History

Tuesday, August 9, 2005 6:10 AM CDT

My family and I are back from vacation. It was a delightful time together as we spent in the national forest of CO. We spent our time relaxing, and spending time together as a family. It went well for the most part. I know how difficult it is for us to get together like this because it is a new experience without Becca here to go with us.

Jamie is away this week as she is one of the councelors for the Challenge Girls' camp. She is always so giving to others, and I hope that she gains so much more on a spiritual level. I think this is the doctor in her that she is able to care for others though her life has been turned upside down.

Janna is preparing for her upcoming competetion in the Miss Jr Teen pagent on August 21st. She has been selected to compete for the Denver title, and if she wins, she will go on to Orlando, FL to compete for the national city title, and will represent Denver.

Byron has found his muscles, and flexes them often as he is going to jr high this school year. He still has his eye on a special girl friend at school, and the girls kept in touch this summer. He had his first summer job with one of our neighbors and very proud of the money he earned. There was enough for a special necklous for his special friend.

School is starting soon for the children and I. The summer seems to have flown by, and I have enjoyed the children home, and the time we have spent together. My girls are growing up so quickly, and I am embracing each day, and savoring every memory that I make with them.

I am looking forward to the fall, and the falling leaves. It does remind me of last year when I felt so sad as my precious angel just went to heaven. This year, it is a reminder of saying goodbye to Becca as I watched the leaves fall, but it is also the turning of a new leaf in the life and times of the Lockler family. I have come to know this as painful as it is. I know that time is forcing me to turn a new leaf. I will take Becca with me in my heart, and forever in my soul until I see her again.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005 7:23 AM CDT

Summer is going by so quickly, and before you know it, it will be fall. We are getting ready to go to CA on vacation before we all have to go back to school.

We have some exciting news as my daughter, Janna has been accepted in a slot in the Denver pagent. She will be competeing next month, and we are very proud of her. If she wins this pagent, she has an opportunity to compete at the national level in Orlando, FL. Go janna! She is very interested in modeling, so maybe a door will open for her while she is having fun, meanwhile NB-Angels group will be one of Janna's sponcor's, so that our name gets out there. We will be listed in the program, and I am proud that Janna will be representing our group in the pagent.

We are learning, growing, and defineing our family as we learn how to be a family again since Becca passed. The journey has been a life changing experience for each one of us. I know that I will live with the pain of Becca's death to Neuroblastoma for the rest of my life, but I am learning how to live with this pain. Some days are better than others, and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her. It seems so many things remind me of Becca, memories, and flash backs of a time when Becca lived here on this earth. Her smile still lights up a room, all I have to do is look into her eyes, and it takes me there. Becca's love pours into my heart, and sometimes when I sit outside on my swing in my backyard, I can just feel her close to me in the wind, in the music of the wind chimes, she is right there with me.

Thursday, July 14, 2005 1:54 AM CDT

I am leaving for Chicago today around 11:30 AM, and will arive at 2:45 PM. Anyone interested in meeting me at the airport, please call me on my cell #.

I am excited about seeing old friends, and meeting new ones whom I have not met yet. It has been a great year for NB-Angels group. I am also excited about seeing Darci Sims who will be speaking to our group on Friday.

The summer is going fast, and I am enjoying it with my children. I have slowed down the pace of my life, and getting ready for school in the coming fall. I hope that the workshop I have planned for all of you angel parents, friends and family helps you find your way in where you are in your life in your grieving process. May we all find peace and joy this weekend as we come together to share, to educate ourselves in coping with our grief, and creating new bonds, and making new memories with friends with one another as we learn to live our lives with our angels by our side.

I could not help but think of Miss Becca getting ready to fly. She loved to fly back and forth to NY, and I think of her as I get my things packed and ready to go tomorrow. See you and talk to you friends in Denver by Sunday. I fly back home for my 43rd birthday.

Theresa

Monday, July 4, 2005 8:12 PM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BYRON! We are thinking of our sweet, angel, Becca in heaven. May she join us this evening for a celebration of her big brother's 12th birthday with fireworks, food and fun at Uncle Tom & Aunt Mary's house.

We miss you Becca!!

Love,
mommy,
daddy,
Jamie,
Janna,
Byron,
Buddy,
DJ,
Ziggy,
Boots

Sunday, July 3, 2005 6:31 AM CDT

Tomorrow is Byron's 12th birthday. Happy 4th of July to everyone!

Sunday, June 26, 2005 5:40 AM CDT

Summer time is here! It is such a different summer from last year when we were loosing Rebecca to Neuroblastoma. It seems impossible that a year has come and gone. I feel like it all happened just yesterday, and where have I been all of this time as the pain of it all just hit me for the very first time. I know that there have been some periods of intense pain of missing my little girl, but I have managed to push it all away from me. I stayed very busy with school, work, working on projects, family and children, and volunteer work. Holidays and birthdays, and anniversaries of particular moments of Becca's life passed me by. I now ask myself, now what? I have the intellect of the knowing Becca is gone, but the shock of it all kept me on auto pilot for a long time when I did't even know it. Glimpses of the reality creeped in a few months before her one year mark that Becca is gone and is never coming back. It scared me as I would walk into her bedroom still in tact, and felt a very different feeling. It felt so very empty, and the whole house felt very empty like it never had before. Becca's shoes still out beside everyone elses, her book bag still hanging, and pictures of her all over the house still gave me the feeling that part of her was still here, and then it hit me hard that these are just things, and my angel is no where to be found.

I understand today that I am transitioning into a new phase of my grief. When I look deep into her eyes of any picture is when I am reminded that time was then, and this is now. Her smile is captivating in every single picture that I have of her. Each picture holds a special memory of a special time in the life of Rebecca and our family. The hardest part for me is not to have anything of Becca in the present. We had our first family picture taken not long ago for our church directory. Byron is holding a picture of Becca, so that she too is included in the picture. What a big difference it is in our lives that we are now a family of five. We are learning how to be a family again as we are not the same family that we once were. I have started some one on one counceling since our support group breaks for the summer, I decided that our family did not need a break, but needs more support for now.

Thursday, June 16, 2005 0:28 AM CDT

It is 24 hours before it will be one year that my angel gained her wings, and flew to heaven. My world has changed, and I am a new person learning to live a new life. I am like a baby learning how to survive in a world so unfamilure. I don't know how I have survived this past year while I am dead and alive at the same time. Time has past me by, and yet it seems as if it were only yesterday. I will never give up, or rest until I see my angel again. My heart will always bleed with sadness of missing my angel. What keeps me going is our love that will never end or die. I know my Becca is singing in heaven, and dances on the days that my heart is filled with joy and laughter. Life is so precious and it is only a moment that it passes us by. I love you my sweetness, my angel. I love you forever and always, and infinity...something Becca always said to me.

One day, I will learn to fly high like my angel, and I will turn off the auto pilot when life takes me to the next stage of life.

Theresa

Monday, June 6, 2005 3:43 AM CDT

It is almost summer, and I don't think I would remember the time of year right now if it were not for the fact that I am reminded by certain events like the last day of school. I am trying not to think too much these days. I feel numb again, and I am on auto pilot as I sail through this month. Becca has been gone almost a year now. Most hardly mention her name or seem to remember that she was ever on this earth by the silence of her existence by an entire community who once knew and loved her. There are a few who do remember her in such a special ways, though I can count these individuals on one hand. I don't say this to be judgemental, rather to express the loneliness that only a bereaved mother does know.

I am a new human being because of the experience of loosing my child at the age of 9 years old. She was in my life for 10 years counting the 9 months that I carried her inside of my body. I am not the same person that I was before this life changing event in our lives. As a result of being a new person, I am learning to do things all over again in life without my precious angel. What a cruel act of nature that a mother should have to endure such pain and agony for the rest of her life. I see the world so differently now, and have never felt so apart from everything and everyone in life. It doesn't seem that a year has gone by, and other times it is eternity. As I reflect back on this past year, I am not sure where I have been, or how I survived the grief of missing my little girl. I suppose I have pushed most of it away from me, and have stayed extremely busy to avoid feeling anything for the most part. There are times when it just hits me as I am driving without any warning. I sometimes loose my breath as I sometimes am awaken by the horror of feeling the impact of her death. It can make you feel crazy as to the outside world, they have seen you, but to me sometimes it doesn't feel that I have exhisted more than a few minutes as I checked out mentally when my angel went to heaven. I still wonder how am I going to live the rest of my life now that my Becca is gone. I can't wait until I can be with her.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005 6:56 PM CDT

I am recovering after several days of dealing with abdominal pain. Test results indicate that I have blood in my urine. CT scan revealed a hernia, so this may be stemming from a hernia or I may have an ulcer. Either way, I am following up with my regular doctor. Needless to say, so many of you have been worried about me this past year in how busy I have been staying. I know I have been trying to avoid dealing with feeling sad, and all of the grief that surrounds me. I have decided to take the summer off from school, so that I will be ready back in the fall. Besides, I don't want to risk messing my my 3.0 GPA. There is plenty of time, but my family needs me, and I need them. I want to have fun with them this summer since I only have a few more before Jamie will be out of high shool. Byron starts junior high next year, and the girls are already calling and finding him quite the gentleman. Jamie and Janna are in high school, and have become quite the young ladies at their school.

James is working hard as usal and recently promoted as manager over all of the drivers. I am proud of him, and we are staying close these days. We plan to have more riding dates since he got his motorcycle.

I really have been having a hard time since May 17th as it is only 17 days away that my angel went to heaven. We have decided to keep things quiet, and only spend the time with the children on June 17th. Like James said, Becca was a private person as out going as she was, she loved her private time. We shall do this on that day. Maybe we will go to Eliges or do something fun in her memory. I miss her more than I can put into words. Living with this day in and day out is hell. My sweet husband said to me today, I miss the way we used to be. I asked him when. James said that he misses the time when we first got together when we were so care free, and we did what we wanted, when we wanted to do it, and that we were so happy. I have almost forgotten that time that such happiness ever existed. I did catch a glimpse of that memory of that special, magical time together about 18 years ago. We were madly in love, and those days I pray will come back for my sweet husband and I. How I love him so, and the beautiful little girl that we made together. I pray that happiness returns once we are all united in heaven together. I wish I could go to heaven now, I can hardly wait till God tells me it is my turn.

love,
Theresa

Monday, May 30, 2005 9:11 PM CDT

Our family is doing well as we approach Becca's one year mark. Jamie, Janna, and Byron will soon be out of school, and we are starting to plan our summer plans. I have decided to give myself a break from school, so that I can spend it with the children.

Life is good, and we will live it just the way Becca would want. We are painting in our dining room and living room this weekend. Change is good, and we need to do something that signifies a nice change to our home. What better time than now.

Monday, May 30, 2005 9:11 PM CDT

Tuesday, May 24, 2005 7:04 PM CDT

I have been doing well considering what I am facing in the next three weeks with Becca's one year anniversary. I have set the date and time with the man that is doing the dove release for us on June 17 at 12:40, the moment passed away to heaven. We are releasing 12 doves to the song, New Day. This is a song that Becca really liked and it reminds me of both Becca and our baby boy that we lost on Feb 20th, just three days after Becca's 5th birthday.

I have been out of school for the past three weeks, and I am going back on June 6th, and taking 11 credit hours since I just learned that I have to take a pych class as one of the required classes to get on the nursing school list. I pulled off a 3.0 for the spring semester, and my over all average for last year is 2.6 since I had a 2.0 in the fall semester. I don't mind the pressure that school is presenting me as well as the challenge since I have lived my life under worse conditions in the past six years. I am taking biology, math, and pychology this summer. Then anatomy and physiology in the fall. I plan not to take any other major class with the A & P class but an elective. So, there you have it if you have not heard from me in a while this is why. School and my nb-angels group keeps me very busy. This does not mention my other things that I am involved with. Just passed my blue belt testing in Tae-kwon-DO, what a feeling it is to move upward now in the ranks of my martial arts group. I feel that I am truly a blessed woman.

Sending you all my love,
Theresa

Wednesday, May 18, 2005 4:02 AM CDT

I am having a rough time right now as Becca's 11 month anniversary was yesterday. I am dreading June 17th, and feel intense pain and an out cast in life right now. I am really trying to be present in life, but as I look back these past 11 months, I know most of the time I am on auto pilot. I don't want to miss one bit of life, especially where my other children are concerned. It seems that as I have begun to unthaw from the shock, denial, and pain of loosing my little girl, I am faced with life with a different pair of glasses. What has happened to us, and what does the future hold? I miss my father whom I have only spoken to one time since Becca died, my sister I hardly hear from, and others on both sides of the family we miss and care for so dearly. We are trying the best we can to survive. We are giving all that we can, and please know that we don't want anything to come between us even the death of our family member.

with much love and tears,

Theresa

Saturday, May 14, 2005 11:21 AM CDT

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Rebecca with Lionel Richie

Frontier Plays a Melody of Good Work.

Frontier Airlines and Concerts For Kids Team up to benefit Denver kids.

Frontier Airlines is proud to be sponsor of Concerts for Kids, a non profit organization designed to raise resources for childrens charities in Colorado.

Through this special arrangement, concert promotors agree to donate a percentage of ticket proceeds from specific concerts throughout the year to Concerts for Kids. In addition, Concerts for Kids holds a spectacular summer concert featuring top musical performers. This summer�s concert will be held at the Universal Lending Pavilion on June 11 and features legendary performers Lionel Richie and Chris Isaak. The evening always includes great food, a fabulous silent auction and an extraordinary Mercedes giveaway.

�Concerts for Kids plays a critical role in helping to raise thousands of dollars to help improve the quality of life for children in the Denver area�, says Jeff Potter, Frontier Airlines president and chief executive officer. �Fans of great music also will be happy to know that the price of their ticket is going to great childrens charities�.

Of the funds raised, 100 percent of the proceeds go to Denver�s children�s hospital and Make-a-wish � two of Frontiers charity partners. In addition, Concerts for Kids contributes to the Denver Public School Foundation and to a grant program which children�s organizations may apply.

For more information on Concerts for Kids www.concertsforkids.org

Wednesday, May 11, 2005 5:58 AM CDT

Dear family and friends:

I am sorry that it has been a few days since I have updated my journal entry. I was in the grief pit for a few days with Mother's Day, and facing Becca's one year anniversary next month. In six days, it will be 11 months since Becca went to heaven. I had a very rough day on Monday as Mother's Day passed with not much emotion. It was a nice day on Sunday as we kept everything on a low key to keep things peaceful. I had my other children over like last year. Lena, Ida and Fredrick, and they are teenagers the same age as Jamie, and Janna. Byron was out numbered by four sisters and a brother. Their mother passed away several years ago, and I have been blessed to have them call me mom, and to be in my life. I love them with all my being. They shared last year with us as well. Becca latched on to Lena and Ida especially near the end of her life. We had a nice Sunday dinner with hamburgers and potatoe salad, and a cake that Jamie made for me. I received the most beautiful roses from all of them, and a jewelery box that I placed an insert of a picture of all of us on Mother's Day. Oh, I cannnot forget to include Anthony, one of Byron's good friends from school, and like a second son to me come and spend the night over the weekend. His mother also passed away several years ago, so it was truly special to have my children be near me. I have survived being in the grief pit once again as I have been to my bereavement group, and go again this evening with my girls. It does help so much to be able to go and talk about what is going on. Monday is the first time since Becca passed that I felt such an emptiness in my home. I went into a panic attack as I felt her really gone for the first time. It is so strange how one can have a knowing, but not attatch the emotions and feelings with that knowing. It seemed like she has been here all the time in my mind, and then it hit me. I thought I was crazy, and I broke down with a realization about Becca's passing that I had not come to. I have stayed busy, and I have maintained a positive attitude, and have tried to keep Becca present in my daily life. But looking at her pictures of her and I together made me think back in time, a time that no longer exists between me and my little girl. I realized at 10 months of her death, that she is really gone, and she isn't coming back. I knew it all along, but I did not connect with it at this level. I have been existing all this time, surviving by blocking things away from me so that I would not be in pain. It leaks out, and comes out no matter what. You think you are doing okay, but you are really in a fog state of being. When I came out of the fog for that moment, it was so intense, and I thought I was going to die myself. "Oh, God, please help me." He does help in these grief pit moments, and I am greatful for that with friends and family to be thinking of us every day. "Thank you God for this lovely day, and I ask for another day with my family and I." (A prayer that Becca prayed daily with me) I pray it for her now every day. I am truly a blessed human being with all my character defects and imperfections, I have a full life that is truly blessed. Love to you all, Theresa

Thursday, May 5, 2005 9:45 PM CDT

I mailed out all of the NB-Angels' T-shirts today! Everyone should be receiving their t-shirts by next week. They turned out really nice. I had a good day today even though I have sprained my wrist in Tae-Kwondo. I was blocking a kick, and my wrist bent the wrong way. I am starting to think about making a change with my work schedule to reduce some of the stress. I have to concentrate on my school work, and I don't need the added pressure. That is about all for now. I hope to hear from some of you soon.

Thursday, May 5, 2005 9:45 PM CDT

Thursday, May 5, 2005 6:22 AM CDT

I am staying busy as usual with life. I am on call this weekend at work, so I hope not to have much emotion on Mother's Day. I am feeling the loss and difference of this Mother's Day. I will make it nice for my other children, and enjoy the day with them. What I want most, I cannot have. I hope to get a visit from Becca, so that I know that she is near me on Sunday. I miss my little darling so much. I would give anything to have just a minute with her again.

Happy Mother's Day! to all of you.
Love,
Theresa

Tuesday, May 3, 2005 10:54 PM CDT

Today was a rough day full of emotion as we approach Becca's one year anniversary. I was a wreck most of the day as I was dealing with Byron's school stuff. I spoke with his teacher this morning, and she said that he has regressed the last couple of weeks. He has had a rough year like my girls. The effects of loosing his sister has come out in his school work. It breaks my heart that he is hurting so much, and there is nothing I can do to stop his pain. We continue to do the bereavement support groups to help us cope. This time last year, we were waiting for Becca to die, and we remember all that she went through which has caused a lot of trauma to all of us. No one could have ever prepared us for what we all witnessed, the screaming from pain, the disfiguration of her beautiful face and eyes from the pressure of the tumors. We watched life slowly leave Becca, and it was so cruel. She wanted to live, and she tried to survive for and stay with us for as long as she could. People abandoned her as they were afraid which caused us all so much more pain, she stopped walking, talking, and being able to be like other children. Watching her die was not a pleasent sight for any of us in our family. No wonder my other children have issues. If I do, they must also. How do we live with this the rest of our lives? Like Janna said, "Mom, everyone has gone back to being normal in their lives, they have forgotten that we are still going through it, that something really bad happened to our family." We get by, and have tried to fit back in the community, and life, but we know we are different and always will be. I still question why we didn't do more when Becca had developed a tumor in her leg, but the cancer had not spread yet. All we did was Irinotecan for several months while the cancer slowly progressed. Why didn't we do MIBG or something then, Becca wanted to keep fighting and do more. She was so full of life, and I feel like I let her die by not fighting against the doctor and finding another treatment option for her. She begged me. Why am I second guessing myself now? It's too late. My son would not even speak to Becca's doctor recently. He told me he was angry. That is only natural, and I explained she did everything she could, but I too have had the same thoughts. This pain will never go away, it is a dull, nagging pain that constantly reminds me that I know longer have my little girl, that NB took her life, that my life and the life of my family is forever changed. I am not in a good place as I face the fact that my baby died. I smile, nod, and everyone thinks that everything is okay and we are doing great. No one bothers to even mention Becca's name to me at school, church, etc. A rare occasion do they mention her to us, just like the way they all shyed away from her when she was dying. I see a lot of people now as cowards, fakes, and so out of touch with what the true meaning of life is really about. They can complain about the smallest detail of their lives, and they are clueless to what real pain is all about.

Monday, May 2, 2005 10:58 PM CDT

Today was a productive day with work and school. My family and I are feeling the earling pains of Becca's one year anniversary approaching us. We are planning a special memorial on June 17, 05 at the cemetery. We are going to have doves released at 12:40 at the time she passed away. I have done balloon releases every month at this time to mark each month she has been gone. We also will be having an open house to all who would like to come and share with our family as we will have home movies, picture albums to look through, candle lighting, journal writing to share your special sentiments, thoughts of Becca and our family, food, laughs, tears, and just a time for all of us to come together and remember Rebecca. I think it will be a special day for all that come. School is almost out for my children and I. My schedule is full with gearing up for the CNCF conference in July with NB-Angels group as well, can't wait to see you all again, and share, laugh, cry and go out and have fun like last year. Our group has become a very big part of my life. NB-angels has changed my life is such a special way, and I have formed such a bond with all of you. Life is good in the midst of my pain. I plan to enjoy my summer with my family, but I know that I will miss my angel. It will be a very different summer just like the past 10 months. It is almost the time that my baby went to heaven, and I can't believe how long it has been that I have lived without her being here with me. How I miss her laugh, her funny ways, her telling me how much she loves me, her smile, her sleeping next to me, to watch her dance, hear her sing. I just miss her more than words can express. I have her smiling face pictures all over our home, her bedroom the same as it was, her sneakers still in the foruer next to mine, her coats hung in the hall closet.

Friday, April 29, 2005 7:46 AM CDT

Good Friday morning! We got snow last night here in Aurora. I am freezing after getting used to spring temps, and wearing short sleeve shirts. I am leaving this afternoon, and will be home on Sunday sometime. I am really missing Becca, and can't wait for the sun to come out so that Becca will come back out to play when I see the butterflies flying all around me. I will update again when I get back home, until then sending you all my love.
XOXOX,
Theresa

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 10:46 PM CDT

Today I had a very productive day filled with work, school, and church activities. My girls and I made it to group tonight. I always feel better after going, and there seems to be a difference within our family. We attend two groups. One for my son's age group and one for the girls'. I am leaving Friday afternoon for a much needed get away with some friends. I am working Friday morning, but took the rest of the weekend off. It is up in the mountains with furnished cabins, hot springs near by, and homemade cooked food. I am so ready to go. I usually work seven days a week, and take off about once a month on a weekend. This is my option as I don't work eight hours a day. My clients are flexible with their scheduled times, so that I can go to my classes, etc. I just found out that I have an A in my Math class for the semester. YAHOOOO! I am anxious to learn what my final GPA is for the spring semester. I may have a 3.5 now with the A in Math. I am taking Biology 106 and Algebra over the summer to gear up for Biology 201 A & P class in the fall. I am signing off for now, so I can watch a little news and get to bed.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005 6:16 PM CDT

Today has been a very busy day. I just got home not long ago from a long day of work and taking care of business. I am gearing up for this weekend as I leave to go on a retreat. I am looking forward to getting away and having some fun and relax. Life is good in the midst of my grief. It is one day at a time, and still learning to live my new life with my angel by my side.

Sunday, April 24, 2005 1:50 PM CDT

I thought that I would get an earlier start on my journal entry today as I have lots of homework to do today. I also want to get to bed earlier tonight as I have been going to bed way too late. I like to be in bed my 10:00 PM the latest and I have been going at 11 & 12 PM lately. At any rate, I feel good today. I am home with my family after going to church this morning. We all have homework, so I must go now and set the example for my children. Life is good even though it is a cloudy day here in Denver today. So much for a motorcycle ride today.

Sunday, April 24, 2005 0:20 AM CDT

Six years ago today, our sweet little angel was dx with NB. It also marks the day that she was in the hospital last year fighting for her life again with a bowel impaction. She made it home, and today I thought of my little girl by doing a small fund raiser at Walmart which was her favorite place to go shopping. We displayed her art work, and we enjoyed the beautiful day. I had some tears, and I had some laughs. Most importantly, I made it through this day. We did it Becca!

Friday, April 22, 2005 11:21 PM CDT

I have had a rough evening as today marks the day that Becca went to the ER for her bowel impaction, and I am reliving some of the painful moments associated during that time period. As a matter of fact, at this time 10:20 PM, I was driving her to the hospital after the hospice nurse came and gave her two fleets enemas to help move her bowels. I had tried most of the day with different things, and then the nurse informed me that it was too late, and I had to get Becca to the ER. We spent the entire night in the ER, and they could not sedate her due to the complications of her being on hospice. They told us that she would not be able to be revived if they put her under to unpack her bowels. She was impacted to her high GI track. She was in so much pain, and on her hands and knees in the ER bathroom. I shall never forget the trauma of what occured with my beautiful little girl. She could not sit, lay down or stand at this point. It was very difficult to get an exray as she could not be sit still in one position. She cried and screamed in pain. I cried with her, and begged the ER doctor to not let her die like this. We spent the entire night there, and I found myself there on Friday, April 23rd in the exact same ER room they initially dx her with her cancer. They had to put an NG tube through her nose, and she had to swallow the tube with the coaxing of her mom and dad, and Tae-kwando instructors. I promised her that I would buy daddy a motorcycle, (which I did just 4 weeks ago). Then they started the Go-Lightly laxitive IV, and wanted to omit her in the hospital. She wanted to go home, and I felt an urgency to get her home because her dying wish was to die at home. Mom had to get busy with phone calls after I came out of an 8-10 hour period of being in acute shock from all of the trauma of watching my baby go through what she did, and reliving being in the ER on the same day of dx, five years later. Becca was up on the 5th floor, and they were in the midst of admiting her, and I ran to the oncology clinic of the hospital and talked to her oncologist who wanted Becca to stay. I understood her point of view, but I had to get my baby out of there. I was not going to take a chance of her dying there because we wanted her home. She released Becca, and I ran out of there to the elevator and up to the fifth floor to tell Becca the good news. I remember like it was yesterday that feeling. I felt so good, I felt like I was flying to get to her. I began to hear the Enya song, Only In Time playing in my head as I was running to get to her. It was like a part in a movie scene. I made it up to the fifth floor, and I remember going through those oncology doors five years previously when she was admited to the hospital on April 23, 1999. I found her laying in her bed with my priest sitting in the corner, and I asked her, "Becca, what is it that you want more than anything to do right now?" She answered, "go home", I said, "Becca, your going home." I didn't have a choice in 1999, but I knew that I did this time because my baby was dying. I wanted to take her home just like I did back in 1999. I felt like running with her, but I could not. This was the scariest time that I experienced in the five years of Becca fighting cancer was when I thought she was going to die from the bowel impaction, and feeling like it was my fault, the hospice nurse's fault. I asked the doctor and the nurse taking care of Becca how much time they felt Becca had left. I was told days, and the nurse shed tears as she helped us get Becca to the car. So many was tearful as we wheeled her out of the hospital we thought for the very last time. We got her home, and was greeted by eight friends from church who helped us set things up to get ready for the "brown shower" I often wondered if anyone ever realized outside of our home what hell we all went through during this time and all of these years. I do not think so, and why I felt trapped in a prision with my insides screaming in my own pain and agony of watching life slowly slip away from the most beautiful little girl in the world, my baby, and there was nothing I could do to stop any of it from happening to her. I have hated myself for what happened to her. It was my genes that helped create the imperfections of her cells that caused her cancer. It was I who carried her in my body for 9 months, and I who breast fed her the first year of her life. I loved her so much as I do now. No one hardly even mentions her name any more. I guess everyone thinks that life is back to normal for the Lockler family. The pain does lesson, but Becca will never leave me entirely from my thoughts, my mind, my body, and my soul. She was part of me, and it is she that keeps me breatheing today. It she who gives me the strength to carry on, and live ispite of myself, my pain and sorrow. I dare not weap for long, or show a sign of weakness that others may question me. My heart is so heavy tonight, and I thank God that she did not die that night, and she made it through because she knew I would not have survived as I would have always blammed myself. This is where I am right now, but I know that the sun will come out tomorrow. This is called grief, and this is my world. So many cannot handle it, and that is okay because I know my angel is always near me because our love will never end.

Thursday, April 21, 2005 10:11 PM CDT

Today was a busy day with work, my church fesitval committee plans for our upcoming festival. I am in charge of the advertizeing for the festival, so I am planning a meeting for my group to start plans on what we need to do. I was on a long conference call with someone helping me, and I missed my Compassionate Friends meeting tonight. I am tired as I have not had much time to collect myself before going to bed this evening. I have a busy weekend ahead of me as my good friend, Joan and I are doing a fund raiser on Saturday in memory of Rebecca as it marks the day she was diagnosed with NB six years ago. Next weekend, I am taking time out for me as I go on a retreat with some good friends. Another good day today, just not enough time to accomplish every task.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005 9:16 PM CDT

Today was a cloudy day here in Denver, and my work load kept me busy. I also completed my final day of class in Math. I have only three more weeks of school left, and then will have a short break before the summer semester. I have been sharing this web page with friends and family to come and see what a beautiful job that Colleen did. I will come here often to share my personal notations of the day to keep all close to me updated. NB-Angels group is going well, and have ordered our NB-Angels' T-shirts that we will be able to wear at this years conference in July. This Saturday will mark the anniversary date that Rebecca was dx with NB six years ago. My good friend, Joan and I will be collecting donations for CNCF at Walmart, Becca's favorite place to shop for NB research. Byron and Jamie are practicing a dance he is doing with some of his frineds for the talent show at Byron's school. Life is good!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005 0:56 AM CDT

Yesterday was a good day as I felt better after fighting off a bad cold. I made it to Children's Hospital to make my monthly candy deposit on the Oncology Dept. I ran into Becca's nurse and got a nice big hug. Thinking of Becca today as I see so many butterflies pass me by. I call out her name, "Becca" everytime one comes to visit me. I have classes today, and will be out soon for a couple of weeks until the summer semester begins.

Sunday, April 17, 2005 10:00 PM CDT

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