History

Thursday, September 2, 2010 12:11 AM CDT

I had planned to update yesterday - Benjamin's 14th birthday - but the day got away from me faster than I realized. It is so hard to believe that another year has come and gone, and had Benjamin lived he would now be 14 years old and in the 8th grade. As with all big days for us - birthdays, holidays, anniversary dates - the days leading up to Benjamin's birthday were harder than the actual day. I don't know if it is the build-up of stress in the days beforehand, but once the day arrives (while still difficult) I guess the anticipation is over, and we get through the day. We talked with the kids about why the day was so special, what Benjamin was like as a baby, and where "Benny" is now. For Jeremy and Avery it is still confusing to them that they have another brother who doesn't live with us, but who lives in Heaven. They wonder about who he was, what he's like in Heaven (is he still a little boy, or is he a big boy who looks like a 14 year old, etc..), and if he is happy in Heaven. Big questions to try to explain to little ones. We bought a balloon for them to put messages for Benjamin on, and we went out in the backyard last night to let it go. They really seemed to like this, and they watched and watched until it was out of sight. Because of doctor's appts. and soccer practice last night we weren't able to have some cake, but after school today Zachary wants to help me bake a cake and tonight we'll celebrate Benjamin's day with some birthday cake too. Zachary is taking this very seriously and wants the baking to be something that just the two of us do together. He doesn't say much about his feelings, and I know that he is confused as well. He knows that Benjamin being gone is a sad thing, and he knows that Brian and I are still hurting and missing his brother, but I'm afraid that Zachary just can't remember much any more about Benjamin and that time in our lives. He wants to remember, and he is frustrated that he can't remember more. He tries to be very tough about it all, but bits and pieces sneak out from time to time. If Jeremy brings out one of Benjamin old toys and plays too roughly with it, Zachary gets very worked up and makes sure that Jeremy is more careful so that it won't break. Whenever we get a box going for things to donate, too, Zachary refuses to allow any of Benjamin's things to go in the box - whether it is something he has outgrown or not. I wish that he had more memories, but we knew that because of his young age at the time alot of the memories for him would fade. Zachary is doing really well, though, and just this week he started 3rd grade. He's back to fall soccer, and he's enjoying spending all of his free time with Jeremy and with his friends - usually either playing with Star Wars guys, watching Star Wars movies or building Star Wars LEGOs. I'm sensing a theme there...lol!!

Jeremy is 5 years old now, and he's getting ready to go to preschool. He is beyond excited to finally get his turn to go to school. Mommy is less than thrilled (lol!!) for one, he's still my baby, and secondly, he has a peanut allergy. I've been dreading having him out of my sight for school days since his allergy was diagnosed at 18 months old, but the time is here and I'm just going to have suck it up and be a big girl about it - hahaha! He's also a little soccer player now, and he just loves it!

Avery just turned 3, and she is the self-proclaimed princess of the family. She loves all things princess, pink, sparkly and girly. She loves to be with "her guys" as she calls them, and she is wonderfully sweet with her baby brother. She recently started taking ballet (or "ballerina girl classes" as she calls it), and she's always dancing around the living room trying to get one of "her guys" to be her prince. She totally fits the nursery rhyme "when she was good, she was very very good, but when she was bad..." LOOK OUT!! (Hahaha!) She's a feisty little one, but I guess in a houseful of boys she's going to have to be....lol!

And finally, our little Nathaniel is 5 months old now. He's such a little sweetie and also a chunky little monkey - he's is giving Benjamin a good run for his money in terms of being a roly-poly little baby, and I'm just loving every minute with him!! His personality is very fitting for being the 5th baby - he is very laid back and just kind of watches the chaos unfolding all around him without a care in the world. He wakes up in the morning with a smile on his face, and he is becoming quite a flirt with every girl or lady who stops to talk or smile at him. Of course since he is our last baby the time seems like it flying by at warp speed despite my best efforts to put the breaks on...lol!! We all just love him to pieces and feel so blessed to have him here.

Brian and I are great, and we're just trying to keep up with the kids. Now that everybody's getting bigger they all have some sort of sport or activity so that is really keeping us hopping. On one particularly crazy day of running around we had to just stop and laugh because we realized that someday it will get even crazier because little Nate will be big enough to have his own stuff thrown into the mix. Life is good, and we are happy, and even though we are always missing our boy, we still feel very blessed.

Saturday, February 27, 2010 8:39 PM CST

Wow, it has been a very long time since I've updated Benjamin's page. Coming back on here is so hard because I never quite know what to say, and I feel like I'm always repeating myself. We still miss Benjamin desperately, still have good days and bad days, but we're all hanging in there and enjoying our family. Coming up on April 7th will be 5 years since we lost Benjamin - that just doesn't seem possible. He would be 13 years old now - a teenager!! I see friends of his and try to picture what he would be like - would he be as tall as them, would he have the same interests, what would his life be like now...I just can't imagine it. This year will be a very strange year for us because Zachary will turn 8 - the age Benjamin was when he died, and Jeremy will turn 5 - the age Benjamin was when he was diagnosed. We held our breath during the time that Zachary was 5, as if it was a magic line we had to cross to make sure he would be ok and not get sick too. I'm sure we'll be more anxious this year with Jeremy too, even though logically it makes no sense to feel this way. This year Zachary will move beyond the point Benjamin was at in his life when we lost him. He will go past 8 and a half, past the second grade, past the things that Benjamin was able to do. We're so thankful that Zachary and Jeremy have these opportunities that Benjamin wasn't able to have, but like I said, it will be a strange year for us.

Zachary is 7 and will turn 8 this April, and he's doing really well in the second grade. He's been keeping busy with basketball, soccer and swimming and he's really growing right up. He will make his First Communion this May 16th which will be exactly 6 years to the day after Benjamin made his First Communion - that will be a special connection for them. He has a few faint memories of Benjamin, but so much has faded for him over the years, as we knew it would. He turned 3 the week after Benjamin died, so we knew this was inevitable, but that doesn't bring Zachary much comfort when we try to explain that to him. He wants to remember everything about his brother, and you can see the hurt he feels when he can't. Now that Jeremy is getting older, though, their relationship is growing and they can play so much more together. They are typical brothers - best friends one minute/wrestling each other to the ground the next minute!!

Jeremy is 4 and will turn 5 in June. He may look like just like Benjamin (people who also knew Benjamin often do a double take when they see Jeremy), but he couldn't be more different. Jeremy is the wildest of little wild men..haha!! Last summer he spent the majority of the summer with his arms in casts because he broke BOTH arms twice. He is absolutely as sweet as can be, but that little boy will give me more gray hairs than all of the kids put together because you just never know what kind of crazy stunt he will come up with next. Not long ago he rode a tray table down our carpeted stairs - just to see if he could do it...now you see what I mean - haha!! He's been taking swimming lessons, too, and was old enough to be on his first team - soccer - which has made him so proud.

Avery turned 2 in August, and she is everybody's little princess. She is still very much a girly-girl, and she's got all of the boys (her father included) both charmed and flustered by her many, ever-changing moods. We are having a ball with her and the fun that a little girl brings to the house. She loves her baby dolls, her Disney Princesses, purses, playing Mommy, anything pink and sparkly - she is so much fun to shop with, and to shop for!! She loves her big brothers so much, and she and Jeremy especially are two peas in a pod. Everybody always says how lucky she will be to have all of her brothers and her Daddy to look out for her, but Avery's a sassy little thing and we joke that she will probably do just fine looking out for herself - haha!!

As you might have seen by the baby themed border I updated with - we are expecting one more!! Nathaniel Lucas Jones is due this April, and we are so thrilled and looking forward to his arrival!! We've been lucky enough to have 4D ultrasounds with this pregnancy (I'd never had one before), so we've been able to get some sneak peeks at our new little one. I guess I should say he is far from a little one though - he is a very big boy so far and already has chubby little cheeks! All of our other babies have been very tiny, and Nathaniel could weigh close to 9lbs if his weight keeps up and if he's born around his due date. All of our boys were early,though, and my doctor said that it might not be a bad thing if Nathaniel came a little bit early too - haha!! Benjamin always hoped for more brothers and sisters, and before he died he said that he would pick out more babies to send to us. We would so love to see him being a big brother with the kids - he would have been so great with them!!

**Nathaniel arrived a few weeks early - March 31, 2010 - so he wasn't as big as predicted. He was our biggest baby, though, at 7lbs 1 oz and 18.4 in. He is such a little sweetheart, and he has fit right in and found a special place in all of our hearts! We are very lucky that he is pretty content as long his tummy is full and his pants are clean...lol!...and he is able to sleep through all of the noise and chaos of a busy house. We all just love him so much!! At this point he really resembles Benjamin and Jeremy the most, and he has lots of dark hair (w/ just a little bit of curl) and blue eyes. We are so happy to have him here and part of our family!!**

Brian and I are really happy and enjoying our family - there is always an empty space for Benjamin, but we are so grateful and thankful for the blessings we have. This past Dec. we celebrated out 14th wedding anniversary, and in Jan. we celebrated that it has been 21 years that we have been together. We never could have imagined back then when we were 17 years old and juniors in high school where life was going to take us, but I'm so thankful that we've been through it all together!! That's really all that is new with our family - we're strong and happy together with Benjamin always in our hearts and minds.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009 3:49 PM CDT

Wow! I can't believe that it has been over a year since we've sent out an update! I thought that since today is the four year anniversary date since we lost Benjamin now was the time to update. It is so hard to believe that four years could have gone by, and so much has changed, but the empty space in our hearts has stayed the same. Benjamin would be 12 and 1/2 now - almost a teenager! I try to picture how he would look now, what he would be interested in, what his hobbies would be...but honestly, I can't even imagine. The only thing I'm certain of is that he would get the biggest kick out of his siblings (being a big brother was so important to him), and he would love being the ringleader of this little group.

Zachary will turn 7 years old next week, and he's having a great time, and learning a lot, in the first grade. Ironically, Zachary's first grader teacher is also the same lady who was to be Benjamin's kindergarten teacher had he not been home schooled throughout that year due to medical treatments. He just loves her, and it is hard to believe that first grade will be over soon. Zachary is really getting into soccer - this spring is his third season - and his Daddy is a "helper" coach. Zachary is also a Cub Scout, and he was so proud to win 1st place at the Pinewood Derby for the Tiger Cubs division recently. He's still able to remember hazy bits of his time with Benjamin, but unfortunately many of his memories have faded. This breaks our hearts, and causes his heart some considerable pain, too, but we just try to help him focus on what he can remember and on knowing how important he was to Benjamin. The two of them were best friends, and I think Zachary still really misses that companionship they shared.

Jeremy is 3 and 1/2, and while he's a tiny little guy, he doesn't let anything stand in his way. He loves to play with his big brother and his little sister and all of his neighborhood friends. He just recently got his first two-wheeler (with training wheels), and he's so proud as he zips up and down the front sidewalk. He and Avery play non-stop with each other, especially while Zachary is at school, and they get along really, really well together. Jeremy, of course, never knew Benjamin since he was born about two months after Benjamin died, but we can tell that he really wants to understand about Benjamin, and Jeremy tries to put himself into stories about Benjamin. If we tell a story about Benjamin, Jeremy will sometimes say that he remembers that, or that Benjamin "told him" that story when they were in Heaven together before Jeremy was born. Jeremy is the spitting image of Benjamin at this age, and we tell Jeremy that to help him feel a connection to his big brother. Jeremy also loves to hear about how Benjamin chose his name. Brian and I know that Jeremy would just crack Benjamin up - he would love that Jeremy is his little "mini-me," and Jeremy's scrappy little personality would keep him guessing (and on his toes) - as it does for us.

And then there is Miss Avery. She's 20 months old now, and she's the little princess of the family (in a good way - haha!). I always joke that after having three boys I don't think we could have ordered up a "girlier" girl. That girl loves anything pink, purple or red, anything flowery or "pretty" (as she says), Disney Princesses, Dora the Explorer, Barbie, baby dolls, etc...She is running around all over the place, talking, dancing, and cracking us up as we get used to a little female personality in the house. I am loving having a little girlfriend, and I get the biggest kick out of watching Avery both charm and fluster her poor Daddy. The drama and emotions of a little girl are very new around here - haha! When I see older kids in the neighborhood pick Avery up and play with her I try to picture a twelve-year-old Benjamin holding her. I think he would have been very protective of a baby sister. She can say "Ben," and she knows who he is in the family pictures we have around the house. I'm sure none of it makes any sense to her yet, but just as Jeremy has grown up always hearing that he has a big brother in Heaven watching over him, Avery will come to understand the same thing in time.

Brian and I are doing alright, too. Things are always busy with the kids, the family, and work for Brian. We're just enjoying Zachary, Jeremy, and Avery and each new stage they reach. Zachary is now doing things that Benjamin never got to do (Zachary is almost 7, and Benjamin relapsed when he was 7). The milestones he's reaching (and someday Jeremy and Avery will also reach)that Benjamin never was able to are bittersweet for us, but we try to focus on the "sweet" with them and keep the sadness of Benjamin's lost chances to ourselves. We want them all to experience wholeheartedly the joys that should deservedly come their way. We still have a really good life together as a family, and we are so lucky for all that we have. There will always be a huge hole in our family, but Benjamin is always a part of our every day lives in our pictures, our stories, and our hearts. It never gets easier that Benjamin is gone, but the way we handle our loss, in our day to day lives, gets more manageable, I guess that is the best way to explain it. We will love him and miss him forever!!

Monday, February 18, 2008 9:19 PM CST

Hi everyone!

Just wanted to send out a quick note with some of the latest goings on around here. Also, Brian updated one of the pictures on the photo page with a new one of the baby. She's wearing a little tu-tu that he picked out for her before she was even born. We joked way back then that it would be so fun to see her wearing it when she turned six months old, and here she is. Boy, did that 6 1/2 months go by too fast! She's sitting up on her own now and able to play with some little toys without falling back over. The boys spoil her like crazy and call her their princess. We always joke that we almost feel sorry for any boys that try to date her in the future because they will have to get through Daddy and two very protective big brothers - haha! Zachary is having a great time in kindergarten. He's doing really well in school and he's so happy to be a reader now! He's just finished taking an art class that he really liked (he loves doing art projects, and we can always tell where he's been working because there will be a little trail of scraps of construction paper, crayons, etc...), and he's trying to decide between T-ball and soccer this spring. Jeremy is having lots of fun being two (and lots of fun keeping us on our toes - haha!). He loves singing and playing the drums, and his new thing is dressing up in costumes. Jeremy gets this idea from Zachary - they both like to dress up like Spiderman, Cowboy Woody (from Toy Story), Elmo, etc...Jeremy spends a lot of time looking out for "Avie," as he calls her, too. We're really curious about how well they will get along once she starts getting into his things, but at least for now they are like two peas in a pod. We're all just ready for winter to be over so we can head outside again and enjoy some warmth!

We heard a really sweet story today that just warmed our hearts. Brian was at the grocery store and he ran into the mom of one of Benjamin's best friends from school. The boys were in Cub Scouts together and had a lot of fun times together in Benjamin's only real year of school (first grade was his only year in the building - he was tutored at home throughout kindergarten and second grade by our dear friend Nancy). She told Brian that the kids from Benjamin's Cub Scout pack were just moving up to Boy Scouts, and they had put together scrap books from over the years in scouting. She said that her son, and actually all of the boys, included pictures of Benjamin in their books. That just really touched us that they were still thinking of Benjamin and had included him in their memories. What a sweet group of 5th grade boys they are! I can't imagine that Benjamin would be a 5th grader now. Sometimes when we see kids from Benjamin's class we wonder what he would be like - if he would be as tall as them, how much older he would look, what would his likes and dislikes be at this age. We can see so much of him in Zachary, Jeremy and Avery, and that is a comfort.

Well, I'll try to update again with more new pictures soon. We keep just changing the one picture on the photo page because we haven't figured out how to save the other photos of Benjamin on that page. Once we do, though, we'll be able to update more than one photo at a time - haha!

Love, Anne ,Brian, Zachary, Jeremy and Avery

Monday, December 31, 2007 11:15 PM CST

Hi everyone! *One new picture on the photo page*

Hope you all enjoyed the Holidays! While there will always be a huge piece of our hearts missing each day, and especially during the holidays, we really love this special time of year with the kids. Zachary is five, so the whole season is magical to him. Jeremy is two, and this year he really understood more about Santa (although he was slightly freaked out about the whole coming down the chimney idea - haha!). At nearly five months old for Avery's first Christmas, she really didn't understand anything, but she loved the Christmas lights and watching the excitement from her brothers. Benjamin, like all kids, just loved Christmas, and we thought of him so often - what kind of toys would he have been interested in this year, how grown up he would have looked all dressed up for Christmas, how sweet his little homemade ornaments look on the tree, etc...every time I heard the Christmas carol "Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas" I stopped and thought of Benjamin, too, because that was always his very favorite. We also spent some time during the days before Christmas watching some old home movies of Benjamin which was so bittersweet - the movies are so difficult to see at first, but then it feels so good to hear his voice again and to see that beautiful smile of his.

Right now we're just enjoying Zachary's Christmas break from school. Brian has taken some days off of work here and there through out Christmas week and again for New Year's, so it has been so nice to have this time together. I also wanted to let you know that we have finally updated a picture in the guestbook. I'm sure we'll add some more new ones, but there is one new one from Christmas this year. Avery was such a good sport when the boys wanted her to be a "little present." All four of our kids are definitely the best blessings that we could ever have hoped for. We hope you all have a very Happy New Year!!!

Love,
Anne, Brian, Zachary, Jeremy & Avery Jones

Saturday, November 3, 2007 5:09 PM CDT

Dear friends,

Hi! I'm not sure how many people still come around to our web page since I haven't been updating very regularly, but I just wanted to send out a little update and also let people know that our e-mail address at the bottom of the page has changed.

We hope you're all enjoying the fall! This fall Zachary started kindergarten, and thankfully he is loving it so much. He loves the bus ride with his friends, he loves his teacher, and he is so excited to be learning to read. He recently finished up his soccer season, and we're trying to come up with something fun for him to do now that we're heading into those cold months when we get cooped up inside. The boys had a ball on Halloween and brought home way too much candy - like all kids do! Zachary was Wolverine from the X-Men, Jeremy was Bob the Builder (he proudly told everyone "I'm Bob!"), and Avery was a little pink kitty-cat. Jeremy really misses Zachary while he's off to school, but having Avery at home seems to soften that a little bit. He's still head over heels for Avery, and we're still in awe that he feels that way - haha! Hopefully he still feels that way when she's old enough to crawl around and get into his toys - we'll see. He's two, and he's so interested in construction, dirt, playing ball - all of the typical little boy kinds of things. Avery just turned three months, and she is as sweet as can be! I get teased by everyone because I don't think I've bought anything for her yet that hasn't been pink. I have loved every second of having all of my boys, and now I'm really enjoying having my little girlfriend!

Benjamin is always present in our thoughts, our memories, our stories about him, and our pictures throughout the house. He would have turned 11 years old on Sept. 1. Jeremy calls him "Bunny," for Benny, and he smiles at us with a very confused look on his face when we point to pictures and tell him that Benny is his brother, too. As he gets older things will make more sense for him, but he knows who Bunny is. Zachary still talks a lot about Benjamin, but I can tell that so many of his memories of Benjamin have faded. Since he was only turning 3 the week after Benjamin died we knew that realistically this would probably happen, but it saddens me so much to see it happening knowing how special it was for Benjamin to be a big brother. He still has some memories that are very real for him, though, so I'm thankful for that. Every once and a while I hear him trying to explain to Jeremy the stories behind the pictures we have of Benjamin, and I hope that some day he will do the same for Avery. We miss Benjamin tremendously, but at the same time we're trying to make every day normal, happy, crazy, etc...for Zachary, Jeremy, and Avery. We're learning that for us the best way to cope has been to focus on everything we're thankful for and happy about and especially to soak up every sweet moment with the kids.

I'll try to update more regularly and to get some new pictures up soon. Thanks for stopping back to check on us!

Love, Anne, Brian, Zachary, Jeremy and Avery

Monday, August 6, 2007 6:41 PM CDT

Dear friends,

We're so sorry for such a long delay in updating, but I did want to quickly send out a message that our baby girl, Avery Elizabeth, is here!! Avery was born last Wed., August 1st at 2:04pm. She weighed 6lbs 12 oz (she was our biggest baby) and measured 20 in. She has black hair and blue eyes, and she is such a little sweetheart. Everything went along just fine and we were able to come home the next afternoon - just couldn't stay away from my boys! We could tell by Zachary's excitement that he would probably really like the baby, but we never expected for Jeremy to be too thrilled by a new little one in the house. He has totally surprised us all by being head over heels for "Avie" as he calls her. We keep telling Avery that she is such a lucky little girl to have her big brothers (two here at home with her and one brother up in heaven) showering so much love on her. We're definitely going to have to keep a close eye on her because Jeremy especially, who doesn't know his own strength, loves her a little too much sometimes - haha! Brian and I are trying to get used to the juggling act that comes along with us now being outnumbered, but we have been so fortunate to have lots of extra help from both sets of grandparents. Before Benjamin died he told us that he hoped we would have more babies and more brothers and sisters for Zachary (being a big brother was so important to him), and he said that he would pick out babies for us. Well, if had any input on picking out little Avery than he did an outstanding job!!! We think of him more than ever, and bringing Avery home brings back so many sweet memories of baby Benjamin, too. It is so hard to believe that it was nearly 11 years ago when he was the new little baby in our house (Sept. 1, 1996). Thank you so much for all of the prayers and good wishes for a safe delivery and for good health for Avery Elizabeth!

Love, The Jones'

Tuesday, April 10, 2007 1:31 PM CDT

Dear friends,

We just wanted to send out a quick thank you for all of the kind thoughts, prayers, messages, cards, and calls in the days leading up to Benjamin's two year anniversary date. That kind of support really means the world to us - it helps us get through a time that will always be filled with sweet and sad memories, and it makes us so happy to know that Benjamin has not been forgotten by anyone because he will always be such a huge part of our lives and our family even he isn't physically here with us.

His anniversary date will never be an easy time, but having that date fall the day before Easter made the holiday much more emotional, but we made it through it. We did some special things with the boys - a trip to Chuck E Cheese with Kathy Postle (Benjamin's PT from Children's)and her children, a visit to the Easter Bunny, Zachary's first trip to play Putt-Putt, colored Easter eggs (it takes a LONG time for the egg coloring dye to wear away - Jeremy thought he should use his hands to "help"things along, and he is still blue, which looked nice with his Easter outfit- haha!), and we watched a movie that Zachary's been waiting to see, "Flushed Away." As always, Zachary and Jeremy helped shift the focus to much happier moments, thoughts and memories, and since they are so young (4 1/2 and 1 1/2) every holiday is still so magical for them. Experiencing that magic with them truly helps to soften our pain. Benjamin died shortly after Easter in 2005, so while we were very lucky and blessed to have had one more Easter with him, the memories from that time are extremely painful because his time was so short, and he was only able to do very little. He was able to come to the table to color eggs for a short time with Zachary, but Zachary (at age 2 1/2)had to help Benjamin find his Easter basket as they worked as a little team with Benjamin only able to move around very slowly with his little walker. Those kinds of thoughts were so difficult for us to push past, and makes us a little bit relieved to know that next Easter is supposed to be much earlier and will therefore be more separated from Benjamin's anniversary date. One very sweet memory, though, was thinking back to how much Benjamin enjoyed that his Easter basket was filled with Ring-Pops, which he LOVED, and Zachary got a bag of Ring-Pops this year which he seems to love just as much.

Other than that, not much is new here with the Jones'. Preschool will be ending before long, T-ball will be starting, we've got a trip back home to see family coming up, and we're ready for summer. Things are "so far, so good" with Miss Avery Jones, and hopefully she will continue to behave, (haha!)all of our kids, so far, have played the preterm game. We'll keep you posted with any new developments! Again, thank you so much for continuing to keep us in your prayers!

Love, The Jones'

Wednesday, March 14, 2007 1:35 PM CDT

Hi!

Well, I guess you can tell by the color of this border just what kind of baby the Jones' are expecting this summer - it is a girl! My ultrasound was yesterday, and by everything that they were able to tell from the pictures everything looks fine, and so far things are going along as they should be. The lady who did the ultrasound asked me about the kids we have at home, and I told her that we've had three boys. She just grinned and said that it is time for us to start buying pink! We would have been completely thrilled either way, and our biggest concern was to know that as far as they can tell the baby looks fine. It is very fun to know now who to be expecting this summer! We had decided that for a boy I would pick the name and for a girl that Brian would pick the name. Brian choose the name Avery Elizabeth with her nickname being Ava. That name is very special to us also because had Jeremy been a girl, Benjamin had chosen the name Ava Elizabeth. Brian had me cracking up, though, when I asked him what made him decide on the name Avery. He said that he liked it after hearing it on one of my soaps (All My Children). I couldn't think of anyone on that show named Avery, though. He said that actually it was someone's last name - Ryan Avery. We had a really good laugh when I told him that Ryan's name is "Ryan Lavery!" He said "well, I guess we'll have to name her Lavery then." We're sticking with Avery Elizabeth, though, and I think Brian did a beautiful job choosing - I think Benjamin would be happy that it is so similar to what he had picked and that we are using the name he liked for her nickname.

Other than that, not much is new here. The boys are doing well and are just itching to be outside as often as possible. They both have birthdays coming up in the next couple of months, so that will keep us busy. Zachary will be 5 next month, and Jeremy will be 2 in June. They spend almost all of their time together - mostly playing, but also fighting sometimes. Zachary is still really loving preschool, and he's really excited to start kindergarten this fall. Jeremy loves to go to Zachary's school, but he doesn't like it that we drop him off there. After we're back home for about an hour he starts crying for "ZeeZee" as he calls him. Zachary's going to try T-ball for this first time this spring, and he's really looking forward to that as well. Jeremy keeps us hopping - he's still just the feistiest little thing - but he's also the cuddliest little guy, and they both never fail to make us laugh or bring a smile to our faces!

It is almost impossible to believe that we are rapidly coming up on two years since we lost Benjamin - April 7th. It was at this time two years ago that his health was going downhill so quickly, and we knew that he didn't have much time left. This time of year will probably always be a struggle, but we also know that life keeps pulling us forward. Zachary still talks about Benjamin nearly every day, and while Jeremy never knew Benjamin in person, he will point to Benjamin's pictures on the walls if you ask him "where is Benjamin?" He always has a huge smile on his face while pointing. Brian and I are doing alright with our grief. It is very up and down, days may go by without crying, but then something will pop up out of nowhere and the tears won't stop. The grief does seem to change over time, though. In the beginning it was almost a panicky, suffocating feeling, like if you turn your head for a second and can't find your child. Unfortunately this lasts a whole lot longer than the brief time that your child is out of your sight because this time he just doesn't reappear. Now there is just the acceptance of what is, and we know that while it is still very, very painful, we know that we'll be ok. We still see little signs here and there that reassure us that Benjamin is never too far away from us. He always told us before he died that he hoped that we would have more babies (being a big brother meant the world to him), and he said that he would pick them out for us, so we are so anxious to meet the baby he helped choose for us!

Well, that is about all of our news. We'll keep you posted on any Avery updates. Thank you so much for still thinking of us and for keeping our family in your prayers!

Love, The Jones'

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