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Thursday, February 18, 2010 5:34 PM CST

Happy Birthday Julia!!

Wow, it's been a whole year since I wrote on this journal! I want to share a poem that someone gave me.

MY CHILD DID EXIST

I've lost a child, I hear myself say,
And the person I'm talking to just turns away.
Now why did I tell them, I don't understand.
It wasn't for sympathy or to get a helping hand.
I just want them to know I've lost something dear.
I want them to know that my child was here.

My child left something behind which no one can see.
My child made just one person into a family.
So, if I've upset you, I'm sorry as can be.
You'll have to forgive me, I could not resist.
I just want you to know that my child did exist.

My heart aches for your smile, your touch,your laugh, your voice, everything about you my Sweet Pea! I know you are celebrating up in heaven with all the other angels. Hope you got your balloons from us.

Always in our hearts baby girl!! We love and miss you more then words can say.

Mommy, Jacob, Justine, and Jordan

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 6:28 PM CST

Happy Birthday Julia!!! She'd be 11 years old today. It's so hard to imagine what she'd look like, what'd she'd be like, what kind of personality she'd have. So many unanswered questions but I'm used to that. I went to the cemetary and tied a couple of balloons by her stone. We let off balloons here. The kids really love watching them go off and it's like a race to see which one reaches Jules first.

I so wish she was here with us. It's just not fair. It doesn't matter how young or how old, death is just not fair. In some cases, I guess I should clarify that. I had alot of emotions coming out today. Lots of different ones. I had gone to the cemetary the other day as well, just needed to be close to her and my dad.

I know you had a wonderful birthday sweetheart. Celebrate! We love and miss you more than our hearts can handle.

Mommy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Friday, January 23, 2009 8:35 AM CST

I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night and there was a part where the mom was holding her dying child and telling him it was okay to go. Needless to say I was hysterical. What a flashback. At that time my oldest came downstairs and just sat with me and held onto me. I explained to him what had happened and that it just hit a nerve! It's one thing to see something like that on a tv show but when it's something that happened directly to you, it sure does hit home! Especially because I used pretty much the same words as she did.

So my birthday is coming up in 6 days. Another year without my little girl. Why does life happen this way? A question I or anyone else in my shoes will ever know the answer to.

I love you Julia with all my heart. Keep looking down on all of us. Mommy needs a little extra help right now my sweet pea. Thank you. We miss you terribly

Tuesday, January 20, 2009 9:00 PM CST

I just added new photos of my kids. I can't believe how fast they are growing up. They are good kids. I am still unemployed right now but ok. Have days where I don't know what I should be doing, sometimes just feel lost. Like right now, I am lost for words. Until I get my thoughts together and try again.............

Monday, December 22, 2008 7:08 PM CST

Well here it is 6 years later and it's the time when Julia was diagnosed. Wonder why the holidays suck? Although my kids make it worthwhile. Life has been pretty hard lately. I was laid off in May due to budget reasons and got a severance package until the end of Aug. Got a sales job in Sept and made it until the mid of November. Can't support a family on commission only when you don't sell right? I was selling supplemental insurance. Tried for unemployment and was denied. I had no income coming in whatsoever! My checking account was getting smaller and smaller. I couldn't find a job. Thank goodness for my boyfriend Joe who gave me a credit card to buy my kids x-mas gifts. What a lifesaver! Excellent support person, guess that's why I love him as much as I do. :) Went to an unemployment hearing and just found out that I am eligible so my account is starting to look better then it's been in a long time. Depression was setting in pretty bad. No money, no job, holidays, December, etc. I just can't believe it's been 6 yrs. Of course I remember it like it was yesterday. G-d do I miss my little girl! Jacob, Justine, and Jordan talk about her and how much they miss her. We know she's watching over us. Jacob reminds me of that all the time. What a sweetheart he is. There is a commercial for St. Jude's out with Jennifer Aniston and a little girl that has a brain tumor and the mom tells it to go away, well the first time I saw it I was with Jacob and I started to cry and here's my little man consoling me. He was so sweet. I hope you all have a Happy Holiday and a Happy and Healthy New Year.

Merry X-mas my Sweet Pea. I can picture you sitting in front of the couch on the floor right after you were diagnosed. You were so happy looking, ready to dive in and open up all your presents. Catch all of our kisses sweetie. We all love you and miss you soooooooooo much. Love, Mommy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Thursday, September 11, 2008 2:43 PM CDT

I wasn't able to make it home early from work last night like I had planned so I was too late to get balloons so we will do that tonight. The kids went with their dad to the cemetary last night and Justine told me how she cleaned up the area around Julia's stone. I didn't work today so I went to the cemetary and saw what a beautiful job she did. She had everything in its own order. Yesterday I did okay, today on the other hand I cried alot at the cemetary. I did not expect what came out of me to come out but that's definitely the place to let it all come out so I did just that. I miss my little girl soooooo much. It really sucks!!!! That's about as nice a description I can make w/out using profanity. :)

Thank you to all the thoughtful emails and gues entries, and even calls. That's what I needed and I'm glad I have people to give me what I need. I love you all!!

Judy

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 7:01 AM CDT

Wow! September 10, 2008. 5 years since Julia passed away. How does it go by so fast when life stood still for so long? My boyfriend told me last night how far I've come. There was a time when I didn't think I'd ever be where I am today. My daughter is with me every single day of my life. As she is with her sister and brothers. They are the ones that kept and keep me going. I wanted to ask everyone to keep us in mind today and release a green balloon for Julia today.

The kids are doing awesome. Jordan just turned 15 and is in high school!!! (My age is showing) Justine is in 7th grade and Jacob is in 3rd. They truly are some wonderful kids!

Joe and I are doing great! He's an awesome guy! Very supportive! I have been out of town recently and he stayed over and took care of my kids. Great guy!


Julia,
My sweet pea, you've been up in heaven for 5 years now. You are terribly missed but your presence is felt all the time. I miss holding you baby. There's a piece of you in all of us and we will forever hold on to that. I hope you are enjoying your friends and having a wonderful time. We miss you and love you up to the sky and back down again! Catch your balloons later sweetheart. We love you!
Mommy, Jacob, Justine, and Jordan

Saturday, June 21, 2008 10:09 AM CDT

I know it's been awhile. I don't know what holds me back from coming here to write. Anyway, tomorrow my youngest child is turning 8! How time flies! He was 3 when Julia passed away and amazingly enough he speaks of her everyday! I know she'll be w/him on his b-day. We always say whenever there's a sparkle on our face that means that Julia has kissed us, well my Little Man has been getting them left and right so he knows his big sister is visiting him around his b-day!

Jacob and Justine go to camp during the day and because Jordan is too old to attend he basically hangs out w/his friends. I see him here and there. :) He's such a good kid that I know he's doing okay. All my kids are good. I'm very blessed.

Things are getting a little easier for me. On May 9 my job position was eliminated effective immediately. So one minute I had a job and the next it was gone. I've never had that feeling of having the rug ripped out from under my feet like that before! I was in shock for a good week and a half. Everyone kept saying the good ole cliches like one door closes another one opens, things happen for a reason, etc. In the long run I know it's for the best as there were going to be major changes I just wasn't prepared for this now! I was just shy of being there 12yrs. It just shows that loyalty doesn't mean much when it comes to money! So, I am enjoying my summer and will go back to work a little later. I am getting a severance package so I'm good for awhile.

Last night I went to a funeral home. My girlfriend's best friends 20yr. old sister passed away. I didn't know her but I knew the best friend. As I stood there watching the mom of this young woman siiting there getting hugged and kissed by everyone I could see the "blankness" in her eyes and could feel every ounce of pain that she felt. I had a hold of my charm around my neck w/Julia's picture in it. I could just feel that pain of knowing that you're not suppose to be burying your child/children, they are suppose to burying you as a parent. That pain is so gut wrenching I was actually weak in the knees! Once again for those of you who have never walked in these shoes, it is the absolute WORST feeling ever! There is no rhyme or reason for it! I heard someone say last night "This sucks!" It's true, that's a perfect way of describing it!

I wish their family the strength they need to get through this. My heart is w/them and I am here for whoever needs me.

My dear sweet Julia, we miss and love you soooo very much! You continue to watch over all of us and come have fun at Jacob's bowling party tomorrow!!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008 11:31 AM CDT

Just wanted to let you all know that I entered new photos. Now that I know how to do it, I'll try and update periodically. Jordan's picture is when he is trying on his 8th grade graduation suit, Justine and Jacob's pictures are this years school pictures.

Life is treating us all pretty good. Jacob is now playing baseball and he's loving it! Jordan and Justine both play soccer at school and Justine is getting ready to start Cheerleading again and softball. They definitely keep me running!!

I'm doing good. Have my good days and bad days. I'm still with Joe and couldn't be happier. He's added so much happiness in my life.

Enjoy the pictures!

Until next time,
Judy

Sunday, February 17, 2008 9:34 AM CST

I know it's been a long while since I journaled. I've done it many times in my head but to take the time to sit down and do it is the obstacle. Sometimes there's just not enough time in the day.

Tomorrow, February 18, 2008 marks Julia Caitlin Levy's 10th birthday. Happy Birthday Julia!!!! What a milestone the double digits are. I think that effects me more then it being just her birthday if that makes sense. Of course we are going to celebrate in our custom way: balloons and mint chocolate chip ice cream!!! People wanted to know if the kids were taking off school and if I was taking off work, I told everyone no, there isn't a reason to. Julia would want our day to go on like usual and just like her siblings they would go to school on their b-day and we would celebrate at night. Same thing goes here. It's a day to celebrate even tho we are celebrating her memory instead of having her physically here with us.

The other kids are doing well. Jordan is 14 and is almost as tall as me (which isn't a difficult task) and turning into a handsome young man, Justine is 12 and is very beautiful beyond her years (what a tough cookie she is!), and Jacob is 7 and has a heart of gold. They definitely keep me going. I love all my kids very much!!!


Remember the green balloons and mint chocolate chip ice cream!! I'll try and be back sooner rather than later.

Judy


Julia,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR JULIA!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! WE MISS AND LOVE YOU VERY MUCH SWEET PEA!!

Monday, September 10, 2007 7:17 PM CDT

Here it is, 4 years since my sweet baby received her angel wings. I can't believe it! I miss her so much! Jordan was saying he had tears in his eyes at school today because he missed her and Justine saw me crying a bit tonight before we let our balloons go and that started her. We also write little notes and attach them to the balloons and Jacob signed it "your bologna brother" because he remembers she used to eat bologna with him all the time. :) I don't remember that but I'm glad he does, he still does that every night before bed. He calls it his midnight snack. I took the day off from work today only because I had some appts. this mornings. Normally I would have been at work. The anticipation of these appts. were weighing very heavy on me so by the time I got to the cemetary this afternoon and sat in front of Julia's tombstone everything just came pouring out of me. I felt it from the bottom of my gut. It was just a mixture of everything! I had recently finished an outpt. therapy program where I learned many skills on dealing with depression and I'm glad I did it when I did because it helped me get through this depressing time. I was able to think of Julia and miss her and not have to relive the last moments of her life. I didn't have to go that deep. I don't know if that makes sense but it definitely is working for me. I can still function. Not to mention the support I get from family, friends and my boyfriend. I'm blessed but yet I'm not. I know I will see my baby girl again and I am so looking forward to that day and I am hoping now I can look more with a smile than with so many tears. I know my sweet pea is with me. I feel her. She's my guardian angel. She actually watches over alot of people I know. She has touched many lives in her short 5 years of life and I am grateful to have been her mother and to share everyday of those five years with her.

Julia,
I love and miss you with every fiber of my being. Your brothers and sister talk about you all the time and miss you dearly.

We love you Julia,
Mommy, Jordan, Justine,and Jacob

Monday, September 3, 2007 8:34 PM CDT

It's been a long time since I journaled I know. Seems to be how I always start out but it's the truth. Kids are doing well. Jordan is getting ready to turn 14 in two days! I can't believe it. School started and they're happy with their teachers. Summer went by real fast. I just came back from a well deserved vacation. I went to North Carolina with my boyfriend and had a wonderful time. The kids stayed home with their dad. I missed them terribly but I knew I needed this and I actually was able to relax. I'm glad I went.

I can't believe it's going to be 4 years already since Julia passed away. Where the hell does the time go? I just finished what was called an IOP intense outpatient program. It was 6 weeks of therapy three hours a day three days a week. It worked out because I was able to use my sick time so I didn't lose any pay. It taught me how to use skills to deal with basically life's challenges and as long as I can keep a handle on them I'll do okay. My depression got very bad and this program was suggested to me by my doctor. I was very grateful. I also learned how to separate depression from grief. I'm not sure how I did that but I know I did and that helps me alot also. I still have my everyday stressors but now I can use these skills to handle them differently then how I did in the past because they were making me physically ill and that wasn't good for me at all. I need to be able to take care of myself first and then I can take care of my kids the way they need me.

I know I'll be back on in a few days so I'll sign off for now besides Jacob is calling for me.

Sweet Angel Julia's Mom
Judy

Saturday, July 7, 2007 7:14 PM CDT

July 2 my dad would have turned 74 had he been alive. He's been dead for 30 years. That took a long time for me to get over. I always wondered what life would have been like it daddy were still here, would I have made the same choices, the same mistakes? I was only 12 when he died so I didn't experience my "bad years" til high school so my mom had to put up with alot. There were four of us and only 1 of her. I'd like to say I made some pretty good decisions in life and yes I also made some bad ones but you have to learn from your mistakes right? Which of course leads me to my favorite saying "G-d doesn't give you more than you can handle". I would like to meet whoever made that statement up and have a little discussion with this person. I know I'm handling it but that's not because I can it's because I have to! There's a difference! I'm in this by myself. The kids dad and I are recently divorced. The stress that I endure, financially, emotionally, mentally, it's all on me. Yes I have excellent support but at the end of the day, it's just me. Don't get me wrong, I'm tough as nails, I'm a strong person, I've got broad shoulders. You know what I have? I have Jordan, Justine, and Jacob!!! They are what I have and I will continue to be who I am everyday and deal with everything I deal with because of those three children. They keep me going. Thank g-d!

So the kids and I are at my mom's today and my mom was telling me how Jacob was remembering how Julia would sit and eat bologna with Jake all the time. (Jake LOVES his bologna) I didn't remember that, so it was cool that he did. My mom was telling me about a woman she had met in the waiting room at the hospital who was kind of venting to my mom about her children who had serious conditions and by the time the woman was done talking my mom told me that it put my mom in tears and my mom's response to her was to keep doing what she's doing and to remember that g-d doesn't give us more than we can handle. I told my mom that I hate that saying and she said that she didn't know what else to say and she believed that. My comment was that G-d should do something and save these kids. I feel he's to blame for Julia's death and my mom said that the cancer is to blame for Julia's death and I said that I felt g-d could have saved her and mom said that if he saved everyone then we'd have alot of people in the world and some not necessarily good people and I said what about miracles there are people whose cancer goes into remission and they live and she said that her belief is medicine that puts people in remission they just hadn't come up with a kind of medicine for the kind of cancer that Julia had. I don't think anyone had ever explained it to me like that before and it really made a whole lot of sense. I was placing blame somewhere because I needed but maybe now I can start to figure out how to let go of it. Baby steps since I've been holding on to it for soooooooo long.

I'm done now, I've got to go get some tissues.

Julia baby, I miss you so much!!!!!

Sunday, May 20, 2007 6:54 PM CDT

MRI results came in clean. No brain tumor, no aneurysm, however it did show a lymphnode on my neck which long story short ended up to be just an inflammation so basically I'm still in the same situation just not worrying that I have some terminal illness. Just a headache that won't go away. Depression that is incredibly high. But I'm the strong lady so I keep going. Except I don't have the strength for this I'm too tired so I just wanted to let everyone know the results.

Until next time,
Judy

Monday, May 14, 2007 7:07 AM CDT

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mother's out there. It was a solemn day. My kids were with their dad and I was by myself. I took a long nap. I've been pretty preoccupied lately, have been diagnosed with migraines vs. tension headaches. I have had a continuous headache since March 24. Had 7 different medications, ct scan of my head and sinus which was normal, today I have a mri of my brain to r/o "the big stuff" aneurysm, brain tumors. Drs. are so non-chalant and what gives them the right? He had just asked if I had a family history of tumors and then says that. I'm pretty sure it's just a combination of stress and tension and migraines but until I see the results I won't calm down.

I just don't understand why we're given what we're given. What purpose is there to have me go thru everything I have gone thru, everything I am going thru, and my luck everything I will go thru? What is the purpose? To help someone else in the end? Bullshit!!

Just when I think maybe and believe me that is the slightest maybe I could get some spirituality back it gets wiped away.

I hope to write soon with good news from my results.

Judy

Sunday, April 15, 2007 6:50 PM CDT

Stress is such an incredible thing. It can affect your body in so many different ways. I've had palpitations, depression, mood swings, feeling like my world was going to cave in, neck pain, back pain, and for the last three weeks I have been dealing with headaches, migraine &/or tension headaches EVERYDAY. I have been put on 5 different medications in three weeks. I've had testing done which came back normal. Stress is a major thing. It's not something that can be turned off like a light switch. Believe me, if it was that simple I would have found that answer a long time ago.

I am not a spiritual person by any means. I say that because I was in a situation where someone was stating that when their stress gets too much they lean on their higher power, or read the bible. I can't do that. I wish I could. I really do, maybe what she was saying is right. If you lean on your higher power maybe some of your burden gets taken off of you. Control only what you can control. I feel like I have to control it all or at least have a handle on it because I can't hand it over to my higher power. How can I? Will I ever be in a position where I could? My higher power let me down. Disappointed me to no end. My higher power took my 5 year daughter from me and I'm suppose to hand over my stressors?

This is my stess reliever. At least one of them. To come here and write. Get it off my chest. I don't care who reads it because it's not for anyone but me. This is my therapy. Maybe I can help somebody, who knows. That's what I've been told thru all of this. It is my job now to help others who have or are going thru the illness/death of a child.

My Angel Julia,
My heart yearns for you. You know that. I miss you with every fiber in my body. We all love you sweet pea!!

Saturday, April 7, 2007 3:18 PM CDT

I think I'm supposed to come here knowing what I'm going to write and that's just not true. I haven't a clue what I want to write. I just feel the need to do so. Tomorrow is Easter and the Easter bunny will come here after the kids get back from spending the night with their dad. That's about the extent of our celebrating Easter. We don't do much. We don't even do much for Passover although we did have dinner at my mom's.

I've been suffering from migraines for about two weeks now. Not a pretty sight. I've tried a few different meds but to no avail. I've never had a headache last this long. It pretty much sucks!

Kids are doing well. School is going well for all of them. I'm real proud of my children.

Joe has been spending more time at the house and the interaction between all of them is great. They all enjoy it. I am happy to say that I am still very happy. He continues to put a smile on my face.

I am still fighting other issues that I will keep to myself but let's just say my stress level is one that is unmanageable but I'm doing my best to maintain the level of sanity. Sometimes I can do it, other times forget it!!!

Then there's my Jules.......there are days where I just long to hold her. I go back to everything and end with her in my arms taking her last breaths. I look at Justine and feel guilty because I had the perfect family. I had two boys and two girls and now she's alone. I know it's not my fault but I take on the guilt nonetheless. It's not fair to her, she doesn't have anyone to play with the way her brother's can play with eachother. She's doing okay, this is all me. Just sharing some of the things in my mind.

That's enough for me, just wanted to come on and let you know I'm still around. Kind of scattered, but still around. :))

Sunday, February 18, 2007 11:44 AM CST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR JULIA!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!

Julia would be turning 9yrs. old today. Wow, pretty hard to imagine since we lost her when she was only 5. We are getting balloons and going to the cemetary to release them and then dinner at my mom's in honor of Julia.

I was okay all week. Today is of course a bit more challenging for me. I'm fighting with my emotions as I normally do. I'm home alone and feeling like this sometimes those two just don't go together. I stayed in bed all morning. Off and on sleeping but now I'm up and showered and forcing myself to eat something.

You know, the loss of the child is the utmost pain one could ever endure in their life and it totally amazes me how one could actually endure that. Does that make sense? I look at it like why was I the one picked to make this journey? This pain will always be there. I'm fighting for my words but I can't type what I actually want to say.

We all miss our Julia more than anything. Jacob talks about her ALL the time. Sweet Angel Julia, sing, dance, and play up and heaven and have a wonderful birthday as we will celebrate it down here.

We all love you!!!
Mom, Dad, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Don't forget to eat Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream today!!!!!

Saturday, January 20, 2007 6:38 PM CST

Today Jacob was sitting with me as I clicked on this website. I'd forgotton it had been awhile since he saw it. He let out a little "Awwww" as I quickly hit the guestbook entry tab (which I normally do cuz sometimes I can't even look at the pic) so I went back to the home page so he could look at her again and he asked what the patch was on her arm and I explained it to him and then told him that the picture was taken only a few days before she died. I then went to the photo page and asked if he'd remembered those pictures to which he answered no. But nonetheless we went thru them all and he read the captions underneath. He asked if she were alive or dead in those pictures since her appearance was a state of half comatose I think he was a bit confused cuz the other kids were kissing her and she was just sitting there kind of staring of into space so I then showed him the pictures of her in the casket going over what things were like the angel bear that we have here in the computer room and how she had a tweety shirt on and green painted nails and her blue's hat and her dora things and when I looked down at my son he had a tear rolling down his face. I held him tight and he asked me, "Why did G-d need Julia?" I had no answer, what could I possibly say to my son other than I don't know. I asked what he thought the reason was and he stated it was because she was very sweet. I then wanted to show him more pictures of Julia so we went to the tumbleweed site (www.tumbleweedfoundation.org)where there is a slide show of Julia both before and after her illness played along with music. He really enjoyed that, especially since some of the pics were of he and Julia. :) He wanted to watch it again and he looked up at me and I had my hands over my face and he asked why my lip was shaking and I started to cry, here my little man turned and wrapped those little arms around me so tight and let me cry. He then went and grabbed us some tissues and that was the end of that. My little man, my Jacob. My son who I was so desperately afraid wouldn't have any memories of his sister since he was only 3 when she died. There's truly a blessing in there.

I just wanted to share that. Update on my depression. My medication has been increased so the crying episodes have diminished but the fatigue is still hitting me full force. I'm still feeling stressed and burnt out. I'm a survivor though, just got to give myself time.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007 8:37 PM CST

So this is what's been going on........ The holidays were very difficult, more so than usual due to current circumstances. I never came out of that sadness that I had. Normally I'd anticipate the event, make it worse than how it actually turned out, having my sad time and than proceed. I got stuck this time. At therapy last week I admitted what I didn't want to hear myself say....I've fallen into another depression. I've got all the "classic symptoms" ie, body aches, sleep disturbance, irritability, crying, fatigue, irrational thoughts, etc, etc. So this week at my appt with the Psych doctor we increased one of my meds hoping to bring me back to that even keel that I once was at. To me depression is the most exhausting thing I've ever encountered. It's an inner struggle I have with myself because part of me has these irrational thoughts where I make everything bigger than what it is because I become so analytical and then there's the other part of me that knows better but I don't have control over this other part. Very exhausting. The way I describe it is that I am struggling to stay above water. I still function just like I've always done, I don't think that'll ever change. My boyfriend and friends have been a wonderful support system for me. I actually recruited a couple people at work to hound me to take my meds because it's very easy not to take them during this time. I tend to feel so isolated when I'm in the depression. Nobody else can feel my depths, although on a good day nobody can feel my depths so what's the difference? It's just lonely. I want to be with Julia, I want to make sure she's okay. Joe (boyfriend) told me she is and I don't have to worry about that. Normally I wouldn't even think this way, but again, irrational thoughts, is she longing for her Mommy? My only saving grace is as always I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Right now it's dim but it's lit and I just have to walk thru the shit to get to it and hopefully that won't take too too long. Do I feel like I'm going insane? Hell yes. You know what, this is my life, welcome to it. I've been dealt some pretty raw hands but Joe has been a blessing to me and hopefully those blessings will continue.


Julia,
I hope you are okay sweetie. I honestly know you are and believe you are happy and serene. Just continue watching over Mommy and lead me where I need to go to get out of this my Angel. I love you with all my heart and soul. Jacob talks about you sooooo much it's wonderful. He misses you as does Justine and Jordan and your dad.

Til the day I die I will NEVER understand why my five year old was taken from me. I know, maybe I'm not supposed to know but how many mother's hold their kids in their arms and give them all the lovin' in the world? Lots right? How many moms hold their kids in their arms and watch them take their last breath? Not something I'd wish on any mother. I will forever have that inbetted in my mind. Depression? Can you blame me?

Thursday, January 4, 2007 10:27 PM CST

I couldn't have said it better if I tried:

The Gap

The gap between those who have lost children and those who have not is profoundly difficult to bridge. No one, whose children are well and intact can be expected to understand what parents who have lost children have absorbed and what they bear. Our children come to us through every blade of grass, every crack in the sidewalk, every bowl of breakfast cereal. We seek contact with their atoms, their hairbrush, their toothbrush, their clothing. We reach for what was integrally woven into the fabric of our lives, now torn and shredded.
A black hole has been blown through our souls and, indeed, it often does not allow the light to escape. It is a difficult place. For us to enter there is to be cut deeply, and torn anew, each time we go there, by the jagged edges of our loss. Yet we return, again and again, for that is where our children now reside. This will be so for years to come and it will change us profoundly. At some point in the distant future, the edges of that hole will have tempered and softened but the empty space will remain - a life sentence.
Our friends will change through this. There is no avoiding it. We grieve for our children, in part, through talking about them and our feelings for having lost them. Some go there with us, others cannot and through their denial and a further measure, however unwittingly, to an already heavy burden. Assuming that we may be feeling "better" six months later is simply "to not get it." The excruciating and isolating reality that bereaved parents feel is hermetically sealed from the nature of any other human experience. Thus it is a trap - those whose compassion and insight we most need are those for whom we abhor the experience that would allow them that sensitivity and capacity. And yet, somehow there are those, each in their own fashion, who have found a way to reach us and stay, to our comfort. They have understood, again each in their own way, that our children remain our children through our memory of them. Their memory is sustained through speaking about them and our feelings about their death. Deny this and you deny their life. Deny their life and you no longer have a place in ours.
We recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are painful and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that accompanies us, sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it its own voice we fear we would become truly unreachable, and so we remain "strong" for a host of reasons even as the strength saps our energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings we would be impossible to be with. We resent having to act normal, yet we dare not do otherwise. People who understand this dynamic are our gold standard. Working our way through this over the years will change us as does every experience - and extreme experience changes one extremely. We know we will have recovered when, as we have read, it is no longer so painful to be normal. We do not know who we will be at that point or who will still be with us.
We have read that the gap is so difficult that, often, bereaved parents must attempt to reach out to friends and relatives or risk losing them. This is our attempt. For those untarnished by such events, who wish to know in some way what they, thankfully, do not know, read this. It may provide a window that is helpful for both sides of the gap.

By
Michael Crenlinsten

Wednesday, December 27, 2006 9:07 PM CST

Christmas Day was a hard day. Anticipation really sucks. I didn't have the kids, they were with their dad which I was okay with cuz they opened their gifts Tuesday night when they came home, but I guess a combination of everything all hit at once and took me down hard. This was the first holiday that we weren't together as a family, my kids weren't with me, this is the day Jerry and I started dating, Julia wasn't here, X-mas is a few days after she was diagnosed. Man, when it hits it hits. I cried and I cried. Harder at times than others. I actually cried myself to sleep. My boyfriend and I went over his friends later in the day which neither one of us really wanted to but it was a good decision. We both enjoyed ourselves. So now the holiday is over, onto the next one. Happy New Year. Celebration of a new year. How much celebration can one have who is lacking? Granted I am happy, something that I haven't been in a long time but that's not where I'm coming from. I will continue to miss out on new celebrations of my daughter's life. Milestones that she will never have. Such as life, such as my life. One day at a time and at the end of one day is the beginning of a next. I'm feeling pretty tired right now and am thinking I better close cuz I'm not sure where my fingers will take me.....

Good night.

Thursday, December 21, 2006 8:46 PM CST

As my dear friend wrote in the guestbook, it has been 4 yrs since our lives changed. Julia was diagnosed this time in 2002. Merry X-mas huh? It hit me pretty hard at work today. I broke down. I had a friend there who remembers that very day that I took Julia to the doctor's because she was at my work first. It's amazing what different people remember. My heart is very heavy lately but I have to continue on as I have three other beautiful children that depend on me and I need them too. Words really can't express the depth of this pain. Everyone wants to help which is great but there is no help. We have to heal at our own pace. My boyfriend came over tonight and just held me. He told me there was nothing he could do to make it better but he could hold me. That helped more than he knows. I have support but it's still such a lonely place to be. I can't wait until the holidays are over.I know my sweet pea is looking down on us and doesn't want to see her Mommy this way but I know she also understands that it's a process. I miss my daughter with all of my heart.

Happy Holidays!
Judy
Mom of Angel Julia

Sunday, December 10, 2006 4:34 PM CST

Here I am, where have I been? I've never left, I've just been waiting for that "pull" to bring me to write and I have it today. This site is forever with me, everyday in fact, I just for whatever reason have to wait for the right time to get here. "Timing", I never used to like that word. "Time heals all wounds", life is about "timing". As much as I dislike the word, it seems to be true. More and more I discover some of the things in life happen when due to timing. Don't get me wrong, I'll never comprehend my daughter's death. NEVER!! But other things in life I can relate to.

What brings me here today is I am having a real emotional day today. I actually didn't get out of bed until 5:00. I don't believe I have done that aside from the first day after Julia's death. Come to think of it, I may have had the opportunity to before was too afraid to do it. Maybe I did it because I was alone. The kids were with their dad this weekend and the emotions just took over. I didn't want to fight it, actually I didn't have the strength to, between crying and sleeping that left little room for anything else. My kids are due home soon and I didn't want them asking why I was still in my pj's so I took a shower.

As everyone knows in a couple of weeks time is when Julia was first diagnosed with her inoperable tumor. Right before Christmas. My heart is definitely hurting and sometimes I have to give in to the emotions. Most of the time I am good at concealing them but not today. Also this will be the first Christmas that we will not be celebrating it together as a family. Jerry and I have been separated for almost 9 mths now. Our goal is to keep the kids happiness first and foremost. We just have to figure out the bs like where will they be X-mas morning and so on. So far we've worked okay together. Like on Thanksgiving the kids were with their dad and I was with my boyfriend and his friends. Speaking of boyfriend, he has come into my life when I really needed him. There goes that "timing". I continue to feel happiness which I am still getting used to. He is wonderful to the kids and to me. He definitely has a special place in my heart. People have often told me that I deserve happiness and they are absolutely right. I've been without it for too long and I deserve it. The kids relationship with their dad has gotten stronger. They've had a tough road, thank goodness they are as resilient as they are.

I miss my Julia more then anything. Today the pain isn't covered as much as what is usually is. Meaning, I always feel her abscence but I also feel her presence. Today is more the abscence. This time of year they have the commercials on for St. Jude and yesterday there were kids collecting for Kids with Cancer and everything just touches home unfortunately too well. I pray that they find a cure and parents don't have to endure the most incredible pain ever in life. You know a cut heals, the death of a parent heals not completely but to a degree, (I've been there so I can say that) but the loss of a child there is no healing. There isn't any reason why a child should be taken away at such a tender age. I'm sorry I'll never understand it. I wish I had Julia to hold, to kiss, hug, watch her grow with her sister and brothers. I wish I just had her.

Judy


My sweet pea Julia Caitlin Levy, Mommy loves you soooo much. I know you are with us, I truly do I feel you so much. Daddy told me you probably wouldn't want me staying in bed today but I kind of felt that you knew Mommy needed to do that. Thanks for being with me the other night during the black ice. I knew you were the only thing that saved me from getting in an accident. I love you and miss you today, tomorrow, always, and forever.

Monday, September 11, 2006 7:51 PM CDT

We got thru yesterday. I don't know why I say we cuz the kids are amazing. They are so resilient. I wish, wish, wish I had some of what they have! The kids were with their Dad Saturday night and all day Sunday until dinner time which had me by myself all day Sunday. Which was okay. Mom and Herm wanted me to come by so I wouldn't be by myself but I was content. My special friend was there for me Saturday night but had to go out of town on Sunday but kept calling me to check on me. He was very supportive this weekend and hasn't stopped. I am very fortunate to have him in my life. I went to the cemetary and brought Julia a new Dora the Explorer doll and sat and cried. The kids went to the cemetary with their Dad and when they came home we let our balloons go. We all wrote a little message and sent them on their way to Julia. Today I was totally drained and had a massive headache. Just stresses way of leaving my body I guess.

I also realized how life is so different. I mean, yes Julia was my daughter and I am reminded that she is gone every single day and yet there are friends, family, whomever that aren't reminded of this and their lives were effected by her death but of course not in the same way as mine. So much so that they forgot to call me yesterday and see how I was doing. Do you forget things just because they didn't happen directly to you? If so I am damned jealous of these people!!! How I would love to have my life go on without this void. But you know what, I can't, so I make it thru everyday come hell or highwater. One way or another I make it. I have no choice. I thank g-d for the support system I do have, both old and new.

I obviously needed to get that off my chest and I know I have a tendency to over analyze things but oh well, that's me.

Good Night and thanks again for being there.
Judy
Proud Mom of my angels on earth as in heaven

Sunday, September 10, 2006 9:50 AM CDT

Well here it is three years ago Julia Caitlin Levy no longer had to suffer with her inoperable brain tumor also known as Pontine Glioma as she passed away in her mommy's arms. My heart hurts so much because I long to feel my daughter's touch, smell her hair, kiss her, receive kisses. I know one day but for now it hurts. I came across this and wanted to share it:

Ask My Mom how she is
My Mom, she tells alot of lies
she never did before.
From now until she dies,
she'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
and because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how is she,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how is she,
she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see
nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For G-ds sake Mom, just tell the truth
just say you heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is she
she'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
we'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom
with all the lies you told!"

And here is my poem for my little girl:

Three years ago you were taken from us all,
You touched so many hearts, I didn't know one could,
The pain is still there winter, spring, summer, and fall.
To have you back again, I'd do anything, I would.

Your brother just turned into a teenager I still can't believe it,
Your sister is into her styling ways and beautiful just as you would be,
Your brother is in first grade and loving it every bit.
You should be here Julia like your siblings happy and free.

We think about you day in and out,
They say the pain doesn't go away we just get thru it,
Sometimes Mommy still gives out a shout.
My heart is missing a piece so it'll never be a perfect fit.

It's not fair and maybe one day I'll understand I guess,
We love you up and down and back again
But for now I'm still thinking it's a big mess.
From now until the end.

I love you my sweet pea and miss you terribly. I have you in my heart where you belong. You are forever missed but always loved!!! Please continue to watch over us my love.
We all love you!

Love,
Mommy

And here I am

Sunday, September 3, 2006 9:54 AM CDT

Two more days and Jordan becomes a teenager!!!! Wow, I can remember when he was born at only 3lbs and now he's going to be a teen!!!

Seven more days until it is Julia's third anniversary. It is so hard to believe that she's been gone for three years. Part of the time it definitely feels like it just happened and the other part feels like she's been gone for sooooooo long. Moods are definitely being effected on the homefront. But we're going to be okay. No doubt.

Kids have been spending alot of time with their dad and things are going well there. They still have lots of questions about the separation but thank goodness they are resilient. I just said that to someone the other day. I wish I could be as resilient as they are. They are my backbone, that's for damned sure!!!

Happy Labor Day to all!!

Judy

Thursday, August 10, 2006 11:30 AM CDT

Here it is one month before Julia's anniversary of her death. 3 years! Wow! I can say I have definitely come along way in 3 years but the pain doesn't change. How the hell could it? I don't have my little girl anymore, that will never change. I often think about what she would be like if she were here. Would she be into sports like Justine? Would she still be a tomboy or would she be wearing dresses? I know for certain without a doubt that she would still be as attentive to Jacob as she was when she was alive. I don't remember a whole lot about Julia before her illness (I'm praying for the ability to get there) but that is one thing I will never forget. She always played with Jordan. Justine was into barbies then and Jules was more into her Pokemon. :) How would Justine's life be different with her little sister here? Her best buddy was given to her after she was ill. I was asked what my life would be like if Julia were still here and I couldn't answer it because we all take life for granted and just go with the concept of everyday living until something earth shattering happens and we have to make changes or changes are made for us. I know over the next 4 weeks I will be experiencing alot of emotions and I also know that no matter what happens I will get thru it. Believe it or not that helps. I've been dealt some rotten hands in life but I still get thru it. Is that my strength? Maybe, but it's me. It's who I am and who I have always been.

Have a great day!!!

Judy
Proud mother of my kids on earth and in heaven

Thursday, June 22, 2006 8:14 PM CDT

Today Jacob turns 6! My little man is growing up!! Jordan and Justine are well. All the kids are in camp this summer and although it just started this week, so far so good.

I just hit 10 years at my job. Wow!! It's hard to believe it's been that long. I started when Justine was just a baby.

Life on the home front is still status quo. The kids dad and I are trying to maintain a friendly separation. As everyone well knows sometimes that doesn't always hold true. One day at a time.

I am still going to therapy and have learned a great deal about myself. Alot that I haven't really liked but I'm dealing with. The latest issue that we've come across is that I'm not dealing with my emotions the way I used to. I now have control of my thoughts and of my grief and if I don't want to get into those feelings I have the power not to. I am a control freak and knowing that I have control over my feelings is good and bad. I always knew that I could go to therapy and that would be "my safety spot" where I could just let loose and if I wanted to cry then so be it turn on the faucet! Lately I have been guarding myself against any output of emotion containing to Julia. It's really weird and I'm not quite sure why I am going thru this but I am and I'm trying to deal with it. The days have continued to go by but the pain hasn't changed. My therapist read that in a magazine and it's pretty true. I know one of my problems is that if I let myself go and get into a funk I never know if it's a funk or if I'm falling into a depression and that is a scary place to be. So better to avoid it is where my head is. I also think the longer I avoid it the harder it will be? I don't know. My therapist (she's a new one)is the first person to tell me that I don't have to grieve right now. I can take my time. Deal with the other shit that is tumbling my "platter" over. People say they have alot on their plate, mine is a platter!

I'm also in a different mind frame now. I have had changes in my life and new beginnings and for the first time in a long time I feel true happiness. It's a feeling that I am definitely not used to but because I feel that way I am being selfish because I don't want to be sad, I want to stay feeling happy. Part of me feels guilty probably because I have been on the opposite side of these feelings for so long that what I'm feeling now is so new but I like it.

That's all for tonight. I could go on but I have to go check on my little rugrats.

Judy

Thursday, June 1, 2006 11:16 AM CDT

Wow, June 1st! Time flies! My little man woke up this morning saying that it's June 1st and that means his birthday is coming up! He is so excited. (June 22) Can't believe my baby is going to be six years old! School is almost done! Can't believe it!

Kids are doing well all things considered. Adjusting to everything better then Mom and Dad of course. Thank goodness for that! Totally incredible the resilliency that kids have!

Been feeling a bit overwhelmed with life lately. Nothing of course that I can't handle, just having a more difficult time than usual. Sucks but oh well, it's my life. I have a new therapist who I really like and we work well together.

Still having alot of the physical things going on but hopefully I can get all that under control. Taking care of myself is once again a very difficult task. It's amazing how difficult it is. It's so much easier for me to take care of everybody else. I've always been better at that.

Weather is starting to be beautiful so I'll see lots of butterflies coming by. That always makes me feel good, seeing my Jules. My heart aches a whole lot for my little sweetheart!!!!

Judy
Proud Mom of My Angel Julia and her sibs!!!

Thursday, May 18, 2006 11:26 AM CDT

Mother's day was a good day with my kids. They each made me precious gifts. I was missing Julia a whole lot. I have kept cards from when she was ill and after she died. The other day I went thru just a little bit of them and was able to discard alot of them. I kept some from people I knew and that personally wrote messages in them. I don't know what made me do it but it felt good. I did sit there in tears reading them but it was therapeutic at the same time.

The other day I picked Jacob up from the sitter's and we were on our way to pick up the other kids when out of nowhere he says that he wants to be a whole family again and wishes that his dad and I would get along so he could move back home and that Julia would be alive and he could get a cat and a dog and then we would be a whole family again. Out of the mouths of babe!! It felt like a knife in my heart. We talked about things and he was okay after that. I also reminded him that when Julia died my biggest fear was that he wouldn't remember his sister and he amazed me because he has and he speaks about her everyday! That put a huge smile on his face.

I've had some health issues going on lately, nothing too serious but I know my excessive stress doesn't help matters. Kids are doing well and their dad and I are getting along which helps alot.

I thank you again for signing the guestbook and just reading the journals. The poem was absolutely beautiful Brenda. Thank you. I printed it and I have it hanging on my wall at work.

Until next time......................

Tuesday, April 18, 2006 5:33 PM CDT

Hello,

It's been awhile once again since I've written. It still baffles me because I think about writing everyday, I just can't seem to get myself to sit down and do it like I am now.

My kids are outside playing right now and I walked by the door to take a glimpse at them and I saw a figure (wasn't sure which one it was)run by with a sun visor on and I had to take a step back and look again because it looked just like Julia. It was Jordan but just the quick glimpse of the wavy hair and Jules always liked to wear some kind of hat. It was a nice picture. Jacob's after school babysitter told me that the one day he was sitting at the table and didn't want anything to eat and was very sad and had tears streaming down his face and he told her that he missed his sister very much so they talked for about 10 minutes about Jules and then he told her that he felt better and ran off to play. The kids are doing okay. School is going well. Soccer is over for Jordan, T-ball just started for Jacob and Justine has until the summer to wait for softball.

I've been so-so. The kids dad and I have separated about a month now and stress is a big factor. It's definitely the best thing but it's also hard to throw away almost 17yrs of marriage and almost 22yrs of being together. That's more than half of our lives. We are trying to remain amicable and as long as we do the kids are okay. This has kind of diverted my grief for right now. This is a different kind of loss. Very hard to do both together. I miss my sweetpea more then ever. I know she's watching over all of us especially me and her dad.

That's life in a nutshell. I'll try to write again sooner than later.

Judy
Proud Mom of Angel Julia

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 7:36 AM CST

I just love the angel picture! Thanks Brenda!!

I'm hanging in there as usual. Life has thrown me some definite curves lately but I'm not sinking. I'm going thru some tough stuff right now (like I need more) but I guess for whatever reason that's another test I've been given. The stress is still effecting me physically. I'm just about done with my physical therapy sessions and I haven't had much success. They're recommending another route. Unfortunately stress adds to physical ailments and I definitely have those weak spots.

I went to the cemetary on Monday. Took a mental health day just for me. Usually when I go I can anticipate the outcome of my visit depending on my mood. I felt pretty good so I knew it wouldn't be all that bad. As soon as I entered the cemetary the tears started flowing. By the time I got to Julia's site I sat down and continued to cry and cry and cry. It was so still, like as if she was listening to me. I talked to her and when I was done there was a breeze and I knew it was her hugging me. I so needed that. How I miss her sweet touch and the innocent hugs so a wind filled hug was I guess second best. I was feeling pretty drained afterward. But it was obviously something that I needed to let out. I just wasn't prepared for it at all. I miss my sweet pea more than life. I don't have the faith like what was mentioned in a guestbook entry so I am dealing with this differently than those that do. That's my choice, my way of living. I've been led down lots of painful roads in my life and to this day they still continue but as I've proved to myself time and time again, I'm a survivor. I'll be okay in the end. What it boils down to is I'm all I have and I got to take care of me!!! Something I'm definitely not used to but working on it.

Until next time,
Judy
Proud Mom of My Angel Julia

Thursday, March 9, 2006 11:49 AM CST

Tuesday, March 7 marked 28 years since my dad died. Wow!! 28 years!! What frightened me the most was that there is going to be a day when I say that about my sweet Julia. Life definitely throws you many curves along the way. Some that I can deal with, okay, all that I can deal with but alot easier than others. I'm going thru alot right now in my life that is taking me all over the place. I have made new decisions and am trying to figure out where to go. I have alot to think about. It's pretty damn exhausting! It seems that nothing in my life can be easy! I've accepted that a long time ago, but it would be nice once in a while to have a break. Anybody know where that perfect world is? Cuz I'd sure love to walk that road! I know ultimately that everything will work out but can't it be easier than what it is? I keep getting told that things happen for a reason. To some degree I believe that. I used to believe it wholeheartedly until Julia's death, now I believe it a little. If only we knew the reasons why these things happen. Maybe it would help us out. Too many unanswered questions. Life shouldn't be this hard. My life shouldn't be this hard.

Kids are doing well. Enjoying school, soccer, karate. Keeping me busy that's for sure!!

Until next time,
Judy
Proud Mom of Angel Julia

Friday, February 17, 2006 6:46 PM CST

I know it's been a long time. I think about journaling all the time but for some reason it's difficult to get here. But here I am so I will try and give you an update as to what's been going on. In January we finished our sessions at The Caring Place. At the end of the last night we were all standing in a circle and using the microphone to say what was special about coming to The Caring Place. Jordan said he enjoyed it because he could talk about his sister, Justine passed, I commented on how it was nice to be with other parents who lost children and could totally relate to what I was going thru. Then it was Jacob's turn. As he is talking into the microphone amongst a room full of people he begins to say that every Tuesday we have been coming to The Caring Place because his sister Julia died. She had a brain tumor and that's why she died. Well by this point here's mom with the tears welling up in my eyes and then my little man says that Julia is an angel now and G-d said she was too special to stay on earth and he needed her more than we did. Needless to say by this time I have turned myself around and am hysterical. A sweet woman who I had the pleasure of getting to know there held me until I was calm enough to sit down. Jacob then kept telling me it was okay and apologizing for making me cry. I explained that I was crying not because I was sad but because he touched mom's heart in such a way. He didn't really understand but from the mouths of babe!!!!!!

January 29 was my sister Jodi and I's 40th birthday. We weren't able to spend the day together but I had a wonderful birthday. My husband sent me to a Spa where I had a facial and a swedish massage and then Mary picked me up and we had a very nice lunch together and then I came home to a surprise party with some dear friends and 40 balloons hanging from the living room ceiling. My family made turning 40 a little easier for me.

Julia's birthday is tomorrow. She would be 8 years old. It's hard to believe. I wonder what she would look like now. What she'd be into as far as what she would play with. Would she still be playing with Jordan and his toys or would she have started to play with girl stuff with Justine. Jacob misses her so much. He told me the other day that Julia was out of his heart. Well, I think I missed a heart beat and then he said that she went to his head cuz she's helping him get smarter!! That's my boy!!!

Green balloons for my baby tomorrow and enjoy some Mint Chocolate Ice Cream!!!!

Thanks for all the kind words everyone.

Judy
Proud Mom of Angel Julia

Monday, January 9, 2006 11:43 AM CST

This weekend was the start of soccer season. Jordan is still doing it and having a blast, he is so quick! Jacob played for the first time and played goalie. He saved 2-3 goals. The coach commented on a spark that he sees and he said that Jacob is going to be a great player. I already knew that. He has the same determination as Jordan so that was a no-brainer.

Jordan is also doing karate and sparring. It's a definite confidence booster. I'm very proud of him.

Justine is sleeping in her room after not sleeping in there since Jules got sick. This past weekend I took off all the stuff on Julia's bed and put it in her closet. I have kept her bed like a shrine, not letting anyone on it and I finally reached the time when I was ready to make it a spare bed for when Tine has sleepovers. The kids actually made it easier on me because as we were going thru her toy box and putting everything from her bed into it, they kept grabbing things they wanted to keep that were Julia's. It was pretty heart warming.

Jacob is now sleeping in that bed so that Jordan can have his own room. Major steps but so far so good.

I was suggested to ask this question:

Does anyone feel that they are going thru life while putting on a front? I feel like I am going thru the motions of society so I can fit in, but feel like when I am at therapy and crying that is my reality. Does that make sense? I had one very good friend tell me that she feels that way and our circumstances aren't related at all.

I got to see my sister yesterday for about an hour and a half which was nice. We surprised my kids with her visit.

Thanks for continuing to keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.

Judy

Friday, December 30, 2005 3:16 PM CST

Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy, Healthy, and Prosperous New Year.

Thanks for keeping me and my family in your thoughts. It means alot to me.

Judy

Friday, December 23, 2005 11:45 AM CST

Sometimes I really have to build myself up to write here. As you know the 3rd year since Julia was diagnosed was recently upon us. I was so miserable for at least two weeks before but on that day I wasn't. I was really confused with how I was feeling and a co-worker told me it was because Julia was with me. It made sense. I know my baby girl is always with me, just sometimes I need her physical presence more than just the spiritual one. What a horrible realization to know that I will never ever be able to see my child again on this earth. To watch her grow, watch her play with her siblings, teach her little brother, and be taught by Jordan and Justine. My perfect family, that's all I ever wanted and I was finally blessed with what I wanted for such a long time and now I long for it again.

I have been really, really tired lately. My sleep is still not great but I'm used to that. Now I wake up feeling like I haven't even slept. I'm so emotionally, physically, mentally, and any other 'ly' exhausted. Unfortunately it is showing on my face. I just deal with it like everything else. It will eventually subside so until then I'm dragging ass a bit. :)

I wanted to take this time and wish you all a healthy and happy holiday!! May all your wishes come true and squeeze your little ones an extra squeeze.

Happy Holidays!! Happy New Year!!

Judy
Mom of Angel Julia

Friday, December 16, 2005 11:57 AM CST

The last few days have been pretty hard for me. As Carla wrote in the guestbook entry, next week will be the time Julia was diagnosed three years ago. I am in a major funk. The heaviness that is on my heart is overwhelming at times. I can't put the happy face on for people except my kids I still can for them because I don't want to take away the happiness of the holiday spirit from them. This is a very, very tough time of the year. I want nothing more then to see my kids happy but bottom line is I wish it could be all four of my kids and not just three of them. I am having a very difficult time dealing with the fact that there is no resolution to this situation. That means I have no control over it and that is something that is equally difficult for me. For those that know me I like to have control of things.

Okay enough, thanks for the entries. Please continue to check up on me.

Judy

Thursday, December 1, 2005 11:06 AM CST

Happy December!!

Justine and I had a wonderful time meeting Arabella and her mom Amanda. Arabella and Justine couldn't have hit it off any better than what they did. I just love Arabella!! The girls went ice skating and swimming and we walked around Philadelphia and had dinner at their family's house and they made gave us such a warm welcome. It took a little over 5 hrs. to get there (including many rest stops) but it was such a pleasant ride. It gave Justine and I some bonding time which is always great! I'd do it again in a heartbeat!!

Life is life. Just trying to push myself to get the house decorated and get into the swing of the holidays. I remember feeling the same way last year. It'll happen because of the kids but it just takes a little more effort.

I've been feeling pretty fatigued lately. Lots of stuff going on and I am having trouble keeping up, like Caring Place, my therapy, kids therapy, it's emotionally exhausting but it's what we have to do right now so I'll get through it like I do everything else.

Thanks for those of you who continue to check in on me. I love you!

Judy

Wednesday, November 23, 2005 11:20 AM CST

A friend of mine suggested that I journal and maybe it'll make me feel a little better.

My mood hasn't been the best lately. I've been struggling trying to stay afloat. The medicine definitely helps but it's still a struggle. I miss my little girl more than I could possibly express into words. The heaviness that I carry around is weighing me down. The pain is too much and the heaviness in my heart is too much but as I know all too well, there isn't a solution. I can't just fix this. I have to live life and hope for the day to come when it doesn't seem like such a struggle.

I put on an excellent show for people. Telling people I am fine, smiling. Lots of times I don't feel that way but it's easier to get thru the day.

My sister got married on Nov. 5 and she looked absolutely gorgeous!! Everyone is doing well.

Justine and I are driving to Philadelphia on Friday and coming home Sat. night. We are finally going to meet one of the sweetest girls, Arabella (and her mom Amanda). We are very much looking forward to the visit. Arabella definitely owns a piece of my heart and I can't wait to wrap my arms around her!!!

Wishing everyone and their families a Happy Thanksgiving!!

Judy and Angel Julia

Thursday, September 15, 2005 11:29 AM CDT

Hi,

Well, we got through Saturday. The last couple of weeks were pretty difficult. I sat on the couch holding her picture at 10:23A.M. then I continued to keep myself busy with housework. After lunch, we bought balloons and went to the cemetary and said our special stuff to Jules and then let our balloons go.

At home we watched a video that I hadn't seen yet. Jerry told me last year that I wasn't ready to view it and this year he thought it would be good for me. It started with the X-mas of 2002 just a few days after Julia was diagnosed. Then it showed her 5th b-day (Feb.) and just video of the kids and they all were having so much fun. Julia was in her daddy's arms dancing and being twirled around and letting her long hair just flow and laughing. I got so caught up in the video that as my other kids were sitting in front of me I turned to look to see where Julia was. Julia was always known for saying, "Whateva" (I actually thought about getting a tweety tatto with that written above it but I haven't as of yet). Dad was filming the kids and he told them that he loved them and Julia looked right in the camera and said, "Whateva!"

We then went to my mom's and Herm's house for dinner. It was nice evening. For desert we had to have mint chocolate chip ice cream!

When we got home we continued the video and saw her deterioration from different times of her illness. Then I saw one of my brother's and my sister sitting on the couch with a blanket over them and realized that it was the night before Julia's passing. I had actually no recollection what so ever of that night being filmed. Needless to say, I was in total hysterics watching it, Justine was on one side of me holding me and crying with me and Jacob was on the other side telling me that it would be okay, and Jordan was on the couch with Jerry. I didn't hear much of the video from that point on but I do remember hearing that it was the 8 hour mark and Julia was still alive despite what the doctor said.

Jerry told me he reacted the same way the first time he viewed it. After I thought about it, I was so touched that somebody (and I'm not sure who) taped that for us. Even though it was of her death, it is something that we all needed to view and I plan on viewing it again but not until next Sept.10.

I started feeling better yesterday as far as emotionally goes. I feel pretty even right now. I miss my sweet angel more than life, my rolie polie olie Julie!!!!!

Again, thank you for continued support!!!

Friday, September 9, 2005 11:51 AM CDT

One more day. Just doesn't seem possible. How in the hell could two years have gone by already? On my way into work this morning I was talking to my higher power and expressing the anger that I still have towards him for not saving my little girl. I know I'll never understand it but nonetheless, I am without my Julia.

I took Jordan and Justine to therapy last night and I sat in with Tine. It didn't dawn on me until hearing her say something to make me realize how lonely she must be. The counselor asked her if she plays with her little brother and she answered stating that he usually plays with Jordan, and all of the sudden it hit me. I wanted to break down and cry. I know my pain, I don't know the pain of losing a sibling.

Jerry has a video of Julia that I haven't seen yet so we are all hopefully going to watch it tomorrow.

Please let a green (Julia's fav. color) balloon go to the heavens for Julia tomorrow. Anytime is okay. Thank you.

I wanted to share what my little pal Arabella is doing tomorrow:

Arabella wanted to remember Julia in a special way and she came up with
this: tomorrow morning at 6 am she is going to get up and takes bags of
candy across the street to the playground in Central Park. There is a
ledge there and she is going to write "JULIA C LEVY I LOVE YOU" in huge
letters using bags of Jolly Ranchers and Smarties and lollipops and
leave a note saying this is in memory of Julia who lived in Pittsburgh
from 1998-2003 and please help yourself to a treat, but share with
others and sign it. The whole neighborhood knows Arabella or who she
is so the parents won't be afraid to let their kids eat the candy.

This is a nine year old who has never met Julia or myself for that matter. Yet!!!

This is for my Julia:

The stars in the sky aren't enough light
To brighten the darkest part
Even on the clearest of nights
The pieces of my broken heart.

I don't understand the concept of time
It's been 2 years, it's just not fair
My world stopped at the drop of a dime
The pain I feel is still so near

To see you, hold you, kiss you a billion times more
Now I have to close my eyes to feel your touch
Was how I thought it was going to be for sure
Julia Caitlin Levy I miss you so much!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 8, 2005 11:43 AM CDT

I told you I'd be back. Yesterday was a day full of emotions. I actually couldn't wait for the day to end. It's funny, in the middle of the night (my usual routine) I was watching "Murphy Brown" and she was having a real lousy day and was counting down the minutes until the day was over. Pretty ironic.

Today was Jacob's first day of Kindergarten. What a trooper he was!! He was so excited to put on his bookbag and didn't cry at all when we got there. There were a few children crying. He was all smiles. I had a lump in my throat but didn't let it show until my ride to work when I realized that my baby was now a school age kid and that he was the last one to go to school. Then I got bitter sweet because I missed out on the opportunity to take Julia to her first day of Kindergarten. I have three out of four kids in school now. It wasn't suppose to happen like that. My plan was to have all four in the same school. So yes, I am pretty bitter.

Also going back two years when my mother-in-law called me at home because Julia was unresponsive and I flew out of work like a bat out of hell. I can still feel the feeling of not being able to breathe. Not knowing that two days later my baby would die in my arms.

Needless to say that all the stress factors are back for the time being, neck pain, back pain, palpitations, anxiety, etc. This too shall pass. I just can't explain the depth of this pain to anyone who has never gone through it. It is totally imaginable.

Thanks again for the continued support.

Judy

Tuesday, September 6, 2005 11:11 AM CDT

It's definitely been quite a while since I posted. Well, I am posting to let you know that I am still here. I don't find it very easy anymore to come to Caringbridge sites, let alone my own. I haven't reached that "comfortable" place yet. I have reached a place where medication has finally worked and is doing its part to bring me out of the depression that has haunted me and is keeping me at an even keel so that I don't fall right back into it, but the fighter that I am is definitely fighting to go back into it. With the two year anniversary of Julia's death approaching I am getting weaker at this struggle but will not throw my hands up. I can't believe that it is almost 2 years. I still remember her taking her last breath like it was yesterday. I have been pretty emotional this morning so I am going to keep this very short. I promise to journal more mainly because I need to for my own therapy. Thank you for all of your emails and guestbook entries.

Judy

Wednesday, June 29, 2005 9:26 AM CDT

Hello everyone,

It's been over two months since I posted here. Today is the first day that I was actually able to do it. Life has thrown me some curves that I was having difficulties dealing with. Depression! Yuck! I was in what I call a major depression for three months, ever since the 18 mth mark of losing Julia. I have never felt as low as I did during this depression. I was still functionable (not sure how) but inside I was completely shut down. This lasted until recently when they finally found a medication that helped bring me out of it. Unfortunately it brought me out so fast that I feel like it's all a fake, I didn't have the opportunity to work through everything. One day I'm lower then dirt and all of the sudden, like flipping on a light switch I'm feeling great. My mind hasn't quite caught up to my body. Not sure if that's understandable but that's where I am.

We are right now in Georgia visiting family. It's the first vacation we have taken without Jules. Although I see her the most beautiful butterflies and know in my heart that she is with us.

I don't want to overload myself too much so I'm just going to end this now and I hope my next entry will be sooner rather than later.

Thank you for your continued support.

Judy

Monday, April 4, 2005 3:26 PM CDT

As it turned out Friday and Saturday were good days. No tears were shed. Sunday proved to be different. Jacob had a b-day party to go to and the theme was Dora the Explorer which was Julia's favorite. I knew there were things I still had that Jules never opened so I went in her closet and just started crying. Today there were no tears just that overall blah feeling. Very fatigued and from carrying stress my neck and back hurt tremendously.

I have an idea to go away for a weekend but I need some suggestions from people. Something that will be very inexpensive but a nice place. I may go with my sister or a friend.

I wanted to thank Taryn for what you wrote in the guestbook. Feel free to email me anytime and hopefully we can build a friendship that way. Thank you for keeping me and my family in your thoughts and prayers.

I'm at work and finally my day has come to an end. Thanks for being there everybody.

G-d Bless,
Judy

Friday, April 1, 2005 1:48 PM CST

The stress is so incredible and to have depression on top of it. That's quite a bundle. Today is an okay day. More happy feelings. I like myself better this way. Too bad I have no idea if tomorrow will be the same but I live one day at a time so I'll enjoy today. I'm looking into support groups for me. I need to take care of myself and as a mom that is just so hard.

I often feel so alone. I also feel like since I never really slowed down since Julia died and that Jerry is doing well my body knows it's okay to break down. At the same time I'm pissed because it's happening now. All I want is to be able to sleep thru the night and have one day stress free. Not alot to ask for in my opinion.

Again I need to thank my friends, old and new who have entered my life and have been supportive. I know everyone wants to wave that magical wand and take all the pain away, and believe I'd love it but your support is what I need. I'm not looking for anyone to give me answers because there aren't any I just want an ear to listen to me or a shoulder to cry on.

I think I need, no I know I need some time for myself so I'm trying to figure things out. Maybe go away for a weekend or something.

Since I haven't prayed in such a long time I'm asking you to please keep my oldest brother in your prayers. He's going thru a rough time right now and I wish I could make things better for him but he's in another state. We share alot of the same emotions.

Have a good weekend.

Monday, March 28, 2005 11:18 AM CST

I hope everyone who celebrates Easter had a happy one. We celebrated it, the kids received baskets and I hid eggs for them. Justine made mashed potatoes which she is very proud of because she peeled and mashed them all by herself. Very good lumpy potatoes!!!

I'm still in a major slump. I can't seem to get out of it. I put on a good front during the day, always smiling, but when I talk to friends or when I'm at home I let go whether that means just feeling so depressed or crying. I want to thank those special people for being there for me. Just to remind everyone that I am not looking for answers just your ear or shoulder. It's so tough. I never, never imagined 20 yrs ago that this would be my life now. I also know that I will come out of this, it's just taking a longer time than usual and I can't fight it I just have to go with it.

Thanks for reading my feelings.

Judy

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 10:57 AM CST

I wrote this the other day:

I NEVER KNEW PAIN COULD BE SO MUCH
LIFE STILL GOES ON EVEN THOUGH MY CHILD IS NOT HERE
LIKE A WOUND THAT YOU CAN NOT TOUCH
MY ONLY WISH IS TO HAVE HER NEAR

IT'S BEEN A YEAR AND A HALF SINCE SHE DIED
MY FAITH IN EVERYTHING HAS DEFINITELY SHIFTED
NOW I WALK WITH 3 KIDS INSTEAD OF 4 BY MY SIDE
I JUST HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL SOMETHING IS LIFTED

THE PALPITATIONS, HEARTBURN, HEADACHES, ALL EATING AT ME
I'LL BE OKAY THIS I HAVE NO DOUBT
I WON'T GIVE UP WATCH AND SEE
THERE'S JUST DAYS WHERE I HAVE TO LET IT OUT

MY SUPPORT SYSTEM IS AWESOME AND I THANK YOU
MY WORLD HAS CHANGED FOREVER THIS I'M SURE
TO LEND A SHOULDER IS SOMETIMES ALL THAT YOU CAN DO
HOW COULD IT NOT FROM THE PAIN THAT I'VE ENDURED


For those of you who knew and those who didn't, I had a thallium stress test (3 1/2 hrs, exhausting)done yesterday and I won't know the results for a couple of weeks but the dr. doesn't seem to think anything is wrong with my heart. I know it's all stress!! So, so far so good. I'll keep you all posted.

Thursday, March 10, 2005 11:26 AM CST

Today is another one of those days that rank up there as a horrible day. It has been 1 1/2 years today since Julia died. I am full of anger, full of sadness, etc. I called my mom and told her that my heart was hurting because of what the day represents. Thanks for being there for me mom! No matter what age you are sometimes you just need your mom. I have also had some super support people at work. I am blessed but at the same time mad at the world. How can time continue to go by when my life stopped? I'm not sure if that is a question that can be totally understood by anyone who hasn't walked in my shoes. The heaviness in my heart is unbearable. I had to look at Julia's pictures with her lying in the casket in order for my tears to release. I haven't looked at those pics for a very long time. I miss my baby girl so much. Life just isn't fair. I don't want to hear that she's in a better place. Today I just don't buy it. She should be here with me, with her mother. I gave birth to four of the most special, beautiful children in the world and I've been robbed of being able to have all four with me. How is that fair? This is where I'm at today and hopefully tomorrow I'll be in a more peaceful place but for today this is it.

Julia honey,
My world is so lonely without you. I miss you sooo much. We talk about you all the time and you are forever in my heart as you are with your dad and brothers and sister. Keep staying with us love. We miss and love you up to the sky and back down again sweet pea, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Monday, March 7, 2005 11:48 AM CST

Today is 27 years since my father passed away. In three days it will be 1 1/2 years since my daughter passed away. Life sure is strange. I haven't been myself lately, just lots of emotions going thru me and talking to a new therapist and realizing how much stuff I am really going thru is pretty wild. I mean, it's my life and I'm used to it but when I hear myself speak about it it's pretty damned overwhelming.

I hope everyone knows that you are all still so very important to me, I just don't have the ability to reach out at the present time. You are all in my thoughts and heart.

I'm pretty drained lately. Just feeling very fatigued but still participating in life so I don't need anyone banging down my door to make sure I'm out of bed. :)

G-d Bless

Sunday, February 20, 2005 2:55 PM CST

I did okay during Julia's birthday. We ended up not going to the cemetary, for those of you that live here you can understand that it was just too damn cold to go. Plus the kids are coughing and I didn't need them to get any worse. We ate McDonald's for lunch since that was Julia's favorite and we had cupcakes and Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream in honor of Julia. We also let balloons go which is when I guess you can say that it hit me. I was crying, I came inside and laid down and cried some more and then I cried more later with my sister. Yesterday I was pretty blah. Just didn't feel much like doing anything but I pushed myself. Today on the other hand I didn't shower until after 1:00P.M. Part of me just wanted to remain in bed (although a difficult task with kids) and part of me wanted to get up and get moving so I wouldn't do the first part. Understand? Crazy thinking but oh well.

Thanks for the birthday wishes to my sweet angel. I miss her more than words could possibly express. Those of you that have gone through this understand completely.

Friday, February 18, 2005 9:11 AM CST

Happy Birthday to you!! Happy Birthday to you!! Happy Birthday Dear Julia!! Happy Birthday to you!!

Our Gulia, Tumbleweed, Rolie Polie Olie Julie Stromboli Guacamole Cappacoli, Snuggles, and forever our Sweet Angel.

Today 7 years ago I gave birth to my third child. Julia Caitlin Levy. How blessed we felt that day............How totally robbed I feel today.

We are trying to make this a day of celebration. Yesterday my emotions were so horrible. Today I feel a bit more stable.

I love my little girl more than life and long for the day when I can hold her again. We all wish you the best birthday ever Jules!!!!!

We miss you and love you forever!! Happy Birthday!! Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Don't forget to send a balloon up to Julia for her birthday!!! Thank you!!

Thursday, February 17, 2005 2:54 PM CST

Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday. Julia would be turning 7 years old if she was here with us. My sister asked exactly what I wanted to ask of everyone.... just at some point during the day or evening please let a balloon go up to heaven for my sweet angel. Today has been a very emotional day for me. I miss my daughter more than words can express. The pain is sooo deep and so intense. I just want to thank my friends for being there and letting me cry on their shoulder or on the phone to them. Your support means everything. We have decided to keep Jordan and Justine home from school tomorrow. I'm pretty sure we'll keep Jakey home also. My sister-in-law arrives from Georgia today so we will all be going to the cemetary together tomorrow. Then on Saturday my mother-in-law is moving to Georgia. Too much going on!!! Life just won't be the same without her! But she has to do what's best for my father-in-law and it seems like Georgia is the answer to his good health.

Please keep myself and my family in your hearts. Please don't forget to wish Julia a heavenly happy birthday.

Monday, January 24, 2005 11:01 AM CST

It's been a long time since I journaled. Ever since Cheyenne passed away I have felt so disconnected from things. She was the last of the kids 'circle' who I knew of that were all using Protocel and to know that we lost every single one of them was too much for me to deal with. I haven't visited anyone's site which is so opposite of who I am but I couldn't do it and still can't. I can't stand what is happening and it just tears my heart apart to know what cancer is doing to our children.

I have heard enough people wondering where I've been so here I am. I know I mentioned before that sometimes I need that added push to come here and journal. Sometimes it is so hard for me to do it. I think about it all the time and check the entries daily but to come here and journal is tough at times.

Jerry's b-day is Thursday and mine and my sister's is Saturday. Then Julia's is in February. It's just a never ending cycle. I just got done wearing a holter monitor for palpitations and I'm happy to say my heart is good, it's just stress. Imagine that!! I'm on a beta-blocker right now so hopefully that will help with the symptoms. I follow up with my doctor in a week or so. My body is just handling lifes stressors a little different I guess. It doesn't seem like much has changed. I'm still me and my life is still the same. I have run into people who didn't know about Julia or didn't make the connection that she was my daughter. I was able to tell my story and contain the tears. Why I wonder. I also wondered if they were thinking that also. People continue to tell me how strong I am and how I am admired. I so wish I could be an outsider looking in and see what these people see. I am who I am. I'm still there for everybody.

I don't know. Just not feeling I'm where I want to be but I haven't a clue where I want to be. Just feeling pretty disconnected. Missing my little girl something fierce!!! That perfect family I had, two boys, two girls. I still look for her now and then. I feel bad for Justine, not having a sister anymore.

This is pretty much a rambling journal so I'm going to end now, I just wanted people to know that I am still around and I'm okay. Thank you.

Friday, December 24, 2004 10:59 PM CST

It's been pretty difficult lately. Just trying to get through the holidays. I went to the cemetary the other day and released so much emotions that I had been bottling up inside me. The weather was as beautiful as the day of the unveiling. I didn't have a jacket on and weather was sunny and calm. After a while when I calmed down and was just standing there looking around for a butterfly knowing that I wouldn't see one in December a gust of wind came by me and as quick as it came was as quick as it left. I say it was Julia wrapping her arms around me and giving me a hug since she knew I was looking for some sign. This is the time of year when Julia was diagnosed. I remember last year reliving moment for moment and this year it had to be brought to my attention by someone that this is when she was diagnosed. I was so into worrying about getting through the holidays that I never even thought about it. Everybody has always told me that the second year is harder than the first and I really couldn't understand that. Now I understand because reality is so much there now as opposed to the first holiday season without Jules. We were too much still numb and in shock. As you can probably guess, my house is full of butterflies and angels. The top part of our tree has all of Julia angels and ornaments all over it. I miss my sweet baby so much. The pain will never lessen. Never.

My sincere and deepest wishes for a Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday season to everyone from my family to yours.

Wednesday, December 8, 2004 11:06 AM CST

It's been a long time since I journaled. I still came to the site everyday to check the entries but didn't feel like writing. Usually I withdraw from friends and family when I feel down but lately I've withdrawn from my caringbridge family. I just didn't want to be connected with anything. I don't quite understand it, hell I don't quite understand much of anything since all this started, but I do know that I have to go with how I'm feeling and just let nature take its course.

Chanukah started last night. Jordan asked me why I didn't have any decorations up, he said that usually I'm the first to have everything done. I haven't felt too festive this month. Ever since Thanksgiving and how I was so emotional I'm so afraid that this month will bring it on again. Which I know is okay it just gets scary sometimes. So last night I got all the Chanukah decorations out and decorated. We also celebrate X-mas so I have a little more time to decorate. I just have to put my feelings aside and do what's best for the kids.

Happy Chanukah!!! I promise to write again soon.

Judy

Thursday, November 25, 2004 12:23 AM CST

Happy Thanksgiving to all. I wanted to let you know that you are all in my thoughts as much as I am in yours. Today is a very emotional day for me and Jerry. We took turns consoling each other as we both let out emotions. We miss our daughter so very much and the pain is still so unbearable. We were able to discuss happy memories way back to the day I delivered her. We know she is in a better place and is happy and healthy and that is all we ever wished for our children. Please take an extra moment and hug your loved ones a little tighter today.

Julia,
I haven't felt the need to type to you because I have felt you so much inside me but I just wanted to thank you for being there earlier for Mommy and Daddy. We both love you and miss everything about you sweet pea. Forever in our hearts!!! We all love and miss you! Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Thursday, November 18, 2004 3:25 PM CST

Sorry it took so long for this update.

Julia's unveiling was absolutely beautiful. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. The sun was shining, her stone was incredible, and I was surrounded by friends and family.

We drove up in different cars since there were so many of us following eachother. I drove up the cemetary hill and told my niece that I could puke right then. I was so afraid the stone wouldn't be there. She begged me not to. :) There was a parking spot waiting for me and when I pulled in I just sat there. I couldn't move. My body was shaking not only inside (which it had been doing all week long) but now I was visibly shaking on the outside. John came over and opened the door for me. Not sure if he knew I felt paralyzed or not, but thank you for being there for me.

There were once again so many people there and the Rabbi did the service and read my poem. During the service Justine was leaning on one side of me and Jacob on the other and Jordan was next to me with Jerry behind him. Well, my heels kept sinking into the ground and with both kids leaning on me I was holding onto the stone next to me which was my dad's, so as a friend told me, "Think of it as your dad being there for support". (Thanks John, again) During the service I was crying of course and all of the sudden out of absolutely nowhere a yellow butterfly flutters by. My tears stopped and I began smiling. I looked at Jodi to see if she saw it and she nodded at me. After the service so many people mentioned how butterflies should not be out in November. All the more reason to believe it was Julia. My baby girl came by to let us know that she was okay. Her tombstone has a beautiful rose on the left and a big butterfly on the right.

I can't thank everyone enough for coming and supporting myself and my family through this hardship. Thanks to everyone who brought food and sorry to those we didn't get a chance to say hello to. There were so many people.

To those that couldn't make it, thank you for all of your well wishes and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.

G-d Bless everyone.

Saturday, November 13, 2004 9:27 PM CST

Well, here it is, the day before Julia's unveiling. I haven't had a nervous breakdown which I really thought I would have. I know in the end everything will be fine but my nerves somehow don't agree. My anxiety level has been sky high, all the side effects that go with that are incredible. Just get me through tomorrow and I'll be okay after that. I think it's just so much bs that I've gone through to get to this point and it's another milestone that we are hitting and it just plain sucks. Can't say it any better than that. I am writing a poem to be read at the ceremony tomorrow and here it is:

MY SWEET JULIA

My sweet Julia this day is for you
You have blessed our lives for 5 ½ years
We are here to honor you, not to feel blue
As I stand among friends I feel joy rather than tears

Getting this stone has been a long haul for me
Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob will forever carry you in our hearts
I wanted it perfect for everyone to see
Whether we are together or far apart

As I sit here and write this the tears roll down my face
My heart is aching but a smile is seeping through
I know in my heart you are in a better place
To have had you as my daughter is anything but blue


There is also something else I'd like to share with you. A letter to my daughter Julia from a young lady who is eight years old and holds a very special place in my heart:

Dear Julia,
I wish we could be with you on November 14th for the ceremony and unveiling of your stone. I will be thinking of you on that day, my Julia C. Levy. And you are not that stone at all! You are JULIA.
I never knew you but I feel like I know you well in so many ways. You changed my life. You were with me when I won the Liberty Award and when I went on Tony's show and you will be with me at The Concert of Excellence. Last Halloween when you had just recently become Angel Julia, I took my candy in Ridgefield and threw it up to Heaven for you.
I think you got it because it never came down! This year I took the candy and spelled out the words JULIA THIS IS FOR YOU on the floor in my room in New York after trick or treating. Julia you are not gone, you are never gone, you are here. You are always beautiful and I think you are always always happy and playing in the sky. I can see you and so can a lot of other people. I always talk to you and now that it is cold and there are no butterflies around I will just talk to you without them around and until they come back.

With love from your friend,
Arabella Eliza Frances Uhry (Mao Yue)

I have been blessed with many special people entering my life. Please continue to keep myself and my family in your thoughts and prayers.

G-d Bless

Thursday, November 4, 2004 7:32 PM CST

It's been a while since I've updated. I have thought about it daily but never sat down at the computer until now to do it. I've been pretty much in a funk I guess you could say.

We've lost more caringbridge kids and it just breaks my heart. Cheyenne and Connor. It gets me so angry. These poor innocent kids being taken away from their families way too soon.

Last week at this time the kids and I were at a one year old's birthday party. Lots of kids, adults, games, etc. She even had her own smash cake and we all sang Happy Birthday before her diving in. Everything was good. I made it through. Her name is Julia. Then we sang again for the real cake and I couldn't finish the song. I put my head on my sister's shoulder and started to cry. We went outside and I cried that I'll never be able to sing Happy Birthday to my Julia again. Not to her face anyway. It was difficult but I made it through. She is a beautiful little girl.

Today my doctor left our practice. He is moving away. He has helped me so much with my crises in my life. I am so sad to see him go. I cried. I am going to miss him.

On Saturday I went and approved my daughter's tombstone so it should be at the cemetary by the end of the week. So I've been told. We are having the unveiling on Sunday, November 14 at 12:30 at Beth Abraham Cemetary and then come back to our house for lunch. I am asking people to bring a dish.

My van died today. Pretty stressful day!!!!!! Who knows how long that'll take to get fixed.

Thanks for all the support that you all have given me. I really appreciate it.

Monday, October 25, 2004 8:08 PM CDT

Yesterday we went to The Caring Place for a quilt ceremony. At the end of our session last year we (each family) made a square filled with things about our dearly departed and then they stitched them all together and had them hanging on display. There was a room full of people and not too many dry eyes as the computer would show an enlarged picture of your square and you were called to the front of the room to receive a picture of it. I got to see Kelly who is SamuelJ's mom. Sam will be gone a year on Nov. 5. We just stood there hugging and talking. Tami and I are hoping to go to Sam's ceremony at his church. They also had an open forum where people were saying different things and kids would say how much they missed whoever the person was. It was very touching. Like I said, a bunch of wet eyes. Which probably led into today's mood..........just in a funk. I miss my daughter so horribly much and all I want is to have her back. But I can't get her back. A friend of mine who is going through a divorce and custody arrangements told me that he doesn't have it as bad as I do. His estranged wife may change the days when he could get his son but he knows he'll always get him but I can't have my daughter anymore. Life just doesn't seem that bad when you still have your child. I'm full of rage and anger. I want my daughter back!!!!!!!!!!! Justine is expressing the same feelings. She and I had a discussion last night and tonight again about Julia and how much she misses her. This just absolutely sucks!!!! It's this horrible feeling in my stomach when I really sit there and think that I will hold her again, never hear her giggle, never call her my roliepolieoliejulieraviolicapicoliquacamole. Never, never, never.

Jacob is ready for bed so that's it for tonight. Hopefully tomorrow my mood will be better.

Saturday, October 23, 2004 8:29 PM CDT

Today was a bit of a tough day. Just full of alot of anger that my daughter isn't here with us. Jarrod and I were talking about how we were both thinking about Julia today and how much we miss our daughter. We talked about her for awhile, both taking turns wiping our eyes. I think I have figured out a way to avoid the painful feelings. I don't know what I figured out but sometimes I can just turn them away and other times I can't do a damned thing but let nature take its course. When I start to feel so much pain I get angry because Julia is no longer here and the pain turns into a stomach ache and I start feeling waves of nausea because there's just not anything I can do to bring her back and my g-d does that hurt. I'm still waiting to hear if the rabbi has got in touch with the monument place yet to give them the hebrew lettering line-up. That's another thing that is just taking way too long to come to an end. I just want her stone up and be done with it already. Tomorrow we have a ceremony at 2:00 at The Caring Place. The square that we made in honor of Julia has been attached to others and is completed so we will be able to see that tomorrow.

Kids are calling me. Good Night and my thoughts go out to all those in need.

Monday, October 11, 2004 5:00 PM CDT

We went to the Pumpkin Patch yesterday with three other families and the kids had a ball. There were corn mazes, petting zoos, slides, cartoon characters made up of pumpkins, haunted house, etc. etc. While Jarrod and I were in the play area watching the kids I told him that I miss Julia's prescence so much when we are surrounded by other children. I get so damned angry because she should be here enjoying herself like her brothers and sister. He was thinking about her also, he pointed to a sign that read Tubeslide and from a distance he could only see Tu and thought it said Tumbleweed. I started to cry. It's just so unfair at times. I mean all the time but at certain times it's just more unfair.

Today Jordan and Justine were off school for teacher parent conferences and I'm proud to say that both of their teacher's had nothing but good things to say about them. Jacob had school today and had an enjoyable day.

I thank you all for visiting the site and signing the guestbook. I look forward to reading it. Your support is absolutely awesome!!!

Sunday, October 10, 2004 9:02 AM CDT

I've wanted to update everyday since my last update but I just didn't have much to say. I still don't but here I am. Kids are good, getting over their colds and coughs. We have parent teacher conferences on Monday so we'll see how they are doing, not that I expect to hear any negative words.

My thoughts are with all of our Caringbridge families that need prayers and although I don't visit all the sites everyone remains in my thoughts.

I guess that's it for now. Just kind of going with the flow of life.

I'll try and make my next update sooner.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004 7:01 PM CDT

"How are you?" "Are you okay?"

These are questions that have become the most ridiculous sayings in the English language to a grieving person. How do you think we are???? I'm not being mean, I've just got to the point where I don't even know how to answer these questions anymore. I usually answer by saying that I'm hanging in there. As a grieving parent will I ever be okay? There is no better question as there is no better answer. I probably feel the same way answering as does the person who is asking the question. I never thought twice about those two phrases before I lost my daughter.

Anyway, my calendar today states:

Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.

My world has been flipped from side to side, up and down, and then some but right now what The Tumbleweed Foundation is doing for people is right where my heart is. I also was talking to a friend today and found out that a friend of her husband's lost their little boy recently to a brain tumor and my first response was to please pass on my number to those people. Maybe they won't use it now but to know that there are people out there who have walked that road before them may be something they need. I know I needed that and I didn't have someone to talk to. That's why I repeatedly told Tami and Jeremy to call us anytime. We are on the same horrific journey only further ahead.

My kids are fighting whatever is going around, headaches, stomach aches, sore throats, runny noses. The joy of school and seasons. Hopefully Jordan is having his birthday party this Friday night. It's going to be a pizza party and then a sleep over. His b-day was earlier in the month but we wanted to wait until going to school settled in and everything. Hopefully everyone will be healthy and it won't need to be postponed.

I notice that ever since Julia's one year passed that I haven't written to her here. I don't really feel the need right now. I have been having her so strongly in my heart that I don't feel the need to have to write. I'm not sure if that's understandable but that's where I have been so far.

Friday, September 24, 2004 9:29 PM CDT

Jacob has been talking so much about Julia. He misses her so. Last night he started talking about her and saying how much he missed her and wanted her to come down to play with him. I explained that she couldn't come play and he wanted to know why. I told him that Julia was in heaven and we wouldn't be able to see her again on earth. That didn't make him very happy. He told me that he wanted to see her and that she wasn't even bowling! Mind you bowling means when it is thundering out that is Jakey's sister bowling in heaven. I told him that she was probably playing with other toys and that I am sure that she misses her little brother as much as he misses her. By this time I had a lump in my throat but was able to continue talking to him. I explained that even though Julia wasn't here anymore we all still have her in our hearts and there will be a day when we will all be together again. Jacob then proceeded to tell me in his little four year old ways that he can't see her because he doesn't have a brain tumor. At that point I had to lift my jaw off the floor because I couldn't believe that came out of his mouth and basically the conversation ended there. Wow, from the mouths of babe. It was so nice to hear his memories of her which made me smile instead of cry. I was so happy that he could remember her playing with him and kissing and hugging him. How wonderful. G-d willing those memories will stay with him.

I just wanted to share that story. Good night.

Monday, September 20, 2004 8:58 PM CDT

I'm going to try this again. I typed last night and the computer wouldn't let me hit send so I got frustrated and went to bed and I'll do the same thing tonight if it happens again.

Life has been pretty much status quo. Which is okay for me. This weekend I was in a funk, just missing Jules so much. I took the kids to the park with some friends and I just missed seeing her being able to run around and play like other kids. I haven't been emotionally in a funk just feeling the tugs at my heart. I know she's in a better place and I picture it all the time. Jacob the other night was on my lap while eating dinner and looked at Julia's picture on the wall and said how she would always hug him and kiss him and play with him. His little eyes filled but he just kept talking about her and how he missed her. I enjoyed the fact that he had memories of her. That has always been my biggest fear. When we went to bed he started again and we both laid there with tears in our eyes holding each other and knowing how much Julia loves us.

I want to tell people that (and I'd love to speak for everyone but I can't) while I have experienced the most painful and dreadful thing that a parent could ever imagine my life is still going on. I can not be shielded from anything. What I mean is that people try and protect me and not tell me their problems because I have enough on my plate, they are right but life has not stopped around me and I can't be protected so please treat me like you always have. If I don't want to hear your life story then I'll tell you that but don't be afraid of unloading too much on me. I am still the same Judy that I was before I had this tragedy in my life. This is not generated for one particular person so I don't want my phone to start ringing.

I'm going to hit the magic button so hopefully this will work. Until next time..............

Saturday, September 11, 2004 9:33 PM CDT

Today was a very tiring day. Jordan has his first soccer game which he absolutely couldn't wait for. He did great, such a natural!!

Other than that I was emotionally drained all day. I slept exactly six hours and it felt like all I did was blink. Yesterday absolutely had such an impact on my body that today I am feeling it. I had no strength, couldn't open a simple bottle of gatorade for Jordan. (Thanks Kathleen) It seemed like I couldn't speak very well today. My mind would be thinking one thing and the words just weren't coming out in complete thoughts. I went shopping with Jodi and she had asked me if I was nodding off. I wasn't, I just kept going into my own little world where no one else existed but me. I then think about my life and my Julia and all the pain I have endured and then I kind of snap back to reality. I think that sucks alot out of me as well.

I let a balloon go today for Caitlin's birthday. She and Julia are the same age. Please visit her site to wish her a happy birthday: www.caringbridge.org/ny/caitlintaylorgunn. Caitlin's mom was sending lots of balloons up to her today so between the two of them I think heaven is pretty well stocked with balloons.

Thank you all so much for all of your support. You really do help me. I keep all of my caringbridge friends in my heart and wish them all peace and no suffering. I entered into this lifestyle and it has now become part of me and this is where I am going to stay. Julia has taught me to continue to be the person I am and that I will do by continuing to reach out to whomever needs it. I was blessed with such beautiful children and nothing will ever take that away from me. I love you all, Jordan, Justine, Julia, and Jacob!!!!!!!

Friday, September 10, 2004 1:05 PM CDT

When I awoke this morning it was like there wasn't a nice bone in my body. I was snapping all over the place and especially at Jerry. He thankfully understood and let me be. Then he just stood there and held me and let me cry and cry. I cried about one year ago when the doctor said Julia only had eight hours left and it was the eight hour mark and she was still alive. I looked at the clock and it was 8:23A.M. and I cried more because it was two hourse before she died. Next time I got a clance of the clock it was 9:23A.M. one hour before she died. I was cleaning out the front closet and kept being busy. Then I found myself sitting on the couch where I sat last year holding my daughter and this time I was holding her picture instead of her. I was crying and crying and thought about how last year I didn't cry. I was sitting there so at peace, knowing my daughter didn't have to suffer anymore, but today I was in total hysterics because I didn't have her in my arms anymore. It was 10:23A.M. September 10,2004 and I a parent was grieving for the loss of my beautiful daughter Julia Caitlin Levy. I lit a candle and said some prayers. About 11:00A.M. Jerry and I went to the cemetary. Jerry hadn't been there yet. As I was doing some readings he was behind me crying. It seems as if we took turns crying today. We just held each other and grieved for our daughter. Jordan and I had a hole puncher in the shape of a butterfly so over the past few days we punched lots of butterflies and I released them over her grave today. There was a white butterfly that flew by us and I told Jerry that it was Julia and he said that it was a moth and I disagreed with him and no sooner did he say that, he got bit on his leg and he let out a little giggle and said that Jules had to show Daddy that it really was her. After that the butterfly stayed real close to us. I didn't cry there because I know that I don't necessarily have to be there to be with Jules, I have her in my heart and when I see butterflies I am reminded of her. It was a lot different when my dad died (I was 12) because I always felt that I needed to be at his grave site to speak to him. It wasn't until I lost my daughter that my feelings changed. Afterwards we picked up Jacob and went and bought our balloons so we are ready for tonight.

I'll continue later...

There was a massive amount of balloons that were sent to heaven from my backyard. Jodi, Kyra, and Cullen were here, along with Cathy, Josh,(Julia's boyfriend),Zack, and Nathaniel, along wieth Shellie and Michael, and Jarrod, Me, Jordan,Justine, and Jacob. All of us had at least two balloons each. It was awesome. My neighbor Linda was out and had let her balloons go so she took pictures of ours going up to Julia. After we were done I once again buried my head in Jarrod's chest and started crying. How I long for my little girl.
I spoke with Jordan and Justine about their day and Tine seemed more okay than Jordan in terms of she didn't really have much to say. Jordan spoke a little of her but said that he had a good day. I think Jacob must have been effected today because he just wasn't himself too much. He wanted his Mommy alot today! Right now I can hear him playing so joyfully with the other kids. I feel overall like I was in a fog today, maybe it was because I am so emotionally drained that I wasn't sure what was coming out of mouth today. It didn't seem to sound like it made much sense but nobody complained to me.

I just want to let out a tremendous thank you to everyone who signed my guestbook, sent me an email, sent a balloon, sent me stuff in the mail, called, thought about me and my family. What a wonderful support system you all are to me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!!

Please visit www.tumbleweedfoundation.com and see a wonderful tribute to my daughter. Mary created a beautiful slide show.

I still don't feel comfortable writing to Julia so I did this instead:

I feel compelled to write a few lines
I long to hold you and kiss my sweet pea
As I look in the sky I see the stars shine
Everybody misses you including me.

I try and think you're in a better place
My heart still hurts this will always be
But if only I could see your face
The only good thing is that you're tumor free.

Today is one year since you went away
Until the day when we will no longer be apart.
I'll never understand why you couldn't stay
Julia Caitlin Levy you are forever in my heart

Thursday, September 9, 2004 7:59 PM CDT

Today was a little harder than yesterday. I wore my black scrubs to work today, just felt like that was the appropriate color. I kept trying to think of what I was doing last year at this time and all I could come up with was that I came into work to tell my office manager that I wouldn't be back because Julia wasn't doing well. Then it hit me all of the sudden....this vision of it being my daughter's last day on earth. All these people sitting in my house in my living and dining room. All here for our support and comfort. I don't remember the day that much as I do the night when Julia had her episodes of turning blue and the hospice nurse being at the house and the doctor was on the phone telling me my daughter wouldn't live that much longer. How in the hell could she tell a parent such a thing? I remember her asking me if I made the funeral arrangements yet, again, how could she? My daughter was still alive, still breathing. As the night went on Julia was pretty much holding her own. The doctor said at one point that she only had about 8 hours left. No way!!!!! You can't tell me that my daughter is going to die in 8 hours!!! Can you imagine??? I remember Julia going from my arms to different people's arms. I don't quite remember everyone that was here but I do remember looking around and thinking how much love was in the room. I also remember not wanting to hold Julia after she had another episode of turning blue, it freaked me out and I couldn't do it. I remember my sister telling me that Julia was holding on until I held her and told her it was okay to let go. As I am reliving it thru this story the night is so damn clear. It's weird looking back and knowing what I know now and sitting there a year ago holding her and not knowing which breath would be her last one. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not, but I understand it. It was a long night.....

Please let a helium balloon soar to Julia at 8:00 tomorrow night. Please tell whomever about it so that they can do it also. My baby girl will be smiling from ear to ear seeing all those balloons!!!

I know I haven't written to Julia recently because it just doesn't fit in right now. I'm reliving a year ago when she was alive. She is so much in my heart that I don't have to write her now.

I wanted to say thank you to Joe for visiting us. (finally!) It was a pleasant surprise and the kids really enjoyed the visit. Please don't be such a stranger!

Until tomorrow........

Wednesday, September 8, 2004 9:15 PM CDT

This day last year my mother-in-law called me at work in a frantic frenzy because Julia wouldn't wake up. She didn't know what to do. I remember running out of work and calling my mom on my cell phone telling her I was coming to get her. I don't remember driving home, I do remember that I felt like my heart was going to beat right out of my body. When we arrived home I was in the house before my mother even got out of the car and I grabbed Julia out of Ruth's arms and held her and she then woke up. That was the beginning of the end.

I have been having alot of the doctor's yesterday and today coming up to me and asking me how I am. One doctor today was in tears just listening to me talk. They are a bunch of good people. I had a friend at work describe my life as a mess but a controlled mess. I like that. It's fitting I think. It made me giggle anyway. My nerves are pretty well shot. My fuses are short, my concentration is shot. I told you how I am on auto pilot at work and the best part is I do the billing so I am constantly working with numbers and I haven't been able to balance at all the first time I try and then 9 times out of 10 I balance the second time but I'm pretty impressed that it only takes me two times and I'm not even concentrating on what I'm doing.

My sister has written in the guestbook that she would like everyone at 8:00P.M. on Friday, Sept. 10 to let a helium balloon go up to Julia so she can see how many people are thinking of her. I really hope that you all will participate in this and drop me a note and let me know please. I'd love to hear from you.

Good night.

Tuesday, September 7, 2004 9:22 PM CDT

Yesterday I spent most of the day in bed. Jarrod was here with the kids and I just couldn't get out of bed. My mind was racing with stuff I needed to do but my body wasn't cooperating. It was the first day where I was able to do that. I wanted to do it again today but kids had to go to school and I had to go to work. Today was a pretty low day, I felt numb all day long. Just thinking about how life was this time one year ago. I was on auto pilot at work. I was actually wondering how my work was getting done because I hadn't a clue about what I was doing. The next few days are going to be really tough.

Got another call from the monument place, they can't afford the "ocean green" stone so they were going to try and get a "tropical green" that they offered at a discounted price and she called me back to tell me that it was already sold. So now they are contacted different places to see if they can get a green stone reasonably priced. Just what I need to hear days before my daughter's anniversary of her death. Whatever, just get me my damned stone already!

I'm snapping at my kids today and had to apologize to them. I think they are acting out due to life and we all just have to deal with it together. Jarrod and I are going to the cemetary together on Friday. We both have grieved for our daughter but separately, so on Friday we will grieve together. We need to do this for ourselves.

I see my sister asked that helium balloons be released in Julia's honor/memory at 8:00P.M. on Friday. Thank you in advance to everyone who is going to participate and thanks sista for the idea!

Good night everyone.

Saturday, September 4, 2004 10:13 AM CDT

Through all the struggles that life has delivered to me it doesn't seem to amaze me how petty people can be. I have been thru much, much more than your average person and I think, no I know that I have done a damned good job to get myself and my family where we are today. But there are still some people who are skeptical of my actions. Which is okay but these are suppose to be people who are very dear to me. Is it jealousy? Is it because they just don't have anything nice to say? Or is it just because that's the kind of people that they are? I think it may be a combination of all three, which makes me sad. If anyone of these people had to be in my shoes for 24 hours I bet their outcome on life would be so much different. Mine has definitely changed over the past year. I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. I know the kind of person I am and that's all that matters. I just needed to journal that so that I could move on.

Tomorrow is Jordan's birthday. He is going to be 11. My baby is growing up! He always asks for stories of when he was baby. From the time I went to the hospital and on. Jordan was born 4 weeks early and was considered a premie. In most cases that wouldn't be a big deal but upon my arrival to the hospital I found out that no only was I in labor but I had lost all of my amniotic fluid (although I never leaked) my placenta was very, very small, and Jordan was in distress. I was to have a c-section up to the very last minute when the doctor told me I could deliver vaginally and she had her hand on the door and told me that she was going to call for the epidural team. I told her I had to push and three pushes later out come the tiniest baby I had ever seen. Jordan was only 3lbs. at birth. He was immediately put in an incubator and taken away. Why I delivered premature and why I had all the complications is still a mystery. After Jordan was born the doctor said had I waited another 5-7 days I would have lost my baby. Jordan then became my miracle baby. I always tell him that he knew it was time to come out that's why he was born early. Pretty ironic how I was in danger of losing my first born and then all these years later I lose my third child. I remember last year Jordan wishing that his sister was better for his birthday. That's all he wanted. Five days later when she died he was so happy that it wasn't on his birthday because he wouldn't have known how to act. He will have his birthday party later on since his birthday is at the beginning of school he always has to wait and get reacquainted with people before he makes out his guest list.

Please continue to keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers and all the caringbridge kids. There are many out there that need prayers. Please don't forget out visiting Julia's other website: www.tumbleweedfoundation.com and also please don't forget to visit her memorial quilt at:http://smilequiltsmemorials.com/julia
.htm

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR JORDAN!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! 11 YEARS OLD!!

Thursday, September 2, 2004 9:26 PM CDT

Today was the first day of school. Justine and Jordan had a good day. They got to see all of their old friends and will meet new friends. Jacob went to his new sitter's house today to get acquainted. Hopefully he will start preschool on the 13th.

I had quite the opposite day. I called to check on the tombstone at about 11:30 this morning and at 3:30 I finally felt some relief. There was so much bs going on that I ended up calling my uncle and cried pretty hysterically to him on the phone. I haven't spoken to him much lately but today I must have spoken to him at least 4-5 times. He even went to the monument place and called me afterward to let me know that everything was ok and all we could do now was wait for the stone to arrive. He did tell me one thing which I am grateful for and keep repeating it in my head. He said that Julia isn't waiting for her stone. He's right. I'm waiting for it so I can get it, have the unveiling, and put it behind me and concentrate on the next event that I am quite confident will come in my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Uncle Hymie. I thought I cried all I could cry today but I am right now proving myself wrong. The tears are so free falling.

I really like the story about the butterfly that Mary posted in the guestbook. Thank you Mary. As my sister Jodi said, it is Julia. My butterfly.

I'm so exhausted, so drained.....and the tears won't stop......

Julia,
I love you and I miss you so much. Good night. Kisses and hugs sweet pea.

Monday, August 30, 2004 9:38 PM CDT

I have a couple of mini calendars that have sayings on them that I try and read daily. Here's one I came across:

"How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to".

Pretty well sums it up huh?? Tonight I was at an Avon meeting and commented how emotionally tired I was and the person with whom I was speaking asked me what was going on aside from the obvious which would be Julia. Well by the time I was done commenting on everything that is making that black cloud above my head be (what seems)to be a permanent fixture I really listened to what came out of my mouth and was amazed that I am still living life the best that I am. I mean that's alot of shit for one person to endure. I stayed after the meeting and helped clean up because that's just who I am and the whole ride home all I did was cry, cry, and cry. A couple times I actually couldn't see because I was crying so hard. I was hugging Jordan when I got home and told him that Mom was crying and I just couldn't deal with things so good tonight. I explained that most of the time I can but tonight I just didn't want all the mess in my life, Julia being gone, his dad and I being separated, my father-in-law being ill, trying to get Jacob at school, and just whatever else I left out and I also told him how he and his brother and sister have helped me so much that they don't even realize it. I'm sooooo tired. I just want to blink my eyes and have my life back. Have my daughter back, have my marriage back, have my father-in-law back to normal, have everything in life back to the way it used to be. I've tried it so many times but it just won't turn back. It's so amazing how some days my heart aches so much more than others. I think maybe it aches the same all the time but sometimes my brick wall turns into mush. Which is okay but when the pain hits, it hits with a vengence(sp). I just long for the day when I can hold Julia again and I can be truly happy again. Will it ever happen?? I don't know. I know that the tears are streaming down my face right now and I can barely see the screen. Please keep us in your thoughts, prayers, hearts, wherever you can.

Julia,
Jacob has been talking about you soooo much these last few days. He really misses you. Jordan just asked me tonight if he could have one of your Tweety birds and I told him yes. I believe that's his way of holding onto you. Justine is missing you also. I was sent an email that I had to write my name in it and it was in between yours and Joshua's. I thought that was pretty cool. Jules, keep an eye on Josh tomorrow as he goes in for a CT Scan for headaches. His Mommy is going to need you too. Also, please keep an eye on Mommy. I need you. Daddy does also. I know you've watching him. You are so missed and so loved my Angel. We love you, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Thursday, August 26, 2004 8:22 PM CDT

I left out a letter in the link to Julia's quilt. It is: http://smilequiltsmemorials.com/julia.htm I hope everyone can now get to it. Thanks Mom!

My in-laws left this morning. My mother-in-law will be back on the 4th and then once she gets the house sold and everything in order she will move. It stinks but what are you going to do? Life goes on.

I have more news for Jules's tombstone. I found out that it is mandatory in the Jewish religion that her hebrew name and her dad's hebrew name be on the stone. I didn't want that originally. I just wanted it to be simple, but now that I have learned it so be it. I also can not have an angel of any kind on the stone. We were going to have a face (preferably Jules's but I knew that wouldn't be approved by the cemetary) and have wings behind it but no can do. So now I have to figure it out again what it's going to have on it. It's not like I knew going into this what the hell was suppose to go on a tombstone. Plus the people at the monument place aren't much help. This wasn't the path my life was suppose to go down. The only good thing thus far is that did approve the color I picked for the stone. Originally I picked an Autumn Rose which was feminine and pretty. Since they lost the order, oh by the way they found it, after I already went back in and had to start from scratch. Anyway, I wasn't sure of the name of the original stone at the time (before the contract was found and it had Autumn Rose on it) I was pissed because they were too many shades of pick to choose from and I told the woman that Julia didn't even like pink. Her favorite color was green. So guess what????? The stone is going to be green! That I am pleased with. I am still hoping for the stone to be ready by the end of September so we can have the service for the unveiling. Even though the one year mark is September 10 which is okay. I just want to put it behind me. One less thing on my plate please.

Sooooooooo, geez I'm exhausted just writing it all. Thank you to everyone who has kept my family in your thoughts and prayers. The support is so important.

Rolie Polie Olie,
Hey baby girl! I was talking to Justine tonight who is sleeping over Grandma's with Jordan and Jacob and Kyra and Cullen and she was upset because Kyra wouldn't play with her and I told her that I wished you were there because I know you would have played with her. She agreed and we kind of just sat on the phone quietly as if we were both picturing it. We all miss and love you so much. Jacob is always looking for that shining star so he can say good night to his big sister. Please feel the hug and kiss that I sending you. I love you Julia Caitlin Levy!!!!! We all do, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob. Please keep watch over your Dad sweetie, he needs you.

Saturday, August 21, 2004 6:50 PM CDT

I was off Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of this week. I was suppose to take the kids to Hershey Park, PA but the plans got changed so I was able to spend some much needed quality time with my kids. On Wednesday we went to Kennywood which is Pittsburgh's amusement park for those of you who don't know. The kids had a great time. It was hard for me. As crazy as this sounds, I always thought that one should have even number of kids so they always had someone to ride with at Kennywood. My niece and her son went with us so Jacob had a riding partner. Thanks Davina!! My baby Jordan (who is almost 11) is now too big to ride the rides at Kiddieland and must venture to the 'big people's' rides. On Thursday we attempted the zoo but the weather didn't hold out so we went to a movie instead and Justine had her softball picnic so we did that as well. Friday the kids (except Jacob) went fishing with their friends. Later we went to the zoo. It started raining while we were leaving. Perfect timing. We then went to Grandma's and Papa's house for dinner. I think all in all the kids enjoyed themselves and I know I enjoyed the time alone with them.

Yesterday I went to the Memorial shop and started from the beginning and picked out a new stone and all that happy s**t. This is my third time and it was just as tough. Then later in the day I found out that my contract was found. The new woman who is working there is wonderful and is helping me get what I want and by next month. I'm not sure if I typed what the whole story was but they couldn't find my contract which meant that Julia's stone was never ordered and time is running out and needless to say I was devastated but I had people make necessary calls for me and all is starting to fall in place. Thanks everyone!

This week is going to be hard for my kids. Thursday Nana leaves with Pap to Georgia. Nan will come back only to pack up and sell the house and move down to Georgia. I am going to take my kids to see Pap tomorrow after my nephew's b-day party so they can say good-bye to him. This is sooooo hard!!!!!

We had a wonderful visit from old friend's who moved back to France last year and part of the family came in for a visit. It was nice. The kids will get to see more of them during the week.

That's it for now. Not really but that's enough for me.

I forgot to mention that a quilt was made from smilequilts in Julia's honor. Please check it out and feel free to add a square. http://smilequiltsmemorial.com/julia/htm

Tuesday, August 17, 2004 8:08 PM CDT

Did you ever have a day where no matter how hard you tried to move in a forward motion you just kept getting pushed backward? No matter what I did today I kept running into bs. It's like two steps forward and one backwards. There is so much bs going on right now that I am totally clueless which way is up.

I'm trying to get Jacob into a Pre-K program. Not that easy. The times don't work well with my work schedule. Gotta find a sitter for him. Justine is not old enough for the after school program that is offered at their school. Gotta find a sitter for her. Jordan is old enough but it doesn't start until October. Gotta find a sitter for him.

I called to check on the status of Julia's tombstone and they can't find my contract. Ugh!!!!!!!! The secretary was let go and the guy who ran it is on a leave and nobody knows anything! Next month will be a year since Julia passed away and I was told that I would have her stone by next month. Now the woman tells me it will be before it gets too cold out. I couldn't even respond because I thought I was going to get sick if I opened my mouth. I cried and cried and then made a couple of calls (thanks sis) and my friend is going to take care of this for me. Thank goodness. I can't handle it I'm telling you. It's not so much when the stone is going to be there but there is going to be an unveiling service and I'd like to get that done and over with.

Does it ever stop? I'd have to answer a big fat NO!!!! I know things will work out in the end but it's getting there that I'm having trouble with!

Julia,
I love you and ache for you so much baby girl. I miss you more than words can say. Feel Mommy's hug and kiss sweet pea. We all miss and love you, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Tuesday, August 10, 2004 7:37 PM CDT

I can't believe today is 11 months since you died
Your family misses you so much
I've wished you back, so many times I've tried
To hear your voice, feel your touch

Now my days are filled with pain and tears
For nine months your fight was fought
The loss of a child is everyone's biggest fear
Your brothers and sister talk about you alot

The tumor took you away at only age five
I feel you with me so much more than before
My biggest goal is to keep your memory alive
Maybe now my heart can feel less sore

Julia Caitlin Levy, a shining star up above
You have touched us all in some way
So pure like a little white dove
Your memory will forever stay

I love you my sweet pea.

Love,
Mommy

Monday, August 9, 2004 7:54 PM CDT

Today was a day filled with different emotions. I felt like I was chasing my life and I couldn't catch it. I couldnt' catch my breath today. Yesterday I was okay and today I just felt like I couldn't get a grasp on my life. It really sucked.

Tomorrow marks 11 months since Julia died. I can't believe how fast time is going by. Next month is going to be hard. I'm not sure what I'm going to do on that day but I took the day off from work.

Justine is almost done with softball and then Jordan will start soccer soon. Jacob just plays and plays.

Tonight I was asked if I believe in angels. I believe that my daughter visits me by playing her jokes like my missing keys. :) I also know she visits me in my heart. Some days I feel it more than others. Now when I think about Jules I think about her playing and being happy. That makes me happy.

Please say some extra prayers for my father-in-law. The last couple of days he hasn't been doing real well. They did bloodwork and a CT scan today so hopefully tomorrow we'll learn something. It's pretty much been a guessing game with his condition.

I forgot to mention that I had the pleasure of meeting Sophie (www.caringbridge.org/pa/sophiemae) and her mom Cary at Tami and Jeremy's house on Friday. Sophie is simply gorgeous and Cary is an awesome person. We had a nice talk.

Please continue to say prayers for Tami and Jeremy.

Julia,
I talked about you a bunch tonight sweet pea. Jacob has been seeing your bright star at night and telling you good night and that he loves you. As we all do honey. We all love and miss you so much, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Saturday, August 7, 2004 12:57 AM CDT

Last night was Celeste's vigil service which was beautiful. A little chilly but none the less, beautiful. There were candles lit in everyone's hands and Tami's dad played the guitar and songs were sung and people recited special poems and stories and there were laughter and tears. Tami and Jeremy are surrounded by so much love and support it's a nice feeling to know. The morning service was just as nice and afterward lunch was served with all of Celeste's favorite things. There were pictures everywhere of Celeste and family.

It was a difficult day for me to say the least but I was right where I needed to be. I acted out of the kindness in my heart, the person who I am, that's why I went there in the morning and night. I know some people questioned my actions and there above lies the reasons for them.

To sum up what has been going here, last weekend I attending the Cocalico Cruisers fundraiser with Mary in Reading PA which was four hours away from here. It was an awesome experience and I just today received the check from Tara Jacobs (who I again thank for letting us be a part of it) and the Tumbleweed Foundation made $750.00. Woohoo!!! We sold some of our t-shirts and stuffed animals and I had to speak in the microphone to tell everyone what Tumbleweed was all about. That was alot for me. Hopefully we will make this a yearly event.

I'm not sure what else has happened here. My mind isn't working all that clearly. That's about it for now.

Julia,
Nice trick you played on Mommy earlier suddenly after I was looking for my keys they magically appeared. :) I know you were with Mommy yesterday and I thank you so much. Please keep an eye on Celeste and guide her in your heavenly ways. I miss you, we all do. You are my brightest star and beautiful angel. We love you, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Tuesday, August 3, 2004 10:47 AM CDT

For now I am asking for big time prayers for Celeste www.caringbridge.org/pa/celeste. She is not doing well and her family needs prayers.

I will write more later.

Here it is later and it angers me to say that the damned beast that we all know all too well: diffuse pontine glioma has taken yet another life. Celeste passed away early this morning around 1:50A.M. I know that she was surrounded by many family members. I spent some time there yesterday and then went back this afternoon after I learned the news. It was a difficult thing for me to do but I was exactly where I needed to be. Celeste can now be free to run and play just like Julia.

I will update more about my life another time. I'm pretty wiped out now.

Friday, July 23, 2004 11:27 AM CDT

Here it is Friday afternoon and the end of another week. I am sitting at work taking a little breather until the afternoon hours start and thought I'd journal. I must say I got slammed with emails, entries, phone calls, etc from people feeling very guilty about not following me through these tough times. I didn't write it for apologies. I wrote and write what is in my heart and never do I do it as a public way of attacking (for lack of a better word) anybody.

This week has been pretty emotionally draining for me. I won't go into all the details but I feel like I need a vacation to recover from my feelings. I did spend some time down Mary's yesterday after dealing with a horrific morning of (long story short) getting my van fixed. I was fighting to stay awake at Mary's all due from emotional anguish.

People continuously tell me that life will be good again. I know that my other three kids still need their mom and they sure as hell still have me. My emotional set backs are not preventing my motherly duties to my children. They need me more than ever and they have me. I just don't feel like I have been given the time or the free will to unload my inner self. When can I really? Yes, I have my therapist, my doctor, my close friends, but I need to be in touch with my inner self sometimes and I don't feel that connection. I'm not even sure what the hell I'm talking about but something inside me must know since it's coming out in my typing.

Thanks all for your continued support. Please continue to send prayers out to my little buddy Celeste.

Judy

I just found this on Celeste's site and I didn't think Tami would mind me putting it here. Some of this pertains to me now and others do not but I thought it to be pretty appropriate:

Ten Suggestions From One Who Hurts - To One Who Cares by Jayne Buckles

1. Don't avoid me. Tragedy is not contageous. If you are uncomfortable with me because you don't know what to say, then give me a hug and tell me that you care.

2. Don't ask me 'Isn't it wonderful what doctors can do these days?' It is, but this sounds trite and means very little.

3. Avoid telling me your own related instances unless you feel that it can be of very specific comfort. It grows tiresome to listen to everybody's story and their insistence on telling them comes across as an attempt to diminish the validity of my individual pain.

4. Don't talk too much. Conversation can become a wearing effort when I have other things on my mind.

5. Don't ask me how I am unless you really want to know. Once you ask, be prepared to listen. When I am hurting I have a great need to talk about my situation with someone who is truly willing to listen. Don't be suprised if this need continue much longer than you expect - it is suprising how long it can take to work completely through the intense emotions that accompany grief, tragedy or trial.

6. Be patient with my moods. Sometimes nothing you or anyone says or does will be the right thing and I need your assurance that my grumpiness won't keep you from continuing to try to minister to me.

7. Be willing to spend time with me. A comfortable, companionable silence is refreshing.

8. Find a way to let your love and concern show. It is so easy for me to feel very alone because many who care presume that I know that. I need to be reminded of your caring - often ! Send a card or flower, pick up the phone, stop by, whatever is appropriate, but let your love and concern show.

9. Allow me to hurt. Sometimes I need someone to cry with me more than I need someone to cheer me up.

10. If it fits for you, PRAY - often and specifically. I am always happy to provide specific information for you to pray about.

Saturday, July 17, 2004 5:55 PM CDT

I know it's been awhile since I updated. Mary let me know that actually :) Sometimes the thoughts are constantly going thru my head but to take the time to sit here and write lately seems like such an effort.

My pain has been pretty unbearable for awhile now. One day it hit me that in only two months it will be a year that Julia died and you what..........it really pisses me off. How can life and everyone in it go on while mine has stopped. I know it hasn't stopped but I push myself to get thru the days as others don't even think twice. It's not a concept that I can easily accept. People that I used to talk to all the time, I don't even talk to them anymore or even email eachother anymore, people who I thought were such dear friends proved differently, people have moved on with their lives and left me here. Logically I know that is not how it is or maybe it is. I guess I'm in that woe is me state, who the hell knows. I have so much bs going on now that some days I don't know how I get thru them. Life at home hasn't been a bed of roses. I wish I could be on the outside and watch me and see how I do what I do.

My father-in-law was moved to a rehab hospital one week ago tomorrow but today landed back in the hospital with a high fever. Etiology is still unknown. His whole illness is still unknown. They can't seem to figure out what is going on. I'll keep you posted.

Celeste is holding her own and what a fighter she is. Please visit her at www.caringbridge.org/pa/celeste and send some well wishes and prayers her way.

I hope that one day I'll be able to pray and ask my higher power for some guidance. I'm still not there and am okay with that for now.

Jordan, Justine, and Jacob are all well and enjoying the summer. Jordan can't wait for soccer to start, Tine has started softball and enjoys it, and Jakey is having fun doing everything. They all enjoy swimming whenever possible. Morning, afternoon, and night. Tine had practice the other night and I pitched for them. My brother's would be proud to see how well they taught their little sister. Anyway, the girls were doing great, Julia's friend Isa was up to bat and I completely lost all concentration. All I could think of was what if Julia was here, would she be playing softball? It was really hard to pitch to her but I managed to do it anyway.

Thank you all for your continued support. I really do look forward to reading the entries. You all are a wonderful support system for me.

Julia,
My love. My heart aches so badly for you. I miss you beyond belief. I know you are with me and I am grateful but want so badly to hold you and love you. You are such a beautiful angel, I am sure. We all miss and love you Jules, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Tuesday, July 6, 2004 8:35 PM CDT

This weekend was a tough one. Last fourth of July I stayed home with Julia and my neighbor took the kids to see the fireworks. It was okay this time because Julia was sooooooo scared of fireworks, she would shake. I told Jordan that she was in a room that you couldn't hear what was going on outside and she was having fun playing in the room. We got our pool running and all was good until Jacob wanted held and I was holding him walking around the pool and had a flashback to last year when I would do that with Julia. It hurt but as usual I got through it.

From Justine: Hi Julia. I miss you very much and I love you very much. I bet you're doing really fun stuff up in the clouds and is it fun to jump from cloud to cloud? Do you still like Teletubbies? If not, what is your favorite looney tune?

From Jordan: Hi Julia. I love you and I miss you. Can you be able to ask the holidays what they are going to try and give me? (That's my Jordan!) I hope you are having fun.
Is tweety still your favorite looney tune character? For fun do you use parachutes instead of flying?

From Jacob: Hi Julia. I love you and what are you doing up in the clouds?

I just came back from Celeste's house. She is so beautiful. We had a little pillow fight. She smiled and giggled a little bit for me. She has a hospital bed and has her Hello Kitty tv. What more could someone ask for??? There is so much love in that house. Ella and Grant were pretty wild with each other. They're all gorgeous. It brought back some memories of how Julia was. I felt okay there even though I was down that same road. It just occured to me that it was probably because Julia was there with us.

My father-in-law is still in the hospital and most probably going to a nursing home soon. Unfortunately they still don't know the prognosis yet since they can't do an MRI yet. Today they had him up and walking (with major assistance). This is the first day in 16 days since he's been out of the bed. Life is pretty stressful all the way around.

Julia,
Mommy loves you and misses you soooo much sweetie. Keep watching over all of us. We all love and miss you bunches and bunches. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Tuesday, June 29, 2004 8:25 PM CDT

Well it's been a week since I last journaled. Seems like a lot longer. Where do I start??????

My father-in-law is still in the hospital but was moved from ICU to the Step-down Unit. He has been doing better the last day in a half then he has since last Sunday when he went back in. Hopefully he will continue like this. Both of Jarrod's sisters are still in and I believe they will both go home over the weekend. That's pretty tough on them. I've been going to the hospital as much as I can but it's tough on me too with work and trying to find child care.

My father-in-law told my sister-in-laws that he saw his mom, dad, grandfather and my Julia. He said that she is happy and is with G-d and that she loves us. I truly believe that he went and visited them. I got a call at work telling me this and needless to say I was pretty hysterical but in a good way. I always knew my daughter was okay but it was nice to have that validation.

I think Julia is visiting me right now....my one lightbulb keeps going off and on. Hi baby girl!!!!!!!!!!

I just signed Jordan up for fall soccer and Justine's baseball season will end this Thursday night as it is the last game of the World Series. I'll let you know if her team (Pirates) win. Then she will begin softball sometime after that. Jacob has been spending the last two nights, well three including tonight over his Uncle David (my brother) and Aunt Connie's house. I may not even get him back until Thursday. My brother told me that he hasn't even asked for me which shows me that he is having a blast.

Jordan and Justine are sleeping over Aunt Jodi's tonight because I am having nerve conduction studies done on my hand (finally) tomorrow at 8:00A.M. Lucky me and then I'm off to work after that.

I just wanted to update you and thank everyone for their well wishes for my father-in-law.

I'm off to bed. Good Night.

Julia,
Hello my love. You've been right with me lately and I am so happy. We all miss and love you bunches and bunches sweetness. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Tuesday, June 22, 2004 8:37 AM CDT

Happy Birthday to you!! Happy Birthday to you!! Happy Birthday Dear Jacob!! Happy Birthday to you!! My baby is four years old. Although he tells you in two hours he'll be four, right now he's still three.

Not a whole lot of news on my father-in-law. He's taking baby steps toward the right direction so we'll take that for now. Thanks for all your prayers and please continue.

Please also pray for Celeste. She was in the ER last night and has another bleed. I was speaking to her dad a little bit ago and heard her sweet voice in the background.

I can't even begin to know which way to turn. What a mess my surroundings are right now. Thank goodness for my kids.

Julia,
Hey my love, you've been working alot keeping an eye on everybody and I love you for that. I'm sure Pappy knows you are there with him. He has your picture right with him. Keep an eye on Daddy sweetness. We love and miss you with all of our hearts, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Monday, June 21, 2004 2:26 PM CDT

I need some prayers please. My father-in-law is back in the hospital and the doctor's still don't know what is the cause of his condition. He is considered to be in grave condition as of yesterday, not sure what the status is today. We don't know if he's going to pull through. Jarrod's sisters have come to Pittsburgh to be with their dad. Please send lots of prayers.

I'll update more when I know more.

What's that line.............G-d gives you only what you can handle..............if someone can justifiably explain that to me I'd really appreciate it.

Thursday, June 17, 2004 9:09 AM CDT

Last night Justine's baseball team (Pirates) and family went to the real Pirates game. It was fun. I believe everyone had a good time. The Pirates won 5-3 against the Angels (pretty coincidental huh?) An orange and black butterfly flew in front of my sister's face and landed on my friend Shellie's lap for a short visit before flying away. That was pretty wild. I missed it but it was nice to hear that Julia came for a visit.

Tuesday I went and picked out a tombstone for Julia. It actually went better then I had anticipated. The initial phone call to set up the appointment was a lot more difficult. I think I'll probably have to go back and make some revisions because I don't think it will be in accordance to the Jewish cemetary. We'll see.

School is out and the kids will start a summer reading program on the 28th for 19 days at their school. Jordan did it last year and is excited about it again. That makes Justine a little happier since it will be her first time.

My father-in-law was discharged last evening and is physically doing well. He is still having major bouts of confusion so he will be going back to the ER today per his physician. It's too much for my mom-in-law to deal with at home.

I have made the decision to go back to work full time unfortunately I have to wait and see what happens with my father-in-law since Nan is my babysitter. These past two weeks have been crazy trying to set up whose going to watch the kids. My mom is helping out which is a huge help but this is all day to day. I'm not sure what to do.

Life is definitely not all roses. Actually I feel like I have been surrounded by the thorns instead of the roses. People keep telling me it'll change. Yeah, okay.

Julia,

Hello my love. Thanks for the visit last night. It's so wonderful that you visit everyone. I'm so glad to hear the stories from many people. We all love and miss you terribly angel. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Sunday, June 13, 2004 8:03 PM CDT

This weekend has been very busy. It seems like we have done nothing but spend time at the ball field. Justine played all weekend. Last night after the game was done my sister and I took the kids (except Jake who stayed with Daddy) to the neighborhood fair. Lots of rides and games. Everyone knew everyone which is nice. I ran into a couple of people who I haven't seen for awhile and they extended their sympathy to me and the lump instantaneously appeared in my throat. All I wanted to do was go home and cry and cry. It was so hard walking around seeing families and even though I was there with mine I was still missing part of it. I really wasn't thinking like that before we got there. My nephew Cullen was winning games left and right and Jordan (even though he was the oldest) was so bummed that he didn't win so we tried and tried lots of games and then at the end we stopped at one more booth where you peel off the ticket and if you match the last two numbers then you get the prize, well there was at least four different booths like that but here we were and he tried and lost again. Since it was the end of the night the sweet woman who was running the booth kept pulling out handfuls of tickets and Justine, Jordan, Kyra, and Cullen were in their glory. Well who wins again but Cullen, then Justine won and I opened one and it was a winner so I gave it to Jordan and he won. Yeah!!! Well they each won a tweety bird. I asked who it reminded them of and they both said, "Julia". How ironic that this is where we stopped and played and both kids won a tweety bird. I felt Julia's presence and felt serene for a short time. Thank you Julia.

My father-in-law is recooperating from quadruple bypass surgery and is progressing well. I saw him today. There are some other issues but hopefully Nan will get answers soon. Please keep him in your thoughts.

I made an appt finally to go pick out a stone for Julia on Tuesday. This is not going to be easy but it needs to be done. I haven't been quite myself lately and I appreciate people giving me my space and not hounding me. I was told today by an old friend that life will get easier. Yeah okay!!!!

My little friend Celeste is back in town and has a clinic appt later in the week. Please keep this sweetie in your prayers.

Julia,

Hey baby,
Thanks so much for helping out last night with the tweety birds. Jordan and Justine love them and know that you had something to do with them winning them. We miss you and love you honey. I'm trying to hang in there but lately it's been real tough. I love you Julia!!! Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Thursday, June 10, 2004 10:54 AM CDT

First off I'd like to ask people to pray for my sweet little friend Celeste (www.caringbridge.org/pa/celeste). She is on vacation right now but is experiencing some tumor-like symptoms. She is a sweet girl and needs our prayers.

Secondly, last night was the end of our sessions at The Caring Place. Jordan and Justine made beautiful memory boxes and at the end we were presented with a beautiful statue of the symbol of The Caring Place which is a butterfly on top of a broken heart and on the bottom it said, "The Levy Family, In memory of Julia Levy". They have a wall where a huge tree is painted and tons and tons of leaves are on it where they paint the kids names on it so all my kids got to go up and see their names. It was awesome. There was some mixed emotions about it being the last visit. We had already decided that we will go again in the fall. It has done good for all of us

Thirdly, I went to the Orthopedic doctor today (finally). As I waited close to an hour for him to walk in the room he then stayed less than a minute and that was that. Mind you with lovely insurance copays that minute cost me $30.00. I don't have 'typical' carpal tunnel symptoms but I will go for the nerve conduction studies on the 30th and then back to him on the 8th for the results.

Moving on, I was thinking about something today. You carry a baby for nine months to nourish and you take good care of yourself so that at the end of the nine months you give birth to a beautiful healthy (g-d willing) baby. I was blessed to have done that four times and had four beautiful babies. To hold these miracles that we brought into this world astounded me each time. To this day I still hold my children as often as I can or as often as they will let me. Today is June 10. Nine months ago I held one of my beautiful babies in my arms. It was the last time I ever held her. Can you imagine holding a child and never being able to hold her/him again? I carried her for nine months and cared for her for five and half years and then held her in my arms one last time to have her die in my arms.

Julia,

Honey I miss you so much. I long to hold you, touch you, smell you, kiss you. My heart aches for all of those things. I do have you deep in my heart and that helps me. Please help Mommy get to a better place. Please look down on Celeste and help her Mommy and Daddy do what is best for her. We all love you and forever miss you. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Wednesday, June 2, 2004 8:30 PM CDT

Great news!!!! Jacob went on the potty today!!!!! Both ways(don't want to be so graphic). Yippee Jakey boy!!!! I told him that it is his b-day present to himself. He will be four years old on June 22. Mommy is so proud!!! So is Daddy and Jordan and Justine. I kept telling him that if Jules was here she would teach him. She was always a quick learner.

I've heard a few stories these past couple of days about how Julia has visited people. It's so nice to hear that my daughter is showing people that she is still around, if not physically then by a butterfly, a sunny day, a warm feeling in the heart, etc. etc.

I was asked if my email address could be given out to someone who is going thru the same thing as I and my very first response was yes, absolutely. I have grown to understand that that is what I'm about now, being able to share my experience, my journey with other people. While at the same time being therapeutic for me to speak about my daughter. Someone asked me recently if my kids speak of Julia. There isn't a day that goes by that that sweet angel isn't spoken of. Whether in tears or in happy memories. How in the world to you get through this? I remember thinking at the beginning that I will never get to a place where I am okay with things. You know what, I'm still not there but I'm not where I used to be.

Julia,

Here is a message from Jacob: kkkgjijighgkiuyugjufugufguffffffuuuuuugfghttyluiiiik,t,fityo oftvvvmhcfnhucu umnuhjbsggvsfbsssghxdkjjfltkllhgklhkkkjlkjlkhjkkjhkhg kgjfjhhrfffffffffsqkklftyoruueuri khmhmkhkjkikkk ouk oigoukgoikoikokuuukb kiobobmoommoonpjupukpikoiipou,kjkouik,.ukl.,yuiyhiyuiuyoiyoipyoooopukjouolujluilulluloulluiolooluioliou kikkkkkiokoukiiok

Translated: Dear Julia, She's dead. I'll never forget her. I never let her dead. Dear life Julia.

From the mouths of babe!!!

Julia,
I miss you so much my love. We all do. You are forever in our hearts. We love you, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Friday, May 28, 2004 8:48 PM CDT

I wasn't planning on journaling this evening but when I read Mary's entry about me starting this one year ago today it just seemed right to make my own entry.

I don't even remember it being our anniversary when I started this website. It kind of made my stomach flip when I checked it myself and confirmed that May 28, 2003 I started this site. So much as happened in this past year. I can't even begin to recap everything. To think, I have given you all a year of my and my family's life. In return you have given us so much. All I can do is fight back the tears and thank you all so much. There have been many times when I felt like I wasn't going through all of this by myself, I could feel the support that was coming through from all of your entries. What an awesome feeling.

Today is our anniversary and we decided that we would wait until we had some extra money and go out and celebrate. So we are warming up with some hot chocolate from Starbuck's and watching tv. Justine had practice tonight and I was freezing!

Good night and thanks again to everyone who have touched my life!!!!! I love you!!!!

Judy
Mom of Angel Julia

Thursday, May 27, 2004 8:31 PM CDT

Another week almost over. I finally got my van back today after being without it for.........ever. Thank you Eric for helping me with this!!! Now I have room to take my kids and my sister's kids places in the same vehicle.

Tomorrow is bring your dad to school day. Jarrod is going to hang out with Justine while Jordan goes on a field trip. They never have bring your mom to school day........wonder why. Then tomorrow night Justine was to have a baseball game but that was cancelled so now she has practice and a game Saturday morning.

Last night we went to the Caring Place. There is only one more session left and then we are done. I'm pretty confident that I want to continue on. Justine and Jordan both told me that they were making a memory box about Julia. I saw Justine's and it was just beautiful. I have to wait until next time to see Jordan's. Jacob painted a huge picture a couple of weeks ago and we were able to take that home last night. We finished our piece of our quilt. I hope to add the picture soon to the page. The kids all made something and Jarrod cut out flowers and butterflies and placed them on it. I wrote everyone's name. What a wonderful idea for them to do, they connect everyone's square and hang them on their walls.

Tomorrow, May 28 is mine and Jarrod's 15th wedding anniversary. Wow!

Jordan just came down to get me so this is the end for tonight.

Julia,
Baby girl thanks for being with me when Mommy needed you. You have perfect timing. I see that you've been around all of us and we feel your presence. Not a day goes by where your name is not mentioned. We miss you so much and love you big much. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Tuesday, May 25, 2004 6:06 PM CDT

The Tumbleweed Foundation's first Bowl-a-thon was a success!!! We had about 78 people show up and a good time was had by all. There was a Chinese Auction with lots of great gifts that were won. It was a cosmic bowling so there was lots of smoke from the fog machine and music and there was even a dancing contest. Kids were given prizes for the best dancers. My little Jacob was up there shaking his little body. It was a great feeling to know that it was such a success. Justine commented to me that night that I didn't cry and she was happy about that. I told her there were a couple of times where I thought I was going to but I didn't. It has since hit me. I have been crying since Sunday on and off actually even before that but the bowl-a-thon was very overwhelming seeing the fliers that Mary made up to hand out and just knowing the whole reason that we were there. Another wonderful thing that happened there was that I met Kelly. Kelly is another mom who unfortunately lost a child. An instantaneous bond happened and I look forward to meeting her again. Please go visit the site to learn about her son Sam: www.caringbridge.org/pa/samuelj. There are not enough words to express my gratitude and heartfelt thanks to all who participated in the fundraiser. I probably can't tell you face to face without sobbing in your face so I just want to say thank you to Mary - who made The Tumbleweed Foundation what it is, I'll never be able to thank you enough for all that you have done and continue to you, Jodi - for being the best sister in the world and putting your life on hold to come be with me and my family, Cathy - for having the cutest boys who love me :) and for coming back in my life when I needed you most, Shellie - for helping out with everything from the fundraiser to being an awesome friend, Becky- thanks for the wonderful job you are doing with the volunteers and if I forgot anyone please forgive me it's not done intentionally. I love you and thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!!

Saturday I went to an Avon luncheon and was awarded the Spirit of Avon trophy. I was given it for everything that I had been through this past year and I kept going with Avon. The reason I did that was because of the awesome support I got from my district. It was quite an emotional time for me.

This morning I was on the computer and was reading the guestbook entries from The Tumbleweed site and I began to cry and cry and cry.

Monday at work I spoke with someone on the phone who didn't know Julia had passed away and she asked me how she was doing. Needless to say that took me to a whole new level. I hung up after the conversation and cried.

I've been pretty emotional and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Just go with the flow. I keep telling people that I never know how I'm going to be until I wake up that morning. Nobody said life was easy, but nobody said I'd be dealing with what I have been.

Saturday

Saturday, May 22, 2004 6:59 AM CDT

Good Morning,

Another miserable looking day in Pittsburgh! Rain, rain, and more rain. Baseball games getting cancelled left and right.

Still having alot of trouble with this carpal tunnel. I see my doc in a couple of weeks. So I'm still wearing the splint. Lucky me!!

Tomorrow, Sunday is The Tumbleweed Foundation's first fundraiser, a Bowl-a-Thon. Please check the website for more information: www.tumbleweedfoundation.com and I hope to see lots and lots of people there. It is from 12-3. Like Shellie stated, if it's raining you may as well go bowling. It'll be fun and I hope to meet alot of people who have been visiting my site.

There has been a lot of hard work put into this fundraiser and I hope it pans out. It just makes me realize over and over again how special people really can be.

Julia,
You have definitely touched many, many hearts girlfriend!! (She used to tell me that I wasn't her girlfriend, I was her daughter). Pretty amazing!!!! I've been having a heavy heart lately baby. I'm missing you so badly. Yesterday at work I was staring at your picture and just went into a different zone. It's hard when my thoughts start going and I can't stop them. You are forever in my heart and soul. We all miss and love you very much Jules. Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Tuesday, May 18, 2004 12:07 AM CDT

I know it's been a little while since I posted. I really have been thinking about it alot but sometimes I just don't want to be bothered.

We (Justine, Kyra, and myself) went to Celeste's b-day party Friday night and the girls had a blast. Somehow I became the center of attention when Celeste decided to gang up on me with her girlfriends and have a balloon fight and then a pillow fight. How could I say no? We couldn't sleep over since the girls had two baseball games on Saturday and I wanted them to get enough rest. They won both games!!!! Yeah Pirates!!!

My carpal tunnel is still bothering me pretty bad. I have to get it checked as soon as my doc gets back from vacation. In the meantime I am still wearing a brace. So I am trying to hurry through this.

I have my girlfriend's kids here today and Nathaniel is doing great and his twin brother Zachary is having his adenoids out this Thursday and big brother Josh is here (faking a sore throat :) He has been my big helper today and is showing me so much love. I'm constantly getting hugs and kisses, I told him I now understand why Julia liked him so much. Today is their mom's b-day. Happy Birthday Cathy!!!! We have a surprise for you!!!

Jarrod is working!! Yeah!! We are trying to work things out and he needs to concentrate on himself in order for us to make it. I thank those who give us support and stand by me for who I am and what my beliefs are.

I've been having different moods lately. It kinda sucks not knowing how I'm going to feel one day to the next. I do know that I miss my sweet angel something awful. I know the pain will never go away but sometimes I wish the visions would. I mean I keep seeing her dying in my arms and it just breaks my heart ten times over. I do have alot of happy memories but when it hits, it hits.

Julia,
Hi baby girl. You are missed so much and talked about every single day. People think I don't want to talk cuz Mommy might get upset but I don't mind crying. I love talking about you. Keep watching us, you are an awesome angel Julia Caitlin Levy!!! We love you up to the sky and back down again. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan,Justine, and Jacob

Monday, May 10, 2004 9:22 PM CDT

Today was a bit better than yesterday. I knew it would be. I wish I could have just jumped over yesterday but oh well.

I just got done reading your guestbook entries and I have to thank you so much. I'm not sure if you all realize how much support you give me by your entries. I'm not looking for magic words or any answers, just to know that there are people out there who care about me and my family is so totally awesome! It brings tears to my eyes to read your heartfelt words but at the same time a smile in my heart knowing you are out there for me. Thank you, thank you!!

Sunday, May 9, 2004 8:58 PM CDT

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Not a good day for me. It was full of bitterness, anger, and sadness. Three separate emotions and all for the same reason. I wanted all of my children to be with me on Mother's Day. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less.

Jordan and Justine made me beautiful cards and Jacob I don't think knew what day it was anyway. :) Although after being prompted he did wish me a Happy Mother's Day. My sister and I sat outside while the kids played and then we took them all for ice cream and that was the extent of the day. At one point, I told Jacob that I missed Julia and he agreed with me and then said that she was dead and she can't come back and he wanted to make a statue or a dead toy for her to play with. Out of the mouths of babe huh!?!

Please hold Jarrod and I in your thoughts so we can work through what's going on. The stress is way more then either one of us can handle right now. We are good people and deserve some goodness.

Well, gotta give my wrist some more rest before tomorrow.

Julia,
Good night my love, I missed you so much today honey. The kids and I saw butterflies and knew they were you visiting and playing. My heart aches to hold you and kiss and hug you. We miss you Julia and love you with all our hearts and souls. Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob.

Saturday, May 8, 2004 7:40 AM CDT

Sorry it took so long for this update. I came home Monday night and was purely exhausted!! Tuesday I had to go into to work for a couple of hours since I didn't make it in on Monday. Then I spent the rest of the day with my friend Dina who did a Tupperware fundraiser in honor of Julia to help us and The Tumbleweed Foundation. It didn't go too bad. It was a little chilly being under the shelter all day for Dina and Terri but they were able to get in the sun when they could. My heartfelt thanks to you Dina!! It really meant alot to me for you to do this.

Wednesday and Thursday I had to work. In those two days I did the amount of work that usually takes me a week to do. I had alot of catching up to do for being away. Of course I have no back-up in my position but we won't go there right now. Needless to say by Friday when I got to work my right wrist hurt soooooo bad that they bandaged it up. I use the computer all day and mostly my right hand (even though I'm a lefty) because I use the number pad the majority of the day. So for my being so efficient I have symptoms of carpal tunnel. I went and bought a brace after work so hopefully that will help. So right now, I'm typing as quickly as possible so I can be done soon and give it a rest.

Now let me recap my vacation. I had a nice time. I got to see family that I haven't seen in two years and I got to meet our newest edition. In a sense it was just like being at home because there were kids there and they were hanging on me like they were my own, which I really didn't mind. (Had to go get the brace, ouch). My sis-in-law were in Staples and I noticed a butterfly on the window ledge. It looked like it was stuck so we both went over to it and Mame was too afraid to try and get it so I was able to hold the wing and try and lift it but I pulled a little piece of the wing off but that didn't bother it, it kept flapping around. Finally I was able to scoop it up in my hands and I went outside and opened my hand up and it just sat there. I said, "Hi Jules" and stroked it and away it flew. I had alot of experiences like that where I knew my baby girl was with me. I had alot of down time (which I really didn't realize) to think about her and stay focused. Usually at home I am so busy that I could divert my thoughts elsewhere if I needed to, there I couldn't so it was a bit difficult for me and alot of tears were shed. Which is okay but emotionally I just wasn't prepared.

I was so glad to see my babies here. Life at home is a bit rough right now but I'll manage as usual.

Julia,
Hello my sweetness! Thank you for making Mommy feel your presence in Georgia. Aunt Mamie was right in saying how you are there so much. I know you will be with me on Mother's Day and I'm okay with that. I love you so much. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't talk about you. We all miss and love you up to the sky and back down again and believe Mommy when I say that up to the sky is wayyyyyy up. I thought about that when I was in the airplane. Love you tumbleweed, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Monday, May 3, 2004 9:27 PM CDT

I'm home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm tired!!!!!!!!!!!!


Good night

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 7:40 PM CDT

I MADE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M IN GEORGIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't have any problems with the planes. All is well. I just wanted you all to know that I am here.

Now, how do I relax????????????????????????????

I'll write when I get home on Sunday or shortly after that.



Julia,
Thanks for helping me get here sweetie. Aunt Mamie has pictures of you all over and she has all your gifts that you gave her hanging up. You're here with me baby girl and I thank you. I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss everyone and I love you Jarrod, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Monday, April 26, 2004 6:45 PM CDT

The weekend was full of baseball and it seems like in the blink of an eye it's Monday morning again. Last night my sister and I went to a fundraiser for A.B.A.T.E. which my cousin belongs to and it was pretty fun. We bought raffle tickets and I won. Yeah!!! I was able to pick out a piece of jewelry from four cases and in the fourth one I found the most beautiful butterfly on a chain and I'm happy to say that it looks beautiful around my neck. My Julia is with me. Jodi didn't win anything but regardless we both had a good time.

Here's what I need you all to do for me:

1. I need you to go to www.tumbleweedfoundation.com and check out the information about a fundraiser that my friend Dina is doing on May 4 Tuesday at Schenley Park at the Bartlett Shelter from 11-7. Please visit: www.my.tupperware.com/Dina22 in case you are unable to visit the shelter.

2. I need you to go back to www.tumbleweedfoundation.com and check out the information for our bowl-a-thon on May 23.

Actually, there is one more thing, I think this one should be number one, as you all know I have trying to go away, well third time is a charm. I am attempting to go away Wednesday morning until Sunday. If I journal between that time obviously I have been unsuccessful yet again so let's hope and pray that there's a seat waiting for me on two airplanes. (connecting flights)

Thanks for reading my website and visiting The Tumbleweed Foundation. It means alot to me.

Julia,
I love you sweetie. Please be with Mommy and help me get to Aunt Mamie's house. We miss you angel baby. We love you very much. Mommy, Daddy, Jordan,Justine, and Jacob

Friday, April 23, 2004 5:36 PM CDT

Well here it is Friday and I'm pooped. This usually happens right about this time on Friday nights. The week catches up to me and I'm exhausted. Not much happened this week. I've been on my "roller coaster" ride so I've had ups and downs and that's enough right there to make you tired! My back hurts today, basically from my waist down hurts but such as life. Let's find some good news......

Jordan and Justine had a field trip to the Shrine Circus with school today. They said that it was a fun time. Jacob had his younger (I can't say little) cousin over today so he had fun playing. Jarrod is still looking for a job. Please keep him in your thoughts. He is doing well 'just for today'. Justine's baseball practice was cancelled tonight due to the wetness that has visited Pittsburgh. Hopefully her game will be on for tomorrow.

Don't know what's on for the weekend. We'll just have to wait and see. Hope you all have a good weekend. Thanks for visiting this site and keeping us all in your thoughts and prayers.

Hi Julia,
Rolie Polie Olie.......Sweet Pea..........I'm missing you lots sweetie. I wish I had you here with me. I love you so much Jules. We all miss and love you, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Sunday, April 18, 2004 6:03 PM CDT

What a beautiful day!!! The sun is still shining. I took Jordan and Justine to the field to practice baseball and then they came back home and I took a ride to the cemetary. As soon as I parked I felt the rush of emotions go through me and when I went up to Julia's gravesite it all came pouring out. Not for long, just enough to make me now feel totally drained. These last few days have been pretty hard and I'm in that mode where I just want off this ride. I know I will have my ups and downs but I can't stand the downs!!!! Nobody, nobody should have to go through all of this but since I am I guess I have to deal with it and you know what, I am. I always do and I know I always will.

That's it for today.

Hi Julia,
Thanks for visiting me while I was visiting you. I needed to feel you there with me and you made that happen. I love you. We all miss and love you up to the sky and back down again, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Saturday, April 17, 2004 8:23 AM CDT

Good Morning,

So far I'm feeling a little bit better than yesterday. Justine has baseball pictures this afternoon and then another game following that. Her team won last night. Their first game. I'm proud to say my daughter got a 'team ball' from her coach for hitting the ball against the pitcher. This is the first time Justine actually had another child pitch to her, before it was always the coaches. Way to go Tine!!!

She had a better night than Mom. I tried to contain myself because I wanted to, but it didn't last. Jarrod had asked me what was wrong and I told him that the last time I was here Julia was here with us and it hurt and all he had to do was offer a hug and the tears started pouring. Jacob was asking me what was wrong and when I told him that I missed Julia he was okay I think that Mommy wasn't hurt. I did have a couple of other people ask me later in the game if I was okay because they knew it would be difficult for me and it was. Thanks to my friends who gave me that hug when I needed it. I proudly wore my Tumbleweed shirt with my babydoll's face on it and I did get some comments.

It's amazing how you can go thru life with such ups and downs but you never know when they are going to hit you. I commend us all who are going thru this awful nightmare for our courage and strength. Oh my gosh, I just did what I hate people to do to me, I don't like being told how strong I am. :)

Next subject:
We had a beautiful day in Pittsburgh yesterday and hopefully that will happen again today. Right now my computer says it's 55 degrees but it's still early. Well, gotta go find the papers so Tine can get her pictures taken. Have a great day everyone.

Julia,
I asked you to come visit me yesterday and you did. While Aunt Cashew (Jodi)and I were walking around the field I saw a butterfly in front of me and knew it was you. Thank you baby doll. We miss and love you big much....Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Friday, April 16, 2004 6:49 AM CDT

Today is Friday morning and I'm getting ready to take the kids to school and head up to work. I'm not feeling real well this morning. My throat is hurting pretty badly. I didn't sleep well at all last night. Not to mention I had Jacob with me who for as small as he is doesn't know how to stay in one spot.

Justine had baseball practice last night so we all went down. It was difficult for me because the last time we were there Julia was there and I kept seeing her running around and playing. So my apologies if I seemed like a 'bitch' to anyone. I know I was a bit moody. Then I spoke with someone who I haven't seen for awhile and the lump and the tears would surface and then they'd go away. So tonight is the first game and this will be the same thing because they play at a different field and Jules was there with me all the time and I know it's going to be hard again. So I figured if I wrote it and got it off my chest maybe it won't be so bad. We'll see.

Have a good day.

Julia,
Come visit me tonight at the game sweetie so I know you're okay and then Mommy can be okay. We love and miss you incredibly......Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Wednesday, April 14, 2004 7:58 PM CDT

We went to The Caring Place tonight. It was the first time Jarrod had gone. It was pretty emotional. I talked a bit about the Easter play and got pretty choked up. Jarrod was crying as well. The kids had a blast as usual. Jacob painted a picture, Justine had her picture taken and played ball and showed the boys who NOT to mess with, and Jordan made an Easter basket with a heart and it said I love you Julia. The kids seem to get alot from going there and I couldn't be happier.

Today was a pretty high anxiety level day for me. Lots going on but here it is at night and it's almost all past me now.

My thoughts go out to everyone who needs someone to think about them. I wish I can offer prayers but I'm just not there yet, I'm working on it though. I think people knowing that they are in my heart is good enough though.

Julia,
Hey sweetpea!!!! I love you so much. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and hear that sweet, contagious giggle of yours. I close my eyes and I can....You are my heart. As soon as we got out of the van Jakey looked up and saw a bright star and yelled "Good Night Julia, I love you". We miss you and love you so much Jules. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Sunday, April 11, 2004 1:31 PM CDT

Friday night we went to Church to see the Easter play that Justine was in. I'm a bit "ignorant" to people's titles but during the play a man was carrying a little girl who was dead in his arms lying so lifelessly up to Jesus to bring her back to life and as this person walked by (I was sitting at the end of the pew) and I saw this I immediately started to cry. All I could think of was holding Julia in her final days where she was so lifeless and the flood of memories was way too much for me to handle. Jarrod was sitting next to me and I was just about to tell him that I couldn't sit through the play anymore when I looked up and saw Justine standing there looking so beautiful smiling at me. All I could was swallow several times to get the lump out of my throat and smile back at her. We met eyes so many times and she was hungry for Mommy to give her the smiles so that is what I did. The next part where I got teary eyed was when the three angels knelt down in front of Jesus and they were so beautiful I just started to cry. My mother-in-law reassured me that there were four angels there not just three. Justine did a great job and I am so proud of her. There was a repeat performance this morning but I chose to stay home while her dad went and watched her again.

Today we are having Easter dinner here. My mother-in-law is cooking and we are supplying the house. That's usually the way it works. Hope everyone is enjoying their day.

Julia,
There's a reason Mommy and Aunt Jodi stayed here instead of going to Florida and I believe you had something to do with that. Thanks baby. But please help us at the end of the month when we try again. You continuously visit people and it puts a smile on everyone's face. We love and miss you so much, big much, up the sky and back down again, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Friday, April 9, 2004 10:56 AM CDT

:( :( :( :( :( :( :(

We didn't make it to Florida. All the flights were oversold. We sat there Wednesday night through two flight departures, went home and went back Thursday morning by 5:00A.M. and sat there through another half dozen at least more flights to go home again at 3:00P.M. Jodi's kids were pretty bummed that they couldn't go to their dad's. It ended up their dad came here. How wonderful for them. We went home to turn around a little later and go pick up Jarrod and Eric from the airport. At least all the kids were happy. My excitement from the whole adventure was when I heard someone talking and looked over and saw Sherman Helmsley = "George Jefferson" from "The Jeffersons" going down the walkway. I also watched a woman run down to take his picture.

Jarrod looks good. Kids were elated to see him. G-d willing all will turn out great.

At least I am here to see Justine perform in her Easter play. She's very excited. And now we can all spend time as a family.

Julia,
I heard you have made some visits to my friends. You are wonderful. You know Daddy is home, please keep an eye on him. He's pretty tired now from jetlag. We love and miss you big much baby. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Wednesday, April 7, 2004 4:09 PM CDT

My sister and I are off to the airport to try this Florida trip one more time!!!!!!!! Wish us luck!!! It looks like we have a good chance of getting there.

Jarrod will be coming home Thursday night. The kids are elated to see him. They can not wait!! I know he feels the same way. I'm looking forward to seeing him when I get back.

My little blonde buddy Nathaniel did well on his surgery. He ended up having two hernias which they repaired. He has to take it easy for a while. Tell that to a four year old!!!! G-d willing the surgeries will slow down for my little buddy. His mom and I go wayyyyyy back. I remember when her mom was pregnant with her.

Thanks for all the wonderful words regarding my daughter Julia and the Tumbleweed Foundation. I'm doing just what I am suppose to do and I'm getting guidance from Julia.

Have a great weekend all, I'll let you know if I figured out how to do that myself when I get back.

Julia,
Keep an eye on us while we're flying angel baby. I know you will. Daddy will be here with the kids. He may need a little help from you. :) We love and miss you so much angel, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Sunday, April 4, 2004 7:34 AM CDT

What an awesome weekend!!! As you know from my last entry that we went to visit Celeste and family Friday night. Justine slept over and I personally think she exhausted Tami and then we went back over Saturday afternoon and met some of their friends and had dinner. Kids once again had a blast. Jacob was wound up more than life itself. He got up pretty early yesterday and then took an all day nap (literally) so he was full of energy. Tami had described us pretty perfectly. She said that we are soul sisters. How awesome is that. Pretty intense bond. It's quite obvious. My heart hurts for her as I see her in pain. I know she reacts the same to me. I know we had an instantaneous connection because of our children but it goes deeper than that. My girl Celeste has become so comfortable around me and it's great! She was "attacking" me last night and I was tickling her. Her smile radiates the room.

Please keep Brecklin in your prayers. I hear she is doing a little better but still needs prayers.

My little blonde friend Nathaniel needs some prayers also. He is having surgery on Tuesday for a hernia along with another matter. He'll bounce right back. Wish you all could see that gorgeous shy smile he gives.

I was told last night that I need to stop giving and start taking care of myself. That's a tall order. I guess I'm starting that though by going to Florida with my sister. I'm looking forward to it because I think that is something my sister and I need. We haven't been getting along too well lately and maybe some time away and together will help the matter.

Prayers to all who are in need of receiving.

Julia,
Hello my Rolie Polie Olie. Thank you for the beautiful figurine. It looks just like you. Continue to be there for everyone like you are my love. You're doing some hearts really good. We love and miss you so much Jules. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Friday, April 2, 2004 10:04 PM CST

Good evening everyone,

We just came back from visiting with Tami, Jeremy, Celeste, Grant, and Ella. What a great time we had. Tami and I actually got to sneak away for a little and went to Target to do some Easter shopping. She is a howl to go shopping with. It was awesome to be in there company. Justine is sleeping over there and hopefully will go to bed soon. The kids couldn't wait to get over there. As soon as I came home from work they wanted to know when we were leaving. We are planning on going back tomorrow, of course to pick Justine up but Tami is having a healing friend of hers come over and she'd really like me to meet her. I'm gamed!

Wednesday night we went to the Caring Place. Kids really enjoyed it. Justine made a Dream Catcher and Jordan made a masterpiece out of playdoh. It was a rainbow candle holder. Awesome. Jacob just had a great time as usual. I enjoyed my group time as well.

Jarrod is coming home for good next Thursday night. My sister and I are going to try and go to Florida again next Thursday night. So we may see Jarrod in the airport. :) We have been talking alot and are looking forward to this long haul that is in front of us to make our lives together again.

I would like to ask everyone for urgent prayers for Brecklin. She is in the hospital and not doing well at all. She means so much to me and I know how the power of prayer works so please send lots of prayers.

Also I would like to remind people in a 'nice' way that this site is for me, for my feelings to go to anyone who wishes to share in my journey. This is not meant for anyone to 'bad mouth' anyone. The support I get from this site is so important to me that when I read entries that don't pertain to me I lose out on the support. Sometimes you all are what gets me through the day. So please limit the 'bad mouthing' to personal emails instead of my site.

My friend Chance is not feeling well also and needs prayers, along with Jake, Savannah, Maddie, Celeste and everyone else who is suffering from this horrible disease.

Julia,
Hello my love. You have visited so many people you totally amaze me. I love you up to the sky and back. Celeste says you are her angel and what better angel to have than you my love. Keep an eye on Daddy sweetie. We miss you more than you know and love you more than eternity. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Sunday, March 28, 2004 8:30 PM CST

I feel the need to come on here and vent. I'm so pissed off today (not all day) because of all these sweet innocent children that have to suffer this horrible disease known as Cancer. It's just so damn unfair. These kids shouldn't have to be fighting for their lives the way they do. They should be able to run and play like other children are doing. Why our kids? I'm not getting hooked up on the "why this" or "why that" but it pisses me off none the less. I've said it so many times before but I guess it is worth repeating: I'd give everything up to have my daughter back. All the friendships, support, etc. I'd throw it all away just to have Julia back to make my family complete. I still encounter the awkwardness (sp) of having three children instead of four. All my life I wanted four children. My idea was four children forever not to have taken away. That isn't how my family is suppose to be. My friends get mad at the whole damn situation. Their children lost a playmate. How fair was that!?! My daughter was part of a three musketeer, she had her first boyfriend that lost his girlfriend at age 5. I am ANGRY!!!! I hurt for myself and for everyone else that has to go through this. It is truly the most difficult thing I've ever been through in my 38 years of living. Including losing my dad, being separated, being without my twin for 16 years until she finally moved back and may I just point out that she is leaving again in the summer. I didn't think one person was meant to deal with so much. I'm writing this for me and not for anyone else. i just needed to release and this is my therapy.

Saturday, March 27, 2004 9:16 PM CST

Please also continue to keep Ginger and Brecklin in your thoughts and prayers.

Saturday, March 27, 2004 9:16 AM CST

Let's see, where to begin.............

Thursday was an emotionally filled day. I started by having to go to the bank and get a cashier's check for my mortgage company and get paper's notarized and find a fed-ex box to mail them. Okay done, money that I didn't really want to part with because it doesn't leave me with a whole bunch but what are you going to do? Then I went to a food bank that I was recommended to and had to first swallow my pride which those that know me, know it is a difficult thing for me, secondly I had to sit there and tell my whole story to the woman so I could justify why I was there. What I thought would have been a short visit turned into well over an hour and this woman and I shared alot of information, both on my part and her history. The tears were definitely flowing. So I left there with a van full of groceries and then went onto my next destination. I was at my friend's auto shop when I asked him to check my van because I thought a belt was bad since it was making a whistling noise. Both my friend's listened and looked at the van and then looked at me. I told them not to tell me bad news because I was already emotional and I would cry. Needless to say those guys that are no longer my friends (just kidding) told me my van needs a transmission and can you just imagine how fast that lump in my throat appeared? Then we discussed price and I had to hold back the tears. Wayyyyyyyyy out of my means, but once again, what are you going to do? By the end of the day as you can guess I was pretty emotionally drained. I did speak with Jarrod about it and he feels pretty helpless not being able to take care of this for me but he is making some calls and is going to help me financially of course. Then Justine got her cousin's old furniture and wanted bunkbeds back up again so here we were changing everything around and seeing some of Julia's clothes that I had in the old furniture stirred up alot of feelings. We changed the boys room around a little also. Didn't want to have anyone feel left out. Thanks for everything, Dave, Jaret, Cathy, and T.J.

Last night a few girlfriends from the USC (U-Suck Club), Jodi, Cathy, Mary, Judy, Shellie, and Lisa and I went to Gullifty's. For those of you that don't know about this place it is known for its' desserts. I didn't have any, instead I had appetizers but it was nice getting out and spending time with friends. Thanks guys I love you. By the way who gets April????

Kids slept over my mom's and Herm's last night and I came home and went to bed. Got up early this morning just from habit and now I think (at least that's what I'm blaming it on) because it is so gloomy out that is why I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps. I'm on the edge of crying and don't feel like doing much at all. But in my life that isn't real so off I go to pick up my kids and live my life.


Julia,
I love you so much and am really hurting today. We saw you the other night, the star couldn't have been any brighter. You're forever in on minds and in our hearts. We love you angel baby. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Tuesday, March 23, 2004 7:47 PM CST

Good Evening everyone,

I am requesting prayers for a girl named Ginger. She is in ICU right now and not doing well. I have never met her but my newest friend Brecklin is friends with her and asked for prayers. Ginger does not have a website but her picture is featured on www.tumbleweedfoundation.com. Please visit her and please visit Brecklin's site that she just made a couple of days ago: www.caringbridge.org/ga/brecklin. Thank you.

We are okay. Life is pretty status quo. Seems like that is my new saying. I spoke with Jarrod today and had another good conversation. He is doing well and g-d willing will continue to do so. It's always nice hanging up on a good note rather than being angry.

Kids are doing good. Big and bad as ever. :)

That's about it for tonight.

Julia,
I heard that you were visiting Hannah's Daddy the last couple of days. I'm sure he liked that. We miss you bunches sweet girl. We love you up to the sky and back down again, Mommy,Daddy, Jordan, Justine,and Jacob

Sunday, March 21, 2004 6:29 PM CST

Hello everyone,

Life's been pretty status quo lately. Kids are doing well. Jarrod is doing good. We're getting along which is always nice. We've had some pretty good talks lately which is also nice. Keep him in your prayers. He's on the right path and g-d willing will stay on it. We all miss him and kids just can't understand why Daddy isn't home. Especially Jacob, the older ones have a good idea but none the less they still want Daddy home, can't blame them.

Anyway, I hope you all got a chance to read my little buddy Celeste's entry from the other day. Her tumor is G*O*N*E!!!! What awesome news. Tami and I spoke last night for well over an hour and little Celeste kept telling her to say goodbye but we kept talking and talking. It was a wonderful conversation Tami and I love you. Tami is an awesome person and mom. The only good thing out of all of this mess is that we met each other and it's an awesome friendship.

We don't go to Caring Place this week. We have a week off so we don't go until next Wednesday. I truly believe it is helping the kids. Justine is sleeping in her room again. She and Julia shared a room although Tine hadn't slept in it since after Julia got sick. We are going to put the bunk beds back up so she is excited and I told her when I can afford to get cable in her room I will. Jordan is still pretty scared about alot of stuff, especially sleeping in his room by himself. I put Jacob in his bed (instead of mine) and by the morning I have at least one little body with me.

I gotta go break up fights. Bedtime can't come fast enough tonight!!!

Julia,
Hi Sweetheart. Thanks for visiting with me the other night. I really need your help fighting my angel pins. I have lost two now and you were always my finder. Please keep an eye on Daddy. We talk about you all the time and look at pictures. I'm going to put some of your pictures on the site as soon as I get it all together. I want everyone to see you when you were younger. We all miss and love you bunches and bunches. Thanks for keeping an eye on Celeste angel!!! Love always, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Wednesday, March 17, 2004 7:38 PM CST

Wow!! Over 80,000 people have visited this site. Amazing!! Thank you, thank you. I was just telling someone earlier what great support I get from reading all the guestbook entries. You are all awesome!!

It's pretty much the same stuff going on here. Kids are okay. Jarrod seems to be doing well. He said that work is kicking his butt though, but he's okay with that. Don't know when he's coming home. Continue to pray for him please.

I'd like to ask you to please visit my other website: www.tumbleweedfoundation.com and click on to the urgent prayers needed and visit these kids and send them some well wishes. Cancer is such a horrible, horrible disease that I'll never understand but I'm doing what I can to help others and to keep my daughter's memory alive. Someone recently asked me if it was hard to see my daughter's face on these animals that we're selling thru the tumbleweed site to raise money for other kids and to have an endowment in Julia's name at Children's Hospital and I told her no that I love looking at her face on the tags. I get to see her all the time. If I can't have her here with me I may as well be able to look at a picture and feel her presence.

I have good news. My little friend Celeste www.caringbridge.org/pa/celeste had an MRI on Monday and the preliminary results showed that the tumor has shrunk. What wonderful news. When I read that on her site I started to cry. I had to call her mom and share the excitement with her. They meet with the oncologist tomorrow for the final results. Everyone keep their fingers crossed.

Thanks to all my friends who are keeping an eye on me and taking care of me. I'm not sure if I've thanked you all but I love you.

Julia,
Hey big girl. I hear that you have been visiting alot of people in their dreams, including your brother and sister. That's pretty awesome. You are missed so horribly much. Jakey boy asks for you all the time. He wants his big sister back. We all do. You've had alot of new angels come to you recently. Help them baby. Show them how to visit their families the way that you have. I love you up to the sky and back down again. We all love you, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Thursday, March 11, 2004 8:05 PM CST

We didn't make it to Florida. We were going stand-by (buddy passes)and we were given misguided information. There were no flights available. Not at all this weekend so Jodi, Judy, and I went out to Red Lobster and had a nice dinner. We're trying to make it for next month. Oh well, such as life.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004 7:57 PM CST

We just got back from the Caring Place and all I did was blow my nose and wipe the tears the whole time we were there. Today is six months since Julia passed away and it is so damn hard. Six months is half a year, that's different than five months. The only thing I can think of today is holding my daughter in my arms for the very last time and having her go to her final resting place. How horrible a thing for a mother to do, to have her child die in her arms. The pain is so deep today it really sucks. We talked about grief being a spiral effect as far as having good days and bad days. I'm on the spiral downfall today. It's almost unfair that the pain can still be so tremendous and the days just freely go on and on. What I wouldn't do to have my sweet baby back. The kids took pictures in tonight of Julia and it hurt going thru all of them. I'm just really pissed right now and I'm okay feeling the way I feel.

We were riding home and we were listening to a tape of Meatloaf and the song "I will do anything for love" came on and Jordan told me that he would do anything for love including jump off a bridge. What a heart of gold!

On a brighter note (or so everyone keeps telling me) I am going to Florida this weekend with my sister and girlfriend Judy. We are leaving Thursday night and returning Sunday. I'm not as excited as everyone else seems to be. I'm actually dealing with alot of anxiety about being away from my kids and not knowing how to have time for just me. That's a new concept. Not that I don't think I can do it, I'm just anxious.

Nana's best friend Bev was recently diagnosed with ovarian cancer and had surgery to find out it had spread. Please keep her in your prayers.

My thoughts go out to everyone who is hurting, suffering, and just plain simply having a bad day.

Now you all can get off my back since I'm journaling. :)

Julia my love,
I hope you're having a better day than Mommy. Keep an eye on Daddy sweetie. We all miss you so much. You are such a beautiful girl. Please feel Mommy giving you a great big hug and kiss. I love you Julia Caitlin Levy!!!!!

Love always,
Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Thursday, March 4, 2004 9:00 PM CST

Since last update Jordan went to the Allergist and is allergic to dust mites and cockroaches. Cockroaches happen to be very common in children. That was news to me!! We thought for sure he would have been allergic to more but we were wrong. He is on an antihistamine and a nasal spray until we go back in a month. I have to invest in some mite-proof encasings for not only his pillow but his mattress and boxspring. $$$$$$ Oh well, what are you gonna do??? So basically we're not too sure what is going on, they said that he has inflammation and when he gets sick it gets worse. We'll see if there is any progress within this month.

Justine decided to get the stomach flu last night. She's releasing from both ends. It just never stops. I kept her home from school today and will keep her home tomorrow as well. She laid around and slept alot today.

I had trouble with my computer and my dear friend Mary came over to help me with it so things are better on this end.

Why is it that when kids are sick is when everything comes to the surface. Jakey has been asking for Julia a whole lot lately and Tine was saying how much she missed her last night and wanted her back. Damn, this is tough.

Keep the prayers going for Jarrod. He seems to be headed on the right track and I hope good things continue for him.

I know I'm forgetting more but I can't think of it right now. My thoughts go out to all who are in need.

Julia,
We love and miss you big much sweetie. Keep reaching out to everyone my love. Everyday I hear how you have touched somebody's life. I'm blessed to have been your mom and had you in my life for as long as I did. I love you with all my being Jules. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Monday, March 1, 2004 8:25 PM CST

I wanted everyone to know that my little blonde boyfriend Nathaniel had a shunt put in on Friday night and he is now home and is doing well. They noticed immediate pressure dropping as soon as the shunt was in place. Hopefully this is the answer that his parents were looking for. He is a tough cookie. I wish him all the best and can't wait to love him up (and his brothers too).

Jacob was on the couch and starts fussing because he misses his dad so I call him on the phone and Jakey gets to speak with him. Although all he did was cry. He was trying to tell Daddy that Justine fell (while getting off the countertop and Jake was laying on the kitchen floor) and landed sitting right on his face. I had to contain myself because my little man was crying because Tine gave him a fat lip and it was bleeding. Poor guy, he was soooo tired. So everyone got to speak with Daddy and he sounds good and started a job last night and we are having good conversations. So the kids and I are in the living room watching tv when out of nowhere Jakey asks, "Why is Julia dead?" You could tell it took Jordan by surprise by the noise he let out. I told him that she had a brain tumor and he wanted to know why and Jordan told him it was because of Satan. I don't even know if Jacob heard becaue he put his face down on the carpet and I asked if he was ok and next thing I know he was sound asleep. This is so tough on these kids, it's so unfair.

Jordan is pretty nervous about going to the allergist on Wed. He came in my room last night at 2A.M. wanting to know if it was going to hurt. We already had this conversation many times. Wednesday can't get here soon enough.

Rolie Polie Olie,
Aunt Jodi was over with the kids and she was talking to Jacob and told me the way he was laying and smiling she saw you!!!!!! She had such a smile on her face to see her peanut!! We all miss and love you big much angel baby. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Sunday, February 29, 2004 11:34 AM CST

First off, Mary and John, please accept my apologies for not mentioning dinner at your place on Friday night. It was a delicious meal. (I don't want to be on the cook's bad side).

We went to the Caring Place on Wednesday night. Jacob couldn't wait to be able to go into his playroom. The kids enjoyed themselves. My time wasn't too bad either. It was a little easier because I felt comfortable with the people since we already met once before.

Kids are fighting colds, and stomach viruses. Yippee!! Jordan is complaining alot about stomach pain and headache. Justine has a cold and Jacob is the one who started throwing up Friday night and then Jodi's son started last night. Both seem to be better today. I went out for a little bit last night with some friends to celebrate a birthday. We went to the Improv and saw a comedian. It was nice being able to laugh. Kids slept over Aunt Jodi's and they still woke me up without even being at home! Justine called me at 8:30A.M.! Oh well, it's a beautiful day but a lazy one. We're just taking it easy today. Not really feeling up to par. At least the sun is shining.

Not really in the mood for journaling............


Jules,
Love ya baby. We miss you . Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Wednesday, February 25, 2004 11:20 AM CST

Hi all, it's been almost a week since I last journaled and I started hearing it, so here I am.

Let's see how well my memory serves..........Over the weekend Jordan had his soccer game. He did awesome. So did his cousin Kyra. What a great game. I believe they ended in a tie. I signed Justine up for baseball. She's been the only girl on her team since she started. Of course the coaches love her. I of course, have to deal with the spitting that she learns from these jocks but I then have to work out a compromise. She's only allowed to spit while she is playing baseball then it has to stop. How crazy is that!?!

My best friend's grandmother passed away so on Saturday I went to the funeral home to pay my respects. Granted, it was the same funeral home where Julia was laid out. This was my second time going there since her death. The first person was laid out in a different room, but this time I wasn't that lucky. I walked into the same room that five months ago I was there having my own child laid out. I was okay for a second. I met up with Lea's mom and my eyes filled up, she told me what a good friend I was for coming and that I didn't have to go up to Lea's grandmother and she told Lea to take me out. I told them I was okay and proceeded to the casket. Afterward we were sitting in the outer room and I told Lea that it wasn't because I didn't want to walk up to the casket, right when I met up with Lea's mom I saw the podium in the corner and I just had a flashback to Julia's funeral. So I did it, I was able to go in the same room and now that's behind me.

Sunday I went to church since they were doing a memorial in honor of Julia and her birthday. I had very good support there. My brother David, Connie, Jaret and Josh, my sister Jodi, Kyra and Cullen, Davina and Chuckie, Ruth and Bev and Mary, John, Zack, Hannah, Danny, and Katie. Lisa who sang at the funeral sang twice on Sunday, her husband John, Little John, and Marshall. It was pretty awesome having everyone there. John (Mary's hubby) was nice enough to tape the service for me so I could send it to Jarrod. (Surprise Jarr) My mom-in-law took me to the front and showed me a picture of an altar that is being donated in Julia's honor and there was a gold sign that read, "In loving memory of Julia Caitlin Levy 1998-2003 that will be put on both sides. She said that a little while back the Pastor turned the first row of pews around and said that he wouldn't turn them back until they raised the money for a new altar and named the amount and Ruth said that it was the exact amount that she had received from people so G-d told her to hand it over. I was crying. Then myself and family were asked to go up to the front and place our hands on the pews as prayers were being said for us and Jordan and Justine started crying. I didn't expect it, so here I was holding Jacob and trying to let the other kids know that I was there with them and then we were able to sit down and I just kind of grabbed onto them and hugged them then Jakey let go with, "I want to go downstairs and play", so somebody came and took him to the play area and we sat down. The singing was awesome, Lisa touched my heart. The kids all sang Jesus loves the little children the correct way and then sang it again Julia's way by added green and purple to the colors. It was such an overwhelming day. I want to thank all my supporters, you guys really touched my heart for being there for me and I love you all.

Sunday night was girls night out, we were suppose to go to laser tag but rescheduled that so Mary, Shellie, Sarah, Judy, and Jan went to Starbucks and had tea and coffee and sat around and bsed for a little bit. It was very relaxing and nice. Thanks girls.

Yesterday I took Jordan back to the drs. for another case of peri-orbital cellulitis but the doc seems to think it may be an allergic reaction to something so we are scheduled to see the allergist on the 18th of March. We'll have to wait and see. It's pretty frustrating not knowing why it is happening.

Right now, we are all sick with colds. Yippee. That's it for now. Tonight we go to the Caring Place.

Julia,
Love you sweetie. Kyra told me that you have a new pet up in heaven: Dixie, Uncle Eric's dog. I know how much you like dogs. We all miss you angel baby. We love you big much, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Thursday, February 19, 2004 7:20 AM CST

I feel the need to update this sooner than later. After I read all the entries that everybody wrote, (actually during) the tears started flowing and didn't stop for a very long time. I was so overwhelmed with all the birthday wishes for my sweet angel. Overwhelmed but in a good way. It just showed me one more time (not that I ever lost sight of it) how truly special people are. I just can't even begin to thank you all. You have all touched my heart so very much and you gave me the kind of support that I really needed. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004 9:04 PM CST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR JULIA!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!

Julia Caitlin Levy turned 6 years old today. What a celebration she must have had in heaven. Especially when she received all of her balloons. Here is what our day consisted of:

We (me and my kids) we to the cemetary which Justine was very apprehensive about because she didn't want to see me cry. Well, we got there and she was pretty amazed with all the "additions" put on her gravesite. Remember it's still all rocky. A long time ago my mom and Herm put little, colorful, butterflies, and other flying insects toys (for lack of a better word) all over the rocks and Nana put blue and silver beads all over. The kids had fun checking everthing out. We held hands and sang Happy Birthday to Julia. Then I told the kids that they could say something to Julia and they each did and Jakey was looking so sad so I went over to him and asked what he said and he told me that he told Julia to come home. Boy, did I have a lump in my throat after that one. So, we left there and made a surprise visit to Tami and Celeste and family. It was funny because when she answered the door she was on the phone with her husband and real quick said, "It's Judy, gotta go" Needless to say she was happy to see us. I was just as happy to see them. Celeste is beautiful as ever and was quite the talkative little lady and Grant was my little buddy, and Ella is just simply gorgeous. Tomorrow is one year since Celeste was diagnosed. Tami and I spoke about that for a little while. Please say some extra prayers. It's such a scary day. We hung out for a while and then went to Julia's favorite restaurant for lunch and they came with us....McDonald's!!!! The play one. Then we left and came home and Nana had bought balloons for everybody and we wrote little notes for Julia and tied them to the balloon(there was at least 15 balloons) and we went out back and all said Happy Birthday Julia and sent them up to heaven. Then we came in and sang the birthday song and ate cupcakes. When I put the kids to bed I asked Jordan and Justine what kind of day they had and both stated it was good and Justine commented that nobody cried and she didn't expect it to turn out like that. She thought it would be a day full of tears, I told here that I thought the same. I am convinced that the reason the day didn't turn out like that was because I had my kids there with me. All four of them. I felt Julia's presence more than ever today and that kept a smile on my face.

Last night I was watching a show where the woman had a dog whose name was Julia and it was her birthday and then today I'm in my kitchen and my cell phone starts making noise like it does when it's a payment reminder. I knew I recently paid it so I picked it up and it said, Happy Birthday Julia" and it had a picture of a present on it. I thought maybe somebody texted it to me and then I remembered putting into the calendar on the phone a long time ago with an alarm and reminder. I don't remember exactly when I did it but I know it was a looooooong time ago. Pretty ironic.

Julia,
My six year old baby girl. Wow, I remember six years ago and having my third child. What a day full of happiness, although today isn't completely full of happiness I am glad that you were here with me and helped Mommy get through it like you did. You are an awesome Rolie Polie Olie Julie Ravioli Guacamole Stromboli Cappicoli!!!!!! Happy Birthday my dear sweet Angel. We miss and love you big much, up to the sky and back down and up and down and up and down. Hope you liked all the balloons. I think you had a total of about 30 that were sent up to you. I love you!!! Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Tuesday, February 17, 2004 9:17 PM CST

Tomorrow is the big day. Julia's birthday. We talked about how we are going to spend the day. First we (me and the kids, I am keeping them home tomorrow) are going to go to the cemetary and then we are going to Julia's favorite restaurant........McDonald's. Then later we are going to have cupcakes and mint chocolate chip ice cream and the kids are writing notes to Julia and attaching them to a balloon and then they will send it off to her. The kids came up with the ideas to wear green clothes or clothes with butterflies on them. I've got awesome kids!!! I think we'll get online tomorrow and wish Jules a happy birthday then.

Jarrod I am so touched with your entry. I know it was a big step for you to write on here. Please keep stepping in the right direction. Your family needs you as much as you need us.

Until tomorrow.............

Saturday, February 14, 2004 8:50 AM CST

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Wednesday night we finally went to The Caring Place. The kids had a great time. Each went into their own room according to age and they played and made things while the grown-ups were in other rooms. Of course in my room we didn't get to play or have a good time. We sat there and talked about what brought us there and alot of eyes were wiping our tears away. We will go every other Wednesday night for about four months.

The past few days have been basically hum-drum. Nothing outside of what I consider "the norm". Jordan has soccer today and then we're going to a free circus. (The best kind).

I've been trying to figure out how I'm going to deal with next Wednesday. Julia would have been turning 6 years old on that day. What kind of birthday celebration do you have for someone who is no longer here? I am going to keep the kids home from school and we are going to the cemetary. Justine will not be very cooperative with that but it's something I want to do as a family. We are going to get balloons and the kids are going to write a note and stick it inside and then we are going to send them up to Julia. Jordan is being very supportive with this idea. He also wants to have a cake. We'll see. I already changed my work schedule so I'm not working on that day.

I want to thank everyone for their continued support and for visiting the Tumbleweedfoundation and for their donations. It's not an easy thing for me to do, asking for help but you have touched my heart more then you know. We have little bears dressed in pink and yellow raincoats and a ladybug, and a bumblebee with the tag having Julia's picture and her caringbridge address and the tumbleweed foundation address and on the back is a little poem I wrote. We are trying to raise money for the foundation to help other families through this rough time and to send care packages and also we are striving for an endowment at Children's Hospital in Julia's name. So please visit: www.tumbleweedfoundation.com and check out the site and all the kids that are featured there.

Julia,
Angel baby how I miss you. I saw a picture of you at Mary's and Mommy started to cry. Hannah and Isa were there playing and Mary and I both said how mad we were that the third musketeer wasn't there. You have so many angel friends with you that puts a smile on Mommy's face. Please continue to watch over Daddy honey, he really needs some guidance. We love and miss you big much. Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob. Happy Valentine's Day sweetheart. Will you be my valentine? I love you!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2004 8:54 PM CST

Well here we are............Feb. 10, 5 mths since Julia died. The time goes by so fast it's unbelieveable. I'm not writing a poem tonight. Just going to write what's inside me. I always knew that there were good people in this world but when you are the center of it, it's pretty outrageous. By this I mean Mary's creation of "our site":
Tumbleweed Foundation Please, please visit this site. It is in honor of my sweet angel and our mission is to help other families. If anyone is interested in making a donation you can also visit the site and on the first page it will prompt you as to how to do that. I also want to thank Kim for her entry asking for help for myself and my family. It is not an easy thing for me to do, in fact it never was. I have received two donations and you two people mean the world to me. It's just so incredible how people pull together to help each other. Don't get me wrong, even writing this is extremely difficult for me, so more then anything I beg you to visit the site to see what can be done for all these other people.

While I'm thanking people, I'd like to thank my sister for being the President of the U-Suck Club and for being here for me in more ways than one. I can't possibly go through my list but I send massive amounts of thank yous to everyone.

Julia- Hello my sweet pea. Five months, wow. I know you have been blessed with more angel friends. Take care of everyone love. We miss you so much Julia. Everyone always talks about you. We love you sweetheart, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Sunday, February 8, 2004 8:12 PM CST

Feb 8....... two more days and it will be five months since Julia's passing. Where in the hell does the time go? I can't seem to get a grasp on it. Then on the 11th we start The Caring Place. Long overdue in my eyes but who am I to say anything. Jarrod won't be coming with us since he is in Minnesota right now with his sister. Not sure how long he'll be gone. He needs some extra prayers his way please. Then on February 18th Julia would have turned 6 years old. I don't know what to say....I'm feeling kind of numb right now.

I'm contemplating returning to work full time because without Jarrod working and me working part time it just isn't cutting it. I applied for cash assistance and food stamps and got turned down. Cash assistance because I make too much money and food stamps because I have shares in a company that I didn't even know I had so that put me over the limit. I spent all morning there and was told that I couldn't receive any help. I started to cry and cried the whole bus trip to work. I wanted to go home and cry but I don't get paid to do that so I went to work. I called my sister on the way home and she assured me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I personally think someone removed the bulb, but that's my opinion. I'm wondering how I am going to pay bills and in the mean time I'm wearing myself out. I'm tired, fatigued is more like it, no, emotionally drained I think best describes it. Something has got to break, right? So they say.......

On a different note, last night my dear friend Mary was over and she was helping me with some computer stuff. Well today she sends me an email that the picture is good but my wording is too small. I didn't know what she was talking about so when we were speaking on the phone she told me about the picture I emailed her with the butterfly on Julia's head. I told her that I didn't email it to her. It was dated last night at 10:15. She was here and she was the one on my computer and she didn't email herself anything. Pretty freaky right? Wait, it gets better. I looked at my sent items to see what was going on and there wasn't anything sent on that day or that time. Now that's freaky!!!!!! Hello Julia is all I could say.


Julia,
You never cease to amaze me my love. Thanks for showing up when Mommy needs it the most. I miss you so much my Rolie Polie Olie. Lots of love sent your way, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Tuesday, February 3, 2004 6:18 PM CST

Today I went with my girlfriend to the hospital because her son was having a spinal tap. We were due there at 8:30 and we didn't leave until 2:40 or close to that. While we were there I had alot of visits from Julia. First off, let me explain that Children's Hospital is where I spent six weeks after Julia was diagnosed for her chemotherapy. Today was the first day I walked in there since Julia finished her treatments. I didn't even think twice about it today. I went for Nathaniel and to keep Cathy company, that was all I thought of. Well, while we were waiting for the doctor's to take Nathaniel in for his procedure I was facing the hallway and saw a little girl walking down with long brownish-blonde hair and she was wearing a dark jacket and her head was down and she looked so much like Julia. She looked up and we met eyes and then she went around the corner. My heart was racing so fast. I couldn't say anything to Cathy because the doctor walked in but I have never encountered such a thing before. So I patiently waited until he left and told her and the tears filled up my eyes. Then we went to recovery and saw a Dora the Explorer blanket and Nathaniel's nurse's name was Julie and she happened to have been Julia's nurse when she was there after her MRI. After that we were moved downstairs and Nathaniel wanted to watch tv and what was on but Dora the Explorer. By this time, I was totally freaked. But in a good way. I was so glad my sweetness came to visit. I was supposed to have gone to an appt this morning but I didn't because the weather was bad so I decided to keep Cathy company and obviously I was where I was meant to be. I'm not sure if I forgot anything, did I Cath??? Except for Nathaniel is going to be put on some medicine and g-d willing it will work and his next spinal tap will show definite improvement, so please keep my blond hair cutie in your prayers.

Julia my sweetie girl, what can I say babydoll? I am so happy that you visited me the way you did today. You know I needed that didn't you? You know things are kind of rocky around here and I thank you for letting Mommy know that it's going to be okay. My heart still aches for you and always will. Jordan, Justine, and Jacob constantly talk about you. You know Daddy does too. We miss and love you more than words can say. We love you, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob.

Saturday, January 31, 2004 5:08 PM CST

Thank you for all the Happy Birthday wishes. The best part of my day was when Jordan came in my room first thing in the morning and wished me a Happy Birthday and asked me if I heard the voice in my head and when I told him yes we both said that it was Julia wishing me a Happy Birthday. How could my day be anything but good after that. It definitely wasn't the same as it used to be but the kids made my day a special day non the less.

Yesterday Justine lost her first tooth. Yippee!!!!! She unfortunately has the same mouth as her mom and it took her until she was 8 to lose the first one. Ok, mom had a little to do with it. I finally was able to pull it out. Her friend Michael even tried and he couldn't get it out. She was sooooooo elated. The tooth fairy was good to her. She got $5.00!!

Jordan played soccer today and was awesome!!!!!!! He scored a goal!!!!! He had such determination about him today. My throat hurt from cheering his team on. His cousin Kyra scored a goal also. Everyone on his team did.

I feel like I need to say something about Jacob. Let's see............his newest thing is to call me Mommo and I call him Jakeo.

Julia,
Thanks for giving your big brother good luck today. He told me after the game that he asked you to give him luck to win the game and the final score was 11-5. You made him so happy. We miss you so much angel. Keep an eye on Daddy honey. He needs some guidance. Always in my thoughts sweet pea. We love you, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Tuesday, January 27, 2004 11:09 AM CST

This weekend the U-Suck Club got together and went bowling. It was a great time. Sorry for those of you that couldn't make it. It was fun even if I paid for it the next day with back pain. Next month we're suppose to do laser tag. Each person from the group takes a month and picks something fun to do. So for those of you that didn't get a month yet, start thinking...........

Today is Jarrod's birthday. He's 37. We're the same age for two days and then I (we, my twin) turn 38. Happy Birthday!!!!

Kids had off school yesterday due to bad weather. Here I am sitting at work and looking out my window and just watching the snow fall and fall and fall.

Things with Jarrod and I are still not too good. Hopefully things can be resolved. It's going to take some time. The worst part of this all is that we never really got to mourn the loss of our daughter together. This week is tough with both of our b-days and Julia not here with us to celebrate. Then before you know it her b-day will be here.

One day at a time. Sometimes is shorter than that.

Julia,
We love and miss you terribly angel. Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Wednesday, January 21, 2004 8:40 PM CST

You never know what one day will be from the next
One day I have a smile on my face
If only we could follow a text
The next day I feel out of place.

Emotions are an incredible thing
Crying, happy, mad, sad it never ends
The happy one is what I'd like to cling
You never know what is around the bend.

I'd like it to stop, this I know
The frustration that is laid upon me
But I don't know how, can you tell me so
I'd like to grab it and throw it to the sea.

All things happen for a purpose, I'm not buying it
People admire me and think I'm so strong
No one should endure this pain, not for one bit
If only they knew how much I think they're wrong.

I've been dealt such a raw hand, I'll never know why
There is so much more to my story that I haven't told
That's why there are days where all I do is cry
I'd love to throw the cards in and just fold.

I've learned I'm not that type of person which I like
I just have to go with the flow and listen to my heart
Because I have to take care of three little tykes
And in my life, I'd never give up that part.

So thank you for giving me your love and being so kind
You all have helped me so very much indeed
I never knew this kind of friendship I could find
And this my friends I really do need.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004 9:53 PM CST

Life sucks. What a way to start my entry huh? Well, I've always been honest with my feelings here so why stop now.

I wanted you all to check out a site my very dear friend Mary made in honor of my daughter Julia. The idea is to help other children who are battling cancer in any way possible. She has a heart of gold and I am very blessed to have her in my life. Please visit the site: www.tumbleweedfoundation.com. Tumbleweed is what Julia's dad used to call her.

Good Night.

Julia,
You are such an angel. Keep touching everyone's lives baby. We love you big much, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Saturday, January 17, 2004 2:26 PM CST

It's been a few days since I've written anything and really I don't have much to say. Things are pretty much the same here. I did find out that we are going to the Caring Place beginning Feb. 11. For those that don't know, that is the place where we will go for family counseling. I'm a little bummed it's so long away yet cause I feel the kids really need it but it'll be here quickly I'm sure.

Jordan started soccer today. His cousin was able to get on his team so they both had a good time. They won!! They will play every saturday until March 6. At least they are playing indoors and it's close to our house.

The U-Suck Club is suppose to go bowling tonight (weather permitting) but right now it's snowing like crazy. I really want to go out!!!! Things are still pretty bumpy around here. In more ways then one. I'm still questioning what "the purpose" in life is. I'm just wondering what could possibly be the purpose of everything that I am going through. I'm sure it's one of those questions that I'll never get the answer to.

Julia,
Hi sweetheart. Gosh, do we miss you. My heart has a tremendous hole and I actually think I can feel it sometimes. I keep telling myself that you are in a better place but it doesn't take away the pain. Keep shining on us my star. We miss and love you terribly, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Saturday, January 10, 2004 6:07 PM CST

January 10, 2004 marks four months since my third child Julia Caitlin Levy was taken from earth and given her wings in heaven.


It's been 4 months since I held you last
Not a day goes by where my heart doesn't tug
Time is going by so fast
I wish I could give you one more hug.

I don't understand why G-d wanted you so
You're talked about every single day
The pain I feel does he really know
How I wish I could have my way.

I know we will meet again this is true
To get through the day is sometimes so tough
For now my life is so blue
To put on a smile can be so rough.

Our lives have been turned upside down inside out
I'm glad the suffering has stopped and your smile is back
There are times I all do is shout
I just wish our lives were back on track.

Until that day shall come when my touch you will feel
Mommy Daddy Jordan Justine and Jacob miss you a ton
Know that my love for you is forever real
And we know you're smiling at us when we see the sun.




That about says it Julia. It may be four months but time doesn't matter. We love you forever, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Friday, January 9, 2004 11:09 AM CST

Life hasn't really calmed down too much but I am in better spirits. Why? Who knows? Just woke up like it. Last night I finally threw away Julia's radiation masks. I've looked at them alot and never felt okay enough to through them out. Last night I realized that I don't need them anymore so in the garbage they went.

Yesterday I didn't work and Nan was over babysitting so I did just what I planned on............I stayed in bed. I took a nice nap and that was about it. Played with the kids, worked on projects with them and watched tv with my "big kid" (Jacob)as he likes to be referred to. Then of course there's Jordan who wakes up earlier then the birds and he and I are laying around talking for an hour before the day has to begin.

Tomorrow is going to mark four months since Julia died. Doesn't that just suck??? Four months!!!! Life is so unfair. Maybe today I just feel serene. I guess that's my Julia girl inside me.

Prayers to all who are in my heart!!!! I wish you all well.

Julia,
We all miss you so much sweetness. Take care of all those other angels that have come to be with you and G-d. Keep shining down on us my love. We love you up to the sky and back down again, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Tuesday, January 6, 2004 6:36 PM CST

Today rated up there with the more difficult days. How I missed my little girl so much today. The tears I shed left me with an incredible headache, then of course I had to add insult to injury and bumped my head so I'll be hurting for a while.

I realized how much people really know me today. I was planning on coming on here and asking people to send me anything via email that would cheer me up and before I could even get here I was sent a beautiful card via email from a very sweet person. Thanks Samantha. The support I get from everyone is so rewarding. Thank you a ton.

Things in life not pertaining to Julia are very rocky. I just keep wondering when is it my turn for a break. It really takes a lot of effort to keep onself moving when you feel like I'm being pulled backwards.

Julia,
I love you so much sweet pea. Please feel my arms around you and my kisses on your face and know how much we love and miss you. We talk about you all the time. The kids were finding alot of your toys and I noticed that Jordan was putting some of them in his secret stash. Shhhhhhh. We love you up to the sky and back and up and back and big much. Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Monday, January 5, 2004 11:36 AM CST

Life has been pretty tough lately, or my guards have been down a little more. Sometimes it's sooo hard to keep going. I was cleaning out Julia's toy box yesterday and started getting teary eyed and asked Justine to give me a hug. She expressed how she can't stand it when I cry because she gets scared and then she cries. I told her that I missed Julia and she told me that she did too but she doesn't need to cry. So with that I told her we needed to take a break from it. I came back to it later on when the kids were asleep and just sat there and cried. Pretty much like I feel like doing now, but I'm at work and lunchtime is almost over. I could cry but I don't want to right now. Sometimes the pain is so "there" like I can hold it in my hands (like now) and other times I know it's there but I can still carry on. Does that make any sense? I feel so lost in my own little world today. I so wish I could hold my daughter again. That's it for now...........

Friday, January 2, 2004 3:15 PM CST

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I hope this new year brings peace and happiness to everyone!

We went to a friend's house for New Year's Eve and my sister and her kids came and there were a bunch of other people there. The kids had a blast. They all including Jacob stayed up until 2:00A.M. Jacob was the only one who napped. My emotions were in an uproar all day so as soon as we got there and I made eye contact with my one friend I started to cry. We went in another room and talked and cried. I brought two pictures of Julia with me so I could kiss her at midnight and we were looking at them and she was commenting on how life is so unfair. We finally went in the other room where everyone was eating and I'm not even sure if she knew this but I went in the bathroom and just stood in front of the mirror and released the tears a bit more. After a while things got better. Thank you Amy!!!! Amy had me laughing so hard I was crying. But it was happy tears. Midnight came and there were clappers and poppers and all kinds of noise going on and I kissed my sweetheart and wished her a Happy New Year. Jarrod and I weren't together New Year's Eve which didn't feel very well. Please keep him in your prayers as I continue to do.

Julia,
Hello my love, I got a nice email from Carla and she told me how you visited her a few times during her vacation. You keep continuing to touch so many lives. As you know, there have been some new angels that recently came to be with you. Please hold them close. We love and miss you horribly. Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob.

Sunday, December 28, 2003 7:45 PM CST

Last night my sister and I took our daughters to see The Nutcracker. It was nice to get dressed up and go out. I also found it very serene sitting there watching the ballet dancers. Thanks Julia!

Now that the holidays are over I want my house back to the way it was. I have so much anger in me right now, that I want it all to be done with. That's how I feel today. I know that this is a pretty open thing for me to be doing, writing my life out for anyone and everyone to read but there is alot more to my life that alot of people who do not know me don't know. It's kept to me but I'm dealing with so much more that sometimes I wonder how I do it. That's about as much as I can vent on that.

My thoughts go out to all those who are suffering from the horrible disease of cancer. I send well wishes to all.

Julia,
Hey Rolie Polie! Keep staying close to us baby. We need you. Keep an extra special eye on Daddy. As Jacob would say, "We love you big much!" Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Friday, December 26, 2003 8:48 PM CST

The day after Christmas!!!!! I made it!!!! It went better then I anticipated. I know on Thanksgiving it really hit me and at our Chanukah dinner also, so maybe this was an exception. I didn't get dressed up, didn't do my hair, didn't do makeup, but I held myself together. I had a lot of flashbacks to last year and I guess because I could see Julia so clearly I kinda felt like she was here with me. My mood changed a bit when we were opening presents and all that I was opening was angels and butterflies. I think I need a separate room for all my angels and butterflies.

Today my husband went to the funeral home for a friend of ours who suddenly passed away on Tuesday while I took Jordan to the doctor's to once again be diagnosed with peri-orbital cellulitis! He's back on the antibiotic. The doctor also noticed he has the beginning of an ear infection. Meanwhile Justine just started with that nasty cold that is going around with the coughing, runny nose, loss of voice (yeah) and sneezing. She hasn't started with the fevers yet. Then there Jacob who is starting to live life again and not lay on the couch. He was pretty sick with the fevers and bad cough. I'm exhausted! Any clue why????

Well, dear Jacob is flipping out for his Mama. Have a good night.

Julia,
We all miss you sweet pea. I felt you with me so much this holiday season my love. Thank you. We love you, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob. As Jakey would say, "We love you big much."

Wednesday, December 24, 2003 5:09 PM CST

Hi Everybody,

Well, I've been sailing through these past few days with Chanukah and tomorrow is Christmas. Putting out the presents is going to be pretty tough. I used to make four piles.........I thank my kids for giving me the strength to get through this and give them the kind of holiday that they deserve. It definitely hasn't been easy. Whoever lights a candle at their service please think of Julia and all the other children who became angels before their Mom's and Dad's were ready.

My wish to you all is a very blessed holiday season. Thank you all for all of your support, whether you just read my entries and/or write your own. You have all become such an important part to my life. Happy Holidays.

The Levy Family
Jarrod, Judy, Jordan, Justine, Julia, and Jacob

Happy Chanukah and Merry Christmas Julia!!! You have surrounded us with love and we all feel it. I told the kids that you were helping Santa deliver their presents. Thanks for the visits my love. We all miss and love you very much, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Saturday, December 20, 2003 8:57 PM CST

Last night my kids slept over their Grandma and Papa's house and Jodi and I went out with some people from my work and then later we met a couple of girl friends. It was a nice night. This morning when I woke up (I think the second or third time) I just laid there and relived my life on Dec. 20, 2002 and Dec. 21, 2002. I remembered just about everything. Even the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I found out Julia's diagnosis. I can't believe it's been a year already. And what a year!!!! Can you imagine your whole life changing in the blink of an eye!?! When I went to pick my kids up I was looking at a picture that my mom had a photo album open to and I've seen it before, but this time that picture of Julia was just that.......Julia. I looked at it and saw my daughter, not the tumor. (This was after she was diagnosed). It was such a weird feeling. I couldn't stop looking at it and touching it.


Today my sister and I went last minute holiday shopping. Just so you all know, there is Dora the Explorer everywhere!!!!!!!! My goodness. I got bummed only because there were new ones out and I wish I could have bought them for Julia, now I just have to walk by them.

Jacob's girlfriend had her birthday party today and my big boy went all by himself. I didn't have to stay. He was so excited when he got his invitation, he was running around the house yelling that he got an invitation. He was so happy. He must have had an awesome time because when my friend dropped him off he crashed immediately.

Tonight we had a nice Chanukah dinner. Nan was here, her friend, my brother and his family, my niece and her son, and my sister and her kids. It was nice. Gifts were handed out left and right. After I was done following everyone around picking up their garbage I sat down and it hit me, I missed my baby so much. To see the kids playing and laughing, I just wanted Julia here to be a part of it. I would get tears in my eyes and hold my new butterfly pillow that was dropped off from the Pastor at church with a note stating it was in memory of Julia.

Julia,
Happy Chanukah!! I know you were with us tonight. We miss you terribly. Thanks for the visit this morning. :) We love you, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Tuesday, December 16, 2003 8:23 AM CST

I used to not be able to wait to post a journal, now I basically have to force myself to do it. It's pretty strange.

Friday was Justine's birthday. She turned 8. I told her to pick where she wanted to go to dinner and she picked Eat 'n Park since they put a candle in a smile cookie. So there we went and they surprized her with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on a sticky bun with a candle in it. They sang their version of Happy Birthday and my child was grinning from ear to ear.

Saturday night the U-Suck club (most of it) met at my house for a pot luck dinner. It was a nice turn out. Unbenounced to me and we all know how much I don't like surprizes.......each member bought me an angel ornament. One was more beautiful then the next. Some had Julia's birthstone, other's had her name, etc... They were so beautiful and yes the tears were flowing. I actually had to excuse myself and go upstairs to the bathroom and cry for a minute or so and then come back down. It was a nice evening.

Sunday was Justine's b-day party. We woke up to about 7 inches of snow. Incredible!! We still went on with the party. Kids that lived in walking distance came and there was one other who made it, alot couldn't. Justine had a blast though. I'm glad.

Sunday was the first day since Thanksgiving that I haven't cried. It's coming up on the day of diagnosis this weekend. The kids are doing good. I'm not real sure how I'm doing.......


Julia my sweet little girl,

Yesterday on my way to work I was driving thru the park and as always after it snows it is so beautiful and I really felt your presence there and I had such a warm feeling in my heart. I know that you are enjoying yourself and that makes us so happy. I can't wait to see you again my love. We miss you horribly. We love you, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Monday, December 8, 2003 8:29 PM CST

Today I fought with everything in me to get to work. All I wanted to do was stay in bed. I was very emotional (still) this morning not too much before work but as soon as I got there and I couldn't turn it off. I was telling people my heart hurt. I made it until the end of the day. Partly due to a co-worker. She and I decorated the office. Not the two best people for multiple reasons, 1. We are the shortest people there and 2. We both have had recent losses in our families and neither one of us is really in the festive mood but I think we made each other feel okay.

I forgot to mention that on Friday I went to my work's holiday party. The weather was terrible. Our first snow storm and boy did it come down. There were some people who couldn't make it. I was glad I went and got to see people who I haven't seen in a while which was nice.

The support that is given to me by everyone is so very powerful. I am so appreciative of it. It helps me so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. My prayers go out to those who are in need. Even though I'm hurting I still reach out to those who need it. I was asked to visit a child's site from one of the entries and it felt so good to be able to give to others. I don't want to feel like I need it all. I do need a lot but unfortunately I can no longer have what I need.

Rolie Polie Olie Julie Ravioli Stromboli Guacamole
Cappicoli,

We finished decorating tonight and the kids let me put up all of your decorations. You and Justine have the same ornament of an angel with your names painted on it. Who would've known yours to become real. We missed you but talked about you the whole time. Jordan went to his Santa Shoppe today (Justine goes tomorrow) and bought you some things and put them right in your memory box that Aunt Jodi bought me. We'll keep filling it up. Please keep an extra special touch on Daddy, he really needs it. We love and miss you terribly angelbaby, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Monday, December 8, 2003 8:29 PM CST

Today I fought with everything in me to get to work. All I wanted to do was stay in bed. I was very emotional (still) this morning not too much before work but as soon as I got there and I couldn't turn it off. I was telling people my heart hurt. I made it until the end of the day. Partly due to a co-worker. She and I decorated the office. Not the two best people for multiple reasons, 1. We are the shortest people there and 2. We both have had recent losses in our families and neither one of us is really in the festive mood but I think we made each other feel okay.

I forgot to mention that on Friday I went to my work's holiday party. The weather was terrible. Our first snow storm and boy did it come down. There were some people who couldn't make it. I was glad I went and got to see people who I haven't seen in a while which was nice.

The support that is given to me by everyone is so very powerful. I am so appreciative of it. It helps me so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. My prayers go out to those who are in need. Even though I'm hurting I still reach out to those who need it. I was asked to visit a child's site from one of the entries and it felt so good to be able to give to others. I don't want to feel like I need it all. I do need a lot but unfortunately I can no longer have what I need.

Rolie Polie Olie Julie Ravioli Stromboli Guacamole
Cappicoli,

We finished decorating tonight and the kids let me put up all of your decorations. You and Justine have the same ornament of an angel with your names painted on it. Who would've known yours to become real. We missed you but talked about you the whole time. Jordan went to his Santa Shoppe today (Justine goes tomorrow) and bought you some things and put them right in your memory box that Aunt Jodi bought me. We'll keep filling it up. Please keep an extra special touch on Daddy, he really needs it. We love and miss you terribly angelbaby, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Sunday, December 7, 2003 7:48 PM CST

Evening everyone,

Today was a horrible day. Sometimes being alone can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Today, it was my worst enemy. Jarrod took the kids to church and afterwards there was a X-mas party and I still haven't gone back to church since Julia's death and I'm not ready to yet. Which led me to my time by myself. I was talking to my brother on the phone and I started to cry. I hung up with him and cried, and cried, and cried. I also did some screaming. I was also cleaning up the girls room and going through alot of Julia's stuff that we just piled on the desk. I wanted to clean it off and get rid of all the dust. Jarrod came back and I took him upstairs to see what I had done so far and he started crying. We just stood there holding each other. I couldn't cry anymore. Not right then anyway. We sat and talked awhile and then I moved over to where I was to continue cleaning. I came across pictures that Julia had colored and photographs and then I came across a came that I made for her that she played with everyday during chemo and I started to cry, and cry, and cry. My husband made me leave the room and told me that was enough for one day. I just can't understand why my daughter had to be taken away at such a young age. Yes, I've started to ask the questions more but I can't help it. I'm not looking for answers because I know there aren't any but it doesn't make it any easier. Later on we started decorating, dining room is for Chanukah and the living room is for X-mas. It's pretty wild. We came across some of Julia's ornaments and we were okay. The kids took turns hanging some of them. We'll finish tomorrow. I hope tomorrow is a better day. I can't express the depth of pain I have. It's totally incredible.

Julia,
My love.....Mommy misses you soooooooo much. So does Daddy, and Jordan who talks about you all the time, and Justine, and Jacob. We wish you were here with us. This month is going to be sooo hard love, I need some help from you please. Feel my lips on your forehead and my arms around you. I love you sweetheart. We all do, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Wednesday, December 3, 2003 11:14 AM CST

I just got done reading the entries from yesterday and I gotta say (it's worth repeating again and again) that I am so blessed with the support that I get from family, friends, and strangers, who by the way are only strangers because we haven't met face to face, in my heart they are dear friends. Your entries really help me get through the days. Lately I haven't been feeling much like journaling. Not been feeling much like sharing lately. So I'm not sure what's going to show up on this page but I might as well give it a shot. I came on to Julia's site and see her in my arms and my heart aches so terribly much. I have experienced something in my life that is not part of the norm. Isn't it suppose to be where children bury their parents not parents burying their children? I am so very very angry. My daughter was robbed of a life, everyone that knew her is being robbed of her beauty, her brothers and sister are being robbed of a sibling, her mom and dad are being robbed of their third child. Where is the fairness? I gave birth to four children, and damn it I want all four here so I can show the blessings that I brought into this world. Now I have to show her blessing through an angel pin and a butterfly pin that I wear everyday. Life sucks!!!! I get through the days because I have to. If I had a choice I would never get out from under the covers. My life has changed so much and I will never get it back! Bullshit on the "plans" and the "there's a reason for everything", I don't buy it and no I never will. This is the most heart wrenching pain I could ever imagine having to deal with. I can't express the hurt enough. My friend and I were talking about changing things back to the way they were before just to have Julia back. I wouldn't hesitate. I'd give up the beautiful friendships and the beautiful people who entered my life in a heartbeat to bring my daughter back. This month scares the hell out of me but I know that I'll get through it.....because I have no other choice. Jordan, Justine, and Jacob need me to be there for them. The sadness fills every orifice possible in my body.



Julia,
My dear sweet Julia, how we miss you so terribly much. I am so sorry that you had to get sick and become an angel at such a young age. I know you have all the answers and I guess someday I will too, but for now they aren't in my grasp. I long to hold you, kiss you, love you. I keep looking for you in the mornings to run into the bedroom. We continue to see and feel you all the time. Keep close to us baby girl. We love you so much, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan,Justine, and Jacob

Thursday, November 27, 2003 6:51 PM CST

I have to say this day ranks as being one of the hardest days since Julia's passing. My sister and I cooked dinner tonight and I seriously thought about cancelling it this morning. I couldn't stop crying and all I wanted to do was to hide from the world. Lying in bed sounded real good. Well, I did cry for awhile and then started cooking. My mood wasn't real good but dinner turned out to be delicious. We did a good job. I know I mentioned before about being thankful but I wasn't real thankful today. All I wanted was my little girl to be here. My heart is not complete without her. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to go on. My life will never be complete again and I'm expected by society to go on with my life. How bogus is that!!!! Yes, I am able to go on because I have three other children that need me. But does that make it any easier, hell no. Ever since I could remember, I have always wanted four children. There were four of us growing up and I thought that was great. When I gave birth to our fourth child I couldn't believe that I finally had what I wanted. And now, I don't have it anymore. Where is the fairness in this life? I have been so worried about the holidays next month that I never even thought about Thanksgiving. Geez, I never imagined I would be the way I was today.

Julia my love,
Life is so empty without you. You were sooooo missed today. I couldn't be thankful for much today. I know you were with us I just wish I could have touched you and kissed you. We all love you so much, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob. As Jacob would say, "We love you big much!!"

Wednesday, November 26, 2003 8:35 PM CST

Hey everyone,
Haven't felt like journaling lately as some of you have figured out. I have been trying real hard to figure out a way to get thru the holidays and I've found myself being pretty down in the dumps lately. I'm in a whole lot of pain and just didn't want to share it with the world. I have been checking entries and I am glad that I have 50,000+ people who care about me. It means alot to me. I just came on to wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours.

Judy

Julia,
Happy Thanksgiving baby. This is going to be a hard one. I don't feel much like giving thanks. I miss you soooooo much chicken. We all love you and feel you around us all the time. Love, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Wednesday, November 19, 2003 8:38 PM CST

I forgot to mention about Sunday night that we went over to Celeste's house for her little brother Grant's birthday party. It was once again a nice visit with everyone. I met alot of Tami's family and they all seemed very nice. I had a hard time getting my kids to leave. I think after a half hour I finally won. :)

Nan came home yesterday and was pretty tired today. She slept good and realized she needs to take things slowly. But she's happy to be home.

I put the kids to bed tonight and came downstairs and no sooner was I down here that Jordan called me back up again and his eyes were bloodshot and he told me he misses Julia. He still won't cry. Whether it's because he's afraid or wants to be strong for me, I don't know but I kept reassuring him that it was okay to let it out. I also told him that I don't know what it's like to lose a sister. I know only what it's like to lose a child. It all sucks no matter how you look at it. I don't really think it's fair that I have to not only deal with my own grief but also help three innocent children deal with theirs when I don't even know what the hell I'm doing. These kids trust me and look up to me and who do I have to look up to? I still have a major issue with G-d. I received an article in the mail today about patients who are survivors of brain tumors and I got pissed. Why couldn't my daughter be one of them?


My sweet, sweet Julia,
I thank you for continuing to show yourself in our lives just when we need it most. You are missed so terribly much it hurts so bad. We love you more then life angelbaby, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Tuesday, November 18, 2003 5:59 PM CST

I haven't really been in the mood to write lately but it all stayed in my head so I figured I may as well get it down in black and white. Let's see.......I'll start with Friday. Nan was still in the hospital waiting for Monday when she would get her cardiac cath. She was still feeling good. Friday night I was watching my sister's kids and after the crew fell asleep I started working on Julia's photo album. Just going thru pictures and putting them in an album just of Julia. I also painted Julia's handprints that were made the last visit to the drs. I painted the outside green and her hands blue. I'm going to take pictures of it when I'm done so everyone can see it. It was pretty tough. I finally went to bed maybe about 1-1:30A.M. Saturday Jarrod and I took the kids to go see Nan. She was thrilled to see them. Jacob was sitting on the bed next to her and she would make it go up and down and take him for a ride. I think she enjoyed it as much as he did. Saturday night I finished painting and Sunday there was a fundraiser that I attended with Jacob, Justine, and my sister. Jarrod took Jordan bowling with some friends. I went there because I wanted to. I was told I probably shouldn't because it was hard but I did it for me. I knew some people there and I wanted to be able to provide support. Well I ended up seeing the nurse from the oncologist's office and we spoke for awhile and then I saw the oncologist. Granted, my first instinct was to crawl under the table. I got real nervous and then someone told me to just say what's on my mind and then I could let it go. Well, I did just that. We must have sat, just the two of us for at least an hour and a half if not more just talking about everything. From the day we met up until Julia's death and everything in between. I won't go into all the details but I was glad we talked. I did alot of crying but I felt so much better afterward and so did she. She asked what she could do differently that might help the next family and I gave her some suggestions and I also told her to please feel free to give my name and number to anyone who may need it. I told her that I want to be able to give back some of what I got during all of this. Not sure exactly what that is, but I feel it inside of me. Anyway, Nan was still good on Sunday. Monday morning she had the cardiac cath. She ended up having a 99% blockage. Shocked her. She expected the dr. to say that he saw nothing. So they did the angioplasty and inserted the stent (sp) and she came home today!!!! Yeah!!!!! She can't resume childcare until next week so I'm working out coverage until then. She is doing great the dr. told her and she has minor restrictions but we still have our Nan. Thank goodness!!!!! Which leads us to this very minute. I'm tired, emotionally, mentally, and physically. My eyes are getting very tired so I'm done for now.

Judy


Julia my sweet,
We have seen, felt, and heard from you alot lately and it made us all feel so good. We miss you terribly and love you so much chicken. Keep watching over all of us. We love you forever, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Friday, November 14, 2003 3:06 PM CST

It's been a crazy last few days. Where to start...... okay, Tuesday night Jordan woke up in the middle of the night with dizziness and a stomach ache and stayed up for quite a while so when it was time to get up for school he was sound asleep so I was going to let him stay home and rest. Well, Wednesday morning I get a phone call from my neice that my mom-in-law (Nana) doesn't want to drive over because she is having chest pain. She watches Jacob while I go to work. To make a long story short, I take Jacob and Jordan over to my mom's and I spend the day at the hospital with Nan. It turns out that my mom-in-law had a very, very, very mild heart attack. She is still in the hospital. They are going to do a cardiac cath either tomorrow or Monday. She is feeling good. I ended up taking Jordan to the drs. on Thursday because his eye was all swollen and red and it turns out he has periorbital cellulitis. An infection around his eye. We had to watch for pain or fever because if either happened he may get an infection behind his eye. He looks like he got punched. He's very swollen and his eye is so bloodshot. By this afternoon he started to look better. He goes back on Monday for a followup. This is a little much for me. Also, now I'm dealing with other bs like I need it!!

Continued prayers for all my caringbridge friends.

Judy


Hey there chicken, we all miss and love you so very much!!! Keep watching over us. We love you, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Tuesday, November 11, 2003 4:54 PM CST

Last night was probably one of the worst sleeps I have had. I was up more than I slept. My friend told me that that will lead to a good sleep tonight. I sure hope so. The kids were off today and we just hung around the house. I had my sister's kids here and Justine had a girlfriend over all day and everyone got along well.

What I intended on writing in yesterdays journal was about Jordan and I going to the cemetary. I didn't realize the extent of how I was feeling until my fingers stopped typing. Jordan told me that he is afraid to let out a cry. He was blowing his nose and wiping away the tears but wouldn't let it out. I explained to him how important it is to do so, but I also told him that when the time comes, it will come out like a running faucet. He's okay. My 10yr. old little dude. I was nervous about taking him but he did great. We wrote Julia's name on some more rocks and on Sunday my mom and her husband went there and put a butterfly flag in the ground and covered her rocks and dirt with little butterflies and other little creatures. It looked nice. I kept looking around for a real butterfly knowing darn well that it is too cold for them anymore. I guess I was spoiled by seeing some when I would go to the cemetary. Low and behold, we see a yellow butterfly flying close to us. Jordan quietly tried to follow it and when he got close it flew somewhere else and we couldn't find it. I told him that it was Julia playing hide and seek with him. My mom told me that she also saw a butterfly on Sunday when she was there. Pretty awesome.

I'm not sure if I'm any better today then yesterday but I feel like it's a little deeper in me today. Not on the surface like yesterday.

Saturday night Celeste and her family came to visit. It was really nice. Celeste spoke to me more then ever and my sister was holding Ella most of the night and her bright eyes were shining everywhere and Grant and Jacob were running circles around me. They watched Finding Nemo and a great time was had by all. Tami and I really didn't get to speak much, due to all the kids but when it was time to leave I had walked them outside and Tami just stayed still and turned to me and said she didn't want to leave. She felt like we didn't get to really talk and she just wanted to stay. I wanted her to. It's been before Julia died when we last saw each other and that's hard when we have such a connection. But none the less they came over and everything was good. It was also nice to see Jeremy. Please continue saying prayers for sweet Celeste.

Thank you for the continuing support. It really means alot to me. My prayers continue to go out to all who need them.

Judy

Julia,
Hi sweetness. Jacob says he loves you big much!!! I heard your name so much today between all the kids, it was just great!!!! We miss you terribly and love you with all we have. Good night my angelbaby. We love you, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Monday, November 10, 2003 7:02 PM CST

Two months ago today my 5 1/2 year old daughter left this earth to become the most beautiful angel ever...............
It SUCKS!!! Plain and simple and right to the point. I'm so angry today, it's just not fair. Why does a child have to go thru such horrible things and then die??? Where is the logic? G-d has a plan right? Sorry, I don't agree nor do I accept it. What plan could he have that would possibly involve a 5 1/2 year old? I've met so many parents who are going thru or have gone thru similar things and there is no good reason for it. Yes we have touched many lives but I'd trade it all in a second to have my daughter back and healthy. How am I suppose to get thru the rest of my life without my child. I gave birth to four children and my world has changed. I only have three that are here. I had four damn it, I want all four!!!

I had to stop and let the tears flow freely out of me. I just can't continue right now.

Sunday, November 9, 2003 7:53 PM CST

Tomorrow is going to be 2 months since Julia passed away. Two months that I can't get back but have the peace and belief that my daughter is running around having a wonderful, wonderful time. As someone said to me today that heaven was so lucky to get an angel like Julia. Justine, myself and Amy (U-Suck club member) went to a craft show today and the weirdest things were happening. The first was a booth that had horseshoes and had different things attached to it. Well, we found ones that had angels on it and don't you know, I found a green one (Julia's favorite color) and it is a green horseshoe and it has an angel sitting on it dressed in green with beautiful green wings and above it has a little sign which reads, "I BELIEVE IN ANGELS." It brought tears to my eyes and I immediately knew it was meant for me. I now have it hanging on my wall right next to my computer desk. Then Justine was getting her face painted by a clown. She had a unicorn (my favorite) painted on and the booth right across had something that had kids names on it and we saw "Julie" (close enough) well, Amy had made the comment that it was nice of Julia to let us know that she was here but she couldn't believe that she was that close to a clown. Julia was very frightened of clowns. She wouldn't be caught seen that close to a clown, anyway no sooner did Amy say that the person who ran the booth moved it so we couldn't see it anymore. (She also moved a couple other ones so it wasn't like she could hear us). We looked at each other and by the look on our faces it's safe to say that we were both freaked out. :) But then we truly believed that it was Julia and she stayed long enough to let us know that she was there.

The pain is so deep in my heart,
Rolie Polie Olie I miss you so
Two months tomorrow since we've been apart
The pain that I feel no one will ever really know.

You were my Snuggles and daddy's Tumbleweed,
Jordan, Justine, and Jacob talk to you every day
To have you here with us is all we need
They want to know why you couldn't stay.

You have touched so many lives I can't express,
I close my eyes to hear you talk and see you run
I just wish the pain could be less
I picture you having so much fun.

Whatever the reason we'll never know,
Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob send you a kiss
But the lives that you've touched will always show
Julia, you will forever be missed.

I've been wanting to do that since the day Julia died and for some reason, right now I was finally able to.

Julia,
Please feel my arms around you and know that we miss you terribly and love you so much. Please continue to watch over all of us. We love you angelbaby, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Friday, November 7, 2003 7:49 PM CST

There once was a procession of children marching in heaven. Each held a lighted candle, and as they marched they sang. Their faces shone with happiness but one little girl stood alone. "Why don't you join us little girl?" one happy child asked. "I can't", she replied. "Every time I light my candle, my mother puts it out with her tears."

My girlfriend ran across that and gave it to me. Pretty powerful stuff. I'd like to share something that a dear sweet little girl is doing in honor of my daughter:

Hi, it's me Arabella Uhry!

My friend Sophie who is in my class at school gave me a great idea. My
birthday is November 16th (just a few days before Sophie's) and Sophie
suggested that instead of gifts for her birthday, people make a donation to
The Monterey Bay Acquarium to help save the dolphins she loves.

My request is almost the same. As some of you know, a little girl adopted
from China who was exactly my age named Marissa Burghart died in September,
one day after her 8th birthday, of a brain tumor. Another little girl named
Julia Levy, age five, also died of a brain tumor at around the same time.
Both were lovely, wonderful girls who will be terribly missed by all whose
lives they touched, but are alive in so many of our hearts because of the
legacies they left.

If you've already gotten me a birthday present, that's fine. But if you
haven't, I hope you will instead consider making a donation of ANY amount to
the following:

For Julia Levy:

Tumbleweed Foundation
3803 Alexis Street
Pittsburgh, PA 15207
Att: Mary Kitchen

For Marissa Burghart:

1. Memorial & Honor Program-Brain Tumor Research-Marissa Burghart
St Jude Children's Research Hospital
501 St Jude Place
Memphis, TN 38105
1-800-873-6983

2. Newton Community & Healthcare Foundation
Marissa Burghart Art Scholarship Fund
600 Medical Center Drive
P.O. Box 548
Newton, KS 67114-0548
316-804-6006



See you at the party!

Love from
Arabella Uhry

Arabella is going to be 8yrs. old on Nov. 16. She is determined to find a cure for brain tumors. I wish her success!!!

Tonight we went over to a new friend's house and met other new friends. Val (hostess) has a 2yr named Katie who has a brain tumor and is doing wonderfully and Patsy whose son John who is 5 and has a tumor and is also doing well. We also met Jackie whose daughter Victoria who is 1 and is absolutely adorable and is undergoing testing. Please help me by keeping my new friend's and their children in prayers. It was a bit difficult tonight. Not too bad. I had a couple of times where I became a bit emotional. Jarrod and I were a little nervous on how we would feel because we knew these survivors would be there and our Julia wouldn't. You know what, we were okay. We talked about her in good times and bad. I continue to try and find the good in everything and the good I found tonight is we met some wonderful people who have touched our lives and I know we have touched theirs. Unfortunately Celeste and her family couldn't make it. They were missed.

Julia my love,
Sweetness we miss you so so much. I always wear my angel pin so you are forever close to me. Keep making those butterflies appear in whatever way you can so I know you're listening to me. Take care of your little angel friends. Feel my arms wrapped around you squeezing you and kissing you all over. I love you angel baby. We all do, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob.

Thursday, November 6, 2003 8:12 PM CST

Today wasn't too bad. I did some running around. At one point though while I was driving I all of the sudden started crying and feeling really down. It had started to rain a little and I was just feeling pretty shitty. When I got home I was trying to help the kids with homework and my stress level just kept going up and up. Finally the adult-kid ratio changed and I had some adults to talk to so by the end of the night I am okay. You just never know when the sadness is going to surface. I always feel it, just sometimes it is contained. I find myself still being full of anger whenever I think about Julia not being here. It's different than thinking about her being in heaven because I'm okay with that. Peaceful. But when I think of her not being here any longer I get really pissed off. I just let the emotions happen and deal with life the best I can. Some days are better then others and I'm not looking for just the good days that's why I say I just have to deal with it.

Julia,
Sweetness, how you are missed!!!! The aches in our heart, the pain that we feel. I'm so glad you are not suffering anymore I (we) just wish we had our little care bear back with us. We all miss you terribly. Love, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Wednesday, November 5, 2003 11:10 AM CST

Well, here it is another Wednesday. Eight weeks since Julia passed but not quite two months. That crazy bs again. Anyway, I'm at work and so far I am okay. On the short drive in (I only live 6 min. away from work) I had a talk with Julia so I knew I was going to be okay.

Two of my girlfriends (U-Suck club members) took their children who were Julia's friends to the cemetary yesterday. From what I was told everyone did okay. They saw one yellow butterfly. Go Julia!!!!

Monday night was okay at The Caring Place. Mostly informational stuff. The tears were present but it was okay and it was great to have Jarrod there as my support. Whether it was to hold my hand or rub my back I knew he was right there with me. He's doing a bit better. Jordan, Justine, and Jacob were all in different groups and had a blast. They can't wait to go back. They were allowed to come in the room where the adults were if they needed us and no one came in. There were about five families there and I think we were the only ones that had lost a child. The others had a mom or dad die. The ages from the kids ranged from a little younger then Jacob to teens. It's more of a support group then counseling. I hope we get to attend before the holidays, if not I asked if they offered something to help us get through the holidays and they are supposed to call us with the info. I think it may be one night next week and it is about coping with the holidays so at least we all know that there is some help out there.

So, that's the update for now. Hope everyone is having a great day.

Judy

Rolie Polie Olie Julie Ravioli Stromboli Guacamole Cappicoli,

Loving you and missing you more then words can say. At the Caring Place the symbol is a butterfly over a broken heart and as soon as we walked in there was a display of butterflies. Thanks sweetness. We love you, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Sunday, November 2, 2003 7:48 PM CST

Don't you just love the butterflies?????? I'm so excited to see that I was able to put them on Jules's website. I found this on my calendar:

"The truth is that there is much more strength and power in the individual than he has ever known or even visualized as a possibility."

Kind of explains me to a "T" It was on October and of course I didn't pay any attention to it until I was ready to flip the page to November.

We went with friends to a movie today and out to dinner. A good time was had by all. One of my friend's has a little girl who was in need of clothes, the same size as Jules. It gave me the motivation to go through her dresser. It was pretty hard and the tears were flowing. I did make a pile that I will keep forever but I made it easier to put the other stuff in a bag knowing that I was able to help someone else. So many people are worried about helping me and I'm more concerned with helping others. That's just who I am and what I'm about. I lost that part of me for awhile and it feels good to have it back. It was never easy for me to ask for help before but when I really needed it I could ask. (Told you Amy)

Tomorrow night is our evaluation to the Caring Place and I'm pretty nervous. It's two hours. We'll just have to see how it goes.

My little friend Caitlin is out of the hospital and back home. Please keep her in your prayers along with all the other children and families. G-d Bless everyone.

Hey Julia,

We saw that bright star tonight and knew it was you looking down on us. Tomorrow is going to be a rough evening for us, please keep a close eye on us. We love you baby, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Saturday, November 1, 2003 7:19 PM CST

Last night was great. The kids had a wonderful time. We went to a friend's mom's neighborhood and the bags got full. Afterwards we hung around and the kids all played and the adults talked. It was nice all the way around. Julia was mentioned as usual, especially at night there were tons of stars in the sky. The kids picked the brightest ones and we all stood around saying good night to Jules and that we love her. Including the friends. It was nice. Dad was able to join us which was especially nice. He went around with Jacob while the other kids were in different groups.

I've got a bit of anxiety going on right now. My heart rate is a little fast due to having palpitations which I sometimes get. So I figured if I sat down and wrote maybe some of it would leave. Not real sure why it's happening but it's nothing that I'm alarmed about.

I think that's about it for tonight.

Julia baby,
Missing you and loving you sooooooooooooo much. Watch out for the new angels honey, they'll need someone to take care of them. Continue being your sweet self and you'll continue to make friends. I always picture you running and laughing and having a great time surrounded by love and happiness. That makes Mummy happy chicken. I love you Rolie Polie Olie Julie Ravioli Stromboli Cappicoli Guacomole. We all love you, Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Thursday, October 30, 2003 8:11 PM CST

I'd like to start out thanking everyone who responded to my last journal. The only thing I ask is that when you sign the guestbook or email me please do not apologize for not signing on sooner. I'm not looking for that I'm just looking for exactly what I got, people that care and the support I need and for that I thank you. As I thank everyone else who is a "regular" here. I really do appreciate your support.

I had a phonecall today from a person in our benefits dept. who wanted to know if I cancelled Julia off my insurance because she was in college. I told her no and she asked what the reason was and I told her that my daughter had passed away. She was very apologetic and she asked what happened so first I explained that my daughter is not college age and that she was only 5 1/2 and I proceeded to tell her Julia's story. She apologized and hoped I didn't find her insincere. After I hung up of course the tears started. It was as if someone hit a switch. Of course I also thought of the fact that I signed the Change of Status form and put my daughter's birthdate on it and had she paid attention she would have seen it and the phone call would never have been made. I have been trying to find the good in everything and maybe that is what I needed to start the tears. I went to the cemetary today and this time I cried my eyes out. I was completely hysterical. Sitting on the ground next to where my baby's body lie. Part of me wanted to dig thru all the rocks and dirt and the other kept thinking that it was just her outer shell and I still had her with me. Julia made it another beautiful day. I stayed there for over an hour. I wrote her name all over the rocks again. Every time I looked up there were so many yellow butterflies around. I actually tried to follow one and it kept flying away from me so I realized that it wasn't Julia :) There was one that kept flying all around her grave. It made me smile. How unfair it all is!

We're taking the kids to go trick or treating with our friends tomorrow night. I hope everything turns out okay. I was already advised by my girlfriend that if I'm not okay it is still okay. :) Right now I am so emotionally drained, I can't stop yawning but ER is on in half an hour!

Hey Chicken,
We all miss you and love you so much. Up to the sky and back down again and up and down. Thanks for being with me today honey, mommy needed that smile. My heart feels shattered without you and I'm trying to pick up the pieces. I love you my buddy. Kisses and hugs. We all love you, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Wednesday, October 29, 2003 8:44 PM CST

Today was my second day of work. It was an emotional day. Today is Wednesday, which marks 7 weeks since Julia died. I didn't sleep real well last night and it took everything in me to stay at work once I got there. All I wanted to do was run. I stayed all day. I even did a bit of my old work. It's weird, 7 weeks is such a short time but part of it feels like it has been forever since she passed. Emotions are a crazy thing. I'm going to go to the cemetary tomorrow. Maybe that's what I need.

I took the kids to the mall tonight where they had trick or treating going on. I went with a couple people of the U-Suck Club and their kids. Everyone had a good time. Lots of candy. None that really appealed to mom so I guess that's a good thing. I'll wait until the real Halloween day. :) Jordan is Scream: he has a mask that has blood flowing through it, Justine is a witch, and Jacob is a tiger.

We go to the Caring Place Monday night. I'm a bit nervous. I guess for myself and the kids. I know that the shock is wearing off and reality is setting in. It pretty much feels like I'm going through it again but this time it's harder because I'm not as numb as before.

Dad is doing a bit better. Please keep the prayers coming. He's such a good guy.

I'm really tired. Enough for today. I do one request for some of you: I would love for those who are reading this and haven't signed the guestbook to drop me an email or just sign your name so I can read how many lives we have really touched. I can see by the number, over 42,000 but I would love just a hello from people. The support helps me so much. Everyone always says how I touch people's lives but you all touch mine so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Prayers to all who are in need. G-d Bless.

Good Night,
Judy

Hey Rolie Polie Olie Julie Guacamole Stromboli Cappicoli Ravioli we all miss you so much chicken!!! Life isn't the same without you. To just hold you again and kiss those soft cheeks. I picture you all the time running, playing and taking care of the new angels. We love you baby!!!!!
Love, Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Monday, October 27, 2003 7:12 PM CST

I survived my first day back to work. I was so nervous. I guess just a combination of everything. It really wasn't that bad. I just got this incredible rush of emotion just now and the tears are filling up my eyes. I don't know what the hell is happening right now. I just feel incredibly sad.

My three year old just came in and loved me up s I am okay now. Emotions are a crazy thing. I actually just sat here staring at the screen until Jacob came in and wanted held. We were carving pumpkins tonight and Justine was getting grossed out sticking her hand inside of it and Jordan was having fun and I asked them what they thought Julia would do and Justine thought Julia wouldn't like it and Jordan thought she might and I couldn't remember last year if she participated or not which pisses me off that I can't remember but Jordan told me to ask her so I did and then the subject all the sudden got changed.

Kids are ready to go up to bed so this is it for me tonight.
My prayers continue to go out to those in need and my gratitude continues to go out to those who have touched my life.

G-d Bless,
Judy

Julia baby,
We're still wondering if you would stick your hands in the pumpkin or not. The kids had fun. Jacob didn't do any of it. He was too busy watching tv. We miss you terribly angelbaby. I read that if a butterfly lands on you that you have just been touched by an angel and sweetness I know that you have touched lots of lives. Good night chicken. We love you. Mommy, Daddy, Jordan, Justine, and Jacob

Sunday, October 26, 2003 8:03 PM CST

Another busy weekend. Jordan had a soccer game on Saturday that I was finally able to go to. My boy did great!!! I was so proud of him. I saw a few people that I hadn't seen for awhile. It wasn't too bad. One of Julia's friends wanted to say hi to me but was too shy so I coaxed him over to me and we talked for a couple of minutes. Then his mom told me how he wanted to come over to me but was shy and how they see Julia in their backyard and I believe we both started with the tears. It's always so nice to hear how Julia is still touching people's lives. She is such a busy angel. Yesterday we went to another pumpkin patch and there were alot of people there and the families that I had seemed to be focusing on all had four children. It hurt alot. That is us. We were the ones walking around with four kids. How do you all of the sudden just change that to three? It doesn't seem possible. My heart aches for my baby girl so much. I think alot of the shock has worn off and reality is settling in and I feel like I'm going through it again. It's hard to explain. We have our therapy consultation next week.

Yes, tomorrow I go back to work. I am nervous that's for sure. I also know that I will do fine so I'm not so sure why I'm nervous. Guess just another change in my "normalcy". Whatever that may be.

Julia,
We miss you care bear. I was thinking about getting a Dora blanket for your bed since they didn't have any out while you were alive. I thought it would match great with your sheets and toys. Jordan talks about you soooooo much. He really misses his baby sister. All the kids do. So do Mommy and Daddy. Please continue watching over all of us and take care of the new angels that have just come to heaven baby. We love you.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003 9:10 PM CDT

Every once in a while I view the photos that I have on here and I just got done doing just that and boy did my eyes fill up rather quickly. We really miss our sweet baby so much. All of us. She is constantly being talked about, whether it is Jordan (10) who is expressing himself by telling me how unfair it is that Julia had to die at such a young age, or Jacob (3) who when he gets real tired always says that he misses Julia, or Justine (7) who is so thrilled that she can play with Julia's toys or wear her clothes that are two sizes too small. It's something to see how they each express themselves. Then there's dad whose pain is so deep. Please pray real hard for him, and me........sometimes I'm feeling pretty much the way other people do: wondering how the hell is she doing it? Beats me. But then I have days where the pain is so real it hurts to breathe. These last few days have been like that. I have to thank my friends who helped me through it and who were just there for me and helped even though they probably didn't even know it.

Today I had lunch with an old friend. It was nice. We did a bit of "remember when". Life sure was different then, no worries, actually the biggest worry was "will we got caught", now look at my life. Boy do I have worries huh? It's kind of weird though. The past 3-4 days there has been alot of "old" memories/flashbacks happening. Running into people from my past, visiting places where I grew up, etc. It brought back some good feelings. Sometimes I guess we just need to let go and go back to where we felt safe.

I am going back to work on Monday. Part-time for now. We'll see how it goes. I am nervous, but all I can do is try.

Tomorrow is my last day of physical therapy. I'm really not sure if it helped all that much. Joe and Bonnie are very nice people and I enjoyed meeting them. I don't go back to the doc's until the 27th so we'll see what's what from there.

Continued prayers for all who are in need.

Good Night,
Judy

Sunday, October 19, 2003 7:51 PM CDT

This weekend was pretty busy. Today I took the kids to an Autumnfest at Seven Springs. We went with a bunch of people and everyone had a good time. I was pretty emotional today. I really felt the hurt in my heart. I guess the weekend was so packed that it was just too much happening that Julia wasn't a part of and I was really feeling it. Although there was a clown show and I know Julia would have freaked because she was so afraid of clowns. Through the craft show there were angels and butterflies everywhere so I knew my baby was there. It just really hurt and still does. Saturday night my sister and I and the kids went to our friend's house to hang out with her and her kids. There were 8 kids altogether. They had a blast. That's when it really started to hurt because this was Julia's boyfriend Josh's house and I just missed seeing her playing with him. He was doing silly stuff like falling off the arm of the chair onto the floor and I could just picture Julia sitting with me and cracking up at him. Yesterday we went to another pumpkin patch through the church. Jordan was again missed it due to a soccer game. (He actually was able to go with us today). The kids were able to pick a pumpkin and then draw on it. There were three picnic tables and my crew was sitting at the middle one. To my left was a little girl named Julia and to my right the mom kept calling her little one Jules. I think my Julia was right there with us wouldn't you say? We were at a craft show in the same area and there were three blue, green, and one had a hint of yellow on it butterflies that you stick in the yard or in a plant, well my mother-in-law bought all three and gave one to my neice, one to Justine, and the one with the hint of yellow to me. Blue and green were Julia's favorite colors and yellow is mine. Needless to say the tears were present. As much as I miss Julia, that is how much I know she is right here with me. Friday I had physical therapy and Joe tried to turn me into a human pretzel. I left out of there pretty sore and I think he knew that. This weekend was not good for me. I am hurting alot, my neck, back, and hip. I only have two more days of physical therapy left so Joe better do some magic. :)
I am so thoroughly exhausted right now. I think I'm going to call it a night.

Until next time..........

Julia my sweet angel baby how I miss you. I know you are in a better place and you are happy and running around but it doesn't change the fact that we wish you were here with us. I love you so much angel baby. We have noticed you so much around the house. Jordan and Justine are always pointing you out and Jacob is forever talking about you. As I sit here and cry I just wish that I could hold you again. We love you so much sweet pea.

Monday, October 13, 2003 6:58 PM CDT

This weekend was pretty eventful. Saturday I took Justine and Jacob and my sister's kids to a pumpkin patch with some friends. Jordan had a soccer game which he didn't want to miss so he did that and then spent the day at a friend's house that he has never been to. They had a blast. I'm glad, Jordan is an easy to get along with kind of kid. The kids went on a hayride and rode a pony. Then we all went to eat and then went to a park. It was a good time for all.
Sunday my sister was to take me to Red Lobster and then we were going shopping. It was going to be nice just she and I. Mind you what was suppose to be the two of us ended up to be a private party with about 15 people. It was a luncheon just for me to show me how much my friends and relatives care about me. I was snowballed and I don't like to be snowballed. :) As the waitress was walking us through the restaurant I couldn't understand why she was passing up so many empty tables. Then I spotted an empty booth so I figured that is where we were going to sit. Well, she past that up and stopped in the walkway of a room and I was wondering why this woman all the sudden stopped and there wasn't a table or booth in front of her. I looked in and spotted two of my friends than looked around the tables and noticed everyone else. My sister couldn't even get the word surprise out of her mouth because she was all choked up. I went around the room giving everyone a kiss and telling almost all of them (my mom was there) that they sucked and low and behold we now have the U-Suck Club with my sister as the president. :) It was a wonderful, and very moving afternoon. I was so touched. I would look around the room and just realized how blessed I was. I have to admit that I asked my sister if anything else was going to happen because I was a little nervous. When she reassured me that that was it I relaxed.
We went over friend's house for dinner and to watch the Steeler game. (Another loss). It was a good weekend all and all.
I did wear makeup and my jewelry on Sunday. Thanks to my sister and her words (that's all I'm going to say). After I put my makeup on I looked in the mirror and cried. I'm not sure why. Well, maybe I am, the last time I looked in the mirror and saw me with makeup on was when Julia was alive. I saw her throughout the weekend.
Thanks to all who made me feel so loved and I'm sorry I didn't get to see the ones that couldn't make it. The U-Suck Club rocks!!!!
I decided to go back to work fairly soon. Part-time to start. Financially I need to. It's going to be difficult but I'll be okay, I know that.

Julia my love, I miss you so much. It really hurts. I think about you all the time and talk about you as much as I can. Everyone loves and miss you sweet pea. I feel you in me which gives me peace.

Good night and please say extra prayers for Jarrod. G-d Bless everyone and prayers to those who need it.

Judy

Friday, October 10, 2003 10:52 PM CDT

Well, today marks one month since Julia passed away. Where the hell does the time go??? We all miss her sooooo much. It hurts, it really hurts. I did alot of talking about Jules today and it felt wonderful. I love talking about her. My mom told me she was having such a rough time because when she closes her eyes at night she see Julia in my arms with her hand on her chest. Same as when she opens her eyes in the morning. I told her to go on the site and look at the pics of Julia in the coffin. See that peaceful looks that lies upon her beautiful face. She's not there yet and that's okay. I don't exactly know where the hell I am but for right now I am okay. I gotta end now because I am sooooooo sleepy. I will sleep a couple of hours then be up for 3-4hrs. This stinks. G-d Bless.

Judy

Wednesday, October 8, 2003 8:30 PM CDT

I forgot to mention something about the cemetary. Since all the rocks and dirt were piled up I took a small rock and on every rock where I could fit it I wrote Julia's name and I also wrote I love you on it so people would know that someone was there when they would visit. It was fun marking her name everywhere.

The rest of the day was kind of blah. I actually feel pretty good tonight because I was somewhere with people and I spoke of Julia and other things going on in my life and some people could share some of the same things. Without going into too much detail.... it was an awesome feeling. Even though I am very open in my journaling there are some things that have to be left private, so as I write about them in a roundabout way, I understand what I am writing.

I wanted to thank everyone for all the suggestions with the number of kids and the family portrait. You all are awesome and I'm so glad you are in my life.

Good Night,
Judy

Wednesday, October 8, 2003 9:37 AM CDT

Okay, here it is four weeks since Julia died. Not one month yet because technically that won't be for two days. But it is 4 Wednesdays. Make sense? Not to me either.

I had physical therapy this morning and then I went to the cemetary. In the Jewish religion it is a custom that you wait 30 days before going to visit. Close enough. I held off long enough. I was so anticipating a major release of emotions when I got there and I was actually worried because I forgot to grab tissues to take with me. Julia is laid next to my dad and on the left of her is my grandparents. Of course she doesn't have a stone yet it was just a big pile of rocks and dirt. It is also customary to put a rock on the top of the tombstone to show that you were there. I put one of my dad's and two on my grandparents and I even placed one upon all the rocks that were already covering where Julia's body lies. I stood there and talked for awhile to all of them. I closed my eyes and asked Julia to come to me. I wanted a butterfly to fly around me so I knew she was with me. When I opened my eyes I looked around and didn't see any butterflies, instead a saw a beautiful blue sky, a beautiful day, and I realized that Julia has been visiting everyone else for a reason and I don't need a butterfly to surround me because she left her body and came right into mine. How peaceful a feeling that is. Of course I want her here with me more than life, to hold her, kiss her, tickle her, just love her. That will never again happen in this lifetime and I am so full of anger because of it. My daughter was 5 1/2 years old and was robbed her life for a reason that I will never understand.

A big question I have been dealing with and which has been presented to me by my 7 year old a few times is: How many children to you have? When I say 4 she tells me I'm wrong because Julia is dead and I only have 3. I explain to her that I will always have four whether they are alive or dead. The more I think about it, the more I'm not real sure how to answer that question. Everyone is talking about getting family portraits taken and I told my sister I don't know if I ever will again because my family is not complete anymore. How could I look at a family portrait without my Julia in it? That's my outlook now, who knows what it will be like in the future.

Dad is still in need of alot of prayers. With neither one of us working now it is starting to get a little scary. Too much to handle in my life right now.

I immediately came to the computer after walking in the door so I could release my emotions through my journaling if it wouldn't come out in tears.

G-d Bless everyone and my thoughts and prayers continue to go out to all the kids and families.

Judy


Julia,
Baby, I love you and miss you with all my heart!!!!!!

Sunday, October 5, 2003 9:44 PM CDT

Today was pretty much a shitty day. Jordan went to a b-day party and had a good time. We had a nice dinner here tonight for Yom Kippur. Of course it was a bit difficult without Julia there. Life is just sucky. Dad is still having a rough time. I realize I have absolutely no time for myself and that is why I can't slow down enough to get in touch with what is going on inside me. Sometimes I feel like I just can't handle it anymore and other times I'm handling it okay. Today I just can't handle it. It's just too much for me today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a little easier. That's it for me, I'm going to continue to watch the Steeler game which is going about as well as I'm feeling.

Thoughts and prayers to everyone who is need. G-d Bless.

Judy

Saturday, October 4, 2003 6:57 PM CDT

Yesterday was a tough day. No specific reason, just felt miserable. No specific reason, that was pretty stupid. I was emotionally messed up. I started my day with physical therapy which wasn't too bad. I sure could use it now though, my back is killing me. I've been overdoing it today. (I knew you'd read this Joe :) Then I went out for a bit by myself to buy b-day presents for the parties my kids are going to this weekend. I was driving and wanted to keep going. Things at home are still "off the normal road" but my life hasn't been too normal for awhile now. Dad is having a rough time accepting Julia's death. Grieving really sucks!!!! Although I did notice that people seem to know just how to do it. I've heard quite a few different ways that people think I should be doing it. I haven't worn make-up since the funeral, nor have I worn any of my jewelry since then also. Everyone knows how much I love my jewelry. I just don't care now. I did get my hair done the other day and it made me feel a little better but I'm just not at the same speed that other people are at right now and I'm comfortable with that. When Julia died, I dealt with it, now I feel like there's so much in me that needs to come out and it's almost like I'm shutting it out. Although someone brought to my attention that I may be doing that because I really don't have much time for myself and my kids are keeping me at that even level. Understand? I do and it makes sense. I came across Julia's favorite pair of shorts today and I just tugged at them and tears filled my eyes. My kids and I always talk about her. Jordan and Justine were in bed this morning watching tv and they were screaming for me to come in the room. I flew in for them to tell me that they both asked Julia for a certain program to come on and low and behold it did. They were thanking Julia. It was awesome. I'm not sure if I'm making sense or not, I kind of feel like I'm just rambling but that's okay if I am. I'm just typing away.

Julia sweetie, I miss you more than anything. We talk about you all the time but you know that. We all miss you. Please keep an eye on Daddy and help him through this. We feel your presence and love it. Thank you. I love you up to the sky and back down again and up and down and up and down.

Judy

Wednesday, October 1, 2003 8:42 PM CDT

Can you believe it's been 3 weeks since Julia has passed??? Incredible. I miss my jiggy so much! I'm just sitting here wondering what to write. My head is filled with a lot but my fingers aren't moving yet. Wow.

Things have been a little crazy here, some detours in our already "off the path" road. It's tough but I'm hanging in there. And I thank Julia for that. I have received so much of my strength through that child. What a gift.

I have spoken to a few places today about getting the kids into therapy. I have another call to make tomorrow. The phone calls aren't hard, it's when the person on the other end extends their condolences that is hard. It's like a slap back into reality. I know that may not sound right but that's pretty much how it is.

I've cried off and on over the past 24 hours. I know I have a lot inside me that needs to come out. I'm just waiting for the release.

I'm really tired and I'm not quite sure if I'm making sense tonight. I do know that my prayers go out to all who are hurting and my thank you goes out to all of you that have offered me such wonderful support. G-d Bless.

Judy


Julia,
I miss you so much honey. I miss stroking your hair, your smell, your touch. How I long to hold you, hear your voice, listen to your giggle. I close my eyes and we are together. A butterfly bush was planted outside by Mary for you so please bring your friends and come say hi to everyone. I know you are okay and surrounded by so much love baby! That keeps me going. I love you CareBear. Mommy. Everyone says they love and miss you!!!!!!

Monday, September 29, 2003 11:45 AM CDT

I would like to start out explaining what this journal does for me. This is my therapy. It is such a perfect way of getting rid of what is on the inside. I'm doing this for myself and for no one else. I appreciate the entries that everyone puts in except when it comes time to telling me what I should or should not do. I am the one who has lost a beautiful child. I am the one who had to watch my child suffer with an incurable illness. I am the one who is now grieving because she is no longer here to play with her brothers and sister or to give her mom and dad a kiss. Please do not sign your entry as "a christian friend" when my friends do not judge or criticize my feelings and/or actions.

With that said, we are coming up on three weeks. I can't believe it. I called today to a support place to take my kids to for therapy and I'm awaiting their return call. I didn't sleep real well last night. Lots of stuff going on. Jacob came into my room during the night and laid down with me and I called him angel and he told me that he is not an angel, Julia is. What a cutie! Jordan's party was a success. He didn't get any duplicate gifts. Amazing. Lots of Spiderman stuff. My friends took me out to dinner last night. It was a nice dinner but still a little hard for me, although it is getting easier. My pain is still great and I still expect to see her at times during the day. It's just so hard to believe that I lost a child. Things like that just aren't suppose to happen.

Someone wrote that she hopes that with everyone's entries that it is helping me and I want to say a big thank you to everyone because your support is so awesome. I mean it. Just like you look forward to reading my journals, is how I feel to read your entries. Thank you!!!!!

Judy
Mom of Angel Julia

Julia,
Hi Sweet pea! We all miss you so so much honey. We all say good night to you either by finding a star or by just talking to you. We love you angel baby!!!!

Saturday, September 27, 2003 9:29 PM CDT

Last night was our holiday dinner at my mom's. There were about 23 people. It was very hard. I missed Julia so much. Everyone was wishing everyone else a Happy New Year and I couldn't say anything. I wasn't very festive. Tonight was dinner at our place that my mother-in-law made. (We supply the house) About 19 people were here. At one point like I always did, I looked at the kids plates to see how they were eating. First was Jordan, who finished his, then Justine who wouldn't eat, then Jacob who I don't think ever sat down, and then I looked for Julia and her plate. It really sucked when I realized she wasn't there. Tomorrow is Jordan's b-day party that is overdue. His b-day was on the 5th. If I get thru that I'll be so happy.
When I put the kids to bed Jordan was telling me that he misses Julia and we were talking about her. Justine wasn't real interested in the conversation but she did participate. Jordan asked me why G-d would take Julia away from us and I'll be damned if I had an answer for him! I told him right now I am angry at G-d for taking her and he agreed with me. We discussed how it wasn't fair and we just don't understand it. He was fighting back the tears. He and Justine were saying how they can close their eyes and talk to Julia. That's so awesome. We have been very blessed with our children. I love all the butterfly stories. They make me feel so good.

Good Night,
Judy

Good night Angel baby. I love you!!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 25, 2003 9:59 PM CDT

Today was a pretty busy day. First I had physical therapy then I had my regular therapy which wasn't too emotional. It was a good appointment overall. Then I had to pick up Jordan from school to take him to the doctors for his 10yr well child visit. Okay, that was hard. I saw everyone I knew. Very hard. I started with the palpitations and feeling very nervous. I just wanted to be home. All the kids started pouring out of school and I felt pretty overwhelmed. While I was waiting for Jordan, I saw Julia's friends Hannah and Isabella. Hannah came over and gave me a great big hug. Then I heard their moms talking about the girls wanting to play together. It ripped right through my heart because Julia should have been there in that conversation. I don't want the mom's to have the kids avoid me but it's hard to see Julia's friends alive and happy while my daughter is laid to rest. It's just something I have to work through and I don't want people altering things around me. (Hear that Mary?) While I was driving to the doctors I made a phone call to someone to vent my feelings and when I hung up Jordan told me that Julia was there to play with them, just in spirit. What a kid!!!! I have to include something that Julia's boyfriend Josh prayed tonight, (although she said she wasn't going to marry him, he's just her boyfriend):

"Julia, my girlfriend I miss you and I want you to be my invisible friend and fly down to me. I know I can't see and touch you but I want you to play with me. I will try hard to see you. I miss you, and watch over everyone and your mommy. My mommy misses you, I hope you are having fun and can not wait to see you again. I bet you are a pretty angel and I want to bring you flowers, I love you. Joshua Amen"

Sorry Cathy but I had to share that. I was crying. What a sweet thing to say. Isn't it amazing what kids come up with?

Julia baby, I miss you so much. We looked at the stars and said good night and that we loved you. Now you can really understand what we mean when we say we love you up to the sky and back down again and up and down. I talk about you all the time my sweetness. Jordan wanted to know if you sleep in heaven? I love you Angelbaby!

Good Night,
Judy

Wednesday, September 24, 2003 9:01 PM CDT

Today was a pretty emotional day. Physical therapy went okay. Not into it at all. I rated my pain a 10 from 1-10 and told the therapist that it doesn't effect me that much since I'm still so numb from losing Julia. I have to go for a couple of weeks so we'll see if it helps. I've been down this road so many times before that not only am I disgusted doing it again, but I really didn't want to but my doctor had other plans for me.

I miss my baby so much that tonight I did a tribute to her by having a bowl of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream in her Dora the Explorer bowl. Here's to you Jules!!!!!!!!!!! Mama loves you angel baby!!!!!!

Jarrod and I are starting to get okay with each other. He's being very supportive of my emotions lately which is a definite bonus. It helps to be with each other even though it is hard because we both are grieving so differently. I think one day he may journal, but in his own time.

I love you Julia and we all miss you terribly. Thanks for keeping an eye on everyone. And I do mean everyone. I love you up to the sky and back down again over and over.

Good night,
Judy

Wednesday, September 24, 2003 6:49 AM CDT

As I was finishing typing my entry last night Jarrod came home and read it and the tears started flowing. Forget about "Isabel" I had my own waters here. It was such a release, so deep and powerful. I had not had a cry like that yet. My uncle had sent me an email expressing the need to have an emotional release and what it does to you and I couldn't follow it. After crying I went back and re-read it and understood it completely.

Today is two weeks since Julia passed away. I hope to write more tonight.

Have a good day,
Judy

Tuesday, September 23, 2003 9:07 PM CDT

Last night I finally had a cry. Not a real good one but one none the least. When Julia was having chemo a friend who works at a local tv station interviewed us and she was on tv. Well when I told him of her passing he did another piece letting everyone know this. He was kind enough to make a tape for us. Last night I watched it. I listened to the words that my child lost her battle and I watched her beautiful face with her blues clues hat on and began to cry. I miss my daughter so much. I had to go to Target today and I bumped into two people that I knew. It wasn't that bad but I would've rather been home. Tonight I went to Wal-Mart with my sister and all I kept seeing was butterflies, angels, and Dora the Explorer. What broke my heart was when I found a throw blanket of Dora the Explorer. I hugged it and my sister came over and gave me a hug. I didn't cry I was more pissed that we couldn't have found it earlier on. There were so many people looking for the throw blanket. The one that was in the pictures is what my friend found which was beautiful. It was just the perfect size. It really, really sucked! My sister-in-law Mame told me that she had been having a rough time just reviewing things in her mind like when she was here with Julia and the day Julia died and she was having a difficult time these last couple days. I constantly do that even though I try and visualize her peace and beauty from lying in the casket I still close my eyes and see her face turn blue. I see her body become still and the feeling of her pulse faint away. Here come more tears. Let's see if I can type through tears. Tomorrow it will be two weeks since we lost our baby.....................oh dear g-d I can actually feel my heart breaking. I miss you so much Julia!!! It's just not fair!!!! It's not fair that such a terrible, horrific illness could happen to such innocent, sweet, lovable babies and take their lives away from them. I'll never understand it, I know that but that doesn't make it any easier. Wow, I feel pretty exhausted right now.

Hurting mom,
Judy

Dad isn't doing real well. He spent the last day and a half in bed. Hopefully things will change for him. He's pretty stressed out with work and life in general. We're trying to get through this together rather than apart.

Monday, September 22, 2003 8:41 PM CDT

Today was the first day that I took the kids to school since Julia passed. I was nervous but it was okay. I didn't really run into many people. Afterwards I had to go to physical therapy (thanks doc!) for an ongoing back problem that got worse as Julia's condition worsened from lifting her. I had to tell the therapist how it happened and I got real sad. It sucked. I didn't cry though, just tears in my eyes. After that I stopped at work to pick up some Avon orders and that was real hard. I so didn't want to be there. I wanted to be home. In my safety place. It's weird how I don't want to be out of the house. It's not my personality but I don't want to be apart of anything right now and enough people who have been through similar situations are able to relate to these feelings. When people visit I want to be alone, and when I'm alone I want people to visit. Figure that one out!

Emotionally I wasn't doing well today. I am having trouble releasing my inner feelings. I know I need to cry but it's not near the surface yet. Lately I've been real pissed. I've heard of a couple of other kids that have just passed away and it angers me to no end. Yesterday I was cleaning out Justine's closet getting ready to change the summer and winter clothes and I pulled out a bag that said "Julia 2004 winter". Yeah, I was pissed. I'll never understand but I'm letting the emotions come out. Whatever they may be.

It's been 12 days today. I can't believe it. I still come downstairs and expect to start my day with Jules. Then I see the empty couch and realize that there is no more Jules. Physically. I was telling some friends about how I think I am so exhausted because I don't have to constantly care for anyone right now the way I did for Jules. Thinking over it, I was just like an aid. I never thought I could be an aid, but when it's your kid you just don't think twice about it.

The kids and I always looked for a star tonight but there weren't any so we looked up to the sky and told Julia good night and that we loved her. Jacob got real sad and kept saying that he misses Julia. Big boy Jordan told him that she is forever with us and we'll see her again with a smile on his face.

My prayers continue to all and I thank you for your continued support.

Judy
Mom of Angel Julia Caitlin Levy

Saturday, September 20, 2003 4:04 PM CDT

With the help of a special friend I updated photos. I have put pictures of my daughter lying in the casket so if you choose not to view it, it is the second picture. I couldn't not put them on because I wanted everyone to see how beautiful and peaceful she looked and to understand how I am able to continue to go on. I have the same inner peace that Julia portrayed on the outside.

It's been 10 days and life still sucks. I am functioning and able to take care of my other children but I miss Julia in the worst way and I just wish she was here with us. I went somewhere today where I used to take Julia with me and I actually visualized her there playing and running around. I was surrounded by supportive people who also felt the same as I. The other night Jacob was lying on the couch and kept saying that he misses Julia. The other kids seem to be doing well. I wish I could say the same about mom and dad. Yesterday both my sister-in-laws got tattoos with angels and butterflies on it with Julia's name. It was pretty touching. Aunt Mamie drew butterflies and an angel on our walkway with the kids chalk. Very beautiful.
My sister went to a butterfly show today and there was an orange butterfly named Julia. Jodi actually got to hold it. Of course I told her that was my Julia stopping by to tell her she loved her. It was quite an experience for my sister.

My insides hurt real bad. That pretty well sums up how I feel.

Thanks again for all the words of encouragement and support and my prayers continue to go out there for those who are in need.

Judy
Mom of Angel Julia

Wednesday, September 17, 2003 7:15 AM CDT

I can't believe it's been a week today. How do the days pass by but the pain stays the same? Last night was the first night that the house was empty. Sitting shivah has stopped. I was nervous about being home by myself (the kids went back to school yesterday). I was okay and ended up having visitors anyway. I went out for the first time yesterday since Julia's funeral and I went to the funeral home to pay my respects to our friend. It was the same funeral home but at least in a different room. Of course then I saw the funeral director and he came over and held my hand and didn't make it any easier for me to be there. Then I came home and remained there. I'm not ready to go out. I've had plenty of offers. G-d love these people. I just don't want to face the world yet. My sister is taking the kids to school for me. Someone approached her yesterday and wanted to hug her and she told them she was Jodi not Judy and accepted the hug anyway. :) I'm just not ready for all that. Physically I feel good, but emotionally I'm just not there. Concentration is a thing of the past right now. I'm finally listening to my body and just taking it easy. I've been sleeping at night but been awake alot of the time too. I awake in the morning feeling as tired as I did before I went to sleep. That's how I know I'm not myself yet. Jarrod is hanging in there. I think he may journal himself soon. I think that would be good for him. We're trying very hard to stick together through this even though we're both hurting in our own ways. He misses his Flower so much. He had such plans for her. He wanted her to go in the car business with him. She would always go to work with Daddy and sell cars with him. Daddy's little girl. It's just so not fair!!!

Thank you all for your continued prayers and well wishes. I constantly read your entries and am very blessed to have you in our lives.

Dearest Julia,
Mommy misses you so much jiggy. Thanks for letting so many people know that you are okay. I'm constantly hearing stories about how you have visited my friends. I love you sweet baby!!!!!! In my heart forever!!!

Judy
Mom of My Angel Baby

Monday, September 15, 2003 5:58 AM CDT

We had to be at the funeral home at least a half hour before visiting hours started. Jarrod and I walked in and I kind of lost my breath for a minute and at the same time I remember my gum shooting to the back of my throat. I thankfully didn't swallow it and walked up to the casket where I saw the most beautiful little girl lying there so peaceful. Of course I started to cry but I was so okay. To see how beautiful she looked took away the image that was so indebted into my head of her last breath. I shouldn't say took it away but it pushed it far enough back that I was able to keep how beautiful she looked in the front of my head. Visiting hours started and from 2-4 the place wasn't without people. It was so nice. We went home which seemed to have been for a minute and we were back for the 7-9 shift. I've never seen so many people in my life. The line was never ending. I heard that people were lined up around the funeral home and stood in line for an hour or so before entering the funeral home. At that moment, seeing a never ending line I knew my decision for an open casket was definitely the right one. Julia definitely touched many, many lives. I didn't realize that we knew so many people!

Friday was the big day. I was petrified. More so about the cemetary and I'll explain why in a minute. Everyone was able to say there goodbyes and then they shut the room off for the family to do so and Jarrod and I were the last ones to say goodbye to her and we closed the casket. I couldn't stop crying. I remember keeping my hand on the casket. Somehow I ended back in our seat and the service began. The service was beautiful. My girlfriend Lisa sang and she did such a wonderful job. The Pastor read excerpts that people wrote about Julia which brought smiles to our faces. My nickname for Julia started out to be RoliePolieOlieJulie and ended up being RoliePolieOlieJulieRavioliStromboliCappicoliGuacamole. I always called her that. She would laugh and laugh. Everyone had nicknames for her. Daddy would call her Flowers and Tumbleweeds. We rode in the limo out to the cemetary and I spent the time breaking Justine and Jordan's fights up. Just like normal. :) When we got to the cemetary the driver asked us to remain in the car until all the cars were parked. We watched everyone drive past us and the line just kept going and going. It was awesome to see. We finally got out and my two nephews Jaret and Wesley carried Julia up to the gravesite. Julia was being put to rest next to my grandmother and grandfather and right next to my dad. My mom had a double plot and she gave Julia her plot. My dad died 25 years earlier and to be there doing this was the tough part I mentioned earlier. This was the part that scared the shit out of me. Well, the Rabbi performed the service and I was still okay and then in the Jewish religion we are given dirt I believe from Israel to put on the casket as a way of finalizing the service and Jarrod and I walked close to the casket and I became hysterical. I remember Jarrod holding me because I remember my legs turning to jello and the Rabbi grabbed my arm and said let's do it on the count of three. One, two, and I let go of the dirt. We put Julia's Dora the Explorer blanket over her casket. We then went to the luncheon that my best friend and other special people put together for us. They had two beautiful yellow butterfly balloons tied to the railings outside and went inside for something and when they came back out it looked like the strings were cut perfectly and the balloons were gone. They believed that Julia came down to get her butterflies. There was also a butterfly flying around at the cemetary. Also, when I started to open the cards that we got, the first one I opened had a butterfly on it. My neighbor Shellie put butterflies all over our front bushes so we would always see Julia. It was pretty wild how Julia made it known that she was there.

Saturday, Sunday, and Monday we have been sitting shivah which means that at a certain time of the evening someone performs the service and prayers are said and afterward people eat and visit. We are supposed to keep our mirrors covered and sit on hard chairs and not wear leather shoes all as a symbol of mourning. It is not supposed to matter what we look like, we are not to be comfortable. This can be done up to seven nights but we chose just three. I think the kids might go back to school tomorrow. They're fighting being sick right now. Combination of exhaustion and whatever else. Jarrod and I are hanging in there as best as we can. One day at a time.

Thursday we learned that a friend of ours passed away. He and his wife would occassionally watch our kids. His wife told me yesterday that Julia picked him because she needed someone comical with her. She told me that when we would leave Julia would cry and her husband would tell her it would be okay and ask her if she wanted to play ball knowing his wife didn't allow it because they had hardwood floors and the ball would bounce all over the place. She would tell Julia that if anything would break he would get in lots of trouble and Julia would always laugh.

I know Julia is my guardian angel and she is surrounded by so many people up in heaven. She's met relatives she never knew before and made lots of new friends. She will forever be in my heart. At night the kids go outside and find the shiniest star and say good night to their sister.

I will continue to keep you updated on us as this is very powerful therapy for me. G-d Bless and thank you for all your kind words.

Judy
Mom of Angel Julia

Saturday, September 13, 2003 7:51 AM CDT

I may be repeating myself because I don't look back at previous journals that I have made. I'm also a little blurred so I'm not sure if my information is accurate as far as how it happened. I can't think of what happened on Tuesday...... I remember that Tuesday night I called Hospice because she wasn't doing well. She would stop breathing and she would turn blue. She was having so much trouble breathing. She came out a little later and spoke with the dr. who was out of town. She said that Julia could stop breathing 5-7min at a time and than start again and that this could go on for a few days up to a week. The doctor asked me if she was a smurfy blue. Good way to describe someone huh? Her lips would start turning and then the rest of the face would and I would have my fingers rested on her pulse and eventually she would start coughing and we knew things were okay. As the night went on the hospice nurse left because there wasn't any reason to stay because Julia could hang on for a long time yet. My downstairs was filled with people. The dr. called back and told us that Julia probably had another 8hrs left of life. Can you believe those words? I told Jordan and Justine and it was real hard. Eventually we were able to get them to sleep. We all took turns holding Julia. Let's see if I can name everyone that was there and forgive me if I don't name you it's not on purpose: Grandma, Papa, Nana, Pap, Aunt Sandi, Aunt Mamie, Uncle Jeff, Aunt Jodi, Uncle David, Aunt Connie, Lea, Mary, Lisa, Pastor. I think I got everyone. I just remember looking around at everyone sitting in the living room, on the floor, in the dining room. My house was filled with so much love. Well, during the night Julia had a couple more episodes where she would stop breathing but the pulse was still strong. I couldn't handle it. I was in and out of the bathroom trying to get sick. I was afraid to hold her. People kept telling her to let go and wondering what she was waiting for. Jarrod and I told her again and again that it was okay to go. She would forever be in our hearts. I remember my sister saying that it was the 8th hour. It was 5:30A.M. and Julia was still alive. I just kept praying that if she was going to go it would be soon because I couldn't see my baby go through this for too much longer. I wanted the suffering to stop. I remember looking at her thinking she already looked like death in her eyes. They were so dark all around. Time went on and she was still fighting. I remember my sister telling me to go hold her. I was so afraid. I took her in my arms and sat down with her kissing her and telling her how much I loved her. All the while praying that my daughter would die peacefully. I remember saying that if only she could die without turning blue I would be okay. It was the turning blue that turned my stomach. I kept praying that I needed G-d to listen to me now if ever he was going to. Hospice called and said that both Julia's nurses would be coming over soon. Jarrod had gone up to lay down at some point. He had to deal with things his own way. He was having such a hard time. He held her for a while and told her how much he loved her. By this time it was after 10 and I was holding Julia and Papa asked if he could hold her and I told him no. I remember Aunt Mamie kneeling in front of us and Julia turned blue and my mom was sitting next to me on the couch and put her hand on Julia's chest and started to shake and cry. I told her Julia still had a pulse she was okay. She couldn't feel her heart beating anymore. I still had the pulse. If I'm not mistaken it happened one more time and I told Mame to get her brother and dad came downstairs and he was in front of me holding her as she was still on my lap. Hospice walked in at 10:20A.M. and she told Jarrod not to move, she didn't need to check her right then, we needed to be right where we were. After a minute or so, she checked Julia's lungs and then checked her heart. The whole time my fingers were on her pulse. After she removed the stethoscope I looked up at her and told her I lost her pulse and she said that our baby was gone. It was the most incredible feeling I had go through me. As I looked around at everyone in the room crying I was the only one who was not. My prayers were answered. My sweet baby wasn't suffering anymore and died so very peacefully in my arms. What more could I ask for? I don't know if I had a smile on my face on the outside, but I knew for sure there was one on the inside. She died at 10:23A.M. Wednesday morning Sept. 10. I wouldn't cry, I couldn't cry. People were telling me to cry. I couldn't. I also couldn't stop holding her. I finally let other people hold her so they could say goodbye to her. Dad immediately had to go upstairs and get his inhaler because he was having trouble breathing. The Pastor had gone up with him. When he did come down and sat next to me on the couch, I began to cry. Our baby was gone. Our baby was gone. The funeral home came to get her and Jarrod carried Julia out to the car. Everyone made two lines for him to walk between so they could say their goodbyes. I didn't like that. I couldn't handle it. Julia was laid on the gerney (sp?) with her Dora the Explorer pillow. The man wrapped her up and was getting ready to cover her head and Aunt Sandi yelled for him not to do that. He closed the door and drove off. I was hysterical in my husband's arms yelling that our baby was gone. I don't remember much after that.

At some point we went to the funeral home to go over the arrangements and look at the casket that she would be in. What a disgusting feeling. Julia was laid out Thursday 2-4 and 7-9. I don't remember the rest of the day. I really don't. I remember after Julia died and while people were crying I was calling people to let them know she had passed. I felt like I was so in control compared to everyone else. Crazy. Anyway, when I walked into the funeral home and saw Julia laying in the casket, I felt my gum fly to the back of my mouth and I almost choked on it. I went up and saw my beautiful, beautiful daughter lying there and I just can't express how beautiful and peaceful she looked. Of course I cried at first and then I felt that inner peace that I had continued to carry inside me for a long time. Seeing her looking so beautiful made it a little easier. Visiting hours started and I will continue that my next entry. My insides feel like their going to come through my chest and I need to get these palpitations under control.

Judy

Wednesday, September 10, 2003 3:50 PM CDT

To all of you who have supported Julia, myself, and my family: Thank you so very much. You have given me the support I needed.

Julia passed away this morning at 10:23A.M. She did not suffer and went very peacefully. My prayers were answered. I'll elaborate more during the next journal.

Visitations are tomorrow 2-4 and 7-9 at Kanai Funeral Home 500 Greenfield Avenue. The service will be on Friday at 9:30A.M. also at Kanai. Following the cemetary service there will be a luncheon at the Soldiers & Sailors Hall right behind CoGo's on Beechwood Blvd.

In lieu of flowers we are asking for donations to be sent to Parkvale Savings Bank 503 Greenfield Avenue, Pittsburgh, PA 15207.

Julia Caitlin Levy our angel baby

02/18/98 -- 09/10/03

Tuesday, September 9, 2003 3:04 AM CDT

The time you see here is actually wrong. It's not 3:04AM, it's closer to 4:00AM. We were all just up and I told my husband that I needed to journal to release what is inside of me.

Yesterday I went to work and Nan called me telling me to come home because she couldn't get Julia to wake up. I flew out of work and had my first real panic attack ever. As I was running to my car, I couldn't breathe. I knew I wasn't in that bad of shape. I just couldn't catch my breath. It was short lived thank goodness and I jumped in my van and called my mom and picked her up and sped home. I think I was in the house before mom even got out of the van. Julia looked pretty much the way she did the morning before so I wasn't too freaked out. I was shaking though, my trembling hands proved that. I immediately called hospice and a nurse came right over. Julia's lungs were completely filled with mucous in every lobe possible. Her Onc. was paged and Julia was given liquid Clonidine to help with the mucous, another Clonidine patch was added to her arm and she was given liquid Morphine to help with the distress she was having. Her pulse was high and her respirations were low and her face was so pale. Immediately her breathing was calm and the color was back in her face. The hospice nurse stayed about an hour or so until Julia's breathing was stable. By this time she had a few more doses of each medicine. A suction machine was later delivered and my very dear friend came over and suctioned her out for me. She commented on how beautiful Julia looked and how peaceful she looked. The day went on and Julia remained sleepy. I figured it was due to the Morphine. I did notice that her breathing had changed. She would take a long pause and then short breaths and continue this pattern. The doctor did tell us that her breathing would change and that was the sign to look for, although she said that she would take a deep breath followed by a long pause and then short breaths. I never saw the long breath. Her doctor called in a few times to check and commented on how excellent of a job I was doing with her. I told her about the breathing and she commented that Julia's brainstem was shutting down and that even though Julia was a little responsive (she would move her mouth and open her eyes a bit) that she was probably semi-comatosed. She also stated that Julia probably had a few days to a week more to live. (That really sucks reading that, I'm quite nauseous right now). She explained that the breathing would only get worse and then she would be fully comatosed. She may die tomorrow or in a few days but she didn't believe it to be longer than a week. She then expressed the importance of getting in touch with a funeral home to make arrangements. Jarrod and I were both on the phone. We hung up and Jarrod came down to the kitchen where I was and was crying asking me how were we going to tell the children. Without even thinking I called them in to the kitchen and with mom and dad both crying we explained everything to them. Jordan's eyes immediately got red but he was containing himself. Justine started yelling because we were scaring her and she kept saying that Julia wasn't going to die because she is getting better. She was pretty hysterical and then Jacob just kept asking us what was wrong. The kids told us that they didn't want Julia to die and of course we agreed with them and tried to explain how Julia will forever be in our hearts even if she wouldn't be with us anymore in body. We took the kids to bed and Justine pretty much fell right asleep. Jordan wasn't saying much and finally he cried with dad. My best friend came over and sat with Julia for a couple of hours. We talked and cried. We have been friends for 15yrs now and I told her that I never thought that 15 yrs. ago when we met that 15yrs later we would be sitting here in the situation that we are. That just wasn't in the plans. This isn't suppose to happen in parenting. I said that the biggest problems that we were to have were suppose to be the normal stuff like pregnancy and drugs. Normal huh? Not this shit!!! Anyway for some reason we all woke up together a little while ago and Jordan again told me that he didn't want Julia to die and I agreed with him. I did call some out of town relatives and let them know what was going on so if they wanted to they should come home. I really hope that we are jumping the gun but if not I think Jarrod and I are doing a good job together at keeping our family together. I keep saying that a miracle could still happen and my brother did remind me that one already has taken place because thank g-d Julia has not been in any pain thus far. To that we are truly blessed.

As Jarrod was holding Julia ready to take her upstairs to bed we just kept kissing her and loving her and reassured that we would be okay and she would be okay and if she needed to stop fighting to go ahead and do just that. We told her about who would be in heaven waiting for her and that she would forever be in our hearts and be our angel baby and be a star in the sky.

Our support system between friends, family, strangers, etc. is one that I am so very proud to have. You all have helped me so much and I thank you for that.

One day at a time, one second at a time. Life is so precious. I have learned to slow down a bit and enjoy what is around me. We are not giving up hope just facing reality a little more clearly.

Time to get a little more sleep. Good night.

A very tired mom,
Judy

Sunday, September 7, 2003 7:22 PM CDT

Today has been an up and down day. Julia woke up so full of mucous she could hardly breathe. Unfortunately, she couldn't bring it up either. She finally calmed herself down and the breathing was fine. She did this yesterday also. It is so very scary because she looks so pale. Her appetite is still not that great. Today Nan watched her for about an hour an a half while I went out with my sister and some of the kids and when I came back Jules had just finished eating her lunch (about three jars of baby food) and her eyes were as bright as could be. She looked wonderful! It was incredible how my heart got so much lighter when I saw her then compared to the morning. This roller coaster ride really needs to end!!!!!!! Tonight she threw up, that's how the mucous comes out. Her doctor called tonight to check on her because she will be out of town the next few days and she is going to order a suction machine for us. Tami (Celeste's mom) and I were just talking about that earlier today. Hopefully that will help.

Yesterday I went to a friend's house and spent the latter part of the afternoon into the evening there with some other friends. It was very nice. Distracting at times. There was a time when the emotions were flowing between myself, Amy, and even Eric (Amy busted you). It was a good feeling knowing I didn't have to hide any emotions. Amy said she often wondered what would be worse: to have someone die suddenly or to have someone go through a terrible illness. Unfortunately, I was able to answer her. Going through the terrible illness of course is Julia and 25 years ago my dad died of a massive heart attack. Never sick a day in his life and that's all it took. Up until Julia got sick, losing my dad was the hardest thing I ever encountered in my life. What I have been going through for the past 8 1/2 months changes everything. My dad's ordeal was like a piece of cake compared to this. There is nothing and I mean nothing that could possibly be worse than seeing your child be so sick and not being able to make her better. Believe me, I have had lots on my plate but nothing matches this. The constant pain a parent goes through. I live my life one day at a time and lately it's been more like one second at a time.

Thanks so much for the continued prayers and please don't forget to include all the children. G-d Bless.

G-d is Able,
Judy

Thursday, September 4, 2003 8:33 PM CDT

Here's what you have all been waiting for:

Julia's appt.......well she has lost 3 more pounds which puts her down to 26.5lbs. I asked the dr. if my baby was going to wither away and she assured me she would be fine. Now keep in mind all my kids are tiny so when Julia was first diagnosed she weighed between 32-34lbs. So it really isn't that bad. The doctor told me that I shouldn't worry about her not eating. She eats some but not a whole lot anymore. The mint chocolate chip is a thing of the past. She also said that her body may decide it doesn't need food anymore and this is the process. Without her saying what the process was, I can read between the lines. She commented as Julia was laying on the table that she looked peaceful and beautiful. She couldn't figure out how I knew if Julia was awake or not because her eyes were partially closed. She was baffled I could tell and I explained that I am her mother and I know these things. She also stated that it wasn't seizures that she was having, it was posturing or something like that and it would probably happen more frequently as time went on. Still waiting for the negative stuff? You didn't really think I'd get thru a visit without it did you??? She had asked if Julia and I communicate and I said of course. I speak to her all of the time. She wanted to know if I spoke about her tumor and I explained that I tell Julia that I know she is a fighter and she's doing a great job at fighting this. She told me it's time to tell her that she doesn't have to fight anymore. Yes that's right, she said it. She went on to say that kids fight for their parents and we need to let her know that we will be okay and she doesn't have to fight anymore. NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course I stood there and cried. The nurse came in to flush her port and it was one of the same nurses that we had when Julia had her chemo everyday for 6 wks. It was pretty awesome and the nurse was very emotional seeing Julia like this because when she initially saw her Julia was walking and talking. I cried some more. I had to take the tape off where they would flush the port and Julia flinched. It was cool to see that movement. The play therapist was in the office and came in and did handprints of Julia and when it sets they will mail it to us. That was pretty cool also. That was our day. I'm pretty tired. Emotionally, mentally, physically, any other ly there is. My prayers continue for everyone.

I did want to say a huge thank you to all who offered me kind words for the appt today. You really helped me get thru it.

Good Night,
Judy

Wednesday, September 3, 2003 8:20 PM CDT

Today Julia had alot of mucous. Tired herself out, poor baby slept alot. Aunt Jodi watched her while I went to my meeting tonight and she called asking if she should wake her because she hadn't eaten dinner. She had been sleeping a couple of hours and I told her to go ahead. I got home maybe ten minutes (give or take) and she and my husband were trying to wake her. She wouldn't awaken. They were both pretty scared. I went right over to her and started wiping her face with a cold cloth that daddy brought in and she opened her eyes a little bit. She continued to bring up more mucous and I tried to sneak in her medicine but she would choke on it and bring it right back up. She ended up falling back asleep and was very sound at this time so we put her to bed.

At the meeting someone told me that good comes after the bad. Just like having a baby, you're in alot of pain and then you're baby is born. So, if that holds true then a miracle should be right around the corner for my sweet Julia. :) We usually do hands on healing but I had a responsibility to take care of and it turned out really well for me anyway. There was supposed to be another person involved but she never showed but nonetheless I was where I needed to be at the right time.

Julia's appt with her Oncologist is tomorrow morning and I am nervous. She has to get her medi-port flushed and her regular appt. I forgot to mention in yesterdays journal that I asked the hospice nurse about the right side of Julia's face droops down a bit on occassion and her right arm gets real stiff along with her teeth clenching. He confirmed what I thought: it is more than likely seizures. They don't last long at all. Something to mention to her doctor tomorrow.

Please lord give me strength for tomorrows visit and continue to lay your hands on all these precious children and give them your healing touch.

G-d is Able and I'm so ready for it,
Judy

Tuesday, September 2, 2003 7:37 PM CDT

Julia did really well today. She had a very good appetite for her Aunt Sandi. Her eyes were real bright. She seemed to be really good. Thank G-d. We take anything we can get you know.

The Hospice nurse came today and examined her. He stated her lungs were good, no pneumonia. We already knew that. Then he said that she was holding her own. I'm not sure I liked that comment. I just can't wait for the day when my baby girl shows them all! Justine had a dream that her little sister was walking last night. So many people have been having these dreams. I hope that means something good will happen soon. :)

As I am sitting here summarizing my day and without going into detail I know that I have touched two people's lives. Total strangers. It is pretty awesome. Both coming into my life for different reasons. They both touched my heart as much as I hope I touched theirs.

Today was the first day of school and Jordan and Justine got through it!!!! The homework already begun!!

Please continue to pray for all my friends as I will continue to pray for all of you. I will be updating the photos soon so please be sure to take a peek.

G-d is Able,
Judy

Sunday, August 31, 2003 8:29 PM CDT

A few days ago my very dear friend Mary gave us three chrysalis's. The first one hatched and I wasn't home to see it. The second one hatched and the kids were able to hold this beautiful butterfly. My three year old kept saying how beautiful it was. I even put it on Julia's hand for a little bit. I took it outside and put it on a bush so it could walk around a little and then fly away. Of course I kept checking on it and picking it up. Whenever I tried to give it to someone else it would stay on me. I named it Julia. It would open its wings and be a little shaky. Well, it was time to go to bed so I figured it would be gone by morning. To my surprise Julia was still on the bush. I held it some more and was just amazed at the fact that I was able to hold a butterfly. We went to church and when we came home it was still on the bush. I went over to it and knelt down and touched it and away she went. So beautiful as she flew away. It felt pretty symbolic the way it hung around and waited until I got back and then left. We have one more to hatch.

Julia is still pretty much the same. I have noticed that she can smile with her eyes. It lights up my heart. I spoke with Dr. John today and we are cutting down her Protocel to 1/4 three times a day. Hopefully less will be better in this case. We will add new medicine in a little while. He is still positive in his thinking and believes she will have grandkids some day. G-d willing! G-d willing!

Tomorrow we are going to a b-day party and so many people can't wait to see Julia. I hope it turns out to be a great time.

G-d is Able,
Judy

Friday, August 29, 2003 6:52 PM CDT

How awesome!!!!!! Over 10,000 people have checked out this site. That's incredible!!!

Julia looked real good today. Her face was shiny and her eyes were open bright. She just looked so beautiful.

She's had alot of mucous still. It really wears her out with all the coughing. Her lungs are completely clear.

I've got to give her Protocel now.

Prayers to all who have touched my life.

G-d is Able,
Judy

Thursday, August 28, 2003 11:24 AM CDT

We went to Hands on Healing last night. People commented as to how well Julia looked to them. How she looked more alert then last week. I guess seeing her everyday I don't notice things like other people do. My youngest Jacob was even annointed. It was so touching. Celeste and her family were there. I am so glad that they are part of my life.

Julia is doing okay. Still the same which is a good thing. Of course I'd like to see more but I'll be patient. She has had alot of mucous coming out since yesterday and I learned that it is a form of lysing which is awesome.

Aunt Sandi made it in yesterday and is very happy to be hear with all the kids. Aunt Mamie should be here next Tuesday.

As for me, I'm not really sure. I describe myself as standing on the middle of a seesaw and trying to balance myself there and it is definitely an exhausting experience. I'm taking it one second at a time.

I just want to send out a major thank you to all who have entered my life. Each and everyone of you have given me so much. I really appreciate all of you!!!!

Please continue our prayers for all the children

G-d is Able,
Judy

Tuesday, August 26, 2003 7:03 PM CDT

Hi.

Things are pretty much the same today. Don't feel much like journaling.

Judy

Sunday, August 24, 2003 8:04 PM CDT

Julia seemed to do a bit better today. Didn't sleep as much as yesterday and ate a little bit better. She is still just laying around. I have been having such a difficult time these last few days. Just crying and crying. My husband's one sister Aunt Sandi who hasn't been here since early on is coming on Wednesday and Aunt Mame is coming back Sept. 2. Both with a one-way ticket. They will never leave because Julia will never leave. :)

I really don't have much more to say tonight. G-d Bless.

Prayers to everyone.
Judy - (emotionally exhausted mom)

Saturday, August 23, 2003 7:12 PM CDT

Hi everyone,

Today we went to a picnic with the church. It was very nice and I'm pretty sure Julia enjoyed herself. Even if all she did was sit in her wheelchair. The breeze was beautiful as well as the scenery.

She's still pretty much the same. I've been having a tough time yesterday and today. It just plain sucks to not be able to make my child better. I cried alot yesterday and today I've just been pretty down. I was talking to the Pastor from the church at the picnic and I told him as well as I've told other people that I always pray to G-d that I hand over Julia to him and if he is going to make her better please do it now and if he is going to take her please do it now. I feel that even though Jules is not in any pain, she is still suffering and as a parent that is a very difficult thing to watch your child go through. I'm at peace with how I feel. I have to be, I don't want to lose sight of reality but I always don't want to be swept away with nothing but optimism. I hope that makes sense. My sister was holding Julia on the couch and Jarrod and I were in the other room and she called us in to see something. When Aunt Jodi would rub Julia's lip her whole mouth would move and she would start making all kinds of noises like she was trying to talk. I had to go in the other room and I was hysterical. Julia (I believe) was telling me to quit paying attention to what everyone is saying and concentrate on just her. I am so glad I have her. She is a fighter and I keep telling her that.

Please continue to say prayers for Celeste, Cheyenne, Nolan, and all the kids that are battling these tumors.

G-d is Able,
Judy

Thursday, August 21, 2003 10:12 PM CDT

Yesterday marked 8mths since Julia was diagnosed. Wow! Today she was okay. Not much change from yesterday. She had her appt this morning and I told the dr. not to talk about J*E*S*U*S (I had to spell it out) because it has upset her in the past and I'm not willing to go through this again. She didn't mention a word. She did however state that Julia may have facial paralysis and that is why she is not smiling and why it sometimes seems like she has lockjaw. I asked her if she still only gives her 8wks since today marks 4wks since she told us and she said that since her breathing was still good it is hard to tell but she couldn't see her lasting past 6wks. The way I looked at it was is that she added on an additional two weeks. My husband didn't quite see that at first. He was pretty upset. She wanted to raise the dosage of her Clonidine because I stated that she gets frustrated because she can't talk and walk. I'm not about to raise it since it would sedate her more than what she is now. She is still very much alert and with it. My brother and nephew made it in last night and today I just watched them with Julia. My sister and her kids were over and along with my other brother and his kids. It was very nice to have everyone here but at the same time it hurt looking around and seeing everyone having fun and my daughter just laying there. She is not ready to stop fighting and neither am I. I just wish I could feel more positive. I am very positive but when I look at her I hurt so much.

Prayers to sweet Celeste and all our website friends.

Good Night,
Judy

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 9:29 PM CDT

Julia had an okay day. I called the Hospice nurse to get a new wheelchair. I'm not satisfied with this one at all. It's way to big. He said he would take care of it so I'll call him tomorrow to make sure.

Julia has another appt. tomorrow with the Oncologist. I'm just going to tell her not to mention anything about Jesus. Just talk medical and that's it.

We went to Hands on Healing tonight. Celeste and her family made it. I was so happy to see them. It was a nice evening. Celeste looked at Julia a couple of times but that was it. Her little brother had fun playing with my boys. My sister and mother-in-law met Celeste and couldn't stop saying how beautiful she was, especially when she smiles. Her parents are wonderful people.

We are anxiously awaiting the arrival of my brother and his oldest child. They should be here any minute. I will update after Julia's appt.

May G-d hear and answer all of our prayers.

G-d is Able,
Judy

Tuesday, August 19, 2003 7:54 PM CDT

In case I haven't mentioned it recently, I have some very wonderful people in my life. Your entries do so much for me. So many people have entered our lives since Julia was diagnosed and we are so fortunate to them. It's such a wonderful feeling to know how many people support us and very awesome to know that alot of this support comes from people that we don't even know. Once again I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I love you.

On to Julia, we just came back from a walk with Grandma and PaPa. She seemed to like it. It was a beautiful night for it, with the exception of the mosquito bites some of us got. Julia and I had a heart to heart talk today and I hope she believed what I told her. I feel like she did. She is my fighter and my trooper.

Gotta get Jacob an ice cream cone now. Prayers to everyone. Celeste had an MRI and it showed that the tumor is shrinking!!! Yeah!!!!!!

G-d is Able,
Judy

Monday, August 18, 2003 6:46 PM CDT

Julia got her wheelchair today. I kept thinking how great it would be to get it and have her sit in it and feed her and when I saw it my stomach flipped. Not because of how it looked, just because it was in my house. We ended up taking Julia next door and we all had dinner there. So that was her first outing in it. Her siblings think it's pretty cool. Jacob (3) said that his leg hurt and he needed to sit in it. :)

Hospice came by and we were talking about how Julia hasn't smiled since Thursday and how sometimes she seems like she has lockjaw because she won't open her mouth and the nurse stated that that is what happens when the central nervous system is effected. I asked him if it would get better and he stated it would not. How horrible to think that I would never see my baby smile again. He left shortly after that and I went to my sister's to vent and cry. When we came back later I was talking to Julia about her Uncle Allan (better known as ("the big burper) coming to visit on Wednesday and Julia ("the lil burper) will show him that she has taken over the name of "the big burper" and you know what she did? She smiled at me! Why the heck do I listen to professionals? It melted my heart.

Thank you all for the positive words. I love you all. Prayers to everyone.

G-d is Able,
Judy

Sunday, August 17, 2003 8:39 PM CDT

We were at church today and the Pastor mentioned about coming over to the house and basically ridding it of any satanic vibes. He told us a story about a boy who was very ill and they couldn't figure out why and when he went to the hospital he suddenly got better and when he got back home he would get sick again and when he went back to the hospital he would be okay. They couldn't understand what was happening. The dad sat on the son's bed at home and asked G-d to please lead him to what he needed to do. G-d told him to look to the left and on the Snoopy bedspread was a sticker of a skull and bones. Very satanic so G-d told him to burn it and he did and the son never got sick again. So what do we have to lose right? I will go to any extent to do what I can to help Julia.

I spoke to Dr. John last night and he couldn't believe what the dr. had been saying to Julia about if she sees Jesus. He told me to tell her when she asks that again that yes, Julia has seen him and he told her that she would have grandchildren. How do you think she would react? I'm looking forward to it. :)

Julia has been doing good over the weekend. She was swallowing good and she's been moving her arms real well. I told Dr. John that I think she has been sad because of what the dr. said to her so with his advice we have been saying that "Dr. John said she is doing great" while we are in the next room and she can hear so she will start to believe it and feel better.

Prayers to all the sweet children. Strength to all the parents.

G-d is Able,
Judy

Saturday, August 16, 2003 8:00 PM CDT

Julia has been going in the pool the last couple of days for a couple minutes. We hold her and just walk around with her. She seems to like it. I'm glad. She's been a little upset the last couple of days. I'm guessing it was due to the Oncologist appt on Thursday. Hopefully she'll get over it quickly. I gave her a bubble bath today but she indicated that Aunt Mamie did a better job. Aunt Mamie went back to Georgia the other day. I have lots of practicing to do. :) She wouldn't eat real well for me tonight. Nana stopped over and she's feeding her now and of course Julia is eating for her.

Prayers to all. G-d Bless.

G-d is Able,
Judy

Thursday, August 14, 2003 9:46 PM CDT

Julia had her appt today. She gained over 5lbs. in two weeks. The Decadron is really working. We lowered it to twice a day instead of three times a day. We go back next week so we'll see how well she does on that. She is going to get a wheelchair tomorrow with a head support so we can feed her better. I think the dr. expected her to be worse off than what she is. So sorry to have busted her bubble. I know I baffled her a little with some of my responses. Jarrod had taken Julia to the bathroom and the dr. asked me if we had made funeral arrangements yet. I told her no because it wasn't necessary at this time and she advised that we do it because then all we would have to do is grieve when she passes. The way I see it, my daughter will be burying me not the other way around. Julia's daddy is at a better place right now as far as acceptance to what Julia has. Which is very wonderful. We are still connected and taking one day at a time.

G-d is Able,
Judy

Wednesday, August 13, 2003 5:23 PM CDT

Yesterday Jarrod and I got to spend an hour together with no one else around. Julia was taken to a Butterfly show and the other kids were at their aunt's house. First outing in awhile for Julia. Jarrod and I had a chance to reconnect. We talked, listened, and cried. It's so important to keep connected and it's so easy to lose that with everything going on.

Julia is still showing daily improvements. Nodding her head, trying to speak. She has a lot of congestion and Nana realized that it is from the milk from the mint chocolate chip ice cream. So Julia knows we have to cut down on that. We'll see if that works. Julia has an appt. with the Oncologist tomorrow afternoon at 3:30. Hopefully it will be very quick. In and out. It's not like she has anything to offer us. Tomorrow marks three weeks since Julia's MRI. I keep thinking of the dr. saying that she has 3-8wks left. Boy is she wrong!!!!!!!

I have read different childrens sites and I would like everyone to say extra prayers for these sweet innocent children that are effecting by these tumors.

G-d is Able,
Judy

Tuesday, August 12, 2003 2:00 PM CDT

Our night out was very nice. We went to see a comedian and I laughed alot and it felt really good.

Julia has been doing okay. She nodded her head a few times yesterday which was a bonus. She's still very high spirited and when she finds something funny she lets out a nice giggle.

We've had lots of help lately and it's been nice and sometimes overwhelming, but the love that is shown is priceless. Thank you everyone.

Please continue to keep Julia and Celeste in your prayers. My prayers continue to go out to all and especially Craig and Julie who recently lost their little boy.

G-d Bless,
Judy

Friday, August 8, 2003 8:09 PM CDT

Today Nana said Julia did magnificently. She had a really good day. Lots of smiles and giggles. She's now eating ice cream with her Aunt Jodi and enjoying it. I think she's on her third bowl right now.

I am okay. I am at a good place right now. Julia's dad isn't quite there. He is having a very tough time. Stress level is way too high. Please add extra prayers for him.

We are taking a night to ourselves tomorrow night. There's two other couples going with us. It will be nice.

She is sleeping now. That won't last throughout the night. I think I got some sleep last night but I'm not sure. :)

Thanks for all the support. You all hold a special place in our hearts.

My prayer for today: Please dear lord continue to make Julia have good days and continue to do the same with sweet Celeste.

Judy

Thursday, August 7, 2003 6:38 PM CDT

Today wasn't too bad of a day. My child can definitely consume mint chocolate chip ice cream like nobody's business. :)

She was treated like a princess that she is today with a bubble bath and having Aunt Mame brush her hair while Grandma scratched her back and while she laid comfortably on Lisa. I was jealous. :)

I was told to continue keeping the faith and I plan on it.

Please view photos. My girlfriend put together some new ones. (Thanks Mary).

G-d is able,
Judy

Wednesday, August 6, 2003 9:56 PM CDT

We went to the Hands on Healing tonight and it was emotional as usual. There were some positive vibes going on there from some very special people and it felt good.

Now at home Julia has been eating bowl after bowl of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream and she looks great! As a mentioned earlier I didn't get my morning smile, now I'm getting giggles!!! Maybe the hands on helped her. It's wonderful to see her smile.

She's whining for me so thanks for the continuous prayers and I am very blessed to have a wonderful family and wonderful people in my life who show such support. It means alot especially coming from people that don't even know us.

G-d is able,
Judy

Dear Lord,
Please heal Julia and Celeste and keep them around for a long, long time to touch even more people's lives. Amen.

Wednesday, August 6, 2003 1:19 PM CDT

Julia has been a real ice cream kick lately. Mint chocolate chip to be exact. Doesn't matter whether it's morning, afternoon, evening, or middle of the night, when she wants it she wants it.

I didn't get my morning smile from her today before I left for work and that really upset me. I haven't seen her yet since I've been home. I'm going to go over my sister's house for a breather and it's easier if she doesn't see me so she doesn't cry.

We are going to Hands on Healing tonight. I'm looking forward to it. I was asked today by the Hospice social worker how am I able to handle everything. What a question. In my eyes this is what my life entails right now and I have to do what I have to do to get through the day and continue to care for all my children.

Everyone's prayers are so supportive. I value them so much. My goal again is to walk side by side with Julia into the Oncologist office and hand her the bottle of Protocel and let her know that that is what saved her life. It's a lot easier to be positive then negative. I see how my husband and I are with him being more on the negative side. I've reached a place within my heart and I pray I can stay there.

Please continue to pray for sweet Celeste.

Judy

Monday, August 4, 2003 8:56 PM CDT

We are having a rough time right now. Julia hasn't stopped crying for a while and we have been taking turns holding her and sitting with her. We feel so helpless not knowing what is wrong.

A nurse from Hospice came today and it shook Julia up. She cried for a while. This really sucks!

G-d willing tomorrow will be a better day. Thanks again for all the prayers.

Judy

Saturday, August 2, 2003 11:52 AM CDT

Hi Everyone,

It's Saturday afternoon and life is okay. Let's see. Julia has been on the Paw Paw since Wed. and so far so good. She has been pretty stable, no better, no worse. At times she is perkier than others but I always get my smiles when I ask for them. On Wednsday, someone from Hospice came over and reviewed things with us. There will be two nurses assigned to Julia and the first one will come on Monday. I don't think I'm going to continue it after that because it's not really necessary at this time. On Thursday we went to the Oncologist for a follow up appt to get scripts for medications to have on hand if G-d forbid we need them like pain meds and other stuff. I also got a script that the dr. wrote "Do Not Resuscitate". Pretty much threw me for a loop. I'll never use it though. That appt was about the most morbid encounter I've ever had. She basically was writing my daughter off.

Yesterday we went for a follow up to the Radiation Oncologist who stated that Julia did not have any increased pressure by looking in her eye. Also he stated that when the MRI was read the person who read it couldn't be positive that it was tumor growth vs. post radiation swelling.

Today Julia is okay. I spoke with Dr. John who gave me positive feedback so today is a good day. To all of you concerned with my well being: Julia went out with her dad for a little bit so I went swimming by myself for a little bit. I'm pretty relaxed right now and feel good.

Keep praying for us. I had someone tell me to walk by faith not by sight. I'm using that everyday.

G-d Bless and G-d is Able,
Judy

Please say extra prayers for Celeste, a 4yr old who I had the pleasure of meeting yesterday with the same dx as Julia.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003 8:48 AM CDT

I got a call from the Oncologist today who wanted to make sure that Hospice called me and that they are going to come out and visit tomorrow afternoon. I figured it would be okay since Julia is okay now and they need to do the consultation anyway. It's going to be a waste of time but that's okay. I figure they will meet Julia and be blessed by her like everyone else is. She also wants to see her this Thursday to give me medicine to have on hand. Like Valium, and other pain medications. She also stated that when her quality of life starts to change she will stop the Decadron. She doesn't want me to have to worry about getting meds when and if (that's what she said) she will need it. Whatever!! I am so confident that my baby is going to make it. I can't wait until we walk side by side into the drs. office and I can tell her that she is alive due to Protocel! Julia is a fighter and she's not going to give up. I don't want anyone to think I am in denial because I'm not. I know what the statistics are. Yesterday the dr. told me she has 3-8wks left. Can you fault me for having faith??

Thanks to all the supportive people in our lives. You're touch is a blessing. My prayers continue to go out to everyone in our Protocel family.

G-d Bless,
Judy

Monday, July 28, 2003 4:27 PM CDT

I spoke with the Oncologist today and Julia will not be having the shunt or the ventriculostomy. They would only do it if she was going to have chemo and we have decided against that. She also said that her symptoms were not severe enough to put her through an operation like that. I feel very relieved and very much at peace.

I am not giving up on Protocel. Pretty soon we will start Paw Paw and hopefully see good results. Julia is still very high spirited and very determined. She is out with her dad now so I am going to sneak a well needed nap.

G-d Bless,
Judy

Saturday, July 26, 2003 2:35 PM CDT

We saw the Oncologist on the 24th and she didn't like how Julia looked. She was very limp. She had lost 1 1/2lbs. in 3 mths. Julia can't afford to do that. She now weighs 30.5lbs. I can't remember a whole lot about the visit right now. We went back after the MRI.

The MRI took place about 2:50P.M. right on schedule. They tried to do it without sedation since Julia was so limp. That didn't last because she was crying and they could tell she was scared. She wasn't completely sedated just a little. As she was on the table she told me that she wanted to go home. Mind you, Julia hasn't been able to speak in a couple of weeks. I sat in the room with her while the test was being done. I told Julia that I would fall asleep because I always do. I took little cat naps. The test was about 40min. I heard "Mummy" and woke up thinking my 3 yr old wanted me and realized where I was and I looked in at Julia and she was crying. When the test was over (4 min later) I asked her if she called me and she shook her head yes. What a blessing to hear my sweet childs voice.

We went back to the Onc. office and they had to reaccess her again because they wanted to give her IV fluids since she was probably dehydrated. I was a bit upset because they could have called over to the hospital and told them not to deaccess her. Anyway, they didn't do the fluids because as the Nurse Practioner stated that the Onc. may want her to go to the hospital. My throat was in my stomach. They gave her 10mg of Decadron (steroid). We went in the hallway and looked at the pictures of the MRI. According to the dr. the tumor had regrown and rapidly at that. You could see what she said was tumor growth everywhere. I couldn't be convinced that it wasn't the Protocel working. The dr. couldn't state for sure that it wasn't the tumor breaking up even though she knows nothing about Julia taking the Protocel.

The dr. then told us that we could have a VP shunt put in to help drain the fluid since there was alot around the brain and there was so much swelling there the fluid had no place to go. The tumor was going into the spinal column. We later learned about a less invasive procedure called a Ventriculostomy where they make a hole above the tumor for drainage. We were also told about another experimental round of chemotherapy.

Here's the numbers: if we do nothing Julia would live 1-2 weeks. Just using the Decadron would give her 3-6wks. and the procedures would give her a couple of mths but the chemo is recommended with the procedure. If we don't decide to do the chemo the procedure isn't really something that we should do. We are pretty confused. We have spoken to Tony and Dr. John and we have to call the dr. back on Monday and give her our decision.

That's basically about it except that we are not accepting this. Call it denial, but I have faith in the Protocel and we're not ready to throw in the towel.

If G-d is Able, I'd really like to see it now!!!!!!!!

Judy

Friday, July 25, 2003 10:21 PM CDT

I know there are many people wondering what the results of the MRI showed. It's not good news at all. I don't have the strength right now to elaborate but I appreciate the prayers.

Thank you,
Judy

Wednesday, July 23, 2003 7:38 AM CDT

I just realized that reading the guestbook entries is probably not the best thing for me to do when I am at work. :) I am so touched by so many people and like someone stated that even strangers have become a part of this, I am just so overwhelmed with support. I am very grateful to all!!!!

I am very nervous about tomorrow. Not so much for the results but because it is at 2:50 in the afternoon and Julia won't be able to eat, she will only be allowed clear liquids up until 2 hours prior and the way my daughter eats I'm pretty pissed. Other than that, I am expecting the MRI to show that Protocel has been working. It's kind of weird because no matter what the results, the outcome is still the same. We won't do any other treatments. I'm not telling the dr. anything about the Protocel, Apis Mellifica, or the Boswellia. Not yet anyway.

Must try and do some work. Please, please, please say extra prayers tonight.

G-d is Able,
Judy

Again, thank you for all the support!!!!!! My prayers continue to go out to everyone.

Monday, July 21, 2003 10:47 AM CDT

This weekend was very exhausting for me. I am having a real difficult time with my emotions right now. I feel totally emotionally drained. I was having physical ailments due to the stress I am enduring. The MRI is in 3 days and I'm very nervous.

Julia is still so high spirited. It doesn't seem like anything is phasing her. My little trooper!!

My support has been wonderful and I'm very greatful. I just wish I could breathe. My trust in faith is being questioned right now and I understand that what I am feeling is normal. Some of you can totally relate.

I haven't stopped praying and am asking that all of you please continue to pray. Please add little Celeste in your prayers also. We haven't met her yet but she has a brain tumor also. I have spoken with her dad and we are going to meet once Julia feels a little better.

G-d is Able and I am impatiently waiting.

Judy

Saturday, July 19, 2003 12:09 AM CDT

Julia had a better afternoon yesterday. Her eyes were glowing and she just looked a lot better. My mom-in-law (Nana) who is our caregiver was with her yesterday and stated she had some lysing going on. She was bringing up alot of mucous and itching the back of her head like crazy. Good sign!!!

This morning I don't think she's doing as well. I wish this would end and she would be back to Julia again. She is still very high spirited and I am thankful for that. She tried to walk today and wasn't very successful at it. Which has been the case for the past few days although the other day she tried to climb up my legs (with a little help from Aunt Jodi) so she could do her backward flip. Go figure!! My babe is a determined trooper.

Dad and I are pretty stressed out. Even though we are both working, Julia has consumed every ounce of us and recently it has started to effect us both. We have noticed the distance between us and it's hard. I'm sure some of you know what we are feeling who are going through the same thing. What a difficult time! My belief in prayers has increased so I ask you all to continue to pray for Julia and us and I as always, will continue to pray for you.

Thanks,
Judy

Thursday, July 17, 2003 8:36 PM CDT

Today Julia wasn't too bad. Pretty much the same. It's amazing though because her spirits are so high no matter how she is on the outside. Unfortunately mom wasn't that great today. My stress level was about sky high. Everyone knows how it is, some days are good and some just stink. Well, today just stunk. I have wonderful support but it's just my inner feelings and I have to let it happen. I had a friend who sent me a beatiful "cheer me up" card via email and another friend who sent me beautiful "cheer me up" flowers. Like I stated, my support system is wonderful. I had my friend tell me that I hide my feelings pretty well. She couldn't tell how down I was on the phone. Sometimes I just like to keep to myself. This sounds pretty down but I write what I feel. G-d Bless everyone.

Judy

G-d is Able. Show your work!!!!

Wednesday, July 16, 2003 8:47 PM CDT

We went to see Dr. John yesterday. We left the house at 9am and returned at 7pm. He is a very nice gentleman and adjusted Julia's dosage on the Protocel and also added Boswellia for her edema. She was pretty shy and whiny while we were there. Dr. John continued to have positive things to say which was very nice to hear. Julia is still not talking and is not walking without assistance but she's doing okay. Her Aunt Jodi came in last night and that was a prayer of mine that had been answered. We spent a good portion of the afternoon unloading her truck and getting her moved in. My kids are totally ecstatic and can't wait until their cousins come in to town in two weeks. Thank you all for the continuous prayers. G-d bless!

Judy

Sunday, July 13, 2003 8:30 PM CDT

Today was not a real good day. Julia barely walked, barely talked, and had trouble keeping her head up. It's so darn frustrating! Her spirits were still high so that was a good thing. I gave her an additional Apis Mel at night. Hopefully that will work. Jarrod and I are pretty stressed and of course who better to take it out it on than each other. We just keep praying and praying. Another exhausting day.

Saturday, July 12, 2003 6:50 PM CDT

Today wasn't one of the better days. Julia's speech today was very poor and her balance was pretty unsteady. Although it did not seem to effect her appetite as she was constantly eating (in between drooling). It was a little exhausting. She wouldn't let me out of her sight for a second. Her Grandma and Papa came over and I snuck upstairs for a shower and Grandma had her in the bathroom with me before my shower was done. She then told me (in her own way) that I wasn't allowed to put make-up on or dry my hair. That was her way of telling me I wasn't leaving the house. :) Needless to say I didn't go anywhere.

Yesterday she spent the day with Daddy because as she made it quite clear that when Mommy is working she spends the day with Daddy. He tried to get her to go to work with her today and that was a no go since Mommy was home.

We're keeping our chins up and continuing to pray. We lowered the Apis Mellifica to one a day per Dr. John. We are going to see him on Tuesday the 15th. For those that don't know, he is a Doctor of Naturopathy who also is connected with the Protocel.

Prayers to all our Protocel family.

G-d is Able,
Judy

Thursday, July 10, 2003 6:33 PM CDT

Julia had another good day today. I spoke with someone today who gave me some positive feedback. It was pretty awesome. Granted, only G-d knows what will happen but I'll take positive feedback anytime! Julia is very happy that Daddy is here and she was spending time with him.

I got a place for my sister to live which is very exciting. If all goes well, she should be here next Wednesday. I've been waiting to have my twin living in the same city as me for a long time now.

I feel very blessed.

My two favorite sayings:

One day at a time
G-d is Able

Prayers to all

Judy

Wednesday, July 9, 2003 7:24 PM CDT

Julia is doing good today. I'm happy to say that so am I. I always said that when she is good then I'm good. Jarrod was suppose to go to Utah this morning to help my sister get ready to move here and after she read my entry she called him and told him that his place was at home with Julia. She was able to get other people lined up to help and I'm hoping to get her a job when she gets here. She called me at work to tell me that good things happen in three so I better find her a place to live. (I've been looking unsuccessfully for a while now). My husband and I went to look at a house tonight for her and the last good thing happened. She now has a place to move into when she gets here next week. How awesome the way G-d works. 15 more days until Julia's MRI. By the way, when Jules found out that dad wasn't leaving she was cheezing from ear to ear.

G-d is Able. Prayers to all

Judy

Tuesday, July 8, 2003 7:04 PM CDT

Last night was probably the scariest night we have had in awhile. Julia had so much regression. We were so scared. She couldn't even walk yesterday and she couldn't even hold her head up. She'd be looking at you and then it seemed like she was looking through you. It was very painful. I started her on Apis Mellifica after speaking to Bonita (thank you) and she took it with no problem. I did some heavy praying last night. My husband is due to go out of town tomorrow and at this point was too afraid to go.

This morning Julia woke up and walked into my room. She was walking!! Her speech was definitely better then yesterday but still not back to normal yet. She was laughing, smiling, being her old self. Wow!! Here it is evening and she is still great! G-d is able!

Prayers to all
Judy

Sunday, July 6, 2003 9:19 PM CDT

I just needed to add this quick entry. I just got off the phone with Tony Bell and he reassured me that Julia is heading in the right direction and we shouldn't worry about what she is experiencing. For what it is worth, I'll take that to the bank!

G-d is Able. Good night.

Sunday, July 6, 2003 5:50 PM CDT

People always say to keep the faith, and g-d is able, and hand it over to g-d, and many other sayings. It is so hard to do that when something happens and it is hard to believe in such a higher power. Well today we went to church and the Pastor had asked us how Julia was doing. I guess Jarrod and I both had tears in our eyes and stated she was having some troubles. The Pastor asked us to bring Julia to the front so we could be annointed and he said some beautiful prayers for us. It was such a heartfelt time to have everyone praying for Julia and us. There were people crying all around us. I ended up having to take Julia out of the service because she was crying so much. People kept coming out and asking if she was in pain and she wasn't, she just I think was crying because we all were. I walked away feeling lighter. G-d is able, I believe that. Please say some extra prayers for Julia.

Saturday, July 5, 2003 8:03 PM CDT

This is for people that will want to call me to make sure I'm okay, I am I just need to write out my feelings. Please don't call me in regard to this. I AM OKAY.


You know I wake up every morning and look at Julia waiting for her to wake up so I can look at her face to see if she smiles or to listen to her voice to see how her speech is. It's just so difficult to go through this. It's not fair for my baby to be having to go through this. I don't know when it's going to end but I am fighting for that miracle to keep my Julia here with us. To see her be able to carry on like a five year old should with no worries is all I want. The pain is so real. I just thank g-d that she isn't aware of the depths of everything that is going on. Only because she is five and doesn't have a grasp on life. She's so innocent. Dear G-d, please heal my daughter and take the tumor away. Please continue to give me the strength I need.

Thursday, July 3, 2003 8:13 PM CDT

Last night we went to my husband's uncle's church where they performed hands on healing. As usual, it was pretty emotional. I've been feeling pretty exhausted lately. I didn't realize that emotional fatigue could hit so hard. I've still been able to go to work and deal with my everyday life but I feel like a ton of bricks are tied to me just pulling me backward. I learned that one of the sweet children in the Protocel site has passed away and it hurts just like if it were my own. I was given to read a passage about G-d gives what you can handle. I have argued that statement for awhile now. Those of you who know me know what I have been thru and I just can't believe that I have room to take on more. Enough is enough. People think I am very strong but I don't view myself as that. I am just living my life through the rough roads, but it's still mine. G-d Bless everyone and kisses to all the sweet babies. I do believe that prayer is a powerful thing and I will continue to pray for all of us.

Tuesday, July 1, 2003 6:11 PM CDT

I try so hard not too ask why. That's not a real easy thing to do. I look at my sweet, innocent child and can't figure out why this has happened. I know I'm not supposed to ask why but it's kind of hard not to. Julia is okay today. Still having alot of the same symptoms but again, her spirits continue to be high. She is such a trooper. Mom's spirits on the other hand leave alot to be desired. Someone said yesterday that they wish they could be a kid again. I sure wish that!!! But I am an adult and am very proud of my four children and wouldn't change a thing. (almost). It's time for "Swiper Juice" which isn't exactly Julia's most favorite time. Have a good evening.

Dear G-d,
Please listen to our prayers and keep looking over all of us. Amen

Monday, June 30, 2003 5:13 PM CDT

Julia had her three month followup today at the Opthalmologist. Her vision is great. She still has intermittent episodes where her left eye crosses but it's not that bad. It was also noted that her eyes jump a bit which could be due to fatigue. So at her next visit in 3 mths. it is in the morning so hopefully that will make a difference. Julia is still showing signs of "tumor behavior". We're still crossing our fingers that it's just the Protocel. Right now she's playing with her baby brother and having a fun time awaiting mom to get ready to go watch her older brother and sister play baseball. Rest? Is there such a thing?????

Friday, June 27, 2003 11:38 AM CDT

The last few days have been so satisfying for us. We were put in touch with a family whose little girl has the same dx as Julia although her prognosis is not as long as one would hope. They also live in PA. We spoke with them about the Protocel and my favorite part is that I had an unopen bottle and told them that I would let them have it because I didn't want them to lose out on any time. It was my favorite part because I was finally able to do something for someone else and I had missed that. I really had to become accustomed to people doing for me. Please add extra, extra prayers for little Celeste.

Julia is still showing the same signs, speech is slower, drooling, unstableness but her spirits are so high. She didn't even cry today when I left for work! That doesn't say what she did yesterday :) Jarrod (dad) is doing a little better. Julia has been spending more time with him. Life is good for today. G-d is good. Please continue the prayers and my prayers are continued for everyone.

Judy

Monday, June 23, 2003 8:10 PM CDT

Well, I tried to move Julia's MRI up but I didn't have any luck. I look at it like this, there is a reason for it just like anything else. By the time July 24 comes around Julia will be on Protocel for 13 1/2 wks so hopefully that will give a better picture. She didn't have too bad of a day today. Dad did, he's having a rough time so I ask for extra prayers for him. He's reaching out to the right people so he'll do okay. I just dread having to wait another month for the MRI. Nerves are already shot. Julia told her dad that since I was not home she would hang out with him today :). They had a great day together. She and her little brother are sound asleep on the couch together. What a beautiful sight. The older two are outside playing. Thanks to all for the strong prayers and please keep them coming.

G-d Bless

Sunday, June 22, 2003 6:30 PM CDT

Today was Julia's little brother Jacob's third birthday. Everyone had a busy day, but it was well worth it. Julia threw a fit this morning when I went by myself to pick up the cake. She cried the whole 15 min (if that) that I was gone. I wish I knew what was going on in her little mind. She went out with her dad tonight and had no problem leaving me. :) I guess sometimes she needs mom more than dad. At least dad is a little better at handling it. Neither one of us is emotionally doing too well. It is so hard to see tumor-like symptoms show their ugly presence. It is also very hard to concentrate that it may just be the med that she is on doing this but the truth is, is that we really don't know and that is the hardest thing. We are very blessed and know we will continue to be so. Thanks for all the prayers. G-d Bless.

Saturday, June 21, 2003 11:02 AM CDT

I can't express the feeling I have from all the support and prayers we have been getting. It is such an awesome feeling. Julia seems to be a little better this morning. The best is first thing in the morning seeing that beautiful smile come across her face. I remember at the beginning thinking I would never see that smile again. We definitely have been blessed. It's just so hard to see those little setbacks as many of you know. But we are not giving up! I asked Julia yesterday if she realized that she was drooling again and she told me yeah, so I asked if she felt any different and her response was no. So we pray it's just the medicine doing what it is suppose to do. I received a message from the drs. office yesterday that her next MRI is scheduled for July 24. I thought it was going to be earlier in the month so I'll call on Monday. I'm very nervous. Again, thank you all. You have truly touched our hearts.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003 9:00 PM CDT

Tonight we went to my husband's uncle's church where they perform "hands on healing". It is always a moving experience but tonight the tears were flowing pretty freely. It's so hard to watch a child who should be having absolutely no problems, stumble when she walks, listen to her words coming out slower, seeing her taking baby steps backwards. I keep reassuring myself and Julia's dad that it could be just the Protocel but the hardest part is that we just don't know for sure. It was definitely one heck of a rollercoaster ride. G-d has given me the courage and strength I need to get through each day and believe me I am very grateful. Please keep your prayers coming. My prayers continuously go out to everyone.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003 10:20 AM CDT

The night before last Julia asked me what her Uncle Allan did with the toy he took away at X-mas time. Mind you, I hadn't a clue as to what she was talking about and even more I didn't think she knew! Keep in mind she was dx 12/20/02 so in my mind there was no way she could remember anything from that time. All I remember is going back and forth to the hospital 5 days a week for chemo and radiation. Anyway I asked her to tell me more about it and she said that Uncle Allan took a toy and put it in a bag. I told her that I would call Uncle Allan and find out and she told me not to do that, to just forget about it. Even though I was quite curious I respected her and didn't place the phone call. Guess who called me last night? Uncle Allan. :) At first he had no recollection and then he remembered that one of the kids received the game Operation (where you operate on the body and the brain) well, my sis-in-law saw it and didn't want the kids to have it so asked my brother to pass it to her and that is what Julia remembers. I brought it up to her this morning so I could tell her what game and was and she had no memory of asking me about it. I thought it was all pretty awesome! She's doing great. Her dad and I are seeing things that we hope is from the Protocel and not the tumor. Like, her speech is at times alot slower, and her balance is a bit off. It's scary but we are taking it one day a time. G-d is good. We still have our sweet girl with us and we are doing our best to enjoy her and the rest of the family.

Saturday, June 14, 2003 10:21 PM CDT

Julia has had good days since last entry. She spent more time out with her dad yesterday, and likes to make it very hard for me whenever I have to leave the house. She is afraid of something and I can't quite figure it out. I keep reassuring her that I am coming back but she knows how to work me. You know, I look at that gorgeous smile and think back to when I didn't believe I would ever see it again. When she was first diagnosed she only smiled partially and it would break my heart. But now she chesses from ear to ear!! G-d is definitely good. Tonight I had a baby shower for a very dear friend and to watch Julia interact with everyone was wonderful. She wasn't too shy which is her normal behavior. More next time.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003 7:48 PM CDT

Good Evening,

I figured I'd put a quick entry in before I bathe the kids and put them into bed. I'm not sure if I mentioned about Julia's chemo or radiation before. She was such a trooper thru it all. She never got sick from the chemo. On occasion she got a belly ache but nothing more than that. She did get hot which was a side effect, the other side effect was headaches but she never got any. Five days a week for six weeks. We would bring a Dora the Explorer bookbag full of coloring books, crayons, and many surprises for her to keep her going. Usually Nana went with us since dad worked. And after chemo we would go over to radiation. She was okay in the waiting room until she say the technician and then she would cry and make me hold her down to the room. I know everyone thought she couldn't walk for as much as I carried her. She had a mask made for the radiation and sometimes cried but mostly did great. I would sit in the outer room and watch her on the monitor in total ahhh that that was my baby lying on that table. I could never understand how a baby could go thru so much. I know I stated a "quick entry" but the fingers kept moving. Julia spit up once today while taking her swiper juice. Not to bad. Have a good night everyone.

G-d Bless,
Judy

Monday, June 9, 2003 4:48 PM CDT

Hello,

Yesterday Julia and her sister went to see Finding Nemo with Nana. She had a good time. It was a hard decision for her to make to go because she wants to be with me all the time. She made the right choice. I stayed home and cleaned and played with her brothers. Julia spit up again after taking the "Swiper Juice". Here's the story of that for those that don't know it. In order for Julia to take the Protocel I had to make it fun since I didn't want her to feel like she did when she had to take her meds early on. I didn't want that continuous fight. So in Dora the Explorer there is a fox named Swiper and he always attempts to steal and Dora catches him and says "Swiper, no swiping!", well in this scenario Swiper is holding a hammer and is in Julia's head and when she drinks he beats on the tumor and then grabs pieces and throws them away and Dora stands guard so no one can say "Swiper, no swiping!" It works!!!!

Judy

Saturday, June 7, 2003 5:00 PM CDT

Hello,

Yesterday Julia spent the whole day with her dad. Sounds pretty normal, considering they used to spend alot of time together before Julia got her tumor. My husband sells cars and Julia would always be there as his sidekick helping out. Yesterday was the first day since Julia was diagnosed with the brain tumor that she spent quality alone time with her dad. It used to break his heart, she would push him away and only want her mom. So you can just imagine how elated dad was yesterday. He didn't even go to work!

Julia has been doing better with her Protocel. She hasn't spit up the last couple of days which is a real improvement. I had someone tell me last night how great she looked and how far she has come! G-d is good.

Judy

Wednesday, June 4, 2003 3:54 PM CDT

Hello Everyone,

My name is Judy and my daughter Julia was diagnosed on 12/20/02 with an inoperable brain tumor. She was 4yrs. old at the time. After she was diagnosed we met with an oncologist who gave us three options: a) doing nothing and she would live only 7 days to a mth, b) do radiation and she would live for another 6-9mths, or c) do chemo and radiation and she could live for another two years. Of course we jumped on the latter one. With in a week she had started 6 wks of chemotherapy and 7 wks of radiation. She finished treatment 02/14/03. She turned 5 on 02/18/03. Not the kind of birthday present we wanted for her. She had symptoms only for four days prior to diagnosis. Julia was quite a trooper through everything. Julia has three siblings: Jordan - 91/2, Justine - 7, and Jacob almost 3. It took a while to create this because it is not easy to relive it over and over again. We pray for a miracle and pray that Julia will outlive this terrible misfortune.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003 9:59 AM CDT

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