Monday, February 20, 2006 2:48 PM CST

The bone scan technician was asking for my history.

“Areas of pain?”
“Neck, shoulder and my right arm.”
“Previous scans?”
“Bone scans last May showed areas in my thighs, hips and both upper arms. MRI and x-ray in November showed a hole in my right elbow. CT scans in January showed possible areas in my thoracic vertebrae, collarbone and sternum. ”

After relaying the information, I could see why my regular oncologist did NOT recommend a bone scan, since I would likely “light up like a Christmas tree” as there were so many areas of possible involvement. The bone scan also would not give us any specific information as to the degree of destruction. But the orthopedic oncologist felt that it was reasonable to do a baseline and go from there.

So you can imagine our surprise when the total body bone scan came back “STUDY NORMAL other than some activity in the right humerus and scapula.” We are still AMAZED. We don’t have the official report from my oncologist since I didn’t make it to his office this past week. I will see him on Wednesday and have him interpret the reading for us. I had been having pain again in my elbow (it was radiated in November/ December). Did it heal itself? Is the vaccine working?

I shared this with the oncologist for the clinical study. Despite my fatigue, he said that I was doing “amazingly well.” They are pleased so far with my progress. I received vaccine # 7 on Monday and had the anticipated reaction – 3 days of fever, aches and swollen injection sites in my arm and legs. That is over now and my next vaccination will not be until June, 3 months after my March scans.

On Monday February 27, I will undergo another apheresis (withdrawing my blood and collecting the white blood cells for the vaccine), CT scans and MRI, blood work and the removal of my central port catheter. That will free Hannah up from a good 2 hours of catheter care each week. While the port is convenient for blood draws, with the coming of hotter weather, it will be harder to keep the site dry and clean. (In my younger better-in-shape days, I couldn’t complete the treadmill test because I had sweated the electrodes off. The technician said I was the sweatiest woman they had ever seen! Well, nice to be known for something…)

I still get discouraged with my energy level, but rejoice that I am here! As I reflect on the week, I was able to do some things that I haven’t in awhile. I stir-fried vegetables for lunch one day (vegetables that were all chopped up for us by Cross Timber Baptist Church women. The first time they did this, 6 women spent 4 hours chopping vegetables (we can eat a lot. )

I was also determined to see that Hannah and Sara made it to their “New Student” Square dance. Peggy also went and stayed with Hannah when Sara and I left after the first half. It was so much fun. I think I used up 2 days of energy just clapping my hands and laughing as the old-time dancers were shouting “woo-o-o” at a certain part in the dance. It was so much fun that I am praying about signing up for the next set of student classes. How far the Lord has taken me, from not being able to sit up or breathe deeply due to the enlarged spleen, to considering square dance classes!

Although I regret the time that I spend sleeping, I have been thankful that I have been able to sleep. But this past week, I started having hot flashes big time (we are calling them “power surges”:) I don’t know why or who laughs at them, because it was certainly miserable to be shivering with chills from the fever, then have a hot flash and throw off the covers, then repeat the cycle. I made an appointment with my OB-gyn – but the earliest I can get in is April 27. So another area to lay before the Lord!

It has also been a good week as God has gently dealt with me on some of my attitudes. How sweet the loving correction of God, as with a child, versus the harsh condemnation of the enemy – and over the same issue! As God has rebuked me and shown me His perspective and as I responded with confession and receiving forgiveness, how sweet the joy that follows. The freedom that comes!

A friend sent me the verse from 1 Peter 5:10 that says, “But the God of all grace…after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, establish, strengthen, settle you.” I am going to dig into that verse. We have certainly felt unsettled. 1 Peter was written to Christians who were suffering but God was still in control. The beginning of the book says that it was written to “God’s elect… who have been CHOSEN according to the foreknowledge of GOD the FATHER, BY the sanctifying work of the HOLY SPIRIT, FOR obedience to JESUS CHRIST.” What was happening to them and what was going to happen was not a surprise to God. And that remains our testimony! God is at work in the world and we trust Him to do what He has promised.

Wednesday, February 8, 2006 10:43 PM CST

“The King is taking good care of his queen” said Helene at my “Queen for a Day” party in January. And all of us present said, “Amen!” My daughters hosted the party for me and decorated with streamers, sashes with “jewels” and crowns – and a queen cake with a doll on top! They invited just a few of the many women who have helped us so much these past eight months with food, housing, prayers, transportation, furniture, etc. I wish we could have invited more, but these already represented 8 churches. It was so much fun; we need to do it again! Helene made her comment as I was introducing each woman and sharing her contribution to our lives. Ultimately, it is the King that these women serve and represent as they have served our families. Psalm 5 says, “listen to my cry for help, my King and my God… Morning by morning I lay my requests before you and WAIT IN EXPECTATION.”

Thank you for your prayers for the children. Hannah celebrated her 16th birthday on Monday. She didn’t get a party, but she was treated over the weekend at the home of Don and Phyllis Morris in Knoxville, Tennessee. Mark and Hannah were there to speak at a missions conference of Sevier Heights Baptist Church. This coming July, the church will be sending a team to “our” city of Iloilo, so Mark and Hannah went to share some insights about the Philippines. There is a bittersweet feeling to talk in churches that are going to the Philippines and to hear reports of their trips. The children said that it hurts to see others go and to hear their reports of “our” friends – and yet it also is affirming and encouraging to see the fruit of our investment. And the children are so glad to see church members from the U.S. going overseas, because they know how a mission trip will change their lives and open their eyes to see more of God’s view of a lost world.

Pray that God would guide the girls in their involvement in church here. Since they are not “typical” American teenagers, they don’t enjoy many of the activities associated with church – the large bands, music, etc. They don’t have many common activities to relate to teenagers about – such as current popular movie stars or singers, sports teams, high school activities, etc. This is a common feeling of missionary children. They may feel that if they try to become like other teenagers, then they will lose something of who they are as “third culture kids.” If you are interested in reading another MK’s perspective, you can read her letter on the International Mission Board website - www.imb.org. Go to top story archives, August 25, 2005 for the letter “Missionary kid seeks a friend”). Pray for them to find their niche where they can use their spiritual gifts. Sara is also working in the nursery and Martha is involved in the puppet ministry with “leadership in training.”

Sara and Hannah finished their square dancing lessons; they had so much fun even though they were about a half-century younger than most of the other students. It was good exercise and they would like to continue.

Jonathan asks that you would pray that he would find some God-fearing friends in the neighborhood that would invite him over to their house to play. He is an extrovert and LOVES to be around people. He really misses David, who is back in college. Jonathan also wants to be more diligent in doing his school work. It seems that all of us are having problems getting back on a schedule since the Christmas break!

Peggy has faithfully reserved two days a week to take me to doctor appointments or do shopping for me. When we are together, we redeem the time and have had SUCH FUN at the doctors. Often I have a chance to share my “adventure in cancer” and it has been neat to have Peggy there to add her insights. Last week we had barely sat down when a man started asking questions about adversity. He got it double guns as we peppered him with answers from across the room. And the other patients just had to listen. Another day I came out of 2+ hours getting scans done and several of the other patients in the waiting room wanted to meet me. Peggy had told them my story and it gave me a chance to exalt Jesus. If God can use my experience just to draw one to Him, it is worth it! Pray for seeds that are planted to grow and that seekers would look for a church or another Christian to answer their questions.

While I enjoy these visits, I come home pretty tired. I am back to the point where I was in December, where I can sleep all day except for meals and then be awake for a few good hours in the evening. It is the strangest feeling to just sleep and sleep! I thought it was the pain medicine then, but I have cut back on that. It frustrates me to sleep so much, but if I don’t sleep, then I get nauseated and feel ill. Friends encourage me just to go with my body and rest. My pain is under control as long as I take my medicine. People tell me that I am still looking really good!

After I posted the last Caring Bridge, I knew when you were praying for me. I stopped having daily crying episodes and my last major one was when I unpacked our photo albums and said some more “good byes”. Also I have gotten some organization – what a joy it was when one of the children asked me where the tape was – and I could tell them! (God is not a god of disorder according to 1 Corinthians 14:33; no wonder clutter can be depressing!) And many members of the Wedgwood choir came over last week to prayerwalk through and around our house just in case the enemy had any strongholds here.

But no matter what, I can CHOOSE to rejoice and praise Him. The Lord inhabits the praises of His people. May our house be a house of praise and rejoicing. We have so very much to be thankful for. Why do I share how I am feeling, even when it shows you my weaknesses? As we were studying in church this past week (we are going through the “one another” passages in the New Testament) , we are to share one another’s burdens, confess our sins to each other and pray for each other (James 5:13-16). Also Paul said in 2 Corinthians 1:8 that he did not want the believers in Corinth “to be uninformed about the hardships we suffered”. Now we have NO hardships compared to Paul, but as you are our partners in ministry, we want you to know so that you can pray. Paul ends that passage with “then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.” The result? Praise and thanksgiving to God!

Love in Him,
Jan

PS Please pray Saturday as I share my testimony at the half-time of a basketball game (maximum 5 minutes!!). Monday February 13, I get vaccine injection # 7 – my last injection until June. Tuesday I will see my oncologist and get the results of my bone scan.

Thursday, January 19, 2006 2:11 PM CST

Greetings! Thanks for our faithful prayer supporters who are asking what’s up with us! I enjoy reading your notes and wish I could respond to each one personally. But when I read them, I visualize your face (if I have met you), smile as I remember you, and praise God for your love and care. It is SO GOOD to hear from each of you. I will have to admit to being most thrilled to hear from our dear Philippino friends with whom we spent so much of our life. Pinalangga kamo sa amon. Pigaw pa gid ang akon pagsulatl, indi bala?

As you have noted, I have not written much lately. Today was my first day back NOT to go to a medical facility. Yes, I had a LONG nap. So, after 6 doctor visits, CT scans, MRI, blood work and another vaccine injection, I can report that the good news is that there has been NO CHANGE IN THE TUMORS since the December scans. Of course, it would have been exciting to have had some shrinkage like we did in the December scans, but we were surprised to have had shrinkage at that point. So basically, I am still on target for the vaccine. My liver enzymes have all remained in the normal range where they were in December. YEAH!

A different radiologist read these scans than the previous ones and he was more detailed. Not surprising was his recording of other small areas (less than a centimeter) of possible cancer in the BONES in the sternum, collarbone (I have a lump there that was growing back in September) and several vertebrae in the spine. (The spine is usually the first place of bone metastases and the area where fracture can cause the most problems.) None of these areas have changed much since September and there are no fractures. There is a tumor in my uterus that I knew about from a biopsy in July, but the radiologist thought it was just fluid.

I had my 6th VACCINE on Monday the 16th. With each vaccine, I have had increased localized reaction. Remember when your children got their “baby” shots? I run a slight fever, have redness, swelling and itching at each of the 3 injection sites. It is painful to walk for a few days but I still get around!

I had an office visit with the SURGEON last week regarding removing the spleen. He felt we should wait on this until at least the set of scans at the end of February. I agree, as I feel I am still getting over my November surgery. (BTW, the extensive prosthesis in my arm does set off the security alarm at the airport).

I am having more reactions with the last round of RADIATION (radiation burn, dryness, tenderness) than I did the first, but the radiation oncologist says that will eventually resolve.

I also had an appointment with the pain management doctor. He proposed implanting a PUMP that would continuously deliver pain medication. To do this involves two separate procedures and several days in the hospital for trial and then surgery. It overwhelms me to think of another surgery. Please pray with us – God knows if my pain will eventually resolve or if it will increase; we need His direction.

I am having SIDE EFFECTS from the high doses of pain medication. I have tried reducing the long term drug, which means that I take more of the short term. I am feeling very “edgy” and weepy which can be an effect of the meds. For example, when I found out that my favorite bra was discontinued, I cried on the phone to the company representative as I couldn’t face going shopping for a new one! I would love to soak in a bathtub – that would be very relaxing, but I haven’t been able to soak in a tub or take a nice hot long shower since my central catheter was implanted in my chest / heart last September (I can’t get it wet). The catheter won’t be removed until we are absolutely sure it won’t be needed again for surgery.

You know how doctor visits go—it takes almost a whole day by time you wait, wait, and wait some more as if you had nothing better to do with your life. It is the enemy’s way to get my thoughts off of the ministry of reconciliation that God has given me – it’s just now my area is doctor’s waiting rooms. Yet, I find myself losing patience, especially when I think of all the things at home screaming for my attention. Since we have just moved to another mission residence, I am still trying to get my room organized (Mark is working on doing that for the rest of the house, including the garage – where all our “stuff” from the Philippines is now stored). But I am having difficulty thinking and staying focused on my room. And the clutter makes me more weepy!

Also, as the boxes from the Philippines are unloaded, I am finding more of the things that didn’t get shipped that I had planned on. Not important, but some sentimental, others some things that would just make life a little easier but are not worth the money to replace. Perhaps I am going through a grieving also for our previous orderly and predictable life, home, school and furnishings. I keep reminding myself that it is just stuff and not worth expending my limited physical or emotional energy on. How minor this is to the many families who have lost everything in wildfires or tsunamis or floods or hurricanes this past year. I was crying out to the Lord through the last 2 Sunday sermons that I could let this go. But the truth is it is there.

Pray for me to recognize when my EMOTIONS are a result of my physical condition and medications or when they are my own selfish choice to walk in the flesh and not in the Spirit. Last Thursday, I was struggling so hard to focus on Philippians 4 and think on what was true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, excellent, and worthy of praise. Yet thoughts of anger were battling my efforts. Guess which one?

The girls said that they also have felt more divisiveness since moving here, although they are now staying in a room twice the size of the one that they were in (they have the master bedroom – and they are so thrilled to have their OWN bathroom!!) This is our 4th house in 2 years. Hannah recognized that we need to pray for the house and the rooms, to tear down any strongholds of the enemy.

You can see that I believe in being honest and open with you – if not, how can you pray for us with understanding? How I value your loving, faithful, prayerful support of our family. What a priceless treasure we have in you – worth much much more than all the stuff and houses. We are SO WEALTHY compared to those who spend time in pursuit of riches, but don’t have friends. We have friends – some whom we know, but some whom we have never met face to face, but who are part of our family in Christ. How good God is to have given us you to walk through this “adventure” together.

A paraphrase of Psalm 71 says this: “My life is an example to many because you have been my strength and protection. That is why I can never stop praising you; I declare your glory all day long… All day long I will proclaim your saving power for I am overwhelmed by how much you have done for me…. I will tell everyone that you alone are just and GOOD.” Amen! Pray that I will continue to proclaim His praises despite achy legs and sore arms, fuzzy brains or messes!

Love in Him,
Jan

Monday, January 9, 2006 9:38 PM CST

I hope your new year is off to a good start. We have appreciated Southcliff Baptist Church for allowing us the use of their mission house for these past seven months. This church family has ministered to us in a variety of ways and we are deeply grateful. They have another missionary family scheduled to move into the house later this month.

So, as of now, the Moses family has a new address:

5504 Whitman Ave. / Fort Worth, Texas / 76133.

This is the mission house of Wedgwood Baptist Church, who has generously provided this home for us for 2006. It is located only 3 blocks away from Doug and Selah Helms – our children’s godparents, should that need arise. We are in the process of unpacking, sorting, and arranging our stuff – a process not unfamiliar to us. It’s nice having David around for the month of January. The other youngins have reluctantly resumed their studies.

Jan returned from Virginia last week, well rested and ready to go. Well, so she thought. She overworked herself the first couple of days and realized that she still has a physical battle going on within that requires her to get lots of rest. We have a mess of doctor appointments this week, including a CT scan this Friday. We still need your prayers about whether or not to take the doctor’s advice about removing Jan’s spleen in order to lesson the vaccine’s cancer-fighting load.

The whole month of December, I was having symptoms that made me think my cancer had returned. But a bone and CT scan showed that I’m still clear. My ailment is probably a combination of acid reflux (causing mild nausea) and strained tendons in my arms (maybe from my workouts at the YMCA). Still, I was grateful for the peace the Lord gave me as I faced uncertain days. As Jan and I have said before, it is our commitment and joy to make Christ known in any way we can, whether in sickness or in health, for however many days He provides. May this be a commitment for each of us in this new year.

Mark

Saturday, December 31, 2005 10:06 PM CST

Happy Birthday to me! (praise God !Jan – December 31)
Happy Anniversary to us! ( 22 years for Mark and Jan)
Happy New Year to you all!

Daily I am reminded of God’s miracle in allowing me to be here now. What will this new year hold for our family, for your family? None of us know. I think God knows better than to let us know the details and that is why He tells us to ask for DAILY bread. I replay in my mind the words of Brian Doerksen’s song Your Faithfulness. “I don’t know what the future holds… but I rest in your faithfulness.”

Mark has explained our philosophy in his sermon “God and Cancer” in last week’s Caring Bridge update. I am not as organized but when people have asked me about our faith, I have told them that my perspective could be summed up in 2 sentences/ questions.

1. IS GOD REALLY IN CHARGE? I mean, do we really believe that He is sovereign, that He is in control, that nothing happens to us unless it has first passed through His almighty permission, as it did when Satan asked to harass Job?

2. DO WE BELIEVE THAT GOD IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS ? Is He really what He claims to be in Scripture – loving, faithful, merciful, trustworthy, good, etc.? Does He act in accordance with His character?

If so – if He is in control (all powerful) and He is loving (Psalm 62: 11-12), then what is the big deal? It is not that we have a great faith, but we serve a great God. We are SURE of what we hope for and CERTAIN of what we do not see – a Scriptural definition of faith (Hebrews 11:1). There is nothing special about us; we have just chosen to believe in God and in His Word as our authority to guide us and teach us.

I like what Gracia Burnham (kidnapped by terrorists in the Philippines) said in her second book To Fly Again. “The times when life seems unmanageable to us are the times when we find out that God is truly good” (Psalm 100:5).Honestly, changes are scary. Yes, I get rattled at times. But I come back to His promise that God does not give us anymore than we can handle with Him.

Thank you for your prayers for our travel to Virginia. I have had a wonderful restful time here with my dad and “second” mom. She has had quite a load cooking for the 6 – 7 of us for 2 weeks – and dealing with all of our peculiar food needs. She really has a servant’s heart and is the best grandmother my kids could ask for!

Pray for the children as they travel back to Texas on Monday January 2 and Tuesday January 3 (a 20 hour road trip). Twenty-year old David is the driver and on the way to Virginia, our newest driver Sara shared some of the road time. Pray for safe travel – what a precious cargo! I will fly back on Friday January 6. Pray for my time here with my parents to be a special time together.

I already have 5 doctor appointments when I return to Texas. The research doctor for our clinical trial wants me to consider removing my spleen, as it is the area most filled with cancer. Also, we are still waiting to hear from MD Anderson in case I need to have a consult there. I will have another CT scan before my next vaccine on January 16.

In Him,
Jan

Saturday, December 24, 2005 9:16 PM CST

While Jan is resting at her home in Virginia, I want to post here a little booklet I wrote last year called God And Cancer. It was written in June of last year, after Jan and I had our surgeries. It was my attempt to answer the question, “Why?” .......


In March of 2004, my wife, Jan Moses, was diagnosed with melanoma, a very aggressive form of skin cancer. A surgery in April revealed lymph node involvement. The five-year survival rate for stage III melanoma is less than 50%. On April 28, 2004, I was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma, or kidney cancer. In May I had my left cancerous kidney removed along with two positive lymph nodes. The five-year survival rate for stage III kidney cancer is around 30%.

Although Jan and I have never asked the following question, we know some have: WHY WOULD A LOVING GOD ALLOW A MISSIONARY COUPLE IN THE PRIME OF THEIR MINISTRY, WITH FIVE DEPENDENT CHILDREN, TO BOTH GET CANCER? The answer is like a puzzle with many pieces. While Jan and I may never have all the pieces this side of heaven, God’s Word provides us with enough pieces to form a clear picture that allows us to say, along with Job, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him” (13:15).

Piece #1: GOD IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY SUFFERING

God’s creation was perfect; there was no suffering. Hate, greed, immorality, sickness and disease came because of man’s sin – his turning away from God. It will not do to blame God by saying He could have prevented Adam and Eve from sinning, for none of us would wantonly exchange our free will for robotic obedience. In addition, it is our sinfulness that reveals to us the true greatness of God’s mercy; to see a holy God who lovingly and personally took my sin and died in my place so that He could have me live with Him in eternity.

God is not to be blamed for cancer. We, and all who came before us, are to be blamed. Our sin is to blame, along with all the viruses, toxins, and diseases that are part of God’s curse on this planet because of sin (Genesis 3: 17-19). What is amazing is not the presence of suffering, but that a holy God would provide sinful people with a way out; a salvation for those who, by God’s grace, continued to put the pieces together.

Piece #2: I DESERVE ETERNAL PUNISHMENT

The smallest sin is like a single cancer cell that renders the body diseased and unworthy of eternal perfection in heaven. Sin is a slap in the face of a holy God; a choice of rebellion that leaves me deserving of His most severe retribution. Sin is so serious that God pronounces death as its only justifiable payment. Doing good deeds, praying daily, serving 18 years as a missionary, or even living in perfection for a number of years (if that were possible), can never pay the penalty of death my sins deserve. Sin is that serious; God is that holy.

Therefore, whatever suffering I experience on earth is still far less than what my sins deserve. But oh, how grateful I am, that as an eight year old child I believed Jesus Christ paid my sin-penalty of death, and I rested in His promise that He would one day free me forever from all suffering.

Piece #3: THE CROSS IS MY EVIDENCE OF GOD’S LOVE

A few months ago I asked a Bible study group what was their evidence that God loved them. One said, “He protects me.” Another said, “He provides things for me.” Still another said, “He gives me good health.”

I then asked if they thought God loved Job (the Old Testament sufferer). “Of course,” they replied. I then pointed out how God took away Job’s protection, how God permitted his ‘provisions’ to be destroyed, and finally how God allowed Job’s health to fail. But God still loved Job.

The lesson here is that we never measure God’s love by our circumstances, for Satan can influence our circumstances to make us doubt God’s love. But Satan can never take away the cross – the ultimate evidence of God’s love. Paul, whose protection, provision, and health were diminished on many occasions said, “May it never be that I should boast, except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world” (Galatians 6:14).

For us cancer folks, we don’t need healing to prove God’s love. The cross is the only evidence we will ever need to be certain that God is for us, regardless of our circumstances.

Piece #4: MY HOPE IS IN HEAVEN, NOT IN HEALING

If God were to heal me of cancer, I certainly would not complain. But if he doesn’t, then the nearness of heaven will be my comfort and joy. Whatever sadness I feel at leaving family, friends, and ministry on earth will be quickly erased the moment I behold the beauty of my eternal home. “Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard, and which have not entered the heart of man, all that God has prepared for those who love Him” (1 Corinthians 2:9).

Piece #5: GOD’S WILL FOR ME ON EARTH IS HOLINESS, NOT HAPPINESS.

God has promised me eternal happiness in heaven. But on earth, “all who live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer…” (2 Tim.3:12). My purpose now is to “live by faith.” “For without faith it is impossible to please God” (Hebrews 11:6). The greater my faith, the more God is pleased. And what better way to grow my faith than for Jan and I both to have cancer in the prime of our lives with our children still dependent on us!

If my faith grows and remains strong in the midst of such circumstances, then my cancer becomes a way for me to fulfill my purpose and calling in life. If a strong faith now will bring greater pleasure to God rather than lesser faith the rest of my life, then cancer is what I will choose. Sure, I want to serve the Lord as long as I can on earth. But my greater desire is to please my savior and Lord, Jesus Christ.

Piece #6: ONE OF GOD’S GREATEST PLEASURES IS GIVING

One of my greatest pleasures as a father is watching my children open their gifts from me on Christmas day. God says that it is “His good pleasure to give you the kingdom” (Luke 12:32). My first day in heaven will be like a child on Christmas Day, when my Father will reward me for my faithfulness here on earth.

These “treasures in heaven” will be greatly appreciated because I know I don’t deserve a single one. It is only through the power of God’s grace working in me that anything good comes from my life. But God “is a rewarder” (Hebrews 11:6) who gives rewards because it is His nature to do so, even if we don’t deserve it. “For God so loved the world that He gave…”

My good works and years of missionary service add up to absolutely nothing in terms of my eternal destiny – heaven or hell. That is determined by my relationship to Jesus Christ. But my quality of life in heaven will be greatly affected by my faithfulness here, or lack of it.

Is it not rather easy to have faith when life goes well? But if God summons Jan and I to a higher faith by allowing both of us to have cancer, then shouldn’t we see such a challenge as an opportunity to show our trust in Him? If such a level of faith will bring me greater treasures in heaven than a longer life with smaller steps of faith, then why would I want to pray for healing?

Of course, if God chooses to heal Jan or me or both of us, we will be glad and grateful. But if he doesn’t, we know our faith will please God and bring us exciting rewards in heaven.

Piece #7: ABSENCE OF HEALING CAN BUILD STRONGER FAITH

Which requires a greater level of faith? To pray for healing and then be healed? Or to pray for healing and not be healed? If we base our faith on the observable evidence of an answered prayer, then it is no longer faith, because faith is the evidence of things we cannot see”” (Hebrews 11:1). I believe sometimes God may withhold our request in order to lead us to a higher level of trusting faith in Jesus Christ alone.

Piece #8: GOD MAKES CHOICES FOR MY ETERNAL BENEFIT

I would like to be healed of cancer so I can be the one to raise my children, to minister in the Philippines, to grow old with my wife. But all of these are rather selfish reasons.

Instead, I pray that God will be glorified through this cancer. Healing is one way for God to be glorified, but there are others. For example, He may choose not to heal me so that… 1) my faith can be made stronger, 2) my rewards in heaven made greater, 3) my testimony might encourage others, 4) my rewards in heaven may not be lessened by possible wrong choices in the future, 5) my children may experience provisions I could never give them, and 6) many other ways that I can be benefited and He can be glorified through adversity.

Since having been diagnosed with our cancers, Jan and I have been richly blessed through the many prayers and gifts of faithful people. We know that our faith and that of our children is the direct result of your intercessions. Thank you so very, very much.

For now, Jan and I will do all we can to get well. We desire healing, but our hope is in the Lord. If He should allow our cancers to return, to permit the curse of this world to take its course, then we will aim to show our trust in the Lord for however many days He gives us. If He should choose to heal us, whether through medicine or miracle, then we will continue to say, along with Paul, “For me to live is Christ; to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21).

And whenever I do stand before my Lord, on that Christmas-like day, I will have no regrets for the choices I have made: to leave home for missionary service; to sacrifice for my family; to remain faithful to my wife, before and after marriage; and to tell of God’s love, whether in sickness or in health. And whatever pieces of the puzzle may still be lacking, I know He will supply them when I see Him face to face.

Monday, December 19, 2005 10:29 PM CST

Check out these numbers. Anterior spleen lesion reduced 35%. Posterior spleen lesion reduced 26%. Anterior liver lesion reduced 37%. Nodules in Jan’s lungs, breast, and kidney are either stable to slightly decreased in size. No lesions in the brain.

Obviously we and the clinical trial folks were pleased with the results. This is better than what they even expected. Something seems to be working (vaccine, glyconutrients, or Jan’s good behavior). But we will give credit to the Lord working through the power of your prayers.

On the negative side, Jan’s pain in her right arm continues to persist, requiring her to take large doses of pain medication that leaves her drowsy, sometimes nauseated, and still in some pain. Her oncologists are still puzzled over what is causing this relentless pain. Pray for relief of the pain, or that Jan would further realize God’s purposes for it.

Also, the clinical trial authorities waited until today to inform us that Jan must do another aphaeresis (cycling her blood through a centrifuge) tomorrow afternoon - Tuesday, before they will give her another injection of her vaccine. The purpose of this four- hour procedure is to filter out her dendritic cells to make more vaccine. Pray that her port lines will become unclogged so her blood can flow freely.

Tomorrow morning is also Jan’s last radiation treatment of her right arm. Assuming all goes well, Jan and I are headed to Virginia Wednesday morning. The kids are already there. Jan’s main concern is what to do if her pain increases while in Virginia, away from her doctors here in Ft. Worth. She is scheduled to return to Ft. Worth on Jan. 6.

Jan and I have learned that suffering for Christ, whether thru conflict or cancer, is our opportunity to proclaim loudly our undying love and trust in our Lord, Jesus Christ, and to deepen our relationship with Him. Samuel Rutherford said that when he was cast into the cellars of affliction, he remembered that the great King always kept his wine there. Charles Spurgeon said, “they who dive in the sea of affliction bring up rare pearls.” James Dobson wrote “faith is like Kodak film; both are best developed in the dark.”

May the Lord find joy in each of us as we lovingly lean on Him in the midst of life’s uncertainties.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005 11:50 PM CST

Mark has had the opportunity to speak in 2 churches during this special emphasis in Southern Baptist churches for international missions. The Lottie Moon Christmas offering provides over 50% of the IMB budget and goes directly to the mission field. I was so grateful to Southcliff Baptist Church for giving a copy of the book Voices of the Faithful as Christmas presents to each family in the church. There is an accompanied prayer / devotional guide to pray for missionaries 365 days of the year.

My mom died 18 years ago today (December 12). Her mom, my maternal grandmother, had been taking care of her. My mom said that when you were sick, you wanted your mother to help you. I can understand! But my “second mom”, Judy lives 1500 miles away. For now, God has provided another mom to take care of me. Not only has Peggy physically taken care of me in the hospital and her home, but she has also gone shopping for us.

The holidays are growing close! David finishes his semester with 2 finals this week. I will have repeat CT scans and MRI of brain done on Thursday, December 15. On Friday, December 16, Mark will drive the children to Tennessee to meet up with David. Mark will return to Ft. Worth on an overnight bus. On Saturday, David will drive the rest of his siblings to my dad’s house in southwestern Virginia. (Blue Ridge Mountains! Take me home, country roads!) Please pray for their safe trip! That is the most precious cargo in the world! It is a 10 hour drive.

Monday, we are praying that all of my results will be in as I consult with the clinical trial team at Mary Crowley Medical Research Center in Dallas. Depending on whether my body has responded to the vaccine will determine whether I continue in the trial. I continue to go daily for radiation treatment on the lower portion of my right arm. My last treatment will be on the 20th.

Hannah got her PSAT scores back and we were all pleased with the results. She worked hard but her good scores are also evidence of God taking care of her during these very stressful months. Our cell phone has been lost in space for the last 2 weeks. It would sure be good to have on their road trip to Virginia. God knows where it is. We are praying that He will show us!

Praise God that, except for cancer, I have stayed healthy while the family has gone through 2 cold viruses. An airplane is the most toxic environment! Pray that I won’t get a cold when I fly to Virginia on the 21st. Mark will be going with me. Mark and I were appointed 20 years ago as missionaries with the Southern Baptists International Mission Board. Lord willing, our assistant regional director will present us our pins at my home on the 22nd.

“My soul exalts the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior” (Luke 1:47). May God’s peace be upon you as He is with me.

Friday, December 2, 2005 10:57 PM CST

A busy day it has been. Jan had been wondering if a new technique called CyberKnife would be the best treatment for her arm, but a consultation today in Dallas with a CyberKnife radiology oncologist (what a specialty!) concluded that traditional radiation treatments in the arm was best. So after the consultation, we raced back to Ft. Worth where, thanks to Jan’s pro-active planning, they were ready for her first treatment on the lower portion of her arm. We will continue the treatments for 13 business days, until the 20th.

And…we were finally able to get through to Northwest Airlines and secure a ticket for Jan to fly to Virginia early on the morning of the 21st. That’s a big praise - thanks to those who prayed! NW allowed Jan to use her frequent flyer mileage. Now, please pray that Jan’s pain will decrease and her strength will increase so that this will be a Christmas to remember. David will drive his siblings to Virginia on the 17th. Now wouldn’t it be nice to have a little snow this Christmas.

We had a treat when we arrived home this afternoon. A beautiful Christmas tree decorated our family room (thanks Melinda!) and rumor has it that someone might be playing Santa Claus for us this year. Now where’s that list! By the way, we had a good trip to Oklahoma. We enjoyed visiting my kinfolk. After 3 more days at the quiet home of our friend, Peggy, we brought Jan back to the mission house on Wednesday.

Well, Jan’s pain persists. She is having more days of nausea. We don’t know if that is due to the pain medication or to the cancer. We probably won’t know for sure until her next blood test and CT scan scheduled for December 15. Based on these, a monitoring board in Dallas will decide on Dec. 19 whether or not Jan stays in the clinical trial. Our immediate concern continues to be the intense pain in her right arm.

Yesterday, Jan wrote...“One thing I have wanted to study is what God's Word says about pain. Of course, the first 2 references to pain are because of Adam and Eve's sin (Genesis 3). Pain is in the world because of sin. The next reference to pain (in my little concordance) is Genesis 6 before the flood. "The LORD was grieved that He had made man on the earth, and HIS HEART WAS FILLED WITH PAIN.” Doesn't that make you want to weep when you think of God's pain? At creation, everything was good and now God is grieved. That is real pain. My pain can be alleviated with morphine, but those of you who have had loved ones make bad sinful decisions know of that aching heart breaking pain. I can't imagine what God felt…

…But I just rest in His faithfulness, as I shared with you a few weeks ago. He is able to do far more abundantly anything that I could even think or ask. But if He chooses not to, I can trust Him in that decision also. I'm so glad that He is in charge. Again, it is a miracle that I am still here -- next week it will be 7 months since my diagnosis of liver metastasis. And as far as we know, it has still not spread to the brain; another amazing protection of God.

Pray Philippians 1 with me: that "I will continue to rejoice for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have SUFFICIENT COURAGE so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death."

In Him, Jan

Thursday, November 24, 2005 8:31 PM CST

“Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods, His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords, His love endures forever” (Psalm 136).

After a delicious Thanksgiving dinner (thank you Shirley Coleman and Eva), Jan led the family in remembering those times in our lives when we saw the enduring love of God. We recalled the Lord bringing Jan and I together, the birth of each child, the places we were privileged to minister, and the people He brought into our lives. It was a day to give thanks and to count our many blessings.

Jan has continued to recuperate at the home of Peggy Hodges, where friends have provided plenty of food and care. Jan was able to travel to Dallas last Monday for her vaccine injection. David arrived home yesterday (Wednesday) from college and will return on Sunday. This weekend we will be in Oklahoma to enjoy a reunion of my side of the family. Jan plans to attend, but will have to limit the time she can visit.

Earlier this week, the oncologist revamped Jan’s pain medications. For the first time in nearly a month, Jan found some relief from the intense pain in her right arm. But the medications leave her weak and tired, needing lots of rest. Our hope is that her arm will heal to the point she can reduce her pain medicines. An MRI last week on her right arm did reveal some new metastasis forming near her elbow.

Still, Jan knows that these are “momentary light afflictions” compared to the “eternal weight of glory” that awaits each of us who have placed our hope, our trust, our lives into the loving arms of our Savior, Jesus Christ. May you, too, pause to look back at those evidences of God’s presence in your life. For indeed, His love endures forever.

Saturday, November 19, 2005 10:27 AM CST

While I was staying with Jan in the hospital, I passed this verse: “It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting. Because that is the end of every man, and the living take it to heart” (Eccl. 7:2). With Thanksgiving approaching and “feasting” on all of our minds, how could a place of mourning be better than a place of feasting? Maybe mourning is closer to reality; a more candid response to the suffering and sinfulness that surrounds our cursed planet? Maybe feasting is, at best, a brief respite from the daily grind of living in a fallen world?

As I sat with Jan and “mourned” the pain she was going through, as I “mourned” the progress of this deadly disease in her body, as I “mourned” the likelihood of my cancer coming back, I once again reviewed the truths that have become so dear to us…

I “take it to heart” that “though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day” (2 Cor. 4:16).

I “take it to heart” that “when you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior” (Isaiah 43: 2-3).

I “take it to heart” that “no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived, all that God has prepared for those who love Him” (1 Cor. 2:9).

I “take it to heart” that the day will soon come when “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain” (Rev. 21:4).

I “take it to heart” that our “momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison” (2 Cor. 4:17).

As we approach Thanksgiving day (where some heavy feasting is definitely in order) may I not allow the joy of the day overshadow the far greater joy of what I have in Christ, truths that “a house of feasting” do not readily offer; truths that sometimes only “a house of mourning” can make precious.

Jan was dismissed from the hospital yesterday (Friday) and I took her to the quite home of Peggy Hodges late in the afternoon. The rest of us attended Jonathan’s last soccer game and then, before going home, dropped by to check on Mom and have dinner with her. Her pain persists but she is slowly starting to move around. Because of your prayers, the Lord is strongly with us.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005 6:01 PM CST

I’m returning to the hospital, so this will be quick. The 3 hour surgery went well. On Tuesday morning, the surgeon cut out 5 inches of “mushy” bone and replaced it with a metal rod. Jan is resting at Baylor – All Saints Hospital on 8th Ave., but is probably not up to visitors just yet. She had a rough night last night with her pain level oscillating between 8 and 10. This morning she is feeling better but the post-op pain persists.

Our plans are for her to leave the hospital maybe as early as tomorrow – Thursday. A wonderful friend, retired nurse Peggy Hodges, is offering her master bedroom for Jan to stay in as she recuperates. Jan will stay there until this weekend when we will bring her back to our more busy and noisy household. Then ol Daddy-o will take over being Mr. Nurse again (a skill they didn’t teach me in seminary, but I’m learning to do). Hannah and Sara are here to patch where I mess up.

Thank you for the many e-mails and notes of encouragement. With Jan incapacitated and me overworked (laugh, chuckle, smile), please understand that we can’t respond to most of them, but do know each one is read and appreciated. Our next hurdle will be for Jan to be fit to travel to Dallas on Monday for her next vaccine injection, and then hopefully fit for travel to Oklahoma on Friday of next week for Thanksgiving weekend. Thank you for sustaining us with your prayers.

Mark

Monday, November 14, 2005 6:55 PM CST

Well, Mom was saying she wanted a retreat…now she has one! She’ll be having surgery bright and early tomorrow (Tuesday the 14th) at 8 a.m.!

There are several concerns though, that Mom would like ya’ll to pray for. Her white blood count is still pretty low and her platelets have hit an all-time low. The greatest risk from the surgery is that of infection. Also, there is a risk of hemorrhaging. She said that melanoma tumors can hemorrhage easily. There is a great possibility that she will swell, please pray that doesn’t happen! She’s concerned about swelling in her arm and chest, because she doesn’t have any lymph nodes on her right side.

The MRI today showed a tumor at her elbow in the upper part of the lower arm bone and the bottom part of the humerus. So basically, there are tumors straddling the elbow joint. The doctor hopes that there will be enough good bone at the elbow to attach the ‘new’ bone to. After surgery, radiation will have to be done to the elbow tumors, to keep them from getting worse.

This upcoming hospital stay will be the longest Mom has ever had! Well, except when she had dengue fever…but then she was just sick, not having surgery. She says that if you have any good books for her to read, she would like to know….

As for the rest of us, I guess we’re doing pretty good. Hannah passed the CLEP test she took today, she was terribly excited! I (Sara) have two part-time jobs now. One is at the church’s preschool department on Wednesday nights from 5:45-8 or 9. The other is helping my art teacher sand and paint cabinets and fireplaces. Both have good pay. Jonathan is having problems with obedience and respect, this might just be his reaction to everything that’s going on, but please pray that he’ll understand it’s not good for him or for us. Martha is still fine, as far as I can tell. David will be back for Thanksgiving break, you know of course, that we’re all excited about that. He’s doing well in college. Dad, well, he’s just Dad…hanging in there!

Thanks to all of you for the prayers, thoughts, and encouragement! You mean so much to us…

Sara (typing, of course, for the Moses Clan)

Saturday, November 12, 2005 3:55 PM CST

Did you hear the one about the man who kept banging his head against the wall? When asked why he did it, his reply... “Because it feels so good when I stop!” Well, Jan hasn’t been banging her arm, but we know it will sure feel good when the pain stops. The orthopedic oncologist (the only one in our city) on Thursday used the word “mush” to describe Jan’s upper right humerus bone. Jan was a bit shocked since this was worse than what we suspected. The doctor did recommend surgery to cut out the cancerous bone portion (about 3 inches worth) and replace it with a metal rod all the way up to her shoulder. Her right arm movement would be limited but the pain would go away as it healed.



So we have a surgery scheduled for this Tuesday at 8 a.m. at All Saints, with an expected hospital stay of two to three days. But Jan is uncertain whether or not to do the surgery. First, we don’t have final approval yet from the clinical trial medical monitor. Will this surgery disqualify her from continuing the clinical trial? Secondly, how will this affect our travel plans to Oklahoma for Thanksgiving and to Virginia for Christmas? If we delay the surgery, the surgeon will not be available again until early December. Thirdly, Jan is realistic. Is this surgery worth doing compared to the amount of time she still has left? The recovery time from the surgery may take a while and then there is the danger of infection or other complications. Jan is also concerned with her low white blood cell count and the swelling in her arm, both caused by the radiation treatments which she finished on Thursday.



Well, pile all of this information onto a prayer plate that would help us know if we should do the surgery, to delay it, or not do it at all. The people at the Pharmacy have gotten to know us pretty well; seems we make a trip there almost daily. We are extreeeeeeemly grateful to the International Mission Board for paying for nearly all of this. Between doctor’s visits, pain patches, pharmacy trips, changing bandages, meal preparations, school papers, house cleaning… hey, life is pretty normal. As Dr. James Dobson says, “Life rarely provides us with more than two weeks of tranquility before something comes along to mess it up.” Yet, we live life believing that when the mess-up comes along, God’s hand will be there to guide us through it. He hasn’t failed us yet; I expect He never will.



In Him,

Mark

Monday, November 7, 2005 9:59 PM CST

Hey, it’s my birt’day! Today I entered the lower 48. This morning, Jan and I enjoyed a romantic visit to the radiology department at the Cancer Center. My lunchtime was spent in the extravagant Baylor Hospital, picking up Jan’s radiology report. In the afternoon, just the two of us traveled to Dallas for front row seats at the Medical Research Center where Jan received her third vaccine in the Melanoma clinical trial. Tonight I am preparing meals and checking schoolwork. But hey, I don’t mind a bit. I’m glad I’m still able to help out where I can.

And Jan needs the help. Last Friday evening, Jan’s pain in her right arm sent us to the ER for an x-ray. Today, the written report basically says that a cancerous tumor has eaten a hole in her upper right arm bone – a pathological fracture. This is what has been causing her intense pain the past two weeks, despite heavy doses of pain medications. So Thursday, the same day she finishes her radiation treatments, we go see an orthopedic oncologist – a bone cancer doctor. He may recommend surgery to replace the fragile bone with a rod. We’ll see.

Other than the bone fracture, the cancer doesn’t seem to be causing any other immediate problems. The vaccine may be causing the itchy rash over most of her back area. The pain medications require Jan to keep close watch over her eating times. The pain in her arm is beginning to cause her to loose sleep. And my inability to keep track of everything occasionally causes Jan to loose patience (some things medicine just can’t fix).

As always, we are deeply grateful for all the prayer support that surrounds us. Though we are walking through this valley of the shadow of death, we see evidences each day that God is walking with us. Our time, our hope, our future are all in His hands. And that is a great place to be.

Mark

Saturday, October 29, 2005 10:11 PM CDT

Truly the heart of the king (or the medical monitor) is in the hand of the LORD and like a river, He directs wherever He pleases (Proverbs 21:1).

We received approval to do the radiation AND stay in the trial. Monday, we spent some time talking with the oncologist who is over the clinical trial. He explained how important it was to delay the radiation until as late as possible (to give the vaccine time to start working) , that since this was an experimental drug and results of mixing it and the radiation were unknown, it could be a safety problem, that it was uncertain if radiation would even work on the melanoma , that if he asked for an exception, it might endanger the clinical trial, he really didn't think they would approve it, etc. . But he would try and talk to the scientific team involved on the trial and if they approved, then he would approach the medical monitor over the trial (a person outside of Baylor that is over not only this trial but other approved trials throughout the U.S.) about getting permission to do radiation on my arm. He said he would get an answer back to me in a few days.

However, he came back in about 30 minutes and said that he had approval for me to do the radiation since it was limited to just that one area on my arm. I was speechless and didn't quite believe what I was hearing .
But then I know that you have been praying and God had prepared the medical monitor with an answer. Of course, I knew you had been praying for me when I woke this past Sunday with such a tremendous sense of well-being, even though there was pain. It is such a blessing to be surrounded by such a great host of brothers and sisters in Christ, encouraging us to run with perseverance the race set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. (Hebrews 12: 1-2).

So I had 4 treatments of radiation this week, along with a visit to my regular oncologist. I will have 13 more treatments. And I am still in the clinical trial and will return to Dallas for my third vaccine injection on Monday November 7. The pain in the arm actually is worse, but much of that is due to swelling from the radiation. They said it would probably be the end of next week before we would begin to see any shrinkage of the tumor.

A friend asked me once, “Are you for real? Are you really handling this the way you come across in your emails and updates?" Yes, God has given us a tremendous sense of peace through it all, but we are very normal and there still are times when I have an emotional melt-down (lack of rest/ sleep and poor nutrition are predisposing factors! ) Usually I try to stay home and rest every other day. When I can't do that, it takes a toll on me physically and emotionally. The last 2 weeks I have felt very “fragile” and on edge.

One discouraging night I went to bed with my praise music playing . I woke to a song that I wasn’t familiar with. I thought I knew all the songs on the CD (old worship choruses, used to be on the “Praise” series back in the 80’s) But I hadn’t heard this song. In my fuzzy middle-of-the-night thinking, I wondered if it was really on my CD or it was just God speaking to me personally. I turned on the bedside lamp to look at the CD. It really is there. I hope it ministers to you as it did to me that night.

Your Faithfulness
by Brian Doerksen

I don’t know what this day will bring;
Will it be disappointing or filled with longed-for things?

I don’t know what tomorrow holds; Still I know, I can trust Your faithfulness.

I don’t know if these clouds mean rain; if they do, will they pour down blessing or pain?
I don’t know what the future holds; Still I know I can trust Your faithfulness.

Chorus: Certain as the rivers reach the sea, certain as the sunrise in the east
I can rest in Your faithfulness.
Surer than a mother’s tender love, surer than the starts still shine above,
I can rest in Your faithfulness.

I don’t know how or when I’ll die;
Will it be a thief? Or will I have a chance to say goodbye?
I don’t know how much time is left;
But in the end, I will know Your faithfulness.

When darkness overwhelms my soul, when thoughts are storms of doubt,
Still I trust You are always faithful, always faithful.

Chorus: Certain as the rivers reach the sea, certain as the sunrise in the east
I can rest in Your faithfulness
Surer than a mother’s tender love, surer than the starts still shine above,
I can rest in Your faithfulness

(Songs 4 worship “Tranquilty” CD ;Integrity Music)

“Great is His love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Praise the LORD.” (Psalm 117:2)

In Him,

Jan

Thursday, October 20, 2005 2:13 PM CDT

Mark here. Let’s see…the latest: Pain has returned in Jan’s upper right arm, the original site of her melanoma. Scans done this week show that she has a 1 x 1 ½ inch lesion in her bone just below her shoulder. The lesion, or tumor, has invaded the cortex of the bone, making Jan at risk for bone fracture. The lesion was there before in her May bone scan, but it has grown and is now causing steady pain.

So, beginning Tuesday, Jan is now scheduled to do a 13-day series of radiation treatments on her upper arm in hopes of halting the lesion growth, lessoning the odds of a fracture, and easing the pain. She is trying out different pain medications to see what works best, but they all have an unpleasant side effect ...umm…time to get out the fiber powder.

A big complication in this is that radiation treatments, even though it is localized in her arm, will likely make her ineligible to continue the clinical trial. Monday, Jan will receive her 2nd vaccine injection. We will talk to the doctor there to see our options. Jan’s main concern is her high risk of fracture in that arm. Do we cancel the radiation treatment in order to stay in the clinical trial, which has a very small but real possibility of disease regression and even cure? Or do we leave the trial and take the radiation in order to prevent a fracture and to ease the pain? Or how about surgery to remove the tumor and implant a metal rod to stabilize the bone? Such are the decisions cancer folk have to make.

Still, in all of this we keep our gaze heavenward, knowing the eyes of our Lord are taking it all in and that He is lovingly orchestrating His plans for us. I am tempted to wonder why we came back to the U.S. when we did, in light of Jan feeling so good these past four months. Could we have not continued the work in the Philippines? So many good things were happening. None of us were wanting to leave. But Jan’s pain was strong and the prognosis didn’t seem to give her much time.

But I have to trust that even those last days in the Philippines were directed by God to get us here in Texas for purposes which are still being carried out and for which we may never know. And that’s OK. The beauty in all of this is that we don’t have to know His plans in order for us to rest confidently in Him. God loves us, He cares for us moment by moment, and His eternal plans for us are wonderful.

David came home last night to stay with us for his fall break from college. Home schooling treks on as usual, but the family will have some special times this weekend with big brother. Thank you for your continued prayers for all of us. You have your own “trials and tribulations” that you are working through, too. Isn’t it assuring to walk with a God and Savior who is bigger than all of the adversities we face. He is good, indeed!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005 11:23 PM CDT

The doctor took one look at me perched daintly on the edge of the surgical bed and bellowed, “Get her in a gown.” Whereas the entourage of visitors was hustled out of the room so I could change out of my carefully chosen and pressed blue jean jumper (I thought it would be accessible enough). I was given a short hospital gown (not my color!) and told to lie down flat. The doctor pulled the gown up because the injection needed to go in near the joint of the thigh and trunk to be as near to the lymph nodes as possible. So, I didn’t need to be concerned about what to wear (my younger brother was right – he said I should wear clean underwear!)

The crowd eagerly watched the doctor load the syringe with 10 cc of MY dendritic cells with melanoma attached. He explained to them and the camera what he was doing and about the vaccine, but I couldn’t see or hear because I was lying down. Then he turned to face me and when he unsheathed that 6”long spinal needle, I thought it would be best to look away.  I found out quickly about the procedure. The needle was inserted into the skin and then threaded up through the skin as far as it would go in. Then as he withdrew the needle, he deposited vaccine along the pathway. The dendritic cells are most active in that area and hopefully the lymph system will pick them up, get them into the lymph nodes and then distribute them throughout the body.

It was a little painful but in those situations, I always remind myself of my criteria for pain and endurance (which is pushing out 12.3 pound Jonathan when he was born).

The interview took place while I was still in my hospital gown on the surgical table. I didn’t feel very comfortable and I was supposed to look into the camera on my right side, instead of the man asking questions on my left side. The interview was real short, but I did get to mention that my expectations and trust were in God who had faithfully walked with us through our experience with cancer. I did have my custom “fire” brooch on my jumper (which was lying on a side table…). We will just trust that God can use whatever was said or done for His glory.

I’m sure the communications team appreciated the cake that Hannah made . I think they got better pictures of the cake than me! She made a jelly roll cake and decorated it to look like a giant syringe – complete with a foil covered straw for the needle. We figured that such an occasion needed a cake! You can see the cake in the photos link.

This vaccine has been 7 years in the making. An initial clinical trial took place from 1999 – 2004 and the first patient from that trial is still living. The vaccine in this trial has some slight modifications from that trial, but they are hoping to replicate the results from that trial. Their goal is a 15% objective response; that is 15% of patients have either a partial or complete response to the vaccine.

I will go back for 3 more injections, every other week. Then December 16, they will repeat CT scans to see if the cancer has grown, stabilized, or regressed. If so, then I will receive 3 more “booster”vaccines, a month apart. Then they rescan and evaluate again.

I felt a little feverish and sore on Monday (just like you do when you receive a vaccination) but am feeling fine today! Thank you for your many prayers for me during the procedure.

In Him,
Jan

Saturday, October 1, 2005 12:53 AM CDT

Thank you for your faithful prayers as it has been a busy week “medically”. I had a triple lumen neostar central venous catheter inserted into my chest last Thursday September 22 at Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas. Back on Monday for more blood work and catheter care. Then on Tuesday the 27th, my white blood cells were harvested during a 3 ½ hour procedure. Even now my little cells are being prepared in the laboratory for my own vaccine against melanoma.

I will receive the first dose of the vaccine on Monday October 10. I am now the #1 patient for this clinical trial (i.e. the first patient to receive the vaccine). Because of that, there will be a photo session, the doctor who developed the vaccine may administer it to me, and other doctors and researchers involved in the trial will be there. (As a woman, my first question on hearing this news was, “Oh! What do you wear to such a photo op?”)

Remember when I said in a previous CaringBridge that I knew God had something planned in His time? I have been giggling to myself that the result now is that I am the first patient (others had been screened but are not in the trial) and the publicity that goes with that honor. I keep thinking that the Apostle Paul was allowed to speak before kings and I will be before doctors. The television spot that featured this new clinical trial in July ended with the statement, “We’re going to see patients who had no hope who now have hope…”

But I ALREADY HAVE overflowing hope and it comes from the God of hope who has filled us with all joy and peace by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13). We (that’s all of us who believe!) are told in 1 Peter 3:15 - “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.”

Please pray for me on October 10 that I will be prepared with an answer if someone asks me for the hope that I have and that I will “not worry about what to say or how to say it…” and that it would not be me speaking, but the Holy Spirit speaking through me (Matthew 10:19-20).

Lord willing, I will be wearing my custom brooch that is being made as a remembrance/ memorial (Joshua 4: 6-7) of the “adventure” that we have been on for the last year and a half. It is a circle with flames of fire in the center. Isaiah 43 is inscribed on the front rim and Daniel 3 on the back.

Isaiah 43 says, "This is what the LORD says-- He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel:
' Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Even though we have been passing through flood waters and fire, we believe God's promise that He will be with us. We KNOW and have experienced that HE HAS BEEN with us and will continue to be with us. It is a wonderful thing to have the Lord God Creator of heaven and earth walk beside us through this. We will not be consumed.

Daniel 3 is the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego where they told King Nebuchadnezzar, "We do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve IS ABLE to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if He does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.... King Nebuchadnezzar said, "Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.' "

This deals with the issue of healing. We do not need to defend ourselves ("if you only had enough faith, you would be healed") or defend our God ("how can a good God allow this when you have served him overseas?") in the area of healing. Our God IS ABLE to heal me, if that is His Sovereign will. But we believe He knows what is best, what will bring Him the greatest glory and that is what we desire. Even if He does not heal, that does not change how we feel about God or our worship of Him. And again, we see that God Himself, in the form of Jesus Christ, was with those three men in the fiery furnace. What comfort His presence and words must have been to them! I am sure that if you talked to them afterwards on what it was like in the furnace, they would have said, “It was worth it all to have God Himself walk with us through it.” Amen!

God bless and rejoice with me that we have a God who hears our cries, who rescues us, and walks with us through our trials.

Love in Him,
Jan and “the clan”

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 11:21 PM CDT

"How great is our God! Sing with me, how great is our God! Then all will see, how great, how great is our God!"

We sang this in worship Sunday and it has been ringing through my head all week. Scripture repeatedly tells us that God is great . His word also says that He has great love, great mercy, great compassion, great goodness, great power, great strength. He has done great things , great works, great wonders, and great deeds. He is a great King, the great God. He has a great name. He gives great peace. So, sing with me, "How great is our God!"

Praise our great God with us that Mark's scans are all clear -- everything is normal. The oncologist told him not to bother to come back for another 6 months as long as Mark was feeling well.

I (Jan) have not yet talked with a doctor but I have a copy of my scan results. There are some new small nodules in various places that are "suspicious for metastases." But the critical area -- the liver -- has not grown. The report says, "lesions in the liver and spleen appear slightly smaller than previously, consistent with metastases which have responded to treatment (i.e.the oral chemotheraphy that I was on)." That is great news that in 4 months the cancer has not grown in the liver.

Also good news is that my brain is still "normal", with no evidence of metastasis. (Of course, my brother says that is because cancer cannot grow in a vacumn...! Ha! Only a brother can get away with that... ). Truly we have a great God!

I am still feeling good -- no nausea, only occasional pain in my arm. I do tire easily and this week have had some 2 naps a day. This Thursday at Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas, I will have a catheter surgically inserted into a vein in my chest. Then next week, in a 3 - 4 hour procedure, they will remove some of my white blood cells that will be used to make my own personalized melanoma vaccine.

Meanwhile, we stay busy with doctors and school and are getting settled into a routine. Jonathan and Martha go to a homeschool coop on Mondays where they have classes in language arts, science, history and spanish. The rest of the week they do assignments in those subjects at home, along with their math and reading. Jonathan started soccer on Friday nights with WACHE, our homeschool support group. Sara is driving herself to her art and English classes and also takes Hannah sometimes to her PSAT prep, Algebra 2 and English classes. Hannah has finished her Modern World History course and will start U.S. Government next week (if I get her schedule out). Sara is also taking U.S. Government using a computer program. We look forward to some interesting discussions about politics around the dinner table. David has settled into his third year of classes at Union University in Jackson, Tennessee.

We thank those of you in the "great assembly" who have been faithfully praying for us. We thank God for the tremendous support that we have through Southern Baptists and our International Mission Board. They are covering 100% of my medical expenses.

"It was said among the nations, ' The LORD has done great things for them.' The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy." (Psalm 126:3) Sing with me, "How great! How great is our God!"

In His love,
Jan and family

Saturday, September 10, 2005 10:38 PM CDT

Greetings! Thank you so much for your prayers, support, and encouragement.

Please pray for the volunteer team from Azle, Texas that is currently in New Lucena in our province of Iloilo, Philippines. They are hoping to start a house church. Another group from the same church is also ministering in Manila. Pray that the Holy Spirit will move in the hearts of those that they come in contact with. Pray also for the team’s safety, both physical and spiritual.

Would you let me just share about how I process things and you will know how to pray for me? I like life fairly orderly and routine; I am a “list” person. I have my calendar, school plans, etc. (OK, I hear some of ya’ll laughing already as you think of how unpredictable our life has become this past year). I realize that in the past one and a half years as we have gone through our cancer “adventure”, that the area of my greatest challenge is schedules. I practically had a meltdown last year at MDAnderson Cancer Center when, after waiting 3 weeks to get results back from my surgeries and pathology reports, I was told that I couldn’t see the oncologist for another 3 weeks. My family was waiting in the Philippines to know what direction our lives were going to take. When was I going to see them again? More waiting?

However, when I got home that night and went into the Lord’s presence to reflect on the day and my experience, I read Psalm 20: “Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; He answers him from His holy heaven with the saving power of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm.” I recorded in my journal, “Lord, are you wanting me to see that healing comes through you – and not to put my hope and trust in what the oncologist says?” And I rested and trusted in God’s timing to see the oncologist.

Of course, God knew the bigger picture because at that very time in the Philippines, Mark was on his way to the doctor – and on his way to discovering the large kidney tumor that would bring the family back to the U.S. within the next 2 weeks – not because of me, but for Mark’s surgery. So, seeing the oncologist wasn’t so relevant to our family’s situation!

Once again I find myself faced with my scheduling nemesis – this time regarding the clinical trial in Dallas. The research doctor, my oncologist and I had anticipated starting the trial as soon as possible which would be 30 days after being off chemotherapy. At this point, due to scheduling that I don’t understand, the initial screening won’t even take place until this Tuesday, September 13 which is 4 weeks after my last round of chemotherapy. Then we must wait on the lab results to be returned, which is taking 9+ days, before scheduling the first part of the trial, which is called the apheresis. Apheresis is a 3 – 4 hour procedure that will remove dendritic cells from my blood. Since this procedure is not done on Fridays, we then are looking at the week of September 26, or 6 weeks after my chemotherapy. Then it will take an additional 2+ weeks to develop the vaccine (the research nurse says that this is an optimistic time frame) So we are facing 2 months after stopping the chemotherapy before even getting the first dose of the vaccine. (And as it is a vaccine, it will not have an immediate result. The antiogens in the vaccine will hopefully stimulate my immune system to fight the cancer – and this can take some time).

On the one hand, based on how I felt in May with the extensive cancer spread as revealed in my scans and the dire prognosis of the doctors (liver metastasis – 3 – 4 months), we didn’t even think I would be alive in September! God had given me a peace and acceptance about my eventual home-going – and here I am gnashing my teeth at the delay for this trial. (Don’t you think God just shakes His head, wondering at us?)

On the other hand, we have made plans to go to my home-place in Virginia at Christmas, and the delay in the trial will make this almost impossible because of the schedule of the injections. (I have a plane ticket for December 15 – I made this reservation as an act of faith when I came to the U.S. in June). We usually do this every furlough, so it has been 5 years since we have been to Virginia for Christmas.

But you know what? I must come back to basics again – the LORD knows the plans He has for me; “my times are in His hands “(Psalm 31: 15); “He has made everything beautiful in its time” (Ecclesiastes 3). And so many Scriptures that relate to plans; for example – “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps” (Proverbs 16:9) 

So, I bring this before you to pray for God’s direction, God’s perfect timing, God’s will in this matter. Pray for the research nurse in this trial, that she would have compassion for the patients with whom she works and that she would find satisfaction in her work (“This too is from the hand of God.” Eccl. 2:24-25).

It doesn’t make any “sense” that I am feeling as good as I am. I really don’t think it is just the chemotherapy, as the doctors believe (so then why am I so concerned about being off the chemotherapy?) I believe that, in direct answer to your prayers, God has given me mental clarity and physical stamina to work on the tasks I had set before me (I still have some “good grief” cards to finish and the children’s medical histories).

I have no idea what Mark and I’s scans will show; we will try and post an update the night of September 20th. (I think we ought to plan a wonderful dinner out – no matter what!) I would not be surprised to find that the cancer is all gone (then I won’t even be in the clinical trial because they must have some cancer to measure to see if the vaccine works -- then who cares about the schedule?). Or it could be that the cancer has progressed, at least in the liver as my last blood work seemed to indicate. Or it could be a mix of some progression, some regression (as in my spleen). Wow! Won’t this be fun to find out?

The wonderful thing about all this (thank you for your patience in letting me ramble; as you notice, Mark is a more concise writer) is no matter what, God is on His throne, He is Sovereign -- He reigns! And He acts according to His character. Meditate on the wonderful truths in Psalm 145 tonight and rejoice with me:

“I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever…
Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise…
One generation will commend your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts… of the glorious splendor of your majesty… of the power of your awesome works… of your great deeds… of the glory of your kingdom … of your might…
They will CELEBRATE your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness.
The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.
The LORD is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made…
The LORD is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made.
The LORD upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look to you and you give them their food at the proper time.
You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing…
The LORD is near to all who call on Him…
He hears their cry and saves them.”

Amen and Hallelujah! And as I read this, I prayed that all those who experienced Hurricane Katrina will come to understand this loving, faithful, trustworthy God who will answer their cries. That instead of looking just to the government to satisfy their desires or give them their food, they will look to the LORD. He alone is “worthy to receive glory and honor and power.” (Rev. 4:11)

We love you and thanks for your prayerful support and concern!

Jan, Mark and the “tribe of Moses”

Friday, September 2, 2005 10:04 PM CDT

Howdy! Mark here. Ahhh…the Smokey Mountains. Jonathan and Martha huddled in their jackets, while David and I gazed eastward, looking for the first hint of sunrise. Two hours earlier, the alarm had stirred us from our sleep. After a quick breakfast in Gatlinburg, we drove an hour in the dark, up and up the road to Clingman’s Dome. Another half mile hike found us at the highest point in the eastern U.S.

“I see it!” David sounded. The deep red of the sun began lifting its face above the dark blue clouds on the horizon. Within minutes, the oranged streaked sky above us revealed a blanket of low clouds over North Carolina that was feeling its way northward over the peaks toward the empty valleys of Tennessee. Wow!...a memory that will last a lifetime.

There were other memory making moments. The four of us were strolling along the trail, recalling the beauty of the day, when the black bear crossed in front of us. Barely fifteen yards away, he closed the distance to ten as he sniffed at us with his nose in the air. Most likely it was the odor of our seven miles of hiking that caused him to loose interest. He grunted “peew” in bear language, turned, and rambled toward distant trees.

Then there was the ‘tubing’ experience. Sixteen dollars bought us four round tubes which we took two miles up the Deep River. That’s where the adventure began. Sitting in our tubes in cold, cold water, the river took us through a series of rapids and short waterfalls. Our ‘team’ suffered crashes, spill-overs, and bruises. But upon reaching the end, Jonathan exclaimed, “This is the best fun I’ve ever had!”

But that fun was gone a few days later when we had to say “Goodbye” to David. Jonathan and Martha clung to David on the porch of his college dorm, not wanting to let go of their beloved big brother. Tears still streamed from Jonathans eyes twenty minutes later as we drove down the interstate leading out of Jackson, Tennessee.

Well, we’re back in Fort Worth now. That means school work, doctors’ appointments, house management, and meals to prepare. Jan continues to feel pretty good as long as she gets her two-hour nap each day. She has been accepted into a clinical vaccine trial through the Mary-Crowly Medical Research Center at Baylor Medical in Dallas. It’s a biological, non-chemo trial that stimulates the patients own blood to fight the cancer cells. As in most clinical trials, the odds of success are not high, but, because of its nearly zero toxic level, we felt it was the best option available.

We continue to be blessed by the generosity of many people. Thank you very, very much for remembering us in your prayers. The Lord has truly been good to us. We know that whatever direction our lives take, He will be there ready for us before we even get there. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10). May His grace and peace be yours, too, in abundance.

Saturday, August 20, 2005 8:55 PM CDT

Dear Folks, (Sara again)

We had an EXTREMELY fun time on our vacation! Such a blessing, thanks to all who contributed! Everything was “self-contained” as Mom would put it. The ranch had a swimming pool, hot tub (which Mom used after every horse ride), horseback riding, a game room, wonderful guest rooms, a tennis court, a playground, and best of all…an awesome cook who made wonderful meals 3 times a day! Of course you know how we like to eat….

There was no pressure on any of us at that ranch, after all, it is named Lazy Hills (or as Hannah said, “More like Lazy Heels”). The activities could be participated in, or left out. Almost all of us when riding every day and we went swimming most days. We even went kayaking on the Guadalupe River one day. I got the most of a workout though, since I was with Mom and she couldn’t paddle. *sigh*

The family that owned the ranch was most hospitable and friendly and the staff was great. A great thing was that the ranch was mostly empty save for ourselves and one other family. That family was from England and we all hung out together and had a blast. We even met up again at SeaWorld!

Mom is looking forward to her ‘second vacation’ with our grandparents, as Grandma Judy will cook meals and takes care of us (Hannah, Mom, and I). On Tuesday, August 23, Dad will take half of the crew to Tennessee with him. They’ll hike for a few days in the Great Smoky Mountains. Then they will take David to Union and come back home.

I have started my art classes and they’re going well. Hannah has started her PSAT prep. Both she and I are taking AP English classes, her the Pre-AP, and me, the Junior AP. Hannah is also taking an Algebra 2 class. These classes will all be outside the house, and I will be doing most of the driving. Oh yes, I did get my drivers license this past week.

We’ve been busy since getting back. Catching up on Dr.’s visits and such…and another MK wedding! For those of you who might have missed our mailing address or email address in another post or email, here is the information again. Our phone # is not included because it would be difficult to reach us by phone (as it is always busy anyways).

4141 Whitfield Ave.
Ft. Worth, TX 76109

mosesclan@gmail.com

Love you!

Sara (and the rest)

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 7:50 AM CDT

Hi, it's Sara!

Today, hopefully in just another hour or so, Mom and us kids are going to get in the car and drive to San Antonio. From there we're going to go to the Lazy Hills Dude Ranch. We'll be there from August 10-14. The two days after that will be spent with Tim & Pam Baker...and they're taking us to SeaWorld on Monday!!!!! We are all incredibly excited! Then, on Tuesday, we get back here. Unless...we decide to drop by Waco and visit the Dr. Pepper museum.

Mom forgot to mention that Hannah had her wisdom teeth taken out August 2nd. Hannah had an infection and a bit of dry socket. She's healed partly but still has a ways to go. So if you all could pray for her. Both David and I had prayer for our wisdom teeth extraction, and we had no pain. Mom feels terrible that she forgot to tell you!

Please pray that we have a great time on this little vacation!! And pray for the car and our driver (David). Thanks so much for all you do!

Love,
Sara (and the rest of the family!)

Sunday, August 7, 2005 9:21 AM CDT

Greetings! I am still continuing to feel great – probably better than I have in over a year since my first surgery.

If you followed the story on Susan Torres (the 26 year old brain damaged woman that was kept on life support for 3 months to give her baby time to develop), you can understand how sneaky melanoma can be. She had had a melanoma removed when she was 17 years old, but was totally unaware of any metastasis until she had the stroke due to brain melanoma.

While I am doing great, I am aware that I also am at high risk for brain metastasis. (Since May I have had numbness in my chin/jaw that the doctor says is probably a small metastasis on the nerve that goes to that area, perhaps at the base of the skull). So I feel an urgency to get my “tasks” done – then I can just play if the Lord chooses to heal me.

But that doesn’t mean that we don’t play or have fun now. But maybe some folks think we need to have MORE fun. This past week we received 3 anonymous gifts from 3 different locations – all designated for us to go on a vacation and have FUN.

So we are going to try and do that! We have 2 options. One option is something within a day’s drive of Ft. Worth and between August 10 and August 16 when the children start co-op classes. We have investigated “DUDE ranches” and that looks like fun because there are many activities there on the ranch – I could rest or participate, depending on how I feel. The other option is for me and the teenage girls to join the rest of the family on the trip to Great Smokey Mountain National Park on the way to take David back to college. This is farther than I had planned to go and the girls would miss some classes. Either way, we are excited to have this opportunity.

Two months ago we would have never dreamed that I would feel up to a vacation at this time. What a great God we serve! And if I didn’t have cancer, we wouldn’t have been given this opportunity. So we can be thankful. And as always, we are thankful for your support and your prayers.

Now it is time for us to leave for worship. I still cry when we sing. The first time that I did that, Jonathan sat with his arm around me, then matter of factly asked, “So, what’s the problem?” No problem – it is just that the words are so real and meaningful , the promise of heaven is so near, the love of God so evident.

”My Jesus, My Savior, Lord there is none like you. All of my days I want to praise the wonders of your mighty love. My comfort, my shelter, tower of refuge and strength, all that I am , all that I have ever want to praise your name.
I shout for joy at the works of your hand. Forever I’ll love you, forever I’ll stand. Nothing compares to the promise I have in you. “

May you enjoy the presence of the almighty God today in corporate worship!

Love in Him,
Jan

Thursday, July 28, 2005 8:03 PM CDT

It has been a FANTASTIC week! I cannot believe how good I feel. My spleen can barely be felt. I took no nausea medicine for 5 days until I started another round of the oral chemotherapy yesterday. I drove the car 4 times (OK, short distances only) and was out of the house every day (OK, so 4 of those days were to doctors’ offices…). I met a goal which was to attend the wedding of CK Miller, one of our Philippine missionary kids. It was a long day on Saturday July 23 but we did it!

I am feeling so good, that Tuesday we took a little road trip a few hours east to the East Texas Oil Museum. I visited there in 1995 and have wanted to take the children. We overnighted so there wasn’t too much driving in 1 day. We had a great time and I walked through the museum like I used to 2 years ago before all of this cancer started!

Thank you for your prayers for Jonathan and Martha at camp – they had a great time and they said it was a very good experience.

Thanks to a gift sent by a friend, Martha is taking horseback riding lessons until school starts in September. It has been a long time dream of hers! She loves it.

The Lord led us to a Christian art teacher for Sara; she will start private lessons with her next week. This teacher had some MK friends when she was in college at Wheaton so feels she knows a little about MKs. She also worked her way through college using her art. Sara is excited to get started.

I asked my oncologist last week about the clinical trial in Pennsylvania. He felt that since I seemed to be having a response to the oral chemotherapy that I am on, that would make me ineligible for the trial. (None of us really know what is happening – only that I am doing much better!) So at least we know not to pursue that option. It is interesting in that I am feeling so good, the spleen (my visible reminder of cancer) is barely palpable, and yet my liver enzymes have doubled in the last month – which my oncologist says is an indicator of the cancer progressing. God is in control!

Again, we feel so incredibly blessed to have so many people around the world praying for us. Sometimes, we ourselves wonder how to pray. I believe we are to pray for healing (James 5) and yet we do not demand healing or expect God to heal just because we ask – just as Jesus prayed for the cup to pass from Him, “not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39). Rusty Freeman in his book Journey into Day said “even if by some miracle we would be healed, we would be healed only to die again.”

Bill Bright (founder of Campus Crusade) faced that same decision when he was told that he had a terminal disease. In his book The Journey Home (great book!), he says “I can accept the life sentence of terminal disease as permitted by God, but I also believe God is able to heal, and by faith, I believed I should have an attitude to seek His healing… Why do some receive healing and other die? Our sovereign God has the answer in His will and His timing, and I trust Him. His ways are perfect… I am praying to be healed that my Lord would be glorified, but I am also ready to go. Mine is a win-win experience.”

I agree. While it makes me sad to think of leaving the children and Mark, I do have the promise of my heavenly home and being with Jesus. I can relate to Paul who said, “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.” (Phil 1: 21 – 24).

So we just take it day by day – and He is giving me some glorious days!

Love in Him,
Jan

Tuesday, July 19, 2005 10:40 PM CDT

Thank you so much for your prayers for me last week. God was gracious and gave me added energy and clarity of mind. While Jonathan and Martha were at camp, I was able to finish 31 birthday cards and all the children’s wedding cards. I still have 6 more cards to go, as well as graduation and “encouragement “cards.

It was a daunting task at first and strange to write in the “future”. But as I sorted the cards, I was reminded of how Hannah, Samuel the prophet’s mother, would make him a robe each year and take it to him. There was no post office, phone calls or email for her to communicate with him, but she could pray. The robe, I believe, was her blessing to him and a visual reminder of her love for him. These cards are my way of leaving a blessing for my children. Also, Proverbs 22:19 says, “ So that your trust may be in the LORD, I teach you today. Have I not written thirty sayings for you, sayings of counsel and knowledge, teaching you true and reliable words?” (Hey, I wrote more than thirty! J)

In each card, I wanted to share a character quality or Bible verse that I felt would be meaningful to them for that year. Of course, I have no way of knowing what they will be facing that year, but God KNOWS what will be happening in their lives at that point (if the Lord tarries!). I trust that He was able to guide me.

I also have cards for right after my “homegoing”, as well as 2 months after (which I feel can be a difficult time when the numbness and shock really wears off). These cards will reflect more of my “philosophy” of living and key Scripture that I don’t want the children to forget. Lord willing, I hope to get some of this on a videotape also, as suggested by Dr. Jerry Rankin, president of the International Mission Board, to me. He felt that my voice would be important, especially to the younger ones, when Satan, our enemy, would try to discourage them in the future.

So pray for me as I complete these tasks, as well as the mundane ones of planning for the memorial / celebration service, burial, my will, etc.

Some people have interpreted my actions as “giving up” , that instead I needed to quit dealing with death and concentrate on getting well. That is not how I feel at ALL ! I don’t feel that I have given up; I feel that I have been given a wonderful time and opportunity to prepare!

I am feeling so good and friends comment on how good I look! (still fishing for compliments J ) I certainly am not an invalid; I just don’t have the stamina to go out and about. (Although I did drive the car today for the first time to a nearby restaurant so I could have a meal alone with Hannah who just returned from her grandparents). The spleen has really gone done in size; I have not had any bone pains since we came to the U.S. and the nausea is kept in control with medication. I think I am doing really great and the oncologist yesterday thought so also. Really, when I came to the U.S., in a hurry and flurry because it seemed that things were moving so fast, time looked short. But now, I am sitting at the computer and typing and can’t possibly believe that I have widespread cancer.

This past week at a doctor’s office as I was sharing with another patient all that God was doing, she said, “Well, what is going to happen to you? I mean, do you think God is healing you? How do you handle the uncertainty?” I told her that God has not given me a sense of direction about my future, about whether this year will be my homegoing or if I will be healed. I am completely confident that He can heal me . I daily reaffirm that “my times are in His hands” (Psalm 31:15) and He knows the plans that He has for me. (Jeremiah 29: 11) He is on His throne and He does what pleases Him.

I do know that I have tasks to do at this time as I shared above. I am also passing my “duties” on to Mark as he is learning to be “Mr. Mom.” I feel that I need to do this, at least for a season in my life (hey moms! I am taking a vacation! Can you rejoice with me? ). I am being freed from responsibilities to just ENJOY each day. Fun! Is God healing me or giving me the strength to do what I need to do at this time?

I don’t know, but I do know that we are incredibly blessed – and that word in Scripture can also mean “happy.” In John 20:29, Jesus says, “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” We have not seen heaven . but we have many promises in God’s Word about heaven – we believe! We are blessed! What a gift, what an assurance, what a comfort!

God truly is answering your prayers for me. Maybe you have prayed Romans 15:13 for us as I know several friends have prayed: “May the God of hope fill you with ALL joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope.” Amen! That is where we are at – filled with joy and peace and overflowing with hope. Hallelujah! Rejoice with us at the goodness of the Lord!

Love,
Jan

Friday, July 15, 2005 7:35 PM CDT

Sorry for the delay in updating, but it has been one of those weeks. Last Sunday afternoon we visited Greenwood Cemetery here in Fort Worth. As Jan joked, “My brother was out Sunday looking at land ‘lots’ while we were out looking at land ‘plots’!” Monday was Jan’s day to visit doctors. Her red blood cell count is very low, contributing to her tiredness. She is taking another round of her low-toxic chemo medicine this week.

Tuesday was spent getting Jonathan and Martha ready for our church’s summer camp. All their grungy clothes, tennis shoes, and back-packs are still in our crate somewhere in the Pacific. “Thanks,” to those who pitched in to make their wardrobe more complete. We saw them off Wednesday morning. Since then, Jan has prioritized her time to write cards to each of the kids for their future birthdays and other events.

Jan’s strength comes and goes, occasionally doing some cooking and cleaning around the house. She still has to deal with constant nausea, forcing herself to eat what she can. Otherwise, her attitude is great and she still finds plenty in life to laugh about. We continue to receive, almost daily, reminders of God’s watch-care over us. Whether it’s meals brought over, house hold items given, or gifts received in the mail, we continue to be blessed by the generosity of God’s family.

Saturday, July 9, 2005 2:42 PM CDT

Hello everyone! This is Sara, yet again… ;)

We enjoyed our “vacation” with our grandparents a week and a half ago. It was so nice to have regular meals on the table (and good ones at that!). Grandma Judy took care of us and fed us; she also took us girls shopping for new shoes and several items of clothes. We also had a real July 4th celebration with decorations this year! Papa and Grandma Judy left July 6th, taking Hannah with them back to Virginia. Hannah is now enjoying freedom from responsibility and eating delicious foods. But she’s also working hard on research for her World History course and getting caught up on Geometry, since we started last year’s school-year late.

Jonathan got a new bike from someone at Southcliff and Papa took him to get a new helmet (a law here in Ft. Worth). Mom was going to try and go walking around the neighborhood each evening, but she’s been really wiped out this week with her low blood counts and anemia.

Jonathan and Martha get to go to camp with Southcliff Baptist at Sabine Creek this week! They’ve never been to camp before so they are apprehensive but also excited. Martha is reluctant to be away from home and Jonathan is a little nervous, so please pray for both of them that they’ll have a special week. While they’re gone, Mom wants to concentrate on writing cards and letters (in bed of course), but to do that she needs more oxygen circulating in her brain, and she needs more energy. She wants God to guide her specifically what to say and do about that.

We have an awesome praise!!! Mom has been praying that we could have a place to move into after January (when this house is scheduled another family). Her prayer was something in the neighborhood, not far from where we are now, so that we could stay close to our family, friends, home school classes, etc. Wedgwood Baptist Church – a little over a mile from here and two blocks from our guardians, has a house available from November ’05 – November ’06! So our housing is secure, Lord willing, for the next 16 months. Mom is so excited about this.

Another prayer request is for all the people we have left behind in the Philippines, our friends and extended family. Pray especially for Lily Lacena – our loyal friend who helped tutor Jonathan and Martha. She passed up a job offer to stay with us (even though she knew the situation was unstable) and helped with the sale. Please pray that she’ll be able to get a good job.

In May, I took an art class in portraits (using charcoal, pastel, and brushes). I’ve done four portraits so far (I’ve put a picture I did of Mom in her wedding dress in the album here) and am thinking of actually pursuing this as a career or a sideline business. I’ve received great support from my family and friends and I would like to continue art lessons, because I still have things to learn. Mom, Dad, and I would like your prayers on finding a good art class that would teach the things I need to learn, and that it would be affordable.

Well folks, I think that’s all there is to update on. Until next update, so long…!

In Him,
Sara

Thursday, June 30, 2005 7:50 AM CDT

Howdy ya’ll. Jan has been focusing on spending time with her father and stepmother this week, so I’ll take a stab at writing something here. Jan continues to do kinda good, except for bouts of nausea and a few aches here and there. She is taking another round of the oral chemo drug this week, so she may have a bit of reaction to that. She is also considering a clinical trial therapy that would require her to fly to Pennsylvania the end of July, if she qualified and if there was a slot still open for Jan to participate in the trial. Well, Jan is not one to chase after any promised remedy, but she does want to be responsible as much as possible for her health. As she has expressed to so many others, God has given her a peace about her condition and she is ready for her “graduation” whenever the Lord chooses.

A few folks have asked about me. I’m feeling fine. I’m almost over my cold that I brought with me from Iloilo. Already, I very much miss the people and the work in the Philippines. Yet, God’s timing is always right, so resting in Him is a comfort. It is a joy to have all the family here now and to interact with each one during these days of change.

Now I have to tell you about a big blessing that has dropped out of heaven. Next to a house (which Jan has told already about God’s provision for that), a car is the big expense. With a family our size, and with gas prices the way they are, I had figured it would be nice to have a minivan for family and hauling needs, and a small car for quick runs around the city and as an eventual car for Sara.

The small car was provided by a generous gift from a former missionary and friends from Georgia. With that gift and just a little more, David and I shopped around and were able to buy a 2000 Toyota Corolla. Thank you so much, Bro. Bob and Rosalie. Then, Jan and I were overwhelmed again, when another friend, a former MK named C. (she asked that we not mention her name), gave a huge amount that allowed us to buy a 1999 Honda Odyssey minivan, yesterday. Wow, thank you C. for allowing God to meet our needs (or wants) through you. You have brought tears of joy to our eyes.

In addition, others have given gifts of a DVD player, a bicycle for Jonathan, and gift cards. Yesterday, the wife of a dentist from First Baptist Dallas called and said her friend will give us her laptop computer – an item high on Jan’s wish list for a long time. So, we are swimming in God’s pool of provisions and giving thanks for each one. With the generous care given us by the IMB and the faithful prayers of so many of you, we are a family truly blessed.

May God’s grace and peace be yours, too, in abundance.

Mark