History

Thursday, October 29, 2009 9:51 AM CDT

Happy Birthday McKenna!!!

Twelve years ago today, you were born at 4:09 pm, one week ahead of your November 5th due date. You weighed 6 lbs, 8oz's and were absolutely perfect. You were healthy, beautiful and so so sweet. I was so happy to have a little baby girl to add to our perfect family. You were everything we could have wished for and so much more. I remember holding you for the first time,looking into your beautiful baby face, kissing your tiny little nose, fingers and cheeks. I remember feeling the soft hair on your head and holding you close to smell your perfect baby girl scent. I will never forget how perfect you were and how happy we were to have you in our lives. We were so ready to love you forever and live happily ever after. Little did we know that you were going to change our lives so dramatically, showing us and teaching us things we would have never dreamed of or imagined. You were an amazing gift and I will always feel so blessed to have been your mother.

I'll never forget the day that you were diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It was the worst day of my life up to that point. You were 2, Kalen was 3 1/2 and your little sister, Jadyn was just 3 months old. There we were, sitting in your hospital room when the call came at noon on March 6, 2000. I left you sitting on your bed to take the call from Dr. Sexton. I watched you from the other side of the room while I heard the words that would devastate us and change our lives forever. "Mrs. Johnson, are you sitting down?" "Is anybody else there with you?" "McKenna has cancer". NO!!!!!

Over the next few days, months and years, you went on to amaze us as you fought cancer and overcame so many hurdles, obstacles and close calls..always coming out on top. Chemo, radiation, bone marrow tranpslants, surgeries, procedures, hospital stays, spinal taps, doctor visits, needle pokes and so much more. The journey was so difficult for you, but you were always so happy, loving and positive throughout it all. You were so brave and strong and everybody loved you and knew that you were special. Nothing was going to get in your way of living a great life, full of love and fun, and always surrounded by good friends and your loving family. I'm so glad you had it all!! I'm so grateful for all you got to do and see.

Two years ago today, at noon, we said "goodbye" to you. It was your 10th birthday and you were so sick and struggling for each breath. I remember asking you if you were scared and all you could say was "No." And you meant it. We told you we would be there when you woke up and not to worry about your new puppy, Emmie. We told you how much we loved you and would be right there with you. We told you we'd be waiting for you to get better. I'll never forget how you were lying there, curled up on your side, gripping your oxygen mask. The oxygen mask over your face, blood coming out of your nose and having you almost beg for them to put you to sleep so they could get the ventilator to breathe for you. You were desperate, suffering and struggling. This is why I still cry so often for you, my sweet little girl. These horrible images and thoughts of you during these tense moments and the next month, are what haunts me now. Almost every night, I wake up and squeeze the tears out of the corners of my eyes and try to forget the pain of seeing you like that. Lying in that hospital bed, motionless with endless tubes coming out of every part of your body, machines, beeps and sounds filling every corner of your hospital room, nurses and doctors hovering over you constantly poking and prodding you. Day after day after day. I just pray that the medications that were flowing through those tubes were strong enough so that you didn't feel a thing. I pray that you could hear your favorite CD's playing, softly. I pray that you were dreaming of happy things and beautiful places surrounded by everybody you loved. I pray that the angels were already dancing around your room, watching you, holding you and loving you as they lured you away from this horror on earth, little by little. I wish I could have gone with you, holding your hand, as you flew to heaven. I pray you knew that your family was there, holding you and loving you here on earth, as your pink angel wings carried your brave, sweet little soul to heaven.

I could type and type forever about you and all that you went through. I could write forever about the kind of person you were and how much we all loved you. I could literally sit here forever and tell my stories of you and the funny things that you said and did. There is so much to tell and there is so much that I want to share with everybody about how special and amazing you were. I'll be telling the story of you for the rest of my life. In your honor, we will continue to do all we can to find a cure for childhood cancer. I think you would be proud of us for all that we have done so far and will continue to do.

Happy Birthday beautiful girl! I hope you are celebrating and having a HUGE birthday party in heaven. I'll be visiting you shortly and will leave you something pink and shiny! I hope you can see it from heaven and feel the hugs and kisses I'm sending your way. Your family loves and misses you Kenna Girl. We can't wait to see you again and laugh with you as you show us all that you've learned in heaven.

I miss you with all my heart.
Love,
Mom

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 8:19 PM CDT

It has been over a month since I've updated this journal...but trust me, not a single day has gone by when I wasn't reliving my time with McKenna or revisiting some of the most awesome memories with her! Every day...

Over the last month and a half, we did a lot in her memory. Our Miles for McKenna team raised an amazing 39K for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society through the Team in Training program. Then on June 25th, we traveled with the rest of the Minnesota team, to Seattle. We ran our race on Saturday, June 27th under the best of conditions. The weather was absolutely perfect. The race was not easy however, due to all the hills in Seattle! Ouch! I do have something really awesome to tell you!! At about mile 7 or 8, we came to a spot on the course that was alongside a beautiful lake. There, on a low branch, in one of the trees close to the course, was a huge, beautiful bald eagle...just sitting there watching all of us run. I took pictures of it like everybody else, but in my heart and in my mind, I knew it was a sign from McKenna, that she was there with us, helping us along. I smiled, then cried a little...what a beautiful, thoughtful thing for her to do! Then at about mile 11, as we were running across a huge bridge overpass, which was also at an incline (YUCK), another bald eagle flew low, over us as we ran. Again...I just smiled..and cried, knowing it was my beautiful angel girl, letting us know she was watching over us. It was an awesome moment.

The rest of the trip was also amazing and we spent 4 days in Seattle with our TNT friends, then Scott, myself and our friend Christine, rented a car and drove to Vancouver. What a beautiful drive that was! We stayed in Vancouver for 2 nights and then drove back to Seattle to catch our flight home. It was a GREAT trip and a wonderful way to honor our little girl.

We are already committing to another year with TNT...my 3rd and Scott's 2nd. We are planning on doing the San Diego Rock N Roll Marathon next year, on June 6, 2010. Everyone should sign up and join us!! Actually, you can't sign up for a few more months, so I'll remind you again when it's open!

Thank you everybody for the all the love and support you continue to shower upon our family. Thanks also for loving McKenna and for continuing to let her inspire you. I am so proud of her for everything...and for the way she has been able to inspire people all over the world. She is simply AMAZING!

I love and miss her so much.
Krista

Saturday, June 6, 2009 4:48 PM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KALEN!!!

McKenna would be so proud of her big brother today. It's his 13th birthday. I'm sure she would have been the first in line to give him his spankings! Then she'd probably proceed to bug and annoy him until he was forced to tackle her to the ground and sit on top of her for a while. I wish she were here to celebrate with us!

Wow! Thank you so much for all the guestbook entries over the last month. As I read through them, tears were pouring down my face. Just knowing that you all "get it" and understand our grief and pain like you do, makes me feel so loved and supported. It also lets me know that you ALL still think of McKenna, and to me, her mother, that is the most important thing in the world. I want her to "live" forever! At least in peoples hearts and minds. Thank you for allowing her to "live on" in yours!

This journal entry is going to be short. I just wanted to share a few of my thoughts on this particular day, another "bittersweet" moment, as McKenna's big brother turns 13, with one sister missing from the party. :(

Hug and love your kids...they are such a precious gift!
Krista

Friday, May 1, 2009 10:52 PM CDT

Although it's been a while since I've been here to update the page, it doesn't mean that I don't come here just about every day, to read past joural entries and remember our sweet girl. Every day, I take time to think about her and miss her stubborn, spirited attitude. I just read back to the beginning, paying special attention to all the May updates since 2001.

May of 2001...she was still going through her original chemo treatments. We were still learning so much and McKenna and I were learning what we could get away with at the clinic and during the hospital stays, what nurses to ask for, and what doctors were nice. What medicines did what and what side effects she would have from them. How to feed all the fish in the various aquariams in the St. Paul Children's Hospital and which ones liked the frozen shrimp or the fish flakes. Little did we know that we would be old pros at it all in just a few months. We were all so innocent and naive, believing in cures and miracles.

May of 2002...she was in remission after her 1st bone marrow transplant in December of 01. We were still so grateful for every day and not yet taking our days and time with her for granted. We were very aware of all the other children who were not as lucky and who were struggling for life...and grieving for those who had passed away. We were still so closely tied to all the kids we had been going through treatment with. Each death saddened us and taught us how blessed we were to still have each other to love. We were so LUCKY!!!

May of 2003...I have to believe we were still aware of the other sick kids and those who were still fighting and suffering...but life had gotten back to "normal". "Normal" was all we could ever hope, pray, beg or ask for. It was so great to be "normal". We were so "normal" that there wasn't even a journal entry in May of 2003. I think back now, with a smile and with happy tears, and know that McKenna was COMPLETELY healthy and happy in 2003 and a few more years to follow. We had moved on...thinking that she was "cured". She was in Kindergarten, loving life, loving school, loving her teacher, loving her friends, loving life, loving her family, loving being healthy. And we loved her too...more then I could ever explain to you here. We loved her so much....and were so proud of her for so many reasons. For fighting and beating cancer. For being so smart and so sweet. For being so compassionate and caring to others....and on and on and on. She never stopped amazing us!

May 2004...I was feeling very nostalgic and very grateful and blessed. I was feeling a little bit of "Survivor Guilt" by then, as we had experienced the painful loss of so many of our young friends. I couldn't fathom the pain and grief that those parents and families were feeling, havivng to say a "forever" goodbye to their precious children. I wrote often in May of 2004, asking for prayers for our friends still fighting. During those days, we spent time at the cabin with our kids doing "normal" family things. We fished, rode 4-wheelers and took our kids for boat rides...we did everything that "normal" families were doing and felt grateful for every waking moment we spent away from the terror of cancer.

May 2005....we had a scare. McKenna had an enlarged lymph node behind her ear that was biopsied and came back positive for lymphoma cells. Devastation...time standing still...pain like I had never known set in. Over a week of this hell...and then poof!...just like that, we were told it was a mistake. The slides were sent to some pathologist out east and that doctor said it wasn't cancer. We were so relieved...yet so shaken that we could never sleep through the night again. At least I couldn't. Never would I take anything for granted ever again! (in hindsight, I wonder if those cells weren't really lymphoma cells after all? What if she would have received chemo then? What if we could have gotten her back into remission then....what if?)

May 2006...again nothing. No posts. Boring and Normal. The two words you dream about!!! That was us in 2006...That was McKenna. And don't forget to add HEALTHY!!!

May of 2007...Cancer really does suck! It has found a way back into McKenna and it is slowly taking her life. She has been getting chemo and radiation to a tumor in her right lung since February and she will have 2/3rds of her right lung removed in just a couple of weeks. Cancer has come back into her life and ours like a freight train. We hate it. We fear it. We know that the odds are against her survival this time..we know that her body will forever be marred and made barren by the chemo, surgeries and radiation...but we don't share this with her. We only praise her for being so strong and brave...for fighting and staying positive....for still loving and believing in miracles. She was our hero...our daughter...our universe. We watched in agony as she suffered and fought. We wished with every heartbeat that we could take her cancer from her and bare the effects of all the drugs and treatments. We went to bed every night, soaking our pillows with tears, wondering why her? Why couldn't it be one of us?

May of 2008...we have been missing our girl since November 27, 2007. Nothing is the same. Nothing makes us happy. Nothing will ever taste as good, be as fun, or make us laugh like we used to, ever again. We had it all...now it's all gone. We still have each other, Kalen, Jadyn, Scott and I, but our family has been torn apart and a very important part is missing leaving a void as big as the Grand Canyon in our lives. The part that used to hold us together...is gone. Our middle child, the "Drama Queen", Princess, Boo Boo, Boo Boo McFoo, Kenna Girl...is gone. How will we live without her? How can we go on?

May 2009...1 and 1/2 years from her journey to Heaven...We still miss her every single day. Life is still not as good as it used to be and I still don't feel that it will ever be that great again. I feel like I have become more cynical and more critical...less ambitious and less focused. I still feel lost without her sometimes. Our lives are much quieter and less joyful. I think about her all the time and wish I could see her, hug her, kiss her, talk to her, smell her, touch her, hear her laugh, brush her hair, rub lotion on her skin, sleep in her bed, feel her breath on my cheek, listen to her sing, listen for her footsteps coming down the hall, hear her voice, play cards at the kitchen table with her, watch her play with our puppies, and everything else that I loved to do when she was alive. I would give anything for just a moment to hold her and tell her how much I love her.

Kalen and Jadyn are missing their sister. They talk about her ALL the time and often look at pictures of them all together...remembering the great times they had. They will never forget her. We are so grateful for them and for their "health". We know we are still blessed. Scott and I....we are still getting through the pain and grief that a year and a half of loss has brought us. Thank God we still have each other to lean on.

Hug and love your children...tomorrow is a gift.

Sunday, March 29, 2009 10:39 AM CDT

A lot has happened over the past few months...but nothing has changed. We are still here missing our McKenna Girl and will be for the rest of our lives. Every day is just another day without our daughter and that sucks!

Update on the family: I had surgery for a herniated disc on February 17th. It came out of nowhere without any major injuries or accidents. I woke up in the middle of the night in extreme pain in my neck and down my left shoulder and arm. I now have a plate and 4 screws in my neck! Then Jadyn broke her arm on March 21st. She actually broke both bones in her left arm just above her wrist. She has surgery last Thursday to set the bones. She is now in a full arm cast and will be for the next 4 weeks until she gets a smaller cast. The Johnson curse seems to continue! I'm just hoping and praying that Scott and Kalen can stay out of the ER and hospital this year!

Scott and I signed up to run a 1/2 marathon in Seattle this year with Team in Training. It's the first ever, Rock N Roll Seattle Marathon and we are so excited to get there and do it! There's supposed to be a ton of bands along the course and we are still waiting to hear who the headliner is going to be. Scott's been keeping up with the training and is now up to 8 miles! Because of my surgery, I'm just starting out again and am still running only 4...I gotta' hurry and catch up! Our Miles for McKenna team has 12 members this year and we are going to raise over 45K for Leukemia, Lymphoma and Myeloma research. Do we rock or what???

This Friday, our team had a fund-raiser Beer Bust at a local bar. We had a great turnout with many family, friends and co-workers. THANK YOU to everybody who came! The pictures from the event are posted on FaceBook....log on and find me so you can see how much fun it was! At the event, McKenna's best friends, Maddie and Annika were there. It is always so great to see them and give them hugs. This time though, while talking to both of their moms, I just had this sudden urge to tell them how much I loved to see them. I got all teary...just imagining McKenna running around with them with her arms looped through theirs. She would have been dancing with Maddie all night for sure! As sweet as it is to see them and be with them, it is also one of those "bittersweets" that I've come to know and live with.

Annika wrote a poem that I'm going to share here. I read it this Friday and was so amazed at the realization that these young girls will remember McKenna and carry her with them for the rest of their lives. She will never be forgotten and they will tell her story forever...just as I will. I love you girls and McKenna will always be with you!

McKenna's Passing

As I sat by the computer,
Waiting for the good news that
McKenna would stay with us just
A little bit longer, we found out
She wouldn't be with us at all.
Depression suddenly filled the air.
Tears poured out of my eyes like raindrops, creating a puddle at my feet.
The sunny, colorful world I was in turned into a dark
Gray world of misery. The world felt so empty.
There once were laughs and now there were tears. I felt like a hermit crab, stuck in my shell: cold, alone and sad. I felt like an ant that's been stepped on all over.
I felt like the world was ending. I now know there is a new beautiful angel in heaven smiling down at me.

Annika W. 11 yo (McKenna's friend)

Annika and McKenna were born on the same day, in the same hospital. McKenna used to tell everybody that they had laid together in the nursery.

PLEASE go to www.milesformckenna.com to find out about our upcoming team fund-raising events. Also, if you haven't already, please click on "How to Help" and donate to one of our team members sites...even if it's just $5 or $10 dollars..we are trying to END leukemia and lymphoma. HELP!!

Hugs to all your beautiful children,
Krista

Monday, January 26, 2009 7:16 PM CST

McKenna continues to inspire so many! Two weeks ago, I was able to share her story at a Team In Training recruiting meeting. In which, to my surprise, Chad and Janet Banken were at! We met Chad and Janet through HopeKids when both of our kids were fighting their cancers. They joined TNT and so did Scott and I, and we'll be running the Rock N Roll 1/2 Marathon in Seattle, WA on June 27th!!! The Miles for McKenna team is back BIGGER and BETTER than ever. So far we are 9 people strong....Chad and Janet are planning on starting their own special team for Chase, their son, who also happens to be the cutest little boy on earth! So I can't wait to hear how many recruits they bring on. Or maybe we'll join forces....we'll talk! I just got an email from Janet today informing me that she was called by the National Marrow Donor Program and it turns out that she is a match! She'll be donating her bone marrow sometime in
Februrary for a 17 year old girl who's in need. Way to go Janet! What a beautiful thing to happen and I'm so proud of you girl!!! YEAH!!! visit their site at www.caringbridge.org/visit/chasebanken

Today, I shared McKenna's story at the Chaska Middle School West's Pennies for Patients Kickoff Rally. Last year they were the #1 school in our state and #3 overall in the country for raising the most dollars for the LLS program. Dave Ryan (from the KDWB Morning Show) hosted the event and Kim Thaemert and Brandon Legg were there to share their story. Brandon had a rare form of Leukemia and went through a Bone Marrow Tranpslant at the UofM...just like McKenna. He's also the same age as McKenna, 11...his birthday is October 13th and Kenna's was the 29th....so she would also be 11. It was amazing to hear Kim tell his story. Brandon is only one out of eleven people in the WORLD who has been diagnosed with his type of Leukemia. He was the eleventh...EVER! He was there today, and looked so healthy! He is truly a miracle!www.caringbridge.org/visit/brandonlegg

Then I got up to speak and tell McKenna's story. Obviously, ours is not a happy one, but still needs to be told. Scott, Jadyn and I, stood in front of 1,100 students and the entire staff to talk about McKenna and to thank them for raising money for the LLS. I was a mess...I tried so hard not to cry but I can't help but get teary when I'm talking about our girl and all that she went through. It's still so painful to remember her pain and suffering. Even now. I don't think it will ever be easy..but I'm hoping that God will give me the strength someday to at least speak to large groups like that and be able to tell her story without tears. I really want to tell her story...so that others can get a sense of what our little girl was like and how awesome she was. I want to inspire others to fight cancer, just as we are. I want to continue to make a difference...for her and for all the other kids and loved ones out there still fighting. Cancer sucks!

After I spoke, Kenechi Udeze was introduced. He was AMAZING and inspiring and I now have a new hero! As many of you Minnesotan's and football fans may know, Kenechi was a number one draft pick for the Minnesota Vikings a few years back and played with them until he was diagnosed with Leukemia last year. He underwent chemo and had a BMT in July of 08, thanks to his identical matching brother. Tomorrow he is having his 6-month post BMT checkup which includes a bone marrow biopsy, a spinal tap and scans...so please say a prayer for him and his family tonight!! His wife Terica and daughter Bailey are in town with him to support him through this next hurdle. They seem to have a lot of love, faith and strength...but of course prayers from all over the world will help him too! At the end of the rally, we got to watch Kenechi be interviewed by members of the press, as he was signing t-shirts for the kids at the school...and for us! He is such a great great guy..I can't even tell you how nice he is! His wife was there too and little Bailey, 16 mo's old, was playing and keeping us all entertained. What a little cutie!

I'm positive that Kenechi will be back playing with the Vikings next season! I'll probably cry when I hear the announcement for him to be on the starting lineup. What an awesome miracle THAT will be! Go Kenechi!

WELL--anyway...Amazing things continue to happen in our lives and McKenna continues to inspire! I miss her like crazy but am so glad that more and more people are learning about our precious girl and her brave little soul. She was so awesome! I know she's healthy in heaven, safe in Jesus' arms, as beautiful as ever, and spreading her love around heaven like glitter! Love you little girl!

Here's our TNT fund raising pages in case you are feeling "inspired"! ;)

http://pages.teamintraining.org/mn/rnrseatl09/kjohnsojpj

http://pages.teamintraining.org/mn/rnrseatl09/sjohnso8lz

Thank you for all the support that you continue to shower upon us. We are so blessed!

Krista

Wednesday, January 14, 2009 5:21 PM CST

I have not been here to write in a long time. I received a FB message from Kaitlin McKinley, Maddy's older sister and I would like to post what she wrote here. Yes. I am in tears...

Hi Krista.
I was going through some old essays on my computer, trying to find a syllabus for an english class I took a year ago, and I came across an essay that I thought you might like to read. The prompt for the essay was this: Discuss some piece of writing that has had a profound effect on you. Spend only a small amount of space summarizing it. Spend much more space on why the writing is so memorable to you. What makes it so powerful, so good?
I wrote this essay on April 21, 2008.

"It Hits Home"

I check an online blog anywhere from one to five times a day. I read what people have to say about their life, their struggles, their thoughts or anything they feel like sharing. I look through their pictures. I read other peoples comments in the guestbook. I feel connected to thousands of people who are genuinely interested in what someone has to say. I am not talking about Facebook or MySpace, two very popular blogs on the internet. The blog I am talking about is CaringBridge. This site is about love and support, and it is about connecting people to one another when they need it most. The blogs I read in particular on CaringBridge are written by mothers who have children diagnosed with cancer.
Having a little sister with cancer is what led my family to these journals. My mom found this website several years ago and became friends with other mothers who were sharing her painful journey. She became close friends with a woman named Krista whose daughter had the same cancer that my little sister, Maddy, has. She has a CaringBridge page for her daughter, McKenna. Over the years, our families corresponded on the internet.
About a year ago, my family drove to Minnesota to surprise Krista, McKenna, and their family at a benefit for McKenna. It was the first time we had met in person and it was very emotional. We shared such a close bond and it didn't matter that we had never met in person; we had been following their story online from the very beginning. We aren't the only people who follow their story. Anyone is welcome to sign onto CaringBridge and hundreds of people do.
Anyone who pulls up the McKenna Johnson page can see a beautiful little girl standing on a boat in the middle of a very blue lake on a gorgeous summer day. She has a sweet smile that draws you in. She's wearing a brown shirt that says, "1. I want it. 2. You buy it for me. Any questions?" McKenna was a princess with spunk and her sassy attitude only made her that much more endearing.
I believe McKenna is still audacious, but now she is an angel, having lost her brave battle to cancer five months ago. On each side of the blog page there are angels praying. Every time I see them, I think of McKenna with torn feelings. I feel the painful loss of a beautiful child, both inside and out, taken way too soon from this world and her family who loved her so dearly, but I also take comfort in knowing that she is no longer suffering.
Her mom, Krista, used to write every day when Kenna was alive to keep everyone who was so worried about Kenna updated. Now that she has gone to heaven, Krista writes every so often to let her faithful readers know how they are struggling through each day without their princess.
Her writing is heartbreaking.
Before McKenna left us, I cried over Krista's description of McKenna's painful suffering, and now I cry when she describes the pain they are feeling over her loss.
There's something so raw about McKenna's family's pain that your heart just breaks at their loss, at the world's loss. It's so difficult to read how they are living without sweet McKenna, yet you can't help but read it. You want to know how they are doing, what they are thinking, if things are getting any easier for them. Sometimes it seems unreal, and I wonder how they wake up each day and still function. I am overwhelmed with sadness every time I read the blog.
Reading the journal every day for such a long period of time gives you this feeling of knowing McKenna, even if it is just through her mom's words online. The writing makes you feel as though you are taking a small ride on the Johnson's emotional rollercoaster that is their family life because they have been forced to deal with this awful disease and its devastating effects.
Three months after McKenna went to heaven, Krista wrote, "Three months.... ONLY THREE MONTHS!! Her sweet voice still answers our phone on our answering machine. Hearing her say all of our names is the sweetest thing in the world. We plan on leaving it on our phone forever. I can't bear to think that our memories of her will fade... that we may forget some of her silly quirks and behaviors... that we could possibly forget the sound of her laugh or the sound of her footsteps coming down the hall.."
I read this and can't help but cry. I think of how Maddy's voice is on our family's answering machine, and I think of how much I love hearing it every time I leave a message. I know that I am lucky and I can hear her voice whenever I want to, and I cannot imagine not hearing it anywhere except on our answering machine. I understand how that voice recording can be one of the most precious gifts they have of McKenna.
Two months after McKenna lost her battle, Krista wrote, "McKenna Girl, I miss you. To hear one more 'I love you Mommy' would be enough to last me the rest of my life. ONE MORE TIME. I won't ask WHY you were taken from us. I understand that you deserved to go to Heaven after all you'd been through. But sometimes I still want to SCREAM WHY? WHY YOU? Why not me? And I just wish somebody could give me an answer that makes sense. I would have given ANYTHING to take your place in this world, and endure the hell that you went through, over and over again with your cancer treatments. I would have gladly taken your place, and taken your pain from you."
I can't read that passage without crying, even now in this paper. It's been three months since Krista wrote it and my eyes still fill with tears. I can't explain to someone who has not been in this situation how often I truly think about why Maddy had to be diagnosed with cancer. I can't tell you how many times I wished it was me instead of her, even though I am immensely afraid of needles. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've wondered when I will ever get an answer that will suffice for the question of why this has to happen to innocent children. This passage that Krista writes hits me so hard, just like so many of her other passages. Because my little sister has the same cancer McKenna had, I have imagined the worst, while always hoping for the best.
In a way, it's like Krista's pain is my worst nightmare.
Reading the journal is something that stays with me. I think about the words long after I've signed off the internet. I say a prayer for their family every night with the words from the journal still fresh in my mind, praying that they feel some small relief from their immense grief.
The power of the writing lies in the raw emotions. There's no trying to pretend that things are okay and they are moving on. It's about being honest about how completely awful and unfair the whole situation is. I can't read the journal and not feel sad for their loss. Every time I read it, my heart breaks for McKenna, her family, and all other families afflicted with childhood cancer.
Some might not understand why I put myself through this mental anguish to the point where it feels like my heart is literally breaking for McKenna and every other innocent, brave child who is forced to suffer, but the answer is simple; I feel that this family needs support in their time of need, and that the support cannot end when the battle is lost because that is when it becomes harder than we ever thought possible.
This journal is reaffirmation that I am not alone. Millions of families live with the nightmare that is cancer. The only people who can truly understand are those who know what cancer is like first-hand, and that is why we have to support each other. Thank God I do not know first-hand the pain of losing Maddy, and I pray every night that I never will, but I have imagined it so many times that I can sympathize in a way that feels real.
The most heartbreaking thing is when I go to the Johnson page and sometimes I look at McKenna and I see Maddy's face, and I can remember everything I've read and imagine my own family experiencing that.

I meant to share this with you a long time ago, but for some reason I never sent it. I hope you don't mind that I am sending this to you now. I still pray for you and your family every night, and I pray for McKenna, too. I pray that she knows how dearly she is loved and missed.

Sincerely,
-Kaitlin

Friday, December 19, 2008 9:50 PM CST

McKenna,
I have to tell you how naughty your dog Emmie is. Every day she poops in the house! We have recently started putting all three dogs down in the basement, in the storage room, locked up, because of your Emmie Foo. However, everyday when Kalen gets home from school, your Emmie is loose in the house, with a fresh pile somewhere! She's the only one who has figured out a way to escape and no matter what obstacles we try to place in her way, she still manages to find a way out. EVERY DAY!

She also likes to chew up everything! She chews up the leaves on all of our plants that are in pots on the floor. All of their leaves on the bottoms are all shredded and torn up. She just chewed up Jadyn's yearbook from last year, the one that you are featured in, "In loving memory of". Thank goodness we have another copy that we bought, to put somewhere safe, to remember you!

She snores when she sleeps! Last night, she slept with Mommy and Daddy and she kept snoring all night long and I couldn't sleep at all!!! One night when she slept with us, she got off the bed in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom right in front of our bathroom door. In the middle of the night, I got up to go potty and guess what????? Yep! I stepped in a fresh pile in the dark. GROSS!!! OMG, I thought I was going to throw up as I washed the stuff out from between my toes!!!

Yes, she still likes to lick Daddy's pillow! I'm sure that makes you VERY happy and I can hear your laughter from Heaven all the way down here. Daddy used to torment you and say he was going to lick your pillow...or fart on it or something like that. I think he used to say something like that to you at least once a week. You would run screaming through the house, chasing after him crying, livid that he would dare do something like that to you! (Of course he was only kidding and teasing you!) But to actually see Emmie, rear legs sprawled out behind her, laying on her belly on our bed, licking Dad's pillow like that, makes me laugh and wonder, "How did McKenna know?"

Oh Kenna, as naughty as Emmie is, we love her. The last thing I told you before they gave you the sleepy meds to put the tube down your throat, was, "Don't worry about Emmie, we'll take good care of her." You nodded your head and trusted me, as you always did. You always belived me.... I will never let you down Baby Girl. As naughty as Emmie is, we love her and she will be with us until the day she joins you in Heaven. She will be reminding us of you and how you picked her out, out of all the other puppies that day, and loved her for those 2 short weeks that you had with her. We cherish her today and will always forgive her for her "mistakes" because she is such a sweet, sweet puppy and so darn cute! You definitely knew about her and knew how she would be the center of our attention. You knew we would need her and love her when you were gone. You were always so wise and so beyond your years...such a brave, smart little girl with so much faith, hope and spirit.

We love you and miss you with every beat of our hearts little girl. Say hi to all of our friends and family up there for us! I hope you can feel the hugs and kisses that I'm wishing I could give you!

Love,
Mommy

PS. Emmie eats her poop too. YUCK!!!

Saturday, December 6, 2008 7:02 PM CST

The trip to Playa Del Carmen was awesome. We definitely enjoyed the 80 degree days and had non-stop sunshine while we were there. We are all tan from spending many hours on the beach and swimming in the ocean. I wish we could all go back and stay a little longer! Reality is not so great! It's cold here in Minnesota and this morning we had to shovel the driveway. YUCK!

On Thursday, the 27th, Don and Mary went parasailing. I stayed on the beach and took pictures of the momentous occasion with tears streaming down my cheeks. I knew that everything was happening because of McKenna. Don and Mary have been married for over 40 years and this was the first time they had been to Mexico and also the first time they had gone parasailing..and they did it together. I have lots of pictures posted on my FaceBook page and one is of them, high up in the sky, holding hands. It was really special and I was happy to be there to witness it with the family. McKenna would have been so happy to see them doing that together.

There were many beautiful pink clouds and sunsets. So many of you had posted your hopes for us to see them and I just wanted you to know that we had lots of PINK reminders in Mexico. Even the many PINK flowers and plants were reminders to us of our beautiful girl. Every day we thought of her and wished she was with us, physically. But with all the vivid PINK reminders, we knew she was with us in spirit. She will always be, wherever we go.

I want you all to know that I am not going to be updating this journal very often from now on. I have told McKenna's story and I have shared her entire journey through cancer with all of you since the beginning. I am starting to find it very difficult to come here. Every time I do, I get sad and depressed and I miss her immensely. The pain of losing her will never go away, but it seems that coming here and telling everybody how sad I still am, just makes it worse. We are still living with the grief of losing a daughter, a sister and the love she shared with all of us. We also know that she is no longer suffering or having to go through the horrors of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. Instead, she is forever healthy and happily awaiting us in Heaven.

For all the families out there still fighting cancer and for those who are destined to travel that road, I will be praying for you all. Stay strong and know that Angel McKenna and many others are watching over you. Here on earth, we'll be doing all we can for the rest of our lives to fight back and help to find cures for others. I pray that we can make a difference and continue to honor our sweet girl, McKenna.

Thank you so much for everything along the way. This journal has been my lifeline through it all. If you are still wanting to keep up with us, please join me in FaceBook land. Find me and add me to your friend list. I have so many photo albums already there that I'd love to share with you!

Love you all and wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a happy, HEALTHY New Year. Hug your kids and tell them how much you love them...again and again. Their love is EVERYTHING.

Love,
Krista

Saturday, December 6, 2008 7:02 PM CST

Sunday, November 23, 2008 7:51 PM CST

This Thursday, on the one-year anniversary of McKenna's death, the Johnson's will all be together in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico. We are excited to leave in the morning, but of course, it's another "bittersweet" event in this year of "bittersweets". I plan on parasailing that day..something I have never done before. I want to do it for McKenna and pray that she will be with me for the ride.

Kalen and Jadyn are so excited to go on this trip. Our niece and nephew, Brittney and Bruce are coming too, and Don and Mary. I can't wait to take the kids snorkeling in Cozumel. We'll see about swimming with the dolphins too....that would definitely be something the kids would remember forever.

I won't be posting on the 27th since we are going down there computer-less. We will definitely be remembering our girl and missing her in Mexico. We'll be writing her name on every beach we visit and we'll be feeling her presence with every beautiful pink sunrise and sunset over the ocean.

Thank you for all the love and support to our family, especially over the last year. I can't believe we made it. I am so grateful for all of our friends, family, and CaringBridge followers and prayer warriors.

Pray for all the children still fighting.

McKenna,
We love you and miss you sweet girl! We wish you were here with us tonight, hanging out with the family and packing for our trip tomorrow. I would love to see your cute little face and the excitement in your eyes. So much has changed since you went to Heaven. Our hearts are still broken and we miss you every single moment. I wish we knew then, what we know now. You'll never be forgotten baby girl. I can't wait to see you again in Heaven.

Lov, Mommy and Daddy

Monday, November 17, 2008 12:04 AM CST

Sorry for the long wait on a new post. I think of McKenna every waking second and often think about coming here and updating the journal, but unfortunately, the story just doesn't change. It's been almost a year without our girl and we are still trying to figure out how to live this new life without her. And none of us like it!

I wish I could tell you that things have gotten easier..especially for those who may have recently lost a child, however, it doesn't get any easier. The gut-wrenching pain and grief that can literally bring you to your knees, comes less frequently, but it is still there, lurking and waiting to escape when you least expect it. It could happen at the grocery store, standing in line, watching a little girl cling to her mommmy's leg, and then she peaks around to look at you with a smile. It could happen when you are driving and a favorite song comes on the radio and you can remember her voice, singing off-key at the top of her lungs. It can happen at home in front of the TV when you are flipping through channels and come across a movie that she used to love, like; "Sweet Home Alabama", "Legally Blonde", "Matilda" and so many more. It could happen while you are looking in her closet and imagining her cute little body in all the cute clothes that still hang there. We are still missing her and feeling the pain of our loss, every day.

Yesterday, November 16th, was the 27th anniversary of McKenna's uncle Brian's death. (Scott's Brother) Brian was 16 years old when he died from Leukemia at the U of M. He'd be 43 years old now. McKenna lies next to him at the cemetary...where she used to visit her Uncle Brian and cry for him and talk to him. She loved him, even though she had never met him. She felt close to him, probably because of all that she had gone through as a small child, diagnosed with cancer and going through all the treatments. I'm glad she's there with him now, her beloved uncle, and I know they are together in Heaven smiling down on all of us today. I can't wait to see them someday!

Please pray for all those affected by Childhood Cancer.
Love Krista

PS. Mary is selling Pink Ribbon Magnets with McKenna's picture on them. She is raising money to buy Christmas presents for the sick kids at the U of M BMT ward and at the St. Paul Children's Hospital 4th floor. These are places that McKenna spent a lot of time at! This is something that McKenna and our family has proudly done ever since spending Christmas in the BMT ward back in 2001. Last year, we were too stricken with the grief of losing her to do it. But this year we are ready and feel it's right to continue the tradition in McKenna's honor. If you are interested in buying a magnet..please email Mary at:
maryjohnson861@msn.com
or call her at 763-421-8803

Thursday, November 6, 2008 7:06 AM CST

McKenna's gravestone has finally arrived and was placed last Friday. It is so beautiful and perfect for our sweet little girl. There is a beautiful picture of Kenna, a princess tiara, a shih-tzu with Emmie's name on it, a picture of a pretty lake, and the caption: "Fly, Sing, and Dance with the Angels" on the front. On the back there is a little girl catching butterflies and it says, "We miss you Boo Boo." It came two days after her birthday. What a beautiful birthday present for our girl. Seeing it for the first time was hard, but I'm so relieved that she finally has a grave marker and that everybody can visit her and see her beautiful picture. It's a major piece of "Bling" for our princess! I'm sure she loves it. Remember if you visit her, that the stone is actually placed at her feet, due to another grave's headstone being so close to Kenna's grave. So if you are going to talk to her, don't talk to her feet! Or do it and I'm sure she'll be laughing at you in Heaven!

I just read through some guestbook entries and am still so amazed at how much McKenna has changed our world. Stephanie, Regina, both Maddy's, Steph, Ruth, Teri, Glenn...thank you so much for letting us know how much McKenna meant to you and how she has made a difference in your lives. That is one of the reasons why I still keep this journal. I'm afraid that if I stop, her memory will fade. I want her to live forever in our hearts and I want everyone to think of her with the same pride and love that I feel for her. Thank you for continuing to remind me of all the ways she has touched you and made your lives better. There is nothing I can be more proud of than that.

For all of you who have said, "Krista, you should write a book", I want you all to know that I will try. Reading and writing has always been something that I've loved and if I could write something that people would actually want to read, well then..why not??? My sweet angel McKenna has taught me that I can do ANYTHING! I know that she will help me to write the words and that she would be so proud of her Mommy! Thank you McKenna Girl!

I would like to take a moment to remind you all that there are so many other children fighting cancer at this very moment. Many of them we have gotten to know, through McKenna's 7 1/2 years of doctor visits and treatments. Please pray for those still fighting and for those who have already become angels. They are all so brave and beautiful and their parents are all so strong and courageous as they help their children fight for their lives, or lay their sweet children to rest. They are all heroes.

Love your kids, friends and family and give lots of hugs!
Krista

PS. That's Dylan Gardner in the photo. He is doing well and getting better and better! Please visit his website and send the Gardner's some love! www.caringbridge.org/visit/dylangardner

Thursday, October 30, 2008 8:59 PM CDT

Yesterday was another "first" without our daughter and another milestone passed in this "first" year without her. I have been uplifted by all the guestbook entries here on this site and also by the many messages on my FaceBook page and the "Spreading McKenna's Memories" page, also on FB. There are currently 288 members! I loved seeing the pictures that were posted there by Sandy Peterson, Josie, Janell and Teri. Brandon and Dimitri, McKenna's two "boyfriends", both wore pink yesterday and sent McKenna Pink balloons before they went to school. How sweet is that? I'm sure McKenna was smiling in Heaven, to know that they still think about her and miss her.

The entire Johnson family visited McKenna at the cemetary yesterday evening. Nana had been there earlier and left some treats...including a cupcake. When we all went back, something or someone had eaten it! I'm sure Kenna girl watched and laughed as a squirrel or something else got a hold of that cupcake and carried it away! McKenna's grave was full of sparkle...literally! Janell sprayed some glittery stuff on the grass. And there were princess tiaras, a pink flower wreath, a pink ballooon, a beautiful angel plaque from Dee and Teri that had all the angels toes painted HOT PINK, and of course the sweet angel figurine that Dee left for his girl months ago. She is so loved and missed. The family time was nice. It was fitting that we were all there together to wish our girl a Happy Birthday and tell her how much we miss her. After everybody left to go out to dinner, Scott and I stayed and had a few extra minutes with her. We are still devastated by our loss. She is missing from this earth and from our "perfect" family. We will never be the same and we are forced to live this life without her. It's so hard sometimes, but we have to keep going, for Kalen and Jadyn and for everybody else we love.

It's so obvious to me today, as I read all the messages, that McKenna has made a HUGE difference in this world. Not only in ours, but also to everybody else who has opened up their hearts, grieved for her, missed her or loved her. I keep reading messages from people who say that they are changed because of her life and death, because of her strength and love for life. These are the messages that truly make me believe that it all happened for a reason. She was a gift and a blessing to so many. She taught us about faith, hope, love, trust, kindness, bravery, miracles, and yes, even suffering. We have all learned from her and we all have a chance to live better lives because of her. Thank you for these reminders and for telling me about your thoughts and feelings. I spill my guts here regularly, as you know, and I love when people do the same back. With many of your messages and emails, I am moved to tears, not because they make me sad, but because they make me so proud of the girl that brought you all to say and experience these things. She is an angel to every single one of you! Thank you for loving her and praying for her and our family.

The next chapter of our lives begins...

I have just decided to participate in my second Team in Training, Marathon. I'll be running with my friends and "TNT family" (and hopefully Scott) on June 27th in Seattle, WA, in memory of McKenna and uncle Brian, who died from Leukemia when he was just 16. We will also be running in honor of Maddy McKinley(lymphoma), Brooke Furmanski(leukemia), Chase Banken(leukemia), Megan Nurnberger(leukemia), Brendan Conroy(leukemia), Abby Thoma (leukemia) Jackson Sutton (lymphoma), and all the other children we know and love who are still fighting these stupid blood cancers. There are way too many to name and that is just not right! If anybody wants to join us, just go to the TNT website: www.teamintraining.org and check out the upcoming events.

Also, next month, our family will be spending Thanksgiving, the one-year anniversary of McKenna's passing, and my birthday, in sunny, beautiful, Playa Del Carmen, Mexico. We have decided that each year on November 27th, we will be somewhere beautiful to celebrate and give thanks for the many precious moments we got to spend with McKenna and for the love and life that we were so priveleged to share with her. We will write her name in the sand on every beach we ever step foot on! We'll think of her and smile with every PINK sunset. And we'll begin making new family memories that will be treasured forever, along with the memories of our life with McKenna.

To my sweet, 11 year old, McKenna,

"When the roses fade, and I'm in the shade.
I'll think of you.
When I'm all alone, in the great unknown,
I'll think of you."

Mommy loves you Kenna Girl!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008 8:26 AM CDT

Happy Birthday in Heaven McKenna!

Our girl would have been 11 today. Scott and I were talking the other night and decided that she probably would have had a Halloween birthday party this Friday. She would have had all her friends come over after school. They would have dressed up in their costumes and gone out Trick-or-Treating around the neighborhood together. After that they would have all slept over, probably downstairs where they would have played the WII and Guitar Hero, and of course bugged Kalen!

If only....

On her 10th birthday last year, we said goodbye to her at noon, as she was put on the oscillator to help her breathe. It was a horrible day. She struggled for every breath all morning long and she could barely even talk. She layed in the fetal position and held onto her bedrail with the Bi-Pap mask on her face, which was blowing at the highest rate possible. I tried it on once and it felt like I was sticking my face out the window of a car. My poor girl needed the oxygen so bad! Birthday gifts, cards and baloons were starting to be delivered to her room but she didn't care. She only wanted to breathe.

I could continue on with the details of this horrendous day...but I think she would want me to go out and celebrate her special day today. She would want me to remember her being HEALTHY and HAPPY...not scared and suffering. So I'm going to do that. I have the day off of work and I've decided that Jadyn can stay home from school with me today too. (She's very happy right now!) Her and I are going to see my friend Paula at the Salon and she's going to make us beautiful! :0)

We will visit the cemetary and bring some fun stuff to our girl. We will try to make this a fun, special day, in her memory.

Thank you for all the gifts for the "Earth Angels" as Teri called them! Kathy, Mary, Teri, Paula, Amanda, Nicole and I'm probably missing somebody (sorry if I am!) .. THANK YOU!!!

PRAY for all the other kids still fighting cancer and pray their families will never feel this pain.

Love you
Krista

Thursday, October 23, 2008 7:18 PM CDT

One of the things I miss most about McKenna is her personality. She was such a sweet and loving little girl. I can remember her at 1 and 2, standing in front of the TV, and then backing her little butt up and just falling into our laps. Scott would play this game where he would either put his hands out and catch her butt and push her back up, or he would scoot backwards out of her way and let her fall onto the floor. She would get SO MAD! Yet they'd play this game over and over again until she'd finally give up and come sit on my lap. Then we'd sit and talk about how mean Daddy was. After telling me that daddy was such a "Butthead", she'd be up again trying to sit in his lap. She loved him so much and lived for the teasing and tormenting that he dished out to her. The next 8 years were full of it and she got really good at teasing and tormenting him too.

Another thing I miss is playing cards with her. She was so smart! Seriously~ You'd never think a 7 year old could be a card shark! BUT SHE WAS! She played Solitaire, Rummy 500 and Gin and kicked our butts regularly. She also loved Old Maid and Go Fish, which were games that fell more into her age group. She liked to cheat at those games and knew all the cards and which ones had folds or creases in them. She'd remember them and always knew which cards to ask for and which ones to stay away from! Smart Girl! I always pretended I didn't know and let her win every time. She loved just hanging out with us at the kitchen table all night, whether it was at home or up a the cabin. She'd rather hang out with us adults, playing cards, over watching TV or playing video games with the kids, any time! She always wanted to be with us...so mature and beyond her age.

I miss the "drama episodes". Times when she would be so loving one minute, and then just sassy and naughty the next or having a mad, crying fit. She could carry a grudge for a LONG time and some days, she'd be so mad at me for the entire day. Then she'd finally forget about it and wouldn't even remember why she was mad in the first place. She was very moody, especially at the end when she wasn't feeling very good. I can't blame her with all the doctor visits, chemo and radiation sessions and all the meds she was forced to take. Who better to take it all out on than Mom? I knew this and I never got upset about it. I just let her vent and told her how much I loved her and how proud I was of her. When she would stand up for herself at the doctor's office, at the hospital, or in school, I would just about burst with pride that nobody was going to push my girl around!! Although she was always the smallest girl for her age, she was assertive and so confident. Yes, even I looked up to my girl and thought she was the best human on earth. This must be why I still feel so lost without her.

Then there were times, towards the end, when she would tell me how much she loved me with tears rolling down her cheeks. She told me in the hospital, "Thanks for taking care of me, Mommy", and of course, I cried, and cried and cried, and told her "Of course I'll take care of you honey. You're my baby! I love you."

There was NEVER a night when I didn't kiss her goodnight and tell her how much I loved her. It was our nightly ritual. My heart has been aching over the last 11 months since I have not been able to hug and kiss her good night. I would give anything to do it just one more time. I keep saying that....Just one more time.....

If you only knew how much it hurts not to be able to do all these things, one more time.....

May you enjoy and cherish these moments tonight as you hug and kiss your kids good night.

Love you all!
Krista

PS. Did you all get a Face Book Page yet???? find me on FaceBook!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008 7:04 PM CDT

I have been trying to write a journal entry for the last hour and I keep deleting what I wrote. I just finally decided to give up. I am depressed and sad. These last few days have been hard. McKenna's birthday is coming up. Last year, today, she was admitted to the hospital for the final time. Halloween is coming up and I have no idea of what we are going to do. I don't even know if the kids want to dress up this year or not, and if so, there are no costumes yet. Blah blah blah...that's how I feel. I could go on forever on how sad I am but what good would it do? I'm definitely just feeling sorry for myself and that's selfish. I need to get over this!

Michael Sparkman has joined McKenna in Heaven. It is so unfair. Another child gone. Another family left to mourn their son. Another young life taken by Lymphoma. When will it stop? Why can't we cure this stupid cancer? I hate Lymphoma! I wish there was more that I could do to help. Please pray for his sweet soul and for his greiving parents. I know too well what they will be going through over the next few days and months. It's heart wrenching to think about.

Pray for all the kids still out there fighting. I don't ever want to hear about another one of the children we know and love dying from cancer. It rips my heart out every time.

Thank you everybody for sending me the positive messages and writing on Kenna's guestbook. There are times throughout the day that these messages help me to smile.

Love you all,
Krista

Send love to:
https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/michaelsparkman

Saturday, October 18, 2008 9:03 PM CDT

Donna Sparkman once posted a message on our site and she also reached out to me through email. I was able to share some conversations with her over the internet along with my good friend and fellow ALCL mom, Karen McKinley, Maddy's mom. Karen and Donna were able to share good information about treatments and how they were affecting Michael, since Maddy had gone through some of the same adverse affects of the meds. What a relief it must have been for Donna to hear from another mom, that they had experienced the same things. I am glad I was able to give her that support when she needed it. However, she now needs us more than ever because Michael is slipping slowly away. I am so sad tonight after reading Donna's latest post on her son's website.

Please go to Michael's site and say a prayer for his sweet soul. And please pray that his body feels no pain.

I am just so sad tonight and wish there was more that I could do.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/michaelsparkman

Love and prayers to all the families still fighting.
Krista

Part of my previous post, in case anybody wants to pitch in.
For the last couple of weeks we have been remembering McKenna at this time last year. She was home and we had so much hope that she was going to continue to get better. Never did we think that she wouldn't make it through the next hurdle. Our girl fought so hard and I'm so proud of all that she was able to accomplish in such a short lifetime. She truly did change the world...at least our world and those who knew her. As her birthday approaches this year, I'd like to do something for some other beautiful girls we know:

Brooke Furmanski, the 4 year old, McKenna look-a-like, who's fighting leukemia needs to get some princess presents I think!

Also, McKenna's best friend Maddy Peterson, who is not fighting cancer herself, but who stood by McKenna and loved her all the way through to the end..and even now since she is missing her like crazy. She has suffered something that no 10 yr old child should have to experience, the death of her best friend. I would also like to give love and gifts to her too.

And Maddy McKinley, a sweetheart who is still fighting the same cancer as McKenna and who recently decided to start a 5013c Non Profit Organization in memory of McKenna. These 3 are truly amazing little girls and I would LOVE to send them each a care package.

And, maybe even Jadyn, who dontated her bone marrow twice, to her big sister. She misses her so much and still cries when we talk about her and asks why she died. She will live with this the rest of her life.

IF YOU WANT TO HELP and have time this weekend-
Please send me presents or gift cards for any one of them or all them, whatever!!! Go ahead and put a card or note in it with your name and address so they can send you a thank you! 10/29...is McKenna's birthday, so we only have about a week before I would have to send the packages!!! I hope we can send these girls lots of presents in honor of their Guardian Angel, McKenna Dane'! She would be so happy to see her friends get presents on her day!

Have a great weekend everybody.
Love
Krista

Our address is:
6122 106th Ave N
Brooklyn Park, MN 55443

ph: 763-493-5466

Friday, October 17, 2008 11:16 AM CDT

For all of you who have been following along, I have posted a BEAUTIFUL picture of my two nieces, Kalie (3) and her new baby sister, Elliana. Aren't they precious?! Thank God little Elli is okay after such a horrible accident. According to my brother Brandon, Kalie still feels so bad about "hurting" her baby sister. She's only 3 and she certainly didn't mean to do it. Poor thing...I hope she forgets about it soon!

This weekend we are going to the American Cancer Society Garage Sale with Nana and Catharina Field...Kyle's mom! It's Mary's birthday on the 19th so we are also taking her out to lunch and then we're going to the Como Zoo with the kids and cousins. Should be fun! Scott is planning on finishing up the fence. We still have some holes to dig and some gates to put up. YUCK!

For the last couple of weeks we have been remembering McKenna at this time last year. She was home and we had so much hope that she was going to continue to get better. Never did we think that she wouldn't make it through the next hurdle. Our girl fought so hard and I'm so proud of all that she was able to accomplish in such a short lifetime. She truly did change the world...at least our world and those who knew her. As her birthday approaches this year, I'd like to do something for some other beautiful girls we know:

Brooke Furmanski, the 4 year old, McKenna look-a-like, who's fighting leukemia needs to get some princess presents I think!

Also, McKenna's best friend Maddy Peterson, who is not fighting cancer herself, but who stood by McKenna and loved her all the way through to the end..and even now since she is missing her like crazy. She has suffered something that no 10 yr old child should have to experience, the death of her best friend. I would also like to give love and gifts to her too.

And Maddy McKinley, a sweetheart who is still fighting the same cancer as McKenna and who recently decided to start a 5013c Non Profit Organization in memory of McKenna. These 3 are truly amazing little girls and I would LOVE to send them each a care package.

And, maybe even Jadyn, who dontated her bone marrow twice, to her big sister. She misses her so much and still cries when we talk about her and asks why she died. She will live with this the rest of her life.

IF YOU WANT TO HELP and have time this weekend-
Please send me presents or gift cards for any one of them or all them, whatever!!! Go ahead and put a card or note in it with your name and address so they can send you a thank you! 10/29...is McKenna's birthday, so we only have about a week before I would have to send the packages!!! I hope we can send these girls lots of presents in honor of their Guardian Angel, McKenna Dane'! She would be so happy to see her friends get presents on her day!

Have a great weekend everybody.
Love
Krista

Our address is:
6122 106th Ave N
Brooklyn Park, MN 55443

ph: 763-493-5466

Thursday, October 9, 2008 7:54 AM CDT

Last year, today, McKenna bought her little puppy Emmie. She was weak and feeling horrible, she was taking a ton of medications and was still being nourished by TPN intravenously, but she knew she wanted a puppy. Her and I had been searching online for a little puppy for her. We ended up seeing an add from a breeder who had several different types of puppies available at that moment. McKenna and I were so excited! She put her money in her purse and we climbed into the car for the hour drive to the puppy place. She was quiet on the way there, talking only a little bit. She was definitely not singing along to the radio like she always had in the past. She just felt too crappy. When we got to the puppy place, she wore her mask to keep the germs out. She went from cage to cage and looked at all the puppies and when she came to Emmie's cage, she stood there looking at her for a moment longer than all the others. Then she looked at me and said, "This one". She knew just like that...one look, no hesitations, that this was the puppy for her. I tried to talk her out of such a hasty decision and even made her hold a couple other puppies but there was no swaying her! She was set and she had found the puppy for her. She held Emmie close and snuggled her face into her fur and told me she really wanted her. I said, "McKenna, your daddy told me anything but a Shih-tzu!" (cuz we already have toby) And she replied back: "DADDY SAID I CAN HAVE ANYTHING I WANT" I laughed and agreed that he really said that! So I told her that she could have the dog, but she would have to be the one to tell her dad that it's another ShihTzu.
McKenna held her new puppy all the way home and Emmie just snuggled with her and made funny snorty noises, which made McKenna and I both laugh. McKenna called Scott on the way home and told him that she bought a Shih Tzu. She told him right away very matter of factly. She was in no mood to play around, so she told him and that was that.

McKenna only got to enjoy her puppy for 2 weeks before she was readmitted to the hospital with RSV. I am so grateful for those two weeks that she got to have her own puppy to love. She was so proud of Emmie. If we would have told her no, she wouldn't have ever had the chance and now we'd be living without our sweet little Emmie who reminds us of McKenna every day.

I truly believe McKenna picked this dog for many reasons. I think she knew we would need her when she was gone. I also think she knew that this was the puppy that would lick daddy's pillow! Scott always used to tease her and tell her he was going to lick her pillow and McKenna would run screaming after him! So now, Emmie will lay on the bed and lick his pillow! Seriously! Scott loves this little puppy so much. She is his, where as Toby is mine. She bought this puppy for all of us but especially for her daddy because she knew he would love her.

Love and miss you McKenna!
Mommy

Thursday, October 9, 2008 7:54 AM CDT

Thursday, October 2, 2008 5:41 PM CDT

I'm back! Everything went great and I enjoyed the sailing trip and loved all the people I got to know along the way. So many great people were onboard with me and we had a lot of fun...working and laughing together over the 9 days on the ship. It was definitely hard work though and I was completely exhausted numerous times!!! Lots of wind kept us sailing and we actually were under sail for about 70% of the time. The other 30% we used the engines....but 70% is HUGE! That means there was a lot of rope pulling, mast climbing and ship-rocking going on! What an awesome experience. Now, I've got all kinds of new friends from all over the world and lots of places to stay when I go to Europe the next time! Hopefully some of them will come visit us too! My friend, Rob, who's in a wheelchair, was the most determined to come visit me, even if it means he'll have to sleep on a couch on our main floor! I told him we'd make our house as "wheelchair friendly" as possible before he comes but I cannot help it if the puppies want to jump in his lap and lick his face and nibble on his ears! That really made him laugh! :0)

ANYWAY--on the trip, I missed my entire family, especially McKenna girl. The sunsets over the English Channel and off the coast of France were beautiful and PINK. As I stood there and watched the red sun setting over the water, day after day, I cried to myself. My beautiful girl was with me and I could feel her giving me love....but it's still so hard to know that I'll never see her again until I join her in Heaven. I miss her so much every day and I keep waiting for it to get easier, but it doesn't. I don't think it ever will...she was so precious.

Thank you to everybody who has been sending me emails and messages on this site. Your words mean so much to me and to know that she has made such a HUGE difference in so many lives is the best medicine ever for my grief and sadness. SO THANK YOU Mike Curry for pointing this out to me, once again. I'll never tire of reading messages like yours!

More updates to come...I have to run! Kiss the kids!
Love,
Krista

PS. my friend Sam Winterflood, (18 from Guernsey, UK, who sailed with me) lit a candle at the Cathedral in St. Malo for McKenna and said a prayer for her. The sweetest thing is, I wasn't even there with him. Another one of my crewmates told me that he did this on his own. How sweet is that? Thanks Sam!

Friday, September 26, 2008 8:21 PM CDT

JUST A NOTE TO LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT KRISTA CALLED WEDNESDAY. WE ONLY TALKED FOR A FEW MINUTES BUT SHE SAID;
1= SHE KNEW SHE WOULD BE WORKING BUT IT'S HARDER THAN SHE EXPECTED,SHE'S DOING HER WORK PLUS THE PERSON SHE IS HELPING.
2=THE SUNSETS ARE UNBELIEVABLE !!!!
3=SHE WENT ON THE SHIP SATURDAY AND WAS HOPING TO PUT HER FEET ON LAND SOON.
4=SHE GETS OFF SUNDAY BUT COMING HOME TUESDAY AFTERNOON SPENDING A DAY IN PARIS.
5=I'M SURE SHE WILL UPDATE MIDDLE OF NEXT WEEK, SCOTT AND THE KIDS ARE DOING OK,JADYN MISSES HER MOM AND WILL GLAD SHE IS COMING HOME SOON..

Monday, September 15, 2008 11:51 AM CDT

Madison McKinley sent me an email that brought tears to my eyes, but joy to my heart and soul. Those of you who have followed along, know that Maddy is the little girl that has the same type of cancer as McKenna. She was diagnosed about 6 months before McKenna. Her mom, Karen, and I, found eachother online and compared treatement notes and stories over the years in desperate attempts to save and cure our children. Last summer, Maddy, her sisters, mom Karen and Grandmother, came to McKenna's benefit, out of the blue! They were visiting Chicago and decided to drive up for the day. What a HUGE surprise that was. Sadly it was the first and last time that McKenna would meet Maddy and her family, even though we had always planned to get together somewhere tropical someday! WELL, anyway, I have to share with you the email that Maddy sent to me. I am definitely on board with her! Anybody want to join us???

Hi Krista!�

This is Maddy�McKinley and I�have a question for you. I think of McKenna every day and actually I�think she is my guardian angel. How would you feel about me starting a MJ (McKenna Johnson) Foundation and soliciting companies to make gold/yellow products to put on the shelves at stores to support childhood cancer research. Everywhere I go I�always see pink products supporting breast cancer research, sometimes a whole section dedicated to it.�

Now all I�want even more then becoming a doctor, is to walk into stores and see a whole section of yellow/gold products supporting childhood cancer research. I think it is what McKenna would want me to do and I�hope that you will not only approve but also help me run this non-profit organization.

Please let me know what you think. Thank you!�
Love,�
Maddy

Thursday, September 11, 2008 6:44 PM CDT

Just wanted to post a few things... First of all, THANK YOU to everyone who still come here to check on us and leave us your thoughts, prayers and support. Each day that I come here and see that people are still remembering our girl, means so much to me! Your words of encouragement have helped me to understand that our story is making a difference in so many lives and that McKenna's life and death, mattered. I am so grateful for this outlet (CaringBridge) to continue to write about McKenna and our "new" lives without her. It's definitely my therapy and my "self counselling" that I still so desperately need. I have to tell you that none of us have actually sought out "professional" help, nor have we gone to any grief support groups. All we have is this...you, our family and friends and eachother, and I'm extremely grateful for all of it. So thank you!

We are fast approaching the 10 month anniversary of McKenna's journey to heaven. I still think back and wonder at how quickly it has gone...and then in the same instant I'm amazed that it's only been that long. I realize I may have to wait a really long time to see her again. That's really hard. We all miss her so much and talk about her all the time. She is always with us..everyday.

Jadyn is thinking about moving back into McKenna's room again. She told me so this morning. McKenna's room is bigger than hers and has a bigger closet and it also has the cable hookups and phone jack..so she really wants to move in and get a TV and a phone. She's still a little worried that Kenna will be mad at her all the way from Heaven, so we'll see what happens! LOL!

Kalen is doing well so far in the 7th grade and is enjoying football. He seems to be keeping up better this year and actually does his homework each night after practice. I'm hoping and praying that this year is easier for him than last. Actually, I know it will be. What could be harder than losing your sister during the 6th grade?

Scott and I are still keeping busy. We just got done building our cedar privacy fence...we did it all by ourselves! It looks great and now the doggies can't run the neighborhood barking at all the other dogs behind fences. They're not too happy about it! Another benefit is they can't poop in other people's yards anymore! HA! I'm sure the neighbors are very happy with our fence!

I know I already posted about her, but I have to do it again. Please visit Brooke and say hi! www.caringbridge.org/visit/brookefurmanski
There are some pictures of her from the HopeDay Festival that remind me so much of McKenna. Her front page picture and also the one of her feeding the baby guinea pig. The PINK hat and the PINK Gap sweatshirt are SO MCKENNA! She really looks just like little McKenna at 4. I'm asking you all to keep Brooke in your prayers as she continues to battle Leukemia and support her parents through this like you did for us.

I leave in a week for the trip to Europe and my sailing adventure from England to France. I'm so worried about leaving Scott and the kids for so long! I know Nana and Papa will be around to help out, but it's still so hard. I'm going to miss them so much and I know they'll miss me too! (especially Jadyn) I know it will all be worth it though and I'll be able to share the experience with them too. Pray for a safe trip and for my family to be just fine without me! THANK YOU!!

Read your kids a book tonight!
Love
Krista

Sunday, September 7, 2008 8:48 PM CDT

Please visit Brooke's page: www.caringbridge.org/visit/brookefurmanski
She is the beautiful little girl we met at the festival yesterday who reminded me so much of McKenna. You're going to just LOVE her! Please also pray for little Mariah, Brooke's friend, who passed away yesterday. This life can be so sad....

The Allianz HopeDay Festival was awesome! I got there early to help set up and some of my Allianz coworkers were there as well. It rained during the setup and we were really worried that it would be a total washout but by noon, the rain was done and it turned out to be a beautiful day. There were a total of 50 Allianz volunteers there and many of them also signed up to be bone marrow donors. Once again, I am so proud of the people I work with and the company we all work for.

Our kids had a great time and we had lots of extended family and friends there. I'm going to post some pictures of the day so make sure to check out the photos! It was also great to see all of our friends and many of the families we've gotten to know over the years. Of course, Gina Cousineau was there, running the bone marrow registration tent and all of the mom's helping out were our friends from the BMT unit..some of the mom's still have their kids and many of them have lost, just like us. Everywhere I went, I ran into old and new friends. Lots of hugs and even some tears as I watched a little 4 year old girl named Brooke, who was bald and beautiful. She reminded me so much of McKenna at that age during McKenna's frist transplant. I shared this with her mom and told her how BEAUTIFUL her little girl is. Turns out, they had followed along with McKenna's journey on CaringBridge and she knew all about us.

My nieces were with us all day today too so my sister, her husband and the older boys could go to Valley Fair. We rounded out the night by giving them more of JJ and Kenna's clothes. Once again, I emptied out McKenna's closet of all her favorite things. I am finding out that this is one of the hardest "chores" to do. I know that Bella and Dani will love all the clothes so that helps.

Last year at this time, McKenna was in the hospital, still suffering from all the chemo, radiation, side effects of the tranpslant and GVHD, weak, sick and miserable. She wanted nothing more than to get out of the hospial and come home. My poor, sweet girl....I'll miss her forever.

Please pray for all the kids who couldn't come to the festival today, for there are many hospital floors filled to capacity with kids fighting for their lives right now. They are all heroes!!

Praying for a cure.
Krista

Thursday, September 4, 2008 3:58 PM CDT

The first day of school for Kalen and JJ went great (for them). Both of them came home with lots of stories to tell about their new teachers, classes and friends. That morning, I actually drove them both to school and had to go in to each of their schools to fill out bussing paperwork. When I went to Jadyn's school, she begged me to walk her in and bring her to her classroom and meet her teacher with her. So I did. On the way to her class, I saw a group of girls getting their picture taken in the hallway by one of their mothers. I thought it was so cute. Then I got closer and saw that the girls were acutally some of McKenna's friends. More grown up now and starting the 5th grade. I'm sure you can imagine what happened next. I smiled and said hi to them and continued on to Jadyn's class. I hugged her tight, probably tighter than I would have normally, and told her I loved her, twice, before leaving. Then I escaped out of the classroom and headed down the hallway. Before I could even make it to the front door, tears were already starting to blur my vision. DARN IT! I definitely had not prepared for that scene. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I drove the rest of the way to work, fighting back tears as I thought of McKenna and how she didn't get to start school like the other kids. She LOVED school...more than any kid I've ever known. It's SO NOT fair that she only got to go for 4 years! She loved everything about school...her friends, her teachers, the structure they provided her, learning, reading, writing, spelling, math, music, gym, recess, homework, EVERYTHING!! It's just SO NOT FAIR! Even now, 2 days later, I'm still getting teary just thinking about it and how much it hurt to see her smiling friends. I wonder if it will always be this way....right through to graduation?? Probably. She'll always be missing.

I hope everybody is planning on watching Stand Up To Cancer this Friday. Look it up...it's going to be on all the national networks with no commercials!! If you go the website, make sure you look up McKenna's star. If you are able to, please donate $10 in her name!

Kalen started Tackle Football today. Pray for an "injury free" season for him! JJ is thinking about signing up for the Wizard of Oz production through the school district. 2 years ago, McKenna acted in the Snow White and Seven Dwarfs production and played the cute, little part of Qui, the littlest dwarf...also known as Dopey. She was SO CUTE!!! Little JJ is wanting to follow in her footsteps....

THANK YOU for continuing to follow our journey and THANK YOU for all the loving and supportive messages that are posted on this guestbook. I haven't told you lately how much it means to me to come here and get my daily boost of "pick me ups", from friends, family, acquaintances, and people we don't even know. It amazes me that so many people were touched by McKenna's life. There is nothing more rewarding than hearing that....over and over and over again. THANK YOU!
Love
Krista

PS. Visit Abby Thoma's site and watch her montage video. You can see pictures of her during the Miracles for Mitch Triathlon with McKenna's name on her leg!
www.caringbridge.org/mn/abbythoma

Friday, August 29, 2008 10:06 AM CDT

One year ago today, McKenna received her 2nd dose of donated bone marrow cells from her little sister, Jadyn. She had already spent 8 long days in the hospital, receiving the chemo that would eventually lead to her death, due to a supressed immune system. Her hospital room was decorated to the hilt with lots of "girly" things...lots of PINK! The fun gifts, cards and letters were pouring in daily, and her cute "girly" sheets were on her bed and mine, making her hospital room look more like a dorm room. All of her stuffed animals laid on the bed with her and the puke bucket was always within easy reach. Smiles, sassy comments, hugs and kisses and lots of "I love you, Mommy's" and "I love you little Monkey Butt's" filled our room. As you prepare for your long holiday weekend that you will most likely spend with your families, please make sure you love on your children as much as possible and make this a weekend they will never forget, in memory of McKenna.

Last night, Scott and I, met 9 other couples who have lost a child in the last year. Josh, from HopeKids, invited us all to go on Stanley Hubbard's (Hubbard Broadcasting), 125 foot yacht, Mimi, for a 4 hour dinner cruise down the St. Croix. It was a beautiful night with a beautiful PINK sunset and it was really nice to be with other couples who know our pain. The boat itself was AMAZING! There are 8 permanent staff members who live on the boat, which is actually more like a small cruise-ship, than a yacht. We were pampered and catered too, with beverages, hors d'ourves, dinner and dessert. Everything was so nice! But more than anything, it was the conversations and camraderie that I am so grateful to have had with these people. We have all been in the same shoes over the last year and we all definitely "get it". One of the couples on the boat we already knew, Tina and Dave Wagner, Joel's parents. It was so good to see them, hug them and reminisce about our time spent together in the BMT ward with our beautiful children. RSV took them both after a month spent in the ICU on oscillators. One strange coincidence is that they also got a puppy and named her Emmie...just like our Emmie, and their puppy is just as perfect for their family's healing as ours. It was fun exchanging stories of the 2 Emmies and how funny they both are. Any other person on that boat would've felt so out of place, as all of us had so much in common and hugs, tears and smiles were just part of the evening. Along with laughs, new friendships and unending support of one another as we continue on our journeys.

One of the main topics of last evening was about the upcoming Allianz HopeDay Festival on September 7, at the University of Minnesota. www.hopekids.org Josh and the U of M have really put a lot of time and planning into this event to make this the biggest HopeKids event EVER...even bigger than last year's HopeDay Festival! I am very proud to say that for the 2nd year in a row, Allianz is sponsoring the event. In addition to the funding, we have also recruited over 40 employees to come and volunteer for the day. Eric Thomes is my boss's boss's boss and he has been HUGE in gathering support for this effort. One of his best friend's, Bo Johnson, (who some of you may remember from many of my previous posts) who just had 2 double lung transplants, to cure his lung cancer, also donated $5,000 in memory of McKenna. His donation is all going to the food court at the event and so as we happily eat our hot dogs, subs or hamburgers, we need to thank him for his generosity and his loving heart. He is still in the hospital at this time and is needing our continued prayers as he goes down the road to recovery. Thank you Bo! www.addiscure.org

Life continues to fly by! Hug your kids!
Love
Krista

Sunday, August 24, 2008 9:11 PM CDT

Thinking of my friend, Julia Turner, tonight as she is reminiscing on the one year anniversary of her daughter's death. Sierra Turner was a BEAUTIFUL 17 year old girl who was loved and cherished. Then cancer's devastating diagnosis was bestowed upon her and her family. She was taken from this earth before she was able to experience so many things. Like graduation, going to college, getting married, having children and on and on and on. Please say prayers for Julia and Sierra tonight!!
http://caringbridge.org/visit/sierraturner

Also thinking of Abby Thoma and her family as they have recently celebrated Abby's 5-year anniversary of being in remission from Leukemia. Abby is doing great today and her fun-loving, playful spirit always makes me smile when I see her. What a sweet girl!! Abby completed a Triathlon last weekend and did it with McKenna's name written in black marker on her leg. McKenna would have been so proud of her! I know I am! Go Abby! You are my little hero!
http://www.caringbridge.org/mn/abbythoma/

And as always, thinking of all the other kids whose lives were lost at the U of M, BMT and ICU units last year when McKenna was a patient there. So many sweet, innocent children taken away from their loving parents and families. So many dreams destroyed. It's heartbreaking to know there are so many parents who are feeling as lost and sad as we are, yet strangely, it's also comforting to know we are not alone. I am still confused as to why these beautiful children had to die. Did we not love enough? Did we do something wrong? Was it our fault? All I know is that we miss them with every beat of our hearts and we'll never be the same without them.

Love your children today, tonight and every second that you can. There is nothing better than feeling their small arms hug you and hearing those words, "I love you Mommy!"

Krista

Thursday, August 21, 2008 10:12 AM CDT

This email that I recieved out of the blue here at work is one of the reasons why I continue to post in this journal:

hello Krista,
You don't know me, my name is Donna Sparkman & I saw a picture of your daughter McKenna on the LLS site & I was drawn to read your journey. It took me hours to get through it but I was so amazed by your strength & humor throughout your journey that I couldn't put it down, (other than when I had to rub my sons back while he puked). My 6 yr old son Michael has stage IV very aggresive bcell lymphoma, he was dianosed in april 08 & they thought oh it's just lymphoma because it presented like an ewing sarcoma or osteo sarcoma with a tumor wrapped around his knee it was also all through his spinal cord & face & organs, so when it came back as lymphoma we were very relieved. First set of scans showed much improvement with all the masses, he was delayed during intensification due to low counts & all the cancer returned in all new places, it had morphed from an immature bcell to mature bcell & we were told he would be on ICE with rituxen, after one treatment & another set of scans the cancer is still spreading. We have met with a lymphoma specialist in columbus & he's got a new concoction that is used for very aggresive leukemia that he thinks will get Michael into remission so we can do BMT. Unfortunately my 2 daughters did not match so it will either be unrelated marrow donor or cord blood.
I just felt the need to reach out to you & let you know that your strength has touched me your story has touched me I cried for hours...but I think I needed to cry, I haven't done much of that since diagnosis but Michael's been sleeping all day so it was a good day to cry.
You are an amazing women & I wish I could meet you in person & just hug you for all you've been through, throughout your journal you always thanked & thought of others, so unselfish. You are a true inspiration for me as we continue our journey to fight this beast.
I'm glad I got to read your story,
Donna Sparkman
www.caringbrige.org/visit/michaelsparkman
--
Donna

PLEASE visit Michael's site and send him some love and prayers! It breaks my heart to know that there are so many kids out there suffering and fighting like my hero, McKenna, did. I will continue to do all I can to help find a cure for these stupid cancers.

Love to you all!
KJ

Monday, August 18, 2008 7:35 AM CDT

Just stopping by to see my little girl's beautiful face as I often do. In my head, I can still hear her voice, such a sweet, sweet sound. "Mommy, there's a monster under my chair." She used to say about the puppies who were waiting for food to drop..."Mommy, do you love me?", she used to ask this over and over and over, just to annoy me! "Good night Mommy. Good night Daddy. Love you Mommy, Love you Daddy, sleep tight, don't like the bed bugs bite. Sweet Dreams Mommy. Sweet Dreams Daddy. Love you" Every night of her life...she would say these things to us over and over until we had to finally say..."Okay, McKenna, That's enough. Get to sleep" If only I could hear it all again and again and again! "Whatever!!", Her favorite one word sentence... God, I miss her so much. I hope she is having fun in Heaven...wish I could see her and hug her. Instead I sit here and cry and miss her.

A month from today, I will be flying to Southampton, England, for my 2 week "once in a lifetime" experience. If you haven't been following along, you may have missed the post where I told you about the trip that I won by writing a 500 word essay at work. I will be sailing on a tall-ship called the Tenacious. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ySeJS6Hxd0
I am so excited for this adventure and cannot wait to meet everybody who will be on board. There will be 20 able- bodied individuals and 20 disabled people, as well as 10 permanent crew members. I will be paired up with a disabled buddy and we will be doing chores and duties together as we sail from England to France and around the coast of France. We'll end up in St. Malo France, where I plan on staying one night before hopping on a train to Paris. Then I'll spend one night in Paris and fly home the next day. 2 full weeks of adventure. I hope I find myself again and get a new, more positive perspective on life. I have been sad for so long now that I almost can't remember what it was like to be happy. I think it's because I didn't realize how perfect my life was, until it was completely destroyed by cancer.

These are my thoughts for the day...Hug and love your kids today and always.
Krista

Tuesday, August 12, 2008 7:03 PM CDT

Not too much going on here. Just sitting here, thinking about how much EVERYTHING has changed in the last year. Although we are getting used to our "new" lives, it's still not easy. Each and every day that goes by, is one more painful day without McKenna in our lives. It's still so hard. It helps to think the other way around and know that each day I live, brings me one day closer to going to Heaven, to see my little girl again. I wonder if every parent who loses a child feels this way? Like all the joy has just been sucked out of you. Like you'll never again feel truly happy, because somebody you love will always be missing. I'm sure I'm not the only one...

Kalen and Jadyn are doing really good. The other night, Jadyn sat on our bedroom floor and looked through pictures of McKenna from the time she was a baby. She cried,I cried, and I realized that it's going to impact her and Kalen, more and more as they get older. I think Jadyn has matured a lot over the last several months and is realizing the finality of death...and the fact that she'll never see her sister again. Kalen already knew this but he is still trying so hard not to think about it too much and when we are all sad, he tries so hard to cheer us up. Always trying to be the comedian. That's our Kalen!

Well, I'm going to end this post now so that I can copy some posts from this week last year. The best week we would ever have....if only I knew it then!
Hug and love your kids like there was no tomorrow!
Love
KJ
_____________________________________________________

Friday, August 17, 2007 7:17 PM CDT

The PET scan was perfect! The radiologist said there was no new activity and that the treatment was working. Only one glowing spot in one of the areas in her chest....but they believe this is just residual disease, old stuff that's probably already dead, but still showing up like scar tissue. The last thing Kenna Girl has to do is pee in a cup for the next 24 hours. Then we have to put it in an orange jug and put it in the refrigerator! YUCK! This is actually some sort of kidney test. They put some dye or something in her today and they want to make sure that her kidneys are functioning properly by getting rid of it all. So, they'll check that out on Monday. McKenna had her best friend, Maddy Peterson with her today. Nana had her best friend, Jackie, and Jadyn was there too. It was a ladies day today! Jadyn also had to give blood, have a chest X-ray and pee in a cup too. These are all part of her pre-donor physical to make sure she is healthy and can donate. We know this will all turn out fine.

SO--the plan is for us to meet with Dr. Baker on Monday at 9:00am to finish all the work-up stuff that we didn't get to do last month, and give them her pee! :0) (so much pee talk this post!) After that, I'm not sure what's going on. They wouldn't confirm that she would get admitted or not. I think the BMT ward is full, so we may have to wait until later in the week.

All is wonderful here! We have received the best news possible and we are extemely relieved! It was pretty nerve racking waiting for the news...but definitely worth the wait. Thank you God for answering our prayers today!

Thank you to everybody for their continued love and support! I keep seeing so many loving, caring and positive guestbook entries from friends, family, teachers, neighbors, friends of friends, and people we don't even know. With all that we are going through, it makes it so much easier to know we are loved and cared for by so many. Your words have comforted me so many times. THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU!!!

Krista

Some of our BMT friends need your prayers now!
caringbridge.org/visit/joelwagner
caringbridge.org/visit/evancousineau
caringbridge.org/visit/levistephens
caringbridge.org/visit/dylangardner
and another friend
caringbridge.org/visit/sierraturner

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, August 16, 2007 6:24 AM CDT

I apologize for my delay in posting a new journal entry. McKenna has been feeling GREAT. She received red blood cells on Monday and this week she has been going strong! I'm still amazed that this little girl has cancer. By looking at her and watching her play and laugh, it's hard to believe she is fighting for her life right now. She is a STRONG, BRAVE and LOVING little soul and I am so proud to be her mom.

The kids have had a wonderful week. The horseback riding on Sunday was so fun. Gary and Rose, I can never thank you enough for giving the entire family, a memory that will last a lifetime. Jadyn wants to work at the ranch we visited! Even Kalen had a great time leading all of us on our trail ride. I was so proud of all of them! After the trail ride, Rose told McKenna she had something for her. Any guesses? Not in a million years will you guess what she had!!! Her sister, Debby, met McKenna at Rose and Gary's wedding. Since then, she's been thinking about and praying for McKenna every day. She sent a card that said:

"There is a Japanese legend that says if you fold 1000 paper cranes you will be granted a wish. I folded these cranes for you. It is my wish that you get well. You are in my thoughts and prayers every day. Debby Loughney"

And in a huge plastic tote, there were 1000 beautiful, colorful, paper cranes! I can't imagine how long this took her. Rose said that she offered to help her but she declined the offer because she wasn't sure the wish would come true. So every night, she folded 50 cranes until she had 1000. Debby, this was such a beautiful, wonderful, caring and amazing thing you did for McKenna. I am so touched that somebody would do something like that for my little girl. Saying thank you doesn't seem fitting for what you did, but it's all I can do right now. I will post new pictures on the website soon, and you can bet it will include McKenna with her 1000 paper cranes! And one with her new hand knit shawl that she loves!

On Tuesday, our kids and Bruce and Brittney (cousins), went to visit Gary and Rose at their farm in Menomonie, WI with Papa. They spent the whole day playing with the goats and brushing their 4 horses. They also went to STOUT University, where Rose works, and went indoor rock climbing. The instructors were awesome and the kids told me they were really nice. After that, they went to Rose's mom's house and she made them all a huge feast! Papa told me it was the most fun he has ever had with all the grandkids. Once again, THANK YOU for making this time so amazing for everybody.

We are getting ready to go through the bone marrow transplant, and spending a month at the hospital. I am trying desperately to get some things done at work before I go. Today is technically my last day as tomorrow I'll be volunteering at Allianz' annual golf tournament for charity. I work for a great company who donates a LOT of money to charities every year. Many of these organaizations have supported us over the last 7 years and I'm grateful my company has enabled me to give back to them.

Emotionally, our entire family is doing great. McKenna still isn't worried about a thing! This helps us all to have hope and faith that she's going to be just fine! She can't wait to be able to go to school and be "normal" again. We're all praying for you baby girl! You will sail through this and this will all be a distant memory someday! We love you and we'll be with you every step of the way!

Thank you for praying for her, for us and for all of our CaringBridge and cancer friends. We are so blessed to have you all in our lives!
Love,
Krista

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Sunday, August 12, 2007 12:59 AM CDT

We were up at the lake this weekend. It was beautiful and the kids did a lot of swimming, tubing and fishing. Today, we are meeting Uncle Gary and Aunt Rose at a horse riding stable. All of us are going riding! The kids are so excited! Well, Jadyn and McKenna are, Kale, not so much! So with all this activity, you're assumption that McKenna is doing great is right! She's definitely enjoying the 2nd to the last weekend of her summer! Tomorrow is actually her last day of chemo and radiation. However, it's going to be an extremely long day as we have to be down at the U at 8am for her first radiation treatment. Then we have to go over to the clinic to get a blood transfusion--that takes 3 hours. When we are done with that, she'll get her chemo. Then it's back for the second round of radiation. CRAZY! She doesn't have any other appointments this week except for the Friday PET scan. Please pray it looks good!
Take care for now and I'll update soon!
Krista

Wednesday, August 6, 2008 8:04 AM CDT

Just wanted to share some "moments" from the last week that made me realize that McKenna is right here with us...always.

"Drift Away" from Uncle Kracker came on the radio as I was driving home the other day. It immediately brought me back to another beautiful, hot, sunny day when we were all up at the lake fishing from the pontoon. My nephew Bruce, caught a Muskie. Every time we heard that song after that, McKenna would always say "This is the song that Bruce caught his Muskie on". I could actually hear her voice say those words to me as I drove with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I was driving my car into the car wash and the spray from underneath created a BEAUTIFUL rainbow, right across the windshield, as I drove into the wash. When do you ever see a rainbow at the carwash??? HA! I knew it was McKenna giving me some love!

Scott and I were sitting here, alone, watching TV and the door to the downstairs made a loud rattle. Scott and I just looked at eachother and Scott said, "How are you doing Boo Boo!" We both knew it was her saying hi and don't forget me!

Scott and I were sitting out on our front porch and a beautiful monarch butterfly flew in and danced around on our plants and flowers for a few minutes. Then it flew away and I said, "Bye McKenna Girl". Then a moment later it came back and flew around in front of us for a moment and flew away again. I know it was her!

Am I crazy or are these truly messages from my little girl? I like to think that I'm not crazy, therefore I KNOW that these are messages from my sweet angel in Heaven.

I miss you McKenna!
Love,
Mom

Sunday, July 27, 2008 9:35 PM CDT

7-28-08
We spent the afternoon and evening with Cameron Perlish and mom Leighsa who are in town for Cam's 1 year post-BMT workup. We had a great day today and LOVED spending time with these two girls! Kalen tagged along also and didn't even mind hanging out with all of us girls. Jadyn and Cameron got along great!! We will all be friends for the rest of our lives, even though many miles separate us, they will always hold a special place in our hearts for what they went through, right along with us and our Boo Boo Girl. We have lots of "new" friends like this and they are all so special..like the Gardner's, Field's, Cousineau's, Stephen's and so many more. We are lucky to have them all in our lives. Check out the Photo Album for photos of our day today. (Kalen avoided having his picture taken with all the girls!)
KJ

Wow--10 days without updating the journal. That's the longest stretch since before our sweet McKenna's cancer came back. Sorry! 8 months ago today, McKenna went to Heaven and left us behind. There's so much I could tell you about how hard it's been but that would be so depressing for you all! Believe me, we have suffered without our girl and we all miss her with every beat of our hearts.

We've been keeping busy. The kids went to the lake again this weekend and last. They still love it up there and you should see how tan Jadyn is! Just like I used to get when I was a little girl and out in the sun all day, every day! (now that I'm starting to get age spots, I realize how dumb that was! too late! JJ's going to be using sun screen from now on!) I'll have to post a picture soon.

Kalen has spent a lot of time fishing up at the lake. This summer he's caught a LOT! Mostly small and large mouth bass but he is always trying to catch that Muskie that hangs out by the dock every summer. You can see him almost every night, in the shallow water by the dock, but he doesn't even flinch when you try to cast a lure by him. He's totally not interested! This must be his nightly resting spot.

Scott and I don't plan on going to the lake at all this summer. We're also avoiding many other events and places that we just can't go to without the "entire" family. Projects around the house keep us busy on the weekends when the kids aren't around. As I wrote before, we have painted every wall in our house, top to bottom over the last 8 months. This summer we have planted tons of flowers, shrubs, plants and trees. This weekend we tore apart another section of our backyard and planted a new tree and 7 flowering perenials. Next week, we plan on starting our cedar privacy fence. Once that's done, ther will be a LOT more landscaping and planting going on. We plan on making a beautiful garden area that takes up quite a bit of our backyard in honor of McKenna. We are going to plant pink flowers that will spell out a huge "M", for our girl. She'll be able to see it from Heaven and I know she'll love it! It's going to be a beautiful garden with lots of different plants of every color. I can't wait to start on it!

The puppies are all doing good. Rosie, the long haired chihauhau, is shedding like crazy! Emmie and Toby, the Shih-tzu's, both need haircuts! They still remind me of the 3 kids. Emmie is always picking on Rosie and making her mad. The girls are always playing and fighting with eachother...but they love eachother! And Toby, well, he just watches most of the time, but every now and then he goes after both of them and beats up on them a little. I swear their relationships remind me of our 3 kids so much! It's funny!

Tomorrow, Jadyn and I, and maybe Kalen (if he's feeling like hanging out wiht a bunch of girls) will be going down to the U to visit our friends Leighsa and Cameron. Cameron is here doing her 1yr Post BMT workup. She was in the hospital at the same time as us last year. I'm so happy for them and I can't wait to see Leighsa, somebody who was there with us through all the good and bad, throughout our hospital time. She is a total sweetheart and I can't wait to give her a big hug and celebrate Cam's health with her. Cameron is 10 (same age as Kenna) and her favorite color is PINK. It will definitely be another BITTERSWEET moment. So many of those this year...

Love you all and hope you are all doing well.
Krista

Thursday, July 17, 2008 9:19 PM CDT

The BBQ and family get-together went fine yesterday. It's the first time we've had so many people over since April of 07. It was Easter and McKenna and Jadyn were both dressed up in pretty Easter dresses and had so much fun showing everybody around our new house and especially their shocking, hot-pink bedrooms! Their bedrooms haven't changed much, except McKenna's was full of clothes that I have been going through. Sorting through what will still fit Jadyn and what is too small. I ended up giving a large plastic tub full of girls clothes to my sister, Brittany last night. I gave her all of their swimsuits..about 10 of them, and a whole bunch of McKenna's cute clothes, all labeled by McKenna with a black Sharpie marker...a black "M" on every tag. Isabella and Dani each ended up taking a a couple stuffed animals and a purse from their favorite cousin's room. We all started getting a little teary towards the end of the night. Giving away the clothes and the treasures from her room was bittersweet. I know McKenna would have been happy to share with her little cousins and would want her things to go to them instead of just anybody. I just wish she were the one to give them her prized things. Not me. Jadyn also let Bella have one of her favorite stuffed animals. It was very sweet of her and I'm so proud of her. She's such a sweet little girl. (most of the time) :0)

Jadyn left to go up the cabin for the weekend tonight. She got to take her friend Amanda with her so I'm sure she'll have a great time! She'll have another little girl to play with and do all the things that her and Kenna used to do together. Hopefully they won't fight, like Kenna and her used to do! Last week, she told me that she missed her sister. Even fighting with her, because fighting with her was kind of fun and the lake wasn't as much fun without her. Those were exactly her words to me.

Kalen and our 3 dogs are home with Scott and I for the weekend. We're just planning on hanging out and doing a few things on Saturday, including going to Kyle Field's 1 yr post BMT party. Can't wait to see Catharina, Terry and Kyle. Kyle's still my hero for fighting so hard and living through the hell his body (and parents) endured during the BMT process and the ensuing months spent on a ventilator in the ICU. He is really incredible! Visit his site at www.caringbridge.org/visit/kylefield and tell him Happy 1 year post BMT Birthday!

Every single day I still think of the kids and families we spent the last few months of McKenna's life with. Dylan, Evan, Micheal, Cameron, Ellen, Dallas, McKenzie, Caroline, Levi, Sidnee, Joel, Aidan, Jackson and many more. The tears, pain and sadness we shared with their families will remain with me for the rest of my life. The HOPE, LOVE, JOY and MIRACLES that we experienced will also be a part of me until the day I die. I'll never forget any of it and will love and remember these children and their families forever. I look back now and realize that we have been given so many rare gifts and have had the privelege of knowing and loving so many special people throughout it all. Our friends and family and all the support we received from people we didn't even know was amazing. I am so grateful for all the love and compassion we have received and continue to receive. I know that God (and McKenna) are helping us to get through the tough times. They will always be there for us.

Love you all!
Krista

Tuesday, July 15, 2008 9:38 PM CDT

McKenna, I miss you little girl! Tomorrow the entire Wilson family is coming over to our house to celebrate all the July birthdays and we're having a BBQ. It's still so hard to imagine doing any of these big family events without you. You should be here, playing and arguing with Jadyn and laughing at your brother's silliness. You'd be the one to give Amber and Tony and anybody else who hasn't been here before, the official tour of our house. You'd be playing with Isabella and Dani and of course you'd be loving on your new baby cousin Jaxon. I hope you can see it all from Heaven! Know that you will be in our hearts tomorrow and always!

Jadyn wants me to tell you that she loves to play tennis. Her and I went to play last night after work and now she wants to go play all the time. It's a perfect sport for her since she has so much energy. I wish you were here to play with us too, but I know that you are getting to do so many fun things in Heaven.

I just want you to know that I miss your sassy comments, the sound of your voice and your laugh. I miss your hugs, your love and your beautiful face. Daddy and I will miss you the rest of our lives. We love you!
Mom

Sunday, July 13, 2008 8:30 AM CDT

Sorry for the long delay. The kids were gone all week, off on an adventure with their two cousins and Nana and Papa, to the Black Hills. With them being gone, it was so quiet around here. Not much to write about!

Nana and Papa pulled into the driveway at 11pm last night. The dogs and I, flew out the door to greet the kids, who were excited to be home but tired from being in the car for so long. (9-10 hours) They came into the house, each of them showing us their treasures (mostly rocks they bought :0))and telling stories of their 6 day trip. They had a lot of fun visiting Mt. Rushmore, Crazyhorse, Deadwood, caves and old mines and exploring that beautiful section of South Dakota. They stayed in a house (they say reminded them of the cabin) that had a hot tub and 4 bedrooms. It sounds like it was beautiful and one night when Jadyn called home, she told me that there were 3 deer right by the window she was looking out. She then went out the door and scared them away.

What a great experience for them, to hang out with their grandparents and cousins, and visit such a wonderful place! This trip was originally supposed to happen last summer. We had talked about renting a motorhome and driving out there with the entire family, including Scott and I and McKenna. Then McKenna's cancer came back and the plans were totally forgotten. All plans for everything were halted as we battled through the day to day Dr. appointments, chemo drips, radiation treatments, surgeries and hospital stays. It sucked, but I'd give anything to have it all back again, along with our brave girl. I'll never stop missing her sweet voice and her beautiful face. I'd give anything to be able to touch her, see her, smell her. For now, I'll just have to live with all the memories and thank God for our 10 years of loving her. For that, we are truly blessed.

Jadyn has become my little "cuddle bug" now. I think she senses that I need her in this way. She sits on my lap and cuddles with me as we watch TV or do anything around the house. McKenna used to be my cuddler. Jadyn was always too busy and hyper to "hang" with me, and Kalen, well Kalen just wants me to scratch his back all the time! Yep, I miss cuddling with Kenna, but Jadyn has sure taken over that duty! I love it!

I'm looking forward to seeing Leighsa and her beautiful (1 year-post-BMT) daughter, Cameron, later this month, as they come back to MN for their one year workup at the U. She's the same age as McKenna and she was in the BMT ward with us last year. Her favorite color has always been PINK and she has a special place in my heart! On Haloween at the hospital, her and her mom, went from station to station trick-or-treating, via a wheelchair, and then they came to see me and gave me McKenna's treat bag. They trick-or-treated for her too! Of course Kenna never got to enjoy the treats, but it just meant so much to have such caring friends, praying for us and supporting us. They live in Memphis, so of course we'll have to go down and visit them too someday! Just as we'll need to get to South Carolina to visit the Gardner's and California to see the Cousineau's. So many friends!! ;0)

Also, I got an invite from Catharina Field, Kyle's mom, for a 1 year post transplant, BMT birthday party for him. It's next Saturday, the 19th. What an awesome day for a celebration! I'm hoping to go but there is a LOT going on that day. I'm also planning to go to my first bookclub meeting in the morning (yes I'm a book nerd!) and I have a Team in Training reunion dinner party. Can't wait to see all my new running friends and see how everybody is doing.

Hope everybody is having a great summer!
Krista

Thursday, July 3, 2008 9:30 PM CDT

July 5, 2008 9:08pm
I miss you Boo Boo Girl! How were the fireworks in Heaven? I bet they were beautiful. Did you get to watch them with all your new friends? Whose lap did you get to sit on? Grandpa's, Uncle Brian's or your Grandmas' Vel or Hattie? We love you and miss you so much. I know you know that already and I know you are there for me when I get sad wishing you were here. I am so glad I got to be your mom. Tell Jesus thank you for the beautiful gift...YOU. We are so grateful for the 10 years of loving you and being loved by you. We are so lucky! I can't wait to see you again little monkey girl! Have fun in Heaven and "Don't forget to remember me!"
((mom))

Thursday, July 3, 2008

What if I woke up in the morning and found out that the last 7 months of my life had just been a horrible nightmare? What would we be doing this year on the 4th of July? With the long weekend ahead, I'm sure we'd already be up at the Lake hanging out in the 4-season porch with the entire family and all the dogs, working on a puzzle or playing cards. The lake would be smooth and calm like glass and the mosquitoes would be starting to disappear for the night. McKenna would be wowing us with her card playing skills. Rummy 500 and Gin were her favorites and she often beat us all. She was so good at cards. None of the other kids could even come close. She was our card shark protege! A little later, we'd all go sit by the fire and poke sticks into the hot coals. We'd be pointing out the big dipper and watching for satelites cruising across the night sky. You can see so many stars up there, so far from the city lights. We'd roast marshmallows and make smores and we'd all have sticky fingers as we went into the cabin for the night. Everybody would take turns going to the bathroom (this is reality, not a fairytale!)and getting ready for bed. The kids would have to have some sort of a bedtime snack at the kitchen table as Papa and Nana watched the news on the TV in the living room. Then we'd all have to listen to Jadyn and McKenna fighting over which bed they got to sleep in. Somebody would end up crying and somebody would end up snug-as-a-bug in their prized sleeping spot. Kalen would be happily laying on the Futon couch (his favorite spot) ignoring his sisters' "drama episode" of who got to sleep on the pullout couch and who got to sleep on the small twin bed in our room. Eventually it would get settled and Scott and I would turn out the lights after kissing and hugging them all good night. Jadyn and McKenna would repeat numerous times that they love us and "Don't let the bedbugs bite" and "Sweet Dreams Mommy and Daddy". The dogs would all find a comfy place on all of our beds for the night and everything would be perfect........... If only.....

Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. Here are some journal entries from this time last year.

Remembering McKenna:

Sunday, July 8, 2007 4:27 PM CDT

We had a great weekend! The kids came home from the lake on Friday night. Saturday, we went to the Mall of America to watch Gary and Rose get married on 7-7-7! McKenna and Jadyn got to walk down the aisle with them, and 50 other couples! It was really fun and Gary and Rose are FINALLY married after 16 years of being together! It's about time! Rose told me I could announce it here as they didn't tell everybody about it. :0) Rose and Gary even took time out of their special day to go visit Gwen and Dylan at the hospital. That was so sweet of them to do! They told the nurses to tell them that the "Goat People" were there to see them! I guess it took a second for Gwen to realize who it was! Of course it was Rose and Gary whose goats and horses we visited last week! After the wedding, we did a little shopping, at the mall and Ikea, then went to the Water Park of America where we spent the night. We were finally able to use the gift card given to us by my work!! It was AWESOME!! The kids LOVED the water slides and the arcade. All of us went down every slide, many times! It was 100 degrees outside so it was a great relief and so much fun to spend the day in the water! Even Nana went down all the slides--except the long body tube ride, which I told her was REALLY scary!

We went swimming and tried all the slides again this morning before coming home. Now, we're just trying to catch up on laundry and hanging out watching TV. We are all pretty tired! McKenna did so great all weekend! She was on the go the entire time. She is really starting to look and feel like herself again. I'll be talking with Dr. Verneris' offfice tomorrow to see what Dr. Maddaus and he decided. Dr. Maddaus is out of the office now until July 30th so the upcoming X-ray will be viewed by one of his associates.

I think we'll be starting the workup soon. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers! They're definitely being heard!
Love,
Krista

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Wednesday, July 4, 2007 1:16 PM CDT

McKenna's chest X-ray and visit with Dr. Maddaus went fine yesterday. Kenna was happy to see her FAVORITE doctor! The air bubble in her lung is still the same size and has not grown or changed in anyway. He will be talking with Dr. Verneris over the next couple of days to discuss the upcoming workup and transplant for McKenna. When he gives the green light we'll go ahead with it all. It sounds like he wants her to recover for another week or two before hitting her with any chemo. He ordered another chest x-ray for Monday...so maybe we'll have a more definitive plan next week.
Today,all the kids and the cousins are all up at the lake with Nana and Papa. Mary called me at noon to let me know that they were all swimming and getting ready to go tubing behind the boat. She said that McKenna is SO extremely happy to be up there and she told her so this morning. That's awesome! The kids need a break from reality for a while. Scott and I won't be going up to the lake at all since we both have to work tomorrow and Friday. Bummer! Oh well! Maybe it's good for the kids to have a break from us too!
Maybe Scott and I will go catch some fireworks somewhere tonight and have a couple cocktails! :0) Sounds good to me!
Thanks for checking up on us!
Love,
Krista

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Monday, July 2, 2007 5:17 PM CDT

We all had a really fun weekend. On Saturday we went to Menomonie, WI to visit Uncle Gary and Rose. We went to their farm and played with their goats and horses. We even got to go on a hayride and the kids loved it. It was fun watching all the kids enjoy themselves...especially Dylan and McKenna. Last night, we lit off a bunch of fireworks in our front yard. Katya from across the street came over too to have some fun. There were some great moments but it was all bittersweet for us parents. We loved watching them have fun, but we also realized that there wouldn't be much fun again for a LONG time.
Late this afternoon, we dropped Gwen and Dylan off at the Ronald McDonald House. Dylan goes in tomorrow for his Hickman placement(surgery)his first round of chemo and admission into the BMT ward. It was sad to say goodbye to them today, but of course, we'll be seeing them soon. It's been AWESOME getting to know them both. Please pray for Dylan and his entire family!
McKenna is doing good....physically. Emotionally she is still not herself. She is happy one moment and then extremely crabby the next. She's been very temperamental and I'm not sure what's going on with her. Kalen has also had some breakdowns lately. I think it's time for some counselling for everybody! I need to check into that tomorrow.
Kenna has a chest Xray and a visit with Dr. Maddaus tomorrow. Hopefully, we'll get good news about her lung. She's been fever free and hasn't had any pain or shortness of breath, so I'm assuming everything will look fine. Maybe he'll be able to give us a go-ahead date for her transplant. It would be really nice to know when she'll be going in so we can plan the next month or two. Life is so crazy right now!
I'll update again tomorrow with news from her Xray.

Love you all!
Krista

Dylan's site:
www.caringbridge.org/visit/dylangardner

Thursday, June 26, 2008 8:33 PM CDT

Tomorrow marks 7 months since Miss McKenna Girl went to Heaven to be with the angels. Only 7 months?? At times, it seems like she just left and at others, it seems like forever. We miss her every second of every day but we are getting used to that emptiness and the silence of her missing voice. She is never out of our minds and every day goes by with us thinking of her, talking about her and remembering our drama queen princess. We'll never be the same, but we are getting used to our new family of four and trying to make the most of every day.

We had a great time at the Relay for Life last week. Many friends, family and neighbors came to the event to walk in memory of our girl. I was so proud to see everybody walking with one single corporate sponsor on the backs of their T-shirts: Allianz!! I had no idea until I got there and it was just one more reminder of why I'm proud to be an Allianz employee. When the luminarias were lit, McKenna's name and face glowed on many, made with love by her friends and family. Her best friends from school were there with us, Maddy Peterson (best friend since kindergarten), Annie, Carrie and neighbor Katya. Annie was born on the same day as Kenna and Kenna often told their friends that they laid next to eachother in the hospital nursery. Annie told me that, in McKenna's sassy voice, and it made me smile and think "Yep, that's McKenna!" It was a beautiful night and a beautiful way to celebrate all those who have suffered, fought, won and lost the battle to cancer.

I LOVE my sister Brittany's pictures and post about meeting our neighbors at their Relay! What a small world! Kyla was another good friend of Kenna's and I'm glad they met my sis and her girls! Bella and Dani--I love you girls and can't wait to see you and meet your new baby brother Jaxon!! Brit, hurry up and have him already!

We went to Rose and Gary's farm in Menomonie, WI on Sunday. They have 4 horses, a new mule (donkey and a miniature pony mix, so it's tiny) a herd of goats with cute little babies (called kids) and all of them have names. One of their bottle fed babies is named McFoo (after Boo Boo McFoo) and she is so cute! McKenna would have loved her! The day was really fun, but in Johnson style, we ended the day in the emergency room! Jadyn was riding one of the ponies at the neighbor's house and the saddle slipped down onto the side of the pony and Jadyn fell off. Since the saddle was still attached to the horse, the horse got spooked and stepped on her and then kicked her as she ran away, then she ran wildly around the arena a few times, bucking and kicking, until her owner finally got her to stop. Jadyn laid in the middle of the arena screaming. She had some grass stains and dirt on her shoulder and hip and a red mark from the hooves on her arm. ANYWAY---her arm was hurt and we headed into the ER for an X-ray. THANK GOD it wasn't broken! If it had been, she'd have been in a full arm cast for the entire summer!!! That would have been horrible! So anyway, that was our exciting trip to Menomonie! :0)

Oh and one last comment about the farm...When Jadyn first started riding the pony, it started pouring rain. AS we all started running back into the barn, Rose made the comment that McKenna was playing tricks on us again. We laughed and agreed that the rain shower was definitely from Boo Boo! Then the next time Jadyn rode, she fell off and once again, we thought it was McKenna's work, paying her sister back for all the clothes Jadyn has been stealing from her closet and the treasures that she now claims are hers. :0)

Kalen gets his arm cast off tomorrow!!! YIPPEE!! I hope we can stay out of the hospital for the rest of the summer!

Hug your kids and remember how lucky you are!
Love
Krista

Thursday, June 19, 2008 9:24 PM CDT

Tomorrow, our family, friends, neighbors, classmates and more, will all be walking in the Anoka Area Relay for Life. It starts at 6pm and goes until 6am and it is being held at the Anoka County Fairgrounds. If anybody reading this wants to come join us...PLEASE DO!!! Mary has put together a team and we will have a camper trailer and a screen tent all decorated in PINK for our girl!! We will decorate Luminarias for McKenna and for all of the friends we have loved and lost over the last year, including; Sierra Turner, Sean Joyce, Micheal Zigas, Sydnee Leighann, Evan Cousineau, Aidan Williams, Mckenzie Bowman, Caroline Harmon, Jackson Spivey, and Dallas Hawkins. So many beautiful children who were taken from this world just as their lives were beginning. I pray that I will understand why someday. Also, we'll celebrate those who are still with us, cured or fighting to be cured; Chase Banken, Dylan Gardner, Megan Nurnberger, Cameron Perlish, Abby Thoma, Kyle Field, Brandon Legg, Madison McKinley and so many more! Please don't feel bad if I forgot to mention your child....I know who they are and I love them and pray for them all!!

Tomorrow is one more BITTERSWEET event as it will be the first one we've attended without our sweet McKenna. When she was first diagnosed, back in 2000, she was named the Honorary Chairperson at the 2000 Anoka Area Relay. We (Kenna and I) were interviewed by a local news channel and she got to walk in the front of the special Survivor Lap at the beginning of the ceremony. She was so cute and so little....bald, happy and wearing the cutest little hat with painted cheeks and a flower pinned to her shirt. She was 2. Then the next year we walked again and Jadyn had a sign on her back that said "Bone Marrow Donor" and McKenna had one on her back that said "Bone Marrow Transplant SURVIVOR!" Those memories are so precious to me now...such sweet memories. Tears are flowing right now as I think of them together. Kalen was there too...he got to hang out in the jail, waiting to be bailed out for a fee! He also hung out with my dad who was the DJ for the ceremony. What a fun time we all had and everytime we'd walk by the Luminarias lit up with McKenna's name and all those of our little friends, we'd smile and point. Now, seeing those luminarias lit up with her name and all of those we have lost is going to be so overwhelming...sad. But we have to do it. We have to keep honoring and remembering our girl and all the love and joy she brought to our lives. We also have to continue to raise awareness and tell her story so it may help others. I pray I am doing the right things. I'm pretty sure I am but I will continue to look for ways to make this world a better place, because she lived, loved and died. I still believe that I am the luckiest person on this earth just because I got to be her mother and mother to Kalen and Jadyn, my two other angels on earth.

The farther we go on without our girl, the harder it gets. Not the pain, grief and sadness, for that has always remained the same...but in so many other ways I can't even explain. It's about moving on, making plans for our future, and adjusting to our new lives. Everything is as if it's an open book...we can go in any direction we like. I try not to make too many commitments and I still have trouble picking up the phone and calling out to my friends and family. We stick to ourselves a lot and enjoy our "solitude" more than we used to. Scott and I haven't been up to the Lake yet and I seriously doubt that we will be able to go up at all this summer. We have done more yardwork and have painted just about EVERY wall in our house over the past few months. We have enough plans around this house to keep us busy throughout the summer. McKenna's room is still the way she left it...a few less items in her closet thanks to Jadyn borrowing a few of her favorites, but other than that, everything is still there. Our beautiful PINK princess room...what are we going to do with it all? I have found it hard to throw out anything that was hers, including all the medical bills, hospital and clinic documents and everything else that has her name on it. We have so much stuff just hanging around...someday I'll get around to organizing it all.

Well that's it for tonight. Just wanted to share where we are at. We love you all and thank you for continuing on this journey of ours. Pray for Bo Johnson! www.addiscure.org

Love,
KJ

Monday, June 16, 2008 9:31 AM CDT

My apologies for taking so long to update! Our computer at home is totally messed up and for the last week we have not had internet access. Kalen tried downloading music for his PSP and MP3 players last week and I have no idea what happened....but that was the last time we were able to get online! Thanks a lot Kale!! Now we'll probably have to call the Geek Squad to come over and figure things out since Scott and I have spent hours trying to fix the problem. Oh well!

As some of you may have read, yes, I have another adventure and a once in a lifetime experience headed my way..or I'm headed it's way. Whatever! A couple of months ago, we received an email at work, telling us about a once in a lifetime opportunity that Allianz was going to award to one lucky employee. For the chance to be the lucky employee, you had to write an essay of 500 words or less expressing why you would want or deserve the chance to go. Writing an essay under 500 words, proved to be very difficult as there was so much I wanted to say. The whole premise of my essay was the fact that I have learned the hard way, that life is short, and precious, and it is what we make of it. Of course I talked about the life and death of our sweet McKenna and all the gifts she has given me, especially courage, spirit, compassion and a strength I never knew I had. The "Once in a Lifetime" experience is HUGE and it is definitely something I would have never had the guts to do if it wasn't for my brave girl and for my need to truly live and experience life, for myself and for my girl, who never got the chance. My essay was chosen by the Sr. Leaders of our company as the winning essay. Therefore, I was chosen to go on this journey and represent my North American, Allianz Life Employee co-workers!

OKAY--so enough of that. Here's the details of the upcoming awesome adventure!! I will be headed to South Hampton, England on September 20th where I will embark on the Tenacious, a Tall Sailing Ship, she is the largest wooden tall ship of her kind to be built in the UK in the last 100 years. Her (ships are apparently all female!) Maiden Voyage was September 1, 2000. On our voyage, we will sail from South Hampton, England, visiting some of the British Isles and French isles and coastline, and will arrive at our final destination, St. Malo France on the 28th!! 9 days of sailing! This trip is designed around overcoming obstacles and realizing our potential. I will be aboard the ship with 20 able-bodied people and 20 disabled people, along with 10 permanent crew members! I will be paired up with a Buddy, somebody with a disability, and we will be together the entire trip, sailing, cooking, cleaning and doing ALL the chores on the ship, including srubbing decks, climbing tall masts and hauling ropes for the sails. There will be a lot of hard work, long hours and demanding physical labor. CRAZY! But what a wonderful opportunity to grow and challenge myself! I can't wait to experience our triumphs and hardships on the boat and I know I'll be absolutely blown away by all the things that the "disabled" people on board will be able to do! I am so excited!

Stay tuned as the trip draws near as I will have more details for you. Scott and the kids will hopefully be able to do a little traveling themselves, while I am away on this adventure. Hopefully to Arizona to visit Chad and Trina. I feel bad about going so many places without them lately. I have NEVER flown anywhere without Scott since we were married 11 1/2 years ago. Then all of a sudden, this year, I have had the opportunity to venture out on my own a couple times! We'll have to see what flight costs are in September! Hopefully we can afford a surprise trip for the kids with Dad!!

McKenna is my inspiration....look at all the miraculous things that are happening in my life right now. None of it would be possible if it wasn't for her, my little angel girl!

Thanks for checking in. The next update will be about the family and how we're dealing. I promise!

Pray for all of our CaringBridge friends!

Love,
Krista

PS. The website to find more info. out about the trip is:
http://www.jst.org.uk/
The Tenacious is the ship I'll be on.

Friday, June 6, 2008 8:21 PM CDT

Happy Birthday to Kalen! It's hard to even call him a "boy" anymore because he is already turning into a MAN! He's 12 and as of this morning, he is exactly as tall as me! After I gave him his 12 spankings and a pinch to grow an inch, we had to stand back to back in front of the mirror to see if he was taller than me yet. It's become a daily event....and over the last week, he has finally caught up with me. Not too hard since I'm only 5'1'!!! But anyway, I'm sure within the next week he'll be a little bit taller than me. He is going through a huge growth spurt. Oh, and yesterday he finally got his full-arm cast taken off and now has a smaller green one instead. He is so happy to be bending and straightening his elbow again. What a great birthday present!

Jadyn and Rosie went up the lake with Nana and Papa for the weekend.(another great birthday present for Kale--HA!) So it's just the 3 of us and Toby and Emmie here for the weekend. It seems so quiet. I'm missing our girls. Wish we would have been able to talk Jadyn into staying home with us this weekend but she had her mind set to go up to the cabin. Just like McKenna, she absolutely loves it up there. We still haven't been able to go back yet. I really dread the "first" time going up there without Kenna Girl. I am finding out just how painful all the "firsts" are without our girl. The tears come pretty easily anytime I realize we are doing something or going somewhere for the first time without her. I also get teary when we are doing something for the first time as a family and she is not there to share the experience with us. Everything seems dull, sad and not so much fun anymore. I wonder if this feeling lasts forever....or if it's just while we get through the "first" of everything??? Wish I knew.

Scott spoke this morning at a conference in Minneapolis on behalf of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, regarding his story. The LLS and KFAN radio had him speak at the Crappie Contest that was dedicated to McKenna back in April. That's when they found out that he is a great speaker and he has quite the story to tell. He speaks about McKenna, her diagnosis and struggle with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and how cancer stole her childhood and eventually her from us. He also talks about how ALL (Leukemia) killed his brother when Brian was only 16, and also how CLL (Leukemia) claimed his grandmother just prior to McKenna being diagnosed. These diseases have plagued Scott his whole life, since he was only 8 years old. Three generations have been affected and 3 members of the Johnson family have died in his lifetime from Leukemia and Lymphoma. It's just not right! I pray that someday there are more research dollars directed at determining whether these diseases are hereditary. So far, there is nothing conclusive. What do we tell Kale and JJ when it's time for them to start having families? That it's okay and that they won't have a child who has cancer? How can we tell them that when it keeps happening? ANYWAY--these are just a few of the bridges we will cross in the future. For now, I am just so proud of Scott for being able to get up there in front of 80 people and talk about our daughter, his brother and grandmother, and how the LLS is so vital in finding a cure for these cancers. He is definitely doing his part in honoring and remembering McKenna and fighting for a cure for others. What a great dad and husband! I love him!

Please pray for my friend Bo. He's had surgery after surgery and he is still in the ICU after receiving his second set of donated lungs and a tracheotomy. He is fighting for his life but seems to be turning the corner in the right direction. It's going to be a slow and difficult road to recovery for him. He's a great guy. And by the way, I didn't tell you this yet, but prior to going in for his lung transplant, he donated $5,000 of his own personal savings to HopeKids for the Allianz HopeKids Day Festival, in honor of McKenna and I. Seriously! He also sent McKenna an Angel Bear when she was in the hospital for her transplant. He is such a sweetie and so supportive of others, even though he is battling cancer himself. So PLEASE pray for him and his family! www.addiscure.org When you get there, read the update by clicking on Bo's Blog. THANK YOU!

Love,
Krista

Wednesday, June 4, 2008 8:46 PM CDT

WOW! Did we really run 13.1 miles? YES WE DID! We crossed the finish line and shared one of the best experiences of our lives. I am so amazed at all that we accomplished and so proud of all the girls on the "Miles for McKenna" team and the entire Team in Training! There were 34 of us from the Twin Cities Chapter and we all finished either the half or full marathon! We ROCKED! In addition to that, our team alone raised 28K for the LLS and the entire Team in Training, 3,400 strong, raised over 12.5 MILLION DOLLARS! Think of all the lives we've saved!!!

After experiencing the rush of crossing the finish line, and the satisfaction of raising all that money, I will definitely be doing it again! Yes...I will be signing up for another Team in Training event, as I'm sure the other girls will too, and once again we will run for our angel McKenna! Can't wait to commit to the next one and tell you all about it! I'm sure Scott will be joining me the next time around, as he can outrun all of us! :0)

One year ago today, Angel McKenna had a bi-lobectomy lung surgery. The two lower lobes of her right lung were removed and by this time at night, she was in her hospital room recovering in immense pain. I think back to that day and am still heartbroken at how much pain and suffering our little girl had to endure. She showed us all how strong and brave she was as she fought through the pain and recovered to go on and have a wonderful summer...the best ever! She was, is and will always be, my inspiration and my hero. There will never be another like her. Our world is a better place because she lived. We will never be the same without her, but we will continue to fight on in her memory. She is still so loved and missed.

Please read some of the guestbook entries..especially the one from Aunt Rose! I LOVE the post about what McKenna said to her and Gary at the benefit a year ago, yesterday. It is SO MCKENNA! HA HA!! Please also go back to the journal entries from 1 year ago and remember McKenna's struggles, victories and her endless courage. We were blessed with such a special gift...our McKenna.

I hope you are having fun in Heaven little girl! Laughing, dancing and singing up a storm with all your friends. Sitting on Jesus' lap and telling him stories of your magical life here on earth and all the love you shared. "Don't Forget to Remember Me" and daddy, and Kalen and Jadyn, for we love you and miss you with all of our hearts! Can't wait to see you and hug you again!
Thanks for helping me and the girls cross the finish line. You were with us every step of the way!
Love,
Mom

Thursday, May 29, 2008 4:05 PM CDT

With McKenna on our minds, we are all anxiously preparing for our early morning flight, that will take our Team in Training to San Diego, to run in her memory. Although I am excited about the trip, the feeling overall is still so "bittersweet." All of us will be wearing our pink "McKenna" shirts on the plane and when we run, we'll be running with hot pink signs on our backs, with her picture on it. How awesome is that? I know it is awesome and my friends are so great and supportive. But really things couldn't be much worse actually.....Because it would be so much better just to have her here with me now. We miss her so much after 6 long months.

Even though there are times when I am sad and miss my little girl intensely, I realize how blessed I am with so many things. I can't even begin to list them all because there are so many. But my biggest joy and blessing has been being a mom to our three children. And with that I will add...... "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all".

PRAYERS NEEDED for my good friend, Bo Johnson, as he has just received two new lungs at Duke University Medical Center. Please also pray for the family of the donor. Bo is a 35 yo who has had stage 4 lung cancer since 2006. He has NEVER smoked!!! Go figure! He has a wife named Christi and a little girl named named Addi. Bo has been a HUGE supporter of Kenna's journey and has prayed often for us. Now we need to keep him in ours! Please go to www.addiscure.org and click on Bo's Blog.

ALSO--Please say a prayer for my new little friend Megan Nurnberger, and her mom Vicki. Megan was just diagnosed with Leukemia on May 9th. She is 10 years old (like McKenna), and has an "M" name (like McKenna), is adorable and sweet and loves pink (like McKenna) and her mom works at Allianz with me!! CRAZY! Megan's website is: www.caringbridge.org/visit/megannurnberger Please add her and her family to your daily prayers.

See all you runners and Leukemia and Lymphoma warriors in Sunny San Diego!!!

Love,
KJ

Wednesday, May 21, 2008 8:25 PM CDT

My thoughts and prayers have been with the Lawson's and the Cousineaus as their precious children went into surgery today to donate and receive a healthy new kidney. I'm sure many of McKenna's CB faithful are already aware and have been praying alongside me today but for those who are just checking in, here is Kelly's post from Dom's site:
www.caringbridge.org/visit/dominiklawson1

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21, 2008 02:53 PM, CDT
O.k. 2:55 and just spoke with Dr. Humar---Glory to God--Dom has a functioning, working, pink, healthy KIDNEY and is PEEING!!!!!!! They are closing him up right now and then will be taking him to recovery so I can see him soon. So we are over that hurdle, now to pray for a healthy-uneventful recovery for Mary and Dom both. Gina just went up to the 6th floor to be with Mary, the report from the nurse was she is doing wonderfully. Cant wait to see her and give her a big hug! Unbelievable--Please keep the prayers coming-- Always--the gang at the U of M...

AND Travis' post from Evan's site:
www.caringbridge.org/visit/evancousineau

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21, 2008 04:27 PM, CDT
Just here to inform those faithful CB readers,
Mary is fast asleep, has been for the past hour. She is doing well, looks great, and also everything went well with the transplant. From what I am told, Dom is really using his new kidney and peeing up a storm. Which is just fantastic to hear, I haven't had the chance to see him, but pretty much everyone else has, so I am wanting to visit as soon as I can.
Gina is next to Mary asleep, All is quiet in here Unit 6B, short-term home here at the U. Well don't bash on this first time poster, only here to give you a quick update on the situation. Lets keep Mary and Dom in our prayers, as to hoping everything stays on course with this transplant.

Everybody please take a moment to PRAY for little Dominik and his new healthy kidney and for a speedy recovery for Mary. Theirs is a story of love, sacrifice, faith, courage, and destiny...all rolled into one hell of a miracle!!

McKenna is doing the Happy Dance in Heaven tonight! Or maybe it's the "sprinkler" or the "Brick Wall, Waterfall" chant...whatever! I know she's there with Evan...dancing and laughing in Heaven. Our beautiful children are so missed....

For all those who are wondering...We leave for San Diego next Friday, the 29th with TNT. We run on Sunday, June 1st, in the marathon and return home Monday evening. Our Miles for McKenna Team of 7 girls has raised close to $30,000 for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society!!!! WOO HOO!!! WE WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE AND SAVE LIVES!!! THANK YOU FOR ALL THE SUPPORT!!!!

Krista

Thursday, May 15, 2008 8:37 PM CDT

Yeah--that's right, Kalen broke his arm yesterday! He was riding his bike and says he ran over a rock. To break his fall, he put out his right arm and yup, it broke! When I got home from work, Kalen and Scott were standing in the kitchen and Scott was telling him to go put ice on it. He didn't think it was too bad. Well, I took one look at his arm and said "I've got to bring him to the doctor"! SO, the trip to Urgent Care and Xrays confirmed it was broke. He wore a splint and a sling home last night and today his arm was put into a full-arm cast. His arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle for the next couple of weeks! Then hopefully he'll get a new shorter cast. GEEZ...can't we get a break??? Poor Kid! Guess he won't be doing to much in the early summer months this year! BUMMER!

This Sunday is our last TNT fund-raising event. It's going to be at Park Tavern in St. Louis Park from 5:30-7:00 pm. There will be a Silent Auction, prize giveaways and of course bowling! Adults are $20 each and kids 14 and under are FREE! This includes bowling, shoe rental, appetizers and cake. Please come if you can and invite anybody who'd be interested! We are all so amazed at the amount of support we've received! It's going to feel so good to run in San Diego with McKenna's name and pictures on our backs. Kenna would be so proud of all of us! Wish she was coming along, physically. I know she'll be there with us in our hearts and watching from above.

Please pray for our friends as the date of their lifesaving kidney transplant/donor surgery draws near. Dominik Lawson and Mary Cousineau. Dom is being given the gift of life from Mary...Evan would be so proud of his big sis for doing something so huge! What a courageous and loving thing to do! AMAZING!! I'm praying every day for a safe surgery for Mary and for Dom's body to accept the new kidney.
You can follow along at:
www.caringbridge.org/visit/dominiklawson1
www.caringbridge.org/visit/evancousineau

Allianz will once again be the sponsor for the "Allianz HopeKids Day Festival". My friend, Eric thomes, has helped to secure our lead sponsorship role and has also brought on his/my friend Bo Johnson to be the sponsor for the food court. It's amazing really...if you remember from previous posts, Bo is from North Carolina and is currently awaiting a life saving Lung Transplant. He has been fighting Stage 4 lung cancer and he is only in his 30's. His daughter Addi, has been his and his wife Christi's inspiration to start an organization to raise money for lung cancer research. Please go to www.addiscure.org to learn more about it and send Bo a message of encouragement. You should definitely read Bo's Blog. You will fall in love with this man and his story will make you appreciate all the little things in life...he is so strong!!! Keep fighting Bo! This world needs you! We love you!

Hug and love your kids even more today...just because you can.
Love
KJ

Sunday, May 11, 2008 9:42 PM CDT

Well, I can tell you that this weekend was pretty tough. The kids and the dogs went up to the Lake with Nana and Papa. Scott and I stayed home for the weekend...still can't bring ourselves to go up to the cabin. The Lake was McKenna's most favorite place in the world. Eventually we'll get up there. For now, it's just too hard to imagine going up there without our Boo Boo. She would have been riding around on the 4wheelers this weekend, and walking down the driveway with the dogs, and hanging out with Kalen poking sticks into the firepit. She truly loved it up there...we all did..or do, whatever! We'll see!

I want to let you know that McKenna was very much on our minds this weekend and everything seemed to remind us of her. Friday night, Scott and I watched 27 Dresses. Scott didn't want to watch a "Chick Flick" but I put it in anyway. As we watched the movie, I thought of how McKenna would have liked it. Then at the end of the movie, the second name that came on the credits, was somebody with the last name of MCKENNA!!! Then on Saturday, Scott and I, went to the TNT run at Lake Nokomis. We were supposed to run all the way to Lake Harriet and back but we ended up taking a wrong turn and went in the opposite direction. The funny thing is, that we ended up at Minnehaha Falls. The last time we had been there was last summer with Jadyn and McKenna. We rented a bike for 4 and rode around the trails with the girls and of course hiked down to the falls together. We have pictures of me and the girls that day, throwing pennies into the falls and making wishes. SO--the wrong turn, turned out to be the right one. McKenna was definitely there, leading us along the way to a place that held special memories of our time with her. THEN, Scott and I watched another movie last night, Shooter. The main character is a sniper and in one of the scenes he was target practicing. Guess what his target was..... A can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew!!! Those of you who knew McKenna or even kept up with my jouraling over the years, knows that one of McKenna's favorites was Dinty Moore stew. She could eat that stuff every night, if we would have let her! THEN today....Jadyn was watching the Disney Channel and it just so happened that the Lizzy Maguire Movie was going to be on. So she watched that and sang along to the song...."This is what dreams are made of". McKenna used to sing that all the time! LASTLY, Forest Gump was also on tonight..another McKenna favorite.

You may think I am a being a little over obsessive..I have wondered the same thing, but I truly believe all these little reminders of McKenna this weekend were meant to be. I'm so positive that she is still here with us and wanting us to remember all the good times and special moments. We do baby girl...All of them!

Somebody dropped off a package by our door last night or this morning. It was a Mother's Day present from McKenna and there was a card...from McKenna, a snowglobe with an Angel, and an Angel ornament. I bawled of course, but was so touched that somebody would think of doing that. I think I know who it was...THANK YOU!!!

Although I spent a good deal of the weekend feeling sad, I did also realize how blessed I am, to be a mother to Kalen and Jadyn and to have been a mother to McKenna. I am the luckiest mom on this earth!! Jadyn made me a little picture book of why she loves me so much. It's awesome!

To all the mom's out there who spent their first Mother's Day without their child, I am here with you! I know your pain and sadness...you are definitely not alone.

Praying for all the mom's still hoping and praying that their children will be cured.

Krista

Tuesday, May 6, 2008 9:19 PM CDT

This Saturday Janell stopped by with a gift for our family. She brought us a beautiful Healing Hands quilt....with all of your hands and loving messages on it. She also brought us a scrapbook filled with memories of McKenna including pictures, artwork, journal entries by Kenna Girl, report cards, and some of her early school work. So many loving memories of our girl and our family. So many hands of love and support featured on the quilt and in the "Healing Hands" book. So much love for our girl! THANK YOU to all of you for sending your hands to Janell and THANK YOU to Janell and her friends at church who worked on this quilt. It was definitely made with a lot of love. It is SO beautiful!

Tonight, Katya Jones(McKenna and Jadyn's neighbor friend) and Jadyn sat on our couch and looked through the books, stared at her pictures and read through the messages and her journal entries together. It was heartwrenching as they read them aloud....but also so sweet. One of the items they read out loud was "About Me" from Kenna's 2nd grade year.
Name: McKenna
Nickname: McFoo
My Height: 47 inches
My Weight: 46 pounds
My Hair Color: Brown
My favorite book: I Spy
My Favorite Movie: Lizzey McGwyer The Movie
My Favorite School Subject: Gym
My Favorite Color: Light Blue (not pink that day!)
My Favorite Song: Blues
My Favorite TV Show: Hannah Montana
My Favorite Food: Guamanian Spaghetti
My Favorite Celebrity: Usher
My Favorite Sport: Kickball
My Favorite Hobby: Soccer
My Favorite Animal: Dog

And a letter from her Kindergarten Teacher whom she loved dearly:
Dear McKenna,
You are so wonderful and I am glad you were in my class this year. You are beautiful inside and out. Always remember that I think you are special and very smart. Visit me next year!
Love,
Mrs. Thomsen

And a letter from my friend after her death:
Thinking of McKenna and what she shared with me....
I am reminded not to feel sorry for myself.
To be a warrior
To be a fighter

And finally...McKenna's own journal entry:
5-13-05
I love you Nana and Papa. I love you Mom and Dad! I have the world!

This is the McKenna we all love and miss. Our hearts are still crushed by the pain of losing her. We still wonder how we will get through this life without her. My tears and thoughts of her still keep me awake at night, even after my dose of Ativan, melatonin and ibuprofen. I lay awake most of the night remembering her and wishing she were still here. If only for one more moment, one more hug, one more "I love you mommy". I want to brush her beautiful golden brown hair and feel it's softness one more time. I want to touch her soft skin and kiss her cute little nose. I want to hear her voice and see her smile. I am denied all of these things...because cancer is so cruel and harsh. Please help us continue to fight...in her memory!!

Save a life and give hope by donating blood and registering with the National Marrow Donor Program. Do it for all the mom's and dad's out there suffering, just like us.

Okay---enough of my babbling. Another sad night, watching American Idol without my girl!
Krista

Thursday, May 1, 2008 9:26 PM CDT

Mary posted about the shirts last night, after I posted about the MIRACLE that is happening. Please read my journal entry too! I'm pasting it at the bottom of this one.

PINK MCKENNA T-SHIRTS ------BLACK ROCKIN T-SHIRTS
PLEASE GO TO PHOTOS AND SEE PICTURES OF THE T-SHIRTS...
KRISTA AND 6 BRAVE FRIENDS ARE TRAINING HARD TO DO THE ROCK AND ROLL MARATHON JUNE 1ST IN SAN DIEGO,,,,,THEY PLEDGED TO RAISE OVER $28,000.00 FOR THE LEUKEMIA & LYMPHOMA SOCIETY....ONE OF THE IDEAS WAS THE T-SHIRTS AND THEY SOLD OUT TOO FAST! WE NEED TO ORDER MORE!!!!!!!
THE SHIRTS ARE 12.00 EACH
SIZES ARE S,M L,XL,XXL,XXXL
WE ARE TAKING ORDERS NOW UNTIL MAY 15TH AND SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAIL THEM OUT IN 2-3 WEEKS AFTER THAT...
SEND ME A CHECK WITH SIZES AND COLOR
MARY JOHNSON
861 38TH LANE
ANOKA,MN.55303
PHONE # 7634218803 EMAIL;maryjohnson861@msn.com

PINK
MILES IN MEMORY OF HER SMILES
OCTOBER 29,1997-NOVEMBER27,2007
10 AMAZING YEARS
OUR FAVORITE PICTURE
HER ACTUAL SIGNATURE
TEAM IN TRAINING LOGO

BLACK
ROCKIN FOR A CURE
LEUKEMIA AND LYMPHOMA [green letters]
GREEN GUITAR IN MIDDLE

PLEASE REMEMBER TO ORDER BY MAY 15TH,WE ARE ONLY ORDERING WHAT WE NEED!!!

Thursday, May 1, 2008 9:01 PM CDT

I wasn't going to post tonight. But then I ventured to Evan's site--to see his beautiful face and find out how the Cousineau's are doing. From there, I went to Dominik Lawson's site because of the compelling words that Gina had posted. I had to come back here to post so that all of McKenna's followers can be witness to a miracle in the making!!

I am sitting here in shock, tears literally streaming down my face....tears of amazing joy and happiness. The most incredible miracle has happened to these two families, whom I've come to love and know through the struggles and devastation of our children's diseases. It is simply the most beautiful occurrence that I have ever witnessed and I know that God is answering our prayers....even though I thought he must have been too busy to listen. :)

Please go to Evan's site first
www.caringbridge.org/visit/evancousineau

Then go to Dom's
www.caringbridge.org/visit/dominiklawson1

I would like all of you to witness the strength, love, courage, faith, compassion and bravery that makes these people so special. Please say a prayer for Dominik and family. Please also pray for Mary and her's. Each of these families have been through so much over the last year. They truly deserve the miracle of "giving" and "receiving" life from each other. I am so happy for all of them!!!

Continue to PRAY! It's working!

Angel McKenna is watching over them all!

Love,
Krista

Thursday, May 1, 2008 9:03 PM CDT

THE PINK T-SHIRTS THAT THE GALS ARE WEARING ARE FOR SALE!!!!!!!!KRISTA AND 6 BRAVE FRIENDS ARE TRAINING HARD TO RUN ON JUNE 1ST IN SAN DIEGO.....THEY NEED TO RAISE ABOUT 26,OOO.OO TO GO AND TIME IS RUNNING OUT.....
THE SHIRTS COME IN SIZES:S=SMALL
M=MEDIUM
L=LARGE
XL=EXTRA LARGE
XXL and XXXL
THE COST IS 12.00 EACH AND WE WILL SHIP THEM TO YOU,,, WE NEED TO PRESELL THEM;;;;PLEASE SEND A CHECK,CASH?,MONEY ORDER AND LET ME KNOW WHAT SIZES AND HOW MANY...
MARY JOHNSON
861 38TH LANE
ANOKA,MN.55303
PHONE # 763-421-8803 EMAIL;maryjohnson861@msn.com

WE NEED ALL ORDERS BY MAY 15TH
THE WORDS ON THEM ARE;
MILES IN MEMORY OF HER SMILES
OCTOBER 29,1997-NOVEMBER 27,2007
10 AMAZING YEARS
!!!!!!! HER BEAUTIFUL PICTURE!!!!!!!!
MCKENNA'S SIGNATURE
TEAM IN TRAINING LOGO
ALSO GO TO PHOTOS AND SEE THE T-SHIRTS UP CLOSE, WE HAVE A BLACK ONES SAME PRICE AND SIZES!!!!
ROCKIN' FOR A CURE
LEUKEMIA ON ONE SIDE,,,,LYMPHOMA ON THE OTHER SIDE
THE GUITAR IN THE MIDDLE

AFTER MAY 15TH ,THE SHIRTS SHOULD BE READY IN 2-3 WEEKS AND IN THE MAIL TO YOU!!!

Thursday, May 1, 2008 9:03 PM CDT

Thursday, May 1, 2008 9:01 PM CDT

I wasn't going to post tonight. But then I ventured to Evan's site--to see his beautiful face and find out how the Cousineau's are doing. From there, I went to Dominik Lawson's site because of the compelling words that Gina had posted. I had to come back here to post so that all of McKenna's followers can be witness to a miracle in the making!!

I am sitting here in shock, tears literally streaming down my face....tears of amazing joy and happiness. The most incredible miracle has happened to these two families, whom I've come to love and know through the struggles and devastation of our children's diseases. It is simply the most beautiful occurrence that I have ever witnessed and I know that God is answering our prayers....even though I thought he must have been to busy to listen. :)

Please go to Evan's site first
www.caringbridge.org/visit/evancousineau

Then go to Dom's
www.caringbridge.org/visit/dominiklawson1

I would like all of you to witness the strength, love, courage, faith, compassion and bravery that makes these people so special. Please say a prayer for Dominik and family. Please also pray for Mary and her's. Each of these families have been through so much over the last year. They truly deserve the miracle of "giving" and "receiving" life from each other. I am so happy for all of them!!!

Continue to PRAY! It's working!

Angel McKenna is watching over them all!

Love,
Krista

Monday, April 28, 2008 5:08 PM CDT

Time has flown by over the last week. We have been so busy! First of all on Thursday night, we went to the High School Musical dress rehearsal production at the Anoka High School. I organized this event for the HopeKids organization and the turnout for it was great! Also the highschoolers did a really good job and the HopeKids families and friends had a lot of fun watching and singing along. A couple of the little boys were dancing in the aisles....that was so cute. There were also a lot of McKenna's friends there from Wilson Elementary and they were all wearing their Pink McKenna shirts. Brought tears to my eyes, especially when I was spying on the girls from the back row and saw Maddy, Annie and Amanda singing along to their favorite songs. These were McKenna's best friends. She should have been right there with them, singing along and having fun.

I also saw Dominik Lawson (caringbridge.org/visit/dominiklawson1)and family! Kelly brought all the kids to the show. How great to see them! Reminds me that I should visit them at the Ronald McDonald House or offer for them to come out with us or come stay with us for a weekend or something! HMM...if we ever had time!

Friday night, we launched our boat on Lake Minnetonka and parked it at Scott and Stephanie Thoma's house. They are parents to Sam (5) and Abby (8). Abby is a Leukemia survivor and we met them through LLS for the first time 1 year ago at the 2007 Crappie contest. ANYWAY--we launched the boat in the rain and didn't think it could get much worse than that. We were wrong!!! It snowed!! DISGUSTING! We got to the boat at 9am and the boat was covered in snow. We scooped it all out and wiped the boat down with towels and then attempted to go fishing in the snow and wind. Didn't last long! It was so windy that our anchor didn't want to keep us in one place and before we could even get all of our rods in the water, we decided to just head back in. We were miserable! I honestly think McKenna was playing tricks on us and was sending us snow from Heaven. Why else would it snow at the end of April??? HOWEVER, she must have given us her luck when we got to Lord Fletchers because we ended up winning all kinds of stuff with our raffle tickets and the Silent Auction. Everyone at our table won a couple of times! GOOD STUFF!! It was really fun. Scott also spoke at the event and had the crowd in tears...however, he stayed strong and did an amazing job telling everybody about the LLS' mission and how he has been affected by Leukemia (losing his brother and grandmother) and Lymphoma (losing his daughter). He was also interviewed by Kare 11. I'll post new pictures soon.

Come join us for our next "Miles for McKenna" Team in Training fund raiser this Friday, May 2nd at Bennigan's in St. Louis Park. Right off 394. This is an old fashioned Beer Bust and we are selling glasses for $10 and from 5-7pm you will get free beer. Come on out and help us save lives!!!

OH--I can't figure out how to put a link on this page...but here is the address for a video that the Cousineau's made, encouraging registering for Bone Marrow Donation. All of the kids that lived and died with us on 4A and the ICU at the UofM are featured here. I watched the video with tears rolling down my cheeks. I was able to name almost all of them...some of them had passed before we even got to the 4A unit. What a sad reality that only 4 of the children pictured are alive today. Kyle, Cameron, Levi and Dylan....our heroes, whom we will follow, love and cherish, as if they were our own, for the rest of our lives. Thanks to their parents who allow us to love on them! It helps with the sadness and loss of missing our own children. Please copy and paste this address into your web browser and watch the video. Then take the next step and find out when the next donor drive is going on in your area. (www.marrow.org)
PLEASE WATCH!!!
http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=596d90998f321c831aac49&skin_id=601&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

Saturday, April 19, 2008 7:41 PM CDT

McKenna has a new friend in Heaven. Princess Caroline passed away on Thursday afternoon and joined Princess McKenna Girl and all the other children in Heaven. There are more broken hearts here on earth but OH HOW HEAVEN MUST BE SO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL, WITH THE ADDITION OF YET ONE MORE BEAUTIFUL SOUL! I can't wait for the day when I will get to enter that paradise and see all of their beautiful, smiling faces again. That is definitely one thing that has changed in my life. I will never fear dying again. My McKenna has shown me that there is nothing to fear...that we all must go one day, and that everything will be okay. She was so brave...and that must be why she went first...before her mother who has always feared dying and death. Never again. Instead, I will look forward to that day when I will get to meet Jesus and see my beautiful baby girl again.

Take care of Princes Caroline Kenna Girl and make sure you show her all the best spots to hang out and play! I know that you were waiting for her to come.....Always watching out for the little ones! Such a good big sister and friend you are and so loving like a little mother hen! I'm so glad you have some friends with you in Heaven...so many sweet, little children that you knew here on earth. Take care of them little angel! I know you will!

We will be fishing in the Crappie Contest on Lake Minneotonka next Saturday, the 26th. The contest is sponsored by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, Gander Mountain and some other companies. The LLS has asked if this year's contest could be dedicated to McKenna. OF COURSE!!! She is now the "face" and "name" that is raising money and awareness for the LLS in this contest, The Country Music Marathon in Nashville (being run on Saturday the 26th also), The Hike for a Discovery Program, and various other events that have been held in an effort to raise money for the Society and Team in Training. She was an Honored Teammate for Team in Training last year, and was also on Honored Hero for the Pennies for Patients Program that in Minnesota alone, raised over $640K last year, for research! AMAZING! I am still finding Team in Training sites from all over the country, that feature McKenna's picture and story. I am so proud of our little girl! She is still bringing so much awareness, compassion and passion to those living with Lymphoma and Leukemia and to those who are fighting to cure them! She is such an inspiration to us all!

Jadyn and Kalen are up at the cabin with Nana and Papa this weekend. They took all the doggies with them. Scott and I are just hanging out at home, catching up on some of our Netflix movies! We went out today and met up with my fellow Teammates and friends, Nicole and Josie. We also ran 4.5 miles today. Tomorrow, Josie is coming over and we will run again....maybe we'll even try for 7-8 miles...??? If my legs don't fall off!!! :0)

My friend from Cali...Claire Stopher, whose son also has ALCL, sent me the most beautiful PINK ribbon car magnets with McKenna's face on them. We just got them out of the mailbox this morning and both Scott and I sat at the kitchen table and cried. The ribbons say: In Memory Of Sweet Princess McKenna. Cure Childhood Cancer! They are so pretty!!! And it was such a nice surprise! THANK YOU!!! We will definitely be ordering more to sell for Team in Training and the LLS. I'll probably buy 100 a hundred for myself and put them up EVERYWHERE possible!

Now that Caroline is safely in Heaven with McKenna and all their friends, we must continue to pray for our friends who continue to fight. Please visit and pray for our friends!
www.caringbridge.org/visit/
cameronperlish
dylangardner
kylefield
levistephens
chasebanken
brandonlegg
dominiklawson1

Prayers and love also to our angels in Heaven;
Our princess McKenna
www.caringbridge.org/visit
sierraturner
seanjoyce
michealzigas
evancousineau
ryanandtylerverkaik
sidneeleighann
joelwagner
carolineharmon
ellenhe
aidanwilliams
jacksonspivey
mckenziebowman
dallashawkins
AND SO MANY MORE PRECIOUS CHILDREN! LOVE, HUGS AND KISSES TO ALL OF OUR LITTLE FIGHTERS! WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU ALL!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008 7:39 PM CDT

We beat the tax deadline by a few hours. We finally got around to filing last night via the internet. It was the last thing in the world I felt like doing and therefore put it off as long as possible. :0)

Jadyn moved out of McKenna's old room and moved back into her room. She said that McKenna was mad at her and was trying to scare her at night and make her have bad dreams. She thinks McKenna is mad at her, all the way from Heaven, for being in her room! Actually, she hasn't really been sleeping in her room anyway, because she's been sleeping on our floor. Funny, but she is sleeping in McKenna's old, designated spot, on the floor next to my side of the bed. That's where McKenna used to sleep every night when she got out of the hospital. It's where she spent the last night of her life in our home. It's where I still imagine her being, every night before I go to sleep. I want to look over the side of my bed and say good night to her and tell her I love her...and tell myself not to step on her in the middle of the night if I have to get out of bed. ANYWAY, it's actually very comforting to have JJ there now every night. Hopefully she'll feel brave enough to sleep in her own bed again soon...but for now, it's okay with me.

We are planning a family vacation for Thanksgiving. We are looking at Playa Del Carmen and Riviera Maya. We are planning on making this a new tradition...to be somewhere beautiful, sunny and warm on the anniversary of McKenna going to Heaven, my birthday and Thanksgiving. I can't wait to see the beautiful pink sunsets over the ocean and I can't wait to write her name in the sand on a beautiful beach somewhere else in this world. Each year, we'll do it, and we'll remember our McKenna Girl and all the love she brought into our lives. She was so AMAZING and we were so blessed to have her!

Please pray for our BMT friend, Caroline Harmon. She is fighting for her life in the ICU right now. She was just moved from a ventilator to an oscillator, as they try to buy her time to heal and fight off the stupid RSV that took McKenna's, Joel's, Ellen's and many other precious lives. Pray for her and her family. I hope that her family will never know the pain of losing her. www.caringbridge.org/visit/carolineharmon

As always, hug your kids and tell them how much you love them.

KJ

Wednesday, April 9, 2008 8:20 PM CDT

Still here, missing McKenna Girl and wishing she was sitting here beside me on this couch, as I watch American Idol on TV. Tonight is the "Idols Gives Back" episode and just last year, Kenna and I sat on my bed together and watched the whole thing....crying together at all the sad stories about kids who are sick and stuck in poverty. We both LOVED it when Carrie Underwood sang "I'll stand by you". Tonight, I sat alone on the couch and watched Carrie Underwood sing on TV and I kept turning my eyes up to McKenna's BEAUTIFUL picture on our fireplace mantle and wondered if she was watching too. She loved Carrie Underwood so much! I hope she can still hear her favorite songs in Heaven. I hope she can still hear us tell her we love her too, as we do every single night before bed out loud, and all throughout the day in our hearts and minds. God how I miss her sweet little face and sassy little voice and attitude! I'd give anything for just one more minute.....

It's been so hard to come here to type something. I come all throughout the day to just see her face and see if there are any hopeful, sweet and caring messages posted to me and our family. Just as my posts are slowing down, so are those messages, those sweet little "pick me ups" that bring happy and grateful tears to my eyes. I know you are all still out there, since I see the numbers of visitors creeping up every single day. Just knowing you are there, caring enough to stop by, means so much to me. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.

This "new" life we are living is not easy. There are still so many sad moments, so many tears. EVERYTHING good, is bittersweet since we can't share it all with McKenna. Why should anything good happen to us at all anymore? We already had it good. Everything was good until she had to leave us. We were truly blessed and had everything we could have ever wanted. There is NOTHING that compares with the pain of knowing she's not here to take care of anymore. There will never be an answer good enough for this mother, to explain why her child had to suffer and why somebody so beautiful and perfect had to leave this earth. I will always wonder why. Why her?

Scott and I looked through old pictures of McKenna and the kids the other day. I saw pictures of when McKenna was born and when she was first placed in my arms. I saw the first picture of me and her together as I looked into my daughter's beautiful, little face for the first time. We have tons of pictures of McKenna, Kalen and Jadyn in the bathtub playing with bubbles and smiling into the camera. McKenna hunting for pumpkins, playing on the swingset, jumping into a pile of leaves, playing with puppies, riding on a pony, searching for Easter eggs, covered in spaghetti sauce, birthday parties, friends, cousins, Christmas, brother and sister, family time, trips to Florida, HopeKids events, fun, laughter, hilarity, LOVE,.....Thank God I always had a camera around! I have her whole life in pictures to help us all remember her. Thank God she wasn't camera shy and loved to be the center of our attention! She was everything to us....and our lives certainly revolved around our little drama queen!

Sorry to be so sappy tonight. I just really, really, really miss her! :0(

McKenna, Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite!

Love you all!

Please check up on our friends still fighting:
www.caringbridge.org/visit/
cameronperlish
dylangardner
kylefield
chasebanken
levistephens
brandonlegg
dominiklawson1
carolineharmon

Keep fighting sweet babies! Your mommy's need you around to shower with all their love!

Sunday, March 30, 2008 10:02 AM CDT

Not much to say...still missing our Boo Boo 4 months later. Someday, I'll be saying 4 years, 14 years, and maybe even 40 years. It will always be so. We will miss her the rest of our lives.

I've been training for the upcoming 1/2 marathon. Running is not fun! However, when I'm running and want to quit, I just think of McKenna and all the horrors she had to go through in her life. My complaints are nothing and really make me feel inadequate. She is my reason to keep going and to push myself to do the things I don't think I can do. What a wonderful inspiration she is to me, and to others training with me. I am so honored to have my 5 girlfriends doing this with me...for McKenna. So far we have raised over $12,000 in the fight against Leukemia and Lymphoma. When we race on June 1st, we will have raised a total of $22,000 plus. THANK YOU to everybody who has donated! Every dollar means so much more to me than you know. To me, they are for McKenna's blood, sweat and tears and for all those who have been diagnosed with these horrific diseases. It's so AWESOME to be doing something to fight back and tell the world that I am not okay with losing my daughter at only 10 years old.

Kalen is still struggling in school. He forgets if he has homework or not and can't concentrate while he is in school. He is meeting regularly with his counselor again and we are trying to get him to focus. This year has just been a nightmare for him so I can't blame him for not really caring about school. We just have to get him through this year and maybe next year will be better. Summer school is a definite possibility for him.

On the other hand, Jadyn is doing great in school and still surprises us with perfect or near perfect spelling and math tests. She loves her school, her friends and her teachers. Her life is not quite perfect though. She has been having lots of bad dreams and nightmares and often comes into our room at night with a blanket and a pillow to sleep on our floor. She also talks about death and dying a lot, as if it's just part of a normal conversation. She talks about McKenna a lot and what she is probably doing in Heaven. According to her, McKenna is having the best time ever! (I believe it too!) I'm glad she feels this way.

Now that most of the snow has melted, it's time for Scott and I to buy McKenna's headstone and have it placed at McKenna's grave. I have searched high and low for one that truly shows who our little girl was, but there is just nothing special or sweet enough. I wish they made sparkly ones...because McKenna always loved bling! I'll make sure to post a picture when it's done.

McKenna loved you all! Thank you for loving her too.
Krista

Saturday, March 22, 2008 10:52 AM CDT

It's been a tough couple of weeks for us. Scott's birthday was on the 15th and our anniversary was yesterday, the 21st. Birthday cards used to be signed by all three kids. Now it's just two. Easter is tomorrow. Scott and I have decided to avoid all family functions, and are planning on just hanging out at home. Last year, we had an Easter celebration at our house. McKenna stayed busy giving everybody tours of our new house and then interviewing everybody with Grandpa Bob and his video camera. Yep, we'll just stay home with our memories tomorrow. The kids will probably go to Nana and Papa's. Don't worry, we're not making them stay here to suffer with us. :0)

We stayed at the Waterpark of America Hotel on Thursday night. Kalen and Jadyn each brought a friend and then Nana and the cousins came to swim and slide yesterday too. The kids had a good time and I'm glad we were able to do a little something for their Spring Break. The rest of it we spent depressed and sad.

Wow, how our lives have changed over the last year. One year ago, we had just moved into this house. McKenna had just been diagnosed with cancer for the third and final time. We were so sure that the VinBlastine was going to work. After all, it had been working for all the other kids with recurrent Lymphoma. We never really thought it wouldn't work for McKenna. Then the tumor kept growing.....and you know the rest of the story. Poor little girl. I wish I knew why she had to suffer so much and go through so much pain. Every single day I wish I could trade places with her. I'd give anything to erase the past year and then take on the pain and suffering myself. I've lived, I've experienced so much, I've had so much more than I could ask for. Why couldn't it have been me and not my sweet little girl? I'm sure every parent who has lost a child feels this way. I know I am not alone.

Abigail Taylor died on Thursday. She was the 6 yr old girl who had her intestines sucked out by a pool drain last summer at a country club/city pool in Minnesota. It was a a children's wading pool! She had reconstructive surgery in December and then developed cancer...LYMPHOMA, from all the anti-rejection drugs. The chemo therapy, along with the recovery from her surgery, turned out to be too much for her little body. We are so saddened to hear of her passing and know so well what her family will be going through. We were hoping to meet her and her family at one of the HopeKids events...but it wasn't meant to be. I'm sure her and McKenna have already met in Heaven and McKenna will take good care of her new little friend. Please say a prayer for little Abigail and for her family as they cope with the loss of such a sweet little girl.

Hug your kids tight today and tell them how much you love them!
Krista

Thursday, March 13, 2008 9:31 PM CDT

It was a warm and beautiful day in Minnesota today...the first in a long time. Driving home tonight, I realized it hasn't been this warm since before McKenna went to sleep back in October. I felt terrible, and almost sick to my stomach as I drove home on such a beautiful evening. It's still so hard to believe that she will not be here this spring when we take the bikes down to go for our first family bike ride or roller blading trek. I'm so sad just thinking she won't be riding around on her scooter with the neighbor girls, or drawing with chalk all over our driveway. Our family walks, usually with many of the neighborhood kids tagging along, will never be the same. Although I hate winter, I almost wish it would stay snowy and cold forever becuase then I wouldn't have to live through beautiful sunny days without McKenna.

Jadyn told me the other day that when she dies, she wants to be burried with all of her Webkins stuffed animals in her casket. When I asked her why, she said "So I can show them to McKenna when I get to Heaven".

Every single day, I wear the bracelets and necklaces that were given to me after Kenna died. I feel like I can't leave home without all of them. Thank you to those of you who gave them to me. They are so special to me and I feel like I have McKenna with me all the time.

What else is there to say? We miss our little girl so intensely it hurts. It's still hard to plan ahead or remember plans if they were made. At times I feel like I don't want the days to get any better. I just want to keep feeling the pain and the void her absence has left us with. I want to remember...every single second, and keep reliving them forever. I want to hear and see her. I wish she was still here love.

Thursday, March 6, 2008 9:30 PM CST

Just thinking of McKenna.... 8 years ago today, our nightmare began. The first Diagnosis Day. I wrote about it in my last post. It was such a painful, devastating, and horrible day. One day, life was just fine. Then the next day, WHOOSH, our happy, "normal", life was pulled out from under our feet.

I look back now and I'm so thankful we had the last 8 years to spend with our little girl. We were so blessed that she survived the first bone marrow transplant and remained healthy and cancer free for as long as she did. We got to see her grow into a sweet and loving little girl. One who loved to sing, loved to dance, loved to be with her family and friends, loved to be treated like a princess, loved to eat spaghetti, loved her PINK bedroom, loved going to the Lake with Nana and Papa, and loved her little doggies. We loved her so much, as did everybody else who knew her. She was pretty much spoiled rotten and she demanded a lot of love and attention. She always wanted to sit on our laps, lay in bed next to us, or cuddle on the couch in front of the TV. More than the other kids, she always wanted to be with us. Now I know why. She must have been stocking up for the time that she would have to leave us for a while. I'm so glad she got to have it all. I'm so thankful that we got to say goodbye to her and be with her right until the end. I wish I could hug her one more time.

I posted all new pictures as I just needed to see more of her. Hope they make you smile... I smiled at them, with tears in my eyes. She was so beautiful. I miss her.

Thank you for loving her too.
Krista

Sunday, March 2, 2008 7:03 PM CST

Remembering McKenna:

The First Diagnosis Day

McKenna turned 2 on October 29, 1999. Her little sister Jadyn, was born on December 14th that year. Big brother Kalen, was 3 1/2. One morning I picked McKenna up and out of her carseat to go into daycare and she started crying and screaming, obviously in pain. I wasn't sure what had happened to her and I thought that maybe she had hurt or bruised her arm somehow and I must have put too much pressure on it or something. I carried her into daycare and down the stairs to see her Papa and Nana. I told Mary about her arm and she said that it had happened the day before also, after picking her up. We couldn't see anything visibly wrong with her and she had already stopped crying so we soon forgot about her strange behavior and I left to go to work. Later that night, I gave McKenna a bath and as she was sitting in the tub she reached for something, which exposed her right armpit. I immediately saw that there was a lump under her arm and I just kind of freaked out. I wrapped her up in a towel and carried her down the stairs to show Scott. I remember laying her on the living room floor and making her put her hands above her head. I showed Scott and the first thing that came out of my mouth was "Oh my God, what if it's cancer?" He basically laughed at me and told me I was overreacting. He suggested that I take her into the doctor if I was that worried about it.

The next day, I went to work in the morning and called the doctors office to schedule an appointment. They worked McKenna in and I would need to leave work to bring her to them. My supervisor was out that day so I went to a co-worker, and as I was telling her that I needed to leave to bring my daughter to the doctor, I broke down crying after explaining that she had a large lump under her arm and I was scared it was cancer. My friend and co-worker AJ Sexton, told me to just go and that she'd be thinking of me. I will never forget that she was the first person, outside of the family, who knew what we were dealing with.

I brought McKenna to the doctor and we saw one of the pediatricians that we had seen many times before. Dr. Nelson looked at her armpit and examined the rest of her. He also ordered a blood test. Nothing came back abnormal in her blood and he explained that her lymph nodes in her armpit were swollen and most likely infected. he prescribed her an antibiotic and told us this would take care of it. You can't imagine how relieved I was. Even after I got home and Scott was saying, "See? I told you so!" I went to work the next day and told AJ and my other coworkers what had happened at the doctor's office. Everyone was so happy and relieved for us.

McKenna took her medicine but within the next 3-4 days she developed a fever that would not go away with Tylenol and also diarhea. She also looked very pale and her lump under her arm seemed to be getting bigger and the skin surrounding the area was getting red. I brought her in again and we saw another pediatrician, Dr. Marjorie Sexton. Dr. Sexton took one look at her and said "She needs to be admitted to the hospital. The infection is getting worse and she needs to be on IV antibiotics." I called Scott at work and he came to the clinic to be with us. On our way home to pack our hospital gear, since McKenna was starving, we stopped at a local Chinese restaurant and ate from the buffet. I'll never forget this because I thought it was such a good sign that McKenna wanted to eat!

We arrived at Mercy Hospital for admittance later that day, expecting to be in for just a couple of days to receive her antibiotics and take care of this raging infection. This was not to be. Two days later, McKenna was still sick and getting worse by the minute. Her fevers were at 104 and the diahrea was getting worse. They decided to do a needle biopsy of the lump. The surgeon introduced himself to us in her hospital room and when we asked about the possibility of this being cancer, he said, "I'm 99.9 percent sure that this is NOT cancer." When they took her in to the O.R. we were told it would only take a half hour or so to perform the biopsy. 3 hours later, the surgeon came out to talk to us and could barely even look us in the eyes. He told us that he was not able to withdraw any fluid from her "infection" and that he had to cut her open and remove some sections of the tissue. This time, we didn't ask if it was cancer, because we already knew. He left Scott and I there, crying in the waiting room together.

It took 2 more days for us to get our answer. In the meantime, McKenna was miserable and so sick. Her stomach had also started hurting and we had to find ways of picking her up that wouldn't put too much pressure on her arms or stomach. On March 5, 2000, the attending pediatrician felt some additional lumps in her lower abdomen. (more tumors) On March 6th, our nightmare truly became a reality. I was in the hospital room with McKenna, who was sitting up in her bed watching TV. The phone rang at noon. Dr. Sexton said "Mrs. Johnson, are you there alone or is anybody with you?" I explained that I was the only one there with McKenna. She said "You need to sit down for what I am about to tell you". I sat immediately, clutching the phone, tears already welling up in my eyes, face turned away from McKenna. She said, "McKenna has Lymphoma....it's cancer. I know of a great oncologist, whom I went to medical school with, and I have already referred McKenna to him. They are waiting for you at the St. Paul Children's Hospital. When you get there you need to park in the Red ramp and go straight to hospital admitting......" I remember this phone call and the feelings I was going through as if it was just yesterday. However, my recollection of what I may have actually said is completely a blur. I just know she called, she told me, and before I was off the phone, the nurses were already in the room packing up our stuff for a quick transfer. I called Scott, who was making a sales call down in Southern Minnesota at the time, and told him over a bad cell phone connection that McKenna had cancer and that we needed him to meet us at the St. Paul Children's Hospital. I also called Mary. She was there, hugging me and McKenna within 10 minutes and Scott's sister Suzy was there 10 minutes after that.

Mary drove McKenna and I to the Hospital that day. We were both in a daze as McKenna sat in the backseat, in her hospital pajamas with her arm still attached to an IV catheter and taped to a board. She was so pale and so quiet. She sensed what was going on and I know that smart little mind of hers was quietly putting everything together.

Once we reached the hospital she was brought to the ICU where we met Dr. Christopher Moertel, her new oncologist, and his nurse, a sweet, loving angel named Tammie Dahlheimer. When Chris said "Are you McKenna Johnson?" McKenna shot back at him, "NO, I'm Boo Boo Johnson!" From then on she was always Boo Boo to him. After further testing was completed, we had our first family conference to discuss McKenna's cancer. (too bad it wasn't going to be the last!) Dr. Moertel explained that she had a very rare form of Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Ki-1 Anaplastic, Large T-Cell Lymphoma, to be exact. He said that this a VERY aggressive and fast growing cancer. Her scans revealed that over 75percent of her lymph nodes were already involved and looked like "grape clusters" hanging around her heart, lungs, abdomen and basically the entire trunk of her body. He said that the cancer was probably only active for about a month...that's how fast it spread and grew in her body. He told us that they had already infused Methotrexate (a chemotherapy drug) directly into her spinal fluid. She was already in the Induction Phase of her treatment. The next day she would have surgery to implant a portacath and the chemo and further testing would continue......

This was how our nightmare began. This was the beginning of shuffling our other kids around and pawning them off on our family and friends so that Scott and I could be at the hospital or in the clinic with McKenna. It was the beginning of learning to appreciate life and all that we had been blessed with. It was the beginning of realizing how special, brave and courageous our middle child was. At the time it felt like it was the end. What could be worse? In retrospect, I can look back now and say it was definitely the beginning.....

Wednesday, February 27, 2008 9:43 PM CST

Three months.... ONLY THREE MONTHS!! Her sweet voice still answers our phone on our answering machine. Hearing her say all of our names, and that we can't come to the phone, is the sweetest thing in the world. We plan on leaving it on our phone forever. That means we can never get new phones...or we will lose her recording. I still feel her presence in our home and in every family activity we do. I can't bear to think that our memories of her will fade....that we may forget some of her silly quirks and behaviors...that we could possibly forget the sound of her laugh or the sound of her footsteps coming down the hall....I want to keep it all fresh. I want to remember EVERY little thing. Baby Girl, we miss you so much!

Thank you to everyone who has donated to our Team In Training pages so far. Every single dollar we raise gets us one step closer to our fund-raising goals for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and their mission of finding a cure. THANK YOU!!

We traded in our Nissan Quest minivan Tuesday night for an SUV. One more bittersweet event. Saying goodbye to the van and bringing home something that McKenna never got to ride in or see, was a little sad. Also, Jadyn has moved into her big sister's room. If McKenna were here, she'd be having a fit! Since she's in Heaven, I have to believe that she is happy that her little sister is now taking over her bedroom...the one she loved so much.

Jadyn will be very happy in your room Boo Boo. She feels closer to you and loves having all your cherished items in her "new" room. She even has your Fluffy and the teddy bear that Amy gave you when you were sick...the one that can be put in the microwave or in the freezer. :0) She LOVES it and I know she'll take good care of your room for you. We have put pictures of you up around the house..your school pictures and all the other various favorites of you growing up...you are with us everywhere, but especially in our hearts. It's only been three months and I pray we have the strength to get through the many hours, days, months and years before we can see you again. Have fun in Heaven and say hi to everybody for us! Tell everybody we love them and can't wait to see them all again one day. Be a good girl and keep laughing and singing...like I know you are! I'm so glad to know that you are now cancer free and safe in Heaven forever. We just wish we could hug and squeeze you one more time.

Love you little girl.
Mom

Sunday, February 24, 2008 5:09 PM CST

The week in review:
Busy, busy, busy and NO computer since Jadyn now has 6 Webkinz friends!! Kalen and Jadyn are both fighting over computer time every single night. It's making me realize, we're going to need more than this one, very soon! Kalen is also begging for a cell phone. He just spent the night at his friend Dan's house last night and guess what Dan got for his birthday? A cell phone! It seems that all his and Jadyn's friends have one already. I can't help but think about how when I grew up, NOBODY had one! Now we're looking like the "old", "Fuddy Duddy" parents who are just NOT cool!

Our car is still being fixed. It should be done tomorrow or Tuesday. Thanks to a co-worker at Allianz, I was able to rent a car for 7 days for FREE. THANK YOU!! I ended up paying for the first rental car for 2 days, then I got the free one, and now we'll be borrowing Scott's parents' for a couple days. Can't wait to get ours back! OH, we are also trading in the mini-van next week. We're going back to an SUV, as there is no longer a need for a mini-van, for our family of four. The Nissan Quest that we are trading in has a lot of fun memories of family outings and various road trips with all three kids. McKenna, Kale and Jadyn all loved that van and enjoyed watching movies on the 2 built-in DVD screens. Now the van is just too big, and reminds us that we were supposed to have 3 children getting in and out of it instead of 2.

We've been thinking of Kenna Girl a lot this weekend. I'm still so sad and lost without her. The days come and go, but it seems there is nothing to look forward to and nothing to be excited about. Our future seems grim, stuck here in the frozen tundra (winter in Minnesota), without our hopes and dreams, and without our little girl. I still can't imagine going through the rest of my life without McKenna in it. This is really the most horrible thing that could have ever happened. I'm so sorry for all the parents who have ever lost a child. There are no words to explain how hard it is. Whether they leave you suddenly, or you watch them steadily drift away from you, there is NOTHING worse. I know we are living every parent's worst nightmare, and believe me, it's even worse than that. And lonely..... I still pray that she will visit me in a dream. I haven't had any dreams about her yet, but LOVE hearing from those who have. Whether it's posted here on the CB site, or you send me an email or call me, I just LOVE knowing that others are seeing her and being reminded of her. THANK YOU to those who let me know when they are thinking of and dreaming of her.

Next week, I'll begin training for a new position at my work...well, it's the same position but I will now be focusing on Life Insurance instead of Annuities. So, I'll be part of the Life Case Design Team, specializing in the marketing and selling of our Life products. What better time to start talking to people about the importance of life insurance??? :(

The marathon training is going well. I have been doing a lot of "self" training at the gym and have only been to the one group run. (the one in which my car was wrecked coming home from!) Being 36 and just starting to run for the first time, has been difficult. There are a lot more aches and pains than I could have imagined. I have lost 5 pounds so far, and other than knees, feet and backaches, I'm doing pretty good! I've been working out on the treadmill, elyptical machines, lifting weights and this morning, Scott and I swam laps. It feels really good to be working out and doing something positive with my time. I'm also loving the fact that I am raising money to cure cancers like McKenna's. I'll always be fighting for you Baby Girl!

Take care and have a good "Leap Year" week!
Krista

Sunday, February 17, 2008 9:51 PM CST

NEW PICTURES POSTED! CHECK THEM OUT!

We just got back from the Wild Hockey game thanks to Josh Taylor and Hopekids and somebody who donated 4 lower-level seats to them. We had perfect seats and watched the Wild beat up on the Nashville Predators. It was really fun and the kids loved it. THANK YOU! Saturday, we also spent the morning at a HopeKids event. It was our first HopeKids outing without McKenna and it was a little bittersweet. We went to the movie Spiderwick...which was awesome by the way! We saw Josh, Carrie, Brody and Kinsley Taylor, the Banken's (caringbridge.org/visit/chasebanken), the Stephen's (www.caringbridge.org/visit/levistephen), and Alaina Cousineau. The kids had a great time and enjoyed the movie and the fun with all the families. Later on that day, I brought the kids down to the Ronald McDonald House for some more playtime with the Stephen's and the Cousineau's. Us adults sat around the fireplace talking about life, our kids and our angels in Heaven. The kids ran around the HUGE maze of a complex from the Arcades to the Gymnasium, and spent the evening laughing and playing. What a great place to visit....so glad we never had to stay there though! We were lucky to live so close to the hospital. Seeing all the kids with the bald heads brings me near tears these days. I just want to reach out and give them hugs....and I see McKenna in each and every one of them. Those brave little souls, so fearless and strong, fighting their various types of cancer's and diseases with such determination. I look at their parents, who either avoid looking at you or look straight into your face, wondering if you know the horror and pain that they have suffered. I want to tell them yes, I know. I want to tell them to take lots of videos, and millions of pictures, to make time for extra special moments-- as those moments may someday be just beautiful memories. But then I hesitate because I don't want to dash their hopes by telling them that my child died. Oh, the lessons that I have learned from her life and death. They are countless and yes, priceless. They are meant for all who knew her and others will just have to learn on their own. So sad...

This morning I finished up addressing over 300 envelopes for my Team in Training letters that I'll be sending out soon. Most of the addresses came from McKenna's celebration of life guest book and from sympathy cards we received from around the country. If you don't receive one, it's probably just because, A: I couldn't read your writing. B: You didn't fill out your entire address in the book. C: You didn't sign the book. or, D: Because I know you'll be supporting one of the other 5 girls, running alongside me, in memory of McKenna. SO--be watching for these letters and if you are able to donate, that would be awesome! If not, I'll love you still and understand that not everybody can donate! Just pray for me to cross the finish line!

Jadyn has found a new addiction, thanks to Alaina Cousineau. WEBKINZ! Alaina gave her the "Cheeky Monkey" Webkinz animal and now she is so totally addicted to the Webkinz online site, that I rarely get the computer anymore. She wants more Webkinz now and that's all she's been talking about. I suppose we'll get her a couple more...but then Kyla, our neighbor came over the other night and told her that she has 34 of them! WHAT??? So now Jadyn thinks she needs a lot too! OH NO!!

Kalen's been doing his homework! Everybody cheer! He's also been spending a little more time reading, since I bought him some books that he doesn't characterize as "girl" books. (McKenna loved books and she had a TON--now they're all Jadyn's) So, he's been doing really good and is looking forward to getting signed up to play baseball this spring. It's kind of weird to think that we'll have time to do stuff like that...sports. So many other kids are so involved in sports and their parents don't know how lucky they are. We have always been so busy with doctor visits, and not staying out in the sun too long and allergy outbreaks and maybe being a little over-protective, that we haven't had a lot of time to get the kids involved in a lot. I guess now we'll learn what it's like to have a little more time, and less worries on our hands. Again...bittersweet. Wish we could go back to being worry warts and having a ton of doctor visits, if you know what I mean.

Well, hope everybody out there is doing good. McKenna has a new "old" friend up in Heaven with her now. Joel Wagner made his way to meet Jesus and I'm sure McKenna is busy showing him all around and introducing him to all her friends. She'll make sure he's taken care of, as she always loved the little ones, and she knew Joel from this summer. We prayed for him and thought of him often as we sat in her hospital room. Joel, Evan, Ellen, MacKenzie, Micheal, Tyler, Aidan, Jackson, Sidnee...All of them together in Heaven. Each one of them a precious child, so loved and cherished by their families. We are also so proud of our friends who made it..Kyle, Levi, Cameron and Dylan. Just a few out of the bunch, but we are so happy and grateful that they are all still doing good. McKenna is watching over them for sure!!!

Love you all!
Krista

Thursday, February 14, 2008 7:31 AM CST

Happy Valentine's Day everybody. Another "first" without McKenna. As Jadyn sat at the table last night preparing her Valentines cards and treats for her classmates, I got a little teary, remembering all the past years, when both girls would be sitting there together, excitedly writing messages on all their cards. I hope McKenna is receiving lots of hugs and kisses in Heaven today. Jadyn just came down the stairs, ready to go to school, wearing PINK from head to toe! Very Cute and so McKenna!!

Something beautiful and wonderful happened yesterday evening. The doorbell rang and Kalen answered it to find a woman standing on our doorstep. When I came to the door and invited her in, I noticed she was holding a wrapped package. She introduced herself to me, Mary Carter, and explained that she has been following our CB site since seeing McKenna's obituary in the local paper. She explained that her son, Adam, had passed away 2 years ago at the age of 20 from Leukemia. After explaining this, I opened her package to find a BEAUTIFUL painting/portrait of sweet McKenna Girl. She explained that her nephew, Mike, had painted a portrait of Adam for them, when he died. When she saw McKenna's picture and read her CB site, she felt like she had to send her picture to her nephew to see if he would paint for us. He did and I can tell you that it's the most BEAUTIFUL painting EVER! McKenna looks so real and so alive and just seems to jump off the canvas. The colors and detail are just amazing! Scott and I brought the picture up to our room and plan on hanging it on a wall next to my side of the bed. Her beautiful face and sweet smile will be the last thing I see, every night before I go to sleep. What a beautiful gift to give a grieving family. We are so blessed to have the outpouring of love and support...still surrounding us and helping us to cope with missing McKenna. THANK YOU MARY for bringing the painting to us and for being so selfless and caring. THANK YOU Mike for providing us with something so beautiful and perfect. We will cherish the face and her expression of joy you painted on that canvas for the rest of our lives.

Last night, Colie, Jill, Josie and I went on our first "Team" run around Lake Harriet in Minneapolis. It started at 6:30 pm and we ran around the lake on the snow covered trails with our Team in Training teammates. Jill pointed out that the lights surrounding the lake made a PINK hue in the sky, so we ran knowing that McKenna was helping to light the way and push us along. She is always with us!

NOW FOR THE BAD PART OF THE DAY! I was driving Josie and myself home from Lake Harriet and was about 10 minutes from home, when a HUGE piece of concrete brick was either tossed from a car or fell out of a truck, right into our path. It was unavoidable, I hit the piece of concrete head on. Josie thought it was a huge chunk of ice and snow as it was tumbling across the road towards our car, but as I drove into it, I knew it was definitely not snow! Immediately, my dashboard emergency lights came on telling me to stop the car and also warning of an oil pressure leak. We pulled into a gas station (yes, THANK GOD there was a gas station right there) and pulled into a parking space, just as the car started to stink of engine fluid smells. We got out and saw that there was fluid pouring out of the front end onto the parking lot. So long story short...we had to call the police to file a report. We called Scott to come pick us up and as we sat in the van with Jadyn and our three dogs, we called our insurance company and a tow truck. 2 hours later, we were finally at home after our run, still chilled to the bone! Now I am sitting at home, when I should be at work, waiting for yet another tow truck to come and tow our car to Ed's Collision Center in Maple Grove. By the way, the brick took out the oil pan, the transmission and the radiator. CRAZY! We are just thankful that the concrete brick wasn't airborne and didn't crash through our windshield!

We found out last night that our insurance policy does not cover rental cars. WHAT???? So we'll have to pay the $250 deductible and pay for a rental vehicle while ours is being fixed. Excuse my language, but that totally SUCKS! We could have used this money for our fund-raising for the Team in Training and Leukemia and Lymphoma Research! UGH! Oh well, I guess it's not so bad and it could always be much worse!

Before I end this post I would like to ask for prayers for all of our friends, some still fighting and some already in Heaven with McKenna. Special prayers are needed for Joel Wagner (caringbridge.org/visit/joelwagner), who is still on an oscillator and fighting for each minute, and Dominik Lawson (caringbridge.org/visit/dominiklawson1) who is desperately needing a new kidney. His mother has already donated hers, but Dominik's body rejected it. Now he must go through a transplant again soon, to save his life. He and his mother have been living at the Ronald McDonald House for over a year!! Please start saving your soda can tops and donate them to the Ronald McDonald House! I found out from Gina that this Mpls Ronald raised over $50,000 last year, just from pop can tops!!! YOU CAN HELP!!!! Also, please consider having a simple blood test done to see if you are a kidney donor match for Dominik or any other child waiting to start a new life. THANK YOU!!

Love you all!
Krista

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 9:28 AM CST

We're sitting here, in the family resource room, on the 5th floor of the UofM hospital. I have updated this site many times from this same computer, but it feels like it was in a different life. Now I am here to visit others and hang out with the Cousineau's. My little girl is not waiting anxiously for me to come back to her hospital room down the hall with some snacks or new magazines. She's not playing Guitar Hero or the Play Station sitting in her bed. She's not taking a much needed snooze, or trying to get up with all her tubes attached to go to the bathroom. She's not...

SHE IS...Laughing, Singing, Dancing and Flying around in Heaven with her beautiful pink angel wings. SHE IS healthy and happy and carefree! SHE IS being loved up by her grandfather Darrell (my dad) and SHE IS relentlessy teasing her Uncle Brian. SHE IS hanging out with Evan Cousineau, Sean Joyce, Sierra Turner, Micheal Zigas, Ellen He, Sidnee Leighann, Tyler Verkaik, Jerry Bray, Joey Rossini, Kristi Erickson and all the others we have known and lost over the years. She is now one of them, a bright, loving angel with nothing but joy and love surrounding her! I'm so happy for you Boo Boo!

I miss her today. Last night, Gina, Alaina and I spent some time looking at pictures of our "perfect children". Healthy pictures and not so healthy ones...right up until the end. So sad. Why does a child have to endure the horrors of diseases, hospitals,and horrifying treatments? If we can fly to the moon and put a robot on Mars, why can't we find cures for things such as cancer, ALD and HLH? Is it that hard or are we just spending trillions of dollars in the wrong places? Please help ME with finding a cure so others won't have to suffer! Sponsor me and my teammates for our run in San Diego! There are a couple addresses above...the rest I will update soon! We need to raise $3700 each to donate to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. WE CAN DO THIS! Every little bit helps so if you are able to help out, we really appreciate it!

We are going to enjoy the rest of the day here at the U. Kalen, Jadyn and Alaina Cousineau are all down in the Teen Room right now. I suppose I better go check on them! We get to have lunch with Josh Taylor from HopeKids today too! FUN! Then we are going to the Ronald McDonald House to let the kids play with all the other kids there. Some of them have been there for over a year...waiting on a kidney transplant. So unfair! I'm going to register to be a Kidney donor....you should too!!!

Cold here in Minnesota...but definitely feeling the love from all of you out there! THANK YOU!!!

Krista from the U

Thursday, February 7, 2008 7:49 AM CST

So much has been happening and I've neglected updating this site. First thing I want to tell you to do is to click on the photo's....I just did that and stared at McKenna for a half hour--at the picture of her posing in our entryway. It is SO McKenna, so happy and full of life. I LOVE IT!!

Guess what? Gina and Alaina Cousineau will be staying with us next week during their trip to Minne SO Cold! They fly in on Monday the 11th and we're planning on having them for most of the week. Then Mary will be flying in on Friday the 15th and I believe they'll be staying at the Radisson or some hotel by the U for the remainder of their trip. We are excited to host the girls and just hope we can keep up with them! I'm sure Gina will have lots of stuff planned and will be at the U most of the days, meeting with hospital staff, families and friends of the BMT unit. She's got so much energy and she's doing so many great things in Evan's memory. Check out her updates at www.caringbridge.org/visit/evancousineau

We now have 6 girls running on the Miles for McKenna team in the San Diego, Rock N Roll Marathon!!! One of my best friends, Nicole, joined our team to help us raise money and run in memory of my little girl. I'm so excited to have her share this experience with all of us!! We had a letter writing party at my house last night. All of us were there including Janell, our fund-raising "manager". We were supposed to go for a run, address our envelopes and plan our fund-raisng events. We ended up going to get Mexican food and sat around my kitchen table talking and laughing and having a great time! We did NOT run....it was too cold and by the time we were done eating, nobody felt like running. OOPS!!! I'll definitely be going to the gym to run on the treadmill so don't worry!!! :0)

Kalen and I have a daily routine now and it is working GREAT! When I get home from work, he and I sit at the kitchen table until all of his homework is done...NO TV! I think this "routine" and structure is helping him a lot. Jadyn is doing really good and school has not been a problem for her. She often brings home perfect spelling tests and actually likes to do homework. I was a little concerned yesterday, however, as she walked in the door and told me that her and her friends were playing "Truth, Dare, Double Dare, Promise, Do, Repeat" on the bus. She told me that her friend had to lick the bus floor...and that she had to kiss the back of the bus seat. OMG....are they really doing this???? They're 8!!! We are in serious trouble with her!! Wish McKenna was still here so she could stop these crazy antics as they were happening on the bus. She would be the bossy big sister and tell Jadyn to stop. If only she were still here....

Missing McKenna
Krista

Saturday, February 2, 2008 7:30 PM CST

67 days since McKenna flew to Heaven. I can't believe that it's only been that long! It feels like it's been FOREVER since I last held her hand and touched her face. Imagine not being able to see that sweet little face every day, when we've seen it every day for the last 10 years. Imagine not having her loving arms wrap around you in a hug every day and every night. Imagine never hearing her sassy, smart, witty and sarcastic comments ever again. Imagine the shock of how our lives and dreams have chaned in the last year. When I try to imagine never seeing her face light up, or hear her voice again, it crushes me. I realize I will always feel this way, at least to some extent, although I know time will lessen the pain. There will ALWAYS and FOREVER be a hole in our hearts, our home, our lives. She was the center of our world for so long. Everything we ever planned or did, revolved around McKenna. Even during the healthy years, in between her cancer treatments, there were always concerns, doctor visits, scares that her cancer was back, and allergies, eczema and slow growth to worry about. Now, we are reminded every day that we wake up, that our lives have completely changed. Things are just not right, and will never be again. Children should not have to be sick, not like this. Children should never die before their parents. It's just not right....

Today was at least a start for me to do something positive and worthwhile. This morning, Josie, Amy, Jill and I, attended the Team In Training Kickoff Party. We, along with another friend, Sara, will be running in the Rock N Roll Marathon together on June 1st. Over the next couple of months, we will be fund-raising for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. The dollars raised will go to research and support for those living with these dreaded blood cancers and those soon to be diagnosed. It feels so good to continue fighting the cancer that McKenna had to fight. Every dollar raised will help us FIGHT for her. It feels so uplifting and I am so excited to do this for her and for all the other kids who have suffered and fought. THANK YOU to those who have already donated on our fund-raising pages! You are helping to make a difference and I appreciate it SO MUCH!

I will have further details of our fund-raising efforts as they develop. We are still in plan mode....but lots of fun stuff is being discussed!!!

Please pray for our friends, the Wagners. www.caringbridge.org/visit/joelwagner
Joel and his parents, Tina and Dave, started "work-up" week for his BMT the same week in July that McKenna started hers. They have been fighting and suffering tirelessly, and at this time, Joel is still hanging on, no doubt thanks to all the prayers that are going up for him around the clock. THANK YOU!

Love from our home,
Krista

Friday, February 1, 2008 2:44 PM CST

MCKENNA'S STORY

BEAUTIFUL MCKENNA, OUR ANGEL IN HEAVEN
McKenna fought cancer like a pro since she was 2 1/2. She was diagnosed with Ki-1, Anaplastic Large T-Cell Lymphoma (ALCL), a rare form of Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma, for the first time on March 6, 2000. Only 1 out of every 1.2 million children, is diagnosed with this type of cancer. McKenna showed us all that she was a true hero. She fought long and hard and suffered through many treatments. She overcame many obstacles along the way and never complained or felt sorry for herself. She taught us many important life lessons and for that, we are extremely grateful. God blessed us with three amazing children and we are so proud of each of them. Big brother Kalen is 11 and little sister Jadyn is 8. Jadyn has lovingly donated her bone marrow twice, hoping to cure her big sister's cancer. This journal chronicles McKenna's journey with cancer since 2001.

McKenna endured her SECOND Bone Marrow Transplant at the Univ. Of MN Hospital, on August 29, 2007. Prior to that, she had completed many months of chemotherapy, radiation treatments, and a bi-lobectomy lung surgery on June 4th, which was extremely painful for her and took her 4 long, agonizing weeks to recover from. Amazingly, she was still able to enjoy her summer and spent a lot of time playing, biking and hanging out with her friends, swimming, tubing and riding 4-wheelers at the cabin, and even went on a family horseback trail ride just before being admitted for her BMT. What a beautiful memory that day is...now forever etched in our hearts. After 37 days in the hospital, recovering from the transplant and all the horrible side effects, she came home for 3 brief, wonderful weeks. Sept 30th-October 20th. She contracted RSV during this time and was re-admitted on October 21st.

McKenna turned 10 on October 29. The gift she received that day was rest and oxygen, as that was the day she was no longer able to breathe on her own and was intubated and put on an oscillator. On November 27, 2007, (my 36th birthday) She flew to Heaven with her beautiful PINK angel wings. What an AMAZING girl we were blessed with for 10 precious years. Is it a coincidence that she went to sleep on her birthday and joined Jesus in paradise, on mine? I don't think so. I truly believe that it was a message from above. God gave her what she needed most, first rest and air, and then the ultimate gift, eternal life in Heaven.
Fly, sing and dance with the angels, Baby Girl! We love you and can't wait to see you again!

Monday, January 28, 2008 8:20 PM CST

I just wanted to quick update and thank everybody for their continued prayers and support for our family. I have been in a "slump" for the last couple of weeks, and all of my friends and family have been there to "pick me back up". I am so frustrated at being sad and depressed. I feel guilty whenever I'm having a little bit of fun. I feel stressed about so many things, especially that I haven't bothered to call anybody back, or schedule lunch, or stop over for a visit. I'm pretty sure I'm a horrible, unreliable friend right now. Hope everybody understands...I'm just trying to be a good mom and wife. That's all I have the energy or heart for.

I want to say thank you to all the new Team in Training Teammates and those who are supporting us, especially those who signed up, in memory of McKenna. I'm so excited to start planning, training and running with you all. We will no doubt spend a LOT of "quality" time together! I know it's not going to be easy, but I'm excited to do SOMETHING that will make a difference for others. There is still time to sign up and if you are here in the Minneapolis area, there is a Kickoff meeting in Hopkins this Saturday. Just go to Teamintraining.org to get the time and location. Love to see you there!!!

So far, it's me, Josie Oxley, Jill Hansen, Sara Anderson, maybe Nana (Mary for the 1/2 marathon walk) and there are a few others at my work who just need to DO IT!! We'll have a whole team and we are excited to get the fund raising started. We will have "Miles for McKenna" T-shirts made and we'll be selling them soon!!! I'll post information about them once we know the cost. For the girls, they will most certainly be PINK!!! We are definitely needing DONATIONS!! The donations go directly to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. It's SO EASY and it only takes a couple of minutes of your time AND a credit card!!! For now, I have these two websites but there will be more teammates to post soon. WE ALL HAVE TO RAISE $3700 EACH!!! WHATEVER WE DON'T RAISE, WE HAVE COMMITTED TO PAYING OUT OF OUR POCKETS...SO IF YOU CAN HELP, WE WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT!!!
Please log onto:
www.active.com/donate/tntmn/milesformckenna
www.active.com/donate/tntmn/miles4mckenna

Scott and I are keeping ourselves busy and have lots of "projects" around the house. We installed a ceiling fan and painted the downstairs bathroom over the last couple of nights. We are also going to the gym quite a bit (you wouldn't know it by looking at me!)Jadyn and I, went to see the Martina McBride concert on Saturday, thanks to HopeKids and Tix for Tots. It was really good...she has such an awesome voice and I only cried once, during "Concrete Angel", just thinking of how horrible it is that some children are abused. That kills me...

I really love the messages from everybody, telling us what reminded them of McKenna that day. Please keep them coming and let us know when you are thinking of her. She was so amazing and I'm still so proud of my little girl...and Kalen and Jadyn too. They are all so special and I'm so lucky to have them!

Have a good week and I'll update soon.
Love from the Johnson Home....and McKenna in Heaven :0)

Wednesday, January 23, 2008 9:41 PM CST

McKenna Girl, I miss you. I would give ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to have just one more day with you. Even just one more second, ANYTHING. I wish I could hug you one more time and tell you how much I love you. One more kiss good night and to hear you say to me "Night Mommy, see you in the morning." To hear one more "I love you Mommy", would be enough to last me the rest of my life. I need your little arms to squeeze me just one more time. I wish I could see you, smell you, feel you...ONE MORE TIME.

I won't ask WHY you were taken from us. I understand that God needed you in Heaven, and you deserved to go to Heaven after all you'd been through. I know that. But sometimes I still want to SCREAM WHY? Why you? Why not me? And I just wish somebody could give me an answer that makes sense. I would have given ANYTHING to take your place in this world, and endure the hell that you went through, over and over again with your cancer treatments. You amazed me with your strength and your courage and even I know that I wouldn't have been as brave or as strong as you. But I would have gladly taken your place, and taken your pain from you.

I am so sad right now just thinking that I'll never see you again...until I get to Heaven. I wonder how long that will take? Wish I could just stop by for a while...wish it wasn't so far.

I miss you little girl, a part of my heart is in Heaven with you. Please give it a squeeze, now and then, and let me know you are still with me. I need your love.

I Love you!
Mommy

Monday, January 21, 2008 8:53 AM CST

Please log onto this site and see McKenna's smiling face encouraging you to "Take a hike"! Who wants to hike??? Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Kauai, Rocky Mountain National Park....AWESOME!! Which one do you all want to do for McKenna? There are some upcoming meetings to find out more. HURRY and tell me!

http://www.hikefordiscovery.org/hike.adp

Also, if you are looking for a marathon, triathalon, or a century cycle ride log on here:
http://www.teamintraining.org

Saturday, January 19, 2008 6:51 PM CST

Jadyn called me at work on Thursday morning, coughing and saying that her stomach, throat and head hurt. I rushed home to be with her. Nervous and speeding the whole way because she was home alone and because my CRAZY mind was turning this little cold into a whole mess of what ifs....What if she has cancer? What if she has RSV? What if she needs to be hospitalized? What if there's a tumor growing in her throat or lung? I can't believe how nervous and irrational I was....until I got home to her. Even though she had a little bug, the first thing she asked me was, "Can we go out to lunch after my doctor's visit?" AWESOME!! So I stayed home with her on Thursday.

Good thing I was home on Thursday because Kalen's teacher called me to tell me that Kale is basically failing ALL of his classes this quarter. She said he hasn't turned in any of his homework, NONE! "WHAT?" I said, shocked. Kalen brings home a little bit of homework every night and he sits and does it before he starts to watch TV or play games. Apparently, he was only bringing a VERY small portion of his work home and was leaving the rest at school. WELL, as soon as he got home from the bus, we got in the car and went right back to school to get ALL of his homework. We sat at the kitchen table for 4 hours that night and got a lot of work done. We have had some long and serious conversations with him since then. We're trying to figure out what's going on. But DUH!!! Like you need to be a rocket scientist! His sister and best friend for the last 10 years just died! Of course he's going to be a little messed up. He knows we love him and will help him get through this. He also knows we will be seeking some outside help to look into what's going on in his brain, and his heart. He's hurting, even if he won't admit it right now. He's trying to be so strong, holding everything in. We need to figure out how he can let it all out and feel better about himself. It's so hard to know what to do. Nobody gave us lessons on this or told us we'd be going through this someday. We certainly didn't sign up for it!!!

Friday, started out okay. Scott and I got a little teary in the morning as we were getting ready for work, just missing and thinking about McKenna. When I got to work I was fine for about 10 minutes. Then all of a sudden the tears started, and as much as I wanted them to stop, so I could get back to work and not feel so depressed, they just kept coming. For 4 hours. I finally just had to leave because there was no way I was going to be able to do my job and I was sick of being so depressing to all my co-workers. My friend, Mary, took the stairs down with me all the way from the 10th floor, so I could avoid the elevator ride. What else are good friends for? Thank you Mary!

So we're still struggling. Who wouldn't be?

Scott just came home with ice cream.....gotta go!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 9:07 PM CST

Sorry for the delay...I know you are all wondering how we're doing and I can tell you that we're doing fine. Definitely better than a month ago. Better than last week. Work is going well. I'm so grateful for my friends. Especially those who make me laugh. They are awesome!!

Last night, Scott and I went to a Team in Training meeting for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Josie came and so did my friend Sara, from work. We all signed up to run in the San Diego, Rock N Roll Marathon, on June 1, 2008. Josie and I signed up for the HALF marathon, Sara is going for the full. 13.1 miles is enough for me. I've never been a runner, nor have I ever wanted to run a long distance, until I was inspired by McKenna's TNT teams. So this will be my first attempt at a long-distance run. CRAZY! Scott would like to run too...we just need to figure out if we can both committ to all the training time.

We've been watching American Idol the last two nights, something McKenna used to LOVE to do. Especially these first episodes with all the horrible singers. I wish I could hear her laughter and witness her funny comments again. She always had something to say...sassy, sarcastic and smart. Miss that. Miss her. American Idol is not the same without her.

Digging through the medicine cabinet the other day, I came across the bottle of Benadryl. McKenna used to take them frequently for her many allergic reactions and sudden rashes and hives. She used to have them a LOT. Hay, animals, dust and other things we were never able to identify. I always thought we'd bring her to an allergist one day, to figure it out, but she had so many other doctor visits that we never got around to it. Oh well! One less doctor visit for our girl! The hives would usually start to break out on her face, around her mouth, and she HATED that! Her skin was so sensitive that she would even break out in hives if she got excited about something. Then there were the tubes of Fluocinide, Hydrocortisone, and Protopic, all topical steroid creams, to treat her eczema. Jugs of Aquaphor lotion to rub on her skin, after every bath or shower. Lidocaine and EMLA cream to numb the skin on her arms and chest, so that she wouldn't feel the needle pokes..... There's a lot more, but you get the picture, all these things with labels on them spelling out McKenna's name, birth date and prescribing doctor. It's all painful to see and brings back so many memories. However, I don't think we're ready to throw it all out yet. Maybe we'll just keep it all.

ANYWAY...American Idol is over, Rosie is cuddled next to me and Emmie is trying to eat the kids' Dippin' Dots (ice cream). Did you know you can buy them at the grocery stores now? The kids love them. McKenna did too.

Thank you for your prayers,
The Johnson's

Saturday, January 12, 2008 11:58 AM CST

It's hard to update this journal these days because nothing much has changed. McKenna is no longer here with us, so I often wonder, what is the point of updating this journal?

I guess I could tell you all about the week. Work is work. It's good to be back amongst my friends and co-workers who are like my second family. There are so many great, caring and supportive people and it's good to be around them. I'm actually still going through re-training but feel confident I'll be able to jump right back into the full swing by this coming week.

Kalen and Jadyn had a good week at school. Jadyn loves school and socializing with all her friends and teachers. Kale does not and wishes he never had to go. HA! Hopefully he'll start enjoying it more and will have more to look forward to each day.

I've read a couple more good books. "Loved Walked In" and "Good Grief". Both were good, entertaining and uplifting. Thank God for books, since it's what I do with my quiet time right now. It's nice to read about other peoples dramas and problems instead of thinking of my own. :0)

Scott and I are doing fine. Everybody misses McKenna. Kalen wishes we could move to California and so do I, at times. It would be so nice to just move to a different place and start over again, since we are doing that anyway. We have a LOT of family there, so it wouldn't be like we are all alone. It would be nice to be somewhere warm and beautiful and have the ocean nearby. I guess it's in my Guamanian blood. I will never understand why my mother came to live in Minnesota, instead of sunny San Diego!

Emmie is getting big. She needs a haircut bad! She's so cute and it's fun to watch the dogs play. Emmie is like JJ..always on the go and irritating the other two. Rosie is like McKenna, always following us around and wanting to cuddle. And Toby is like Kalen, just watching it all go on and then jumping in to beat up on the two girls once in a while. Too funny!! (Rosie's here with me now, laying on the bed, cuddling next to me. Just like McKenna used to do.)

I had a dream last night that I was diagnosed with cancer. It seemed very real and I can even remember what the doctor looked like. In my dream, I was so sad for Scott and especially the kids, but inside, I was so happy because I knew I would die and go to be with McKenna. I have not had any dreams with McKenna in them yet....I'm waiting so anxiously to see her, hear her and be with her, if only in my dreams. Please God....

Wish there was more I could tell you...like we are suddenly not sad anymore and our days are filled with fun, busy things. But I can't. Tears are still falling as I write....

Hoping everybody out there is doing well. Take care and tell everybody you love, how much you love them. You are so blessed to be able to spend each day with them. I KNOW...and I pray you KNOW too.

Love you all,
Krista

Tuesday, January 8, 2008 7:20 AM CST

We are still missing our girl intensely. Everyday is a challenge to get through. Yesterday, after work, I was exhausted. I spent the day going through almost 2000 emails and many of them were messages of support and prayers for McKenna and our family. I am very thankful for them all, even though they made me cry!

My co-workers know this already, but my friends and family and CB followers do not....I got my haircut on Saturday! I mean, really cut! I woke up Saturday morning and just knew I HAD to get my haircut that day. I didn't even make an appointment, I just went. I told him what I wanted and he went to work. When it was done, Jadyn and I both said that it's the SAME cut/style that McKenna had, back in June. I honestly wasn't planning on that, but I LOVE IT! My life has changed so much over the past several months, and now my hairstyle has too.

One year ago today, we had found a buyer for our house and we were so elated. The kids were so happy and couldn't wait for the move to the new house and were even excited to start a new school. We had so many hopes and dreams.... Wow, what a difference a year makes. Excitement no longer exists for us. Hopes and dreams are gone, at least the ones that we had back then.

LOVE, HUG and KISS your kids today....NEVER take them for granted. Spend that hour reading with them, tuck them into bed, and kiss them goodnight. Tonight and always. They are such a beautiful gift.

We love you McKenna! Miss you sweet girl!

Krista, Scott, Kalen and JJ

PS. I'm posting that picture of McKenna, Scott and Aaron Baddeley...and the two of Kenna with her siblings, that I LOVE so much.

Thursday, January 3, 2008 9:02 PM CST

We've made some big strides in the past couple of days. Yesterday, Jadyn, niece Brittney and I, went to the hospital. We went to visit our friends, Kyle Field and his mom Catharina and dad Terry. As we pulled into the parking ramp, Jadyn started to cry. I asked if we should just turn around and come home and she said, " No, I'll be okay. I just miss Boo Boo." It was hard for all of us to go. To drive the familiar drive, to pull into the ramp and walk the familiar walk to the hospital, was painful to say the least. Passing the picture of Dr. Dusenberry in the tunnel, McKenna's radiation oncologist, and to see her smiling face, like we did on our hundreds of trips down that hall, was hard to see. McKenna and I always said, "There's Dr. Dusenberry!", every time we passed her picture in the tunnel. EVERY TIME. We did it again yesterday, only this time without sweet McKenna and her sweet little voice.

Seeing Kyle Field and TALKING with him was so AMAZING. After all he's been through, and how close he was to leading or following McKenna to Heaven, I am just simply in AWE of the miracle that he and his family have been blessed with. He is still a LONG way from getting out of the hospital, but to see him awake, moving and talking is so wonderful. Much better than laying in bed, paralyzed from the meds, heavily sedated and having machines breathe for him. Please pray for his strength to return and his spirit to be lifted as he continues this LONG journey of recovery and rehabilitation. He's got a LOT of hard work in front of him. We told him that Jadyn got ice skates for Christmas and his eyebrows shot up! (He's a figure skater) I told him that he has to hurry and get out of there so that he can give Jadyn some pointers. Can't wait to see him out of that hospital!

Before leaving the hospital, we ran into Aaron, one of the nurses aides, who used to take care of McKenna on the BMT ward. He used to hang out in our room and chat with us. When McKenna was feeling good, she'd tease him. McKenna really liked him and he was just one of the many that were so good to her there. It was good to see him. Then we went to the ICU and saw our nurse Hannah. Hannah took care of McKenna the last week or two in the ICU, pretty frequently. She was Kenna's nurse the day she died. She stayed well past her shift that day, and took care of McKenna until she was transported out of the room. She assured me that she wouldn't leave until they came to get her. She waited patiently, for our family to say goodbye, and then stayed there with her. I love her for that...I loved her anyway, but especially for taking care of her that last day. It was so good to see her and give her a hug and tell her "thank you" for all that she did for our precious Boo Boo. Hannah used to sing along to the Colby Calet and Carrie Underwood CD's that were playing in the room, while she worked. I loved that about her..I'm sure her sweet voice comforted McKenna during her many hours of laying in that bed, unable to move or speak. What a sweet, sweet nurse and we were so lucky to have her...especially on that last day. Thank you Hannah!!
SO--that was one HUGE step in the new chapter of our lives. Britt and Jadyn did really good and there were no tears while we were in the hospital. What strong little girls they are!

I passed another milestone today. I went to work for a few hours, to try to get my desk in order, as I'm returning for good on Monday. It was both great and difficult to see everybody today. I feel so "out of it" as I've been out of work for so long. I know it'll be good for me to get back to a routine, I know it's what I need, I know it'll get easier.... (I hope!)

McKenna Girl, Drama Queen, Princess, Boo Boo...we love you sweetie and we miss you so much! You will always be with us, in our hearts and on our minds, every single day for the rest of our lives. We look forward to the day when we'll be able to hug and kiss you again and pinch your cute little butt! You were a wonderful daughter and sister. You were always so spunky, feisty, sweet, loving, caring and funny! Thank you for blessing our family with 10 years of your beautiful spirit and for all that you have taught us along the way. We are ALL better people because you lived. You showed us what courage, strength, hope, love and faith are all about. You NEVER gave up. We will never forget.....

Til we meet again sweet girl, keep singing with those angels. I wonder if they have a Taco Bell in Heaven? Well-- if not, hopefully you're able to get some Chicken McNuggets! McDonalds are EVERYWHERE! LOVE YOU BABY GIRL!

Mom

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