Five years ago today ... also May 12, also a Sunday, also Mother's Day.

Five years ago today is the last time I touched you while life pulsed through your body.  I remember standing by your head and singing quietly into your ear, stroking your chiseled jaw line.  "You're alright, you're alright, Mommy loves her baby.  Hold tight, don't fight, Mommy loves her little boy."  That diddy I made up calmed us both down at both the beginning ---and end :(    --- of your life.

Five years ago today is the last time I smelled you.  And no, sadly, the smell of you captured in your tshirts doesn't last this long.  Even if the shirt is in a ziploc bag. Even if the bag is sealed.  Even if you have rules that don't let you open the bag very often. :(

Some recent gifts ...

• Beautiful flowers with a sentiment that someone shares our sorrow this day - twice with one bouquet from a group that didn't even know you and just recently met me.
• Midnight texts that help me know another is remembering and hurting and crying along with me.
• Texts and calls throughout the day that let us know others are remembering you ... and us.
• Someone who didn't know you asking me "Tell me about Erik."
• Someone at school commenting "I was a freshman when he was a senior.  Did he ever go on to fight fires?"
• Contact from people ... some that we haven't heard from in awhile ... to remind us that you are not forgotten.
• The family including you on 90th birthday phone calls to Papa and Geejaw.  Your cousin commented "Of course he should be represented.  He's part of our family."

My sister sent a link to the song Scars in Heaven by Casting Crowns.  I love this part:
           "Until I'm standing with you in the sun,
                 I'll fight this fight and this race I'll run
                      Until I finally see what you can see."

This reminds me of God's promise.  We WILL be together again someday.  Until then, God calls me to comfort others in the same way that others show God's love to me here on earth.  I know I'm not the only one still hurting, still missing you, still overcome with sorrow and tears when I re-realize that you're gone and yet ...

... I will choose the thin red thread of hope, because we believe Christ defeated death
... I will proclaim gratitude, because I am blessed by family and friends that show up ... still
... I will seek joy, because I trust God's unfathomable love and His promises

Five years down Erik.  Until we meet again...  💔 Mom