to work and start really listening to God guiding me even more. I have been slacking a little with this journal lately and it has bothered me and I have felt like I am cheating someone including myself from learning something new. So, needless to say I will be writing more as it is something very close to my heart and a gift from God.

On another note, I read my other devotional and it talked about how we are constantly multi-tasking……yep that old all to familiar word that appears at first glance to have super woman appeal, but the truth is, it you look deep enough it is weak and lazy. Yes, this was hard for me to hear as well. How many of you make your bed and before you finish it are on somewhere else in the house attending to another task that robbed your attention. Or are at work and trying to finish a task that has a deadline and in the next moment are cleaning your desk area up. We are nutz, we constantly are doing and working and our minds are going out of control. Then we wonder why at the end of the day we could close our bedroom door and hide, or turn the television on and completely blank out of reality. This is a warning sign to us that we need to stop and pay attention before we lose control emotionally. These tasks we have in out lives have to be tended to, but they also have to have our full attention. The reasoning is that with completion comes inner peace and that inner peace is the core of what a woman needs, and men too. We all need to have peace in our lives and when completing a task and knowing that through that task we gave 150f ourselves with that comes something real and it moves us to continue to do this in every task. When we give only 50-80e walk away with quilt and that feeling like we could have done better. For instance, this weekend when I asked Kealy (Patrick’s daughter) to make her bed and pick up her room, she began to cry the drama that comes from girls who are 7 comes rolling in. I know that she just didn’t want to do it and this was a ploy to have me help, but the point that I wanted her to learn is that when you give up without even trying, who are you disappointing? She knew how to make her bed and clean her room as I had showed her before and worked with her, but she gave up before she tried and that is the point. I explained that in life you never give up, you always want to try, because sometimes we don’t have things easy in life and in those tough times that trying and that perseverance is what makes or breaks us. It is the core of our being. The amazing thing is in just explaining and getting on her level she was able to understand consequence. Sometimes we forget that consequence is the result of not giving fully. So don’t give up and know that as long as you gave your all that no matter whether the task was successful or not in reward it was successful in gaining your inner peace you see what matters. Love to you all and hope this means something to you and grabs your attention as it did me. Love Amber.

Friday, February 25, 2005 8:02 AM CST

Good Friday Morning Everyone!!

It amazes me how quickly this week has gone by. I am anxiously awaiting spring weather as I am sure all of you are as well. It seems to be more evident in the mornings and evenings as the daylight is getting longer and last night the sunset was gorgeous hope you all got to gaze into it. I kept thinking of Haley as I looked at it, thinking that she must have the most awesome view of all the beauty that is popping out in little pieces everyday. How different I look at the world now that Haley is a greater part of it. The only thing I wish is that I could see her experience it, seeing those big beautiful blue eyes sparkle with pleasure, and her cheesy little grin and those little dimples that made my heart putter. She was the most precious little angel I have ever met, and my hopes for her are that she will be sooooooooo happy and filled with joy till I meet her again one day. I promise Miss Haley, mommy will play all day with you and we will hug and kiss like we did again. Oh, how I miss her, Patrick and I cannot seem to go throughout a day without crying and thinking of her at so many moments, a child fills your life in more ways then we realize, it makes our reason for being here much more evident and purposeful. It gives us a place to feel a comfort, like when your mom or dad used to tuck you in every night, and wrap those blankets tightly around you and how much love and peace you felt before your little eyes fell slowly asleep. That feeling is renewed when you see your child. For me it was so amazing, I couldn’t help but want to just squeeze her and watch her all the time. It is a life changing experience and I am so looking forward to enjoying those sweet moments once again with Miss Haley Rose’s sissy Hannah Grace. Haley would be so excited and so thrilled to have a real live baby to take care of, she was always so amazed by other babies, she would say “ Baby mom Baby”, She was so observant to, she would pick up on so many motherly traits and repeat them all the time, and I used to just smile so big when I would see her do the things to her baby doll that I would do to her, she was such a smarty pants. Those sweet moments our all I have to live for, before Miss Haley my life was filled with so many meaningless activities, and I remember wanting more out of this life, well, needless to say, God gave me that through her, he showed me the love that I had so long wondered about and ached for, he gave me a much greater sense of this life, he showed me how to truly live, how to truly love. I can never thank him enough for showing me the kind of beauty that my eyes and heart weren’t used to and how he used that lesson to help Patrick and I to mold Miss Haley into the most beautiful, sweet and amazingly wise little girl beyond her years. God has his way of waking you up, so be aware of when he does and take strong advantage of it, we won’t always get a second chance to show him we are faithful. Faith is something that has also been elevated in my life, I have always held a strong positive faith in God but through all this my faith has become something that I don’t have to seek, it has become a part of my soul in a much deeper way and has proven to me to give me back what I give him in return. Faith is special and having it can inspire your life in ways that normally would feel helpless. Haley Rose was one child out of many I am sure that seemed to carry her love and faith in a way that inspired me and everyone she touched, I hope that we all can take on that challenge and do it as bravely and boldly as Miss Haley Rose. Love to you all and have a beautiful weekend with your families. Love Amber.

Monday, February 21, 2005 2:19 PM CST

Hello Everyone! Hope you all had a good weekend and enjoyed one another. We had a pretty good weekend, we had some friends come and stay with us and it was nice to spend time with them. We also watched the Nascar Races yesterday and although normally I wouldn’t really be to interested, it was actually kind of fun. We (Patrick and I) just sat around all day and didn’t brush our teeth or comb our hair, he he. It was nice not to be rushed off to do something.

We went to church on Saturday night and it was a nice message. It was about getting intimate with God. What a blessing that we can get that way with him and that he wants us to do just that, rely on him for everything, let go of all that mumble jumble in our lives and focus on the obvious answers. I have to say that through this entire experience with Haley Rose and all the experiences in my life up to this point have been instrumental in making me see how much of life we really do not control, and cannot control. How frustrating that can be when all that matters to you is slipping away in front of you and you can do nothing but rely on God. I know everyone out there deals with different things in this life and on many different levels, but truly they all lead to the same answer no matter their severity. God never said just bring me the hard stuff, no he said bring me everything, give it all to me and I will direct your paths. Wow, sounds easy, sounds like someone just hit you upside the head with a bowling ball, but even the obvious can be hard to do, when it means giving up, letting go and waiting for the doors to be opened or closed in each of our lives and not by our own doing. Miraculously though it does work and right before you realize it an answer is there right in front of your eyes and all you have to do is receive it. I guess each one of us gets to a point of breaking a point where truly you feel that there is no where to go but up. If you have been there or if you are just there for the first time, just know that you are not alone and let that guide you as it may. Life is never easy and it doesn’t get easier with time, but it does get simplified with God. You know what is funny, I remember when I used to look at life like a kid and how easy it used to come to me to do this, you all have probably been there or remember being there, imagine being behind the eyes of your child, how they view the world and how they think, yep it was so long ago that we felt this way. So long ago that it has become a distant almost non-existent memory. That is really sad……. I wonder what God must think of that, I wonder how sad it must be for him to realize how quickly that goes bye bye. Now I know why taking children to heaven must be so refreshing for him and how precious all those children must be to him, a constant reminder of the good that still exists. Unfortunately, we do have to grow up and be an adult, but we don’t have to grow out of all the simplicity that we used to carry so boldly. Getting passionate about God and getting to know his love and teachings is really powerful, it is healing and it is his plan. So no matter what we have to go through to learn this fact, it will happen, so why not start now instead of waiting for a tragedy or something bad to happen before we run to him, embrace what he has now and during those hard times, the answers won’t seem so far away. I would love to hear from all of you more, I miss you all. It seems like all my website followers have disappeared these days. Are you still out there and if so let me know. I want to continue to write but if you aren’t there, who am I writing too? I think you all are there just quiet, so get your chit chat on and tell me how you all are. Love to all of you and God be with you all everyday.
Love Amber.

Monday, February 14, 2005 9:20 AM CST

Happy Valentines Day Everyone! A day specifically made for sharing love. God works in mysterious ways, he took another sweet little Angel to heaven with him at 5:15 am this morning. The little boys name is Joshua and he was also suffering the same disease as Miss Haley, he was only 5 years old. Please pray for his parents and his brother as we all know how difficult this time will be for them. Their website is; www.caringbridge.org/sc/joshua It was hard to hear about it today for me, obviously it brings many memories of Haley’s last few days back vividly in my mind. But I do know that Joshua is not only in the hands of God but also the hands of my very loving child Miss Haley, I am sure she has already introduced herself and is making his new home as cozy and loving as possible. I just wish that I could somehow fix this terrible disease from taking anymore beautiful loving Angels to heaven far to early. It just leaves a stain on your soul and as much as you try to get it out, it stays to remind you of all that was good and to not take one moment for granted.

I am hoping that all of you today remember that this day is special in many more ways then it normally is, for the simple reason that now we all know that Love is something truly special, more then we previously were able to recognize. That it also represents a bond between not only husband and wife but one with our children, that same love that brought you together as husband and wife is the same love that created the miracle of life within you. So enjoy your day and take a moment to thank your significant other for changing your lives in more than one way. For showing you the true meaning of this day. It doesn’t matter if you make it out for dinner or if you get all the things you were hoping he would remember to get you on this day, what really matters is that he is there with you. Take time to talk deeply with one another and share feelings you don’t always share and look at them with new eyes. Trust me on this one. Patrick and I have gone through the best and worst of things and I can tell you that it has made us more in love, not just regular love but the kind of love that centers you and fills you with a comfort and adoration that you truly need to carry in your marriages. Everyday is hard without our little pumpkin but as long as God lets me have him, I know I can keep going another day. See even when times get rough and your live becomes blurry, there is always the promise of this moment together. Take time to dance in the kitchen after dinner with no music playing and take time to hold each others hand and look in one another’s eyes like it is the first time seeing them, take a moment to make a special memory that only you two share. This is just simple things that mean more than cards, chocolates or flowers etc. So enjoy your evenings with your loved ones and say what you have been meaning to say. May your day be filled with love and filled with each other. Love to you all on this Valentines Day! Love Amber.

Tuesday, February 8, 2005 1:19 PM CST

Hello everyone. Wow! Haley and her shoes, if any of you knew her personally you would think that that is exactly what little Haley would do, she like her mother, loved her shoes, and when she would wear them we would generally be doing something fun like swinging, and going for a ride in the stroller, or going shopping. The little sweetheart didn’t get out much but when she did the shoes made the day. Thank you Jen for sharing that story it made my day!

Last night as I do many nights I write, and I came across an old journal and in it was an entry back on July 20th 2004, it was when my sister Julie and I went to NY for Haley’s tests and scans. The weird thing was not just the date which was just over a month before Haley passed, but also the content. Re –reading my thoughts of Haley and how fresh they were in my mind even still. Amazing. Life is short, and everyday I know I can try harder and I keep trying, but I always feel like there is so much more to this world then the depth at which we see things. We all seem to live life in a moment, a small blanket of time, and how truly small it is. We sometimes forget to think broadly, to think of goals and ambitions, and trying so hard to find the super fine line between is so hard at times. Understanding that those dreams we dream and the visions we had are all not unattainable. What moves us to be more full, what makes are spirits awaken from the distant cry of normalcy? Are we searching for meaning in our days or our we filling them with many meaningless activities that just nibble at the core of this life? What is wrong with taking a giant bite out of life, what is wrong with making a meal instead of an appetizer? Are we filling out lives with joy or are we just biding time. Our pastor at church spoke this last week about this very thing, about getting ourselves out there. Doing something worthwhile beats just doing something any day. When we find something intriguing, why let someone else do it instead of us and reap the life changing rewards. For example: the saying “Seize the Day”…from the movie Dead Poets Society. What does that phrase mean to you? Did it move you to action, make you want to feel something remarkable? What can we do to Seize our day everyday? We have begun this cycle of accepting the dull and paralyzing ourselves when it comes to change. We have accepted being entertained instead of entertaining. Finding our significance….Significance: The exploration of ones self, the journey to discovering life and within it its meaning. Grabbing a hold of life and finding its vibrancy. Just like today and yesterday, the rain, it makes most sad and depressed, unmoved and uninspired. Then you take this past weekend, all the sunshine and the little hints of spring and suddenly people awaken and start feeling alive again. It is really the weather that determines our inner structure or is it our outlook? How a change in thinking can alter and entire domino effect all around us. For another example: you go somewhere something common a grocery store perhaps, and you are checking out and you put all your things on the little conveyer belt thingy, and you them step forward and are directly in front of another human being and that person acts as if the things she is scanning were put there by an invisible being, not saying a word…. You walk away feeling not only irritated but disturbed that someone doesn’t put them in the back stocking shelves instead of in a position of customer service. Then compare that to the cashier that smiles and says “hello how are you today?” Creates small talk, makes eye contact. Acting as if you really mean something. You walk away feeling happy, feeling a sense of appreciation, and all the sudden a smile becomes a permanent fixture on your face, as if someone turned the lights on in a dark room and all the sudden you saw color and brightness. You leave and feel fuller. In turn a domino effect has taken place and now you are effecting others with your sense of fullness. See one person can effect and make a difference in so many lives, even in something as simple as a smile and a word of kindness. I am always inspired by people and many have inspired me in ways they may not know, and I have become a better person because of them. Why not return the favor and payback what we have received to someone else. No this is not a new idea, this is just plain common sense. This world around us maybe won’t change but we can. We can take a huge bite out of life instead of settling for that nibble. Hope this moves you in a way that better improves your life or your outlook of it. God gave us gifts to share so share them, and quite being so selfish with them. Others lives will be altered. Love to you all and many many blessings. Thank you for sharing and giving so much to me. Love Amber

Thursday, February 3, 2005 5:19 PM CST

Hello my little sweet friends. I was so inspired hearing how Haleyland is still living daily in all of your lives, and how my words and experiences have made a difference and still continue to everyday. It is so funny how we try so hard and think we will win and in the end the power of love takes over and everyone wins and most importantly your kids win. I must say the other day I was talking with a friend and she was talking about how hard it is to work all day and come home and work all night and feel exhausted, wondering if your sanity will every find a way back into your little life. I was saying how I know exactly how all of you feel, I too was a working mom and running like a mad woman but the tug of war led me to stay home and enjoy it, obviously the big man upstairs was telling me this because he knew that that time was going to be a time I would never want to lose. I know how tough all of you are and how much it hurts you to not be able to be super mom, but no one is and the best judge of what kind of mom you are is all over your kids face and in their precious smile and twinkling little eyes. You are truly allowed to have your moments and no one has the right to tell you otherwise, but just like Katie said so well “ this mess is made with love”. You know that is more impactful then you probably think, everything in this world originated from love and how amazing how quickly we forget that that is truly the most important aspect to this life, and if we let our guards down and give in, in those really uncontrollable times, what we get out is much more substantial then if we did not let it go and relax. We have so much power us moms and dads too, we are the channel that provides our children with the right combination to survival in this life, we can fix their owies and wipe away those tears and hug them when we can grab a chance, we can mold them and guide them in more ways then we even realize. We are their security their constant in a very inconsistent world and provide them with so many wonderful tools. You know when I think of Miss Haley so many times a day, I think about how great she was and how wonderful she made this world. I remember right after she passed, how I was looking at all these wonderful things she left me and all the tools she gave me and how she changed me and molded me, and I thought, I could not have wished for a better daughter, I could not of asked for a better mix and combination of all the right things, all the little imperfections (to few to count), all the personality that she squeezed so tightly into that little body and soul, all the love that she gave to others, and I wondered and even asked God, why she was so great and why he had to take her. The funny thing is we Patrick and I together made her one special kiddo and she made us better people and better parents in return. I think God said that what she possessed is far greater then this world and for that very reason, she had to go early to heaven and he is using her in ways I could never imagine to watch over and protect the lives of others. I have always thought even before her sickness came about that she was special in ways I could not explain and that she was one of those little blessed souls that lit up a room when entering and made life fuller and happier. That is something every child should have the chance to be. Maybe I am a little goofy, but I almost wish she wasn’t so perfect so maybe I could have had more time with her here. I wish sometimes that I could just have her back for a day just to tell her things I didn’t know how to on her last few days, I wish I could share with her my heart more, I wish I could tell her I will see her someday soon and know that she understands and will know that we didn’t leave her. So many things I wish I could do, that I cannot. Memories are wonderful but they are not the same as the real thing. The real thing is all our kids really want isn’t it? After all what do we really want, we want that too, we want to be loved and to feel loved, such a simple thing…..a very simple thing. I think back on every moment and I wish I could feel like I did then, and it is funny what you remember that you think you would not, all the things you picked up on that you didn’t even realize and how they come back to you when your child is no longer there to be a constant reminder. The things that our hard, is that smell of your child, missing it and not intentionally forgetting it…..Haley’s little bald head I used to kiss all the time when I held her and I remember that little salty taste that lingered on my lips afterwards, Every night I used to rub her down with lotion and talk with her and we would pray together, and as I put the lotion on her, she was so calm and peaceful and when I got to her toes I would lift them up to my nose and sniff em, and oh I love those stinky little toes, actually they were not to bad, and I would always get her to laugh a giant belly laugh as I said “Whew, sinky toes, Haley Rosey, stinky yuck” and I would pretend to fall over on to her, and se would just laugh and laugh, and then she would lift up her foot for me to do it all over again. All those moments with your children our so tender and so heartwarming, so take time to take them in and feel them fully. Everyday is a struggle, but there are greater ones to be had so keep that in mind. One of the greatest things that I want to do is hug her again, hold her so long and so tight and have that feeling of peace and comfort, that feeling of utter love. That my friends is something I would give anything for. As this baby Hannah Grace kicks inside of me, and she squirms and moves and grabs my inner parts, it is so hard, because I long for that closeness again so badly and I long for it with her and again with Haley, holding your own is an amazing gift. Well, my eyes are filling so therefore I cannot see, so by for now and I love you all so much, you are some very special people to realize this life lesson and apply it to your life everyday. God Bless You All. Love Amber.

Sunday, January 30, 2005 8:11 PM CST

Well, what a crazy weekend. We had the kiddo’s all weekend, and we were working on stuff downstairs. The kids had fun helping dad and acting crazy and wild like most kids do these days. I cannot remember this faze, was our generation different or am I in denial? Who knows but there energy level and the things they come up with defy logic. I am getting way to old for this stuff, and I am not that old, that is scary. Well, I haven’t heard from any of you since Thursdays journal, so I am not sure how to take it…..just kidding, I am sure all of you have lives and our busy.

Church today was good, we learned a lot about volunteering in the church and in the community. Doing what God calls us to do. When they were preaching about it, I thought a lot about how often we want to do things and how hard it seems to make the time in our lives to just do it. Trying to manage your own life and family and trying to shuffle volunteering seems impossible at times, but then I realized how possible it really can be. It comes down to the fact, if we truly want something we typically somehow make it happen in every other part of our lives so why should this be any different. I thought about how rewarding helping others can be and how much it can fill your soul to know that your time or talk or just being there for someone can really mean the world and possibly even change lives. To think an act so little and priceless, can bring happiness to someone else, really makes is much easier to find room for others who really need someone. I thought back to when I worked with the mentally disabled again and how much it changed me not only as a person but it made me realize how fortunate we all are to have so many things we take for granted. I remember how excited they were just to brush their teeth or to help with dinner, and how special it was to be a part of their life and share in their happiness. They are the most special wonderful individuals and they represent everything simple and everything that God taught us to be. It is so amazing how he puts you in just the right place to learn just the right lessons in order to make you exactly what he needs us to be. Well, not a day goes by that I do not thank him for everything that he has given to me, and even though some things were not given as long as I would like I know that they were a gift, and for that I am truly thankful. Like Patrick said the other day, it is better to have loved and lost then to never have fully loved. People in our lives are there for a reason and we need to remember how precious that gift is and thank God for today with them and pray that many more will follow, but don’t wait till tomorrow to be thankful. I know I am like a broken record, but like a broken record if it annoys you enough maybe you will do something about it. He he. I was listening to a song the other day that I came across in the basement and it really stood out, it is song by a Christian artist named Jaci Valesquez and it is called When I am on my knees. The song made me realize once again that the best place to put your worries or your concerns is on your knees in prayer, no matter where you are, he is there just waiting for us to get to our knees and give it all to him. It is the first step in making a very wonderful change in your life and it can make all the difference when you least expect it, and can bring you all the peace you only dream of having. I have to tell you that Kealy lost a little friend this week as he passed away from being in a comma for a few weeks, as if that were not sad enough this child was only six and the reason he was in a comma was because his whole family minus his dad were in a terrible car accident back when we had all that ice storm stuff and his mom is in the hospital and was in a comma and now is recovering and has two broken legs, the daughter is also hurt and the other had two broken toes and was not hospitalized for very long. When I heard all this is tore me up thinking of what this family was going through and knowing how the loss of a child can be and how devastating that is in and of itself and then on top of all that to have all the other problems. I just wanted to tell you so that you may pray for them and also be reminded that no matter how rough we have it, it can be worse and so don’t sweat the small stuff, and be thankful for the things we do have. I love you all and you had better write and get caught up on the journals. Have a great week and will be writing more often so stay tuned. Love Amber.

Thursday, January 27, 2005 5:21 PM CST

“Growing Pains,” alright at 3:30 this morning, God was again working on my heart and gave me the idea of Growing pains. There are many kinds of growing pains, there are the literal ones ( like how this baby is growing and sometimes it gives me some pain ), there are the growing pains in a combined family or in any family and then there are the emotional growing pains, but the ones I want to talk about are the spiritual growing pains. It was on my heart heavy this morning to talk about what not a lot of people want to talk about or feel ashamed to talk about, and that is the war within ourselves, through the spiritual growing pains we all can relate to. In everyday life no matter where you are in your walk, you are always striving, striving for better, striving for an answer, striving for some kind of something to make us feel better. I saw the movie Passion For the Christ and I have to tell you, it was life changing, not because I didn’t know the story of Jesus, I did, but I never really understood exactly how much pain and sacrifice he went through, the huge thing is he did it…. FOR US….I knew all this like I said but all the other movies I had seen on his life and crucifixion were never really as strong as this one was. When I saw it, it was in the summer of last year and it was before Haley has passed away, and I remember watching and being moved to tears, I saw in Jesus what I saw in Haley, he stood tall in the face of pain, and always moved ahead without reservation, he knew his purpose and he served it in a great capacity. Anyways, when you see how huge he really is, you cannot help but to be changed and moved, and the pain he went through was beyond this world, and I think how little my pain is compared to his. I know the greatest of pains, but to know that there is even greater pain, is mind boggling. We all know sacrifice and we all know how hard it is to give up something or to change something, but imagine having to sacrifice your own life to save others, imagine standing up for what you know is right, and knowing that you can never turn away from the truth. Now back to the growing pains. We all grow at different rates, it is a proven medical fact, that mentally and physically we all are going through life at our own pace. Spiritually it is no different, but don’t think that you ever fully arrive at a place where there is no more to learn and no more to do. Because just like beyond death there is still learning and teaching, we still have work to do. But what we leave here is truly what makes a huge difference. The legacy we leave, the feelings people feel of us, all these things are truly what is left. When you think of that it just amazes me to no end how really silly and insignificant all the other stuff is. God never meant for taking his pathway to be easy, but he did know that it would be rewarding. Just like Growing Pains, when we are going through them in whatever capacity that they are, we are usually not excited, but to know that there is an end or his case a beginning, it is truly the ultimate reward. In the movie there is a part when Mary is following Jesus to his crucifixion and as he was being thrashed and whipped along the way, while carrying that immense cross on his back, he fell to the ground, Mary was in the distance and in her mind she was torn with the memory of when Jesus had fallen as a child and how she could just help him up and fix the hurt that he had with the comfort only a mother can give a child, knowing that love and feeling its strength reach in you and pull you to emotional exhaustion, she knew that she could not help, she knew that this pain was something that she could not fix, but she also knew that this amazing son of hers was somehow going to be saved. Well, you can imagine what I felt when I saw this scene in the movie and how it literally put me there in Mary’s sandels, I knew in my heart how badly I wanted to take the pain away from Haley and wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be Ok and mommy would save her, and it broke me to tiny pieces knowing I could not, but my soul still in those very lonely places still hoped and prayed that God would save her when I couldn’t, little did I know he did. These Growing pains have been very difficult and not easy to grasp at times, but in the large scheme of things, this pain too will pass and in the end the joy will be one a word cannot describe when I hold her and smell her and breathe her once again. So know although the road is very rugged and it seems as if you are on the wrong path, know that that very feeling tells you how much your on the right path, and growth and happiness is only a few more steps. May this message help you today as it did me. Love to you all and may God really bless you. Love Amber

Tuesday, January 25, 2005 10:09 AM CST

Hello everyone! Hope you all are having a great start to the week and are making it in this cold weather. I was feeling moved to write this morning about a topic that we all deal with and that is finding the good in our circumstances and knowing that even as times get rough and events happen in our life to throw us off the path that we are trying to head for, we must face all that adversity with a different mindset. I mean if you are like me when adversity comes it is certainly hard to see the good in it, but through it there is, and instead of being stubborn and ill willed about it, we can embrace it as a learning experience and ask for God to bless us.

I am trying it and maybe you all might want to try to ask God to bless you and yours this morning, this afternoon and this evening, and start everyday this way. My devotional speaks about how this can positively make a change in our lives and our circumstances, and that by asking for blessings instead of creating anger within ourselves for the bad things, we can effectively bring more happiness into ourselves and our families. Seems simple enough, yeah, well all things seem simple till you have to make them applicable in your own life and dealing with the many diversions in our life can make this change seem impossible at times. But let me tell you I never thought that I could possibly live without my child and here I live, and I never thought that it could ever happen to me, and here it has, so as hard and as impossible as the road ahead or the diversions within that road may be, just know that if I can try to do it, so can you. Hey, why not make the best of the worst of situations, what do we get if we lay in our misery…..nothing, we get nothing, why not get something. We are strong in what we feel comfort in, and we are weak in what we do not feel comfort in, so in retrospect our weaknesses need further work in order for us to feel comfort in those areas and make a change. Whether it be a death, or a angry argument, or someone who has hurt you, or a situation you cannot control, look within yourself and find that depth that exists and bring it to light by turning something awful in to something that is blessed. Why do the bad guys always think they will win, when inevitably the good guys always come out on top. It is an interesting road to Christianity when you stumble and have to get back up again, but you can get up and you can embrace a new change and a new direction, and even it you stumble every other day or everyday, just know that you can always stand up again and face the world. We are stronger then we think, and God knows are strength and he tests us in those areas to keep us in check. So check yourself today, and everyday, and see what you learn about yourself, and how incredible you will feel knowing that you can rise above. No matter who or what gets in your way, your life has a purpose, and the lives of those around you, and maybe today your purpose is to lounge around and eat chips and salsa in your sweats and husbands shirts, with your hair in some crazy form, but don’t except that as your full purpose, you earn your days off and take full advantage of them, but always strive for some sense of accomplishment as well. It is the balance of all these things that make us happy and make us feel fulfilled. So today eat some chips and salsa, and think of a plan that can bring you happiness and tomorrow start acting on it. Trust me life is a box of chocolates and you never know as “forest Gump” says…what you are going to get, so lets be remember that when faces with adversity. Just remember when you are going through it, that box of chocolates is always there for us to eat! J
Love Amber.

Saturday, January 22, 2005 9:21 PM CST

Hello Everyone, hope you are all well and doing good through the winter blast. It is crazy we got over 10 inches of snow and the roads are pretty bad. We ventured out to get some milk and stuff and came home to get cozy and stay warm.

I have been sad lately for obvious reasons, but I try everyday to look at the positive side and stay focused on the gift of another little girl and her kicks are always reminding me to smile and that I am not alone. Bur, at times you just need to grieve as well it is natural and is part of the process. It is really crazy missing her so much and hoping somehow you can change things and bring her back and then your mind is forced to twist back to reality and realize that I am not in control and God is. It amazes me how simple life was before all this and how hard it actually can be. Life can certainly jolt you into a whole new direction and give you a giant new vision of how important this life is and every moment we live in it. Haley is so missed and we wonder sometimes if we can ever really feel a peace, completely, but no matter what I don’t want her little life and her large lesson to be forgotten. Oh it hurts so bad, I cannot even begin to tell you how much, having a hug and a kiss seem so simple, but when they are gone they are so BIG and it eats you up inside out. All this emotion is getting harder and harder instead of easier and easier, I think as time goes on the reality sets in so hugely and you realize she really isn’t coming back and that is the hardest reality. Sorry to be so bleak today guys but seeing all the pretty snow and not being able to build that all important snowman with Haley and play in the snow and just be like every other mom and daughter, well it breaks my heart all over again. She never got to play in the snow and I hope God can make snow in heaven for her so she can be the little snow angel in heaven like she could have been here.

On another note, I haven’t located my missing digital camera so there is my excuse for not getting the required belly shots for all of you to view. So hang tight I am sure it will come up somewhere soon. Hey keep writing and visiting us, I still need all of your encouragement and prayers as always. Tonight when you put your kids to sleep and give them a kiss and hug, think of me and Haley because that kiss and hug is one incredible gift that we sometimes take for granted. Love to you all and God bless. Love Amber

Saturday, January 15, 2005 11:13 AM CST

Ok today is Saturday and I am sitting here writing you once again. I was reading my journals as I do everyday or attempt too, and as usual I was moved to write. Today was about simplicity……..yep simplicity, what a word. It seems so foreign to those of us who long for it and yet it seems also so beautiful. What an amazing thing to be simple. Most of us woman are about as far away from simple as any other humans on the Earth. We almost were born to not be simple, to not be easy to figure out or to understand. Our poor husbands, boyfriends or significant others must think we are nutz, as quite possible most of us are in some ways. But it is only because we are complex in our emotions and in our thinking. We are really really deep thinkers who strive for direction and answers just as everyone else but at a tad bit more intense level. God made us very insightful and very wise and he put the burden on us to carry a lot of emotional responsibility for everyone. We take on so much more then we need to. Well, maybe we need to, but as we are doing it and going crazy about it, we miss the most opportune times to take in simplicity. Simplicity is more than a word, it means more then shutting out the rest of life to fulfill an inner lacking, it means to open our eyes to the things that surround us everyday and just are not taken in. We are truly like machines, we have purpose we try to complete it, then the next purpose intervenes and we move to complete that. That in itself is the problem, we made ourselves crazy by forgetting to just take a breather and look at the sky and thank God for its beauty and its calmness, look at the birds that are everywhere and thank God for their songs, walk outside away from a particular moment and breath in the fresh air and thank God for its healing, look at the sunshine through the clouds and those rays shining through the glass windows saying here I am….Thank Me, all these seemingly insignificant events that happen everyday and we don’t even realize their power to give us the simplicity that we so desire. I know that I have a hard time just as you to see the simple things, but I do so crave it and need it more in my life everyday so together lets try to find it once everyday and then it will come easier because we are preparing ourselves to find it and when we do Thank God for Simplicity.

Take a moment today or tomorrow and step away an make it a priority to see something you don’t normally see and let it do its work in you. Let it take you to a different level emotionally and your spirit will be lifted and your energy will fill renewed and then simplicity means more then a word to each of us. Love Amber. I will post some new pics of the belly and Miss Haley so keep writing and stay in touch , I miss you all so much.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005 8:12 AM CST

Hello my dear Friends. Yep believe it or not only a day has passed and my heart is again inspired to write. My brain is a non-stop machine, always thinking and always trying to figure out what a certain thing I hear or experience means. So I apologize for my rambling. But you know how it is. Hey I also want to tell some of you, that I have not heard from you in awhile and am hoping you are all still out there, It means a lot to me to have all of you there with me through this life, and as I have told you before, I want to be here for you as well. After all, I truly believe God brings us together for a greater purpose. So, needless to say, Start writing me again. Thanks.

I was talking with my mother yesterday and she read me a devotion that she had read out of a book she received for Christmas. It was something that really got me to thinking. It was written by Max Lucado and it said something along the lines of: We are not born to live only for this Earth and what this Earth has to offer, that truly we were made to be a part of heaven. My spin on this is, if we only except what this Earth has to offer we will always be disappointed and left unfulfilled and if we check ourselves at the door and realize we are just a vessel to be worked through on our journey to heaven we have so much more meaning and direction in this life and through that we can feel fulfilled and feel like we truly do have a purpose far greater. We are just travelers on our way to a speechless place and no vision of beauty and of goodness can prepare us for the day we arrive at those pearly gates, and as we walk through we will see beyond this world and truly see perfection and beauty that we so desired here on this Earth. I had this vision of a subway, don’t ask, well, as I told you my brain works in mysterious ways. I thought that life here is like a subway train, we occasionally see the light but most of the time we see darkness, and the subway train always runs the same everyday, no changes no exceptions, much like life, that is why seeking more is the only answer to living fully and deeply, why except the subway train of life vs. the pathway of heaven? Just an idea to think about. I get so tired of all the horrible news and how the news makes this life seem so bleak, life doesn’t have to be like this and seeing repeatedly everyday is part of reason why there are so many skeptics, but little do we know literally all the good that happens around the world everyday, and because it does not have that same appeal as horror and tragedy it does not make the news, how sad. How disturbing it is to think how our children must feel in this world and how scary it must seem to them with all these visions that they see. Somehow we need to help them realize the goodness in this world and to allow them to see things that happen but just aren’t on the news. Family traditions, for instance it can help create promise and reassure them of routine. I think back to my early childhood and one thing we did everyday was talk after dinner, simple but routine, we were asked about our day and would just simply talk, instead of running off to TV or video games, for me it became something good to look forward to a bonding experience that really planted seeds in me emotionally. I feel comfortable with sharing how I feel and not holding back, Obviously, it has worked to my advantage. HE HE. Well, I hope this made you think today as it did me, and gives you a new sense of hope. Love Amber.

Monday, January 10, 2005 7:40 AM CST

Hello Everyone! Sorry for my time away, I have been wanting to write but this week has been busy busy, Patrick’s kids has no school for three days and stayed with us, so needless to say, time was difficult to find. Plus, I have been de-decorating the house and that took forever. I have been very busy cleaning things out and organizing cupboards etc. It is amazing how cleansing cleaning can be to your soul though. It give you such a relief and lets some of that load go that gets to way you down. Kind of like early Spring cleaning. So maybe for those of you out there who feel miserable this weekend and want to find a way to make you feel better, find a place in your house that you have been wanting to get to and get to it. Unless, you are one of those neat freaks, yuck! Just kidding, you all are amazingly amazing. Try it and let me know if it helps.

I was reading in my devotions today about happiness, and producing fruit in your life. I was struck at how simple being happy really is, and how difficult we make it or shall I say our life makes it. Truly, life can zap the happiness right out of you and make you feel depressed and stressed out. But it is really something like everything else if you set a goal to make it a habit, it can be. How many of us have made a New Years Resolution about something significant to us, a personal thing you wanted to change or make happen in your life, like for instance : Exercising, Reading, etc. All us woman really want to feel good, we want to feel energized and happy. So the idea is by making some changes in our priorities we can make things better. We have the ability to take life that was handed to us that was dusty and hardened and turn it around into something better, something that makes us all feel proud. I think that all of us are just craving for something, something in this life to hold on to something more powerful. The problem to me seems to be we look to hard and forget how simple it can be to find it. Where is our place in this life of ours, what are we here for. These are the burning questions we deal with on a daily basis. I don’t have the answers, but you do, and some of those answers can be found through learning how to live spiritually. As you all know finding time when their seems to be none is the hardest part, but somehow we need to make it fit, and as it fits all the other pieces seem to find their way to fit our life as well. As we do this you will see how effectively your life can bare fruit and those you around you learn from you, and the cycle of love and happiness find its way to normal. Hope this helps. Obviously, going through turmoil gives you insight on life, and losing Haley Rose has done that in a very significant way, looking for answers has become my mission, and as I learn or begin to learn I will keep sharing with you. Maybe if we all put our hearts and heads together we can help one another out.

The baby is quite the Olympic kicking champion lately and it moving and shifting and tickling me to extremes. It is great!! It helps to stay focused on the future instead of the past, but as always in life it sneaks up on you and again you must pick up the pieces and think positively. I think Haley has been visiting me lately, I know this is weird but some things get done, not big things little things, and Patrick and I have no explanation how it happens, and the only thing I can think is Miss Haley is still trying to help mommy and daddy as she always did. Love to you all and keep writing as I will too. Love Amber

Sunday, January 2, 2005 1:27 PM CST

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2005!!! Wow we all made it through a rough year. I wanted to wish you all the best of a New Year that can be and to also help me to continue to spread the message of my little Miss Haley Rose. I am wanting to try and start fresh and new and not to be sad for she is in a better place as we all know. But in the same sense her lesson to us all as I have said before needs to become a household name in every household. So my mission is to make it so. Somehow and someway her passing will not be in vain and the teaching of love will live on through this website and through the book I will write. The little sibling of Haley Rose will also continue her life, I feel that this little Miracle inside me is a direct blessing from God for taking my Haley to be with him, and I know that Hannanh’s little life will be a direct reflection of her sister. She will be her own individual but will carry with her a precious gift that she will be sure to cherish her whole life, that gift being Haley Rose. I am so looking forward to sharing with you all the journey with Hannah and the journey of starting all over from the beginning. The beginning is where I must start to fully use all the gifts that my daughter Haley gave to me to pass on. She taught me more then I can explain about living life. Every moment of reflection that comes my way I accept and learn again how to make that reflection true in my daily walk as a mother, wife and woman. She taught me the things the bible so vividly explains but through a child-like attitude and personality, which is really the way that reached me at my core. Having an example 24-7 of what really matters made my lesson impossible to not learn. I look at this New Year as an opportunity and a blessing to live in. I have made it to this New Year by the grace of God and there is no other explanation that could have got me here, and you bet he got my attention, and you bet I will keep pursuing in this world where I can reach others and help others as well as myself to become better, to become something greater then we feel that we are. That gratification can only come when you have looked yourself in the mirror and truthfully can reveal to yourself and the world your strengths and weaknesses without reservation and without worrying what others may think. That is when this whole process of change comes easier and more clear. I used to worry about meaningless things and about things that seemed to consume my energies and all that worrying and BAM something that never crossed my mind happened and life forever changed, and literally it knocked me down and I was forced to stand unsteady in the midst of a great storm. Life happened in a way that I never thought possible, it made me see the truth the real honest truth about my life and the things that were most important. This year may we all never think about the meaningless things and focus on the things we take for granted , not just with our children but with our husbands as well. Our immediate family is all we have to count on. It is the only thing you can control in this world, so keep reminding yourself how quickly life can be altered and all that stress and anxiety seems so insignificant. Well, this scripture is a good one: “My eager desire and hope being that I may never feel ashamed, but that now as ever I may do honor to Christ in my own person by fearless courage.”(Philippians 1:20) this is telling us that sometimes it takes a crisis for us to realize Gods power instead of accepting a kinder gentler approach, we keep doing our own thing till we get knocked down a few notches then all of the sudden our eyes open with more knowledge of a greater being. Isn’t it really silly how that is, I mean we all have done it still do it, we keep chugging along and then BAM we get hit, and then we run to God for answers instead of running to him as a standard or a routine. I am not looking anywhere else these days and as I know I am not perfect and that my apple cart may tumble, I also know that because I seek him today, I will seek him tomorrow for the answers that I could never come up with on my own. I am very excited to see what wonderful great things this year will bring, but before I get caught up I also know how each day is an opportunity to learn and take something substantial from it that can be applied in a greater force in my life.

So Welcome 2005 bring us a restored sense of self and the power and knowledge to take what we know and what we have experienced and effectively change lives for the better. You all have some great lesson to teach and to share, so share it! You can never learn to much. I really would love to hear and learn from all of you as well. I love you all and love all of your friendships and prayers. So as we face this New Year together lets make it GREAT!! Love Amber

Tuesday, December 28, 2004 2:49 PM CST

Hello Everyone. Thanks for you kind words once again you made me smile the proud smile only a mother of Haley Rose could smile. Wow, this year is almost come to an end but yet ahead is another year of so much anticipation and excitement. I remember before this year changed me I used to look at the New Year as just that another New Year, but know I must say I look at it as not just another year but another chance. An opportunity to live newly each day with no regrets and no fear. I look to this New Year very differently and I look with eyes of a changed person, one who knows loss one who knows that after a loss so great one can still live and still have meaning in their life. I have Haley Rose to thank for that, when her little life got flipped upside down she just kept going and she just looked at each block in her path as a step, not a barrier. She could see nothing of holding back and only see of going forward, and she did that with such courage and pride. I must say that amazed me, and still does. Last night as I was laying in bed and thinking about this new baby as it kicked in my belly as it does every night, I thought of Haley’s toes, and how she used to kick me in the same way this one does. Then in my mind, as much as I did not want to see it, came a vision of the last time I kissed her cute little toes and smelled her little scent and I kept trying to wish that vision away, because it hurt, but then I realized as much as things hurt you cannot run away from them, you must embrace them. Everything in this life is part of us good or bad and we are made better through it and that is where we learn and grow and heal. Just like Haley embraced her pain and her battle of cancer she never let it beat her down or change her, she just picked up what was left and made a mansion. So my mansion may be of different kind but I will conquer my pain and my grief just like my little angel. Many people in our neighborhood put together funds to put a memorial for Haley Rose in our backyard, it is a bench and we will put in back there for her to still have her place in the backyard with the view of her swing and of the garden where she enjoyed many beautiful days playing and being what she should have been for many more years, this will be a sweet symbol to us to remind us of her simple beauty and her constant echoing reminder of how to enjoy life and not take for granted the simple things. I was very surprised and happy to think that people thought of something so special for our baby and very very thankful. Another reminder of Haley Rose’s power to keep her little name right out there for everyone to see and to let us know some of the most powerful love can come from the smallest of packages. God Bless you all and have a terrific day. Love Amber

Friday, December 24, 2004 6:19 AM CST

Good Morning. Wow we got some major snow overnight, just in time for Christmas, I think Miss Haley and all the other sweet angels were working their magic up there to insure lots of Holiday spirit.

It has been a crazy week and I am sure before it is all over it will be even more crazy. Every demand seems to take the life right out of you and then you go looking for more strength to get through. God always provides it when we least expect it though and he lets us kn0w we are not alone. This Holiday has taught me many more things this year than years past, it has taught me even more this year what the true meaning of Christmas is, and it has nothing to do with the chaos and everything to do with God and family. I also have learned that some sacrifices need to come at some time in your life and with those sacrifices comes a real lesson. I know now that making your family a priority is number one and I mean your immediate family, Lord knows we cannot please everyone. But the ones we live with day to day and try to help day in and day out, those are the ones that require 100% of us. It is really terrible how much we don’t realize to the full extent of what we have till it is gone and no one ever imagines it will happen to them, but whether you want to hear it or not it does, so learn from me if nothing else find your sense of happiness and meaning in your life with your family and cherish it further than maybe you ever have and embrace it for when that beauty is gone all you have left our these memories, so make everyday count and know in your heart you made someone happy and you made them feel special and loved.

I have to tell you something interesting that I am not sure if you all know, but again speaking from experience in this matter I can tell you. Having a relationship with God is no walk in the park, I mean don’t think that it will be easy, and that at times he will not test you because he will and that test is all part of that relationship with him. We are put here for a purpose. He has guided you in your life before you knew him and now that you do have a relationship he is still guiding you. Only now the trip is different because you have acknowledged him and that opens some doors in your life that reveal your true self and the meaning and purpose in your life. Through that door will also be different pathways, and you get to choose, you have his knowledge to lead you and the spirit to help you make the right decision, so you do. Now comes the hard part, no matter what pathway you choose, God is always there by you helping you but there is also another powerful source out there that many of us forget about and probably never want to meet and that is the enemy. The world has rules and so does God and some of them, generally most of them are not the same and what the world may think is right may not be what God thinks is. I bring this up because in life, you go through hills and valleys and sometimes you sparkle like you have been waxed to perfection and sometimes you feel as dark as the night and the streaks of life have hurt you, but don’t give up and don’t blame God because he is allowing things to happen to mold us into something greater and something stronger which in turn brings back that sparkle. Going through this growth process spiritually and emotionally is not easy but neither is living without God in your life, so embrace it and let it mold you into the person we were created to be. I have really grown spiritually in my life and as of recent even more so. I know that God is testing me and he is allowing things to happen for a reason. I have been hurt and I have been changed in losing my daughter but I also have become stronger and now look at life through eyes not many of us have to look through. All I can do is continue to try and find the meaning in all these lessons and apply them to Haley’s cause. I know many of you have become closer to the Lord through little Miss Haley Rose and so have I, so as you go through this experience of growth just know we have each other, and I will not stop being here. I have a purpose and Haley Rose showed it to me and God shown it through her. That is something I will never be able to thank him enough for. I also want to thank the many of you who have encouraged and prayed and also were part of this whole process and right along with me you all have been there and we have shared so much together, thank you. Have a beautiful white Christmas and we will too. Love Amber

Tuesday, December 21, 2004 10:25 AM CST

It is A

GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, We are sooooooooooooooooo happy, we have been hoping it would be so bad, but this morning before the appointment I had almost thought for sure it was a boy, but then when the doctor said see those little two dots, she is a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was in shock and couldn’t believe it, I guess Haley was working her magic up there to make sure all her girly toys would not get lonely. I knew if I had a boy I would be in trouble with all that, I am such a girly girl, and so it fits perfectly with my dreams, and now I will still be able to have all those fun girl times shopping and going to movies like I had planned with Miss Haley Rose. For the name we are seriously looking at Hannah, dad wants to leave out the last “h” though so it would probably be Hanna, but we will see who wins, he he. Let me know what you guys think on this one, help us out with a middle name we are unsure, we have a couple ideas but cannot seem to decide so help us out in that department, with all our brains working on this one we should come up with something fitting. Well, I will blab on later so I don’t leave you hanging in suspense. What a perfect gift for my Birthday and Christmas. I am sooooooooooo happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Love to you all and keep writing. Love Amber

Tuesday, December 21, 2004 10:22 AM CST

It is A................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, We are sooooooooooooooooo happy, we have been hoping it would be so bad, but this morning before the appointment I had almost thought for sure it was a boy, but then when the doctor said see those little two dots, she is a girl!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was in shock and couldn’t believe it, I guess Haley was working her magic up there to make sure all her girly toys would not get lonely. I knew if I had a boy I would be in trouble with all that, I am such a girly girl, and so it fits perfectly with my dreams, and now I will still be able to have all those fun girl times shopping and going to movies like I had planned with Miss Haley Rose. For the name we are seriously looking at Hannah, dad wants to leave out the last “h” though so it would probably be Hanna, but we will see who wins, he he. Let me know what you guys think on this one, help us out with a middle name we are unsure, we have a couple ideas but cannot seem to decide so help us out in that department, with all our brains working on this one we should come up with something fitting. Well, I will blab on later so I don’t leave you hanging in suspense. What a perfect gift for my Birthday and Christmas. I am sooooooooooo happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Love to you all and keep writing. Love Amber

Monday, December 20, 2004 9:08 AM CST

Hello Everyone! Hope you all had a nice weekend. Can you believe Christmas is only 5 days away? Wow did this month fly by. Well, tomorrow morning is the big day, we are going to find out what the baby is. So stay tuned. Our appt is at 9:15 am so look on the site early afternoon and hopefully I will have updated by then. We are really excited to find out, it will make it more real for some reason. Knowing what is inside for me at least makes it easier to plan and to talk to the baby and so on. Plus, I have absolutely NO patience when it comes to these things. J It has been rough though this past weekend, I thought of Haley Rose often, every time I turn around and see a photo or a glimpse comes in my mind of a place she would be at in the house, and it seems I just crumble. The weird part is that everyone seems to think that mourning is something that just goes away eventually, but they are so wrong. It is devastating when you lose a child, because as you know a child is so precious and so young and to see them go before you seems unfair. I hate to think of all the parents this year who might lose a child to a disease or to any number of events that can happen unexpectedly, It gets harder as the days pass to deal with it. I am really looking forward to having another baby for many reasons, one so that I may be able to know and love something from both of us again and to be able to smell and love a child is so amazingly beautiful. Another reason, is to fill a lot of the void we fill, the loneliness that seems to just stay here in this house since Haley Rose has gone. It is so sad really.
I know this baby will not replace Haley and no baby will ever be able to give us what she did and continues to do in ways, but it will be a new beginning a new life and a new chance to love for many more years then the two we were only given with Haley. That is the most important thing to us right now, is continuing the cycle we had hoped Haley would be here to witness and experience with us. In a way I feel sorry for this baby, because I know I will be crazy about anything that seems wrong and will probably drive the pediatric doctors nutz with all my demands for reassurance. I hope they understand. The thing I have learned and continue to project is to never assume it is nothing, when things seem unclear, it is best to get it checked out thoroughly and be at peace and know that your little one is completely healthy then to find out the way we did. The weird thing was the signs for her disease were so common as far as normal symptoms a child her age would deal with, fevers, taking naps, being cranky, teething pain. All these things would appear to be normal and not too bad, The fevers were sporadic and did not get to high, and taking naps was something she always did and being high maintenance is like any other 15 month old and being a pick eater, that was also normal. So just make sure and never assume. Thank God for doctors and for the benefits of our medical facilities, they can fix things when found out soon and can start right away on finding out problems. Oh well, I am sure that you all know this by now. I am really thankful for this website and for the many friends and followers I have and as long as you will read I will update it for you and for Haley Rose. I have a feeling Haley would want that and she would want for all of you to follow the journey of this new little one as well. So for that reason and for the reason to help others remember to live and live fully. Love to you all and keep in touch. Love Amber

Friday, December 17, 2004 4:12 PM CST

Hello Everyone, hope you all have a great weekend. I know it is getting more hectic as the days get nearer to the holidays, so take a break sometimes.

The baby is moving around more and starting to cramp up at times. It is neat though having a little one inside of you moving around and living thier little life inside of you. Pretty crazy. Tuesday is right around the corner and cannot wait to see my little somebody again. It is going to make me feel a lot more at ease seeing it again. You can never have enough time seeing it. Soon enough and then it will become really real. Cannot wait. Sorry this is brief, but the kiddies are here so as you all know. Duty calls, ready to have some fun with them though. Take care and I will write later this weekend. Love and God Bless Amber

Tuesday, December 14, 2004 5:10 PM CST

Wow! Thank you all for your beautiful feelings. Again, I am touched with another gift from Miss Haley through all of your feelings. I wish I could tell her in person how she has changed lives and made people happy and more at peace with life.

I was wondering what heaven must be like for her today and how she has made her heaven special. I keep imagining her swinging with her Pooh and belly laughing like she used to with her sissy, If only all of you could of heard her do that. It used to make me smile so big that I thought might face might break and my heart leaped out of my chest in adoration of her ability to just make the best of everything in her life. I see her in heaven just loving everyone and sharing her tea and crumpets with Jesus and all her family she never knew and all the little children playing like their was no end to a day, hour, minute and second. Imagining her picking flowers and giving them to everyone and playing peek a boo with all her new friends in heaven. I see her dancing like she would here at home with me and singing her little sweet songs. I see her glowing with happiness and being the leader in her line of soldiers. I hear her saying sit Jesus sit and play, I can just see her look on her face of how serious she was about sitting and playing, she used to look at me like duh mom, what else could be more important than me and my time. She was right nothing was more important and nothing will ever be more important to me then taking TIME. I see her eyes filled with magical light and sparkling like all our Christmas lights and inside of those eyes I see truth and purity and love. It brings chills to me to think of them and to remember how at times I thought literally, it was Jesus staring at me and calming me through those beautiful eyes. I see her touching Jesus’ face and telling him she loves him and to all her new friends. I see her holding hands and running and smiling. I think in her heaven there are many birds flying around and all the sunshine that we all miss so much. I see the breeze making her laugh and giggle. I hear her sweet little voice talking as if she were older and wiser. Although, she was older and wiser in her teachings. It truly amazes me how she knew so much and how she came to be so right about all her thoughts and intuitions at such a ripe young age. I think how do we lose this over time, how do think in growing up we must lose the very core of who we are and what we believe. Why do we think it is better to look at life through negative eyes vs. positive ones, when did this become the correct way of living and thinking? I think Haley Rose set us straight and made us see how wrong we were and helped us in ways that haven’t even yet been revealed. Like many of you have said, her work is still not finished yet. I am so glad for that, because their isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t need reminding and straightening, Tomorrow is always a new day, but today is today so live it brightly, we never know when the light will fade or disappear, so we need to constantly keep refilling it up with good fuel. The one thing I see about Haley is how happy she is that we love her so much and how happy she is that she is not forgotten. I can see her talking to the baby and telling him or her all sorts of Haleyland stories and I see her smiling about the things ahead and knowing that we all will be happy still. I live everyday with the Hope that one day we will be together again, and then we can pick up where we left off. That is my purpose, my dream. Until that day though, I will fight everyday to keep her message going and to make sure that her life purpose does not fall short of her expectations, she would have nothing else but to see her lesson continue and she would not give up ever, and neither will I. Whatever, you feel your purpose is in this life, you need to do it. I think about the years I wasted wondering and trying things out only to come to the realization that I already knew, but just didn’t believe enough in. If you really don’t know, pray for it, look for it, and be open to it. It may be something that you feel driven to do or it may be something as simple as sharing, But whatever it is do not fear it for it is a part of you a part of what God wants for you and it can only be opened by you. So like the gifts making their way under your trees, open it and be happy for it and realize the love behind it. Nothing is ever given with bad intentions, everything typically started out good and somewhere along the long line it got tangled in a mess, so look beyond the exterior and find the purpose behind it. May God continue to bless all of you and don’t stop sharing your thoughts and your lives with me as I am here for a reason and it is great. Love Amber

Monday, December 13, 2004 10:52 AM CST

Good Morning Everyone! Hope all is well with all of you and that you all spent some quality time with the family this weekend. At the last minute we visited my mother and brother again this past weekend. We actually came to see Jordon wrestle this weekend in his second tournament Sat. What a stud muffin. I still cannot believe that he is only just 15 years old. It seems as though yesterday I was being annoyed by his two year old craziness, that somehow attaches itself more to boys then girls. He was such a cute little terd. He is turned into an inspiring young man with a very real maturity about him, of course I give that credit to the fact he was surrounded and raised predominately by woman. he he. Seriously though, boys need that nurturing and communication so that one day they can successfully make it through marriage. I find it tickles my heart that he to has learned sometimes when things get rough you just need to vent. Just like a woman, it is incredibly healing sometimes to just spill your guts out on the table or in my case paper and just let go. Jordon is starting to really look handsome and now even resembles Keeanue Reeves (sp?). At his wrestling match their were these little girls out on the mat playing and chasing one another and of course Haley Rose came into my mind and I thought how refreshing it would have been to see her be normal, in the sense that she could be free in the germ world instead of confined at home with her mommy and daddy. I wonder also, what she would look like now if she never got sick and how beautiful she would be with long hair and rosy cheeks and a smile to knock your socks off. It is really hard to think how many times I will think of her and how many times I will reflect on what could have been for her. Even though in my mind I know better. My mother also had a rough week, she is going through a rough time also, being alone for the first time in her entire life, and not knowing what lies ahead financially, and the heavier burden of not knowing what she will do for work without experience, being a stay at home mom for many years has not given her on paper the resume that the modern world looks at as accomplishments. It is surreal how much life has changed for our entire family and it amazes me that we are all still standing at times. I have to say though, if it means this next year will be one of many blessings and many good times to come then I accept the challenge to remain tall and to remain strong and fight the good fight that inevitably comes everyday in our lives spiritually and otherwise. I ask all of you to fight the good fight as well and remember to take TIME and make it VALUABLE and MEMORABLE for yourself and for your loved ones. Most of all don’t let the chaos get control over you and take needed break to renew you, don’t feel selfish just do it. God gave us time for a reason and it wasn’t meant to just run right through without looking forward or backward for reflection. A moment of reflection can be the fine line between being real and just being. Love you always and continue to write. Eight more days to find out what is in the oven. YEAH! Love Amber

Friday, December 10, 2004 6:31 AM CST

Hello everyone, I want to thank those who have written me on how Miss Haley Rose has touched your lives. It was beautiful to hear from the other side how life has changed. I encourage those who have not shared how their lives have changed to do so, it is like a Christmas present hearing how my Angel has reached so many.

On a baby note, I want to tell you all that the baby is really starting to move around now and my belly is getting rounder as I speak. Last night I could barely sleep with all the feelings that welt up inside me about that feeling. It was exciting and scary and sad all in one. I felt closer to the little one and yearned to have my angel back here with me to gain in the excitement as well. I know I am like a yo yo with my feelings and emotions, but like a yo yo I always bounce back. It is just another trial to get through. How the loss of a child can effect you is such a learning experience. I have had to fully regain a lot of my strength, my inner strength and also to find within myself the courage to go forth each and every day. When your child is there encouraging you to smile and making you laugh when you least expect it, it truly makes you do the things you thought you could not. Having to do all that without my little reminder has been the hardest thing for me. So when your kids are testing your patience and causing your to well up and scream remember to smile and thank God for he is reminding us through them what is important, and to ignore it, is a sacrifice you cannot afford. I truly had a hard time sleeping last night, you know when your head is full and all these thoughts just overcome you and somehow force you to try to think yourself to sleep, however, counting sheep has to work better. He He Since three this morning my mind has been working and the hours seem to have gone slow as every time I looked at the clock I was hoping it was time to get up. I am sure you all have been there on occasion. As usual I was hoping it would pass, but it was as if God were telling me to get up, so I did. Obviously, this early in the morning there is not much else to do, so I logged on and checked my cute little email box and had some beautiful emails to read. Thanks to those who wrote a letter to me about how Miss Haley Rose and her journal has touched your lives. I was so moved and then I knew why God wanted to wake me up, so I could be touched by all your sweet honest words. Through this whole process and up to this point you all have been my rock as well, and your devotion to keep writing has helped me to fulfill the purpose that I knew existed through the most unimaginable feeling of hopelessness. Along with all of you I have grown spiritually and as a person I have become better. Even though Haley left far earlier in her little life then I intended, God’s plan is infinite and things happen for many reasons that we do not know. I guess in a way this was a positive outcome, because his plan is being revealed to me and the power of that plan it far greater then my selfishness to want her back. I ache, I hurt, I cry and I get mad, but through it all, the beauty Haley Rose revealed in so many elements, was the light so many of us needed in our lives, now that light shines down on us everyday. God Bless you all and keep writing. Love Amber.

Monday, December 6, 2004 2:48 PM CST

Hello Everyone! I wanted to ask you all to share some stories about how Haley has specifically touched your lives and how she has made you a better person, wife, friend, mom, dad etc. This would really be an honor to hear and would also be inspiration to my purpose. You can email me at millenniumap@aol.com or leave a journal whatever you feel more comfortable in doing. Thanks so much for helping me to allow her story to positively affect others lives.

Also, on another note, The days are getting closer and closer to finding out the sex of the baby and I cannot wait to tell you all the news. Christmas is right upon us as well and I am anxious to see some beautiful white snowflakes falling from the sky, instead of this misty yuck that does not even look pretty. I wanted to share with you some more stuff from my little mind from this Sunday’s church service. The message was on Worship. I have to tell you that when we went to the service I thought how are they going to preach about worship? Amazingly, to my surprise, it was a definite eye opener. The message applied to not only worship but to any and all moments we go to the Lord for anything. Whether it be prayer or singing or just reflecting. They basically said that we need to prepare our hearts for that special time with the Lord in order to get the guts that we need to get out of it and not walk away feeling unfulfilled and untouched. As simple as that sounds it frankly is not. For example, think about a conversation you have had today or yesterday, and think about how your attention during that conversation was at best probably 50% fully there. I mean we do things and think things without even knowing they take place, or shall I say multi-tasking. Yep, we are all very guilty of not giving our full attention in more than one area of our lives. This all reminding me so much of Miss Haley Rose, simply, because she taught us all to take time and drop things that you think otherwise important and put your energies in the things that truly matter. Just like God wants us to do with him. I mean really, if God was standing next to you literally, when you call on him or when you do anything how would you act differently? And if we are truly being Authentic then why would we act differently? I know exactly what you are thinking, because when I heard the message it was like an alarm went off in my head, we really need to take everything in our lives just as God would want us to, and if we were standing there in Heaven looking at his face for the first time and that chill and astonishment came over us as we waited to hear him tell us “Well done my good and faithful servant” wouldn’t we represent ourselves in a manner we wish at that moment we always had? Surely, we would. I ask why wait till later or till we have more time or a moment to ourselves to do this? Why not take a bold step and make a long lasting impression on the lives of everyone we come into contact with and most of all why not put the 100% forth that we expect in return from everyone including the Lord. How many times our we all guilty of falling short to not only God but to our families and loved ones and friends. I know that we all don’t mean to and our intention in truly the opposite, but remember that you are in control of your actions and reactions and that if it is important enough you will find a way to make that lasting impression. I used to wonder how God could hear all our thoughts and prayers and when I saw the movie Bruce Almighty with Jim Carey I got an idea of what a day in his shoes would be like, but I imagined that it would be a trillion times more then what that movie showed us and as he listens to all our thoughts does he interpret the Authentic ones from the not so Authentic ones? And if so, maybe the answers to our questions and prayers are only a moment of getting real with God away. Are our hearts and our minds fully focused on the outcome or on the finish line? Well, I will leave you all on that note and I encourage you all to do as I am and continue to be real with everyone including the Big “G” ! hope to hear some stories from all of you and I must say I am hoping to hear more often from you then I have lately. We all need one another, and just because Haley is not here doesn’t mean her spirit is not. I miss you all so much and you are all still my lifeline. Love Amber

Thursday, December 2, 2004 6:40 PM CST

Hello my dear and sweet friends. What a week so far. I hope all of you have been doing well and are taking time to enjoy your families and relax. We had a visitor today . She brought us a beautiful painting of Haley Rose that she had done herself and it is the photo from the web page and I must tell you it is breathtakingly beautiful. She did a wonderful job it brings tears to your eyes. It is so lovely. I will have to take a photo and post it on the web for all of your to see. It amazes me how many people have been touched by Miss Haley Rose and it touches my heart so much to know and feel that love from so many. What a blessing.

I wanted to ask you all to pray for me, because I want to write a book in Haley’s memory and I have been thinking and planning for a long time and if any of you have any input or ideas it would be great to hear from you. There is so much that I want to say, but I want to know what you all think, so let me know. I feel that her story needs to be shared not only because she taught us so much but also because we need to help children and parents and families be more aware of some of the signs of this disease and hopefully prevent this disease to further take any more little children’s lives. You all have been touched just by the story of Haley’s courage and what she taught us all about living and living meaning loving. Loving to love one another and loving to enjoy the little things so many of us have at times taken for granted. I believe the lessons she taught us deserve to be shared further and hopefully reach or tug at someone’s heart enough it brings a new balance into so many lives. It is my vision and I need all your support to make it happen.

On another note I wanted to say that I was reading my journal and it had a very good saying. “Do not follow where the path may lead…..go instead where there is no path and make a trail.” Isaiah 30:21 (Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying “This is the way, walk in it”) This is pretty powerful stuff when you think how massively we can change lives on a much larger scale. I WILL help to find a cure for Neuroblastoma and I will actively try to reach as many people as I can to let her journey and lessons be learned. One thing I have said going through all this is that living means more than what we think and I will not let all of Haley Rose’s lessons go un-taught as long as I can help it anyway. I look at life in general through different eyes and by doing just that you can attain things in ways that were not possible before. So lets make a trail together and begin together to teach and reach more everyday of our lives. Thanks for listening to me babble and may God bless you and please continue to write and share your stories they will help me in making this all possible for Miss Haley Rose. Love Amber

Monday, November 29, 2004 8:48 PM CST

Hello Everyone!

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday weekend and ate lots. I now need to look into some maternity aerobics. HE HE Seriously though, we had a wonderful time with family despite my allergies to kitty kats. Patrick and I both had a few issues with the cat at moms house. Oh well, we have recovered now and seem to be breathing at 100apacity. We enjoyed playing some board games with family (cranium and scattigories) those two games brought lots of laughs and fun. I had to beg to recruit people but soon they found I was right and playing games builds memories and many many laughs that we all so desperately needed.

Speaking of memories many came during our time there of Miss Haley Rose and all her wonderfulness. I envisioned her there and having fun playing with all her cousins. I do have to tell you something though. We were clearing the table from dinner and in my moms house she has this room with lots of windows, it is like a library of sorts this is where we ate, it used to be Gordies (my step-dads boardroom) well it is beautiful and full of wood and in the windows shown this bright light that all of us were blinded upon entering the room. You almost needed sunglasses and even those would not have been able to block all the brightness. It was funny. I thought to myself , that that bright light was Haley and her and Grandpa were in heaven and they were letting us know that they were there by blinding us with their bright light. A little symbol of their presence in a way so fitting to their presence her on earth. We took pictures in there as well and in all the photos this bright light shown above all of us, how wonderful. Thank you Miss Haley and Gordie for remembering to visit us in the special ways that make us not feel so far away. A huge part of me is missing and at times I pray that it will be filled somehow and sometime soon. The memories stir me in so many ways it is so hard to explain. One example, I guess is to think about someone you have met that just reached you in a way you cannot explain and then multiply it a million times or more and there you have it, your touched forever. Forever marked by someone who seemed surreal and someone you adored with all your heart.

As far as this little one inside is concerned we have an ultrasound planned for Dec. 21st at 9am to determine the sex of the baby, two days before my birthday so I am really looking forward to this present. One thing I must reveal is the worry that I feel for the health of this baby. Imagine losing a child, your only child, and not knowing what the cause of her illness is and then conceiving another and wondering what you can do differently or what knowledge you can learn to prevent the same fate. It is like a storm, it comes and goes and when it comes you try to run from it but it eventually catches up to you and there you are with no real answers. I can’t imagine losing another child and I can’t imagine God would allow that to happen to us twice, but just as all of you worry about your children so do I. Even , when Patricks kids complain about aches and pains, in the back of my mind I wonder why, and what if, and how do you know. It is really haunting. I can only say that a child is such a miracle and is so special and can change your life so drastically, that beyond all that perfection the chance that their could be imperfection is just awful. I thank God for faith and for hope and for miracles, because without all these tools I would be helpless. What a wonderful merciful father to bless us even after disaster strikes he provides all the tools to pick up the millions of pieces and begin again. Whatever, our lesson is, it is one with more than one meaning and it is in so many ways being revealed in all of our lives, we just have to open our hearts to receive it. I pray that God continues to bless all of us and he continues to watch over all children and protect them and if he can’t do that may he provide a miracle to heal them and let them all live way beyond our years. I also pray that God will help us find a cure for all these childhood cancers and help all these doctors put their knowledge to the ultimate use and fix what seems to be unfixable. God bless and will write again soon.Love Amber

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 3:15 PM CST

Hello Everyone!! Hope you all have a Wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday, I wanted to let you all know that we have a lot to be thankful for this year. Each of us has been touched by Haley Rose’s life and that is definitely something to be thankful for. I urge you all to enjoy your families soooo much this year and make sure to show and tell each one how much you love them. I have realized how fragile life can be and to not of said what needed to be said may be something you don’t want to regret someday. So put any harsh feelings aside and enjoy one another and hold dear the family that you have for none of us know what the future holds. I have to tell you today I was thinking a lot about this holiday season that is right upon our heals and I thought about how difficult it will be this year without our sweet baby and I thought about all the sweet babies that were lost this year and I wanted to say how I feel about how each of these lives. Although sad and very hard to understand, it is definitely all part of Gods ultimate plan for all of us. I really had a hard time understanding why God was taking my baby when she was with us her last few days and I remember being in such shock and disbelief towards the end. Because in the eyes of a parent nothing seems real until it inevitably is real. Most of us only look at the most positive outcome and not the alternative. I wanted to believe that God would just heal this terrible disease that took her life and the life of many others and I wanted him to just fix it. I had envisioned for her all that any parent envisions for their children and I just had to keep holding on to the belief that it would happen. I was writing a friend today and while I was writing her I realized that all that I wanted for Haley she did get and that is all the love and beauty that she deserved and I can say in my heart that while she was here in our arms and in our lives she was loved and now she is still loved and now instead of our arms she is in the arms of Jesus. I thought if ever I had to give my baby away the only person that would be more than ok with me would be our dear heavenly father. So thank God we have him cause without this, it would truly be a tragedy. So this Holiday season is more than special it is a miracle and Haley would have nothing less then for us to all be happy and for us to all love one another as she so bravely did for us. This Christmas will mean more to me then any other because I have realized the true meaning of Christmas in my life. I understand what God went through giving Jesus’ birth to us as a gift for us to have forever. And just as Jesus is remembered and cherished Haley Rose will be also. How awesome to be a part of Gods miracle. I hope you all can see how a loss as great as a pure innocent child can also be a gain and that by their loss we have gained the most exquisite little Angels and they are here with us forever. Despite the sadness the comes over us we are all a part of Gods ultimate purpose, for this reason we are all forever changed, we have all become better parents, better wives and husbands, and better human beings. What a reason to be thankful. Love to you all and God Bless You ! Keep writing. Love Amber

Monday, November 22, 2004 11:11 AM CST

Hello my dear and sweet friends. I have to tell you that this Sunday at church we had a really good message about people and how they can affect our lives good or bad. I agree with Katie from the webpage that it is nutz how this world and people in it can be so immature and ridiculous in their actions. As she was talking about the Athletes in the Pacers and Pistons game violently attacking people and how they, who are role models for other kids and people, acted as immaturely as a two year old throwing a tantrum. I thought as well, that life can be much worse then getting a little ice thrown at you. The message at church talked about how much we need people in our lives and how those people can help us in our lives and our walk with our spiritual life. I was really struck with how accurate it is to have friends that not only are there for you when you need them but are also there for you when you think you can handle it on your own and don’t ask for help and they are still there for you. The ones that will tell you honestly, about yourself and will be there to help you in a heartbeat. If you think about it, I bet you can only count on one hand the friends that truly are that and more. I thought about that and I realized that we need so many more, and I thought that really we don’t have to look to far to find those friends and that they are probably right under our noses. I thought about all of you from this webpage and how many of you don’t live far away from me and how silly it would be to not give you all the opportunity to be even closer friends, so here is my invitation to you all to not only be limited to my journal friendship but also to my full life friendship, and as I offer this invitation to you, you do the same to others. Having special relationships with people can really be healing and can enhance our lives and in many cases change a persons life. So let the lesson today be one of bringing what this time of year really truly means and that is to give to others and share your love with those that need it and make friends for a lifetime. The many lessons Miss Haley Rose taught us do not have to be limited to our own families but can be put to much greater use throughout this world and I know that her ascending to heaven was for a far greater reason then just only to become the parents we need to be but to become the people God wants us to be. I love you all and May God bless you and keep you safe. Love Always Amber. More to come later.

Saturday, November 20, 2004 7:48 AM CST

Hello my dear friends. Miss you all . So are you Michigan or Ohio fans today. I am Michigan, grew up there and have a brother who would disown me if I didn’t keep with his all time favorite team. Hope you all had a good week and have an even better weekend. I hope you all are keeping up on the websites of the little sweeties I have added to the webpage. They definitely need new friends and good wonderful prayers.

I have to tell you I put up my Christmas tree Thursday night and this is kind of funny. Uncle Mike got us a new one last year on sale after Christmas because we needed one bad. Anyways, we had just put it downstairs and hadn’t Looked at it till the other day. Well, I am used to a 6 foot tree and this one is 9 foot. It is gorgeous but, it took me 3 hours to put it together, just for the tree to be fluffed and put together. Then the lights took an additional 1 to 2 hours. I was so exhausted and my poor hands were so rashed up from the fake tree branches. It is so funny, because I am a Christmas freak ok, and I love decorating and listening to Christmas music, I always have been a holiday nut. Well, needless to say, after putting it together all I could think was how long it would take to put away, so maybe it will stay up a little longer this year. Maybe till after the baby comes just kidding. I think the baby doesn’t agree now I got hick ups. I hate those things. Speaking of the baby, I must tell you I am popping out now and my belly is becoming more and more abundant. The baby is starting to move more now as well, the other day it bunched all up on one side it was so funny. My belly looked like I had a conehead in there. My back has also begun its aching faze and that is not fun. I remember this well with Haley Rose. My back was always hurting and thank God daddy is a good husband and it rubbing it often cracking it for me occasionally. I hear birds chirping outside can you believe that. It is nearly December already and they think it is spring. Poor things. I sure do love to hear them sing. I have to tell you all you moms are going to laugh. I did the Draino test the other day to determine the sex of the baby. It is very simple you just pee in a glass and add 2 tbsp of Draino and the color is suppose to tell you with 80% accuracy according to some info I found on it, if it is a boy or a girl. Well, I did it with the help of my Friend Lisa and it came out it should be a girl. They say if the foam turns bright greenish blue it is a girl and if it turns brownish red it is a boy. Well, I hoping that I am not the 20% that is wrong because in my heart of hearts you all know how much I need to have more girl time. However, as I have said before if it is a boy, I will certainly not be unhappy, he will just have to suffer some girly stuff though. HE HE. I have an appointment with the doctors on the 23rd next week and we will see when we can get the test done to find out. So I will let you know as soon as I know.

About Miss Haley Rose. I have to tell you that last night before we went to bed I heard Patrick crying for Miss Haley. This is usually a very rough time for both of us because Miss Haley Rose use to sleep with us since she was sick and she slept in the middle and we loved it. We would watch Pooh movies till she fell asleep and every morning waking up next to her was a real joy. She would look like a beautiful sleeping angel, her skin was so beautiful and china doll like and when she would open those beautiful eyes they were so bright and big and she would smile and be silly and so happy, that is the ultimate way to wake up let me tell you. I cannot begin to tell you the loss your soul feels and it just doesn’t go away. I prayed to God for Patrick and then I prayed to Haley Rose and I selfishly prayed for her to come home and be with us again, we miss you so much please come home honey, then I realized again she was home and even though all I could wish for through my tears welting up was to see her come through our bedroom doorway for one last hug and kiss, one last squeeze and I could envision that moment and I can see me crying out in joy and pain and love. I could even smell her head and see me kiss her sweet lippies as she cld them. I can feel her so much and it just hurts without her. I can feel her little pat of tenderness on my back and that sheer joy of holding your child and feeling all those wonderful things that just melt in you. It was so hard last night and that pain is so strong for her. I don’t know how one can get through this without God. I don’t know what I would do. The feelings you have when you are in need are so hard to deal with and I feel bad for those who don’t know that all they have to do is reach to God and there they will find comfort in any situation. Even when he feels far away he is there. Remember the poem footprints and then you will see he carries us when we can’t carry ourselves. Thank God for his love for us. So today, remember that through the times, when you have no answers and no direction, there is an answer and that answer is way beyond our fixing, and God is the only one who has all the carpentry tools to fix us and the only one who has the key to unlock the doors for us. Love and miss you and keep writing. I mean it.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004 9:41 AM CST

Hello Everyone Again!! Sorry to be so dismal the other day, it is just raw emotion and that is the only thing that I can say about it. I want to thank you all for understanding and praying and just being there to let me vent, laugh and cry. I feel like we have all been through this whole battle together. To be honest I depend on no only God to get me through but also all of you to help me get through all this. I am anxious still to find out what sex this little critter is inside of me so I can plan. I think you all are aware of how much this will help me. The biggest problem right now is just filling the void and that void is so big and so vast it seems nearly impossible at times to know where to begin to fill it completely up. A portion is memories and a portion is relationships and a more larger portion is my relationship with God. I find myself watching TV and those cute sweet little commercials come on with the new toddler toys by leap frog and all I can think of is Miss Haley’s fist steps and how proud I was and how proud she was of herself. It is so beautiful and sad in the same moment. I am finding myself even sad when Shrek 2 commercials come on because we were so excited that Haley got lucky enough to see that at Great Wolf Lodge a few short days before she ascending to heaven. Moms you understand that breathtaking moment when your precious child discovers things for the first time and how new and fresh all that excitement is to them and how they light up and sparkle. Now imagine not having that or having it taken away. Now you understand better how hard it is. I have told you all time and time again to hold dear your precious little ones for having them is such a special gift from God and not knowing what lies ahead is what should make us all cherish those moments even more. I have added a couple websites to Haley’s webpage of a couple little sweethearts that need all of our prayers and support as well. They are Elizabeth and Sydney. They both are very sick and need our strength to help them, just as you all help me we need to help them in that same way. With the holidays just around the corner these next weeks will be tough for me and for the families of these little girls. I wish we could of saved Miss Haley but she saved of all us instead and for that I am ever grateful to God for giving her to me and Patrick. We talk about her all the time and speak of how great she was and how much she made everyday a special one. She just had a tremendous gift to love and make you smile so big and full that you felt your whole face was a smile. I must stay strong this holiday season but it will not be easy since last Christmas was Haley’s most fun Christmas and she enjoyed it so much she wore her little self out. I will miss her sooooooooooo much and I will miss her opening her gifts and so delicately putting them aside and throwing the wrapping paper away before she moved on to her next gift. She really treasured everything. What a precious angel she is. All I can do is make this holiday special despite the emptiness and try to carry on as Haley would want mommy too. Christmas is my favorite time of year and it will always be and those special memories with my sweet daughter Haley will never fade, she and I would dance to Christmas music from November 1st to January and she would be just as excited as mommy decorating and saying how pretty the lights were. All of you please stay close to me right now and keep writing as I need all of you so much and all of your words of encouragement are what I look forward to reading everyday. God bless you all and don’t stop praying and please please don’t stop writing. Love Always Amber.

Thursday, November 11, 2004 1:55 PM CST

Hello My dearest sweet friends. I hope you all are having a wonderful week and are enjoying your families very much. I wanted to talk with you all today from my heart and tell you how I am today. I had a little rough time today. I went to see Miss Haley at Fort Meigs and her flowers were all icky so mommy replaced them with New Fresh Vibrant ones. While I was there I felt helpless. I felt that this is pitiful that all I can do for her now is just water her flowers and grass and make sure her chimes on her tree are chiming. As I did my usual routine I kissed her prettiest flower like it was her sweet lips and then ring her chimes to let her know I love her and am here and as I walked back to the van through the cold wind and leaf filled grass all I could do was feel hopeless. As I slowly drove away I told her I wish she could come home with me and we could snuggle up like we used to on cold days and watch Pooh and play together. I started to cry again envisioning all that seems so lost and far away and asking God again to help me. As I drove home everything around me seemed to move so slow and it seemed so lonely in this world. I was having a very bad moment a moment we are all allowed to have. I just miss her so badly and I miss more than anything her happiness and her ability to make my day brighter when it seemed like the lights were all burned out. She was and always will be the most special angel to me and I need a special angel in my life in order to survive. I got home and knew that I needed to see her again so I again popped in a video of her and was instantly melted and reassured by her magnificent power to make any gray day bright blue. I then after shedding more tears turned to my devotional and found my answer again. It talked about Grace and how it is a force that gives a spiritual energy field that protects and assists. Grace is a Spirits Test flight. It got me to thinking how this whole experience continues to test my spirit and how some days I fail, and yet God sends me another opportunity to not fail but to victoriously win. I choose to lose or win not God, I choose to be that light that Haley taught me so well to be and I Choose to shed that light onto those around me. A choice is not always easy but it is a necessity and we must stand up to it everyday and make it right. What we do what we say all has a lasting effect on not only our own self but on those around us and it is quite evident to God if we are giving 150r 20o whatever yours is today know that it is ok to not be perfect but we must strive to be above average. Every second of every minute that I think of Miss Haley I know why God chose her and it was because she always was above average and she never stopped striving for higher, and it was sooooooooo evident to God that she was a high achiever and that she needed to share it with thousands and someday millions. The only way it was possible to reach so many was through a simple yet sometimes complex test in life. Through her sickness and much pain she always maintained her above average care and love and so in this life she passed with flying colors and in this next life she will do so much more then she was limited to here. I thank God for Grace and I thank God for proving it to me through my beautiful daughter Haley Rose. May you get to know Grace and realize how powerful it can be and how important it is to survival in this life and beyond. I love you all and continue our journey together and write write write. Love Amber

Monday, November 8, 2004 9:58 AM CST

Ok Ok here is the update!! Sorry my weekend was busy my mom and brother came over for the weekend to visit. We had a great time with them. Now too more important things. My appointment. Well, we did not find out the sex yet they say it is to early to tell, I will find out probably at my next appt Nov. 23 so we will see then. However, the baby is so cute now, it actually looks like Miss Haley did at this point in my pregnancy with her. It was kicking and making all sorts of movements just as crazy as Haley was. Oh, it also waved at us it was like Miss Haley said “Hey listen up brother or sissy you need to wave Hi to mommy and daddy they need to know you are excited to see them” It was really neat and I feel even more close now and the bond is really growing. The heartbeat was 168 and it looked very healthy and very active the doctor said that is a really good sign, and the measurements of the baby’s head and body are looking right on so they feel at this point by looking there are no abnormalities with the baby at all. Keep praying this will continue through the entire pregnancy. I also have felt some movement and that has been so surreal to me. We are really anxious for the news on the sex as you all are as well and cannot wait to find out what it is. The doctor briefly made a comment that it was very active like a boy usually is but we told her Haley was the same way, plus, mommy had a bunch of m & m’s right before to get the baby to move around a bit so we could find out sex. I am sure that also had an effect on the activeness of the baby. HE HE. Anyways, we are hoping for a girl but like we said before we will take anything. Although if we have a boy we are really really going to need boy stuff. Keep praying and I will write more later. Hug your little ones for me today please. Hey smile because it is sunny today. YEAH, but very cold. Talk to you soon.

Wednesday, November 3, 2004 7:35 PM CST

Hello Everyone

Congratulations on a successful Voting turnout. I was so excited to cast my vote yesterday and was even more excited to see how many people did the same. We really need to take opportunities like this to demonstrate our core beliefs and let the world know where our values SHOULD lie. I am glad it is over though. I was so tired of all the advertisements on television and getting phone calls from everyone. Thank God we have another four years before the next one. I don’t know about all of you but we got very little sleep waiting to see the results, but finally fell asleep with the tv on. I hope you all voted and are happy you did.

I wanted to also share with you how I am feeling with the little one inside of me. I am getting larger now, and that is good and bad, I am getting more uncomfortable now and need many more pillows to control gravity, HE HE. I am getting more excited now and that is an achievement and you all know why. Losing a child and having a child our in direct opposites when it comes to emotion and when you lose a child and are expecting soon after, a process takes place that no one can really understand. In a normal situation you are beside yourself with anticipation and excitement, but in my situation it has been a tad more difficult, for one thing, I am still mourning the loss of my precious angel. That loss and the mourning that follows takes up so much of you emotionally. It is like you find it hard to attach yourself to people because you are afraid of feeling the loss again. Confusing but very true. This is very different for me considering that it is the complete opposite for me normally. I am doing better and feeling more at peace everyday. God has truly intervened in my life and has allowed me to grow in ways that I needed to. Friday I go to the doctors and have another ultrasound to pinpoint if there are any problems with spine and other areas in the little one and also to maybe find out the sex of the baby. I hope we know I told the baby to be fully developed by Friday in that general area so we may find out. Hopefully, he or she will spread their legs like Miss Haley did for us when we found out about her. It was really funny she was trying to run away from the ultrasound scope, her little legs were kicking and trying to establish a safe place inside that small little sac of love juice. It was a sure sign of what was to come of her, showing her feistiness before she was fully cooked. I hope this little one shares some little reminders of those good times and I am ok with this one creating her/his own. I swear I felt a kick yesterday and I was freaking out, they say it is very hard to feel at this stage in the pregnancy but I think God allowed me to so that I could feel life again. Keep praying and writing to me and I will do the same for all of you. Take care and God bless all of you. Love Amber

Sunday, October 31, 2004 6:51 PM CST

A year ago tonight was the start of the changing of our lives and so today was very strange and hard to believe. I look back and cannot rationalize all that has happened and then I start to think more clearly and all the sudden so many things strangely make some sense to me. I know my precious angel like all of us here on this earth are here for specific reasons and although most of us do not know to the full extent of what those reasons are we can all be assured that it is truly something amazing and beyond our understanding. Trust me I get mad and sometimes I even question God, but even in those dark moments I know the truth as hard as it is to understand or comprehend. Tonight I handed out treats to the trick or treaters and yes I was sad but I also was happy all those children were having fun like my Haley would of and are being silly just as all children can be and yet their innocence and pureness was still revealed to me through their many thank you’s and their cute little sweet faces shone with smiles that melted my heart. I cannot wait till next year when I can take part in the fun again. I hope all of you had a wonderful weekend and spent lots of time being silly and laughing and getting sugar buzzes from all the candy that you stole from your little ones goodie bags, yeah I know how it works tomorrow you will start that darn exercise routine to make up for all the extra pounds you put on, HE HE, Sorry I had to pick fun. Truly though I hope you had some good times and have taken lots of photos and videos of your cute little ones, because those once in lifetime moments happen only once in a lifetime. Well, keep praying and lifting us up in your prayers. I want to ask you all a favor, there is a little girl named Sydney Dungan who is three years old and was in remission from Neuroblastoma and just last week found out she has some unusual spots on her tibia bone. Her parents are searching for answers and treatment options and need some powerful prayers to come their way for strength and guidance, this terrible disease has already taken to many beautiful Angels to Heaven and we need to find a way to stop this from happening. I will keep you posted. Thank You Amber Love you all very much.

Thursday, October 28, 2004 1:18 PM CDT

I am back after being out of town for a few days and wanted to let you all know how I am doing. I visited my mother for a couple days and it was nice to see her. Distance is so hard when you are craving to be so close to family and friends, but it does make you appreciate that time a great deal. She is doing well, despite all that has happened this year, but she is a bit lonely and needs some prayers sent her way for peace and love. I cannot believe how quickly time passes anymore. Things and people change so rapidly . I think in a strange way Haley’s ascending to heaven has made me appreciate time more, understanding that each moment needs to be fully lived and fully embraced. I truly feel, that life does stand still and it is us that moves around it to busy to take a moment to stand in awe of it and to determined to get the long list of to do’s done before you go nutz. I find it so neat that nature around us understands this world far better than we do and that they just adapt to things vs. try to change things. We are so good at changing things and not adapting. Trust me this is a lesson I am still learning. Why is it that we must change things to make us feel better? Why not just change our own thinking and look at the situation with different eyes and interpret those things correctly. Not only that, but trying to change things all the time is far more stressful then just accepting things as they are. I wonder what kind of change we could make in each day by just adapting better to each given situation. Granted change is bound to happen to all of us and instead of trying to change it back or make it better we should try to adapt to it and accept it and see how much happier everyone would be. Strangely enough this insight was given to me today by some birds in the back yard, as you know it is that time of year for them to have great family reunions and head to the south for the warmth that is leaving them here. As I was watching them I realized how they all stuck together and sang and chirped to one another and how beautiful it was that they would take time to spend with one another and celebrate together in the midst of preparing for the long journey ahead. Despite the sounds that would scare them they still came back to where they were to continue with their gathering. Every time a noise or a car some other interruption would scare them off they still came back to finish what they had been enjoying before change tried to conquer them. You see just as in life we get derailed we must pick up our engine and begin where we left off and not allow ourselves to be motivated by our own deception to change something that was meant to be left alone. I think about how Jesus was the master at understanding and adapting to situations all while he was setting the stage for many lessons learned. He knew that in his life he had a purpose and that the world around him was changing and instead of changing himself he adapted to it and took it for what it was worth and left each situation unchanged. He maintained his own integrity to his realness and did not let things or people or situations change who he was and what he stood for, This is very similar to our lives today in how the world pushes us to model it and sometimes we do, but if we did not model it but modeled Jesus and what he taught us we would not have to feel pressured to change but to adapt with different eyes but the same heart. Our heart is the leader to our happiness and following it is a necessity. Hope this helps today it did for me. Love to you all and have a wonderful day and keep up the writing. Love Amber

Monday, October 25, 2004 5:43 PM CDT

Hello everyone! Hope you all had a great weekend despite the icky weather. Today, however, is just perfect! Couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful fall day. Hope all of you and your families find time to enjoy it today. We had a pretty good weekend. Missed Miss Haley Rose a lot though, as usual lately this time of year brings a lot of memories roaring back of her initial diagnosis and then her wonderful but very short few months left with us here on this Earth. I still am in denial and still am aching for her smile and her gentle hands on my face and her caring way she would take care of everyone before herself and still wonder why? I know why but why couldn’t she just have been here longer with us. I guess I am hoping and so is daddy that she was somehow reincarnated back into my belly and that in a few short months she will be with us again. But I need to remember that this little angel in me is someone special and that it may never be Haley but it surely will be Haley’s brother or sissy. What a blessed little soul to have such a wonderful sissy! I cannot wait to hold my own baby again and feel that precious sweet soul next to mine and smell their smell and just be in awe of them and embrace that moment with all that is in me. I cannot begin to tell you how much I will feel and how much I will cry with more emotion then my own body knows how to feel, To have your baby go to heaven before you is the most agonizing thing that could happen and although your mind and your heart argue with the truth of why you still find yourself weak and heavy at times. You can be strong and happy that she is in heaven but your body must grieve as well. It is a constant struggle and the beautiful reminders of her are everywhere you turn and again you must be strong and know that like the poem “footprints” God is carrying you through that moment. Knowledge of our heavenly fathers plan and purpose envelope me at times and I continue to ask for answers, but they are there they just take time to be revealed and my impatience gets the best of me at times. Haley had a way to make me see the world so differently, and in such a way that made me feel so lucky to be here. She would embrace life and every moment with the most courageous heart and gave me and everyone she met such massive insight on true love. I miss her so much and I need her so much , I still pray every night that she will show herself to me from heaven and give me more peace inside of the security of her new home and to see her happy. I will wait and wait till she reveals herself to me and when she does I will still wait for more visions of her. Remember to hug your children like you hugged them the first time you saw them and keep taking time to spend with them and love them and nourish their minds with comfort that only a family can give. I love you all and continue to share stories with me on how Haley reaches you everyday and how she has touched their lives. Love always. Amber

Tuesday, October 19, 2004 2:23 PM CDT

Hello my sweet friends.
I wanted to update you on my doctor’s appt today and fill you in on the latest of this little miracle growing inside me. Well, to Patrick and my surprise we found out through ultrasound that I am only 8 ½ weeks along vs. the 10 weeks we thought we were and we got to see the baby and hear (her .... wishful thinking) heartbeat. The baby was beautiful but it still looks kind of like an alien right now but it is so neat to know that it is ok and the heartbeat was 178 WOW!!! The lady said that that was healthy but I couldn’t believe it. That seems so high to me. I go in two weeks from Friday November 5th to have another ultrasound and to have some testing done. This will be nice to see it again and see how much it has grown in two weeks. So my due date now is May 26th. So darn it, it is coming 10 days later now. I guess it is better to be baked all the way before it comes into this great big world.

I thought a lot about Miss Haley today at the doctor’s appt. It brought back a lot of memories , good ones , of before my beautiful Angel came into my arms. I really think it is a girl, I found out it came from my right overy, I was like totally surprised they could tell you that. Hopefully, right overies produce more Haley’s. I wish she could have been here today to hear the heartbeat and get excited about the baby. I can just visualize her in heaven all happy and blowing the baby kisses and sending down lots of love and warmth. I miss you all so much, I just love to hear from you and see how my precious angel has changed your lives and made us all better people and parents. That makes me feel so proud to know how many souls she reached on her short lived mission on this earth.

Words of advice for today. Patrick was reading me an article today in the doctors office and it said that 30% of children in school think about committing suicide and that 10% actually try. I wanted to cry. I cannot understand this fact, our children deal with so many things in this world these days and have to grow up far to quickly and we must try to reach out to them and let them know how special they are and what they mean to God. I know that most of these children probably come from broken homes or stressful home environments and then to top that off they go to school and receive more and more dysfunction. They receive it through classmates, the mirage to be perfect and to try to feel as though they belong. These feelings of begin at home and move into the other aspects of their lives. I guess I just ask that all of us pay more and more attention to not only our children but to their friends and their schools and somehow try to stop this from happening to someone we know. Pray that God enters back into the schools and creates the right movement. Get involved and try to stay close to your children so that they come to you in a time of need and feel comfortable to talk with you about their problems. I am so glad to feel all your prayers but in addition to our family pray for the children in the schools. Love always Amber. I posted some new pics. Enjoy.

Friday, October 15, 2004 12:57 AM CDT

Hello Everyone;

Today is two months since Haley has been gone and it is a rough day for me. The weather doesn’t help much either. Why is it, rainy days just have a way of making you so depressed and sad. Well, despite the rain I know up in heaven where Haley Rose is at the sun is shining brightly. Yesterday, in the late afternoon I was rearranging my living room a bit and cleaning and I found a little M & M, Haley used to give us those with her tea, it broke my heart, I wished so badly she was here to feed it to me and say Eat Mom Eat. As if that wasn’t bad enough I turned on the TV hoping to find something to make me not cry and I turned on Oprah, Well, needless to say, that was about Celine Dion’s new album called Miracle and the whole show was about babies and how they survived some of the most amazing stories of survival. I so wished my Haley could have been on the show telling the world that she beat the odds of cancer. I know she did beat it, but she is not here to celebrate it and that would be so wonderful. I guess you could say that time is not always healing, It seems to me the more time passes by the more I miss her. Not to mention all the lonely days I spend without her. Truly, a child can fill your life so full of love, I never imagined how much of a difference it would be to not see her everyday. I know all of us moms are guilty of wishing you could have a break from mothering and have a nice long vacation and just relax. Well, let me tell you, you don’t want to have to imagine what Patrick and I feel. So be thankful for those never-ending days of stress and take joy in them, because when they are gone, those precious moments of truth will be sorely missed. I tell you all that so much, I don’t want it to become repetitive but you must realize how huge your children are and what a God sent they are to save us and to make us more happy and knowledgeable human beings. The songs on the Oprah show that Celin Dion sang, brought chills and many rolling tears as her voice reached into my soul and tugged tightly, I cannot begin to tell you how true and powerful those words were and how much they reached my pain for Haley Rose and pushed it out of me. You can only be so strong sometimes and sometimes your mind and your heart fight and one always wins and it is usually more than likely is your honest and pure heart. I bought her Cd today and listened to those beautiful songs again and again. Thank you Oprah and Celine for allowing me to morn, my soul was aching to do so fully. I was talking with a friend yesterday and while I was explaining the mourning process and how you are in shock at first and over time your reality sets in and you just break, and then you rebuild and then break again and you keep doing this process. I realized that that is very much like everyone in this world and our relationship with the Lord., he always wants us to rebuild and be prepared for the breaking that will come. We must stand steadfast in Gods presence and always be looking for a way to rebuild and begin again. In every new day God gives us there is a new lesson to be learned, Yesterday my lesson was how wonderful being a mother is and what a huge impact we have on our children. God created us in the way we are for many reasons and one very important reason is to be the steadfast love in our families and to mend them when broken and maintain them when they are strong. Our emotions are our tools to reaching everyone around us and those tools are what we pass on to our children. Whether we out live them or they out live us those tools have and will be used to make them special and make them survive in the most unfortunate situations and to be able to prosper they must have love to make it through. That compassion that love teaches is something remarkable and something amazing and more than anything a tool God gave to us to share. So today’s lesson is to figure out what our tools are and use them in great ways. I miss and love you all and keep the prayers coming. God bless and keep looking cause I will be changing the pics this weekend. Love AMBer

Sunday, October 10, 2004 6:48 PM CDT

Hello my dear and sweet friends. I love you all so much and I know that Haley is sending her love to you from heaven and she is smiling on all of you and giving you all warmth in your life. I have had a rough couple days, this past week. It is very difficult to understand things even when they are so easy to explain. I know that God works in mysterious ways and that he can pull you up when you have fallen and carry you through the sand and rushing waters that envelope you at times and that is my only strength. I truly can visualize his presence in my life and can see him working on my and molding me into a better more complete person. Just like Haley Rose did and continues to do. I wish I could just see those beautiful eyes up close again and see God. What a pleasure it was to see God working through such a small little child. I continue to be strong only because Haley did and so there for I owe her and God. We are so fortunate for everything in our life and all those quick moments that pass are truly gifts from our father in heaven and we must continue to hold on to them and embrace them before they run from us again. I watched more videos of Miss Haley Rose the other night and all I can tell you is what a sweet little child she was. In the video she was dancing to music and holding her pooh bear and sharing a dance or two with him, that lucky little pooh ! Then she was swinging with her sissy on the swing which we all knew she loved so much and she demanded mommy or daddy to sit with her and swing along with her. What a special moment to be asked to only share yourself nothing else but you. That is so honest and so pure and simple, yet sometimes it seems like a task, let me remind you that is nothing more than a gift and at that moment you are being tested to see if you will accept something as special as just sharing a moment. Haley then got out of her swing and worked her way to me through the tall grass and when she got to me she looked at me through the camera and smiled without hesitation. Even though that trip through the tall grass wore her out she still had energy to smile. Then daddy had a bug and Haley wanted to see it and even though it made her a little scared she embraced it and made a comment “gross” “sick”. The facial expressions are priceless and that moment when she still wanted to see it despite its grossness and sickness she still tugged with her tom boy self to pursue more info on this creature she was unsure of. That is the love of a child and that is a simple pleasure we must embrace so tightly and never release . Your child is nothing more than a mold of you and our children bring us what we taught them to bring, and even those moments when your patience is being put to test just remember Jesus and his patience with us. We are so fortunate to have a father in heaven that fully forgives us and takes us under his arm to comfort us and look to him for direction. For anyone who has lost a loved one, you realize how precious life is and the gifts those loved ones brought to us is what remains. That is what we must focus on every new day. If I went to heaven today what gifts would I have given to others ? What would remain of me and what would not. I have learned through Haley Rose and my step-father that the most powerful impacts that our made are made only through the heart. I can honestly say, that my heart is forever changed and my spirit is forever made new. I want you all to keep praying for all of us. It is so important and is so successful. I had an appointment with the doctor this week and the baby is due May 15, 2005. It was exciting to know that a new little life will soon be able to be held in my arms and the tears welt up in my eyes when I think of that moment because I crave it so badly. I cannot explain to you all how much it hurt me to say good-bye to Miss Haley or how much it has made me feel empty, but in the same way it has made me stronger and I know the power of God first hand and can tell you that he knows more than us and he knows the path we must take so listen up and listen up well. Tonight when we were watching a movie we saw on our Television screen Haley’s handprints and her lips where she was probably watching her pooh and decided to kiss him on the T.V. what a haunting reminder of how much love one little child can hold in your hearts. I don’t think I can clean it now it means to much and there right in front of me were her lips to kiss and her hands to hold in the only way I can hold and kiss them. Embrace your life and that life of your husband and your children and do it in Haley ‘s memory. I love you all and keep writing. I mean it! God Bless. Love Amber

Sunday, October 3, 2004 2:21 PM CDT

Hello My Dear friends;

What a week! It has been a really rough week emotionally for me. I cannot tell you how many moments seconds minutes hours pass that I don’t think about Miss Haley Rose and her time with me and the many adventures she taught me to remember to have. She was such an inspiration to me. Just when I thought I would lose it she would make me see the light. Every photo captures her so perfectly and there is such a strong truth in them about what she is to us and what she has brought us all in this world. She could and still can bring you to laughs and cries and giggles. Every thing she did was so beautiful and so pure. I ache for her more than I could explain to you. I told my dad that I find myself drinking more water to replenish the fluids that I lose out of my body through my eyes and those darn tears that I cry. I truly find it hard to keep staying positive but then I remind myself “she is still here, just not physically” but it is not the same. But I know this to shall pass, as God has taught me and with him all things are possible, even when they seem impossible. I just have to remember that and keep reminding myself that someday we will meet again and we will be embracing one another forever and ever. I thought of a funny story that Haley did when she was about 6 months old. It is so funny.

Ok every mom can relate to this I guarantee. You know when your babies are little and you must watch them wherever you are at. Well, when Miss Haley was little , like every morning before I would go to work, ( yeah this is when I still thought you could feasibly work and be a super mom ) NOT! It probably can be done, but not with me. Anyways, when I would get ready to take a shower I would bring Haley in the hall right outside of the bathroom and put a blanket down and let her play while I take a very quick shower. This particular morning, I had brought her teething ring for her to play with and she would play with it while I was in the shower and I would be carrying on a conversation with her and watch her while I take a shower. Well, I got out and was drying off and all that fun stuff, and looked down at Haley and she was still contently playing with her teething ring and toys. So next step was to blow dry my hair and while I would do that I would blow Haley too and she would laugh and smile so cute. I was finishing up with my upside down blow dry of the hair and as I finished I look at Haley again and I nearly laughed till I peed my drawers. I looked down at her and you know how those teething rings our see thru, well, I am sure no one told you that they magnify as well. Haley Rose had the teething ring laying on her face and two of the teething ring circles were conveniently covering her eyes and she looked as though she had on the thickest coke bottled glasses anyone could make. You all realize how big her eyes are already, well, just imagine them 10 times that big and you will have my visual. If that was not funny enough she just laid there so still and so quiet with the thing on her eyes and probably thought her mother had lost it. It was one of those moments only a mother could love. Thought you might enjoy it. Please continue to pray and continue to let your children mold you and continue to laugh. Love you all and I looked back and found some more pics I thought you would love to see. Love Amber

Monday, September 27, 2004 8:12 PM CDT

Hello Everyone;

Hope you all are doing well today! Today has been busy and nutty, but I wanted to write and let you all know that I miss all my followers, some of you are consistently keeping in touch, others I must say are slacking a bit. So get back in the swing of things and share a story or just say hi anything will do. Tonight we got a new desk and while we were putting it together and I yawned nearly a thousand times and Patrick kept smiling and thinking I was nutz, it was funny because I couldn’t stop it, it was like hick-ups. First time that has ever happened to me. We are now done and things are gradually getting put back in their place. But now I am really tired. I was thinking today about a story I could tell you about Haley Rose and one came to mind. Because we were putting together the desk, this particular memory came running back in my mind of my sweet helpful Haley. We got her this little red bike thing for her birthday this year and of course like any toy it was in a million pieces and so Dad had to put it together so she could ride it. Anyways, Haley of course had to be in on the action, and their were about a million little pieces to put together, so Dad was having a hard time keeping track of all the little pieces and Haley was trying to take the many pieces and be like Daddy and put them somewhere on the bike. I watched and laughed because it was so funny watching how serious her little face was and how intent she was on finding a way to help, even when Daddy would have rather she didn’t because at the time it was frustrating, and he didn’t want her to run off with any pieces. She didn’t run off at all as a matter of fact she stayed right along Daddy’s side until he finished and it was adorable watching them. I thought how at that moment she was teaching us another valuable lesson, Patience. It is so hard to accommodate your child to every situation and it is even harder to fight their determination to be a part of all they want to, but how necessary it is for their little brains to try and figure things out. Even though in hindsight it seems much quicker and easier just to do things ourselves, sometimes it stands in the way of their natural eagerness to want to learn on their own. I think it is instinctive for us Moms and Dads to just want to fix things for their child but just as instinctive as it is for us it is nearly inevitable that your child will want to learn their own way through their little world. So don’t stand in the way of their curiosity and encourage them to make decisions and be there to back them up when they will need you. I hope this helps today and I hope you all will begin to share again some of your hearts and stories of your own experiences so that we can all learn from you as well. Have a wonderful evening and keep smiling and being real. Love always, Amber

Sunday, September 26, 2004 2:59 PM CDT

Hello Everyone!!

I hope you all had a great weekend. I went home to my moms for a couple days to visit with her and make sure she is doing good. She is having a real rough time right now and I ask all of you to pray for her strength and her courage to face the unknown. She is such a sweet person and I know she would love to have more prayers coming her way. Thank you in advance for your prayers. I watched some videos of Miss Haley today and loved to see her smile and hear her sweet voice again. It is so hard without her here with me. She made me laugh and live such a full life. I was so silly with her and she loved it! I think we need to be silly with our kids sometimes because Lord knows life is way to serious and sometimes we just need to remember how imperfect we are so our children can feel good about not having to be perfect but feel good about being who they are. They need to understand that their individuality is truly what makes them who they are and that who they are in Gods eyes is perfect. I am such a sucker for a good laugh. This weekend while visiting my mother I realized just that again. It has been quite awhile since I laughed since Miss Haley was here and so it was just aching to come out of me. While we (my mother and my brother Jordan and I) were all traveling to Church Saturday evening we could not stop laughing, to be honest I don’ t even remember exactly what triggered it, but someone said something funny and then everything we all did was funny. Needless to say, we got the laugh we all so much needed and it was one of those good belly laughs, you know the ones where you can’t breathe. It was funny, people passing us on the road probably thought we were all from some other planet or that we all had just been released from some kind of asylum, but being silly and imperfect was just what we needed. So today or in the next couple days or everyday, try to save some room to laugh and get down on your child’s level and meet them half way to Haleyland. I know that it will not only make their day better but it will make yours better too. Sometimes, we all get so uptight and just so wound up that we could just go to our rooms and hide, but take that pint up stuff and turn it into something good and constructive instead of waste less stress, trust me the bad guys downstairs don’t need to win anymore and God is just aching for us to look upward for direction. I miss ya and love you all very much. I will be posting some new pics of Miss Haley Rose so stay tuned in and keep up the writing. I mean it!!!! :)

Thursday, September 23, 2004 8:23 AM CDT

Hello everyone!

It has been a busy week, between cleaning and organizing it has given me little time to write, but as I promised Haley as well as all of you, I will not let you down. I have been thinking a lot lately about life and living it to its fullest, and I wanted to share with you all my thoughts again.

I know how hard the days are when you get home from work and have to work more or for those stay at home moms who work all day running around and cleaning and then run, run, run to take kids to games and practices etc. I thought about how easy it is to get caught up in the monotonous day-to-day fillers. I was thinking that there ought to be a way for every mom to not only spend quality time with their children and families but to also not forget about taking time for yourself. One of the things I learned with Miss Haley Rose was taking a little moment to catch your breath and renew your mind by taking an hour or 15 minutes or whatever you can manage to take is really the determining factor in your ability to really enjoy children and your family in a greater manner. It is so easy to sit here and tell you to love your children more or better or just completely but it is almost as important to first love God and yourself so that you may make that time with your children and your families more valuable. I remember when I told Patrick about my idea about having time to myself so that I could prepare for part 2 of the day and he thought it was a good idea but making it happen is very difficult because the demands our so great and you are only one person. However, it can happen and even though it may only be 10 minutes, it is 10 minutes to clear your minds of stress and fill them with good thoughts that can empower you to make it through successfully. Take that time to read devotions to take a bath or sit outside and pray or just breathe in newness. I hope this will help you to not only get the strength to pull you through but will also help in making the impossible… possible. Haley taught us to live simply, to love fully, and to love as God loves us. Even when the battles seem hard and great, they are able to be won . If we can make that win more victorious by focusing our energies on what truly matters we will win on all levels. Our children and our husbands, God, we can all win, our actions will be greatly rewarded. Truly, making this a necessary part of your everyday process I promise will help. Just building your relationship with the Lord through prayer or devotions helps in building up your soul and your armor to allow you the help you need to take on today and by having your armor brushed off and cleaned up helps your mind stay positive and free of stress. I know our children and families feel our stress or our energy or our love for life, that feeling directs them, remember that they learn from us and they become better human beings because of us and because of the comfort and love we provide that gives them the needed tools to be strong and care about everyone. Love thy neighbor as thy love yourself. Love is never hurtful and never forgotten. I hope this helps you today and for many days ahead and with the crazy holidays not too far away remember what our purpose in life is and not what life tells us our purpose is. I love you all and will write again later. I am feeling pretty good, It is so amazing how this little life is inside of me is growing and to be able to experience this again is so amazing and very bittersweet for me but as always my little angel Haley Rose is always missed and forever loved. I would so love to have her nose kiss and her sweet hugs and a gentle touch to my face as she so easily and unselfishly gave, but I just imaging when she was here and when she did those things and beautiful tears welt in my eyes I feel blessed and loved again by my new angel in heaven. Love you all and keep writing. Love Amber

Sunday, September 19, 2004 7:50 PM CDT

Hello again my dear friends and family;

I am sitting here this Saturday filled with so much love and happiness after hearing some of your heart warming stories of how Haley Rose has touched and changed so many of your lives. I am so proud of her for being such a strong beautiful spirit in this world that so desperately craves the obvious things that her as well as many other children can teach us everyday if we are willing to receive it.

As you all know we have been trying to have another one and as much as I wanted to wait to tell you all till I got further along I just couldn't bear to not tell you, so there you have it we are pregnant!!! It is so wonderful to know that I will have a chance to have another child but it is so hard also, for many reasons. Haley was so primed to be a wonderful big sissy and she would be so excited to be able to love her or him up as she loved up her baby dolls, she was so cute with them. I used to watch her with her dollies and she was such a little doty thing. She was doing everything that I did with her with her dollies. It was so neat to see her rub imaginary lotion on them and feed them bottles and change their diapers. She learned so quickly and seemed to be the perfect little mommy. SO it hurts me a lot to know that she will miss out on that or that I will miss out on that vision with her and her little sissy or brother. I know though that she will be watching from heaven and sending lots of love our way as we all go through this together. I do feel that little Miss Haley and God made some kind of arrangement for this little surprise to happen so quickly. I am so glad those two are working together up there in heaven to help us everyday get through all this. I cannot stop missing Miss Haley and all the love she so freely gave without hesitation. This little innocent child growing within me I know will be special just like their sis and so that gives me some peace. Patrick and I feel privileged to have this happen so quickly and we thank God for his blessings and for this precious gift everyday. We are approx. 4 weeks. So we still have along way to go. So pray that this child will be healthy and strong and have no sickness. I am confident that God would not allow another child to be sick but a mother cannot help but worry a little after going through all that we have went through. I am holding on to the Lord’s promises though and we will all see what he delivers us in 9 months time. I hope you all can continue to pray for us and our families and we will yours as well. Hold on tight to those little ones and squeeze them extra tight for us tonight. I love you all and cannot wait to hear from you!!!! Love Amber

Thursday, September 16, 2004 8:56 AM CDT

Hello my friends! I just added those photos they are cute and reminded me of things that mean alot to me. She is so beautiful and she is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I miss her so much and cannot wait to give her all my love again in heaven. I found these pics this morning while looking through my photos and I didn't think I had ever posted these ones. To explain the first one we must visit Haleyland. Do you all remember the first time your little ones found out they had a twin in the mirror. I remember this day so vividly. Haley was as usual being her sweet self and she was in her room playing and she has a mirror as her closet door and she was in there doing her normal playing when she noticed that someone was doing what she was doing in the mirror, she got up and started to touch the mirror and kept pointing at the mirror and at herself and repeated this cycle several times, she was purely mystified at how this little person looked kind of like her and how cute she was. I ran to get my camera and catch this moment as honestly as I could. I wanted to melt it was so warming to my heart to see her take such a social interest in this new vision of what she was trying to comprehend. Then she started carrying on this conversation with her other self in the mirror and she said "me" and pointed to the mirror and said "me". It was so cute and innoccent and she thought she was something else that day because she was so smart. There were more photos that go with that one and it shows the sequencial event as it took place. I think they need to give you more room to post photos. The other pics were her last visit to the hospital it was the middle one and she was not having fun that last visit but she still managed to find enough love in through her pain to give my wuzzy bear a gigantic kiss and hug. My grandmother gave that to me, who died of cancer nearly 15 years ago and it is now an even more special bear to me since Miss Haley Rose gave it so much of her love as well.The last photo is one that we took last Nov 03 only days after we found out Haley had cancer and just after she came out of ICU, she was so scared and didn't quite understand why we were in the hospital but she as always was being her beautiful sweet self.

Yesterday, was a hard day it was one month since Haley Rose's ascending to heaven. Mommy went to lunch with a friend and then came home and watched some video of Haley's last days with us. I watched them with tears welting down my face because in those videos she showed the true courage we all learned from. Her last two days she where she was starting to have pain in her head and eyes from the tumors growing in those areas and she would rub her eyes ears and head becasue it bugged her and I can only imagine how much pain she was in. Even morphine in the huge doses she was getting could not sustain the irritation. But the amazing thing was she was still not complaining and still fighting to be normal. She played, watched animal planet with daddy and was still managing her smiles and unselfish love. I watched in such amazement and adoration as she proved to me once again that the most important things are love and family. Even in her darkest hours she shown light and shown it so brightly. I was watching and was missing her and hearing her little voice gave me the shivers, but I thought how lucky we were to have this beautiful soul as long as we did and fortunate that we are to have been changed by her in such tremendous ways and how absolutely jealous I am that God had to take her with him to allow this love that she has to be more and more effective from heaven then she could have been here on earth. I sometimes, ok all the time pray for one more kiss and one more hug and one more pat on the back with those angelic graceful long fingers of hers, and even realizing that will never happen doesn't stop me from craving it and needing it. All the love in the world will not change that void for me, but knowing that I can further change people's lives makes that easier to bear. I am so changed because of Miss Haley Rose and so much stronger and better as a person and as a wife and mother. I only wish we could of all had more time with her to experience her daily love and lessons. The hardest things are having to find my own strength and love for life on my own now, without having Haley there to bluntly remind me to think richly and simply about life and love and family, and that even though the sun may not shine it must shine through us and it must because Haley taught us to make it shine in our hearts and our minds and souls. I love you all and love to hear stories from all of you about how Haley Rose is changing or has changed your lives. Please let me know what she has done in your lives so I may feel her love though all of you. Thank you for the continued prayers and love and support. Let not a moment or a second pass without loving fully. Love Amber

Monday, September 13, 2004 3:43 PM CDT

Hello everyone!

We have made is back from Colorado and we had a wonderful time and it was the best place to go to deal with everything. The beautiful nature, just like oxergen, you just couldn't get enough of it. Every where you looked was another magnificant view of mountains and trees and rocks. I cannot believe that so much exists that we never have seen. While we were there we had plenty of tears and also enjoyed some laughs and smiles. We really miss Haley Rose more then anyone can imagine and I believe she was there with us in spirit. It is really hard sometimes to express how you feel and sometimes you could just burst out in tears over something like watching a little child and wishing it was Haley so you could love her up some more, and other times you can calm the storms by thinking about her in heaven and how much fun she is finally able to have free of illness and filled with overwhelming love and happiness and that she will only feel like we have been gone only a second in time, and then we will be reunited. That day will be a beautiful and complete day to see her in heaven and hold her again. It is mind boggling the feelings that you feel when you lose a little child, the hardest part is trying to be normal whatever that is, is still unknown to me, but thanks to Our heavenly father I have something stronger to help me get through it, someone there to hear your crys and melt away the tears you seem to continue to leak out. All I can continue to tell you is to hold your loved ones dear and close and remember no day can be redone so do it right the first time. Fill your days with the things that fill you up permantly not temporarily. Love and family our the only things you should hold on a pedestal and nothing else can stand as tall and as true as that fullness of love. Granted no day is perfect and neither is any one person, but we have the power to turn things around to a positive instead of a negative and I hope every night before you go to sleep you take a good look at your day and know that you made it great even in the midst of struggles. I know that my daughters loss may not effect you the same as it effects me but the lesson learned from her should and can effect all of us the same. We all have learned from her how to remember to think as a child thinks and love as a child loves, Purely without hesitation or judgement. Haley Rose would be honored if you would along with me and Patrick pass on this lesson and apply it fully to our own lives and families. Put down the remote to the TV and listen to your child, let them remind us where to put our priorities. I love you all and will be posting more info and new pics of Miss Haley Rose and NEVER forget HALEYLAND!!!!!!! May it live on through all of us forever. Love and miss keep up the writing. Love Amber. Keep praying for us we feel it immensly.

Saturday, September 4, 2004 8:40 PM CDT

Hello my faithful and strong friends;

Yeah I know I will hear about it later, but as usual I couldn't help but not to take a few moments of my vacation to update you and let you know how much you all mean to me Haley Rose and Patrick. You all have become my life support, my air. I don't know where to began, but as I start writing each time with no real path; a path is found and I follow it. First of all we miss Haley Rose so dearly, it is just impossible to not think of her beauty and to try and fill the leak in your soul is so hard. Daddy is having a really tough time and I am to but I keep telling myself that she is happy and she is in heaven's playground and is just waiting to see me and daddy again. I know God is loving her and protecting her and filling her with so much joy and laughter. But that constant reminding myself doesn't fully eliviate the loss my heart and body feels. It is a constant battlefield emotionally. You try to act as normal as you can but then it just eventually catches up with you how abnormal it is without Haley to feel me up and to hold me give me her ever so gentle touch and love. She somehow made life more enjoyable and more fullfilling. She made life more livable and more joyous. On the way here to Colorado, I talked with Patrick extensively about my mission for Haley Rose and how I promised that Haleyland would become a household name and I told him that life gets way to filled up with all the wrong stuff and how through Miss Haley all the right stuff started revealing itself to me and that stiring of my love is what effected everyone else's life and we are forever changed, and I told him that darn it; it will not stop there I am taking this far above and beyond and I will make a difference in every parents life somehow and someway I will change lives for the better and let Haley's lessons go to new extreames. I need your support and your constant following to make it all happen. So be there for me and be there for Miss Haley Rose. On another note we are trying for another little angel. What can I say Haley would have wanted it that way and if God wants it that way he will let us know in due time. Literally. In the meantime, we are having a good time in Colorado we have been staying in a hotel for two nights till we get the cabin and then we will be there through the 12th. We will be in the cabin starting tomorrow night and I cannot wait to be at 11,000 ft. YIKES but in the midst of nature at the cabin. TOday we went and saw some beautiful rock formations called the Garden of the Gods right near Colorado Springs and it is just beautiful. Imagine seeing ordinary rusty colored rocks that you might find anywhere and they are the size of mountains and standing on thier ends in the sky as if to say Hello I am here for you to notice me and to stand in Awe of my presence. It was capitvating. Oh no that was not it then Patrick read about this road cld rampage range road, yep there was the clue. HE HE. Seriously, it went 9,700ft straight up a mountain on a dirt road the size of a car, yeah no two lanes, just one itty bitty wee little one, and it had no railings or fences on its edge, just a complete drop off to 9700ft below to rocks and trees. I was freaking out, I nearly had some sort of panic attack HE HE. Patrick thought it was so funny and he kept telling me to quit being a wimp; Ok girls guys tell me what you would think if you were totally not in control of steering a vehicle and you were the innocent passenger and your view was absolutely stunningly beautiful, but the vehicle's tires were about a foot or less away from death, tell me that you might be a wimp too. HE HE I survived obviously, but like I told Patrick If I wanted to be on Fear Factor I would have signed up. This was 60 miles up a mountain and down agian seeing sights many people have only dreamed of and it was worth every scared to death moment. I will tell you though in honor of myself, I actually got out on a small cliff Patrick took my photo and I took his and behind us was mountains and depts of near 10,000ft drop, and we looked as if we were standing in the sky, how crazy was that so much for me being a wimp, sorry I had to redeem myself. Patrick failed to tell me till after I got out on the cliff that there was a car that evidently went off the road some years ago and it was lying in this floor of this huge mountain smashed to pieces, that unfortunately, didn't help with my already shaken in disbelief mode self. But I managed to not think about the worst case scenario as much as I could allow myself not to. It was a ride I will not soon forget. ALong our path We kept seeing a beautiful bluebird; it I believe was Miss Haley showing up all along the way to give me some comfort. :) She knew mommy needed something to keep my mind busy. We also saw a Deer in the the very top of the mountain and it was so perfect in its setting of aspens and pine trees, just captivating, you all must come here it is so amazing. I want to tell you before I say good night, Thank you for praying for the loss of not only our beautiful Miss Haley Rose but also to my wonderful Step-father, My mind is in shock but I know that Haley is taking care of him and she needed to go in order to save his soul and bring him to GOd. and her Misson was successful as usual always looking out for everyone else. You all must never leave home or stay at home without your Haleyland gear and remember that in order to be happy you need to be happy yourself and spread it like butter to everyone else and treasure that moment each moment like it is your last. I love you all and may God share his love with you today in his own special way. Yours always Love Amber

Saturday, August 28, 2004 5:46 PM CDT

Hello Everyone!

This is Amber's friend, Kristy. She has asked me to update this for all of you, as her family has suffered another tragic loss & your prayers are needed desperately. Amber's stepfather, Gordon Morris, passed away on Friday night of a massive heart attack. Amber is currently in White Pigeon with her family and does not have access to a computer, so she has asked me to let all of you know. Please pray hard for this family as they need it more than ever. For those of you who don't know, Amber & Patrick were scheduled to leave for Colorado on Wednesday, and were to be gone until September 12th. They are still planning on taking their trip, but will probably not leave until Friday. (maybe they will come back with some GOOD news, hee hee =:)I will also give you the info on Gordy's services: There will be 2 Viewings, Monday night from 6-8 pm, and Tuesday from 4-8 pm at the Farrand Funeral Home in White Pigeon. Funeral Services will be Wednesday at 11:00 am at the Catholic Church in White Pigeon. Thank you all for your love & support of this family, it means the absolute world to all of them. LET'S PRAY HARD!!!! God Bless all of you.

Monday, August 23, 2004 6:33 PM CDT

Oh all my dear dear friends, I love you all and need you all so much, reading your entries continues to strengthen me to continue to journal my thoughts and my feelings and my memories of Miss Haley Rose. The last couple of days have been very rough, yesterday was extreamly hard and today was another hard one. I don't know where to begin to explain where my head is at or how my heart aches but I will try as Haley would have wanted me to and because I need to for me and for all of you. Early Sunday Morning, I could not sleep and at about 3am I finally got myself out of bed and pulled out the last couple videos of Miss Haley we had taken at Great Wolf Lodge. I just couldn't take my last visions of her in that casket or in the last days of her fighting and me counting on every breath she took or her very last day when she was just barely hanging on and she lay in my arms so helpless yet so beautiful despite the death you saw comming over her. It was mind boggling to witness and left you speechless and emotionally stained. SO you can understand why I needed to see that smile and those eyes and all the light that just poured out of every part of her and her heart so full and so loving. As I watched I felt sad that I couldn't smell her head and hold her and kiss her hands and cheeks and nose like I did everyday and everynight as she slept, but I felt happy that she knew happiness and felt love and that she was who she was because we made her that way and God made her special so he had to take her back to be with him to help even further in heaven. Someone said that God when he takes something or in our case someone from you that he in return for your faithfullness gives you even more than you can imagine. I can't imagine him giving me more than he already gave me through Haley Rose but if he has something up his sleeve than Bring it on.:) I wonder why he chose us, why he chose her, but watching those videos of her playing and sharing and loving everyone just gives me peace beyond this worlds understanding and made me feel somewhat whole agian. The trouble is as the song I played and re-played at Haley's viewing and at her funeral is that everyday we must Be able to admit that we fail God in a thousand ways and that even in those dark moments or those selfish moments of falling behind in our progress he reminds us that as the song says; NO FAULT, NO WRONG, NO DARK OF NIGHT - CAN HIDE ME FROM YOUR EYES, I CANNOT FALL OR CLIMB-FARTHER THAN YOUR GRACE CAN REACH. I must tell you this song is my favorite since I first heard it years ago and everytime I feel weak or weary it resonates in my mind and it allows me to fully understand the length at which God loves us and even when we fall short he still loves us. IT amazes me and it really allows me to better understand the trials we go through and to know you are not alone. I was reading in my little daily devotional and it talked about how music is not only beautiful but it is healing and through it as we embrace the words and meditate on them we are praying. So look for music today that meets you at a place in your heart and helps you to gain strength and empower you to go on and strive for greater things in your lives. I wanted to tell you a story about Haley Rose. On the day before she fell asleep into heaven's bed I could tell she was lonely and scared and I sensed how she knew what lie ahead of her and I read her a Pooh story about winter. Ironically, Haley Rose never fully got to enjoy winter so it was interesting that friends of hers got her this book. I was reading to her and holding her and telling her about winter and snow angels and snowmen and though she was weak and her eyes were heavy and a little ok a lot drugged up she smiled and learned about winter. I as I was reading it was in tears but worked through them with Haley because I knew that she knew what I knew and that was she would not get to spend her winter with us, she would have to spend it above us in heaven, but I read to her, it was the last book and story I read to Haley. She even in her last moments was just like all other little children just wanting some comfort and some love and she loved when mommy read to her and I loved reading to her. After we read she fed her little rugged ole Pooh some m & m's (the little ones you find in the cooking isle at the grocery store, she thought they were cookies)and just as always she fed everyone else and then she fed herself a couple for the first time in a couple days she ate. It was a bitter sweet moment but one that was special. Just like every moment with her was. I cannot tell you how precious your little one's life is to you, I can tell you how precious mine was to me and how much she will always be precious to me. Do not let one second pass or one little quirky little thing they do or say be missed because we are to busy, take a mental picture take a million of them and keep taking them because every moment with every human being or child is a precious one and to not have that moment again is undenyably, heartwrenching not to have made it special when you could. So quit worrying about your hair mommies and how you look or how your house looks and start worring about the moment your missing when you do worry about it. I love you all and will continue to work this site over with stories that come to mind and new ones that will make you laugh cry or just plain smile. Keep writing and we together can inspire one one another. Love Amber CHeck out new photos from Haley's last Saturday with us.

Thursday, August 19, 2004 9:58 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends.
WOW!!!! I was so touched tonite by reading all of your continued entries that I had to do as you asked of me RISE TO THE OCCASION. I love you all so much, thier are truly no words that can say thank you enough in return for all your support and love and prayers. I am going purely on some kind of strength that God and Haley and all of you have brought to me at this time through prayers and blessings. Today we took Kealy, Adison & Segar to Cedar Point and we had fun. It rained nearly 3/4 of the day but Haley managed to make some sunshine to end our day as she always had everyday. We rode rides and smiled and laughed and made memories. Thier were a few tears shed in Snoopyland as Patrick and I looked on to all the little babies and toddlers playing and thought about how much Haley Rose would have love to have been there and how much we would have loved to have seen her playing there. Your heart just sinks sometimes now and sometimes it is so full still as if Haley is in the next room just playing and soon she will come calling. The calling never comes and that is when you have to pick yourself up and carry on through that moment not just for yourself but for the three other beautiful faces of Kealy, Adison and Segar. They all are wonderful children as well and are hurting also, but time and time again I tell them that it is ok and Haley has arrived at her eternal home in heaven and she is happy and is no longer hurting and is smiling down on us and helping us at this very moment to be strong and feel encouraged. They seem to respond well to that but there will be harder times ahead for all of us as time sinks in and makes another ring in our trunks of life, just like a tree each ring firmly becomes a part of you and explains a part of your life only you and God can fully understand. A friend reminded me the other day of a disco ball and how Miss Haley Rose was like that to all of us and to our lives. She like crystal could shed beautiful rays of light on us like a disco ball does to a room. She entered a room and with her brought a light so strong it was blinding. Remember that next time you see a crystal light ray or a disco ball that that light is what people need and crave and only we can control it and bring that light out of us and into any and all things. We may never be able to be as good at it as Haley would have been but we certainly can be much better at praticing it everyday. I was reading my Simple Abundance book entry last night and it talked about utilizing tools that God has given you and whatever those tools are in each of our lives that we do well, we need to use for a better purpose than a passing dream or long distance goal of ours. We have the power to make the ordinary, Extrodinary; it only takes one baby step at a time to make the two intersect. But it takes our life here on Earth to perfect it and mold it into endless possiblilities. Don't let me fool you into believing that it would take a lifetime to make change because since this site has been up since April nearly 15,000 lives have become effected. That my friends is something that seems out of this world, but it is not and God can make it happen and in the blink of an eye and the faith of a mustard seed change is attainable. Reach into your soul tonight and find a calling, something that you have wanted to do for quite sometime now and make a step forward in doing it. Not only will your soul be more receptive to doing it but it is a begining in the changing process I talked about in the speech I gave my brother Spence to say at Haley Rose's funeral. When you open your eyes in the morning till when you close them at night you have changed or have changed someone else's life and we are responsible for making that change and effect a good and great one. With that I love you all and keep reading cause my mind never ceases and you are all my rocks so stand firm with me in this mission. Keep praying for all of us and thank you for all of your wonderful first time meetings at the viewing and funeral to a lifetime friendship. Love Amber

Monday, August 16, 2004 9:48 PM CDT

Sorry for the delay but here is when I need you all to be here. Tuesday at 2-8pm is Haley's viewing at the Mason-Dardenne-Walker funeral Home; address is 501 Conant Street Uptown Maumee, Ohio 43537 phone is 419-893-7686. The Funeral services will be held at Cedar Creek Church at 10:30 am on Wednesday; 29129 Lime City Road Perrysburg, Ohio 43551 you can visit www.aroundthecreek.com for a map for directions; thier phone is 419-661-8661 if you have any problems. I need you all and your support and hugs are so desired and I hope to thank you all in person as does Patrick for your support and prayers and for your compassion and love in following regulary Haley's journey to Haleyland "THE REAL ONE". Love to all Always, Amber. You can also get some pictures of Haley's last fun journey of Haleyland on Earth at Great Wolf lodge, if you want the address just email me and I will send you the link. We love you all and will continue on fighting for Haley by bringing this terrible disease to the forefront and hopefully avoiding more innoccent children from leaving this world far to early. Love to all and God Bless you and see you soon. Love Always, Amber

Sunday, August 15, 2004 8:51 PM CDT

At around 4pm today Miss Haley Rose became the Angel that she already was here on earth, in the heavens above. She is now in the arms of Jesus feeling all the love from all who loved her and seeing all those loved ones she has never met. In my mind all I can envision now is her arms so gently embracing Jesus and between her bright light and his one would be blinded by utter beauty. We are hurting so badly that words cannot express the emotional outburst of mourning and celebration of her passing on to heaven. She did not give up the battle ever all the way to the end or shall we say the beginning. She kept pushing on through the pain; through the yearning to be enjoying Haleyland as usual and just through the overall confusion of what was happening to her. She seemed to understand things were changing and she seemed to comprehend that as much as she wanted things to be normal she could sense that it probably wasn't going to be. She, thanks to hospice found the fine line between pain and comfort through the morphine doses at about 3am this morning and by 4pm her sweet little heart could no longer sustain it's victorious journey. She was amazing in her leaving as she was in her arriving to this world 2 years ago and I will never ever forget how much I loved her the minute she opened her eyes to this world and the minute she opened her eyes as she was leaving this world. She has touched so many lives in so many different ways and in mine and Patrick's she has taught us to enjoy the little things and take time to wrap your minds and your hearts around things that are so easily taken for granted. Seeing a bird and be amazed or walking through your front door filled with happiness because your home, or holding a loved ones hand, carressing a loved ones face and holding your hands in thier face so your don't miss a thing about them, kissing and hugging until you can't anymore, sitting and spending quality time when time seems so fleeting, saying I love you......always, loving without condition everyone......always, and more importanly loving like God has taught us and treating people like Jesus showed us and having faith the size of a giant ocean. She represented something that everyone forgets is important, pure and unselfish love, and she took that knowledge that she learned along the way and made it grow into something that to this day I cannot attach a word to and for that I am changed and I am changed for the better. May God continue to remind you that Haleyland can exist through all of us in just doing a simple thing like listening to your heartfelt spirit and acting on its impulses immediately before the time is passed. The time has passed for Haley Rose but her lessons did not so don't be saddened be glad for God gave us the miracle that we were all praying for for Haley Rose and that was by bringing her into this world and for her taking her out of this world was an extention of his miracle. I love you all and we are planning on a viewing for Haley on Tuesday (unsure of the time till tomorrow) in Maumee, Ohio at Maison*Dardene*Walker Funeral Home, and for a funeral service to be held at Cedar Creek Church on Wednesday (unsure of time). Will write again tomorrow so love you all and hope to see you in person for that all needed hug. Love Amber

Friday, August 13, 2004 10:20 AM CDT

Hello Everyone;

Some but not all of you already know we were unable to make the trip to Orlando, FL. to Disney World because of news we heard on Monday. We found out the X-rays were substantially changed and revealed to us that not only did Haley have disease in the lungs and liver and it was growing but so substantially in the lung her lung capacity was now only 50%. Shock is still setting in. Needless to say, our doctor also told us she thought Haley had about a week. Again that is unacceptable and will be till the bitter end. We decided to take a shorter closer to home trip to Great Wolf Lodge in Sandusky, Ohio and it was wonderful and Haley had a blast. Sorry I could not tell you all this till now but we left early Tuesday morning and had guest and packing that took priority. We decided to sign up with Hospice Monday too, so it has been very difficult emotionally to even think clearly let alone write. But I am now officially back. So Hello Again! It was a well worth it trip and was put together through the help of friends, social workers and ultimately paid for by Children's Wish Foundation in a very short amount of time. We just got back today and have been busy trying to reacclimate our new life at home. Haley is receiving approx. 2 mg now every four hours of Morphine and this is to help with the breathing and overall pain that she is now experiencing and without it it would be devastating to watch. She is doing great on it and is not surprisingly having energy boost when she gets it. She tends to have the opposite reaction to a lot of medications. No one is complaining and the energy is something we have grown accustom to so it makes it easier to bear. She is so beautiful and full of life and those healthy body parts are carrying her through on a nice flight. She lands a little rough at times because her space is quickly diminishing but she remains strong and as determined as ever. Please check the site tomorrow for more info and yes believe it or not Haleyland stories too help in soothing all of our souls at this very hard time. We love you and miss you and please forward this to all you know.
Prayers are needed desperately and are honored to receive.

Love Always,
Amber

Sunday, August 8, 2004 10:10 PM CDT

Today has been so hard yet ended better then it began. Haley started having more rapid respirations today which made me increasingly nervous throughout the day but we kept moving and kept playing and trying to stay as focused as we can be on being normal. She came home from going to the playground with her bothers and sis and had a fever of 100.9 and I knew that is not a good sign. We checked her respirations again and they were in the high 60's they should be no higher than 40. I called the nurses at Toledo and told them my dilema and asked what I should do, I knew we had planned on being away for a week and knew at this point that that was looking a bit dismal. More than anything I want Haley Rose to be safe and happy not just happy. They then cld the Doctor and she told us to come in which we planned on anyway at that point. We go in and they check her blood and did her pulse and heart rate and temp and oxegen levels and all looked good but her hemoglobin her red blood since we were in last Wed. it drastically dropped from 9.7 which is pretty close to normal to a really low low of 5.2 YIKES!!!!! Thus is the reasoning for the many chain of events that had happened. Here when you think the worse your gut meets you there and applauses you for listening to your guts. The funny thing is Haley usually gets pale and she was full of color in her face. Weird but true. So she was given some antibiotics and we head in tomorrow at 6am to get blood. We also got a chest X-ray done on her and so far it appears unchanged from last Wed. But Dr. Stein will tell us more tomorrow. SO Miss Haley will surely have a good trip now. But we are still hanging out for the whole miracle thing.

With God all things are possible!!!Today I had a couple church songs come over me in the car when I had to run to the store to get some things for Miss Haley. I sang them as they entered my mind. They were "I cast all my cares upon You"; Amazing Grace; I'm not afraid of the darkness! They were really preparing me in a way I believe for this evenings events. Praise God for keeping my eyes, heart and soul in tune to his calling. On the way home on our ride back from the hospital Haley was sleeping on my lap in the back seat, exhausted and Patrick and I had a wonderful talk about God and his purpose. I sang him those songs too. We need to keep our strength up together and we need to hold each other close and be a guiding light force for Haley and her strength will emmulate that which we set forth. A united front can win battles, divided wins nothing, ever.
Just know that God has put us all here for reasons far greater then even a childlike imagination could come up with. Meaning, that nothing but good can come from good and nothing but bad can come from bad. I have learned in my life many times that when I layed down in front of God and just gave him all I could not bear to carry any further soon after a door was opened as another one closed and walking through that door with the power and faith and conviction that Haley has shown us and God has shown us is truly what GOd wants us to do, and by being obedient to him life alters and so many more new seeds are planted in your life that had we not been obedient would never have flourished and given birth to beauty. I cannot tell you how much clearer I see GOd having gone through all this but I can remind you that we all face the same death that Jesus went through and we all have again life and we have it more abundantly. Imagine walking to God in heaven and embracing him and all the light that fills him, fills you as well, and all the warmth and compassion and love that we all have felt stronger at some times more than others is felt in you like the first time your mothers held you in thier embrace and that feeling could stop your crying and weeping. That my friends is just the begining and truly very truly what more could we desire for someone who you love more then your own breath, but that sweet love and protection only GOd can give. We need to stay focused on that and in this world of ours we need to bring that light to life and we do it anyway GOd needs for it to be done. I will leave it at that for this evening. I love you all and keep praying your prayers are really working, I cannot even begin to explain how but they are for all of us. Love Amber

Saturday, August 7, 2004 5:22 AM CDT

Hello my dear and sweet friends and family! It is early but I felt I needed to talk to you all about Haley and tell you how so absolutely greatful I am to all of your outpouring of support, love and kindness. I cannot explain in words how fortunate I feel to have had a daughter that has touched so many peoples lives, and how moved I am that so many whom I have never met are praying their hearts and souls out to save one of the most precious hearts and souls I have ever met Miss Haley Rose. Haley is coughing alot but it may just be some side effects from having been incubated for her surgery the other day we hope. Despite that she is still doing well and still amazing me every second, minute and hour. I wanted to tell you all that we will be taking Haley on a trip to Orlando to DisneyWorld this coming week thanks to Patricks brother, Make a wish could not do it because Haley is not three so Patrick's brother is paying for it and went all out five star in his planning. He told me that Haley deserved to have something she will never forget and he also told me that she would get to see fireworks everynight, of course I bawled because I am so amazed and honored to have such a special person in our lives but also because Haley will get to see what she missed out on because she was in the hospital on July 4th this year and couldn't see them from her window very well and I promised her she would! Thank God for Patricks brother to do this for all three of us. I hope and pray that Haley will continue to be strong for the entire 7 days we are there and take in all the memories of a place like her Haleyland. She will even get to eat with Pooh. I will capture as many moments and gestures as we can on film and video so they can be shared by all of you who have helped her in her fight and are still helping her in her fight to win. The doctors told us that she may only have a month and as usual that is unacceptable to me and I refuse to give up hope in my Haley's fighting abilities and power to shock us all with her strength and courage, and for a Miracle from God. I feel alot of peace about everything but I still cannot imagine not having a photo of her first day at school and holding her every night and every morning and all throughout the day and seeing her grow up to be a beautiful woman and going to movies together, and being there when her heart gets broken for the first time and being there when she tells me she hates me when she is going through her teenage years, and seeing her walk down the isle someday and have a family of her own, but I am pressing on through those already planned visions in my mind and sucking in as many as I can have at this moment. Pushing through these feelings is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and not buckleing over in outpouring of screams and yells everytime she says bye bye to everyone she meets and hi. It is immensely difficult to do. But as usual Haley through God gives me my strength and a sense of peace when I need it the most by reminding me through her eyes and her dimplish smile that I am not gone yet so knock it off and sit and play with me or I will bug ya till you do! All the sudden the world has changed and she is still the rainbow through the storm and in the sun after the rain. Do you all remember the feeling you had when you first saw your child and that feeling of awe and speechlessness, and all the sudden you were captured by this brillent love and beauty of the most innoccent and pure thing you had until that moment never experienced, and yet you couldn't understand it but you were forced to believe it. That feeling should never leave our sights when it comes to our children, we must press on through all that God has put in front of us and love them more and more and yes, even more. God has the most wonderful job to bring such light into this world and use that light, a child , to bring to this world all that it is missing and give to it back in full all that it is needing. I know that more now then ever and I have always known that about my Haley Rose and she as he already knows will not go easy and because of that ablility in itself to go forth into the unknown with an inner beauty and light that can lead this world to places we have forgotten or have never known she will always be with us no matter what God has in store for her.

Haleyland is not over yet everyone so here is a little tid bit. Haley has been for quite some time now demanding your attention, as if that is hard, and she sits up on her pedistal on the couch wrapped in her favorite blanket (thanks chris coleman) and holding not one but two pooh bears and of course her other two blankets to get extra cozy wozy and sits there and just when you think she has everything her little heart desires and you are walking a way you hear SIT MOM SIT! Let that be a reminder of what all our children really need, US.....more than clothes, toys favorite things they just want us and our time and our patience and our presence. She has never been one to give up easy on what she wants which is an exact match to that personality trait every kid has, so it is a honor for me to spoil her by being her personal slave. We love you all and keep up the prayerline and pray for a safe and fun trip for this upcomming week and I may be writing again soon so keep checking. Love to all of you immensly. God Bless! Love Amber

Wednesday, August 4, 2004 8:19 PM CDT

...............God tells us "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways...As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:8-9). Through the Savior, Jesus Christ, it is the Lord God who gives us the confidence of Romans, chapter 8: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose...For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Fear not for I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you... For I am the Lord, your God. The Holy One of Israel, your Savior. Since you were precious in my sight, You have been honored and I have loved you. Isaiah 43:1-4

THESE SCRIPTURES ARE MY SAVING GRACE TODAY!!! Thank you to those who have sent them to me in Haley's Journal. I don't know how to begin to tell you all how sad my heart is at this very moment but yet in it, I still have HOPE. Today we did her biopsy and it is positive for Neuroblastoma and Haley's fight is yet to begin. She is home and fully recovered and remains in full Haley throttle. These lesions have tripled in a couple weeks so time is precious for us all. I must have more prayers then ever before to make it through this next set of tornados. We all do. We know that with the lesions multiplying at this strength it will be an unsure amount of time we have left with her but a miracle from God is still within our grasp. To be told that that your daughter will have limited time left with you; how do you not go into shock and reprieve to numbness. I cannot believe it at this moment that my only little girl is going to go to heaven far sooner then I have anticipated, nor will I live in denial. I will do as God has shown me to do I will fight as he would of fought and I will not give up hope in the hopeless and I will not lay down and accept a loss when a battle is before me and I will do all these things with the power and spirit and strength that not only he has shown me but as Haley Rose has shown me. I know that when God closes a door another is opened and I will walk through it with faith,wisdom and battle scars. I have never loved as I have learned to love my daughter and I have never felt as full and as empty as a mother or parent can feel. I choose at this moment to fully give my burdens to him to carry but will be a never ending warrior in the fight ahead and beyond this right by Gods side pressing on.
A quote from Vince Lombardi resenates at this moment in my mind; "I believe in God, and I believe in human decency. But I firmly believe that in any man's (or womans) finest hour - his (her) greatest fulfillment to all he holds dear- is that moment (this moment) when he (she) has to work his (her) heart out in a good cause and he's (she's) exhausted on the field of battle-VICTORIOUS!!!! No matter which way we go I know we will be victorious and that I will have exhausted every last breath before this battle is through. Please Press on with us and Press on more Importantly for Miss Haley Rose and help us in making Haleyland a household name that helps us all to check in at the door every morning when you wake and every night before you sleep as to what is most important to you and live in that importance like you owned it and we do and we deserve it and our families deserve it as well. I love you all and join me on my conquest of living each day to the fullest and fighting to save the Angel named Haley that has touched all of our lives. Thank You and may God empower your prayers to a level way beyond this world. Love Amber

Tuesday, August 3, 2004 3:25 PM CDT

Hello everyone!

We got news late this afternoon that we would be taking Miss Haley in tomorrow for her biopsy. Her actual surgery will begin at Toledo Childrens Hospital at 1:30pm but we will be going in early for consultation and bloodwork and all that stuff. We are anxious but very nervous about this surgery because it could end up being and more than likely will be a major major surgery with an incision across her abdomen to check her lungs out and this will mean chest tube and ventilator and ICU time. They will start out with a needle biopsy to see if they can find out from that but unless it comes back positive for Neuroblastoma they will have to do further surgery to make sure lungs are also negative. So we are very scared and afraid of having to put her through all this stuff again when she is doing and acting so well. I am puting Haley Rose in Gods wonderful hands though so for that I feel some of that load a lot less, but as a parent of a very special little girl it is hearwrenching to even think about someone cutting her open. Please PRAY EXTRA HARD for us to hear good news and pray that Miss Haley will recover quickly and will be home as soon as possible and moving ahead in her treatments. It has been the roughest couple weeks for us not knowing and wondering what it could be without weighing both options that are so undoubtedly right in front of us. We are hanging on for Haley and for all of you. We lost our kitty to top things off Sunday night and that was hard on Patrick and I and little Miss Haley doesn't quite comprehend why it went bye bye to the sky yet. We took Haley to the butterfly House in Whithouse today and she freaked out thinking that the butterflies were bees. It was pretty cute seeing her facination as well her goofiness with the whole situation. Praise God for us to be able to have this wonderful Day with her before tomorrow. Patrick and I are both very afraid of news but we are ready to take what ever we hear. Don't worry miracles are still in our reach and certainly can be attained by the grace of God and that is the only thing outside of Haley and you all that has helped us this far get through all this. May God bring you all abundant blessings and hug all your loved ones extra tight and have all your friends and family praying for us tonight and tomorrow especially. Love to all more that I could ever repay. Always Amber

Friday, July 30, 2004 1:53 PM CDT

Hello everyone. I have no real new information at this time about when biopsy will happen but felt like you could all use some good Haleyland stories to help you make it through till we do hear some news. Today for instance, mommy felt moved to rearrange furniture and move beds around in Haley's room, well that should have been my first clue. HE HE. Haley was not too happy about me cleaning and rarranging her room, but it had to be done, her toys were everywhere and it seemed an endless task but I am here to say the Mission Impossible was successful. Haley let me know what she thought by waving her hands in the air and saying "NO NO, NO!!!!". What a true little on the large side itallion temper. I was laughing and that made her more mad and she ran in the living room mad and dramitically hit the couch with her body, Brother what a drama QUEEN. Then low and behold I had to sweep and if the other didn't make her face red and her temple veins boling this certianly did the trick. I wondered why she was getting so mad at me for goodness sake I am trying to make her playing experience more organized and clean. Then it occured to me that In Miss Haley's Universe she is in control and who do I think I am comming in and trying to change what has been proven to work so well for her. :) Good news she made up by saying PLEEZE PLEEZE mommy PLAY, and she gave me a huge hug and pat on the back and all is well. Also, on another note little miss Haley Rose is eating like crazy, she has had about five meals already today, she is like a crazy woman during that time of month when for some ungodly reason you cannot seem to consume enough food, she comes to me literally every 15 minutes Eat MOM EAT, and she takes me or rather drags me to the fridge and tells me what she wants to eat, and then she takes me to the drawer where I get the paper plates and napkins and don't forget the table mat, it is so funny I think she said Pleeze a million times and then my all time favorite THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!, Speaking of eating this very minute NO JOKE guess what Eat Mom Eat,hold on.................................................................................................................I am back what a twerp, either she is growing or I am losing it or both but this is new and she is gaining more strength and energy then I can handle. YIKES!! She runs around here like little miss thing and that she is. You really all must see her in action because if you don't leave with a gut ache from laughing at her you will surely leave with a HUGE SMILE and heart so warm it could melt. Hope you all enjoyed Haleyland for today keep writing and praying your wonderful Powerful healing prayers. You all are my chain of hope and help me to stay positive and keep my eyes on only the good that so inevitably right in front of me everyday, Miss Haley Rose and the love I have for her and daddy too. Love to all and GOd Bless you all as well. Love Amber

Wednesday, July 28, 2004 4:02 PM CDT

Hello just a quick one for tonight! The results were basically inconclusive and so far we have no answers. They (Sloan Kettering) recommended that we do more chemo then do biopsy on liver to see what it is and then re-scan to see if things have grown or vice versa. I told them we are not doing more chemo without a accurate diagnosis, because there is no way giving another round of chemo without knowing for sure if we even need to makes no sense as far as Miss Haley's best interest is concerned. So we are planning on doing surgery for a biopsy locally in Toledo hopefully for some time next week. We will see then if in fact it is Neurosblastoma or it is just scar tissue and at that point having more knowledge then helps us to make decisions with the most accuracy as possible. She has had eight rounds of chemo and giving more chemo unnessisarily seems ridiculous for our little girl to have to go through again. Only answers from biopsy will tell the truth and then we can proceed with whatever God puts in front of us. I will write more Haleyland stories tommorrow. Sorry for the delay, but we heard late last night from the doctors and they all are siding with the idea that it is more disease vs. scaring, but no one can say for sure. PRAY HARDER NOW THAN EVER BEFORE AND DON'T LET THIS NEWS BEAT YOU UP AND TUG AT YOUR HEART FOR HALEY NEEDS US ALL TO BE STRONG JUST AS SHE IS STRONG. Love to all and God Bless. Keep writing. Love Amber

When finished 10:29pm Sat. July 24th

Hello Everyone thank you for all hanging in there till now. I know how hard it has been to hear nothing and wonder everything. So thank you for your patience. I have no idea where to begin on the events of this past week for it has been the worst roller coaster ride I have yet to ride and I hope the ride will soon be over but just as roller coasters are there is always a surprise just as you have reached the top. To begin I will tell you that we were very happy to have recieved a FREE flight to Ny through corporate angel network however, on the way back to Toledo we were not so lucky so we had travel stress on top of Haley stress on top of hospital and doctor stress. Haley however, has been the sweetest peach she always is with her sassy edge of attitude and personality and what a cocktail that is. WOW! she has been really being a tough girl and really had so much fun with her Aunt Julie. They are like twins in thier energy level and goofiness. Mommy was finally able to take a moment to step back and watch those two in thier craziness unfold into true form. Haleyland has reached an all time high. However, first I must tell you how she is healthwise. She had extentsive testing throughout her body and Dr. Kushner at Sloan-Kettering found some adnormalities in her lungs and her liver which made him think thier was a possiblility of the worse case scenario "more neuroblastoma cells and tumors in those areas" However, not all tests are conclusive so thier is still plenty of hope and also miracles from God. If the glass is half empty and this is relapsed into those areas than she has little to no treatment options. But as usual I like to think on the utmost positive note that if the glass is half full then she can and most certainly will start antibodies at Sloan within a couple weeks or less. Here are the issues at hand;
If Haley had more Neuroblastoma in her body thier would be more evidence of that then just a CT would reveal. At the moment, her blood levels are wonderful and that is not normal with neuroblastoma active cells usually they are eleavated very high. Secondly, how Haley Rose feels and acts is another indicator of the illness and as you all know and some of you have seen first hand she is like totally acting like a normal child and has no symptoms of pain or fevers or coughs etc. So, these factors along with the MIBG scan results (which were found to be normal outside of the right femor like before)would challange that idea of it being Neuroblastoma in those areas. You ask why then would thier be abnormalities in the lungs and liver. Well, they could be from her more recent spouts of staff infection in her body, staff infections can and usually do cause scaring in those areas and also the spleen. Her spleen is fine however. So all in all my gut tells me that it would be wrong to think that those adnormalities were that of Neuroblastoma, but would better be explained to bet that of the scaring cause by the staff infection. So cross your fingers and pray to GOD tonight and every night and day and hour and minute and second that the my assumptions ring true and that Monday we will be hearing that her bone marrows came back good and our Doctors team feels we shall proceed to antibodies and move ahead in winning the battle.

Now onto more important things Haleyland!!!!!!! YEAH YEAH YEAH! HOORAY FOR HALEYLAND!!!!!!!! She is totally queen of Haleyland she rules other or shall I say all lands outside of Haleyland so she thinks. HE HE Really, it always starts on our journey to NY on the flight over my sister and I and Haley were the only woman on the flight and it was funny because Haley flirted her way to anything she wanted when it came to food and smiles and attention. The men were serving us woman on the plane (like that ever happens in real life) and MISS Haley Rose took all mommies food off her plate and moved it to Aunt Julies' I think she was trying to tell me something. How dare she....... my shape has nothing to do with pushing her out two years ago, J/K. It was just really funny she never did that before. She also got her infamous tea set out and decided to serve all of tea and (thank God) imaginary crumpets. What a hoot. We arrived and got to Ronald McDonald house and Haley immediately got right back into the swing of things by telling Julie and I what to do and when to do it we both felt like her little captive slaves. SHe also started amazingly enough using proper manners when asking and recieving. MY WORK HAS FINALLY PAID OFF!!!!! She says PLeeze and immediately following Thank you very much she says it so clear and fast it is like a little recording. Also she has been saying Bless you when I sneeze which is freqently lately and even when she sneezes she says Bless you. HA HA . The funniest part of the whole trip was at the Laquardia airport. WE were all there for about 8 hours. Oh yeah feel my pain! With a two year old and TWO yeah not just one but TWO extensive security checks oh and did I mention three gate changes. Haley found all of this quite humorous and found friends every where she went, especially in the bathroom where I changed her nearly fiftey times for no reason. To top all of that off our flight was delayed not because of weather like everyone else, no because they could not find our pilot, can our luck be any luckier, NOT!! So needless to say after a week from HE--, this was not a good moment for me. Haley however, decided to take every moment to remind me that she was still smiling and just like Dori (on Nemo) "just keep swiming swimming swimming" in Haley's case the word swiming should of been replaced with smiling or goofy. Everytime my nerve started to explode she smiled her flirty smile proceeded by a tilt of her little bald head and said Thank you very much. "Butt" was also used alot in her vocab and people were looking at me like HELLO your daughter says her butt needs to be changed, little do they know Haley's second name is butt. This word of all words is used way to much and way to loudly when it comes to Haley. NY recieved nearly 10 inches of rain and about eight of it was in the airport falling from the ceiling. they had buckets and towels everywhere. One lady waiting for our flight fell twice of course everyone looked and finally her same head peeped out from the chairs and looking dazed and confused nearly sat on a mans lap. IT was definately comic relief for me and Julie and all the tense bodies waiting in for our plane. Haley kept waving to everyone and saying BYE BYE and waving her Princess Diana wave and making everyone respond with a smile or return bye byes. She also mentioned how messy the airport was and was determined to clean off seating areas. Yeah her deteremination to be a clean freak has not gone bye bye YET!! WE arrived home on Sat morning at 4am and my eyes are still trying to come up with new ways to stay open. SO I will return back to regular scheduled entries and will expect you all to do the same so pray HARD and I will talk to you soon. Love Amber.

Thursday, July 15, 2004 11:08 PM CDT

Hello all of my Gems, Thanks for all the notes and the begging for updates. HE HE. I have been working like crazy all week to do the spring cleaning that needed to be done months ago. So there is my excuse for the delay in writing. So this WILL BE LONG> I have a feeling that that will be well tolerated. Where to start where to begin.

HALEYLAND:

Haley has been doing so great and her numbers were on Monday a wopping 1200 ANC> YEAH! This is as you all know awesome news for our Miss Haley Rose. I wanted to let you know that she had platletts Monday and we go back tomarrow for lab work and we will soon see what those magic numbers will tell us then. Despite all that thier have been lots of Haleyland stories since we have been home so I will try to tell you many of them and hopefully laughing,crying and a smile or two or three will be the results you will get. Well, as most two year olds they do live on a planet quite seperate from ours so they have on thier planet several different rules. #1 do what I want when I want. #2 Do what I want when I WANT. #3 DO WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT!!!!RIGHT NOW. HE HE> Haley has forgot that that planet is only temporary. She believes that everyones world revolves around her and her pooh bear and her movies. You know what is soooooooooooooooooooo funny to me how parents think they have a right to be right. Who says you can't watch pooh movies all day long and drink pop and eat hot dogs, I mean really isn't that just ridiculous to think we have more important things to attend to. Well, we do, but Haley would rather you did not. If I could only find a way to clone myself safely I could make everyone happy. She is really really really in this mode of exploration but just like the Hardy boys and Nancy Drew you need to have a partner in crime to make sure the process works and that you have shared that process with another human being. You know how I told you about the comming and dragging you off to Haleyland well it strangly enough has escalated into doing everything together including excursions to the potty room. For some reason kids are obsessed with being obsessed and Haley loves to be in control of the situation and making sure everyone does thier duties and does thier duties to her standards. I am proud of her she has mastered it. She had some visitors this past week who have relieved mommy a bit from Haleyland so that I can attend to my planets neverending obligations. Grandma Morris came and Haley played lots and lots she had tea part after tea party with Grandma and when she could not longer sit mom retreated to her tea room for a cup of cheer;literally. There are four tea cups and she managed to remember who drank from what cup and she made sure that that person got that same cup so to test this little smarty pants I rearranged them and guess what she still remember which one I had pretend drank from. How? Extreame Brilliance she is a NERD, but a cute one. Well, mommy got a filing cabinet finally from daddy this week and we took it out the box and Dad said it was a peice of _ _ _ _ and of course Haley told me when I came in that it was just that a peice of _ _ _ _, I must agree it was. It sounded funny to hear a cute innocent little voice saying it with a smile though. Dad learned a lesson about two year olds all over again.:) Haley is alot of sunshine in one little body and it boils over all the time. She also had a visit with my sister this week and she will be going with us to NY, Yes next week, anyways Julie my sis is a nut and she thought it would be funny to scare me and her and Haley ganged up on my and scared me to the point of nearly making me pee my pants with fright. so then I of course turned the tables back on them and what chasing and scaring those to, and one time I got little MIss Haley good and she ran like lightning shot her in the butt, it was sooooooooooooo funny HA HA, mommys always have the last laugh, I have more much more stories to tell but it is almost 1 am on Friday morning and I have to get up early to take her in toledo hospital in the morning. SO check the photos and I will write more tomarrow early afternoon.

Love Amber

Friday, July 9, 2004 3:29 PM CDT

WOW!!!how can I began to thank you for all of your wonderful and very helpful messages. They have brought us through some very tense moments here in the last week. Haley's numbers have still not recovered as of yet but we will be going home Sat. morning so we are told so this is a dream come true after being here. She is getting her blood today which should help her through the weekend. We are looking forward to seeing Miss Haley's face as she comes home; it always makes me want to cry for her because poor thing doesn't even realize that being in the hospital as long and as much as she has in abnormal and that being home all the time is normal. She is feisty this week but she never fails to be the sweet pea she was born to be. She has really been using her imagination alot lately despite the obstacles that surround her. She had a Haleyland experience today just a cute little one but a sure sign that more our soon to come. She was on her hospital bed with her stuffed toys and a bunch of doll house figurines and accessories that mommy had brought for her and she was playing with the dollhouse bed and reanacting her and I sitting on the bed together with her play mommy and play baby doll girl. It was cute and she was telling the mommy to sit mommy sit just as she does with me. Then a few moments later she was trying to put her baby pooh in a blanket and practice kissing it and hugging it just like mommy does with her. Needless to say, I was watching closely to every little quirk and personality trait she was pretending to own. I watched her and thought about how precious she is and how gentle and loving she really is when she is feeling well. As I was staring at her she caught me looking and smiled her sweet smile and tilted her head and acted all shy and innocent. She has mastered that look to a tee. So mommy ran over to the bed and hugged her and told her I loved her sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much and I promised her that I would always be here for her in the good and in the bad and would never allow anyone to hurt her ever. Then of course all seriousness had to lead to tickleing of Miss Rose's little side the side where she had her tumor removed and she loves it and hates it when I tickle her there and I love doing it and then traveling up to the warm crevous of her neck and having a tickle war there too. She tells me to stop and I get up and we play this game where I pretend I am done and as I walk away humming like la te da and then I hear this loud scream from Miss Haley and I act like I am scared and I come and start all over with the tickling war. My little success in helping her spirits stay strong and it is so much fun for me to and breaks up the boringness of this little room with no real outside light. I cannot tell you how lucky we are to have our children in our lives and how they can make us into such better people and more fufilled in every aspect of our emotional well being. I cannot imagine how lonely my life would feel without my own childs love filling up the areas only a child can fill. She is my little angel and God made her just for me and in the way he knew I needed her to be to help make me the mommy and woman I am today. So no matter what we face and what tribulations come our way nothing can truly interfere with the channel of love and joy that flows endlessly into our hearts from our children. I will write you all later to discuss how Miss Rose is doing but until then thank you so much for your support and for your truly loving words of encouragement. Haley thanks you too. Please keep it up> Love always Amber

Wednesday, July 7, 2004 1:49 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends and family;
WE are STILL in the hospital and not happy about it. Haley is more and more like cybil everyday and she is trying to stay happy but to many things are hurting and she desperately needs her counts to recover so she can conquer all her owies. Doctor said she can't go home till either her counts recover or 10 days have expired. So we hope everynight that we will wake up to counts in the positive vs. the negative. She had a rough old day today she was so low on platletts her mouth started to bleed pretty bad do to some infections that come with chemo and being on antibiotics for lengthy amounts of time, these sores in her mouth our like really bad canker sores and they are all over and she also gets a white coating on her toungue that falls off and bleeds this is a combination of mucositis and or thrush. They are both bad and until her counts recover their isn't a whole lot anyone can do. So mommy and daddy get mad a doctors because she is in pain and the only thing that soothes is lovey dovies and cozies but is only temporary. We have all had it and we are really trying to be strong and stay tough for her but mommy had some tears when they said we cannot go home; because nobody can understand what parents automatically know about thier children. I know that the best thing for my daughter is to be at home in a place where she is comfortable and can eat and play at ease. This helps her to progress when her counts are low and I know this from experience having gone through this now 8 times you get to become an expert at it. However, the doctors take a more precautionary approach to this to avoid lawsuits basically, and that is why we have not gone home. They cannot guarentee that nothing will go wrong and all will be well till her counts our on the rise so therefore we stay until that or the 10 days expires Friday. We will soon see. In the meantime Haley is visiting Haleyland less and less and is become very comatose. she has lost alot of weight and is now back down to 24lbs. when we got her she was 28lbs. She plays occasionally and watches T.V. mostly, but all in all she just wants mommy to sit with her and hold her and love her up. So pray that God continues to strengthen her and rebuild those all important cells that are holding us in our little room that is very far from being home. Thanks to all and love to you and thank God for sending me all of you to be my little angels. Love Amber

Monday, July 5, 2004 8:22 AM CDT

Hello Everyone! Hope you all had a wonderful and fun holiday this past weekend. We are still in the hospital with Miss Haley Rose and will probably not be leaving till Wed. She is really having a hard time she keeps saying outside Mom Outside Mom. Poor thing just wants to leave so bad and we can't do anything about it. She is even getting grumpy, me too I know she must be so tierd of all of this stuff. Today her hemoglobin was low again so that means more red blood and tomarrow she will probably be getting platletts. She is so tierd of watching T.V and playing with the same old toys she is really getting frusterated. The doctors tell us that they don't like to send kids home if they are bottomed out because they worry we will be right back. We never had a problem in the past though with getting her counts to recover at home so I can't imagine it would be any different this time around. We are really good at keeping her more controlled with germies at home then you can be in this germie fest here. The added bonus about being home is that she is happy and that helps her to feel stronger and better which I believe helps her numbers recover. When you are depressed and unhappy it makes it harder that is my philosophy after seeing it first hand. So needless to say this family is really ready to get home and get our little bug better and acting like herself. She has had no positive blood cultures which is good and no fevers since we brought her in so all things point to leaving Tues. or Wed. We will be pushing for it as always looking for her best interest. We know for her being home is the best place for her to be and the healthiest. Please pray her counts start to recover and we may go home and make them sky rocket even higher.

Haleyland hasn't been quite the same as usual but this is kind of funny. Yesterday which was the 4th she was very grumpy all morning extra grumpy, you could just tell she was on the edge. The cleaning lady as always comes in and she starts her usual routine of cleaning up and Miss Haley was not happy at all that she was even in here she started to cry and through a little fit and then the cleaning lady was starting to clean the counter off where Miss Haley's pop is........not a good move, the poor lady got in BIG trouble with Miss Haley she became the pop nazi for all of you Seinfeld lovers, she said very plainly and loudly, " NO NO NO NO Pop, MINE POP MINE, NO NO MY POP!!!!!" the poor lady turned around quickly and said " I am sorry I don't want your pop." Haley responds again with her hands in the air like a true itallion, "NO NO NO MINE!!!" I think that was the quickest cleaning job that poor little old lady did. I have to admit I was a TAD embarassed myself. She what hospitals do to your children who before were innocent little angels; after a few days everyone goes nutz> Well we love you and Haley does to and thank you and keep praying all your wonderful prayers and we hope to be updating some good news shortly. Love to all and keep writing I MEAN IT or I will sick Haley on you, HE HE !!!

Thursday, July 1, 2004 2:08 PM CDT

Hello everyone;

Just wanted to let you know how everything is going with Haley today thursday. July is here it looks beautiful outside, we miss our fresh air breeze at home but when we do finally get there for awhile it will be exhilerating. She is still bottomed out in her count but is doing ok with her blood and platlette counts. Platelettes are a little low she may need another transfusion tomarrow. Oh, remember everyone to donate platlettes and blood to your local blood drive it is used so much and is needed so much everyday for so many people and little ones.

Haley has been getting a little bored today she is antzy and seems to want to play musical chairs alot. I cannot blame her for that you just get tired of sitting and watching movies and she can't really walk anywhere outside of her room or even in her room for that matter to much because of germies. We don't want her to get more sick. Right now she is asleep so cute in her rocking chair here and looks so peaceful and beautiful as she sleeps. Today we had a visitor named Gail who brought Haley a prayer quilt it is so nice each person who tied a knot prayed for Haley and there are some left unknotted for others to say a prayer for her when they come to see her. She also got another blanket form Chris before her birthday which was a nice warm fleece one she loves them both very much. Thank you all so much. Her most favorite thing is to get cozy with mommy or daddy and give and get hugs and kisses. I am anxious to write more Haleyland stories soon so stay tuned and keep up the wonderful prayer chains and encouragement. Have a wonderful day and will write again later. God bless you all and we love you. Amber

Wednesday, June 30, 2004 8:17 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends and family! I am writing here in the Toledo Childrens Hospital, yes Miss Haley got admitted last night with a fever of 101.6. She had a blood culture done last night and they give her 24 hours to see if she has an infection and it came back positive within 12 hours. So needless to say, we are going to be here awhile until her numbers start comming back up and will more than likely be here through the 4th and into next week, which basically is a major bummer. I was looking forward to Haley experiencing fireworks for the first time. Well, there is always next year. She bottomed out very quickly for her so that concerns me I hope it means the chemo is knocking out the bad guys but it will be awhile till we get back to NY to see if indeed it did do the trick. So pray for her to get well. They are giving her Vancomiacin and some other kind of Antibiotic to help in getting this infection. Thank you all so much for reading and keeping me in a good frame of mind with your lovely words of encouragement. Keep it up no slacking! :)

Welcome to Haleyland I must say Haley's birthday was wonderful and she had a GREAT DAY she had fun playing with her toys and spending good quality time with her Grandma Morris who came to see her on her birthday from Michigan.(My mom for all who don't know) She was fun and Haley was breaking her in really well to Haleyland and the happenings there. I have to say she really enjoys her new dollhouse she thinks however that all beds and other assorted furniture goes into one room. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Mommy is going to have to work on sharpening her decorating skills. Mommy loves to decorate so of course she will learn to do the same someday..... I hope. She has been a hamball as usual with her facial expressions, they are on the rise. She looks just like her father when she makes them, Know poor mommy has two twerps to deal with. HA HA Really it is cute and she could win a contest if she went up against daddy only because she has a little bit more of a pull on a crowd... literally! She has been pulling us around everywhere and making sure you join her on her excursions to Haleyland. I do have to tell you something riduculous that mommy did in mommyland yesterday. I want you to know any information you here is strictly confidential and must not repeated. :) My mother and I were going to take Haley to the zoo yesterday and we headed out with all of our sun hats on and lunch in a bag. Well, we got to the zoo parking lot and saw that their were about a bazillion people there so we turned around and headed to Meijer to get some photos picked up. We didn't want to expose Haley to too many people when she is sick, poor thing. Anyways of course like any or most children Haley fell asleep in the car on the way to pick up photos and I told mom to stay in the van with her while I went in. I got to the photo counter and the ding a lings couldn't find my photos so I was losing my usually calm patience. It took ONE HOUR to find them and they were under the name of Midella. So by that time I had a headache and was ready to get what I needed and get out. SO I got to the van and mom thought I got kidnapped or something cause I was in there so long. We decided that we would just go through the drive thru and pick something up. We went to Big Boy (or whatever you call it here in Ohio) and ordered our food and then my mom was talking about the photos and Haley was being cute and I got to the window to pay for the food and payed for it and then we started heading home and I asked mom for my pop so I could take a drink and she said what pop, HELLO HELLO RING RING is anybody home I forgot the darn food. We started busting out laughing histerically at what idiots we were and I swear to god we couldn't breathe and nearly wet our drawers. Not that that in itself wasn't funny enough I look at Haley and she is staring at us with these huge eyes and is looking at me like I am nutz which I am and then she starts to laugh at us. It was hystericl. We managed to drive back through the drive thru and I got to the window and said in between laughs "please tell me we are not the first ones to do this?", the lady said we were. What dorks! It was a well needed laugh and it was completly something you just had to be there for but it was something I thought you all could visiualize and probably in some way shape or form relate to. So today smile and let yourself laugh because life could be worse. Laughter can make you healthier to. I love you all and keep writing. Remember you promised not to tell. Haley sends hugs and kissses and begs you to save her from her goofy mom. HE HE Love AMBER

Sunday, June 27, 2004 10:26 PM CDT

Good Evening Everyone. This one is going to be long so hang in there. It is nearly midnight and this is when I always feel inspired to think you know when your mind finally gets a chance to rest from the busy day and kids screaming and playing. Then your mind decides to not give you a break either. So why fight it. HE HE>

This is a special night anyway. Haley will be officially two in about one hour and a half. My little dariling sweetheart, if only I could keep counting the months instead of the years. I cannot really keep saying she is 23 months old now she is two years old. That is just not fair. She is growing up faster than I can take and she is such a trooper on top of all this. I think when you have a child of your own you always have those all important moments when as I have said in the past time could just keep moving and you and your child could just stay in that moment for what seems like an eternity. I think when you have a sick child that moment when that ineveitibly happens, in even deepens and someway you cherish it even more because in your mind you know that God gave her one more breath and I thank God for giving it to her. She has changed me in ways that could only inspire and she is the finest example I have ever met of honest pure love. I hold her sometimes and we gaze into each others eyes and neither of us speak but thier are words spoken through our eyes that could make most people feel they have to look away or they will be drawn into the emotions, but we don't look away. In a strange way I believe in those moments God is really smiling and gazing through her and into me to assure me of this love we all share and that Haley and I share in ways no one else could, except through the love of your own child. It is almost chilling how I feel she can see into my soul and know that what she feels for me is in return just that or greater. I guess things in life are allowed to happen to change us to shape us into being something more complete something far more powerful then we allow ourselves to believe we can be. Those things whatever they are in our lives somehow get covered up with our hectic daily lives and put on the back burner to await the moment our eyes close and wonderful dreams are made out of the reality that already exists. We all really must embrace those powerful lessons we have learned and let them do thier job. God somehow can make you see this very light in a very dark place and can in some way use it to make us fully become the flower that he intended the seed to produce, this very flower like any flower must produce pollen to share with the world and in my world that pollen is my Haley Rose, she has taken me on this journey and I know that journey will not end ever, because that journey is all about the spirit within her. I believe thier are angels that watch over us in the skies, but I believe angels are also sent to us through our children and they save us everyday. I want you all to give Miss Haley Rose a birthday gift and this gift is not material but it is truly the only gift that can make Haley's purpose thus far shared with others, a benificial one. I want you to hold dear your child your husband your wife,parents, grandparents etc, and tell them all that is on your heart and embrace those moments further, let them know how much they are loved and what they have taught you take a moment to look them in the eyes and share with them something special. That is something that Patrick and I have learned through this and that is something everyone must really learn through us and through Haley. A thought you have a word, a word you speak, a glance you share; they are here but only a second and then they are gone so make it count and make it wonderful today for Haley and everyday for yourself. I love you all and thank you for all that you have done for me and thanks for all the prayers and support you give, that time you take for me and for my family each day is so appreciated and so cherished. God Bless! Love Amber I put some new pics for you to look at on her photo page. Take care.

Thursday, June 24, 2004 2:30 PM CDT

hello everyone. Just wanted to write you all to let you know Haley is doing well and she is feeling great. she does have low blood count already and needs to get a pint of new blood. This will help her because her numbers will soon bottom out and she will need to stay on the high side to get through the next couple weeks. We are really ready to get home though it is really tough being stuck in the hospital when it is so beautiful outside and you are having to find enjoyment in the floresent lighting. HE HE Haley has been being a little impatient today she is just bored and needs her freedom and home is sounding really really good. She is having her little Birthday Party this weekend on Sunday and she is anxious to open more presents and eat more cake. Mommy and Daddy got her birthday present it is a fisher price dollhouse, we thought the little doll needed to have a little fun. I think she will have it forever. It is so cute mommy is excited too. HE HE> God do I need a life or what. I guess pretending to play house is easier then reality. YUCK! Haley actually learned of this fisher price stuff at her Grandma Morris' last weekend and she was playing with those toys so cute I think I wrote about how she made the mommy and daddy lay in the bed and in between them she put the baby just like in Haleyland. :) She has such and imagination too. She is lovey and can be a little terd too. She is just like all two year olds that way. But for what she is going through I don't blame her. She watched E.T. today and she freaked out it was so funny. She is weird she likes monsters or aliens I think on her planet you know Haleyland she must have some monster and alien freinds there and that is why she likes them. Maybe in her mind it is a way to totally leave reality and enjoy a life that is foriegn to her. Anyways she is quite the package. She has gained weight this week which is totally unheard of with chemo usually she won't eat and you have to just give her fluids. Thank God for that! Well, what else can I tell you you are all wonderful and mean so much to me and I cannot imagine not having this website to vent to and lay my feelings out there for the world to hear. Keep praying and KEEP WRITING.....I know I get on your butt you have no idea how nice it is to have something to look forward to everyday. Truly it is a blessing. Take care and God Bless. Love Amber

Wednesday, June 23, 2004 11:44 AM CDT

Hello Again;

Just wanted to jot down a note to tell you how Miss Haley is doing. She is doing well, but is having a few cramps but overall she is doing better than last time with this chemo. She has been watching lots of television and we have had to have child life give us some movies to watch because she is tierd of all of hers. Right now she is watching Mary Poppins and she is really enjoying it. Even mommy likes this one. I am missing all of your comments and updates. I have a few regulars but some of you I have not heard from in a while so WRITE SOON.

Lately, in Haleyland she is still continuing to make me smile and laugh as she learns and discovers new things everyday. She continues to dazzle everyone who sees her. She is probably gong to be home Friday night or late afternoon depending on when her last dose of chemo get done Friday.She has been really attached to mommy and wants me to Sit as she puts it all the time right next to her.I can never be to close. Last night before we went to sleep she held my face in her little delicate hand and said Miss you mommy because I had taken a shower while dad helped with haley, I about cried she is so amazingly loving. She is also touching my face gently and looking at me with this loving look in her eyes. It is so beautiful and it melts me so easily. Everything in the world could just stop in that moment. I find it hard to believe a child who is just two could be so sincere and affectionate but she is I beilieve that is God working through her and this is her gift that she so freely gives to this world. I cannot help but believe that she will do great things in her life and will be a beacon of light in the darkness of this disease. She is like one in a million. You all know that there are special people in this world who just can light up a room without even knowing it Haley is one of those children. Well I really miss hearing from you all so please write. take care and remember to hug and cherish every moment.Love Amber

Monday, June 21, 2004 4:53 PM CDT

Hello everyone!! I will hopefully get back into my daily writings of Haleyland now that we have some extra time to do so. I want to tell you all Thank You very much for all your support and also for all your kindness. I cannot say it enough to make sure you all understand how much I appreciate it. We have been so crazy busy this last week. Haley has had lots of visitors and also lots of fun with friends and family.

Last week I had so much fun with Haley she was so happy and normal acting it was a breath of fresh air for me to see. I also appreciated special visits from friends and family it really was special and helped me to see all of them . Haley had her birthday party this last Friday with family from Michigan and she seemed to have fun with all the little kiddos. Ok I know you all want Haleyland stories I don't blame you they entertain me everyday and so for that reason I must pass on the laughs to someone else. A friend and me finally took Haley to Cold Stone Ice cream place in Maumee and it was so neat I had never been there either so it was a treat all around. I ordered us some ice cream and we tipped them and they sang and then Haley's eyes got so big, I know like that is possible for them to get bigger. Anyways we started eating our ice cream and haley didn't want any can you believe that crazy little critter. I tried a couple times and no go so mommy shoveled in all in herself, OINK!! I felt gulity but it was pretty good. She also had a great friend named Taylor visit her this last week and that was a trip! Taylor is a couple weeks younger than Haley but they are pratically the same age. Anyways she came over and it took Haley a couple minutes to warm up to her but then the true Haley came pouring out. She was running back and forth with Taylor and jumping into mommy's lap they were so cute I will post some pics when I get home with them holding hands like old pals.I don't know maybe it is a mom thing but when you see your child becoming a little person and gaining her all to unigue personality you can't help but get a tear in your eye. Maybe I am a drama Queen but it felt like in a tiny way she was not needing me as much she felt confident enough without me, I guess these are the things in life my parents used to tell me about, time flies without your even knowing it and then pretty soon your little one is a big girl. I don't care how independent she gets I am still going to fuss over her and spoil her rotten becasue I can. I love my little twerp. She also had fun as usual with her brothers and sissy this weekend she played in her new sand and water table (thanks to grandma) all Sunday oh and she got this little tikes corner store with a cash register and she loves to shop like a little adult. Oh also she is a little protective of her money in the cash register. I guess that is a good thing. Maybe someday she will get pass her scrooge days and share a bit better, but she is learning. Well, I am running out of room talk to you all tommorrow. Love to all and God Bless. Keep writing. Amber

Monday, June 14, 2004 11:35 AM CDT

Hello again;

Thanks for keeping up with the updates. I am happy to be home and keeping up on my daily stories of Haley. Well, where to begin. Haley has been sooooooooooo happy to be home and really enjoyed her brothers and sisters' company this weekend. I don't know how exactly to paint the picture of Haley's face when she sees her sissy but it is so full of adoration and excitement. She loves her so much it is almost painful to watch without crying because it is so neat to see how a child loves so purely. She is a angel that Haley and she is lovey just like her sissy. They are alot alike. Her brothers also love her and she spreads some of her love and attention thier way when she has time. I wish you all could see it it is so special for me. My mother as you all know went with me this time to NY and I had some good talks with her about how I was feeling and she had some good talks with me about how much I was driving her nuts with my bossiness. I can't help it Haley requires so much of me, to leave her is more work then to just as for help. But after about 5 full days of my mother helping me she was fit to be tied and anxious to get to her home in Michigan. I was really lucky to have her with me I don't know how I would have done it without her there. I have many trips comming to NY if anyone wants to come please let me know. I could use help, Dad is busy working so mommy has to get some people to come with her. Haley was so funny on our way back from NY you all have to hear this she is such a ham and BOY does she know how to work a crowd. Imagine all of us at this posh private airport and all these people swarm to Haley because she is so darn cute. She never ceases to amaze me by her little personality. She turned it on thick and had all these people flocking to her to see her making cute faces and flurting like a true pro. YIKES! She just played like she was the most powerful angel in all the universe and had all these people there up in arms with smiles and laughter. I mean you would tell her to do something and she did it as if she were an actress. I will tell you what Julia Roberts better watch out because Haley would beat her down on any stage. I believe an Oscar will have Haley's name on it someday. She also had fun swinging outside this weekend and she was a character man her personality lately is just blossoming you cannot help attack kissing and hugging her. Poor thing thinks that that is the way people hug her. Oh well worse could happen, right. She was so tierd and she was determined in her two year old mind to go out despite her being exhausted. So obviously I did what every mother knows not to do let her fit win. Anyways we were out there and she was swinging and smiling and screaming and all the sudden it got soooooooooo quiet and I look at her and her eyes are fluttering like heavy wings and bam she is out so I will be posting those pics today so take a peak it may not show up to late today but it was sooooooo adorable. Well, my carpol tunnel is setting in HA HA so I will chit chat later have a wonderful week and keep sending those notes my way I adore them. Please keep praying for Haley and also for my Aunt Barb and her family she has just lost her mother to cancer and she needs out prayers.Love to you all and keep us on your prayer list it is working. YEAH!!

Thursday, June 10, 2004 1:06 PM CDT

Hello my wonderful friends;

Sorry for the delay but this trip to NY has been tougher to write because Miss Haley has not wanted me to leave her to much. Well, I am sure you are all wondering what we found out so here is the news. We found out that the spot on the left leg is gone altogether it was the smallest of the two and the one on the right the larger one didn't change to much in size but it did not grow either so this is good. The doctors think it would be wise to do another round of the same chemo she just had to see if it helps further and then come back and do more testing to see how it looks then. I feel a little relieved because at least it got one spot gone and now we just need to get the bigger of the two before it effects her walking. We are planning on starting this chemo Monday the 21st. That way we can fatten her up some more and also have some fun and have her a really good birthday. The doctors also think they will do the Antibodies treatment after we get test results back so that means alot more time away from home and traveling with Haley. It will be very tough on all of us financially and otherwise but we got to do what we got to do to nail this stuff in the butt. Haley has been in really good spirits this time though and she as usual has continued to add to her Haleyland Memories. On the way here to NY you all know we were finally lucky enough to get a free plane ride from Corporate Angels and it was first class all the way. It was funny because you always feel you have to act differently in a situation where everything is so fancy and we always try to act like the part. So we don't stand out as much. Well, just like her mother Haley is a complete clutz and she spills her pop all over the planes carpet. I was so embaressed!!!! So needless to say as good as we are at pretending the truth always squeaks out. HE HE. We get here and Haley continued to be funny and happy and she is eating like a pig. YIKES!!! It is great but it is a little scary to watch. HE HE what a mess she makes. I have alot more stories to write but I will finish them when I get home. Till then Love you all and appreciate you all soooooooooooooooooooooo much and couldn't make it through without your love and neverending support. Keep praying and write me lots. Love Amber

Saturday, June 5, 2004 7:58 AM CDT

Good Morning;

Well. sorry for the delay in writing but we have been busy trying to get the house in order before we leave our humble home again to go to NY next week. The latest is Haley Rose is done with her radiatoin treatments and she is finally able to sleep in along with mommy and daddy. We are happy to finally not break into our over needed z's. She has been cranky this week a bit and has often showed mommy her new terrible two's episodes. I think my princess might be a tad bit spoiled! Like that should surprise us huh! Well, you can't blame her she has deserved it because she has been sick and it isn't that bad so hopefully when she gets better we will be able to bring her back to reality. Or not! Regardless, I rather have her a little spoiled than not have her at all. She is eating more and more each day and her white blood count is in the 7000 range which is way above normal and we only have one more shot to give her to keep them growing. YEAH. She has had a few Haleyland experiences lately as well. They are happening more often now that she is feeling well. Please pray for her runny nose and her little cough to go away, she had that mucisitious stuff and she has been coughing alot and getting alot of it out of her so that is good.

Haleyland stories; The latest is that we have realized that she really is just as silly as us. YIKES!! She was watching some music videos and dad was teaching her some dance moves. That should have been when I stopped it but I thought this I got to see. So anyways she was swaying her hands over her head and turning around in endless circles till she got dizzy and nearly fell over. She is so much like us it is too funny. She also got a hammock and she was laying next to her sissy so cute she just didn't want to do it with mommy or daddy but when sissy got in it Haley knew she would do it too. Kids are so funny how they think. Haley as you all know loves her pooh and she has really built a strong relationship with him. She depends on him to help her through all this junk and to smile when thier are no smiles to be found somehow pooh finds one in Haley. She has been experimenting with giving pooh medical treatments similar to the ones that she gets. She even got into her medical kit and tried to flush his invisible lines. Too funny. Nothing too bad in the medical kit don't worry. She tried to put a band-aid on pooh and she has made sure to include him in her nappy time by tucking him in on the couch with her. She even shares her blankie with him and we all know how important those are to kiddies. Well, I had better get my chocolate cookies out of the oven before they burn. Talk to you all soon. and remember to keep your inspiring thoughts comming my way. Keep praying. I will keep you updated while I am in NY. Pray for a safe flight as well. Love to all Amber

Tuesday, June 1, 2004 7:48 PM CDT

Hello Again!!!
Hope you all had a wonderful Memorial Weekend. We came home from the hospital Sunday late afternoon and is was really nice to be home so we just relaxed as best as we could and enjoyed the down time. Haley is doing better today she had her blood work done and her white blood count which is basically her immune system is rising back up gradually. She was at 1.8 today that is up from less than 0.5 so that is moving in the right direction. YEAH!!! We are hoping she can keep on the rise see what happens with a couple days of no radiation or other junk getting in her bodies way of healing. Well, needless to say we are really relieved and are hoping we can get her healthy before our NY trip next week or we will have to delay it another week or so. Poor Miss Haley was 23 lbs today way down from the 28 lbs a couple weeks ago. She is so thin and fragile looking. She is starting to eat and drink again more like my little piggy should. Don't worry mommy will have her fattened up in no time. HE HE Daddy's cooking and mommy's cookin' ought to do the trick.

Oh yes HALEYLAND we have visited there a little less the last few days because Haley has been so sick, but she still has her little moments of being sweet Haley. The one particular story that mommy and daddy had thought we should write about was last night when Grandma Minchella and Uncle Mike were leaving and Haley daddy and I were at the door waving and saying bye bye and Haley of course had her POOH and she was waving POOH's little paw up and down and saying bye bye with his paw so cute and innocent. I think the thing that amazes me so much about her is not what she does because all kids do that kind of thing being cute and all, but she does it at her worst and her best and she is always consistantly trying to be happy even when she feels awful. I think that is my biggest lesson through all this. It is so easy to be miserable and wallup in our lakes of tears but the thing we must remember is to look our weaknesses in the eye and say HA you don't win and to always be looking at the good in every bad situation. I think this world has its way of trying to change us to be what everyone expects you to be. When you have a sick child you need to be sad and you can't look happy because what would others think of you. Well, Haley is the perfect example of humaness she represents the honesty that we sometimes forget to emulate. She is being what she is and despite the world around her and sickness in her she still remains true to herself. May we all learn through this mess to never lose sight of your true self and to stand steadfast in it and never lean on the world to make you, you. Well, sorry for the rambling. Amber's deep thought for today. God bless and keep writing I miss some of you so write and keep praying. love Amber

Saturday, May 29, 2004 1:04 PM CDT

Hello again everyone!!!

Well, we are back in the hospital came in last night because Haley spiked a temp again. She also was puking and is still not on top of her game as far as eating and drinking is. But she is trying and I don't blame her a bit it is hard when you feel rotten. She is back down to 24 lbs and that is not too cool. So as soon as he numbers recover she is eating everything she wants.

She is such a little sweetheart. Yesterday, she wasn't feeling all that well but despite that she wanted to go out and swing so I bundled her up and gave her a swing but she wanted to swing like mommy and her did when she was a teeney weenie thing. So she had a baby swing with mommy and it was so sweet. She breaks my heart. She was stroking my face and loving me up. Man I love her. She was fearful of the bugs but mommy saved her. Then she took a nap outside as I held her all wrapped up like the present she is in a blanket. It was a moment I will never forget. The bond between you and your child is so amazingly fullfilling that it takes you by surprise, because just when you thought you could not love them more somehow in that overflowing heart of yours there is room for more and more and more. I hope you all take a moment to hold your child and embrace that feeling a little more today for me. Sometimes our world gets filled up with business that you forget to breathe in and take that so needed moment to reflect on how fortunate you are to have given life and in return have been given life so much more abundantly. I love you all and keep up the prayers because they are needed every minute and every secound of everyday and they are felt so powerfully. God bless you all and will talk with you soon.Love Amber

Thursday, May 27, 2004 6:27 PM CDT

Hello everyone!!!GOOD NEWS GOOD NEWS!!! We finally got Haley's urine results back and it looks like the chemo and or radiation or the combination of them both is doing the trick to conquer some bad guys!!! Her Catacolomines in her urine were lower then they were before chemo and radation, which is proof that she is winning. Our next step is still uncertain at the moment. I may need to make a trip to NY with Haley to do some more scans to see what it looks like on the inside of her. This will tell us more of what is going on. We are looking possibly at going June 7th thru the 10th. After that we will know for sure what to do. So continue the many wonderful powerful healing prayers they are working.

We got Haley home from the hospital tonight and she is really happy to be home and her brothers and sisters are here all weekend as well so that added even more excitement. I will have more time tomarrow afternoon to update you more on Haleyland but until then....OUT!!!J/k I had to be like Ryan Seacrest on American Idol. Have a wonderful night and sleep well, I know I will in my own bed. YEAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Thank you and God bless each and everyone of you. Keep writing.

Monday, May 24, 2004 2:17 PM CDT

Hey Everyone!

Glad you all liked the new pics. I have plenty more so when we get home, yep we are in the hospital again. Haley is in with a fever and she is kind of dehydrated. She is getting pumped full of fluids and she also is in need of more blood platletts. She is such a sweetie. She is not her usual bubbly self but every once in a while her little mind just natuarally tries to be happy.

She is watching lots of movies and eating and drinking very little. But we are in a safe place and hopefully in day or so she will bounce back and join the toddler world once again. We will hopefully have a result from her urine test either Tuesday or Wednesday this will be the news we have been so impaitently waiting for. This will tell us if all this anquish little Haley has went through with this chemo is actually working at smashing the bad guys. So PRAY HARD!!! Well, little miss Haley's platlettes are here so bye for now. Keep up the notes you know how important they are to us. Thanks!! Amber

Sunday, May 23, 2004 8:31 AM CDT

Well hello everyone! Hope you all are having a nice weekend. The weather has been crazy around here. Haley is having a very rough weekend, she isn't feeling to well. She has had a low grade fever and massive diarea all weekend and mommy and daddy haven't really slept along with Haley. It has got to get better then this. Hopefully, in a couple days things will start to come around for Haley as far as her numbers comming back up where they should be. She has continued to try to smile through all the stomach pains and lack of realaxation though. As usual her positive personality comes shining through and making mommy and daddy feel guilty for feeling angry. She is such an amazing little girl. She is so tough and so loving. I wish all of you could see some of the silly lovey stuff she does.

The latest Haleyland stuff is so cute so here I go to give you all a little visual of Miss Haley's Universe. Patrick and I were getting dinner around the other day and we heard Haley saying eat eat eat. At first I thought she was just hungry but when I looked she was at the dinner table and she had set her little Leap Frog in her booster chair and was feeding him with her spoon and saying eat eat eat. Poor thing can barely eat and here she is so lovingly feeding her little toy. So smart and so genuine. Friday my mother was visiting and we had just got home and the thunderstorms were rolling in. The skies were dark as night and their was a green hue in the sky and the winds were like 70mph. Of course I love thunderstorms but I was freaking out like scared we were getting a tornado or something. Chairs were flying and the swings were swinging high as if someone was swinging in them. Mom and I were sweating bullets thinking we better get to the basement; Casually, Haley goes to the sliding door and says oustside bye, she was pointing at her swings and wanted to go swing. Despite how scary and windy and rainy Haley was just totally calm and could care less about any storm, she just wanted to swing. Her brothers and sisters came over Friday night and she was so excited and despite how bad she was feeling she just couldn't help but want to go play with them. Her and her sissy had found some perfume bottles that mommy doesn't use and they were in their room up on the bed playing and being girls. Well, I walked in after a few minutes and the room stunk to high heaven, i guess they were playing perfume parlor and decided to spray it all over thier bodies. I could barely handle it. Whew!!! They were like to teenage girls laughing and giggling. I guess the story was they were trying to get rid of thier stinky feet smell. Too funny!!! Ok one more story. Yesterday, Haley was feeling rotten so instead of keeping her inside and walloping in her misery we took her outside and gave her a swing. Daddy was swinging her and a small little bug landed on her and she freaked out like it bit her a million times or something. It was like a moth or something. Anyways too make her feel better mommy picked a purple flower off the chives and Haley having the lovely memory that she has, remember mommy picking those dandolions that blow off and she thought she could blow off the chive flower like that. Mommy laughed so hard that haley thought it was funny too. Well, my plan worked. We picked it all apart like the other flower. Well gotta go. New photos will be showing up on the site so keep looking. Keep writing. We love it!! Love Amber

Wednesday, May 19, 2004 3:54 PM CDT

Hello Everyone! Just wanted to let everyone know how Miss Haley is doing so far this week. She has had three radiation treatments now and so far has not seemed to have any issues with pain to her knees or thighs. She is not feeling all that great though due to the fact that she is nearly bottoming out in her numbers from all of the chemo last week. She has had alot of stomach aches and poopies, and this is no fun for her because she just wants mommy and everytime she starts moving around other things get moving around as well. Despite all that she has maintained her little sweet smile and still is baptizing us in her kisses and love. She is such a strong little girl. She has had a couple temps but outside of that she is doing well. We will be getting her some platletts tomorrow to help in keeping her from bleeding if she gets hurt or something. She will probably need blood this weekend. We also will be doing a 24 hour urine test starting tomorrow and this is crucial in telling us if this chemo was in fact successful for Haley in beating down those bad guys. We should know more next week about that though so we will keep you updated. Now as usual I have to tell you a story about Miss Haley's adventures in Haleyland. Haley loves Shrek, I may not have told you this and Grandma from Michigan came and gave her a big stuffed Donkey just like the one on Shrek and she was so excited but scared too because it has a big mouth and teeth and mommy in her usual crazy self decided to make it talk like the donkey by moving its mouth and Haley freaked out like it was going to bite her so she is a little afraid of it. It is so cute but she is warming up to him now and is feeding him things. So mommy pretends to make the Donkey burp and he spits everything back up and now Haley loves him and thinks he is so funny!!! See even bad things can turn into good things with the right outlook and not to mention the goofy dippy mommy to go along with it. Talk to you later and keep writing your slacking remember! Love Amber

Sunday, May 16, 2004 3:39 PM CDT

Good Evening everyone!
Well, this weekend has been a pretty nice one. We have been trying to pick things back up where we left off after being in the hospital all week. We sure do miss normalcy. We are constantly on the go and sometimes it does get so old you start regressing back to your whinning childhood days. Like you know that, I don't want to do it so I don't have to do it attitude. Yep that is how you feel drained and exhausted on top of it. On the good side it is only sometimes that we get this way. Haley on the other hand is doing wonderfully, when we first get home she usually has to go through the wanting to know where mommy and daddy are every single minute stage, understandable, because we are all in a little closet sized room most of the time and she can easily keep tabs on us, at home there is THANK GOD more room. She also has been learning some new tricks, not like a dog, she helps mommy put wet clothes in the dryer and it is so funny because she grunts when I give them to her like they are 1000 lbs or something. She is so funny and she gets this look of such pride like I did it all by myself. She also has a lint fettish and she likes taking it out of the dryer vent and putting each little piece into the trash this is her special job. She has been having fun with her sissy and brothers this weekend and she played outside and helped mommy alittle with the weeds and then help build and hang out in a fort the kids made on their bunk beds. She really loved it. She ate ribs and chicken and lots of corn for dinner and had a homeade chocalate chip cookie mommy made and managed to get all the chocolate everywhere. Why is it when you eat it you manage to get more chocolate on you than cookie. HE HE. The day was good and we love to have good days. Tommarrow is the big day for radiation and so we have to get ready for that by getting a good night sleep, so I'll write more tomarrow and give you her update. Keep sending me emails, your slackin' a bit.J/k love to hear from you . I will be updating the photos tomarrow also. Take care and talk with you soon. Love Amber

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 6:43 PM CDT

HI HI HI!!! Thanks for the notes, you guys are the best. Like I have said before and cannot say enough "keep it comming" It is remarkable how healing it is to the soul. Thanks.
Little Miss Haley Rose is doing well tonight, earlier today she was having a real rough time with the chemo. I think I changed her diaper every 2 minutes for about hour this afternoon. On a positive note i got to pratice my changing diaper skills, I am not to bad if I do say so myself. Oh Gosh, I have to tell you what happened last night. Patrick got me an ice cream cone from McDonald's and as you know they are huge and although you specify small they are still strangly too large. Well, anyway, I was doing the normal licking process when Haley decided she wanted to try, this is where it gets good; You know how kids are with things at first there typically is the investigating stage and then there is the let me try it stage, but at first they still hold back and then they just go to town, like thier little brains say " I am so cool I am so cool". Any hoot she attempted to try the licking the ice cream thing. Ok we all have a toungue ok well Miss Haley used about 1/4 of hers. it was like she wasn't quite trusting it at first. And obviously she didn't get much so I showed her again. Of course with my mouth and toungue I could get alot. Then she tried it agian and this time she was really aggresive like you could just feel and see her confidence and oh yeah, she went to town on it and so did her face. It was cute then she thought it was neat to put some one her nose and just look at us like; and you thought I couldn't figure it out. Just another little Haley story. Well,dad and Haley are watching this new show called " The Mentalist", oh yeah maybe I can really learn how to read people's minds. We will see won't we. I more worried about Haley reading peoples minds. YIKES!! Well gotta go duty calls. Amber

Tuesday, May 11, 2004 4:02 PM CDT

Good evening everyone! I just wanted to give you the latest update on Miss Haley, she is doing pretty good. She started her chemo yesterday and also got her uninary catherter in and is not real happy about peeing in a bag, but who would be. She has been having some tummy aches and stuff with the chemo because it is doing its job to kill everything it comes into contact with. This round of chemo is much more intense then previous ones it is quadroople the dose and she is also taking some new kind along with it to try and get those darn bad guys roaming around inside her. She will also be starting her radiation to both the right and left leg for the next 2 1/2 weeks and it will be a half a day everyday so that will be tough and Haley will have to be put under for all of the treatments because like any almost 2 year old she cannot sit still. Her birthday is just around the corner though it is June 28th and we are hopefully not going to be in the hospital for that. But we are going to have a big birthday party for her because she is so special and tough and she needs to have to major fun. Not sure what to do yet but whatever it will be it will be a day of sure fun for My girl. Haley had a couple visitors today they were her Uncle and grandma and she was soooooooooooooooo happy to see them and was laughing up a storm, so despite the feeling icky she still posted a smile and busted out some laughs we will post some new pics when we get home. PLease keep sending me emails and writing in our guestbook it makes me feel so good that there are so many out there praying and thinking of miss Haley everyday, and the power from the prayers is surely helping to soothe us as well as Haley. I am sad to see the little fuzzies On Haley's head go bye bye again along with her eyelashes and eyebrows but they keep comming back so that is a bonus. Right now she is shredding some wipes I gave her and now their is a neat little pile on the floor. I will never understand why it is so fasinating to shred paper products for a kid, if you know let me know. She also has found out how to raise and lower her hospital bed, she thinks she is so smart, hopefully, it does not eat her up. She thinks that it just keeps going hopefully it has emergency stop for Haley's sake. She is playing peek-a-boo with me right now with the hospital pillows what a little terd. Those eyes are soooo huge and bright, God I love her. Well, I must go attack her so I love you all for all your help and keep sending thoughts. It is so wonderful. May God bless you also. Amber

Sunday, May 9, 2004 9:19 AM CDT

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!
I hope you all are enjoying your day and take time to relax and it. However hard it may be do it for me. Being a mom and or a grandmom requires more strength and energy then anyone could make a potion for. Trust me I know. Haley is having lots of fun this weekend. Her brothers and sissy are over and she is enjoying there company and her toys are happy she is back to play with them. She pushes her little doll stroller around and kisses her little baby so cute. She is such a great little mommy. YIKES! She is eating well and is becomming quite the little porker. Her little thighs are so meaty and soft, why is it so cute when you are little and so not cute when you are older, that is so unfair. HE HE. She also played outside alot yesterday, she played on the swings, helped mommy clean off the lawn chairs and picked some more dandolions for mommy. She also found mommys pretty spring flowers up front and decided to pick those as well, except mommy told her those ones were to look at not to pick. I think she understood. She layed out on the lawn with Grandma Minchella and colored and pretended to sleep on the grass, too funny. She also walked in the grass barefoot and it was hilarious her facial expressions. She had this look on her face like what the heck is this stuff and why am I walking in it. Typical foo foo girl. What a prissy. Then she was fine after mommy did it too. She ate mashed potaoes for dinner and she had them everywhere but in her mouth. I think she was trying to make hair out them. It was funny and she knew she was funny so you know what happens next, oh yeah since that was funny what else can I do to make it even more funny, yep mommy had a messy to clean up! We are going to be admitted tomarrow in the Toledo Children's Hospital for a week or more for Chemo and radiation and then we will be back home for recovery. Hope to hear from you all the time while we are there and I will keep you all updated. Well, I better get to packing just after I unpacked and then enjoy the weather. Have a wonderful day and don't foget to write us this week. We love you guys and keep up the prayers and the constant support is so appreciated.! You are all my inspiraiton. Love Amber

Thursday, May 6, 2004 2:44 PM CDT

Hello Everyone!! Well, we had our long awaited conversation with our doctor and this is the latest news. Haley's leisions on both of her legs had grown slightly so it looks like we are going to be going through more chemo and also some spot radiation on both legs. This will all be done in Toledo, Ohio next week at The Toledo Childrens Hospital. She will be starting her chemo on Monday and she will be there for a week and then she will also be getting radiation next week as well, looking to start that on Thursday of next week and that will take about 10-12 days total. The doctors think that combined with Chemo should hopefully cause those lesions to hault or die (either one would be nice) so that we can move on to other treatments. So Haley is going to be doing some aggressive stuff this week and I hope that the power of your prayers continue to do thier thing. The doctors told us that early relapse is also hard to get because the cells our so strong. But I let it go in one in and out the other basically, because Haley has suprised us many times before and this should be no exception to the rule. It is scary wondering all the things that go on in my head but most of all that I do know is Haley and she is someone to be reckoned with. I would hate to be a cancer cell because you would have a strong battle on your hands. The doctor did tell us that The lesion on her right femor might start to cause some pain soon if it is not stopped so hopefully, this chemo cocktail that they will give her will kill the suckers. Man that stuff is nasty. I plain hate it and wish it never existed ever. All the children I see with this stuff in the hospitals is mindboggling. God, please send us the answers to this soon. You have the key to unlock the mystery that consumes this society, give that knowledge to the right individual and send him to us. Please Pretty please!!! Well, I think he is working on that as I speak. Oh, you know me got to tell you the latest Haley Rose nut story. Today we were leaving RMH to go to the hospital to speak to the doctor and a lady at RMH gave Haley a dollie and it had a couch and bottle (it was a miniature one) she loved it. We got to the hospital and were in with the doctor talking and Haley had to bring her sunshine in the room by trying to sit on this little couch. Ok, imagine me trying to sit on a barbie couch, know you understand, it was so cute and funny. Thank God she did that because I was on the verge of tears today. It gets to be alot to handle at times all this stuff happening to the most precious angel in your life. Well, all I can say is continue continue continue all the prayers and the notes and the emails, they are all what keep the air in our inflatable raft. You are all my angels and Haleys and Patricks. Don't ever forget that. Love you and miss you. WE will be on our flight home tomarrow leaving NY at 9:15am Love amber

Wednesday, May 5, 2004 3:54 PM CDT

Hello everyone!
We just got in and we are still waiting to hear results from Haley's MIBG scan. From what we could tell, Haley still has the spots we were aware of already about a month ago. We could not tell if they have grown or stayed the same. It looks like we will know more tomarrow in our meeting with the doctor scheduled around 10:30am. There was also a questionable spot on her calve, but we have no idea for sure what it is till tomarrow. It is so scary seeing her little body on the screen and freaking out about every bright spot that shows up, hoping to God that it is not something new. It was a tantlizing process but Haley slept well and tolerated the sedation wonderfully. She is so brave and comes out so good always. Whatever we may here tomarrow we are ready, a little afraid but ready. Please pray extra hard for all of us tonight as we will need lots of strength for tomarrow. We got Haley some food in her tummy and now she is watching Monsters, Inc. We love you all and hope to have more solid news tomarrow in the early afternoon. We will update you as soon as possible. Enjoy your night and thank for your prayers and blessings.Love Amber

Tuesday, May 4, 2004 2:41 PM CDT

Hello all my friends and family;
I miss you all very much and I can't began to thank for all your notes and emails. They have blessed my soul today, I ended up in tears with so many emotions. I am glad to report that we also heard today that Haley's CT scan done last week was also clean. I am freaking out here. I mean that is wonderful to hear and I am hoping to God that all the news I hear the rest of the week repeats itself. It is crazy what I am feeling today. I am so happy and so nervous just the same it is mind bogling. I wanted you all to lift someone else very special to my family up in prayer also her name is Kathy Daniels and she is such a sweet old soul and she is going through chemo and dealing with alot right along with Miss Haley, please pray that God bring her continued peace and joy and let her enjoy this time with so many loved ones. Thank You!!! I cannot tell you enough how much all of you touched me today. All those emails and journal entries were splendid! Haley is such a cutie as always she is winning everyones adoration and smiles and so much laughter. For the last couple days she has been doing the silliest stuff, she had another episode of her fake puking again. That little turp was doing it over the tub this time. Where she learns this stuff I will never know. She is such a ham. She also has been becoming quite the flirt, I took her downstairs at RMH last night or more she took me down. HE HE She thinks she is CEO of this place in NY, what a hoot. Anyway we went down and walked to see the Pishies (Fish) as Haley calls them and she was looking at them and laughing and then someone was playing the piano and Haley decided to start her own little dance moves along with the music. The funny part was not just the dancing but the fact she had to go right up to the piano and strut her stuff. What a bold girl she is! Lord knows I wouldn't dare do that or they'd have me arrested for impersonating a bad dancer. Then she didn't stop there of course this man that was there watching everything came up to us and told us he was a counsler her at the RMH, and that he worked with teenagers. He was talking with Miss Haley and she all the sudden started chit chatting with him in Haley english, it was cute and she also had the mannerisms of an older person, she put her hand on her hip and used her other hand to talk with, I was stunned how much she has picked up from watching everyone. It was so cute and she was kind of flirting with him. That of course concerned me, slightly. :) Then she decided to sit down and contiue the conversation and motioned to us to sit as well. She patted the couch insinuating that she wanted me to join her. Yep, she has got me, tied up and wrapped up with a big bow on my head and a card saying "Haley's pet mommy". Oh well, I enjoy being her little pet. Pretty soon, we needed to go back upstairs to eat and I had to fight her every step of the way. She worked her magic though and tried to sway me in another direction. Those eyes, that smile, And her little quirks just melt me. We did manage to leave after about a half hour later and she had to tell dad all about it. Oh yeah, and guess what dad got to go down to see the pishies as well. HA HA We took Haley into the chapel later and layed our hands on her and prayed for her and I really felt Gods spirit in that little room. He is so wonderful and he is really working in our lives. Today, we went to the book store and got some new reads for mommy and daddy and of course Haley, she managed to grab a few extra things as we passed them. Like this was a free for all or something. Dad had to be dragged back and forth until mommy's turn arrived. It was fun till we had to leave. Again those wonderful 2's are setting in, she wants her way. Can you imagine that, having your own way. How dare she. J/K She is spoiled but we are the ones to blame. Oh. well you only live once and if Miss Haley wants the moon or the stars then we will find a way to get her them. Keep the notes and emails comming I need them to keep me sane. You are loved very much and missed and keep praying!!!!! I hope this all fits on our web page. Thanks!

Monday, May 3, 2004 6:47 PM CDT

Hello everyone! I don't have alot of time to write all my happenings today, but I will tomarrow, but I wanted you all to know today we heard some good news. Haley Rose's bone marrow is clean thus far, their are still some more tests to confirm all, but this is wonderful news to us. I will write more later but praise God for answering some of our prayers. We love all of you and you mean the world to us and please always as much as possible keep sending us your hello's they truly make me smile and feel like I am not in alone in this battle. Today we have made a successful step ahead of the bad guys, keep praying your prayers they are being heard and felt. You are cherished so much. Amber

Sunday, May 2, 2004 1:45 PM CDT

It is me agian! Hello everyone. Thanks for the encouragement. We all needed that. I am sure that this delay is for a reason as well. God works in mysterious ways. We are hanging out today at RMH ( Ronald McDonald House) because it is raining and icky out. Haley is trying to have fun, but is not shockinly getting bored and wanting to go bye bye all the time. Yesterday, we took her to Central Park and you wouldn't believe all the people there and they all were laying in the sun on the lawns there sunbating. It was just like the movies. Haley made her presence known though. She cried an screamed when she got tierd and mom and dad were trying to not look anyone in the eye fearing that might think we were terrible parents or something. In a way it was funny, despite the slight hearing loss. She most certainly did not get those lungs from me. HE HE We went through a tunnel there in the park and this man was playing a flute in there and it echoed and sounded so magical. It was very nice I just could have stayed there all day listening to it. He was taking tips of course, he deserved them though. Haley also got out of her stroller a little and picked mommy some dandelions from central park. They look the same as the ones from Ohio but the meaning was much more sincere. Little sweetie. Always thinking of everyone else. She also is having fun with the telephone in our room at RMH she broke the cord but she pretends she is some kind of superwoman phone operator. Talking and saying all sorts of mumble jumble. I could watch her for hours. The way her little mind works is so interesting to me. Then she cleans everything up with her wet wipes, So we have figured that she is either going to be some kind of secretary or cleaning lady when she grows up. What sick expectations we have as parents. Actually, we will only except an occupation on a higher level such as a doctor or Attorney or something. Just kidding. She could be whatever she wants we will still love her. But it will be much more difficult to get loans from her any other way. OK I am joking. Actually, she should be a piano player with those long delicate fingers of hers. Maybe her and I will take lessons together one day. That would be fun. All in all we are better today, not as upset. We know that everything happens for a reason. Well, we love an miss everyone and keep sending us emails I love them so much. It means the world to me. Love always Amber. Give all your little kiddies and grand kiddies big kisses and hugs, your so lucky to have them healthy and happy. Keep in touch.

Saturday, May 1, 2004 5:20 PM CDT

Hello everyone;
Sorry for the delay, but as you can imagine things have been crazy. We are going to be in NY a little longer then we anticipated and will be home hopefully next weekend. The MIBG Scan that Haley was supposed to have Friday didn't happen. Haley got delayed for her sedation because their were no nurses there to sedate her at the time and then she missed her 2 O'clock time slot because of that so needeless to say it was rough. They tried to get the test done but Haley had already been sedated and had slept all she wanted to sleep so she wouldn't sit still for the scan. Poor little thing was so hungry and frusterated from sitting all day and mom and dad were ready to go off on someone. We were really upset that we did not get the test and that the reason we did not get the test was due to someone else's lack of professionalism. Oh, well not much we can do about it now. We had to change our flight and also have to stay away from our home another week. All for one test on Thursday. Well, so needless to say, we have no more information and will not know till next Thursday where we stand with treatment. But stay tooned to this site. I will update you regulary I will be back tomarrow to tell you some other good stuff. Love and miss you all. Give us a call if you want 419-344-1063 we would love to hear some familiar voices.

Thursday, April 29, 2004 4:40 PM CDT

HELLO EVERYONE!!! We miss everyone a ton and cannot wait to be back home and sleeping in our own bed. Today was a fun day for Haley Rose though. She got to see alot of NY. She had a 2:00 appointment and so we took advantage of most of the day with her. We took her this morining to time square and Rokefeller Center and she was looking around in amazement at all there is to see here. Mom and Dad had fun too. It was cool seeing things you have only seen in movies or on T.V. We strolled around in Downtown Manhattan for awhile and walked by the today show window and saw where Katie Couric and Matt Lauer sit every morning and it was really neat. We saw the carnigie hall building which was beautiful it looked so rich with all its hand carved stone and moldings. We saw Grand Central station and walked pass the Empire State building. We will go in another time. Just seeing it was amazing though. We also took a Cab ride see the Statue Of Liberty we just saw it from afar but it was so neat, we will have to go back and take a ferry Haley would love it. We drove right pass the vacant spread of city where the twin towers were and it was so sad thinking about what had happened there. We took lots of photos so we will send them when we get them back home. We headed back to Sloan-Kettering and Haley got her injection for her MIBG tomarrow and we will soon know what is next for her as far as treatment. We are very scared and nervous and we have to wait till late in the day Friday to hear anything so stay tuned in. Overall, Haley is wonderful, she is so beautiful her little spirit is so happy and she looks so healthy it just amazes you to think how strong she has become. She truly makes it easier to bear just being around her and capturing all her innoccent beauty. She just lights up a room when she waddles her little butt in and makes you smile inside and feel wonderful to know you created such a precious little soul. Everyone just falls in love with her. She totally has spun her web and has trapped mommy and daddy in it. She just acts all cute and we become little robots to her demands, that little pistol. She talks alot and loves to say "come here" and she will grab you hand and litterally pull you off your butt and make you go with her on her little journey. She walks through those hospital halls like she owns them, what a twurp!! She looks at things and says "what's this" in her little english interpretation of those words. She is so bold and tough and I can only imagine what potential she has as she gets older. Her little expressions are so much fun you want to squeeze her head off, and we thought we had to worry about the disease hurting her, She just makes you fall in love with her. Although today, she about pulled mommys nostril off:) Man I think I am lucky if it does not bruise. We were at the hospital and she loaded her drawers and immedialtely says "butt, mommy butt" so I run her to the restroom and they have a pull out thing on the wall to lay her on, well it would work much better if you were 6 feet tall! No kidding I had to stand on my tippy toes to put her up there and change her. I kept thinking "do people come more tall here or am I shrinking" an hoot, My face met the height of the changing table so just put your imagination to work. Tell me about it, well Haley was being all cute and of course, I was going in to give her a kiss and she started touching my cheek like she does when i give her a kiss and out of nowhere she grabs my nostrils and pratically pulls them out. OUCH!!! I about screamed bloody murder, it hurt like heck. It was so funny. My nose is still hurting. I might end up on Extreme Makeover by the time she is done with me. HE HE. Well, now she is watching Shrek and I better go save dad and order some food for dinner. We miss you and love you all. Keep praying and sending us emails. We love and need all the encouragement. I mean it!! Love Amber.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 12:55 AM CDT

Hello eveyone!! We are at Sloan-Kettering waiting for Haley to pee for four hours so that they may test it. SO MUCH FUN!!! She had her Bone Marrow test today and CT scan and was sedated for both. She is doing great. We had a pretty good flight here to NY but had a few delays, oh, one other minor (yeah right) problem, someone at the Detroit airport decided Haley's luggage should take a little trip to Miami Florida, so needless to say we didn't get her luggage with her meds in it till 2am in the morning Tuesday. We learned a lesson though, carry all meds with us not just some. HE HE. Also we went to Central Park yesterday to have a little visit and Haley almost jumped in the lake to see the ducks and the little sailboats. What a beautiful place all, when we got close to it it was like the buildings came to a hault and there was this beautiful forest with tons of sunshine and pretty blossoming trees with that fresh green tint to all the trees leaves. You all have got to see it. We will go back Thursday to stay longer. Oh, you will laugh at this one> Mommy and Haley Rose were posing for Daddy for a photo at the alice in wonderland statue and mom thought it would be a great idea to sit under the mushroom and it all went well till I stood up and realized I sat in a huge puddle and got soaked and then had to walk through NY totally embarassed, it was funny though, my butt cheeks were freezing> :) Alright, quit laughing!! Haley as usual has made lots of freinds and is miss social to everyone. She has everyone in love with her. Well, we will write some more later but for now goodbye and keep in touch.

Sunday, April 25, 2004 1:22 PM CDT

Hello everyone!! I wanted to jot down a little note to let you all know how Miss Haley is doing. Haley is a nut, plain and simple. She is cracking me up lately. She pretends to read books at least I think she is pretending. He nickname will now be Miss Einstein. She is plumping up as well, I am sure that cheesy pringles and pepsi have nothing to do with it. :) She also loves playing Barbies with mommy, or I love her playing with me. I am reliving my childhood, Oh well, I have an excuse. Oh, Haley found a barbie hat that sticks to her face and head and now it has become her new ornament. Like I said she is brillient just like her mommy. HA HA. It is so funny how much she reminds me of myself. I mean how weird is it when she crosses her toes like me. No one in the world can comprehend that one. The one thing I have not been able to capture in a kodak photo yet is Haley pointing at things. She puts her hand right up by her nose and points her finger out like a little old lady warning her grand kids to stop doing something. It is truly priceless. What can I say she acts great!! We hope to hear good news this week in NY and we hope to nip this stuff in the butt and move on. You all out there are so special to me and Patrick and more importantly Haley Rose. Keep up your prayers and keep thinking positiviely. We all need your continued support. Nothing but goodness to you all and we will talk to you soon. Love Amber Oh, Our photo album is much improved now. Take a look. We will change them weekly.

Thursday, April 22, 2004 9:05 PM CDT

Hello everyone!
WOW thank you soooooooooooooooooooooo much for all your thoughts and your prayers. I love hearing how many people and families are out there and praying for my little Haley Rose. She is so special to both of us and she is sweet and beautiful not only on Kodak paper but in her little tender heart. She is the light that still hangs on to me. She makes me want to get up in the morining and makes me want to be the best mommy I can be. Sorry for the delay in updating everyone but it has been a crazy week. Last weekend all the kiddies were over so we had a busy fun weekend playing outside and enjoying the summerlike weather that we have been having. Saturday we went to Cabela's (this is a hunting/outdoor sporting goods store. HUGE) Haley had alot of fun. She loved checking out all the poor little stuffed animals in there and enjoying the huge indoor fish (or as Haley calls it "Pish" ) tank. She also got so new bandanna's for her cute little bald head. We came home and played outside again and finally had to drag her in to eat and take a bath before bed. She loves it so much because like any little kid it is a whole new world. Literally, for Haley it is like a new home. The hospitals even though they are great with care are not great for long stays and really lack the good being at home security comfortable feeling. So she is making up for lost time. So far this week she has been pretty good. She did drop her numbers (blood counts) a bit early in the week, but we started her shots up again and she is kickin' butt her ANC(basically her immunity levels)are 10,000 a normal person on average is around 1500 so yeah she is doing more than good she is doing great. The other good news is she hasn't had to have blood products this round and that is so nice. We also did some spring cleaning this week after her Grandma Morris came to visit for a couple days. She loves her Grandma and now she says "Grandma" all the time. She is so darn cute and funny. I know this sounds totally weird, but now being a mom I can understand why mothers eat their young. :) Just kidding. Seriously, I think you love them so much you feel like you could gobble them up. What an amazing power loving a child can be. Oh, she did the funniest thing tonight. She found this Puke bucket from the hospital, and she was fake puking in the bucket, she was so serious about it I nearly rolled on the floor. She should have one an oscar for this one. She is so smart she remembers everything. How awful though that that is a memory she has learned. The good side is that if she ever does puke again at least she knows it goes in a bucket and not on the floor or mommy or daddy.:) She also is getting more and more independent, she for the first time today, walked out of the hospital,got into the elevator and walked to the car in the parking garage without wanting me to hold her. This was a really great sign to me that she is still going to fight and she is still going to beat this thing and instead feeling sorry for herself she puts her head up and confidently moves ahead to her next conquest. So for all of you who are praying very hard for all of us, just know that those wonderful meaningful prayers are beating down those darn bad guys and multiplying her strength. Also if everyone could just email me thier email address to the link below millenniumap@aol.com that would be great, I want to mass email some new photos of miss Haley Rose. I would appreciate it greatly. I send a big hug and kiss from Haley and from us and as Haley would say Muah!!!!! We will be in NY next Monday thru Saturday for Testing, hopefully, I can keep you updated while at Ronald McDonald, but if not I will talk to you soon enough. Love you all tremendously.

Thursday, April 22, 2004 9:05 PM CDT

Friday, April 16, 2004 7:12 AM CDT

Good Morning Everyone! Just wanted to update you all on what Haley did yesterday. In the morning Haley went to TOledo hospital to get her blood work done and talk to doctors about her next step in this process. We found out that her ANC is almost 7000 this means her immune system is above average and she also had good blood counts and her platelettes were also very good. We go back in Sunday to get her checked agian and see where she is at with her counts. Plus, mommy and daddy only have to give her shots again tonight and then we get to stop. These shots of a drug called neupogen help to get her white blood cell count up and help her immune system recover after chemo treatments. We also found out that we will be going to New York on the 26th -28th of this month to have further testing done and see how any lesions may have responded to the last chemo. Hopefully, the darn things are gone and we can move on to bigger and much better things. Haley also helped mommy yesterday rearrange her closet and was trying to put on mommys belts ( little miss smarty knew right where they went without me telling her) She was knocking down all the piles mommy was trying to stack and organize. Daddy came home and we went outside and played on the swing and also played with the chalk and watched daddy mow the lawn. Haley then cuddled with daddy outside and then we came in and ate dinner. Haley watched T.V with mommy and daddy and intensly watched survivor. I think she relates. All in all we had a great day and are excited to get to NY and see what is going on inside out little girl. I will talk to you this weekend. Haley's brothers and sister are comming over and she is really happy. She loves playing with them and having lots of fun messing up he house. Enjoy your nice weekends everyone. It is going to be a beautiful one here in the 70's. Love ya and keep praying.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004 6:21 PM CDT

Hello everyone!!!!!I was in tears seeing all the journals form everyone. YOu all really encouraged me today. Please everyone send me your email addresses to millenniumap@aol.com. I want to send you more photos as I know you would love to see what our precious little Haley is up to. Today Haley had a fun day Mommy and Daddy took her to the zoo and she got to see all sorts of animals but she had a certain fondness for the lions and she roared excessivly and they roared back just as load ( poor things probably thought they were being invaded by some strange ancestor of thiers) She also thought the mearkats were one of her own. She loves dogs and cats and these were as just as cute, she was ponding on the glass between them trying to have a conversation all her own,It was really sweet seeing her have some fun and get out of isolation a bit. She also had fun with the chalk on the sidewalk when we got home and thought it would be neat to include mommys clothes as part of her masterpiece. We will be taking her in tommarrow to get her bloodwork done and see where her numbers are (for those of you who might be new to this) this determines if she will need any blood or platlett transfusions which is usually a normal procedure after about 5-7 days after a chemo treatment. So hopefully she will be good till Sunday or Monday then she will really be low. What a beautiful day, It felt normal today for the first time in many months and weeks of emotional highs and lows. I am anxious to see what the next step is. This stuff (Neuroblastoma)works fast and grows very quickly so you get nervous when your in a standstill. Like reminding yourself not to get to comfortable because things can change rapidly. I could really enjoy and get used to being normal again though. Soon enough Haley is a tough little nut and isn't going to lay down and take any crap from this stuff. I too am ready to kick its mighty butt and get back to worrying about the simple normal things like "potty training". Lord knows Haley is already there but we have to wait to get through all the Chemo cause it will be to hard on her. She however, brings me her diapers and wet wipes and says to me in a pouting voice "butt Mommy, Butt". The funiest part is when she goes number #2 and says "Whew!!"
Well, I have rambled enough for tonight, but we love you all and so need your continued support and prayers and please write me as much as possible. You are all my lifeline. May God bless you all as you have blessed us.
Love Always,Amber

Monday, April 12, 2004 11:35 AM CDT

Good Morning everyone!!
Hope everyone had a good Easter!! We had a lot of fun and Haley was so good. She was happy to be home. She had a round of Chemo early Easter morning and then they let us go home early to be with everyone. She is so tough not to many kids who have just had Chemo in the morning are playing and Easter egg hunting in the afternoon. All is all it was fun Haley got a little tierd in the hunt for the eggs so mommy carried her and she won $4 she was happy and we put it in her piggy bank. She was so cute out there. She was all excited to get eggs and would pass up some to get the prettier eggs. He HE. She ate lots of cheezy potatoes that mommy made and had cake and cracked lots of hard-boiled eggs. But she had fun and so did all of us. We have made a new rule for Haley this past week and that is that we are not going to isolate her as much. We have been so worried about germs and her getting sick that the only time she leaves home is to go to the hospital somewhere. No more. Now that the weather is getting nicer we are going to have more fun. GO the the zoo the park for walks etc. Poor little thing has fogotten what fun life can be and we must not let her forget that she is still a little girl and she can still be like other little girls. Besides God will take care of her and protect her from all that other junk. Right now Miss Haley Rose is fast asleep and I am trying to update her website with my journal and also photos. I got some cute new ones from this past week. We love everyone and miss you terribly. We should know more later this week on what we will be doing for Haley's next treatment so keep checking. Love all of Ya Ambe

Saturday, April 10, 2004 8:35 AM CDT

Hello everyone! Today Haley is kind of had it. She hasn't slept to well the last two nights and is driving mommy and daddy nuts with her high demands. :) She is picky and wants what she wants when she wants it, your typical terrible twos have arrived. HE HE. She enjoys using the nurses stethosccope and thermometer to check our pooh. Yep She will have her Phd before we know it. She is watching Cat in the hat and also Monsters Inc. We have memorized nearly every part. We are tierd and ready to be home also. We are on each others case today. Thank God Sunday we will be home and out of this place. You can only take so much hospital before you go nuts. Haley's bone marrow is clean and we are anxious to get to New York in three weeks to see what they want to do. We are going to have all the kiddies tommarrow and have an Easter Egg Hunt and enjoy good home cooking. The blandness of this hospital food is about enough to make anyone hate eating. Patrick just went down to get breakfast. Oh yeah!! Well, My beauty queen calls. Talk to ya soon. Love Amber

Friday, April 9, 2004 4:38 PM CDT

Today Haley is in the hospital getting her maintenence chemo while we wait to see whether or not she will go to transplant. She is doing great we have been here since wed. of this week. We hope to be home for Easter dinner. She was laughing and smiling alot today and loves feeding mommy and daddy her chippies. She loves Cheezy pringles. She has been playing with her new finger puppets and she pats her pillow on her bed when she wants some TLC from mommy of daddy. It is amazing how selfless she already has become in her little life and how sweet and giving she instinctivly is. God has truly blessed her little soul.

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