History

Thursday, December 29, 2005 10:04 PM CST

Hello everyone!

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and we would like to wish you all a Happy New Year.

Our Christmas was very quiet. I went to Kentucky Friday after work. We made the BIG mistake Saturday of going to the mall in Clarksville, but we survived. Then we went to the Shaw's for dinner. Todd was home from Iraq for two weeks, so it was really good to see him. Todd's mother, sister and two nieces from California were there as well as Jenn's sister and niece from California. There were several friends from Ft. Campbell there and some Shaw relatives from Nashville. The food was really good and the company was very enjoyable. Todd has left to back to Iraq. Godspeed Todd, come home safe and bring Phillip with you.

Christmas day the Brown girls and I just stayed home. We had a very quiet day. We declared it a "No crying for Ryan Day". We had to remind each other of that a few times, but we made it through the day. Phillip was on line, and wouldn't you know it, Elizabeth had just opened her Christmas presents.

Speaking of Elizabeth and Christmas presents, she could care less. We had to help her open them and then she was worried about making sure the paper was put away. She was funny, but it took forever to open her gifts.

Andrea and Elizabeth are coming to Missouri tomorrow for the weekend. We will be ringing in the New Year with Tony and Ashton.

Andrea is doing really good with her pregnancy, they are now trying to decide on a name for our new baby boy. I am sure they will pick the right name, Ryan will see to it.

Phillip is doing good. Please continue to pray for his safe arrival as well as the other men and women fighting for our freedom.

Please keep all of the caringbridge families in your prayers. Please pray for our family and other families to have the strength to go through everyday without their little ones. And, pray for the kids still fighting the fight, they could be our miracle.

Ryan, we miss you Buddy. You are with us everywhere we go and in everything we do. We miss your smile, your laugh, your hugs, and hearing your voice. Everytime we get together, we all tell Ryan stories and go from crying to laughing to crying to laughing. I know it makes you happy to know that you are making us laugh.

God Bless you all and have a Happy and Blessed New Year.

Nana Sherry

Monday, December 19, 2005 9:35 PM CST

NEW PICTURES!!!

Hello all,

Sorry I had to take daddy's entry down, if I left it up than he wouldn't ever do another one.

Elizabeth and I went back to Missouri last week, for Nana's birthday. We stayed up there all week, went for a few visits, and came back on Friday. It is nice to be home, but sometimes I hate coming home to a house with just Elizabeth and I. While up there, we went to Quincy, Il. to see the Christmas light display. Decorating and looking at Christmas lights were two of Ryan's favorite things to do this time of year, of course the presents too. Elizabeth seemed like she could have cared less, until we saw one particular light display that looked like fireworks, those were his all time favorite things to see. She just made noises and giggled, I am wondering if someone wasn't there, making her laugh for Nana and I.

It is hard to do these things, look at Christmas lights, go shopping, put up the tree, have Elizabeth's pictures taken, and just about every daily task. But, I try to remember on a daily basis, that he would want Elizabeth to have the same privileges and childhood that he was able to have, and just because he is not here, doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to do those things too. It is hard to get through, but I know he is watching me, holding my hand, and helping me through all of these things. I try to think he is sharing all of these experiences with us still, not physically but spiritually. It makes me feel like he is still alive. I have to do some of the things I do, for all 4 of us, Phillip, Elizabeth, Ryan and I. Even though we are not all together, we can still be a family by doing the things that we do every year. We did these things as a family and will continue to do these things as a family, no matter where life takes us.

I had to get more ready for Christmas. I have had a hard time going shopping, so I think of what I want to buy, go to that store, get what I need, and leave. My shoppers aren't here with me this year, Phillip and Ryan could spend all day in a mall if you would let them. They certainly liked to shop, so it has been really hard to do it this year without them. But, we must all do things that are hard, or that we don't want to do.

As I have said before, each and every day is hard. Each and every day, about a million times, I think of Ryan. I still cry at least once a day for him. I miss him so much it hurts inside, my heart breaks because he is not here with me. I love him more than words can describe! He is and always will be my baby boy!

I was reading some of the journal entries from last December, and on the same day last year. He received a phone call from Santa (Uncle Cory), and was so excited. He would get packages in the mail, put them under the tree, and than open them right away. Everday he would ask first thing in the morning if it were Christmas yet. He and Daddy would ride 4-wheelers constantly while daddy was off of work, and Ryan was off of school. He was just estatic when he opened his fire skateboard, and his riding gear, that all matched (boots, shirt, gloves, pants, the works), it was also the same color as his 4-wheeler. We wanted him to have everything he wanted last Christmas, because we didn't know what the future would hold for our family. So, he had a wonderful Christmas, that has to last us a lifetime.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Please continue to pray for our family, families going through the holidays without a loved one, and families still battling this horrible disease we call cancer. Please pray for our troops and their families.

Remember to sign the guestbook, your entries still mean so much to us, and we pull strength from the words written on there.

Love to all,
Andrea

Also, we are still selling Ryan's wristbands. They are $5 apiece.

Monday, December 12, 2005 0:27 AM CST

SURPRISE ITS ME DADDY!
I had the most wonderful dream about our little buddy last night an it made me think about what i have and what i hav lost. Being over in the blackhole has also relized that yo dont enjoy the things you see or touch everyday until they are gone. i miss everyone so much. i miss ryan and think of him every second of the day. He and my wonderful wife and other children are my insperation and my will to come home. i have never been more motivated till i see how strong Andrea is i am glad i decided she could marry me. i know a lot of you dont agree with our decision about me deploying but i will tell you what i have been soul searchin and have learned a lot about myself. i am doing good no bumps no bruises and few head aches hear there but if you haveevr been in the milatary you know what i am talking about.
Ryan came to me in a dream lastnight. He said nothing just took me by the hand and lead e saftly through this go forsaken contry. Explosions were all around us and he never flinched never missed a step. he would just look and smile. He gave strength and courage. I know now he is definatly with me (NEVER REALLY HAD A DOUBT) i woke up and i just wanted go back to sleep so i could see him again and it felt like i was really touching him. i miss that a lot. i miss when he would get so mad because i took FOREVERto start his green maschine or he wasnt catching a fish or when he was ready to go back to missouri and he would pack his own suit case. i miss the simple thigs he did or said. i bet all of you do too. this deployment hasnt made it easier with out hm bt i have gotten a chance to look at myself inside out.
i want all of you to know how prod of my wife i am. she is another thing that drives me she is the toughest women i have ever meet. even on her darkest das she can still find hope and find his love. She is doing a great job taking care of our beautiful elizabeth aka pork chop. i wish some of my soldiers were as squared away as she is. i love you andrea with my heart and soul. elizabeth you are my little pork chop take care of mommy and your lil bro (the bull) imss you and you are growing up so fast.

i love you all with every inch of my heart thank you for helping us in our times of need.

p.s. pop bill still waiting on some deer jerky!

love daddy

Wednesday, December 7, 2005 6:27 PM CST

You can go to www.candlelighters.org to buy a ribbon for a Ryan or another child, the proceeds will go to this organization, and the ribbons will be hung on the tree in Washington DC. Last year, after the tree was taken down, we received the ribbons in the mail and are putting them in his scrapbook. Thank you!
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I forgot to mention, so please read. The Annual Worldwide Candle Lighting, is scheduled for Sunday, December 11th, 2005, at 7:00 PM. It is for the children who are no longer here with us, there will be 24 hour light from all over the world. Please light a candle for all of the children, inlcuding Ryan.
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Hello all,

It is December, and has been a very long time since I have done a journal entry.

I get on here time and time again, to do a journal entry. The words just do not come to me, and than I write things down, it always sounds so depressing, always has the same outcome. I miss Ryan! Somedays it is almost unbearable, and it hurts like nothing has ever hurt before, or will ever hurt like again. It is pain from the inside out, so it is sometimes hard to express that, especially over and over again. So, thank you to my mom she has been doing a wonderful job of keeping everyone informed about what has been going on with Elizabeth and I. Thank you so much MOM! I am sure she will continue to do the journals, except for the times when I can actually get on here and tell everyone for myself how Elizabeth and I are doing.

Elizabeth went back to the GI specialist yesterday, just for a follow-up. He said, that he doesn't think she has a problem with her GI tract, he thinks that everything that was going on with her before, was an infection along with her drinking so much. They were irritating one another. The blood work they did in October, her acid levels were high, so she did have to have those redone yesterday, to see if everything was okay, which means we made a trip to the 6th oncology floor, saw all of our friends. I will find out those results next week, and someone will let you all know what they said. It is possible that she may have something wrong with her kidneys, because she has cut back on her drinking and still urinates A LOT! So, he referred me to a nephrologist, now if he really thinks something is wrong or is just doing it for my peace of mind, I am not sure. I have a tendency to be a bit paranoid, when things aren't quite the way I think they should be. But, I do think I have earned that right. I just want to make sure everything is A okay with her, and I definitely don't want to take any chances. Not that we did with Ryan, but we always received answers that seemed logical at the time until the problem didn't go away. Other than that, she is doing really good.

We talk about daddy and Ryan everyday, tell them both goodnight and that we love them both! I show her pictures of both of them, and she is really starting to recognize Ryan more and more, not that she didn't ever not recognize him before, but now it seems to be more obvious as to what she is doing and saying. Her vocabulary is expanding everyday, some of the words, I wish she had not learned, but that is how it goes when they learn how to talk. She certainly tells you how it is, and it is her way or the highway.

I have been trying really hard to stay busy. Sometimes it really wears on me, but it is better than sitting in the house all day everyday. Thank you to those who help me get out of the house, and watch Elizabeth for me whenever I need you too! I really appreciate all that you do. I still have good days, bad days, and really bad days, but I must work through them and face reality. I decorated the Christmas tree, yes all by myself, and it really looks like a 5 year old would have done it too. Phillip and Ryan went and bought a tree last year, they were both so excited and proud of this tree. So, it does me proud to put it up for both of them this year. I thought it would be hard to have it up, but it has not been bad, I think it has been good for me to see it and remember the good times. I am trying really hard to not always think about the fact that he is no longer here with us, I try to remember that he was here with us for 5 whole years. It is not a long time, and it certainly wasn't long enough, but it is all I had, so I have to look for the good in those 5 years, not the bad for the rest of my life. If that makes any sense.

You can ask my mom, I have been really hard on myself over the last few months, especially the last few weeks. A lot of emotions have come about, and finally I have realized for at least now, that he is gone and as hard as it is to live life, I must do it. Because I am left behind, to speak for him and about him. I must let everyone know what kind of little boy he was, what he went through, and how he lived life. I only wish I could live the remainder of my life, half as good as he lived his short 5 years. So, that is what I have decided to try and do, to live by his example and to live like he would want all of us too. He would want everyone to be happy, and to do the things that he loved to do, decorate for the holidays, SHOP, ride 4-wheelers, play, laugh, and LOVE unconditinoally. Many other things on top of those few too, it is not easy to do this, but you make your mind up every morning to do it, it may not always work, but at the end of the day at least you tried. I have many days were I DO NOT want to get out of bed and face the day, but how would I be honoring him, showing him how much I loved him, if I stayed in bed and wallowed in my own self pity. I try to keep this mind set, but sometimes you must wallow, especally when the pain becomes most unbearable.

Oh wow, I was actually going to make this a short journal, but I guess I had a lot to say. I hope you all understand, and can make some sort of sense all of the rambles.

I also wanted to let everyone know, what Phillip and I have decided to do for Ryan for Christmas, to honor his memory. I went to the Px yesterday, picked a 5 year old little boy off of the 'lil soldier tree. We adopted him, for Christmas. You typically only have to buy one or two things, but that is not the case for this little boy. He will have 3 shirts, pair of jeans, 2 puzzles, hot wheels type motorcycle, and set of magnetix. I wrapped the packages and turned them in this morning. I have been contemplating going back up there tomorrow, to adopt another little boy. I felt so bad, there were so many on the tree, I noticed a few 5 year old little boys, but for some reason this one stuck out, and I kept him. I think I had a little angel nudging me towards one, don't you. He was always about helping someone else, so that is why we chose to do this. So, even though I couldn't buy for my little boy this year, I helped someone else have Christmas for their little boy. It was hard to do, but in the end it made me feel good. I think we have decided to make this a tradition and adopt a little boy off of the tree who is the same age as he would be that year, and when he gets to old for the tree, we can start all over again. It may even be more than one little boy.

I think that is all for now, maybe now that I am feeling more up to it, you might here from me more often. It really does help to get some things out there, very therapeautic.

Please pray for the families going through the holiday seasons without their children. Please pray for all of our caringbridge friends and family. Please pray that I am able to keep a more positive outlook on life, because this is not an easy task, and I still struggle everyday, which becomes emotionally exhausting. Also, please pray for our troops and their families spending these holidays thousands of miles apart from one another.

Love to all,
Andrea

Also, don't forget your Keep Beelieving wristbands. They are $5 apiece, and would make great stocking stuffers. It also goes to a good cause, so what better gift can you give.

Friday, November 25, 2005 10:32 PM CST

MONDAY 11-28-05

It is late so I am not going to do an entire journal. Andrea had her ultrasound today and we now know the sex of the Brown baby.

Do you all want a boy or a girl? I will tell you what it is, but let us know what you thought it was before this update.

And the baby is --------

A BOY!!!!!!!!!!

Hello everyone -

We hope you all had a very Happy Thanksgiving. We went to Cory and Heather's on Wednesday so Heather and I could start cooking. Then on Thursday, Meme came down and we spent the day together.

We had a wonderful dinner with people that we love. We missed not having Brandon and Brady with us, we really missed not having Phillip with us, and we missed Ryan's physical presence. We felt his spiritual presence all day long. Ryan was certainly the topic of alot of conversation throughout the course of the day.

As we were observing our holiday tradition and going around the table to talk about what we are thankful for, Andrea was the bravest person there. She voiced what we were all feeling, that even though Ryan is no longer here with us, we are thankful that we had him for five years and he was as active as he was.

Ashton is getting so big and is looking more like
Daddy everyday. We did hear from Phillip last night, he was able to get on line and with the webcam, he could see Ashton. Our little chunky monkey!!!

We played games and just had a wonderful, peaceful, realxing day. Elizabeth slept most of the day (in the closet) She has to have total solitude to sleep and they have a HUGE closet in the master bedroom. So, that was a temporary bedroom for Sissy.

Remember to pray for our troops that are defending our freedom all over the world. Keep the military families in your prayers. Pray for caringbridge families and pray for that our family has the strength to keep going on everyday without our little Buddy.

Ryan could light up a room with his smile. We miss him so much. Andrea and Phillip are such an inspiration to all who watch you everyday.

God Bless you all,
Nana Sherry

Tuesday, November 22, 2005 11:06 PM CST

Hi,

Just a short journal (you have all heard that before). The girls are here with me and we are all relieved to have them in Missouri. Tomorrow we will be going to Uncle Cory and Aunt Heather's to get ready for Thanksgiving dinner. We are going to have a small, quiet Thanksgiving. It will be me, the Brown girls, Cory and his family, and Amy. Ryan and Phillip will be with us in spirit and we will surely miss both of them with all of our heart. Brandon and Brady will be missed so much, they will be visiting other relatives. Mike will be spending time with his family, remember to keep his mother Carolyn in your prayers.

I will do a better journal tomorrow or Thursday and maybe change the pictures.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Keep all of our troops and their families in your prayers.

God Bless you All,
Nana

Saturday, November 12, 2005 6:26 PM CST

Just a quick note to let everyone know that Phillip is on the Adopt a soldier page at WIL92.3 Shaun and Todd will be added soon. The address is 92.3WIL.com.

Hello everyone!!

Sorry it has been so long since we did a journal update. No news is certainly good news.

The girls hear from Phillip as often as he can. Sometimes it is a phone call, somtimes an email, sometimes they chat on line and sometimes all of it in one day. Not very often for the latter though. He is doing as good as can be expected for where he is at.

Andrea and Elizabeth are doing good. Andrea has a doctor appointment on Monday, but things are going good.

I just happen to be at their house this weekend and Elizabeth and I just finished chasing each other around the house. One of us is really tired. Besides, we shopped all day long and I really think we are all three exhausted.

Sissy is becoming more vocal all of the time. She can say several words. She can say Nana and I love you. Tonight I was getting into trouble for getting on to her for something and she looked at me and said, "No, go away!". Remember the old saying, "Someday you will have one just like you." Well, Andrea does.

Ryan's pictured popped up on the computer screen while we were playing and she stopped what she was doing and looked at him, did the happy dance, and said something in Sissy language.

There have been some signs of our little buddy hanging around to watch over Mom and Dad. Andrea decided one day this week to look in his backpack from school last year. She discovered popsicle sticks, half a bottle of water, his folder from school, and a few other small things in the main pocket. She looked in the side pocket and found a red bracelet (one of his favorite colors) that says, "LOVE FAITH HOPE". Definitely a sign from Bubby and at a time when Mommy needed it. Then the other day Phillip was talking to someone in Iraq about the kids and when he opened his wallet to show them pictures, a medallion given to Ryan by the Ebel's and the Stall's was there in his wallet. No one knows how the medallion got there. Neither Andrea or Phillip put it in there. Once again, a sign from our little Buddy that he is taking care of everything.

Well, that is about all that we can think of for now. Please pray for our troops and their families.

Please pray for Phillip and the guys and gals from Ft. Campbell. Keep the caringbridge families in your thoughts and prayers.

God Bless,
Nana

Monday, November 7, 2005 7:28 AM CST

Hello everyone!

It's Nana again. The girls are staying busy and they want everyone to know they are doing good, but Andrea just can't do a journal right now. Since we know how anxious everyone is to see how they are doing and to be able to send their love, hugs, and prayers I will do them long distance when she can't.

As I said, they have been keeping busy. The FRG (Family Readiness Group) is a wonderful organization that the military has to keep the spouses and families busy and connected to one another. The FRG for Phillip's unit (I think that is right) is wonderful and keeping Andrea busy. I am sure some of you may remember us talking about them in past journals during Ryan's illness.

Saturday evening Andrea and Elizabeth went to the Fall Festival and had a great time. The Shaw's and the Umbrell's were there and they had a chance to visit with both families among others. There was a hayride they went on and Elizabeth had a great time having Dustin chase her everywhere which gave Andrea a rest.

I freaked out Saturday morning. I was changing the pictures and the entire page was wiped out. If any of you tried to get on to check or sign the guestbook Saturday you were probably curious about it. I couldn't believe it. I hadn't done anything different than what I usually do and there was nothing. I was so afraid to tell Andrea, she was much calmer about it than I was. Well, it turns out it was a caringbridge glitch and they were able to restore everything. And Ryan's wasn't the only one it happened to. WHEW!!!!!!

Elizabeth was able to see Daddy via the computer last week and she was so excited. She was dancing around the living room and saying "Dada, Dada" over and over again. If she sees a man in uniform she watches him intently to see if she knows him. Phillip was able to catch a glimpse of her before there was interference on the line and they lost signal.

Please keep our troops in your prayers, but keep their families in your prayers also. This is a huge sacrifice for our fighting men and women, but if you ever have a chance to read the poem about the military family, they sacrifice also. Yes, they get paid for what they do - but do some research and see how little they get paid for risking their lives for you and I. Sorry, this is my soapbox for the day I guess. Veteran's day is Friday, remember to thank the veteran's and today's military for all of the freedoms you enjoy. It is more than a paid holiday from work.

Pray for all of the families that wake up every morning and go to bed every night without their children. Please remember the kids who are now in the midst of their own fight against an illness.

Phillip, we miss you very much. Mike has decided to take your place as the MIL joke cracker. You taught him well. Stay safe, come home soon, and bring Todd and Shaun with you. LOVEYOUMISSYOUSEEYOULATER!!!!!

God Bless,
Nana

Tuesday, November 1, 2005 8:56 PM CST

11-4-05

Elizabeth is falling behind on her job.

Today is DADDY'S BIRTHDAY! He of course is not here so we can share the day with him, but he would love for you to drop a guestbook entry or an email to him.

I was able to talk with him for quite sometime today, and it was really nice.

Please continue to pray for our family, for our troops and our friends who are dealing with life without their children.

Love to all
Andrea
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11-2-05
Hello everyone, this is NANA!!!!!

I just got off of the phone with Andrea and I have to tell you a story she told me.

When Phillip was in Iraq the first time, Andrea and Ryan were home by themselves. After dressing Ryan, socks, shoes, everything, Andrea said she was going to take a shower. She told Ryan NOT to answer the door. Well, one of the neighbors came to the door a few minutes later and Ryan answered the door - STARK NAKED. As soon as his Mom got in the shower, he stripped down to nothing and didn't think anything of answering the door and letting Linda in. Ryan went through a phase where he hated clothes and he usually slept "nakey". Believe me it was quite a surprise when he crawled in bed with you in the middle of the night and his PJ's were gone.

He could always make us laugh and smile when he was here and he can still make us laugh and smile.

I love you so much Buddy my heart could explode.

NANA

Hello everyone!

Just a short journal to let everyone know that Andrea and Elizabeth are doing good. They heard from Phillip fairly regular, but he is really busy now and they are not hearing from him as often.

Andrea picked up some Halloween balloons yesterday. Then she and Elizabeth invited Jen, Dustin, Brittany, and Charley over to their house. They then released the balloons into the sky so Ryan would have a Halloween treat.

The girls didn't go trick or treating, they stayed home and passed out candy. Elizabeth was a black cat and she hated her costume. Andrea said she didn't like having the tail follow her around, so every time she would notice the tail she would grab it and try to pull it off. The time change has Elizabeth's schedule all messed up, so she went to bed really early last night.

Halloween was bittersweet for Andrea. She enjoyed seeing Elizabeth's reaction to the costume she was wearing and to the trick or treaters, but it was probably Ryan's favorite holiday so it was hard at times.

Andrea and Elizabeth are missing their guys an awful lot. They worry non-stop about Phillip and Andrea misses Ryan so much it hurts. I can't imagine what she goes through and I admire her so much for being the woman that she is. I would like to take credit for it, after all I raised her, but she has formed her own character.

Please keep Andrea and Sissy in your prayers. Pray for our troops all over the world. Pray for the other caringbridge families that are hoping for a miracle and for those that can't tuck their little ones in bed at night.

God Bless You All and enjoy the fall weather!!!

NANA Sherry

Tuesday, October 25, 2005 7:28 PM CDT

NEW PICTURES!!!!

Hi everybody!

Nana lost the coin toss and so I get to do the journal tonight. I have been staying with Nana alot. But, I stayed at Mema Pat and Papa Bob's too. I have got to see Brandon, Brady, Tori, Trenton, Tony, and Baby Ashton. I went to Rosemary's and played with all of the kids.

Saturday night I went to New Harmony Christian Church Lord's Acre Supper with Nana, Sherri, Cody, Dennis, and Jordan. I got to meet Mr. and Mrs. Branstetter, they followed my brothers story and even bought luminaries the last two years for the relay for life. Now, they know who I am and they will be buying a luminary for Ryan next year.

My Daddy has been calling and he is doing pretty good. He really misses me, Mommy, and Bubby. Guess what, I really, really miss my Daddy. Since I talk to someone alot at night, the grown people think I might be playing with my brother at night. It is my secret and I am not telling!!!!

MY MOMMY HAS A BIRTHDAY TOMORROW!!!!! She is a very special Mommy, so please wish her Happy Birthday. I hope she has some big surprises on her birthday!!!!!

Please pray for my Daddy and the other troops around the world. Please pray for the caring bridge kids and for me and Mommy.

Love you all very much,

Elizabeth

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 10:41 PM CDT

Hello everyone!!

We flipped a coin and I won, so I get to do the journal tonight. There is quite a bit to talk about tonight, but my family will tell you that I can always find something to talk about. I don't talk too much, I am just a very interesting person.

Elizabeth went to the GI specialist at Vanderbilt today and we received alot of GOOD news. The doctor thinks that she caught a bug from someone when we had so many people in and out while Ryan was sick. He said a five or ten year old would have been able to shake it off in a few weeks, but since she is a toddler it is going to take her longer. To add to the trouble she is having shaking it off, the amount of liquid she drinks in a twenty four hour period is way too much for a toddler. Since Sissy quit taking a bottle, she drinks ALOT. Anything over 50 ounces is too much for her age and size and she averages 90 ounces a day. So, she has to cut back on her drinking and only drink milk and water. He said the excess fluids is causing a condition called "toddler diarrhea". The virus and the "toddler diarrhea" combined are aggravating each other. But, there is a slight chance that she may have diabetes encipits(sp). It is not typical diabetes, it only gets the name because it manifests the same symptoms as diabetes. It is actually a kidney disorder that means your kidneys can't absorb all of the fluids that you are taking in. It is not a serious disorder and can be controlled.

The Dr. spent alot of time talking to me, Andrea, and Candy (Dr. K's nurse). He answered all of our questions and never once treated Andrea like she was being silly with her concerns. I get so irritated when Dr.s' treat yound parents like they don't know what they are talking about. He is concerned about the fact that Elizabeth has had problems with constipation since she was about 3 days old and he wants to see her back in two months. So, for two months, we are keeping an informal diary on her fluid intake, her urine output, the frequency of bowel movements and the consistency.

We went by Ronald McDonald House and saw the hotel girls. They were all really excited to see Andrea and Elizabeth and to hear all about how Phillip is doing.

Friday night the "AUNTIES" came up to my house and spent the night. One of the aunties decided to get Sissy out of bed when she made a sound at 1:00am and I didn't get her back to sleep until 3:00am. By the way, the auntie was asleep by 1:15am.

Saturday we went to the Colorfest in Lousiana, MO. It was a beautiful day and it is always nice to see old friends. Then Sunday, we took Brady and went to the pumpkin patch. We really had a good time and it totally wore all of us out.

So, everything is going well in Kentucky right now. Andrea and Elizabeth really miss Phillip. Someone has a birthday coming up on the 26th of October and it isn't Elizabeth or me or Phillip.

Andrea has heard from Phillip and he is still doing good. He is lonely, misses his girls, and working really hard, but is doing as well as can be expected in the big sandbox.

Please keep all of our troops amd their families in your prayers. Please pray for Andrea, Phillip, and all of the other families living life without their children. Pray for the caringbridge families still fighting to keep their children with them.

Don't forget we are raising money for the "Ryan D. Brown Foundation" by selling bracelets. The money will go to pediatric brain tumor research and awareness. The cost is $5.00 per bracelet and come in adult and youth sizes. You can email Andrea and she will get in touch with you about how to get them. Hopefully, we will be posting a picture of one of the bracelets soon.

God Bless You All and KEEP BEELIEVING!!!!!

Nana Sherry

Wednesday, October 12, 2005 7:28 AM CDT

Hello Everyone!

Just a quick note to let everyone know that the Brown Family is doing good. Andrea and Elizabeth are in Missouri with me and Elizabeth is really rotten.

We will be going back to Kentucky next week so Elizabeth can go to Vanderbilt for her appointment with a gastroenterologist. Please keep her in your prayers.

Phillip has called Andrea several times in the last few days. He seems to be in good spirits and they are pretty busy. He really enjoys hearing stories about the things that Sissy is doing.

Elizabeth is growing up, she went potty on the big potty last night. She seems to learn new words just about everyday and I have to tell you, some of them cannot be repeated on here. Her new word now is - cool!!!! She has now started throwing some really dramatic temper tantrums. She lays on the floor, kicks, screams, and looks around to see who is watching.

Andrea just received the very first shipment of "KEEP BEELIEVING" bracelets to raise money for the Ryan D. Brown Foundation. The bracelets are red and yellow (what else) and say KEEP BEELIEVING. The foundation money will be used to help other families enduring what the kids have. The cost of the bracelets are $5.00 each. If you would like a bracelet, email Andrea and let her know how many you want. She will give you the address to send the money to and then send out the bracelets after she receives the money.

Please continue to pray for all of the caringbridge families that are living life everyday without their beautiful children. Pray for the children that are fighting to be healthy. Remember to keep all of the victims of the recent natural disasters in your prayers. PLEASE PRAY FOR OUR TROOPS!!!!!!

Also, I would like for all of you to add my friend Cindy Perkins to your prayer lists. Cindy has just found out that she has malignant melanoma and is having tests today to find out how severe it is.

Take care and enjoy the beautiful fall weather.

God Bless,
Nana

Tuesday, October 4, 2005 9:54 PM CDT

I wanted to update and let everyone know how the last few doctors appointments went with Elizabeth and I.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and both baby and I are doing fine. Baby looks good and is growing great. I will go back again closer to the end of the month.

Elizabeth went to the doctor today for her well-baby check-up. She weights 25 lbs and 3 oz, and is 32 3/4 in long. They said she looks great, talking fine, doing all of the things that she should be doing at this age. She had to get three shots though, and was cranky this afternoon. She does have the start of an ear infection, so they did give her antibiotics to clear that up.

Elizabeth seems to be doing great, I am sure she is missing her brother and daddy so very much, but of course is not able to express herself. She has been through so much in her short time here. But, seems to be developing nicely, thankfully. She is such a turkey, she is starting to imitate everything that you do. If you hum, she will hum, if you stick your tongue out she will to, it is the cutest thing. She is also into her terrible two's phase and getting into everything, and being a typical 16 month old baby.

I have talked to Phillip again, and he is doing good. He is missing everyone, but is doing good under the circumstances. Please pray for him.

I have been having a rough few days, missing Ryan and Phillip both. Some days are harder than others, and the last few have been pretty hard. I am hoping by going back to Missouri for awhile will help. It is so hard to express to someone, the emptiness that I feel on a daily basis, despite trying to still go on everyday I still have a broken heart, and am filled with sadness. I try not to get on here everyday and tell you all, how hard it is, how empty the house seems, all of the daily challenges of living without Ryan, because we do find joy in things, it is just a different kind of joy now. We are learning how to live in our new "normal", which has now become even harder to accomplish with Phillip being gone. It is going to be a long and bumpy road, I feel like I am in a spiral of emotions and feelings everyday. But, with the support of our family and friends, we can all make it through these most difficult times, even when it doesn't seem like we will.

Please remember to sign the guestbook to let us know you stopped by, and are still supporting all of us.

Please pray for our family. Please pray for the other families going through life with cancer, life without their children, and ones who are in remission to stay in remission.

Please pray for our troops.

Love to all,
Andrea

Saturday, October 1, 2005 5:39 PM CDT

Hello all,

We have been busy, busy the last few weeks.

I think it has been a safe amount of time to let everyone know, that Phillip has once again left to go back overseas. He was there once already right before Ryan was diagnosed, and they are now on their second tour in Iraq.

It was kind of hard to swallow the first night, but Elizabeth and I made it through and so did he. He called me for the first time this morning, and he is doing okay. It was so wonderful to hear the sound of his voice. Elizabeth and I will be back and forth to Missouri, very often. He will hopefully be back when the baby is born, they are trying really hard to get him here, but that is more than six months from now, so no guarantees.

We went to the doctor the other morning, had a bit of a scare, but all turned out very good. The doctor could not find a heartbeat, and it had Phillip and I a touch concerned. So, they brought in the ultrasound machine and we were able to see the baby, Phillip now has a picture along with the other two kids and mine. The doctor said the baby looked like a cricket, so that is the nickname until we find out what we are having and decide on names. We don't like using the term it, for babies. So, we have to come up with clever things to call him/her until we know for sure. I have another doctors appointment on Monday morning.

Elizabeth is finally able to get into seeing a GI Specialist on October 18th. She is still having problems but they are not as severe as before or as frequent. So, that is definitely a plus.

Please do keep Chance in your prayers as he just lost his mother to cancer and is also battling cancer. Please keep our friend Cameron in your prayers as he is starting a new round of medicine to stop some symptoms that have been occurring. Please remember Phillip in your prayers along with the rest of our troops. Please keep our family in your prayers. Please pray for our caringbridge friends battling cancer, for the families that live on a daily basis without their children, and the ones who have beat this thing to stay that way.

Please remember to sign the guestbook to let us know you were here. It means a lot to us to have encouraging words and still so many supporters.

Love to all,
Andrea

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 9:16 PM CDT

Hello everyone!!!

The kids have been really busy, so I thought I would do a short journal.

They are doing pretty good. They really miss Ryan, but we all do. Andrea went to the doctor and everything is fine with her and the baby. She is really trying to get Elizabeth into the necessary doctors so they can try to get to the bottom of her stomach problems.

I have two special requests:

Chance is a very inspiring young man fighting his own battle with cancer. Chance acts like a big brother to many of the caring bridge kids and encourages them to keep trying to go on. Chance is 15 years old, fighting cancer, and just lost his mother to cancer. Please send Chance and his sister Angel your condolences. The address is: Chance Watson, c/o Jody Simerly, P.O.Box 565, Watertown, SD 57201.

Chance is a featured friend for October with Audrey's Umbrella. If you have never taken the time to get involved with Audrey's Umbrella, please do so this month. I can't imagine being 15 with cancer and just losing my mother to cancer.

Also, our friend King Dave is a featured friend. Dave and his mom Kathy have been with us throughout our journey and h as always been there offering words of encouragement and cheering us on. You can visit Dave's website at: www.caringbridge.org/fl/david.

The address for sending cards for Audrey's Umbrella is:
Audrey's Umbrella
P.O.Box 232
Rye, NY 10580

To learn more you can go to braintrust.org.

Please pray for our troops in Iraq and for the victims of hurrican Katrina and Rita.

Don't forget Chance!!!

Love,
Nana

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 9:06 PM CDT

Sorry it has been so long since the last update.

We have some really big news. I have been contemplating on when to tell everyone, and I can't keep secrets very well, so here goes. Phillip and I are having another baby. We have known for a little over a month but of course needed to get more used to the idea before we told everyone, I was going to wait until after I went to the doctor for the first time, but I can't wait any longer. I am now ready to shout it out to the world and from the roof tops.

We had a pretty busy weekend. Friday we had a battalion picnic and it was so much fun. They had the blow up bouncers, pie throwing, dunking booth, and much more. We had a blast, really missed our buddy though. We knew how much fun he would have had with everyone.

Sunday we went to the concert, and OH MY GOODNESS! It was AWESOME, even if you don't like ColdPlay everyone should go see a concert. It is the best one that I had ever seen, Phillip said the same thing. They are so full of energy and life. They of course sang our two favorite songs, The Scientist and Fix You. On the song Yellow, they had huge balloons floating through the crowd filled with yellow confeti. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill were at the concert and walked just a few people in front of Phillip and I. They are just an awesome group of guys and definitely put on a great show. We had so much fun. We even talked to one of the security guys to let him know how much there music has meant to us, and that we wouldn't have even been there if it weren't for Ryan. He tried to get us an introduction, but they went straight from the stage into the bus. They are doing like a show a night, busy, busy. We did give them the website address, but at least we tried, we can still email them a letter to let them know about their music.

The last few days have been really busy too. Nana came down to watch Elizabeth and left yesterday, and Phillip is working all night tonight. YUCK! Papa Denny is on his way down tonight and will be going home on Thursday.

Please continue to pray for our family, even though we are getting out a tad more and are expanding our family, doesn't mean that we still don't need your support, prayers, and guestbook entries. We are still very much grieving for our little buddy. Please also continue to pray for our friends who are still going through this beast called cancer and the ones trying to cope everyday without their children. Also, for the children who have been through cancer and are now in remission to stay that way. Please pray for our troops, and for the victims of hurricane Katrina, also the people who will be affected by this other storm coming in.

Don't forget to sign the guestbook to let us know you were here.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 2:51 PM CDT

UPDATE*************
Sept. 20, 2005

The Pike County Relay for Life is next week. This is in Missouri and it is where Ryan grew up before the family joined the Army. If anyone would like to have a luminaria in Ryan's name, the cost is $5.00. Please email me at scourt0484@sbcglobal.net and I will order it for you. I will give you an address to mail the money to when you email me.
****************************************

We have a song that has really hit home for us and I wanted to write down the lyrics for everyone to read.

Homesick By MercyMe
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken they reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord because I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But even if you showed me the hurt would be the same
Because I'm still here so far away from home
In Christ there are no goodbyes
In Christ there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again

Another song is Never Alone again by MercyMe
It's been one of those days
When everything just feels so far away
Hope don't be a stranger
Won't you help me make it through today
Then a voice comes calling out to me
You're never alone cause I am with you
And I will always be
I will hold you cause you belong to me
You're never alone cause I'll be with you
For all eternity
Someone tell me how I
Stumble into doubting all the time
Some days I'm all together
And other days I stand here asking why

If you can find these two songs online and listen to them, they are great. We received the CD as a gift and were told about these songs and instantly fell in love with them both and the first explains so much.

We certainly still have our good days and bad days. Saturday was most definitely a rough day, but yesterday was a really, really rough day, no apparent reason except that the pain of not having him here is just so overwhelming.

This weekend we have a concert to attend on Sunday night, we are both pretty excited. It is a ColdPlay concert in Nashville.

Please continue to pray for our family and other families that are dealing with everyday life without their children. Please continue to pray for our friends who are still battling cancer. Pray for our troops all over the world. Pray for Hurricane Katrina victims.

Also, Remember September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month.

Please sign our guestbook to let us know that you were here. I will try to keep doing journals as often as possible.

Love to all,
Andrea

Wednesday, September 7, 2005 10:49 PM CDT

****************************************
UPDATE! Friday, September 9,2005 11:51PM

I called the doctor on Thursday. The upper GI came back great. No signs of anything being wrong, she has a very, very, very, mild case of acid reflux but nothing to be concerned about or take any medication. The stool culture came back fine, no signs of bacteria, virus, or blood. GOOD NEWS!

The nurse asked if she still has diarhea and vomiting. She had diarhea on Tuesday and Wednesday and vomitted twice on Wednesday. She has been okay since then, but the doctors at Blanchfield thinks she still may need to see a GI specialist, so we are waiting for an appointment to go see one down at Vanderbilt. We are hoping it is just a food allergy or something minor like that, I am sure taht is all it is, but they want to check everything out from top to bottom. So, that is what we are doing, they are not arguing with what we are telling them, so we are not going to argue with them when they actually want to do things without being asked.

I just wanted to let everyone know before it got to late!

Love to all,
Andrea
****************************************
Hello all,

We do not know anything yet from Elizabeth's test from this morning. I will let you all know as soon as I find something out, hopefully tomorrow.

We went to clinic this morning and visited, it is the first time that we have been back to the hospital in 3 months. We saw all of our nurses down in recovery and went to RMH to visit. It was a great time to see everyone again. Phillip and I knew it would be hard to go back to these places so we sort of prepared ourselves for doing so, and we walked into the hospital looked at one another, got a bit teary, took a deep breathe and walked on. We did the same thing when we stepped off of the elevator to go to clinic. It was a very hard thing to swallow to walk into that hospital without our little boy in hand, but it was something we knew we must do, and we did. We promised everyone we would be back when we didn't actually have to be there, and we will be in our own time again. We bought leaves for the GIVING TREE at Ronald McDonald House, one for both kids and one that says The Brown Family, we will be going back when they come in to pick out our spot on the tree.

I have read something on a few websites that I wanted to also post on Ryan's website. It is something that speaks so true for so many.

Bereaved Parents Wish List (author unknown)

1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.

2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn"t because you have hurt me; the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

3. I wish you wouldn't let my loved one die again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances.

4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.

5. I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I with you wouldn't compare it to your loss of a parent, spouse, or a pet. This one is just the worst in my eyes.

6. Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.

7. I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be cured or a formerly bereaved but forever be recovering from my bereavement.

9. I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

10. Our child's birthday, the anniversary of his death, and the holiday are terrible times for us. I wish you would tell us that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.

11. I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party; this is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

12. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to be back to my old self you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, and values. Please try to get to know the new me; maybe you will still like me.

13. Please don't tell us he is in a better place. As his mommy and daddy there is no better place then in our arms. We know you mean well but........

Just thought I would share this with all of you.

I will just do an update if I find anything out tomorrow on top of this entry, I doubt I do another until next week sometime.

Saturday will be 2 months since we last held our little boy. It is not something that gets easier each day, time doesn't heal all wounds. It honestly seems as though it has been an eternity, some days are obviously harder than others. But,each day is still a struggle, and it may seem as though we are "moving on" but that is not the case. We are merely still living our lives for Elizabeth and for Ryan, he would not want us to not live because he is not here physically, because I feel as though he is experiencing in everything we do, we are just not able to see him experience these things. Live in the moment.

I do have FAITH that someday I will see him again. I do have FAITH and BELIEVE I will be able to hold, smell, talk, play, color, and do the many things that I am not able to do now with him again. This is what keeps me going everyday, to know he is still here and to know I will see him again. It may be 60 long years, or it may not, tomorrow is not a guarantee. No matter what we plan in our lives, GOD has his own, so as I have said before live in the MOMENT. Love always and laugh often, learn what you can from life experiences.

Play with your children, love your children, let them know that no one else in the world matters more to you than them. Hug them tighter each day, more than once. Children are the most precious gifts you will ever receive!

Please continue to pray for our family through the days without Ryan. Pray Elizabeth's test come back fine. Please pray for our caringbridge families with and without their children. Each day is a struggle for both. Please pray for our troops all over the world.

PRAY FOR HURRICANE KATRINA VICTIMS!

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, September 5, 2005 5:48 PM CDT

Hello Everyone,

We have been away for the weekend. We went to Uncle Pop Bill's for the holiday weekend. It has been a fun-filled eventful weekend.

Friday night, Phillip and I left our house and went about 100 miles out of our way because we didn't make a turn, so it took us about 7 hours to get to his house instead of 5 hours. But, we made it and all in one piece. We were actually laughing about it.

Saturday, was riding 4 wheelers and visiting, until the evening, we then went to an ATV rodeo. They do barrel weeving, barrel races, drag races, spud races, and buddy races. Daddy and Uncle Pop Bill were in the races, they both got trophies. Daddy won first in the buddy race, and second in drag racing. Uncle Pop Bill won third in buddy racing. We most definitly felt Ryan's presence with us the entire night. We sat down right next to a little boy who looked to be about 5 years old, rode a little yellow 50 four wheeler, and guess what his name was RYAN! It was a tad hard to swallow at first watching that little boy run around, ride his bike, get on his 4 wheeler (which wasn't working so he couldn't ride), but after a few minutes of watching him I found peace and comfort. At that point I just knew he was there with us, he was right beside us and was imagining how much fun he was having watching all of the 4 wheelers and the races.

Sunday, we went to the river and went on a float trip. It took us about 5 hours to float 8 miles. It was Aunt Meme, Uncle Mike, Brandon, Brady, Uncle Pop Bill, Aunt Heather, Uncle Cory, Nana, Mommy and Daddy. We should have taken bets on who would be the first to tip over and the most, well Nana and I would have won. We tipped over twice and laughed hysterically afterwards both times. The first time was trying to go under a tree branch that unfortunately we tried to go under the lowest part, and therefore didn't make it. The second time, my mom and I were talking about Ryan and then just tipped over, so I think he had a hand in the second one because there was no apparent reason for it. Uncle Pop Bill and Daddy were laughing at us, but they got theirs, because they were trying to get in the boat and as soon as they sat down tip the boat went over and they went in the water. So, he got them for laughing at Nana and I.

The whole weekend was a lot of fun and much needed. But, Ryan was never far from any of our thoughts, both days I was thinking about how he would be acting, who he would be riding with in the canoe, and talking their ears off. But, he is in my every thought of every minute of everyday. I think about him no matter what I am doing, cleaning, playing with Elizabeth, watching a movie, walking, just about anything.

Elizabeth seems to be doing better. She went to the doctor last Wednesday, they did a blood test, urine sample, and a stool sample. The blood and urine came back fine, everything was normal. The stool of course will take a few days so hopefully we will know something about it tomorrow. But they are going to do an upper GI on Wednesday, September 7, to see if they see anything. I think it is just going to be a precautionary thing, more for our peace of minds than anything at this point, but hopefully we will find out why she has not been feeling well for so long now. When I know anything I will let you know.

Please continue to pray for our family as we struggle through the days without our little buddy physically here with us. Please pray for other families going through the days without there children, and for the families fighting yucky diseases and illnesses. Please pray for our troops all over the world, and also the people affected by Hurricane Katrina.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 4:00 PM CDT

I just wanted to write a quick update to let everyone know how we are doing.

Even though we are in Kentucky, the hurricane is hitting us still pretty good. Our roof is leaking and we can't get anyone to come and fix it until Friday morning because everyone elses house on post is leaking too. Most though the roof is actually caved in, so we think a leak is good at this point and can wait for a bit, as long as it doesn't get to bad. About an 1/8 of our tree in the front yard is now on the ground and just about hit our car, but thankfully the carport stopped it. A lot of the trees from around the neighborhood have been uprooted, and we are supposed to be getting some flooding. We have had one really good storm pass through, and it has been a constant rain for the past two days, and it looks like another good storm is going to pass through at anytime now. It looks pretty nasty here, so I can't even imagine what people are going through that are closer to the coast, so please pray for everyone in Hurricane Katrina.

We went to Missouri over the weekend, and had a good time. Ryan's headstone was put into place, and we wanted to go and see how it turned out. It turned out just the way we wanted if not better.

Elizabeth is still doing okay, she has a touch of a head cold right now. So, feeling pretty crappy and her stomach virus doesn't seem to be gone yet, so we are keeping an eye on it. We called the counselor today for hopes that she may be able to find someone that could do play therapy for her and maybe she would get back to her old self. I don't know what I am thinking, she has a part of her missing to, so just like the rest of us she to will have to find herself and begin to get a new normal. She seems to be doing well under all of the circumstances.

Our really good friends, the Mackrell family are leaving tomorrow to go to Fort Bragg, N.C. We are going to miss them so dearly, Andy, Kelly, Noah, and Natalie. You have become such a big part of our lives and our family. It is amazing the relationships you can build with someone over such a short period of time. I want to thank you for sharing your children with us, they have both certainly made missing our buddy a little bit easier. I am sure going to miss all of those hugs Noah likes to give away. I can't express to you how grateful I am to have gotten to know you all so well, and how you helped our entire family throughout this time when Ryan was so sick and even after he passed away. I hope to be planning a trip to North Carolina very soon. Good Luck and We LOVE you!!!

Please continue to pray for our family as we still struggle throughout the days and nights. Please sign the guestbook to let us know you were here to visit us. Please continue to pray for our friends who are going through life without their children, and for our friends who are still battling this nasty cancer. Please pray for everyone involved with Hurricane Katrina. Pray for our troops all over the world.

Love to all,
Andrea

Friday, August 26, 2005 11:14 PM CDT

"I am powerless. I am helpless. I am frustrated. I sit and cry with her. She cries for her son and I cry for my daughter. I cannot help her. I can't reach inside and take her broken heart. I must watch her suffer day after day and see her desolation.

I listen to her tell me over and over how much she misses Ryan, how she wants him back. I can't bring Ryan back for her. I can't buy her an even better Ryan than she had like I bought her an even better toy when she was a child. I can't kiss the hurt and make it go away. I can't kiss even a small part of it away. There is no band-aid large enough to cover her bleeding heart.

I used to listen to her talk about a boyfriend and tell her it would be okay, and know in my heart that in two weeks she wouldn't even think of him. Can I tell her it'll be okay in two years when I know it will never be okay, that she will carry this pain of "what might have been" in her deepest heart the rest of her life?

I see this young woman, my child, who was once carefree and fun-loving and bubbling with life, slumped in a chair with eyes full of agony. Where is my power now? Where is my mother's bag of tricks that will make it all better? Why can't I join her in the aloneness of her grief? As tight as my arms wrap around her, I can't reach that aloneness.

Where are the magic words that will give her comfort? What chapter in Dr. Spock tells me how to do this? He has told me everything else I needed to know. Where are the answers? I should have them. I'm a mother.

I know that someday she'll find happiness again, that her life will have meaning again. I can hold out hope for her someday, but what about now? This minute? This hour? This day?

I can give her my love and my prayers and my care and my concern. I could give her my life. But that won't help."

I recently joined a support group for grieving grandparents. This was in the news letter that I received from them. I have never found words that could describe how I feel since Ryan died quite like these do. I always knew that no matter what happened to Ryan he would be taken care of, but that I had to pick up the pieces of my daughter and Phillip if they lost Ryan. They also say that grandparents suffer a double loss, not only have I lost my grandson, but I have lost my daughter and son. They will never be the same again.

Well, for everyone that doesn't know, we have some REALLY, REALLY GOOD NEWS. My son in law that I am so proud of is now Spc. Brown. He was promoted last week. Congratulations Phillip.

Please continue to keep our family in your prayers. Please pray for all of the other families that have sick children, are grieving for their children, or that don't know where their children are tonight. Please pray for our troops all over the world.

God Bless You All,
Nana

Monday, August 22, 2005 10:20 PM CDT

Sorry it has been almost a week since the last update.

Elizabeth and I went to Nana Sherry's Thursday night and stayed until Sunday afternoon. She had to have a cardiac catherization done on early Friday morning. Elizabeth went and stayed with Aunt Trish for the day while I spend the day with Aunt Susan helping take care of Nana. The test went great and everything turned out fine. So, Friday was a very long day, we also went to eat at St. Louis Bread Co. with Aunt Meme, that is my favorite place in the whole world to eat. Phillip stayed home and spent time with the guys. It was good for all of them, they had a lot of fun.

Saturday was a lazy day at Nana's, Elizabeth and I went swimming, but other than that we layed around and watched movies all day long. Aunt Meme came up to spend the night but left early the next morning. Aunt Nae came to see us on Sunday, but I had to leave kind of early so I wasn't driving at night by myself with Elizabeth.

Again, we still have our good and bad moments, but it is never the entire day. It could be most of the day occassionally but we always try to think positive and on the good side of things. Like all of the good memories we have of Ryan, and think he wouldn's want us to be sad all of the time, because he loved to laugh, and he loved it when you smiled and laughed, especially at him. He certainly was one of a kind. He knew how to light up a room and teach so many people how to live, without even trying. He certainly made me want to live a better life. I just wish he was still here to share it with us, all of us.

Please continue to pray for our family, other families spending this time without their children, and children who are still fighting these horrible illnesses everyday.

Please pray for our troops.

Love to all,
Andrea

Bubby,
I wish you were here everyday. I wish I could still see your beautiful smile, smell you, play with you, and just have you here with us everyday. I know sissy sure misses having you around, but there is no doubt in my mind that you come to see her often. We love you to the moon and back, all the way around the world and back again. Goodnight, I love you, sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite, see you soon, love you and goodnight.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005 9:07 PM CDT

Hello everyone - Boy, I have told so many people about the wonderful celebration on Saturday you would think I would have the description of the day down to an art. But, I am at a loss for words for a change. But, don't worry, that usually doesn't last for long when I am talking about my grandchildren.

It was a very,very busy few days. Phillip has been working so much lately that on Friday Andrea and I wore Uncle Bill out running around to get things done for the service. Then when we got out to the church Friday night, it didn't get any better. It seemed like we were under a cloud of Murphy's Law. Finally, the sound system and DVD's were ready to go and all 200 balloons were blown up. Well, when Andrea arrived at the church on Saturday morning, all 200 balloons had lost their helium. So, at 10:00am Uncle Bill, Brady, and I were at the balloon store buying 200 balloons. We got back out to the church about 10:15 and by 10:50 we had 200 balloons blown up. We had quite an assembly line going and it was not only productive, it was fun. Thanks Uncle Greg for being such a good sport and sticking it out with us.

Ryan would have been thrilled to hear the roar of the motorcycles as the guys and gals from the Eagles pulled up at the church on their bikes.

On Saturday, August 13th to a packed house at Kirkwood Baptist Church in Clarksville, TN. Aunt Nae started the ceremony with an introduction into the life of Ryan Douglas Brown. Aunt Nae talked about Ryan's favorite things like riding his four wheeler, going to Chuck E. Cheese, playing with Brandon, Brady, and Tony, and going to Uncle Cory's, Meme's, Uncle Greg's and Uncle Bill's. She told of his obvious love for life and for his Mommy, Daddy, and Sissy.

Pastor Mitchell Allen read the 23rd Psalm and prayed with all of those that came to pay tribute to Ryan. Mitchell told of one of his encounters with Ryan and how Ryan ended up ambushing Captain Umbrell with his Space Blaster. Captain Umbrell was beyond a doubt one of Ryan's favorite targets.

Ms. Sharon, Ryan's teacher last year told of some of her memories of Ryan. She talked about the strength of Ryan's family and how much she loves and adores him. Ms. Sharon told about a day when Ryan left school without giving her a kiss and a hug. So, she went by his house after school for her kiss and hug. Ryan was outside playing, so she stopped the car, got out, got her kiss and hug, and then left. Ryan tried to tell his Mommy and Daddy that she had been by, but they weren't sure if they should believe him. Well, she confirmed it on Saturday, she didn't kiss and tell, she kissed and ran. Ms. Sharon is so lucky to have Noah in her class this year, Noah is one of Ryan's many best friends.

Then the song the "Scientist" was played and once again, Meme had put pictures to the music. The pictures brought tears to our eyes, but we also were able to laugh alot. If you hadn't met my little buddy, the pictures would give you a good idea of his mischevious fun loving personality.

Andrew Mackrell was the next speaker and he told stories of Ryan playing with Natalie and Noah. Andy talked of Ryan's courage and how he brightened a room just by being in it. Andy was one of Ryan's other favorite space blaster targets.

"Sweet Home Alabama" was not only one of Ryan's favorite movies, but one of his favorites songs too. The pictures that were shown during this song brought alot of laughs from the crowd. Ryan was at Uncle Cory's one day and they were just shooting pictures. Ryan just had on a pair of "FIRE" boxers and he was really striking some poses and making some faces. He was showing off his big belly, spanking himself, and lots of sticking his tongue out poses. He was silly that day, he was Ryan.

Uncle Nate started out by telling the story of the first time he met Ryan. Ryan had me dragging out blankets and pillows into the living room. Nate asked him what we were doing, Ryan told him we were building a fort. When Nate asked if he could get in it with him, Ryan said NO. It is only for Ryan, Uncle Cory, and Nana. Nate talked about Ryan riding his four wheeler at his house and chasing the dogs, taking a break long enough to eat a few bites, and then climbing back on his four wheeler.

"Fix You" was the next song to play while we were blessed with seeing even more pictures of our little buddy. So many memories for just five years of life.

Todd Shaw was the final speaker. Todd paid tribute to Ryan by telling everyone of Ryan's military honors. Todd let everyone there know that Ryan wasn't given any of his honors or awards out of mercy, he was given them because he earned them. Todd talked about Ryan's bravery and told us that Ryan was a true warrior. Thanks Todd!!

Then "Jesus Loves Me" played while pictures of Ryan beginning with his newborn picture and going up to his more recent pictures were shown.

Pastor Allen gave a parting blessing and most of the guests went through the church stopping to look at Ryan's pictures along the way to the back of the church. Once everyone was outside at the back of the church, Andrea thanked all for coming, we all counted to twelve together (another Ryan story) and the balloons were released into the air. It was absolutely beautiful. Refreshments in Fellowship Hall followed.

All of the speakers on Saturday talked about Ryan's ability to light up a room just by walking in. They all spoke of how easily everyone that met Ryan fell in love with him. Ryan loved everyone and everyone loved Ryan. He was like a magnet and he just drew people to him. They spoke of the strength of our family and how good it felt to be welcomed into the fold and made a part of this family. Just one more way Ryan showered his blessings on others.

We celebrated the life of Ryan Douglas Brown on Saturday, August 13th at Kirkwood Baptist Church in Clarksville, TN. We celebrated the life of a true warrior, of a little boy who knew how to laugh, knew how to smile, and loved giving away his hugs and kisses. We are all going to miss you Buddy, but our lives are so much better because you are in it. Bye,loveyoumissyouseeyoulater.
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There are so many people to thank for helping with the service on Saturday. I would list everyone, but I know I would forget someone. Just know that we are truly thankful for our family and friends that stand beside us, support us, and are walking with us down this road we are now on.

Nadine and John, it was so good to meet you. Thank you for being there for Andrea and Phillip. They are blessed to have friends like the two of you, Julie, Roy, Donna, Alyssa and the rest of the caring bridge family.

Mackenzie and family, Dr. K, Hotel Girls (RMH), John and Nadine Paulmeno, family from Missouri, and friends from KY and TN - thanks for being there.

Andrea and Phillip received a beautiful charcoal sketch of Ryan that was drawn by Sgt. Davis from Ft. Campbell and was framed with "First Strike" coins and a plaque in memory of Ryan. Thank you so much.

Well, remember all of our caring bridge friends and their families in your prayers. Remember to pray for our family and friends as we continue without Ryan. Pray for the troops in Iraq and around the world. The guys at Ft. Campbell will be leaving soon.

Andy and Kelly, we are going to miss you, but we will be out to visit, I promise.

God Bless You All,
Nana
Proud grandmother of Tony, Brandon, Brady, Elizabeth, Ashton, and my grand-angel Ryan.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 9:44 AM CDT

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UPDATE! Monday August 15, 2005 10:36 PM
Nana Sherry is going to do an update in the next couple of days on the Memorial Service. She did such a wonderful job of letting everyone know how the services went before that I have asked her to tell everyone how these went also. So stay tuned!

Even though Ryan is no longer with us, we still think of the date that the words infiltrating pontine glioma entered into our lives, and on Wednesday it will be 17 months. I know to some it may seem like a short time and to some it may seem like an eternity. To us, sometimes it was such a short amount of time because it seems like it just flew by, just like the last five years, but on the same note it has only been a little over a month since we have last held our little boy and it seems like an eternity. And it is only going to get longer and longer until we see him again, that is one of the hardest parts. Like I have said before we live moment to moment now, not day by day. Because the entire day is not bad but a lot of moments of the day are hard.

Please continue to sign the guestbook, pray for our family and other families going through this same awful part of the journey. Please continue to pray for all of our caringbridge friends and families. Also, for poor little Elizabeth, she is lost without her big brother here.

Love to all,
Andrea-Ryan's mommy forever
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Ask my Mom how she is
My Mom, she tells alot of lies
she never did before.
From now until she dies,
she'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
and because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how is she,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how is she,
she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see
nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For Gods sake Mom, just tell the truth
just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is she
she'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
we'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom
with all the lies you told!"
-unknown

Someone emailed this to me today, there is no update because I think this explains a lot.

Please continue to pray for everyone who have no longer have their children here with them and the ones that are still battling cancer.

Love to all,
Andrea - Ryan and Elizabeth's mommy forever

PS Memorial Service
August 13, 2005 at 11:00 Am
Kirkwood Baptist Church
3400 Kirkwood Road
Clarksville, Tn

Monday, August 8, 2005 6:37 PM CDT

Just a quick update. Not a whole lot to tell anyone, just that the Memorial Service is still Saturday, August 13, 2005 at 11:00 am. Kirkwood Baptist Church 3400 Kirkwood Rd. Clarksville, Tn.

Elizabeth had to go to the doctor today and she still has a yucky tummy and bottom. They gave us some antibiotics for her because she may have a touch of bacteria along with the virus in her stomach. She was put on the BRAT diet and we were told to only give her gatorade and kool aid, limit the milk and other juices. They gave us 4 different kinds of topical ointments for her bottom, so hopefully something will work and we can get her better. She has just been feeling yucky and CRABBY.

The weekend was okay, not a lot happened. Yesterday was four weeks since we said goodbye to our little boy. Wednesday will be one month, which actually seems like an eternity. We have our good days and bad days, which actually they all seem to roll into one, it is more like good minutes and bad minutes. Sundays are the worst, each day is hard but those are the hardest.

Thank you to everyone, who emails, calls, writes in the guestbook and just talks with us about Ryan. Thank you to everyone who is still honoring Ryan and doing things in his memory.

Please continue to pray for our family, Leah's family that is just beginning this part of their journey. Pray for the other families that have been without their children for some time now, just because it has been over a year or more, doesn't mean they don't need our support and prayers just as much now as they did then. Please also pray for our other caringbridge friends and families with children dealing with cancer and other illnesses. They are all very special to us, and to all of you. I check on you often but sometimes have a hard time with encouraging words to spread but please know that we are still thinking of you all and praying for everyone.

Love to all,
Andrea - Ryan and Elizabeth's mommy forever

Friday, August 5, 2005 12:56 AM CDT

I was going to write a journal last night, but EARTHSTINK (Earthlink), as I like to call them, has struck again. I couldn't get online, so I am going to write this afternoon.

Yesterday was a hard day. I tried to avoid looking outside so I didn't have to see the buses go by or watch to kids walking to and from school. But, we survived.

I did want to let everyone know that I am not crazy, completely unhappy and ungrateful. I am very grateful and happy that I did have 5 wonderful years with Ryan, and that I still have a beautiful healthy happy little girl. It is just days get hard when you don't hear his voice or see his face running around the house.

Also, when it is journaling time it is "I" a lot because it is hard to speak for other people. It can be written how I think Phillip feels, but in his own time he will tell you for certain. I am not going to speak for him, besides since he has been back to work I think he has been home long enough to sleep one night. They have been keeping him really busy, and I mean really busy.

Not really a whole lot going on around here, no long rambling journal today, bursting into tears and telling everyone how unfair life is right now.

Please continue to pray for our family, along with other families that have lost their children. Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and family.

Sign the guestbook to let us know you stopped by for a visit.

Love to all,
Andrea - Ryan and Elizabeth's mommy forever

Memorial Service:
August 13, 2005 at 11:00 AM
Kirkwood Baptist Church
3400 Kirkwood Rd
Clarksville, Tn
If you would like now everyone can look it up on mapquest to find more certain directions, we will be posting signs also.

Wednesday, August 3, 2005 0:05 AM CDT

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Wednesday, August 3, 2005 12:00PM
UPDATE!!!!!
I am writing this upadate to regretfully inform all of you that Leah has won her earthly battle. She went to heaven early this morning. Please stop by her website and let the family know you are thinking of them and praying for them. We understand the emotions they are going through right now, they are all still to fresh for our family. Her website address is www.leahsjourney.com.

Thank you to everyone,
Andrea - Ryan and Elizabeths mommy forever
***************************************
Well I have just been asking myself one question all day long. WHY? WHY? WHY? If you cannot tell by that, it has been an extremely emotional day. It started off okay and then the afternoon came and nothing significant happened to make it a crappy day thereafter but it was and I have done nothing but cry all afternoon and evening. Phillip came home from work and I was alseep, all curled up on the couch wrapped in Ryan's quilt because I had actually layed there and cryed myself to sleep. He of course is just simply wonderful and didn't say a word except ask if something was wrong besides the obvious.

I had a wonderful conversation with a great friend yesterday, and we discussed how it is everyday living that gets you the most. Mine is cooking, cleaning, taking walks, and doing laundry. Ryan loved to help cook, clean, walk and put the clothes into the dryer for me. I had to get the oil changed in the car today, he loved to go to the car dealership and just walk around and look at cars. He loved giving his sister a bath, and taking one with her, so now everytime I give her a bath at one end of the tub something is missing, very big important something.

Believe it or not yesterday was actually not a bad day. Phillip had a hard time going back to work, because of the simple things. Ryan loved to go to work with daddy, he would go with him and then all of the guys would get a break and be able to play for a bit. Phillip loved it when we would come and visit spontaneously, and going back he realized that Ryan would not be able to do those things anymore.

Right now I can't even express to you what I am or anyone else is feeling. It is a huge void in our lives, and at any moment I think that he is going to walk through the front door and say SURPRISE! But then of course reality hits me and then I know that it just isn't going to happen. I look all around and see these children playing and having fun, go to the store and see everyone getting ready for school. I am not getting my son ready for school, instead I am getting his Memorial Service ready.

Close to the end Ryan would say to us that it just isn't fair. I think I would have to completely agree with him, it just isn't fair. I want him here, I want to see him, hold him, and smell him. I want to talk with him, cry with him, and do all of the things a mommy and son should do together. Does time really ease your pain? Or does it just become a part of your life? Do you just get used to feeling so heartbroken and empty? I honestly feel as though I part of me left when he did on July 10, 2005, a big part.

For those of you who called today and asked how I was doing, I honestly was doing okay until about 3:00 PM and then all of a sudden it just hit me. So, I wasn't just saying I was fine so I wouldn't have to talk about it, because if I didn't want to talk I wouldn't answer the phone.

Please keep Leah in your prayers, she is currently in the hospital in acoma. Her web address is www.leahsjourney.com. She can use lots of extra prayers. Please keep all of our caringbridge friends and families in your prayers, each one is going through a different journey and can alwasy use the support and prayers. Everyday is a struggle with or without your child, when cancer has entered your life it will never be the same again.

Please keep our family in your prayers. Elizabeth also has her good and bad days. She is still very fussy and irritable. She has a stomach virus and a very bad diaper rash. She follows you everywhere, doesn't want to sleep, doesn't eat a whole lot and always wants to be held, so pray she can find peace and comfort. It probably doesn't help that her mother is a complete basket case at times. But I try super hard to make her life as normal as possible right now, because I know Ryan wouldn't want it any other way. But, daddy and nana both went back to work so it has been a big adjustment for her to just be her and I without Bubby.

Please continue to sign the guestbook as the love, support and prayers do mean a great deal to us and our family. Please also keep giving those hugs because trust me those are also needed right now.

As soon as I get an address for the church where the Memorial Service is to be held, I will post it so that everyone can get directions from MapQuest if needed.
Kirkwood Baptist Church
August 13, 2005
11:00 AM

Love to all,
Andrea - Ryan and Elizabeth's mommy forever

Sunday, July 31, 2005 11:12 PM CDT

It has been three weeks since Ryan went to be with Jesus. Everyday seems to be longer and harder. Elizabeth helps, because she makes us smile and laugh. She is the reason we are trying and making everyday a good day. It is hard to try and make it a good one, trust me if I didn't have people pushing me to get out of bed in the mornings, I wouldn't. Sometimes you want to cover your head up and not face the day, wish it were all a bad dream and would wake up from it at any moment. But, it just isn't so. Right now we go into Ryan's room to put things away, but are no were near ready to go through his things. We keep his door shut most always, but mainly to keep Elizabeth out because she likes to go in there and play with everything she knows she is not supposed too.

She has been pointing to his bike everytime we go outside, and saying things in her own language. She points to pictures and gives them kisses. She just seems to be lost around here without him. She doesn't seem to know what to do anymore. But, she still manages to make us laugh uncontrollably just like he always did, we see so much of him in her and that is a wonderful thing. Ryan used to call his Uncle Cory all of the time, before he could ever distinguish letters, somehow he would find his number on my phone and call him. I would walk into the room and ask who he was talking to and he would say Uncle Cory, I thought that he was playing, no he was really on the phone. Just the other day, on Friday, Elizabeth got ahold of my phone and guess who she called Uncle Cory. Then on Saturday, she got ahold of Nana's phone and guess who she called Uncle Cory. And it is not like that is the first number on our phone, because it is in alphabetic order. It was so ironic, but I also think it was another one of his signs. Of course, it made all of us smile, just a little bit bigger that day. I know there are other things she does and it is just like him, but that was the main one.

Elizabeth is sleeping in a big girl bed now. I don't know if I told you all that already or not. A week ago we put her into a toddler bed and she is doing really well in it, until tonight. I went to check on her before Phillip went to bed, she was in bed on her belly, but her head was hanging off, body on, head off. So, I of course moved her and told Phillip I was glad that I checked on her, then not but 30 minutes later she fell out of bed and started screaming. But it is not very high off of the floor and we have those padded puzzle piece things on hers and Ryan's floors. She is something else.

Yesterday was the 3rd Annual Lexi Sabatino Poker Run. It is with the Faternal Order of the Eagles, who had Ryan as their sponsor child last year. So, Phillip, Nana, Sissy and I, packed up and went to see all of the bikes leave and to support the family this year. As soon as we got there, the news woman from Channel 47 wanted to do a short interview with me about being at the Poker Run and how much it meant to us to be a part of such a special group of people. Then we saw all of these people wearing black ribbons, well Nana found out why, they were wearing black ribbons for Ryan. They were all over the place. It was a wonderful tribute. As the bikes were leaving, which is a huge deal, we were standing on the side waving them all on, crying of course because it was just last year Ryan was doing the same thing and it was his favorite part. So we were crying, and just about all of the bikers and riders were crying too. Held up their hand with his ribbon on it and I can't tell you how wonderful that felt. I know that sounds strange but it was a good feeling, I could feel him their at that moment watching all of those bikes go by us. Thank you FOE and all of your members for making this year another special year for our family, I wish he could have physically been there but he was there in spirit. It is simple things like a ribbon that can have the most impact on our day. Like I said, I just cannot describe to you what an honor it was to see those ribbons for Ryan. He is still having such an impact on so many lives.

Well I better leave with that, I am babbling on again. I am getting really good at that lately. Don't forget if you are in the area or even if your not and you want to come to the Memorial Service, it will be Saturday, August 13, 2005 at 11:00 AM. Kirkwood Baptist Church in Clarksville, Tennessee. We are going to have signs and balloons posted so everyone will know how to get there.

Please continue to pray for our family. Don't forget to sign the guestbook to let us know you were here, your support means so much to us. Even if you don't know what to say, just let us know that you stopped by, one of Ryan's favorite things to do was read all of the "emails" he got each day. Phillip goes back to work tomorrow and he is a tad nervous, so pray it goes well for him. The first day of school is August 4, and pray we are able to make it through the day. I am sure we will because we are preparing ourselves for it, but it would be Ryan's first day of Kindergarten.

Please pray for the children still struggling with cancer, and their families to have the strength to make it through each day. Please pray for our families that have lost their children to cancer or other illnesses. Unfortunately, it is something you can never fully prepare yourself for, and I pray everynight that not another family has to go through it. But, if that time does come, know you are not alone and that you will have a wonderful support group, because if it weren't for caringbridge and the people I have met through this website, I don't know how I would have made it through these last 16 1/2 months. The old journey or now the new journey that is just beginning for us. It is a hard bumpy road to travel, but I am grateful I had the 5 years I did with Ryan. He has changed my life forever.

I will try and update again soon. Each journal entry becomes harder and harder, but at the same time is very therapeutic.

Love to all
Andrea
Ryan's mommy forever and ever

Thursday, July 28, 2005 11:57 PM CDT

Hello all,

I know everyone has probably been waiting on a journal.

We have been home since yesterday from seeing baby Ashton. He is a very beautiful baby and have made his mommy and daddy very proud.

We went to the hospital to see them on Monday, it was a happy and sad moment all wrapped into one. I was so happy to be there and to see everyone, especially him, but I was so very sad that none of us could physically share such a special moment with one very special person. Elizabeth was just so curious about Ashton, she was laying her head on him and kissing all over him. I watched her with him and watched everyone else with him and just tried to picture Ryan with all of us.

Everything we do and everything we say, is hard each and everyday. I thought going through the times of cancer were hard but at least he was here with us to pull us through, I do know he is here to pull us through these times too, but not physically. We have had some pretty special moments around here though. Phillip found Ryan's favorite hat, just the other day, we thought we had lost it, and we were cleaning out the shed and went through the tote with our Halloween decorations, low and behold there it was, it was absolutely wonderful to find that hat. We were cleaning our room today, and I opened a little box that Ryan had given me one year for Mother's Day, and there was his very special penny. I actually thought I had put it somewhere different, but when I opened that box it was in there and it sure was a surprise.

I was actually talking to him last night and asked if he could please give me a sign that he knew I loved him, and a sign for a few other things. Well, in my mind I see that as my sign, I saw his special penny in a place I didn't think it was and it was at a time I needed it. I don't even know what possessed me to open that little bitty box with his picture on it, but I did and there was my sign.

Elizabeth is just walking around the house with a very lost look on her face. She is so upset when anyone walks away from her, and especially leaves without her. She cries when you even walk out of a room. She stood right by our computer today, and just pointed at the screen saver we have and just jabbered away. It is a slide show of pictures of her and Ryan. She would point at every picture of his. She loves him so much, and there is not a day that goes by that we don't talk about him to her. I was giving her a bath last night and I was telling her all about how much he loved to give her baths, and wash her hair. He loved everything about her. She adored him, still does.

Everday seems to get harder and harder. Everyday has been longer and longer since we have seen him or held him. We are doing okay, because we have to for Elizabeth.

Phillip will be going back to work on Monday. My mom is going home on Sunday and back to work on Monday. We are trying to establish a routine again around here, everything has been so out of whack here. We have been going through and cleaning all of the rooms. We still have Ryan's room to go, and if may take us awhile to get it done, it may be done all in one day or a little bit at a time. It is not going to be something we rush. We have gone through some things, but are having a hard time with his clothes and toys. So for now it is going to stay the way it is until we are ready. I am actually thinking about trying to find a quilt that I can have made out of his clothes, so that way I can keep them but not have them in a box out in the shed.

I am going to get off of here for now. I have babbled on long enough, I wasn't going to make this a long journal but once I started I just couldn't stop.

Please continue to pray for our family, as everyday is a struggle without of baby here with us. Please pray for our caringbridge friends and family. Don't forget to sign the guestbook to let us know you were here to check in on us. Thank you to everyone for your wonderful calls, cards, emails, prayers, support, and guestbook entries. The outpouring of love and support has certainly made things a bit more tolerable.

Love to all,
Andrea
Ryan's mommy forever and ever

Sunday, July 24, 2005 11:41 AM CDT

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UPDATE! Sunday, July 24, 2005 9:18 PM

The Memorial Service will be August 13, 2005 at 11:00 AM. It will be held at Kirkwood Baptist Church in Clarksville, Tennessee.

We have not made specific details about the events of the day, but wanted to let you all know when and where as soon as we could because everyone has been asking us.

We have a few ideas of what we would like to do, but are not sure of some of the details. We do know that we want it to be a celebration of his life, not a mourning of his death.

Today has been an okay day as far as emotionally goes, it has been two whole weeks since we have held our baby boy, each day gets harder and harder to deal with it feels like we are on an emotional roller coaster most days.

Please keep signing the guestbook and giving those hugs. We read the entries everyday, sometimes a few times a day. Please keep our caringbridge friends and family in your prayers.

Love to all,
Andrea
Ryan's mommy forever and ever
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Today at 11:15 AM, we had a new addition to the family.

ASHTON RYAN OGLE was born, 8 lbs. 9 oz., length unknown at this time.

He has a head full of dark hair, 10 fingers, and 10 toes. Mommy, Daddy and baby are doing fine.

We will be leaving to go to Missouri tomorrow to see that new beautiful baby boy.

I will update again soon.

Love to you all,
Andrea

Thursday, July 21, 2005 0:36 AM CDT

UPDATE! Thursday July 21, 2005 11:29 PM
Thank you to GSHMR for reading my mind and writing what I am not able too. I don't know who you are, but THANK YOU!!

I pasted this guestbook entry down below because I didn't know how many of you scan the entries, and I wanted everyone to read it. I hope you don't mind GSHMR, but it is something I think everyone needs to read.

Dear Andrea, Phillip, Elizabeth, and the rest of the family, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. I have lost both of my parents, a nephew, and a grandchild but I cannot imagine your pain. My grandma once said that when you lose your husband you feel like you've lost a part of yourself, when you lose a child you know you have. There can be NO PAIN as bad as losing a child, not a husband, a sibling, or a parent. Please keep on keeping on. I can pray for you everyday, I can tell you that if you need to talk to call me, but better than that - I can call you and ask you if you need to talk. I can offer to do things for you instead of telling you to call me if you need something. I can talk about Ryan when I talk to you instead of acting like he never existed. I can let you talk about Ryan as long as you like.

Ryan is there with you. He is there when you open your eyes in the morning and when you close them at night. He has gone to Heaven, to the New Earth and you will be there someday. While you are here live your lives to make him proud. Remember everything you do and everything you say, he is there hearing you, watching you. Continue to love him as you always have, continue to make him as proud of you as he has always been. Just as he and Elizabeth are your world, you are his world. Don't ever have any regrets about the life he led, he led a fuller life and knew more joy and more love than most people in their twilight years. There are alot of people that claim to be very close to Ryan that can learn a great deal from the way he lived his life. He loved without reserve and unconditionally, he held nothing back. The only kind of love to give is unconditional. Ryan knew he was a blessing, you showed that to him everyday. Ryan did not become an angel on July 10th, he has always been an angel. He was sent to earth to fulfill God's plan, that plan may have been different with everyone that knew him, but he did it and he did it with love, joy, and enthusiasm.

Love each other, love Elizabeth, and continue to love Ryan. Keep you faith in God and the rest will just fall into place.
GSHMR
- Thursday, July 21, 2005 9:16 PM CDT
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I just wanted to let you all know that we have made it home, in one piece.

I really wish I could tell you that we are doing okay, on the outside I know it may appear that we are holding up and are very strong. But on the inside we are torn apart, our hearts are broken into a million gazillion little pieces. Will the pain ever go away? Will I ever feel whole again? Will I ever see joy in life again? I try really hard, especially for Elizabeth. But, if I didn't have to get out of bed in the mornings I wouldn't, because it is just to hard to face the day sometimes. I know he would want us to be happy and not cry all the time, he hated to see people cry, and when I would cry he was the first one there to comfort me. I have so many people trying to comfort me right now, and it is just not doing any good, it is not the right person. I miss hugging him, holding him, smelling him, laughing with him, crying with him, watching him sleep, talking with him, walking down the street, playing with him, just living life with him. I truly cannot even describe to you how I am feeling right now, and I certainly cannot speak for Phillip, he will have to do that on his own time.

It is hard to do just daily tasks because you know that he loved to do them all. He liked to help do laundry and clean house, he loved when the mail man came and dropped off the mail. He would get so upset when he didn't have anything that day, so occassionally Phillip would stick a card in the mail box and say Ryan look the mailman missed one, and is was mail for him and would make his whole day. Or when we would sit at the dinner table and he would ask 150 times what are favorite part of the day was, because it was our nightly ritiual and would ask him first, then he would ask us. My favorite part of each day was just seeing his sweet face, and hearing his precious voice.

I had always said no regrets, but do you know how hard it is to not regret things in your life. I know that with all of my heart Ryan was happy and knew he was loved very much, but do you also know how much I regret not doing more with him. But, I think no matter how much I did with him, I would regret not doing more, because we had to pack so much into 5 years, it was not natural, it was not supposed to be like this, he was supposed to be here until he was old. We played, colored, skipped, walked, rode bikes, fished, swam, had picnics, went on vacation, hugged, kissed, laughed, and enjoyed life. I know that he did not want for anything and I know he was happy, but deep down inside I wish I could do more with him. I am not so sure that it is I regret not doing more with him before or if it is I want to do so much more with him later.

I always tell people that ask questions, to not play the What if game because it will get you everytime. I need to follow my own advice, because that is all I have been doing the last few days. What if this and What if that. You ask yourself so many questions and of course you don't get any concrete answers.

I don't really have much more to say tonight. The thing I have to leave with is please, please, please continue to sign the guestbook, just because Ryan is not physically here with us anymore doesn't mean that Phillip and I don't need your encouraging words and support. I am almost wondering if that support is not just as important now as it was 16 months ago. Continue to check on us and sign the guestbook. Also, those hugs are still important, you never know it may make you feel a little bit more at ease.

I want to thank everyone for your love and support. But I want to send a special thank you out to Roy and Donna, mom is through the first chapter of that book and I am on the first few pages, it is already comforting and making sense. Thank you for this gift.

Hopefully someday I will be able to get on here and tell you things are going good, and I can write a journal entry without crying so hard that I can't see. I thought I was prepared for this, but you can truly never be prepared for the heartache and emptiness that you feel inside.

Please continue to pray for our family and sign the guestbook.

Love to all,
Ryan's mommy forever and ever
Andrea

Dear Bubby,
I love you to the moon and back. I love you all the way around the world and back again. I love you so much my heart could explode. I hope you are having fun with all of your friends. Sissy is walking in circles around here looking for you, but we keep telling her that you had to go and play. You love her very much and will see you in her dreams. Thank you for being my precious little boy. You are the best son a mommy could ask for and I will see you later. Love you, Miss you, See you Later!

Love you always
Love you forever,
Mommy

Sunday, July 17, 2005 11:09 PM CDT

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and well wishes. It is comforting to know that there are so many people out there that loved Ryan so much and support us now and always.

We were kept pretty busy the first part of last week making the arrangements for Ryan's celebration. If I have never told you before, I am telling you now, I am so proud of Andrea and Phillip. They handled everything with such grace and poise. They thought every decision through and always considered what Ryan would want.

Friday evening during the visitation the picture CD's that Meme and Uncle Mr. Mike made and put to music were playing. It was wonderful to see all of the people stop what they were doing and watch the video's of Ryan's life. It was also good to hear people laugh when they saw some of his antics.

There were so many beautiful flowers and plants. There were even flowers with balloons and a stuffed replica of CHUCK E. CHEESE. Thank you Chuck for caring so much. We were told that there were no more soccer ball, bumblebee, or angel floral supplies left in the county. In addition to the flowers from Chuck E. Cheese and many others, there were flowers from his soccer team, his Band of Brothers from Ft. Campbell, and the St. Louis Steamers. Thank you to everyone that paid tribute to Ryan with flowers and plants.

There was a constant flow of people honoring the memory of our little Hero. His military awards and a display of pictures kept everyone occupied while waiting to spend time with the family. We sent him off with special messages from his visitors written on his casket.

Saturday morning at the First Baptist Church, Chris performed the funeral ceremony, Meme and Cory gave the eulogy. There were traditional hymns played and the final song was "Jesus Loves Me". The pallbearers were Uncle Cory, Uncle Greg, Jason Cashman, Buddy Hill,BJ Courtney, and Mike Trower. The honor guard from Ft. Campbell were Andy Mackrell, Todd Shaw, Nate Halsey, Jesse Miller, and Shaun Umbrell.

The service was beautiful and really went to the heart of the kind of miracle Ryan is. He really loved life and everyone who knew him loved Ryan. Chris talked about our trip to California (Chris was there, he lives in CA) and told of other specail memories family and friends had recalled at visitation.

Ryan is so loved in Louisiana, MO, that last year they proclaimed a day in June as RYAN BROWN DAY and actually had a proclamation signed by the Mayor. Well, they showed their love during the funeral procession to the cemetery. When we left the church instead of the customary police escort, Ryan had four firetrucks from two different fire districts, three police cars, and an ambulance. As we passed the fire house, the firemen and women stood at attention. When we got to the highway, two of the firetrucks and the ambulance blocked traffic and the personnel got out of the trucks and paid tribute to Ryan. One of the trucks doubled back behind the procession and helped to insure the safety of all. Mema Pat has lived in Louisiana all of her life and she can't recall a tribute like this in the past.

While we were at the cemetery listening to the words of comfort that Chris was offering, a bumblebee landed on the flowers right in front of Andrea. That was definitely a sign from Ryan to his Mommy that he is doing good. We went back to the cemetery today and guess what - a bumblebee flew around each of us there before going in front of Andrea and hovering for a few seconds. He is here with us every moment of everyday and has already figured out how to let us know when he is close.

Thank you to the ladies of the Baptist Church for the wonderful luncheon. Thank you to the friends and neighbors that travelled so far to show their respect to our little buddy. Thanks to Chris for being our rock through all of this. Thanks to Charlie, Mark, and MOST OF ALL - the staff at Super 8. We were allowed to just take over the hotel.

There are so many people to thank. So many people that have done so much to help us out in this difficult time. I personally want to say thank you to my family, I would not be surviving this journey without you. The strength I draw from all of you and my faith in God gives me the strength to help my kids and grandchildren through this.

Well, Nana is about to turn into a pumpkin, it is midnight.

Please pray for our caring bridge families, our military families, and all of those we love.

God Bless You All-
Nana Sherry

Keep Beelieving in Miracles!!!!

Saturday, July 16, 2005 9:36 PM CDT

I just wanted to let you all know that we are doing good. The visitation last night was nice. As everyone anticipated there was a steady crowd of people. Thank you to everyone that came by to see the family and offer your condolences.

The service today was beautiful. It was a wonderful sunny day in Louisiana Mo as we held a celebration ceremony for "our little sunshine". Ryan's cousin Christopher from California officiated and did a wonderful job. Meme and Uncle Cory said the eulogy.

Ryan was laid to rest at Grassy Creek Cemetery. Honorary pallbearers from Ft. Campbell folded Ryan's flag from Iraq and Cpt. Umbrell presented it to Nadrea and Phillip.

I will go into more details about Ryan's service later, I just wanted to let you all know that for now we are doing okay.

Love,
Nana

Monday, July 11, 2005 1:54 AM CDT

***************************************
Friday, July 15th,2005 2:24AM

Just a quick update to let you know that we are all doing okay. We have been staying fairly busy this week making arrangements for a beautiful send off for our little buddy.

Please keep our family in your prayers as we prepare for the coming days and trying to elarn to live without Ryan.

God Bless You All -
Nana
***************************************
Take The Best
God Saw You Getting Tired
And A Cure Was Not To Be
So He Put His Arms Around You
And Said "Come, Come To Me"

With Tearful Eyes We Watched
You And Saw You Pass Away
Although We Loved You Dearly
We Could Not Make You Stay

A Golden Heart Stopped Beating
Hard Working Hands At Rest
God Broke Our Hearts To Prove
To Us He Only Takes The Best.

love you always
daddy
***************************************
The funeral arrangements are as follows:
Visitation : Collier Funeral Home, 117 Barnard Street, Louisiana, Mo Friday July 15th 4pm to 8pm

Funeral Service : 10am Saturday July 16th First Baptist Church, 608 South Carolina Street, Louisiana, Mo

***************************************
Ryan Douglas Brown earned his Angel Wings at 4:45pm. His loving Mommy and Daddy were by his side at the time he won his battle over the "Beast" of a tumor. As most of you know, Ryan just celebrated his fifth birthday on June 29th.

Caringbridge parents talk alot about the signs they receive from their children showing them they are doing good. Well, Meme wanted a window open, so I opened a window. When I got back in the living room Andrea called me over to her side and Ryan had started grinning. It seemed as the evening went on his grin got bigger. He looked like he had just shot someone with his "Space Blaster." He ambushed them really good and was enjoying it.

We are sure Ryan was met in Heaven by lots of family and friends, but is now in the club with Maddie, Cheyenne, Troy, Rayanne, Jake, Melody, Emerald, Isaac, and all of the other caringbridge kids. He already has them wrapped around his little finger, he was good at that.

The service will be held in Louisiana, MO but we are not sure of the day or times. There will be a memorial service at Ft. Campbell in the next few weeks. We will keep you posted as we make arrangements.

Please keep the Andrea, Phillip, and the rest of the family in your prayers.

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!

Forever Ryan's Nana,
Sherry

Sunday, July 10, 2005 2:05 am CDT

*****New Photos!!!!*******
Heroes

Heroes, sometimes don't go to battle,
Sometimes they have to conquer their within,
Sometimes their actions speak louder than words,
Others, through fate, never get the chance to win.

But you are indeed, our hero,
You gave it your all and then a little more
And we just wanted you to know that we're proud of you
And that's really what these words are for.

And so very quickly and cruelly,
Your dreams turned into dust,
But maybe everything for a reason
And maybe, in fate you should trust.

Because, believe me, you never let us down,
We are immensely proud of what you've done,
In fact, you've never disappointed us in anything,
You are in every way, a wonderful son.

So, just know that you haven't failed us
And yes, there's one more thing you should know,
We love you, we're very proud of you
And yes son, you are definitely our hero.

Daddy 10/July/2005 2:06am

***************************************
Update 10 July 2005 2:06am
Same ol stuff going on here in the Brown home Ryan is resting some what compfortably right now. He had an OK day he slept for the better part of the day though which is good. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers.

with much love
daddy
****************************************
Always Love you

My sweet baby boy,
I need you so very much;
I cry...yet through the tears,
Your memories stay within my clutch~
Those chunky baby fingers,
That beautiful hair so dark;
I cry.....life�s so unfair,
My heart, you did spark~
I'll love you forever,
Those words, I promise, to be true;
I cry.....my heart is broken;
And I just never knew~
You'll forever be a part of me,
My love for you immense;
I cry.....please come back,
For my pain is too intense!

Daddy

****************************************
July 9th 6:31PM

Ryan continues in his fight. He has had periods of restfulness today and periods where breathing is such a struggle. It would be so easy for most of us to give up in his situation, but he is such a fighter.

He has given us a few good scares today where his breathing stops for very long periods of time, but he starts back up again. He just keeps fighting.

Thanks to everyone for the hugs, prayers, and support. Really not much to say right now. I will try to keep you posted. Please pray for our little Buddy and for us.

Nana

**************************************

Today has been a bit better, but still very hard to watch.

Ryan slept for about 6 hours this afternoon very restful. He was not rattling and I don't even think he moved the entire time. It was so peaceful to watch him, but when he did wake up it was back to rattly breathing and a bit more restless, he just has so much fluid/mucous that is in his system right now. He seems to be resting pretty well right now, not as good as earlier but definitely better than last night.

He had his cranial sacral therapy and reiki therapy tonight. It seemed to help to calm him and make him a bit more at peace. She did say his energy release is very peaceful and comforted, so that was a reassurance.

Please everyone continue to pray, sign the guestbook, and give lots of hugs. Everyone was challenged to make 100,000 hugs tonight and we still have 36,000 to go.

I have also just learned of a little girl named Leah, she is also 5 years old. Her website address is www.leahsjourney.com, please stop by her page and sign the guestbook, pray for this little girl. I received an email today about her and it said she was not doing very well either and she has a DPG.

Also, Scooter is at home and doing well. She is of course uncomfortable but her mommy and daddy are trying their hardest to do everything for her.

Please continue to pray for Ryan's pain free, peaceful nights.

Love to all,
Andrea

I also wanted to let everyone know that we adopted Ryan's star today. We are naming it Our Little Hero, and we also sent out the order form for a paving stone for Give Kids the World in his honor. I just wanted to let you all know because we have had so many cards and donations for Ryan's birthday so, that is two of the things that we have done with it so far. Thank you to all who have done so much for his birthday, to make it so special. I have been so behind on my thank you cards, I am so sorry.

Thursday, July 7, 2005 9:15 AM CDT

Friday July 8th 4:40PM
Ryan's day has been much more peaceful than yesterday or last night. Andrea and Phillip stayed awake with him last night and I slept. I really felt guilty, but had been up with him alot the last two nights. Daddy finally got me at about 4:30am and then he went to sleep.

Phillip said he had a rough night, but he went to sleep right after I got up. When he does wake up today, he asks for meds and then goes back to sleep. Most of the day his breathing was relaxed and effortless while he was sleeping. It was such a blessing to see him that way.

Thank you for signing the guestbook and for giving Ryan so many hugs. Thank you also for the prayers for the rest of the family.

God bless you all -

Nana Sherry
**************************************
Friday July 8th 5:25AM

Ryan is still fighting his fight. He has become very unresponsive to our voice now. I just told Phillip a few minutes ago that I think the real Ryan has already left and now we are just waiting for his body to shut down.

Cheyenne's Dad, Roy, has something on her website about Faith and believe me we here have all gone through that range of emotions. We were able to accept the fact that God had a plan for Ryan and that is why he has the tumor. But, for any of you who have not watched another human being go through this stage of death, there is no mercy, no reason. Especially when it is an innocent five year old little boy.

The focus lately and at some of the times of crisis since we started this battle have been on Andrea, Philip, and myself because we are the people you usually hear from. But, there are so many behind the scenes people we could not have done without. Both kids come from very large and loving families that have been very supportive. There are just too mnay people to mention and I would surely forget someone unintentionally. You know who you are and we thank you with all our hearts. The fupporting family that is related to us and the family that is not, THANK YOU. The family we have never met - THANK YOU. Ryan has so many people that love him so much, he has truly been blessed by that. But, God has truly blessed all of his with Ryan.

So many people are unaware of the vast number of children diagnosed with cancer every year and the number that die from cancer every year. I don't remember the numbers right now, I am kind of numb, but it is alarming. The same holds true for brain tumors. There is very little support from the government in terms of research for brain tumors and for children's cancer because although we see one victim as too many, the numbers don't compare with breast cancer, colon cancer, or prostate cancer. Also, there have not been any celebrities that have lost a child to something like this.

Every form of cancer has a color that represents them. Do you know what it is for childhood cancer? It is gold, because gold is the most precious metal and our children are our most precious gift from God. September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month and I believe brain tumor's get a "week" in the spring.

I remember clearly a conversation I had a work on March 16, 2004. I was telling one of my co-workers about Ryan's headaches and the problems they were having getting anyone to take them seriously. I told her, "This thing really scares me, we have such a big family and none of the kids have ever had a life threatening illness. This one really scares me." Just a few minutes later Andrea called and said Ryan's headache was worse than ever before and they just didn't want to take him to a local hospital. She made the decision then to go to Vanderbilt. Just a few hours later she called to say they had found a mass on his brain. Don't take anyone or anything about your life for granted, you just never know what may happen next.

Well, enough of my early morning rambling. God Bless You All and have a safe day.
***************************************
Thursday July 7, 2005 6:49PM

Ryan is still hanging tough and not ready to give up that fight. He is the strongest, bravest person I know. He is not ready to leave and not ready to just give up on the fight that he has fought for 15 1/2 months.

I have been told by many people, GOD doesn't give you more than you can handle. NOT speaking for anyone else but myself, I think he underestimated me this time. I am not as strong as some may think, and this right now is wearing me very thin. Death is supposed to be peaceful, well it is not. It is not right now with Ryan. He struggles for every breath he takes, he is not getting better, only worse as each passing hour goes by, he asks for his pain meds every half hour or hour.

It is so hard to tell him that it will be okay, that we will surely miss him but it will be okay. He is supposed to be outside running around, playing in the summer time, swimming, doing all of the things a little boy should be doing, but no instead he is inside, struggling to breathe.

I need for everyone to pray for Ryan to be pain free and to not be afraid. He has told us before he wasn't afraid of anything, but I just want to be reassured once again that he is not afraid. Pray he will suffer no more, because that is what is happening right now. He suffers with every breath he takes, he is suffering like no child should have too.

I don't know when I will be on here again, but I am certain someone will be updating. I am just at the point that I am afraid of saying the wrong things or divulging to much information that you may not want to know.

Please continue to pray for Ryan. Pray for Phillip, Nana, and I to have the strength to make it through this. Pray for our family and friends that are unable to be here with us, they need strength and the power to help us in far away places.

For everyone, we want it to be quiet and calm, without a lot of commotion. So, if you call and ask to come over or down and we tell you no, it is not because we don't want you here it is just because we want it to be calm, without a lot of people. It makes Ryan distressed to have people here, thankfully my mom (NANA) stays in the other room getting things straightened up for us, so we don't have to do it later. A lot of coming in and out disturbs him and talking just down right ticks him off. Please understand, also if you call, we do have the ringers turned off on all of our phones, so we may not answer them right away, but will get back to you as soon as we can.

Thank you to everyone, for your support, love and prayers. Also your hugs because they are felt. We tell him how many hugs he has and it seems to ease him so keep them coming.

Love to all,
Andrea
***************************************
Thursday July 7, 2005 2:10pm

I wanted to do an update for all of you who are waiting and wondering what is going on with our trooper.

There is no change, Ryan is still fighting a valiant fight. The kids keep checking the guestbook, so please sign in and let them know you are thinking of them.

I wonder if we could get Ryan over 25,000 hugs today.

Check out the new pictures.

Nana
*************************************
Good morning - Ryan had a very rough night last night. The three of us took turns sitting with him, holding him, talking him through his periods of not breathing. Shortly after midnight we thought he had won the ultimate victory, but after what seemed like an eternity, he started to breath again.

He is now getting his medicine every time he asks for it no matter what the clock says. He still tries to communicate now and then, but is to weak to let us know anything. He holds on to the line coming out of his port when he wants more medicine and he gets the meds then.

Ryan struggles to hang onto life even though Andrea and Phillip have told him it is okay to go to Heaven. They have told him we will all be together again and that he will always be with us. Just think, in Heaven, Ryan can play all of the soccer he wants and ride his four wheeler for miles and miles.

Please continue to pray for Ryan's comfort and our strength in this most difficult time in our life. We truly could not be doing this without the support of our friends and family.

God Bless you all! Hug your children and grandchildren extra long today and KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!!

Phillip, Andrea, and Sherry

Wednesday, July 6, 2005 8:11 AM CDT

Wednesday July 6th 10:09PM

I can tell you now that our frustration this morning came from our last desperate act to try to save Ryan and make him more comfortable. We were finally able to get results from hospice and Vandy, but shortly after receiving the medicine that was supposed to make Ryan comfortable everything started going downhill very rapidly.

The hospice social worker was here and called the nurse to come over and check Ryan. The nurse told the kids at that time that when he had his spells and stopped breathing, hold him close and let him know we love him and it is okay to go. We have learned over the past 15 months to live one day at at ime, now we are living one moment at a time.

Ryan is now struggling for every breath he takes. It is unlike any horror I have ever lived through in my life and I know Andrea and Phillip have never experienced anything as devastating as this. There is nothing to do now but sit and watch him struggle to breath.

Please pray for peace and comfort for Ryan and for strength for the rest of the family.

Nana

***************************************
Wednesday, July 6,2005 3:59 PM

I just wanted to let you all know that Ryan has been having a really bad day. He has his little spells of not breathing every 5 minutes, or closer together sometimes. I won't give details but it is horrible.

He is sleeping right now, and has done for the better part of the day but when he is awake, he seems to be miserable. It just seemed once again to go from one extreme to another.

I don't really have much to say I just wanted to let you know a little bit about what has been going on today.

Love to all,
Andrea
***************************************
Good morning to all - Sorry about no update last night.

Ryan didn't do as good yesterday as he has been. He needed his medicine alot. I wonder if we are doing the right thing for him. It seems at times like conventional medicine has let him down. When they sent us home from Vanderbilt, they said give him this medicine and keep him comfortable. Well, I am not sure that the medicine isn't making him more uncomfortable. When they sent us home form Vanderbilt, they said, there is nothing more we can do for you. Well, someone needs to do something, my degree is not in medicine. His parents don't have degree's in medicine. I pray every morning for the answers. I pray every morning for the strength to help him through the day. But, what do we do to help him when the things the experts told us to do doesn't seem to help. I know there is no magical cure, but there should be something we could do to make it easier for him, Andrea, and Phillip.

Obviously, the medical experts never played the "what if" game when they were kids. "What if" he is here longer than they anticipated on June 8th when they sent us home? Do we keep him on the pain meds that long? "What if" he becomes dependent on the pain meds? Well, for those of you that are thinking, what could that hurt? Please come visit and see a five year old that quite possibly is dependent on narcotic pain meds already. "What if" he is our miracle and lives for years and years with this tumor in his head? HOW DO WE TREAT HIM????? He certainly can't stay on the medicine the "EXPERTS" have him on for that long.

Hospice is a wonderful thing, but they are not used to dealing with five year olds. He can't tell us if the meds are bothering him. He can't tell us if he thinks his clumsiness is tumor related or from medicine head. And, you can't compare what a pontine glioma child goes through to anything that an adult brain tumor patient goes through. The only similarities are the tumors are both located in the same area and are always devastating.

Please keep Ryan and the rest of the family in your prayers.

Ryan needs me, gotta go.

Nana

Sunday, July 3, 2005 10:42 PM CDT

JULY FOURTH 10:06pm

*******HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY***********

Unlike most kids, Christmas is not Ryan's favorite holiday - the fourth of July is. Ryan spent most of the day laying on the couch asleep.

He did start out the day in his jeep. Then, he went swimming with Sissy and Emily. He wasn't very active after that, I think yesterday wore him out.

He did wake up early enough this evening to see the Ft. Campbell fireworks display. We sat out in the front yard and watched the fireworks. Even from a distance they were great and Ryan loved them.

Ryan is a celebrity again. There is an article featuring Ryan's story in the Leaf Chronicle newspaper. You can see the article at www.theleafchronicle.com.

Remember to keep Scooter in your prayers. Please keep praying for Ryan. He is really a fighter, but needs our prayers to fight this battle.

Sign the guestbook and give Ryan a few hugs while you are here.

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!

God Bless -
Nana
**************************************
Happy Fourth of July Everyone - I hope you all have a great fourth and have a chance to spend it with someone you enjoy being with.

Ryan has been REALLY, REALLY busy today. He started out very early and rode in his jeep for quite a while this morning. You know, the manly jeep. He challenged Uncle Bill to a race - the jeep against Uncle Bill's truck, but we all knew it was a no brainer who would win. So, Uncle Bill conceded and Ryan won by default.

Then he went swimming in the swimming pool he got for his birthday. He really enjoyed calling people over to stand by him (with his innocent toothless grin) and then have Nana put him on the side of the pool and let all of the water out to drench the innocent bystander.

He hasn't given up on the space blasters either. He had a visit from Ms. Sharon and Scooter, well he ambushed them. They didn't stand a chance of any kind of self-defense. Ms. Sharon just got back from Colorado and had to come see her buddy.

The Mackrell's stopped by to visit this afternoon and Noah rode in the jeep with Ryan. Noah also got to drive for a little bit. Fortunately, he didn't start hollering "Mayday, mayday" like the little boy yesterday.
Uncle Nate was here for dinner tonight.

Then we forced him, I mean FORCED him to get dressed and go to the fair here at Ft. Cambpell. He had so much fun. He played LOTS and LOTS of games. He rode the carousel with Daddy and the dragon roller coaster with Mommy. He really had fun doing both. Then, he decided to go down the giant slide. Well, he can't sit up good enough to go down by himself, so he asked Mommy to go with him. Then, we decided two people needed to go with him. Andrea carried him to the top of the steps (not an easy task) and he decided he wanted to ride down with ----- Nana. Now, for all of you who go to fairs, you know the giant slide is not super tall, but with a five year old with a minimal amount of muscle control it looked like we were getting ready to slide down the side of the Gateway Arch. We went down once and survived. Whew!!!!! Then, he wanted to go down again, just my luck. So, we went back up to the top only Daddy carried him up this time. Well, he didn't want to go down the same lane we went down the first time. We went down the faster lane and we were going so fast that at the last bump we actually came off of the slide (not an easy feat with Nana on the ride). We were a little off balance and fell a little sideways. That would have been fine, but Daddy was barreling down right beside us. Daddy trying to stop on a dime was like trying to stop a speeding locomotive on a dime. Well, Daddy stopped. YEAH DADDY!!!!!!! The only injuries are Daddy has a burn on his hand and Nana has a huge rug burn on her elbow. It is at least the size of a dime. But, just like the Mastercard commercials - carnival $1500.00, a burn on Nana's arm $5.00 for the Bandaid, the look on Ryan's face coming down the slide - priceless.

And as if his day wasn't full enough, Mommy (the awesome ping-pong ball thrower) won him two goldfish. They are Nemo and Oliver, both boys according to Ryan.

Ryan has had a good time with Uncle Bill, Jody, Emily, and Tiffaney. But,he keeps telling Tiffaney she talks too much. Tiffaney hardly ever says anything to anyone.

He has really been eating good today. Oh, there are still alot of balloons left from the "balloon drop" on his birthday.

Please add our friend Scooter to your prayer list. Scooter has to have surgery on both legs Tuesday and will be in casts for several weeks. Scooter is really special to all of us.

Please pray for our little buddy and for all of the other caringbridge kids. Please remember our troops in Iraq and the rest of the world as we celebrate our independence.

God Bless You All -

Nana

Saturday, July 2, 2005 10:08 PM CDT

I am so sorry that we have not journaled in a few days. I know you all have been wondering what has been going on in the Brown house.

Yesterday, Ryan was not the same that he had been over the past couple of days. He did not ride his Jeep at all yesterday, but did go to the grocery store with Nana and I. His speech was slurred, balance was off, mood was irritable, and was just not the same happy, playful Ryan.

Today, he rode his Jeep for a long while this morning. But then came inside and took a nap, woke up long enough to ask for more medicine, eat a little bit and then go back to sleep. He fell asleep on me, and he would wake up every so often, but was sleeping very well so I didn't want to move one bit. I was so afraid he would wake up. He woke up when Nana gave him his medicine again at around 8:00 P.M. and then went to sleep and seems to be sleeping pretty good. His speech is slurred, balance off, but both are better than yesterday. He started shaking his head in his sleep again, yes and no, we think he may be dreaming about his angels. But of course, we are not sure exactly why he is shaking his head.

Elizabeth played outside all afternoon in the pool. We even took her through the spinkler, from the Ross family. She is loving all of the attention again this weekend. Uncle Pop Bill (Barbie Jeep), Jody, Tiffaney, and Emily are here for our annual 4th of July get together, and Elizabeth is loving every minute of it. So, are daddy, mommy, and Nana.

Please continue to pray for Ryan, pray he starts to have his good days again, full of energy and laughter. Please pray his pain and headaches stay managable.

Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and family.

Happy 4th of July to Everyone!

Love to all,
Andrea

Friday, July 1, 2005 8:17 AM CDT

Hello all - Ryan had a good day yesterday. He even went with Mom and Dad to run errands for a little while. That meant Nana had to stay here with the wild child by my self. Lucky for me it was nap time.

We still have a house full of balloons. Some of them are losing their air, but Ryan likes them just as much that way. Now, he and Sissy can kick them every time they walk by.

There really isn't much to report on today. Ryan is going to be in the Leaf Chronicle, so local friends, watch for him in the newspaper. The Leaf Chronicle is also on the internet, so everyone can see his smiling face.

Thank you to everyone that is sending cards and packages to Ryan, he really looks forward to the mailman coming everyday. Thanks to all who are remembering Ryan and the family in your prayers. Please keep praying for our little guy and for us to have the strength to help him down this road. It gets a little bumpy at times, but with our family and friends, we will make it.

Don't forget to sign the guestbook so we know you were here and how can you resist giving a few hugs.

Please pray for all of the caring bridge kids.
KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!!

God Bless You All -
Nana Sherry

Wednesday, June 29, 2005 9:08 PM CDT

Our living room is so full of balloons. We have about 150 BALLOONS, because of Operation balloon drop. Thank you to Aunt meme for the wonderful idea, and to everyone who participated. Ryan was so surprised and loved it very much. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Ryan has had a very good birthday today. Very excited, and wonderful. He and sissy have been riding in the Jeep all day. It has been kind of a lazy, do what Ryan wants day. Thank you to everyone for all of packages, cards, and phone calls. Ryan has not wanted to talk on the phone at all today, but we have told him everything everyone has said. We have not yet decided to do with Ryan's birthday money, we are still deciding on what organization to donate to, or what we may buy for him. As soon as we decide we will let you all know.

I don't have a lot to say about today, right now. I may or someone else might, update again later, or tomorrow about today. But, Ryan has completely worn us out today, and he said we all have to go to bed.

None of us has mentioned it before that I can remember, but Ryan's other website, www.keep-beelieving.com has Ryan's song on it. Please go and visit and make sure you have your sound up because it will play his song. You may also want to have a kleenex close by because it can be a tear jerker. So, please go and visit.

Thank you to everyone, for your well wishes, hugs, guestbook entries, and prayers. It has made Phillip and I much stronger to have all of the support that has been shown to us over the last 15 1/2 months, but especially the last few weeks. It is almost as though we are able to stay strong because of all of your support and prayers.

Please continue to say your prayers, because they are being answered. Our buddy is doing better and getting stronger each day.

Love to all,
Andrea

Wednesday, June 29, 2005 8:41 AM CDT

HELLO EVERYONE What A Happy Happy Day. Ryan is 5 today. I walked in to the living room and he was sitting up eating cereal. Yesterday was a great day. We got out the Jeep and he chased me around the yard. The mail man came around and ryan chased him too. Ryan drove his MANLY JEEP around the block while me mommy sissy and nana walked. After that Ryan and I went to get our haircut. We came home and rode the MANLY JEEP again. Ryan had his CranialSacral Therapy lastnight. He kinda liked but we couldn't tell. He said he would do it agian. Ryan said he was going to buy a certain uncle a BARBIE JEEP because only daddy is manly enough to ride with him. Love to all, Say your prayers, and thank you!

thanks
dad

Tuesday, June 28, 2005 8:29 AM CDT

UPDATE 6/28/05 12:45PM

Ryan has been busy again today. We bought a new battery for his jeep last night and charged it. Ryan and Elizabeth have logged alot of miles in the jeep today. He kept crying about Sissy pinching him, she wasn't pinching him - SHE WAS HANGING ON FOR DEAR LIFE!!!!!

Hopefully there will be new pictures posted today. We took several pics of the hot rod and his sister chasing people down in the yard. Then, all of us went for a walk around the block. Now, Ryan is laying down and Sissy is getting into everything she can.

At this moment, Sissy is taking the clean clothes out of the basket, putting them on her head and walking around in circles. Ryan thinks it is funny, Nana does the laundry.

We will update later. Please keep the prayers going. Don't forget to leave hugs and sign the guestbook.

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!
Nana Sherry
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Sorry about not doing an update last night. By the time we get both kids to sleep, all 3 of the adults are to tired to function.

Ryan had a good day yesterday. He and Nana went to Burger King for lunch, but didn't stay for to long before he got to tired. He was up all day yesterday, I mean up walking around the house by himself all day yesterday. He has walked to his bedroom and then to the kitchen, tried to climb up the cabinets already this morning.

I really don't have a whole lot to report this morning, except that yesterday was a really good day and today seems to be going good too.

Hopefully one of us will be able to get a journal done tonight before going to bed instead of the next morning.

Keep BEELIEVING! Ryan is one strong little boy. Pray for our little guy and our caringbridge family.

Love and Prayers,
Andrea

TOMORROW is Ryan's BIG 5th Birthday!

Monday, June 27, 2005 10:26 AM CDT

Hello everyone - Ryan had a rough day yesterday. Not nearly as rough as last Sunday, thank God!!!! But, he was very restless and did not get any rest. Last night he really slept good and slept for a long time. This morning he is up moving around a little more. He is in his bedroom right now, that is unusual for him.

Hopefully today will be another quiet day around here. I think we can all use it. It will give us a day to catch up on housework, get errands ran, and gather our thoughts. All of our company has gone back to Missouri for now.

Ryan was up for the first time in several days this morning. As we were walking back into the living room, he saw all of the pictures everyone has been coloring for him. He said, "WOW, that is alot of pictures!"

Please keep praying for our little buddy. While you are here please sign the guestbook and leave a few hugs. Thanks to everyone for being there for us.

Love,

Nana Sherry

ONLY 2 DAYS UNTIL RYAN"S BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, June 25, 2005 9:41 PM CDT

Wow - What a day Ryan had today. It started out a little slow and he didn't feel really good. We were a little skeptical about the open house.

People started arriving around 10:00 this morning and trickled in and out. Shortly after noon, a very special unexpected guest arrived. CHUCK E CHEESE!!!!! We were so surprised. None of us knew he was coming. Chuck brought three of his friends and alot of pizza, balloons, and a birthday present for Ryan. Chuck and his friends stayed for two or three hours playing games. It was so good to see Ryan sitting on the floor playing games. He even forgot he wanted medicine for awhile.

Another big surprise today came from Ms. Pam, she adopted a hippo at the St. Louis Zoo for Ryan as a birthday gift. He received his box from Angel Darla and there were lots of cool surprises in it. Also, I forgot to mention a package from Aunt Barb with lots of Color Wonder books in it and a package from Cody and Sherri Noel. Thank you to everyone.

Ryan seems to be having alot of the spells where he can't catch his breath. He took a good nap this afternoon after everyone left, but woke up several times trying to catch his breath. It is very, very frightening to watch him struggle like he does. Sometimes it seems like it takes forever for him to breath again.

Please keep praying for Ryan and the rest of the family. Pleas go to the bottom of the page where there is a link to go to Ryan's other website "Keep beelieving" and check on some of his friends.

Please leave hugs and sign the guestbook.

God Bless You All -
Nana Sherry

Thursday, June 23, 2005 10:37 PM CDT

Saturday, June 25, VERY early in the morning

Just a quick update to let you know that Ryan's day did get better. He went outside to play for a few minutes and we colored alot of pictures. At least now we are coloring Pooh and friends pictures, not Hulk.

We are up at this unheard of hour so I could give him his medicine.He is back asleep right now.

For everyone travelling this weekend, please be careful and stay safe on the highways.

I will try to do an update as often as possible about his big birthday party.

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!

Nana
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Friday, June 24, 2005 11:29am

Ryan has had a pretty rough morning. He seems to be in a little more pain today than he has been the last few days. Today he is also complaining of the back of his head hurting. Although, he doesn't feel bad enough to not be barking out orders to Nana. Don't talk, don't move, color that picture, sit down here - he even told me yesterday not to talk because he doesn't like my voice. What a stink!!!

Today has been a day of laying on the couch with his eyes closed, but not asleep. His speech is slurred and his breathing is shallow. As the morning goes on, he seems to be getting a little stronger, we will just have to see what the rest of the day brings.

Please continue to pray for our little guy and for Andrea and Phillip. They have so many challenges to face right now, many of them they shouldn't have to deal with even in this situation.

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!

Peace and understanding to all of you.

Nana Sherry
**************************************
Hello everyone. Ryano had an awsome day today. He woke up and wanted chicken nuggets and french fries and feed himself. He set up most the day on his own and watched tv. He ambushed Uncle Mike and Mr.Todd. He got a kick out of that( like usual). We had a few unexpected guest today. Roy always talks about their humming bird angel. Well we have two doves that were just sitting in front of the house and looked like they were gaurding something precious. Well I can only think of one thing they would be gaurding--Ryan! It was really neat because i got with in 4-5 feet of them and they didn't even flinch. That made me feel so much better. Sissy had his picture taken today and they are so cute. Not really to much to update hopefully more good news tomorrow. Thank you and please continue to pray for Ryan and our soldiers.

Thank You
Phillip

Wednesday, June 22, 2005 9:50 PM CDT

Hello everyone. Ryan had a rough start this morning but after his baptism he purked up. He started laughing and playing around like normal Ryan. We had to take Ryan to the emergency room because his left eye got real icky. They said he has a bacterial infection and they would get him meds right away. Aunt meme called befor her mommy and nanna left to take him and the ER doctor said he would get his room right away. It was the best trip to the ER we've had here. This evening Ryan, mommy and aunt meme went to the neighbors house and played. Ryan and the neighbor girl built a castle out of mega blocks. He had blast. Hopefully he will have an even better day tomorrow.
Please keep praying for our "little man" and our family traveling back and forth.
Also keep our soldiers that they stay out of harms way and come home soon.

Thank You

Daddy

I had something very important to tell you today.

Ryan and Elizabeth were both baptized this morning. We did Elizabeth on the same day so they would have the same Christian birthday. It was wonderful, and a bit emotional as you all could imagine. Thank you to everyone who was here to share that with us, Thank you Christopher for performing the baptism and to Aunt Renee for being here.

Ryan has received a very big honor. One of Ryan's buddies from school, Tristyn, his daddy is over in Iraq. He and his crew flew an American Flag over Baghdad, which is a combat zone in honor of Ryan. They are going to have the flag authenticated and registered in his name. They all just wanted to do something and wanted to let us know how many people all over the world are praying for him. Thank you to the Sitton's and crew. It means so much to us to have this done for Ryan. It is one of those things that we cannot even express our gratitude and appreciation for these acts of kindness. Thank you, Thank you!

Ryan wasn't doing so well this morning. He was running a fever and his lungs sounded as though they were once again filling up with fluid. After Ryan was baptized he seemed to start to feel better, and actually got out the Space Blaster to shoot, Uncle Cory, Daddy, and Mike. They said he really got them good. Now he is sitting on the couch watching cartoons. So, the morning wasn't very good but the day has gotten better.

I will have nana update again later.

Keep praying for our buddy.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, June 21, 2005 2:20 PM CDT

Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Wow, I just heard on the radio that yesterday was the first day of summer. Time seems to stand still in relation to the rest of the world, but goes by so fast. Everyday now just seems so short. I know it is because we stay so busy taking care of Ryan and Elizabeth, but also think it is because everyday with our little Buddy is so extremely precious. Everyday with him is more of a blessing than the day before.

Uncle Cory is here. He came to visit yesterday and will be leaving some time today. Ryan had fun ambushing him with the space blaster. Uncle Cory was quite impressed with the amount of fire power Ryan has for his space blaster.

Cpt. Umbrell and his family came by yesterday to visit. Ryan had to get the space blaster out, remember Cpt. Umbrell is his favorite target. I am not sure exactly how things happened, but I understand they had all three of Ryan's guns out and Jacob Umbrell got in on the action. He enjoyed it so much, Ryan gave him one of his extra guns (not the space blaster's, but one that shoots discs) So, now Shaun (Cpt. Umbrell) has to deal with discs flying at his head at home also. The guys from Ft. Campbell will be deploying to Iraq again soon. Please remember to keep all of our troops in your prayers, especially our Ft. Campbell family. They are the true meaning of compassion, family, and generosity. I cannot tell all of you often enough how wonderful they have all been to Andrea, Phillip, and the rest of the family.

Meme and Mike are on their way down to visit. They will be staying tonight and then going back to Missouri tomorrow. It will be so nice to have Uncle Cory, Meme, and Mommy all here at the same time.

Thanks for stopping by, please sign the guestbook. Also, please leave hugs for Ryan. Pray for all of our caring bridge friends and their families. Without them, this journey would be much more difficult. Thank you for always being there for us.

Nana Sherry

****************************************
Hello everyone - Sorry for no update last night, but I laid down by Ryan and fell fast asleep. Actually, he was on the loveseat and I was on the air mattress beside the loveseat. In the middle of the night, he woke up and got into bed with me and we cuddled the rest of the night. It was very sweet dreams after that.

Ryan had a fair afternoon yesterday and slept all evening and all night. He woke up this morning full of energy. He has eaten everything we could get for him and has been up alot. We keep telling him to lay down and rest, but he is very stubborn.

LOOK AT THE NEW PICTURES!!!!!!!! Since Ryan was feeling so good today, he let them take pictures. You need to check the pictures everyday as they will be changing daily probably.

Ryan will be baptised tomorrow by Christopher, my nephew. It is going to be a very small ceremony at the house with just a few family members and friends.

For anyone in the Fort Campbell area, there will be an open house on Saturday, June 25th from 10:00am to 4:00pm for Ryan's birthday. Please NO TOYS!!!! Andrea and Phillip have requested monetary gifts in lieu of toys or clothes if you choose to give a gift. They will be making a donation to one of the charities that has been beneficial to their family or adopt an animal at the St. Louis Zoo in Ryan's name.

Wednesday, June 29th is Ryan's actual birthday. The kids really appreciate everything that has been done for Ryan and the rest of the family during this difficult time, but please no visitors on his birthday. This is going to be a day for Andrea, Phillip, Ryan and Elizabeth to spend time together. For the out of state family, please leave a message if we don't answer the phone that day.

Please, please pray for Ryan and all of us who love him during this difficult time. Please leave a message and a few hugs while you are here.

Love,
Nana Sherry

PS - Aunt Carol, I do know who you are.

Monday, June 20, 2005 0:55 AM CDT

Hello everyone - Sorry I haven't been keeping up with the updates today, but it has been a really hectic day. It started off fairly good after a short, restless night. Elizabeth spent the night with some good friends of Andrea and Phillips. They went out to eat breakfast for Father's Day and to get Elizabeth. I checked on Ryan and he was burning up. His temp was 103.5, I had people calling the kids, people calling hospice, and I was trying to take care of Ryan. I checked his temp again (like 60 seconds later) and it was 105, a few minutes later it was 106.5. We gave him medicine, I put the IV back on him and started bathing him in lukewarm water and the fever started coming down. But, it would go right back up. The hospice nurse came by, checked him, called the doctor and told us that it is part of the tumor and there really isn't anything to do but bath him to try to bring it down.

It was a very scary day. Everytime Ryan would start to show improvement, he would bottom out again. His breathing was so labored, his temp kept climbing, and he was totally lifeless. His color was bad, just very scary. I am truly amazed by the strength of this little guy, I thought today was going to be the day he went to be with the angels. He said today he saw his angels, but when we told him he could go with them, he said, "No, not yet!"

He became alot more energetic late afternoon and early evening, but it didn't take much for him to become exhausted. He was having difficulty this evening and had a hard time going to sleep.

Please pray for Ryan and the rest of the family. I pray every morning when I get up that we have the strength, both spiritually and physically to make it through the day. There are so many challenges we have to face at a time like this that we didn't expect. Not only the challenges of not knowing what the tumor will do next to Ryan, but the challenge of dealing with the people around us.

Well, time for Nana to sign off. Thank you all for your support and to Julie, Nadine, Roy, Alisa and the many others that have been with us through all of this, especially family. We learn more from your strength than you will ever know. I may be giving all of you a call soon.

Please continue to keep Ryan in your prayers and don't forget to give him hugs and leave a message.

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!!!

God Bless -
Nana

Friday, June 17, 2005 10:46 PM CDT

June 18th 7:36pm

Ryan is sleeping now, he has been sleeping off and on all day. There really isn't much to update you on, he is still fighting this monster. He is truly our little hero.

Please give him hugs and sign the guest book.

Love,
Nana
**************************************
June 18th 11:45am

Ryan finally went to sleep abuot 1:30 this morning and slept until about 7:00am. Andrea, Phillip, and Ryan were in the living room last night spending some time alone. I ended up in there with them at Ryan's request. They all fell asleep, so I laid down on the loveseat and dozed off. He woke up this morning, walked over to the loveseat by himself and laid down with me. We were laying there dozing off and he said, Nana you stink, you need to take a shower. Isn't he just mister wonderful first thing in the morning?

He has been doing pretty good this morning. We had a few minutes of laughter in bed again( you know Mom, Dad, Ryan, and Nana) before he said okay and made us get up. Doesn't that sound like a Jerry Springer Show?

He wants to go play miniature golf today but in order to do that he has to rest this morning.

Ha has had one dose of morphine this morning, but seems to be fairly comfortable. He isn't having any major difficulties breathing right now.

Please keep Ryan in your prayers.

Nana
**************************************
I wish I had good news to report tonight, but I don't. Ryan is having a great deal of difficulty breathing and has had several episodes where he has quit breathing altogether and we were sure he wouldn't start again.

The hospice nurse came over and checked him out. Basically what she said was to give him the morphine through his port if he asked for it. He is still on the patch and using the sucker, but the morphine relaxes him. He will keep struggling to take a deep breath without the morphine, with the morphine he will be able to relax. He will go to sleep.

There are a few families reading this message that can understand our heavy hearts. Ryan is preparing to fight his greatest battle ever, the tumor may be able to destroy the vessel we look at, but it cannot destroy him. He will live on forever with many, many people. When we close our eyes we will see him, when we stand still and quiet we will hear him, when things are going bad for us, we will feel him. He will always be with us.

Please pray for Ryan, Andrea, Phillip, Elizabeth, and the rest of the family and friends that love him so much. Ryan has had me color one picture after the other of the HULK this week. Just now he told us that HULK will protect him. Give Ryan lots of hugs and lots of prayers.

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!!

Nana

Thursday, June 16, 2005 10:46 PM CDT

It is 4:00pm and to say Ryan has had a full day would definitely be an understatement. After physical therapy left, we went bowling and Ryan bowled ten frames. They have a rack that you push to the edge of the lane and Ryan can hold on to it. Then you set the ball at the top of it and he pushes the ball. He beat me!!!!!

When we came home he rested for awhile. Then Andrea and I went to the commissary to get stuff for him some spaghetti. When we turned down their street, Ryan was riding his bike with Daddy walking beside him. We were so excited!!!!!

Thanks to the Ross family for their package and to Aunt Barb for the one you sent. If you send cards or a package and we forget to say anything on line, please don't get offended. My mind can only absorb so much in one day and this is quite a bit.

Please leave hugs amd sign the guestbook. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY.

Nana
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June 16, 2005 10:35am

Well, he is doing better this morning. He asked if he could take a bath with Sissy. Then I was taking Sissy for a walk and he asked to go, so Mommy had one stroller and I had the other stroller and we walked.

Now he is trying to ask us for something and four adults can't figure it out. He gets so frustrated with us, so I left the room. Okay, now we know what he wanted. He told Uncle Bill the tire was flat on his four wheeler and he needed (mystery word) the PUMPER THING. Duh!!!!

Physical therapy is here to help us figure out things to do with him to keep his limbs from drawing up so bad. She was taking the air out of a beach ball and he sat straight up in bed and said, "I want that ball." Now, they are playing soccer with the beach ball.

Thank you so much to everyone that contacted alieneight.com and ordered the space blaster discs. He received a BIG, BIG box today. There were discs from Meme, Uncle Cory, Stacy and the kids, a new gun and discs from Kim and her family, and an alien target from alieneight.com. Thank you so much everyone. Now he keeps both guns loaded and ready. We have already placed a call for the Cpt. and the Colonel to come visit. Guess what, while I was writing an easy target came to visit. Cpt. Umbrell. Ryan is loving it. Thank you all so much!!!

Please pray that we have a good day today. He really seems to be having trouble swallowing today. His fruit smacks have gotten stuck a few times, but the pizza went down good. He asked if he could go bowling, we will give it a try.

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!! Celebrate Ryan is 15 months post diagnosis today. He is defying the odds.

Bye for now,
Nana

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Hello everyone - Ryan is sleeping right now. He seems to be weaker today and is really complaining about his port hurting. He started the patches for pain last night instead of the morphine injected into his port. It didn't seem to be working very well and tonight when we were bathing him we found out why. It wasn't stuck to his skin. So, we put a new one on and he is sleeping.

Mommy and Nana had a girls day out today. Nana had to get a haircut and then we went out to eat and just did girl stuff while Daddy and Uncle Bill held down the fort. It was definitely a refreshing change. Andrea has talked me into a few new projects. For those of you who don't know me, I usually have about 10 craft projects going at once. Eventually they all get finished. Eventually!

He only fell asleep after he called Nana to get into bed with him. Then he called Mommy to get into bed with him and Nana. Then he called Daddy to get into bed with him and Mommy and Nana. So, Nana was laying on one side of Ryan, then Mommy on the other side, and then Daddy on the other side of Mommy. Well, I can't go into details about what happened (Mommy did it), but Ryan was laughing so hard, he finally started saying stop, stop, stop. So, it was a great way to end a very difficult day.

We are beginning to feel very special at the Brown house, we had a very special group of visitors again tonight. Kelly, Andy, Noah, and Natalie stopped by. Jen Shaw brought by her FAMOUS Moltin Lava Potatoes. But, we also had Cpt. Umbrell, Colonel Kunk, Major Wintrich, and the pastor from the Kirkwood Baptist Church here for a visit. Thank you everyone for stopping by and thanks to Jen Shaw and Colonel and Kathleen Kunk for the food.

Ryan did take his space blaster outside tonight and you will never guess who he shot at, Cpt. Umbrell. Shaun seems to be his favorite target.

Phillip posted new pictures tonight. They are from the ceremony last night and maybe a few others have been stuck in.

Phillip has been getting into trouble for misbehaving. Uncle Bill is keeping him in line. That is a full time job for anyone.

Our RMH family has a new baby. Riley Stockett was born to Rebecca and Adam on Monday, June 13th. He is in NICU and could use everyone's prayers.

Please continue to pray for Ryan. Also, while you are here you should take a look at the pictures, give Ryan a few hugs, and sign the guestbook. Keep the other caring bridge kids in your prayers.

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!!

Love you all -
Nana

Wednesday, June 15, 2005 11:17 PM CDT

Hello everyone - Well, Ryan was officially made an "Honorary Member of the Regiment" today at 5:00pm in a simple ceremony on their front lawn. There were several representatives of the Ft. Campbell Army families there and it was a nice ceremony. It is a very prestigious award to receive and I can tell you I don't think there was a dry eye there. The ceremony was conducted by Cpt. Umbrell and the award was presented by Lt. Col. White. Then Dad was asked to say a few words and he very proudly talked about the war that Ryan is fighting. The private war that none of us can understand and cannot gauge the severity or discomfort of this war. I was so very, very proud of Phillip for the way he expressed his love for Ryan and his respect and admiration for the way Ryan has fought the battle. Daddy will be posting pictures tomorrow.

Then, one by one, we called some of the guys into the lair where Ryan was armed and waiting to ambush them. Guys, you are going to have to work on not being gullible enough to fall for it when Nana says, "Ryan wants to see you in the house." You have been warned. Oh, by the way, there are several refills for the space blaster on their way. Be afraid, be very afraid!!!!!! Ryan got quite a laugh out of tricking everyone that fell into our trap.

Ryan has changed from morphine injected into his port to the morphine patch with a morphine lollipop when the pain is really bad. Yes, you read right, a morphine lollipop. We are hoping this gives him more constant relief from the pain. Ryan's headaches are almost constant. We are not sure how severe they are because he always wants his big medicine.

He doesn't seem to be sleeping as much and has kind of settled into a pattern. Mornings are rough for Ryan with afternoons being a little better. Then in the evening he is at his best. We have been making Ryan walk to and from the bathroom. (Mommy made Nana make Ryan walk, but he needs to)

I slept with Ryan last night and was in the bedroom with him most of the morning. Andrea came in and lay down on the other side of him. She was facing Ryan and I was facing her. She lay there for the longest time just looking at him, as if she were trying to permanently etch into her memory every little thing about his face. So intently she would look at him, then close her eyes to save what she had seen to memory much like a computer saves information to a permanent memory. Then, she would open her eyes and do it all over again. She was concentrating so hard on what she was doing, it seemed like she forgot about anyone else being in the room. He will always be with us, forever permanently etched in our minds.

Ryan's appetite has been about the same. His speech is either getting better or we are just getting better at understanding him or both. He has been walking really good today. He even asked to watch a movie tonight, that hasn't happened much in the last two weeks.

Ms. Sharon and her daughter Scooter spent the evening with us so Andrea and Phillip could go out to a movie. We just about didn't let Ms. Sharon go, she has an amazing calming effet on Ryan. I think it may be a case of mutual admiration. Anyway, thank you Sharon and Scooter for your help and your support. Thanks to Ms. Meeks for the communications boards for Ryan. They will really come in handy and help with his frustration.

Once again I would like to thank everyone for their support for the kids and the rest of the family. Your prayers are keeping us up. Your meals are keeping us fed. I think we are all gaining weight thanks to the wonderful cooks here at Ft. Campbell. Please know that we appreciate each and every one of you.

Please give Ryan hugs while you are here and please, please sign the guestbook. Keep Ryan and the entire family in your prayers. Continue to pray for all of the caringbridge kids.

If you have never heard of Audrey's Umbrella, please go to www.braintrust.org and check it out. It is a wonderful program and alot of fun.

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!!!

God Bless You All -
Nana

Wednesday, June 15, 2005 6:57 AM CDT

Good Morning everyone - I am sorry I didn't do a journal last night, but Ryan wanted me to lay with him and we fell asleep. He had a headache last night and just had so much medicine yesterday that I convinced him to close his eyes and I rubbed his head. He fell asleep with no medicine. He woke up at 5:30 this morning with a headache and we tried it again, again it worked. So, maybe if we can get him to relax a little, we can back off the morphine.

Gotta go, Ryan needs me.

I will do a journal later.

Nana Sherry
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8:26am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRAM BETT!!!!!!

By the way, my wonderful friend Betty received the best birthday present ever, but it was a little early. Kaleb Douglas was born on the evening of June 6th. Although he was 5 weeks early and only weighed 4 lbs. 9 oz., Mom and Baby are both doing great and home with Daddy. Congratulations to all !!!!!!!!

Baby Ashton was being photographed(ultrasound) again this past Monday and the Dr. said they are doing fine. The estimate is that he will be a healthy sized baby and we all know he will be loved. But, he won't move when Nana is around so she can feel him. That's okay, I love him anyway.

Ryan had a slow sleepy morning yesterday, but a fairly active afternoon. He actually went swimming in his pool that Gram Bet bought him and Sissy for their birthday's. He spent the evening sitting on the couch watching cartoons.

Ryan really enjoys shooting Daddy, Uncle Bill, and all of the guys that come in with his disc blaster. Thanks to Eric and Jake from Audrey's Umbrella, it was a great gift. It has certainly brought many smiles to Ryan since he received it. But, we can't find refills for it. The discs from Walgreens are smaller and don't work as good. So, if anyone is out and about and you see a Minyin MY 889 Space Blaster, please let us know where so we can get refills.

Ryan's appetite was about the same as before. He did seem to be drinking a little better yesterday. The speech therapist from his pre-school is making him a communications board and bringing it to us.

Sissy had her well baby check up yesterday and she is healthy. She had a shot and seems to be a little fussy. I think she is cutting teeth also.

Ryan is going to receive the HMOR (Honorary Member of the Regiment) today from the Army. It is quite an honor and very few civilians receive it. We will try to get pictures posted as soon as we can.

Ryan is doing about the same. There are no major changes which is good.
Please sign the guestbook and PLEASE, PLEASE keep the prayers going.

Thanks to Aunt Barb for an awesome balloon bouquet. Thank you to everyone that has brought food, helped with Elizabeth, prayed, and offered your support in anyway to the kids and the rest of the family. There are so many, I cannot possibly remember everything (Ryan says I am old) and everyone. Just know that your acts of love and kindness do not go unappreciated.

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!

Love,
Nana Sherry

PS - I have a knew job here - Ryan's ofiicial nosepicker.

PSS - Kaidrie was listening to her guestbook entries and asked Amber what a Nana was. Amber explained to her and Kaid asked if I would ber her Nana to. You bet I will, with pride. Have a safe and fun trip Lee family!!!!

Monday, June 13, 2005 10:04 PM CDT

Hello Everyone,

I just want to thank everyone for your continued support, love and prayers. Thank you for your guestbook entries, it means so much to us to have such support. Thank you to all of the caringbridge who have mentioned Ryan on their websites. Thank you to all of the families who have told their loved ones, churches, and friends. Prayers are what we need right now.

I am sorry to those of you who have called or emailed, and I still have not gotten back to you.

Now about Ryan, he has been doing okay. I mean what can you really say, he looks better than he did last week, as far as color goes, but his eye is getting worse, he is getting more weak on both sides now, not just his left. It is very hard to understand him.

He does laugh sometimes throughout the day, but most of the day he looks absolutely miserable. He had morphine twice today and 1 dose of tylenol w/codeine. He said his throat was sore and his ears hurt. The nurse is going to come by tomorrow to see what they look like, and he may need to be on some antibiotics. Just what we need more medicine, but if it makes him feel better. He finally had a BM today, I know that is probably more information than you all wanted to know. But it has been over a week and we were really starting to get worried.

He has been ultra sensitive today and irritable. He would try to talk and we wouldn't be able to understand him and he would get frustrated, ball up his fists and just scream. He was even yelling at us a bit in his sleep.

Ryan has had some fun times today and a few laughs. Cpt. Shaun Umbrell came over again today to check on Ryan. We ambushed him with the Space Blaster gun. Ryan and I were laying in bed together and called him back to the room. He turned the corner and Ryan started shooting at him. They are just foam disks, but it sure made him laugh. Shaun didn't know what was coming when he turned the corner so it took him by surprise. Ryan sure liked getting Uncle Nate, Uncle Neil, and daddy with the Space Blaster too. So, if anyone knows where to get more cartridges for those things let me know. Anything to put a smile on my babies face.

Ryan and Nana colored some pictures tonight. Nana colored while Ryan told her what color to put where. She also read about 10 books to him, while mommy layed next to him. I couldn't get to far away today.

Ryan hasn't had as much to eat today as he had yesterday. He has mainly eaten fruit snacks. But did eat about a half a piece of pizza and some baked ziti, made by the Mackrell family. Thank you so much Andy, Kelly, Noah and Natalie, for the last few dinners, baked goods, balloons, book, and taking Elizabeth tonight for a few hours. It was a nice break and she seemed to have a lot of fun.

Papa D got the new pool ready and hopefully Ryan will feel like going in it tomorrow. Ryan and Elizabeth got a new pool from Gram Bett for their birthdays. It has like a half circle that is one depth and then a full circle that is a bit deeper. It covers almost our whole patio. I know Elizabeth will enjoy it and I am hoping Ryan will also.

Elizabeth has her one year well baby check in the morning. We will let you all know how that goes in the morning. I am sure they will say she is as healthy as a horse.

I don't really have much more to say. He is sleeing right now and has been for awhile. He seems to be sleeping really well too.

Please continue to pray for our caringbridge families.

PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY for our buddy, hero, baby boy Ryan.

Love to all,
Andrea

Sunday, June 12, 2005 11:26 PM CDT

Monday June 13, 2005 3:24pm

No one should have to struggle to understand a child when they speak because of a horrible beast like this tumor. Ryan's frustration level at not being understood is very low today and he keeps getting upset with us. He seems to have more trouble swallowing today than yesterday and he has no toderance for noise or light. His last dose of morphine was about 1:20pm, he dosn't complain of a headache at this time. He likes to see Sissy laugh. He keeps trying to make her laugh and just can't.

This just isn't fair, parents should never have to watch their children go through this no matter how old they are. I can't tell anyone how hard it is to see the pain and fear on Andrea and Phillip's faces.

NanaSherry
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Hello everyone -

Ryan is still about the same. He is not up moving very much and when he is he has to have help getting around. Most of the time he just wants us to carry him. He is moving his arms better today, but his left hand is really drawn up. His right hand seems to draw up when you pick him up.

He is hungry, but doesn't know what he wants to eat, so he asks for everything. Guess what, he gets it. We made two trips to Burger King and one to Taco Bell today. I made mac and cheese and his parents picked up "Smiley face fruit snacks" and Pop-Tarts for him. He ate about 6 to 10 bites of everything, so he had a little bit to eat today.

He is getting very frustrated with us when we have trouble understanding him. He did lay in his own room today and watched a movie. He asked to put a puzzle together, but then decided he was too tired. He also wanted Sissy today, but she is so wild, that didn't last long.

Ryan has always had a wonderful laugh and now his laugh is even more wonderful to hear. Uncle Cory had him laughing today and Daddy had him laughing a few times. How I would love to see him running, jumping, and hear him laughing uncontrollably again.

Mema Pat, Papa Bob, and all of their family left today. Uncle Bill and his family left about the same time Gram Bet took off. Then Uncle Cory left and we were all alone. I think more than one of us wished the crowd was back. Now it is time to face the reality of what is going on with Ryan and how are lives could be changing.

It breaks my heart to see him struggle for every word and to be so weak that eating a few bites of food is enough to put him to sleep. Once today he asked me to lay down by him and he started feeling my face. Cory and I just looked at each other, he really had me worried. I asked him if he could see me and at first he said no, then he said yes he could see me. In true Ryan fashion, he told Cory to be careful and drive safe going home.

There are new pictures posted, please take a look at them. PLEASE, PLEASE sign the guestbook, it helps now more than ever.

To all of the Ft. Campbell families that have been by to wish Ryan well and to offer your support to Andrea and Phillip, THANK YOU. To Cpt. Shawn Umbrell, You are an angel on earth. Thank everyone for the food, it has been delicious.

Please pray for Ryan and the other Caringbridge kids.

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!!!! and praying we get one.

God Bless You All -
Nana Sherry

Saturday, June 11, 2005 9:50 PM CDT

I just wanted to let everyone know how much we appreciate everything that everyone has done for our family thus far. Thank you for the support, love and prayers that you have given us.

I also wanted to tell anyone who would call or email, that I am working on the call backs and writing you back, but it has been so busy around here with all of the company and I am trying to spend every moment I can with Ryan. Even if it is just to watch him sleep. I am trying to take all of him in that I possibly can right now. He seems to be getting better day by day.

Also to let you all know, Phillip and I have our moments of break down, but we are still holding on strong and keeping our FAITH. Even though medically the outcome does not look good, SPIRITUALLY they are wonderful. MIRACLES DO HAPPEN, and we just have to keep praying and BEELIEVING in GOD.

Thank you again to everyone who has been calling, visiting, emailing and signing the guestbook. Your support means the world to us.

Love to all,
Andrea
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Hello everyone - Gee, now I have to go back and recap the entire day. I don't know if my memory is that good.

Ryan had a dose of morphine at about 2:30 this morningand another about 5:30 this evening. Then about 8:30am he decided it was time to get up and just started crawling out of bed by himself. I brought him into the living room with me and our busy day began.

Uncle Cory, Aunt Heather, Tony, Meme, Brandon, and Brady were still down and were here this morning to greet their little super hero. Mema Pat, Papa Bob, Uncle Greg, Aunt Lisa, Shelby, Gregory, Uncle Bennie, Aunt Trish, Aunt Kathy, Mike, and Crystal were all here. Uncle Bill, Jody, Tiffaney, Emily, Aunt Carol, Debbie, and Gram Bet were by also.

First Sgt. England and his family came by to give Ryan a special award, he has been made an honorary sgt. It was very moving to hear the things he had to say about Ryan and his courage during trying times. Ryan received a Sgt.'s coin and a really nice plaque. A big thanks to the England's for the food you brought.

He ate really good today and was alot more vocal. He went outside for a while and even went to Burger King to eat. He slid down the slide in the playland with the help of Uncle Cory and Daddy.

Ryan moved his official place to rest into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom. That gives him the power to control how many people are around him. Anyone can come in to visit him, but only a few can stay very long.

Meme and the boys went home today. It was hard for us to see them leave, but even harder for them to go. Thankfully, they made it home safely. Most of the out of town visitors are going home tomorrow.

Ryan was more mobile today and told us that he is getting better, he knows. He is definitely a fighter. His courage is inspirational to everyone around him. It was a Nana - Ryan day today, he wanted Nana to cuddle with him most of the day. Believe me, I am not complaining, I just soaked it all in - every minute.

Please sign the guestbook, it really helps us out. Also, please continue to pray for Ryan and the other caringbridge kids.

God Bless You All -
Nana Sherry

Friday, June 10, 2005 9:06 PM CDT

June 11, 2005 6:24PM
Ryan was awake for quite awhile this afternoon. He ate some peaches, drank alot of juice, and had a few french fries. Right now he is at Burger King. He sat up in bed and said, "I want to go to Burger King to eat and play." So, Ryan and his entourage left for BK. He truly does have an entourage, it looked like a circus parade leaving here to go to BK.

He had morphine at 2:30 this morning and then again about 5:30pm. His left eye is still drooping, but he is more vocal today.

Keep praying, please.
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Saturday, June 11, 2005 2:46PM

Ryan has had a fairly good morning. He ate some pizza rolls (2) and has had about a fourth of a donut. He has been drinking chocolate milk pretty good today.

He did go outside and sit on my lap for quite awhile today. We were sitting on the lawn swing and he was resting good. But, he decided it was time to come in. He was really upset with me earlier, he thought I said I was leaving and he started crying to go with me. I had to explain to him that I was not going anywhere.

Once again, we have so many people here to show there love and concern for Ryan, Elizabeth, Andrea, and Phillip. Thank you everyone for all you have done and everything you are doing for us. Please keep up yours prayers.

Please pray for Ryan, Carolyn, Kaidrie, and the other caring bridge kids. KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!!

God Bless You All -
Nana Sherry
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Hello all - Ryan is laying on the couch and Meme is massaging his tummy. He ate some mashed potatoes and spaghetti o's this evening. He also saw something on TV he wanted, but wasn't able to tell me what it was.

Ryan had a headache tonight and asked for medicine about 6:00pm. He has used his oxygen off and on tonight. Ryan's left eye is drooping more than it had been, in fact, it barely opens most of the time. But he is talking more today.

There really isn't alot of change in Ryan today. But, we are happy to have him any way we can get him. God blesses us everyday we have Ryan with us. I told him tonight I was going to take him and run away, he told me I couldn't run away. Ryan was surrounded by family and friends today that love him very much.

Thank you for your prayers and concerns. Please continue to pray for Ryan and the other caring bridge kids. Carolyn Russo is recovering well from her surgery.

PLEASE, PLEASE SIGN THE GUESTBOOK!!!!!!

God Bless You All -

Nana Sherry

Thursday, June 9, 2005 10:14 PM CDT

June 10th 5:14pm

Sorry I haven't done an update yet today, but he has been sleeping most of the day. He did have a chance to crack on Daddy earlier. They were helping him go potty and he looked at Phillip and said, "What are your doing?" They got a kick out of that.

He did wake up this afternoon and ate some Cheerios, about half a square of grilled cheese, and some banana. He went outside to swing for about five minutes, but passed on the chance to go swimming again. He did sit on his little picnic table to eat, twice. Right now we see anything Ryan does as a major milestone and a reason to get excited.

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Hello everyone - Ryan had a really full day today. He ate the cereal this morning. Then he started letting us know something wasn't right. He pointed to his stomach. We couldn't figure out what he wanted to eat. All of a sudden he said, "DONUT!" Well, it has been a while since I have seen Papa D move like that, but he came back with donuts for Ryan. Then I asked him if he wanted milk, he shook his head yes, so I got him a glass of milk. He didn't want a glass of milk, he wanted a cup of milk so he could dip his donut in it and dip he did. He ate three donut holes dipped in milk. Then it was time to go to sleep again.

He was awake off and on for the afternoon. Phillip went to run an errand, most everyone else had gone to the hotel to swim, Andrea and I were going to the grocery store. We told Ryan we were going to the grocery store and Papa D would be here with him. As we started to walk away, he said, "YOU". I turned around and asked if he wanted me to stay with him and he said "GO!" Well, we loaded him up and took him to the grocery store with us. He could speak well enough to say he wanted spaghetti o's, peaches, and chocolate milk.

When we came home it was time to sleep again after he ate peaches and spaghetti o's. When Mommy got ready to plug in his IV for the night, his needle had come out. We decided to take advantage of the situation and headed for the hotel and the pool. Ryan was able to move again in the water with very little struggle. He only swam for about ten minutes, but he really did enjoy it. Now we are waiting on hospice to come and access his port.

Ryan's wheelchair was delivered today, but they had to come and get it because it is too small. His oxygen was delivered today and he has been using it when he sleeps. Also, Mommy, Daddy, and Nana had lessons today on hooking his IV up at night.

Ryan had lots of visitors today. Tristyn, his best friend from school came by, Ms. Sharon his teacher came by, Jen Shaw and the kids were here, some of his classmates Mom's came by, and his good buddy Shawn Umbrell came by and left him a very special gift.

Alpha company delivered diapers for Elizabeth today. They delivered enough diapers and wipes for triplets for about six months. Thank you so much, your kindness is overwhelming.

Ryan keeps his eyes closed most of the time now. We know he is in there and alot of the time he is awake, he just can't hold his eyes open. He did use his arms a little more today than he has been and sat at the table to eat all three of his meals. He walked (assisted) a few times. Also, it is now almost 11:00pm and Ryan hasn't had anything for pain since 7:00am this morning.

Phillip has formation tomorrow morning at 11:00am and he is going to be breaking the news of our setback to the rest of the guys in his company. They are such a great bunch of guys and they along with their wives have been a true gift from God.

Thank you for your prayers for Ryan and the rest of the family. Please continue to pray for him.

God Bless You All -
Nana Sherry

Wednesday, June 8, 2005 11:06 PM CDT

June 9th 12:24PM
I know everyone is checking for updates on a regular basis. Ryan needed another dose of morphine about 7:00am. After he had his meds he said he wanted to get up and go in the living room with Nana. I laid him on the couch and he was wide awake. He started making noise and when I asked him what he wanted, he said,"EAT!!" I gave him a list of options and he chose Cheerios. Then he let me know he wanted to sit at the table to eat. He sat at the table and fed himself about 4 big bites of cheerios. He drnk water from the bottle (probably more than he has drank total in the last four days) and held the bottle himself. He was able to go potty by himself and then ate some more of his cereal. Then he walked back to the couch to lay down again. He was awake the better part of three or three and a half hours. Now he is exhausted and sleeping again.

We now have oxygen for Ryan and his new wheels was delivered today.

Nana

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Ryan had to have his morphine during the night. It is hard to tell if it is the meds making him so tired nd lethargic or if it is the "BEAST". At any rate, we called everyone that was here local and had them come over because he seemed to be having difficulty breathing. He pulled out of it thankfully. But, it gave Mema Pat and Papa Bob some good time with him. Eventually, Meme and Uncle Cory wound up laying in bed snuggling with him instead of Mom and Dad. So, the night turned out to be a chance to love and love on Ryan. Can't get enough of that Ryan love. At one point, Mommy, Daddy, Uncle Cory, Meme, and Nana were all on the bed with Ryan. Dady and Uncle Cory managed to get several smiles out of him and a few soft chuckles.

Thank you all for your prayers, please let's keep them going. I want to thank everyone for the prayers for Jennifer and baby Kaleb. Jen and Josh became the proud parents of a beautiful baby boy Monday night. Quite a bit early and extremely small, Kaleb is very healthy and will carry on the Douglas name he shares with Ryan and our angel Doug.
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Hello all - First of all, I want to say a BIG, BIG thank you to Aunt Nae and Aunt Susan. They stayed in Ft. Campbell with Elizabeth so Nana could be in Nashville with Ryan. They also had the house ready when we got home, Aunt Nae baked brownies (they are almost gone),and they took care of greeting all of the wonderful friends that came by to drop off food, etc.

Ryan is home YEAH!!!!! I thought you were all going to have to chip in and bail me out. I was going to kidnap him and run away from the hospital. You would have seen the Amber alert, NANA TAKES RYAN FROM HOSPITAL AND RUNS, RUNS, RUNS.

Once again the kids left it up to me to tell you all the bad news. Ryan's MRI was not good. The tumor has grown and has doubled in spots. There are spots that are new tumor growth and a significant amount of necrosis. Dr. K said the tumor and the necrosis are just eating away at good tissue and bad tissue. We were sent home today to keep Ryan comfortable.

Hospice came by for the first time. Even laying on the couch unable to speak or hardly keep his eyes open, our little Buddy had the nurse and the social worker charmed. By the time they left it was just like they were part of the family.

I am probably going to be bouncing around tonight with my topics, just bear with me. It was hard to leave Vandy today. Even the parking lot attendent had gotten to know the kids personally. Our very special nurse Trishy, Michelle in Diagnostics and Imaging, Candy, and who could forget Dr. K., we will miss you all.

Speaking of Trishy and Michelle. We spent a few hours in Diagnostics and Imaging yesterday waiting for Ryan's turn to go in for the MRI. Trish and Michelle had us laughing so hard, it was so refreshing. Then Bubby wakes up long enough to say Nana, I want you in bed with me. So, Nana hoists her old self into the bed, but my butt is hanging off. I finally get all the way up on the bed, get the rail up, and Phillip, Michelle, and Trish start in again. I thought I would fall out of bed laughing. Ryan slept through all of it. Then they called us back for the MRI and guess who was driving the bed - TRISH and MICHELLE. I had on my glasses and had to take them off because they were making me so dizzy. All of a sudden our bed starts zooming down the hall, Trish and Michelle were laughing hysterically. Phillip, my dear, dear son in law was pushing us down the hall as fast as he could. We will miss you girls.

The place is abuzz with visitors. Mema Pat, Papa Bob, Uncle Cory, Aunt Heather, Tony, Meme, Brandon Brady, Papa D, and of course Nana are here visiting. Oh, Nana is not visiting, I am here to stay, Phillip is thinking about running away from home. Ryan's soccer buddy Brian came by to visit and brought him a soccer playing gorilla. Thank you Brian's family.

As sick as Ryan is now, he can still give us a smile and a samll laugh every now and then. It seems like it takes all of his energy to do it. He sleeps all of the time, says very few words, usually just shaking his head yes or no. He tries to say I love you, but the words won't come out. We still talk to Ryan and act like he is participating in the conversation. He had one very small bite of food for breakfast and one for dinner. Phillip was finally able to get him to drink a few sips of his favorite soda, Green/yellow (Mountain Dew or Sundrop).

To get some of the people out of the house, I asked Brandon, Brady, and Tony to take a walk with me and go to the park. Ryan overheard it and started letting me know something was wrong. It didn't take long to figure out - Ryan was going to the park with us. It took us awhile to find a stroller he would fit in very good, but we did and off we went. We played tag with the others and only cheated a little bit. It only took about 15 minutes for him to tire out, so we came home.

Tomorrow Daddy and Uncle Cory are going to try to take him swimming. He loves the water.

Please keep praying for Ryan. He is not our spunky little boy right now and we want that little boy back.

Please continue to pray for Carolyn, she had most of her tumor removed yesterday. After being told it ws benign, they found it is in fact a glioblastoma. She has chemo wafers in her brain and will start more treatment later.

Please pray for Kaidrie and the other caring bridge kids. PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY FOR OUR MIRACLE.

God Bless You All,
Nana

Tuesday, June 7, 2005 11:20 PM CDT

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UPDATE!!! Wednesday June 8,2005 5:40 am
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Ryan had a headache at around midnight, and they gave him Motrin. He took the elixir this time because the pill is just getting to hard to swallow. But, he would only take half of the dose they had for him. But is seemed to do the trick until about 4:30 am, and he woke up with a headache. It was about 5:15 am and the doctors gave him a small dose of morphine. The doctor stood in here to see if he was going to have any kind of reaction and he did not, and then fell asleep so they said he was going to be okay with it. He is currently sleeping.

Ryan hasn't eaten since Monday afternoon. He says he is to tired, and isn't drinking as much as he should be, but he is on an IV. He did finally go pee last night, after the accident.

I will let everyone know when the doctors come in and give us the results of the MRI.

Nana says that if they don't let him leave this morning, she is going to kidnap him. So watch for Nana kidnaps little boy from hospital on the news. I think they will have a fight on there hands if they don't let us go home today. The only way we will stay is if it could be fluid build up and not tumor growth, because then we might do the shunt, but it all depends on what they tell us this morning.

Please read Daddy's beautiful poem written to Ryan below.

I've known you for so long
You've always been in my heart,
But now your in the hospital
I pray to God the tears don�t start,
Your like my best friend
And you always will be,
Ryan, I want you to get better
I want you to be free,
I don�t want you in pain
I just want it all to end,
I want you to be out of the hospital
And with your family again,
I hate to see
My best friend sad,
All I can do
Is think about the good times you've had,
I know you hurt inside
And so do I,
But I staying positive
And lifting my head up high,
But its gonna get better
I will pray every night,
I just want everything
To be alright.

With the greatest love
Dad

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UPDATE!!!!! Tuesday June, 2005 8:05 pm
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Ryan had his MRI today at 5:00 pm, they did not have to give him the propofal because he was so groggy anyways. They gave him Vessra, I think is how to spell it. But we did have an accident, he was scurmy in the MRI machine and they told him that he needed to lay still, well he did and wet himself. He has not gone to the bathroom all day and as soon as he got into the machine he had to go but couldn't tell anybody. He has started talking a bit more, just a few words here and there, and has giggled a few times. It is progress and very good progress. It was so nice to here his laugh, even as soft as it was.

We will not get the results tonight. Dr. K. is on vacation, but is making a special trip in here tomorrow to discuss the results with us. They think it will be sometime in the morning. The fellow on call tonight had to come in and discuss some very difficult decisions with us, but they have already been made, so it was a pretty short talk.

Besides the sleeping all day, and the not talking. He looks good today and has not been drooling hardly at all. He has been using his new pillows from Aunt Meme a lot today for his headaches.

He has also made the same stipulation here as he did in SLC about when you come to see him. You have to bring a present to be allowed in the door. So of course he has been filled up with toys and balloons. Our house is going to float away with all of the balloons, but that is quite alright because it makes him feel better and smile.

I wanted to let everyone know what was happening up to this point. Ryan is sleeping again right now. He has been awake more this evening, watching some cartoons, but he says he wants everyone to leave him alone and not talk to him.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and if anything changes we will let you all know.

Love and Prayers,
Andrea
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UPDATE!!!!! Tuesday June 7, 2005 1:25pm
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Ryan has been doing okay. He woke up about 5:30 am and had a really bad headache. They gave him some motrein and it didn't even phase it, so he then took some tylenol w/codeine. He fell asleep almost immediately afterwards and hasn't stirred much since then. He is now awake and watching cartoons, but not really watching cartoons. He doesn't want you to talk to him and doesn't want you to bother him, he said he just wants us to leave him alone. He either cannot or is not talking. I haven't heard him say anything since early this morning. Everything is by a shake of the head. He has not been out of bed since we got here last night, and has been asleep since we got here. So, right now, he is comfortable now. That is all that matters right now.

He is going to have his MRI today at 3:00 pm. He has not had anything to eat or drink today and seems to be okay with it. We will hopefully have the results today, this evening, or bright and early in the morning. We will hopefully be at home this evening or tomorrow. Of course as soon as we know anything I will let you know.

Love and Prayers,
Andrea

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Hello Everyone!

I first want to thank everyone for the guestbook entries, phone calls, visits at the hospital, words of encouragement, and especially the PRAYERS.

We got to Vandy about 6:00 pm. It was so nice not to have to drive down here. SLC did transport him and we had the best transport team ever, thanks so much guys. Sabra, Tim, Jason and Lou thank you so much for being so wonderful. Ryan had a valium before we left the hospital, it actually took us awhile to get going because of weather issues, but when we did leave on our way to the airport, the three of us fell asleep in the back of the ambulance. Once we were on the plane and ready to go, as we got to a safe height, Ryan was able to get off of the stretcher and come sit on my lap. He then fell asleep, and slept the whole way. On the way to Vandy from the airport he didn't sleep but he did have a hard time keeping his eyes open. Once we were here, it was like okay I am back and I can relax and just go to sleep. Because he has been asleep since we have been here, they have drawn labs, an alarm for a drill has gone off, we had a few visitors and he still slept throughout the whole thing and is sleeping very good. So hopefully it will be a good night for him and he is able to catch up on some much needed rest.

The MRI has been pushed up to 3:00 o'clock tomorrow afternoon. We are going to see how things go with him not eating for the entire day, because if it gets to be to hard on him, then we are going to go for first thing Wednesday morning. It is going to be our call, because if he just can't handle not eating all day, Phillip and I are not going to put him through that, but they wanted to get it done and they could only slide him in at that time or later because they are completely booked. So, as soon as we know anything we will let you all know. We will let you know how he does during the day and if he has the MRI for sure tomorrow.

Ryan has been having an up and down day. He was very irritable this morning, but I attribute that to the steroids. Family started filtering in and out of the hospital, so after everyone was there he became more active and happy. Uncle Cory, Uncle Brian, Brandon and Ryan played football and soccer on the 2nd floor waiting room. He was doing so good, I mean still having a lot of trouble with balance but he tried hard and did really well for the way he has been feeling. But when he got tired he just kind of crashed and became irritable again and you could do nothing right.

Symptoms are still there, they vary from time to time. He is still drooling, balance is off, speech slurred, and with that he is becoming very frustrated with himself and everyone who cannot understand him.

Nadine I am so sorry that I missed your call yesterday. I was looking forward to another chat. Julie thank you for your ear once again, even when there are things going on in your life you don't hesitate to drop everything for someone else in need. Roy thank you for your information, prayers, support and words of encouragement. After talking with you the other night, I just felt so much better about everything. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Buddy thank you for doing the journal entry while we were not able to make it to a computer. It means so much to know that everyone will still be updated about Ryan and I don't have to worry about it. Phillip and I don't have to worry about much of anything except taking care for Ryan because our friends and family are so wonderful.

Please continue to pray for Ryan. He is our little hero and can still beat this nasty thing. Even as hard as it tries to take over, he won't let it and still lives his life to the fullest. He is not going to let it win. He will not let it take over. He is so strong, brave and determined to be a normal little boy. It is amazing to me that no matter what he has to go through, he never complains about it.

I do have a few prayer requests for you besides Ryan

Kaidrie is in the hospital with a few complications. She has been having seizures.

Our friend Caroline is having surgery tomorrow on her brain tumor.

Jennifer and baby Kaleb still need our prayers.

Ryan's friend Scooter, needs prayers because she is going to have to have surgery on her legs to correct the way her feet point in, and she is having a really hard time getting over a bad cough that she has had for quite sometime.

I also have some very bad news. Ryan's puppy dog Miki died while we were gone over the weekend. It was the one that Uncle Cory and Aunt Heather had for him last summer. Ryan has had him right at a year and he does not know yet about him no longer being with us. Family is working on getting him a new puppy. To let you all know what happened, a friend went over to check on the dogs and feed them. Miki was out of the kennel on the ground. He was still warm and limber, his nose was even still wet from where he had taken a drink. Our friend said his tummy looked bloated and out of form, so we think he may have had some internal bleeding, because Ryan accidentally stepped on him last week. He had a few stools that were bloody and then he seemed fine so we left him. But I wanted to let everyone know so they could pray for Ryan to not take it to devastatingly hard. He loved that dog so much and it will be very hard for him to find out that Miki is no longer with us.

I have posted the room number and the direct line to his room. Just so you know.

Love to all,
Andrea

Sunday, June 5, 2005 10:47 PM CDT

Hello Everyone!
It has been awhile since I've had to do a journal so bare with me here.

Last night for the birthdays we ended up at Chuck E Cheese instead of Tumbledrum. We all had a wonderful time. Ryan enjoyed it, but was still a bit weak. Sissy thought it was awesome.

Ryan woke up about 5am again today with another headache. We gave him some motrin and he went back to sleep shortly thereafter. When he woke up a couple hours later, he said he felt very fine. "Nope, no more headache!!!" We thought it was going to be a good day. Once he was up and moving around, he was symptomatic all day. His balance was not very stable and he was drooling and having trouble talking off and on all day. Ryan's left side seemed weaker today than yesterday and he didn't use his arm much today. He fell a few times, but thankfully was careful and there were no major falls.

As the evening went on he seemed to be getting worse. As they were getting the truck loaded to go back to KY, Ryan started having more trouble walking. By the time they were done loading, he was barely able to walk again and was not talking well at all. They called Vandie and was told to take him back to SLC to see if it was ok to drive him home tonight. They are currently in getting his CT scan right now. I will let everyone know what is said when they call me back.

You know the part that amazed me the most over the last 2 days is we all knew Ryan wasn't feeling well. Anyone could look at him and tell this. But, it never gets him down. He sits out of playing when he needs a break and never complains or gets upset because he can't keep up with the others. And he still tries to keep on going. Even when he's so unbalanced, he takes his time and tries his best to get where he's going on his own. I can't tell you how many times he told me that he didn't need my help, that he could do it himself. And sometimes he did just that, and others he'd finally let you know he needed the help and then went on with whatever he was doing. He handles this with grace and so much strength and courage.

Please pray for Ryan, Andrea, Phillip and Elizabeth right now. They have a big decision ahead of them with the shunt. Please also pray for the rest of the family in this time. I know I'm asking for a lot of prayers here, but also keep Carolyn in your prayers as her family makes their decisions on what to do next. And all the other caring bridge families.

STAY STRONG AND KEEP BEELIEVING!!!!!!!

UPDATE!!!! They are keeping Ryan tonight and giving him steroids. They are hoping that tomorrow they will be able to take him to Vandie. I don't know yet what the CT scan showed. Andrea just called as I was finishing the above part and that's all she told me so far.

Hi this is Nana!

I wish I was here to tell you that things were better, but they aren't, The dr. told us the CT scan tonight looks the same as the one from yesterday, so it is not the fluid that is causing Ryan's symptoms, it is the tumor.

If Ryan were 8 months post diagnosis, he would only give him a few more days. But, since Ryan has defied the odds to this point the dr. can't give us an estimate of time.

The Dr. only has the CT from yesterday and the one from today to compare to each other. He is trying to do the best he can, but he does not want the kids to try to take Ryan back to KY on their own. He thinks it is too risky. So, we are trying to find a way to have him flown back home. He did say to start calling the family together to spend time with Ryan.

This can't be happening, he is the one that everyone had counted on beating this thing and now it is winning. Please pray for us all. Ryan wins no matter what, but the rest of us lose so much. We will keep you posted.

**UPDATE June 6, 2005**
Ryan's condition hasn't changed today. He will be flying back to Vanderbilt today - Andrea and Phillip will get to fly with him. The Life Flight was supposed to leave at 1pm, but has to wait for some weather to pass. When they get to Vanderbilt and get an MRI done they will update everyone as soon as possible. Please continue to pray for Ryan and his family - as they will need all the prayers and support they can get right now.

Saturday, June 4, 2005 4:22 PM CDT

Hi everyone - I wish I was getting on here to tell you all that the visit with the Brown's has been uneventful and calm, but it hasn't. They arrived at Nana's Friday evening and we enjoyed the evening together. Ryan has a doctor kit and I had my blood pressure taken, my temp taken, my throat checked several times and at least 100 shots. Then we put in one of Ryan's favorite movies and all fell asleep. He was pretty restless all night. Ryan woke me up about 5:00am getting into bed with me and said he had a headache and needed some medicine. (Ryan hasn't asked for medicine for a headache in forever.) Well, Nana only had Tylenol, he took it and it didn't stay down long. The scary part was that he was so wobbly he couldn't even stand up by himself to throw up. Then it took two of us to get him back to the couch. Mom, being always on top of things, called Vanderbilt and they said to take him to the nearest children's hospital which is St. Louis Children's Hospital. Fantastic hospital, but totally unfamiliar with Ryan and his situation. They did a head CT and the neurosurgeons told Andrea and Phillip they were concerned with the amount of fluid build up in Ryan's head. That was the cause of the headache and the vomiting. The only thing they could offer was putting in a shunt to drain the fluid. The kids opted not to go with that right now, they are going to go back home tomorrow and Ryan has an MRI on June 13th. They will talk to the dr. at Vandie then.

Ryan seems to be having trouble with his balance and his left side seemed weaker to us. The drs. at SLC confirmed our suspicion that there is a definite difference in his right and left side. He doesn't drag his left foot, but he doesn't step as well with it. Also, this morning his speech was really bad and he couldn't hardly take a drink of milk with his left hand. His left eye seems to be getting droopier and he has started drooling quite a bit. I noticed a dramatic difference in my little Buddy from two weeks ago to now. He could hardly get out the words ,"I love you" to Mema Pat when we dropped Elizabeth off to her.

But, after the CT scan he started laughing and smiling and being Ryan, just a little weaker. So, we are staying closer to SLC tonight as the drs. did not want him to travel unless it was to travel home. We have big plans tonight for an evening of TUMBLEDRUM to celebrate about a million birthdays.

We will keep you all posted. Please pray for our little Buddy and pray for Mom, Dad, and Sissy. The kids have some big decisions coming up and they will need all the prayers we can send up to Heaven for them.

Our friend Carolyn had an MRI this week and her tumor has not changed. So, her family is faced with the decision of what to do next. Keep them in your prayers.

Pray for all of our caring bridge families.

God Bless You All,
Nana

Wednesday, June 1, 2005 10:35 AM CDT

SORRY SORRY SORRY!

My mother informed me last night that there had not been a journal in a week.

It has was the end of school last week, parent teacher conferences, holiday weekend and just plain busy.

I do hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and will have another one in just a few days. We didn't do much, we went to pick up our neice in Rend Lake, she is spending the week with us.

Last week, was week of the Eagles here on post, so we were pretty busy. We did a few of the things that were going on, we did go to the division review on Thursday. It is a ceremony, where all of the units here on post stand out on the parade field and they have awards, music, honors, and inspection of soldiers. Ryan thought it was awesome when they marched right by us, he thought that was the best part. I got a good tan out of it on my arms. It was a good experience and am very glad that we went to it.

Ryan is not able to start swim lessons in June, the class filled up before we had the chance to get there. So, he is going to start them in July for two weeks, Monday thru Thursday. We are going to sign him up today.

We went to a BBQ at our really good friends house on Monday, where Ryan's 4 wheeler is being stored, so he was able to ride his 4 wheeler all afternoon. He was so excited. They have a big yard so he was able to ride it a lot. Uncle Nate even had it out before we got there all ready to go, because he knew that as soon as we arrived Ryan would want to ride it.

Yesterday and today are kind of lazy days. Phillip is at work, so we don't have a car to go anywhere. Tomorrow is a doctors appointment and then I think we are going to do something in Nashville.

Ryan is feeling really well and has been doing good on this round of chemo. Please continue to pray for his health. Please also continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and family.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, May 24, 2005 8:35 PM CDT

*********NEW PHOTOS*********

It has been a pretty uneventful last couple of days.

Yesterday was Elizabeths 1st Birthday. Of course, she could have cared less and thought it was any other day. We didn't do much, she slept a better part of the day, then we had our neighbor and her girls over for cake and presents. Elizabeth enjoyed the cake the most out of everything, but Ryan enjoyed the presents. I want to thank, Scooter and Ms. Sharon for the books, she loves them and played with them in the bathtub last night, after eating cake. Thank you Tracey for the package you sent to her, she loves to chew on them and beat Ryan on the knee with the keys.

We had his soccer party tonight. It was a lot of fun. He got a trophy, it has a soccer ball on it and it lights up. It is the coolest. Thank you so much Phyllis for organizing so much for all of us, ordering the trophies and for everything you have done for the team and the family. Thank you Heather and Jenny for being the coaches, you did a great job, hope to see you again in the fall. Ryan is already looking forward to the fall season.

It was Ryan's last day of school until August 4, and then he will start Kindergarten. I can't believe my baby is going to go to school full time in just a few short months. Before I know it he will be graduating high school, and then college.

He has been doing really well the last few days. He is sounding kind of hoarse right now, he says his throat doesn't hurt but he sure sounds like it should. He had a headache today, but sometimes it is hard to tell if it is a real headache or if he doesn't want to do something I have asked him too. Like pick up his toys or if he wants me to do something and he knows I will if he says he has a headache. They can be very sneaky sometimes.

Ryan got the coolest thing in the mail yesterday afternoon. I almost wanted to take him out of school because I didn't know if I could wait for him to open up this package. It was his quilt for LoveQuilts. It was so awesome and he has done nothing but wrap up in it since he got it. He says it makes him feel very warm and like he is getting lots of hugs all at once. Thank you so much to all of the ladies that stitched for him. Cathy for letting Ryan be a part of your wonderful program. Jeanie for making the quilt and the pillows. I will try and get some pictures up tonight or tomorrow. Phillip really is the one I have to get to do it. I am kind of computer illiterate. I can do a journal and check my email, beyond that and I am lost.

Today we went to WIC and the ladies there were commenting on the tooth Ryan has lost. He said he would be a millionaire by the time he lost all of his teeth because the tooth fairy gives him so much money. He then said that he would be like Papa when he lost all of his teeth and could take them out whenever he wanted too. It is one of those things at the time, had you laughing so hard because of the way he looked.

Please continue to pray for Ryan. He is on his 4th round of chemotherapy and seems to be tolerating it very well. Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and family.

Also, right now we are once again doing the Hollyhocks for Hope fundraiser. If you are interested in a hollyhock please let me know. They are $1.00 apiece, I will post more about it later, but right now I have to get Ryan out of the bathtub.

Love to all,
Andrea

Sunday, May 22, 2005 9:31 PM CDT

Hello all, Ryan is doing good he got sick right befor his soccer game. But as tough as he is, he still played the last game. On Tuesday we will have his soccer party at.... you guessed it Chuck E Cheese. Papa Denny came down this weekend. The kids and him had so much fun together. Today we had a cake and opened Papa's present to Elizabeth. She got a womens dream cake it was a double layer choclet cake with choclet icing laced with pink swirl icing and most importantly it was made by daddy. She devoured two of her own choclet cupcakes it was so cute and funny. Ryan spent most of the day swimming in his pool. Ryan's lastday of school is tomorrow so him and mommy can have lots of time together this summer.
Please keep prayinf for ryan and our cb friends. Please pray for our troops all over the world.

Thank you
Daddy

Thursday, May 19, 2005 10:06 PM CDT

Hello everyone - Well, Ryan is home tonight with Mom, Dad, and his sister. I talked with him this evening and he said he felt fine.

Thank you everyone for your prayers. Please continue to pray for Ryan. PLEASE, PLEASE sign the guestbook.

Remember Carolyn, Mary Lou, and all of the caringbridge families in your prayers. We have a special prayer request tonight for Josh, Jennifer, and baby Kaleb Douglas Morgan. Baby Kaleb isn't due for eight weeks, but due to complications may have to be taken early. Baby kaleb will be a fighter. He shares the name Douglas with Ryan and his late Uncle Doug(that is where Ryan got the name).

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!

God Bless You All,
Nana Sherry

Wednesday, May 18, 2005 7:30 PM CDT

To update everyone on the events of today. Ryan fell at school and hit his head really hard. The nurse took him into her office and they put ice on his head. He didn't respond to her satisfaction so she called Andrea and Phillip. The nurse felt Ryan needed to go home and probably see Dr. K. So, they called the dr. and he told them to bring Ryan to Nashville to the ER. He also told them to pack a bag.

When they arrived at the hospital, Ryan had a CT scan and it came back clear. They are keeping him in the hospital overnight for observation.

If you recall, Ryan was supposed to go to the zoo in Nashville tomorrow for his field trip. Oh well, maybe they can still meet the rest of the class at the zoo.

Elizabeth is with a family at Ft. Campbell for the night and I will be checking in on her soon.

Andrea told me earlier that Ryan had fallen three or four times before he ever went to school. Once again she expressed their fear because he is sleeping so much and isn't as hungry most days. She said today his left side seems weak and his eye is droopy. Ryan has been seeing the angels more and has been talking to Ja and Pom more the last few days. Remember Ja and Pom are his angels.

Hopefully Dr. K can put their fears to rest by telling them it is the bronchitis or the medicine causing him to be this way. We can only hope and pray. We have seen so many others travel this road that sometimes every bump in the road causes us to catch our breath and wonder what the cause is. We haven't given up on Ryan and we know that God performs miracles. We know that as long as there is life there is hope. But, as I said before, we have seen so many other families with such strong amazing faith follow this road, oh well, you get the picture.

Please leave Ryan hugs and PLEASE, PLEASE sign the guestbook. Ryan loves to read his email. He cracks us up when he says he needs to check his email and write his letters to everyone.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and all of the other caringbridge kids. Pray for all of the caring bridge families, for Mary Lou, and for our friend Carolyn.

God Bless You All.

Keep Beelieving in miracles!!

Nana Sherry

Tuesday, May 17, 2005 9:19 PM CDT

****************************************
I just wanted to let everyone know that Ryan took a pretty hard fall at school today and apparently hit his head really hard. The school nurse took him in her office, put ice on his head, and called his Mom and Dad. He was a bit lethargic after the fall and his pupils were dialated. So, Andrea and Phillip called Dr. K and he wants Ryan in Nashville. He also told them to pack a bag as he would probably keep him overnight for observation.

Andrea and Phillip are doing really well with all of this. They are concerned because this was the third or fourth time Ryan fell today. They said he appears to have weakness in his left arm and is having trouble talking. He hasn't had much of an appetite today even before the fall.

Elizabeth is staying with a family at Ft. Campbell.

I will keep everyone posted as they call me and give me updates on what the dr. says.

Please pray for our special little buddy. I talked to him on the phone and he didn't sound very good.

Thanks for your prayers and please sign the guestbook.

Nana
****************************************

Not a whole lot to report today.

Ryan went to school seemed to have had a good day. But came home and once again fell asleep right away. Slept for a few hours and then was outside playing. He is now so tired that he can barely keep his eyes open. He is going to sleep with mom in the big bed tonight. We will now have some room to stretch out a bit more, that twin size bed just doesn't cut it most nights. He is still a bit snotty and coughing minimal, so his cold seems to be getting better. Elizabeth is looking a little bit better, but her eyes are still so gunky. She has been sleeping a lot these last few days also. You would think with the kids sleeping the way they are right now, mom and dad would get some sleep, but no way it is still sleep deprivation for us.

Today is 14 months from diagnosis. We weren't sure what this time of year was going to bring us, but it brought us joy and happiness. We are very lucky and blessed to have our little boy with us today and everyday.

Thursday is one year post radiation. Ryan is also going on a field trip to the zoo. Phillip and I couldn't decide who got to go with him, because we both wanted to go so badly, so we are both going to chaperone. We haven't found a babysitter for Elizabeth yet.

Julie again thank you so much. Talking with you this evening made me feel so much better. I thank you for taking the time out of your day to talk with me about Ryan and just cancer in general. It amazes me each and every time I talk to you of how strong of a women, mother, and friend you are to all of us. I see why your children are so amazing it is because of the leader they had to follow. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Please pray for Kaidrie and her family. Her site is now open again, so everyone can go by and visit, sign the guestbook to let them know you are praying for them. Please pray for our other caringbridge friends and family.

Please pray for our dear sweet Ryan boy! Don't forget to sign the guestbook and give him some more hugs. He is all about those hugs.

God Bless!
Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, May 16, 2005 8:33 PM CDT

Ryan went back to school today after being gone for a week. I bet Ms. Sharon sure missed him. He sure missed her. He was really glad to go back.

When he came home he took a nap then played, played, played. I do have to tell you all something, he has been sleeping an awful lot more lately and his speech has gotten worse it seems more now the last few days. I know what some of you are thinking, oh no this is the beginning of the end. He is starting to become symptomatic. We have seen this so many times and this is usually how it all starts. But we have FAITH, God can still perform his miracle on Ryan. We are not going to give up on that Faith because that is all we have to go on sometimes. I don't know if it is denial or just plain craziness, but it is all going to be okay. I think the speech problem could be from his cold, I know when I am as stopped up as he is I am hard to understand. Sleeping more could all be apart of the cold and the cold medicine, also the chemo. The chemo is not affecting his quality of life any, just because he is sleeping a bit more. But, he does take a nap a day for the last week.

Tomorrow is 14 months from diagnosis. Thursday is one year since radiation.

Ryan will have his last soccer game on Saturday, but tomorrow we are going to sign him up for swimming lessons. He is going to love it.

Please continue to pray for Ryan. Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and family.

Don't forget to let us know you stopped by, sign the guestbook! Ryan's looks forward to those hugs everyday, so drop him a few online.

God Bless!
Love to all,
Andrea

Sunday, May 15, 2005 10:24 PM CDT

What a day! What a day!

First, it started off kind of rocky, crabby people. But then we decided to get out of the house for the day because it was so beautiful. We went to the Flea Market in Hopkinsville. Of course, Ryan wanted everything he saw. He got binoculours and a new movie. We were done there and decided to go and find something else to do outside. We went to the pond at Dunbar Cave and fed the ducks. I believe that was the first time Ryan has ever done that and he was quite upset when we ran out of bread. I told him we could come back anytime. We decided then to go on a nature walk on one of the trails at the park. What we didn't realize is the trail is 2 miles long and mostly uphill? Oh boy were we tired. Ryan couldn't hardly walk by the time we got back to the car. Elizabeth was enjoying herself, in her backpack thing bothering daddy. We came home and the two kids and I took a nap. We were worn out. I think Phillip enjoyed the peace and quiet. So that was our afternoon.

I have story to tell you! Our garbage disposal was clogged this evening, so Phillip was fixing it. He was using the hose for one reason or another. Ryan was being a smart pants, just kidding around and Phillip told him that if he didn't stop he was going to spray him. Phillip didn't, he turned back around and went into the kitchen. Ryan started making sounds like a chicken, I asked if he was calling daddy a chicken, he said yes. Well it was about 3 seconds later and Ryan was all wet. Phillip was standing in the entranceway and Ryan was sitting on the couch in the living room. He sprayed him while he was on the couch, I started laughing and then guess what I got sprayed. I was on the other couch. I can only imagine the looks on our faces were priceless. I sure wasn't expecting it. Well, then Ryan had to retaliate and get daddy wet. I tell you what it is never a dull moment around here.

Ryan's cold is getting better, his snotty nose is gone and his cough is minimal. Elizabeth on the other hand seems to be getting worse. Both of her eyes are gunky now. And she is coughing worse, and her nose is more runny. She is drinking but not as much as usual and is wetting to many diapers. So, we are watching her for dehydration. But for the most part she is still happy and ready for anything. She has a big birthday coming up May 23rd! She will be one! Can you believe it? I know I sure can't, where has the time gone!?!

Please continue to pray for Ryan. Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and family.

Don't forget to sign the guestbook to let us know you stopped by to check up. Ryan loves to have the entries read to him at night. It is like his bedtime story. Also, he says he needs more hugs! So drop him a few hugs to while you are checking in on him.

Check the journal from yesterday to see Ryan's letter and conversation with the angels.

God Bless!
Love to all,
Andrea

Saturday, May 14, 2005 9:55 PM CDT

Ryan had a soccer game this morning. It was very wet and rained on us, a bit. But he played and played the whole game. He was very good and at the end said Mommy I love soccer! I want to play again and again.

In the afternoon it had been raining and not much to do around here, so we went to see a movie. Kicking and Screaming was so funny, and Ryan loved it. Of course, it was a soccer movie.

But when we got home he was very tired and crabby, so I made him do quiet time. He didn't want to, but I think he was asleep within five minutes and slept about 3 or more hours. Since he has been up he has been full of energy, and is currently bugging daddy and giggling. So, the nap did him good. I think he is sleeping off his cold. It seems to be a lot better today, so does Elizabeth's. She has slept most of the day. She has been awake long enough to go to Ryan's soccer game this morning. She stayed at the neighbors while we went to the movies, and she fell asleep sitting up. The cold is wearing her out.

Ryan wrote a letter to the angels. I am going to post his letter and then let you all know what it says.

Ryanbromnjrtkhcbyt,iiiiiitutu
9tu4ujtu8u58uut86789ujij94u94
uifjfkejhrunfjhruuehnjkheuhu
hueeeeeeee487ru4u78jifjriu
475uroii8888884rij8390822221882
u8888882727yewgydt6yr387484yuyuy887
4887ru77juhnjyhfuy8hfuiyhuyhdjy83974y
ehjdeghyh7u7u877yhuyu6y701frhghfhyj
yufjujiyhfhujhyeiuyijiiiuoupiiiiiiiii[piwhuehuhj.kl;jhvgvbjguhtuhurhuir
yhutrhutyhruyfhrjyhnguhnjyghntuuythg
uyhuyt77yhguiyhugyhugtyhythuhuyry7uty
uytytyy7hhtut5utio7r89it7ur8oiy7tfu
i6ryui6y8ty7
Hfufyruyturyhtuiuiugjtu gry gfygrytgyfgygfufytytgrueyguytegyu
r6tgeu5t4gulhyiu5u8u5uh988888123456
78901112oufoiudiourt8u09587u879687u8
5iyt8u66y8y78tu59y89iut89iu5896t57u
t857u7ut7u7ujri7yhuy6yhuyrkll;kotl;
i5tkouitlujtko8ujoi8tkpp5o8ik,tpooik
itko5i6876u87uikhtuihtiy6u8576utuhyhu
y968ui698u87uiurj94iujruuiujeiou4339
7u8u8ur7uit8888597uirut89ii7ujki7uu7
uuiru8uj84u8ujryu44y8975ujiiuyji7uj4
u87uhr7yhu8ythiyjiryjiurjiyurjuyujr
uyhjuuyhruyhuthyutghutyheyhuryheuiyh
ryehuryhjuyhruthryhjhetgrhjfuthnrthy
rhgygtgyfgygrygyrgyrgyygeyyytertggyf
gyyrrrrretttttygywtdgwgydywfdtfwtywe
rtwftedftftrdf zvbffguhufyhuetgye7yt7et63t4tgyet6r
5t64tgyutg4786t7tgu7thdytyutr54t674
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Hi angels! I am Ryan Brown. Will you come to my house, knock on my door and take me to your house? Just to visit and see what it looks like not to stay forever. I want to stay with mommy, daddy, and sissy forever. Write Miki's name and my name. Muscles going camping with me outside. And Buzz too. And daddy's wrestling with me and I am buzzing.
Bye! I love you!
Ryan

He says his angels names are Ja and Pom, they are boy angels. They come and see him at night in his room. Angels said we see our family, and he doesn't have to cry anymore. They talk about colors, crayons and homework. They talk about pictures, ones with him, mommy, and daddy, not sissy, just us three. They said his headaches are bad, not good, but are gone forever. They said the he was going to be with us very much.

Anyways, I thought you would all like to know his letter and his conversation with the angels. I know it may not make a lot of sense but it is coming from a 4 year old.

I have a request of everyone, if you know anything about webpages please let me know. I am want to put different backgrounds and just try different things with it. Email me.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and our caringbridge friends and family. Please continue to pray for Kaidrie.

Don't forget to sign the guestbook, Ryan loves to read those entries. Also, he loves to get hugs too!

God Bless!
Love to all,
Andrea

Thursday, May 12, 2005 8:33 PM CDT

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UPDATE!
May 13, 2005 7:21 P.M.

Ryan and Elizabeth went to the doctor today. Ryan has a sinus infection with a touch of bronchitis. They gave him an antibiotic and said to keep him on the pediacare. Elizabeth has a sinus infection with a secondary infection in her ears and eye. She is on antibiotics and the pediacare.

They have both been laying around and took really long naps this afternoon. But Ryan is up and of course going again, like the energizer bunny.

I just wanted to let you all know how they were doing today and what the doctor said.

Have a good weekend!

*************************************************************

We are back home now! It seemed like it took forever to get here. But, after Ryan started telling us his stories it went by much faster because then he was entertaining us.

I do have to tell you all something! On the way home Ryan said Mom I have to go potty, I said pee, No Mom poop! I said okay but of course we were in between exits so I told him that he was going to have to hold it just for a few minutes. He said, like with my hands. I said no! He said oh well I will sit on my hands so my poop doesn't come out! I started laughing, I then told him that he makes my smile a lot. He was very pleased. But we made it home and he didn't have to hold anything yucky in his hands.

He went today and got his pedicure with Meme. Ryan loves to get his feet done, but when he does he wants his toes painted. He wanted red, but then decided he wanted yellow, so now his toes are red and yellow. Meme's match his too. So they are a pair, and he had sandals on today so if people would look down at his feet they all just kind of looked at us. I said he loves to get pedicures and he is only 4 once. But, to set it all off he wanted his fingernails painted too. I told him clear, well that wasn't good enough. He wanted blue. I said no blue, you can get your toes painted any color you want but you are not getting your fingers painted blue. So I said a color that was not clear but you couldn't really tell that he had anything on. Well, needless to say his fingernails are sky blue. Ryan has red and yellow toes with blue fingernails to set the whole thing off. Daddy about passed out when he saw what we had let him do to himself. But what the heck, it sure made him happy, and that is all that matters. But I think Ryan is going to start getting regular pedicures because he loves them so much and they relax him. I think he deserves a pedicure whenever he wants one especially if it makes him feel better.

But, he and Elizabeth are doing good. I think they have allergies because both of them are stopped up and Elizabeth's eye is getting all gunky. I am going to try and get them into the doctor tomorrow.

Ryan is on his 7 days off. He finished his last dose of round 3 last night. YEEEEEAAAAHHHHH! I am hoping once he gets rid of this cold he will be great! He sure is doing better with the cold than I would especially for as long as it has lasted.

Thank you so much Nadine for calling yesterday. We have been playing phone tag for so long, it was finally nice to hear a voice and have a good talk. Hopefully we can do it again soon. It was wonderful to hear from you, thank you again. Julie I am going to try hard to call you back tomorrow. I am so sorry that I missed your call, you know how I love our chats. They help so much and thank you for being such a great friend.

Please continue to pray for Ryan, pray that this darn cold goes away so he is able to breathe through his nose. He finally learned how to blow his nose. I think that is one of the hardest things to teach a child. Please also pray for our caringbridge friends and family.

God Bless!
Andrea

PS Please sign the guestbook as we read our entries every night before bed. Also, Ryan likes getting hugs so don't forget to give him a few while you are checking in on him.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005 10:32 PM CDT

Hello everyone - Well, another long day for Ryan in Missouri. After being at Rosemary's today, he went to see Mema Pat and Papa Bob. He always has a good time when he is visiting them.

Ryan has an appointment for a pedicure tomorrow. He loves for Nana to do his toenails when I am down in Kentucky. So, Meme is taking him for a real pedicure tomorrow. I will let everyone guess the color he wants on his toenails.

Then, it is back to Kentucky for the Brown family. I love it when they come up to visit and I hate it when they have to go home. I have been with Ryan since Friday and it is going to be hard to let him go. But, we are going into birthday season and we will be seeing alot of each other.

We experienced one of the neatest things today. Cory and Heather invited Amy, Andrea, and me to go with them for a 4D ultrasound. Tony (the big brother) and Tracy (Heather's mom) were with us. We were able to see our baby suck his thumb, wave at Nana, and stick his tongue out at Daddy. It was incredible. I think hearing people call Cory "Dad" had the biggest impact on me.

Please pray for a safe trip back to Kentucky for the Brown family. Pray for Ryan, Kaidrie, and Carolyn Russo. Please pray for all of the caringbridge families.

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!!!

God Bless You All -
Nana Sherry

Tuesday, May 10, 2005 10:03 PM CDT

Hello everyone - Well, another busy day for Ryan. He went to Rosemary's today and had a good time. Daddy surprised him by coming up with Mommy. It was a good surprise for Ryan.

We spent the evening with some friends of mine. Ryan, Phillip, Ron, and Joey went for a long ride on the four wheelers. Then we had a wonderful meal of barbecue and all the fixin's. After we ate everyone went fishing. Ryan caught lots of fish. He caught several crappie and one really BIG catfish. Then he got to see their colt that is only one month old and ride a horse. Ryan and Joey played and played and had a really good time. Thanks alot Ron and Barb, it was a wonderful evening.

Back to Nana's, a bath, and now he is down for the night. Tomorrow he goes back to Rosemary's and Sissy gets to go with him.

Not being with him as much as his Mom and Dad, I really have noticed how tired he gets and how easy. The sun really seems to bother him. But, for the most part he can keep up with the best of them. He sure does enjoy himself.

Please keep Ryan, Kaidrie, and Carolyn in your prayers. Please pray for all of the caring bridge families.

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!

Nana Sherry

Monday, May 9, 2005 10:47 PM CDT

Hello everyone - I don't have alot to report tonight. Ryan had a pretty full day. He was a little disappointed when he found out the pool wouldn't be ready to swim in for about another week. But,he recovered pretty quick when we went to the store and he was able to talk Nana into alot of prizes.

We played outside, we went for walks, went to the park, and went for a bike ride. There were lots of games of chess (played by Ryan's rules). He played computer games and designed monsters for me. We finished off the evening by meeting a very good friend of mine at McDonald's with her son. Ryan and his new friend Cody had a really good time playing. He actually came to me and told me he was ready to come home. When we got home, he just wanted to go to sleep. He ran a little bit of a temperature part of the evening, but it is gone now and he is back asleep.

Please keep Ryan, Kaidrie, and Carolyn Russo in your prayers. Remember to pray for all of the other caring bridge families.

KEEP BEELIEVING IN MIRACLES!!!!!!

God Bless You All,
Nana Sherry

Sunday, May 8, 2005 10:17 PM CDT

Hello everyone - Ryan and I just arrived back in Missouri from Kentucky. He came to stay with Nana for a few days. It was a really long trip, there was a major traffic delay in Illinois. Ryan was very, very tired and the delay didn't help. I experienced first hand the emotion that Andrea and Phillip talk about. The poor little boy was so terribly upset, he cried and cried. But, the entire time he kept saying, "What is my problem?" "I don't know why I am crying, Ijust can't stop." It was definitely heartbreaking.

We had a wonderful Mother's Day. After everyone got out of bed we went out to eat breakfast. Then we had a cook out with Andrea and Phillip's neighbors. Christy and Oscar (the neighbors) have family visiting from Hawaii and Chicago. It was a great food and very interesting company. Once again, Ryan had them all eating out of the palm of his hand.

Please keep Kaidrie and Carolyn in your prayers. Remember to pray for all of the caringbridge families.

PLEASE SIGN THE GUESTBOOK, RYAN LOVES TO HAVE THEM READ TO HIM.

God Bless You All.

Nana

Saturday, May 7, 2005 10:23 PM CDT

Hello from Kentucky - I came down to Kentucky for the weekend to visit and guess what? Ryan is going to hide in my van and go back home with me. WE CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

Since Monday is a holiday (at least in Missouri), we get to have all day Monday to goof off before I go back to work on Tuesday. Then Tuesday Ryan gets to go to Rosemary's and see the kids. Rosemary started taking care of Ryan when he was 6 weeks old and his Mommy was in college. She had him until they moved to Kentucky, so they are always very excited about seeing each other. And, no matter how old he gets, the other kids there will always call him "Baby Ryan".

It was a busy day. First thing this morning Ryan convinced me we needed to go for a walk so he could ride his bike. So, I put Elizabeth in her stoller, Ryan on his bike, and off we went. We saw lots and lots of yard sales so we had to come back home and get Mommy and Daddy.

Ryan had a soccer game and he played like a pro. He had to ask if it was a little soccer game or a big soccer game. He is ready to go back and play with the Steamers again. Next year guys, we will be there to cheer you on and Ryan can see his new buddy. Hi Brett!

Being in the sun at the game really wore Ryan down. He was ready to sit out the fourth quarter and laid down when we got back in the car. But, it didn't take long before he had his second wind.

We finally got rid of Mommy and Daddy for awhile so we could play. Elizabeth took a nap and Ryan played in the pool. Quiet time for Ryan means FOOD!!! All he did the entire time he was supposed to be laying down was eat. But, it is so encouraging for him to still have such a good appetite, Nana couldn't tell him no.

We took another walk this evening and Ryan went to bed tonight without even uttering a sound. He was tired.

Ryan had a doctors appointment on Thursday and it went really well. He did everything Dr. K wanted him to do. He hasn't gained any weight.

Elizabeth has been taking steps every now and then. Tonight we had her walking across the bedroom from me to Andrea. It won't be long and she will be into everything.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers reading this entry. Please pray for the mothers who are without their child, the mothers that are caring for a sick child, and mothers everywhere.

I am asking for special prayers for our friend Carolyn Russo again. Carolyn has had a real roller coaster ride the last few weeks with her health and the doctors changing their diagnosis. Her family moved her to a different hospital and the diagnosis once again is a brain tumor. Carolyn has a great family and her son Mike is very special to all of us. We will be praying for the Russo family.

Please keep Kaidrie and her family in your prayers. She is a very special little girl and is having a very difficult time fighting her tumor right now.

So, in closing - Happy Mother's Day to the three most wonderful mother's in the world. Heather - I am so lucky to have you for a daughter in law. You and Tony have brought so much joy into our lives by being part of our family. We are all so excited about baby Ashton Ryan and can't wait to meet him in August when he arrives. Amy - you are far stronger than you give yourself credit. You are a wonderful mother to Brandon and Brady and have bleesed my life so much. You are a daughter any mother could be proud of and I am. I love you! Andrea - your strength and the way you handle the situation that has been presented to you is something I admire. Ryan is so lucky to have you and Phillip for parents and I am so proud of you. You will always be my baby girl, but you have turned into a strong, beautiful woman. I love you!!

Happy Mother's Day Mom, I miss you.

Nana Sherry

Monday, May 2, 2005 8:30 AM CDT

I first want to start off by sharing a poem with you that was written for Ryan and we received in the mail.

Just a Soccer Ball, That's All

I kicked a soccer ball,
that's all I did,

I kicked a soccer ball,
I'm just a kid.

But with this soccer ball I kicked,
came so much more, you can't depict.

You see to kick this ball I've kicked,
there were several obstacles I had to lick.

So when you see this soccer ball,
flying through the air,
just know I'm a winner,
far beyond compare.

Dedicated to: Ryan From: Chris Carroll

It was one of those things that just touched your heart and meant so much, because to see him run around like those other kids do is just amazing. He is just an amazing little boy that is so brave and courageous.

Ryan has been doing really good. He has this cough and runny nose that just keep hanging on, but with the weather down here it seems just about everyone is sick. But it is getting better, and it hasn't slowed him down a bit.

Last week was a good week, no real surprises and no doctors or needles. YEAH! Friday night Ryan went over to one of our friends house to play and I think they camped out in his bedroom. Mommy and Daddy actually went out without the children. One of our really good friends got out of the Army and moved back home to California, so a bunch of us went out to dinner. We went to a Japanese restaurant, I have never eaten Japanese before so at first I was a little worried, but it was good food and a lot of fun. They cook the food right in front of you and have like a little show as they are doing it. We laughed so hard our stomach muscles hurt, it was one of the best grown up nights we have had in such a long time. Ryan had fun at his campout too, then we went and met Grandma Pat and Papa Bob, they came down for the weekend.

Saturday we were supposed to have a soccer game but since it hasn't stopped raining here for a week, it was needless to say to wet. We went out to lunch and then went to Wal-Mart, came home and spent the rest of the day here.

Sunday we went out to breakfast and then Grandma Pat and Papa Bob had to go home. The afternoon was kind of lazy because we had a cookout to go to later that evening and wanted Ryan to be rested up. We went over to our friends Nate and Kristen's for a cookout, his family was in town from Washington. Ryan was able to ride his 4 wheeler, because that is where we are keeping it now that we have moved on post and can't ride it here. He played tag, hide and go seek, and just ran and played hard. We got home and went straight to the bath tub for both kids and then to bed, but Ryan came in the living room about 9:30 and said, Mommy I really, really, really, REALLY can't sleep! I think I need to stay up! Well, he did get sent back to bed and when mommy and daddy were ready to go to sleep, he wanted both of us to lay down with him, we all tried to lay in his bed but it was just a tad small, but it was fun trying, so we went into our room and Ryan slept with us last night. He doesn't want to lay sleep in our bed very often so we take advantage of it when the occassion arises.

Sorry for such the delay in the update.

Please continue to pray for Ryan. He has a doctors appointment on Thursday, he is still doing chemo, currently on his 3rd round and doing great. He is tolerating it so well, much better than we had expected. As you know the next MRI is June 13th.

Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and family.

God Bless you!

Love to all,
Andrea

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 9:13 PM CDT

Hello everyone!

Andrea and Phillip are once again without the internet. Earthlink needs to hear from as many people as possible about the lousy service they are offering and the outrageous price they charge. Andrea has started calling them "Earthstink".

The weekend was great. Ryan's soccer game was Saturday morning and it was really, really cold. It seems they told me that they didn't play the whole game.

Then the Brown family drove to St. Louis and met the rest of the crew at the Savvis Center where Ryan, Mom, Dad, and the other three boys were whisked off to go down by the soccer field. They were field side while the team warmed up, then they were taken to the locker room to meet the players and get autographs. Then, when the team was ready to be introduced and come out on the field for the national anthem, we looked across the stadium and guess who was standing with them. The goalie, Brett Phillips, was the last player introduced and Ryan was introduced with him. When they came out onto the field all of the other players were lined up and he went down the line slapping their hands. A few of the guys rubbed him on the head. Then he stood out there like a little man during the national anthem. The Steamers were playing for a spot in the play offs and so Ryan's activities had to be cut back a bit. The good news, the Steamers made it to the playoffs. Way to go guys. If you have never seen an MISL soccer game, you need to go. We loved it and the Steamers have increased their fan base by quite a few. Even Aunt Susan is planning on going to another game. We are thinking about getting playoff tickets. Seeing Ryan run out on the field made most of us tear up, that is not unusual for Nana. He was so cute out there with his Steamer's shirt on and his soccer uniform. Thanks to Jan DeLaney and the rest of the Steamer's organization.

Ryan asked me during the game if I saw him when he ran out on the field with his new big buddy. He said they are going to play soccer together soon.

After spending the night at Meme's, we went to City Museum on Sunday. Aunt Susan, Meme, Mike, Brandon, Brady, Uncle Cory, Aunt Heather, Tony, Nana, and the Brown clan were all there to explore the caves, slide down the slides and climb on MonstroCity. City Museum in St. Louis is just the coolest place. They have taken items from old architecture, businesses, and manufacturing facilities and turned it into a place where families can spend the day. There are two sets of man-made caves to explore, two place to see fish, a place to do crafts, a no skate board skateboard park, and much, much more.

We went out to eat and then the Brown's spent the night at Uncle Cory and Aunt Heather's. Oh, by the way, Aunt Heather and her belly are just so cute. We spent the weekend patting her belly and talking to our new baby.

Please pray for our friend Carolyn Russo. Carolyn started getting sick after Christmas and the doctors never really came up with a diagnosis. Over the weekend she started having trouble with weakness in her left leg. Well, the doctors finally did more tests and found that she has a mass on her brain the size of a small lemon. They are going to be doing a biopsy tomorrow.

Ryan's next MRI is June 13th. I am sure we will keep you posted on that date as it gets nearer.

Ryan is doing really good. He has gone to school the last two days and hasn't had any real problems.

Please keep Ryan and all of the caringbridge kids in your prayers. Please say a special prayer for Carolyn. Her husband, children, grandchildren and all who love her are very concerned and appreciate all of the prayers we can send up to God for her.

God Bless You All and remember to give each other big hugs every chance you get.

Nana

Saturday, April 23, 2005 10:16 AM CDT

Hello all!

I just wanted to write and let you all know that we are all doing really good. Ryan has a touch of a cold/allergies but we have been shoving cold medicine down him so it doesn't get any worse, and it is getting better. We are going to be leaving here shortly to go and play soccer, Ryan has a game today. We are going to leave straight from the game to go to St. Louis so Ryan can do pre-game warm ups with the Steamers. I think he will be able to practice with the soccer team and tour the locker room. It will be so cool, I just pray he doesn't become shy and hide behind us and not want to do it. Everyone has worked so hard to do this for him. So, we have two soccer games today!

Tomorrow we will be going to the City Musuem, which is supposed to be really cool and very hands on, I will have to let you all know more about it when we get home because I am not 100% sure what is all there. We will be coming back home after the museum, so it is going to be a short trip this time.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and our family. Please also to continue for our caringbridge family as well. Please also pray for our troops!

God Bless!
Andrea

Thursday, April 21, 2005 1:56 PM CDT

I know you have all been anxiously awaiting the results. The tumor is stable, so we are going to keep things the way they are right now. He is doing good and handling the medicine. Dr. K. is confidant and comfortable with the MRI results and to stay on the meds. The good news is, Ryan only has to have blood work done every 2 weeks now, instead of twice a week and only has to go to the doctor every 2 weeks, so no going to Vandy 2 or 3 times a week. I think we live there sometimes.

So, it wasn't a whole lot to report, just keep in living day to day. Please continue to pray for Ryan and our family. Also, continue to pray for our caringbridge family. They all mean so much to us, and I have not signed guestbooks in awhile but I still check on you. I will get back to those guestbooks ASAP.

God Bless!
Andrea

Wednesday, April 20, 2005 11:31 PM CDT

Well, we are waiting for morning to come so we can get the results of Ryan's MRI. Boy, this is really scary. I remember in June how hard it was to wait for the first MRI after radiation and this is just as bad or worse.

I sit here with my daughter tonight listening to her while she talks about the possibility of losing her baby boy to this horrible tumor. How do you dry those tears? How do you tell her that it will be okay?

Ryan will be playing professional soccer Saturday night with the St. Louis Steamers. Anyone in the area can tune into channel 11, I think the game will be televised. He will be a part of the pre-game show. Ryan will get a tour of the locker room and meet the team. Thank you Jan Delaney and the rest of the Steamers organization for doing this for Ryan.

Well, I guess I need to get some sleep, we have an early morning tomorrow and a long day.

Please pray for my precious little Buddy and the rest of the family. Pray for the caring bridge kids and for children all over the world.

God Bless You All,

Nana

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 9:01 PM CDT

I made it, I am still here. I feel like 110% better after going to the ER on Thursday. The docs pumped me full of fluid and antibiotics. I felt like a new person on Sunday, Phillip hasn't been able to keep up with me since then. I didn't know how bad I felt until I felt better, but I felt like such a wimp because here I was sick with minor illnesses and I couldn't even get out of bed, then you see these children with illnesses like cancer and go on about their business like nothing is wrong, and do it without a complaint.

Ryan has had his port accesses since Monday, we thought one stick was better than three this week. So, he complains about it a bit but doesn't even know it is there unless someone new comes over that he hasn't seen since he had it accessed and they get to see it even if they don't want too. He has not been on chemo this week, but will start again on Thursday depending on what the MRI results are. We do have an MRI tomorrow at 11:00 am, so please pray extra hard for our buddy. The only thing I have noticed lately is he has been extra emotional and tired. But he wakes up and plays outside until school, then goes to school and comes home to play outside until it is to dark to see. It has been high 70's low 80' here the last week. I think I would be tired if I were him too. I don't even do a 1/4 of what he does and I am exhausted by the end of the day. Phillip and Ryan are going to sleep outside in the backyard with a tent. Ryan just out of the blue asked if they could go camping, so Phillip set up the tent and they are camping. Ryan wanted to air mattress though, he said he wasn't sleeping on the ground.

On Sunday Ryan was so hot and begging to go swimming, so we went to Wal-Mart and bought one of those $10 plastic pools, put it at the bottom of his slide and then hooked the hose at the top of the slide, so Ryan had his very own homemade waterslide. It was something we used to do as a kid all of the time. He thought it was the greatest. After he was all done, we let Jezzabelle out (Black Lab) and had a dog show Ryan said, she was doing all sorts of tricks. On one of the tricks, Phillip threw the ball up onto the platform of the swingset it went down the slide and into the pool, well needless to say Jezzy just jumped right up there and went down the slide and into the pool. Let me tell you this platform is about chest high for Phillip, so she just jumped. Ryan thought that was the coolest thing and wanted to see it again and again. After awhile Jezzy got tired so we had to end the dog show. But I thought I would share our backyard dog show with you.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and our caringbridge friends. Ryan has his MRI tomorrow and the results on Thursday. Phillip and I are having the pre-MRI jitters big time. It certainly doesn't seem like it has been two months already. So please pray for us all, and thank you for the get well prayers they really helped.

God Bless!
Andrea

Thursday, April 14, 2005 9:40 PM CDT

Hello everyone!!

First of all tonight I need to ask for special prayers. A good friend of Andrea and Phillip's was in a car accident in North Carolina. He is in the military and his family is in Missouri. Please remember Bub Carroll and his family in your prayers.

Also, Andrea has been sick this week. She went to the doctor yesterday and she has a urinary tract infection, viral intestinal infection, and a few other things. Well, tonight her temp spiked at 104.5, so she is at the emergency room with Phillip and the kids are at the neighbor's. Please keep Andrea in your prayers.

Ryan is doing good. He told me on the phone tonight that his class at school got a check (check's are not good things) and he told me that "he was so upset". I told him that it is okay if he only gets one check, he said okay and he seemed fine then. Drama, drama, drama.

There really isn't much else to report tonight. Hopefully, Andrea will get the care she needs and can get over her yucky stuff.

Ryan is a featured friend for Audrey's Umbrella this month. For more information on Audrey's Umbrella visit the website for the BrainTrust Organization. It is a good program.

Praying for all of our caring bridge family. Enjoy the spring weather.

Nana

Wednesday, April 13, 2005 9:33 PM CDT

Hello everyone!!

First of all, Andrea and Phillip are once again having trouble with Earthlink and they have no computer. Nana gets to do the journal tonight.

Please pray for Kaidrie and her family.

BIG NEWS!!!! Elizabeth finally has a tooth. Maybe two!!! We were beginning to think for her first birthday we would all go together and get her a set of dentures. But, she now has a tooth.

Ryan is doing really well. He went to school today and had fun. I am sure he had lots of stories to tell them about our trip to Florida. He has quite an imagination to go along with the actual facts.

Remember to pray for his MRI on Wednesday of next week. It is going to be a busy week for him. He goes to the Dr. on Monday, has his MRI on Wednesday, and goes back to the DR. on Thursday. Nana and Papa D will both be down there next week for the MRI and the results appointment.

I know Andrea filled you all in a little on the trip, but I want to tell you it was wonderful. There is no place on earth like Give Kids The World. Everyone there is so incredibly nice and helpful. Then we would go out into the real world and it made it even more difficult to deal with rude people. GKTW is ran mostly by volunteers, so they are there because they want to be and they want to help. It was just great.

Ryan would have been quite content to spend the entire week in the pool (I think he is part fish). But, he was happy when we went to the parks. He enjoyed riding the horses, taking the carriage ride, riding the train, and paying putt putt golf. But, I think his favorite thing to do at the village besides swim was to ride the carousel.

He had a fan club there, but he usually does just about anywhere he goes. The college girls that were volunteering in the "Castle of Miracles" fell in love with him. They drew him pictures and promised to email. I really hope we hear from Amber and Amy.

We played lots of "Rugrats UNO" while we were there and watched the Rugrats movie at least one hundred times. It was wonderful to see him smile so much. He loved being there. Thank you Dream Factory and Give Kids the World for giving Ryan this opportunity. Thank you Andrea and Phillip for taking me along.

Remember to pray for Ryan and the other caring bridge kids.

Love,
Nana

Monday, April 11, 2005 8:43 AM CDT

I know you have been anxiously awaiting the news of our trip. So, hear goes, I will try and make it as short as possible but we will see. You all know me once I get started it is hard to stop.

Sunday the day started off kind of crappy. The limo could not make it on post to pick us up because they did not have the proper paperwork, so we had to go to them and leave our car for an entire week at Gate 4. It was almost 2 hours late, so it was a big rush to get down to Nashville and get on the plane, we were late for preboarding so it was find a seat where you can. It was so full that we couldn't even find a seat to sit with Ryan, but some kind people moved so we were able to put 3 to a row. I sat a few rows up by myself, so Ryan could sit by Nana and Daddy. So we made it to Orlando got all of our luggage then went to get our rental car, they did not have the reservation, even though we had a confirmation number they couldn't find us in the system. It seemed like an eternity of standing there and the rude guy that was working with us finally found it after we threatened to contact his supervisor. We had a few other minor bumps but everything ended up working out okay and we made it. Ryan of course wanted to go swimming as soon as we got there. So we all changed clothes, toured the village and then went swimming.

Monday we went to Sea World. Ryan didn't want to go at first but was really glad that he did once he was there. He was able to feed the dolphins, pet them and get them to do some tricks. We went behind the roped off section and had a lady in the wetsuit helping him. We went and saw the Shamu show. He really liked that but got kind of scared when they came real close and got us all wet. But mainly that was all we did at Sea World, he was really tired. But then we went back and went swimming.

Tuesday Nana, Ryan and Elizabeth stayed at the village all day. Phillip and I spent our anniversary at Universal Studios. It was a wonderful day. We then went to the Midevil Times Dinner Theatre. Ryan really liked it until our yellow guy lost. He didn't like it anymore then. After that Phillip, Ryan and I went to play miniature golf and met a really nice father and son from Scotland. The little boy was 4 and named Ryan. The two Ryan's hit it off great and played together until they had to go back to their hotel and we had to go back to the village.

Wednesday we went to Magic Kingdom. It was a very long day with lots of rides and games. We saw the parade and fireworks. The fireworks were Ryan's favorite part. He rode the Dumbo ride this time because he had his brave rocks that mommy and daddy bought him. They are just some really cool rocks in a bag that are going to help him when he gets scared. They did too. It was very late then we got back so no swimming for us.

Thursday was a lazy day around the village with swimming, miniature golf, train rides, games and much more. We went and played Miniatrure golf and fed the alligators. They had Christmas Eve in the Castle of Miracles, so Ryan sat on Santas lap and got presents, which him and Elizabeth got presents everyday from the volunteers that would pass them out in the mornings.

Friday we went to Animal Kingdom. It was alright, we really only rode the Safari ride and went to the Lion King show. We watched the parade and walked a lot. Of course then we went back to the village and went swimming.

Saturday was a rush to get packed and Ryan wanted to go swimming for the last time before we went home. We had to go to Wal-Mart and buy another bag, even though we brought an extra one to put souviners in, we had all of our suitcases packed full.

It was a week filled with fun, laughter and lots of swimming. It was good to be back home but not so good to have to come back to reality. Ryan had his star put on the ceilling in the castle and had his magic pillow made. He didn't want to come back home because he knew he wouldn't be able to go swimming everyday and that Nana would have to go back home.

We made it all week long without any tragedies or sunburns. Yesterday Ryan was outside playing and what happens, he gets a sunburn. We had sunscreen on and everything. And of course we have a doctors appointment today.

Phillip will be putting up pictures later today or tomorrow. Ryan has a doctors appointment this afternoon. He has his next MRI on April 20 and we have the results appointment on April 21. So, please pray that everything is great and this new chemo is doing what it is supposed to do.

Please continue to pray for Ryan. Please pray for our caringbridge friends and their families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Thursday, April 7, 2005 10:11 AM CDT

Hello everybody!! We are all enjoying ourselfs in Florida!!!! We have gone to The Magic Kingdom Univesal studios Midevil Times dinner theater and played putt putt (of course). It is so awsome down here in Give Kids The World they are so nice. I wish everyone could be as nice as these people here. Ryan is doing great but the sun seems to suck it right out of him so we have to take lots of breacks. Andre and i had our second anniverery down we went to Universal Studis BY OURSELFS. We had good time but missed the kids. I will put lots of pictures up when we get home on Saturday. IF WE COME HOME.

love
dad

Sunday, April 3, 2005 0:05 AM CST

Hello Everyone,

This will be our last journal for awhile. We may be able to do a journal while in Florida.

We are still getting ready, it is so hectic to try and get everything together that you think you will need to go on a long trip like this with two little ones. Elizabeth being so little you never know what you are going to need for a baby. Ryan with being on chemo you just don't know how he is going to react day to day sometimes, so medicine is a trip around here, trying to figure out what to take and what to leave home.

But we are all very excited. Ryan wanted to leave in the Saturday morning, he didn't want to have to wait another day. We told him that he had to wait or we would have to sit in the airport for the whole night because the airplane was sleeping getting ready for the long trip.

Of course, we had to do last minute shopping, haircuts, laundry, packing, and etc. It has been a hectic day and is still going strong. We are going to have to put our bikes in the house in the morning, which I don't think Phillip wrote in the last journal. Ryan wanted to ride bikes, well Phillip and I didn't have one so we couldn't go for a bike ride. We went to Wal-Mart and picked up some inexpensive bikes and a thing for Elizabeth to ride in, Ryan was happy. It wasn't even 24 hours later and Phillip's bike was stolen from in front of our house. He had left for like 15 minutes, the kids and I were still home and the bike was up next to the house along with mine and Ryan's, he came home and it was gone. Our bikes were still there but his bike was gone. So, then Ryan thought since the bad guys took daddy's bike that they were going to take him too. We had to sit down and talk with him and tell him that no one was going to take him from us. He was terribly upset. We went the next day and bought another bike at Toys R Us because they were having an unbelievably huge sale on certain bikes, so we found a better bike for less than the first one, and still haven't seen the other one. The MP's told us that we will probably never see it again, it is lost. So, we are taking extra precautions about keeping those bikes safe and are going to put them in the house. The dogs are at some friends house, it is the previous owners of Jezzabell.

But I am going to get off of here because it is going to be an early morning and a long day with a fun filled week. I feel like the little girl on that Disney World commercial, that says I am to excited to sleep. I know that I need to sleep but I am running on excitement. I can't wait for Ryan to see all of the things to do in Florida and at GKTW. We are excited about meeting some of our friends, face to face finally. It is going to be a wonderful week, and we will write you an update as soon as we can.

Everyone have a wonderful week!!!

Love to all,
Andrea

Wednesday, March 30, 2005 10:03 PM CST

Hi everyone sorry it's been so long since we have done a journal. We have been so busy. Where to start? We got a new dog named Jezabelle she is a full blood Black lab. She is so beautiful. She is about one year old, already huse trained. Jez can sit fetch and do a couple more tricks (when she wants to). Everyone absolutly loves her.
We bought the kids a new swingset for easter it is huge it tokk me and Andrea about two whole days to put it together. It has a slide, rock wall monkey bars club house and three swings. Ryan has to show everyone because he is so proud of it. He tried to help but he just got bored to quick and was ready to play on it as soon as we opened the boxes.
We leave for Florida on Sunday. Ryan doesn't really know we are going so he is going to be excited when we get to the airport. Andrea Nana and I are so excited for him we think he is going to have a blast. We aren't really sure what we are going to do yet but we will figure it out when we get there.
I want to think GOD for letting cousin BJ get home safely fro Iraq. Please contonue to pray for our caringbridge friends and our troops deployed all of the world.

Thank You for the thoughts and prayers,
DAD

******STITCHERS NEEDED FOR RYAN'S LOVE QUILT, PLEASE SIGN ON TO LOVE QUILTS.ORG FOR THE DETAILS**************

Saturday, March 26, 2005 9:50 AM CST

Just a quick journal to catch everyone up on what has been happening in the Brown house. Last weekend was great. We stayed at a hotel and Ryan swam and swam. Gram Bet brought him a wiffle ball and bat, so we played ball in the atrium at the hotel. Mommy played, Nana played, Gram Bet played, Daddy played, and of course Ryan played. We even tried to get Elizabeth to run the bases, but it didn't work very well.

Both of the kids are part amphibian. They swam and swam. Elizabeth likes to lay on her tummy and have someone hold her in the pool as if she were swimming.

The Easter egg hunt on Sunday was so much fun. There were alot of people there that we were all so happy to see. Several of the kids brought their four wheelers. Big kids and little kids had fun with them.

There were so many eggs to hunt that all of the kids had a bunch of eggs and all got lots of prizes. Of course, Ryan had way more eggs than any of the other kids (thanks to Tyler). Just between us, I think Tyler helped hide the eggs and then helped Ryan find them.

The food was wonderful and the company was the best anywhere. Thank you so much Aunt Nae and Uncle A for putting this together for another year. A special thanks to my nephew Gary and his wife Lorri for hosting the event. It was a beautiful and memorable day.

Meme and Brady went home after the Easter egg hunt, but
Uncle Cory, Aunt Heather, Tony, and Brandon came back to the hotel. Brandon spent the night at the hotel with us and swam with Ryan. Mom, Dad,Ryan, and Brandon went swimming while Nana relaxed and put Sissy to sleep.

Ryan started chemo again yesterday, so please pray that this round goes as good as the last round. They got a new dog the other day, but I will let Andrea or Phillip give you the details about that.

Dr. K said Ryan still looks really good and for that we thank God. Thanks to all of you for your prayers for Stacy, my niece and Andrea's cousin. She is back to work and on her way to recovery. Remember the doctors said she would be on oxygen and out of work for 6 - 8 weeks. She bounced back in less than one week after getting out of the hospital.

Please keep Amy's friend Mary Lou in your prayers. She was diagnosed Thursday with a Stage IV Brain Tumor and will have surgery on Tuesday to remove the tumor. Also, Aunt Carla is in the hospital and needs our prayers.

The Brown's are going to an Easter egg hunt this morning and then enjoying a nice relaxing holiday weekend at home. Believe it or not, Nana is not going to be there. I know, hard to believe.

Please keep Ryan, Mary Lou, Aunt Carla and all of the caring bridge friends in your prayers. Remember to hug all of your loved ones every chance you get and tell them how very much you love them.

Happy Easter and God Bless you all.

Nana

Wednesday, March 16, 2005 8:37 PM CST

Oh my goodness! What a day! What an exciting fun day!

Today started off kind of sour. I thought Elizabeth had the chickenpox but couldn't figure out where she would have been exposed. So, I took her to a friend who works in a hospital and she said it wasn't chickenpox but to watch her over the next few days because it may be a virus. I gave her a bath this afternoon and the spots were gone, so I don't know. We did switch to a new detergent and we quit using the dreft, so maybe I will switch back to the dreft.

Ryan went to school and had a lot of fun. He came home and we didn't have much time between then and the big surprise. They had a hard time getting Chuckie into the car so they had to park down the road and walk to the house because the girls had to put him back together after getting out of the car. Phillip and Ryan were playing hide and seek, Ryan was counting and Phillip was supposed to be hiding, but then Chuckie snuck in so when Ryan turned around he was standing right there. A total surprise, for the first time in Ryan's life he was speechless. He had such an expression on his face. We did get it on video but somehow that tape was messed up even though it was a brand new tape and it didn't take, but we will always have that memory etched into our minds. He and Chuckie played soccer in the house, then played Duck Duck Goose (the board game), and then played Trouble. We did get lots of pictures and Elizabeth even went to him, which really surprised us. Chuckie invited Ryan over to his house to play. So off we went to eat pizza and play lots of games. Except to eat Ryan was off and no where in site until he wanted more tokens. I think everyone had a good time. It was amazing the turnout we had it was wonderful to see all of the kids running around and have such a look of joy on their faces. It makes everything all worth it when you see that smile light up their face. Elizabeth was being passed around all night, and she was loving it along with everyone else.

It was one year ago today that we took Ryan to the emergency room for headaches. It was one year ago today that we heard the words your son has a mass on his brain. It was one year ago today that we called our parents and family to tell them, so emotionally what was going on. We did not know what tomorrow was going to bring when he had his MRI. It is the eve of the day that cancer was brought into our lives. I sometimes think our world was shattered, but I don't think like that right now. It was the day our eyes were opened. I certainly wouldn't have chosen this path for son, family, or myself. But obviously GOD has a plan and we are fitting into that plan. Ryan was chosen for a reason. We may never know that reason, but we have seen people turn to GOD and pray for Ryan and go to church, turn their faith around once they have heard his story. He along with so many children have touched lives.

Well, I think that is all for now. Tomorrow we have a doctors appointment in the morning, then school, then soccer practice, and we have to get ready for this weekend. So, busy busy tomorrow. It will be Ryan's last day of chemo and his 1 year anniversary. So, not only will it be busy but very monumental too. It is a BIG day in the Brown household. If I don't update again until after the weekend. I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and all of our caringbridge children and families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 3:21 PM CST

Sorry for the delay in updating.

We had a really fun weekend. Ryan and daddy played miniature golf on Saturday while sissy and I tagged along. He had his soccer pictures taken. That was about the extent of our day and Sunday was just a lazy day. Oh, Friday night Phillip and Ryan went and saw Robots. They said it was so funny.

Yesterday was a doctors appointment. Dr. K said Ryan looks good and everything seems to be going well. He is still, walking, talking, balancing, etc. okay. No more problems since the vomiting a couple of weeks ago. Thank goodness!

But, I have something very important to tell all of you. We are going to have a special visitor on Wednesday at 4:00pm, it is a surprise for Ryan. Chuck E Cheese is coming to our house. Isn't that so cool!!!! Then at 6:00pm we are going to have a big party for Ryan's one year anniversary. Some friends here at Ft. Campbell are going to be there and the entire soccer team. Ryan says he is having a party but he doesn't know when or where. So Wednesday is going to be a busy day. Phillip and I are so excited we can hardly contain ourselves. I will definitely let you all know how things go, and hopefully have Phillip post some pictures that night.

Thursday is another doctors appointment. It will also be the last day of this round of chemo. YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH! He has made it through his first round, which was the one they were so worried about.

On the same day Thursday March 18th will be Ryan's one year anniversary. Oh my goodness and I am just overwhelmed with emotion. Love and Gratefulness are two of them. This time last year we had absolutely no idea where we would be in a year. It has been a busy year, and it went by so fast. It honestly doesn't seem to be a year already, but are we ever glad to have that year behind us now. I will try and update on Wednesday night or Thursday to let you all know how we do on his anniversary date.

Thank you everyone for your conitnued love, support and especially prayers for our family. Please continue to pray for Ryan and the our caringbridge friends and their families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Thursday, March 10, 2005 10:08 AM CST

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UPDATE! 11:11 am 3/10/05
My cousin Stacy James, she does Ryan's other website and the friends page and has done so much to help out our family. She has been in the hospital since last Tuesday and was in intensive care. They have no idea what is wrong. She is now out of intensive care but will be in the hospital for at least another week. She will be recovering for another 6 to 8 weeks, on oxygen at home. Please pray that the doctors are able to find out why she is unable to breath unassisted. Pray she gets well soon and can go home to her children. I will keep everyone updated as far as her progress, please pray for her health.
---------------------------------------
First of all, I am asking that everyone go and sign Rayanne's guestbook. She had a long hard fight, and earned her angel wings on Tuesday evening. Her family and friends could use words of support and the extra prayers.

Ryan has been doing really well, going and going and going. Kind of like the energizer bunny. He has gone to school everyday this week. He has his very first soccer practice tonight. As far as his speech and balance, they were both giving us concern last week. They are both back to normal, he seems to be back at 100 Ryan went to the doctor today and Dr. K said Ryan looked great. He weighs 55.7 pounds and is 3 feet 8 inches tall. He has gained almost 10 pounds on this new chemo. Which I take as a good thing because he is still getting all of his nutrition and the chemo is not getting him down. Since, the virus his color has been good and his eyes aren't nearly as dark. A gentleman in the clinic today was there with his son you had down's syndrome. They were just getting counts done. He said he felt so sorry for all of these cancer patients because they just looked so miserable and the color they had was very pale. Phillip said, my son has cancer. The guy couldn't believe it because Ryan looks so good. No one can ever tell he is sick until we tell them. He just looks so healthy and plays, has so much energy.

We have been playing games over and over again. He has fallen in love with Nick Jr.'s website, he loves to play the games on there. He likes bowling with Max and Ruby and dress-up with them also. He makes Oswald lunch and plays soccer with Dora. It is a very good site to go to for games. He has been writing emails and most of them look like they should be a book. I guess he takes after his mom. He has a new favorite game and it is I Spy. He is pretty good at it too.

Elizabeth is getting so big. I don't know if I have told you yet, but she stands up all by herself now. She walks really well with the furniture. We are trying to get her to drink out of a sippy cup. I think that is going to be the biggest challenge. She feeds herself cereal, but still doesn't have any teeth. It is the kind of cereal that gets mushy right as she puts it in her mouth. She looks like she is going to take off walking anyday now, she wants to catch Ryan so bad some days. She crawls up to the cat and attacks him, she won't let go no matter how hard the cat tries to get away. When Elizabeth is up now, the animals are no where to be found because they don't want to be attacked.

Phillip and I are doing okay. I have been down the last couple of days with that virus that is going around. It really stinks and I have been hoping the kids won't get it, because I don't want either one of them to get it. Phillip has pretty much just been working and by the time he gets home it is dinnertime, then it is time to get the kids ready for bed.

Please continue to pray for Ryan. Please also continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and their families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, March 7, 2005 10:37 PM CST

Hello everybody not much to update. We went and had our Easter pictures taken after Ryan got out of school today. Last weekend we went to Nashville and stayed in a hotel so Ryan and ELizabeth could go swimming. He had a blast in the pool. Ryan got a new pair of "fast shoes". He has his first soccer practice on thursday and soccer pictures on saterday. Please contuine to pray for ryan and our caringbridge friends.

Thanks
dad

Friday, March 4, 2005 11:07 PM CST

Hello all WE HAVE NEW PICTURES! I know everyone has been waiting to see some new pictures. Ryan has been doing very well the past couple of days. He went to school today and he said he had fun. Everyone was happy to see him. He got a new video game system called V Smile. He loves that thing. Thank You Aunt Susan for buying it for him. He was so excited when he got his new cool pillow from Devin and his new sponge bob blanket from Coach Slate and Christene. I just want to think everyone for the thought and prayers.

God Bless You All,
dad

Wednesday, March 2, 2005 8:38 AM CST

Hello all,

Sorry we didn't update last night. It was so hectic after we made it home and we all went to bed early.

We did make it home last night about 6. Some very nice ladies brought by food for us to have dinner and not have to worry about cooking, it was very good too. Ryan was very hyper and just acting like his usual self.

The MRI yesterday didn't show anything new. It looked the same as it did the last time. I was actually hoping it might look better, wishful thinking, I guess. So, since he hasn't been sick since Sunday night, they don't think it was the chemo, they think it was a virus because he has been exposed to a few people with a stomach bug. But they wanted to run all of those tests to be on the safe side.

This morning he is kind of lazy and not full of a whole lot of energy. He doesn't really want to eat anything, but hopefully he will feel better soon.

Thank you all so much for your guestbook entries, support, love, and prayers. It makes us feel stronger to know that we have so many people out there to lift us up.

Please continue to pray for Ryan, that this chemo is the key to his cure and it doesn't make him sick. Please continue to pray for all of our caringbridge friends and their families.

God Bless You!
Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, March 1, 2005 11:04 AM CST

Hello all, Ryan just got done with his MRI and he did excellent. Once again we are in the room watch Freaky Friday for the 50th time in the past two days. Lastnight we did crafts and colored and put together a puzzle. He slept really well lastnight. If the MRI comes back good we should be able to come home. We are just playing the waiting game. Hopefully we will be home this evening.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

Dad

Monday, February 28, 2005 4:42 AM CST

Well everyone. I have some really crappy news.

We had to take Ryan to the ER tonight. We are now admitted onto the 6th floor. He woke up in the middle of the night and threw up more than I have ever seen a child throw up. He was very disoriented when he got out of bed like he didn't know where he was and you couldn't understand a word he was saying. He had very wobbly legs and then afterwards was very lathargic.

They have taken lots of blood for a full work up. They did a test to see if he has the flu and it was negative. We are going to do another MRI today sometime to see what is going on in his little head.

I don't have a lot of information for you but I wanted to let you all know, so you could pray he is okay. Pray that it is not tumor related, which is very, very, possible at this point in the game. It is very scary, but all of us are holding up very well.

I will update as soon as I get some new information.

Please pray for our special little boy.

Love to you all,
Andrea

Hi, It is 2:02pm and I have an update from the hospital. Ryan had two CAT scans this morning. He had a redular one and then one with the dye. He did great. They told him before they started that he had to lay real still and he did just that.

Dr. K. said the CAT scans looked good. He was looking for an anuerysm, bleeding on the brain around the tumor, or a few other things. He found none of those. They are going to do an MRI tomorrow morning at 8:00am (give or take four hours according to Phillip). So, Ryan will be in the hospital at least for tonight and most of tomorrow.

He is in isolation. He is feeling better. He ate a little bit, but mostly is laying around. He doesn't want to do anything and doesn't want anyone bothering him.

I am at Ft. Campbell to take care of Elizabeth and Aunt Susan came to take care of me. So, that is the latest update and I will keep any new developments posted.

Love,
Nana

Friday, February 25, 2005 9:38 AM CST

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This is Ryan's message for Today.

Brandon Hi Can you come play with me? Sure Ryan. Send everyone presents. I might get them an x, which is good in Ryan's book. I slept fine last day. The doctor said new medicine. I took my new medicine this morning. It made me feel fine. I had a headache last day and this morning, but it is all gone. I am going to school today. I am going to have lots of fun. Brandon and Brady come to my house. (RMG girls) Hotel girls I left my motorcycle there and we can't find it. I had fun with you yesterday. I was going to open a lot of things there and bring our tv. Send them chocolate milk, a game too, alot of games and a watch. Amy you are a stinker!! Send them a puppy like place. Thank you to nana and to Amy at hotel and mommy and Miki and me too. Flying my airplane up in the sky. I love you everybody. I am coloring pictures for everybody. They are all on my refrigerator. Okay that's it.
Bye, Ryan

Now it is mommy's turn. I hope you can make sense of all of that up there. He wanted to type everyone an email.

The doctor's appointment went well yesterday. He wasn't all to happy about having to get blood drawn again, because it was the second time this week. But we were in and out. We had to sign some papers and talk a bit with the doctor about what the weeks ahead might bring, but since it is a study no one is really sure. We had to wait forever to get the medicine though. Ryan and Elizabeth rode around in a wagon, all over the second floor of the hospital. We then had to stop by the hotel (RMH), we can't stop in Nashville without going to see our girls. They are such wonderful people and we love them so very much.

Meme, Brandon, and Mike are coming down tonight for the weekend, Brady can't because he is really sick. We don't want Ryan getting sick so he is staying at daddy's house for the weekend. Ryan is so excited, it has been awhile since he has seen Brandon or Meme. It is all he talks about, Brandon and Brady coming to see him. He then wants to go to their house then to Nana's, but I don't know how much mom and dad are going to let him out of their sight or go to far away.

He is trying to convince us to let him stay home again, because he had a headache last night and this morning. We of course aren't sure what are causing these headaches, lets just pray it isn't tumor growth. Headaches are what started this whole thing in the first place. But he is running around and jumping, playing with the dog, so I don't think they are to terribly bad. He did have his pillow on his head last nigh, you can heat it up in the microwave and the scents and warmth make you feel better. It is an aromatherapy pillow. He loves it when he doesn't feel good.

Ryan started his new chemotherapy this morning. He is on 300 mg a day. He takes 150 mg in the morning and a 150 mg at night, so unfortunately he has to take it twice a day. But he took it like a champ and so far so good. He about choked on his cereal this morning but that could have been the four big bites he put in his mouth all at once, I think I would choke too.

I just thought I would write a quick journal, which it turned out pretty long. I don't know if I will do any over the weekend since we will have company.

Please continue to pray for Ryan. Keep Beelieving and Stay Strong! Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and their families.

God Bless You!
Love to all,
Andrea

Wednesday, February 23, 2005 8:08 PM CST

Hello All!

Ryan has been lazy, lazy these last couple of days. Yesterday he was kind of blah. It was very relaxing, just laying around watching movies and cartoons. We colored a bit and he played with his hot wheels cars. Today he said he didn't want to go to school again because he just didn't want too. So, we kept him home and he had more energy than yesterday so it was quite as relaxing but still a very good day. He fell asleep on daddy's lap tonight just a few minutes ago.

He is going to the doctor tomorrow. It is just a check up and to get started on the new medicine. Hopefully they were able to order it and it came in on time. We are so nervous about it because of course, we don't know how he is going to react and if he is going to be sick or not. We are praying he handles it as well as he has everything else. We are also praying this is his key to living a full life. We have stopped the Protocel for now, but we are starting it back up again next week. Hopefully, the combination will kick this thing in the butt! Send it packing!

Let's see I have a few funny Ryan stories for you. Today, once again Earthlink is pulling things again. They charged us for this month when they told me they wouldn't, so I called them. Once again they had me very upset, and with everything going on right now I didn't want to have to put up with them today. Ryan came over and started patting me on the back and just looked disgusted. After I got off of the phone he asked who it was? I told him no one. He then asked if it was daddy? I said no it wasn't daddy. So he asked if it was the money guy? I said yes it was the money guy. He said well mommy I will give you all of my money and go and whoop him up (Earthlink). I said I was calling daddy, so he said daddy would whool them up and he would help. They would take care of it. He is so protective and certainly hates to see mommy or anyone for that matter upset.

Thank you everyone for your guestbook entries, emails, phone calls, and visits over the last year but especially this last week. Please, please continue to sign the guestbook, Ryan loves to see that people have sent him email as he calls it. Because then he gets on the computer and writes and email back, but it is just letters. If he was awake I would let him do the journal because he does so much better than I do.

Please pray for Ryan. He is so special and such a sweetheart. He is our little boy and our hero. He has changed so many lives for the better, including mine. Please also pray for our caringbridge friends and their families. They would all love for you to stop by and sign their guestbooks also.

God Bless!
Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, February 22, 2005 7:23 AM CST

Hello All. Yesterday was a loooonnnggg day for all of us. Ryan did so good though. He never really whinned or cried. On the way down to the hospital he asked us if the doctors were going to give him white milk (sleepy medicine). We think he might like that stuff a little to much because befor we went home he asked if he could have more white milk. He is so funny. The MRI went well. While we were waiting for the our turn in the MRI went for a walk. We went to the fish pond so he could make wishes. His first wish was to play soccer, his second was to play baseball,his third was to have a red squish pillow like his yellow one, and his last was to kiss nana when they got married. We had an optomologist appt. yesterday also. That went well they said they had no real concerns with his vision. We have to go back down to Vandy on Thursday and will probably start the medicine then. Please keep praying for Ryan and our Caringbridge friends.

Thank You and KEEP BEELIEVING
DAD

Saturday, February 19, 2005 2:21 AM CST

Little Man
By Daddy
You've come to us so perfect, bringing joy we never knew,
Watching all the adorable things that you always do.
You truly are an Angel, we just can't see your wings,
But what else could explain the way that nature sings.
You'll never know how happy you've made your mommy and me,
The most precious gift from God, our little Angel Ryan,
We'll raise you right, we'll try our very best,
And leave it up to fate to do all of the rest.
It seems as if I'm dreaming every time I hold you near,
Every time I hear you cry as I wipe each little tear.
An Angel from above, perfect in ever way,
Touching both our hearts every single day.
Mommy loves you, and Daddy does too,
You'll always be our little man, no matter what you do.
There's so much anticipation to watch you as you grow,
To teach you right and wrong and all things you need to know,
Mommy and Daddy will always be there,
To kiss you goodnight, and push away all your fears.
You came to us so perfect from heaven up above,
To be our little man, Ryan Brown.

Hello everyone it's been a long time since i have done one of these. Today was a great day! We all played baseball out in the backyard. Ryan is going to be a great baseball player. He can hit the ball pretty far for his age and man he can throw better than Nolan Ryan. I was so happy to be able to play with him today. He is still pretty craby and whinny at times but i don't blame him and in my opinion he has that right. I'm dreding the doctors appt. on monday. I think it is going to be hard on all of us. Ecspecially Ryan! He is the pretty tough,so i think he will do just fine. Please send all your love and prayers cause our family can sure use them, right about now. Thank you for every thing and keep us in your prayers

*****Please Keep Cpt Daniel Gade in your prayers. He is a soldier that got wounded in Iraq. He has a beautiful wife and a daughter that need our prayers. So please keep his family in ming when saying your prayers. His caringbridge web site is
http://www.caringbridge.org/dc/danielgade/

Thank you and GOd bless each and everyone of one of you!
Daddy

Thursday, February 17, 2005 3:32 PM CST

ryan idkudij8wsyhu6thg6suokkk.29-it8zud8843i9o99joijyhdhgdeudyfyhyg ryanuhujnrrrrrrryanuhzhshiuyxhuyhhSJ82RRiksooskzoiejwi-=ok9029i0oxko89i88iihbh7eik8suhudgtxgsghhdydtstydet5rfdzzcnxnfgjnvjn nvhuhuggugvuyhfvhvhfhvfu gdyfgyuuhjjju7djjuyfyr6

Thanks for stopping by to check on me, please sign the guestbook. It makes me feel good to know you were here.
Ryan

Now, to end the suspense that everyone has been under today. We went to see Dr. Kuttesch this morning. One view of the tumor shows a growth of 3mm since November. Another view doesn't show any growth in the area, but the area has changed.

Dr. said it is definitely disease progression, but it is marching slowly. Ryan is off of the Temodor and is currently off of the Protocel. He will be starting a Phase II study with a chemo drug called Zanestra. Dr. Kuttesch was real upbeat about all of this even though it wasn't the best news, there is still hope.

Ryan will now be going to the doctor once a week at least the first month. He will be taking the medication 21 days and off 7 days. He will take it orally and can have it at home. The most common side effects are those of any other chemo drug.

Ryan is still not showing any major symptoms of tumor growth. We realize some of the changes can be slow and subtle, but still have not noticed any significant changes. He is still growing taller and gaining weight.

We stopped by Ronald McDonald House so Ryan could see Amy (his girlfriend). They had to play for a little while and then Kaye took him downstairs and he came back upstairs with a bag full of goodies. We can't make a trip to Nashville without going by RMH. Where would we be without them?

If you are in the Ft.Campbell area, don't forget to watch the RMH telethon the weekend of March 19 and 20. Ryan is one of the featured kids. If you are in the St. Louis area, WIL (a country radia station) is having their St. Jude's telethon and the DJ said he was going to read Ryan's story tomorrow morning between 5:00am and 10:00am. Please support Cornbread and the work he is doing for St. Jude's. Ryan may even be on the radio.

Please keep Ryan, Andrea, Phillip, and Elizabeth in your prayers as they start a new phase of this journey. Remember all of the caring bridge kids in your prayers.

By the way, Ryan wrote the message at the top of the page. My typing isn't quite that bad. Well, most of the time it isn't. God Bless All of You. Thanks for stopping by and please sign the guestbook.

KEEP BEELIEVING!!!!

Nana Sherry

Wednesday, February 16, 2005 5:23 PM CST

Well, I called the doctor this afternoon in curiosty as if we should start chemo tonight or wait. Because I didn't want to start tonight if he didn't want us too. We did the results back over the phone.

My stomach is in complete knots right now. He is showing slight growth, it is not a huge change but it is a noticeable change. You could tell he didn't want to tell me at all, especially over the phone but I am the million question mom so he knew that as soon as he told me not to start chemo I would ask Why? I didn't have the chance before he told me. I didn't know what to say or do, I was shaking so hard. He asked if I was okay, like an idiot I said yes, then I took a second and said no not really. He wanted to make sure that someone was here with me. He did make sure from other hospitals what they were providing as far as treatment, Vanderbilt is doing more with this stupid thing than any of the other hospitals. So we are in the best possible place right now. It makes us feel better, slightly.

You know, every MRI I had prepared myself for the absolute worst. But this one was different, I just knew something was wrong. He hasn't been symptomatic or anything, guess you could call it mothers intuition. But deep down inside I knew something wasn't right.

My dad was here, Thank the Good Lord! We are going down tomorrow to see the doctor and talk about possible treatments. He will then show us the scans and talk to us about them. So, it is going to be a really rough night.

Please pray for my baby boy. He needs you now more than ever before, I do know there is always hope and we are not giving up. We didn't even think he would make it 11 months, so who knows what the future will bring.
Keep BEElieving!!!

Love to all of you,
Andrea

Tuesday, February 15, 2005 7:39 PM CST

The MRI went well today. He was wonderful as usual, but what happened to him wasn't so wonderful. They had to access his port to sedate him for the MRI. The first lady that tried to access it, it was her first time every doing one. She wasn't holding it and kind of poking at it, well of course it moved and she missed the sylcone and hit the metal ring around it. So, the nurse that was supervising her tried, well she was doing it I don't exactly know what happened to the first one that she put in but it didn't work, so she tried again, but once again instead of holding it in place she had the other nurse try and hold his skin tight and once again it moved on them and they missed the target. They were going to call a fellow in to access the port, but the third nurse that was in there has accessed his before, so I spoke up and said she can do it. Low and behold she held the port in place and 1,2,3, it was in, easy as that. The next time they want somebody to try and do something for the first time, they need to pick a different guinea pig. Ryan had a fit, and rightfully so. He kept telling the second nurse that it hurt, she said no it doesn't you have Emla on, if I have it in right it shouldn't hurt, well then obviously you don't have it in right. He was also trying to move their hands, which of course is a big no-no because of the germs, it has to be sterile, but he was trying to move their hand so he can see and he was having a fit because he wanted to see what they were doing and they wouldn't let him. We have never ever had this much trouble there before and I hope it is the last. His poor little port looks like a pin cushion. But as far as the MRI goes he did wonderful. He slept alittle longer than usual but that was okay by us. When he woke up he was ready to go, we were walking out and he said Does this mean I don't have to get my picture, we told him he already had and he told us that he hadn't. So he doesn't even remember going into the MRI room. I guess after all the comotion with the port he could have cared less about anything else.

He did tell us that he didn't want to go to the big doctor and go in the big donut to have them take pictures of his insides. He is such a mess!

We got home and he went outside to play right away. He played for along time with some of the neighbor boys, he seems to be making friends very quickly, which is good. He came inside and we played a couple of games of war for the fifth time today. It is his favorite game in the world. He is now on the floor coloring a picture for everyone he knows.

We find out our results on Thursday morning at 8:30. Please continue to pray for Ryan and all of the caringbridge children and their families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, February 14, 2005 8:19 PM CST

I hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day. Ryan sure loved it. He had a great time at his party. He came home and was ready for playtime. It was so beautiful here, we played outside for a bit, then walked to the park and walked the long way home. Ryan went outside to play with our new neighbors, they just moved in today. It seems like he can make a friend in no time flat, he meets you and it is instant friendship.

Everything was fine last night and they think it is either a reaction to all of his medicine or a virus and to let it run its course. But we go to Vanderbilt tomorrow and Thursday, so if it would be anything they will find out in the next couple of days.

Tomorrow is the MRI at 12:00. So everyone pray your hardest at noon tomorrow. It is getting so close to the one year anniversary and it is so wonderful that he has done so well, but also a bit scary at the same time. It is only MRI jitters, but for everyone who has traveled down this path knows exactly what I am talking about, no matter how good things are it is still nerve racking and you are thinking of all of the positive things but also preparing yourself, just in case.

Ryan and Elizabeth are both asleep. I love my children so very very much, but they wear me out during the day. Ryan thought I was crazy this morning, he didn't want to carry his bookbag to school, so I put it on my back while we were walking, then I started skipping but it wasn't to long before he joined in, so we skipped to school today, just a little but enough for me to feel the burn in my legs. We sure were getting some funny looks, but I really don't care because it was fun and we were smiling. Having a good ole time. We have been playing war over and over and over and over again and again. The cards certainly look like we play it from the time he wakes up until he goes to school, then when he gets home until he goes to bed. So I was pretty excited to get outside after he got home today, besides we were cooped up in this house all day yesterday because of the rain and we certainly aren't used to that anymore. We are usually outside more than inside lately.

Well, I think I have probably blabbed enough for tonight. Guess who is coming down tomorrow night for a few days, Papa Denny. Ryan is very excited, then Nana and Aunt Nae are coming down Friday for the weekend. Wow what a week for him, ER last night, party today, MRI tomorrow and Papa will be here, Thursday results, papa going home, Friday nana and aunt nae coming down for the weekend and hard telling what they will be up too. He also has chemo closer to the end of the week. Busy, busy busy!!!

Please continue to pray for Ryan and all of the other caringbridge children and their families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Also, Tumbleweed Foundation is starting a new program and it is to help out families that are unable to pay bills, pay for gas to get to doctors, pay for prescriptions, and many other wonderful things. They are hoping to raise enough money to start it really very soon. Please visit their web page at www.tumbleweedfoundation.com. If you are able to donate a few dollars it will help so many people or just go by and check out the children.

Sunday, February 13, 2005 10:44 PM CST

Okay I am going nuts here. I feel like a complete basket case. Ryan's MRI is coming up on Tuesday and though he is not showing any signs of growth and the doctors don't think anything will be different, I am scared to death. I think Ryan is getting sick of me, I keep asking him if he is okay. I hardly let him out of my sight for more than a few minutes, except for when he is at school and Elizabeth and I are so eager to go and pick him up in the afternoon. I have even been sleeping with him in his tiny little bed, but that just means more cuddle time. Everytime I look at him I smile because he is here with us and the doctors never thought it would be, but Ryan is strong and very determined. But sometimes when I look at him I just want to burst into tears, because of everything he has been through and the things he still has to go through. He is such a good little boy. He takes his medicine without complaining even in the middle of the night. He does better with taking his medicine and going to the doctor than I do. Also this week is chemo, only it is going to start on Wednesday or Thursday night depending on what the MRI shows, he might not be on it at all this time, but that is only if it is bad news.

Ryan is currently at the ER with his daddy, it is the one here on post. So, it is not the big doctor as he calls Vanderbilt. Ryan has had a questionable rash/hives on his face since yesterday morning. It was getting better and then it got worse again, so we decided it was time to take him to the doctor and see what they say. I have been pumping him full of benadryl and I am afraid to give him much more before he was seen by a professional. But, this morning it was red and just on the left side of his face, but this evening it was like a purple color and on both sides of his face. But I will let everyone know something as soon as we know something, pray that it is nothing at all.

He is doing really well in school. He has a small Valentine's Party tomorrow and is very excited, because he wants to hand out his Power Ranger cards. He thinks they should all be for him but I told him the other kids would give him one, so he didn't need to keep all of his. Lately, everyday here has been HUG DAY. He wakes up in the morning and asks me if I know what day it is, silly me I say the day of the week and He corrects and says no it is HUG DAY. So, all day long we get lots of hugs and kisses, but only when he isn't mad at us for not letting him get his way all of the time. We are so lucky and blessed to have our two beautiful children here with us.

I do have a story to tell you, sorry Aunt Nae I just had to share it, way to cute to keep it all inside. Ryan and I were laying in bed the other morning and he said mommy I am going to turn 5, then I will turn twelve, then I will turn old like Aunt Nae. He said he is going to grow up and have kids, grandkids, and gray hair. So, that was promising that he is looking way into the future, since children typically have a different insight than adults. But, the story was just so cute and innocent, he was so serious at the same time. I wish I would have gotten it on tape, just his voice and the expression on his face.

Please continue to pray for Ryan, Phillip, Elizabeth, and I. Especially Ryan of course since he is the one that has to go through all of these horrible things because of this dang thing that has invaded his body. He has his MRI Tuesday February 15th 12:00 and the results Thursday February 17th 8:30. Chemo also this week depending on the results of the MRI. Please also pray for our friends and family on caringbridge. Slowly but surely I have been trying to get around to signing all of the guestbooks, but our computer doesn't always want to cooperate with me like I think it should, or should I say the internet, which I am not happy with anyway and you all know why if you read my mom's entry last week.

Have a Happy and Healthy Valentine's Day!!!!!

Rokay, it is 2:16am. Ryan and Phillip are home from the emergency room. They said at Blanchfield that it is a virus and to let it run it's course. Vanderbilt wants to see him tomorrow, but he has an appointment Tuesday. So, the Brown family is getting ready to go to bed. Ryan has his first Valentine's day party tomorrow.

Good night and thanks for the prayers.

Nana

love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, February 8, 2005 9:57 PM CST

Hello everyone!
We are back in action, FINALLY! It feels good to be back, but we have still been having a few glitches so I haven't been able to do a whole lot yet. I tried to check on some of our friends but it showed up with journals from the beginning of January when I know you all have updated since then, so I couldn't check on anyone tonight. I don't even really know how that happened, but it did. You never know with the internet. We sure have been surprised by it. But we are here now.

Ryan is doing really well. He likes his new school. He has been full of energy and vibrant with life. He has been really whiny, but mostly when he doesn't get his way, so it is just being 4. He has been very emotional the last week. I don't know if it has been the weather or what but you look at him funny and he cries, but surprisingly still very happy. I mean don't get me wrong it is not like this all day, it is spurts throughout the day. I think he is getting so tired because he is playing so hard lately. He went to Uncle Corys this last weekend, and had so much fun. They went swimming, ate lots of food, played at the park, had a lot of fun and a lot of laughs. He went to the doctor yesterday and they said everything looks good, we were there long enough to get bloodwork. He has his MRI on February 15 at 12:00, and we will get the results on February 17 at 8:30. They were going to call with the results but if it had been something we weren't expecting they wanted us to come in on Thursday, so we decided that would have been the longest night ever, so we went ahead and made the appointment for either way. They don't think there is any reason to be concerned, but we are coming up on that 1 year mark very quickly. So, we will let everyone know something as soon as we know something and are able to get to the computer. He will also be on chemo next week, but won't be starting until we know the results of the MRI, Dr. Kuttesch wants to see what the scans look like before we start this round. So it is going to be a week next week.

We are doing wonderfully here. Our house is wonderful and we are so much more happy here. Everything seems to be different here. It is much more homey and happy. We are able to go out into our backyard and play, we have a big patio. We have sidewalks, so we are within walking distance of anywhere we need to go. There are so many parks around us that we could go to a different one everyday of the week if we wanted too. So it was the right decision and the best one we could have made at this point. Elizabeth and I walk Ryan back and forth to school on nice days. She likes to get out of the house and into fresh air as much as Ryan and I do. But when daddy gets home, we go play in the backyard, when it is nice outside. We have had a few good days but the rest have been rainy, UGH!!

We had our interview yesterday with RMH. It went very well. It will be on Channel 2 ABC, Nashville, March 20 from 6 to 10, or 8 but it starts at 6. So watch and if you can donate to this wonderful place because it helps out so many people and makes their lives a little bit easier when they are going through such a rough time. I will try to remind everyone again when the time gets closer.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and the sanity of his family the next couple of weeks. Please continue to pray for our caringbridge and family.

Love to all,
Andrea

Sunday, February 6, 2005 1:51 PM CST

Well, the kids still don't have the internet. But, Earthlink has charged them $175.00 for an early termination fee. They didn't terminate, Earthlink just hasn't reconnected their service. Needless to say, I am at this point asking everyone that can to write letters to Earthlink letting them know the importance of the kids having their service and would like to see as many people as can threaten to boycott Earthlink. It is impossible to fight big business by yourself, so maybe we can all fight it together.

It isn't like parents dealing with a childs illness isn't dealing with enough, they have to fight the world. Well, for all of you out there, you are no fighting alone. Let me know when I can help with a letter writing or phone calling campaign and I will be there.

Wednesday, February 2, 2005 7:20 PM CST

Hello everyone, Thank you so much for the encouraging words for the MRI today, but it had to be rescheduled. The MRI is now the 15th of February. The dr. is going to call Andrea and Phillip with the results on the 16th. He sees no real reason for them to make a trip to Vanderbilt to get the results, he is reasonably certain there is no change or it is a change for the better.

When Phillip picked Ryan up from school today the teacher told him what a pleasure it is to have Ryan in her class. She told him that Ryan is one the most well behaved children she has ever seen. He hangs around with the bad kids (labelled in pre school), but he doesn't do the bad things. She told Phillip that God has a reason for everyone and she thinks Ryan's reason might be to teach people to be better people. As they were leaving, Phillip mentioned that Ryan would not be in school on the 15th because he has an MRI at Vanderbilt.

Well, the teacher started thinking about what Phillip said after he left. She called Andrea at home and asked if there was a reason why Ryan needed an MRI. Andrea said,"Didn't the office tell you about Ryan?" The teacher still had no idea what she was talking about. Then, Andrea told her that Ryan has cancer. She said you could hear the teacher's total surprise and shock through the phone. During the pause, Andrea told her that Ryan has a brain tumor. She explained what the prognosis was in March of last year and how terrific he is doing now. Well, then his teacher had dozens of questions about special needs, safety concerns, etc. Andrea told her to treat him like any other four year old. After asking if the kids were Christians, she said they would be okay then.

Ryan got a special toy for being so good in school and having such an effect on his teacher after only three days.

Gee, I think Nana could have told the teacher what an effect her little buddy has on everyone that meets him. He has an effect on alot of people that don't meet him.

He is loving his gameboy and told me I have to come down to play it because it is really fun and really special.

Thank you for stopping by to visit and please sign the guestbook. Andrea apologizes for not signing everyone else's, but she will catch up when she can.

Please continue to pray for all of the kids and for our troops inIraq.

God Bless You All,
Nana

Tuesday, February 1, 2005 7:04 PM CST

Hi everyone! I will try to remember all of the things I was told to post in the journal tonight. But, I am getting forgetful, so you may hear some of the stories after Andrea gets her internet back.

First of all, what is up with it taking 15 business days for Earthlink to transfer their internet from one location to another. It isn't like they have to lay cables or anything. It is ridiculous as far as I am concerned.

Ryan started his new school yesterday. He really liked it and had alot of fun. A little boy took a book from Ryan during pick up time and Ryan started crying. The other little boy got in trouble and Ryan said, "He got mad, mad, mad." (The other little boy). Even though he liked it, he didn't think he needed to go back, but he did go back today and everything was fine.

They called me at work last night because Ryan had some big news to tell me. Elizabeth said Nana. No one heard her except Ryan, but he is sure she said it.

When Ryan got off of school today he had a really dirty face. Daddy asked him what was all over his face. He matter of factly looked at Phillip and said, "Lunch."

He was helping carry in groceries and asked Andrea and Phillip what was in the bag he was carrying. They told him they weren't sure. He looked at them and said, "Well, it stinks." Afterward, he was putting groceries away with his Mommy and told her that she was such a good helper.

He has really been in good spirits lately and has been keeping Mom and Daddy laughing. He is playing gameboy again which is what he seems to be doing most of the time now.

Phillip and Ryan are going to be leaving about 6:30 tomorrow morning to got to Nashville for the MRI. They don't have a sitter for Elizabeth, so Andrea is staying home.

Please pray for good results from Ryan's MRI tomorrow. Please pray for all of the caring bridge kids and their families. It has been almost 11 months since we received the news about Ryan at Vanderbilt. My, how your perspective of so many things can change. Once again I have to let everyone know how much I admire Andrea and Phillip for the way they have handled this situation that God has given them. They are so young in years, but can be so wise in so many ways. They are very blessed with two beautiful children and they are truly thankful for the blessings.

Pray for the troops in Iraq and all over the world defending our freedom and our great nation.

Please sign the guestbook. I read the entries on the phone to Andrea and she is really looking forward to getting caught up on reading them when she gets the internet back. YOUR SUPPORT MEANS SO MUCH.

God Bless You All,

Sherry

Friday, January 28, 2005 9:26 PM CST

Ryan has been all boy today. He has had so much energy all afternoon. He was chasing the cat and went around the corner, slid, and hit the wall. He just said, "I'm okay!"

They finally had satellite hooked up again today, but that didn't make any difference to Ryan. He watched "Princess Diaries II and Cinderella Story" over and over again. Andrea finally talked him into watching a few other movies, but he had to get right back to "Princess Diaries II and cinderella Story" again and again. Daddy is not happy with the people that bought Mommy the movies for Christmas.

He was playing with his etch a sketch earlier in the day. When he went to shake it to do another picture, he was shaking it so hard, he hit himself in the head. He just said, "OW!" Mommy cracked up laughing at him.

He can't wait to start school on Monday. He is really excited about the new school.

KY weather was nasty today, so they have been housebound. I have been keeping Andrea updated on everyone. she said to let you all know that she thinks about you everyday and prays for you all constantly.

Keep the MRI on the 2nd in your prayers. Ryan has had such good results lately this one should be no different, but we still need the prayers.

You are all in our thoughts and prayers daily. Please keep the troops in your prayers as the election in Iraq draws near.

Please sign the guestbook so when the kids get the internet back they can spend hours catching up reading messages.

God Bless You All,
Nana

Thursday, January 27, 2005 9:24 PM CST

Well, today was Ryan's last day at his old school and it was a good one. It was pajama day and he went dressed in "SpongeBob" pj's, socks, and slippers. He said, "Nana, I had fun at school today and when I got ready to get on the bus, Ms. Susan kissed me on the cheek." He just couldn't believe his teacher kissed him.

They love their new house. The kids already have play dates set up, they can go for walks, go to the park, and just really feel at home. Elizabeth followed them all over the house today as they were hanging the last of their pictures on the wall. Thay were surprised because she didn't get mad when she walked away from them, she just followed them.

So all is well at the Brown house and they should have their internet back next week.

Please remember to pray for Ryan's MRI on the 2nd. Pray for all of the caring bridge kids and remember the troops in Iraq.

God Bless You All,
Nana Sherry

Tuesday, January 25, 2005 6:40 PM CST

Hello everyone, Well, the Brown's had a full day. Ryan went to school today. The postman delivered a package for Ryan and when he opened it he found "Spiderman cards" and sidewalk chalk among other things. Well, what four year old boy could pass up the chance to beat his Mommy at war with Spiderman cards. So, they laid on the floor and played war.

The weather in Kentucky was beautiful today and the entire Brown family decided to go for a walk. (I am glad they have a nice area to take family walks now.) On the way back home they stopped at the park (Ft. Campbell has alot of nice parks) to play. Sissy was on a swing and slid down the sliding board for the first time ever. Ryan had a good time sliding, swinging with Mommy, and playing with Daddy. When they got home, Ryan and Phillip played football and soccer in the backyard (they have a really nice backyard now for Ryan to play in) while Mommy and Sissy sat on the yard swing and watched. Ryan was also able to get his new skateboard out and use it on their patio.

They decided to get the sidewalk chalk out and draw pictures on the patio. At one point they decided to draw outlines of each other laying down on the patio. Ryan laid down and they drew him, Andrea told him she was going to lay down on him (his outline) so they could draw her and see how much bigger she is. He said, "No, Mommy that will hurt!" He thought she was actually going to lay on him. Then Daddy laid down on Mommy's outline and they drew around him.

Ryan starts his new school Monday and will go to afternoon classes. That is good since Ryan doesn't like to get up early. School is only about a half mile from home, so on nice days Mommy and Elizabeth will walk him to and from school. They did tell Andrea that if the day ever comes where Ryan needs additional transportation needs that wouldn't be a problem.

Don't forget Ryan's MRI on the 2nd of February. The results come back on the 7th and that is the day Ryan will be starring on TV for the RMH telethon. Uncle Cory wrote in the journal recently about the wonderful staff at RMH in Nashville. I was down there with the kids on two or three different occassions and the girls there are a true gift from God. The radiation process and learning to deal with Ryan's disease while being pregnant with Elizabeth was much easier since they had a place to go for six weeks. Ryan and family were allowed to keep the same suite for the entire six weeks which meant they didn't have to pack and unpack all of the time. THANKS TO RMH AND THE WONDERFUL STAFF!!!!!!!

Keep David in your prayers as he has his MRI on Thursday. Please remember Ryan and all of the other caring bridge children in your prayers. Please pray for our troops in Iraq as the election draws near.

Meme called and she is enjoying her cruise, except it is colder in the Florida Keys than it is in Kentucky or Northeastern Missouri. But, I hear it is in the 80's in Cazumel, have fun swimming with the fish Meme.

Be kind to one another and remember to hug your kids tonight no matter how old they are.

God Bless You All,
Nana Sherry

Monday, January 24, 2005 7:09 PM CST

Hello everyone!! First, let me apologize for not signing guestbooks lately, but we are a family on the move and I recently moved. This is the first night I have had the internet in about two weeks. Andrea, Phillip, and the kids have made the move succesfully. Their new house is really nice. Ryan has alot of closets and cabinets to hide in and there are three different places where the kids(or their parents) can chase each other in circles.

As with most military housing, there are no carpets in the house and Ryan has already discovered that he can run and slide on the floor. Hello emergency room!!!!!

As far as I know they won't have the internet for about two weeks, but please keep signing the guestbook and I will try to sign the others for me and Andrea.

Ryan told me today on the way to catch the school bus that I had to stay longer. I explained I have to go to work tomorrow. He said, "Well, you have to come back when I call you and tell you that I am sick." I tried to explain to him that I couldn't come down everytime he called and said he was sick, only when he has to go to the big hospital. I am curious to see what happens now. If I know Ryan, he will soon figure out a way to have me driving back often.

Chemo week went really good. He was a little droopy over the weekend, but not any worse than any other chemo weekend. In fact, not as bad as most.

I am amazed at how well he tolerates these things and just takes them all in stride. He still seems to have a little bit of a dry cough, but it just comes and goes. He had to have his weekly blood draw today and did it like the trooper he is.

Please keep Ryan and the other caringbridge kids in your daily prayers. Pray for the troops in Iraq and the victims of the natural disasters worldwide.

God Bless You All,
Nana

Tuesday, January 18, 2005 9:14 PM CST

It is dose two of round 8. He is doing really well so far. He of course took it like a champ and went to bed and then snuck in bed with mom and dad in the middle of the night. He slept late this morning and has done really well all day. His teacher said he played hard and had more energy than most of the kids. As much medicine as he is on I bet he is healthier than most kids too. We have to find humor in things sometimes, especially about his chemo. But say of course he is healthy when he is taking nuclear acid. You may not find the humor in it, but it is true. The things those kids have to take and endure, their bodies seem to handle it all so well.

We sign our papers for the new house tomorrow. They come to pack our stuff on Thursday, then they will pick it up on Friday. My mom and Aunt Susan are coming down this weekend to help us clean up the old house so it won't take as long. It is also chemo weekend and someone comes down every chemo weekend to give us a break because it has usually been a very stressful week.

We have been through every room and gotten rid of things that we don't use. The only room we haven't done is Elizabeth's because I can't keep her awake long enough to do anything, so tomorrow I am going to be busting my butt to get her room done and organized. The poor girl, the bolts came undone on her bed, thank goodness she wasn't in it at the time, but daddy fixed it and it is as good as new.

I will have my internet until sometime Thursday, then they will unhook everything. But since we are moving it will be around 15 business days before they are able to get it back up again. I think it is a bunch of crap but that is what they said and so that is what it will be. So, it will be a few weeks before I can get back online to do a journal but I will have someone doing updates while I am unable too. Also, even though I won't be able to check in everyday on the guestbook doesn't mean you get out of signing it. HA HA. I will have my mom read the entries to me. She will also keep me updated on all of the other caringbridge children.

So just in case this is my last entry for awhile. Please everyone keep Ryan in your prayers for this round of chemo. He also has his next MRI February 2, we don't think it will be anything but good news but still prayers are much needed. Please also pray this move goes well for us and it was the right decision to make. Please also pray for Phillip, he has been very sick, I won't tell you how but he is in a lot of pain and very rundown. He just can't seem to get on top of it. So pray he gets to feeling better soon too. Please also pray for our caringbridge friends and families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Sunday, January 16, 2005 10:37 PM CST

Phillip put up new pictures the other night if you haven't already checked them out.

Sorry it has been so long since the last update. I have been getting things ready for our move. I probably won't be able to update after Wednesday, at least until Monday or Tuesday of the next week. I will then let everyone know how everything went with chemo and moving.

Ryan is doing really well, he seems to be feeling pretty good. He has started with a little cough a few days ago. But I think it is all of this weather changing. It actually snowed here today, I couldn't believe it after being around 60 degrees last week. I do have some funny stories to tell all of you about Ryan. The other day we were asking Ryan if we could get rid of the cat or/and dog (jokingly) Of course he said no, we knew it would be but we like to give him a hard way to go. He was very adement about them not going anywhere. So Phillip asked him if they could get rid of me, before Phillip could get it out, Ryan said SURE, Phillip said really, what would we do for a mommy. Ryan said, I found one at school, she is really pretty. Phillip then said something about me staying, well Ryan said okay we can have two mommy's. We were laughing so hard. I think it may be one of those things that was much funnier in the flesh than written down, because his facial expressions and tone was so serious. But, just yesterday, I was getting on to Ryan about not picking up his toys. Well, he started crying and telling me I was mean and all sorts of things. I told him to stop crying because it wasn't helping anything, well we went back and forth for a couple of minutes and then he just said, Fine I will just cry louder and harder then. Phillip and I couldn't help but laugh, and of course he did it too. He wasn't lying. So, he has been quite the comedian lately.

Elizabeth is doing well. I think she may finally be cutting teeth, she is crabby, snotty, and running a bit of a temprature. But other than that she is still as cute as could be.

Papa Denny was here over the weekend to celebrate Christmas with us. Ryan got a light brite and I think mommy and daddy have played with it more than Ryan, only because we don't give him the chance. Elizabeth got a Ball Bopper, it shoots out balls and plays music, well I think that is the favorite toy for both kids. Ryan is constantly playing it. We all got new movies and have been watching them over and over again. It was a great visit.

We are moving this week. The movers are packing our stuff up on Thursday and picking it up on Friday. It isn't a long move, just basically right across the highway, but I didn't feel like having to pack up everything and move it ourselves, so I am having the army do it for us. We are signing the papers on Wednesday. All of our phone numbers will be the same, so no worries there but our address is changing of course. Have a pen and paper because here it is,
2849A 33rd St.
Ft. Campbell, KY. 42223

Tomorrow is our 10 month anniversary. We are certainly creeping up on the one year mark. Ryan starts his eigth round of chemo tomorrow. We go to the doctor and then I will let everyone know how that goes. He has his next MRI the first week in February, so pray for the chemo and the MRI to go well.

We have our RMH interview set for February 7. We are excited and nervous at the same time, but of course we want to share our wonderful son with as many people as possible because he will help people in similar situations.

Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and families.

Love to all
Andrea

Monday, January 10, 2005 8:52 PM CST

First off about our weekend. It was so much fun and very relaxing. We all got there Friday night, didn't do a whole lot except unload vehicles, and played a game. Then Santa Claus came, so Saturday morning we woke up and opened presents. The kids were all so excited about everything they got, it was wonderful to see the smiles on their faces. Phillip and I got the little boys and the big boys marshmallow guns as part of their christmas. So, they all got dressed and went outside to play with them, I think the big boys enjoyed them more than the little ones. I got a bit of it on tape. It is kind of jumpy though because I was laughing so hard at them try to hit one another with the marshmallows. Then Ryan and Brandon rode the 4 wheeler for a bit, it was so muddy. Brandon came in and had to have his coat washed and the 4 wheeler had to get washed because it was so muddy. He had a lot of fun though, that is all that matters. Ryan didn't ride it for very long, he got cold fast. Then they all did boy things while us girls stayed inside and watched some new movies we got for gifts. In the evening, we played games after dinner. Let me tell you what, if you have never plaeyed the game Cranium, you should. It is the funniest game I think I have ever played. It was just the adults, the kids were playing other games. But I wish I would of had the video camera out then, we all laughed so hard that we couldn't even talk or catch our breath. You have to do different things, like act out famous people, charades, hum or whistle songs, draw or sculpt. Anyways, it was a blast and I am so glad that I got it as a gift because it certainly felt good to laugh like that. Sunday, was kind of a lazy morning then everyone packed up, but before we went we had to do our silly string tradition. Every year my sister puts silly string in all of our stockings, and we have a huge fight and spray it all over. My brother and Phillip usually hide and bombard all of us, then of course we try to get them as best we can and the boys are just spraying all over the place. Elizabeth didn't know quite what to think of it all. She kind of looked at all of us like we were crazy. So all in all it was an absolutely wonderful, fun-filled weekend, with love and lots of laughter.

Ryan is doing really well. He said he had a headache this afternoon but I think it was because he was hungry when he got home from school. As soon as he ate it went away. He has been playing hard today. He has his next round of chemo starting Monday, so pray it goes well for him. He also has his next MRI on February 2, and I am already starting the MRI jitters.

Phillip was supposed to start at his new battalion today, but didn't. It will be tomorrow and he is so nervous. He just doesn't know if they are going to be as good about Ryan as every other place he has been. But we will soon find out. He has heard only good things about this new battalion, so I think it will all turn out alright.

We will be moving in just a little over a week. We are getting very excited. We drive by the house just about everytime we are on post.

I have some big news. Kay from Ronald Mcdonald House called today. She asked us if we would be one of the families for the telecast. They had a meeting and our family was the first one to come up and it was a unanymouse(SP) vote. They said we have just had such an impact on them and they love us all so much, espcially Ryan. So they want us to share our story about Ryan and our experience at the house. I couldn't believe, I just wanted to cry. Actually I did when I told my mom. We love those girls so much and they have been absolutely wonderful to us. Ryan loves to go there and he asks about them all of the time. We go and see them every chance we have when we are at Vanderbilt. I just couldn't believe it and it was so unexpected. I don't even have the words to express how it felt for her to say those things and for them to think of us in that way. So, sometime next month we are going to do a taping for them and will get a copy of the tape.

Please continue to pray for Ryan's good health. Also, pray for our caringbridge friends and families. Pray for our troops. Please also pray for the tsunami victims and their families.

Also, to everyone I am very sorry I haven't been signing guestbooks lately. I check in everyone but it seems like everytime I do, Elizabeth is sitting on my lap and she tries to eat the keyboard, so I will try and do better. I just wanted to apologize to everyone and let you know I haven't forgotten about you and I have been checking on all of you.

Love to all,
Andrea

Friday, January 7, 2005 7:52 AM CST

Ryan has been feeling really well this week. He has to have two needles later today, the second round of flu shot and blood draw. But he is such a trooper that he probably won't say much, just go with the flow because he knows it is something he has to do. It is like no big deal to him anymore, just like everyday living now a days.

We have been talking with Dream Factory about Ryan's wish. Of course his wish was to go to Disney again. So we will be going to Give Kids the World in Florida the first week in April. Or at least that is the schedule for now.

We have a move in date, January 19. It is when we will get our new house. I can't wait. I certainly wasn't expecting it to be this soon. But we are moving and I will give everyone our new address when the time gets closer, because if we are not there hard telling what would happen to our mail.

I won't be journaling for the next couple of days. We are going to a cabin in Illinois for the weekend with my mom, Cory, Heather, Amy, Mike, Tony, Brandon, Brady, Ryan, Elizabeth, Phillip, and me. It is our Christmas weekend. Santa brought all of their presents to her house. It is going to be a lot of fun and we are all excited. It is one of those places that you don't have TV and can't get cell phone signals. So it is pretty much you and the great outdoors, and a lot of family time. I will let everyone know how it goes and tell you all how much fun we had with them all.

Please sign the guestbook as we love to read the entries to know who stopped by to see us.

Please continue to pray for Ryan's good health and all of the other caringbridge children and family.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, January 3, 2005 8:48 PM CST

Ryan's first day back to school was good. He had a lot of fun and was really worn down when he got home.

Yesterday, we went to Chuck E Cheese. He had gotten gift cards for Christmas so we went because that is of course his favorite place in the world. He played all of his games and won over 1000 tickets just yesterday. But we have been saving his tickets since last April, here and there he would spend them and have enough to get a big prize and enough to save. So all together he used almost 9000 tickets yesterday. He of course shared with sissy, so she was able to get a few things too. But I could not believe it and the other kids were just looking at him like how did he do that, we had some outside help with all of those tickets. He had a blast and wanted to go back today!

Phillip moves again tomorrow. He is going to a new battalion. But hopefully he will stay there for awhile as long as he likes it there, if not then we will hope he goes somewhere else better. But so far we have heard only good things about the guys he is going to be with and his commanders and such. I pray that everything works out for the best and he is able to stick to one place.

We heard from the housing office today. We actually have an address but not a move in date. It is one of the duplexes on post and has just been renovated, it was finished up today. But those guys leave it in a mess, so the maintance people have to go in and clean it up before anyone can move in. So, I will try to let everyone know when we will be moving. I can't wait. I am ready to move, all of the people that lived around us when we first got here are all moving to one place or another. So, it is time for a change for us. I think it will be much better for Ryan and Elizabeth too. I think they will be much happier there.

Ryan has an MRI on February 2. He has another round of chemo starting on January 17. Please pray that things continue to go so well for him and he stays healthy and happy. Also pray for our caringbridge friends and family. Please also pray for our troops.

Love to all,
Andrea

Saturday, January 1, 2005 8:59 PM CST

Sorry I haven't updated in the last few days. We have been so busy visiting family and friends. Everyone wants to see Ryan and Elizabeth, mommy and daddy too, I guess since we come in the package. LOL!

Phillip's dad is doing better, he is at home now. He will be having gall bladder surgery in the coming weeks. Please pray it goes well for him and stays strong.

Ryan is doing great. He seems to be feeling great and has a bountiful amount of energy. Yesterday he jumped on the trampoline at Uncle Cory's most of the day with daddy and Uncle Cory. Mommy, Nana, and Elizabeth went shopping, we had a girls day while they had a boys day. He goes back to school on Monday and is ready for it.

Elizabeth had her first haircut today, by Aunt Heather. She looks so much different and had a lot cut off. Hopefully now it will grow out more even and stay out of her eyes. We were trying to wait until she was 1 but it was getting out of control, I don't think it would have lasted 5 more months. She is feeling much better too!

So right now we have a happy and healthy household. Please pray it stays that way. We still don't have anymore info on the move, yet. So please pray that we find out something soon.

Please continue to pray for our bubby boy. Also pray for our caringbridge friends and family.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, December 27, 2004 2:56 PM CST

Christmas was wonderful! It wasn't nearly as hard on us as I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be very emotional, because of chemo ending and just under the circumstances of the unknown, but instead it was all happy emotion and grateful, instead of sadness. We certainly took into account that we were able to spend Christmas with Ryan instead of the alternative. We don't know what the next year is going to bring our family but we pray everyday, like a million times that is will all be great and he will continue to beat this monster. He is a very strong willed little guy, a lot stronger than I am, I know that for a fact. You sit back sometimes and just watch him and realize that things aren't so bad after all.

Ryan did get his skateboard from Santa Claus, it had fire on the bottom. He sure was excited. He had to tell everyone about his fire skateboard from Santa. He also had to tell everyone that Santa cleaned his room, even thought that was really daddy, but he didn't believe us, so we let him keep thinking it really was Santa. Anyways, I just wanted to let everyone know that our Christmas was great.

We are currently in Missouri for a few days. It was an unexpected trip. Phillips stepdad is in the hospital and they are unsure what is causing him so much pain. It has something to do with his pancreas and liver, that is what they think but are sure what is causing those things to hurt and look unusual. Please pray for him that everything turns out okay and is able to go home soon.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and that he stays healthy and happy. So far so good this round of chemo. It hasn't turned out like the last few have, he is doing a lot better and no ER trips. Pray it stays that way.

Please pray for our caringbridge friends and their families. I will try and visit some of you when I get back home but right now it is hard to get online since I am not at home with my own computer.

Please don't forget to sign the guestbook as we love to read the entries.

Love to all,
Andrea

Friday, December 24, 2004 3:26 PM CST

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

I don't know if I will write a journal tomorrow or not, it all depends on how the day is going. I suspect it will go great.

Ryan has been doing really well this week on chemo. He got sick early Wednesday morning but it was nothing compared to usual chemo weeks, so we were very thankful. He has been full of energy and asking everyday if it was Christmas. We have been doing last minute shopping, we are going to bake cookies tonight and make a gingerbread house. I couldn't make any of it sooner because it all would have been gone by today. Ryan and Phillip have been riding 4 wheelers all week long. He has so loved for daddy to have a one to ride on finally, just to bad we have to give it back on Sunday. Ryan wants Phillip to have a 4 wheeler more than Phillip wants one, I think. It is very, very cold down here right now. We had 3 inches of ice and about 2 inches of snow. It is very unusual for us to have weather like this down here. They don't even have snow plows here, so Kentucky and Tennesse are very unprepared for wintry weather. I wanted a white Christmas and I got my wish. Ryan has wanted it to snow so bad so he could play in it and that is all he has done all week long. He doesn't stay out very long at a time but he goes out often. We have him bundled up so good that he looks like a snowman himself. We were walking and everything is so slick because of the ice, and he said mommy now you have to be careful especially over here, you can't walk you have to waddle like this and he showed me how to walk so I wouldn't fall. It was so funny. When him and Phillip have been playing outside on the 4 wheelers in the snow, Ryan has learned to cut donughts. He has had to show me and he thinks it is the most fun to do it a whole bunch of times in a row. I finally was able to get him on videotape and take a few pictures.

Everything is going good here. Ryan has one more dose of chemo tonight for end of round 7. Please pray he continues to do good and he stays healthy. Elizabeth is getting better everyday, but I think she is cutting teeth now.

Please pray for our caringbridge friends and their families. Pray for our troops.

VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, December 20, 2004 9:39 PM CST

Phillip and Ryan went to the doctor today. They said he looks just amazing, excellent, etc., etc. I think they are in awe everytime he walks through those doors and is so full of energy and doing so well with everything. Just a few short days ago was our nine month mark, they didn't even think we were going to make it that far, but to their amazement our bubby boy has a great fight in him. But, on a much better note, his counts were good, he pasted all the funny neurological tests they did on him. He has gained some weight so they increased his chemo to 160mg, to match his body size now. He has only been home a little while and is so full of energy he has my head spinning. He is so talkative and to anyone that calls watch out because he will talk your ear off and doesn't want to get off of the phone. Dr. Kuttesch (Oncologist) thinks the 4 wheeler is helping his neurology because he has to think so much to ride it and the coordination it takes to ride it without flipping it over. So we did do good when we bought it, even though we didn't think of it like that at the time. LOL.

Ryan and daddy are supposed to go shopping tomorrow and spend some, daddy/Ryan time together away from home, looking for mommy and sissy a few christmas presents. I bet that will be fun, I sure do hope they have fun.

Elizabeth is sleeping off the sickness, I think. She has slept the entire day, woke up once long enough to eat then go back to sleep. She goes through phases where all she will want to do is sleep and then has phases where I can't get her to sleep for anything. But she seems to be feeling better, still a snotty nose and a touch of a cough but hopefully those will go away soon.

By the way, we have ourselves a celebrity, as we all knew he already was but now he is in a flyer. Ryan's picture is in the Ronald McDonald House flyer for the Nashville home. He is so cute. He is wearing shorts and a sleeveless shirt, holding a watergun bigger than him and what looks like goggles, but I think they are really workers glasses. They have sent these flyers to all of the houses all over the world, so now everyone will get to see our bubby. I couldn't believe it, I was so excited when they showed it to me. He sure has had a huge impact on all of those girls there. We have to go and see them everytime we are down there, they are the girls at the hotel. He plays with them and tells them what has been going on. He loves them so much, and they love him just the same. Everyday we were there while I was pregnant and had to stay home they would ask Phillip if we had a new baby yet. They sent a stocking home full of presents for Ryan and a fluffy bear for Elizabeth. They certainly made our 6 week stay down there much easier. It is an absolute wonderful place with wonderful ladies working there.

Please continue to pray for Ryan this week, it is dose 1 of round 7 for chemo. He takes it like a champ and doesn't ever ask any questions, he is such a trooper, but to him unfortunately it is everyday life to him. He had to be poked with needles twice today because the first vial they drew the blood was somehow tainted and they called him back in. Of course Phillip thought he was going to throw a fit about having to have another needle, nope instead Ryan said Oh well, it didn't hurt the first time so let's do it again. He certainly shocked Phillip, I think I would have had a fit about it.

Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and their families. Please continue to pray for our troops and their families.

Love to all,
Andrea

PS We really love to read the guestbook, I know how people just stopped by for a quick update and really don't have a lot of time to sign. But if you do have the time please sign, even if you don't know what to say or think you are going to say the wrong thing. Trust me you won't say the wrong thing, it is just great to know you were here.

Sunday, December 19, 2004 9:18 PM CST

Sorry it has been so long since the last update.

Ryan is feeling better everyday. He starts his next round of chemo tomorrow. Him and daddy have been riding 4 wheelers for the last two days non-stop. We have a friend that went home for christmas and they are letting Phillip borrow the 4-wheeler until they get back after Christmas. So, Ryan and Phillip are taking complete advantage of being able to ride together. Ryan has been so excited about it. He is getting excited about Christmas too. Every morning he wakes up and asks if it is today. He has been getting packages in the mail, he says Santa sent me something today. He puts the things under the tree still wrapped and will say he has to wait until Christmas to open them. It lasts about 5 seconds and then he is into them. Santa even called him the other night (Uncle Cory). He had no idea it was him, and when he got off of the phone he told Santa that he loved him and would see him soon. Uncle Cory of course disguised his voice and Ryan thought that was pretty cool for Santa to call him. He tells Phillip and I all of the time that Santa is watching us so we better be good. LOL! But he is doing really well.

Elizabeth and I went to ER last night to find out why we have been so sick and can't get over whatever it is that we both have, it is just a virus. They can't do anything for either one of us except let it run its course, so both of us have been in bed most of the day, resting so we can have a wonderful, sick free Christmas. I am feeling much better today than the last couple of days and Elizabeth seems to be feeling better also.

I had a phone call today, it was a survey for the doctor's office here on post for an appointment we had for Ryan a few weeks ago. I answered all of her questions the best that I could, but one question she asked was What would you rate your child's health? Very poor, poor, good, very good, excellent. I said well I guess it depends on how you look at it, I would rate him very healthy for a child with brain cancer, but I guess poor to because he does have cancer, so it is all in how you want to look at it. I didn't know exactly how to go about answering that one. She said it is my opinion, so I said as far as a day to day basis, healthy for his lifestyle. So that is what she put in the computer.

Things are starting to go better around here as far as sickness goes. Everyone seems to be getting over all of the yuckies.

I forgot to tell everyone that we were approved for priority housing on post, so we will be moving. They said it would probably be 60 days, so it definitely won't be soon. But they have to wait for a house to become available and they are also doing renovations on all of the housing so they also have to get done with one first too. Phillip and I were just a little stunned at first because we just assumed priority housing meant priority, but that is not exactly how they do it. It is sort of strange though because on our approval letter, it said approved for single story but not individual heating and a/c. In some of the housing the ventilation system is all shared by everyone, so if someone smokes it is in your house to, also if they have a cold it goes throughout all of the houses in that particular building. At first I was like that was the whole point of going through priority housing was to have individual venting, because with him on chemo hard telling what other people have that I definitely don't want him to get, come to find out all of the single story are individual venting. But I was not a happy camper until they explained this to us. We will also be getting better housing because there are no houses available for Phillip's rank that are single story, so we will be getting NCO housing, which are much nicer and typically bigger. Ryan will have a much better and bigger yard, thank goodness. He loves to play outside and here there is not much of a yard at all. It will also be fenced, which is definitely a big plus in our books. I will let everyone know when we get more information about all of that stuff.

Please continue to pray for Ryan as he goes into another round of chemo. Please pray for our family that we all get better and stay healthy. Please pray for our caringbridge friends and their families through the holidays. Some of our friends are spending this holiday season without their children.

Love to all,
Andrea

PS Please also pray for our troops and their families. It is hard to spend the holiday season knowing that they are fighting a war and are unable to spend this time in the safety of their own home. Ryan and I spend last year's holidays without Phillip, because he was overseas and it was very hard for us. We were lucky enough to be able to talk to him, even though we didn't think we were going to be able to, so hopefully they will be able to get to phones or computers to talk with their families. Please pray they all make it home safe and very soon.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004 5:28 PM CST

Ryan is feeling much better. He went to school today and seemed to have a really good day. He came home in good spirits. He did a little bit of quiet time this afternoon then got up and has been full of energy. He hardly coughs and when he does it is really loose now. So, he seems to be on the road to recovery. YIIIPPPEEEE!

Elizabeth's cough is getting worse and she is so stuffed up, but of course you can't get a doctors appointment around here for anything. But she has spent most of the day in bed.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support.

Please continue to pray for our family and the other caringbridge children and their families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, December 13, 2004 7:20 PM CST

First of all, Thank you Stacy for doing the journal entry for us this morning so it was one less thing I had to worry about today.

It all starts with Friday, Ryan had a little cough and a sniffle. I made a doctors appointment for that day at BACH, they told us it was a very minor cold and could do nothing for it. Okay fine, they did give us something to help him sleep. YEAH! We went down to the pharmacy, that place was a mad house with all of these sick people of course. Thankfully Phillip was there so he took the kids back up to the car while I waited for two hours to get one prescription filled. When it was finally my turn, I asked the tech if there was anyway possible that we could speed up the process a bit and get us our medicine a little sooner, I explained the cancer and the chemo. I told that if Phillip hadn't been there Ryan would have to sit down there with all of these sick people and hard telling what he could get or how tragic it could be for him. She actually had the audacity (SP) to say "Well if you really think about it everyone is sick here" Oh I actually wanted to reach across the counter and hit her or something. But instead I held my composure and merely said, I understand that everyone down here is sick, but most of these kids can take medicine for a week and be fine, it could actually be fatal to him because he is fighting enough things already without having to deal with other peoples diseases to, and how many other 4 years old with brain cancer on chemo are here. She didn't have much to say about that then. I was very upset about what she said, I just couldn't believe it.

Saturday his cough had gotten worse and we started giving him cough medicine. Not much else that day. He didn't sleep very good that night, so the next day I called the on call doctor at Vanderbilt, she said to give him codeine to help him sleep and if it does not get any better after a good nights sleep to come to clinic. He woke up at 4:30 this morning with a fever of 102.2, I called my mom right away and told her we were taking him to the ER in Nashville before we ever even called the doctor. We did call her and she of course told us to come straight down and they would be waiting for us. My mom started on her way down, we started on our way to the hospital. As soon as we got there his fever had already gone down but it was still a fever, so they started him on antibiotics right away and an IV. The doctor came in and checked him out, he said it sounds like he has pneumonia in his right front lower lung and his left back lower lung. I didn't realize there was a front and back, I just thought it was all the same. They did a lot of blood work up. Ryan fell asleep for awhile until they came to do the chest xray. The blood work came back excellent they said so he could go home because his body could fight off infection, if his counts weren't good then we would of had to stay. The chest xrays looked good, no visible signs of pneumonia. So they can't see it but he has pneumonia like symptons. They sent us home with an antibiotic. He has been doing good all day but is still coughing a lot. He did have a fever of 101.9 this evening but it has since broke. He has been playing a bit, but only quite games and calmly and took a long nap this afternoon. He does have chemo next week still as far as we know. But we are home, he is not completely better, but it definitely could be a lot worse so we are thanking GOD.

Elizabeth has been running a low grade temp the last couple of days. She would get one it would break and then get another one a little later. She has hardly been able to keep anything down at all over the weekend. She was awake until 2 o'clock this morning just miserable. She was throwing up still this morning while we were in Nashville with Ryan. When we got home, I called the doctor she couldn't get in today so I would have to go to the ER. By that time I layed her down for a nap and waited to see if she was any better when she woke up from her nap. She was much better and has been able to keep everything down thus far. She has not had a fever today. So she is doing better and hopefully will continue to do so.

Phillip and I are just completely exhausted from the last few days with the kids. I was able to sleep this afternoon while the kids were asleep. Phillip relaxed while watching a movie and Nana was being her crafty self. She watched the kids while we went and ran some errands and had Ryan's medicine filled. Phillip and mom made me take some medicine because by this afternoon I was a bit edgey, because not only are the kids sick but I have been trying to get over a sinus infection for the last week. So, mom has been doing some laundry, straightening up, cooking us lots of good food that can be used for leftovers for the rest of the week. Now Phillip and I don't have to worry about cooking. Aren't moms just wonderful? I called her this morning and told I wanted her here, I needed her here and she was here as fast as she could be here. Her birthday is on Wednesday so we celebrated for it tonight.

I will keep everyone updated on how Ryan is doing. Please keep him in your prayers that he gets over this yucky stuff and quickly, also Elizabeth too.

Please continue to pray for our caringbridge children and their families, especially through the holidays.

Thank you everyone for you love, support and prayers.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, December 13, 2004 9:05 AM CST

Good morning everyone, this is Stacy...Ryan's cousin. This morning Ryan was running a high fever so Andrea and Phillip took him to the hospital. He has pneumonia. The doctors said that his cell counts are high enough that he should be able to fight the pneumonia with medicine which is great news. However, both Elizabeth and Ryan have been sick for the past few weeks and Andrea and Phillip are exhausted so Grandma Nana is on her way down to give them a break. Please pray that the kids will be healthy again soon. Either Andrea or Nana will update soon!

Thursday, December 9, 2004 10:36 AM CST

Ryan is still doing very well. He was able to ride his four wheeler finally yesterday, but that was short lived because it is like a swamp out in our front yard today from all of the rain. We don't have very good drainage here. He is sleeping better the last couple of nights. All of us have been in bed by 9 pm or even earlier. Phillip has had to work a lot the last couple of weeks, they are trying to get things organized and make sure everything is all checked in, things like that so they are ready to go when they are deployed again. Don't worry Phillip is not going anywhere, he is going to stay here.

Elizabeth's doctors appointment went really well, they said she just looked great and very beautiful. She was making all sorts of friends at the doctors office. She is 16 1/2 lbs, and 26 1/2 in. Growing like a weed!

Phillip and I have decided to start the process to move onto the Army base. If we move into the village we think we are going to get, the hospital is like down the block. Of course it isn't Vanderbilt but it will do in an emergency, besides living that close we won't have to go through the gates and work our way over there, we will be right there. His 1st Sgt. and CO think it will be best for him and our family. They are all for it. We had the doctor write a letter of priority and it goes to the board on Monday, if it is approved then they will assign us a house. So, we won't know anything more about that until next week, but it looks like we are going to be moving. It is just across the highway, but we doing it. Ryan is excited, he has been wanting to move, all of his friends have moved around us and so he thinks he needs to also. But we prayed, made lists, talked to anyone and everyone about moving and the outcome was always the same, moving onto post is the best decision right now for us. Thank you all for praying for us, those decisions weren't quite so hard before, but now you have to think how is this going to affect Ryan. But we think he will do just excellent with it.

Please continue to pray for Ryan, he has chemo started again in about a week and a half. He will finish this round on Christmas Eve, yuck! It seems the last couple of rounds the last day and the day after aren't good ones, we are usually in the Emergency room, so please pray he does really, really good this time and he doesn't have to go to the Emergency room and spend anytime in the hospital. Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and their families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, December 6, 2004 8:09 PM CST

Ryan is doing really well right now. He seems to be feeling a lot better and no fevers since last Wednesday. WHEW! He still is not sleeping very well, so I am going to take him to the doctor and see what they can do for him. When he does sleep he doesn't rest very well at all, so during the day he is extra crabby and whiny, but it is okay because even though he is hard to deal with he is still here. But I also think that he needs to sleep because the way I look at it, is if he is not well rested and strong then it will be harder for him to fight because he is tired, his body will be tired, so I need to get him to sleep better and sooner. Even putting him to bed earlier doesn't help, he will lay in down and stay awake until late, I usually fall asleep before he does anymore. But other than not sleeping he is doing very well. He is learning all sorts of new things at school. He can spell his name out loud and right down on paper. YEAH! Way to go Ryan!

Elizabeth is just getting to big for her own good. We had to lower her mattress because she has started standing up in bed as you all know, but this afternoon I caught her putting her feet on her rails like she was going to try and climb out. She pulled herself up by the couch last night and I was at the other end, before I knew it she was right next to me and she made their all by herself holding onto the couch by her feet. It seems like since she started crawling she just took off like she is all grown up now. She has a doctors appointment tomorrow for her 6 month check up.

We have a new addition to the family. We now have a cat that Ryan named Peanut Butter, obviously his favorite food besides ketchup which I am very surprised he didn't name her ketchup. I wanted to name her pumpkin because she is orange but nope we named her Peanut Butter. I have gotten some really weird looks over that one the last couple of days. I tell them my 4 year old named her, then they understand. I was going to do a poll on the website to find out which everyone else liked better, pumpkin or peanut butter, but I thought peanut butter would win so I spared myself the defeat to a child and gave in sooner rather than later. LOL.. But she is a beautiful, calm kitten. We love her already.

Phillip and I are doing good. Right now we are having a debate rather we should move onto post or stay where we are at for the time being, so we have been making a pros and cons list today. It has been a really hard decision to make for us and we are still not sure what we want to do. We want to do whatever is best for our family and right now we aren't exactly sure which one of those decisions is the right one. Please pray that we do make the right one. But other than that everything is good.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and our other caringbridge children and their families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Friday, December 3, 2004 8:05 AM CST

Just another real quick update!

Ryan had another fever last night. I was with a friend at the store and Phillip called me to tell me. I thought he said it was 103 degrees. My heart about drop through the floor, but it was 100.3, so not nearly as bad as I thought he said it was. It was broke really easy and he was feeling much better by the time he was ready for bed. So, hopefully no more fevers. He is doing fine this morning so far today, let's see what this evening brings because it seems that it is always in the evening things start going on with him.

Phillip was very shocked last night. He and Ryan were sitting in the living room and saw Elizabeth's bedroom light come on, then she started screaming. She had managed to stand up in bed and turn her light on. He was sure surprised at that one. Ryan thought it was pretty cool and very funny.

Phillip and I are both doing fine. He is going to be moving at work again. We don't know when or even where yet. Like I have said before they are doing the reorginazation thing with the military and are moving everyone around, well this is like the 6th or 7th time he has moved in the last couple of months. We are pretty disappointed because we both really, really liked where he was at this time, but hopefully everything will work out.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and all of our caringbridge children and their families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Wednesday, December 1, 2004 8:58 PM CST

Just a real quick update tonight to let you know how things are going today.

Ryan got really super sick last night, I didn't realize so much could come out of such a little person. I don't know what was upsetting his tummy so much, but he was sick for a little bit but after he vomitted he was all better, and was begging to go to school today. So whatever it was hopefully worked out of his system. He is doing much better today. But between the ER on Saturday and the throwing up last night, it has been a trip with him the last few days. Elizabeth had a fever last night, to top things off. I think she is cutting teeth though. She is crawling much better lately, and is even pulling herself up onto her knees and if she gets good balance onto her feet. Are they supposed to do those things at only 6 months?

But all is well today in the Brown household today. I just wanted to let everyone know, just in case my mother alerted the media last night about Ryan being so sick. LOL, just kidding mom! I like to tease you, but it is actually wonderful to know that I don't have to worry about calling anybody once I have called her.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and all of our caringbridge children and their familes.

Thank you all for you love, support and prayers.

Love to all,
Andrea

PS. Please read the last journal if you haven't already done so because Phillip wrote two beautiful poems for the kids. Bring a tissue, it made me cry when I read them. I am going to try and post them on the home page for everyone to see always.

Monday, November 29, 2004 7:48 PM CST

Hello everyone this is daddy. I haven't done one of these in a long time so i figured i would give mom a break.Ryan is being his normal little self. Andrea and i wrapped christmas present today while Ryan was at school. Elizabeth was trying to help while she was CRAWLING around. When he got home of course he asked if he could open some of them. Then he asked if his skate board was under the tree. I told him no and well that didn't go over very well. He was so upset. He kept saying thats all i want for christmas. So guess what mean old dad and mom are getting him one. We keep tell ourself that this is the last one till we find something else. We love him so much we just want him to have the greatest Christmas's ever.
I just want to thank everyone for the thoughts and prayers. Andrea and i couldn't even imagine where we would be if it weren't for all of you. Everyday is a blessing and i think god everyone morning when he wakes up cause its one more day of sunshine in our lives.

My Little Girl, My Little Boy

A single tear,
that love bears no boundaries.
A simple touch,
to wrap my arms around you.
Within your smiles
my heart embraces,
Within your laughter
my heart caresses your joy.

In every story you have to tell me,
In everything you do in play,
In everything you dream to see,
I love you more for this each day.

In every way you want for the spotlight,
In everything that you must bear,
With every day you learn wrong from right,
I look inside myself -
I see a child who was once there.

Let me dry the tears that hold you in sadness,
Let me hold you in your joy,
Let me show you all I know in lovliness,
I shall love you forever.

My little girl, my little boy,
Unconditional love for you forever,
My little girl, my little boy.
-dad-
Our Little Boy

Do you
Hear,
What is so
Near?

Those happy little
Feet,
Who Never miss
A Beat.

The Happy
Joy,
Of our little
Boy.

Who's silly
Laugh,
Makes us Whole
Not Half.

And Then at
Night,
When He's tucked in
Tight.

Will he ever
Know,
How much
We Love Him
So?
-dad-
I love my family so much with out them i would be nothing. I had to write these so the whole world would know what they mean to me. All we ask for christmas is that our family stays healthy(our caring bridge family as well)and for our troops to come home soon (we miss you BJ)!!!

Thank you for being there for us!

Love
phillip

Saturday, November 27, 2004 9:44 PM CST

Hello everyone, I had planned to sign the guestbook tonight and let everyone know that I spent the weekend with Ryan, Elizabeth, Andrea, and Phillip. Well, instead I am doing the journal entry since the kids are on their way to the emergency room at Vanderbilt with Ryan.

This was chemo week and Ryan is usually tired on chemo week. Today we took him to see Santa Claus and while we were at the PX, he asked me to carry him and said he didn't feel good. So, I carried him out to the car, put him in and sat next to him on the way back to their house. He laid his head on my shoulder most of the way home and just said he didn't feel good. When we got back to Andrea and Phillip's, Ryan wanted to lay on my lap and be held. He climbed up on my lap with two pillows and an afghan. He already had on a hooded sweatshirt. He said he had a headache and just didn't feel good. He became really upset when he found out that Nana was going to be leaving right away. He asked me to stay so we told him we would stay until dinner time, but Aunt Nae had to get home. He fell fast asleep on my lap. I sat there holding our sweet little boy while he slept. He would jerk and shake in his sleep. I was trying to soak up as much of him as I could in that small amount of time.

When he woke up, he still had his headache and was running a slight temperature. Andrea tried to call the doctor, but couldn't get anyone. She gave him some Tylenol and his fever went down. He seemed to be feeling really good, ate a bowl of Beefaroni, and started playing with Brady. I left to come home and everything seemed to be okay.

Well, I was about 20 minutes from home and Andrea called me. Ryan's temperature had come back up, it was over 101 now, and they wanted him at Vanderbilt as quick as possible. So, I am back in Missouri (which feels like a million miles away from Kentucky) waiting for the phone to ring.

Ryan has been doing so good, he looks so good, and we get such good news from the doctor that when he looks and acts like he did today, it really hits hard. I am going to try to post a picture I took of him sleeping today. He looks so peaceful and wonderful, it is hard to imagine what is going on in his little mind or know how he is feeling.

Please say a special prayer for Ryan tonight and for all of the other caring bridge kids.

Nana Sherry

UPDATE
***************************************

It is 2:09AM and Ryan is on his way home from the hospital. They did a throat culture, a chest xray, and checked him out. His chest is clear, he does not have strep throat, and they sent him home after giving him an antibiotic. Thank you all for your prayers.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004 9:33 AM CST

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE!

I know it is tomorrow but I doubt that I am journaling tomorrow unless something happens.

Monday when Phillip took Ryan to the doctor he got a prescription for Ryan's chemo, so they went to the pharmacy to have it filled. Well they only had two of the strengths needed, the 20 mg, and the 100 mg. They didn't have the 5 mg, now mind you we get his chemo their every 4 weeks for the last five rounds. They said it would be in on the morning truck, so they called the doctor he said okay as long as it is just one night. I wasn't to happy, but hey what could I do at that point. The pharmacy calls yesterday and the medicicine didn't come in on the morning truck. I was very upset, but I held my composure very well because it is the pharmacy I worked at before we found out Ryan was sick, so I didn't want to go completely balistic on them. I couldn't believe it. I mean this is not a drug that you want to mess around with either. But I called the doctor again and they said as long as he is getting the majority of it then we won't be to concerned unless it doesn't come in this morning. I wasn't really happy with that answer either but if they thought it was okay, who am I to say they are wrong. I was willing to drive down to Nashville for 10 pills and drive home, just so he would have all of his medicine. But they didn't think it was as big of a deal as Phillip and I did, so we are now waiting to see if the pharmacy gets it in today. Let's hope so! Enough about that, on to more positive things.

Ryan had his soccer party last night. It was at Chuck E Cheese. He had a blast! We were there for like 2 hours, I sure was ready to come home. Phillip came when everyone was leaving, he had a mandatory meeting at 6:00 pm and he couldn't miss it. It was for training or something like that, anyways he was so disappointed he wasn't there, but mom had the video camera. So, while someone took Elizabeth I taped it for everyones enjoyment. Every player received a trophy. They were all so excited about it too. As soon as their name was called they got a picture with the coach and came running over to mom or dad, WOW LOOK WHAT I GOT!! It was wonderful to see the expressions and enjoyment they all got from last night. It helped to that it was at their favorite place in the world. Ryan has counseling this morning, he hasn't been in awhile because either him or the counselor is sick on the day of his appointment. But sadly today is our last day with him, because he is retiring. He is going to place us with a new counselor that he thinks Ryan will do good with, I don't know how well it is going to go over with Ryan because he loves Tom so much. He calls him Uncle Tom. What Uncle Tom says goes too. Ryan asks us if he can go to the talking doctor and play, and mom and dad leave him alone. He doesn't like us to be there. So, hopefully it will all work out and Ryan will like his new counselor as much as he did Uncle Tom. I think that is all for now.

Ryan took his medicine really good last night. He has been having a few cold chills but wraps up in a blanket and cuddles with mom or dad and is fine.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and our family. We need some prayers for our caring bridge friends and their families. Devin is having some troubles, they aren't exactly sure what is going on yet, so pray for his family. Harlei is experiencing tumor growth. Haley may have a shift in her tumor or it could be tumor growth. David has to have chemo today and he has been having it more frequently because of the holidays, so he has been pretty sick. Please pray for the families that are spending this Thanksgiving without their children, pray they find the strength to make it through these holiday, the mom and dad of Cheyenne, Connor, Maddie, Troy, Isaac, Jake, Jacob, Celeste, and many more who I have not named off.

Thank you all for your support, love and prayers. It lifts us up to know you are out there. Please sign our guestbook to let us know you stopped by for a visit.

Have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Happy shopping to if you are going to fight the crowds on Friday.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, November 22, 2004 3:52 PM CST

UPDATE!!!
Everyone please keep Harlei and her family in your prayers. They received a call from her doctor this evening and received some devastating news, tumor growth. It is a call that no cancer parent wants to get, and they can use all of the support, love and especially prayers that anyone can give them. Please go and visit her site and sign the guestbook to let them know you are thinking of them.
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NEW PICTURES!!!!

I am back! I bet some of you thought I fell off of the face of the earth. I have just been really, really sick. Phillip had to take me to the ER on Wednesday evening because of how bad I felt, and you can't get a doctors appointment around here for anything. I had a stomack flu type virus, they gave me some really good medicine and I slept for like 5 days. I was only up long enough usually to eat and take more medicine. Thankfully I have the most wonderful husband in the world, and he babied me along with cooking, cleaning and taking care of both kids without a gripe. He was really good at it too, but he did tell me he was certainly glad I was feeling better because he didn't like his new job.

On to Ryan, he is feeling really well. He had a Thanksgiving dinner at school today. They must have played hard too because all of the kids fell asleep on the bus. He has been really whiny and quite defiant these last couple of days, but I think he is really tired and being a typical 4 year old. We have lights on the 4-wheeler now, so it is all we can do to get him off of it anymore. He has made a track around the house from going around it so many times. But, not a lot has been going on this last week. Ryan starts his 6th round of chemo tonight. Him and Phillip are at the doctors right now, I didn't think it was a good idea if I went because of not feeling well, I didn't think the doctors would appreciate that to much at all.

Elizabeth will be 6 months old tomorrow, my how is growing. We went and had family pictures taken on Friday, and she was just a little ham, just like her brother. They do love the camera.

I will try and update sooner than once week. I will also get back into signing guestbooks again. I check on everyone just about everyday, but I don't always sign the guestbooks. So, I am truly sorry, I think about all of you and pray for all of you everyday.

Please continue to pray for Ryan. Also, continue to pray for all of our caringbridge friends and their families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, November 15, 2004 9:21 PM CST

Ryan had his last soccer game Saturday, but we are going to try and sign him up for Spring soccer. It was a rough game and very cold. Ryan has been feeling well, Sunday morning he got sick right after the Protocel dose, it looked like a bit of lysing. YIPPEE! We hate when he gets sick but we love to see lysing. Daddy and Papa Bob put lights on the four wheeler, so now Ryan gets to ride around the house at night, because they are bright and no one could miss him now. We went and saw Polar Express yesterday afternoon, he really liked it. It actually kept his attention long enough for him to sit through the entire movie. It had some parts that scared him a bit and he had to hide his eyes and sit closer to daddy. But all in all he thought it was great, in his words. He had school today and it didn't seem to wear him out to much because he was still going strong when he came home, he hasn't been taking naps in the afternoons for a few days. Ryan has been putting together a lot of puzzles, well actually the same puzzle a lot of times, Shrek 2. I think I could put it together in my sleep now. We played animal dominoes tonight, he kept conning mommy and daddy to play just one for game about 5 more times. But of course we had fun so it was our pleasure. He helped daddy rearrange the bedroom today after school, while mommy was at the groomer picking up Miki. He is feeling really well, a lot better than Elizabeth and I are right now. We both still have these nasty colds that won't go away, and of course you cannot get into the doctor for like weeks. Daddy made up some business cards tonight with bumblebees on them and both web addresses, they look really cool. We are going to start passing them out whenever we see people and they ask us about Ryan because then we won't have to tell them the address to the web sites, we can just hand them a card. Not a whole lot is going on here, that is why I haven't updated since last Thursday.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and all of our dear caringbridge children and their families.

Thank you all for the love, support, and prayers you have given to us.

Love to all,
Andrea

Thursday, November 11, 2004 3:39 PM CST

I know it has been a few days since the last update. I haven't been feeling to well, I think it is just sinuses, but this weather doesn't help anything to much.

Anyways, now to Ryan. He seems to be feeling really well. He didn't have to much fun at school yesterday, some little boy pushed him down and he has a scrape on his knee. I asked him why the little boy pushed him down and he said because he was the leader. But, whatever the reason the little boy did get punished. So, he is feeling good having a good time, riding his 4 wheeler non-stop in between spouts of rain. Him and daddy went this afternoon to find lights to put on it so he can ride it after dark. I am not daring enough to let Ryan ride it when I am the only one home so he has to wait until daddy gets home from work and by then it is really dark out. I don't like it when it gets dark so early. I like the sun, very much. Our bubby was playing in his room last night and he just started singing this song, Phillip put the tv on mute so we could hear him better. It goes, we are tigers, mighty mighty tigers, oh-ee-oh, oh-ee-oh, and then he says some other things I couldn't quite make out. By the time I got the video camera out he stopped singing. He was even singing it in the bathroom while going potty. He is such a character. We have been putting puzzles together, morning, noon and night. He loves the 100 piece puzzles, he didn't do them for awhile but now I have puzzles in the kitchen floor all of the time. Unfortunately for me and him, I can't put puzzles together very well at all. So, when it is just the two of us it takes forever, but when daddy helps, it speeds up the process quite a bit. Ryan's last soccer game is Saturday. If they get to play because of the rain. He has practice tonight but I don't think I am going to let him go. It is raining like crazy outside!

Elizabeth is trying to crawl, somewhat. She gets on her hands and knees, sways front to back, moves her knees, then falls because she won't move her hands yet. She will then push her self up on her feet with her hands still planted on the ground, so it looks like a triangle. She is to funny. She giggles and just talks and talks. She started baby food last night, it didn't go over so well. She definitely doesn't like carrots or squash. She made the funniest faces I had ever seen.

I forgot to tell everyone the other day when Ryan went to the doctor, he has gained 5 lbs and grown 1 1/2 in. in a months time. I think it was a growth spurt.

Thank you everyone for the support, love, and prayers you are sending our way. We appreciate it all. Please sign the guestbook to let us know you were here.

Please continue to pray for all of our caringbridge friends and their families. Please pray for the families of Cheyenne, Connor, Troy, Celeste, Maddie, Isaac, and Jake as they are facing the holidays coming up.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, November 8, 2004 5:22 PM CST

Hello everyone,

I am sure you have been waiting at the edge of your seat to hear the news.

Well here goes. It has shrank even more since August, the spots of necrosis have collapsed and are no longer there. Which is a good thing. He said there still may be cancer cells there that they can't see but for right now he is doing absolutely wonderful. We were so happy we almost cried in the doctor's office. I told Phillip I wanted to tell the whole world, he said wait until we get home and then you can on the journal tonight. So world, we are still going strong. The fight isn't over but we are on top of the game today. In the pictures you can't even see a tumor. I couldn't believe it, I almost asked if he was kidding. Well, anyone that knows me, knows I like to over analyze and ask a million and one questions about everything. I want to get every fact and answer I possibly can out of a situation. Well, Dr. Kuttesch today just put his hand on my shoulder and said, it is a good thing and just take it at that. I said okay. So that is what we are doing taking it at that and still living one day at a time. He is still on chemo and protocel, so things are going to stay the same as long as it is working and we have another MRI in January.

I really don't have anything else to say, except thank you for you prayers and support. They are being answered.

Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and their families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Thursday, November 4, 2004 8:49 AM CST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DADDY!!!!!

Today is daddy's birthday as you can tell. I tried to get him and Ryan to do the journal last night but they didn't want too. Ryan was really tired yesterday after he came home from school. He fell right asleep and slept for a couple of hours. He woke up and daddy was home, so they once again rode the 4 wheeler until it was to dark. They rode it in the mud and water, because it has been non stop raining for days. YUCK!!! Phillip said he laughed so hard and so did Ryan, they were MUUUUDDDY, when they came inside. We are dinner and afterwards, Phillip and Ryan decided to bake a cake. I am not much of a baker. So they did and as far as I know it was Ryan's first cake. He liked stirring the batter. After the cake was baked it was kind of lazy around here. Then it was bedtime, Ryan slept with mommy and daddy again. I was laying there and decided I wanted to tickle Ryan. I guess I found a spot on his belly because he laughed so hard and it was a down from your toes laugh, but then we decided to get daddy. So it became a tickle fest for a little bit. It was fun! But our little turd, we were all laying there almost asleep and he says, daddy I farted on you! Then he gets up and goes potty, comes back in lays down, we are all quiet once more, he says, mommy I farted on you! He giggles everytime he says this, I think it is one of those things were you have to be here to actually get the humor out of it. But he was really, really, really restless last night. I don't think he slept well at all. He woke up bright and early this morning, but he was laying on the couch and I said are you feeling okay today. He said no, I asked him what was wrong and he said he didn't know but he just didn't feel right. But he seems to be okay now, we played hide and go seek already this morning. I told him it was daddy's birthday, he said no it isn't, it is my birthday! Everyday would be Ryan's birthday if you would let it, because he sure would. I will try to update tomorrow morning but we are going to MIssouri this weekend for my grandmother's memorial service. So it will probably be Sunday or Monday evening before I update again.

Please pray for good results Monday afternoon. We have the jitters about it. Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and family. They are all very dear to us.

Love to all,
Andrea

Wednesday, November 3, 2004 10:42 AM CST

We have lost another caringbridge child. Troy passed away yesterday morning. Please remember to keep his family in your prayers as well as Connor and Cheyennes. I am at a loss for words about all of this devastating news. I can honestly say Phillip and I are very scared about our results on Monday. It has been a very emotional last few weeks in this house. We are certainly wondering what the future holds for our family. We had never met any of these children in person, but they were still apart of our daily lives. So, please, please, please go by their sites linked below and let their families know you are praying for them.

Sorry I did not journal last night to let everyone know how the MRI went yesterday. Of course we do not know anything yet and will not find out until late Monday afternoon.

Ryan did really well of course, because he is a champ. He was not liking the fact that he could not eat or drink, that really upsets him. He sure is an eater. He weighs almost 50 lbs now, and is soon going to be taller than I am if he keeps it up. He is my big ole boy. He woke up and ate 3 things of Teddy Grahams, then had his McDonalds, and some of daddy's fries. I wonder if he is going through a growth spurt.

We had a lazy night because Ryan has just become very exhausted and you can tell by his actions. He becomes very whiny and defiant. So, we watched movies and played a little bit, just games and cars though. But what he did do yesterday was help mommy vote. He went with me into the voting booth, thankfully though he didn't touch anything but was very curious.

Ryan slept right between mommy and daddy last night, per mommy's request this time. I was needing to cuddle with my little man. He is so sweet when he sleeps with you, because most of the time he gets really close to you and lays his head on yours, it is usually right under my chin so if I move my head a bit, I can smell him. Have you ever noticed that your children, mothers, grandmothers, everyone special to you has a smell? It is a good one and very comforting. Well, Ryan does and I love it, I wish I could bottle it up and keep it forever. So, I layed there last night holding my baby boy, loving him, caring for him, praying for him, smelling him, crying for him, and thanking GOD I was able to do it.

Please continue to pray for Ryan. Please continue to pray for KodyBear. I have a new prayer request and it is Rayanne. She needs extra prayers. Pray all of our caringbridge children and their families. Please pray for our troops.

I haven't told everyone thank you lately for everything. Thank you for the support, love, and prayers you are sending our way. It helps so much to make it a little bit more tolerable. Thank you for the time of coming to see us or sending us a card to make Ryan smile a little bit bigger. Thank you for the phone calls. Thank you for even the offers and attempts because we know you are there when needed. Thank you for signing the guestbook, because we know the support is out there. It makes us feel stronger, even when we are feeling very weak.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, November 1, 2004 10:15 PM CST

We have lost two very dear friends in just a matter of days. Please pray for Connor's family as they struggle with the loss of their sweet son. He joined our heavenly father at 7:40 this morning. Please continue to pray for Cheyenne's family as they are preparing for the services and yet dealing with the loss of the little pumpkin. Both of these children as everyone already knows have touched our lives forever.

Not a lot to journal tonight. Ryan is currently sleeping. He has his MRI tomorrow morning. I have been feeling sick to my stomach for days, my heart flutters, I have butterflies, it is just a combination of different things I am feeling at this point about this MRI. We will not find out the results until Monday afternoon.

Ryan rode his 4-wheeler again today for a really long time. He sure has taken a liking to that thing again all of a sudden. He rode it through the mud and of course now it is dirty, which he is very proud of, but he wanted to wash it tonight. He even took mom for a ride around the block, and scared the daylights out of me when he would go speeding for a bump and then slow down real fast. It was so much fun. Of course tonight, it was CandyLand again and again. He is such a mess, but doing very well.

Please pray for Ryan. Please pray for our caringbridge friends and family. Please pray for our troops.

Hug your children tonight and tell them how much you love them, watch them sleep and breath, thank God every moment of everyday that they are here with you on earth. I do, I try to get in as many hugs, kisses, I love you's, anything I can possibly get from my two babies in one day I do.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, November 1, 2004 6:04 AM CST

I did do a journal last night of how the weekend was, which was great because I was with my guys, even though I was missing my girl very much. I wanted to journal again this morning and let everyone know I am done feeling sorry for myself, because there are people with bigger problems than mine still.

My mind is just like going somewhere besides where it should be. I was getting Ryan breakfast, he told me what kind of cereal he wanted and of course, I got him the wrong color bowl and the wrong cereal. I set it in front of him, he gave me his look that he gives when he is not happy, and said What is this mom? I said breakfast, he said oh no it isn't. I told him I was very sorry and then got him the right bowl and cereal. He said thank you mom for getting me the yellow bowl and the right cereal. What a turd!!

I woke him up this morning to give him his medicine and he started crying that he wanted to go sleep in his room, after he cried last night that he wanted to sleep in our room. I told him that he wanted to sleep in our room last night what changed to this morning, he said I only wanted to sleep here one time not two, I said it is still the same time. He didn't agree with me, but it didn't matter because neither one of us couldn't go back to sleep so we got up and started watching cartoons. He is eating the right breakfast now and I am journaling, of course.

He goes back to school this morning. He won't have school tomorrow because of election day, but he has his MRI tomorrow morning. He has the follow up appointment on Monday. It is, as I have said before, going to be a long and stressful six days. We also have the memorial service for my grandmother over the weekend. So, please pray we have a safe trip to Nashville tomorrow, his MRI goes well, we keep our sanity, his headaches(as minor as most of them are)go away, he starts going to the bathroom better without it hurting, his knees stop hurting, and he just gets better all around and is able to live a normal happy childhood.

Please do pray for Cheyenne's family. I know how we are feeling about her passing in our house, so I can't even imagine what they are going through. Also, pray for Connor, Kody, and Troy. They are all going through trying times and need a little extra attention. Pray for our troops.

Please sign the guestbook as we all love to read who has come by to visit.

Love to all,
Andrea

Sunday, October 31, 2004 8:55 PM CST

UPDATE!
Okay it was like five minutes ago that I just finished my entry and it seemed pretty upbeat and happy. It was because I was Ryan, Phillip and Elizabeth. But I am absolutely miserable on the inside. I just sat here thinking about everything that is going on, I was awake until past 5:00 in the morning the other night just crying, praying and wondering why this all has to happen. Will this be my last Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas with my beautiful son? Is he truly going to make it through all of this? I tell myself everyday that he is, he is going to beat the odds, because you just can't give up, you have to always think positive, but it so hard when the odds are not in your favor. When he heard me talking about my grandmother passing, he said, I am going to die too. It was like knife straight to my heart. It was all I could do not to just break down and cry. He asked me why she died, I told him that she was old, because I don't want to tell him that she was sick because then of course he will definitely start thinking he is going to leave us. But then again tonight, just out of the blue he said it again. One evening he said the people are going to come and take him away. Tonight right before laying down, we were talking. I was giving all the hugs and kisses I could, and I said your never going to leave me right, he said no, he was going to leave me. I don't say anything about it much, I don't even tell Phillip most of the time when he makes comments like these, because it just upsets people, so that is why I don't write in the journals. But, it is absolutely tearing me up inside and out. I need more time, I need a lifetime, I am not ready to give up my son. I won't do it. By no means does any of this mean I am giving up or that he is not doing well, because that is not the case at all. Occassionally you just need to vent and get things off your chest.

Please don't forget Ryan's MRI Tuesday and our sanity, then we have to wait a gruesome six days to find out what they say. It has been very emotional for us here in the Brown household for the last few weeks, with the recent happenings and future appointments.

Thank you for your prayers last week. They were sure answered because Ryan had a sick free chemo week. It was tiring but sick free. He has been complaining of headaches more and more, it is in the same spot his headaches were prior to dx. He complains of his knees hurting a lot.

Love to all,
Andrea

PS Sorry if this journal was all over the place. It is just so hard to write exactly what you are feeling most days into words.
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Friday-Ryan was home all day with mom and dad. Ryan and I played Sorry. It is his new favorite game. Then Nana came down and we went out tricker treating. They did it three nights in the surrounding towns. Came home and pretty well went to bed. It wasn't a very exciting day.

Saturday-Ryan had a soccer game first thing in the morning. He wasn't feeling up to par, he said he had a headache. They were small ones because he didn't even take medicine for them. He was extremely exhausted and very irritable. But, we left for Louisville late morning and he fell asleep in the car and was so much better after his long nap. We stayed in a hotel downtown and were on the 11th floor. We were able to walk to the theatre because it was only 5 blocks away, you can't park that close. He was so funny and very excited. He danced, sang, yelled, and mostly smiled. It made me get tears in my eyes to hear all of those children laughing. It was a wonderful sound. His new thing to say is "Let's get this party started," well first thing Joe said was that exact thing, Phillip and I just looked at one another. Ryan was like hey I say that. Phillip and I knew more of the songs than Ryan, that is when you know you watch Blue's Clues way to much. We walked back to the hotel and on the way ate at a two story McDonalds, we can't hardly pass one without Ryan wanting to stop and eat, but he wants to eat inside. Phillip and I are so sick of McDonalds so Ryan ate and we waited until we got back to the hotel. We would have been better off with McDonald's. It was wonderful. I told him Thank you for letting me and daddy go with him to Blues birthday, he said oh your so welcome. We had a great time and he was so happy.

Sunday-We came home, it seemed like it took forever. First thing when we walked in the door was Ryan wanted to play games, so we played Sorry and CandyLand. We took pictures, Elizabeth and Ryan played horsie and it was very funny to watch her ride on his back. Thank goodness Nana got some pictures, maybe she will even put some on the webpage for everyone to see, hint hint. LOL. Nana had to go home and we didn't like that to much, but we never do. Phillip and Ryan took a walk around the block, but to my astonishment Ryan walked through the door to ride his 4 wheeler. I couldn't believe it, he hasn't wanted to ride the 4 wheeler forever, it is usually a fight to get him on it. He rode it around the house, the block and then in the field right by the house. He was so excited when he actually got it muddy. He wanted to go the places that daddy and Uncle Josh(our very close neighbor) go on the big 4 wheeler. We have it all on video tape and I hope you can here his comments on it too. He was like yess and great. He was smiling and having a good time, we then couldn't get him off of it. But we told him that we were going trick or treating again tonight. So, we went again tonight but only for a little over an hour before he was tuckered out and had to be carried back to the car. We kept asking him if he was ready to go home, he said to another house. So we kept on trucking until he said okay I am ready to go home now, but our loot was so big he couldn't hardly pick up the bag off the ground. He came home and took a bath, we played trucks for just a few minutes. He is now laying down trying to go to sleep with daddy by his side. But we were going to lay in his room, he started begging to sleep with us, right between us. How could we turn him down, so he is in our bed waiting for me to come cuddle with him too.

Please pray for Cheyenne's family, they are dealing with a great loss. I can't imagine what they are feeling at this point, but when we heard the news, I cried really hard for a long time. Even though we had never met in person, they have helped us so much and have touched our lives. I was so very glad to have them in our lives, but I wish it would have been under different circumstances. I would have loved to meet her on earth, but I will get to meet her in heaven. She meant a lot to Ryan, she always sent him candy, especially gum, it is his favorite. How she knew I don't know, or if it was just a lucky guess but either way he loved it all. She was one of the very first sites we visited and Roy was the very first person to contact us about Ryan. He was helped us through our continued journey. I just pray in some way I will be able to help them in the same way they have helped me. Thank you for everything you have done for my family, especially sharing Cheyenne with all of us. She has touched our hearts and lives forever.

Please pray for Kody, Connor and Troy. They are in need of your continued prayers.

Please pray for our troops.

Love to all,
Andrea

Saturday, October 30, 2004 1:39 PM CDT

I want to start by asking everyone to visit Cheyenne's page. Cheyenne has earned her wings and we all need to let her parents know they are in our prayers. Cheyenne was very special to Ryan. Even thought she was fighting her own battle, she was never too sick to let Ryan know she was thinking of him by sending him cards and gifts. Her Dad has always been a port in this storm for Andrea and Phillip, he was never too busy to help them. Thank you Roy for always being there. Thank you Donna and Roy for sharing with us the most precious gift in the world, your little pumpkin, Cheyenne.

Ryan finished chemo week last night and it seemed to go by without any complications. He doesn't seem to be as tired this week as he has others. After I arrived in Kentucky last night, we took the kids to Hopkinsville to go trick or treating. As everyone knows by now, Ryan was Spiderman and Elizabeth was a ladybug.

Ryan had his soccer game this morning. He did really well, but he did seem to be a little slower than usual and was not really into the game. But, considering this is chemo week, I think he did great. He performed like a soccer star. At least he is a soccer star in his Nana's eyes.

Andrea, Phillip, and Ryan are on their way to Louisville to see Blue's Clue's Birthday Bash. I am here with Sissy. We are going to have a girls weekend, you know diet coke, chick flicks, and popcorn. Maybe we will do each others nails, etc. Or maybe we will wait a few years for all of that. Sissy (Elizabeth) is sleeping right now.

Ryan has an MRI on Tuesday and they get the results next Monday on the 8th. Please pray for Ryan and his Mom and Dad. It will be a tough 6 days to wait on the results.

There are a few caring bridge kids that need extra prayers right now. Please say an extra prayer for Connor (tomorrow is his 10th birthday), Kody, and Troy. You can get to all of their sites through Ryan's friend site on this page. Please pray for all of the caring bridge kids.

Remember the troops that are on foreign soil defending our rights and the freedom we all enjoy. Give your kids a hug tonight no matter how big or how old they are.

Nana Sherry

Thursday, October 28, 2004 9:14 AM CDT

**NEW PICTURES**

UPDATE THURSDAY 9:57 PM

Ryan's party went really well, he came home with a load of candy from school. He said he had a lot of fun. He took a very long nap this afternoon and missed soccer because he said he wasn't feeling well and wanted to just sleep. So, of course we let him. But, he felt much better when he woke up especially when he had cards and packages to open that came in the mail. He was so funny, it was wow cool and I love it. Thank you so much to his angels for making him smile.

But, then the fun began tonight because we started carving pumpkins. All was going well digging the insides out and all that jazz, until a felt a glop of goo on the side of my face. Phillip decided to throw the insides of the pumpkin at me, it was war. Our good friend and neighbor was over helping us and everyone was able to join in the fun. Ryan was laughing and playing so hard with the throwing of the pumpkin goo, only he would sneak in and throw it then take off out of the kitchen. Needless, to say my kitchen had a big mess than a good cleaning. Of course, we got the whole thing on video. It was an absolute blast and everyone laughed and had fun. SO the mess was definitely worth it.

Ryan isn't so interested in carving the pumpkins though. He would rather tell us what to do. So, he picked out all of the patterns. He has been laying on the living room floor coloring with his new paper and markers, thank goodness they are washable because it is in his hair and all over his hands. He said I am trying to color and do my homework. He is such a mess.

It has been a very eventful and wonderful evening. Thank you all for everything. Please continue to pray for Ryan and all of the caringbridge friends. Cheyenne, Troy, Kody and Connor are in desperate need of our prayers.

Have a wonderful and safe Halloween! We will be at Blues Birthday party and then trick or treating.

Love to all again today,
Andrea
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Hello everyone!

We are home now. We will be leaving again Saturday to go to Louisville, Ky. to see Blue's Clues Live Birthday Party. Everyone is so excited.

Okay Ryan is doing really well this round of chemo. He is handling everything like a champ. Last night while we were laying down, Ryan out of the blue said, Daddy can I be a soccer star? We said of course. I told him that he was always a soccer star in my eyes. He kind of giggled. So, this morning he asked me how he looked and I said just so cute. He said am I still an angel, I said yes, my angel, he said well what about a soccer star? So, I told him he was my soccer star angel. So, he wants to be a soccer star and an angel. He is just to wonderful and cute.

He has his Halloween party today and is terribly excited about going trick or treating at school. I think we are going to carve pumpkins tonight.

Ryan has an MRI on Tuesday and the results on Thursday. Please keep him in your prayers. He also has two more days of chemo, so pray it stays good and he keeps tolerating it.

Please pray for our caringbridge friends, Kody, Troy, Connor, and Cheyenne. Please pray for our troops.

I will update later tonight or tomorrow to let everyone know how the party went, maybe I can even get Ryan to do the journal.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, October 26, 2004 9:19 PM CDT

Well, Ryan had another really good day in spite of being on chemo this week. Let's pray the rest of the week goes as good as the first part has.

It was kind of a lazy day for the Brown family. They laid around the hotel quite abit. Ryan did convince Mom and Dad to go swimming twice. They had dinner at Papa D's and even had birthday cake and ice cream. After Phillip gave Andrea her gifts from him and the kids, Ryan asked if she wanted the rest of her presents. She said, "Sure." He went running through Papa D's house looking everywhere for the rest of Mommy's presents. He walked back into the living room and told her he couldn't find them, so he dug in his pocket and gave her a penny. He said, "Here Mommy, here is the rest of your present from me. Happy Birthday!!" She told him thank you and she would keep it forever, he said okay.

They started their Christmas shopping today. Andrea said it was an absolutely wonderful day. Her words were, "It is
probably one of the best days we have ever had together." What a birthday present!!!!

Please pray for all of the caringbridge kids. Pray for the troops far from home defending our freedom. God Bless You All. Please sign the guest book.

KEEP BEELIEVING!!!!

Nana Sherry

Monday, October 25, 2004 10:17 PM CDT

Hello everyone - Just a quick note to let you all know that Andrea, Phillip, Ryan, and Elizabeth are visiting her Dad for a few days. Ryan took his first dose of chemo tonight for this round. This is round number 5 on the chemo. He did really good taking it and was in good spirits when I talked to him a few minutes ago.

They swam twice today and all took a nice long nap this afternoon. Ryan said they are at the hotel for his Mom and Dad's birthday and his birthday. Ryan has a birthday everytime someone else in the family has one.

Please pray for our family at this time when we have lost two loved ones. Please pray for Ryan during chemo week. As always, we hope you will keep the other caring bridge kids in your daily prayers. Remember to be thankful for the men and women that are away from home fighting for our freedom. God Bless You All and KEEP BEELIEVING!!!!!

Nana Sherry

Sunday, October 24, 2004 5:41 PM CDT

Andrea asked that I do a journal and let everyone know that her Grandma Jackie passed away this morning at 2:45. She would love to go be with her Dad, but it is chemo week for Ryan and most of you know what kind of difficulty that can be. Please pray for a good chemo week for Ryan and for Andrea, her Dad, and the rest of the family. Andrea's Great Uncle Billy passed away yesterday evening in Louisiana. Please keep Grandma Audrey and Uncle Billy's family in your prayers.

Well, Ryan still didn't get to go to the pumpkin patch. After soccer yesterday (Ryan cleated some little boy in the face, accidentally) they tried to go to the pumpkin patch and it was closed. So, they went to Chuck E. Cheese instead. Remember, that is Ryan's favorite place on earth.

Ryan has a costume party at school on Thursday and is he ever excited. His Spiderman costume is going to be worn out before Halloween, he wears it as often as possible.

Ryan has his next MRI on Nov. 2. Andrea and Phillip will get the results on Nov. 4th. It has to be good news, that is Daddy's birthday.

Please visit Troy, Kody, and Connor. They need extra prayers right now. Please pray for all of the caring bridge kids and for children everywhere. Keeps our troops that are far from home in your daily prayers.

KEEP BEELIEVING!!!!!!!!

Nana Sherry

Friday, October 22, 2004 10:17 PM CDT

Today Ryan was off of school. He is off every Friday, so it is a good break for him. So, it was kind of a lazy morning, but then daddy came home with the rest of the day off and wanted to do something fun. We decided to go and check out the pumpkin patch, well it was closed, it is only open on Saturdays. It was a big bummer and Ryan was really upset, but then we told him we would go back tomorrow after soccer and take him to a movie this afternoon. He was okay with it then. We went to the movies and saw SharkTale, he really likes he said so he wanted to watch it again even though he has already watched it with Nana. We then came home and have been straightening up the bedrooms, those seem to be the rooms that never stay clean or I never have time to clean them during the week because they are always the last one I worry about. Not a lot happened today, he has been feeling well, him and daddy are now sleeping. YEAH!

Tomorrow he has a soccer game in the morning. We are going to come home after the soccer game and then go to the pumpkin patch. It is supposed to be a nice day so hopefully it all works out for his sake.

Oh yeah, this morning after daddy came home, Ryan and daddy wrestled, it was really funny. I am so glad I had the video camera out, because Ryan was making us laugh so hard with some of the tricks he was doing and then Elizabeth was just staring at them like what the heck are you guys doing? She has become quite the little stinker, spoiled rotten. She has decided she doesn't like to sleep anymore, but she did fall asleep almost at the end of the movie today. She sat on my lap for most of the movie just staring at the screen intently.

Please continue to pray for our little munchkin. He has a big couple of weeks coming up and we pray he does better this time than last. Please also pray for our caringbridge friends and families, Connor, Kody, Troy, Cheyenne.

Please continue to pray for our soldiers.

Love to all,
Andrea

Thursday, October 21, 2004 8:32 PM CDT

I am going to start this journal off tonight by asking that you all pray for some dear friends of ours from the caringbridge gang. Kody Bear has shown signs of tumor growth and they are going to have to do surgery on Monday. Please go by for a visit and sign the guestbook. Troy is also experiencing tumor growth and in need of prayers. Connor is still in need of prayers. Please go by and visit these children and sign the guestbooks. They need a lot of support from everyone right now.

Ryan didn't have school yesterday so he spent the entire day with mom. We had to go get blood counts done for him and I had to have some blood drawn also. So, we both had to get needles, which made him feel a 100% better about having to get one. We then ran a bunch of errands until sometime in the afternoon. It was a busy day but not a lot went on with him. Phillip's new co (commanding officer) called us last night to welcome us into the new company. Because Phillip has been switching jobs like crazy lately with the Army redoing everything. So, Ryan wanted to talk on the phone, okay not a big deal. He told him Hi then what him and Elizabeth were going to be for Halloween, a few other things, just a normal everyday conversation. I told him to say goodbye. So Ryan says bye in a real low voice. I said to tell him where he could hear him, so he did and said, BYE SUCKER!!! We were so embarassed, which the co got a kick out of it and laughed. He told other guys at work about it, so they all had to give Phillip a hard time. It was funny after we realized he wasn't mad. So that was the excitement last night.

Today Ryan went to the pumpkin patch and had a wonderful time. He brought home a huge pumpkin. He came home and wanted to go with dad to get the oil changed in the car. So they did that and then went to soccer practice. Which apparently not a whole lot of people showed up for not even the coach, but they still practiced.

Ryan has been doing really good these past few weeks, ever since chemo week. He does have the next round starting Monday. He then has his next MRI November 2, then the results will be on November 4. Please pray for him extra hard these next couple of weeks, mom and dad too.

Awhile ago I told everyone about my grandmother being so ill. Well, she is in the hospital now and not doing very well anymore. Pray for pain to be eased and for my dad to make it through this trying time.

Pray for our troops, our soldiers are having a hard time with the holidays coming up and not being home. It is hard on them and the families for them to be gone this time of year. Pray for our cousin BJ who is currently serving his country in Iraq.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, October 19, 2004 10:01 PM CDT

Well, our little angel is sleeping. He is feeling good, right before he went to sleep he complained of a tummy ache. I asked if he was going to get sick or if it was a have to go to the bathroom tummy ache. He said no it just hurts.

He has been running around the house all night in his Halloween costume. Which by the way he is going to be Spiderman and Elizabeth is a LadyBug. He can't wait for Halloween. He woke up this morning and asked me if today was Halloween and could he please wear his Spiderman. I told him it wasn't Halloween but he could wear his Spiderman after dinner, which of course he remembered and it was on right away. We also decorated last night for Halloween and he is showing everyone in the neighborhood that drives by, it is so cute. He helped daddy put the lights on the deck and mommy put the stickers on the windows. He certainly is proud to show off his work. We are proud he is able to show it off.

He is off school tomorrow because the morning class is going to the pumpkin patch and the afternoon class is going to get to stay home. I told him tonight that he had to go to sleep so he could spend the day with mommy tomorrow and we would have a lot of fun. He smiled and kind of giggled. He will be going to the pumpkin patch on Thursday, he is very excited.

We didn't do a whole lot today. He came home from school and took a nap after eating pizza. He woke up and daddy was home, so he played outside for a little bit while we talked about our day. He and I then went for a walk/run around the block. But that is about the excitement for the day. It just seems like the days go by faster and faster. It is really sad to think about how little time you really do have in one day to do the things you want to do. You keep putting things off until the next day or the next, but usually they never get done because the days are to short to do anything at all. I can't believe it has already been 7 months since dx. The time has flown by, Elizabeth will be 5 months old on Sunday. She is just growing so fast and even though I am here everyday I feel as though I still miss out on so much. Our lives move at such a fast pace that it is going by so fast. I just want to hold on to them forever and never let go, but I can't and it makes me want to cry everytime I think about the future or even the present sometimes. I don't know what the future holds for our small young family, but I do pray that it only holds good and happiness for everyone.

Ryan has a MRI November 2 at 11:00 am. He starts his fifth round of chemo on Monday. Please pray he stays in good health. Pray he has a stable MRI, no tumor growth or growth of the necrosis. Pray this round of chemo is much better than the last, because it was just a bad week that go round.

Please pray for all of our caringbridge friends and their families. Please pray for our dear friend Connor Hunley and his family. If you would like go by his web site which is linked above and sign his guestbook. Ashley has a doctors appointment tomorrow about the paralysis of the face. Kody is having some really bad headaches. Cheyenne is having headaches also, and her parents want to take her off steroids. So, please pray they are able to do so and the headaches won't come back.

Pray for our troops in Iraq and other foreign countries. Also pray for your troops here on American soil too. Pray for our cousin BJ, who is serving his country on foreign soil. They are all very strong, brave and loved. They sacrifice a great deal to give everyone the things they have today. If it weren't for all of our soldiers, men and women, I don't know where this country would be today.

Please sign Ryan's guestbook as we all love to read the entries made and we like to know who stops by for visits.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, October 18, 2004 9:00 AM CDT

UPDATE 9:32 PM
---------------------------------------
NEW PICUTERS!!!!! Thank you Uncle Cory for sharing those with all of us. They made us laugh!!! So, I am sure you all had a treat with it in person.

Ryan had his first day back at school and he enjoyed it, but was very tired and cranky when he got home. They are going to the Pumpkin Patch on Thursday.

I forgot to tell everyone. Elizabeth rolled over this past weekend. She went from her back to her belly, she was finally able to get that arm out of her way to make it over. She has been trying for weeks and was finally able to do it.

Ryan asked me over the weekend, If he was old enough to say shoot yet? I told him no not yet. He then asked how big does he have to be, when will he be able to say it? I told him when he was as big as mommy and daddy. He then told us that it was going to be a long time then. If you could have only seen the look on his face when he was asking me these questions. It was funny!

Well, I just thought I would let you all know what today was like and since I wrote this morning, I thought I would just add it to the one I wrote earlier.
---------------------------------------Okay we are now back home from Missouri. We had to fight the wolves to get Ryan back home with us.

We went to see Phillip's family this weekend and go to the Colorfest. It was late Friday night when we got in and then we woke up Saturday morning to go and see the parade. Ryan absolutely loved the parade and got a lot of candy. Phillip said he got so much we should hand it out for Halloween!! LOL. Ryan was being a handful for mommy and daddy so he spent most of the day with Papa Bob. They had a lot of fun. It was a pretty uneventful day. We did see a lot of people that we don't get to see except for maybe once a year. Sunday we went to church and that was the first time anyone had seen Elizabeth.

Ryan is doing good right now, he hasn't been complaining of headaches except when he is really tired. Please continue to pray for Ryan and all of our caringbridge friends and family. Please pray for Connor and his family, his birthday is coming up and I am sure would love for everyone to send him a card in the mail.

Pray for our troops and their families overseas. Our soldiers from Ft. Campbell are getting ready to deploy again back to Iraq, they just got home in February from a year long tour of duty. BJ our cousin is over in Iraq right now, please pray for his safety.

Love to all,
Andrea

Thursday, October 14, 2004 10:58 AM CDT

Well, today is the day. D-DAY, as some might call it. The day I have to tell the whole world that i am going to keep him and no one else can have him, EVER!!! Or don't I wish. It doesn't take long to remember what a cute, loving, and special little boy Ryan really is. You just never know what he is going to say or do next, just be prepared because you know it will something to cherish.

Let's see, we picked hiim up from Nana Tuesday night and went to eat at Red Robin. Never guess what he ate...Chicken Strpis and French Fries. Ryan was being his normal chatter box self. We went home and played some games. We started to get ready for bed so he stripped down to his boxers and started showing us tricks by jumping on the couch and coffee table and making faces. I decided to get the digital camera to take some pictures. I think he should become an actor because once he saw the camera, the show was on. He started posing and dancing for us. I think we ended up taking about 40 silly pictures.

Wednesday, Ryan spent most of the day with Aunt Heather since I had to work. He went on errands with her and to work at the salon. He played UNO with all the people there and was an angel, of course. He told me later that they cheated and he doesn't like girls! With the weather so yucky here this week, we played games and action figures all night. BTW, Ryan wants to go to another baseball game this year so if anyone wants to donate tickets to any of the reminaing Cardinals games, i will be glad to take him.

Today, Ryan is again with Aunt Heather since she has the day off. I told her this morning that i was jealous becuase she has been able to spend so much time with him. They are going to one of her friends house so he can play with some other children. WE are supposed to give him back to MIMI tonight, but we will see...

Unfortunately, we didn't get to do anything too exciting, just hang out and play inside. He seems to have felt great the whole time with us and has been wonderful.

Please continue to pray and send all your happy thoguhts to Ryan and all his Caring Bridge friends as well as the men and women protecting us so that we have the freedom to sit at home with our loved ones.

Uncle Cory

Monday, October 11, 2004 11:20 PM CDT

Well, I finally have managed to get Ryan asleep for the night. He can be exhausting when you aren't used to him, but I wouldn't miss these opportunities for anything.

Another full day for our little guy. After playing games all morning, we went shopping for Nana some yarn to make chemo caps with. It only took a few stores and Brandon, Brady, and Ryan were tired of that game. So, we went to the park for lunch and to play frisbee. It was windy and cool in St. Peters today so we didn't stay long at the park.

We made a trip to the mall and all four of us watched "Shark Tales." Ryan said he didn't like it so much, but Brandon and Brady did. I think Ryan was afraid if he relaxed and enjoyed the movie, he would fall asleep.

After dinner there was another round of games, about 50 then he decided to watch a SpongeBob movie. We read some books and he is at last sleeping.

He is such a joy to have around. He has had all of us laughing alot the past few days. Thanks Mom and Dad for sharing him with us so generously. I know his time up here is time you don't have with him and we truly are grateful.

Sorry Uncle Cory, he says Brady is his new best friend. Ryan will be going to Uncle Cory's tomorrow night for a few days, so Uncle Cory and Aunt Heather will be in charge of the updates then.

Please remember to pray for Ryan and the other caring bridge children. Please say a special prayer for Conner, Rhonda, and Eddie as Connor's latest news was not very good.

Remember BJ and the other fighting men and women in your prayers, as well as all of our troops that are abroad and at home serving our country.

God Bless all of you. PLEASE SIGN THE GUEST BOOK!!!!!

Nana Sherry

Sunday, October 10, 2004 9:56 PM CDT

Hello everyone! Ryan had a very busy weekend. Mom, Dad, Ryan and Baby Elizabeth travelled to Crystal City, MO. on Saturday for the Charleville Family Reunion. There were about 90 relatives in attendance and it was a great day.

The food was outstanding, the company was the best in the world , but the love and support for Andrea,Phillip, Ryan, and Elizabeth was unimaginable. Aunt Sissy (Ryan's great great aunt) was the organizer for this year's festivites. She had the idea to hold an auction with the proceeds going to Ryan and his Mom and Dad. It was so much fun and the generosity of everyone there was OVERWHELMING!!!! Meme said it best when she said the only word she could think of was WOW!!!!

There are so many that deserve a special thanks and if I tried to name them I would forget someone. I don't want to do that so I will just once again say thank you. We had so many donations for the auction. Thank you Aunt Sissy for the red, white, and blue items that you brought. Thank you so much Jeff for the 1881 Silver Dollar. It is gifts like those that mean the most, gifts from the heart. For everyone that had the winning bids, thank you.

Ryan is visiting Missouri for the rest of the week. He is with me (Nana) and Meme for the first part of the week and then going to Uncle Cory and Aunt Heather's.

He stayed at Grandma Audrey's last night as did the rest of us and we had a really good time. Grandma's house may never be the same.

After playing hard at the park with Meme, Brandon, and Brady this afternoon we settled into playing Ninja Turtle Yahtzee, Jinga, and Sorry. He is now settled in for the night. Whew! I am not used to keeping up with a four year old.

It seems everywhere our little Buddy goes he touches the hearts of those around him. He certainly had that effect yesterday. His strength is amazing and he goes and goes like he doesn't have a care in the world. He touched Mom in a special way this morning. She asked him if he was her special little boy and he said, "No, I am your special Angel."

From our entire family, thank you for stopping by and visiting. Please sign the guest book. Remember Connor Hunley in your prayers. and the other caring bridge kids. Please pray for the troops in Iraq, especially BJ and for our military personnel everywhere in the world. Thanks for your prayers for Ryan, Andrea, Phillip, Elizabeth, and the rest of the family. I am asking for a special prayer be said this week for Denny Schumer and family as they look forward to the arrival of their new baby later in the week.

Nana Sherry
STAY STRONG AND KEEP BEELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, October 3, 2004 9:39 PM CDT

Hello Everyone,

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. My mom has been doing a wonderful job though. Thank you!

Ryan is doing really good today. We have only been out of the house to eat breakfast this morning. After Nana and Aunt Nae left, he was in quiet time. It took a long time for him to actually fall asleep but once he did we had to wake him up. I took a nap this afternoon also, man it just seems like this has been such a long and hectic week. I don't like those weeks that are so busy you don't even know what day it is anymore, we have more of those weeks now than before dx.

We went to the apple orchard/apple festival Saturday afternoon. Ryan played so hard on all of those blow up jumping play things. Whatever you want to call them. He seemed to have a lot of fun. We were going to pick apples but he was more interested in playing so we just bought the ones already picked.

He has been having headaches more and more lately. But, I am trying to convince myself it is just because of the protocel. All of these things you go through are so hard, because as strong as you try to stay in the back of your mind you are always thinking am I going to hear the awful news that the tumor is growing again. You sort of start to relax a little bit, but then bam something always happens to put you all tense and unable to sleep at night. ALWAYS!!! It just seems to be a vicious cycle. Thank the good Lord the head CT was clear on Friday. I honestly don't know what I would have done if it would have showed bleeding.

Please continue to pray for our baby boy. He is such a special and loving child, who would at even 4 yrs old do anything for anyone.

Please pray for our other caringbridge friends. Kaidrie is having an MRI on Tuesday. So, pray for good things for her.

Love to all,
Andrea

Friday, October 1, 2004 9:57 PM CDT

Good evening to all of our visitors - Mom and Dad are out having dinner with friends and enjoying an adult evening. Nana and Aunt Nae are here this evening.

This is chemo week for Ryan and it hasn't been quite as easy as the others. He took a few pretty nasty falls on Tuesday and another one Thursday, This morning he woke up REALLY, REALLY sick about 5:00AM. His legs were real wobbly and his speech was slurred. Andrea called the doctor and they wanted to see him right away to evaluate him. Well, thanks be to God, the CAT scan showed no bleeding in his brain or around his tumor. So, Vanderbilt sent him back home and he has been fine all day. Aunt Nae and I had planned to come down this afternoon, we just moved up our time to leave St. Louis by a few hours.

He fell a few times while on a walk with Aunt Nae (NO, Aunt Susan she didn't trip him)and he told her he was having a little trouble today. We have played soccer, baseball, he and Aunt Nae went on a short walk, and then he took Baby Elizabeth, Aunt Nae, and I on a really long walk. It felt like it was about 10 miles long.

He took his medicine like a champion tonight and was even able to tell me how to give it to him. Daddy had already given me detalied instructions. He is now asleep.

Tomorrow is a soccer game and I think he has alot of plans for the weekend.

Thank you for visiting, please sign the guestbook. Please continue to pray for Ryan and the other caringbridge kids. Keep the troops in Iraq in your prayers.

Love to all,
Nana

Monday, September 27, 2004 10:14 PM CDT

Hello everyone! I was asked to do the journal tonight because of a very special conversation I had with Ryan while we were on vacation. But, before I get to the conversation let me add to Andrea's words about our vacation. It was the most wonderful experience of my life. I had the kids, the grandchildren, wonderful nephews and their families in the happiest place in the world. Disneyland!

As I sat on the beach watching everyone play last Thursday, I thought this is exactly why Ryan wanted us all there together. Cory, Amy, and Andrea were playing in the waves. Tony and Brandon were in just a little shallower, while Heather and Phillip stood at the edge of the water letting the waves splash on them. Ryan and Brady were building sandcastles while Ryan buried himself in the sand. I sat with Elizabeth asleep in my arms. I have never felt so blessed in my life. Ryan knew when he kept asking to go to Disneyland that we needed this time together. I kept thinking of a line from the movie "Hope Floats" when Gina Rowland expresses her joy and how wonderful her life is at that point by saying, "My cup runneth over." And, my cup surely does runneth over.

Earlier that day Ryan, Brady, and I were sitting on the patio of the beach house. The boys were eating breakfast and we were talking about the plane ride from Missouri to California. I commented on how much I like to fly, but didn't like flying over water and when we leave LA we fly out over the ocean. Ryan looks at me with his wide eyed innocence and tells me the angels will be with us, we will be okay. But, then he told me that the angels were taking him home. I asked him how he knew this and he said the angels talk to him. He said these things so matter of factly, just like we should all be hearing messages from the angels everyday. By this time my heart was in my throat and I was fighting back tears, but Ryan clarified by saying the angels would be with us on our plane trip back home and we would be okay. He also let me know that the angels are coming to get him to take him home, but not for a long time. He said he talks to the angels all of the time.

Just in typical Ryan fashion, he saved me a seat on the plane from LA to New Mexico on Thursday. We had just taken off from LAX and just like I knew we would, we were flying out over the ocean. Everyone else in our group was looking out the window trying to see the area we had stayed in and looking at the ocean from WAY up there. Ryan started knocking on the window looking toward the wing of the plane. Then he started talking. When I asked him to repeat what he said, he looked at me and said, "Oh, I not talkin' to you Nana." He did this two or three times and as you can all imagine, I was beginning to think the angels were on the wing of the plane. Finally, I asked who he was talking to and with his usual Ryan candor, he looked at me and said, "Nana, I am talking to the helicopter over there."

Ryan had a doctors appointment today and it went very well. He has grown one inch and gained three pounds in the last month. He is still tolerating the chemo very well and they increased his dose a little bit. The doctors are still very pleased with his progress.

Please continue to keep Ryan in your prayers, this is chemo week. Also, remember the other caring bridge kids and all of the caring bridge families in your prayers. Ask God to protect the men and women fighting for our freedom in Iraq.

God bless each and everyone one of you. PLEASE sign the guest book, Ryan loves to have the entries read to him.

Love, Nana

Saturday, September 25, 2004 7:09 PM CDT

NEW PICTURES!!!

Okay our trip, I will try and make this as short as possible but be prepared for it to keep on going just in case, I can't.

Wednesday-We flew to California. Everyone did great on the flight, especially Ryan and Elizabeth. I was expecting a lot more out of them than anyone else, but they did just fine. We got out there and went by Christophers school and met his class. They told us about a burger joint called in n out, which was absolutely wonderful. A+ for all of you kids. When Chris was done at work, he drove us to the beach house. It was absolutely gorgeous. I mean it is even hard to explain how pretty it was, the upstairs was like a suite. It was only a few blocks away from the beach so we decided to walk down to the beach before doing anything else. Chris was playing with the boys, while mom and I walked behind a little bit with Elizabeth. Well, needless to say he couldn't hold them back once they saw the ocean, they took off, shoes and all in the water. We hadn't planned on playing in the water at this point, but we all did in our clothes. What a bunch of tourists! It was early to bed after our long day.

Thursday-We went over to Balboa Island and on the ferry to Balboa Peninsula and went walking for a little bit, but ended up at the beach. We played there most of the day, but the waves were just huge. It was not very calm, and most of us tried out the boogie boards until we were thrown around enough that we gave up. So we would just stand in the water and it ended up knocking a few of us down a time or two. Ryan and Brady built a number of sand castles and buried themselves in the sand a time or two. But it was just a beach day.

Friday-We went across again to the Peninsula and had a boat ride out of the harbor to see some celebrity homes and were able to see some huge sea lions on the buoy. It was really cool, they just stared at us like it was no big deal. I think a few even posed for pictures. The adults then went shopping in some of the little shops on the island, while Nana took the boys back to the beach because that is all they wanted to do.

Saturday-It was off to the aquarium in Long Beach. We were meeting Chris, Kasey and Taylor, but had a few surprise guests that weren't supposed to be there until late that night. Buddy, Debbie, Ashley and Tyler came up to surprise a little bit earlier than expected and what a wonderful surprise it was too. We spend most of the day outside petting the sting rays and leapord sharks. It was really cool. Ryan was more interested in playing in the water and than drying off with the dryer that looked like a sharks mouth. He did feed the birds in the cage though. He wasn't to interested in looking inside at all of the aquariums though. He liked the gift shop though, oh did he ever like that place. We all went out to the RainForest cafe, it was so fun. A guy was walking around making animals and hats with the balloons. Well, needless to say I think the adults were having more fun with that than the kids. We had a lot of hats walking around between the little kids and the big kids. Everyone was having such a good time and it was very obvious. We have pictures of them in their hats, I don't know if I will be able to get PHillip to post the ones of him though. We went back to the beach house and played some games, had a wonderful time there. A lot of laughs.

Sunday-Was football day for the guys and the girls met up with them later. It was kind of a lazy day, another semi beach day, not everyone went that day. We had a cook out where everyone came over to eat.

Monday-It was the big day. I don't even know if I am going to be able to tell everyone about this day. It was 18 of us going all together. We went on rides, took a lot of pictures, best of all had our picture taken with Mickey. We have a lot of autographs. Ryan said it was the best day of his life. He kept telling us over and over how much fun he was having and how happy he was to be there. He had a smile on his face almost all day long except for when he was tired. He rode the train off of Dumbo and it was just priceless the look on his face the whole time we were on it. The look on his face was priceless the whole time we were there. I was so happy he had such a wonderful time, it made it all worth it. Elizabeth was such a good baby to, throughout all of this, you really couldn't have asked for a better baby to be on a trip like this.

Tuesday-The beach, we all went out to the beach. But the water was to rough to do much of anything except stand in it. The guys tried boogie boarding but it didn't work out so well. So, then they just played a little football in the water and did a little body surfing if that is what you would call it. It was hilarious to watch them. The little kids just played in the sand, but that was even almost to hot to do. It was burning our feet to even walk on. Buddy, Debbie, Ashely, and Tyler had to go home that afternoon.

Wednesday-We went back to DisneyLand. We started collecting the pressed pennies for the kids and were able to get a few more autographs from the characters we didn't see on Monday. It was just kind of a relaxing day of shopping and goofing off. It was nothing to big, but we all had fun.

Thursday-We all had to come back home to the real world. All of us were able to show off our nice new tans and a few sun burns. The flight home was good too, most of us I think fell asleep a time or two because the week had worn us out so much. So, it was back in Missouri for us but not back into Kentucky.

Friday-We came back to Kentucky. On our way home Ryan was sleeping and he all of a sudden woke up and told me to pull over because he was about to get sick. Did he ever get sick? But it seemed like once he got sick he was much better and had a lot of energy again. He slept a better part of the way home along with Elizabeth and Phillip. He was excited to get here thought, about 20 miles out he woke up and said Mommy we are almost home, he would say it about every 5 miles, then when we turned down our road he was so excited. He was able to see all of the neighbors and show them his new stuff. He was tired though by the time he went to bed.

Saturday-Ryan's first soccer game was today. Daddy helped coach because we played on two different fields. It was hilarious and we were able to hopefully get it on tape but I was trying to videotape and hold Elizabeth who was trying to eat the camera, so it was not easy. I hope it turned out okay. He did great and had a lot of fun. We have been practicing soccer since we have been home too.

Please if anyone else has anything to add to our California trip do so because it becomes very hard to remember everthing that was done or said.

Thank you to everyone who continues to check up on us and prays for Ryan. We have our next MRI scheduled for November 2. He also starts his 4th round of chemo on Monday. Please pray that it goes very well this go round. He is our champ and we want him to stay nausea and pain free, because he tells us that he doesn't want to get sick anymore and he doesn't want his yucky headaches to ever come back. So, please please please pray for him. We want him to play professional soccer someday. Thank you so much for everything.

Please also continue to pray for our caring bridge friends and families.
Love to all,
Andrea

Thursday, September 23, 2004 10:08 PM CDT

HELLO HELLO HELLO EVERYONE

We are at least back in Missouri right now. We are not quite home yet, but will be again tomorrow.

I just wanted to write and let everyone know that we are back and I will update on our whole journey tomorrow or Saturday.

Right now, I just wanted to say a few things. We spent a lot of time at the beach and DisneyLand. We had so much fun, fun, fun! It was great. I am glad to be back a bit closer to home and I am sure I will be glad to be back at home, but I sure didn't want to come back to the real world. We were all sad to leave because it was just wonderful, relaxing at times but also very hectic. What are vacations for, Right!

Ryan is very exhausted, but doing very well. Yesterday more than today, he was tired. But he told us on Monday that it was the best day of his life, we went to DisneyLand. It was great! It made me want to cry.

I just wanted to say THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone who helped make this trip such a special one for our family and Ryan. It was so great seeing everyone while we were out there. Thank You Chris, Kasey, Taylor, Buddy, Debbie, Ashley, and Tyler for taking time out to see so much of us and making our time even better out there. It was just wonderful, there are not even words to express how grateful we are to you for the things you have done for us and the love you have shown us. It made the time out there so much better, especially Sunday night. I may have been asleep but that is all I have heard about since then, so it must have been a blast for everyone.

Thank you to everyone who has been signing the guestbook while we have been gone. I will have Phillip post new pictures up as soon as we get home tomorrow. I promise I will get caught up again with all of our caringbridge friends again. I have not had access to the internet for awhile so I haven't been able to check on anyone. I have missed you all so much.

Please continue to pray for Ryan. He starts his next round of chemo on Monday.

I will journal again real soon.

Love to all,
Andrea

Friday, September 10, 2004 8:13 PM CDT

NEW PICTURES OF RYAN!!!!

Well, Ryan's soccer practice was changed from last night to this evening. He had so much fun, it is all he talked about the whole way home. He just kept saying mommy I had so much fun today at soccer. He can't wait to go back. Ryan did a really good job for never practicing before, I mean he would goof around but never anything serious. We videotaped him and took pictures. Those pictures are now in the photo album. I was getting him dressed to leave and I put on his socks, they are as long as his legs. They fit him like pants. He just looked so cute as you will all see in the new pics. Elizabeth just watched him so intently, like she actually realized what he was doing. It was to adorable. He did come over and say he was tired a few times but just kept on truckin with them. I think he may be the youngest team member, most of the boys are getting ready to turn five and he just turned four. But you can't really tell they are any older because he is such a big boy. Anyways, we were all very excited. I loved watching him. I mean I played sports in school, Phillip played sports in school, but that was nothing like watching your child play something like this for the very first time. I am so happy that he wanted to do this, because it was him that wanted us to sign him up for soccer. I am so so so so very happy that he had fun and wants to go back. He only has 8 games and will miss one of those, so we are going to go to as many as we can because it is going to be a short season. He has his pictures tomorrow, so he is able to get all dressed up again.

Anyways, he is doing really well right now. He took like a 3 1/2 hour nap this afternoon, he said his belly hurt after lunch came and laid on my lap and ended up falling asleep. Tonight after soccer he has just kind of played light since we have been home, I think he is worn out.

Thank you so much for your prayers for Ryan. He is doing so well and we pray each and every day about a million times or more that he continues to stay well and can play soccer for as long as he wants too. Please continue to pray for his good health and energy, your prayers help him and our family so much. Please sign the guestbook as it is so meaningful to us to see who has stopped by to visit. He loves for me to read the entries to him.

Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends. Pray for the Florida citizens as they are having a very trying time right now with the weather.

We will be leaving on Tuesday for DisneyLand and will be gone for almost two weeks. YIIPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! It is going to be so much fun, we can't wait to get out of here and away from doctors, Phillip's work, school, and just leave everything behind for awhile. Of course, it will be nice to come back home, but the break is much needed for everyone.

Love to all,
Andrea

Wednesday, September 8, 2004 9:04 PM CDT

Hello to everyone!

I am trying my best to get on here and update as often as possible.

We had a great weekend with mom, Amy, and Aunt Nae. They stayed here while Phillip and I had some time to be with just each other. We actually went out to dinner without anyone else or our children. I don't even remember the last time that has happened for us. Thank you so much for watching the children while we had some alone time. It was wonderful, I didn't realize how much I missed it.

Ryan is doing really well. He has finished his third round and it went really well. His counts are still excellent. He is still going to school everyday and loves it. He comes home so excited about the days events, especially when he comes home with something to show us in his book bag.

We went to church tonight and when we left, Ryan said "Mommy I really love that church, I just want to keep going back." I told him, "Good, I love it too and we will keep going back."

Elizabeth is doing okay, we actually took her to the ER on Monday afternoon. She was just crying and crying, we couldn't do anything to pacify her. So, I just threw my hands in the air and said let's go. We went and waited, they told us nothing was wrong with her. They said it is just really bad tummy aches, so we put gas drops in her bottles and either wrap her up or use a heating pad on low for her belly. She seems to be doing a bit better with this method. She just seemed like she was in pain all of the time, and with Ryan being sick with this thing, we are so paranoid about either one of them. It was bad before but now it is like a 100x worse. But, she is ultimately fine and it is nothing that a little gas medicine can't help.

We are leaving for DisneyLand next week. How exciting? We are just excited beyond words right now about going. I can't wait to see how Ryan is with Mickey and everything he is going to see. I will definitely write as soon as we get back to let you all know how it went. We will post pictures ASAP too.

Ryan has his very first soccer practice tomorrow night. He has pictures on Saturday. He can't wait. It is all he has talked about today. My little munchkin is getting so big. He sometimes acts like such an adult, he certainly has grown beyond his years in a lot of aspects since all of this has happened to him. He is just amazing and I thank GOD for him everyday.

Thank you for praying for Ryan and our family. Please continue to pray for us and all of our caringbridge friends. I have been checking in on everyone and praying, but have not been able to sign the guestbooks, the internet keeps kicking me off everytime I try to sign one. So, everyone know I am praying for you always.

Please sign our guestbook as we love to read who has come by to visit. Ryan loves it when I sit down with him and read all of our new entries.

Thank you.

Love to all,
Andrea

Friday, September 3, 2004 5:07 PM CDT

NEW PICTRURES!! They are of Elizabeth, Ryan is being kind of touchy sometimes with his picture being taken. By the way daddy put them up, and you can tell too.

Ryan is doing really well. He is going to take his last dose tongiht for this round 3. He has done wonderfully, he was sick Thursday morning around 4 am, but I don't know if it was from chemo or from him coughing so hard it made him sick. But all in all he is doing great, sleeping more than usual. He fell asleep at like 8 pm last night, but Elizabeth didn't go to bed until 12 am. It seems as though one of them is always a night owl, they are taking turns too.

Not a whole lot to report today. Nana, Aunt Nae, and Meme are coming down this weekend. They are going to be Phillips and I relief, because it has been a very long time that we have not had children and been able to go see a movie or dinner just the two of us. So, hopefully we will be able to do that this weekend. I will probably not update again until Tuesday.

We pray everyone has a wonderful and safe weekend.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and all of the caringbridge children.

Love to all,
Andrea

Wednesday, September 1, 2004 11:05 PM CDT

My baby boy is sleeping now! He has been doing so well this round of chemo. He takes it like a champ. But, they seem to just be putting him on more and more medicine, granted some of it is only here and there and not everyday. But, he knows when things aren't right and there is more medicine there than normal. The past couple of days he is looking kind of pale with dark eyes. He doesn't look sickly, but just not healthy either. I don't know it is hard to explain. He has been falling asleep on the bus on the way home from school. He is a tired fella when school lets out, because then he will take about an hour nap after he gets home. I have been catching myself here recently just sitting there and watching him sleep. I think it is the most precious thing to watch him and Elizabeth sleep. I love them both very much and don't have a clue what my life would be like if they weren't in it.

We went to church tonight. Phillip and I are going to a class called Experiencing God Through Couples. It is a wonderful class. Well, some people got to talking about things that have changed there lives that you can look back on. We can't really look back on it yet, but we certainly had something that had changed our lives. It is only the second time we have gone on Wednesday nights, so they did not yet know our story. I proceded to tell it a little bit, and tried really hard not to cry telling it. I am trying really hard right now not to cry either. Sometimes when I tell people about Ryan, I can take it stride, but other times I can hardly get it out of my mouth. Phillip won't hardly even talk about it. There were a few wet eyes in the class. It is a hard thing to face because you really don't think about innocent children having to deal with all of this at such a young age or any age for that matter. They said something about praying for answers, the whole discussion Phillip and I just kept looking at one another thinking to ourselves about Ryan. If it weren't for the answers GOD has given us throughout this journey, I don't know where we would be at right now. He gave us the answer about what hospital to treat Ryan at, whether to do radiation, chemo, Protocel, basically our daily lives he gives us the answer because he blesses us every morning when Ryan wakes up for another day. He is the only one that can give us that and I thank him for it everyday. He has a purpose for Ryan, he has had a purpose for Ryan all along. Ryan has shown people a different light on life. He has done things for people that they never would have before if they didn't realize that things like this can happen to anyone. People pray for him that have never prayed a day in their life. He has not only touched our hearts, but he has touched the hearts of people that we have never even met. I just have to say that he is an amazing little boy. He is brave and strong.

When I was in school we had to write about our heroes, mine was my mom. But now I have to say that my ultimate hero is a 4 year old little boy named Ryan Douglas Brown. He has forever changed my life and continues to change it on a daily basis.

Phillip and I often talk about what we think we may have done if we had to go through the things he does, and I don't honestly think I could do it. I don't think I am as strong as Ryan. He does amaze me how he just takes everything in stride, granted he throws his fits about going to the doctor, but that is because of the needles. He is so sick of needles. But, I would throw a fit to if I had to see a doctor that much. We see our doctor more than we see our family. He takes his medicine the majority of the time without any trouble and has even started giving it to himself, except for chemo.

He gets so sick of me sometimes, because everytime he turns around I am just kissing on him. I love to smell his hair and kiss him, hug him, hold his hand, have him sit on my lap, I try my hardest to take advantage of all of it. We read every night together, and if I don't mention it, let me tell you he will remind you that we haven't read yet. Tonight Daddy read to him.

Well, I better get off of here, because this is probably all over the place tonight. But it is later than I am used to writing a journal, and it usually all sounds better in my head than when I acually put it down in the journal.

Please continue to pray for Ryan, we want his tumor to stay stable or even shrink, wouldn't that be grand. Pray for the necrosis to not grow any at all, to stay how it is. Pray he stays strong and fights for all its worth.

Please continue to pray for all of our caringbridge friends. Connor had surgery yesterday, please pray that he has a full recovery and the radiation gets rid of any cancer cells that may be left in his body. Ashley has her MRI tomorrow, so please pray that everything is stable with her.

Thank you all for you continued love and support. We love to hear from everyone that has stopped by to vist, so please sign the guestbook as it does mean so much to all of us.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, August 31, 2004 9:46 PM CDT

Ryan took another dose tonight and all seems to be going well. He seems to be tolerating it thus far. Hopefully it will stay that way. He played hard today at school and then when he came home. It is beautiful here and he has been taking full advantage of it. We took a walk down to the mailbox and back and he loved every minute of it. He loves to take walks, but it has been so dang hot down here that it doesn't cool down until after the sun goes down, so we haven't been able to take to many walks here lately. We still haven't heard anything yet, on when soccer practice starts. Hopefully that will be soon, because he asks me just about everyday when he is going to get to play. When I ask him what he wants to wear to school he always points out his soccer shirt. SO he is very anxious. His first game we will be in California, but I think he will take DisneyLand over a soccer game anyday.

Elizabeth seems to be feeling better, but still doesn't want to sleep. I don't know if she is just being stubborn or what. Her and daddy played for the longest time this afternoon, she actually giggled. I videotaped it, because it was just to cute. We were laughing so hard at her. She went on the walk with Ryan and I today, and I carried her in the Snugli. She loves that thing, because it is like I am holding her but I still have two hands free, those things are so nice to have, I love it.

So, really again today, not a lot to update on, just everyday kinds of things. It is all going really well. But still a day to day kind of thing, because one second he is feeling great and then the next he is in the bathroom, well you get the picture.

Please continue to pray for Ryan, that things continue keep going this well for him. Please also pray for our caringbridge friends, some of them are having upcoming MRI's. Ashley has an MRI on Thursday, her mom is having the MRI jitters. Mitchell had his MRI today, and his mom is going through all of the What if game, which is a very hard game to play when you have a child that is like these children. It is a very scary thing to go through, and the wait is just horrific. So, please pray all is well with there tests, and stop by to drop a line or two just to let them know that you are praying for their good results. We know that they can do it.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, August 30, 2004 9:23 PM CDT

Sorry it has been so long since the last update. I guess no news is good news.

Ryan is doing very well. He started his third round of chemo tonight. He went to the doctor againg today. Counts are good and he looks good they said. We don't have to go back for another 4 weeks. He still likes school and can't wait for soccer to start. He has a touch of allergies right now, but we have started giving him claritin. He is doing great except for his 4 year old tantrums, but we are working on those slowly.

Elizabeth seems to be feeling worse now than when I took her to the doctor. I am currently not satisfied with the answer they gave me last week. So, I think they will be seeing me again in a few days if she doesn't start acting better. She just looks like she doesn't feel good and cries like she is in pain. So, it has to be something. But I will let you all know how it all turns out.

Please continue to pray for Ryan. Please pray that he tolerates this round as well as the last two. Also, continue to pray for our caringbridge friends.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, August 24, 2004 9:08 PM CDT

Elizabeth has an upper respitory infection. So she is basically just full of snot. They gave us a decongestant and sent us on our way, told us to let it run its course. Really no big deal, but at least we know now why she wasn't feeling well.

Ryan had another wonderful day at school. His teacher called today and said he was doing great. He is such a big boy, he has been giving himself his medicine. We hand it to him and he puts it in his mouth. But now we hand him the syringe with the Protocel and he squirts into his mouth. He actually does better at it then we do most of the time. What a big boy!!!

Please continue praying for Ryan and all of our caringbridge friends.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, August 23, 2004 7:28 PM CDT

NEW PICTURES!!!!

We took some pictures of Ryan before he left for school this morning. He was so excited. He had a wonderful day but it wore him out. He came home and took almost a 3 hour nap. His knee is still bothering him, he limps a little bit every now and then. But his first day was good, he came home with a new book. So, he was happy about that, he loves new books to read.

Elizabeth is still not feeling well, very fussy. So, I have an appointment made for her tomorrow morning. She is three months old today, I still just can't believe it. It seems like our summer has just flown by, the time goes by faster the older you get, I wonder why that is. I remember when it seemed like summer just dragged on and on. But now you blink and it is already over with and you didn't even really get to enjoy it.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and our family. We thank you all so much for you prayers and support, it has helped us out so much. Please sign our guestbook, we love reading our entries.

Please continue to pray for all of our caringbridge friends and their families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Sunday, August 22, 2004 11:05 PM CDT

Tomorrow is the big day! Ryan is all ready to go. I just spent one and a half hours filling out paperwork for him to be able to go to school.

Let's see what did we do today!!

Phillip has been at work since 6:00 am and will be there until 6:00 am tomorrow morning. He is on guard again. We are happy to report that since the military is doing this new thing with the units and his battalion is disbanning, we will not be going anywhere. He is going to stay put in Ft. Campbell. Not that we had any doubts, but we weren't exactly sure what his orders were going to be because a new infantry unit is coming in and everything is getting moved around but he is staying but in his unit, so he will not have to go through explaining our situation all over again to new commanders. It makes it a lot easier on all of us, especially him. The army has been so good to us throughout all of this, they have there moments but what doesn't, it is just a long process. His commanders are the best though, and anything he needs it gets done.

Ryan has been playing outside all day long. He has gone non-stop from this morning. He came in tonight about 8:00 pm, and was filthy dirty. When he came in he was walking funny, so I asked him if his feet or ankles hurt, because they have been lately, he said no it was his knee. I told him he had to take a bath, I thought it would make him feel better, well he didn't want to, but in the end mom won. He said he wasn't dirty, he got in the bath tub and said man mom I am dirty, sorry I forgot. It was so funny the way he said it. He fell asleep early tonight because he was mad at me because I wanted to give him his medicine. I don't know why because it has been so long since he has fought us about taking it. He has been so good about it, so he covered his head up and ended up falling asleep without taking his medicine. He did say right before he fell asleep that he didn't feel good. Last night, he was sick again just a little bit though. It was nothing like last Saturday night, thank goodness. I almost wonder if it is not lysing from the protocel because he has been getting pimply places on his forehead again, which is a good thing.

Elizabeth has a head cold and is very cranky. She has a snotty nose and is coughing. She is hasn't slept very well today, and all of her food has come back up today. So, I have a feeling I am going to be taking her to the doctor tomorrow. She is asleep now, but I can here her coughing through the monitor. She got sick all over herself while lying in bed, I didn't want to leave Ryan in the bathtub by himself while I went into the other bathroom to give her a bath, because she needed one really bad. So, I asked Ryan if sissy could get in with him for a minute, he said sure. Ryan and Elizabeth took a bath toghether tonight. It was so cute, except for her crying and Ryan saying mommy make her stop. I think that was the cute part.

Me, what did I do today. I cleaned my living room to pass the time. I washed the walls, cleaned the furniture, cleaned the carpets, washed the windows, and the mini blinds. It looks like I have new furniture, basically a whole new living room. I started this morning and it took me until Ryan came in from playing, granted I took some breaks, but it is cleaner now than when we first moved in, I think. I couldn't do much spring cleaning, so I must be making up for it now. I told Phillip I was not cleaning again for the next year. But I now have a very clean living room and it did pass the time very well.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and our family. We love to read our guestbook so if you have stopped by let us know by signing it.

Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends. Harlie is having her MRI on August 29th. She has an appointment with the doctor on Tuesday. David is having surgery tomorrow for his port. Cheyenne starts another round of chemo. Ashley has an MRI on September 2nd. Kody has been having some bad headaches and will have to have a CT scan this week, please pray his family gets the answers they need as to why he is not feeling well. He just had a birthday, so stop by and wish him a happy birthday. Kyle's birthday is tomorrow, so please stop by and wish him a happy one.

God Bless Everyone!

Love to all,
Andrea

Saturday, August 21, 2004 8:08 PM CDT

Hello all,

Ryan is officially a soccer player. We bought his cleats today. He is registered and has a shirt. He is so excited, he wants it to start tonight. The first game is September 18th and it is every Saturday until November 13th. Phillip and I are just excited about him playing as he is, as soon as I saw his jersey, I was ready for the season to begin. The part of all is that with this league we didn't have to go through all of the stuff Ft. Campbell was putting us through. Because they didn't even know if he would be able to play on their league because he is a special needs child and they lost his paper work for enrollment. I was supposed to registar him yesterday but I had to wait for his enrollment to go through, and like I said they lost his papers so I couldn't register him and yesterday was the deadline. Anyway we have him playing somewhere else now so we don't have to fight with Ft. Campbell anymore about him being able to play.

He starts school on Monday and can't wait for that either.

Phillip will be here for his first day back to school because once again he has 24 hour guard again tomorrow until Monday morning. So, he will be here. We are starting to get really used to him having guard every 3rd to 5th day. But it is okay because all of our neighbors take care of us when he is at work like that, they cook dinner for us when he is at work. So him working like that gives me a break.

Elizabeth will be 3 months old on Monday. I can't believe it, she is getting so big. I am going to turn around tomorrow and she will be 4 years old, because it seems like Ryan was that old in a blink of an eye.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and our family. We are so grateful to all of you for all of your love and support.

Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and their families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Thursday, August 19, 2004 5:13 PM CDT

Well I am sure my mother called half of the country already, but for those of you who do not know yet. Ryan's tumor is stable. They are very please with these results as are we. Dr. Kuttesch said this is what we wanted, this is what we have been working for, is to make it stable. YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! He said he could live like this forever, if the tumor doesn't start growing. So, we are not exactly out of the woods but we are so happy. We are going to keep everything the same, chemo and all of his meds. He is still on Protocel and we are not going to change that either because something has to be working so keep it as it is and hopefully nothing will change ever, unless it gets better. He does have a spot of necrosis which we have to watch very closely but that did not change from June until now. It is just something to be cautious of, but not an immediate concern since it is unchanged.

We prayed for the best and we received the best!! Thank you all so very much for your support with the wait and especially the prayers from everyone everywhere!! We definitely could not have made it this far without any one of you!! We love you all so very much!!

Ryan starts school on Monday! YIPPEE!!! He can't wait!!

Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends, as they need for GOD to answer their prayers as he has been answering ours. Keep the faith!!

Love to all,
Andrea

Wednesday, August 18, 2004 10:22 PM CDT

WAITING! WAITING! WAITING!

It is the game we are playing today. I think the day between the MRI and the results is the longest. To make things a little bit worse, Phillip is on 24 hour guard again tonight. It is beginning to be at least a once a week thing for him to have to do this. I don't mind sometimes because it is all apart of being in the military, but sometimes they schedule this at the most inopportune times. I feel so sorry for him because I can at least sleep to pass the time, he has to stay awake all night and think about it. He also always seems to get guard on bath nights. I think he plans it that way.

Elizabeth and Ryan are both asleep with a fight from both of them. Neither one of them wanted to go to sleep tonight. Ryan was watching the Olympics, the mens gymnastics. He wants to know how they do all of those tricks. I told him a lot of practice and exercise to make them strong, so he gets down on the floor and starts doing his version of a push up. It was the funniest thing, only he doesn't want you to watch him exercise. So you better not laugh, or he gets really upset. He said he is as strong as those guys. He also said daddy is stronger than the guys that can do tricks. He was just so talkative tonight and it was so cute to watch him, watch the games. He liked everyone, especially China because they had a yellow and red uniform, those are his favorite colors. He is such a riot!!

Well, we will update as soon as we can tomorrow. Please continue to pray for GREAT results of the MRI!! THank you so much for everything from everyone. Please sign our guestbook as we love to read our entries.

Please continue to pray for our caringbridge friends and families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, August 17, 2004 9:35 PM CDT

Hello all,

Not a whole lot to report since we won't know the results of the MRI until Thursday morning. I will definitely let everyone know as soon as I have the chance after we return from the doctor. Our appointment is at 8:30 am.

Ryan was really good today, until we told him where we were going and then he cried himself to sleep. He didn't want to go to the doctor and get needles. He doesn't like doctors and he doesn't like needles. So, he ended up falling asleep but as soon as he woke up he started crying again because we were in the parking lot of the hospital. We tried to get him to yell at the top of his lungs to make him feel better, but he wouldn't do it. But Phillip carried him into the hospital, he was better, especially after we found a wagon for him to ride in. We went back and they accessed his port, he went in to the scan room, got his dizzy medicine. He fought that for all that it was worth, he did not want to go to sleep at all today. I have never seen him fight that medicine like he did today, but of course it won. We kissed him on the forehead and told him that we loved him very much, waited for them to come and get us. We went back to his bed for recovery, he woke up, ate a snack and we went home. The hardest thing for Ryan is not being able to eat because of being sedated, it really stinks and you would think they might make the appointments earlier in the day so it isn't as hard on the child and the parent.

He has been playing outside from the second we pulled in to the driveway. It seems as though that sleep he had this afternoon gave him a really big boost of energy.

He starts school on Monday, he wanted to go so bad today. I kept telling him his school is closed for a little bit longer, he said well why do all of the other kids around here go to school then. It was kind of hard to explain to him to where he would finally listen but he did and all is well now that he gets to start school soon. He has a new backpack and he is so excited about it that he shows everyone when they walk through the front door.

Please continue to pray for good results on Thursday. We thank everyone so much for everything they have done for our family. Please sign the guestbook so we know that you have stopped by, it means a lot to us.

Please continue to pray for all of our caringbridge friends and family.

Love to all,
Andrea

Sunday, August 15, 2004 10:10 PM CDT

Hello all,
Well Ryan felt just absolutely wonderful this morning. He had a good nights sleep between mom and dad. I was so happy. He played baseball this morning with Miki. We left Papa Denny's today and he was so upset. Ryan took rocks home with him from Papa's house, so that he would always remember his house because he was afraid he would forget. So we now have like 20 rocks in the Tahoe from Papa's house. As we were getting ready to leave, we were all outside ready to go and Ryan said my dog I need my dog. So we unlocked the door and looked for Miki. We looked for like 15 or 20 minutes and still no Miki. Ryan was getting so upset because we couldn't find his dog. We looked all over, finally we looked under the couch and under the recliner, he was stuck under the recliner, but didn't make a noise when we were calling for him. Ryan was so happy that we found him.

On our way home we stopped at the Warrenton outlet mall because this is tax free weekend in Missouri for clothes and supplies. We went school clothes shopping for Ryan and bought some clothes for Elizabeth. He had a lot of fun, he is definitely my child when it comes to shopping. He absolutely loves it. So all was well today.

We think that he may have been lysing last night from the Protocel. It was really scary because he was so sick, but I don't think it is anything to be concerned about now that I have calmed down. I am so sorry for being so over dramatic about last night. I was just so upset about the whole thing, because he looked like he did before diagnosis. But he was perfectly fine today and acted like nothing even happened last night.

Thank you so much for praying for Ryan and our family. Please continue to pray for Ryan, he has is MRI on Tuesday at 2:00 pm. We will find out the results on Thursday.

Please continue to pray for all of our caringbridge friends.

Thank you everyone for your continued support, prayers, and love. Please sign the guestbook as we love to read it very much, it means so much to us to see who has been visiting.

God Bless Everyone!

Love to all,
Andrea

Saturday, August 14, 2004 10:49 PM CDT

We are at Papa Denny's house right now. I wasn't going to update until we were home tomorrow or Monday, but I had too.

I guess you can only go so long with the good before you have a bad day. It started off awesome, we went and played at Miner Mikes and played to games of Putt Putt golf. We saw Uncle Pop Bill, Jody and Princess Emily at a gas station just by luck. It was such a surprise to see them too. The day was great couldn't have asked for a better one. On the way home Ryan said, Mom I had so much fun today playing golf. I was so happy I wanted to cry, but of course didn't. We got home, he colored for a bit,and then took his bedtime medicine. He even gave himself his own Protocel for the first time. Dad and Phillip stepped out for a few minutes. I had just gotten Elizabeth down, then it all began. About 10:00 pm, Ryan said mommmy I have a headache, he wanted something warm on his head. He couldn't hardly keep his eyes open and he looked kind of puny. I told him I thought it was time to lay down for a bit if he didn't feel good. I warmed up a small pillow in the microwave for him to put on his head. I mean as soon as he tried to lay down, he threw up, I picked him up he ran to the bathroom and threw up in the door way. He was so sick in the toilet, it was coming out everywhere. I just kept rubbing his back and told him he was such a big boy. He didn't cry once, and I mean he threw up a lot, and then started dry heaving. I felt so helpless, he was done I washed his face. He said mommy I don't want to get sick anymore. I told him I know. We sat in the bathroom with him on my lap and he curled in my arms, like he was a baby again. I just wanted to cry so bad, but I didn't because I didn't want to upset him. He just looked so yucky, I can't even explain to anyone what he looked like, his eyes were all droopy, he was talking but not clearly and he wasn't making any sense at all. It really was heartbreaking and I couldn't do a dang thing except hold him as tight as I could. We went into the living room and I was holding him in the rocking chair and he said mommy will you hold me like you hold sissy, pat my back and rock me. So, I did, he fell asleep in my arms tonight. I just carried him off to bed.

The thing that bothers me the most about this whole last hour is, it is the way it was before diagnosis. I was so scared and a million and one things were running through my head. Tumor growth, chemo just now making him sick, Tumor growth. It has been on my mind because of the MRI on Tuesday. You try to stay so positive all of the time, but on the same note you never know what it is going to say and you are scared it won't say what you want it too.

We were doing so good without headaches, nausea, or any of those things. It was like things were almost getting back to normal, but it can't stay that way for to long. Because your heart has to get taken out of your chest and stomped on every once in awhile. It can always be good right. Sorry I am playing the drama queen right now. Phillip and I were letting our guard down just a little bit, letting ourselves not think all of those negative thoughts, live life a little more, but now it has changed. I know it was only one night and it may not mean anything at all, it could be he had a long day, it could be he ate to much, it could be any number of things not related to this tumor. But not very many people saw Ryan when he would get his headaches before diagnosis like I did. Phillip was in Iraq or work, everyone else was in Missouri. It just really brought back a flood of memories of the last 9 months or more. I felt so sorry for him and wished I could have taken his place. I am a big person I can handle it, I don't like to see him have to go through any of this crap. He is supposed to be young and carefree, instead he has to go to the doctor at least once a week. How fair is that?

Anyways, I better get off of here and go check on my baby. He is going to sleep with me tonight. Please pray for Ryan. Please pray for his MRI on Tuesday.

Please continue to pray for all of our caring bridge children and their families.

Sorry for being such an over dramatic person tonight. Hopefully I will be much better tomorrow or Monday when I update again.

God Bless Everyone!

Love to all,
Andrea

Wednesday, August 11, 2004 10:06 PM CDT

Not a lot to update tonight. Phillip is on 24 hour guard today, he will be off in the morning. It really stinks because then he is so tired the next day no matter how much we try to let him sleep.

Ryan is doing really well, except for his 4 year old temper tantrums. But, what can you do? He gets over them really quick usually, especially when we just ignore them. His teacher is coming to visit us on Monday to get him enrolled in pre-school for this year. I bet he will be so excited. I requested that he have the same one this year as he did last year. She is just the sweetest person you will ever meet, and she started this whole thing with us. We have had many talks, so she already knows everything. I don't want to have to go through it all again right now. Ryan loves her very much and talks about her all of the time, so he will be surprised to see her.

We are going to Missouri this weekend to visit my dad and grandmother, so if you don't hear from us for a few days check back on Monday. It is going to be a long drive but worth it.

Don't forget that Ryan has his MRI on Tuesday at 2:00 pm. Please pray they find nothing there, wouldn't that just be absolutely wonderful. We wouldn't be completely out of the woods, but at least one step closer.

Please pray for all of the caringbridge children, and the children and families who are sick but dont have access to the internet, so they may not have the widespread support system that we have here.

Please sign our guestbook as we love to read all of our entries daily.

God Bless Everyone!

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, August 9, 2004 7:15 PM CDT

We have new pictures in the photo album. I just thought I would let everyone know.

I don't have much to report today. Ryan's tummy ache went away and he has been picture perfect healthy today. It has been a really good day. We have put puzzles together almost all day and played with balloons. Him and Daddy are watching Top Gun right now.

Don't forget we have an MRI on August 17 at 2:00 pm and we will let everyone know the results on the 19th when we find out. I think they are going to be just fine, I am not quite as nervous this time as I was in June when he had his first one after radiation. It was really scary.

Thank you again for all of your prayers and support. Please continue to pray for Ryan and all of our caringbridge children.

Please sign our guestbook as we love to hear from everyone.

God Bless Everyone!

Love to all,
Andrea

Sunday, August 8, 2004 9:44 PM CDT

Okay, today was a much better day as far as Ryan's mood was concerned.

We started a new church this morning and we really liked it. Ryan said he wanted to go back, so there you have it the boss has spoken. He had his own children's church throughout our service and came out with a picture. He was so excited when we walked and he was such a big boy with his very own big boy bible. He had to show everyone. They welcomed us with open arms and were so nice. It just felt right. It seemed to have a lot of military, and a lot of people around our age. So it was more geared to the younger generations. The early service is more conventional they said. So, I think we will stick with the late service for now. Phillip and I are so glad that we went, our parents are too.

Ryan has had kind of had a down day today, he hasn't really felt very good. He didn't eat much all day long, which the first few days after chemo he doesn't seem to have much of an appetite, granted this was only our second time, but he does seem to be developing a pattern. He played outside a bit, but kept coming inside after just a minute or two said he was tired and needed to take a break. Well, we went out to a birthday party and he took a nap on the way there. I think he had his second wind because he played hard. On our way home though he was in pain, because he kept saying his belly hurt and that he didn't feel good. He didn't really cry or complain but you could tell by the look on his face that it really hurt bad, we asked if he wanted to go to the doctor, of course he said no, he just wanted to go home. So home we went, he came inside and fell right asleep on the couch and has been that way ever since. He has stirred a few times but nothing to wake him up. So, I guess he needed some sleep and hopefully he will feel better in the morning, hopefully he doesn't wake up at like 1:00 am and want to stay up all night long.

Thank you so much for praying for Ryan and our family. Please continue to sign the guestbook as it means so much to us.

Please pray for our caringbridge friends who are going through battle of their own, and the families who have lost loved ones in their battle.

God Bless Everyone!

Love to all,
Andrea

Saturday, August 7, 2004 9:22 PM CDT

You know sometimes it is really hard to start these journal entries because you never quite know what to say sometimes, but once you get on a roll you just can't stop.

Ryan slept later than usual today, actually we all did. I am sure it was much needed by all of us. We played with the puzzle, he rode his scooter, and then him and dad went to get their hair cut this afternoon. We then got ready and went to Chuck E. Cheese. We have decided to do something fun with Ryan each time he finishes his chemo treatment, last time it was staying in the hotel over night, and this time he wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese. He had a lot of fun until we had to leave. I like going there but to get him out is usually a big ordeal. So, that is when it all started with Ryan and his moodiness this evening. We had to go to Sears to get a birthday present and to also pick up the kids pictures we had taken a couple of weeks ago. He was so mad because there were no toys, then we wouldn't buy him anything. He sat in the middle of the aisle and cried, screamed, yelled at us, kicked his feet. Oh, were we getting looks. We then made him come with us to the check out, and he is continuing to cry hard and loud, the people in front of us just kept turning around to look at us, so finally I took him by the hand and carried Elizabeth, to the door. He just dropped to his knees right in front of the door, if I hadn't had Elizabeth than I would have picked him right up and carried his little butt outside. Phillip came to the rescue and in a very stern voice told him he better get up right now and go out to the car. He then got up we went to the car, he is crying the whole time, everyone is staring. I wonder if people thought I was trying to take him or something. I got them both in their car seats, he kept telling us we were mean, and why were we so mean. We have learned to ignore him to a certain point when he starts to act like this, I had to call my mom because I just didn't know what to do. Phillip and I were both so upset, because we know a lot of it is he just doesn't feel good. He is doing good as far as his health is concerned, but he just doesn't seem to be doing where his personality is concerned. I can say that a lot of it is him just being four years old, but not all of it and you can see that in him. You can't blame all of this on his age, he doesn't feel good and is tired but wants to do things like a normal kid. It tries your patience as a parent with any child, healthy or ill, things are just so frustrating and complicated. But this is now our daily life, full of medicine, doctors, blood draws, MRI's, any other test the doctor decides to perform and a numerous amount of other things. You are always on your toes because sometimes you just don't know what is going to be next. Like I said right now he seems to be doing wonderfully health wise except for being tired more now than he has been for the last few days, but it is his personality that is right now sometimes very trying for us. I know this is not exactly what you all wanted to hear about, but it is what is going on with Ryan right now and his life.

It has nothing to do with Ryan, but tonight I noticed a little boy in a wheel chair at Chuck E. Cheese. I felt so sorry for this little boy, because he was able to play the games, if he would have been able to get close enough to them to play them. His father had to take him out and put him back in his chair, finally the boy was tired of this and wanted to be just pushed around which isn't easy either. They are not very handicapped friendly. He tried so hard to do what he wanted but it just got to be to much it seemed. It was heartbreaking because as I am sitting there I am thinking to myself, if Ryan would ever become wheel chair bound, he would not be able to go and enjoy the one place that makes him happier than any other. The one place that when he is sick or really down makes him smile that big Ryan smile. I had never thought about that until today and never even noticed it until today.

Ryan is now sleeping, Elizabeth too!

He made the front page of the Kentucky New Era. A journalist Melonie Leazer has been working on his story for over a month, so she could get it just perfect. It is great, it made Phillip and I both cry. Especially the last little bit. Please go and visit their web site and you will find it there, I don't know if it will still be up tomorrow but it is tonight, www.kentuckynewera.com. She is such a wonderful woman, and we loved talking with her about our last few months of cancer life.

Tomorrow morning, we are going to try a new church here in Oak Grove.

Thank you for your wonderful prayers for Ryan and our family. It means so much to us the support system we have acquired throughout our journey, and it seems as though it just keeps growing just about everyday. It is amazing the stories you here from other people, and the way they tell you one little boy whom they usually have never physically met has changed there life. We knew he was special and strong from the start, he is now proving that to all of us.

Please pray for our other caringbridge friends and there families. They love for people to come and visit.

Please sign our guestbook as we all love to read the entries and know that you stopped by, no matter if it is just a hi or thinking of you. I do know that sometimes you just don't know what to say, even though we are all going through similar situations, you still just don't know what the right thing to say is, and there is no right or wrong, it just makes us feel better and a little bit stronger when we can see the people out there who are helping us through this battle.

God Bless Everyone!

Love to all,
Andrea

Friday, August 6, 2004 10:50 PM CDT

HOORAY! HOORAY! HOORAY!
We have the internet finally. Our computer is fixed again, and we now have new internet service. It is so fast, it only takes a blink of an eye now instead of an eternity.

I have written three journals today and somehow have erased all of them, so hopefully I will finally get this one out. Phillip said, you are the only person I know who can write for an hour and then erase everything without even knowing how you did it. He was laughing at me, thankfully I didn't get as frustrated with it today as I usually do. Computers are so frustrating and the internet is even worse. Anyways, enough about all of that stuff.

Ryan's last dose of chemo was tonight. It was his second round and all seems to be well. His blood counts have been great and he is just so full of energy. He is wearing me out. We play non-stop all day. I am so relieved when some of the neighborhood kids come around and occupy his time for a few minutes. Then I pass the torch on to Phillip when he comes home from work. We wrestle, play games, video games, color, wrestle some more, take walks (when it is not raining), all sorts of things. We signed him up for soccer. He can't wait, it will start the end of this month. He will start pre-school again on Aug. 23. He is so excited about that also. I love to see him so full of life. I treasure all of the time we spend together during the day. He and Elizabeth are so precious to me and Phillip.

Phillip and I actually went out to dinner tonight without any children. I absolutely love my children more than life itself, and try to spend every waking moment I possibly can with them, even a lot of sleeping moments, but it was due time for a small break.

Ryan has his next MRI scheduled for August 17th.

Thank you for all of your continued support. Please continue to pray for Ryan and our family. Also, please pray for our caringbridge friends and their families.

Love to all,
Andrea

Saturday, July 31, 2004 8:49 PM CDT

Andrea and Phillip are still in the process of changing internet providers, so they can't do a journal at the moment. I hope everyone enjoyed Ryan's entry.

Izzy B went to the doctor for her two month check up on Tuesday and was given a picture perfect bill of health. She is 13 1/2 lbs and 23 inches long.

Ryan has had a busy week. He went to the St. Louis Zoo with Uncle Cory, Aunt Heather and Tony on Monday. Tuesday and Friday he went to Rosemary's (his sitter for three years in Missouri) and played with his old friends. He is bigger than most of them now and they still call him "Baby Ryan". He really enjoyed it and the kids had a good time with him.

Wednesday was a down day for him. He was really tired and just wanted to lay around, but Thursday he spent the day with Meme. They hung out all day and I am still not sure exactly what they did. They both just keep saying it is a surprise.

Today he went with Meme, Brandon, Brady and some friends of Meme's to have a fun day. He has played PS2 with the boys all evening and is finally in bed. He goes home tomorrow and we are surely going to miss him. It has been wonderful having the opportunity to spend time with him. It makes the day go so much better when I know that after work I get to see him.

His smile lights our days and his laughter is music to our ears. It is hard to imagine how sick he really is when he goes so strong before he gets tired and he finds pleasure in so many things. His snake (stuffed) that Uncle Cory gave him is now his new best friend and even the snake loves everyone.

Please keep our little guy in your prayers as he starts his second round of Temador on Monday. I pray he tolerates this round as well as he did the last one.

Please pray for Mel, Gary, Lucas, and the rest of their family. Keep the other caring bridge families in your prayers.

Please sign the guestbook, the kids can't read it now but will check every entry when they get the internet back.

God Bless You All!!

Wednesday, July 28, 2004 8:32 AM CDT

Ryan wanted to put some things on here. I will try to help him type, but he is determined this morning.
ae58o=sfy111

Thank you for the 1234656667780o0p0=]
,mnmnbvcxzasiiuttt7iuiouoi98ooioouiud
iohooollclkfbrgtv gjhvfhflyl6i;ilirtgoh;
yjk0vicdd jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjfrhhyrwas

g4yt5tiu6y587y5yt85y87uriwtyuyht5riuott
gye4yu6i4rgye4ui9jioi5ueji2wijqkowkdeio
dpdep0d9i0ew9pei99i333333343pi9pi9pi934
i94.mdrfmul9,.t.65y67lkyu7;oku;7igkl7ku,
f34nftrk4rrt.5mgmkn.k.m.........gmmgmm.
mmgm.mgggmk.tgmc.6tgkmcc5lkgc56t65ktl4;
5kd6toido2u808p8099089089u09ig09hbi098
09h898hbdkjfhtl/jhbyo6;okj;kj

It says: Thank you for the circus. Thank you for songs. Thank you for Disneyland.
I love everyone and I want you to beat the bad guys up.
Thank you for baseball and thank you for coming . I like to go play soccer and I like to go swimming.
I like to play basketball. Thank you for soccer.

I feel good today. How do you feel? I have been talking on the phone.
Do your homework. Thank you fo rdoing Mommy's homework. Thank you for going to McDonald's.
Thank you for ice cream. Thank you for Daddy's belt
and thank you for my belt.gt5ty6juy6u677888888888888888888
t5y67i9u8ytghyhjvhujjkj,,olkolmplk;pl
;;;;;;k;,;l,l,o.p;,l.pkkkkkbgjkfjjvfv
fxcbgfgrt445ertertgdgrgerth5yh7u8i96i
9io0io00

Thank you for chocolate milk, milk, and strawberries.
Thank you for snacks and food.

Love, Ryan

Partially typed by Ryan, totally dictated by Ryan.

Sunday, July 25, 2004 10:54 AM CDT

Please everyone visit our dear friends Mel and Gary. They have lost their son Isaac to this horrible disease. They have been such a big help with our journey with Ryan and are such an inspiration to us all. Thank you.

I am very sorry once again that I have not been able to update the journals very often. Please bare with us while we are going through the transition of new internet service. We have cancelled one before the other one started, and are in limbo right now. I am in Missouri right now, so I am using my mom's internet.

We have had such a busy week.

Wednesday-Ryan went to the water park with day camp. He had so much fun and came home with a really good tan. He was also very tired when he finally made it to our house.

Thursday-Ryan had a physical which went really well. His blood counts are still excellent, everything looks good. They said his ear hurting could be caused from the cold chills he is having from the chemo. It is nothing to worry about and try to control the pain as best as possible. There is really nothing we can do for it right now. We had our picture taken with the Kentucky New Era, and he convinced the photographer to play CandyLand with him. So, she played, and of course he won. We took him and Elizabeth to get there pictures taken, and she wasn't being so cooperative, and he didn't want to get out of in front of the camera. He was so upset when we had to finish, he wanted to take more. What a ham!!!

Friday-Some of the family came down for the Poker Run on Saturday. Ryan had the closing ceremonies for DayCamp. We had so much fun, they had some songs ready for us, and it was so funny to see all of those GI's singing songs and dancing to them. We were able to get some of it on video, of Ryan and his big buddy.

Saturday-THE POKER RUN!!! Oh my gosh was it amazing. It is a journal all in itself, so I will write tomorrow all about it before we go home. I don't even know what to say except that it was just phenominal, but I will give more details about it later.

Everything is going good right now. Ryan is feeling good. Elizabeth is feeling good.

Thank you all for your love and support. Please continue to pray for Ryan and all of our caringbridge friends.

Love to all,
The Brown Family
Phillip, Andrea, Ryan, Elizabeth

Sunday, July 18, 2004 12:53 AM CDT

Oh my goodness! I finally got onto the internet to type in a journal. Our internet is playing funny games on us again.

Thursday we had doctors appointments all day long. Elizabeth was the first one, she is now 12 lbs and 13 oz. What a big girl? She has a really bad tummy ache, that is contagious. It is viral gastro enteritis. She is doing much better now, that we have switched her formula and we are giving her belly medicine. Ryan is 40 lbs and is 3 feet 6 inches. He is growing like a weed. They said he looks phenominal. Blood counts were good.

Friday was Family Day at Day Camp. Phillip, Elizabeth and I went to be with Ryan. The little turd didn't want anything to do with us, he wanted his big buddy. So, we just sat and watched him swim all morning. It then became to hot for Elizabeth to be outside so her and I came home, but I don't even think he noticed, even though we said goodbye. He was having so much fun!! Which is great, absolutely wonderful. Phillip tried to play baseball with Ryan and his big buddy Ryan just told Phillip he was in Ryan's way. Phillip said it was really funny the way he acted. I am glad to see he is getting along so well with his big buddy. He is a single soldier in the military, a medic, which is being deployed back to Iraq in October. Ryan loves him.

Saturday Phillip and Ryan went to the store for some groceries and a few other things. It was supposed to be a quick trip, 3 hours later they come home. It did them some good to have time to themselves though because they don't have that much anymore. We then went out to a friends house and had a BBQ, while Ryan rode his 4-wheeler a little bit, and their little boy rode his dirt bike. They played outside a lot and it was really fun. Ryan wanted to spend the night, but we didn't take enough medicine for the entire night, so maybe some other time.

Today-Phillip is on 24 hour guard. YUCK!!! He has to work all night and not get to come home until the morning. Some days its not so bad, but others it seems like it just drags on and on. Especially when Ryan and Elizabeth are both not feeling well. Elizabeth is wanting to be held all day today, and not sleep. I think her belly hurts just a little bit today. Ryan has an ear ache so bad that he is crying. He doesn't cry about a whole lot unless it really hurts. He won't take medicine or ask for medicine unless it really hurts bad. So, he has asked for medicine, it is really red all around the outside and a little warm. He just keeps holding it, and saying it hurts mommmy it hurts. I gave him his medicine and he is now sleeping on the couch, thank goodness. I feel so sorry for him because sometimes it seems if it is not one thing than it is another. But, he is resting and that is probably the best thing for him right now.

We thank you for all of your prayers for our family. Please pray Elizabeth's tummy ache will get better, and that Ryan's ear ache gets better. We also ask you pray for our caringbridge friends, they are all very special to us and we think about them all of the time.

Hopefully it won't take me as long to write a new journal.

Love to all,
The Brown Family
Phillip, Andrea, Ryan, Elizabeth, and Miki Toy

Wednesday, July 14, 2004 8:25 PM CDT

Hello everyone,

Sorry it has been so long since the last update. We had some pretty bad weather here last night, so we were watching that and making sure the kids were ok.

Ryan has been doing pretty good. He doesn't play to much outside because the heat bothers him, and the sun is really bright and hurts his eyes. He gets really tired, very quick and has been taking some naps in the afternoons and evenings, but I think it is because of the heat. The best times of the day for him are in the mornings. He is the best kid first thing in the morning. He used to not be much of a morning person, now he smiles, talks, laughs and plays so much before the day gets started. It is my favorite time of day to be with him. He is such a good little boy and I love him very much.

Last night before he went to sleep he just kept telling us that he loved us. It was the best thing in the world. He doesn't like to sleep in his room, so he sleeps on the couch everynight. I sat on the floor in front of him and watched him fall asleep and until his eyes closed for the night, he just kept looking into my eyes. I was so sad, and cried because the whole time I was thinking about this horrible disease and how much longer we had with him. I hate all of this, and I don't use that word very often because it is a very strong word. I hate that any child has to take so much medicine, worry about so many things. It is a horrible feeling to watch your child go through the things they have to everyday because they are sick. It just isn't fair. Not one little bit. I don't think it could be harder on any other person to watch a child go through this than a parent. You watch this day in and day out, and you are the one that has to worry what kind of day you are going to have, is it going to be a good day with fun, or a bad day with sickness and basically reality. I just sat and watched him sleep last night, because I do love it when he sleeps, it gives Phillip and I both a break for a little while, but I also know that is a day gone. I hate that part of it. I hate having to worry about making other people happy.

We are not giving up, not by a long shot. But sometimes, Phillip and I both have to face the reality that Ryan is sick, he is very sick. But we will make it, the wait and see game is killing us inside though. We want him to get better now, not have to take all of the medicine and be done with it. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

Anyways, Ryan went to day camp today. He had a blast. They went on a field trip to a movie and played putt putt golf. He will be in camp until next Friday. They are going on a field trip next Wednesday to a water park. They go swimming, play games, and do all sorts of fun things. It is a camp for exceptional children. So each child has there own big buddy, doctors, and nurses are on hand at all times. It seems like a wonderful program and Ryan loves it so far, and I am sure he will continue to love it. It is through the Army and on Ft. Campbell, so they can get to Phillip right away if needed. Please, pray Ryan has a great time at day camp because our little champ deserves every bit of it.

He goes to the Doctor tomorrow. It is his first appointment since he has been on chemo. Please pray it goes well, which I am sure it will.

Please pray for our caringbridge friends. Isaac and Connor are in very special need of prayers, if you have a minute visit them and let them know you were there. It would mean a great deal to the families. Also, Cheyenne, Craiggy, and Celeste, they love to read the guestbooks and all of them have been a great deal of support to our family. Thank you all so much.

Love to all,
The Brown Family
Phillip, Andrea, Ryan, Elizabeth, Miki Toy

Sunday, July 11, 2004 9:28 PM CDT

Well, we had a wonderful weekend. Ryan finished his last dose of Round 1. He took it like a champ. He is amazing. He amazes me everyday that he is here to share the day with me. I love him so much. I never knew you could love a person so much until I had him and regretfully I didn't always take the time I needed with him. I took him for granted. It puts a whole new light on life, and occassionally you lose your way again for a few minutes but not for to long. I treasure every moment I have with him and Elizabeth, even though I may not always show it because it has been a bad day or what not, but I do.

Anyways, back to our wonderful weekend. We did something this weekend that we have been wanting to do for awhile and haven't, I don't know either. We went a 1/4 mile away from home to a hotel to go swimming as much as we wanted for the night. We have wanted to take Ryan to a hotel with a pool, just us four, no visitors and no phones. We just wanted to get away and have a relaxing time, with just us. It was super! Ryan was our little fish. He probably swam for 3 hours last night and 3 hours this morning. He wore himself out yesterday because he was in bed by 7:30. Elizabeth went swimming for the first time last night. The pool was warmer than her bath water, so we decided to see how she liked it, and she ended up falling asleep while we were holding her. Ryan was so excited to have sissy in the pool with him. He is becoming a champion swimmer, he wears floaties still, but he tries to swim under water now. He just goes and goes. I love it.

Today after we left the hotel, we took a Sunday drive. We haven't done that in I don't know how long. We went and found two state parks, which dad I think you will love one of them so much. So, the next time you are down we know where we are taking you. The other one I know everyone will love, in the summer time because it is on the Tennessee River. It was so much fun, just to have us again, especially without the TV. We were singing and playing tricks on daddy while he was driving. We were wrestling in the pool. It is one of those times, were it was so much fun you didn't want it to end, and you especially didn't want to go back home and face it all again. He was so happy and had a smile on his face from ear to ear most of the time. He loves to stay at hotels and he loves to swim, so we had the best of both worlds. It was just the greatest weekend, I could have ever asked for, and we didn't do anything special. But it made us all happy and it is the most important thing, right now and forever.

Thank you so much. Keep praying everyone because it is working. Please, pray for our caringbridge friends and all of the children in need of a friend and prayer.

Love to all,
The Brown Family
Phillip, Andrea, Ryan "The Champion of swimming", Elizabeth, and Miki Toy

Friday, July 9, 2004 10:21 AM CDT

Today is our last night of Chemo, round 1. Ryan has been doing really good, yesterday I think the side effects started hitting him though. He was real droopy and just kept telling us his belly hurt. But it did not effect his appetite any. In the afternoon he told me he was so cold, so I wrapped a big, comfy, quilt that Nana Sherry made for him during radiation around him and held him as tight as I could on my lap. I was sweating but he was freezing. He fell asleep and I just sat there with him all curled up on my lap. Since he is a big boy now I don't get those chances very often that he wants to cuddly with me, so I took full advantage of it. I eventually got up and he slept for a couple of hours, he woke up and was fine the rest of the day. He took his medicine again like a champ, like he is, because he is our little champ.

He hasn't wanted to go outside or play very much this week, he has his moments of energy but not to many of them. We mostly just color all day, unless Elizabeth is awake then we play with her and read to her. She hasn't been sleeping much lately. She would much rather be awake and played with than sleeping, not me I would rather be sleeping these days. It is so hard to do many journals or check on other sites unless it is really late at night or early in the mornings.

It has been a very emotional week for us here at the Brown house. Ryan has been doing good on his chemo, no nausea thank goodness, but he is just not quite himself all of the time, like I said earlier he has a few moments everyday that he is just full of energy but then the rest of the day he just sits around. When we ask if he wants to do something he says no it is to hot outside or I am really tired. It is a major change for us because we were so used to seeing him on the go constantly after he was done with radiation and now he is not as energized. I am sure he will go through phases like this, but at times it is just hard to see the other kids running around outside all day everyday, and remember what he was like last summer and now it is a chore to get him to go outside. We go and sit on our glider a couple of times a day, especially in the evenings when daddy is home. We sure do love our glider. He will ride his scooter in the yard while we are out there for just a little bit. Hopefully next week we will have our old energized Ryan back, because we won't have had a long weekend, and he won't be on the yucky meds anymore.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers and support for our family. It means so much to all of us to read the guestbook entries. Please continue to pray for Ryan, that he does stay nausea free and handles the medicine so well. Please continue to pray for our other caringbridge friends. We check on them daily, and pray for them always.

Love to all,
The Brown Family
Phillip, Andrea, Ryan, Elizabeth, and puppy Miki

Wednesday, July 7, 2004 7:48 PM CDT

Hello everyone,

Ryan is still doing very well on his new medicine. So far, so good. He has not had any nausea and I think has actually been eating more than usual. He had a slight headache yesterday after his nap, we gave him some Tylenol and Advil, it went away after a second nap. I think it was the way he was sitting in the car seat because he said it was his neck area that hurt. He has bursts of energy here and there. But for some reason doesn't want to go swimming right now, or do any of the things that he would normally jump at the chance to do. He pretty much just wants to stay inside and color. We have been coloring a lot of pictures, I mean a lot. I see coloring books and crayons now when I go to sleep.

He is actually taking his medicine better too. But he doesn't like the fact that we have to wear gloves to give it to him. We tell him it is so we won't get it dirty from our hands, then he is ok with it. We were worried at first that he wouldn't be able to swallow the pills and we were going to have to break them open, so far he has been taking them really well and no worries as far as having to break them open.

Ryan lost his front tooth this afternoon. For those of you who don't know, Ryan hit his mouth on the top of my nephews head on our wedding day last year. It has been getting worse every since then, and has become more and more loose, it just stuck out there. We called it his snaggle tooth. He couldn't bite food with it, and it bothered him sometimes but the dentist just told us to leave it alone it would eventually work itself out. Him and Phillip were wrestling today and he was trying to bite Phillip, well somehow his tooth got caught on Phillip's pants pocket and pulled it right out. It was bleeding for quite sometime, and looked like it may have ripped the gum a bit but I think the way it looks is because of the way it was growing. He just whimpered a little bit but never cried, so I think it was about to come out anyway. He looks so cute, and talks funny now. He has to show everyone and tell everyone on the phone. So, the tooth fairy is going to come and visit tonight. If anyone has an idea what the going rate is for a tooth these days let me know, because this is the first tooth that he has lost that he hasn't swallowed. He is accident prone when it comes to his mouth. He was between one and two when he knocked his bottom front two teeth out. He wants the tooth fairy to come and give him money but also put his tooth back in for him. Isn't he going to be disappointed in the morning when his tooth is gone and it is not back in his mouth?

My grandma does have an inoperable brain tumor. It is more on the top of her head but growing from the center of her brain out. They think she has only had it for about 6 weeks, and the prognosis is less than one year. They are going to do a biopsy as soon as they can, so please pray that it goes okay. My dad said she is taking this very well. We will not know to many answers until they are able to do the biopsy. Thank you for your prayers for her.

Please continue to pray for Ryan. He is doing so well right now. We were so scared that it was not going to go well, I know that we still have 3 days left of this round and many more rounds to go, but hopefully it will stay this way. Please pray for all of our caringbridge friends too.

Thank you for all of your support. Please sign the guestbook to let us know that you have stopped by, because we read them frequently and we also read them to Ryan. Even if you don't have anything to say, or you don't sign because we won't know who you are, it is ok we love to here from everyone. You cannot say the wrong thing.

Love to all,
The Brown Family

Tuesday, July 6, 2004 9:29 AM CDT

We had an absolutely wonderful weekend, and busy full of fun.

Ryan went swimming, rode on his 4 wheeler, wrestled, fished, watched fireworks and had loads of fun. He didn't want to come home. We were able to watch the fireworks through 3D glasses that were handed out. It was so cool, I have never seen fireworks like that before. It was such a good weekend, the only thing we didn't get away from was the medicine, but other than that we did exactly what we wanted and was away from everything for a few days. He loved the fireworks so much. It was Cool! and Awesome the whole time we were watching them.

But then we had to come back home and reality set back in once again. We had to start chemo last night and it was not any fun at all. Ryan didn't want to take it. I don't know where he heard it from or how he got this idea into his head, but he said it was going to kill him and make him did, we wouldn't see him anymore, but right now he is alive. Those are his exact words, and he didn't just say this once. It was so shocking to me that at first I didn't know what to think, I just tried to calm him down and tell him that it wasn't going to do this and it was going to make him better so he wouldn't have to go and see the doctors as much. He argued with me, and as he was taking his medicine, we all three cried together. After I had time to think about what he said and I called my mom. It was heart wrenching, my stomach was in knots, I couldn't sleep, and I cry every time I think about it. If you could have only seen the look on his face when he said this. I prayed so hard to God last night that he would give us the right answer. Does Ryan know more than we do? Should we keep him on the medicine or should we take him off of it? I prayed for these answers last night. I am still praying for them, because we don't know the answer.

But he did fine on the medicine, no nausea thus far. It was okay after he took it and was asleep. After he fell asleep I broke down, because I didn't want him to see me like that because I thought he would get even more scared. But he is in good spirits this morning and we have been fighting and wrestling all morning long. I am going to paint with him in just a few minutes.

Please pray for my grandma and dad. She had a ct scan yesterday and it showed a brain tumor at the back of her head. They are doing an MRI today, it has probably already been done. We will find out the results this afternoon or evening. I am 7 hours away from them right now, and wish I could be there to help support my dad but am unable to with Ryan just starting his chemo. Please pray the God will give him and her the strength to make it through this trying time. I will let you know the results when we find them out.

Please pray for all of our caringbridge friends. We have added some links to the children that are in extra need of prayers. Thank you so much for the prayers and support you have given Ryan and our family.

Love to all,
The Brown Family

Friday, July 2, 2004 2:57 PM CDT

Sorry it has taken me a few days to get back on and do a journal. I have been checking on our caringbridge friends and by the time I do that and sign their guestbooks, Elizabeth or Ryan are always needing something. But I definitely do not mind and I love spending all of this time with my children, even though it can be very tiring.

Ryan went to the doctor yesterday. His counts were really good and everything is going smoothly. He had to have a PCP breathing treatment, which a chore. Ryan was so upset that he had me and Phillip upset. It was absolutely horrible and none of us wanted to be there at that point. Luckily he only has to have one once a month. But things are good with him right now.

Ryan starts chemo on Monday. It has been really hard for Phillip and I to take, it is a new step in our journey and I don't know that we are ready to take it. I have been having some really hard times with it, very emotional. Thank you so much Meme for letting me call you the other night and just cry my eyes out over the phone. I know you wished you could have been here through it instead of 5 hours away, but it is alright and worked out just fine. Thank you so much, it made me feel alot better after I was off of the phone. Thank you cousin Stacy for doing Ryan's web site. I absolutely love it. Phillip thinks it is the coolest thing he has ever seen. Ryan said Wow Cool! That's my 4 wheeler. He was excited. Thank you so much for doing this for us, it means so much to not have to worry about these kinds of things. His web page means so much to us and so many other people, thank you.

I won't be able to update for a few days. We are going to visit Uncle Bill, Jody, Garry, and Princess Emily. I hope to ride 4 wheelers, horses, and go swimming. We will be home on Monday and will tell you all about our fun filled time in Missouri.

We pray everyone has a wonderful holiday weekend. Be careful and see lots of fireworks. Please continue to pray for Ryan and all of our carinbridge friends. Isaac, Celeste, Mitchell, Cheyenne, Craiggy, and Connor all need an extra little prayer. Thank you for all of your prayers, love and support.

Love to all,
The Brown family

Tuesday, June 29, 2004 10:13 PM CDT

I bet you all know what his surprise is now!! He has a new four wheeler. Yippee!! It was a really big thing for me to okay this, daddy has wanted to get him one for a very long time. Ryan has wanted one since about this time last year when we went to Uncle Bill's house and rode his all day long.

He loves to go to the store and sit on it outside. Him and daddy go to the four wheeler store all of the time and drool over the ATV's and then come home and tell me all about them. When we went today he was wondering where the one he wanted was at, and they had it inside. When they brought it out he looked so surprised and excited that we was going to be able to play on it for a little while, but then we told him it was his to take home, and I wish we could've actually gotten the look on his face on camera. It was a priceless photo. I am sure we have on one of the three cameras we had there. We went prepared because we wanted it with the digital camera, the still camera, and the video camera. He was so excited, and then to have the helmet and everything to match. They are ordering his shirt to go with everything else, so we will have to get pictures of his whole get up. Daddy is so excited he doesn't know what to think either.

Ryan road around the parking lot, and then down the street. The guys at the shop all had to be there and outside to see his expression because most of them are there everytime he goes in and wants to take one home with him and never does, so they were all very excited when we came in today.

It was definitely worth getting when I saw the expression on his face and the joy it has already brought him. He just smiled so big, it was such a wonderful sight. Because it is something he has been wanting for so long, and it is all he ever talks about when someone comes around.

Thank you to everyone for all of the birthday wishes and prayers. Ryan and our family are very lucky to have the support system that we do and we love everyone of you for it. We may not show how grateful we are for everything that everyone does but we are so grateful, because we could not have done any of this, made it this far and stayed as strong as we have throughout this if it weren't for all of you.

Please continue to pray for Ryan and all of the caringbridge children.

Love to all,
The Brown Family

Monday, June 28, 2004 12:43 AM CDT

Sorry I meant to update last night but after everyone left our house yesterday, I didn't feel very good and just wanted my bed.

Ryan had an absolutely wonderful weekend. Family came down to stay and have Ryan's Birthday Party on Sunday at his favorite place Chuck E Cheese. He loved every minute of it. Saturday night he went swimming at the hotel where everyone stayed except Uncle Cory and Aunt Heather, who stayed at the house and had Ryan's undivided attention when he was awake. He wanted Uncle Cory and Tony to do everything with him and wouldn't hardly let Tony out of his sight for more than a second. Sunday at the party he had a blast. He danced with Chuckie, made Uncle Bill go with him and dance too, and sang Happy Birthday, played tons of games and won a lot of tickets, ate lots of pizza, and had a smile on his face all day long. He rode his new bike,around the show room, thank you Nana, Gram Bett, and Uncle Denny. Meme rode his bike to, I think she had more fun on it than Ryan did, or at least she looked like it. Uncle Cory, Tony, Brandon, and Brady had to go up in the tunnels with him, I think they may have been playing tag or hide and go seek too, but I am not really sure. He wanted to take all of the other things out of the boxes and play with them there but we made him wait until he got home. But, he fell alseep on the couch and took a long nap from a hard weekend. When he woke up though he helped daddy put our new glider together, which we all love, thank you so much, Aunt Renee, Aunt Susan, Uncle Virgil, Stacy, Sadie, Tyler, and Hope. We sat on the swing for a couple of hours until the mosquitoes got so bad we couldn't stand it anymore. And daddy had to also put his new spiderman scooter together, thank you Uncle Bill, he wanted to take a walk and ride his scooter but it was dark outside, so we couldn't go last night I think we are going to go tonight. We got inside and he wanted to play his new Gamecube games, and take everything out of its package and put it away. But we didn't have a chance to do all of it last night so we are going to work on the rest of it tonight when daddy gets home.

We want to thank everyone for coming down here this weekend and making it a very special time for Ryan. He loved to see everyone and really missed the people who couldn't come down. He loves all of his new toys and wants to play with them all at the same time, it makes it very difficult to do with some of the things. Yesterday was a very happy day and you all helped made it that for him. It was also a very emotional day and very hard because you don't know what the future holds. And all of you helped us make it through that also. It is wonderful to have such support from friends and family.

Thank you to everyone who was able to come down and spend such a special time with Ryan and the whole family, we enjoyed all of the company and hope to have many more birthdays that everyone will enjoy just as much if not more. It was so wonderful to see everyone.

Tomorrow is the big number 4 though. He is going to have a big surprise, I will let you all know tomorrow what it was and how he reacted, so everyone can be surprised right along with Ryan.

We love you all. Please keep praying for Ryan and all of the other caringbridge children. Cheyenne had her port put in today and starts her new chemo treatment tomorrow. Her parents would love for everyone to drop by her sight and give them words of encouragement. Isaac and his family are needing your prayers. Mitchell is in need of prayer, he is having horrible headaches and they are not sure why, his family could use prayers. Our wonderful friend Craiggy, has two ear infections and his family is really scared right now because that is how they found out about his yuckyness. Please go and visit these families because they are special to us along with so many other families, they are helping us through our journey as well. All of these children are very strong and will get better, but they do need everyone's support and prayer.

Thank you for everything.

Love to all,
The Brown Family

Wednesday, June 23, 2004 9:48 PM CDT

Okay, not a whole lot to report today, which I guess could be considered a good thing because it means everything is still going good.

Ryan is alseep and has been since about 7 this evening if not a little bit before, which concerns me a bit, but like I said yesterday it could be a number of explanations for this loss of energy, and new found love for sleeping. He stayed inside most of the day and we played cards with his new Scooby Doo deck of cards. It was a form of Go Fish, but since they weren't go fish cards we couldn't call it that, so when we had to draw we said Scooby Doo instead. We made a house with pillows for the puppy Mi-ki. Then daddy came home and they wrestled for over an hour, I am glad it was early this evening instead of at bedtime like it usually is, but Ryan definetly loves his wrestle time with dad. Today though they had to bring me into it, and they both ganged up on me, and started tickling me so bad that I couldn't breathe. While we were eating dinner tonight Ryan said Grace, and he wanted to thank God for his food, drink, and grapes. But he had to do it like 10 times, which is okay with us, but he decided he wanted to do it evertime Phillip or I put a bite in our mouths. He is such a character. He has been extra whiny these past few days and hasn't had much of an appetite. He doesn't eat breakfast, and very little lunch, usually just a little bit of Spaghetti O's and has only ate mashed potatoes for dinner the past two nights. All of these things combined, the appetite, tiredness, and attitude are very concerning to me. I am going to ask the doctor or nurse about them tomorrow when we go and get his counts done.

Please continue to pray for Ryan. We have a few prayer requests, Celeste is home from the hospital and doing a bit better but is still in immediate need of prayer. Mitchell is home from the hospital also, but is still in need of prayer because they do not know exactly what was causing his episodes. Cheyenne is starting a different protocol on chemotherapy Monday, and is none to happy about missing so many things because of the move to San Antonio they are going to have to make because of the new medicine. Isaac is doing better but is still in need of prayer that his tumor starts to shrink. Please, pray for these children along with so many other ones on the caring bridge sites. It is a terrible shame that anyone child has to go through such pain and heartache. The most they should have to worry about is if it is going to rain that day or not so they can go outside and play, not about doctors and hospitals and so many other things that follow these horrible diseases.

Thank you so much for you prayers, love and support.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, June 22, 2004 4:43 PM CDT

PLEASE PRAY FOR OUR FRIEND CELESTE!!! She has taken a turn for the worst but they are not giving up.

Sorry it has been since Saturday since the last update. Ryan and Elizabeth don't give me much time for anything these days, let alone get on the computer. Yesterday I took my time to check on all of our caringbridge friends and then never got the chance to update again.

Ryan is doing good. The only thing I am concerned about right now is his energy levels. He just seems to be getting tired more easily these days. He was running so strong for such a long time and now he is coming in and taking a nap in the afternoon, then going to bed early for him. Knock on wood it is no longer a fight to get him into the bath tub and get him to bed at night. But it is still bothering me. If you could have only seen how he ran all day everyday, non stop and now all of a sudden he gets tired more easily and is taking naps. I guess we will just keep an eye on it, because I have read that the Protocel will sometimes take your energy levels down when it is doing its job. So, it very well could be a good thing because it means the Protocel is trying to take more of the tumor away. Wouldn't that just be wonderful? Let's pray that is what is causing his energy levels to decrease.

Elizabeth will be one month old tomorrow. It doesn't seem quite possible. Ryan will be 4 years old in one week, that really doesn't seem possible. He is such a good big brother. He sings to her, holds her until she starts to cry and then I get her back, holds her bottle for me, and gets the things we need to change her diaper. He really likes to pick out her clothes, he does a better job at that then picking out his own. He is so funny, you never quite know what will come out of his mouth. Phillip tells him he will pay him a dollar if Ryan will do this or that. Yesterday, Ryan wanted to do something and I told him no, with this sweet innocent look on his face, with a smile said I will pay you a dollar if you let my do it. I still told him no but I had to laugh in the process. He makes funny faces now when you kiss him goodnight too, and you have to kiss him with the same face or he won't kiss you.

The weather down here has been off and on yucky and it is taking a toll on my emotions. I am so happy, I mean unbelievably happy right now, with the results that we have gotten on him. But still so very scared. It is so hard to describe and to tell people how you feel. When the doctor told us about Ryan's progress, I don't think we gave him quite the reaction he was expecting, we just kind of sat there. I wanted to cry so bad, a good cry but didn't because I wanted to know so much more, I wanted facts that he can't give us right now. I think that is what is bothering more right now than anything is the unknown. But we continue to look at the bright side of things, I just occasionally still have my moments of what if's. I try not to have them to often because they really stink, big time.

Keep praying for Ryan, it is definitely working. Also for our other caring bridge children. We have two close friends that are having slow tumor growth, if you have a chance to visit them please do so. They are linked at the bottom of Ryan's page, Isaac and Cheyenne. Storm Heaven for our friends. Thank you so much for everything!!

Love to all,
Andrea

Saturday, June 19, 2004 3:22 PM CDT

Hello all,

Well the interview was on last night for those of you who were able to see it. It was pretty good but some of the things we told them about were not on there that we wish would have been, like the address to Ryan's web site and the information about the Poker Run. We gave them all of that information hoping it would have been presented but it wasn't. But it was still a good piece.

Ryan is doing really well today. He had a bit of a temper tantrum when we went to Hopkinsville today and let me tell you what I controlled myself very well for what he did to me. It was a violent temper tantrum and I just picked him up and made him sit in a cart until he could calm down, and he did finally calm down and I let him out. All was well after that, but I think he is still just so extremely tired from last weekend and the very busy week we have had, with all of the people and doctors. It was a really big week for him starting with last Thursday. He is not used to all of the commotion and neither is Elizabeth, and they both are crabby. So, the next week is hopefully going to be a lay around week, until next weekend which is going to be his birthday party at Chuck E Cheese. Isn't that going to be fun?

I can't believe he is already going to be four in just a little over a week, it seems as though he just turned three. But it has been a very big year for us, between 3 and 4. Where does the time go? It seems like it went by fast before but now it seems as though it flies by even faster. It has been 3 months last Thursday since diagnosis date. It is weird because it sort of seems like an eternity but it also feels like it has flown by, if that makes any sense to anyone.

We would like to thank everyone for everything they are doing for our family and have done for our family. It is amazing how everyone has pulled together and helped and supported us throughout our journey.

It isn't just about last nights interview, but we have had some things said and brought to our attention. Sometimes in the interviews the information that is given can be taken out of context and also not always presented. We are very sorry if we have offended anyone by what is written in a newspaper or said on TV. It is not always given exactly how we told them. I just wanted to let everyone know this, because we don't want to upset anyone or have anyone get offended by these things.

We appreciate so much of what everyone has done for us because if it weren't for our support system across the globe I don't believe we would have made it this far. Prayers are still much needed because the journey is by far not over, it has only just begun but it is going down the right road as long as there are no forks in it. Thank you so much to everyone.

Love to all,
Andrea

Friday, June 18, 2004 10:29 PM CDT

Okay what to say after this wonderful news we had yesterday. It is a very hard act to follow.

Ryan had a really good day today. He took a three hour nap this afternoon, we actually had to wake him up. He played outside and had a pretty big day today. We had an interview with TV-43 in Hopkinsville. It was on the air three times tonight and will probably be on over the weekend too.

We had a wonderful time watching Garfield yesterday. Ryan sat through the whole movie and laughed like you would not believe. He wants to watch it again.

He had a pretty good fall tonight though. It was dark and wet outside while he was trying to watch down the steps. He fell and has boo boo on his knee, but mommy put a band aid on it and made it feel all better. I do have to say mommys are good at fixing boo boo's, my mom still has to fix mine. She is very good at it too. But it is hard when he has boo boo's that I can't fix, I try really hard and we are making very good progress.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I terribly missed being able to check the guestbook and write the journals. I missed being able to check on the other children. It seems as though that a lot of the people maybe are not checking the site anymore as much as they were because we were not able to write in the journals for so long. We still need everyone's support and love, and we get so excited when people sign the guestbook. Please continue to sign the guestbook, we want everyone to rejoice with us in our wonderful news. Our whole family wants to hear how excited everyone is that Ryan has made such progress.

Please continue to pray for Ryan, he still has a very long journey ahead of him. Also, pray for the other children in need.

Love to all,
Andrea

PS Please pray for the family of Paul Johnson, the man who lost his life at the hands of terrorists today. Also for our troops, because they are in desperate need of our prayers today as they are everyday. Thank you so much.

Thursday, June 17, 2004 3:34 PM CDT

Ok, we are back in business. Our computer is up and functioning wonderfully if I can just keep it that way now.

I bet all of you are just wondering what happened at the doctor today. I am going to tell you but make it very short because we are going to go and see Garfield the movie today.

Absolutely wonderful news!!! The tumor shrank a significant amount. The doctors couldn't tell us how much exactly but you can tell from the scans it is definitely a good sized amount. He said the best judge on how much it has shrank is how well Ryan is doing, and the things he is doing now that he wasn't able to do before or that he is doing better now than he was over the winter. The pons area is just about back down to normal size, the part that was pushing down on his pituatary gland has moved back and is down a considerable amount, and the cavity in your brain that holds the spinal fluid is almost back down to normal size. Dr. Kuttesch said the tumor could stay like this forever, now is this forever forever, or over the next two years forever. Well, the answer is we just don't know. We are not out of the clear and still need all of your prayers. They are working so keep on trucking.

We are so happy and excited, this is exactly what we wanted was for radiation to kick butt and win. Well it did and we couldn't ask for a better medical team to have done this for our family. Ryan is doing just wonderfully and that makes us all happy.

He did say that there is a small spot that looks like necrosis but is not definite. So, no need for immediate concern just for it to be monitored closely.

The fight is certainly not over yet but we have definitely taken a step in the right direction. Thank you so much for everyone's prayers and support. We could not have made it this far if it weren't for everyone. Please keep praying for Ryan so he can be our miracle.

We are in need of prayers for our friend Isaac. He is home now but still very weak. If you have a minute please go visit him and his family. Cheyenne also had an MRI and is supposed to go and see a neurosurgeon, please keep her and her family in your prayers. Also, remember all of the children in the world in need of prayers and support.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, June 15, 2004 10:00 PM CDT

Hello all - Ryan had his MRI today and was such a little trooper according to Mom and Dad. They said he was very good and very brave today at the hospital.

They saw Dr. Landsman (the pink power ranger) and Veronica, but had a surprise visit from Ms. Trishy. She wore a Dora hat since she know Ryan likes Dora. There were lots of hugs and kisses given.

We get the results from the MRI on Thursday, please keep Ryan and his family in your prayers. He is doing so good. He is full of energy, plays all day long, and always has a smile on his face - it is hard to imagine we will get anything but good news.

Please keep Isaac in your prayers, he is in the hospital. Also, thank God for how well Cheyenne is doing. Remember all of the caring bridge kids in your prayers.

Thanks for stopping by to check on Ryan and please sign the guest book.

Nana

ps - computer is fixed so Mom and Dad will be doing the journals soon.

Sunday, June 13, 2004 10:16 PM CDT

WOW!!!!! What a weekend for the entire Brown family!!! Ryan, Mom, Dad, and Baby Elizabeth had a big weekend. The entire town of Louisiana came together and showed an amazing amount of support for Ryan. The biker's from Star Touring & Riding St. Louis "Gateway" Chapter #132 came to visit. This motorcyle club rides every year to raise money for pediatric brain tumors. What an amazing group of people and what a worthy cause.

There was a bowling tournament, pool tournament, car wash, dunking booth, a walk a thon, lots of good food, and many other activities. What a good day and it was so enjoyable to visit with everyone. Ryan got to see his Mema Pat and Papa Bob, Nonny Vicki, Nana Rosemary, and many, many other friends and family.

There are no words that can express our appreciation for all of the work that Linda, Jenny, Diane, Marcia, Sally, Tom, and all of the others did for Ryan's cause. Ryan even got to shave Tom's head.

Today was the "Cut-a-thon" at Aunt Heather's salon. There was once again so many people helping out in support of Ryan. Ryan had a surprise visitor today, St. Louis Rams Tackle Grant Williams and his family came by for a haircut. There is a picture of Ryan and Grant in the photo album. Ryan showed Grant his new puppy, his motorcycle helmet, his vest, and gave him lots of hugs and kisses. Grant has three beautiful family.

Aunt Heather, Meme, Jen, Katie, Jessica, Lukia, and others too numerous to mention put in a full day of pampering supporters to raise money for a good cause. Ryan really enjoyed the day and I can truly say all of the visitors not only seemed to enjoy the services they received, but was sincerely touched by Ryan and his sparkling personality.

Ryan's cousin Taylor visited the cut a thon today all the way from Los Angeles. It was really good to see Chris, Kasey, and Taylor.

There are so many people to thank for the activities this weekend, to try to name them would inevitably mean I would leave someone out. So, for everyone that donated time, money, raffle prizes, the use of their business, prayers and support, I thank you on behalf of the entire family.

Once again, we are overwhelmed by the generosity, love, and genuine caring of the people around us. Please remember to pray for all of the "caring bridge" kids.

Ryan will be going home tomorrow to rest and get ready for his MRI on Tuesday. Please pray for Ryan and pray that the doctors confirm the miracle we have all been praying for.

Also, remember the family of Vicki Woods in your prayers. Vicki lost the battle last week to a brain tumor. Jay, Lori, and JE you are in our prayers.

God Bless You All and remember to sign the guestbook.

Nana

PS- the computer is fixed!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, June 13, 2004 0:26 AM CDT

Well, Saturday June 12th was Ryan Brown Day in Louisiana,MO. The whole town came together to show Ryan and his family how much they care about him. The first event of the day was a walk-a-thon and it was a huge success. There was a dunking booth and the city policemen gave everyone the opportunity to dunk them in cold water. The bowling alley was a busy place with people bowling all day and all evening. An all day car wash was a huge success and there were many other activities.

The biggest surprise for Ryan was when a motorcycle club that rides every year to raise money for "pediatric brain tumors" rolled into town. Ryan was made an honorary member with an official club T shirt, his own leather vest complete with pins and patches, and a helmet with his name and information about the club on it. Ryan had several motorcycle rides and definitely made new friends. He even had his own leather clad cheering section as he bowled in the bowl-a-thon.

Ryan had a really good day today, but it was long and tiring. Baby Elizabeth did not lack for people wanting to hold her and fuss over just how adorable she is.

Sunday is a cut-a-thon at Aunt Heather's salon. Now, this is the way to go, a day of pampering all for a good cause.

We can't put into words how much we appreciate everyone that has come forward to support Andrea, Phillip, Ryan, and Elizabeth throught his horrible ordeal. By showing the love and support for them, you support the entire family in one way or another. Dealing with this beast puts everything in a different perspective and causes us all to step back and take a look at what we once thought was important in our lives. Now, most of that doesn't matter.

Please continue to pray for Ryan as he goes for his MRI on Tuesday. God bless each and every one of you. We really do appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers.

Please sign the guest book.

Nana

Thursday, June 10, 2004 5:48 AM CDT

Good morning!! The computer is still out of commission, but making progress. Ryan continues to do well. He stays so busy all day long the only chance Andrea and Phillip have to see him is as he runs in and out of the house.

The puppy and Baby Elizabeth continue to do well. Elizabeth is really growing according to her Mommy.

Phillip, Andrea, Ryan, and Elizabeth will all be coming to Missouri this weekend. The mayor in the city of Louisiana, Missouri has proclaimed Saturday June 12th as "Ryan's Day". The entire town is pulling together to make it a special day for Ryan. On Sunday there is a "Cut a Thon" at Aunt Heather's salon, so another really busy weekend coming up for Ryan.

Ryan has his follow up MRI June 15th. Please keep them in mind and pray for good news from the MRI.

Thanks for stopping by. Please sign the guestbook as often as you can when you visit. God Bless You.

Nana(Sherry)

Monday, June 7, 2004 10:52 PM CDT

The journal entries have been sparse because the computer is still out for repair. It will be fixed by the weekend (or replaced).

Ryan is doing really good. He gets up in the morning, eats breakfast and then is outside the rest of the day. He is going non-stop all day long playing with the kids in the neighborhood.

He is doing really good with the puppy. He takes the puppy outside when he needs to go potty, the puppy not Ryan. Ryan has tried to show the puppy how to go potty in the yard, but the dog hasn't caught on yet. They run together, play together, and are now the best of friends.

Ryan still loves his baby sister, but he has a new puppy. So, the sister doesn't get quite as much attention as she was before.

We are doing fine and will be in Louisiana this weekend for Ryan's day. Please try to come up and see us if you can.

Don't forget to sign the guest book, we really look forward to hearing from all of you.

Continue to keep Ryan and the other children in your prayers. God Bless You All.

Love, Andrea and Phillip

Saturday, June 5, 2004 11:26 PM CDT

I guess better late than never, Ryan had an appointment at Vanderbilt May 27th. The doctor was very impressed with Ryan's progress. He is scheduled for his follow up MRI on June 15th. Please everyone pray that Phillip and Andrea will get good news when they go back to the doctor on the 17th for the results.

Ryan says that his baby sister is good and sleeps all of the time. He told me his puppy sleeps alot and then they play.

The computer is still under repair, but hopefully will be up and running soon.

Please keep Ryan and the other children in your prayers. Also, please sign the guestbook when you visit, it means so much to everyone.

Thanks,

Nana (Sherry)

Thursday, June 3, 2004 10:17 PM CDT

Hello everyone- just a quick note to let everyone know that Andrea and Phillip are still having computer problems. It is in the computer hospital right now and hopes to be released in the next few days.

Ryan is doing great. Now he has a new puppy and a new baby sister, he is just too happy.

Please continue to pray for Phillip, Andrea, Ryan, and Elizabeth. Thank you for your prayers and support.

Nana

Wednesday, May 26, 2004 9:55 AM CDT

Hello all,

I think we may finally have the internet back up. Phillip has been working very hard to get it back up again so that we could get updates in the journal and pictures of Ryan and Elizabeth. We switched internet providers and have DSL now, but I don't think it was the internet, we think we have a virus and it is making our computer and internet all messed up.

Anyways, Ryan is doing wonderfully. He wants to be around Elizabeth all of the time. He helps feeding her, and he helped Nana give her a bath last night.

Phillip and I are definitely glad to have all of family members here, and to have radiation behind us. We do miss every one at Vanderbilt and everyone at Ronald McDonald House. Ryan misses everyone too, he asks about all of the all of the time.

Not a whole lot to update today. I just wanted to let you know that we are home and have the internet up, for the most part, we are still having problems. We are going to post new pictures as soon as we can. We have some really good ones of Ryan, also Ryan with Elizabeth.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support. Please continue to pray for Ryan as well as the other children in need of prayers and support.

Love to all,
Andrea

Sunday, May 23, 2004 8:51 PM CDT

Hello Everyone!!!!!
I'm signing this in place of Andrea and Phillip, they are a bit preoccupied tonight!

GOOD NEWS...GOOD NEWS...... At 1:04pm today Baby Elizabeth finally decided to grace this world with her presence. She weighted 10 pounds and is 19 inches long. Last I heard today mommy, daddy, ryan and baby were all doing good.

I would like to thank everyone for their support and prayers for the 4 of them. I know they couldn't make it thru this with out all of you!

We will try to keep the journal updated for all of you. Please keep signing the guestbook. Also, please keep praying for them and all the other families that are going through similar situations.

KEEP BEELIEVING!!!!!
Aunt Meme (Amy)

Friday, May 21, 2004 10:22 PM CDT

Hi everyone! Well, the news of today is that the doctor is going to induce Andrea's labor on Sunday morning. So, hopefully by Sunday afternoon we will have baby Elizabeth. That may seem a little unrealistic to some of you, but trust me she can do it.

Ryan is very anxious to have his baby sister here. In fact today he told them he wanted her here in two hours. He has decided that Andrea and Phillip have to call him Big Brother and call Elizabeth - Baby Sister. They are no longer Ryan and Elizabeth.

Ryan goes back to the doctor Thursday morning at Vanderbilt. I am sure it will be good news after the way he breezed through radiation.

I guess it is a good sign that there is not alot to tell everyone. Please continue to pray for Andrea, Phillip, Ryan, and Elizabeth, as well as the other kids on the Caring Bridges website.

Thank you for your support and prayers.

Nana

Thursday, May 20, 2004 6:16 PM CDT

Hi everyone! I am sure you are all anxious to hear from Andrea and Phillip, but they haven't been able to get the computer at home going yet. They have switched internet services and will soon have all of the internet problems behind them. So, I am the journalist in their absence.

Ryan finished his radiation treatments yesterday and they are all home together at the moment. I talked to all three of them today and they are doing fine. Ryan said he is really glad to be home with Mommy and Daddy.

Baby Elizabeth is still trying to make the decision as to whether or not she is going to make her appearance any time soon. Andrea goes to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully I will be able to give everyone an update after that.

Thanks to everyone for their support and prayers. The benefit that last weekend in St. Charles was alot of fun and a huge success. If we didn't have the rest of our families to help us through this, it would be so much harder.

Please continue to pray for Phillip, Andrea, Ryan, and Elizabeth. But, please include the rest of the family in your prayers, we don't always know what to say or do to help them. The only thing we can do is be there for them to lean on, support the decisions they make, and love them with all of our heart. Also, please pray for the troops in Iraq.

Don't forget to sign the guestbook!!!!!!

Nana

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 11:04 PM CDT

Hello all, Rayan had a pretty decent day today. He had a rather short temper but is very understandble with the little sleep he has getting. He did really well at the doctors today. Afterwards Ryan and i took a nice long nap. His nap seemed to help because he was a little more upbeant and hyper. We got out his new water gun and olayed for about an hour with it and he decided it was time to watch movies and play with his puzzles. When he got tired of that we went to the park and Aunt Renee chased us around with the wate gun. We all had a blast. It was a great day till it was time to come back to the RMDHRyan ran off and threw an apsolute fit. When i chased him down he bit me and hit me about 100 times. I felt so bad all i wanted to do is cry because i just couldn't control him. I think Aunt Renee was speechless and didn't know what to do. I wish i knew a better way to punish him without being mean to him. I try not to be hard on him as much because is sick. I wish this monster would just disappear and he could be normal little boy. I know we are all going to fight our hardest and we will pray as hard as we can but the rest is up to GOD. Ryan is actually asleep befor midnight tonight. i am done rambeling on now i just want to thank everyone again and keep beeleaving!!!!

I have a question for our family why is everyone always picking on Aunt Renee is has been a perfect angel(this week).
PS I just would like for everyone to pray for our little angels at caring bridge. One little one i would like for you to pray for a little extra harder for is 9 year old connor hunley he is from tn his family is suppose to be getting some bad news from his docs today. His mother Rhonda said "it is as bad as it gets" so please say a little extra prayer for him. if you would like his web sit it is
http:www.caringbridge.org/tn/connorhunley/

thank you
phillip

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 4:00 PM CDT

esterday was another godd ol' day with Ryan and Aunt Renee. Ryan didn't have to take his sleepy medicine in the room he walked straight back all by himself. I was pretty amased. After the his treatment we went to the Hilton for breakfast. Aunt Renee took Ryan over to the park to play. After they came back Aunt Renee told me about two little boys that Ryan was palying with she said he took charge right away(which i don't remeber the last time anyone else was in charge). He was telling them which way to run. They were gone for about an hour or so. He was pretty tired after that so we rested for awhile. We then went to Babies R Us. Ryan picked out all of the stuff we bought. He seems to be getting excited about getting a baby sister. He kept telling me that Elizabeth is coming to play with today. So we all thought that she would come yesterday, but she didn't. Since ryan was so good at The baby store we took him to Toy's R Us where we bought him a new water gun which is almost bigger then he is. We also bought 5 new puzzles yesterday( Aunt Renee thought that would keep him busy for a while). Well he was pretty good there also so we went to Chuck E Cheese. We had a blast Ryan won about 1/2 of the tickets we got by himself. After we got finished there we went back to RMDH. We started putting together his puzzles. We bought 5 new puzzles by the end of the night he had four of them done. Aunt Renee was very impressed she thought that would take him the rest of the week to finish them all. Ryan got a headache for the first time in a long while. His head ache did't seem to be as bad as they used to but he was complaining so i gave him some meds. About 30-45 mins later he said it didn't hurt anymore . I think it was just from being so tired. He hasn't been sleeping that good. He didn't got to bed till about 1 o'clock the monday night. He is going to start laying down a little earlier so maybe that will help, we will just have to sleep. Thank you for cheacking out our wedsite.

Thanks
Phillip

Tuesday, May 11, 2004 7:32 PM CDT

Yesterday was a really great day. Ryan Aunt Renee and I went to chuck E cheese (what else is new right). We won lots of tickes. We are saving to get ryan a big prize it is five thousand points and we are on a good track. He had a pretty lazy day after our trip to CC. He and Aunt Renee (the party animal)slept for a good three hours which gave me a chance to relax and rest as well. After their nap we went to Chili's for dinner. He order a corn dog and chicken stripps. Well when he got his corn dog he made me eat the outside so he could have a "dog on a stick". i am telling you what this boy is absolutly nuts i dont know where he gets what he says but he has me laughing all the time. i think that is what keeps our spirits up so high because his are so high. The smile on his face is better then any gift we could get and 9/10 thats waht you'll see is his beautiful little smile. So in my opinion Ryan is doin wonderful. Thank you for everything. Everyone is doin more then we could every imagian. Thank you and we love each and everyone of you>

phillip

Sunday, May 9, 2004 1:07 PM CDT

Today is Mother's Day. I hope you all have a wonderful one because every mother deserves to have a wonderful day and spend all of the time in the world with their children.

Friday Ryan was really good. His treatment went well and we only have 8 more to go. We really don't have a lot to report on him today, except he has wanted to go swimming all weekend. So today him and daddy went swimming for a little bit. He played out in the water yesterday while daddy washed the truck, we had a big water fight. He has done nothing but run around outside, ride his bike, and play in the water since we have been home. He is doing very well right now and for that we are very thankful, more thankful than you know.

Just to update anyone who would like to know about my progress, the doctor said on Friday I could go any day now. We are very ready. I fell yesterday in the wet grass, but landed on my knee, hit my belly though. We were watching her movement and we hadn't felt her move for about 2 hours so we decided to go to the hospital. I had made some progress from Friday, they kept me over night for observation and in hopes my contractions would make everything progress even further. But no such luck, they sent us home. Ryan was not a happy camper that mommy was at the doctor, he was afraid they were going to hurt me. I talked to him a few times on the phone and he asked if I had needles, I told him two. But I told him I was a big girl and didn't cry, just like he was a big boy and he didn't cry when they had to use needles on him. He said "I am not a big boy, I cry." I told him he was my big boy and it was ok that he cried when they used needles. He then just wanted to know when we were coming home and why I had to go to the doctor.

It is going to be really hard for me this next week because the doctors don't want me to go back to Nashville, so I won't be able to be with Ryan while he is going through treatment this coming week. He doesn't understand why mommy has to go to the doctor all of the time, he doesn't like it most of the time because he knows what the doctors do to him and they doesn't want them to hurt me too.

Anyways, sorry for rambling on and on. We are doing good right now. Thank you for all of your support, love and prayers. We APPRECIATE EVERYTHING everyone is doing for our family.

Love and Prayers,
Andrea

Thursday, May 6, 2004 4:00 PM CDT

We are now in single digits, only 9 treatments left to go.

Ryan is doing wonderfully, a little crabby and tempermental today but otherwise good.

Dr. Cmelak took him down to 0.5mg once a day for his steroids, so YEAH we are down again. He is not concerned about his eating habits, because he said it is just an effect of coming off of the steroids and his body having that excess fat stored still. As far as his hearing, he said that where Ryan's radiation is going into his head, his ear drums could be basically sun burned and it will go away with time. It could also be a little bit of three year old boy coming out in him. No not Ryan, stubborn. HEHE!!! His energy has decreased a little bit over the past few weeks, but now I think it is more typical for a three year old than it was before, because he was like the energizer bunny. He said it was him coming off of the steroids, plus the protocel sometimes has a tendency to take energy levels down when it is trying to work that tumor out.

Dr. Kuttesch was not in again today. His daughter was graduating from college, so we forgave him. They pretty well took Ryan's blood and did his counts today. They were excellent, better than last week. All of his counts went up from last week, and they said he looks absolutely wonderful. We were all very pleased to hear that, it was something we needed right now.

Sunday is Mother's Day and I hope you all have a wonderful one. I know I will cherish every moment I have with Ryan on Sunday, as I do everyday. We are going to spend it just the three of us, unless baby Elizabeth decides to come between now and then. I am ready for her, and I know her daddy is too, Ryan still wants me to put her back, but I think he will love her once she is here, but then again I would like to spend Mother's Day at home, instead of in the hospital, just the three of us the way it has been. Last year Phillip couldn't be here because he was in Georgia for basic training, so it is just going to be a family thing.

Thank you all again for your support, love and prayers.
Happy Mother's Day to the mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, and friends.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, May 4, 2004 8:06 PM CDT

We have completed 19 treatments, but unfortunately still have 11 to go. It is great news that we are so far into the treatments, but in the same sense it is not great news because I wish we didn't have to do any of them at all, ever.

Ryan did really good today. Uncle Cory and I went to treatments today, while daddy took some well deserved rest. He slept all the way to the hospital and Uncle Cory carried him into the hospital, he was pretty much out of it until they took his blood pressure and all of that good stuff. He laughed a little bit, whined just a few times, but for the most part he was pretty solemn. They took him back to have his treatment and sang him, his special song. He did tell us that he liked these doctors because they played with him and didn't hurt him. It was great to hear that he was no longer scared of them. He just goes right in, holds out his arm and finger, and lifts up his shirt for them to flush his port. He came back into the room already awake and sitting up. He let them do their thing and kept telling us we couldn't go yet because they had to take his blood. We had the hardest time trying to convince him that they did that yesterday and we don't have to do it again today. He walked right out of there and told them he would see them tomorrow.

He is starting to lose his hair behind his right ear. It wasn't very noticable at first but is getting progressively worse. We don't know if it is anything to be concerned about, but his appetite has dramatically decreased. We can hardly get him to eat anything right now. We do know that he will eat when he gets hungry but it is just a change from previous weeks. We are more sensitive to change now than we were before we found out he was sick. Everything that he does good or bad is a really big deal to us. Just about everytime you say anything to him anymore, he says huh or what. It is one of those things, is he being honory or can he really not hear us. He is having a hard time saying certain words, almost like his speech is getting worse, but on the same note you can understand him a lot better and he is learning to say so many new words. He just has to take his time when he talks. It is worse on some days than it is on other days, so it could be apart of what happens when he just gets overly exhausted.

We are all doing okay, but really tired and ready to be at home with some sort of routine. It is really taking its toll on all three of us to not be in our own home for so long, and then to always be so busy on the weekends. I think we are going to hybernate for a few weeks after we get home, but by then the baby will be here and everyone will want to see her, along with see Ryan and see how he is doing after all of his treatments are over. Which is okay by us too.

A few more children over last weekend have earned their angel wings. They are not suffering anymore and they no longer have to take medicine, but it really makes me MAD that any mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend, etc. has to go through any of this at any point in their life. I may play the poor pitiful me part tonight, but I was in the shower and just started crying. I sometimes can't help myself, especially being 37 1/2 weeks pregnant. I know we are going to beat all of this, but you sometimes think about all of the what if's, they hurt you everytime. What if some night I don't give him a kiss and tell him I love him before he falls asleep, trust me we try but he sometimes falls asleep before we have a chance to tell him, and it was the last chance I had to tell him. I don't even know how to express into words how I am feeling right now. I wish I could so that I could give all of you some small notion of how this is for us. It was hard this weekend to see Ryan go to his first circus and first baseball game, because you also think it could be his last. It is a possibility he may not see this time next year come around again. Trust me I am not giving up, but people ask me all of the time how are you doing. Here it is, I feel like I am doing horrible and am not handling myself very well at all. I always look at Ryan and think what a poor and innocent chld, why does he have to go through this, why him, why any child at all. He is just a baby, my baby at that. I am not ready to let go of him, I hope I never have to, but I will never be ready to let him go. I don't want him to suffer and I want him to always be happy. I pray every night, and so many times during the day that Ryan will get better and this tumor has picked the wrong little boy to mess with, but on the same note why would he only put him here and then tear him away from us, all of us. He has touched so many lives in the 3 1/2 years he has been here. Even people he has never met, we receive cards in the mail that tell us that Ryan has touched their lives. It is amazing what a child can do for you. He has made me see the sky bluer and grass greener in the past few months. I feel as though I appreciate life more everyday, and I do thank God everyday that he is here with us. I don't know what our lives would be like without him, and I don't want to find out. I love my baby boy so much and I don't want to lose him. It may be selfish, but I want him to stay here with us forever and do things in the order they are supposed to be, me first, not him.

I am terribly sorry, and this probably makes no sense written down. I have said the same things over and over again, but I needed to let it out.

Thank you for all of your prayers and your support. We are going to keep fighting and we are going to get through this and beat it. I know that Ryan can do it, he is a strong, stubborn, persistant, little boy who loves to prove people wrong, so he is going to prove those doctors wrong.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, May 3, 2004 8:32 PM CDT

The server is down at Ronald McDonald House, so I am filling in tonight. Ryan, Andrea, and Phillip spent the night Friday night at Uncle Cory's and Aunt Heather's. Saturday night he went to a circus with Brandon, Brady, and Logan. He really had a good time. One of the Shriner's clowns came to sit with him. He got to ride the ponies. He said his favorite part was the motorcycles in the metal cage. Ryan had good day Saturday, but by the time we got home from the circus he was pretty worn out. Sunday morning we got up and went to the Cardinals game. Ryan, mom, dad, Brandon, Brady, and Aunt Barb were able to go on the field, but they had to stay in a small roped in area behind home plate. The first autograph that Ryan got on his card's shirt was the Cub's coach!! They all thought it was pretty neat down there. Then for the game, we sat in the Coca-Cola Suite. Fred Bird came in and saw all the kids. Ryan and Brady thought that was really cool. Tony and Brandon tried to hide their enthusiasm. The Cardinal's won 1 to 0 in the 10th inning. Overall, Ryan really seemed to enjoy himself....until he realized that he wasn't going to be able to go to Uncle Cory's again before going back to RMH.
Andrea was having some pretty strong contractions most of the afternoon on Sunday. They stopped part way back to Nashville. She's still not feeling very well. She slept most of the morning, and then was nausious most of the afternoon.
Uncle Cory is at RMH with Ryan now for a few days. I can only imagine that Ryan is just TOOOO HAPPY with that. I'm sure they will be spending their days playing bat and ball.
We will post pictures with Fred Bird when they get developed.
Thank you all for all of your support and prayers. Please keep writing in the guestbook. It really means A LOT to all of the family. Please keep Praying for all of the other children and families that are going through hard times also.

Love to all,
Nana and Meme

PS. Our server is up again. Thank you Nana and Meme for filling in for us this evening. I wanted to let everyone know that Ryan is a featured child for May on the Tumbleweed Foundation web site. I hope everyone will visit him and the other children, www.tumbleweedfoundation.org. Thank you everyone, we appreciate all of the prayers, support and love.
Love to all,
Phillip and Andrea

Saturday, May 1, 2004 10:31 AM CDT

Well, when Phillip and Aunt Susan took Ryan to radiation yesterday morning. We found out some yucky news. Ryan does have 30 treatments now instead of 28. It is only 2 more, but it is also 2 more that we didn't want to have to go through. Someone made a mistake and wrote it down as 28 and then told us it was only 28, so we questioned the doctor because he has always said 30 and we wanted to make sure it was right. He came back and said it was 28, but then changed it to 30. I don't know, but now we have 30 treatments again.
Dr. Cmelak kept him at the same dose of steroids this week because he has been complaining of his neck hurting. They want to be safe than sorry, even though they think it is just because he slept on it wrong. He wants to make sure that is all it is, right now. So hopefully next week they will be able to taper them down again. He seemed to be quite please with the way everything was going so far, other than the stiff neck.
Dr. Kuttesch was unable to see us on Thursday, so we had a replacement doctor. We just never feel as comfortable with a new doctor just strolling in on us. We like our doctor, we are comfortable with him. But we do understand that he won't always be able to be there. So it is good for us to meet new ones and get used to everyone. He had blood work done and all of his counts were good. YEAH!! They didn't have much to say about anything. We had some questions and they said to wait until the next appointment and ask Dr. Kuttesch, well then why ask if we have questions if you can't answer them for us. I mean come on, what good is that doing us. It wasn't emergency questions or anything, but still you would think they would be able to answer them. Both of his ears are still a little bit red, but nothing to be concerned about, just to keep an eye on.
We came to Missouri yesterday, because we have a big weekend planned. We are going to the Circus in St. Louis, and then to a Cardinals game tomorrow. He is so excited about both. He didn't really have a sport that he liked and all of a sudden he has really taken a liking to baseball, so everything is baseball now. We are glad that he has something now that is outside, and something besides Chuckie Cheese. Even though he still goes there, it isn't quite as frequent.
He is doing really good. He seems to be the old Ryan again. It is amazing how this tumor can change one childs personality so much. He is starting to talk so much better and more clear. His hand and eye coordination is getting tremendously better. We are amazed everday by the improvements that he is making. We pray that it is the tumor shrinking and it will stay small and even disappear. He is going to be our miracle baby.
Thank you all again for your love, support, and prayers. We love to read the guestbook and have everyone sign it.
Please, pray for all of the other children and their families.
Love to all,
Andrea

Thursday, April 29, 2004 11:55 PM CDT

Today was another really great day with ryan! He was a really good boy during his radiation treatment. We had one of our first today the nurse Julie had to replace his porta cath because the needle was bent. Ryan whinned a little bit but he still layed very still and was very helpful and did what she told him to do. After radiation we had a doctors appoint it went pretty good also. After we finished up with the doctor we went to wal-mart and bought him his first baseball glove a real tee-ball bat and two new tee balls. He was so excited he kept going on and on about to everyone he saw even if didn't know them or or not. Aunt Susan Ryan and i went to chuck e cheese this evening. On our way there he was complaining that his porta cath was hrting him so i had to pull ove and cheack it. i was so afariad it had fallen out, not only that but i was afraid i might have to put it back in. Luckly it was only the tape pulling on his skin. We then made it to chuck e cheese. We had a blast he was showing us how to win tickets and telling us he was the best ticket winner in the world. On our way home we got lost I took the wrong exit and went about 30 miles out of way and the whole time ryan kept telling me "way to go daddy" and "thanks for getting us lost". He kept rubbung it in even when we got back to the Ronald McDonald House. Over all Ryan had a nother really good day. i am so glad to see the old Ryan again. Everyday he amazes me. He acts just like a "little man" he never really wants to go to the doctors but when we get there he knows what he has to do and and he gets t done and goes on with his day like nothing has happened. he is a very brave little kid. I just want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. We really apprciate everything everyone has done.

thank you very much

phillip

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 7:19 PM CDT

We have some good news!! We found out that Ryan only has 28 treatments instead of 30, so we are now on the downhill slope when we thought today was just that halfway point. The doctor always used the number 30, so that is what we kept telling everyont else. It was pretty exciting to know that he has two less than we thought. It could change and he could decide to do those other two or even more if need be, we don't know about that yet. We are going to talk to him about it tomorrow when he comes in to see how Ryan is doing on radiation.

He did really good today. He didn't cry when we went in or while we were there. He played baseball again today. Daddy was able to come back down from being at work for a day or so. He was excited to see him. Nana had to go back home, but he was more concerned about finding a baseball field than anyone leaving him. So, it was a good diversion. He has slept most of the evening, I definitely think he needed that because he was looking kind of tired and puffy today. But looks much better now that he has had a good nap and woke up for a few hours.

Not really a whole lot to report for today. I couldn't even tell anyone how I feel right now, and I don't think Phillip can either. We are happy that radiation is going so well and that he only has 12 more treatments left. We just try not to let all of those bad thoughts creep in our heads. We do wish Ryan wasn't so tempermental and we could go one day without him screaming at us or throwing a huge fit. In the mornings we understand because he has to go to the doctor, but sometimes it is because he just likes yelling and screaming. It is very frustrating for us, because we can't even talk to him at times. They are not as frequent but they seem to be getting worse. It is mainly when he doesn't get his way when he thinks he should, he doesn't like to have to wait for anything. He doesn't understand the concept of days quite yet, and he wants his needle out of his port, so Nana made him calender and put stickers on it, so he would know when the end of the week was coming. He wants it out NOW, and is unhappy with us for not taking it out. These doctors do what they can to help but then we have to pay the consequences for it. We try to explain it to him the best we can, how they are trying to help and the needle is so they don't have to poke him everyday. It doesn't work, he is stubborn and won't listen to us.
We have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning again with Dr. Kuttesch.
Thank you for your support and prayers. We love to see your guestbook entries.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, April 27, 2004 8:58 PM CDT

We are 14 down today with 16 to go, but in the morning it will be 15 down with 15 to go. How exciting is that to us all!!

Ryan was pretty well down right ticked off this morning when he had to go to the doctor. He threw a huge temper tantrum, but was over it by the time we got to the doctor and was really good there,except when he woke up he wanted his needle out. But, the treatment went good again today. They did inform us that they may have to do another simulation for radiation and make him a new mask because the radiation is making his face swell now, it is not the steroids. The swelling is making larger indentions on his face which look painful, so they are going to have to make him a bigger mask. They said it was normal for the type of radiation he is receiving, and they have never seen any permanent swelling but have read about people having some permanent swelling. I couldn't imagine what his face would look like, how swollen it would be if he was still on the high doses of steroids and the swelling hadn't gone down from that before it started swelling from the radiation. They didn't make it sound like it was something to be terrible concerned about, but we were so excited to see our baby back, because he was starting to look like his old self again. His facial features have changed so much, I think, that he doesn't even look like the same little boy anymore. But, we are adjusting to the new Ryan.

Today was a lazy day, Ryan just wanted to lay around this morning and put puzzles together. We then bought a new bat and ball because we left the other one in daddy's truck, so we played baseball in the field after we had a picnic in the grass. This evening we played ball again, and then went to the baseball field at the college and watched a game and Ryan was so excited. It was the gray team and the yellow team, because of the color shirts they had on, and of course he wanted the yellow team to win, which they were by quite a bit. He was cheering in the van. It was fun to watch him and his reactions to the game.

We had a good day today, but did have a couple of severe temper tantrums. He did get over those and was fine for a few more hours. I think he is just frustrated and really mad right now because he doesn't want to go to the doctor anymore. Besides his treatments and having to go to the docctor everyday he has a lot going on in his life. He is not in the comfort of his own home even though he does like being here at RMH, along with the anxiety of a new addition to the family coming, new people all of the time, it is just alot for a little boy to handle all at the same time. He just doesn't know how to react to all of it so he reacts in anger. It is very frustrating and hard to see him act this way because it then in turn makes you mad, not at him but at this disease, you never really aren't mad but it just flares up more at times than others. But, it is all apart of the process, unfortunately.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support, it means so much to us. Please sign the guestbook because not only do Phillip and I love to read what is written, it helps our family out too.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, April 26, 2004 9:11 PM CDT

Well everyone, I bet you were wondering where we went too.

Saturday-Ryan went swimming and he had a blast, but it was only for a short while because we wanted to go and see a movie. We went and saw Home on the Range, and he was laughing so hard that he had us laughing. Meme and Brandon came down for the weekend and he loved that, just to much. We went to the FOE meeting on Saturday night, so they could all meet Ryan. It was wonderful to meet everyone, they are doing a Poker Run for him in July. We had such a wonderful time, Ryan was shy at first but then got over that and had warmed up to most of the people.

Sunday-We just played outside part of the day and then came down to Nashville. He wasn't to happy about that because he wanted to go home with Meme and Brandon, and still wants too. We just kind of lounged around and then went to bed, nothing to exciting.

Monday-We had to wake up early and go to the doctor and he had to have his port accessed. We hate Mondays because he had a break and was free for two days. He then has to come back and start all over again, but we are almost halfway done. He was throwing a fit this morning, but eventually calmed down. He was not happy when they put the needle in to access his port especially when it bent and they had to do it again. Mommy and Daddy weren't to happy either, but those needles look so flimsy and if you don't hit it in just the right spot then it will hit the metal and bend. He was okay after that, and then got the happy medicine and went right back with them so he could get treated. He woke up right away and was in a very good mood all day long. We have had another really lazy day today again. We all three took naps and colored most of the day. It was very nice and relaxing.

Phillip and I went to a support group tonight for brain tumors. We really enjoyed it and are definitely going back. It was all adults with tumors, no parents with children, but it still helped out a lot because we were able to better understand he may feel about some of these things he is going through. It gave us a different perspective on things, also how all of them have out lived their prognosis.

Ryan has been complaining a bit of his eyes hurting and they have been a little red, but they think it is just dry eyes. So no big concerns right now but still something to watch out for.

So we are all doing really good right now.

Love to all,
Andrea

Friday, April 23, 2004 9:48 AM CDT

We just got done at yet another radiation treatment. We have 12 down and 18 more to go, the numbers are changing quickly.

I wanted to drop a short journal before we went home for the weekend, because our internet is ridiculous and kicks me off all of the time. I then get frustrated and want to throw the dang computer through the window.

He went in with no trouble again today, laughing and playing. He even took a picture with Trish, his nurse for anestethia. He said she is his favorite. He went back awake again, but his time they had to search for the bald headed pink ranger, which is Dr. Landsman. He told Ryan one day that he wanted to be the pink power ranger and we have not let him forget it yet. But he is getting much lighter as far as them being able to carry him. You could barely tell he had a mask on today because his cheeks have gone down so much. When they took his trumpet out of his nose there was nothing on it, so that is a good sign because it means his congestion has gone down quite a bit, in the past week.

He woke up on his own today and was ready to go. He was actually in a good mood. They don't have to give him as much medicine to make him fall asleep now, so he wakes up in a much better mood it seems. It seems like everyday just gets better and better. He is becoming such a big boy, and lifts up his shirt for them to do what they need to on his porta cath. He doesn't scream when they have to take his blood pressure, he sat in the chair all by himself and held still without even crying or whimpering. He hates to have his blood pressure taken more than anything. He walked right out of the hospital on his own two feet, daddy didn't have to carry him.

Please pray that the next 3 1/2 weeks go as good as this last week seemed too. I hate Mondays because they have to access his port again, but let's pray it isn't as bad this coming Monday as it has been in the past few.

Also, please pray for the other children who are in need of those prayers.

I will probably not write another journal until Sunday.

Love to all,
Andrea

Thursday, April 22, 2004 9:15 PM CDT

We have 11 down and 19 more to go!!

Dr. Cmelak, radiation oncologist, reduced his steroids again, down to 1 mg once a day. He wasn't in quite the good mood today thay he was in yesterday when we went to the doctor, but in a much better mood than he has been in the past. So we were very pleased about that because it means he will get off of these darn things soon hopefully. He did really good today again as far as radiation. They didn't put him to sleep today before they took him back to the machine and he went right back with him. So he is getting used to this whole routine and is getting more familiar with the nurses and doctors. He still doesn't like to go but is doing a lot better about being there. The indentions on his face from the mask were not severe at all today, you could barely see them, that is a good thing because his cheeks aren't as puffy from the steroids.

Dr. Kuttesch did a blood count today, and they are very good. We were very relieved. He has a very slight ear infection in his right ear, but nothing to be concerned about, just some antibiotics and he was on his way. It was a very short visit because everything is running so smoothly right now. The doctors seem to be very impressed and a bit surprised at how he is handling the radiation. They look shocked at times when we tell them about his wonderful attitude, his huge appetite, and just small things that they ask us about and Ryan has none of them. So they seem to be very pleased with it all. I just pray to GOD that his tumor shows as much positive feedback as his body is right now, when it comes time for his next MRI.

He actually took a nap today, along with mommy and daddy. It was sort of a fight but once he gave up he went to sleep.

He still was having a good day, laughing and playing. It is wonderful to see him this way. Even some of the people here at RMH say how nice it is to hear laughter. We pray we have many more of these days to come.

I met a woman tonight here that has a 9 year old daughter, who has CML, which is a form of leukemia. She has had two bone marrow transplants over the past two years. They basically told them today that they should take her off of life support and prepare for the worst. Please pray for this little girl named Emily, along with all of the other children in this world who are having to endure this kind of pain and are very strong by fighting the way they have.

Love to all,
Andrea

Wednesday, April 21, 2004 7:13 PM CDT

No one is ever going to guess where we went to today, never in a million years. Well, ok I am sure someone can beings that we have gone to the same place 3 times in two weeks, yeap you are right Chuck E Cheese.

Ryan had an absolutely wonderful day today. He woke up with a smile on his face and was laughing all morning and even when we got to the hospital for treatment. We are in double digits now, 10 down and 20 to go. We are so excited those numbers are changing so fast, but sometimes not fast enough. Today the doctors and nurses all had to come and see Ryan for themselves because he was not crying or screaming and actually smiled and talked to all of them, most of them did not realize he was the same little boy. It made us all feel good along with making him feel better. Everyone has said take it one day at a time and this is proof that everyday is going to be different than the last. His swelling on his face has gone down, his tummy has gotten smaller.

NO HEADACHES for over three weeks, yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!

We went back to the radiation room and we were able to see him while he was getting his treament. It was only on a little tv from the video camera because of course we were not allowed in the room while he was getting his treatment, but then we went into the room next to his and was able to see the machine up close and personal. It is a big machine, very intimidating, I can see why they put him to sleep before he has to go back there. I think I would be scared too. It was interesting but at the same time very heartbreaking to see you baby in that room all by himself, with his mask on, and strapped down to a point so he couldn't move.

We have a doctors appointment tomorrow right after treatment. I hope all goes well there and maybe they will be able to cut back on his steroids a little bit more. Somedays his attitude seems to be worse while they are tapering those dang things than when he was on higher doses. I think it is just spoiled rotten, if you ask me.

He got sick for the first time on taking his Protocel this morning. It was his 5:30 am dose, he swallowed it and took a drink of his juice and less than two minutes later it was all back up again. I took it as a good sign, because he was only sick for that short amount of time and has had a really good day today.

He told us today that he wanted Brandon, Brady, Tony and Miki to come and watch him play his game, but Miki couldn't play because he doesn't have fingers he has scratches. It was so funny the way he said it. I need to start carrying a notebook around with me everywhere I go and write down the things he says, because lately he has come up with some good ones that have Phillip and I laughing so hard we can't catch our breath. He was on the phone with my mom this evening and said, so seriously Let me ask you a question and then asked her something about a DVD.

He sure is a dandy little thing these past few days.

We have a newcomers meeting tomorrow evening for a support group here in Nashville for children with cancer. It sounds like it really may help all three of us out right now and in the future to deal with this horrible thing.

Talk to you all really soon. I hope I have more good news to report tomorrow.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, April 20, 2004 5:52 PM CDT

We are almost into double digits now. We have 9 down and 21 more to go.

He was good this morning, he woke right up got his clothes changed and cried a bit about having to go to the doctors yet again, but didn't throw a big fit about it like he normally does. We had Dr. Hays today for treatment and he is funny, he had Ryan actually laughing before he even had any medicine. But of course Ryan couldn't let anyone see him smile, especially there because he has this reputation to uphold as a grumpy, crabby little boy who doesn't know how to smile. I think he is getting more used to the situation day by day. He just does not like Mondays, having to go back after a break, and them having to access his port for the sedation. Mondays are hard for mom and dad too. But radiation went very well again, they had to use a trumpet for his nose again, it is to help keep his airway open while he is still sedated because he has a stuffy head. It makes his nose hurt, so that is the only thing he has complained about today, besides how mean mommy and daddy are and he doesn't like us.

He threw a bit of a temper tantrum this morning, and actually hit me as I was telling him to go to bed. I hate those times when he acts like that, but what mother or even father doesn't, sick or not sick. You literally hate to have your children act like that, but I called my mom and just cried and said I can't do this anymore. But she calmed me down and I got over my self pity party and moved on, realizing this was not doing anyone any good. I try not to break down, but sometimes trying to stay strong all of the time is for the birds. I feel I have to stay strong for other people, don't ask me why, and to stay strong for Ryan. He hates to see me cry or upset at all, and trust me even if I walk out of the room and do it he still knows. He is a very smart little cookie, very intuitive to his mother's feelings. He asks me, Mommy what are you feeling? But all is well now, and we made up he was just having a crabby morning after he woke up from the sedation.

But for once, I let his daddy and papa take him over to the park and play ball for a bit while I stayed here and made some phone calls, but more importantly I did nothing. I sat in the chair and didn't turn on the computer or tv. It was nice for a bit but then I couldn't stand the silence anymore.

So, Ryan went to the park and played ball and hit five in a row from what I hear, and they were hard ones that went far. He seemed to have a lot of fun but was not happy when he had to come back inside. We laid around for a bit and then went to the mall because he has been begging us to buy the Pikachu game he plays at Uncle Cory's house. Well, in order to buy the game we had to buy the system it went on because we don't have it. We walked out of the store with a Nintendo Game Cube, two games, another controller, and a memory stick. Never in my life did I think I would buy something like that for a 3 year old, but he plays it really well, and right now whatever brings him enjoyment is fine by me. But under normal circumstances, no it wasn't going to happen in his wildest dreams.

We ask that you pray for our other caringbridge children also. Isaac had an MRI yesterday, so pray all went well, and Cheyenne still has not heard from the radiologist about her MRI from last week, pray the density change was from the protocel and her tumor is not active again.

Thank you so much for everything.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, April 19, 2004 8:47 PM CDT

Well we are 8 down and 22 more to go!!!

It will soon be the other way around. I can't wait. I don't have much to report. Today was a pretty good day. He was very honory and got sent to bed a few times today.

Radiation went really good today except they had to access his port and he always hates that part of the whole thing. They are still very impressed with how he is handling radiation and everything right now.

We have colored all day long and played go fish about 300 hundred times today. It was an absolutely beautiful day today, and we went across the street to the park and played ball. He was really good and had a lot of fun.

I forgot to tell everyone that on Saturday a lot of our friends had a car wash fundraiser for us and did really well at it also. We were only there for a few hours because it was to hot for Ryan and he wanted to leave because he didn't feel good. But, we appreciate everyone doing it for us and also appreciate the people that came by to have their car washed. It means so much to us that we have such great support, here and back home in Missouri.

Love to all,
Andrea

Sunday, April 18, 2004 9:04 PM CDT

Okay, we are back now, so I have a computer that doesn't kick me off of the internet every 5 seconds. I can actually get something done now.

Friday-It was a really lazy day for Ryan. The doctors were really impressed with the improvement he had made from Monday until then, as far as how he looked and his congestion. We went out to eat Pizza Hut because Ryan wanted pizza and to look for him some sandals like daddy's. Nana had to go home and that was a trying time for Ryan and I both, Phillip to because he is the one that had to put up with us both. Neither Ryan or I wanted her to go, we actually asked her to stay with us, but she can't and we understand completely.

Saturday-We woke up late. YEAH!!!! It was a wonderful feeling. Mema, Papa, Uncle Greg, and cousin Crystal came down to see us. Ryan was pretty excited about it. We went to Chucke E. Cheese again, because he wanted them to all go with him. We had a lot of fun and won some really cool prizes. I think most of the time he was walking in his sleep, but all in all had a really good day.

Sunday-Mema, Papa, Uncle Greg, and cousin Crystal had to leave today. He was not happy about that either, he wanted them to quit their jobs and move down with him also. He wants everyone just to move to Kentucky. Papa Denny came down this evening to stay the week at the hotel. He has someone leave and then someone come in really quick, so he is preoccupied until the next person has to leave again. We played Go Fish most of the day and colored with a new coloring book that he got from Nana Rosemary. He calls it his homework. We have found the way to get Ryan to take a bath, daddy takes one with him. They sing in the tub and they have crayons that he can color with in the bath tub. It was very amusing. He is now in the process of taking his medicine and is not a happy camper right now.

It was a good weekend but I think he is very tired. He is just so sick of taking medicine all of the time. It seems as though we are lowering his steroids every week, but also are getting put on more medicine because of the side effects of the steroids. We are trying to avoid giving him more oral medicine than we have too. We are going to start some essential oils, one you rub on the back of his neck where the tumor is, and the other you rub on the bottom of his feet. The one for the back of the neck is supposed to open up his vessels and help with the tumor, the one that you rub on his feet is supposed to help with emotions, like fear, anxiety, and relax him, also with some other things that we thought would be good for Ryan to try, and it is thankfully nothing he has to take by mouth.

Well, it is way past betime and Ryan is still up and ready to go, so I need to get him to sleep. We have to start another week of radiation tomorrow.

Love to all,
Andrea

Saturday, April 17, 2004 10:38 PM CDT

Hello all,

Today has been a good day. Our computer is going haywire right now, so I will update further tomorrow when we are back at the RMH. I tried to update pictures too and ended up deleting the ones I had and not being able to upload anymore. Sorry everyone, I think it is the internet we are going to try and get different service as soon as we can.

Talk to you all really soon,

Love to all,
Andrea

Thursday, April 15, 2004 4:38 PM CDT

GOOD NEWS!! GOOD NEWS!!

Ryan is doing better than expected with radiation as far as handling it all. The doctors are very impressed that he is doind as well as he is with the amount of radiation they are giving him and where the radiation is being given. We have cut his steroids in half, he only takes 1 mg twice a day now. I unfortunately did not go with him today to radiation treatments, because I was told I needed to rest a little bit. Nana and Daddy went today and they said Ryan did so good. His radiation oncologist was the one who cut back his steroids and said all of the positive things about how well he was handling everything. He said since Ryan has been doing so well for the past six treatments things should continue to go well throughout the treatments.

Dr. Kuttesch (neuro-oncologist) was glad to hear all about Ryan's progress and the way they are able to cut back on his steroids. He is not concerned about the whole eye thing, or the congestion. He thinks Ryan rolling his eyes is just Ryan when he gets tired and is trying to fight his sleep. He did tell us that he has not seen a case like Ryan's but maybe 2 or 3 times since he has been practicing, so it is really hard to say how the tumor will react to any of the treatments. I am looking at that in a positive way, because they don't have as many statistics on his type of tumor. It is an infiltrating pontine glioma, with an exaphidic part, but instead of growing backwards towards his skull it grew forward towards his facial features and is pushing down on his pituatary gland, that is what makes his so rare. He is very impressed to hear of Ryan handling the radiation treatments so well, his little body and all.

Knock on wood! We have not had to use the codeine for a headache in about 2 or 3 weeks, because he has not had a headache for a very long time. This has been the longest he has gone without a headache since around Christmas. He does sometimes have trouble with balance, and a kind of lazy right leg. But it is mostly when he is just competely exhausted, and just doesn't seem to have the energy to tell his leg to lift up all of the way. He picks it up but the tips of his toes drag the ground. But no concerns from the doctors they said it is just because his brain is tired at those points and doesn't have the energy to pick that leg up, it doesn't mean things are getting worse. But we still consider those bad days, it could be a lot worse and we pray that it doesn't get any worse than that and all we have to report is good news from here on out.

We went to the Nashville zoo this afternoon. We had a really rocky start but ended up having a great time. Ryan wouldn't take his medicine for me and I lost my patience with him. He was fighting me to take his medicine and I had to literally hold him with one arm and squirt the med in his mouth with the other, he ended up jerking and I squirting it all over his face while he was in the process of spitting it out of his mouth. It was all over his face and shirt. I was not happy with him at all and I let go of him as he was trying to get free from my arm and he just about fell backwards and hit the stroller. I threw the medicine dropper on the ground and burst into tears. He was crying I was crying, it was just not good, and everyone was looking at us as they passed by us. I try so hard not to lose my patience with him, but I did today. Phillip went in to get him a new shirt and clean him up while I sat outside and cried. I hated myself for acting that way and for losing it with him. But he took the rest of his meds and we went on, he then did not want in the stroller but was getting tired. So we made him sit in it, and as we were pushing him at a steady pace he just stood up and got out. Fell flat on his face, and besides him being hurt all I could think about was him busting his needle in his porta cath. But he cried and got right up, but didn't sit back in his stroller the rest of the way. We then had a wonderful time and Ryan was pretty well an angel the rest of the day. He saw all of the animals and even made faces and noises at them. He is now really tired and is just going to have a lazy evening because we have a big weekend again. Mema, Papa, Uncle Greg, and cousin Crystal are coming to see us. He is pretty excited, but doesn't want Nana to go home either.

Love to all,
Andrea

PS Keep praying for Ryan and all of the other children.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004 8:33 PM CDT

We gave five down and twenty-five more to go. I know everyone is probably counting with me.

Ryan has his treatment as scheduled this morning but than had an unexpected doctor's appointment afterwards. The anesthiologist had some concerns, Ryan had some head congestion, labored breathing, and his eyes were rolling back into his head. So, to be on the safe side we had to go to the oncology clinic clinic this morning. But, all went well and they said there was nothing to worry about, we had a chest xray, just for precautions but they said his lungs sounded very clear. As far as the labored breathing it could be caused from the extra weight gain and congestion in his nose. The congestion could be allergies or even possibly, hopefully the Protocel starting to work already, because it is supposed to come out in runny nose. The eye thing, it only happens when he is really tired and has taken the sedation medicine, so the doctors think it is something Ryan just does and is nothing of any concern right now, if it were to get worse then maybe.

Let's see, we went and played at the park for a little bit this afternoon, but Ryan got really tired so we went back to RMH and I ended up taking a nap while he watche a movie. We then went to a small carnival they are having here in Nashville, and Ryan rode rides, and played a few games. He won some prizes, and he seemed to have a lot of fun. But it got really cold all of a sudden so we decided to leave because we didn't want Ryan to get more sick with his head cold. So, we came back here, ate dinner and watched more movies.

We still have our follow up appointment tomorrow with his neuro-oncologist. Pray all goes well.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, April 13, 2004 7:32 PM CDT

We have four treatments down now.

He had another hard day of waking up this morning. He just doesn't want to come out of it and is so terribly cranky. When we got back to RMH, he choked on a banana and then went to the bathroom to get it up. Afterwards, he was swaying really bad and his eyes rolled back into his head. I didn't know what to do, I was so scared. After it was all said and done I think a part of it was from him trying to eat to fast and also the tube they put down his throat while he is sedated. I think the swaying and stuff was still a bit of the anesthetic. At least I am praying that it was and they are not going to have to put a feeding tube in or anything like that because he is having a hard enough time with his porta cath, I don't know that he could deal with one of those too. You try not to think the worst, but you always have to be prepared for anything with this nasty thing.

He had a very lazy day today. He took a relly good nap, than woke up and was very cranky again. Ryan and Nana had a 45 minute crying session with one another. He just held onto her so tight and didn't want to let go. It seems as though he is just terrified out of his mind right now and doesn't understand why we are taking him to the doctor all of the time. We tell him it is to help his head because he has a boo boo in it and they need to fix it, so he won't have to take anymore medicine and won't have anymore headaches. After he had his screaming fit and his crying moment, he was ok for the rest of the evening. He has eaten really good tonight.

We played with the balloon kit he got for Easter from Mema Pat and Papa Bob. He laughed so hard and had a lot of fun with it. We made a lot of goofy animals, or at least they were supposed to be animals.

We have a follow up appointment with his neuro-oncologist on Thursday. He just wants to see how Ryan is doing on radiation and how things are going for him. Hopefully he will taper him off of the a little bit more and we can work on getting him off of these nasty things, because I don't like the way he acts while he is on them, and I am sure he doesn't like the way it makes him feel.

We are coming up on Ryan's one month date from diagnosis. It is kind of scary to know that one month is already gone, it seems as though it had gone by so fast. I know God has a purpose for Ryan, but I pray his purpose is here on earth living a healthy life. You try not to think about the prognosis the doctors gave us but you can't help but think about it everyday that goes by is another day that is gone from us. Sometimes there are not enough hours in the day to spend with him, and with radiation that is six weeks that are gone from him and us. I don't like when we have to go into the hospital and he just cries and pleads with you to take him home. He actually begs to leave, it breaks your heart and you want to rip him up and run away as fast as you can to where nothing can find you. Because we don't know if radiation is going to help or if it is just going to make him feel worse for the next six weeks, but right now that is pretty much our only option. We just want it to all go away and act like none of it happened, crawl under a rock or something.

We will talk to you all again really soon.

Love to all,
Andrea

Monday, April 12, 2004 5:54 PM CDT

We have 3 down and 27 to go for radiation treatments.

Today Ryan was not a happy camper when he found out that we were going to the doctor yet again this morning. He cried and cried today. But once he had his IV tube in his porta cath and they gave him the GOOD medicine, he didn't know the difference. He had a very hard time waking up this morning, more so than usual. We are wondering if it wasn't because of the barometric pressure, it affects a lot of things. He was not the happy go lucky kid we had on Friday when he woke up, but came out of it late morning. He was then a laughing, silly, little boy. He had me laughing so hard that it made my stomach sore, and I couldn't even tell you what he was doing, I think it was just because he was laughing so hard. It was a great feeling for us and I bet for him too.

We went to Chuckie Cheese today for lunch, and he won lots and lots of tickets. He had a really good time there too. He played lots of games, laughed, and ate more than I did.

We started him on Protocel last night before he went to bed, so we have been on it for almost 24 hours now. He has been taking it so good even though it looks and smells so bad. I almost wonder if he knows that it is supposed to make him better, so that is why he is not fighting us about it. He just takes it right down, and then takes a few swallows of water to wash the taste out of his mouth. We are praying it does the trick and helps him. It was very scary for us to give him this last night because we didn't know how his body was going to react or if it was even going to help. We just don't like putting new things into him that we don't know what kind of affect it is going to have on him. But so far so good, keep praying it stays that way and does the trick.

Well, Ryan is hungry so we must go eat now because the BOSS has spoken.

Love to all,
Andrea

Sunday, April 11, 2004 8:43 PM CDT

Well, we are back at RMH. We do radiation again tomorrow morning. But today we have Nana here for the week, so Ryan is pretty excited about that one.

Ryan had a good weekend. Saturday he was kind of dragging and his balance was off a bit. He just kept tripping over his own two feet and just couldn't seem to get it right no matter how hard he tried, but I think part of that could have been that he was really tired. He sometimes gets like that when he is totally exhausted.

Today he hunted easter eggs and found bunches of eggs. The Easter Bunny was really good to Ryan this year, and he was just to excited about finding all of those eggs. He dyed eggs last night and is still green with a tint of blue. He really enjoyed that, I think that may have been his favorite part of the weekend.

We have another friend of ours that earned his angel wings on Friday morning. His name is Jacob Rudisaile. We ask that you pray for his family and visit them to tell them they are in your prayers, www.caringbridge.org/mo/jacobrudisaile

Love to all,
Andrea

Thursday, April 8, 2004 7:09 PM CDT

We have some very saddening news about one of our caringbridge children. It is a little boy named Jake Griffin, he is a little over 5 years old. He earned his angel wings early this morning. He was diagnosed with a diffused pontine glioma over two years ago. We ask that you pray for his family as well as the other children and their families.

Ryan had his very first radiation treatment this morning. The actual radiation went very well today and he was such a sport. He did not like having to there and hour early, and being stuck so they could put his IV in this morning. Even though he has a porta cath, they still have to put an IV line in for the medicine to go into for his sedation. He doesn't like doctors, he doesn't want to be a big boy anymore if it means he has to see them. He called the nurse a bad person today. We have been trying to explain to him that they are only trying to help him feel better and not have anymore headaches. He doesn't buy that and doesn't want to go back ever again. He woke right up from the sedation and walked out of the hospital.

We have had a very happy and playful day again. We were really worried how he would react to the radiation and sedation this morning, but he reacted very well and we are so proud of him. He is our big strong guy. The doctors are starting to taper his steroids, so he takes the same amount of milligrams but only twice a day instead of three times a day. We are just so excited about that one. We are just going to have to watch him very close to make sure his brain is not swelling again, because if it does than we have to increase the dose again.

We are going to be gone again this weekend, so I think the next journal entry will be Sunday night or Monday. We will then let you all know how this weekend went and if Ryan was able to catch a peak at the Easter Bunny.

Love to all,
Andrea

PS Please visit Jake's sight and let his family know you are praying for them.
Jake Griffin

Wednesday, April 7, 2004 8:38 PM CDT

We are here in Nashville at the Ronald McDonald House. It is so nice here, we have a suite with a kitchen and living area along with a bedroom. Almost like a small efficiency apartment. It may not be so bad to stay here for six weeks.

We had a very good day today. It was good from beginning to end. We did have a few rough stops but for the most part it was an excellent day. He has been in a very good mood all day and very playful. He hasn't hardly laid on the couch at all today, which is definitely a change for him, the way he has been acting since he was put on all of this medicine. He has been laughing all day, and just a silly three year old little boy. He played outside in his new Jeep Wrangler for about an hour if not longer, and drove a path in the grass. He even visited all of the neighbors by driving his Jeep to their houses. It was so wonderful to see him so full of life and happy today. I can't even express what it was like to see him laugh and play like he did today.

We came here tonight and he was pretty excited to see the computer in our room and Playstation. They made ziti with sauce. Ryan took one bite, and this is really the first time he has scared me like that since the diagnosis, he was choking but could still talk and breathe a bit. I don't know if it went down the wrong way or what, but he was turning pale with a tint of blue, and his eyes were watering. He just couldn't seem to get it to go down at all, no matter how hard he tried. He was finally able to get it down, and all was well but for the rest of dinner he did not look good. It was the worst I had seen him for awhile, even worse than he looked yesterday. But he finished eating and than was fine. It was a very short terrible look, but it was really scary.

He went to the dentist today. He doesn't have any cavities and nothing wrong with his gums. The dentist said that he was good to go, and prescribed us some fluoride treatments for while he is in radiation.

Tomorrow is our big day. We are going to start radiation. I can't even tell you how I feel about it, and I have no idea how Phillip is feeling right now. I know that I am very scared about tomorrow and the weeks to come. Right now I am feeling things that I can't really express because it is so many things all rolled into one, just plain MAD!! We are afraid for him, because we don't really know what it is going to do to him. They can tell us all of the possible things that can happen while in radiation until they are blue in the face, but that doesn't mean it is going to happen to Ryan, but on the same note it could and that is in the back of our minds. We can tell somewhat for how scary this is for him because he does not like doctors at all anymore, and can't stand the sight of the hospital. But we don't know what he is feeling or thinking about all of this right now. Phillip and I are having a hard time with all of this and don't understand what exactly is going on or why, so how is Ryan dealing with this and does he really know. How do you explain to a three year old how sick he is for him to understand that the doctors are trying to help not hurt?

Right now we are just having hard time making him understand things that we don't even understand right now. I know the doctor's said it is nothing that we have done or didn't do, this is no fault of ours, but I just don't understand WHY? We try to think in a positive manner, and not think of all of the negative things, because it does us no good to dwell or get all depressed. But that is really hard and occassionaly we have our break downs and think of all of the bad things, but then quickly put all of that into the back of our heads. We are going to fight and we are going to win. But one of our big questions is, What if we don't win? What are we going to do then? We pray very hard all of the time for the health of our baby boy, and we pray for all of the other children and families that have to endure the same things that we are going through right now. I can honestly say, that this is one of those things that I never thought would happen to us. We had a healthy little boy and never thought I would have to worry about something like this taking over our lives. We were naive, but now that our eyes are open and realize this can happen to anyone, we pray for all the children with an illness, and pray for those who don't have one, in hopes they never have to go through this, because it is a battle just about every minute of everyday.

Well, I better go now. I have been rambling on and on and everyone probably wishes I would stop.

We will let everyone know how tomorrow goes, and keep praying.

Love to all,
Andrea

Tuesday, April 6, 2004 8:40 PM CDT

Today, Ryan hasn't moved off of the couch much today. It was an absolute beautiful day today and we had to make him get up and go outside. He cried the entire time. We let him go back inside and lay back on the couch. He hasn't slept much today. He said his belly hurt earlier. But it feels better now. His fever went away last night, and he had a low grade one earlier today, but it went down right away also.
He had a neurology appointment today. The doctor said that if he had not had the diagnosis right in front of him then he would have diagnosed Ryan as being a healthy 3 year old little boy with migraine headaches. He never would have guessed he had the disease he has, because all of the neurological tests were passed with flying colors. We thought that was a good sign, because it meant the tumor isn't slowing him down any, right now. He has his good days and bad days that slow him down, but as far as brain functions go it is not slowing him down any as far as he could tell.
His good days are getting closer together, and the good times are lasting longer throughout the day. He has been lazy today but lately he is not as groggy during the day. He laughs and smiles more, which is a wonderful sight to see.
He has a dentist appointment tomorrow to get his teeth cleaned, and checked out. We are leaving for the Ronald McDonald house tomorrow sometime, so we can start radiation on Thursday morning.
We love you all!

Monday, April 5, 2004 8:12 PM CDT

Today was the day for the port cath. It wasn't as bad as we thought it was going to be considering he had nothing to eat again this morning. He was an absolute angel, we colored and put puzzles together until they gave him his silly medicine. His daddy had him laughing so hard at one point Ryan said, "Daddy stop I can't breathe." Everyone on the entire floor could probably hear him. It was a very wonderful sound. Not one we hear very often. They took him down for surgery around 11:00 am. We were able to see him in recover around 1:00 pm. He was so ready to go home, and we finally left around 3:00 pm. They said everything went really good, as long as he eats and drinks okay then everything should be good to go. So, he has his port cath in now. He is already pointing it out, so we are going to try and not bring attention to it. I know people are probably going to want to see it at one point or another, but we want him to try and forget about it, so we don't want to point it out to him.
He fell asleep this evening and woke up with a fever, bright red face, and very sweaty. He didn't look very good at all, so we called the doctor and we are just going to monitor him over the next few hours and see how things go before we take him anywhere. It is already starting to go down a little bit and he is definitely acting better since he woke up.
He has a neurology appointment in the morning.
We will keep you all updated on what is going on.
Thank you again for all of your love, prayers, and support.

Sunday, April 4, 2004 9:45 PM CDT

Oh my goodness, we have had a big weekend.
Friday-We went and stayed in a hotel and went swimming. Ryan of course didn't swim to long because he got tired and a tad bit cranky. We went with my nephews. Everyone seemed to have a really good time. We also got our family pictures taken that morning, so I can't wait for those to come in, so everyone can see them.
Saturday-We went swimming again. Then ran some errands and laid around all day. But later that night, Ryan went and stayed with a babysitter for the evening, while mommy, daddy, nana, uncle cory, aunt heather, and meme, all went to the Alan Jackson and Martina McBride concert in St. Louis. It was really hard to leave him at first because it was the first time we have left him since all of this has began that was longer for just an hour, and we only did that once, so we could go to the store. We know that we need to get away sometimes to have time to ourselves, but we also are afraid something is going to go wrong while we are away, and also know that it is time that we are away from him at the same time. If you know what I mean. But all went well and we picked him up and he was very happy to see us. He had a lot of fun, he ate pizza, played at the playground, and drew pictures on the driveway with sidewalk chalk. It is a friend of Cory and Heather's that is an RN, so we felt pretty confident with leaving Ryan with her.
Sunday-We had a big Easter Egg Hunt. Ryan had a lot of fun, because he was talking about it when we got home tonight. He wasn't feeling very good today, so laid around a lot in Nana's van, and on the picnic benches, but had enough energy to get up and play every once in awhile. He did hunt for eggs, and won the big prize, which was battery operated Jeep Wrangler, he was just to excited for words. They had a big blow up jumpy thing that he played on for awhile. Our family met two new friends named Carl and Michael that made a song for Ryan, it will be posted on the web site very soon. He is very tired now and really needs to go to sleep
We have a big day tomorrow also, he is having his port cath put in at Nashville in the morning. We will let everyone know how that goes.
We want to thank everyone for today, everything that you all have done cannot be expressed in words. It was a very special day for all of us, to be around our family. We wouldn't know what to do right now if it weren't for ALL of our family and friends, on both sides. We have such a support group and it helps out a lot. We have no words to express how much we appreciate everything everyone is doing.
We love you all!!!!

Thursday, April 1, 2004 10:35 PM CST

Today started off as not such a good day, but ended up being an absolutely wonderful day.
Ryan woke up this morning hungry but we could not feed him because he had his simulation today and had to be sedated. He cried for over 3 hours straight for his pop tarts. I was not very happy that he had to wait that long to eat and that the hospital was taking so long to get things straight. It was absolutely cruel to make that baby wait to long to wait, I know it is something they have to do so he won't get sick, but they should maybe do some better scheduling. He was finally sedated and everything went well they said. As soon as he woke up, I don't even know he had his eyes completely open yet when he was asking for a pop tart. He was so happy when he finally got one.
We don't have to have a second simulation, which is really cool because that is one less time he has to be sedated. He does have his porta cath put in on Monday morning. We have to be at the hospital before 8 am. He has a dentist appointment on Wednesday, the doctors just want to make sure everything is okay with his teeth before they start radiation. He then start radiation on Thursday, April 8 at 6:45 am. Vanderbilt has three sedated patients all scheduled at the same time with only one machine, so I don't know how they plan to work that one, but I am not going to be happy if we have to wait very long again, because then I just might have to show my motherly side and just tell them what I think about them doing this to kids.
We found out some of the things that can happen with the radiation since they will have to go in the places they do. He has a 1 in 100 chance of partial if not total vision loss, because his tumor is on his optic nerve. They are going to try everything they can to prevent this, but they do have to let us know all of the possibilities. They are going to do radiation at the side of his head, so there is also the possibility of hearing loss, partial or total. His tumor is also sitting on his pituatary gland so he may have to go and see an endocrenologist, for hormone supplements. He may have a problem with hormones, bone growth, etc. things that are involved with that gland. He will more than likely lose his hair above his ears, and about a quarter of the way up the back of his neck, it could be permanent or temporary. They have a state of the art machine, I just wish I could remember the name of it. It is only about 2 years old, and they will do three dimensional radiation, so they won't be going in at the same angle everyday, or the same angles all of the time, which will hopefully prevent radiation necrosis.
We went to Chuckie Cheese tonight, and Ryan played hard and had a wonderful time. He laughed and danced with Chuckie. It has been the most active he has been for a few weeks, and smiled and laughed a lot. It was so good to see him like this, it was almost like we had the old Ryan back, only with puffy cheeks. He is now my little chimpmunk. We took some pictures to hopefully put on the web site but they didn't end up turning out so well, sorry guys.
So it started off bad because of him not being able to eat and everything he had to go through, but ended up being one of our best days in a long time. I think Phillip and I really needed it. It is amazing how much you take for granted laughs, and play time until they don't care to do it much anymore.
We are going to be gone for a few days so I will probably not update the journal again until after he has his porta cath put in on Monday.
Thank you again for all of your support and prayers. We would also like for everyone to visit some of our friends that have visited our guestbook and need your prayers also.
Love to all,
Andrea

Wednesday, March 31, 2004 9:10 PM CST

We had an okay day today. We had to go to the doctor for his anestesia before his radiation and operation. They just wanted to get his medical history and vitals, things like that so they knew what they were dealing with when they sedated him. He has gained 10 pounds since he has been on these steroids for the past two weeks. But they said he looked good and that there shouldn't be any complications.
He has his consultation tomorrow morning with his radiation oncologist, then late morning or early afternoon he has his first CT simulation. He will have to be sedated, and is not going to be happy about having to go back to the doctor or being stuck with more needles. I feel so sorry for him right now. I feel bad for the way he feels, the way he looks, and being so absolutely terrified of the doctors. He just says they hurt me, please don't let them hurt me.
Today, I told Phillip he doesn't even look like the same little boy anymore. He has gained so much weight over the last two weeks that his facial features have changed. He just looks so miserable. He will say he needs to eat lots so he can get big like Brandon (his older cousin, for those of you who may not know who Brandon is), he wants to grow up and get big like him and so he needs to eat lots.
Ryan has his porta cath put in on Monday morning, and his second simulation on Tuesday.
We are going to try and have a fun filled weekend after this hectic week, with trying to get everything ready for radiation treatments. Once we got our decision made everything just was like BAM!!! It all has been happening so fast you don't have much time to think about anything. Don't get me wrong because we want to get started so we can beat this beast as fast as we can and go on with our lives, and help others to beat it too.
We will keep you posted on how the next few doctors appointments go, and how Ryan is doing.
Love you all
Andrea

Tuesday, March 30, 2004 8:59 PM CST

Today, what about today. Today had its ups and downs just like any other. Ryan has had a continuing headache all day that we just can't seem to get rid of, even with the codeine. The steroids are making his belly hurt, and have such bad heart burn it makes him cry and he walks around with his had in the middle of his chest. He says mommy it hurts so bad. So we called the doctor and we are keeping him on the pepcid, but now he is on Pepto Bismol when needed. I gave it to him tonight and he took it right down and not but a few minutes later he said his tummy felt better.
Ryan right now is sleeping like a little angel. He is so swollen and his tummy is getting so big and very hard right now. I know that the steroids are helping our little guy, but at the same point they are making other things worse on him. He has always loved to eat, anyone that knows him, knows the kids loves to eat, well now it is even worse and he is gaining weight. You tell him that you don't think he needs anything else right now, and he starts crying and says I am so hungry, please, please, please let me have something to eat. So I break down and give it to him. I can't starve the poor child. I can't wait for him to be able to actually get off of them so maybe he won't be so dang moody and hungry all of the time. I think he will sleep better and feel a lot better to once he is off of them. He sleeps a better part of the day anymore, and is so groggy the rest of the time. We have our days where he is just happy go lucky, but they are few and far between.
I bet most of you will be glad to know that we have made our decision about what type of treatment we are going to do and where we will be at. We are going to be staying here at Vanderbilt, do the six weeks of radiation and then four weeks after that if he is strong enough we will do chemo drugs. It is called Temodar, and is taken orally. We are also going to order and alternative medicine called Protocel, and start him on that as soon as possible. We have a pre-evaluation with the anastesiolgist, I have no idea how to spell that, tomorrow. Thursday we go for his consultation with the radiation oncologist, and then have first simulation for the treatments in the afternoon. He will have to be sedated for those along with all of his treaments. He will probably have his porta cath put in on Monday, and do his second simulation on Tuesday. He will then start treatments the day after Easter. We have prayed and prayed about what the answer should be and just this morning I woke up and knew the answer. So we just went with it, I was so sure that this is what was best because it just came to me all of a sudden and Phillip said than we should go with that because it is GOD's way of telling us this is the right road.
We finally had our breakdown last night and asked all of those questions that we have been trying to avoid for the last two weeks. Why us? What did we do so wrong that GOD is punishing us? Why do so many children have to go through this? And the awful one, what are we going to do if he doesn't pull through? What are we going to do without our little boy? He is our world. We are not giving up on him at all. We are going to fight this and beat it. But in the back of your mind no matter how strong you try to stay you can't get those thoughts out of your head.
Right now we don't know how fast this tumor is growing, so we only know a part of what we are up against. We don't know where it is going to go next if it continues to grow, and also if it is growing at rapid speeds than is the radiation going to help at all. But we continue to fight, and will keep fighting, because we have everything to lose if we don't fight with all of our hearts and souls. He is strong and will pull through every last little bit of this horrible thing.
We all appreciate everything you have done. The prayers, the signing of the guestbook, and cards, just everything from top to bottom, especially the support that you all are providing for our growing family.
This is a really long one tonight, I bet you guys are wondering if I am ever going to be quiet. I just had a lot to get off of my chest.
Love you all

Monday, March 29, 2004 7:02 PM CST

Well we are home again. Ryan was not happy about having to leave all of the family but was very happy to see our home. He has had a really good day today. Him and his daddy were playing, and Phillip had Ryan laughing so hard it made me laugh. It was a wonderful sound, one that we don't hear very often anymore. He is still sleeping a lot, about 5 times a day. Eating very good, I must say though. He certainly hasn't lost his appetite. He has been having a lot of belly aches though. I think that has a lot to do with the steroids, because it is a side effect. Phillip and I left him just for a bit with the neighbor to run so that we wouldn't have to wear him out. He told them that we weren't coming back. They asked him why? He said, I am sick so they are going to leave me. We got back and they told us that and we didn't know what to do or say, except that we loved him very much and that we would never leave him because he was sick. He said okie dokie. So he was fine with that answer. But it shattered our hearts. We still don't know about treatments, and where we are going to get them done at. It is a very hard decision to make, and are going to pray very hard tonight and make a list of pros and cons for each place and situation. We will keep you all posted on everything.

Saturday, March 27, 2004 4:33 PM CST

We are still in Missouri. We had the doctors appointment yesterday at St. Louis Children's. I don't really have any updates on what is going on. Ryan's headaches have come back, they seem to be more frequent over the past few days than they were since we went to Vanderbilt. He gets worn out so easy. I bet he plays 10 minutes for every 3 hours he rests. He takes a lot of catnaps during the day and then is in bed very early at nights. The steroids have made his moods just unbearable at times, but we are trying to have as many patience with as we can because we do know that it is not his fault. Some of it is being just absolutely spoiled rotten, and that is a fault of everyone's in both families. He is doing really good today except he didn't want to leave his Uncle Cory this morning, but he soon came over that when he realized that we were going to see him tomorrow. His little cheeks are getting so puffy, and his left eye is starting to droop a little bit. You can tell that he is always just completely exhausted, but I think he is saving his energy for the long fight ahead of him. Because we are going to FIGHT this and WIN. I hate the fact that anyone person has to go through this but especially a child, no child should have to endure these things at such a young and innocent age. I am very grateful for everyone's help and support, and all of the encouragement that you are giving the three of us right now. Soon to be four, for those of you that don't know we have decided to name our baby girl Elizabeth Ryan. We just like the name Ryan and it is a strong name, because of everything her brother is about to go through. We have a long and hard road ahead of us and our grateful to have family and friends to take that road with us, so we won't have to go alone. We love you all very much!!!!!

Friday, March 26, 2004 1:02 PM CST

We went to the doctor yesterday at Vanderbilt. It was just a follow up so not any new news. They are waiting for us to see if we want to continue our care there or go somewhere else that has something new to offer. We had an appointment today at Children's and they did give us a few options, but now is out hard decision. What we think is best for Ryan? We don't know what to do right now, because either way we go it is not going to be an easy road. Plus, anyway we go they don't know what the treatments will do for his disease. But, we will let everyone know what we decide as soon as we do. He has had a few more headaches and has been extremely exhauseted. He had a really bad headache last night and asked me when it was going to stop hurting him. All I want right now is for us to be able to make the right decisions to help our little boy. Today at Children's they pretty well told us that surgery was out of the question because of where his tuomr was located, and confirmed just about everything that Vanderbilt originally told us, except for the different treatment options. Thank you all again for your support and love.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004 9:54 PM CST

Hello all,
Today Ryan has been very emotional, he has been more aggressive than usual also. I think he tried to do to much yesterday and was overly tired today. He did not go to school today, and has slept off and on all day long. He had is appointment with the audiologist this afternoon and they said his hearing was really good, and even checked some other things because a tumor can affect his high pitch sounds. She said that it all came back normal, and for now it was not affecting his hearing. So we had some good news. He has not had a very good evening though. He has been complaining of headaches off and on all day today. Well this evening it caught up with him and he fell asleep early again, but with a warm wash cloth on his forhead. He is looking kind of peakid, and we have to be quiet with the lights low. He was having a hard time sitting up and keeping his balance. We had to give him his very first dose of codeine syrup for pain. He is alseep now, and looking much better than earlier. We thankfully have a doctor's appointment with his neuro-oncologist tomorrow. We kept our appointment with St. Louis Children's for Friday. St. Jude's told us that right now there is nothing they can do for Ryan that is not already being done. The brain tumor coordinator did reassure me that if we were to need St. Jude's in the future than we would be able to go then, to try new drugs or even get Ryan into a study, but for right now they don't have any new studies open and would not be able to for another few weeks. He also may not be able to get in then because there are only 3 slots, and we need to get the radiation started as soon as possible. I will keep you updated on what the doctors say, even though we will be out of town.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004 11:29 PM CST

Ryan went to school again today. His teacher emailed me to tell me how he did, and she said he wanted to come home. He seemed pretty tired all day. We heard back from St. Jude's Hospital this afternoon, they said there is nothing more that they can do for him that Vanderbilt is not already doing. We were hoping that they would be able to take him and do one of their studies with him. But I am going to call back tomorrow and find out exactly why they think that he will not qualify for other treatments. We have received a lot of feedback from everyone about doctors and I am going to try and call most of them, but we only have one more opinion that the insurance will pay for, so it is going to be a hard decision to make for all of us. We are going to try and talk with them and find out if there is anything they may be able to do. But everyone wants to start his treatments as soon as possible because they have no idea at this point how fast his tumor is growing We thank all of you for your positive responses and hope all of your prayers help We realize that it is in GODS hands and he will be the only one to determine if what the doctors do will help So please I ask all of you to not stop praying for my baby because he needs all of your help to make it through this horrific disease We can beat this and we need your help to do so THANK YOU!!!!

Monday, March 22, 2004 8:20 PM CST

Ryan was a bit restless last night and ended up in bed with us. The doctor's told us to keep his life as normal as possible, so he had his first day back at school. He seemed to have a really good day there, but was really tired when he came home. He has been moving a bit slower today than he has in the past few days, and his speech was difficult to understand. But, they said that would be normal. We have an audiology appointment on Wednesday afternoon, here at Ft. Campbell for his hearing. On Thursday we have an appointment with the neuro-oncologist in Nashville. We are supposed to have an appointment on Friday morning with the oncologist at St. Louis Children's Hospital, but found out our insurance only pays for two opinions and we have already had one. So, we think we are going to go to St. Jude's in Memphis because they are doing some newer studies on brain tumors. He has been asleep this evening since about 6 and we can't get him to stir to much, so he is tired little boy. We will keep everyone informed about the outcome of the upcoming doctor's visits.

Sunday, March 21, 2004 10:01 PM CST

I will start off by giving a short review of what we have found out so far. This is our very first entry, and would like to tell you what has been going on and why we are here now. My husband (Phillip) and I took Ryan to the emergency room on Tuesday morning at Children's Hospital in Nashville. He was having severe headaches and they were getting worse and closer together. We thought it was just migraines but wanted to get them checked out to be sure, because he was in a lot of pain. They did a catscan of his head, and came in a bit later to tell us the results. We were totally shocked and scared to find out that he has a mass on his brain. How could our healthy baby boy be sick? They admitted us immediately to the hospital to do an sedated MRI the following morning. He went in to have the MRI and everything seemed to go fine, then about 5 that evening the doctors wanted to see us. Some of our family was there, so Phillip, myself, and both of our mothers went to talk with the doctors. They informed us that Ryan had an inoperable brain tumor. It is called an infiltrating pontine gleoma, which means he has a tumor of the brain stem. It is growing like crabgrass into his brain stem and has a mass that is growing forward towards his face and pushing down on his pituatary gland. They have given us less than two years with radiation treatment, and less than one year without radiation treatment. We decided to go with the treatment, and our praying with all of our hearts and all of our strength that GOD performs a miracle for our baby and he will be ok. We have a wonderful family here in Kentucky. Phillip is in the Army and they are pulling together to help him out as much as they possibley can. All of our friends here have pulled together and our doing more than we could have ever hoped for with just recently moving here. We also have a wonderful family in a few different states across the US, and even a few over seas. They are all praying for Ryan and we hope that you will pray for him too. He is a very strong and loving little boy. We are in the process of finding a second and third opinion. We have a follow up appointment in Nashville on Thursday morning. We are currently at home, until we start the radiation treatments, which we should find out when those will begin at our appointment.

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