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Tuesday, September 27, 2005 9:31 PM CDT
Hi everyone,
I'm updating the journal for my sister Margie since I know it's been quite sometime and she is not well enough to do so right now. Margie has been at the hospital since Friday Sept.23. She has found it difficult to breathe, is tired and is in painful discomfort. However, the nurses have been giving her very good care. The docs found that she has blood clots and fluid build up in her lungs (probably due to the chemo)which is why she is having difficulty breathing. They have put her on heparin which is a blood thinner.
Dr. Miller (her oncologist) has switched her chemo (etoposide)to a new drug called Tamoxofen. Etoposide did not seem to work. We're hoping Tamoxofen will do some damage to the cancer cells.
Thank you everyone for keeping my sis in your thoughts and prayers. :) Please continue with the prayers and entries. She enjoys reading them. We know that she is loved and cared for all around the world.
- Kat
Sunday Sept 18 2005
Last night was really nice when my cousin Kris and his gf Joan came over. Joan is so sweet everytime she comes here she massages my feet and hands. I can't say no! Plus it feels so good. I like her a lot too kris:) We watched a few shows of 24's season 1 and will continue those the next time they visit. And had popcorn too!
Last night I wasn't able to sleep well. I had anxiety dreams with my mom in them and a whole bunch of other stuff. Not to mention my back was killing me. Today was nice when a bunch of people from my church came over for the prayer time and then had some lunch, but after that my nightmare came true. My anxiety and stress level shot up as my mom utilizes my sister to help do so. This is not good for my breathing and overall well being. I want to see my 50th birthday.
My mom will never change. She is just like a kid. I feel sad that all my life I've had a motherly 'figure' but no motherly mental or emotional support. I told myself I am no longer going to worry about her anymore beucase I am fighting for my life. I have to be selfish Will's sister Julie is soo right when she said that I have to watch out for myself.
My mother's hygiene and sanitation is poor and this concerns me a lot. I heard that more then 50 f Cancer patients die not because of their cancer, but because of other factors such as pnuemonia or bacterial infection and the list goes on.
Anyways I'm going to head off Erin's here:)
Friday, September 16, 2005
I've lost 20 pounds in the last two months:( Everyone please pray that the internal pain in my stomach gets better. Also pray for my family becasue they need rest, taking care of me is a lot of work. My dad sisters brother mom. My sister kat is sick right now and I want her to get better faster so I won't catch what she has.
Thursday, September 15, 2005 10:56 PM CDT
New photos posted. :) - Kat
Thursday, September 15, 2005 6:21 PM CDT
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers please keep them comming. I know some of you want to visit I'm not up for many visitors so please respect me. You can express your thoughts to me in my guestbook. I don't even answer phone calls unless I really have to speak to a dr or something so it's really useless calling my house too. I have little energy to speak and must channel what I have to gaining strength again and not spreading my strength with too many visitors. But there are the couple of you that know who you are and are most welcome becasue you make me feel so incredibly good around and of course my family you all are welcome anytime too.
I have a little strength to sit at this computer so here I will have a short update. I have been very weak and basically home ridden. I am working on my calorie intake and that is a lot of hard work when you've lost your appetite as well as have a tummy that doesn't really want to intake much. That is my main goal now to try and keep my strength up and continue to get it going up. I still have discomfort in my belly.
Tomorrow I go into see the colon specialist. I will be having another colonoscopy sometimes. Dr.Miller returns monday and I see her then.
Maybe my sister will help me post a few new photo's from the last couple weeks later.
Ryan I have not heard from you in a while and wonder why.
Thursday, September 15, 2005 6:21 PM CDT Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers please keep them comming. I know some of you want to visit I'm not up for many visitors so please respect me. You can express your thoughts to me in my guestbook. I don't even answer phone calls unless I really have to speak to a dr or something so it's really useless calling my house too. I have little energy to speak and must channel what I have to gaining strength again and not spreading my strength with too many visitors. But there are the couple of you that know who you are and are most welcome becasue you make me feel so incredibly good around and of course my family you all are welcome anytime too. Monday, Sept 5, 2005 I absolutly hate being so physically weak. My mind runs like crazy and I see myself running around myself. Rolling around on my rollerblades and getting sweaty at the gym. It's hard to accept that I cannot do these things presently. I am working on regaining my energy by forcing myself to eat. I really want to go snowboarding this winter since last winter I had to miss out too.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005 12:10 AM CDT Not an entire much new with me. I still get tired easily and have stomach irritation. Trying drink more Ensure along side the things I eat so I get enough nutrients in the body. Most people would be happy to loose the wieght, but I am not because it shows that my body is fighting harder then ever. Saturday, August 20, 2005 5:59 PM CDT I've been really very tired, but at the sametime have trouble sleeping at nights. I have a lot of halusonations from taking the morphine, which has made it very difficult to sleep. I still have a constant aching pain in my stomach. When I lay and rest in certain positions I feel better, when I am really tired at night and want to sleep it seems to be when it aggrivates me most. Tuesday, August 16, 2005 11:18 PM CDT had another fluid tap done today was in hospital from 10-5ish. They drained another 4.5 litre's. It really wore me out. I don't know if it's becasue I haven't eaten much lately. I have to remind myself to keep my energy up and eat even if I don't want to. Will be trying to drink some nutritional supplements too. Friday, August 12, 2005 1:27 PM CDT Just got home from staying in the hospital a 5 days. They took many test and have been doing pain management and also drained another 5litres of fluid yesterday. The chemo I just switched over to isn't working, I will be trying a another new one. My doctor informed me their doing the best they can for me, but that also their are no garentee's and that they don't want to put my hopes up. The last three chemo's that I have been on have been not so successful. I believe in miricles and have been constantly praying for one, please ask God to lay his healing hands upon me. He is the only one that can provide those. Things have been very scary. Wednesday, August 3, 2005 9:37 PM CDT I spent the whole day at the hospital today getting a fluid tap done on my belly. They drained about 3.5litres of acities. I am tired. Saturday, July 30, 2005 11:04 PM CDT I don't think I've ever felt worse in my life for so incredibly long. I feel like sh*t. I haven't been able to go anywhere or do anything really becasue my stomach is so bloated. The spots in my chest and abdomen are what I believe is causing all the bloating. I don't know how long this chemo takes to kick in or if it's not working even. I'm taking a tonne of pain killers everyday a couple times a day now that helps somewhat, but not entirly. Monday, July 25, 2005 7:59 PM CDT Sometimes I don't even know what day it is anymore. I've been resting a lot because my tummy hasn't felt all that great. I booked a ticket for Camp in Montana this Saturday, but we'll see come closer to the end of the week if I feel up to going. I hope so. Friday, July 22, 2005 3:33pm Last night I couldn't sleep but that was ok. I was feeling good. I don't have the pains in my stomach anymore. I don't know if it's just my mind or if the chemo is working already. I really hope it's the chemo! I'm at Karin's right now I went to visit my work earlier and that was really nice. My energy is still kind of low, but not terrible! But I feel good!!! I haven't felt this good in over a month!
Thursday, July 21, 2005 7:13 PM CDT I have just been intoxicated with $5000 dollars worth of drugs. I'm crossing my fingers and praying to God this this will work well. Hopefully within the next day or two my bloated stomach will be gone and I will have normal intestinal movements again. And that I will again be as comfortable as I was over a month ago. Tuesday, July 19, 2005 6:28 PM CDT Yesterday was a busy day. I had a great time hanging out with Karin and Christina in West Van yesterday afternoon. The weather is just so beautiful here now. I ate out on the sundeck today. And have just been doing some house cleaning I may go out this evening to sit at the beach or something, we'll see! I don't like going out when it's hot hot outside. So late afternoon/evening is the best time for me. I then went over to my sister's for bible study yesterday evening as well. We are wrapping up for the summer. I didn't leave there till after midnight yesterday. I love it over there, it's nice and relaxing. So tday I didn't get up till almost 1pmish. Thats ok:) Monday, July 18, 2005 2:29 PM CDT If it's not one thing it's another. I've been really up and down with how I'm feeling. First it was something wrong that I ate and I was puking all day. Now it's becuase I'm taking the T3's for pain management I think I'm constipated. I dunno! I had a horrible night last night though with all the pain even after taking pain meds, but this morning am feeling somewhat better. Going to head out with Karin and Christina this afternoon. Cabin fever should be a diagnosis too becuase it really affects your mental health. I try to get out as much as I can when I can! Sunday, July 17, 2005 3:11 AM CDT Today was a good day. The last couple have been not so good. I believe I ate something wrong. I had been puking all day Thursday and yesterday didn't really feel eating anything in horror of more bad episodes. However today went well. I went to the BEACH with Karin, Spanish Banks, too bad I didn't bring my swim suit! Maybe tomorrow. Then we met up with Serena and had some munchies at the Frog and Firkin, it was really nice afternoon/evening. My tummy is now happier and no longer rumbling. Relaxing and enjoyable. Thursday July 14 2005 Today I saw Dr.Miller. She said that the ultrasound didn't show anything new. Still a little fluid. And the tumors in my chest are not large enough to see with ultra or CT scan, but I'm pretty certain this is what's not making me feel so well. We are going to proceed with the new chemo next week, which is called caylex. The Zeloda is no longer affective my counts have gone from 160 back up to 260.
Sunday, July 10, 2005 6:57 PM CDT Today I attended church. I've really miss that part of worship these past couple weeks as I have been a so called 'crips.' I still feel like one. Last night Erin and I hung out and we went to the blockbuster and rented Spanglish. I could believe how many people were at the video store on a Saturday beautiful evening, but I guess there are just as many people out there as the both of us that had nothing much more to do the night. The movie was great. I really love the Spanish culture. It's very much like the Chinese one too, people are loud when they get together, but the value of our own families mean so much in helping each other out. And to see how many of our relatives came to 'America' for better lives. Just like my Grandma Woo Woo Wing, if it weren't for her I'd be a peasant girl in China working in the fields! On the other hand I may not be alive either, I don't know what their medical is like over there for peasant people. Anyways doing some cleasing... Summer clothing cleaning! Thursday, July 7, 2005 I realize how emotional stress plays on your physical body. Being so stressed out Tuesday casued me to be soooo tired yesterday. I slept all day! I need to think about that the next time I might get emotionally bogged down.
Friday, June 17, 2005 I'm going to just quickly update. Physically I don't feel so great, something tells me something isn't right. My stomach feels a little bloated and it's starting to concern me. Bloated feeling has always = something bad.
Sunday, June 5, 2005 4:00 PM CDT I know I have not been so good at keeping so up to date this last while here. Not a whole lot going on I guess, but I have realized that my life is Good even with all my trials and tribulations I've had the last while. I love my God, I love myself, and I love the fact that I have great family and friends. Without these components in my life I would not be the same person I am today.
June, 1,2005 It looks like it will be a GO for school! I was at the Dr Monday and with the new oral chemo my tumor count has dropped from 300 - 280. Any decline is good and as long as it keeps declining or remains stable I am a very happy girl. This chemo is the best one yet I've ever had, on the body wise.
Friday, May 6, 2005 Happy Birthday Karin:)
Wednesday, April 27, 2005 10:18 PM CDT I know it’s been a while since I’ve updated. A lot has happened this past month. Thursday, April 14, 2005 11:35 PM CDT It's been a busy week. Back at chemo again... I love my weeks off, but I don't know if I'm paying the price for them now because of them. My Ca125 has been increasing steadly. From 50 - 60 - 170 - 140 - 210 this last time, in about a two month span. When I was first diagnosed in 2001 with the tumor in the first ovary my CA125 was only over 150, but this past end of the year it reached over 3400. The marker really doesn't matter how high it is, as long as it remains steady and declines that's good news.
Thursday, April 7, 2005 5:30 PM CDT Not up to writing a real entry today. So this will do. I did update with a Zoecast tho! My first attempt that works. There'll be new one's to come eventually.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005 1:04 AM CST My prayer for today and what much of prayers consist of any other day...
Saturday, March 19, 2005 9:43 PM CST Where do I start?
Sunday, March 13, 2005 5:15 PM CST I arrived home last night at 12ish. My trip to Chicago was wonderful with Ryan. Tu esta mi amor Ryan. I love you and miss you lots already. Tuesday, March 8, 2005 11:01 AM CST Just going to do a quick little update here. Things have been going well. Ryan and I have been just checking out the cities different neighbourhoods instead of all the recommened tourist stuff most people do. However we did go to the zoo again Sunday afternoon and it was beautiful out. I really like going to that place. The only downfall was Ryans friend who was in town whom couldn't make up her mind on where to go and last minute when we were already at the zoo did they decide to come here instead of the aquarium where it's much more expensive rather then free. It made me mad because I hate people that waste my time and talk on and on about men. Saturday, February 26, 2005 10:03 AM CST Fecha (Date):Sabado, De febrero el ventiseis, de dos mil cinco
Friday, February 18, 2005 0:26 AM CST The week has gone by pretty fast, but at most it's pretty good too except for that dog mishap/accident. It's been busy. I have been sleeping better these days. Sleeping mostly thoughtout the nights with little disruption except for maybe having to go to pee! Saturday, February 12, 2005 1:27 AM CST I was upset and still somewhat upset.
Monday, February 7, 2005 5:40 PM CST Frustrated that I can't get insurance coverage to cover my cancer. They cover preexhisting conditions, but not one's that are terminal. I don't like to think of my cancer as terminal... chronic is a much better word. I guess if no insurance company will cover my preexhisting condition. I'll try to get an insurance that will cover everything else, but that. If anything really serious happens with the preexhisting condition I guess we'll have to drive to toronto or the closest Canadian City before I get treated for such. Blah, I'm still going to Chicago. Friday, February 4, 2005 11:43 AM CST Trying to get a schedule and keep busy. This week has been so very nice not having to go to the clinic or in for chemo. Went to my first Dine Out even last night for Lennie's Birthday with the family. We ate at this new Belgium restaurant/bar called Chambar. My sister and I saw it on the Foodnetworks Opening Soon and we've been wanting to try it out. It was a soldout restaurant. The service was great and the place is so cute. And the food was awesome! I totally recommend people try it out, even the regular menu prices are very reasonable for a nice dinner like so. I ate an awesome crab,shrimp, avacado salad to start... then a braised lamb with figs and couscous... and for dessert we had belgium waffles with chocolate sauce and homemade ice cream. Yum just thinking about it.
Monday, January 31, 2005 2:54 AM CST I've been stuck at home all week since after my chemo session Tuesday. I cought a cold... Blah. I think it really started kicking in just after chemo probably due to the chemo working on lowering my immune system. Only today am I starting to feel a little better, I still have a stuffy nose and a cough, but my nose isn't as raw as it was the last few days. I went out for the first time in days, which was very nice! Even though it was just to my sisters. Getting out of the house is so important for me these days, be it anywhere for just a little bit.
Monday, January 24, 2005 0:08 AM CST Been somewhat concerned about a blood clot returning. I've been having pain in my upper left calf again as well as a sore lower left back. Same symptoms of when they first discovered the clot. It has been real bother some for the last two nights. I couldn't barely sleep yesterday. And didn't really want to get out of bed this morning. I was probably in bed for a good 14hours last night. It really hurt to change some positions while laying down even. I called the on call doctor yesterday night and he doesn't think that it's the blood clot again becasue I'm still on blood thinners. It maybe from when I had first discovered the clot and maybe damage to the muscle. Furthermore, probably providing less oxgen to those muscles. I had been trying to do some exercise again the last two days. Just walking on my tredmill for 30mins, but at a very low speed. I didn't do any of that today, the pains seem to settle a little, but I can still feel some irritation and pain. I took a couple Advil today to help with that too. Hopefully they'll do another ultrasound on the leg to make sure it's not another blood clot. I'm going to call my Doctor tomorrow and see if I can see her.
Friday, January 21, 2005 3:31 PM CST I tend to have these real strange dreams every so often. I don't know if they mean something or if they are subconscious things.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005 2:45 PM CST Not too much going on these days. I have been trying to do something each day in getting myself out of the house. I had cabin fever. I was in for chemo yesterday. It took almost 2 hours for the infusion. I fell asleep for a bit and when woke, it felt like I had been there forever.
Thursday, January 13, 2005 8:42 AM CST It's early in the morning. I've been having trouble sleeping at nights. I'll sleep a few hours, wake, start tossing and turning and stay in bed ponder all possible thoughts sometimes for a couple hours. Today after over an hour of that non sense in bed I thought I'd wake, update and do a few emails.
Thursday, January 6, 2005 2:10 AM CST Starting to feel better today after a week of agnoizing pain mentally and physically. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on. I'd been having fevers for a week up to 102F. I'd called the clinic New Years Eve and had talked to the doctor on call that night and he relayed a whole bunch of info and given me some options. I'd decided to stay home and take the advice he said. I started taking my pain killers that I had left over from surgury. I had been on those till yesterday. I didn't want to go the the ER because I hate the waiting and the unneccessary test they make you take. They treat as a New Patient there and I know that is there procedure. Everytime I go they tell me they need to take a pee test for pregnancy and I tell them each and everytime there is no way I am going to have a baby for I have no ovaries. The next time I'm going to tell them I just maybe having a baby Jesus or something.
Thursday, December 30, 2004 10:39 PM CST 3 weeks and 2 days post-op.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 4:54 PM CST It's hard to believe that today is one week and one day since post op.
Friday, December 3, 2004 5:58 PM CST I haven't been in surgury for over two years and have sort of left that behind me hoping I'd never have to go in again. However, here I go again. I'm scheduled for surgury Tuesday Dec 7th. I'm scared and nervous and just because I've been in major surgury a few times already doesn't mean it gets any easier because it doesn't!! Tuesday, November 23, 2004 11:17 PM CST Looks like I'll be going in for surgury again.
Wednesday, November 3, 2004 4:52 PM CST The last little while hasn’t been easy. I’ve felt quite tired and sick. The blood clot seems to be getting better with the heparin shots. However, the cancer doesn’t seem to be getting better with the chemo I’m on. The Carboplatinum doesn’t appear to be doing its work anymore. It seems that it’s run its course out. The doctors also say that they see some sort of clump in the bowel area from the CT. There not sure what it is, but that’s why I’m scheduled for a colonoscopy so that they can figure it out. It could be just an infection or it could be a tumor, I have the feeling that it’s a tumor rather then an infection. My tumor markers have been steadily increasing since June/July. There was also a little bit of fluid build up in my last CT. This is why they conclude that the chemo I was receiving isn’t helping anymore. However the tumor marker can also increase because of a variety of reason that including an infection. Wednesday, October 27, 2004 1:50 AM CDT I've been tired lately. Bored too. I finished reading Lance Armstrong's second book 'Every Second Counts' and now working on this one called Fast Food Nation.
Monday, October 18, 2004 2:09 AM CDT Ryan arrived Wednesday night and we've been having a real awesome time together. Since my energy isn't the greatest we haven't done any long outtings. Done a little shopping, driving around, and resting lots. We're hanging out at home with the family. Tuesday, October 12, 2004 7:24 PM CDT I don't take back the things I said yesterday I do hate my mother 'sometimes'. And those things that I hate about her I know I can't change. I have learned over my course of 22 years. It is so frustrating sometimes especially when you don't have that line of support when you really need it. I'd like to think that I've never had a 'real' motherly figure. Yes my mom is my mom, but I've never really looked up to her and I never will. I give her credit and thank hre for having myself and my siblings and for working hard for us when we were young, but she isn't someone I ever will grow up to be. Or have grown up to be.
Wednesday, October 6, 2004 11:19 PM CDT Boy has the last couple of days been stressful and scary. I’m going to quickly type this out while I’m in no pain. Well the pain in my leg is more under control now that I have taken two T3’s! The Advil seems to have worn out its effect. Let’s see how long these last!
Saturday, October 2, 2004 2:15 AM CDT Nothing much new these days. Friday, September 17, 2004 2:19 AM CDT I was just reflecting today on all the changes that I have gone through just in the past nine months. So many changes in what I thought I was going to do or what I am doing, even just the past couple day. Not feeling half as icky as I was the prior days, but still a little under the weather with a sore throat a little bit of a upset tummy. Monday, September 13, 2004 9:26 PM CDT Things just don’t feel like they’ve been getting any easier. This year I think things feel rougher then they ever have been. I ponder the thoughts of what I’m doing often and if they are the right things.
Saturday, September 11, 2004 1:42 AM CDT I have been feeling a lot better that last couple of days then I have been the previous week and so. I haven't had to take those mid-day three hour naps. Trying to get back on somewhat of a schedule again. I feel really warm and flushed right now, but I know thats from the Carboplantinum. It always makes me feel this way and my cheeks turn all pink. Those chemos look like water dripping in my body. Sometimes I still don't believe how toxic they are, but if they make me feel and look this way it just says sometihng. Also when I lost all my hair that just showed me something else.
Sunday, September 5, 2004 9:29 PM CDT I’ve been feeling really crappy the last couple of days. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong. I have been sleeping way too much, but it feels like the only thing that makes me feel better. Something does feel wrong with the stomach I can’t wait to see the doctor this coming Wednesday. It’s never a good sign when my stomach isn’t feeling good. It all started probably a couple days before I finished the antibiotics, right around that time anyways. It’s starting to concern me.
Friday, September 3, 2004 1:59 AM CDT Nothing too new. I've finally finished those antibiotics I was on. I still feel very fatigued these days. It's kind of getting to me. I hate feeling so crippled tired. I'm tired shopping for an hour. I find that I have to be sitting or laying down a lot to get rest.
Friday, August 27, 2004 11:41 PM CDT It's been about 10 days since I got discharged from the hospital and 7 days since Ryan left. I still have bruises from all the needle pokes. And I'm still taking the oral antibiotics and will be for about another week. They leave a horrible taste in my mouth. I've been eating stone wheat thins to try and get rid of the taste, but it still it seems to linger.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004 3:39 PM CDT Things have been interesting here the last while. Ryan arrived two weeks ago and we've been have had a lot of fun just hanging out doing stuff around the city and visting the island. I can't even remember all the things that we have done tho. It's been kind of crazy too... Sunday, August 8, 2004 2:33 AM CDT Thought I'd update it has been a little while. I went to that herbal doctor the other week and didn't understand a word he said. My dad went with me. He prescribe some herbal stuff in which your suppose to boil and drink the icky slur. I haven't started that week of supply that we purchased. He also recommended this other herbal pill. I took it a couple times for two days, but I thought that I probably should bring it into my oncologist to ask about it. I just want to make sure it won't conflict with the chemo's that I am on. I heard that somethings can do that and I don't want to risk it.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004 4:14 PM CDT It's been a real long last two weeks full of ups and downs. I'm starting to feel more like my oldself now since I have been able to really absorb things.
Monday, July 26, 2004 3:18 AM CDT Have been keeping busy here the last couple days. Working, swimming, watching tv and such to keep my mind off things. It does help, but at the sametime there are times in which I can't forget and think about what is going on here. And I get sad. Well maybe not sad, but scared and uncertain, a whole bundle of feelings that I cannot explain. And I guess it's ok to cry too... Thursday, July 22, 2004 3:48 PM CDT Today is another new day. I feel better then I was a few days ago. Having the time to absorb everything in really helps. I still feel like I've been quite lazy tho. I still have a life to live despite what's going on. It's something that is on my top priority to take care of tho. Tuesday, July 20, 2004 12:44 AM CDT Been a tough week. Waking up today I almost feel the same way I did after I got out of surgury, but without the incision wound. The initial shock is not as hard as the absorbing the facts that are actually happening. My carboplatinum treatment this past friday seemed to have really worn me down. I have been feeling kind of nauseated the past couple of days, but that also could be because I haevn't been eating a lot. There's probably acids in my stomach moving around or something. I do know that the carbo treatments are somewhat working becuase I have lost 2kg in fluid. Thats at least what I think anyways. Not unless something has magically happened with my wieght or the scale is totally wonky. I really would like to get my energy back and a straight head on things again. I went to school last night, but I had a hard time concentrating. And at times I would be thinking what am I doing there. Thursday, July 15, 2004 9:16 PM CDT Even with the bad news that I got this week I have been still able to finish this very busy week I had.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004 0:47 AM CDT Found out yesterday from the doctor that treatment apprently isn't working as well as we thought it was. My last CT has shown that there is fluid build up as well as some suspicous spots. This has really thrown me off guard. Today I went in for my scheduled herceptin treatment and have been booked to do some more carboplatinum this friday. Since I stopped the carbo treaments in march it appears that the tumor marker has been steadly increasing which corrolates with the CT scan. It's still soaking in. It's very frustrating that I am not able to obtain a state of remission. I can't express how scared I feel inside sometimes either. Saturday, July 10, 2004 9:18 PM CDT I'm tired today and I really shouldn't be. I haven't done much the last couple days, but relax. I think I might be a little bit emotionally tired thinking about some stuff. I need to start staying focused on studying. If I don't start tonight I HAVE to start tomorrow cause my tests Monday. Friday, July 9, 2004 1:35 PM CDT I've been having some strange dreams the past little while. Today I woke up not know where I was or if my body was where it was suppose to be. Tuesday, July 6, 2004 5:22 PM CDT Time to take a break. Working on my assignment here and am about half way done. I just wanted to reflect a little on my last entry. I didn't mean to sound like I hate my mother because I don't. It's just another challenge that my family has to deal with. We still love her although she tends not to think so much of the time. All families have their troubles and this is one of ours. My mother can't help that she has mental illness, it's just a chemical imbalance in the body. We've learned to cope with it and try to deal with it the best we can. I have been living here for over 20years now and have been aware of this since I was very young. My family is here to support each other and thats what we try to do when we can. As long as everyone helps out it makes things a little easier for each other too. Sunday, July 4, 2004 0:54 AM CDT The day has been fairly good today. Went to the Aquarium for my class assignment field trip and out with Erin for Pho this afternoon. Also just hung out with May for a while talking here and then went out later in the evening for a rollerblade at False Creek.
Thursday, July 1, 2004 8:43 PM CDT Today was yet another nice day here in Vancouver. Ohhh... and a Happy CANADA Day to everyone!!! Getting up early had started me on this getting up early schedule. I was awake by 7:30 today, but didn't roll right out of bed till 8:30. Saturday, June 26, 2004 7:13 PM CDT It’s a beautiful day in the neighbourhood and the sun is still shinning.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004 1:39 AM CDT I am going to make this one quick because I have to wake early tomorrow for work! I'll be working at the Cambie Surgury Centre tomorrow helping out the CDA. This will interesting. I'll get to see what it's like on the inside rather than just then helping out with the office work end of things. It might just be my turning point to go into the field or it might be the turning point to look into something else. Wednesday, June 16, 2004 0:18 AM CDT These past couple of weeks have been full. We’ll they’ve seemed full to me. I have either been busy doing something or resting from that doing something.
Monday, June 7, 2004 2:39 AM CDT The last couple days have been quite exhausting. Fundraising and everything has been awesome though. My Fundraising/Birthday party Thursday was a blast and I think everyone else had a great time too. The garage/bake sale Saturday went well also. Karin and I did a wonderful job with it all and we have plenty more ideas for the next time. I am going to relax these next couple of days. Relay is this coming Saturday. I am officially 22 now.
Monday, May 31, 2004 2:42 AM CDT Hmm... Wednesday, May 26, 2004 11:46 PM CDT Sometimes I just feel really scared. Especially when my body doesn’t feel right. It’s like I’m either on high highs or low lows. When there is something that I have no control over and that I don’t know why or what is happening to my body I get really afraid and I cannot sleep well at nights. And sometimes I cannot help, but wonder what if I am the next statistic…
Tuesday, May 25, 2004 6:01 PM CDT I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone that has donated to the Canadian Cancer Society’s Relay for Life in support of me. With all your donations up to date I’ve raised over $4000 and in the next two weeks I hope to reach my goal of $5000. Wednesday, May 19, 2004 10:50 PM CDT Through the past three years...
Monday, May 17, 2004 4:47 AM CDT It's almost 3am. I arrived home today at 11. I miss you already Ryan. I can't believe that these two weeks went by so fast. When I'm not home I just forget about everything that happens here.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004 6:47 PM CDT I thought I'd give you'll a little update. I just extended my stay in Chicago! Will be staying here for another couple days, till this coming Sunday! Yay! Friday, April 30, 2004 3:04 AM CDT It's been a long week, but in a couple hours I'll be off on a plane again. I was studying a lot the past weekend for the exam I had. It feels so nice to finally finish a class in which I feel like I have been working on or thinking about for like two years now.
Sunday, April 25, 2004 3:07 AM CDT I thought I'd procrastinate a little. Two days till my exam now.
Friday, April 23, 2004 1:03 AM CDT The past few days have been so gorgeous in Vancouver. I've just had to take advantage of them. Rollerblade season has begun! I'm always looking for blading buddies so let me know if you need another one:) Tuesday, April 20, 2004 0:56 AM CDT I went to school today to do a few things and I carried a bag full of books trying to sell some back to the bookstore, but I was going to get almost nothing for them so I had to carry them all the way home too!
Friday, April 16, 2004 3:23 AM CDT I arrived home from Montreal today, it was a blast! And seeing my cousin Natalie and my friend Andrea during the week just made it so much more special. Shopping is fun too! I did some, ok a lot:) It's a great city to visit. I really enjoyed walking down the streets of 'Vieux Montreal.' This was my first time to Eastern Canada and I'll certainly be back to see more. But now it's back to work. Then I see the doctor this coming Monday and go in for chemo on Tuesday. There is also still my one and only exam of the semester to go in about ten days. These seem to be my plans for the next two weeks.
Friday, April 9, 2004 0:48 AM CDT Today was a full day. I had to go to school early to finsh things off for my project. I can't believe I remembered how to use Corel Draw after a year! I finally handed it my Cartography final project, which I have been thinking about forever. It all began then anyways almost a year and a half ago. Just before I had my first relapse. Finishing this course will give me closure because its been draging on for so long. I decided to drop the course last year and retake it this year. I do really enjoy it and plan to take Geog 472, Advanced Cartography sometime in the future.
Sunday, April 4, 2004 5:11 PM CDT I’ve had a few busy last couple of days. I slept in today and it was GREAT! I decided not to go up to school and work on this project that I have not even started yet, which is due this week. And Montreal is in five days! Anyhow I have decided to procrastinate and write about my diagnosis now. So here it goes…
Friday, April 2, 2004 1:22 AM CST I did some shopping today while I was at work. Or shall I say A LOT! It's bad working in an office tower which is located in a mall. However, I did get four cute pillows for my room for only $27! Two yellow ones and two mauves ones.
Monday, March 29, 2004 11:56 PM CST Today is my first entry. My friend Jenn encouraged me to start a webpage so that I can update all you guys about how I am doing every so often. I'm sorry if I forget to inform you all what has going on with me. Sometimes I forget that I haven't told you or I think that I've already told you.
Click here to go back to the main page.
I have a little strength to sit at this computer so here I will have a short update. I have been very weak and basically home ridden. I am working on my calorie intake and that is a lot of hard work when you've lost your appetite as well as have a tummy that doesn't really want to intake much. That is my main goal now to try and keep my strength up and continue to get it going up. I still have discomfort in my belly.
Tomorrow I go into see the colon specialist. I will be having another colonoscopy sometimes. Dr.Miller returns monday and I see her then.
Maybe my sister will help me post a few new photo's from the last couple weeks later.
Ryan I have not heard from you in a while and wonder why.
My hair has been shedding like mad all week. I feel really sad about it. The second time around isn't any easier. Specially since my hair had gotten so long and pretty. I know a lot of people think 'It's just hair,' but it's just hair when it's not your hair. If you think it's so easy you shave your head for me!!! I'm going to get my sister and brother to shave it for me tonight.
Sunday, Sept 4, 2005
I haven't had the chance to update in a week b/c I have been in hospital. Just got home. Had a read bad scare Tuesday early morning just as I had gone to bed. I got chills and began hyperventalating. My dad said my lips turned blue and I couldn't stopped shaking. I had a high fever too. My dad woke my sister up and they called the ambulance. My heart was racing at over 180. They brought me into emerg. I had been in the hospital a week. Had my blood transfusion there as well. It's been rough. I'm still having on and off fevers. Anyways I'm tired going to rest some more.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Going in for a blood transfusion today my hemoglobin is low and is why I probably have no energy. Sorry have not really been up to any visitors. Please don't drop by unexpected unless your very certain I want to see you. The few out there you know who you are. Thank you for respecting me.
Friday, August 26, 2005 10:50 PM CDT
I still have trouble sleeping. I woke up this morning kind of upset and not feeling all so well. The homecare nurse came as they do Tuesday/Fridays. I often have reoccuring dreams of big pitbull dogs and me flying away from them that was one of last nights dreams.
A light sort of switched on today and I didn't want to feel the way I have been feeling anymore. I picked up my book 'There's No Place Like Hope' and started reading some of it again and it began to make me feel better. I forced myself to eat somemore and get up and do some house cleaning. While I was sweeping the floor my friend Mona popped by! I was really happy to see her because I haven't talked to her nor seen her in weeks. And we decided to go to the mall. I got myself a body pillow like I've been wanting. I need to make a big pillow case for it now. We even ate some sushi:)
I've lost about 10pounds or so in the last couple weeks and Mona can tell since she hasn't seen me in so many. My goal is to gain those back in muscle sometime. I've really realized how important it is for one to fuel their body with nutrients.
God works in funny ways. Today didn't begin as such a good day, but it's been a better day then I have had in a long time.
P.S. There's a new sushi pic!
Sleeping is still a challenge.
On Sunday after the church service my Pastor and the Deacons came over to my house to anoint and pray for me. It was very special. As children of God we should follow God's word and when someome is ill it says to do this. The night before my aunt and uncle also came over and read me a passage from the bible. I've been asking God to fill me with his Spirit often and to help me relieve me from my discomfort and provide me peace at times feel so very comforted. Anytime I feel alone or afraid I try and remember to pray.
James 5:13-16
The Prayer of Faith
13Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. 14Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. 16Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
My best bud Erin came over the other evening too and it was very nice to see her even though all I did was lay there!
Thank you everyone who has been donating to Real Time Cancer. I'm sorry I am not able to at this time to write my own little notes of thanks. There is still plenty of time to donate if you'd like. I will not be going to the retreat but your donations will still be put to good use in support and awareness of young adults with cancer.
I have been up and down emotionally.
I hate the hot weather.
I went to this Korean naturalpathic doctor the other day. I was quite frustrates with him becasue he didn't speak any english nor the same kind of chinese I do. My dad could barely even understand him I think. There was this women who translated in Cantonese tho. He prescribed tihs concauction of natural powders and stuff that I am suppose to have three times a day. The only thing this could help me with is boost my energy. I didn't like the fact that he assumed i'm a sad person either because I am not. And Dr.Miller says I have amazing coping skills.
Thank you everyone for your encouraging entries. And thank you all those that want to visit but that I have turned down. It requires me a lot of energy to even have converstation so this is why I don't want so many visitors. Please just continue to pray for me and leave me entries in my GB I really apprecicate them.
My family is taking good care of me.
I believe in the power of prayer and I know that I have people from even all the way in Taiwan praying for me:)
For everyone that calls and wants to talk. I never asnwer the phone. I have barely talked to anyone lately. So please don't take offense.
Started the new oral chemo last night.
My whole body just feels so weak.
Please no unexpected visitors to my house, not unless you are the few I don't mind laying around with.
If you would like to show your concern please drop me a GB entry.
I'd appreciate it.
I have been thinking about a lot of things the last little while. My mind has been running wild. When you can't do anymore then lay and rest this is what happens. Maybe I'll write about them another day.
Life, death, faith, loves, family,friends.
Don't take it personally if I haven't talked to you or answered your phone calls lately. I haven't answered calls unless your a doctor or really talked to anyone lately because I'm not up to it.
I don't get to be at camp:(
I haven't been able to eat much either. I've been crave slurpee's.
I have to really come to accept that I am not the 'normal' as much as I try and be. It's a hard thing to except becuase that's all I want to be normal again, but my life is far from it. I do know that whatever I do in life as long as I am happy doing it that's all that matters. That and the people that I really love and love me.
Please continue to pray for my friend Karin and Ashley. Karin is still recovering from transplant and Ashley will be going in for a mini alloy transplant this next friday.
Friday, July 22, 2005 1:55 AM CDT
I attemped to send this email out to many of you today! But hotmail is not cooperating so well with me and telling me that I've over sent my limit of emails today! I will however try and figure this all out in another 24hrs when they'll allow me to send emails again, but the following is what I have been trying to get to some of you out there. Along with the two attachments one in which I have no idea how to add to this site! Chemo was ok today, I pray to God that it WORKS! I really need to feel A LOT BETTER ASAP. I'm getting quite impatient.
Hi Everyone,
It's that time of year again where I'm doing some Fundraising. As most of you know last year I did the Canadian Cancer Societies Relay for Life and had my Young Adults team raise over 10,000 for the CCS, but this year I've chose to support another organization called Real Time Cancer. You can read all about my journey and the organization through my 2 attachments. I know many of you have already recieved either my Fundraising packages in the mail or hand delivered by myself, but for those of you who haven't here is all the exact info in my attachments.
Without the support of each and everyone that has impacted my life in one way or another I would not live the good quality of life that I do while continuing treatment for my chronic cancer. From the time I wrote my first letter June 30th (the attachment) a lot has already changed. I have decided not to start school right away, I forgot how much healing time one needs after leaving the hospital. I have become very bloated in the belly, but today I had my first treatment of a drug called doxorubicin Liposomal. This is the sixth protocol that I have been on. It cost $5000 each treatment which I get monthly through IV. I thank God for MSP and Tax payers dollars! I have not felt so unwell for so long ever and it's been really frustrated for me becuase I'm use to doing so much more then rest and utilize my energy when I do have some.
Thank you each one of you for unconditional love and support through my difficult times.
Love,
Margaret
PS: I've pasted one of my attachments to the bottom of this email just in case some of you are unable to open them. Sorry the other one is a PDF that I cannot cut and paste. You are also welcome to forward my email any of your family or friends that enquire about me.
www.caringbridge.com/canada/margaret
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
June 30th 2005
Dear Family and Friends,
It’s that time of year again where I update you all on what has been going on with me. As some of you know, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in August 2001. Since then I’ve had 3 major surgeries. The latest one, in December 2004, involved the removal of 2 tumors and about 5 feet of colon, as well as a colon reconstruction.
I am writing this from the hospital. I’ve been here for the past 10 days. This time around, I am being treated for fluid build-up in the chest cavity caused by small cancer spots in the region. Last Friday, a mini surgery with a camera scope led to the discovery of these new cancer spots. During the surgery, the doctors also placed a large chest tube inside me to aid in fluid drainage. A procedure was then performed where some sort of talc powder was sprayed into the chest cavity in hopes of preventing my lungs from collapsing again.
I am still enduring cancer treatment and will continue to for the rest of my life. I will never be in a state of remission, not unless God grants me a miracle - and they do happen. I’ve seen them occur amongst my own family and friends. My doctors are now working to make sure my cancer doesn’t grow uncontrollably. I will continue with the oral chemo that I have been on for the last two months. So far, it has brought my tumor marker down. However, if this treatment fails to work there is an alternate plan - a different, intravenous chemo which has already been approved for me by the hospital committee.
I would like you all to remember that I am not defined by cancer. I am very open and comfortable with talking about my condition, but like all of you, I am just another girl. I am a child of God, a daughter, a sister, a grand-daughter, a niece, a cousin, and a friend. I am a gym-buff, a rollerblader, a girl that just likes to have fun, and so much more.
I’ve had a wonderful year-and-a-half despite the trials I have gone through with my health. I’ve traveled, and I’ve spent a lot of time with people that I care about, and that care about me. I cannot believe that Christmas was over 6 months ago -- it blows my mind to think about that!
I plan on starting school this coming week and working towards becoming a Certified Dental Assistant. I am very excited about this; it has been on my agenda for a very long time.
Many of you supported me in Relay for Life last year, which was an incredible success. My young adults relay team raised over $10,000 for the Canadian Cancer Society (CCS). The CCS is a great organization, providing funding for many services to cancer survivors. However, being such a large organization, they have already chosen which services to support, such as Camp Good Times (for young children) and the Freemason driving program for cancer patients (which my dad volunteers for). Unfortunately, I find that the CCS lacks in supporting Young Adults like me. This year, I have decided to fundraise for another organization called Real Time Cancer (RTC), a support network for young adults like myself, the often forgotten age-group in the cancer sphere. This is the first program of its kind in Canada, and it operates from the East Coast in Newfoundland.
Dealing with a medical condition like cancer is a concern when traveling outside the country. There’s problems getting insurance coverage and the complications associated with leaving a familiar medical system. There are many programs assisting those in the geriatrics and pediatrics age range, but cancer patients in their 20’s and early 30’s are often ignored. There are increasing numbers of young adults being diagnosed with cancer, which I believe has to do with the rapid change in our societal habits as well as lack of concern for the environment.
I hope to attend the RTC Young Adults Retreat this coming labor day weekend (September 2nd - 5th) in Newfoundland, but will be unable to do so without your help. Your donations will go directly towards helping keep the RTC website running, as well as helping fund travel costs for me and other young adults struggling to gain financial independence in the midst of fighting cancer. Knowing that your fundraising contributions will directly help others like me makes me truly happy. You can donate to RTC by directly sending checks to,
Real Time Cancer, Re: Margaret Tse, P.O. Box 23017, St. John’s, NL, A1B 4J9
phoning in by visa or MasterCard to 1-877-571-7325, directly online at Real Time Cancer click on Organizations then click on Donate , or passing on small cash donations to me that I will send to the RTC coordinator. Tax receipts will be issued for all donations over $10. If you do donate, please let them know that you are donating in honour of Margaret Tse, so that the RTC knows where the money is originating from.
God has blessed me with so many wonderful people in my life who have cared for me over the past four years. I thank each and every one of you reading this letter today. You have all touched my life in one way or another. This letter only briefly outlines the journey I have been traveling. To learn more about my story and to keep up with my life journey, you can visit my online journal at www.caringbridge.org/canada/margaret.
Thank you for taking the time and effort to read my letter, and I look forward to seeing you soon.J
Sincerely,
Margaret Lilac Tse
508 East 27th Avenue
Vancouver, BC V5V 2K6
(604) 817-2996
I'm still taking T3's for the constant pain I'm having, but hopefully with the new chemo this Thursday it will help relieve all of that. Maybe this one is my Miricle Drug. I am the first Ovarian Cancer patient to recieve this drug in BC fully funding for. When your young they approve you for so many things! I didn't even know that they got special permission for me to have the Herceptin I was recieve prior either. The other week on news Herceptin has been approved here in BC for all stages of Breast Cancer patients that are Her 2+ and not just the one's that have metastisized.
I can't wait for them to inject me with these toxins! It's wierd that I say that, but I know it'll help and the sooner they give them to me the better. I will recieve my first caylex chemo come this Thursday afternoon and I really can't wait!
Today I have pondered the thought of going to Camp Mak a Dream again. They have a session July 30-August6. I know it'll be another amazing week. I called today to see if they have any space left as well as called my doctor to see if she thinks it would be ok for me to travel so soon. I hope to hear from them soon so I can book a ticket before they sky rocket even more.
That's today.
I soaked my feet today and pampered them tonight too. I now also have Dr.Miller inspired pink toe nails. She had them painted like so when I met with her Thursday!
A couple T3's a day keep my going:) And Adivan to relax at night if I need.
I am frustrated today becuase I have no been so unwell ever. All other times where I have had surgury I've bounced back a lot quicker. Like in two weeks I was out and about... sometimes a week! Dr. Miller advised me to take tylonol so I am more comfortable. And she presribed me some more Adivan so that I can be more relaxed and sleep better at night.
I had some breaky with my sister this morning after the appointment, but I didn't feel well when I got home. I puked twice!!! Just tried to rest most of the day. I hope it's just what I ate. I'm not really entirly sure. Feelign a little better this evening tho.
I'm determind to go to the Keep On Swimming Fundraising Party for the BC Cancer Foundation at the Shore tomorrow night though. So I'll see some of you out there then:)
Wednesday, July 13, 2005 3:21 PM CDT
Yesterday morning I went over to my aunt and uncles house, which is right across the street to drop something off. And I decided to ask my uncle a wee little questions about the bible, well not so wee after all. I did stay an hour or two. I talked to my aunt as well and shared some stuff with the both of them, she encouraged me to do the Salvation prayer with my friend Karin. I had been thinking about it for a longtime, but wasn't sure how to really approach it. So my said that she'd help if I wanted and she did.
I went for my ultrasound that afternoon. Which is always nerve racking. First of all trying to drink A LOT of water in my unsettle tummy is hard enough. The appointment was about an hour long, but the last little bit is the hardest when the test is done and the technologist tells you he's done but sit there as he examines all the slides and stuff. HE'd NEVER SAT THERE SOOOO LONG! I prayed to God when I was sitting there myself before and during and after the appointment, it really helps calm me to know God listens to me when I don't have someone else like my dad me aunt or my sister or someone around. You could only imgine what was going on in my mind. I think it was like ten mins I sat there. Anyways then he comes back and is like lay down, he checked something else again and was back at his desk. Then I think he went over to the doctor got the approval and I was done. Oddly, he said to me 'You're feeling better then you were the last time aren't you?' the last time being in March when I had a ultrasound done by him. Then he goes on to mention that there is I guess 'Less Fluid' then the last time, but I don't feel well and thats why I'm in this time. I have no idea. I'm confused. I go to see Dr.Miller tomorrow morning and discuss these results and more.
That evening my Auntie May or my A-yee and I went over to Karin's home. We got to read parts of the bible together and discuss happenings in our lives, which reflect those of God's works and as well as demonic works, I never knew there was such thing as demon oppression before, but it's true! Karin's experienced it, my aunt, my little cousin and many more. This happens when your laying in bed and all of a sudden you feel that you have no control over your body and you cannot move. There are really evil spirts out there, but by the power of prayer you can ward of these evil spirits. My cousin has a crazy story from taiwan about spirit's too.
It was so wonderful to beable to pray with Karin and have her do the salvation prayer. I had been thinking about it for a long time but never knew how to do it. Untill I spoke to my aunt and I told her Karin had been asking me about it! So she told me I'll come with you if you want. I never realized how special it really is. Karin is the first one that I have really shared my faith with in that way and it's awesome feeling.
I'm still a very young Christian or as you may say a Baby. Even though I have been a Christian ever since I was little. It being instilled in my at such a young age I knew all the basic concepts and I know that this is where my care and love stems from for other people through my faith. Being a Christian isn't all about just praying and going to church. It's about serving God and doing whatever you do in life to please him. Too often in life when we get busy, I am very guilty of it, I tend to forget God. Thinking WOW things in my life are GREAT! Who needs God! But God is the one that has provided me with life and he can take it away in an instance too. Life is frigile, be it you're ill or healthy. You could be hit by a car tomorrow or blown up by a bomb!
This past May/June I attended these Faith sessions that my pastor was hosting with my Aunt and Uncle and a few others from my church. It was real eye opener for me and I learnt a lot from it.
It was only a few years ago when I really came back to God. When I was first diagnoised with Cancer in August 2001. I've had three big surguries since then a lot of little stuff happen. At times when I'd be at the hospital and my dad or my family was not there due to having to sleep on their own or busily taking care of their lives to live, you know those times that it may have only been a shrot while, but they weren't there. I prayed to God. And it gave me so much comfort. Knowing that there is someone out there that listens to me every moment of the day any moment of the day that I may need. God is the one that has provided me with my wonderful family and friends to support me in my times of need and in my times of joy as well. My last major surgury in December I remember praying right before they gased me and praying right when I woke up before asking the nurse what my blood type was becasue I was recieve a blood transfusion.
Ohhh... and at this point I'd like to again stress the importance of blood donation. I know I have recieved it and many friends of mine, including karin. Please please donate if you're well and able to. Just think a needle poke is nothing when you can help save a life.
Back to things. This past October I was at church one day and pastor announced that they would be doing a Baptismal service at Christmas time and it really peaked my interest. So I went up and talked to him after church that day and decided I wanted to be baptised, not because everyone else was doing it, but because I wanted to share with the world that I believe in Christ and that he brought his only son to earth to die for us so that we may have ever lasting life.
Right after that I found out I had two tumors in my colon. And that I would be having immediate surgury the next week where I had five feet of colon removed and the possibility of having a colostomy. Thank God again that my doctors were able to avoid that. I've avoided having a port or anything stick out of my body that is foreign out of the hospital. I was upset that I mostlikly wouldn't beable to get baptised, but somehow just somehow everything turned out so that I was able to. It was exactly 12 days after my surgury. I was strong eoungh to go through it all. We just had to completly seal my incision. Somehow just somehow it all happened and I was able to have this so special day.
My baptismal was extra special that I was able to share it with my little cousin Tash who got baptised at the sametime. Including that my cousin Natalie was home to witness it and at the time my bf Ryan. Also my good friends Jenn, Andrew, Erin & Karin were there too! And my family my dad my mom my aunt and uncles and cousins and more:)
Anyways, maybe I ought to end here. I'd have to say my life is better with God in it then without. He provides blessings to us in disguise. Sometimes we don't know why he does the things he does right away, but in time we often see them. 'Jesus is the way the truth and the life no one goes the father but through him' and i know if i 'Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not into my own understand and in all my ways acknoledge him he will set my paths straight.' There is far beyong a better place after life here on earth too, but we must endure it before we get there. And we do have a choice, eitehr to follow him or not to follow him.
Oh wait one more thing. My cousin shared these with me the other day that I thought was interesting.
RANDOM STUFFS LAURA LEARNED ON THE WEEKEND...
1. Positive thinking only works in situations IN your control.
2. Faith works in situations OUT of your control, putting the trust into God's hands who IS in control.
3. Faith does not deny reality (contraire to popular belief) but denies the (unknown) verdict.
4. While the world offers you "hope for the best", Christ offers you "the best hope".
This is my cousin
Laura's Crazy Taipai Advenutues.
I still have a very not feeling well tummy:(
Friday July 8th, 2005
I'm frustrated with my life. I have been thinking about this the last couple days A LOT. Then I come to read my friends Karin's journal today and I felt like I was speaking. I couldn't help but tear up. I seem to cry a lot these days and mostly to myself.
I feel like I've been cut short of my life. At this age my parents were married had kids already. And here I am fighting for my life. Have been rejected because of this horrible thing called cancer and not because of the way I love or care. I'm such a beautiful and smart girl that this is not fair. It is hard to always put my trust in God becsaue I often wonder when is he going to perform his magic on me so I can continue a 'normal' life.
I was suppose to be at a wedding today of a friend my age, but instead I was in clinic having a chest xray done seeing my doctor and getting this one little stitch taken out. I will go in next week sometimes early on to get an ultrasound done to see why my belly doesn't feel like it should. It may be fluid filled again. Looks like they are going to change up my chemo again too. Onto something called kaylex, I don't know how it's spelt. They have never used it here in BC on a Ovarian Cancer case, but it has been used else where. I'm being guinni pigged on thank GOD!
I feel like I have been in a rut. I am in a rut. I hate cancer and I hate having to go in for cancer treatment, but it is helps me so I continue with it.
I want to love someone here on eartch with all my heart again and have that love returned. It really is one of the most amazing feelings in the world that I have ever felt. I want to get married one day. I want to care for some children and see their children. There are an amount of endless dreams that I have and these are only a very few of the big ones.
Tuesday, July 5, 2005
The weekend has been really tough comming home. I expected to feel better ASAP, but I didn't. Last night I finally gave into taking T3's again and do I feel much better doing so. I'm the kind of person that doesn't take med's if I don't feel that I need them, I guess I can be a little stubborn sometimes too.
I'm kind of sad that I'm not starting school like I had hoped a month ago. CDA school is something I have been thinking about for over a year. My mind is so there, but my body I know needs the rest. It's frustrating having to deal with my health and with all the goals, ambitions and dreams I have. I really hope to move out of my home one day. One day that is not too far off of this one.
I was really pissed off this morning. I mentioned to my mother 'nicley' that it would be nice if she had less people over this next little while because I have not been feeling well. It's nice to beable to wander my home in just the midst of my own family. Since I have been home each day there has been at least two people over during the course of the day. I will not mention any names, but those of you that know my mother, will know what I'm talking about. There are some of her friends that I don't mind her having over. Some that are having difficult times of their own that need the friendship, but there are others that have over done their welcome.
My mother said to me today. That she can't have a social life!!! What's that all about! My social life is outside of my home. It does not mean having people over everyday! Why can't she go over to other peoples homes. My friends come over when I'm not well or when I'm having a hard time to comfort me. Thats why people come over here usually. Other then that I LOVE going out and about! She said without her friends she doesn't have a life or that she'd be better off dead. Life is about serving God and thats why we have such a wonderful church family. I don't know that she sees that. I don't now what she see's half the time. And I won't use her illness as a escape goat. It's been used far too long. It's like she doesn't see what wonderful four kids she has a husband and a much wonderful extended family of a brother and sister and many nieces and nephews and brother and sister in law. We honestly really do care about her, but she doesn't see that!!! when will some lights turn on!!!
Today she had the nerve to say to me 'When will you get better?' And the anger in her voice, just caused me to blow up today becasue I can't take it anymore. Does she realize that I am never going to get better from this that it is a constant battle for me??? She knows how to push our buttons. I will not share anything with her because she ends up spreading news like wildfire to people that I could careless knowing about my condition. Or she'll share miss information. I share what I want to with those that I know really care or my family that knows right information will know whom and what to share. My mother has no idea of how serious my condition is. I could possibly die from it in a few months in the next year or be it many many years. She does not understand how frustrating this is for me. And on top of it all having to deal with not really having a mother, but rather taking care of one. My mother doesn't read my journals, she is much computer illiterate so I'm not worried about hurting her feelings here. This is 'truth' though, I am not exagerating. Many of you that know her and read this do not know this side to her, she is very two faced and can change from anger to nothing is wrong in a blink of an eye. She hates my grandparents and cannot foget the past. I don't understand how she cannot see how much my grandparents gave up to care for us, they gave up their lives in Hong Kong to live here to watch over us kids. It hurts me so much when she talks bad about them. Even when my grandfather was close to the end she had the nerve to go downstairs and yell at him. I remember telling him not to listen to her, but I know that he already knew that and knew thats the way she is.
When I attended Camp in Jan 2004 this is one thing that really hit me. I recall Ryan talking about how wonderful his mother was to him and how she cared for him and I remember feeling an emptiness. I recall thinking that I don't have that. I cried in his arms about that and over time he understood how hard that it has been for me in taht way. Having an emotionally and mentally supporting mother, I will never know what it is like.
My Dad is the one that has taken care of me ever since I was ill. He came to the hospital to be with me everyday. God has provided me with a wonderful earthly father even though my earthly mother really isn't so much of a mother, but on the other hand I know he does not give us circumstances in which he doesn't believe we can handle and overcome. I care for my mother and I know that she has gone through a lot before I was born and I'm thankful for my parents for having me, but honestly I don't respect her a whole lot.
I really just had to vent today. My live journals are theraputic to me.
Sunday, July 3, 2005
My mind runs far faster then my body can keep up with. I was really excited to come home, but I also thought as I'd be home I'd be up and running like I should be again. My body is not ready for that yet, I don't think I'll be starting school tomorow, it may for the better of myself have to wait till September. I have a lot of things to evaluate in my life. I'm still not feeling the grestest. Maybe I shouldn't push myself in doing what my mind really wants me to, but rather just kick back a little bit and enjoy other aspects of life. I don't have much of an appetite either.
Friday, July 1, 2005
1:20pm... I'm GOING HOME!!! I just have to have a chest x-ray done and will be free. They pulled the chest tube today, which is another horrible experience, but that is gone and I am a single woman again! anything under GA is better then anything that is just a few minutes awake. Being awake makes it more of a invovled experience. And I don't like those.
I have two days to recoop and this mean I can start school Monday too! yay! Can't wait to eat home cooking!
Friday, July 1, 2005
I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!
Thursday, June 30, 2005
11;04pm... I feel like i am getting wearker both mentally and physically. I really need to get out soon.
4:26pm...Sometimes I feel scared about thinking about the things that can happen to one. Being here longer and longer makes it harder and harder b/c the patients I meet, some are going into pallative care,I don't ever want to hear those words. In my life outside of the hospital I am not reminded of that day in and day out, from morning to night. I believe that mentally being here is the hardest part.
Chest tube needs to go bye bye soon b/c I hate having foreign objects in my body. PLus it hurts like hell.
Have been ready to go since 10 days ago, but I am not putting my hopes up anymore of leaving sooner, b/c it ain't been happening.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
10:01pm.. still here. Todday I was really exhausted. Still feel like a balloon. My sister washed my hair and helped me wash up, ohh it feels so good to be sooo clean! Mona bought me another cute tank, I am weraing it now, thanks girly. For some reason the longer I am in the hospital the sicker I start to feel. I think I'm just sick of it here. Nothing else much...
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
6:19am... Looks like I'll be staying. at about 170ccs in the last 24. The Therasic's doctor hasn't come by yet, but I do know this better now. It's ok, as long as I return home before Sunday. Slept better today, my two roomates are pretty good, quiet and all at night. Thank God for that.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
9:05pm... Been a hard day. Felt trapped and emotional, but feeling a little better now. I plan on going back to school start this Monday. School started this week, but I'll beable to catch up fine. The last couple of years keeping myself busy is what keeps me going. I remember when I was initially dx'ed I started school two weeks after I had surgury. I could not wait. I said I was only going to take 1 class which somehow ended up being 3. I did just fine:)
I will soon begin to fundraise for RealTime Cancer and for my flight out that way for the Retreat come this Sept. So keep your eyes peeled for my mail I send out. And if your interested in learning about donating please do ask me more. Real Time Cancer is a Support Network geared towards Young Adults my age (18 - 30ish). It's the first CANADIAN Young Adult Retreat in Canada. They have quite a few different one's in the states, but this helps us Canadians in not having to worry so much about Medical and leaving the country. That has been my biggest concern over the past year and traveling in the US, but I took the risk quite a few times and God watched over me each and everytime. I will do a little bit more of a speel maybe in tomorrow's update. I know a lot of you guys have been enquiring to me if I was going to do fundraising for Relay for Life again this year. The reason I decided not to fundraise for the CCS is because I don't feel that they directly help in ways to Support Young Adults. They definatly however do have some other great things on their agenda in support of cancer survivors. Such as camp good times for little kids and the freemasons cancer driving program. I however feel that for myself I would like to help and fundraise to help Young Adults like myself. My choice of donation now goes towards either RealTimeCancer , Camp Mak A Dream, or Callanish Healing Society. All organizations in which rely on donations to continue runnnig. These are all organizations in which I have utilized their support in someway.
My good friend Karin and Andrea from Montreal will also be attending the RealTimeCancer Retreat. This makes it so exciting that both Karin and I will be able to see Andrea again. We met her at Camp Mak A Dream. It's been way too long. Andrea is a most amazing woman too, like Karin and myself. We are the Canadian Amiga's:) I love you both so much!
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
9:53am... going to be here indefinately. Not going home today for sure. Still draining too much fluid. If fluid continues to build up the procedue done in surgury may indicate does not work. I dunno. Fluid drainage in one day must be less then 100ccs, at about 300ccs since the last 24hrs.
I want to be out before next week b/c I want to start school. I may try and get the textbook so I can start reading the first five chapters. I hate this uncertainty. I don't think I've ever been in hospital longer. Sucks to be in prison.
Please leave me guestbook entries. I would like to know who's been lurking at my site this past week. There have been a lot of hits, so I know you guys are out there!
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
6:31am... frustrated today... just want to go home... this tube is really getting to me... I hate it... not to mention I have all new roomates since yesterday... The lady across from me I met her a week ago in xray... she is nice to talk to.. the lady diagonal is chinese.. so I am able to converse with her some and I think she likes that...the lady next to me however is an old one... who can't really suck up sleeping in a hospital bed... made all this noise last night like she was almost dying... she eventually moved to this lounge here which isn't so bad... at least I was able to get some rest...
I can endure a lot of pain and a lot frustration sometimes, but rigth now I feel like I'm at my wits ends, need to leave ASAP.
I think I should read my bible some to find some comfort. There are all the answers to life there. It makes good sense that the BIBLE = Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. I really believe it. For those of you reading my site, please do pass on verses or stories that you think may help give me some comfort here. Please sign my Guestbook. I would love to dig in and read some. Sometimes with the bible I just don't know where to begin.
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Phillipians 4:13
Monday, June 27, 2005
4:52pm... Dr.Miller just came by, she said that they are going to give the Zeloda one more try since my counts have gone down since I have been on them for the last two months. The fluid definately comes from cancer. She mentioned that Dr.Evans one of the therasic doctors, the one that did the surgury the other day saw some little tiny tumors i guess in the chest cavity. I guess they are hoping the chemo will rid of those. But if the Zeloda isn't working, they have an alternate drug, I'm not sure of the name that has been approved that they will try on me. Dr.Miller will come by again tomorrow morning.
Still here with this stupid chest tube. Looks more like tomorrow they'll discharge me. I didn't like that news today. I was hoping there was nothing, but invisible cancer cells floating in the body. Take one day at a time. God never said he made life fair. My roomate that left today for a hospice had this one verse that she wrote. I can't remember how it went, but something about all the trial in life and how they only make you stronger and the person you are. I have to remember to "Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not unto my own understanding" I need to remember and trust that he will do what is best for me and provide for me. For he gives me each and every new day to enjoy the light of this beautiful earth that he created.
Gonna think about the school thing somemore and good yummy tasteful food.
Monday, June 27, 2005
11:23am... Kind of had a hard morning. I was just really tired. The emotions kind of get to you when you've been in hospital a week!!! I don't think I've ever been here so long for something that is not a big surgury. I hate getting poked with heparin here too. My dad does it better, it hurts half of the time when some of the nurses do it. Plus, I feel like a balloon. They are suppose to be draining fluid from me, which is happening. But I'm ballooning up too becasue they have been giving me IV fluids since surgury. I think I weight at least 5kg more then my usual weight! AT LEAST! Probably more! Thank goodness Dr.Pike said it's ok to remove the IV fluid portion today. I told the doctor that a few days ago, but he said it doesn't affect the suction and stuff, but I wonder. my legs are puffy my stomach is puffy, this fluid better absorb fast like within the day becasue it's annoying. I can't wait to go home. Maybe today if I am lucky. And I thought I was only going to be here TWO days! Still feel like good breaky food.
I can't stand getting that on your too young stare from other patients family members. Nobody stares at me when I'm out of the hospital with no tubes. I don't feel that people should stare like that when I'm here either. Say something if you want to know something. Don't just try and glance and look when you think I can't see because I have 20/20 vision and if I'm up and about my brain still thinks fairly quick, probably quicker then some of these family members. I didn't just finish 2.5 years of university by magic.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
10:25am... can't wait to go home, but still draining fluid so that means I cannot go home. Still craving mcmuffin. Was really tired yesterday and today. Slept most of the night and may go back and sleep some more now. I think things are finally catching up with me. I want to eat some GOOD food soon. Still in quite a bit of pain when the Med's start wearing out.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
6:23 am... I don't sleep so well here, but I think that's due to inactivity for I am confined to this floor. I sleep for about 3/4 hours at night and I wake at 3/4am in the morning! Watch some tele in bed and decided to get up and about. Oh I feel like a sausage eggs mcmuffin and hashbrowns! Too bad they won't let me leave this floor! grrr...
I'm rethinking school. I'm already getting a lot of rest here. Plus I know the teacher I'm sure she'll help me out with some stuff I miss if I do miss the first few days. I know a lot of you think I should rest it up, but I rest sooo much already! I'm going to pray to God about it.
Friday, June 24, 2005
7:38pm... I had surgury this morning at 9am! yay... all done with! It was only about 30mins long. I was so sleepy going down that I don't remember too much of that. I didn't sleep much last night and woke at around 3:30am and stayed up untill 8 when they told me I have to get ready to go. My dad went in the pre-op with me. Thanks Dad:) Before I knew it I was out like a light and I didn't even know when they put the anesthetic in. When I woke the air tube was still in my throat that was kind of uncomfortble, but they removed that pretty quick. My throat is still horse and sore tho. I was up and awake pretty fast. I didn't want to lay and sleep so I sat in the stretcher. They took an xray and I left the post op room pretty quick. I was back in my room at about 1pm.
I changed clothes and had some juice and ice. It tasted so good! And just listened to my music as I layed in bed resting.
My dad and aunt came by to vusit around 3pm I think. And then my sister came. Also a fellow that use to attended Ruth Morton came. I thougth that was so nice of him. He brought me a nice womens prayer book too. Which is great b/c I just finished reading Joshua Harris "I kissed dating goodbye." I don't agree with everything in that book, but it was an interesting read. i'm definatly not going to totally kiss dating good-bye! And then my mom, brother, uncle jim, damon, sumi, and b'na also came!
I was quite sore up untill about a little after my sister came. My bottom was getting sore from sitting. And my right back side is really sore from the camerascope procedure I think. Or it could be becasue they put a new larger chest tube in. I'm not exactly sure which one is causing the pain. But I have now been given more pain meds. More morphine and T3's.
I thank God that the surgury went well:) My tumor counts have also decreased from 300-260-160. I'm not sure if the Zeloda is not working or maybe if the Herceptin actually did something. Dr Miller mentioned maybe changing to anotehr IV chemo that is monthly. One that I will not loose my hair with either, but I'm not sure yet she is going to discuss with Dr.Hoskins. I'll probably find that out Monday. I'll be here probably till Monday too. It's not the two days like thought, but it's ok. I'm happy things are getting fixed and done.
Thank you everyone for all your prayers. I believe they are working. God is the ultimate healer. He has provided me with such a wonderful medical team and all these caring nurses and wonderful workers here at the BCCA and VGH. Thank you to all my family and friends too, your support means so much to me, I don't know what I'd do without everyone. I love you all so much!
My sister bought me a watermelon slushee from a bbtea house. It was sooo good! I think it'll be my new thing, bubbles just fill me up too much! I don't know what else I'm missing now. Thank you everyone that has come to visit me. It really helps pass the time and I love having visitors. Even if I'm half asleep!
Thursday, June 23, 2005
9:12pm No surgury today. Will have to wait till tomororw. However it means I can eat whatever I want till 12:00 tonight. I think my belly is already in shock. From nothing to a little something. Oh I think they have ice cream here! Chinese will be on it's way! yay... I better not have to wait all day again tomorrow!
Thursday, June 23, 2005
6:30pm.. still waiting... i'm starting to feel that I won't get into surgury tonight... I'm thirsty and hungry!!!
Thursday, June 23, 2005
blah it's 11:30am... and their making me wait till sometimes this afternoon for surgury and I don't even know when.... I was hoping they'd wake me early so I'd be all groggy going over there and not remember so much... blah... the anxiety and anticipation... I just want to get it done with!!! And go home asap.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Still at the hospital. Looks like I'll be here till the weekend at least. They've drained about 3.5-4 litres of fluid already. Also looks like I'm going in for GA surgury tomorrow. Ekk... there going to make an incision in the chest area and have a look with some camera scopes and then spray that talc like powder to keep the lung(s) from collapsing again. The fluid is not in the lungs but rather around it in the chest cavity area. I don't have pneumonia, however you spell that. I know a few of you have been confused by this.
I'm going to eat well today becasue I can't eat after midnight! That's it for now.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
I'm at the hosptial and I am bored. I did bring a couple books so I can read those. They placed the draining tube in my back today. That was a hard thing to do. Being awake is the hard part. The freezing hurt the most. I'm a little sore now, but the tube is in. They'll start draining the fluid once a team can come over from VGH, but there really busy right now so I just have to wait. This is for the better tho. I'll feel a lot better and beable to sleep a lot better and breath better again. Which means I can go rollerblading and back to the gym. I really really want to start school again next week.
Please continue to pray for me and ask God to heal me if that is in his will. God really is the ultimate healer. He has provided me with great healing hands on earth. Dr. Miller Dr. Pike and all the other Doctors and nurses here at the Clinic and VGH.
I'm not tired. But that's the update for now.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Well today was kind of crazy! I knew something was up since my breathing has not been right. I find out today that my chest cavity is basically fluid fill, which has been causing my shortness of breath. I'm not sure if the Zeloda is doing enough work, they're going to evalutate that I guess. I've only had acites (fluid) in the abdomon, so this is something new. The CT showed some fluid and I had a chest xray today to further investigate.
I'll be having a fluid tap tomororw. Dr. MIller wanted me to do it all under General Anethesia, but I think there going to do the fluid tap while I'm up and then then put me under to puff up the lung with talc powder or something so that my lung won't crash again. It's mainly the left side I believe. I saw the xray today and it was kind of crazy I didn't feel that I was so fluid fill but quite far up the chest cavity. I know I'll feel better after everything is done. It's been about a week like this. The doctors never mentioned anything about any new tumors so that a good thing. I was concerned over the weekend that I may have had metastizies to the lungs and thats a *scary* thought.
They'll wait till everything is done to evaluate chemo because they don't want my counts to go down before they do any GA. That's the update for today. I'll be going into the hospital again tomorrow probably around 8am or so. Not quite sure yet. Blah... Hopefully I'll only have to be in the hospital for one or two days max, what I'm hoping for anyways. I was already bored being there for 2hours today.
I still want to start CDA school next week if I can. I want to take out my rollerblades again soon. It was sooo HOT Today!
Andrea you're so right, scans are really hell on earth. Sweetie thank you for all your support from so afar, please do know that I feel your love each and everytime you send me a message or when I think about what an amazing women you are too. You and I have these *BIG* loving hearts! And I think thats what makes us so extra special too.
This has been really on my mind. This will effect my schooling, dependant on scan results Monday. I really want to go back to school... I miss that kind of life so much. I love to learn, but more so now I'll be learning something that I can help other people with. Health care is so important.
I know I just need to continue praying to God for he answers things by prayer and petition.
Please remember to keep my Auntie Dahlia and her family in your prayers. As well as thanking God for bring Karin home and that he continues to renew her physical strength. Please also pray for my Dad's friend Ming who is terminally ill with kidney failure and cancer, please pray for him and his wife that maybe God can provide a miracle if this is in his plans. Ming is a wonderful man and has come to see me when I have been ill even in his state. He always has a smile on his face, like myself most of the time.
And as for me.. please continue to pray that scan results are clear! I'm hoping I'm just really nervous. This'll really effect my plans that I have.
I maybe going to the RealTimeRetreat in Newfoundland come Sept! www.realtimecancer.org I hope I can go. I'll get to see you again Andrea:)
I don't have much more to say tonight...
Friday, June 10, 2005 7:18 PM CDT
hmm... Maybe I should start listening to people about doing too much, but then again I feel that there's no time to wait to do 'stuff' because life is awefully short. I feel kind of exhausted the last few days. I had a real 'off' day yesterday. My mind was just not in things. I have to remind myself not to think when I drive either, very dangerous! Could be just as bad as taking drugs, not that I'm not already on something toxic.
It has been really nice seeing my cousins, but I believe Laura's gone again:( for another year. I miss you when your gone Laura! Nat is here for a few more days.
I have a CT Scan comming up this Thursday. I haven't had one since October, when they found all the suspicous part and verified with the colonoscopy that I had more tumors! I can't believe it's been six months since I've had surgury. Exactly six months and 3 days today. I had never really feared going in for CT's, but now I get this nerve racking feeling. I did have an ultrasound in March that was clear, but I'm still nervous. I guess this will really indicate f chemo (Zeloda) is working too. My tummies been a little upset, I just hope this is my mind playing tricks on me.
I felt really sad today. There is this lady at my work she's a real sweetie. Her first child she had was a premi. He is doing very well. She was pregnant with her second child and paying close attention to her pregnancy since she's at high risk of the same happening, but today we found out she delivered the baby, but it died after:( She was not suppose to be due till next week. So very sad. I even just felt her tummy last friday.
When I met Ryan it was really magical. I remember comming home and being on such a high. I remember being at camp and sharing with the group about how much love I have to give and being emotional about it becuase I know that I could never have a biological child of my own. The emotions that week were insane. It really opened my eyes. I didn't want to leave and I didn't want to leave Ryan. I think I almost fell instantly in love with him. I liked the way he held me and I liked the way he kissed me on the forhead. I had to go to see him again and find out for myself what my feelings were about. I knew and I'm sure he knew how hard it was going to be being in a long distance relationship. I guess it's amazing that it even lasted as long as it did, living in another country and on the other side of each country. I thought I could live my life with him entirly, not one year or two years, but maybe five or six or seven. We just worked so well together in so many ways. Once you really love someone you'll never stop loving them and there is always that special place for them, but people change and the guy I fell in love with is a little different now. None of my plans the last five years have been what I had planned then to be and I get frustated because I know taht I could probably have already achieved a lot of these plans that I do have. cancer sucks, i would never summon it on anyone as horrible as they maybe. I still get sad and I still cry I'm not as tough as many of you think I am.
I really want it to get sunny. So i can go take out my park blanket, sit under a tree and just meditate, pray to God. I've realized more then anything that with my life I must take good care of myself, surround myself with good friends and my family.
First thing today, I thank my God for caring so much for me and I always know that there is someone I can talk to even when it feels like no one's around. He really provides for us when we need it even though we may not see it at the time. Thanks for all you who came to my Bday BBQ Friday it was great to see you all and talk some and thanks for the presents:) My Aunts 50th suprize party last night was fantastic. I can't believe everyone kept things under wraps for so long. My aunt is a wonderful lady, just so full of wisdom and care. She's always here for us to talk to her, be it during the day or 3am in the morning. She's definatly full of life and is such a roll model to me in her walk with God. Uncle Dewey you did a awesome job with the big surprize! Thanks for remembering my dad and I last night too! There were three cakes at the party last night.
Happy Birthday the day after mine Dad! I Love You lots:) I thank you and mom for giving me life!
Tomorrow is my Birthday! Yay! I'll be 23! Each Birthday now not only celebrates another year for me, but it also marks survivorship. This year'll mark four years since I have been diagnosed. I was pondering at church today and I can not believe that I have been doing chemo for over 2.5 years now because it really doesn't feel that long. I went from hair to no hair to short hair to what it is now. I'm definatly a fighter, but without my Lord and without all the prayers of each any everyone that prays for me I don't think I would of ever made it so far. These past couple weeks I have begun to feel somewhat 'normal' again if there is a so called norm.
My earthly family is so fantastic. We all try and do what we can to help each other out. I love the fact about that with all of us. And to all my very good friends, thank you guys for toughing it out with me too. And always having a shoulder for me to cry on or having those times with smiles and laughs.
I'm so happy to beable to see my cousins. Laura it's soooo nice to have you back from Taiwan even for a week! I've missed you so much. Natalie, it's always so nice to have your bubbly personality around too, you toughy skinny girl! Who would of known you'd be in the army!
I'm going to take today and relax at home. I've kept pretty busy this past while. The only other outting will be a trip to the gym. Too bad for the rain because I really wanted to take my rollerblades out!
Karin sweetie, I've been thinking about you everyday. Sorry I haven't come by to visit as much as I want to I know check my journal often and that you'll see this, I'll try to come and visit today. I have been praying for you and know you visit here often when you can.
Ryan, I know you're heading back to Chicago soon. I continue to pray that you have a safe trip and safe return home soon.
I know I need to update with some new photo's sometimes soon too. Some will be comming when there are some more new one's!
I just have to figure a few things out before I take the plunge. Including applying for a student loan, getting all those shots, and to make sure I'll beable to do a part of my practicum at the PDG, my work place.
My birthday's comming up! I can't believe I'll be 23 soon, some days I feel like I just turned 19. Any of you who are looking for something for me. I'll make it easy. I'd like to purchase somemore PT session at the gym, so mula will do well! I'm also faithful to my brands: lululemon, karma:) you know I love luon material!
Lately I've been feeling that it's better to have really lived and loved then to never love at all. Some people never experience that kind of love their whole entire lives and I guess I'm lucky I have. I know you all know what I'm talking about, if I've seen you I've probably talked about it with you too much as is. I can't help, but think of it often.
Friday, May 27, 2005
I haven't updated in a while. I know... sorry guys. Thinking about starting some schooling in late June. Looking into maybe doing the CDA program at a private college. I will decide on that once I find out what my tumor marker is Monday. I see Dr.Miller then. Please pray that that Zeloda is working! It's a pretty easy chemo on me, nice not having to go in the clinic often. Other than that, working a little, taking my blades out and hitting the gym. I will update more later. Tata. going to get some sun:)
Wednesday, May 11, 2005 7:43 PM CDT
Hmm...
God apprently doesn't give us what we can't handle. The last couple of weeks for me could never have been any worse. For a person my age there has been too many things I've had to mourn the past couple years, including my fertility.
The past week I had been to the doctor a couple of times. The Gemcitabine I was on seems that it had come to a plateau, they also decided to discontinue the Herceptin becasue with the trend in my tumor marker it doesn't appear to be helping alone either. They will place me back on the Herceptin if they think I need it. My doctors have assured me that they are doing the best they can for me. And they have been doing what is in my best interest. There are a lot of options for me. I have now been approved for an oral chemo called Zeloda (Capecitabine). I just started Monday night, it's two weeks on twice a day and one week off. No more IV pokes for the time being, which I am pretty happy about. I'm hoping this is my Get Out Jail Free ticket, you never know. There have been only 4cases like mine in BC the last 15 years. My tumor is acutally not genetic, so my family out there, Lennie Kat Laura Sarah Natalie, you guys really don't have to worry for yourselves.
Erin came to the doctor with me Monday, that was very nice of her. She's my very best friend here. Love you Erin:)
I know it seems that all I talk about in my journals are about my health. My health is my number one priority in taking care of myself and I think I do a good job of it. I don't rely on other people an aweful lot, not unless I'm really very sick. No one else will take care of your health for you.
In taking care of my health, I've also put down a quite a few bills in getting Fitness World pass and also purchasing myself some PT sessions. No more YMCA for me, it's got a different association and the new gym is a good change for me. I will be going some days after work, it's very convient cause I park for work at the same place I'd park for the gym! Yay. And it's only five min drive from home. I've always wanted to be skinny, but I know that's not possible due to my body shape and all, but maybe this is my time to get tonned and maybe shed a few pounds even though my Doctors tell me not to. I don't see a problem in it, for I know my body better then anyone else. I don't think I'll ever beable to have abs of steel tho, due to all the surgury, my stomach muscles are probably torn.
Going to start looking into going back to school. Hmm... and maybe get ready for beach weather. My Birthday's in a few weeks too!
Still heartbroken in many many ways.
I was just reading from this book. It quotes, "Love is like lighting and you don't know it till it hits you." I totally agree.
Laura, remember the time you and I were almost hit by lighting? or so as we both thought we saw the same thing.
Wednesday, May 4, 2005 5:54 PM CDT
Life is so very unpredictable. My plans for my life five years ago are nothing like they are today.
Plans five years ago included. Finishing my degree, which I have not. Having a career after my degree, which I have not. Hopes of being a biological mother, not now, but years down the road, five or ten, which I will never be. No plans for cancer, which have appeared. Knowing what I would of wanted to do with life, which I have no clue still.
What I am… is a health nut, but I still eat those crispy chips every so often. Still a student and learning I guess. Employed. A girly that loves to cook and clean. A daughter, a sister, a niece, a granddaughter, an ex girlfriend, a best friend/friend, a cancer survivor, child of God and many more. A listening ear always. People tell me I am inspiration to them although I don’t really see it.
I’m honestly not sure how I have been able to cope so well with cancer. I just do it and live my life, doing whatever makes me happy. Through the past couple of weeks I’ve felt that dealing with cancer even appears easier then dealing with heartbreak. When I care about someone and love someone I honestly give it my all. If I've ever said "I love you" to you, know that those words are so real, I'd never mis-use them, there not easy for me to say. This probably stems from having cancer. I guess I’ve realized there is no time for me to waste playing with my feelings or anyone else’s. Life on earth is short with or without cancer. For heaven sakes I don’t even know how it is that I’m almost 23!
I control my cancer by making sure I go to all my appointments, being aware of my own body when things don’t feel right, keeping it in shape by exercising, and fueling it with healthy foods, enough rest and plenty of water. There was only one time in which I planned a missed appointment and that was because I was in love and felt it was very worth it.
I booked an appointment to see my doctor on Monday. I went into enquire about some questions I had. Furthermore, to check my tumor makers too. They haven’t been skyrocketing, but they haven’t been all that stable, in the 200 range now. It appears that the chemo, the gemcitabine is plateauing, like the carboplatinum protocol I had prior. They booked me in for an appointment to see another doctor today, which I missed. I thought that the nurse Monday said it was on Thursday, but I have been rebooked for tomorrow morning. I swear it’s the chemobrain or something. I got to see Dr.Miller and Dr.Pike Monday; it looks as though they are going to change my chemo again. From what I gather they are going to be putting my on some oral chemo, which on the positive note I won’t have to get IV pokes. I feel just fine and I just had an ultrasound about a month and a half ago which was clear. There really isn’t any point in doing anymore scanning now because it would most likely end up clear, in a month or two most likely though. I haven’t had a chance to ask, but in hopes for me maybe this chemo will eradicate the cancer for me.
I’m looking into doing Distance Education Certified Dental Assisting again, or the reception this fall, or maybe I can even get into the Full time CDA course. I’m not sure. I know the office administrator at my work knows some of the head people at the College. I’m going to enquire to her about that. If I’ll be on oral chemo it’ll allow me to be a lot more flexible then I have been this past 7 months. I’m not sure of the plans that God has for my life or why he has made the changes in them this past month or so, but I hope that he shows me soon because I really hate the anticipation. I’ve been really praying hard about a lot of things.
Please remember my friend Ashley from my support group as well as my good friend Karin as they are both in the processes of fighting cancer again.
Following are a few verses that I really liked which were part of my pastor’s weekly emails.
When you are concerned about the future... "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)
When you don't know what to do... "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault." (James 1:5)
When life has got you down... "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" (Philippians 4:4)
When God doesn't seem real to you... "'You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord." (Jeremiah 29:13-14)
When you wonder if God loves you... "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)
When you feel guilty... "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)
When you need assurance... Jesus promises, "Whoever hears My word and believes Him who sent Me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life." (John 5:24)
When no one seems to understand you... "O Lord, you have searched me and You know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar." (Psalm 139:1-2)
My heart has been broken far too much.
My grandfather passed away.
I got into a car accident.
Ryan broke up with me.
My pet fish died.
The last week I’ve noticed what a beautiful city I live in. It’s really grand, but on the other hand my thoughts had gone to thoughts I’d had before that Ryan and I never discussed. If I were able to I think I would of moved the world for him. I looked into going to Dental Hygiene school there last summer, but my health doesn’t allow me because my medical team is here and I would not have insurance in the states. We have great chemistry and a great love, but problems that we had never discussed because we were both afraid earlier have finally appeared. I know we live far away and we have our problems, but I still feel that we can over come those if we discuss and tentatively planed more. What relationship doesn’t have its problems that it must over come? Ryan is wonderful guy in my eyes and he has been here for my in ways I never could of imagined. Ryan is one of the best gifts that God has ever provided me with. He is my first real love and always will be. I still love you Ryan no matter what.
I'm really hoping that it's only because I took the extra week off to be in Chicago that my markers are going up. Otherwise it means that the chemo isn't as effective anymore. The Gemcitabine isn't so bad, it's doesn't knock me right out. I'm tired just for two days and I get a good five days of better energy and I totally look forward to my week off of chemo each month as well. Sometimes, however; I wished that they could give me treatment in which would knock me out six months, but on the other end 'cure' me. The nurses and doctors at the clinic that I have aren't bad, they're really good to me, but it's tiring going in there and I'm really starting to be sick of it.
At my support group meeting last night though one guy mentioned how the cancer isn't paying rent and that it doesn't belong in our bodies. I soooo agree. I'm a toughy most times, but there are times when I totally break down. My support group is great. I'm so glad to have them. Please do have a look at the place where we are now meeting and are associated with.
Callanish and my support group's site that is just starting up Young Adult Cancer Network
This year I don't believe I'll be doing Relay for Life. It was a lot of work fundraising, but it was well worth it. However this year I would like to fundraise some money for Callanish, I'll probably plan something in time, but if any of you are looking to make some donations. Callanish is a wonderful place on Vine and West 10th in which is entirly run by donation. The Callanish place was donated by a fellow in which I'm so thankful for, but they still require quite a bit of money monthly to keep the place going. It's such a welcoming and relaxing place for us, our work over the last year looking for the 'perfect' place has really paid off. I just purchased an awesome cook book from them last night, with very healthy recipies. The Tahini dressing is soooo GOOD! The books stayes entirly away from refined sugars and substitues them with honey or maple surype, natural thigns like that. If you would like a copy or like to have one let me know there 22$ and I can get you one or two the next time I am there. Or if you would like to make a donation to Callanish your most welcome to send checks to them c/o the Young Adult Cancer Network and they will send you tax reciepts as well.
Been working again, I think I may have to tone it down. I worked my first day in clinic today and I've forgotten how exhausting it could be afterwards. Been slipping at going to the gym because I have been trying to figure out how much I should work. I'm thinking 2-3 times a week just maybe enough. I really love working clinic. I highly respect doctors in which put so much care and time into their work. It really amazes me.
Of all the 3 surguries I've had they've booked me into OR in less then a week. And I'm so glad Dr.Miller is excellent at what she does. Too bad I don't have a photo of her to post becuase I'm really thankful for her.
I haven't been able to contact Ryan in a few days. His grandma doesn't really understand me either and my espanol is not good at all, so I haven't even really bothered trying to talk in spanish because I get so nervous trying to use it already. Ryan if your read this please phone me. I've miss talking to you since you've been in Columbia sweetie.
I like my new fishies background. I've had my beta for about a year now too and he seems to be doing well.
1.What time is it : 3:26pm
2.Name as it appears on birth certificate: Margaret Lilac Tse
3.Nicknames: Fargo, Fraggs, Margie, Marg
4.Piercing's: Just my ears
5.What is the most recent movie you've seen in the theater? Be Cool
6.Eye color: brown
7.Place of birth: Vancouver, B.C.
8.Favorite foods: I like to eat a lot of different foods
9.Ever been to Africa? Never
10. Ever been toilet papering? Uh no…
11. Love someone so much it made you cry: yes
12. Been in a car accident: yes
13. Croutons or bacon bits: Both please
14. Favorite day of the week: Any when I don’t feel sick or tired
15. Favorite restaurants: Kamei, the little vietmanese one up the street, mmm… food… Can't just choose one place!
16. Favorite flower: sunflowers
17. Favourite sport to watch: hockey
18. Favorite ice cream: chocolate chip mint
19. Disney or Warner Brothers: Disney
20. Favourite fast food restaurant: That’s a hard one… didn’t you watch super size me???
21. What color is your bedroom carpet: hardwood
22.How many times did you fail your driver's test: once
22. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail: Mona
23. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card: Lululemon
24. What do you do most often when you are bored? Play games on my comp, scrapbook, write letters.
25. Bedtime: When I feel like
26. Favourite TV shows: 24, Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, The Food Network, That 70’s Show, Super Nanny’s
27. Last person you went to dinner with: My family
28. Ford or Chevy: I don’t know the diff.
29. What are you listening to right now: silence
30. What is your favourite colour: purple
31. Lake, Ocean or River - Ocean
32. How many tattoos do you have:0, and will stay that way.
33. Time you finished this e-mail: 3:32
Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank you for each and every new day that you provide me with Lord. I thank you for providing me with the family and friends I have here on earth. I thank you for my grandparents you brought to me to watch me when I was young. I thank you for leading me to a support group that is well fitted for me. I thank you for bringing Ryan my best friend into my life even though our relationship is difficult with the distance. I thank you for watching over me the past few years and providing me the medical support and hands to help me physically deal with the cancer, Dr.Miller, Dr.Pike, Dr. Finlayson, the nurses and all the medical help that I’ve encountered. Thank you for the pick me up chemo angel network you’ve provided me with, chemo angels: Andrea, Gabrielle, Wendy, and Georgette. And I thank you for providing me with a home and comfortable living. Lord, I thank you for the wonderful church family you have given me and a place to worship you in which is only a few steps away from my home. Thank you for bringing Pastor Stan and Glenda to our church. I know they are a blessing brought to you for us and are here to help us grow closer to you. I pray for all of my church family as we continue to grow closer to you.
Lord, I’m uncertain why you have given me this difficult challenge of cancer at such a young age. I know that your word says that you have a plan for all of us. “Plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a future and hope.” Recently it feels like it’s been even harder then it ever was when you first brought cancer into my life over three and a half years ago. I don’t know what your plans are for me and more then ever now I need you to help carry me through these times. Recently, I often have difficult thoughts. I’ve been in chemo treatment for over two years and not seeing an end is really hurting the way I think these days. I feel that it use to be so easy to go in for chemo, but it’s only getting harder and harder. Being a child of God, I know that I shouldn’t be afraid of death, but I have to admit I am more then ever. I come here today to ask for your help in all of this Lord. More then ever, I would love for you to heal me and rid me of the cancer. Lord this illness has made my pursuits in life very hard. Schooling, working, physical activity. The fatigue has been quite a bit lately, please help me lessen it. The shedding of my hair has been very bothersome to me too Lord, I ask for you to make it stop, please, I don’t want to loose it all again. I know its just hair, but still I quite like mine. Lord I ask you today to help me with the challenges that come along with dealing with cancer.
Lord please help me come closer to you and giving me the strength and guidance to learn more about your word. Like Pastor said Sunday the Bible holds all the Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth. I need to read your word more then I do now.
Lord please watch over Ryan as he is visiting in Columbia and to help him with his decision about working and his schooling in the coming months. I pray for Lennie as she had been dealing with a difficult time herself, please provide her with the support she needs. I pray for Lennie’s friend Jabean as it has been very difficult for her since the car accident. Please watch over her and her family and help heal her. I pray for Will as he is thankful for all the things you provide to him Lord, but please ease him in asking you for the things he needs in his life as well. I pray for Kat as she will begin her schooling at Blanch soon, thank you for finally helping her let go of a job that she doesn’t entirely enjoy. I pray for Dan that you give him the guidance that he needs in his life and that he will come seek you when he is ready to. Thank you for my Dad and all the good care he gives me; please watch over him and his medical conditions as well. Thank you for the healing hands here on earth that you have provided him with too. Thank you for the Kidney support that you have given him as well. Please watch over my mom, please ease her with her illnesses and help her control her diabetes well and all the things in her daily life too. Thank you for providing her with the things that help keep her busy.
Lord I pray for all those in my Monday Bible Study group. I pray for Christina as she is having a difficult time adjusting with her return from China, please help her in her adjustment and watch over her at this time. I pray for Elliott as he is adjusting to his new job. I pray for Tina as she is about to finish school and has applied for a job in relation to her work, please watch over her and help her in this time as finishing school seems to be very difficult for many. I pray for Keith as he continues to do a wonderful job in the youth ministry, I ask you to continue this work in him. I pray for Ryan as he continues school and finishes that you give him the guidance that he needs too. I pray for Sarah, I think she works too hard, please give her the time to come out to our Bible studies more regularly.
I pray for those that are part of my Young Adult Cancer Network. Please watch over each and every one of the members Lord. For dealing with cancer at a stage when your fighting it is very difficult, but also dealing with life in remission is very difficult too. I pray for each and everyone of them there that you watch over us. Christina, Shuin, Vik, Anna, Ashley, Leah, Manda, Karin, Linh, James, Jared, Jake and anyone I’ve forgotten today. Thank you for giving us Callanish a safe, comfortable place for us to meet each month.
Please watch over Karin, my friends from Camp: Jo Mama, Andrea, Tasha, Jillie, Wendy through their difficult times as they are all dealing with cancer too. Please watch over Laura as she teaches over seas and has had this opportunity to become so much closer to you. Please watch over Crystal as she works over seas, far away from her family. Please watch over Natalie as she is working in Kingston for the army. Please give Erin a safe trip home this coming Thursday, as I am thrilled for her to return home too. I pray Mona, as she has just begun a new job, thank you for helping her land one. I pray for Andrew, as lately it has been a difficult time for him too, please watch over him and guide him in what is to come. I pray for Ryan’s family as they are in Chicago, please take good care of them all: His mom and dad, brother. Lord, I pray for my Uncle Dewey as he will be starting up at the gym soon, please provide him with the motivation to continue going. I pray for Auntie May as she is dealing with family that has mental illness, please shed her the light on what is the best thing to do for the situation. Please continue to give my Auntie Dahlia the strength as she watches over her family. I thank you for all the family you provide me with and all their support.
Lord please also watch over the CB families: Heidi, Chris, Sam, Alicia that I often check up on and help ease them in their difficult times.
Thank you Lord for giving me this life even though it has become very difficult.
Amen.
The week has been an emotional wreck for me. Things appear to have gotten emotionally harder over the past six months. I don’t know why at initial diagnosis things seemed to be so much easier and even during my first six rounds of chemotherapy.
Today I finally thought that things might get better as I was excited for and headed out to the Young Adult Day Retreat at Callanish. Callanish (www.callanish.org) is the new place in which my Young Adult Support Group will be meeting at. It is really a wonderful safe and comfortable place to be. The last year my support group has been looking for a permanent place like Callanish and we’ve finally found it. Our hard work has paid off. However on my way over there I got into a car accident. It was my fault this time. On the other hand hitting the dog the other week wasn’t. I left the house feeling ok today, but on my way over there my mind started wandering again. I was thinking about my grandpa and am still quite shocked over it I guess. I still get very emotional. On the bright side, both parties seem ok: myself and another lady. I know I’m not a bad driver. When fully in mind and body I am a very careful driver. Today my mind wasn’t in tune and from this I learn not to drive when emotionally unstable.
I’m still quite sad about my grandpa’s passing. I was my grandpa’s favorite. My grandma passed away when I was about ten. I remember her and am very thankful for her too, but I don’t remember her to the extent that I remember my grandpa. I know that’s due to having the extra 12 years with him. The past week I keep thinking about all the memories. My grandparents came from Hong Kong to live here with us when I was only 2years old. My parents weren’t able to be home like they are now when we were little due to working hard to support the family, so my grandparents help take good care of us. I believe my grandma and grandpa illustrated how much they cared for my Dad by giving us such good care.
When I was in kindergarten my grandma and grandpa would pick me up from school and we’d go to Chinatown the afternoon, where they’d purchase me these prize eggs from the machine. We would cut the grass and work in the garden together. My grandparents grew a wonderful garden in the back yard. They grew corn, squash, green beans, Chinese veggies and a few other things in the garden. When I was young my grandpa and grandma cooked us dinner. We’d always sit down as a family to eat a full dinner every night, which much of the time consisted of Chinese soup that was cooking all day long. When I was little and didn’t want to sleep alone in my bed I use to crawl into grandma and grandpa’s bed too. He use to make my cousin and I laugh as we pulled a little on his ear and his dentures would pop out, it was like magic. I’m glad that my grandpa was able to see my sister get married. He was very proud of us all. These are just a few of the things that come to mind right away.
This past summer I was able to take my grandpa out for some walks in the sun when Ryan was visiting. Ryan honey I thank you so much for being there with me and taking my grandpa out those times. They were really special to me. I wanted to be able to do that more, but I wasn’t able to by myself.
My grandpa was always home when I was home. I never came home to an empty house. Last night was the first night I was home absolutely alone. The basement feels empty where his room is. I feared this. As my grandpa got weaker these past two years I feared his death. Every time I’d go into his room I felt better knowing that he was ok. I was always worried when he was home alone. He lived a good long life; he was 86 although immigration papers would state he was only 79. I believe that God planned it to happen this way and to happen while I was out of town. It would have been more difficult for me if I were home. My family did a lot of planning and cleaning up while I was away. I really needed the holiday and to see Ryan. The past few months haven’t been so easy.
This has been on my mind all week. The funeral went well on Thursday. In Chinese tradition they have a big dinner after the funeral. The viewing the night before was very hard for me, but my grandfather looked very peaceful. And he’s now reunited again with my grandmother. I would like to post some photos in memory of my grandfather when I have the opportunity to scan some.
Grandpa I miss you and your presence a lot. I love you.
When I arrived home something felt wrong. I saw these little white packages in this bag and then went to my room to open some packages I recieved. I didn't have a great feeling. My sister told me my grandpa past away two days after I had left, which was over two weeks ago. I even thought the thought when I got home even before my sister told me oddly. Ryan knew, but didn't tell me they decided not to and thought it was best so that I would have a good time on vacation. My brother found him. I'm thankful it wasn't me because i don't know what I would of done.
My grandma and grandpa took care of me ever since I remember. And I lived with three grandparents at one point in my life. They loved me so much and I love them so much too. I thank them so much for loving and caring for us. It was hard seeing my granpa get older and weaker. I was afraid to leave him home alone too. All I wanted to do was help him as much as I could. I know he knows I loved him a lot too.
I haven't gone downstairs past my sister's room yet. I'm afraid. The memorial is this Thursday. It's still all soaking in for me. I will update this journal a little more when I'm up to it.
Anyways things have been well. Will be going home in a few days. Things certainly go by fast. Ryan's family is very nice and his mom really likes to cook with me. I learned to make tabouleh and I'll make some for some of you when I get home.
mmm... Nice to have a break from chemo... Mona, see you soon. Hope you were able to get that job. Give me a ring here sometimes I lost your phone number. Karin sorry you're feeling so icky, been thinking about you lots and will call you soon! Tonight hopefully! Christina, found you a little teddy cookies shaper. Dad, Kat, Len hope your feeling better. Erin, glad your enjoying time in Leeds, we definately must take a mini vacation to Saturna when you return. Happy Belated Birthday Will and Happy Birthday to come Daniel. Chrissy, Hola! Miss you guys.
Buenos Dias(Good Morning), from Chicago, los Estados Unidos (United States)! Ryan esta durmiendo. (Ryan is sleeping.) I've already had a shower too! Been hearing a lot more Spanish then I would at home, but still can't understand MOST of it.
Ryan es monstruo galleta. (Ryan is cookie monster.) Hehe. This is what my sister in Vancouver thinks!
I don't know any Spanish grammer and all yet so don't count me on these phrases:) I'm enjoying to learn another language for the first time. Chinese school when I was little sucked. However, being able to speak Chinese doesn't, but that didn't have to do with Chinese school,but rather my grandparents caring for us when we were little. The French system in elementary and high school really sucked and has turned me off from learning French, but I still think it's a beautiful language.
We watched this Spanish movie the other night called habla con ella (Talk with Her). It was really kind of strange. And there were ingles (english) subtitles too so it helped.
The other night we went out to this dance club. Well three of them. The first was actually a part of their Winter Delights program that the mayor has put out. It was an old school music learn to dance thingy at the Park West. It was fun, we stayed for a little while, then headed down to this other place called the Excalibur with Ryan's friend Daniel where they were suppose to have a learn to latino dance/mirege stuff, but that didn't happen. There were mostly cougars there! And lastly we headed to this other club called the Sound Bar. It became packed, but had a tonne of Alternative ppl. Lots of goths, koreans, and a mixture of people! It was fun.
I see a lot of black people here or more politically correct African Americans. I really like it cause it's a change from home where there are so many asians.
Yesterday we rested at home mostly. Went to visit with Ryan's Aunt Nelly. Learned that Ryan will be visiting with his la abuela (grandma) in Columbia sometimes soon too! I'm excited for him:)
Not much more going on. I like it here too:)
Have a Buenos Tardes (Good Afternoon).
Ciao.
I started my Spanish class last Thursday and it was great. It's a good pace with no pressure. It's not like going to school and knowing that you have to do so and so to get a so and so grade to pass. Lesuirly is fun, but also exciting that I'll beable to understand some more when I'm in Chicago with Ryan's family. I have started to study with a girl in my class. Ella se llama Chrissy. We seem to have the same understanding of enjoying the class and time constraints with all else in life. I can tell she is going to be a great study partner:) Maybe one of these days I'll try and write a journal entry in Spanish! WHo knows...
Working a little bit is nice too...
Chemo this past week was nice and fast as well...
The gym has been great. I went to yoga for the first time this past week and it was nice and relaxing and yet challenging at the same time. I enjoy it. I think I will try and continue to go at least once a week to yoga becuase it'll help me gain my strengh and strengthen my inner core. I won't beable to make most of the yoga sessions, but they have another class Mondays that I can make which is similar to that. It's call Fusion, which combines yoga and pilates.
Support group Wednesday night went really well. I'm excited about the new prospective place for our meetings. It's a place called Callenish. Sounds like they'll really help us out, but also allow us to have our own autonomy.
Going to Chicago SOON! I'm excited... I can't wait to see my honey:)
I was HORRIFIED. I hit a dog just 2hrs ago, but it wasn't my fault. The owner even said so. It jump right out in front of my car off his/her leash. I was hyperventilating when I got out of the car. The dog seems like it will be ok. It got up and walked to the side of the grass it was bleeding a littel from the nose or mouth. Some neighbours brought it to the vet. It was totally out of my control, but I still feel bad. I hope the dog will be ok.
The day was going along great till then. I was going to head out to the Plaze club with my friend Jessica. And I would of seen a few others that I also hadn't seen in a while. I've just started to do more things and keep more busy and wham another hoffifying thing happens.
This incident feels just as horrific as my cancer because it's out of my control. I never ment for it to happen and I wish it never did, but I have to remember that I can't change what has happened either.I don't know what else to do. The owners are probably angry even though he knows it was his fault for having his dog off the leash. I don't know that there is anything I can do. I don't know what to do.
Karin brought to my attention that I was also hit by a car quite a few years ago when I was 14 on my way to school. I hope only that this dog will be ok like I am now too. For he also was able to get up.
I really have enough of my own stress in my life. I didn't need to add this one. After I calmed down somewhat I thought to myself I have to get myself together because I need to keep my own health up. I start working agian tomorrow too. I need to keep my strength for chemo and so that I am well enough to go to Chicago.
It's like the car has bad Karma. My sister was in almost a same situation a few years back when she owned the car, but her situation happened about 20/30 meters from my house in the opposite direction on the same street and she hit a little girl that ran out.
I won't be driving down that street for the next little while... I know there isn't anything I can do for this dog. It was not my fault. All I can do is but say prayers that he/she heals. I can't wait to go on Vacation. I wish that it was tomorrow.
I really liked the Cheerful Oncologist's posting "The Conundrum of Remission."
Not only am I recieving targeted therapy in which he speaks about, but my cancer is also chronic. We can coexhist with cancer and I am living proof of it. I absoluty HATE the ignorance of people whom think that cancer is the end of the world. When I first began chemotherapy a little over two years ago and was in a regular blood lab getting my counts taken there was this very ignorant woman. She had no idea of what was going on with me, but she kept rambling on about how she knew a young lady a long time ago, 21 or something that had a certain cancer and died of it. Then she went on to ramble that even with therapy and what not there is no chance of survival. And that it only kills time. If that woman were to step into my space now and say something like that they'll get a mouth full themselves from me.
I agree with the Cheerful Onc in his following quotes...
"The treatment of cancer is changing - from a game of pure chance to a game of skill - a long campaign, with many battles, retreats when necessary, and an ever-shifting strategy against a faceless enemy.
Cancer therapy is not like playing the lottery, won by only a handful. To me it is like a long run to the top of a mountain called Cure. Some patients travel only a short distance before they drop from exhaustion. Others can sprint for miles, barely visible to the eye as they climb upward into the furrows and ledges. Some even reach the summit. All who attempt this ascent, whether it ends close to the base or on the bright peak, deserve to be called the bravest of the brave."
I feel that I've reached the summit and have seen a bright peak. I have remembered to keep climbing even though cancer sometimes interferes.
Cancer isn't a great thing, it's horrible!!! But we can live together with it although it's a bumpy road. A lot of living with cancer is the aspect of having Mind over Matter. "With HOPE all things are possible." It's hard to have a positive attitude all the time, but it's also essential in getting better. The Mind really works with the Body. My friend Karin will tell you so too. He counts dropped from not so bad to low due to a doctor in which just shot her down verbally. A doctor with bad beside manners. I believe doctors should have to take and pass bedside manners 101 before going into practice. I'm so very lucky that my Doctors have so much hope in me, they are really wonderful and I have so much to thank them for as well.
Things look good with chemo. Response is good. My tumor counts continue to drop. It went down from 64 to 50 this time.
I got a YMCA pass. Hopefully put it into full swing asap. However I still have this little cold and the last two days my body feels like it's been hit by a car. Spanish class starts this Thursday as well.
?Como estas tu?
Yo soy la seniorita!
Ryan, mi amor!
Audios!
I've registered for a Spanish class that is once a week for 2hrs. I'll have lots of time to practice at home, which will help keep my busy. It's funny how you find things that will work for you when least expect. It's offered at this Hispanic Community Centre that I didn't even know exhisted, which is really close to my house about a 5min drive. On Commercial btwn 32/33. I'm excited about this.
I'm also looking into maybe getting a YMCA gym pass.
Go into see the Doctor Monday and then for the Herceptin adn Gemcitabine treatments Tuesday. Going to enjoy my time till then. Tis all for now...
PS: Both Andrew and Jenn are friends of mine that have been really good to me ever since I was dx'ed. For those of you locals that intested in gaming or know any one interested in gaming do check out their new business or pass the word along.
www.ground-zero.ca
Good thing it's my week off next week from chemo becuae I really need it. Lately I've felt like it's either I've been running to see the doctor to get my blood done to chemo. And in between that time most of it has been used to spend resting.
I did see Doctor Miller Monday and voiced my concern about the pain I WAS getting in my leg, but she didn't think it was the blood clot because I am still on blood thinners. Only for three more days... Yay! However she will order another doppler ultrasound to just make sure thigns are fine and dandy.
I've just felt lately that I've had all this lost time. On norm I would be running from school to work to having fun, but now it's almost rest, BCCA, rest some more, more BCCA... and so on. I was sick the other night and in bed and began feeling angry thinking abuot the Fears other people have. Fears of what to do after graduation, success or failure of exams, career, relationships ect. These are things I mostlikly feared three years ago.
Do you know what I fear today? I fear chemo not working anymore. I fear that cancer could kill me. I fear have more tumors coming back.
I know however that God speaks of having plans for our lives and trusting in him for what he has planned for us. And I know that at times like this even though I cannot see these plans I know there must be something there for me. i may not see them now, but hopefully a few years down the road. If there are so many years down the road that is... However, I do not fear the little fears in life anymore. If it's one job, school or another it will find you. Or better then that you will find it, eventually. A lot of elders I know mention how what they do isn't what they neccesarily planned, but it happened one way or another and there doing just fine. Or if it's a girl or boy you're awed after just ask them out, the worse thing that could happen is they reject you. It's not like your going to die becasue of it. i feel there is no better time then now to take action if you can that is, because we do live on a timeline.
I just felt angry thinking about these things. It's very difficult sometimes. I don't mean to be angry at anyone else to say. I'm more of angry at the Cancer then anything. Then again when I do speak of these things I just like to be heard, but I'm kind of selective to whom I really share with and if I do share with you you must be pretty special in my life. It's not easy sharing on this issure, cancer, even though it's such a large part of my life. And as I mentioned in previous post about the reactions us cancer patients get from people makes it difficult for us to share as well. And I know often people don't know how to react to such. The other thing is, sometimes things might 'not' be ok. So please don't ensure me that they always are going to be.
Writting my journal allows me to share a little more with everyone else. That's why I do and I appreciate everyone who reads it. I often don't want to talk about my cancer, I'd like people to just know and ask if questions arise, but it's tiring for me to go over and over again with the same stories and my feelings when I drot most of them down here.
I hopped on a plane and flew to another country almost year ago because I was awed. ANd it's bloomed into a beautiful thing. Not to forget to mention I booked a ticket to go to Chicago from Feb 23 - March 12. We get to spend our anniversary together:) My doctor said it would be fine that I prospone my chemo a week. I'll be having my week off from chemo and pushing chemo forward another week so I can have these two weeks off. Dr. Miller even mentioned one time that "sometimes life gets in the way of chemo." I'm working on resting up and getting healthy these next two weeks to ENSURE that I'll be going.
This is just my ranting today. I know it doesn't sound very coherant, but I'm sure you'll piece it together.
My point today is... Just to Enjoy your life today and worry less about the little things that will be ok. Often people wonder how come I'm always so happy when I'm out and about. I'm happy to beable to be there and doing my out and about things that's why. No point in frowning it utilizes way more energy.
I just somehow I came upon this site and couldn't stop reading. For my cancer buddies I know you'll find it most interesting as well. The thoughts of an Oncologist, I often wonder what my Onc is thinking...
http://thecheerfuloncologist.blogspot.com/
Today I dreamt I was in for another big surgury. I'm not sure what it was for, but basically the same sort of deal with the three surguries that I had. There were a couple of other ladies in my hospital room. One in which she had three little babies in her bed with her that she was caring for. Anyhow, I kept thinking to myself I have this class to attend that same day for I had already missed too many classes and I had to go. And somehow I got up and went without checking out from the hospital. I thought I could just leave for a bit. I then began interacting with the all so many differnet people you meet at school which I really miss. Then after class I got back to the hospital and they were frantic of where I had been. Then I saw these other doctors. They were like we have to talk to you about your chemo drugs. And began speeling off about differnet side effects of the Gemcitabine. Then he was like I have to show you one of my cases and he pushed this big bookcase aside and opened this trapped door. There there was a big hairy monster, in which he mentioned he doesn't know what goes wrong with it sometimes.
Then I woke...
My energy is very low. I had gone out with Karin in the morning to get her hair cut in gastown and out for some lunch prior to chemo. And that basically did it for me! Just walking around doing little things gets me tired. I slept for quite a few hours after I got home from chemo. I was then over at my sisters house for dinner and helped my dad and will do some cleaning up of the apartment next door. What a cute little place it could be, but what a mess of colors it is right now!
Like Karin mentioned to me yesterday. I do chemo as if it were just another task of my day. And it really is. I try not let it stop me from doing other thigns if I can. I however have failed to realize till now that it does contribute A LOT in the fatigue and lack of energy I have. I really wish it didn't, but it does, which often makes my life frustrating.
I don't think I'll beable to snowboard this season due to the lack of energy. If walking around the morning gets me exhausted, I could only imagine what an afternoon or evening on the slopes would do to my body.
I was productive today. I went out to fourth ave and finally exchanged a Christmas gift that was a bit too small. I walked around there for a good hour and a half. It was the first time I've been out on my own in a long time and the first time I've driven in the snow. These days I've been afraid to go out on my own. I don't know if it's because I haven't been well now that I think about it starting in June right after relay. Health... cancer wise it's been tough. First it was the fluid returning and more chemo, then it was increasing tumor markers, chemo not working, blood clot, change in chemo, colonoscopy, tumors, surgury, healing from surgury, more chemo, batholin's abcess, still chemo and now sleepless nights too.
I only hope that 2005 will be a little easier.
I've been getting some sore legs at night in bed, partially due to why I probably can't sleep. Or more like the feeling of having exercised all day long, but it's not like I run 5-10k anymore. So I don't understand. I guess it could be the effects of the Gemcitabine.
My bowels have not been functioning the greatest I'm not sure if it's because of the antibiotics, which I hope it is or from the surgury. I'll have to give it a little more time. My doctor says I shouldn't loose anymore wieght. Not that I can't shed a few pounds cause I'm no where near a skinny person, but this is not the right time. And I haven't been trying to loose weight for I haven't done any real physical activity in months. It concerns me a little. I think I've become weaker becaus of it. I guess my body is utilizing it's stored fat these days.
I have to remember to mention sleeplessness to the doctor as well as the sore legs and my concerns of the wieght loss too.
I'm thinking about maybe starting work again. Be it one or two days a week only for a few hours. At times I think it's a great idea at others I ponder if I can do it in conjunction with treatment and all else that may come my way. I don't think I'm going to take that class this semester. I just don't want to bother with school.
It was very nice to visit and see Karin today too.
Thank you for all of you who keep updated with me. I know there are lots of you out there that I don't talk to often. I really appreciate your support. It's often hard for me(someone with cancer) to talk about what's been going on especailly with those that don't understand. We(cancer patients/survivors) get a lot of different reactions from people. There are those out there that seem to be afraid of us after they know we have cancer. Or there are those that act as if the cancer is nothing. Sometimes we like to just be heard and state this is what is going on. I am not asking for pity of any sort. A lot of the times I know that people don't know what to say. For me... my cancer is a HUGE part of my life and I'd like people to be aware of it, but at the same time I'm a person just like any of you without the cancer. I like to have fun, joke around, continue working and going to school, and go out and do those everyday things when I am able to.
Karin is reading a book called 'There's no place like Hope.' She read me bits and pieces and I could relate to a lot of what she was reading to me. I'm going to get a copy because I think it'll be a good read and a good addition to my library and lending out to others. It's a book that sheds light on what a cancer survivor goes through. I think it would be a great read for anyone out there. I know I don't like to be told that I look great. Especailly when I feel shitty inside. It talks some about the things people say... the right things and the wrong things. And much much more. The next time someone ask me how I've lost weight I'll tell them to go on the chemo/cancer diet.
That's my ranting for this morning...
I decided to wait till yesterday(Tuesday Jan 3rd) to go to the clinic when everyone was back from holiday and I saw Dr.Finlayson. She is one of the nicest doctors ever that now works along side with Dr.Miller. She's smart, pretty, caring I think her husband is a very lucky man.
I finally had the chance to know what was wrong. She took one look and stated that I had a Bartholin's Abcess. This is non cancer related, which I figured because of it's quick onset. I think thats what Dr.Pike might of mentioned feeling by the labia in the summer. The gland had gotten clogged up like a pimple on someones face. Apprently this is a very common gynocological problem among a lot of women. Dr. Finlayson mentioned that it was the most common gynocological problem she saw while she worked in the ER.
My left labia was inflamed, I would even say doubled. It was fluid filled and infected(that could be seen/smelt after removal of fluid). In women that have no access to medical help like those in third world countries many get this very discomforting gyno prob. The abcesses then grow so large that they burst on their own. This is not something that dr's are worried about cuase it's natural.
I myself however don't know how I endured the pain for so many days. I guess I have a very high pain tolerance. It came to a point where I did not want to walk anymore nor could I even sit. The doctor was amazed at how many days I had endured the pain and mentioned that most women don't last more then two minutes. She said "You're the bravest girl I know."
To remove me of all the pain Dr.Finlayson consulted with Dr.Miller to see if it was best that I had the mini operation either right there at the clinic in the room we were or if I should go to the ER OR where it is more proper for them to do it. The ER OR would of taken hours to get to and to do where as doing it at the clinic was a lot easier. So that is where it was done. It was only about a less then 5min procedure after they set it all up. I got some local and the doctor made an incision where the abcess was and I could feel all the fluid ouzing out. With one hand I covered my eyes and the other held the nurses hand throughout the whole procedue. Boy do I feel sooo much better today.
That is my news from the last few days. I'm still weak and need a lot of rest. My whole family is now sick with something and I'm hoping that I don't catch it, but possibilities are slim that I don't get it at the rate I have been going.
For those of you that know me you might have had the chance to meet my good friend Karin. She didn't get good news today. Her cancer has returned. Reoccurance for a cancer patient IS one's worst fear come alive. I know exactly how scared Karin is and at the sametime thinking about all possible things one must to in order to prepare and get it beat. I ask for everyone out there that reads my journal to alongside the prayers for me please say them for Karin and her family as well. I know that enties to my guestbook are always comforting so please do also visit her journal and leave her some supporting notes.
www.caringbridge.com/canada/karin
Phillipians 4: 10-13
"I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned but have had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."
I’m doing overall very well. I had a fever yesterday, which was probably due to too much activity and a lack of resting over the past week. A little bit of complications with the digestive system due to the removal of five feet of my colon, but I’ll get use to it as I figure out what is good for my body and my diet. I find that I cannot eat regular sized meals anymore for they make me feel sick afterwards. I eat bits and pieces throughout the day; therefore ya’ll will be seeing me nibbling lots.
The Christmas Holiday was awesome. As most of you know Ryan was here, which made it even more special. I know that some of you think that I’m a nut pursing a long distance relationship, but I’m not I swear. It’s amazing when you find a connection and level of understanding between yourself and another individual. We can share almost anything. And he’s starting to get to see what it’s really like to live here in my kooky house. HeheJ I’m comfortable around him. He takes very good care of me while he is here and also tolerates my grumpiness when it comes out! I love you lots sweetie and I miss you already.
The holiday began with my baptismal December 19th. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to do so, but thanks be to God and physically healing quite quickly I had the energy to do it. I covered up my incision with some transparent tape and everything was ok. The testimonial part of it was very emotional for myself. I got to share this wonderful day with my cousin Natasha as well. Thanks to my friends and family for coming out to this special day of mine. I will add my testimonial to the end of my journal entry. That evening consisted of my church Christmas concert, which was a great production once again.
Ryan and I decorated a mini tree with a popcorn string and mini ornaments. It is so cute. We checked out a little puppet play about post feminism up on Main Street one night, which was very interesting. Spent some time with my sister’s church family at a little potluck. We also went out to Gastown one day and to the Harbour Centre Lookout, followed by some Christmas shopping at Pacific Centre and dinner at Aqua Riva. Christmas Eve consisted of resting, a Candle Light Service and family dinner. Christmas was grand, visiting a few friends first and then headed out to my aunt and uncles for the evening. It’s awesome being able to spend time with the family and friends. We ate we played we sang we ate some more and we played some more. The Christmas Season isn’t a time in which is about presents for me anymore. It’s a time for me when we gather to spend time with family and friends to remember the gift that God provided for us his Son to the earth to give us everlasting life.
Post Christmas did some hanging out with friends. Watched some theatre sports and just had fun hanging out and relaxing. Even drove up to Cypress one afternoon. Ryan left on the 28th, but I know he’ll be back sooner then I think. Or maybe I’ll be well enough to travel sooner then I think. I can’t believe that yet it’s been another year gone by. It has been a really ‘Wonderful’ year even though it has been a hard year for me. I don’t take my life for granted and I enjoy every moment of it that I can. Some of you wonder why I’m happy most of the time, well I’m happy to be here and begin another year. I hope that everyone had an enjoyable and memorable holiday season as I have. I wish everyone good health and a Happy New Year to come.
“For God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten son that whomever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life” John 3:16
MY BAPTISM TESTIMONIAL (December 19th 2004)
I’ve been coming to Ruth Morton ever since I can remember. Over the many years I have to thank all the Sunday School Teachers and Leaders that have had the patience to provide me guidance and teach me what I know about the Lord Jesus Christ and the bible today. I do not exactly remember when, but sometime at a young age I accepted Christ in to my life.
There then was a time when I was not sure what I was going to church for. I thought maybe it was the church I was going to that it was too small and that there were not enough young people. Eventually, I realized that it is not about how big the church one goes to, but how I am able to help serve God and utilize what the church already has to offer in helping to serve God. Ruth Morton may be a small church, but the people that attend here make it the wonderful church it is, devoting the lives to God.
Three and a half years ago when I had just turned 19 I was hit with illness. Not just any illness, but Cancer. Every cancer patient remembers milestones regarding their cancer diagnosis and treatment. I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer August 16th 2001 and two days later had my first major surgery. Over a year later, November 15th 2002 my Oncologist told me that I was right and there was something wrong again. That day I was told I had reoccurrence. Four days later I had my second major surgery. Then I was with my sister December 10th 2002 and recall being informed I’d start chemotherapy exactly a week before Christmas. I cried for a week and couldn’t bare the thought of loosing my hair.
I have now grown all my hair back, but I have still been fighting hard with constant reoccurrences. I was just in for my 3rd major surgery a week and a half ago, which was very successful. I prayed, when I was afraid and when I was thankful for it to be over. I prayed a lot before surgery, a lot after surgery while receiving my blood transfusion, and a lot as my body still continues to heal. I am able to find calmness with prayer and to know that God is always there to listen to me. These days I pray about anything and everything to God, wherever I may be, be it the things I’m afraid of or thankful for.
Yesterday December 18th marks two years since I have started chemotherapy and I still continue to receive treatment. Today, December 19th 2004 will mark a new kind of milestone for me, nothing to do with my Cancer treatment or diagnosis. When I was younger I had never felt the desire to fully devote myself to God. I was not sure why I needed to do it nor did I feel that I wanted to then. Today is different, today marks the day in which I have chosen to fully devote my life to the Lord and have everyone here be my witness.
God works in many ways. Sometimes I’m not sure about all the things that happen in my life, but I know he has plans for me. As it states in one of my favorite verses Proverbs 3: 5,6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will lead your paths straight.” Although the past couple of years have been really rough God has provided me with support network that consist of absolutely amazing people. I know he provides for me when I need it.
Throughout the past three and a half years I’ve realized how important God needs to be in my life. He carries me when I am weak and has given me the strength to get through my trials and tribulations and has brought me here in front of you today. My father was very ill over seven years ago and today is doing well. I wanted to thank the church family for all your support and prayers for my father then, for myself now, and the continual thoughts and prayers for my family. Furthermore, I hope to be able to help in sharing Gods word with others as I continue to learn more about it.
PS: I have added some new pictures.
As for surgury it went really well. I was really nervous going in, but I was so happy when I was consciouse again. It was just a little over two hours long. The doctors removed about five feet of my colon which had two tumors, one on each end. They thourally checked the rest of my colon to find no more tumors. I'll require to get vitamin B5 shots I'm not sure when, but the portion of my colon they removed apprently absorbs that. My surgury team was entirly estrogen filled, not one man in sight. There were seven members, my oncologist and surgeon, her fellow, two anethesis, and three nurses. They were also able to avoid a colostomy, I was thrilled with that!
After surgury I required a blood transfusion, which consisted of three pints of blood. Apprently I was pail and my hemoglobin was probably way low. This is why I urge blood donation if your able to do so. I know a few other people that have also required transfusions. I truley believe that the gift of life is better then anything else you can really give someone. I thank those that donate blood and those that are also organ donors.
I was in hospital for six days. There were the ups and there were the downs in there. I had a real sweet roomate. She was an older lady and her name is Yvonne. She had a real cute family too: Husband, Children, Grandchildren ect. She helped make my stay better. I usually prefer no roomates, but this time it worked well. We both got to go home on the same day and I thought that was really nice because we were both so happy to leave.
Thank you everyone that visited me while I was there and helped me in anyway. I also thank all those for your prayers. I highly believe in the power of prayer. I prayed before surgury. After surgury in recovery. In my hospital room and at many times when I couldn't sleep or just felt I needed to talk to someone. It really helps me.
I was at the clinic yesterday and had my staples removed and stery strips put in places instead. My incision is a little different from my past two operations. It still runs the same way it's just a little higher and a little longer. The nurses and doctors say it's healing well and no sign of infection by the incision.
I also had chemo done yesterday and was in clinic for a few hours. I did get a nice knitted blanket and teddy from the stay at the clinic. There was a volunteer Christmas team that came by to spread cheer to us patients.
I've been resting lots and have been doing what I can at home here. Still in pain, but controlling it with a combination of T3's and Oxycodon. I'm looking forward to Christmas and Ryan's arrival in two days.
If I feel well enough I still hope to get baptized this Sunday, but I'll give it a few more days and see come Saturday night how my incision and all is.
I finally can EAT!!! And I may beable to snowboard come January or Febuary!!!
I wanted to say a BIG special Thanks to my Dad for being there and doing so much for me. I Love You:)
I'm really hoping that they won't have to perform a colostomy on me, but it's still a possibilty. They may have to make a larger incision then they have proir too.
A week after surgury I'll be in for more chemo too.
Ryan comes Dec 17th so I am looking forward to that.
I don't know what I'm so afraid of. I'm just afraid, but I know this needs to get done.
I wish I could have a so called 'normal life.'
I don't have a whole lot of energy to talk these days. Please don't call me if I haven't heard from you in years or have very sincere feelings/thoughts.
Sunday, November 21, 2004 0:13 AM CST
It's been getting really cold...
Going in for my colonoscopy on Tuesday which I'm really nervous about. I have to fast and take some laxitives on Monday, but I think I may just start doing the clear fluid thing tomorrow so that my test will turn out as well as it can.
Good news my tumor marker had declined from 3400 to 1800 after two rounds of Gemcitabine. Normal range is about 30. This chemo is making my body a lot weaker tho. Last year this time we started snowboarding. I think I'll have to give that up for the seasaon, unless maybe a blood transfusion comes to play. My counts are quite low, the lowest they've really ever been. I don't go out much. Even 30mins has been a lot of work these days.
I did check out this fab fair with Karin today, but I'm also nervous about going out where there are a lot of people and people that maybe sick. Ohh one thing... please be considerate and if your do stay away from me. My immune system can't handle those things.
I've been working on my Baptism homework when I can.
My stomach around the bowel area hasn’t been feeling good the past couple weeks and what they see in the bowel probably correlates with what I feel.
My doctors have decided to change my chemo. I am now receiving one called Gemcitabine. I received my first dose yesterday and continue to once every week for three weeks having one week off. I’m still getting the Herceptin in conjunction with the Gemcitabine. The difference with the drugs I am/was getting is that the Gemcitabine fights enzymes and proteins where as the Carboplatinum fought DNA. The Taxol I was getting initially with the Carboplatinum fought the DNA tails.
My hemoglobin has been quite low as well at about threshold level. This why I am so tired all the time, but it’s a side effect to chemo. There is this option of getting hemo-something I can’t remember the name boosters, but it’s basically out of the question because their so expensive, thousands of dollars a month. Eventually if my hemoglobin gets so low the other option is to get a blood transfusion in order to help boost me hemoglobin back up.
If you can donate blood is not a hard thing only takes a few minutes. I’ve been with Erin a few times to keep her company. I’ve always wanted to do it, but my blood is no good to donate because of the cancer. The body recovers the pint you donate in one day. And if you think about it you could be helping someone like me.
I was also given the option of getting a portcath in my chest so that getting an IV started would be easy. Since I’m getting an IV started on a weekly + basis. I’m not so keen on getting one if I don’t need it. Most of the time the nurses get an IV started on the first poke.
Going in for chemo this afternoon.
My body is still really weak and it's been very hard to get it going. I don't think I've watched so much television in such a long time. Nor slept so much. I did go for a walk today with Erin and was impressed how far we got. As I was walking to Erin's I thought to myself even though I'm not able to really travel afar these days. I am really lucky to live in Vancouver where it's so beautiful. After all it is Beautiful British Columbia.
My stomach hasn't been feeling entirly right or maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me. Or maybe it's the heparin shots. I'm not sure. I go see Dr.Miller Monday and in for treatment the two following days.
Not much going on in my life really except for trying to keep this bordem under control.
Friday night was fun too when we had a few friends over for fresh homemade wonton! It was great just to all help out making dinner as well! Never fails! They were sooo YUMMY!
Tonight we were over at Auntie May and Uncle Dewey's for a last minute dinner cause Ryan's here and it was great. I know that everyone likes him just as much as I do.
Ryan's been great in giving me my heparin shots. I'm still too chicken to poke myself. I'm still really tired tho and have some pain in my leg (not as bad as last week), which is frustrating, but even though I know I can still do things I just have to make sure I rest between all the things that I do. There is no point in me dewelling on the fact that I can't do somethings when there are other things I can still do and these things that I can't do now will just have to wait till my energy is back.
Not much else happening. I'm happy:)
I think that some people will just never understand how serious my cancer unless it kills me. Having to go in for treatment every three weeks isn't easy and on top of that looking forward to always feeling tired and crappy after the treatment. What fun is that.
It was nice to see my family yesterday although I didn't really have much of a chance to converse with them even. I was much too tired. Seeing Lynn and Al's baby Emily really made my day. She's a sure cutie and brightens up a room. They adopted her from China about over a year ago and the love they emmit to her is amazing. They both inspire me for that one day I can do that myself too.
I still have this pain in my leg, but it's gotten better since I've started getting the heparin shots. I'm trying not to take any pain killers if I don't have to.
Going to see Dr.Weiss (a doc I haven't met yet) tomorrow at the Fairmont medical building. I'm not completely sure why, but Dr.Pyke made these orders. I think it has something to do with my last CT scan I'll see tomorrow. Maybe about that pertruding bone they noticed? I dunno... then again I don't know why there are so many things wrong with me.
I've been thinking maybe I shouldn't even work the next few months as great as my work and the people there are. I am thinking I should just COMPLETELY work on ME and maybe put forward sometime on volunteer work. I've been so frustrated lately.
This is another thought I've had the last few days. Cancer really is such a terrible sentance. And no one really knows why good people get it. And then I thought then there are all these terrible people out there murderer's, child molesters, robbers ect. Too bad it's a sentence that we couldn't impose on bad people because I think it sure would be a good one. Anyways that's really something I shouldn't be thinking...
Ryan's comming tomorrow night for a few days. It was either he comes here or we'd have to wait till Christmas. And a few days is better then none and so really worth just a few hundred dollars.
Monday, October 11, 2004 1:47 PM CDT
It's Thanksgiving today, but I've never really liked the damn day. It always means a BIG dinner at my house just because my damn mother wants one. Like 50 people. I don't mind having my family, but all the sorts of people that she invites is a whole nother thing. She never thinks of the family in this sense. It's her way or the highway. She really absolutly has no idea what I am going through. And she really has never been here for me or any of my siblings. She doesn't understand what a crummy week I've been having and how sick really have been. Just because she has mental illness she thinks that she can get away with anything. Fuck that!!!
I really hate my mother at times. I mean it. HATE!
I can't believe that she's so insensative enough to mention that I have been dealing with cancer the past three years that I should beable to deal with it now. What does she know. living with a nut case isn't easy for the rest of the family either.
I'd move out if I were healthy enough. I really would. I'm more then capable enough of taking care of myself.
I found out the other day that the pain in my leg is a blood clot. Very greatful that it wasn't more cancer. Getting heparin shots everyday now for three months and hopefully that will resolve it.
I'm really frustrated these days. With illness and everything in life.
I’ll start with something happier! I did some scrapbooking with Christina Sunday before everything got really crazy. I scrapped one simple page. We went to Michaels to pick up a few things. The one in West Vancouver just opened up and they had this massive sale. I came out with a scrapping luggage! It was only 67$ all including tax, regular price 130$, but we got 60 ff! Hehe… I just love it. Now I can store all my goodies in the case and travel to Christina’s house with just one bag instead of plenty. And then to top it off Christina and her Mommy made wontons for dinner! Nothing better then homemade wontons. They were so yummy. I hadn’t eaten ones that tasted so good in a long long time. Christina’s parents are really cute and sweet. And I think this is partially why Christina is so sweet too! Christina I’m so very thankful that you are such a good friend to meJ
Anyways now goes onto Monday…
I had my doctor’s appointment Monday and what a scare I had. I explained to my Dr.Pike about all these symptoms I’ve been having. A little shortness of breathes sometimes and the leg pain/cramping that also is in the lower back. And how long they have been persisting ect. I was supposed to have my CT Scan last week, but they didn’t book me in! The doctor was a little disappointed about that too because they didn’t even call her to tell her that they didn’t book me in like they told me they would (the booking people). The doctor thought that the symptoms could have been cancer in the lymph nodes, which was pressing against the nerve causing the cramping/pain in the leg. So she decided to prospone my treatment because there is no point continuing the treatment that I am on if it’s not working. She mentioned to me about switching to Taxol, one of the initial treatments I was on, the one that made me loose all my hair. Or she also mentioned that there are plenty of protocols out there that I could try. However in the end I would want to have the one’s that is going to work the best in blasting the cancer away. They sent me up for a chest x-ray and that turned out clear! What a day! I was an emotional wreck…
Tuesday…
I was scheduled for a CT Scan 4:20. Mona and my Dad came with me. They make you drink that radioactive crap three times. And A LOT of it, not just a wee bit. The night before, an hour before the appointment and just right before the appointment. Yuk! Mona wheel chaired me up to the scanning area and kept me company while my dad parked the car. Thanks Mona for being so supportive! I did the scan and my doctor told me to make sure they paged her so she could have a look at it right away. They did that and she came down as soon as she could to tell us the results. The scan was overall clear. They did not see anything in the lymph nodes and nothing like that touching the nerve. What a relief. There was however a little piece of bone that was protruding, I still have to get this part a little clearer from her. She didn’t seem concerned about it though. She mentioned that it looks like something that people may have from birth. The lining of my bowel seems a little thick, but she mentioned that this has been consistent with my scan from January. However she wants to have a better look at it and she mentioned me having a colonoscopy in the near future. Fun fun that’s going be.
The leg pain is still an unsolved mystery. I've been limping now since Saturday from what I can remember. The doctor was concerned that it could be a blood clot, but it doesn’t appear to be a normal of one. Since I’ve had this continuing crap/pain for the last three weeks now. Usually when someone has a large clot your leg will swell up a lot and I don’t have a lot of swelling. However it could still be a little one. I’m going in for a Doppler ultrasound of the leg tomorrow to see what’s going on in there. I personally am hoping that it’s a little blood clot so that at least we’ve figured out what it is. And then they can give me blood thinners to fix it. This leg has been a pain in the ass for the last three weeks. And the pain in the ass part is not just literal! I really can’t wait to get it figured out.
I’m scheduled to get blood work done tomorrow morning at 9am, then in for chemo at 11am, and then in for my ultrasound at 2:30. It’s a full day at the clinic.
I have been home ridden the last few days. Watched a little food TV today, did some cross-stitching, and sleeping.
I don’t know if I’ll be going to visit Ryan next week. It’s kind of up in the air as much as I would really like to. I’m afraid to go away from home and not having my medical help with in arms reach. If it’s a leg clot I will most defiantly not go because it not good to fly because of one. I mentioned to him that maybe he can come here for a few days instead since he has two extra days off for reading break he can come for about five days. It will be a lot less days then I had planned to go, but something is better the nothing and is much better then something going wrong being far away and in another country.
Really sucks to be me right now. Blah!
I've mostly been working and just resting. I've been going scapbooking nuts shopping with Christina. We got to visit a few stores now and have planned to start actually doing some scrapping Sunday. I'm getting my tools ready. I drove over the Lions Gate Bridge to North/West Van for the first time by myself yesterday! yay me:)
I still have this ache in my lower left back and muscles cramping in my left leg/calf. It's been two weeks now. I was hoping it would be gone by now! I'll mention it to the doctor again on Monday. I'm starting to wonder if it was the lack of potassium or is it something else? Anyways as I said I'm going to see the doctor Monday and in for treatment Tuesday and probably Wednesday. I'm hoping they'll divid my treatments into the two days. They've only booked a time for Tuesday so far. However I was suppose to go in for a CT this week too, but since there so booked up I haven't been able to get in. I'm always having to work around the appointments that they have scheduled for me!!!! grr... I do them cause it's important.
I'm going to visit Ryan in Cleveland Oct 13-24. yay!
My year began with Camp Mak – A – Dream to school to Chicago to Montreal to Fundraising for Relay to Chicago again to Relay to more school to Ryan Visiting Vancouver & chemo, getting ill, working and having fun all in between. Then there has been all the stuff the past couple weeks.
Anyways, yesterday morning I made the decision that I’m not going to go to school this semester at all. A week ago it began with just going to take two courses, then the one and now none. I was just not happy going to school this semester. It didn’t feel right. I need the mental and physical energy that went into school to just getting more physically strong. I don’t need to exert my energy to think about homework, deadlines, exams and just having to deal with professors and the school. It takes a lot of energy that I don’t have. My body is probably the weakest it’s ever been in the last two years since I began chemo. I think it’s the combined effects of chemo as well the combined efforts of all the times I’ve been ill the past couple of months.
I feel like there has been a big weight dropped off my shoulder. This will be the first semester I take OFF of school. Since I’ve been diagnosed Aug 2003 I went back to school fulltime for a year and took a summer course that following summer as well. The next fall I relapse while in school. I still continued to complete my courses the following semester and again took another course in the summer. I’ve realized that I have never taken a semester off. Either I was taking a course or finishing a course that I was taking because I was interrupted by illness. This will be my first semester off! Yay! It’s a little strange and new, but also exciting. Schools has been my life ever since kindergarten.
I’ll still be working with the PDG. Since I’ve started working at the clinic I think dental assisting is a great program for me to go into and it pays decently. I’m looking into doing the distance education route, which I can start at anytime or there’s the ten-month program that begins next September, but it might be a little intense with everything going on. Working at my own pace would be a good thing with my chemo and doctors appointments. The only thing I worry about is not getting any work done. I’ll have to have some self-discipline and try to get a course done once a month or something. Getting the clinical experience now will certainly help and everyone at work I know will most defiantly support me too. I feel really lucky having been working there the past couple years. It’s like another family. The people are great.
Going to start yoga on Monday with Karin! Thinking about visiting Ryan October 13-24/25 now that I don’t have to worry about school. And it’ll be long enough after chemo and before my next chemo.
Please do say a few extra prayers for Ryan and his family too. It hasn’t been such a chipper few days for Ryan either. He’s in Chicago for the weekend. One of his cousins is in hospital with some serious injuries. He also has family in Iraq that’s going through some tough times too.
Thanks for keeping posted.
I had to drag myself out of bed this morning to attend class. I had been feeling crummy all weekend. I felt like I was puking to death Saturday night. I don’t know if I caught a stomach bug or if it was the combined chemo that has been making me feel so crummy. I slept probably a good 15 hours yesterday and didn’t eat and drink. Which probably didn’t help because I felt dehydrated this morning. I have to call the doctor to let her know how I have been feeling. I can do that tomorrow…
I don’t think I’m going to continue taking this Urban Geography course. The professor is an American and all he really talks about is New York and those parts of America. The text we are using is called Canadian Cities in Transition, but no real words about Canada yet. I could barely sit through that class today, my feet, my clothes were all wet and I was cold. I could no longer stay at school feeling so crummy so I decided to take the bus home and skip Spanish which I didn’t really want to, but all in all it’s better that I don’t catch a cold or something then stay a few more hours for another class which I would probably struggle through because I was cold and wet.
I’m deciding from this point on I’m just going to take Spanish this semester. And use my Monday and Wednesday mornings for swimming and yoga. Working is so much easier then going to school right now.
I forgot how horrible it is to take the bus in the rain. And they’ve changed the damn bus route at school. I don’t know what there doing to that place. Since I’m only going to take this one class I think I’m going to start driving to school. It’ll probably cost me about $6 to park, which isn’t so bad because it then helps compromise for my comfort sake. And that’ll only be $12 a week. It’ll save me trekking in rain and catching a cold from being out in the cold.
Probably won’t go see Ryan the dates that I have planned, but rather for a shorter period like 4-5 days some weekend. Not exactly sure when yet. I hate to be all crummy while I’m there and have to subject him to my grumpiness.
To sum things up “Crummy” is how I’ve been feeling. I think I have to allow my body to rest. I’m so used to doing so much stuff. And my mind believes that I can do all that stuff too. My body is being injected with toxins that are killing the bad cells and the good cells and I still expect myself to work at a level I use to, but I really shouldn’t. I need to learn to accept that my body isn’t as strong as it once was, but I can work on that by allowing it to rest more and strengthening my muscles.
I’m looking forward to doing some scrapbooking stuff with Christina sometimes in the near future. Christina you’re my new Scrappie buddy:)
PS: Please do leave a note in my guestbook. I really enjoy reading your entries and now know some of you that I didn't know read it do so:) Thank you for keeping informed with my life even though I don't see many of you often. And even for those of you that I have never met.
I went to school on Wednesday and that felt a little strange at times. Sometimes I wonder what I do there becusae the other students I talk to. It's all there doing. But I often think in class should I really be here. Or why do I feel so different coming back to school then I use to? My health now a days is my first and formost priority. It's what keeps me alive if I take good care of it. Classes seem like there going to be good. My Urban Geog class seems very interesting combining some text book explanation with contemporary issues like 9/11 or the war in afganistan. And Spanish seems like it's going to be a lot fun as well. Although it will be a lot of work! My Spanish teacher likes to talk a lot in class which I really like becuase I don't think it's worth while just to learn the written gramtical parts of a language. I think I'll use it much more if I knew how to actually speak it:)
I will indeed however finish my degree even if it takes me another five more slow years. I don't think I'd ever really want to do it full time again tho. I enjoy having my time to do all the other things that I do too. I like being able to not worry about school so much and just hang out with my friends. Or be it stay home house cleaning a bit, watching tv, reading, or scrapbooking. Whatever it maybe I like having my time to enjoy them. I very much enjoy exercising too and it's something I MUST bring back into my life! Snowboarding season starts in a few more months too! I can't wait for that. I just hope I have the energy for it, but that probably means I should start some other exercises soon to gear up for the season. I was surprize how much I was able to do last yr.
I saw Dr. Miller Wed and she said that things looked good. My counts were a lot better then they were when they were in the hospital. I have low WBC in the hosp and as well as when I was out, but the last blood test I had showed that they lay in a normal range. Not quite as normal as the average person, but not bad for someone on chemo I guess. I do know however by the way I feel that my body hasn't come back to what it use to be. The little growths she saw on the cervix seem to be gone and they believe thats the work of the chemo, mostlikly the carboplatinum.
I went in thursday and got both my Herceptin and Carbo treatments on the sameday which was really nice becuase I didn't have to go back the next day! I'm not entirly sure why they gave it to me on seperate days. I got it on the one day because of a mix up with scheduling and the pharmacy had already mixed my drugs. The nurse did say they did that so they could monitor I how I reacted to each drug. Otherwise if I got a reaction they wouldn't know if it was the one or the other, but I have been on these two chemos for almost a year. And on chemo for two years. I spoke to a woman that was getting treatment at the sametime as me. And she was telling me how one nurse said that the one treatment she was getting was like $3000 a bag. I now wonder how much all my treatment has totaled up to. I feel so lucky not having to deal with paying for treatment like they do in the states. My family would be in total debt. With my mom and all her medications and my dad with his kidney transplant and all his med's too. And then myself with all the crap that I've had the last three years. And my sister breaking her ankle a while back. Our house would probably be under many many mortgages!!!! I dunno... just glad to have a Universal Health Care System.
I'm trying to stay home and rest a little more. I think this is what contributed to my fatigue the last couple weeks. I wasn't really listening to my body and going out when I probably shouldn't of. At a time when my body was trying to heal my blood counts and stuff!
Looks like I'll be going to Cleveland to see Ryan October 7-17 too! yay...
PS: Please do leave a note in my guestbook. I really enjoy reading your entries and now know some of you that I didn't know read it do so:) Thank you for keeping informed with my life even though I don't see many of you often. And even for those of you that I have never met.
I also go in for more chemo on Thursday and Friday. Work, school, doctor, and chemo… it’s going to be a darn busy week. We’re also having our support group meeting this coming Wednesday night. I can’t wait till we really get our group going and more settled down. It’s wonderful be able to connect with other people in the same situation and yet sometimes it makes it harder too. Sometimes it’s harder seeing other people ill. And yet goes for the same when people see me I guess.
I continue to go in for chemo because I know that it helps me. I guess it’s just like a dialysis patient does dialysis because it keeps them alive too. I honestly however am quite tired of it. It’s been almost two years that I have been on chemo and to think that this is a life long thing or unless science comes up with something that can so called “cure” me. It’s not the kind of life that I really wanted to lead. It certainly slows me down a lot in many ways. The fatigue is really bothersome.
I look at many of my friends, the people around me and see them progress with all their dreams. Here I am still pursuing some of my dreams and yet at the same time it is going so very slow. I know that if it were not for the cancer I would have accomplished so many more things quicker. And yet I have to remember all the wonderful happenings and things I have still accomplished despite of everything.
I did hang out with Karin and Christina today, which was really nice. We went out for Mexican lunch on West Broadway and just walked around. We stopped by this candy store! Like being a kid again. I got a little piece of taffy. And I bought Lance Armstrong’s Book I ”It’s not about a Bike” for $9 at a used bookstore. I’ve been wanting to read that for a while now.
I started knitting again to keep me busy. I guess I have just been a little bit down the past while. And it’s ok to every so often grieve the things that I have lost, but also remember to keep a balance and continue to be as happy as I can be and enjoying my life as I try to do.
PS: Please do leave a note in my guestbook. I would really like to know who still reads my journal entries:)
My body hasn't been feeling all the great either. I've had some little sore spots, my right shoulder and my left pelvis. I've found myself holding my stomach sometimes and I'm not sure why. All in all I guess my body doesn't feel that great.
I don't know if it's the lack of exercise that makes me this way. I really ought to get more physically active.
I watched 2 movies for $6 with Karin tonight at the Hollywood Theatre. "Supersize It!" and "The house with the door on the floor" or something like that. Anyways the first movie was just awesome. A documentry about a guy who ate MD's for 30 days. How aweful that stuff is for your body. I really recommend people to watch it. Ryan you should see this! It doesn't mean no more BK for you just less. I'm never paying $14 to watch a movie again!
School starts next week...
PS: Please do feel free to leave a note in my guestbook. I would really like to know who still reads my journal entries:)
My doctors probably would of never discharged me early if they knew I was prancing around town the minute they let me out of the hospital. The evening they discharged me I was eating at the Cactus Club and shopping on Robson. Followed by having cheese fondue the next evening, more shopping and dancing at a night club.
The last friday Len, Ryan and I went to the Capilino Suspension Bridge. I hadn't been in years, but it's a really pretty place to go to. Also if your a resident of BC you only have to pay once a year and can go all year long for free! That evening was Ashely's Keep on Swimming Fundraising Gala at the Pan Pacific Hotel. It was just amazing. Ashley is such an amazing young girl too. Ryan surprized me by bidding on and buying me the Lunch with Friends and a Beach Visit with a Marine Biologist when I mentioned to him that that would be a kewl thing to do.
Ryan left Saturday morning:( There are so many things that I still wanted to show him. Too bad he has to live so far away, but I'm planning on going there in October around Thanksgiving I think.
After all that action I rested for a couple of days. I have been over to the place that Erin is house sitting for a couple times. She's taking care of this monster sized potty trained bunny. It's the same size of the kitty. And it hops around! It's really cute. I want a bunny, but I only say that now. I already have a fish to take care of. It's probably wise that I keep it that way.
I started working again this past Wednesday. I have been working the last three days and I work tomorrow. It's a little depressing to me when I come home and find myself exhausted. I've been having naps in the evening. I used to be able to do so much more and stay up so much longer.
I'd like to start swimming again. And maybe speed walking and then getting back into the jogging. Maybe more exercise will help with the energy levels.
I have recently just though that this next September I might take the Certified Dental Assisting course. I will apply this Spring. I'm not going to totally drop out of UBC however. I still plan on finishing my degree there. I could do that part time as I work after I finish the CDA program. Pam says that I could do my practicum at PDG too. I am a little skeptical tho. I don't know if I'll beable to handle a full time program. It is ten months long. Balancing it with Chemo and Doctors and the rest of my life. I haven't been full time for over two years now. I'm afraid that I would beable to do it and finish it. I think it's the same way Ryan feels sometimes about becoming a nurse, but I guess I'll never know unless I try. I should probably take some of my own advice sometimes.
PS: I added some new photo's
A lot of you probably don't know that I have been in hospital. I just got dischared from hospital today. I was in for about five days. I had these real bad pains while we were away in Harrison for only one night. I felt like I was going to die. The pain came on so quickly. I left feeling just fine friday night, but by that evening I had a stomach ach and Sat morning they just progressed to be worse and worse. I couldn't wait to get home (to Vancouver). It wasn't for quite a few hours before we arrived to the VGH Emerg. I didn't want to go to a hospital away from home becasue they have none of my history and the doctors don't know me. They would of only sent me back to Vancouver aynways. Pain in my abdominal area is never a good thing. I've been up and down with the pain for the last few days. Not only untill yesterday did I stop having the morphene. It's horrible having to inflict pain on yourself in order to have comfort. Thats what I had to do in order to get the morphene. They give it in need form or through the IV, but through the IV it doesn't work as well. So most of the time I opted for the needle for becasue five minutes of pain ment that I could be comfortable for about four hours. I can't even count how many times I was poked in the last five days.
I had some X-rays taken and a CT scan. This time it was bowel obstruction and dehydration like the last time I had a similar episode like this. This time it felt much worse. With all the blood cultures/work and other testing they did they believe that I have an intestinal infection. I was given this really intense antibiotic that the doctor told me they save for only cases that really really need it!!! I do feel a whole lot better since I started getting it a few days ago. I'm now only on a few oral antibiotics for the next two weeks.
The doctor mentioned that this could possibly be a complication of the chemo. My immune sys is down comparitable to the normal person. And I did just have chemo a week ago. But who knows I could of cought it from the pools in Harrison or something. The good thing is they don't think it's the Cancer. I'll be back to see my Oncologist in two weeks time and in for chemo agian.
I'm really sick and tired of getting ill. It's so unfair. I have so many better things to do with my time rather then be sick. *sigh*
It feels soooooooo good to be home. Even though I have been house cleaning almost the moment I got here. Sometimes I don't know how my family lives. Am kind of a neat and somewhat clean freak, but I like it that way:)
Ryan has been wonderful. He stayed with me almost the whole time I was in the hospital. Even when I was grouchy and mean to him. It just shows how much someone really cares for you when they want to be with you even when your sick. On the other hand, if he weren't with me he'd be with my crazy family! hehehe:)
I'm excited about the Keep on Swimming Gala this Friday!
http://www.keeponswimming.ch.vu/
I go in on Monday to see the doctor anyways. And on Tuesday and Wednesday for chemo. Things should be alright.
Ryan arrived this past week. We've been keeping very busy. We were in Victoria the last couple of days and just had a blast. We saw the eternal egypt exhibition, the wax museum and got to ride on a horse carriage. I really liked the carriage ride. I've always wanted to do it and it was just so beautiful. We got back this early evening and watched the fireworks with a couple of my friends. It was an eventful night of screaming at people that did not respect our space by the beach. One girl stepped over me and almost tripped, wearing some little white skirt in which now I can only recognize a ass of!!! It was fun, the fireworks were very nice too...
hmm... am doing ok these days... still not up to par with the energy however...
I went to see Dr. Miller yesterday with the questions that I had. The biggest one was basically what these spots they see on the CT Scans are. She explained them to me as granular spots that are floating either in the fluid and a few in the stomach cavity wall. She explains that they could have been there the last time I had fluid build up, but that they might not have been visible because of the great amount of fluid.
I laid out the question that every cancer patient wonders or ask. I wanted to know if there is a cure for me. And she explained to me that there isn't not untill science comes up with some sort of new protocol that'll suit my situation in which could possibly be a cure. She explain to me that they are treating my case as a chronic illness sort of like diabetes. I could be on chemo for the rest of my life for all I know. She mentioned that there is this lady that has been on a similar protocol as me for about ten years now.
I also had a little biopsy done the last time I was there. They noticed a little growth on the cervix and it is apprently malignent. It's only a little growth right now and they're going to monitor it. She's hoping that with the carboplatinum it will help kill it. We'll see...
Radiation isn't an option for me because in my case since it's not localize and is floating around in the fluid. Plus there are too many side effects that she'd rather me not have since the radiation most likly would not help me any anyhow.
It's funny that Dr. Miller mentioned to me yesterday. She was like, 'Most of your friends probably don't believe you do they.' And I know a lot of you really don't have a true understanding of what goes on with me even though I tell bits and pieces to you. Most of you have never seen what chemo is like and how time consuming taking care of my health is going to and fro to the doctor to lab test ect. The emotions are far beyond what one could really explain and the possibilties that it could kill one.. me. Life is just so much more valuable to me and the little things that people are so concerned about, don't concern me as much.
And I do know when you do see me. I look just like anyone of you. I keep busy... I go to school... I work... I play...
Sometimes it's a little frustrating... Well not just a little...
Anyways, just reviewing and studying for this final exam I have tomorrow. I will be one more class closer to graduation. Ryan comes one week tomorrow! yay!
One of the hardest parts of things is that cancer does kill. And I have a hard time accepting that it could kill me too. I'm not saying that it will, but it's a scary thought.
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow just to ask her a few things that I am not sure about. I have an exam this week that I have to start looking at the material. Will be done the class by mid week tho is the good part.
My dad mentioned last night about one of the patients he was driving home yesterday and she sees a chinese herbalist. I think I might just give that a try too. It doesn't hurt to try. Just to think about how toxic these chemo drugs they give me are already. Yes, they do help fight cancer cells for the time being, but sometimes I wonder how toxic they are for the rest of my body and my poor kidneys. I've decided bare minimal alcohol consumption for me from this point on. Virgin Margerita's and stuff like that for me from now on. And the body is like a plant they both need attention. Must remember to drink lots of water and keep hydrated.
I'm going to walk up to the local mattress shop. I've decided to get myself a new bed. It'll be a good investment since I do sleep on it every night. I'm thinking a double so I don't have to hang my legs off the side anymore and I can spawl. It should just fit in my room if I move the little foam sofa out too. I have this stupid chinese foam seahorse mattress right now. It's like I minus well just sleep on the floor. It was my sisters stupid idea a longtime ago and because I'm the younger one I had to get one too. She doesn't even use one anymore cause she inherited Lennie's nice and Soft Simmons Mattress. Looking at a simple ikea frame too for $199. When I don't feel well I can't seem to sleep well on the hard bed. I end up on the sofa anyhow and it's been quite a few times these past couple years. I'm really looking forward to a new bed!
I know now what it's feels like when people are ill and not wanting to seeing or talking to too many people. Please don't take it personally. This is just what I feel like right now.
Ryan is coming in two weeks and I'm hoping to feel better by then so that we can do all the things that we tentativly have planned, it's been a long time since we've seen each other. I know we'll have a good time whatever it is we're going to do, be it stay at home or go out.
I should get out for a little walk today...
I still wrote my exam Monday and handed in my assignment Wed. Mona went to Treatment with me on Tuesday which was really sweet of her. We also went out for sushi later that evening and we ate this awesome soft shelled crab sushi called the Papaya roll, I totally recommend it. I worked yesterday morning at 6:30 and went to school later in the evening. And worked again this morning at 7:30.
I've realized there really isn't any point in sobbing in my bad news. Although I did do that a lot the past few days. And I find it hard trying to tell people and not have tears come out. I don't know why, just the way my bodies reacting. Ryan is right and that it doesn't help my body anymore thinking about it and feeling sorry for myself becuase it'll only weaken my immune sys and allow for the Cancer to grow more rapidly. I am still living and am able to do the things I want to. Even though they may not be at the capacity I was able to do them at.
Sometimes I don't know if it's the Cancer that makes my body feel weak and sometimes a little bloated in the belly. In June I thought that it was just a tummy upset, but I sometimes wonder if it was/is the Cancer. And I probably sleep, acutally I do sleep more then probably most of you.
I've decided to make some changes in my life. I'm trying to minimize white sugars, white rice, pasta and things like that. As many processed things as I can. I think I truely believe that sugars will fuel the Cancer cells to grow more rapidly too. I believe in that phrase you are what you eat. I am also only going to start drinking water and organic juices. I also am going to try and get out more then I have even though I don't feel so well. I'm going to try to walk everyday. I know that I feel great when I run, it's just my body doesn't have the energy right now, but I'm hoping to build that up again. The local pool isn't so far away either.
I really hope that they aren't running out of options of trying to help treat me. That thought really scares me. I'm going to ask the doctor about any other treatments and maybe radiation. The one's that I am on now basically only help maintain the cancer so that it doesn't attack my body like it would. I hope to one day beable to obtain a state of remission because it's so frustrating not being able to.
Coming up this December will be like two years since I've been on Chemo. It's like a part of my life. The few months last year that I was off it, I almost felt like that is it? what do I do now? And sometimes I don't know if my feelings were right that it wasn't enough...
I hope that you guys can also learn somethings from me too though. Althought all this is going on. I truely believe that I am still happy with my life. I've been happy doing all the things that I have done this year. I try to keep a balance in my life. Work a little, still go to school to fullfill one of my dreams, and play more! Please remember that your life isn't all about your work and I hope that you all can be happy doing all the things that you do becasue life really is too short to be doing thing that make you unhappy.
No one said life is fair, but we can make do the best we can with it and do the things that make us happy. We are in control of our own happiness and no one else.
I'm not sure what else to say at this point.
I still have a long busy week ahead of me.
In this dream my car sort of just jumped and flew off this bridge in to these waterfalls. I didn't know what was happening really, but thought to myself wow I'm going to die fast. I guess my physical body was gone, but all in all I was still alive in spirit or something. Then I saw my brother in law somewhere and he could still see me, but he was like your pail and your dead. There were articles of my car going into the water with me in the dream. Some people could still see my spirit in a bodily, but some people coudln't even feel my exhistance anymore.
It was bizzar. I don't even know why I dream such things. I couldn't sleep.
I can't stop, but think how crazy next week is going to be for me. I'm so glad to be half done this assignemt already!
Going to try and finish my assignment before my busy week next week. I have a doctor appointment and midterm the following Monday followed by Chemo Tuesday. Then work and school Wednesday as well as work Thursday morning.
I don’t live the dandy perfect family life like a lot of people use to think. Living with a mentally ill mother has never been the easiest thing. Sometimes I wonder why God provided me with a mother like so and then the cancer on top of it. I am honestly jealous of people with moms that tell me are so wonderful. Where as in my family it’s like us kids having to take care of my mom. She’s like the child herself a lot of the time.
I have been a little upset because of all her houseguest that she has. I felt today that it’s like almost every time that I come home or everyday almost, but not quite. There’s someone over here. It’s not like the people she invites are so terrible, but it’s just so often that gets to me. Having a mother like so also means her having friends that a diagnosed mentally ill as well. Funny thing that my sisters mentions. She works for a social home with mentally ill people and then she jokes about coming home to one too, but it’s so true. I also dropped and broke a glass today trying to get some water and it got me really agitated on top of it all. And we all have to clean up after her is the thing. Doesn’t help that I’m an almost neat freak.
And she follows us around the house when we’re home and she bored or lonely. I absolutely hate it. And I don’t need to be told a billion times what there is to eat at home because I can open the fridge and see for myself. I like being left alone.
I do remember a time when I was quite young. I don’t recall how old I was, but there was this man my mom invited into our home. He rode this bike and parked it in our garage for a long time. He used to sleep on our sofa. He never left until my uncle got angry and had to tell my mom. ‘You know you have young kids that live here and that you need to look after them too.’ I don’t exactly remember what happen to the man.
I might have a biological mother, but I don’t feel like I’ve really had a motherly figure my life. I even banned my mom from coming to visit the hospital alone when I was in there. I think my heart rate probably went up when she was there by herself. I got angry one time when she asked the doctors what was going on with me and they told her stuff. I specifically told them not to. She wrote this horrible mass Christmas letter one year that she sends out with her Christmas cards regarding my situation and never consulted me before she sent it. I was so furious afterwards. Something about a ‘vigorous cancer’ is all I can remember. It was not appropriate. She twists everything around. She didn’t know hardly anything at the time and she doesn’t even know the situation I am in now. All she most likely knows is that I’m still in chemo, sometimes not even. We don’t have a bond and I don’t think we ever really will.
I can go on and on about this. I can explain more, but you wouldn’t really understand this unless you lived here. We learn to cope living here I guess just as in any situation life brings you.
I have accepted that I may look like a clone of my mother, like a lot of people say, but I really am more like my dad. Despite all this, my Dad makes up for it all and I like telling him things.
I puttered around about for a few hours just getting somethings done here at home. I made some breakfast food for Erin and I and my brother ate too! And we were off to Kit's Beach. We stayed for a few hours and sunbathed and slipped into the water a couple times. Then we went over to Jamie's to say hi where he was having a BBQ because his parent's are out of town. Then we were off.
Lately I haven't been a fan of eating a lot of meat. Steaks and stuff just don't taste good anymore. Don't get me wrong. I still eat meat. I love my chicken and seafood, but laying low with the red meat I think.
I stayed at Erin's for a bit. Ate a little spagetti which I love how Toni her dad makes it and some chicken.
And now I think I'm going to have a little rest before I head out rollerblading tonight. Be going with Karin, Serena, & Erin I think.
It's nice having the day off work. So relaxing...
Today I worked again the office. I would have to say that working in GA at the surgery center is a lot more interesting, but it’s also a lot more work. However I was very exhausted after working those two days this past week. I worked Wednesday 7:30-4:30 and then had to go for evening class and then work the next day again at 7:30. I felt like I had been running a race or something. Its interesting seeing GA dental surgeries happen. There is blood, but not as much blood as I think surgeries would have. It’s not like surgery I see on the surgery channel. Well actually I never even see those surgeries cause I’ve got my eyes closed the whole time almost. I’ve learnt so many new things while working there the two days.
These poor little kids have the most horrible teeth. I don’t know how they could bear the pain of all the cavities and whatever else was wrong in their mouths. Some kids had to have like four or five teeth extracted, plus crown moldings put on top, spacers and bonds, and more crowns. These were all at the same time too!!! And some of them were only 3 or 4 years old.
I sometimes wonder what it was like when they operated on me. I remember seeing a few doctors, talking to them for a sec and ‘puff’ I was out like a light.
Working in the Dental OR has made me realize that I could really possibly become a CDA and really like it. I talked to Julie J. today she’s a CDA at the office and she’s really nice. She has taken courses while working full time to become an instructor for CDA’s. I initially wanted to go into dental hygiene, but it’s a 3-year program and getting into the program is another issue. And health wise it doesn't seem to work with my schedule as well either.
I plan on finishing my BA in Geography still because it much interest me, but after I’m done I think I’ll be off to do the year to become a CDA. And everyone always says to me “Are you going to become a teacher?” Well maybe yes and maybe no. I’ve only taken the Geography route because I liked going to school and secondly I enjoy learning to the stuff. I don’t want to go into teaching elementary or high school, but the possibility is open to teaching a post secondary trade (Certified Dental Assisting).
I still have another half a dozen or so shifts at the surgery center. It’ll be a lot of work, but fun.
Today I just chilled. Ran some errans and did some house cleaning. I cleaned my closet out today too. Giving two big bags of clothes away. And I still have a full closet. I don't know how that works. Karin and I went out for a late night rollerblade and it was gorgeous out, not to hot not too cold either. Karin's getting better on those blades! yay! :)
Vancouver has been hot hot hot these past couple days it's crazy, but lovely as well. I've been feeling a lot better that past few as well. The CT on Monday overall seems to have gone well. I'll get results the next time I go in for a check up. And earlier if something shows up, but I don't think so.
Talked to Ryan today. He booked his flight yesterday. He's comming August 4-18! yay!
Tis all for now, I hope you all are enjoying the sunshine as well:)
Relay raised a lot of money. Our team raised almost $10,000 and the North Vancouver division raised over 220,000 and it is still going up. That is just awesome! Thank you to everyone that donated. And for those of you that still want to donate you still may do so online! It was a rainy day, but a worthwhile one. The survivors lap was especially great and the candle lighting at the end of the day as well. I was exhausted by 10pm. I stayed in bed almost all of the next day. I took a bundle of photos and will post some new one’s one the site too.
I was in for chemo today. Yet another round has gone by. I guess it just means one round closer to being finished whenever that finish date maybe. I haven’t been feeling the greatest the past week or so. My stomach just doesn’t feel right. I don’t know if I have a stomach bug or what it is. I haven’t had much of an appetite and food just doesn’t really appeal to me. I think tomorrow I’ll drink water and just eat Jell-O all day long.
The scary thing is, recently I’ve been getting this ghost feeling that I’m up for another reoccurrence. The first one was 14 months after I was dx’ed. The second one was 10 months after the first reoccurrence or 4 months after I finished my first round of chemo. I am now 9 months from the last reoccurrence. Someone mentioned that the first time around is usually when you’re in the longest period of remission. I don’t know… I go in for a CT scan this coming Monday too. It’ll confirm things for me.
I need to start being more active then I have been lately. I ought to begin running again. I feel so much better when I exercise. My EOSC class begins next week too. I have to get my motivation up again!!! I think I’ve been so lazy… Sleeping so much.
Have been feeling a little bit of emptiness. Maybe it’s the lack of energy.
I am up to approximately up to $4800 now! Thank you everyone for your support!
Ryan will be here in about eight weeks! Yay! There is so much for us to do here and I know he’s just going to love it here too. Vancouver is such a beautiful place to be.
I posted a new photo from my party too!
Four days till my Relay for Life Fundraising/22nd Birthday Party! Yay! However do not actually turn 22 till Sunday.
Spoke to Ryan briefly today. He’s been working a lot, but it’ll only be for the next two months. I worry that he doesn’t get enough time for himself. We miss each other. I was just thinking about our relationship today a bit. I guess I was the one that really pursued him first. Flying so many miles to see him again… I know some of you must think I’m crazy, but I had to go and figure my feelings/instincts out for myself. Sometimes I can’t believe that I’m in a relationship with a guy that lives half way across the continent. It’s incredibly hard at times and not to mention expensive too, but so all the worthwhile. I love being with him and sharing my time no matter what it is we do. I can’t wait to be together again.
A lot of people say that I’ve lived more than a person the same age as I. But when your put in a situation like I am. You learn to cope with it and work the best you can. I sometimes feel that I have been cheated out of parts of my life. They say your youth is when your suppose to go out and live it up and explore. I have tried to do that the best I can, but on the other hand I have all this damn excess crap that I have to deal with too. I think I just value life more then other people do.
And then how the hell do you think you deal with any sorts of relationships and the problems that come with it when you have these huge issues of your own your trying to deal with? And then the anticipated reactions of those people that you are interested in starting any sort of relationship with. I know that this is an issue that is faced among young adult cancer survivors. It was defiantly one of the challenges I had and still have. I was blessed to meet Ryan this year when I wasn’t even searching for it.
Half the time I don’t know what to tell the new people I meet. It’s either you get the reaction that I know there think “Oh no, are you going to die?” or the “Oh” reaction and that is the end of conversation I will not bring up the issue anymore because I don’t know how to approach it and don’t want to make it feel anymore uncomfortable. I don’t want any sympathy from anyone, but cancer is an ENORMOUS part of my life. And I do like to share it with people and to let them know what is going on.
I can also say that I am very much independent in taking care of my own health. I’ve been going to the doctor on my own since after I was first diagnosed in August 2001. I go to chemo on my own now. I go to take CT X-Ray test on my own, whatever I need. However, I will ask for help if I need. And most of you don’t see what I have to go through because I do them on my own. And all these things including doctor appointments and waiting at the clinic take an immense amount out of my time. This is time that I could have been exploring something new, traveling/working half way across the world or just hanging out with some of you guys. However, I have accepted that this is a part of the rest of my life. It hasn’t been easy and sometimes I do breakdown too, but these are times not many of you will see me in.
It’s one of my biggest dreams to go out and live on my own. However, I am not financially independent and this frustrates me too because I know that if I were well these past three years I would have been done school by now and most likely almost on my way out of the house soon. I know I can take care of myself in all other ways but financially at this point in my life.
I am a FRUSTRATED person even though I may look like I have everything under control.
June marks 2years and 10 months of survivorship for me. I am very excited about the relay June 12th and you’re all welcomed to come out to join us anytime from
10AM to 10PM Saturday, June 12, 2004
Fen Burdett Stadium at Mahon Park
Corner of 16th and Jones Avenue, North Vancouver
My team members and I are also planning two other fundraising events prior to the relay: Fundraising BBQ at my house and a night out at the Roxy June 3rd in conjunction with my 22nd Birthday (I am selling tickets for $5 call me for them and invite ALL your friends too) and a communal Garage Sale 10am – 3pm June 5th, at Ruth Morton Memorial Baptist Church (791 East 27th Avenue) all of our proceeds going to the CCS Relay for Life. It’s been great fundraising for a cause that means such an immense deal to me. And a blessing to be able to share this with you guys today.
Thank you everyone for your support, I would not be able to do it without you guys:)
I have SURIVIVED…
·Many weeks of bloatedness and excruciating pain
·Two major surgeries
·Loosing my hair and being bald for many months
·Many IV's and needle pokes and more to come
·14 rounds of chemotherapy so far and still going
I have SURVIVED to…
·See my sister get married
·Become a certified Open Water Diver
·Passed my drivers test
·Completed 13 University courses
·Meet some new amazing friends… You know who you are.
·Buy myself snowboard gear and began snowboarding again
·In 2004 traveled outside of BC to Montana, Montreal, Chicago*2, Cleveland
·Traveled w/in BC to Whistler, Princeton, Osoyoos, Oliver, Salt Spring Island, Victoria, SilverStar Mountain
·Attend Camp Mak a Dream, a place where dreams really do come true
·Up to date raise almost $4000 for Cancer
·Meet Ryan
These past 3 years I have lived, learned and loved more then I could of ever imagined.
Tomorrow I go see the doctor and am in for chemo the following day.
I posted a few new photo's from Chicago.
I have a few thoughts to elaborate on, but I'll post later when I'm thinking a little clearer.
It's ghetto here! Lots of black people. And we got pulled over by a cop yesterday heading down to Chinatow for some bbtea! I have yet to see a real gun tho! Ryan's friend Adrian he's pretty funny too. I like that dude. The days have gone by so fast I can't even remember all that has gone by.
The weather here is nuts. It's hot and then it rains. And there have been thundershowers nothing like I have ever really seen before.
Today we went to the beach and it was gorgeous. I took some photo's too!!!
That's it for now:)
That day however was not a day of good news. I found out that Karin's friend Justin had passed. I went over to Karin's that day. I didn't realize how emotionally exhausting it could be even though I've never met Justin, but I felt like I somewhat knew him. First of all through all through the stories of the special times Karin spent with him that she had told me about. And secondly through his awesome music. Justin appears to me as a guy that took ever moment he had and lived it as much as he could. I look up to people like that and I LOVE your music Justin:) I'm giving you a great big smile right now.
It hit's home really hard when I hear about someone so young passing with a condition that is not fair to anyone. It makes me think about myself and how afraid I really am. I can't help, but cry thinking about it sometimes. I don't know how long I'll live. However, I would like to think that I have many many many years ahead of me, but cancer is just so uncertain. I may look as healthy as a blooming sunflower now, but who know's how I'll be a year from now. Or maybe it'll be ten years from now. This uncertainty kills me. And I don't know how to really deal with it. I guess just take the days that come to me. I try to enjoy them to the fullest as well. And I find it's important to be honest with myself too.
Life isn't all about work, school and money. To me it's about happiness and doing all the things that make me happy. I don't need all the money in the world. All I need is just enough to live. Just like I only need "enough clean underwear" Hehe... You guys might not get this one. I know you will Karin! Don't get me wrong, I love going to school and learning the things I do learn there, but it's not the entire world. There's so much that is to be seen. I have decided this summer to enjoy the beauties of the earth and mother nature more then being inside the classroom.
The other day Mellisa a wonderful young woman at my work was just diagnosed this past with a brain tumor. She is going in for surgury tomorrow if there are no accidents in town. I know how afraid she is. Surgury is an awefully scary thing, but I had an anesthesiologist tell me that if I weren't afraid then he would be worried. She's been on my mind tonnes as well and I'm praying for you too Mellisa.
This year has been one of the most amazing years ever. I've realized so much. So much more then I've had my first twenty years of life. Even though I have been diagnoised for three years now. It was not untill my second relapse did I really feel afraid and start realizing more then I did before. After my first round of chemo I thought to myself this was it and I am better, CURED, but it was NOT THAT SIMPLE.
Going to Camp Mak A Dream was one of the best decisions of my life. One that I never knew prior would impact me so much. I went because it was a chance for me to get away from my home outside of BC. I hadn't done it in a long time. Since before I was diagnosed in 2001. I've learnt so much more about myself and my emotions and I feel like I've lived so much more these past couple months than so many years I've had combined.
Ryan makes me incredibly happy. And I'm going to see him again tomorrow. I can't believe that the time has come already. A month ago it felt like forever, but I still can't believe it's already here. Only a couple more hours and I'll be in his presence again.
I hate packing I wish could bring my whole closet with me! I have to learn to pack light one of these days...
Ohh... I'm also doing awesome with fundraising for the Canadian Cancer Societ Relay for life. Thank you to all of you whom already donated. And for those that would still donate you still have much time to do so:)
I had a nap this afternoon in which during I had a horrid dream. I woke up very much disturbed. I have never had a dream like such before where I was running for my own life. There was some sort of figure or spirit in my dream in which wouldn't leave me alone. It followed me everywhere I went. It wanted to consume me, but only when I was finished treatment. And I did just finish carbo treatments last month.
I don't know if dreams indicate anything but maybe I had it because I have been a little parinoid this past while. It's like this figure represents another relapse. Twice has been good enough. I guess this is one my biggest fears these days. I'm afraid if there is a next time that it could just kill me and I am not ready for that. I have not come to terms with the fact that every living thing has an end. And I don't know when I will...
It's been hard trying to concentrate on school the past while. Since it has not been my first priority for almost two years now. I still would like to do well and all, but sometimes I don't know why I put myself under that stress either. Life hasn't been the same since pre-cancer. I feel that I enjoy things much more these days. I don't stress as much as I use to. And when I do I just think to myself what am I stressing for? I have gone through much more then this. I had to take a little time to think about that today this evening while studying for my exam. All I want to do these days is have fun and play in the sun!
Oh another thought I'd share with you all...
During the 2002 year I worked hard to be healthy and fit and was working on growing my hair long that year. Prior to beginning treatments I was crushed. The doctor first informed me that I would need to go on chemo. That wasn't so bad till she told me the side effects... One of them being that I will loose my hair and another that most patients gain weight on treatment. Those are however not the only side effects just the one's that bothered me the most. I knew that these things were not the end of the world and people that surrounded me kept telling me that it's not going to be so bad. But it was me that was going through it. Honestly how would you feel if they told you you are going to loose all your own hair? You would feel the same way I did. I loss all my hair not too long after my first treatment of carbo and taxol and I did gain some weight. And the fact of have become bald and fat did not corrolate with the phrase of 'You look great!' It was one of my pet peeves and also of others that I know which have gone through the same experience as well. Most people probably ment that I looked great for a girl with cancer and I know that, but it got tiring.
I still work at being physically fit and I do have hair now. I like to also think that I have become content with my body because there is no time to live hating it. There is however much room for improvement still, which am currently working on and will continue to do. Exercise is essential to me and should be for everyone! :)
The hardest part of treatment for me early on was the looking like a cancer patient with the no hair and being tired. Although I'm still on treatment. I fool many people because the chemotherapy I am currently on does not cause for hair loss. The people I encounter day to day: on the street, people of my past and the majority of my classmates have no clue what I am fighting. I look just fine these days and it's a great thing, but I am still consumed and reminded about my cancer each and everyday and more so when I go into the clinic for treatment. And this is why I feel it's important for the people I value in my life to know what is going on with myself because it's such a big part of who I am.
Anyways I'm off to bed. Will rise and shine early tomororw and absorb some more about Map Projections, Design, Types, Cartograpic Ethics and so on...
Well I decided to leave work early today and walk home in this awesome weather. I had another awesome 30min run today and decided that I didn't have enough still! So I called up Karin and I bladed to her house. I didn't get a chance to show her how to blade today, but we have all summer. And from there on we went to Kits beach in which I have not been to in forever! It's so beautiful there. I'll have to spend A LOT of time there this summer! It reminds me of all the times that I went there as a kid when my parents use to own businesses down there.
I hung out with Karin for the evening it was great. We've been thinking about all the things that we can do this summer. In addition we're trying to plan a team fundraising night for the Relay. Hopefully we can do an event at the Roxy. Ya'll are invited to come out when we have further details:)
I am also thinking that I just may not take any summer courses that start in May. All I really want to do is play and enjoy the sun! I'm in no rush to finish school.
Next week this day I'll be with my Sweetie Ryan:)
I went to the clinic today to get some bloodwork done and see my doctor. Things appear to be going well. I recieved a copy of the rest of my files today and was a little frustrated reading them. I feel so 'normal' most of the time, but reading my files just reminds me how different so much is for me then many people out there. And there are thigns in my file that I don't even remember being told.
Sometimes I wonder what if they had done more extensive testing on my first removed tumor at the time if things would be much different. Both my removed tumors showed a positive amount of the her 2 neu gene. I could probably still have my fertility if they found that out earlier. I guess I can't think about what could of happened, but just be thankful for the good things that have happened too. Doctors are only human. Just like you and I. I cannot blame them they have already done so much for me.
I talked to Ryan today and he always makes me feel better:)
The Canucks are out of the playoffs. We have to wait another year for hockey again, but they did fight hard today! Oh well... Go Sense Go!
But then...
It is also two weeks exactly from today I get to see my Sweetie Ryan:) My ticket has been booked and I leave again. Yay! I'm so very exctied! The wait seems like so long, but everything is so worth the while. I will be going to Cleveland first to explore and then we'll be driving back to Chicago. I just love it there!
Nite nite... time for bed.
I produced a map showing the 'Estimated f Population, New Cases of All Cancers by Gender and Province, Canada 2003'. My map actually had some sort of findings. It showed a difference from east to west coast and that there are 10 more cases for every 10,000 people on the east coast. I think it has to do with environment somehow. Maybe we're just more healthy here on the west coast. Less industry, less smoking ect. When I learn how to post more pic's on another link I'll let you guys know and scan my map in and all too:)
I also worked, did some shopping... ekk... but I work so it's ok:)
I've been running again. And today I ran 2.5miles! I find that running on my tredmill is much easier on the knees so I do that more often, but when it's gorgeous outside its all worth going out there. I've also started doing wights again. Am not very strong though. I gotta build these muscle up again! Thanks Jenn,Andrew, Mags, Ed the weights you gave me for Christmas are finally going to use:) However I'm not strong enough to even use the eight pound one for something like bicept curls:) Not yet anyways, give me a few months.
Ohhhh... and tomorrow I leave for Montreal, but not till late at night. I still haven't packed, it can't wait till tomorrow! I'll get to see Andrea and my cousin Nat! yay!
I'm at over $1400 dollars for fundraising for the Canadian Cancer Society Relay for Life. Thanks everyone thats already contributed and to those are still wanting to you still have lots of time. And for those that are interested in knowing more about it contact me or follow my fundraising link that is below on this page somewhere.
This month is so busy! I don't know where the time goes.
Happy Easter!
Au revoir for now!
As most of you already know I’m 21 years old and a three-time cancer survivor living in Vancouver, British Columbia.
During the May of 2001 I recall having a horrible excruciating pain in my abdominal area. I was out for a walk and had to come home because it was so bad. I believe this is when the cancer all began. I then went on a six-week trip to Greece with my best friend Erin and her family starting July. I was ill throughout the trip and didn’t even know. I had bloating in the belly, fullness after only eating a little bit, tiredness and pain in the back. All symptoms of Ovarian Cancer. I had only just turned 19 and just thought I had a travel bug.
I returned home August 10th and my family thought I looked sick, but I honestly thought myself it was just the change in culture and food that got to me. Don’t get me wrong, Greece was great, except for the not feeling well part. It was a weekend when I arrived home and my family insisted I see the doctor. I went to a walk in clinic that weekend. I recall the doctor at the walk in clinic mentioning that it felt like there might a tumor in my stomach. I didn’t think it was a tumor all. I was bloated way out and looked like I was four months pregnant. He told me that I should see my GP Monday and I did. I went to my GP Monday and I told him I had just been on a trip and thought it was just stomach upset. He gave me some digestion medication and stuff and I was off. It didn’t help and the next day I could not handle the pain anymore and set off to emergency room. The admitting clerk almost sent me home again. She said if I could wait that I should go my GP the next day, but I insisted I could wait no longer.
When I was finally looked at by a doctor they new immediately that something was wrong with me. I had so many tests taken. X-rays, CT, blood work and who knows what else. On August 16th the resident gynecological oncologist came in to talk to me. I was in the room by myself. He came to give me the bad news. He said to me that I have a cancer and it looks like there are two masses. They do not know the extent of it till they operate on me. I had surgery August 18th, 2001 and had my left ovary and appendix removed. There was only one enclosed mass the size of a melon. I was sent home a few days later. I was told that I had a boarder line benign tumor and never had to undergo any sort of treatment because the doctors told me that the type of tumor I had have slim chances of coming back. I guess it was about here when I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer.
Two weeks later I started second year and a full course load at UBC, my new school! I had an awesome school year. I had started to run again and my sister was getting married the following year so there was a lot happening with showers and getting dress fittings ect. I was also really interested in scuba diving that summer and completed my PADI open watercourse in October 2002. Right after that I began having stomach pains again.
I had an ultra sound done that August which showed no signs of reoccurrence. By late October my GP thought that I had a cyst forming, which usually go away. I saw my oncologist Nov 5th and I told her about the trouble I had been having. She examined me and said that I was ok. Following that I had gone to see my GP so many times I cannot recall them all. I had tones more test taken and he knew that there was something more. Tens days after I had seen my oncologist I was back in her office and she told me she was wrong when I last saw her. It was clear that I had another tumor grow and will have to have surgery again.
I had so much fluid retention and had to have it drained out of my stomach. I would have to say that was the most horrible procedure I had done! I had a med student perform it on me and she had no idea what she was doing. I thought I was going to die there! Anyhow I had about 4 litres of fluid drained that day. The fluid was what caused all the pain and not the tumor. I had surgery November 19th 2003. My right ovary was removed this time.
December 10th, my doctor called me in to see her. My sister Lennie went with me and I was informed that the tumor this time had malignant cells attached to its surface. She also told me that I would go on 6 treatments of chemotherapy. I cried for a week because I knew I would loose my hair and I was afraid to look sick. I remember going into the clinic for check ups and being so thankful that I had my surgery and was well, but things changed for me quickly. I chopped my hair off before Christmas. My first chemo treatment was a week prior to Christmas, December 18th. I had a combination of Taxol and Carboplatinum. My first treatment was a little scary for I had a reaction to the Taxol, but it was resolved with more Benadryl. My hair started to fall out three weeks after my first treatment. I survived the six treatments of chemo. In the May of 2003 after my last cycle I recall felling empty. Thinking to myself this is it! I’m done with CHEMO and that I’m all better now, but I was wrong.
I continued for five months doing fairly well. I even finally passed my road test after five years of practice! I began school full time again September, but had another reoccurrence then. My stomach was starting to be fluid filled again. I saw my oncologist and she told me that it’s apparent that there are still cancer cells in the body. However the good news is that they don’t see any tumors. I began chemotherapy again, but only on Carboplatinum.
My oncologist had more testing done on my tumor. And by chance they found that I hold the her 2 neu gene in my body and a positive amount of it (3 ). This gene is usually related to breast cancer patients. So then I began getting Herceptin treatments as well to fight this new gene. I went in for six rounds of Carboplatinum and Herceptin. One day Herceptin and the next day carboplatinum once a month. I finished my last carbo treatment last month. My doctor informed me that I must continue doing the Herceptin chemotherapy, because I have a high risk of relapse since the cancer has already re-occurred twice. My case is obscure, but at present I must live with enduring chemotherapy every three weeks. I have no idea how long I will require chemotherapy because the doctors do not even know.
Being a cancer survivor, however, is not the end of the world. I am currently still attending university, working, traveling, and enjoying my life in as many ways as possible. I have learned to carry on with the journey life has provided me. I always have a smile on my face and people often wonder why, but I am just so thankful for being able to enjoy my time.
I have also found it very frustrating that there isn’t much support for young adults with cancer. I met my good friend Karin this past October by chance. She is also a young adult cancer survivor, and she encouraged me to attend Camp Mak-A-Dream « www.campdream.org » for their Young Adult Session this past winter in Montana. Camp Mak-A-Dream is an oncology camp, which has provided me with more than anything I could have ever expected. I met young adults from all over the continent and have made bonds that are unbelievable. I never realized how many cancer-related emotions I had tucked away inside until I got to the camp. It was a place where we all shared our fears, hopes and dreams. There were so many tears and so many smiles. I myself could not stop smiling while I was there - just ask anyone who attended.
I also met an amazing guy this past winter at the camp. His name is Ryan, but he lives in Chicago. As many of you may or may not know I was there in March to visit and it awesomeJ. I plan to go back at the end of this month after exams.
In the near future I hope to finish my degree and eventually work in the dental field as a dental hygienist or certified orthodontic dental assistant. Why? Because seeing a great smile on a face just lights me up as well. I also hope to be able to move out of my parent’s home when I’m fully able to support myself financially, which hopefully will not be too much longer. I know I can take care of myself - I’ve already mastered going in for chemotherapy on my own!
I am also now participating in the Canadian Cancer Society Relay for Life and would greatly appreciate your sponsorship towards the cause, which has provided me with the opportunity to be here today to share my time with my friends and family.
You can visit my web page and you can sponsor me online at
http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=40232&u=40232-41437026&e=72310348
This is the journey that life has taken me on. And I look forward to what else it has planned for me.
I had a quicky shower when I arrived home from work and packed all my stuff and was off. I got ready at the Cecil Green House at a record breaking time of probably like ten mins. I had been humming and hawing about going to the event becuase I have been feeling somewhat anti social. The gala is sort of like a geography prom and since many poeple I know are graduating this year I thought it would be a good idea to go. So I purchased my ticket last minute this past week. I'm glad I went. I really just need to just hit the dance floor to some good tunes! I could probably just move to some music at home too, but it's nice when someone else is around too.
I almost forget about the cancer while I was dancing. Not untill recently have I thought about it on a day to day basis even more. I guess when I relapsed the second time it has really hit me that it doesn't stop, it's a life long battle. I'm reminded each and everytime that I go for blood work, to see the doctor and for chemo which is quite often. I don't know if it has become an obsession of mine. Or is it because I'm still learning to cope with it and learning how to share it with others. I really have no clue what so ever.
I added a new photo from the GeoGala.
One more week till Montreal!
Ta ta for now.
I feel like I've been sleeping way too much the past week! I have to note that I have just finished doing my last carbo treatment this past week and maybe the tiredness has to do with the cumulative effects of that. I have been a little down since the doctor confirmed that I will be on my other chemo (Herceptin) for a while to come. And when I say a while, they mean years, for every three weeks of my life. Life just seems so uncertain.
I'm only 21 and I don't know why this has happened to me. It's really shitty, but I know that there are still so many wonderful things in my life that I look forward to. God has already provided me with so much this 2004 year that I never could of imagined before.
I will write about my diagnosis and about what has been going on with me on my next entry to give you all a full update.
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