History

Thursday, January 21, 2016 4:58 PM CST

Miss you Ryan. I'll never stop missing you. Love you!!!

Dad

Monday, June 3, 2013 3:24 PM CDT

Ryan passed away ten years ago. We miss him more than ever and there is still a huge hole in our hearts. I love you Ryan Dean. You are my hero. The pain will never go away. All I can do is cry and hope and pray I can see you again someday. Take care son. I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dad

Wednesday, December 8, 2010 9:38 PM CST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN!!!!!!! We love you and miss you.

Mom, Dad, Taylor, Lauren, and Brandon

Sunday, November 14, 2010 5:44 PM CST

The holidays are approaching which is a reminder to Cari and myself of when our nightmare started. Our precious son was diagnosed with AML. I think of Ryan every day. I miss him more than ever. Life is so empty without him. My heart has a huge hole in it that will never heal. I write this as tears are flowing down my face. I miss you son. You deserved better. I love you.

Daddy

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 12:45 AM CDT

We had so much hope today back in 2003. I miss those days of hoping you were going to get better. I love you with all my heart Ryan. Nothing has changed since the minute you left us. We still hurt deep inside and miss you more than anything. I'm so proud of you. You are my hero and I'm so lucky to be your daddy. Take care little buddy. I love you.

Daddy

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 10:36 AM CST

MERRY CHRISTMAS Ryan Dean! We love you and miss you. We can't wait to see you again. Say Hi to all our love ones up there in heaven.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Saturday, May 10, 2008 9:09 PM CDT

Mother's day is difficult for obvious reasons. Not only is a big piece of me missing but this day marks what was the beginning of the end for us. The doctor's knew but gave us this last weekend five years ago to be a family with hope. We were together, at home, and happy for the last time. When we returned Monday the doctor's told us the leukemia was back and there was nothing more they could do. We took Ryan home to spend the last three weeks he had together. I know exactly what we did each day of the last three weeks of Ryan's life and starting tomorrow, I will re-live those, each day until June 3rd.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Ryan, miss him and blink back tears. And every day I am thankful for those three years, 5 months, and 25 days that I had with him.

Saturday, December 8, 2007 8:20 PM CST

HAPPY GOLDEN BIRTHDAY RYAN! I cant believe you would be eight years old today. We decorated your tree tonight and it looks beautiful. We hope you can see the lights and candles from heaven. We send kisses and hugs to you. We love you with all our hearts.

Mom and Daddy
Taylor
Lauren
Brandon

Sunday, November 18, 2007 9:50 AM CST

Hi little buddy. I can't believe its been five years already since you were diagnosed with AML. It seems like yesterday when we were holding you, giving you hugs, and hearing your sweet little voice. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and wish you were here. The pain is still enormous and hard to carry. It's still hard to get excited for the holidays. Everytime I think of Christmas, I think of you and wished you were here.

Your brother talks about you a lot. He doesn't understand why you were taken from us. I don't have any answers for him because I don't understand myself. The only thing I can tell him is that maybe God had a plan for you in heaven and needed you up there right away. Brandon loves you and misses you a lot.

Words can't explain how much we miss you. Our only hope is that maybe someday we will see you again. You are everything a father could ask for in a child. Your smile, laugh, and voice, will live on forever in my heart and mind. I wished there was something I could of done to make you better and keep you down here with us. I love you Ryan. I love you with my whole heart, mind and soul. Take care son and I hope and pray I can see you soon.

Love Daddy.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007 2:16 PM CST

We love you and miss you Ryan!
Love, Mommy

Saturday, January 20, 2007 2:00 PM CST

I sure miss you Ryan Dean. I miss you more and more as time passes. Time doesn't heal. It just brings us closer to our reunion. You are everything a father could ask for in a son. You taught me a lot during your short life here on earth. There are still nights that I cry myself to sleep asking God why and mornings when I dont want to get out of bed because of the thought of taking on another day without you. What I miss the most, is what we could of had in the future. Watching you grow into a young man, maybe getting married someday and having children of your own. I know you would of made a difference in this world. I guess God had a plan for you that didn't include you being on this earth after three short years of life. Take care son and I hope to see you soon. My heart aches for you and I love you very much. A part of me died the second you passed away. I'll never be the same without you. Love, Dad

Friday, December 8, 2006 6:23 PM CST

Happy Birthday Ryan Dean!! We just watched a movie of you in the hospital. It was so nice to see you and hear your sweet little voice again. Keep sending us signs Buddy!
We love you!
Love, Mommy and Daddy

Thursday, November 23, 2006 6:54 AM CST

Happy Thanksgiving! It seems like forever since I have really spent time at Ryan's page. I "peek" at it now and then because I love to see his face and hope to read a new message of encouragement from family and friends but I haven't really been here I feel because it has become so hard to do. Today though is my favorite holiday which is maybe why I felt like "visiting" again.
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday although November is such a difficult month for us. It is filled with messages of Thanksgiving and hope. We should be thankful for everything we have and yet all I can think about is everything I have lost. November 9, 2002 we first saw that Ryan had a rash. November 17th Ryan was diagnosed not only with leukemia but the worst kind. November 20th he received his first dose of chemotherapy. November was the beginning of the end of our journey with Ryan. The month our lives were torn apart. I always wonder why? What do we have to be thankful for? My child is gone. Everyday I miss him. Everyday I set one less place at the table. There is one less of everything. Everyday I wonder why?
Recently I received two messages of Thanksgiving that helped me put things into perspective. We have food on our table, we have shelter and we have each other. The five of us. We have family and friends who have always been there for us. We had three years as a "whole" family. Not nearly long enough but I am thankful for it nonetheless. I am thankful Ryan is no longer suffering, that he is happy. I wish he could have been cured here though. Yes November is the month of Thanksgiving. We are reminded to be thankful and to give thanks. Giving thanks is often the part we forget. To say thank you to God and to the people in our lives who make everyday special. It is easy to forget when our hearts are filled with sadness but we all need to try to remember. Even when life seems to be at its worst, there are things to be thankful for and blessings to be counted. Thank you God for giving us Ryan and thank you to our family and friends, near and far, who make us want to go on without him.
Hugs to all of you.
Cari

Thursday, July 6, 2006 2:00 PM CDT

We love you and miss you Ryan!!!

Love, Mommy and Daddy

Saturday, April 29, 2006 3:36 PM CDT

Missing you little buddy. I can't wait to see you.

Love,
Daddy.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005 7:39 AM CST

MERRY CHRISTMAS RYAN DEAN. We love you little buddy and can't wait to see you.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Friday, December 9, 2005 7:58 PM CST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN DEAN. December 8th, 1999 our beautiful baby boy came into this world. We celebrated again this year by bringing gifts down to Children's Hospital's 8th floor. There were nineteen beautiful brave children on the floor when we arrived. All of them fighting different life threatning diseases. We also got to see Ryan's favorite nurse Linda and his two primary doctors Dr. Bostrom and Dr. Linda Madson. It was nice to see them again. We talked about the memories we all had of Ryan when he was in the hospital. When we got home, we sang happy birthday to Ryan and had his favorite birthday cake.

We love you little buddy. Mom and dad miss you now more than ever. The pain of you being gone is enormous. Our hearts wont mend until we see you again. I'm sure you had a wonderful birthday up in heaven with all our loved ones. Say hi to everyone up there and we hope to see you soon.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Tuesday, November 22, 2005 6:58 AM CST

We would like to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. Cari and I are most thankful for our children. They are gifts from God and we cherish and love them more than anything in the world. We are also thankful for having such great family members and freinds. You have made our road without Ryan less difficult to travel.

Three years ago, Cari and I spent Thanksgiving at Childrens Hospital in Ryan's hospital room. Boston market catered in Thanksgiving dinner for the families that had to stay in the hospital for the holiday. At the time, Ryan wasn't feeling the full effect from the chemo. I remember watching movies as we ate our dinner. Even though we were in the hospital with our son facing a life threatning disease, it was the best Thanksgiving I have ever had. The love we have for our son and his love for us filled the room. It was the best feeling a parent could ever experience.

Whatever you do, don't take life for granted. It's easy to do when things are going good. You never know when life will throw you a curve ball and change things forever. Cari and I now live day by day. We cherish every second we have with our children. Family is the most important thing in our lives. Again, I want to thank all of our friends and family that have joined us on our journey and have made life easier for our family while we still try to cope without the physical presence of our little angel.

Ryan, we love you more than words can say. Mom and Dad can't wait to see you again. Say hi to our loved ones up there.

Love,
Daddy

Friday, October 7, 2005 3:35 PM CDT

I'm missing you little buddy. Brandon keeps asking me to take him to heaven so he can see you. He misses you and talks about you everyday. We all miss you and love you more than words can say. I would do anything to see your smile, to hear your voice, to give you a hug and a kiss just one more time. My heart is broken and wont mend until I see you again.

Love,
Daddy

Tuesday, September 6, 2005 1:53 PM CDT

As fall approaches, Cari and I start thinking about the fall when Ryan was diagnosed. It was just three years ago. Ryan was an energetic two year old. He loved to play outside with his sisters and brother. He was everything a father could ask for in a son. He was caring and loving. I was proud to be his father. Cari and I still have the same questions. How did Ryan get Leukemia, why couldn't he be cured, and why us? Unfortunately, these questions wont be answered until we pass on and can ask God. I'm sure we will be so excited to see Ryan that it wont even matter if our questions are answered. All I know is that I miss him now more than ever. Time doesn't seem to be healing cari and I. Losing a child is so hard. We want to thank everyone for being there for us. Ryan, I miss you and love you. You changed my life forever. I'm a better person because of you. You and your sisters and brother are the world to me. Say hi to all our loved ones up there and I hope to see you soon. For all you parents out there, hug your kids and tell them how much you love them every day. Cherish them. If this tragedy can happen to us, it can happen to anyone. Thanks again for everyones support.

The Holts

Monday, August 29, 2005 7:14 AM CDT

We wanted to thank everyone who played in this years golf tournament. It was a big success. We don't have the total figures yet, but we will post them as soon as we get them. We want to thank the Vick family again for making this Ryan's tournament. It means a lot to us. We also want to thank everyone who was involved in setting the tournament up. Everyone did an awesome job and we all had fun raising money for a great cause.

Ryan is a special boy. He changed the lives of many people. We miss him more than ever. The sadness of not having him here with his family will continue until we see him again. Having friends and family like we have keeps Cari and I moving forward. Thanks to all of you. The support we have received is enormous. Without friends to lean on, we wouldn't be able to make it through difficult times. The upcoming holidays will be a challenge. It's hard to celebrate when your missing a child. Again, thank you for your support and God Bless you all

The Holts.

Thursday, August 4, 2005 11:30 AM CDT

Here is some information on Ryan's upcoming golf tournament. The tournament will be held August 19th at B's on the river in Watertown, MN. There will be a balloon launch before we tee off for Ryan so bring a balloon. The cost is $45 for nine holes and $60 for eighteen. This price includes golf, cart, prizes, and buffet style dinner.

8:30 Registration begins
9:45 Balloon release
10:00 Tee off and play nine holes
1:30 Buffet dinner
2:00 Second tee off and play nine more holes
5:30 Buffet dinner
6:00 Awards and speakers

Dinner only prices are $20 for adults and $15 for children.

We hope to see you there. It's for a good cause and one thats close to our hearts. Thanks.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005 9:47 AM CDT

I love you Ryan. I miss you very much and think about you constantly.

The date has been set for the golf tournament. Please click on the link below. Thanks.

The Holts.

Thursday, May 12, 2005 7:11 AM CDT

Hey little buddy. I sure miss you. Mom and I can't wait to see you again.

We will be posting information on Ryan's Memorial golf tournament soon. Last year was a big success and we had a lot of fun. I hope you can make it.

The Holts

Wednesday, April 6, 2005 12:33 AM CDT

I sure miss you Ryan. Brandon is the same age you were when you came home from the hospital for the last time to live out the last three weeks of your life. Watching Brandon play reminds me of how much you wanted to run and play like a normal three year old, but couldn't because of the Luekemia running through your body. I'm sure glad we had those three weeks at home before you passed on. Those memories will carry me through life until its my turn to pass on to the next life. Your Mom, Taylor, Lauren, and Brandon and I love you with all our heart. The pain of not having you here with us is enormous. Say hi to all our loved ones up there and we hope to see you soon.

Love,
Daddy.

Monday, December 27, 2004 8:30 AM CST

Merry Christmas Ryan Dean. Mommy and Daddy sure miss you. Christmas isn't the same without you.

Love,
Daddy

Monday, December 27, 2004 7:15 AM CST

Merry Christmas Ryan Dean. Mommy and Daddy sure misses you. Christmas isn't the same without you.

Love,
Daddy

Thursday, December 9, 2004 7:11 AM CST

Our precious little boy was born on December 8th. Happy birthday Ryan. Mom made you a Barney cake and we sang happy birthday to you. After cake, mom and dad watched home movies of you and cried all the way through them. We miss you and love you more than words can say. Say hi to all our loved ones in heaven. Mom and dad can't wait to see you again.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 9:34 AM CST

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. We're most thankful for being chosen as Ryan's parents, even though it was for three short years. We are also thankful for Taylor, Lauren, and Brandon. Mom and Dad wouldn't be able to make it through this with out you. We love all of you more than anything in the whole world. For everyone else, be thankful for your children and cherish them.

The Holts.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004 12:14 AM CST

Our nightmare began two years ago. The nightmare won't be over until we see our beautiful boy again. I love you Ryan. You are everything a parent could ask for in a child. Love,
Daddy

Wednesday, October 27, 2004 7:56 AM CDT

I miss you little buddy. We carved pumpkins last night for Halloween and I got to carve yours. I carved a happy face because I know your happy in heaven with Grandma Linda. I remember your last Halloween. It was two weeks before you were diagnosed. We went out trick or treating and after three houses, you got tired and wanted to go home. Little did we know that it was luekemia that was making you tired. You spent the rest of the night handing out candy with mom. No holiday is the same without you. There's such a huge hole in Mom and Dad's heart. It's a hole that will never be filled until we join you someday in heaven.
Brandon is now asking about you all the time. He asks where you are and when your coming home. I told him that you are in heaven and that we have to wait until its our turn to go before we can see you. He asked me why we can't just go to heaven and get you and bring you back home. It's hard to explain to a three year old that it doesn't work that way. Brandon tells us that he misses you and loves you and wants his brother back.
We all miss you. You taught me so much. There's not a day that goes by that I don't feel the pain of you being gone. Time doesn't heal. I miss you more as time goes by. I'm so fortunate to be your daddy. I just wish I could hear your sweet little voice again, give you a bear hug, or just put in a Barney video for you. I love you bud. Have fun up there and say hi to Grandma Linda and all our other loved ones in heaven. Love, Daddy.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004 7:56 AM CDT

Tuesday, July 6, 2004 2:55 PM CDT

For the 4th of July this year we went to my dad's cabin. As we prepared to go to "Grandpa's lake", as Ryan used to call it, I couldn't stop thinking about the last time we took Ryan there. I lay in bed many nights last week remembering how excited he was to go.
Last year, before we left, Jeff took the kids outside to play while I got all of Ryan's medicines ready for the trip. Jeff had the camcorder outside with him to capture every moment we had with Ryan.
When I watch the movies that were made that day it breaks my heart.
Ryan stuck pretty close to Jeff outside because he tired so easily that he often needed to be carried. At one point Ryan walked a few steps ahead of Jeff, turned back and looked right into the camera.
I keep seeing his face and hearing his cute little voice.
I also see more clearly how uncomfortable he looked. How worn and tired of not feeling well, he appears.
He said, "Daddy...can we go right now?" "Pretty soon", Jeff said. Ryan's face lit up. "Yeah!" he said as he threw his arms up into the air. He turned then and tried to run over to where Taylor, Lauren and Brandon were playing. "Kids...we get to go now!" he yelled. He was suddenly 3 1/2 again, excited and wanting to play.
His body though wouldn't cooperate. The chemotherapy had taken its toll on Ryan's kidneys and so he was retaining a lot of fluid. He wasn't able to move as well as his strong, little boy spirit wanted him to.
On his way to play with the others he fell. He cried and after Jeff consoled him he tried again.
Again, he fell. Again he looked crushed and worn. It was so hard to see his playful spirit fighting to be a little boy and his body failing him. It is a helpless and terrifying feeling. A nightmare you can't wake up from.
Remembering him fall that day makes me so sad. I am comforted though in the belief that he is not falling anymore. If only he could have been cured here.

As we celebrate our freedom this 4th of July, I know you are celebrating yours too big boy. Run fast Ryan! We love you and miss you!

Please say a prayer for Lakota, Sean and Rosie who are recovering from their bone marrow transplants.

Love, Cari

Wednesday, June 23, 2004 9:14 PM CDT

I want to thank everyone for keeping us in their prayers. This has been a long hard journey for Cari and I. I don't know how we would make it without family and friends. We love everyone of you and thank you from the bottom of our hearts. The pain of losing Ryan will never go away. Sometimes it seems to get worse as time passes. Its just something we have to learn to live with. Again, thanks for your kindness and support. Love, The Holts.

Monday, June 7, 2004 10:30 PM CDT

I miss you little buddy. My heart aches for you. You taught me how to be a better father. Life will never be the same without you. There will always be an extra seat in the boat for you when I go fishing. I love you more than words can say and if there was anything I could do to bring you back, I would do it in a heartbeat. I prayed to God when you were still fighting to take me instead so you could be here with your mommy and sisters and brother. I can't wait to see you again. I long for that day. Say hi to Grandma Linda and I hope to see you soon.

Love,
Daddy

Friday, May 14, 2004 7:39 PM CDT

The last two days have been extremely difficult ones. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the day we brought Ryan home from the hospital for the last time. We had been told he had a few days to a few weeks left to live. A few days. We couldn't believe it. My heart felt as though it were being ripped from my chest. That was, at the time, the worst day of my life. Ryan knew that he wasn't "all better" but was so happy to be going home. As my insides shattered, outwardly, I smiled for him. We focused on the fact that he was going home and would not have to have any more tests. His smile was bigger than I'd seen it in a long time.
Uncertain of how much time we had left, we wanted to hurry and do everything he'd ever wanted, and in the next breath, were frozen with fear. We wanted to scream and ask God, "why?" but realized there would be time for that later. A lifetime.
We slowed ourselves down and asked Ryan what he wanted to do. May 16th we went to "Grandpa's lake". Knowing that this would be our last time there with Ryan was devastating but we made the most of every minute. The kids threw rocks in the water and Nate and Grandpa made sure Ryan caught a fish. He had so much fun. Saturday the 17th was Ryan's Make-a-Wish party. He wanted to meet Barney. The people from Make-a-Wish and many volunteers, family and friends, made sure it was the best party a 3 year-old could ever dream of. We will never forget that day or the outpouring of love and support we felt.
Ryan also wanted to go to the zoo to see a giraffe and eat popcorn like he'd seen Barney do on a video. May 24th we did. The remainder of our days were filled with life's simpler but most important things. There were walks to the park, family visits, game playing, movie watching and a few "yucky" doctor visits. All in all the most wonderful, terrible and most important days of our lives.
As I re-live each of these memories in my mind I can't believe all that has happened in the last year and a half.
We never would have guessed that this is where life would take us.
The passage of time makes me feel further away from Ryan and the life we had together. I do however find comfort in knowing that I am another year closer to being reunited with him.
Our other children have struggled, grown and seem to have moved forward with their lives. They've almost completed a new school year, learned to read, made new friends, lost teeth, etc. As a family we have changed. We won't ever be the same. We've moved in an effort to move forward, taking Ryan's tree with us, of course. We've experienced almost every holiday and anniversary without our boy and it has been hard. The next few weeks I already feel, will be even harder.
I pray to one day know life's sparkle called joy again.
I pray for the families who have lost their children this past year.
I pray for a cure for the children still fighting.

For now I look forward to seeing a new nest of baby birds in Ryan's tree.
I look forward to seeing the flowers we planted at the cemetary on Mother's Day bloom into a pretty "Barney purple."
I look forward to the new things our children will learn and say and do.
Most of all I look forward to seeing you again Ryan.

Still...so proud to be your mommy, thankful that it was me, who was chosen to take care of you until you were three.

Thank you to everyone for your love and support.

Love, Cari

Wednesday, April 7, 2004 6:42 PM CDT

***New photos added***

A year ago today, Ryan was in intensive care fighting for his life. He became very sick from the chemo that the doctors were hoping would put him into remission. Cari and I sat by his side praying we would get good news from his upcoming bone marrow test. It was after Easter when they performed the bone marrow test. Ryan was improving and things looked good. I remember the doctors coming up to Ryans room in intensive care. As they approached the room, they had smiles on their faces. When they came into the room, Ryans primary Doctor told us that the chemo worked and Ryan's bone marrow was clean. We were so excited and thought we were finally on the right path. It was only two weeks later when we found out that Ryan's Luekemia had fooled the doctors and was coming back strong. Ryan lived a month and a half after we got the bad news.

Somedays I wonder how I'm going to make it through the day. I keep waiting for the pain to subside. I find it hard to look at pictures of Ryan and especially the home videos that we filmed during Ryans treatment and his last few days at home. Watching these videos reminds me of the pain Ryan went through during his battle. Ryan was so precious to me and I loved him with all my heart. I never knew having children would be so hard. I remember after Brandon was born, I looked at Cari and told her how lucky we were that we had four children and every one of them was born healthy and perfect. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think we could possibly lose one to Cancer.

Give your children an extra hug today and cherish your time with them. Also say an extra prayer tonight for all the children fighting cancer. I love you Ryan Dean. You are the world to me and I miss you very much. Say hi to Grandma Linda, Great Grandpa Holt, Great Grandpa and Grandma Thacker and all our other loved ones up in heaven. See you soon. Love, Daddy.

Thursday, February 26, 2004 8:58 PM CST

***NEW PHOTOS***

We lost a dear friend last week. Christie was fourteen and passed away last friday. She was one of the original six that were in the hospital when Ryan was first diagnosed. They all had the same type of Leukemia (AML). She was truely an inspiration to our family. Her smile would light up the room. Of the original six, only two are still fighting. The rest have passed on to heaven. I remember meeting up with the other parents in the family lounge discussing our children and their treatment. We all had so much hope. We talked about how we couldn't wait for our children to get through treatment so we could go home. I miss those days.
Every day is still a challange. The pain nevers goes away. I miss Ryan more now than ever. I would do anything to hold him one more time, to hear his sweet voice, to see his shy smile, to tell him how much I love him. I miss you bud. I can't wait to see you again.

Love, Daddy.

P.S. Make sure you give your kids a hug and tell them how much you love them everyday. Spend as much time with them as you can and make them your number one priority. Even though life is good today, it can change for the worse tomorrow. Trust me.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004 7:00 PM CST

A year ago today we had so much hope. Ryan was in remission and the doctors told us that he was on the right path toward a cure. Not in my wildest dreams did I ever think we were going to lose him. I remember walking the halls of the hospital thinking my son was going to beat his Leukemia. I prayed and prayed every day for Gods help. I thought there was no way God was going to let Ryan die from this horrible disease. After Ryan passed away, I struggled with my faith and had many questions for God. Thanks to Pastor Becky, most of those questions have been answered and my faith has been restored.

I miss him so much. Someone told me that time heals. Time doesn't heal when you've lost a child. Time makes you miss them more and more as each day passes. I feel like I was born again and now living a completely different life than I had before. I know Cari and I won't ever find true happiness again. A piece of our family picture is missing. A beautiful piece that taught me so much and made me realize how lucky I was to be his father. Ryan was truely an angel. My heart aches for you little buddy.

This February we are going to create a foundation in Ryans name. The money we raise will go towards helping families of cancer children. We also are planning on giving a certain percentage to the Kids Cancer Fund. The Kids Cancer Fund helped Cari and I when Ryan's cancer was getting bad. We are forever greatful for the help we recieved. There are several events that we are going to have that will raise money for Ryan's foundation. One example is a walk. We hope to have a walk in Ryans memory through the streets of Buffalo that will raise money. I can't wait to get started.

I would like to put out a prayer request. A family we got close to during Ryan's hospital stay is experiencing a rough road right now. Christie is fighting Leukemia and is having a difficult time right now and needs your prayers. Our hearts go out to the Blackwood family as the doctors try to get her through this latest crisis. We know she can do it. Thanks everyone for still checking on us.

Love, The Holts.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004 7:00 PM CST

Monday, January 5, 2004 9:14 PM CST

***NEW PHOTOS***

Happy new year everybody. Our biggest wish for 2004 is that we all live the lessons Ryan taught us. Do you remember when he was in the hospital and I asked him, "If you could have anything you want right now, what would it be?" He answered, "A glass of milk at home."
The simplest things in life are the ones that really matter.

If ever you are having a bad day, maybe things aren't going the way you planned, your car won't start, your kids are driving you crazy, think of Ryan. Let him remind you how quickly life can change.

Ryan was a sensitive, loving and energetic two-year old boy. Three weeks before his third birthday he was diagnosed with leukemia. 6 1/2 months later he was gone.
In many ways I feel like saying "good riddance" to 2003. It was a terrible year. The worst in my life.
On the other hand I want time to stand still. The more time passes since Ryan left us the further we seem to be from him. I know that he is always right here, in my heart, but I just can't imagine another day let alone years passing without him.

We said goodbye to many beautiful children in 2003. Ryan, Colby, Priyanka, Noah, Mason, Cameron, Josh, Kyle and Max.

May the new year be one of healing.
May the families of those who lost children find strength to face each day and be comforted by signs from above.
May we all find joy in life's simplest things.
May our health be good.
May we all love, laugh and not take anything for granted.

May we all live the lessons Ryan taught us.

Thank you all for your support this past year. There were many many days I wouldn't have made it through without you.

Thank you Ryan for being the best thing in my life and of course for being Mommy's boy.

Thursday, December 25, 2003 8:46 PM CST

...New photos added...

Merry Christmas everyone. We spent this holiday, as every day, remembering Ryan and wondering what he would be doing if he were here. Everything I do, everything I see, reminds me of him. I see his mannerisms in Brandon, his eyes in Taylor and his sillyness in Lauren. Barney and Buzz, chicken nuggets and green olives, blue eyes and just about every three-year-old boy I see. Anything and everything remind me of him and can make me cry and smile at the same time. If only I could have bottled his hugs, and his sweet voice.
As difficult as these past few days have been, we've found comfort in little things that arrive just when we need them most. A call from a friend, hugs from the kids, Christmas photos in the mail... (Thanks everyone!) A poem we received reminds us of how wonderful a place heaven is.
Thanks Joan and Carla. We've reprinted it here for the families of all those little ones who are no longer with us. April and Ryan, Mason M., Colby, Gabe, Rachel, Mason J., Priyanka, Noah, Cameron, and Kyle.

I'M SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST THIS YEAR

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars
Reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description
To hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I can't tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you imagine Christmas
With our Savior, face to face!

I'll ask Him to light your spirit
As I tell Him of your love.
So then pray for one another,
As you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful,
And let your spirit sing.
For I'm spending Christmas in heaven,
And I'm walking with the King!

We pray for peace for all of you.
We pray for comfort, strength and cures for all of those still fighting.

Merry Christmas Buddy. We hope you like your tree and angel. Not as bright as the stars, but full of love for you.

Love, Mommy and Daddy

Monday, December 8, 2003 8:54 PM CST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYAN! WE LOVE YOU!!!!

Love, Mommy, Daddy, Taylor, Lauren, and Brandon

NEW PHOTOS ADDED

Friday, December 5, 2003 6:17 AM CST

Ryan's birthday is fast approaching. December 8th, 1999 was when our precious little boy came into this world. Little did we know he would be leaving us so soon on June 3rd, 2003. He was the perfect child. He taught me more in his three short years of life than I've learned in my 36 years. Life will never be the same without him. I keep reliving his last day as if it was yesterday. He had a burst of energy a few hours before he went into a coma. I slept on the couch the night before he passed away and around 4:00 A.M he came out and sat with me. I put a Barney movie in and we talked about things. After a little while, he went back to bed with Cari. A few minutes later, I saw Cari and Ryan go into the bathroom. Ryan wanted to take a bath. The sound of the water running in the tub relaxed him. Four hours after that, Ryan started to feel uncomfortable and soon went into a coma. He passed away the next morning. It all went so fast.

We are planning a special birthday for Ryan. We are going to donate a Video Camera to the eighth floor at Childrens Hospital so the families who don't have cameras can make ever lasting memories with their children. We are also going to give something to the children who have to be in the hospital over Christmas. Every year on his birthday, we are going to donate something to the kids on the eighth floor in Ryan's memory. Ryan also picked out a pine tree before he died and we planted it in the back yard. On his birthday, we are going to decorate it and hang lights on it.

I want to close this entry with asking everyone to say a special prayer for Max. Max and his family hold a special place in our hearts and they are going through a difficult time right now. Please pray for a miracle for Max's cure from Leukemia. He is a precious little four year old that started treatment around the same time Ryan did. Thanks everyone for your support.

The Holts.

P.S. I love you Ryan. Your Daddy misses you more than anything. Life will never be the same. I hope to see you again someday soon.

Thursday, November 20, 2003 7:12 AM CST

Thanks to everyone for thinking of us the past few days and for taking the time to let us know you care. It has been an emotional week for us and so we really appreciate it.
One year ago today Ryan started his first dose of chemotherapy. It made him so sick that he threw up about every twenty minutes that night. Very harsh stuff but it got him into remission for a little while and home for our last Christmas together which we are so grateful for.

I am writing today to ask for your prayers. Our little friend Max whom we have written about before has had his cancer return. We pray for comfort and strength for him and his family, for wisdom for the doctors and above all for his healing and cure. We also pray for Noah whom we have not had the privelege of meeting but he too was at Children's and is fighting his relapse. We pray for his pain to be gone and for the miracles to continue.

We love you and miss you Ryan.

Hugs to all,
Love Cari

Friday, October 31, 2003 6:13 AM CST

4months, 28 days

Halloween has always been a favorite holiday of ours. Its arrival this year though feels as if we are reliving the beginning of our tragic journey. The one-year anniversaries will soon be here.
Today is a day of mixed emotions. Not unlike any other day I guess. Knowing how excited my kids are to dress-up and go trick-or-treating makes me happy for them.
There will be one little firefighter missing though.
I will be anxiously waiting for the doorbell to start ringing as the neighbor children arrive in their costumes and yet I'm sure the sight of the other three-year olds out having fun will bring tears of saddness.
We did not know, last year when Taylor, Lauren, and Ryan went trick-or-treating that Ryan was sick. When I look back now though there were tell-tale signs. Although you cannot see it by looking at the picture on the computer, other photos reveal how pale his face was.
You can see a bruise on the corner of his mouth.
When the kids set off with Jeff, door to door and came back after only visiting three houses I was a little worried. Ryan was too tired to go on. I hoped that he just hadn't had a long enough nap that day. It is so sad to think that as he excitedly helped me pass out candy that his little body was filled with leukemia. He was diagnosed two weeks later, on November 17th.
As Jeff said in his last update, we really do wish we could sleep through the holidays this year. We probably will spend Thanksgiving at home rather than making the usual rounds. Although we do have things to be thankful for it will be difficult to acknowledge them when the losses are so heavy in our hearts. We will celebrate Christmas as we usually do for the kids' sake.
I keep thinking about Ryan's stocking. It will always hang on our mantel over the holidays but I can't imagine not filling it. Maybe we can put things in it for the kids to give to others.
For Ryan's birthday on December 8th we will decorate and light his tree and then probably spend the day bringing things to the children still fighting cancer on the 8th floor. I can't think of a better way to honor him.
We have been given signs since Ryan passed away that tell us he is with us no matter where we go. In the last month he has actually shown us that he is here and it is so wonderful.
As a speaker we heard said, we now belong to an exclusive club, although it is not one that anyone wants to belong to. We get invited to grief support groups, hospice memorial services and events, etc. and although we are grateful, we wish that we did not know of this other world. The one you only know about if you have lost a child. It is a very dark place but hopefully, with all of this support, light will eventually filter into our lives again.
Please pray for all of the children still fighting and their families. We think of you every day and pray that your stories have happy endings.

Hug your little pumpkins tight tonight and have a happy and safe Halloween.

Love, Cari

Sunday, September 21, 2003 7:19 PM CDT

We are approaching Ryan's four month aniversary of his death. I miss him more now than ever. I'm beginning to believe that the emptyness and heartache will never go away. I was told that the pain will never subside, you just have to learn how to live with it. If it wasn't for my wife and children, I dont know how I could go on. Everyday is a struggle for Cari and I. With the holidays on the horizon, we sometimes wish we could sleep right through them. It's Taylor, Lauren, and Brandon that will keep Cari and I moving forward. We live for our children.

The biggest thing that I have learned through all of this is that nothing matters. It doesn't matter what kind of car you drive, what kind of house you live in, how many toys you have and so on. What matters is family. Without family, you have nothing. Things are a lot simpler now. All I care about is making sure my family is taken care of.

Ryan was such a special boy. I loved him with all of my heart. He was so sensitive and caring. He made sure his sisters were always sharing and getting along. He was his younger brothers protecter. He would melt your heart with his shy smile. He always wanted to be your best friend. He would tell Cari, mommy, I'll be your best friend. Ryan handled his treatment better than most adults. He never complained and took all of his medicines. I remember three days before he passed away, Ryan was experiencing some pain and Cari was trying to give him something for it. He was fussing and crying. Cari started crying and told him that she didn't know what to do anymore to make him feel better. Ryan looked at her and told her that all she had to do was hold him and he would feel better. That tore my heart apart. Ryan was more concerned about his mother than himself. I know there has to be a reason why Ryan passed away, why some kids make it and some dont. Sometimes I feel that Ryan was too good for this world, that he was needed up above to help the children who are still fighting cancer. I long for the day when I can see him again. For those of you who have children. Appreciate them and never take them for granted. Give them love and hugs everyday. If you don't believe this can happen to you, well, you better believe. If it can happen to us, it can happen to anyone. There was no history of childhood or adult leukemia in both our families. I pray that no family has to go through what we experienced. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

Please pray for Max's continued improvement and eventual cure from leukemia. Also pray for Christie, Rosie, Duncan, Noah, and the rest of the eigth floor children with cancer. Thanks for you continued support and prayers.
Ryan's Daddy

Wednesday, August 27, 2003 9:47 AM CDT

12 weeks and 1 day

Hi everyone,

So many times in the last few weeks I sat down to the computer, thinking that I would update the website. Each time I was overwhelmed by all of the thoughts going through my head and the realization that all that I had to say was so sad. I decided now though, that good or bad, I need to try to keep updating because it helps so much to stay connected with all of you.

First I would like to thank everyone who supported and participated in the Golf 4 A Cure tournament that was held on the 16th. It was a big success! It meant so much to us that it was held in Ryan's memory. The tournament raised a lot of money for the Children's Cancer Research Fund. Thanks so much Chauntel and Darin for putting it on. People like you are truly an inspiration and an example of how best to live our lives.

We are saddened today by the news that our friend, Priyanka, who was at Children's with Ryan and then went to the "U" for a transplant, passed away yesterday morning. She was a very special little girl and will be in our hearts forever.

Most things here are the same. I still think of my sweet boy every minute and have to work so hard to get through each day without him. As I said a month ago, my mind and heart are treading water. Merely keeping afloat doesn't sound like much, but when it is in spite of the fact that I often don't want to go on, it is a lot.
The kids are doing well. As their summer activities end and fall begins it feels as if we have made it over one hurdle and are starting another.
Taylor's soccer team made it to the championship game Monday night and they won! Even better, she scored the only goal of the game!! That was a great way to end the season and a real confidence booster for her.
She and Lauren are getting ready for school to start and are excited about that. Lauren met her teacher last night. While the children worked with the teacher, the parents filled out paperwork. It seemed as though every page asked about Lauren's siblings. How many are there? What are their names and ages? etc. I wasn't sure what to do at first. I sat frozen and then decided to include Ryan's name because present or not he will always be a part of our family. I cried as I went through everything, not because my baby was starting Kindergarten but because my other baby wouldn't be starting preschool. Ryan was so excited to finally be able to go to school. His backpack was ready and he even had a lunchbox a year ago that he wouldn't need for another 4 years. There will always be something missing in our lives and some reminder of that. It is hard to imagine living the rest of our lives this way. I can only pray that it will get easier with each year's passing.
Brandon officially hit the terrible twos, Monday, at 7:30 A.M. to be exact. He was busy before, it's just that now I have to run to keep up with him.
I found him sitting on the bathroom counter with his feet in the sink. He had squirted soap all over his feet and was washing them under the water. "Oh boy," I said, "Your feet are so clean. You can't be up here though."
"Babble, babble, O.K." he said. I dried him off and got him down. As I cleaned up the mess I heard the girls screaming. I came out to see what was wrong and found Brandon already on top of the dining room table swinging the chandelier. He is probably just what I need.

We pray today for Priyanka's family. May they find the strength they need to go on. We pray as well for Mason and his family. He is a sweet boy that we had the privelege of finally meeting last week. As always we keep Max, Christie, Rosie, Duncan, Drew, Sean and all of the 8th floor kids in our thoughts and prayers too.

Thanks for checking in with us.

Love, Cari

Sunday, July 27, 2003 8:21 PM CDT

Hi everybody,

The Relay for Life was a big success! Thank you again to everyone who purchased a luminaria. That was our team's biggest fundraiser. Ryan had so many lit up around the track that night. It was wonderful knowing that so many people keep him in their hearts.

7 weeks and 5 days have past since my big boy became an angel in heaven. Lately I have been thinking though that he must have already been an angel, one on loan because a sweeter, more precious boy we couldn't have asked for.

As I sit here now I can hear Barney singing in the background as Brandon watches a movie, and Jeff, Taylor and Lauren are making cookies in the kitchen.
One person is missing. The last three weeks that Ryan was home he watched a lot of Barney and Brandon caught the fever for it. He is now as into it as Ryan was. That makes me happy as if Ryan is alive in him. In the next breath I cry as I recall watching movies with Ryan in the hospital or when I remember how excited he was when I told him that he was going to meet Barney or when I think of the happiness I saw in his face when his wish came true. Every minute, every moment is filled with the sights and sounds of what used to be. Such wonderful memories but ones that now tear at my heart. At this difficult pace how is it that almost two months have gone by? It is strange how time keeps marching on. The world is moving forward, holidays and birthdays come and go, couples get married, babies will be born and yet my mind and heart are treading water. I guess that is a good way to describe it. Treading water, keeping afloat. Grief is hard work. That is what one of my "survival manuals" says, and it is true.

I was asked to include the following poem and letter. Many of you heard it read at Ryan's funeral. I wrote it to him after he died.

My sweet angel boy left us today.
My sweet angel boy is in heaven to stay.
So sensitive, caring and brave it is true.
We are so very proud of you.
Proud to be your mommy, thankful that it was me, who was chosen to take care of you until you were three.
You were my angel here on earth and now you are my angel above. Since the day I first held you in my arms, you have been the light of my life. My precious baby boy.
Your big blue eyes, your white golden hair and the smile that melted my heart. You were the busiest boy and always so happy. If you saw that I was sad you comforted me; you watched your sisters fight and you showed them a better way. So silly and fun, you brought joy to everyone. Even in the hospital, when you were so sick you took all of your medicines and made it a game. You put up with the poking, and all of your tests because you knew it would make you all better. You fought so hard and never gave up. Your strength and bravery taught us so much. It is so unfair. It wasn't meant to be. Your life was cut short so tragically. Now that you're gone I miss you so much. Especially cuddling together in your hospital bed and hearing you whisper in my ear, "I'll be your best friend." I'll always be yours too Buddy and the proudest mommy in the whole wide world. I'll wear your locket close to my heart and at night as I sleep with your picture in my arms I dream of you my sweet angel boy, and long for the day when I can hold you once more.

We pray today for Priyanka, Rosie, Christie, Mason, Max, Ryan, Duncan, Drew, and Sean.

Thank you for the poem Erica. It was perfect.

Love, Cari

Friday, July 18, 2003 5:12 AM CDT

Six weeks and three days.

Hi everybody,

Another sleepless night. Not the best timing since we'll be up walking all night for the Relay but oh well. At least I'm getting a jump start on the day right!? Things are coming together for the big event and I am excited to see how everything turns out.
Our bake sale was a big success! Thanks to everyone who helped make it happen and to everyone who stopped by. You made it great.

Tonight's activities start at 5:00. Our team, "Ryan's Hope", is putting on a duck pond, face painting, balloon sales, a chance drawing for a giant bear and a lemonade stand run by the Ryan's Hope juniors. It should be a fun night for all. The kids have been busily decorating luminaria bags. Thank you so much to everyone who purchased one. Each time Taylor and Lauren started decorating a new bag they would ask who it was for and so we talked about how each honors someone's mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son, etc. Each is someone loved very much and so they put a heart on every bag. The lighting ceremony will be an emotional one for us but very special and memorable too.

I think it was Becky who asked in the guestbook how the kids were handling everything. They are doing surprisingly well for all that they have been through in the last 8 months. As I mentioned to someone else, I think that they started grieving for Ryan when he left for the hospital back in November. Not only was their brother gone but their family was no longer physically "intact". I lived with him at the hospital and Jeff was there most days too. The day that we brought Ryan home for the last time was such a happy one for them until I had to tell them why. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Taylor, Lauren and Jeff and I talked and cried late into the night that night. They didn't understand why, since they had prayed to God, hadn't he made Ryan well. Hadn't he heard them or didn't they pray hard enough? The first couple of days that Ryan was home were spent like that and I would remind them to make every minute with him count. Thankfully they spent most of the three weeks they had with him playing and having fun. It was obviously devastating when he passed away and has been since but they are able to talk about him happily throughout the day every day. The first week or so Brandon wandered around the house looking for Ryan and yelling "Nye Nye". That is what he calls him. He doesn't do that anymore but he gets excited when I show him pictures of Ryan and talk to him about them. Lauren has since changed the name of her baby doll to "Ryan". She often draws him pictures and wishes aloud that he were still here. Taylor asks more about the "whys and hows" and is always the first to comfort me when I am sad. It has definitely helped being busy the last couple of weeks with the Relay for Life. Not only have we had a lot to do but doing something meaningful and for Ryan feels good. I know that he is with us in spirit and lives on in all of the good things that we do in his name.

Forever missing you "Big Boy",

Love, Mommy

Monday, July 7, 2003 10:19 PM CDT

Hi everybody,
I hope you all had a nice 4th of July weekend. Although it was a difficult first holiday without Ryan, we tried to make Friday a nice day for the other kids. We took them to a parade, thanks Chauntel and Darin, and later that night they had fun with sparklers. Believe it or not it was the first time we have taken them to a parade. I think that is why it felt O.K. to go. Instead of being saddened by memories of past 4th of July outings, this was something new. It was hard at first seeing the firetrucks in the parade but I felt better when I realized how much Ryan was probably enjoying them too.
(For those of you who weren't at the funeral, the Buffalo firefighters led Ryan's funeral procession to Buffalo's city limits. They pulled off as a firetruck from Delano took the lead. They led us to their city limits where Maple Plain took over and so on. The firefighters from each city led the processional all the way to the cemetary in Minnetonka.) Ryan would have loved it! We even had an awesome police escort in Wayzata who would cruise ahead, stop and block traffic at the busy intersections and then, after we passed, he would speed ahead of us again and block the next one. (I'm sure he wasn't really speeding ha ha.) Anyway it was so nice and seemed to say that they respected this precious life now gone and that "the most important person in the world had just died" which for us of course was true. You said it perfectly Julia.
Those firefighters have such a special place in my heart for holding Ryan in theirs.

Many times a day lately I am overwhelmed by everything and wonder how I can "deal with" my other children let alone be a good mom to them right now. Today they showed me that I've had it all wrong. They are the ones who will carry us through this difficult place and once again reminded me about unconditional love.
Our morning was going O.K. until I went downstairs to the refridgerator that I don't often use. In it I found Ryan's un-used medicines and bags of hydration fluid. This brought everything rushing back. I tried to drain the bags of fluid and throw out the leftover medicines as the nurses told me to do but I just couldn't. It was like discarding what was left of Ryan from that time. I put them back into the fridge and spent the next half hour crying on my bed where Ryan used to sleep.
Brandon came into the room and Taylor, seeing that I was upset, led him back out. A few minutes later she came in and started rubbing my back. Brandon then climbed up onto the bed and seeing Taylor, he started rubbing my head. Being 21 months though, he was not exactly gentle. It felt like he had wound my hair into a knot and was giving me a nuggie. I started crying harder because here they were comforting me. Taylor then laid her head on my back in sort of a backwards hug. Brandon, wanting to do the same, laid his whole body down, on top of my head.
I started laughing almost as hard as I had been crying. As much as one can that is while being smothered. It was I thought telling of how the rest of our lives would be. So many moments and things that will remind us of what we have lost. And yet as family, we will be there for each other and hopefully always able to pick up the pieces.

We have our Relay for Life team set and are selling luminaries and organizing other fundraisers. The relay is July 18th at 6:00 P.M. at the Buffalo Middle School. There will be food for sale, music, games etc. so even if you aren't walking, come out and enjoy a great and inspirational night. Luminaries are $10.00 and if anyone would like to purchase one, please send me the money along with a note saying who you would like it to be in honor or memory of. Our address is:

Cari and Jeff Holt
302 16th Ave. N.E.
Buffalo, MN. 55313

All proceeds go to the American Cancer Society. The lighting ceremony will probably be at dusk. It really is an incredibly touching and hopeful experience.

I would like to thank everyone for your latest guestbook entries. You really helped me today when I needed it most. As soon as I recovered from my crying/laughing fit I went to the computer as I always do when I am sad. I was so happy to read your kind words. Thanks for continuing to think of us. Hooray too for Max! He is Ryan's friend from the hospital. His transplant went well and his new cells are growing back. He may even get to go home soon. We pray for his continued success and for Priyanka who is on her way. We are also keeping Christie, Ryan, Drew, Duncan, Rosie, Sean and the rest of the 8th floor gang in our prayers as well.

Five weeks ago at this time I was laying down with my sweet boy in my arms. He was by then in a coma but he was still here with us and holding him as he "slept" was something I'll never forget. It was devastating knowing he probably wouldn't make it through the night and yet I would re-live that pain again just to have him back in my arms one more time.

We love you and miss you Ryan.

Tuesday, July 1, 2003 6:10 AM CDT

Good morning everyone. I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd check in early today. Week four... I can't believe it has been almost one month already. Most of the last few weeks are a blur to me. Especially the first few days after Ryan passed away. Not that I can't still see every inch of his beautiful face but everything else around me from that time is a blur. I was talking to Ryan's aunt Brenda yesterday and she said the same thing. I think we were all walking around in shock, going through the motions but not really there. We are still going through the motions I guess but our reality is much more clear now. One moment I am happy recalling Ryan's shy, trying not to smile, smile or the way he would bounce in his seat when he was excited and then a heaviness falls upon my chest as I realize he is gone and I will never see those things again. It is such a roller coaster and I suppose it always will be. The hills will not always be as steep but they will be there nevertheless.
During the last few weeks that Ryan was home with us we asked him to pick out a tree that we were going to plant for him. He thought it was pretty neat that he would have his very own tree. I think he wondered what he would do with it because he chose a "Christmas tree". We told him that every year on his birthday,(December 8th), we would decorate it just for him. He liked that idea. The day after Ryan died we went outside to look at his tree and discovered a bird nest already in it with three little eggs. The eggs have since hatched and the little birds now have feathers. I went out there this morning to check on them and all is well. I hope I didn't scare the neighbors as I was still in my pajamas. It was nice to be out in the quiet of a new day and to see life just beginning. I'll have to start each day this way. (just to warn everyone!)

Last Friday night Jeff and the kids and I went to Edina's Relay for Life. We were told that a few people had purchased luminaries in Ryan's name (Thanks Everyone!) and so we wanted to go see them. I'd never been to a relay before either and wanted to, but I also had this motherly pull I guess like I needed to be there for these little candles that now represented Ryan. I couldn't imagine them being there all alone. It sounds funny but without Ryan physically here anymore his pictures and the things that represent him, are him. His spirit lives in these things, as well as our precious memories, and they are all that we have.
We arrived a little after 9:00 P.M. and had just enough time to find Ryan's luminary before the lighting ceremony began. This was such a difficult, but amazing experience. At dusk, the lights were turned out and the only light came from the candles that lined the track field. The word "hope" was also spelled out with luminary bags in the bleachers on one side of the field so that during the ceremony, everyone in the stands on the other side could see it. After the ceremony the cancer survivors and their caregivers were called down to the track to start the first lap. As I looked around and started to see the survivors stand up and make their way down I was overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all. When they had gone about half way around the track the announcer called the remaining people from the stands to join them. I along with a couple of other people weren't able to get up. I sat and cried as I watched all of those people walking together around the track. All of them touched in some horrible way by cancer. There were so many stories there that night and so much heartache. And yet, it was the most hopeful and uplifting thing I have ever witnessed. They were all there, coming together to try to make a difference.
When someone you loves has cancer you feel so helpless and wish so many times that there were something you could do to help. In that moment, usually all that you can do is love them and be with them. Ryan taught me that this in itself is everything. The people walking around the track that night had found a wonderful way to help outside of those many, shorter and most precious moments.

A Relay for Life is being held in Buffalo on July 18th, at 6:00 P.M., at the Buffalo middle school. We are going to participate in this and are in the process of getting a team together. We will post details soon on events and how to purchase luminaries.

I better go, my busy Brandon is up and demanding "tose and juice!" You were right Lois, when I am feeling down someone always needs milk. They keep me going and I suppose that is a good thing.

Please pray with us for Max and Priyanka. They have had their bone marrow transplants and are waiting for healthy cells to grow back. We pray that the new cells are 100% donor cells and that they remain infection free. We pray too for Christie who has relapsed but is on her way to another remission and a successfull transplant as well.

Thanks for everyone's continued prayers and updates!

Love, Cari

Sunday, June 22, 2003 6:26 PM CDT

It has been almost three weeks since Ryan was taken away.
As many people do when they have lost a loved one, we struggle daily with the "whys" and "hows". Why did an innocent child, one with so much to give to the world have to be taken away? Why couldn't he have been cured?
And because the research on leukemia is so new, we also wonder "how"? How did he get it? We aren't even allowed an answer to that? How do we protect our other children? We pray for answers to at least these last few questions.

February 3, 2002, Ryan's "Grandma Linda" was also taken away. I say taken away because she too died of cancer. She was only 51 years old. For months after I struggled with why. She was so young. Too young.
In November when Ryan was diagnosed with leukemia I feared that I had found the answer to my question. She was taken in order to be there for Ryan when it was his time to go. I pushed this thought out of my mind because it was too scarey to think about and couldn't possibly be true.
Six months later my fear was confirmed. Ryan did lose his fight with leukemia, and the Thursday before he died, his grandma showed us that she was with us.

We are told that over time, the answers to life's mysteries are sometimes revealed. With the loss of a child though, I can't imagine an explanation good enough.

When our time comes we will ask Him. We will also, however, be reunited with our sweet angel boy and so happy that the answers won't matter. Until then we live hour by hour, just hoping to get through the day. For me the end of the day is a wonderful thing because sleep usually brings peace.

The following poem was written by my aunt, Carol for Ryan and his "Grandma Linda" (who is also Carol's sister.) She read it at the cemetary before the balloon release.

GRANDMA'S PROMISE

Come along with me my little one.
Hold Grandma's hand and together we will fly with angels wings up through the heavens of white tumbling clouds and rainbow skies.
To a holy place I know.
Where God lives high in the heaven's sky.
Where his angels have prepared a place for you and I.
A place where little children have gathered to pray.
As they wait patiently for you to come and play.
For today we celebrate this your most sacred day.
Surrounded by our Holy Father, embraced with his love and blessed with the Holy Spirit from way up above.
Forever together my precious grandson.
Your new life has just begun.

(For those of you who were at the cemetary that day... the balloons that got stuck high up in the tree are still there, right over Ryan's "spot", right where he would want them.)

Thursday, June 12, 2003 1:13 PM CDT

As I sat here today trying to figure out what to say, I realized that there are no words to describe the depth of pain that we are feeling right now. I guess it is not even necessary to do so. What I do know is that this website has been a lifeline of sorts for us. Throughout this difficult journey we have come to rely on the support we have received from all of you and the thought of not "coming here" and checking in is a loss too. That is why we would like to keep up with this somehow. Not as often maybe but perhaps it can be a source of support for all of those hurting and needing to still feel connected. With that said I would like to thank everyone who has been with us for your support and encouragement. The poems we received recently touched our hearts and will forever be remembered. We would also like to again thank everyone at Children's hospital for the great care that Ryan received. It meant so much to see and hear from you even after we left the hospital. That showed us how much you truly cared for our precious boy.
There are many more children still fighting and we would like to ask that the prayers you were saying for Ryan be directed to them now. Max is, like Ryan, a 3 year old boy with AML. He's been at Children's with Ryan since the beginning and our families were hoping that the two of them would go together to the "U" for transplant. Max has made it there and his bone marrow transplant is Friday. We pray that the new healthy cells he receives will like their new home and will multiply quickly. Another friend has just made it to the "U" for bmt and will begin soon too. Her name is Priyanka and we pray for her as well. We also pray for strength for their families as they begin the next phase of their journey and that this will be the cure they have been working so hard for. Our prayers also go out to Ryan Jacobs who has completed his transplant, Sean, Rosie, Kyle, Jacob, Duncan and the rest of the 8th floor children and their families. If you'd like to send your prayers and support to our special friends their websites can be found at caringbridge.org/mn/madams, caringbridge.org/mn/priyanka, and caringbridge.org/mn/ryan.
I am going to post some pictures from Ryan's time in the hospital that we hadn't shared and will leave you now with one of the poems that we were sent. Thanks Erica.

GOD'S GARDEN
God looked around His garden and found an empty place.
He then looked down upon the earth and saw your tired face.
He put His arms around you and lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful, He always takes the best. He knew you were suffering, He knew you were in pain,
He knew that you would never get well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough and the hills were hard to climb so He closed your weary eyelids, and whispered "Peace Be Thine."
It broke our heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone. For part of us went with you, the day God called you home. We love you and we miss you Ryan Dean.

Wednesday, June 4, 2003 8:12 PM CDT

This was posted yesterday.

My sweet angel boy left us today.
My sweet angel boy is in heaven to stay.
So sensitive, caring and brave it is true.
We are so very proud of you.
Proud to be your mommy, thankful that it was me, who was chosen to take care of you until you were three.

A visitation will be held Friday from 5-8 P.M. at Peterson Chapel in Buffalo.

The funeral service will be Saturday at 11:00 A.M. at Zion Lutheran church in Buffalo. A lunch will follow and then we will proceed to Groveland cemetary in Minnetonka. We plan to arrive there around 2:00 P.M.

For those coming to the cemetary, we will end with a balloon release. Please bring a helium filled balloon if you would like to participate.

Tuesday, June 3, 2003 11:26 AM CDT

My sweet angel boy left us today.
My sweet angel boy is in heaven to stay.
So sensitive, caring and brave it is true.
We are so very proud of you.
Proud to be your mommy, thankful that it was me, who was chosen to take care of you until you were three.

Ryan passed away this morning around 4:30 A.M. We have updated the photos and will post information on memorial services soon.

Thursday, May 29, 2003 10:04 PM CDT

This past week has been wonderful and sad all at the same time. That is I guess what you would expect. Ryan is still having many good days which we are very thankful for. He is weak so he isn't walking a whole lot but finds it in him when he wants to go to the park and climb to the slide or swing on the swings. Ryan is starting to sleep a little more as he tires easily but his nausea seems to be back under control so he is eating more and obviously enjoying feeling better. The beginning of last week he was throwing up a lot and the doctors determined that his stomach had slowed way down so instead of pushing things through it was coming back up. The medicine they put him on for it helped almost immediately and after a few days he seemed to be feeling much better. The day after he started on the medicine he was at Monticello hospital for a platelet transfusion. Right before we left he had what they thought was a seizure. It was very scarey and not knowing what to expect at this point I was afraid we were losing him. He came out of it and our doctors later said that he had "only" had a reaction to the new drug. They cut the dose in half and it hasn't happened since. Thank goodness. Although they said it didn't hurt him I don't think my heart could handle that experience again.

Last week Ryan decided that he wanted to see the giraffes at the zoo so we took him to Como Park. The weather was great and the kids had a blast. That is the most excited I have seen him in a long time. We were only there two hours but that was just perfect. (With Brandon keeping things interesting somehow it seemed longer.) By the time we left he was covered from head to toe in red, white, and blue bomb pops! Other than the zoo, we've been sticking somewhat close to home as that is what Ryan is most comfortable with. It has been very nice enjoying all of the simpler things that we have missed and thankfully those seem to be the big things for the kids as well. The park nearby has been a favorite spot for them so that they can throw rocks into the lake and play. We also had a photographer come out to our house so that we could have a family portrait done and have had several family visiting days with grandmas and grandpas, etc. Between that and two days per week at the hospital for transfusions, the time has gone fast. We pray for slow, sunny days ahead for all.

I am still working on updating the photo album. My computer won't allow me to upload the digital photos that were taken at Ryan's party. We will keep trying.

Thanks again to everybody for the great meals, prayers, and support. We continue to pray for our miracle and for the rest of the 8th floor children as well.

Love, Cari

Tuesday, May 20, 2003 1:15 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
I can't believe we've been home a week already. It has gone by much too fast. The first couple of days were disappointing because so much time was spent with nurses, and learning all there is to know about Ryan's meds, pumps, etc. Two 1/2 days also spent at the hospital so Ryan could receive blood and platelets. Obviously important stuff but time consuming too. Although it is difficult, happy to be together one minute and devastated over why the next we are trying our best to just concentrate on family and cherish every minute.

Ryan is so happy to be home and did have a big glass of milk as soon as we came in! With his energy level down he has mostly wanted to play games and watch movies. Friday afternoon we went up to the lake so he could fish off of the dock and throw rocks into the water. Those were things he has talked about doing throughout his time in the hospital. Grandpa Williams and Uncle Nate made sure that Ryan caught a fish before the day was over too!

We arrived home Tuesday at 4:30 and by 5:30 people from Make a Wish were here interviewing Ryan to be able to make his dream come true. Ryan's wish was to meet Barney and on Saturday he did. They threw a big party here at our house including all of Ryan's favorites. The menu was cheese pizza, doritos, grape pop, icees and chocolate cake with orange sherbert ice cream. There was also a duck pond game, a basketball game, a popcorn machine, and a giant castle moonwalk! Barney arrived via fire truck and later Spiderman, Baby Bop, Dora, Clifford the dog and Spongebob surprised us. Our family was able to share in his special day and that is exactly what it was. We couldn't have asked for anything more. I'll post some pictures from the big day for everyone to see.

Sunday was pretty low key although probably Ryan's best day, energy wise. He played quite a bit at home and we ended the day with a wagon ride around the neighborhood. Yesterday and today he has slept most of the time and I am hoping this is just from all of the playing he has done the last couple of days.

Thank you so much to everyone for all of the great meals and other surprises that you have brought over! Between taking care of and enjoying Ryan and the other kids, and Brandon (who is oh so good at being 18 months old), we have our hands full. We are so thankful for everyone's support and really appreciate the help!

Love, Cari

Tuesday, May 13, 2003 8:14 AM CDT

Although our journey is not through, our time here at Children's is. We found out today that Ryan's leukemia is coming back fast. Last week's bone marrow test showed that 69% of his cells are leukemic. This is up from 14% the week before. Ryan has been given all of the chemotherapy that is available. These are the best medicines there currently are for children with AML. Sadly this was not enough for him as is the case too often with this cruel disease. We pray that the future will bring a cure with treatments that are easier on the little ones receiving them.
There is a clinical trial open at the University of Minnesota hospital that offers an experimental treatment. We weren't sure that this was something we would want to try, however, the decision has been made for us. By the time Ryan would be able to start and by the time it would take effect, it would already be too late. The doctor said that Ryan has a few days to a month left. Probably a couple of weeks.

Our focus now is on making every day great for him and the other kids. This is the only thing getting us through this difficult time. I asked Ryan if he could have anything he wanted, what would it be? He said, "...to have some milk at home."
I am so thankful that we are able to bring him home so that he can be a kid again and pray that we all live in the same simple happiness and appreciation for everything and everyone in our lives.

Thank you everyone for being here with us. Your prayers and encouragement have carried us many times. We will continue to update the website with Ryan's last, hopefully sunnier days ahead.

Love, Cari

Sunday, May 11, 2003 9:13 PM CDT

We had a wonderful weekend. Ryan got to come home for Mothers Day. Cari brought him home Sunday morning and brought him back to the hospital Sunday evening. We had a great day pampering mom. Having Ryan home for a day made us forget the past six months. We felt like a family again. It was very hard for Cari and I and the kids to bring ryan back to the hospital. The kids were crying when we took Ryan out to the van. Ryan also was crying because he didn't want to go back. The day went by way too fast.

I know one thing, this family will never be the same again. We have learned that every minute spent together is a minute cherished. Family is above all the most important thing in life. Work and everything else comes second. This family will be focused on time spent together creating loving memories that will last with us forever. There's not a day that goes by without telling Cari and my kids how much I love them. I hope none of you have to go through what my family is going through right now. Just appreciate the time you have together as a family, and those of you who have children, tell them every night how much you love them and give them hugs as much as you can.

Ryan's bone marrow test is this Wednesday. Please pray that we see no leukemia and a remission soon. This is Ryans best chance. Thank you for your prayers and your journal entries. We feel blessed to have you all praying for Ryan and giving us words of encouragement. God bless all of you.

Love,
The Holts

Wednesday, May 7, 2003 2:50 PM CDT

We're still in the race!

Today's most important news is that the test results we were waiting for from last week's bone marrow came back good. It showed that 14% of the cells in Ryan's bone marrow were leukemia cells. This is a lot but the week before, 46% of the cells were leukemic so the chemo was still working and the cells were dying out. Again, this is the result of last week's bone marrow test so we are hoping that since then even more or all of the remaining leukemia cells have died out. Ryan was tested today again but we won't know the results until next week.

What we do know about today's bone marrow test is that there seems to be a few more cells present, but most of them are immature cells therefore we don't know whether they will be good or bad. We will have to wait another week to find out what is happening. It is a good sign that there are only a few more cells there now than there were last week. Leukemia cells divide faster than healthy cells and so the doctor said that when they do come back they will be "fast and furious". To see his bone marrow saturated with immature cells might mean that they are leukemic. That is not what is happening and so we can be happy about that.

Ryan also had a spinal tap and a CT scan done today. We don't have the results of either of those yet. The CT was of his abdomin and pelvis to try to find a source of his pain and nausea. The doctors wanted to rule out pancreatitis. The preliminary view looked OK but we will know for sure later today. Ryan also had his hickman removed and a temporary line put into his neck. He has an infection which is fairly common but is in his tubes and would keep coming back if the infected lines were not taken out. Once the infection has been cleared from his body he will have a new hickman put in. (The hickman is the intraveneous line that sticks out of his chest. It splits into two lines with ports on each end. This is how he receives his medicines, transfusions, has blood drawn etc.)

Ryan has had quite a day and is not very happy with us but will be when the infection is gone and he feels better. I have assured him that there won't be anymore tests done for a while. In the meantime he will have to adjust to the feeling of this new line and it being so close to his face.

Although we are still waiting and in an unsure place, I am so very thankful that we're still here, fighting the fight. It feels great to have our hope renewed and pray that more goodness is to come. Please pray that the leukemia cells will continue to die out and that new healthy cells will grow back soon.

Love, Cari

Monday, May 5, 2003 5:12 AM CDT

Ryan had a great weekend. He is starting to feel like his old self. Everyone came up on saturday for Grandma Williams birthday party. We had a great day. When Ryan saw his family, he immediatly perked up and wanted to go to the playroom. Seeing his family was great therapy. He played with his brother and sisters and played pac-man. It looks like Ryan has recovered from his last chemo treatment. What a tough kid. He had to endure a lot of pain and nasty side affects and a trip to ICU. Its getting harder and harder for us to put him through these chemo treatments, especially when they don't work.

Wednesday is the the most important day of Ryans life. He will have a bone marrow test that will tell us where he is at with his leukemia. If the leukemia is back, then Ryan's options are very limited. If there is no leukemia or very little, then we wait another week to see if his good cells start to grow. The doctors aren't very optimistic.

We would like to put out a prayer request. Please pray for good results for Ryan on Wednesday. We need to see good cells and no or very little leukemia. I would also like to say a prayer for Nick and Kyle. Nick passed away Friday morning from his leukemia. Kyle went to The University Of Minnesota Sunday morning to receive one last chemo treatment. Please pray that Nick's mom and dad can find the strength to get through this difficult time and that Kyle's last chemo treatment will work and put him in remission. Lets also pray for Max. Max is waiting to see if his latest chemo round has worked so he can go get a transplant. God bless all the kids on the 8th floor and God bless everyone for their prayers and support. Keep the faith.

Love,
The Holts

Thursday, May 1, 2003 3:25 PM CDT

We received heart wrenching news yesterday. A special test that they do at the University of Minnesota came back with bad results. Cells that they couldn't see last week are indeed leukemic. Forty six out of a hundred are leukemic. Yesterdays bone marrow test shows immature cells that look like leukemia. The doctors were surprised and felt bad that they got our hopes up last week. They were sure they would see good cells and no leukemia. This is very shocking news for us. We finally thought we were on the right path. They want us to wait a week and do another bone marrow next wednesday. The doctor feels the leukemia will be growing by then and we can get a better idea of what we need to do next. Ryan's options are very limited.

Please pray that Ryan will get positive results next wednesday. There's a small chance that his good cells could recover quickly and keep what leukemia he has suppressed. He only needs 20% good cellularity to have a transplant. His leukemia needs to be under 5%. I still believe God will come through for Ryan. Lets keep praying and hoping for the best.

Love,
The Holts

Tuesday, April 29, 2003 10:10 PM CDT

Ryan was discharged from ICU last night. What a relief. It's nice to be back on the 8th floor with our freinds and favorite nurses. We feel so fortunate to be at Childrens Hospital. The ICU did an AWESOME job taking care of Ryan. The ICU doctors and nurses were on top of everything when it came to Ryans care.

Ryan is still weak from being on the ventilator for almost two weeks. He gets stronger everyday and was able to go to the playroom today. We played Pac-Man and then went for a wagon ride. Ryan has some nausea and cramps when he goes to the bathroom. His mouth sores and blisters are healed. He had another chest x-ray today and the results were good. His lungs remain clear and infection free. He has a bone marrow test tomorrow and a cat scan on Thursday. The bone marrow test will tell the doctors where his white blood cell count is at. It will also tell them if the leukemia has reared its ugly head again. They feel confident that they will get good results. Cari and I are nervous, but very hopeful. The CT scan is to make sure there are no infections in their beginning stages.

Tomorrow is another big day for Ryan. We need to get good results from the bone marrow test. We need to see continued cell growth and no leukemia. Thank you for your prayers and support. Our family is truely blessed to have all of you by our sides during this difficult journey.

Love,
The Holts

Sunday, April 27, 2003 10:19 PM CDT

Ryan continues to get better. He's still in ICU, but will hopefully move up to the 8th floor this Tuesday. The doctors want him in ICU a few more days so they can wean him off some of the medicines that he was on when he was on the ventilator. Ryan's mouth sores and skin blisters are almost healed and gone. Ryan is also continuing to make good blood cells. His white blood cell count is creeping up. This explains why he has started the healing process. He will have another bone marrow test on Wednesday to see where his cell count is at. He needs to be at 20% cellularity in his bone marrow before they will take him to transplant.

Ryan still has a long journey ahead of him. The doctors are hoping the bone marrow transplant will finally cure Ryan of his leukemia. He will spend most of this summer at Fairveiw University Hospital for his transplant. If everything goes well, his treatment will end sometime in September. We will continue to keep everyone informed during our journey. Please pray for a remission soon and complete recovery from this latest chemo round.

Love,
The Holts

Friday, April 25, 2003 9:44 AM CDT

Two great days in a row! As of yesterday morning Ryan's ventilator settings were as low as they could go and his blood gases were good so the doctors let him wake up and they removed the breathing tube! He didn't open his eyes but he did say "Mommy" before he fell back to sleep. I of course was thrilled. That process went well but he is struggling with withdrawal from the morphine and the other drugs he was on. He slept all day yesterday, all last night and is still asleep now. He has woken up for about two minutes at a time, shaking and crying but then conks right back out.

I forgot to mention the other day that he has remained off of the dialysis machine, that is why they were able to wean him from the vent. The catheter was removed yesterday BEFORE he woke up. We made sure of that. He is sore from that and will be for a couple of days but has caught himself up on his "output."

Yesterday we also received the results of the second part of Ryan's bone marrow test. The doctor took a piece of his bone and sent it off to be biopsied. This confirmed the original set of results. His bone marrow right now has 5% of the normal volume of cells in it. They appear to be new, healthy cells but we won't know for sure until next week's bone marrow test. More waiting. That is OK though because it seems he is going in the right direction. The pathologist thought that the cells are new which means that his bone marrow cells are already repopulating. Ryan only needs 20% of the normal amount of cells to be there in order to go to transplant. (They do have to be healthy cells in order for him to be in remission.) That he has good cells coming back already though is great. This process could slow down and take a month but if it continues the way it is going now he could be ready in a couple of weeks. The BMT office finally confirmed too that they found a good match for Ryan from the cord blood bank. This is what we were hoping for because with a cord match there is less chance of graft verses host disease after transplant.

When I think about last week and how the doctors were questioning if it was even worth it to support Ryan through this crisis I can't believe it. He has come so far and is finally beating the odds in a good way. Hopefully he will be up and comfortable enough to want to watch Barney soon!

Please pray that Ryan will remain infection free and that his body will produce new, healthy cells quickly.

Enjoy the great weather today! Love, Cari

Wednesday, April 23, 2003 2:41 PM CDT

PRAISE THE LORD!! We received great news today! Ryan's bone marrow is for the most part clean. There is nothing there which is what we were hoping for. Now we just have to pray that only good, healthy cells grow back.

I'll write more later. I'm too excited to sit still!

Oh yeah, they have also started weaning Ryan from the vent. He may be off of that tomorrow!!!

Thank everybody,
Love, Cari

Monday, April 21, 2003 11:14 AM CDT

Ryan has continued to make great strides each day.

Our doctor quote of the day is, "Ryan has gone above and beyond my expectations!"

Ryan's x-rays now are clear- there isn't anymore fluid in his lungs, abdomin or the pockets surrounding his lungs! Because of this the doctors were able to start weaning him from the dialysis machine.
Yesterday, as a trial run, the dialysis machine was turned down to its lowest setting. This means it was taking out very little fluid for Ryan. The hope was that his kidneys would recognize that their work wasn't being done for them and they would start working again on their own. His body did start to respond so last night at 6:00 the dialysis machine was turned off and as of this morning, his kidneys are putting out the same amount of fluid that is being taken in!! Hopefully this will continue. It will take at least 24 hours to know for sure but it looks great so far!

Ryan's ventilator can be weaned next. It has already been turned down from a more powerful setting to a standard one and another portion of the machine was lowered again today. This process is a slower one in the sense that it cannot just be turned off like the dialysis machine but if all goes well, it will still only take a couple of days. His lungs were a little cloudy on today's x-ray but that is almost expected since he was just taken off of the dialysis machine.

This morning when we walked into Ryan's room the nurse was giving him a sponge bath and they were listening to Kenny G. It was a good feeling to see something "normal" going on. We are staying at the Wasie Center which is sort of like a hotel for hemotology/oncology patient's families. It is on the other side of Abbott hospital and is connected to Children's hospital by tunnels. It is quite a walk especially when we are anxious from being away from Ryan for so long. The whole way I wonder what we will walk into and pray that it is good news. That is why this morning was so great.

It seems as though Ryan is going to get through this latest crisis much better and sooner than the doctor's expected. We must pray that this great progress will continue and that the news we receive Wednesday will be good. Wednesday his bone marrow will be tested to see if the chemo is working on the leukemia or not. We have to see progress here because the last treatment he received was the last that the doctors have to try on him.

Please pray that the leukemia is gone and that Ryan is on his way to remission so that we can continue his fight for life.

Love, Cari

Thursday, April 17, 2003 9:48 AM CDT

Ryan had a good night last night. The doctor said he is "ecstatic" about how it went!

Because I didn't have time to give much detail yesterday, I'll back up and fill you in on more now. Tuesday when the breathing tube was put into Ryan, he was sedated with a relaxing drug and a lot of morphine. He was also started on a muscle relaxant so that he won't move or fight to breath against the ventilator. He will remain "asleep" until he is taken off of it. This will probably be a couple of weeks. Yesterday he was put on a dialysis machine to rid his body of all of the extra fluid. This is giving his kidneys a break so that they can heal. He will hopefully only need this for 4-7 days. We have already seen good results. Ryan's abdomin, lungs and the pockets surrounding his lungs were full of fluid. The fluid surrounding his lungs was acting like a vise and was squeezing them. The doctor thought that he may have to insert needles into Ryan's sides to release that fluid but the dialysis machine has already gotten rid of most of it so he won't have to! His lungs this morning still have fluid in them but not as much as yesterday. Also as a check, Ryan's stomach is measured (with a measuring tape around the outside) because it is distended. Yesterday it had swelled to 62cm and is now down to 58cm. Thank you God for this great start!

Periodically Ryan is put on what they call a "drug holiday." This means he is taken off of the muscle relaxant just until he starts to move around and then put back on it. By seeing that he is able to move his head, arms and legs they know that neurologically, at least in that area, he is ok. This was done this morning and just as Jeff and I came in he was starting to move. I began talking to him and we turned Barney on for him to hear and he really started wiggling! They then turned the muscle relaxant back on so that we wouldn't wake enough to try to breath because that would stress his lungs and set him back on his healing. It was so good to see him move and to know that he is in there somewhere. That has been the hardest part for me. Him being sedated all the time I mean. He looks as though he is on life support which is scarey and he obviously can't look at me or talk so even though he is there, I miss him. I have to keep reminding myself that he is much better off this way because he is not in pain. If he were awake he would be suffering from the side effects of the chemo right now. Being "asleep" through the toughest part is in that way a blessing.
Ryan is also going to have a CT scan done today to make sure that he is neurologically ok in the other areas of his brain as well. The previous one they did came out fine so I'm sure this one will too.

Ryan has a lot of hurdles to overcome but we all know what a fighter he is and so if anyone can do it, he can.

Please pray that the dialysis machine will do it's job and that Ryan's lungs and kidneys will heal completely. Also pray that the chemo that has done this to him has also killed off the remaining leukemia cells. That will be his biggest hurdle and we will find out next week.

Thanks for keeping him in your hearts and prayers.

Love, Cari

Wednesday, April 16, 2003 9:20 AM CDT

Tuesday morning around 5:30 A.M. Ryan was moved to the intensive care unit. His little body had to work too hard to breath. Once there he had more tests that showed a lot more fluid in his lungs, abdomin and the areas around his lungs. The doctors were hoping that with enough lasix, etc. he will be able to start putting out more fluid than he is taking in. As of this morning this has improved. We were very happy about that but the doctor came in and said that they are still thinking about putting Ryan on a dialysis machine for extra support and to relieve the pressure on his lungs faster. The other option is to put tubes into Ryan's sides in order to release the fluid that way. We are waiting to hear what they decide and will update later.

Thank you for all of your messages of hope, encouragement and prayers.

Love, Cari

Monday, April 14, 2003 8:58 PM CDT

Ryan started his final chemo round last Wednesday. This is a very potent round of chemo which will have severe side affects and a high risk of infection. This is his only chance to get in remission. This round could last up to sixty days.

Ryan felt fine up to yesterday. Last night the chemo took a hold of his little body and now he is miserable. His body aches and he is running fevers and has a lot of nausea. He can hardly talk due to mouth sores. They have him on so much morphine that he sleeps most of the day. His kidneys are also malfunctioning due to the chemo. He's not producing enough albumin. As a result, he is retaining body fluids which gives him a puffy look to his face, feet, and hands. This is all chemo related. The doctors told us that this is normal with the amount of chemo that he just received. He is now getting albumin through his IV and Lasics. Lasics helps him pee so he can release these fluids. These symptoms will last for a while before they get better. Our biggest concern is infection. Ryan has no immune system right now which gives him a high risk for infection.

Ryan had several tests today to see if he had any infections brewing. He had an ultra sound of his kidneys, liver, stomach, and lungs. He also had x-rays done on his head and lungs. The results of the tests showed he has fluid in his stomach and lungs. This is a result of low albumin levels. The doctors feel this can be corrected and is not a serious issue for the moment. His head and liver came out good. He is having a difficult time breathing. This is a result of the fluid build up in his lungs. He has an oxygen blow by which helps him breathe. All of this has happened since Sunday evening.

I look at Ryan and wonder if we made the right choice to go on. Sometimes I wish he was old enough to make his own decision on whether to go on with treatment or not. I know there's a lot of adults that would of refused this last round of chemo. I love that little guy with all my heart and hate to see him in such pain. I would trade places with him in a heartbeat. The bottom line is that I couldn't live with myself knowing that we quit when he still had a chance, even though the chance is very small.

We would like to put out another prayer request. Please pray that Ryan gets through these side affects from his chemo and remains infection free, and above all, goes into remission. God Bless everyone and thank you for your continued prayers and support.

Love,
The Holts

Thursday, April 10, 2003 11:37 AM CDT

The results we received from Ryan's bone marrow test were not good. There are more leukemia cells there now than there were last week. Most of the cells in his bone marrow are in fact leukemic and are already keeping healthy cells from reproducing. There is only one chemotherapy treatment that Ryan has not had yet. It is a very strong chemo and so we are hopeful that it can and will do the job. We are leary however because each time a treatment is tried and fails, it gets harder and harder to get him into remission. The leukemia cells grow stronger and more resistant to treatment each time they are able to withstand something new.

Up until now Ryan has been feeling good and playing a lot. (He was feeling nauseas this morning though.) He has even been eating despite the feeding tube that he now has in. This was placed with the intent of keeping him nutritionally fit and ready for transplant. It was a very traumatic experience for Ryan though and has continued to be with several problems popping up. Each time he has had to be restrained in order to fix whatever is wrong. He should not have to go through this and so we are thinking today of having the tube removed. His quality of life is more important and the doctors can give him liquid nutrients called TPN overnight to make sure his body still receives the nutrition it needs.

Ryan was started on his new chemotherapy treatment early yesterday morning. Whenever the nurses come in with his medicines he asks them what they are called and what they are for. He is becoming quite knowledgeable for a three year old and it is so cute to hear him using such big words! When his nurse came in yesterday with two of his chemos he asked what they were. I told him that they were his new medicines. He was excited and said to the nurse, "That's going to make me all better?" I had to look away so he wouldn't see the tears in my eyes as she answered him, "We are praying it will Ryan."

I pray that in two weeks when his bone marrow is checked again I can look at him with a smile on my face and say "Yes Ryan, the new medicine is going to make you all better." Let's all pray that it will.

Thanks for everyone's continued support and prayers.

Love, Cari

Monday, April 7, 2003 6:15 AM CDT

We don't have much to report today. Ryan is still feeling good and eating well. His test on Tuesday will tell us where he's headed next. The weekend went by smoothly.

Ryan had his whole family up to see him this weekend. Grandma and Grandpa Holt and his aunt and Uncles and cousins came up Saturday for a picnic. We had a lot of fun. Cari's side of the family came up on Sunday. Seeing his family really lifted Ryan's spirits. He also got to see Taylor, Lauren, and Brandon. This was a special weekend that I'll cherish for the rest of my life.

I would like to ask everyone to say a special prayer for Ryan tonight. He's going to have the biggest test of his life on Tuesday. We need good results. Please pray for clean bone marrow or at least little or no Leukemia. He needs one of these two things to happen so he can go into remission. If not, he will then under go more chemo. We don't want to go that route. We will update Ryan's web site tomorrow night or Wednesday morning with his test results. Again, thank you for your prayers.

Love,
The Holts

Friday, April 4, 2003 6:15 AM CST

We didn't get the results we were hoping for. Ryan's bone marrow test showed that his Leukemia cells had decreased, but not enough to put him in remission. Dr. Bostrom wants to wait until Tuesday and do another bone marrow test. He thinks there might be a chance that the chemo and medicine may still be working. Lets pray that this is the case. If not, then Ryan has to under go a very aggressive chemo which he will start on Wednesday. He doesn't have very many Leukemia cells in his bone marrow. The problem is the remaining Leukemia cells are being very resistant to treatment. The doctors feel hopeful that this next chemo should do the trick.

Ryan had a feeding tube placed in him yesterday. They want to make sure he's getting the nutrition he needs so he can remain infection free. He is still feeling great and playing in the playroom a lot. They have a Pac Man arcade game and he loves to play it. He's gotton so good that I can't even beat him. I grew up with that game when it first came out. He looks so great that I just want to unhook him from his IV's and take him home. That day will come. Ryan is a fighter and the doctors said he is in great shape to get through this next round if he needs it. Again, lets pray that he doesn't need it.

We did get some really good news on Wednesday. Ryan has several chord blood matches. Chord blood comes from umbilical chords. Umbilical blood is full of stem cells which gives Ryan the best chance to beat his Leukemia. The doctors are going to narrow the matches down to the best one. Now all we have to do is get him in remission. After remission, he then gets his transplant.

We would like to put out a prayer request. Would everyone please pray for good news on Tuesday. We would like to see bone marrow with little or no Leukemia cells. We also want to see a remission soon. Thank you for your prayers and support. Ryan thanks you.

Love,
The Holts

Sunday, March 30, 2003 8:35 PM CST

I just had the best weekend of my life. I spent the weekend with my son at the hospital. We played in the playroom, watched a lot of Barney and Blues Clues movies and colored pictures on the windows in his room. The hospital has window markers that you can use to draw pictures on the windows in your room. I cherished every minute I had with him.

Ryan had a good weekend. He felt great and his appetite is still good. The only problem that he had was Saturday night. He woke up around 2:00 A.M. with a headache. The nurse gave him some childrens Tylenol which got rid of the pain. We both fell back to sleep and slept in till 8:00 A.M. That was GREAT. We both received much needed sleep. The doctor said the headache was from the Zofran which Ryan is getting for nausea.

I talked to doctor Bostrom and doctor Nelson this weekend. Dr. Bostrom told me that Ryan should experience very little side affects from the chemo this time because the chemo he is on is one of the milder ones. That explains why he is feeling good and still eating. He said that he is optimistic about Ryans chances of going into remission. The new drug (Mylotarg) seems to be working. The leukemia cells (blasts) are no longer in his blood. He hopes to get a good report this Wednesday when they do the Bone Marrow test. He wants to see either a reduction in leukemia cells or no leukemia cells at all in his bone marrow. Dr. Bostrom said we can all jump for joy if we don't see any bad cells on Wednesday. Usually if the Mylotarg rids the blood of leukemic cells, then there is a good chance the bone marow will eventually be clean. This would mean that Ryan has a good chance of going into remission. Lets all say a prayer that we get good news on Wednesday. Dr. Nelson told me that he also likes Ryan's progress thus far. He also said we should hear if we have a chord match or a donor match sometime tomorrow. He's hoping for a chord match. Chord matches are stem cells out of an umbilical chord. Once Ryan is in remission, they will send him over to the University Hospital right away for his transplant. They don't want to waste any time in fear of another relapse which would be deadly.

Please pray that we get good news Wednesday and that Ryan remains infection free. God Bless everyone for your prayers and support.
The Holts

Friday, March 28, 2003 6:49 AM CST

We don't have much to report today. Ryan is still feeling good. The effects of the chemo hasn't hit him yet. We figure he will be getting sick sometime next week. He is still eating good and wants to play in the playroom a lot. The doctors haven't been in to talk to us for a couple of days now. We figure no news is good news. Next Wednesday is a big day for Ryan. He will have a bone marrow check to see if the chemo and new drug are working. He needs to have clean bone marrow. If he does, and we know he will, we then wait to see if he goes into remission.

We are still waiting to see if Ryan has a bone marrow match from the cord bank or the bone marrow bank. We might find out today. Cross your fingers and pray that Ryan gets a match. It's the bone marrow tranplant and God that will rid Ryan of his Leukemia.

Cari and I want to thank everyone who has supported us through this journey and who have prayed for Ryans recovery. Keep the faith and keep praying. This is a battle that we are going to win.

Wednesday, March 26, 2003 7:22 PM CST

Ryan is back in the hospital to continue his chemo. He will also get another dose of Mylotarg. Mylotarg is the new drug they hope will get Ryan into remission. We will know next Wednesday if the treatment is working. They are hoping he has clean bone marrow which would mean he is going down the right path towards a remission.

Cari and I are still trying to get over the shock of the bad news we received about Ryan's relapse. He was doing so well and seemed to be on the right path toward a cure. Even the doctors and nurses were surprised that he relapsed. AML relapses are very critical. A relapse means that Ryan had leukemia cells that were immune to the chemo. The only hope he has is this new drug and above all, God. We believe Ryans fate is in Gods hands.

I want to share something that happened to me last wednesday. Last wednesday was the worse day of my life. It was the day after we found out about Ryan's relapse. I was so down that I couldn't control my emotions and was thinking nothing but the worse for Ryan. One of our biggest customers where I work is Access Business Group out of Michigan. They make two pickups a week every Tuesday and Thursday. They called our account manager to let her know if they could send a driver on Wednesday. I can count on one hand how many times they sent a driver in on Wednesday since we've had this account for two and a half years. The drivers name is Rick. Rick came in and over heard me talking to a fellow employee about Ryans condition. He started talking to me about his condition six years ago. He was told that he more than likely wouldn't live and if he did, he would never walk again. Well, he lived and is walking fine. Rick told me it was the power of prayer and the belief of Gods healing hand that saved him. We read a scripture out of his Bible and prayed. I felt something I have never felt before. I felt Gods presence through out my whole body. It was as if he was telling me that everything was going to be ok. I honestly believe that God sent Rick to me. There is know other way to explain it. Rick and God raised my spirits and I know that ryan is on the road to recovery.

From now on, we are going to try and update Ryan's web page every other day. Every day will bring new challenges for Ryan and we want to share them with the people we love. We ask that you keep praying for Ryan. Thanks again for your support. Love, the Holts.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003 5:38 AM CST

Ryan's check-up revealed devastating news. He has relapsed. When his counts were checked Monday the doctors found abnormal cells in his blood. They thought that most likely the leukemia was back but needed to test his bone marrow to be sure. We brought him to the hospital yesterday morning so they could do the test and they found that 13% of the cells in his bone marrow were leukemic. This morning we begin the most important few weeks of Ryan's life. I am bringing him to the hospital to begin a third round of chemotherapy. He will be receiving the same treatment that he would have had in this round but they are adding a new drug and hoping that the combination of the two will work even better. A relapse is difficult to get back into remission because with AML, the leukemia cells come back immune to the chemotherapy. We are praying that this new drug, that his body hasn't seen yet, will be able to wipe out ALL of the remaining cancer cells. A remission now is his only chance. In the mean-time a search will be done for a bone marrow donor from either the cord bank or the main bone marrow bank. (None of his siblings matched.)Once he is in remission, because we know he will make it, he will go to the University hospital for a bone marrow transplant. Two weeks from today Ryan's bone marrow will be tested again to see if the treatment is working.

Please pray that the new drug will work and that he will make it into remission again.

Thanks everyone for your continued support and prayers.

Love, Cari

Sunday, March 16, 2003 1:19 PM CST

We are still at home and loving it. Ryan is doing good and his counts are on the rise. Ryan has an appointment tomorrow to see if his counts are high enough to be admitted for his third round. We are hoping they are so we can get the ball rolling and get this third round over with. If he gets admitted, then he should be out by Easter if everything goes according to plan. After his third round of chemo, ryan will be tested to see if there is any signs of leukemia in his body. They will test his remaining blasts and take a DNA sample to see if he has any leukemic markers on his DNA. The results will determine where his treatment will go from there. He will also be randomized to the fourth round. Again, we want to thank everyone who has supported us and prayed for us during this difficult time in our lives.

Thursday, March 6, 2003 3:33 PM CST

We're home!!! Sunday morning they gave us the good news! Ryan wasn't able to leave Saturday because his hemoglobin was too low. He had to stay another day to have a blood transfusion. When he left Sunday his potassium was low but we were given a prescription for that. We were thrilled to be going home as you can imagine but a little leary because everyone at our house was sick. There were about five different viruses going through our house and we were afraid we would bring Ryan home with his low counts and end up bringing him right back to the hospital with a high fever. Well, Sunday afternoon he came home and by Monday evening he was throwing up. Tuesday morning he woke up with a fever. Luckily he had a check-up scheduled that morning at 10:45. Lucky yes, but I was afraid that because of his fever he would have to stay at the hospital. All the way there I was praying that his fever would go down, (it was 102 when we left the house), when we got there an hour later it was back down to 99! Thank goodness.

They checked his counts and found they had dropped even lower but that is normal because he was now off of the GCSF. We were able to go back home where he spent the day nauseas but he didn't throw up again and his fever came all the way down too. Wednesday he was back to his old self, playing with the other kids and happy to be home!

Today he had another check-up and his counts have bounced back up. His platelets are still very low so we have to be careful with that but hopefully they will come up on their own, and very soon. He has another check-up on Tuesday. I am hoping things are even more improved but not enough so that we have to go back to the hospital just yet. He will be admitted to start round three when his ANC is over 1000 and his platelet count is above 50,000. In the meantime it seems that everyone is getting over their sicknesses and we can enjoy being home even more.

Have a great day!

Friday, February 28, 2003 2:37 PM CST

Great news! Ryan's counts have continued to come up each day this week. His ANC started at 8 on Sunday, was 9 on Monday, then went to 16, 22, 33, and finally made a big jump today to 126!!! Hooray! Normally the ANC needs to be above 1000 to safely go home but the doctor has said that since his counts are climbing steadily and everything else is going well (knock wood), they may let him go when it reaches 200. With this in mind I am praying that tomorrow will be the big day. Since Monday, the doctors have taken Ryan off of the last anti-biotic he was on because it is known to keep kids' counts down. It is now two days later and here he is at 126. They put him on Amoxicillin(sp) instead so that he has some preventative coverage against infection and took him off of the Ampho. (anti-fungal med.) altogether. They have also been slowly cutting back on his TPN (liquid nutrients) because he has been eating more and today they stopped it completely. His main staples now are Fritos, pickles and 7-up. I think these may be on the toddler food pyramid too Noelle. ha ha The kids seem to like salty foods after chemo has ended. Either it temporarily changes, or dulls the taste buds. As long as Ryan is getting calories, and lots of them, that is the main thing.
We had a visit from Max and Trish yesterday. Max was Ryan's neighbor up here and is now home for good! Yeay Max!! Thanks for coming over and showing us that there IS light at the end of the tunnel.
That is a big part of why I can't wait for Ryan to go home and have round two officially over. Besides just wanting us to go home and be a family again, going home this time feels like the beginning of the end. Round three is much shorter than the previous two and most everything after that is out-patient.
Thanks again for the encouraging messages! They give us such a boost and always when we really need it.
Love to all,

Monday, February 24, 2003 1:10 PM CST

We're still here! In the hospital of course. Ryan's counts fooled us into thinking that we would be home over the weekend but everything dropped back down to zero again. He was zero-ed out for two days and now yesterday he had an ANC of 8 and today it is 9. We are hopeful but trying not to get too excited this time. Today is day 49 of this round. Nationally, the average stay for this round is 50 days. Hopefully he won't break any long-stay records! Ryan is feeling the best that he has since he came in January 6th! Thursday, the doctors took him off of two of his anti-biotics. He had been on them long enough and it seemed that they were making him sick. By Friday night he was fever and nausea-free and has been since! The doctors have also taken him off of the continuous drip of Zofran (the anti-nausea medication) and reduced his Ampho. (the anti-fungal med.) to Monday, Wednesday and Friday, down from every day. This gives us hope because when they start stripping away the meds it is a sign that they are confident that he'll be going home soon too. Since he isn't on as many medications he can be unhooked from his tubes more often. We are loving that!

Take care and keep praying. Thanks everybody!!

Wednesday, February 19, 2003 1:29 PM CST

Good news! Ryan had an ANC yesterday of 13 and today it is 20! If it keeps going up we should be able to go home for a break very soon! I can really tell that he is feeling better. Yesterday and today the nurse unhooked Ryan from his tubes (and that pesky pole) so that he could play more freely. Boy did he. He started by playing basketball, Chef with the kitchen set, Pac Man, beads etc. and ended with a twenty minute ride around 8th floor on "his" trike. After that we both needed a nap! He is still having fevers and nausea and has quit eating again but his energy level and his mood are both much improved. As long as his ANC keeps going up we can deal with the other stuff at home. That would probably be the best medicine anyway! I added some photos that were taken during today's outing.

Have a great day and keep thinking, "there's no place like home, there's no place like home".

Sunday, February 16, 2003 1:26 PM CST

Hi everybody! Thanks so much for your great messages! Ryan has been having more and more time each day where he is feeling good and is even talkative. That is always a good sign. He is still fighting more of the same, nausea and fevers but not all day long any more. His CRP level is coming down, (an indicator of infections), which tells us that he must have neutrophils in there somewhere. The neutrophils are the infection fighting cells and when he has enough of these, he gets to go home for a visit. We receive a report every morning on where his blood counts are at. As you can imagine we can hardly wait to hear each day if he has at least 1 little neutrophil. Even 1 makes us so happy because it is a start. As of yet we are still at zero. Yesterday Ryan ate a slice of pizza and drank half a can of pop! Before that, a life-saver was all he had eaten in three weeks so we were pretty excited! He is sustained by TPN, liquid nutrients, given intraveneously. The more he can do on his own though the better. Since I last updated the web page he has had two more x-rays and two more CT scans to determine the source of the fevers. Everything has come out normal. The doctors think that the combination of medications he is on, ironically, is what is making him sick. He also had a spinal tap and bone marrow check which came back great. He is still in remission!
When he came back after those tests were done he was pretty uncomfortable so we gave him a dose of morphine. Twenty minutes later he was feeling great and talking my ear off! I was reminded of our good old, "normal" days, of when driving the kids around in the van, I am literally a captive audience to the "why" questions of toddlers and pre-schoolers. Why do you have hair? Why is Tinky-Winky (the teletubbie) purple? It was so nice to be normal again for a little while!

Thanks again everyone for your encouragement and prayers! Ryan's amazing strength and your support are what carry us on this scarey journey. We truly wouldn't be doing as well as we are if it weren't for you! (well, a little morphine helps too) ha ha.

Love to all!

Tueday, February 11, 2003 12:51 AM CST

WOW! Thanks everybody for your well wishes! (I just read the guestbook.) You made my day, and I really needed it!! It has been a few hectic days so we haven't been able to check in. Ryan is feeling good today! He looks better too. You know how moms can just tell. His fevers are still persisting and the nausea but I think it is all slowing down. Last Wednesday I mentioned his upcoming CT scan. It went well but that day was difficult because the doctors were looking for any sign of fungal infection. This was scarey because the doctors can't treat fungal infections. His body's own defenses (which are down to nothing right now)are the only thing that could have helped him. Two specialists put a scope up his nose before the scan but only found a sinus infection. Yeah! The scan showed some patchy stuff in his lungs that they have been keeping an eye on. Since then he has started nebulizer treatments which have helped a lot. He then had another CT scan yesterday (because of the persistant fevers) and his lungs looked much better! So that's where we're at today. Oh, he also had an ANC number yesterday but today it is back down to zero. Hopefully the next time will be it and he'll be able to come home for a visit! Keep praying.

Thanks everyone for the fun things you have sent him. He loves to get mail!

We haven't been able to access the hotmail account for email so if anybody has sent us a note there, I apologize. That's why you haven't heard back. I am going to set up a new one as soon as I can.

Thanks again for your support and prayers!!!!

Thursday, February 6, 2003 2:00 PM CST

Ryan had a better night last night, (no vomiting), Yeah! He has a cold and has had fevers off and on. Tomorrow he is scheduled to have a CT Scan, head to toe, to try to find the source of the infection. Still no ANC today. We're bummed about that because the days are getting long. I'm sure we'll see something soon though. Then it's home for a week or so before he starts round three!

The benefit Sunday was so nice! When we walked into the room that night we were overwhelmed by the show of support. Thank you everyone for coming and to our family and friends who worked so hard to put it on. Special thanks to Bug & Emily too for staying with Ryan so that Jeff and I could both attend. I hope everyone had a nice time (and went home with lots of goodies)!

Please continue to pray for Ryan.

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