Deborah Hutchings

First post: Jul 29, 2021 Latest post: Feb 11, 2022
For those of you who know me, I generally try not to be a mean, snarky, negative, complaining, cursing, ticked off machine.  But it all came out this week.  Just ask my husband.  And if he says I wasn't all of the above, he lives in a magical make believe place.  

Actually, I really would choose a magical make believe place this week than the place I have had to be in.  Magical is the opposite of where I've been.  There are certain things in life that we choose to believe will not happen to us.  The Lottery is a good example.  Cancer is another.  Maybe I want to be a unicorn who flies through the clouds and rainbows, immune from this awful reality.  But here I am.  

Flash back June 2020.  Mammogram - clean.  No issues .  Woot.

June 2021.  Annual check.  Wait, what?  There's a something something in there?  I'm sure the mammogram technician did something wrong, probably smudged the image.  I think I saw some pizza sauce on her chin, maybe it was on her fingers as well.  Okay no biggie, I will get a do-over.  

July 2021 - this is getting old, and my boobs are tired of being squashed between plates.  But lets get this over with.  Mammo re-do with an ultrasound.  

When the ultrasound was over, the technician wanted to check with the doctor to be sure they had good pics.  I lay on the table staring at the neon light on the ceiling.  The doctor came in.  As I lay on that table with a paper covering over my top half, he said that he didn't like what he saw.  Two masses.  Right breast.  Lymph Node enlargement.  Biopsies needed.  No need to jump to conclusions yet.  Okay.   Schedule biopsy for a week out.
Call later in the day - let's do the biopsies tomorrow at 8am.  Okay.  

So, I have to share.  Biopsies are not fun.  Not that any of you think that it was like a carnival ride or anything.  And they did seven biopsies on the two masses and the largest lymph node.  It hurt, and I just took to the bed for the rest of the day with ice packs.  This was on Thursday.  Results on following Tuesday.  

Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting.  Terrifying thoughts going through my head.  Could this be cancer?  No, stop thinking negatively.  Think positively.  I'm jumping to conclusions.  Wait for results.  Statistics say that most biopsies turn out fine.  I want to be one of those statistics.  Saturday was a special birthday celebration for two grandsons.  Go have fun and forget about it all.  

I realize how blessed I am with the support circle I have.  Hubby, daughters, sisters, friends.  All chasing those scary thoughts out of my head.  Now, if you know me - I tend to be a worrier.  But I know that about myself, and kept trying to think positive, this will all be behind me very soon.  

It's Tuesday.  Thank God.  Waiting, waiting, waiting for the phone to ring.  For this to end.  Finally at 1:00, I called them.  Dr. Rivera gets on the phone.  So let's stop for a minute - think of how it is when you are under water and someone is talking to you and it's very hard to understand what they are saying.   Invasive carcinoma what??  Metastisized where?  What?  Breast Surgeon?   I don't think this is real.  Wake up.  Wake up.  This is not happening.

Tears. Numbness.  Confusion over what to do next.  I receive the pathology report.  More numb.  I call my girls.  Hardest thing I ever had to do.  Tell them this news.  We are all shocked.  It's still Tuesday, and only hours into my new changed world.  I'm now that person who will identify as having breast cancer.  I can't even say those words.  

Today is Wednesday.  This was just yesterday?   Time seems to have come to a stop.  My life has changed.  My husband's life has changed.  My daughters' lives have changed.  Now they have a mom who has cancer.  

So tomorrow is Thursday.  I'm putting plans into place.  I have a Cancer Care Team.  I have a circle of love around me.  

My next post - I will talk about next steps, and talk about my plan, and talk about being strong.  For today, though, I have cancer.  I will find my way to a magical place where this doesn't exist anymore, but for today, I need to just say those words.  I have cancer.  I will become a Breast Cancer Survivor.  

More to come....................