History

Sunday, July 13, 2014 11:13 AM CDT

"Not just aaaany Penny!"
Kirkland's legacy will forever be a part of my every thought and action while touching the lives of everyone I know (even without them necessarily knowing it). Two weeks ago, I said farewell to a group of grade 5 students who I had taught for 3 years. During that time, we had become very close and I shared much of my private family life with them while trying to teach them to develop empathy and compassion in this cruel world.

One of the richest lessons we learned together was through reading the novel, 'Wonder'-the story of a boy with severe facial deformities who starts to attend school finally in grade 5. This novel allowed me to use Kirkland's story and draw upon our struggles during his life in order to make the story of 'Auggie', the main character, more relative. And that it did! We cried together, discussed human nature, adversity, love, friendship, faith and courage. The kids loved the book and it became a moral guide for us all.

The last day of school was approaching and I struggled to find an appropriate gift for my graduates. Nothing seemed significant enough to show them what they mean to me. If only I could find a reasonably priced lady bug ornament or something with a penny in it to give each of them for they knew the importance of signs from heaven in my life and had regularly brought me lucky pennies found on the way to school or on the playground. And these pennies now fill Kirkland's Christmas stocking each year. And many teacher gifts they have given over the years contain angels or ladybugs.
These children are indeed special, and have filled a void in my heart that will forever be filled with their innocence and beauty. I wanted to capture my love for them to reflect upon in years to come so I wrote them this letter from Kirkland and I. June 27, 2014
To My Grade 5 Graduates,

When I looked for a meaningful gift that I could give you to serve as a reminder of what we have learned from one another in our years together here at Harrison, nothing that I could find possessed the meaning I was looking for. I thought about the lessons we've explored together while reading Wonder, the truly fabulous book that has taught us all so much about what truly matters in life.
I sat for several days pondering different ideas on what to leave with you as a symbol of your kooky grade 5 teacher and finally, it came to me...A PENNY!!
A single found penny- perhaps tarnished or dirty, maybe shiny or new...but something very powerful to me that represents faith, hope, positivity and love. A perfect symbol that I instantly knew, you very special and unique students would understand perfectly, even though others may not!
“It's perfect,” I thought.
“I will entrust each of my students with one lucky penny from the growing collection that fills Kirkland's Christmas stocking each year!”
“Hopefully they will tuck it away somewhere safe and as the years pass, when they catch sight of it they will remember me and reflect on the things we often spoke about.”
So my precious students..."What," you ask, "should you reflect upon each time you clasp Kirkland's lucky penny in your hand?"

Here are my wishes for you...
...May my little angel boy, Kirkland guide, protect and watch over you to keep you safe
....May this penny remind you that sad occasions aren't always a bad thing but instead, can lead to important life lessons
...May this penny remind you of the happiness that the simple things in life can bring a person such as a pretty little ladybug, a saucy robin in springtime, or indeed happening upon a lucky penny
...May it remind you that yes, bad things can and do happen to good people but the gift in it is that without darkness in our lives, we are unable to recognize goodness, in comparison
...May it teach you that it is much better to appreciate a person's good qualities that to criticize his/her negative traits
...May it remind you that you have the power to be happy simply by thinking about positive things

Yes, hold this penny for help when you are troubled and imagine me saying, “It's better to talk out your problems with someone you trust than to bury them deep inside you. Letting your emotions out, frees you and helps you start to feel better once again.”
Please learn to go easy on yourself and accept that we all make mistakes or use poor judgement at times. Try to admit yours to yourself and others by apologizing and then reflect on them as valuable lessons that will help you grow into an even better person.

For several years now, I have loved watching you grow into empathetic, loving and beautifully-spirited young people. What joy you have brought me! I am honoured to have been your teacher and send these wishes to you for a successful and happy future. May you always be blessed by having an “Auggie” in your life and remember that each of us has our own special gifts to be shared and appreciated.
Thank you for sharing your gifts and lives with me and for allowing me to do the same.
I will miss you very much but am richer for having known you.. Please come to visit!!

...And so I read this to them during the last hour of school for 2014, and openly wept as I did. One of my students returned to my partner's classroom and was asked by one of the grade 4's, what was in the container.
Kira later told me that she responded, "A penny."
The student looked at her very puzzled and said, " A penny? Mrs. Kilbride gave you a penny?"
And Kira replied, "Ohhhhh yes, a penny! But 'this' isn't just aaany penny!"
And the other girl simply shrugged her shoulders and walked away.
Kira was sure to report the conversation to me on her way out the door before giving me a hug and telling me she loved me...knowing that this penny represented one of the greatest lessons she would ever learn in her life.

Student pennies from Kirkland

Thank you Kirkland for guiding my teaching practices. Your lessons are far-reaching and will continue to be so, for as long as I remain here on this earth.
I love you, my angel son.
Mommy xoxox

Saturday, November 30, 2013 8:23 AM CST

I possess not enough emotional strength this year to come on here and write words of inspiration to those who visit for comfort or in search of answers as to how life can possibly go on after the death of a child. I cry now with the same intensity as I did 6 years ago when faced with Kirkland's impending death.

I drove to school the other day, recalling the moments that lead up to us disconnecting his feeding tube. I imagined him hungry and thirsty for those last few days before dying. I imagined him not being able to move or cry and tell us that he needed something to drink.
And I felt nausea wash over me as I pulled into the parking lot at school and opened the door to start my day.

Life goes on but the pain inside that I feel when I think of the suffering my baby so bravely endured...that pain never eases. It is as raw today as it was during his lifetime.

I cry for myself now...not him. Unlike others, I do not wish for another day with him here. I cannot bear the thought of him suffering the way he did and the helplessness I felt as a mother...the weight of the cruel decisions that were placed upon me every day of his life.

I lie in bed sometimes and take myself back there. I can only re-visit for short moments because of the nausea.
At least the anniversary of his death gives me permission to grieve and rid myself of some of the pain that collects with each passing day.
Each year I book the day off work as a personal day and I now feel guilty, scolding myself for still needing the time to lick my wounds and cry freely without my loved ones telling me to stop.

Carson is still asleep downstairs as I try at this time, to quiet my sobs while typing to keep from wakening him and having to explain my tears.
I just sat here for a few minutes to settle down and have just heard him stir. My heart jumps with a pinch of panic as I feel caught in the act and once again will face the look of those who can never understand how the rawness of my pain can still be so fresh.
This is my life, 6 years later. A glimpse into an existence that I rarely share anymore. I am grateful for this forgotten space where I am still permitted to come and spill forth my tears and anguish.

Monday, May 20, 2013 9:32 AM CDT

Good morning,

It is a beautiful sunny day and I have happened upon Kirkland's site which I admit is a rarity. I love these mornings when I wake and head over to my computer with a coffee. Today I have Kirkland's music playing on my player which automatically transports me to him.

To try to explain the depths of my spiritual awakening since the birth of Kirkland is too mammoth a task for this simple journal space, I admit. And the thought of trying to get it all down on paper overwhelms me to the point of shutting down the computer, for it usually seems too huge to articulate.

I think it is also the fact that as I write, I often place pressure on myself by trying to simultaneously prove that I am not out of my mind LOL. This writing habit is so counter-productive for me but I still struggle with trying to convince others that what I say is real. I now realize that this is the biggest obstacle to getting my book written am I am trying to free myself from the power that the skeptics still have over me.

Last summer I attempted to set goals to write a good chunk of my book. I actually sifted through a lot of my journal entries and sorted them. I was excited to find that they self-organized into the framework of chapters and I began to think that the job might be more manageable than I had originally anticipated.

Life got in the way of my plans however, and I found myself needing to move residences for the second time in a year... so my summer was spent packing and relocating to a beautiful townhome in which I currently reside.

So once again, another summer is approaching and I envision what I might accomplish while resting from my full-time job as teacher. I'm still not sure what it is looking like but I hope to wrap my head around getting this project off the ground. I tend to beat myself up for not having the book written and published yet, but do accept that my job takes everything out of me. And when the boys are here with me, I spend a lot more time engaging with them, versus being self-reflective. They deserve my attention after all they've been through.

My friendship with Tammy, the psychic 'Thalia' has been an incredible blessing in my life. She has shared that she is now under Kirkland's quidance and teaching from the other side. She channels through Kirkland and many other wise souls and is highly-gifted. Through my experience studying the psychic realm and many of the great names, I put her ahead of most of them.

To: local psychic- Sandy Whiltshire...clients have come to Thalia after seeing you and she has filled in the missing names for you. Sylvia Browne...you leave clients with far too many pieces of the puzzle to unscramble for themselves. I don't criticize you, for we are all simply humans trying to translate and interpret energy. Some of our skills are more highly developed than those of others. But from what I have witnessed in Thalia, she is highly attuned, without yet realizing the magnitude of her gift. How blessed I am to have her friendship.

Last Sunday was Mother's Day. I spent the day at home with the boys and did experience some melancholy but was not overly emotional this year. When I woke the next day, this message had been forwarded to me from Thalia. She is very adept at channeling messages from beyond through automatic writing. Much the same as Esther Hicks author of "Ask and It is Given", does with her guides, 'Abraham'.

When she finished with this one from Kirkland, I received it. I share it here for you to read. Interpret it as you will. It is not for me to try to impress anything upon you but I do know that I, his earthly mother, remain here on earth to teach Kirkland's lessons. Hence, I leave you with his words. All my love, Kelly xo

"Hi Mommy, I know this was a particularly difficult Mother's Day for you. Thank you for the acknowledgement! You are amazing, a beautiful blossom for all to behold. What grace and power lies within. Fear not the greatness that is you and know that everything is unfolding as it should.

You are a Grace and a Blessed child of God, and so loved! He is ever present and surrounds you now in these dark hours with light and love. I embrace you and all the majestic beauty that is you. When you look into your eyes, know they are my eyes looking back at you, and loving you without boundaries.

I am doing your bidding dear Mommy. Please find comfort in knowing that the souls for which you pray are not suffering. I have had the great honour and privilege to accompany those souls home where they are free to run and laugh and bask in the love of our lord.

Find peace in knowing you are a great source of comfort upon the earthly plane. I am so proud to call you "Mother".
All of my undying love,
Your Kirkie!"

Saturday, June 9, 2012 9:11 AM CDT

Almost another year since I've written here...wow! Rest assured though, that my journey continues with Kirkland as my guide.

I am happy and lead a quiet, peaceful and simple life now.
I am finishing up my fourth year back teaching since Kirkland's death and am preparing to finally write THE book this summer. I have found the task too daunting while trying to keep up with everyday life as a single, working mom so have finally committed this summer to completing the first draft(at least).

This means full-time writing and hard work for me over July and August as it truly is the only opportunity I am afforded to sit down and shut off my world to write. I have set a deadline for myself to battle my procrastinating nature. I want this to happen...I have other plans for my future that must start with a book being published.

People have urged me to do it, but fail to realize the state into which I must place myself in order to go back to that time in my life. I have not been strong enough emotionally to delve into a time in my life filled with so much emotional pain while maintaining at the same time, some semblance of my 'new' normal.

The writings that I did while Kirkland was alive were done in an emotional state that I must now re-create. I need to open the photo albums, watch his videos, read my journals, listen to his music, smell his clothes and transport myself back into a sad time of my life. In a sense, I am preparing to sacrifice two months of what should be rest and relaxation, to travel back to a place no parent should ever have to re-visit.
And finally...five years later, I think I am emotionally-healthy enough to do it

I will share this...
From the other side, Kirkland continues to make his presence felt here on earth. I won't get into it now because I want to save it for the book but it suffices to say that this past year has seen me connect with a psychic who found me after having had an apparition from Kirkland. Tammy has since then, scribed for him and shares his lessons in writing with me. It is fascinating and I feel so blessed to have her and him in my life.

All of this will be shared in my book so I want only to tempt your wonderment at this time in anticipation of its publication. I have many titles in mind but Kirkland has his own ideas. I'm not sure which one will win, but I can't seem to shake something like, "The Light in her Dying Child's Eyes"

In my mind, it has to be about light and his eyes because that's how he communicated his message to us.
Anyway...perhaps it will come as the book is written.

I hadn't intended on writing here when I stopped by today but am glad I did. It has me excited to finally get going on this project.
For those of you who still drop by occasionally, thank you for remembering Kirkland. Your presence here is a tribute to his life and I appreciate it.

love Kelly xoxo

Wednesday, July 20, 2011 7:31 AM CDT

I'm still unpacking. I came across the binder where I kept the inspirational poems and writings that sustained me during my darkest moments of Kirkland's life. I had slipped a rough copy of this little poem in with another. How dare I utter a single complaint about my current everyday life situation!

At home, between two hospital stays,
I painted this with love to say,
"Thank you so much for all you do
to keep me healthy all year thru."

Although at SickKids, I'm not blue.
I've bravely beat the "Para" flu.
My breathing's great, my eyes are bright
I'm sleeping well all through the night.

My own bi-pap is on its way
so I can soon go home to stay.
Know that I fondly think of you,
I'm sending love and warm hugs too.
love Kirkland

I read this and shake my head as I realize that it was written during the most traumatic illness he'd ever fought off. One that witnessed me hooking him up to a bi-pap alone with an RT, a critical response nurse and super nurse, Tiff. A machine that very well might have blown his lungs up and at such a time, we would not be calling a "Code Blue on 7C now"! A machine that allowed us three more years with our precious angel...three years in which he did his greatest work by establishing MitoMarch, his legacy.

I finished these ornaments in our room on 7C and mailed them off from the hospital to over a hundred of the people who were involved in his care and management. The rush was on and I had to hurry in order to make the postal deadline in time for Christmas...

Wow...I realize now that at that time in my life, I was fueled by an energy that nothing human is capable of generating...Source Energy sustained me and carried through each day. Only Source Energy could ever maintain the light that continued, and still continues, to glow in my heart today.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011 6:39 AM CDT

Wow...a whole year has passed since I last wrote here. In a way, that's not a bad thing at all. This is where I came when I needed to work out my feelings both while Kirkland lived and after his death. My initial reaction when I realized that I'd been away from here so long was, "How awful of me to neglect his page for a year!" But as I sit and ponder ideas and words to write, I now am thinking, "How wonderful it is that I can return here a year later and know that my spiritual and personal growth has been such that my need for lonely visits here have become less frequent."

The soul growth that I have experienced since the birth of my son cannot be put into words. My knowledge of 'The Truth'...the most precious gift he has given me...the peace that now resides in my heart...the forgiveness I have for all who have wronged me...the love I choose to share with the world -all of this is a precious gift from a master soul who made a deal with my spirit guides to be hosted in my son's sickly body so that I might have the answers for which I had so long been searching.

This Knowledge is now part of my essence. I live and breath it, choosing to live my life to the fullest, enjoying the simplest of things and recognizing that no amount of material wealth could ever equal the richness I have in my life today.

This past year has seen other monumental changes in my family as well. Last September, after over a year of living separated in our home, Gerry found his own place in Cambridge closer to work. As of this spring, we realized that he needed to be closer to the boys so I found a house close by and moved out April 1st so he could come back in May.

This living arrangement has been working nicely so far. The boys live between the two of us, alternating weeks and are able to continue their teenage lifestyle in their schools and surrounded by friends.
This is something I hesitate to discuss in this public a medium but on the other hand feel that to omit it, would be to neglect an important part on my personal growth right now.

Many people react with sadness, as is normal, when they hear of our separation and I in turn assure them that we are fine. They continue with a sigh and comment that as is the case with so many other special needs families, it was obviously the strain that was placed on our relationship by Kirkland's health issues that was responsible for the demise of our marriage.

I view it a bit differently. What I do see is a family transformed in many ways after the life and death of a child. It is through such traumatic life-altering events that the greatest soul growth takes place and it is for that reason that they are placed before us.

I can only speak for myself in this regard, but after having lived and changed so drastically during Kirkland's lifetime, I woke up one day following his death and realized that I was no longer the same person I had been before he was born.
That is not a unique phenomenon, for it is obvious that we as humans continually evolve as we age. Our interests change, our financial situations change, our children mature, our professions may change, new people come into our lives...and people leave. The human ego is in a constant state of metamorphosis which redefines us on a continual basis.

A spiritual transformation such as the one that occurred in me through Kirkland however, affects one's core...one's essence...one's soul...
These changes are not simply alterations in one's life situation. These changes affect one's faith, view of life, one's essence and personality. In my case they caused me to start living consciously.

By that I mean, as explained perfectly in, 'Creative Visualization' a book by Shakti Gawain that I recently found by chance, while browsing the book shelves. She explains perfectly, the philosophy by which I have been living for several years now.

"Being, doing, and having are like a triangle where each side supports the others. They are not in conflict with each other. They all exist simultaneously. Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: They try to 'have' more things, or more money, in order to 'do' more of what they want, so they will 'be' happier.
The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first 'be' who you really are, then 'do' what you need to do, in order to 'have' what you want." (pp. 47-48)

In a nutshell, I am a different person now whose values differ from those I used to possess. I was unable to wake up when Kirkland left and resume my former life because the person I'd been, no longer existed. Through it all, my husband had envisioned that when Kirkland passed, we would have an adjustment period and then resume our family life as it had been before his birth.
Sadly as some might feel, when it was all over, his wife was no longer the person she'd been. She found herself on a different path set in motion she figured, at the time of Kirkland's first seizure at two months old.

In travelling that path, she found that her family situation would change as well. Her life situation would look different and in turn, so too would her family's. But she has needed to 'be' who she really is and 'do' what she has needed to do in order to 'have' what she really wants.

....all this, directed by the light she remembers in the eyes of her angel child.

Thursday, July 15, 2010 9:05 AM CDT

Summer has arrived and as planned, my book is occupying a lot of my time. It's not going as easily as I had hoped though as I am still stuck on the voice and form I will use to tell my story. This is frustrating for me as I am anxious to jump in, yet I still feel that there are some blocks.

I took a workshop with Brian Henry recently called, "Writing your Life". I had actually requested it as a topic quite some time ago and was therefore eager to attend when I saw it listed. It was a good session and started the wheels turning. The guest author was a doctor- Ross Pennie, a New York Best-Seller who had turned his medical journals from life in New Guinea into an enchanting book.

I bought the book and read it, eager to take inspiration from his style. He called it 'creative memoiring' where you turn your journals into a story, embellishing minor details that you don't recall well while adding dialogue. His book was fantastic and I instantly recognized his talent for descriptive writing. At the same time, I realized this wasn't my style...big sigh. This was disappointing for me as I admitted that I have never been a creative writer, painting pictures with words and capturing my audience's imagination.

I spent a few days after reading his book trying to think of what I should write, finally asking myself what my purpose was in writing it and what I would write in the forward. I realized my book is about the spiritual lessons I was taught by Kirkland. Not a book about his life necessarily, but a book about our journey, and it needs to written from his point of view by using me the writer, to show how the divine power from within my child's soul, taught me the Truth and gave me the peace I needed to accept his impending death with a deep understanding of why it all happened.

So this realization has sent me down another path and I found myself directed to the many cassettes I have that contain the sessions I shared with my psychic medium, Karen while Kirkland was alive and also following his death. I grabbed the headphones and hit the play button expecting to revisit and reflect upon those meetings. What actually happened while listening however, was that I was compelled to type out the transcripts because it was from those
visits that I was guided through the many lessons that had been set before me by God.

I realize now as I continue to transcribe the conversations, that these are the words of my book. They need to be presented as I received them, parallelling the events of Kirkland's day-to-day life. For those words were the interpretations sent to me through Karen to help me accept and understand that there was a mission taking place here, a purpose for the trauma, pain, and suffering.

I realize now that it is 'these' lessons that are at the core of the book 'not' the story of my life as "Kirkland's mom", which is the identity I quickly assumed following his birth.

So now I realize that I have to translate, interpret, and teach it...for those who remain trapped within their suffocating ego- the human ego designed by God to challenge the power of the soul. I now understand that the block I have been experiencing has been placed there by my own ego as I've very hesitantly tried to find away to deliver these words without seeming like a total nutcase. The machinations of the human ego...as always, trying to triumph over Truth.

I have looked back into the transcripts and have pulled out some passages below from my very first reading with her in 2004. Kirkland was alive and three years old. They are powerful words delivered by Kirkland through Karen and are now the foundation of my belief system that will be explained in my book

*************************************************************************
Karen: Your son strikes me as being a highly evolved spiritual being. He volunteered for this to get you where you need to be… ‘Highly’ evolved! He reminds me of an energy that when he’s in spirit, walks with angels. He seems to be made of something different than us. Something more (big sigh) well to quote them “closer to the master.” He seems to be something like that.

And he volunteered for this to get you where you need to be because without his encouragement, you wouldn’t be where you are and you’ve only begun to scratch the surface of your capabilities. Ya… You have…He calls it a ‘high destiny’. I don’t quite understand what it means. I’m assuming it means to achieve on a very high level because (Kirkland channels through Karen-her manner of speaking changes) you are going to take mankind into the next century on a spiritual level to areas that they avoid. You are going to introduce concepts that are beyond our capability at this point.

And the other thing too is that when your son is ready to pass, you’re going to have unlimited access to him. You are going to be able to communicate with him at will, whenever you want to but you need to be prepared for ‘this’…it is not going to be a little boy that you’re communicating with…it’s going to be…I’m going to say the word- 'the divine master'. And so that’s what your little boy is. He is greatness disguised in an infant’s body…but you already knew that.

Kelly: I feel… As I understand it, I don’t see where I’m going to have trouble communicating with him when he passes over because I do it now without verbally communicating with him. There’s a connection that’s happening so I can only assume that that is going to continue.

Karen: He says it’s going to intensify. I’m channeling through your son right now.
(Voice changes) He is presenting himself as a very highly evolved master and so just be prepared for that that it will be him but you’ll know it …you’ll feel it…you’ll know. He’s going to present to you- the Truth. Right now take that you are a student struggling to understand the truth and when he passes, you will get the full force of the truth. And it will be him and you’ll know. He’s pretty sure of it…he gives off attitude. You’ll know me…not to worry about that.
There is almost…not almost… there’ is’ a calm serenity about him

Kelly: Very much

Karen: Very, very calm, very self-assured that you will know him but it will not be an infant. He’s describing himself.
(channels)The infant is the teacher …when he passes, the spirit will be the guide. He’s kind of gonna take you so far and then your journey is accelerated. You are protected…you have…(big sigh) so much spirit.

He’s saying you have so much power right at your finger tips and you just don’t know it yet but you’re getting what you can handle at this point and it’s going to be only what you can handle…little pieces of the truth. You’re being given the truth in little spoonfuls at a time…it’s going to get bigger (laughs) It’s going to start coming at you bigger and bigger…it’s just-you’re growing incredible leaps and bounds.

****************************************************************************

Hmmmmmm....I think I just got rid of my block!!

Sunday, June 27, 2010 10:53 PM CDT

It's crazy how grief can sweep over me. It's almost midnight on a Sunday night. I've been lying in bed for an hour and thoughts of school have been running through my mind. Anticipation of the last two days of the school year and all the chaos that has characterized my world in the past couple weeks...all of this has been keeping my mind busy as I've tried to settle down into slumber.

In doing so, I've recalled that yes, today I picked up storage bins to pack up my classroom in preparation for a room switch. But then my mind switched over to the lawn chair that I neglected to buy. The lawn chair that I need to buy to keep in the van so I can have it available at all times when I visit the cemetery this summer with my computer as I start to write my book.

That thought then connected to the small wooden box that is buried at the cemetery, containing Kirkland's ashes. I think of how now especially, I hate rain because I imagine the start of its disintegration. Tonight it has been pouring...I suppose that precipitated the feeling.

Just as quickly as I envisioned the box, I found myself back at the funeral home, viewing Kirkland and recalling that his beautiful plush Winnie-the-Pooh blanket was wrapped around his lower body in the casket and went with him to the crematorium- now a part of the contents of the small wooden box that is likely saturated and already warped from the water in the ground.

That red blanket...I wrapped him in it at home before Rob, the funeral director came to pick him up. I recalled that I had dressed Kirkland because as usual, he'd been in a t-shirt and diaper that night due to the temperature issues his wee body suffered.

And I remembered that my final dressing had taken place sometime around 4 am, because I didn't know exactly when they would be coming. I recall the beautiful snowstorm that night that kept Kirkland safe within my arms and the rest of the world out of my house that night.

As I lay on my pillow tossing and turning, my mind then switched over to Rob's arrival and the stretcher that he pushed into my living room. I recalled spreading Kirkland's fuzzy red blanket on the mattress and laying him down on it. How I placed his dog, 'Sammy' under the blankets and wrapped him up all snuggly as Rob watched on silently with a gentle smile.

The tears began to flow as I lay in bed tonight and recalled pleading with Rob not to leave Kirkland uncovered-that I couldn't stand the thought of him lying naked on a stainless steel table. I'd begged him and made him promise to keep the blanket underneath my baby. He promised, hugged me and then zipped up the bag.

And I sit here now at my computer...sobbing silently so as not to wake the others- reflecting back to a few moments ago where I lay in bed with tears in my eyes wondering whether Rob ever did keep his promise. I try to assure myself that Kirkland's wasn't just another body to him.

I recall this whirlwind of panic that just crossed my mind, two and a half years after his death and now I chide myself because perhaps I should have gone to the funeral home and dressed him myself to make sure he wasn't laying there on the bare metal slab.

.....And my point in writing this? All I was doing was simply trying to fall asleep tonight and this thought process unfolded! No anniversary. No birthday. No bittersweet memory today. Nothing to bring it on yet WHAM...it hit me and debilitated me emotionally.

I wanted to write it down because although I don't dwell on Kirkland's death, mainly because my life is so full of everyday issues and life, I needed to document in words, how grief can erupt just like it did tonight, in minutes- no rhyme nor reason...and take its rightful place in my heart.

And even with all the will in the world, I could never try to fight it and I've learned to simply succumb to it, to experience it- whether day or night, whether I am cocooning in solitude, or vulnerable and carrying on in the outside world.

This tide of grief just floods my body and then, as quickly as it arrived, it is carried off out into the universe. Sent here to remind me of all that I am. All that he meant to me...Perhaps gone in the physical sense...but so very powerful and present at all times in my spirit.

Okay...I'm calm and tired now. At this time, the swell of the tide is but a mere ripple in the water and I can now drift off to sleep in its lull.

Good Night, Bubbie!
Stay near me, my sweet little man.
xoxoxoxoxoxooxox

Saturday, May 29, 2010 5:08 PM CDT

Today we buried Kirkland. It was a long time coming- two and a half years but nonetheless the emotions it brought out were raw and cutting and I finally resembled the grieving mother that is not generally reflective of me.

I realize that I was never really permitted to grieve openly at Kirkland's funeral...it was such a public affair. Kirkland belonged to the world and my reaction would determine the reaction of the world. So I was sad, hurt, destroyed, exhausted but also full of honour and stoicism.

I had become adept at shutting down my emotions in the public eye. I had and still have the ability to shut off my emotions in order to get through an speech or occasion and just as easily turn them back on in order to release the pent up ache as it starts to accumulate. It's an art really and has proved quite useful both in my public life and my current every day life.

Even this week...I juggled it right up until 3:30 p.m. yesterday afternoon- allowing myself only short moments to remember that Saturday would be the day that I would bury my son. I would then shake my head and focus on the oppressive heat that was making teaching intolerable.

And yesterday morning I started to think about what I would say at the internment and the tears fell so I let a few escape and then shut them down and ventured out the door to school where I cheered my track & field team on to numerous victories in the North Halton meet in Acton.
Several times during the day...my mind wandered ahead to the task that was to be performed the next day but I turned it off and was even able to soothe myself by saying, "In a couple of hours you can go home and be who you need to be right now."

The first challenge was set before me when my darling student, "E" came to me with a gift before we left and asked me to open it. Inside was a pewter angel ornament that read, "The measure of love is to love without measure." And also a pewter pocket token that read, "Angel of Teaching", -May this angel watch over my teacher - who takes my hand, opens my mind and touches my heart.

This wise little boy with one of the biggest hearts I know also wrote on a homemade card that says, "JUST BECAUSE" on the cover. When opened it reads. To Mrs. Kilbride...You are like a second mother to me. I love you. E***
This little boy who is also wise enough to know that I needed to hug him and let me do so out of view of most of the other kids and accepted a kiss on the top of his head as a tear ran down my cheek.

In the same breath another sweet little girl in my class, N*** came up to me and looked me in the eye and said, "Mrs. Kilbride, today is Friday." I nod my head and acknowledged her sadness, by saying simply, "I know it is Hunnie. Are you going to be ok? Just come to me for some loves if you need them" And we stood there with her arms wrapped around my stomach and me holding her as I called out t-shirt numbers to my colleague who was recording team member names. Both N*** and I felt her sadness in the knowing that her grandma and grandpa were moving away that day and she was destroyed. Often throughout the day she found me and wrapped her small arms around my waist as I rubbed her back while jotting down names and ribbons received.

But when the moment came for me to leave school, I welcomed the chance to skip out as early as possible, hop in my car, make the two-minute drive home, turn on the shower and let the tears fall, and then crawl into a cool bed.

I had set before myself, the task of finding a way to talk to Evan and Carson at the internment and help them to recall that there were happy times with Kirkland. I had suffered a huge blow earlier on when Carson told me that he couldn't think of anything to say at Kirkland's internment because the were no happy memories.
My heart felt beaten when I heard it but I was cautious not to dismiss his feelings and tried instead, to view things from his eyes.

I soon came to understand that indeed, there weren't many happy memories for Carson to reflect upon...not because there never were, but mainly because he was so young during Kirkland's healthiest years. Of course he would have trouble remembering, he was only 4 or 5 years old when those 'semi-normal' family occasions took place. So I set out to document some of the memories for him and Evan and planned to read them at the grave site to help them reflect on happy thoughts.

And this we did and it was a beautiful occasion. I am so grateful to Susan, the minister who became our spiritual counsellor and dear friend in the last years of Kirkland's life. She really helped us through today.
She chose some beautiful scriptures and poems to share with us that reflect all that we know about soul growth and lessons to be learned here on earth. Gerry spoke of special moments he shared with Kirkland, and I read the selection I had written to the boys.

We smiled at some of the 'Kirkie moments' that were brought to life. Through my tears, I sang Kirkland the song we used to sing while dancing around the room with him in our arms..."Bop babba luba ba bop bam boo...Kirkland Allen We love You..." so the lyrics went.

We help hands in a circle around the grave and prayed. Gerry and I placed the box containing his ashes, in the ground and lay the UMDF mito bear on top that his grandmother has requested be done.
Then Evan poured sand from the vial on the ground to make a cross while Susan prayed and then Carson sprinkled holy water over the gravesite...ironically much the same as they had done at Kirkland's baptism.

I remained on my knees perched on the quilt that I'd brought from home that had been been sent to Kirkland from an organization called, "Quilts of Love" crafted with love by a stranger named, Myra.

The whole thing was beautiful...it was soooooo what we wanted. Another moment to love Kirkland and each other as a family. Karen -my psychic and ^Angel Kirkland^ proved right, when they assured me that the occasion would be glorious and very beautiful. Nothing fancy...nothing showy...nothing done for anyone else's sake but our own little family's.

Today it was manifested and we go on from here with love in our hearts and the wisdom that comes from lessons taught to us by a very ancient soul who we called, Kirkland. A soul who for divine reasons some may say, picked us to be the ones to translate and interpret his lessons and then teach them to the world.

We are honoured Kirkland. We love you so much.

Love Mommy, Daddy, Evan, and Carson
Forever in our hearts and souls
xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxox

Memories of Kirkland,

What are my personal favourite memories?
*One morning on the mat on the living room floor while Lois was here….we spent at least a half an hour playing with a squeaky ball and were trying to get him to say “ball”. The moment came and he yelled out “ba”! I will never forget the excitement we all expressed at hearing it and I was crying, and he was sooooooooooo proud his arms were flailing all over the place.
*Equally touching were the times when the word “Adda” escaped his lips and we knew that he was talking to his dad.
*One evening at the Harrison Family picnic for Kirkland, I watched his bright eyes dance as all the kids frolicked around him and I could see the excitement he felt to be there with everyone. And there wasn’t one seizure to ruin it for him the entire evening.
*The special occasions at our house when it was full of people and Kirkland refused to sleep because he might miss something…even after the exhaustion of Mito March when we all returned home and he would lie in his hospital bed in the midst of all the excitement and NEVER close his eyes until everyone left and then he would sleep for the entire next day.
*I loved nuzzling my face behind his ear and smelling him and trying to memorize the moment to keep with me forever.
*I loved when he would be facing the wall in his bed and I would whisper in his ear and his eyes would start to move around as his listened but was unable to react.
*I loved that fuzzy beehive of hair that would always form on the back of his head.
…HIS HAIR…His porkupine hair…it was hilarious from the time he came home from the hospital.

Boys I know it may be difficult to look back on Kirkland’s life and find happy moments. Carson, you have had trouble remembering them, and you’re right Sweetie, it is hard to remember but not because there weren’t any; it was mainly because you were so little when Kirkie was born and during Kirkland’s healthier years , you were still a baby yourself…Evan too really but there were many happy family moments.

Fortunately, Dad and I remember them all so even though the memories may not be etched in your mind because of your age; many of them have been captured on film so you can revisit the pictures whenever you feel like it. And even better, you have us and family to share the stories with you.

That’s what I’ve been doing for the past few days…thinking about the special moments I have of the three of my boys. I have written some of them down here so you can keep them for years to come and tell your children what wonderful brothers you were to their uncle.

Here are some of them:

I remember the excitement you had waiting in anticipation for your baby brother to finally get here. Both of you were so anxious to help me prepare for his arrival. Carson you loved to get up in the crib and explore all the newborn things that were set up.

You loved to lay your heads on my tummy and laughed with joy when Kirkland kicked your face through the wall of my tummy. Evan you were a mere 6 ½ and Carson you were almost 3 ½ years old. The day he was born, it was only 4 hours after his birth before you were running down the hall at the hospital and up onto my bed to look at your ‘baby’ and kiss him on the cheek. Evan was so excited on his way to school the next day, that daddy brought him by the hospital for a secret visit with Kirkland before starting his day.

Carson you were never jealous of Kirkie when he first came home from the hospital like a lot of little brothers can be but you loved to be cuddled at the same time as Kirk and you would cover him with your precious guakie and lie beside him and suck your thumb. Carson it was you I believe, who insisted on pushing his carriage when he went out for his first walk.

I remember so many sweet times. It was a fight between the two of you as to who would bath him in the baby bath tub and play with the toys with him. One special memory was Kirkland’s first bath in the big tub. Both of you insisted on jumping in with him so you could all play, and he squealed as you splashed his hands in the water and showed him all your toys.

Kirkland’s first Hallowe’en you each carved a jack-o-lantern with Daddy, and Kirk sat in his seat on the table laughing and squealing while we laughed. We had two pumpkins that year. Evan I think you carved the family pumpkin and Carson carved one for Kirkland.

I have a beautiful image of two proud brothers helping the minister pour the water that was to be used to baptize Kirkland.

Some of the most fun times we had were in our pool. You both loved to push him around on the air mattress and in your tugboat, Carson. It was a happy occasion when Kirkland was able to have swing ride out back and you could both push him or when he could come down into the basement and play with you and watch videos together. That meant so much to you.

I remember how excited both of you were when Kirkland learned something new, especially swinging at his toys on the hanging gym in front of his chair. You both would position your face at his knees and then say, “Kirkie hit the toy” as I had taught you to and then you would wait. His eyes would get excited because he knew he was going to play with his big brothers and the next thing you know he would swing his hand, belt the toy, and it would bop you in the face. You would both make such a big deal out of it and he would squeal in delight…making us all laugh.

Both of you learned very early that these were triumphs for Kirkland and you were genuinely so proud of his accomplishments, however small they may have seemed to the outside world. We all knew that they were huge for Kirkland and you praised him and couldn’t have been more supportive of him. What you were too young to see, is that Dad and I felt so blessed that you were caring and compassionate brothers and we knew from a very young age that our sons were different from all other brothers. We recognized that you had a deep maturity and specialness to you that could only come from experiencing life with a special needs brother.

In amongst all these little triumphs, we did many things as a family. I remember how excited you were to go to the pumpkin patch with Kirkland and pull him around in his car seat in the wagon. You would place his hand on the smooth pumpkins and he would let out a squeal and pull his hand away; you thought that was fun.

Even more fun was had when you touched his nose on purpose just to see him scrunch it up and make a sound. Boy did you ever like to tease him with that as did the rest of us, and we’d all chuckle at him. I cherish the moments when you would play with Kirkland. The excitement you had when he first sat up in the big high chair and you would endlessly bring him toys and books and read him stories as I worked around the kitchen.

The beautiful artwork you would make for him to hand on his wall…the neat designs you created because you knew how to attract his visual attention through colour. The excitement we all had when the snoezelen room was finished and we would all lie on the mat with Kirkland and admire the beauty of the lights and soft music. We spent hours in there not wanting to leave and do you remember how Kirkland would never fall asleep when he was in there because he was too interested in the lights?

How we loved to sing his song to him, “Bop ba ba luba ba bop bamboo…Kirkland Allen we love you. Kirkland Allen, Kirkland Allen…He’s a funny face! Kirkland Allen, Kirkland Allen…hair all over the place! A bop ba ba luba bop bamboo…Kirkland Allen we love you!”

You became such experts on picking out appropriate things for him to look at- little things at the dollar store for him to touch that would feel neat against his skin….even though he couldn’t communicate with you through words. You boys had a special bond with Kirkie and understood what he wanted and how he was feeling.

You loved doing things with Kirk and were proud of him when you could take him out Trick or Treating or out on his GT Kid Kart racer. How excited you were when we went to Uncle Everett and Aunt Yvonne’s cottage and he was able to play in the lake with you and all his cousins. Then we went to Sauble for three weeks and had a holiday at Grandma and Grandpa’s and he would spread out on the chaise lounge down under the umbrella while you swam and made sand castles. He loved it when after supper when we would go and get ice cream and you would share yours and give him licks.

You always found a way to include Kirkland in activities. I remember fireworks on the 24th of May while you were out on the lawn, you made sure that the curtains were open and would come inside occasionally to make sure Kirkie was looking at them too through the window.

There were two boys who even went on TV holding their brother’s picture to show the world how important Easter Seals was to their family and who stood by his side during Mito March and helped raised almost $100,000 for SickKids researchers to help Mito kids around the world.

Even in his sickest moments, do you remember how he would respond and start to move as soon as one of you came over and spoke to him or cuddle him? It was so sweet and I just loved to watch you with him. We couldn’t have asked for more caring and understanding brothers for Kirkland to have. So many times Dad and I would watch you all with a smile and be so proud of all of you because we knew that you weren’t typical kids. Evan and Carson, you were and still are very unselfish brothers and sons. We love you so much and feel blessed to have had the most wonderful sons in the world.

So today, is a symbolic day for us as we stand in a circle together as a family around Kirkland’s grave. The love that we felt from Kirkland while he was alive stays with us today because it is in our hearts and because Kirkland’s soul is here watching over us at all times. The years that he was alive on earth in that sick body, and we took care of Kirkie… well now he will guide us and watch out for us from above. We are very lucky to have such a special angel who never wanders far from any of us for too long. Call on him to help you whenever you need him guys. You were such sweet little helpers when he lived, now it’s his turn to help and guide you.

We are so proud of you and think all three of you are the greatest sons we could ever have been granted by God. We love you all so much! xoxoxoxoxo

This beautiful statue was given to us from susan, our spiritual counsellor

The concrete has been poured to support the monument that will soon arrive.

Monday, May 24, 2010 8:04 AM CDT

Here I sit, two years later in the same room. Even the chair in which I sit is in the same place. And it's the same time of day- 9 a.m.
Only...today, there is no little man lying next to me in a hospital bed in my living room. No sat monitor alarms going off to remind me that he needs chest physio to prompt the coughs that will rid him of the mucous that has accumulated in his lungs over night. It's 9 a.m. yet I don't rush to the kitchen because I am late pouring his morning meds nor do the syringes still need washing because I fell into bed at midnight exhausted and neglected to wash them then in preparation for the morning.

Instead, I am alone. It is a beautiful day outside but I have no desire to rush out and do gardening like I used to. I sit here looking at the wooden box on my cabinet that houses Kirkland's ashes and accept that in just under a week, it will be buried in the cemetery close-by and I will take another step forward in this new world I wake up to each morning.

I hadn't been to see Karen my psychic for two years but last week felt the urge to go for a reading. Perhaps Kirkland's upcoming internment was the prompt...perhaps the fact that lately I have not felt myself...perhaps the counselling sessions that my doctor sent me to had uncovered issues that I felt needed resolution. Perhaps I was simply saddened because MitoMarch is not happening this year. It could have been that I needed to feel closer to my baby and was looking for him to wrap his arms around me and assure me that all was going according to plan. I'm not sure exactly why I felt this sudden urge to go see her...but I did.

But even that visit seemed not to provide the relief I had hoped for. Nothing she told me was news. I am so attuned to my own psychic intuition that all her words did were affirm what I already know. Kirkland was there among the other members of my soul family, pushing me onward- reminding me that there is a book to be written, that an exciting new career venture is waiting for me, that my new life waits to unfold and apparently it will begin very soon.

As she channelled their words, I became excited as I was reminded that yes, I will not remain in this place in my life for much longer. I left Karen realizing that this deadened feeling that has clouded my world for the past year has only surfaced because the role I assumed when Kirkland was alive has been pushed into the background for awhile.

...That life that I hadn't chosen for myself but was thrust upon me when Kirkland was born. That phase of my life that I'd embraced whole-heartedly where I was driven to make the world a better place and had learned so much, enjoying the challenges I faced, that were helping to establish Kirkland's legacy.
How could anything I am doing now, give me the satisfaction that I felt while caregiving and advocating for Kirkland in the capacity that I did! It simply couldn't.

So...I came home with a renewed sense of purpose and turned to the journals I have been avoiding for two years and started doing what I am meant to do.
It is a huge daunting task...to rearrange the date sequence of these 800 pages of journal entries and then to start editing for conventions and grammar but I am doing it.

I have been doing so with tears, regrets, pain, anxiety, and even nausea at times but also with amazement, pride, hope, and purpose. The possible titles of my book come to me at the strangest of times and I am sure to stop and write them down. With each minute that I spend on it, the writer's block is slowing fading and I now think I will take the suggestion Karen gave me and visit the hypnotist with whom she shares her office in order to clear my mind and allow Kirk to channel through my fingers.

The process is not easy...it is grief work and digs up all sorts of emotions that most would choose to forget but I at present, am allowing them to flow. It may make others uncomfortable but I give myself permission to cry. I even set myself up for it.

Yesterday I visited the cemetery I think to facilitate this process. I know that next Saturday on Mito March weekend, I will bury my son...the sick child who was born unto me so that I might teach through his life. I pulled into the cemetery admiring its beauty and was so happy that we were able to purchase one of the last plots available in these beautiful gardens.

As I turned my head towards the spot that will serve to mark his place in this world, I was shocked to see a wooden stake in the ground with his name on it...KILBRIDE 12-24
I never thought a piece of wood so insignificant, could hold such magnitude. I gulped and walked over scolding myself for allowing myself to be shaken.
A tear fell on my cheek as I discovered that the ground had been prepared already and a layer of grass was simply lying on top of the dirt. I assumed they did that to make the job easier for the grave digger.

A tiny lady across from me tended her husband's grave as I walked to her and asked if we are allowed to plant trees and flowers of our choice. She seemed so relieved to have company and continued to speak with me for the next 30 minutes oblivious to the fresh pain I was trying to mask while glancing occasionally over at Kirkland's grave.

As do many people in town, she remembers Kirkland and she wandered over to his site with me. She lives in an apartment on the grounds and explained to me that the area they have dug up is in preparation for his headstone not his grave. They will be pouring cement there to support the stone.

Yes, his stone is being crafted as I type. We started the designing in March but as of last week there were still some glitches. It will be delivered they hope, by the end of June. It is beautiful. I saw a photo of the work in progress on Tuesday when I went down to the monument works.

We have decided that the internment will be a very private occasion. Simply Gerry, the boys, Susan-our spiritual counsellor, and I will be in attendance. This choice is a symbolic one really...to mimic the many evenings that Susan came to visit us where we read stories and said prayers around Kirkland's bed side, holding hands.
An occasion to honour the miracle of Kirkland and that one night when we surrounded him in prayer and he said, "Mommy" as clear as day and we all stopped praying in amazement and cried. Perhaps an occasion similar to the night of his death, when our family spent several beautiful hours together before he was taken away.

We feel that it is only appropriate that we share this occasion in the same manner in place of Mito March this year. Apparently Kirkland thinks so too for Karen described our tribute through his eyes as glorious and very beautiful.
Recognizing that it is important for all who love him to take part as well, we plan to have a celebration party for him here when the stone is placed and take everyone over to see where he rests.

The tears fall again and I defend myself against my husband who as mentioned, finds it aggravating to listen to me sniffle. I sigh and the gloom that characterizes my everyday life returns as I prepare to sign off and return to the present and leave this chair...this chair that has bore witness to it all. Ironic I find it, that an inanimate object such as a chair could have any significance...kind of like the magnitude of plot of grass that's been punctured by a wooden stake that marks the place.

Sunday, March 7, 2010 9:14 AM CST

To my beautiful boy,

Kirkland, yesterday was your 9th birthday. It did not pass without a lot of falling tears. I don't know why I cry as I do. I know it is not what you want for me but I have to shut it all off for so much of my daily life yet, I soooo need to release it. When you were alive, I used to cry with you almost daily while we listened to our music together. Life doesn't seem to permit that anymore. I do reserve Sunday mornings as a special time however and often find myself looking at photos of you, reading passages I've written about you, or listening to our music.

I don't visit this site as often as I used to. In fact, I don't really come to CaringBridge except to check on Megan and Alexis. It is too painful. It shares lives full of sickness, suffering, and trauma and I find the need to take a reprieve from that.
I struggle with your pain, my little one. I resent that I often am unable to look back on your life and remember anything but you suffering and wriggling in pain. People say to remember the good times...but they are hard for me to distinguish.
You suffered so. And I allowed that pain to continue through all the tubes and life support so I still have trouble forgiving myself for that.

When I set out in search of the good times, I naturally find myself looking instead at all the wonder that came into this world because of you. I know you regret that you could only teach your lessons to the world by forcing pain on all of us, including yourself. I have received that message and I know that monumental shifts in faith are only brought about through life-altering events.

Before you were ever born, I longed for inner peace. I envied the faith and peace of mind that I saw in others, especially...Liz, my mentor and friend.
I joined a church, I sang in a church choir, I baptized my children. It was the start of my discovery but never did fulfill that need.

And then you were born, a child with health issues that would normally cause humans to fall to their knees and crumble, plead with God, blame themselves, question how a god who was good, could allow this to happen to an innocent child. Humans who would typically direct their anger at this god who'd allowed so much anguish and suffering.

But somehow, you my child, had this calming sense about you. Your eyes exuded peace and forgiveness. All who came into your presence felt it when they were near you. Strangers were drawn to you, right to your bedside and exclaimed that they didn't know what it was about you that made them feel so good...feel so much peace.
I felt this gift from you too...and only later in your life did I begin to consciously experience the awakening you were sent to ignite in me...in those who loved you.

You were the answer to my plea for inner peace...my longing for the faith that I had witnessed in others. You no longer were a sickly child lying in a hospital bed in my living room. I learned who you truly were...a highly-evolved soul, really no different than any of the other great disciples of Christ who were sent to Earth with a mission.

And it is 'this', my son that I choose reflect upon and try to keep in perspective when your birthday passes, and when I am forced to recognize my physical loss. I continue to process it all and now look to you for the answers.

Thank you for the signs you continue to send my way, Kirkie...for these messages from beyond that fill my heart with joy knowing that you are not gone. Thank you for recognizing that as a human, I continue to be weak and need validation of your spiritual presence...this growing knowledge that is gradually becoming such an important part of who I am.

Your gifts are greater than any birthday tribute I could ever pay you. I think though, that in understanding who you are and in recognizing the spiritual power you represent, I could be placing a smile on your face today, leaving you assured you that your pain here on earth was a worthy sacrifice.
I look to you for continued guidance and lessons from beyond.

I love you, Kirkland. Still Mama's boy...forever and ever.
xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxox

Wednesday, December 2, 2009 5:11 PM CST

From The Georgetown Independent and Free Press
December 2, 2009

We all love you, Kirkie!
xoxo

Sunday, November 29, 2009 5:35 PM CST

My Dearest Bubbie,

I am so sad today. It was two years ago today that we finally disconnected your feed. I was listening to, "Thank You For Loving Me" by Bon Jovi and was remembering the times when we sang it together.

It's ironic... But back then, somehow I envisioned it was YOU singing those words to me as I cared for your ailing body ....

"Thank you for loving me, for being my eyes when I couldn't see, for parting my lips when I couldn't breathe...Thank you for loving me. You pick me up when I fall down...you ring the bell before they count me out...If I was drowning you would part the sea, and risk your own life to rescue me..."

It's interesting...sigh
Now..it's ME singing them to you - Our roles are now reversed!
It's you isn't it?
You...who picks me up when I fall down
... who opens my eyes at times when I never want to open them again,
...who parts my lips when the grief is suffocating and I can't breathe.

It's you isn't it, who gave his life, and now rescues me from beyond?

I love you, Kirkland...my precious gift from God.
My heart aches today and the tears are falling frequently as the painful memories re-surface. Thank you for loving me Bubbie...please continue to save me when I need rescuing. You are, and always will be, my hero!

Love Mommy
xoxoxox

Tuesday, November 10, 2009 9:34 PM CST

Well!!! Here I am..I just happened to visit Angel Owen's page and found myself in the land of Caring Bridge.
A world that is so often so out of reach to me these days for no reason other than I don't seem to have the time to write for personal reasons. I actually don't really have time for anything of a personal nature now that I'm back at school full-time. When I do indulge in myself...it's a band rehearsal or two but even those I've been skipping lately because of my workload.

And in less than a month it will be two years since Kirkland died. Two years already...and I'm feeling it! It's actually a lot harder than last year. My eyes seem to well up with tears with a single thought of Kirk and it's even worse if I let myself daydream and take myself back to a moment in time with him.

I suppose it's the stress I'm dealing with at work but I long for him so much. My heart aches as I remember nuzzling his neck and smelling his beautiful clean scent. A tear falls now as I remember how he would squirm when I did that- I suppose because it tickled him and he couldn't express it other than waving a hand or opening his bright eyes big and wide in anticipation of the big kisses that I would plant all over his body following it.

And I've just stopped now for a cry. Sigh...this is how it is lately...even at school. I miss him so.
Next Tuesday is the SickKids Donor Hall Awards Night and I was invited again on behalf of Mito March. Robin and I will go this year because she has yet to attend and she did so much work last year as always, to make it a success. All the team did and I backed out for the year...immobilized and unable to participate.

A visit to SickKids this year will be difficult for me...I think for the first time ever. It just seems to be the trend I'm slipping into. I can't rid myself of thoughts and memories of Kirkland's suffering and pain. It is almost as agonizing for me right now, as it was back then...sitting by his bedside and helplessly watching him writhe in pain and being unable to do anything for him.

I don't know what to write...it hurts that's all. Like I always said, "I feel bruised." I function in this world and often float in limbo between my old life and this new one that is swallowing me up. I am still not ready to be at work fulltime...I realize that but the debt load of having had a dying child for 7 years is too much to manage so I go to school each day.

It is a chaotic world for me as I try to keep on top of things. Last week I worked 13 hour days at school and then came home to work or rehearse in the evenings. The weekend was just as bad. I can't seem to organize myself...it's the way my grief has hit me.
So many people, including Gerry...watch me sinking and question what the problem is. At least once a week I hear him comment, "I don't understand what your problem is and why you have so much work!"

I listen to people at school question why I need to spend so much time there to get things accomplished...fuck...even the night custodian has taken to scolding me daily when she still sees me sitting at my desk at 9 pm at night.
I'm sick of listening to them tell me that what I'm doing isn't normal.

I have one thing to say only..."Why can't I seem to do my job within a 9 to 5 time span?? I'M IN POST-TRAUMATIC SHOCK FOR FRIG SAKES...Isn't it obvious?"
What do they really expect of me? I knew I wasn't ready emotionally to return to work full-time and I warned of it but really saw no alternative.
So I say one thing to them,
"You live through the trauma I experienced and shouldered alone all those years caring for Kirkland and then see how you do- thrown out to the sharks when it suddenly ends and you're expected to cope normally and stay alive..."
Only then can they question my ability to function effectively in a new job, new subjects, and in a primary grade for which I am not qualified to teach...or why I have so much work...or why I am so stressed...and why the stress is making me physically sick as well.

I thought it would be pretty obvious.
Hmmmm...perhaps I should refer them to this journal so it becomes a bit clearer exactly what it is I'm carrying around inside my heart and mind- what I actually have to push aside in my mind in order to make room for all the chaos that characterizes my new existence.
Okay...Wow!
I only planned on writing, "Hi everyone."
I guess the powers that drew me here did so for a reason. I obviously needed to spit that out.
I know this site is rarely visited anymore but that's ok. It is very necessary for me to know that I can come back here when life gets too overwhelming. There is something so very comforting about intermittently returning to one part of mine and Kirkland's life that still exists. I am so glad for that.

So now I bid you goodnight as I think I'll go cry myself to sleep. That release is so very necessary for me from time to time as well.

luv Kelly xoxo

Thursday, August 6, 2009 1:01 PM CDT

Has it really been so long since I journalled here that I can't remember how to sign in as an author? I just spent five minutes trying everything I know to let me access Kirkland's page and finally I made it but don't dare ask me how.
I guess my support needs have changed along with Kirkland's death and I find myself on Facebook more now rather than here. I suppose as I try to reintegrate into that 'other' world, I find it easier to connect in a land foreign to Caringbridge.

But a moment ago, I went to update my status and realized that if truth be known, my status needed to read:

KELLY NOW KNOWS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE PARALYZED BY GRIEF.

Somehow though, I knew that would be too upsetting for my Facebook friends and what I really needed to do was come here to this familiar place to try and work through my emotions.

On the 2nd, it was 20 months since Kirkland's died. I don't count the months generally. Usually the 2nd goes by unnoticed and I often don't count how many months it's been since he's been gone unless I see another angel mom doing it. It really doesn't hold that much significance to me...only the day his ego died but nothing more. The day I had to put my faith into action and communicate with my baby without seeing his body before my eyes. For the most part, I have had little trouble.

I have never really felt like he is gone. There is no void. He remains a part of me in the same way he did while here on this earth. I say that I don't feel like he's gone...meaning his love, the lessons he continues to teach, the part of my conscience that he now counsels from beyond.

I do feel however that my life has been ripped out from under me. I have walked in a haze for months, trying to organize myself..my thoughts, my decisions, my mind and if I was to try to assess it, I'd say that my attempts have been a dismal failure. I think having always been an organized person gave me a sense of control over my life...but with the death of my son, I seem to have lost that ability to organize my life. Quite honestly, I've lost the desire to be organized...and with that comes loss of control.

I know what I have to do...the tasks that await me, the needs of my kids' that need to be met...the preparations that I need to make for school in the fall...the paperwork clutter that I need to sift through and the purging of junk that needs to be done around the house. It eats away at me because it is not like me to be like this...but I just don't care. I finally have come to the realization that I am paralyzed by grief. It is a shocking thought. Why can't I overcome it? Will I ever overcome it?

It's currently foremost in my mind because I have given myself the job this summer of making sure that Kirkland's room is packed up so Carson can have his own space. I sent them away on the weekend, planning to have it all done when they got home on Monday.

Poor Carson was so excited when he came through the door because he wanted to see his room. It killed me to disappoint him and admit that only the medical supplies were packed up and the clothes that Anita bagged from the dresser were done.
But I promised that we would finish this week...together. And everyday since he has asked if we can work on his room and I tell him I am struggling.

An hour ago we sat eating pancakes and "A Wonderful World" started playing by Louis Armstrong. Carson asked about it and I explained who he was. I also wiped a tear from my eye as I reminded him that this was one of mine and Kirkland's songs. He asked why music was so important to us and I told him that every morning when they went to school, Kirk and I would listen to his music and sing and cry while I did all his meds, chest physio, range of motion, toileting etc. With this reflection, I began to cry again and I could see the pain in Carson's eyes as he witnessed his mother's sadness.

And as aggravated and selfish as I would fully expect a 12 year old boy to be who has had to forfeit so much in his short life due to a sick brother, my beautiful son turned to me, very wise for his years, and said, "It's okay Mom, we don't have to do my room right now. We can do it another time when you are feeling better."
Once again, the sensitivity of my sons and their caring demeanor is something I will be forever so proud of. They amaze me.

I turned to him and said, "No Hunnie...it's not okay. I want you to have your own room and I am looking forward to you having your own space to put your things and I want to do it with you. It will be fun to put your trophies wherever you want and have your privacy."

Then he turned and walked down the stairs and I came here to my computer. But I realize now that, as is always the case with this journal, I have found my answers and I really do need to sign off now so I can go pack at least all the toys.

Perhaps my grief is paralyzing at this time...but there are plenty of people who, with hard work and determination, have overcome their paralysis and have once again learned to move their limbs.

Let them be my role models.

Friday, May 8, 2009 6:39 PM CDT

My baby is alive and well...still working on his mission from heaven!
Thank you to the Mito March committee members, his angels on earth who are running the event without me this year due to my need for a reprieve.
I love you all so much!! xoxoxo

Sunday, April 5, 2009 7:42 AM CDT

Weeks have passed since my last entry yet I come here this morning and look at the page, struggling because I have little to say. I ask myself how it can be?
So I read over my last entry and a tear escapes and rolls down my cheek and I leave it untouched.
As it falls, I think about my emotions. How yesterday, all day I felt like I was on the verge of crying yet couldn't understand why. And I recognize that I often misapply my grief...wrongly trying to figure out why I feel melancoly- searching for reasons in my everyday life as to why I am down.

Today...I came here as I often do and the tears have fallen. I thought about Eduardo again after reading my last entry. And how he made me smile on Wednesday when he played the part of a munchkin in a Wizard of Oz skit at school. He was the cutest thing skipping around in a silly hat.
And I recall little Jack last Sunday at the rink, Sue's youngest who is a couple months older than Kirk and who has always held a striking ressemblance to Kirkland with his shocking brown hair an eyes in contrast to his blond brothers...just like Kirk. And how bittersweet it was to watch him whiz around the rink...looking soooo cool much like the big guys with his visored toque tilted sideways and his baggy coat!

And these two will never ever realize how much I love them for keeping Kirkland alive for me...for allowing me to watch my son grow in heaven.

And my tears flow full force now as they often do Sunday mornings when I come here...and I find myself saying, "Thank God"! Relieved to be releasing them...and making the analogy between my tear ducts and clouds in the sky. Realizing that the tears accumulate pent up in my heart with each passing day much the same as moisture does in the clouds...
And when my heart can no longer support the weight,...God says, "Let it rain!" and they release in order that the sun might shine once again.

As they drain...the relief engulfs me. The storm clouds slowly peter out...replaced by soft showers and light sprinkles. And as is very often the case...the sun begins to peek out through the clouds and on this occasion a rainbow begins to miraculously form before my eyes. I marvel at this process that I seem bring on every so often when I feel the need to retreat into a world that so few know.

With this, a song comes to mind and I whisper the lyrics....

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high, there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.....

Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me............

Somewhere over the rainbow blue birds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow, why then oh why can't I..."

Pondering these words, I accept that for now, I remain on this side of the rainbow and must learn to take pleasure in the small things that bless me each day...continuing my journey along the yellow brick road, prepared to face the unknown with a little help from my friends- the scarecrows, tin men and cowardly lions...thanking them all for being here for me along the way.

Oh and I musn't forget, my friends the munchkins.....

Jack March 29, 2009

I love you all.
xoxoxox

Friday, March 6, 2009 8:31 PM CST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my darling son!

This year is harder than last year.
It just seem so old...8 years!! Oh my! And yesterday I thought I must be wrong and you couldn't possibly be 8 already so I subtracted the years just to be sure.
They're so tall at school Kirk...all the little ones who were in your grade one class last year. They don't look so babyish anymore...they're kids. I see them everyday and I think of you. I try and find the joy in them running around at recess...and know that your spirit is in the wind that excites them and causes them to frolic with innocent excitement. I tell myself to not be sad...that you are here with them...living through them...showing me what you are doing in heaven right now.

And a few weeks ago, when Eduardo ran up to me at recess and gave me the warmest hug for no reason...I knew it was you, Honey. Thank you so much for that xoxo. I love Eduardo so much...and he doesn't even know who I am or probably doesn't remember being your friend at school last fall when you visited your class and did art with the kids. I know you are living through them for me..through Eric and Maddie and in Reise...your best friend- all kids. My love for them is undying.

Your big brothers, Kirk... I am so proud of them for the way they have been able to accept that you live in heaven yet still never neglect to include you in our present-day family. How they forgive my grief and my self-indulgence at this time in my life. Who don't seem to resent or be jealous of the time that my grief takes away from their own needs.

They are incredible boys...thank you for helping them to understand and grow positively through our family's journey. I will always have you here in my world as long as they are here on earth. I know that through them, your strength, love and compassion lives on. You continue to bring wonderful gifts into my life and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't feel your presence and love.

And tonight as I offered Carson a birthday cupcake and you let me know you were here with me...Kirkie, please don't ever stop sending me those signs. They sustain my faith...and bring me the inner peace I lacked in my life prior to the point eight years ago, when your soul became my teacher.
Above all, I celebrate the greatest gift you ever gave me...my faith.

So Kirkland...yes you were born unto me...my beautiful baby boy- a blessing. And I cherish the memories that any mother would of the years we spent together.
But more importantly, I adore the connection we still have...the rare gift of 'knowledge' that I now share with few here on earth... one I never would have discovered had it not been through you.

And if I was asked to try to pinpoint the very moment when I was 'saved' by you, I would say it was during an early psychic session when Karen told me this,

"Remember...Kirkland, the child is your teacher. Kirkland 'in spirit', will be your guide!"

Keep guiding me, baby....please never leave my side!

I love you my 'funna funna baby bowa'..omg Kirkie, I love you

Mama

xoxoxoxoxox

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 5:24 AM CST

Good morning,

So I have been so low over the past couple of weeks and just can't seem to pick myself up...emotionally exhausted actually.
And how does my little angel boy in heaven intervene?
On Monday he sent me a penny and three songs on the radio- all over the course of an hour.

Last night I went walking with the boys and enjoyed lots of bantering back and forth...throwing into snowbanks and pushing into muddy puddles. I also relished feeling my 14- year old's arm around my waist and hand-holding in the dark because no one would notice. And also my 11 year old...keeping his distance for fear that I might actually destroy his image but coping a cuddle along the way LOL. But yet also making his presence felt through the constant "Mom..." conversations that served to reinforce that he was there too and loved me even though I wasn't allowed to touch him!!!

And not to be outdone by his brothers, Kirkland decided to pull a bravo from heaven to amaze his mom as well.
Yesterday was admittedly mild and the snow banks have now lowered from 6 feet at the end of my driveway to about 3 feet but it is still very much wintertime in Canada.

That being said, the days are getting longer...the sun often feels like spring...and we're reminded that yes...winter is not gone yet...but will be SOON!!!!!
So last night as we walked in the darkness, the boys were play-fighting behind me and I had a quiet moment. I had just mentioned to them to look for pennies from Kirkland reflecting in the streetlight. I had secretly been looking for then as we walked under the lights.

So...just as I whispered, "Come on Bubbie send me a penny...." I looked down and what catches my eye??? Not a penny! I stopped and re-adjusted my gaze as the boys toppled into me and we all stared in amazement as a big fluffy caterpillar crawled along the wet sidewalk next to the snow.

What the f^$% was a caterpillar doing there in the middle of February in the Great White North??!! I had the biggest smile on my face as I admired the power my angel son has from above to make his presence felt. Incredible!!
Evan knelt down and picked it up and put it over on the snow so it wouldn't be stepped on and we continued walking.

I talked about it for a while and laughed when Evan finally said,
"Enough already Mom...big deal...so Kirkie sent us a caterpillar!!!"
And I smiled at that too and love the fact that my boys accept these presents from heaven as a given in life...whereas the majority of he world exists non-phased by the little miracles that are given to us by God everyday of our lives.

So I arrived home refreshed and happy...my load lightened a little by simply feeling the love of my three sons!!!
I love you, Evan, Carson, and Kirkie. I am so wonderfully blessed to have you all in my life!! xoxoxoxox

Now..off to work I go. Have a good day my friends.
luv Kelly xo

Wednesday, January 21, 2009 4:57 PM CST

Saturday, January 10, 2009 8:58 AM CST

Some mornings I wake up and come to this page...and I have to look at all the pictures and reread the passages just to convince myself that this all really happened...that Kirkland was my baby...that his lifetime existed...

It all seems so unreal at times but then I hear from one of my special needs friends or Mito March business pops up and I'm thrown back into this world. I'm afraid I still haven't quite figured out how to meld the two yet and I often find myself flustered because I just want it to have happened already. Yet instead, I feel trapped in a vacuum...hanging in limbo...going through the motions of life but from the outside looking in.

I wonder if ever again I will feel like I have it together???

Monday, December 15, 2008 6:06 PM CST

Hi,
I'm so sad to come on here and write that another angel has earned her wings. Kirkland's Godmother and my dear, dear friend Pauline, passed away on Saturday night. She had been fighting cancer off and on for around 9 years, defying the odds with heroic strength sending her Non-Hodgkins (mantle cell) Lymphoma into remission and later developing a form of leukemia that eventually took her life despite a bone marrow transplant.

Her most recent admission was at Princess Margaret Hospital and spanned six months. We were down to see her a couple of weeks ago and she was struggling but was in great spirits and hoped to be home for Christmas day. We had fun visiting and were happy that she had the strength she did and was her old self. The next day, doctors told them that her numbers were increasing and if they didn't reverse, there wasn't much more to be done.

Dan called here Friday afternoon to tell us that she had less than a day or two and we rushed down to the city that evening. I will be forever grateful to him for allowing us visit with her at such a precious time. That day had seen her decline and by the time we arrived she was sleeping peacefully without waking.

I took down Kirkie's little stuffed dog, "Sammy" and when I got there, rubbed it on her cheek and told her that I'd brought Kirkie's dog to keep with her. And when I did that and unable to open her eyes, she let out the most beautiful smile that lasted the duration of our conversation while she tried to make sounds in reply.
The moment that followed will always be one of the most treasured memories of friendship that I will ever have. At that time, I whispered in her ear that I loved her, reassured her that she was going to the most beautiful place ever, and that Kirkie would be there to help her.

And then as if right out of a book and holding back my tears, I begged her to take care of my baby when she got there and I promised to do the same for her here. I kissed her forehead, told her I loved her and told her to go...told her we were sad for ourselves but would be okay and would take care of each other and her kids.

It was so special...probably the most beautiful moment in our friendship that I ever shared and I will forever cherish it. We stayed a couple of hours and by the time we left, she was no longer responsive but was resting quite peacefully. Twenty-four hours later and surrounded by her family, she went to heaven- leaving us all to marvel at the exemplary life she led, her strength, courage, and the lessons she taught us.

Dan came to see us upon his arrival home Saturday night but I have not spoken to them yet- wanting to give them the privacy that they need following a very exhausting and busy hospital stay. Gerry took food and spoke to Michelle on the phone today. They are as best as can be expected and the house has been flooded with visitors since yesterday morning.

I feel peace which is all I can ask at this point. I think I will be fine for them this week as we gather to celebrate her life. I had my time to feel sorry for my loss...and now my sadness lies with her family who will struggle to come to terms with the heartache of having lost one so dear. My only consolation is that she is now with Kirkland and they now take care of one another in heaven. We have had many signs over the past week which reassure us that all is well. I will share them another time.

For now, I wanted to come on and share the information regarding her arrangements:

************************************************************************
Friends will be received at the J.S. Jones & Son Funeral Home, 11582 Trafalgar Rd., north of Maple Ave., Georgetown 905-877-3631 on Wednesday from 3-5 & 7-9 p.m. and on Thursday from 12 noon until 1:30 p.m.. A Mass of Christian Burial will be held at Holy Cross Catholic Church (224 Maple Ave., Georgetown) on Thursday December 18th, 2008 at 2:00 p.m.. Cremation.

************************************************************************

Sighhhhhhh....words aren't flowing right now...I have nothing profound to offer you. We face another great loss...a fantastic lady...devoted wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend. I will miss you Pauly...God...how I'll miss you chortle as I peek over the fence looking for your homemade pie- hot, out-of-the-oven! I will be lonely for you my friend but it offers me bittersweet peace to know that you now cradle my child.
I love you, Pauline! I look across my front lawn and there is a lonely but peaceful ache in my heart.

Signs Pauly! Send more signs!!!! *smiles, my friend*

Kelly xo

Dan, Pauline & Kirkland
October 2004

November 2001

November 2001

November 2001

Kirkland's 3rd birthday March 2004

Tuesday, December 2, 2008 7:39 PM CST

Thank you so much for popping by. I am so touched by the beautiful words and visits I've had by so many of you dear friends and family.
Hmmmm...Kirkland's angelversary has arrived and yes it's been a very difficult day for all of us but we made it through. I stayed home from work...not knowing what to expect from myself and it was a wise decision. I wanted time to myself to cry my guts out if need be with no one here.

My day started much the same as it it did a year ago. Anita came by unexpectedly. But this year I was awake unlike last year when I opened my eyes out of a deep sleep to see her sitting on the edge of my bed in tears.
Today..in pure Anita style, she showed up with this gift for me...

A box of kleenex to catch my tears, a tim's, and this ridiculous pic of her that makes me laugh and always feel so much better. Only a friend of 32 years eh?? LMAO "Never fear...Anita is here"

I love you Anit muah xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

When she left...I laid in bed holding Tigger and Sammy, listening to mine and Kirk's favourite music and the tears poured...and I screamed...and I felt nauseous...and I sobbed...and I popped an ativan...and I settled and I (somewhat) sang...and I admired the sculptures of his beautiful hands and piggies...and I slowly settled down just in time for the first member of my family to invade my solitude.

And as I quietly lay there listening to our music, I wondered what I was going to write here today...what kind of tribute I could ever write for a child as super as Kirkland. I hadn't put a memorial announcement in the paper, I didn't order balloons to release, I didn't order a flower arrangement to put in his garden. I'd done nothing for him as of yet.

And it suddenly came to me that as usual...yes I would write a tribute but this time there would be a twist to it.
The tribute would consist of lyrics and words taken totally from songs through which we communicated while he was alive and through which we continue communicate now that he's back on the other side.
So this composition will not consist of my words but rather will be more like a compilation of others' words that document our story.
I think I can do it fairly creatively if I put myself to the task.

So I spent this afternoon with Kirkland...and we started choosing the words, stanzas, and choruses that will make up our creation. And once again, as has been typical with my grief...music has soothed and is continuing to heal my soul.
This creation was put on hold late this afternoon as I realized that Kirkland's memory tree still needed to take its place in our living room.

So with candles in the window, Kirkland's relaxation music playing, and tears streaming down my face again- I faced the box that held my baby boy's Christmas treasures...lots of collectors...and many homemade by Kirk...Baby's first Christmas...the ornaments he made us last year with Jody before he died...SickKids ornaments...cherished keepsakes forever and ever.
Here is the result!

I faced the day and have lived to tell about it...despite the swollen eyes, Ativan hang-over...I'd say I'm doing alright and should be able to stand before my students and conduct a lesson or two tomorrow if I get some sleep.

This has certainly been a different occasion for me...a day where I stepped back into my old world for just one day. Today I time-travelled back a year. That's what it felt like. For today at least, most of my current life vanished and I was a million miles away, allowing myself to travel a hard journey along a familiar path.

Today however, the trip was slightly different for I noticed that the hard, cracked, bare mud that used to mark the path is slowly being replaced by grassy patches, no longer trampled, and hence free to sprout. The odd buttercup and clover is starting to smile in the sunlight as well. Yes the mud is still there along the route no doubt, but nature's beauty has become more apparent as time passes and the clouds are giving way to sunlight.

Thanks for continuing to travel the path with me...please be cautious not to step on the buttercups...stop and admire them..they truly are beautiful!

I luv u all,
Kelly xoxo

Saturday, November 29, 2008 11:33 AM CST

How many of you have ever really hugged your child? Do you know what a hug was for me this morning?

Resting my head on Carson’s chest as he played xbox with tears streaming down my cheeks, and thanking God that the heartbeat that I was listening to was so strong. Then relishing the beauty of my oldest who took over and held me while I cried and offered me a hippo kiss to help me feel better. Now THOSE are hugs!!

It’s been several months since the tears or pain have been this close and have threatened my inner peace as they have this past week. But it’s okay. I need to feel it right now and I’m allowing it back into my world as any mother would who faces the first anniversary of her child’s death or who realizes that only one short year ago, she turned off her child’s feed and allowed him to sleep his way back to heaven. And yes…it is only appropriate that in facing this occasion, I turn to this journal as was always the case when Kirkland was alive. And so do you my friends, as a way to deal with your loss as well.

So as always…I start by saying that I am okay…honestly. Please understand that the strength you so often admire in me is not my own but that of a greater source...one that has been sustaining me throughout this time in my life. So I know you mean well when you offer words of admiration but in actuality they are misdirected. I have simply tapped into the universal healing energy that is available to all of us for the taking. The difference for me is that the challenging circumstances that I faced with Kirkland accelerated my ability to understand it and this knowledge is now a large part of my essence.

Indeed, I still view Kirkland’s life as my greatest lesson ever to be learned and he, the greatest teacher I will ever have. That being said however, I admit still to struggling with the human emotions that threaten to interfere and overtake this knowledge. But that’s okay...it’s why we’re here. Our human emotions are meant to do just that…to interfere, distort, challenge, and confuse. They have been placed before us…to prompt reactions (often irrational), serving as an experiment prompting questions- open to interpretation. Ultimately, in the end, this emotional experience results in soul growth- which is the only true reason why we exist in this realm.

Some of us will ‘get it’ during this lifetime and after passing over, will celebrate that our soul was finally able to triumph over ego. Other souls will not be there yet when time comes to return to the other side…and will arrive there only to reflect back over the recent human lifetime and realize their shortfalls. But that too is okay…as we are all at different points in the soul journey and all lessons, positive or negative promote growth.

Sigh…

I entered this site this morning, a mere ego struggling to understand the pain of my existence. I depart now…my inner peace restored…intact…able to deal with the turmoil that may attack over the next few days. This journal is the meditation that allows my soul to manifest miracles, overtake egotistical machinations and hence, keep earthly pain at bay.

All is well…How blessed I am!
Thank you Kirkland. I love you Boukie…so much xoxoxoxo

Friday, November 7, 2008 12:27 AM CST

Some of the original Mito March organizers.
Gerry, me, Tracey, Sue, Gayle

WooHoo!! Last night, 'Mito March for Kirkland' became a patron on the donor wall at SickKids Hospital in Toronto.

We have donated over $164,000 to date to the Mitochondrial researchers in honour of Kirkland.

I can't thank you enough for your support over the years. This special honour is a cherished gift that wouldn't be possible without all of you here by our sides.

Love you all,
Kelly xoxoxo

Thursday, October 30, 2008 9:57 PM CDT

Damn...I didn't ever think I'd have to have my heart in my mouth again from talking to Kirkland's doctors!
When you are the parent of a child as sick as Kirkland was...life as his caregiver is an emotional roller-coaster.

Appointments and calls from docs, have a way of bringing sweeping nausea the minute bad news is delivered. It's debilitating and destroys you for several days and then you catch your breath and climb back up to continue the fight for your child's sake..

I thought I was free of that finally...that sickness in the pit of my stomach.
But I am the one who pursued this recently...I called to inquire as to the progress being made regarding the lab error that led to Kirkland's misdiagnosis of Niemann-Pick Disease. I suppose I could have just let it slide for a little while longer but it's been under investigation since May.

So anyway... I just opened my mail and received a reply from Kirk's mito doc.
But... there are no answers in the email. She needs to meet with us within the next week or so to discuss it... along with several other of the hospital staff.

I read it and took a big gulp. That old familiar sick feeling is back.. F@#$!!!!!!!!
My special needs parent friends know exactly what I'm talking about here. GOD... my kid died and I still have to deal with it all!

So then I started thinking...OK...when's the soonest I can get down there to deal with the news and overcome the shock?
And what's my biggest fear/suspicion? Hmmm..the tissue sample that we've been testing isn't Kirk's and we've lost Kirkland's for good now. Therefore, never having the link to his genetic mutation.
But I can't be sure...and shouldn't think so negatively, I suppose. What else could it be though? A new disease...not mito... and perhaps we missed it because of the tissue mix-up?
Or perhaps they've finally made an accurate diagnosis and need to speak to us in person??

Sighhhhhhhh....
How ironic is it that it's Hallowe'en and I'm being haunted!
However, it's not the spirit of my dead son that haunts me...rather it's that of this disease... Or maybe I should rephrase that and ask, "What disease are we talking about???" Will someone please tell me once and for all.... exactly what we're facing here!!!!

Hmmmmm...where did I put that Ativan?
The roller-coaster ride continues my friends.........
Stay tuned I'll post when/if I get some answers.

luv Kelly xo

Thanks for continuing to visit despite the lack of up-to-date journalling. I appreciate having your support as the journey continues. :)

Monday, October 20, 2008 6:07 AM CDT

Good Morning!!

Thank you everyone who, since 2005 has helped raise awareness and funds for mitochondrial disease researchers at SickKids Hospital.

Our total donated to date is over $164,000!!!!!
The organizers and I couldn't be prouder.
You're great!!!

luv Kelly xoxo

Friday, October 10, 2008 1:34 PM CDT

Saturday update:

I've been struggling with yet another holiday without Kirkland....and trying to be thankful at the same time.
"How do I do that?" I wondered this morning.

So I opened my journal and started flipping back to Thanksgivings gone by. I came across this entry from 2006 and compare Kirkland's life now in heaven to that when he was alive on Earth. Here's what I found:

Just to let you know that Kirkland's not in great shape right now. He's not been able to urinate without catheterization for over 24 hours and he's in pretty heavy pain. The whines and whimpers are pretty non-stop which means excruciating pain. I've been running advil and tylenol round the clock and the seizures are too many to keep track of on paper.

I'm pretty sure the problem is stool back-up from high up in the intestines but the enemas don't go up far enough and the gastrolyte we've been running from above is becoming ineffective. I think we're at the point that I've worried about for a while when I've asked, "What do we do when the enemas stop working?"

I've spoken with palliative care at SickKids and we're going to try Citro-Mag through the g-j tube and a couple more enemas. She's ready to call in something more for pain later on if needed and we're on alert re: heading down to SickKids.

I can't bear to see him in so much pain. His breathing is shallow because it hurts his tummy to breathe too deeply. Therefore, he's not coughing well either so we run the risk of pneumonia. His heart rate has been really high too and I can't keep the bi-pap on him becuase his sats are too low from mouth-breathing. It's really difficult for me to cath him because his tummy is so full...It's a vicious circle.

I will come on later to let you know what his status is. The boys are really upset- as are Gerry and I. It's been quite some time since an inpatient stay has been a reality for us. Please pray that it is averted.

Will keep you posted.
luv Kelly xoxo

I AM THANKFUL HE IS IN THE ARMS OF THE ANGELS AND NO LONGER SUFFERING IN MINE.
That is very difficult to come to terms with but it is true. I am satisfied that he lives pain-free in my heart and soul. That has to be enough for me.

Hug your kids everyone!!
luv Kelly xoxoxo

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Friday Oct 11,2008

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving, my friends.
There's a white board at my school where people have been writing what they'll be thankful for this weekend. I saw this drawing in today's paper and had to cut it out.
I was unable to think of what in particular I was thankful for- until now.

I'm thankful that there are kids out there who still have their brothers and sisters because of SickKids Hospital and due to all the good that has been done in honour and memory of Kirkland.

I couldn't be more thankful to know that some families won't have to endure that which we have...that other siblings out there may not have to endure the heartache that Evan and Carson have because SickKids is advancing in the world of research.

Enjoy your weekend,
luv Kelly xoxo

Saturday, September 6, 2008 12:30 AM CDT

Wow...it's been more than a month since I've written. I don't think I've ever gone that long but I suppose I've needed the break as I often do during the summer.

The months following Kirkland's death have been somewhat bizarre...if nothing else. Especially since June when Mito March ended and I accepted a position to go back to teaching. I have spent the summer being very self-refective...taking the time for myself that I wasn't permitted to take directly following Kirkland's death because of event preparations.
The best word I can think of to explain my state of mind is insular.

Gerry and the boys did a fair bit of camping while I stayed home. I had very little desire to do anything...too much effort; too little energy. And the summer has just disappeared.

I've struggled with my return to school. I realize it is a necessary part of my grief process and I am o.k. with it for the most part but to say that it was "no biggy" would be quite the understatement.

The days leading up to the first day of school were quite emotional for me and often anxiety-ridden. As logical as I try to be...my return to school has represented a final severing of my life as Kirkland's care-giver....a "moving-on" if you will. That is an incredible thought to come to terms with...as so many of my 'angel mom' friends already know.

To walk into school on Tuesday and recognize some of the kids from Kirkland's class last year...to force myself to go over to the one special needs boy after realizing that his seating system is the same as Kirk's.. and to talk to him and rub his leg...all without tears...Sigh...That was hard.

But I've done it...that's the main thing. However unorganized and scattered I may be!!
The craziest first week of school yet. LOL
Evan started high school, Carson started senior school, I started junior school...and Gerry's unemployed again!!

That being said, I recognize that I've sorely neglected so many of my friends and family over the past couple of months. It's been a necessary part of my grief process so I hope you understand. I will come out of it but am still struggling to keep my head above water. Meanwhile...I assure you that I am fine...happy with the course my life is taking...no severe heartache and pain regarding the loss of Kirkland. My faith is stronger than ever...he is with me supporting me when I am incapable.
I depend on his strength.

Yes I miss him...but I do not long for him to be with me. Over the years I've shared in many parents' grief processes and there is often a common thread...a feeling that there was no better place for their child to be than in their care...with their love...and that they could never be better taken care of then by their moms.
I've never shared this same thought. I will never consider myself to be the best one to care for Kirkland and this to be the best place for him. He suffered under my earthly guardianship...despite all our human efforts. We all suffered tremendously and shared his pain.
We are now washed of that pain. Kirkland's wings freed us.

I am learning to appreciate having being gifted with this glorious chance to live life on earth outside of pain's grasp if I so choose. Hence I have made a conscious effort not to destroy this precious gift by wallowing in grief and pity. I will spread God's love and be happy as He intends.
I recognize that through Kirkland's death, I too have been released.

Indeed, there are many ways to view death... and although I may choose to see it this way I recognize that we all have our own road to travel. No 'one' route is necessarily better than another...just different scenery along the roadside and plenty to be learned no matter what point we're at in our journey.

I mentioned Kirkland's wings...
I took the plunge for those of you who don't know yet and got a tattoo for him.
I'll leave you with it...our freedom wings.

Until next time,
luv Kelly xoxoxo

Thank you for continuing to share in Kirkland's and my journey. I love you all and will eventually be in touch. xoxo

Tuesday, August 5, 2008 11:46 AM CDT

I am still here. I know some worry and wonder what is happening in my current life.
I cannot write...for two reasons really...

First there has been an emotional block between me and this- Kirkland's world. Secondly...there is nowhere left for me to experience the solitude I need in which to write. I have lost that place in my world.

It used to be here in my quiet living room alongside Kirkland's hospital bed...alone with him at my side. Now that space is empty. The room is full of noise and chaos. I glance over at the end table from time to time and view the beautiful photo of him looking into my eyes last summer.

My God...some days pass and my life just happens without him here. Yesterday...I was horrified when I realized that I hadn't even thought of him for 24 hours. I went for my walk to try and find him. I was panicked...How could a mother not think of the baby she's lost?

So I walked my usual route and begged his forgiveness, asking him why he allowed me to exist without him in my heart for periods of time...or so it seemed.
My heart was heavy.

The music played through my headphones as I pushed onward. "Psycho Killer...Qu'est-ce que c'est...ah ug ug ug....."

And I walked.

The next song that randomly played was, "In the Arms of an Angel". And my heart skipped a beat as I started to become more in tune with my son.

And I walked.

That song continued. Glancing downward, I noticed a lifeless butterfly on the sidewalk...still beautiful in its earthly body.

And I walked.

I asked Kirkland to stay near me...to help me feel okay again...

And I walked.

I turned around to head home and in doing so, looked down once again only to have my attention drawn to a dull penny lying there in front of my foot. I stopped with a smile and picked it up. There was that same tear that often trickles down my cheek and tickles as the wind dries it.
My special child as it was quickly becoming apparent, was there again making everything all better.

And the smile on my face grew as I clutched the penny tightly in my hand and walked onward...suddenly not feeling so alone anymore. Advancing a short distance...my glance once again fell upon that same butterfly...lying on the walkway.

And I suppose, with the penny to remind me...I stopped to look, slowly bending down to pick it up so its beauty would not be crushed by someone's foot. As I held it, its wing moved and I discovered that indeed, it was not dead at all. As I watched, its wings swayed side to side..

And I walked...butterfly and penny in hand.

Coming across a wall I stopped and placed the butterfly up out of harm's way. Then, still firmly clutching my penny I walked home with Kirkland beside me all the way...just as he always is.

I was walking up the driveway just as, "Pull Me Through" by Jim Cuddy started to play. Again I recognized this gift from Kirkland so I stopped to rest on the stone bench in his little memory garden. And placing the penny down on the bench beside me, I listened to the words...

"...you could always pull me through..even when I'm lying here drowning in my blues ...you take the sting out of the rain and bring the sun back up again...you could always pull me through..."

The music finished and abruptly brought me back to the present. But as I stood, my hand swept the penny off the bench into the surrounding grass. I knelt down...pulling grass while searching for the penny but with no success. It was gone once again...or so one might claim if he believes our existence in this world to be purely physical. Fortunately for me...I've been blessed with a son who taught me that it is other than that...a son who continues to gently prod me during times when my ability to recognize this miracle weakens.

And I know there will come a time one day soon, when life will be whizzing by too quickly and I'll be driven to go looking for Kirkland again in search of that special connection we have.

And I will walk.

But what I also know is that on that day as I stop to rest in his garden, a dull little penny will resurface as it often does, assuring me that all is well in both mine a Kirkland's world.

Thank you precious baby.
I love you so much Kirk...I miss you baby boy....I miss you so much........
Please don't ever leave me.
xoxoxoxoxo

Monday, July 21, 2008 11:01 AM CDT

TUES JUL. 22

OMG Betty...I so need that beach you told me about where it pours heavy rain so my tears are invisible and the waves crash so loudly against that rocks that no one would ever hear my sobs and screams.
I highly doubt that anyone here would understand if I removed myself and found my way to that place for a while.....

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Good morning my friends,

I'm just lying here spending a moment with Kirkland. I find I need to stop and take the time to do that now. My life is racing along at a fast pace but my emotions are still in slow motion so I have to slow myself down in order to get in touch with my grief. As if that really makes any sense...but it does to me.

The best way for me to be with Kirkland is to listen to his music. He had a beautiful collection of relaxation music, zen and meditation...classical etc. But I haven't listened to those cd's since he died. I can't yet.

So this morning I unwrapped the plastic off a CD that I received from my friend Maire when Kirkland died. I placed it in my stereo and have been spending time with him. It's a beautiful CD called, "Deep Peace" by Bill Douglas and takes me to heaven with Kirkland where I once again am able to feel his presence and the peacefulness of his soul. I miss that and often forget that I'm able to go there with him anytime.
Thank you Maire...this is beautiful. You are a dear friend. xoxo

And as I lay there with my eyes closed, I felt two or three tears run down my cheeks. I left them untouched- symbolically I suppose, for as long as I could before they tickled too much and I had to wipe away the beauty they represented of the extraordinary love I have for my child.

As I felt them fall, I was taken back to an entry that I recalled having written many months ago where I described a ticklish tear running down my cheek in the ER at SickKids Hospital. Suddenly I had to read it. It seemed so important to compare these current tears with those of the past.
Good thing I'm organized and was able to quickly find the date of that hospital stay and then look it up here in my journal history.

I've read it again...and cry now for myself, for Kirkland, for the pain and hurt we endured.
However, these new tears my friends, will never hurt like those of the past...never!

Does anyone remember this entry?...For some reason it is significant to me today and I will re-post it.
How far we have come! It seems like years...but the tears still tickle my cheek in the same way and need to be eventually wiped away. The pain is different....but admittedly is easing for me...The love for my child only grows as I get stronger and am able to process the trauma our souls endured while he was here on earth....

Saturday, March 10, 2007 8:42 AM CST

***FYI, now that I've had a nap, I've added a few more details of our stay. As of this time, 19:10, Kirkland is relatively comfortable and has had a bath given by "Adda" (Kirkie's word for Gerry)
Please keep us in your prayers...I'm told that a few neo-natal units have been shut down in the area due to killer viruses...great- just what we need to worry about now. I guess I'd better check the news for the facts...sigh***
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(Saturday morning)
Okay,
So we arrived home via ambulance at 2:30am this morning. I have a splitting headache so I'll come back on soon with the details of our visit if I don't get far right now.

We didn't have to play the ambulance game for too long this time. Thankfully, palliative sent up a transfer ambulance from Toronto so we could be at SickKids within 5 hours of our initial call. (Thank you, Maria!) Last admission, it took us a day and a half to get there with a full left lung collapse.

The condition for Kirk's ambulance transport this time however,was based on some technicality that I would need to push the stretcher into Emerg by myself with all my stuff without the paramedics because apparently a transfer ambulance paramedic is not allowed to bring a patient into Emerg???? Whatever!!! Just get us there please!
When I volunteered to do that, our paramedics wouldn't hear of it and looked at me like I had four heads when I told them that these were the the conditions I'd been given??? Oh well...

We remained in Emerg our entire stay. At one point, they buzzed down because the pharmacy was wondering if I'd brought all Kirk's meds from home. When I told them yes, they said I could use them and then they wouldn't have to admit us and enter all the med orders etc....
So over the next several hours, I sat in our little cube and watched and listened to pages from the bed manager, as one by one they took families upstairs to the ward where Kirkland should have been.

There just 'has' to be a better way to deal with us when we're there!
I refuse to do it again! It's too hard on both Kirk and I. Here we are- stuck in this tiny exam room that had no heat regulation so it was a sauna the entire time and I needed to keep cold compresses on Kirk's head to keep him out of seizure...absolutely ridiculous!

Anyway, in a nutshell...
The ER doc ran *8* x-rays to be sure we weren't dealing with a fracture- the technician initially thought it was an error. To be fair, I did emphasize that Kirkland hadn't screamed and cried like that in 3.5 years and he could possibly have a break. She wanted to rule out any chance which I appreciated.
A debate ensued between radiology and orthopaedics as to whether there was a new fracture in the same location on his femur that was broken in 2004. Ortho won and said no.
The ER doc thought she might do some upper body x-rays before I said no. Then she went on to tell me she'd send Kirk home if the x-rays came back fine and looked at me like I was insane when I questioned why she wasn't requisitioning IGT for a tube check.
She didn't know if she'd be able to convince them we needed to be there, she explained.

What the h&^s that!??

I tried to remain calm when I suggested she simply mention, "It's Kirkland Kilbride," and that should do the trick. In turn, we went to IGT yesterday afternoon after much suggesting on my part and a personal message left for the G-Tube nurse to expedite the process myself, as recommended by the ER doc the night before... just in case.

I'd also called Metabolics in hopes of talking to our doc about changing the G-J Tube to a G-Tube so it might be easier on Kirk plus would allow his tummy to vent gas easier. I'd need however to confer with her prior to going up to IGT so I put out an early morning message for her to contact me but unfortunately never got to speak with her personally. Palliative was out on home visits and I didn't heard from them prior to heading up so the
G-J tube stays and I got nowhere with that idea...so much for that last ditch effort to try something different.

When first up on screen, it appeared as though the tube might be intersecepted in the intestine (eaten up by or up against the intestine wall and extremely painful) but when verified on the ultrasound, it didn't indicate it. The doc said that Kirk could be experiencing brief episodes of it so didn't hesitate to replace it and shortened it by an inch compared to the old tube so hopefully that helps. There's no way to really know at this point if it's what was responsible for that acute pain except to observe.

The x-rays prior to the tube change showed the abdomen and intestines full of gas which is a area of great concern for me but we weren't visited by anyone who could do anything about it. Kirk continues squirm in discomfort this morning but we can only do what we're able to at this point. Now that we've ruled out a few things...I assume with no consultation from our docs, that I'm just to turn down the rate of feed until he's comfortable and eventually we'll get to a point where it's off permanently. This was the plan at Christmas, anyway.

I'm very defeated right now never mind totally exhausted. It was very busy in there, I had minimal relief to even get food when I needed it cause you can't leave your child's side in Emerg. The nurse covered me off while he was recovering in IGT so I could go get some food at 3pm.
I laid pillowless, on a lumpy cot and listened to screaming kids, stressed-out parents, all in a sweltering hot room the whole time...at least Kirk was able to get some sleep but bedsores were starting to look like a reality due to the toughness of the stretcher, if we hadn't escaped when we did.

Sometimes I just feel pretty taken for granted...I just deal with it all...it's all routine...I cope....I just do it amid the "Code 50 in Emergency now" pages that indicate a trauma is being wheeled in on the opposite side of our door, or the 15 loud family members of the ear infection patient who was just brought in and who station themselves outside my room gawking at Kirkland through the door, forcing me to shut it for privacy. Hence forcing us to suffer from the unbearable, malfunctioning heating system while their ear infection kid has just been given 'the' cool room for which I've been longing for the past twenty-four hours.

There's no dignity for us in those situations...for me and my dying child who just take it because we have no other choice and suck it up with a smile in hopes of getting what little attention we can muster up from the over-worked nurses.

Last evening I managed to score a CD player so I laid on my cot, again pillowless, amid the chaos and turned on JACK FM. (I swear, and I've said it before- I'm going to take $10 grand from our proceeds and buy some "parent only" pillows for that hospital!)Anyway...for a short moment I closed my eyes and was taken back to the 80's. For one song I was back at my favourite McMaster Univ. pub, "The John"...dancing to "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by 'The Clash'. Then I was taken back to my Canlab days, out having fun after work to, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper. A single tear ran down my cheek until it tickled too much and I wiped it away...

The incessant beeping of Kirkland's IV soon became too difficult to ignore so I turned off the radio, braved the mob outside my door and wandered off to the nurses' station. It amazes me how a desk clerk can make eye contact with you at least three times before realizing you're there for a legitimate purpose....sigh...

Alas, we are home!
It's breakfast, then off to bed for me.

luv Kelly xoxox

Oh...something I forgot to mention...
Last night wen I was giving report to Kirk's new nurse at shift change I mentioned that he was felt to be end-of-life in December. She looked at me perplexed and asked if I had any special protocol I'd like them to follow should he go into arrest.

I said, "The DNR? Oh ya I have the original here but there's a current copy in his chart cause we were just here in December."

She said, "Oh, we don't have his chart in Emerg cause we haven't admitted him so we aren't required to have it on hand. Can I get a copy of that DNR anyway please?" We went home 4 hours later and all along I'd stupidly thought at least someone in that place had made themselves aware of Kirkland's history...I know, I know - never assume anything!
Come to think of it...that explains why we were sent upstairs to IGT with only a few sheets of paper instead of a binder to hand in when we went up for the procedure.

It's sad that so many of my special needs parent friends can relate all too well to what I'm saying. Although I must say, I never thought I'd witness it at SickKids...
I know that if we want dignity at this point in Kirk's life we should be going to Rose Cherry's house or some place like that. Unfortunately...they don't do x-rays or tube changes there...Hmmm, maybe I should write Don Cherry to suggest it??

bye
Kelly xo

Ironically, 'Time Of Your Life' by Green Day is currently playing on the radio as I write. The lyrics are making me smile,

"It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right...I hope you had the time of your life."

sighhhhhhh.......the music has stopped now and it is time to resume my day....parallel lives?
SUCK IT UP, KELLY (as the saying goes...)

Thanks for continuing to be here for me.

luv Kelly xo

Thursday, July 10, 2008 9:59 PM CDT

Evening all,

I was on Megan's page today and read this incredible entry written by Christine...so in the spirit of 'not re-inventing the wheel', I asked her if I could copy it onto Kirk's page so you can hear how our mito conference went in Indy. She's a gracious hostess...LOL
Here's what she's written so far...(and you thought I liked to write!!! LOL)

Thanks Christine...you tell the story beautifully!!
luv Kelly xo

INDIANAPOLIS

DAY 1 - WOW.....What else can I say....It was one of the most amazing, fun, revealing and sad experiences of my life...

We arrived in Indy, at 9:30 a.m on thursday morning...a day early for the conference, we were greeted by a sleek black stretch limo that took us to our hotel...The Hyatt was both gorgeous, huge, and comfortable....We decided to check in early drop off our bags and check out the symposium,, ( as it was the doctors seminars going on)...We saw Dr.Tarnopolsky mingling among the professionals, we said hello, and chatted for a moment. We were greeted with warm hugs and laughter from Dr.Feigenbaum from Sick Kids... we looked around, bought some UMDF Mito T-Shirts,( really cute ), we registered early , and than it was time to SHOP.....We walked across to the mall, but it was a bit pricey,,,not many deals...so we asked some locals where the nearest outlet mall was.....45 min North in Edinborough, Indiana, so we rented a car , hopped in, grabbed a map and set out for a day of shopping and much needed girl time.....(Stephanie by the way was an excellent navigator). We arrived at our destination in 30 minutes...oops. The outlet mall was huge....sorta like the military mall outlet in bufallo, all the stores were outside, and it was 5 times bigger....WHOOOO HOOOOO!

We shopped....and shopped....and shopped, until some suspect tornado activity almost put a stop to our day, however we overcame the weather, hopped in the car, and headed for The Olive Garden, in a near by town for dinner, YUMMY ! is all I can say, we were so wiped out that when the wine came, we were giddy like school girls......I brought home some of thier famous salad dressing for dave..(it's his favourite). we left there at approx 9:00 p.m., we were driving back to the hotel when we saw WALMART...which was glorified in neon lights, and lit up so it could be seen from miles away....Steph pulled a quick U-Turn ( did I mention she is a crazy driver) and in we went,,,,Kelly wasn't so amused, she wanted the huge fluffy pillows and quilted pillow top mattress back at the hotel...but hell no, we were shoppin baby! We made a plan - meet up at the cash in 15 minutes......yeah! that didn't happen..Kelly went to try on clothes, steph went lookin for butt cream for Alexis, Jody was off to the natural product section...and me.....the booze....O.M.G. it was so cheap there...$11.95 for a 26er of vodka....We bought two small bottles of vineyard mist to drink at the hotel....finally we were done shopping.. We returned the rental car, and carried our bags up to the room, we actually did put the phrase " Shop till you Drop" to use....WE DROPPED....! HARD !

DAY 2- UP Early ! 6:00 a.m. wake up call......Too Early! We got up showered got dressed, grabbed our notebooks, and pens, and UMDF bags, and headed to the third floor for the beginning of our day, there was starbucks coffee, and tea, (incl. flavor shots), muffins, pastries, friut platters, bagels, and cream cheese.....a mini feast to supply our brains with the much needed power for the days events...It started off slow, we looked around for familiar faces from caringbridge families or friends from mito yahoo group, we posted our pictures of our kids on the message board, with little notes. The Canadians have arrived ! !.. we were ushered into a grande ballroom filled with round tables that seated 10, there was a large screen, with a computer for presentations and a stage with tables and a podium at the front..The room filled up quickly, 30, than 40 than over 100 people poured into the room, people of all races, nationalities, and abitlities...there were wheelchairs, and walkers, and communication devices, doctors and patients and parents all in the same room. I remember thinking " wow...this was promising "

We listened to a few peolple talk about welcoming us, and what the symposium was all about, who was there to speak, and than a group of very determined docs and students got up to the podium to speak about "Mitochondrial clinics -How to Jumpstart your Engine" they spoke about how to get a mito clinic going in your area, how to pick the right team members to make it a success ( pediatricians, dieticians, neuroligists, social workers, cardiologists,geneticists,nurses) it was so overwhelming for me, all the work that goes into a clinic. and they were asking these parents to do it...to fundraise for a clinic in their area...? Huh?

It was an intense brain overloading morning of medical information...we had a break for lunch.....when we re-entered the ballroom it was filled with double the amount of round tables, adorned with crips white tablecloths, the tables were set with goblets of water, silverwear, plates, little pats of round butter in dishes, goblets of iced tea ( no sugar) salt, pepper, and a dessert tray with a selection of tasty treats... The tables had tall silver place markers that stood in the centre of each table, placed in them were all the states, for the U.S., one for International , and yes one for Canada......The tables were arranged so you could sit with people from your own state, country ,whatever, so you could talk and meet otheres near you. The four of us sat..alone at a table for 10, until two more peolple joined us from Canada....Ken and Helen form Oshawa Ontario, Ken had adult onset. It was really neat to finally meet an adult with mito, and as the symposium went on we met and saw lots adults with mito. Some adults were walking around and talking and blending into the crowd , and others were clearly disabled by the disease, some in wheelchairs, some had communication devices on thier chairs, some were severly debilitated....

The servers were all dressed in black suits, it was quite organized, they were like a well oiled machine, complete with earpeices for communication. Our plates arrived with a heaping display of greens, with chicken, and egg salad and vegetables, they placed the salad dressing on the tables, and we ate...the desserts were delictable! More brainfood....!!!!!!! The afternoon took flight with with 3 more sessions..The first was "Latest Concepts in Mitochondrial medicine" which was quite interesting, Dr.Sumit Parikh ( you might have seen him on t.v, he does House call on CNN, and I believe he has been on Mystery Diagnosis on the The Health Channel on sunday nights.) he spoke about the basic understanding of the disease, symptoms, diagnosis, terminollogy of the disease, and fundamentals of patient management. He was great speaker, he used alot of humor in his presentation, whenever he spoke about the negative aspects of the disease a picture of the Wicked witch of the west fro. - Wizard of Oz- would pop up on the screen. When he apoke about the journey to a diagnosis, a picture of Emerald city popped up, He was quite comical ,and related well to us- (his audience).

Next came Parent's Panel, 4 families sat upon a stage and shared thier families experiences with us. It was one of the more emotional moments of the trip. The first couple described how they had 4 children, and how they lost two of thier daughters to the disease, they spoke about how to cope after death, how to carry on, what to avoid, what to reach for. We were all crying as it had only been 6 months since Kirkland had passed and this topic was especially hard for Kelly. And it was hard because well knew what would eventually come for our children, that we would one day walk in Kelly and Sarah's shoes. The next family talked about how to navigate the system, Medic-Aid, insurance, etc.....informative really. The third couple talked about relying on family and friends for support, and that you cannot go it alone, they described how they let thier friends and family help them, even financially through garage sales, babysitting so they could have date nights, etc.....they were a nice couple. The last family spoke about how their faith has pulled them through, and then the hubby spoke about how to get a wheelchair accessible pimped out mini van...he was hillarious. Just when you thought the day couldn't get rougher it did, our next session was " Ask the Mito Doc-Pediatric Panel" This was a dicsussion on children and thier issues they were facing so far. 4 docs took the stage for quetions from parents, some emotional...some not.....there was alot of focus around life expenctancy, and it was bittersweet to hear them say " the ealier symptoms present themselves in children, the worse off the expectancy will be." I got a bit teary eyed by that comment, it seemed like most of the questions were revolving around children who were school aged and quite able....they read, talked, etc.....Steph and I looked at eachother and were a bit sad about what the future held for our baby girls who were not so able. We finished up the day of sessions, and got ready for our banquet dinner. We were all dolled up, lookin gorgeous, and ready to party...the day had been so emotional and sucked all my braincells out, it was time to hit the bar....Steph and I grabbed a glass of wine, we all chatted with parents, outside of the ballroom, and my nerves were settled instantly. The doors opened and the room looked like it was staged for a wedding, we sat down and that's when we met two of our new mito friends..Karen was from seattle, and I have been chatting with her for about 6 months on caringbridge, her son Justin ( 10) I think! has mito, she was there with her other son and big brother Ryan (18), he was an amazing kid, he came with his mom to the symposium becaus he is Justin's caretaker.....Awwww so sweet. It was great to finally meet up with her.....and chat....and laugh...etc,,,etc....next we met Bo....he was form Nashville, (with a great accent). He told us about his son miles, and his experience with mito and divorce, he was a sweetheart, it took no time for us girls to befriend him, we made friends with another mom who sat at our table and her mother came with her, her daughter was also affected my the disease......After chatting abd getting to everyone at our table it was time to eat, The salad arrived, but I wasn't in the mood for anymore leafy greens....I needed some sustanance....the awards started, ( given to groups or individuals who fundraised for the UMDF)....The appetizer arrived it was a mouthwatering scallop drizzled with some sort of sauce...so delicious and tender.....the main course arrived....poached salmon with a creamy dill sauce, and steak, accompanied by slivered carrotts and asparugus, and parisien potatoes. Yummy ! During the course of our meal, we were introduced to two very inspiring people who were living with the disease......The first was a man named Steve Marriott ( yes his family owns the hotel chain) he had large black sunglasses on, and needed a escort to assist him up to the mic. He spoke about his journey with adult onset, and how recently it has taken his sight, he went on to talk about how he could remember what trees looked like, and the sky, birds, and even the color of swimming pools, but he was now unable to see what his children look like all grown up, or what his grand baby looks like......It was devastating... we all had tears in our eyes.....He was an amazing man, and his wife devotes her life to him.....After he spoke there were more awards given out, and than the president of the UMDF got up to the podium to introduce his next award presenter.....He went on to give her a glorious welcome, saying she was the most amazing and inspirational speaker he had ever met, and that she had spoken at a gala earlier that year.

I scanned the room,looking for an elegant women of age, a doctor perhaps, a colleuge of his...? who was she...this amazing person he spoke so fondly about? he called her name Emily...and up rose a tall, lanky girl just shy of 12 years...her hair was half pinned up in a little ponytail, she wore a black dress with a pink sash tied around her waist. Her mother and father helped to escort her up to the podium, she had an unsteady gait, and wore Afo's to help steady her, she used a walker, and was quite determined to go it alone once she reached the podium...As soon as she opened her mouth and spoke, I balled my eyes out, she introduced herself, and thanked the crowd for allowing her to be here to present the next award....The disease had taken some of her oral motor function away, as she slurred her words a bit, it was at times hard to make out her speech, but she was using every ounce of energy in her to get the words out, ant to keep her body standing upright... She spoke about, how sometimes it is hard for her to understand what is going on with her body and the disaese, but that it hasn't diminished her spirit to to keep fighting, and raising money for a cure.....There was not a dry eye in the ballroom that night.....She than presented the next award of excellency to " My daddy she called out"......than the waterworks came out....we all cried even harder ( i am crying again now) ...She was the most adorable, beautiful, amazing, inspirational, hopeful teenager I had ever met.............It was a moment I will never forget........

O.k. I will have to post day 3 and 4 later......

ciao

Wednesday, July 2, 2008 8:19 PM CDT

Hi,

My oh my, it's been a while since I've surfaced...I'm sorry. I've been taking a bit of a reprieve from the writing and not only that but I've been run off my feet. I also have no where to write anymore. The living room used to be mine and Kirk's sanctuary but now it's invaded and there's no alone place for me.

It's been a very busy couple of weeks. Carson celebrated his birthday last Saturday which meant a busy household. Last Tuesday was my last supply day at Fairwind. I figured I'd better finally clean out the storage cupboard that's housed my classroom materials since 2001 The boxes had been sitting there since I went on maternity leave. Now they fill my van and I have no where to put them LOL...help!

Wednesday was Evan's gr 8 graduation and then Thursday I flew out to the United Mitochondrial Disease Symposium in Indianapolis with Christine, Jody, and Stephanie and we didn't return til Sunday night. Since that time...things have been pretty slack around here...not much activity for me. Somewhere in between I participated in a training session for "Mito 411" which is a new parent support line. And I also managed to land myself a permanent job for the fall!

Tomorrow night, is the first in our series of concerts in the park for the MCB and will be followed by the year end party. I'm looking forward to it.

The conference was great! It was wonderful to finally meet so many of my internet mito friends with whom I've been chatting for years. I also made some new friends. There were 6 Canadians there out of 550 (excluding the docs) but I think they'll remember us...as we seemed to have a flare for rowdy behavior and soon started to call ourselves "Canada Girlz 520" (which was our room number).

I swear I never laughed so much with Christine...my voice was gone by the time I got home. What a freak!! (to coin her phrase) Ladies...let's do it again soon!
Oh and ya...we did learn a lot too. LOL Dr. Feigenbaum was there and so was Dr. Tarnopolsky...Megan, Alexis & Angel Leo's doc from McMaster. It was wonderful to hear the other Mito Gurus speak as well and get a chance to talk with some of them....real stardom for them... Mito families soon became the papparazi (sp?) and followed them around like puppy dogs anxious to speak with them.

Me? I was there to pick up as much info as I could about gov't advocacy, fundraising ideas etc. Plus hear about the latest findings in mito research. I fear that without keeping abreast of the latest discoveries, my understanding and ability to provide support to other families could very quickly become obsolete so I want to be well-informed even though Kirkland's disease is gone from my everyday life.

I came away from it all feeling great about what we're doing here in Canada. Mito March and the Kirkland Kilbride Research Fund generate as much money for Dr. Robinson as do some of the most successful and larger UMDF events. I am really proud of our accomplishments.
I also walked away with a better knowledge of how to address issues with the government as well as pulling a 50 lb. suitcase full of goodies bought at the local outlet mall!! LOL OMG...What deals!! My Canada 520 buddies sure can shop!! We loved Indy... very nice people...nice city...good partiers!!

Anyway...enough about the conference. Did I mention a job?
Yes...I took a job at Harrison P.S. (my kids' junior school two minutes away) None of my babies are there anymore so it's a great fit. Although the logistics aren't totally worked out yet...I know I'll be teaching either grade 4 or 5 French and some other subjects. It's not a full workload...a ".62" which means 62 percent workload. So I'll be working a four-day week and shortened days too. This should be good for Mito March business as well as my writing.
So...now you know why I've been a bit too busy to write. LOL

With all that being said...I sadly reflect that today it's been 7 months since Kirkland went to heaven. I do miss him so much but there is peace in my heart. I really don't struggle with grief and pain...it seems miraculous but doesn't really surprise me -when I recall how powerful my son was while here on earth. I know he guides me and carries me when I'm weak and faultering.

It really doesn't seem that long agobut I do admit to already gradually forgetting a lot of the details of his care (if that makes sense). I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing either. I am getting stronger as time goes by though, and find myself almost ready to pack up his bedroom. There was a time a couple of months ago where I couldn't move anything around in there without breaking down but it is getting easier and I've been working hard to wrap my mind around the idea. Carson and Evan need their own rooms in time for school so that's the deadline I've set for myself.

I can't seem to find the right words to describe how it feels for a mother to recognize publically that it's been 7 months since her child died so excuse me if it sounds callous. It's not my intent, I'm just not in the right frame of mind to expand on my feelings right now.

Just know that things are fine. We're coping okay and are looking forward to the summer (I think). Thank you for continuing to check in on us.

luv kelly xoxo

P.S. Pauline had her bone marrow transplant last Tuesday. She is okay but is currently in quarantine because her body is at its weakest. I hope to get down to see her as soon as she can start having visitors again. I will send here everyone's love. Fight Pauline! We love you xoxo

Monday, June 16, 2008 10:10 AM CDT

Good morning!

I'm burnt out...sorry no writing for a while. LOL

However here's a couple of items worth sharing.

Carson made it onto the front page of the sports section in Friday's paper for the Georgetown track meet.
Soooo proud of my boy!!! It was a photo finish for the 60m race and Carson came in 2nd! I'm kinda thinking Carson woulda won.... if he maybe remembered to tie his shoes before the race...d'ya think??? LOL
And oh....what a slacker his mom is!...My kid's racing in untied skateboard shoes...versus his competitor...look at his runners!! LOL Oh well...all in fun as they say!

On a more serious note...

Here's Kirkie's Godmommy, Pauline(sunglasses)and Michelle beside her in the background of this pic that was featured on the front page of The Independent last week. It was taken at the 'Relay For Life' for Cancer research on June 6th.

Please say a special prayer for Pauline. Tomorrow she's being admitted into Princess Margaret Hospital to begin her bone marrow transplant process. Her platelets are dropping once again and thank God, the bone marrow donor who was located over a year ago, is still available.
She will spend the next 6-8 weeks in hospital continuing the battle! I'm so proud and honoured to have her as my friend. We all love you Pauline...YOU GO GIRL!!!FIGHT!!!

Kelly xo

Sunday, June 1, 2008 6:28 AM CDT

Good morning,

Couldn't sleep so I thought I'd update while I'm bright and alert. There's been a lot going on as you know and sometimes it can be so overwhelming to sit in front of the computer and type the first word.

Okay...maybe Mito March to start with-
It was wonderful and unfolded without a hitch (well, other than the sun canopies blowing away in the wind LOL).
It's funny...so many people have asked me in a hushed voice, "So tell me...how was it really? Was it hard for you?"
And I can honestly say that no, it was great!

If only every grieving family could have such an experience to honour their child's life only months following his death! Mito March was such a light, happy, celebratory occasion. Kirkland's spirit was in the air...the train whitles were blowing constantly...smiles were on everyone's faces...we were all so happy and proud to be there doing something great for the world...hugs were abundant...kids were frolicking!

Thank you everyone for coming. To the organizers and volunteers...well...I've given up trying to express in words what it means to have you here by our side, offering hope to mito families around the world. There is no more selfless gift you could offer us! It's just sooooo good, isn't it? Especially given the circumstances we faced this year- trying to find it in our hearts to keep going. There's no better feeling than those that we experience in the days directly following the event...

And to the mito families and your teams who attended... WOW...you really did make the difference this year!!! The large dollars you collected...your fighting spirit...your beautiful kids, friends and families...all of it was fantastic. We will beat this! Our babies are the 'Terry Foxes' of mito disease...you mark my word- This is only the beginning!

I have made a lot of new friends through Kirkland's journey and I know that it is only one of the reasons he was born. Many of those friends are moms of special kids. Our bond is a strong one! It's a friendship unlike any other that can never be destroyed. It goes very deep right from the moment we first met.

From my travels, I think I'm safe in drawing the following conclusion: If there's one thing that the angel mom fears the most after her child dies it's that he/she will be forgotten. As life carries on after our child's death and day-to-day activities resume, I hear so many express fears that their baby is being forgotten. Perhaps people aren't talking about him/her anymore or aren't visiting the guestbook as much. I guess in a sense it's normal as the grief heals but for the mom, it hurts to think that her little hero could be forgotten. I read it all the time.

That being said, how could I view this year's Mito March as anything other than wonderful? My baby's spirit is alive and well...My GOD, even the reporter from the paper felt it and had to mention it! We celebrate Kirkland's life, the lessons he taught, and all the good that came out of his suffering. None of our kids suffer, have suffered, or will suffer in vain!
They are precious gifts...teachers- wise, wise souls.
Recognize that as their gift to us, it will be impossible for the world to forget them.

I'm humbled. Words can't do the emotions justice. But simply stated, "Thank you all!"

******************************************************************************************

I have other news I must share...difficult news.
We learned the results of the DNA tests for Gerry and I that were studied at the Mayo Lab to try and shed some light on the puzzle surrounding Kirk's diagnosis of Niemann-Pick Disease Type C. Well it suffices to say that the reason the pieces of the puzzle never quite fit together is that the skin fibroplast sample that they were studying wasn't Kirkland's.

So in other words- the Niemann-Pick C diagnosis is an error due to a mix up in the lab- a misdiagnosis. Two years ago when further tests were being conducted on Kirkland's skin biopsy to search for NPC? Well...the samples were somehow switched(at least we hope it happened two years ago and not when he was 5 months old)

I don't wish to delve into this any further...there's no point. We were barking up the wrong tree- and yes it's unfortunate to say the least. We're back to the drawing board and at this point, we know only this: Kirkland's muscle sample showed defects in Complex I & III of the respiratory chain. That's all we know. Whether this was caused by a mitochondrial gene mutation or caused by another disease, we still don't know and may never know. In my mind, Kirkland had mitochondrial disease with unknown causes...period!

For now, there is an investigation in place and all samples in the deep-freeze will be checked against Gerry's and my DNA to make sure they're Kirk's. And then they'll need to re-test (if the samples are Kirk's). If they aren't his...well we're all done. We didn't perform an autopsy on Kirk because we thought we already had samples. There's a little bit of blood DNA left but that's it.

So my friends...here's to modern science! No I am not bitter but Gerry is a little. Fortunately, I realize that an accurate diagnosis would not have changed Kirkland's treatment or fate. We were treating his symptoms only...and in that area, his care was tops and that's all that really matters. Whether it's one metabolic disease versus another??? It doesn't really matter, does it? Very few treatments and no cures...

The docs and scientists owe us nothing and never did! We chose to have a baby and in doing so, took the risks all parents do when they make such a decision. They never did anything more than try to help us and have been so good to us! They are only human...errors happen. We will wait and see what they come up with next-end of story.

So for now...the roller-coaster continues...

*************************************************************************************************

And what else has been going on with me?
Well...Monday afternoon I ventured down to SickKids to participate in a parent discussion panal on Palliative and Bereavement Care at SickKids.
Wednesday to Friday I worked.
In between I took in a school concert at Carson's school, Harrison P.S. It was cute to see him. He may be a star-athlete but I admit, he really isn't much into the perforning arts! LOL.

I wasn't prepared for my reaction when Kirkland's class got up on stage. It didn't even dawn on me that it would be difficult until I saw all those sweet faces and recognized them from Kirk's fist and only class photo. I did lose it but quickly regained my composure and dried my eyes...pheww...the grief can sneak up on me at any time.
They were so sweet! It was so sad not to have my sweet boy up there on stage with them singing, "The Candy Man". God it can be so hard at times.

Last night I found a syringe and half a bottle of inhalation meds on the fridge door...when that kind of thing happens 6 months after your child has left you, it really knocks the wind out of you.

Anyway...sigh

I also wrote a letter of reference Thursday for the SickKids Palliative and Bereavement Services Team to accompany their application to have a bereavement camp built here in the Toronto area for kids who are suffering a loss in their life. Thursday night was band and Friday was a shed party at Anita's. There's no band rehearsal today which is a nice break for me so I think I'll do some gardening around here.
And that's it in a nutshell.

ahhhhh.....
This week I'm working on income taxes again...and probably won't teach much. I finally finished 2004 prior to Mito March and am now heading into 2005. Oh joy, oh bliss!
Tomorrow I'm off to the doctor's to have a physical and also will try to fast-track a police check so I can get on the Halton Supply teacher list and start supplying in the neighbourhood.

ummmm.....
I'm really looking forward to this coming Saturday night. We have a high school pubnite planned and there'll be a lot of laughs and good times with my buds. I'll be getting a room nearby with my galpals which will be a nice break for me 'cause June's going to be another busy month.

Okay...that about does it! I think that's all for now...Pheww! Mito March pics are trickling in so I should get working on them....but when?? LOL

Take care,
luv Kelly xo

Sunday, May 25, 2008 10:34 PM CDT

The Mito March was a record-breaking success for us today. We raised $41,000.00 for mitchondrial researchers at SickKids Hospital in Toronto. YIPPEE!!
It was incredible as always, and our little angels were there watching over us, I have no doubt.
There is a lot to write about but I am so tired. For now I simply want to share a special memory with you from today.

After the speeches, my sweet friend Christine (Megan's mom) surprised everyone with a butterfly release. Angel Katelyn was part of the tribute, so too was Angel Leo. The lives of all mito kids and angels alike were celebrated by: Alexis, Jacob, Megan, Abby, and Oiie. Beautiful 'painted ladies' were to be released in memory of all angel kids in heaven and in honour of all those on earth. It was very beautiful.

As if meant to be, my little butterfly was slightly injured and couldn't fly...Gerry's was too. Imagine that! Mine sat on my shoulder for the longest time while people took pictures. Gerry's eventually flew away. I didn't want mine to leave. He just sat there and fluttered his wings and tried to fly a couple of times.

I thought about keeping him with me and even if he died, keeping this pretty little butterfly as a memory of this special day.
Believe it or not, a butterfly doc was in attendance LOL (I kid you not). He reported that my little butterfly's abdomen was injured. Hmmmm....are you making the conection? So many amazed people in the crowd figured it out! Cameras were snapping as I grew attached to this little guy.

Look closely at my shoulder!

Eventually I realized though, that for as much as I wanted him to stay on my shoulder forever, I couldn't keep him and it might actually not be the best thing for him because he could fall and get crushed. So reluctantly, I let Evan take him and place him in a tree. I turned away and trusted that God would protect him and keep him out of harm's way.

I've just released the emotion of the day by crying my eyes out. And I revel at the symbolism surrounding my butterfly, realizing that Kirkland made his presence felt today in his own special way.
It was incredibly beautiful native ceremony that Christine read to the crowd.
Later, Christine expressed regret that I had received an injured butterfly. I on the other hand, could not have been more honoured that this special little butterfly was placed in my hands. For who better than I, could possibly understand and appreciate the struggles and triumphs it will face as it makes its way back to heaven.

Thank you, thank you my dear friend...this is a precious memory- as is the entire Mito March celebration.

Christine and Kelly

You are a wonderful person, Christine and I am so grateful to have you in my life...forever!
xoxoxoxo

luv Kelly

Tuesday, May 13, 2008 9:19 AM CDT

Good Morning!

Just stopping in! Mito March 2008 is in full gear now. The on-line donation page is showing $14,000 pledged so far! Thank you! Thank You!

Here's what you can expect at this year's event:
Please bring your kids...typically they have a blast!

*Stanley Cup winner, Corey Perry of the Anaheim Ducks will be on hand to sign autographs.
*Our draw prize tent will be spectacular as always!
*Kirkland t-shirts will be given out for pledges/donation of $25 or more.
*A prize will once again be awarded to the first runner across the finish line.
* The rock climbing wall is back
* The Dancin' lady will be doing her 'stuff'
*Our young, "Kids Believe In SickKids Programme" volunteers will have games and activities set up for the
children including free face-painting and balloons.
Other activites include: colouring contest, coin drop, ball toss, jelly bean count etc.
*The splash pad is a hit when the weather's hot.
*Kernels popcorn, freezies, a barbeque, and other refreshments will be available.
It always proves to be a wonderful morning full of fun and camraderie -all for a good cause.
Please consider joining us this year.

As you know, mitochondrial diseases are rare and research dollars are even rarer.
Families of children who suffer from these diseases need your help. One voice might be easily ignored, but over the past 4 years, and with your help...we are starting to be heard!
We, the organizers, work as volunteers. Donations go to the Kirkland Kilbride Research Fund at SickKids Foundation and are then accessed ONLY by the Mitochondrial Research Team. We've donated over $109,000 to date!!

At last, experimentation on three potential drugs is taking place in the lab! We are also searching for the gene for one of the more prevalent mitochondrial diseases- Complex One Deficiency. Our funds also enable more extensive tests to be run on the more difficult-to-diagnose cases, and we've paid for an important piece of
genetic equipment!

Better than that, there's now a glimmer of hope in part because of Kirkland's life. The Mito March has empowered so many and has served to alleviate some of the helplessness associated with fatal diseases such as these.
It has allowed us to "give meaning to Kirkland's life"!

I think it's safe to say that the Kirkland Kilbride Research Fund at SickKids Foundation will quick become one of the main sources of fundraising for mitochondrial research in Canada, as families look for ways to help save their child's (or in some cases- children's)lives.
We are proud to provide these often helpless families, with a positive means by which to combat mitochondrial disease- philanthropy!

Okay...there's my speil(sp?) LOL! Back to work now.
Please spread the word for us.
P.S. There is now a Facebook group as well..."Mito March For Kirkland".

luv Kelly xo

Monday, May 5, 2008 8:32 PM CDT

Lesson for the day>>>
Please be sure to stop often and smell the roses!

Tonight I took the boys shopping for new runners for track and field. Got some for Evan but couldn't find the right size for Carson.
What I did find though was the right-sized wooden box for Kirkland's ashes...

Powerful eh? I suppose but just my new normal...

Sigh...and tomorrow I will go to work..and tomorrow night Evan and I will pack for Ottawa...and Wednesday, we'll go away for three days...and then next week I will contact the monument works and order Kirkland's headstone...and then I will book a date for the burial...and then I will work on income tax...and then I will go to school...and then I will rehearse...and then we'll work on Mito March...and I'll probably cry a few times somewhere inbetween...and I guess we'll need to call the funeral home to arrange to pick up the ashes some point and then I will do homework with the boys...and then I will meditate...and then I will wonder who I am...and then I will cry...and then I will wonder how my life became such a melange of trauma, grief, tragedy, and everyday humdrum living- all rolled into one big mumble jumble! and then...and then...

So how was your day?? Hope you kissed your kids?

luv Kelly xo

Thursday, May 1, 2008 7:45 AM CDT

Good Morning,

It's May..I couldn't be happier that my favourite month of the year has arrived!
With May though, comes chaos- for my calendar is totally full. I'm finished work for this week and now sit wondering what to do first around here.
First it's the dentist appointment at 11am and then who knows. Laundry, cleaning, income tax, bone practice, gardening... I can't really wrap my mind around it all at the moment.
Friday night we're going to a Blue Jays game with some high school friends. Saturday is our Mito March promotional day in the mall so I'll be talking all day while the committee is blitzing the town with our flyers. Then there's a short meeting at 6pm afterwards and Robin and the kids are staying overnight. Sunday...I have rehearsal.
Next week is a write-off because I'm teaching Mon-Tues and then off to Ottawa with Evan's school Wed-Fri. Pheww! It doesn't slow down between now and event day either so please understand my absence and unavailability to reply to e-mails etc.

As much as the distraction is good for me, I still have my bad days. Leo's death has been hard on me and the mito moms who knew him and his family. Talking with Sarah, and hearing her anguish- so new...it's hard but it's where I need to be. And placing myself back in Christine's shoes and knowing how she feels as Meagan's little mito friends start to pass away...and the fear and helplessness that permeates her world of unknowns....it's sad for me.

And then in Wednesday's Toronto Sun, you locals may have read Sonia and Alessia's story, another mito friend of mine. CCAC has cut her friggin' hours from 48 to 15/week and she's now fighting the Ontario government for more while she's already lost one daughter to mito and her husband fights MS. This of course, has brought out the advocate in me and I'm ready to go to battle for them..I've had it with this garbage...enough is enough! Man...Jeremy Freidman, one of the best doctors we ever had at SickKids is rallying to the Health Minister on their behalf to demand more help and the government still won't listen.
They continue to place the responsibility on the families to care for their kids in the community...Man, at least give them the resources to do that. They want our blood...they want the demise of our marriages...they want our jobs...they want our houses...they want our family life...they want our spirit...our energy...our lives!
Trust me...I'm not done with this whole thing!!

And how does this all affect me in my current state, you ask?
Well I seem to functioning quite well for the most part...but then the emotion finally catches up with me I guess- like last night. And I go to bed as is typical and start to meditate on warm feelings with a smile on my face for 10 minutes but then my mind quickly wanders to the enemas that still sit on the shelf in Kirkland's room.

And I recall how systematically we would bring one down each day and very invasively insert it into Kirkland. And that thought leads to the catheters that I slide up his urethra into his bladder several times a day to release his urine not really knowing if he'd been in pain because his brain wasn't sending the signal to his bladder to release.
And next my thoughts wander to him lying in his bed seeming to be looking at me but me never really knowing what it was that he was actually seeing.

And then I think of the pain I know he had as we pumped feed into his little tummy..and then also pushed meds through the tube...continuously for years. And I think of the moment 4 days before his death when Gerry walked over to his bed and disconnected the feeding tube...finally.

And I remember the night he died and the moment where his breathing changed and I realized that he was going...and I get this nauseous pain in my stomach as I recall quickly picking him up and taking him in my arms in the rocker, fearful that he might die and not be in my arms.
And I remember being here with lights dim, just me and Kirk and watching his chest gradually stop rising and just holding him near and kissing his forehead, cheek to cheek, and telling him to go to the angels wondering if Gerry and boys would get here in time.

And understand...all these thoughts can happen within one short minute while I'm lying in bed and then boom...the floodgates open and grief engulfs me. The next thing I know, the tears are flowing. Some nights I can stop them but other nights like last night, I know I must let them fall so I sob and shake and repeat the words, "My God, he suffered so much...how could I let him suffer?"
And I blow my nose and finally settle down, cursing myself knowing that I'll wake with a wicked headache in the morning and puffy eyes. And I fall asleep with my arms wrapped around Kirkland's tigger and a box of Kleenex in my bed.

So when the phone rang this morning at 6 am with a supply job for today... recollections of yesterday ran through my mind. I remembered explaining upon my arrival that I'd had a rough few days because we'd lost another baby, Leo. And I recalled another friend telling me at lunch that my eyes looked a little tired...and I'd listened half-heartedly, to the lunchtime discussion about the discipline problems that we, middle school teachers are facing as 'end-of-year' approaches...and the disillusionment that goes with it..
And... when the phone rang this morning...I pulled the plug, rolled over, and hugged tigger.
And here I am...and I must get ready to go to the dentist.

There you have it...a window into my mind...it's just as chaotic as my daily activities.
But I assure, I'm fine...really...and the next time you ask how I'm doing and I say that I'm pretty good...Think back to this entry and realize that THIS- my friend, is my "pretty good"!

luv Kelly xoxo

Friday, April 25, 2008 7:53 AM CDT

I am so very sad to come on here to tell you that we've lost another mito baby.
One of the other little special people in my life, Leo Fortunato, passed away suddenly on Tuesday night at his home in New Brunswick. His death was just days following his first birthday.

I'm numb. I'm sad. I'm nauseous. I'm anxious. I'm angry. I'm disgusted. I'm empowered!!
Please for God's sake...support our researchers so they can find treatments for these diseases that take our kids too soon! They are our only hope right now!

Support the Mito March For Kirkland...the Mito March for Leo, for Parysa, for Ayzea, for Andrew >>>the Mito March for Mito Angels. But more importantly, support the Mito March for Megan...the Mito March for Alexis...the Mito March for Alex and Owen and Abigale, and Brandon and Alessia and all the rest of the innocent babies and their families who are desperately waiting for Dr. Robinson to discover something...ANYTHING!

I don't care how you do it...Here! Here's the link to my pledge page on line...go to it now, please...
sponsor Kelly Kilbride
If you're unable to make it to the event and haven't been able to help yet...here's your opportunity.
Better yet...go on-line and register. Even if you can't make it to the event or don't live in the area, it doesn't matter- you can still collect pledges for us. It's so simple. Access the registration site from our website at www.mitomarch.ca

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm going to burst. We can make a difference for these families...we can!

Remembering Leo. (March 2008)

Here's a beautiful slideshow that Megan's mom Christine made for Leo's family at this sad time in their lives.
Leo's slideshow

To all of Leo's family and friends- my prayers are with you.
love Kelly xo

Tuesday, April 22, 2008 9:02 PM CDT

Here is the medley arranged by our band conductor in honour of Kirkland. Aren't people good?!!

Thank you, Joe and the Milton Concert Band
xo

*******************************************************

A Message from Heaven...

Every spring (except one)since Kirkie's girlfriend Katelyn died, she has sent me one purple crocus in amongst my clump of yellows.

Well one day a couple of weeks ago, when I went to have a peek I was excited to indeed find a purple one hidden underneath the yellows. So I said to Gerry, "Okay, now we just need another purple one to show Kirkland is with her...or maybe even a white one sending greetings from heaven!"

The next day I went outside to take a pic of Katelyn's single bloom for Deb and Brian and this is what I found...

>
>
>
>
>
And even better yet...they sent that white bloom too just so we'd know that all is well!

What monsters!!

Hugs from ^^Angel Kirkland^^ and ^^Angel Katelyn^^ xoxoxoxo

Monday, April 14, 2008 4:04 PM CDT

Good afternoon,

I'd like to thank everyone who came out on Saturday night to the Milton Concert Band's 1st spring concert that was performed in memory of Kirkland.

Thirty-three of Kirkland's friends, family, and supporters attended this special occasion. It might very well have been a very difficult evening for me for if you recall, it was immediately following our Christmas concert in that same church, that I went home and faced Kirkland's death.
But instead, I can't tell you how much it helped to have you all there not only to honour Kirkland but also to keep me focussed on what was important and give me the strength I needed to play for my special boy.

It has been a difficult few weeks for me as I've plunged into Mito March business- writing endless modifications to our promotional material in order to advise of Kirkland's recent death. Then there was: SickKids Radiothon, media interviews, and all the Mito March preparation for this concert too...it's all stuff that most grieving parents don't have to face so soon after their child's death. But I've been pushing myself for the sake of Kirkland's legacy...remembering the pledges I've made to him over the years.

And add to this that in the 4 short months since his death, I've already had to face our first Christmas and my own birthday without Kirkie and also his seventh birthday in heaven...Plus my re-entry part-time into teaching, career decisions, my music, becoming full-time mother to Evan and Carson again, and dealing with a chaotic-almost unfamiliar household in which I live.

Pheww...This week has already started off with a boom with a trip to SickKids this morning to have bloodwork done in hopes of finally receiving a firm diagnosis of Kirkland's disease. (Just following his death, we learned that Kirk's most recent DNA tests were inconclusve afterall!)

And then for the rest of the week, I'll be starting the personal thank you process to show our appreciation to everyone.

So.....when I say that I appreciate your support in being here for us and also for so many of you being able to make it out Saturday night, I really do mean it. When I reflect on the past few months and all we've already had to face, I realize that for as much as I may seem to get my strength to carry on from Kirkland and my boys...so much of it comes from all of you too!! We're so blessed to have you in our lives!!

Here's the dedication that was on the inside cover of the MCB concert programme. Thank you so much to my band family who have been simply incredible through all this! I cherish all the wonderful friendships I've made in such a short time.
If I hadn't left my sheet music behind on Saturday night, I'd scan the medley that our conductor Joe, arranged-"Message for Kirkland". I will scan it for you later.

How many kids have a medley arranged for full concert band in their memory!!! How wonderful it that!
Thank you Joe, Angela, Cheryl and the whole band for the precious honour you've given us! In addition, we appreciate the opportunity you gave Mito March organizers to spread mitochondrial disease awareness. xoxoxo

luv to you all,
Kelly xoxo

Wednesday, April 9, 2008 9:04 PM CDT

I'm posting the 'Card of Thanks' that ran in today's 'Independent and Free Press'. Finally, through the gradual processing of my grief, it seems that my writing channels are starting to open back up and I find myself better able to express myself in words.
For the delay, I apologize.

There are so many of you to whom we are so grateful but not all of you are able to access our local paper so here it is for you.
May these words express some of the gratitude we feel...

Several weeks have passed since the death of our son, Kirkland Kilbride and during these days it's been overwhelming to reflect upon the outpouring of support we've received from friends, family, neighbours, and total strangers. There isn't a day that goes by where we don't reflect on his legacy with pride and feel so grateful to everyone for giving meaning to his life. There are so many special people who have touched our lives since Kirkland's birth and who have continued to support us since his death as well. Kirkland's medical team led by: Dr. Annette Feigenbaum, Dr. Christine Newman, Maria, and their staff at SickKids Hospital especially the staff on 7C, 7D, and 7B. Dr. Conrad Yim, Leanne, Dr. Antonella Morra and the staff at Trillium Health Centre. Dr. Paul Zeni and the staff at Georgetown Hospital. Kirk's homecare team: Donna, Sandi, Jody, Susan, Nancy, Marie, Fariba, Betty, Victoria, and his many other loving nurses and home therapists over the years. Charles, Jeanette, and their incredible pharmacy team at Wal-Mart and the group at Young's Homecare Dept. Kirkland's care was second to none and we will be forever grateful to you all for helping us to provide him with the best quality of life possible. We thank Susan Hagan, our spiritual counselor and dear friend who lovingly visited with us for months and conducted Kirkland's service. Special appreciation is extended to Rob and the staff at J.S. Jones & Sons Funeral Home, the ladies at Holy Cross Church who went above and beyond to create a beautiful Celebration of Kirkland's Life. We thank all of you who came to visit us, call, or send kind messages. Your words sustain us still and make the days much easier. So many beautiful flower arrangements were admired, generous donations were made to the Kirkland Kilbride Research Fund at SickKids Foundation, and meals were brought to our home…so much love and warmth extended to our family. To all of you who have been here, sharing in our joys and sorrow over the years, we will never be able to express what it has meant to us to have you by our side. Kirkland's presence in all of our lives was and remains a blessing and we thank you for not leaving us alone to face the uncertainty of his future. You gave us that shoulder to cry on, and offered that smile and helping hand when most needed. And it was through you that Mito March was born…a gift that we will forever cherish. Somehow mere words don't seem enough to express the gratitude in our hearts. We are so blessed to have you a part of our lives.
Gerry, Kelly, Evan, and Carson Kilbride And also ^^Angel Kirkland^^

Here's the actual link to "The Independent"

Thank you. We love you all!
Kelly xo

Saturday, April 5, 2008 9:53 AM CDT

Good wonderful Saturday morning!

I just wanted to share something special with you. Next Saturday night, mine and Anita's band, The Milton Concert band will hold its 1st spring concert. See our flyer below:

What isn't mentioned is that this concert is dedicated to Kirkland. The Mito March team has been invited to set up a display and spread awareness. Our conductor, Joe Resendes has even arranged a special medley called, "Message For Kirkland" which is a beautiful tribute and honour for our family.
Have a peek at this article that was featured in yesterday's edition of the "Milton Champion" "Spring Concert Dedicated to Boy's Memory"

Through our publicity rep, the paper was alerted to the concert but then the reporter became interested and wanted to learn a bit more about Kirkland. When she asked me how it felt to have the concert dedicated to Kirkland and why it was important to spread awareness of these rare diseases, I shared the following story with her via email. I thought it might interest some of you too being that I've revealed some new findings from Kirk's genetic testing results:

Thanks to you for pursuing this story even further....

I am very touched and overwhelmed by the whole experience.
For personal reasons, and in my own heart, it seems fitting to have Kirkland a part of the concert because it was due to him that I joined the MCB in the first place.
The winter of 2007 was very rough for us as day by day, Kirkland became weaker. By springtime, it didn't appear that he would have the strength to continue the fight much longer.

Needless to say, it was heartbreaking for our family as we played 'the waiting game'. I recall sitting tearfully in my backyard one afternoon, trying to snap out of the intense grief I was feeling. I told myself I was going to have to do something that would bring happiness into my life so it would make the lonely days more bearable for me once Kirkland was gone.

I began to question what it was that made me happy...something that I loved...something that could make help me cope once he was gone.
Immediately, music came to mind but it had been so long since I'd last played. I also recalled having cut out the article from the local paper that had advertised the new Milton Concert Band. Within a few days, I decided to brave it, and called to inquire about joining.
I was welcomed with open arms and soon found my place.
I was right...music instantly brought back much joy into my life and the comraderie was just what I needed as Kirkland's last days approached.

December 1st was our first Christmas concert and athough I was aware that Kirkland's death could occur any time, I felt that I should perform with the band that evening if he was stable enough. The concert was joyous for us all and very therapeutic for me, relieving much of the sadness and pain of recent days. I left immediately following final curtain, arriving home as quickly as I could and soon re-entered my 'other' world as nurse to Kirkland. Peacefully, in the midst of a blustery snowstorm, he died four hours later.

Most of my fellow band member were not even aware of my circumstances and took the news hard. It was very moving as one by one, they filed through the door at the funeral home with a green ribbon pinned to the lapels of their jackets....some in tears, some whose name I had yet to even learn

This spring concert dedicated to Kirkland, is along with other things, their way of supporting my family and I. I never imagined that that one decison to join the MCB could turn out to be one of the greatest gifts that could be brought about through Kirkland.
And that is how Kirkland helped bring music- one of my greatest loves, back into my life. Not many people even know this story.

Joe- our conductor, has given us another very special gift by arranging a medley in Kirkland's memory that will be played by our band on April 12th. It's titled, "A Message for Kirkland". How can I ever express how it feels to blend my love of Kirkland with my love of music, and participate in playing a piece arranged just for him! A similar honour, will be hard to find and I will forever cherish my friends in the Milton Concert Band for this treasured memory.

Regarding the need to get the word out on Niemann-Pick Type C...well that's a toughy but I'll try.

This might be reason enough...

Kirkland died 3 months shy of his 7th birthday.
For the first 5 years of his life we suspected he had a mitochondrial disease called Complex One Deficiency but would never be able to prove it because researchers had yet to discover the gene responsible so they couldn't test. Hence we could never be 100 percent sure.

During those 5 years though, the docs at SickKids continued to test for other genetic diseases for which they had already identified the gene...just in case.
When he was almost 6 years old, we were told that further studies on Kirkland's muscle tissue were actually indicating that he had a genetic disease called Niemann-Pick Type C and it was in turn, affecting the mitochondria of his cells.

So it appeared his genetic defect wasn't likely to be found in the mitochondria after all. We thought we'd finally found the answer with Niemann-Pick C. So we sent away a DNA sample to confirm the gene once and for all.
This January, Kirkland hadn't even been gone two months when we received a call stating that his DNA did not appear to indicate a mutation in the Niemann-Pick gene.
WHAT? we asked!!! How could that be?
And I was then told that Kirkland's could indeed be a new disease that's never before presented. sigh....

On Monday next week, my husband and I will go down to SickKids Hospital to have our DNA taken and shipped off to the Mayo Lab in New York to determine if indeed we are carriers of the Niemann-Pick gene. If yes, then they will send off Kirkland's tissue again for closer re-examination. If one of us isn't a carrier, then Kirkland can't have had NPC after all.
And what does this mean??? We'll still have no firm answers as to what caused his mitochondrial problems and we need to keep looking.

In short: Metabolic diseases are rare and so too is research. It is my feeling that greater disease awareness and research are the only viable hope we have- not only for us but for thousands of others who are in our shoes and live every day with no treatment, no cure, and no answers.

Therefore, our event...the Mito March For Kirkland not only raises money to fund research in the mitochondrial research lab at SickKids Hospital, but we make it our mission to create public awareness of all of this.
So far it's working...albeit slowly.
Thank you so much for paying attention...I appreciate your time.

So.....to you our friends and family, please consider attending this concert in memory of Kirkland. I can't express how moved I am and grateful I am to have my new band family in my life. This is another example how God does work in mysterious ways but we need to open our hearts in order to recognize his gifts.

Take care everyone,
luv Kelly and 'Maestro Kirkland' xo

Sunday, March 30, 2008 10:12 PM CDT

Yippee! I learned tonight that the SickKids radiothon last week raised $3,982,211.00!! A new record for SickKids and Canadian radiothons in general. Thank you to those of you who listened, offered support, or donated. I draw so much strength from you all!xoxo
Hopefully the interviews will be up on our mitomarch website as soon as they're tranferred to computer file.

Last week was extremely busy for me and to top it off I was very sick with a cold. Lots of rehearsing, a dance last night, and a Mito March meeting today. This week won't be any better as I'm working 3 days on top of it all, and have a tonne of nursing paperwork to accomplish tomorrow. Plus Mito March is picking up speed. So I'm sorry if I'm not able to come on and visit as much as I'd like but my writing will need to take a back seat for the next while.

Anyone who wants to write some journal entries for me over the next while...it might be a nice switch. I get some beautiful pieces and emails written by many of my friends and family talking about the effect Kirkland has had on their lives...it might be a beautiful tribute to Kirkland to have your words eternalized in this journal??? Feel free to send it via email and I can cut & paste it in if you're feeling particularly creative. Just a thought-

Okay...it's late and I need to wind down and do some meditating before sleep.

Until next time,
luv Kelly xo

P.S. Constantly thinking of Alexis and her family as they deal with sad moments mixed in with some recent stable days...Thank God! May Kirkie & Katelyn keep watch over Alexis, Megan, Leo, and all their little friends down here!

Deb, Brian, and family....you've been close to my heart as you've dealt with Katelyn's angelversary this past week. At Radiothon on Friday...Mur, Brandon, and I had a few tender hugs, keeping you all in our hearts.

And to all my other 'special' friends...you're always with me too- along with your precious angels in heaven and those kiddos here on Earth...I love you all and pray for you xoxo

Wednesday, March 26, 2008 9:22 AM CDT

Good Morning!

Okay...I'm heading into another difficult time in my journey. It's SickKids radiothon time again. It's running on the Toronto radio stations for the next three days.

This morning I woke up and decided I would go on air this year cold turkey...not psyched up by listening to the stories as I approach my date...realizing that this will be much more painful this year.
Stu and Colleen on 97.3 will once again openly shed tears in front of me while I tell Kirk's story but this year the added twist will be that Kirkland died this past December.
God...I haven't even sent out my thank you notes from the funeral yet I'm going to talk to the world again about Kirkland!!

But I realize I must listen- so I've just turned on the radio. I can't walk into that hospital for the first time since Kirkland's death and open myself up to talk, without preparing myself emotionally. I'm hearing the tears in the DJ's voices as they talk of triumphs and tragedies as they put it. I listen to the parents tell OUR story...talk of their hospital stays. And I experieince that old familiar ache in the pit of my stomach,realizing that it hasn't been there for a while.

I guess it will be a real test of my public speaking abilities to place those headphones on my ears and send forth a strong message to the listeners without breaking down in tears. In recent years I've developed this new ability to turn my emotions off when talking about tender issues...I'm wondering if that will happen again this year.
How I'll do? I don't know. But I know my angel will surface from within me and make me strong enough to deliver his message.

But for today at least...I will allow myself to go back into my state of grieving. I haven't been there for a few weeks and it's been really good but I guess it's time for a reprieve.
So........ I ask you to tune in this Friday if you can...and spread the word that we're celebrating all the good that my baby did and is still doing for this world.

Friday I'm on 12 pm Mix 99.9FM and 12:30pm EZ Rock97.3FM

My heart just did a flip as I heard Dr. Newman's voice come across the airwaves to say that she belives in SickKids. She was our palliative doctor...pheww...I can do it...our family is just as important now as she is in in the grand scheme of things.

On a positive note...
I spoke to Dr. Robinson Head of our research team, this morning to touch base. There are so many great things happening in the lab because of our efforts.
Here's where your money is currently being spent:

Firstly, donations to the Kirkland Kilbride Research Fund are applied on an on-going basis to bolster a promising study currently in progress at SickKids Hospital with aims of creating drugs to treat patients with mitochondrial deficiencies. This research, unique to SickKids Hospital, is producing hopeful results so worthy of continued funding. No similar research project is known to be taking place in the world at this time.

Secondly, our funds are used on a continual basis to diagnose difficult cases that often require extra hours, materials, and manpower in the lab. Dollars from the Kirkland Kilbride Research Fund allow scientists a better chance at identifying mitochondrial defects in the cells and hence, offer families a more accurate diagnosis. This experimentation in turn, furthers the scientific community’s overall understanding of these rare diseases worldwide.

Please support us...good things are really happening because of Kirkland's wee life.
To donate to our mitochondrial research team specifically, visit our website www.mitomarch.ca

To donate to SickKids Foundation's Miracle Club at $18/month,
call 1-877-791-5437

luv Kelly xoxo

Saturday, March 22, 2008 8:00 PM CDT

Hello!
We're home. Our trip to Jamaica was glorious and I abolutely fell in love with all of it...the people, music, food, culture- EVERYTHING!

I'll come back later but right now I'm beat.
Happy Easter to everyone.

luv Kelly xoxo

Thursday, March 13, 2008 9:49 AM CDT

A thought as I start my day...

For several years before I had kids, I struggled to attain inner peace. I would sit in the staffroom at lunch with two colleagues in particular, Liz and Dave. I would marvel at how non-judgemental they were, envy them for having faith and religion in their lives, and admire how much peace emanated from them. They were my mentors...I strove for some time, to capture what it is they had.

So in striving to attain this peace they possessed in their very being, I realized it had something to do with their faith. I decided that I needed to learn more about religion...that would do the trick.

So Gerry and I started attending regular church services at the nearby United Church. However, having had the Catholic religion forced upon him as a child, Gerry soon decided that organized religious communities weren't for him and he lost interest.
I on the other hand, joined the choir and eventually, thinking I'd finally understood and accepted Jesus into my life, became a member the church. Evan was baptized and my involvement continued although there were more excuses for missing services now that I had a child to contend with.

Along came Carson and Kirkland and they were baptized but I'd stopped singing in the choir because I couldn't manage the Sunday morning services at 9:30am. My mission to attain inner peace seemd to dwindle just as the chaos in my life started to escalate with the progression of Kirkland's disease.

Time passed. Liz retired from teaching but returned to volunteer in my classroom along with many others. Dave retired too and moved to Ottawa so I don't hear much of him. Sadly Liz passed away just before Kirkland was born. I was devastated but recall being amazed at her funeral because her son spoke of her from the podium without a quiver in his voice, proclaiming his faith in knowing that she was fortunate enough to be back with her maker. There was no grief in his voice!

I remember walking away that day after hearing anecdotals from several of Liz's family and friends. It was incredible. They all felt as though they'd been her 'bestest' friend in the world just as I had. I remember being so moved that so many people had had the exact same relationship with Liz as I had. Here I was thinking that ours was a unique friendship that had somehow stood out amongst the rest...and here so many others had felt the same way! What an incredible lady to be able to affect people's lives in such a beautiful way.

Anyway...in trying to introduce my quest for inner peace, I think I've gotten a bit off track from my original reason for writing today. Somewhere in this head of mine I'm actually trying to declare that Kirkland was the answer to my search for inner peace.

It wasn't until he came into my life that my faith was cemented. The universe had recognized that my need was desperate if I was to survive the horror of what I would go through during his lifetime. Faith would be my saving grace..that which would keep me from floundering in despair, succumbing to self-pity, anger, depression and resentment.

So...it was in response to the effect that Kirkland's journey was having on my life that we first explored the psychic realm in an attempt answer questions. From there, the door opened to a wonderful world full of all the answers I needed. The psychic readings, the psychic workshops, Gerry's Reiki training, drumming by riversides, the development of my own intuition as a tool, my interest in reading cards, my uncovering and understanding of the reincarnation of souls- it was all before me and with it came gradual feelings of peace and acceptance.

All of this- the fundamental basis of my personal faith...all of it was all brought about through my son, Kirkland!
Had it not been for his birth, I question if or when I'd ever have felt this incredible feeling of peace or for that matter, ever have truly understood who Jesus was.
It was through Kirkland that I accepted Jesus into my heart not through a church ceremony. My beautiful gift from God, was my son...that sick little boy whose soul's mission still remains inconceivable to most of us....

So again today...when I visit his site and see the photos of my beautiful boy, I view his life of suffering and pain in the most positive of lights possible. I realize that I might very well have had inner peace delivered to me in the pew of a church via an awakening at some point in my life...but instead I was was blessed enough to have it bundled up in the body of a beautiful little person who I was able to cuddle, kiss, care for, enjoy, and love for seven whole years. And even greater than that...have that little person leave me with unwavering knowledge that he hasn't left me at all...that in fact, we are closer than ever before.

I guess in writing this, it is my full intention to 'let his journey have meaning', as the slogan says.

Don't know if I'll be back on for a while so enjoy the rest of your spring break.

luv Kelly xoxo

Please pray for little Alexis and her family at this time. Alexis is one of Kirkland's closest mito friends who we met at the 2006 Mito March. Sadly Steph wrote yesterday that Alexis is at the end of her life. They brought her home from hospital to spend her last days with her family. I am heartbroken for them and pray that they might at least find some comfort in my words and know that they too, will be okay.
Our thoughts and prayers are with them.xoxoxox

Tuesday, March 11, 2008 8:09 PM CDT

For those who've read or watched 'The Secret', this entry might make a little sense... I apologize to those of you who are unable to make head nor tails of what I'm talking about but the words just kept coming to me so I typed away.

**********************************************************************************

I've been reading 'The Secret' and it's really given me some food for thought.
Essentially, here's the secret: We emit thoughts out into the universe and these thoughts reflect our current emotions. They in turn serve as receptors that attract 'like' circumstances and feelings back into our reality. It's heavy...quantum physics stuff. The law of attraction...
So the idea is to think and feel positive thoughts and the universe will send 'positive' back your way.

So of course I've been thinking about this as I read and meditate on some of the ideas and suggestions. But I've come upon a couple of stumbling blocks in applying this philosophy to my current life. The main one being- grief! And I ask myself how I'm expected to attempt to rid my heart of sadness, loneliness, and depression and in turn, replace them with happy thoughts in order to receive that happiness back twofold into my life.

See...they say you can't just 'think it' in your head in order for it to work. You have to honestly feel or imagine the joy of happiness in your heart and must be able to bring it about when you recognize you're slipping into bad emotions.

That being said, I start to think about my loss...and realize that 'loss' is a negative word right off the bat so I shouldn't be using it. And as I start to think of most of the words and emotions surrounding death, I discover that the majority have a negative connotation of some sort. So if I want the secret to work for me, I'll have to consistently turn my way of thinking around and have positive reflections about Kirkland's passing. This isn't such a bad thing but requires some very creative, hard work on my part when I find myself to be down in the valleys.

So I've decided to start viewing my current situation differently in hopes of feeling better sooner rather than later.
And rather than look at what I've 'lost' because of Kirkland's death, I learn that I need to focus on that which I've 'gained' by having Kirkland in my life. (I've always done this anyway but this ability does escape me in times of great sadness or when life is looking gloomy)

So...tonight, I came on to this site and was looking at the sweet photo of my porkapine boy atop this page and I sat staring at it for quite some time. In doing this, I faced my typical challenge...to look at his smooth skin, cute chubby toes, bright eyes, and beautiful face and not become sad because he isn't here for me to touch, to snuggle, and to hug ....to love...to love...

And I stopped myself there because I realized I was inviting sadness into my world by reflecting on this photo in that manner. I began to ponder how I could look at photos of Kirkland or have memories of Kirkland without feeling the sadness that often goes along with it.

As I continued to focus on him, I reminded myself that yes everything in my physical relationship with Kirkland has changed because he is not here- but absolutely nothing has changed with anything else really. My love is exactly the same as it was. Death, grief, sadness, and loneliness are unable to touch the warmth of my love for him and his for me. My love remains untouched..it's safe...
If I can continue to take myself to that place, I will still feel good and happy. It's untouchable. Death can never change or destroy it; neither can time. It exists forever and ever in our souls.

Okay, granted...I can't hold his body and rub my nose behind his ear and inhale his sweet scent .... or can I? Does this not still exist in my mind- in my memory? So if while blocking everything out, I allow myself to remember those moments and recreate the feelings and love I felt during his physical presence, then I've actually lost nothing haven't I? For what is a human body if void of emotion and love...it's nothing worth having.

Hence, through Kirkland's passing, I've lost very little but have gained so much from his life.
And "Kirkland," you may ask, "Didn't he 'lose' his life on Earth?" Perhaps...but reflect on the quality of that life and what he gained in its place by leaving? Everything that's positive, loving and good! He doesn't have to read books and consciously remind himself to think good thoughts because... where he is, 'bad' doesn't exist.

So knowing this, I endeavour to 'celebrate' his life rather than 'mourn' his death. I strive to erase the memory of the physical 'pain' he experienced while here and replace it instead with a faith in knowing that Kirkland now lives in 'ease'.
It is difficult not to remember the nausea, heartache, and sorrow that I felt every day watching him suffer. I now promise however, to try to be grateful for having had those life experiences...for they've strengthened my character, opened my heart, and taught me to find joy in the small things in life.

I'm not really done...but I'm tired so I'll check in later to see if this makes any sense at all. LOL

Nite
luv Kelly xo

Monday, March 10, 2008 8:18 AM CDT

Good sunny Monday morning!

Not much new to report on at this end. We survived the snowstorm but it made for a really long day on Saturday!!
Yesterday I went out shopping for myself...loved it, of course. And I even had fun trying on bathing suits and tankinis etc. I'm all set in that department now.

I spoiled myself and bought some new summer clothes too...yes I'm bragging when I say that last year's don't fit me anymore...TOO BIG!! Yippee!
I was in Old Navy and picked out a denim skirt-size 12 (I guess out of habit) and had to send the sales clerk back to get me the one that eventually fit...Size 8!!! That felt pretty good. Lots of hard work but only 5 pounds til I'm back where I should be.

This week will be pretty busy...as I try and organize for our trip and dig out summer clothes for the boys. Mito March business is high priority now too so I'll be busy getting packages together over the next couple days.

Well...better get moving here as there's lots to be done.
Enjoy your March break and for those of you who are stuck at home with the kids...I'll send wishful thoughts your way that they receive calls to go play at a friends' houses for the day or even better- a sleep-over tonight! LOL

Spring is just around the corner...believe it or not! I hear birds chirping..

luv Kelly xoxo

Thursday, March 6, 2008 9:48 AM CST

UPDATE: Friday March 7, 2008
8:15 a.m.

Phewww...I'm glad to have made it through yesterday. Just wanted you to know that I am okay...really.
I made it to band last night and as always, the music cured my aching heart.

March break has begun at our house! The boys brought home improved report cards...which is a relief...poor things, with everything they went through last term.

We leave for Jamaica in a week...starting to look forward to it...but gotta hate shopping for bathing suits when you're '40 something'!!
Funny...aside from the sun, I think I the other thing I'm looking forward to the most is the music and culture!!

Well...I'd better get a move on it...My house is a mess and if by chance this latest winter storm threat allows, there's supposed to be a karaoke party here tomorrow. Wait til they see my new tambourine that lights up...flourescent blue!! LOL

Have a good weekend my friends.
luv Kelly xoxoxo

*****************************************************************
Yesterday...

It's my baby's 7th birthday today!
Allow me to share some birthday memories with you...

Kirkland...I love you so much...I think I've cried all my tears for the day. I've allowed myself to look at your pictures...I've listened to our music...I've buried my face in the pillow and sobbed. Now it is noon...and I don't feel too badly. Today is the worst I've had since your death.
Your birthday is all about us...just Mommy and Kirkie. I celebrate each moment! Thank you for saving me.
Happy Birthday...I Love You xoxoxoxo

March 2, 08 11:30pm

Kelly, the conversationalist...

friend: Doesn't it remind you of the scene from 'that' movie?
Kelly: Oh I haven't watched many movies in recent years, sorry.

friend: What did you think of 'that starlette's' gown at the oscars
Kelly: Oh...the Oscars took place? I really am not familiar with any of the recent actors anyway...

friend: So where would you like to go for dinner?
Kelly: Oh I'm easy...haven't been to a lot of the new restuarant chains.

friend: What do you think about the war in Alfganistan?
Kelly: Oh, there's a war going on?

friend: That new Aims French teaching method is pretty neat, eh?
Kelly: Aims? What's that?

kid: Mom what's the name of the leader of the opposition in Canada?
Kelly: Well...um...ahem...
Come on now...you know how to look that up on the internet!

friends: So it doesn't look like Clinton is going to be the next president
Kelly: Oh, is he running again?

***********************************************************

I said it to Anita earlier on and feel it's worth repeating here...

I FEEL LIKE A BABY CHICK THAT'S JUST HATCHED OUT OF ITS SHELL!!!

***********************************************************

BUT OH MY...I'M NOT A CHICKEN AFTER ALL...OR AM I? Maybe I'm a swan...naw...perhaps a duckling though....where the hell am I anyway? And who are these people??

Where'd my baby go...where's the drone of the O2 concentrator?

Why is the goddamn T.V. always on in my living room!!?

Where are the doctors?

When do we go for our next appointment?

Will I still get full funding this year? Hmmmm...I'd better get those applications submitted...

Why is there an echo in my house?

Why am I walking on a treadmill when in actuality, it's medtime at SickKids and also at home?

Boy...my work clothes are outdated, aren't they?

Whaddaya mean I DON'T have to buy Kirkie a birthday present this Thursday...isn't it his 7th birthday?

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?...I DON'T REALLY GET IT! Have I been away or something?

WHERE AM I? I'm in Italy?? But I no longer long for a life in Italy...I loved Holland just the way it was!!

WHO THE HELL AM I anyway?

Tuesday, February 26, 2008 10:44 PM CST

You know... I often come on here before bed just to look at your page...as if to remind myself that this is all real.
I scroll down slowly and look at the photos and read over the odd passage for the umpteenth time.

You did live. You were my beautiful newborn baby boy. And as I scroll downwards on the page, I see what this disease did to you and I hate it so much.

One word sums it up...DECLINE...
My poor baby...I'm so so sorry Kirkie~~~
I love you so much,
Mommyxoxoxoxo

Saturday, February 23, 2008 9:28 AM CST

This poem was written and read by my dear friend Anita DiGangi-Timpson at Kirkland's funeral

There’s a child that we know
So kind, so brave, so sweet
There’s a child that we know
Who does not know defeat

There’s a child that we know
Who warms us every day
There’s a child that we know
Who hears us when we pray

There’s a child that we know
Who touched us one and all
There’s a child that we know
Who stands ‘bout 10 feet tall

There’s a child that we know
Many lesson’s he does bring
There’s a child that we know
Who earned his angel wings

There’s a child that we know
Who defines the word LOVE
There’s a child that we know
Who watches from above

There’s a child that we know
Who’s life has endless goals
There’s a child that we know
Who nourishes our souls

Love you forever, Kirkie….Auntie Anita xo xo

Evan 6 yrs, Kirkland 5 days old

Carson 3 yrs, Kirkland 4 days old.

Okay so look at those photos. The year was 2001. Evan was six and Carson was three...my babies. I was the mom of a preschooler and a first grader.

Now...imagine waking up today, this morning. It's 2008. Evan is 13 and Carson is 10. Seven years have passed since that time captured in those photos and Kirkland's seventh birthday is approaching. I struggle.
I've just had my typical Saturday morning cry.

Seven whole years! I'm starting to plan a birthday party for my baby who will only attend in spirit- a celebration to honour the life of my baby who died one December night during a snowstorm.

When I awoke on the morning of December 2nd, 2007...I was essentially transported back in time- transported back to March 5th 2001. The moment of Kirkland's death I was sent back in a time machine and was left to pick up and continue with Evan and Carson as it had been before Kirk's birth.

But try to imagine this... I find that
my boys are no longer little boys. Seven years have elapsed! I've gone from being a preschool mom to a mother of teenagers. All this happened in the time it took for Kirkland to take his last breath here on earth.
Those seven years, now frozen in time have been viciously ripped out from under me.
How do I pick up the pieces? How can I be expected to just carry on when seven years have passed?

I cry right now and that sweet little 6 year old in the picture above has just come up to comfort me and wrap me in his wise, 13 year-old arms assuring me that everything is okay...and now closes the door behind him when leaving, so as not to hear his mother's weeping once again.

When the hell did all this happen?
No wonder I'm lost. I honestly compare this experience to that of a person who's been in a coma or who has suddenly emerged from a long period of memory loss. I've wakened up and don't know where or who I am...
Please help me Kirk! This is so hard.

***And just as I go to hit the update button and conclude this writing session...what song do you play for me Kirk? "You could Pull Me Through" ...even when I'm lying here drowning in my blues..."
Thanks baby...please keep talking to me Kirk cause yes, "you can pull me through..wrap your arms around me and chase away my blues, you take the sting out of the rain bring the sun back up again...you could always pull me through" Incredible boy!!! I love you, baby! xoxoxox ***

I need to go...your father is aggravated at me for crying and is going on about us needing to go book a trip....Will he ever read this? I highly doubt it...Their lives go on. Mine stands still. I miss you so much.

Monday, February 18, 2008 9:03 PM CST

Hi,

Okay...so when I sit down to write to you...there are two different Kelly's that I can choose from now. I can write from the perspective of a grieving mom or I can simply report on what's going on in my current world etc. The two have yet to become one (if that makes any sense) and I don't know how the two entwine to create the "new me".

OMG...that has to be the worst explanation I've ever tried to put into words and it makes no sense to me so I don't know how you could ever understand it...but they tell me to just let the words spill out and worry about the logistics later so here goes. If you are able to follow me ...Congratulations!

I am a part of two worlds now. The two haven't merged yet. It is still too early for me to talk about how my son's death is fitting into the scheme of my everyday thought and life. Therefore in turn, I find it hard to meld the two 'me's' into one concise journal entry that will serve to update you on the status of my life and also tell you how I've been feeling. Does that make sense?

What I am often able to do, is tell you about my day...but generally I can't mix emotions with it. The two faces of Kelly don't seem to surface simultaneously. Emotions are pushed aside when I need to function in this world and then they surface only when permissable...like yesterday on my birthday when I cried for the better part of a day but couldn't really pinpoint a reason for it other than missing Kirk and feeling sorry for myself.

But tonight on the other hand...all those feelings are shut off and when I come here to write, I'm inclined to report on nothingness...to report that I spent the weekend alone while the boys went to a hockey tournament, that my band held a Valentine's dance on Saturday night; Anita and Brooke came...that I spent today doing laundry, listening to music, nagging the boys, scrubbing toilets, and talking to friends on-line. What I'm unable to do, is describe my emotions...and yes, nurse Betty- Don't worry...I do realize that it's not expected of me either. LOL

It's just a foreign reaction for me...that's all. Writing has always been the means by which I "get it all out" and now it's not the case.

Maybe when I come on here from now on, I'll simply try writing anecdotal notes instead- nothing that requires any form...jot notes...thoughts...simple sentences...poems...whatever
And I can disguise it as writing and leave it to you to decipher and make meaning of.

Okay...here's a couple...

Of late, when I look at a photo of Kirk, I automatically think back to that period of time in his life and remember what phase his disease was in. For example...I might ask myself if he was on oxygen then?...Was that when he was on the ketogenic diet?...What was his suffering like at that age? How much pain did he have?
Every glance at a photo brings on those questions and when I've run the full gammet (sp?) the reflection finishes with a sweep of nausea and a sharp ache in my heart as I recall my anguish as a mother having to watch her baby suffer.

Yes...that's the typical process lately.

And...the phrase I often hear..."Just try to remember the good times"... That phrase doesn't work in my mind right now. My mind always ends up remembering the pain he felt...the pain I tried to absorb for him...the pain that needs releasing from within me. Can you understand that there were never days without pain?! Even during the first month of his life when I lived oblivious to his health issues...that ONE month of his short life when he was just a normal baby like any other...Even that first month is marred now because of hindsight.

Because I look back on those days now and dissect them and pick out all the little signs that were there but I didn't recognize. Hindsight has destroyed even those first, joyful, days.

Okay...so that's it. There's a couple simple thoughts that I've had repeatedly over the past month or so. They might invade my mind and then leave just as quickly as they came. The emotions and grief aren't felt on a continual basis...so unless I can sit down and write immediately as the feeling surges...then it escapes me until the next time and can't be explained.

The other Kelly kicks in now and is inclined to tell you that the upcoming week promises to be busy. Skiing tomorrow with Carson's school, coffee tomorrow night with an old friend, teaching for me Wed, Thurs, and Fri., band Thursday night, visit with Kirkie's friend "Auntie Ashlee" somewhere in there, and a Mito March meeting on Sunday.

Okay...it's patchy and doesn't flow but I suppose it's a journal entry of sorts and at least the words are down as I've been told to do. That's a start.

Hope you have a good week.
luv Kelly xo

P.S. If you should visit one day and find a weird senseless paragraph in place of a journal entry, remember that, albeit incomplete, it'll possibly eventually turn into some profound thought to be included in my book and it simply needs to be spewed out for safe-keeping...even if it makes no sense to you. Actually...probably kinda similar to that which you've just read (or should I say tried to read?) LOL

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 4:54 AM CST

UPDATE: 7:30pm
Kirkland's legacy continues....

This is one of Kirklandl's biggest fans, Scott Lord. This tidbit was featured in today's Independent 2-13-08
Thank you Scott!! You're a wonderful friend.

******************************************************************************
Okay...so I hear that if you're a writer and lying awake in bed during the midle of the night, you might as well get up and start writing because that's when the creative juices flow best. Well I've been lying here since 4am so I finally invited my computer over to snuggle up.
Now...what to write...what to write! I hate writer's block yet I've struggled with it for a month now.

I think part of the problem is that I don't know what to write about on Kirkland's page now that he's in heaven. I mean...I've already told you via my reading last week, what he's been up to lately. LOL

Me? My life's pretty humdrum right now...just waiting for that first scent of spring air to come wafting through my window and I'll be alive again (I hope).
Meanwhile, I sit here day in, day out doing very little. Last night I pulled the bed out (yes...I'm still on the pull-out as I can't win in the battle of the snorers upstairs) and I turned the lights off at 8:30pm while the boys were still reading in bed.

And then I just laid here thinking how much I enjoy being able to to do that...not necessarily sleep itself- but going to bed whenever I feel like it. Seven whole years of sleep deprivation...I can't really put it into words. Gerry comes in from work late at 8:30pm and finds the house dark and me in bed and puzzledly (is that a word?) asks me as I'm lying there in the dark...what exactly I'm doing. LOL When I think back on it...it must have looked kind of funny.
So I laid there for a few more minutes relishing that luxury, and then realized that I wasn't even tired but had just wanted to enjoy that freedom so I got up and wrote some emails. What a headcase!!...LOL
(Hey Anit...I'm not tired yes I am!)

So...there you have it...my news! See ya...
Oh...boy...go back to bed Kelly...this isn't working and you're tired you idiot!

How are things, you ask?

Well...I was sick with a cold but seem to be over it now...went and applied for our passports on Monday...did some Mito March business finally on the weekend...am driving Carson's boys' volleyball team to Acton for a game after school today...am teaching tomorrow and Friday...my swing band is hosting a dance this Saturday night...house is a mess and laundry's piling up...and ya...that's about it! LOL

Alright..I'm still waiting for the creative juices to flow but to no avail so I'll sign off now.
Hope everyone is well and my Ontarian friends are enjoying all this snow!

Have a good day,
Kelly xoxo

Kirk, Mom, Carson- January 2002 Kirkland on his 1st birthday with new glasses and Sit n'Stroll Mar 6, 2002

Friday, February 8, 2008 9:42 PM CST

Okay...pheww...here's the transcript of my psychic reading on Monday. It really isn't anything too remarkable but enough people have asked to read it so I've put forth the effort.
Many are curious about psychic mediums. First off...a medium is a special type of psychic who can connect a person with the souls of loved ones who are in heaven. In my eyes, it's not hokus-pokus...they are able to receive messages because they interpret energy or vibrations which is the way our souls communicate when not incarnated in human bodies here on earth.

I know many of you will roll your eyes...which is fine...However you will also read this won't you?...read it because you admit to being a wee bit curious about the realm that awaits us when we pass over??
I share the experience only because I know it is my role... the role they speak of...as you will read. I don't share it because I care if you agree or not.

I share it because there are moms and dads out there who are in pain...who are scared of it but would love to know that their angel babies who've passed are okay and are still with them in spirit. I share this conversation to hopefully relieve some of the apprehension and get you to trust your intuition and know that this earth is only a playground...a school where our souls have chosen to come learn important, tough lessons designed to test our faith in God and eternity...recognizing that indeed, real life exists on the other side...in a better place...amid angels and soul families.

I welcome you to this side of my faith...one that I don't often devulge publically but what the heck...my son in heaven tells me I must...LOL
It's lengthy so read at will...I apologize in advance for any typos etc.

Excerpts from first reading since Kirk’s death Feb 4, 2008

Karen- For you…you’re looking after aggravating details…you’re very sensitive, very emotional you’re very, very fragile right now and your primary role is to support other people through their process…For you I think it could almost be a little bit ‘gaggy’ because you’re not really in the mood to support other people It’s the only way you’re going to find happiness though is to put your needs on the back burner and let everybody else become your top priority and if you can do that for just one year you’re going to find that everything works out in your favour especially as we get towards the fall of this year but you’re very sensitive, emotional, fragile …and all of these AGGRAVATING details ahh… just driving you crazy!

Kelly: See the thing with me is everybody’s needs are always my priority and that’s why I’m here actually because of what I need…What about me? And I guess I’m looking for answers for myself…Am I in my first year of the new cycle?

Karen: You’re in your second year…it’s not my favourite place. So the planet’s in its first year, you’re in the second year and that’s where that fragile stuff? And the other thing is, you’re going to think that nothing is ever going to happen…you’re going to feel as if you are stuck in mud

Kelly: uh huh

Karen: But what you won’t know is that there’s going to be a lot of things going on behind the scenes that you’re not aware of…so it’s almost as if…I always like to compare it to an ocean. We look at the surface and it looks still and flat and kind of boring. Beneath the surface? Hubbub of activity which is going to have a direct impact upon you.
I know this though…it’s slow moving air and everybody needs something from you and there’s going to be days where you feel like you are freakin’ invisible and nobody sees you until you step away.
The only thing I know…is that if you try to make yourself a top priority, there’s just chaos and you never do get to focus on you …it’s only for a few months…It’s like you’re doing homework…it’s as if you’re looking after everybody right now so you can look after yourself during the second half of the year…ya...not one of my favourite places to be

Kelly: I’m not liking it very much… (laughs) so that’s why I’m here

Karen: It’s difficult until you start to figure it all out …naw…Support other people

Kelly: This is the time where I don’t wanna support anyone

Karen: I know…I find the 2nd year to be my least favourite…until you get to the last half and then it’s like, “Okay, what was I so stressed about. Everything’s working out beautifully and it’s all good”…Just so you know…it’s not fun…nit-picky, aggravating details that will drive you stark-raving mad. There will be days when you want to this… (she rocks) just rock back and forth

Kelly: I do that now

Karen: You can’t take it…It’s worse for you than it would be for a lot of people because you already have a lot of that energy. So for you, you’re over the top too much... you’re ‘over the top’ sensitive and just feeling everybody’s pain…everybody’s fears. And the other thing about this year…you’ll find that decision-making is almost impossible.

Kelly: LOL

Karen: That’s because you can see both sides of every situation.

Kelly: Ya I don’t wanna make decisions (sighhhh)…yikes

Karen: No… you can’t…well you’re perfectly balanced. It’s just everything’s at a standstill…Ya… and I think you’re going at it perfectly. If you just sorta let your guard down it would …No you’re doing just fine…

Spirits: We’ll get you through this process- you’re just going to have to accept the fact that…that the discomfort that you are feeling is temporary but a reality of life. You do need to do something for yourself…

Karen: Okay…so this is conflicting information…..So she does need to do something for herself?

Spirits: But what she does for herself will be of benefit to all people. In the beginning it will feel as though she’s walking through mud or walking through a fog however…

Karen: Oh…your goal has already been defined for you! Oh, a chest pain too…is that your pain?

Kelly: I haven’t had any chest pain.

Karen: OK

Kelly: That could be anxiety though.

Karen: OK, Do you get anxiety attacks?

Kelly: I’ve had it and…I’ve had it in the last…(pause)….Kirk died…(pause)…Last fall, I was having a lot of anxiety, so right now I’m trying to avoid decisions in fear that they might make it come back…

Karen: (whispers) I have chest pain?

Kelly: Is it heartache?

Karen: (pauses) No this is definite pain…I wonder if it’s anxiety attacks

Kelly: See I don’t have pain with anxiety I just have that racing….

Karen: I felt as if

Kelly: heart attack?

Karen: Ya a heart attack…Do you have somebody who passed who had chest pain?

Kelly: That would be my dad

Karen: Your dad…okay…cause it’s on the man’s side. What’s your dad’s first name?

Kelly: Robert

Karen: Robert… ‘Kay…I’m thinking it’s your dad so I’m just going to keep going…As a matter of fact as soon as you said…”Well my dad”… the pain stopped so…okay…
That’s the first time he’s come through, isn’t it?

Kelly: No… no…he comes…always. I can get him to come through…Ya he’s really good about that…he’s been through at Gerry’s too.

Karen: Okay…I never remember anything. No… soon as you said your dad’s name...the pain stopped…so…okay…we got your dad then
Okay so I have to go back to my happy place…so …so anyway…so

Dad: The pain and suffering that you’re going through is temporary but necessary. Tending to the needs of other people- while it may be annoying to you, will actually… (pause)

Karen: ...okay I see

Dad: You’ve been allocated with a gift….trust in the gift…trust in the process….but don’t try to take on too much at any one time…there is a reason for the confusion…to slow you down.

Karen: So you can be at times like a ‘bull in a china shop’, you can go blazing in

Dad: When in reality, we need for you to slow down just a little bit

Karen: Okay…this sounds like your father. (smiles & chuckles)

Dad: Is there anything wrong with just taking a break and resting?
(We laugh)

Kelly: (laughs) I just can’t believe…I mean …of course, I do believe this…I don’t even know why I’m here because this is the discussion I have with myself all the time

Karen: (laughing)…"Is there anything…" and that would be a quote, "Is there anything wrong with just slowing down and taking a break?"

Kelly: …Ya I know…and that’s the thing is that I’m not used to it so I’m not comfortable with it. That’s what’s going on and that’s what I’m contemplating…

Karen… (chuckles)…Your dad’s so cute…he won’t say anything else except that and…Isn’t he interesting! …Just asks a question…"Is there anything wrong with taking a break?"
…And the confusion…the muddle… I think is just the way in spirit to make sure you do slow down. You don’t have anything to prove….
Are you driving yourself to work hard because you want to give meaning to your son’s life…is that why you’re pushing yourself?

Kelly: Part of it…Oh I guess that’s one of my projects…it’s one of a hundred.

Karen: But the other thing too is…

Dad: You’re trying to work through the pain? Through the question…through the fear

Karen: Okay so help me out here (asking Dad)…So we’re talking about fear…What is Kelly afraid of? I don’t think she’s afraid of anything. She’s my fearless little warrior. In reality… (pause) Okay …so she’s…okay…

Dad: Basically she’s sick to death of just about ev...er...y..thing. She’s feeling huge amounts of remorse because she’s not getting the joy from life that she ought to. She is very, very use to being all things to all people and right now she just doesn’t have it in her. She’s… (pause) tired. She’s very very tired of putting on the face that other people need to see when in reality, she would truly just like to close the curtains and shut the door and be left alone…(pause)……And… Is there anything wrong with doing that? In time she’ll become tired of the solitude and she’ll be ready to participate but right now she is not in the mood to participate… nor should she

Karen: Okay… fair enough…spoken like a father.

Kelly: Uh huh…not that he would ever have given me that advice when he was alive…he’s better at it now when he’s gone (chuckle)

Karen: Well I think you and your father are made of something fairly similar…That compassion…or that quiet compassion…ya Hmmmm...

Dad: You’ve trusted yourself before…Why would you hesitate to trust yourself now?

Karen: So have you basically been the ROCK for everybody and you’re tired of being the Rock for everybody?

Kelly; yup…yup…always… [For those of you who know thie significance of this...the train whistles is going while I’m transcribing this part]

Karen: And there’s your dad’s chest pain back. Okay…that’s curious though…this pain is different…So…okay what about your father-in-law? Has he passed or is he still with us?

Kelly: uh huh…he passed

Karen: Okay one person I know that has passed, his pain was stabbing, sudden quick…The other one was slow, dull ache…is that your broken heart? I dunno?

Kelly: Or is it Kirk?

Karen: Kirk…did he know chest pain at the end or do you know?

Kelly: I don’t know…I don’t think so…there wasn’t even a gasp...It was a beautiful passing

Karen: I thought you needed to be left alone so you could receive his messages…I’m looking for him…I’ve been looking for him since you’ve come in and it felt quiet…very very quiet…Actually I could feel him at home better than I can here…So…now what was I catching at home? He was cute um…gotta tell you…What did he do to me this morning?
He was so cute…

Kelly: You know it was him?

Karen: Ya…well I knew…I went looking for him…Yes…sorry…I didn’t mean to be invasive...but I knew you were coming in so I went looking…
Um…what was the first thing he did to me?
He was really happy…He was…Oh!…He was sparkly and excited!…And it was as if he was met by, I’m assuming, an angelic presence and the first thing he was saying was…"Wasn’t that something!" and a feeling of…"We’ve done it!"

Karen: So... so… Okay…good physical reaction to that (she gets goose bumps)

Kirkland: We’ve done it. Everything’s in motion…Everything’s in place.

Karen: I felt as if the first words out of his mouth to those in spirit or the angels were, "Wasn’t that a ride!" "Wasn’t that something!" and "Everything’s in place!" "Everything...it’s all been done!" …and as if he had set the tone for whatever it was that needed to be done but he was giddy...excited…A real blend of wisdom and little boy…all in the same package and then the next thought was …'quiet' as if he needed a huge rest and …(she chuckles)…He almost reminded me of a young boy who is very, very excited about Christmas and got it all out of his system and now, "I need to rest for a bit"

Karen: And I’m assuming he’s still in that resting spot… he can be nudged a little bit and he sparkles… but then, "Oh…I’ve just gotta rest"

Kelly: Ya

Karen: Ya and so… Now, have you been able to reach anything or get any kind of sign?

Kelly: Well I knew it before…that it was going to be quite celebratory when he went back and there would be no …he would really not have any regrets when he got there…He’d know that he was totally successful and that everything was a total triumph

Karen: (Gets goose bumps down her arms) And you see…there’s that physical reaction…as soon as you said those words…REACTION! (in her body)

Kelly: Ya …the whole funeral and everything was just celebrating his triumphs.

Karen: Ya …ya

Kelly: …And I guess trying to teach people that that’s how it is…I’ve known that he would be tired but I didn’t feel that he’d be damaged after being here…I didn’t feel that his soul took any damage because I felt that he was so far superior to any of us here that the ego couldn’t harm his soul…So he wasn’t going to need to be repaired ‘per se’ when he got over there…but he was…it was still long…It was a huge goal…huge mission

Karen: Ya and I just felt as if…he stirs every now and then but for the most part he really requires some sleep.

Kelly: Ya… I’m not getting a lot from him

Karen: …So we’re getting the same

Kelly: But I don’t…people are saying to me, "Are you getting any signs and that stuff?”" and I say, "No." But I’m okay with that because I feel him anyway so I don’t need him to do any tricks for me…..um…Because there’s no question of it…if anything I’m wondering if what he is giving away is to his Godmother, Pauline who’s had like an epiphany since he passed away…whether he’s giving any energy to her cause she needs it? I don’t know…that’s my thought.

Karen: Hmmm…. I wonder…because…that’s what I catch…these little bursts and then slumber…and you’re right…victory and as if he’s done his work and now he rests. Ummmm… oh just a minute… Just a minute…there is a reason why he choses not…He’s fun too cause he’s gone from little boy to ‘wise one’

Kelly: Oh ya

Karen: He needs to give you your space…Something about…something about perfecting the harmony between the two realms…between that which is spirit and that which is physical…

Kirkland: The bond exists whether we can see it or feel it. It’s there but she’s the carrier of the message…she is the…she is the connection between physical and spirit. At this point in time though, the receiver of the message…at this point in time, she needs to rest…she needs to be repaired and the resentment that she feels towards other people stems from the knowledge that she is being hindered…that her progress is being delayed. Everybody needs a little bit of her and she feels as if she doesn’t have anything left to give and yet she’s too compassionate and too durable and she refuses to give in.
What is being expected of her from other people is not reasonable.

Karen: So at this point in time you really just want to put your energy into your children…end of story (pause)…Everybody else is a nuisance to you...
^
^
^
Kelly: Ya…I don’t want to show my emotions right now…I’m too tired to show them.

Karen: (laughs) ‘Kay now you’re reading me…I’m saying, “No you’re too tired.”
Ya, you’re too tired…You don’t even want to hear the story again yourself about how you feel…it’s just the way it is and that’s where Anita is absolutely perfect, and right now it is your time to rest.
My big question is though... (asks spirits) Why does she… why does she need to rest right now when the planet’s looking at fresh starts and new beginnings?

Spirits: Because the next leg of Kelly’s journey actually began last year. It began in 2007...Fall 2007. She’s tired but it’s only temporary.

Karen: About the hardest thing you should be doing right now is journalling

Kelly (LOL)

Karen: That’s about all you need to be doing…Have you been doing it already?

Kelly: I’m having trouble with it…It’s a lot of work too…

Karen: They’re saying that you don’t have to be eloquent it’s just getting the emotion on paper even point form.

Kelly: Ya I’m having a really hard time getting it down… and …

Karen: It’s bad enough you have to feel it let alone look at it?

Kelly: Yaaa…just not wanting to do it... It’s a struggle

Karen: I wonder what that is…Why they’re saying you don’t even have to read it…even point form…get a few words down and don’t look at it again…

Kelly: It’s probably because I need to capture the emotions for my book.

Karen: I wonder if that’s what it is.

Kelly: So…that’s been my fear…See, I haven’t written about the funeral and I keep saying, "Aw I'd better write about the funeral"...Because…you know…it’s important stuff there and I don’t wanna lose what’s gone on…I wrote about the death…I don’t know…

Karen: Don’t you think though that it’s really ingrained in your mind? Like you’re not going to forget it?

Kelly: I don’t know sigh…

Karen: No…you’re not going to forget a thing

Kelly: hmmm

Karen: No…right now I think it is the book and it’s just point form and don’t look at it again…when you’re ready you can look at it (laughs)…It’s almost as if you’re being asked to even put a blindfold on and quick write it down and then close the book… ya

Kelly: Interesting…cause even that (journalling)…which is usually my release …isn’t the comfort that I…that I need…I just…I can’t wrap my mind around anything right now

Karen: I know…I don’t think you’re supposed to.

Kelly: I guess I expect myself to…I…as far as my career…like everything…that’s why I’m here…everything is open right now…I don’t know where I’m going…I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it…I don’t know when I’m supposed to do it

Karen: And we know that money isn’t your motivator…You don’t get up in the morning and say I want to make money but you are going to make money and whatever it is you decide to do…it is going to have a huge impact on the planet and…the written and the spoken word are going to be your tools.

Spirits: There are certain aspects of your career that you will leave in the hands of other people

Karen: And I think it may have to do with one-on-one counselling where you don’t have to do that. I think there will be the odd case that you’ll take on…Are you thinking of becoming a minister?

Kelly: No but I am thinking of being a parent advocate…I see that as something that has come into my life through all this with Kirk...and I do it …I’m like a mentor to some families and I’m sitting looking at my future now wondering where I go with it…I’m a teacher right?

Karen: Uh huh

Kelly: Of course that’s looming too…Do I do that?...I started supply teaching and jobs are coming up, and what I would have considered ideal jobs for even the fall, and I don’t know that that’s where I’m supposed to be and I don’t want to jump in at it… but…

Karen: It doesn’t feel right even though it would be lucrative…it doesn’t feel right…it feels as if it would be temporary and detain you…delay your progress. Whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing, it’s got a spiritual feel to it…

Karen: Where I’m going… "minister?" …And I also thought a little more education- not that you really need it but it would be useful to have some sort of credentials behind your name…Maybe you already have it…I don’t think so and it supports other people.

Kelly: Well there’s the whole question of the Foundation …starting up the foundation…which I’m too tired to do…and the book and that whole thing …It’s all connected because I think through that, it’ll bring me into the realm of …talking about our journey…and it is spiritual…I mean..it’s all spiritual and that’s where… It’s so big

Karen: …And maybe Kirk was the teacher…maybe that’s what I’m misunderstanding is that he taught you

Kelly: OH YA!

Karen: And now it’s time for you to figure out, "What do I do with it?"
......................................

Take the time you need…don’t jump into anything…because what I’m catching is…you’re just going to wake up one morning and you’ll admit it’s time to begin…I feel as if that boy of yours is going to prod you and say… Umm... how does he do it? ..So he just whispers in your ear while you’re sleeping. “It’s time.” It’s as if there’s a healing touch that will occur while you rest (to quote your boy) “While you slumber, there will be a healer’s touch that will put the pain of the past where it belongs and allow you to move forward but…when your ready…and let us decide."

Karen: So he has other people who work with him...

Kelly: I know there are…they’re forcing it on me…They’re actually almost immobilizing me emotionally.

Karen: And I think that’s to protect you…I’m thinking that I hear you say, "Okay, I’ll wait for you to tell me that the grief will…uh.. that all that stuff will go away" and then…

Kelly: What does he say about the fact that I struggle with the fact that I don’t feel it…that I don’t feel the grief like I should?

Karen: (smiling) He’s got something saucy to say…

Kirkland: It means that you’re a very wise woman.

Kelly: Yes I understand that

Karen: You’re a success…ya…he’s saying something…"We taught you well"
A little saucy isn’t he? He wants to take credit for it (chuckles).

Kelly: (crying) Well I did learn it from him and I struggle with it…I can go for the better part of a day and not think about him and it’s only been 2 months but I look at that as such a gift because I’m not full of that remorse and grief but I feel guilty about it.

Karen: That’s because you’re taking on the…oh what is it he’s saying?

Kirkland: That’s because you’re taking on the thought processes of those who are lower life forms, who vibrate at a lower frequency. You’re comparing yourself to individuals who are less evolved than you are…

Karen: Ya…that’s all he has to say. It’s pretty fascinating isn’t it that he goes from a little boy to a wise one!

Kelly: It isn’t at all…I rarely ever viewed him as a little boy.

Karen: That’s right, that’s it…you picked up on his energy.

Kelly: Like… He’s always been someone I view with reverence as way superior, more highly evolved than any of us.

Karen: He’s like your adult son

Kelly: Ya for sure.

Karen: And just to have him say, “Huh, it’s cause you’re a wise woman.” And there isn’t baby talk, there isn’t little boy gestures…it’s almost…I kept having this feeling as if you were having someone crack the whip at you and this was what was expected of you and oh just a minute…

Kirkland: You need to know this…that you were born to be successful, that you would not have been selected for this life purpose if there was any chance that you would not be successful. The problem that is occurring is that you are comparing yourself to individuals who are not as evolved as you are. It’s a difficult choice that you have made but it does require that you stand alone…that people strive to become more as you are. The biggest mistake you can make would be to stoop to be like other individuals. Success is guaranteed. You were born with all the tools necessary to allow you to be successful.

Karen: You won’t fail. You just will not fail! You were designed to be successful.

Kelly: Now…my book… Is it…teaching about this through his journey? Is it taking what I’ve learned and putting it out there?

Karen: It’s giving meaning to the learning and it will be told in a story form.

Kelly: Okay…that was a question…See I’ve taken some writer workshops lately. So it’s going to be kinda fiction? They like it when I write like that…when I put myself in the third person and I don’t write like a journal but rather more like a story.

Karen: Apparently (pause)…Nope… that’s what it is…it’s to be told as a story. That way, even those who are not striving to learn something will learn. So even those who (simply) want to be entertained will learn something.

Kelly: I guess my intuition is still pretty high…I thought it was on a lower slope but I don’t think it is. All this stuff’s in my head and I’ve known it all along.

Karen: Yup, ya you just need someone to confirm that it is accurate. And so, it’s as if Kirk really does understand the planet. That there are some of us who just….

Kelly: Ya, ya he does…

Karen: Ya…it’s just, the book that you will write will touch people of all levels. I told you you’ll be on television, didn’t I? Ya you will be and that’s where you need to be cautious because, if the wrong person gets a hold of you, they’re going to capitalize on your pain.

Kelly: Well… I know that sells anyway…it happens with his fundraising. People are drawn to that

Karen: I think they just want to make it better…

Kelly: I don’t find it malicious. They don’t know what to do about it…

Karen: I think there’s just a lot of people who just want to make it better and there are some who can do it by getting out their cheque book…ya

Kelly: Now as much as I relate to him on a totally spiritual level…His death itself…what does he have to say about it?

Karen: About the actual…being released from this world?

Kelly: Was he there right til the end?

Karen: No..he uh..no.. While the body was shutting down, he’d already stepped out…about 5 minutes before…

Kelly: OH YA…5 minutes before, yes… but I mean- sometimes they go a lot earlier. I felt that he was there right up until…I don’t mean the last breath but 5 minutes…ya that would be right

Karen: It was 5 minutes before when he kinda stepped away…He seems to be in the room…OH FASCINATING!! He shows himself as a man. So what stepped out of that little package was not a little boy it was a man…and he’s doing…
(She gets shivers) Oh (I’m having) a big reaction to that one…
And he seems to be offering some kind of blessing to you, to everyone…to his family but he’s also blessing the house.
(pause)…In prior lifetimes, I think he was something very, very spiritual. I don’t know…ministry? A student of spirituality? But he feels wiser than that…there’s something…

Kelly: Well you’ve said before that when he's on the other side, he walks with angels…He’s closer to divinity than the rest of us.

Karen: That’s right…that’s right…’Ascended Master’- that’s what I would call him.
Ya but…(pauses) he’s doing something to the home...

Kelly: It’s interesting that you say that because it was the most beautiful night we had in our house. It was snowstorm and 2 in the morning. We spent a very peaceful night with him there…kind of all cocooned in our house…with a feeling of such peace and …Maybe he never the left the house at that point…??

Karen: No…it’s as if he’s going from room to room and doing something and according to Kirk, the ritual that he performed is very, very ancient and I wouldn’t be able to get my mind around it. But I do know this…it’s as if he was leaving a piece of himself in every room…So that no matter where you went…you would be able to feel his energy.
He’s showing me something…it’s as if he steps out of the little boy body and takes on this power, this force, this energy. I can only describe it as masculine and he seems to touch every single member of the family but it’s like…sprinkling something over you??
So that he becomes ingrained in all of you and then he goes into each room and sprinkles something that’s part of him…again…He’s teasing me saying, "You just wouldn’t get it." But he said my description is close enough.

Kelly: Does he think that I get it? Cause I’m feeling like I understand it.

Karen: Ya…you get it. You get it. He knew you would…

Kelly: Cause I …I have a feeling in me from that night that connects with what you’re saying…that peace of our house…the security, the warmth, the safety of it…how beautiful it was…

Karen: And no coincidences… Everything was set up so that it would be perfect…absolutely perfect and…ya a little piece of him wherever you need him to be…

Kelly: Well, we were all in different rooms too, while his body was still there. I was up in his room, Gerry was lying on the couch in the living room, one of the boys was in the basement, one was…and so we were kind of spread out and just waiting until we could get a hold of the doctor…so…ya…it was a really interesting night

Karen: all surreal…and just the way he moves…

TAPE ENDS AND DOESN”T GET TURNED BACK ON BY MISTAKE

Wednesday, February 6, 2008 3:46 PM CST

Hi,
I have yet to complete the transcribing of my reading but am working on it when I have a few minutes here and there. I went to the doctor's today...he finds it scary because in his opinion, I don't seem to have grief. I'm perplexed too...no grief? He won't draw any conclusions until I hit the six month mark...what the h^
Anyway...you'll hear what Kirkland has to say to that when I post the reading.

Meanwhile, my friend Darla who's a Mito mom too, wrote this beautiful piece today and shared it on the message board. I suppose I should get her permission to display it here...but it's just perfect and she speaks for all of us parents of special needs kids.
I know she won't mind, given my present writer's block. Thanks Darla...

"TIME FOR US"

I and my friends are parents of children with life-threatening special needs.
Do you know what it is like?

There have been days when we wished we could pull the covers over our heads and pretend things were different and to chose not to think about what the future might bring

There are times when we brace ourselves for the test results we knew were coming from the doctor in front of us, yet we begged it not to be true

These are the instances that take our breath away and we sit speechless not knowing what to say, so we pray silently that God would see us through, giving us strength we know we don't have without Him

There are breaths that come out in forced rhythms as we frantically fight to hold on through terrifying moments that you can't possibly understand, nor often can we

There are frames of our lives that define us because these were the most painful ones; moments that changed us forever

There were minutes where we were unsure of our decisions and yet thinking back, what else could we have done?

There are hours where we sit with thermometer and phone in hand, as we anxiously await the doctor's plan

There are months perhaps where we found ourselves confined to a room wishing to be home but knowing the hospital is where we needed to be

There are fragments where we feel hope when our child seems well, yet we keep wondering when things will crumble around us again

There were periods that we clung to you; our spouse, a friend, support group or relative to help us get through

There are seconds that we wished didn't exist and yet did, where each breath we heard feels like the last and we begged God might grant us a little more time

There were precious moments when the smile before us made us cry and we wouldn't change a thing knowing the child before us was made just as they were and just for us

There were lives that brought us joy just because they were our own and just because we loved them, where every little accomplishment to you might seem absurd but to us meant the world

There was a juncture where we have had to choose whether to live in fear or to choose to live, hard though it certainly is, and to focus on this present moment rather than the ones to come or upon those left behind

There is a future for each of us, no matter what may have past, where we will continue to breathe and live, hopefully gaining wisdom and understanding from all we have had to sacrifice

There is a past, although painful, that one day we will remember and wish we could live once again today

And we had a life, and still more to come, how do you think we will each choose to live it today?
This lifetime, filled with joys, fears, and a vast amount of unknowns, is our one lifetime and I know each one of us will cherish every single moment of time. How about you?

Each one of these emotions expressed is how we each feel all at the same time, all the time, though hard for you to understand.
Please, please take a moment of YOUR time to pray for US today!!!

Written by Darla J. Klein
February 6, 2008

Hmmmm...no grief eh...
How could I ever grieve and long for my baby to come back to me given the knowlege that he now frolics happily in heaven amid angels, cherubs, and his little friends.
All I need to grieve is that I'm left here to trudge onward through this mud!! (or snow as some would call it...grrrr LOL)

View from my front window...second winter storm in 24 hours...POO! Think Australia, Anit!!

luv Kelly xo

Tuesday, February 5, 2008 10:33 AM CST

Hi,
Yes...the reading went well. Kirk had some importanat words for me. I'm in the process of transcribing the cassette into words because there are many people who are truly curious to hear a legitimate psychic medium's reading. Especially for the moms I know who've lost their babies. If you can be patient with me, I'll post it for those of you who are interested but it'll take a bit...there's a lot of typing involved.

Until then
luv Kelly xo

Monday, February 4, 2008 6:41 AM CST

Morning,

I have only a minute to update.
Anita and I are off to the psychic this morning. I'm hoping to hear from Kirkland...I just need a boost.
I'll come back on with any revelations.

Life's bad for me right now. It doesn't help that I'm still sick. I won't be able to get into the doc til Wednesday but I'll call today.

We're leafing through travel brochures and are hoping to get away during the last week of February if Gerry can book off work. I don't really care where...somewhere hot with a beach is fine with me.

Okay...better get moving here. I'm leaving in 45 minutes.

Have a good day.
luv Kelly xoxo

Wednesday, January 30, 2008 5:02 PM CST

Jacquie sent this to me in an e-mail today...I don't know who wrote it but it certainly hits a chord with me so I thought I'd share it with you.
thx J.xo

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong-doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it… it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life…
whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Author unknown

luv Kelly xoxo

Friday, January 25, 2008 8:58 AM CST

Good morning,

Just dropping in to say 'hi'.
Same old stuff going on around here. I worked Monday and yesterday....I do love the Fairwind kids!! Wednesday, I froze my toes off at the ski hill with the Harrison kids...they were sweet too. Carson was no where to be seen as he graduated and was off to the big hills early on in the day. I did get a great wind/sun burn on my face (if you consider that a bonus).

I'm tired! I think a visit to the gym will be the extent of my activity today and I'm meeting up with a couple of old high school friends tonight so I'm looking forward to that.

Gerry's working a lot of overtime as it's T4 slip time and his department is in the midst of its busiest time of the year...FYI his company prints them. He'll be working this weekend and I'll be doing the 'hockey mom thing' solo I guess...yuck!

I'm also starting to organize Kirkland's paperwork...it's time...death certificate...memorial donations...thank you's etc. I also need to get thinking Mito March and jump at my obligations there.
So as you can see, there's no lack of stuff for me to do...just a lack of motivation LOL

In the midst of all this chaos, I admit to being lonely...go figure!

Okay...gotta go
Have a good weekend my friends!

luv Kelly xoxo

Monday, January 21, 2008 9:17 PM CST

****Note**** Mrs. Pam, I'd like to contact you. Would you please send me your email address??? thx xoxo

**************************************************************

Hi,
FYI...I've added a couple new photos to the photo album on this webpage.

The past week has been a busy one for our family...which seems to help. I worked today along with 2 days last week so I'm gradually getting back into the swing of things- although I'm rather tired.
Tomorrow I'm home and Wednesday I'm going skiing with Carson's school...well- not really skiing...
For anyone who knows me...I'll be the one standing at the bottom of the hill with a walkie-talkie and a hot chocolate. LOL
Hope it warms up a little before then.Brrrr!

The boys are well. Evan went to a hockey tournament north of Rice Lake on the weekend and won the gold so he was pumped.
Carson and I struggled but finally managed to get his goalie equipment on in time for his game on Saturday morning without Dad..that was an accomplishment but his team lost by one goal...my fault I suppose- LOL

Mito March 2008 is officially underway and in the planning stages...the organizers met Saturday afternoon. This year's event will take place on Sunday May 25, 2008 so be sure to mark your calendars!!

That's it in a nutshell. Ho hum...hate winter!!

We've been browsing the travel sites in hopes of finding a good deal so we can head anywhere south with the boys. It's been their wish for so long to go on an plane and it's ours to find a resort and plop ourselves on the beach for a week without moving...so hopefully we'll be able to swing it sometime soon.

So that's it folks...life continues at our house but there's definitely a lot less traffic and it's a lonely, quiet place for the most part. I cry easily now but not frequently (if that makes sense) when I think of Kirkland. I know it's okay and often releases pain that I don't realize has been mounting over the course of the day.
I do keep myself pretty busy though and am still fortunate enough to be blessed with the ability to laugh, smile, and enjoy life despite the gut-wrenching 'trauma' that has often battered my spirit these past few years.
I praise God and thank Kirkland for watching over me and helping to counter my grief with happy moments, laughter, and feelings of love & gratefulness so early after his death.
I was always so terrified when I tried to imagine how my life would change when Kirkland died but here I am...living through it and generally, I'm doing okay!
Thank you Bubbie...I know it's you! xoxoxox

BTW...For those who know the significance of the train whistles...they have been blasting the entire time I've been writing tonight...Thanks Dad, to you too! xoxo

Sweet dreams,
luv Kelly xo

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 6:30 PM CST

****Note**** Mrs. Pam, I'd like to contact you. Would you please send me your email address??? thx xoxo

**************************************************************

Hi,
I know it's been a while since I've been here and I've seen this happen to other moms of angels too who find that there's really not much to talk about once their child has gone to heaven. Trust me...my life isn't so exciting that it's worth reporting. Kirkland is what this page is supposed to be about.

I've been struggling this past week...everything is starting to sink in now that the holidays are over with. I can't focus on much including writing...the days go so quickly and before I know it...they're over and I've accomplished very little. I can't even seem to watch t.v. for longer than 20 minutes before I turn it off.

I did put a day in at school on Monday which was enjoyable. I spent much of the day just observing the kids around me and trying to envision myself back in the classroom setting full-time. I do love them and know that teaching is my calling but I don't know that I can wrap my head around full-time teaching yet so supplying is good for the time being...no pressure!

The tears seem to flow more easily lately and it's amazing how my reflection of a few memories can open the floodgates. Photos are particularly difficult for me to browse through. I tried to pull out photos of Kirk and scan them on Saturday but had a total meltdown and ended up in pretty rough shape emotionally for the rest of the day...so I gave up.

This is a very difficult time for me to share with everyone, for I am trying to deal with a whole new life and don't really know how to express what's going on in my mind. Eventually as my life without Kirkland evolves, I may be able to communicate my feelings to you but right now...they fluctuate from minute to minute.

I can't make any longterm plans because what I'd like to do right now isn't what I'll necessarily feel like doing tomorrow...I can't start any project that will take an extended period of time because I lose interest or can't concentrate. So I bite off small chunks and feel good if a get a few loads of laundry done and put away, or make it through a work-out at the gym.
I know this is all very normal so I am not questioning this or fighting it...nor am I looking for explanations from anyone. I'm simply sharing my current thoughts with those of you who still tune in to see what goes through the mind of a mother after she has lost her child.

Kirk's nurse Betty put it perfectly when she told me, "Grief work is a tough job..it's exhausting and requires a lot of effort so there's not much energy left for anything else during the process." It's so very true...my emotional bank is totally empty and there's very little left for me to offer at this time so I realize I have to give myself a break. I also recognize that taking it easy on myself is typically a foreign concept so it is a challenge to say the least.

That's it for now...sorry...no wonderful revelations or moving passages for you to read. If and when I do feel the urge to spew the words out on paper, maybe then I can share more of my life. My typical writer's block is currently compounded even more by the emotional turmoil that I feel.

I'll try to post more pics of Kirk when I'm able to sort through them with a smile on my face rather than through tears.

Until then...keep well.
luv Kelly xoxo

Wednesday, January 9, 2008 8:12 AM CST

Hi,

The MCB and St. John's United Church choir, in concert December 1st, 2007. Milton, Ontario

Our conductor, Joe.

Here's the pic that's gonna make Anita and I famous!
...a 'cut off' shot of me along with the back of Anita's head!!LOL

No news with me...pretty boring. I'm about to put in a few hours of practice and thought you might like to see mine and Anita's band...the "Milton Concert Band". Not bad for a group that started out in someone's basement last February eh?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
warning: This is where you might want to stop reading...my fingers ran away on me and the passage below is the result. It looks like I've started to do some heavy-duty grief work while I sit here alone with my thoughts. This is sensitive stuff and isn't for everyone. Please don't read below if death is a 5-letter word for you!
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I actually look back on that night with a bit of reservation. Talk about stress...if I wasn't able to make the first concert, that would mean zero trombones in attendance. Our day was full, Kirk had been off his feeds for 4 days and was very weak, visitors were in our home all day long, Dr. Feigenbaum had visited til 5:15pm and I was due in Milton at 5:45pm. My hair and make-up weren't even done never mind my concert dress!
I made it for 6 pm...dumped my music stand twice...shaking for the first hour of dress rehearsal.
In the end, the concert was fantastic! Another trombonist had been brought in last minute so it was him and I. And small world that it is, I'd played with Derek 14 years ago in the Chinguacousy Concert Band.

When we finished, I called Gerry (10pm) to tell him I was on my way home. He called me at 10:20pm to see where I was...I reported 9th line and Embelton Rd...he said, "Okay...just don't stop on your way." I booted it the rest of the way figuring if I was pulled over, the police officer could drive me...lights and siren.

I arrived, holding back the tears...Nancy was still here. Kirk was stable but had just spent an half hour with O2 sats dipping into the 40's and his respirations were very low.
Nancy didn't want to leave us but had been here for 12 hours. I sent her home...for she would be back in 9 hours anyway- or so we had planned.
And once convinced that Kirkland was okay, I caught my breath, got washed, and changed.

Shortly after that, I decided to try and turn Kirkland to the 'problem' side to see if I could help him clear his lungs. His sats quickly dipped to the 40's. Nothing I could do was helping so I accepted that he would need to stay on his good side from now on and I turned him back over.
His O2 sats never did return to a high level and his breaths became more shallow and slowed down. I knew he was going. I cuddled him on the bed and gently ran my hand over his weak little body, soothing him and telling him to go with the angels now...that I was going to be okay...that we loved him so much and that it was finally his time. He made gentle sounds to let me know he still heard me.

Gerry phoned Wendy and asked her to wake Evan up and get him ready to be picked up...it was 1:30 a.m. A winter storm was now in full force. He also called Sue and asked her to drive Carson home praying that they would travel safely despite the hazardous roads. We feared that Carson might not make it home even the next day with the storm that raged. I envisioned the police bringing him from Acton or a snow plow...how scary that would be for my little man.

Gerry left to get Evan. I pulled over the rocker and cuddled my dying child in my arms. I knew it wouldn't be long as the breaths were few and far between. I turned off the machines and removed the oxygen mask. Even at this point though, he was aware...his soul hadn't left as they sometimes do...he made slight sounds to acknowlege I was whispering my love to him. There were no tears...I was strong for him as I wanted him to go easily.

Evan and Gerry arrived around 1:50 a.m. We circled Kirkland with our love and comfort...kissing him and soothing one another. At 2 a.m. Kirkland's tiny breaths stopped, lying in my arms just as he had only minutes after his birth...no trauma, no pain, no distress...
Carson arrived at 2:10 a.m. We spent the next hour together as a family, circling Kirkland. Gerry rocked him too.
Eventually the boys went downstairs and I bundled Kirk up nice and cozy and laid him in his bed. That was the start of a night of vigil- a beautiful silent night...a night with no machines running...candles lit, and our family protected by a beautiful blanket of snow that would keep the outside world from interupting us until daybreak........

Monday, January 7, 2008 8:12 AM CST

UPDATE: 6:45 pm
Good news...the holidays are over! Yippee!! The trees and decorations are down and put away.
I made it through...another miracle!!

bye

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Good Morning,

Okay...Today I'm gonna face it! The tree's coming down and I'm going to look at the empty space in my living room that used to house a mini-hospital.

Today I'm going to spend the day alone, looking out the window at the bleakest of days and fight the SAD, the January blahs that are suffocating this year!

Today I will try to find something to distract me from my reality... something to look forward to in my life...something to be positive about...something to help me miss Kirkland less...

Today I'll challenge myself and be grateful when the day is finally over, realizing that I've made it through another one and that I can now escape through sleep...the only thing that seems to quiet my emotions these days.

Okay...ready, set, go >> I'm off. Wish me luck.
Have a good week,
luv Kelly xo

Friday, January 4, 2008 9:30 AM CST

Good morning,

It's been a pretty slow week around here...There's so much that needs to be done. Put all together, I'm sure I could work 24 hrs/day for the next year and still not be finished. But I can't seem to accomplish anything...maybe one little job a day and that's it.
It's so unlike me...for years I longed for the time needed to do all the stuff around here that needs doing so I'd race around to make use best use of my respite time when the nurses were here. Now the hours are endless yet I can't keep focussed on anything long enough to accomplish it.

In that sense, I can't wait for next week to start so the boys are back at school and maybe I can start establishing our "new normal" around here. I'd like to ease back into supply teaching at my school too because the days and evenings at home are too long and lonely. Hopefully when band rehearsals start up again and Mito March 2008 gets moving, I'll feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. I joined the gym which has been a good 'no-mind' outlet for me as I walk uselessly on the treadmil to kill an hour or two.

Soooo....that's where I'm at personally. I've been coping okay I suppose. I wake up early in the morning and lie in bed thinking about Kirk and often have my daily cry then. Some days are better than others, some sadder- some happier. As was the case when I used to worry if I'd be able to cope with the anticipated grief...now I wonder if I'm in denial and the walls are going to come crashing down one day soon because I'm coping too well and am not feeling the way I thought I would. It's crazy and I just can't seem to win for trying!
Too much thinking, I guess.

I realize it's only been one month since Kirkland passed and with the holidays, there've been so many distractions in my life...it's only natural that now I'm left to deal with the carnage. It will happen in its own time and I just need to ride it out and cut myself some slack. I do get it, believe me. But this realization, coupled with the winter blahs can make for a bleak outlook at this time that's all.

Summer sun...where are you? LOL
Tanning bed??...nah!
Trip south?? hmmmm...sounds good, doesn't it? Hockey rinks just don't cut it with me! yuck

Have a good weekend,
luv Kelly xoxo

Tuesday, January 1, 2008 9:56 AM CST

I posted some holiday photos on Webshots. Click the link below to view the album.

by kilbridek

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Here's the link to an album of pics from New Year's if interested...

by kilbridek

Happy New Year, my friends!!

I'm pretty wiped...got in at 2:30 a.m after performing for 5 hours last night. The swing band I joined in the fall, "Don Singulars's Memory Lane Orchestra", had two gigs last night. I must say it's great to be back on stage although my lips aren't in agreement this morning. I gave myself a fat lip and a cut early on during the evening by taking a mouthpiece to the bottom lip trying to remove my mute quickly. duh!! Fortunately, it didn't hinder my playing too much.
What a wonderful way to spend New Year's Eve and start off a new year...playing music...one of my ultimate joys! I thoroughly enjoyed it and am thankful for having music and good band buddies in my life at this time.

I'll come back on later...I need that second cup of coffee pretty badly right now!

love to you all and all the best in 2008!

Kelly xoxo

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