History

It is official...I am a licensed RN! I passed my NCLEX exam and now have my license in hand! I don't start my new job until July 11....I can't wait!

I will be starting on the Neurology unit at Baptist Hospital. Of course, I hope to eventually get to peds, but for some reason the Lord wants me to start in Neuro....I am sure I will learn and grow from that experience and when the time is right.....He will take me to my peds job....in His time! :)

I am so grateful to the Lord for getting me through this. I really feel that it was He that carried me through nursing school the past 3 years. I know that it is He that helped me pass the NCLEX as well.

Now, as we look for a new home....closer to my new job, I pray that He guide me to where He wants us to be. We had found a house that we absolutely loved....and really hoped that that would be the ONE....but today we found out it is under contract....but I am not disappointed...ok, maybe a little...but I do not want it to be "MY" will but "His will" that be done. He knows where we SHOULD be.....where we will be happiest and where we can best serve Him and do His will....therefore, I have to believe that He will take us to that place. If it is His will....it WILL BE DONE!!!! So, as I told the real estate guy... if it is His will...then the deal will fall through and it will become available at the exact time that we are ready to buy. If not....then He will make the right house available at that time. And I am sure that we will love it just as much....if not more!

I thank you all for all of your support and prayers these last few years. I especially thank you, Yolanda...I know that your prayers have been with me throughout it all...and I am soooooo blessed by you! Thank you so much for your support! Sorry I have not been there for you all...I hope to be more reliable now that I do not have to have my nose in a book all the time! :)

Love you all and God bless you now and always!

Love Yvonne

Oh, by the way, my graduation present from my husband was a gold heart shaped charm with mine and Leilani's color picture printed on it! It is so beautiful! I wear it everyday....where she is always close to my heart and where everyday everyone can see and remember my little princess!

Happy Belated Mothers Day to all Mommies!

I especially pray for the hurting mommies that are missing their little angels.

We had a good Mother's Day...went to church and then to a friends house who had a barbeque for his mom and sisters in honor of them for mothers day...he and his wife invited me as well. It was nice..... Ate too much of course. :)

Anyway, sometimes I just get to thinking how blessed my friends are to have a mother to honor on Mother's Day. My mom died when I was 9. My husbands mom died last year. I think I most missed having a mom when my children were growing up. So many people are able to have their moms watch the kids while they work or for certain occasions. But my husband and I never had that (his mom lived in another country). It was hard finding child care and someone you can trust. Needless to say, I am blessed. I think it made me closer with my children. Not only that....but the Lord blessed me with a "Spiritual Mom." After my mom died, my step father remarried and absolute ANGEL! She adopted my little brother and even unofficially adopted my older brother and I as hers even though we were living with our real father. Every weekend we would go visit them, and spend the day with my little brother. She would go to the cemetary each week and take flowers to my mothers grave. It wasn't until I was an adult and newly married when I realized what an amazing thing this was.....she would take flowers to her husbands dead wife! I called her and said "How can you do it?" and she tearfully responded "I will always be grateful to her....she gave me my children!!!" What a woman! I love her so much! To me, she is the true example of what a mother is. She is self sacrificing and has so much love to give! ANd she loves her children....so many of them (mostly adopted of course) unconditionally, as if they were her own! Even though she did not physically give birth to them. Well, I tell you what....I love her too, as if she were my own. Though I have never lived with her and though we have always lived so far away from each other, she has always been there for me emotionally and spiritually. I am truly blessed to have her in my life. My children are blessed to have a "Gramma." And not just any gramma...but a wonderful, loving, caring, giving Gramma that shines with love. Thank you Lord, for sending Celia Serrano into our lives....we are forever grateful. Please bless her and be with her (Lord knows she needs it, my step dad is not the easiest person in the world to live with :)SMILE).

Lord please bless the hurting moms....for only You can ease their pain......ONLY YOU! Thank You Lord, for loving us and blessing us....though we are so undeserving. Please give Leilani a big ((((HUG)))) and kiss from me. Tell her I love her oh sooooo much and I miss her so much. She will forever be my princess....and I look forward to the day when we will be gloriously reunited in your Presence.....for ever and ever....AMEN!

Oh decisions decisions...

Please pray for me to make the right decision! It looks like I will not be able to get into pediatrics right away. They closed a peds floor at Baptist so they are having to place all of the peds nurses from that floor into any available peds jobs. So it looks like I will have to start on an adult floor.

I am doing my preceptorship at another hospital, on the oncology floor. It is really a wonderful place! They treat their patients so well.

Anyway, it looks like this other hopsital will buy my scholarship out from Baptist if I come work for them! I would love to work there. It really is a great place. However, if I work at Baptist, when a peds job comes available, I would me more likely to get it if I am there already and I can transfer.

So what do I do? Should I work at Baptist in a unit that I am not excited about being in (I won't say that I won't like it...I am sure I will like anywhere I work)? Or should I go to the other hospital for 2 years, where I will enjoy it...but I will not be opening any doors towards my goal of pediatrics? What if a peds job becomes available while I am at the other hospital? I will miss out on it! But what if I end up working over 2 yrs on a NON-PEDS floor at Baptist? I will have lost the opportunity to work on a wonderful oncology floor.....Oh I don't know. I know I have to pray....I am praying for the wisdom...but maybe He will make it clear to me through one of you! Any suggestions?

Graduation is in 26 days (Yahoo! Yippee! Hooray!). I can't wait, not just for graduation, but to see my family! My Daddy's comin', my brothah, my sistah, my mama, (smiles) and possibly some aunties. I can;t wait.

I continue to pray for all of the precious children. I am so upset that Caringbridge has prohibited my links to the other websites! It has made it hard for me to even check on the kids that I follow! Please keep Kaidrie in your prayers. She is not doing well and latest MRI shows growth....please pray for precious Kaidrie and her family!

Praying for all of the children and their families! You are always in my heart, thoughts and prayers!

Lots of Love Always,

Yvonne

Oh Lord! What an evil world we live in! Oh, my heart is so saddenned by the evil around us. Forgive us Lord...man can be so selfish and hardened....I just don't understand how one can be capable of such evil!

Yesterday, my brother in law was MURDERED! He was handcuffed to the steering wheel of his vehicle, shot in the head and then set on fire...burning him and the vehicle to a crisp! To make matters worse for my little nieces....their mother, my sister, was killed in an auto accident 8 years ago! They are now orphans!

I just don't understand how someone could be capable of such vicious violence. 19 years ago my aunt was shot between the eyes for her wallet (with $5 in it). She was one of the sweetest women that ever walked this planet.

You know what? I don't want revenge. I am not angry. But I feel SADNESS..... disbelief.... even awe.... how can someone DO something so horrible and live with themselves? If I could find those people that murdered my aunt and brother-in-law, I would not wish them dead or tortured....I would just want to understand WHY? And really hope and pray for their REPENTANCE! The best thing that could happen is to know that they are really and truly SORRY for what they did. If they could possibly change their life....accept the Lord and be sorry for their sin....then it would be ....well, "OK".

I would love to know what incentive they had? Was it drugs? Money? Hatred? Or just plain love of violence? The word "WHY" will forever be in my head. Yes, I have asked that question about losing my daughter to cancer. How many parents have asked that question that have lost a child to cancer or an illness? In those cases, are hands are tied....there is nothing we can do about our child's prognosis....it has been determined by God....and yes, we ask Him "Why?" ....but when it is an act of senseless violence....so unnecessary....our loved one was not taken by God, but by the hand of a simple man. One evil mans decision to take the life of another human being! That really just sucks.

I am sorry for venting such a negative topic on my baby's website. I guess I just needed to get it out....to talk about my anger. Please pray for my nieces. The oldest is 19 but the youngest is only 9....she still doesn't know. SHe was on vacation in Puerto Rico with her Gramma and they are on their way back to Chicago, where her big sister will give her the news. Oh Lord, please be with Jessica and Jasmine....bless them, console them and guide them throughout their life!

Hello everyone!

Sorry I haven't updated lately. As you know, I was busy with school. I am happy to report that I took my final exam and passed my class with a "B"! I am pretty proud of myself as this was a pretty difficult class. Now the rest of the semester will be clinical experience in the hospital and my preceptorship and then.....Lord willing...on May 11........GRADUATION! (Yeah! Yahoo! Yippee!)

I went for my initial interview at Baptist Hospital. I was really not that nervous...I thought, I am going to be MYSELF...because to be anything else would be misrepresentation. And the Lord will lead me to the place where He wills me to work. The lady in Human Resources said it did not look good for pediatrics as all the positions have been filled....and asked what other areas I might be interested in. But my ex-clinical instructor is now a manager for a peds floor and she called to see how my interviews were going and I told her what the lady in Human Resources said about peds being full.....she said that she has already forwarded my name to all of the pediatric floor managers and told them to keep an eye out for my application! She is pretty sure that I will get into Peds. Then she said that she may know of an opening and asked if, by chance, I would be willing to work hem/onc? I was so excitied! I said "BY CHANCE??!!???......that is my calling! That is actually my first choice!" Can you believe it? I see that as a TRUE sign that it is the Lord's will for me to work in that area! Just another confirmation!

Well, Noah's birthday was last week. My little baby is now 8 years old. He is growing so fast. He actually has a little girlfriend at school! He says he is going to use his birthday money to buy something for Gabriella! Xavier has been struggling in school, but I went to speak with his teachers and we are working together now to get the grades up. Now that I am done with the academic part of my semester, I will have more time to help him study. He too, is growing so fast... I can;t believe I am the mother of a TEENAGER! Somebody HELP! :)

I just can't bring myself to update the angel links above. Alot of my "Pray for" kids need to be moved down to the "Angel" section but it gets so depressing! It seems I just can't keep very many children in that upper section for long! Isn't that horrible? All of these beautiful, precious children.... so much pain for their parents and families.... sigh......such is life. I really don't know how anybody could possibly bear the pain of losing a child without knowing the Lord.....for the only source of peace and strength is in knowing that we will be reunited for eternity...never to be separated again....no more pain, no more suffering... all our tears will be wiped away forever! This is what keeps me going. The Lord IS MY Strength! Without Him I would be NOTHING! There really is no "Getting over" the loss of your child. We will mourn and love and miss them for the rest of our days on this earth.... but we find hope in the thought of our reunion... ONE DAY, I will be with my baby again! I miss you my sweet baby....my Nanama! I love you so so so so much, with all of my heart! I will see you soon my princess! LOVE ..... Mommy

Happy New Year (a little late Huh?)

Hope everyone has been having a good one.

Man, it is so depressing to update Leilani's page...I hate having to move children's names from the "Pray For List" to the "Angel List." So many beautiful children....so many sad parents. Life on this earth is so incredibly painful. What gets me through....what gives me joy and makes me contiue to smile....is the "ETERNAL." Knowing that my baby (and all of the precious other children-Celeste, Cheyenne, Savannah, Noelle, Nicholas, Adrianne, Gabrielle, Anna, Maddie, Esther....the list is so so so long!) are in eternal paradise....no suffering, only joy, peace and love....and knowing that someday I will be there with them... That's what gets me through!

Well, Lord willing I will graduate in May. I really can't wait to work with the children. I am so looking forward to helping them (and loving on them!). Yes, I know I will get personally involved....I know I'm not SUPPOSED TO.....but I don't care! I WANT to get personally involved!

For our Professional Nursing class, we had to prepare a resume' in preparation for our graduation. Of course, in my resume I included my personal experience in caring for my children throughout their illnesses. Being that I am applying to work with terminally ill children, don't you think my experience in having cared for my terminally daughter would be an assett? Well, apparently NOT. My teacher said if she were an employer and saw that, she would think that I was "too personally involved!"

Do you believe that? My thoughts....."YOUR DAM RIGHT I AM PERSONALLY INVOLVED! DUHHHHHH! WHY DO YOU THINK I AM DOING THIS?" If it had not been for that, I never would have thought to work in this field (I never would have thought myself CAPABLE of doing it). And you know what? I am going to LEAVE it in my resume'. You know why? Because that is such a HUGE part of what I am! Leilani is the REASON that I went back to school...she is the REASON that I decided to work with terminally ill children and their families....she is the REASON that I have a PASSION for these children. I consider my personal experience an ASSET to working with these children! I have been there! I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of nursing care! I think that will give me an empathy and compassion that is hard to find.

So.....if my resume' turns the potential employer off...then I don't want to work for that person anyway! I want to work for the person that KNOWS my personal experience is what makes me VALUABLE to my patients and their families. I will not HIDE my personal experience in order to get a job...because if I did that would not be honest. I do not want to lie to get a job. Whoever hires me deserves to know who I am before making that choice... because it really is WHO I AM.

Well, now that I have vented....:) I truly do hope and pray that you all have a wonderful new year. I especially pray for the families...there are so many....that will be entering their first year without their babies.....I pray for the Lord to fill them with strength and be with them. That He help them to find joy in the other blessings of their life. That He remind them that their separation is not permanent....we will be reunited again!

God bless you all....now and always!
Yvonne

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Another year, another Christmas without Leilani. So far, it seems like this Christmas will be a little better than the last. It's so hard to tell.....it is such an emotional roller coaster. One minute you feel so blessed and peace in knowing that my little girl is safe and in heaven....and the next thing you know my heart is ripping apart and the mere thought of another day without her just seems so unbearable. Thankfully, I am back on my anti-depressant just in time for the holidays...so I should be alright. (smile)

Thinking back, last year we were in Mexico for Christmas visiting my dying mother-in-law for the last time. It didn't even feel like Christmas. I am hoping this Christmas will seem alittle more normal....I don't think I have had a "normal" Christmas for the last four years...before "diagnosis."

This year I am looking forward to staying home for the holidays. We have made some really good friends this year that I think will make Christmas special. They have two little girls that I just adore and it has been so nice to be able to buy "girl stuff" for Christmas. Little Gabbie just loves to hear about Leilani and watch videos of her...I am sure that she and Leilani would have gotten along famously. And her little sister Isabel is a little clone of Leilani....same personality, they have so much in common.

Of course, we have to remind ourselves of what CHristmas is really about..... it's not about trees and presents and snowmen and reindeer. Yes, all fun things and stuff I love to do..... But we must remember that the real Christmas is a celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior. He is the one and only true gift to the world....for without Him....nothing else would matter. All of the most precious materials and possessions of the world would mean nothing without Him!

I know that a "Merry" Christmas does not seem possible for many of my friends that have lost a child... Therefore, I am wishing you all a very Blessed and Peaceful Christmas...may you find peace in knowing that our precious children are celebrating Jesus' birthday with Him in person from now on! What a glorious and wonderful celebration it must be!

Love and ((((HUGS)))) to all!!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Another year, another Christmas without Leilani. So far, it seems like this Christmas will be a little better than the last. It's so hard to tell.....it is such an emotional roller coaster. One minute you feel so blessed and peace in knowing that my little girl is safe and in heaven....and the next thing you know my heart is ripping apart and the mere thought of another day without her just seems so unbearable. Thankfully, I am back on my anti-depressant just in time for the holidays...so I should be alright. (smile)

Thinking back, last year we were in Mexico for Christmas visiting my dying mother-in-law for the last time. It didn't even feel like Christmas. I am hoping this Christmas will seem alittle more normal....I don't think I have had a "normal" Christmas for the last four years...before "diagnosis."

This year I am looking forward to staying home for the holidays. We have made some really good friends this year that I think will make Christmas special. They have two little girls that I just adore and it has been so nice to be able to buy "girl stuff" for Christmas. Little Gabbie just loves to hear about Leilani and watch videos of her...I am sure that she and Leilani would have gotten along famously. And her little sister Isabel is a little clone of Leilani....same personality, they have so much in common.

Of course, we have to remind ourselves of what CHristmas is really about..... it's not about trees and presents and snowmen and reindeer. Yes, all fun things and stuff I love to do..... But we must remember that the real CHristmas is a celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior. He is the one and only true gift to the world....for without Him....nothing else would matter. All of the most precious materials and possessions of the world would mean nothing without Him!

Happy Thanksgiving!

What am I thankful for?.....

For my family...for our health...for our home...my friends...our church family

I thank You Lord for getting me through school these past two years...financially, physically and emotionally!

I thank You Lord for providing all of our needs...though we are so underserving, you continue to bless us and provide.

I thank You for being with Leilani throughout her illness...for the peace that you gave her...for her "sweet dreams"...for her faith. Thank you for taking her from this world of suffering and pain and allowing her to know paradise while still innocent of the evils of this world.

I thank you for our hope....that we will again be reunited with our sweet little girl.

But most importantly and above all else...I thank you for our SALVATION! For it is only because of this that we can be sure of that reunion....only because of our salvation do we have that hope of being with Leilani again... only because of our salvation do we have the peace of knowing we will have eternal life. If it were not for this...we would have nothing but despair, pain and sadness.

Thank you Lord Jesus, for dying for me! For dying for Leilani.....for dying for all of us! We are soo sooooo unworthy of your love....yet, you still chose to pay the horrible price of death for our sins.

I pray that You help us to honor You with our lives. Help us to do and see your will for our lives. Lead us and guide us through the path that You have chosen for us. Give us wisdom to make the right choices and do the right thing.

I pray that you continue to be with the children that are sick and suffering. Please fill them with that same peace that you gave Leilani. And be with their families. Heal their hurting hearts and fill them with peace.

Thank you, Oh Lord, for your Love and Mercy.... now and ALWAYS.................AMEN!

Again, Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!

Hello Friends!

Long time no see! I am so sorry for not journaling in so long. I have just not had the strength, emotionally, to sit down and think about what I am feeling and analyze those feelings. I basically just didn't want to "go there." Like I said previously...avoidance! :)

Well, things are going ok. Xavier has kept us all busy this year...first year on the football team! We really enjoyed his games and are so proud of him. Now that football is over he is trying wrestling...we'll see how that goes. Like I said, we are really proud of him because he was never a very athletic kid....but now he is exploring.... he did great in football, I really hope he sticks with it next year. He turned 13 a couple of weeks ago. He is so proud to be a "teenager" now.

Noah is doing well. His usual mischievous self! This year his teacher has made a big issue of his not focusing and paying attention in school....so after taking him to the doctor, and several evaluations by me, teacher and Dr....he was diagnosed with ADHD. So the Dr. has started him on a medicine. I told him (with tears in my eyes)that I don;t want the medicine to change his personality! I LOVE his personality! He is so loving and caring and funny....yes, he's mischievous, but it's in a cute way....kind of like Dennid the Menace! The doctor jumped and pointed at me and said "EXACTLY!" You and I grew up on Dennis the Menace...and the absent minded professor...and that was cute, funny, OK.....but nowadays that kind of behavior is no longer acceptable! Today, Dennis the Menace would have been medicated! The absent minded professor too! Back then, it was ok, because there was no cure for it....but today, there are medicines that can help them lead normal lives!

So...reluctantly, we are trying the medicine....to see how it works. I have such mixed emotions....I love my little man sooooo much, his personality has always been so endearing and cute....but realistically, he is going on 8 soon, and it's not as cute now....he is getting in trouble at school and people aren't as willing to laugh and say awwwww how cute, when it's a bigger boy.

And school for me.....well, I won't complain. STRESS is the one word that comes to mind....but oh well, I guess we just have to deal with it and move forward. My favorite instructor was in a horrible car wreck...broke her hip, femur, ankle and ribs. Needless to say, she is out indefinitely. They just hired a new instructor that they are crash training to take us to clinical next week. We are now studying PEDIATRICS....which is what I have been waiting for....This is what I plan on working. Well, last week we went for our orientation at Baptist Hospital, and we toured through the High Acuity Unit (PICU Step-down) and I got to see the room where Leilani died. It was kind of hard....I had a lump in my throat that I was trying to hold back....I didn;t want my teacher or class to think I needed any special treatment....I tried to be strong...after all, I want to work in this unit! But it was the first time I was there since she died and the memories were hard.

So Monday I check on our online site that we have to check frequently for updates, and find out we have a new instructor....this instructor will be working with us....guess where?........ the High Acuity Unit! My first response was horror....NO! I can't!....but then I thought, wait a minute Yvonne.... you want to work with terminally ill children....I will most definitely have to get used to that unit and that hospital (I plan on working there too). So then I realized it is probably a blessing in disguise. If I went to work directly to that unit I would have had to deal with the emotions then....I guess it is best for me to deal with it now, while I'm in school, so when I am ready to work I will be a little more prepared.

I have a contract to work for Baptist hospital (where Leilani died) for 2 years after I graduate. Well, on Nov 11 there will be a Job Fair at the hospital, where they will actually be signing graduating nurses to the actual unit where they will be working! I can;t wait! I am so excited. I am planning on going and hope I will be able to immediately start working peds. I may have to get some general med/surg experience before going there.. I don't know yet. I know I cannot go directly to high acuity or PICU....but I hope I can at least start with a general peds floor. Anyway, I will find out then....so I am looking forward to the 11th to get an idea of where I will be working next year! The count down begins....197 days until gradutation! I just pray I get there! SO many of my friends have failed. I hate that for them....to be so close and now be set back another year.....I just hope they stick with it ands not give up.

Prayers requests: Please continue to pray for the children! Little Kaidrie....Kody Bear just had surgery.... Little Troy.... Cheyenne... Benjamin.... Katia.... Zachary.... Christy.... And so many more! I pray that the Lord fill them with His peace, strength and love! That they do not suffer and that they be happy....and that He be with their families!

And please remember my teacher, Mrs Wyrick, in your prayers...for a speedy and safe recovery...she is such a wonderful person, I hate that this happened to her...she has a long road of therapy ahead of her.

And my friends that have been set back in the nursing program (I refuse to use the "F" word....because they have NOT "failed"....merely been set back) for the Lord to give them peace...guidance and strength....and that He provide for them financially as well (this is the biggest impact as now scholarships and loans will have to be paid back!)

I love you all....

John 16:20,22: I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy!!!

AMEN!!

Hello friends!

I guess I am long overdue for an update. I have been having kind of a rough time emotionally....I just couldn't bring myself to update. (A coping mechanism I have learned to be called "avoidance"). Talking about it just seems too hard sometimes.

Last night I was pondering what "WORD" describes how I feel? It's not "depressed"---It's not a constant down that I just can't get out of....there are still things that bring me joy...still things that make me smile....I think "depression" is definitely NOT the word to describe what I feel.

Then I thought maybe, "angry" - but at who?....kind of but not really. All these words flowed through my mind...frustrated...confused...sad.....then it hit me! That's it....the one word that describes what I feel...SAD. I guess to be exact it would be "periodic bursts of extreme sadness!" That perfectly describes what I feel. It is not ALL the time....there are times when I am happy, with my sons, with my husbands, with friends, at church....after all...I am truly BLESSED. I have to be grateful for all He has given me and done for me....yet there are moments when I just suddenly feel this overwhelming pain of sadness. It is triggered by the silliest things. Just seeing a shirt that used to belong to Leilani.....my chest feels like there is a 50 lb weight on it and my eyes begin to sting with tears....or using strawberry shower gel and I am suddenly hit with the memory of my baby using her "yummy" shower gel...or seeing tweety bird pudding (she loved BOTH!)...or tasting my sons 3 Muskateer bar (her exciting "discovery"....chocolate bar without the dangerous choking nuts!)....or seeing a dragonfly (my heart constricts with a tearful joy....thankful for "my sign")...or making hot dogs and macaroni and cheese for the boys (her favorite meal).... or putting on her lipgloss (knowing it was the same that touched her lips not so long ago---lips that I long to kiss but will never touch again)....or seeing a young girl in middle school (imagining that my little girl would actually be becoming a young lady if she were still alive--what would she look like now?) All these things....bittersweet....they hurt so....but they make me feel closer to her so I continue to seek them.

Then there are times when I just am overwhelmed by the evil of this world....it brings me such sadness. Last weekend as I sat in front of the TV watching the hurricane Frances coverage (all of my family live in West Palm Beach...so I was very worried) and then the news cvg would switch to the school bomb in Russia...all those children killed....then to the earthquake.....there is just so much suffering and evil in this world...I just have to trust and know that God took my baby girl for that very reason...she was not meant to be here to know this suffering. SHe is now carefree, happy and safe in the arms of Jesus. Yes, it hurts to be in this world without her...but I imagine it would be worse to have her here and see her suffering.

I have to live the rest of my days on this earth with my eyes focused on heaven....which is what we are supposed to do anyway.... for there is where all my hope lies. Heaven contains the key to eternal happiness.....no more pain, no more suffering, no more evil, no more sickness, no more hurricanes....and most importantly it contains my sweet little Leilani....and my Lord and Savior! I have already begun to store my treasures in heaven...now I work to assure my family and friends are headed that way too....and one day...one glorious day, we will all be reunited...never to be separated again! Oh how I long for that day....when my Savior comes and puts and end to this suffering.

I pray first and foremost for the salvation of all my family and friends....and I pray for the children---that they not suffer....and I pray for the families that know the pain of losing a child..... Oh Lord, please be with us....fill us with your peace and spirit and give us strength and wisdom to go on and to do your will! We love you Lord....thank You for all you have done for us! AMEN

Sweet Celeste is now a heavenly angel along with my Sweet Leilani. They are probably laughing and giggling with Noelle, Savannah, Maddie, Adrienne, Julia...and all of the other precious little angels that have gone Home. I am sure it is a grand celebration in heaven....pure joy and happiness in the presence of our Lord...no more pain, no more tears, no more suffering!

Yet...........here on earth..............all of those things that we know do not exist in heaven......are here, in full force.....sadness, tears, pain, death. Oh how my heart aches for Tami and Jer......the incredible pain of losing their "sweetie Papaya." Yes, here on earth, our lives can never be the same without our little angels. We will go on, for our other children, for our family and friends....yet a piece of us will always be missing in this life.....UNTIL.......our reunion! Now all of our peace, all of our hope, all of our comfort comes from knowing that we WILL be reunited with our babies! Never to be separated again. To that I am forever grateful to my Lord and Savior...for it is through Him that we are given the promise of that reunion!

Please keep Tami and Jer and Gramma and Grant and Ella in your prayers. We pray for the Lord to give peace and strength and that He heal their hurting hearts.

Rest in glorious peace sweet Celeste! Leilani, please take good care of her, she is very very special (just as you are!) Until our heavenly reunion......I love you!

Yvonne

Thank you everyone....for your kind messages. You don't know how much it means to me to know that you all remembered us on Leilani's "spiritual birthday."

We went to church and I was oh so emotional. The youth did the service that day...skits, music, testimony...it was sooo beautiful. I guess everyone thought I was crying because of the service.....yes, it was beautiful, but I think it was the combination of that with wondering what it would have been like to see Leilani up there singing. I didn't mention to anybody the date. I was kind of waiting to see if anyone would remember.

Then I came home and checked Leilani's guestbook and I saw all the messages and I cried and thanked the Lord for my internet family.....YOU all remembered! Thank you again....you truly blessed my heart with your thoughts and prayers.

I didn;t even remind my husband of the date (he never keeps track of dates) because I didn't want to give him cause to be sad yesterday. But he was also touched during the youth's service and even went up to the altar to pray! Last night I asked him why he went up? Was it a spiritual breakthrough for him or something? (hoping it would be---it would have been nice for that to happen on that special date) And he said he was just so touched and overjoyed at how beautiful the service was. At that point I reminded him of the date and that it was Leilani's 2 yr anniversary.

Anyway, again, thank you all for remembering. I really appreciate you all. May the Lord bless and keep you all! Please continue to pray for little Celeste....that precious precious little girl.... ANd please remember Isaacs family as he has gone to be with the Lord. I pray that the Lord fill Mell, Gary and Lucas with His peace and comfort and heal their hurting hearts. And also remember Cheyenne and Kaidrie and Katia......

With Much Love in Him,

Yvonne

Oh, Lord, please give Leilani a special hug and kiss from us....please let her know how much we love and miss her so. Thank you Lord for your many blessings and mercy on us....we love You oh so much....In Jesus' name....AMEN

Happy Birthday My sweet Baby!!!!

Today you would have been 11 years old. I find myself imagining what you would like like now. When I see little girls that are around 11 years old I get emotional thinking "that's what Leilani would look like if she were here." It's especially shocking to see that your friends are growing up so fast.....To think, you would probably have boobies by now! (smile) You would probably be into big girl stuff now....no more barbies....probably still spongebob....if I can still like spongebob at 35 yrs old, then you can too at 11. (smile)

I thought about what to take you to your grave today. And it hit me how silly it is. I know you have no interest in this silly earthly stuff. You now know riches and beauty beyond what we can imagine in this earthly body. I guess I still do it...but more for ME. I am the one that needs to feel like I am giving you something. I bought you some ballons.....we will send them to you later this afternoon. And I bought you some new flowers and some seashells.....I know how much you love the beach. You once dreamed that your room in heaven had the beach right outside your door. Is it just like you dreamed? Oh how I wish I could see where you are. Oh to see you just for one moment.....one second. I miss you so so so so so so much my sweet little princess. You know that not a day goes by that I do not think of you.....miss you.

I know I think alot about what you would have looked like.....but I also think about what you look like now. How beautiful you must be in your new, heavenly body. One day......One glorious day.....we will be together again. And THEN it will be forever. OH, for that day. I miss you my baby. I love you so.

Happy birthday. What a blessed and beautiful day....for this is the day that the Lord blessed us with YOU. This is the day that "Leilani" came to be. Thank You Lord for my beautiful baby. Even if for a short time....I am grateful. Thank you Lord. I love you. Please give Leilani a Big HUG and Kiss for me.

Love,

Mommy

So many well wishers...SO many people that MEAN well....yet they do so much damage. I am learning over the years to STOP...and think about what you are about to say before you say it. I believe it is called the 10 second rule...never say anything without first thinking about it for at least 10 seconds. At that point, you may realize how silly what you were about to say sounds.

For example....those who tell a parent it is time to "get over it and move on with your life"......HA! If you could only see for a second what we think at that moment....you would realize. Yes....we do have to get on with our life...but you have to understand that "OUR LIFE" is not the same anymore. It will never be the same again. This is a new life for us. Like I said in my previous entry it is like we are in a prison. Our grief is our prison....it surrounds us. I guess sometimes we may get a "temporary pass"...out for a day....but ultimately we have to come back. It is something we will have to learn to live with for the rest of our earthly lives...our cross to carry. Yes...I will carry my cross....for my Lord. I am so grateful for my salvation....for it is through Him that we have the hope of being eternally reunited with our babies. Yes, for you Lord, I will go on and do my best!
But there is always that well wishing friend or relative that wants us to go back to who we were before......and that is just not possible! I cannot and will not erase the memory of my sweet Leilani! Therefore, the pain will always be there. I will simply learn to live with it in the best way possible....with my Lords help....and you cannot expect me to be the same person I was before.

Last week my brother said he has begun to kind of resent my husband. He says that my husband had "changed me." When I asked in what way he said I no longer have the same sense of humor I had before. HELLLLOOOOOO! We lost a daughter man!!!! Could THAT possible have a little bit to do with it? My friends say thats not true, I have a great sense of humor....we are always laughing. But to my brother it is not the same because I no longer have the kind of sense of humor that we did growing up. Yeah, I no longer have THAT sense of humor....laughing at other peoples expense is no longer funny to me. I told him I think GROWING UP (something he has not done yet---smile) and losing a child had alot to do with that. But in his mind he still sees my husband as responsible for that.

And talk about the 10 second rule.....think about what you say. I was concerned about my husband. He has been going through a major depression with suicidal thoughts...(and won't go for help by the way, please pray for him). Needless to say, I am under alot of stress #1, dealing with my own grief...#2) worrying about my husband #3) worrying about my 12 yr olds depression too (another long story wont go there now).... and then #'S 4-100....SCHOOL, WORK, HOME, YADA YADA YADA.....
Anyway, in talking to my ever so "sensitive" brother about my husband he says "well, he's probably depressed because YOU can't have any more children and there's no hope of you guys ever having another daughter." Thank you...thank you......just what I needed to hear. Like I haven't been tormented for the last 2 years by the thought that I can NEVER HAVE A DAUGHTER AGAIN!......But now I can consider the fact that maybe this wonderful Truth is what is making my husband want to DIE! (The famous words of Rex, the dinosaur, in the movie Toy Story come to mind...."great, now I have GUILT!)

Don't get me wrong....I know my brother did not mean to hurt me. I pretended the comment did not stab right through my heart and quickly explained that my husband is adamant about the fact that NO ONE will ever replace Leilani. Yes, we hope to adopt...but that will still not replace Leilani. Of couse, I know that we cannot adopt until my husband finishes working through his grief and I finish school. But bottom line is.....people need to thinkg before they speak!!! The bible is so clear on the fact that it is not wise to be quick to speak....that the tongue is the most vile part of our body....that the tongue can do more damage than the sword.....that a man of few words is a wise man....etc..... yet so many people just blurt out whatever comes into their mind and do so much damage.

When I think of how many CB moms have been hurt by the horrendous comments of people in their guest books. Moms like Lisa (Savannah's Mommy) and Tami (Celeste's Mommy) who get criticized by people who HAVE NO CLUE what it is like to love your daughter with all your heart and soul and watch them slip away before your very eyes. People who have no clue what it is like to wish with every ounce of your being to be able to give your own life for your childs.... and NOT be able to. To be helpless and not be able to do a DARN thing to save your child's life. How dare people judge us and tell us how we should or should not live if they have NO CLUE what we are feeling.

Needless to say......I love you all. Again, I know everyone has good intentions, but please STOP! And think for 10 seconds before you SAY what you were going to say. I will try to pratice what I preach, cuz Lord knows I have offended a few people in my time too.

Please pray for little Celeste and her family. SHe needs our prayers now more than ever. That precious little girls has worked her way into the hearts of ohhh so many....I pray for peace and love for that family and most of all for a MIRACLE! And also, please pray for Wendy as the birth of little Gabrielle comes near. She and her family have been through so much.....and now they will be blessed with little Gabbie....OH Lord, please bless them and fill their hearts with new life and joy. Yes, we know that Gabrielle could never replace the love they have for Noelle and Nicholas....but I pray that they will be blessed with a whole new kind of love, and that they may have JOY in their life again. And pray for Kaidrie, Cheyenne,Katherine, Christy, Katia, Cassie....all of these precious children......For peace and healing for them and their families.

With Much Love in Him,

Yvonne

SO BLESSED!

I feel so blessed today! We have a new church! I have been searching for a church "home" for years. We have been attending a church since we moved here 4 years ago, but I have not "felt" that it was home. I was at a spiritual standstill and simply was not growing. We have been visiting other churches...but nothing FELT right. Well, last Wednesday we decided to visit a church that invited our youngest son to "childrens church". For some reason, ever since they had come to visit Noah, my husband has felt really strongly that he wanted to let Noah come. I told him, we can't just SEND our son to another church! Lets all go to visit....it has to be an "All or none" deal. So we went last wednesday...for the children....and ended up enjoying the service ourself. Of course, the kids had a blast! They loved it and they could not wait to go back. So we went back yesterday and WOW! I was so blessed by the message! I bawled throughout the entire evening sermon....I turned to my husband and through my sobs said "I have been waiting for our pastor to preach this for the last 2 years!!!" When my daughter was sick I had so many questions and doubts....and my pastor was just not able to help me. I never blamed him....I knew our situation was different and he had never dealt with that type of loss before..so he was kind of lost himself. But after she died I NEEDED SOMETHING....I don't know what.....some kind of spiritual guidance.....I needed someone to know what I was needing and answer my questions....but again, the subject was kind of "taboo" and no one ever talked about it. Needless to say, for the last year I have been complaining about my need to be "fed" spiritually...I knew I needed to be fed and after complaining that my pastor was not feeding me, a very wise and dear friend told me (in a nice way) "Honey, you are old enough to feed yourself!" DUH!!!! Why hadn't I thought of that! So I had this great revelation through my friends wise words..."OK Yvonne, no more waiting to be fed...it's time to feed yourself." Needless to say, full-time nursing school, part-time work, full-time mother, full-time wife........I was still struggling to be fed!

So We go to this new church....for the kids....and guess what? I am being fed too!!! The three sermons that this pastor has preached are all new to me....I learned.....I grew.....just what I have been looking for. Anyway, the sermon that really hit me last night was about PURPOSE. Our purpose in life. And this is exactly what us parents that have lost a child struggle with....what is our purpose now? Up til now it had been motherhood....our children, raising our children in the Lord, etc....but all of a sudden....your life is shattered.....your baby is gone. Yes, in heaven....now I want to be in heaven now too....Lord why can't I go now? What is my purpose here? Well, the pastor started his sermon and said "sometimes you THINK you know what your purpose is and all of a sudden it is pulled out from under you and you are lost....what is your purpose?" It took my air away! He's talking to me! Then he goes on to explain that our "purpose" is to glorify God with our lives....it is to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ to others.....I cried for JOY! I finally realized what my PURPOSE was! Yes, I knew that in my heart....but I needed to HEAR it...I needed it to be confirmed....and that is just what God did...He confirmed what I have known in my heart....I have to live for Him....and one day, when I am received into His Glorious arms and He tells me "well, done my good and faithful servant"....then it will all be worth it.....all of the pain, all of the tears, all of the sacrifice, all of the heartache...at that moment, when He tells me "Well done"...it will all be worth it. And then I will enjoy my heavenly reward....eternity....reunited with my sweet Leilani...and all of my family....never to be separated again. Yes, I work now towards that goal.

The preacher talked of a lady who had accepted the Lord, changed her life and got on the right path....after about a year, her past caught up to her and she had to go to court on some things she had done in her past. At her court hearing she was sentenced to prison....and as heartbreaking as it was, he told her that it would all work according to His purpose....maybe the Lord wanted her to witness to some people in that prison. I thought the exact same thing... maybe there were people in that prison that needed her there for her testimony and witness. And at that moment I saw myself as that lady. Losing a child pulls us into a "prison" of grief and sadness that you cannot forsee yourself ever "escaping." We are sentenced to the rest of our earthly life in that prison. Yes, we may see the sunlight, go outside, talk with others, have visitors....but there will always be a wall there that keeps us inside of our "prison." At that moment I saw the similarity...just like this lady, who at that terrifying moment for her when she is sentenced to PRISON...cannot forsee any good coming from her being ripped away from her family and loved ones...us, on the outside looking in, immediately thought of her ministry to those inside. I know that I too, have been chosen to go through this "prison" in otder to help others. I have a special bond with other mothers that know my pain...and I believe it is a part of my ministry....just to share the burden with them..and show them the secret to "getting through"...that secret is Jesus! The Lord is the ONLY way to get through such pain. For there really is no greater pain than losing a child. And if it were not for the Lord, I would not...could not feel any hope of ever being happy again. But through Him, I have hope. Through Him I have peace. And through HIm I have joy. For I know that through Him....I am promised eternal life. And through HIm, I will be reunited with my little girl again. And because I am so grateful and blessed to have that hope/peace/joy.....I want to do something in turn for Him. All He asks of me is to share the gospel. To preach His word unto the world! And if that is what He wishes...then I will live the rest of my life doing so....... FOR HIM!

God bless you now and always.....
With Much Love in Him,
Yvonne

Oh Lord, I thank You and praise you for all you have given me. Please give Leilani a big hug and kiss from me and let her know how I love and miss her.

Thank you Lord.....In Jesus' name.....AMEN

Oh this is so depressing...I just had to move three names from the "Pray for these children" list down to the "Angel" list. My "Angel" list is getting so long! One thing's for sure...Leilani won't be lonely up there! She has LOTS of little playmates up there now. Savannah....Taylor.....Maddie..... all such special girls. I still can't believe they are gone....our loss is heaven's gain. I am sure they are all happy and enjoying paradise.....yet we miss them so here on earth. They truly were angels on earth....now they are HOME.

I was just so SHOCKED by Savannah's and Maddie's death. They were both so full of life...I really thoughts they would be here for a while. I had that really busy period...for about three weeks I had final exams, work, the rehearsals for the play...I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off....yet I would always find a few minutes to check in on my CB kids...see how they were doing. How did I not see it coming? It was like (poof) one minute they are smiling and laughing and bringing us joy...and then all of a sudden, they are gone? Oh, how I hurt for their moms/family. Last week we had the graduation ceremony for graduating nurses. We had to participate as well, I guess in practice for our graduation next year....but the day before, a little girl (11 yrs old)in our town was playing softball at school and passed out as she was running from one base to the next. She died 2 hours later. It turned out she had a rare congenital heart defect that really could not have been detected before. She was the only child to her parents. Imagine, all of a sudden? You drop your healthy, athletic child off at school and a few hours later she is dead? Oh, my heart hurts so much for those parents. Last week at that graduation ceremony, there was a little girl that looked a little like Leilani. I guess seeing her and that little girl that died the day before...just got me all emotional all of a sudden. I was just suddenly overwhelmed by an EXTREME SADNESS. Sadness from missing my little girl...and sadness for the parents that have lost their little girls so recently. The little girl that died last weeks name was Taylor too (not the same Taylor listed on this page).

Why does this world have to hurt so much? It's like, a great world...beautiful and fun and so full of laughter and goodness and joy...UNTIL........... Until you experience the death of a child. And then everything is bleak and sad and depressing and ....BLAH! Now when I see the beautiful things, like a sunset or a big green tree with singing birds and fresh cut grass, flowers, ...the beach, cute animals...it just reminds you of the EXTREME SADNESS of not having your child.....not just mine.....all the parents that have lost a child. And when you look at a beautiful child and feel your chest swell with love and tenderness, you wonder, will this child live to be an adult? Will he/she grow to have children/grandchildren? It makes me just want to grab on to my boys and hug them and kiss them and never let them go (of course you get the immediate "mom!" and they push you away like your crazy :)

In the play that we were in, one of the women wrote "can a person survive such a great pain?....They SHOULDN'T!" No one should ever have to go through such a pain. The greatest pain in this world is DEATH....losing a loved one. It is a pain for which there is no remedy. Yes, over time, you learn to deal with it. You learn to numb it the MAJORITY of the time....but it is always there. The only true cure for this pain will be the eternal reunion with our loved ones. And for THAT we are grateful....that truly is the most precious precious thing that one could possibly have in this world.....and that is the promise of eternal life with our loved ones...and for that we thank our Lord and Savior...for had it not been for Him....there would be no hope. I would like to share a poem that I wrote for the play that I was in....I started the play with this poem:

Because of You I have HOPE....I will see her again!
Because of You I have JOY...she's no longer in pain!
Because of You I have Peace....she is now at Home!
Because of You I have STRENGTH..I know I'm not alone!

Without You I'd be nothing...I would surely be dead!
But because of You I am strengthened,
and I will flourish now instead!!

MY SAVIOR!!!!

Yes, it is only because of My Savior that I can go on....it is only because of Him....and that promise.....the promise of eternity with Him and my family and friends. This is the very hope that keeps us going....the light at the end of the tunnel....the strength that keeps us alive. This pain and this hope is what bonds my husband and I ...and it is what bonds every other bereaved parent with me. My friend Nichelle said in her last journal entry that we are SUPPOSED to long for heaven.... and knowing that our loved ones are there make us long for it all the more! How many of us LONG for heaven BEFORE we have lost a loved one? I have not known anyone. It is not until someone that is precious to us dies, do we begin to focus on heaven, and how wonderful it will be...and we begin to LONG......... Romans 8:28 says that He takes all bad things and uses them for good to those that love Him......Yes, I see how he uses this for good. He has also called us to store our treasures in heaven...not in this earth...for this world is temporary and will end.....but heaven will not. So by storing our precious precious babies, our most precious treasures of all, in heaven...then we know that the treasure will be eternal. Leilani is my heavenly treasure......and now Savannah is a heavenly treasure too....and Maddie.....and Taylor......oh, heaven is full of precious gems!!! And now so many of us LONG for heavens treasures!

To all my friends that have experienced loss...May the Lord fill you all with peace and heal your hurting hearts!

And to those who have not yet experienced the loss....oh what a blessing! I pray that you continue to know that blessing!

With Much Love in HIm,

Yvonne

Hello everyone....

Well, it was time to update Leilani's page....I hate that I had to take two names and move them down to the "Angel" section! Maxie and Little Jake are now heavenly angels....good for them...so sad for us....especially for their parents. I truly pray that the Lord be with them and fill them with peace.

I have been sooooo busy these last few weeks. I am sorry for not updating sooner. I DO check up on all the CB sites regularly and I DO read all my guestbook entries....I just enver seem to have time to respond or update. I have been going to school full-time, also having clinicals two days a week, I have been working about 18 hours a week and now I am rehearsing for a play that I will be in on the weekend of May 7-9. I am kind of excited about it. It is presented by Hospice and it is actually written by me and a group of other people that have lost a loved one. We are a variety of people. We had our first rehearsal this week and it seems it's going to be really beautiful. I am really excited. If anyone is interested in going, it will be at the Wake Forest University Ring Theater in Winston-Salem, NC.

Now for some negative news.....I am so upset that some really good people are being persecuted for being loving caring people! My little friend Chance now has to have a password on his website because someone is accusing him of being a fraud! I just don;t understand how people can be so cruel and inconsiderate. Chance has a wonderful ministry, he is touching so many hearts and helping so many people. There are many people who have followed him for a long, long time and have also MET his family....so there is NO DOUBT that he is sincere! And now, because of some ignorant and heartless person, he has to have a password on his site. The bible says that we will know the TRUE Christians by their FRUITS! And Chance most definitely has good fruits! So Chance, honey, you keep doing what your doing for the Lord! You have touched many hearts and the Lord will bless you for it! And to the person that has instigated all of this....you really need to take a close look at yourself...and if you really are a Christian like you say...then you need to really pray on this and ask the Lord to give you wisdom and to FORGIVE you for the damage that you have done. Remember, we will know by the FRUITS.....Chance has plenty of good fruit...your untrusting, accusing nature is definitely NOT a good fruit! So not only do you need to pray....but we will be praying for you...as I am sure will be Chance and his mother.....because THEY ARE true Christians. Chance has never ASKED for anything more than our prayers....so what can you possibly not trust about him? The fact that he encourages and exhorts us to seek our Lord and bring these innocent little children before Him? So what if he PRAYED for and gave love and care to a girl that MAY not have been sincere?!!!! Bottom line is, maybe he is the one person, because of his unjudgemental attitude, could have touched the heart of that girl and brought her to repentance in the Lord! All he ever asked is for us to pray for her...and if she was not sincere, then that is all the more reason we need to pray for her.

So please.....pray for Chance and his family....that they may overcome the hurt of this betrayal and accusal. I pray that this accuser will come to her senses and ask forgiveness...then maybe Chance could open his page to the public again, so he can keep spreading the gospel and touching hearts.

Don't want to ramble...but the same happened to another wonderful wonderful family......Tami almost had to put a password on Celeste's site as well...all because of untrusting accusers....well, please, if you doubt the sincerity of a CB site...then just move on to the next! Don't keep hurting and insulting our families. Like they're not going through enough.....cancer, chemo, radiation, decadron, facing death, financial problems, family problems....all of these caringbridge families have enough to deal with ..without having to give account for and justify every thing they do or say! We are her to support and encourage one another...not criticize and test the validity of each page.

To all those doubters out there...Remember, God will NEVER be upset with you for giving to and loving others! Whether they are sincere or not is between THEM and God! You are not here to judge anyone! He wants us to LOVE ONE ANOTHER AS HE LOVED US.....UNCONDITIONALLY!!!
So don't worry about what is on the INSIDE of a person...whether they are "sincere" or not (that's God's job) just love them.....you can't go wrong that way. If you are unsure...and you judge someone and accuse...and you are WRONG...then you have done something wrong and you SHOULD feel bad! BUT....if you choose to love them and help them even if you have doubts...and it turns out that they are not sincere....them you STILL have not done anything wrong! And God will take care of you and bless you for it. You cannot go wrong if you choose to LOVE!!!!

So, I say, God bless you and Love you all....sincere or not. If you are not sincere, then I pray that you one day become sincere. And if you are.....He is with you and will bless you!

Love you ALL !!!!!!!

Yvonne

We need to PRAY!!!

So many children are hurting right now. This is so terrible.

Please pray for Maxie....he is fighting a terrible infection, he is not doing well.
Please pray for Savannah and her mom, Lisa....it seems Savannah may be leaving us soon. Pray for peace and no pain or suffering for her. ANd pray for strength for Lisa, who is hurting so soooo much.
Pray for Taylor who is still on the ventilator, and Kaycee who's body is rejecting her heart/lung transplant.

One more prayer request. It may not seem like priority to you...but I feel pretty strongly about it. Celeste wants to go to the BEACH! We HAVE to get her there! Before Leilani died, we were given a 1 week trip to Myrtle Beach, SC and it was such a BLESSING to us! To this day, thebeach and seashells are so special to us because of those special memories. Please pray that the Lord make it possible. They are going to plan a fundraiser to make it happen. Let's pray for success and for the Lord to put it on many people's hearts to give to this cause.

When our babies have a terminal illness, we feel so helpless...our hands feel tied because we want so bad to heal them...and we can't. But if we can't buy them anymore time...the least we can do is make the time we do have with them special. Give them their hearts desires and make them SMILE! THIS is WHY Celeste needs to go to the beach!!! If anyone knows of anything we can do for them, please let me know. (If I could afford it I would send them myself!)

Please remember Katia, Mikki, Maddie, Cheyenne, Corrina and Jake as well. They are still struggling and also need your prayers.

I also pray for Chance....for the Lord to bless that special young man...and be with him throughout his life. Never in my life have I known a young man to be so caring and loving of other people. He definitely has a calling and has touched SO many people's lives. Make sure you check out his page regularly (Chance) He is such an incredible young man!

Well, my friends. Thank you for visiting. We are doing well right now....let's keep all of these children in our thoughts and prayers. I am oh so familiar with the pain that they are experiencing. As Chance would say....we need to "STORM heaven with our prayers."

God bless and be with you all.

Yvonne

Hello,

I hope everyone is doing well.

Today I write to aks for prayers for something that is very heavy in my heart. Please pray for Savannah and Maxie. They are both not doing well at the moment and really need our prayers. I pray that they both will not feel pain and that He fill them with His peace and love. And that He be with the family as well. Pray for strength for Lisa as she sees her baby off into eternity. And for Christy and Julie as they comfort Maxie in his last weeks.

This really stinks. You know, I haven't had time to do so yet, but I think I need to make time to join the CANCER SUCKS CLUB! For anyone else interested, the link to Zachary's page will help you do so. I think I will be doing so asap. Because bottom line is.....cancer really does SUCK! And I want to work pediatric oncology once I'm a nurse! I know I am heading for some rough times....but I know I am called. I want to be able to help those children and families in any way that I can.

I also found a young lady named Kaycey (link is above) that needs some prayers. She really touched my heart and I hope you will join me in praying for her. She had a heart/lung transplant and her body is now rejecting them. Please pray for this to be resolved.

Well, I know it's not the cheeriest of entries, but these precious children really need our prayers.

I also hope and pray that YOU are doing well and are blessed too! God bless and be with you always!

Love,

Yvonne

PS....Taylor needs your prayers too! She is in PICU and may be put on a ventilator! Please pray for this precious little girl.

Hello everyone.

Sorry for not updating sooner. As you know, I had surgery....and I am glad to report that everything went well....Praise God!

It couldn't have went better, the dr's and nurses marvelled at how quickly I was up and about. I was back at school/work 5 days later! I don;t know if I mentioned it before, but I had the gastric bypass done. My health was steadily declining. My diabetes was quickly destroying my kidneys, so I had to do something fast if I wanted to be around for my children in the years to come. I prayed on it quite a bit and it really seemed that it was His will.

So, I am now 15 lbs lighter...and hopefully as the pounds come off my other health problems will go away. My aunt had the same surgery last February and by October, after losing 100 lbs, her diabetes was gone! So this is my hope. I really did not do it for any other reason than my diabetes/health. I have always been a "Big woman" and I am comfortable with that. But my health got so bad that I had to do something about it.

So my friends, thank you for checking in on us. Thank you for caring. I will update again soon, just wanted to let y'all know I am ok.

May God bless and be with you always,

Yvonne

Nani, I miss you so much. I wish you could be here now to see me as I lose the weight. I am sure you would just giggle and giggle at the thought of having a "skinny mommy". :) Noah actually cried because he says he likes having a fat mommy and doesn't want me to be skinny! I know you love me in any form...but I know you would have loved to be here for this. We miss you so so much sweet baby. Oh, how I long to hold you in my arms and kiss your little nose and lips. But I know you are in a better place. And I know you will wait for me there. Until that wondrous day when we will be reunited my princess.........I love you! Mommy

REST IN PEACE MAMA!

I told my husband today, "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, that your mom is now with Leilani...."
(no need to say the bad.....they are one and the same).

Yes, my mother-in-law, AKA "Mama" to the family...is now in heaven with my precious little girl. They had not told her that Leilani died, since she has been ill for the last 3 years....so she had a heavenly, wonderful surprise waiting for her as she walked through the gates of heaven! Her precious little "Nani" will welcome her into paradise.

We are oh so grateful that she accepted the Lord 9 years ago when she came to visit. That is our most precious consolation is knowing that she is saved and in the arms of Jesus. I ask that you please pray for my husband and his family....especially my husband, first his daughter and now his mother....it is really hard for him....if it wasn't for the Lord neither one of us would know what to do....Thank you Lord!!!

Well, tomorrow morning I leave to the hospital to have surgery myself. I am alittle worried. I am very aware of the 1 in 200 possibility of death....yet I am not afraid to die. I look forward to seeing my sweet baby again. Yet I am afraid. I am afraid for my boys because I know that they need me...yet deep down, I also know that should it be His will...He will provide and take care of them, just as He promises.

So, I go....trusting in the Lord for His perfect will. I have prayed and am sure that if is His will that I have this surgery. Should He choose to call me home....then I will joyfully be reunited with my Lord and my little princess. I will celebrate Noelle's birthday with her there in heaven (3/04) and I will laugh and play with all the little angels that have touched my life here on earth. I will praise Him eternally and await my loved ones up there....for our eternal reunion.

Should He choose to heal me...and keep me on this earth to minister to others and share His love......then I will see y'all next week!!!!!................

Please pray for us! Lord willing, I will update on how everything went soon! May God bless and be with you all now and forever!

With Much Love in Him,

Yvonne.......Mommy to Leilani....and Xavier and Noah!!

I just learned another angel earned her wings. Beautiful McKenzie went home on 1/29/04. She is now resting in the arms of Jesus. Leilani has a new buddy up there.

I know that she is in a wonderful wonderful place. I know that she no longer suffers and is happy....yet my heart hurts for her family. For now someone else will feel this pain...the pain of missing their sweet, beautiful little princess. I wish there was something I could say or do to help...but nothing will bring their baby back. You know, sometimes, when I am missing Leilani and talking to God, I say I wish I could have "my baby back"...and then I laugh and start singing the song from the Chili's commercial "I want my baby back, baby back, baby back"! I am sure Leilani is giggling in heaven when I do that.

Last week I was cleaning house, and I found an old journal that I had been keeping while Leilani was sick. I kept it up until about 2 months before she died. I guess at that point life became too hectic and demanding to have time to journal. But as I read it, I was reminded of an incident that I had completely forgotten about. One day, while sitting at the kitchen table, Leilani , out of the blue, says "God is my medicine." I stopped what I was doing and said "what?" And she repeated...."God is my medicine." I asked "what makes you say that?" She replied "I don't know... I was just sitting here and I saw all of my medicines on the table...and I thought, I don't need all that stuff....God is my medicine." Again, I was in awe of her faith and wisdom. That's just one of the many times that she awed me with her spiritual wisdom. Again....I am SO BLESSED to have had Leilani as my daughter. I tell myself that everyday.

Please pray for McKenzie's family... and for all of the families of the "new angels." And especially pray for the little angels here on earth.. for Savannah, Celeste, Cheyenne, Katia, Maddie, Michelle and all of the others (there are oh so many). Yes, I believe we are in the last days, and going to be with the Lord is not a bad thing....but the bible also says that in the last days there will be many miracles. I never stopped hoping that Leilani would be one of those miracles. Actually, she WAS...just not in the way that I was hoping for at the time. Still I pray that one of these (or maybe ALL) will experience that miracle. And keep praying for Wendy!.....so far so good, baby Baber continues to grow and make her mommy sick to her stomach all day (already a little stinker!) (smile). May God bless and be with you all.

With Much Love in Him,

Yvonne

SO BLESSED!

I can't stop saying that! No matter what....God is so good.

I miss my "little mama" so much. I found ANOTHER disposable camera....had it developed, it was from Sept 01. This is my third surprise roll of film with Leilani on it! Such surprise blessings!

This roll was taken at the park, about 2 months after diagnoses, at her "chubbiest" on the decadron. She was playing on the little wobbly horses. This is how I figured out approximately when the pics were taken.

I was remembering Leilani's favorite t-shirt. It was a Scooby Doo t-shirt with big red glitter letters that wrote "If Momma ain't happy...ain't NOBODY happy." We both loved that shirt. I remember another shirt that she thought was SOOOo funny at Target. I asked her if she wanted it and she said are you SURE we can afford it? I said, for you, anything. Of course, we couldn't afford it, but I could not bring myself to deny her anything (and somehow, the Lord kept providing!...So Blessed). Anyway, the shirt said "90 percent angel." She just giggled and giggled at that. I guess she knew that she had a 10 percent mischievous" side! (smile)

Other fun memories:

One time we were driving in the car. I grabbed her hand to hold it as I was driving and her hand was real hot. I said "Oh! Your hot!".....she puffed up her hair with her good hand and in her best sexy Mae West impression said "Why Thank You!" I think I laughed for hours, if not days!

One day she was sad/depressed (a decadron day) and I jumped up and said "Oh, I know what will cheer you up!" and ran into the kitchen. I returned with a gigantic bowl of chocolate pudding. Seconds later, with her mouth FULL of chocolate pudding, and giggling, she mumbled, "CHOCOLATE makes me happy!!!" We laughed and I said "I raised you well my child, I raised you well."

Well, I just thought I would share some of our fun memories. These are the memories that make me smile when I start to get sad.

Please pray for the children that are suffering.....with cancer, braintumors, etc.... Pray for the Lord to fill them with peace and strength. And pray for the families....of the sick children and of those that have gone on to heaven. For we know that they are in a better place, no more pain, no more dying, no more crying....yet they're loved ones here on earth continue to hurt and miss them terribly. ANd Please.....remember my dear friend, Wendy, in your prayers.....that the Lord be with her during this pregnancy...and that He bring baby Baber into this world to bless and bring joy to their home! No one deserves a blessing more than she! Wendy's Little Angels

God Bless and be with you all! Now and Forever!

Yvonne

Dear Leilani,
I miss you so so much my baby. I look at your pictures and my heart hurts from missing you so. My sweet sweet Leilani. I will never have another little girl.

Here is a picture of me and Noah with Spongebob and Patrick. You are missing from the picture, I wish you could have been there too. We love you little princess. You are foreve in our hearts....until we are together again........ Love Mommy

SO BLESSED!

I tell ya...words to live by!

We had such a horrible trip. 3 days in a bus to get there and 3 days to get back. We found out on the way there that the tickets we had were only ONE WAY! Stranded in Mexico City...then in San Antonio, TX. Crowded busses full of coughing, sniffling people and screaming babies. 1 square foot bathroom.....covered in human excretions..no sink, no paper. The smell of raw sewage wafting throughout the bus. I cried most of the time. Of course, the bag that was lost contained all of our medicines...hence I have not taken my antidepressant in 5 days...and now, with our newly acquired debts, cannot afford to refill my meds at least til Friday.

YET.......though it was horrible.....we are back, we are alive......all in one piece...so I can't complain. The Lord got us through it...and I can still say SO BLESSED!

My mother-in-law is very very sick. I don't think she will make it more than a few weeks. But at least we got to see her one last time. We never did tell her about Leilani. She was suffering so much, we didn't want to sadden her further...she will know soon enough. Soon she will go before the Lord and she will also have a pleasant surprise there for her...a joyous reunion with Leilani.

During the time I was stranded in Texas...and then traveling over the state, I wondered about my friends internet friends that lived there. If I had my addresses/phone #'s with me I could have called Nichelle or Lisa to see if they were in the area!

Well, again....though things may go wrong...in the long run, if we really think about it.....we are blessed. So my friends, I pray that you all have a very Blessed and happy New Year. And though things may look grim and depressing at times...try to look for the good in your life. I pray that you will find that you, too, are BLESSED!!!

Merry Christmas to all!

I wish you all a very special and merry Christmas this year. May this be the most special christmas ever!

I have to leave the country tomorrow. We received word that my husband's mother is dying. She isn't expected to make is more that a week or so. So tomorrow my husband, my sons and I are heading to Mexico on a bus! Three days on a bus! Yipes. But it is worth it to see her before she goes. I want my boys to see her and I want to be with her as well.

Please pray for my husband. He has been grieving our daughter more than ever these past couple months, and now his mother....it is really hard for him. My mother-in-law has been sick for quite sometime and believe it or not, she still does not know that Leilani died. My husband's family has been hiding it from her because they didn't want to upset her. Well, now she is dying, so we really want her to know that Leilani will be there waiting for her.

I had to email Santa to ask him to come one week early for Noah since we weren't going to be here. So Santa made a special trip last night for Noah. He ate his cookies and milk and Noah even left him an apple to take with him for the trip back to the North Pole. So now Noah can play with his new toys/games on the 3 day bus trip to get there.

Well, again, we wish you the merriest of Christmases! God bless and be with you always.

Remember......Jesus is the reason for the season!

With Much Love.........The Fernandez Family, Jose, Yvonne, Xavier, Noah and Leilani

I think it is so funny, but I have not taken my antidepressant in about a week and today....I cannot stop crying! I am so emotional it's funny! Every song I hear brings tears to my eyes. Every beautiful picture I see, the tears start flowing. Every card Christmas card I read today had me bawlin. The girls at school collectively gave me a gift.....they started flowing!

And you know what? I'm loving it! I hadn't realized how much I missed FEELING everything! I have been a big cry baby all of my life. About a month ago I was marveling at what a strong person I had become. I was marveling at how things that used to make me cry don't make me cry anymore. I thought, wow....I must be becoming a stronger person from all I have been through. And then one day a thought occurred to me.... DUHHHHHH!!!!!! You've been on anti-depressants for a year Yvonne! I still laugh whenever I remember that. Here I thought I was "changing". (smile)

Well, today it felt GOOD to realize that I am still the same person. It felt good to know that I still FEEL and that all the little things DO touch my heart! I decided that I would try to go with out the anti-depressant.....until this afternoon....when I got dizzy and nauseous and almost passed out. I was scared to death. Then I realized.....This last week I have had bronchitis, the flu, 5 exams, work and approaching the holidays.....all this AND I have not taken my antidepressant in 6 days. Soooooooo, I guess it's not a good time to let myself "feel everything" after all.

Well, my friends.....it is off to Eckerd to get my refills. Maybe I'll try again at al later date, when I am not under so much stress. Lord knows that even ON the anti-depressant it hurts....missing my Leilani. So I guess, the holidays is not a time to be messin with it.

I will write again soon....now that I am out of school (almost) I will have more time to update regularly.

May God bless and be with you all. Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, November 25, 2003 11:50 AM CST
I didn't mention it in my last entry, but the man that told me he would give Leilani a hug and kiss for me when he gets to heaven, had a near death experience a couple years ago. I guess it is actually a "death experience" and not "near," because he was actually pronounced dead for 2 minutes before he came back.

He says he saw Jesus standing at the edge of his bed...and his father, who had died 40 years ago was standing beside Him. He reached out for Jesus' hand because he wanted to go with Him, but Jesus told him "No, it is not time yet." and he opened his eyes and the doctor standing over him immediately said "it's a miracle.....you were dead!"

Of course, at first I was skeptical. I said "and what did Jesus look like?" I was looking for something to discredit his story. If he would have said "long blonde hair and blue eyes" I would have KNOWN it was not real. That would not be biblical. But he said "Beautiful. That is all I can say. Just Beautiful. He was just bright and glowing, I could not even tell you what color hair or eyes he had....he was just so so beautiful and I KNEW it was Jesus."
What he said shocked me...because that does seem biblical....that is exactly what I imagined it would be like. So, call me crazy, call me what you want...but I believe him.

But imagine.....especially my friends that have lost a child.....Wendy, Nichelle, Karen, Yolanda, Lorraine..... just imagine, at that moment that we are being called home. At the moment of our death.......just imagine Jesus at our bedside with our babies right next to Him to take us Home? Imagine the pure JOY and exhiliration? There are not words to describe the incredible JOY we will feel at that moment.

So this man blessed me, not only in his promise to take a message to my baby, but he also blessed me with the testimony of his experience. Thank you Lord! I just know that the Lord sent this man to me that day. I will never forget it.

What would my life be like now if Leilani were still here? Would she be in gymnastics or cheerleading? I'm sure she would be on the honor roll. Would I still be selling insurance? I most definietly would not be back in school studying to be a nurse.

Last week at dinner we were saying the blessing. I told my son we have to ask God to bless our food and help it to nourish our bodies and keep us healthy. My son asked me if that might be why Leilani got cancer? From not blessing her food? Of course not! That is not why she got cancer. Then Why? I don't know....nobody knows, it just happens. How do you explain to a 6 yr old boy WHY people get cancer. Yes, there are somethings that we KNOW causes cancer like smoking and certain chemicals. But there are millions of people that get cancer and we don't know why. It can be so frustrating to have to explain to our children why things work the way they do when we are selves would LOVE to know the answers.

He also asked WHY God took Leilani so young. I don't know.....We just have to trust God and know that He knows what is best for ALL of us. I told him, I think God was calling us to a ministry that we never would have found had we not gone through this. He has called us to work with and help other families and sick children.... But ultimately we will all be together again in heaven...and then we will never be separated again. So in the meantime, we work for Him......until He says "Well done my child" and calls us home for a wonderful reunion.

God bless and be with you all.....please continue to pray for the children. Especially Celeste, Savannah, Cheyanne, Ashley, Caitlin, Maddie and Katia

Wednesday, November 12, 2003 1:19 PM CST
God is so good. At times I am overwhelmed by His love and His mercy. Now to tell you about the blessings....where do I start?

First, of all, He most definitely blessed us and consoled us over the loss of our Chili dog....by sending us 2 new doggies! Saturday we got Bingo, a Chihuahua/Maltese mix.....with a humungous personality! He is so funny! He jumps about three feet high and he smiles at you...baring all of his top teeth. He has definitely brought laughter to our home. Then Sunday, my friend calls and tells me she got us a chihuahua! After spending 20 minutes trying to convince my husband to let us have another dog, we jump in the van to go get her. She is a purebred teacup chihuahua! AKC registered and we got her for FREE! Can you believe it? She is the absolute most precious little thing. We named her Chiquita (spanish for "little one") and we call her Chicki for short. Both of my new doggies follow me everywhere (just like Chili used to). Now I have 2 little shadows. When Chicki saw how Bingo would jump up at me and smile, she started copying him...now she tries to jump too...but only gets as high as my shin (Bingo jumps as high as my chest!)

Now for the BIG BLESSING! Last week, during my clinicals in the hospital, I was assigned to take care of a man that had multiple health problems. He was in pretty serious condition. As I cared for him throughout the day we talked alot. He was a Christian. He said he is not afraid to die. He looked forward to seeing his Saviour and felt that it will be very soon. Then he asked me if I had any children. Of course, I told him I had two little boys and a little girl in heaven. After telling him the story of what happened he grabbed my hand and said "when I get to heaven I will be sure to give your daughter a BIG hug and kiss from you!"

Imagine? What an incredible blessing! To be with someone who is close to going Home and being with the Lord and to know that they will be taking a message and a hug/kiss to my baby! I just know that the Lord arranged for him to be my patient that day. I am so grateful. Tomorrow I go back to the hospital. I don't know if he will be there or not but I am anxious to see him. I would really like to tell him how grateful and blessed I am by what he told me. Of course, if he is not there then I will know that he is in heaven, delivering my message to my princess.

Thank you Lord for all you have done for me!

I heard a song on the radio yesterday for the first time. I don't remember the EXACT words, but it said something about being so humbled that God keeps answering my prayers when there are so many others that need them answered...and deserve it MORE than me. That is so true. He just keep on blessing us...yet my heart still hurts for the others that are calling out to Him and still have not received their answer. My advice to them...hang in there...it is coming. He is true to His word and will never let us down.

Please pray for little Savanah. She is having new symptoms. Lisa...we are praying honey...you are not alone. We love you guys.

And keep on praying for Celeste and Katia. They are doing great now....let's keep on prayin' !!! :) :)

Wednesday, November 5, 2003 11:09 AM CST
I feel so sad today. My little dog, Chili, got run over yesterday. It really hurts, I lost another member of my family.

He was such a wonderful dog. One of a kind, no other dog could ever replace him. His personality was just perfect. I have had chihuahuas all my life and I have always said that Chili was the most perfect and best dog I have ever had. He was my little shadow, he followed me every where. Even when I would go to the bathroom, he would lay at my feet and wait and then follow me to the next room. He would sit and watch me cook in the kitchen. When I would lay down to study for tests he would come and curl up next me. He loved to sleep...he was a lazy dog!

Our consolation is knowing that he is with Leilani. She loved Chili too, so I know she is happy to see him. I don't know if that is biblical or not...I really don't know what or if the bible says anything about animals going to heaven or not. I guess I just like to hope.

Now for the blessing part of this. God promises to take all bad and use it for good....and He has always been faithful to His word. So I am sure a new blessing will come..perhaps an extra special new doggie at christmastime. But when he disappeared on Sunday, we were all so worried. COnstantly calling out for him...drives down all the roads searching for him, walks into the woods looking for him, etc. Of course, I prayed for his safe return...but I also asked the Lord that if something HAD happened to him, to please let us know...because I NEEDED to know for sure so my mind would stop wandering.

I had an exam on Tuesday morning so I was supposed to study....but I could not concentrate, my mind just kept wandering..."where could my little chilidog be?" So Yesterday, after school, I stopped at the dollar store to buy posterboards and markers to make signs to post all over the neighborhood. When I got home, my husband was waiting and when he saw all that I had bought he had this look of compassion on his face and started rubbing my back (somthing was suspicious). He said he didn;t know whether to tellme or not...but the veterinarians ofc had called....Chili had been run over by a car. Apparently someone had wrote down the tag # off of Chili's collar and tracked down the veterinarian...so they called to advise of his EXACT location on a local highway (about 200 yards from our house). Needless to say, I jumped in the van to go immediately to him ( I HAD to know for sure) and sure enough...he was at the side of the road...my precious puppy. I brought him home and buried him with his sister, Rosie, who was run over a year and a half ago.

Well, I was thinking about it last night......what person gets out of their car to write down the tag # of a dead dog and notify the vet? I most DEFINITELY see the hand of God in this! Turns out, both my brother and my son had also prayed the same prayer....if he is dead then PLEASE let us know. I truly thought that someone had stolen my doggie...my mind was obsessed with thoughts of where he could be...I was looking into the yards of all the houses I drove by, imagining who could possibly have him! If the vet had not called, I never would have known that he was gone and I would have spent days, weeks, months, years wondering about my doggie. Yes, it hurts to know he is gone.....but at least I KNOW and at least I know he is with Leilani. So though it hurts....it is most definitely a BLESSING that God used that person, whoever it was that wrote down that tag #, to let us know that Chili is OK.

So yes, in our pain, we PRAISE Him and thank Him for his mercy and faithfulness! Thank you Lord, for answering our prayers...for caring about us and not forsaking us. I have no doubt that the next doggie we get will be super special too. You have always taken care of me and blessed me. Thank you for blessing us with Chili for almost 2 years. We praise you Lord...ALWAYS!

Nani, take care of little Chiligdog there in heaven...I am sure he is running around and playing with Rosie... I am sure you will have so much fun with them. I love you baby and miss you so so much. Loving you forever and ever....we will be together again shortly! Love , Mommy

Wednesday, October 29, 2003 3:05 PM CST
Today I was looking at a magazine and saw a cute image with Santa Claus and it said "Christmas 2003."

I thought....I will never have a "cozy family Christmas" again. I guess it goes back to my thoughts on family....it will never be complete again. Yes, we go through all the Christmas rituals for the boys...christmas tree, decorations, presents, etc... We can't deny them those memories. But for my husband and I, we will never have a "family christmas" again. I remember all three of the kids opening their presents on christmas morning....I remember me as a child, opening presents w/my brothers.....but that was in the past. Leilani will never be with us to open a present again.

People say "you need to move on..." We know this. We are moving on. But it will still never be the same. Nothing anyone ever says or does will make it the same.

Anytime I see a little girl....my heart aches.

When I see a mother walking with her daughter....my heart aches.

Do these women know or have any idea of how BLESSED they are to have their little girls?

Oh, I would give anything....(except my salvation)....to have my baby back. I miss her so so so much. Her little kisses. Her little cheeks. Her giggle. Her beautiful hair. Oh, what I would do for just one more hug! I WOULD MAKE IT LAST FOREVER!...never letting go.

My husband really misses her. It hurts me so much to know that he is hurting so bad and not be able to do anything about it. He really wants to die. He says when I watch my medical programs on tv and someone dies...he is jealous. He wishes it was him. This hurts me.....yet I understand. I don't feel quite the same. I am not anxious to die...I need to be here for my boys for a while. I know that they need me and I am not ready to leave them. But I do look forward to ONE DAY being with her....but this is all in the Lord's hands....He knows when will be the right time for our reunion....it will all be in His perfect time. But I understand his desire to be with her. I just pray that the Lord will give him strength and heal his hurting heart and that he would never give into that desire to die. Please pray for him.

Well, I thank you all for checking in on us. I really do love my caring bridge family. What a blessing, how the Lord unites us in our pain from all over the U.S. and the world! God bless and be with you always!

Yvonne

Friday, October 24, 2003 2:48 PM CDT
I really thank the Lord for all of the wonderful friends I have made over the internet. It's funny, because I prayed for the Lord to send me a friend. A friend that had the same values and beliefs as me so I could share with them and seek support and wisdom...a biblically based wisdom. And he immediately blessed me with 4 wonderful internet friends! That was one year ago. And now I have even more. I really feel blessed to know you all and be your friend. There truly is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you and pray for you. It's funny, because I have not PHYSICALLY met you all....yet I love you as if you were family.....you ARE family! Wendy, Nichelle, Monica, Karen, Lorraine, Anna, Tami & Lisa....I love you all...you are such a blessing to me!

Please continue to pray for the children. I tell you, I cannot get little Celeste and Savannah out of my mind. They are the most precious little girls. Tami and Lisa, please know that I pray for your babies daily...and for you all. May the Lord bless and be with you all during this illness.....we truly do pray for a miracle!!!

I miss Leilani so so much. She truly was my best friend. I think that's why after she died I really felt the need to have a friend. Yesterday, I had a couple of hours of free time (a class got cancelled) so I went to the mall and just christmas shopped for what I WOULD HAVE got Leilani if she were here. I would say, "Oh baby, this would have been yours for sure." Of course, I know that now she has no need, use or desire for material things of this world...but it's nice sometimes to just remember the things that used to make her happy.

The other day I got a pick me up gift for a girl at school. She is 19 yrs old and lost her 16 yr old sister during the summer....so she is SAD (to say the least). I gave her a card and some CHOCOLATE! I told her a "wise little girl" once said "chocolate makes me HAPPY!" Of course, that little girl was Leilani. I thought about it...and that really IS a ministry isn't it? Chocolate for the brokenhearted! There is really no better cure! (smile) Maybe we'll start the "CHOCOLATE MAKES ME HAPPY CLUB".....bringing chocolate to the broken hearted! Sounds like a plan. :) :)

Well, my friends, I pray for you all....you are all in my thoughts and prayers daily.

I thank You Lord for my family, for my friends...and for Chocolate!!!! AMEN

Love,
Yvonne

Wednesday, October 8, 2003 11:40 AM CDT
Well, Saturday was my birthday. It went pretty well. I got a scanner! So very soon I will be able to put new pictures of Leilani on her page. I need some time to figure out how to work it first. The next 2 weeks I will be preping my house for some visitors. We are in the midst of a home improvement project so we need to try to get this done before they come on the 18th.

My pastor from Florida will be coming with a bunch of members from our old church down there. He will be doing a revival at our church here. We are really looking forward to seeing them.

I dreamt about Leilani last night. I'm so disappointed because I don't remember too much about it. I usually dream of "chubby Leilani" (on the decadron) but last night it was "skinny Leilani". I remember being upset and worried about her. I think I knew she was dying in the dream so I was frantic, but I was trying to be calm and soothe her. I remember waking up and thinking at least I am dreaming of her again. It wasn't anything "profetic" or special, but at least she was there.

I miss my little girl so much. It hurts so much to not have another girl in my house. Just seeing "girl stuff" hurts. Seeing Hello Kitty things or powerpuff girls, or Spongebob or anything that I know she would have liked, just saddens my heart. I know that no other child could ever replace her...there is no other person in the world like her....she truly was an original....but sometimes I wish I had a little girl to share with. She will always be my special little princess. No one will ever take her place.

Please continue to pray for all of the children that are sick....Celeste, Savannah, Katia, Savannah, Cheyenne,Caitlin, Luke, Brandon H, Maxie....and oh so many more. My heart is so sad to think of the pain that they and their families are going through. I pray most importantly for peace for them and their families.

And remember us bereaved parents in your prayers as well....for the Lord to fill us with His peace and heal our broken hearts.

God Bless and be with you all!

Yvonne

Wednesday, October 1, 2003 2:52 PM CDT
I can't help thinking lately, IF ONLY I HAD KNOWN SOONER.

I remember when Noah was sick and going through his open heart surgery. For 15 months we spent approx 80f that time in the hospitals. I can't help thinking that during that time, there was a little bitty tumor growing in my daughter's head and I had no idea.....if I had only known.

I look at pictures of that time, with Noah with his oxygen tubes, and scars from surgery.....I think of how the whole family evolved around HIM.....yet the whole time, my baby girl had a tumor in her head....and I had no idea.

I remember Noah laying in that PICU crib, with 15 iv lines coming out of his tiny 10lb body. I remembering thinking, how can such a tiny little body survive OPEN HEART SURGERY! We were all prepared for the worst, not knowing what the outcome would be...yet He spared little Noah (for that we thank Him and praise Him).....but not Leilani. Again, I start to wonder, "WHY" was she not spared....yet I have to remind myself that He knows what He is doing. I cannot and do not doubt that He is the all knowing God...He knows what is best and ultimately it will all work for good and for His Glory.

When I start to ask why? I have to stop myself and remind myself what a BLESSING I had in knowing for that last year of her life. I am sooooooo sooooo grateful that He gave us a year. A year to prepare, emotionally, spiritually and physically.....a year to LOVE EACH OTHER TO THE MAX!!! And that we did......we loved each other so.... for this I am forever grateful.

Yes, I struggle alot with the "why?"s or the "I wish I had known sooner..." But again....it all boils down to He knows what He is doing. One day I will understand. One day we will be together in His presence and He will reveal the reasons "why" it had to be so...and we will joyously praise His name for eternity!!!! And most importantly, we will all be together again.....never to be separated again! And for that I am most thankful!

God bless you always,]

Yvonne

Wednesday, September 24, 2003 8:41 PM CDT
FAMILY...

That word just isn't the same any more. I noticed today, as I was flipping through a magazine that sold cute little items... that when I see a plaque with a poem about "family" or a "family togetherness" type of thing, I immediately skip over it and move on. Today I realized that "FAMILY" will never be the same again for me.

It used to be a good word.

For example...our "family picture." We took one with Leilani when she was diagnosed.... there will never be another "family picture" for us.... never. Because it could never be complete.

A family reunion......again, it could never be. As far as I am concerned, the only real and TRUE family reunion will be when we are all gloriously reunited in heaven...never to be separated again.

The family tree.... I feel if ours were chopped down, a gapping hole where my baby's beautiful and flower filled branch once flourished. (Yet she now flourishes in heaven)

I hadn't really thought about it, but the word FAMILY hurts. When I think of family, I think of all of us...including Leilani, so I have to just push the thought from my mind or I become aware of her absence. When I say, the Fernandez Family, that will ALWAYS include Leilani. She is and always will be a part of my family...I could never and would never exclude her. I still sign her name to all cards from us and I cant imagine ever stopping.

I am really seeing the grief in my husband now. For the first time. He is finally starting to open up about it. But it really hurts me to know that he is hurting and I can't do anything about it. I don't mind my own suffering...I am used to it....but I hate to see others suffer....especially my family. If I could take it all for everyone I would.

I hate seeing my friends suffer as well. I hurt when I know Wendy is missing Noelle and Nicholas. I went to our grief group last night. I have a new friend who lost her son in June. SHe was crying and hurting and I hurt for her as well. All of my friends, Monica, Nichelle, Wendy, Karen, Yolanda, Jill and even my new friends, more recently bereaved parents, I pray for them every night....for I know the pain they are feeling. It's so frustrating to wish you could take away someone's pain and not be able to do anything about it. I know that all of us understand that. For we all saw our children suffering and there really is no greater pain.

I don't know what hurts more.....seeing our children suffer, or living without them once they are gone. I think we all prayed...as they were suffering, for the Lord to take them...or heal them.... but please don't let this suffering go on. As much as I miss my baby, I couldn't ask God to bring her back here if she was going to continue to suffer as she was suffering. So I really do think seeing them suffer is worse. I am sure all of us cancer/brain tumor parents can identify.

Well, I pray that you all be filled with His peace. I pray that He heal your broken hearts.....whether you have lost a child or are seeing them suffer now....I pray that He be with you and bless you....now and always!

God Bless!

Yvonne

Sunday, September 21, 2003 3:45 PM CDT
Hello Friends,

Hope every one is doing well. Life continues to be a rollercoaster for me.....one day I'm up and the next I'm down. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. I am seriously considering taking up drinking. (smile---just kidding!).

The other day I was watching a program on tv. A couple lost their 16 yr old daughter to bacterial meningitis. When interviewing the mom she said.."I am most definitely a stronger person now. I have survived the absolute hardest thing in the world that anyone can go through...the loss of a child. There is nothing left in this life that can happen to me that could be worse than what I have already been through." To which I responded with a resounding AMEN!!!!

That is so true isn't it? I truly feel like nothing else in this life will ever compare to the pain that I am experiencing with the loss of my little girl. As the trials keep coming it's like "bring it on!"

After years and years of worrying and being an overprotective mother, I am finally just turning it over to God...let His will be done. I had such an emotional day yesterday. I cried and cried for hours. Previously, I would seek some kind of tranquilizer or relaxer to calm myself down...but yesterday, I just went to bed...I refused to seek "pills." Ultimately, they don't change anything, so why bother? Then, as I am finally resting and putting my thoughts aside, Noah comes in and says his heart hurts (my 6 year old has had open heart surgery). Usually I panic and cannot sleep when this happens. You see, the first few times he had pain, I went running to the cardiologist who always assured me that everything is fine....as he grows, the scar tissue will hurt him...just give him some motrin. Well, everytime it happens, I know the Dr said it's "growing pains" but what if this time it is not? So...off to the dr I go. Well, yesterday I just got up and gave him some motrin....I said, I am not going to fret...because ultimately, His will will be done. No matter what I do....if it is His will...then it will be and I will have to deal with it...right? So I decided not to worry. Needless to say, Noah woke up this morning feeling fine! So I feel that this is a turning point in my life. I am learning to stop worrying about things, because, all the worrrying that I do...has never helped a bit....so I need to stop and just trust in the Lord for His perfect will. Of course, as I said before...life is like a roller coaster....so in 2 days I very well may revert back to my worrying ways! :0)

You know, yesterday my husband almost left. And as emotional as I was and scared of the future and for my sons... I found that I was still praying for the kids...that are suffering and battling cancer and brain tumors. You know, they really are priority. Again, I just had to put my own situation into His hands....if it is His will for my family to stay together...then He will change my husbands heart. I know that I am doing all that I can to keep my family together and happy. I have sacrificed and sacrificed, and there really isn;t anything more that I can do...SO I cast it into the Lords hands... I figure I will just continue to do my part...and the rest is in the Lord hands. Needless to say, my husband stayed! You see...it works! Just trust in the Lord!!

Well, I better go study alittle for my quiz tomorrow. We have to go to church in a little while. I truly do pray for all of the children...for the Lord to be with them and bless them and for the families as well...especially those whohave lost a child. I pray that the Lord fill them with His peace and heal their hurting hearts!

With Much Love in Him,

Yvonne

Friday, September 5, 2003 11:50 AM CDT
A MESSAGE FOR MY FRIENDS

I have had something on my heart for a while now and never seem to get the chance to sit down and write.

As we all know, no one ever really EXPECTS to die. No matter how much we prepare for it, it always catches us by surprise and knocks the air out of us.

I have had alot of health scares lately. Each time, I think of the possibility that I will soon be reunited with my baby. Of course, I do not wish to leave my boys yet...I know that they need me...and I look forward to my ministry here on earth working with the children. However, should the Lord say it's time...then it's time!

And each time I think of that heavenly reunion, I think of meeting Noelle and Nicholas, Adrienne, Timmy, Gabrielle, Anna, Rebecca, Jalen and now, Priyanka and Brittany. And I think how I will let them know that their momma's miss them and love them so.

You know, sometimes I think how nice it will be to know who is going to die next, so I could send a message with that person for Leilani. And I thought, you know what? Should I be next, then I will have to take messages for my dear dear friends to their babies too!

So.............

Wendy, should something happen to me, you can be SURE that I will be letting Noelle and Nicholas know how much you guys love them! I will tell them all the funny stories and give them lots of hugs and kisses from you Van and Nathan!

And Nichelle, you can be sure that I will be dancing with Adrienne, letting her know how much you and Alvin and Brandice, Charis and Tre miss her and the wonderful ministry that you all have continued.

And Karen, I will definitely be playing with Timmy and giving him hugs and kisses sent from his momma. And he will be so excited to hear that you are going to be a doctor!!!

And Yolanda, I will definitely share with Anna the wonderful ministry that you and she have been doing here on earth, touching so many lives and helping to lead others to Christ. I will let her know how much you love her as well.

And Monica, I will be playing with little Gabbie and giving her hugs and kisses sent from her momma and let her know how brave her momma is and how proud she should be of her ministry and witnessing for the Lord.

And I will visit with Jalen and Becca and Brittany and Priyanka and any other special angels that get there before I do and let them know how they touched the hearts of so many while they were here and tell them how loved they are.

I just wanted to let you all know that should something happen to me...there will definitely be messages passed to your babies! And I too, will await you all there, until we are reunited for eternity in the presence of our Lord and Saviour.

Again, only the Lord knows why He has put it on my heart to write this.....but I have been thinking about it alot. And I would not ever want to leave this world without first letting you guys know that #1--I WILL BE passing on messages and #2---I will await y'all there!

I love you guys, my sisters in the Lord, we are bound by our common sorrow, for only we understand the pain of losing our precious babies.

With Much Love in Him!!!

Yvonne

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 8:20 AM CDT
I miss my baby so much. I guess I will struggle the rest of my life against the "sadness."

I don't like to say depression, because it's not really depression. I guess I associate depression as being sad ALL the time. I am not like that. I am still myself, always trying to be positive and make people smile.....but on the inside, I am fighting this battle. Battling against the tears, trying not to let them out, not wanting to bring everyone around me down too.

If I thought screaming at the top of my lungs "I WANT MY BABY BACK!!!" would get her back...I would. But I know that it won't, so I just hold that urge inside.

I KNOW that my little princess is better off where she is now...I know that she is happy, she is ok, she is safe.... BUT that doesn't stop me from loving her and wanting her here by my side.

Sometimes I cry to the Lord "Lord, I would give ANYTHING and EVERYTHING....just to have my baby back!" But then I correct myself, I know it is not true...because I would not and could not give up my salvation! That is THE most precious thing that I have. Not only because it guarantees me eternal life in heaven, but because it guarantees me an eternal reunion with Leilani! So I could NEVER give that up! If the devil were to offer me a "deal" that if I gave up my salvation to have Leilani back here....I would give a resounding "NO WAY!!!!" Because #1- that would give me a limited amount of time with her here on earth and then eternal damnation (no thanks)...whereas now I am a limited amount of time without her and then eternity in heaven WITH Leilani. #2- Leilani is so much better off where she is now...that would be really selfish of me to bring her back to a world full of evil, sin, pain, suffering and death....she is better off waiting for me there. and #3- I will never betray my God by making any type of deal with the devil! NEVER EVER EVER!

Yes, I am hurting.... I miss my baby terribly. Yet through it all I have to praise His name! Because we really have been so blessed. He has never abandoned us, and has carried us through this and carried us when we are weak. He took her in the best possible way. We had time to prepare and her suffering was minimal. For that we will be forever grateful. And we are most grateful for our salvation..and especially hers! Leilani loved the Lord so much! She was so excited to go to heaven. That alone has been our greatest inspiration. He was with her throughout her illness. THANK YOU LORD!!! FOR LOVING US AND FOR YOUR FAITHFULLNESS!!! THOUGH WE DON'T DESERVE IT, YOU HAVE LOVED US AND BLESSED US....WE PRAISE YOU LORD!

Friday, August 8, 2003 7:29 AM CDT
Good morning!

I have not updated for quite a while. I have been running crazy for the last few weeks.

The week of Leilani's one year anniversary I was so busy I really didn't have time to sit and contemplate. My visitors are gone now....and Wednesday, it hit! I became so depressed. I guess SAD is the word. I don't know, I guess it was a delayed reaction.

So many things were going on Wed. On MOnday night there was a car accident...a drunk driver hit a pick up that had 3 children in it. A 6 y/o girl died immediatly and her 5 and 7 year old brothers were taken to the hospital in critical condition. Well, all Wednesday I was thinking about that family that lost their little girl, and Wednesday night I found out that the 5 yr old boy died too. My heart was so heavy for those parents. Then I found out that a sister in the Lord lost her husband (also a brother in the Lord) in an ATV accident. He was only in his 40's. Again, I cried for Olene...I could only imagine the pain and loneliness that she must feel. His last words were "Ilove you" to his wife. But again, I know that he is in a better place....he was a good man of God....but my heart hurts for Olene and her pain.

Please pray for Olene and for the family of those children. This world is so full of pain and suffering. My heart hurts, not for those who have passed on, but for those who remain....for the pain of living without your loved one is sometimes so unbearable. I know that only the Lord can give us the strength we need to go on without them. Even when I was so "SAD" these past few days, I just kept calling out God in my mind, "Help me Lord, lift me up, fill me with your peace" for I know that only He can do so...without Him there would be no hope, no peace, no rest. I thank Him and praise him for loving us so and caring for us. He promises to never leave us or allow us to be tried beyond what we are able to endure. When we get to that point...He lifts us up and gives us His strength.

You know what? Yesterday He blessed me...I think He was lifting my spirits because I was so sad. I was putting away Leilani's clothes (I've kept her favorites) and putting them in a rubbermaid box. I held her favorite jeans in my hand and contemplated putting them away or keeping them out because I had the idea to make a purse out of them. I looked at the pockets and gasped when I realized that they are big BLUE DRAGONFLIES! All these years we always called them the "butterfly jeans" yet I had never realized that they are actually blue dragonflies! What a special moment! A confirmation of my "sign."

GOD IS GOOD!! Isn't He? That was Leilani's favorite song..."GOD IS GOOD, all the time...He put a song of praise in this heart of mine!" Whenever I say "God is Good" it reminds me of her favorite song. I remember my brother was so touched, says he will never forget how when she was going through radiation, one day we stopped at the Christian bookstore. She had $20 and she wanted to use it to buy a CD of Praise and Worship songs. He said he had never seen an 8 year old girl willing to spend all of her money on a christian CD instead of candy and toys! She was sooo special....

Well, I ask that you all please keep these people in your prayers, along with all of the children that are hurting and battling lifethreatening diseases. And their families, especially those who have already lost a child....for that is a pain that endures forever. Please pray especially for Savannah and Katia and Brittany Z and Ashley and Brandon H and Luke.

May God bless and be with you all!

Yvonne

Thursday, July 31, 2003 12:56 AM CDT
Hello,

I am sorry I have not written lately...I have had such a hectic couple of weeks. We have had tons of houseguests (11 in the past two weeks). My house have been crazy. Plus I am still in school for the summer semester AND I had surgery on my hand last week.

Leilani's 1 year anniversary was last Friday. Thank you, everyone, for all your prayers and special notes. I had surgery the day before and, as I mentioned before, lots of visitors, so I was so busy I really didn't have time to celebrate her one year "spiritual Birthday." We did go out to the chinese buffet....one of mine and Leilani's favorite restaurants...so I think that was a nice way of celebrating. Sometimes I wonder if maybe it wasn't the Lord that kept me so busy around that time... if I hadn't been, it might have been too painful....only He knows, so I trust that He allowed what was best for me.

Well, my visitors leave tomorrow, so maybe then I will be able to sit down and catch up on my computer stuff. I pray that everyone is blessed and doing well. I continue to pray for all the children that are battling....and for all the parents that are hurting....and most importantly, for the spiritual well being of everyone.

May God bless and be with you all.....always!

With Much Love in Him,
Yvonne

Wednesday, July 9, 2003 8:33 PM CDT
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET BABY!
My dearest Leilani,

Today you would have been 10 years old...but instead you will forever be 9 yrs old. I will never get to see you grow into the beautiful young lady that I know you would have been....yet I am sure you are a thousand times more beautiful now in your new, heavenly body.

When we went to Florida I saw Vanessa, your friend from there. She was SOOOO big....practically a young lady. It brought tears to my eyes to think that you would be that size if you were still here. I can't wait to see you again.

We took your presents to the cemetary today. We decorated your grave so beautifully...I know you would have liked it. Yes, they will probably steal all of the stuff...but it's ok. At least it was decorated for today. It's not like you need that stuff anyway. I know it's kind of silly...material things are no longer of interest to you...yet it made me feel better...to be able to buy little things that I know you would have liked while you were here. Sometimes that's the hardest part for me...seeing stuff you would have loved...and not being able to share it with you or see you smile and giggle excitedly over a surprise.

So many things remind me of you....spongebob, powerpuff girls, hawaiian stuff, seashells, kitties, chocolate, flowers, butterflies, ladybugs...and now dragonflies! Every where I turn there is a memory of you. Oh my sweet sweet baby, my life will never again be complete with out you. Yes, I know, we will be together again shortly...but oh, how long the days will be until we can be reunited again. I love you so so so so much. You were my best friend, a part of me...and now I feel so alone. Yes, I keep going for Xavi and Noah...I know they need me too. ANd I love them very much too. But you were my little girl. My one and only. I will never again have a daughter...never again know the special bond between a mother and daughter. It is so ironic that my mom died when I was 9 years old and then my only daughter dies when she is 9 years old. Both times I was only allowed to know the mother/daughter love for 9 short years. Yet I know that God has a speical purpose for all of this...He has a plan and I know He will use it for good.

We sent you some ballons today. We all signed them. we watched them go off into the heavens. WHen I asked Xavi to sign it he looked at me like I was dumb and said "what for, it's gonna pop when it leaves the atmosphere anyway?" Mr Smartiepants. I said "humor me" and he smiled and signed it. Again, I know it's kind of silly...but it really was nice. We had never done that before...but seeing them go so far up up up...I felt that they had to be getting close to you. I put a bird feeder plate on you grave, so the birdies will come eat there. I know how much you loved all animals. We left you a chocolate pudding too....I know that was your favorite! And we had macaroni & cheese and hotdogs for dinner in your honor... your favorite. I also left you a lipgloss and some little figuringes on your grave.

You know something funny? As we were leaving this big dog came to the cemetery. He let us pet him for a minute and then went off to carefully lift his leg and pee on all the flowers in the graveyard! It was so funny. I'm sure some people would have been horrified to see Fido peeing on Grampa Smiths flowers...but I know you would have laughed. I waited to see if he went to your grave...I would have known it was a joke from you if he had...but he didn't... after about 4 or 5 he ran off into the woods.

You know what I was remembering today? When you were first born, your dad of course wasn't really a christian yet and was still drinking. Well, one night he got drunk and was getting all mushy and sentimental saying that now he had "TWO" women in his life. He was sooooo proud of his little girl. That night I got mad. He never showed affection like that when he was sober. I resented the fact that he was saying those things DRUNK. You know, that very night I went to my room and prayed.....I told God from the bottom of my heart, that I could not live like that....I refused to raise my children in a home with a drunken father. ANd God answered my prayer that very night. That was the LAST time your dad ever got drunk! Papi got very sick and threw up for days! He couldn;t understand it.... he was so confused...he hadn;t drank that much yet he was dying! I just smiled. I knew it was a miracle. I said...that's because now you have the holy spirit in you...and where He is, that other junk cannot be at the same time. His friend said I had done witchcraft on him...I said "UH-UH...witchcraft is of the devil and this is the work of the One and only True God... a miracle from Him." Well, the reason I tell you this is I was remembering just how special you were to your father...right from the very day you were born. You know you were a Daddy's girl, you had a very special bond with Papi...but you were also a momma's girl....my sweet little princess. I know it's not fair to other mothers, but sometimes I feel like no other mother could have possibly loved their daughter as much as I love you. But now I know so many other mothers that loved their daughters just as much. They too are hurting. But they have become my good friends, we are drawn together because we understand the pain that we share. We are bonded by that special love. Please give a hug to their children too for us. Please hug Noelle and Nicholas, Adrienne, Anna, Timmy, Gabrielle, Rebecca, Jalen and so many others.

I received a package today from you. With a beautiful dragonfly pin (I will treasure it forever!) In your card you said that once I'm a nurse, I could take care of the children while they are sick here on earth and you will take care of them when they get there! That is such a wonderful thought! To think, we are still working together as a team!

Well, my baby, I must go for now. We had a wonderful time celebrating your birthday today (I made a BIG chocolate cake for you and we sang happy birthday at church! Everybody loved it!). BUt I know that your earthly birthday is not as important as the one that is coming up...on the 25th, it will be your REAL birthday! The day you went HOME to your heavenly Father....I know that is the day you were REALLY born! So we will celebrate your birthday again then. Please know that I love you always and we will be together again one day soon!

With All my Love,

Mommy

Friday, July 4, 2003 7:02 PM CDT
Happy Fourth to All!

Well, we just got back, late last night from WPB....there's no place like home!

Don't get me wrong, I LOVED seeing my friends and family, but after a couple days, one cannot wait to return to one's own bed and home.

My Dad is doing well. His ear and the entire right side of his face is burnt badly from the radiation. My dad is naturally dark skinned so his ear is literally black, burnt to a crisp. His hair has fallen out on the right side of his head and face. He has always been a very handsome man...so this is very humbling for him. He does not want to go anywhere in public. He has also become very hard of hearing from the radiation. Hopefully that will get better afterwards. But I had a hard time talking with him....everything was "WHAT?" "WHAT?" SO I kinda kept it simple. Please continue to pray for him. He has a very positive attitude about the cancer....but my concern is for his salvation. Please pray for his "spiritual" well-being.

We went to our old church....oh how I cried. Just the emotion of seeing our brothers and sisters in the Lord again. Especially since it was our first visit without Leilani. I wore a t-shirt that I made with her picture on it....so it was like she was still with us. My pastor and some other friends from our church have promised to visit my dad...so we'll keep praying.

At the service sunday, the guest speaker preached about friends. He read from Matthew how the Lord, before going into the garden of Getsemani (spelled wrong) had his disciples wait and pray outside. He said, Jesus, who has set the example for all of us on how to live, asked HIS FRIENDS to pray for him. Oh how that hit home! You know, I never ask people to pray for ME! I have no problem asking for someone to pray for so and so or to pray for this person. But I never ask for ME. I always figure it's between me and the Lord. I can ask for myself. But then I thought....if Jesus, who is GOD, asked his friends to pray for Him....then who am I! I am most definitely not stronger than He!!! So I was really convicted that I NEED to ask for prayer as well. So after service, I asked them to pray for me....this week, (7/9) would have been Leilani's 10th birthday....and 7/25 will be her one year anniversary of her going home....so yes, I NEED prayer these next couple weeks. So I humble myself and ask for your prayers. I know the Lord is with me...and He will get me through it....yet I must follow the example of my Lord and ask for prayers. Because if He instructed us to do so...then I MUST need it!

What a blessing it was to see my brothers and sisters in the Lord again. I hadn't realized how much I missed them until I saw them again. I was so emotional. For the first time since we moved away, I actually entertained the thought (though only briefly) of returning to WPB. Of course, the actually town has changed SOOOOOOO much, I don;t think I would want to live there again. And of course, if I go back there, then I would miss my brothers and sisters here! Yes, we are scattered all over...yet one glorious day we will all be together in His presence.

Well my friends. Our fireworks display was postponed for tomorrow. And of course, the forecast for tomorrow is RAIN! But we decided to go to the drive-in and the kids are telling me it is time to go. I will write again soon.

May God bless you all and I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

With Much Love in Him,

Yvonne

Wednesday, June 11, 2003 7:02 PM CDT
Sometimes it is not easy to praise Him amidst our pain....yet we must. Bittersweet....little Jalen is finally in heaven...in the presence of our Lord...no more pain, no more suffering....yes, he is in a better place now, for him...I am happy. Yet for Jeanette, his mom, my heart hurts. I know the pain she is feeling now. I know how she must miss him so right now...longing to hug and kiss her little man. I pray that the Lord will fill her with His peace and heal her broken heart.

Yet, out of her pain, I received a blessing! God is so good....He promises to take all bad things and use them for good to those that love him...and He does! He has most definitely used Leilani's death to bring us closer to Him and others as well. As I was reading through some of the journal entries before sending her a note, I read a story that someone shared with her. Tracy sent her the story of "The Dragonfly." I was so touched by the story! I immediately sent it to my friend, Wendy, to share it with her. This last weekend I also went to a grief camp. There I met some wonderful women, who have also experienced the loss of a child. I shared the story with them as well. Here is the story and then I will tell you how I was blessed by it.

THE DRAGON FLY STORY

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.
"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. "one of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return...
"That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.
No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. "I have an idea". "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."
"We promise", they said solemnly.
One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.
When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings...The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!
Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.
The dragonfly remembered the promise: "the next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why." Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...
"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."
And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.......
Thank you God, for the story of the water bugs and the dragonflies.

Isn't that beautiful? Well, Saturday, at the grief camp, they had a candlelight service. It was completely secular, God was not included, so I wasn't really listening (because ALL of my strength comes from Him!) but as we were walking, I was looking at the sky....it was so beautiful, the clouds were so picturesque in the pink sunset....and I was talking to God and to Leilani. I asked God, if only He could let her come back, just for a moment, to let me know that she is ok, to give me some sort of "SIGN." You see, my friends have all reported getting a "sign" from their child and I always complain that "I want a sign!" (smile) But as I prayed that, I thought of the dragonfly story and said..."no, she can;t come back! She's a dragonfly now! Her new body cannot come back in the 'water' ....besides, why would she WANT to come back to this world? I am sure she is flying allover heaven in her new body....having a wonderful time!!!

Well, the very next day, I went to a pigeon meeting with my husband. I felt a little out of place cause it was all men talking "pigeon business" so I went with the kids to wait in the van. As I was sitting there, I noticed something to the left...I looked up and it was a dragonfly!!! The biggest and most beautiful one I have ever seen in my life!!! It was about 4 inches long and a BRIGHT SKY BLUE....Leilani's favorite color!!!! I scooted over to the driver's seat to look at it more closely. It stayed there for about 3 minutes. Then it flew away. I said "Come back Mr. Dragonfly! You're my SIGN!!" And about 30 seconds later it came back! It stayed for about 5 more minutes. I just KNEW that it was my sign! I had not seen a dragonfly in about 25 years...since I was a kid! And I NEVER saw a bright blue one like that! I know it was no coincidence! Dragonflies are now so special to me! Thank you Tracy, for sharing that story! Not only did you bless me, but you blessed so many others with it!

God Bless you All!!
Thank you Lord for my SIGN!!!!!

Friday, May 30, 2003 11:17 AM CDT
Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
AMEN!!!!

Oh Lord we praise you for your heavenly promises...for the hope of eternal life with you..and most importantly, we thank you for our salvation!!! For it is through you, Lord Jesus, that I have the promise of reunion with my sweet Leilani. Because you died for us...we can be reunited forever in paradise.

Thank You Lord!

Tuesday, May 20, 2003 11:37 AM CDT
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MINI!!!!

Today would have been my big sister's 44th birthday. She died in a car accident 5 years ago.

Leilani, make sure you give Titi Mini a (((BIG HUG))) for me. Of course, Mini, make sure you give an even bigger one to my baby too!

I bet they're eating the biggest chocolate cake in heaven today. I once saw a t-shirt that said "If there's no chocolate in heaven...I'm not going!" I laugh, because I can picture Leilani saying that. Of course, we know it's just a joke....I'm sure the stuff in heaven is infinitely better than chocolate....of course, our earthly minds are unable to comprehend that concept...I know I can not imagine anything better..(smile)...but by faith. :)

Well, things are going ok. A constant struggle...but the Lord gets me though every time. He is so good...He has never let me down.

Here is the verse for the day:
1 Peter 1:7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: 8 Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom though now you see whom not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full glory: 9 Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your soul!

What an awesome thought! Our trials will bring praise and honor and glory to our Lord upon His return! All we have to do is keep loving Him!....which is easy to do. Because He is so good to us. Yes, we hurt, and yes we struggle...yet He is with us. We sin and rebel....yet He loves us. We reject and dishonor Him...yet He died for us. We do not deserve all the mercy and grace He has given us, yet He continues to shower us with it! He is so so GOOD!

Please pray for little Jalen...Oh how I pray that He fill both he and his mommy with His love, peace and strength. He has been sent home on hospice, they say nothing more can be done for him. And please pray for the Solomon family...they are going through a difficult time...pray that the Lord be with them and fill them with His strength and peace as well. ANd for my friends, Wendy and Nichelle...that the Lord fill them with His love, peace and strength as they grieve the loss of their children. And please pray for my father's salvation, as he battles this cancer.

Yes, there is so much pain in the world....Oh how it hurts...not just my own loss, but to see my dear friends hurt as well. I wish I could just wipe away all the tears and pain...but I cannot. All I can do is pray....because the Lord CAN console them like no one on this earth can do.
Revelations 21:4 says:

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away."

WOW!!!! What a glorious glorious day!!! Let us focus our eyes on that promise!!! For everything in this world will come to an end... let us store our treasures in heaven... for THAT is our REAL eternal HOME!!! I will carry my cross here on this earth...for HIM....keeping my eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel!! Until that glorious day of our reunion!

Thank you Jesus!

Tuesday, May 13, 2003 8:31 AM CDT
Hello Friends!

I pray that everyone is doing well. I'm sorry for not writing in a while, as you know, the final two weeks of the semester can be hectic. Lots of final exams and projects to turn in. I am happy to report that I believe I did well in all of them.

I hope everyone had a special Mother's Day. My thoughts and prayers were with all my special friends that have lost a child. I prayed and continue to pray that the Lord fill you all will peace heal your hurting hearts.

Mine went ok. We went to the cemetary to see Leilani's grave. What better way to spend Mother's Day than to go to where my baby rests. It always hurts to think that my baby is just inches under my feet and I can't hold her.

I honestly did not think that Mother's Day would be hard for me. I figure "it's just another day" I'm not going to miss her any more than I do on any other day. I miss her EVERY day...she is my daughter EVERY day. Yet, I did find myself to be a little emotional. Especially as the pastor preached on "mothers" and on a mother's love. I really do love my baby with all my heart. At one point he said that he believes a mother is more likely to lay down her life for her child. If I COULD have given my life to save Leilani, I would have. That is one of the most frustrating parts of seeing your child suffer...knowing that there is nothing we can do to stop it. If there were ANYTHING at all that we could do...I have no doubt that all of us mom's would do it...no matter what the cost!

I would like to share a bible verse that my friend Nichelle shared with me. It really touched my heart and I have been thinking of it ever since:

Hebrews 12:2- Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the
author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy
set before Him endured the cross, scorning it's
shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne
of God.

Words to live by!!! First of all, this tells us that Jesus focused on the "joy set before Him" in order to endure the suffering of the cross. This gives us the key to enduring the pain of life without our child....FOCUS ON THE JOY SET BEFORE US! What is that joy? Our heavenly reunion with our Lord AND our child! THe verse starts...."let us fix our eyes on Jesus...".....by doing that, we are actually focusing on "the joy set before us"..because it is through Him that we have that promise, that hope, that JOY!

So we must FOCUS OUR EYES ON JESUS! For if He could endure the cross, then we can endure this TEMPORARY separation from our child. Yes, it hurts....but can we compare our pain to the pain that our Lord endured for us? Having no sin, he CHOSE to do that FOR US!!! I used to have a little plaque in my kitchen (somehow it got lost during one of my last two moves) that said (translated from spanish) "If Jesus Christ IS GOD, and He suffered the cross for ME...therefore, there is no pain on this earth that is too great for me to suffer for Him!!" Though that plaque is gone...the words are forever engraved in my heart. I now endure my pain for Him.....He is my strength, He is my hope, He is my redeemer, my Savior, my Lord, my life!!! I know that though it hurts...He is with me. And I know that He has promised not to let me suffer more than I am able to endure....therefore, if it gets to be too much...I just call upon Him and He fills my heart with peace and comforts me...true to His word....now and forever.

Well my friends, may the Lord be with you and bless you. Thank you for all your prayers. Please continue to pray for my father's salvation. His cancer is one of the most aggressive types there is....please pray that the Lord will use this experience to bring him closer to Him.

With Much Love in Christ, Yvonne

Sunday, May 4, 2003 2:10 PM CDT
Hello Friends!

I am so sorry for not keeping up with my journal....finals have kept me oh so busy. One more week and I can take a deep breath....and then start all over again! (smile)

There is one thing that I would like to share. The other day, as I was studying for my abnormal psychology exam, I had an interesting revelation. We were studying personality disorders. I realized that one of them describes to a tee someone in my family. But as I read on, I began to realize that I have known so many people with these same symptoms. I thought, here we were so quick to "judge" that person and say they are "mean" or "bad" or "selfish", yet I was realizing that they were actually SICK! These were personality disorders, illnesses, and some people simply cannot control..or do not realize, that they have a problem.

I remembered Leilani, when she was first put on the high doses of decadron. She became a zombie. When she did communicate it was always some NEGATIVE remark. We joked that she had become a little "B" witch. But eventually we all became so miserable that I cried to the dr..."this is NOT my child!" I cannot take this anymore. At that point she was doing so well, that he said we could start weaning her off of the decadron. We went from 16mg/day to 8. Two days later she began smiling again! Then we went down to 4 mg...adn she started giggling and playing again. Then we went down to 2 and she was running and laughing! What a difference...night and day! She said. "Mommy, I NEVER want to be on that medicine again!" So I told her...then you wont! If you don;t want it....you do not have to take it.

Needless to say, I was thinking, how during that time that she was on the high doses...she was so mean, so selfish, so sad, so depressing...and that was simply not like her! It was like she turned into a different person.And it was out of her control. To think, a chemical, turned her into a different person. And I thought, how many other people does that happen to? How many people do we think are "healthy" and we judge them to be mean, or rude or nasty, when in actuality, it may be because of a chemical imbalance in their body.....maybe on the inside they are nice people! I would have hated for anyone to think that Leilani was a nasty little girl...she really wasnt! She was a precious little sweetheart! That is why we never made her go on the high doses of decadron again! She didn;t want it...and if she would rather live four "HAPPY" months than eight "SAD" months....then I agree. Because being happy is what we have to be while we are on this earth....it is for such a short time.

So that is my little lesson that the Lord revealed to me! To not be so quick to judge others....because we don;t always know the whole story. "Judge not, lest ye be judged!" I have always smiled at the bumper sticker that says "MEAN PEOPLE SUCK." I have always kind of agreed! (smile) But I guess now, I have to think twice about first thinking about whether or not that person is actually mean or might they be sick? I suppose the MEAN PEOPLE SUCK sticker still applies to people like Saddam Hussain and Fidel Castro! They ARE mean!

Well, I have to get to work on my english project. After this week I will be off for a little while before summer session starts...so hopefully I will have a little time to work on Leilani's website.

I ask that you please keep my dad in your prayers, who was diagnosed with a malignancy in the parotid salivary gland. My primary prayer is for his salvation. And most importantly, for all of the little children that are fighting these horrible diseases.....Brandon H, Katia S, Jalen, Jenny, Savannah, Brittany Z, Cody, Zac, and oh so many more!! I pray that the Lord will be with them, fill them with peace and strength and that He heal their hurts!
I also pray daily for the other parents...that have lost a child to one of these horrible diseases. I pray that the Lord fill them with peace and heal their hurting hearts. I pray for those in my grief group, the Lord has blessed me with the privelege of sharing and supporting each other. And I praise Him and thank Him for all of the wonderful friends that He has given me to support each other in our grief. Wendy, Karen, Nichelle and Yolanda!! You guys are such blessings to me! I am truly inspired by your faith and strength! It is such an honor to be your friend and sisters in the Lord!!!

With Much Love in Christ! Yvonne

Wednesday, April 23, 2003 9:37 PM CDT
Oh, to do it all again…..erase the board and start over.
Can I say I would do things any differently? Probably not.

Oh, to do it all again, knowing what I know now…….yes, then I would have done things differently.

If we could travel in time….how crazy would the world be? Would there ever be anyone in the present? Every one will be bouncing back and forth…..back to see loved ones, forth to see what the future holds.

God knows what He’s doing……this I know.

Sometimes I just sit and write my thoughts down on paper. It may seem like mumbo jumbo huh? But they're just thoughts that race through my mind.

There is so much in this world that we could never understand. If I sat here and racked my brains trying to figure out life I would either drive myself crazy or worry myself to death. I guess true wisdom comes from being able to just put it into God's hands and TRUST! Will I ever get to that point? I hope so.

A wise man once said, the older and wiser I get...the more I realize how little I know.

It's so true. Even the most brilliant genius in the world would be a fool to think he knows more than God. He may be able to figure out the science and how it works....but he can't MAKE IT WORK!!

The one concept that I cannot even begin to fathom....it literally makes me dizzy and short of breath to think of it is INFINITY! Not even gonna go there. But to think that God is infinite....WOW! I know that this little bitty bean mind of mine is not capable of understanding such a great concept, therefore, I avoid it. To try to understand it would be burning the candle from both ends...I'll burn my mind out!

So I have to humble myself as a child and just trust my Heavenly Father to care for those things. One day He will bless me with a Heavenly body, and maybe then I may be able to comprehend His greatness....if not.....oh, well... I 'll just keep trusting Him!!

Well, gotta go to bed now. I have a long 2 weeks ahead of me. Finals! UGHH! Hopefully I will be able to post during that time...if not, fear not....I will be back.

Leilani got a quilt the other day from "twiggs". Oh, it is SOOOOO beautiful. I cried, it is so perfect. Check it out if you get a chance....
http://spreadingsmiles.com/memquilts/leilanilynne/leilanilynne.htm
Well, hope everyone continues to feel blessed. Remember to trust in Him.....Cast all your cares upon the Lord and He will care for you!!!!

With Lots of Love, Yvonne

Saturday, April 19, 2003 1:39 PM CDT

I just wrote a new poem for Leilani.... The poem really sums up what I am feeling today.

ONE WISH

If I could have one wish….just one, there is no doubt of what it would be.
To have you with me once again, laughing happily.

If I could have one wish…just one, I could hold you in my arms again.
Kissing your nose and loving you, my sweet little Leilani Lynne.

If I could have one wish…just one, my life would again be complete.
Having my princess by my side again, oh that would be so sweet!

But I have to be patient, we will meet again, for our Heavenly Father has told me so.
Yet it hurts so much to be here now…..how could I possibly let you go?

Please know, my baby, that I love you so….my heart feels as if it will break.
But I will carry my cross, and await till it’s time, for my sweet Savior’s sake.

By: Yvonne Fernandez

Saturday, April 19, 2003 1:28 PM CDT
I just wrote this poem for Leilan. The poem sums up what I am feeling today.

ONE WISH

If I could have one wish….just one, there is no doubt of what it would be.
To have you with me once again, laughing happily.

If I could have one wish…just one, I could hold you in my arms again.
Kissing your nose and loving you, my sweet little Leilani Lynne.

If I could have one wish…just one, my life would again be complete.
Having my princess by my side again, oh that would be so sweet!

But I have to be patient, we will meet again, for our Heavenly Father has told me so.
Yet it hurts so much to be here now…..how could I possible let you go?

Please know, my baby, that I love you so….my heart feels as if it will break.
But I will carry my cross, and await till it’s time, for my sweet Savior’s sake.

By: Yvonne Fernandez

Friday, April 18, 2003 6:35 PM CDT
Hello! Hope everyone is doing well. I am so sorry for not writing lately. Things have been so crazy lately. Apart from being sick, probably with a kidney infection, this last week, we had a major leak in our bathroom and we had to do some major home repairs last weekend! Hopefully everything is now under control.

Well, I didn't know what to write about at first, but today I had an inspiration. My brother came to me wanting to know why I talk so much about dying. He thinks I should focus more on "life" and "living" every day that we are here instead of worrying about what's going to happen. I know his intentions are good...but I didn't even explain myself, because I just don't think he will understand. I think only a parent that has lost a child can truly understand how your whole outlook on life changes. We no longer live for "life" or enjoyment, or "having a good time." All of our hope....what keeps us going and gives us the strength to go on, is to focus on the ETERNAL.

I feel like I DO have to make sure I leave the path paved for my children should I have to leave this world early. My mom died at age 38 ( I am now 34). My sister died at age 38 five years ago. And my daughter died at age 9. Apart from several other deaths in my family, I think this alone is anough to WARRANT me making sure I let people know what I want done when I die.

My NUMBER ONE concern, my MAIN prayer, what matters MOST to me, is that my sons, Xavier and Noah, get to heaven! This is my main inspiration to care for myself and better my life. I KNOW that I am going to heaven....I know that Leilani IS in heaven.....I know that my husband is going....and right now I believe my boys are going. But what if, when I die, nobody worries about their spiritual wellbeing and they get lost in the world? I have to make sure that they are set on the right path to a personal relationship with the Lord, that they are taught God's Word, and that someone is always praying for them. THIS is why I make plans for "when I die."

I am having some health problems. I don;t know what it could be, neither do the doctors. But I do know that it hurts...and I know that something is not right. Nobody knows my body better than I do....therefore, I don;t think I am crazy for thinking about the POSSIBILITY of there being something seriously wrong.

Yesterday I began thinking, "what if these tests results are bad?" I began thinking what would I do to prepare for my death? What would anybody do to prepare for our own death? Again, my immediate thought was for my boys. I know my husband will remarry....that is fine...it is expected...not an issue. BUT......I grew up the victim of an abusive step-mother that hated my brother and I just for being another womans children. My mother had died, and I so longed for my step-mother's acceptance...I tried to win her love, but she hated me...and at the time I did not understand why. Of course, my stepfather remarried a wonderful woman who adopted my baby brother and spiritually adopted my other brother and I....but that's another story, another day.

Anyway, I began thinking, how can I make sure my husband marries a woman that loves the Lord and not just the first "pretty thing" that comes his way. I began thinking of the single women that I know and there is only one woman I could think of that I feel my husband would like and that I KNOW would worry about the spiritual well-being of my boys for me. Of course, this is not to say that she would HAVE my husband :) This is just my imagination running wild here...she has NO IDEA that I was thinking about this. I know that this friend loves me very much and if I asked her to look out for my boys' spiritual well-being, she would do it, not to say that she would marry my husband...or even to say that she would even have to, but I know she would do anything for me.

Well, yesterday I was telling my husband about my crazy thoughts. He wanted to know WHO this person was that I thought he would like and would be a good mom. I did not want to tell him. I was embarrassed to admit what I had been thinking. I told my husband, if I tell you, you might want to rub me out just to move on to her! (SMile--me and my husband play around like that!) He finally convinced me to tell him. The first thing out of his mouth was..."she wouldn't have me!!!" We laughed about it, because we both know that I was just thinking silly. Needless to say, this horrified my brother! He could not believe the morbidity of me picking out my husbands next wife!!! Now he thinks I'm a real BASKETCASE! (smile) I just think it is so hard to explain!!! How can you make someone understand that #1- it was mostly silly fantasizing on my part...#2- It's not so much picking a wife for my husband...but a mother for my sons! #3 It is because I have been so traumatized by early deaths in my life, that I can't help but plan...just in case! #4- It's not that I worry about dying...I would love to see Leilani and my Lord....but I worry about leaving the boys.

You know, this friend of mine that I have been talking about, lives 900 miles away in Florida. I know that she has no interest in marrying...the Lord is #1 in her life, and she would never marry anyone that did not feel the same. That is why I respect her so much. She is so beautiful and could really have any man she wants...but she chooses to hold out and put the Lord first and if He sends someone to her that Loves Him just as much as she...then that's great...but if not, she will not settle for less. SO you see, my little fantasy that I had was actually a tribute to the respect I have for my friend and how I know she would be a great mother to my boys...it really had nothing to do with my husband, other than I'm sure he would find her attractive, any man would be crazy not to...she's perfect.

Well, I'm sorry if I bored you with the scary details of my morbid mind! (smile) I guess I am just expressing myself, which I guess is an important part of this memorial page...it is therapeutic for me and supposed to help me work though my grief and my thoughts.

I pray that everyone is doing well. I continue to pray for all of the grieving parents, especially those that the Lord has blessed me with the privelege of knowing and sharing our grief. And I especially pray for the children....those that are suffering and battling horrible tumors or diseases. But most importantly, I pray for the salvation of all who do not know the Lord. Because, bottom line, eternity is all that matters. It doesn't matter what happens to me during this life....what matters is where I am going and how I will spend eternity. And the same goes for everyone else....all that matters is where we are going! SO if you have not invited Jesus into your heart...that is all you need to do....that simple prayer, saying "Jesus, please come into my heart--- I believe in YOU!" will change your eternity!! With that comes the peace of knowing WHATEVER happens to you on this earth....is really just a minor detail....all that matters is FOREVER!!!

God Bless you all! With Lots of Love, Yvonne

Sunday, April 6, 2003 6:22 PM CDT

Well, I made it through another week. I guess that's what we have to do....make it through one day at a time. Most of the time I am too busy to even think....I think it's best that way.

I am so touched by the beautiful entries and messages that people have left me. To think that Leilani's testimony may bless somebody or bring them closer to the Lord is really THE most wonderful thing I could think of! What a blessing! When you think about it, even though she passed on to a better place, we continue to work TOGETHER! My ministry, our testimony, continues to be OUR work. The Lord just revealed that to me moments ago. What a pleasant thought, to think that, though I have to continue the rest of my journey on this earth without her....we are still working together! God is so good!

Leilani's illness and passing has really changed all of our lives. Her illness just seemed to mature her so much. She became so "spiritually wise" that we were often in awe of her. The peace and wisdom that she displayed could only come from God. An 8 year old child cannot just think of these things.... I truly believe that He was WITH her and speaking to her throughout her illness.

Everybody that knew her, I believe, is a better person for having known her. I know especially within my marriage. My husband and I have been completely spun around and made to focus on the things of the Lord. One gets so caught up with work, the bills, cooking dinner, doing the laundry, cutting the grass....that without realizing it, you have eliminated the Lord- His Word, His presence, His everything! from your life. The day she was diagnosed....I KNEW that it was a turning point in my life...nothing would ever be the same. And now that she is gone...I still KNOW that nothing will be the same. I guess in some ways for the better. Now I no longer care about material things. I honestly feel my house can burn to the ground and I would not care. Really. As long as I have the Lord, my salvation and my family....the material things just do not matter. Any way you look at it, none of those things can be taken with us. We will all eventually have to die and the only thing that I CAN take with me would be the souls that I lead to Christ. That would be my TREASURE in heaven!!!

So whatever trials the devil sends my way....I know I can get through it. Because the Lord is with me. And if He is allowing me to go through this trial, He will get me through it. He promises not to let me go through more than I can handle. A couple times I reached that point....where I could not stand it anymore. Each time I called upon the Lord and reminded Him of His promise. And you know what? EVERY SINGLE TIME HE IMMEDIATELY STEPPED IN AND DELIVERED ME! I could write a book on my testimonies and all of the wonderful blessings He has given me (maybe one day I will!) So I could not give the details on this webpage....but everytime I called upon Him, He heard me. Yes, I have suffered. Yes, I have hurt, And BOY HAVE I CRIED! But He has always stepped in and delivered me just when I cannot take anymore... and that is what He promises. He never said our lives would be a bed of roses. But He does promise that He won;t let us go through more that what we are able to bear.

He tells us to store our treasures in heaven...not on this earth. That is what I am doing now. I now have one of my most precious possessions stored in heaven. She awaits me there and one day we will be reunited. I have to continue my journey here on this earth as I continue to "deposit" into my heavenly account. Once the Lord sees that my treasure box is full, He will call me home, to partake in His eternal blessings. THAT is now my focus in life. That is my goal. That is what gets me through all of the tears and pain....knowing that he will one day wipe those tears away and embrace me into eternity!

Well, my friends, again I thank you for visiting and allowing me to share our testimony with you. May the Lord bless each and everyone of you and fill you with His peace. I know you are probably facing a painful journey as well, but I encourage you to focus on our ETERNAL HOME and store your treasures in heaven as well.

With MUCH Love,

Yvonne

Sunday, March 30, 2003 4:15 PM CST
Hi all! I guess I will follow the advice of a dear friend, who recommends that I write a letter to Leilani as part of my grief work.

Dear Leilani,
Hi baby! I miss you so so sosososososososoososoo much! I hope you are having a great time there in heaven. Noah's jealous, he says it's not fair that you got to go to heaven first. I agree....it's not fair! :)

I cannot say I miss you enough. Every moment, that thought constantly comes to mind. I guess if I could sum up my feelings in 3 words, it would be "I MISS YOU." Life is just not the same with out you. I feel a big piece of my heart is missing. My little girl. My little princess. My heavenly flower. Oh, what I would give to be able to hold you in my arms again! To kiss your little lips. You are so original. There is no one else in this world like you. No one could ever take your place. Your personality, your giggles, your smile.

So many things remind me of you....Spongebob, chocolate pudding, macaroni & cheese and hotdogs, strawberry banana baby food, seashells, kitties, the beach, tweety bird, flowers....especially funny movies! When I see a funny/cute movie, I can;t stop imagining you giggling at something funny. I gave Xavi the Country Bears movie for Christmas from you. I cried through the whole movie cuz I know you would have LOVED IT! I also gave Noah Stuart Little 2 from you for Christmas...that was cute too, you would have liked it, but I didn;t cry for that one.

There is so much I wish I could ask you. Is my grampa and grandma there? I hope so. They were wonderful people, I don;t know if they ever accepted the Lord. The more I think about it, I am almost sure they are there. They may not have gone to church but I do remember them loving the Lord. If they are there, please give them a hug from me. Is my mom there? I was so young when she died, I don;t know if she was saved or not....again I hope so. Give her a hug too. I know my sister Mini is there! I hope she's taking good care of you (or you taking good care of her!) give her a kiss for me too. Tell her I am so glad she accepted the Lord before she died. I had prayed for her salvation for so long. She may have left this world too early, but at least we will be together again one day. I guess it's nice that you have so many people from the family there to take care of you. Gosh, if Uncle Skipper is there, that is GOOD news. That means God is a very forgiving God. Of course, we know He is, but He has set some rules for us to be able to have eternal life. I only hope that He, at some point, invited Jesus into his heart. If so, what a wonderful thing!

Baby, I don't know what else to say. All that comes to mind is I miss you! Like I said, I can't say it enough. If God will let you come to me in a dream, I would LOVE that! I get so jealous of other parents that say they had a dream. I always have crazy dreams, but even so, if I am able to hold you or kiss you, it is still a good dream.

I guess I will have to learn to hold it all in until it is time for us to reunite. I know that we will be together one day. You know I would love nothing more than to be with you right now, but for your brothers I have to stay and make sure they get to heaven as well. And for God, I have to spread the gospel and get as many people there as possible. Just like you told me that time, "Mommy, you stay here to tell people about Jesus and I'll go to heaven now and wait for you there." I know you are waiting for me there. And you are in good hands. Please give Jesus a big hug for me. Tell Him that I love Him very much and I am living for Him now. Ask Him to be with me and guide me as I continue my journey on this earth.

Well my sweet baby. I will see you soon. After my work is done here I will be coming HOME as well. I'll be missing you in the meantime and I will love you FOREVER!

With LOTS AND LOTS of love FOREVER....... Mommy

Thursday, March 27, 2003 5:00 PM CST
Hello ALL,

Hope everyone is doing well and feeling blessed. I know I do, feel blessed that is. I miss Leilani so much, but I will be forever grateful for the blessing that she was and forever will be to us.

Her faith was such a blessing. I just changed the background to her site to the "God is Love" deco. She was always writing that. She loved to write and doodle, and I find doodled "God is Love"s all over the place. One day, when I figure out how to download pics, I will put one of her drawings on this site. It is my favorite and I have it framed. She drew pretty little flowers outside in the grass and wrote above it, "GOD IS OUR LIGHT, WE ARE HIS GARDEN....IF YOU BELIEVE IN HIM YOU WILL GROW, IF YOU DON'T YOU WILL DIE" That was her own little poem! When I first read that I cried....from the mouth of babes! Why is it that some adults have so much trouble understanding something so simple that little children seem to "get it" better than we can? God says for us to come to Him as little children....that innocence, complete submission and trust that children have...that is what we should have for Him.

Her illness matured her so much. She became my little wise one, so brave and strong. Sometimes I wonder how she would have grown up, I will never know what she would have grown up to look like. But then I think what a blessing it is to have an "eternal little girl." She will forever be 9 years old. Precious and inncocent and beautiful. I wonder what she looks like in heaven, she has a new "heavenly body". I'm sure she is more beautiful than our minds could possibly imagine. I think this is what most of us moms that have lost a child would wish for...if we could only just SEE THEM...for a few minutes, just to know they are ok. But I trust that God knows what He's doing. In His perfect time we will someday see and understand all of these things. And once we see His GREAT PLAN we will say "OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH! I see now!" And then we will PRAISE Him for eternity for his greatness and love for us.

Well, I thank you all for visiting Leilani's page. I DO hope to learn how to do more stuff on it and make it more interesting with every visit. Step by step.....

God bless you all. Please remember to pray for our leaders and our troops and for "all involved". And please remember to pray for the children who are battling diseases and their families...and for the families who have already lost a child, for peace and healing for their hearts.

Love in Christ,
Yvonne

Sunday, March 23, 2003 9:06 PM CST
HI to all!

Thank you, everyone who has visited Leilani's page. I really appreciate all of your comments in the guestbook. I love to go there and see who has came and hear what they have to say.

Everyone here is doing just fine. I had the BEST dream about Leilani the other night! She was back for one night and I was holding her and hugging her and kissing her! Of course, I cried and cried thoughout my dream, but it was still a good dream because all of the kisses and hugs seemed so real. I had the dream Friday night so last night I just closed my eyes and remembered the lovin! (That's what we used to call it! Leilani would say, "mommy, come give me some lovin" and she would hold me and give me butterfly kisses). That's the hardest part of our separation....not being able to hold her and kiss her. I know we will be together again. I know she is in a wonderful place. Those things do not worry me. I just wish I could still hug her and kiss her!! That's what makes that dream so special...because it seemed so real.

Well, I hope everyone is doing well. May God bless you all. Please keep all of the parents who have lost a child in your prayers. Asking the Lord to fill them with His peace and heal their hurting hearts. And also remember the children who are battling for their life right now AND their parents- for the Lord to heal them and give them strength to endure their trial. I do so daily.

Thanks again for visiting!
God Bless you!

Yvonne Fernandez

Wednesday, March 19, 2003 8:43 PM CST
Howdy Y'all!!!

Well, I finally come to update my baby's page. Today is her Daddy's birthday. I'm sure she sends him lots of love from heaven. She was definitely a "daddy's girl."

I wrote her a poem and posted it today. I hope you like it. Everyone is doing well. The boys are just fine. I have been hurting alot lately, but the Lord will get us through. It's kind of like a roller coaster. There are times when I feel so blessed, so excited about the future, having a ministry, helping others, working with children, and touching other lives. There are times that I can see how the Lord will use all that we have been though for good, just as He promises. But then there are times when it just hurts so much it feels like my heart will break. But as usual...He gives us strength and gets us through.

I hope everyone is doing well. May the Lord bless and keep you all!

Love in Christ,
Yvonne

Thursday, March 13, 2003 9:16 PM CST
Well, I am just starting this page. Bear with me while I get it set up. Very soon I will be adding pictures and updating...I just need a little time to get it going. Thanks Wendy for helping me get it started! :)

Click here to go back to the main page.

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