History

Tuesday, May 9, 2006 8:32 AM EST

Hi everyone - I know I know....long time no post. My life has been crazy for the last couple of weeks/months. School, work, going to the gym, you name it, its all there and its making me crazy!!! The good news, yes good news, is that Eamon and I are leaving in exactly 10 days for Ireland. I so cannot wait. We bought these tickets sooooo long ago and it really felt like the day would never come but here it is!! I am so excited. The only downer is that I have to take TWO finals on the day we leave. Getting on a plane for a 7 hour flight is never going to feel so delicious!!

Things have been pretty normal around here. School has been crazy. No major update there. I know now that I will never again take 4 classes while working full-time. That was a few moments of insanity that I have thankfully come back from. Next semester I will probably take just two classes possibly three if I am feeling ballsy. Depends on the schedule.

Other news - weight loss is continuing rather slowly. Although I find it disheartening at times, my oncologist says its the best way to do it - slowly. He says that way you are training yourself to eat better not setting yourself up for binge eating. I know he is right but still - I just want to be a hot babe already. Is that too much ask??? I mean, doesnt a cancer slayer deserve a new fast metabolism?

I think that would be a great reward. Someday....Ahh, dreams of babeland (ode to Sarah!)

Hair news. I got a little crazy with my hair a while ago. I was feeling really bad about it - brown and curly. I am normally blonde and straight. Everyone loved the curls and the style but it just wasnt working for me. I guess I was going through this new identity crisis. When for your whole life you are blonde and straight and then through no choice of your own, you are now brown and curly - you tend to not really like it. This lady and I at work kind of got into it. She said (and not so nicely I might add) "Why dont you just have some patience and relax, its not like your hair wont grow back eventually". - Well SCREW YOU!!!! Well, I didnt actually say that but I wanted to. I mean what does this witch know about losing your hair? What I did say was, "It would be highly different if I had chosen to go bald and then chosen to dye my hair brown and chosen to get a perm. Then, maybe I wouldn't like it, but I would live with it and deal with it because it would have been my choice. I did not choose to lose my hair nor did I choose for it to come back the way it did and I dont feel like I have to DEAL with it. Okay?" Alright, so maybe I was a little rude but I am honestly quite sick of people who have no idea what its like to lose your hair. Maybe its partial vanity but I think alot of it has to do with my identity and taking back what cancer took from me. Cancer took my long lucious blonde hair and gave me short curly brown hair. Nothing against people who have beautiful short curly brown hair but it does not belong to me! I am sick of looking in the mirror everyday and having my own hair and look be a constant reminder of the hell I went through and the reason why my hair is the way it is....Soooooo - the first thing I did was get extensions and dye my hair blonde....The hair on the top that is short is my regular hair...

BUT - those lasted about 5 days because they hurt like hell. I felt like I was going insane from the itching on my scalp. I couldnt even sleep. So what I did next was get the Japanese straightening perm. It is one of the greatest things invented for hair. I get out of the shower and my hair is stick straight. I dont have to blow dry it or iron it - its amazing. It will last for 3-6 moths depending on how fast my hair grows and then I only have to get the roots done. Also - if its true what they say - that it takes two years for cancer hair to go back to normal - then soon I wont have to straighten it or dye it!! I wish I had a picture to post. I will get Eamon to take one tonight and then I will post it right here....Its kind of funny because the back of my hair is to my shoulders, the sides are almost as long but my bangs are only to my eyes so I have a lovely mullett!!! I pull the bangs back and you cant even tell though!!! But in all seriousness, after I got this done to my hair everyone commented on how happy I looked. How different I looked and how much I looked like my old self. You have NO IDEA how much that meant to me and how justified I felt about the changes I needed to make to my hair and to myself. I almost feel like my old self again. My sister actually said that when she saw my hair it was like De Ja Vu....It was me again! So be afraid everyone cause the old me is back...hehehoohaha!!!

All right so the next time I update this will be when we get back from Ireland which is June 10th. Oh so our itinerary - we are going to fly into Belfast on the 19th (land on the 20th) and then stay there for a couple days with Eamon's mum and dad. Then we are flying to Amsterdam for three days - fun fun fun!! Then we go back to Belfast for another couple of days. Then Eamon is going to drive me around Ireland for a few days. Then we are meeting up with Eamon's parents in Dublin for a couple days. Then we go back to Belfast and back to New York. I soooo cannot wait. This is going to be such a fun trip. I cant wait to meet Eamon's family......I am already freaking out about what to pack. Eamon tells me I am crazy and I have to say what else is new. He doesnt care about packing, he will just throw some things into a bag and go. Not me - I need tons of stuff. Let's see if I can keep it down to two suitcases - yeah right!! Well - I am going to miss my cats to pieces. I have never been away from them for more than a week and now I am going to go for three. I am nervous. Not only about missing them but about what they are going to do our apartment when they get over the lonliness and move on to the pissed off stage. You see, I got them an automatic feeder and an automatic litter box. So, Adrian, who lives downstairs from us, is just going to come up and check on them and change the bag in the litter box every 5 days. He isnt going to hang out with them especially since they hate everyone but me and Eamon. I think I might get some plastic and put it on our furniture...

Health news - Things are going good. My energy is pretty much back to normal except when I try to do too much at once, then I tend to get frustrated alot easier than before. I do still get chemo brain and have some trouble thinking clearly and coming up with the word I am looking for. Thankfully, my sleep has gone back to almost normal. I dont have to take pills anymore and the nightmares are gone. I will have my next check up with my oncologist in July and I will be scanned again in September. May 26th will be one year off of chemo....it feels like yesterday! I am not having as much anxiety as I used to have. Hodgkins old-timers that I talk to told me it gets much eaier with time. I didnt really believe but I am now suspecting they are right. Also, after my last nervous breakdown in March things seem to have gone uphill. I am really glad for that because my mind was in some very dark places that I would rather not visit again. It is scary some of the things you can let yourself be convinced of when you are terrified of what can happen to you. The possibility of visiting these places again is very real especially before my next scan but I shall do my best to avoid them. Wish me luck.

I will leave you with a very important public service announcement. I want everyone in the world to get registered as a bone marrow donor. Unfortunately, it isnt easy to do so and most people have to dish out like $50 for it. I was told of a way that makes it easier to get registered with a mouth swab that you can do at home. Plus, and here is the bonus, if you a minority - LIKE MOST OF MY FAMILY - (no excuses ANY OF YOU!) then you can be registered for free. I am going to paste an email I received below that details what you have to do - it originally started for someone who is of Filipino decent and needed a donor but the people saw the benefit of expanding it to everyone so DO IT PLEASE - you may just save a life and isnt that worth $50?????

Take care everyone - Love to all! Oh and please sign my guestbook as well, I love to read about people stopping by....just say Hey!

This is great news!........
Signing up for the bone marrow registry (NMDP) has gotten a whole
lot easier!
Kim Ramos at City of Hope is able to send a self-registration package to anyone who is willing to sign up for the NMDP Registry
but can't make it to a bone marrow drive.
The self-registration buccal swab kit eliminates the need to give a blood sample in order to be tested for the bone marrow registry. Instead, you just need to swab the inside of you cheeks with provided cotton swabs. It can be done at home. It's easy and painless! You will also need to complete a registration form and consent form.
City of Hope has also informed me that anyone who is an ethnic minority (Asian, Hispanic, etc) will have their processing fee waived (grant money available for minority donors). So if you have a
Filipino friend who wants to sign up for the registry, IT WILL BE FREE.
To check to see if you qualify to be a bone marrow donor, visit the NMDP website: http://www.marrow.org/HELP/med_guidelines_join.html
BUT DON'T SIGN UP ON THE WEBSITE- City of Hope will process all of Christine's friends and family. (The website is not able to waive the fee for minority donors.)
Most important: If you sign up, you'll be signing up to be checked for compatibility to all patients who need a bone marrow
donor....not just Christine! Remember- It is important that we give hope to all Filipino and minority patients like Christine waiting for a marrow donor.
One last thing, you must to be a US citizen or permanent resident to receive the kit and register as a potential donor.
You can reach Kim at City of Hope by email at: mramos@coh.org Please provide the following in your email:

1. TYPE CHRISTINA PECHARA IN THE SUBJECT FIELD OF THE EMAIL
2. ENTER YOUR NAME, ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBER
3. SPECIFY YOUR ETHNIC BACK GROUND (Kim will waive your fee if you're a minority. If you are not a minority, you will be asked to pay $50 to cover the cost of your tissue typing. Goverment grants make minority testing possible.)
Please join our efforts and help get the word out. Christina and other patients are hoping that you'll help recruit more potential donors.
Sincerely,
Doug
PS. Here's more contact info for Kim, but the email is the
preferred method.
Kim Ramos
NMDP - Specialist
Department of Transfusion Medicine
(626) 359-8111 ext. 63262 Office
(626) 301-8826 Fax
mramos@coh.org

Monday, March 20, 2006 2:37 PM EST

Myself and my fellow Hodgkins forum addicts are now fluent in cancer speak. I wanted to share some of our new language with you. I put the translations in there too for all of you lucky people who dont understand!! Enjoy!

(originally posted by Mary, you ROCK Mary!! Many add-ons by fellow forum members)

Remember when...

a PUSH was something a grownup gave you when you were on the swings (saline PUSH through yourport or picc line)

A DRIP was a guy we'd refer to today as a geek (IV drip)

BLEO was a sound of disgust you'd make in response to the question "How does liver sound for dinner?" (one of the chemo drugs)

ADRIA was Rocky Balboa's girlfriend (another chemo drug)

CHEMO was always followed by "sabe" and it was Tonto's term of endearment for the Lone Ranger (speaks for itself)

A PET was something friendly and furry who generally acted happy to see you when you got home (a type of body scan)

A CAT was the sub-type of PET who WAS happy, but would never let you know (another type of scan)

An IV was simply Roman for the number four (IV)

STAGING was what the drama club planned for the Spring play (how it is determined what cancer stage you have)

A PORT is where ships are docked (a device attached to a tube that is in your vein to administer chemo)

PICC something you do to fruits and veggies (another such device to administer chemo)

SALINE something you clean your contacts with (what is pushed through your port or picc)

FLUSH something you do to the toilet (the act of pushing)

ICE was something you put in your drink to keep it cold (a chemo cocktail)

PIGGY BACK was when you got a ride on someones back (a type of stem cell transplant where they give you two transplants in a row)

RAD was ,like, totally groovy! (radiation)

ONC was the sound of a car horn in Boston (oncologist)

CANCER was the Zodiac sign for people born June 22--July 21

SHINGLES were Decorative roof covering (if you dont know what that is, be glad!)

DRUGS: "medicine" you took to get high and have good time

AB was the start of the alphabet (Two chemo drugs)

VD something I definately never should have had in an IV (two other chemo drugs)

A BVD was One pair of underwear (another chemo cocktail)

SCAN what you did to the computer to find a virus

CYCLES were something only women had to deal with (the amount of chemo sessions you will get)

MOPP was Something we cleaned the kitchen floor with (another chemo cocktail)

MUGA - a thief (another type of scan)

...Remember when "positive" was good--and "negative" was bad??

PS. The Billy Joel concert was awesome!!! He really rocked the house!! My sister did finally come down and she and Eamon went to see Hothouse Flowers - a very awesome band from Ireland! An awesome time was had by all. Tonight, Eamon, Eddie, Alanna and I are going to see The Allman Brothers. Cant wait!!

Hope all is well with everyone.

Wednesday, March 1, 2006 8:59 AM EST

***UPDATE*** March 9th at 11:35 AM

**My scans were crystal clear. As of Friday March 10th, I will be in remission for ONE YEAR. I get to celebrate a new kind of birthday!!! Woohoo! I expect cakes and candies and flowers from everyone!! Hehe, just kidding, or not! :) ***

Hello everyone!!! Hello to my blog which I have had absolutely NO time to update. Who would have thought that working full time and going to school full time would have been soooooo....what's the word? EXHAUSTING! it is ridiculous how tired I am. Remember when I couldnt sleep at all? Not a problem anymore! I actually came down with exhaustion like people come down with a cold. Sick! I was so tired over this past weekend that I hardly left the couch. I even skipped the gym a couple of times because I cant keep up with the class. I sit here and wonder, What the hell is wrong with me? I am young, no reason for exhaustion....I seem to forget that it hasnt even been a year since my last chemo! Give myself a break right?

Well anyway, school has been interesting to say the least. I have decided to switch schools again. Another pain in the hole it is going to be but in my never-ending searches on the internet, I found a college in NYC that has EXACTLY the degree I want. I want to work in a lab, researching things and mixing things together like a mad scientist. Well I found this college, its called Hunter College, which has a degree called Medical Laboratory Sciences. Your degree is based on labs. Awesome! What's even better is that this college is under the same umbrealla "ownership" as the college I am at now so transferring is very simple and the tuition is the same, very low! I cant wait to get further into my degree. I am so excited!

Thanks to my dear friend Lindsey, I have taken 4 classes this semester (she made me!) and I know now that I will NEVER do that again as long as I work full time! She is crazy as many of you know so we can forgive her for leading me into insanity with her. This is me Although two of my classes are pretty easy, it is still very difficult to have to do homework and study for four classes when you also have to work full time and go to the gym. Eamon and I see each other for like an hour or two each day during the week. One thing that is good about it, Eamon has really been honing in on his culinary skills. Every night I get home from school he has whipped some new and exciting dish that he watched on the Cooking Network. Cool for me since I dont have to cook it, just enjoy it! He is really good too! Maybe he has found his calling.... ;)

So for you people out there who love to read, please get Stephen King's new book, Cell, it is soooo awesome! The craziness happens right away. Very very great so far. Of course, I am a Stephen King lover.

This weekend, Lindsey and I are going to see Billy Joel. I really cant wait. We have loved him forever! I can remember being in elementary school, like 7 or 8 years old and getting in trouble on the playground because I played "Uptown Girl" over and over on my little tape player. I would run around the playground singing it at the top of my lungs. LOL. Those were the days! Anyway, so we are going to see him. It is my birthday present to her....Her birthday was in January. It is going to be so fun. Then afterwards, we are meeting Eamon and a couple of others out to celebrate Nuala's birthday. I shall do my best to stay out of trouble but it is going to be hard since all the girls are toublemakers excluding me...hehehe! I am trying to convince my sister to come down and go out with us as well. Would make a great night even better! C'mon Tracy! Get your fly ass booty down here!

Health news....my weight loss seems to have stalled. I'm not quite sure what it is. I am still doing Weight Watchers but I have stopped writing everything down...probably defeats the whole point of WW. I do know that I am still having trouble with portion control. When I go to the deli for lunch, I pile the food on my plate and I really need to stop doing that. A couple of weeks ago I was really good as Eamon made extra food each night and I took the leftovers to work. That week, I lost 3 pounds. Eamon says he is going to do that for me again. It is definitely better that way. I love WW but I really cant stand to write down everything I eat day after day....it gets soooo boring and tedious. Another problem I am having is that I am almost sick to death of eating egg whites for breakfast!!! Isnt there any other healthy breakfast foods? I am not a big fruit eater as I dont like sweet stuff all that much so that wont really work for me. PLEASE let me know any suggestions you might have!!! I guess I could have regular daytime foods like chicken or something -- it just seems weird to eat that for breakfast and where the heck and I going to find chicken at 8am in NYC? I bet if I looked hard enough, I could find it!

My 9 month post-chemo scans are Tuesday the 7th. I would be lying if I said I wasnt worried. The only symptom I ever had of cancer - besides the giant lump in my neck - was itching,not your normal run of the mill itch but itching like you need to tear your skin off to make it go away. The past couple of days, my shins (that is where it was before) have been itching like mad. I am thinking it just my nerves but you can never be too sure, you know. Anyway, if my scans come out clean then March 10th will be ONE YEAR IN REMISSION! I want to celebrate this weekend but I feel like it would be bad to do that...I am usually not superstituous but.....

Last weekend I went to the eye doctor for a check-up. One of the side affects of the drugs I had was blurry vision. Sometimes it would last for days....I couldnt even drive because I could hardly see anything clear. So I figured it was time for a check up...Anyway, while the doctor was looking into my eyes, he asked me if my itched at all. I said yes because they have been itching really bad on and off for over a month now but I told him I assumed it was just my allergies. Well, apparently I have an eye infection. Yay! So I have to put drops into my eyes three times a day now for a week or so. I have to throw away all my mascara and any other eye make up. (I dont really wear much besides mascara so its not that big of a deal). Well, at least the itching will finally cease. As for my vision, I have to get glasses - the ones you wear all the time, not just for reading. I picked out these really funky cool ones. They are purplush maroon. Really cool. I wanted these pink ones because pink is my favorite color but Eamon put the kabosh on that. Guess he didnt want me to look like this...

Can you believe it is March already? Man time really does fly by sometimes. It feels like Christmas was last week! In just over two months, Eamon and I will be heading to Ireland to 3 weeks!!! I so cannot wait! What is even more fun is that the week before we go, Eamon's brother Keiran is coming over with his girlfriend Celine and they are staying with us. So its going to be like a whole month of vacation! You know what is scary though, that week that Keiran and Celine are over is also my last week of school and my finals week. Going to be nuts!!! It will make me enjoy Ireland that much more!

Be well everyone and I will let you know how my scans go as soon as I know!

Friday, January 27, 2006 10:25 AM EDST

Hi everyone -

My first day of school was great with some complications, of course! At my school, they will give you a book voucher if your loans or grants have money left over after tuition is paid. So I had plenty of money left over. They dont physically give you the voucher but they send the info to the bookstore. Well, after standing on line for half an hour, they didnt have my voucher on file. Yay! So I then had to go to the Financial Aid office 6 blocks up which had a line like 20 people long. That was fun! They physically gave me a voucher (WHY couldnt they just give it to me in the first place???). So I eventually got my books - woohoo! I went to my classes which were great and very interesting. My teacher for my basic math class is hilarious. He is one of those old school hippie type teachers with the patch on the elbows of his suit jacket. He was really great, really interesting and funny. My Calc teacher was really nice too. She tried to make some cheesy jokes and we all laughed but she is very cool and seems easy. Let's hope she stays that way.... Image hosting by Photobucket

A girl named Allyson that posts on the Hodgkins board I go on had her one year diagnosis anniversary yesterday. I kind of just let my day pass me by without thinking about it too much. Anyway - Allyson wrote this beautiful thing on her blog and she posted it on the message board. I found it very touching and very relating so I wanted to post it here..... this is her blog if you are interested...http://januarytwentyfifth.blogspot.com/

This is what she wrote:

One year ago today I was in bed, recovering from surgery where I had the tumor removed from my neck for biopsy. One year ago today I got the phone call from Dr. Barnes, telling me that I did, indeed, have cancer. One year ago today I walked into the home office, sat down on the couch next to John and cried.

I cried, then dried my tears and said "..... This blows." Then I paused and said "I'm going to kick cancer's @ss." I was never so determined to do something in my entire life.

One year ago today I called my parents and my boss to give them the news.

One year ago today I had long blond hair, and the prospect of all that hair falling out was the worst thing I could think of. The prospect of having a semi permanent catheter installed in my chest made me want to cry. The prospect of being sick made me furious, and the prospect of letting cancer get in my way was unacceptable.

And today I am cancer free. Today I am working hard. Today I will go to the gym at lunch and work out, which is a gift that at times, seemed impossible. Today I will run. Today I have short brown hair, and today I know that losing your hair is not the worst thing that can happen. Today I know what a pleasure it is to wake up early and be able to do things for myself. Today I know that being healthy is the most wonderful thing I can think of. Today I am thankful for John and his patience. Today I know that there really is nothing that would pull us apart. Today my lungs are clear and I can breathe. Today I am not in pain.

Today is the greatest day ever.

I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for stopping by! And please sign my guestbook!

Hugs!

Thursday, January 19, 2006 11:06 AM EST

School girls, School girls, going to school. Reading, writing and arithmetic.....

Oh memories!!! When we were growing up, my sister and I, we would walk to the bustop and the ederly man - John - who lived on our street would come outside and sing that to us: "School girls, School girls, going to school. Reading, writing and arithmetic". He was so cute. I remember for Halloween, he would give out these little paper bags of pennies. He really was a sweet old man.

So I am all registered for school. I still cant believe it has been a year since I have been to school. I am nervous going back especially since I have completely changed my degree and my college. I am taking 4 classes - Intro to Sculpture (Cause I am required to take an Art class so that sounded fun!!), Pre-Calculus, General Math (another requirement, boo hiss) and this class that is called "Through the Glass Darkly". John Jay College has this program that is called Thematic Interdisciplinary studies where the classes are writing intesive - no finals, woohoo! - and are taught by 2-4 professors from different disciplines. You can choose one discipline to for the credits to go towards so I chose Literature because I dont want to take any boring LIT class.... Through the Glass Darkly is a study of the ways in which memories of people, places and events raise issues about reality....I thought it sounded real interesting so I am going for it. School starts next week and I will go Monday - Thursday. I really cant wait. I am so excited!!!

Things are great otherwise. Eamon is doing great! We will celebrate 3 years together next week. 3 years went by sooo fast! I am so glad that he is in my life and has stuck by me through this craziness and through all my insanities!! What a great man!! I am truly lucky to have him walk through this life with me.

So, I had my 6 months follow up appointment with my oncologist last month. Nothing major to declare. I am still having alot of trouble sleeping. I am not sure why the insomia wont leave me but hopefully it will soon. I have to take Ambien to stay asleep though the night or I am tossing and turning and having bad, wierd, crazy dreams all night. I forgot to take one last night and I am so tired now, my body is dragging. I did not have scans this time around. I will have scans in March and if I am still in remission then - it will be one year of remission. Maybe we can make March 10th my re-birth day.

Who knows though - sometimes I am 100 percent convinced that it is back. Everyone always says you will be fine, you will be fine but people do relapse and who or what is to say that I wont be that one who does? Am I any less or more deserving than any of the 20 percent of Hodgkins survivors who will relapse? It is something that plagues my mind pretty much everyday. There is a Hodgkins message board that I go on everyday and we talk about alot of things. One of those things is post-traumatic stress disorder. I definitely have some of that. I like to be in denial and tell myself that I am okay, I am strong and independent and nothing affects me and I just get hit and keep on going but then I will have some days where the littlest thing will make me go into hysterics and cry. Sometimes my anxiety level is so high that my body begins to hurt from how tense I am. I was going to join a support group for Young Adults with Cancer but unfortunately it didnt work out with my school schedule. The people who run the group will do one-on-one sessions for free so I will probably follow-up with that and see how it goes. I know that when I am in deep discussion with my fellow Hodgkins board members that I tend to feel alot better about the situation and all the drama that I went through. I am glad however, that these feelings arent an everyday occurence - dont get me wrong, I think about cancer every single day but thankfully, I am not depressed about it every day. I have most days where I feel blessed and truly happy.

On a more positive note, I can honestly say that regardless of the emotional roller coaster of feelings, cancer has changed me for the better. Who would have thought that is possible? There are so many celebs who have gone through cancer and say they are better people now - I used to laugh at them and think: 'dont you think it would have been so much better to not have had cancer at all' - but no, its true. I wouldnt trade it for anything. I eat so much better now and I exercise almost every day. I have lost 17 pounds since starting Weight Watchers in October and physically and even somewhat emotionally, I feel better than Before Cancer. Cancer has made me stronger and calmer about alot of things in life - my health and eating being two major things. I had always been of the mindset that I would be a fat girl for life, that I would never gain control of my eating habits and that I needed to just accept who I was - An overweight person who couldnt say no to food. If I had to get cancer in order to change my view on that then although it is a hard lesson learned, in my view its one that is well worth it. After all, if you dont have your health, what do you have?

I hope everyone is well and in great health! Thanks for continuing to read my journal and please sign my guestbook so I know that you still stop by once in awhile. I will try to update it more frequently.

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Thats me, a big nerdy geek!!! School girls, School girls, going to school!!!

Tuesday, January 3, 2006 3:53 PM EST

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Monday, December 12, 2005 3:16 PM EDST

Before you read the following I would just like to say thank you to the people who do say things to cheer up Hodgkins patients and all cancer patients in general. The poem you are about to read I wrote because so many people have said to me, my doctor included, that I had the good cancer. Now, I dont know about you, but NO cancer is good. The reason they say it is because it is so curable and treatable. Here is a fact though everyone - just because it is so curable and treatable doesnt make it SUCK any less. In fact, ABVD - the chemo cocktail I had, is one of the most toxic chemos around with harsh side affects and terrible long term side affects. I am thankful that I got a cancer that was so curable but I would rather have NO cancer than the "good" one. So anyway - some person who I am sure meant well, said to me today - "well I had NO idea you even had cancer, you looked so good. Oh you had Hodgkins, well that's the good cancer, that explains it". I really wanted to smack her but instead, I wrote this:

The Good Cancer
You have the good cancer, Or so I am told
Bring on the chemo, You have me, I�m sold
But why all the nausea, And damn my bones ache
I think I am having, The worst hangover to date
I gained blurry vision, But have lost all my taste
Whatever I put in my mouth, Tastes exactly like paste
I can�t smell the soap, Or out comes what I had last
Didn�t really want you to know, What I had for breakfast
Evacuations are unlikely, Without the aid of a pill
Don�t even bother trying, Your body will thank you, it will
And what�s that in my neck, A blood clot you say
Well bring on more shots, And a fun hospital stay
Needles and Pins, At the tips of my fingers
I use a knife a lot, So I hope it don�t linger
While most people have, A port in their chest
Mine failed me twice, Stubbornness at its best
Now I have this thing, That they call a PICC line
It sticks out my arm, And hurts all the time
Infections come easy, And it hardly seems fair
That I�m forced to take showers, With my arm in the air
To prevent feeling too bad, Steroids are common
But how many more times, Will I see 3 in the morning
Sleep has become, As distant a memory
As the hair I once had, That used to be lovely
The drugs are real toxic, Long term side affects are real
Other cancers can happen, Health concerns are a big deal
Don�t forget all the crying, You�ll do late at night
When sleep won�t come easy, You want to give up the fight
You have the good cancer, Are you out of your mind
Maybe you want some
It�s just the good kind

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Friday, December 2, 2005 8:29 AM EDST

I copied this message from a very brave person who is presently undergoing a stem cell transplant....Here is his site if you would like to visit:

http://journalofaprizefighter.blogspot.com/

become a hero: save a life

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November is designated as National Marrow Awareness Month by The National Marrow Donor Program (NMDP), a nonprofit organization that operates the National Bone Marrow Donor Registry under contract from the federal government through the Health Resources and Services Administration. (Too bad I learned about National Marrow Awareness Month only two days ago.) Since its founding in 1986 up until 2001, the NMDP had facilitated more than 13,000 unrelated marrow and blood stem cell transplants for patients with life-threatening illnesses, such as lymphoma (like Hodgkin�s Disease which I had), leukemia, Sickle Cell Anemia, and other genetic and metabolic disorders.

Unfortunately, the work of the NMDP continues. According to the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, every 18 seconds someone in the US is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness that requires a bone marrow or stem cell transplant. Finding a donor match is not easy and the process can become a prolonged and indescribable challenge to the patient and his or her family. �"I don't think people realize how important it is (to be a potential donor) until they're in that situation," said Jillian Wren-Phillips, whose 23-month-old son William "Little Will" Phillips III is battling acute myelogenous leukemia." It gets pushed to the back burner. They don't understand how big a need there is."� (5/9/05 The Detroit News) Although the search for a perfect donor can be difficult for any patient in need of a transplant, it is scary particularly for those of minority communities, such as African Americans, Latino Americans, Asian Americans, Indian Americans, and Native Americans:

Each year, an estimated 30,000 Americans are diagnosed with a wide range of life-threatening diseases for which a marrow or blood stem cell transplant can be the best hope for a cure. Nearly 70 percent of these patients will not find a suitable donor in their family and will turn to the NMDP for a volunteer to donate healthy stem cells for their lifesaving transplants. Although more African Americans, Asians/Pacific Islanders, Hispanics and American Indians/Alaska Natives are finding donors for their transplants, they are still less likely than Caucasians to identify a matched donor. More donors of diverse race and ethnicity are needed, so that all patients will have an equal chance at finding a matched donor (The Marrow Foundation).

No one knows if and when they or someone they know or love will become the needed recipient of a bone marrow or stem cell transplant. Fortunately, improvements in transplants offer the potential for thousands of individuals with malignant disorders to fight and reclaim their own lives from the life-threatening illnesses they face. Many times, however, these patients� hopes remain just that because there simply aren�t enough registered donors out there. Therefore, the search for a donor match is more difficult than it should be. �"Every individual should be in the registry," said Vyas, 40. "It doesn't matter if you're Asian Indian, African-American, Caucasian. If you match, you can save someone's life."� (5/9/05 The Detroit News)

The donation of cord blood is another awesome resource, which has had tremendous success in treating patients of lymphoma, leukemia, and other illnesses. Thousands of patients who might benefit from transplants die every year waiting for a bone marrow match unaware of the cord blood option, and possibly unable to access it. Experts say it offers a more effective form of therapy than stem cells derived from bone marrow:

Cord blood also offers an extraordinary amount of hope for African Americans, who have the lowest success rate of finding non related bone marrow donors. The ethnic diversity of the bone marrow registry is quite low, although African American�s make up 12f the population, they only account for 6f the bone marrow registry. Many African Americans also have both European and African ancestry with puts them at a disadvantage because a person with both tissue types has much more difficulty finding a match. Because of the diversity of tissue types, African Americans would require three times the number of donors as a Caucasian to have the same chance of finding a match. Cord blood is a particularly good choice for this community because it doesn�t require a perfect match. (Senator Charles Schumer, US Senate Press Release)

In learning about my diagnosis with Hodgkin�s Disease, many of you have asked about ways that they can help. If I can, however, ask of one thing from you that would be for all of you to think about the pressing issue that I have raised here and the dire need of thousands of others in search of a donor match, who have illnesses. Hopefully you�ll consider donating your own bone marrow, stem cells, or the cord blood from your baby�s umbilical cord and in the process tell others about this great need. If you choose to not donate perhaps you will at least begin to give blood regularly at your local blood bank. Whole blood is another life saving resource, which is also in great need.

In sum, I think Amy Burger of the Marrow Program said it best: �"What you're asking someone to do is almost miraculous; it has no inherent benefit to the donor. But they can give someone the gift of life."�

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

To find out how you can join the registry of the National Marrow Donor Program (NMDP) to donate bone marrow or stem cells, please click:
www.marrow.org

To find out how you can donate cord blood, please click: http://www.marrow.org/HELP/donate_cord_blood.html
www.nationalcordbloodprogram.org

To find out how you can donate whole blood in NYC, please click: www.nybloodcenter.org

To read further about the great need for bone marrow, stem cell and cord blood donors, please click on the following articles:

�National Marrow Awareness Month: Celebrating Everyday Heroes,� The Marrow Foundation
http://www.themarrowfoundation.org/EVENTS/2002/awareness_month.html

"The Life-saving Gift of Bone Marrow," Duke Med News
http://www.dukemednews.org/news/article.php?id=7216

"Tens of Thousands Die Each Year Waiting for Bone Marrow Donor; Schumer Announces New Federal Umbilical Cord Blood Program, Will Save Lives of NY�ers," United States Senate Press Release
http://schumer.senate.gov/SchumerWebsite/pressroom/press_releases/2005/PR41663.Cord Blood.050805.html

"Shortage of Minority Bone Marrow Donors Proves Obstacle," National Institute of Health
http://www.nih.gov/news/NIH-Record/10_07_97/story01.htm

"Lack of Bone Marrow Donors Hurts Minorities," The Detroit News
http://www.stemcellnews.com/articles/stem-cells-bone-marrow-minorities.htm

"A Bone Marrow Crisis," The Brooklyn Rail
http://www.thebrooklynrail.org/local/feb04/bonemarrow.html

�African-Americans Less Likely to Find Bone Marrow Donors,� NMDP
http://www.marrow.org/NEWS/ARTICLES/skin_deep01242002.html

"Black Patients Need Donors," NMDP
http://www.marrow.org/NMDP/black_african_american_patients.html

"Matter of life rouses Latinos to give hope," The Arizona Republic
http://www.azcentral.com/health/news/articles/1003latinomarrow03.html

"Making a Perfect Match," Science & Technology News
http://www.stnews.org/rlr-1870.htm

"National Marrow Donor Program Needs More Native American Donors," MinorityNurse.com
http://www.minoritynurse.com/vitalsigns/may05-2.html

I hope all of you will consider these words seriously. You could save someones life. Wouldnt that be worth so much???

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Wednesday, November 16, 2005 2:33 PM EST

Hi everyone!! Hope you all are doing well. Things are going great here. Eamon and I found a new place to live and it is soooooo much nicer than the other place ($150 cheaper too!!) It is really gorgeous and Eamon is happy because its closer to civilization. He is truly a city person. But anyway, we got a huge two bedroom with a huge living room, a dining room and a decent sized kitchen. The landlord put in a new cooker and get this, it cleans itself. Cool shit, right? Especially since I hate to clean ovens!!! Another great thing is the guy who lived in the apartment before us must have left in a great big hurry because he left all his furniture behind. We gave the couches to our friend Stevie and we inheireted an nice entertainment center, a big TV (that died two days later, sad) a gorgeous dining room table and chairs, a new microwave, a couple of cute little lamps and a night table. He left his bed and dresser as well but he wasnt the cleanest of persons so we got rid of it, yuck! Anyway, the apartment is lovely - the kitchen walls are all brick and one wall in the living room is all cement and rocks and one wall of the dining room is all mirrors. Its really nice and really BIG!

So, other news. My new job is really going great. I am really happy and really looking forward to starting school in January. As much as I complain about having to write papers and all the nonsense that comes with college, I still miss it and like it alot. I am still waiting to hear from the college I applied to on whether they are going to accept me or not. I applied kind of late so I may just have to wait another semester, boo hiss, but if its meant to happen that way then so be it. I really cant wait to start though, my quest for more knowledge is getting to me. I have already started to memorize the periodic table. Not as easy as I thought it was going to be.

Health news - things are going good. I have been going to the gym almost everyday at lunch. My boss is really cool with it. He is all for being healthy so I take 90 minutes - 45 minutes for the class and the rest to shower and all that jazz. I find the classes to be really fun. I take a weight lifting class called Boot Camp - whew does that kick my ass. The next day I am dying!!! That class is on Wednesday's. Then on Monday's and Thursday's, I take a Step Aerobic Class. It is really fun. I love to dance and move around and the routine is great. Then on Friday's, I take another weight lifing class. On Tuesday's, I got to Weight Watchers. I have been doing this routine now for 5 weeks and have lost a total of 9.2 pounds. Awesome news!! Its makes me so happy. Weight Watchers is sooo much easier than I thought it was going to be. And Eamon is really great about it too. He read all the books and info on it and checks my points books to see how many points things are as he is cooking them. One thing that has been concerning me is that so many people say that when they start to eat better and exercise more that they have so much more energy - well I have seem to have so much less. Almost every night I am sitting watching TV or reading and between 7:30 - 8:30, I am dead tired. I mean absolutely exhausted, I can hardly keep my eyes open. Actually, most of the time, I dont. Then I am wide awake at 4am. I am trying to break this cycle but it is vicious and never-ending. I have to go see my oncologist next month so I will ask him to test my thyroid and anything else he think might be the matter. I may also be pushing myself too hard - who knows. I mean, I did just finish chemo 6 months ago (wow!!) so maybe I am just not ready for all this. Well too bad, I am not stopping!!! I am going to be a skinny minny soon. I am too much in love with the feeling of putting on my clothes and having them feel less snug than normal. That feeling makes it all worth it!!

My birthday celebration was interesting to say the least. In my last post, I said that I was considering staying 26 since it was such a bad year I wanted a do over (or a skip to 28). Well, I guess just thinking I want to stay 26 was bad. Eamon and I bought tickets to go see Cream at MSG for the day of my birthday. Well you had to be an American Express cardholder to buy the ticekts on the pre-sale so my friend at work got the tickets for me. Well, UPS delivered the ticekts to the wrong house. I called ticketmaster to ask them what could be done and they said that if I did not find the tickets then I would have to report them stolen and the cardholder who purchased them would have to pick up the tickets at the box office the day of the show. So anyway, the neighbor had the tickets as they were delivered to her house so we think we are all good right? WRONG!! We get to the show and when they scan our tickets, they beep different from everyone else (cause we are the troublemakers, he he)and we are sent to the ticket window where we are told that the tickets are stolen and we cant get in. It took me arguing profusely and having my friend call ticketmaster several times just to get us into the show an hour late. So we missed the first half of the show. Whats worse is that I bought 4 tickets and sold two of them on ebay and those people couldnt get in and ended up paying a scalper over $500 for tickets. What a clusterfuck!! I called ticketmaster the next day and they wouldnt give me money back. Bastards!! If they werent such a monolpoly on tickets, I would protest them and never buy from them again, but unfortunately, you dont have much choice! I had to refund the ebay people and Eamon and I only got to see half the show. It was fun though - what we did see. They were really great and I guess I will always remember the day I left my 26th year behind!!

So anyway, I am not now nor was I ever meant to be 26 years old. So goodbye 26 and hello 27!! I will embrace you and please, please just be nicer to me!!!

Be well everyone and have a wonderful Thanksgiving (for those who celebrate) and dont eat too much!! Talk soon!

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Saturday, October 22, 2005 8:33 AM EST

Hi everyone -

Things are going great around here. Well, semi-great anyway!

Great news is my scans came back crystal clear!! I am sure you all expected that. Anyway, no more scans until March which will also be my one year remission date. March 10th. That will be a big celebration. Another significant date is coming up too; November 17th. Ugh. That is the day I was told I had cancer. Yucky yucky day! I am not sure how I should feel on that day. Is it some of celebration or mouring? Should I just act like it is any other day? Who knows. I guess I will play it by ear.

The new apartment is not going so well. When we moved in, we had the promise from the landlord that certain things would be repaired. We took him at his word and moved in. We have now been here for two months and no repairs have been made and it doesnt look like he has any plans on making any repairs. So, we are now looking for another place to live. I am so not looking forward to moving again but we cant stay here. The landlord is an ass!! Oh well, maybe we will find an even better place (hopefully one that doesnt need repairs!)

I got a new job at Avon. I am now working for the VP of Talent Management - meaning the person who makes sure great employees are kept happy and trained so they stay with the company. It really is interesting. I am soooo happy. I am doing lots of powerpoint presentations which I love so things are great at work.

My walk was wonderful. I went down early to help set up and was running around for hours before-hand. By the time the walk started, my feet were killing me. When Eamon and I finally got to the Brooklyn Bridge, I could hardly stand up anymore. So we ended the walk a little early and went home exhausted. It really was great though. There were sooo many people there. They took poloriods of the survivors and sent them to our local congress people to ask for money. I thought that was a great idea. Anyway, the way the walk worked was survivors carried white balloons and supporters carried red ones. A little flashlight thingy was inside the balloon so it lit up (hence, Light the Night!). It really was breathtaking to see all the balloons going over the Brooklyn Bridge. I got kind of choked up on the walk when we past people who were standing on the sidewalks cheering us on. A whole group of cheerleaders from a school came out and had cheer routines going. It was really sweet. People were singing and crying. Definitely an experience to remember and something I will participate in again. Thank you all so mcuh for your donations. I am sure each and every one of those people there who carried a white balloon would love to thank you. You all did a great thing!

I am also going to be 27 years old on Tuesday. I dont like the sound of 27...it is an odd number. It isnt that I dont want to get older, I just dont want to be 27. 28 sounds okay but 27 doesnt. Eamon said maybe I should just stay 26 and then next year be 28. However, my 26th year SUCKED big time. So I guess it is on to 27, blah blah boring. Maybe I can just be 28 for two years...hehe...Happy Birthday to Me, Happy Birthday To Me!! Let's hear it for a healthier, happier year!

PS....There is no Vineyard at Martha's Vineyard. The place sucks! Dont bother going! It is a place where rich people go to waste their money. (although the seafood was yummy!)

Saturday, October 22, 2005 8:33 AM EST

Friday, September 23, 2005 12:08 PM EST

Hello everyone - Just a quick update.

I had my three month scans this past Wednesday the 21st and they were CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN!!! Hooray!!! We can continue to celebrate my remission and eventual cure of Hodgkins. I couldnt have gotten more fabulous news. My doctor said my scans were so crystal clear that we wont be needing another scan for another 6 months. So I get 6 months of freedom. Woohoo!!

Eamon has some friends over from Ireland, Caroline and Stratton. They are really fun. We are going to Cape Cod for the weekend and will be going to Martha's Vineyard and Nantucket to do some shopping. Eamon's birthday is Monday so everyone wish him a Happy Birthday!!!

Anyway, I will post more after we get back and let you know how it goes.

Thursday, September 8, 2005 9:03 AM CDT

Well, we did it!!!! We left the cancer apartment. Eamon and I moved into Maspeth, Queens which is much more rural (for the city anyway). We moved into the first floor of a house. (A HOUSE!!!) 3 bedrooms, backyard (it's big too, not those little teeny tiny ones), and a washer and dryer hook up. So hopefully no more trips to the laudromat, even though our lazy buts never did the laundry anyway, we just dropped it off and let them do it (best way to do it as far as I'm concerned - although a little pricey). The commute to the city is a little longer, not bad though, 20 more minutes. One of these days, I will take some pictures and post them so you can see the new place. We are just so happy to be out of that other place.

So for Labor Day, my parents, sister and her tribe came over and brought a BBQ with them. We cooked up some pork chops and chicken and made some salad. It really was quite nice to be able to sit outside at my own place, even though we got chewed on by the mosquitos. Well, so, we werent really prepared yet for outside living, but I have since picked up some bug guard, from Avon, of course. I let my cats outside too. They were kind of weird about it. First thing they want to do though is run toward the road. It's like they want to get run over. So that scared me. I dont know if you can really train cats but I am going to try because it would be nice for them to be able to relax outside sometimes.

So, I decided to completely switch my degree in college. I have only been doing my core requirements so I havent really had a focus yet. This is going to sound like its coming out of left field but please bear with me. I am going to go with Chemistry. It has always been of some interest to me. My uncle is a Chemist and it has always fascinated me to think of things he has done. Also, I went to Avon's Research and Development center and I was just so inspired. So, I am applying to John Jay College of Criminial Justice because their Chemistry program is supposed to be really great. Since I am already enrolled at Pace, I was going to try and go this semester but since I took last semester off for treatments, I lost my $2000 scholorship. Bad news! They said I could appeal the decision based on medical reasons but it could be several weeks and they want their money right away so I said forget it. I will concentrate this semester on getting into John Jay. I am soooo excited. Next to cooking, nothing has ever excited me so much. I finally feel like I know what I want to do with my life. Its about time!!

Two weekends ago, Eamon and I, my sister Tracy and her husband Chris, and my friend Lindsey and her husband Bobby,went out to celebrate Tracy's 30th birthday. It was really really fun. We went to a transvestite restaurant called Lips. You go there are all the waiters (waitresses?) are tranvestites. You order funny sounding drinks and food (although tis very yummy) and then while you are eating, they come out one by one and lip sink to a popular song from the past. It is really too funny. They do a little dance and they will emabarass you as well. They dance on you and put your head in their "boobs". It was great fun. Then we went to a comedy show which was hilarious. And then we went bar hopping around the village and then back to Queens. It was a really great time. Tracy sent me some pictures and as soon as I get mine back and downloaded, I will post them, they are great. I had them sing Happy Birthday to Tracy and embarass her. Too fun!!!

I will get my three month scans at the end of this month. Can you believe it has been three months already!!! Time flys. Some people said the whole experience will be a distant memory soon but that isnt true, it will be with me forever. There isnt a day that goes by that I dont think of cancer and what I went through. It isnt always bad thought though so worry not!!! So wish me luck on my scans although I am sure they will be fine!!!

So, anyway, that is my update for now. Good changes are happening and I am looking forward to some more, at work and home. Eamon and I are well and happy and things are just looking really great!!

Oh yeah, I am still raising money for my Light the Night Walk so if you can donate please do so by following the link listed below.

Monday, August 15, 2005 9:27 AM EST

THINGS I DIDNT KNOW I WOULD KNOW BEFORE NOVEMBER 17, 2004

1. There is no better man in the world than Eamon McCormick (next to my dad of course)
2. What cancer really is
3. What I look like with no hair
4. Wigs are not comfortable at all
5. Surgery truly hurts
6. How it feels to gain 30 pounds in five months
7. What I look like with short hair
8. Who invented Hydromorphone and how much I want to hug them
9. I clean very well but a cleaning lady does it better
10. Modesty is over-rated
11. Chemotherapy is a true test of your sanity
12. The body is extremely resiliant
13. About 40 different medical abbreviations
14. It really is fun to loose your body hair
15. How to pronouce Adriamycin, Bleomycin, Vinblastine and Dacarbazine and what they do to you
16. Chemotherapy doesnt kill cancer, it kills everything
17. The smell of certain soaps is nauseating
18. My oncologist rules
19. The quickest way to Roosevelt Hospital by driving, taxi, train or bus
20. Some people can go the distance with you, but sadly, some poeple cannot
21. Laughter is a great medicine
22. The price of chemotherapy and prescription drugs is ludicrous
23. Attitude means everything
24. Even though cancer sucks, I wouldnt give up my experiences
25. I like to drink Gin, on the rocks
26. That I would discover what pain truly was
27. Not being able to breathe properly is extremely scary
28. True hero's are not entertainers - they are doctors, nurses, medical researchers and caregivers

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005 1:19 PM EST

Hello all -

Exercising has been going great. I have lost a whole pound! Woohoo! Lol. The doctor said it might be hard to start the losing weight because chemo after affects really screw with your metabolism, but once you get started, you should be good to go. Let's hope that is true because I cannot wait to get all me weight off...

Anyway - everything is going great otherwise. Eamon and I have been looking at some apartments in a different part of Queens. We are really trying to get either a nice big balcony or even better - access to a yard. I am truly a country girl and even though I love the city I really need somewhere that I can sit outside and not breath in the city fumes...Wish us luck. It is hard to find a place for me because so many landlords dont want pets in the house and I have my two evil cats. I cant get rid of them (banish the thought) so we have to be flexible. Some landlords dont care so we are on the lookout for them!

Work has been going great. Right now I am planning our summer party. Then I will begin planning the 25 Year Dinner which is a dinner and party for the people who have been with the company 25 years or more. Believe it or not there are almost 200 of them. I did this party last year and it was alot of fun!!! So I have plenty to keep me busy.

Hope everyone is well and keeping healthy!!

Oh, and if you havent already donated to my walk, please do so by following the link listed below...(if you can of course!)
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Thursday, July 28, 2005 1:38 PM EST

Hello all -

So South Carolina was fun. The family Emma is staying with down there is really nice. They let us take her out to the mall and Eamon bought her a bunch of clothes. Then we went out to lunch. Later on that evening, we went to a BBQ with all the other Irish children that were over from Belfast staying with families. Since the food there was not so appetizing looking, none of ate so later on we went out for pizza. Then on Sunday morning, we went out to breakfast and then we had to catch a flight home. It was really nice though. Had a good time and SC is a nice place.

I posted a new pic above so you could see how short my hair (or how it has grown if your an optimist)

I am huge pig cow from the but that is about to change. I joined a gym (even though my past gym memberships always were a waste) and yesterday I worked out with a trainer. I am going to work out with him twice a week. Once a week, I will work out by myself and the other two days, I will just do cardio. I can hardly move today, my muscles hurt soooo bad so I think that is a good sign of things to come. My resolve is strong so I should be back to a nice slimmer me in no time at all. The only problem with all the working out is exhaustion. I still dont have all my stamina back and by the time I get home from the gym, I just cant wait to go to sleep.

Good news about the gym is they have a nice pool and I can bring guests so Eamon and I can go swimming on the weekend. That will alot fo fun and a great workout!!

Hope everyone is well!

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Thursday, July 28, 2005 1:38 PM EST

Thursday, July 14, 2005 8:49 AM CDT

Since so many people seem to still be visiting my site, I thought it would be nice if I gave you something new to read about.

Good news #1: My first post chemo scans were clear!! YAY! That means I wont have to go back tot he doctor for more blood work and scans until September.

Good news #2: I have been given the okay by doctor to stop taking my blood thinners as of yesterday. YAY!! Now I can finally go to the dentist!

Having said that, my blood clot has NOT left the building. It still remains where it is howver, my doc says it is stable. He says what happened, and this is really cool, is that my body built small blood vessels around the clot so my blood can flow freely through that vein. Fascinating how resiliant the body can be. He says my clot will probably never go away but since it not in a major vein or artery, it is okay. So, we are now on Day 1 with no blood thinner. I am a little nervous about it, but I am sure it will be okay. Also, if something does start to go wrong with it, I am sure my body will let me know with the severe pain it gave me when the clot first appeared.

So I am trying to go back to a normal life here. People at work say I am very different but in a good way. I hope they are being honest. I dont really know if I am different. I guess I probably am.

I am now trying to lose all the weight I gained while on the steriods. During chemo, I also ate anything I wanted since I felt I had the ultimate excuse to pig out whenever it was deemed necessary by my psyche. It is not easy to go back to eating normal again once you have shown your body all the pleasures of fried food and the endless amounts of it all. But alas, I have started a vigorous exercise routine that seems to kick my butt and hopefully it will work. I have thought about joining a gym but everytime I have done that in the past, it just proved to be a waste of money. Apparently, you can exercise just as well in your home. Eamon and I have also taken to going bike riding after work. It is fun however, the city streets are a little scary and tricky to navigate. We usually ride to the park in Astoria and they have a running track and a bike track so that works. I know we can keep it up, we just have to stay on course.

Next weekend, Eamon and I are going to South Carolina to see his neice who he hasnt seen in 5 years. She is staying there with a family, kind of like an exchange program for the summer. Must be fun for her too. Wish I got to do something like that when I was younger. Go to another country for a month. How fun!

Wednesday, July 6, 2005 2:20 PM CDT

I read this and thought it was great....Had to share.

The Whiner's Guide To Chemotherapy
By Judy Hines
Cheater's Epilogue

This is the epilogue for those of you who flip to the end of the book. I did make it! I'm 62!!! The exclamation points are because I didn't think I would see 50. God is so awesome! God would be awesome even if I had not seen 50, but it is amazing how He has made my cancers turn out for good--both mine and His. It feels great to feel great! Thank You, God!

Quality Whining--
To Whom, When, and Where

Let's face it, people, these next few months will never win your "My Favorite Period of my Life" Award. The best you can hope for is to get through it with ...hmm...perhaps just to get through it will suffice. A modicum of humor can be achieved through whining. We are not talking run of the mill griping here. We are talking Quality Whining. A few ground rules:

1. Pacifiers look peculiar in an adult mouth but considering what they do for babies, you might want to hide in your closet and go for it.

2. Some of your finest whining can be done with others who are undergoing these Gestapo devised treatments. In fact you can hear six part harmony in an oncologist's office particularly if there is a delicatessen downstairs.

3. Try not to whine to your husband during the Super Bowl, NBA Finals, or the World Series. Otherwise consider him fair game. He did say "for better or worse," didn't he? If your wife is the whinee, the same applies to Oprah, a Good Book, and possibly the Super Bowl, the NBA Finals and the World Series. We live in a changing world.

4. Do your whining in small increments. The tolerance level for whining, even among those most sympathetic, will never approach your maximum ability to whine. I'd put it at about the same as your tolerance level when listening to a six-year old detail the plot of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie. So move right along when whining to friends.

5. Alone is good. You don't have to worry about looks, noise, content, or time.

6. The best whining is done to God. Not only can He help, He loves you best. And, let's face it, He has--you should pardon the expression--all the time in the world.

Hair Today and Gone Tomorrow

You may think you are ready for this but, trust me, you are not. All really is vanity! If you still have hair, put down this book and dash out and get a wig while you have something to match. Ground rules here:

1. If you're going the denial route, try not to look in the mirror till your wig is on. Even askew, it helps keep denial a viable option.

2. If you're going the fantasy route, the girl in Star Trek is a good role model, You can combine fantasy and denial here by forgetting your face and weight.

3. If you're going the realistic route, the basin is a good place to cry--saves Kleenex.

4. A multi-colored wig is good for some laughs.

5. Do not--repeat not--expect your wig to stay comfortable all day, but try not to actually throw it at the family when you have had it.

6. God really does look on the inside and it's quite possible you look more beautiful to Him than you ever have before

Bones Versus Bulge

Do you think you will get intriguingly skeletal on your chemotherapy? Don't count on it. It's a possibility, of course, perhaps even a probability, but some of us gained thirty or more pounds on the stuff. Ground rules here:

1. If it looks like your body is going the bulge route, try to think positively. When else can you do guilt free eating regardless of what your scale reads?

2. If it looks like your body is going the bones route, try to think positively. Seldom are we blessed to have whipping cream and the like thrust upon us by the gallon.

3. If you can afford it, an escalating (or de-escalating) wardrobe is nice. Gobs of fat and bags of bones both look better in clothes that fit.

4. Try not to physically harm persons who rush up to you and say, "You're gaining (losing) weight!" Saying, "No duh!" is acceptable though they won't understand you if they have no teenage children. Spitting in faces is unacceptable no matter how ill you are.

5. As with the hair, God does look on the inside and values every bone (bulge) in (on) your body.

Flashes in the Night (and Day)

Ah yes, the chemical change. Menopause is the pits at any age and it hardly seems fair to add it to cancer. But we are not talking fair here, we're talking cope. Ground rules here:

1. Most people do not know you are having a hot flash just by looking--particularly if you keep your clothes on.

2. These intense flashes do not last very long, but make up your mind that you'll probably be very warm most of the time. Moving to the Arctic is an option most of us choose not to take.

3. Turning on the air-conditioning in January has a tendency to distress the family.
4. Remind yourself you are energy efficient as you save on heat all winter--provided you don't turn on the air-conditioning.
5. You barely notice the intense heat of summer as it's been with you all winter.

6. God can assist you here by helping you control the urge to strip in public as well as calm you until it passes

Ad Nauseum

This is a sickening subject to deal with--forgive me, I couldn't resist the pun. Ground rules here:

1. Bodies invariably object to large doses of poison, so try not to blame your body for screaming, "REJECT!"
2. As long as your head is not in the pot, this is a good day.

3. When your head is in the pot, be glad you have indoor plumbing.

4. Do not buy 40 cases of your current "nausea abater" (sunflower seeds, cheezits, plain crackers, etc.) as these things have a tendency to turn on you.

5. A serious hint: Plain lettuce and Extra peppermint gum stayed effective for me the whole time.

6. Association becomes important here. Try not to throw up on your oncologist if you see him socially.

7. Wearing a gas mask in restaurants is a possibility if you don't mind the stares, as smells seem more lethal than actual food.

8. If it's going to come up anyway, you might as well eat something you enjoy going down.

9. God has said "suffering in the body" helps us get our priorities right, so hang on to that even when you can't hang on to your supper.

Pity Parties for Pain--
Catered and Uncatered

Pain is often an integral part of these treatments--as in joint, heart, mouth--you name it, it can hurt! But the Quality Whiner does not despair. The Quality Whiner can cope. Ground rules here:

1. Reading multiple books on the side effects of drugs is a mixed bag depending on whether you are a placebo reactor.

2. If you are a placebo reactor, you will doubtless suffer side effects of all kinds.

3. If you don't read the side effects, you can blame everything on chemotherapy. My husband had to remind me that I was quite often tired B.C. (Before Chemotherapy).

4. No matter how bad your chest pains are, don't expect to get to skip a treatment. Chances are your only respite will come from a low white blood count.

5. Limping is permissible when joint pain is significant. Corollary: Joint pain is likely to be significant. Tylenol is a boon here.

6. "Blisters in your mouth mean the chemotherapy is doing its job." It is understandable but inadvisable to want to deck your doctor for making this remark. Remember, his are the hands that wield the needle.

7. Get together with other chemotherapy patients and tell sick jokes. Laughter makes your endorphins work.

8. Learning experiences are generally the pits, but God will help you learn from this if you'll let Him.

DeepDown, Way, Way Down

It is important to recognize that depression my be a factor in how you feel-especially toward the end of your treatments when you think you can't stand to have a single treatment more. There's the natural depression that comes from being scared to death of our own mortality. And some of these fun little drugs cause depression in addition to their other duties. Oh great! Ground rules here:

1. Depression is not a "social disease"--it's perfectly okay and, indeed, a good idea to say "Whoa! Am I on a downer today!" The Help! Help! Approach.

2. Stay busy--if your fatigue (see next chapter) will let you. The I Don't Have Time to Give In Approach.
Read funny books--make that, read amusing books, as opposed to Batman. The Laughing Through My Tears Approach.

3. If you can bear to hear those cliches--a silver lining, darkest before the dawn, etc.--remember they became cliches because they are true. The I Know! I Know! Approach.

4. Lie down, assume the prenatal position and suck your thumb. The I Give In Approach.

5. Walk as far as your fatigue will let you. It really does help. The I Think I Can Approach.

Fatigue

I have great respect for my oncologist who did not fall off his stool laughing when I asked if I could continue my daily four-mile walk. He did suggest that I might take a nap afterward or cut it down some. But I found it hard to nap before, during, and after which is what I felt like! Ground rules:

1. Congratulate yourself that you are finding new word meanings--tired, exhausted, weary, etc.

2. Find new ways to express the above feelings. At least your mind is exercising.

3. When you feel that solid wall of fatigue coming, try to find a place to lie down that won't stain your clothes. Rule out the kitchen floor if you have preschoolers.

4. Those relaxation techniques work pretty well when your body is wiped out and mind is still jumping. Hurrying through your relaxation techniques minimizes the effects.

5. When you are too wiped out to pray, it is wonderful to know God's Holy Spirit is taking over and praying for you.

Water, Water Everywhere

Consider yourself a walking violation of the Environmental Protection Agency. If your body were the United States, they'd be on you like a ton of bricks. Ground rules:

1. Everything you are putting into your body is "user unfriendly." So, drink, drink, drink--water!
2. Consider yourself an overused toilet and flush, flush, flush- with water!

3. That sloshing sound you hear as you walk is good--it means you're (maybe) getting enough, you guessed it, water!
4. It's hard to make a half gallon container look cute--paint pens can be fun.

5. Never pass up a drinking fountain without imbibing. Corollary: Be sure to mark the locations of strategically placed restrooms.

Paranoia

An unavoidable syndrome of the Big C, this can be greatly alleviated by some Quality Whining. Ground rules:

1. Whoever said "the greatest thing we have to fear is fear itself" had never had cancer.

2. Show your surgeon every lump. Disregard his resigned look-it's not his lump!

3. Remember you probably had some oddball lumps before your malignancy.
4. Also remember most lumps are harmless. Do not snarl at your surgeon when he reminds you of this.

5. Every physiological malfunction is not cancer, but it will only cost you the price of an office visit to have an official tell you that. Sometimes it's worth it.

6. It's hard to decide whether it's preferable for your friends to laugh at your fears or panic with you. But misery does seem to love company, so share your fears with someone--preferably someone you know. People on the bus have a marked tendency to get embarrassed.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005 7:44 AM EST

Hello everyone -

So sorry it has taken me so long to update you on my last chemo treatment. This chemo was the hardest so it took me some time to come out of my cloud. However, I am out of it now and oh what a feeling. I never have to do this crap again and I couldnt feel better about it.

The nurses at my docs office were great. They had me crying and laughing. I am going to miss seeing them once sometimes twice a week. They are really great people.

Getting my PICC line out was the BEST. It was instant gratification so it was almost better than getting my last chemo. The feeling of it coming out was morbidly satisfying too. The line was like two feet long. It sounds gross and it really was.

So tomorrow I will meet with my oncologist to discuss next steps. I need to find out how often I will be scanned. It seems from reading about other people's experience that you get scanned every three months for a year or so and then every six months. At 5 years of clean scans you are deemed CURED!!! I also have to find out how long I need to be on the Coumadin (blood thinners) for. According to my last CT scan, I still have my friendly blood clot. I am just guessing but I think I will have to stay on them until its gone. I dont know the protocol on this so I have to find out.

I dont think I will continue to update this site as I am not a good writer. However, feel free to email anytime if you ever want to know how I am doing or if you just want to say hi. tstein1@nyc.rr.com

You all have been really great to me. Many of you say I am an inspiration to you but I dont think I am. I am simply a human being who fought for her life against an evil enemy. That is the survival mechanism kicking in. Most of us have it, and it is a lot easier to do what is needed to survive than it is to say "No." Saying 'no' is going against one of the strongest instincts we have -- self-preservation. If my doing that does inspire you, then so be it and that is great too. However, I know that if faced with the same enemy, you all would fight the same fight and you would do it with the same strength and integrity that I did for we are all human and that is what we do. I guess it is just hard for me to think I am an inspiration to anyone because I got cancer. I'd rather be an inspiration for doing something good for someone else than for beating an enemy that was trying to kill me. Let me inspire you by walking for a cure for Blood Cancer. That is inspiring. All of you have been MY inspiration. My strength has come from knowing you were there.

So I think that is it. Enough rambling and blabbing. I want to sincerely thank all of you for being there for me and for praying for me. You have no idea how much of a wonderful crutch this board has been to me. Reading your posts and your prayers has kept a smile on my face. Since all of you prayed for me, I will now pray for all of you, that you NEVER have to experience what I have and that you live full and happy lives from here on in.

Thanks for everything!!!! Love to all!

Wednesday, May 25, 2005 7:56 AM EDST

TOMORROW, TOMORROW, LAST CHEMO TOMORROW, ITS ONLY A DAY AWAY!!!!!!

Woohoo!!

I dont have anything else to say right now. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes!!!

So, My Light the Night fundraising has gone superbly well thanks to all of you!!! However, I want to raise more more more money! So please, send this website to all your friends. Let's kick cancers ass!

www.active.com/donate/ltnNewYo/ltnTStein

Tuesday, May 17, 2005 8:05 AM EDST

Hello everybody!

I hope all of you are in as good of a mood as I am! I am delighted to say the least. I am finally out of my chemo cloud - this wasnt an easy one and I only have 9 days left. Woohoo! C'mon, get excited with me. I not only cannot wait for the last of the chemo to drip into my vein, but the moment when that picc line leaves my arm might just be even sweeter. One of my stitches has completely come out so I will have a nice pretty scar from that, picture tearing an earring out, yeah, lovely right? Anyway, I am overwhelmed with anxiety. I sit here now wishing there was some way to make this week go by faster faster faster. You know, you can only watch so much daytime TV before time slows down and if you watch another Jerry Springer episode you might start to believe these people are real. Imagine that!

Anyway, enough rambling - despite a yuck feeling most of the weekend Eamon did a great job of keeping me busy and trying to make me think of other things. On Friday, I slept most of the day which is normal. On Saturday we went to the 9th Avenue International Food Festival. It was really yummy! We started at 40th street and ate our way up to 55th street. We were good, we only ate finger foods, nothing huge although I have to say the temptation was overwhleming. The smells were mouth watering. mmmmmmmm! By the time we got home, I was exhausted so I passed out until Sunday morning. Then on Sunday we went to a BBQ at Mickey John's Beer Garden. That was really fun too. It was in honor of our friend Nuala's mom's birthday. She and her guyfriend were over visiting from Ireland. I didnt drink much else besides Cranberry and Selzter but the food was yummy and conversations were great. It was good in another sense in that it exhausted me so when we got home - more sleep. I wish that I had realized in earlier chemos that the best thing to do when I feel like crapola is to keep busy. Then I dont think about it as much and I get so tired that sleep comes so easily.

Well, we can just add it to the list of things I have learned from cancer, although that is a list of mostly medical jargon and what narcotics are better than others...

Ohhhh - this woman posted this poem on one of the forums I go on and I thought it was beautiful, I will dedicate it to everyone who has gone through cancer and everyone who someday will(not sure who the author is):

I do not carry a weapon,
I have not gone to war.
Yet my battles are the toughest,
of any fought so far.

Some bravery is measured,
by medals they may give.
But nothing really can compare,
to the courageous fight to live.

For those who fight this battle,
for those who stand close by.
For those who've won...
...and those who will,
and those who no more cry.

Tear jerker right? Sorry for the meloncholly.

So, My Light the Night fundraising has gone superbly well thanks to all of you!!! However, I want to raise more more more money! So please, send this website to all your friends. Let's kick cancers ass!

www.active.com/donate/ltnNewYo/ltnTStein

Thursday, May 12, 2005 1:35 PM EDST

Hello all -

So I just got home from getting chemo number 11. YAY, only ONE CHEMO LEFT. I am so excited. I asked the chemo nurse if she could just give it to me right then. LOL. So, we are now on the official countdown. 13 more days until my last day. Woohoo.

Got my PET scan results today too. Of course they were fine but it was nice to hear them say "No disease found". What a wonderful little phrase.

I also received my official letter stating I can go back to work on June 13th. How excellent is that? I know I know, most of you think I am crazy for wanting to work, but hey most of you have not sat idle on the couch for 4 months either. Also, if I was rich it would be a different story. Then I could just take off in my jet in between treatments and all would be well. Ah, dreams, arent they divine?

Okay, so I emailed alot of you about me participating in the Light the Night Walk in Manhattan in October. I am sure I missed someone so I just want to reiterate the info. I will be walking to raise money for Leukemia, Lymphoma and Myeloma research. The Walk is sponsored by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. In case you dont know, Hodgkins Disease is a type of Lymphoma. I am trying to raise at least $1,000. If you can find it in your heart (and your wallet of course) to donate any amount of money at all, please copy and paste the link below and it will take you to my personal walk website. Thanks!

www.active.com/donate/ltnNewYo/ltnTStein

Okay, now I am going to lay down and hope that this chemo is an easier than the last. Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts and a big thanks to all who have already donated money!

Sunday, May 8, 2005 10:55 AM ESDT

Helloy everyone. Happy Mothers Day to all of you mothers reading my site!

A very wise man on the Hodgkins Message Board I participate in posted this article titled "How To Beat Cancer". I am posting it here because I find it inspirational.

"How to beat cancer"

Be prepared for a marathon. It will be a long fight so pace yourself. Be prepared to go it alone if necessary, but get ready to go the distance.

Don't expect others to do as you do and do not hold others up to your standards. Not everyone can go the distance with you. People will come and go as best they can. Accept what help they can give you when they can.

Conduct yourself in your everyday life in a manner that will give you no reason or excuses for your behaviour when you look back on this time. Make the present so that you have no regrets. Don't drink or do drugs that are not needed. Be a leader so that others may follow.

Have heros. Be inspired by your heros, and be inspiration to others around you. You may be their hero.

Fight. Fight 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Fight when you wake up, fight until you go to bed, dream about fighting in your sleep. Want to win so bad that you can taste it in your food and in your drinks.

Willpower. Have plenty of it. Tell yourself you will get better every day and believe it so that you make yourself better through sheer willpower. Aspire to be great and expect nothing less than total victory. Refuse to lose or even entertain defeat. You will stumble but a champion always rises to keep going. Be that champion.

Stay focused. Do not fight battles that do not need fighting and take you away from this fight.

Hate it. Hate cancer like nothing you have ever hated before. Save all your hate for it and it alone. Love everyone and everything else. Life is good so don't let it go by.

Have no mercy, no pity, no compassion, until every last cell of it is dead. Rejoice in every victory no matter how small.

When in doubt, fight it out. You won't win if you stop fighting. It's OK to be afraid but don't stop fighting and do whatever it takes to win. Have faith and it's OK to cry.

Most of all, always walk proud. Even if you are in a wheelchair, a bed, or can't walk at all. Maintain that air of strength on the inside, because you know its better to die like a lion than live like a lamb.

Thank you to those of you who signed my guestbook after my last entry. I was feeling rather crazy when I wrote it. Although my head is still wavering I am doing okay. Two more treatments to go!! 18 days left!!!

Wednesday, May 4, 2005 3:00 PM EDST

Hello everyone -

Well, I just got home from getting my scans. No word yet on my PET scan but my CT results are in - more reduction in the size of the tumors that have turned into scar tissue. Hopefully, all the scar tissue will go away but probably not. I am sure all is well though with the PET.

I need to vent so prepare yourselves...

Yesterday my arm was sore from one of the stitches on my PICC line and I just started crying and crying. I do try to explain to Eamon just how overwhelming and confusing everything is, how even the smallest thing makes me that much closer to the edge of insanity, he listens, believing me and really wanting to understand -- but I dont think anyone can understand it - unless you feel this dreariness in your own body. It really is just all so overwhelming sometimes. And when it's not, it's only because I'm pretending that this isnt really happening, I dont really have cancer, I am not really going through this. I feel so guilty for not being the same person I used to be 6 months ago. I feel that if I were to meet Eamon now, he wouldn't even look twice at me. I feel ugly, and fat, and boring, and helpless, and dependent, and IDLE. I know in my head that this thinking is useless and unbeneficial but my heart cant stop it. I think only a sense of this being truly over will it release me from the steely grasp on my soul.

Please dont think I am sitting here wallowing in self pity and misery (or maybe I am)- I just need to release some pent up emotion. I try to be so damn positive all the time and sometimes, I am ready to crack. I'm in a bouncing extreme of emotion lately. My anxiety levels are on 10 and pushing farther. One second I'm crying, the next I'm happy. It's confusing. I want so many things to be over and yet they are not. I want to take my life back but this IS my life and I never lost it. I want this PICC line out of my arm. I want to go back to work. I just want to feel normal again, whatever that may be. It just is what it is. I feel like screaming "I want what I want when I want it dammit, and I am going to have it" If that wasnt such immature behavior, I might just scream it and then live by it. I feel that I have had no control over my life in the past 6 months and I want it back, I want it bad. I have taken to becoming very irked if the coffee table has too much stuff on it - I can move the crap off of it myself or I can put it back. A weird sense of feeling the need for control?

So now that I bared myself, I will go on with my day and tell myself there are only 22 days left of this and when it is gone it will be gone. I will not let cancer become who I am. I do wonder if it is already too late. Probably not - it just feels so close to home.

Thursday, April 28, 2005 3:09 PM EDST

Hello all -

I just got home from getting chemo #10. Yay! Almost done. My white blood cell count was really low and they almost weren't going to give me the chemo but they decided to anyway. My count was 2.9 and you aren't supposed to go below 4.0 or you are at serious risk for infection. That is why I get the evil Neupogen shots - they boost your bone marrow to make more white blood cells to fight infections. Only I did a bad thing and havent taken my shot in awhile. I know I know - stupid, idiotic - I am sure you can think of a couple more words. It's just like I said in past journal entries - Neupogen hurts!!! Because it stimulates your bone marrow, it causes bone PAIN! I get a terrible migraine and I clench my jaw real hard and my lower back hurts. It's really ugly. So, for the last few weeks, my white blood cell count has been around 5-6 so I figured I could skip the shots. Too bad I was wrong. I know what you are thinking, Tianna wrong? NEVER. But its true. Now, instead of once a week, they want me to take the shot on Saturday AND Sunday. The chemo nurse says she doesnt want to take any chances of a delay in treatment since I am so close to the end. Uuuuggg. Not going to be a fun weekend for me.

Well, on a better note - I have only 2 treatments left. I am soooo excited about that. You really have no idea. I just sit here and daydream of my last treatment. I cant wait for them to take the PICC line out and say you are done!!!! I think that day will rate up there with one of the best days of my life.

So, other good news - my lungs are fine. Thank goodness for that. My doctor decided to put the Bleomycin back into my treatment. I am actually really glad he decided to do that. I found out that by not having the Bleo for just 4 treatments make the chances of relapse go up by 3 percent. I know they are just statistics but I would like to keep the chance of relapse as low as possible.

So now I am just sitting home relaxing and hoping that this chemo is as easy as the last two.

Next Wednesday, I will be going for my second set of scans - PET and CT. I dont see any cause for alarm or worry since I already had a clean scan but all the same - wish me luck. I will let you know the results as soon as I get them.

Talk soon and take care!!

Sunday, April 24, 2005 8:54 AM EDST

Hi everybody -

Sorry I havent updated you sooner. I have been a busy bee the last few days so I havent really had time to sit down and write anything.

Last Wednesday, I went in to my docs office after having some more of those chest pains. He thought I could have one of a couple things: very bad allergies (which I do have), an inflamed esophugus (sp?), costochondral tenderness of the breast bone (which is basically athritis) or bleomycin toxicity. He sent me to the Emergency Room to have a bunch of different tests run. First, I had an EKG, which came back normal. Then I had this test where they want to see how much oxygen is in your blood. OUCH! This test hurts. If you ever have to have it, prepare for some pain. They numb you in the wrist and then stick a needle deep into it to get to your artery. Luckily, the doctor was good and got it on the first try but those couple of seconds were soooooo painful. Then they sent me for this lung test which was like a CT scan only it was a different machine. I cant remember the name of it. Both of those tests came back normal. So they sent me home.

On Thursday, I went for my Pulmonary breathing test. My doctor called on Friday evening to tell me that test was normal as well. So, no Belo toxicity. He is worried that he is missing something so he said if I dont get better by Monday that he wants me to go see a lung specialist. However, I really am starting to feel better.

I am starting to think that maybe it was just my allergies. I am also starting to think that I am sick of going to see more doctors and running more tests. Sometimes I thing that my pain threshold has increased so much over the last 6 months that I dont even really know if something is serious or not. Well, good news is I havent had ANY chest pains since Wednesday and my breathing seems to be okay.

Okay, on to more fun stuff. I have finally booked my celebratory vacation!! Now, I am going to go crazy having to wait for it although its just over a month away. Eamon and I are going to stay in a resort that is right at the entrance to Universal Studios in Florida. We will be going from Saturday to Thursday. Ohhh, I cant wait, I am sooooo excited. I know we just went to Universal last year but we loved it so much so we are going back. I was thinking we should just go to the one in California for something different but the flight is long and I just want some sun and pool and fun as quickly as possible.

Anyway, that is my good news. Next Thursday is chemo #10 then I will have another round of scans and then I will have ony TWO chemos left!! Wooohooo!

Hope everyone is still doing great and I will talk to you soon.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005 9:39 AM ESDT

Hi everyone -

Hope everyone is well and enjoying this delicious weather we have. Everything seems to be going okay here. Well, all except for the breathing issues. I am still having them. More than likely, the doctors will tell me tomorrow that I have bleo toxicity. They usually put you on prednisone for that which is a steriod so I am not looking forward to that. Right now, the only steriod I take is Decadron and they give that to you in an IV drip before the chemo. I would rather not even get that. Apparently, prednison makes you VERY AWAKE and I already have sleeping issues. Also, it makes you want to eat everything. Since I already want to eat everything, I dont think this could be good. But let me stop complaining about a drug that will help me breathe. I mean obviously breathing is much more important that weight loss. I do intend to go on breathing all day every day for a long time so if I have to take a drug to help then so be it.

But, other than that, things are great. I am really loving this weather. I wish I had a balcony so I could sit outside all day. That would be so nice. We can all be jealous of Eamon's parents right now. They are living it up in the Canary Islands. That is off the west coast of Africa in case you dont know. I would LOVE to go there. I imagine they are sooo beautiful. Anyway, I hope they take lots of pictures. Maybe I could post one or two on this site. Make us all wish we could take a holiday!

So, chemo #9 was a breeze. Even easier than #8. I really really hope it stays this easy for the last three. I have heard horror stories about people getting worse and worse towards the end. I would love to get better and better!! Ah, who wouldnt?

Well, my Pulmonary test is tomorrow so I will post and let you know how it goes. Wish me luck!

Thursday, April 14, 2005 5:06 PM EDST

Hello everyone -

Quick update on what happened today for you.

Over the weekend, I had some issues breathing. It wasnt bad - if you call not being able to breathe properly not bad - eeek. It felt like someone was pressing on my chest and I had pains in the middle of my chest down into my abdomen. It lasted for about 5 minutes. I wasnt doing anything physical at the time either. I have also developed a small cough. They say one of the drugs they give me, Bleomycin, can cause severe lung damage. They constantly listen to my chest and back to see if something is not right. So far, everything has been fine. So I tell them today when I went in to for #9 about the pains and cough. They immediately witheld the Bleomycin from my treatment which I am told is not uncommon. After my treatment they sent me for an Angiogram (sp?). It is the same as a CT scan only they inject some crap into you that makes you really hot all over. Anyway, that came back negative. They were testing to see if I had a Pulmonary Embolism being that I had a clot in my jugular. Holy scary!!!! Well anyway, all is well in that department because like I said, the test bame back negative. So next week, I will be going for a Pulmonary Breathing test to find out what capacity my lungs are running on. More than likely, I will not be getting the Bleomycin for the rest of treatment. I can only hope that the damage to my lungs isnt too severe. Wish me luck! The test is next Thursday as they have to wait for most of the chemo to be gone before they can administer the test.

So good news is that chemo #9 is in me and now I only have 3 left. I also made a friend today in the chemo room. Her name is Debby and she has breast cancer. She is only 29. I felt really bad for her as I was talking to her. She is only at the beginning and still overwhelmed by emotion. She will be in my prayers tonight and hopefully some of you can pray for her as well (if you want to, of course). She is looking for someone to do the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer with her and I signed up. I want to do the walk this year and Avon has its own team that walks together so I invited her to become a part of the Avon Team.

I was trying to get a picture of myself now so some of you who dont see me regularly could see the bald chemo sexiness I have going on. Unfortunately I have one of those ginourmous ancient digital cameras and all the pictures came out gruesome so I cant post them on here. Maybe I really do look gruesome (Eamon says no). In the pictures I have really dark circles under my eyes and my face looks puffy from the steriods they give you. I cant possibly look like that. Anyway, sorry, you guys lose and I win. No pictures! One of these days, we will buy a real digital camera and I will post some nice pictures. Maybe. Only if I stop looking like a ghost.

So the chemo nurse says I really should keep my PICC line until after the last treatment. Boooo, hisss. I know, crapy crappy. She says my veins are small and it could hurt me and make me more uncomfortable than I ever thought possible. Hah! I'll tell you what's uncomfortable. I should take her word for it, although I dont want to, liar liar pants on fire. I want to lay on the ground and kick and scream and say Take it Out, Take it OUT!!!! But since I am a grown woman, I think that sort of behavior is frowned upon. Ahh, youth is wasted on the young. Anyway, the nurse says she will whip it right out as soon as the last chemo drips though my vein. She says it heals in like two or three days. mmmmm. We'll see.

So that's how it is right now. After I take my lung test next week, I'll post to let you know the results. Be good.

One more thing, today is my bestest friend Jessica's 28th birthday so everyone say Happy Birthday to her. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA!!!! Wish I could party like a rockstar with you!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 8:41 AM EDST

Hello everyone -

So things are still going good around here. I had a bit of a scare yesterday. My cat, Nushka, you all know her as the mean one, somehow got out the apartment without me knowing it. It was sometime in the afternoon that I realized I hadnt seen her for awhile. I was really upset. I searched every nook and cranny in this apartment and she was gone. I went up on the roof and called her and called her. Nothing, nowhere. When Eamon got home from work, I went and put fliers with her picture on it in the apartment building lobbies on our block. I just couldnt imagine where she had gotten herself to. I was feeling sooooo guilty because just the other day I said to my sister that I would be happier if I just had one cat instead of two. Uhhhh! I didnt really mean for her to go away. So, this morning, Eamon leaves for work and comes back two minutes later with my cat. I couldnt believe it. I searched this building like a madwoman. He said that she was sitting in the window that is in the stairwell. Just hanging out. She made me nuts all night. I didnt get any sleep and she is just hanging out in the building. What a freak. Anyway, she is home and everything is good now.

Eamon and I went up to my sister's house for the weekend. It was really nice. The weather was great. We grilled up some steaks and chicken/pork kabobs and had some salad. It was great - my Aunt Darlene and Uncle Joe came over and enjoyed the "festivities" with us. It was nice to see them. We all sat around and ate too much and babbled on about nothing in particular. Here is a cute picture of my niece, Vicky and my nephew, Mikey. They are too cute...

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Here is a nice picture I found of me and my sister at her wedding.....

Ohhh - more crazy happenings - on the way up to my sister's house, our car, our cute new car, overheated. We were about 2 miles from my sisters house when it happened. The temperature gauge was going up and down the whole way up but as soon as we got off the highway that was it, smoke starting coming out. I felt really bad putting my dad to work for the weekend however, he had Eamon and my brother in law, Chris to help him. I think they actually enjoyed themselves. The problem ended up being one of the radiator hoses. It was rubbing against the fan and had a hole in it so all the water and antifreeze was spewing out. My father couldnt fix it becuase they couldnt get the part they needed, he just kind of rigged it so we could get home. I am taking it to the dealer on Friday.

Anyway - everything is going well here. We are still on the countdown to my last treatment which is May 26. It is getting closer and closer. Thursday, I will go for number 9. I cant wait to get it over with.

Thursday, April 7, 2005 2:54 PM EDST

Hello everyone -

So sorry I havent written anything in a week. Things are going good here. Feeling good. My last chemo was a breeze. I only had chemo brain for a short while and the yuck side affect was very low. All in all, the easiest chemo so far. One can only dream that the rest will be so easy.

So I just got home from my friend Lindsey's house. Was really nice. We went to the beach. It was great because there was no one there. We lounged out with her two daughters, Taylor and Grace, and just relaxed while Taylor made us a sand castle. I put my feet in the water and it was freezing!!! Guess it is way too early for the ocean. Anyway, had a great time. I think I will go back out there next week. It is really nice to get away from the city once in awhile, especially when it is so nice outside.

So good news from the doctor - no more blood tests twice a week. Now I only have to go once a week. It's good because paying a $30 co-pay twice a week was getting crazy but bad becuase it was an excuse to get out of the house. Sometimes I sit here very stir crazy. Anyway, my blood levels have stabalized with the Coumadin so we are all good in that department. Now maybe I can have them pull this damn PICC line out. I cant take this thing anymore!

I dont have much else to say right now. I hope everyone is in good health and is happy. Thanks for all the prayers and notes on my message board!!

Next Thursday will be chemo #9 and then only 3 left. YAY!!!

Thursday, March 31, 2005 1:58 AM EST

Hello everybody -

Well, finished my fourth cycle today with chemo #8. Now I have only 4 more to go. I am starting to have some really bad anxiety over getting treatments. Last night, I had to take two of my sleeping pills just to calm down enough to fall asleep. Its not good. The doctor gave me this stuff called Ativan which is an anti-anxiety medication. I hope it helps. Sometimes, I think my brain is on overdrive and all I think about is Cancer and Chemo. It isnt very fun. The brain can drive you crazy at 3am.

My doctor told me today that after my next two treatments, so after #10, we will do another round of scans. I think they just want to make sure remission is enforced and nothing is coming back. Not that they are worried or anything but they like to be sure. Then I will have another set of scans after my last treatment (it feels so good to say that).....getting close now.

So, Eamon and I bought a 2001 PT Cruiser. Here is a pic:

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Cute right? We love it. Cant wait to take it for a nice long drive. Hopefully next week, I'll take it to go see Lindsey. She lives out on Long Island and it takes about an hour to get there. Also, next weekend, Eamon and I are going to stay at my sister's house for a night. It has been awhile since we have gone up to visit. That is about and hour and half drive if we are lucky and get no traffic.

So, everything else is good. Eamon and I decided that the 2nd weekend after my last treatment, we are going to spend a few days in Universal Orlando. I need a break and we need to celebrate no more chemo. We are going to stay in a nice resort right outside Universal. I really cant wait. So now I have a couple things in June to look forward to. A nice vacation and going back to work. I really need some normalcy. If that even exists!!

I hope everyone is doing well. I probably wont update the site again until next week sometime. Wont be feeling so hot for the next couple of days.

Talk soon everyone!!!

Thursday, March 24, 2005 2:14 PM EST

Hello -

I just got back from my bi-weekly doctors appointment. Fun Fun! I have to get blood drawn twice a week because of the Coumadin pills I take. Everytime I go they switch my dosage based on the levels in my blood. Sometimes, I have to take two pills. Sometimes I have to skip a pill. Now I have to a half a pill today and a whole one tomorrow. My blood cant seem to make up its mind. Oh well, still better than injections everyday. My hemaglobin was low today too. tsk tsk. I had to get a shot called Procrit. It boosts your red blood cells. It was low because yesterday I cut my finger really bad while chopping peppers. Because of the blood thinners, I dont coagulate well so it took awhile to stop the bleeding. Can be dangerous. I must be more careful! It's just that I had the radio on and I was dancing a bit while chopping - not a very good idea apparently. You know how it goes.

Everything is going good. Out of the chemo haze and into the boredom. It really is hard sitting home with nothing to do. Eamon says I am crazy. He would love to be able to sit home all day and watch tv. Not me. I am out of my head. I just want to go back to work and feel productive again. I am sure soon enough, I will be back at work and watching the clock waiting for 5pm to roll around. The grass is always greener right?

So Eamon and I are going to buy a car this weekend. We arent sure yet what we are getting. We like the PT Cruisers and the New Beetles. We really want a MINI but we cant afford one. They are really expensive. I'll let you all know what we get. Alot of you probably have seen the clunker car we have now. It's ready for bed. That car has been good to us and it is past its time. We are going to retire it.

Oh yeah, I asked my doctor today why I am not getting radiation after chemo. It seems that most people do. She said that because my cancer was in more than one area, it would cause too much harm to my body to do radiation. They only do radiation when they can isolate the area. But I had (I love to say HAD instead of have) cancer in my neck and my chest so it wouldnt be good for me to have radiation. Not that I want radiation or anything - I was just very concerned since most people seem to get it.

So anyway - 5 more chemos to go. I think I am going to ask my chemo nurse if she can take my PICC line out after my ninth chemo and do the last three through a vein. I have three good veins they could use. This thing really is a nusance. I am really glad it isnt the port but it still sucks. I cant go swimming. I cant take looooong showers. I cant take baths. I cant sleep on my arm. It is always sore. uhhhh! I just cant win here. Complain complain complain. I think I will stop now.

I hope everyone is doing well. Talk soon!

Thursday, March 17, 2005 12:44 PM EST

Hi everyone -

Thank you so much for all of your congratulatory (sp?) words. I dont think I can even express in words how relieved I am and how happy both Eamon and I are. It is a huge weight off of our shoulders. Now, we just have to bear the next couple of months and get through these last treatments. Speaking of which, I had #7 this morning. Only 5 left!!! Soon its going to be only one left and then NONE!!! I really cant wait.

I was able to stop taking the Lovenox shot the other day. Thanks goodness for that. I was really getting sick of getting a shot everyday. I still have to go in to the doctors twice a week to get my blood tested but that is soooo much better then getting a shot in the abdomen every day. OUCH!

So, last week, Eamon and I went out to dinner to celebrate. It was really nice. We ate alot and drank some wine. We then stopped into the pub for a couple hours and many of our friends were there. We made a night of it and celebrated with all of them. It was really fun although I didn't drink as much as I wanted to (trying to be a good girl, yeah) we did have a really fun time. Everyone was so happy for me and I think I was glowing.

One of Eamon's good friends from home is over with his girlfriend and we have been spending some time with them. They are really fun. Jared and Caroline. They are probably at the St. Patricks Day parade right now. I figured I would skip it although it is a really nice day. I hope they have fun. Will probably go out later to celebrate St. Patty's Day. Although I will be drinking seltzer water with lime, I will make sure I enjoy it!

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Hope everyone is doing well. I am about to dive into my chemo haze so be good for next couple of days!!! Talk to you next week sometime.

P.S. I just wanted to say a few words to my chemo angel Sharon. You are awesome!!! I just opened this card from you (and I tore it open) and a hundred little green shamrocks flew all over the place. I am going to be picking them up forever!! LOL. Too funny. Thank you so much! For all of you who are wondering, Chemo Angel? What's that? Well, she is someone who has been through cancer already and knows what I am going through. We have never met, it is through a website that this is set up. At least once a week, she sends me things to brighten my day - cards, word puzzles, note pads, etc. Anyway, she is wonderful!! Here's to you Sharon for making my life that much more enjoyable!

Thursday, March 10, 2005 5:46 PM EST

Hello everyone -

That's right, I said it. The R word. I am in Remission baby. I didn't think I would get the results so soon but the lab faxed over the results to my doctor and she just could not wait to call me.

She called me at about 3:30pm today and told me that I was in complete Remission. Absolutely NO SIGN of cancer anywhere.

The unfortunate thing is I will still have to complete ALL my treatments so that still means 6 more treatments.

HAHAHAHA CANCER, I KICKED YOUR ASS!!!

Now Eamon and I are going out tonight to celebrate!!!!

I'll post more about our celebration and everything my doctor tells me next week when I go to see them. Thank you everyone for your prayers. They really really worked!

Monday, March 7, 2005 8:09 AM EST

Hi everyone. Doing okay here. Just starting to come out of the chemo haze. Eamon and I tried to go shopping yesterday and that was a big mistake. Chemo was rearing its ugly head and I couldnt think straight and I got really shaky and tired. Too much, too soon. It usually takes until Tuesday for me to be okay but I really wanted to get out of the house. I'll remember that next time.

#6 went fine. The PICC line worked like a charm. I just wish I could have had it from the start.

Today I am going to see the surgeon who removed the port. It is just a follow-up appointment so he can make sure I am okay and take the stitches out. I am happy because I can finally take the bandage off. It is annoying.

I am excited because tomorrow I am going to a taping of the Conan O'Brien show. I am going with my best friend Lindsey, her mother in law Chris and her sister in law Emily. I cant wait. I love Conan. Then we are going to go out to dinner somewhere in the city afterward.

I started back on the Coumadin yesterday. That is the pill form of the blood thinners. Remember I had to stop taking them because I had to have surgery. Well I am taking them again. I now have to go in the doc's office twice a week for blood tests though. He says I only have to do it for the first few weeks because they really have to measure my blood counts when taking these pills. Oh well, it is definitely better than getting a shot everyday. I think I have a permanent bruise on my stomach from the shots. It will be nice not to have them everyday. I will probably stop the shots tomorrow or Wednesday. You have to wait a few days for the pills to get into your system first.

So now I am officially half way through my chemo. 6 down, 6 to go. On Thursday, I will have my PET and CT scans and we will see where we stand. I really cant wait to get the results. Those couple of days will probably take forever.....oh well, wish me luck. I will write more soon.

Tuesday, March 1, 2005 12:36 PM EST

Hello everyone!

Well, I have been PICC'd. LOL. The PICC line insertion was a piece of cake. I was really really nervous at first because the doctor taped my arm down and then draped a plastic sheet over my entire body including my head. eek! Now we begin the torture....heehoohahahaha!!!!

Anyway - it wasn't bad at all. The only thing that was bothersome, was the numbing part. They stuck a needle in my arm with numbing agent and it burned a bit. But after that, I couldn't feel a thing. It was over in 10 minutes. It is kind of wierd looking. It's just like a butterfly IV but it is deep in your arm. Oh well, at least we wont have any more port problems. YAY!

So, my 6th chemo will be on Thursday and then next Thursday, I will have my mid-point PET scan. I have been having dreams about it....(mostly good but some bad) so pray for me that is comes back clean.

I really cant wait to stop these Neupogen shots. They are the ones I get once a week for bone marrow stimulation. They make my white blood cell count higher so I am not so prone to infections. The only thing is, Neupogen is the devil. It makes my bones hurt sooooooo bad. Last night, I was practically in tears because of the headache and jaw ache it gave me. I had to take ALOT of pain killers just to sleep. I wont be able to stop these shots until chemo stops but I just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening!!

Here, check out my montage. I will try to make more montages during my endless hours of boredom. Please, if you have any pictures you would like included, send them to email below.... here is the first one...

Friday, February 25, 2005 5:49 PM EST

Hi everyone -

Not going to type much cause I am in pain!!

Surgery went great. They only had to open me up in my stomach not my neck so I am happy about that. Surgery took about 45 minutes and I was out cold for it. No more port problems!!! yay!

I will be getting my PICC line put in on Tuesday. I wish they could have done both surgeries at the same time but they wouldnt.

Anyway - feeling some pain so I am going to lay down.

Talk to you soon.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005 1:28 PM EST

Hello everyone! So here is an update for you....

Last Thursday I went in to get my chemo and had problems with my port yet again. For whatever reason this time, the IV would not drip. The nurse had me move into different positions to see if that would work. It was kind of funny because everytime she made me laugh or I shook my head, the IV would drip. Then my oncologist tried it for like 10 minutes and just as he was about to give up, he got a blood return. A blood return means that some blood came back out of the vein into the IV. This means that the port is still in the vein. So they decided to administer the chemo anyway which took about three and half hours as opposed to an hour and ten minutes. Not fun at all. Then my port hurt for the rest of the day.

I started on the Coumadin this past Saturday. That is the blood thinner pill rather than an injection which Eamon has been giving me. Because I started the pill, I had to go in today for a blood test. Well, yesterday and the day before, I had some more pain in my port area and where the tubing is. So I told the doctor this and he decided that we are removing the port. Sometime this week I am getting de-ported. hehe

Anyway, I am happy to get the port out. It is another surgery and a bit of a hassle but this thing has been causing me more problems than the chemo. I am not sure when it will be coming out as the surgeon has to give me a call after he sets the time up. I am keeping the thing too. I want to see this little pain in the hole that's been causing me so much grief!

So now, because of the surgery, I have to stop taking the Coumadin and go back on the injections :(

My mid-way PET scan will have to be re-scheduled now too. My oncologist wants me to reschedule it for after I get the PICC line put in which will be sometime next week before me 6th chemo. (which will be next Thursday) I will have to go back to Interventional Radiology for them to put the PICC line in.

Well, another bump in the road but we are still moving along. Other than my port, everything is good. Chemo is still kicking butt and I am still going strong!!

I will post more after my surgery.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005 1:23 PM EST

Hi everyone -

I just got back from my follow up appointment with my oncologist after my hospitalization. He says he is happy with my treatment and everything is good. He is however, extremely upset that the hospital sent me a letter notifying of my port problem and didnt call anyone, not me, him or the surgeon. He says he is going to bring it up with Chief of Staff in the Emergency Room because this should never happen to anyone ever again.

Onwards - My fifth chemo will be this Thursday. Almost halfway!!!! I am going to have my mid-way PET scan next week. It is a long and boring test....they inject me with some radioactive material and then I have to sit there and do nothing for an hour and then they scan my body for an hour (machine looks like a CT scan machine). The radioactive stuff will light up any cancerous activity left in my body. I really can't wait to have this test. To me, it signifies so much....halfway done, its so hard to believe that I have come this far already. I thought it would take forever to get here but it hasn't. Before I know it, I will be getting my last treatment. YAY!!

Anyway - everyone please pray for the PET scan to come out "clean". Then we can all have cause for some mid-way celebrating.

I will post more after my chemo. Hopefully this one will go as smoothly as the last one!!! Wish me luck!

Saturday, February 12, 2005 8:59 AM EST

Hi everyone -

Just wanted to let all of you know that everything is going good.

As of this moment, I am side affect and pain free. I get to enjoy this for 6 days (until my next treatment) so I am really happy right now.

Eamon and I are going out to my best friend Lindsey's house in a couple of hours. It is her daughter Grace's 1st bithday party. Should be a good time. It will be the first time I am getting out of the house for something social in awhile so I am determined to have a good time.

Anyway just wanted to tell you all is well!

Thanks for all your prayers and your messages in my guest book. Keep them coming please. I love reading them, they really make me smile!

Tuesday, February 8, 2005 7:53 AM EST

Hi Everyone! Time for an update.

Last Thursday I had chemo as scheduled. Everything went fine. Only weird thing was that now I could hear the chemo going into my vein. That is because the tube goes into my vein right by my ear. Interesting.

So, I get home on Thursday from getting my chemo and I have this urgent telegram from the hospital. When I open it it states that after reviewing my chest x-ray of January 29th (which was my first visit to the ER) the radiologist has determined that my port-a-cath is not in my vein. Please see doctor immediately. Well, I immediately freaked out. I mean, what next? And I just had my chemo. I was really upset thinking that now chemo was all over the inside of my body. I was even more upset by the fact that I received this news by "urgent" telegram several days later when in fact I was in the hospital for THREE DAYS!!!

Anyway, enough ranting - I called the surgeon. He told me he would have to review the x-ray with the radiologist and get back to me. He called me Friday morning and said that is seemed from the x-ray that my tubing had shifted again but he did not think it had come out of the vein. He wasnt concerned that this was a big deal and made an appointment with me to come to Interventional Radiology on Monday the 7th.

Well, that was yesterday. I went in and they injected me with some dye contrast and then took more pictures of my neck and chest. Thankfully, my port was still partially in the vein. They sedated me pretty well and then did some procedure to right the tubing. Then entered my body through a vein near my groin (apparently the vein is connected to the other vein in my neck) and they used ultrasound and some weird looking instuments to manipulate the tubing back into the vein. It took almost two hours to do it and they almost gave up. Had they given up, I would have had to have the port removed once again. However, they were eventually able to right the tubing.

I asked the doctor if there was anything I could do to prevent this from happening again like never moving my right side ever and he said no. He said that is completely internal and that if my body wants to get rid of the tubing, it will. He also said there is no guarantee that the tubing will remain in place now after they did whatever they did. GREAT!

The procedure was quite painful once the drugs wore off and I had to take some pretty strong painkillers last night and this morning.

So I talked to my oncologist about this and he says that if the port removes itself again then I can have it taken out permanently and have what is called a PICC line put in. Basically, that is a IV in my arm but it would be there the whole time I am getting chemo. So I would have a tube coming out of my arm for a couple of months. The good thing about that is no more needle sticks but the bad thing is I cant ever get it wet, I would have to flush it once a week and I would very limited to the movements I could make with my arm.

Well, another bump on my neverending quest to rid myself of cancer. What can I do except go with it.

Today, I am going to sit home and relax and try not to think about the craziness in my life. Wish me luck!!

Wednesday, February 2, 2005 1:05 PM CST

Hi everyone!

So here is what has happened in the last few days in case you havent already heard:

On Monday morning, Eamon and I went to see my oncologist because the pain in my neck got even worse. I wasnt buying the muscle spasm theory as I felt the ER doctors were just guessing. I was in tears with pain. My oncologist could hardly touch my neck because it hurt soooo bad.

He sent me to see the Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist that did my original surgical biopsy. The specialist used some special equipment to look down my throat to see if he could see anything unusual. Well, he didnt see anything bad so they sent me back to the ER to get a CT scan.

The CT scan showed that I have a blood clot in my anterior jugular vein. Sounds like a major vein but fortunately it isnt. However, I had to be hospitalized and immedietley given blood thinners. So for the past couple of days I have been in the hospital taking Coumadin by mouth and shots of Lovenox in the stomach.

They have also give me Hydromorphone for the pain which is alot stronger then Morphine and makes me very loopy.

So now, it is about 2:12pm and I am finally home. For the next ten days Eamon has to give me the shot of Lovenox in the stomach and then on the 7th day, I will start taking hte Coumadin by mouth. I will then have to take Coumadin until I am done with chemo and they remove the port-a-cath. My doctors are positive that the blood thinners will take care of the problem. I do not need to have another surgery (thank God).

So I am home now and resting up. I will go for my fourth chemo tomorrow as scheduled.

When I am feeling up to it, I will write more.

Sunday, January 30, 2005 8:19 AM EST

So sometimes I sit around the house and think to myself, "Self, I just dont torture you enough". So I decided to go to the emergency room and spend 6 hours sitting in a room waiting. (please note sarcasm)

Truthfully - I really couldnt stand the pain I was still feeling in my neck. It was getting to the point where I couldnt move my head and it hurt to open my mouth. (to be honest, it still does) So, I wasnt really buying the whole reaction to drinking alcohol thing anymore because I didnt think the effects could possbily last for so long.

So anyway, I decided to take my temperature yesterday and it was 100 degrees. I was told by my oncologist that if my temp ever gets that high to go the emergency room because that could indicate an infection which is a huge no no with chemo.

So, I called my doctor and told him and he said to go the ER. Eamon and I drove to the hospital and got there around 5pm yesterday. Well, after a chest x-ray, some blood work, 4 doctors and 6 hours later, they decided that all I have is a severe muscle spasm from the surgery. The only thing they can do for me is give me some muscle relaxer and hope for the best. Whew!! I am releived because an infection could have been really bad! However, I now have to endure this pain for I dont know how long. The doctors recommended I not go get a professional massage because they could cause more damage since my port tubing ends in my neck area. So, tomorrow I am going to ask my oncologist if he approves of Acupuncture. It is the only thing I can think of that might help me.

Well, good news is that the alcohol issue was just a myth and I can still enjoy a glass of wine now and then. No more drinking too much though....

Funny tidbit that happened at the hospital. A woman nurse came into my room and made Eamon leave. Then she asked me if Eamon hit me. The doctors actually thought I might be abused....Interesting since I dont have any bruises. I just cant move my head....Oh well, I guess sometimes you cant be too careful with some women. You just never know. I just thought it was amusing.

Friday, January 28, 2005 4:34 PM EST

Hello everyone and Happy Friday!

Just woke up from a nice afternoon nap. Sometimes I am soooo tired I feel like I could fall asleep standing up. Bad!

So, on this previous Monday, I starting having really intense pain in my right neck and shoulder area. It hurt to even breathe. I got really scared because it was the same type of pain I was feeling before when my port came out. So I finally went to see the doctor yesterday. Well, Sunday afternoon, Eamon and I went to the bar and let's just say that I had more than my fair share of some drinks. Well, apparently, in about 2-5 percent of Hodgkins patients, alcohol consumption will cause immense pain and inflammation of the lymphnodes. HOW DEPRESSING IS THAT??? Leave it to me to be in the 2-5 percent range. I mean no, getting Hodgkins itself isnt rare enough, I had to go and be allergic to alcohol too! After he told me that, I put two and two together and realized that on other occasions that I had drank some alcohol, I had severe pain. Damn! So now, no more drinking until this is over.

Well, I guess - here's to sobriety everyone - go have a drink on me!!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005 1:13 PM EST

Greetings everyone! A quick update -

I have just gotten home from work. I tried to go in and function normally but my boss tells me not to overdo it. He says I shouldn't push myself too much so he sent me home early. This should be the last day of feeling "off" from the chemo. They call it chemo brain. It makes you kind of shaky and you cant really think too clear. Sometimes, you cant even come up with the simplest word. Hopefully, I am better tomorrow.

It has been a tough couple of days. The shot that I have to take, Neupogen, causes bone pain. It's different with everyone but for me it causes me to clench my jaw really really hard. Eamon went out and got me a brace to wear at night but the other night, for some reason, I took it out of my mouth while I was sleeping. So now I am paying for it with a sore jaw and neck muscles as well as the chemo brain.

The one thing I dont have an issue with is nausea. I thank God for that because nausea has got to be the worst thing to deal with. The pills they give me to take are really good in preventing it. Of course, there are some strange side affects but nothing too bad. One thing that does drive me crazy though is my taste. The pills and the chemo make everything taste weird...well, maybe I'll lose some weight!!

But let me stop complaining now before I bore you to death. I could probably go on and on with the side affects of chemo. Grrrr!!

Thanks again for all your wishes and I will update you again soon!

Thursday, January 20, 2005 5:59 PM CST

Well, here it is almost 6pm. I finished my third chemo about 2pm today. I was really scared when the chemo nurse pushed the saline through my port, I cringed and looked away but thankfully there was no pain. The chemo was entirely uneventful.

It is not easy to be all happy and cheery on a day you get chemo. I basically feel meloncholly (sp?). The yucky feeling hasn't exactly set in yet but I am sitting in anticipation of it. The next few days wont be too easy for me but I will get through it. (especially knowing that so many of you are praying and thinking about me, its definitely makes it easier!)

I am reading the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy which Eamon got me for Christmas since he couldn't believe that I hadn't yet read it. I highly recommend it to anyone who has not had the pleasure. It definietly makes for laughing sessions and is great to read while chemo is going through your veins. The absolute silliness of these books will tickle you.

Anyway, again, I hope everyone is doing wonderfully and I will write more in a couple days!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005 11:30 AM CST

Hello everyone -

I hope everyone is well and happy!

So here we are, 24 hours before my third chemo. I am not looking forward to getting the chemo again as I just got back all the feeling in my fingertips!! Oh well, I guess I dont really have a choice in the matter.

Still some pain from surgery but not too bad. The pain is completely different from the pain I had with the last port. Last time, it hurt sooooo bad. This time, only the incisions hurt. It makes me really believe that something was wrong from the beginning with the last one. Maybe it wasnt something I did to cause the tube to come out.

Anyway, just wanted to give you all an update. Feeling good and happy. I am more than likely going to stop working as of February 1st. My job offers really great short term disability so I am going to take advantage. Not sure what I am going to do with so much time on my hands but I am sure to come up with something. Any suggestions??

Well, I will post more after my chemo and let you know how it goes. Cross your fingers for me.

Talk soon!

Saturday, January 15, 2005 6:34 PM EST

Hi everyone -

So surgery went ok. Took a little longer than expected but everything is good.

I do have alot of pain directly at the incision sites however, they gave me some Codeine to take and I have slept most of the day so I am sure I will be feeling better very soon.

Thanks again for all your good wishes.

For now, we are still on track for chemo #3 this coming Thursday. I have to follow-up with the surgeon next week.

I will write more soon when I am feeling a little better.

Take care everyone.

If you want, please go to this website http://www.fundraisingforleukemia.org and buy a purple bracelet. All proceeds go the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

Also - dont forget to sign my guestbook

Tuesday, January 11, 2005 3:40 PM CST

Hello everyone!

First of all, thank you so much for all your best wishes.
It really means alot to Eamon and I.

If you havent already seen my bald head, check out the link below for pictures...

So, I went to Interventional Radiology on Monday. They injected me with some dye and then took pictures of my chest and abdomen. They had a screen set up and I could see the pictures. I could see the tubing coiling all the way up from my abdomen to my collarbone. Was quite interesting!!

The doctors in Radiology were hoping that the tube was still partially inside my vein because if it was then they could make a small incision and somehow position it back into my vein. Unfortunately, the tube has come completely out of my vein so there was nothing Radiology could do for me.

The surgeon who placed the port is going to do another surgery this Friday. He is going to completely replace the port and tubing. I am not looking forward to that but hopefully it will be my last major surgery.

After that, I will be able to start my chemo again. Next Thursday will be my third treatment. Only 9 more to go after that...It kind of scares of me to take such a long break from chemo but the oncologist says it is okay. He says that sometimes people go a month without any treatments. It still scares me but I have to say it is really nice to feel "good". Two weeks of no chemo has definitely made me stronger!!!

So wish me luck for Friday!! I will post another message on Saturday to let you all know how it goes.

Sunday, January 9, 2005 9:20 AM CST

Hi everyone. I wanted to take the time to create this site so you can all be updated on my condition whenever you want.

As most of you know, I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Disease on November 17th, 2004. Everything happened really fast. On October 17th, I was working out with weights and I felt like I pulled a muscle in my neck. Two days later, there was a lump on the left side of my neck. I went to the doctor because I thought that I might have torn a muscle. The doctor said it wasnt a torn muscle and he sent me to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist. That doctor decided to do a surgical biopsy and lo and behold I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma, Stage II Type A Nodular Sclerosis. This means that the tumors have spread to both sides of my body but no further than my chest. Type A means that I have no symptoms and Nodular Sclerosis is the sub class. There are four sub-classes.

So we can all thank God for exercise because whatever I did I dislodged the tumor and it surfaced. Because I had no symptoms, who knows how long it would have taken for me to be diagnosed.

On December 7th, I had a Port-A-Cath inserted into my abdomen. They will use this to administor the chemo so that they dont have to pierce a vein everytime I go. The port is uncomfortable but not unbearable.

I started chemo on December 9th. It is called ABVD. Adriamycin, Bleomycin, Vinblastin and Dacarbazine. That is the poison that will now be given to me every other Thursday for the next 6 months.

Eamon and I shaved my head so that I dont have to be traumatized by my hair falling out. We bought a wig as well, however, it itches the hell out of me so I am not wearing it anymore. Some people look at me funny on the street but screw them, they dont know what I am going through.

Chemo sucks. I feel really BLAH. The only word that can desribe it. I am tired, have no energy, and the tips of fingers are numb. That is from the Vinblastine. The doctor says it will go away once chemo is done. It is nerve damage not a circulation problem. It can happen in my toes too but I have been lucky so far.

Was supposed to have my third chemo on January 6th but when the chemo nurse flushed my Port with saline, it felt like someone stabbed me in my incision that is by my collarbone. The doc had to open me up there so he could put the tube into my vein. So anyway, no chemo because they think my vein separated from the tube. They dont know. Went for a chest x-ray on Friday the 7th and will see the surgeon on Monday morning. Dont know what is going to happen. I can only imagine having to go under the knife again to fix it. I guess we will have to wait and see.

I welcome your prayers and please feel free to sign my guestbook.

Also - please donate blood and platelets and PLEASE become a bone marrow donor. You have no idea how much you can help someone else. (especially you Hispanic people, they need your bone marrow!)

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