I probably should have paid attention to the voices in my head and not driven to Oak Harbor this afternoon.  I was definitely reluctant to do so.  It wasn't that I didn't want to see Deloris; it was more of a sense that a visit was unnecessary.  Deloris would not remember much, if anything, from my visit and, given the timing (late afternoon) I fully expected to find her napping in a recliner.   Conversation and actual exchanges on anything other than an energy level have lessened over the past several visits.  Whether this is indicative of a change in Deloris's condition or merely her post-dinner-naptime energy level, I don't know.  I suspect a little of each.  After ruminating about the futility,  I switched sides and the rationalizations justifying the excursion, scrolled out:  I needed gas for my car and it is substantially cheaper in OH; I can buy groceries; I had nothing else on my calendar or on my ToDo Today list.  And, it's not an obligation; rather visiting with Deloris gives me if not joy then at the least a connection, physical and energetic, to an emotion I appreciate as love.  And then, there are days like today. 

Deloris was sitting in the dining room at a table for six when I arrived shortly before 4:00.  Staff was gathering all the residents in preparation for supper.  In front of Deloris was a small cup with chocolate cake and whipped topping in it, which I assumed was an uneaten afternoon snack.  Thati chocolate that close to Deloris and she hadn't immediately eaten it was a slight surprise.  I think its presence had probably slipped out of her awareness as she was focused on a newsletter in front of her.  Out of sight, out of mind.  even with chocolate.   When I pointed out the cake and brought it to her attention, she began eating it. I didn't bother to inquire as to its quality.  I assumed it was the same as the white cakes -- acceptable, per Deloris. 

This afternoon, moreover, she was not interested in talking.  Her monosyllabic responses to my questions conveyed a sense that I was disturbing her and she preferred I not ask her any more questions or involve her in conversation.  The printed word had taken hold and, however sparse the newsletter's content, it still needed to be read, more than once.  That was the purpose of "the printed word" which Deloris supported. 

I did have a conversation with another resident who was sitting next to me.  She became very talkative and seemed to want to engage me in conversation.  I don't know if the conversation made any sense to her, since she chose topics.  None of it made any logical sense to me; however, I fell back into that space where I had similar conversations with Deloris while also subconsciously treating the exchange as an improv gibberish game.  It seemed to work and I was happy to have been able to satisfy some socialization needs the resident (whose name I never knew.)   

When it became clear Deloris was going to stay in her internal space, in which I was somewhat of an unwanted distraction, and I became bored with the other conversation, it was time to leave.  Feeling no rejection, I gave Deloris a kiss goodbye and left.  

I don't think there is much to read into the events today.  Deloris did not look or act as if anything was wrong or she was troubled by some thought or memory.  Rather it just seemed like a lack of interest in any human exchange beyond bare necessity.  I can certainly accept that desire without attaching any significance into it.  I'll wait to see how Deloris feels and acts the next time I see her.  If she remains detached, withdrawn, then I will probably talk with staff for their take and more information.  At the same time, I'm not sure why I am concerned.  Today's behavior was a bit out of the ordinary; while not demonstrative or communicative, Deloris has seemed glad to see me in the past and did not convey any feeling I was unwelcome.  We've all been there in one form or another.   Deloris is, I remind myself, less than 2 months short of her 90th birthday; introvert-ish by nature; suffering from dementia brought on at least in part by a stroke which affected her short term memory and executive functioning.  And, she's been living at Regency 3 years next week. So, she's entitled to feeling and acting however she wants and, so long as its not physically dangerous,  I'm  good with whatever is, or is not, happening. Curious and also want to prepare if there is anything to prepare for.   So, only future visits will shed light on this question.  

Hopefully, in the next days I will have the interpretation of my stress test results and know what, if anything, will help me with my feeling tired all the time! Until then, I will enjoy our beautiful weather, hope to see the Aurora Borealis, and welcome whatever happens with hugs, love, and laughter.