History

Wow...it has been forever since I logged on here. It is a lot harder to access with all their changes. Sorry it has been so long. Our life has been kind of a roller coaster with Beau for the last 9 months. I had many thoughts of what may be causing his problems...but was wrong. I thought he was having stomach pains and headaches because of a couple boys in his class. His school year started off really rough and didn't seem to be getting any better. By mid October, I simply couldn't take any more. After he crawled through my seats to the back of our vehicle because I was taking him to school...I decided enough was enough and must be time for a change. Besides the kids being jerks, there was another kid with issues in his class. He has a learning/life impairment and constantly was disrupting the class. Plus, everyday he had to go by the cemetery where Gage was. I didn't really think about that until the day he crawled through my car and I took him to Alliance with me. I always wave the I love you sign at the cemetery, so how it wouldn't consciously be with him would be a miracle. Some things you just don't think about. Around the same time he was having so many troubles, my office manager at work had to leave unexpectly for her pregnancy, so left me in a I guess panic because I had to train somebody my job and learn most of hers on my own. It was pretty stressful and crappy...the main reason I didn't write. Not a lot of positive was flowing if you know what I mean. Beau started a new school with continued stomach pain. We had found out in August that he was insulin resistant and they had started him on a new medicine called Metformin that has side effects of stomach pain. This is what I was putting my stock in...until the fevers started. The previous year he had H pylori that had gone undiagnosed for several doctor appts. so I had his Dr. test him for that again. It was negative. He then had bronchitis and then right after that what they thought was the swine flu. A week or so after that they did a chest xray to rule out pneumonia and then a sinus scan and then a ultrasound that said he had non alcoholic fatty liver disease. They scheduled us an appt. for a doctor not with Children's...becuase I didn't want to go down that road. He performed an upper endoscopy on Beau and said he had irritation of the esophagus and had him continue his prevacid. Meanwhile the fevers and stomach aches continued. They did a CT scan and found that he had mesenteric adenitis. On New Years, his fever went up to 103* and we ended up scheduling an appt with Children's gastroenterology. We did another CT scan which came back again with mesenteric adenitis. They finally ordered some stool samples which came back positive for campylobacter. He went to Children's and we were in hopes he was still having symptoms from Campylobacter at the visit as we had just found out a few weeks prior. After we got back they did another stool sample and he was negative for Campylobacter. He continued with the fever, tummy aches, head aches, tired and Gastro suggested we go to Infectious Disease. I decided after reading tons of stuff online, which is probably never a good idea if you are a worrier like me, and thought I would have them test him for mono again and epstein barr. Well, 2 weeks ago the mono came back positive. Has it been going on all this time??? I don't know. Is that why he keeps getting weird viruses??? Once again I don't know. Needless to say, he is still having tummy pains, headaches and we are off to Denver to Children's on Tuesday. I have 13 interviews tomorrow to fill the job that was filled in September fun, fun... so my roller coaster continues. I forgot to mention somewhere in there that he went to the new school for possibly a combined 5 days maybe...and has been homeschooling since the first of the year. Luckily, my position at work has allowed me to change my hours from 7:30-1:30 which allows me to get home and actually see the husband for 20 minutes before he goes to work and then spend the afternoon with Beau. Beau did awesome in the beginning but has really fought me lately on studying. I have got him starting to read a new author I love, so hopefully I can get him addicted to reading like me. I think he is sick of being sick, bored out of his gourd and just kind of mad at life. I know he gets mad about Gage passing away and doesn't even want to go to the cancer camp he has gone to for the last several years because he doesn't want to be around anybody with cancer. It makes him uncomfortable. I hope this is just a stage of grief and he gets back to not being afraid of cancer. It is a beast but it doesn't get to win! He does some days seem to be feeling lots better, than the next, not as well. He is camping and turkey hunting with Grandpa and Grandma Edwards as I type. He needed a long overdue outing. He went with cousins last weekend to a monster truck show and had lots of fun, however with their 4 kids he decided he never wants kids. Too funny. He is used to being in quiet..he is usually the noise in the room! Hopefully Tuesday brings a conclusion to this story. I hate illness and really hate it when it affects my kids. I just want him to feel good, lose some weight and enjoy life!

I noticed a lot of the links on here have expired. I am not on my computer with the cheat ways for me to load things, so I will have to do that another time. I am and will always still be making bears!!! I need to upload some pics. Anybody have suggestions besides rock you and slide?

We will be doing our annual Relay For Life in Guernsey Wyoming again as Gage's Hug Club. I know my aunt was working on the web page but I don't think she has it ready yet. We will be doing a bake sale in conjuction with the relay with proceeds going to a cancer patient for expenses.

Otherwise...no a lot new. Life is a roller coaster. I suppose we would get bored if it weren't, but I could take some boredom. Sometimes I wonder who looks at the Heather meter to see just how much she can take before she breaks! I wouldn't mind it if it meant an ocean and a beach...not padded walls.

I promise I will try to update links and pictures soon. Need to put some of Beau and his new doggy on too.

I finally redid Gage's room last August on his birthday. I painted it a cheery yellow for my little sunshine and added frames and an airplane. I have a cricut and want to make some Gageisms...for it. ie., Would you like a hug, Guess what chicken butt, Family is most important Any other suggestions? I will have to post pics when I get it completed. I notice I start a lot lately without the complete part getting done.

Hi Gage....Missing you tons as always. Sometimes it seems like you were just a part of my imagination. I am so glad you got to be part of my life. I feel so lucky to get to have had you. I see kids your age and it just seems unreal that you would have already been 13. Where did all the time go? I am glad it goes by fast though because it means I am closer to getting to you. I love you so much. Great big hugs and kisses buddy!!!!Can't wait to see you on the flip side!

Hi all,
Sorry it has been so long again. Thank you to everybody thinking of us on the 12th and caring as always...we really do appreciate it and it does touch our hearts to know that people aren't forgetting our sweetie. It is so hard to imagine he would turning 13 in only 6 short days. I don't feel old enough to have a teenager. I try to imagine what he would be like know but I just can see what I remember. I went to a wedding this weekend and wiggled and squirmed trying not to cry thinking, I will never get to see Gage do this either. A mom in front us kept wiping her eyes...which didn't help but because things happen they way they do...I found out she had been crying thinking the same thing. They sat at our table and I found out she had lost her son when he was only 6 months old. They were from another town and it happened 20 years ago, but she felt the same way I did. It is a miracle how people are brought together. I have been doing a pretty good job hiding and stomping down emotions until I met them. Tears fell....
On to other news...Gage's 4th annual blood drive will be again this Friday. My sweet friend Michelle is going to help me make some awesome home made Cinnamon Rolls...so get out and donate! They are filling up on appts. already which is really cool. I think we have done it long enough people are getting in the habit of donating for Gage! I was driving to work a few weeks ago and a weird idea popped into my head for a fundraiser...ugly porch trolls. I am sure Gage somehow helped me think of it. It is something goofy he would like. They make you laugh. Anyway, I took some tomato cages, milk jugs and duct tape and created their frames and then my sweet nieces helped me paper mache when we went camping (got some curious people).href=http://www.starherald.com/articles/2009/07/22/hemingford_l
edger/news/doc4a677b8fc6268169108893.txt>trolls Can't get it to linkg...copy and paste. They are now visiting Alliance and Hemingford to raise money for Make A Wish. I hope it is successful! I dropped them off Friday and I know the Hemingford one had travelled to 4 houses already. Crossing my fingers it helps...the economy has hit everything it seems.
Beau has had a busy summer. Baseball season just got over. Wish it would have been better for him. He doesn't want to go out for Football now, but that is great with us because it leaves more time for camping! It seems childhood and summers both go by to fast. School starts in only 4 short weeks...I hope he has a good year. I think they are only going to have 1 teacher for I believe 29 kids...not what they are used to. He is still growing...almost most taller than me but not quite yet!
I have had a interesting summer. I hurt my shoulder lifting something to high and probably too heavy around Christmas last year. I tried taking some medicine to help but that didn't work. I got a cortisone shot which turned out to be horrible...she missed and hit bone, backed out missed and hit the other bone and finally got it where it was suppose to go...I think. I was in more pain following that for a few days than I was to begin with. A few weeks...I think...after that I started getting pretty tired and just kept feeling like I was coming down with a flu..aches, pains...you know like your getting the flu. They put me on an antibiotic for sinusitus and again and about a month later for sinusitus and finally did some blood work at my request. My WBC was 15,500 and they are not sure why...thought it was probably my sinuses. I asked for a CT and guess what...not my sinuses but we really don't know what is causing it. I think he thinks it is my shoulder inflammation and was going to wait until I am done with PT to see if better. I just hope when I have another check on Thursday they are back down so I can donate for Gage's blood drive. I started PT for my shoulder...not sure if it is getting any better but at least a few times kind of got a massage out of it...that felt good. I told the people I work with "I think I'm in love". I think insurance should just cover a massage once a week and people would be a lot healthier...or at least more relaxed!
Justin is same old..same old. Getting greyer...so cute! He has had lots of vacation this summer and will hopefully be helping put a well in soon...our grass is getting BROWN.
Not much else. We miss our sweetie as always...that will never change.
Please keep my friend Karen, our CB friend Rob and all the caringbridge families high in your thoughts and prayers. Cancer is a scary beast.
I wish it didn't exist!
Hi sweetie,
We miss you as always. It is so hard to believe you would have been 13 already. It doesn't seem that long ago since we brought you home and rocked you. We love you and miss you to infinity!!!Great big hugs and kisses!!!Can't wait to see you on the flip side buddy.

Hi all. Hope all are well. We are coming up on the Brain Tumor walk this weekend. It will be exciting to be part of it. Hopefully the jackets with Believe in Miracles will be done before it. I will have to post pics. It has been kind of a tough week. There is a song about bring on the rain but I think I need bring on the sunshine. This is kinda weird and maybe to personal but maybe some other angel family has gone through it. We always go to the cemetery on Sundays...the day Gage passed away. Well we went there this weekend and I literally felt like sombody had punched me, Beau was freaking out and ...like I said it personal, weird, selfish...I don't know but there was a fresh grave by Gage. When your not expecting it...it freaks you out. Beau was screaming, cussing, punching the car...all the things I felt like doing. Luckily...Justin has strength and was trying to console us with Gage was a people person...he liked people around etc. To get the picture I guess is..Gage's class put a tree by the road...there are 4 plats or spots behind the tree that we felt were to close to the road when snow and plow season come along so we bought Gage's plot, the one to the left and 2 to the right. I guess I knew there were others but you just don't expect to go and visit I guess and see a fresh grave right in front of your son. Like I said...selfish I know but it just freaked Beau and I out. I don't know if it brought back memories, we felt like our area was invaded or what. Beau just kept saying I come up here to see my brother and there is blankity, blank, blank blank...it was pretty bad...He said he wasn't going back and they should dig the other person up and move them etc. Started...my sad week I guess. One of my Make A Wish fellow grantors came into work yesterday and told me she has breast cancer. She has already had a double mastectomy and has chemo now. My heart goes out to her completely because I know second hand what hell chemo is.I hope and pray she makes it through everything okay. Even though we were there...it is just so hard to know what to say. You want to say it really blanking sucks and its not fair but that doesn't help anything or anybody...so you just try to stay positive. I think all this, it being June and just everything has us a little on the sensitive side. I sure miss my Gage!!!He was definitely a huge part of my sunshine.
Okay...enough with the sad stuff. We have almost reached our goal of $1000.00. You can just go to denverwalk.org and look up team Believe in Miracles to watch out progress. I am excited to get away for weekend and try to have some fun. I know Beau is excited for camp but I know I am going to miss him. I will just have to exercise!

Please keep Zoie in your payers as she has scans tomorrow.

Hi sweetie. We miss you and love you to infinity!!!

Wow...I tried updating the other night and must have been really tired. I couldn't figure out how to get on the page. It has been awhile. Only 3 more weeks of school! Yea! Beau is excited for summer to start. He is looking forward to branding, wapiyapi, fishing with Grandpa and Levi and camping. I am looking forward to some sunshine...to much cold, rainy, snowy dreary days...I need some sun! Justin is getting ready to leave on Sunday for two weeks of school in Kansas City. It has been awhile since he has gotten to go, so I think he is excited. I know he would like us to go to, but school and work. We are going to be taking part in the National Brain Tumor Society walk in Denver this year. It is the first year we have gotten to take part so it should be fun. It was originally called the Angel Adventure but not sure of the official name now. Our team is
http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/goto/believeinmiracles

If you would like to donate or join our team please go to the link above! I am going to have a friend make some pullover jackets for our team so the sooner I know the better. I think I will have her put Believe in Miracles and some angel something or other with Gage's initials. It looks like they are only going to be about $23.00 each and they will be pretty nice. I'm excited. I am planning to do a bake sale/craft sale fundraiser May 16th in Hemingford somewhere...not sure on the location yet but I will be up there. If anybody would like to help bake, I would love the help! What else...hmmm, I have 5 bears to make, 3 Grandpa, and 2 for fundraisers. There is a little guy in Alliance they are having an upcoming fundraiser for. They were able to save the stem cells from the new baby and are going to get them transplanted to hopefully, cross your fingers help him. I am trying to get some stuff to go with a Husker bear and then I am hoping to get some dance class passes to go with a Ballerina bear. I will post pics when I get the baskets done and hopefully get all the other hundreds of bears posted again. It's a bummer the links don't last forever, such a pain.
Well, I better log off. I will keep updating the walk. I have a Big Green Egg Cook Off at work tomorrow so should probably get to bed. Beau went to a B-Day party tonight and still isn't home 11:02...I can't wait for high school to come, not. I see many late night in my future.
Funny thing of the week...I was grilling and didn't "burp" my Big Green Egg when it's temp was high and had a fireball in my face. Singed bangs, eyebrows and lashes...stunk like a branding. But at least I thought it was funny. The baked potatoes and steak were worth it!

Hope all are well and you all have a great weekend! Please keep all the CB families in your thoughts and prayers.

Hi Gage,
We sure miss ya honey. I got the prettiest flowers of all the rainbow to put at the cemetery. They had some neat butterflies and bumblebees so I will put them on the bouquet too. Hopefully they don't fly away like your airplane die. We sure love you to infinity!!!Great big hugs and kisses!!!!

Please click Amanda's link above and keep her high in your prayers!

Hi all...
I know...once again it has been forever since I updated. We made it through the holidays and past February...I think for me the worst month of the year. Valentine's day will never be the same, wish hallmark would just skip it. Too many sad memories. This last week has been pretty hard on our small town. A child who has fought a lifelong battle has gone on to heaven and so graciously donated so much to help others. I can't even imagine the impact his donations have made on so many others. It is awe inspiring. Another young child has moved on to heaven also this week and is just heartbreaking for his family. Living in a small town you know everybody. It has it's blessings and its non rewards too. My heart just aches for them tonight and I can't seem to stop crying. I think much to close to home..or heart, whatever you want to call it. I was digging through some grief books for a co-worker whose kids were close to the ones that have passed away trying to help. Well...all those are mixed in with our funeral stuff too. I couldn't help but pick up Gage's funeral book..the things we did at his funeral. I laughed and cried though...Beau probably thinks I am crazy. "What you laughing about...what are you crying about." I was laughing at the entry someone had made about my Grandma. It said that they asked Gage who won and he said he let Grandma win because he was tired of playing. He also said he was tired...from all the interviews and autographs. Little Mr. Famous. I forget sometimes just how funny he was. One of the guys at work said boo today. I said boo who...he said it's just a joke, you don't have to cry. That was one of the Joke's Gage liked to tell alot. His other favorite... so he could cuss...What did the fish say when he swam into the wall...dam! He was always the jokester. Last week at work we were talking and remembering about the kid who had passed away and I was trying to keep my "tough mask" and the song I can only Imagine came on. Needless to say...there were tears and my mask cracked. Yesterday, Beau came home from school early with a tummy ache and Justin had to go get him. Well, he let Buddy out earlier and when they got home they couldn't find him anywhere. They searched for about 3 hours and I called to see how Beau was doing. He said they were looking for Buddy and couldn't find him. So, I am sitting there at work, with nobody else and just about 1 minute after I hang up...what song comes on, I Can Only Imagine. I definitely believe there are still signs from our little sweetheart. After an hour of stress and slipping tears I came home to see if I could find him. I had it pictured in my head him dead on the highway, the neighbors dogs killed him like they do the cats or he drowned in one of the ponds. Well, I hopped on my dirtbike, rode over to my next door neighbors, my mom, and tried to follow his morning route. I stopped by the chickens and then checked out the cats. I opened the door to the shop building, and guess who jumped on me as soon as I opened the door. Yep, Buddy. I found him in less than 5 minutes. Urghh. You gotta love stress. But I guess what has stood at to me the most in all of this is coming across the poem we read at Gage's funeral. It stands so true and I think it was meant for me to come across and share again...

The Dash

The following is a poem by Linda Ellis � 1998. Consider the implications for your own life's choices

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning to the end.
He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own; the cars .... the house... the cash.
What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard ... are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left. (You could be at "dash mid-range")

If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more,
And love the people in our lives like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile...
Remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read with your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash??

It is just so true. I hope I am spending my dash the right way. I do wonder...okay God, what am I suppose to do next. There are lots of things I would like to do and many ideas but then I think about how it will impact me, will I be able to follow through. The thing I would like most is to be able to start a compassionate friends for the other adults I know hurting and for all the kids I know that are hurting too. I sit here thinking about a person I knew but wasn't good friends with last year who lost her son. Is she feeling this same slam of emotions I am? Is she reliving the pain too? I never have contacted her...I even did worse, I avoided her one day because I didn't want to let the pain in. With everything that has happened in this last week, last year, last 3 years I know there are many aching hearts in our area. My fear is to start it and it be too much for me to handle because I know I wear a mask to hide the pain and I work hard...really, really hard to bury that pain. It almost seems like it has become harder to share that pain with others. I think as time has passed on I have tried to lock it in...another reason I probably don't write more journal entries. A huge part of me would like to close the page and just put Gage's last day on, but then there is another part of me that knows other families still check this page and I feel like it is important for them to see that life can and does move on. Families can and do stick together through the good times and the bad. At times it is good and at times it sucks and is really, really hard. It always seems to be the times when you are down that something happens and it is like being kicked when you are already down. Luckily, I inherited the stubborn fight from both my parents though and have been able come up fighting. I want Gage's memory to stay out there, his diagnosis and treatment to be known...all in hopes that it will help other families. The worst part of journaling is judgement from other people that have no idea. I was reading Gage's guestbook and was so sick and sad that a mom had to change her child's page because people were rude to their family. If you are reading this Sue, please send Lenzie's new CB link. It is sad that with so much pain already in the world, people have to add with it their meanness. I guess that is just another sign of more pain. This sounds like doom and gloom, but it is not. It is just a reminder out there, to everybody, remember your dash. Gage's was awesome! I am so proud and thankful he was part of ours!

Please keep all the CB families in your thoughts and prayers.

Hi sweetie. I talk to you every night anyway but here is more of the same. I hope heaven is absolutely wonderful. I hope you have met so many great people to share those hugs, laughter and jokes with. I hope you get to play games with the Grandparents and everything is beautiful. I love you to infinity. Great big hugs and kisses. Can't wait to see you on the flipside! God, if Gage can't hear me, please tell him everything I said and give him a great big hug for me!

Hi All!
Hope all are well. I finally figured out how to get this on the page without changing Gage's Photo at top. I am getting better with computers...scary. I called Justin but figured it out without him. Yea! We are hoping to have a great turnout. The show looks really cute. We are also going to be doing a raffle drawing that day. Tickets are available at Edward D. Jones office in the Heritage Mall. They are only $1. There are some really nice prizes in there. We will draw after the movie and have people choose there baskets on a first come, first serve basis. There is a MP3 player, massage, 10 tanning session, pizzas, gas coupons, free movies and so much more. Hope all can attend!
We are doing pretty good. Those in our shoes know how the holidays are. One minute okay...next tears. I both love and despise putting up Christmas. It is something the boys and I did together all the time. Lots of school crafts and gifts from them...makes me sad...and happy. We sure miss our sweetie.

Beau is now a whopping 10 years old. It is amazing how fast they grow up. Beau has seemed older anyways because of everything and just how big he is. I still would love to have another baby...seems like Gage grew up to fast because of cancer and then Beau had to also. I don't even remember Beau being little. I look at pictures and just want to go back to those days and cherish every second.
I have been keeping busy with the Make A Wish movie and raffle thing, making bears, working, christmas stuff, my new fun toy that cuts pretty much anything (cricut..so much fun) and I am doing a purse party on Friday night. So busy as usual. I am going to start taking Thursdays off so I can see Justin. The weekend is the only time we both get to see Justin because he works afternoons, so I will get a day during the week and hopefully that will help Beau and Justin with their time on the weekends. Life just goes by fast. We have to cherish what we can...and appreciate it to. WE DO.

I hope you all have a blessed and Merry Christmas. I will try to update with how the event turns out. I am crossing my fingers for it to go well. We are inviting the wish families also, so it will be nice to see the kiddos again.
Please keep all the CB families in your hearts, minds and prayers.

Hi Gage...
We sure miss you honey. Keep looking back at old pictures as I scrapbook. We definitely had some great times. Wish we had only more. Miss you and love you to infinity!!!Great big hugs and kisses!

Hi all,
I know, I know. It has been forever since I updated. Sorry. Here are some of the newest pics of bears I have done recently. Some are duplicates but I was trying to hurry. knock on door. Lovely. If someone comes to your door and asks if you use baking soday...say no. It is the Kirby sales guy. Hint if your a kirby salesperson...smelling like smoke and having tatooes probably not a good choice when you want to clean someone's house. A hard living I am sure. At least I didn't waste his time listening to his spill...or however you spell it. You would think living in the country would deter these fella's in the dark. Anyway...we are doing pretty good. Not much new. Beau is in 4th grade this year and loving his sub and his current 4th grade teacher. He had a few bad days but hopefully they will continue to be few and farther between. I took him to a christian concert Sunday night that featured Phil Joel. It was a really good concert and the plus side is Beau really liked his music! It is so much better than him trying to listen to 50 cent and all kinds of other stuff he doesn't need to listen too. He is growing like a weed. I would say probably another 1 1/2 inches and he will have me passed. Not saying much at 5'1 but he is only 9. It is really weird having him this age. It was the age Gage was going to be when he passed away. Makes me wonder more now what Gage would look like and the things he would like. I did a Scrapathon MakeAWish fundraiser this weekend. I think I scrapped for a total of 20 hours and tried to just focus on Beau's pictures. There isn't much except for the last 3 years without his big brother in them. Gage was so proud of Beau when he was born. It is really neat and sad to look back at all the pictures of Gage holding him and being his big brother. I am sure Gage is still looking over him. Tears, tears...time to change the subject. We are working at getting some Make A Wish fundraisers going in our area. We have granted I believe 8 wishes in Box Butte County in just the past few years so we are trying to raise some money to help with the costs of all the wishes we have been fortunate enough to grant. We are planning a movie matinee but all the details are not in place yet so it is pending. We might possibly have some photo fundraiser...but like the movie, nothing set in stone. I will keep everyone posted...I guess the ones who still check anyway. Justin is still on the crappy afternoon shift. It sucks because he only gets to see Beau and I on the weekend, but on the other hand...thank goodness he has a job that pays well enough and has good health benefits. Two things we will never take for granted. Beau does struggle with not seeing him except for Saturday and Sunday but me the ever optimistic person reminds him at least his parents are still married and he gets to see us both. He doesn't get my brighter side of things...at least he doesn't seem to like them when I point them out. Besides that, I am still working at Jack's Refrigeration and we are still moving stuff around and into the new building. We are still really busy but,I guess that is good though...job security. I have 19 bears on order now that I plan on tackling this weekend. They should turn out cute. Hope all are well. Please keep all the CB families in your thoughts and prayers. Love your families and keep them top on your list of priorities...they are most important as Gage would always say.

Hi Gage,
We love you and miss you sweetie. Looking back through all those pictures brought back so many memories. We had lots of good times camping and with all our family and friends. We sure were extremely blessed to have you as our son. People comment frequently about your picture I have at work...what a handsome guy you are! You were that and a whole lot more Gage. Great big hugs and kisses buddy!!! We love you to infinity!!!!

Saturday, August 2, 2008 0:18 AM CDT

Happy Birthday Gage!

We celebrated Gage's memory with a blood drive today. It went pretty well and will hopefully be able to help lots of people. Gage would have liked that. Thank you to all those that donated whether time, cookies or blood...it is all appreciated! I sit here thinking...wow, Gage would have been 12. It doesn't seem possible. It seems like it has gone so fast. I guess that is a good thing. I wonder what he would look like now. I watch his classmates and my cousins kids who shared a birthday the same month as Gage and wonder just how big he would be? Which girl he would have a crush on...or more like how many. He had crushes years ago. I wonder what his interests would be? Would they have changed that much or would they be the same? Would he still be the jokester? Would he still be spreading all the hugs? I know he would be spreading all his happiness because in a way he still does. All I do know is that we miss him terribly and just wish they would cure all these stupid childhood cancers so no other child or family would have to go through what we have. To look back now for me is surreal...kind of like a movie...a scary movie. But, we keep moving on. Life is just like that I guess. We miss him everyday and always will until we are together again.

I found a new CPC cutie that can use your support and prayers. Go to "visit caringbridge page" and paste thomasrodacker . Please keep him as well as all the other caringbridge families in your prayers.

Happy 12 Birthday Gage!!!!! WE sure love you and miss you. Great big hugs and kisses!!!

A Birthday In Heaven
~Written by Kris Smith

I heard you crying yesterday
And felt your heart-sent love
So I'm sending you this message
Now, from Heaven up above.

You're wondering if I'll celebrate
My birthday (way up here)
I know you're missing me today
I feel your essence near.

God planned a special day for me
He told me with a wink
He'd ordered me a special cake
(It's Angel food, I think)

I'm getting lots of hugs from God
He's really good at that
And every time that I walk by
He gives my head a pat

Balloons will fill the streets for me
They float up through the clouds
And we have lots of clowns up here
That make us laugh out loud

There is a birthday carousel
Jeweled horses ride the wind
With music playing oh so sweet:
The magic never ends

I've made so many friends, you see
We laugh and play and sing
We ride our bikes and play jump rope
And sleep in Angel's wings

We'll have our cake and ice cream
And open gifts, surprise!
But we don't blow out our candles here
Instead, they light the skies!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008 11:41 PM CDT

Forever in our Hearts

A million times we needed you,
A million times we cried,
If love alone would have saved you,
You would of never died.

In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still,
In our hearts you hold a place,
No one can ever fill.

A light from our household is gone,
A voice from our love is stilled,
A place in our vacant home,
Which never can be filled.
Some may think you are forgotten,
Though on earth you are no more,
But in our memory you are with us,
As you always were before.

It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you did not go alone,
A part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.

Your precious memories are for keepsakes,
with which we never part,
God has you safely in his keeping,
But we have you forever in our hearts

Gage we miss you so, so much. Our family is definitely missing a link that can never be replaced. Thank you for being such an awesome child, brother and friend. Your kindness, love and laughter will fill our hearts forever. We love you and miss you to infinity!!!!Great big hugs and kisses!

Sunday, April 27, 2008 10:35 PM CDT

Hello all....
Hope all are doing well. We have been keeping kind of busy and kind of lazy lately. We have learned a new to us any way form of entertainment called geo-caching. Kind of fun and good exercise sometimes. We will definitely have to do more when it gets warmer. Beau is on a countdown of school days. I think it was something like 18. He is eager to get the year over with. He will have a couple days off and then go with my dad to the Peterson Branding and then plans to fish for the week I guess. We are still waiting to find out about his group for Wapiyapi and what color he will be. I picked the week that is actually of Gage's 3 year anniversary for passing away. Not sure it was the smartest but imagine it will be harder for me than Beau anyway and he probably won't know the date while he is at camp. Beau is getting taller and taller. We bought him some shoes last weekend that were just a little to big and they were a size 9. I see he is growing out the back of his slip ons and can't wait to see those lazy shoes go. He wears them in the snow, the mud and I even caught him riding his motorcycle with them today. Not safe. He has finally gotten over giving the found dog back and hasn't asked for another one lately so hopefully that is out of his mind...one is enough.
I finally made it to a compassionate friends meeting. It was really pretty nice. I and another lady who lost her brother in the war are going to try and get one started in Alliance. We need a couple more people to get it started and then we can move forward. Part of me is I guess the word is scared because I just sometimes don't want to share the pain but the other part knows it would be good for me and I know it would help others. I just don't know. I have had some really bad and weird dreams lately so not sure if stirring up emotion part of it, the full moon or my coworker losing her Grandpa but just some sad dreams. CB probably not the place to go before I go to sleep either but it is a part of me so....please keep Talia high, high in your prayers. She is going to Disney World to meet Cinderella. I hope it is just extremely magical for her and her mom. Another little fighter has lost her battle also. Please keep Lily and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

I found a sight I guess I looked at before and then found again. There was a link for signs your child might have cancer.
Eight Warning Signs of Possible Childhood Cancer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Physicians should be alert to any unusual symptoms that persist:

Continued, unexplained weight loss

Headaches with vomiting in the morning

Increased swelling or persistent pain in bones or joints, sometimes accompanied by limping

Lump or mass in abdomen, neck or elsewhere

Development of a whitish appearance in the pupil of the eye or sudden changes in vision

Recurrent fevers not due to infections

Excessive bruising or bleeding (often sudden)

Noticeable paleness or prolonged tiredness

Some things so close to others. We thought Gage had sinusitis. I know another girl who thought she had pulled a muscle. Another friend thought they had a bad flu. If only they would have really been those things....3 years in June, hard to believe.

Please continue to keep all the families at sharethelove.org in your thoughts and prayers.

Hi sweetie,
We miss you and love you so much Gage. Your birds have been flying everywhere buddy. Beau let out a laugh today that sounded so much like you I couldn't believe it. He is growing up so fast...too fast. I found the letters you wrote to us all again when I was looking for Buddy's shot record. You were such a great artist and had such a sweet heart. We love you and miss you to infinity. Great big hugs and kisses!!!

Sunday, April 13, 2008 8:36 PM CDT

Hello All,
Hope all are doing well. It has been awhile since I updated again. Seems like the days fly by...I am thankful for that. The sooner we are to Gage. The main reason I am updating tonight is ask for support and prayers for Talia. Her link is above. They have found new lesions and the doctors are talking about keeping her comfortable....news no parents want to ever hear. Please keep her high in your prayers. She is such a sweet fighter. I only can pray for miracles for all these kids. Words right out of Gage's mouth....I seem to be doing that alot lately. Lots of little Gageisms slipping out and I just have to laugh...he was witty and wise beyond his years. My boss's name is Greg and I know I have slipped up the last several weeks and said Gage instead of Greg. My little sweetie must be on my mind more than I know. I did one of the most awful things I think I have ever done about a week ago. A mom who recently lost her son was walking into Safeway and I (was actually "working, buying stuff for our noon meeting")was walking in behind her. I know her because she was a client of mine before and oddly had just seen her the week previous to her son's passing. Someone else had stopped her at the door and hugged her and another lady was walking up so I side stepped and walked around. I still can't believe I did that and I feel like such a jerk but later I saw her in the store walking as fast as she could and I know she just wanted to get the heck out of there. I remember bypassing Alliance as much as I could because I didn't want to run into people and have them say anything to me or feel sorry for me or I don't even no how to explain it, but I just wanted to be left alone, but not really. You can't explain it. I guess it is easier to keep your "mask on" with people you don't know but people you do know just make you break down and cry which stupidly, to me is embarrasing. So..long story short, I felt like a jerk but another reminder that I do need to work on my goal of a local compassionate friends. I am going with a coworker's wife this Tuesday to see how it works in Chadron and to see if I am strong enough for this yet. Some days yes and some days no...there doesn't seem to be anyway. But, I am going to try. We will see how it goes.
Beau was a lucky duck and had 2 snow days this week. He loved having extra days off. I am finally getting some Lasik done on my eyes if I can stand the 3 weeks with glasses instead of contacts. I haven't wore my glasses for more than a couple hours since I was 13. Hopefully I can see well enough to drive! Justin is acutally going to see the same eye Dr. that did Gage's eyes in Denver. He has always had some amblyopia but it seems to be bothering him more now, so hopefully they can do something about it.
We are having a Make A Wish meeting here in April so if there is anybody in Box Butte County wanting to sign up to help, give me a call. We need to do some kind of fundraising in our area and I think I came up with a fun family type activity that might work out. We will see. I will let everyone know about it if we decide to do it. Otherwise, just living day to day. Our new building is up for my work...just needs a roof and finishing on the inside and will be ready to move in. My dad is planning a fishing trip for my nephew Levi and Beau on the Missouri river up by my grandparents place. Sounds like they will fish for a few days and then will help with branding. Beau has Camp Wapiyapi a couple weeks after that and plans on being in baseball again. I would like to get a team together in Denver for Brent's Place as they have a volleyball fundraiser the same weekend we pick Beau up from Wapiyapi. I haven't signed up yet though...plenty of observers just not hearing anybody say, yea, I want to play! We will figure it out though...should be fun. Well I should probably go do dishes...lucky me.

Please keep all the families from sharethelove.org in your constant thoughts and prayers. I sure hope they find some cures soon. It is just so stinking sad.

Hi sweetie,
Miss you and love you as always. Grandma said she has seen your bird again. Must fly around when I am at work. I have been using lots of your little sayings lately. I thought I had forgotten them but they just slip right out of my mouth. We sure miss you buddy. Great big hugs and kisses. We love you to infinity!!!!

Saturday, March 15, 2008 10:54 PM CDT

Make a free ecard - it's easy!

Make a scrapbook - it's easy!

Bear Story

First Bear Story

Hello all...hope all are doing well. Seems like it has been a long while since I updated last. It took me longer to make pictures and add them to Gage's page then it does to make a bear! See...I have been busy. To look back at the first story and think of how far we come, how many hundreds of bears I have made and how many of Gage's sweet precious hugs are out there...seems unreal. I sure miss my little sweetie. It just amazes me to still look at all the spirit Gage had going through all those horrendous treatments. He was such a tough , inspiring, ornery but sweet little guy. I sure miss him....
Beau is doing well. Getting taller and taller...I think he has 3 more inches before he outgrows me. We decided to join WW about a week and half ago and he is doing awesome...9 lbs so far and combined we have lost 16! Hopefully this is the ticket to help him be healthy. I should but don't care so much about myself, just want Beau to be a healthy weight and to enjoy his young years. He only has school on Monday and half of Tuesday and then they have a total of 7 days off. He can't wait. It sounds like we might get some major snow...so maybe he won't have school at all. I doubt the kids are that lucky...Our little pub Buddy turns 4 next week on Brittney's birthday. Seems like the years have flown since he was just a little pup for Gage. He is still like a pup, loves to play, beg for whatever we are eating and actually can sit, shake and rollover. If you have a treat he is really fast! Not much else new around here. I just recently finished 9 bears and still am working full time, Justin still working afternoons and Beau is still Beau...100 percent boy with bruises to prove it. He is lucky he has good bones. Well, hope everybody is doing well and that you all have a Happy St. Patrick's Day followed by a wonderful Easter.
Please keep all the kids at sharethelove.org in your thoughts and prayers.

Hi sweetie. We sure miss you bud. We found some pretty flowers and a cute noise making bunny to bring to the cemetery. I don't know if you can see that from Heaven, but I hope you know how much we love you and wish we really could visit you! Buddy is going to be 4 already...I think you would have loved playing with him. Great big hugs and kisses!!!!Love you and miss you to infinity!!!!!!!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008 10:22 PM CST

Hello all....not a lot new here. We are all just trying to get past the bugs that keep going around. Beau stayed home yesterday, said he felt fine today and tonight has a fever again of 101 in one ear and 100 in the other. Not really any other symptoms. Weird flus this spring that just don't want to go away.

The main reason I am updating tonight is to have you go to Talia's site up above and offer her and her family thoughts and encouragement. She is one tough cookie but they have really been through alot these past several years. Also, a little girl by the name of Abby is making these cute little fairies to raise funds for Curesearch in honor of her friend Sadie passing away and also in honor of her friend Hannah who just recently relapsed. Please go to her site http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/abbybridgewater and order a fairy and then click on to Hannah and offer some prayers and support. It is just frustrating watching all these kiddos go through this.

Beau is excited to once again take part in a camp called Camp Wapiyapi. It is a camp in Colorado for kids and their siblings that have cancer. Beau went last year and enjoyed it and can't wait to go back again this year.

Hi sweetie,
Miss you like always. I got an invite to go do some grief scrapbooking in Denver...it is tempting just not sure I am ready to go through all you pictures yet. I ordered some cute border to put up in your room but Beau didn't really seem to like the idea so I guess we will leave it be for now. I ordered a cricut so maybe we will just make some of your favorite sayings and hang them up as a border instead....would you like a hug being one of my favorites. We sure love you and miss you to infinity times a trillion. Great big hugs and kisses!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, February 11, 2008 11:25 PM CST

Hello all...Hope everyone is doing okay...we are dealing with the flu bug here and sounds like it has spread all over...not just us.

I woke up at 3 this morning missing Gage like crazy. I could hear Beau coughing through the floor which probably didn't help so I should actually probably be in bed. I kept thinking...why today. February 11th was the last day Gage ever got to go to school. We had found out he relapsed the day before...and this was the day we never wanted to have to tell Gage had come. I remember he cried we hugged and then he wiped his tears and said he was going to kick cancer's butt...and he did. He won...no more pain for him ever again. So as I remember...lots of tears today. I stupidly signed up to do Beau's Valentine party but I guess I have to face some things sooner or later. I am not sure if it because I have been so sick...but I just feel weak and my defenses are down. I miss Gage so much. I can't believe it will be 3 years this summer since I held him in my arms, gave him a kiss and had one of Gage's wonderful hugs. Sometimes it just seems so unreal...sometimes when the pain is so bad I wish that it were. But then I realize, I would have never got to have Gage and that wouldn't be worth it. He was just an awesome kid. He was stubborn, strong, ornery, loving and the most caring person I have ever known. I was telling Beau (who stayed home with the flu) that there were things I just wish I could take back. It was because America's funniest home videos was on I think but sparked some memories that I wish I would have just taped instead of got mad at. ie...the time Gage poured laundry soap all over our new carpet, the time he and Beau spread cottage cheese all over the carpet--now that was hard to clean, the time he used the end tables to crack eggs....things that are funny now and wish I wouldn't have gotten mad at them for. I wish I could go back and get to be the mom I was for Gage for Beau...to have the time and patience to read and play and laugh and not have all the worry Beau has had to grow up with. I wish I could undo my hysterectomy and just suffered another 5 years so that we could still have more kids. I wish I would have taken more time with the kids and not worried about working on the house. So many things I would go back and do different...I suppose that is everybody though. I do know God blessed us with the extra years with Gage...for that I am eternally grateful.

Another couple of kids have passed away this last week to this horrible disease we call childhood cancer. Please keep Sadie and Madelyn's families in your prayers and may these precious little girls have the most fun in Heaven with those that have gone before them. So many kids...too many kids. My mom was saying she read or heard the statistic of childhood cancer cure was something like 90 percent...following the CB pages all I can say is where? So many relapses lately and when I check on the kids I checked on a year ago...about 3/4 of them have either relapsed of passed away. I was checking on another kids site when I read about Madelyn. Last time I checked she was doing fine. I just don't understand...I don't know if I ever will. They shouldn't have to suffer...it just doesn't seem right.

I hate being sick....it makes me more down than I like to be...it sucks. Gage was definitely stronger than I will ever be.

Please continue to think and pray for all the CB families. For the families that are fighting, for the families that have won, and for the families that are missing a link...one that could never be replaced.

Hi sweetie,
Missing you as always. I hope you know just how proud we all were of you. I dreamt of you last night. I don't remember what but it was nice to see you...just wish I could feel your hugs. I wonder what you would look like now...how big you would be. Beau stood on the hearth pad today and was eye to eye with me...2 more inches and we will be the same heigtht. I am guessing he probably would have grown taller than you because of all your treatments and I think you were given the Peterson frame and he got the Edwards frame. We all miss you Gage. Great big hugs and kisses. Love you to infinity!!!!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 11:22 PM CST

Hello all,
Just thought I would update on some families that could really use your support and prayers. These families have done some amazing and loving things for so many others fighting cancer.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sadielivers
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/hannahknudsen
http://www.caringbridge.org/ia/ethangrimm
All these families could really use some encouragement, prayer and support from all of Gage's faithful followers.

I can go to work...have a good day, kind of forget everything on a daily basis just like everybody else. It seems like it only takes a Caringbridge Page to bring me back to reality and makes me realize all the important things in my life. I already know them and appreciate them but when you get busy...I guess importance and life fly by at the same time and you can lose your sense. Gage was sure to tell everybody that family was most important and I can just still hear him saying that. So for that, I am forcing my sisters and parents together once a month for a family supper with everybody together. Gage would be happy and I know we will all love and cherish the time too. Actually some of the best times I can remember with Gage was having everybody here and just hanging out.

Please keep all the families listed above in your positive thoughts and prayers. I feel so bad for these families because I have walked in these shoes and the pain is just ...ugg...it just is horrid. Please keep them all high in your prayers and send them some encouraging words and support.

Hi sweetie,
We sure miss you Gage. I catch you in my dreams sometimes but then I just can't remember what they were about. I can also feel you in my heart so strong sometimes it feels like you just have your arms wrapped around me giving me those awesome Gage hugs. I found a border to put up in your room that has the smiley face sun on it you would always draw...just seemed to fit. We love you and miss you to infinity. Great big hugs and kisses!!!!!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008 8:28 PM CST

Hello all...wishing you all a Happy New Year. We had a wonderful Christmas with lots of family gatherings...remember 5 Christmases. It has sometimes felt overwhelming having that many Christmases but truly I am grateful. We are honored to get to share these days with so many family members and it helps to heal the hurt the holidays bring. Unfortunately, it floods after the holidays for me. As I am taking down the tree and wrapping all the precious ornaments I bought for Gage or that he made for us in school... it breaks my heart. I miss him so much and could really use a Gage hug. He has one ornament I couldn't even open and look at this year that they put their hand prints in. It was so precious. We go to the cemetery every Sunday still and sometimes it still seems so surreal. Could this have really happened to us? Justin and I both get this feeling...just hard to believe. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes like years ago...and the reality is it has been 2 1/2 years and our hearts just miss him so much still. I suppose a feeling that will never go away. Just a huge chunk missing out of your heart.
I have had a bad feeling lately that something bad is going to happen. I don't know why I get them and I hate it when I do because usually something does. We have 2 cousins that have gotten into some trouble, another who has gotten seperated but hopefully will work things out and get back together and then sadly another cousin's wife lost her Grandma last week. I went to the services and can honestly it was the best services I have ever been to for a funeral. I enjoy them so much more when they are about the person who passed on rather than a advertisement for the church you happen to be in the day of the funeral. They did a nice job of sharing her life and truly celebrating and honoring her memory. So...these bad things don't touch me directly but they still hurt because I care so much about our family and just don't want them hurting inside. But on the good and blessed side...one cousin has married and gained 3 boys, one is pregnant and one is going to have a baby soon. So I guess with all the bad...there is good. My mom always has said that for everything bad that happens, something good does too. I guess she is right again.
This sounds pretty down but it really is not suppose to be. I am doing pretty well, Beau is doing pretty well and Justin has even stopped smoking which is definitely a relief to me. I really don't want to see the cancer beast in our family ever again. I read on Alex's lemonade stand a mom's guestbook entry who had 3 kids get cancer...I can't even imagine. 2 lived and one passed away but the horror that poor lady has had to endure. I guess another subtle way of reminding you to count your blessings everyday and not take them for granted.
I am trying to make some plans for this next year to help with funding of some childhood cancer related causes. Not sure on the specifics but hoping to try somethings a little different. Thinking in terms of another lemonade stand, a gift drive and ofcourse the blood drive on Gage's Birthday. Sometimes I feel like I don't do enough to help with the Childhood Cancer cause but I guess I also feel limited our here in rural nowhere Nebraska...which by the way I love to live in.
A lot of kids could use your prayers right now. Please keep Sadie, Talia and Jacob T high in your prayers. You can also go to sharethelove.org and find so many more that could use your support and prayers...adopt a site!

Hi sweetie. We sure do miss you. I can't believe we have already spent 2 Christmases without you. I know you are in our hearts and we are surrounded by your love. I hope Heaven is everything we imagine it to be and that your Christmas was absolutely beautiful. I can see you playing cards and winning ofcourse with Grandpa Jake and Peterson and also Grandma Quick. I can imagine all the great jokes you have got to tell and all the friends you have made. I hope you get to meet Ashley and Tyler's Grandma and she gets to bake lots of goodies for you because it sounds like she was a great cook. I know you loved my cooking because you always said what a great cook I was. I miss cooking for you too. We love you to infinity!!!!Great big hugs and kisses!!!!Can't wait to see you on the flip side.

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