History

Sunday, August 9, 2009 1:11 PM CDT

A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam...
and for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to this world...
but then it flies on again, and although
we wish it could have stayed,
we are so thankful to have seen it at all.

-Author Unknown

5 years…..

I have been sitting here for quite some time trying to come up with some great words of wisdom to make me feel better about this day. But the fact remains – I just miss her.

I miss everything about her, who she was, and who she should be now. It breaks my heart to know that I must continue on without her. That I will never see her grow up, go to the prom, graduate, fall in love, have babies. I will never again watch David tuck her in, Emily read to her, Andrew chase her, or Jason tickle her. I will never know what it’s like to watch her teach Gracie how to play dress up, or have tea parties. It just never goes away. I can’t imagine what this is like for people who don’t have the hope of eternity. I am so thankful that I can KNOW where she is and Who she is with. Even though I may not always like the decisions He has made, I trust Him. I know He knows what He’s doing, even if I can’t understand it. That alone is the only way that I have made it these past 5 years.

Thank you to everyone who has signed Hanna’s guestbook today. I had a really rotten morning, but that helps. I know people still think of her, but it’s nice to know they still think to come here and leave messages from time to time.

Again, I wish I had some great words to say, but right now, I’m just a sad mommy who misses her baby. I will be okay, though, because I KNOW that one day soon:

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”
Revelation 21:4

Wednesday, December 31, 2008 10:27 PM CST

Another year has come and gone. Tomorrow will 2009! That is just unbelievable. For so long, I think we have been frozen in time right along with Hanna. I can’t think about 2009 without thinking that it’s the year she will have been gone for 5 years. Some days it still seems like yesterday, but other times it almost feels like it was all just a dream. I guess it will always be that way. I worry that she will become even more distant over time, and that scares me to death. I often get caught up in what should have been. But with 2009 just around the corner, I worry about forgetting. It’s been 5 years. What about 10 years? 15 years? I know I’ll never forget certain things - like the way she would run with her arm tucked in, or how much she loved getting her nails done, or especially the way she said “I yuv you, mommy.” But what about the little things? The things that aren’t even coming to my mind right now as I type this?? I DO NOT want to let those things go! But how do I stop it from happening?

I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that even though Hanna is not here with us, we are extremely blessed. I’m so very thankful that I was chosen to be her mommy, even if it was for a short time. I’m so thankful that we live in a place where we were able to provide her with the best medical care our world has to offer. I’m thankful that I know where she is and Who she is with. And, most of all, I’m thankful that one day we will all be together again.

Hanna,
Even though it’s only been a little while for you, it’s been another year for us. It is ending better than it began. Your little sister is really helping to liven things up around here. I’m sure you are just as proud of her as we are. She can make a mess, though. :) I know you would be teaching her so many things. I will do my best to teach them to her for you. We will see you soon! I love you so much.
Mommy

Thursday, November 20, 2008 11:35 AM CST

Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl!

I have sat here for quite some time trying to come up with the right words. There are no right words. It’s been 4 years and it’s still the same - I’m happy for you, but sad for me. I’m sad that I don’t know what you would want for your 8th birthday. I’m sad that I don’t even know what you would look like. Would your hair have gotten darker or lighter? How tall would you be? What would you like to wear? What would you like to eat? What would you like to do? You would certainly have outgrown all of your favorites that still bring a smile to my face. I know that you would have gladly passed all of your Dora, Spongebob, and even Princess toys on to your new little sister. What would have replaced them? I can make guesses, but I will never know. :( That breaks my heart. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad, but sometimes I just can’t help it. It all seems so unfair. You should be here. It really stinks that you’re not. We all miss you so much. Gracie has certainly brought some much needed smiles, but you are never far from our thoughts, hearts, or minds. I love you. I still can’t wait to see you again - forever.

Monday, August 11, 2008 0:01 AM CDT

Hanna,

This week has been a whirlwind, as I’m sure you are quite well aware. I didn’t get to leave a message here on the 9th because everything has been so hectic, but it certainly didn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about you everyday. I know I say it all the time, but I can’t believe it’s been 4 years since I’ve seen your sweet face and kissed your sweet lips. I miss you so much! This week has been full of so many mixed emotions. Of course, we are so happy to finally have your little sister here with us. We just so wish you were here, too.

I just don’t believe that there’s not some message in all of this happening right now. August 9th will be a day that will be with us forever. It breaks our hearts that you had to leave us so soon, but we are so thankful that we know where you are. August 9th is the day that you took Jesus by the hand and stepped into Heaven. Now, August 10th is the day that Gracie was placed in our arms. Today, August 11th is the day we had your funeral, and now it’s the day that China officially made us Gracie’s parents. Bittersweet! I sometimes think about how sad I am that you’re not here to meet her, but other times I think you already have. I want to believe that this is all just your way of giving us your blessing.

I want to say more, but I can’t really see the screen anymore. How can I be so sad and so happy all at the same time?? I love you so much. I miss you more than words can ever say. I can’t wait until the day that we are all together again.

Love,
Mommy

Monday, June 16, 2008 1:18 AM CDT

Oh, where to start???

Life is changing.....

That statement has a world of emotion attached to it, at least for me anyway. Since Hanna died, I almost feel as if I have been frozen in time. I know in my head that it was almost 4 years ago, but somehow my heart can’t accept it. I have just sat here and reread all of the journal entries that I have written in the past. I’m still not always sure how time keeps moving forward when I so badly want to stay in the past. I want to stay in that time when I had my baby, my baby who was growing up so quickly, and was just starting to be a little lady.

But I can’t. It’s now almost 4 years later. Time does not heal all wounds. I don’t know who said that, but they are WRONG. Time takes you farther and farther away. Time scares you into thinking you might forget things. Time is a scary thing. And I think that leading up to the end of April, time was crushing my spirit. It was then that I had to face the reality that Hanna had been gone longer than she was here. That was extremely difficult for me. I’m not really even sure why I had let that grip me so. It’s just that the time Hanna was here felt like a lifetime, but the past 3 ½ years have just slipped away. Again, as if I were frozen in time. But God has shown his grace and mercy once again. He has pulled me out of that dark place I sometimes find myself. This time, he has pulled me out in new way.

This is from one of my past journal entries, dated March 4, 2006:

“It’s like I’m living in this new world, a different world than before, and one to which I do not belong. I feel so detached, and yet in my heart I also know that this is NOT how I want to be, nor is it how Hanna would want me to be. Yes, I want to be changed, but I do not want to be destroyed. Her life and her time here with us was just too precious for that. I know that nothing will ever be the same, but I also know that God cannot use a crushed soul. I truly want to do better, to be better.”

When I wrote that, I had no idea HOW I was supposed to do better or to be better. I just knew that neither God nor Hanna would want my soul to stay crushed. It wasn’t too long after that that I wrote about our decision to adopt a little girl from China. Many people since have asked us why not have a child of our own. The best answer I can give is simply that this is what God has planned for us. She is our own. We feel that God has chosen this child for us. We cannot explain it, it’s just something we know. I saw a quote tonight that I felt summed up my feelings on this. It said, “To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.”

Well, that decision came 2 years ago. So, although we thought that was something that we were ready for then, God had other plans. But, His plan is perfect. And, in His timing we are given a new addition to our family.

This website has and always will be devoted entirely to Hanna - her life, her journey, her story, and how God has carried us through the storm. It is my hope that someone, somewhere will be touched my sweet angel, and the grace that God has shown us through her and her life. However, I also thought it was important to share our news of Gracie here for those of you that didn’t already know. A fitting name, don’t you think?? Hanna’s name actually means “graceful.”

No one will ever, ever fill the hole that Hanna left in our hearts and lives. She has and will always have a place of her own with us - in our family, in our hearts, in our memories, and in the stories we tell about her. But, we do believe that Gracie will help bring a new sense of joy to our lives, a new sense of purpose and meaning. Even though Jason, Emily, and Andrew bring us happiness on a daily basis, they are growing up quickly. Adding a baby to the mix will surely bring much needed smiles, giggles, and laughter. You can see of a picture of Gracie by clicking here.

As happy as I am, I also don’t want to be misunderstood. Life will never be the same this side of Heaven. It’s never going to be okay. There will always be a part of me that is missing. But I do know that Hanna would want this for us. I just have to believe that she’s even had some small part in helping to bring us together with Gracie.

Hanna,
I can’t believe you’re going to be a big sister! We miss you so much! Oh, how we wish you were here to welcome Gracie home. I know you would be such a big help. I can just see you now holding her and feeding her. You would have so many things to teach her, and you would do such a good job. Just look at all the things you have taught me! I love you so much sweet girl. I still can’t wait until we are together again.
Love,
Mom

Wednesday, April 30, 2008 7:38 PM CDT

She's been gone longer than she was here???!!!???!!!! It's just NOT fair. I feel so bad for others when I have a breakdown because I know everyone feels so helpless and they don't know what to say. I don't even know what to say. What is there to say to that??

Thanks to a wonderful husband, great family and friends, I have made it through yet another of those "dark moments." Tonight, I watched videos. After laughing a while and crying a while longer, I came close to the end. The end??? The end of her life. The end of the videos. Then, as I was watching a clip of her watching the parade at Disney World, seeing her totally fascinated by the beauty, the magic, the thrill that only Disney can inspire, I was reminded of something a friend had told me only a few days ago. Being a fellow parent who has lost a child, she was told that considering the fact that a thousand years here is like a day in Heaven, then 4 years is really only about 3 minutes in Heaven. So, while watching her watch the parade totally captivated for well over 15 minutes, I now have a visual image of what she may be doing this very instant. She's still taking it all in. If Disney World can do that, just imagine the sights of Heaven.

She's still not here. But, it helps. Somewhat. Somedays.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007 7:41 PM CST

Happy Birthday, Hanna!

I miss you so much, big girl. I wonder what birthdays are like in Heaven. I know everyday is a celebration, but maybe its even bigger on special days. I don't know, but I can't wait until the day that I find out all about it. Celebrations just aren't the same without you here with us.

I love you so much, and still miss you with every breath I take. I’m so proud to be your mommy.

Saturday, November 3, 2007 4:53 PM CDT

This is such a yucky time of the year for us. It starts, of course, around August for obvious reasons. Then, there’s Halloween which just makes me so sad. After that, it’s time for her birthday which brings us right into the holidays. It’s not that we are sadder on these days, it’s just that we miss her so much, and these days feel like markers that take us further and further away.

On top of that, there was another little angel taken away from her mommy and daddy because of this stupid cancer. Since we met them in May, we have come to know and love Shelby Grover and her parents. She’s precious! Of course, we are so happy for Shelby, but heartbroken for Lee and Nicole. They miss their baby girl.

Many people have expressed an interest in running in the 5K on December 1 in memory of Hanna, but have decided not to sign up as a hero. We want you to know that whether you register as a hero or not, you can still be one of "Hanna’s Heroes"!!!! We will wearing t-shirts with Hanna’s picture on them. Many of you already have this t-shirt, but if you would like to order one to wear on race day so everyone will know you are there for Hanna, e-mail us at hannasheroes@yahoo.com and let us know what size you need. We have a limited number available for only $6.00, so the sooner you let us know, the better your chances will be of getting one. They are so cute!! Yes, even for the men. :) Also, if you are planning on being there as a cheerleader, I need to know that as well so I can make you a Hanna sign. I want to make sure everyone there watching/cheering has a picture to hold as encouragement to the runners. And, to show off my girl, of course. :) Feel free to e-mail with any questions as well.

Thanks again to all who have signed the guestbook. I still check it every single day. I love you all.

Thursday, August 9, 2007 10:47 PM CDT

August 9, 2007???

We got up early this morning to get ready for school. We had dinner at Cracker Barrel (chicken and dumplings, of course), and then it was back to school for me for open house. It sounds like an ordinary day in the life of teachers during back to school time. I wish it had been an ordinary day. It should have been. I should have had to rush to school even earlier tonight so that I could have had time to take Hanna and her Strawberry Shortcake backpack and school supplies to her room. I should have been telling her how proud I was of her and what a big girl she was now that she would be in first grade.

But, as you know, that’s not how it went. I’ll never buy her school supplies that she can take to school. I’ll never meet her first grade teacher, or any other teacher. I’ll never help her pick out her outfit for the first day of school. I’ll never pass her class in the hallway at school and hear her whisper, “that’s my mommy.” I’ll never get to see her sing at her first grade program, or show off her first report card.

But, I can remember. I can remember when she got her first tooth. I can remember when she took her first steps on her own. She was at Target and only concerned about the baby dolls that I don’t think she even realized that she wasn’t holding my hand. I remember how much she liked the song “Big Star.” Whenever we heard it, we were always in the car, so I could peek at her in the rearview mirror. She didn’t really know any words except “big star” but she could sure act like she did. She always looked so serious when she was “singing” and she would be kicking her foot to the music. Sometimes she would catch me looking and she would get embarrassed and say, “mama, stop,” but other times she was just smile sweetly and keep on going. I remember how she would sit forever at her kitchen or her doll house and pretend to cook and play house. She would be mumbling away. I never really could make out all that she was saying, but I loved just listening to her and watching her do that. I remember when Ms. Terri would come from her early intervention program, and she would always insist on sitting in her pink chair. At first, we couldn’t figure out what in the world she was insisting on, but she made it very clear that it was something important. Thankfully, we soon realized it was the “pink chair” because after that, she never had another session with Ms. Terri that didn’t include that chair. She always thought that Ms. Terri came to play. Her favorite “game” was having Ms. Terry hold up flash cards to see who could name the picture first - me or Hanna. She was very proud when she beat me. :) She loved all of her therapy sessions. She had educational therapy, speech, physical therapy, and hippotherapy, but to her they were just friends who loved her.

Of course, I have a ton of St. Jude memories. She loved everything about St. Jude. I don’t think she ever once connected anything bad with St. Jude. I remember one day she hugged the walls and said “ I yuv you,” and several times she hugged the TV when “her hospital” was on it. I could go on and on with memories, but I’ve already written way too much. Besides, I don’t know how much more my heart can take right now. I can’t believe that’s all I have left - memories. At least that’s all I have left here on Earth. I’m so thankful that I know where she is, and if she can’t be with me, then that’s the perfect place to be. I just miss her SO MUCH!

Thank you to everyone who called, e-mailed, text, sent cards, or left messages. It truly did help to make it a little bit easier knowing so many people were thinking about her. I also want to say a special thank you to Tina since she is the only one who has officially joined our “Hanna’s Heroes” team for the St. Jude Marathon. I’m really hoping that this is going to pick up some really soon. Here’s the deal - we can’t do anything for Hanna anymore. We can’t buy her anything or take her anywhere. All we can do is remember, remember and fight. We can fight childhood cancer. We can fight the one thing that took her from us and took so much from her. We can fight this thing that broke our hearts and tore our family apart. We can fight this thing that is doing the same thing to so many other children and their families. We can do it for them, because of Hanna, because we knew her and loved her.

You can click here to sign up for the race. Remember, there are 3 different parts. The marathon is 26 miles, the half marathon is 13 miles, and there is also a 5K which is 3 miles. Even if you’re not a runner, you can walk 3 miles. But, if you can’t or don’t like to walk- that’s ok too. There are always hundreds of people along the course cheering others on. That’s a great job in itself, because it’s REALLY hard to run 26 miles with no cheerleaders. Not that I would know personally, of course, but that’s what David tells me. :) There is a registration fee for the race itself, and an additional $25 fee to sign up for the heroes program. I know that’s kind of pricey, but that $25 goes directly to the hospital in memory of Hanna. That will also get your name added to our Hanna’s Heroes page. Like I said, there’s really not much more we can do for Hanna. This is something good we can do because of her. I love you all and want to thank you for everything. I don’t know where I would be without the love and support that I have from my friends and family.

Hanna, I miss you so much sweet girl. I can't believe you've been in Heaven for 3 years. I'm so happy that I was picked to be your mommy. I'm so proud of you! I think about you every single day. You are a part of me, and I love you so much. I can't wait to see you again, forever this time.

Thursday, July 12, 2007 3:17 PM CDT

I just wanted to let everyone know that we have officially formed a team for the St. Jude Marathon this year. We are going to be “Hanna’s Heroes.” The date is Saturday, December 1, so mark it on your calendar. I’m hoping that we can have a lot of participation, especially from our friends and family. I know it’s sometimes cold in December, but it’s for such a good cause and a fun way for us to remember Hanna.

The race actually has 3 different parts. There is the marathon which is 26.2 miles, the half marathon, and then the 5K which is only 3.1 miles. For those who don’t like to run, the 5K is perfect. There are always lots of people who just walk that. And, even if walking 3 miles is just not your thing, we would LOVE to have cheerleaders along the way. I’m going to get us some t-shirts ordered in a bright color so that even though everyone may not know each other personally, we will all know who is on our team, cheerleaders included.

I have just gotten our team page set up, so right now I’m the only one officially “on the team.” It will be fun to watch as other people start joining me. You can go
here to register for the marathon, half marathon, or 5K. This registration will also give you the option of becoming a St. Jude Hero. This is what you want to do in order to join “Hanna’s Heroes.” Once you register, you will get an e-mail 2-3 days later with a link to join a team.

Monday, June 18, 2007 11:07 PM CDT

I have finally given in to the pleas for an update. I really do want to update more, it’s just so hard to know what to say. This website has always been about Hanna. It was made for her, originally to help people stay up to date on what was going on with her. It quickly became so much more than even that. It became a place where people not only kept up with Hanna, but where they “met” her as well. It also didn’t take long for it to become a major source of strength for me. The daily guestbook entries that were left quickly showed me that this fight was more than just between us and cancer. So many people around the country, some even from other parts of the world, cared about my sweet little girl and everything that she so courageously endured. It helped open my eyes to how many people were touched by her life, and that in itself is a gift that I can’t even begin to describe.

But, here we are now. Almost 3 years since we said “goodbye for now” to our daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, friend. What is there to say?? How do I explain to someone who has never been in my shoes how incredibly broken my heart still is? Yet, at the same time, how amazingly thankful I am that I was able to be mommy for 3 ½ years to one of God’s angels. I miss her so much that it hurts. I’m so thankful that I know she’s in Heaven. It’s just that Heaven is too far away.

I’m not trying to say that I’m not going to update anymore, because I definitely will continue. It makes me sad when I run into people that tell me they quit checking because I never update. I know that’s to be expected. I guess I’m still just so afraid that people will forget. I can’t stand that thought. I always want Hanna to be remembered and thought about. She may not be here on Earth, but she is still with us every moment.

On that note, we have decided to once again form a team for the St. Jude Marathon. This event has always been very special to us, but we’ve actually only had a team in honor of Hanna once before. I think it will be fun to raise money for the kids of St. Jude while remembering Hanna in such a neat way all at the same time. We don’t have a team name yet, so if there are any ideas, I would love to hear them. :) I’m not very creative.

Stay tuned for more details about the St. Jude Marathon! Remember, they also have a 5k if you’re not a runner. We would also LOVE to have LOTS of cheerleaders along the course.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 11:05 AM CDT

I'm at school right now and my kids will be back in just a few minutes, but I will update soon. I just wanted to post this in case there is anyone nearby that would like to join us Thursday night to see Ronell.

I know it's going to be wonderful! If you get a chance, visit Ronell at www.caringbridge.com/tn/ronell to let her know you're thinking of her. She's such a sweet girl with a sweet spirit.

Monday, January 15, 2007 9:34 PM CST

January 15, 2002 - the day that life changed forever

It started out just as any other day: alarm clock ringing at 6 am, getting dressed for school, getting Hanna ready for the sitter, and then out the door. But, it wasn’t just any other day. At 10:15 in the morning, my phone rings. “Did Hanna hurt her neck?” Every moment of that day seems to be etched in my mind so clearly, almost as if it were just yesterday. But, it wasn’t yesterday. It was 5 years ago. I remember exactly where my phone was, where I was standing, what I was doing. I remember thinking how strange it was that Hanna was tilting her head to the side. Must be an ear infection. That’s the only explanation, she’s just off balance a little because of an inner ear infection. If only it had been an ear infection.

After the CT scan, we were to come home and wait for a phone call. “There is a mass in the base of her brain, she will need to come back in the morning for an MRI to get a clearer picture.”

A Mass?? In her brain?? My little girl?? I don’t think so. I remember thinking that I couldn’t wait to get that MRI. It must have just been a smudge or something. Tomorrow they will see that this is just a big mistake. I remember thinking that, but I also remember asking myself, “then why is her head tilting if there’s no ear infection?” Maybe deep down I knew, but just wasn’t ready to admit it to myself. Who knows?

I’ve been thinking about this all day. A part of me would like to write a play by play of everything that happened. I’m not sure why. Maybe I just want to make sure no one forgets. Maybe I just want to remember myself - everything - the good and the bad. Another part of me feels like I shouldn’t focus on those days. Those days did not define Hanna. She was so much more than that. She was a remarkably beautiful, funny, spirited, sweet little girl who lived a wonderful life. No matter what she had to face, she did so bravely, and usually even happily. Chemotherapy, radiation, surgeries, medicine, spinal taps, eye patches, blood transfusions, blood draws, low blood counts, the list goes on and on. But through all of this, St. Jude was still her favorite place to be. That was her hospital, and she loved it and everyone there.

If I had the choice, of course I would change the ending of this story. What mother wouldn’t? But, I can’t. I have to accept it, as hard as it may be. However, I am happy to say that although I would change the ending, I wouldn’t change the story itself. If she could not stay here with me, if God was going to take her home no matter what, I’m glad we have the story that we have. It may sound strange, but I’m thankful for the cancer. It gave me an opportunity that many parents don’t have when they lose their children. I was able to drop everything, and focus on Hanna for 2 and a half years. Since I knew that it was possible that she might have a short life, I was able to make every minute count to the best of my ability. It also gave me the opportunity to see the true meaning of friendship in action. We had incredible support. I was also able to experience firsthand many of God's promises that most only read about. Those things, I would not change. Those were gifts for which I will always be grateful.

Still,

If only it had been an ear infection.

Monday, December 25, 2006 11:16 PM CST

Merry Christmas!

I know it's almost over now, but there was a sweet poem left in the guestbook I thought I'd share.

A Mother's Day Wish From Heaven

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven,

and though it must appear

A rather strange idea,

I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit,

your stores to find a card

A card of love for my mother,

as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,

every card you could imagine

Except I could not find a card,

from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too,

no matter where I reside

I had to leave, she understands,

but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you,

that you would come to know

That though I live in heaven now,

I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me;

we still share laughter too,

Memories our way of speaking now,

would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart,

her tears she hides from sight.

She writes poems to honor me,

sometimes far into the night

She plants flowers in my garden,

there my living memory dwells

She writes to other grieving parents,

trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark,

though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way,

to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored,

and remembered too

Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark,

I know you'll do your best

I have done all I can do;

to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her,

how much she means to me

Until I can do it for myself,

when she joins me in eternity.

It was written by a mother who lost her son.

It's not that Christmas itself is harder than any other day. Every single day that we wake up without Hanna is hard. It's just that somehow the emptiness seems more profound. The fact that she should be here with us, right in the middle of it all, making us laugh and having a blast, is a bit overwhelming. On top of that, every store you go to is filled with things that we should have been buying for her. It’s so hard to see all these great gifts that I know she would have loved. But, even harder than that, is thinking about all the things that she might have loved, but that I will never know about. Would she still love Dora, Spongebob, and the Disney Princesses? I’m sure she would. But, what about Barbie? Horses? Strawberry Shortcake? What would she have outgrown by now, and what would take it’s place? Which gifts would we buying? Which gifts would she have wanted?

These are all questions that I will never have answered this side of Heaven. But this I do know, she was a gift to us. A beautiful gift of love, life, laughter, and happiness, and for that, we will always be thankful. We are also thankful for the gift of the many wonderful memories we hold so dear. But, most of all, we are thankful for the gift of Salvation, and the promise of Eternity. Because of this, we know we will see her again. Today, we are so sad because Hanna is not here with us, but we are rejoicing in the fact that we know she is celebrating Jesus’ Birthday with the King Himself! That is the only way we make it through not only Christmas, but everyday.

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Hanna,
As sad as I am for myself, I am so happy for you!! I can’t imagine the celebration that must be going on in Heaven. I miss you every moment of every day, with every breath I take, but I am so happy that God gave you to me, even if we were only together here on Earth for a little while. Just think, next time I see you it will be Forever! Until then, I will carry you in my heart. You are a part of me, and nothing can ever change that. Merry Christmas, and I love you, sweet girl.
Love,
Mom

Monday, November 20, 2006 8:41 PM CST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PRINCESS HANNA!!

It’s hard to believe that you should be 6 years old today. What a big girl!! We all miss you so much! We know you’re having a bigger party than we could have ever even imagined for you here, but we still wish we could celebrate with you. We do the best we can, but not having you here to blow out candles and open presents still makes us sad.

There are so many things that we wish we could show you, places we’d like to take you, and things we’d like to buy you. Everywhere we turn, everything we see, we think of you. You are a part of us, and as sad as we are that you are no longer here with us, we are so grateful for the time that we did have with you.

I can’t help but wonder what things you would like now, what you would want for your birthday, what your room would look like, or how long your hair would be. I guess I’ll just have to wait. One day we’ll catch up, and oh, what a day that will be!! For now, I can only imagine.

Goodnight, sweet girl. How I wish I could tuck you in. I love you.

Hugs and kisses,
Mom

Friday, November 3, 2006 10:30 PM CST

Once again, too long since an update. Thanks for checking in on us and thank you to everyone who has sent such sweet memories of Hanna to me. It seems that lately more people are telling me stories or little memories that they have. I LOVE THAT!! I know I’ve said it a thousand times before, but nothing makes me happier than to hear about Hanna and know that people still think of her. I know that no one is going to forget her, but it just makes my day to hear people talking about her. Thank you!

I changed the slideshow to one that I made using the song “Homesick.” I had to take the others off, because they wouldn’t stop playing so that “Homesick” could be watched. I’m not very computer literate, so I’m sure there’s a way. I’ll try to figure it out later so that I can have more pictures, but for now, I thought you might like to see this new one. I did it about a year ago, but I only just now realized I could put it on here. Thanks, Tom!

Well, I made it through another Halloween. Most of you know how much Hanna and I LOVED Halloween, especially after becoming a St. Jude patient. No one does Halloween like St. Jude. I can’t believe this was the third year that we didn’t get to dress up and trick or treat in the halls. I read on another website that A Clinic had a Candyland theme and the second floor did Disney World. That was almost more than I could stand. I know none of that is any match for what she has now in Heaven, but I just miss her soooo much!!! There are still so many days that I just think I can’t do this anymore. I really don’t think it will ever get easier. How could it??? It’s okay, though. I’m not sure I would really want it to get easier.

The Spotlight teacher at my school and her students are working hard to raise money for St. Jude. They are part of the Heroes program for the St. Jude Marathon. They officially started “training” today. They’ll be walking a mile twice a week during recess to get them ready for the 5k. The Memphis Riverkings mascot, Sheldon, came to school today to cheer them on. It was sweet.
Thank you, Mrs. Smith, for all of your hard work, for helping the kids at St. Jude, and for remembering Hanna in such a meaningful way. You can see a picture of them and check the progress they’re making on their Heroes Page.

Thanks again for checking on us, thinking of us, and praying for our family.

Monday, August 28, 2006 10:13 PM CDT

When I visited EmmaGrace's website, I found a link to a song written about St. Jude. You can listen to the song and watch the video if you CLICK HERE.

Monday, August 7, 2006 9:30 AM CDT

First of all, I want to say a big thank you to everyone who is still checking on Hanna’s website. Not that there’s been anything new on it in awhile, huh? But it really is nice to know that people still care and think of her regularly.

I don’t really have a good answer to the question I’ve been asked so many times about why I haven’t updated. The truth is it’s just hard, harder than I can even begin to explain. It’s not that I don’t want to, because I do. I think about it all the time. However, when this website was created, it was for Hanna. It’s always been about her. It’s been almost two years since she went to Heaven. (That’s the first time I’ve seen it in print.) I can hardly even say that. Two years since I heard her voice, smelled her hair, painted her nails, brushed her teeth, got her dressed, tucked her in bed, kissed her cheek....I could go on and on. After two years of updating her website, I do not know how to express any differently how terrible it is to know that I must live the rest of my life without hugging my baby, or how comforting it is to know that my sweet little girl can run and jump and dance on Streets of Gold while she waits for me.

I love this website, and I love watching the counter go up, and I especially love reading new guestbook entries, but I’m sure everyone is tired of coming back and never seeing anything new. But the truth is that there are things that are new in our life. New things that we can’t share with Hanna. It stinks!! Yes, we love our new house, it’s a great house. But, it breaks our hearts to know that we will never hear her footsteps above us in this house, or watch her scoot down these stairs, or play with her in this backyard.

Also, many of you know that we have recently started the process of adoption. We are going to adopt a little girl from China. We are so excited! But once again, heartbroken that we can’t share this with Hanna. However, I’d like to think that Hanna has already met her. After all, Hanna was our inspiration to reach out to a child that needs a home, a family, and lots of love. She taught us a new meaning to the word love. And as happy as we are that we will be adding to our family, we are still crushed that Hanna will never walk through our door, run down our driveway, or read to her new sister.

I know that all of these things are good, and I know that people are happy for us. We are happy, too, but these changes sometimes make us feel farther and farther away from Hanna. It seems as if nothing is the same as it was when we had her. That can be a terrifying feeling. Sometimes when I’m hearing how wonderful it is, and I’m smiling on the outside, I feel as if I’m screaming on the inside. I don’t know how to explain this mixture of emotions. It’s not that we’re not happy too, it’s just that none of this can fix anything. If we lived in a mansion and had ten more children, we would still have a huge void, a missing piece. Our lives will never be what they could have been had Hanna lived. Nothing can ever change that.

Has it really been two YEARS??? I still cannot wrap my mind around that. I have not found that it gets easier with time, or that the first year is the hardest. This has not been true for us. The more time that goes by, the farther away she feels. The more reality sets in, the more you begin to realize that this is it, this is the way it’s going to be. She’s not coming back. I think I miss her more and more everyday. But, I do know that she is fine. And I know that I’ll see her again. It just makes Heaven that much sweeter.

Many people have asked if we are going to do anything special on the 9th. Of course, we will go to the cemetery and release some balloons. We will probably eat out at one of her favorite places. And, we will think of her constantly. That one we do every day anyway. :) As for what everyone else can do for us on that day. We would like for you to pray for all of the children still fighting, and all of the families without their babies. For anyone that knew and loved Hanna, I would LOVE for you to drop me a note, either in the guestbook or by e-mail, of a memory you have of Hanna. It can be anything. Maybe something silly she said or did, or just a certain moment etched in your mind. There are many others who didn’t know her personally, but came to love her and care about her through this website. Maybe you could share how she touched you. It would really make a bad day better to spend part of it reading about my sweetie-hint,hint. :)

Friday, March 10, 2006 8:57 PM CST

Yes, less than a week and already a new update. :)

As many of you already know, we are going to be moving soon. We’re very excited about our new house. It’s being built right now. However, moving means packing, and that is bringing on a whole new set of emotions. Many people have been asking me if I’m sad about leaving this house or if it’s going to be hard to leave it. At first, I was a little concerned about it, but I truly have been given a peace about it. Hanna is not in this house. The memories we have of her in the house will never go away. They will be just as strong wherever we are and wherever we go in life. There is nothing that can take that away. However, the packing is a whole different story. I haven’t packed away any of Hanna’s things since she died. There just never seemed to us to be any reason to. Well, now there’s no other choice. It HAS to be packed. Just thinking about it is enough to be bring me to tears. I guess it’s not really so much the packing, as it is the thought of unpacking. What do I do with her things?? How can it be that she really won’t be there when it’s time to unpack? She would be so excited to be able to fix up a new room. I remember a few months before she died I bought some Disney princesses that cling to the wall. I didn’t show them to her right away. I went in and put them up and then told her I had a surprise for her. She was so excited. She started dancing (that’s what we called it, anyway:) and she said “me YUV my new woom!!” It wasn’t even really new, just a few new pictures. What would it be like for her to really have a new room that she could help me decorate? There are so many questions. It seems so unfair!

But, then there’s the other part of the story. She’s in Heaven. She doesn’t need Disney princesses. She has The Prince Himself! How cool is that?! I know she’s happy, and I know we will see her again soon. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Tonight, however, I was having a REALLY hard time keeping focused on that. Just when I thought I was going to lose it, I came to the computer. And guess what, He reminded me Himself! First, I got the sweetest e-mail from a complete stranger reminding me that many lives are changed because of Hanna, that her spirit lives on in so many hearts, and that she will never be forgotten. Then, as I was checking on our friend Cole (www.caringbridge.com/visit/wesleycolehardy), I read what his mom shared:

"Remember this-- a farmer who plants only a few seeds will get a small crop. But the one who plants generously will get a generous crop. You must each make up your own mind as to how much you should give. Don't give reluctantly or in the response to pressure. For God loves the person who gives cheerfully. And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others." 2 Corinthians 9:6-8

This was also very appropriate considering that I have given more of my time this week in memory of Hanna than I have in quite awhile. It’s not a coincidence that this has been a much better week than I’ve had in quite awhile. But, it doesn’t stop there. The very next site I went to had the words to the song “Angels Among Us.” Just in case you don’t remember:

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.

When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees.
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand.

And ain't it kind of funny that at the dark end of the road, Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope.

Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.

They wear so many faces; show up in the strangest places.
To grace us with their mercy, in our time of need.

So, needless to say, as sad as I am, I feel pretty overwhelmed with God’s love. He knew what I needed exactly when I needed it. Sometimes, He feels so far away. But, when things like that happen, it makes me realize that I’m the one who's far away. He has me in His Grip, and He will NEVER let me go!!

Thank You, Lord, for speaking to me tonight in a way which I could not ignore. Thank You for choosing me to be Hanna’s mommy, no matter how short my time on earth with her. Thank You for the promise of Eternity, and the Hope I have in seeing her again.

Thank you, Hanna, for the many memories you left us with. Thank you for changing all those who came to know you, and many more who will have to wait until Heaven to meet you. And, thank you for being such an inspiration. I will do my best to live a life to make you proud. I so wish I could hear you say just one more time, “I yuv you sooo much.” I yuv you, too, baby.

Saturday, March 4, 2006 11:29 PM CST

I’m sure it probably seems like I’m not going to update anymore. I can’t believe I somehow let three months slip by, but it’s just so hard. What is there to say?? Time is not helping, if anything it just gets worse. The more time that goes by, the farther away she feels. It’s not that I don’t want to update, I think about it everyday. I actually sit down to do it on a regular basis, but the words can never do the feelings justice. I am thankful that are still so many people who haven’t given up on me yet. I know people are still checking in. Some are still occasionally signing the guestbook, and the counter is still steadily going up. I just wish I had some words of wisdom, or something comforting to say, but the truth is that I’ve been pretty pathetic lately. It’s like I’m living in this new world, a different world than before, and one to which I do not belong. I feel so detached, and yet in my heart I also know that this is NOT how I want to be, nor is it how Hanna would want me to be. Yes, I want to be changed, but I do not want to be destroyed. Her life and her time here with us was just too precious for that. I know that nothing will ever be the same, but I also know that God cannot use a crushed soul. I truly want to do better, to be better. Maybe this update is a start.....

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matt. 5:4

Sunday, November 20, 2005 9:50 AM CST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET BABY GIRL!!!

I can’t believe Hanna would be 5 years old today. Five years ago today, I knew my life would be changed, but there was no way to know just how profound that change would be. It’s amazing how such a tiny little person can have such a huge impact. In the three and a half years that Hanna was with us on Earth, she touched many lives, brought with her a lifetime of memories, and changed us forever. The pain of missing her is indescribable and never ending, but the joy of knowing that my baby has the best of everything and is patiently waiting on me while she and her friends are playing in heaven with Jesus Himself brings comfort. How could it not??

I still can’t help but imagine life with her still here. What would she look like now? She would be such a big girl. How long would her hair have gotten by now? What would she want for her birthday? What would “I yuv you, mommy” sound like now? What movie would she be watching over and over until we had every line memorized? What book would she want me to read to her? Would she still say, “hold me yike a baby?” There are so many questions, and it breaks my heart that I’m her mommy and I can’t answer them.

God promises to be with us and comfort us in our struggles. I am so thankful for that promise. As hard as this is, and as miserable as it can sometimes feel, I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like without that.

I’ll go for now since I can’t see anymore. The tears have taken over. I plan to update again this week. I have a lot to say. (or type, whatever:)

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Hanna,
Happy Birthday, angel. We all miss you so much. I can't believe what a big girl you would be today. There isn't a moment that goes by that you are not thought about. I can't wait until we are together again. I love you with all my heart.
Love, Mom

Sunday, November 20, 2005 9:50 AM CST

Saturday, September 24, 2005 10:14 PM CDT

I can’t believe I’ve somehow let more than a month slip by without updating. Things have been pretty busy lately, which I guess is a good thing, but no matter how busy we get, missing Hanna NEVER EVER takes a back burner. She is always on our minds and in our hearts. Thank you to everyone who still checks on us. We still love reading the guestbook entries. A special thank you to those who refer to special memories they have of her. We love these!! Actually, it’s quite a gift to us for people to talk about her and write about her. EVERYONE loves to talk about and hear cute stories about their children. She is still and always will be our child. That never changes.

To those that may not know or remember, Monday, September 26, Chili’s will be donating 100 percent their profits to St. Jude. If you get the chance, try to eat there at least once that day. It’s something so easy to do to help support the children of St. Jude.

Speaking of the children of St. Jude, we have a new patient from our church recently diagnosed with Luekemia. If you get the chance, you could visit his website at www.caringbridge.com/visit/wesleycolehardy and offer his family some words of encouragement. I know they could use it. They are reading their messages everyday.

Before I go, I wanted to share something that was given to be by a friend. It’s a neat angle on the 23rd Psalm:

The Lord is my Shepherd
That’s Relationship!

I shall not want
That’s Supply!

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures
That’s Rest!

He leadeth me beside the still waters
That’s Refreshment!

He restoreth my soul
That’s Healing!

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness
That’s Guidance!

For His name sake
That’s Purpose!

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
That’s Testing!

I will fear no evil
That’s Protection!

For Thou art with me
That’s Faithfulness!

Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me
That’s Discipline!

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies
That’s Hope!

Thou annointest my head with oil
That’s Consecration!

My cup runneth over
That’s Abundance!

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life
That’s Blessing!

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
That’s Security!

Forever
That’s Eternity!

(NEW PICS IN THE PHOTO ALBUM!)

Friday, August 12, 2005 2:44 PM CDT

I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who participated in our balloon release Tuesday. Someone in EVERY state in America and at least seven other countries released a balloon in memory of Hanna!

I also want to say thank you for all of the prayers for our family this week. As strange as it might sound, the past few weeks have probably been some of the hardest. We're so thankful to have such a caring group of friends and family to support us through all of this.

Thank you for all of the messages in the guestbook. We LOVE reading them!

Friday, August 5, 2005 11:21 PM CDT

It's getting late, but I just wanted to leave a quick update on the balloon release. There are people in 39 states that will be releasing a balloon in memory of Hanna on August 9th. The only remaining states that I do not think are covered yet include HA, NV, NH, ND, RI, UT, VT, WA, WI, and WY. So, if anyone knows of anybody in these states who might like to join us, maybe we can cover the whole country. So far, there are 7 countries included.

Thank you to everyone who has been helping me to spread the word about this. I wish I could see the view from Heaven with all of these balloons coming up for her "Heavenly Birthday." Not sure if that's what it's really called:)

Don't forget to leave a message letting us know you will joining us if you haven't yet. I love you all, and thank you all for the prayers that have been going up on our behalf lately. We REALLY need them right now!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005 0:24 AM CDT

I’ve been sitting for some time now trying to think of something positive to say. I’m sorry to say that this month has been very difficult, and words of encouragement have not come easily. This is all just so stinking hard. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. It seems that lately things are harder than ever. I guess as more and more time passes by, the reality of it all really sinks in. It’s just amazing that it’s almost been a year, and I still can’t believe this has happened. How can she really be gone????!!!! It feels like this should just be some terrible dream that I can wake up from-wake up with her sweet face right next to me. She used to come into my room in the mornings and walk up and put her face right in front of mine and just stare at me until I woke up. She was just tall enough to be face to face with me. Sometimes, she would kiss me on my lips to wake me up. It was the sweetest thing. Oh, how I miss that! I think about it EVERY morning when I wake up. I miss her so much.

On a happier note, I am looking forward to the balloon release. I’m so excited that so many people are participating in this with us. Many people have e-mailed me asking if it’s okay to post the information about it on their website. I have tried to respond to everyone who asked, but in case I haven’t gotten back to anyone, my answer is absolutely. As a matter of fact, nothing would make me happier than for everyone to help me let people know about this. I would love for you to mention it on your website if you would like to. As of right now, there are over 30 states and 5 countries that will have people releasing balloons in memory of Hanna:)

Just in case you haven’t been here in awhile, I have been asking everyone to participate in a balloon release on August 9th at 5:00 pm CST in memory of Hanna. I have even made some little cards that I will be laminating that have her picture, a little message, and her website address. I’m hoping that people will find these and visit her site. It would be neat to see if people find them and let us know. If you want me to get some to you, just e-mail me and I’ll see what I can do. Some people have even said they have just put a little note inside the balloon or inside a baggie attached to the ribbon.

Thank you to everyone checking on us, and thank you to everyone helping us to remember Hanna through this balloon release. Remember to leave a message in the guestbook to let me know you will be participating.

Sunday, July 3, 2005 12:23 AM CDT

This time last year we were just getting to the beach with Hanna. She was afraid of the ocean, but we spent a lot of time in the sand building sand castles. One of our favorite memories is one night when there were fireworks on the beach. We all sat out on the patio. Hanna loved them. Every time they stopped for a minute she would started chanting “fireworks, fireworks, fireworks!” I can’t believe that was a year ago. It’s so weird how sometimes things feel just like yesterday, while other times it seems like a lifetime ago.

When I think of Hanna and those last few weeks, it amazes me at how brave she was. I know that she didn’t understand everything that was happening to her, but I also feel that God is with these kids in a way that we will never understand this side of Heaven. She never let the disabilities that took over her life so quickly in July get the best of her. She was playing and being silly all the way up until the day before she died. Thinking of that, it brings to mind a devotional I found on Stanton’s website. If you do not know Stanton, you should really check his site out (www.caringbride.com/la/stanton). He’s adorable and his parents are awesome. I’ve never actually met them in person, but we have mutual friends, and it’s apparent through the things that are written in his journal. Anyway, this particular entry is appropriate when thinking of Hanna and how she felt and acted the last month of her life. While we were frantic, scared, and desperate, she remained completely herself
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---Years ago, I was enthralled as I listened to a minister who for several years had faithfully served the church. His executive responsibilities had taken him all over this country. As he concluded his message, he told of
one of the most frightening yet thought-provoking experiences of his life. He had been on a long flight from one place to another. The first warning
of the approaching problems came when the sign on the airplane flashed on: Fasten your seat belts. Then, after a while, a calm voice said, "We shall not be serving the beverages at this time as we are expecting a little
turbulence. Please be sure your seat belt is fastened."

As he looked around the aircraft, it became obvious that many of the passengers were becoming apprehensive. Later, the voice of the announcer said, "We are so sorry that we are unable to serve the meal at this time. The turbulence is still ahead of us."

And then the storm broke. The ominous cracks of thunder could be heard even above the roar of the engines. Lightening lit up the darkening skies, and within moments that great plane was like a cork tossed around on a
celestial ocean. One moment the airplane was lifted on terrific currents of air; the next, it dropped as if it were about to crash. The minister confessed that he shared the discomfort and fear of those around him. He
said, "As I looked around the plane, I could see that nearly all the passengers were upset and alarmed. Some were praying. The future seemed ominous and many were wondering if they would make it through the storm.

And then, I suddenly saw a little girl. Apparently the storm meant nothingto her. She had tucked her feet beneath her as she sat on her seat; she was reading a book and every thing within her small world was calm and orderly. Sometimes she closed her eyes, then she would read again; then she would straighten her legs, but worry and fear were not in her world. When the plane was being buffeted by the terrible storm, when it lurched this way and that, as it rose and fell with frightening severity, when all
the adults were scared half to death, that marvelous child was completely composed and unafraid." The minister could hardly believe his eyes. It was not surprising therefore, that when the plane finally reached its destination and all the passengers were hurrying to disembark, ourminister lingered to speak to the girl whom he had watched for such a long time. Having commented about the storm and behavior of the plane, he asked why she had not been afraid.

The sweet child replied, "Sir, my Dad is the pilot, and he is taking me home."
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Isn’t that awesome? I truly believe that even when I was still holding Hanna in my arms, Jesus was holding her hand. That’s such a comforting thought.

I know this has been long, but I can’t write a new entry without mentioning the balloon release. On August 9th, anyone who lives close by can join us at the cemetery at 5:00. We won’t being actually doing anything formal, just releasing our balloons together in honor of Hanna. However, you in no way have to come to the cemetery. I’m asking that everyone everywhere join us in this. There will be balloons going up at 5:00 CST for her all over the world. Thank you to everyone who has e-mailed me or left a note in the guestbook to let me know you will be participating. I want to know about as many as possible. It’s nice to see how many people still think of Hanna.

Friday, June 24, 2005 10:21 PM CDT

I can’t believe it’s been so long since my last update. I’ve been staying pretty busy lately, but I can’t run from the sadness. I think the fact that a year is right around the corner has me very emotional. I say emotional, because there is such a mixture of different things going on in my mind. I know that sadness is something that will ALWAYS be there. I’m sad because she’s not here with me. I’m sad because I’m missing so many things that I should be doing with her. I want to see her, touch her, smell her, hug her, kiss her. I want to hear her sweet voice. I’m sad because I don’t know how long I will have to wait to see her again. Yes, all of these things are about me, and I KNOW that is selfish. I just can’t help it. We all miss her so much. Our lives will never, ever be the same. But, I am not sad for her. I am so very happy for her. I can only imagine the fun she must be having. She has a new friend in heaven, too. If you do not already know Emma Grace, you should visit her site. She has a wonderful family, and I know they would appreciate it-not to mention the fact that she’s absolutely adorable!

I want to say Thank You to everyone who helped our friend, Gray Noel. He is such a neat kid! His birthday was this week, and he turned 15. For those of you who do not know Gray, he is also a brain tumor patient at St. Jude. His tumor is growing again for the 4th time. Please, please say a prayer for Gray and his family. He has an MRI in a few weeks. He doesn’t have a website, so I’ll keep you posted.

If you didn’t get a chance to read my last update about the balloon release for Hanna on August 9th go back to the journal history. I want everyone to know about it. Also, I want to say thank you to everyone who has e-mailed me or signed the guestbook to let me know that you will be participating. If you do plan to do this, please try to let me know. Caringbridge split our guestbook so it should make it faster and easier to sign in. I would LOVE to know who is doing this with us and where you are from. So far, we have at least 13 states and 3 countries covered. I think that’s pretty exciting!

Once again, thank you for continuing to remember Hanna and us. Your thoughtfulness is truly appreciated:)

Wednesday, June 1, 2005 7:41 PM CDT

As usual, I meant to update before now. Well, school is out so the main thing I’m trying to do now is just stay busy. Too much time on my hands is not a good thing. I went to St. Jude today to give platelets and to get on the National Bone Marrow Registry. It turned out that my iron was too low, so I’ll have to wait two weeks and take vitamins. If you are not on the Bone Marrow Registry, please consider doing this. There is a little girl at St. Jude who is just precious (www.caringbridge.com/tn/madelyn). She needs a bone marrow transplant, but can’t find a match. My heart goes out to this family. I can only imagine how desperate her parents must feel. There will be a bone marrow drive in her honor this Saturday from 10:00-3:00 at Cordova Taekwondo in the Shops of Wolf Lake on Germantown Pkwy. For the drive, part of the fee will be waived. I think it might cost $25.00 to get this done, but it’s well worth it. You can also get registered for free at St. Jude if you donate platelets. This takes about two hours, but your platelets will be used for the children of St. Jude, AND you can get on the registry. Can you imagine how incredible it would be to be a match for someone and to help save a life?

Since I didn’t get to give platelets today, and I went with a friend who did, I had about two hours to wander the hospital and visit friends. I never get tired of that place. It’s so amazing. I know it seems strange to some people, but there’s so much I miss about going to the hospital. The reason we had to go is horrible, but being there was fun. I know that sounds crazy to some, but it’s just part of what makes St. Jude different and so very special.

I can’t believe we are two months away from it being a year since Hanna was here with us. How can that be??? We miss her so much!! I know we’ll see her again, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to live the rest of my life before I do. Just the thought is unbearable.

I’m thinking of having a balloon release on August 9th. She died at 5:15 that morning. Since that’s not a very appropriate time for a balloon release, I was thinking of maybe doing it at 5:00 in the evening. Some friends and family may gather at the cemetery, but what I’m really hoping for is that EVERYONE will participate in this with us. You do not have to go anywhere special. You could just step out your front door. The meaning will be the same. I just want everyone everywhere to release a balloon in honor of Hanna. I’m also hoping that anyone who reads this and has a website will mention it for me and help spread the word. I know that there were many people all across the world who were regularly checking on Hanna and praying for her. Many of these people might not visit her site much anymore, but might like to know about it. I just think it would be really nice for her to have balloons going up in her memory all across the country.

I’m so glad you all are still checking on us. It really does mean a lot to our family. Thank you!

Thursday, May 19, 2005 10:11 AM CDT

This is going to be a quick update since I am at school. I have to pick up the kids from music in about 10 minutes. But, I have a couple of things I want to mention. First of all, I just visited Emma Grace's website. It sounds like she is in need of lots of prayers right now. This sweet little girl has been in ICU at St. Jude for many weeks. Please visit her website to offer encouragement for her family. They are wonderful people. Her address is www.caringbridge.com/ar/emmagrace.

Also, for those of you who live close by there will be a car wash this weekend to help the family of Gray Noel. Gray is another St. Jude patient. He lives in Walls, and he is in the ninth grade at Horn Lake High School. He was originally diagnosed with a brain tumor (CPC) in April 2001. It is back for the fourth time. Gray and his family want to have a very happy summer since he will not be getting any treatment for at least a couple of months. So, if you're in the area, maybe you could drop by Auto Zone in Horn Lake on Goodman Rd. this Saturday between 10:00 and 2:00 to show your support for Gray. He's had a rough time the past four years.

Well, I better get going. I will be updating again very soon.

Sunday, May 8, 2005 9:13 AM CDT

I can’t believe that it’s been almost a month since my last update. I have been very busy with school lately, but I’m now finished-Finally! Now that that’s over and it’s almost summer, I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my time. I know I’ll think of something.

I didn’t realize until this week that Mother’s Day was so close. I guess that’s a good thing-less time to dread it. Another first that will be very difficult to deal with. It’s been 9 months now, and it still takes my breath away. It’s so hard to believe that in three short months it will have been a year ago. How can that be?? Speaking of one year, for those of you who do not check this site as regularly as you used to, please make sure that you stop by when it’s getting closer. I’m thinking of doing something small that I would like everyone to participate in.

One of our St. Jude friends, Emma Grace, is very sick. Please remember her in your prayers. She is just precious. She is currently doing very well with her cancer, but is now battling pneumonia as well as some other infection. Her website is www.caringbridge.com/ar/emmagrace. I also have a very dear friend who is in the hospital with pneumonia. She is getting better, but has a long way to go. Remember her as well. Her name is Pam.

While we are praying, there are a lot of mothers besides me who are having to face Mother’s Day without their babies. For many it will be the first, but I don’t really suppose the second, third, or fourth ones are much better. We will always wish we could hear them say “Happy Mother’s Day.”

I got an early present from a very good friend. It’s a purse with Hanna’s pictures all over it. I LOVE IT!! Thank you so much, Tina. She also wrote a poem for me. It’s so sweet. I’ll end with the poem, but you may want to get some tissue before you read it:)

Happy Mother’s Day

Today I asked Jesus if He would let you know some way...
That from here in heaven, I wish you a happy mother’s day.

I know this day will not be easy and that you will be real sad.
I know that you will be thinking about me and all the good times we’ve had.

I’ll be thinking of you too and I want you to know...
That my love for you is with you wherever you may go.

It’s OK to miss me, Mommy - cuz I miss you, too.
But, Jesus needed me here in heaven
I have so much here to do...

I’m spending time with Jesus and my special St. Jude friends...
I’m taking good care of them, Mommy -
Especially “Big Ben.”

On this Mother’s Day – The first that we’re apart,
Know that I am with you - I’m always in your heart.

So from here in heaven, I just want to say...
You are the very best Mommy and...
Happy Mother’s Day!!

-Tina Sommer

Thank you, Tina!

Sunday, April 10, 2005 10:04 PM CDT

As you know, we had Remembrance Day this weekend at St. Jude. It was truly a roller coaster of emotions all weekend. We were thrilled to see so many of our friends that we haven’t seen in quite some time. Of course, the excitement was definitely dampened by the fact that our children were not there with us. It just didn’t seem right. I still can’t believe how many families were there. There were many families that I knew only through CaringBridge, but was able to finally meet in person. There were some families that I wish I had known before this weekend. All in all, it really was a good weekend. The hospital did a great job remembering not only our children, but us as well. We even had a butterfly balloon release at the end. I love St. Jude!!!

Speaking of loving St. Jude, I’m beginning to start thinking about organizing a fundraising event in our area. I was thinking about a 5K, but I’m not really sure where to begin. I would love any helpful hints. My e-mail address is tammy_pinnow@yahoo.com.

Also, we’re trying to recruit runners for the St. Jude marathon and half marathon in December. I know this is early, but you need to start training if you are thinking of running. I should probably take my own advice:)

I also have some sad news. Yesterday morning we lost another sweet baby to this terrible disease. When Danny Thomas started St. Jude, he said "No child should die in the dawn of life." For so many St. Jude families, employees, and supporters, that quote is famous-it's everywhere. I think we see it so much that we almost don't even think about it. I've thought about it a lot this weekend. It's so true. Children should not have to face these things. The good news is that they do not have to face them alone. St. Jude is definitely doing their part in working towards the day that no child will "die in the dawn of life" because of cancer. I'm so sorry that they couldn't save Hanna, but I know she was in the best hospital in the world and that they not only did everything they could for her, but that they loved her. I know in my heart that one a day a cure will be found, and I truly believe that St. Jude will find it.

Okay, I think I'm getting on a soapbox now. I could go on forever about that hospital. Please remember Noah's family in your prayers. Try to visit his website. I'm sure his mom and dad would love the encouragement. www.caringbridge.com/nm/noah

Sunday, April 3, 2005 8:55 PM CDT

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve updated. It just seems there not much to say lately. I’ve been subbing at school, so that’s helping to take up my time, but I just feel there’s something more I should be doing. I’m just not quite sure exactly what that is right now. I’m sure that when the time is right, I’ll know.

I am so sad to say that another one of our caringbridge friends has passed away. Emerald had the same type of tumor that Hanna had. Please visit her website if you get a chance and let her family know you care (www.caringbridge.com/mi/emeraldisle).

I know this is a short update, but next weekend is Remembrance Day at the hospital. I’m sure I’ll have plenty to say about that.

Thank you for stopping by. It still makes me happy to see that people are still visiting, and I still love reading the guestbook entries.

Sunday, March 13, 2005 11:28 AM CST

Hanna got her bench yesterday! I really like it. It has some of her favorite things on it-Cinderella, Snow White, Strawberry Shortcake, Spongebob, a picture of horses, and Dora the Explorer. I know she would love it. As much as I like it, it makes me so sad to think why it’s there.

This has been a really hard week for me. I have been very busy, which usually seems to help, but this week I think it may have just intensified the situation. I have been covering for a second grade teacher who is having a baby. I have enjoyed it, but I’ve also had a lot of work to do for the classes I’m taking. Anyway, I keep waiting for the day when things will not seem like they are only getting harder and harder. Who knows if that will ever come? I know they will never, ever be easy. I don’t even think I would want them to be. It’s just that with every passing month, reality sinks in more and more and I think of all the things she would be doing, the things that she should be doing, the things that WE should be doing together. To say that it breaks my heart doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of how it feels.

Nest month, St. Jude will be having Remembrance Day. I know that in many ways it’s going to be wonderful remembering our children and all the happy, funny moments. So many of our dearest friends that we spent so much time with at the hospital will be there. Of course, we will be thrilled to see them. It’s just for all the wrong reasons that we will all be at the hospital together again. It wasn’t supposed to be this way!!!!

I’m sorry if this entry is so negative or depressing. There are good moments, too. I keep reminding myself that although Hanna’s life was short, it was so very full. She had such a great time while she was here, and I can’t even begin to imagine the time she’s having now. I wonder if she has shown Ben everything yet. I can’t imagine how long it might take with so many wonderful things to show, especially since she’s having to work it in between all the Candyland games:)

Please remember Ben’s family. They are just beginning this journey. Try to drop them a line of encouragement if you get the chance. I know they would appreciate it. (www.bens-story.com)

I am trying to add a picture of Hanna’s new bench to the photo page. For some reason, I have a lot of trouble with pictures on the website. That's why I never change them. Anyway, if it's not there now, check back later. I am going to try really hard to get it on there some time today.

HELP-I think I have the picture posted, but it's too big to view. Is that my computer or something I've done that can be fixed? If any caringbridge friends can help, e-mail me please. I'm not very good at this sort of thing.

Saturday, February 26, 2005 7:26 PM CST

I know that many of you have been following Ben Bowen (www.bens-story.com). He died last night at 5:32. He’s had a really rough time the past couple of months, but thankfully when the moment came, he was peaceful. We know he is happy now and finally free from this horrible disease. We are so happy for Ben, but so sad for ourselves. We are tired of seeing child after child being taken away from us. We know they are in a much better place, and we do not doubt for a second that God has a much better plan than we can even begin to imagine. But as mommies and daddies, we cannot help but to still be HEARTBROKEN. We miss our babies. We miss their touch, their smell, their faces, kisses, hugs, smiles, tears, everything about them. We are so thankful for the promise of heaven. We know we will see them again. I can just imagine how happy Hanna must be to see Ben again. I bet she has so much to show him. I can just hear her now.

I am out of town now, but will update again next week. Thank you for checking in on us! We loveyou.

Thursday, February 10, 2005 10:57 AM CST

I can't believe that yesterday was six months since I have held my sweet baby. In some ways, it seems like I am stuck in time, and it was only yesterday. But then again, when I think of how much I miss her, it seems like forever ago.

This week has had several dates that have brought back the memories of when this all began. It was February 4, 2002, that we were told Hanna's tumor was indeed cancer. On February 8, she had her first brain surgery. As bad as things were then, we were full of so much hope. Although things did not turn out the way we had planned, I'm so thankful for the hope that we had then. We still have hope now, it's just a different kind of hope. Our hope is in our Heavenly Father and the promises that He has given us. We know that will see Hanna again, and for that we are very hopeful. We are also thankful that He is in control, and that we can trust Him to keep His promises.

I need to go for now, but please remember to keep Ben and the entire Bowen family in your prayers. Pray that Ben remains comfortable during the time that he has here with us, and pray for strength and peace for his family. Don't forget to visit his website (www.bens-story.com) and order you Big Ben wristband. They are working hard to raise money for St. Jude in honor of Ben. It's just like them to continue to think of the others in this fight, even as they face the toughest of situations themselves.

Saturday, January 29, 2005 8:14 PM CST

Well, here we go again. I said I was going to update more often, but it’s been two weeks once again. It has, however, been a very busy two weeks. Anyway, thank you for your continued prayers for Ben and his family. They are going through some very trying times and definitely need our prayers. I know that many of you visit his site regularly. I have had many calls about his bracelets. Actually, I don’t even have one yet. They have been ordered, but they are selling faster than they are being ordered. If you haven’t been able to get through, keep trying. I think Tom has posted instructions on how to correct that problem. We are all anxious to get them. It’s a great way to show support for not only Ben, but for St. Jude as well (all proceeds will be donated to St. Jude in honor of Ben).

Hanna’s headstone and marker were placed yesterday. This is a good thing because we have been waiting for awhile. However, it’s also a very difficult thing to see. I have kept her grave covered with things that she liked, and I have even kept pictures of her all around it. But this is different. I don’t really know how to explain it. I do like it, though. I actually love it in a strange sort of way. It has her picture on it with a butterfly on each side. Under her name is 2 Cor. 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you.” The back of it says “Our Princess.” On the marker, I put part of the poem “Remembrance” and a message to Hanna. There is also the St. Jude logo with some words about Hanna and cancer. This is what it says:

Remembrance

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open you eyes and see all she has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she’s gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

Hanna, we love you and miss you. You will live
in our hearts forever. You have helped us to become
better people. Thank you for all that you have left
with us. We promise to keep your memory alive
and continue to share you with others.

(The St. Jude logo)

Cancer may have taken her body,
but she was victorious over the cancer itself.
She was happy, active, and playful through it all.
She lived life to the fullest.

YOU ARE FOREVER OUR PRINCESS

I am going to try to put a picture of it in the photo album as soon as I post this, so hopefully it’s already there by the time you read this. She is also getting a bench, but that won’t be in for about another week. I’ll get a picture of that when it’s placed, too. For those of you nearby, you should try to go see it if you can. The picture really isn’t very good.

Well, I finally got a copy of the letter everyone has been referring to in Hanna’s guestbook. It’s about Hanna from St. Jude. It’s really unbelievable. I would post it, but there are two different ones, and they are about four pages long. Besides, I’m not sure if ALSAC would want me to do that. Speaking of ALSAC, I know some people who work there check this website. So, to anyone who helped with it, I love it, it’s awesome- extremely sad, but very touching. Thank you for continuing to remember Hanna. I sure hope it helps. We must find a way to stop this!

I will update again soon. Thanks for checking in, and thank you so much for the guestbook entries.

Saturday, January 15, 2005 11:40 AM CST

I hope everyone has had a good new year so far. I wish I could say things were getting better here, but truthfully I have been pretty depressed lately. I think I probably need to go ahead and get a job. Waking up everyday and being here by myself seems to be getting harder and harder.

On a happier note, I did get to go to St. Jude this week and share Hanna’s story on the tour route for Country Cares. Many people asked me if it was hard coming back to the hospital. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. I can’t imagine not going there. St. Jude was a part of who Hanna was, it’s a part of who I am, and it will always be a part of my life. I love St. Jude.

Please keep Ben (www.bens-story.com) and his family in your prayers. Ben has been having a hard time lately with pain and just overall not feeling well. I know how hard this is as a parent to watch, yet not be able to make it go away. Tom and Jennifer are strong in their faith. They know God is in control, but they still need our prayers. This is tough stuff to deal with. I know that while we were going through all of this with Hanna (and even now), the prayers of others helped to see us through.

I know that many people are still visiting Hanna’s website. The counter is going up daily. It really makes me happy to see how many people still think of her so often. Don’t forget to leave messages in the guestbook when you can. Even though Hanna is not here for me to read them to, I still love getting them.

Sunday, January 2, 2005 10:17 AM CST

I can’t believe it’s already a new year! It’s so hard to think about starting a new year without having Hanna here with us. On one hand, I guess I should be glad the year is over. In many ways, it was the worst year of my life. I had to say goodbye to my daughter. My life has changed and things will never be the same.

However, a lot of really wonderful things happened this past year, too. Hanna was potty trained and got to wear “big girl panties.” She was so excited about that. Her hair got long enough to be put in a ponytail and pigtails. It looked so cute. I was very excited about that. I got to paint her fingernails and toenails more times than I can count. We both enjoyed this. We spent countless hours laughing, playing, and snuggling while everyone else was in school. These are memories that I will always treasure.

This was also the year that many other exciting things happened. She got to take her Make-A-Wish trip to Disney World which was the happiest week of her life. We made memories there that our family will cherish forever. And, when things began to look really bad, our friends and family made sure she had a chance to go one more time. This was a gift we will never forget. She also had the birthday party of a lifetime. It was like a little carnival. We were able to go with her to the beach, build sandcastles, and watch her “swim like the little mermaid.”

This was the year that I started this website and was able to see how God used Hanna’s life to make a difference in the lives of people all over the world. And, it was the year that my friends and family came together to not only show their love for Hanna, but to help hold me up as my world was falling apart. True friendship could have been defined by watching my life this past year. Thank you could never be enough for kindness and love we were shown.

These are all just a few of the many good things that happened in the past year. So yes, 2004 held heartache that could never be put into words, but it will also hold some very happy, very special memories, as well. After all, it was the year that taught me new meanings for the words hope, grace, and love. It will be a year close to my heart forever.

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Saturday, December 25, 2004 0:22 AM CST

I know I haven’t updated in awhile. Things have been rather busy lately. I want to do better with that because there are so many things that I think of during the day that I would like to write. I just got back last night from visiting the Bowen’s (www.bens-story.com). I was so glad to see them. They are such great people. I wish I could make things all better for them. Please visit their website to let them know you are thinking of them if you get a chance. They also have another prayer request. Rachel, Tom’s 7 year old cousin, was hit by a car and is in critical condition. Please say a prayer for her and her family, as well.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas. I know it will be very difficult for many of us to face Christmas without our children. So many of our friends have lost their children this year. Sometimes this seems like a very lonely thing to go through. The sad thing is that we are not alone. You don’t have to look very far to find numerous others. Please remember all of these families in your prayers also.

As sad as this day will be in so many ways, I can’t help but imagine the celebration that Hanna is a part of in Heaven. She has always loved birthday parties. Imagine a birthday party for Jesus! As much as I miss her and wish she could be here with me, I know she is having a blast. I wanted to post this poem. I’m sure many of you have read some version of it, but in case you haven’t, here it is.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away. We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, loved ones. You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my unending love.
After all, love is a gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and hold each other, as my Father said to do.
And count it as a blessing, the love He has for you.
So, have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

The original poem was written by Wanda Bencke for her daughter. I’m not sure if this was the exact version written by her.

Thank you for thinking of us, praying for us, and checking in on us. I know Hanna touched the lives of many people and that she will NEVER be forgotten. But, when I see how many people still check her website, it helps to remind me that her life was part of a much higher purpose. Thank you all for being a part of that and a part of her.

Merry Christmas, Princess!! I love you, Hanna.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004 10:57 PM CST

Something strange is happening with our slideshow. Occasionally, it is showing someone else's pictures. I do not know who these people are. I went to zeocast to try to make a new slideshow, but I'm having problems because I don't have high speed internet. Anyway, if you get Hanna's slideshow, great. If not, I will hopefully have it fixed soon. I've been wanting to change the pictures for a while now anyway, so this gives me a good reason:)

If you have not visited Ben's site lately, please do so now. His MRI did not turn out like we had hoped. He needs a miracle. Please continue to pray for him and his family, and drop by his site if you get a chance. Let them know we are thinking of them and praying for them.

Nothing new to report around here lately. I am not looking forward to Christmas, obviously. At this point, I just want it to all be over. I know that sounds really terrible. It's just all so sad. Not that the new year will make things any better, though. I am planning to go back to work in January. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do at this point. I'll probably take a classroom for a teacher who will be on maternity leave. That way, I'll be working, but not totally committed for the rest of the year. I'm not even certain that teaching is what I want to continue to do. I have always loved it, but I've walked down a new path in life, and who knows where that may take me. However, it will help keep me busy for a while. The days are starting to get longer and longer at home by myself.

There are two more families (that I know about) at St. Jude who have lost their children to cancer this past weekend. If you get a chance to drop by and offer encouraging words to their families, I'm sure they would be greatly appreciated. Helen Garner is a baby girl who had a brain tumor, and Aaron Hunter is a little boy who had neuroblastoma.

Hopefully, this update was not too depressing. I will update again as soon as I can get a new slideshow ready.

----------------------------------------

I'm not sure why Aaron's link isn't working. His address is www.caringbridge.com/il/aarondhunter.

Sunday, December 5, 2004 10:10 PM CST

We did it! I know we weren't as prepared as we should have been, but we actually did better than we expected. I think we're all a little sore today. David hurt his foot, but I think he's okay now. We all plan to continue training and do better next year.

Again, thank you to everyone who helped us reach our goal. It meant a lot to us to know so many people were behind us. We even had our very own cheerleaders at the race. Pepper, Emily, and the Bowens met us at different places on the course with signs to cheer us on and to help us remember why we were doing this to ourselves:) It really was such an encouragement to see them. They had signs with Hanna's picture on them. It was very touching.

Remember, Ben has an MRI Tuesday. Please keep him and his family in your prayers (www.bens-story.com).

Friday, December 3, 2004 9:08 PM CST

Well, ready or not, tomorrow is the big day. I know I'm not as prepared as I should be, but I'm also confident that I'll finish it one way or another. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach our goal. We have raised almost $5,000 for the hospital. We could not have done that without your help. They are extending the deadline for giving until the end of December, so it's still not too late. I know that a lot of people have been calling us this week wanting to give. This is such a busy time of year that it's easy for time to slip away. Anyway, thanks again to everyone. I know Hanna would be so proud of us all.

To anyone who will be at the race tomorrow, we should be easy to spot. We will all be wearing white shirts with Hanna's picture on the front and back. I used the same picture that is on David's hero page . I KNOW Hanna would be proud of that. She always loved seeing her picture anywhere.

Well, I suppose I better try to go to bed early tonight. I will update after the race to let you all know how we did. It will probably not be until Sunday, though. I'm afraid I may not feel well tomorrow afternoon:)

Remember, Ben has an MRI this week. He and his family are on there way to Memphis right now. They are coming early to show their support. Please pray that this test will show positive results. We want a miracle, and we KNOW God can give us one!

Sunday, November 28, 2004 8:06 PM CST

The dove release we had for Hanna last Saturday was beautiful (Thank you, Wings of Grace). Also, thank you to everyone who attended. It meant so much to us to have our family and friends there with us to remember Hanna on her birthday. We know there were many who were not able to be with us in person, but joined us in spirit by either lighting candles or releasing balloons. We are so blessed to have such great support from so many people. We can't tell you what it means to us.

Speaking of releasing balloons, if you haven't checked on Ben lately, this would be a good time to do it. While you are there, you can see what Eli did for Hanna. He had his dad write a message to Hanna on a pink balloon (Minnie ears)and then had the Disney princesses sign it. He then went to the front of Cinderella's castle to release it. How cool is that? Thank you, Eli. I know Hanna loved it.

Well, we've made it through Halloween, her birthday, the Spongebob movie, and now Thanksgiving. I know Christmas will be very hard. It was hard enough just to put up the decorations. We did put up special things for Hanna, though. We have been collecting ornaments of all her favorite things for a special Hanna tree. We actually have two small trees beside the fireplace just in remembrance of her. I know she would love them.

Thanks again for checking on us and leaving messages in the guestbook. I love them!

Saturday, November 20, 2004 7:05 AM CST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEET ANGEL!!

I miss you so much, and I wish you were still here with us. But, I know that I can’t even imagine the wonders of what surround you, not just today but everyday. I can’t wait until I see you again! I love you more than words can say. You will always be our princess.

This morning at 10:00 we will have a dove release in memory of Hanna and in honor of her birthday. We would love for anyone who can to join us. I read in the guestbook about people who live far away that will be lighting candles or releasing balloons because they can't be with us in person. I can't tell you what this means to me. I'm so thankful for so many people who keep Hanna in their hearts, so many of them who will have to wait until Heaven to even get to meet her. That's incredible. I think it's just more proof of what an awesome God we have. Hanna was so precious, and I would do ANYTHING to change things, but when I hear things like that it helps me to see that God's plan is so much bigger than I can even imagine.

Remember to keep Ben and his family in your prayers. You can visit them at www.bens-story.com to show you care. They are at Disney World now and having a blast, but will have to return to the real world next week. Ben has an MRI in early December. Pray for good results.

Speaking of the Bowens, what better way to remember Hanna and some her happiest days than at Disney World? David and I decided that after the dove release we would take a quick trip down there. Not only is that one of Hanna's most favorite places, but we will get to see the Bowens too. We really miss them since they have moved back to West Virginia. I know it will be very hard to be there without her, but it will also help to remember the good days and remind us that compared to Heaven, Disney World is nothing.

Only two more weeks to go! The marathon is Dec. 4. I must be crazy. I can't believe I'm going to do this. We reached our goal. Thank you to everyone who helped us to do this. I know Hanna is proud of us all. If you had wanted to give, it's not too late. Anything over our goal is just more money that the hospital will have in their search for a cure.

Saturday, November 13, 2004 10:32 AM CST

Well, here I go again waiting two weeks to update. I intend to update more, it just doesn't seem to happen. I know many of you keep up with the Bowen's and check on Ben regularly. If you haven't been to his site lately, maybe you could visit now and leave them an encouraging message in their guest book. Ben had his MRI earlier this week. The results were not what we had hoped for. There appears to be a lot of swelling in his brain. This causes increased pressure which can be dangerous for him. He and his family all need our prayers right now. They just left for Disney World this morning. Tomorrow is Ben's birthday, so let's all pray that they have a great trip and that Ben has a very Happy Birthday with Mickey Mouse! Next month, he will have another MRI to see if the swelling is any better.

I am so tired of this cancer! So many of our friends have lost children this year. I knew there were many just from St. Jude, but as I begin to check on all of the websites from around the country that I visited regularly before Hanna got sicker this summer, I found so many more of those chilren have passed away too. It's just so sad! I know that research has come a long way, but there is still so far to go. There are many days that are so hard, some seem almost unbearable. During those times, it's easy to feel so alone in all of this. But the horrible truth is that we are not alone. Every day, parents are facing this awful disease and having to watch their children go through so much without being able to do anything about it. It's so unfair.

Halloween was as bad as I had imagined it to be. It was actually worse. And, just as we make it past that, it's now time for her birthday. The day before her birthday is the day the Spongebob Movie comes out. As silly as it sounds, I think I'm dreading that as much as the other days. She loved Spongebob so much and she couldn't wait for her birthday to see the movie. One day a couple of weeks before she died she said, "I'm gonna see Spongebob Movie on my birthday and nuttin's gonna stop me!" I hope she got the sneak preview:) It's really going to break our hearts that we can't take her to see it. The only question now is if we should go see it. On one hand, she would probably want us to see it, but on the other, I can't imagine going without her. Everything is so hard!

Speaking of Hanna's birthday, Wings of Grace has offered to do a dove release in memory of Hanna on her birthday. We will do this at 10:00 in the morning on November 20 at the cemetery. I have tried to tell all of our friends and family to help spread the word for anyone who might want to join us. I know that day will be hard, but this is something to focus on and a special way to honor Hanna on her day.

I know this has been another LONG update. If I wouldn't wait so long, I might could make them shorter. I hope I haven't made this sound too depressing. I think I'm sort of going through that right now. That's another good thing to be praying for. I know that this is all God's plan and He is with us through it all. We wouldn't make it through if it weren't for that truth, but there are times when the sadness is so overwhelming. It's indescribable actually. But God is good, and He has given me so much even through all of this. I know His grace is sufficient. This is just a very difficult time of year. Maybe it's worse because it's the first and because it's still all so new. We'll see.

Well, as you can see, there are so many prayer requests right now. Don't forget to visit Ben's site and pray for them. Also, not only my family, but all the families who have lost children. Hopefully, one day there will be a cure and some this can stop. For now, we can pray.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004 10:59 AM CDT

Okay, I am so very upset at the moment. I just typed a whole page of this journal entry and somehow lost it all. Anyway, I will try again.

I can't believe it's been two weeks since my last update. I meant to update last week when I returned home from the Bowen's, but I just kept putting if off. I was so glad to see the Bowen family. I just can't believe they are so far away now. But, they will be in Memphis soon for Ben's MRI. So, this is something we need to be praying about. The MRI will show the effects of radiation on the tumor. Pray that is has shrunk. He seems to be feeling pretty well, but he's tired a lot. I know this is bothersome to Tom and Jennifer even though the doctors say it could be side effects from the radiation, as a parent you can't help but worry if might be something else. They could use your prayers, as well. Pray for them have peace about all of this and strength to get through whatever may be ahead.

The marathon training is still going. That's about all I can say about it. David is doing really well. He ran 12 miles Saturday. Go, David!! Charlotte and I still have a LONG way to go. It just seems like things keep happening. The other day, she twisted her ankle pretty badly. She's such a trooper, though. We still went out running yesterday. The sad part is that I could still barely keep up, and I'm not even injured.

Well, Halloween is just around the corner. I wish I could just somehow skip over that day. Hanna and I loved going to St. Jude on Halloween for trick-or-treating. I usually enjoy being around things that she loved, but this is different. This year, I won't really have anything to do. Emily and Andrew will still want to trick-or-treat, but it's different because we went to the hospital in the afternoon. At night, when the other kids went out, Hanna stayed at home with me and helped with the candy. I know this is just the first of many hard days and many firsts. However, I can't imagine how any of them will be easy, whether it's the first or the hundredth. At this point, things just seem to get harder.

I will try not to wait so long before my next update. Thank you to everyone for continuing to visit this website. Even though I don't update as often as I did before, I still check the counter regularly to see how many people are visiting. It makes me SO happy to see how many people still think of Hanna so often. Thank you.

Friday, October 15, 2004 10:35 PM CDT

I know it's been awhile since my last update, but David and I have been out of town. We went to San Diego and LA. It was quite an experience. We have never been out west before, so it was new to both of us. We had a good time, but it's always nice to get home, too.

Tomorrow morning I will be leaving to visit the Bowen's in West Virginia. They went home last week. They are doing fine. I think the boys are really glad to be home. I know it's a little harder on Tom and Jennifer. As strange as it may sound, there's something very comforting about being at the hospital. At least you know you are fighting back. Please continue to keep this family in your prayers. We really want a miracle for Ben. He will be having an MRI in November. Pray that the radiation has gotten rid of this tumor!!

Thank you for your continued prayers for all of us. They really mean a lot to us, and have helped us (and are continuing to help us) get through this. I will update next week when I return home.

Monday, October 4, 2004 1:03 PM CDT

I just want to start by saying THANK YOU!! I can't believe we have already made over $1,000 for St. Jude. And, it's only been a week. That's incredible! Your support has meant so much to us. We started out by just wanting to do something in memory of Hanna. We had no idea we would do so well so quickly. I'm so thankful, though. This is just our way of trying to give back to the hospital that gave us hope, as well as two and half more years full of happiness with Hanna. For anyone who hasn't had a chance to check out David's page on the website for the marathon, CLICK HERE for a link to it.

As far as other things go, they are about the same. Still trying to stay busy. We are getting ready to go out of town, so that has given us something to look forward to, I suppose. We are going to San Diego. I have never been that far away. It will be nice to get away. It's just that nothing is really the same anymore. I go through most of my days trying to stay positive and focus on the fact that Hanna is in heaven. I know that she is happy and safe and that she is exactly where she is supposed to be. God is in complete control, and He hasn't made a mistake. I know all of these things beyond a shadow of a doubt. These are the things that keep me going. BUT, I still miss her so much! It's been almost two months now. I can't believe I haven't seen her or touched her or hugged or kissed her in two months.

Thank you for continuing to keep us in your prayers. I know we still have so many people praying for us. I hope you all know how much that means to us. I know that some days, it's the prayers of others that help me get through. So, when I say THANK YOU, I really mean it.

I know many of you check on our friends, the Bowen family, regularly. They are getting ready to go back home to West Virginia this week. St. Jude has given Ben all they have to offer. Please, keep Ben and his family in your prayers. Ben is feeling really good right now. He is a very happy baby. Let's all pray that Ben will respond to the radiation and he will have a lot of life ahead. God CAN perform a miracle. Visit Ben's Story and give their family some encouragement before they go home.

Sunday, September 26, 2004 3:18 PM CDT

Well, things are going okay here, I suppose. We have good moments and bad moments. I'm still trying to stay busy. That is actually going pretty well. In fact, I'm staying really busy.

I'm starting to worry about the upcoming holidays. The halloween costumes have made me sad. Hanna was a Barbie cheerleader last year and Cinderella the year before that. We loved going to St. Jude on halloween. They always decorate and have LOTS of candy for the trick or treaters. It was fun and I will miss doing that with her. After that, we still have to get through her birthday and Thanksgiving before we even get to Christmas. I know the next few months will be extremely difficult. But, I also know that she is so very happy where she is now. I just miss her so much!!

We are still training for the half marathon. It's going very well. Now, that doesn't mean it isn't hard. It's very hard, but we are sticking to our schedule and feeling pretty good about it most of the time. We feel much better about it AFTER we run:)

Speaking of the marathon, my husband, David, will be running as a St. Jude Hero. That means he will be raising money for the hospital through sponsors. All of the money he raises will go directly to St. Jude in memory of Hanna. If anyone is interested in donating you can contact me by e-mail or CLICK HERE to go to David's page on the St. Jude Heroes website. We just got this set up. We love St. Jude and are so grateful to them for so many things. Not only did they give us 2 and a half more years with Hanna, but they helped make those years wonderful. Hanna never thought of the hospital as anything but fun. She loved going, and she loved everyone there.

Thank you to everyone who still checks on us. I still love reading all of the guestbook entries.

Sunday, September 19, 2004 8:32 PM CDT

I just wanted to update and let everyone know that things are about the same here. David and I took the kids to Six Flags yesterday. It went well, but it was sad that we were all together like that without Hanna. Things like that will just never be the same. At least we know where she is and that she is happy. I don't know how people get through something like this without faith and without knowing they are with Jesus. I miss her so very much. Some moments are almost more than I can bear, but I know I'll see her again.

We are still training for the half marathon. It's going okay, I guess. At this point, thirteen miles is really seeming like a LONG way to run. We'll make it, though. I have confidence in us. We are really doing pretty well with the schedule we are following.

If anyone is planning to eat out tomorrow, Chili's is the place to go. They are donating ALL proceeds for the entire day to St. Jude. I will be eating lunch and dinner there, so I'll have to run extra hard this week:)

Remember Ben in your prayers. He's doing pretty well right now, but his counts are low and he is starting to have some congestion from the radiation.

Saturday, September 11, 2004 10:44 AM CDT

I know it's been awhile since my last update, but this has been the hardest week so far. I know I keep saying that, but it just seems to be that way. Thursday was one month since the day she died. Obviously, that was a very hard day. Tomorrow is my birthday, so that will also be another first. It's just so hard to comprehend that she is not coming back. I know that probably sounds crazy. I know she's not, it's just seems hard for it to sink in.

With today being September 11, I know there are many people out there dealing with memories of lost loved ones. Let's remember everyone in our prayers. Also, I've mentioned the Bowens several times (www.bens-story.com), and I know that many of you support them and have come to "know" them through Hanna. Well, Tom is in New York this week in remembrance of the 11th. He was a rescue worker. You can read their story on St. Jude's website (www.stjude.org). Anyway, we need to pray for a safe return home, and Jennifer also needs our prayers. While he is away, she has both boys at the Target House while still having to get Ben to all of his appointments, including radiation everyday.

On another note, my mother-in-law and I have been training for the St. Jude marathon in December. Actually, we are only doing the half marathon, but that is still quite a challenge. David will be running all 26 miles. He has to train on his own. I could never keep up with that. I'm sure David's dad will participate again this year also. This will be yet another way we can all honor Hanna. David and his family have been runners for years, but this is new to me. I hope I can keep up.

Thank you all again for continuing to check on us. I know I always say that, but I can't tell you what it means to me. You all have been so encouraging.

Thursday, September 2, 2004 8:00 PM CDT

I can't believe it's a new month. Maybe that has had something to do with the past couple of days being so hard. Who knows, maybe it will just continue to get harder and harder for awhile. As time goes on, the reality sinks in a little more each day. I guess that's normal. I know this will sound silly, but I have this strange feeling that I'm just tired of all this and I'm ready for her to come home now.

I know all of this sounds bad, but it's really just that I miss her so much. I haven't changed any of my feelings on all of this. I do know that she is in heaven and SHE is absolutely fine. God loves her and He loves all of us. And, although it's true that I miss her terribly, the Lord is definitely helping us all through this. Without His grace in this situation, it would be unbearable.

I have been trying to keep busy and I must say that I'm doing a very good job at it. That's about the only thing I'm doing a very good job at, though. By busy, I mean keeping busy doing nothing very constructive. I have spent a lot of quality time with some of my friends, though. That is constructive in its own way. However, I haven't done a lot of anything at home. It's such a wonderful thing for me that I have the absolute BEST husband in the whole world. I'm not just saying that, it's true. I am so thankful for him.

Thank you all for continuing to check on us. I still love reading the guestbook entries.

Thursday, August 26, 2004 8:47 PM CDT

Well, I know it has been a week since my last update. I would like to update more, but it seems that I just don't have the words to explain things. There has not been a lot of change since last week. Believe it or not, things still seem somewhat unreal. I have been trying to stay busy. However, it does seem that it gets a little harder every day. Each day brings it's own new challenges, as far as having to face reality. I can't believe that it has been more than two weeks since I saw her face, heard her voice, or kissed her goodnight.

Thank you all so much for the cards, calls, and guestbook entries. I know you all know how much they mean to us.

I have run into some people who do not know what has happened and will ask me about Hanna. When I tell them, they apologize for asking. There are others who do know, but do not acknowledge it. I know these things happen only because they are uncomfortable and do not know what to say. I want everyone to know that it is okay to talk about it. I never want anyone to feel they have to apologize for bringing her name up or to feel uncomfortable with me about Hanna. I love her, and I love talking about her. It would break my heart beyond belief for people to stop talking about her.

Please continue to keep Ben (www.bens-story.com) and his family in your prayers. He started radiation yesterday. Let's pray that he handles this well and that it helps shrink his tumor. His parents and his little brother Eli (Hanna's very good friend) could also use some prayers.

Thursday, August 19, 2004 9:29 PM CDT

Thank you to everyone who continues to check on us and leave messages in the guestbook. I can't tell you what it means to us. I still can't believe all of this has happened. Most of the time, I feel like it's not real. It feels like she is just not with me at the moment, maybe with my parents or at home with David. I know that sounds strange, but I'm not in denial either. I think that it's just part of God's grace. It does get a little harder each day, so maybe He's just giving it to me as I can handle it. I miss her more and more every day. I miss her smiles, hugs, kisses, and the way she said "I yuv you, mommy" the most.

I know there were so many people who prayed for Hanna during the past few months. I am so grateful for that. Thank you so much. I know that God did not give us the earthly healing we so desperately wanted, but He did hear our prayers. Above all, we prayed for God's will in her life. We also prayed that she would remain as pain free as possible, and that if He chose to take her, that she would be peaceful. Considering the battle that Hanna had to fight, she really did suffer very little. When she left us, she was as peaceful as we could have hoped for her to be. Thank you again for all of your prayers.

Now, we are the ones who need the prayers. I know you are all still praying for our family. It means more to us than we can say. We are so grateful for so many people supporting us through all of this. Everyone has been wonderful.

Please remember the Bowens (www.bens-story.com) also. They are really going through a difficult time right now. They really need encouragement and prayers, too. They are very dear friends of ours and we hurt with them over what they are having to go through with Ben. Please try to visit them if you get the chance.

Sunday, August 15, 2004 10:26 PM CDT

Well, we are home. I know I can't run from what has happened, but I just thought I needed to get away for a little while. Things still do not seem real to me. God is giving all of us the grace to find a way to get through this. I know it will get harder in the days ahead. I know Hanna is in Heaven and has no more fear or pain, but we are going to miss her so very much. She is such a joy and blessing to us. She loved us all so much and would want us to remember her happy times here with us.

Thank you to everyone who has left messages in the guestbook. I love reading them. They are so thoughtful, caring, and uplifting. I wish that I could say I have read them all, but I am still working on that. There are so many, and I haven't been able to get on the computer much lately. But, that is all about to change. I'm about to have more time on my hands than I know what to do with, so I'm looking so forward to reading each and every one. Please keep them coming. I'm not ready to stop using this website. It has helped me to be able to share Hanna's story with others. I just feel that there is still more to be shared. She touched so many lives, and it so evident by visiting this site.

I know I'm not writing my thoughts very clearly, but I felt I needed to update. I hope it has not been too confusing. I will update again in a day or two. Until then, I wanted to share with you what I wrote for Hanna's funeral. Our pastor shared it with those who were able to attend.

I wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone who loved, prayed for, and has supported Hanna, me, and our family through all of this. I am so very grateful to have such a wonderful group of family and friends. I also want to thank our Heavenly Father for choosing me to be Hanna’s mother. It is such an honor to have been able to share my life with her. Hanna’s life not only brought me joy, love, and laughter, but helped teach me the meaning of true faith.

I may not understand why things like this happen, but I must trust in God and know that He has the perfect plan. None of this is a mistake. Hanna is right where she is supposed to be. She will never suffer again, and we will be together again. In three and a half years, Hanna has touched more lives and turned more eyes toward the Lord than many people do in 50 or 60 years. She has given us so many gifts in her short life. We all have wonderful memories that will help carry us through. She has taught me about love and compassion in a way that I would have never known otherwise. She has brought so many of my dearest friends into my life that I would have never had the opportunity to meet if it had not been for Hanna. In so many ways, Hanna’s life was perfect. She came to earth, taught us things that will change our lives forever, and then went to be with Jesus before she ever had to experience wrongdoing or hurting anyone. She was kept innocent.

I ask all of you here to keep Hanna’s memory alive by thinking of her and talking about her. Never be afraid to say her name or celebrate her and her life.

Hanna we will always love you and miss you. You will always live in our hearts forever. You are my princess and I can’t wait to see you again.

Friday, August 13, 2004 3:16 PM CDT

Thank you so much for all of the comforting messages. It's so nice to know how many people we have that care about us. I'm still going to fill in all the blanks from the past week or so. But, right now I am about to leave for the weekend. I just wanted everyone to know that I have not forgotten and that I am so very thankful for all of you. Thank you for continuing to check on us. I will be back Sunday night.

Right now, Ben Bowen (www.bens-story.com)needs your prayers. As many of you know, he and his family are very dear to us. He is in the hospital. Please pray for a speedy recovery from his surgery yesterday. He is facing a hard road ahead. Check out his website and encourage his family if you get the chance. I know they would appreciate it.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004 7:23 AM CDT

This past couple of weeks have been very hard. Thank you to everyone who has supported us and left messages. I have seen how many there are. It is unbelievable. I can't wait to sit down and read each one. That has always helped me get through this.

Right now, things are very hectic and I have so many things I have to get done today, but I promise to come back and update this better. I will let you know what has been going on.

For now, remember-This is not a mistake and God loves Hanna so much. She is no longer suffering and is so very happy. We will miss her more than words could ever express, but we will see her again.

Please keep your messages coming. You have no idea what they have meant to me.

Monday morning, August 9, 2004

David asked that I let you know that Hanna passed away earlier this morning - she was peaceful and pain free.

Our hearts are heavy and broken for David, Tammy and the kids but at ease for Hanna - she is with Jesus now and healed of this disease.

Hanna's Funeral Arrangements -

Visitation:
Tuesday, August 10th 6-8 PM
Brantley Funeral Home
6875 Cockrum Street
Olive Branch, MS 38654

Funeral:
Wednesday, August 11th 2:00 PM
Colonial Hills Church
7701 Highway 51 North
Southaven, MS 38671

Flowers may be sent to the funeral home. Financial donations should be addressed to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. Please mark "In Honor of Hanna Gibson" on the memo line. Your gift will help fight this disease and a plaque will be placed on a memory wall in Hanna's honor. Mail your gift to:

St. Jude Children's Research Hospital
ATTN: Dr. Amar Gajjar
Mail Stop 260
332 N. Lauderdale Street
Memphis, TN 38104

Please continue to sign Hanna's guestbook and support her family through this difficult time.

Tom.

Last Night's Post:
Sunday night, August 8, 2004

Tammy asked that I update you this evening. First, she and David are grateful for the incredible support that many of you are showing them. They are overwhelmed by your kindness.

Since the last update, Hanna has not been doing very well. Many of her family and close friends are with her right now, loving on her and keeping her comfortable. They are monitoring Hanna's pain and are giving pain medicines as needed (very regularly at this time). Tammy and David are tired, but remaining strong and focused for Hanna and the entire family.

I want to encourage you to sign a note for Hanna and her family after you read this update... remind them that they are covered in prayer, love and support.

Recently, Eli (our 3 yr. old son) explained Hanna's tumor to me. He said it makes her sick and walk funny sometimes. He said that it's OK because he loves her and Jesus does too. No tumor can take that away.

Indeed, no tumor can.

Hanna, Tammy, David, Jason, Emily and Andrew - we love you guys.

Tom and Jennifer Bowen
(Ben and Eli's Mommy and Daddy)

Wednesday, August 4, 2004 9:35 AM CDT

So much has happened the past few days. I'm so sorry I haven't had a chance to update. I promise I've been trying, but it's been very crazy around here lately. Anyway, I will start with Sunday morning.

Sunday morning began normally. The Bowen's came by and Hanna and Eli played together in Hanna's little pool. She had a lot of fun. But, after her nap, she started complaining of pain. We gave her Tylenol and Motrin, but nothing seemed to help. The pain kept getting worse. The hospice nurse came by to help, and by the time we were finally able to get some morphine ordered she had settled down.

Monday morning we took her to the hospital for a CT scan to make sure there was not fluid causing even more pressure. This is when we found out that the tumor had been bleeding. That is most likely the reason for the pain. She slept all day Monday. She was only awake for about 3-4 hours all day Monday. Needless to say, we were extremely worried. However, yesterday she seemed as well as she was Sunday morning. She only took about an hour nap, and she played in the floor most of the day. I think it would be safe to say that the bleeding has stopped.

It's too early to tell how today will go. She slept okay last night, but she's really having a hard time with congestion.

At this point, we need LOTS of prayer. Of course, we need to pray for a miracle for Hanna. That is what we all want more than anything. But, we also need to pray that she will be pain free in whatever she must go through. It was heartbreaking to see her in so much pain and not be able to do anything for her. We do have stronger medication ready so that we will be able to better handle it next time. If we can help it at all, she will not go through that again. Let's just pray that it doesn't happen anymore.

Thank you so much for all of the prayers that are being lifted up for not only Hanna, but the rest of us as well. I know that at times like these, other people's prayers are so important in helping us get through it. Most of the time lately, I feel like my own prayers have become more cries of desperation than real prayers. But, I know God hears them all. I just want to thank everyone for helping.

Saturday, July 31, 2004 9:21 PM CDT

Today was a pretty good day overall. She spent the morning with some friends who came to visit. Ms. Tina and Morgan brought doughnuts, which is one of her favorites. Then we went to visit Aunt Char and her gang. Hanna got to play in the water a little. She is really enjoying that this summer.
Then, Ben and Eli got to come over this evening. We always enjoy seeing them. So, it has been a pretty eventful day. She has felt good for the most part. She has her moments everyday, but we deal with those as they come.

I know all of the things that are happening to Hanna must be very confusing and frustrating for her. I know I have asked for prayer for her emotional well being. Thank you for that. Keep praying for that, but she seems to be okay. She doesn't ask too many questions. She did, though, ask me yesterday while she was in the tub why she was so wobbly. I reminded her of the boo boo in her head, and she told me to spank that boo boo. That was so sweet and innocent, but also sad. If only I could spank it and make it go away.

Thank you to everyone who continually checks up on us, signs our guestbook, and prays for Hanna. We are so grateful for you all.

Friday, July 30, 2004 2:14 PM CDT

Well, this afternoon has ended up better than the morning. Hanna slept until 9:00. That is just NOT something Hanna does. She is usually up by 7:00, maybe 7:30 at the latest. So needless to say, I was very concerned. I kept checking on her and she seemed fine. When she finally did wake up, she threw up. That is not normal for her either. She doesn't usually have any trouble with that. However, by about 11:00, she seemed to be feeling okay.

Other than that, things seem to be about the same. She isn't wanting to drink much, so that's something else that's bothersome. She's always liked drinking a lot.

Ben (www.bens-story.com) had his MRI yesterday and got stable results. Good, but we want better. He will probably be starting radiation in about a month. Please visit their website if you get the chance. They are truly wonderful people, and have been such a blessing to us. We love them.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004 9:36 PM CDT

Hanna seems to be feeling a little better. We found out Sunday that she has a urinary tract infection, so she began antibiotics for that. Also, the congestion seems to be getting better as well. She's had two pretty good days in a row. As far as the other symptoms, things have gotten somewhat worse over the past week. For example, she can no longer use the walker and is even having trouble sitting up. These issues are due to balance, not strength. However, the past two or three days haven't really brought any new symptoms, so that is good news.

The hospice nurse came by Monday. That went well. She mainly just looked at her and chatted for a few minutes. I guess it's all part of the getting acquainted process. She will be back on Friday. She seems really nice. I'm sure Hanna will like her once she gets to know her.

Thank you to everyone who has been leaving guestbook entries. I love reading them. It is so amazing to me how many people check on her regularly that do not even know us other than through this website. From the guestbook, I found out that some soldiers in Afghanistan held a prayer circle just for Hanna. That is awesome. There are so many people that say they start their day by checking on her or praying for her. Others say that learning about Hanna has helped them hug their own children a little tighter or not take things for granted as often. But more often, people just say that they pray for her regularly. Knowing how many people that Hanna's life has touched and knowing how many people pray for her is not only a blessing, but it helps to ease the pain in its own way. It helps me to focus on the higher purpose-that everything works together for the glory of God. With that being said, it still breaks my heart that all of this is happening to my baby. She is so sweet and so precious and I would do anything in the world to take this away.

Saturday, July 24, 2004 6:50 PM CDT

Thursday morning Hanna did not feel well at all. She was on the couch not wanting to sit up or even talk. When I began taking her temp, it was only about 99, but by 11:00 it was up to 100.9 so we had to carry her to the hospital. By this time, it was 101.7, so they put her on fluids, IV antibiotics, and oxygen to see if that would help her breathing. She actually liked the oxygen and I think it made her feel better. Anyway, they took blood and urine cultures, but we still haven't heard anything yet. She is feeling somewhat better. Her temp is staying right around 99. She is still not herself, but that could be related to a number of things. I just want her to be happy and feel like playing.

As you know, we were already considering hospice. Thursday morning was an example of how it would be helpful to her. So, we signed up with them yesterday. That was not an easy (emotionally) process. I know that we are not giving up, and I know that God can still perform a miracle. She is still even on chemo, but having hospice is such a scary thing. They only came to sign paperwork. They will begin regular visits next week. I'm really hoping this will be a positive experience. I just seemed to get the feeling that they do not hold very much hope. But, maybe I'm wrong.

Well, Hanna just came in from outside, so I guess I better go see her. She is really a mommy's girl these days.

Thursday, July 22, 2004 9:45 AM CDT

I know I was supposed to post last night about what happened at the hospital, but I just didn't have it in me by the time we got home. Apparently, there is just no way to know if the breathing trouble is a result of the congestion or the tumor. This is something we will just have to keep praying about. They said that with the new chemo she is on, it would take two cycles (28 days each) to know whether or not it is working. But, at this point, she seems to be getting progressively worse. She feels that it is time for us to begin considering Hospice. Now, that does not mean that we would be giving up or even stopping treatment. She would continue on with her chemo at home, and could even change chemo treatments later if needed. She could even come off Hospice very easily if things begin to turn around. But, for now, she doesn't feel well and is doing things that make us very concerned. With Hospice, a nurse would be available at all times to come to our house instead of having to take her to the hospital every time we got nervous about something. She could also have oxygen at home for times we felt she was having trouble breathing. It seems to make sense to do this, it is just a very hard decision to make for your little girl. Please continue to pray for us all right now.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004 9:45 PM CDT

I know I said we would see our regular doctor on Monday, but I was wrong. On Sunday, Hanna's breathing seemed to be worse. We called back to the hospital and spoke to a different doctor. He told us to bring her back so we could do a chest x-ray just to make sure her lungs were clear. Well, they were fine. Good and bad, I think. Good that she doesn't have pneumonia, but bad because it's scary to think that it might be the tumor. Anyway, I called Monday morning and spoke with our nurse practitioner. She didn't seem overly concerned either, and told us we could come in if we wanted, but that we would see Dr. Fouladi on Wednesday. So, since she didn't seem worse, we decided to wait until Wednesday. At this point, I feel like either no one really knows what's causing this, or that it's so bad only our doctor can tell us. I know it sounds crazy, because it could just truly be a cold, I guess. It's just so very scary with everything else going on, too.

We did go by the hospital this morning, only to see the physical therapist. She had a walker on hand that just happened to fit Hanna perfectly. She really seems to like it so far. I think it will take a little getting used to, but she used it to walk all the way to the cafeteria. She even asked for it later in the day.

Will post again tomorrow after we see the doctor.

Saturday, July 17, 2004 9:37 PM CDT

We are home! We actually came home last night, which was a day early. We had a great time. Hanna did so many fun things and had such a good time, but she was starting to become very tired, so rather than stay one more day and wear her out too much, we decided to come back. I can't tell you how glad we are that we were able to take her back to Disney World. We have so many happy memories there that will never be forgotten. Thank you to everyone who helped make this trip absolutely wonderful. She got to meet all her favorite characters again, which is her favorite part. (It was sad, though, when she told them that she couldn't walk right.) We had several meals with many of the characters. We even had breakfast at Cinderella's Royal Table in the castle. We didn't even get to do that on her Make-A-Wish trip. She loved the fireworks and parades. And, we were able to ride the Pooh ride about 50 times. She really did have a great time. I will do my best to post pictures from Disney, the beach, and the party very soon. It should be much easier now that I have a digital camera, thanks to the Bowen family (www.bens-story.com), they have been wonderful to us. Ben has also been having some difficulties lately, so visit them for encouragement if you can. They are such nice people, and have been such a blessing to our family.

As far as Hanna's symptoms are concerned, things are no better. We hoped the steroids would help correct some of the problems, but that is not happening. Her dosage has even been increased, but things still seem to be slowly getting worse. She cannot walk at all now without falling hard and fast. I am going to see about getting her a walker since this is bothering her greatly. Those of you who know her personally know how independent she is. She is also having some trouble with incontinence. This is also very troubling to her since big girls don't pee pee in their big girl panties. These things are very upsetting to watch happen to her, but the thing that is scaring me the most is her breathing. It's just not right. We went to the hospital this morning and her oxygen was only at 90%. That seems bad to me, but the doctor did not seem concerned. However, this is not her regular doctor. We will see them Monday. Hopefully we'll get answers then.

Now that we are home for good, I will update more regularly. Maybe they can go back to shorter entries:) Thank you again to everyone who helped make this past week (birthday party, Disney, etc.) absolutely wonderful. We love you all!!

Sunday, July 11, 2004 10:08 PM CDT

Hanna's birthday party was a huge success. Thank you to everyone who helped make it possible. I just have to say I have some of the best friends anyone could ever dream of having, and that is the absolute truth. As many of you already know, there were pony rides, a petting zoo, a huge slide, face painting, balloon designs, snow cones, cotton candy, and the most beatiful birthday cakes you could imagine. There was a huge crowd of family and friends. Thank you to everyone who attended. Hanna loved it! Even in bed, as she was falling asleep, she said, "Mommy, I love my birthday party." I'm so glad she was able to enjoy this day.

On another note, her counts were great at 1400, so we are now very excited about tomorrow since we will be able to go to Disney World. Again, thank you to everyone who helped us with that. We will be able to go and enjoy every minute of it thanks to so many wonderful people.

I wish I had some beautiful, magical words that could express my feelings to everyone who has been so kind and generous and thoughtful to us through all of this. I just hope you all know how much we love you. I don't know how we would be able to make it through such difficult times without the support group we have. I better go before I start crying. We love you!!

Thursday, July 8, 2004 1:04 PM CDT

We are home. As you may already know, we cut the beach trip with David's family a little short to come home to begin a new chemotherapy. We didn't get home until about 1:00 Wednesday morning and spent all day yesterday at the hospital. So, I am just now getting a chance to update.

Since Friday, Hanna's symptoms have gotten much worse. She cannot move the right side of her face at all. Her right eye is completely crossed in and her left eye only seems to look to the left, so to see something she has to turn her head to the side as if she is looking out the corner of them. She is not blinking her right eye at all, so we have to constantly put ointment in it so it will not dry. This is something she hates to do. As far as walking, she has the strength to do it, but her balance is so bad she needs help to take many steps. She tries to play, but everything is such a struggle for her. She seems as if she has no energy. She is just not herself. It breaks my heart to see her like this, but then again, I don't want to take my eyes off of her.

Her counts are still at 900 so she could not start the new chemo AND with all the new symptoms, she needs to begin steroids which will disqualify her for that protocol. So, they began a different drug, VP-16. We need lots of prayers for this drug to stabilize the tumor. She will also begin taking Protocel, maybe today. If anyone has any experience with Protocel that you would like to share, please e-mail me as soon as possible.

I cannot believe how caring so many people have been to us during all of this. Some of my friends knew that I wanted to take Hanna back to Disney World because she loved it so much, and now it seems that that trip is being completely taken of by friends and family, as well as some people we have never even met. The Bowen family (www.bens-story.com), who updated the site while we were out of town, have been amazing. I can't believe how they have helped pull all of this together. I can't thank them enough. They have been such a blessing to our family. I hate the circumstances that brought us together, but I am so thankful for their friendship.

Also, we are getting very excited about her "birthday party." Many of you know Pepper. I honestly don't know how I would get through all of this without her. When I said party, she jumped right on that. Let's just say there will be a mini carnival for her. She will be having her very own HannaFest.

For now, we have to pray very hard, not only for the chemo to work, but also for her counts to stay up, at least until next week. If they drop too soon, we may not get to take her to Disney World. That would be such a disappointment. She has been through so much. We so badly want to do this for her.

I'm sorry this was so long. I just had a lot to say today. Please keep Hanna in your prayers, for the chemo, her counts, and her emotional well being. And know that as hard as all of this is and as horrible as it seems, that God loves her. As much as I want to yell and scream and cry and make it go away, I do trust Him, and I know that He is in control. I also know that He hears our prayers, so keep please continue to pray for her.

Again, Thank You to everyone for everything. We have been so blessed by the kindness we have been shown. I wish I knew how to thank everyone personally. Also, thank you for all of the guestbook entries. They are amazing!

Saturday, July 3, 2004 4:22 PM CDT

Tammy has asked us to update you while they enjoy a few days away as a family at the beach. She just checked in and said Hanna was GREAT for the long car trip.

Hanna continues to experience some disturbing symptoms - now her right eye is turning in and she is having a hard time with her balance. She continues to have some weakness on the right side of her face and hearing loss in her right ear.

Currently, Tammy and David are exploring options for Hanna. Last weeks difficult MRI results have left them with very few choices. Let's rally around them and pray for wisdom and strength.

Jennifer and I can not adequately express our gratefulness for this family. When our son, Ben, was diagnosed with brain cancer in March, Tammy stepped up to our side - a complete stranger reaching out to us. We will not forget out first day at St. Jude when Tammy and Hanna showed up to greet us and show us around. I am sure that many of you have similar stories to share... a kind demonstration of how this family impacts so many. They really need our support at this time, so I encourage each of you to check back often and sign their Guestbook. To David, Tammy, Hanna and family - we all stand with you!

Hanna is expected to begin a new chemotherapy next week... more to come. Another update will be posted soon.

Tom and Jennifer Bowen

PS - 7/5 - Hanna and her family have to return early from their beach trip for another MRI scheduled for Wednesday. Tammy said that Hanna is experiencing more balance problems, making it hard to walk.

Many of you have expressed interest in helping send Hanna to Disney next week. A very kind family has donated airfare. If you are interested in helping out with tickets or lodging, contact the Bowen's at info@bens-story.com or phone them at 901-545-0100. Hanna is celebrating her birthday this coming Sunday (her birthday is in November, so we are celebrating a little early). They will leave for Disney next Monday.

Thursday, July 1, 2004 8:40 PM CDT

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to get this posted, but we have had three very long days. This is not easy news to write, but the MRI was not what we had hoped for. The tumor is growing rapidly. Surgery is not an option and she has already had her lifetime maximum dose of radiation. The only option at this point is experimental chemo. We will begin that as soon as her counts reach 1000, hopefully tomorrow.

I can't believe how fast things are happening. In just a few short days she has begun to really show some changes. She is still having trouble with her right side, her eye, ear, etc. She can't even smile all the way across anymore. She is having trouble walking steadily. All of this is just breaking my heart. It is so hard to watch these things happen to her. Please pray for her, not only for her healing (which we know can still happen), but also for her to stay happy. I'm so afraid she is going to begin knowing something is not right and become scared or worried. Also, this is extremely important, pray for her to be pain free. I do not know what changes she may face, but whatever happens, I want her to be comfortable and peaceful.

Remember, right now this is just another "bump in the road." Nothing is too big for God to take care of. He knows His plans for her. We don't have to understand, but we do have to trust Him. This battle is not over! Keep praying and believing.

Love,
Tammy

Friday, June 25, 2004 10:05 PM CDT

We went to the hospital this morning to have her platelets checked. They were only 26 so she had to have a transfusion, but again, she was wonderful during it. Her ANC was 2900 on Wednesday, which we were very excited about, but they have now dropped to 700. She is supposed to begin chemo on Tuesday, but that is not high enough to do so. Hopefully they will come back up soon.

Speaking of Tuesday, remember to keep Hanna in your prayers for this day. She will have her MRI around 2:00 and we are VERY concerned about this. As you know, she has been having trouble with the right side of her face, mainly closing her right eye. Today I also realized she is having trouble hearing out of her right ear. When she was on the phone, she could not hear what was being said to her using her right ear. She has also wet her pants 3 times today, something that is very unlike her. It was obvious that this caught her completely by surprise. I don't think she even felt it coming until it was too late. This is also very disturbing.

She is still feeling great and playing happily. I am afraid, however, that she may be starting to realize something is not quite right. When she couldn't hear on the phone, she looked at me with a distressed look on her face and said "Oh, no." She pointed to her right eye and said that eye hurts and now she can't hear out of this ear. She just knew something was wrong. This breaks my heart. For the past two and a half years, she has always thought she was perfectly fine. I can't bear to see things happen to her that will upset her.

Thank you to everyone who has been continually praying for Hanna. I know you will keep doing so. We just need to pray that there is some other explanation for all of these things going on with her (scar tissue, radiation effects, etc.) and that her MRI will show good results. Please, also pray for Hanna's happiness. She is such a happy child. I don't want any of this to affect that.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004 8:16 PM CDT

Well, we went to the hospital. Nothing knew concerning her face or the MRI. It's still scheduled for the 29th. However, they did say if something became available before that they would get us in.

Her ANC was great at 2900, but her hemoglobin and platelets were both low. She had to have a blood transfusion today. We decided to leave the hospital at lunch and come back for the blood so that David could be there. Being hooked up to the IV in the medicine room for 3 hours is very difficult, and she does better with him. But I have to say that she did remarkably well. She did not even fuss about it. She is such a sweet girl. Hopefully her platelets will come back up before Friday, but if not she will get a platelets transfusion at that time.

The Bowens (www.bens-story.com)got the results back from Ben's MRI today. It is stable at this point. Of course, we were hoping for smaller, but we will take stable. He and his family still need our prayers also.

I want to thank everyone once again for the guestbook entries. I cannot express how much they mean to me. Having a child with cancer is so hard even when things seem to be going great, but when something happens to resurface all of the fears it can sometimes become overwhelming. Knowing how many people are praying for her (many that we have never even met) is so comforting. I also know that there are many others who visit her site and are praying for her, but may not be signing our guestbook. I would like to encourage you to do so, even if it's just to say hello. This is something that I will keep forever and can save to show her how so many people cared for her during this time. She loves having them read to her even now, but it will be so much more meaningful when she is older and can really understand all of this.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004 9:31 PM CDT

We did get some good news today. The MRI has been moved up to June 29. I don't know what is going on with Hanna, but not knowing is very difficult. Of course, we are praying this is not tumor related, but I just prefer to know sooner rather than later. She seems exactly the same. Things haven't gotten any worse. She is as happy as ever. She finally got to play with her cousin, Abby, who is here from Korea. We are scheduled to leave for Gulf Shores with David's family (Abby included) next Saturday. So, please pray that the MRI results will go well and nothing will interfere with the trip she is so looking forward to.

Monday, June 21, 2004 9:17 PM CDT

We went back to the hospital today. It was an unexpected visit. I didn't even know we had that appointment until they called sometime last night. I was actually glad because I was going to call early this morning anyway. Over the weekend, I began noticing that she is not even blinking her right eye. I also wanted to see if they could do her MRI sooner than the week of the July 12. I have no promises, but they said they would try. I just don't think I'll be able to wait that long without going crazy. She seems fine otherwise. She is laughing and playing as normally as always.

Please keep our friends, the Bowen family (www.bens-story.com) in your prayers also. He is having his MRI tomorrow at 1:30. No matter how well things seem to be going, these are ALWAYS scary. He, as well as his parents, need our prayers right now.

Thursday, June 17, 2004 2:02 PM CDT

I am SO sorry about no update in a week. I have been very busy, but there is really no good excuse. Anyway, Hanna did not have to have a blood transfusion last week. We went back today, and her counts all still look good. Praise God. She is doing so much better this round with her counts. Last month they would not come up.

There is an issue that needs our prayers. Hanna's face muscles do not seem to be moving quite right. Sometimes when she smiles or talks, she only moves one side. At first, I thought she was just being silly, but as it goes on, I'm starting to worry. Also, if you clap in her face or come at her with something, she only blinks her left eye. I spoke to the doctor about this, and she has decided to move up her next MRI a little. She wants to wait until she completes her next round of chemo and we are back from the beach. I don't have a date yet, but sometime the week of July 12. I will post it as soon as they let me know.

For now, Hanna is very excited about her cousin Abby coming to visit from Korea.

Wednesday, June 9, 2004 4:38 PM CDT

We went to the hospital this morning. Hanna's ANC was 2400. That's better than it's been in a very long time, so that's good news. Her platelets were fine at 380, but her hemoglobin was only 8.3, so we will go back Friday to see if she'll need a blood transfusion.

Sunday, June 6, 2004 10:16 PM CDT

Sorry I haven't updated in a few days. Hanna did very well with her chemo. She continued eating and didn't even complain of a tummy ache like she usually does. It went well, but I'm glad it's another round that's over. I want her to have it, but hate giving it to her. We will go back to the hospital Wednesday to see how her counts are doing.

On a happier note, Hanna was in a horse show last night and absolutely loved every minute of it. I will put some pictures in the photo album as soon as I get them back. She was a real cowgirl complete with hat, boots, and shirt thanks to our dear friends Karen Reeves and her parents Richard and Menita Neal. We love them. Hanna was led in by our friend Karen Cates. She is the Director of Heart's Desire Therapeutic Riding Center where Hanna takes hippotherapy when her counts will allow it. Hippotherapy is basically physical therapy on horseback.

Thank you for continuing to leave us messages in the guestbook. We really do enjoy them.

Tuesday, June 1, 2004 3:52 PM CDT

FINALLY! We will start Hanna's third round of chemo tonight, only 2 1/2 weeks late. Oh well, better late than never. I know it's kind of strange to be happy about giving your child chemo, but it's all perspective, I guess. It's a lot better than tumor.

Thank you to everyone praying for this. We are so grateful for all of you. I know that this is a bad situation for us, but I also know that it could be so much worse. I also know how fortunate we are in so many ways. We are blessed with such a great family and so many friends. We do not take that for granted. I am sorry to see all of the families at the hospital who have to be separated so they can save their child's life. There are so many mothers who are here alone with their child, either because their family is too large to live at Target House or because one parent has to stay home to work. I can't imagine what they must go through. The cancer itself is bad enough, but then having to do this all by yourself with your friends and family miles away. I wish there was something I could do for these families. Please keep all of them in your thoughts and prayers as well. When I can figure out how, I will try to get links to some other sites for anyone who like to visit them.

Monday, May 31, 2004 6:17 PM CDT

I hope everyone had a good Memorial Day weekend. Ours was great. We finally got to meet our friends from Ohio. We had such a good time. For those of you who do not know this story, we became friends with Sarah and her family a little over a year ago. She received a picture in the mail from St. Jude with Hanna and her story on it. Hanna touched her heart and she began sending Hanna packages in the mail once a week (EVERY WEEK). Eventually, I looked her number up so I could thank her personally. Since that time, we have talked on the phone many, many times, and the boxes are still coming-over a year later! She is such a thoughtful, caring person. A few months ago, she told me she wanted to visit us to meet Hanna. Of course, we were thrilled. She has two beautiful girls, Addi and Josie. Her mother, Mary Ellen, also came to help her on the long drive. I am still amazed that someone could care so much about another person that they had never even met. I'm just glad we did finally get to meet! They truly are wonderful people.

But, there's more to the story. Like I said, we have been talking on the phone for over a year now. Well, in March Sarah told us about some people she went to church with. She said they had a son diagnosed with a brain tumor and that he would be coming to St. Jude. This is how we met the Bowen family Ben's Story. As many of you know, Ben and his family have become very dear to us also. So, see how the Lord works? Isn't he awesome! We are just blessed with so many great friends and family in our lives.

Friday, May 28, 2004 3:22 PM CDT

I am so sorry I did not update this yesterday when we got home. It was just a crazy day. Anyway, her counts are better. They are headed back up and Dr. Fouladi said she could probably have even begun chemo today, but since she's had such a rough time this month she wanted to wait until Tuesday. Of course, I think the sooner the better, but if it will help her in the long run to wait then I'm all for it.

The first round of chemo did not drop her counts at all, so what we are thinking is that maybe they really did drop, just late. So, as we were beginning the second round, her counts may have just fallen. If that's the case, then she was basically double whammied. Also, they are going to take her off Septra to see if that helps. And, I was told they would reduce her chemo by 20but Dr. Fouladi said she has reconsidered and will only reduce it by 10hank you, Elizabeth).

So, overall, I think it went pretty well. At least I'm feeling much better. Hanna's friends are coming in town to meet us this weekend. We are very excited about this.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for Hanna and her counts this week. I'm so thankful we have so many friends out there. I hope every one has a good Memorial Day weekend.

Monday, May 24, 2004 2:50 PM CDT

Well, today did not go as I had hoped. Her counts are still 500. I just knew they would be back up, so obviously, I was very upset. We will have to wait until Thursday to try again. By then, she will be almost two weeks late for her chemo. Dr. Fouladi said that she will have to reduce her dosage once she finally does get to begin. That is very upsetting. I was really hoping it would not have to come to that.

We have to pray really hard that her counts will come back up by Thursday, and that the new dosage will be just as effective.

Friday, May 21, 2004 4:51 PM CDT

Well, things are not looking much better as far as her counts are concerned. I was so disappointed when they told me her ANC was only 500. It should NOT be this low 5 weeks from her last round. She is already a week behind. She was supposed to start her 3rd round last Friday. We will check again on Monday, but Dr. Fouladi said that if they are not back up by then she will have to rethink things. I didn't hear this from her personally, but I think she means maybe lowering her dosage. I hope that's not the case. When she was on chemo two years ago she had to change antibiotics which seemed to help her counts some. Hopefully that will be the first step. Lowering her dosage of chemo is scary.

So, I guess it will be another weekend at home. That's okay, at this point things could still be a lot worse.

I know I've said it before, but thanks again to everyone who continues to care about and pray for Hanna. Thank you also for all of the guestbook entries. It really helps make things seem better knowing so many people care.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004 7:18 PM CDT

Bad news. We went in today hoping to begin chemo. She was supposed to start it this past Friday, but because her counts had been low that week Dr. Fouladi wanted to wait a few days even though her ANC was back up to 1000. Well, it has dropped again-to 400! Very depressing. We go back Friday to check again. So at best, she will be a week behind.

Other than that all is well. She feels fine, as usual. She has learned to say her name clearly now. We are very excited about that. She goes around saying it all the time now. Today was actually the first day that a stranger asked her what her name was and understood what she said. YEAH!

I will update Friday after we get counts checked. Until then, continue to keep us in your prayers-specifically for her counts right now.

Saturday, May 15, 2004 3:06 PM CDT

Thank you to everyone who has been checking on Hanna and praying for her. I know that our friends and family like to see this site now and then even when they already know how things are going, but it's amazing to me how many people are visiting it. I know there are so many people that we have never even met that are keeping up with her through this and are praying for her. Thank you to everyone. We especially like the messages in the guestbook. It's very encouraging to read them every day.

Hanna is feeling great. Her counts are doing better. However, we did not get to start chemo on time. She was supposed to begin yesterday, but Dr. Fouladi wanted to wait since they were so low this week. We are going back to the hospital Wednesday, so I'm sure we will start then.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 4:01 PM CDT

GOOD NEWS!!!!!The area that was showing activity on the MRI is actually smaller. GOD IS GOOD!! I want to thank everyone who has been praying for Hanna. I was hoping they were going to tell me everything stayed the same. This was more than I expected. Needless to say, this was a great day and we are all very excited.

And, to top it off, her hemoglobin was back so she didn't even need a blood transfusion. I know that's small in the big picture, but it did help make a great day even better.

Again, THANK YOU for all the prayers for Hanna, her MRI, and our family. Words cannot express how grateful we are to have such thoughtful, caring people in our lives.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004 7:52 PM CDT

I'm sure everyone is wondering how today went. I'm sorry it's so late getting this written, but we just got home. It was a really LONG day. They actually took her an hour early for her MRI, so I really thought we would get the results back today. She was out of MRI by 1:00. But, they said they would not tell us anything until tomorrow. This was very upsetting, especially since we were at the hospital anyway until almost 7:00.

The reason we were there so long was that she had to have a platelets transfusion. Her platelets were down to 11. That's really low. Her hemoglobin was almost at transfusion level(8.1), so there's a good chance she will need a blood transfusion tomorrow.

I will update as soon as we get home tomorrow with the results. Hopefully, that will be early afternoon, but you never know how the day will go.

Thank you to everyone who has been thinking of us and praying for Hanna, our family, and this MRI.

Thursday, May 6, 2004 8:12 PM CDT

Some people seem to feel that I am not updating this often enough. Well, I will try to do better, but there is often not much to tell. I'm sure I'll think of something.

I do want to thank everyone for the guestbook entries. We have really enjoyed reading all of them. Hanna is doing very well. I, on the other hand, have been a little nutty with the MRI being just a few days away. We had a good day today. We went to the zoo with Ben,his family (www.bens-story.com), and another patient named Taylor(what a cutie). Considering we were there with two 2 year olds and two 3 year olds, the day went quite well, with the exception of lunch (long story-LOL).

Tomorrow night is the DeSoto County Relay for Life. Hanna will attending that at the Olive Branch Park. The first lap is for survivors and those battling cancer. She will be taking that lap with her friend, Micah Rucker. We are very excited about this.

MRI - May 11

Monday, May 3, 2004 8:01 PM CDT

Good news. Hanna's counts are back up. Her ANC is 1000. That means she can go out now. They have to be at least 1000 in order to be considered good. She got some braces for her feet today. She is NOT happy about this. Her feet turn inward, so the hope is that these braces may help her gait to improve. The physical therapists call them braces, they are actually like shoe inserts to help give her feet an arch. The technical name is SMO's (whatever that means). Well, that's all the news we have. Remember MRI next week, May 11. Keep praying.

Friday, April 30, 2004 8:18 AM CDT

I have no updates about Hanna's health today. We won't go back to the hospital until Wednesday. I just wanted to say thank you to my new friends, Tom and Jennifer (www.bens-story.com), for helping get this started. I wish I would have done this 2 years ago. I also want to thank everyone who has signed the guestbook and encourage others to do so. I have really enjoyed reading the daily messages. I will keep them forever so Hanna can see how many people were caring for her and praying for her through all of this.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 2:51 PM CDT

Hanna had her blood counts checked today. Her ANC is 400. That is too low. They need to be above 1000, but below 500 is really bad. It means she doesn't have much to fight infection, so she can't go anywhere. We'll just have to stay home for a few days. Hopefully, they will be back up soon. Hanna's next MRI is May 11. Pray for this chemo (Temozolimide) to work for Hanna and her tumor. The doctors told us it would not cure her, that we are only hoping for it to stabilize. BUT, they really don't know, and God is the one in control. So we are praying that it will go away, or that they will find something that does work.

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