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1/14/2017 Latest post:
I was having the year of my life. A year ago I was spending Christmas in Philly with my sister and our family. I turned 40 and I LOVE being 40. So weird, I know, but I feel so comfortable in my own skin. I got to spend an amazing week in Mexico with Andrea. Nothing about that week was not perfect! I've enjoyed more of my hometown, Madison, this year than in the recent past. Having my kids grow up and share what this town has to offer is so cool. I got to garden, visit with old friends and new. Visits with my Mum. We've had new and awesome neighbors move in that makes life just great. A week at the cottage, Indigo Girls concert, camping. Another amazing week in Kentucky with my sister's family, and again, fun, fun, fun. Happy, happy, happy. I even went to my first (and only) Badgers home football game at Camp Randall with my Dad and family! I ran a 10 K! Yes, yes I did. Trips with friends to San Fran, naked Korean Spas.
My kids. My kids are amazing. Mhairi (8) and Seadan (6) are turning into such fun and cool kids to hang with. More energy than I can usually keep up with, and they are the lights of my life. Joel, I couldn't be more in love with Joel. Being with someone for 20 years brings many emotions, but loving someone more every year is not something I expected. I am so lucky. I was actually feeling so happy and content that I even said to my Mum that I was afraid something bad might happen...
December 11th. That was the day I found a lump. I shook my head, sat on my bed, and the first thought I had was that, "this better not be fucking breast cancer, my sister is going to freak out." Why I didn't really think I would freak out, I'm not sure, but freak out I have. Since that day, life has been quite a roller coaster. Mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy.... waiting.... bad news. Appointments, breast MRI, more appointments, more bad news, some good news.
Some days I feel OK. I've probably had this tumor for a long time, its pretty big, they take some time to grow, and when I remember that, I seem to be a little better. More like myself. Then I have nights were I can't sleep because I can't turn my brain off. Breast Cancer, shit. What is going to happen to me? There are so many unanswerable questions right now. Am I going to live? What about my kids, my husband? I've decided I'm going to live, but its not really up to me at this point. Shit.
More specifically, I have invasive ductal carcinoma, I actually have a few of them. One main tumor, and a few smaller tumors. All in the same breast and the whole thing has got to go. I'm actually having both of them go, old rightly can't be trusted at this point! Surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, 1/17/17. I know it is only about 1 month after I found the lump, but it has felt like a lifetime.
I have felt so much support from family and friends and all the people I work with (from now on to be referred to as friends!!). People near and far are being amazing. I truly am a lucky woman, even with this shitty cancer, I feel lucky. Now the fight begins. I'm ready to have this surgery. I'm ready to get the chemo, and kick the shit out of this cancer. I am scared and ready.
That is all for now. More updates to come after surgery. Love to all.