Not too long before I found out about my cancer, the watchband on my wristwatch died.  After lots of effort to find a replacement, I finally accepted that none would be found and I reluctantly stopped wearing a watch.  Keeping track of TIME and being on TIME had always been very important to me.  But I somehow let that go….

Then when I began this CaringBridge journal last July, I was not sure how much TIME I would have.  Nor did I know how frequently I would want to post something.  Nor if I would have TIME to visit my family.  Nor if my book would be published and my Jubilee celebrated before my passing. 

Strangely, and providently, TIME has felt abundant since not wearing a watch and learning of my pervasive cancer last April 19.  Each day has felt like a bonus, in slow speed!  I have continued to feel well, to be filled with joy, and to be grateful for each moment of life.  Cancer has been a grace.  Each moment since June 19 has mattered.  And wisdom has guided me about how to live the TIME I have.

A few weeks ago, my friend Dan Cellucci posted his weekly DIAL (Discerning Leadership About Leadership) for the Catholic Leadership Institute.  I asked his permission to share it with you!  https://www.catholicleaders.org/news/when-its-time  His tender farewells to his cousin Giovanni in Roma resonate with my own recent passing on my books to Bonnie and Agnes, my recent visits from out-of-town visitors Steve and Lucille and Jenn, and my musings about my upcoming trips to Rougemont, Topsail Island, and Saxapahaw, all in NC this coming June.

Be assured that my own death does not feel close enough to offer FINAL farewells to people in my life with whom I have precious visits.  But a FINAL farewell to a treasured book is another matter and bittersweet!

Ironically though, none of us know which farewells are FINAL ones.  Yet, cancer is helping me be open and aware of that possibility.  I am not pinching anyone’s cheeks, as Dan did, nor welling up with tears at the goodbyes in my life these days.  I did deeply hug my nurse Carlee though on her last day working where I go for chemo a few weeks ago.  And I paid more than usual attention to the First Communion Mass at my parish this spring, drawing in the Paschal Mystery and the beauty of the Feast.  And then Pentecost too, this past Sunday!  I try to stop and resolve any tension or disagreements between me and those I care about before they settle into unwanted memories.  I savor recipes I might not make ever again.  I nod to the deer as they pass by my window.  And I am re-reading a few books I’ve loved.

Today I learned that my cancer is no longer responding to the chemo and immunotherapy I have been on since last summer.  So it is TIME to switch to a new concoction that may help.  As Dr Stanisic says, my body is losing steam, even as I remain pain-free and symptom-free, thank God!  But this is a new moment in this cancer journey.  A new TIME.  I do not know what this next chapter will be like.  However, my spirit remains strong and each day I give thanks for my wonderful life and all its blessings, over and over, not knowing when it will be TIME to say farewell and let it all go.