I wish I had more in common with Shakira, but it seems as though the only similarity is that our hips don’t lie.  For very different reasons, of course, but I can relate to hearing a song that makes you want to dance and shake your hips (I wish I could dance like Shakira, but I’m more like the inflatable tube man). What’s not a favorite feeling of mine is when my hips start aching, because I know that means that I’m plateauing on my current treatment and/or the cancer is progressing.  MY HIPS DON’T LIE!! I guess one of the positives (please help me find another word) to come from all this mess is that I know my body very well and know when I need to advocate for myself.   It took me almost two months last fall to get out of the clinical trial debacle and feel OK again and then I felt three decent months of stability (January, February, March).  Towards the end of March my tumor markers started to increase around the same time I started to feel pain in my hips—oh no—I knew the chemo was no longer working—my hips don’t lie—every single time my hips start to ache a treatment change is imminent.  My oncologist increased the chemo to a “dose dense” treatment, which I did not tolerate well at all.   It was once every three weeks and I only had two treatments. I experienced fevers, chills, nausea, neuropathy, and LOTS of pain—from my toenails to my hair follicles—much of which has not subsided; and all my hair is gone! 

Like most chapters in life there have been some highs and lows since the beginning of April.  I always end up ruminating both, which creates excessive thoughts and  anxiety (why can’t I have a nothing box…).  We celebrated Danny’s 40th with a big surprise party (yes, I’m older😉), celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary, and we had a nice getaway with my parents to National Harbor.  But for the most part I’ve been sidelined with bone, muscle, and joint pain and it hasn’t been fun!  I am definitely in a slump really missing my old cancer-free life, which truthfully I don’t even remember sometimes, since it was so long ago.  I’m having a lot of “woe is me” moments lately—but like any slump—I will see my way out of it with time.  I am still practicing equanimity, but a far way off from being a master—I’m just a little grasshopper!  

I thrive off routine and consistency and the last few weeks has been everything but—challenging my patience and rendering me to “fake healthy” and live uncomfortable in the grind—such is life with this metastatic disease!  I’m still working full-time and attempting to manage treatments—it’s not for the faint hearted—stability and consistency would be best for my endurance.  While I try not to let cancer define me it’s incredibly difficult to skirt around something that plays an awfully big role in my health and livelihood.  Once I feel like I’ve hit a stride things always seem to change.  And that is incredibly defeating, frustrating, and exhausting.  But I must RALLY ON.  Don’t get me wrong I have contemplated giving up and throwing in the towel, but there’s this gruff voice deep down inside that won’t let me—I like to call him “Danny.”  I knew from the very beginning of my metastatic diagnosis that I’d be facing an Iron Man of sorts, so please pray that I remain resilient and resolute to RALLYING ON, because the physical, mental, emotional, and psychological stamina that it takes to tirelessly endure cancer treatments, while working full-time and attempting to find some joy in-between is incredibly strenuous.  I was diagnosed so young that I hadn’t really thought about or prepared for a critical illness outside of the benefits provided by my place of employment (which are excellent), so I encourage everyone especially if you’re young and healthy (while the premiums are low) to explore the various policies available to protect you (and your loved ones) in the event of critical illness—before you have a disease that is considered a life-sentence to pre-existing conditions.  And if there is any part of your body that your spidey sense is telling you doesn’t feel right, please get checked out immediately, because quite often (like Shakira and I) your hips don’t lie!!! 

Medical Update 

My oncologist seems quite impressed with my intuitive nature that my hips don’t lie paired with rising tumor markers and debilitating pain, she decided that it is time to move on to another line of treatment.  In order to do so I’m getting scans done next week, a liquid biopsy to see what is feeding my tumor and the results will provide us with some treatment options—including clinical trials. Those results should be available in the next 10-14 days. I’m now in a washout period to make sure my body is ready for a new line of treatment.  This is obviously a blow for me.  I am so hopeful and prayerful to find a treatment to sustain me for much longer than three to six months and that will provide me a decent quality of life.  My oncologist compassionately reminded me that we still have many treatment options and that there are many new treatments and therapies on the horizon for advanced-stage breast cancer.  I just got to keep the faith.  

“At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can.” (Frida Kahlo)

~Perelman, 3rd Floor West Wing~