This morning I looked in the mirror at my body that is still about 45 pounds heavier than it was Pre-Abby, even though I've already lost quite a bit. My immediate thought was that I don't want to lose anymore weight, and I even commented on how selfish and silly I feel now for all of the comments that I made about losing weight as soon as I had her. It sounds weird, but it feels like getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight would be a betrayal. Like it would be me moving on and leaving a part of her behind. Those sorts of things go through my mind constantly, and I have to reconcile those conflicting thoughts with balance.

But I do sleep with her elephant, and had a freak-out moment last week when I left her memory box in my friends car. She was so sweet, I'm sure that I sounded like her 3 year old daughter when I called her bawling, but she lovingly comforted me and even brought it to me.

I don't think that there is a right or wrong way to grieve. As long as you go through the pain and not try to avoid it...which is a whole topic that I'm struggling with, but I'll leave details for another day.

I am prompted to write about this because today I ordered a Molly Bear from a Non Profit Organization that makes weighted bears for families that lost their babies. My Abby was 6 pounds and 2 ounces, and I can't wait to feel the weight of her again! Though it will take about 6 months before I actually receive it, I'm so looking forward to having another tangible reminder of my Sweet Girl!

Her Elephant and Memory Box. My Abby Grace!