“To find a rainbow,
You must weather a storm.”
Oh how I’ve missed sitting down and expelling every little thought, emotion and perception that fills my mind, heart and soul! I miss this so much! Being able to unload and share all the struggles, heartbreaks, joys and accomplishments our family experienced was such an important and meaningful part of an incredible period in my life. I’ve been suppressing an insatiable desire for so long to sit down and spill the endless ramble that has continued to build up inside of me. It’s hard to know where to even begin, so I will just dive in…emotions first!
Life is wonderful. Life is hard. Life is what it is…it’s as beautiful as you decide to make it and let it be!
I feel like my current emotions are best described as a person walking a tight rope. I carefully place one foot in front of the other as I make my way across a narrow strand of wire high up in the sky. I’m shaky at times…my balance is not the greatest! When the wind is still and my confidence is unshakeable, I’m fantastic…footloose and fancy free! But it seems like anytime I experience a shift in life’s daily activities, whether it’s positive or negative in nature, I became more wobbly and unstable. The security I crave of maintaining an emotional balance always seems to be just out of my reach.
The speed of life has been one of which I can barely keep up with, but it’s a ride I find thrilling and exciting and I’m blessed to be on it!
It is hard to believe it’s been over six years now since Sicily’s cancer diagnosis. I can close my eyes and almost regurgitate the feelings that were produced that day…feelings of panic, desperation, confusion, dread and the overwhelming fear of the unknown. Our little girl had cancer. What do we do…how do we handle this? And the worst fear of all, what if she can’t beat this and we lose her? How does life go on?
I truly believe that in these past four years since Sicily’s passing, I have accepted and understood her purpose in my life and the lives of those who allowed her to touch them. I consciously make the decision on a daily basis to accept God’s will. I make an effort to carry peace in my heart and hold tightly to the grace God so generously shares with me, whenever I ask Him for it…and even when I forget to! Have I perfected this ability? Absolutely not! Despite all this conscious effort, something always seemed to be missing…there was a void I couldn’t quite define or explain. It wasn’t just the natural vacancy of Sicily’s physical presence, but something I couldn’t put my finger on…until last Easter.
The week before this past Easter was naturally a time of reflection and tender emotions. Sicily would’ve celebrated her ninth birthday on April 15th. Her funeral was right before Holy week in 2010. I photographed our other three children for the first time without their little sister on that Easter Sunday. They held a pair of white feathery angel wings to represent her heavenly presence despite her physical absence. That time of year is always going to be an understood difficult time for us. There is no getting around it, and that’s okay.
The movie, “Heaven Is For Real” had just been released in theaters days before Sicily’s birthday. I had anxiously read the book as soon as it was published late in 2010. Many, like myself, who have lost a loved one, are constantly looking for and seeking reassurance in the existence of the afterlife…the promise of eternity in paradise…the proof that Heaven is really real! We desperately want confirmation that our loved one is where we hope and pray for them to be…that they are above the heavenly stars watching over us…that though we can’t tangibly see them, they are with us and always will be. How can we achieve this belief without some kind of proof? Proof is all around us. It’s everywhere. The key to the proof is having eyes that see. Not the same eyes that see the words you are reading in this message, but the eyes of the soul that see beyond what is blatant. It’s in the way the clouds form into the shape of wings in the sky…the incredible scheme of colors a rainbow boasts after a storm…the way the sun sparkles and twinkles as it dances across the rippling waters of a lake. That is enough proof for me that heaven must exist! If this beauty prevails on earth, what must heaven be like? Proof is sometimes sent through the vessel of innocent children, as it was told in the story of one little boy. I already felt like I had my own proof when Miss Judi Ann shared her story with me (see August 4, 2011 entry) about Sicily’s angelic visit.
This past Easter Sunday I decided we needed to go see the movie, “Heaven Is For Real” as a family. Again, I had already read the book and knew what to expect, but just wanted to see it played out by actors on a big screen. I like the idea that others believe in the reality of heaven as I do. I did cry, of course, but mainly because at one point in the movie it shows a little bald girl sitting in a hospital bed. Flashbacks overwhelmed my mind and all I could do was sit there and think of Sicily. Much like when Patrick and I recently watched the movie “Patch Adams” for the first time. There, again, was a little girl with a beautiful bald head shown laying in a hospital bed… images that are not foreign to us because we have far too many of our own that are awakened and replayed from time to time.
The movie, itself, on Easter Sunday, was not what made such an impact on me and was so life altering, but it was the days after when I felt myself slipping into the familiar pit of sadness, likely triggered by the avalanche of emotions from the previous week. I just felt overwhelmed with anguish. So I did what has become part of my daily life…I talked to God. My daily prayers are usually full of requests for others, as they should be, but my conversations with God are, well, what can I say…they’re self centered! That day, the Tuesday following Easter, in my conversation with God, I cried to Him about how much I missed my little girl. I shed tears as I told him how I would do anything if only I could have her back, even if for a brief moment, just to hug her again and tell her over and over how much I love her…to the point where she tells me I’m “annoying her!” To my surprise, in the greatest fantasy of my mind, God said, “I will give precious Sicily back to you, but there is one condition… only one.” In my dream of dreams my heart races and I excitedly agree to God that I will do anything, absolutely anything He asks of me, just to have one brief encounter with my beloved daughter. God’s condition, simple as it may sound, was that I have to give up the person I’ve become as a result of Sicily’s cancer battle and her death, and I have to go back to being the person I was before this tragedy. “What’s to give up,” I thought. My heart and my mind are overjoyed. “That’s it? That’s all we have to do?” They are ecstatic about the thought of being reunited with Sicily! Who could blame them? But my soul, the very center of my spirituality, calmly and graciously turns God down. “No, I’m very sorry, but we cannot accept that condition. You see, because of Sicily’s death, Kerry has discovered what life is genuinely about. She appreciates now how God employs all of life’s experiences for the good of those who follow Him...especially the heart-rendering and unexplainable trials and tragedies that tend to leave us without any kind of understanding. She has learned to let peace and unconditional love reside in her heart. True unconditional love…love with no conditions what so ever! She practices unequivocal acceptance of God’s Will in her mind…and her soul has discovered and embraced His amazing infinite Grace. Without Sicily’s death, Kerry might not have had the opportunity to discover these priceless treasures! Sicily’s life and death were the spiritual catalyst Kerry so desperately needed!”
I was temporarily struck by a mother’s guilt for the answer that so quickly resonated in my soul…turning down the opportunity to see Sicily again. But I understood the bigger picture here! I finally had my spiritual epiphany…something I have long desired and searched for! That elusive void in my mind seemed to finally dissipate. That annoying and baffling feeling of deficiency in my heart was no longer a heavy burden. The personal spiritual strength I have found and am now experiencing is so hard to translate into mere words, but it’s all because of what God has provided through Sicily’s life and death! Not that I ever asked the question of God, “Why,” which is totally okay and a natural human reaction…but for some reason, I’ve always felt the answer was, “Because…I Am God! Be patient and watch what I can do with this!”
I still miss my little girl with every sunrise and sunset…every breath I inhale and exhale…and every beat of my thriving heart! Tears will always find a way to fill my eyes; I hope they never completely evaporate! I continue to have days when I look up at the sky towards the heavens and wonder how I can explain to others how I am able to live life without Sicily. The answer is simple…and complicated. Simple, because God’s Grace is with me at all times. Complicated only because I am human and sometimes that which is not seen is hard to grasp and comprehend. I feel that I am a better human being because of her brief existence! God became clearly visible to me, through her! His Amazing Grace can do anything!!!
May His Grace and Peace be with you all…no matter what!
“I believe that tears can heal…
That memories can comfort…
That love lives on forever.”