On December 22nd, Johnny and I set out on our cruise adventure. We were both very excited about the trip.  We packed way too much, and forgot several things we had planned to take...our usual M.O. 

From Tuesday until Saturday night, it was the most relaxed and content few days we've shared in a while.  Formal night was Wednesday and we took some really good pictures.  Friday night was Johnny's birthday.  We celebrated with cake and the crew sang to him.  He hated it and I loved embarrassing him!

On Christmas day, we exchanged gifts under our little Christmas tree that I had packed which included some tiny hand painted ornaments.  We were in Freeport on Christmas so we went out into the port for a little tshirt, keychain and junk shopping... We went back to the ship and while I got a massage and painted a landscape up on deck, Johnny took a nap.  We got dressed for dinner and had a lovely Christmas meal of Turkey and Dressing with all the trimmings. 

After dinner we went into one of the gift shops to waste time while we decided on our plans for the remainder of the evening.  Out of the blue, he said he wanted to go back to the cabin. 

As we got inside, he told me, "Now don't be scared, but I don't feel well."  I questioned him and he was feeling lightheaded and short of breath.  I immediately called the Infirmary on board and took him down to see the doctor. 

By the time we arrived, he was wheezing very hard.  The doctor and nurses started an IV, gave IV lasix, did serial ekgs, tried to draw blood but were unable.  Johnny became very pale and was growing weaker by the moment. 

He looked up at me and said, "I love you."  I told him I loved him too. 

At this point, he laid back on the bed and became unresponsive.  The team began CPR and prepared to intubate him. I don't know exactly how long all of this took but it was only minutes.  The team ran the code following ACLS guidelines. 
They didn't give up.  They did compressions and ambu respirations for almost 2 hours.  I was at the bedside for all of it.  Johnny's implanted defibrillator fired several times in the early stages of this event but didn't fire at all during the last hour or so. 

Finally, I looked at the doctor and told her that I understood what was going.  She told the team to halt CPR, she checked the EKG, monitored for any spontaneous respirations.  There was nothing except the pacemaker spikes on the EKG.  She called the time of death at 11:47pm.

I've gone between feelings of disbelief, despair, broken heartedness, and fear.  My dearest friend is now gone from my sight.  But what a gift the last 4 days of his life were to both of us! 

I have a photo that was taken at dinner just 45 minutes or so before he became so ill.  We had a wonderful time together.  At dinner, Johnny had called all the kids to wish them Merry Christmas. 

I don't profess to ever understand God's plan but if he had to take my love now, I am thankful for the days of joy we shared just prior to his death.

The children are all taking this very hard.  Ben has felt anger and sadness. Samantha has felt sorrow and genuin loss because she wanted Johnny to walk her down the isle in April.  Nicholas is struggling with concerns that if he had just minded better or hadn't argued with Johnny, this wouldn't have happened. Adam has bared his soul to his brothers and sisters today which was long overdue.  I was very proud of all the kids in how they rallied to be in Charleston when I arrived at 8 this morning.  My kids took good care of me.

This man has loved me and loved our children so completely.  He has fought a valiant fight to stay active and be productive when he had every right to lay down.  He has helped our boys become respectable young men.  He has held our daughter until she fell asleep again when she had nightmares.  He's been a father to our children, not just a friend.  To me, he has been my bread, my strength, my light.  He was my essential. Going on without him feels impossible tonight.  But, how blessed I was to be his wife! 

Back in 2007, when he had the original dissection, I prayed to God to let him wake up, know that I was at his side and at least give me a chance to say goodbye.  I couldn’t even remember the last words he had said to me before he left for work that morning.

Tonight, I remember the last words he said to me, "I love you." 
And I can't imagine a better memory to keep.