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Friday, August 10, 2012 9:41 AM CDT
August 2012 was probably one of the last things on my mind in January 1994 when I held my first child and daughter for the very first time. Although I had so many hopes and dreams for her, I never thought the day before she leaves for college would be here so quickly. Everybody told me it would, and yes, they were correct. She leaves bright and early tomorrow to begin her days at the University of Kentucky.
It's been an emotional week. We sent Reagan off to her first day of high school and Reesie off to 3rd grade. I couldn't help but know that in the mix, we would have had one also going to Kindergarten as well as 5th grade. I always know where they are in the mix- and honestly not sure how I would have managed one going to college and the baby to Kindergarten-but as with everything- one day at a time.
I don't think Riley could be more ready for college. This is what we hope and pray for them- that the do well in high school, get in the college of their choice and be ready for it. So, why are we so sad about what I spent years praying for? I'm going to miss her being here everyday. For the past 18 years, my life has been consumed with her- and I know it still will be, but things will be different parenting an adult. A new transition begins here. I know longer have 3 little girls at home- just two. I think we are suppose to move our role just a bit from parent to friend...although do parents ever really stop parenting? I'm very thankful that my parents have indeed not stopped and I love that I have them still here for their guidance and wisdom.
My worries are different but prayers will continue to be constant. Our best life lessons are learned from our mistakes-yet mom's like to work hard so that their children don't make mistakes- I know I'm not going to be there everyday to help guide her away from some difficult choices- but hoping my voice will always be present in her head (big smile). Riley has been a such a blessing to us. I often tell her she was our guinea pig- or our first pancake- you know with pancakes the first one is always the hardest to get just right. Even despite my 'poor cooking' she managed to turn into the perfect pancake. I don't like to be a bragging mom, but I do want her to know that we are so proud of her and love her more than we could ever express. She is everything I prayed and hoped she'd be when I held her for the first time 18 years ago. I can't wait to see what she does with her life.
I almost forgot my password to this site. This site was created when Riley was 8- what a journey the past ten years have had us on. I'm glad that much of it is documented here and I didn't want to miss this milestone. Once again, we are grateful for the people who've shared the journey with us and been our support and help in difficult days.
I'm still a mom who thinks of my boys everyday and is forever changed by the events we endured almost 11 years ago. I know our life has gone in directions and roads that I'm often still bitter we had to go down, but everyday I'm grateful for the 5 children I was blessed to have- each one enriched my life and taught me something unique.
Perhaps now with one less child in the home, I have one less excuse not to write more!
Happy school year to everyone starting a new one and to everyone I wish you an abundance of faith, hope and love!
Monday, November 7, 2011 9:25 AM CST
Happy Fall!
Once again, I'm realizing how difficult it may be to continue this "classic" caringbridge site. Caringbridge has updated and changed so much that I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to access it. I know I have to continue to update it to keep it active. The 10 years worth of memories and keepsakes that are on here are so precious to me that I can't imagine it all being deleted!! Hoping somehow to keep it presevered.
What few journal entries I'm able to ever go back and read- I can truly see how this experience has truly grown and matured me- my feelings were often too raw and perhaps should have bee kept to myself- but I guess that is where I was and how I felt at the moment. Not to mention the fact that I was quite a bit younger- so hard to believe!!
Life is grand for us right now. Those that are here close to me are probably tired of my laments as I prepare for my oldest, Riley, to graduate and go off to college at the end of this school year. I'm so thankful that we have the joy of watching and sharing this milestone with her. It's truly an answer to prayer to watch your child grow up and become all that you had trained and hoped they would achieve.
Although she hasn't decided completely for sure, right now it looks as if she will be attending the University of Kentucky in Lexington! A little hard for this TN girl to swallow, but I have now been a Kentuckian longer than a Tennessean- so I am starting to bleed just the tiniest bit blue!
We are genuinely thrilled for her and all that she has ahead of her. Just can't imagine what it will be like around here next year without her daily presence! She'll only be 2-3 hours away- which is much better than her initial thoughts of wanting to go to UCLA or NYU. Just praying God's continual protection over her as she makes this transition next year.
We are also thrilled and content to also have an 8th grader and sweet 2nd grader. As my mom recently reminisced about after spending some time here- there is nothing more silly than middle school kids!!!! Oh, so true!! I must say it's much easier to tolerate the 2nd time around- Reese's middle school days should be a breeze!
It's sad to think of all the great followers from here we've lost touch with over the years. This sight was a great source of strength and encouragement during some extremely dark times. My hope would be that all those that contributed to that encouragement in anyway would know how much we appreciated it. I know that it was this support that has helped me get to the place I am today- content and happy- but forever a grieving mom. Thanks to all of you who tolerated me when I just needed to find my own way through this grieving process.
So, another updated just to say that we are still here- and still believing in faith, hope and courage!!!!!
much love,
Carol
Tuesday, July 19, 2011 8:23 AM CDT
Today my precious Randon would be 5 years old and possibly getting ready to start school.
Unlike the other 4, his birth was one of much fear and trauma. It's not comforting to think about the event of his
"birth" day like I can with our other four children. It's was an emergency C-section anticipating the worse.
However, today I can celebrate that he was born and lived. I think because of his two short months, I will someday get to have him forever. That is the joy of celebrating his birth today, and where I would like to turn my focus. He was a precious boy whose presence really is missed, even though we had such little time with him. He was loved and cared for and given the same hopes and dreams as I had for my other children.
Happy Birthday Sweet Randon. While I go on today as normally as possible in our usual busy routine, you are constantly on my mind and I still ache to hold and love you like very few can understand. All of us miss you and would do anything if we could have changed the outcome 5 years ago. But we know your life had a purpose and we are all better people for having been able to share 2 short months with you and your courage! There really aren't any words or deeds that make today any easier, but the support of so many who love and care for you always get us through. I am extremely proud to have been your mother and I wouldn't have traded you for anybody or anything. I never regret that I had you, only wish that it didn't hurt so much to miss you.
So happy birthday sweet baby boy!!!!
Monday, March 28, 2011 9:32 AM CDT
Happy Spring!! Seems weird as I just came from morning errands at it was 38 degress outside!! But the sun is shining and it's no longer dark at 5:00 pm- which I love!!!!!
Like most everyone, we are so ready for spring. We got teased for a few days with beautiful weather and then back to freezing.
A few weeks ago a very kind younger friend said she wanted to follow me around for awhile to see how I do things because my girls are turning out so great and she wants to see if there's a trick or how I do things. I didn't tell her this, but it had been a morning of tears, screaming and slamming at our house. You may be shocked to find out that things are far from perfect around here-(sense the sarcasm). I am thrilled so far that the if we've experienced the worse of the teenage behavior- then we are soooo lucky. But I can't take the credit. As good as a mother as I think I am and as much as I love being a mother, I have screwed up a lot!! You know those things you say and do and then later you secretly worry if you've just done unrepairable damage that will scar them for life?? Happens a lot here. I mean, isn't there enormous pressure on us parents????? If they haven't set a world track record or responsible for world peace by the time they are in 3rd grade, they may never get into a good college, much less be successful in life.
I know that sound crazy but isn't that what you moms feel like sometimes? Now it seems like if they have been playing soccer year round since they were 3 years old- then forget it- they're dreams of bending it like Beckham are over!!
Well, the greatest thing that has happened to us this year, is that we've taken ourselves out of the rat race. We've tried to do this all along, but somehow kept getting suckered back in. Don't get me wrong, my girls are still way over involved and very busy- but we are pursuing what we really want to do, what we love and putting the time into our passions. I am convinced that even if they don't make 36's on their ACT's or solve world hunger- they are gonna be great human beings- and hopefully great citizens, and possibly wives and mothers someday.
I recently read a great editorial in the paper about kids and colleges this day and my favorite quote: The college doesn't make the student, the student makes the college!! It's what we already knew- you get out of something what you put into it!! So take some pressure off, there are plenty of amazing, wonderful people who didn't go to an IVY league school nor set every sports record in school history and graduate top of their class! The will is stronger than the brain.
Yes, I am my children's biggest cheerleader but also biggest critic. I do have high expectations and standards for them.
But at the end of the day, I love it the most when they are happy creatures with friends and family to laugh and cry with. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and if they follow their hearts and find a passion, they are going to be just fine. And most of all, keeping their focus on who are we pleasing? There really is only One that we should ever really have to please, everything else will fall in place.
I have spent much of the last nine years recuperating from what I feel like has been my post traumatic stress disorder. I have dealt with every gamut of emotions particularly when it comes to my faith. I think you know me enough to know that it has been a struggle- there are times I've been extremely agnostic, extremely unfaithful, extremely unbelieving, unforgiving, and very very sarcastic. I have been working through a lot. I hope to share more as it's so hard to talk about some things that happened during my experience in caring for the boys in their illnesses. I feel like during Reid's illness particularly that many times I was in the midst of a living hell. I think that the only normal response I could have had on many days would be hurt, doubt, and anger.
Our lives would have been completely different had none of that ever happened. I feel like so much of everything about our lives now are in someway defined from that experience. I'm dangerously honest with my kids. It's not always been good for a mom and dad to have such struggles and such questions. We've been far from perfect examples, but again, at the end of the day, we know who holds our hope and our strength.
I'm very excited about some things that are going on right now. If we don't just love something (an activity or sport- not homework of course) , we don't put all our time and energy into it. We've had so much more family time. We are once again starting to worship again, as a family. I know people and places come into your lives for a season- maybe we are at a new season, with some new needs- but I just feel this renewing in our hearts and see this desire to want to get back on track spiritually. Every time I walk away, I can't deny this God-shaped hole in my heart that somehow keeps me hanging on.
Because Riley played soccer in the fall for one school and then transferred, she is ineligible for sports for one year. It meant she could not play basketball (probably her main sport) this year. She had only played soccer this year at the new school because they had no seniors and she really felt that she was needed. So, the other day I was commenting on what an amazing year she was having and how perfect everything seems.I told her that the only thing I was sorry about was that she played soccer in the fall. She quickly replied that how that was actually the best thing that she ever did- she gave me a lesson on how God was in control. Had she not played soccer, she could have played basketball and had she played basketball she would not have had time to do all the wonderful things - like musical, that have actually made her year so great and is responsible for some of the wonderful people in her life. It was an experience that was painful at the time, but has brought so much good. I love it when I call look back and see it all played out- doesn't always happen that easily!
I love learning from my children, that even when we don't see it, things that seem to bring us hurt, can be the exact thing to bring us good!! It probably is something much less petty than basketball, but at every moment each of us deal with our own crisis- just hope they continue to be more petty than painful.
I hope you're looking in your difficult circumstances and know somewhere in that storm you're going to find a rainbow!
much love,hope and courage!
For those of you not on facebook, I wanted to share this of Reese and Reagan. They sang this at their school's talent show. I know I'm always very proud but this song is so special to me. I've loved it since I first heard it at another child's funeral. They learned this for me for Christmas and I'm forever grateful. You will have to turn the music player off above first!! it's very unsteady at first, but Dale figures it out-hang on!
Turn music above off!
Friday, March 4, 2011 10:30 AM CST
I can’t believe how long it’s been without an update. I needed to make the choice of the site being deactivated or do an update. I knew I still wasn’t ready to let this go-not sure I ever will be. It truly contain so much of our story..the good, the bad and the really ugly. And since I’m really feeling like I’m going to write that book (I know, a girl can dream-just play along with me) I decided to update.
Where do I start? Life is good. So good, I should ask you to pinch me to let me know it’s for real!! Often it’s too good to be true and I’m truly just savoring each moment ever aware that a huge storm could blow in at any second.
Would you believe me if I told you my girl are 7, 13, and 17?? Unbelievable!!! How did this happen. As I contemplate next year being Riley’s last year of high school-the tears already start flowing-so many emotions. But, since I still have 5 months until her senior year begins- we aren’t even going to go there yet. There is a whole chapter unwritten there.
This school year has to be in the running for the most adventuresome yet. Wow, don’t even know where I’d start there. Maybe it would suffice to say that what started out as extremely difficult turned into changing things for so much good that it ends with being one of the best, if not the best school year yet!! 11th, 7th and 1st grade!!!
As I had mentioned earlier, a new school was opening that was to put both Riley and Reagan at a new school- but when I use the word new- it was really a new building- the school was a split- a split among student, faculty and even administrators. Unfortunately, Riley found herself on the opposite side of the split than most every one of her closest and dearest friends. More difficult on a junior girl than any of us realized it would be. Part of her personality, is one of loyalty and not really much on change-especially change you can’t control. Unfortunately, we had buried the reality of the fact that our children had been through some traumatic changes at young ages that will, know matter how wonderfully they were handled, create feelings and issues that may come up in the past. Her junior year was not a good time to be separated from the friends and activities that had been your rock and your happy place during difficult times. This goes deeper than I can explain, but ends with a wonderful ending- she was allowed to return and finish out high school where she began and we got to deal with some issues we needed to deal with. Reagan, on the other hand, loves her new school! She has just absolutely blossomed this year- right before our very eyes!! Reesie has the best first grade teacher in the world- Mrs.Ward! We love her!! It is an awesome time when all of your children our happy in school and love every bit of it!! What a blessing in our life. And once again, the difficult process of getting there allowed yet another time when my children are so much better than me. I was taught a lesson on when you really know the truth and are doing best for your family- does it really matter what anyone else thinks? Let it go and tape your mouth shut when you know people are talking about something they have no idea what they are talking about. Deep breath…Let it go and smile because life is goooood!!!!!
Wow! This journey of grief- it has taken me on a ride. I still can’t describe it and theres no way to share all the things about it that I’d love to share!! I should go to video updating since I can talk so much faster than I can write- but then there is that whole issue of having to see yourself on camera..eewww!!!
I continue to grieve every single day. I know I always will. And while it seems that what happened to us was so long ago and I’ve got this wonderful life now, I should be moving on-I have really come to terms that it is so much more complicated than that. Grief is part of who I am but it does not define me nor does it keep me from living the life before me-really living. I’m so proud of my family- not because of individual accomplishments or how wonderful we are all doing- but because I truly enjoy them- I really love being with my girls and watching the women they are becoming- they are living their lives, pursuing their dreams and trying to be the best they can be even though they know no one is perfect.
At different points in my life it’s been different things that have been my support and/or therapy. After Reid, there was tennis and writing, there’s been different things that come and go (I have no desire to play tennis anymore-weird, use to love it) but like most things in life, things have their season. My season right now is focusing on probably the hardest part of parenting-the teenage years and preparing for that inevitable empty nest that is just looming around the corner and wont go away!! Through it all there has always been my writing. I feel renewed by its’ therapeutic effect right now and there is so much more I want to share- so hang on if you are still with us!! Hopefully, there is more to come and maybe my words can be use to encourage others who are going through some dark times or maybe even help others who want to help them. We’ve always been blessed by the love of others who’ve wanted to walk this journey with us-and even years later, I still meet knew friends who want to be a part of the journey too! I’m so grateful. So if you’re up for, there is plenty more to come!!
Love, hope and courage~
Saturday, July 17, 2010 9:18 AM CDT
It's been a wonderful summer- so sad that school is coming back very soon!!
We had another wonderful year of raising money with Alex's Lemoande Stand. Wanted to share this video.
Don't forget to turn the music player off first.
Hope you all are having a great summer and enjoying each day!!!
love, hope and courage
Carol
Monday, May 24, 2010 9:00 AM CDT
It’s the dreaded anniversary of precious Reid’s last day on Earth. In so many ways it’s hard to believe that it’s been 8 years and in other ways it does seem like it was forever ago. Although I remember it very clearly, I try not to recall any of the events of his last 24 hours. It’s still extremely painful and impossible to think about without some tears.
The past 8 years have been tough for my family and me- no doubt. I am very different and life is very different. My life has since always divided into ‘before Reid’ and ‘after Reid’-that is how I recall and think about most every event.
I could fill this blog on a day like today with lots of thoughts on the many 'blessings' in our life that have happened since Reid. I could have a page full of scripture quotes from all the quotes about the Lord being your comforter and your help in time of need. I don’t want to minimize those thoughts, but in my constant pursuit of always being honest, it’s not those things that bring my comfort on days like today.
The past 8 years have been full of hills and valleys, ups and downs, friendships lost, friendships gained, joy and heartache, fear and trust. Sometimes I look back on all the events and I wonder myself how I’ve done it-how any of us have really survived it with any sort of sanity at all.
Well, it doesn’t take a very far look back into the world’s history to realize the heartache that surrounds us. Every time I’m in a new cemetery, I find the headstones of children, young mothers and fathers, and many others, gone before what seems right. I can’t stand to think about the days of the Holocaust, 9/11, Okalahoma bombings, etc. and imagine what it must have been like for those families who suffered in those days.
I’ve never felt like my plight has been so much worse than so many others. The loss of two children and the fear of what that means for our family’s future has been devastating to me. It’s brought on a whole new kind of pain that I had never experienced before. I can’t look at life the same or be so bold as to understand God’s blessings and yet allowing of heartaches in life. My faith has been punctured- wounded in a way. I’m not exactly sure what I believe or what I understand anymore. At a minimal, it has made be think twice about some of the things we say to people-never knowing what that stranger at the grocery store has been through. When I really want to get upset at somebody for some ridiculous attempt at 'knowing it all' or comforting- I try to extend some grace as I think back on some of the unhelpful things I have said to someone.
It’s still hard to listen to others tell their stories of miraculous healing and how praying “for 4 hours” saved their child without wondering where was my miracle, and rolling my eyes in my head thinking, yeah, it’s not always that easy!? or thinking you really don't know what a sick kid is- Where was our answered prayer? And while some seem to indeed get their miracles and see the fruits of their prayers, I don’t have to look far to know that I’m not alone in experiencing heartache and tragedy- yes, when bad things happen to good people-even to people who believe and pray- every day.
So, as I write this without a clue as to the point I’m trying to make, I did read something in a devotional recently that sort of summed of some thoughts of mine. I do not understand it-the whys and what’s of God’s world-any of it. I know without suffering we wouldn’t know compassion- I know we aren’t given according to what we deserve and I know we use the word “blessed” far too many times (the real word should probably be lucky in many cases). However, I know this world does not lack wonders. It’s said that if the earth were as small as the moon its gravitation wouldn’t sustain our needs, if it was as large as Jupiter its extreme gravitation would make human movement almost impossible if the oceans were half their size we’d get only 25 percent of our present rainfall; if they were one-eighth larger, annual rainfall would increase 400 percent, turning the earth into a vast uninhabitable swamp. Water solidifies at 32 degrees F but if the oceans were subject to that law, the amount of thawing in the polar regions wouldn’t balance out and we’d all end up in ice. So, God put salt in the sea to alter ifs freezing point. These things still amaze me, I can’t explain the incredible details of life. And although I’ve been hurt and seen some things that make me question everything I learned growing up in church and study God’s word, I still have to say that that faith is my only hope. The other alternatives leave even more feelings of emptiness and disappointment. I hope in a heaven and a life where it all makes sense.
I don’t mean to be a downer in anyway. In fact, quite the opposite should be true. I still believe! Rather than talk about “blessings”- because I don’t like to insinuate what the opposite might mean- I talk about the things I am so thankful for- a faithful, sweet, loving, hard working husband, 3 amazing- not to mention gorgeous and sweet- daughters, great parents and siblings-and wonderful extended family and friends- a nice roof over our head, plenty of food to eat and so many more “wants” than we deserve. I would like to celebrate the life of a precious baby boy who brought me more love in his short life that can last more than a lifetime. I can look back on his precious face and know that he loved and the he was greatly loved. He was really amazing. I think about how sick he was but yet how hard he fought. I feel confident in knowing that he had some happy days and felt love and support around him. I miss him. He should be finishing the 2nd grade, he should be playing and laughing and looking forward to summer. He’s still has a big chunk of my heart and I’m so very proud and perhaps even “lucky” to be his mother. I’m so glad that Riley and our family have found a cause we believe in and that brings some healing as we work to help others who face life with a sick child.
Reid, we all miss you!! You are never forgotten!
the girls will not be happy but wanted to try and share this video of them singing at Stuarts Chapel- Their great-grandparents home church at homecoming. We appreciate them doing this. This is a family favorite and one that was sang at Randon's service.
Don't forget to turn off the player above;
Tuesday, March 30, 2010 1:35 PM CDT
Monday, March 1, 2010 10:40 AM CST
Happy March to all my dear friends. I'm suprised myself that it's been since January since I've updated. Many times I've started to sit down and write some things from my heart but then just can't seem to find away to put into words things I'm feeling or wish to share.
It's been a difficult week in the Bowling Green community. My family is fine- in fact, we are all doing great and are more blessed everday. But we've once again been reminded of the sadness and diffiuculties that happen every single day is this world of ours.
Our dear friend Isaiah (caringbridge/ky/isaiah) is not doing well at all. As we just began celebrating the excitement of the news that he is going to be a big brother he took an unexpected turn for the worse and is fighting for his sweet little life once again. Please pray for all of them, and as his mom and dad have requested, pray what if best for Isaiah.
And as most everyone in this community knows, a wonderful woman of God went in for basicaly routine surgery and with unexpected events, went home with her heavenly Father last night leaving behind two precious boys and a husband of 25 years as well as many many friends who loved this woman dearly. It was just one of those jolts once again to never leave the house without saying "I love you" and just to appreciate all we have around us every single second.
My cup overflows with blessings right now, but I know I'm just a heartbeat away from another possible tragedy that could happen to any of us.
Reese has recently been talking and asking a lot of questions about her brothers. It's given us a chance to talk about some things. She still never forgets them. I of course, have them on my mind constantly as well. Time goes on, pain gets easier, but I ache for all of it. For all we went through, for the things we endured and witnessed and for the sons I just missed and feel like should have here with me. It hurts deeply every single day. But I love that feeling of needing to get off our keisters and do something more important. More important than focusing on ourselves. There is a world of hurt out there. I wonder how many people I walk past and ignore everyday that could use a little something from me. I want to be more aware of the needs of those around me. Of just that stranger in the grocery store who maybe needs some extra help. The girls and I have really been feeling convicted by this- that there is more we all need to be doing. Busy schedules make it hard, but it's no excuse.
I love that new song by Britt Nicole "Walk on Water"
I'll share the lyrics and maybe can get the song on here.
I hope all my dear friends out there are doing great. Please know how much I love all of you and apologize for not doing a better job of showing it!!
much love, hope and courage!
ou look around
It's staring back at you
Another wave of doubt
Will it pull you under
You wonder
What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer?
When you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that he won't let you go
Chorus:
So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you
You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water too
Verse 2:
So get out
And let
Your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste
Don't wait
Don't you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for
I know you're not sure
So you play it safe
Try to run away
If you take that first step
Into the unknown
He won't let you go
(chorus)
Bridge:
(step out)
Even when a storm hits
(step out)
Even when you're broken
(step out)
Even when your heart is telling you telling you to give up
(step out)
When your hope is stolen
(step out)
You can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid
So what are you waiting,
What are you waiting for?
So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you
You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water...
Walk on the water too
Tuesday, January 19, 2010 10:57 AM CST
I have failed miserably as a blogger! For know other reason, I like to keep this site going so someday-my children will have a "journal" of sorts to remind them of all the things I failed to put into their baby books-especially Reese- I'm not sure I've actually put anything in hers!
We got the bathroom gut project done. My deadline was Christmas and on Christmas Eve at noon- it was done minus moving all the contents of the bath/bedroom back into the rooms- all with the whole family coming that night. But it's done and how nice now to have 2 new bathrooms!!! They got a much needed face lift!!
We also had a really great Christmas. As always, it got here too quick and lasted too short. But a great time none the less!!
Now, we begin our new year with Reese just turning 6 and Riley turning the big 16!!! Unbelievable. The bright side, you have to be 16 1/2 here to get your full drivers license. So, no new driver yet- but excited for her to be driving this summer!!! I'm sure that will open a complete new chapter in our lives.
With all the January birthdays, I hope we've started a new year on a good note! I always wonder what a year is going to bring and praying for a wonderful year full of only happy memories!! In the meantime, we'll get ready to take on whatever this year may bring. For Riley and Reagan it will mean new schools in the fall- I anticipate that to be one of the biggest new crossroads facing us. A new middle/high school will be opening close by us in the fall. It looks to be amazing but sort of sad for Riley since it will happen her junior year and she has to leave/split with some kids she has been glued to for the past 4 years. We are sad but also excited about this new adventure!
Maybe 2010 will be the year I decide what I want to be when I grow up! Thinking about reentering the work force in some way perhaps in the fall. I definitely said that when I go back to work it will be for a job I feel really good about!! Maybe soon I'll figure it out!!
I guess that brings you up to speed with what has been happening with us- minus all the petty drama that could make for some juicy writing!! I hope each and everyone of you have an extremely wonderful 2010!!!! Heres a prayer for all of us to really make a difference this year!!
love, hope and courage
Carol
Thursday, November 12, 2009 9:55 AM CST
I believe I have determined the theme for our marriage: Thank God for insurance!!
Definitely, with the boys, I vowed to never complain about a medical bill again. I realized that the staff that helped us was worth every penny. I also realized that without insurance we would have been financially devastated.
This week, it's home owner's insurance I'm singing the praises of- so far, hopefully, that won't change. We started noticing a lot of problems in our bathroom- floor cracking, tile bowing, water seeping into walls-- so after one call to insurance and the professioanls out we have some type of leak and due to, in their words, "the worse tiling and drywall job ever" we have a lot of damage, and yes even MOLD!! Our master bath connects to the half bath downstairs- so both are being basically gutted. The good news, I have hated the decor of these bathrooms since we bought this house but had it way down on the priority list of things to change.
We are definitely having some character building moments, with no working bathroom sink or shower downstairs and many of us sharing the girls upstairs baths (Riley's is very small) There is something very gross about brushing your teeth in a laundry room sink, but again- nothing short of character building.
So, it's a big mess over her- but we always look to the positive- I now have an excellent excuse not to have the family Thanksgiving feast here- we have a great excuse for just having piles of stuff everywhere and that hepa filter that runs every night is putting me right to sleep! I know we will get through it and in the end, a new bathroom with the tile that I like will be a definite bonus. It's always good when your biggest problems are just inconveniences. The first morning we were all sharing bathrooms and living out of piles in the floor and running extremely late was definitely a challenge- in fact, I believe I told Dale that whoever said that God want give you more than you can handle, probably did not have 3 girls!!!!
Once again, I am definitely appreciating the beauty of insurance!! Very glad that I have it and will try, like I do with medical bills, not to complain!
The importance of having everything insured was on my mind-our health, our home, even our lives are all insured- but what about my faith? Am I insured there? It's a struggle, I've never made my doubts a secret. I struggle to make sense of it all- the power of prayer, the miracles, and the miracles and power we never get- the healing of some and the sense of the healing that never came to others- the pain, the hurt, the heartaches that are part of this world.
While I definitely don't have all the answers, I seem to think that the only insurance there is to keep believing- doing it anyway- learning to trust again and to accept the things we cannot change.
Hope you are all insured up!
I'm sure I'll keep you posted on the bathroom gut/remodel saga- We are never short on drama over here! I have to believe that we would make a better reality show than the crazy Jon and Kate plus 8!!
love, hope and courage
Carol
Thursday, October 22, 2009 8:04 AM CDT
"I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."
Just to test you movie buffs- what movie is that from?
I think about that quote a lot. Sometimes the things in life that give us the biggest pleasures create the most pain. It's definitely been true in my life. I've quit asking myself if I would do it all the same if I knew how it would turn out. Whenever we've truly loved someone and been incredibly blessed by their lives, how can we wish it never would have happened? We've discussed that a lot lately around here. Riley is taking a honors political science class this semester. She has had several research papers due on many difficult topics- including abortion. It's been an opportunity to get into some deep discussion. Although, I don't like to talk about it, those that know me know that my experiences in life have made me much more liberal yet much more conservative all at the same time. I think now I definitely have more of an open mind- I question everything!! Topics aren't so perfectly black and white fitting into perfect boxes like they use to. I rarely see absolutes except when I'm just about to drive myself crazy trying to figure it out- and that is when all I can say (and my sister hates this saying) is "It is what it is!"
Riley is probably the staunches conservative right now around here. As she researched her abortion paper and without a doubt, felt it being nothing short of absolute murder, quietly in my heart, I painfully thought about what could be ahead for her. How someday that belief may have to be tested- that's the only proof that you really believe what you think you believe-I've learned that first hand. There is nothing I want more for her than to be a mother, but often I'm afraid of the pain that road might lead to. Like me, there is a 50/50 chance they might be carriers for the same horrible genetic cancer to their boys. I thought about Shelby in Steel Magnolias. Her mother did not want her to have a baby- she knew the toll it would take on her body- yet Shelby without hesitations says: "I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." She got to experience motherhood. And while it had such a tragic ending- it was probably more tragic for those that loved her than for her- she had more than 30 minutes of wonderful." I don't know what was right or wrong for Shelby- but Shelby felt confident that life was of no purpose if she didn't go with her passion. (Shelby dies a few years after giving birth from the damage the pregnancy did on her body-quick summary if you haven't see the movie-mom)
So, as I once again put off the pain of thinking about what could lie ahead for all my children in their path to motherhood, I say "it is what it is" I can't change it unfortunately-would do anything if I could. As of now, we can't even know for certain what the risks really are. My eyes are open and sometimes, in my heart, I just secretly 'role my eyes' at those women so into the full quiver ministry who just believe God is in control of our womb and if we have enough faith it all works out perfectly. No offense "16 kids and counting," but God has made it perfectly clear to me that I need to shut off my womb! As much wonderful that the boys brought me, my heart has had enough pain to sustain some probable permanent damage. And fortunately, we were were able to get through it without complete financial breakdown either-many families aren't so lucky in the wake of a medical crisis. I'll keep my thirty minutes of wonderful and be thankful for every time that thirty minutes has been extended. I have a lot of wonderful. I just know pain is the cost of love- but so worth it. So as I continue this path in life, I know there will be many more times I'm secretly rolling my eyes to some of the things well-meaners say and think. I'm sure they are rolling their eyes at me- secretly or not!
We are having a great fall! All the girls pursuing their passions as best they know how and all of us trying to stay aware of whats important. It's so hard to stay out of the rat race and away from letting life's little disappointments seem like big deals! Not sure whose the biggest over exaggerator in our house- probably a tie between myself and Reagan right now!! As I've told you before (just like my favorite Father of the Bride quote) We come from a long line of over exaggerators! Let's hope that gene continues to lessen each generation!
oh, yeah, if you need more hints, it's from Steel Magnolias.
love, hope and courage
Carol
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 11:49 AM CDT
Riley, Reagan and Reese at Homecoming
Riley and her very cute and nice escort Cody
So, I couldn't even keep us my good intentions of updating more once school started.
It's been crazy as usual. Back into the full swing of things, although I do believe it's been less hectic. For the first time since I can remember- no one is playing fall soccer- well, except Reese- I guess I should say no one is playing high school soccer or travel soccer. It has been wonderful having our weekends more free. Riley trained all summer for cross country but has ended up with chronic IT band issues- and therefore, has not been able to run a single meet yet.
Reagan has decided to focus more on music and is really loving it. Hopefully, I can get some of her videos on here from some of the shows she has done (she does shows with this studio where she takes lessons) This has been so good for her and so much fun.
The past week or so, we've been hit by the flu. We are hopefully on the end of it- but still have Reese and Reagan home! Praying hard they can go back tomorrow! Everyone who got tamiflu did much better. Sadly, Reese did not get it and she is on day #7!
And so, things continue on with us pretty much the same. Busy, but happy, pursuing things we enjoy while still running the rat race. So far, our school year has been pretty good- can't believe it's almost time for fall break already. I have been much better with missing my Reesie being here than I thought I would- but maybe that is easy to say right now since she's been home for the past 7 days!
Today,it's been 3 difficult years since we had to yet again leave the hospital for good without our baby boy. I'm still extremely sad and can hardly bear to relive the moments of that day. It is in my heart and mind often and I just focus on all we have in front of us to get through it. I still believe time doesn't make it easier-we just get better at handling it. There are days when it just all feels so unbelievable and continues to be so hard to understand. There is a lot of heartache in this world and just hanging on to hope is all we can do!
It has been raining non-stop! I hope to see some sunshine soon!! We are also very excited to see Riley Friday night on the Homecoming Court- just hoping it doesn't rain on her parade!! A little extra vitamin D would be nice as we head into longer days and shorter sunshine!!!
Hope all is well as your house!
Love, hope and courage!
Carol
Wednesday, August 12, 2009 11:08 AM CDT
Oh my, where have I been? Life has just been happening all around and I haven't really taken the time to journal about it. For those of you who are on with me, you know that most of my computer time has been taken over by "facebook" So, if you are not on, I wish you would come on over. However, I must admit that I'm guilty of it consuming way too much of my time- and I plan on decreasing that significantly, but honestly it has been so much fun catching up with people I had forgotten all about. I have reunited with people from like 2nd grade- truly amazing. So, join in and add me as your friend.
As far as things here, where do I start. We reached a huge family milestone last week. Our baby went to kindergarten. It has been a struggle for me. So much so, that yesterday when I dropped off the little girls (Reagan, Reese and Reagan's friened) I pulled off and started talking to Reese! I'm so use to her being with me as we drop the big girls off everywhere that I was like "What's my sweet girl doing back there?" Then, I realized- you idiot, you just dropped her off at school.
It has been a huge adjustment for all of us!! She seems to love it so far but sure is tired. Getting everybody up at 6 around here (all their schools start at 7:30) is quite the challenge! Some how we are managing but none of us are liking it too much.
We had a great, albeit, very short summer. Can't believe how fast it went. As you know, the lemonade stands were a great success. June was devoted to that and July to last minute fun and camps.
So for the first time in 15 years I do not have a little one home with me. I'm thrilled to see Reese reach this milestone but so sad for me. I've contemplated what to do with this new freedom. Getting a job has entered the thought plan. While the financial contribution would be a welcomed bonus around here, I still can't seem to get it figured out. I love, love being able to be here the second they are off the bus. I love that I can take them to 4:00 practices and 4:30 piano lessons, etc. I feel so grateful to be able to do that and so, while it's not always easy and I often think about how a second income would really contribute to things around here- including college, retirement, savings, etc., I don't take for granted being able to be here for all the moments. It's a hard balance to find as a mom-so I think I'll take it one month or even one day at a time to decide what is in store. In the meantime- it's not like I'm sitting around bored. Whew! This house could use a major cleaning overhaul! Hey, a girl can dream!!
And in the midst of all our busy-ness and crazy running, I still struggle everyday with my 2nd grader and 3 year old who aren't here. It's still in my thoughts constantly and a burden I continue to carry. So often, things just don't feel right and I still struggle with plans and purposes. It continues to be the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night most everyday. Not sure that will ever change.
So as we excitedly take on this new chapter in all our lives- we look forward to some great days, some amazing memories to make and some moments to take our breaths. We continue to be grateful for the blessings and mourn our losses. We admit we have no idea what the future holds and know our plans could change in an instant. And with that in mind, we hope to make fewer mistakes each day, learn from our experience and let go of the disappointments reaching toward acceptance of the things we can not control.
I wish each of you an amazing new school year and hope that this will definitley be one to remember!!
I understand that I now have no excuse for no updates. Thanks for continuing to follow our story! Perhaps it really is time to right that book (smile..how long have I been saying that?!)
love, hope and courage
Carol
Wednesday, July 1, 2009 6:53 AM CDT
We had a great weekend. Wanted to see if the video from the news coverage worked on.
We will be back soon for more updates.
Thursday, June 25, 2009 12:37 AM CDT
Happy Summer!!
As you can imagine, it's been crazy here. We are having a blast though!!
This weekend is the big Bowling Green Alex's Lemonade Stand Day! Come out and support this great event!
Visit our website
www.alexslemonade.org/bowling-green
Hope you are all doing great!!
the Millers
Tuesday, May 12, 2009 11:08 AM CDT
Ok, for many of you who have followed our story from the beginning (2001), these pictures might be shocking….that was almost 8 years ago, and little Riley Carol Miller has grown up a bit since then.
Of course we are proud of her and we think she is absolutely beautiful (as we think all our children are) but I decided to share some pictures from her frist modeling show. It was a fashion show at the Tennessee Performing Arts Center for the O’More School of Fashion. It was a competition for the student designers and featured a celebrity panel of judges (you know I don’t watch much TV, so I didn’t know who they were. One guys was from project Runway)
Anyway, it was a lot of fun for her but I do think it took some courage to get out there and try this and even audtion with a crowd of beautiful, skinny women. Riley works hard and takes such wonderful care of herself. This is a passion she has chosen to follow so we are supporting her the best we can! This may be the beginning for her or her only shot, either way she had a great time and it was a wonderful experience. 
I had a very nice mother’s day. Unfortunately, my mom, dad and oldest niece were out of the county- Thailand (I’ll tell more about that trip later) so it was the first mother’s day of just us. (Dale’s mom has been gone 5 long years) We went to church as Reagan sang with a group and I realized that since Reese, it was the first baby dedication I had attended-I believe I have purposely avoided church on Mother’s Day. Those are hard for me. Not because I do not support and celebrate the families who’ve had a baby that year, but because it’s always a reminder of feeling shorted two of those for my precious babies. How I would have loved for them to be able to have had their dedications/baptism. I think all of us can relate to the disappointments and frustrations in life that just make you want to scream “This is so not fair!!” I know I have plenty of those moments. Every single day it seems I’m reminded of things that just seem that they shouldn’t be a part of this seemingly perfect world God created. But I know this world is so far from perfect. Some of us seem to get that a little more than others. But I believe as long as we live and love, we will all know the feeling of heartache, loss and total anger with “plan” we have to accept but don’t understand.
So once again, I find myself at a loss for words or anything profound or insightful to say. I’m a mom who is crazy about her children…who loves them to a fault probably (if that is possible) I love our family, our home, our life, our friends- most everything about it. Yet, everyday I fight the tears and the pain. I fight the moments when I relive the past or recount a painful memory of something that has happened on this incredible journey. And not to sound to cliché, but all any of us have is hope. Hope that tomorrow will be a great day, hope that we all wake up healthy tomorrow with a roof over our house and jobs to pay our bills. Hope that someday, we’ll see these loved ones that were taken too soon, to painfully, and just too much!
I hope each of you moms had a great day! Isn’t motherhood wonderful? I’m thankful for my husband and children who have allowed me to hear that precious word over and over “mom!”
I should probably leave you with the real swimsuit model in the family. Hope it brings a smile to your day.
Love, hope and courage
Wednesday, April 29, 2009 7:52 AM CDT
Wow, I finally got logged on to my site!! I did not know that caring bridge had made some changes, and it hasn't taken me forever to figure out how to get back logged on!! But, yeah me, I finally did it!!!
Hope all has been well with each of you! I'm still amazed that there are so many who are still following us and continue to encourage us on this journey. Life has been good lately for the most part. Just like most of you, we are incredibly busy. Time is just flying by. I was upstairs cleaning Riley's bathroom the other day and thinking about how badly it's in need of an update, when I had this HUGE panic attack....She only has 3 more years here!!! That thought just sends me wanting to get physically sick. I know how amazingly fast these next 3 year are going to go!! Can somebody please slow it all down??!!
We are definitely moving to a transition time in our lives. As Reese will be starting school in the fall, and Riley starts thinking about college and career, the reality that we really don't have anymore babies has begun to sink in. While I'm so excited about where each of the girls are in life and what is going on with them, there is always this sadness around here of the what should have been, what could have been and the disappointment of how it all turned out. The grief we realize is life-long. It doesn't really get easier, we just get better at handling it. We learn to view the world and our time so differently in both a wordly and even in a spiritual perspective. I've now accepted that we have no idea what the future holds- not tomorrow, not next week. We really probably have even less control than we think we have! Faith and trust are still issues that we, especially me, have to really work on and the hardest part is probably just the willingness to keep believing in spite of the doubts and disappointments. It's a constant lesson to learn how to just say "I don't know, but I still believe."
We think things are going really well for everybody here. Seems we've all had good news or exciting new adventures. Dale is still with Fruit of the Loom but has taken on a new responsibility. He is now working with the Spalding Group (part of Russell athletic) more in the basketball business I think. I think sometimes just doing something different can be a nice break. He seems to be excited about it. The girls are sort of changing some focus around here too. Sports is definitely moving way down the list. We have always loved being part of sports teams and the competitive travel, but it just sort of dominated our weekends and thus our lives, we have been so busy this spring and realizing that we have had opportunities to do other things when we don't have to fill every Saturday and Sunday up with soccer, or whatever sport of the moment. Riley is still running track which is great for keeping in shape and she is really doing great, but she continues to work on the academics. She is also interested in doing some modeling- she's very serious about it- and has her runway debut next week in the O'More Fashion Show at TPAC. Have I mentioned that she is 5 feet 10 right now?? Probably closer to 5-11 and barely 100 pounds soaking wet-she has grown like crazy this school year...past me by at least two inches since school started. She takes excellent care of herself and is into fitness and good eating habits...she is helping all of us with all her beauty and fitness tips!! I'm crazy about this kid!! I enjoy her being here- She has been such a blessing to me and can't imagine not waking that long-legged gal up every morning and having her here daily. Can you homeschool college? oh wait, I did see that movie...Step Brothers (the 40 year olds who never left home).
Reagan is taking a huge interest in sewing. Her grandmother bought her a sewing machine for Christmas and she has literally taught herself! She is so cute and if you are really nice to her, she will make you a pillow in no time!! She is also wanting to maybe learn more about theatre and performing. She loves to sing, there are some singing genes in the family- yes, on her dad's side!! She is excited about doing some performance camps this summer. She is getting more into tennis, but I see her really having more interest in "performance" type things- she is very interested in music. Last weekend, Dale and I got to take a couple from Dale's work from Canada to the Grand Ole Opry...thanks to his wonderful aunt, we enjoyed from backstage. As I was watching all the artist and the background singers and the many different band members, I was thinking about how you can have a career in music,probably doing something you enjoy, without having to be the next Hannah Montana...we talked to Reagan about that (she, like every 11 y/o in America wants her own Disney show). She does have some talent and pray she has the confidence and courage to go for things in life that she really wants.
And then Reese, well, she is trying to get ready for kindergarten! Not going to cry yet- still have time for that later. She still loves soccer- and as she says on the way to each game- I'm going to score 100 goads (she says goads for goals). She is also taking dance and still doing kindermusik- she's pretty much game to try anything! I am so going to miss her around here next year. I"ve had her all to myself for five years and I wouldn't trade that time for anything. I miss having a career sometimes, but one of the blessings that came from Reid's illness, was realizing, that somehow we could survive on one income. It gave me these 5 years at home with her that I hope to never take for granted! So much, that homeschooling has been in our thoughts a lot more lately. It could really allow us some freedom to have more times doing the things we enjoy!
That is pretty much what has been happening with us! We love keeping in touch with each of you and still appreciate that you pray for us and encourage us in our faith. We still need and appreciate all the support. It is so hard to believe that Randon would be going on 3 this summer. I recently read that in grief, getting to the 3 year mark is a milestone. I still miss and think about my boys every single day. I wish terribly they were here. I wish we were a family of 7! They are so missed- by all of us! But we want to continue to honor their lives and be thankful for all the good and joy they brought to us!!
Speaking of that, don't forget to save the date!! Bowling Green's Alexs lemonade day is June 27th! Please contact us to find out how you can help!!!
Hopefully, I can get logged on much easier next time- so hope to update much sooner!
Thinking of you all often and always appreciating your friendships!!
love, hope and courage
Carol
Thursday, March 26, 2009 2:22 PM CDT
Well, I just realized that the update I had done last week never appeared on here--must have forgotten to hit that all important "submit" button!!!
I hope all of you are doing well. We are just as crazy as ever it seems. Life is really is good right now just a little too hectic most of the time.
Not sure what is new to report on right now. Just pretty much the same ole daily grind around here! Riley commented that she can't believe that the school year is almost over and how fast it has gone by. I explained to here that as you get older, the time goes faster and faster! I can't believe it either. Sadly, with all of our "snow" days (very little snow was involved) our school year has no been extented to the 28th of May...so sad, but I remember how excited I was with each cancelled day of school.
The date for Bowling Green's Alex" Lemonade stand date has been set for June 27th!! We hope many of you following us here will on to help again this year. We need every child, adult out there to help!! We are once again on with Simpson and Compton Orthodontics to host the big Grand Stand after all the neighborhood/community stands that day! Please keep in touch for more info or contact us if you would like to be added to the email list for regular updates from Riley. She has to be in the running for one of the busiest kids I know!
I was recently thinking about the very numerous differnces in my kids. In fact, I sometimes wonder how Riley and Reagan came from the same gene pool. They seem to share one thing in common- the love of fighting with one's sister- yes, it's true, these two and their quarrels can make me want to scream..actually screaming hasn't helped. Not sure the source of the problem but I know sometimes their differences at how they approach things and life in general can be a trigger to some issues. Not that one is good and one bad, just completely different!! We hope to work on that issue around here. Reese is still in the middle so far!! We will see.
This probably ranks as the least informative update ever!! I'm getting ready for a crazy weekend...I'm on the board of the Family Enrichment Center and we have our big 5K/mini marathon this weekend, Reagan is doing the Easter Pageant at church (which is a huge production you don't want to miss) Riley has a track meet in Henderson Ky...and well, it's just a little crazy here right now!! I need to be productive.
Hopefully, more exciting updates will come!
Please keep in touch!
love, hope and courage
Carol
Saturday, March 7, 2009 10:30 AM CST
We arrived safely back from Washington. Reagan did a video journal with our newest electronic gadget…flip video. So rather than tell you about our trip. The video would probably be a little better. Sorry for the length, and you will have to turn off or pause the music player above to hear.
We had a good time. Washington is such a great place to visit with so much to see. I am glad I went now, which I knew would be the case when I was thinking about backing out.
The next picture is Reagan all fixed up for the talent show at school. I will try to put that video on later- but not sure I can get her approval for that.
We are looking forward to spring and more sunshine!! Hope your days are going great as welll
Tuesday, February 24, 2009 7:14 AM CST
Happy almost March!! This is going to be my 5 minute update today. I did a very long, deeply thought out update last week and right before I posted, my doorbell rang and when I came back--it was gone!! Yikes.
I have a very busy week and need to get started on it but felt like this blog was way behind. Today, we are going to see if Reagan is ready for contacts. She is so excited so I hope this works out. She seems a little young, but the eye doctor said she could try. So we are off for that appointment this morning.
She and I are leaving bright and early at 3 am to go to Washington DC with the fifth graders from Rich Pond. I've been trying to get excited about this and I think I might be a little now. I do love DC and all there is to see. Please, please pray for our safety - I do not like us to all be separated like this but also don't want to waste so much time worrying about it either. Hopefully, we will all be safe and sound and back here on Sunday with many great memories!!
Another event this week is that it is time to register Reese for kindergarten. That I will be doing kicking and screaming!!! She seems so excited about school, but I just know life will never be the same with all of them in school now. We still haven't 100% made up our minds about school and its future for us. So much can change in a short amount of time, so I'm learning to take it one day at a time and just try and see what the plan might be for us in terms of schooling in the fall.
We are doing so much better on letting somethings go. I can' t begin to describe the relief of no one playing travel soccer right now. We may even have a few free weekends to try some other things as a family. We are exploring several new things that I hopefully can share more about in the future, but for now, we will just take it all a step at a time and continue to try and slow down enough to enjoy more sunsets and more lazy days while not being afraid to follow a dream. I've just been so aware of all the time suckers in our lives that seem to be holding us back from pursuing our heart. It seems I would often find myself saying when soccer season is over, we will do this, or as soon as we are done with basketball this...but things just keep filling up our time...not that they aren't good things or worthy things, but just that they keep us a little tied down, like the saying says: Life happens while we are busy making plans!
I hope you all are also anticipating spring with some hope of new and exciting adventures as well.
It is time to get Reesie up and to preschool, than Reagan to the eye doctor, then me to a board meeting, then Reese up from school, then Riley up from school, then Reagan to FPS, then Riley to an appointment, then Reagan to tennis, Greenwood disctrict game.....see where I'm going with my busy day!! time to seize the day!!
I'll end with a great quote I found for the week: Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
-Mark Twain
love, hope and courage
Carol
Thursday, February 5, 2009 7:22 AM CST
Once again, we have gone missing in action from caringbridge, which could be interpreted in a good way possibly.
It's been a busy time and I believe that my slight issues with some attention deficit can keep me from sitting down and completely some task. I finally have just a moment where the big girls are off to school and Reese is still asleep- so I thought I would try to complete some thoughts.
January of course is birthday month for us. My sister on the 15th, then Riley and Reese on the 17th and 18th. For the girls, it seems to have been birthday month. By the time we do birthdays with my family, then their friends, then Dale's family- we celebrate quite awhile. Ironically, the past two nights I have had to get up with Reese in the middle of the night because she is crying hysterically. When I finally can get her calmed down enough to tell me what is wrong, she tells me that she does not want to grow up and she wants to stay little. I try to point out the nice things about growing up, but she then reveals that she does not want to leave me. I try to reassure her that honestly, she could live with me forever (whatever it takes to reassure her for the moment)...that seems to calm her for just a minute but then she start back. I'm not exactly sure where this is coming from nor the exact root of the fear. I hesitate to promise her that she can always live with me- as hard as it will be I do hope she will have a lifle and family of her own one day- but I also can't guarantee that I'll always be around for her- which is a reality that none of us can promise our children and that is one of our biggest fears-not watching our children grow up. I'm hoping this is a short stage.
Right after we prepared Reese for almost 6-9 months that she was going to have a baby brother and then having to explain that her brother is in heaven- she went through a stage where she had so much fear and would tell us "I don't want to go to Heaven" You try to explain that it is a great place but all she can really see is that she wont be with mommy. That one use to just pierce through my heart. Fortunately, it was a stage and hasn't been brought up much in the past year or so.
Reese will tell anyone without hesitation that she has 3 boyfriends. And by boyfriends, she means "boyfriends." A while back Riley asked her which one she was going to marry. She thought about it for a minute but then said, "I want to marry Daddy." When I explained that daddy was already married to me, she insisted she wanted to marry him so she could live with us forever. Trust me, she is really stuck on this right now!!! I'm flattered and thrilled that she loves us so much, but I wish she didnt have such anxiety about growing up!
So what else is going on around here. Nothing extremely exciting. We all recently went to see "Wicked" in Louisville. It was great and we really enjoyed it-even Dale! Riley is finishing up playing Freshman and JV basketball which has turned out to be a really fun season for her. She got to dress in the varsity game this week and it was the highlight of her week. She told me she is sad to see basketball end which is a far cry from her attitude at the beginning where they had to really encourage her to join the team and give it a chance. She was hoping her injury would come back so she would have a good excuse to not play. Amazing what the right amount of encouragement from a coach can do.
Reagan plays upward basketball and still taking knitting and piano and doing future problem solvers and academic team. I didn't really realize how busy I had allowed her to get- she now has something every single day after school which is just too much. We are all excited that both girls are not going to do the travel soccer this spring. This will be the first season in 5 years that we haven't had one doing it -and both for the past 3 years. We are so looking forward to more weekend time, even though we still have many predator games to fill our Saturdays. Life's been happening while we've been too busy with 'stuff" and our new rule is if it isn't something you enjoy or really want to do - don't do it!! (outside of school of course)
Reagan and I will also be going with her class to Washington DC at the end of this month. I'm trying to get excited about it. However, I am one who definitely does not like to be cold. I'm not really a happy person when I'm cold!! So, I'm praying for a big break in the weather and for excetptionally warm temperatures while we are there. Having just gone with Riley and Dale in May, I know it's a great trip with so much to see, just not sure what it will be like with about 50 5th graders in freezing temperatures- we shall see!
Well, it's time to get ready and get Reese to school and start another busy day. I'll end with my intersting quote I found this week:
The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase: If you pursue happiness you'll never find it.
C.P. Snow
I really liked this- sometimes we are so busy trying to be happy or find those things/people that make us happy, than just focusing on all we have to be happy about.
Life is tough- I'm the first to believe that and believe me I fightnegativism on a daily basis. I have moments where I literally hate the world and eveybody in it. But usually I realize what a waste of energy. I have amazing friends and family and though it's so difficult sometimes, i'm going to be as happy as I can be- It's not something I have to go out and find, it's already here.
Hope you are having a great week. Oh, remember how my camera broke on Christmas Eve-still haven't had it fixed. All my pictures are on Riley's camera which I haven't figures out how to get off yet. Hopefully, I can share some pictures soon from our winter.
much love, hope, and courage!
Sunday, January 18, 2009 7:27 PM CST
I know I have been way behind. We are in the middle of birthday madness. My sister on the 15th, Riley on the 17th and Reese on the 18th. We have been doing birthday stuff all weekend!!! As I type this, I have a house FULL of teenagers. What started as a few friends to go eat has turned into a house full somehow. So I'm keeping myself busy on the computer....hmm.. they are so funny. Reese is right in the middle of them and I let Reagan have a friend so she would stay away. You know the little sister is cute but the not so little one...well, it's just easier if she has a friend.
So we have recooped from Christmas and are back in the routine. Dark and cold around here have made the days seem longer, but overall we are doing ok. It's always a difficult time of year for me. Last week I had to take the girls to the dermatologist whose office connects in the hospital. While in the waiting room, they played a lullaby which signals that a baby was just born. I really wanted to just cry right there when Riley said "oh, the lullaby-a baby was born." Of course the first time she heard it, Reid Dale Miller had been born. I realize that I have so far to go. It gets easier, but yet it doesn't. Everyday there is something that reminds me of my time with the boys, weather it was my pregnancy, the birth, the days at the hospital..just as a song says....always something there to remind me.
We are looking forward to some things slowing down and hopefully spring will be here soon!! No real New Year's resolutions for us...not that I can remember ever keeping one anyway!! We sometimes try to do that new word for the day where we learn a word and try to use it...sort of fun but we aren't very consistent. I've also been trying to find wise proverbs or quotes for what maybe going on with the girls. I think I'll share the one I shared with Reagan this week. Sometimes 11 year old girls really like to show off and I'm trying, though not always successfully to talk about the beauty of humility. Reagan was recently very frustrated by a friends no lack of reminding Reagan how great/smart whatever it was and this was our quote and reminder:
He who is humble is confident and wise. He who brags is insecure and lacking.”
Looks like one of those you would see on a church sign- I always love those,
Well, I guess I should get back to the house full of company and make sure all is well. Does seem like a good bunch of kids, so will hope for the best.
I hope you all are having a great 2009 so far!! Hopefully, I will be in better touch soon!
oh, and you are probably wondering about Freckles. Well, he's a puppy!! He is doing really well and the transition to a two dog family has gone smoother than expected but still, he's a puppy!!! More pictures to share soon!!!
love, hope and courage
Carol
Wednesday, December 31, 2008 1:44 PM CST
Monday, December 22, 2008 6:27 PM CST
Merry Christmas to all!! There are probably about 15 things I could be doing right now...wrapping, grocery shopping, baking, cleaning...but I decided to procrastinate yet again and send another update.
We have had no less than our fair share of chaos this holiday season! Where would I start? Maybe with last Monday. It was probably coincidence but last Sunday (Reid's birthday), actually all weekend, I did not feel very well. I was having a lot of headaches and dizzy spells. I rarely have a headache so I was a little concerned. I decided to check my blood pressure which I hadn't done in awhile and it was quite high. On Monday night, I got more dizzy and had a friend nurse practitioner check it as well, and she got the same thing. She suggested I go to the ER just to get it checked out a little further. We had probably been there 10 minutes when we get a frantic call from Riley who was home babysitting....Reese had fallen in her sock feet on the hardwood steps and busted her chin. My neighbor came over and checked it out and thought it needed stitches, so my sister in law brings her to the ER where Dale and I were. A short time later and about 4 stitches, we were both released to go home. It's sort of funny now, but at the time I was wondering why nothing could be easy for us. My CT scan and bloodwork came back good. Still not sure the source of the dizziness unless it was just a side effect of having high blood pressure but I've now found a regular doctor and working to get things under control.
Reese did great getting her stitches. After all we've been through, I honestly wasn't that bothered by the idea of stitches but just hated for her to have to go through that. She was so great. They had her head covered completely except her sweet mouth which never stopped talking. Dale and I were by her side and evrery now and then in this little pitiful voice she would cry out "Mommy" I couldnt help but relive some moments with the boys and wonder with all the procedures and things they went through how many times they wanted to cry out "Mommy!" I wondered, if like Reese, they knew I was right there for them. Hospitals will always be tough but things like stiches and easy fixes are really almost like no big deal!
So, we are finshing all the Christmas preparations! Reese is so much fun this year. The wonder and hope in her eyes are priceless!!
We were also very excited that Reagan was baptized Sunday night. She had made this decision awhile back but we wanted to wait and be cautious that she was truly ready. It was a beautiful candlelight Christmas service and has really put some new joy in the season. As difficult as Christmas is for so many, we continue to find the joy.
I know many of your are dealing with difficult things this Christmas as well. I wanted to put the song by Mandisa, Sometimes Christmas makes me cry, on here but haven't had any success, so I thought I would post these lyrics.
If I don't see you all before Christmas I wish each of you a very wonderful day! Like most of you, we will look for all there is to celebrate while we never forget the memories of all that is missing.
love, hope, and courage!!
the millers
I think of loved ones who’ve passed away
And I pray their resting in a better place
I think of memories of years gone by
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
I think of soldiers across the sea
Sometimes I wonder its them instead of me
For my freedom they give their lives
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
Tears of thankfulness, tears of hope
I cry tears of joy at Christmas cause I know
There is peace on earth for every heart to find
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
I think of families, I think of home
And say a prayer for those who spend this time alone
Cause love can reach out into a silent night
And that’s why Christmas makes me cry
Tears of thankfulness, tears of hope
I cry tears of joy at Christmas cause I know
There is peace on earth for every heart to find
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
I think of Mary and the virgin birth
And I’m amazed at how much God thinks we’re worth
That He would send His only Son to die
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
Tears of thankfulness, tears of hope
I cry tears of joy at Christmas cause I know
There is peace on earth for every heart to find
And sometimes Christmas makes me cry
Wednesday, December 10, 2008 9:15 AM CST
Make a Smilebox slideshow
Here are some pictures from our fun weekend at the parade. We all had fun and Riley really enjoyed it and had a wonderful experience. I think we live in such a sweet town. Most of all, we think it's great that we can still have a "Christmas Parade" as opposed to a "holiday parade" with plenty of Nativity scenes and no one seeming to be offended!
We can't believe how fast December is going!! I don't remember it going by this quickly in the past. I have a lot to do before it gets here!! I have not finished shoping and have not wrapped the first present. But as I always say, I thrive under pressure!!
We are coming upon a difficult weekend. It really doesn't seem possible that it's been seven years since Reid's birth. It's hard to describe how sad I am that he's not here with us to celebrate. I hope to never take a single birthday of anyones for granted. The nature of the season and all who are missing or who we fear we may never spend another Christmas with sure puts a air of sadness on this time of year. Its times like these that I know there really aren't any words to make it better or that really bring comfort and never help it make sense. We just have to get through the days and focus on the memories that make us happy and honor those we miss with how they would have wanted to be remembered. Aren't we reminded everyday how short and sad life is? Yet in the craziness of the moment, we quickly forget. I'm looking forward to school being out and some more time to spend together making more memories.
Hopefully, I'll have some more time soon to update our journey but I need to get busy on the day!! Wishing you all the best week possible and some Christmas magic for everybody!
love, hope and courage!
Thursday, December 4, 2008 1:43 PM CST
Dale and I had a wonderful time in New York City for our anniversary. We were like kids dating again. It was so much fun and so much to do. We got a lot of Christmas shopping done...more on Canal Street than on 5th Avenue!! Did you know that there are purses at the Prada store that cost $13,000!! I can not think of any purse in the world that I would like that much!!!
We saw White Christmas on Broadway opening night and also saw "The 39 steps." Good times!
Thanksgiving was nice too. Dale took an entire week off and it was great!!! We had a few days at home and finished all the Christmas decorating. As you know Dale likes to go all out!! So all that got done!! It was nice to have some time here at home with all of us.
We have a very busy weekend coming up. Riley was chosen as the Grand Marshall for the Christmas Parade this Saturday. I think it's going to be really cold but look forward to the fun!! She is very excited and so honored that they asked her...what a blessing.
Things are going really well around here. We have so much to be grateful for and all of us are really appreciating our time together. Life is busy as usual but haven't yet figured out how to get some things off our plate. After I boasted about how Riley was not going to play basketball and looking forward to coming home after school.....well, guess the coaches couldn't stand this 5'9, fast as lightning girl getting left behind. Last year, for whatever reason, she did not see the floor much at all. As she said, she was a certifiable bench warmer. We had to laugh about it to get through it but it was enough that she never cared to play basketball again. Sometimes just being a part of a team is important and sometimes you have to decide how you want to spend your time. The other girls were a great group but she has way too much going on to practice everyday and not play. Just not how she wanted to spend her time.
Well, this year, not only did they want her on the Freshman team but she also made the JV team. She had a game this week and she played the entire game! We were like in shock!!! She is doing great and ironically enough is now liking basketball...hmm, funny how actually playing makes it more fun!! So, that has us out a lot. It's hard dragging the little ones out to all of it but we are trying to figure out how to incorporate it all into some family time.
Riley is just so busy. I think I mentioned she is doing FFA- future farmers of America- which I found hilarious. She is very into it. She was chairman of the Parlimentary Procedures team (had no idea what that was) they just won the Region and now will go on to the state. I think they have like mock meetings and they are judged on using the correct Parlimentary procedures in variou situations- something like that. I've learned alot from her practice sessions. So between all that and the regular homework, she's plenty busy. She remains so sweet and well grounded. I really don't like to brag but I'm so proud of her, not for the accomplishments and awards but just for the kind of person she is...so much better than me.
As for Reagan...she is getting at the age where it can just be difficult sometimes....girls that is. Reagan loves school and she thinks that everyone thinks she is a nerd. Luckily, I've been through these "stages" before and I'm just praying her through it. She is playing Upward basketball, future problem solvers, piano, Kiwanis kids club and wanting to take Tennis lessons again. I think she's plenty busy! I think she's trying to decide if she really likes sports or not.
And then Reese, who has "issues" with clothes and I'm not kidding....she doesn't like them, especially pants. It was ok this summer when I could put a little sun dress on her but doesn't work so well in the winter. I know it sounds hilarious but it is starting to wear me down....who knew getting dressed every day could be such a battle!! She is really funny!!
So, this update has ended up sounding like one of those Christmas card letters!!! Yes, we are all doing great, life is not always perfect and neithere are any of us, but with grace and hope we deal with our mistakes..which are plenty- as they come!!
I've had a many others who are going through some very difficult times on my mind and heart lately. It has put so much in perspective even as I continue to deal with my own grief. I think I become more thankful everyday!
Hope you all are doing great as well and looking forward to the Christmas season. We love hearing from you!
much love, hope and courage
Carol
Friday, November 14, 2008 9:17 AM CST
Happy Friday!! We are doing great around here and I think my attention deficit has kicked in so much that I haven’t sat down and updated recently.
I really needed to be picking up around here so I found a good diversion. At the moment it actually looks like a bomb went off in the den.
Fall is rushing right through and at times it has felt we skipped straight to winter. I’m way behind on the Christmas Card picture. I have not even taken the picture yet and not sure when we are going to have another warm day that I can have everybody home.
The girls are just as busy as ever and I’m still amazed with how our time can get so consumed. I probably sound like a broken recored, but knock on wood, wow! High school is going great. I am so proud of the woman and young adult Riley is becoming. She seems to be making great decisions and using good judgement. She is such a joy to be around and I just wish we had more time together.
She really got into the political season this year…I mean really into it. She now says she really wants to have some type of career in politics. I personally think she would be great but not so sure it’s hyped up to be much more glamorous than it is. She is learning now that when your candidate doesn’t win, you don’t abandon your convictions and policies..you fight even harder for them. I’ve tried to teach her not to be conservative or liberal just because her parents are but to find out what each believes and what it really means. We have had many civics lessons around here and I think I have both Riley and Reagan hooked on talk radio! It’s been fun actually but I am glad that the whole political campaign is over. I am very proud of my community for electing two great guys that I am proud to call friends….one returning to the state legislature and one to Congress.!! Many congrats to Brett Guthrie..I’m excited to have him fighting for us in what could be a difficult Washington!!
Both Jim DeCesare and Brett Guthrie treated our family with much kindness in Frankfort and provided the girls with a great experience! We wish them both the best as they continue to serve.
So, we are just as busy as ever. Dale is still traveling a lot and me running from place to place while trying to squeeze this last year at home with Reese into some good memories for her. I can’t even think about going off to school next year..I’m definitely not ready. Dale is already asking me if I’m thinking of returning to the working world…hmmm…not ready to think about that one yet either.
In the picture, we have a long way to go, but in the smaller picture we are doing better with not sweating the small stuff and trying to keep our priorities in order.
Dale and I are going on an anniversary trip next week. To celebrate our 17 years of marriage, we are going New York. I’m getting really excited. It’s been 7 years since we took a trip just the two of us. (I came back with a great souvenir…Reid Dale Miller) No, that won’t happen this time, don’t worry mom! Dale and I have always dealt with our grief differently. I definitely wear it on my sleeve more and he has an amazing abiltily to stay looking ahead and not behind. But everyday I have thoughts of what could have been and extreme feelings of hurt and disappointed…always looking for outlets to help get to the next moment, the next day, the next week. Gettting geared up for the Christmas season that is upon us. So much heartache for many this year. I hope here at our house we can keep it simple and find away to reach out to others who are hurting and hoping!
Hope you all have a great week. Until next time,
Love, hope and courage
Carol
Tuesday, November 4, 2008 7:37 AM CST
I know I have been missing for awhile. Seems everytime I come to update, I would get interrupted.
I am literally on my way to go vote this morning so I need to get going!! I have some great pictures from Halloween and other events that I will share soon.
We've been busy with short trips and lots of hockey every weekend. I had a fun opportunity to go with my parents to my mom's hometown of Clifton, TN for her 50th high school reunion. I was the official photographer with my sister Charlotte and we had a great time...it was more fun than my 10th reunion!
Hope you are having a great fall. Please check back soon for an update when I have more time..here is one pic of the girls from Halloween..do you know who Riley is?..might give you an idea of how we'll be voting today. Regardless of the outcome, we ultimately know God is in control!
many blessing,
Carol
Tuesday, October 14, 2008 12:19 AM CDT
I am way behind again!! Hope all those that had fall break last week had a great one. We really enjoyed our time and I wish that we had one more week!!!! Too much to fit in and we didn't do nearly all the stuff we wanted.
Now that Riley's soccer season is about over, we are so excited about all the stuff we are going to do after school. Riley has a long list. For the past 3 years she had gone straight from soccer to basketball which practice everyday after school and by the time you get home, homework, supper, shower, there is no time left. She has decided not to tryout for basketball and we have some great ideas for things to do. Last week, Riley and I went for a little hike at lost river and somehow stumbled upon this park we had no idea about. So now, it's our "secret" park...sorry can't tell you about it, but we plan to go there most everyday. It offers something for everyone!!!! I'm afraid to say too much, but things have been great with a teenager in the house lately and we actually seem to like each other. Im so excited about having some time to do stuff besides sports!!!! Yeah
Riey and Reagan got to spend some time last week with Nicki and Isaiah and had a great time. Nicki, bless her heart. helped Reagan learn how to use a sewing maching since poor Reagan's mother is clueless. She also had them making home made cookies. That momma doesn't miss a step!!! I'm considering sueing my high school for not making me take home ec!! It's got to be their fault. I felt so inadequate.
Please keep Isaiah close in your prayers, He is having a very rough time right now and is back in the hospital. Last night when I was talking to Nicki about all his "numbers" and things, I realized how much I've forgotten. Part of me was thrilled that I could no longer remember what crp indicated or what a normal white count was...but part of me got so sad and just started crying. I think it was because those numbers remind me of taking care of them and as hard as it was at times, I really miss taking care of them. They were my precious babies and I just really, really miss them both!!! Some days are just sadder than others, but last night I just looked up and saw the picture of Reid smiling so big on my wall and it hurt so much I just ached not having him. I miss them every single day.
Nothing else really new or exciting going on here. The Predator season has begun and we went to our first home game Saturday (yeah, preds won) Soccer is winding down for Reagan too so I think we will be in full fledge hockey season. Does that make me a hockey mom?
I need to go pick up Reese from school. Hope you all have a great week!!!
love, hope and courage
Carol
Wednesday, October 1, 2008 11:27 AM CDT
Please look at your newstands for a copy of Justine Magazine (tees, real teens) On page 95 is a little feature about Riley. It is a great magazine for teen girls...check out the wesite justinemagazine.com and order subscriptions for christmas to family and friends!
Happy Fall!! It has been very sad to me to see the end of summer come, but always love the smell of the air in the fall.
We all had a safe soccer filled weekend. Reagan and I went to Louisville for her tournament and Dale and Riley went basically to Cincinnati for Riley’s games and Reese stayed here with her aunt and uncle. I think we all enjoyed getting away but so glad for everyone to be back safely. Have I ever mentioned that I’m just crazy about Reagan? She is so much fun. We had a good time together and I don’t get that one on one time enough with the older two especially. I am a little concerned about Reagan right now. I think we rushed her too quickly into her normal life and activity level after her significant blood loss this summer. She is looking pale to me and I could really tell her energy level is way down. I realized this weekend just how weak and tired she is. We are making a bigger effort around here to get more rest and better nutrition…any ideas for an extremely picky eater whose only source of meat is a chicken nugget from McDonalds (is that really a meat)!! Help!! She is worrying me like crazy, but what else is new? Yes, I’ve tried that letting her starve until she eats something good…but yes, I caved!!
We will have a week off for Fall Break next week. No big plans for us. Riley is going to be finishing up her high school soccer season and we hope to just enjoy some down time. Dale and I have decided to go to New York, just the two of us, for our 17th anniversary in November. We rarely take trips just this two of us (I think this will be our 2nd one), so I’m pretty excited. I’ve never seen New York in the fall!!! (I’ve only seen it once ever) Since we are saving our money for that big trip, we are just going to hang out fall break and I’m looking forward to it.
I hope the new fall is finding all of you well. As we move forward in these crazy times,…worry, uncertainty in the future, it has been a big reminder to me to just let the things we can not control go and focus on the things we can…spending time with our family, making memories and realizing this life is all but an instant. That doesn’t mean we still can’t try and go out and do our best to make the world a better place but keep your eyes looking up. I’m in one of those can hardly watch the news anymore. I’m waiting for the 24 hour “all news, all positive, all the time” network. My children have definitely inherited my genes for over reacting and having no tolerance for things that are not “fair” Reagan probably more than the other two, but we all have it. I’m always amazed how I can get so worked up over something that may not even involve me just because I see that it is unfair to somebody. I’ve never really accepted the whole “life’s not fair” even though I know too well that it is not. But I do think that it’s the handling of those unfair moments and the difficulties that come our way that make us stronger, better, wiser the next time. And probably because of that, life will never be fair. I think once you’ve been treated ‘unfairly” you are much more aware of how your own actions might not always be fair. It’s always different when we’ve walked in someone elses shoes!
Well, I’ve got way too much to do this week to get all philosophical!! Hopefully, we’ll have some stories to share next week.
Love, hope and courage
Tuesday, September 23, 2008 7:37 AM CDT
Thank you so much for all the sweet thoughts and wishes today. I'm already behind on my morning but wanted to take a moment to just refelct on the meaning of today before I move on with the craziness.
I wish I could say there was something good about 2 years ago but it was an incredibly painful rainy day. Nothing really even went as I had hoped even in the worse of circumstances but none the less another angel took his place in a world beyond our imagination. It is that hope that keeps me going. I have to believe that his too short two months here earned him an eternity of wonderful. Ironically I have 2 funerals to attend this week of two precious people (one was yesterday) which has me thinking even more about heavan and what it must be like. I definitely don't have all the answers but I'm striving to choose my happiness and let go of some of the pain of the past. The pain is always there but I'm looking for the streams in the desert waiting for the day when it will all make sense.
Our time here is short, don't get caught up in the game. Just enjoy the moment and if things are getting done or life isn't going as planned, just breath and spend some time doing something crazy with people you care about. I adore my family, I worry way too much about the things I can't control and my heart is broken daily. Many things in my life have not gone according to my grand plan but maybe my plan wasn't so grand after all.
Keep believing and hoping and don't forget to tell those you love everyday that you love them.
Please pray for our safety this weekend. We are all going to be separated and in different directions and that always makes me nervous!
I hope to update more soon, but thanks again for remembering this difficult day and for your thoughts and prayers.
love, hope and courage
Carol
Tuesday, September 9, 2008 1:22 PM CDT
Make a Smilebox slideshow
I'm a little behind on updating which means things should be going pretty well for us. Like most of you, I can not believe that it is September!
Reese worries a lot about "being big" She is one of the few kids I know that does not want to be big. She often talks about not growing up and living with me forever. As enticing as that sounds most times, I'm not sure whats behind this "worry" of hers. She tells me everyday that she is going to live with me forever! She also constantly talks about her boyfriends! yes, she tells us that she has 3. By far, she is the only boy crazy girl I think we are going to have...but she definitley is. One day I stopped at Dairy Queen to get her favorite vanilla ice cream cone. I noticed that she was eating it very 'passionately' and I asked her what on earth she was doing. She replied "Practicing kissing my boyfriends!!" I wish I was kidding....I couldn't make this stuff up!!
We are coming up of course on the 2nd anniversary of Randon leaving us. Like I always say, the anticipation of the day is usually worse than the day. I've been upset lately about a situation at Reid's head stone. Before she passed away, Dale's mother bought a John Deere tractor that has been there on Reid's stone for at least 4 or 5 years. We went to visit the other day, and it's completely gone. What kind of sicko steals something from a chid's tombstone???!!!! Reagan walked up and down all the other headstones as sometimes the mowers will place things back on the wrong stone, but it is gone!!! I'm trying hard to just let it go and not get so upset but I can't imagine what kind of scum would do that!!!!!
Recently, I've been talking to a couple of grieving friends. Even though I probably knew it already, I've been amazed at the similar feelings grievers share. Especially, the ones we feel guilty about or that or hard to admit, like the disappointment we have in other's responses (or lack of) to our grief and how long and hard the entire process of grief i. Because I'm a little further out then they are, I think I can see that I am getting better at handling it. It doesn't get easier and time does not make it better....I do not believe that....I just think time allows you to get better at dealing with those feelings. I think I'm at a much better place in terms of forgiveness..even if forgiveness was never really due. I've really come to appreciate that no one can really understand unless they have walked in your shoes, seen what you have seen, and felt what you have felt, know what you know. I'm doing better giving some a "pass." Nobody wants their pain minimized, it's just not helpfu, but I truly think we often have lousy bunch of comforters around us just as Job did who try to "solve" or rationalize things with their words, and it's just not possible. Their intentions never mean ill, but their words can be so interpreted in a variety of difficult ways. The hardest part for me is the stuck feeling. It's hard to let go, I don't want to move on and frankly, how could I? It's going to be with me forever...and I have lots of fear ahead with my children and therefore, I deal with it every single day, always cognizant that many have been through much worse, but knowing what I went through has been extremely difficult as well. Having said that, it's great to be reminded everyday how blessed I am to have such wonderful bunch of comforters around too. Simple things like smiling, fresh air, and hugs do wonders to help me keep breathing.
I have thought more seriously about maybe doing a more formal writing piece (i.e a book?) about my thought on comforting the hurting, but needing a little more confidence and peace about it.
Well, I have promised Reagan that I owe her a photo shoot soon. Trying to find a day when both her hair and weather and schedule cooperate. As usual, I'm always trying out new slideshows and photo opportunities.
Wishing you a happy fall. We have several things coming up this fall/winter to look forward to...so stay tuned as I share these things.
love, hope and courage
Carol
Monday, August 25, 2008 8:34 PM CDT
I haven’t spent much time playing around with my camera as I use to, so decided to give it a try Sunday. If you are wondering where the poor middle girl is, she was too busy at friends houses and skating, so she missed the fun. Riley has been interviewed for Justine magazine (it’s a teenage magazine about fashion, etc but also with an emphasis on encouraging volunteerism and community service…you can google it)
I’m not exactly sure if they are doing the article but I think they are, They needed some pictures of Riley and we didn’t have any recent ones. I must have taken 200 just playing around and I’m not convinced she liked any of them.
It feels like summer is definitely over and we are back full swing in the school thing. It’s been ok so far, just sad that summer is over. A routine is always nice but I do miss the freedom of summer.
Riley got off her crutches which has been nice, but I’m afraid she still has a recovey in front of her. She is doing some light exercises but still can’t kick a ball yet. She seems to like all her classes and to Dale’s pleasure, she has jumped right in into FFA….future farmers of America. She is an outdoorsy girl, but I was a little surprised she wanted to take agriculture and all that entails right now. However, I think she likes trying some new things and is looking forward to finding activities besides sports. The Prudential program is such a wonderful thing. If you all know of some kids making a difference please refer them to the prudential spirit of community program at prudential.com. It has made a wonderful difference in her life and we all have gained so much from being part of the program. We would highly recommend applying for the program.
Life continues to come at us full speed. Yet, everyday I’m dealing with the demons of the past. Still not a day goes by that I don’t want to break down in tears at some point or just rip somebody’s head off. Each day I still am hopeful that tomorrow I’ll make that progress towards becoming a better person and letting go of the small stuff. I once heard it takes 14 days to break a habit, so there are several things I want to do or not do for 14 days, I let you know how the experiment goes.
So, I better get busy!! Hope your school years are starting off good too! And so not to leave her out, Reagan is doing well too. She seems to be as happy as ever! Reese started a dance class this year and so far so good. Soccer is very interesting for Reese. She seriously wants to wear a dress and tiara when she plays because her team name is the princesses. I know things can change, but right now I’d have to say soccer may not be her thing!!! It is entertaining though!!
Keep in touch!!
Love, hope and courage
Monday, August 11, 2008 10:31 PM CDT
Just sharing some pics of the last memories of summer!
AAHH!!!! Wow, against my better judgment, I sent my kids off to school. I wasn’t happy about it and still believe that summer is completely too short and we should not start school until after labor day, but hey, whose going to listen to me?
So I once again resisted my urge to home school and sent Riley off to high school and Reagan to the 5th grade. We crossed the first hurdle when we got most of the teachers we wanted. However, best friends did not seem to get in there with us. Since everything can’t be perfect, they counted their blessings and both agreed that they had some good friends in their classes and they would make it work.
As for me, I’m holding on tight to Reese who has one more year until Kindergarten. She is gong to preschool but I also resisted the urge to put her in a everyday program. I know it would have been really good for her but what she would have gained in academics I would have lost in watching this baby grow up. Neither she nor I want her to be big. I do not ever want her to be old enough to go to kindergarten, but I will be thankful when the time comes that she is here and able to go. In the meantime, I really want to enjoy her and our time this year.
I was also going to get everything cleaned out and supper on the table every night…you know new years resolution for the new school year. Well, one week down and I don’t think much progress has been made in that area, but theres always tomorrow. Dale has been traveling most every week and along with the start of school came the start /return of soccer (times 3), piano, dance, tennis, music, and all those crazy activities they insist they participate in. Nobody would believe what our days are like after 3 oclock. Oh, yeah, I bet some of you know what I’m talking about. I still haven’t figured out how to have them at different places across town at the same time. Thank the Lord for good friends who like to carpool.
Riley’s year/summer did not go as planned. Although I must say watching how she has handled it all has been such a treat. She decided at the end of the school year that she was going to become the most physically fit person ever! She enjoyed track and really wanted to improve on her personal best for all her events, not to mention that she was also going to work hard being the best soccer player ever too. She started out strong going to cross country practices every morning at 6:30 am. Then came the knee problem and then the strained quad and then the stress fracture…which of course led to the crutches and absolutely no participating in sports for awhile. Initially, she was upset. But I have seen her turn her disappointment into a good outlook and truly make lemonade out of lemons.
She reminded me (who may have taken it as hard as her) that sports aren’t everything and she really wants to do well academically. She will also tell you that everything happenes for a reason and it will out turn out how it should. I’m thrilled to see her so into her classes right now, it’s still early, but hoping it continues. What she lacks in natural smarts, she makes up for with just hard work. She is inspiring me.
So once again, another school year is here. It already feels like fall and I look forward to all the days they have ahead. High school! Wow, brings back memories. I sit with anticipation knowing all the excitement that is ahead of her, but also all the heartache. Don’t know how I’ll handle the firs time a boy breaks her heart. I’m pretty good with dealing with the girl drama, but know so much more of that is ahead. All I can do is pray for her and wish and hope that she knows how much she is loved and how proud we are of her. She doesn’t have to be the best soccer player or track star, she’s just a pretty neat kid who we enjoy being around. Now, if only she and her sister could get along a little better all the frequent carpooling might not be so difficult.
On another note, it's sort of some sad times around here as we grieve the loss of a friend to cancer. I know most of you know Mike but I just wouldn't feel right without mentioning what a tremendous guy he was. I'm still guilty often at times in thinking and remembering people in how they were there for us during some difficult days. I didn't know Mike too well initially, other than he worked with Dale and had been Riley's Sunday School teacher, but when I was in Philadelphia with Reid and homesick and worried, Mike and I had many, many email conversations and he was always such an encouragement and friend to me (as he was to many) and was never hesitant to reach out to me. Ironically, Dale reminded me that right after Reid passed away, I couldn't get out of PA fast enough. It was a tough plane ride but when we landed we ran into Mike, the first familiar face after everything. He was leaving for a trip and had not heard that we had lost Reid. I just always appreciate the friend he was to me and so many others and know how much he will be missed.I vividly remember my last conversation with him in the middle of Wal Mart...cancer never took his positive, vibrant outlook and sweet spirit. He will never be forgotten from all the encouragement he brought to others.
I’ve gone on way too long. Can’t wait to share some Reese stories with you soon. I wish you all a good school year!!!
Many blessings and love, hope and courage
Carol
Tuesday, August 5, 2008 8:20 AM CDT
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
PRESCHOOL, 5TH GRADE, 9TH GRADE!!!! Preschool to start next week
5th grade:
Freshman!! And oh, big sigh, the crutches? Soccer/track injury from summer…just figured out it was a stress fracture. She was not happy about starting high school on crutches!!! Hoping a cute senior will help her with her books!!haha!!!
And, best of all, thank goodness for friends on the first day!!
I'm a little sad this morning!! Waiting for Reese to get up and enjoy our last year together before she starts kindergarten!! Praying all the kids have a great year!!!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008 7:00 AM CDT
TURN THE MOVIE PLAYER ABOVE OFF BEFORE VIEWING
Riley has been helping me learn imovie as we put this video together of our family's summer focus. It is 10 minutes long, but hard to put all that work into anything else. Many still haven't sent us their pictures, but never fear, I'm getting this movie making thing down and already have an idea of what we are going to do when we get everyone's pictures..so send them to me!!!!! This is our initial trial I'm so disappointed in the quality that gets changed when you upload it. It is better if you go to youtube and actually make sure you click on the bottom right view in higher quality. You tube is the only way I could get it on here. Trying to find a better quality way to have it hosted so I can share here or email...I'm always open for suggestions! It is so much better on a regular DVD.
Only a few days left until school. I am very sad, but dealing with it the best we can. We are on a mad rush to get all the last minute fun in!!
I never expect anyone to remember all the special dates involved with us, but I'm always so touched when someone does. Thanks to each of you for your kind words on Randon's birthday. We never forget and can not believe that it's been two years since he was a part of us here on earth! I still ache with grief of missing him and all that he would have been. Still pushing forward!
love, hope and courage
Carol
Thursday, July 17, 2008 8:39 AM CDT
Please turn off the music player above and watch this video made by our dear friend Ann Bolin. Ann, Amie Willgruber, Lisa Easley and their kids and friends were such a great addition to our Alex Lemonade Day this year. I'm still crying over it:
We had a great weekend. There are many stories to share but the pictures above will tell so much. We have many more pictures and Riley is working on making a DVD on her mac. Any of you that were involved, please send us some pictures so that we can include as many as possible.
We have so many people to thank. Everybody who helped or stopped at a stand made this day great. Independence bank is still counting the money (they have been so helpful with this), but our preliminary numbers show we raised over $22,000.00 which is truly amazing and a testament to this community. Drs. Simpson and Compton were the perfect addition this year.
I have a very busy day that I'm already running late for but I wanted everyone to know how great the day was. I can't describe the feeling of everywhere you looked seeing your family and friends helping so much and jumping in there to work on this project. It such a confirmation of living in a great town and realizing we have such wonderful friends and community. In addition to all the girls' friends, I was so excited to see such support from our church. Our fellow worshippers (not sure that is a word) really were there for us and it was such a blessing. When Riley got in the car to come home Saturday night after a day that began at 5:30 am for her, she said "It was everything I hoped it would be." I thought that summed it up well.
Thanks so much!! We will share more soon.
Carol
there are some more pictures and updates still at our website:
firstgiving.com/bowlinggreenlemonade
Tuesday, July 8, 2008 3:15 PM CDT
I know most of you have seen the clip from Riley's today show interview, but I figured out how to tag it and decided to try and add Dont forget to turn the music player above off first!
The lessons of lemonade
This is one of the busiest weeks of our lives right now. I am swamped being Riley's personal chaueffer, pr firm, secretary...you name it. She was on Midday Monday and will be on am KY in the morning (7/09) and wggc 95.1 Friday morning around 8 am. I think I'm officially her "people" (you know, have your people call my people) Anyway, we are all busy!
This Saturday is the big event. I could tell you about it, but all the details are here:
firstgiving.com/bowlinggreenlemonade
Please check it out!!
Hope all of you in town can support a great cause by visiting a stand near you or coming to the big one from 4-7 at Simpson and Compton Orthodontics on the By-pass.
Hopefully, we can do some other things this summer after this week!!
It's going by so fast. Hope you all are having a great one!
Carol
Tuesday, June 24, 2008 6:52 AM CDT
I love this picture of them. It was made right in front of Central Park right after Riley was done with the Today Show. I am going to have to make some new pictures of Reese and get them on here since she is been really left out lately.
Last week, Riley and Reagan went to soccer camp....Reagan is doing so much better and got a really good report on her Hemoglobin levels last Wednesday. It was almost normal which I think was surprising that it had turned around that fast. She is still fairly weak for things like sports, but overall you would never know anything was wrong with her. So, the big girls went to this camp at WKU and got to spend two nights in a dorm on campus. (Reagan was more excited about that than the soccer part) Reesie had me all to herself even though she informed me as they were leaving "It's no fun without sisters!" There was a moment that I was hugging and kissing on her and she said in this sarcastic almost annoyed type voice "Why do you love me so much? It took me by surprise for a second not really knowing exactly what to say, so I said because you are so wonderful and very special to me. She then replied very matter of factly, "No, it's because I'm your little girl" I thought for a moment, yep! you are mine!! Even though over the years as a mother I've tried to accept that ultimately they are not "mine" I can't save or protect them from everything like I would like. I've not yet learned how to let go of the things I can not control. Life with a teenager is more than interesting. Did none of you warn me??? or is it that you just have to experience it to really understand? I'm trying to learn how not to over react and to keep telling myself that this mood will soon pass! They are really funny although there are moments I dont see anything funny about her or her friends. I expect that she is going to need major surgery someday on her thumbs...from all the texting. I'm trying to teach her the advantages and ease of actually just calling and talking to an actual person. Most of the text consist of stimulating conversation like just "hey" then it's "hey" whats up? nm hbu? idk or lol and all that.
i would say that I don't get it, but I must confess that once I was broken and allowed texting into our family, I have been guilty myself. Sometimes, you just don't have time to get in a big conversation and it's nice to send that instant message or you are in a meeting, etc. It can be nice. My favorite is when the kids in the backseat text my daughter in the front seat with things like "Ask your mom if I can come over or they give their Macdonald's order to her"
We have so much more to compete with these days. Our home phone is becoming obsolete. Yet, this world of instant gratification can be nice. I'm usually one text away from knowing where my daughter is and what she is doing. Yet, at other times when we have to exercise patience and waiting, we can very easily get out of sync!! I'm trying to encourage a little revamping around here. We've been non stop since school has been out, emotions have been running high, kids are up too late and then up too early and all of that can just wreck havoc on positiveness and happiness!! I told them to try to randomly just text somebody something nice or encouraging. We forget how far a kind word can go, especially when we've been throwing out some not so kind ones.
June is almost over. It seems the big Alex's Lemonade Stand is pretty much what all of us around here are working on. We are excited but it's taking much work as anything worth doing should. Please check out the website above and come out to Simpson and Compton on July 12th to see us and support a GREAT cause!!! We hope this is really successful and Riley really desires for this to be the biggest fundraiser yet!
Thanks so much Maria for the info on the link to the Today Show video. I had no idea you could do it this way, but if you go to aol.com and then under videos search "lessons of Lemonade" Riley's segment from the Today show will come on there (you will see a little boy first and then she comes on).
Riley is going to be on Midday and then AM Kentucky here on July 7th and 9th, I'll try to get the exact dates/times later.
I hadn't posted since Father's Day but I don't think it is ever too late to say that I'm so lucky to have two wonderful fathers in my life...Dale and my dad. One of my high school friends one time told me upon spending time with Dale that I had married my dad. I told her "Well, then I did great!! I love these two men in my life!! And hey, I'm fortunate enough to have a great Father in law too!! We often have a shortage of male hormones around here, but they always come through and provide for us in ways beyond our wildest expectations!! Happy Belated Father's Day to all the dads!
It's time to get going for the day!! Hope you all have a great week full of those moments that take your breath!!
love, hope and courage
Carol
Wednesday, June 11, 2008 9:47 PM CDT
Wow!!! What a trip. We had an amazing time.
Some of the million of pictures are posted on the web gallery under New York album
web gallery here
Everything was perfect until my phone got lost the very last hour, or stolen, or I think maybe lost, then stolen. Anyway, it's gone and that was a little downer, (story for another day) but since we all returned home safely, I'm focusing on the positive.
The script didn't go exactly as planned, but welcome to live TV. It was a great experience and we had such a wonderful time. The pictures will tell the story. Riley has more on her camera, that I will have to add later.
If you missed the Today show, It was on the website (msnbc.com or something like that) If you search "lessons of lemonade" in the video search of the today show home page, it should come up but not sure how long it will be on there. I found it on there today. We DVR'd it, but not sure how to get it off a DVR onto a DVD.
Riley thinks she wants to live in New York now!! She liked that shopping in Chinatown. As most of you know, it's definitely different!
It's getting late and I still haven't unpacked everything, so I need to get some things done but couldn't wait to say we had a great trip and wonderful experience. Thanks for all the support from "back home"!! We love you all! Our other blog has some new journaling on it predsfan blog
Hope you enjoy the pictures!!!
love, hope and courage
Carol
Thursday, June 5, 2008 8:26 PM CDT
We are trying to get ready to head out for the big Apple! We are not taking Reese. I told someone she's not ready for New York and they corrected me that New York is not ready for her!!
So, we are settling with the house sitter (a 220 pound policeman) and doing some last minute packing and scrambling not to forget anything!!!
We are all excited. Again, I thing Riley's segment will be short and sweet..so you'll probably have to watch close, but that is perfectly fine with us, we are just as excited about having a vacation now!!! As far as I know it will be during the 7:30 half hour (8:30 central) but that has not been completely confirmed.
Hope you have a great week. Do you think we'll have any pictures to share when we return??
Please pray for our safe travel, Reagan's health and for all of our hearts to truly understand and handle everything with God's grace, humilty, patience and love.
Much love, hope and courage
The Millers
Friday, May 30, 2008 5:52 PM CDT
Hello all,
We have had a rollercoaster summer all ready. Reagan gave us a little scare there with her post tonsilectomy complication but, after 6 days in the hospital, she is doing very well now. She missed the last two weeks of school, which means she must all the "play" days and field trips but we now have plenty of time to do some fun stuff ourselves. We had a about an hour of time that took another 10 years off my life where they thought she might have a bleeding disorder, but all has turned out negative. She loss a lot of blood and her hemoglobin got dangerously low, so it is going to take awhile for her to feel normal again. Well, so they said, she is already acting 100% better!!
The other big news is that the Today show is still on; however, the date keeps changing. Today, I got the panic phone call that the date in now Monday June 9th!!! Yikes, that is just about a week away so we are scrambling to make plans! All of us would like to make a quick trip to New York
I believe the plan is for June 9th in the 8:30 half hour (which is 7:30 our time) but stay posted because that could easily get changed. It seems we might keep getting bumped. Come on, haven't we all had enough of Obama/Hilary wars?? What could be better news than this!!
Well, a million things are going on. I have to share more later about all the events and Reid's anniversary date!!
Talk to you soon!
Carol
Friday, May 16, 2008 11:18 AM CDT
-----on Monday, Reagan had a pretty bad post op bleed and had to go back to the OR to cauterize it. We are still at the hospital with her, may come home today...she's had a tough time but really hanging in there
On a side note, Riley is going to be on Midday today
thanks for all the prayers! Hopefully well be back in our routine soon!
Washington pictures
I love this picture of Riley…my little heavy weight champion of the world. I learned a valuable lesson while in Washington…never stand next to Riley in a picture. If you do, everything about you will look big…even my head and if there is anything small about me, it’s my face. She is so tiny that you are setting yourself up for a big gasp when you are next to her!
Wow!! What a week. Where do I start. I realize that this blog is becoming a little boring. I think it would serve more justice to just video or days and put it up here, you have to see it to believe it, yet I have the feeling that there is so much that would seem so familiar to you.
My little pumpkin Reagan has had a rough time. This tonsil thing has not gone as smooth as I had thought or hoped. It seems to vary. I know people who had a hard time and people who seemed to sail through it Reagan just has had so much nausea and vomiting. We thought it was a virus, then we thought it was the medicine and now just not sure. She is making some progress and we are really praying for a big turn around in the healing direction this weekend. It’s been hard for me seeing her so sick, especially when it s for something like tonsils. I’m just thankful that I know this is temporary and all be a memory soon. Please keep her in your prayers.
There is so much going on right now. School is almost out, and wow! Summer will be here.
My niece is graduating from high school and can I just brag on her a minute?. I don’t want this to be the big bragging blog, but you got to hear about Sloane. She has worked so hard in high school….AP classes, Governor’s scholar, girls state, volunteering, blow you mind ACT score. We invited her to the Preds game with us several times and she wouldn’t go because she had to study…on a Saturday night. She got big news this week that she got accepted and a good offer from Vanderbilt. Actually, she is still on the waiting list at Harvard but getting excited about Vandy. I think I’m officially a Vandy fan now.
Happy Graduation and congratulations to Sloane and all the 08 graduates. We have several graduating this year that we are so excited about. Congrats to our former neighbor Breana too!! They moved far away so but we are so happy for you too!
Well, I guess I will go ahead and tell the other big news that happened this week. We are still floating in the clouds since the Washington trip. Riley has had a little bit of a hard time with all the attention. Of course, she has been so honored and touched, but she feels that it is so unfair that she is getting all this recognition for Alex Scotts idea. Riley has always LOVED lemonade stands so when she heard about Alex Scott, she couldn’t get involved in that project fast enough. This week they recognized Riley at the school board meeting and awards night at school and she expressed in the car on the way home that it’s so not fair that Alex is not getting all the awards and attention. I assured her that by keeping her mission alive, Alex is making an incredible difference in this world. We all want this event to be successful, not for the recognition but because we know first hand how important research is. If the research does not come through, we will never know if our girls are carriers for this horrible disease and more and more children will suffer through horrible cancer. Please contact your senators and see if they have signed bill 911 End childhood cancer Act…got to curesearch.com for more information
Once again, I’ve gotten off topic. Here’s the news, In the midst of everything that is going on we got a phone call this week, that the Today show in New York wants Riley to come up and be on the show on June 16th. All the details aren’t worked out but looks like we will be headed that way. She is so excited but again feels so unworthy. I encouraged her to continue to be a voice for Alex, Reid and Randon. Not sure if you got a chance to go to the Prudential.com/spirit and check out what some amazing kids are doing., but it is so worth a click.
So Dale is back in town, I feel better from my minor ailments this week. We have graduation, soccer games, state middle school track meet and all kinds of craziness this weekend. Riley has taught us so much about priorities lately and how we spend our time. If we don’t make it to soccer or track this weekend, the world is going to keep revolving…hopefully, we make some good memories doing something!! Like one of the songs above says, I feel I’m just one mistake way…I try to remember not to let the ‘truth be drowned out by the storm I’m in’. There is still not an hour I don’t think about the boys and all that has happened and the “what if’s”and have this heavy empty arms.
I’ve gone way too long. Have a great week and don’t forget to check out Riley’s website and the link above and think about helping with the project if you live close.
I need to get busy today, I’m way behind in getting out there and changing the world!
Love, hope and courage
Wednesday, May 7, 2008 8:34 AM CDT
***Sweet Reagan had her tonsils and adenoids out on Friday. We were very nervous about it even though its pretty routine, nothing is ever routine for us. She did great but Saturday night, bless her heart, on top of it, we think she got a 24 hour stomach virus. It scared us so much because it's hard enough not to get dehydrated without a virus and throwing up with a very sore throat...it was awful!! She was a trooper and has gottten thru that part without going back in the hospital. As most of you know, it's an up and down recovery and now I am sick...I honestly think I have strep (sympathy pains or what) We hope to all get on the mend in a big way these next few days!!!
Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful mother's!
Wow! Do we have the most amazing adventures from our trip to tell you about. I do believe this trip was one that you could say was life changing.
I probably didn't explain very well what we were even going to D.C for, so I will try to give you some background so that I can more accurately describe this amazing opportunity that we had.
In the fall, Riley's principal and school nominated her for the Prudential Spirit of Community award. It was during a hectic time and I wasn't really sure what all it was about. Riley completed a very lengthy application on line that unfortunately I don't think I ever read completely nor did I save a complete copy of it. I had help her do some cutting and pasting from word to the application online and would read some it as she did some, but again, she had to work on it over a time period as it took awhile. I know she had to pour her heart into it. I believe she did that in October and then we sort of forgot about it (I honestly didn't know much about it). In February we got a package from UPS that said she had won the state middle school level (they pick one high school and one middle school from each state) This included a $1,000 and a trip to Washington DC to be honored and recognized. We had no idea it was such a big deal!!!!
We were excited about our trip and it was so amazing. Let me tell you, there are some kids out there doing incredible things. I can't remember when I've been more inspired. They treated these 102 state honorees like they were royalty..definitely red carpet treatment. Tours, dinners, and all kind of goodies!! Every little detail so perfect!! The kids and parents stayed separate and they had a program and we had a program. Sarah Ferguson and Beverly Mitchell (seventh heaven) were the featured speakers. Have I mentioned that all 102 of these kids were amazing?
On Monday there was a luncheon at the US Chamber Of Commerce where they were going to recognize 10 national honorees as the top Volunteers in the nation. I have no idea how they could pick 10 out of that group. I could never have done it because they were all amazing. Of course, I think that Riley Miller is the greatese daughter on earth, but we never expected her to be named in the top 10. We were so amazed that she had made the state level. I can't describe the shock when they called her name.
We are so proud not only of her, but this community who made her achievement possible which probably includes most everyone reading this. She had an idea, you all made it happen.
We met so many new friends. Her roomate was from Hawaii and that was incredibly cool for Riley. We met another amazing family from Missouri who do a very similar project in their town in honor of the neuroblastoma survivor son. Their son has raised over 100,000 with his efforts in their town.
I would love to share with you each of these kids stories, but that would be impossible. However, I have something I would love to share with you.
If you go to www.prudential.com/spirit You will see a link to the video of the lunch where they nameed the top 10. It may be long, but if you can get to the part when they tell the stories of what each of these kids have done, you will certainly recieve a blessing. I can't wait to share it with Reagan and Reese so they too can see how kids are making a difference. Riley even does not feel worthy and has expressed that sort of "winner's guilt" We talked on the way home that it was so wonderful to be honored but that is never why she did this or why she continues to want to do it. Alex Scott truely inspired here and it's so sad that Alex did not live long enough to receive this award. I hope that you can somehow find time to watch it, with tissue nearby. It may take some time, but if you need a lift in life...watch it!!!
She got to visit with both Kentucky senators Jim Bunning and senate leader Mitch McConnell who were so gracious to all of us. Our nation's capitol is so beautiful. I had not been to DC since I was about 8 and I can't wait to go back.
It would be impossible to share all the pictures here. But please go to our web gallery to see the pictures from our trip.
http://gallery.mac.com/predsfan#100080
Washington pictures
I must brag on Prudential. What an amazing event they sponsor and they spared no expense!! They do this with the National Association of Secondary School Principals. Just truly a class act. Art Ryan, the retiring CEO and his wife Pat were just so sincere. Thank you Prudential and NASSP!
I truly hope you can watch some of the recognition ceremony and wish you could here what all 102 of these kids had done.
I'll quote what the first girl they recognized (lost her leg to cancer) said to all of us as we were about to go board our plane to come home yesterday "Go change the world"
love, hope and courage
Carol
Friday, May 2, 2008 7:07 AM CDT
As promised there is one the pictures of me singing on the jumbotron at the Predators game. Guess I had my 15 minutes of fame!!
We are getting ready to leave for Washington with Riley. The little girls will be staying here. Of course, now that we are about to leave town, Reese is very sick.. I need her to get better and none of the rest of us to get it before we leave. I'm very nervous, Reese seems to have the stomach virus bad. Yuk!!
I have more pictures to share but running just crazy this morning trying to get everything ready for our trip and the others settled here. We received some precious pictures yesterday from two sweet sisters who donated to locks of love in memory of Reid and Randon. That was so sweet and we were very touchted.
It looks like a bunch of rain where we are going. I praying for a change of weather since our trip involves lots of walking tours. never fails to be our luck. it should be fun to get away from the rat race we are missing track meets, soccer tournaments, etc, but I think the break from the schedule will be good for all us of.
hope you are having a happy spring. Riley is getting into full swing to start preparing for the lemonade stands. Save the date for July 12..
www.firstgiving.com/bowlinggreenlemonade
you can also go to alexslemonade.org and click on the bottom right at Countrytime Grand stands!!
have a great week! As always thanks so much for all that continue to follow us and for all the kind notes on the guestbook. I've not been very good lately about responding, but I always read and think of so many of you often. Mollie, if you are reading this, we went to your site and are so excited about the coming baby boy!!!
love,hope, and courage
carol
Monday, April 21, 2008 2:02 PM CDT
I have definitley been neglecting my duties on here. So much has been going on it seems, I'm sure I would miss several things if I tried to go back and recap everything.
Meagan, we did feel the earthquake, well, actuallay, Riley, Reagan, and Dale felt it and Reese and I slept through it. I had given blood that day (that's my excuse and I"m sticking with it) and I think it sucked every drop of iron out of me. I had gone to bed around 8 oclock that night and never moved. Riley and Reagan came running down the steps claiming their rooms were shaking. I thought that they were either crazy or maybe it was storming, I just wanted to go back to sleep and then Dale said "I think it was an earthquake" I don't think that would have ever entered my mind. So, we experienced (I say we lightly) our first earthquake.
It seems like Ive just had so much preoccupying me that I havent felt much like updating and I havent been very good about answering email either. The sun and warm weather has been teasing us...I'm begging it to come and stay for awhile. I'm sort of ready for school to be out, although I sort of hate to rush it. We have testing these next couple of weeks...which should mean no homework!! Then, it's sort of downhill...one more month.
Reagan is having her tonsils and adenoids removed on May 9th. I've postponed it as long as I could and I think she really needs it. She seems constantly congested and sore throat. She will probably miss the last two weeks of school.
Riley appreciates all the encouragement on the video. She is starting work on this years event which should be fun. Again, the date is July 12th and please let her knew if you are interested in getting involved with the lemonade stand day here.
I do have something funny to share. We went to the Preds game last Thursday night. I was not thrilled about going on a school night but it was the play offs and everybody really wanted to go. So, we did. As you probably can guess with us, if there is a rare side effect or a 1% chance of something bad..I feel like that is my luck. I'm not sure if what happened next is a good chance or bad..a little both. There was a sold out crowd of 17,000+ people there and somehow this girl finds our little group and asks if we have any singers in the bunch. We point to the girls, but they need singers who are 18. Of all of us, I am definitely the one who can not sing but somehow I got stuck doing the O'Charley's sing for your supper "contest" and I had to at a time out on the big Jumbotron finish the song Tim McGraw sings after the predators score each time. it was hilarious and stay tuned for pictures...just got to get them downloaded. I won a 100 gift card to O'charleys..so I guess it was worth it and the crowd was kind, I did not get bood. That was a bonus.
Please keep us in your prayers. I've had some difficult days lately for a variety of reasons and just seem to be stuck in a place I don't like but having a hard time working my way out. As goes with life, some sad news has hit some friends and I hurt for many others as well. Can't believe we are coming upon six years Reid left us. I still wake up often thinking its' all so unbelivable and having to fight the anger and unhealthy emotions that I can direct in the wrong ways. Please forgive me.
Can't wait to share the hilarious pictures. Hope you all have a week full of sunshine.
love, hope and courage
Carol
Wednesday, April 9, 2008 5:29 PM CDT
Turn off the music above (hit the pause button at the top right on the player square) and see if this player works, there are a few kinks to work out and somehow on this copy, sweet Jordan's picture got left off....we are working on it, but here is the preview. Riley made this presentation 100 erself...we did not see it until it was done. The only error she has fixed is that Alex was diagnosed before her 1st birthday (she accidentally said 2nd in this video) I have been trying to figure out how to get it uploaded on here. The quality is not as good but wanted to share it anyway. Hope you enjoy it as much as we did!
I think as different seasons of our lives come we think, this has to be the busiest times for us!! I think I'm in that season right now although I have thought it before.
We are burning up the road as my mother would say every single day. But all we have is this moment, so as long as we are enjoying what we are doing we keep burning some more. I have met my goal of spending less time on the computer but it sure keeps me out of the loop.
I did have a big birthday last week, thanks to everyone who made it so special. A big thank you to Kristi for the precioius quilt you send with the pictures of ALL my children. It was wonderful and when I get my iphone back (had to be sent off for repair) I hope to take a picture and share it.
Reagan told me she told one of her teachers it was my birthday. I immediately panicked and said "you didnt tell her how old I was did you?" Reagan then pretty much told me off and said, "No, but she wouldn't have cared anyway. Why do you not like birthdays or getting older" I decided Reagan was right, who cares!!! I'm old but again, it's all in how you look at it!!
My sister in law Mindy also made me the absolute most sinful but BEST chocolate cake ever..I promise to show pictures next update...you have got to see this cake!!! Wow!!!
Riley has started work on this years Bowling Green Alex Lemonade Stand day. She has some exciting news to share about it and all that is being planned for this year, but I will let her tell more later. The date is July 12th. All of you in town, please save the date.
I had let the other blog go, but I wanted to share a short presentation Riley did for her trip to Washington that she won for her role in the lemonade stands. The only way I could get it uploaded was on the blog and the quality is not as good but I wanted to show it off for her. Please check it out at
Click here then click on blog
http://web.mac/com/predfan and then click under blog!
Spring has been teasing us just a little...hope it comes on out. Much more to share soon!
Carol
Monday, March 31, 2008 12:44 AM CDT
We are back!! We had fun, wish it had been a little warmer, but sunshine and the beach was very nice. It was Reese’s first time to the beach, and I don’t think I had been in about 6 years!!
Here are a few pictures from the trip, we are back to school and work around here. Hopefully, the rest of the school year will fly by. We had a very long break (Thursday-Sunday the next week). We also had a great time in Frankfort where Riley (and Reagan) got to page for Senator Guthrie and we got to visit the House with Rep. Decaesre. Everyone was so nice to us and special thanks to our friend Laura who works at the capital that got the idea going. It was nice to do a little educational trip. I did not know that Kentucky has 100 representatives and 38 Senators..you are never too old to learn!
Monday, March 24, 2008 6:39 AM CDT
Happy Belated Easter to everyone! We sort of made a last minute decision to get away for spring break. It probably wont be any warmer where we are going (Panama) but at least will have an ocean view. Riley had already gone with a friend and needed to come back a day earlier for a track meet, so we (the little girls and I) decided to go get her and while we were there I got a friend to come along to and decided to stay a few days!
It will be Reese's first time to see the beach!
Hope those of you on spring break have a great week and good health and happiness for everyone else!
We need to get on the road!!
much love
Carol
Saturday, March 8, 2008 2:12 PM CST
Reagan and her academic team. Snaps for them for winning overall in the district!
We were blessed with less than 24 hours of a beautiful snow. It went about as fast as it came. I’m not complaining because we did enjoy it, but would have preferred being completely snowed in for about 5 days!!
We had our first snow right before spring break, imagine that! I guess I’m ready for spring and the longer daylight. I think everybody is ready for spring and less flu bugs and throat infections.
As I’ve mentioned often, Riley and her friends listen to the craziest music. I try to watch it and be on top of it but I must confess that usually I can not understand a word they are saying. I’ve pretty much learned to assume that most every song contains explicit lyrics weather you can understand them or not, so we are working on this issue in our home and how to decipher and discern what to listen to. I was always one that tended to like rap music myself, so there are often songs I find myself liking the beat to with no idea what they are really saying. One that I can understand for the most part is the one about “That which doesn’t kill me can only make me stronger” I;m not sure who originally said this. When I googled it, I actually found it credited to at least 2 different people. I do know that it was not Kayne West with the original quote. My first reaction to that quote perhaps is it’s so true. But maybe being strong is overrated. At least that is how I feel at the moment. Sometimes it feels so good to vent my feelings in writing and I haven’t done that in a while. Partly, because I’m afraid of how they will be interpreted. Sure, often the things I feel are unfounded, untrue..but they are still the way I feel. I know many of you often feel the same. You know something really isn’t true but you can’t help but feel that way. I think that has been my theme lately. And then there are those that want to continually point out all I have to be grateful for during the times I’m feeling really down. I’m aware that I have been through some very difficult times. I’ve been through some very wonderful times and continue to have great moments. But nothing takes away the memories of those dark days. I now often wonder how on earth we did it all. How I even survived that C-section of Randon’s because I have never wanted to die more than I did when that unknown doctor peeked his head around to us and told us that Ranodon indeed had the same disease “as our other son”while my arms were strapped to a table, my stomach wide open to all the people in the room and the silence coming from what should have been my baby’s crys. It was nothing short of a horror story. I just wanted to be left alone to die. Are you surprised that that is how I felt.? Friends and family wanting to be around me for support and I wanted everyone to go away so I could die. Does that sound like how a woman of great strength and faith feels? All I know is that I could only do at the moment what I could do to get to the next moment. I think deep in my heart I knew that I was already so in love with someone that I was going to have to watch suffer and slip away from me. I could not endure that again. No way! I was out of control, I couldn’t fix it and make it go away. I had to accept the fact that I was so wrong about something, I believed that this unexpected pregnancy was surely a gift from God, a unplanned blessing. While I still consider him a blessing, the reality that God obviously did not answer my begs and pleas of 9 months for a healthy baby. It is still often too much to consume, to take in or to really grasp. It still feels like yesterday and I’m still here dealing with the shock and disappointment of it all. I continue on trying to make it all right and figure out how to move forward, how to take it in how to let it “make me stronger since indeed it didn’t kill me.” Yet the only constant is that life is full of heartache. It’s the price of love, the price of caring about somebody. There is no escaping it. Maybe you postpone it, but it’s inevitable. You have to learn how to focus on the positive knowing that I will never get over it and I’ll never truly move on. I’m still stuck…I feel like a pregnant woman still waiting for that big day…something’s missing, it never feels right and I never feel complete. So I have those moments often where I just cry and when Dale asks “whats wrong” I just want to say “What do you think?”
Yet, there is no denying how all our lives have been deeply enriched by the circumstances these two babies placed us in. So many friends and experiences we have now are because of them. Their blessings to me continue, even in the midst of such pain.
Spring Break will be here soon. We are out of school next Thursday and then the next week. We are going to take a short trip up to Frankfort. Through the idea of a friend who works at the capital, Riley is going to get to be a “page” for the day for our friend Senator Guthrie and then also get some recognition in the house by other friend Rep. Deceasre (for the Prudential award she received). So, we are going to do more of an educational spring break and are looking forward to just getting away. We appreciate all of them for this opportunity. We are going to Washington for the big recognition the first of May!!!
Well, perhaps the snow (or lack of) is behind us and I can officially say “Happy Spring!!
Definitely, happy Easter, but hopefully, I’ll be back on before then.
Love, hope and courage
FINALLY!!!!!!! Real Snow!! 
Friday, February 29, 2008 8:35 AM CST
I've almost let another weak go by without a mind boggling update.
We've had a good week. We did get and almost real snow day yesterday for a few hours, we actually had some snow that you could play and slide in. It didnt last long and my girls slept through most of it, but it was nice for a moment.
Dale is still feeling the effects of his jet lag. He is staying awake all night and exhausted all day. Hopefully, that is on the mend but we've all been a little more grumpy around here trying to adjust to him back and off schedule.
This has probably been our busiest week...soccer is starting for all of them while we are trying to finish up a few other things. I know they are in too much right now but all sounds so good when they want to do it.
Reagan has had fun being on the academic team at school but its required her to stay after 3 days a week. That is all over this week, her basketball was over this week...so next week she will be down to piano, knitting and soccer. oh, she wants to take tennis too. Sounds like we aren't any better off actually. Not too bad except when you have practice, like they did Tuesday when the wind chill is about 24!! Didnt seem to bother her except the snow falling on her glasses and having to take them off and not being able to see!! She is so funny.
Her friend Madeline wrote the sweetest narrative (not sure what you call it) about Reagan entitled "Perfect Pal" that was just so sweet and flattering to Reagan. I will try and share it on here some time if she and Madeline say it's ok, but it was just the sweetest thing I have read in a long time. It made Reagan just glow for all the wonderful things she said about her. Maybe it's because I have a teenager, but I'm just loving my 10 year old and most of her friends. Their is still that innocence and sweetness!! They are so cute.
Riley is a crazy 14 year old girl!! Whew. There is never a dull moment. How many of you have had your home invaded with text messaging? I know, I caved...I said I wouldn't do it nor allow her to have it and I did. I don't understand why they would rather text for an hour with what could have been said on the phone in a couple of minutes. One of her messages just said..."hey!" Can anyone explain this phenomenon to me?
The only thing I can say that is so good about modern technology is that I can pretty much find her or know where she is at all times. If she does not answer her phone or text, I just phone or text one of her friends who can always locate her and tell her she better answer her phone. It's amazing!!
She is busy starting spring soccer too and running track. There is not one single ounce of fat on this girl's body. She even went out and ran on her snow day since track practice was cancelled. She just loves sports and as much as I'd rather her put all that time into the academic team or maybe music lessons...I've had to let it go, it's not her thing. I need to support her and be happy for her. Better yet, I should start running with her (don't think it will happen).
And what can I say about Reese. She is truly crazy too!! She is probably the only 4 year old that knows every word to every rap song that is on the radio right now and is not afraid to sing it out wherever we are. Her preschool teacher informed me she was having a little trouble cutting/using scissors Cutting? Do you know what Reese could do if she mastered the use of scissors. I wanted to say well do these other kids know the song about "Apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur" I mean come on, that is real talent!! I had to pick Riley up early one day for a dr. appointment and Reese and I went in the office to pick her up. Reese pointed to this trophy that was on the counter and without hesitation asked the man standing there, who happened to be the principal, "what is that?" He nicely said, Oh, that is the trophy that your sister and her basketball team got for winning the championship." She then said oh, you mean Molly and Katelyn and ....went on and named every girl on the basketball team. They were all cracking up. It is scary that these bunch of 14 year old girls are her idols, role models right now and she picks up on everything they do and say. ... I mean everything.
We had a great time last weekend with my formerly disowned niece. She had her sweet 16 and is now a licensed driver. My niece's birthday was the 26th and my moms the 27th, so we've had a birthday celebration week!! We got to go to the Melting Pot. The place where you can dip everything dip-able in chocolate...yes, it was as wonderful as it sounds.
We have another busy weekend. Hope you all have a great one! Megan, we havent figured out the game thing. I'm very outnumbered here now so my voice and enthusiasm has almost been drowned out!!
Carol
Thursday, February 21, 2008 4:14 PM CST
Can’t believe another week has come and gone. I think I aged about 10 weeks in this one day. Luckily, my faith in the state trooper was renewed today. I had started wondering if there biggest duty was to hang out here on these back roads and give kind, law abiding citizens tickets for going 40 in a 30 (no, not me….ok, well, maybe they almost got me..like once alright. I do not speed..he said he didn’t see my renewal tag…when I insisted it was on there and made him go back and look, he then made some bogus thing up that I ran a stop sign…what? You don’t believe me either?) Anyway, their worth was renewed today. One really helped me in my time of need.
My husband returned last night from his 2 weeks in China and India. As you can expect, his time was all off and he could not sleep at all last night. He finally got to sleep this morning. Well, I never have to drive Riley’s carpool, but the other two dads were out of town. So, since Dale was home and Reese was still asleep, I decided to be the considerate wife that I am and let him sleep and I could take the kids to school. Let me just advise you that that one morning you take off without your cell phone, coat, make up, hair or teeth brushed..or a few choice other things, it will be the one day you’re going to wish you had.
I left here at 7 am and all was well. Picked up the other two kids and we were having our usual stimulating conversation in the car. Out of no where comes the freezing rain…no problem, I’m a very careful driver. I drop the kids off and that is when I have my first close call. The roads become instantly slick. I’m at a stop light and the car turning on to my road spins out of control and barely stops before hitting me in the side. I continue on in caution and as I turn on Three springs road I come upon my second wreck. I am stuck there for 20 minutes until the road became clear….but much slicker by this time. I proceed on and pass 2 more cars in a ditch. The more I pass, the more scared I became. I would have pulled over and called Dale, but besides the fact that I forgot my phone, Dale has no car as our other one was left at his work while he was gone. Yes, I’m in his big tank of an a SUV but I’m sorry, none of them are any good on ice!!! Ok, I really start getting scared. I have to come to an overpass that is uphill and the car in front of me is not doing well at all. I stay way back and really have no problem…until I get across it and look down to see a wrecked car in the street and oncoming traffic at a standstill. I slow down to a stop and I can not get ANY traction….I’ll I’m doing is sliding and I then realize that it is not a matter of ‘if’ I’m going to wreck but when.. I freeze (meaning just get so scared I can’t do anything) and do not want to try and get around that wrecked car…there is no way I can do it. I know the people behind me weren’t too happy, but the only way I could get any traction was to get to the side of the road..now that I had stopped I could not get any traction and just slid everytime I tried. I got really panicky!Luckily a state trooper was there from the other wreck and I decided I was going to have him call Dale and tell him I couldn’t do it. Now, I know he thought this crazy woman driver!! I told him there was no way I could get around that car. He was like”You are in a 4 wheel drive you are better than everyone out here. He gave me a crash course on not hitting the brakes the gas nor steering…ok,,,how do I get around it if I can’t do those things? I still froze. He grabbed my wheel, put me in the right gear and walked beside the vehicle to get me around the wrecked vehicle!! I did it. Thank you. Still scared to death and visibly shaking while I see everyone I know in the other lane that is at a standstill…I realize I’m just about a mile away from my brother and sister in laws house. I made it to there…as soon as I opened the door to get out, bam! I am on my bu__ !! Let me tell you, it was slick!! To make things even sweeter, I get in her safe house and they don’t have a house phone!! I decided to completely quit my thoughts on getting rid of our house phone. I left the house to go on a ten minute trip to school and it was almost 2 hours later. Luckily, I could get on their computer and email Dale to let him know where I was. I had also seen my brother in law on my route and told him I was going to his house and to call Dale.
What a morning. I’m completely worn out. I am not to proud to admit that I don’t even like to drive in the rain!!! Sadly, I was mostly worried about wrecking Dale’s big tank that he loves so much than I was about my own safety…I know he would have been understanding but that was mostly what had me so worked up!!! Anyway, we are all home and safe now…all soccer and track practices cancelled for today!!
In all seriousness there were many wrecks and it could have been bad. I’m laughing now but I was crying earlier, really crying!! My entire body aches and I don’t know if its from the stress of driving or the fall!!
So, on to better news…SUSAN the pic below should answer your question about Riley’s valentines.
Dale is back and although jet lagged seems to be doing good. Spring soccer is back and everything is just as busy as ever. I love soccer when it’s 24 degrees outside. I don’t plan on doing any driving for awhile luckily most practices have been cancelled this week and we are just going to stay home, drink hot chocolate and have some fun together!!
I’ve also learned from last week, that I can’t share too much on here…this time it was my niece, my own flesh and blood and namesake that ratted me out!!! 
Hope you all have a safe and happy weekend!!1
Thursday, February 14, 2008 11:01 AM CST
(Reagans first knitting creations...we are so proud of her scarf and hat!!)
Happy Valentines Day!!! Hope you all are feeling the love this week! Well, my sweetie is out of town. I promised my dear friend that I would quit mentioning on here when he’s gone because we know the world if full on internet stalkers, but I just couldn’t leave that out today. However, I have so much confidence in our new state of the art security system we just got and my close relationship with our chief of police and county prosecutor (in other words, if they are any crazys out there you do not mess with us!) that I felt ok to say it. I miss him and here I am on the big V-day without him (aahhh) but I’m ok.
Wow, so much has happened I don’t know what to tell you all about first. Nothing big, just little adventures full of life lessons!!
First of all, I guess it’s just that it’s Valentines day but I feel so giddy. Not really like me and it’s a good feeling as lately it has taken literally nothing to move me to tears and incredible sadness has been my theme. However, today feels good. I got my snow day yesterday even though there wasnt enough snow to make a snowball. I know that having an entire day with my girls did wonders for my spirit. Well, I guess it might be a good thing that Dale is away. I got some word from the source last night that Riley might be receiving a dozen roses today from a little somebody. It was very odd, she has had the flu and missed school all week, but last night we had to go shopping for a litttle somethin somethin for this new “friend” in her life. It was totally weird. Have you mothers had to do that?? Is it totally weird or what?????? I don’t know how serious this is, they keep telling me they are just friends but as one of my friends told me “They are NEVER just friends” haha
Anyway, we will see. Again, this is one of those things that I trust you all will not embarrass her about!! You don’t know anything about it, right!!
I know it's Valentine's day, but I almost feel like its Thanksgiving. We've had several little things happen this week that have renewed my faith in people. I'm so thankful for some friends God has placed in my childrens' lives. It often seems that when I'm having extra moments of doubt and disappointments, little things happen that sometimes make me feel as if God is winking at us. Sometimes people come along and into your lives at just the right time. Or sometimes God clearly teaches you a lesson, making something so clear, convicting you of where you'd been wrong or judged to harshly. I got to spend a lot of time with Riley and some of her friends this weekend including a couple of friends from the opposite sex. There was something that happened that I've decided not to share after all because it is hard to be an open book in a small town, but I got to witness my daughter encouraged by her friends and even be amazed at the maturity some of them displayed in their conversations...of course the next minute they were wild indians again, but I got to see that glimpse of their real heart. I'm thankful for that quality time we had.
I always love hearing from you all!! thanks for being a part of our lives!! Riley, who feels so undeserving, did win a national award that is taking us to Washington, DC in May. We are all very excited and honored, but all of us know that Riley's efforts were only successful because of the response from the community and people like you.
love, hope and courage
carol
Tuesday, February 5, 2008 11:56 AM CST
We are still here, just seems not enough time to journal our experiences latety. Not that we haven't been busy with one adventure after another, but perhaps too much happening so fast to capture it all down in writing.
Hopefully I can share some insight soon as this journey of grief never stops. However, I think I'm just at that place right now where life has moved on and I have to move along the best I can with it. It never stops for grief.
The other day Reese and I were watching Little House on the Prairie as we often do in the mornings when we are getting ready, and it was the episode where their baby, Charles Junior, dies. Upon learning the news, the mother looks out the window at all the people running around and she says something like "Why is everybody such in a hurry, what could be that important." Ok, I realize it's drama, but I knew exactly how she felt, what she meant. How could the world and all the trivial things go on when you feel like your world just stopped. I had to put my make up on all over again! Reagan and I have been reading many of the Little House series, amazingly, we have a lot in common with that family (all the male children and grandchildren died as infants) Interesting, I thought.
Life is good and the girls seem really happy. Dale is getting ready for a big trip to China and India (you all do know that I have an awesome security system and two Rockweiler's) We are thrilled that Riley's middle school basketball season will come to an end this week!! Never fear, she's moving on to track and spring soccer. I'm not sure what she has against just doing nothing for awhile, but as longs as she shows interest in something, we pretty much let her follow her lead.
Reagan is just precious. She loves everything. The biggest joy for her right now is knitting. She is taking a class every Friday and while I don't think it comes naturally easy for her, she is just doing great!! She has already made 2 scarves and working on matching hats!!! Cant wait until she can make me some stuff.
She is also playing basketball...Upward. It has been a good experience so far. Last week, I did want to go and beat up this little girl who was guarding her...or should I say pinning her to the floor last week. I had to keep deep breathing and reminding myself, "this is upward league, control yourself" I don't know what the referee had against calling a foul but after she got slapped and crawled on top of about 10 times, she finally got to shoot a foul shot. She is doing great and is so funny because she's probably one of the tallest in the league and so it's fairly easy for her to block some shots..and well, it's just too funny!!! No, I didn't go beat up any little girl, you all know me better than that...but you do know how I get when you mess with my kids!!!
Reese's highlight as been having Pajama day at school..she has been talking about pajama day all year and it finally came today!!!
Speaking of Reese, she has a doctor appointment for her 4 year check up and shots, so I must get going. So much more to share soon, but must keep the road hot in the meantime!
Working hard to keep it simple and hoping everyday that the girls know that life is too short...who they are is so much more important that what they accomplish or how good they are at something. I just want so badly for them to find their value in who they are in God's eyes.
much love, hope and courage
Carol
Wednesday, January 23, 2008 9:03 PM CST
Update 1/26'=
Right after I posted the update below, as you can tell having a fairly feeling sorry for myself day, I heard so more really sad news. I wanted to share this story with you all. Many of you already know about this, but I don't want ANYBODY to miss the opportunity to hear this amazing message.
When we were in the hospital at Vanderbilt with Reid, Dale would stay in the room with Reid and I every night and then get up around 5 am, jump in the tiny nasty shower there (before the new hospital opened) and take off I-65 to work, much like he did with Randon. During his daily communte, he got hooked on the Rick and Bubba show. Two self-professed "country" fat boys who have a hilarious morning radio show. It was the daily humor that he needed at our difficult times. He would tell me about it and we just fell in love with the show. Although it wasn't technically a "christian" show, it was obvious these guys were believers. Very clean, family show. Humor as you probably can tell, is a big thing for Dale.
One morning they had a local friend of Rick and Bubba's, Kevin Derryberry, sing this song on the show that he had written for his newborn son. It was called Tiny fingers,
Tiny toes. Reid wasn't doing so well and the song literally had Dale crying. Dale wanted to write down the guys name and the song and he's scrambling in the car to find something to write with while he's driving. All he could find was a crayon in the floor board (the girls were 8 and 4). He scribbled the song on a scrap piece of something he found in the car with that crayon. A while later, when Dale had to call his sister to tell her of Reid's passing, he could hardly get a word out too overcome with emotion to talk, but he managed to get out the words to her "Get that song" she knew where that piece of paper with the crayon writing was, contacted the Rick and Bubba Show to find out how we could get a copy. She talked to Kevin himself.
They fed exed us the sweetest note and the cd with the song on it. We played it at Reids memorial service.
After Reid died, there was something else going on in my life and I had to drive to Nashville several mormings a week. Once again Rick and Bubba were the humor that got me through the day. However, many days, I just couldnt listen. Their families were a big part of their show and humor...you felt like you knew all their children and their wives. Sometimes it was too painful for me. Nothing was really that funny to me anymore, I lost much of my sense of humor. I remember cleary thinking..."I wonder if they would be so funny, if they had to bury a child".
There is no longer a radio station around here that carries their show and I haven't listened in awhile, but was told of this latest news.
Rick's 2 year old son drown in their swimming pool on Saturday. RIck spoke at the funeral service and their is a downloadabe feed on their website
rickandbubba.com It is an amazing message of a father's heart. I knew Rick loved the Lord but I guess I had no idea he felt as strongly as he did. I don't think there is anything 'new' in his message, but really anamazing response to a tragedy and a huge encouragement to me and some others I have shared it with. Almost, unbelievable how quickly he responded to his call.
It has been on the website all week...3 parts that I think total about 25 minutes. I tried to save it to my computer,so I may still have it in case it's off the website. I guarantee it will bless you more than you can imagine so please take the time to watch.
www.rickandbubba.com
We had a big time for birthdays. The week was pretty hectic but we managed to have some celebrations nonetheless. Since I don’t do big parties every year, Reese got to have a compromise. We did something at her preschool where most of her friends are and then she got to have some church and neighbor friends over for a princess playdate on Monday. It was really cute. We are all still getting over the big food fight party Riley had in September, so we had cupcakes after her basketball game (that was on her birthday) for her and went to her favorite restaurant, Shogun for our family celebration. Above you will see the birthday girls doing the chicken dance as required when you celebrate a birthday there.
You can see more of our birthday celebration at our web gallery: ( I don't think hyperlinking is working so our web gallery address is
http://gallery.mac.com/predsfan/100053
(may try and copy and paste or type in your browser exactly as above)
try this link or on the photo page of
http://web.mac.com/predsfan
Goodness, I’m not sure about doing 2 blogs or web pages. There are things I like and dislike about each so I’m trying to decide how I want to proceed. It also seems that there are some that cannot open the mac page, which I really can’t understand why. However, this page does belong to the boys. I think my favorite thing has been how it is a place where I can talk about them, these very real boys of mine. Here, no one acts awkward around me, therefore, I’m not awkward around them. There is no fear of mentioning their names and talk about our journey of grief. No matter how hard I’m trying, it seems it never gets easier. Not only the grief but the worry, the feeling that there is something terribly inheritantly wrong with me and that I’ve passed it on. It’s a heavy weight on my shoulders. As much as I want to be so normal, I feel more isolated and confused everyday.
2008 has not started like I would have wished. So many unanswered questions and disappointments. Not only for me, for people I care about. I recently invested my heart in someone I’ve never met nor seen but had the privilege to pray for. A young mother of two young children bravely fighting a battle of cancer. Once again, I nor many of those who knew and love her, did not see their miracle. She left her 8 year old and the 5 year old she prayed to see start Kindergarten this fall behind. I turn on the news and have to watch pop divas who’ve been blessed with so much and seem to not love their children enough to straighten out their lives for them or hear the stories of a father throwing his 4 children off a bridge. Yet, I wanted so badly to be the mother of 2 children that I never got the honor to watch grow up. Life’s not fair. So many examples that we do not get what we deserve in life. While I’m aware that that is often a good thing, I realize the demise of so many who seem to think that their goodness determines their blessings. Perhaps I’m too negative right now, but I don’t buy that one for a minute.
Riley is studying the holocaust right now. She wants to tell me about some of the things she’s learning or some of the videos they’ve watched about it and the stories including a young boy watch his entire family die. I don’t want to come across as disinterested to her, but I cannot stand to even think about it. I cannot imagine what so many had to endure. Horrible. Senseless. Yet we think people are so much worse today than they use to be. There has always been horror in this life. It is so hard to understand. It could drive me crazy…which right now would be a very short trip. All I can do is continue to take it one day at a time. I would be much less than honest if I didn’t admit that all that I’ve seen and endured has often cause me to question my faith, question the entire existence of a loving God. Yet all I know and what I cling to is that there is this God shaped hole in my heart, a true desire to worship, I’m convicted that we were made to worship…in all my doubt and disbelief that hole has never left me. That doesn’t mean I’m not really struggling right now, that has to be obvious. The storms continue to come but I’m still holding on to the rock.
This continues to be my journal of grief. My grief isn’t always good…what does good grief mean anyway????? I don’t always do it right, all I can say is this is my grief, my journey. ..plain and not so simple, this is part of it. I’m amazed there are some who still want to take a little peek at my journey. There is no way in this type of format to share every part of it, so I continue to call it my little glimpse of grief on the web.
We have happy times everyday. I’m the best when I ‘m home with my family doing our thing. Robin has nicknamed me “homeslice” because that seems to be the only place I want to be. There is no place like home!
Wishing you all a better week,
Carol
Wednesday, January 9, 2008 7:22 AM CST
Tuesday, January 15...I realized that I forgot to mention that my OLDER sister Charlotte had the anniversary of her 30th birthday today (15th) so it really is birthday crazy for us. Happy Birthday Cokey!
It's birthday week around here, Dale had to go to Alabama for the entire week, Riley has 3 basketball games, Reagan has an academic meet, piano lessons, and practice everyday after school..and well, it's just a little hectic here. Somehow today, I have to pick Reagan up at school from her practice at 4:30, have Riley to her game which starts at 5 there at 4:30, get Reagan to piano at 5, get Reagan to basketball practice at 6:30 and somehow be at Riley's game. Just an example of why I feel like pulling my hair out sometimes and how there really aren't enough hours in the day!! I know what my mom and perhaps some of you are thinking...why are they doing all that stuff!!! Sometimes I don't think that it's necessarily that they are doing so much, but that it all seems to fall on the same day and time!!!! Can you relate?
It is a tough week for Dale to be gone, but we are big girls who enjoy our time together and they get the bonus of all of us piling in my bed and giggling to sleep each night. Well, not exactly (shh) Reese hasn't been yet invited to our daddy's gone let's sleep with mom slumber party. Just don't think she's ready yet!
I know I usually do a slide show on anyone's birthday, but not sure I can get it together.
More update coming, in the meantime I copied my update from the blog for those of you who cant seem to get on it.
My pictures are somewhat limited now as I only have a few downloaded to the new computer, thus, why I have so many pictures of Christmas! I hope to replace the above picture, even though I like really like it, of one with both Riley and Reese.
This week we get to celebrate the births of both Riley, on the 17th, and Reese on the 18th. Being able to celebrate a birth is something I definitely do not take for granted. Because the memories of my childrens’ births can often be so painful for me on a variety of levels, I try and truly celebrate the miracles of the past 14, and 4 years respectively. I honestly can’t think of a worse month to have a birthday than January. It’s freezing, it’s right after Christmas and just a cold time!! But how fortunate I am to have these precious lives as part of our family and to have this week to celebrate!
I know I often mention how proud I am of Riley. She is an incredible kid. I pray she continues to keep her priorities in line and realize that no matter her accomplishments, she is loved simply because of who she is. Riley and Reese often encompass all that is good and pure to me. An innocent perception of life, a smile to my face on dark day, and a reminder of all we have to live for. The joy they have given me is irreplaceable, They never realize how they motivate me to be a better person and how they handle life’s disappointments and difficulties with much more grace and trust than I do. I learn so much from them everyday.
I know many of you can’t load the song that is on the player on this page. But, the name of the song is “How can I keep from singing..” by Chris Tomlin. I admit that my heart is full of hurt, disappointment and just pain. No matter how hard I try, it’s there, constantly. Yet, in all the hurt and in all the excrutiating pain, I can’t keep from singing. I have to look no further than my precious children . I can’t even type this and think about my love for these girls without tears just streaming down my face. They aren’t perfect, they aren’t the best soccer or basketball players or even the smartest in their class,..they are SO much more than that. They are beautiful souls who seek to learn, to do the right things, and to please. More than that, they are just precious gifts. So, I think I will end this by sharing the lyrics to these great song. If you can’t play it, I hope you can hear it sometime:
There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring
And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling
How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing
I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives
And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give
I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne
Happy Birthday Riley and Reese
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Does anybody love this picture as much as I do.??? What I really want to do is blow it up as big as I can get it and hang it over our fireplace. However, it was taken by my cell phone so the quality is not that great. I just love the expression, the “laugh often never take life too seriously” message it sends. Reagan took this of Reese as we were driving (Gail I think that is your fence in the background).
I use this picture to try and help me keep things in perspective. During the hecticness and the seriousness of life, my kids never cease to fail me in making me laugh. They are always the funniest and the cutest when they aren’t trying. Reagan is going to be the professional “camera” person I think. She always steals my phone and takes many, many pictures. I start scrolling through my pictures and it’s full of all her friends and people I don’t even know. She got a video camera for Christmas. It’s the perfect gift for her. I have failed miserably in capturing our life in video but I know feel confident that Rea Rea is up for the task and her personal commentary is pretty hilarious to go along with it. When I figure out iMovie, I hope to share some of her masterpieces some time.
Dale is out this week so it’s just been the girls getting everything done. I will give him credit for getting all the outside lights and decorations down and neatly stored away. I still take credit for all the inside. It is all down but some of it is still piled up in my den. That is what I hope to accomplish the today.
Thanks to all who checked out the new website. If you could, let me know if the music works on the blog page (you have to click the play button and it’s just one song, but not sure if it works on other computers). I know someday I’m going to be so glad I have our life journaled to capture whats missed in pictures and video. Wouldn’t it have been neat if our parents had all this stuff when we were little? It’s hard to even remember how we functioned without cell phones.
How’s your new years resolutions going? I’m trying to have monthly themes. Reese picked this months. Evidently she’s been learning about “patience” at school. Its her new buzz word. Everything is mom, am I being patient, or “Mom, that boy over there is not being patient…or Mom, it’s hard to be patient. Even when it doesnt even fit, she'll say everything goes back that she is 'patient." It’s like she wants to see how many times a day she can use that word. I’ve decided it must be my sign…so I adopted it as our theme. Patience with each other, with those who push our buttons, and with a fast paced life..what a challenge. I’m failing, but still striving to really teach Reese what Patience means.
http://web.mac.com/predsfan
Much love, hope and courage to all of you
Carol
Friday, January 4, 2008 9:06 AM CST
Happy 2008!! It’s been so long since I’ve written of our adventures, I don’t even know where to start.
I hope you all had a great Christmas celebration. We had a very busy December and in the midst of it, my computer crashed yet again!!! Just one day shut down and wouldn’t come back on. This was the dell that the girls got for Christmas just 2 years ago. So frustrating. Thanks to my new iphone, I was able to continue getting all my emails but for me, typing on that phone for any length of time is still difficult, so you will find that I’m not as good as responding because it takes too long. It has helped solve one of my new years resolutions…..not being on the computer too much!! Christmas came and Santa solved our computer problems again. We are now officially a completely mac family. I really love it, but still trying to learn everything. I need the mac for dummies book!! ( I once again lost some things on the computer including the before pictures of my kitchen and my Chrsitmas card list!) I know I have the pics somewhere on a disk but who knows when I’ll locate them again).
I did want to try something and to share it..I’m just playing around with it right now and trying to decide which I like better. If, and only if, you are interested, you can check out in complete detail our pictures from Christmas and more info on the new webpage I’ve created on this new computer. http://web.mac.com/predsfan
I think that will get you there, but I’m not sure…especially for windows application. But if you have some time to check it out, let me know what you think. I’ll try to see if the link works and if not, I will figure out how to correct soon. It was really just me figuring out what all you can do with this mac and how the programs work together. It was also the easiest way to put all our Christmas pictures on. There are also more pictures of Reese's adventure. Reese was a flower girl on December 15 for our friends Andy and Keila’s wedding. Huge improvement over Georgeanna’s wedding she was in last year. She actually did a great job! It was interesting that we had the rehearsal on the 14th, Reid’s birthday (and my nieces 18th) , and guess what one of the ring bearers name was..Reed. It was ironic I think to hear that name so much on that day. Everytime someone would yell out his name it sent sort of a sinking feeling in my heart. Hard to describe.
I recently listed all the reasons December is so difficult for me: Reid’s birthday, memories of the Christmas we spent at Vandy, thinking of others with very sick children in a hospital at Christmas time wondering if it will be their last Christmas with their loved one, finding out I was pregnant with Randon on Christmas day 2005, and just the sadness that several our missing from our celebrations who we so desprately want here. Yet at the same time, December allows us so much more family time and reasons to celebrate and give back as Christians. It’s the best and worse time all in one.
We got in a lot of the things we wanted to do, and missed out on some others. The Friday after Christmas, Dale’s dad experienced chest pains and went in to the hospital. He had surgery for a stint placement on New Years Eve. Most of you know that he is a single man as Dale’s mom passed away almost 4 years ago. Dale and his sister and aunt and uncle have been helping out with him which has been great. However, that has left me alone with a big task around here….Remember my stories of Clark Griswold and all his decorating, including 7 indoor trees that have to be taken down and all the outside!!! Slowly but surely this girl who got away with doing nothing to put it up is making progress on getting it all down by herself. The girls have not been as enthusiastic either about helping get it down as they were getting it up!
Dale’s dad is back home and doing very well but will have to take it easy for awhile. On top of a full time job, he has 2 farms that have hay and cows that need feeding, so we will all have to kick in a little extra for awhile. Riley has been saying she wants to move to a farm. So I’m thinking maybe if she goes out with Dale this weekend she might get her feel!!!
I wish all of us a great 2008. As I always say, I’m never one to make strict new years resolutions or to even remember them after a time but there is always the hope of having a better year and being a better person!!
Theres always more to share, but I guess I need to save some for nex time!
Happy New Year!
Carol and family
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