Tomorrow marks the third anniversary from the date when I first received news that an aggressive rectal cancer (stage IV, metastatic) had appeared in my body. Bill and I were not sure I would be alive at Christmas that year, yet here I am and SO grateful to be here. It’s my faith, my family, and my friends—and a GREAT medical team—that have helped me throughout this journey. Rejoice with me today as Bill and I head to Duluth to celebrate my mom’s 88th birthday, which is Sunday.

Psalm 40:2-3a perfectly describes my journey these last three years: “He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth.”

“He brought me out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay.” I remember the pit so clearly because my doctor called the day before my mom’s birthday to give me news about the cancer.  Then the pit just kept getting deeper: 

July 2021

A lymph node biopsy

A procedure to put a port into my upper right chest wall

Three colonoscopy preps in three weeks for various procedures

Colostomy surgery

The start of chemo

August 2021

A stop of chemo because I developed a clostridioides difficile (C. Diff.) infection

Hospitalized for a few days including my birthday

Restarting chemo

September 2021

Another pause of chemo because my cell counts were way too low.

The loss of my hair.

The beginning multiple rounds of chemo over the next few months

Not being able to see family or friends because my immune system was so weakened

October 2021

Good news! The tumor had shrunk, my numbers were good, and I could return to a normal life, but I was SO weak.

December 2021-March 2022

Multiple infusions of Keytruda - immunotherapy

Physical therapy for cancer rehabilitation

April 2022

Healthy enough to return to work at the library

May 2022-April 2023 

Immunotherapy every six weeks

February 2023

A disconcerting symptom

March 2023

Tests showed the cancer had returned.

April/May 2023

28 days (M-F) in a row of radiation

2 rounds of chemotherapy, each 24 hours a day for four days

Diarrhea starting in late May

July 2023

Diarrhea was out of control; losing over a gallon of fluid through my colostomy every day

Hospitalized for a total of 14 days

Given multiple anti-diarrheal medications, including opium

In spite of test results to the contrary, the diarrhea was labeled “autoimmune colitis” – Stage 4 (Stage 5 is death)

It took a year before it completely cleared.

 And all the PET scans since May 2023 have been good, including the one just a couple weeks ago.

“He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock”: God first took me out of an emotional/spiritual/psychological pit and set my feet upon a rock. That rock is my faith. Someone asked at the time, was I mad at God? The answer was a genuine, “No.” Of course, I didn’t like my circumstances, but rather than getting angry with God, I chose to dwell in his presence. One thing that really helped was a book a dear friend sent me: Be Still, my Soul: Embracing God’s Purpose and Provision in Suffering (25 Classic and Contemporary Readings on the Problem of Pain). God also used your prayers and encouragement to pull me from the pit. I have saved every card people sent. I have every text message. I saved every comment on CaringBridge. When the days got tough, I re-read those to lift my spirits.

“He has established my goings.” At first, I felt useless. I couldn’t work at the library. I couldn’t work at church. I couldn’t visit family or friends. I couldn’t . . . couldn’t . . . couldn’t. But then with the help of my wonderful cancer counselor, Sarah, God showed me how to make meaning out of my despair. I started writing here more often. I made a book of the family photos and stories for my children, as well as a cookbook of the family recipes. But then I came to a realization that I didn’t always have to be doing something. Rev. Dr. Chad Bird, in his book Your God is too Glorious: Finding God in the most Unexpected Places, writes this: “In thin places thick with suffering, sweat, tears, and common duties like washing dishes and changing diapers, he will be present” (p. 34). And he was. It was ok if all I could do was sit in the recliner and crochet. It was ok if all I could do was take a nap in the hammock swing. All of my weakness was simply ok. I think of Psalm 73:26: “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

“And he hath put a new song in my mouth”: Most people who go through a major trial say that although they would not want to go through it again, they would not want to lose the lessons God taught them through that trial. I agree. I so appreciate what Rev. Dr. Chad Bird has to say: “. . . our Father’s blessings are not as easy to spot as brightly wrapped, bow-tied packages under the Christmas tree. They’re often covered in brown paper under the bloody tree of the cross. . . trials and temptations, burdens and losses, are where God is most active to bring his grace into our lives. Counting your blessings incudes counting your crosses, for Christ is hidden in suffering to lead us toward the blessings he desires for us” (p. 91).

One HUGE blessing that the Lord has given me is my husband, Bill. He has been by my side through every moment of this journey. He has driven literally thousands of miles to take me to medical appointments. He has sat through hundreds of hours of chemotherapy and infusion appointments. He has sat up with me in the night when I had panic attacks. He cleaned up poop when I have had horrible ostomy bag accidents. He bought me spring rolls when no other food seemed appealing. Innumerable times he set aside his own needs to take care of mine. And he did all of this without a word of complaint. He demonstrated to me such grace and kindness and patience and, most of all, love.

As I close, I think of the first verse of the hymn “Be Still, My Soul”:

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on your side; 

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain; 

Leave to your God to order and provide; 

In ev'ry change He faithful will remain. 

Be still, my soul; your best, your heav'nly Friend 

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

A huge answer to prayer ! I am off ALL anti-diarrheal medications! It has been over a year since the autoimmune colitis started, and now I am back to normal. Praise God!

Prayer requests:

Bill will be having the Mohs procedure on July 2 to remove basal cell carcinoma from his temple.

My next PET scan is scheduled for August 15, and a follow-up with my oncologist is a couple days later. If that scan is fine, then on August 22, I will be having surgery to revise my already-replaced knee. Please pray that I can manage the pain through the summer and simply enjoy each day. I have stepped away from work for now because it was too hard on my knee.

And, once again, thank you for your prayers. They truly make a difference. Blessings, my friends!