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4/6/2016 Latest post:
Let's first start with why? As of 4 April 2016, I have Hodgkin's lymphoma (nodular sclerosis) stage 2b (this is considered an advanced stage of this type of cancer, comparable to others stage 3 or 4).
Who am I? What an interesting question to ponder as far as what have I done with my life. Two very different answers. I come from a big wonderful family that always strived to do right (yes we're the family at the nursing home and at the same time off the top t gatherings). I wouldn't trade them for anything. I am the oldest of 7 but grew up with 9. I have lived and traveled overseas, served as a naval officer to include a combat tour and now in Kansas City trying to become the woman I always wanted to be. I have freely loved all in my past and still have more to give.
The week before I started to see doctors I started my hospice volunteer training and ran a very difficult half marathon on a bum foot - my brother won. The last year has been the hardest of my life thus far and I was sure my luck was turning. However, this is not the case after leaving behind one life to embark on another, I find out the one person in my life (my dad) I couldn't live without had cancer, and now 5 months later to also be in his shoes, I understand him even more. I am blessed with amazing siblings and parents (all 4 of them), but it takes the one to come down to wake me up from this delirious daze I am in. I tell those I have to and watch them their eyes become sad and then I think no it's fine. I have hopes and dreams. I made a list when I was 18, and I accomplished 90% of everything I wanted to do!
The only thing left was to meet someone who truly loved me and have kids. the only time I have cried in the past few weeks is knowing that if I elect chemo ( which they have already talked about the surgery to install the port in my chest), will end that dream of mine. If I elect chemo, I am electing to never have my own kids. I have a capacity that I am sure I can love others kids, but I will never experience, the excitement, the kicks, the first moments, the bonds that are instantanous. For those that know me and look at my life, I am well educated, beautiful, well traveled, well spoken, and easy to love. But what I really wanted deep down was to be a mom. As if this week, if I make that choice, I elect not to have kids. I will have to cut off my hair likely within the next few weeks to avoid the clumps falling out, invest in Costco pants at larger sizes and try to be human and hope that there aren't any repercussions in the future. Do I do what's best for those that love me, please don't pretend to care if u don't, and if u do, remember that cancer will affect my family much more than me they deserve the prayers. Prayers if only to survive and not be mad, But instead to aggressively go after their dreams, put family first (when shot hits the fan it's them and no one else). To make their lives great and attainable.
i spent my whole life doing what I was supposed to, it was so stressful and often I was unhappy, and even backfired on me. Considering, I don't know if I would have played it so safe.
Today is another random day and for many a fleeting social media moment, for me, today through next Wednesday is a choice to grieve the core dreams that will never come to be if I pursue treatment and/or the potentials of electing not to and the outcomes of that.
My my final thought, we never feel old or ready. For anything really. But time is the one thing that really doesn't give a shit about what we hope, desire, want or think. And ultimately at night it's just me and the big man upstairs, i know he has me on his heart and has aggressively changed mine over the past few months, because I asked him to. It's a feeling of complete vulnerability bursting with love. It's possible but u have to ask him. Thanks for stopping by!