History

Tuesday, October 26, 2010 8:14 PM CDT

I held Savannah's hand tonight. She was wearing Cassie's bracelet, the one on my tat. The cast I made of us holding hands.

I compared the unicorn drawing to the ink on my breast. 'Designed by Savannah for Mommy March 22, 2004'. The artistry is beautiful, on both.

I just missed a call from Jerry. I am not going to call him back. I am enclosing myself. It is that time of the year. Confused a bit as to why it has taken so long. I feel every fiber of my being sinking, craving isolation. The welcome depression. So calm in mayhem. Escape. I don't want to be saved. I want to float in my sadness for a while. my selfishness. I steal the little bit that I am entitled. I need the numbness. Time for Ben, Amy, John, and Rocky.

Friday is the most vile of all the days of the calendar. The day I had to begin to watch my daughter die. I remember the clothes I wore. I still have them hanging in my closet. I remember I ran, I abandoned her. I can come up with all kind of logical explanations to the contrary, but when you strip away the excuses, that is what is left. A shrink would fight me on that, but it is what happened. One of my many failures in life. One of the things put into motion that I could stop, let alone slow down. Funny how people can't see what I see.

Cassie told me last night that I finally began to age just a couple years ago. just thought that was funny.

Last night Cassie asked if we could talk. I wonder if what I have done for her is the best for her. Did I misinterpret my first God moment? Was it some insecure self righteous direction I chose to parent my children? Am I nothing but a martyr? Is this some kind of joke? The carpet was pulled out from under me. Is Cassandra just a normal insecure frustrated teenager and I read too much into that? What if I was right. What if I still am? What if I was wrong? What if I still am? How does one know? What if I make changes and I destroy all sanity and stability that I have built. Or I am selfish? Finally at a point in my life that I, Lisa, am comfortable. I love where I am, I love my job, I love my community, I love my friends. I don't want to leave. Finally, after 23 years. I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE now. I wanted to for years. I gave up. Resented. Accepted. and am at peace. In a strange way feel I excelled. I have come full circle.

I have replaced my dead child with community work. Reaching out to others in need, to help not enable. Poor Cassie. You know how hard it is to hear, why do you get other kids more for Christmas than I get? huh? never thought of it. I needed to compensate for the lack of another. I dragged her with me. Made her work beside me. This is not bad, but what friends does she have? What about those relationships that build into a life. I have focused on charity for so long. Bad word. Focused on giving. Lifting up the lost. But my God, what losers my daughter has been exposed to. damn prepositions at the end of a sentence. She must think I am a fool. This is turning into a beat up Lisa post. Sigh, it is where I am.

Cassandra doesn't mind the idea of me moving home to St Louis.

Slam!

Theoretically I could do up there what I have done down here. But it won't happen. The opportunities are limited by time, physical distance, and other restrictions. I would just give it up and be one of the mindless giving to those in front of Walmart instead of being a part of who they are and what they do, trying to really make a difference. Relying on the government to take care of the situations instead of doing my part to take care of it myself. I see my soul withering. Bad song to have on right now. Savannah's favorite. and the tears flow. the infusion room. the purple gloves. the covered up bags of plasma. the bald kids. the wheelchairs. "wake me up. save me from the nothing i've become. i've been living a lie. there's nothing inside." Have I been living a lie? Maybe the blank faces of the city is where I need to return. The numbness. I have kept my daughter from it. Just because I learned there was true life outside of a metropolitan, does NOT mean she will see it that way. "am I too lost to be saved?...return to me salvation...will you be on the other side. will you forget me?...I want to die". Ah, my favorite line Evanescence ever sang.

I have too many things going against me at the moment. PMS plays a big factor.

I may be fooling myself in my present happiness. I just don't deserve this. I threw it all to the wind for my heart before. It was returned to me in the depths of mental illness. My child was dragged through it. My neighbors were dragged through it. My friends, oh God, almost destroyed them. Okay, get your shit together, Lisa. One is NOT like the other. I am worth more than that. I am so scared to risk. I am not fragile, but i am so so so so breakable. I am exhausted. "isn't some one missing me?...I am all alone"

Who needs my garbage? I would never wish this on my worst enemy. Why do I think I can be in a healthy relationship? I certainly don't have a good track record.

I am a misfit. Always have been. I find misfit tribes, from RHPS to GDI to KMNR. I am in a place in my life where I am embraced for who I am, and I like it. I don't want to change anything. But once again, the strings may begin to pull.

Thursday, October 21, 2010 7:00 PM CDT

An incredible time since I last wrote. Time draws so near and I am fine. Probably means I will break soon. The memories will start creeping in and I will lose control over them.

Harley lives with me now. Fred's dog. My 100+ lb rot/shep mix. He looks like a bear. He told me he loved me tonight. Well, it was very muffled in a dog voice. the other night we had horrible storms come through. he woke me up, scared. next thing i knew, the old man was trying to climb into bed with me. i helped pull him up. he was such a baby. he cuddled as close as he could. Fred is working in TX. Who knows when he will be back for a day or two. It was funny, a couple weekends ago I had a house full. I was told that I was such a dog person. funny, i am a cat person.

eight years. wow. Savannah would be 13 going on 30.

i have had an amazing summer and fall. i am happy. with happiness comes worry and fear, on so many different levels.

I love my daughter. She is my confidant. She is my friend. She is my child. She sees and understands. She rocks. I always thought Savannah was the old soul. But I may be wrong. The way Cassandra handles things is beyond her years. She is normal hormonal bitchy and lazy. she agrees. yeah!!!!! yeah yeah. Can life be any better? hmmmmmm. I know it can be worse. i count my blessing daily. I feel I can't want more because I know how much I have. I am scared to allow more. I have such limited amount of control, in reality.

Thursday, August 26, 2010 6:27 PM CDT

Today I am sad. I am depressed. I feel that I am sinking. I want to get wrapped up in it. I am going to embrace the blackness. Because within the dark I can grieve. I can pour my heart into my loss. I am entitled. I miss my little girl. I am due. This is my selfish time where I can make it all about me. I can't do that in my regular life. So, I listen to Amy's voice and Ben's lyrics. It is a comfortable place.

This darkness is a happy place. For within the cave is love. How often have I written that only intense pain can mirror intense love. And the gift I had of Savannah in my life. Tears flow and I smile. I cry because I remember. I smile because I remember. I cry because she is gone. I smile because she will always be a part of me. I cry because of the horror that became her life. I smile because the world became open to us. I cry because she died. I smile because she lived. I cry because I am in pain and always will be. I smile because I was chosen to be the mother of an angel.

Eight years ago Savannah started kindergarten. Eight years ago the symptoms slowly crept in. Not enough to be noticed at first. But as the cancer cells spread out in her brainstem, the symptoms grew exponentially.

I never wanted her to live when I was told the diagnosis. It was an absolute. She was going to die. She had such a short window left. Oh how I prayed for quality. Time was of the essence. A five year old girl was dying and I couldn't slow down time. All I could do was live. Savannah MUST have an entire life packed in to whatever time was granted to her. Utterly exhausting. Looking back, I cannot comprehend how I did it. I can't comprehend how MUCH life we experienced. I cannot comprehend the horror we all lived minute by minute. I can't comprehend that Savannah's sister is stable and thriving. I can't believe I survived. or have I?

I learned so many things. I learned how to listen. I learned to open my eyes. I learned how to live. I learned how to love. I learned that death is the price of life. I learned that no matter how good you are bad shit can happen. I learned that no matter how much you protect your children, you may still outlive them. I learned that death should be dignified. I learned an experience like this can rip at the very fabric of your being, making some question their faith. I learned life is a gift. I learned that you may need to fight those you never thought of fighting. I learned I needed to have a strong voice. bellowing. I learned that part of your core personality can actually change. I learned that to love comes with a price. But I learned the price is always worth the love. No regrets. None.

So once more, I am so blessed (crap the tears again). I have lived. Not only did Savannah live a lifetime in 18 months. So did I. I am at peace. Another thing I learned. Us dpg parents can break the barriers society puts on grief.

Writing tonight makes me wish that I COULD write and not be an engineer. I want the words to flow. To be gentle to read. To explain that the cave is not bad. It is safe. A place deep within myself. To revisit my most extreme emotions. And both happen simultaneously.

My sweet Savannah. Mommy hurts. I miss you horribly. I am listening to your favorite band. They have broken up and become new bands. Maybe, I will put a We Are the Fallen song up on your website. Cassie is growing up. She is playing basketball now. She is getting good and has intense drive. Speaking of which, she is doing now. Yesterday, she almost got us creamed, but she is learning. Savannah, your big sister is going to help Ms. Joan teach Cotillion again. Can you believe it? Your awkward big sis teaching an etiquette class, and this will be her third year. Funny, huh?

Baby, who would you be now if you were still here with us? How would you have grown? Would you still be the über patriot? Would you still have boys fighting over who gets to play with you? Would you still not care and think they are stupid? Would you still be giving away your stuff for girls and boys that have less than you? Would you still want to make brownies for the cancer kid survivors. (I saw a picture at a memorial for kids that died at AR Children's Hospital. It was you and another little girl at the survivors picnic. You both passed that year. Is she your friend in heaven? I don't even know her name.) Please Savannah, watch for the little ones at the gates of heaven. Take their hand. Dance. Be cancer free, tumor free. Don't miss us too much. We have enough tears here for all of us. Be free. Feel the love. Feel my love. Thank you darling for allowing me the privilege of being your mommy. I will be with you once more. I look forward to it. When my journey is complete, I can hold you in my arms once more. Bundle baby, I have someone new in my life. He is a good man. I don't know where this will lead, but I am happy. John is a breath of fresh air. But with that, I am sorry about your Jerry. I remember how you spoke his name. I understand the connection. I tried little one. No one can take that from me. But I did with your daddy, too. Jerry held onto sanity for as long as he could. Always know he loves you as he does your momma. Life continues, little one. I am so sad you cannot hold my other hand. But I am so glad that you once did. My life was touched by an angel. I feel your gentle touch on my cheek when we lost another child to brain cancer. Your soft voice comforting my pain. Did you know those tears were for your impending death? Oh baby, I got to meet John LeCompt from Evanescence except he is in We Are the Fallen now. Cassie was persistent, and stood there until his father told him she was there. I got to thank him for his music in the past and his music today. He has the most beautiful smile and is SO personable. He has no idea of our connection with the music and that is okay. They will forever have fans. Honey, I am tired. Cassie, community work, and my job keep me exhausted. Life is good. It has a big hole, though. I keep the hole filled with memories and your legacy and the with the person I have become. At times, the hole rips apart and it becomes the wound that bleeds. Again it will scab over until next time. I can imagine you today. I can hear your voice. I can see you. I can hear you being a demanding teenager with an attitude. Just for a moment. I smile within the tears. I love you Savannah Phoenix Hurley.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010 8:19 PM CDT

A month and a half since i have been here. I said I would do better. Today is my mom's birthday. She will never read this, but Happy Birthday Mom.

Summer has been so busy for me and Cassie.
I have been floating on clouds since Sunday night. Cassie and I went to see We Are the Fallen. OMG. Words escape me. funny, huh? We got to meet John LeCompt. What a personable man, and sooooooooooooo hot. Got to appreciate. I am not dead. I did thank him for his past music as well as his present music. I didn't tell him why. But I already wrote about that. He has an incredible smile.

Cassie and I spent a long weekend with some friends at Tablerock Lake. My John came down. He is such a sweetheart. We had another perfect weekend. Needless to say, Sunday was long.

My daughter is driving now. Amazing how time flies. 10th grade. means my little bundle butt would be going into 8th. how life has changed in the past 8 years. would she be wearing her hair long or short? would she be wanting to wear makeup and insisting on wearing Hollister clothes? I type with a smile on my face. She was never meant to stay long. I miss her none the less. I still miss her horribly. I have always heard the best presents come in small packages. Well, God gave me the best present.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010 6:24 PM CDT

Several years ago my good friend Mark sent me a book. Tuesdays with Morrie. I think I wrote about it before. Today I watched the made for tv movie. It followed the book well.

I cried. alot. little bits here and there. of course, i cry often. Just a musical or picture of a child can start it. simple overwhelming beauty that I recognize. I seldom EVER cried as a child or as an adult until late October of 2002. I was told I was cold and distant. I just never had the urge. I have been making up lost time on one of the greatest gifts given to us. Death doesn't make me cry. Loss does. Life does. Love does. Experience does. Grief does. The smell of my child's hair does. Watching my little girl become a young woman does. The time I have to wait to hold my youngest once more does. But not death.

What always amazed me with the book is not that there was anything I learned, other than I am very normal. I made the choice not to hide and not to run. It was the hardest thing I had to change about myself. Face tragedy head on. Many around me ran. Only Jerry plunged ahead with me. But he came during the last seven months. The first 11 months I was alone. I had help. That is not what I mean. I had friends and family help in so many different ways. But LISA was alone.

Getting off track. In regards to the characters, I had been all of them. The transformations. The choices. The changed to the core person that I am today.

How many people have written to me off site telling me I should write a book? I would have to use my toes and beyond. But it was already done. I could add nothing.

There are differences. I never really contemplated the why. I just accepted. Had my personal pity parties because I was scared, was fearful, was sad of the pain our situation was causing others, was upset my child was dying and there wasn't a damned thing i could do about it. That may be why one of my trigger points it, 'everything happens for a reason'. may work for some. Personally, I think how can you get any more stupid! I did do the 'it is not fair'. that is very different. that is anger.

The change our world's take. the machines. the learning how to use these mechanical and plastic devices. the degrading things we had to do to our children. which are not degrading. we as a society believed that. how we had to learn to change how we thought.

I was always proud of Cassie. Yes, she chose not to stay with us in the hospital. She was 9 years old. She did know she would wake up in the morning and her little sister would be dead. She did come in the room and say goodbye. well, actually, she said nothing. she just looked at her. damn. that pisses me off. not fair. Cassie did choose to go to Lincoln Il with me to stay until Pawpaw Allen died. She sat beside him or at his feet while he struggled to breathe. she was what 11? he did hang on longer than expected and we were gone then. She came with Lisa and me when Lisa put Maddie down. Has she developed that same morbid death streak her momma has? Or does she feel her presence is one of understanding? does she feel guilty because she was too young and couldn't stay by her sister's side? or does she not have a clue of the workings of why and just goes with what she feels is right? we don't talk about it. i feel it is nothing i need to ask. at least at the moment.

wow, i started my career as a telephony engineer 23 yrs ago today. more than half my life.

off subject. it was good to see the movie. validates me, what i lived, and who I became. For as much as I cry, I am happy, content, and at peace. There is always room for more. I have so much of what really matters. Love. kind of the whole point of the movie, er book.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010 8:13 PM CDT

Wed June 9th
I never shared this before. The note from the band. I had it framed with the poster they sent. My post about this was…

Okay, I love this next part...
...I got a box from Ann and Joel in CO. We went to the University of Missouri-Rolla together. It had a package and a card. I read the card. Beautiful...until the..."he arranged for this package from Evanescence". I froze. 'Cassie, oh my God, oh my God, Cassie Cassie Cassie...it's from Ann and Joel...I mean it's from Evanescence...I mean they did this...their friends did this...Evanescence did this. AAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!' It was taped up sooooo tight. I wanted to rip it apart. That's funny because I always savor opening gifts. I take everything in. But not this. Oh Savannah, you would have loved this. I was laughing with my eyes filling with tears. Cassie received two dolphin statues and an Athens olympic pin with dolphins on it. Thank you so much for including her.

I pulled out a framed single, My Immortal. It had a concert bill from England. Signed by Amy Lee. Then out came an Evanescence necklace. A full size poster of Amy Lee. Oh, I know Savannah would have claimed that. She thought Amy Lee was the prettiest girl she ever saw. I almost didn't see the card...it was still wrapped so tight in the paper. A beautiful note that read like their mystical lyrics to me, Lisa, signed by Miss Lee herself. That is my favorite. I took it with me to work today and had to show everyone. Most didn't have a clue (their loss), but I told them it doesn't matter. It means something to me. I had field work to do today. I took the box along. Stopped by 3 other phone company offices and made everyone see and hear the story. Oh, what a day I had. On cloud nine. I smiled all day. Except...what was up with these radio stations? No Evanescence ALL day. Maybe I miss it. Anyway, upon entering Russellville right before quiting time...Seether with Broken came on. For those who know...Amy sings on that single. Finally. I grabbed the card out of the back seat and gave thanks for everyone. The circumstances surrounding WHY this all transpired SUCKS, but God works through the hearts of his people. The most popular band in the world right now and they send a mourning mommy a package. AWESOME!!!
I have never written what was on the note. I was a privacy nut. But it is permanent fixture on my wall. So…
Lisa,
May the sweet music from the memories engulf and extinguish the flames of pain from the loss.
Amy Lee
Now I understand the band probably signs hundreds of things a day. It was gathered for me and had very little to do with them. But it matters not to me. I remembered first reading Ben’s mom’s guestbook entry. Another wow. I never had the chance to see Ben in concert. Until now. It was good to see them all together again, abate Amy. It kind of made it feel complete.
We Are the Fallen were in LR a couple weeks ago. They were ‘incredible’. To be so close to those that musically helped me get through the most difficult time in my life, to include during and the grief following. I was within feet. Of course I am not going to approach them. I should, to thank them. For how many years did I only have their songs on this site? But that is kind of stalking behavior and they don’t need to hear my story. They are there to rock out. I think I smiled the entire night. That was the best concert experience of my life. July 25th they will return to LR at the Village. Cassie wants to go with me. Fred wants to go again. Personally, if I have to drive from Russellville, we ought to have a car full.
The box was put together from my now dear friends Mark and Kate. Back then, they were anonymous to me. So much tragedy for their family, as well.
I got out Savannah’s hair last night. My hair matching attempt failed this time. I should just keep my dark red hair and not struggle so hard to recapture her color. I think not. It felt good to have her next to me in bed last night. Even if it was fragments from the past. I slept well. I cried. I miss her. I am happy. Always felt her presence next to me. It is a mommy thing. Maybe from the breastfeeding years. I have no regrets and thank God every day for the life I have been granted. Pain and anguish included. You can’t have the depth if you don’t have the intensity of the love.

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i had dreams once. I had dreams and a plan on how to achieve them. some of my dreams i didn't even know when i started preparing.

i realized something very monumental to me a couple weeks ago. When we went to IN to the Nickelback concert. We drove into my subdivision. we pulled into my driveway. we entered my house. all my goals. What I was going to do for me. hmmmmm. except it wasn't my subdivision. nor was it my driveway or house. my reaction. Way cool, someone did it. no animosity, no envy, no jealousy. it was so awesome that he opened his home for all of us. i am so so very happy.

didn't think anything of it until I returned and later had a conversation with Fred. he was telling me about reconnecting with a friend that had done so well. i said, I am happy for his accomplishments. He went ballistic. what about him? basically, it isn't fair. wham. in my face. it went on briefly, he got pissed and left. made me realized I am happy.

you NEVER know what people have to go through to be where they are? why be envious? No one wants my life. Yes, I have an incredible daughter, yes , I have a great boss which means I have a great job, yes, I have a beautiful home. But who wants to watch your child die. Specifically, who wants to listen to her lungs fill with fluid until there is no more room for air? so, WTF? you bitch about how bad your life is? Are you kidding me? this crap really leaves people's mouths.

And since I have been typing, Savannah has been on my lap. Yes, I took her ashes out of her urn and my baby girl is on my lap. and i take time to hold her ashes and run my hands through them. morbid, maybe. sane, absolutely.

Cass has her driving permit. I took her out for the first time after work. i had been freaked out for months. until today. i was so calm. angel moment. i recognize it and thank God for it. a sweeping or embracing calmness. when it all boils down, it was MY responsibility and no one else. with a lot of help from above. Cassie did so well. she said she did because I was so calm. Thank you God. Thank you Mary, for giving me the strength once more when I needed to be a mother.

do you know ashes have spinal chips and huge bone chips in it?

what the hell. a staple. what was that from? breakdown sorry. it is gone. tonight i sleep with Savannah. this is one thing i treasure about being by myself. i would never ever cross my mind to do this if it was any other way. Therefore, it was meant to be this way for the last couple years. no regrets. filler space is fine.

i still have dreams. granted, they are very different from where I began. They would be even if my child didn't die. i am no different than any other 45 yr old woman. Life sometimes violently swings you off the path you were on and throws you on a gravel road. you must pick the rocks from your flesh and the soil from your teeth and begin to crawl until you can pull your battered and bruised self up, stumbling until you can get upright.

I am so blessed. I am the most blessed person I know. Of course, I am the ONLY person that i really know.

'Kansas' will be at Valleyfest this year. they moved it back to late August. I want it back the way it was. Oh, what am I doing to myself? they were the first concert i went to. i was 14. i want...i want...i will do this. i will take care of the CenturyLink tent. upfront and center stage. and NO shade. it is for the Boys and Girls club. Again I will forgo Kiwanis for my company. Cassie wants to be there. my child doesn't know how much it takes. my retarded ass volunteered once more since it is not a country band. i will NOT camp in the heat though. i just feel I owe it to my community and my company for their presence. will I ever feel that I have done enough? ever? Is it a control thing? if I can't control my life, can I control in aiding a good cause? I need therapy.

All in all, I am very good. My daughter KICKS ASS. She is a good kid. a typical lazy butt teenager that drives me crazy with her attitude and what she thinks she should have. BUT, I HAVE A NORMAL TEENAGER. I am just so lucky. We are so alike, and actually are soooooooooo close. We are also very different. Maybe, that is why we are so close. I have a new man in my life. This one could be good. If I don't screw it up. I try so hard to be indifferent. It is a facade. I will still fight to keep from being hurt. No hurry. I have a teenager, and stable to boot. just considering her momma has her little sis's ashes on her lap, as she types.

Jerry called me a couple days ago. How long has it been? I have my conclusions drawn. I needed him. I missed him. But I also knew it was good for me to go thought the anniversaries alone. I can depend on no person, other than myself. my weaknesses and insecurities are put into my face for no one to deal with other than myself. which is probably how it should be.

in my youth, i thought i could never be with anyone that didn't experience a similar life. that is true. i still believe that. however, you have different people in your life that fill that need. it just cracks me up that I have gone full circle.

with that, goodnite. Savannah and I are going to listen to her favorite band, Evanescence, and we are going to retire. I am going to hold her ashes in my arms and cry. and all will be good.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010 8:04 PM CDT

5-31-10
i have been very bad at upkeep here. between work and a 15 year old, crap, those are just excuses. i have been good and haven't felt the need.

summer has begun. Savannah's tat is exposed. and she starts up conversations left and right. she remains alive and i can share her short life. i will update more of what is going on, just not tonite. i want to dance.

----------------------------------------------------

9 days and counting. technically 8 days plus 10 minutes.

moving on. hurting but less.

in 9 days my home will be filled with friends. none that know the implication of the day. maybe one, but i doubt he will remember six yrs ago.

every relationship you have is very individual. that should be correct on both ends. i fear my strengths become my weaknesses. my insecurities shrouded in a veil of independence. hmmmm. what a paradox. because i am independent. i show who i am. so why am i scared. because this may be good. this may be everything i need. or it may not. except my gut says it may be. and my gut knows. so back to the, why am i even remotely worried?

i have given up so much in my life for others. as of today, nothing has changed. but today, i stand on my own. everything i have i earned, saved for, and did without to achieve. i gave up advancing my career for my husband's. i gave up advancing my career because my husband felt the need to procreate. i gave up my career because i needed to basically raise his offspring alone. it was never enough for him. i was left with a house i couldn't afford. but i did it. damn it. i did it. no more lancome makeup, no more shampoos added to a hair cut, no more lunches out. my children needed the only thing stable left i could give them. our home. whoaaaa what a tangent.

Fred had just called. The last time (we were just friends even) he said the way to get to me was to go after my stuff. well, duh. i did this. they didn't. where does entitlement fit into the equation here? so in this 15 minute conversation, there were at least 10 statements he made that reminded me that we are too different. not that this was an issue anyway. timing was good. i need to make sure my baggage is left behind. that is not fair to anyone else.

you must always recognize that our past creates the present and our triumphs and utter failures make us who we are today. and thus never should be discounted, for they become beneficial.

another tangent.

i had an incredible weekend. it was different. not what i am used to. still to early to write about it. could seem presumptuous on my end.

Little Cassie. I need to do this right. Teach by example. A gentleman always opens the doors for you. How many times in a business situation have I judged men by this? countless. just one example. they fail, in general. and i always remember. damn, another tangent. i cannot stay on track.

situational acute stress. perfect. i could have just paid a shrink $200 an hour to tell me that. duuuuuhhhh.

brings me back to the crux.

Savannah, my red headed spitfire with the pipsqueak voice, six years ago your days (ah hell, your hours and minutes) were numbered. The word went public for everyone to change their prayers. upon my insistence, the prayers became pleas for death. what kind of mother does that? I am cool with it. It was my responsibility as a mother. It was my incredible and intense love for you. Savannah, no matter how much i loved you and didn't want you to die, it was time. Your brain stem eaten up with this vicious beast. All your basic life functions being crushed under the force of this alien growth from within. how many brain hemmorages did you even have? i would no longer allow tests. i couldn't put you through them. that would have just been selfish. I had already decided that death was a part of life. and if I grasped onto that,we could do this with dignity. and it hurts. damn it still does. and it is hard to type when i am crying. Savannah, Ms. Lisa, the twins mom, found me of fb. do you remember her? of course you so. Do you remember the two of you making cotton candy and the sugar fibers floating up to the ceiling? do you remember her bringing you an Easter basket filled with the most scrumptious goodies? What about the birthday swimming party? You chasing everyone down with a plate of cake. I remember her organizing my kidnapping for a day at the spa. no one ever did anything like that for me. never in a million years would I have thought i would have liked that kind of stuff. I LOVED it. I remember her writing in your site the night you went with the angels. The most incredible post. I could never compare to her beautiful writing. She so loved you. And baby girl, I always will.

Little one, I miss your painter right now. he is the only one that knows me and understands me right now. he has dropped out of sight again. i think he is cycling with his bipolar. he respects me enough not to include me in his swings. i am being selfish by wanting to talk to him, to hear the voice of complete understanding. comfort him Savannah, please. I will be okay. just thinking about you and remembering. 'tis the season. I am so proud that I was and always will be your mother.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010 6:06 PM CDT

Copy and paste the link. You may have to use your password for caringbridge to get in. He is back in ICU now and really needs words of encouragement. Thanks
---------------------------------------
I am adding a link to a new caringbridge site that a friend of mine set up for her brother Jimmy. He has a long road to recovery but is now finally out of ICU. Please stop by and leave a note of encouragement. What am I even typing? Y'all know what to do. Love you!

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jimparrott

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A new song for Savannah. It has been brought up twice this week. It has created tears of joys and sadness. I have held her ashes in my arms and kissed her. The fullness of the heart, it creates. My love.

i had a strange weekend.

I just deleted a book. too detailed for what i write here. in a nutshell, Fred is trying to get back with me, I think. okay, it is obvious. flattering but no. upped it when he found out I may be be in the early stages of a new relationship.

a song came on later, Moody Blues, Forever Autumn. I always cry. and so i began. i get up to wipe the mascara off my face when i see a huge rabbit hopping by my mailbox. tears are gone and i run to get my camera. i tell fred to follow me. i am hiding behind my trashcan snapping all these pictures of the Easter Bunny until he hops away into the woods. i run across the street to show the neighbors who are ducking on their front porch. i run upstairs to show their grandson the pictures. he is tucked into bed. i am wild and shaking with excitement. i tell him i am 45 yrs old and have NEVER seen anything like this in my life. i have pictures. we look at them, one by one. everyone is blank. a black picture. i say what? and Ronda chimes right in...see, i told you the real Easter Bunny, just like the real Santa can never be photographed. A moment that will be forever engraved in my head. i come home and realize i still have mascara all over my eyes. how embarrassing. more to add to the tale, or tail?

i am delayed in my annual Jesus Christ Superstar watching. But JCS 2000 is rocking now. I will have to go watch Simon on his song, just for Savannah. And of course, the famous duet with my girls. tried to find it on video. maybe only mom and dad have it. Donna emailed me today, remembering the girls singing Can We Start Again Please. And earlier I posted on a fb thread about it. it felt good to have Savannah remembered. will need to watch the first one next week. oh, and Savannah singing Harrod...'you are nothing but a frog'. my sweet little girl. and cassie was being nailed to the cross, Savannah covering her with red tissue paper (the blood). then yelling at her...'it is my turn to be Jesus nailed to the cross'. And Savannah stage setting. It would go on forever.

way delay, on to the first. been scanning and talking on the phone.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 7:53 PM CDT

Triggers

Emimem..Lose Yourself
Cassie put it on a new cd she made. she listened to it this morning. i was spun into the past. spun, i swear. i had chills up my spin that did not cease until the song did. multiple emotions flood. not the emotions themselves today, the memory of the emotions, the memory of the intensity of the emotions. thank God. How how how did we live? how did we give our children over to God? How did we survive? What have I done to survive? part of my core personality changed. that is supposed to be impossible, but it happened. or did it release what was always there? don't know, don't care. it is who i am and what i have become.

the song, the memories of emotion. pulled to the utmost extreme. terror, rage, and the purity of love.

"Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip? "
The last chance to embrace life and love. The life and love of your dying daughter.

"His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready "
Oh God, the faces I had to wear. in front of my children, coworkers, doctors, in front of life. so scared. breaking down. a constant.

"but he keeps on forgetting
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's choking how, everybody's joking now"
the world looking in at us. a circus creating empathy and sympathy. i am also dying. nothing comes out. i am imploding. i can't stop, but i must continue. no choice. i am not the issue. life became insanity. insanity was our life.

"The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality"
knowing any second will be the beginning of the end. the most can be written about this and therefore requires the least. knowing.

"This soul's escaping, through this hole that it's gaping "
no words

"No more games, I'ma change what you call rage
Tear this motherfucking roof off like two dogs caged
I was playing in the beginning, the mood all changed
I been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage
But I kept rhyming and stepwritin the next cypher
Best believe somebody's paying the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the
Fact that I can't get by with my nine to
Five and I can't provide the right type of life for my family
Cause man, these goddam food stamps don't buy diapers
And it's no movie, there's no Mekhi Phifer, this is my life
And these times are so hard and it's getting even harder
Trying to feed and water my seed, plus
Teeter totter caught up between being a father and a prima donna
Baby mama drama's screaming on and
Too much for me to wanna
Stay in one spot, another day of monotony
Has gotten me to the point, I'm like a snail
I've got to formulate a plot or end up in jail or shot
Success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not "
MY RAGE. even the part about welfare. how mortifying.

"(You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo)

You can do anything you set your mind to, man"
my escape. the only thing i could control when the world was spinning out of control and i had to remain sane not for me but for my two children. i did not have the option of f'n up. NOT an option. we MUST survive.

thanks to Emimem for saving my soul when it was being drug into death.

wow, never tore apart a song like that before here. the song combined the emotions of my struggle. and the artist allowed my rage to surface without taking it out on the world and allowed me to find my escape in new genres of music. my angry music.

Weird. i saw Laura at lunch. Yes, my Laura that drug my ass out to the clubs when the girls were with their daddy. My dance partner. Wonder if those at the club ever figured out the two of us were not a couple. well, the owners and workers knew, but the patrons, maybe not so much. i was so protected. they played music for me to 'lose myself' in the music by myself on the dance floor. no one to join me. alone to mourn in my own way. capture the moment of escape. then to work off steam, us girls. drunk white guys pissed me off. between Laura and the bouncers, i was better protected than a celebrity would have been. women and black guys i would dance with. they were the only respectable ones. i needed those days. i think back and i shock myself.

Laura looks good. She has filled out. I always thought her ribs showing was unattractive. women need to look like women. we need to have meat on our bones, we need to have curves. nothing was said about getting together. no need for bullshit. we won't. she needed to take me through my crap in order to help her get over her youngest dying. i needed her manditory escape she forced on me. i will always be grateful. i could never speak of Savannah in front of her. She had little to do with my kids. that was other friends. she was escape. funny, i just reread and it sounded like we had something going on. we never did.

this song has gone thru my head all day. the memory of intense emotions, all day. none of the emotions encapsulated me. i was fine and still am. not quite looking from the outside in but somewhat. is that called time or healing?

I think i did it right. i hope i captured the moment? I hope i captured the majority of them. i hope Savannah saw she was given the world, as much as I could. I hope she knows she was loved so intensely. I hope she knows I would have gladly traded places with her. What an easy thing that would have been to do!

that reminds me...dig here. i said that to her father. he said...why would i want to trade places with her? i don't want to die. that is stupid. agh. two very wrong things i see with those statements. can you even call yourself a parent if you wouldn't hesitate to die in place of your child? and i am NOT stupid in my emotions with my children. what a blessing he attacked me in front of the girls. and then the next morning said he got out the shotgun and almost ended it. OUT OF THERE. thank you God for finally giving me the strength to leave. Thank you. because unbeknownst to me i was about to embark on a journey i never wanted.

enough. i want music

Sunday, March 28, 2010 8:35 PM CDT

i cried a bit, not what i set out to do. i gave it my best. however, it hindered me not. Cassandra and I had a marvelous time. I felt tingly when she was just talking and laughing with Theresa and Becca about being kids together. She talked about it with Savannah included. no pain, just growing up memories. i just listened. you hear so much. hhhhmmmmm. I smile.

Cassie got to hang out with teenagers. and i got to hang out with...later. it was perfect. all the way around.

Cassie embarrassed me relentlessly. She is her momma's daughter. I watched other interactions. I really do allow much more than most parents. She does get out of line, but then again, we are so close. Which is better? This is not the parent/child relationship I grew up with. I don't think it is because I baby her because she is living child. ah, maybe. but would i have been different with two living children? probably. but, I love this. I love this tightness between us.

i felt her a bit. it was good. no sadness.

what i found interesting is that Cassie is very much like me NOW, not the way I used to be. She is still just barely 15 and has the innocence that goes with age. I was so awkward up until 8 or 9 yrs ago and still have my moments.

The first stop was Kim's. TFG created an impromptu party. Cassie got to meet part of the GDI gang and they, her. it was good. Plus, I got to spend more time with John. it feels good to smile.

Eric, ah my Eric, my closest friend. We all got to spend the day at the botanical gardens. We hadn't been there in years.

On to Patty's. My girls. they grew up together. i feel in a way, they belong to me. a part of them do. I was sitting in the kitchen with Patty. Theresa and Cassie walked in. I flash backed. They were crawling in her kitchen to us. And now these teenagers walked in. 14 yrs later. My breath was taken away. I thank my youngest for giving me the gift of sight and realization. She should have been there, but alas, there were other plans which we had no control over.

Then my incredible evening with just John. No awkward moments. It is amazing how many friends and acquaintances we have in common. It really did feel natural. I can't believe I actually talked as much as I did. I am usually so reserved. I talk when I am uncomfortable, but it was not like that. i am scared due to my scars. but, we all have scars. i wouldn't want anyone that hasn't had a broken heart, suffered tragedy and loss. those people know how to love if they have been hurt. i am just the poster child.

Monday, March 22, 2010 8:06 PM CDT

March 22nd 2004.
mom just got back into town. heck, we just got back into town from the STL run. i went to work. i get a call before 8am. come home. Savannah is unresponsive. i go to call Jerry and remember...he let his aunt borrow his cell phone. i have to find him. now. i am on the verge of panicing. i drive to find him, not to go home. it wasn't that i was running. it was that Savannah needed him. but he wasn't there. they sent him elsewhere.

mom calls again. i must go to my daughter. she was completely unresponsive. eyes wide open. i can't remember what happened until Jerry came in. he scooped her up and put her in the car, her head on my lap. was this the end?

Jerry started to carry her enormous tiny frame dead weight stiff as a board into the er. they rush out and meet us and rush us into a room. i remember thinking, i will have to be the dr. i don't want to. it is wrong. the poor dr doesn't have a clue. handle it, i kept telling myself. the dr in there immediately. checks her out. i am holding her now in a sitting position. he tells me she is blind. i tell him she is not. he says her eyes are unresponsive to light. i scream inside. it is not his fault. her brain stem is exploding. she can see. her brain stem will not allow her to respond. he says she had a stroke.

he wants to admit her or send her to ACH. in an instant, i made a decision. ENOUGH. call ACH. NOW, get Dr. Becton on the phone, now! he is in clinic. NOW. i freaked this dr out so much, he wouldn't let me talk to him. ambulance to ACH. for what, I said. what are they going to do? steroids? ask, NOW. yes, Ms. Hurley. NO more steroids. But, but...NO. get Dr. Becton back on the phone. then...what do you want Ms. Hurley? the life and death question. it was mine. i was holding my dying child. she had her first brain hemmorage in her brain stem. Hospice, I want to take my daughter home. I made the decision to allow my daughter to die. she had asked me to take her port out. she wanted no more chemo. Baby, I will give that to you. I made the best decision. I made the right decision. And it was MINE to make. I brought her into this world. I had to face it head on knowing that i was going to be forever damaged, but it wasn't about me. It was about what was best for my daughter.

Dr. Becton talked to the ER dr. He wrote a script for hospice and released us. It was 10am when Savannah Phoenix became a hospice patient. We took our baby home. By the afternoon my home was swirling with medical equipment, nurses, and technicians. i couldn't even be with my child. i had to learn how to use suction machines, a hospital bed, an oxygen machine. So WRONG. Her dad was there. it was surreal.

I cannot comprehend how I lived this? how did we all do this?

night. she started having a seizure. it wouldn't stop. hours it continued. i wanted Savannah to die. I begged God to let her die. I released her. She wouldn't die. how can a mother watch her child suffer like that? it would stop and start again. her brain stem was rupturing. seizures last minutes not hours. hers were hours.

Jerry sat on the floor. Savannah was laying on the sofa, her head and torso in my lap. she wouldn't stop seizing. i can feel it. Jerry started sketching the unicorn tattoo for her. The one she asked for two days ago. It still sits framed on one of my shelves. The hospice nurse doubted she would live through the night with the trauma she was enduring. Elaine, her nurse was magnificent. Many hospice nurses will not take on pedis.

I think I need to take myself down. Cassie is not here. I am alone. I need to dive into a cave so I can function tomorrow. I want a new spirit this week and to do that i need to sink. I am glad I allow myself that. No phone calls please.
--------------------------------------------------------addendum
i can't get there. i went through both photo albums. how everything is well documented. would make a normal person cry and go into flight. i smiled. added nickelback. if today was your last day. i just danced with Conner. now three glasses of wine. still nothing. i want to and need to cry. amy, of course.
i cannot stand not being in control of myself. i need to break. i don't want my crap to interfere with this week. let her voice take over. i have to keep trying. oh, the haunting lyrics. The voice Savannah loved. i feel it. on the edge. break, damn it. i need to live.

i will f' this one up. i scare men. i always have. this means so much to me. i can't stop smiling. my independence and fierceness scares them all. yet, i am so gentle and compassionate. Personally, i don't get it. But my brother has told me I am the most intimidating of all women. self sufficient and smart. a few other things that would sound vain. almost. almost got there. amy keep singing. i remember Jerry picking me off the floor and walking me to bed. tears streaming. him dressing me for bed because i could not, tucking me in. God how I loved that man. And as i began to stabilize, he unraveled. what a cruel joke on all of us mental illness can be. i didn't have time to stand on my own when i was fearing for Cassie's life and my own by his actions. he didn't have the guts to end it for himself, he had to drag a little girl down that lost her sister and best friend. I hate Jerry for that. but i also love him for being our angel. damn this mental illness shit. 'i'm bleeding' , thank you Amy. Maybe finally.

Monday, March 15, 2010 9:06 PM CDT

102nd Best Ever. and it was. may have been my best ever, even though i was kind of puny.

i have been so scared. it was so wonderful. my friends. my past. who know, my beginnings. remember the blank rune.

it started out getting totally messed up. I have been living the saying...when your are given lemons, make lemonade. it worked. i was never even upset. i thought, it just isn't in the cards. i was disappointed. many were disappointed. because of thur night, i suffered for the rest of the weekend. oh well, i got to know another new absolutely terrific friend.

still, i can't stop smiling, on so many levels it was wonderful. because of the crazy thur night, i was upgraded to a suite. i am sure the whispers began on my intentions.

I gave up my routine. But I was not the only one. it was a blend and it meant so much to me.

i want to write deep, but it is just light and airy. don't want deep just now. just the happiness and peace of new friends, all of us with the history, the bonding, of UMR.

Cassie is demanding my time.
---------------------------------------

March 16th

I read an article on the web today about a woman that vanished during a manic episode. They found her body. Her family described her manic episodes. It sent chills up my back. It was just like Jerry. The stopping of the drugs. The spiraling into delusions. The taking off. I could fill in the blanks on the rest of went down, I bet.

I wish him the best. I will always love him for what he did for us during our time of crisis. And I will NEVER live like that again.

To drastically change the subject, Cass and I were in Walmart. She was telling me they had to read the poem McCavity in english. She said she sang it in her head the whole time. Figures. Then she started dancing like in Cats. reaches out and pokes Savannah on my arm. She is smiling and dancing around and does it again. Oh, the two of them, okay the three of us dancing to that song. She was remembering her little sister in a good way and had to touch her. I just smiled. Never said anything to her. It would have ruined the moment.

Hospice time draws near. I am distracted at the moment, and therefore, not in pain. We all know this can change in the blink of an eye. This season lasts thru May.

Cassie is going to keep me busy for the next month. Next week is spring break. I am thinking about going up to STL midweek. We cannot find a proper dress for her Confirmation. Plus it is always good to go see friends.
----------------------------------------
March 17th

3 days in a row. wow. have been drooling for three hours watching Criminal Minds. Smart just outweighed daddy on hottness scale. Go figure, age. Guess that is what happens when your children are about grown.

Music going. 'I am the eye in the sky'. Alright. was noticing in my living room...i should have been a shrink. I missed my calling. all the pictures are of the girls as babies, infants, and toddlers. Then it ends. Have I made my living room an alter? Not ONE of Cassie as she is today. Not ONE. They cover the other rooms. The livingroom is untouched. My children, together, before darkness overcame us. Oh my, Moody Blues, tears, 'darker days are drawing near...now you're not here.' need a break to cry. okay. 'my life will be forever autumn, 'cause you're not here'. better. i wanted to proceed with life. i didn't want the overshadowing to interfere. and therefore, crap...what have I done? I always told myself I would never do this. I have. never noticed until tonight. God, I need help. Or do I? Maybe I am completely sane in my actions. Who knows? Who is to say? Certainly not me. Todd is singing now. Sounds good.

how did it get to be after 10?

'so many people in the same device. nice. nice very nice.'

Savannah, you gave me strength tonight.

great, now 'the white bird just sits in her cage...white bird must fly or she will die.'

need to finish my cd and write later. lost my ability to concentrate.

Happy St. Pat's.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010 7:19 PM CST

March 9th 1997.

I was off of 3 months of bed rest. I was in nesting mode. I was able to finally spend some time with my hyperactive 2 yr old. I was sitting at the Fisher Price baby table with her licking stickers. I was sitting on the corner because I thought me plus baby might break it. I felt this grating. A minute later contraction. First thought, another premie. Second thought, oh crap, i am in labor. Third thought, it is real, not in my back.

Got up. sure enough, in labor. can't keep the premie from coming but she will be fine. called my neighbor to watch the munchkin. not home. got the car packed. still not home. i am getting panicy. 35 minutes into it and the contractions are 1 1/2 minutes apart. I am getting scared, terrified (except I didn't know the true meaning of that yet). we just leave little bouncing off the walls Cassie with the neighbor boy. we were off. oh shit, i thought i was going to drop the child in the 4 minute drive to the hospital.

Mark dropped me off at the entrance of the hospital. it seemed like an eternity for him to get back to me. i was ushered to the maternity ward. I remember saying...I am Lisa Hurley. I am having a baby...NOW. Oh yeah, we have been expecting you, but not for a few weeks.

I am ushered to a suite. the nurse hands me a gown and tells me to put it on in the bathroom. except i can't. the contractions are now riding each other. i have 5 seconds to take a breath. i just open the doors in tears and say i can't. Mark and the nurse help me and help me lay down. another girl comes in to check me. The nurse says how far along is she? the LPN says, i can't tell. I have the baby's head in my hand.

Shit hit the fan. running around and yelling and holding the baby in. and no drugs for me. no time. she wanted to breath air.

Savannah Phoenix or Madison Taylor came into this world on March 9th 1997. Mark chose the name when he saw her. He chose well.

Savannah Phoenix took her last breath and her heart stopped beating at 12:10am on April 30th 2004.

Baby in heaven, today you would have become a teenager. I love you. I will always love you. You will always be a part of me. I gave you life and released you to the angels. I can hear in my mind, your little pip squeak voice. I cry tonight for my loss. For my longing.

Tomorrow there will be a sunrise. I will see it. Cassie will see it. I hope you look down from heaven and see it.

I want to write and Cassie is all about herself and says i have to do stuff i don't want to (for her of course because she has been blowing this off for a month and time has run out). now i need to rescue her. i have a sinus infection that hurts so bad i want to pull mt upper teeth out. she wants me to sew. and i am being dramatic. Savannah, I need need prayers. Cassie says i don't need prayers, i just need to get motivated. God, what a little bitch she has become. I will insist once more of changing my name to slave.

Saturday, March 6, 2010 4:39 PM CST

During the Three Days Grace concert last night I realized I need to start unloading my baggage from my second marriage. I latched on to this band with regards to my marriage to Jerry.

I need to start first with his mental illness. The crisis that we Hurley girls were in, created a stability for him. A higher purpose. He actually was able to function normal for the first time since he was 14. He shined in crisis. When the crisis was over, he tried to maintain sanity. He did his best, but he was scared. Eventually, the mania set in little by little until it consumed us all. It got to the point that I never knew what person would walk through the door. Then it became something i couldn't understand. If I said it is a sunny day, i said something wrong and the fight was on. I would walk away and he would follow and not stop. welcome to the world of mania.

I’ll be coming home
Just to be alone
Cause I know you’re not there
And I know that you don’t care
I can hardly wait to leave this place

No matter how hard I try
You’re never satisfied
This is not a home
I think I’m better off alone
You always disappear
Even when you’re here
This is not my home
I think I’m better off alone
Home, home, this house is not a
Home, home, this house is not a home

By the time you come home
I’m already stoned
You turn off the TV
And you scream at me
I can hardly wait
Till you get off my case

No matter how hard I try
You’re never satisfied
This is not a home
I think I’m better off alone
You always disappear
Even when you’re here
This is not my home
I think I’m better off alone
Home, home, this house is not a
Home, home, this house is not a

Home, home, this house is not a
Home, home, this house is not a home

I’m better off alone

No matter how hard I try
You’re never satisfied
This is not a home
I think I’m better off alone
You always disappear
Even when you’re here
This is not my home
I think I’m better off alone
Home, home, this house is not a
Home, home, this house is not a

Home, home, this house is not a
Home, home, this house is not a home

3 Days Grace

There was nothing I could say. He could not help it. I could not help him. I failed once more. I failed my husband, but I can't cure cancer and I can't cure a mental disorder. The delusions, the compulsive lying.

Enough for right now. This is painful. Company coming and I want to enjoy the beautiful day on the gazebo.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010 5:44 PM CST

Happy Birthday Cassandra! Big 15. Sigh, she won't even be home tonight. She graduated to the senior high basketball team. Tonight they are 3 1/2 hours away at the state tournament. She will come home around 1 am. Don't really care for this, but at least the school does not want them there tomorrow until 9:45am. That put a kink in my schedule. I had a 9:30am pre-construction meeting with the state. Luckily, I got the contractor to agree to go for me. Ah, love my job and the people I work for and with. I did bring a pile of work home with me, so I can get all my time in. They always get the plus some, but if they can bend to my hectic schedule then I see nothing wrong than giving them more as well.

15. I could never even imagine having children. I am going to brag. She is smart, cares about others unless they are idiots, has common sense (which I thought she would never have), is a team player and can accomplish on her own as well, is witty, is beautiful, can dance, and has a head on her shoulder. She also has become a slob and self centered. I suppose that makes her NORMAL! I have had so many people say I am too easy on her. Hogwash! She is normal. What a gift. After illness, death, and witnessing the devasting effects on individuals and families, I count my blessings. She says we bicker. We do. I end up yelling. She ends up yelling FINE. Then 10 minutes later, we are jammin in the car to her music. Oh man, this morning, she turned on Hinder as I was pulling onto I40. She is belting out 'Get stoned'. I say, great, I am driving you to school, you are singing about smoking pot. She says, Yeah on my birthday, too. It was just funny.

Marcy's Playground was very good. They seem like they should play in coffee shops. someone then told me they think they are from Seattle. i really should check that out. probably won't bother. i was so careful not to send any mixed signals to Fred since we went together. he made a comment to me earlier in the week that he told some college student he was going to the concert with his girlfriend. i said nothing. shock. but then i figured it was just storytelling time for Fred. i wasn't impressed. Look, he is a good guy, just NOT for me. But i have never wavered on that.

my blues seem to have lifted momentarily. today is Cassie's birthday. That means a week from today is Savannah's birthday. Cassie and I should do something fun, something to remember her by. maybe home movie's or get a bunch of stickers. in the past, we sometimes found a worthy cause. This year, I want to be selfish. I think Cassie and I both need a bit of that. After the Christmas fiasco, when it was put to my face, I give others more than I do Cassie. Time to focus on her. Lord knows, my life revolves around her as it is.

The Three Days Grace concert is on Friday. I love that band. They got me through the downfall of my marriage. This will be my second time to see them and Breaking Benjamin. My first for Flyleaf. i will see Breaking Benjamin again in May when I go to IN to see Nickelback. That will be the 4th time for Chad and company. And to think i missed them when they played in Russellville. i tell ya, Little Rock loves their alternative music.

I am having breast issues again. Same as last year. The Vit E and Borage oil got them back to normal, but now they are filling with thousands of cysts again. They are uncomfortable and I get sudden twinges of pain. They are big and full. Looks great. The let down sensation hasn't begun yet. I even wore a sports bra today to squish them down. this premenopause sucks. i had an offer of massaging them to break down the cysts to give me relief. hahahaha. if that only would work, but i doubt it. but it was cute and i took no offense to it. boys will be boys. so, I go back to the breast specialist in 6 weeks. damn, i hope i don't have to get new bras before then. i want my 45yr old used up saggy boobies back. i earned them.

My big event...UMR (MST now) in 10 daze. St. Pat's 102 (I think) Best Ever. Time to get my blue GDI governors jacket out to mix among the green board rep jackets and green everything else. I have been wearing my multitude of St Pat's sweatshirts. I even keep them in my nightstand, there very own place. Now how retarded is that? my friend Lisa came over the other night and brought me beads with a shotglass. Oh yeah, the weekend for overinduldgence. actually, i talk big, but don't ever get there. i just get too tired to continue. i am old and i suck. but i will be back with the GDI alums and cannot wait. i am still scared, but will deal with it. i am a big girl and have big shoulders. Oh and thanks for the words on encouragement. i did not expect that at all. We all have our insecurities. I am like no other person. You guys are the best. I am so glad I have the majority of you on facebook now, so we can do something other than grief.

with that, time to break out my work.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010 9:03 PM CST

don't know if tonite will be short or long. cass is in the shower. i can barely keep my eyes open.

i am scared. it is those jitters of a possible new relationship. stupid, i know. but one thing i learned from this whole experience with Savannah, take a chance on life. you Never know if you will miss the best thing ever. you must take a chance. then all my insecurities come crashing down around me. the what if's pile up. all the girlie crap that is not really in my nature comes out at the most inopportune time. but i still am not going to eat a snail.

i am scared because this could be good and i don't want to mess it up. but then, i know i am damaged, i know who i am, and if he can't take it, then fine, move on. so i actually give a crap.

Drowning Pool was incredible. When the sirens went off at the beginning of soldiers, i stood and yelled...ON YOUR FEET, WHOSE WITH ME? and those that i was with said What? lyrics!!!so Whoop ass, this is for the Soldiers. oh, they were incredible. shivers up and down my spine. thinking...Savannah you here? you hear this anthem for your soldiers? my baby always wanted to kick ass. when she couldn't, she went to the soldiers. for her my dedication?

got an e-mail from my little brother today. he is safe and in a holding pattern. it is a cluster in afganistan and i need the Soldiers to protect him. so again, whoop ass, this is for the soldiers.

remembering back to when i was a teenager. the first sexual harassment i ever experienced in my life was military. i managed to escape that with my virtue intact, but it literally made me sick on a daily basis, and it has forever haunted me. i hated the military. HATED everything they stood for. I took ROTC for 4 semesters in college because I knew it was wrong to base my impression on one bad apple. but it wasn't until Savannah, that I did a 180 in the most simplistic form, and it brought me to where i am today. i admit, i had tears on my cheek during a head banging concert. i admit it. if my child loved them, so do I. and I am not ashamed.

still scared though. may not work. i understand that. but it may.who the hell knows? don't throw it away Lisa. i know nothing. i am not expecting anything. i really don't want anything. i am really going way out of my comfort zone.

Friday, February 12, 2010 8:48 PM CST

thought about the damn suppositories I had made for Savannah when she no longer could swallow. the freakin' steroids. cold turkey would have killed her. It took little Sydney. damn. it really sucks. was thinking, back then, i just went with the flow. just reacted. the most atrocious things we parents, kids, siblings, family, and friends had to endure. So much more than anyone that did not live it just CANNOT comprehend. stuff we didn't talk about. stuff it is taking years to talk about. My poor child. how humiliating when i had give them to her. oh, i can see her face...no mommy. but I have to. i could not tell her she would die if i didn't do it. maybe this isn't a good time to write. this is really f'n with me. damn, where did the tears come from? well, that is what ultimately happened. i fell asleep. i wrote about this before. just hitting me tonight. must be getting close to time with this trigger brain of mine. oh to be a guy and retreat to my empty box. what a gift.

Jerry called me today. Just to say hi. didn't really say anything, but I think it is just the time of the year. I bet i start hearing from him more.

After i hung up with him, i was remembering her final weeks before the brain hemmorages began. it was her spring break. she wanted to go somewhere. she was damn near wheel chair bound. she asked to go to St. Louis. So we loaded up and went. coming up to Rolla, I asked...do you want to get dinner at my favorite pizza place in the whole world? yeah!!!! what do you expect form a steroided out girl? made the choice easy for me. what I had lost my mind about was that it was St Pat's weekend. i was so wrapped up in us and dinner, NEVER noticed. well, the geek i am was wearing one just because it is my normal wardrobe. i remember turning around to Dana and Eric and for a split second just went blank, except not blank at all. what are they doing here? all the GDI alum in the back and my family and dying child right in the front. how the hell did i miss that? Eric talked me into staying the night and bypassed his activities to hang with us. awwwweeee. God i have the best friends. one week later, she stared majorly stroking out. Oh the gifts God gave us in those times. They were dumped on us. And I recognized them. just think how many I must have missed because I was so focused. The whole trip was incredible. maybe that all came because i can barely contain my wanting to go to St pat's this yr.

phone ringing. gotta go. figures
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today is Savannah's personal assistants birthday. We love you Susan.

freaked poor Bobbi out with the last post. love ya girl. the tears leave just as they come, out of nowhere, i have time to thank for that.

Fred called last night. asked if he could ride with us to the drowning pool concert. this will give the office a bit of drama. he gives us the best stories. of course i said yes. after all, who else could enjoy Marcy's Playground with me. I WILL NOT do this crap again. I cannot be responsible for not reciprocating feelings. I was always honest. However, I did NOT offer to have him come over and hang out last night, nor did I tonight. He came by and picked up his cooker. I am so proud of myself. It was so laid out and I just didn't do it!

I just have to do this right. it is time. I may very well be crushed and hurt. But God knows, I have broad shoulders.

when it comes down to it, i am the crazy bitch that lost her daughter. that is true. I am also stable, loving, committed, okay, still the nut in the bunch.

feelin better tonight. jammin to nickelback. looking forward to see them again in IN. not sure how i am going to be able to contain dancing to a seat. sure i could do it. this will be the second time on this tour i have seen them. can't wait
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Feb 15th
listening to Drowning Pool and believe it or not reading old journal entries. reading this when 'Soldiers' came on...so...
Sunday, July 4, 2004 8:09 PM CDT

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

My angel's favorite holiday of the whole year. She was such a patriot. Believed in the USA. Believed the USA was blessed and therefore had a responsibility.

Savannah believed sometimes war was necessary. I remember she thought it was bad...period until the week before we were at her maw trip. The news just released the story of the prison filled with children had been freed. I never really allowed news too much after diagnosis. We had enough tragedy in out house. Don't know how this one we watched...BUT it forever changed her life. She said...mommy, we have to go to war. I know men will die. But it is our responsibility to save the children in the world from bad people. We fought for freedom and got it. Lots of people died. but we have to continue. (now, I am floored...at this time she just turned six) Yes, Savannah really talked like this. Understanding my losses already, I saw she understood so much more than I did. She was right. And because of that some of my views have softened. Children can see without the blinders of adulthood. They see clearly and purely. I have had people tell me, what does a child know? They think with a child's mind. Duh, how much closer to God and the truth can that be? Well, didn't mean to go off on a tangent...just a memory.

Happy 4th! Celebrate our independence. The most wonderful country in the world. Happy Birthday United States of America. Your greatest supporter now overlooks this great country from heaven.

We made it home. I will update later. All good with fun stories to share.

okay...she loved the soldiers. they were our saviors. oh, i had to have talks with her over some statements. i remember seeing Drowning Pool for the first time at the 10yr anniversary bash for Corey and Jay. I was floored with their intense support for the soldiers. it pulled me to Savannah and to the band. This Sunday nite, I have the honor of watching Drowning Pool perform, my third time. I cannot wait. For some reason I am drawn again to reconnect with my past. Would Savannah have changed her opinion by now? She was such a wild card. I could see the tree hugger in her and yet she became basic, grass roots. my girls didn't get political views from me. this was their choice.

oh who knows, maybe not. I remember her being PROUD to eat Bambi and Bambi's mom. Yeah, PETA sucks. someone who thinks a tree is more important than a child needs NOT to reproduce. guess this is me now. Do they get utter anguish over a death of a loved one? or just a baby seal? so shallow. i will get off my bandwagon.

Cassie is staying with her dad tonight. late practice. BUT her first practice on the Sacred Heart Rebels Senior High girls basketball team. Go baby.

Finally got her ACT registration in for April. I am excited to see how she does since the last time she took it was in the 7th grade. but, i am jumping the gun.

i had a strange weekend. I really think Fred is trying to get back into my life. WHY? WHY? would he bring me flowers on Valentine's Day? Does not compute. Men are normally simple creatures. Am I reading too much? when I made it simple, he got all womany on me. I won't even invite him over. no more hanging out. somehow, i gave him the wrong impression. what the hell is it with men, or what the hell is it with me? They won't leave. this has got to be for another nite. drama drama drama. tired of it. i need to do what is right for me and Cassie.

Monday, February 8, 2010 6:46 PM CST

Cassie did something last night that bumfuzzled me. Upon retiring for the night, she wanted to look at pictures. family photo albums. We went though three. it took a while. She commented, why did i quit taking pictures? digital age? loss of interest after Savannah died? marriage spiraling out of control and not wanting reminders? I just don't know which it was, or if it was a mixture. Anyway, it was good. my little girls, my baby girls, better times in some aspects, painful memories in other aspects. didn't get to post diagnosis. We talked about growing up and talked about Savannah. I wonder if she realizes we are going into hospise/death season. Or if she was just thinking about her sister. or even if it just gave her comfort because she had a bad day. A way to go back when mommy and daddy could fix everything. whatever the reason, it was good.

Talked to Jerry for a long time this afternoon. He is doing okay. It was good to talk to him. He sounded stable. That is soooo what I want for him. We laughed, oh God we laughed. I will share. He stated, after spending the last couple days in Shreveport, he prefers not being around people. I say...I understand, the majority of people are crazy and not worth your time. Which started the laughter on his end. Oh, my papered crazy ex-husband. Yeah, laugh at me baby, I deserve it. We still talk which means he still hasn't pulled me into a delusion. I dread the day. I will lose my angel for good. He has managed to keep me out of his swings. I will never take that away from him.

Life continues at the Hurley Girl abode. We are struggling, but isn't life a struggle? So we move on, day by day, month by month. No true life goals anymore. Just what I call survival. It's not really. Its goal oriented survival.

I drew my runes last week. It caught me off guard so much, except it was everything I already knew. BUT, it still was a drawing that freaked me out. I had a friend, also read it for me several days later. It talked about rebirth, and that I may miss something good. with the conclusion of the blank rune. i freaked fist. oh, the thought and prayers i put into this. Like I said, it was everything i knew. a crossroads. a time to put the past behind me. if i don't i may miss something good. I may have to pursue this and may be hurt. But it is time. the blank pulls everything together. The stone of end and beginning. The 'Phoenix' rising from the ashes. That is probably what got me. My Savannah Phoenix. I decided maybe loosing Fred as a friend is in my best interest. I need to quit hurting. Loosing someone in my life that expected something more than i can give? You can't make the shit up. I am so tired of people wanting do dig their claws in. I tried the friend thing. it ended up in a mess. Just need to stay alone. The drawing wasn't even about him. That was the simplistic version. Especially, from a good Catholic girl. hahahaha. I miss him. I miss just hanging out. If i go on any further, it will sound like i am trashing him and I just won't do that on a permanent record. He did well by us and was compensated greatly. time to leave it.

almost got on a political note but backed off. getting really tired of the republican phone polls. how do i get on these lists? all i will say.

looks like tomorrow is another snowed/iced in day. Have deer steak out for a stew. cold housebound weather is good cooking weather. time to fill the deep freezer. I love to cook. cass loves to cook. we will have a busy day.

I recognize the depression setting in. it is a bit early this year. It was a bit early diagnosis season, also. in and out, in and out, mild form. i need to cry. i miss her. Cassie keeps going though, just life, that Savannah should be right behind. maybe that is it. just don't know. guess this will never stop. only be easier some years or some seasons. don't think i am a nut job. just hope that , i DO love with all my being, and with it comes risk and possible heartache. I am the poster child.

i dreamed about her last week. skinny Savannah. non cancer Savannah. Can't remember it now, but i do remember it was not painful. i LIVE for any dream of her, painful or not. funny, how i remembered the painful one.

Sleep well.

Sunday, January 31, 2010 8:04 PM CST

Honestly, sometimes i just don't know what is wrong with me?

A week ago Fred informs me the only reason he drives the kids to school is because he loves me. Long story short, I don't give him a handout for someone else. He had a few choice words to say about me helping others. And them the bomb. I am not driving anymore. I say nothing other than okay. I am all about me. I don't understand any of this. I thought we were friends. When and where did this change. not in my mind. He committed to both families. I know, just a true sign of character. This was to his benefit which he just destroyed. Well, within 36 hours Tami pulled all four of her kids out of school. That leaves just me and Cassie. Two 60 mile trips per day. What am I going to do? I will cope. I have to deal with this.

Poor Fred. I am so very sorry to lose a friend this way. I just have nothing to offer him. We were never compatible. That is why it had to remain friends. It is on him. It hurts me, too. Because somewhere along the way, he got different feeling that I couldn't match. I was always honest with him. And always fair. Never once did he work on my house without being paid. I am anal that way. That probably hurt him too, but when you don't see a life with someone, why pretend?

Then those poor kids we took to and from school. Crap, the mother won't do anything to better her life, blamed everyone else. I get so tired. But what Fred never could understand, probably because he never had kids, was that it was never about her. It was always about those kids. There home life was shit. The only stability they had was their school. It made Cassie a survivor. I tried. God knows I tried helping them three years ago. The school probably thinks I am a bad person for not helping her out as of late. I told her...if you EVER get a DUI, I can not help you anymore. She swore she never ever did that. I was such a bad person for thinking she would ever do anything like that. Right. 5 days later. hence, between the fines, totaled car, blow thing to start the car...here we are. And she still didn't have a problem, nothing was her fault. Christmas comes, she is telling me how she may not be able to pay her house note...just in conversation because i asked how things were going. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I adopted them though Kiwanis and told her this will enable her to pay her mortgage. Cassie was mad because the kids got more than she ever did. This is true. Made me do a lot of soul searching. The whole experience was painful. I knew in my heart something was wrong. I wanted Kiwanis to shut me down. They didn't. I proceeded. Cassie, under duress proceeded. She never shopped for angel tree kids under duress.

Before school resumed, the mom called and in passing told me she hadn't paid mortgage in three months. Half of what I spent on them can out of my own pocket, not on my own child. Oh, how I was hurt. and damn it I knew it. But the kids. Would they have gone without? Don't know. Maybe they were having a blowout Christmas knowing she was going to do this. Don't know. Don't really care. It just hurts. And Fred ground in that wound. Through it back at me. But now one child may not get Confirmed in April and another may not make his First Communion. That is all I wanted for them. It is painful enough to get screwed over. What kind of friend rubs it in your face? Fred wanted to be a savior to these people, but damn it not with my stuff.

I lost a hanging out buddy, a concert going buddy, a good time buddy. It just needs to be okay. I think it hurts because I don't know how I caused this? I had to have done something. I was always honest and up front. I keep telling myself his loss.

I think tonight was just a blog about me. Just needed to vent. Hurt and scared. But I am a big girl. I have lived thru worse.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010 7:51 PM CST

January 30th
i had a night to myself. scanned and added several of the multitude of pictures i have of Savannah's life to fb. It was wonderful. So sad, but so happy. I started listening to Nickelback since I am road tripping to IN in May to see them. I got stuck on the song posted on her front page. Oh my God, I have been living this song for the last 5 plus years. Every line impacts me. It is eerie. Freaks me out. I have no regrets. how could I? To see life the way I do, you have to have see death. And death is a part of life. Death makes life brilliant. you can see thru bullshit. you can see. you can see. you become so aware. you can love to a depth that you didn't see possible. not talking about a guy, just love your friends and family.

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i still can't bring myself to change pictures. they are perfect. maybe Cassie's, but I like it still.

i really have been fine. the last post was happy. it took extreme sadness, but I WAS happy. The tears were happy. I was sad, but SO happy. I can't deny the sadness. I looked for my black polish. Couldn't find it. My nails are brown. But I tore the house apart. I needed black. Bit of depression, I guess. It is okay. It makes me normal. It makes me a mother. It makes me a loving person. It makes me, stable. Recognize and cope.

Work has been busting my butt. Put a huge job out to bid. knew something was wrong. couldn't pinpoint it. delayed. couldn't find it. it WAS there. computer glitch, but I had convinced myself I had screwed up something, missed it, and deleted my error. oh no. same thing happened to a coworker. he caught his. mine went to the top, only to come crashing back on me. i had to start from scratch. it is done and off my desk. NOW what Lisa wants, is to master the bidding process. No more errors. No room for errors. I WILL master it. I must, for me. give me half a dozen, and I will perfect it. I will postpone the ISP stuff for now. I have the NEED to master and control. this went to the top with MY NAME. I need to rectify this.

Ha, I can be my own shrink on the last junk I just wrote. I am hurting now. Missing my baby and alone. Questioning everything, questioning nothing.

I do believe I was chosen. I don't believe it has made me stronger. It has wrecked me. But I am aware. This experience (and oh, that sounds so f'd up calling my child dying an experience), this experience has increased my desire to help, to reach out. nine times out of ten, i am so screwed and have to deal with it. But I feel I miss what is in my face. it has also given me tunnel vision.

Cassie's Confirmation is in April. To us Catholic's, this is a Sacrament. Baptism is shortly after birth. Baptism is required to get to Heaven. If death should happen before the age of acceptance...our children are covered due to a promise from Godparents and parents. Confirmation is just what it says...a Confirmation of Life with Christ. This is a monumental step in their young lives. Cassie asked me to return to church. I will.

I don't like our local priest. He makes one feel bad. We are NEVER good enough. I am humble. I have my moments. But I get tired of this bashing. I want to feel good, I want to feel God, he chose too take my daughter from me, I have need to feel God in a good way. Not that...if I am not in church...well, you don't know when he will take your child? WTF? I did everything right. Is he, along with some of the other nut jobs, telling me, I failed? RU F'ing kidding me? NO. No. NO. God, gave me a brain to see through this crap.

I love mass. I go to mass when I am out of town. I watch it on tv sometimes. Okay, my parents church I banned after the last homily I attended. Father's Day, and all the old man talked about was how spoiled young people were. What about the teens that spend their vacations on missions, what about the kids that visit nursing homes, what about those that adopt a destitute family at Christmas? Basically, what about me? I still try. Damn it. God still took my daughter, and I still try. I still reach out, constantly. And NOTHING is good enough. I don't NEED this crap, yet I am sooooo Catholic. I CAN do what my faith taught me without a man bashing me that I am a failure. I am sick of it. Is bashing good? Apparently, my parents like it. Makes them feel superior. oh shit, that was bad. But I am keeping it. I guess that is who Fr. Bill wants in his flock. Well, I struggle. I really thought that was the whole point. But I guess I missed the boat with him. I want my religion back. I really do.

Except last nite Cassie and I were in bed and talking about Confirmation...she says to me that I don't live a Catholic life. What? I wanted to attack back, but I had to think. We are taught, the basic obligation to to attend mass. I don't. Read above. But I DO live the life. But it is taught, THAT does not count unless the basic is covered. God and I are fine. He took my child. He stole her from me. I am good with this. DON'T question me. I do not want to have to question my belief.

Yesterday evening, I went to Sacred Heart with another mother. She asked if her children could stay here while we went. She showed up late to pick her kids up to take them home to feed them. and wouldn't leave. finally, i said, would you like me to feed your kids? she doesn't have money for fast food. Cassie was pissed. I scrounged and got them all fed with leftovers (except Cassie says leftovers tastes better and would rather eat them) and we plan it that way. So this became a big deal. I knew I was being used. I did it anyway. The children needed to be cared for. The mother said, don't you have any snack food for them. NO, Cassie and my snack food is like asiago cheese, or feta on some hard crusted bread. nothing a six yr old would like. Okay, whole thing...total inconvenience. Cassie wanted me to boot their asses. They are not our responsibility. What is Christ like? Going to church of living it? In your face little one. or maybe in my face. I still fail because I don't allow myself to get bashed every Sunday anymore.

I have failed my religion, or has my religion failed me? I am in a state of confusion. I still want her to chose to get get confirmed regardless of my struggles. I do NOT want to scar her with my issues. For Cassandra, I will endure Fr. Bill. It is what a good Catholic would do. Isn't it?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010 8:03 PM CST

the dream. brought tears but brought joy.

i drifted off sitting on the sofa at my sister's house. my nephew was playing wii. i dreamed. two studdly guys i work with were there. they were a couple, but it didn't surprise me. but WHY were they and their families living with my sister? for the record...they aren't gay, but you can't control your dreams. I digress. Savannah was sleeping on the sofa. it was after the honeymoon phase. she was once again heavy from the steroids. still sleeping. and still sleeping. it was way too long. i remembered my fear of her waking. i would have to deal with death in my face. i didn't want to. let her sleep? but i also wanted to grasp the last few moments of life because she was almost dead. i was so torn. wake or let her sleep? oh God, the emotions! that was probably when the tears began. i remember walking over to her, bending over her, kissing her forehead then her cheek. i remember brushing her red hair away from her face. i remember the feel of her skin against my lips. oh God, save me! Savannah finally moved. I remember thinking she died and I didn't know. thank you God. Oh let my life end now, she was still alive. no one can understand unless they lived it. gut wrentching. Savannah opened her eyes. I SAW THEM. OH MY GOD I SAW THEM. Brilliant blue. I SAW THEM, I SWEAR. They were alive. She was alive and I SAW HER EYES. My baby. Oh, my baby. My beautiful dying baby girl. Damn, i have having problems typing this. It took me this long to even share. I woke. I ran to the bathroom. Stared in the mirror. My face was literally swollen and red. I had tears down my face and welled in my eyes. I wanted to drop to the floor, scream, flail, and cry...but i was not at home and could not scare my niece and nephew. control control control.

i saw my daughter alive. even if it was in death. damn it. i saw her alive. crap. i had to go through the emotions i did in the final days to get that glimpse. i tell ya, life isn't fair, but you grasp what you can. it took me two days to recover. and what made me get there was mom bringing her up. It became shared and then i could heal. i haven't shared this with even my family.

why does such love always come with such pain? maybe it is just the intensity? to know one extreme, you must know the other. funny note...sounds like my love for Jerry.

whole point...I saw Savannah. I saw her eyes. alive but so close to death.

I lived with death, ate with death, slept with death, bathed death, watched tv with death. every time i looked at my daughter, there was death. there was also life. but damn it damn it damn it. there was death.

this is the most wrong thing EVER. i can think of nothing that can compare. ah hell, there is not even a name for it. what is the quote? a woman that loses her husband is a widow. a man that loses her husband is a widower. a child that loses their parent is an orphan. a parent that loses a child...there is no word for that because the pain is that great. sums it up. please never compare with a parent that lost a child. we will entertain you but with distain.

began a pity party here. didn't intend to. just looked in the mirror. raccoon eyes. Cassie didn't even mention it. she knows me too well. Writing just this has created total exhaustion. i have so much more to say, just not now.

I miss Savannah. with all my heart and soul. i know she is in a better place. but it is not the place she wanted to be. and not the place i wanted her to be. she should be with her momma.

i will always love you, dearest angel. my heart aches. until we are together, it always will. i have failed on so many levels. i don't think i failed you? well I did. You still died and are not here with me. i feel no regret just longing. I miss you, my spitfire.

I got a glimpse. I will shoulder the pain any day to get that peak into the past called your life. your eyes. i doubt anyone can understand how the pain is welcomed just to get a glimpse? except another parent. the bond. that is why i am here.

Thursday, December 31, 2009 8:56 AM CST

I wanted to share what went out in the few cards I got out this year. after the holidays, I want and need to write. I want to share a dream about Savannah. But for now, the holidays are still a rush.

I send out good wishes for all in 2010 with a prayer that the new year will bring an ease to the pain called grief. That within the loss are smiles and that most of the tears will be replaced with laughter. That we never lose sight of the gift of life and the joys that it brings. That we understand and accept that death is a part of life. That we stand tall in the face of death because it is our responsibility to move forward. We should hurt when we lose someone we love. It is a testiment to their being and gives a purpose to their life. May this CB family continue to reach out and hold each other up. May we continue to increase the cb family, not that we want to but because we are compassionate and we understand. It hurts to add to our own pain by taking on someone elses. But we know that those struck with tragedy will have limited access to a group that is just here to lean on.

I leave in a bit for St Louis. A 6 hour road trip. I feel tears building inside and smiles. Figures, put on mascara this morning.
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Cassandra has had an amazing year.
The newest addition to her schedule is basketball. The other kids have a several year head start, but she has given it her all. And actually has gotten quite good. She has played a few minutes in most games.

She is back in quiz bowl (surprise surprise) and captain once again. They placed 6th in the state on the first tournament in October. Last time she was captain, she took them to 2nd place in the February tournament. I can’t wait to see what happens. The games are sooooo exciting, but remember I am a nerd.

Cassie is also helping the Cotillion I and II classes this season. I have actually witnessed her four years of etiquette in action. Put her in a little black dress and she becomes a lady. Love the transformation.

Her dad was working on her driving over the summer. I wish she would have more interest. The more time behind the wheel, the better. She just needs to get enthused about the test.

Confirmation is this spring. She has had a difficult year in religion class with preparations. Not like religion classes past, where you could skate right through. She is well on her way with her required service hours. But Cassie is used to this on her own.

Cassandra will start up again this spring with taking the ACT. The more practice, the better. It has been since the 7th grade when she got the Duke University invite to take it early. It just gets to be frustrating to fit a time in her schedule.

All in all, Cassie is a typical teenager, for which I am so grateful. When I get ‘the attitude’, I thank God she is healthy enough to give me one. I thank God she is stable enough to just be normal with all she has had to endure.

I have had a good year as well. At times, the loss creeps in. I am vocal about it. That seems to help. Watching Cassie become a woman is bittersweet because Savannah should be right behind her.

CenturyTel bought out Embark and we have become CenturyLink. Things are once more in a flux. Almost 23 years and five companies later here I sit. Finally received a promotion. No additional money, but I still have a job. I work with such a good group of people that are not only my friends but are family. I love what I do.

I have gotten to do so many fun things this year: theater, concerts, bike rallies, alumni gatherings, a cruise, hanging with my brother, always with my friends and my best friend, my daughter.

My Christmas wish for all is that every one of us see how blessed we truly are, embrace it, and share it.

Merry Christmas
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one more thing...best friends
Last night I had company. My girlfriend says...the next song is your favorite...i hadn't really even been paying attention. 'If Today was Your Last Day' started. (funny, it is still on the main page here) We both plop in front of the stereo and wrap our arms around each other and just belted it out. I love her. THAT is what best friends are all about.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009 5:33 PM CST

Monday, December 7th
my brother made it home safely to detroit. the house is quiet. cassie is at a basketball tournament. grabbed one of the several photo albums of the girls. scanned several of savannah. went to fb to upload. saw a link from Leah's mom on another little girl with a dpg. I lost it. she probably won't make it to her birthday. maybe not even Christmas. i cried for her, for her mom, for her family and friends. then i cried for all the other warriors and angels and their families. then i realized i was also crying for me. i put on Seether, put on my 'big girl panties, and continued the upload. i never stopped crying, BUT i smiled and even laughed. didn't know you could do both at the same time until a few years ago. i need some down time. i only went through one albums out of like 15. it took all my energy. i couldn't continue.

Last night was the Boar's Head Feast in Altus. A few of us dressed up. Everyone says...next yr I will. It was a blast though. Only one member of the entertainment was there. the others were in jail. i thought it was a joke at first, but apparently not. the food was incredible. Fred wanted to join us once more and came along.

He actually was a godsend this weekend regardless that I paid him. Tommy and I couldn't have done it all. We worked from daylight til dark and then the party started. Except, I keep getting vibes. I know better than to doubt myself. Fred wants back in. Damn it. It is not going to happen. just as simple as that. he was never really 'in' to begin with. back to always trust your instincts. kept me from being hurt this time.

i am tired of thinking. tired of crying. a new sudoku book and bed.

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I had a hard Kiwanis board meeting yesterday. Probably the hardest I have had in the 9 years I have done this. Many difficult decisions. So many in need. It hurt me. I have a compassion for those that are responsible adults with catastrophic events. I don't want to feed into a lifestyle of taking. But the children. oh, the children. they are not at fault. but the majority will continue in the footsteps of those that raise them. I brought a family in need to the table for a Christmas adoption. They are in need. The final straw was self inflicted and consequences need to be paid. So the children suffer. I won't divulge any more. However, I am in pain. I will provide. We will provide. My head tells me she won't rise above. My hearts hopes she will. Who am I to make this call? I have raised much of this money myself. I will open my own wallet. Each will actually be given more than my own children were ever given for Christmas. In doing this, Cassie and I will not be doing the Angel tree this year.

The burden is mine. I just don't want to be used. AGAIN. I am the one that allows this. My choice. My consequences of being hurt. But also my joy. Unfortunately, I am screwed more times. Alas.

With this adoption, I have chosen to include a couple kids from Sacred Heart to do the shopping with me. Probably one at a time. They need service hours for Confirmation this spring. It is a perfect opportunity for them, so I feel I need to introduce them into civic responsibility. Alot on my plate.

I do have an ulterior motive. I don't want the darkness. Will I always look to Savannah's picture? Will I always miss her? Will I forever cry when finding another child with a dpg? Must I always wear myself to the point of exhaustion? life is so very short. I couldn't give her anymore life than I did. I MUST continue in her name. I owe it to my daughter whose life was taken by an incurable cancer. I gave birth to her, and she was ripped off. oh, sweet baby, wanting to kick the crap out of the kids making fun of your older sister. and you would have. Even Fr. Charlie had something to say about that at your funeral. My heart aches for you, little one. I hope you can be proud of me Savannah. I fail every day. And I pray you smile and tell me it is alright. damn, this makes twice today that i have cried. i try. i try. i try. i have always tried. i have always tried to be better. catholic thing, i know. i guess, part of being human is the constant of failure. two marriages. failure. God knows I tried on both.

Looks like I will hear back from ATU tomorrow or Fri. They have my transcript from UMR. The problem seems to be more hours of junk (I admit, that doesn't sound nice) required for a BS than what UMR had. I suppose that is similar among all engineering schools. We required less general courses. But the hours needed to graduate is more. The difference made up in classes such as Diff EQ W/Matrix theory and such. So are they going to make me take a 4 hour biology class with lab because UMR didn't have a lab and the class was 3 hours? My labs were in an electrical engr lab, production line lab, physics lab, engr graphics lab, etc. We will see. I am interested in a Bachelor of Professional Studies with an interest in Emergency Management.

In the past few years I have dealt with a F3 tornado, a devastating ice storm, and a hurricane in a professional capacity working for a utility. One of the first let in, running home base when everyone is on site, and gathering equipment to get emergency services up. I also did this on a personal level with Savannah's illness. I know what a catastrophic event does to a family, friends, and community. I know what mother nature can do to family, friends, and community. Now I would like the schooling to back me up. I will see what happens. I don't have the time nor the finances to take bowling or art appreciation. Damn, I was a DJ. I want the nuts and bolts. I am 45 and don't feel the need for the fluff. Understand, the young and inexperienced need an eye opener. Life gave it to me. How many people have gone through the Louvre, seen David, teared up looking at the Piata, felt the hair raise on your neck walking through Pompeii?

What ATU chooses is not in my control. So it is on the university. I choose to go with the flow. If they make it worth my while, I will go. If not, I won't. I won't get any promotion or raise when i get done with a new degree, only self satisfaction. However, it can create for me a disadvantage. I wait. Don't think Cassie is too pleased. I don't need the accelerated program. I refuse to take too much time from my daughter. After all, one of my drivers ended with one child remaining.

Tommy comes down Friday with a truckload of stuff. Another jam session or two this weekend. Hard work and hard play. I am tired of this, but he leaves for Afganistan soon. it is going to be a busy weekend. I try so hard not to do a 'woe is me'. I am so worried, but I also believe sometimes no matter what the risks, you need to do what you feel you need to do. I am good with my little brothers decision.

I am a mess. People tell me I am the most stable person they ever met. what am i trying to prove to myself? I am not really. but I am so damaged. one of the many things i loved about the Vegas DPG conference was to get together with other parents that are also now damaged. damaged yet stable. I need to know I am not alone. i am not alone. i'm not. even though the girlie part tells me that. the guy part of me knows i have a different family, a family of circumstance, a family of understanding, of grief, and of knowledge.

with this, happy December. may you have snow, if you wish it. may you have pleasant dreams. may you have health, smiles, and love.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009 1:59 PM CST

I was cleaning and found one of the little angel pins we passed out at Savannah’s funeral. I put it on my shirt today. I smiled when I found it. I am smiling now. I will wear it for a while.

I have so much to be thankful for, even with the loss, pain, and grief. What an honor to have raised an angel. I suppose I will fall back into the familiar gloom at some point. I remember the Thanksgiving that Savannah was going through radiation treatments. She was so tired. She finally came out to eat, but didn’t want turkey. She wanted lentil soup. My little girl. So, she ate lentil soup.

Friday I went to the country club for Holiday Jubilee for the art center. I donned the appropriate little black dress and makeup. It was ‘stuffy’. I would rather do other artsy fartsy things. I knew about a dozen people. I think that surprised Fred. And to clarify, Fred and I are not dating. Just friends. He even house sat for me last weekend when I went to STL.

Friday afternoon, a post on fb gave me a wild hair. Off to STL Sat morning I went for a party that evening. Two days in a row I wore makeup. It also gave me a place to wear my new corset that goes with my new pirate queen dress I got for the upcoming Boar’s Head Feast. Eric insisted I stay at his house again. Had dinner with Tyler and Erica. Then off to the Delmar Loop. I used to hang out there with my old boyfriend almost every weekend. Most of my albums have a Vintage Vinyl sticker on them. Oh, I had such a wonderful time. I love that group of people. I need to do this again in a few weeks. Three terrific bands. Ran across a friend of mine. I returned home feeling so refreshed. It isn’t often I treat myself. This impromptu trip was just that. I have the greatest friends!

Looks like Thanksgiving at my house will be just friends. It will be wonderful.
As I started out this post, I have so much to be thankful for. My CB friends are included in my heart.

Monday, November 16, 2009 2:27 PM CST

Company has come. Company has gone. Company brought good times, love, and friendship. Company left with the sunshine and warm weather.

Had a great time with Eric, my best friend from college. He and Cassie had more fun studying the periodic table. How many people can recite the elements? I admit, I am stupid. I have always been blessed with children that thought my friends were both weird and fun, ‘like you mom’. Cassie basically left her dad’s for the weekend and hung out with us. She did go hunting with her father one morning. I told her don’t try too hard to slay bambi. Still working on the ones in the deep freezer. But, don’t bypass a nice young one if you get a great shot. Had company every night. My Russellville friends have always gotten along with my STL friends. It is nice when you get the phone call, your company there yet? Good we are on our way over. Everyone is so diverse. Can friends get any better?

My parents and brother showed up on Tuesday. But the POD did not. It was a cluster. But I did get Tommy to get my new ‘puter and printer on-line. And he straightened out part of my electrical abortion in the back. It was party and people every night. I am whooped. One night my friends all came with guitars and amps. We rocked the house. Cass got hammered in her basketball tournament. I think some of that may have been from her multi flu shots the day before. Mom hemmed both of Cassie’s new gowns for the Cotillion Balls. She is just stunning in them.

Which brings me to the point of this post. I look at this beautiful child turning into a young woman with poise, grace, and spunk. And there should be another right behind her. How can you keep your emotions separate? It is always bittersweet. Savannah would be in puberty now. Physical and emotional changes. What would she look like? What would she be becoming? I bet she would also have been able to ‘rock’ a gown.

Would Savannah be the hunter that Cassie is? Would she still be ‘proud’ to eat bambi?
Would she still have these fluid dance moves? Would she still be dancing on the kitchen table?
Would she still be giving away her things to children she perceived had little or were ill? She would have been old enough to actively partake in community and charity events. Would she have embraced it the way her sister has?
Would she still have her passion for soldiers? Would she still want to throw tomatoes at The Dixie Chicks?
Would she still think that boys were stupid? Or would they have become her best friends and allies?

I have always heard our personalities are set by the time we are 3-5. If this is the case, I have an idea of what she may be like. And God help us all. Alas that is not the case. And as little Cass used to say…God must have really needed kids in heaven.
Still, where there is one of my daughters, there should be the other. I glow in watching my off spring mature. But it is a constant reminder that my other offspring is dead.
I do believe those that still check this web site understand that with my sorrow comes immense love and joy.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009 8:47 PM CDT

My head is on straight now. Well, I think. I knew something was wrong last month.

The familiar darkness has set in. Instead of being sad, I noticed i am easily distracted, easy to snap, and just not doing my normal things. I am depressed. I recognize the change in me. My child. 18 months to watch her die. Remembering what people told me...
have faith.
God doesn't want your daughter to die.
don't lose hope.
there are miracles.
God has a purpose.
it will make you stronger.
etc. etc. etc.
What the F ever. I had heard them all. Been told she will die if I lose faith, if I don't change churches, there are survivors. hmmmmmm. NO. if there are survivors, they don't have typical diffused pontine gliomas.
I still think I did the best thing by accepting. The best for Savannah. The best for Cassandra. The best for me. I feel that Savannah would be proud. I have done things to cope, but she would understand and embrace me and tell me you did what you had to do mommy. She would be so proud of her sister. Cassie is one of the most stable kids I know especially with what she lived through.
Oh Savannah. What would you be like now if this disease did not destroy your brain stem, if your gray matter wasn't fried by radiation, if the toxins did not flow through your veins? My greatest regret is allowing treatment. Treatment I knew would never work, treatment your daddy fought me over, treatment the state may have fought me over. I had to start to deal. I don't believe in bartering. My personality doesn't have the time. I am so sorry I caused you to suffer from treatment. Those are the thoughts that haunt me. The inch long needles into your chest with no numbing agent to access your port. The screaming and crying after chemo because you hurt all over. The people telling me I HAD to do this where no where to be found THEN. The 100s of kidney stones you developed from the steroids and then doctors telling me that I MUST be doing something that caused them. The doctors didn't know, not then, maybe now.

So many lessons your cancer taught me. how to love. how to live. how to respect LIFE and equally respect DEATH. i witnessed the most horrible people are your religious zealots. that saying you are praying for someone is an empty statement and means NOTHING other than to make that person feel good. ACTION is what is needed. Pray yes, but it is nothing unless you act. Help someone else if you can not physically help that person. help someone in the name of that person you are praying for. I learned acceptance doesn't mean defeat. It means defeat to a scared individual who is not right with the world and their maker. It means defeat to one in denial. But remember there are no survivors, why cloud the issue? And if she was the first? well, she would not have had a typical diffused pontine glioma now.

Savannah Phoenix
you are with me. always will be. I smile now. I laugh. I make an ass out of myself. I can become very childish in a good way. I am not so uptight. I am happy. Things you have taught me. Maybe it takes the extreme of utter fear, sadness, lack of control, anger, and loss.

Tomorrow is your diagnosis date. every second i relive like it was yesterday. carrying your lifeless body up three flights of stairs because your father couldn't. your body going into the mri. the neurologist saying you had a massive lesion. the clothes i was wearing. i will relive the times everything happened. picking you up from school. the kindergarten class all hugging you, what no one would know would be your last day for many months.

tears baby. tears for you. tears for me. tears for all the other families.

back to reality. put on a happy face. Cassie needs me. good night and thanks for still just being there and let me vent my pain.

Thursday, October 22, 2009 7:05 PM CDT

i have been both happy and sad at the same time lately. guess it comes with the season. i started a list of the wonderful cool things i experienced in my life.

grew up in Germany and traveled Europe
lived with my grandparents when my folks moved back
they let me go a year early to finish up high school
igirl scout in a very active troop. for being a city girl, i loved camping and outdoor cooking
became a cast member at the Varsity in STL. Columbia every sat nite for the Rocky Horror Picture Show. we were good kids. no drugs, just RH
made it into UMR and actually graduated
GDI board member and officer
DJ and then Program director at KMNR 89.7
Learned and became a fan of so many different musical genres
first one in my department to get a job
i was going to work outside. i didn't have to wear a suit
moved from the northern tip of the ozarks to the southern
beautiful wedding and became best friends with my mother in law
had two beautiful precious daughters (always wanted girls)
fell in love with an angel in leather
am independent. have the best friends in the world
have the best family
founds out who my real friends are.
love my job and have the best coworkers
civic work in Kiwanis

then the crappy stuff...
lost my life mate to violence. a slow growth that I had to end because my daughters got put in the middle.
my youngest child was given a death sentence on October 29,2002 (Halloween was my favorite holiday and now I just struggle thru).
lost the love of my life to manic depression.
there are other wonderful and horrible things. we all have them. it is called life. i try to focus on the wonderful but the horrible shapes us. it can actually change us.

baby, i love you and miss you. my heart aches for your smile. i remember the way you would hold me Savannah and ask me if I had been crying. of course I had been. i thought I hid it well. you were dying. how could a mother not cry? how? and you cupped my face and told me you would always be there for me. oh baby girl. oh baby girl.

Monday, October 12, 2009 6:18 PM CDT

October 12th of 2004 Heaven got a new Angel. In my mind's eye, i see Savannah and all the other children welcoming her. I have pictured them playing, whispering, giggling, playing dress up, dancing, and peering down on their families that had to stay behind. May be a little over board, so it works for me. And I need to hold on to that. My heart goes out to the Jeanne, Steve, and the girls.

Last night again was just Cassie and me. It was Desperate Housewives night. Cassie says...mom...I want to watch Cats. WHAT?? That time of the year. I made an ass out of myself dancing the moves that my body doesn't do. Cassie laughing at me. Us reminiscing about Savannah. She had picked out the cats that we were. Savannah was Victoria, Cassie was Cassandra (name condemned her), and I was Bumbelerina. I wanted to be Jemima. But NO. Savannah spoke. The the outfit Savannah would dress me in. Then the furniture moving to dance. We were nuts years ago. Or we were happy daughters and mother. It was good between Cassie and me. The hurt was not overwhelming. You could feel it, but it was almost an empty happiness. Huh? We did watch Desperate Housewives after. Late night. Very late night. Probably made me a bad mom letting her 14 yr old stay up. Oh well.

Had a strange weekend two weekends ago. Screwed me up for a week. Not sure what I was feeling, what I should be feeling. I have learned time and time again, trust my gut. And yet I always give the benefit of doubt. And I am screwed every time. I know better. and it embarrasses me that I am taken for a ride once more. That puts the blame of failure on me. I opened my house to a possible new friend and was slammed with news I didn't want to know. Why would someone come into my home, drink my beer, and tell me hurtful things. It shouldn't matter anyway. Everything is in the past. Thank God for girlfriends. They come in handy for the details. I do my best to try to respect others. Just don't understand how somebody could hate me or not care about me enough to jeopardize me and my health. It makes no sense to me.

Cassie, Lisa, and I saw Mama Mia last Wed. We had a blast. It was wonderful. Cassie looked soooooo good. She looked so grown up in my little black dress, pearls, and pumps. What a young lady. I wasn't sure what to think of young men turning their heads. Thank God, she was clueless. Cassie got embarrassed at her mom dancing and singing along. Get over it little one. I used to be like her. Until my youngest got a inoperable brain tumor. Kind of changes your outlook. Maybe that is why I care less about when I should care so much about what happened two weekends ago.

I am sure I will be writing more the next couple weeks. Looks like Jerry is cycling, so I can't reach out to him. It will be time I reach out to friends. Life is still good. I am so blessed. Family, friends, loved ones.

I miss Savannah Phoenix Hurley!

Thursday, October 1, 2009 8:22 PM CDT

occasionally i have senior moments. they freak me out so much I think i need to be tested for dementia. once Mark and I took the girls for frozen custard concretes. i was explaining to the girls about Ted Drewes and how they would present it to you upside down. my dumb butt, 20 minutes into it, show them. turn the damn thing upside down and proceed to dump it all over me. all over the car. it was on the window, the seatbelt, me, the floor mat. ahhhhhhhhhhh. savannah's diagnosis date is in october, not september. i realized this yesterday. was writing why i couldn't feel the connection this year. happen to see the date on the journal entry and duuuuhhhh.

Work has been grand. Back to inside plant engr. i was to help. so far, i have done every job. it is okay. i just fight being overwhelmed. and that is fine too. a challenge and something new, is good. spending a lot of money to high speed broadband out.

had a great weekend. hung out with Fred.it was nice just being friends. didn't feel pressure from him. i do love having guy friends.

Cassie is going to her friend's house Fri and maybe Sat. WHAT am I going to do? Sun she will be here for helping out with Cotillion classes.

Next Wed is Mama Mia. Cassie, Lisa, and I are going together. It will be the first time Cass and Lisa see it in the theater. I like the big productions ie. Starlight Express, Phantom of the Opera. But I so like the 'theaters in the rough', that's what i call them. Like the Art Loft in STL. I don't even know if that exists anymore. Tiny little place with fold up chairs. went with mom and dad to see Hair and The Rocky Horror Show. yeah, I drove 6 1/2 hours to see them. I need to google the Art Loft.

So much more going on, but I have to go to London tomorrow and pick up Tammy's kids to get them to my house so Fred can take them to school. that was a mouthful.

to all, sweet dreams.

Sunday, September 20, 2009 7:40 PM CDT

Wed Sept 23rd
i kissed Savannah tonight. touched her ashes. and smiled. i chose for me, the best. took an attorney, but i have her with me. i am happy. i can't remember what she smelled like. that hurts. but what an honor to be her mother. you all know this can totally change in a heartbeat and you could scrap me off the floor. but at the moment i am good. alone feels so good for the moment.

cass is at her dad's. Audrey just left. Kevin is awesome. drops her off and then picks her up. weekly 3 glasses of wine and kick ass conversation or bitchin. she talked tonight. i listened.

tomorrow is the annual Kiwanis banquet. second yr that i am totally out of the loop. eight yrs i was so committed and involved in everything. i find out if i am BACK on the board. i have mixed feelings. it wouldn't hurt my feelings if i don't get there. but one thing i learned, if you need something done, give it to the person who has more on their plate then they can deal with and it will be completed and done well. do i want that burden, again? already Alvin and i have committed to the boys and girls club on a river valley easter egg hunt.

oh, my bundle. God how i still miss her. my blue eyed, red haired, porcelain skinned spitfire. what would the world have done with her? i have always been told that red heads fall into two very distinct categories...knockouts or ugly as sin. the poor boys. ha! they were poor boys in preschool, having to sleep in the hallway because they were fighting over who got to put their mat next to hers at nap time. and Savannah never gave them the time of day. she would be my child from hell. when she was 4 she had power i have never seen before and it scared me. but that same power gave her a legacy at the age of seven. just remembering.

hey, i bought a new weed eater. and put it together by myself. no man included. oh yeah! weed eated after work. still like power washing better. i really do like this 'no man hovering' thing. now, i need to order a new cord for my lawn mower.

poor Midnite got locked in the garage. kept looking outside for her. now she is in and crying for me to go to bed. animals are as bad as children. Speaking of...Conner peed in the house this am. let him in to eat. cassie raising her voice to make him go back outside. him getting sidetracked because Fred was here to carpool. and I had to clean it up.

time to put on a cd and go to bed. tomorrow figure all equipment needed for all my 10 meg jobs.

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the anniversary season begins. this weekend, seven yrs ago. Savannah became symptomatic. i have been thinking about this. kept myself busy with Kiwanis and having a head cold and cough. it still lingers in my mind. you can't shut it off. it just isn't as bad as it once was. i haven't cried to the point heaving. i haven't been in fetal position at all. i haven't even shed a tear. strange. just memories. they are vivid. they are documented in the history and in my brain so i need not go into them. but it is still early.

when i love, i love full heart. i lost my first to violence and ended it when my children and myself were threatened with a shotgun. my child. nothing else to say. my third to a mental illness. but my living child's safety must always come first. Most people are just clueless. I try always to keep this in mind. that doesn't mean i think i am better. i wish i could be one of those clueless people. life would be easier. this is just in reference to some crap i have had to deal with with a so called friend. her poor children. sorry, just venting.

ready for the October run at Sparks. ready for a new tattoo. thinking...dragonfly. Savannah told me that was the next one I was to have. I drew it once. Had my message imbedded in the wings.

Lisa came over a couple nights ago. She is always trying to find homes for animals. I have kept several dogs in the past until they have found homes. She came with pics of a kitten. one look, yes. sigh. she called the next day. kitten got a home while i was telling her yes.

phone ringing. bye

Friday, September 4, 2009 12:44 AM CDT

Time to change the song. I have loved this Nickelback song from the first time I heard it, last December. It makes me happy and it makes me cry. It reminds me what I learned to strive for many years ago and was recomfirmed in 2002. All us parents got the biggest possible eye opener when we were told our children were going to die. Take them home and love them. Embracing this released me. I was never happier. I loved my children. I lived for and with my children. We did for others constantly and allowed us to be taken care of. Remember Savannah's 'resavitory' shelf for the children that didn't get gifts? Suitcases upon suitcases of gifts were taken to GKTW. Motorcycles laden with Christmas presents. The Salvation army Angel trees. Kiwanis Builders Club Christmas boxes filled. What incredible memories. No moans from the girls. They wanted to give back. They wanted to help. They wanted to shop (even using their own money). Cassie has been hands on as well as donating material goods since her sister died.

Us parents travelled the most difficult path there is. we didn't lose our spouse, our parents, our siblings, or pets. That is in the nature of things. we lost our children. And it was from NOTHING that we did. Nothing. Yet, through the pain and grieving, I have seen more of these parents open their arms to others in need. When you would think they would be angry, isolated, and depressed, they rose above and beyond (even though they feel every one of those emotions). I hate to be a member of this special club, but I am honored with the company.

I had to learn not to get too riled up on matters that really don't matter in the long run. To advocate for children. To have compassion for those who are weak. That is my hardest demon. Not to take things too seriously. To love the freedoms in life.

Cassie and I had such a good evening. We danced. Or I danced and she joined now and again. Like an idiot, just dancing and singing. could never do that with anyone else. But Cassie and I went to hell together and came back a couple times. It was bad enough to watch her sister die, but then to have to go through Jerry's mental collapse. She is a fighter. and my partner until she is grown.

Someday i will leave this world. And I will be content with the way I lived my life. I strive for that. If i am smushed by a truck today, I will have had the best life possible. The best children and the best friends. I think I have made a positive difference in this world. I hope to do more, to continue on. But if today were my last day...I would be good and go with a smile on my face. (other than, I really want Cassie raised first, hahaha)

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"Rise Above This"

Take the light, undarken everything around me
Call the clowns and listen closely, i'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but i'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but i'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me
(i'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(i'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but i'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that i'm feelin' helpless
Fallin' down, fallin down', but i'll rise above this, rise above this

SEETHER

Saturday, August 29, 2009 0:27 AM CDT

End of August already. Where does the time go. Things are good here. School back in session for two weeks. Kids are loving it. I am loving it because quizbowl and basketball haven't started yet.

Best news is Angel Rachel has a beautiful little sister now. You guys know how to get to Jeanne's site. I cried when I saw the baby pics. What an incredible family. Funny how emotional one gets.

My birthday party was a blast. Ms. Delicious had a medical issue and couldn't come. But we still carried on. Another success. Had a couple phone calls from those not in attendance. The Rolla crowd at another party and a couple friends at a conference. They all made my night.

I am thinking about going back to school. We have an excellent university here but the masters programs did nothing for me. Was thinking another BS? I have some ideas and my transcript in hand. I must be crazy.

I have been dealing with some issues yesterday and today. At what point does a friend intervene when there are children involved? I think drama finds me. I don't mind listening, but please don't put me in the middle of it. And crazy people and drunks seem to be on the same level. There are kids involved, and this will most likely impact Cassie and myself. I won't lie to protect someone that needs help and refuses to see it. Life it too short. Children are too precious. I have had to give up two of those I loved the most. One to this damn DPG and another to a mental illness. I suppose when someone gets that selfish, they loss sight of the innocent they hurt and could destroy. I get so tired of excuses.

A group of us drove down to Conway for dinner tonight. I thought we would be meeting NEW friends. Gotta love small towns. We all knew each other. go figure. Most of the time I complain about going to Walmart, Lowes, or Kroger and ALWAYS seeing people you know. But tonite made me look at the good side. We had a wonderful time. If you are ever in Conway (and not stalking Kris Allen) check out Michaelangelo's. awesome. Had to dress up a little more than normal (couldn't don my flipflops). This is why every woman needs a little black dress in her closet. I realized during dinner that the person to the right of me and to the left of me were the first two people I met outside of work 22 1/2 years ago when I moved here. Now that is cool.

I got mail today for Savannah and me. I just looked at it. No sadness or anger. I just spoke out loud...why the hell would they send me something for my dead kid? five years and counting now. said it just like that. matter of fact. such is life. the drama person in my life would have spent two weeks obsessing over this with phone calls every 15 minutes and a bottle hidden somewhere. ahhh. she tells me I don't know what it is to lose someone. enough of that. bedtime.

Peace to all.

Saturday, August 8, 2009 1:54 PM CDT

tried to update last night and lost connection to the server. probably a good thing because today was amazing so far. after sweating my tushy off I decided I needed to get the matting for the canvas of the portrait Jerry painted of the girls. It had shrunk and broke the frame. Remember that is how he ended up in my life. I am driving along in a zone and pulled into Hasting's. No reason, I was just there. So instead of telling myself i was an idiot, I thought...time to get the latest Drowning Pool. Got it and noticed the live there also. I had a need to hear the 'whoop ass, this is for the soldiers'. i remember hearing them sing early last summer before the cd came out. oh, how that baby LOVED the soldiers. her idea of war and protection was simplified to the truest form. i even cried when we all clapped for the soldiers on the plane just last week. to honor them but also to honor the child who thought they were the greatest and the bravest people in the world. (she never relaized how brave she was when those needles pearced 1 inch in her chest to her port, without the emla cream. oh shit, i just started bawling. damn it. okay.

the strangeness continues. i go to hobby lobby. while i am trying to fine a color, the musac was 'The Lord of the Dance'. I picked that song out for my daughter's funeral. I NEVER got sad. I smiled and sang it in my head. The painting will be back in time for a house full of guests next week. Order is finally coming back.

So back home, Drowning Pool cranked and I start crying. It was not bad. It was good. No wonder the soldiers have adopted that band. My tears were for all of our fallen warriors. Us caringbridge parents have always called our children warriors. Sometimes unfortunately, we must even call them angels. And I have one with me. One who was shared amongst so many. One who still reaches down from Heaven and touches those who need it.

I am in a great place right now. Florida was great but home is where I want to be. I had a wonderful week talking with friends near and far this week. I spent time alone. I got so much done at work.

Now that I have the rest of Fred's stuff in the garage, I have peace. Not that the relationship was bad. It just never was a relationship. I needed to move on. And I don't need junk holding me back. He was a godsend for Cassie's school last year.

I have the itch for more ink. Body location is such an issue. Those addictive needles. But I have nothing monumental to state with ink. So I won't do it.

Cassie wants season tickets to the theater. no Andrew Lloyd Webber this year though. But Mama Mia will be here. She has never seen it. And can one have too much Abba? well maybe.

Friday, July 24, 2009 11:34 PM CDT

So much going on. guess it is called life.

today was a mixture of emotions. lost all my work from yesterday. felt the fury rise and told myself that is so not worth it. then just wanted to cry. had to put on my big girl panties and just get the job done. i will finish it tomorrow.

i stopped by fred's place that he is building and he wanted to hear my new cd. weather was perfect, beer was cold, amy lee's voice haunting, but then the visions began. they are so comforting. i had plans for dinner with friends tonight and just wanted to crawl into a shell. it was so hard to overcome, but i made a commitment. so i went. and it was terrific.

went to Altus for dinner at Kelt's. We didn't realize they were having their wine festival. food was awesome, as always. to think it took Paris and Nicole to put this place on the map during their first season. they had a band from the prison down south. they were good. the ladies dancing were definitely characters. the town itself is so quaint. the company fantastic. we laughed, told stories, checked out the crafts, and encountered a Pat.

in general, i haven't felt this good in a few years. i miss my baby desperately. next week my family will be together. first time since the summer of '03. my youngest daughter won't be there. i am scared to be in that environment. she is in my heart. she is on my shoulder. but she is not with her mama. sucks. but at the same time. i smile. i miss her to tears, and yet i am so grateful i was chosen to be her mother. to birth her, to nurse her, to kiss her, to correct her, to love her, to be the one to give her over to a higher power.

Today i hit the gambit on emotions.

my hair is now her color for the rest of the summer. every year i do this and every year a couple people tell me my dark red hair is much prettier than the strawberry blond. oh well. just explain why and it seems to be understood. just a lisa way to connect with savannah.

apr 28th,2004. what a downer.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009 6:52 PM CDT

July 13th

i just ordered my early birthday present. i have been looking for 'Origin' forever. hope i don't wake up in the morning thinking this was a dream.

i've been so missing savannah tonight. gave her ashes a kiss. haven't stopped smiling, though. God, I have been so blessed. i hope she remembers me. how stupid is that? tonight i have the luxury to grieve because Cassie isn't here and i can't sleep. her robe still hangs in my closet and i will cradle it and cry myself to sleep and it will be good.
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Actually checked the site and I have been so bad. No updates since 'death' date.

Life continues with normal ups and downs. Cassie is turning into a beautiful young lady. I am so proud of her. She is a typical teenager. As the months go by, she keeps me on a busier and busier schedule.

We had planned to go to the east coast at the end of July, but that got canceled. Probably FL in its place.

I did go on a cruise here last month. That was okay. I am not much of a start drinking at 10:30am every day type person. I want to see things, visit other cultures. Not bars in other countries. I will need to be pickier in the future on who I travel with.

I actually glanced through some of my history here. So sad. But I know what dates to look at. Guess I needed to revisit. I cried, but I smiled while I cried. Healing, I suppose. I was lucky to have had an angel. I was lucky another one came into my life to aid me with the end of her journey. I am thankful that Jerry found a couple yrs of sanity in his life when he met us, or it may have been because of Savannah. I talk to him now. I can never be with him EVER. But I saw his heart and it is good.

Missed Sparks OK this June. It was for the best, too hot. I wouldn't have made it. It did hurt not going. Missing the environment, the openness, the safety, the freedom. Who would of though someone could get that from a bunch of bikers. Pictureman did finally get the Oct run pics up. I remember being so nervous because he was across from me snapping pics during the games.

I am ready to start having parties again. I need to get out of this isolation I have been in for the last couple yrs. I was told by a dear friend that he expects a huge 45th for me this August.

I want to thank all those who still check on me. The site was set up to chronicle the deadliest of all tumors, life through it and life after. But as a parent with other children, it is my responsibility to move on. Never to forget, but I cannot stay in place that is consumed with grief. I am forever altered, forever damaged, forever aware of the love of life, the gift of life. Live and love. I have to move on and find happiness for me and for Cassie. I wanted to fill a void with this site. So few experiences out there. I needed knowledge and so little existed. I am not taking the site down. I just need to give an explanation of my lack of updates. If you have followed out story, you will know how I value privacy.

Hopefully, I will do better than an update every 2 1/2 months.

Hope everyone had a wonderful 4th (ah, Savannah's favorite holiday, the little patriot). Mine rocked. The whole weekend I felt free and alive.

Thursday, April 30, 2009 6:59 AM CDT

Someone asked me, not to long ago, if it gets easier. I said both yes and no. All the emotions are still there. Just a bit more numb. I didn't want to be alone yesterday. It worked for a while, the distraction of someone elses issues. But after she left and I went to bed, the memories resumed. The play by play of Savannah's last night on earth. Watching the child struggling to breathe as she slowly drowned. The helplessness I felt. The exhaustion I felt. I terror I felt. The loss I felt. I can instantly feel the strength of each one of those. Each one of those emotions are consuming in themselves. And we had to experience them simultaneously.

Five years ago at this moment Jerry and I had returned home, ALONE. I saw the funeral home carting out my child's body when we were pulling out of the parking lot. We needed to sleep. The 30th was going to be a busy day. We had to be at the funeral home at like 10am or something. We unplugged the phones. We went to bed and just held each other. We were in shock.

Most people can't relate. This is good. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. But that means there are just a few that do. I just wanted to be held last night. Cassie was at her dad's. Fred evacuated when I told him five years ago I was on the phone to hospice, gathering items to take to the hospital. I put Savannah on my night stand. I needed her close. I did a rune spread. It told me everything I already knew.

I am okay. I seem to be living for others, not for myself. That I suppose is normal. Cassie is a busy teenager. I did get a getaway at the beginning of the week. I haven't laughed that hard in years. There is something so delightful about woman's days out. I am sure that is what the red hat society is all about. We just weren't in red and purple. I think I am too young for that. I could be a junior.

Life continues. Good and bad. Glorious times mixed with heartache. And that death is a part of life.

I saw Seether in concert about a week ago. I cried when he sang Broken. That was the first non-Evanescence song I put on this site. I think it is odd that another Seether song is on here right now. They were great. Nickelback was incredible again, too.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009 8:36 PM CST

i cried today. it has been since the end of oct that i have cried. it hurt. i felt better. i didn't know i felt bad. i heard a song. i thought of my little one. i missed her. i hurt for the illness and death she had to endure. and i cried.

other than that we have been good, but i don't feel like writing.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008 3:43 PM CST

November 17th
Please check out the new picture of Cassie with her deer in the pic sect
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Cassie slayed Bambie. I am so proud of her. I picked it up over the weekend from the packaging plant. She will learn how to process her own kill in the future. I think that is very important. After that, if she chooses to take it elsewhere, so be it. We made some into breakfast sausage and had it for breakfast this morning. She loved it. I loved it. She already gave me instructions NOT to cook her deer meat. She will be doing that. I told her that her venison needs to be separated from mine then. And she did. Cassie helped me make venison fajitas and a venison veggie soup. We have been deer meating it up this last week. Tonight is venison burgers and tomorrow venison in spaghetti. I will have to take a break after that.

Cassie had a busy weekend. She did a practice quiz bowl tournament on Sat. They never do good on the first game. About midway through the first game she started rolling. They were playing the hardest team in their region. It was funny because one of the boys on the other team kept whispering to another team member, hey, that girl is good, she is really good. That made me smile so big both inside and out. Sunday after cleaning house with me I took her to help the two Cotillion classes. Next up, helping at the Winter Ball in the beginning of January. She already has her dress and keeps trying it on.

The busy weekend helped me even though I think I was over the rough spot for the time being. I basically had a breakdown on the 30th. Made it through the 29th okay but lost my sanity the next day. I remember almost like an out of body experience. I wasn’t being logical just desperate. I needed to get to a person who understood. I asked Fred how far PA was to drive. I was just going to drive until I made it to Jeanne’s. I knew NH was too far to see Celeste. And I knew Utah was to far to see Mark. And somehow in my mind I was going to leave out on Sat and return Sun night. Makes no sense. But it did at the time, yet it did NOT at the time. Audrey happened to call and listened to the rantings of a crazy woman. She suggested I call my ex. ‘After all he understands better than anyone else and happens to be stable now. But I chose not to make the call. But out of the blue he called me to check on me. He said he knows this is the hardest time of the year for me, and he was sure that had not changed. I had just composed myself and then went right back to the lunatic. I asked him if I could come and bring Savannah. He said yes.

Cassie seemed to understand that I needed to do this for me. She wasn’t pleased, but she understood. What more can I ask for? Anyway, I went on the 1st and came back on the 2nd. It was nothing that I thought it would be. It was so much better. I was nervous, but when I saw Jerry the craziness was gone and I felt at peace. Then I got to business. We took the bike to the cemetery to see his mom. We hung out on her grave for a long time. It felt so good to be on the back of the Savannah Hurley Harley, so natural. Anyway, went back and started looking at pictures. We seemed to take turns crying. We held fingers and remembered. Stories with smiles and stories with tears. I never had the breakdown that I went out there for. I didn’t need it. I was able to share my pain with some else who shared the same pain. It seemed to make the burden lighter. My face burned and was tender all last week. I was slightly swollen under my eyes even Monday. So many tears shed. Jerry’s dad and his friend stopped by a couple times to visit. I guess they couldn’t believe that I was there or they didn’t think that was my purpose in coming. Well guess I proved them wrong.
I went for a selfish reason. Me I needed help. The help I needed turned out to be knowledge of the exact type of pain. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I was weepy still all last week. But I figure that was because I was so drained and literally felt weak.

But getting better as the days pass.

God how I miss my baby girl.

Thursday, October 30, 2008 5:40 PM CDT

I seem to have fallen into my annual pity party.

Once again, I feel so alone. Empty. Needing someone to lean on. Not wanting to bother anyone for a couple of reasons. They don't need to be bothered. Everyone has their own things going on. I know those few would drop life and come to my rescue, but depression is solitary. ha...that's must be why i am typing and going to hit enter. How can anyone be there for me when I don't know how I can be there for anyone else. one thing I have learned in this miserable journey is that we all grieve differently. we all have different needs. I am careful not to hug someone else when I am not for certain it would be taken wrong. I may say the wrong thing. after everything i have been through, most people are best not to say anything other than I am sorry. But silence freaks most people out and they feel they need to stop the silence and start spewing garbage. But that is in the past. Six years have gone by. It is nothing but silence. That is okay with me other than I still want to scream.

My baby was dying and then she was dead. and her mommy misses her. Her mommy is all by herself. It is better that way. People are around me. Cassie is a constant, but this is not for her. It is not for anyone other than someone who has lost their family, someone who understands.

I am strong. I am fiercely independent. But at the moment, I am timid, weak, and have such a need to be held and to cry. Other things going on in my life add to this but this is not the issue at hand. My pain needs to be center stage. BUT I won't do that...read above. So I write to no one and to everyone. But this is temporary. It will pass. Life will continue. And I will smile again. Maybe even tomorrow. But if it takes a bit longer, I won't condemn myself. I will allow it my sadness.

Jeanne wrote well when she talked about diagnosis day being the day we begin to mourn. Thank God for Jeanne, Celeste, Mark, Audrey, Jerry, and the countless others who stood by me and still do. Well maybe Jerry can't.

I miss the emails between the three generations, Jeanne and Celeste. I miss being held by Mark on the porch swing looking at the stars with no words needing to be passed. I miss being comforted by Jerry in the middle of the night when I woke up screaming Savannah's name.

Jeanne had this on her web site. I am borrowing it. I know you don't mind.

"A wife who loses her husband is called a widow, a husband who loses a wife is called a widower, a child who loses his parents is called an orphan, but there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!"

- J.Neugeboren

Such wisdom. I have always admired true wisdom and looked down upon just talk. With that I call it an evening. I need to totally withdraw for the night.

Friday, October 17, 2008 1:38 PM CDT

October 30th
This morning while getting dressed, I realized that I was donning the same clothes I wore six years ago yesterday. Kind of freaky. I changed it up. But it got me reliving that day like it was yesterday. the images come at you so fast. They get all out of order. The emotions haven't hit me yet, just the flashbacks. Oh, I wish Jerry could hold me at times like this. He didn't come around until later, but was there for the last leg of our journey. However, he understands. He understands my sadness. He has found me in fetal position in a corner. Alas, he is also gone. Cassie still remembers how I used to love Halloween. I feel bad that I can't do that anymore for her. I wonder if my whole life, this will be a struggle?

Everything else is fine. My company is in a merger again. This will be company #5. Things are just going so well at work finally. I hate to see it change. It seems to finally be working.

To all the little pumpkins out there, have a Happy Halloween.
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Six years ago tomorrow is the day that Savannah got off the school bus, flailing her arms as if staggering drunk. I see her returning up into the school bus, throwing her arms around Fr. Charlie. I thought, 'what a drama queen! where did she learn this behavior? she is even talking like she had tipped the bottle too many times.' We went to get our hair cut. She tired almost immediately and began to doze while receiving a trim. That was the weirdest thing. (i guess it is not weird if you have a lightbulb sized tumor within your brainstem) She was out of it on the way home. It was like she was feverish, without a fever. Crysti and Randy had come over. they seemed so worried about her. Savannah layed down on the love seat. i told them she must have just caught a bug. but deep down i sensed something dreadful. the primortial fear that a few parents have ever had to experience. no reason YET to be worried, no logic behind it, just a feeling deep in your gut that simply says this is not good. which to me says this is very very bad. the first fear.

so many parents talk of beginning to mourn our child's death upon being told the prognosis. those that didn't were in denial. Even though we may have four months or 18 months to prepare for their death. when it happens you are in shock. aghhhh, that is for journal entries in march and april, not diagnosis time.

The 21st Savannah got her first misdiagnosis. The 28th Savannah got her second misdiagnosis. The 29th she received her final diagnosis, her death sentence.

I did one of my 180 turns the other night. went to bed feeling fine. as i began to drift off, i was thinking about Savannah. The more I thought of her, the sadder and more awake I became. I haven't had one of those instant changes in a long time. I had to get up. Don't know why it didn't dawn on me the time of year.

I cannot fathom the time that has passed. I cannot fathom the combined loss we have felt. I cannot even fathom that Savannah lived and died. I can no longer remember what she smelled like. I try to remember what her touch felt like. She had the prettiest blue eyes. She made me fall in love with blue eyes. She made me fall in love with red hair. She just made me fall in love. That is what having a baby is all about. You get to fall in love. With her is was as easy as breathing. I miss her.

Savannah should be 11 years old. Savannah should be about 5'and weigh about 95lbs. Savannah should be entering puberty and having attitude issues. Savannah should still have the boys fighting over who gets to play with her at recess. Savannah should still be calling Cassie, Sissie. Savannah should still be telling me that I am beautiful. Savannah should be starting Cotillion classes this year. Savannah should never have had a diffused pontine glioma.

Reality is different. She lived, she touched so many people in her seven years, and she died. I miss my baby. I miss her smile. I miss the way she threw her arms on her hips. I miss the way she would pin me down at night to sleep. I miss her logic. I miss her laughter. I miss her voice.

Savannah, dear, I keep you in my heart. I will forever miss you and mourn you.

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Life does not stop because you lose a child. Cassie is growing and a typical teenager now. I didn't even get a kiss yesterday when I got home from work. Just a 'mom, i am taking a shower now'. and an hour later she emerges with an attitude. Even though this is frustrating, it is wonderful. I am happy it is happening because she is alive and healthy and can be a typical teenager. some things i just no longer know anything about and I get the roll of the eyes. I take it in stride because the next minute she is laying down snuggled in tight on the sofa with me. she makes my life good.

She was asked to help out with Cotillion class this year. In fact, she is helping with year 1 and 2. And she made the quiz bowl team again. She said these are the only two things she wants to do for extra ciricular activities. fine with me.

Sparks is next weekend. I can't wait. It is supposed to be cold this year. Yeah! That means I shouldn't get sunburned in time for Halloween.

Thanks to everyone that keeps checking on me. So many kids have died lately. and i just couldn't deal with writing about it but it is time.

Thursday, July 24, 2008 4:01 PM CDT

Summer is flying by. Sparks OK was a blast as always. It was good to be back. I saw many people I have met there before. It is such a unique environment. There were probably in excess of 10K that Saturday night. Acres of bikes. For that matter, acres of people.

Visited friends and my cousin over the 4th in STL. Cassie and I had a blast even though we did our own thing.

I was able to take in a concert a couple weeks ago. Saving Abel, Rev Theory, Shinedown, Drowning Pool, Egypt Central, and Puddle of Mudd. I believe I have had ‘Blurry’ on this site several years ago. The bands were all great, but it was lame at the end. I suppose too much partying prior for Puddle of Mudd. I have seen them in the past and they were awesome. This time, just disappointing. Cassie stayed at home by herself that evening. That is a first for us. But she is growing up. Starting to untie those apron strings can be very difficult. That was one of those ‘first’ moments. Parenthood is grand. Maybe I just try to enjoy every little thing even if it hurts a bit.

The Seether song. Yes, I know the meaning behind it. And it is a great video. This is the second Seether song I have had on this site. Seen them in concert twice as well. It touches me. I still mourn. I mourn my child. I mourn my ex-husband. I mourn for others who have lost their spouses and parents. I mourn for the families whose lives have been torn apart by diffused pontine gliomas.

Thursday, June 26, 2008 10:54 AM CDT

Summer always seems so busy. Cassie is with her dad this week. I was missing her and she came and spent Tues and Wed with me. She got us back online at home yesterday. Called the trouble desk and was walked through whatever needed to be done. I am very proud of her.

Fred and I are heading out to Sparks, OK tomorrow for the annual summer run. it will be good to return. remember i had to miss going last October. Things should be safe now. We are going to meet up with old friends.

We have a new dog. His name is Conner. He is a two yr old golden retriever. He is such a good dog. When we rescued him, he was covered in fleas and ticks. We have been treating and it seems to no avail. The house is getting bombed and all the animals have been frontlined again. I have no idea how you can give a dog a long flea bath and the next day completely covered again. Conner stays right with Harley (Fred's Rot/Sheppard). They are buds. Cassie is in heaven.

Had my 21 yr anniversary with the company this month. it blows my mind. i have grown up here. Gone from the little girl fresh out of college to one of the last ones left.

The saddest news I have to share is about the dpg conference. Three years ago Cameron's mom Carla and her sister Toni found a way to fill a void. A conference designed specifically for us parents. A place to meet. To hold each other. To share stories. To connect with others who unfortunately have lived through the same hell and are struggling, struggling to live, struggling with our daily lives, struggling with the 'why's', struggling with the devestation to the families. It was the greatest experience of my life. to look into the eyes of another parent that had to watch their child die to the same beast. to understand that cancer in out children profoundly changed us as individuals, as parents, as friends. and we are not alone. we all met in Las Vegas. We cried. We shared. We grieved together. We mourned in a healthy way. we shared anger, frustration, saddness, confussion, frustration, fears, love.

we had a plan. we wanted to reach out. we wanted our children not to die in vain. since there was no choice in their lives, maybe we could help through their names in their honor. we, as a group, discussed HOW we could help others. We understood that WE can't even slow the numbers down, we can't extend the life of even one child, we can't find out why this cancer exists. the only thing that we can do is be there for other parents. They found a niche.

Unfortunately, there seems to be little interest. For those of us that started, we slowly move on, adjust to live after our children's death. They may no longer have the need to meet again. The pain may be too great. It may be difficult to meet parents new to grieving the loss of their son or daughter. This is understandable. It seems that there is no new interest. I would like to think that there is more support out there specifically for dpg parents.

Maybe next year. Maybe.

Friday, June 20, 2008 7:46 AM CDT

It has been a while, hasn't it?

Cassie and I are fine. We just got back from a week in FL. Mid vacation we visited Give Kids the World. We made our donations and went on the hunt for Savannah's star and her stones. We couldn't seem to locate her star last year. I knew approximately where it was but could never 'get there'. But we did find it. 'Savannah Hurley' plus 3 little drawn hearts on one of the beams. Oh how it breaks my heart to see all the new additions to the ceilings. It is filling up. Visiting the Village is always bittersweet. The volunteers up front thought Cassie had been the Wish Kid and were welcoming her back all excited. She told them her sister was the wish kid. hmmmmmm. no sister. The mood changed ever so slightly. cass and i walked out the mini golf course just to make the dinosaurs roar. then we got ice cream before we left. oh, while we were there, we heard the space shuttle reenter orbit. that was cool. a huge sonic boom. you could actually feel it. we found most of the stones. only two have her name. the others are in her honor.

we started off in ormond. i love going to the beach there. cassie did get me to go into the ocean a couple times with her. i would rather just watch it. no desire to get in. we were able to spend a little time with my sister and her family. cassie and peyton got along wonderfully. it really warmed my heart to watch them together. i wish we were closer. we had a good time with my parents. and then it was time to come home. nothing beats arriving home, sleeping in your bed, the cat on your lap, telling the dog to quit licking you. oh, i missed it.

it is good to be home.

Friday, April 25, 2008 2:00 PM CDT

Do you know how it feels to be in love? That physical feeling. The giddiness you feel when you think of or when you see the person. The tingling in your veins. I felt that this morning. I was remembering. I was remembering being so in love with God when Savannah was sick. I was remembering being so in love with Savannah and Cassie. I was remembering being so in love with Jerry. Everything became so alive. I know it was because Savannah was dying. A gift to get through that time. I still have Cassie. But thinking back and even today, I am one of the luckiest people in the world. I wonder if I ever want to open my heart to feel that intensity again. It scares me because of what I have lost. And nothing was in my control. I just had to stand by and deal with what was happening. Maybe it would be best if I just lock that part away because if I don’t, I will just get hurt. And I am tired. I can achieve that feeling in memories. Or maybe they will also start to fade. Sigh.

I remember dancing in the kitchen with my husband, my breath being taken away just by his closeness. Then I remember the delusions and threats. I remember nursing my youngest daughter. Then I remember the sound of her last breath. I remember seeing God in everything good. Then I remember God taking my daughter home with him. Can I open my heart again to that extreme, or should I just remain happy with where I am at?

I am happy right now. That feeling made me so happy. Maybe it is worth it? Life hurts.

I was thinking of God. I was thinking of all the people who tried to destroy my relationship with God during Savannah’s illness. They come in the guise of Christians. Wolves in sheep’s clothing. They talk of healing if I pray. They talk of healing if I switch churches. They want to lay hands. They say evil caused my child’s cancer. They condemn my faith. They pray. In reality, they do NOTHING but make themselves feel good. Arrogance, pride, ignorance, stupidity. They had no shame. They should have. They came out of the woodwork. Like roaches when the lights are off. They couldn’t break me. I could see through them. Those sorry individuals who thought themselves holy or on the right path. It is sad to look back and see how empty these people were. God and I were tight. It was almost a love affair. The way it should be. But they tried to destroy us. It was bad enough my daughter was dying. They have to attack my relationship with our maker. Lost and evil. Or maybe just not using the greatest God given gift they had, their brain. I wish they would have thought about what they were doing instead of hurting those already hurting. Just pathetic and blind.

I received pictures in the mail yesterday of Savannah when she was at her daycare as a toddler. Ms. Mary couldn’t have picked a better time. I cried and smiled simultaneously looking at them. The extremes again. That intensity of love and the finalness of death. Tears of joy for looking at my baby. Tears of sadness because she is dead. Smiling because of the time I had with her. And smiling because of the time I was allowed to keep her with us.

The calendar tells me the time draws near. Four years. It seems like yesterday, but it feels like I just watched it on TV. Surreal.

Please visit Carson’s site. www.caringbridge.org/visit/carsonruffa Leave a message. It is so important.

Bless everyone that comes hear still to check on us. Have a wonderful weekend.

Friday, April 11, 2008 12:58 AM CDT

Sat April 12th
well, so much for me feeling stable during these days. I feel like I am sinking. I was over busy today. Trying to fight the feeling. Cassie just busted me out. I wasn't crying. Yet. but she had to come and check out my eyes. i wanted to snap at her and didn't. maybe i did. i don't know. when will it end? The flashbacks have started again. i guess that is normal. why wouldn't it be? my cave beckons. i want to say to hell with everyone and with life. isolation. sounds comforting. i can reach out to Savannah. the place in my mind when i can once again be close to her. i think it is called depression to the rest of the world. i hope i don't push everyone away this time. at least no matter what, Cassie has my back. Others do to, I know. But I think those who live this understand what I am saying.

I did read the posts. thank you.

Brandi, mid Jun. It would be so wonderful. the last time was their wedding.

Sharon, dry, at least 'til Thur. And I still have stickers I just got together for the little boy across the street.

Pam, you guys get what passes through us. was in STL Fri before St Pat's. Had to get an Amigetti's special. Yummmmmmmm.

Okay, the tears have tried momentarily. Time to get back to family.
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It has been over a month since I have written. Our snow has turned to rain. and more rain. and more rain. streets under water. roads washed out. the damage to our aerial cable and poles has been scattered but frequent. i can't keep up with it at the office.

I seem to be handling this time of year rather well this time. It may be because my thoughts and pain have been focused on a family who means the world to me.

Cassie looked radiant for her final Cotillion Ball. We both had out hair cut since then. Mine was long enough to donate again to Locks of Love, so I am sporting a very short cut. Cassie's is a bit longer than mine. I did mine in honor of what would have been Savannah's 11th birthday.

I went up to Rolla for the 100th Best Ever party over St. Pat's. I hung out with several GDI alums. Did the college thing again. I can't believe most of us lived in substandard conditions while in school. We even had a GDI alumni float. I checked out the pics of the parade on the UMR web site and it seems the majority are of our float. It was so comfortable to be one of the guys once more.

Earlier this week some photographers came to do a shoot for the annual report. I will probably be editted out but it was still nice to be away from the office for a day yet still be doing business stuff.

I got my first notification from Carla (Cameron's mom) about the 3rd annual DPG conference in Vegas this year. It will be Aug 3rd - 5th or 6th. It will be open to all parents or friends of families who have been affected by this horrible brain tumor. I will post more info on it as I receive it.

Cassie and I are planning on visting my parents this June. I know we will go back to GKTW. So I am already starting to gather stuff to take. I got a bunch of stickers yesterday and put them aside. Kids love stickers. Most of you remember how much Savannah loved stickers towards the end of her life. Ah, Savannah's 'magic place'.

Cassie attended a poetry reading last week. It was wonderful. The kids got extra credit for reading their own poetry. This is twice we have been. And both times I kept thinking about the poet that graces this site with her work. Cassie's poem was about cleaning out the cat's litterbox. It was quite cute.

Watercolors fade. Yesterday I threw away one of Savannah's final pictures. It was so washed out. You could no longer make out her name or anything else on it. Is that why people say time heals. Is it our memories start to fade as this watercolor has? I am watching my child grow into a young woman. There was always a spitfire right behind her. I still can't shake that. I can't make it go away. It was and is real. Cassie does have a younger sister. And I will always love and miss my littlest. Anniversaries say we are in hospice time now. Then it was over.

I shared a very special bottle of strawberries and cream wine. There were no stories to share other than it was nectar. I shared with the same person that gave us the garlic with the grapefruit wine story.

Peace to all. I imagine up and down days lie ahead of me for the next few weeks. I will embrace them. I do feel closer to Savannah when I am down. Probably because all my time is concentrated on her and my loss. Selfish yes. But I have every right to be selfish. She was and still is and will always be my child.

Friday, March 7, 2008 11:09 AM CST

Cassie's party was a hit. Everybody had a lot of fun. the amount of kids was perfect. Cassie even surprised me. they didn't do much dancing but a lot of pool and flashlight tag (I disappeared for this). It was a good event to have in the new game room. in the middle of the party Rick and Carlyn show up with flowers for Cassie. they do this every year during her party. someday she may catch on.

Tues we woke to 10" of snow. it was quite unexpected. they had talked about maybe a little snow. the NONlake side of the mountain got 13". Cass and I were out making snow angels at 6:30am. By 8am we were 4 wheeling. Watched a couple movies all cuddled up. Then built a snow man thatended up being a woman. so me being the crazy one had to dress her. then the kids built a 4 1/2' tall fort. it was such a great day. the next day, it was almost 70. i do love snow when it dissappears that fast. yesterday, another front was coming through. up to a foot was predicted. snow starts, schools shut down, the grocery stores are packed, and it never gets below 33 degrees. we may have had a foot of snow fall but nothing really stuck. but it was good business for the grocery and video stores. it may get bad tonight when the temp finally drops. so today is not a play day for me. We hadn't had snow like this since the winter of '87/'88. Except it stayed for a while then.

a couple evenings ago i overheard Cassie on the phone. she had said something that made my heart sing. i heard her say, 'she turns 11 on the 9th.' i know she was talking about her sister but it is the tense she used. she turns 11, not she would have been 11. hmmm, that just made me start crying. i guess it is just a desperate mother's attempt to keep her child alive. anyway, it made me happy, now thinking about it makes me sad.

Cassie had her formal Cotillion dinner on Wed. The kids were all watched on using the utensils properly, etc. I wonder if this will ever stick? The spring ball is on Sat. That should complete all the extra ciricular activies for her this school yr.

I am missing Savannah alot. Jerry even called and has been having issues with it. That will always be something that the two of us share alone. The intimate moment of her death. Watching her die and not being able to stop it. I know others were around and saw but they didn't have that connection. Mother to child connection is the greatest in the world. I am sure there are crappy moms that don't have that and there are superb dads that do but gnerally speaking. the bond Savannah and Jerry had is something you don't see every day. something i have never seen before in my life. so he has a right to mourn her to the extreme that he does. dates are something he used to not understand with me. all these anniversaries that we remember. now that he is no longer a real part of our lives, the dates are starting to hit him.

I have a special bottle of wine for her birthday. Strawberry and cream. Made in her honor and in the honor of another family that I have become a part of.

I feel lost again today. this week I have been feeling great, then it hits you. can't pinpoint it. but dates must have something to do with it. i am ready to crawl into a cave. Actually, i think i did last night. i just want to be left alone. Birthdays are supposed to be happy occasions.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008 11:28 AM CST

Things haven't slowed down any here. The paperwork from the storm damage is starting to come across my desk. I have to work on it in baby steps otherwise it is quite overwhelming.

Cassie has her birthday 'dance' party on Friday. A teenager. It causes many mixed emotions. Last Sat was the beginning of them. I need to get this out of my system fast before it destroys Cassie's special day. I woke up Saturday just wanting to cry. Fred and I were going to lay the floor in the extension for Cassie's party that day. And I am on the verge of a breakdown. The carpet was for the party. Which means Cassie has a birthday. Which means Savannah doesn't. Cassie will be 13. Savannah is supposed to be just about 11. But she has been cheated and will be forever 7. That bout lasted until the afternoon. I just don't feel like it has run its course yet. I just need to get past March 2nd for Cassie. Then I have until the 9th for my pity party.

I don't want to sound all negative. The rest of the days have been pleasant. Very busy. And I did do something this morning. Maybe it would be best to call it a birthday present for Savannah. I had all my hair cut off this morning to be donated to Locks of Love. For those who have been visiting this site for a long time, you will remember that I did this the summer prior to Savannah's death. I had been trying to find a place that would make Savannah a wig out of my hair when she began chemo. Her hair just got thin and she asked if I just send my hair it in so another little girl on chemo will have a wig. It is about the same cut, real short up the back so more inches can be donated.

It is hard to believe that in just a few short days, I will have a teenager in the house. Happy Birthday Cassandra!!!XXXXOOOOOXXXX

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 4:04 PM CST

I have had a few phone calls and some posts checking on us after the tornadoes here. I figured I would just update on what happened and what is still happening.

Last Tues at 4:45pm the sirens went off. I checked the weather channel and everything seemed to be just to the east of us. Apparently, as soon as they went off Cassie headed across the street to our neighbors. I decided it was best to remain at the office. About 10 minutes later they went off again. That was when there was a touchdown in Atkins, about 10 miles from here. I went home. We watched everything on the news for the rest of the night. They even had pictures of the tornado from Russellville looking to Atkins. One of the people at my office knew the family that lost their lives. And others knew several of the people that lived through it. Small towns, you know. 123 miles on the ground. F3 I heard when it started here.

Wed morning, in route to Morrilton, we passed the section that it tore across the interstate. There were two semis crumpled up in a field along with a couple vehicles but they were too far away. The vehicles were flung from the interstate. The path was .2 miles wide there. I knew we were all going to have a very busy week.

Some things struck me as odd. You know ‘they’ tell you to get down in a ditch or something if you are caught. This tornado followed the contour of the land. The peaks suffered just as much devastation as the valleys. There were dead featherless roosters. Sucked the feathers right off. I even came upon ½ a chicken. Not partially eaten or anything, just pulled in half. One of our splicers found a cancelled check belonging at a house that was blown away. Except where he found it was several miles back where the tornado had already passed through. I even came across a 4 ½ foot black snake. They should be hibernating now. Just wonder if was within a tree roots.

Thursday I entered another part of Atkins that was hard hit. The power company was goin’ to town. I made the decision to leave and get out of the power company’s way. New crews from everywhere camped out. The Red Cross was already set up. FEMA was entering as we were leaving. And even a few military trucks were arriving.

As of today, most of the service has been restored to the homes left standing. The area had been cleaned up to the point that in some area you can’t even tell there were houses ever there. The debris has been removed and/or burned. You can still follow the path by the broken trees, many broken close to the ground.

We are safe. There are many stories of miracles that happened on week ago today. I am amazed that with destruction like that not more people lost their lives.

Monday, February 4, 2008 1:04 PM CST

A new picture. I wrote earlier about never having new ones to add, but i still have a few that have not made it here yet. So i will share.

I seem to be out of my funk. At least temporarily. In fact, I am even listening to Evanescence without crying right now. Cassie brought up her sister this weekend. She was laughing and wanting to share Savannah stories. It was music to my ears. She talked about how her sister was her best friend. They did do everything together. And that is how they wanted it. My sister and I did not have that type of relationship. I am glad they had it even if it was just a few short years.

Last week we were without power. We had a horrible wind storm. i watched shingles just fly off of the roofs. Jerry even called to check on me a couple days into it. I guess Russellville made some news with the extensive damage. They had crews come help from a couple other states. I am still wondering were all the shingles went to. I think there must be a shingle fairy out there. for all the houses with bald spots you would think that the ground would be littered with them. but i saw so few. I didn't loose any, but being without power until Thur afternoon was enough. And so many people down here have heat pumps. Even with power being restored, when your house starts off in the low 40s it takes a day for it to get warm. Cassie and I stayed in town at Fred's house at night. A big thank you to him for allowing us to invade his space.

Cassie was supposed to have her district quiz bowl on Sat. it was cancelled because many of the schools were closed on thur due to snow. they changed the date to this sat. Cassie was livid. Sat she takes the ACT. A couple kids told her that she will do poorly on the test because she is in the 7th grade anyway so she should go to quizbowl. i like her response. she said it doesn't matter how bad she does on it. what is important is she was invited to take it in the 7th grade and that fact alone will look good when it comes time for college. that was a good 'pat on momma's back' moment. she and i have been working on a bit of preparation. she has done much better than i expected.

her birthday is coming up. she wants to have a dance party in the extension. we have got to get carpeting. there was another foul up and it should be here on thur. Fred is done with the back except for the flooring (which includes the shower tile). I have really gotten quite used to him being at the house. It is nice.

Hopefully now the days will seem a bit brighter. The fog will lift. A warm breeze will surround me. And we can all have a little peace. The pain will never cease, but we all just have to find a comfort place in dealing with it.

And again I want to thank the PC clan for just being who you are. And to everyone else who consistantly checks on us and who have been touched by an angel, Savannah.

Jerry informed me that he is having a Phoenix painted on the gas tank of his bike and Savannah's name written on the back fender. I guess it won't be the Savannah Hurley Harley. It will be the Savannah Phoenix. Kind of took my breath away. I asked if someday I may be able to see it. I would like a picture of it. We will see. If I get a pic, I will put it up here. After all, would this not be the perfect place for it?

Monday, January 14, 2008 4:08 PM CST

Friday Jan 18th
I added an updated picture of Cassandra in the photo section at the bottom. She is growing up so fast. I caught her wearing makeup the last two days to school. i didn't tell her to wash her face. i didn't know what to do. i always figured i would make her wait until she was older. but i tell you. she did a real good job. it was barely there. and it looked good. a couple people have told me that times have changed. i understand that. but wow! in mommy's face. time refuses to stand still.

as i write this, Savannah's pic from her first christmas is on the side of the screen. i will never have any of my youngest growing up. because she won't ever grow up. she won't ever get older. of course it makes me down but it makes me realize all the more to enjoy every stage of a child's life, even into adulthood.

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you know, i really am one of the luckiest people on the face of the earth.

i hurt so much right now. but i smile ever so slightly. i miss my child. i miss my ex husband. both are gone forever. but both are in my heart. i was blessed to be called mommy. and i was blessed to have a man give up everything for the Hurley Girls. Even in my loss and my tears i recognize how special my life has been.

all my friends that held my hand in the insane journey called grief. and those who again will do it for me as i grieve my marriage. i was just asked about my crazy ex husband. it hurt me. even though we can't be together doesn't mean he could help it. he was given a brief moment of stability. just enough time for us. then his world collapsed and my love for him couldn't save him. unfortunately Cassie and I were collateral damage. i failed him as i did my child. i know that isn't rational, but it is just the way your mind works when you get in the dark place. oh, that dark place...it causes depression and exhaustion. so welcoming. something else has been happening, too. questioning the motives of others. so cynical i have become. or maybe i see the truth and it just hurts and makes me feel like a bad person. i know none of this is right but it is hard to not let your mind take you places. i remember a couple yrs back talking to a friend of mine about her hormonal changes. The horror stories she told me. almost delusional. i guess the connection i am making is that i realize that where my mind wanders probably isn't accurate and i need to ride out the storm. i think i am entering the depression part of losing my husband. truth be known, i have been her for about a month.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008 7:40 AM CST

A very Happy New Year to all our visitors.

Christmas was wonderful yet horrible at the same time. Cassie and I shared it with my cousin and friends. I had so many happy moments. And then would weep uncontrollably. This seemed to happen every day for a couple weeks. It was not just for Savannah not being there. It was also for the loss of my husband. The pain is so deep. Again, it is put in my face that we really have no control. I do have every intention of having 2008 be a much better year. I don't know how I would have survived 2007 without my friends.

New Year's was quiet. We stayed at the Hurley abode and had a friend over. They played monopoly and I slept until it was time to ring the New Year in. I am so lame.

The ornaments were the most difficult. How many were given to the girls in pairs since they were infants? So many have written on the back...Savannah or Cassandra and the year. Or even hand made ones or purchased ones with all of our names on it. Cassie had even asked that I put the ones with her father's name on the tree. Then the ones with Jerry's name also went up. I figured Cassie was right. All of them are a part of our lives, a part of Christmas's past. And therefore, worthy or going on the tree. Afterall, the back of the tree needs decorations, too.

Seriously, I wish everyone a year full of peace and comfort.

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