History

Thursday, January 10, 2008 10:23 PM CST

Wow, while reading over some of the other caringbridge sites I visit regularly I came across this piece. As I sat here with tears, I felt an overwhelming urge to share it with those of you who still visit Darren's site.

This was written by a cancer Mom, Carol, who lost her sweet little Jonathan in July. I think it's very honest, and reflects so much of what we feel.

I HOPE...

I hope you never have to hear the words, "Your child has cancer."

I hope you never have to hear, "The prognosis is not good."

I hope you never have to prepare to undergo radiation or
chemotherapy, have a port surgically inserted into their chest, be connected to IV poles.

Look at you with fear in their eyes and say, "Don't worry Mommy,everything will be okay.'

I hope you never have to hold your child as they vomit green bile.

I hope you never have to feed them ice chips for lunch.

I hope you never have to watch the "cure" you pray for slowly take away their identity, as they

lose their hair,

become skeletal,

swell up from steroids,

develop severe acne,

become barely or unable to walk or move,

and look at you with hope in their eyes and say,

"It's going to be okay, Mommy."

I hope that you never have to stay in the hospital for weeks, months, or years at a time, where there is no privacy, sleeping on a slab, with your face to the wall, where you cry in muffled silence.

I hope you never have to see a mother, alone, huddled, in a dark hospital corridor...crying quietly, after just being told, "There is nothing more we can do."

I hope you never have to watch a family wander aimlessly, minutes after their child's body has been removed.

I hope you never have to use every bit of energy you have left, with all of this going on around you to remain positive, and the feelings of guilt, sorrow, hope and fear, overwhelm you.

I hope you never have to see a child's head bolted to the table as they receive radiation.

I hope you never have to take your child home (grateful but so afraid) in a wheelchair because the chemo and radiation has damaged their muscles, 35 pounds lighter, pale, bald, and scarred.

And they look at you with faith in their eyes and say, "It's going to be okay Mommy."

I hope you never have to face the few friends that have stuck beside you and hear them say, "Thank God that is over with,"...because you know it never will be.

Your life becomes a whirl of doctors, blood tests and MRI's and you try to get your life back to "normal".

While living in mind-numbing fear that any one of those tests could result in hearing the dreaded words...

"The cancer has returned" or "The tumor is growing."

And your friends become even fewer.

I hope you never have to experience any of these
things...Because...only then...

Will you understand...

Monday, December 24, 2007 10:02 PM CST

Merry Christmas everyone!!

I know it has been so long since I have updated. We have really had a tough few months. Robert's mom died in October and my step-father passed away this past Wednesday. We are having a very difficutlt Christmas this year. We are lucky to be able to be together with our entire family.

We are very blessed to have little Race with lots of toys to open, but we still are missing our Christmas mornings with Darren!!!!

I hope all of you have a very Merry Christmas and take time to remember how fortunate you are to be with your family and friends.

Love
DeAnn

Thursday, September 6, 2007 7:36 AM CDT

My dear sweet boy,
Today is your birthday. Wow!!! You would have been 18, I guess I can't say sweet boy any more, you would be turning into a man, but you will always be my sweet boy. You were so amazing at 15, I can only imagine what you would have been at 18. I find myself wondering what mischief you would be getting into and what you would be planning for your life.

I miss you as much today as I have every day for the last, 2 years since you left us. Even though I know your life is so much better now, I am still selfish in wishing you were still here with us. My heart aches for you. I hope you are enjoying your Heavenly Birthday today and instead of mourning for you today, I will celebrate your life and all the wonderful things we did together and all the memories
we made!!!

I Love you to the moon and stars and back again!!!

Love
Mom

Thursday, August 9, 2007 11:55 AM CDT

I wanted to let everyone know we are doing okay. It has been hard on me the last few weeks. I really miss Darren and the idea of him starting the school year. I can't believe he would have been a Senior this year.

His birthday is coming up and he would have been 18!! That just blows me away (and makes me feel old at the same time). We will celebrate Race's 1st birthday 2 days after what would have been Darren's 18th!

I know you get tired of reading the same post each time you visit the site. It means we are managing and are not having earth shattering things going on in our lives.

I borrowed the facts below from another cancer site from a cancer Dad. You do not know how it makes me feel to read these things and know that so little is being to done. Someone's child dies every 16 hours from this horrible disease. It doesn't seem so rare after reading that does it???

SOME FACTS ABOUT PEDIATRIC CANCER:

Childhood cancer is the number one disease killer in children.

Neuroblastoma is the most common cancer in infancy.

Neuroblastoma is the most common extra cranial solid tumor cancer in
children.

Every 16 hours a child with neuroblastoma dies.

There is no known cure for neuroblastoma.

Nearly 70% of those children first diagnosed, have disease that has already metastasized or spread to other parts of the body. When disease has spread at diagnosis and a child is over the age of 2 there is less than a 30% chance of survival.

Childhood cancer is the leading cause of death by disease in the US and it
kills more children per year than cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy,
asthma and AIDS combined.

There are 15 children diagnosed with cancer for every one child diagnosed
with pediatric AIDS. Yet, the U.S. invests approximately $595,000 for
research per victim of pediatric AIDS and only $20,000 for each victim of
childhood cancer.

The National Cancer Institute's (NCI) federal budget was $4.6 billion. Of
that, breast cancer received 12%, prostate cancer received 7%, and all 12 major groups of pediatric cancers combined received less than 3%.

Here's hoping that someday there will be a cure for Neuroblastoma!!!

Love
DeAnn

Thursday, July 12, 2007 10:33 AM CDT

Wow, time has flown again. I bet you are all really tired of reading the last post. It was quite a pitty party for me.

Two years ago at this time I was living my worst nightmare. Everything I had worried about and feared was coming true. The feelings of helplessness still overwhelm me. No parent should have to go through the things we did during our 5 years of fighting, but especially the last week.

I know Darren was at peace, he had said many things in the days preceeding that lead me to believe he knew what was going on.

It doesn't make it any easier, but I know he is happy and pain free!!

I miss you sweet angel boy.
To the moon and stars and back again!!!(twice)

DeAnn

Saturday, May 19, 2007 7:36 PM CDT

Hello,

Most days I feel as though I am handling the grieving process as well as can be expected, but then something happens that brings me to my knees. Prom.....Darren would have been finishing up his Jr year of high school and tonight would have been prom for him.

Darren was lucky enough to be invited to prom as a freshman by his good friend Melissa. She goes to another school and was a server as a sophmore and asked Darren to be her date. I will forever be greatful to her for allowing Darren to experience prom, even if it wasn't with all the friends he had grown up with. He got to wear a tux and stay out really late (later than his mom would have liked) but looking back now, I am so glad he did and I would let him do it all over again.

I managed Mother's day alright, having Race certainly makes it easier and Darren and I were lucky enough to have many Mother's days together, but things like prom are milestones and accomplishments that don't happen every year on a certain day like Mother's Day does. It is just a reminder that in the next year there will be so many more. Next year would have been his Senior year, I will watch as all of his lifelong friends, do all the exciting things that Seniors do and walk across the stage to receive a diploma and enter new chapters of their lives.

I hope that Darren is watching over all of his friends tonight and protecting them from all the bad things that can happen on prom night. I know he is their guardian angel.

Love,
DeAnn

Saturday, May 12, 2007 9:32 PM CDT

Happy Mother's Day!!

"Motherhood is an eternal place within your heart...a sacred place that belongs to you.

Deep within the very essence of your existence, you are all mothers, whether you have living children or not-you are still mothers-beautiful and loving mothers.

And while you may not be able to care for your child/children here on earth, that sacred place of motherhood remains with you.

Remember always that the love of a mother is stronger than
any other force in the universe. The love of a mother transcends death."

~Cacciatore (founder of Miss Foundation)

I hope you all have a very special day with your mothers and children.

Love,
DeAnn

Saturday, May 12, 2007 9:32 PM CDT

Friday, April 27, 2007 10:19 AM CDT

Wow, it seems like forever since I have updated the site. Things are going okay for us. I have been somewhat emotional this past week. I am not sure what has brought it all on, but I am trying to deal with it the best I can.

As I read of other mothers losing their children I am just reminded of those first raw emotions and feelings.

I read on one mom's site how she had cleaned out her hospital "bag". For those of you who are fortunate not to know what that is, let me explain. This is a bag that becomes like a security blanket. In our case, I quit shopping for new purses, I was more excited when I found a bigger, nicer "bag" for all of our stuff! You never leave home with out it. It has all required meds, premeds and anything that mom might need as well, like tylenol!! It has copies of the forms required at admitting, already filled out and ready to hand over, because it takes so long to fill one out each time you are admitted. It contains tegaderms, left over thermometers from multiple hospital visits, rubber gloves, alcohol wipes, playing cards, uno cards (for Darren) and of course snacks.

At any given time we might have crackers, candy and occasionally you would even find microwaveable mac and cheese. I have even made mac and cheese in that lovely small little pan they hand you when they think you are going to throw up!! That's when you have been in the hospital far too long.

I remember when we came home and had this bag just sitting here. I knew eventually it would have to be cleaned out. How do you dispose of things you have accumulated for 5 years and need to feel safe? It was an overwhelming task.

I now find myself carrying another "bag", full of snacks, drinks and yes, tylenol. I am a back at home with my bag, this time under better circumstances. I still think of Darren as I am tossing all of our stuff in a bag as we are on our way out the door.

Then again, when am I not thinking of Darren???

Race is keeping us busy. He know has 3 teeth!! We think he is almost ready for chicken nuggets and his first Happy Meal, okay so we are probably pushing it a little and we certainly don't want him to grow up too fast. He ia almost crawling and showing some interest in trying to stand. He has truly brought joy back into our home. I only wish Darren had been able to share in this joy!

Keep all of our friends who are still fighting in your prayers. Their battles never ease yet they still keep fighting. They are more courageous than any adults I have ever known fighting cancer.

Thanks for stopping and checking on us.

Love
DeAnn

Friday, April 20, 2007 7:05 PM CDT

Friday, March 9, 2007 10:44 AM CST

I read this on another mother's site and I had to share it with you.

We lived the last 5 years of Darren's life like this. Our motto was "No Regrets" and I plan to live all of Race's life like this. Life is too short to wish you had done things differently.

To My Child...
Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.
Just for this morning, I will let you wake up softly, all rumpled in your sheets and I will hold you until you are ready for the day.
Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear and smile at how perfect it is. Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry and pick you up and take you to the park and play. Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off and sit with you in the back yard and blow bubbles.
Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the Ice-cream Truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.
Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.
Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
Just for this afternoon, I will take you to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
Just for this evening, I will snuggle besides you for hours, and miss my favorite T.V. show.
Just for this evening, when I run my fingers through your hair as you pray. I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given. I will think about mothers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms and mothers who are in the hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and scream inside that they can't handle it anymore, and when I kiss you goodnight, I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then I will thank God for you and ask him for nothing,

EXCEPT ONE MORE DAY!!

Love,
DeAnn

Saturday, February 17, 2007 9:10 AM CST

So much time has gone by since I updated. Those of you who still check in on us will eventually stop if I don't continue to update.

Race and I both have been sick. He had an ear infection and I have had the sinus stuff. We both ended up having to go to the doctor and take antibiotics.

We are so glad that the weather appears to be getting better. I would really like to take Race out in his stroller and enjoy some outside time.

Robert and I went to the cemetary the other day and our flowers are gone yet again. I had waited for the weather to clear up before I put anything new out there and the old ones are gone again. I had some smaller ones to put in the vase and it was frozen solid!! There was supposed to be a drain in there so that didn't happen. I don't know what went wrong. We ended up just leaving Darren's Valentine Bear and some candy. I know most boys 17 yrs old wouldn't want a teddy bear, but I still like to think of him as my "little" boy. I guess he always will be. The whole time we were there it was snowing and the temp was about 20 degrees. The things we do for our children.!

Some of you may or may not know that President Bush has plans to cut funding for pediatric cancer research. This is totally unacceptable. There is very little funding available now at the federal level. President Bush himself had a sister die of Lukemia at the age of three. You would think he would realize the importance of funding this research. Most children with Neuroblastoma become clinical trials. Please help to make sure these cuts don't hurt any more families. You can go to the Children's Oncology Website at:

www.curesearch.com

There is a link to watch an ABC news interview and other ways to contact your local and federal government representatives to encourage them to continue to support Pediatric cancer research.

I hope all of you make time to at least read some of the information.

Please keep our friend Brian in your prayers. He is experiencing severe headaches and his family is very concerned. Please also pray for our friend Xander. The beleive his NB is back and will going soon for biopsies. Please pray for good news for both of these families.

I will include the link for the abc news story and links for both Brian and Xander below. Please stop by and give them a word of encouragement.

Love
DeAnn

Monday, January 8, 2007 10:48 PM CST

It's been awhile since I have updated.. We had a nice Christmas. I really missed Darren and wish he could have had fun opening presents with his little borther.

I am going to try to make some changes here on Darren's site. I hope I am able to figure it all out. Be looking for some changes!!

I hope you have a happy New Year!
Love
DeAnn

Thursday, December 14, 2006 7:16 PM CST

Hi everyone,

As Christmas approaches I am reminded of how much I miss Darren. I think of his excitement as a little boy and then I think of how he had to be drug out of bed on Christmas morning as he became a teenager.

We will have some added joy this year celebrating with Race. It is fun to think we will be doing Santa stuff again. I am looking forward to those same moments we had so early in the morning with Darren opening up presents.

The pain never goes away, it just gets pushed to the side and can be triggered at any given moment. We had the Compassionate Friends candle lighting last Sunday. It is so sad to know that so many children have lost their lives for various reasons and so many parents facing the holidays without them.

I Will Be There

Sharon J. Bryant

Mom, tomorrow I will be there
Though you may not see
I'll smile and remember
The last Christmas, with you and me

Don't be sad mom
I'm never far away
Your heart has hidden sight
My memory will always stay

I watched as you touched the ornaments
Sometimes a tear was shed as you did
I touched you gently on your shoulder
And on tiptoes I proudly stood

I'm only gone for a little while mom
I'm waiting for the day to be
When God calls out your name mom
We'll be together, just you wait and see

But until that time comes
Carry on as you did when I was there
I tell the angels how much I love you
There are angels here everywhere!!

I stand behind you some days
When I know that you are sad
I want you to be happy mom
It would make my heart so glad

So on this Christmas Eve, Mom
Think of me as I will be thinking of you
And touch that special ornament
That I once made for you

I love you mom,
I know you know I do
And I'll be waiting here for you
When your earthly life is through

Love,
Your child in Heaven

I hope you all have a nice holiday season. Cherish every moment you have with your family.

Love
DeAnn

Please keep our friend Brian and his family in your prayers as they are facing some tough treatment decisions.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006 3:48 PM CST

Hi everyone,

I read this poem on another website and wanted to share it with you. I could have written it myself and sat in tears as I read it.

My Son Lives in Paradise

The dust has settled on the things
That I have stored away
A favorite toy, for little boy
A jar of dried out clay.

A photograph when you were young
Sits quietly on the shelf
Thoughts of you come drifting back
I just can�t help myself.

A drawing that you made for me
When you were very small
Is framed within this heart of mine
And hangs upon the wall.

A scrapbook lies within the room
Where you once laid your head
Your favorite book, a model car
The pillow on your bed.

I miss you coming in from school
�Hey mom, it�s me, I�m home�
I miss the little words and hugs
The special times we�ve known.

A part of me just disappeared
The day you went away
An empty space now fills my heart
There are no words to say.

A closet filled with memories
Of happy days gone by
A baseball cap and souvenir
Why did you have to die?

The trophies that you won at school
Stand proudly on display
Your many friends can�t understand
Why God called you away.

I hear your voice within the halls
It echoes in the night
I see you in the evening mist
And in the morning light.

So many things you left behind
Are now a memory
But little arms that held me tight
Will always stay with me.

An empty space now fills my heart
My boy, my child, my son
You�ve gone into another world
Where golden dreams are spun.

I do not know the answers
It�s not for me to know
But I will know the truth one day
Just why you had to go.

My turn will come to leave this world
I�ll gaze into your eyes
God�s perfect plan will be revealed
Up there in paradise.

Author/Written By:
Marilyn Ferguson
�2005

Love
DeAnn

Saturday, November 18, 2006 11:43 AM CST

Wow how time flies. We have finally gotten settled in our new home. For those of you who check in on us, I apologize for not updating sooner. We don't have DSL access here where we moved and I have had to revert back to dial up. I forgot how spoiled I was.

Race is growing like crazy. He went to the doctor yesterday for his 2 month check up. He had to get 3 shots!! It made me think of how brave Darren was to never complain much about what we required him to do. He was so brave. I hope as Race grows up he knows how awesome his brother Darren was. I tell him quite often.

Thanksgiving

Our time together was too brief
Your life on earth numbered in but days.
Yet, how could I have loved you
more if I had held you
through the seasons of your life.

When does love begin?
For me the day you first moved within me,
Wrapped me in such warmth
that it can still keep out the cold
as here I stand missing you
and all that we could have shared

Death has robbed me of your softness
And of all the dreams
I had for you
but not of my love
Not even death
Can take that from me-
from us
And for that
I am THANKFUL

This week of Thanksgiving, please stop and remember what and who you are thankful for and celebrate your time together.

Thanks for checking in on us.

Saturday, October 14, 2006 11:57 AM CDT

Hi,
Thanks to all of you who have kept Brian in your prayers. They have received some better news and are hoping that his disease has not progressed as they originally thought.

The last couple of weeks have been hard for us since we lost my Grandpa. My grandparents were married over 67 years. It has been a real adjustment for my Grandma but she seems to be holding up pretty well. We are trying to keep her occupied and she loves babysitting Race. It gives her something to look forward to.

I know that Darren was happy to see my Grandpa. They had a special relationship and my Grandpa loved him so much. Grandpa had a really hard time believing that at 15 yr old could die while he at 85 was still living. He didn't believe in that was the order of things.

We are preparing to move. I have been working on cleaning out Darren's room. That hasn't been an easy task. I plan on having some quilts made of his clothes. I was going to pack them all away and when I got ready to do the quilts I would get them all out. Robert suggested that we just move his clothes to the closet in his room at our new house. So, Darren is very pleased I am sure that he was the first one to move into our new house. He will have a room with his things, I am trying not to make it into a shrine!! I like having his things around, it brings back so many good memories. I also believe that will be the only way that Race truly gets to know Darren.

Darren, I promise I won't let him break anything. But I know he will love getting to know you through all of your things.

My cousing Jenae got the shirt that Race has on in the picture above. I just wish Race knew how lucky he was to be Darren's little brother. As time goes on I will make sure he knows how lucky he is and how special Darren was.

Thanks for checking in. My next post will be from our new house. I guess it is time for some new memories.

Love
DeAnn

Monday, October 9, 2006 3:08 PM CDT

Please pray for our friend Brian. You will find his link at the bottom of the page. His latest tests show progression. Please pray that his parents will make the right decisions and be offered the treatment that he needs.

The Briscoe family is supposed to be going to Disney World soon. Pray that they are able to go before he has to start more tough treatment.

Love
DeAnn

Monday, October 2, 2006 9:34 AM CDT

Hi everyone,
I am sad to say that my Grandpa died this past Friday night. He was a very special man and we will miss him. I know Darren was waiting to greet him and show him all the wonderful things that Heaven has to offer.

Sadly he never got to see Race other than in a picture. I know he would have been so happy for us. It was very hard on him when we lost Darren. He just didn't agree that losing a child was fair when he had lived such a long life. The order of things just didn't seem right to him. He was so happy for us to have found new joy in having a baby. I remember showing him the ultrasound pictures of Race and he was so excited for us.

We will miss him terribly and there will be another big hole left in our lives. But just as with Darren, I know he is in a better place and no longer suffering.

Thanks for checking in on us. Please remeber to sign the guestbook.
Love
DeAnn

Wednesday, September 20, 2006 2:28 PM CDT

Please pray for Christi Thomas' family. She became an Angel yesterday. We had the honor and priveledge of meeting her and her wonderful family during our time of treatment in Philadelphia. They are an amazing family and are truly some of the most awesome parents I have ever met.

You can read about Christi and her incredible spirit at
http://www.christithomas.blogspot.com/

Please pray for their continued strength in the days ahead. No amount of preperation can prepare you for the death of your child.

Love
DeAnn

PS The above picture is of Race, we think he really looks like his big brother Darren in it.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006 2:20 PM CDT

Please pray for Christi Thomas' family. She became an Angel yesterday. We had the honor and priveledge of meeting her and her wonderful family during our time of treatment in Philadelphia. They are an amazing family and were truly some of the most awesome parents I have ever met.

You can read about Christi and her incredible spirit at
http://www.christithomas.blogspot.com/

Please pray for their continued strength in the days ahead. No amount of preperation can prepare you for the death of your child.

Love
DeAnn

Tuesday, September 12, 2006 6:08 PM CDT

Hello!!!
As some of you may or may not know, little Race decided to come into this world a little early. I was scheduled to have a c-section on Thursday and last Thursday thanks to the full moon ( we have laughed about that one) he decided to join us a week early.

Race Nathan was born at 2:24 am, on Friday September 8th he weighed 7lbs and 15oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. His birthday is only 2 days after Darren's!!!!

It has been a real roller coaster of emotion. He has brought such joy back into our lives and we know Darren had a hand in that. I thank god and Darren every day that he was born healthy!!!

I will try to get some pictures up on the picture page. I have a new camera and will need to figure out how to download the pictures.

Thanks for checking in on us.
Love
DeAnn

Thursday, September 7, 2006 9:21 AM CDT

Hi Everyone,

All in all, yesterday wasn�t a horrible day. I was able to take off work at noon and spend the rest of the day with Robert. We took new flowers out to Darren�s grave. If you remember, someone stole the last ones that I put out there. Robert and I talked about Darren many different times yesterday. It is hard to believe he would have been 17 yrs old. I would love to know the kind of boy he would have been at 17. The one thing I know for certain is he would have been a prankster and into a great deal of mischief. That was one thing I would never have changed about Darren and I am hoping his little brother is just as mischievous. In fact there are several things that I hope Race inherits from his older brother. Darren was so outgoing and had such a good personality. I hope Race has at least half of the self confidence that Darren had.

I am happy to say that I can tell you our friends the Briscoe�s from Altus have been chosen to be on CMT Trick My Truck. For those of you who don�t know the show, it is an extreme make over for trucks. They do some really cool things. Brian Briscoe has neuroblastoma just like Darren did and is still in the fight. It is so good to see something so spectacular happen to such deserving people.

Please keep our friend Christi Thomas in your prayers. Pray for control of her pain and pray for her parent�s strength as they are in the fight of their life right now. They are amazing people and have gone to great lengths to see that Christi has had the best treatment in the world.

I will probably not update until after Race is born. I still haven�t made up my mind about pictures on the site, but for those of you that I believe would like to see him, I will be emailing pictures to all of you personally. I have a new camera and I am ready to go!!!

Thanks for checking in on us.
Love
DeAnn

Wednesday, September 6, 2006 6:44 AM CDT

Happy Birthday my sweet boy!! Mommy misses you so much. I know you will have a great birthday. I will be thinking of you every minute today. I love you to the moon and the stars and back again.

Love
Mom

Tuesday, August 22, 2006 9:40 PM CDT

Hello,
I am so terrible. I can't believe it has been so long since I updated the website. Things have been really crazy for us. About 6 weeks ago my grandfather fell. Robert and I went over and Robert helped him get up and we got him to the ER. We were afraid he had broken his hip. Luckily (or not) the xray showed it not to be broken. After a couple of weeks of Physical Therapy it was decided that he was not improving and they did another xray. Unfortunately that xray showed it to be broken. He had hip replacement and has been at a rehab in our local hospital for a couple of weeks. He took a turn for the worse over the weekend and has ended up in the ICU for a few days. We have seen great improvement in the past 24 hours. My grandmother has been staying at home by herself and trying to get used to him being in the hospital. We are hopeful that he will eventually make it back home. For being 86 years old I guess he isn't doing so bad.

We have been busy trying to help my grandmother take care of her needs and making trips to the hospital to see my grandfather.

We are now only 3 weeks away from having the baby. I am really ready! I forgot how uncomfortable the end of the pregnancy is and I am only 17yrs older than the last time I did this.

I am sad to say that someone took the flowers off of Darren's stone at the cemetary. Why someone would steal an entire arrangement is beyond me. I will replace them for his birthday which is coming up soon, on the 6th of September.

I miss Darren terribly. I couldn't get think of anything else but him the other day. I wish so much I could share things with him and talk to him. I think it finally dawned on me the depth in which I miss him. There is a part of my soul that has changed and will never be the same. We go about our daily lives, but deep inside there is something that will never heal and will never go away. I guess the pain is a constant reminder that he lived and what a wonderful boy he really was.

Sorry for such a gap in updates. I will try to do better. I haven't decided if I will post a picture of Race on Darren's site or not. This is supposed to be about him, not his brother. I will continue to give it some thought.

Thanks for checkin in on us.

Love
DeAnn

Friday, July 28, 2006 8:33 AM CDT

I promised myself I would do better at updating and I just haven't been doing it. Things have been pretty uneventful for us. This past weekend Darren's dad had a poker run to raise money for Darren's scholarship fund. The weather wasn't too bad and several people turned out. It was nice to see people making such and effort to do something good. It was also nice to spend the day with my cousin Jenae.

This past Monday, my cousin Derek and his wife Michelle had a baby boy. His name is Max and he and Race will be very close in age. They live in Austin so it will be hard for them to see each other much, but hopefully they will get to know each other. I am just a little jealous that Max is already here, I have been feeling the effects of pregnancy quite a bit this week, especially with all of the high tempatures we have been having.

Our Compassionate Friends group had a memorial balloon release and cookout last night. Our group is small, but we have the same faithful group each meeting. We sent out invitations to several families inviting them, we were hoping to reach out to more families and get some new members to our group.

We survived the one year mark of Darren's death. I will say it was hard, but not as hard as I expected. I have been cleaning on his room preparing to move to our new house. It seems that Darren will still have his own room with his belongings in it. It will be nice to have a new room with his things so his new little brother will get to know him and how wonderful he was.

Thanks for checking in on us.
Love
DeAnn

Darren, I am really sorry that I had pink balloons at the release last night, but mine went the highest and the farthest, I hope they made it to you and you got your note and found humor in the pink balloons. Mommy loves and misses you to the moon and the stars and back again!!!
Love
Mom

Thursday, July 6, 2006 10:55 AM CDT

Hello,

I always promise myself that I will update more frequently and then here I am again weeks later with no new update. Things are going okay for us.

These past few days and the days ahead are difficult to face. I just keep remembering what was happening last year at this time. I remember how sad I was to find out the Cameron was so sick and wouldn't make it, and I remember thinking how great things were for us. Even though Darren was doing chemo, and still had disease he was here and we didn't see our end in sight. I was so heartbroken for Jamie and I know she must have been so scared to take Cameron home. It was at that time that I prayed to God and asked him to not let that happen to us. I don't think Darren and I either one could have coped with that situation. Teenagers know so much and are aware of everything, there wouldn't have been any fooling him about anything.

So, even though my prayers weren't answered for Darren's healing on earth, he did answer my prayer of how Darren's ultimate healing would be handled and for that I am grateful. He went with his entire family around him in a room filled with love for him.

These days are so sad, I have been reliving so many moments in time lately. Soon I won't be able to say a year ago Darren was doing this or that. He will have been gone over a year and then time will just be a great big blur of memories.

We will be moving soon. I have a mixture of emotion about cleaning out Darren's room. I know it is time now. He wouldn't want us going through his stuff anytime we felt like it. He would like to know it was packed away and safe. I will say even the notes I have come across, you know the kind, typical teenager notes, I have not read. I have always felt like it was an invasion of his privacy, and even without him here I couldn't do that to him.

So, as we face the one year mark of Darren being gone, we will learn a new way of life. It won't be anything like our past life, but I hope we can learn to find joy in our new baby and at the same time keep Darren's wonderful memory alive. Thanks for those of you who have traveled this journey with us. Your kind words mean more than you could know.

Love
DeAnn

Friday, June 16, 2006 12:19 AM CDT

Hi All,
I am trying to get better about updating. Time has just been flying by for me. It is hard to believe that we will soon be approaching the one year mark (notice I did not say anniversary) since Darren has been gone. (it is also hard for me to say "passed away" or "died" in the same sentence with Darren's name, so I choose to say gone) It may seem as though I am living in a fantasy, I am not. I know all too well that Darren isn't coming back. It eases my mind to think of it in other terms.

I want so much for our new baby to know everything about Darren. We will look at pictures and tell stories and Race will know everything there is to know about Darren without actually meeting him. I am hoping the shoe gene has been passed to this baby. Darren loved to get new tennis shoes. The satisfaction he got from a new pair of shoes was unbelievable. Usually as were leaving the store with his new shoes, he would point to a pair as we were walking out and say "those are the ones I want to get next" and usually he did!! I miss those shopping trips more than you can imagine. I will say I don't miss shopping at Abercrombie very much. Those trips usually ended in an argument over the extremely loud music in the store. But we all know I would love to have one of those arguments with him right now! He usually left with most everything he wanted.

Since my last update, Kraleigh left this earth and is now enjoying all the freedoms of heaven. It is so sad to learn of so many children gone before their time. Robert says someday all of the children we knew from clinic will be cured or in heaven and maybe it won't weigh so heavily on my heart!! My feelings won't change about pediatric cancer, but not personally knowing the children may make it easier to deal with.

Thanks for checking in with us. Keep all of those still fighting in your prayers. Pray that they find a cure so no more families have to go through what we have.

Love
DeAnn

Friday, June 2, 2006 9:46 PM CDT

Hi everyone,

Sorry it has been so long since I updated. Mother's Day was more difficult than I imagined. Last year I asked Darren to plant flowers for me. He really didn't want to take the time, of course he was always going full blast, but he did and he planted flowers for me. I only wish that I had been able to keep them forever. I wish I had been able to keep him forever also.

We attended Darren's best friend Chris' graduation last week. Darren would have been so lost with Chris gone to college this next school year. Chris was always such a great friend to Darren. It didn't matter if Darren was sickly or not, they spent hours burning gas and driving around town having fun together, and I am very sure getting into a great deal of mischief. Darren would call Chris from our local hospital right before his chemo was done and ask Chris if he was coming to get him, and usually by the time we got home Chris was waiting in front of the house for him. Darren said it was okay to do chemo after school because Chris had to work anyway and they usually got done about the same time. I am so grateful that Darren had such a good and understanding friend.

Things are pretty much the same around here. I will say the past month has been difficult for me. We are nearing the time of Darren's death and it has been really hard.
I am feeling okay, just really pregnant. I am now 23, almost 24 weeks pregnant and he is a very busy boy, kicking and squirming all the time. I will always regret that this little boy will never know his amazing big brother.

Please keep our friends in your prayers. We have a friend Kraleigh who also has NB and is not doing very well at all. You can visit her website by copying and pasting the address below and going to updates.

www.kraleighgrace.com

Please also keep our friend Brian in your prayers. He too is still on chemo and having a great summer. He recently wrote a letter to the show Trick My Truck on CMT (some of you may have never heard of it)his dad was chosen to go to Missouri today to see if they would get their truck tricked or not.

Pray for those fighting and for those who have lost the battle and left loved ones behind. Some days the pain is just as intense as it was in the beginning, those are the days we need lots of prayers to make it through.

Thanks for checking in, sorry it was so long in between updates.

Love,
DeAnn

Friday, May 12, 2006 10:30 AM CDT

Good Morning,

For those of you who have never lost a child, the spectrum of emotions we feel are probably inconceivable. For those of you who have lost a child, we all know that a special bond is formed with other mothers and parents who have lost before us and who will lose after us. It is a �group� no parent should ever have to join. I am again feeling those early raw emotions of losing a child while telling you that Noah and Fletcher both gained their angel wings this week. They both fought courageous battles. Fletcher�s fight was 5 years and sweet Noah wasn�t even on this earth that long. He gained his wings early this morning in his wonderful mommy�s arms.

It is extremely difficult as we are approaching Mother�s day. Even without our children we are forever their mommies. Mother�s day this year will be celebrated on the 14th which will be the 10th month without Darren. I hate to say anniversary, because most anniversaries are associated with the celebrating. You always celebrate your wedding anniversary. This is not an anniversary I wish to celebrate, I think I will more tolerate and get through the day. I know even without Darren�s physical presence I will always be his mommy and can still enjoy Mother�s day this year knowing I had the privilege of being the most amazing child�s mother.

I am feeling such sadness for Gail, Fletcher�s mom and Shelly, Noah�s mom as they are facing some of the worst days of their lives and will have to face Mother�s day all at the same time. Please keep these families in your prayers. They will need such strength in the days ahead.

Happy Mother�s day to all of you. Call your mom and tell her you love her, there is nothing better than hearing your child�s voice.

Love
DeAnn

Friday, May 5, 2006 2:51 PM CDT

Hello,

Things are going okay for us. We are into the full swing of racing season, and as hard as it is to go without Darren, we are glad to have it keep us busy.

Thanks to all of you who have been signing the guestbook. I love knowing who stops by. I don't have alot to update you on today. Things are going smoothly for us. I am growing, which in turn means the baby is getting bigger. We miss Darren so much and being his parents. We are so looking forward again to the rewards and challenges that parenting brings, for all the challenges we had with Darren there were so many rewards. He was a wonderful child, even at his worst. ( I sound like true mom don't I?)

We are looking forward to seeing my family next weekend. My little brother will be graduating from the University of Oklahoma on Saturday. It doesn't seem possible that he is really that old! Darren would be finishing up his sophomore year of high school and that doesn't seem possible either. It's hard to imagine that he has been gone 10 months. Some days it seems like yesterday and others seem like a lifetime ago.

We are thinking of moving. That brings about a whole new series of challenges. Darren's room remains the same as the day he left it and his toothbrush is still next to mine in the bathroom. I am not so sure that even in a new house I won't leave his toothbrush in the holder next to mine! I have felt all along when the time was right I would know when to pack up his room. Now I know the time will never be "right" I will just have to do it anyway.

Please keep our friends in your prayers. Our little friend Noah isn't do very well and he and his mom Shelly could both use your prayers right now. I have added a link to his website at the bottom of the page. Also continue to pray for our friends Christi Thomas and Fletcher Vines and all of the others who continue to battle this horrible beast every day.

Love,
DeAnn

Friday, May 5, 2006 11:20 AM CDT

Good Morning!

Things are going okay for us. We are into the full swing of racing season, and as hard as it is to go without Darren, we are glad to have it keep us busy.

Thanks to all of you who have been signing the guestbook. I love knowing who stops by. I don't have alot to update you on today. Things are going smoothly for us. I am growing, which in turn means the baby is getting bigger. We miss being parents so much and are so looking forward again to the rewards and challenges that it brings.

Please keep our friends in your prayers. Our little friend Noah isn't do very well and he and his mom Shelly could both use your prayers right now. I have added a link to his website at the bottom of the page. Also continue to pray for our friend Christi Thomas and all of the others who continue to battle this horrible beast every day.

Love,
DeAnn

Friday, May 5, 2006 11:10 AM CDT

Good Morning!

Things are going okay for us. We are into the full swing of racing season, and as hard as it is to go without Darren, we are glad to have it keep us busy.

Thanks to all of you who have been signing the guestbook. I love knowing who stops by. I don't have alot to update you on today. Things are going smoothly for us. I am growing, which in turn means the baby is getting bigger. We miss being parents so much and are so looking forward again to the rewards and challenges that it brings.

Please keep our friends in your prayers. Our little friend Noah isn't do very well and he and his mom Shelly could both use your prayers right now. Also continue to pray for our friend Christi Thomas and all of the others who continue to battle this horrible beast every day.

Love,
DeAnn

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 9:16 AM CDT

Hi,
The picture above is Darren with HIS race car. He would actually laugh if he thought some of you were thinking it was Robert�s. I put the picture on last night and then I thought, oh, wow Darren would love it if someone thought that was Robert�s car. So, let me clarify, the car in the picture, is Darren�s and he actually won some races in it. He loved driving that car and would have continued to race had he not relapsed. I know he is racing the streets of heaven!

Wow, time does fly. Things are going okay for us. We have really enjoyed being able to race. It helps to keep us busy. Every trip to the races does have it's sad time though as we are all getting in the pickup and wishing Darren were there to go with us. He was the first one ready to go. It didn't matter when or where we were going, he was ready to go racing. I have his picture hanging in the racecar trailer. So, I guess you could say he is still "going racing."

We went to Enid this past weekend to race. The drivers there are raising money for Relay for Life. They take turns going into the stands with their helmets and asking for donations. They also have a helmet that has been autographed by all the drivers, I guess they will be selling chances for it. It is so nice to see people compete against each other, yet work together for such a good cause.

I went to the Doctor last week. I am now 18 weeks pregnant and we know for sure that it is a boy. I know from being blessed with Darren how wonderful having a boy can be.

Thanks for checking in, sorry I don't update as often as I should. I really don't know how many people check in on us anymore, but I appreciate those who do.

Love,
DeAnn

Monday, April 24, 2006 8:08 PM CDT

Hi,
Wow, time does fly. Things are going okay for us. We have really enjoyed being able to race. It helps to keep us busy. Every trip to the races does have it's sad time though as we are all getting in the pickup and wishing Darren were there to go with us. He was the first one ready to go. It didn't matter when or where we were going, he was ready to go racing. I have his picture hanging in the racecar trailer. So, I guess you could say he is still "going racing."

We went to Enid this past weekend to race. The drivers there are raising money for Relay for Life. They take turns going into the stands with their helmets and asking for donations. They also have a helmet that has been autographed by all the drivers, I guess they will be selling chances for it. It is so nice to see people compete against each other, yet work together for such a good cause.

I went to the Doctor last week. I am now 18 weeks pregnant and we know for sure that it is a boy. I know from being blessed with Darren how wonderful having a boy can be.

Thanks for checking in, sorry I don't update as often as I should. I really don't know how many people check in on us anymore, but I appreciate those who do.

Love,
DeAnn

Thursday, April 6, 2006 10:10 AM CDT

Hi All!

I bet you are really tired of reading the same old journal post! At least it was benficial information that was on there for so long.

Things are going okay for us. We took the race car out for the first time last weekend and had some trouble. We were unable to race in Enid as planned on Saturday night, but as it turned out it was okay, they rained out anyway. We are looking forward to getting to race this weekend. It is always so hard for us to go and not have Darren there with us. I took a framed picture of Darren along Saturday and put in the trailer. I told everyone it just wasn't right to go to the races without Darren so I brought him along!

The Jimmy Everest Center where Darren treated in OKC is having a rememberance day on Saturday. They will have a video and slide show for which I have sent pictures. I look forward to seeing some of the people I have gotten to know so well, yet have become so disconnected from. There is nothing like spending time with people who know exactly how you feel. During treatment our bond was the cancer and it's treatment and side effects and changes in our life. Now our bond is the horrible pain of losing a child and how that has changed our life.

I am feeling well and the baby is growing. I had an ultrasound a few weeks ago and they believe it is a boy. I will have another one in a couple of weeks and we will know for sure. Oh how I wish my precious Darren would have gotten to be a big brother to this baby. I know he would have been awesome. Instead I will find peace in knowing that this baby will have it's own guardian angel!

Thanks for checking in and please sign the guestbook.
Love
DeAnn

Friday, March 17, 2006 4:52 PM CST

I would like to share with you some information about neuroblastoma and childhood cancer. For those of you who think kids all get leukemia, which is a common form of pediatric cancer, or who don�t know about all the different kinds of pediatric cancer I hope you find this very informative and it leaves you with a new found interest in helping to cure childhood cancer. I found the following information on the Cure For NB website and Cancer.org.

I would like you to keep in mind as you are reading this, Darren was diagnosed with Stage 1 neuroblastoma (better survival if diagnosed in early stage) and he was also diagnosed shortly after his after his 11th birthday (2% of cases are found in children over the age of 10).

CANCER FACTS

* Cancer remains the number one disease killer of children; more than genetic anomalies, diabetes, cystic fibrosis, and AIDS combined.

�Each year in the U.S., approximately 12,500 children and adolescence are diagnosed with cancer (around 35 a day).

�One in 330 children will develop cancer by age 20.

�Approximately 20% of adults with cancer show evidence the disease has spread, yet almost 80% of children show that the cancer has spread to distant sites at the time of diagnosis.

�When cancer strikes Children, it behaves differently from cancer in adults.

FACTS ABOUT NEUROBLASTOMA

�Although cure rates are steadily increasing, 35% of children will die

�Neuroblastoma tumors are the second most common type of solid tumors found in children (second only to brain tumors).

�Neuroblastoma accounts for 14% of all cancers in children younger than five years of age.

�The average age at diagnosis is two years old.

What is Neuroblastoma?

Neuroblastoma (NB) is a rare cancer of the nervous system. Neuroblastoma is solid tumor cancer and begins in the nerve tissue of the neck, chest, abdomen, or pelvis but usually originates in the abdomen in the tissue of the adrenal gland.

It�s a form of cancer that occurs in infants and children, and is rarely found in children older than 10 years.

There are many angles of causes being researched but the main ideas is that cells of this cancer usually resemble very primitive developing nerve cells found in an embryo or fetus. There is very little known about why neuroblastoma occurs, or about what factors increase the risk for occurrence and currently there is no known cure.

Neuroblastoma is by far the most common cancer in infants. There are approximately 650 new cases of neuroblastoma each year. This number has held steady for many years.

Boys are somewhat more likely to develop neuroblastomas than girls. For every 6 cases in male children, there are 5 females.

The average age at the time of diagnosis is about 17 months. Around one third of cases are diagnosed by the first year. Nearly 90% of cases are diagnosed by age 5. And about 2% of cases are found in people over the age of 10, including some adults. In rare cases, neuroblastoma is detected by ultrasound even before birth.

Seventeen years ago this was 100% fatal. While treatment is improving, the statistics are still sobering. In as many as 7 of 10 cases, the disease is not diagnosed until it has already spread (metastasized) meaning treatment is more intensive and has to start quicker. Children have the best chance of survival if they are diagnosed by age five (nearly 90% of cases are) and if early stage. This is still a very tricky disease, over 50% of patients who go into remission will relapse and the chances of survival are even slimmer.

�It�s only worth funding research for the common cancers until someone you love is affected by an uncommon one.� -Anna Jarvis

Please help fight pediatric cancer. The drug companies say that there is little research being done for new pediatric cancer drugs, they say there are more adults with cancer than children, therefore they are researching adult medicines rather than children's. These kids need just as much help, they are our future. Please go to curefornb.com to learn more.

Thanks for listening and I hope you learned something. Something that you take with you to help find a cure.

�Sometimes the biggest battles have the littlest warriors.� � Curefornb.com

Love,
DeAnn

Friday, March 17, 2006 12:07 AM CST

I would like to share with you some information about neuroblastoma and childhood cancer. For those of you who think kids all get leukemia, which is a common form of pediatric cancer, or who don�t know about all the different kinds of pediatric cancer I hope you find this very informative and it leaves you with a new found interest in helping to cure childhood cancer. I found the following information on the Cure For NB website and Cancer.org.

I would like you to keep in mind as you are reading this, Darren was diagnosed with Stage 1 neuroblastoma (better survival if diagnosed in early stage) and he was also diagnosed shortly after his after his 11th birthday (2% of cases are found in children over the age of 10).

CANCER FACTS

* Cancer remains the number one disease killer of children; more than genetic anomalies, diabetes, cystic fibrosis, and AIDS combined.

�Each year in the U.S., approximately 12,500 children and adolescence are diagnosed with caner (around 35 a day).

�One in 330 children will develop cancer by age 20.

�Approximately 20% of adults with cancer show evidence the disease has spread, yet almost 80% of children show that the cancer has spread to distant sites at the time of diagnosis.

�When cancer strikes Children, it behaves differently from cancer in adults.

FACTS ABOUT NEUROBLASTOMA

�Although cure rates are steadily increasing, 35% of children will die

�Neuroblastoma tumors are the second most common type of solid tumors found in children (second only to brain tumors).

�Neuroblastoma accounts for 14% of all cancers in children younger than five years of age.

�The average age at diagnosis is two years old.

Neuroblastoma is by far the most common cancer in infants and the third most common type of cancer in children. There are approximately 650 new cases of neuroblastoma each year. This number has held steady for many years.

Boys are somewhat more likely to develop neuroblastomas than girls. For every 6 cases in male children, there are 5 females.

The average age at the time of diagnosis is about 17 months. Around one third of cases are diagnosed by the first year. Nearly 90% of cases are diagnosed by age 5. And about 2% of cases are found in people over the age of 10, including some adults. In rare cases, neuroblastoma is detected by ultrasound even before birth.

Seventeen years ago this was 100% fatal. While treatment is improving, the statistics are still sobering. In as many as 7 of 10 cases, the disease is not diagnosed until it has already spread (metastasized) meaning treatment is more intensive and has to start quicker. Children have the best chance of survival if they are diagnosed by age five (nearly 90% of cases are) and if early stage. This is still a very tricky disease, over 50% of patients who go into remission will relapse and the chances of survival are even slimmer.

�It�s only worth funding research for the common cancers until someone you love is affected by an uncommon one.� -Anna Jarvis

Please help fight pediatric cancer. The drug companies say that there is little research being done for new pediatric cancer drugs, they say there are more adults with cancer than children, therefore they are researching adult medicines rather than children's. These kis need just as much help, they are our future. Please go to curefornb.com to learn more.

Thanks for listening and I hope you learned something. Something that you take with you to help find a cure.

Love,
DeAnn

Monday, March 6, 2006 7:18 PM CST

Hello everyone,
It's been a few days since I updated. Last week Robert and I both went to the Dr. He got his stitches out and then we went to my first dr appt. We didn't get to hear the heartbeat, but we did get to see it beating in the ultrasound. It's amazing how small it is and yet has hands and feet and is moving all around.

We went to my mom's over this past weekend. I went shopping with my mom and Robert went to the Dirt track races at Texas Motor Speedway. It was really hard for me to be at my mom's without Darren. He loved spending time with my mom. I did feel his presence more than once while we were there.

Today has been especially difficult for me. I miss Darren so much and it seems like so long since he's been gone. I am truly sad that our baby won't get to know Darren. He loved kids and would have been a wonderful big brother! I know he is watching over us and will know this baby.

Thanks for checking in on us. Please sign the guestbook so we know you were here.

Love,
DeAnn

Friday, February 24, 2006 10:17 PM CST

Hello,

Things have been quiet for us. Robert had his surgery last week, and everything went well with that. They removed the skin cancer. He returns to the Dr. this next week to have the stitches removed. I will also be going to the Dr on Wednesday. It will be my first appointment. I am now 9 weeks along. I have a nice little bulging tummy to prove it too!

We went to our Compassionate Friends meeting last night. We were asked to bring an item that had meaning for our child, or told about our child. I took the small piece of Darren' blanket (aka MiMi). He was never ashamed of his blanket and didn't try to hide it. I am referring to the blanket as an "it", but Darren' referred to the blanket as "her". Don't ask me how blankets have genders, but Darren's MiMi was a girl! I kept a small piece of the blanket and the rest of it is with him. I had the blanket at home and when I got ready to cut the piece off to save I couldn't find it. I had to search for it. It had fallen between the headboard and matress of our bed and was under the bed. I know Darren had a hand in that and was hiding it from me. I am sure he really didn't like the idea of me cutting a piece off. He used to laugh and say he would keep "her" under the seat of his pick up when he got his driver's license. His theory was "Love Me....Love My MiMi"
Oh how I miss him!

I am hoping to be able to make a small quilt with some pieces of MiMi, I think Darren would like to share "her" with his new brother or sister, and who knows? Maybe someday "she" will be riding under the seat of a pickup.

Please keep our friends in your prayers.
www.caringbridge.org/visit/brianbriscoe
www.courageofgrace.com
www.christithomas.blogspot.com
www.caringbridge.org/ok/noah

Congratulations to Audra and Bobby (Daniel and Anabel's parents) on the birth of their beautiful new son, and keep Xander's family in your prayers, they are still anxiously awaiting the arrival of their new baby.

Thanks for checking in. Please remember sign the guestbook.

Love,
DeAnn

Saturday, February 11, 2006 9:02 AM CST

Hi,
Once again time has gotten away from me. It seems we don't have alot going and then all of a sudden we have lots going on. Robert will have his skin cancer removed on Monday. I am feeling okay. Just really tired. It's been 17 yrs since I have been pregnant! Yikes!!! I go to the Dr the first of March and I am hoping we will be able to hear the heart beat by then!

I have been remined too much this week how horrible Neuroblastoma can be. Last week I asked you to keep our friend Christi in your prayers. She still needs your prayers. This week I have learned of two kids we know here in Oklahoma, Noah and Kraleigh, who have relapsed. It such a horrible thing. They say ignorance is bliss. The first time around you are so "dumbfounded" you just do what your told, the second time around you know how bad it can be. You have already learned more than any parent should know about chemo and blood counts and test results. But most of all you are scared and so are your children. Please visit their websites and see these amazing kids and their families.

www.courageofgrace.com
www3.caringbridge.org/ok/noah

There are some great people who raise money for research and awareness for NB, please go to their sites and see how you can help too. There should be an Alex's Lemonade stand somewhere near where all of you live sometime in June. I helped with one in OKC in 2004, but was unable to help in 2005 due to Darren's health. I plan to be there this summer!

www.cncf-childcancer.org
www.alexslemonade.org

Please keep our friend Brian and his mom Elena in your prayers this week. They will be testing most of the week and deciding what course of action to take next. I received the best Valentine gift from Brian this week. Nothing beats a Valentine from a sweet little boy, thank you so much for knowing how much I miss Darren. Check out their website and give them some words of encouragement!

www.caringbridge.org/visit/brianbriscoe

Thanks for checking in on us! Sign the guestbook
Love
DeAnn

Saturday, February 11, 2006 9:02 AM CST

Thursday, February 2, 2006 3:23 PM CST

Hi everyone,

It seems like time gets away from me and I look up and it has been a too long since I have updated the site. I know how old that gets. I have several sites I read every day and it's always exciting to see new journal entries.

Our little friend Xander was blessed with really good test results this week. I am so happy for his continued health!

On one of our very first visits to Philadelphia, Darren and I met a wonderful family from Ohio. The Thomas family or the The Thomas Team as they like to refer to themselves consists of Shayne, Angela, Christi and Shayla. Christi has Neuroblastoma. They are an amazing family and Christi's dad became a great play station buddy for Darren. It sure helped to pass the time at the Ronald McDonald house for Darren. Many times when I was stumped as to what treatment to ask for or which one to choose, I would email Shayne ( who knows more than any parent should know about Cancer treatment) and say "what do you think" He helped with opinions more than once. They are an awesome family. It saddens me to ask you to pray for Christi, who is still fighting, her disease has taken off recently and she is in need of all the prayers you can offer. Please pray for pain to be under control and her disease to respond to the chemo they have started for her.

Please visit her site and offer a word of comfort to her family!

www.christithomas.blogspot.com

On a much more upbeat note, it makes me very happy and a little nervous to tell you all that I am PREGNANT. Yes, I said pregnant! I know that Darren would be so happy for us and he will be a wonderful big brother/guardian angel to this baby.

Thanks for checking in on us and remember to sign the guestbook.

Love
DeAnn

Thursday, February 2, 2006 3:23 PM CST

Sunday, January 22, 2006 7:11 PM CST

Hi everyone,

Sorry it has been so long since I updated. I guess that means our life must be pretty boring!!

If it isn't one thing it's something else with us. Robert has had a place on his face for quite some time and with everything that has happened we let it go too long. He went to the Dr. on Friday and we learned it is skin cancer and he will have to go back and have it removed. Of course, when you use the word Cancer with us we freak out. The Dr assured us it would be okay, it just needed to be removed. Now, for the bad part, he isn't supposed to work for at least a week or more! That could be interesting. He was told no heavy lifting, right! He delivers freight, that's all he does all day. Oh well, I am sure it will all work out all right.

We haven't lost anything at the cemetary lately, but, we haven't put anything worth taking out there either.

I worked yesterday and Robert spends alot of his spare time trying to get the race car ready. We are both looking forward to another season. I guess maybe I have it as bad as he does! We are pretty boring withouth races to go to on the weekend.

We were happy to hear that our friend Nick got great results on his testing a few weeks ago. It's always a sigh of relief when the testing is over for awhile.

My friend Jamie, a very brave women has decided to shave her head in memory of her beautiful son Cameron who passed away the day before Darren. She is participating in a fundraiser called St Baldricks, near St patrick's day where you actually shave your head to raise money. Please visit the link below and help support her team. Way to go Jamie, Cameron would be very proud of you!

http://www.stbaldricks.org/ShaveePhoto.asp?SolNumber=15327342

Thanks for stopping by. Please signe the guestbook

Love
DeAnn

Sunday, January 22, 2006 6:58 PM CST

Hi everyone,

Sorry it has been so long since I updated. I guess that means our life must be pretty boring!!

If it isn't one thing it's something else with us. Robert has had a place on his face for quite some time and with everything that has happened we let it go too long. He went to the Dr. on Friday and we learned it is skin cancer and he will have to go back and have it removed. Of course, when you use the word Cancer with us we freak out. The Dr assured us it would be okay, it just needed to be removed. Now, for the bad part, he isn't supposed to work for at least a week or more! That could be interesting. He was told no heavy lifting, right! He delivers freight, that's all he does all day. Oh well, I am sure it will all work out all right.

We haven't lost anything at the cemetary lately, but, we haven't put anything worth taking out there either.

I worked yesterday and Robert spends alot of his spare time trying to get the race car ready. We are both looking forward to another season. I guess maybe I have it as bad as he does! We are pretty boring withouth races to go to on the weekend.

We were happy to hear that our friend Nick got great results on his testing a few weeks ago. It's always a sigh of relief when the testing is over for awhile.

My friend Jamie, a very brave women has decided to shave her head in memory of her beautiful son Cameron who passed away the day before Darren. She is participating in a fundraiser called St Baldricks, near St patrick's day where you actually shave your head to raise money. Please visit the link below and help support her team. Way to go Jamie, Cameron would be very proud of you!

http://www.stbaldricks.org/location_detail.asp?citycode=USOKCO06St

Thanks for stopping by. Please signe the guestbook

Love
DeAnn

Monday, January 9, 2006 9:19 PM CST

Hi everyone,

I had a nice weekend. I went to Oklahoma City on Saturday and went shopping and saw my cousin Jenae. She has moved back to Oklahoma, and lucky for me, she lives 5 minutes from the mall!!

I spoke to the police about the missing items from the cemetary. I was told that due to the other missing items, they would be patrolling more often at the cemetary. I know they won't catch anyone stealing, but maybe it will prevent them from taking other items.

The weather has been beautiful and warm, but tonight it's finally raining outside! I have new flowers to put at Darren's grave site, but I decided to wait until after the rain is gone.

Well, I don't have much to say. Our lives are pretty boring these days. Robert is working on getting his race car put back together. Hopefully it will soon be racing season.

Please keep our friends in your prayers this week. Nick, who is testing, Christi, who has started a new treatment, and Cameron's family who will be celebrating his birthday tomorrow without him. I know how much they miss him.

Don't forget to sign the guestbook!!!!

Love
DeAnn

Monday, January 9, 2006 9:18 PM CST

Tuesday, January 3, 2006 8:52 PM CST

Hi,

Well, I guess you can see I have learned some new computer things. (Sorry Jamie, I stole your idea, I loved it!)

I have found out that we aren't the only ones that have been stolen from at the cemetary. It makes me feel a little better although I hate that other people are feeling as violated as we are. Hopefully the people will stop or better yet be caught.

I have been very thoughtful the past few days. It seems Darren fills my mind. I miss him too much for words to explain. My heart hurts and I wonder some days if it will always feel this way. As I said the other day, I'm not sure I want the pain to go away.

As the song says at the end, "things happens for a reason and you gotta have faith"

Please sign the guesbook so we know you were here

Love
DeAnn

Monday, January 9, 2006 9:01 PM CST

Tuesday, January 3, 2006 8:52 PM CST

Sunday, January 1, 2006 10:40 PM CST

Hello Everyone,

Happy New Year! I hope all of you had a nice holiday weekend.

Robert and I went to the cemetary this afternoon to discover someone has been stealing again! They stole a really pretty snow globe with an angel in it and a small verse on the base. My mom brought it for Darren when she came for Christmas. They also took a package of starburst and a dollar someone had left for him( not too suprised about losing the dollar). My grandparents were there around 5pm last night and we were there around 2pm today. When they were there the snowglobe was still there. The things were stolen between last night and this afternoon. I am just sick and really mad!! I imagine it is repeat offenders. I figure they found something good last time so they came back for more. I would love to know who is doing it, or better yet, catch them in the act. It sickens me to think people could actually steal from a child's grave, or anyone's grave for that matter. What they don't realize, is that is all we have, when we want to get Darren something, we leave it at his grave and some *#&*@ thinks they need it worse than he does. I am very angry this time and trying to figure out how to catch them!

Sorry, I had to vent a little. I hope everyone has a nice week. Please keep our friend Christi Thomas in your prayers as she embarks on a new treatment. She is a very brave little girl and a pioneer in a new treatment study!

Happy New Year
Love
DeAnn

Tuesday, December 27, 2005 8:16 PM CST

Hello,

Well, we survived the holiday. I won't say that we celebrated, but it was nice to spend time with my family. My mom gave me a beautiful locket with a picture of Darren in it for Christmas. I love having him that close to me. People have been so kind to us these past weeks. I guess people really don't forget.

Darren's stone is beautiful. As soon as I can get another picture of the back I will post it to the page. The quote we used was from his english journal last year. It was very fitting to his life.

Robert has been busy working on the race car. He is a little behind. This time off from racing has been really long this year. I am ready for racing season to start. Too bad we have 3 more months without it. I am not sure what we will do?????

I have enjoyed having a few days off. I will go back to work tomorrow. We are having Christmas with Robert's parents in Ponca City this weekend.

It is hard to believe that it is almost the start of a new year. It will be a new year without Darren, a year that Darren won't live in. They say that time eases the pain. I don't really know if I want the pain to go away. I am afraid if the pain is gone, so will be the memories. Right now I try to make it one day at a time and remember what an amazing boy Darren was, and how much I love him.

Please sign the guestbook so we know you were here. I hope you all have a happy new year. I hope this year brings the peace, health and healing we are all so desperately searching for.

Love
DeAnn

Saturday, December 24, 2005 10:18 PM CST

Christmas Without You

The lights are blinking merrily
The tinsel�s on the tree
It sits there in the window
For all the world to see.

The house is filled with holly
And pinecone scents the air
The Christmas cards keep coming
Each one is hung with care.

The gifts are tied with ribbons red
And topped with pretty bows
I�m done with all the details
As far as Christmas goes.

The fire is softly glowing
I think about your touch
But Christmas isn�t Christmas
I miss you oh, so much.

If I could have just anything
My Christmas wish would be
To wake up in the morning
And find you here with me.

Staring at your picture
I long to be set free
Tonight the tears are streaming
As I hold it next to me.

Flakes of snow swirl through the air
I�m braced for stormy weather
I wait for brighter days ahead
When we can be together.

So hold a place in heaven
Someday when life is through
I�ll be the Christmas angel
Who shares this day with you.

Saturday, December 24, 2005 10:18 PM CST

Friday, December 23, 2005 11:10 AM CST

Merry Christmas! I hope everyone has a nice holiday.

Darren's stone is finally here! It is beautiful!! I will add pictures of it as soon as I can.

Merry Christmas
Love
DeAnn

Monday, December 19, 2005 6:12 PM CST

Hi everyone,

Well, it's been another week. The reality of Christmas withouth Darren has hit me. Saturday was one of the worst days I have had in awhile. Sometimes I think I am prepared for each day and then while cleaning out our desk I found a mothers day card from Darren. The word Mom in his handwriting on the envelope started a crying session like I haven't had in quite some time. I am so sad and I get tired of pretending not to be.

I have done my shopping, but it just doesn't feel right. Other than seeing my family, I could just skip the whole holiday thing. I don't think I ever imagined how much it would hurt to lose Darren. I keep wondering what Darren would have wanted for Christmas. I am sure it would have been something for his pick up. He was always planning what he wanted for the next Christmas, or the next birthday.

Darren's stone is here. They worked on it over the weekend. They had planned on maybe getting it put up today, but I am sure with the bad weather they weren't able to get it up. We had to clean all of the stuff off of the grave yesterday. I hope they hurry so we can put his stuff back out.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. Remember to enjoy every moment of it. Make memories.

Love
DeAnn

Monday, December 12, 2005 3:55 PM CST

Hi everyone,

Time sure goes by quickly. It will be Christmas long before I am ready. Not only am I not ready emotionally, I haven't finished my shopping! Robert bought me a beautiful sapphire ring for Christmas. Sapphire was Darren's birth stone.

Last night was the Compassionate Friends Candle lighting. Many children were remembered. It was nice to be surrounded by people who know how you are feeling. This time of year can be so overwhelming, especially as we face our first Christmas without Darren.

Along with the trees we put at the cemetary, we put a grave blanket out. It is really pretty and something a little different. I am very saddened and somewhat angered by the fact that someone has been stealing from Darren's grave. I had put a solar powered light that looked like a rabbit out there to go with some other rabbits that someone had brought and it has been stolen along with some other mementos that had been placed at the grave. Why would someone steal from a cemetary? Better yet, did they make a special trip to see what they might find to steal, or did they happen to something they liked while visiting a grave? Either way it makes me sick. How can people live with themselves?

Thanks for checking in on us and your continued prayers on our behalf. The weeks ahead promise to be some of the toughtest yet.

Love
DeAnn

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 8:17 PM CST

Hi All!

I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. We had a nice day, of course we missed Darren. I don't think the full impact of having a holiday without Darren hit me until this week. It is just another thing we must do without him, and I hate it!

We were able to get one more day of racing in on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. It was an enduro race and the cars had to go 200 laps. The winner got $2500.00. My wonderful husband did an awesome job after having 2 flats in the first 10 laps. He managed to make up quite a few laps and finished 2nd,too bad 2nd place paid nothing!

I think people have a misconception that if you look fine and seem to have yourself together, that you are okay. People want to believe you are managing, because they don't know what to say or do for you. What most people don't know is that it is all an act. They don't see you cry every day on your way home from work, or everytime that song "Who you'd be Today" comes on the radio. I do my best not to make people feel uncomfortable, I know they feel helpless.

I went to a funeral the other day for a lady I know, who took treatment the same time as Darren at our local hospital. She had written a story about what she thought Heaven would be like. She told of everyone doing a job, something they loved, and asked what her job would be? She was told that many children came to Heaven before their parents and needed someone to look after them until their parents joined them. Watching over these children would be her job. She knew Darren well and was mindful that children suffer and die way too young in life. I hope she had him in mind when she wrote her story, and Brenda, I hope you are watching over my baby in Heaven!!

I try to keep my memories alive in my mind. Most days even the good memories bring tears. My mom and I put some Christmas trees up at the cemetery for Darren. The wind has blown 50mph since the day we took them out there. They were a little worse for the wear, but I figured I would wait to fix them until the wind dies down (if it ever does.

Thanks for checking in on us. Please remeber to sign the guestbook so we know you were here.
Keep those who are sick and still fighting, in you prayers this Holiday season.

Love,
DeAnn

Monday, November 21, 2005 8:55 PM CST

First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below,
With tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting in the snow

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear, for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear, but the sound of music can't compare with the choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring, for it is beyond description to hear the Angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart.

So be happy with me dear one, you know I hold you dear, and be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift, more precious than pure gold.

It was always most important in the story Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do, for I can't count the blessings or love that he has for you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Love,
Darren

Sunday, November 13, 2005 9:50 PM CST

Hi everyone,
Another week has passed. Tomorrow will mark 4 months since we lost Darren. I can't say living without him has gotten any easier, if anything these past weeks have been the hardest for me. I went into his room today to look for something and I did okay. I looked for it and left. If I allow myself, I can pick up every item and touch it and think of a memory related to it. I cleaned out the back of my car the other day and the pair of socks that Darren had on when we took him to the emergency room were stuck under some other stuff. I found myself in tears trying to see if I could smell him on the socks.

All the stores have Christmas out and are playing Christmas music. I am not able to enjoy it. I used to love Christmas, but it has lost it's appeal to me. I would rather help those in need so that they might have a great holiday. My feelings might be different if we had other children. Christmas loses much of it's excitement with a bunch of adults. My whole family will be coming for the holidays. It will be so nice for us all to be together, even if it isn't a celebration we will spend time together. Of course it will be hard to eat my grandma's peppernuts and her cranberry salad, two of Darren's favorite things. I had pumpking ice cream the other night, that was a tough one too, he loved it also.

The weather has been so nice and warm it is hard to imagine it is November. We went for a long walk today and wore short sleeves!

Please pray for our friends Brian and Xander, they will both be having scans this week. I know how trying those days can be, remember their parents in your prayers also, the strenth that God gives cancer parents is amazing, but it never hurts to ask for a little more help at difficult times.

Have a great week!
Love
DeAnn

Sunday, November 13, 2005 9:50 PM CST

Monday, November 7, 2005 6:01 PM CST

Hi everyone,
Wow how time gets away. The past few weeks have just flown by. This past weekend we raced here in Clinton. Robert broke the rear end in one of the qualifying races so we were spectators for the rest of the day on Sunday. We are through racing until Thanksgiving weekend. There will be a special race that weekend.

Please remember Worldwide Candle Lighting Day on Sunday December 11. It is to remember all the children who have died. Please light a candle for Darren.

I have been trying find some meaning for everything that has happened over the past year, and then I received an email and it became much clearer. I received an email from a friend requesting help for someone in need for the Christmas season. Most of you don't realize the toll that a sick child can take on your household. Of course I wanted to help, but what struck me most was the person asking hasn't had it easy lately either and yet she is trying to help others. Some of us are able to see past our own problems and to want to help those less fortunate than ourselves. Elena, you amaze me and I am proud to know you.

On that note, please find a way to give this holiday season. Find those who are less fortunate and in need. Of course, I have a special place in my heart for the cancer kids. If you are looking for a way to help. Contact Ally's House or the Oklahoma Children's Cancer Assoc. and find out what help they need. I am sure they would be very greatful, and so would I.

Not a day goes by for me without tears, some days I am laughing at a memory of Darren and before I know it the tears are flowing. Most days I do good to get through work, but many days I cry all the way home from work. I know the holidays will never be the same for us. I really don't look forward to Christmas this year. I know that the anticiaption of how bad it will be is actually worse than the day itself. At least that was how is birthday was.

Please sign the guestbook so we know you stopped by to check on us. I will try to update more often.

Love
DeAnn

Friday, October 28, 2005 7:35 PM CDT

I found this poem in the Compassionate Friends magazine and thought it was very appropriate for our situation. I am very grateful for Robert and so glad that he took such good care of us, so that I could be with Darren and take care of him.

Stepparents

Stepfathers are a rare breed
They are called upon to do the tough deeds
Saying "no" to the children when Mom wants to stay clean
leaving you as the bad guy and also called mean

No one stops to think of the love you have for the child
it's been going unnoticed for a long while
It's time we speak up and let others know
the children are also ours and we love them so

In tough times Moms reply "this is my child"
We don't retaliate because that's not our style
yes, Mom you gave them life, it's true
but we stepfathers gave our lives to them and to you

Please remember biological does not mean love
it's the gift of youself spreading your wings like a dove
protecting and nourishing the ones you love dear
while comforting their hearts and eliminating their fears

just remember we are grieving too
maybe as much as you, yes it's true
your tears may seem to come more frequently
but ours come mostly in secrecy

this is because we are grieving for two
our child and yes a life anew
we have lost our wives and the the life we once knew
it's unbelievable but unfortunately true

Just remember we love like you do
deep in our hearts and souls through and through
there is no "step" in a fathers love
WE ARE THE GUYS GOD SENT FROM ABOVE!

-by Wayne Bell

Hi everyone,
Wow!! I guess time flies. I would guess by now you are tired of reading my udate from 10 days ago.

We raced in Elk City last weekend and will race there again this weekend. They are having a 2 day race. There will be a 2 day race the following weekend here in Clinton, and after that just on special race here in Clinton over the Thanksgiving weekend. We laughed and wondered if the concession stand would serve turkey!!!

Things don't change much for us, other than our emotions of course. I have found myself pretty tearful these past few days. I know with the holidays coming it is going to be a hard time for us all.

Every where you look there are Christmas decorations out for sale. Darren liked Christmas as much as any kid. The fun was shopping for him and buying everything he wanted. He almost always knew what he was getting and it was hard for me not to give him some of it before Christmas.

We are still waiting on his headstone. I am hoping it will be here by Christmas. It will be so much nicer. We have a Compassionate Friends meeting tomorrow night. It is a group of people who have lost children of various ages for various reasons.

I promise to try to update a little more often. I know how it is to see the same thing all the time. I visit many sites often and am always excited to see something new.

Love
DeAnn

To my sweet Darren, I miss you terribly. I hope you are happy!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005 9:12 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
Wow!! I guess time flies. I would guess by now you are tired of reading my udate from 10 days ago.

We raced in Elk City last weekend and will race there again this weekend. They are having a 2 day race. There will be a 2 day race the following weekend here in Clinton, and after that just on special race here in Clinton over the Thanksgiving weekend. We laughed and wondered if the concession stand would serve turkey!!!

Things don't change much for us, other than our emotions of course. I have found myself pretty tearful these past few days. I know with the holidays coming it is going to be a hard time for us all.

Every where you look there are Christmas decorations out for sale. Darren liked Christmas as much as any kid. The fun was shopping for him and buying everything he wanted. He almost always knew what he was getting and it was hard for me not to give him some of it before Christmas.

We are still waiting on his headstone. I am hoping it will be here by Christmas. It will be so much nicer. We have a Compassionate Friends meeting tomorrow night. It is a group of people who have lost children of various ages for various reasons.

I promise to try to update a little more often. I know how it is to see the same thing all the time. I visit many sites often and am always excited to see something new.

Love
DeAnn

To my sweet Darren, I miss you terribly. I hope you are happy!

Sunday, October 16, 2005 8:41 PM CDT

Hi everyone,

I promised myself no poem this time. You will get to read my own words of wisdom. Ha Ha

Friday Robert and I went to OKC to watch the races at the Fairgrounds and had a good time. Saturday it was off to Enid to the races. Robert's car was awesome and he did a great job. He started pretty far to the back and was able to finish in sixth place. That is good in Enid, they have alot of good drivers and fast cars there.

Our good friend Johnie Rauschenberg, who races in Enid won the points championship Saturday night and made a victory lap in memory of Darren as the announcer told about Darren and his battle with cancer. The championship was dedicated to Darren. It is wonderful to have such great friends. Darren loved Johnie and would have loved that he did that for him.

I belong to an online support group and have been talking to other moms who have lost children. It is so hard to believe that no 2 moms feel the same or have the same grieving process. We all feel the same horrible void by the loss of our child, but losing them at different ages and for different reasons brings about a wide variety of emotions. So it is safe to say, I don't know exactly how you feel, but I know how much it hurts.

Well, another week is looming ahead. We passed the 3 month anniversary of Darren's death on Friday. Some days it feels as though it was just yesterday. The pain stays the same, sometimes I have a better handle on it than others.

Thanks for checking in on us, please sign the guestbook so I know you were here. Please keep all of our friends who are still battling this horrible disease in your prayers. Pray also that they find a way to cure childhood cancer, or at best control it.

Love
DeAnn

Friday, October 7, 2005 7:16 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
It is the end of another week. Most of the time things stay the same for us. We are still waiting for Darren's stone to arrive and we are hoping that it will be here before Christmas.

We are still racing and will until it gets to cold. It is nice to have something to keep us busy.

Someone very special said on her website that she didn't write quotes or verses or poems. She has a child to write about and we all want updates so we are glad she doesn't have to come up with other things to say.

So on that note...... I have another poem to share with you. I hope you don't get tired of reading them and hopefully I will have something more exciting in my next journal entry!

LETTER FROM HEAVEN

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say.

But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.

I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God

above. Here, there's no more tears of sadness; Here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.

Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night.

That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was

through. God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you.

It's good to have you back again, you were missed while

you were gone. As for your dearest family, They'll be here later on.

There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man."

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to

do. And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.

And when you lie in bed at night the day's chores put to

flight. God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving

years. Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.

But do not be afraid to cry: it does relieve the pain. Remember

there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.

If I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.

But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is

o'er. I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to

climb; But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too;

That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain;

Then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."

And now I am contented....that my life was worthwhile.

Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low;

Just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.

When you're walking down the street and you've got Me on

your mind; I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go....from that body to be

free. Remember you're not going.....you're coming here to Me.

Richard Mahaffey

Copyright 1995

I believe what the poems says is true.

Love
DeAnn

Tuesday, October 4, 2005 8:27 PM CDT

Hi
It seems I don't have anything much to say these days. Things are pretty much the same for us.

Robert got his car back together and we went to Tulsa Saturday night. He started in the back and finished 3rd. Not too bad!

I want to share a poem with you.

TO ALL PARENTS
"I'll lend you, for a little while,
a child of mine,"He said
"For you to love while he lives
and mourn when he is dead.
It may be six or seven
years, or twenty-two or three, but will you
till I call him back,
take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you
and shall his stay be brief,
you'll have his lovely memories
as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
as all from earth return
but there are lessons taught down there
that I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over
in my search for teachers true,
and from the throngs that crown life's lanes,
I have selected YOU.
Now will you give him all your love
-not think the labor vain
nor hate me when I come to call
to take him back again."
I fancied that I heard them say
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For all the joys thy child will bring
The risk of grief we'll run.
We will shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may---
And for the happiness we've known
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand."
Written By: Edgar A. Guest
(from "All In a Lifetime"--Copyright, 1938)

Love
DeAnn

Monday, September 26, 2005 8:40 PM CDT

Hi everyone,

Thought I better update, I am sure you are tired of the same post for so long.

We had a good weekend, we went to OKC Saturday night and spent the night and went to the fair on Sunday. Even though we had a good time it was a little sad. Darren loved to stay in hotels. He always wanted to go somewhere just so he could stay, one of his favorites was the vending machines. He knew where all the vending machines were everywhere we went.

My job is still going good. Robert is about to get his race car put back together. Hopefully we will be back at the races soon. I don't know what we will do when it is winter and we have to sit at home every weekend.

This has been an especially rough week for me. I miss Darren more than I can put into words. He left a penny for me today. As soon as I saw it I knew it was from him. Gentle reminders that he is always with me.

Please keep all the children who still must battle this beast in your prayers.

Love
DeAnn

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 8:40 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
Things are pretty much the same around here. We spent the weekend going to the races here in Clinton. They had a $20,000.00 to win race. On Sunday before the A Feature they did a special tribute to Darren. When the Modifieds come out for the feature in a big show they go around the track 4 wide. One of the cars on the front row carried a flag with "In Memory of Darren" written on it. It was very touching. They also had a special tribute page in the program. We have some awesome friends.

Robert is getting the car put back together slowly but surely. It gives him something to occupy his time. We are going to the State Fair this weekend. The weeks seem to fly by. Before long it will be Christmas, something I am not looking forward to. I was looking at a magazine the other day with Christmas trees in it. I don't much see the point of putting one up. I think I will get one for Darren at the cemetary though. He loved Christmas.

I mentioned in my last journal that I was looking for signs from Darren. For those of you who don't know, a dragon fly has a very special meaning to those of us who have lost children. Yesterday while walking from one building to another at work I saw 2 dragon flies swarming around my ankle. I kept walking and looked down again and saw tons of dragon flies. There were probably 50 or more. I stood there in awe with tears in my eyes. I think Darren needed a little help to reach out to me and all of his friends in heaven were showing him the way. What a moment!! I am going to share the story of the dragon fly with you.

The Dragonfly Story

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water
bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For
many
months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the
bottom of
the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their
colony
seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to
the
stem of a pond lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no
more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another, "One of our colony is
climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she's going?" Up, up,
up it
slowly went... Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from
sight.
Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return...

"That's funny!" said one water bug to another... " Wasn't she happy
here?"
asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a
third... No
one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled.

Finally one of the water bugs gathered its friends together. "I have
an
idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise
to come
back and tell us where he or she went and why." "We promise" they
said
solemnly.

One spring day not long after the very water bug who had suggested
the
plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went.
Before
he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the
water
and fallen into the broad and free lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe
what he
saw. A startling change had come over his old body. His movement
revealed
four silver wings and a long tail.

Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings... The
warmth
of the sun soon dried the moisture from his new body. He moved his
wings
again and suddenly found himself above the water.

He had become a dragonfly. Swooping and dipping in great curves, he
flew
through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere.

By and by the new dragonfly landed happily on a lily pad to rest.
Then it
was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he
was
right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were
scurrying
around, just as he had been doing some time before.

Then the dragonfly remembered the promise. without thinking, the
dragonfly
darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced
away.
Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least I tried. But I can't
keep
my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would
know
me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become
dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and
where I went."

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of
sun
and air...

I miss my precious boy and hope he is enjoying how to use his new wings in HIS world of sun and air.

Thanks for checking in on us. Please sign the guestbook so we know you were here.

Keep all of our friends who are still battling this horrible disease in your prayers.

Love,
DeAnn

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 8:28 PM CDT

Hi All,
Today is the two month anniversary of Darren's death. It has been eight short weeks, yet it feels like an eternity. I don't think I will every get used to life as it is now.

We made it through Darren's birthday. I won't say we did well with it, but we managed. Robert and I were laughing about Darren getting his driver's license when the price of gas was over $3. He would have broken us the first month. I asked Robert how long it would have been until Darren asked for his own gas credit card. Ha Ha We would have gladly paid whatever it took to see him driving all over town enjoying his license.

This week has hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess the roller coaster ride is far from over. I have felt enormous grief this week. I have had a hard time sleeping and find myself lying awake thinking of Darren. I believe the reality of life without him is finally sinking in. I have found some good books to read. I am learning that Darren may be giving me signs, I just need to open up to see more of them. For those of you who have lost someone close to you I think you know exactly what I am talking about. For those of you who don't know what I am talking about, you probably think I have lost my mind. LOL

Work is still good. It is nice to have something to keep my mind busy, at least during the day. Robert is through racing for the season. The car was torn up pretty bad last Saturday night. So we will only be spectators for the rest of the season. We can't sit at home, the walls start to close in on both of us. We do better if we get out on the weekends.

The following is a quote from the book "Love Never Dies"

Hope

When the sun sits down on the mountains and the clouds turn purple and pink
and golden rays send fingers out to touch me,
I stop breathing and inhale with my heart
because I know
that along those glittering strands of light
lies my connection to you.

Hope is a funny word. I don't really know what I hope for anymore. Maybe time will tell.

Love,
DeAnn

Tuesday, September 6, 2005 7:18 AM CDT

My dear sweet Darren,

Wow!! Today is your birthday. 16 years old!!! I know you are driving all over the streets of heaven.

I can't believe time goes by so quickly. It seems just yesterday that you were going to kindergarten. This was to have been the most glorious day of your short life and instead the most glorious day of your life was July 14th when you gained your angel wings and went to heaven.

My biggest regret is that you will not experience getting your drivers license here with us. I know how much you were looking forward to that. I was terrified of you driving, but knowing how much it meant to you, I would have found a way to get past that.

Chris has been going to the races with us a lot. We really like it when he comes. I know you would like that he has been coming with us also. We all miss you so much.

Grandma Pam came for your birthday, she misses you too.
We put really nice flowers out for you at the cemetery. I would have much rather bought you the best pair of shock shoes made!!! But I bet in heaven you have an endless supply.

I miss you more than words can say......
Every minute of every day I think of you. There is nothing that Robert and I do that we don't say, boy, I bet Darren would have loved that, or how much fun you would have had doing something with us. Our house is so quiet without you coming and going all the time. You went 100 miles an hour all the time, even the times that you didn't feel very well.

My heart aches and my arms are empty. Each day is a challenge for me. You will always live in my heart and in my mind. I miss you my most precious boy.

I love you to the moon and the stars and back again!!!
Happy Birthday My Love.

Love,
Mom

Monday, September 5, 2005 6:16 PM CDT

My dear sweet Darren,

Wow!! Tomorrow is your birthday. 16 years old. I can't believe time goes by so quickly. It seems just yesterday that you were going to kindergarten. This was to have been the most glorious day of your short life and instead the most glorious day of your life was July 14th when you gained your angel wings and went to heaven.

My biggest regret is that you will not experience getting your drivers license. I know how much you were looking forward to that. I was terrified of you driving, but knowing how much it meant to you, I would have found a way to get past that.

Chris has been going to the races with us alot. We really like it when he comes. I know you would like that he has been coming with us also. We all miss you so much.

Grandma Pam came for your birthday, she misses you too.
We put really nice flowers out for you at the cemetary. I would have much rather bought you the best pair of shock shoes made!!! But I bet in heaven you have an endless supply.

I miss you more than words can say......
Every minute of every day I think of you. There is nothing that Robert and I do that we don't say, boy, I bet Darren would have loved that, or how much fun you would have had doing something with us. Our house is so quiet without you coming and going all the time. You went 100 miles an hour all the time, even the times that you didn't feel very well.

My heart aches and my arms are empty. Each day is a challenge for me. You will always live in my heart and in my mind. I miss you my most precious boy.

I love you to the moon and the stars and back again!!!

Love,
Mom

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 10:22 PM CDT

Hi Everyone,

Things are pretty much the same for us. We go through the motions. I never new that grief had so many facets. I have read about people who laugh and then feel guilty. It's funny, most of what I have read I have experienced in some way or another.

We are looking forward to racing again this weekend. We will actually be racing in Clinton!! No driving, which is a good thing considering the price of gas.

I am happy to say that Darren has a very nice temporary stone now. I have ordered a very nice arrangement to put at the cemetary for his birthday. Not quite what he and I had planned. We planned to be taking a driver's test and getting his license. That is my biggest regret. I wanted him to experience that so badly.

I hope all of you have a great holiday weekend. I started my new job just in time to get a 4 day weekend. I have Friday off also. Please remember to sign the guestbook.

The mind has a dumb sense of vast loss-
that is all. It will take mind and memory
months and possibly years to gather the
details and know the whole extent of the loss.

- Mark Twain

Love,
DeAnn

Saturday, August 27, 2005 9:40 AM CDT

Hi,

I am so happy to know by all the messages, that you are all still checking in on us. I look several times each day to see what has been posted. I finally have the picture thing figured out and I am enjoying being able to change them regularly. I'm sure for you regulars, you are glad to see new pictures also.

Darren's birthday is coming up soon. He would have been sixteen and would have gotten his drivers liscense on September 8th. He told me not long before he died we needed to be sure and call and make an appointment for his driving test so that he would for sure get his liscense on the day he was supposed to. He didn't want to wait any longer than he had to!!! That is really my biggest regret. I wanted him to experience that so badly. We had gotten him another pick up, yes his second one, a littler newer. We were to go and pick it up on the Sunday that he got so sick. He was so excited.

I like to share my memories of Darren, it's just at this point every memory brings tears. Not always sad ones. Sundays are the worst day of the week for me. I guess that is because it's the day he got so sick. Robert and I are going to OKC tomorrow for the day. I am hoping that helps ease the pain a little.

Well, I am on my way to the gym. That helps too to keep me fit and occupy my time. Thanks again for checking in on us and please remember to sign the guestbook.

Love and hugs,
DeAnn

Tuesday, August 23, 2005 9:03 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
I finally added new pictures. It took a while, but I figured it out. The job is still going good. I still look forward to going everyday.

It's the after work that I am having a hard time with. People say it will get easier, but I don't seem to know how. The rain we have had over the past week hasn't helped my moods any too much.

I have met a couple of really nice people in my support groups on the internet and I finally feel I have found people who understand what I am going through.

We are hoping to be able to race this Saturday night. We have driven many miles over the past 2 weekends only to get there and the races are rained out. We enjoy Darren's good friend Chris going and have enjoyed having Colby come along also.

I am not much for words today, but as I read on another mom's website, her only words in her post were

I hurt.

I think that pretty well sums it up for today, and many other days as well.

Take care and please remember to sign the guestbook

Love,
DeAnn

Thursday, August 18, 2005 10:03 PM CDT

Hi All,
Things are about the same here for us. My job is still great. I actually look forward to going to work each day, but, then again tomorrow will only be my 5th day. Ask me again in a few weeks or months. LOL I hope you enjoy the following poem as much as I did.

MY MOM IS A SURVIVOR
My mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.

But I hear her crying at night, when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.

She doesnt know I'm with her to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach that never wash away,

I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others.. a smile of disquise.

But through Heaven's door, I see the tearsflowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive

But anyone who knows her, knows it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom, through Heaven's open door,

I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.

But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance, go visit her and show her you care,

for no matter what she says, no matter what she feels,

My surviving mom has a broken heart, that time will never heal!

-Author Unknown..

Our friend Xander got good bone marrow results, his bone marrow is clear, they are still waiting for cat scan results. Please pray for them, please pray also for our dear friend Christi Thomas. We met her family when Darren was treating in Philly. They are an awesome family. Christi has had a large amount of disease progression in the past few weeks. She will be starting 4th grade this year.

Please also remember to keep all the kids in your prayers. No child should have to endure what these kids face. I also ask you to pray for all the special Moms and Dads who so faithfully care for these kids each day. People always say to me, "I don't know how you did it", I did what every other Mother does or would do when faced with this horrible beast.

So much for my rambling for one night! Please sign the guest book.

Love,
DeAnn

Tuesday, August 16, 2005 10:08 PM CDT

Hi All,
It's been a few days since I updated. The weekend was really long and difficult for me. It rained and I guess that didn't help my mood much. I spent some time in Darren's room. I mostly just looked and touched his things. I found some silly stuff where he had just doodled and written his name. Those things really mean alot to me now. I want to always remember his hand writing and I have him laughing on a cassette tape. It is literaly music to my ears.

Enough of that, for those of you who know, I started a new job yesterday. I have to say I am really enjoying it. I like being busy all day and I am enjoying what I do and the people in my office. I am really relieved that I like my job.

I am going to enclose a quote from a book that a woman in my support group read and shared with us. The woman who wrote the book lost her son to cancer and his name was Kraig. I felt it had great meaning for me.

Name of the chapter was A Time to Mourn:

Death can take away shiny, golden blond hair, it can take away the brightest, bluest eyes I've ever seen, and a smile that lights up the world; it can take away a pair of legs that used to run and jump and climb; it can even take away the spoken "I love you's" that melted my heart. But it can never take away love. Just as the love for your children grows with each passing day so, also, that love continues to increase through death into eternal life. I love Kraig more today than I did yesterday or the day before. With Love, there s no beginning or end.

Author Marion Lee

Thank you all for keeping up with us. It is amazing how many people think of us and pray for us. Pleas don't stop! We need all the prayers we can get.

Also, please pray for our friend Xander, he had a bone marrow biopsy today and will have a ct scan on Thursday. He is currently NED and we pray that he stays that way. Please pray for our friend Kraleigh who starts new medicine and continue to pray for our friends Nick and Brian who are keeping up the fight as well. It is amazing that all of these children have Neuroblastoma and yet it is referred to as a "rare cancer". I guess that is something I will never understand.

Thanks again, and remember to sign the guest book, we love to read all the kind words.

Love,
DeAnn

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 1:52 PM CDT

Hi All,
You will all be glad to know that today is a better day and my journal entry will be much more upbeat.

Yesterday I went to make sure the granite had been ordered for Darren's headstone ( I thought it was done 3 weeks ago).
It is finally on it's way. It is black granite being shipped from India. They said it would take up to 4 months to get here. They will be putting a temporary marker there until the other one gets here.

We took our dogs out to the cemetary to see Darren the other night. Our Laso Aphso, Angel made a crying noise the entire time we were there. I am not sure if it was a coincidence or if she knew and was just sad.

As I mentioned, once I got out of the house this week things have been better. I won't say great, but better. I still have many moments each day. The voice mail on my cell phone (which was Darren's number) still has his voice on it. I can't bear to part with it. I have a voice recorder in my car, and Darren forever was saying something funny or dumb, just to hear himself talk. I got a tape recorder out and was going to transfer it over so I would be able to keep the sound of his voice. I tried to play it and apparently at some time or other the car lost power or the battery lost power and all the recordings were lost. I was very upset about that.

I do have some very good new to share with you all(No, I am not pregnant lol) I have a new full time job. I will be working at Bar S foods here in Clinton as an Admin Asst and Payroll clerk. I just found out this afternoon and I will start on Monday. Good money, great benefits and health insurance. Boy, could Robert and I both use that! With both of us being self-employed it is expensive for health insurance.

I enjoy your messages in the guestbook and hope you all keep posting in it. Please read the poem the mom from Italy left in the guesbook. It was entitled "The Cord" and it had a very special meaning to me.

I am reading grief books and welcome any suggestions
any of you might have.

I hope to have been a little more positive today. It has been such an emotional roller coaster. Some days are up and some days are down. I try to keep my memories close and think of good things often.

Love to you all,
DeAnn

Sunday, August 7, 2005 3:23 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
This has been a really long weekend for me. If this is any indication, I am still in my PJs.

We went to the races last night and Robert won. It just isn't the same without Darren being there. Of course, Chris went and another friend of Darren and Chris, Colby went along too. It is nice to have them around, but sometime it hurts knowing Darren will never be able to go with us again.

I am struggling with the not being anyone's mom thing. Everyone says you will always be Darren's mom and I know that is true, but it isn't the same. Being a mom is having someone need you and love you like no one else does. I no longer have that. I feel somewhat lost in that department. I see people school shopping and it really hits home for me. I wish all of those moms who are arguing and complaining about clothes and supplies would stop and take a breath and know how lucky they are to be there with their kids, even if they are arguing. As I mentioned earlier, I am having a pity party today.

I have started back at the gym regularly and I sure feel better and it keeps my evenings occupied until Robert gets home from work. I am still not cooking much. I am hoping in time that will happen. I haven't been to the grocery store in about 6weeks. It's not a wonder I don't cook, we don't have any food in the house. LOL

Well, I can wollow (sp???) in self pity or get up and take a shower. I think I opt for the shower, Robert is taking me out to eat and to a movie tonight. Some days are just worse for me than others. Once the week starts and I am out of the house all day it will ease up a little.
Thanks for checking in on us, sorry to be such a downer today.

Love,
DeAnn

Tuesday, August 2, 2005 3:24 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
I found this poem in one of the books I am reading and wanted to share it with you all. Make every day count!!

The Dash
I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning - to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For the dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth....
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own:
The cars.....the house....the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard...
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
(you could be at "dash mid-range")

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel

And be less quick to anger
and appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before

If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile...
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read
with your life actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent your dash?
-Linda M Ellis

Love,
DeAnn please keep Kraleigh and Nick in your prayers

Monday, August 1, 2005 9:32 AM CDT

Good Morning to you all,
I know some of you enjoying keeping up with us, so I am trying to post something at least once a week.

The weekend was very hard for me. We went to the races Saturday night and it was really hard. Darren was so important and such a driving force to the racing hobby that is was difficult to go without him. Everyone there was so nice to us. There have been memorial stickers made that drivers at several different tracks have put on their race cars. It is so nice to see we have so many friends and so many people that loved Darren. Darren's good friend Chris went with us, it is so nice to have him around.

I have found a support group called Compassionate Friends on the internet and it was mentioned to me by my friend Jamie. A couple we know lost their son in a horrible car accident and I asked them if they had been to the group and she said they were the grief counselors who started the chapter in Western Oklahoma. That will certainly make it easier for Robert and I to go. We missed the meeting this past Thursday, so we will have to wait a few weeks to go.

I am reading some grief books and have found a wonderful online support group for grieving mothers. It all helps, but I have learned nothing will ever truly make life the same as it was. School will start soon and that will be really hard. I enjoy seeing Darren's friends and would rather see them than avoid them. I hope they know as much as it hurts to see them, in a small way it just reminds me of what a great boy Darren was.

Please pray for our friend Nick who is having scans done this week and also for our Friend Kraleigh who didn't have such good news this past week. Your thoughts and prayers go further and bring more comfort than you could possibly know.

Love and hugs,
DeAnn

Wednesday, July 27, 2005 11:50 AM CDT

Hi everyone,
Well, I guess life does go on... I have managed to keep my days busy by going to my office. It helps not to sit at home all day. I had some continuing education that neeeded to be done and I have finished it all up. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you are trying to keep you mind busy.

I can't say the same thing about being at home, I haven't cooked a meal in weeks (poor Robert, he has been so good to me)and I have a really hard time getting laundry into the washer, then the dryer and getting it folded. I manage to do a little at a time.

School will be starting soon, that will be a hard time for all of us. When Darren was in school our lives just seemed to be more normal. Nothing in our lives seems to be normal right now and maybe never will.

We hope to make it to the race track this weekend. Robert has kept busy working on the car and has included Darren's good friend Chris. He has become a memeber of the family and it is so nice to have him still be around. We are looking forward to him continuing to go to the races with us. I know all of this has been hard for him also. He and Darren spent so much time together every day.

Thanks so much to all of you who continue to leave messages in the guestbook. It is nice to know you are all thinking of us. I finally managed to get the pictures loaded, so please take a look.

Thanks again for all the prayers and words of encouragement, we would be lost without all of you.

Love,
DeAnn

Sunday, July 24, 2005 8:20 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
I am not sure how many people still check in on us. But I thought I would let you know that we are managing to make it one day at a time.

It is so quiet around our house. Robert and I went to OKC on Friday night for his 30th birthday. We went out to eat and spent the night. He took me to get my nails done on Saturday morning. I used to con Darren into letting me get them done either on the way to or from the doctor. Robert said Darren must have loved me alot to sit there while I got my nails done!

We went to the races in Elk City last night and watched. It was nice to see everyone and they were all so nice. Robert still doesn't have his car ready to go yet. Darren was such a driving force keeping everyone motivated and working on the car. He loved going to the races every weekend and had so many friends at each race track we race at. The first weekend to race without him will be very emotional for us all. They had a very special tribute in memory of Darren a couple of weeks ago at Elk City. Everyone said it was very emotional. It was so nice of them and Darren would have loved it!

I feel as though I am rambling on. Please check out the new picures I have finally managed to add to the page.

Thanks for stopping by. Please keep us in your prayers that we find the strenght to live each day and honor what a special boy Darren was.

Love,
DeAnn

Wednesday, July 20, 2005 10:48 AM CDT

Dear Family and Friends,

It has been a really long few days. Darren's service on Monday was Awesome. So many people loved him and it was evident by the number of people who attended and the numerous flowers and plants we have received.

Thank you so much Jamie for coming. I know how hard it must be for your family as well. Jamie mentioned on her site that people were having a hard time talking to her. I too feel that way some of the time. It is hard for all of us, but we all need to look back at all the wonderful memories we each have of Darren and share them.

My mom has been able to stay all week to help and my cousin/friend Jenae has been a tremendous help also. Robert has been an absolute rock even though I know he is hurting too. The days are long and quiet, no rush trips to Oklahoma City or worrying about Darren's health. It will take a while to get used to it. But, then again, maybe I never will.

Thanks to all of you who have helped, left messages, sent things and prayed for us. Continue to keep us in your prayers as we learn how to live our new life.

"God Saw You"

God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not to be,
So He put his arms around you,
and whispered, "Come to Me"

With tearful eyes we watched you,
and saw you pass away, although
we loved you dearly, we could not
make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating
your beautiful smile was put to
rest. God broke our hearts to prove
to us, He only takes the best!

Thanks Again for everthing,
DeAnn

Thursday, July 14, 2005 5:39 PM CDT

It breaks my heart to tell you that Darren went to be with Jesus this afternoon. He is no longer suffering the effects of his disease. He is happy and healthy again. Although those things are comforting it still really hurts.

We are thinking the service will be Monday afternoon here in Clinton at the First Baptist Church.

Thanks to all of you who have kept Darren in your prayers. He was a most amazing boy who was loved by many people.

Love,
DeAnn and all of Darren's family

Wednesday, July 13, 2005 11:45 AM CDT

Hi Everybody,
I guess most of you must know by now that Darren is having a very rough time. On Sunday morning he woke up and was not well at all. We took him to the ER in Clinton and his blood pressure was extremely low. They got him stablized and were able to medi flight him to Children's in Oklahoma City.

His blood pressure problems are unexplained to us. They would think that some sort of an infection is causing the problems with his pressure. They have drawn blood cultures and nothing has shown up as of yet. As you know his port was replaced on Friday and we feel (our own opinion) that is must be related in some way.

He was on medicine to keep his pressure up and has been weened slowly off of that until he is no longer getting it. He has the aid of a breathing machine, and dialysis was started yesterday because his one an only kidney was doing so much work it just couldn't keep up. All of his vital signs appear to be stable and acceptable. He is not having any pain and is resting comfortably at this time.

We don't know what will come next. He is very sick right now and we would appreciate all the prayers that you all have to give.

As I have time, I will let you know what is happening.

Thanks for checking in on us.

Love,
DeAnn

Saturday, July 9, 2005 10:17 AM CDT

Hi Everybody,
What a really long couple of days Darren and I have had.
We went to clinic on Thursday and miracle of all miracles his platelets had come up on their own from 4,000 to 13,000. As I have said before, We will take it anyway we can get it. White count was not wonderful, but the decision was made to move ahead and get the port on Friday morning. (or so I thought morning)

We were admitted, they had no room for us. We lounged in the hallway with all of our bags for awhile and finally housekeeping came and cleaned a room for us.

Darren had 2 units of platelets that went well. Then they were going to give him a bag and 1/2 of blood. His hemoglobin wasn' really too low, just with the surgery they wanted to give him a bump. First bag went great. Then they started the second bag. Within 5 minutes Darren knew something was wrong and asked them to turn it off. His eyes will puff at the first sign of reaction and sure enough one was puffing. He hasn't reacted to blood in about 4 years. I sure hope we aren't starting a new trend! With all the platelet problems he has we don't need to add this to it.

When we were admitted to the floor we were told surgery would be at 1:45, so much for the morning. Mr "dr pepper" did not like going without food or drink from midnight until what turned out to be 2:30 the next afternoon. The port removal and replacement went well. He will be a little sore for a few days. Not like just putting one in or taking one out they were doing both.

I was a little upset with the recovery room nurses, our surgeon came out and said everything went well and recovery will call you in about 15 minutes or so and you can go back and be with him. 45 minutes later I found a nurse in the all (you can imagine what is going through my head) and she said he is fine and awake, they are trying to stick him for blood to do a cbc. 15 minutes later I headed on back to recovery without being invited. They looked suprised to see me barge in. I told them how concerned I had been. I am not sure they really cared. They were having too much fun using Darren like a pin cushion. Finally a new nurse came over and said "do you mind if I try". Sure why not, everyone else has! She had the magic touch and was able to get blood drawn.(the iv started in surgery would not draw blood and they had not left his port accessed after trying it in surgery, we will let it heal a little.)

So after much waiting we were allowed to go back to our hospital room about 6pm.We went to surgery at 2pm. Long day for poor Darren. He had some IV pain meds for the pain and when they took effect he had an oral pain med and we headed home about 9pm. We made it home around 10:30 after we had our stop at McDonalds. When you have both been NPO since midnight (it's a team thing, I wouldn't dare eat too much or drink in front of him and it's funny I worry so much during the surgery when I finally can eat or drink it doesn't occur to me to do so)

He is still a little sore but doing okay. He will have 3 weeks off this time instead of 2 so that he can go to church camp. He and Robert will soon begin working on a pick up we have gotten him. It needs some repair, but should be ready for the big "16" I know he is so excited. We are just happy to see another wonderful milestone in his life.

Sorry to have been so long winded today. Thank you all for keeping track of us through the site and thank you for all your prayers, AND PLEASE REMEMBER TO SIGN THE GUESTBOOK SO WE KNOW THAT YOU WERE HERE!

Love to you all,
DeAnn

Wednesday, July 6, 2005 9:56 AM CDT

Hi Everybody!

Darren had his blood checked here at home yesterday. His counts could sure be alot better. He has been taking shots for his white count since Saturday and as of yet, they haven't given him a boost. His platelets (stop you from bleeding for those of you who don't know) were 4,000. A normal persons should be around 190,000, so as you can see not very good. We have been transfusing under 10,000 but after my call to the clinic yesterday we were told to wait until "he bleeds", it just depends on which Dr. is there when you call. They are still concerned with his reactions and want to use them more sparingly.

I would reall like to pack him in pillows and make him lay on the sofa all day. Too bad he is almost 16 and would throw a horrible fit if I even attempted it! He wanted to go to a friends last night to spend the night and I told him the friend would have to come to our house.

The ambrotose is still not working for us. I just can't get him to drink it. It nauseates him and I don't want him to get sick from drinking it each time. I am looking for other alternatives!!! If it truly has magical powers, we are in big trouble!!!

We are still planning on being admitted to the hospital tomorrow and getting the Port on Friday. They told me we would see what his counts are when we get there and then go from there.

Please keep our friends Cameron and his parents Jamie and Mike in your prayers. I have added his web address to the bottome of the page. Please also pray for our friend we met in Philly, Christi Thomas, they are waiting on test results. They are an inspirational and amazing family.

Thanks for stopping by to check on us. And again, please remember to sign the guest book so we know you were here. Darren likes to read the messages people leave for him.

Love,
DeAnn

Monday, July 4, 2005 2:47 PM CDT

Happy 4th Everybody!!!!

We are having a very restful long weekend. Darren had platelets on Friday and had a slight reaction. We stayed for a couple of hours to make sure the symptoms went away.

Darren started GCSF shots on Saturday to increase his white cell count for the port replacement on Friday. Right now his biggest complaint is a really bad sore on the side of his tongue. I am hoping some normal doctoring at home will take care of it. With his blood counts the way they are who knows???

We hopefully won't go back to clinic until Thursday afternoon to be admitted to the hospital for his port replacement on Friday morning.

I am trying to finish a roll of film today so that I can get new pictures on the sight sometime this week.

We are having a cookout tonight complete with homemade ice cream ( I am cookin the eggs!!!) Darren and his friends will be shooting fireworks again tonight. They didn't burn up enough money last night. LOL

I hope everyone had a safe and enjoyable weekend. Please keep our friend Cameron and his mom and dad in your prayers. Cameron's disease has spread and due to the extent it has spread he will be unable to do anymore treatment. They are at home keeping him comfortable and enjoying as much time with him as they can.

Please remember to sign the guest book.

Thanks for stopping by.

Love,
DeAnn

Thursday, June 30, 2005 11:32 AM CDT

Hi Everybody,

Okay, well so much for wishful thinking..... We went to Children's yesterday to do xrays on Darren's port and when they shot the dye into it, the dye came out the side. Didn't take my mom and I with our untrained eye to know that was not a good thing!! The port no longer works.

We did labs at clinic before the xray and Darren's hbg was 7.9 just low enough to get a transfusion. Platelets were 13,000, just high enough NOT to need a transfusion.

We were lucky that the hospital floor had very few patients and Darren was able to get admitted for his blood before coming home. We were admitted around 11:30 went over to the floor, got an IV started (since he has no port to use) and finally got his blood around 4:30. They did his blood before his chemo so we didn't end up leaving until around 10:30pm UGH! I think Grandma Pam was wishing she hadn't volunteered to go along. She is here visiting us and my Grandparents for a few days. We were glad to have her company yesterday.

So... our next plan of action will be to do GCSF shots starting on Saturday to try to boost his white cell count, he will be admitted to the hospital next Thursday and receive platelets all night long and if all goes well he will have a new port placed on Friday morning. Please pray that all goes well for us.

Congratulations to Darren's neuroblastoma friend Xander and his family, they are expecting a new baby. It's so nice to have normal things happen when you go through the things we have all been faced with.

Also, please pray for another of Darren's neuroblastoma friends Cameron. He and his family are going through a really rough time right now and could use your prayers!

Thanks for stopping by, and PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO SIGN THE GUESTBOOK. We would really like to know you were here.

Love,
DeAnn

Tuesday, June 28, 2005 4:02 PM CDT

Hi Everybody,

Well, so much for our uneventful summer! Darren and I went for him to have chemo at the Clinton Hospital today and there appears to be some issue with his port! Pat, our local oncology nurse, was unable to access his port ( she tried 2 times). It will return blood, but will not flush. So.... that means you can take out, but you can't put in. She then tried to start a peripheral IV. She stuck him 2 or 3 times with no success. Darren was absolutely freaking out by this time, not so much from the IV sticks, but from worry about his port.

After a call to OKC to the clinic it was decided to just stop and leave it alone. We have to go clinic first thing tomorrow. Darren and I are hoping that one of our nurses there will be able to make it work. They will stick him and if it still doesn't work, we wil go for a fleuroscopic(spelling?) xray. That is where they shoot dye through the port and see if it is going where it is supposed to or if there is a problem with the port.

I left for a minute, the xray department at Children's hospital called to remind me of Darren's appt. tomorrow.LIKE I COULD FORGET!!!!! They then had the nerve to ask if I knew where they were located. I told them I knew very well where they were located.

So much for all of our excitement, hopefully we can take care of many things tomorrow (maybe blood, maybe platelets)I am just praying that there is nothing wrong with the port. It would be a real problem to try to get another one.

Thanks for checking in on us. Remember to sign the guest book so we know you were here!

Love,
DeAnn

Friday, June 24, 2005 1:29 PM CDT

Hi Everybody,
Boy, has Darren had a long week. He went for chemo here in Clinton yesterday and had a CBC. He called me and said 3,000, it took me a little while to figure out he meant his platelets! I called the clinic and they said we will do a direct admit, go directly to 3G (other wise known as Children's Hotel lol).

I decided not to press our luck and went ahead and started his premeds orally at home. We left town about 4:00 pm, for those of you who don't know, it is about a 1 1/2 hour drive for us to the hospital. We stopped to get something to eat in OKC before heading to the hospital (Darren does NOT eat hospital food). They remedicated him around 8:30 and he finally got his platelets around 9:30 last night. Lucky are we.... no reaction again!!!!

We decided to spend the night and get his chemo this morning before leaving so he didn't have to rush around today once we got home. As it turned out the chemo went in at 8am and he was done by 9am. Too bad it took until 11:00 to get someone ( I should say a Doctor) to look at him and say okay, go home!

Darren was in a panic, he had driving time with his instsructor at 1pm. We managed a trip to Sonic before leaving OKC and made it home just in time for me to take him straight to meet the instructor.

We are planning on a nice weekend and resting from this very long week Darren and I have had.

Thanks for checking in on us and please remember to sign the guestbook so we know you have been here!!!!!

Love,
DeAnn

Tuesday, June 21, 2005 11:14 AM CDT

Hi Everybody,

Darren went to clinic yesterday. His counts were okay, not great, but okay, so he started his Irrinotecan His hemoglobin was 7.8, so he needed a blood transfusion. We tried to get admitted to the floor, but they were full. They drew a type and cross and told him to come back today for his blood. A big thanks to Grandma Jane for taking him (it is an all day affair) so I could go to the office today.

He had to miss some of his driving time with the driver's education teacher today, but the teacher was nice about it and told him they would get it taken care of. He will drive with him again tomorrow.

Darren has started taking an immune boosting vitamin program from Mannatech. He doesn't like to drink anything and it is a powder mixed in liquid. (we had a knock down drag out fight about it)I have found it available in a capsule and am hoping that it works the same as the powder and we can get him started on that. I am told that it really helps, and we know lots of kids who are taking it!!!! We (or should I say "I") am willing to try anything at this point.

Hope you all have a great week, we will wait and see what Darren's platelets do. Until then he will be hanging out and doing typical teenager summer stuff.

Thanks for stopping by and checking on us.

Love to you all!!!

DeAnn

Friday, June 17, 2005 3:41 PM CDT

Hi Everybody,

Darren had blood drawn locally yesterday. Everything looked okay, except his platelets. They were 5,000. I called the clinic to see what they wanted us to do. They said we should come today for a transfusion. (so much for the wait until he bleeds theory).

I called and spoke to one of the doctors at the Oklahoma Blood Institute to find out about controlling or lessening his reaction to platelet transfusions. I am going to try to donate my platelets for him. This may help some. That process takes about 48 hours to donate and process the platelets, so we needed a more immediate solution. Our wonderful nurses at the Jimmy Everest Center looked back at his chart to see which units gave him reactions. They let the OBI know this information and the OBI was able to go back through their computer records and try to avoid giving him platelets from thos donors.THANK YOU nurses for all your hard work for Darren.

We started Darren's premeds of Zantac and Benadryl at home last night at bedtime.

Today when Darren and I got to the clinic, one of three parking spots by the clinic door was available(this NEVER happens) I told Darren that today was going to be a good day for us!!!

We waited a little longer than we have been after giving him all of his premeds hoping this might help also. Something worked......the premeds, prayers, or the hard work of the JEC and OBI staff. HE DIDN'T HAVE A REACTION!!!!

We are looking forward to a great weekend. Darren has driving time this afternoon with his driving instructor(better him than me lol) We will be back in clinic on Monday to start another round of chemo.

Thanks for stopping by and checking in on us.

Love,
DeAnn

Tuesday, June 14, 2005 9:35 AM CDT

Hi Everybody,

Darren is at his second day of driver's education today and fun. He had a good clinic visit yesterday. His lungs sound better (not normal yet) but better. He will start chemo next Monday if all goes as planned.

As I mentioned before we were going to start using platelts more sparingly. For those of you understand or care, I will explain his cbc numbers to you. On Friday when we were discharged from the hospital, Hemoglobin was 9.3, white count .4 and platelets, of 6,000 (not too good, but we are used to it). When his blood was drawn yesterday, Barbara the "lab lady" at clinic came out and said his platelets are 49,000! That would have been a miracle, but you know the saying if it sounds too good to be true it is????Well, we questioned it and she ran it again and his white count was .8 (up from Friday) hemoglobin was 10.1 (also up from Friday) and his platelets were 15,000(not 49,000, but up from Friday, which means he is making some on his own) We will take it however we can get!!!!!

I plan on talking to the blood institute myself this week to see what suggestions can be made to make the transfusions go more smoothly.

We are very luck this week as a really bad storm, I think tornado, the weather says straight line winds hit pretty hard here in Clinton. We were fortunate not to have damage at our home, but our business outside of town had some damage.

Thanks for all of your prayers and good wishes.
Love to you all,
DeAnn

Monday, June 13, 2005 9:57 AM CDT

Hi everybody!

Darren made it through the weekend okay. He still has a small cough. He got up and went to Driver's Education this morning. They were very understaning. He has some work to make up, but they told him not to worry, he had a few days to get it done, and he needed to schedule his driving time with the instructor.

We will go to clinic this afternoon for an exam and bloodwork. We don't know what they will do about his platelets, but he didn't have any bleeding over the weekend.
He seemed to feel a little better this morning, I guess it will just take time. We don't have an ideal situation, but it works for us for now and we would like to keep it that way!

Thanks for the prayers and keep in touch! Love to you all.

Love,
DeAnn

Saturday, June 11, 2005 10:13 AM CDT

Hi Everybody,
We finally made it home. We got home about 7pm last night. We had to go and have our Friday night routine of mexican food and ice cream. Darren skipped the ice cream and went to his grandmas. She moved to a new house while Darren was in the hospital and he wanted to go over and see her, as it turned out he spent the night. I tried not to worry as I know she and his dad will keep a good eye on him.

They still aren't sure the cause of the fever. It could be any number of things including a virus. The chest xray looked better yesterday, so they decided since he hadn't had fever since Wednesday we could go home. He is on oral antibiotics. The scary part is he has low platelets. They are concerned about his allergic reactions to platelets and are going to start using them more sparingly. Darren and I aren't very happy about that, but the decision is the right one to be made.

Hopefully he will gain some strength over the weekend and be able to go to driver's education some next week (if it's not too late). He has to go to clinic on Monday afternoon so they can check him over and listen to his lungs since they were afraid he had pneumonia.

Please keep Darren's neuroblastoma friend Noah, who is just starting his second stem cell transplant this week, in your prayers.

Love,
DeAnn

Thursday, June 9, 2005 7:44 PM CDT

Hi Everybody,
I am typing this from the Aikman Endzone at Children's Hospital. As I mentioned in my last journal entry, Darren has been sick. When I went to wake him on Tuesday to go to Driver's Education he told me he needed to go to the doctor. I know when he asks to go he must really be sick. When we got to the clinic he has a fever of 102. They drew blood cultures and started him on antibiotics. Nothing has grown in the cultures and his fever finally broke last night. They did another chest xray today and think he has pneumonia. The way it was described to me I think it might be like what some people call walking pneumonia. They are giving him 2 IV antibiotics and just started him on a zpack of oral meds. He is really upset about being here and they won't give us any indication of how long we will be here! I am sure they heard his opinion all the way down the hall. Thanks for checking in on us and keep us in your prayers.

Love
DeAnn

Monday, June 6, 2005 3:14 PM CDT

Hi All,
Hope everyone had a nice weekend. Darren ended up staying home from cadet lawmen camp. He went to a livestock show on Friday afternoon and when he got home Saturday afternoon he was really tired and didn't feel too well. He slept most of Sunday and we went this morning to have his blood checked. His hemoglobin was 9.5 (not too bad, it actually went up since last Thursday) platelets were 12,000 and he didn't require a transfusion (less than 10,000). Now our goal is to make it until Thursday for platelets, we may be pressing our luck.

Darren will start driver's education tomorrow, it is hard to believe he is old enough to drive. He is busy helping his grandma move and talking on the phone and talking on the computer. He will hopefully have a part time job plowing for a farmer we know over the next few weeks. I am just happy as long as he feels good enough to do it all.

Thanks for checking in on us!
Love,
DeAnn

Friday, June 3, 2005 10:02 AM CDT

Hi everybody,

Darren had bloodwork done yesterday. His counts were good enough to make it through the weekend. We are just hoping that he can make it until Tuesday.

On Sunday he will be going to Cadet Lawmen Camp. It is held at an old air base near where we live and sponsored by the Highway Patrol. He is really looking forward to it. The only full day he will be able to attend is on Monday. He has drivers education next week also. I will have to taxi him back and forth everyday.

We will also have to try to find a day for him to go the Clinic, we know he will need a platelet transfusion and maybe more blood. His hemoglobin wasn't too good yesterday considering his had a transfusion on Tuesday.

He has no other plans for the summer, we will be craming it all in to one week!!!! He is hoping to arrange his chemo so that he might get to spend a few days at Falls Creek.

I am so happy to hear that Kraleigh had clear bone marrow! I know that is such good news for her family.

Have a great weekend and I will try to figure out the picture thing so I can put some on of Darren at Cadet Lawmen.

DeAnn

Wednesday, June 1, 2005 10:39 AM CDT

Hi everybody,

Yesterday turned out to be a really long day for Darren and me. We went locally for a cbc (at 8am) Darren's platelets were 10,000 (we transfuse below 10,000) and his hemoglobin was 8.1 (not too bad, it was 8.8 last Thursday.) We called the clinic and they said we are sooo busy this morning wait until after lunch to come in and we will try to get you admitted to get your blood and platelets.

We got to clinic at 12:30 and had to do chemo first.We got to the floor around 3:30 had platelets (with a minor allergic reaction)then started our blood. We finally finished up around 10:40pm and headed home. Of course we had to make our McDonald's stop on the way home so Darren could get something to eat. We made it home around midnight. Hopefully that will be our only trip this week. Darren has chemo at our local hospital this afternoon. He is sleeping this very minute.

It was nice to see Brian Briscoe yesterday, he seems to be tolerating his treatment well and looks good. Please keep Darren's friend Monica in your prayers as they wait to get her final CT results.

DeAnn

Friday, May 27, 2005 2:32 PM CDT

Thank you all for taking time to stop by and checking on Darren. Darren's relapse in June of '01 was the beginning of what has become a long battle.
We have been blessed to still be doing as well as he is. In 2001 he started 5 rounds of chemo, one stem cell transplant that resulted in Kidney failure. We followed with radiation and then did accutane.
We finished all of that therapy in August of 2002. We were lucky to be off treatment until he relapsed again in May of 2003 and at that point it was stage IV.
He did a few rounds of Irrinotecan and then we went to Philadelpia for MIBG. The MIBG worked miracles for Darren and things were going pretty good until we did the Phase I trial of ABT 751. Darren's dose was toxic to his body and we had several weeks of severe side effects including neuropathy. We followed that with Fenretinide that Darren progressed through.
His counts are weak from treatment and bone marrow disease. We were fortunate to start Irrinotecan with Temozolomide in August. After doing scans in December we were told that he had minimal progression in bone marrow and it would become palliative care.
Being the holidays we decided to stay on the treatment and search for other options.He felt so good and was doing so well I opted to stay with the Irino/Temo for awhile longer. In March we did scans again by nothing short of a miracle from god, Darren's bone marrow disease dropped from between 25 to 30% down to 5 to 10%!!!!!! Miracles do happen. We will continue on the Irrino and Temo for now.(My laziness in choosing another option was for a reason)
Darren just finished 9th grade and will be starting driver's education next week. He feels good, has a good quality of life and is every bit a typical teenager!!!!!

Friday, May 27, 2005 2:02 PM CDT

Wow! You would think that after almost 5 years I would have done a website sooner. I was beginning believe I was the only parent who was too lazy to do a website! Sooooooo, I guess I am going to give it a try.

Click here to go back to the main page.

----End of History----