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Sunday, January 14, 2007 10:20 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
Today is 3 years that my baby is gone. Just typing that makes my heart heavy. I spent the day with family and friends. We went to visit with Marcus and just stayed and talked and shared laughs. The we got together for light dinner. It was good to be with people because if I were alone I am not sure I would survive today. Tonight I am comforted as I feel Marcus with me. Whenever I feel myself slipping I can hear him say "mommy you are so strong. It's where I got my strenght to fight and you have to use that strength now." So I gather up my strength and I pull myself up and ahead. It is beyond difficult and exhausting at times. I have been thinking so much about those last days with Marcus. My memory is not good for those days but I do have flashs. Marcus was so brave. I do not think that
I would be that way when it is my turn. I believe I got my strength from him... It has been a long day so this will be short.

I wanted to wish each of you a very Happy New Year. May it be happy and healthy...there is nothing more then that. Be good to each other and love your family like never before.

My plea for blood and platelet donation will never stop. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make it a new years plan to go out and donate...the blood you give today will save someone tomorrow. Thank you so much.

I will close for now. Thank you so much for checking in on me. Your love and support has been amazing and i could never thank you enough. Please remember to hug you children and let them know how much you love them. Take care and God Bless

Marcus mommy loves you so much Boo.............
I love you to the power of infinity...and beyond
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Sunday, November 19, 2006 9:23 AM CST

Hello my dear friends
It has been awhile since I did an update. I guess I do not do this as often as i use to because life is pretty quiet for me these days. The things that have happen since my last update would be LIGHT THE NIGHT walk. It was a great success. Our team had 75 people and we raised over $10,000. I am still waiting for the final total. I am so proud of our team. I will try to add a link to this update so you can view the pictures from the walk. To all my friends and family i thank you so very much for working so hard to make FRIENDS OF MARCUS-FIGHTING FOR THE CURE such a success this year. I look forward to you joining me again next
http://www.kodakgallery.com/llsc-gta/lightthenightear.
I just celebrated my birthday on thursday. I missed Marcus so much that day. He always made my birthday so sweet. He was so happy to give me a gift and make me smile. It is times like that when my heart is so lonely and sad. It is the most emptiest feeling. My family had a dinner for me and it was so nice. It really did help to have family and friends with me. I am dreading christmas. I use to look forward to all the excitment for christmas but that was with Marcus. I pray that i will get through without to much heartache. Wow I am sounding pityful!! Just say a pray for me please and I know God will be with me to help me through...as will Marcus.

It is getting colder here in Canada. I am not a fan of winter. I love summer. But i do love falling snow on a nice warm night. It looks so beautiful. Hopefully it will be a short winter and not to rough. I hate dressing up warm with all tha winter clothes. Oh will time to embrace the weather as I am Canadian and should be use to this now.

This is my usual plea for you to go out and donate blood and platelets. Thre is such a high need during the colder weather. I am not sure why-maybe people cannot get out as much. Please consider going out and donating. You donation maybe the one to save someones life. Just imagine that for a minute. YOU SAVED A LIFE. It is a great feeling. Let me know if you did so I can feel great with you. Thanks so much for giving the gift of life.

I will close for now. Thank you all so much for checking in on me. It means so much that you think about me. Please remember to hug your children and let them know how much you love them. Until next time God Bless and take care

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my achng heart)
xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Monday, September 18, 2006 7:31 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
today my baby would be 11 years old. I use to wonder when he was a baby what he would be like at that age and thereafter...that is the time children develop their style and independence. He would have still be a caring and loving boy because that was his nature.
I had lunch with a few friends and then spent time with my family and visited with my baby. This day use to be the happiest of my life(because Marcus was born) today it is the sadest(because Marcus is not here with me) I will never forget the the feeling of complete love i felt when I held Marcus for the first time. It was overwhelming and felt so great. The years after have been so amazing because Marcus bought so much joy to my life. I treasure ever moment I had with my baby and I thank God everyday for the research that allowed me to have the time that I had with Marcus. I am so grateful to the people who fought this disease before us and paved the way for us. I thank everyone who raised money in the past toward research and support...and I thank everyone who continus to do the same today. Now I contine with this so that the future will be one that is CANCER FREE!!! Doesn't that sound great. NO MORE CANCER BECAUSE A CURE HAS BEEN FOUND.

My thoughts are scattered today so I will not write much. I thank you all so very much for checking in on me and supporting me and not judging me. This is a difficult journey and one that does not have a "book to read to follow the guidlines" I learn as I go along and I am doing the best I can. I will NEVER be over Marcus' death nor will I ever be the same person. Yet I am still living my life and doing things to help others. I think Marcus and God would be proud of me.

Please remember to go out and donate blood and/or platelets
and I would be honored if you did so in Marcus' memory. His one wish on his birthday was to have a blood donor clinic. I pray you will continue with his wish. Thanks so much for considering this and help give life to another person.

I will close for now. Please remember to hug your children and let them know how much you love them. Thank you again for checking in on me...it means so much. Take care and God Bless.

Marcus I love you so much and miss beyond words. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BEAUTIFUL BABY.

I LOVE YOU TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Tuesday, August 15, 2006 5:35 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
It has been 2 years and 7 months since my baby went to Heaven. Today would be 3 years that Marcus had his transplant. I had such hope back then. I had so much faith in the medicine,in God... Today has been a wave of emotions. I find myself walking around feeling like I should be doing something but don't know what. I watch the children outside playing and it hurts so much that my baby is not out there with them. I would love to hear him laugh as they are laughing now. This is just so unfair and cruel. I don't know how I am doing this. Somedays,like today,it is just to much to handly. It is so exhausting...all I want to do is sleep. Not every day is like this. I miss you so much Marcus. I know you are with me-I just want so much more baby...

I have been away for awhile visiting my mom in Newfoundland and then to New Jersey for my nieces wedding. It has been nice. Now I am back to reality and work. If only I could win the lotto

I am rearing up for Light The Night which is on Oct 5th. If you would like to join our team please let me know. If you would like to donate to our team you can go to my site at

www.active.com/donate/ltntor/1925_TReardoLTN
I thank you for supporting/joining me on that day

This is my ususal plea for you to go out and donate blood/platelets. Someone right now needs you to keep them alive...please search your hearts and help save a life today. Thank you so much for giving the gift of life

I will close for now. I thank you for checking in on me. I do not update much but I do check my messages...and thank you for checking in on me. Your support over the years has been my rock. Please remember to hug you children and let them know how much you love them. God Bless and take care

Lots of Love and Prayers
Teresa (mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Friday, June 9, 2006 9:03 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends
It has been 29 months since my baby went to Heaven...it has been forever but feels like yesterday. The days are not as "unmanageable" as they were before. I can get through the days now and even smile and laugh at times. Sometimes I feel so guilty for trying to be "happy" but I know Marcus would want me to laugh. He always tried to make me laugh with his jokes. He told me when I laughed he felt happy...so I am trying.

I did Relay for life last week with a team called "Friends of Emily" I met this family at Sick Kids when Marcus and Emily were in tretment. Emily passed 6 months after Marcus at the age of 2 years. Marcus adored her and wanted to be around her all the time. You could always find them together in each others rooms. They were with us last week as we "spend the night together" for the walk. It started at 7pm-7am. As a whole $500,000 was raised toward cancer. It is a moving event and I was so proud to be there with my friends. Thank you for letting me share this with you all. To my friend Andrea...thank you so much for being with me...I love you. Now I am prepaing for "Light The Night" which is in Oct 5,2006. This is in Marucs memory. If you would like to be on our team please let me know. We had 40 people last year(largest team) so I am aiming for a larger group this year.

I just wanted to thank some very special friends who remain "close" to me during this time in my life. Your constant calling and taking me out or going for coffee has been so important to me. People feel that I should be "fine" now so they do not call as often or come over. Well the truth is I am still a grieving mother and that will NEVER change. I try not to be so bad to be around so that people will not be uncomfortable...but real friends understand. For those "real" friends thank you so very much with all my heart. The Lord has been good to me in giving me your friendship...

This is my usual plea for you to go out and donate platelets and/or blood. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't waste another minute thnking about if you should do this...please give the gift of life...Thank you so much

I will close for now. I pray that you are all happy and healthy. Please remember to pray for all the children who are struggling now. Please remember to hug you children and let them know how much you love them. Thanks for checking in on me. Take care and God Bless

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 8:16 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends
It has been 2 years,2 months and 2 weeks since my baby left to be with God. Today would be 3 years since Marcus was diagnosed with Leukemia. Good lord where is the time going. I was in Cancun when my sister called me to tell about the results of the bloodwork. It was the most unreal feeling. I could not get back to Toronto that day due to an ice storm in Toronto(you would not say that today) I did get back the next day-and had to deal with SARS. I have been thinking so much about that time. Last night I woke up and thought I saw Marcus sleeping beside me...it felt so good,then I realized it was a vision. A beautiful vision that did not last. Memories-they can make you smile or cry-sometimes both at the same time...and I would not trade them for anything. When I am having a bad day I know Marcus reminds me of a happy time with him and it makes me laugh. I know he is with me always helping me everyday to live life better...and I really am trying...but it is so hard...

Just wanted to mention that THE HOSPITAL FOR SICK CHILDREN is doing their radiothon on April 5,6,7. You can listen to it on 1010 CFRB,MIX 9909 FM,97.3 FM EZ ROCK. It is an emotional time to hear all the children and what they have gone through or are going through. It is a different world when you are in a hospital for children.

I ask that you remember all the children in your prayers. I especially ask that you pray for our friend Jeremie. He had his transplant and relapsed. They are trying something new for him and it is a waiting game. He will be having test tomorrow to see how everything is...please keep him and all the children in your prayers

This is my usual plea for you to go out and donate blood and /or platelets. My sister did her usual donation this week and they told her it was going directly to Sick kids for a child waiting for it...it made her feel so proud that she was doing this...and she felt Marcus with...and knew he went to Sick Kids to the child that got the platelets...that was the way Marcus was...he always cared so much about the other children. So please Please please donate today...there could be a child WAITING for you today.

I am starting to organize my walk for Oct 5,2006. It is LIGHT THE NIGHT If you would like to walk with me please let me know. I hope to increase our group for 40 last year to 60 this year. Thanks for thinking about this.

I will close for now. I thank you for dropping in and checking on me. Please remember to hug you children and let them know how much you love them. Take care and God Bless

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Wednesday, February 22, 2006 10:21 AM CST

Hello my dear friends
It has been 2 years,1 month and 8 days since my baby joined God in Heaven. It has been a rough couple of months for me emotionally...as I know you know. You would think I would be doing a little better-and sometimes I am-yet most of the time I am not. I am angry alot,crying alot,tired alot and just so sad alot. I go to work and just long to be home in bed reading. Perhaps the winter is not helping. There is just so much sadness around me...
On Jan14th was Marcus' 2nd year gone...on that same day this year our little friend Hannah passed at The Hospital for Sick Children. She had a transplant and relapsed shortly after. It is strange to think that they will share the same day and they were friends. I have a picture of Hannah in my livingroom with Marcus at HSC in the craft room...both smiling as they were enjoying life...

Life...now there is a mystery. I find myself thinking about this alot. What is it all about? Why do things happen as they do? If you have any answers for me or reading that could help I would love to hear from you.

So what is new with me...I am working on go back to university to get further education with my nursing. I hope to eventually-teach or other areas as well as patient care. People often tell me that I would be a good teacher so I guess I may look there. At least there is a plan in my future so that is promising. Other then that not much more. Yes I know boring boring boring...

This of course is my usual plea for you to go out and donate blood and/or platelets. You never know when you will need someone to help you or someone you love...and then you can be proud to say that YOU also helped save a life. This week at work(I work in the Emerg Dept) there was such a shortage of blood and platlets...people had to waiting a significantly long time to get transfusions due to the shortage. This can be so dangerous to their lives. So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take a short time out of your life to help give life to another person...it is free and the greatest gift you can ever give...

Please remember all the children in your prayers. They are such beautiful gifts from God and do not deserve this illness or any kind of illness/abuse. A special pray for our friend Jeremie who also had a transplant and relapsed. So far he is clear in the bone marrow but it is present in his leg. Jeremie and Marcus would hang out alot playing wrestling. I know Marcus is watching over him but I also need lots of prayers...thank you all so much.

I will close for now. Please remember to hug your children
and let them know how much you love them. Thank you for checking in on me...it means so much. Take care and God Bless

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Sunday, January 15, 2006 4:17 PM CST

Hello dear friends
Well here I am 2 years later since my baby went to be with God. Jan14,2004 was the worse day of my life. I do not believe I can even compare it with anything I have ever or will ever experience in life. When I lost my dad,after he had open heart surgery,I thought my world would fall apart. I grieved for him and still do-but nothing compared to losing my own child. I am not sure how I am surviving. I guess I have some mighty strong "guidance from above". Yesterday family and friends gathered with me at the cemetery to pray and then we went to mass. After they joined me at our family restaurant for dinner. It felt peaceful to be surrounded by people who care for Marcus and myself. I can say I made it through yesterday with the help of my family and friends. For this I thank you so much for being with me. Today I feel drained. It is the whole realization that 2 years have passed and now I am working on my 3rd year. Can you even imagine not seeing or hearing your baby for that long...no don't imagine it...not even for a minute. I never want another parent or family to feel this kind of pain and emptiness. Word are sometimes hard to express how I am feeling. Just know that this is a life time journey for me now and I am not the same person.

A parent who lost their child emailed me something that I would like to share with you. It is more a wish list for me to offer others

When You Wish Upon A Star
Every time I am in a group of bereaved parents, I hear people say things like "I wish my child hadn't died" or "I wish I had him/her back." Those wishes, unfortunately, can never come true. Another wish I hear is "I wish my
friends (or Church, or neighbors, or relatives) understood what I am going through and were more supportive." This wish has some possibility of coming true, if
we are able to be honest and assertive with the people around us. What do we wish others understood about the loss of our child?

Here is a partial list of such wishes:

I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important and I need to hear his/her name. I wish you would not feel awkward if I mention his/her name.
If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it is not because you hurt me: The fact that my child died has caused my tears.
You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
I wish you would not "kill" my child again by removing from your home his/her picture, artwork, or other remembrances.
I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you would not think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or if I have a bad day, I
need psychiatric counseling.
I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you would
not compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse or pet.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you would not shy away from me.
I wish you knew that all the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.
I wish you would not expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent", but will forever be a "recovering bereaved parent."
I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illness and be accident-prone; all of which may be related to my grief.Our child's birthday, the anniversary of his/her death, and the holidays are
terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about our children these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.
It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have been taught all our
lives and hopefully come to some new understanding with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without making me feel guilty.
I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs. These are temporary crutches and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get "back to my old self”, you will stay frustrated. I am
a new Creature, with new thought, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs.
Please try to get to know the "new me" --- Maybe you will like me still.

I hope that wasn't to direct. It is just something to think about.

Another parent emailed me the following which I found "interesting" and wanted to share

WHAT IS NORMAL

NORMAL is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's day and Easter.

NORMAL is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or a birthday party. Yet, feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers, see the casket, and all the crying
people.

NORMAL is feeling like you can't sit through another minute without screaming because you just don't like to sit through church anymore. And yet at the
same time feeling like you have more faith in God than you ever had before.

NORMAL is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your families life.

NORMAL is not sleeping because a thousand "what ifs" go through your head constantly.

NORMAL is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have some "noise" because the silence is deafening.

NORMAL is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday common event and then gasping in horror at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become part of normal conversation.

NORMAL is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and surviving those days. And trying to find a balloon or flag that fits the occasion, "Happy Birthday"? Not really!

NORMAL is a new friendship with another bereaved parent and meeting over coffee and talking and crying together over your children. And worrying together over the surviving children.

NORMAL is being too tired to care if you paid your bills, cleaned your house, did the laundry or if there is food in the house.

NORMAL is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have 2 or 3 children because you will never see this person again, and is it worth explaining that one of them has passed away. And yet, when you say 2 children to avoid the problem you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your child.

NORMAL is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think you are "NORMAL".

I guess what I am doing here is letting you know alittle of my "new world" I know it is not perfect but it is all I can handle right now. I am pleasantly surprised that I am still strong enough to continue with this journaling. Sometimes I feel it is to hard...and then I feel drawn to do this. It keeps me connected to you all. This is so important to me. I have received so much support and help from here and I am not ready to let it go just yet. So I hope you will allow me to continue and you will continue to support me.

As I type this there is a commerical on TV for The Hospital For Sick Children. They are talking about a little girl who has Leukemia. She is doing well thanks to the continued support of donors and research. It warms my heart to know that these children are doing well. I could say one of my wishes here but you already know what it is...

I do believe this is the longest entry I have ever did. Sometimes when you get me started there is no stopping me. But I will start to close now.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Remember to go out and donate blood and/or platelets. Also consider being a Bone Marrow Donor. Call you local Red Cross and they will help. Thank you for helping to put a smile on another families face.

BLOOD DONOR CLINIC
Saturday Jan 21,2006 from 11am-3pm
at St Martin De Porres Church
Please consider donating blood at this time.
Thank you so very much for giving the gift of life.

I will close for now. Thank you again for continuing to check on me. You support has been my lifeline. Please remember to hug you children and let them know how much you love them. Please remember all the children in your prayers. Much love to all of you. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXO

Saturday, December 17, 2005 11:43 AM CST

Hello dear friends
23 months since my baby joined God in Heaven. When I look back on that last Christmas together I smile. It was the best Christmas ever. Even Marcus said it was. On Christmas Day my whole family(and it is large) gathering in the church hall for dinner together and just enjoying ourselves. It was so bittersweet. In my heart I did not want to believe it would be our last but if it was to be I wanted it to be so amazing for Marcus. He was so happy to be with his cousins,aunts and uncles and oma and grandma. He had not seen them in so long as he was in isolation for his transplant. He was so excited to be everyone. I thank God for that special time with Marcus and my family. It is one memory that hold special in my heart. This year my feels are so mixed. I am trying to "enjoy" the season but my heart is so heavy. I go to the mall to buy gifts and I develop such panic attachs. I force myself to stay where I am and try to get it to past. It just that it grabs my heart and I feel like I am going to lose it. I look at the children and how happy they are. I especially look at the boys that are Marcus' age and how they are looking at the toys(just as Marcus would do to decide what he wanted) I would catch myself staring at these young boys and picturing Marcus...and then think if the parents caught me doing this how would I explain??? It is just so emotional these days.When I hear a child call out "mommy" I close my eyes and hear Marcus. I did not decorate as there is noone to decorate for. I am not interested in looking at lights and such in my house. I go to friends houses and family and that is enough for me. I know I sound miserable...that is because I am. I hope when the season passes I will get better... Yet then I will be getting closer to Jan 14th...the day Marcus left me. So I guess I am entitled to feeling sorry for myself...sorry

I am asking for some prayers for a few friends of mine. You remember Marcus' friend Jeremie...he relapsed post transplant. He is doing well and trying something new in the New Year. Please pray that all goes well. Also another little friend of Marcus' Hannah who has also relapsed post transplant...please pray that there are options for her. It is so unfair that these children go through so much to try and get better...only to have the cancer come back. Please keep all the children in your prayers over the Christmas holidays.

PLEASE REMEMBER TO GO OUT AND DONATE BLOOD AND/OR PLATELETS. There is a need and the christmas season and the spirit of christmas is a good time to give the gift of life. Thank you all so much

Before I close I want to wish you all a very MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR. Enjoy your family and make lots of great memories. Peace and love to you all

Thank you all so much for checking in on me. Your support means so much to me. Please remember to hug your children and let them know how much you love them. Take care and God Bless

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)

I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Thursday, November 10, 2005 6:50 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
22 months since my baby left me to be with God. Even typing that is hard. Sometimes when I sit and think real hard it feels like FOREVER that I had my baby in my arms. When I get this way it scares me. I never thought I would make it to this point. I remember when Marcus first passed and I spoke with other parents who have lost children. They were 1 year,2 years and more into this journey. I remember saying to myself-"I will never be able to survive being without Marcus that long". Yet here I am. How have I survived?? I really cannot answer that. I know there have been times when I was close to not wanting to live anymore. It was Marcus' telling me it was not my time that hit home with me. I struggle everyday with this. I give alot of credit to my family and friends. They have been so good and supportive to me...and I thank you so very much.There are times when people look at me and say-"Teresa you are looking well,you are dealing with this well" I smile and say thank you. My inner self and outer self are always in conflict. But I do not want to make others feel uncomfortable around me so I put on my gameface before I leave my house. It can be exhausting but I knw that I have to be this way for my own survival. People often say it is my eyes that give me away-I will try to work harder at that...Thank you to all of you that continue to support me and understand that I am still in deep greiving and will be for the rest of my life. I guess I just have to try and live each day as best as I can. I appreciate that people do not suggest that I "get over it" or " move on with my life because Marcus is in my past" Those statments are not comforting-they make me angry. I never what another parent to experience this so I don't expect other to understand....but trying to "understan" means alot to me and I thank you all so much.

Anyways that was enough of me be so negative. I know I have not u[pdated in a long time. There has been so much going on in my life and the fact that I am so tired all the time. We had a fantastic LIGHT THE NIGHT on Oct 6th. We raised over $90,000.00 (our group raised $7,000) It was a beautiful night-so warm. We walked in front of Sick Kids hospital and waved to the children. It was bittersweet. I could picture Marcus up at those windows as we often sat there and watched the world. God how I miss you Marcus.
So I thank each and everyone of you for supporting me in this walk in anyway that you did. I hope to see you again next year.

A few months ago I asked for prayers for a friend of Marcus-who we met whil going through treatment. Jeremie and Marcus would hang out and play wrestling games alot. They beame very close in a short time(there is a picture of them on Marcus front page) Jeremie had a transplant just over 100 days ago. He has gone through alot since transplant but pulled through. Last week his mother got the news that no parent wants to hear "Jeremies leukemia is back-he has relapsed" I remember this time. It was the same time for Marcus and Me. The emptiness and sadness and "hope" of finding another answer. Yet the doctors do not give you hope. This where we are with Jeremie firht now. I am working with his mom to find another "answer" but it is not looking good. I feel so helpless for them. This family is so important to me. I was at their house and we went to a movie together. Jeremie asked me if I would change his dressing to his PICC line. I felt very honored that he would trust me to so this. I love this boy and I pray that God will find the answer for him I ask that you pray for Jeremie and his family. Please pray that an answer will be found to help him. Thank you so much.

I must say Halloween was rough this year. I was all prepared with candy for the children. When I got home from work I realized that I would not be able t do it. I got my neighbour to give out the candy and to let the children know I was sleeping. I know that sounds selfish but my heart could not take it. I turned off all the lights and went to my room. I still heard the children laughting-it was sweet but I could not get into it. I will try harder next year...

This is my usual plea for you to donate blood and/or platelets. Also consider being a Bone Marrow Donor. You can call you local Red Cross and find out more about these. I thank yu so much for considering this and giving the greatest gift of all-the gift of life.

I will close for now. I thank you for continuing to check in on me and supporting me. You have kept me strong and I am so grateful. Please remember to hug you kids and let them know how much you love them. God Bless and take care

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Monday, September 19, 2005 12:42 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends
It has been 20 months and 5 days since my baby joined God in Heaven. It has been so long since I held him and heard his voice. I miss you so much baby. One day away from you is way too much to handle. God only know why I am still here without you. I have been on this journey for 20 months and the thought of the future without you scares me. One day without you is enough. Yesterday was Marcus’ 10th birthday. It is so hard to believe that my baby would be 10. I know he would be a wonderful boy if he were here with me. He had a spirit that was beyond his years. He had a strength that I relied on. I tapped into that strength yesterday to help me get through the day. My family and friends joined me yesterday as we went to visit with Marcus. We said prayers and spoke about Marcus. Then we released red balloons (his favorite color) into the sky. At night we attended church. My heart felt so heavy all day. I am so thankful to my family and friends for being with me. Thank you to all who got in touch with me to wish me well. Thank you to all who remembered my baby yesterday. I fear that people will forget him and that hurts me so much. I sent out a special request to my family and friends which I will add here. When Marcus was in transplant we celebrated his 8th birthday. I asked him what he wanted. What he asked for touched me deeply. He wanted me to have a blood donor clinic so that we could always have blood available to the children so that they would not suffer. Here was an 8 year old boy who should be out playing and riding his bike-but he was fighting for his life and caring that the other children were doing fine. I am so very proud of my little man. So I am asking that you help me keep my babies wish alive by going out and donating blood/platelets. Please call you nearest Red Cross and find out where a clinic is closest to you. If you live near me

BLOOD DONOR CLINC
ST MARTIN DE PORRES CHURCH
SEPT 30,2005
3PM-7PM

Thank you so much for giving the gift of life.

Thank you to Terry (Julianne Bananas’ daddy) for the special tribute to Marcus. You are the sweetest man and I thank you for remembering my baby as you do. Her site is www.caringbridge.org/canada/julianne


It is 2 weeks before my LIGHT THE NIGHT walk. I want to thank all the people who will be joining me on Oct 6th. If you would like to join me or to donate please go to www.lightthenight.org or email me at trrn@sympatico.ca Thank you so much for doing your part in helping to make cancer history.

I will close for now. Thank you all so much for checking in on me and remembering my baby. Please remember to pray for all the sick children that are fighting for their lives. Please remember to give your children a hug and let them know how much you love them. Take care and God Bless

Love and Prayers
Teresa (mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever I my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU TO THE POWER OF INFINITY…AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Saturday, August 13, 2005 12:44 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends
19 months since my baby left me to be with God. That is such a long time...eternity it feels like. How my heart aches to even think about all that time without him...and how much more before I am with him. This is not an easy jouney. As of late I have not been dealing with it as "well" as I would hope. I guess I have finaaly realized that Marcus is not coming back to me in this lifetime. I will never again see his sweet face and hear his sweet laugh. I try hard but when I think about this I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper...into despair. I have sought medical help and I know that I have alot of people who understand. It was very difficult for me to admit that I am depressed as I am a strong person. But yes I am depressed-and knowing it is half the battle. Now I am dealing with it and getting help. The signs were all there but I kept relating it to something else...anything else. It came to a head this week and I finally got help. It will be a difficult time but I do hope that all that know me will understand and be patient with me as I try to heal and get "better". I am functioning daily and go to work,but it is hard. My coworkers are great...and I thank you all so much for the support. So please don't worry as I have so much love and support around me that I will get better...and my little man is always with me and helping me every step of this journey...I Love You Marcus

I am moving full ahead with my LIGHT THE NIGHT event. Thank you to all that have donated and are walking with me. It warms my heart to know how many people care and want to help with this event. If you are interested in donating and/or walking please email me at trrn@sympatico.ca and I will contact you...thank you for considering this. With all of our help we can help other families and work towards our goal..."HELP MAKE CANCER HISTORY" To know more about this event you can go to www.lightthenight.org

Just asking for prayers for a little girl at our hospital who relapsed again and is having a transplant. Hannah is 9 years old and has been through more in her short life than many do in a lifetime. Please keep her in your prayers as she prepares for the next stage of treatment. Also I mentioned before about Jeremie who had his transplant last month. He is doing well. He has had a few scares but is doine "well" at this time. Please continue to keep him and all the children in your prayers...Thank you so much

This is my usual plea for you to go out and donate blood and platelets. Taking a short time out your life to give life to another person...how much more rewarding does it get. To those who continue to donate...I thank you so very much from myself and all the families who need you. Please give the gift of life-donate today.

I will close for now. Thank you again to my family and friends for always supporting me...I love you. Please remember to hug you children and let them know how much you love them. Take care and God Bless

Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXO

Thursday, July 7, 2005 10:03 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends
17 months,3 weeks since my baby joined God in Heaven...the time just seems to go on. Yet God has not answered my prayers and pleads to sent my baby back to me. In a non reality type of way I really thought he would. I mean how could He ask me to live the rest of my life without Marcus??? The very thought of this scares me so much. it grabs ahold of my heart and stomach and I can be violently ill. This is how I live my days. I try to put a smile on my face so that people do not have to feel uncomfortable around me. I do not want to be known as the mother whose child died and cannot function...even though it may be correct. It is a strange thing...I want to "fit" in this world again yet find I never will be the same. When I am around my friends or at work...we talk about everyday life things and their children. They share with me what they do as a family or what the children are doing for the summer. I am so happy for their happiness...yet so sad that I will NEVER again do these things with my baby. This is so damn unfair. What did I do or Marcus do that we deserved this??? He was the most loving and caring boy in the world. He loved his family,friends and those he came to know at the hospital. He cared more for the crying boy next door at that hospital then his own pain...so he told the nurse to go take care of the little boy first,that he would be ok. I miss you so much Marcus. Everyday is a struggle not to be with you. I pray so hard for the strength to carry on but sometimes it just does not seem worth it. I thank God for my family and friends who have been here for me to help me evey step. As you may tell I am not doing well. They say the second year is harder...well I can believe it. There has been way to much time between me not seeing and holding my baby. Everytime I see a baby that looked like Marcus as a baby I just want to take him and run. I wish this could be a more happier journaling but I am so tired of trying to be "happy" so please forgive me...

Marcus' friend Jeremie has started his BMT regime yesterday. He will have his transplant on July 14th. Please keep him in your prayers. Please remember all the children and their families and say a prayer for them. I thank you so much for this

Our little friend John Cotter has finished treatment after 3 years of intense chemo. John I am so proud of you and your family after everything you have been through. Marcus is watching over you sweetie...love to you all.

I have been painting my house...worked around Marcus' room. I know that I have to "deal" with it someday...but not this day. Thank you Donna,Carly and Caitlin for all the help with the painting...I love you.

As I mentioned before I will be doing a walk for Leukemia/Lymphoma on Oct 6th called LIGHT THE NIGHT. I have formed a team called "FRIENDS OF MARCUS-WALKING FOR THE CURE" If you would like to join me or donate I would love to hear from you. You can email me privately at trrn@sympatico.ca and I will be in touch. I would love to have so many people with me for that day as we walk for hope for a cure. Thank you for considering this. If you would like to know more about this event you can go to www.lightthenight.org

This is my usual plea for you to PLEASE go out and donate blood and/or platelets. The summer is a difficult time for blood services with all the accidents...so there is a shortage.Please search your hearts and give the gift of life. Also if you have not done so please consider being on the Bone Marrow Registery-you can call your local blood service office to find ot more. In Toronto it is 1-800-TO DONATE

I will close for now. I thank you for dropping in and checking on me. It warms my heart that you still remember me and my baby. I pray that people NEVER forget Marcus. Please remember to hug your children and let them know how much you love them. Take care and God Bless

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Saturday, June 4, 2005 3:25 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
16months,2 weeks,4 days and counting...since my baby left me to be with God. Sometimes I will be sitting doing nothing and Marcus' face will come into my visual field...and I have to remind myself again and again that he is not with anymore. When that reality hit me I feel like there is no more meaning to life. I mean how could life still be existing without my baby in it...yet it is. How do I continue to exist without my baby here...yet I am(athough barely). I find it hard to look at pictures but I did the other day and had a great meltdown. I don't mind having those sometimes as it releases my anger...but it is very exhausting. Summer is nearing and it is so nice to hear the children outside playing. I go to my window and watch them and I can see Marcus outside playing with them...he loved being outside with his friends. These children are always so special to me. They call out to and ask if I am ok. I pray they never forget Marcus because I now he will never forget them...The ice cream truch has started to come around again. That hurts alittle...Marcus would hear the bells from the truch and come running to me and say,"mommy would you like an ice cream" when he really meant,"mommy I would love an ice cream for you and I if you give me the money I will go get them" It was always a sweet time as we sat on the stairs outside with all the kids and ate our ice cream(forget about the diet at those times) One day I will enjoy the ice cream again.

So last night I participated in RELAY FOR LIFE. It was a very beautiful and emotional night. I stayed up all night and walked the track with my friends and team mates. At 10 pm the light were turned of and all that was seen was the candles that surrounded the track. These candles were purchased by family in honor/memory of loved ones. As I stood beside the candles for Marcus I weeped for all that I have lost and all that others have lost. I prayed for all of us that are grieving and strength for those that still fight. We raised 400,000 last nights event...that is amazing. I thank all my team members for a wonderful night
Cynthia&Bruce(Angel Emilys parents),Jody and Kim,Paul and Lynne, and Tricia. A special thank you to my wonderful friend Andrea...for remembering my baby always and showing that you do...it meant so much to me. Thanks for spending the night with me and getting all emotional with me...I LOVE YOU...let's do it again in October when we do LIGHT THE NIGHT. My muscle are hurting but it is a good hurt for a good cause...THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO SPONSERED ME ON THIS WALK..GOD BLESS YOU.

I am starting to put together a team for my walk in October 6,2005. it will be called FRIENDS OF MARCUS-WALKING FOR THE CURE. If you would like to be on the team let me know and I will put you on my mailing list. Thanks for considering this.

This is my usual plea for you to go out and donate blood and platelets. There is a stortage so please considering giving the gift of life. Also please consider being a bone marrow donor. I mentioned to you before about a friend of Marcus' who was looking for a donor and there was none found. Well I just got word from Jeremies' mom that a match has been found...THANK YOU GOD. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE consider being a donor. THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH

I will close now and rest my aching muscles. I pray that you are all doing well. Please remeber to hug you children and let them know how much you love them. Take care and God Bless

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXXOXOXOXOXXO
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXXXOXO

Tuesday, May 3, 2005 4:49 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
Time continues to go on...for me it has been 15 months,2 weeks and 4 days. The further I go away from the moment Marcus passed the emptier I fell. I fear that his beautiful face will fade from my memory...is that possible. When I close my eyes and see his face it is os beautiful. He is smiling his big smile and telling me how much he loves me to the power of infinity...and beyond. I have settled into a new kind of life these days...not happy but not always sad. I try to find things to laugh about. I actually had a good laugh yesterday as I thought about a memory about Marcus. It was our last christmas and we were in the hospital. We had a day pass and just arrived back to the hospital and the phone rang(it was 9pm) I answered the phone and a male voice asked to speak with Teresa(me) He introduced himself as THE ROCK from WWE. Marcus is a big fan of The Rock. Of course I did not believe him and gave him a hard time. So I gave the phone to Marcus and he confirmed that it was indeed THE ROCK. I listened as Marcus spoke. They talked about wrestling and such. Then Marucs said."my momm downloaded your new movie from the computer." I looked at him and he realized that I was not allowed to do that-so Marcus contined,"but it didn't work!" My little man -how innocent... It is these memories that give my heart warmth. If you have any that you would like to share with me I would love to hear from you.

So I went on my vacation to Cuba. It was so beautiful at the resort and hot. I ofcourse have a good sunburn(being a redhead) but it looks good. It was a relaxing week. I went on a day tour around Cuba. It was a real eye opener. The people are so nice. I did learn alot about Cuban people and am so impressed by there hard work. So I returned to Canada and it is raining out and cold-oh well that is home. Marcus was on my mind so much while in Cuba. There were so many children and they were having so much fun. I was so sad that Marcus and I never had a chance to do this together...so much we never got to do together... I felt him with me everyday and heard him tell me not to get burnt...sorry Marcus I didn't listen...

I have decided to do LIGHT THE NIGHT in Marcus' memory. It will be in the fall and I will start the process soon. I am looking for members to join with me in this walk to raise money for Leukemia research. If you are interested email me privately and I will fill you in. It will be at Queens Park and we walk downtown and up to Sick Kids and Princess Margaret Hospital. I have some other things happening and I will let you all know when it is more final.

Well Mothers Day is approaching this weekend. It seemed to come upon me way to fast. Marcus always made something at school for me and made sure it was a beautiful day for me. I hope he knew that having him with me was all the special I needed. I miss you so much Marcus and will always treasure the time we had together...I love you

This is my usual plea for you to go out and donate blood or platelets. Michelle I am proud that you continue to donate. Please thank your boss for me and let her know how much it means her doing this for others and you doing this for others. Thank you my friend for always thinking about my baby...

I will close for now. I thank you all for dropping by and checking in on me. It always warms my heart to hear from you. To all the mothers>>>>HAPPY MOTHERS DAY>>> from one mother to another:):):) Please remember to hug your children and little longer an let them know how much you love them. Take care and God Bless

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXO
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Monday, April 4, 2005 11:14 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends
14 months,2 weeks and 4 days since my baby left me to be with God. My heart has ached every minute of that time. 2 years ago today our lives changed. Marcus was diagnosed with Leukemia.I was in Cancun(my first vacation ever)
I was there a few days when my sister called to tell me the blood results were back and they were talking about blood cancer. I had her threeway me to the doctor and he confirmed. I was unable to get a flight back to Toronto because we were having an ice storm...that was cruel. When I finally did get back Toronto was also suffering from SARS. My sister had to meet me downstairs in the hospital before I could go to Marcus. When I walked into his room my heart fell apart(but I did not let him know that) He had IV in both hands(which he did not like because he could not play his games) I was so happy to see him and I know he was so happy to see me. Those were dark days but I treasure every moment we had together at that time. It was so precious. We developed a special kind of bond...that reaches beyond this world. Today as I reflect on those days I have some advice for all the parents that read this journal. PLEASE always take the time to be with your children. Go to the park,play that game that they ask you to play,take the time to answer the questions,take the time to read a book to them, take the time to hold them andkiss them...forget about the house work or the work on the car...it will be there tomorrow...but will your children???

I went to see a medium last week and it was beautiful. All I will say is that I know my baby is safe and with my brother and my father...and he is with me always. This gives me happiness-although bittersweet. I know not everyone believes in mediums and that is fine...but for me I wanted this and needed this.

I ask that you add a very special young man to your prayers. Marcus and I made friends with a special family while we were in treatment. Jeremie and his mom Anne. I spokewith them this week and Jeremie has relapsed. Please pray that this relaspse protocol is what they need for complete recovery...THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I also ask that you remember a family that is greiving now. A family that I have come to know as there daughter has leukemia. This little girl lost her daddy this week to a train accident. Please remember Molly her brother Billy and mommy Donna in your prayers
www.caringbridge.org/ny/mollyg


This is my usual plea for you to go out and donate blood or platelets. Also please remember those children that are in need of a Bone Marrow Treansplant and sign up to be a donor. This week the Rapter "NELLY" lost his sister to leukemia because they could not find a donor. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE...CONSIDER BEING A DONOR. Thank you all so much for giving the gift of life...

I will close now and I need to get ready for work...some things never change...
Thank you for stopping in to check on me. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful people who care about me.
Please remember to hug your kids and let them know how much you love them. Take care and God Bless

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart_
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
THE HOSPITAL FOR SICK CHILDREN IS HAVING A TELEATHON ON APRIL 13/14/15. PLEASE LISTEN TO 99.9/97.3/98.1 AND DONATE TO THE HOSPITAL. YOU CAN DONATE IN SOMEONES MEMORY IF YOU WISH. OR YOU CAN CALL THE HOSPITAL AND DONATE. THANKS AGAIN :):)

Friday, March 11, 2005 10:59 AM CST

Hello my dear friends
14 months ago my baby joined God and his other friends in Heaven. Knowing he is with God and his friends makes me feel warm inside...yet the pain that pulls at my heart is not allowing me to be ok with all of this. I have been having a rough time lately. People say that the second year(I cannot believe that I am into the second year) is worse than the first. I did not understand that...until now. Yet how can any year from now on be "good". I wish there was a magic pill that could make me enjoy each day. I try so hard to think about all the good times Marcus and I had...and I do yet I became so upset and in pain that I will not have this again. Then my mind goes to all the suffering he had to endure to try and get better. Why did he have to go through all that only to die in the end??? Marcus loved life,he loved his family/friends and wrestlers. When he was first diagnosed he said to me,"mommy,I do not want to die." A 7 year old child voicing this and God must have heard him:(:(:( Sometimes I am doing work at home and I repeat to myself..."Marcus is gone,Marcus is gone" and it does not register....yet I feel his absence in my life. It has been so long since I held my baby in my arms. So long since he looked me in the eyes with such a big smile and said,"mommy I love you to the power of infinity...and beyond." I would always reply with,"and I love you more then that." He would always say,"that is impossible to love me more then I love you." and the game continued. It would always make us laugh and it was so beautiful. God how I miss him...

I just found out that a young boy that began treatment at Sick Kids when he was 15 years old-now 19 years old-has passed. Christopher continued his treatment at Princess Margreat Hospital(PMH) where he had a BMT. Please include his family in your prayers -his website is www.caringbridge.org/ca/christophersfight
Please include all the children in your prayers. This is a horrible beast called cancer. It appears that everyone I meet has been touched by cancer in some way. Please pray that a cure is found for this beast. No other family should have to experience this pain again.

I just receved a letter from Sick Kids. They are holding a memorial service for the children that passed. I will be going but my heart is aching to think about this. I look forward to seeing the families and medical staff again but I ache for the reason.

So what is new with me. My knee is getting better. I am losing weight and planning a vacation in the sun. Work is work. Same thing day after day. So a vacation is maybe what I need. I get scared when I think about this. The last vacation I was on in April 2003-I was in Cancun when I got the call from my sister that Marcus was sick. I still remember the sick feeling in my stomach and the denial. That continued all through treatment...and today. So I am a little scared to go away...what will happen while I am gone???

So, my usual plea for you to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE donate blood or platelets. I am so proud when I hear about friends that have become lifetime donors. Then to find out you are a perfect match to someone. That has to be an awesome feeling. Please consider being a Bone Marrow Donor. You can talk to you local services where you donate to find out information on how to do this. In Canada it is 1-888-2DONATE. Thank you all so much for giving the gift of life.

I will close now and get ready for work. Thank you all for checking in on me and giving me support. I am so touched that you continue to do this for me. Some people feel that I should be fine now and support is not needed. I hope that they never know how much support will always be needed in times like these. My life has been changed forever and I will never be fine with what life has for me...but I continue on each day. So thank you for always being here for me. Please remember to hug your children and let them know how much you love them. Take care and God Bless

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND(AND EVEN MORE THEN THAT))
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
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Thursday, February 17, 2005 8:36 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
13 months have gone and I am no closer to being "ok" then the day Marcus passed. There is a song by Mercy Me which I will add below


Navigation: M \ Mercy Me \ Homesick

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

This is so beautiful. If you get a chance you must listen to Mercy Me CD. It is such an amazing and touching group of men with the sweetest voices.

So, what has been new with me. I am working lots(and it is so busy in the Emerg. Dept) I am so tired at the end of the day that I barely have time to think...good sometimes. Then there are nights that I think to much and cannot sleep. I keep hoping that Marcus will visit me as I lay awake. This may sound strange to some but it helps me get through the day. I know Marcus is with me always...I am selfish and want to see him and hold him. Oh do you know how good that would feel. To hold my baby in my arms...that is all I pray for...What a beautiful feeling that is when I think about it....

This is my normal plea for you to go out and donate blood or platelets. I thank all of you that continue to do this and for remembering Marcus when you do. No matter what the reason...please continue to help others by giving the gift of life...THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

I will close now. I pray that you are all well. Please remember to hug your children and let them know that you love them. Take care and God Bless

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo

Monday, January 31, 2005 8:56 AM CST

Hello my dear friends
Well here I am beyond the first year of my baby leaving me to be with God.. How I got through it is a miracle in itself. There have been times when I wanted to end the pain...but I always hear this little voice saying "MOMMY, NOT THIS WAY AND NOT YET. I WILL BE HERE WHEN YOUR TIME IS DONE" oH sometimes how I wish My time were done so that I could be with him again . I know this sounds bad but I am working hard on getting better. Jan 14th was a bittersweet day. I spend the morning just remembering... and in the afternoon I went to the cemetery with family and we prayed and released balloons with messages on them. My balloon went up and up and up... We had mass in the evening and so many people showed up. Marcus' teachers and friends from his school. Thank you for being there...it made me feel so good knowing that you will not forget my baby. My friends that had to travel to come to mass to be with us I thank you so much. You are always there when I need you. My neighbours as always were with me. How many ways can I thank you??? My many friends that surprised me by being there...thank you so much for all the love and support. My co-workers and friends-you are the greatest and I am so lucky. My wonderful family...it felt so good to have you with me again. . Thank you all so much. Now I continue on and try to start living my life and little better. I am working on this and it is a sloooow process. I appreciate all the support and love helping me get where I am today.

I had a conference at The Hospital For Sick Kids last week. I spoke to a group of doctors on the issues of DNR. They spoke about Marcus" case and that was unnerving. I think what I had to say was helpful. They have asked if I would help them with research...for which I will. I would do anything to help make this journey less painful for other families.

The wather here in Toronto has been cold but I ahve been handling it...except for yesterday. I got ready for work and was leaving my house at 7am-go down the steps outside and wipe out on black ice. I injuried my left knee. Here I was on Sunday morning at 7 am(people are in bed and it was so quite) I lay on the ground shaking,in pain,sticking to the ice and noone around. Then I remembered my cellphone. I called a friend who came and took me the Emerg Dept...the very place I was going to work. The knee is swollen and xrays look good. I wam wearing a knee immobilizer and will see the orthopedic doctor on Wednesday. I hope to have the knee re-xray once the swelling goes down. This is no fun. I am not use to not being able to get around. I am on pain medication-which makes me silly. Oh well I needed a few days off work..lol.

This is my plea for you to go out and donate blood r platelets. I thank you all who have be faithful donaters and remember Marcus as you do this ...he is smiling down on you. THANK YOU SO MUCH

I will close for now. I am in pain and need to lay down. Thank you for checking in on me and for the love and support. Please remember to hug your children and let them know how much you love them. Take care and God Bless my friends

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO'
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Friday, January 14, 2005 9:56 AM CST

Hello my dear friends

1 year ago today my baby left me to be with God. As I sit here and think this it is so hard to believe that a year has gone pass. I have not held my baby for so long...yet I cannot believe he is not here anymore. My heart and head are not together on this. I believe I have made it this far because of my family and friends. For this I thank you all so very much. I so appreciate all the love and support you have given to me as I travel this road. My mind is a mess and I feel like my head will explode with all that is going on in there....yet there is nothing going on in there. Today my family and friends will join me at th cemetery for pray and tonight we will have mass for Marcus. I am looking forward to seeing my friends-but oh how I wish it were for some other reason. I am so very angry at the way my life has become. This is not what I had planned. My baby should be by my side and we should be living a happy and loving life. Marcus loved to play,sing,tell jokes,go to school,watch tv,play gameboy/playstation,snuggle with his mommy. I just cannot understand why God would ok this to happen to my beautiful baby boy...my only child. There are so many questions and no answers. I guss I will have to wait until I see Him,but that does not stop me from being so angry. So today I try real hard to put on my brave face and get through this day...the day that my life changed forever...

I found out 2 days ago that Marcus' friend Charlotte(who Marcus was in transplant with) passed away on Jan 5th. Marcus and Charlotte were in rooms next to each other and would talk all the time. It is so difficult to comprhend all this. These young and innocent children robbed of a life. My love and prayers go to Charlottes' family.

Now my plea to please go out and donate blood or platelets. Please help these children not suffer because there is not blood avaible for them. Thank you so very much

I will close now. Thank you all again for being with during my travels. It has been difficult but I so appreciate your friendship. Please rmember to hug you children and lt them know how much you love them. Take care and God Bless.

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the gratest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWR OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXXOXOXOXOXXXOXOXOXOXOXOXXO
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Thursday, December 9, 2004 3:36 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
Well 11 months ago my baby left me to be with God. I am so grateful that God is holding my baby for me but I am so mad that this even happened. I find myself lost in memories more and more these days. I cry so often and so much more. I guess the holiday season and Marcus' anniversay is making me even more sensitive. I hate the thought of Christmas coming...but it will come. I have not spirit for the season. Everywhere I look I see christmas trees and lights and people shopping for their children.God that hurts so much. I remember this time last year. We were in hospital trying to find a treatment plan. I had so much hope for a miracle. I did convince the doctors to let us come home for Christmas. I must say that it was the biggest and best Christmas ever. We had a family gathering and Marcus was so happy to be with his family. I am so happy that we did that. It is a great memory and pictures were great. Christmas day was also great. It took him over 2 hours to open his gifts. He told everyone how long it took. Those same gifts lay in my basement unopened. I have not heart to go through them. It is so hard to comprehend that he could open all those gifts and within 3 weeks be gone. I do not understand any of this. I search and search for answers. God surely did not want me to live like this. He could not be cruel to me like that. So what is the answer??? I want to hide away until late Febuary and try again. Now I am just not doing it well. I go to work,which is all decorated,and try so hard to do my job. I know I am a good nurse. I care so much about other people. Yet I am questioning my ability to do this. I love my job but I feel so weak these days. PLEASE PLEASE pray that I find the strength to get through this season "unharmed" Thank you so much for checking in on me.

Just in case I do not update before Christmas...I just want to wish you all the very best for the holiday season. May you feel the spirit of the season in all that you do. God Bless

Now my usual plea for donating of blood and platelets. This season feel the love in your heart and reach out to others that need your blood. Give the gift of life this holiday season. This time last year Marcus needed transfusions of bllod and platelets every second day. It is through the love and selfishness of another person that I was able to spend Christmas with my son...for that my heart is so grateful and thankful. Please search your heart and do for others. I want to thank Michelle for continuing to donate platelets. Michelle was matchd with a person needing platelets and was called at work as platlets were needed for this person. She left work and went and donated. How beautiful is that. It take so little of you time but gives so much to another. Thank you so much and God Bless

I will close for now. Please remember to hug your children and let them know how very much you love them. Enjoy the holidays and please be safe.

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Thursday, November 11, 2004 12:07 AM CST

Hello my dear friends
God it has been 10 months...the worst 10 months i have ever lived...if that is what you call it. I have not updated much as it takes alot to do this these days. I can honestly say that I am very much living in a dark shell and trying to just survive each day. I go to work and give my best(I hope it is enought) but it takes all my energy. I hold it together at work for the most part...after work is another thing. This time last year Marcus and I were so happy. We were home and adjusting to life again...unaware that the beast was lerking around the corner again. Like it wasn't bad enough to go through all Marcus went through...only to have it come back. This journey has been so unfair and it has made me so angry. I know that I am not the same person and I am not the nicest person to be around. For that I am so sorry to my family and friends. I pray that I find myself again and can be a better person to be around. Thank you all for staying beside me and being a friend.

My usual plea for you to donate blood and platelets. As the holiday season approaches the need for these will increase. So please search your hearts and GIVE THE GIFT OF LIFE. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

I will close for now. Please remeber to pray for all the children that are fighting this fight and their families. Prayers really are important and needed. Also remember to hug your children and let them know how very much you love them.

Thank you all again and know that i think about you and pray for you always.

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXO
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Saturday, October 9, 2004 9:16 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends
well it has been 9 months since my baby left me. I feel this every minute of every day. I am still not completely believing that this is true. I mean how can your child go before you. That is just not the way it is suppose to be. My worst fear come true and I just want to sleep my time away until I am with him again. Yet life keeps moving on and I am slowingly moving with it. I know to people I may appear ok on the outside...yet if they could feel my heart or my head they would know. But I would not want anyone to feel this. It is to painful. No person should have to feel this pain. Why? What is the purpose? I was a good person and now I am an unhappy being. I doubt that will ever change. But not to worry I still get up and do my daily duty and then go home and go to bed. What more can I do??? Yes I am feeling so sorry for myself. Sorry for all that I lost and all that will never be. I see children and know that Marcus would love to be playing with them. I hear children in the school yard and know Marcus would love to be there as he loved school. I see older children and hurt that I will never see Marcus at that age. This is all to unfair for me to handle. Sometimes when I think about all this I can make myself crazy. Anyways, enough on this. Thanks for checking in on me.

I had a great day on Marcus' birthday. I have not been able to update as I could not get into my caringbridge site. My family and friends spent the day with me. I played with the children and enjoyed being around everyone. So thank you to all my family and friends that were with me on Marcus' birthday. It meant alot. We went to church and then to the cemetry afterwards. It was indeed a bitterweet day. Now I am preparing for halloween. Marcus so loved that day. Last year we just got out of hospital(from BMT) and it was so warm that night. He dressed up as spirderman(had to wear a mask so it fit great) He got to go around to all the houses and everyone came to see him. It was a truly magical night for him. So I am not really interested in doing anything big. It hurts to much so why put myself through it...right??? I wonder sometimes if I am being selfish??

The baseball association presented a 8 year old with "THE MARCUS NAZIR MEMORIAL TROPHY" It was for a player that showed that most sportmanlike behavior and loved the game. These ar all qualities that Marcus possessed. The little boy was so sweet(and looks a little like Marcus,goes to Marcus' school) That made it even more special.

So there really is not much new with me. I am not on the computer alot so if you email me and I do not respond quickly please know why. I just what to thank you all so very much for continuing to support me. You are amazing and I appreciate you so much.

Now my plea for donating blood and platelets. PLEASE PLEAS PLEASE find it in yur hearts to go out and donate. Someone right now is waiting for your blood. I am not kidding. There is a child or adult right now waiting for a transfusion and there is a limited amount so they have to sahre. Can you believe that. They have to decide who is in more critical positon and who can hold off a little longer. When a persons blood or platelets are low they do not have time. This is dangerous and you could bleed to death. So I am begging you to go out and give the gift of life. Michelle i am so proud of you for continuing to donate and I know you are a lifetime giver now. Thank you so much for that. Again thank you all for going out and donating.

I will close now. Please give your children a longer hug and let them know how much you love them. Take care and God Bless

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
XOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXO

Thursday, September 16, 2004 11:46 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends
Well 8 months have gone by that my little man went to be with God. I can hardly believe that Marcus is not with me anymore. I lay in bed and question my whole life. Why this has happened. Iam so tired of this. I am so tired of hurting and feeling so empty. Yet this is my life from now on. So I guess I must ACCEPT IT. Isn't that the final stage fo grieving?? Well I guess I will never get through those stages because I will NEVER ACCEPT IT. I am trying to live each day but not to the fullest. One day at a time...yes that is how I do it. I am so sorry if I am saounding bitter. I am. It has been a hard couple of weeks. School has started and my baby should be going to grade 4. On the first day of school instead of picking Marcus up from school and going out for a special supper(what we did everyday of first day of scholl) I went to the cemetery. How damn cruel is that? How wrong is that? How unreal is that? Now I am preparing for Marcus birthday on Sept 18th. The first without him. How will I get through this? I know...with the help of my family and friends. I am having a big BBQ that day at Morningside Park. All my family and friends will be there. If you are reading this and would like to join us please email me at trrn@sympatico.ca and let me know. I would love to have lots of people around. We had a baseball tournament planned but alot of problems came up. We will be continuing to plan for this and I will keep you updated. Thank you again and for checking in on me and all the support.

This is my usual plea for blood and platelet donation. There is a shortage so please search your heart and give the gift of life. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

I will close for now. Please give your children big hugs and show them how much you love them. Thank you all so very much for your continued love and support. I am able to get through these days because of you and I am so blessed to have you in my life. Take care and God Bless.

Emily and Kelly-always thinking about you. I know you are with Marcus now and lokking down on us and smiling.

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXO
X0X0X0X0XXXXXX0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0X0

Sunday, September 12, 2004 10:40 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends
Well it has been 34 weeks since my little man has been with God. I have been dealing with disbelief lately. I think about Marcus not being here with me and find it very hard to comprehend. How is that possible. I am a good person and Marcus was a great child...so loving and caring to others. How is it possible that this world will no longer feel his love. No parent(or person) should have to live through this. This is way to much grief. I can be doing work and the pain just hits me full force and I can't breath. Time should help??? I do not think so. No time in the world will ever make me feel better about Marcus not being here with me. Sometimes as I lay in bed and close my eyes I feel complete emptiness...Marcus is not beside me(physically for me to hold) This is not the life I asked for or prayed for. I am mearly existed somedays. I do have somedays that I laugh(thanks to family and friends) For now I just take it one day at a time...and pray that God will understand my anger and forgive me. I thank each and everyone of you that come to check on me. Your love and support is what helps me move along. Thank you Thank you Thank you

Marcus' birthday is Sept 18th and we are preparing for a big day of celebration. I do not want to sit at home crying. I want to be with family and friends and remember good times. This time last year we were in hospital as Marcus just had a BMT. We had a great party on the floor. It was restricted as the kids were in isolation...but it was great. This year I will celebrate in a different way. I thank my friends and family who will be with me this day to help me get through...I love you all

My usual plea for blood or platelet donation...there is such a shortage so please find the time and serach your hearts to help others life a better life. Call 1-888-2-DONATE to find out where the next clinic is in your area. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU (PS YOU CAN SAY IT IS IN MAARCUS NAZIR MEMORY AND THEY WILL GIVE YOU A CARD AND IT CAN BE GIVEN TO ME)

So I will close for now. Please remember to hug your children and let them know how very much you love them. Thank you again for checking in on me and all the support. Please continue to pray for all the children and adults that are fighting for their lives. Emily and Kelly-still thinking and praying with you and your families. I know that you are with Marcus and having fun.!!!

Lots of Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY ...AND BEYOND

Saturday, August 28, 2004 9:26 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
Well it has been 32 weeks (71/2 months) since i have held my baby. That is way to long. That is way to cruel for any human to have to live through. I must say that living is not what I am doing...existing is more like it. I go through my day... and then the day is over. Before I know it another week has past and my baby is still not with me. I don't think even time will get me over this. My heart aches constantly for my baby. My thoughts go back over th years and all the fun we had...and I get so angry that I will not have this any more. I am preparing for Marcus' birthday on Sept 18th. I dread this but I know it is coming My good friends are helping me prepare for this day. We will do a baseball tournament on that day and have ALL the kids and their family there. It will be a day of celebration...my baby is worth celebrating!!! I am hoping this will help me get through this day. I thank my good friend Donna who is working so hard with the help of Julia and Warren to get this together. I appreciate all that you do my friends and I love you for loving my son and I as you do.

I has been a sad couple of weeks. Marcus' friend Emily Gray (who just turned 2 years old) passed away. Her parents called me and wanted me to know. I went to the service. It was the hardest thing to do but I wanted to be there for Bruce and Cynthia...they were always there for Marcus and I. Please keep them in your prayers. I know that Marcus has Emily by the hand now. Whenever we were in hospital you eould never be able to find Marcus in his room...he always was with Emily in her room watching TV. He loves her so much and now they are together again...I love you both. Tonight I found out that another friend(an cyber friend) Kelly Starr passed away on Aug 26th. Kelly is a mother of 3 children and married to a wonderful man named Randy. I rmember when she would visit Marcus' site and told me that if she sould not survive this disease she would watch Marcus for me until I was able. I know she is with him and I feel so thankful for having meet her. She is a wonderful person. Thank you Kelly for coming into my life You can go to Kellys' site at www.3.caringbridge.org/nv/kelly. Please keep her family in your prayers

So work is good and exhausting,life is cruel,my frinds are great,my family is great...and I am still taking it one day at a time. I want to thank all that continue to check in on me. I know I do not update as often. Sometimes I am to tired and angry that I do not bother. I am sorry if I worry you in any way. I am struggling... but I find comfort knowing I have friends that care so much. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH

So my usual plea for you to donate blood or platelets. Someone somewhere is needing your donation RIGHT NOW. So please do not wait...time is to precious. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

I will close for now. Please hug your children and let them know you love them. Take care and God Bless
Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
(EMILY AND KELLY... Thank you for gracing me with knowing you...much love to you always)

Sunday, August 15, 2004 9:06 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
Well it has been a rough week coming. My baby has been gone 7 months (on Aug 14th) and today is 1 year since he had his Bone Marrow Transplant. It is so unreal how things have changed. I had so much hope for the future this time last year. I was so sure that God was going to give us the miracle that we prayed so hard for. I mean how could he not?? How could he possible take away my only child?? How could he truly love me and make me feel complete pain by losing Marcus. That was this time last year. Now...well now I only have intense anger-at God. I said some really bad things to Him this week. I hope He gets it??!! I have been on edge and snappy all week. I only hope that is part of the grieving process. Otherwise I am turning into a very unhappy and unlikeable person. If I am this way to any of you-my friends-please know that i am working hard not to be this way. I am sorry if I hurt or offend you in anyway with the way I am right now. I am struggling with this milestone and I am losing. I will keep trying. Thank you all so very much for checking in on me

The plans for the baseball tournament is moving along. Again if you ar interested in heping or being there,just let me know. I so want Marcus' birthday to be special-because he is all that and more. I rmember planning for his birthday last year. We sere in hospital and he was all crazy about The Hulk-so that was the theme. We did invitations to give to the other patients and staff. He ended the invitations with. "I am on steriods,so don't make me angry. You son't like me when I am angry. But please still come to my party" He laughed at that alot. He always laughed. He has an infectious laugh. If you were in a bad mood his laugh would take you out of it. He tried so hard to make others laugh...and baby you did that everyday with your beautiful way. I miss you so very much my little Boo.

So here agin is my plea for donating blood/platelets. I thank each of you for going out and helping another person live a better life. Thank you Thank you Thank you

I will close for now. I am tired and drained. I hope this week is good for you. Please hug and kiss you children and let them feel the love. Take care and God Bless
Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life-Marcus-forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Sunday, August 8, 2004 11:53 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends
It has been 29 weeks (and still counting) since my baby left me. It has been a couple of weeks since I have updated. Why? I have no energy. I am feeling so depressed and lonely that it takes alot out of me to get out of bed. But, I do get out of bed and go to work because I am trying really hard to fight this. I know my baby does not want me to live life like this. So Marcus mommy is going to try really hard to make you proud.
It has been a difficult 2 weeks. I went of medication as it was making me ill...hence the decrease in my energy and wellbeing. My doctor has started me on another medication so we will see. I do not know what I am expecting from myself sometimes. I feel that I should be better able to handle life now...Why???? Why am I beating myself up because I am not able to face life and its' cruel reality??? It has only been 7 months since Marcus left me(although it sure seems like a lifetime from where I am standing) I wake up and pray that this day will be better...sometimes it is ok others times it is a wasted day. I have been thinking alot about this time last year. We just went into hospital on Aug th to begin our treatment for transplant. Marcus had 4 days of heavy chemo and then 3 days of radiation-twice a day. you know he handled each of this so bravely. He never stopped smiling and praying and had so much determination. he would say to me."mommy, don't worry. Everything will be alright. I am going to stay in remission and we will do lots fo things together again." This wonderful boy always made sure that I was alright. I love you so much Marcus and I miss you with every breath that I take. I had so much hope for us this time last year. I feel so sure that God was going to shine down on us and give us the miracle that we prayed for. That was not meant to be and I do not understand why. I am a good person and Marcus would have made a difference in this world. He made a difference in my life. He completed my life. I remeber when he was born and they laid him in my arms for the first time. It was so unbelieveable the pull on my heart when I held him and looked into his eyes. That love has grown beyond infinity... I look around my house at the pictures of Marcus and my heart hurts so much that i will never hold him in my arms again and look into his eyes. Sometimes I think about the finality of that and I get freaked out. I have a great friend-Donna- who seems to be able to calm me down at those times. Thank you my friend for ALWAYS being here whenever I need you...I love you.
That is all for now. Thank you for checking in on me

We have begun the arrangements for the baseball tournament on Marcus' birthday...Sept 18th. If you are intrested in knowing about this you can contact me at trrn@sympatico.ca or contacting Donna at red.mcghee@rogers.com. I want to make this day beautiful for all the children so that they will remember Marcus as a fun and loving child. I thank you for helping and wanting to be a part of this day with me.

This is my usual plea for donating blood and platelets. Please Please Plase search your hearts and do this unselfish act so that another person can enjoy tomorrow. How much more rewarding can that be for a humanbeing. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for giving the gift of life.

So I will close for now. Thank you all who come to visit this site and remembering Marcus and myself. Thank you for your prayers and unconditional love. I read all the messages and I am so very touched and blessed for your friendship. Please remember to hug you children a little longer and let them know how very much you love them. Take care my friends and God Bless

LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS
TERESA(MOMMY TO THE GREATEST LOVE OF MY LIFE...MARCUS...FOREVER IN MY ACHING HEART)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Sunday, July 25, 2004 10:20 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends
Another week has gone by and that makes it 27 weeks since my baby left me to be with God. In my heart I know that Marcus is gone and is not coming back...but sometimes when I think about this it is almost like it is not real. I mean how the hell could I be living this nightmare. How is it possible that the boy that I gave birth to and raised and took to school and feed and bathe and clothe and laughed and played and yelled and cried with and...so much more. How can this not still be happening. How is it that my life is no longer like this. What did do that was so bad that I have to live a life of pain. Marcus is everything to me. He gave me the greatest joy I could ever adk for in life. Why did that have to be taken away. OK so he got Leukemia...we said we would deal with that..but not as it is today. Marcus worked so hard to get into rmission and then a transplant to keep him in remission. The pain and suffering he endured to be healthy(because he wanted to be heathy and alive) But in the end it did not matter. God still took my baby. Marcus was not ready toleave his mommy and his mommy will never be ready to lt him go. Life does not have any happiness for me anymore. I go through my day just doing what I have to do and buying time until I am with my baby again. I lay in bed and dream about tha day and how wonderful it will be to be with Marcus and hold him again. I want to be his mommy again...in everyway. When I get to Heaven I am going to show Marcus how much I love him and how much I miss him and how much I love being his mommy. I am so angry with God that sometimes it scares me. Then I talk with him and he helps me relax. So even though there is anger there is also love. This is what is getting me through. I know God is watching my baby for me until I can do it again. Who better to watch my baby then God. This is were my heart is right now. I am not happy but trying to deal every day the best I can. I thank all my family and friends for being here for me to help me along the way. I know it can be hard on you at times but I am so grateful for your support and love. Please know that I love you all as well. Thank you for checking in on me and loving me as you do

We are making plans to have a baseball tournament on Sept 18th(Marcus' birthday) This will be a fun day with playing baseball, BBQ,crafts and family and friends just being together to celebrate Marcus. If you are interested in helping us in anyway please let me know or contact Donna at red.mcghee@rogers.com
I appreciate any help in making this a great day.

This is my usual plea for donating blood or platelets. The long weekend is coming and that is the time when there is a shortage as people are gone away and not able to donate. There will be a donor clinic in Marcus' memory on Aug 2th in Richmind Hill (my friend Jennifer Haars is hosting this clinic...she is the lady that did the Canada am story about Marcus) If you are able please attend this clinic or one near you. If you need mor information you can contact 1-888-2-DONATE or myself. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for giving the gift of live with love.

I will close for now. I hope all is well with everyone and that health and happiness is yours always. Please remember to pray for all the children and their families that are struggling through any problems. Please remember to hug your children and show them how much you love them(and mean it!!!) Take care my friends and God Bless

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my live...Marcus...forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Sunday, July 18, 2004 1:02 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
It has been 6 months...6 long, unbelievably unreal months of my life. I am no where near being "better" or "accepting". At my greiving group this week we talked about the stages people go through when they grieve...Shock,Denial,disbelief,Anger and Acceptance. I can relate to all except the acceptance. How the hell can anyone accept. I think it needs to be changed to "intergrate into your new normal" or something like that. Acceptance is insulting. It is like you are saying, "all is fine,I now accept that my son is gone and that is that" That will never happen. I can only pray for help for guidance in trying to live my new life. I read somewhere "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle"-well he does!!But I am handling it with His grace-barely though might I add. Even thought I have alot of anger-some still direct at God-I still believe He is with me and helping me. I just wish He could fast forward my life many years so that I am closer to being with Marcus. That is all for feeling sharing for thsi week. When there is no change there is no reason to repeat..I think you understan that. Thanks so much for dropping in to check on me and loveing me as you do.

There is no new news. I went to see John Edward(the medium) He is such a nice guy and so funny. He made me laugh for the first time in a long time. I did not get a visit from Marcus,but other people did get their loved ones and that made me feel so happy. I told Marcus that even though I was disappointed I was ok that he did not visit at that time. He has visited me and I am so very happy and proud of him for doing that for me. I guess I am selfish and want to see him everyday. Overall it was a great night.

So here is my usual plug for donating blood and platelets. The need is there so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help make others live a better life. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

So I will close for now. Thank you all so very much for checking in on me and keeping me in your prayers. Pleas remember to hug your children a little longer and show them how much you love them. Take care and God Bless.
Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life...Marcus...forever in my aching heart_
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Thursday, July 8, 2004 11:47 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends
Well, 25 weeks have gone and my baby is STILL with God and not back with me. I really was sure that God was going to look down on me and have mercy on me. I now know that this is my way of dealing and getting through...any eay possible. It may sound unhealthy...but there is nothing healthy about what I am going through. Once again I have had a bad week. Guess I should be use to this feeling by now...hey it has been 6 months. But sorry to let you know that this may be the way I feel for the rest of my life. Damn that is the worst feeling and thought I can imagine. People have been saying things to me lately...(1) You have to try harder to get yourself together. (2) Marcus would not want you to be this way(my response,"and I would not want Marcus to be gone" (3) You are young and have so much time ahead of you with good years left(my response,"there are no more good years for me" (4) You had 8 beautiful years with your son wiht so many memories(my reponse,"yes thank you for reminding me how lucky I am") (5) Maybe you should start going out and having fun (yes maybe that is a good idea...can you tell my heart that) (6) You look so much younger,you must be feeling better.(yes,expensive cream and 6 months of grieving should make it all better) and I could go on and on and on... I am sorry if I sound so angry but this is the stage I am in and having a hard time getting through. My way of dealing is trying to stay away from eople and hopefully not having to endure anything that may hurt e(unintentionally ofcourse) I know people are not out to hurt me so I also do not want to hurt others with my anger. So if I am being anti-social,please forgive me and know the reason. It is not that I do not want to be with people,just it is easier to not be with people. That is enough for now. Hope it was ok to share this???

Other than my feelings there isn't much to share. I am getting ready to go to work for a few hours. Hey tha is a good place to be. I get to be in an office where noone is around and get paid for doing it. My work has been so good to me. All the people that I work with have been so supportive and i thank them so very much.

So my usual request for donatng blood and platelets. There is a shortage right now so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go out and give the gift of life. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

I will close now and thank you for dropping in to check on me. I love you all for continuing to care for me(even when I am hard to be around or talk to) Please remember to hug your children and let them know how much you love them. Take care and God Bless
Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life...Marcus...forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Friday, July 2, 2004 10:21 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends
It has been 25 weeks since my baby left me. Nothing has changed with me. I sm still trying really hard to cope and function each day. It is getting harder and harder as reality is starting to hit me. It is not that I do not know reality but the reality of reality is what is now hitting me...really hard. I miss my baby so much. I miss holding him,snuggling with him, hearing his laugh(oh it was so beautiful) hearing him tell jokes(he loved to tell jokes and make people laugh) It is another month...July...and I am thinking about this time last year. We were trying to get into remission and preparing for transplant. Even though it was a tough time I still had so much hope...now...nothing... Some days,today being one of them, I just want to stay in bed and sleep the years away that I have left here on earth. Then I hear my baby saying,"mommy,get up and go out and be happy" so that is what I will try today...later. I have been having a dificult week. I was in bed a few days ago and was crying and not wanting to get out of bed. My doorbell rang and was upset that I was being disturbed. I went downstairs and opened the door...and there was Marcus' friend Dylan. He had a flower for me and said, "I was outside playing and starting thinking about you and wanted to bring you this flower". That little gesture means so much to me and I told him that. I believe that Marcus was working through Dylan to bring me comfort...Thank you baby...I love you so much.

There is no new news with me. The hospital have finally agreed to let me do the bags for the families. I am so happy about tis. Things were on hold until I got the approval and now it is of to work we go. So if you are interested in helping or donating you can email me at trrn@sympatico.ca. We are planning a baseball day to help raise money. My friend Donna is heading this up so if you would like to help in any way you can email her at red.mcghee@rogers.com I appreciate all the help and support in helping make this wish and memory of Marcus a success.

Now for my usual request for donation of blood or platelets. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go out and do your part to help another person in need of your blood. This selfishlessness will be rewarded to you in ow you feel afterwards. It costs nothing and gives so much...how special is that!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

So I will close for now. Thank you all so much for checking in on me. Please remember to hug your children and show them how much you love them. Take care and God Bless
Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest love of my life...Marcus...forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Friday, June 25, 2004 10:22 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends
23 weeks have gone and i still cannot beleive that my baby is not with me anymore. The very thought of this hurts so much and scares me so much. This is my reality for the rest of my life. This is the hardest and most exhausting work I will ever have to do(grieving). I would rather be doing anything...anything else but this. Why God choose this path for me in life I do not know and have a difficult time accepting. My anger gets so much sometimes that I have to be alone with myself. My pain gets so much sometimes that I have to be alone with myself. My lonliness gets to be so much sometimes that all I want is to be with myself...so that I can cry and scream( I have a difficult time doing this with people around) I donot want to make others feel uncomfortable and sad to be around me. So if I am distant or not calling you or forget things...PLEASE forgive me. I am having a very difficult time and I cannot focus on much right now. I know who my friends are and they do understand the way I am right now. They do not give me grief over my grieving or absentmindedness...and I love you all for that. I can honestly say that I do not think I will ever be that same person that I was before. I am no longer able to sit and talk on the phone for hours about nothing. I am no longer able to just get up and go visit with my firends or have supper. I am no longer able to make plans for tomorrow because tomorrow is not even in my thoughts...it is this moment that I am trying to get through. So, what I am saying is that if you still want to be friends with me I am so very happy to have you in my life (for whatever time I can spend with you) If you find it to hard to be around me and get frustrated with my 'NEW" way of life then I also understand. Life has changed me and there is nothing I can do. I am grieving the loss of the love of my life...my beautiful son. Weeks,month not even years will change this. I am a different person. Life has made me a different person. I just hope that you can see me and still love and want to be around me. I am so sorry if I am sounding rude. I have ben thinking about this alot and needed to say it. Thank you all for dropping in and checking on my.

i was at work yesterday and was doing OK. I went to see my niece(who was in labor) I was tlaking to one of the doctors(who was with me when Marcus was born) He said," I have not seen you for awhile, have you been on vacation?" No!! "Have you been ill?" No "Berevment?" Yes "Who? My son. I know he felt so bad and I was done for the day. I said hello to my neice and left the hospital. I went back later that night to be with my niece(and the same doctor. I was with her when she gave birht to a beautiful baby girl with lungs that could break a glass. Her name is Leah and she is such a joy. It was a beautiful experence. I felt so happy for my neice and her husband. Now I am having a difficult time dealing with my life. Oh well just another day in my "new" life.

So school is out. This is also a dificult time. This time last year Marcus was still trying to get into remission and planning for Bone Marrow Transplant. Even though it was very difficult time, I wish I could go back to then. Would I change anything?? I do not know. Would the outcome have been any dfferent?? I do not think so. Maybe I could have had more time with Marcus...but there is no way to have known that for sure. I thank God for everyday I had with my baby but I want so much more. I will soon hear the laughter f the children outside my window everyday. I love to hear it...and my heart hurts when I hear it. I know Marcus will be out there with them....

Thei is my usual plea for you to go out and donate blood. During the summer the donations are low due to perople going on vacaton and such. Please Please Please go out and donate blood or platelets...help make a life worth living. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

I will close for now. I thank you again for dropping in and checking in on me. I hope all is well with eand of you. Please remember to hug you children a little longer and spend time with them. Take care and God Bless
Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the greatest son...Marcus...forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Friday, June 18, 2004 10:24 AM CDT

Hello my dear friends
Can you believe that it has been 5 months since my baby left me and joind God. It seems like forever to me that I have seen his sweet smile and heard his sweet voice and felt his sweet face. I can honestly say that I am hating this life right now. There is not much about it that is making me happy. It is a cruel cruel life and I do not understand the purpose of it all. I do not understand why God had to have my baby with him and leave me in this world to grieve for the rest of my life. This is not what I pictured my life to be. I guess you can tell I am in an anger stage at this time. Yes I am so very angry at the world...not at anyone of you just at this life as a whole for putting me here to go through this. No one should ever have to go through this. There is no real reason for this. To teach me how to grieve??? Hell I have done lots of that in the past. This is beyond what any human should have to do. Just another stage I am trying to get through...with time. Please do me a really important favor. Those of you that have children. The next time you find yourself lossing patience,or not having time to give a hug&kiss or go out to the park. Remember how delicate and persious this life is and our children. Take the extra time to hug and kiss them(and let it linger),go to the park(and enjoy it) Don't get upset over nonsence. Cherish every moment...good or bad. Be ever grateful that you have this wonderful gift to hold everyday. Forget about the housework, forget about the shopping...they will still be there the next day. Enjoy today with the ones you love...because tomorrow may bring you regrets. Ok is that enough therapy for today. Thanks for coming to check on me.

Canada AM is doing a blood donor drive and they did a story on Marcus yesterday. It was to encourage the youth to go out and donate. Marcus' very special friend Jennifer haars(she is a family friend) who is 23 years old was the spokes person to help encourage the youth. She spoke about Marcus and his wish for blood donor clinics. At noon we went to The Scarborough Town Centre and donated blood. So I am adding my usual request for you all to go out and donate blood and platelets. What an amazing feeling it is to know that you are giving someone elso a chance at life. The people that are fighting cancer...if there is no blood avaliable...cancer is not going to be what kills them(something to think about)

I am back to work 2 times a week for 4-5 hours a day. It is different. I try hard to stay away from patients but sometimes have to pass through the Emerg. Dept to do things. yesterday as I did that I had a panick attack...and just ran to the office. Got to stop doing that. One day at a time...One day at a time...just got to remember this.

I will close for now. I hope all is well with you my friends. If I have not returned a call or email please forgive me. I am having a difficult time keeping up with things. Please forgive me and keep calling. I thank you all for caring for me as you do. I love you all. Take care and my love and hugs to your children
Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to Marcus...forever in my aching heart...hard to believe it has been 5 months)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Thursday, June 10, 2004 10:19 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
It hs been 21 weeks since my baby left me. This week I have felt that in my heart so much. It gets to a point that I get scared thinking about Marcus not being here with me...and never will again. I feel like my heart is going to break open. It is such an unreal feeling yet the reality of it is hitting me hard this week. I think I read somewhere that around the 5 or 6 month this may happen. So I am normal according to this...but I feel so abnormal. I feel like I am not as enjoyable to be around. Where once I was the happiest and friendliest person to be around...now I am just "existing" I can't see this changing anytime soon. My heart is way to heavy to even consider what to do tomorrow let alone next week. I find myself falling into the pit and trying really hard to climb back out. So just to let you know if I have not been in touch with you I am so sorry but I am so tired and not good company. I do not want to bring anyone down. Please forgive me and be patient with me. Thank you all so much for continuing to check in on me and loving me as you do.(as you can see I am late on writing this journal...just cold not bring myself to doing it)

I had my doctors appointment yesterday...all I did was cry(she says it is good to do this as I try not to do it around people) I also had my Bereved Families meeting...these mothers that I have met are so great. So yesterday was pretty emotional and draining.

Please remember to donate blood or platelets. I know I keep mentioning this but you must know how important it is to me. My friend Pat(who is a teacher) had a blood donor clinic in Marcus' memory at All Saints School and the students donated(yes even the youth are doing their part and I am so happy and proud of them...Thank you all so very much) So please search your hearts and help make someones life longer. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

I am tired so I am going to close and go to my bed. Please hug your children a little longer and let them know how much you love them. Take care and God Bless my friends

Love and Prayers
Teresa(ommy to the greatest love of my life...Marcus...forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Wednesday, June 2, 2004 11:01 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
Well it has been 20 weeks that I have not able to hold my baby. In ine way it seems like an eternity and then it seems like yesterday. The time is going by so fast and there is no way to stop it. I wake up in the morning, do whatever, go to bed and then start all over again the next day. What I am saying is that the sun will rise and set...it has not stopped because my baby has gone to Heaven. This confuses me and angers me(but that is for another day). It has been hard lately...more so then before. I was hoping that I would start to feel a little more happy...but I am getting worst. My heart is just not into anything. Nothing makes me happy. I just go through the motions. I spoke with a friend today(who lost her son the day before Marcus passed) We were saying that we did not want to be be in this state 2 years for now. I hope this gives us goals to work towards. Yet 2 years from now is something I cannot think about. I have problesm thinking about tomorrow. So I struggle on with the help of my family and friends. I thank you all so very much for continuing to check on me and leaving me messages. I read them all even if I do not answer back personally. Maybe one day I will be able to do that.

I was at Bereaved Families today and it was again so emotional. It does help being there with these other moms but it just drains me. I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow. So at least I am trying to reach out for help.

The police called and have 3 pictures of Marcus with the nurse. They look to be innocent pictures so I am relieved about that. Please continue to pray for these children and their families. Also if you can find it in you heart please say a pray for the nurse...that he understand the wrong in what he did.

This is my usual plug for donation of blood and platelets. Michelle gave platelets for the first time this weeka nd she did great...Iam so proud of you Michelle. Please Please Please go out and donate and help make someone live happier. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

I will close for now. I thank you for checking in on my. I love you all. Take care and God Bless. Please remember to hug yur children a little longer.

Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the best little man in the world...Marcus...forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWR OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Thursday, May 27, 2004 10:27 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends.
It has been 19 weeks that my baby boy,the love of my life,joined God and his friends in Heaven. Some people may think that after 19 weeks I should be starting to feel "better" and moving on with my life. Sorry to disappoint you. Not only am I not feeling better...I am not even close to moving on with my life. I am afraid to think about moving on. I am scared to think about "a year from now" I scared to think about tomorrow...I am scared to think about tonight. Another day has gone and the world continues to move along. Don't people know that I have lost my son. How can they keep on living??? Those are my private thoughts and I would not voice it to anyone. I know the world keeps moving on...I just can't keep up with it right now. I have had a really rally hard week. I find that I have been feeling weak this week. There is a constant ache in my heart. I find that I am very emotional and will cry if I hear/see/think/feel or think something about Marcus. I can hear my baby saying, "Mom, stop already. Do you know where I am and who I am with?" "I am in Heaven with God and my friends." So baby I will try harder this week to be stronger. I love you little man. Thanks so much everyone for checking in on me.

I had my first group therapy. It was really emotional as each mother introduced themselves and told their story about how their child(ren) died. We will meet each week so I hope I can help them as they help me. I saw my psysciatrist today(no I not nuts...just alittle whacky) All I did was cry. Now she might think I am nuts!! So this has been an emotional week. To add to this was the arrest of one of Marcus' nurses for child pornography. This has hit me better hard. I trusted this nurse so much and he was like an angel to Marcus and me. Marcus really liked him. Tonight was a parent meeting at the hospital. It was difficult and I hope helpful when I get a change to digest it. I am unable to write about it as we are instructed that it was private. All I can say is I hope that this nurse does not get out on bail and serves jail time for his crimes(the police feel that that may not happen???) When I am able to talk about it more I will do so. For now know that I am ok. Please I ask that you not let this reflect other nurses(male or female) You can only go on your feelings and trust and pray that good will always win out. Thank you to all who have sent their prayers and support to myself and the othere families...it really means alot that you care so much. Please keep these families in your prayers(also pray for the nurse that he will see the wrong in what he has done)

My usual plea for bllod and platelets. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go out and donate and help brighten a families life with your wonderful gift. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

I am so very tired so I will close now. I did not update last night as I have been so tired and wanted to wait until after the meeting tonight. Thank you all so much for checking in on me. please remember all the children in your prayers. Also please give your children hugs and kisses and make them feel your love. Take care and God Bless
All My Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the most amazing little boy...Marcus...forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Wednesday, May 19, 2004 8:30 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
Well it has been 18 weeks that I have gone to bed without my baby boy beside me. The feeling of emptiness is so overbearing at times that I feel I am going mad. I visit Marcus everyday at the cemetery and it feels like I am in a twilight zone...like it is not really happening. I stare at his picture...and he stares back at me...and I cry so hard. This is so wrong. This is the cruelest thing that God could ask me to live through. My life was once so full and happy and now it means nothing. Today alone I stayed in bed until 3pm. It took so much to get up and shower and go visit Marcus(but going to visit Marcus is what got me up) I wish I could say I was getting better...but reality is I am getting worse. The longer I go without my baby the more empty and depressed I get. I try so hard to put on a good front with people because I do not want to bring them down. It is taking alot out of me. But I continue on and struggle to stay above water...with the help of so many great people. Thank you to my wonderful friend Donna who is ALWAYS right there whenever I need her. You are a great friend and I am so thankful that God sent you my way...I Love You. My fantastic sisters...I Love You. To all the wonderful people who check in on me, drop me a card or leave a message in this guestbook...thank you so much. Thanks everyone for continuing to check on me...it means so much that you care for me still. I Love You All

So I found out this week that my sisters dog(who was Marcus' dog also) has Leukemia and is getting Chemo. How strange is that. Marcus and his dog both have Leukemia(I just hope that things turn out differently for his dog).

I am asking you to include Emily in your prayers. This little girl(who just turned 2 years old) is very special to me(she was like a little sister to Marcus) She is having a difficult time and her family is facing the worst possibilty any parent can face. While you are at it please remember all the children.

I am so proud of those of you who have gone out and donated blood/platelets. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE search your hearts and go out and donate. Your blood is needed right now to save someones life...what more do you need to know??? THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

So what are you thinking about American Idol?? How about The Bachalor???

I heard a song on the radio the other day. There was a line in it that struck me and sumed up how I feel about my baby. It goes like this...NO MATTER WHERE LIFE TAKES ME TO, A PART OF ME WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU. Marcus...no matter what happens in this lifetime baby, I will always have you in my heart and I await the day when we are together again. I love you so much my little man. I am so proud to be your mommy and you my son...I am the luckest person on this earth. I love you forever and ever

So I will close now as the tears are starting. Thank you for checking in on me. Take care and please hug your children a little longer.

All My Love and Prayers
Teresa (mommy to the greatest son ever...Marcus...forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 9:10 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
It has been 4 months since I held or heard my baby. Sometimes I close my eyes and listen really hard and I can almost imagine his voice and laughter. I think about things we did and jokes he would tell to make me laugh...and I smile(and cry). I am at a point where I think what a cruel cruel life I have been given now. I was once a happy, loving and giving person. I find that I am no longer that person. I know that I have some of this ability deep inside me,but not able to bring it out. I am afraid to think about the future...one without my son. I have put in 4 months and the thought that I have to put in the rest of my life without Marcus is almost unbearable. The ache in my heart is the worst ache I have ever and will ever feel. There is nothing else in this life that will ever touch me. The two things that I have experienced in this life is (1) The greatest love of my life in Marcus. (2) The greatest grief in my life when I lost Marcus. God gave me the best gift in the world when He gave me Marcus. Marcus completed my life. Now I feel incomplete...if you know what I mean. Mothers' Day was very hard for me. I stayed in bed until after lunch(only to be called by my brother to go for coffee) I did not want to be out around other families that were happy and laughing(I am so sorry if this sound selfish...I was just trying to protect myself...and I do love it when families are happy and together...I was just having a hard time being without my baby for this Mothers' Day. Marcus always went out of his way to make me feel special on Mothers' Day. When I went to visit Marcus on Mothers' Day there was a gift waiting for me (from Marcus through my sister) My sister had a dream and Marcus asked her not to forget me on Mothers Day(do you see how sweet this boy is) As I opened the card...a butterfly flew out of it...startled me(which Marcus would have got a good laugh from...and he did) I remember he gave me a card when he was in the hospital and it had a butterfly in it...same reaction and he laughed so hard(so baby I hope that you laughed hard again) Thank you to my sister Aunt Jean who goes out of her way to make me feel so loved. That is all for my therapy session this week. Thank you for checking in on me and listening. I love you all

So, today I went to work for 5 hours. It was difficult leading up to that but I got through it with the support of my co-workers. It will be a slow process but I am on my way... I am feeling so tired tonight after a long day and the emotions that I had all day. I went to visit Marcus after work and just lost it. I should be getting off work and going to pick Marcus up from the babysitter, not going to visit him at the cemetery. So tonight has been unproductive as I am too tired to care...

The weather has become so great. I hear the children outside playing and laughing and it makes me smile(and my heart cry wishing Marcus was also outside playing) These children are so special to me. Whenever they see me they come to me for a hug and ask how I am doing. Children are so precious. So please remeber to hug your children a little longer and show them how much you love them!!!

Please remember to donate blood/platelets. This unselfish gesture will make you feel so great about helping another person live to see another sunlight. Thank you Thank you Thank you

So I will close for now. I thank all my family/ friends for being here with me and loving me as you do. I love you all so much. Please remember the children and keep them in your prayers. Thank you so much my friends. Take care and God Bless
All My Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the bestest son in the world...Marcus...forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Wednesday, May 5, 2004 9:11 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
It has been 16 weeks since my baby joined his friends and God in Heaven. Can you imagine not seeing or holding or hearing or touching your child in 16 weeks (can you imagine it for 1 week) It is the most unreal feeling and experience that my heart has ever and will ever have in this lifetime. My doctor asked me what stage of grief I was in at this time...let me see...SHOCK is how I get through my days, DENIAL allows me to live in a fantasy world(like when I go to bed tonight I believe Marcus will be there waiting for me) ANGER is the scarey thing that pushes me forward daily(and makes me lose control and yell at God and get short tempered with family/friends...and I am so sorry for that!!) BARGAINING is something I do everyday when I talk with God(if you give Marcus back to me I will do so much more to help other people in this world...I am still waiting...) DEPRESSION(I am on medication for that so don't need to go there) ACCEPTANCE...like that is ever going to happen. So,where am I in my grieving process??? I guess I am all of the above(except acceptance) So, how long will this last?? Perhaps my lifetime. I can only hope and pray that I will be able to find a way to handle this grief in time. For now I read books and look for answers to the unknown. I also have great family and friends that have been my strength through out this journey...and I thank you all so very much. I went to my first meeting with BEREAVED FAMILIES OF ONTARIO today. I spoke with a geat lady who lost her 5 year old daughter to Leukemia 12 years ago. She was so great and I felt HOPE talking with her. Hope for the future that I will be able to feel happiness again in my heart. That is all for this week with my feelings. This is great theapy...thanks so much for checking in on me and listening without judgeing.

I did a full day course yesterday for work. It went really well and I think I did well and was even able to concentrate the complete day. The course was ACLS(advanced cardiac life support) and it can be nerve wreaking,but my co-workers were great with me(thanks Cathy,Sue,Gwen and Scott) So, I am trained once again in saving your life...how sweet is that. I meet with work tomorrow and make a plan for me to get back to work. I am looking forward to going back to work...but scared at the same time. I need to fill my days with more than my thoughts because I will go crazy.

I am not looking forward to this weekend. My first Mothers' Day without my baby. We always made this a special day. Last year we were in hospital but Marcus made sure(with my sisters help) that I felt special. He always wanted to make me happy and smile(you did that for me everyday baby) My sister told me she had a dream about Marcus. She was taking a nap(she is getting old..lol) and Marcus came to here and said,"Aunt Jean don't forget my mom on Mothers' Day." She said she got up right away and went out shopping. My baby is watching over me from Heaven(I wish I could see you my beautiful angel) So,even though this will be a difficult weekend for me I want each of you to enjoy it. My greatest wishes to all the mothers that are reading this. May this Mothers Day be filled with love and happiness...HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MY FRIENDS.

Please remember to donate blood and platelets. The incidence of cancer and other diseases is increasing,which means the demand for blood is increasing. Please, search your hearts and give this gift that does not cost you anything...but gives you so more in return. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

My love and prayers are going out to all the families that are going through struggles in their lives right now. To the families that have lost a loved one...I am praying for you and I am here if you need me. I ask everyone to keep these families in your prayers.

So, I will close for now. I thank you all so very much for checking in on me. Your love and support touches my heart deeply. Please remember to hug your children a little longer. I love you all. Have a good week my friends.

All My Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the sweetest angel...Marcus...forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 9:32 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
15 long weeks have passed since I snuggled with my baby. Where did it go? I sure don't remeber it. It really seems so much longer than 15 weeks...more like 15 lifetimes. I remember a few years ago Marcus went on a trip with my sister to Vancouver for a week. It took alot for me to let him go but it was March break and I though it would be so good for him. I was so heart sick for that week not having him with me. But I knew he was coming back to me. In the beginning when Marcus passed I tried to make myself believe that he was gone on a vacation with my sister. The only problem is that this vacation has gone on long enough...I WANT MY BABY BACK. I get up in the morning and during the day I talk to God...or make deals with Him. I ask Him to turn back time and make everything fine again. I ask for no more in life then to have Marcus beside me again. With this I assure Him that I will be a good person and will help people. When I go to bed at night I look where he would sleep and MARCUS IS STILL NOT THERE. I don't understand. I talked to God and prayed so hard but nothing has changed. I am still here without the love of my life. I am felling so empty and my heart is not happy. If I could feel just a little happiness in my heart then maybe my days would be more manageable. So time continues to pass. I am trying really hard to find myself again so please be patient with me. I thank you for coming to check on me and loving me as you do.

My mom has been with me since Marcus passed. She does not live in Toronto but in Newfoundland. Today she went home. I took her to the airport with a heavy heart. I am so happy that she was here with me during this time. I am going to miss her so much. She said she will be back really soon...hurry up really soon and come. This is my first time in my house alone since Marcus has passed. It is so guite here. My friend Donna came over and we watched American Idol so that helped...Thanks Donna, I love you. I must say my memory has been giving me good and bad days. I tend to remember some things but question if I did something I was suppose to do. I have friends that call(Cathy,Cory and Andrea) and I tell them I will call them back and I am not sure if I do. So to you my wonderful friends I am so sorry if I do this to you. I have a book that I write things down in and each page gets full and then I can't understand it...oh well someday I will do better. Until that day please forgive me and stay my friend:):):) Also if you leave me a message I read them all and I thank yu. Please forgive me if I do not answer you back...I do read them and love you for your support.

So now my usual plug for donating blood and platlets. Please take the time to go out and do this for those who need YOUR blood. Thank you Michelle for letting this reach your heart and in turn reaching out to otheres...you are the best and I am so proud of you. I would like to challenge you all. How many of you will go out and donate blood in the next 2 weeks. When you do please let me know. Lets get this gift of life growing...THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

So I will close for now and wish you all a great week. I thank you so much for continuing to remember me and keeping me in your prayers. Please remember all the children who are going through struggles in their lives and fighting hard for their life. Children should not be fighting for their life they should be outside playing. Hug you children a little longer and let them feel your love. Take care my friends and God Bless
All My Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the most adorable little man in the world...Marcus...forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Wednesday, April 21, 2004 9:21 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
It has been 14 long unbelievable weeks since I held my baby. At one moment I feel fine and the next I am in a worldwind of emotions. You may wonder way I always start with the amount of time since I held my baby...NEVER EVER WANT TO FORGET how much time has gone by. Years down the road I will read these journals and reflect on my feelings. I do hope that with the help of God and my family/friends and Marcus I will be able to reflect in a better state of mind. I have had a very bad few weeks. I am not sleeping, always crying, ???ulcer, headaches, nausea, tired blah blah blah... I saw my doctor(psych) and was started on something new that she believes will help. I have never before wanted a drug to "pick me up" as much as I want this one to do. I would like to share something that happened to me this week. I was getting some beauty stuff done(hey I need to look good for when I clean my bathroon!!) Anyways, the lady (who I have been going to for along time) asked how Marcus was. I told her that he had passed on Jan 14th. Her reply, " I am so sorry, but you know God knows best". I need to ask you my friends a favor. I am still a very emotional person and can lost grip with reality easy. If you do not know what to say to me just say," I am thinking about you". That will mean so much to me and will not hurt me. I know that God knows best but I am not ready for that yet. Also please don't say that Marcus is finally out of pain and is in a happier place. You see he was happy right here with his mommy. A wise mother recently said, "TIME DOES NOT HEAL...TIME PASSES" I think it is what you do with the time that will make the difference for you. Me, I am still trying to find myself and get through my grief. In the process I am trying to help others that are now in the same situation Marcus and I were in. How do I do this?? I do this with much love for God and from God, my fellow man, the help of my family and friends and the love of a very special Angel(((MARCUS VINCENT NAZIR))). How can I possibly go wrong!!! Thank you all for listening as I pour out my heart every week. It get pretty exhausting so maybe I will sleep tonight!!!

I need to thank you all for the prayers that you have sent up for my little Emily. She is out of hospital and continues to have radiation for now. Please continue to keep her in your prayers. She will be turning 2 years old on May 10th so we plan to have a party. I am looking forward to that.

Today I babysat my 3 year old nephew Ben. He was born on the same day as Marcus(just 5 years later) Marcus really loved Ben(he wanted a brother like Ben) So we were here watching TV and just talking. He says, "when is Markie coming back?" I tried to explain as best as I could to a 3 year old. He picked up on my sadness and said,"are you sad Aunt Teresie" To which I replied."yes baby I am very sad". We went to visit with Marcus and again he kept asking when Marcus was coming back. My mom was helping him get dressed and called him Marcus...she looked at me with such sadness. I just smiled at her. Heck I have been calling him Marcus all day. He is a joy to have around but he can sure keep you busy!!!

So here is my usual plug for you to PLEASE donate blood and platelets. Remember that someone may be waiting at this very moment for YOUR blood. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

Thanks to everyone who has come to visit this site and left messages. I am sorry if I do not email you back but please know that I do read them all and appreciate your prayers and support. I love you all. Before I close just want to wish a big GOOD LUCK TO THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS (Sorry if you are not a fan!!!) Also did you see American Idol tonight??? What the heck was that??? Jennifer is an amazing singer. I just do not get it. So remember I asked you to let me know who you think will win...who do you think now!!! Please keep the memories of Marcus coming...I am loving it. I will close now and go to bed. Take good care my friends. Please hug you children a little longer. God Bless
All My Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the most wonderful son in the world...Marcus...forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Wednesday, April 14, 2004 9:18 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
Well it is official...it has been 3 months since my baby graced Heaven with his beautiful spirit. Heaven is so very lucky to have such a wonderful boy. Even though I feel this I am also feeling angry and selfish. I am angry that he is not here with me on this earth(I would even handle the illness...now how selfish is that??) This time 8 months ago Marcus was getting ready for his transplant in the morniing(remember the blackout we had...yea,we were in hospital waiting for a blood transfusion but the blackout delayed everything) I had so much hope and faith at that time. Marcus was so happy and he looked so great...God how things can change in a minute. Please do not take anything for granted. Love your family and friends and appreciate even the rough times. When you child wants a hug or kiss...give it lovingly and let it last a little longer. So 3 months have gone by and I am no closer to feeling "normal" or "happy" or "alive". I wake up in the morning, do whatever in between, and go to bed. My life is passing me by. Yes life is still going on around me. It has not stopped because my baby has passed. I really thoughtit would...but the world still goes around. I pray everyday that I will be a functional member of this world again...at least I am thinking this now I have to do things to get me there. It takes alot to express my feelings so I will stop for now. I thank you for listening and helping in any way that you do.

I would like to ask a favour of you. I am trying to put together a journal of "memories of Marcus" and I would love to hear from anyone who has a memory that they would like to share with me. It does not matter how small...if it is about Marcus it is the world to me. So please share any memories so I can always "feel" Marcus with me.

I am asking for special prayers for a very special little girl named Emily. She will be 2 years old in May and Marcus loves her so much. When they were in the hospital together Marcus could always be found in her room. They have such an amazing connection. Emily is so precious. The doctors have found two tumors growing together over her heart. She starts radiation today. I ask that you remember Emily and her parents in your prayers. I love this little girl as if she were my own and my heart is breaking. I REALLY HATE CANCER...AS US PARENTS SAY....CANCER SUCKS.

So I have startedthe nonprofit organization and it is called FAMILIES TOGETHER-IN JOURNEY FOR LIFE. If you would like to help in any way(have connections to people that can make busines card/letters,companies willing to donate,people wanting to help in any way) please email me and we can talk.

I would like to say a very special HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY CARLY. You know I love you right!!! Supper was great and cake was...fatting!!! I loved it. Thanks for sharing it with me.

Please remember to donate blood and platelets...Iknow I keep saying this but if it make even one more person go donate then it is worth it. I love you all for coming to check on me. Please remember all the children in your prayers. Take care my friends and God Bless
All My Love and Prayers
Teresa (and my little baby in Heaven...Marcus...forever in my aching heart)

Wednesday, April 7, 2004 10:52 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
It has been 12 weeks, an eternity, since I held my baby or heard his voice/laugh. Can you imagine that?? Is it really real?? My head refuses to believe but my heart tells me it is real. It has been a rough week. On April 4th marked one year since Marcus was diagnosed. At this time last year I was on my first vacation ever in Cancun. While my baby was going through the worst time in his life I was living it up in the sun. Can you imagine that??? I was unable to get a flight home until April 5th because Toronto had an icestorm. This was the most horrible time in my life. So this week I have been reliving those days and also the night that Marcus passed...can you imagine how scattered my brain is??? I was so angry at God this week and I let him know. How could he put me on this earth and then make me go through this?? I was yelling at him and I told him, "I will never forgive you." Can you imagine that??? Who the hell do I think I am ? I am a mother who is in so much pain over lossing my only child. I am a mother who is trying to cope each day. Even though I say I will never forgive Him I know he loves me and will always forgive me. When I am feeling so low I listen to a song called...I CAN ONLY IMAGINE...by Mercy Me. It is such a powerful song. Can you see me driving in my car and that song comes on and I am singing to the top of my lungs...look out American Idol. If you have not heard it I suggest you go get it. So I am trying really hard to survive every minute of every day. I have a constant ache in my heart that reminds me of all that I have lost. As I lie in bed I reach for Marcus and he is not there. He will never again lie beside me(in this physical world) He will never again play with his toys or friends. Can you imagine that. How unfair is that? How cruel is this world? If there is anything you get from these post...please love your children completely. Do not put of things because you can do it tomorrow. When you child asks for a hug or kiss...give it to them...do not say later baby I am really busy right now. Cherish every minute with you children and take nothing for granted. So is that enough of pouring my heart out for this week??? Thank you for checking in on me and caring for me as you do.

There is an article in The Scarborough Mirror about Marcus and the nonprofit organizaton I have started. I hope when people read it they are encouraged to reach out and help. If you are unable to get this and would like me to email it just let me know. If you would like to help in any ways I would love to hear from you.

I have a request. There is a shortage of platelets. Please search your hearts and donate. I remember one time when Marcus' platelets were reallylow. There were no platelets to be given. The hospital started calling the blood banks. At this time Marcus started bleeding from his nose, mouth and rectum. I knew this was dangerous and I prayed so hard that someone had donated and it was on its way for Marcus. Our children are fighting this beast called cancer but want kills them is that they bleed to death. Can you imagine that??? So please please I plead with you to donate. if you have any questions please call 1-888-2-DONATE. Thank you so much for giving the gift of life.

So I will say good night now. Please remember all the children in your prayers. Thank you to all my family and friends for being here with me and helping me feel again. Thanks for checking in on me and blssing me wih your love. Take care and God Bless
Love and Prayers
Teresa (mommy to Marcus...forever in my aching heart)
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Sunday, April 4, 2004 9:55 PM CDT

Hello my dear friends
Normally I would only update on Wednesday as it is a forever revolving day for me. Today I am entering this post for personal therapy. Today I am made to remember the beast that changed our live forever. One year ago today my baby was diagnosed with Leukemia. It goes a little more than that...if you can believe it. On this very day one year ago I was on my first vacation ever in Cancun Mexico. I was having the time of my life (sun,beach,music,dancing...you know the story)
I got a call from my sister saying that the bloodwork Marcus had done was bad. I got her to link me to the doctor and he said they were considering cancer in the blood. So I arranged to fly home(there was an ice storm in Toronto and there were no planes going in) I was starting to freakout but my friends kept me calm. I arrived the next day at 9pm. My life was spinning out of control so fast. This was also the time that SARS was in Toronto and I was the only person allowed to be with Marcus. It was a very very difficult time. This is not to go over all that happened during his treatment. This is to remember this day and try not to feel guilty for not being with him on the most scarey day of his life. I always have a hard time dealing with this. So I just wanted to share my feelings and grief with my family and friends who I know care so much. If I do not say it enough- I thank you so much for being here with me during the most difficult time in my life. Your love and support has been my source of strength...THANK YOU

I started therapy and it was so good. I went in with a negative attitude but came out feeling better. This lady is going through what I am going through. She lost her daughter in a car accident 2 years ago...so we connected. I think she will be helpful to me and I hope that I can be to her. She seems like a great lady and I look forward to our sessions.

Please remember to add all the children in your prayers daily. There are so many ill child that can use a prayer and we all know that prayer is powerful. I also ask that you remember to donate blood and platelets. I would like to thank my friend Michelle who donated blood at Marcus' clinic for the first time and is now going to donate platelets...you are awesome.

So that is all for now. Thanks so much for checking in on me. Did I tell You today...I LOVE YOU ALL. Take care and God Bless
Love and Prayers
Teresa (mommy to the most wonderful son in the world, who is free in Heaven to be happy and painfree)
Marcus I miss you so very much my little BOO. Thank you for loving me so completlely. I will close my eyes now and feel your arms around me as we whisper...I LOVE YOU TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND
You are forever in my aching heart..Love your Mommy forever :):):)

Thursday, April 1, 2004 7:05 AM CST

Hello my dear friends
It has been 11 weeks since my baby went to Heaven. It hurts like hell and I do not think it is ever going to get better. People keep saying "with time" ...I keep waiting for "time" and it doesn't seem to be helping me much. So the feelings are not new, the pain is still raw, my heart is still aching so much but I continue on daily. I will be starting therapy today so I am a little nervous about that. Not sure what I need to be telling a complete stranger. It is still so unreal to think that Marcus is not with me physically(even though I feel him spiritually). My arms long to hold him and kiss him and just hear his voice/laughter. I ache for all of that yet I know I will never again have it. How final those thoughts are. How scarey those thoughts are. If I think to long and hard I can really do some damage to myself(not physically but emotionally). So maybe therapy is a good thing now. I have met some really nice people on the internet who are going through the same as I am. Some are new like me and some are years out. It is helpful to tlak with them. Lisa if you are reading this I am so glad I found you...

We had the blood donor clinc on Saturday and it was great. I just want to say a very very special 'THANK YOU' to all the people that came to the clinic. It was so very good to see you or meet you for the first time. What you have done to help other people who need your blood is so amazing. Thank you from all these children/adults and from me. My baby is smiling down on all of us and is so happy that we are doing our part to help. Please continue to give and keep this life-giving miracle going.

I did a paeds course for work this week and it went well. It was a little nerve wrecking at first but everyone made me feel so relaxed. Thank you to my co-workers for making me feel this way. I look forward to the day when I can join you all back at work.

So I will close now. Thank you so very much for checking in on me. It means so much that you continue to care for me and I hope that by continuing to write like this we can all benefit. Plese consider giving blood/platelets and you will be so happy that you did. Take care and God bless to you all
Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to the most wonderful and loving little boy...Marcus.) Forever in my aching heart.
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Wednesday, March 24, 2004 9:03 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
It has been 10 weeks, 10 long lonily weeks without my baby. I know he is in good hands with God until I can be with him again. Don't take this wrong but I am eagerly waiting for that day. I no longer fear death...I look forward to it. I wish I could tell you that I am getting better. That my days are easier and that I only cry once or twice a day. The truth is my days are unbearable and I only cry when I breath. I have a constant ache in my heart that lessen alittle after I have cry and scream out to my baby. Does he hear me? Of course he does because he helps me get through those times. I also know that he does not want me to be this way and to try to live more. I hear you Marcus and I am really really trying. My sadness for these days occur when I see boys of Marcus' age or a few years older...and then older than that. I hurt for what should have been for Marcus and me. Watching him get older into his teens ,getting a girlfriend, going off to college,getting married and having babies for me to spoil. This is all now a dream...a sad unreachable dream. I hate shopping now because I cannot bear to see the food tha Marcus always wanted me to buy. I would love it when he would say..."mommy if you buy me this fruit rollup I will love you forever." You know I would buy it. Or if he said,"mommy lets buy some popcorn and we can snuggle tonight and watch a movie." God I miss that. God I miss my baby. We were planning on watching 2 movies when they came out because we could not go to the movies. We were going to watchs CAT IN THE HAT and RUNDOWN(with THE ROCK). We never got to watch these movies. I bought them this week and will pick a special night and get some popcorn and Marcus and I can watch them. So as you can tell I am still whimpy and far from being OK. Thanks for listening and not judgemental.

I just wanted to thank Father Peter Power and Terry Morlock for dropping in and checking on me. The talk was really great and I appreciate you listening to me.

I had a massage and facial today thanks to a friend(thank you Anastacia) It felt good and I could have stayed there forever.

Just wanted to thank you all for checking in and leaving a message. I love to go and find a new message. It keeps me connected to the outside world...that is important for my recovery. So those of you that are signing and are able to come to the blood donor clinic on March 27th, I would be so happy to see you. It is at MALVERN TOWN CENTRE from 10-2pm. "There is someone out there waiting for your blood right now...so please come out and do your part to help others that are struggling with their life. Know that I am forever grateful for your generousity. Marcus will be smiling down on us on Saturday because he knows that somewhere someone will be saved...and that made him so happy. So until then I will close. Thank you again for dropping in and checking on me. I love you all so very much. Take good care of yourselves and please hug your kids alittle tighter. GodBless my friends
Love and Prayers
Teresa(and my little Angel in Heaven Marcus...forever in my heart0
I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND

Wednesday, March 17, 2004 6:30 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
9 weeks have gone by since my baby joined God in Heaven. It has been so lonely and I get scared thinking about the future. I have been thinking alot lately...this time last year is when I noticed bruises on Marcus' legs and elbows(did not think it was anything more than a 7 year old boy who played rough) As the days went on the bruises remained and I developed a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach...but refused to consider anything at this time. So, this time last year my life was still "normal" and I had my baby with me. This time 7 months ago Marcus had his Bone Marrow Transplant and life was good (even being in the hospital) This time 6 months ago I was planning Marcus' birthday party at the hospital(Sept 18). This time 9 weeks ago my baby was with me laughing and joking(which he did so well). Now there are no more "this time" only memories(which I treasure) . Marcus bought so much to my life in our 8 years together. He let me experience the greatest love anyone could ever know. His love was so unconditional and pure. When I was visiting with him a few days ago and I was telling him that I was feeling so sad and lonely...all of a sudden a conversation came into my head(as if he put it there) We were snuggling in bed watching TV and he turned to me and took my face in his little hands. He then said, "Mommy, I will never ever leave you. You are the best mommy I ever had." As I sat there thinking about this I realised that Marcus was once again ,as he did so often, trying to comfort me. We had a saying that we would say to each other...I would say to him, "I love you to the power of infinity...and beyond." He would say to me, "and I love you more than that." This is what I have on his headstone. So, even in death our love remains so strong that it reaches from Heaven to comfort me...thank you baby for being the best son I ever had...

I wanted to take this time to thank everyone that has signed the guestbook and left me supportive messages. I would love to email each of you personally but please know how very much I appreciate your kind words. To the students/staff of All Saints Secondary School and Mr Pat O'Prey...thank you for your support and kindness. I hope to meet you all someday. To anyone that has helped me in any way...I thank you so very much. I hope someday that I will be able to return this kindness to others. Which brings me to reminding everyone about THE BLOOD DONOR CLINIC.
It is on March 27th @Malvern Town Centre(Neilson just north of Sheppard) from 10am-2pm. I will be there and would love to see you...maybe even have a coffee. It would mean so much that you would do this for all the children(and this is in Marcus' memory). Please help me make Marcus' wish come true. If you cannot make it please encourage your friends to go out and donate...or to arrange another time call 1-888-2-donate...remember-blood , it's in you to give.

So, have you been watching American Idol? Marcus and I would love watching this and make bets on who would win. I have narrowed it down to a few people. Who do you think will win?

Happy St Patricks Day to all of you. Marcus' school invited me over last week as they were having an Irish band and the students were going to dance. They were wonderful. I so enjoyed seeing the kids. My heart smiled and cried at the same time...Marcus would have loved this. We had a nice lunch (all Irish type food and coffee)...and I started a diet the day before!!!

I will close for now. Thanks so much for checking in on me and loving me as you do...I feel so very blessed to have you in my life. Please remember all the children in your prayers. Take real good care of yourself and God Bless
Lots of Love and Prayers
Teresa(mommy to Angel Marcus...forever in my heart. I LOVE YOU BABY TO THE POWER OF INFINITY...AND BEYOND)

Wednesday, March 10, 2004 7:22 PM CST

Hello my friends
It has been 8 weeks now since my baby went to be with God. As time goes on and I think about this "reality" I have such mixed emotions. I am so very happy for my baby to be in such a beautiful place...no pain only happiness and love. Then my reality hits me...he is not physically with me, I have pain and I am unhappy. Do you see the tradeoff here??? I know someday I too will be in that beautiful place with God and my beautiful baby...until that day I am trying very hard to live each day. I still have some anger and alot of questions. I am reading books to help me understand our purpose in life and what it is like on "THE OTHER SIDE" I know Marcus is with me,I feel him in my heart...especially at my lowest times. Is this enough to get me through each day...not completely. I feel good that he is with me but so sad that I can not hold him in my arms. I close my eyes and see your face baby and I smile through my tears. I miss you every minute of every day. My heart aches so completely...as it never has before. You are my one true love. You completed my life. There was nothing more wonderful that God could have done for me once he gave you to me...Thank you Lord Jesus for those wonderful years you gave me with Marcus. When a loved one becomes a memory...that memory becomes a treasure. I will treasure my memories with Marcus forever in my heart. As I type this my heart is hurting ...

Friday night we had a skating gathering at the the arena in Marcus' memory. I was so nervous about going and being around alot of people...but I think I stepped up to the plate. It was so heartwarming to see all the children from Marcus' school and his own class. I hugged them tight and felt Marcus right there with them as they skated. There were so many people there and I just thank each and everyone of you for coming out and remembering Marcus. My heart flowth over with warmth from you all...THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I would like to add a very special THANK YOU to the wonderful group of people that went above and beyond to make this night so great
Donna,Jerry,Carly,Caitlin,Deborah,Pat, Denise,Joan,Bas,Julia,Warren,Patricia,(Carlys' friends from Pope John Paul School),everyone that donated gifts and their time...and anyone else I am forgetting. I will remember this night forever (even with my short term memory problems..lol) I look forward to the Baseball gathering this summer and seeing you all again...I love you all.

I was visiting Marcus yesterday with my mom and sister. Marcus has a friend that passed a few months before hedid and is at the same cemetary. We decided to go visit with Deen at that time. It was such a nice surprise to see his dad(Fazel) there at the same time. Your words and encouragement is so very much appreciated. I do believe that Marcus and Deen are up there playing wrestlers and watching over us. I am so honored to have known Deen. He always made me smile as he always had a smile. The nurses loved him...remember they put him on the PA system when he sang the national athem...that was cool. Thank you Fazel and Carm for sharing this beautiful boy with Marcus and my family. I feel comfort knowing they are together...and I will keep looking for signs...

Just want to take this time to remind you about donating blood and platelets. It is so very important that each and everyone of us search our hearts and go out and donate...GIVE THE GIFT OF LIFE. I will be having a blood donor clinic in Marcus' memory. It will be on March 27th, which is a Saturday,between 10am-2pm. It will be at Malvern Town Centre which is on Neilson...just north of Sheppard. I would be very honored if you were there and I look forward to seeing you there(there is no place else I would rather be...please come out and see me!!!)

I will close now. Thank you all so very much for coming to check on me. I love to hear from you so please leave a message. Also please check out Marcus' memorial page (www.creekindian.us/web/marcusmemorial)...I hope you like it. Take care my friends and God Bless.

All My Love
Teresa and my wonderful Angel Marcus...love you baby to the power of infinity...and beyond.

Wednesday, March 3, 2004 7:12 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
Well it has been 7 weeks since I have held my baby. Another week that he has been with God. I know Marcus is happy and God is taking good care and loving Marcus so much. Yet I hurt so much. I think I am in the anger/denial phase right now. I am angry at God for taking my baby and leaving me brokenhearted,yet I still do not believe that Marcus is gone. I close my eyes and picture Marcus not being here with me but with God and I get so scared. Not that he is with God but that he is not with me...and never will again. That feeling of Never holding him again in my arms is to overwhelming to handle. I cry whenever I feel this way...hell I am crying now. I am so tired of crying and hurting. I just want to feel some happiness again in my heart. So this is another week I have made it through. It has been a difficult week but I have had some really good friends that have helped me during some of these times. I think Marcus sends these friends at just the right time ( thank you Donna,Andrea,Cathy,Cory and Tammy) Those are my feelings that I share with you this week.

My mother in law had her surgery yesterday. They removed the lump found in her breast and did a quick test. It looked fine with that test but they have sent it for further testing that will take 2 weeks. Please pray that it is good. She is a strong woman but these past few days have been so scarey. Marcus was for sure with us during this time...We love you baby for watching over OMA. She is resting well at home. Amy, I love you and anytime you need me I am here for you.

We will be having a blood donor clinic in Marcus' memory on March 27th,2004. It will be held at The Malvern Town Center (Neilson and Tapscott...just north of Sheppard) It will be between 10:00am-2:00pm. I would be very honored and happy to see you all there. The need for blood is so great and you would be doing such a wonderful thing for those people fighting for their lives. I am so proud of this community and all the love you have shown me and I just want to share that love with others. I look forward to seeing you all there...Thank you so much for doing this.

I am going to close for now. Thank you to my family for being the best I could ever ask for...I love you. Please remember all the children in your prayers. My friends are having a skating gathering on Friday night in Marcus' memory. I am looking forward to seeing all his classmates/schoolmates and the community. I just want to go out and have a nice time with all the kids. See you all there.

I will close now. I hope you all have a good week. Take care and God Bless

All my love and prayers
Teresa and my Angel Marcus (Love you baby to the power of infinity...and beyond)

Wednesday, February 25, 2004 10:02 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
It has been 6 weeks since I have held my baby in my arms and kissed him. It has been 6 weeks since God called my baby to be with him and not with me. Sometimes I may sound angry...and I am...but I know God understands my angry. It has been a very hard week. The more time that goes by the harder it is for me. I guess "reality" is trying to settle in and I am not letting it. Sometimes I just stare at Marcus' picture and repeat..."you are gone ,you are not coming back ,I will never hold you again,this is not real..dear God please don't let this be real" In the end it is real and my heart feels like it has been torn out again. I find that I am crying more often throughout the day. This may be good if it helps in the long run...we shall see. For now I am just so tired. I want to turn the time back to this time last year. We had no problems. Leukemia was not even in our life (but there were so many children out there fighting for their life) I want to go back to that time and reevaluate my life and what I could have done differently. My thoughts, my guilt and my grieve...just wanted to share with my friends...I hope it is ok to do that.

I had supper with a few friends tonight(Anne and Melonie) whose kids have leukemia(they were good friends to Marcus and are missing him alot) It felt good to go out and talking with them. They are going through alot at this time also...always the big fear in the back of your mind. We plan to do this more often and I look forward to that.

Please say a pray for a little boy who passed on Monday(Kyle) and his family. Kyle and Marcus would play wrestling together while in hospital and now they are together playing again...HAVE FUN MY LITTLE ANGELS.

We had a gathring on Sunday with family and friends(it was 40 days that Marcus passed and we all came togethr to pray and celebrate his life) I want to thank everyone for being here with me and helping me do that. Aunt Jean and MaryJo...thank you so much for the food. Mary Jo the soup was great as uaual.

My sister continues to give platelets and has enlisted another one of our friends. Joan I am so very proud of you(Oh and by the way you have a great son...Pat thank you for what you did) At this time I feel I must encourage you all to donate blood and platelets. You may be saving someones life. Joan donating and her platelets went to a child at THE HOSPITAL FOR SICK CHILDREN right away...what a wonderful feeling and I love you for doing thie Joan. Hey no pressure here!!!

Please keep my mother in law in your prayers as we prepare for testing again on the other breast. I have faith that she will be fine but I ned your prayers to ensure this...thank you so much.

So this is all for now. I will close and bid you good night. May the good Lord keep you safe. Take care my friends and God Bless. Remember to hug your kids a little longer and tighter.

All my love and Prayers
Teresa mommy to Angel Marcus who is forever in my heart. I love you baby to the power of infinity...and beyond

Wednesday, February 18, 2004 9:56 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
It has been 5 weeks since my baby went to heaven. I am trying very hard to be strong and cope daily. It is rough and I am having alot of difficult moments. That is the only way I can explain how I feel...from moment to moment. Sometimes I feel strong because I know that Marcus is with God and he is happy. Then I think that I will never hold him again,hear his voice,see his smile or laugh. This gives me a feeling of doom. I fight very hard to keep sane during these moments. This is the most horrible feeling in the world and I pray that God gives me strength. That is my feelings and I just wanted to get that over with and now I can talk about other things.
I had a visit from my baby. For those of you who do not believe that this can happen...that is fine but please understand that I do and it gave me much comfort. I had a dream about Marcus(in the dream I did not see Marcus,it was more of a feeling/energy) I let him go for a sleepover with his dad for one night. That one night turned into a month...when I realized this I started to freak out. I called everywhere trying to find Marcus...and no one knew where he was. I was driving around hysterically,running through the snow,but could not find Marcus. Somewhere in that time I received a message from Marcus. It was very clear and remained with me when I woke up. The message from Marcus was "Mommy,I am ok. I am with God,I am doing things that I love to do and I am happy. Please stop greiving and go on with your life" When I woke and realized my dream I knew it was Marcus' way of letting me know he was fine. I told him that I would try to do what he said,but as for the greiviing...that is going to take a very long time and to try and be patient with me. It was a good feeling but I also felt so lonely knowing that Marcus was indeed gone. When I say this out loud to try and get myself to believe it freaks me out. I find myself driving and listening to the radio and a certain song comes on and i cry so hard. You know it seems that my posts are sad these days. I have to try and change that because I do not want to make anyone feel sad. I want you always to smile/laugh when you think about Marcus. I think I am going to ask Terry(Juliannas' daddy) to give me some pointers(www.caringbridge.org/canada/julianna).
This is belated,but I hope everyone had a great Valentines. St Martin de Porres Church had a dance in Marcus' name. It was really nice and I am so very touched but their support(thanks to all that helped in ANY way to make it a success).
A friend of mine has made a memorial page for Marcus(www.creekindian.us/web/Marcus.htm) I hope you like it. (thanks Joy and Dan)
Just to remind you all to remind me when we have made plans to go out or you come to my home. My shortterm memory is still very bad. At first this was funny,now it is irritating. It makes me nervous because I am thinking all day that I am forgetting something. I have started a notebook to write things down. This will be hard when I return to work(I work in ER) I don't think it will go over good if a doctor ask me to do something and I forget....Oops,sorry doctor memory problems. That will not go over well with me or the doctor. Is there a pill for this?
Anyways,I am going to close. Thank you to everyone that has helped me lately. I know I can be a handful and I am so grateful that you have been so gentle with me. I am coming to you my friends with a special request. Some months ago I asked you to keep my mother in law in your prayers as she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She just finished radiation and doing ok. She was concerned about the othr breast and had a mammogram done...something showed(God this never ends) So she is going to have it tested. Please say some extra prayers that it is not cancer again. I am upset because this should have been done the first time around but the doctor was not concerned(same doctor that was positive that she did not have cancer in the first place) She is a wonderful and loving woman and she brings so much joy and peace to my life. Please ask God to watch over her and I will ask our little angel Marcus to watch over his OMA. So I will close. Thank you all so very much for dropping in and blessing me with your love. I hope all is well with everyone. Take care my friends and God Bless
All My Love and Prayers
Teresa and my little Angel Marcus who is forever in my heart. I love you baby to the power of infinity...and beyond.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004 11:05 PM CST

Hello my friends
It has been 4 weeks since my baby went to heaven. Can you believe that...because I sure as h--- can't. This road that i am made to travel now is unreal. My mind wonders so much about all the unknown about heaven and where Marcus is and what he is doing. I try to find some comfort in believing that he is happy and doing things that are rewarding for him. Isn't
that what heaven is offering. I have been reading books that talk about heaven and I am finding comfort in some of these books. I continue to visit Marcus everyday and it is still unreal that he is not with me. Some moments I feel strong and then thoughts come in my head and I lose it. Grief...such an overbearing emotion. It can cripple you at times. I am trying really hard to get a grip on not letting it cripple me...but still can not get a grip on the grief.
We had mass tonight in Marcus' name and it was lovely. It was also a healing mass for the sick. Father John did individual blessings to whoever came to the alter for healing blessing. There were alot of people that went to the alter. I was not going to go but my family convinced me that I have a sickness...grief can alter your thoughts and actions and needed to prayed for. I went up and I am so happy I did. My whole family came to the mass(I have a very large family) The last time we were together was at the service 4 weeks ago. It was very emotional. I felt emotioal seeing the young children getting blessed and wished that Marcus could be here to get blessed. Sometimes I feel that my thinking is "way off and I am going crazy" but I know it is a process I must go through. With this said I want to mention to my family and friends....I appreciate all that you do for me. I love you more than you can imagine. Please have patience with me as I try to handle each day. My short term memory is very poor. When we make plans to do something I maynot remember...please call to remind me. I hope this is not a long term thing as it is very difficult to handle myself.
So I am going to close. I thank you for dropping in to check on me. Please continue to pray for my strength and piece of mind. I wish you all good health and happiness. Take care my friends and God Bless
Lots of Love and Prayers
Teresa mommy to Angel Marcus(8) forever and ever

Thursday, February 5, 2004 11:28 AM CST

Hello my friends
It has been 3 weeks now since my baby went to heaven. Still as I type this my head is not able to register or understand. My memory still is lost of those last 2 days in the hospital. In someways it may be a good thing as my days now are unbearable and anymore pain may be very difficult to handle. So my mind and body is protecting me for now until I can handle more information( which really I think is never). I am having some really hard days. I can't get pass the idea that Marcus will not be lying beside me when we go to sleep and he will not be there when I wake up. There are no more nights when we just snuggle and watch TV. Oh how I loved doing that. I felt so safe and calm at those times. Now I feel so empty and lost. I visit him everyday and I pray that God gives me strength and some understanding. The fact is there is no understanding to me. I just do not understand why Marcus had to get Leukemia and suffer and die from it. Why was he not one of the survivers. What could I have done differently? Why did the doctors just give up on us? Why was my life torn apart.? People say that God do not give us more than we can handle...I really do not want to hear that right now. I really do not think God would give me this pain and think that I can handle it...because I can't. People also say that God does everything for a reason and he has a plan. What is that plan? What was so wrong with the original plan...that being that Marcus and I being a family for a long time. Why did that have to change. I do not think God planned to tear my heart out and make me feel pain for the rest of my life. That is not the way he is so I refuse to believe he meant for this to happen. Yet I still do not understand.
My days are so empty,where once they wre filled with so much happiness. I wonder if I will ever feel even half that again. I just want to stay in bed and sleep away my days. I know that I need help and I will be seeing someone soon. Until then I have to try very hard to handle each day the best I can. I cry,I ache.I hurt and I pray. What else can I do right now. Oh my but this is sounding to sad. I hope that it does not offend anyone what I write here...it is just how I am feeling now. Time is on my side and I have lots of it. I pray with Gods help I can learn to live again.
Tomorrow I am meeting with Marcus' doctors so that we can talk about everything. I am nervous to see them but I have questions and feelings that I need to talk about. Any suggestions here would be great...you can email me privately.
So I am going to close now and go get ready to go visit Marcus. I hope I did not make anyone feel sad that is not what I meant to do. I want you always to remember Marcus and his smiling face and wonderful sence of humor. I think about that everyday and try to smile when I do. I ask that you say an extra prayer for me for strngth.
Now on with other business. The blood supply and platelet supply is low. I encourage..no I beg you to go out and donate. I am going to be holding a clinic in Marcus' memory on April 2/04 at ST Thomas More (details to follow) I would love to see ALL of you out there(first timers and regulars) It would make me so proud that you would remember Marcus in this way. If you need any information just call or email me. For those of you who do not know...giving blood is different then giving platelets. Giving platelets takes 2 hours. Platelet supply is low. In order to supply 1 bag of platelets they have to use 4 bags of blood(this is not a good thing). If you are interested in donating platelets PLEASE call me or call your local blood donor clinics. In Toronto it is 1-888-236-6283(1-888-2 donate) Remember "blood ...it's in you to give"
Thanks again for helping others have a chance at life. I love you all...feeling alittle strong at this moment.
Lots of love and Prayers
Teresa and My little Angel in Heaven...Marcus

Wednesday, January 28, 2004 11:15 PM CST

Hello my friends
Well it has been 2 weeks since my baby went to heaven. Today has been really bad for me. I have had a few meltdowns ( I try to do this in private so that I can really get it out) Reality has not hit yet. I still thing he is in the hospital and I am home on a break. My memory is still gone... but I have an appt to see a therapist on Feb.12th. I am not sure what they can do but I am open to any help. My friends and family continue to supoort me by being with me or cooking me meals(thanks Sharon,Corey Ann, Colleen,MaryJo,Andrea,Ingrid and so many more) I also appreciate when friends just drop by with a coffee(Deborah,Rina,Tammy,Jean and more) The support that I have received from Marcus' school and this community has been so overwhelming. I am very proud to be a part of this community and I thank you all for the love and support. A very special thank you alos to my friends Cathy,Corey,Lorna and Roxanne for being here with me on those horrible days. My house never had so many people in it at one time...Marcus surely loved it. I have to mention that St Martin de Porress Church is having a Valentine Dance and all proceeds will be going to help me with any financial problems. I am so very touched by their support.(thank you to the social committee)
So,what more can I say. I am doing ok...as ok can be. I visit with Marcus everyday. Just want to share something with you. Last night I woke at 2:30 am by a noise. I listened and it sounded like a motorcycle. Now I know there is no one out this hour on a bike...esp in this snow. I got up and looked out the window...no one there. I went back to bed and the sound came again. As I listen it hit me. Marcus has a Harley in the garage and wanted to ride it so much lately...but it was to cold. So tonight I feel he is out joyriding with his new friends. RIDE BABY RIDE. I hope this is fine to include in my journal and yu do not think I am "losing my mind" although that may be true anyway.
So I am going to close for now. I ask that you remember my sweet Charlotte(www.caringbridge.org/ca/charlotte) who is doing much better. Please pray that she continues to do well. I love this little girl so much. So I will update again soon. Please stay in touch and continue to pray for my family and myself. I love you all. Take care and God Bless
Lots of Love and Prayers
Teresa and my little Angel in Heaven..MARCUS

Saturday, January 24, 2004 7:33 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
It has been 1 week since i buried my baby (11 days since God called him to heaven). My life has been forever changed. It is difficult to explain how I am feeling as I really am not feeling anything...does that make sence? Either there is something really wrong with me or...Marcus and God has touched with with so much peace. Either way I am moving through the days and doing things that need to be done...although at a very slower pace than normal. I visit Marcus everyday and as of yet my body and mind has not truly registered the reality of what has happened. Maybe that is why I am moving through the days better than I I thought i could. I am waiting for the day when 'ALL REALITY HITS ME AND LIFE ENGULFS ME WITH THE PAIN THAT IS HIDDEN DEEP WITHIN ME". I am not sure if I am making any sence here. May that is the way it is suppose to be...me not making sence. Please do not think that I am coping and going through life as if it is another day. That is far from my life these days. I go through life in a "daze" I still have no memory of those days when Marcus passed away. My doctor has referred me therapy and I am waithing to hear from them. I agree that it is my body/minds way of protecting me because when my family is telling me about things that happened I have to make them stop. I cannot allow myself to think about the pain that my baby went through and not being able to help. I know I was anger with the staff and I let them know that this was not how it was suppose to be...I just hope I did not blame the nursing staff because they were so nice to us. I guess I am angry at the medical staff for not trying harder when Marcus relapsed...they just gave up. This is something that I have to deal with and I will when I am stronger. For now I have decided that I want to help other families(newly diagnosed families) as Marcus would like that very much. I plan to start organizing baskets for new families...things they can use those first few days when diagnosed when life is unreal. If anyone would like to help please let me know....it is a great way to help people.

Now how can I say thank you to all of you. I am slowly going through all the cards and making a list so that I can send you a card. If for any reason I forget anyone PLEASE FORGIVE ME. Just incase I do forget I am saying now to ALL of you from the bottom of my heart I thank you for ALL your support. Marcus is for sure happy and proud that you have been here for me and my family. Special thank you to St Malachy School and Community for the continued support to me...I am so proud to be a part of this wonderful school and community(special thank you to Angela Morra who has designed 'THE MARCUS BRACLET" It is very beautiful and a wonderful way to carry on with Marcus' memory. ) To all the parents,students and staff who are working so hard to make the braclets...thank you so very much.
Thank you so much Father John Duffy and Father Peter Power for the wonderful service for Marcus. Thank you Mr Patel for the wonderful words you said about Marcus(I would love to have a copy of that) Thank you to my friends that sang at Marcus' service(Pat O'Prey,Roxanne O'Driscoll,Ferd Avera,Ginnette Reyes,Annette Thevakvmar ,Kathleen Bicos and ofcourse the entire church community) Thank you to anyone that helped make Marcus' day so wonderful. A special thank you to the Tow Truck Drivers who blocked the intersections so that we had a great drive to the internment(Marcus for sure was loving that). I can go on and on with all the thank you to each and everyone of you. My sincerely and deepest love and thanks to my family and friends that have been here for me to help me get through.Thanks Lorna and Roxanne for travelling to be here with me.My wonderful neighbours that are ALWAYS here for me. My wonderful mother and mother in law,sisters,brotheres,nieces and nephews. I can't believe we were all able to be in the same room at the same time...and no fighting...I LOVE YOU ALL. Again if I am forgetting anyone I am so very sorry. Oh thank you so very much to Davies Ward Phillips & Vineberg for the generous donation...you have always been so good to us and I am so thankful for your support...my mother in law truly works for an amazing law firm. Ok that is all for now. I will close for now as I am now very tired. This has indeed taken alot out of me but I felt that I need to do it...good therapy. As I go through my days I am sure I will remember more and I will agin be back to update. Until than please take good care of yourself and hug your children just a little longer and more often. Take care my friends and God Bless. Just a special Thank You to my Caringbridge family...you are all so great to me...I Love You. I close now and keep you in my prayers and I know you keep Marcus and Me in yours.
Lots of love and prayers
Teresa

Sunday, January 18, 2004 8:20 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
How do I begin...? How do I go on...? This has been the worst days of my life. There is no other experience in my life that can compare to this. I have lost the love of my life and I have no words to explain how I feel. I am numb all over. I see his little face and my heart aches so much that I feel I cannot breath and I do not want to go on.

The morning he died he was surrounded by all his family(aunts,uncles,cousins and me) He was so happy to have everyone with him(even though he did not know that time was short...and I was so not ready to try and let him know) This I will regreat forever. I did tell him close to the end that he is going to be with God and the angels...did he understand...I do not know. I just know that my life will never ever be the same. He did suffer at the end but I do not need to tell you of that as I want you to remember him as always being happy.

The service was so beautiful. There were so many friends and family that helped us celebrate. Marcus indeed looked like an angel...my angel. I am feeling so very lonely and lost now. I am asking God to help me and give me the strength and get through these days. I have so many friends and family but feel so alone. I know with time God will help me...but Oh dear God be with me now. Marcus' classmates had an honor guard at church for him( lined up with candles along the church).It was the most beautiful thing to see and Marcus would have been so happy. Thank you St Malachy School and community for all your help.

Please I ask that you pray for me now and my family.

Thank you all for the kind words that you have sent to me. When I am stronger I will try to write again. God Bless you all and promise me that you will hug your kid alittle longer and harder. I love you all

LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS
TERESA AND MY ANGEL MARCUS(forever 8 years old)

Wednesday, January 14, 2004 1:05 PM CST

My name is Donna, Teresa's friend. It is with deep regret
that I post this message. Early this morning, peacefully in his Mother's arms surrounded by family and friends, Marcus became an Angel.

Funeral Arrangments As Follows:
Viewing Friday January 16 2004
3pm-9pm
Ogden Funeral Home
4164 Sheppard Ave East/Midland
416-293-5211
Funeral Mass
Saturday January 17 2004
@ 10am
St.Thomas More Catholic Church
2234 Ellesmere Road/Markham
416-439-1545
Followed By Internment @,
Pine Hills Cemetery
625 Birchmount (Kennedy/St.Clair)
416-267-8229

In leiu of flowers, the family would appreciate donations to THE MARCUS NAZIR TRUST FUND
LAURENTIAN BANK OF CANADA
4218 LAWRENCE AVE EAST
SCARBORUGH, ONTARIO M1E 4X9
CANADA
OR
THE LEUKEMIA FOUNDATION.
Please keep Teresa in your prayers.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004 10:57 AM CST

Hello dear friends
My heart is so heavy these days that it takes alot just to update,but I thought I would.
We are back in hospital. Marcus has contracted chicken pox (I just do not understant how he got it...maybe from clinic) He also has a pleral effusin on the right side os his lung. He is in pretty bad shape. The doctors told me they have a bed in ICU incase. It is so hard to look at him..covered in that chicken pox,abdominin very distented from codeine use from pulled shoulder,and his suggleing to be calm with his breathing. He has an NG tube down his nose,foley catherter as his urine output is lw,on oxygen as his sats decrease with the distended abd and PE. As I look at him now he is not the same little bly...but he is my boy.
The doctors have had the talk with me...you know the one...if Marcus should require assistance to breath what are my wishes. My wished is to turn time back a year so that I can be a little more prepared and for Marcus not to have this at all. But I told them at this time I want everything done to save my sons life. I know if there is a time that I see him suffering to much than I will have to reevalueate that. I am not giving up hope for this miracle that we have all been praying for. Please Please turn up the prayers as we are in a very danger zone.I am not sure when I will update again,but I will try. Just know that I continue to think about you all. To my caringbridge family...always you are in my heart and prayers...stay strong. So I will close now. I am sorry if this is a sad update...my heart is heavy and that is where it is coming from. Take care my friends and hug those kids just a little closer and tighter and longer. All My Love
Teresa and the bravest little boy in the world Marcus

Friday, January 9, 2004 7:45 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
Just to let you all know that I am tired so please excuse any mistakes in the typing. It is Friday night and I am trying to relax from this week.
We went to clinic on Monday and had platelet infusion(they are so short on platelets so please call you local blood clinic for information on how to donate) Marcus' counts are low so we have to be very careful. We also went to clinic on Thursday. We got false reading on the morning bloodwork so it had to be repeated. We received platelets which finishdat 4:30pm. At that time the new results from more blood taken 1 hour proir showed that the Hgb was low. It was so late that we/they decided to "bring us back Friday...the next day" to get the red cell infusion. Like I always say ...I have nothing else I need to do so why not spend it at clinic ALL DAY. So today we went to clinic and had red cells. Marcus had high blood pressure issue all day. It is mainly due to the pulled muscle in his neck/shoulder. He is getting codeine for the pain but sometimes it is so bad that I get scared for him. We cannot give any type of anti-inflammatory because it affects his platelets. Tonight he is resting in my bed and watching TV. Please include him in your prayers and all the children that are going through this difficult journey. Could you please say an extra pray for Julianna who has recently relapsed You can leace her a message at www.caringbridge.org/canada/julianna.
So we continue to take Protocel and I am seeing results(signs that it is working) I spoke with Marcus' transplant doctor and we are planning to do the DLI(donor leukocyte infusion). I will know more next week and I will update on it much more.
Well I am tired and I want to snuggle with my baby. So I close now and ask you to include also in your prayers
-Justin(www.sevans.net/justin.htm)
-Adam Dill
-Joe White
-Jason Wong
-Charlotte(www.caringbridge.org/ca/charlotte)
and all the children and their families. I pray for strength and good health in 2004. Take care my friends and thanks for dropping in and checking on us. All our love and prayers
Teresa and Marcus

Wednesday, December 31, 2003 6:18 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
Well here it is almost 2004(it is 7:30 now). Marcus is sleeping on the couch(just a powernap so he can be awake to bring in the new year). We have had a great Christmas so far. Christmas morning was so amazing thanks to great friends and family. Marcus had a smile on his face all day as he worked his way through his things. He wants to be a Chef/Doctor when he grows up,so for Christmas he got an oven(and has made cookies and cakes to start...they were great) As for the doctor part...he is so far ahead in that field from his own experiences. So we continue to enjoy our time home and thank God everyday for this.

We had a rough day at clinic on Monday. We arrived at 8:45,had blood drawn by 9:10,results back at 10:30(platelets 30 so he would need a transfusion as he is losing 30 a day) I discussed this with nurse and we decide that the doctor would have a look at Marcus. So wait another 2 hours for that. Saw the doctor(not his ONC and not one we know) He said "Oh Marcus' platelets are fine not in the danger zone"I let him talk for awhile. Then I calmly explained Marcus' situation(losing 30 platelets a day...he only has 30...when would you like to see us again...3:00 in the morning!!!!) Needless to say we got the platelets which took another hour. Then we had to wait to be hooked up. We finnaly started infusion at 5:00pm(and he needs to be pre-medicated with benedryl and Hydrocort...so nighty nighty Marcus) We finished at 6:30 and had to fight the traffic going home. I was so tired that I wish someone else was at the wheel. But you know I can't complain because at least we are home and that is so important to us. If I sound like I am complaining please forgive me...PMS

Tonight we are going to watc movies and just snuggle...when he walks up.

The pray group from church has been coming daily to do the Rosery with us. They have left the statue of Mother Mary with us for a week. We pray to her and God and beg for our miracle and for all the children in the world that are suffering in any way. You would love to see Marcus as he resites the Rosery...makes me proud. Sometimes I feel strong and sometimes I feel weak. God knows these times and he is with me and helps me through. my faith has grown so much and I rely on it more than I ever have.

Now just to wish each and everyone of you the happiest New Year. My wish is that we find all the joy,love ,peace and good health in 2004. I pray that we remain strong and faithful in all our endeavors and welcome 2004 and a new beginning. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I will be thinking and praying for us all as the old year ends and the new year begins. To all my friends...old and new,near and far....I love you. Take care and God Bless

LOVE AND PRAYERS
TERESA AND MARCUS

Wednesday, December 31, 2003 6:18 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
Well here it is almost 2004(it is 7:30 now). Marcus is sleeping on the couch(just a powernap so he can be awake to bring in the new year). We have had a great Christmas so far. Christmas morning was so amazing thanks to great friends and family. Marcus had a smile on his face all day as he worked his way through his things. He wants to be a Chef/Doctor when he grows up,so for Christmas he got an oven(and has made cookies and cakes to start...they were great) As for the doctor part...he is so far ahead in that field from his own experiences. So we continue to enjoy our time home and thank God everyday for this.

We had a rough day at clinic on Monday. We arrived at 8:45,had blood drawn by 9:10,results back at 10:30(platelets 30 so he would need a transfusion as he is losing 30 a day) I discussed this with nurse and we decide that the doctor would have a look at Marcus. So wait another 2 hours for that. Saw the doctor(not his ONC and not one we know) He said "Oh Marcus' platelets are fine not in the danger zone"I let him talk for awhile. Then I calmly explained Marcus' situation(losing 30 platelets a day...he only has 30...when would you like to see us again...3:00 in the morning!!!!) Needless to say we got the platelets which took another hour. Then we had to wait to be hooked up. We finnaly started infusion at 5:00pm(and he needs to be pre-medicated with benedryl and Hydrocort...so nighty nighty Marcus) We finished at 6:30 and had to fight the traffic going home. I was so tired that I wish someone else was at the wheel. But you know I can't complain because at least we are home and that is so important to us. If I sound like I am complaining please forgive me...PMS

Tonight we are going to watc movies and just snuggle...when he walks up.

The pray group from church has been coming daily to do the Rosery with us. They have left the statue of Mother Mary with us for a week. We pray to her and God and beg for our miracle and for all the children in the world that are suffering in any way. You would love to see Marcus as he resites the Rosery...makes me proud. Sometimes I feel strong and sometimes I feel weak. God knows these times and he is with me and helps me through. my faith has grown so much and I rely on it more than I ever have.

Now just to wish each and everyone of you the happiest New Year. My wish is that we find all the joy,love ,peace and good health in 2004. I pray that we remain strong and faithful in all our endeavors and welcome 2004 and a new beginning. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. I will be thinking and praying for us all as the old year ends and the new year begins. To all my friends...old and new,near and far....I love you. Take care and God Bless

LOVE AND PRAYERS
TERESA AND MARCUS

Wednesday, December 24, 2003 9:26 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
Well here we are Christmas Eve and I thank God that we are home. There really is no place like home in yur own bed. I don't sleep much but it is just so good to be in my own home and bed. I am fighting the flu(my voice is going...hey that might be good for some people...lol) I took Marcus out tonight for a drive and looking at the lights(we do that every year but usually earlier than today). Marcus is so excited about Santa Claus coming...we are tracking him on the computer. Marcus usually leaves cookies and diet coke(thinks he needs to lose weight) My tree is so nice...if I could only see it. There are so many gifts under there from friends and family. This will be a good Christmas for Marcus. Tomorrow my family have arranged a dinner for our family at the church hall(we have a big family) .Since Marcus' counts are low we have to be very careful and will have to wear a mask. We will not stay to long. It will be nice to see family and having a great meal. It has been awhile since I had a really good cooked meal(not complaining)

We got out of hospital on Saturaday. We went to clinic on Monday(platelets 58 but decided to have us return on Tuesday for transfusion...because I don't have anything to do) So we went to clinic on Tuesday. They wanted to do bloodwork through the hickman(took 2 hours to get that done) We were hooked up to IV and got platelet infusion. I kept asking for results but they were not avaiable. After 3 hours I knew they had lost his bloodwork. So after the platelets they redid the bloodwork. When the results came back it showed that the Hgb had dropped from 99 to 77 since Monday. It was 3:30 and we were so tired. We decided to go home and monitor. He is doing fine so I think we will be fine until we go back on Friday. He has lots of energy. We continue to take the Protocel. The chemo has been held as his counts are low. We will resume when counts recover. After Christmas i will meet with the doctors and decide on our next plan. So please continue to pray that we make good and wise choices. I believe in miracles and this is the season for that.

So I will sign off now. Marcus and I want to wish each of you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR. I pray that you all have a safe and joyous season. I wish good health and peace for everyone. Thank you for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless

LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS
TERESA AND MARCUS

Friday, December 19, 2003 10:46 AM CST

Hello my dear friends
It has been awhile since I have updated. I want to thank all of you for checking in on us and leaving a message. Thank you all for continuing to pray for OUR MIRACLE and I have faith that we will get one. God is good and he does hear all our prayers.

So far Marcus continues with low dose chemo...keeps the leukemia at bay for now. The doctors here have been in touch with doctors in US and trying to come up with a plan. They are trying hard and I am so grateful for that. I think it took me having to do research(with the help of so many friends on this internet)for them to talk to doctors that I found in US. Either way they are talking. I just had a message from one of the doctors in US and he said he was talking to our doctor yesterday and they think they have a good plan...can't wait to hear it. In the meantime I am starting Marcus on an alternative type o treatment called PROTOCEL. It is not chemo but an immune system boost. I have been in contact with families who have been in the same place as we are and they are taking this and the change has been amazing. It is not covered by insurance or OHIP but I have to try EVERYTHING for Marcus. He trusts me and relies on me and I will not let him down. I will do everything possible for him...for us.

Marcus is feeling well. His counts are low so he is very easy access to infection(so if you are sick please just call so that we don not expose him to anything) They are hopeing to discharge us tomorrow...I can't wait. I love this hospital but I love home more(much more). Marcus has his times of the day when he cries and just wants to be home.

So incase I do not update for a few days I just want to wish each and everyone of you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS from our house to yours. May this season bring you all the joy,love ,peace and health that you deserve. Be safe and God Bless.
LOVE AND PRAYERS
TERESA AND MARCUS

Sunday, December 14, 2003 5:15 PM CST

Hello dear friends
Tonight I am at home and my sister is staying with Marcus. I know I need this time away but it breaks my heart to be away from him. My mom is staying with me...so nice to be pampered. Today Santa Claus and Mrs Claus came to see Marcus. He was so happy and excited with tat. Santa had alot of gifts for him (His Oma arranged this from her work) It was such a wonderful thing for them to do and Marcus was so happy.

Marcus is feeling good. His platelets continue to drop and he requires infusions.Also his coagulation is off ( clotting issues)His WBC=1.2 HGB=78 Plts=60. He is only getting low dose VP16 but it is dropping his counts. Friday night we were up late as Marcus had continuous nosebleeds. They transfused him at 2:00am. He slept shortly after that but not me.

I willspeak to the doctors tomorrow about DLI vs Combotox. The DLI can be done here but I would have to go out of state for the Combotox. I am still unsure as to what to do...any guidance/thoughts would be welcomed.

On Friday night Marcus received a call from THE ROCK (WWE-Wrestling) Marcus was so beside himself...as was I. Thank you Ayse for arrangeing this...you are so amazing.

My words are less but I want you all to know that I appreciate each and everyone of you. You love,prayers and support have been so comforting. Thank you for always being here for us as we travel this road. My days are long and my body is weary but my fight goes on. Marcus has so much strength and positive attitude that I get that from him.

Thank you everyone who went to the Blood Donor Clinic. I hear it was a great success. Aside from giving blood we are also short on platelets (which is a component of the blood) To arrange for this please call 1888todonate for information.
Thank you for dropping in and checking on us and keeping us in your prayers. Take care and God Bless
Teresa and my brave little man Marcus

Tuesday, December 9, 2003 10:16 PM CST

Hello my dear friends
I am so sorry that I have not updated for awhile. I know you are all checking in on us and hoping for news. I have been so tired and "depressed" that it takes alot out of me to try and do even the simplest things. So tonight I am at home and my sister is with Marcus ( who begged me not to leave him because he cannot sleep without me) I finally was able to leave because he needed a platelet transfusion (he needs benedryl before they give platelets because he has a reaction to them...so therefore he went to sleep fast with the benedryl)

It has been a long and very emotional 2 weeks. The doctors do not give me a positive feeling. They gave me three choices
(1) Go home and do nothing and let the leukemia take over...I DON'T THINK SO...
(2)Experimental drug....ARSENIC for which they have no idea what will happen(side effects etc) This would have to be approved by Health Canada which would take a week. We already let a week go by without doing anything so I was to scared to consider this
(3) Low dose chemo to give him time with us
Let me see is there anything here that makes me happy and hopeful....NO NO NO

I have started with #3 for now to give me time to search for help. I have so many people helping me try to find some answers. You all know who you are and I am so very grateful for ALL you do to help us.
Marcus is doing well. He does require frequent platelet transfusion. He has coagulation problems ( clotting problems with his blood) This is part of the leukemia for which he was dx with(chromosome translocation17&19) He usually has a time during the day when he cries and needs answers to why this has happened again. I am having a difficult time with this. Today we were woke up early to have blood taken peripherally to check PTT/INR (coagulations) He wanted to stay up than and just wanted to do so much and NOW. I was so frustrated as I have not slept in so long. I snapped . Marcus calmly said to me,"mommy come here and let me hug you. Take a deep breath and don't get frustrated. Don't cry mommy because everything will be ok." Can you believe that. I should be comforting him and he has to take care of me. I have the most amazing son in the world. Life is so unfair. This has been the worst 8 months of our lives so far. So much has happened in such a short time and so many decisions had to be made in such a short time. I have not been able to catch my breath. Now this....God will guide me in the right direction.

Tomorrow I will be seeing my BMT doctor and hopefully come away with a plan. Otherwise I have been in contact with a few doctorsin the USA and they have shown some interest. So when I have more information I will let you all know
I appreciate all the prayers and support for all of you. You have been here for us during this dark time and it means so much. I pray for you all as I know you pray for us. Take good care and Good bless. I so wish you all good times during this holiday season.
ALL OUR LOVE AND PRAYERS
TERESA AND MY AMAZING SON MARCUS

Tuesday, December 2, 2003 8:50 PM CST

Hello my friends and family
I will try to update the past few days as best as I can. So we found out we relapsed post BMT on Thursday. We went home and stopped taking cyclosporin and prenisone. At 3:30am Marcus developed a fever. Off we go to the hospital and we were admitted. We have had 3 platelet infusions ,red blood cell infusion,2 fresh frozen plasma infusions with vit K daily (as he has coagulation problems as part of the leukemia genetics),fribrogen infusion for same,potassium infusions as it is low (he is on cardiac monitor during these times). He has a few nasty bruises, bloody urine,sore lips,dry face,loose tooth. Spirits ar ok. Last night he cried alot and said it wasn't fair that he wanted to be home. He says he is so mad at his body. Tonight he cried again and said he was homesick. We both cried and he said he was so sorry for making me cry...which made me cry more. Then we cuddled in bed.

So the doctors want to keep him off the meds as before and hopeflly get some GVHD started. Tomorrow we meet again and reassess. They may start some chemo in the meantime. They really do not have a plan to follow which I can't believe. I have spoken to other parents who have been in this position and have good advice. I have talked to the doctors about this and hopefully we will develop a plan together. For now I enjoy my time with Marcus,pray alot and try to enjoy life.

During this unthinkable time I have found so much strength in Marcus and God. When I am feeling at my lowest I can feel his presence and it gives me the strength to go on. Please continue to pray for us and the doctors to make some good choices.

Charlotte left today to go to Moncton Hospital. It was a very emotional time when she left Please pray for her continued health and safety and he family. Carol if you read this please remember how much we care for all of you and miss you already.

There is a definate shortage of blood/platelets so PLEASE PLEASE DONATE.

Life has been alittle unfair to us right now but we are" calling all angels" to help us through. These angels come from all over. Thank you all for checking in on us and loving us as you do...we feel so blessed. Take care and God Bless

LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS
TERESA AND MY BRAVE LITTLE MAN AND LOVE OF MY LIFE MARCUS

Saturday, November 29, 2003 1:30 PM CST

Hello my friends
Where do I began...Let me start with saying a very hugh thank you to all of you for all the support and advice you have given me over the past few days. These are dark days for my family and myself right now and it is hard to think clearly. I have received some get help from my friends who have gone though similiar ordeal. It has allowed me to take my head out of the ground and move ahead...and that is exactly what I plan to do. I am still not completely strong but I am feeling more hopeful. Thank you everyone for helping me through these past few days.

Marcus has developed a fever and we are now admitted. He is on antibiotics and they will do test to see if there is any source of infection(does this sound familiar?) We have stopped cyclosporin and prednisone to get some GVHD to happen...this will make the body go out and find any of the cancer cells and kill the. It is very dangerous thing to do as it can be very harmful to Marcus. If you remember when Marcus had the fever for so long and started prednisone the fever went away. Now that the prednisone has stopped the fever has returned...any relation? So we are keeping a close eye on him and treating with tylenol. Marcus remains in good spirits. He tells me not to worry that we will get back into remission and do something special...and I am holding him to that. He is a smart boy so I try to be careful with how I act or what I say.

Today is Saturday and we are relaxing and watching TV. His counts are low and he is tired but he is not complaining...always the trooper. The nurses are being so great to us.

On Monday I will meet with the doctors and develop a plan of action. I have all the information that my friends have sent to present to them. If they are not willing to try anything than I will go to a hospital that will...in the USA. I know that is expensive but my sons life is priceless. I will get a load if I have to. Let's hope that I would not have to leave Canada to get the proper treatment and that I can be here where my family and friends will be.

I am now tired so I will close for now. Just to let you know that I saw Charlotte yesterday. My heart breaks for her and her family. They will be going home Tuesday and with the help of family and friends and God they will get through this.

Thank you all for checking in on us. Your support and advice is so very much appreciated. Please continue to pray for us and please remember to donate blood/platelets. Take care and God Bless

All our love
Teresa and my strong little man Marcus

Thursday, November 20, 2003 3:14 PM CST

Day 97(almost 100 days post transplant!!!!) The days are long but I thank God everyday for them. We were at clinic yesterday and Marcus' bloodwork is good. His cycosporin levels were alittle higher than they want so they decreased the amount he gets daily. This is all a trial and error thing until the levels are where they want it to be. Marcus complains of occasional abdominal pain but thus far he is coping. He has had a few headaches but I think it is sinus headache. Otherwise we are doing well and taking things one day at a time.

The teacher is with Marcus as I update. I am so happy that she comes twice a week and works with Marcus. She is pleased with his academic abilities. He is a bright child and I just want that to continue. Today he had to do graphs. He had to make up questions that he would ask people and fill it in on the graphs. He was on the phone all day trying to find people to ask the questions. He had fun!!!

So we are approaching our 100 day mark post transplant. It has been a rough road but we have come a long way. Marcus is an amazing little boy and I am so very proud of him. His way to look at the world is different than other 8 year old children. I am saddened by this but grateful at the same time. I thank God everyday for this wonderful boy who lightens my world.

Please continue to pray for all the children and to donate blood/platelets to help them survive. I ask that you pray extra hard for Charlotte and her family. They are going through such a difficult time and deeply needs our prayers.

Thank you for dropping in and checking on us and helping to bighten our days with your messages. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS
TERESA AND MARCUS

Friday, November 14, 2003 4:52 PM CST

Day 91 We continue to do well...thank you God. We went to clinic on Wednesday...all is well. Marcus' cyclosporin levels were low so they had to increase the amount he is getting. We were going to make visits every second week,but the doctor call today and wants us to come next week because of the low levels. I am actually fine with that. When the doctor suggested every two weeks I got nervous. Marcus is having some dryness around the nose,eyes and head. I am applying cream so lets hope that helps. Marcus' tummy pain is alot better...only ocassional now.

My MIL is doing well. I just want to thank everyone for all your prayers and good wishes to her. The test were good as the cancer cells did not spread. This is the best news for us and I thank God for watching over her...the power of prayer!!!!

So this Sunday is my birthday and Marcus has been secretly making something for me. It is so cute the way he tries to hide it(with the help of our neighbours)...I'll let you know. Also Sunday is the Santa Claus parade. Last year Marcus had a great time so I do not know what I am going to do this year. He cannot be around crowds...and you know there will be lots of people. He is so sad when he sees the advertisement on TV. Any thoughts as to what to do?

Charlottes' condition remains the same. Please continue to pray for her and her family.
Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. I am not sure if this update is coherent or jumping all over the place...just like my brains some days. Please remember to donate blood/platelets. Take care and God Bless

LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS
TERESA AND MARCUS

Monday, November 10, 2003 8:40 PM CST

Day+87 We are doing fine. Marcus' abd pain is not as bad. His temp has remained down which is a blessing. I get scared when I think when the steriods come off will his temp go back up??? ONE DAY AT A TIME cause that is all I can really handle anyway. I am feeling much better...ocassional dizziness but nothing I can't handle. We go to clinic on Wednesday so let's hope all remains well.

It is starting to get cold outside here in Canada...isn't that strange...to be cold in Canada??? For my American friends you would love it here in the winter.(sometimes we call in the army if the snow is too much!!!) All aside it is the best place to live and I am so grateful to be here. Anyway, life is good and I thank God for everyday.

At this time I am asking that you remember Charlotte and her family in your prayers. You can send her message on her site at www.caringbridge.org/ca/charlotte. Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS
TERESA AND MARCUS
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
P.S. Please remember to donate blood/platelets. Contact your nearest clinic to find a time and place. It will make you feel good that you gave and it will make someone feel good that they received.

Saturday, November 8, 2003 12:09 AM CST

Day+84 We are doing fine. Marcus continues to have abdominal pain but the ultrasound looks fine...except for the ++gas I think that is his major pain as he has always had problems since chemo. Sometimes he has to walk around as the pain is so bad...think the walking might be helping. He is taking LOSEC for his stomach and it is also helping. His steriods have been decreased as is his appetite....this accorking to Marcus is why he is not eating as much and I tend to agree(he is to knowledgeable on this topic for his age) His temp is staying down. I had a scared on Thursday as his temp went to 37.5...and I know this is not a fever but after everything we have gone through I startd to get excited(I know ...take a pill which I did) His temp has stayed down in the low 37 so I am doing fine...oh and so is Marcus!!! lol

Today he has a friend over...got permission from the hospital as Marcus was getting a little depressed being alone. He is so happy to have Alex over and they are watching a movie and eating popcorn...it just doesn't get any better than that
(ALEX IS A GIRL AND HE LIKES HER!!!!) her mom made some really nice things for Marcus(crafts and a blanket with pictures of his friends...it is to cool...thanks Laura you rock)

That is all for today. Just a reminder to donate blood whenever you can as there is always a shortage. We the parents and the children appreciate that so much. Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS
TERESA AND MARCUS

Wednesday, November 5, 2003 6:27 PM CST

Day+82 The weather has been dark and wet these past few days...just like how I feel. I am comimg down with something...sorethroat,headacheetc. All I really need is a long sleep without dreams. Anyways we were at clinic today. Marcus' counts are god. His liver/kidney levels have improved but are still elevated. Marcus has been complaining about abdominal pain so the doctors did an ultrasound today. They did not see anything bad but will look closer and call me if anything. It was just getting to be to long of a day so they let us go home. That was a good thing because I didnot think I could keep my head up any longer. i have popped the Vit C and hope it works fast. I cannot be sick around Marcus...and who else will watch him. My friend Andrea is bringing over supper so at least I do not have to cook. It is taking everything out of me to get his meds ready... but he is such a trooper and playing his games. I just wanted to udate quickly. I also wanted to ask that you pray extra hard for Charlotte (Marcus' friend on BMT) as she is having a difficult time right now. These children go through so much and they need a break so please pray that Charlotte gets better quickly so that she can go home!!! Thank for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS
TERESA AND MARCUS

Saturday, November 1, 2003 9:41 AM CST

Day+77 Can you believe it is November!!! Marcus had a great time last night. I let him go around with my brother and his daughter to a few house for halloween. Than we sat outside with our neighbours and gave out treats. The weather was UNBELIEVABLE. We did not have to wear a jacket it was so nice. It felt so nice to sit out side with everyone and watch Marcus have a good time. He was Spiderman and he was all PUMPED UP for it. He had a face mask so that helped when he was around people. So now we have so much candy,although Marcus is not a big junk lover. Wait... he received his dads' donor cells and sometimes they take on the donor characteristics...OH NO he is going to eat alot of junk food because his dad really likes choc.bars.!! Anyways we are doing good. Marcus is eating well and drinking fairly well. He tries really hard not to be moody. He is taking care of me now that I am having dizzy spells...such a great little man. He wants to make breakfast for me(I go for the easy things like toast with jam and I make a pot of coffee) He is so proud that he helps me. Joan thanks for dropping by in you cat costume...Marcus thaought it was great. The apple crumpling was amazing. Thanks everyone for dropping in and checking on us. Please continue to pray for my mother in law as we await results of tests. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MY PUMPED UP SPIDERMAN MARCUS

Wednesday, October 29, 2003 10:49 PM CST

Day+75 We continue to do well. I have been busy organizing our life and getting into a routine. Marcus continues to eat well...still fighting with him to drink more as his liver/kidney levels are elevated. We were at clinic today and his counts are good except for the liver/kidney levels. So thay told Marcus he has to drink even more and I think he understood. Marcus' chinerism test came back and it shows that he is still greater than 90% engraghed. I can relax again until we have to do the next one. It seems when I am waiting for test results I work myself up (as we all do) until I get the news. So I will sleep alittle better tonight. I have been experiencing a 5 day history of vertigo. People refer to it as inner ear infection that makes you feel dizzy all the time with nausea. I find when ever I try to move the world start to move. I show my doctor and he advised me to take .5mg of Ativan as it will help with balance. He also said that it will not make me perfect but that it will help. So you know me... I had to correct him and let him know that I am already perfect. He advised me not to drive until this passes...maybe 2 weeks. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! That is making me rely on to many people. I have great family and friends but sometimes I feel like I ask to much and I am becoming a bother. Oh well Marcus and I will be spending lots of quality time together driving each other crazy!!! Anyway all is not bad. I have great neighbours who take damn good care of us...Donna/Gerry/Carly/Caitlain/Kenny/Linda/Flo/Joan&Bas...and so many more. My wonderful sister Jean is my rock and I cannot thank you enough for ALWAYS being here for us. Please continue to pray for my mother in law. Thank you for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MY TIRED MAN MARCUS

Saturday, October 25, 2003 8:25 PM CDT

Day+71 We are still home and doing well. It has been difficult trying to organize things but we are coping fine. Marcus is on steriods so you know what that means...moody and hungry...and wants the food NOW!!! Were at clinic yesterday and his bloodwork was good. His urea was slighty elevated so the doctors will keep an eye on him. They want him to drink more so I have to fight with him to drink,drink,drink...We return to clinic on Wednesday so let's hope things remain good. The weather is pretty cold so Marcus does not go out...I am still to nervous about him getting sick. So we have to find things to do to occupy our days(any ideas would be great)So we will close for now. Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MY MOODY/HUNGRY MAN MARCUS

Tuesday, October 21, 2003 7:21 PM CDT

Day+67 WE ARE HOME...THANK YOU GOD. It has been a long road getting to this point. I almost gave up about coming home this year. I guess the steriods were the answer after all. It is a little weird being home and I feel somewhat tired already. I am trying to orgainize my daily routine so that we can get back to normal fast. Tonight Marcus is just relaxing and watching TV. I almost thought we would not leave today because Marcus started having diarrehae at 3:30 in the morning and it continued into the day. He did settle and we came home. He had pizza for the first time in along time last night so it may have been hard on him. Marcus tells me he is happy to be home BUT he misses the nurses(think he is starting to get interested in girls to early...but they were so great to him). We have to go to clinic on Friday so we will drop in so he can get his fix. There are a few babies on the floor that Marcus have become very attached to. Before we left today he wanted to do his rounds and see the babies...wants me to have another baby...but only a brother. How can I tell him that I have no energy for that!!! So I will close now and go lay down with my baby. Thanks everyone for all the good thoughts. Joan did I say thank you for the food? We will eat that tomorrow...so nice not to cook. Gerry supper was great as usual. Take care and God Bless
Teresa and Marcus(our first night home in two and a half months...Good Night)

Monday, October 20, 2003 10:45 AM CDT

Day+66 The fever has been gone since last Wednesday and I have seen so much improvement in Marcus. The steriods that the doctors have started have kept the temp in the normal range and he has more energy. He is eating alittle better and the mood is tolerable at this time (sometimes I walk out of the room just to give us space when he starts his tantrums)We had day passes on the weekend and Marcus had a great time...was so tired when we got back to the hospital as was I. The great news now is WE ARE GOING HOME TOMORROW. I am so excited but scared. Now I have to do everything(cook,clean,meds,hickman line and dressing to the line,play,appoint,\ments,blood pressure,etc) I can handle it..just have to get in a routine. Just want to thank each and everyone one of you for all the support you have given us during this difficult journey. The messages were always a source of strength for us. Now we will begin the next phase and get back to some normal way of living. I do hope that you remain in our lives and we continue the journey to wellness. My family will be cleaning my house today so that I do not stress over that(thank you my wonderful family)I will keep updating as much as I can. Thank you for always checking in on us. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MARCUS

Thursday, October 16, 2003 10:08 PM CDT

Dat+62 and the fever is still gone. Marcus sure looks alot better now. The doctors have him on a steriod which has helped to keep the fever away...but with it comes some very challenging days. For those who may know about steriods and what they can do you can appreciate this. First Marcus was awake all night last night...just sitting up in bed and saying "mom I can't sleep" Will you know my reply "will Marcus I can" But needless to say I did not get much. The steriods will keep you up at night. So the doctors have ordered something to help him sleep should he need it. I am only going to use this if really needed. Second THE MOOD IS ABOUT TO CHANGE. He has turned into a grumpy bear. I have to get up and leave the room sometimes because he is so hard to talk with. I know it is the meds but OH MY GOD. Third his appetite will increase...still waiting for that. The doctors want to keep him on the steriods for another week to see how he does. They will stop antibiotics and monitor him. Then the next week start to decrease steriods and if he is doing well give us a day pass and than talk about going home. Maybe in about 2 weeks. I can hardly wait...it has only been 3 months. He is sleeping now so lets hope he does well tonight.
At this time I am asking for a very special favor from all of you. My mother in law found a lump on her breast and it has been tested and it is cancer. She is a wonderful lady and has been someone that Marcus and I have been able to count on throughout all this. Now she needs us and I am asking that you remember her in your daily prayers. She is strong and very positive like her grandson so we will beat this. Amy we love you so much and will get through this together as we always have. Thank you all. I will close now and try to sleep myself. Take care and God Bless
Teresa and my moody little man MARCUS

Wednesday, October 15, 2003 10:12 PM CDT

Day+61 The doctors have started Marcus back on steriods...Methoprednizolone yesterday after reinserting a new hickman. The first line exited from the right side of his chest, this one exits from the left side of his chest. He is doing fine with it...is still alittle sore and stiff. So the good news is that the fever has come down with perhaps the steriods. i will be talking to the doctors tomorrow and find out all about this and what this means. Marcus even went to the Starlight Room today and played. Charlotte was going to go but she got tired and needed to nap...soon sweetie you and Marcus will be running these halls again. Please say some prayers for a little boy here who is 18 months old...Jason. He had a transplant shortly after Marcus. The parents found out today that he still has leukemia cells in his blood. The doctors will try decreasing some of the meds to make the body go out and find these cells and kill them. So please as you pray remember him and all the children here that are having such a hard time...Arlen/Jason/Charlotte/Jessica/James/Baden/Bryden/Ozzy/Marcus...and all the new children that have come in this week. Pray for success and an easy journey. Joan the soup was great...so nice to see you. I will be thinking good thought for you and Bas. I will close now. Thank you for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MY MUCH COOLER MAN MARCUS

Monday, October 13, 2003 9:18 PM CDT

Day+59 Marcus had his hickman removed on Friday due to that ongoing fever for which we cannot find a reason. We had hoped that the fever would go away...but it has not. It has reached an all time high T=40.6 last night. The tylenol is not working as it should as it does not reduce the fever. The doctors talked about something called CYTOKINE REACTION for which I am not to familiar with. If anyone has info on this I would appreciate it.
So today we are having a lazy day. He is having abdominal discomfort with vomiting. We try to be very careful with what/how/when he eats and takes meds.
Tomorrow Marcus will go back to OR to have his hickman replaced in a different area. At this time he will also have a Bone Marrow Aspirate to be sure once again that the marrow is fine. I ask that you say some extra prayers at this time for a successful surgery and that the Bone Marrow is clear of leukemia and showing only his fathers cells.
I want to wish you all a very HAPPY THANKSGIVING and much happiness. Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MARCUS

Saturday, October 11, 2003 12:27 AM CDT

Day+57...can you believe that...all these day in the hospital(plus a week more for the chemo and radiation before transplant...yes we are ready to go home please!!) First the fever must go and Marcus must be feeling alot better. Last night he had another rough night. Nausea,vomiting,fever,abdominal pain.etc. This morning vomiting,fever,abd.pain etc. He had blood taken from his arm at 9am..and he was so brave.I noticed that his seft eye was red and swollen and than a patchy red rash developed over his face. One doctor came in and now I am waiting for the "real" doctor to come an assess Marcus. Could be due to the anasthetic(sp) yesterday or a flare up of GVHD. His mood is not to bad this morning...but he is still one hot cookie. If you get a chance please drop by to visit Charlotte as her birthday is Tuesday Oct 14(she will be 8 years old) www.caringbridge.org/ca/charlotte. So thanks for dropping in and visiting us. I think the site will be down for a few hours. Please enjoy your Thanksgiving weekend and dinner. We all have so much to be thankful for. I for sure am thankful for my son and all my friends/family and all your support. Ilove you all. Take care and God Bless. Pat thank you for thinking of Marcus and singing for him at mass...he really likes that. Talk soon
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MY BABY MARCUS

Friday, October 10, 2003 9:50 PM CDT

Day+56 What a nigh we had last night. The fever hit 40 in the mddle of the night. We were up all night with that and abdominal pain. Before we went to bed I think I scared him enough to go to the bathroom. The nurse woke us up at 745 am and said they want Marcus in the OR now...what a way to wake up. So he had the hickman line removed and an ordinary IV inserted in his left wrist. He is not happy with where it is because he is left handed and it is in the wrist so he can hardly move his hand. So now we wait to see if the fever goes. So far today it is still elevated. Tonight he had an upst stomach and vomited up alot. He had a bath and I settled him to sleep. He will have to get bloodwork done daily through his arm. He said he would be very brave for that. Just want to wish everyone a great HAPPY THANKSGIVING. I thank you for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MY MAN MARCUS

Thursday, October 9, 2003 1:38 PM CDT

Day+55 Marcus had a rough night. His temp was quite high over night and he had to get tylenol regularly. This morning it was 39.7(good temp usually 37.0) So he got tylenol along with all the other medication he had to get and also mom tyring to make him eat. Well you know what happened...he vomited up all he tried to eat and the meds. His abdomin is hurting...he has not gone to the bathroom in 7 days. The doctors and I had a talk and we are going to remove the hickman tomorrow (if there is OR time avaialble)I am happy about this but sad because it meanMarcus has to have anasthetic(sp) again. Than he has to have normal IV in his arm and needle pokes everyday. He hates all of this and I know I sdo because whenever this has to be done there will be lots of struggling. He is so strong and brave but he has had enough. I think they will put another type of line in Marcus next week...they have to wait a few days and let the area heal. I am not sure where they will put the new line...maybe in his arm. Anyway, I am sorry if I sound so distressed...I am but I want you all to know that I am ok. I am so grateful to all of you and all the support and concern you show to us. All the kind works on and off email give me strength to go to the next day. Marcus made me so proud today. He is feeling like crap...wanting to sleep. When his teacher came at 11:00 she offered to just read to him. Marcus said,"no,I want to do some work." He did really well but needed to rest after. So that is our day so far and it is only 3:00pm. I hope everyone is well. Thanks for dropping in and visiting us. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MY WONDERFUL LITTLE MAN MARCUS

Tuesday, October 7, 2003 9:26 PM CDT

Day+53 Dear Lord the fever is still with us and Marcus is feeling so tired and down. The doctors have stopped the steriods and antifungal meds...and will reasses on Thursday. If there is no change by than we may remove the hickman...even though there have not been any infection found there. Something may be hiding behind the site. The doctors are not sure just trying to do all that can be done to figure out the source of the fever. Please say some extra prayers that Marcus gets some relief soon and that he can have a "normal" life again and we can go home. That is all he is asking for now. He does not want to watch tv nor play with his games...just wants to sleep alot. He has been in the hospital for over 2 months so I guess he has had enough. We just need to go home and he will start to feel better soon. Anyways that is all for now. Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless
Teresa and Marcus

Sunday, October 5, 2003 8:30 PM CDT

Day+51 We slept in alittle today until 930. We went for a walk to get mommy her morning coffee. He was complaining of a upset stomach and vomited shortly after. He felt good after that. Marcus ate pretty good today and is drinking well. His temp remains elevated...and continues to get tylenol as needed. I will talk to the doctors tomorrow during rounds about the possibility of taking the hickman line out just in case something is hiding there.All the tests that were done have come back negative so there is no obvious source to the fever. One of the nurses bought Marcus a CD by the winner of the Canadian Idol...Ryan Maclohm. Marcus loves to listen to it and sings along with it. It is nice to hear Marcus sing...his voice is so nice. Tonight Marcus is doing homework...and trying desperately to get out of it...somethings never change!!! We had a cooked meal tonight from my sister and Marcus really enjoyed it as did I. I think when we get home things will get better in that department. Anyway, I am going o close for now. Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MY CLEVER LITTLE MAN MARCUS

Friday, October 3, 2003 7:18 PM CDT

Day+49 The temp remains up...was 38.5 in the morning and we gave tylenol and cultures done. Marcus spent the day with his dad and he so loves that. I was at the doctors for my shoulder and back. I am fine just alittle sore. Tonight I will stay home and sleep in my own bed. Aunt Jean will stay with Marcus tonight. Marcus is feeling fine tonight. He is going to go to bed early tonight. I miss him so much when i am not with him. I hope soon we can come home and snuggle in the same bed. I am going to close for now. Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MY LITTLE MAN MARCUS

Thursday, October 2, 2003 9:10 PM CDT

Day+48 and yes the fever continues. I decided to try something new today. When Marcus has a fever..which he did in the morning it was 38.8. I held off on the tylenol to see if his body could fight it on its own. It gradually went down during the day. In the evening it was 38.0 and he is feeling fine. I was trying to give his body a break from the tylenol because it is no good to overdue the body on that. Today during doctor rounds we decided to redue all the tests again so as to be sure nothing is growing now. So Marcus had to drink that nasty contrast and he has a CT of head/chest/pelvis and sinus. They rechecked blood for any virus/fungal etc. Also did blood cultures/urine cultures/stool cultures. We have had a pretty busy day and we are tired. Marcus continues to have abdominal cramping and has started holding his bowel movements as they hurt him. I have to make him go to the bathroom and sit with him...the things we have to do...and I would not have it any other way.So tonight he did homework and now he is resting. I will close now as my eyes are heavy. Thanks for checking in on us and for all yor support to us during this difficult and emotional time. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MY BEAUTIFUL AND CARING LITTLE MAN MARCUS
P.S. He has offered to massage my back for me because i am in so much pain...he is so special.

Tuesday, September 30, 2003 9:30 PM CDT

Day+46 Marcus continues with the fever. During doctor rounds yesterday they mentioned that since they cannot find a reason for the fever they were thinking something else. They thinK it may be due to some of the antibiotics. He has been on Cipro for awhile so they think it could be that. So they stopped that as of yesterday...so now we wait...it is all a trial and error. Today Marcus' dad stayed with him while I went to the blood donor clinic. It was so nice to see everyone. There was a segment on the news about Marcus and the clinic. It was a great thing and I am so proud of everyone who came out...alot of the people were first timers. Anyways, tonight I am staying home again...so nice to do as my sister is staying with Marcus. Anyway nothing else is new. Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. Bas/Joan/Donna/Rina thanks for the food...much needed...prevented me from fainting. Tracey thanks for arrangeing the clinic and being so brave for donating..and you to Tanya/Donna and all my other friends. I LOVE YOU GUYS. Aunt Jean I am so proud of you for donating. Thanks Mary jo,Carrie,Billy,Andrea...and whoever I am forgetting. This has all been for a great cause...the children so let's keep it going. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MY MAN MARCUS

Sunday, September 28, 2003 8:34 PM CDT

Day+44 and the fever continues...up tp 39.5 tonight. So far all the tests that have come back have been normal. The ones sent from the spinal fluid is still pending. I am going to insist on repeating alot of the test tomorrow at rounds. Some of the test were done a couple of weeks ago. I am so puzzled about this fever. I keep thinking it is a result of the transplant and the shock to his system...partly more of the GVHD. He has slept most of the day and ate a small amount. He tried to do some of his homework and half way through fell asleep(Caitlain could you let Mrs Baines know this may be a slow process) I just want to say thank you to Pat for playing a song for Marcus at Mass today...Marcus was so hppy about that. He was also happy that you mentioned the blood donor clinic on Tuesday Sept30 at St Malachys' School from 4pm-8pm. I hope alot of people show up as there is a shortage of blood and these children depend on it for their lives. I just want to thank everyone in advance for supporting the blood drive. Tonight I feel so tired...my eyes feel heavy so i will turn in for now. Thank you for dropping in and checking on us. Donna I had a great breakfast(thanks Gerry) and supper...thanks for taking care of me. Kenny thank you for taking such good care of my house so that we can come home to a clean envionment...you are the best. Tracey thank you for overseeing the blood donor clinic...I have the greatest neighbours. Aunt Jean...how can I ever thank you for always being here with us...we love you.Take care everyone and God Bless. LOTS OF LOVE TERESA AND MY HOT LITTLE MAN MARCUS

Thursday, September 25, 2003 8:57 PM CDT

DAY+41 Today has been the longest day in record for me. I just want to say how very much I appreciate all the prayers that you are aways saying for us. The prayers came from near and far and you have touched my heart with your love and support.
With this comes the greatest news ever. The doctors came to me at 530 today and said that the bone marrow is still fine and growing the good cells..THANK YOU SWEET JESUS. Also they did a test 3 weeks ago to test if the bone marrow transplant was working...and it showed that he has engraphed over 90% of Rays cells...again THANK YOU SWEET JESUS. He has heard our cries and prayers for Marcus and has answered our prayers. They will continue to test that the engraphment stays as there is always a chance to lose the graph...but our prayers will be our way. As for the fever...they sent away alot of samples from bone marrow and spinal fluid to test for any virus that may grow. So we await for that which will take untilnext week. I am breathing easier tonight. How can I thank you all for helping me get through these past days. We have come through another hurtle and still going strong. Please continue to pray that the other tests are fine and that we recover 100%.
Today Marcus is complaining of abdominal pain...if it continues he will get an x-ray tomorrow. He is resting alot today as he is still tired and has some back pain from the procedure yesterday. He has a big bruise where they put the needle in the back/spine. He is such a trooper...just wants me to rub his back gently...anything for you baby. I am so ired now so I am going to sign off. Rina/Joan/Donna I hope you can sleep tonight. Thank you for making us feel like family.To all my other friends near and far ...we love you. Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. May God Bless you and continue to watch over us all.
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MY AMAZING LITTLE MAN MARCUS

Wednesday, September 24, 2003 9:26 PM CDT

DAY+40 Spent a sleepless night last night. I just keep wishing that I would wake up from this nightmare. Alas this is not a dream but reality and I must face it will all my strenght.
Last night Marcus had to get a blood transfusion to prepare him for his procedures today. He could not eat nor drink after midnight and went to the OR at 1030 this morning. He had a bone marrow aspirate and a bone marrow biopsy and had lumber puncture...all sent to test for virus and the working of the bone marrow. Marcus was in so much pain post procedure...forgot to put EMLA patch on before the procedure which usually helps post procedure with pain. Needless to say my baby had so much pain. He does not complain so I know he was struggleing. They gave him pain medication and he finally settled to sleep. The doctors came to see me at 630 and did not have any results at that time so we wait until tomorrow. Another sleepless night and pills...oh well at least I have a good book. They remove a suture in his neck that was there fo 8 weeks...it was red and I think that is a site for infection. Tonoght we are resting and making bead ornaments...he is such an expert at making things out of beads. He is rying to make something for all the kids on the floor. He is of to a good start. That is all for now. Thanks everyone for your continued prayers for us. We feel them and it gives us strength. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MY BRAVE BOY MARCUS

Tuesday, September 23, 2003 4:31 PM CDT

Day+39 Last night I slept in my own bed and my sister stayed with Marcus...much needed break. Marcus continues to have a fever and gets tylenol for it. Today he had alot more energy than yesterday and wanted to go for walks...mys sister was the one who got tired. Tomorrow Marcus will have a BMA to check if there is a cause for the fever. I pray with every breath in me that the transplant has worked and they donot see the return of leukemia cells. I am still at home and getting ready to go back to the hospital. I do not know what tomorrow hold for us but I ask that you say some extra special prayers for Marcus that this night mare is over. I want to thank each and everyone of you that have always given us support in any way. I have made some amazing friends throughout this and I am so grateful for that. Marcus' friend Charlotte is doing great and got some great news...DONOR CELLS ARE GROWING...way to go baby. That is all for today. Thanks for dropping in and visiting us. Take care and God Bless
LOTS OF LOVE
TERESA AND MY WONDERFUL BRAVE STRONG BABY MARCUS

Sunday, September 21, 2003 8:32 PM CDT

Day+37 Marcus continues to have a fever. He is getting tylenol regularly but not much difference. He remains on antibiotics for the fever which they want to wean off to see if there is any change. We will do a BONE MARROW ASPIRATE this week...please pray so very hard that the leukemia has not returned and the transplant did not take.I feel like Iam a ticking time bomb and will erupt anytime. Marcus is a trooper about all this and there lies were I get my strength. Will I am on that subject I just want to thank all my co-worker for a great night out...it was so good to see you all. I also want to thank St Malachys' students and staff and St Josephs' parish for THE SONGS OF MARK. It was so wonderful and touching.
So that is were we are today. I am feeling a little lost tonight and not sure what to say. I just ask for you to say some extra special prayers for Marcus. He has been through so much and I just pray that we are on the road to recovery. Please also remember the blood donor clinic on Sept 30/03 at 4pm-8pm at St Malachys' school on 80 Bennett Road(east of Morningside off Lawrence Ave) Hope to see you there.
I thank you so much for dropping in and checking on us and for your continued support. Cathy the scapebook is great and e will sit down together and look at it..Love you lots for that. Take care and God Bless
Teresa and my wonderful little boy Marcus

Friday, September 19, 2003 11:48 PM CDT

Day+35 and just to let you know that Marcus had a fantastic birthday yesterday. The kids from the floor came with their parents and Charlotte came in especially to help celebrate...thank you so much. Marcus had special deliveries from some very special people. Thank you so much Julia/Warren and Bas/Joan. Marcus was like on cloud nine to get these delivered..he was like "mom how did they get this to me." Explained the whole delivery system. He felt so special. Now the room is full of gifts and cards...kind of cozy. He as so tired after that he slept for an hour. He did eat well and drink great. I am so happy that things went so well.
Aunt Jean stayed with Marcus last night as I went out to dinner with the people that I work with. It was so great to aee everyone,approx 50 people,and so emotional. They are so great and supportive and I tried to tell them that but hte words got stuck in my throat. I think they got the message but I felt so bad that I broke down. Usually I can talk in front of people but I guess it was just alittle to emotional for me to see everyone. It was the best to see them and hang out...I did have a glass of wine and it helped me relax. Today I did things around the house. Carly thanks for dropping over and spending time with me..it's always a pleasure.Tonight Marcus continues o have a fever. The doctors have sent more bloodwork to check on all virus known/unknown. They plan to do a bone marrow aspirate next week to check if the marrow is involved. Please say some extra special prayers for us as this is going to be a very hard week. I pray to God that the Bone Marrow Transplant has worked and they do not find anything in the marrow next week.Marcus is sleeping now and I remain awake just worrying. The Lord has taken me this far and he will get me through. Thanks to EVERYONE for sending Marcus special wishes for his birthday...he was so happy and excited. Kenny thanks for taking such good care of my house. That is one thing I do not have to worry about as I know you are there.
Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless. LOTS OF LOVE TERESA AND MARCUS

Wednesday, September 17, 2003 10:35 PM CDT

Day+33 The fever continues but Marcus refuses to let it keep him down...he is such a trooper. He ate well today...Aunt Jean made homemade meal. Marcus was so excited...he said"real food and a real fork" He has put in his order for tomorrows dinner. This time 8 years ago I was having back pain...thinking that is all it was. In reality Marcus was getting ready o come into this world. That was and is the best time in my life...regardless of the pain. When I held him in my arms for the first time my world changed...my life was complete. Marcus is so excited about his birthday tomorrow. Carly and family thank you so much for the emails and pictures...Marcus was so happy to see everyone. It was such a surprise and I can't thank you enough. I will sign of now as I am feeling tired. Thank you for dropping in to check on us. Take care and God Bless Teresa and the birthday boy Marcus

Tuesday, September 16, 2003 9:47 PM CDT

Day+32 We continue to fight fever of unknown origin. I spoke with the doctor today and they feel that it is some virus that they have not been abl to detect yet. They have ruled out bacterial and fungal as those results are fine. The focus is on virus...if nothing is found they will do a Bone marrow test to see if the 'disease' is returning ut they feel this is not the case as there ae no signs to suggest...such as blasts in the blood work. The other focus is that most patients post transplant get a fever and they never find a source...so that may be what happens here. I am a little freaked out but I have to stay positive. Marcus is so well looking and the bllod work is good. It is just the lingering fever. PLEASE EVERYONE IF YOU COULD SAY SOME EXTRA PRAYER FOR MARCUS NOW THAT THIS IS NOTHING AND THINGS WILL BE FINE SOON...AND I THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS AND SUPPORT TO US. Tonight he is in a good mood and resting good. Did I mention that I had my hair cut...what a nice treat. I think I would love to go to the spa and have a full day just being pampered...
We are doing fine and thank you to my dear friends for letting me vent. Thank you for checking in on us.Take care and God Bless LOTS OF LOVE TERESA AND MY BEAUTIFUL LITTLE MAN MARCUS

Monday, September 15, 2003 10:41 PM CDT

Day+31 Marcus had a good day playing with his friend CJ. They went to STARLIGHT and played with all the great stuff up there..this is a play room for children with cancer/BMT. The kids really like this place as there is so much there. He ate alittle today. The doctors made rounds and their plan is to discharge next week as his fever has been borderline this weekend. We will come in every second day for IV AMPHOTERECIN. I am ok with this if it means we can go home. So with this said Marcus decided to have a rip roaring fever at 5pm...cultures taken and stated back on antibiotics again. I just do not get this fever coming and going like this. They have not found a source for the fever yet. It may not e anything such as an infection...it may be transplant related. Needless to say I am a little beside myself tonight. My poor baby is going through so much and he is having so much medication put in his little body. He does not complain and takes his pills when they come. He is so brave and I am so very proud of him. He is sleeping now...one of the side effects of the medication. I will close for now. WE ARE DOING OK but please say some extra prayers for us. I appreciate all the messages and support that you give us. Joan/Donna you are so great and made me feel special...thank you for that. Thanks everyone for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless LOTS OF LOVE TERESA AND MY BRAVE BOY MARCUS

Sunday, September 14, 2003 8:47 PM CDT

Day+30 Marcus had a good day today. He was unhooked again today for a few hours...he and CJ ran around the unit like butterflies. It was so nice to see. They watched a movie...the hallway was set up and they had drinks and chips...just like going to the movies. He was in a good mood all day. He is now sleeping as he so tired himself out. The fever is borderline and the blood pressure is good today. The galliun scan done on Friday was normal...where is that fever coming from? I asked the weekend doctor that question but as she put it " I AM THE WEEKEND BABYSITTER AND I DO NOT KNOW" sort of made me feel very insecure.....Anyways here I am tonight feeling alittle lonely and depressed..but I can handle it. I am so touched by all the messages I received lately. Thank you all for being so supportive to us and help lessen the burden. If you are able to attend the blood donor clinic that is all Marcus wishes for as a birthday present. Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless
Teresa and my rave little man Marcus

Saturday, September 13, 2003 10:01 PM CDT

Day+29 I spent the day at home doing paper work and visiting with my wonderful neighbours. Donna,Carly,Caitlain and Gerry thank you again so much for feeding me and taking care of me. The birthday invitation are a big hit on the floor. Just to let everyone know ...we did invitations with THE HULK as the theme. Put the usual info on the invitation and included in the bottom a WARNING: I AM ON STERIODS SO DON'T MAKE ME ANGRY,YOU WON'T LIKE ME WHEN I AM ANGRY...BUT PLEASE STILL COME TO MY PARTY. Marcus thought it was so funny. He delivered the invitations to all the kids on the floor. He was unhooked from IV for a few hours today and did some visiting again. He did not eat much today...but did go to the bathroom (yahoo). Tonight he is rading his book for school. His blood pressure is up so he had to get extra medication for that. His temp is slight up tonight so he had tylenol. He is sleeping now. Anyways thanks for dropping in and visiting us. Take care and God Bless
Teresa and my wonderful little man Marcus

Friday, September 12, 2003 10:10 PM CDT

Day+28 We had an early start to our day. At 0745 we were downstairs having a gallium scan done. It required Marcus to lay flat without moving for 20minutes while a machine rotated around his body. He had to do this twice(20mins each) so that they had a good visual of the abdomin. Marcus was so good...I do not think I could do it for that long. I have not heard about the results yet. He was disconnected from his IV for a few hours today so of he went to visit. He had to drink something else today to help with the bowels...CITROMEG...NOT TO TASTEY. He did have some results but not much to write about. Marcus' friend Charlotte was discharged today. Her mom took a picture which I will put on Marcus' webpage. Charlotte is the sweetest little girl and her parents are so great. They are here from Moncton. Please add her to our prayers for complete recovery. Tonight I am at home for the night and my sister is with Marcus. Marcus has a birthday coming up on Sept 18 so I am planning a little party for the kids on the floor. It cannot be to big as it is an isolation floor...cake,drinks,balloons and fun. Otherwise a good day for us...I like these days. Please remember the blood donor clinic tomorrow at the Morning side Mall. Thanks for checking in on us. Take care and God Bless
Teresa and my little trooper Marcus

Thursday, September 11, 2003 7:38 PM CDT

Day+27 Fever is borderline for a few days...was injected with radioactive dye yesterday and will have a galliun scan tomorrow. It is a body scan that can detect if there are any HOTSPOTS which would indicate infection. Marcus has a distented abdomin for which x-rays have been done. At first they thought he may have a twist in the bowel...for which I did not get excited about as I donot believe that. Surgeon came to see Marcus and did a rectal exam for which he did not appreciate...threw up. I had to give him a fleet enema and now he has to drink PEGLITE which should help stimulate his bowels to move. In other words he is FOS(please decipher). He is a trooper through all of this. He told me that if I ever needed a fleet enema he would give it to me and would be just as gentle as I was...bought tears to my eyes. Today they stopped all antibiotics except Amphotericin. They will wean off TPN. So all we have to do is eat and poop and we are out of here...as long as the fever stays intact. Marcus' birthday is Sept18 and we were hoping to be home by then...but donot think so. I am planning to have a little party on the floor with all his friends that he has made...nothing big as we are on an isolation floor. Anyway today has been a fairly good day with good counts. I thank you so much for dropping in and visiting us. Carly and Caitlain thank you so much for the great messages and pictures...Marcus really enjoys them. Hope to see you all soon. Caitlain I am eating...just not all that healthy stuff. I need to go on a diet when this is all over. I hope everyone is well. Take care and God Bless Teresa and my poop filled baby Marcus

Tuesday, September 9, 2003 8:18 PM CDT

Day +25 Today Marcus had x-rays of the abdomin done as his belly is very distented. They said they see something and will have surgery come to see him...something about twisted bowel..I am not going to get excited about this as it may be nothing. He also had a CT of the head,,,still waiting for results. Tomorrow he will have dye injected into his line and on Friday he will have full body scan to see if they can find any source for the fever. The doctor came tonight and did a rectal..this is something Marcus annot tolerate...so he threw up. When he was 4 years old he had some bowel problems. I took him to my Emerg and they did a rectal. After all was over Marcus looked at me and said "mommy I can't believe you let a stranger stick his finger up my bum" When you look at it from his point of view that is what I sis. I tried to explain it at that time in a 4 year olds language...but he was still mad at me and thus the reason for him hating that procedure. I hope everyone is well. I am saying some extra prayers tonight for everyone because we deserve it. Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. Take Care and God Bless
Teresa and my beautiful little man Marcus

Monday, September 8, 2003 5:56 PM CDT

Day+24.We have had an exciting day.First thing this morning woke to have an ECHO done in our room...all normal. So the doctor will keep doing tests to determine the source of fever. Today THE HOSPITAL FOR SICK CHILDREN had a special visitor...HILARY DUFF(LIZZYMCQUIRRE) She made a special trip to see our BMT kids as they were not allowed of the floor. She really made the kids smile...AARON CARTER was also with her. Marcus was so happy to see them. He had his picture taken...as did the other kids by hospital relations and we will e able to get those pictures. He was so tired after all that so he has been sleeping for awhile. Again thank you to everyone for always checking in on us...we are so blessed to have you in our lives. Take care and God Bless
Teresa and my little man Marcus

Sunday, September 7, 2003 4:13 PM CDT

Day+23...and this is what you call a sleepy day for us. Marcus is tired todayso he has nap often. I also took a power nap. Today Marcus is still fighting a temperature and high blood pressure. He will have lots of test tomorrow to try and find the source of the fever. As for the blood pressure it could be the steriods/increased IV fluids that is needed to flush out his system. His counts are good and the rash in under control...thank you God. He ate some white rice today which s great. He continues to be mushy today...I love this side of him. It's suppertime so I will wake him and see if he will eat. Thanks so much for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless
Teresa and my loveable baby Marcus

Saturday, September 6, 2003 9:18 PM CDT

Day+22. I had a good night sleeping in my own bed last night. Marcus said he did not sleep,but not because I was not here but because Aunt Jean was snoring to loud I had a nice walk up call this morning from my neighbours inviting me to breakfast (thank Donna,Carly,Caitlain and Gerry for cooking) Also thank you Linda and Kenny for babysitting my house...you can rent it out for the right price for another 2 weeks haha. I have the greatest neighbours in the world. I do not know how Marcus and I will ever repay you for being there for us during this difficult time.Please know how very much we appreciate all you say and do for us.
Marcus had another temp spike today...cultures done. His blood pressure was elevated again and medicated for it. Tonight he is tired but very mushy...wants to hug and kiss lots which I can handle. I will close for now. hanks for dropping in and visiting us. Take care and GodBless Teresa and my little man Marcus

Saturday, September 6, 2003 8:44 PM CDT

Day+22 It was great to sleep in my own bed last night. I got a very nice phone call in the morning from my neighbours...inviting me over for breakfast. It was so great(thanks Donna,Carly,Caitlain and Gerry for cooking)It was so good to see all of you . Kenny and Linda thanks for babysitting my house...you can rent it out for a few weeks for the right price..haha. Just want to say I have the greatest neghbours in the whole world...each and every one of you have helped Marcus and I during this difficult time and lessened the burden. I do not know how I will ever repay you.Please know that we are so very grateful for all you say and do for us. Marcus has had a spike of his fever again today...so cultures done again. His blood pressure went up again and he got medication for that. This is like a rollercoaster ride. Tonight he is tired but in a very mushy mood...wants hugs and kisses and I am so happy to give. His counts are still good. Anyways,we are fine tonight and will turn in soon. Thanks for checking on us. Take care and God Bless. Oh Marcus said that he could not sleep last night..not because I was not here but because Aunt Jean(my sister)was snoring to loud haha Good Night Teresa and my little man Marcus

Friday, September 5, 2003 10:42 PM CDT

Day+21. The fever has broken today...and I hope it stays that way. Marcus is doing well today,just a little tired. His counts are good. The rash remains but is much more tolerable. The doctors still plan to do an ECHO to test his heart and also a CT of the head as he is complaining of headaches. I am not sure when this will happen. I am spending the night at MY OWN HOME and my sister is with Marcus overnight...although he did not want me to leave. It feels good to be home but lonely. It is late when I got home so my neighbours are sleeping...tomorrow I will see them and I can't wait. There is a story I want to tell you about Marcus. Marcus is a very big fan of WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT(WWE)
and has been for many years. We have gone to see them when they are in Toronto. Anyways the other night he was watching wrestling on tv and became sick and starting vomiting...so much that he would hold his breath. As he was vomiting he would turn his head just enough to see the tv and still watch wrestling. This I call a true fan...and we laugh at that now. He continues to have abdominal pain with nausea...but no vomiting for a few days. He is not eating but drinking some. He is having difficulty walking so physio is in to help with conditioning him to strenghten his muscles again. I do believe that is all for now. I hope everyone is well. Thank you for all the great messages and for always checking on us. Take care and God Bless Teresa and my moody son Marcus

Thursday, September 4, 2003 8:30 PM CDT

Day+20 Well the fever has not broken completely yet. The dostors were in today and the test that were done were normal. They want to do a test on his heart to see if there is any fluid or infection there...so tomorrow he will get an ECHO. Today he had a bath in a bathtub...first in a month. It was a very difficult time for Marcus and he was so scared that his lines would get wet or pull out. It feels so good to be in stepdown. I am concerned about the fever..I hope some relief comes soon. He ate a few spoonfuls of mashed potatoes and applesauce today...and held it down. It is progress that moves us forward. The doctors want him to get some exercise...he has difficulty walking due to the rash/steriods/cyclosporin. He says that whn he stands up his legs are so painful...like the skin is pulling. Aunt Jean was allowed to visit today...a new face other than mine. The steriods have kicked in and he is MOODY AND SHORT TEMPERED...so I need to take a pill to cope. Anyways as long as the end result is complete recovery I will handle just about anything. Please pray for one of our families whose baby(1 year old ) became an angel yesterday. We had a birthday party on Saturday for him and he was doing so well. Sometimes when you are feeling good something happens to bring you back down to reality. I just want to take this time to thank all of you for visiting us and leaving Marcus such wonderful messages. I am so deeply touched by all you prayers for us. I do believe that my faith,family and friends have helped us deal with our every day journey. Thank you from the bottom of ours. Please remember to donate blood. There will be a clinic on Sept. 13/03 at THE MORNINGSIDE MALL. Take care and God Bless Teresa and my brave man Marcus

Wednesday, September 3, 2003 8:53 PM CDT

Day+19. This morning Marcus' temp was down but it went back up again during the day. He is feeling good otherwise. He had an ultrasound of the abdomin tiday...I am wathing for results of all the test done. He had Amphotericin last night and he handled it really well. In a few days it should kick in and the fever should go away. We are now in stepdown and it is much better. Otherwise a very good day...thank God. Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. Take care and God Bless Teresa and Marcus

Tuesday, September 2, 2003 8:48 PM CDT

Day+18 We had a little better night last night. I mean he did not thow u but his fever would not break and has not today either.Marcus had a CT of chest/sinus/abdomin...and i await the results. He will start Amphotericin tonight and hopefully there will be some releif for him. God he has been through so much this past week.He is so sad that he was not going back to school to be with his friends. He so misses the NORMAL way of living. I pray every day that this will happen soon. Tomorrow we move to step-down...more room for us to move around. Anyway, I am tired and will sign off for now. Thanks fo dropping in on us and your constant prayers. Take care and God Bless
Teresa and Marcus

Monday, September 1, 2003 10:12 AM CDT

Day+17...What can I say. Another sleepless night with a fever that will not break. He will get a CT of chest/sinus today and start back on Amphotericin...if it works bring it on. Marcus continues to get antibiotics,benedryl and hydrozine(sp) for itch,tylenol for fever,methyprednisone for GVHD,blood pressure medication as that is starting to increase with the steriods,and the other usual post transplant meds. Marcus freaks out whenever I try to leave to get sleep...so I stay. His dad is with him now for a few hours so off to bed I go. His WBC=10.1 today (I hope this is a good sign so early post transplant). Thanks so much for checking in on us and being so great. Take care and God Bless...A very sleepy mom to a very brave boy Marcus

Sunday, August 31, 2003 1:46 PM CDT

DAY+16 and another sleepless night. Marcus continues to be bothered by the rash as it is so very itchy. He has a headache(mainly around the nasal area which makes me think sinus)He continues to have a temperature,blood in urine,high blood pressure,vomiting and small amount of loose stool,bloodshot eyes and moody. Aside from that we are just great. I am sleep deprived so I hope this update is making sense. I am getting a shower and back to hospital..Marcus has given me one hour and then he starts paging. So off I go to make myself beautiful so that I can go and sit in his room...oh the life. I know things will get better and I am praying that it is soon. Hope all is good. Thanks for checking on us. Take care and God Bless
Teresa and my moody little man Marcus

Saturday, August 30, 2003 3:57 PM CDT

Day+15. This will be short as I am in a hurry to get a shower and go back to the hospital. Marcus had anothr sleepless night last night. He was itchy for the rash,fever,vomiting and now a headache...I think it is a sinus infection. His WBC=12.1 which I think is high and recovered to quickly..but the doctors say not to worry it is normal as he had a STEM CELL TRANSPLANT and his father was the donor. It is my job to worry so that is what I do well. He continues to feel terrible so they treat him for the symptoms...nausea,itching,abdominal pain etc. I will close for now and go get ready. Thanks for dropping in to check on us. Please say some extra prayers that he does not have to endure this for to long and we start feeling better real soon. To my friends and neighbours thank you for always being so supportive and caring. I hope to see you soon. Take care and God Bless Teresa and my baby Marcus

Friday, August 29, 2003 10:59 AM CDT

Day+14 (2 weeks gone )The past 2 days have been a rollercoaster ride for us. The day we got to go for a walk was also the day day he developed a fever. He had to be cultured again and started back on antibiotics. The fever would not break so I kept him in isolation. So today we are dealing with 1)fever 2)nausea and vomiting 3)abdominal pain 4)diarrehea 5)worst GvHD rash 6)bloodshot eyes with broken blood vessel in right eye from vomiting 7)not eating and very little drinking therefore he is dry and bloodwork slightly off...increased IV fluid to help. He remains on lots of antibiotics and started flaygl for possible infection within stool. I stayed with him last night as he was so sick. The fever finally broke at 3:00 am and he was dripping in sweat. This morning it was all back. They have started him on steriods to help fight the GvHD...alittle is good but Marcus has had enough already and is pleading for a break. He said to me last night "mommy why is this only happening to me". All I could do was hold him and support him. He does not understand that the other kids are going through the same. Now he is resting post benedryl and I will try to rest. Please continue to pray for us and that my baby starts to have better days ahead. Thanks for checking up on us. Take care and God Bless. Teresa and my so very brave little man Marcus.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003 10:40 PM CDT

Day+12 and doing ok. We have not posted for a few days as we were not near a computer and we have been so busy. Marcus has been taken off the morphine infusion as he was having halluncinations...but his mouth does feel better. All antibiotics were stopped. When the nurses told Marcus that he would not get Amphotericin anymore he was upset...he really liked the rigors( means he was going to get demerol to stop them now he willnot...do you think maybe he was liking that demerol just alittle to much)His count have started to recover thanks to G-CSF(NEUPROGEN). He has developed some GvHD (mouthsores, rash, diarrehea and vomiting). The doctors are very pleased. Today we were downgraded to stepdown...no more isolation. I took him for a walk and it was so great. He does have abdominal discomfort and dry cough...had chest and abdominal x-ray today which were fine. He started on inhaler to help with the cough. At 5pm he developed a fever...cultures done and started back on antibiotics. He is not eating but is drinking a small amount...great when it stays down. His platelets are takin g the longest to stabilize...transfusion every second day. I am pleading now for you all to donate blood as we have a shortage. Today there was no platelets in the hospital...this is very scarey. I want to try and plan a blood drive when we get home...if anyone knows how to do this I would love some help. Anyways my little man remains to be a trooper and I am so very proud of him. I thank you for dropping in to check on us. Take care and God Bless. Teresa and Marcus

Monday, August 25, 2003 9:05 AM CDT

Day+10 and we have WBC=2.5 POLYS=1.52...WITH THE HELP OF
G-CSF. He continues to have mouthsores and remains on morphine infusion. His potassium was 2.8, which is low so they put him on the heart monitor (when potassium is low there is a chance of cardiac problems...but we are not going there!!!) So we encourage food with potassium...bananas for example. The only problem is that he is not eating yet. He is on TPN so they will increase the Potassium in that for now. His eyes are red around and alittle on the inside. He finally had a BM today after 7 days of not going to the bathroom. This has been an ongoing problems with Marcus. When he finally goes he gets a bead to add to his bravery beads...they call it POOH BEAR BEAD. He gets a kick out of that. His spirits are good. I am feeling alot better...think it was allergies and the airconditioning that made me feel that way. I am getting ready to have breakfast and than off to the hospital. Thanks so much for checking in on us. God Bless and stay safe Teresa and My Little Man Marcus

Saturday, August 23, 2003 9:49 PM CDT

Day+8 and still a little trooper. Marcus is not eating nor drinking today. The mouthsore are the same...getting morphine infusion which is helping. They may increase the morphine to try and get him to drink. He did good last night with the Amphotericin as they gave demerol pre and post infusion. He mostly slept through the night. They found a trace of blood in his urine with small blood specks in the urine. This is due to the chemo(cyclophospomide). We have to encourage him to drink so that we can flush his system or increase the IV fluid intake. He is not having alot of discomfort when urinating but has alittle sting. otherwise a very uneventful day. I hope all is well. Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. LOTS OF LOVE TERESA AND MARCUS

Friday, August 22, 2003 9:37 PM CDT

Day +7 (one week post transplant). Let's see if I can get this straight. He has mouthsores so he is on morphine infusion,he is not eating nor drinking so he is on TPN (food by IV),his potassium is all mixed up so he is getting that by IV, He is getting antibiotics for temp (although we cannot find the source for temp),he is getting Amphotericin for possible fungal infection (gets rigors-shivers-at around 2:00am. Other than that my little man is a trooper. He is handling all of this so well. He is even doing well with staying alone at night. He is encourageing me to go home and get some rest so that I donot get sick(I am feeling a mild throat irritation but nothing bad so I am chewing up the Vit C...it may be the air conditioner). Did I mention that my little man is a trooper. Anyways, thanks for dropping in and checking on us and leaving a message. God Bless and stay safe. Teresa and Marcus

Thursday, August 21, 2003 10:37 PM CDT

Day T+6 and doing pretty good. Marcus had a reaction to the AMPHOTERRIBLE last night at 0145 in the morning. He had the RIGORS which they gave demoral and it helped. Tonight they will give that before they give the medicaion. He is such a trooper...told me he did just fine. He had the CT of the chest and sinus x-rays and they were fine. The temp remains around 37.6-38. It is normal to have a temp post BMT but they want to be sure there is no infection. Marcus was started on a morphine infusion today as the mouth sore are getting worst. His appetite has decreased alot as has his fluid intake due to pain in swallowing. The doctors say they are pleased otherwise with his progress. He is making keychains from beads for our family. He made a cigarette for my mother...to encourage her to quit smoking....his idea. His body aches in places and when I rub cream on him he is sore. He had another platelet infusion today as his was 13. I am home tonight and will sleep in my own bed...how cool is that. I hope all is well with everyone. Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. God Bless Teresa and my baby Marcus

Wednesday, August 20, 2003 10:00 PM CDT

DayT+5 and doing pretty good. Marcus continues to have temp going up and down for 5 days now. They have done blood cultures and abdominal x-ray and ultrasound...no obvious findings. Tomorrow we will do a CT of the chest and sinus x-ray (checking for possible fungal infection) he was started on Amphotercin(sp)...( amphoterrible).He will get the first dose tonight at 11:00pm...and I am not there to watch him. I know the nurses will watch him should a reaction develop but I wish I could be there also. They give this medication at night as the kids tend to handle it better at night. So it is 11:00pm now and I am sitting by the phone just in case...Marcus is starting to have more mouth sores and feeling pain when swallowing. He has started on neuprogen(G-CSF) today also. Other than this he is in good spirits and looks great. I told the doctor that I only packed enough energy for an uneventful BMT...no surprises please. His platelets are 26 today so tomorrow he will get a transfusion. His hemoglobin is 96 and WBC are less than .1...so the waiting game continues. I hope everyone is doing good and having a good summer. Thanks for dropping in and checking on us. You are the best. Take care and God Bless. Teresa and Marcus

Monday, August 18, 2003 10:49 PM CDT

Here we are t+3 and doing fine. Marcus continues to have abdominal pain/tenderness. He had an x-ray tonight so we are waiting for the results. His appetite is good and his spirits are good. He is having mouth discomfort...aching in the jaw area. He remains on antibiotics for the increased temp...which has been good today. His blood pressure is not to bad...he remains on scheduled doses of blood pressures medication. So we continue with the waiting game and pray that all remains good. He did not want me to leave tonight...but I am so tired and he realized that. We talk about when his counts recover and I can stay with him again and just cuddle. I can't wait for that. I miss being able to hold him in my arms as they donot want to much contact like that...we do sneak a big hug and kiss (if any nurses are reading this...ignore it..haha). Just want to thank each and everyone of you for all you kind words and support to us. Thank you for visiting us and leaving nice supportive messages. I don't know what I did to deserve all of you but I thank God for you. Please say an extra pray for the children in hospital tonight and their families. I also encourage you to donate blood...due to the blackout the donor clinics were closed which puts a strain on our blood supply. Blessings to all.
Take care and stay safe...LOTS OF LOVE...TERESA AND MARCUS

Saturday, August 16, 2003 10:09 PM CDT

Here we are day+1 transplant. Marcus had a good night being on his own. He called me at 7:00am to make sure I was up and getting ready to come to the hospital. When I got there he was complaining of abdominal pain. I gave him a bath and all that stuff which he handled well. The doctor came to see him and was pleased so far. Around 12:00 he continued to compain about abdominal pain with lower back pain and left side chest pain. The doctor came to see him again and started him on codeine (may be due to radiation/chemo) It did help for awhile. He spiked a temp at around 3:00. They took blood cultures from his lines and from his arm. They did not give tylenol at that time. The abdominal/back pain continues through the night. His temp is now 37.5 without tynenol so I hope it stays down. I am concerned about the pain. It is so sad to see him try to move and having so much back pain. He is standing up like an old man. His appetite is still ok. Other than this it has been a pretty good day. I am at my mother in laws for the night as she lives very close to the hospital. I feel tired but having difficulty to go to sleep. I do hope he has a good night and no problems. I hope all is good with everyone. Thank you for checking in on us and your supportive messages. You all give me strength and I am so lucky to have you as my friends. Take care and God Bless. Teresa and my beautiful baby Marcus

Friday, August 15, 2003 10:22 PM CDT

Well it is finally here and it was a pretty amazing experience.We had a BLACKOUT in Toronto and some New york. It was a really terrible experience at the hospital. We had the bear essence. Instead of cool air we got heat coming out of the vents. All the kids that had already been transplants had to be moved together with fans so they would not develop fevers...hence seizures etc. It was a terrible night. I did not sleep and Marcus was in a terrible mood. He finally fell asleep after midnight. In the morning we did things to prepare for transplant. We did go ahead with the transplant. marcus had issues with igh blood pressure which they gave meds to help. He also had his hert beat elevated and alittle irregular. Otherwise it was fine and he slept through it. I am at my mother in laws house now as I am not able to sleep over with Marcus. He wassleeping when I left so lets hope things will be fine. I am so tired now so I will go to bed. I hope all is well. Thanks for visiting and God Bless. Teresa and my beautiful baby Marcus(7)

Wednesday, August 13, 2003 6:58 PM CDT

Tonight I will stay home and get some rest. Things have been going fine with Marcus. He has finished his high dose chemo and started on radiation. The first appointment was emotional for us but now he just breezes through. He is such a strong and brave boy...he gives me so much strength. He told the nurses that he is strong and brave but his mom is the one always crying (trying to make a joke of this). His nurses from the old floor have come to visit which he loves so much. It makes him feel so special...which he is. He wrote them a letter and I had to hand deliver it so that it reaaly got there. The nurses on the new floor have been great. Anyways, two days to go before transplant. Please continue to pray for Marcus and all the children. God Bless and stay safe Teresa and Marcus

Sunday, August 10, 2003 8:56 PM CDT

Marcus continues to do fine with the chemo. He is starting to become MOODY ...angry one minute and crying the next. I do believe that the dex. has kicked in. Tonight I am home with my mom and sister...my other sister is staying with him tonight. He has phoned a few times crying that I have to come back because he needs me and he wants me to sleep beside him. This bought me to tears. I am still struggling with if I should return to the hospital tonight. My sister said he will be fine and I need time to regenerate. He is thinking about when he gets the Bone Marrow Transplant that I will not be able to stay overnight...and that is scareing him...and me. Anyways, I can only hope and pray that God will guide us and keep us safe and strong. Thank you for visiting us and please continue to do so. Take care and God Bless. Teresa and Marcus

Friday, August 8, 2003 9:25 PM CDT

We had an uneventful day. Had a renal scan to check kidneyfunction...prolonged MTX clearance...all was fine so we went ahead with chemo. I accidently tripped on Marcus hickman and pulled it hard. We almost lost it but thank God it was fine. Marcus was so upset with me...said I did it on purpose. He later settled down and was so sorry and he still loves me. We are resting tonight and remain in good spirits. Hope all is well with everyone. Thanks for visiting. God bless Teresa and Marcus

Thursday, August 7, 2003 9:57 PM CDT

Well here we are the first day of our journey for our BONE MARROW TRANSPLANT. It's a new floor with new nurses so that is a little more to have to get use to. So far they have been great. Marcus had his dressing changed and lines flushed...than we were allowed to go visiting for awhile. Marcus wanted to go to his old floor and visit friends...so that is what we did for awhile. Now we are back on our floor and Marcus had blood drawn and was hooked up to IV...now he is not allowed to leave the floor. He is sad already. We found a computer with games so he enjoyed that for awhile. Already this floor has had a CODE BLUE since this evening...Marcus wanted to know what that all meant...tried to explain it was a practice. Tonight we sit in this little room no bigger than 4x4(HAHA) and try to have a nice night. So far so good. I have met some really nice parents and they have given me lots of encouragement. I will try to update as much as possible. Please continue to remember us in your prayers and visit often. God Bless Teresa and Marcus

Wednesday, August 6, 2003 10:27 PM CDT

The past few days have been busy getting ready for inpatient for BMT and trying to spend time with family and friends. Marcus remains in good spirits even though he struggles with the fact that I cannot stay over night. Last night we had a nice family get together and went to church. The family do not get together much and it was nice. My mom and sister came to visit from Newfoundland...it was such a nice surprise for Marcus and me. They are staying with us which is so good to have company at night. Tonight I am so full with emotions as we get ready for our hospital stay tomorrow. I pray that the good Lord will watch over us and protect us. Please remember us as we begin this new journey to wellness and pray for complete success. Thank you for visiting us. God Bless and stay safe. Teresa and Marcus

Sunday, August 3, 2003 6:22 PM CDT

Today Marcus continues to have some discomfort in his Hickman area and is feeling nauseated. I gave him gravol as he requested...helped alittle. The nurse came to flush his lines. She is so nice. She worked at Sick Kids Hospital in ICU for 15 yrs. That was so reassuring. I think she will be a big help to us. Marcus has been feeling alittle OFF this afternoon. He has a temp=37.6 so I will be monitoring that. I hope this new Hickman is not infected. Anyway he is being quite and does not want to play or talk much. I will let him rest and keep an eye on him. Is this going to be another sleepless night? Thanks for visiting...take care and God Bless. Teresa and Marcus

Saturday, August 2, 2003 10:55 PM CDT

Marcus is feeling alot of discomfort today in his hickman site. He asked for codeine so I gave him some. I think it helps but I do not want him to rely on it. He had his dressing changed today which was a treat. Marcus hates to have anyone touch him. His appetite is not the best but I try to encourage him to eat little bits at a time. He is emotional tonight...needs reassurance and affection. I think he is thinking alot about his BMT and that I cannot stay with him overnight. I have tried to reassure him that I would not be far...maybe even staying in the hospital if i can. This will be hard to handle but we have to be strong. I have chosen not to say anything about his friend becoming an angel until we are over the BMT. I need him to stay positive and not worry...which he does...about anything but getting better. Thanks to everyone for your prayers and advice. Hope the weekend is good and all is safe. God Bless Teresa

Friday, August 1, 2003 8:45 PM CDT

The past two days have been horrible. We went to clinic yesterday...knowing Marcus' counts would be down. I insisted on having all blood work done. His hgb=64 plts=44 pt/inr was elevated. He needed to have RBC/PLATELETS /FFP and it was going on 1:00pm. Prior to this we had our radiation consult...and Marcus threw up two times before all this. He never throws up but feels nauseated alot. He feels better now. Anyway, his Port was accessed and the RBC were given. Platelets began after Benadryl was given as he reacts to Platelets. Within 15mins Marcus started to have a severe reaction. His throat started to close over,hives and body completely red. Scared the wits out of me. Nurses and doctors came and did their thing with medication. It took awhile but he started to feel better.Then the good news...WE WOULD HAVE TO BE ADMITTED FOR OBSERVATION. So we were admitted to a different floor but they were really nice. As the night went on they continued to transfuse with a different bag of platelets and FFP. They gave him steriods throughout the night He did fine...slept with the aid of benadryl....but not me ...my eyes were on him all night.
Today Marcus had his Hickman line inserted with Port a cath removed, had BMA and Lumber puncture. He did really well. The best news being that we are still in remission...THERE IS A GOD UP THERE. We are home tonight and will return to have dressing changed tomorrow with lines flushed. I just didnot want to stay overnight. He is having some discomfort so I gave him codeine. He has some red blotches on his face...not sure what that is. I am going to try and sleep now.
Yesterday Marcus' friend became an angel. I have not told Marcus yet. Iam not sure how he will handle this so close to BMT. These brave children fight so hard and I am so very proud of each of them and their families. Please say a prayer for Tristen and his family. Now I am so very tired. I will join Marcus in my bed and hold him close. Until next time stay strong and many prayers to all of you...Teresa

Wednesday, July 30, 2003 8:40 PM CDT

Today Marcus' dad had to go to the hospital and give the samples for the BMT. It was done like through a dialysis machine. He did fine but feeling tired...perhaps for a few days. Tomorrow Marcus and I go to clinic for counts...he is very pale and tird so looks like a long day for transfusions. We also have a consult for radiation. Reality is starting to set in and I am not sure if I like it. Today I had a few panick attacks...thank God for Ativan. So now we rest and spend quite time together. I always love this time with him. That is it for today. Thanks for staying in touch with us and please remember us in your prayers. God Bless...Teresa

Monday, July 28, 2003 3:51 PM CDT

Marcus had clinic appt today. His wbc and polys are fine but hgb=65 and plts=51. He is getting daily shots G-CSF so they want him to regenerate his own cells before transfusing. We return to clinic on Thursday...expect to be a long day as he will proabl need transfusion before Fridays procedures. On Friday he will get a Hickman,BMA and lumber puncture so they want all levels to be up. Let's hope he can do this on his own...after all he is a very strong and determined young boy...takes after me. lol. He is feeling tired but wants to play outside for awhile. Ok for now. Tke care and talk soon

Sunday, July 27, 2003 7:56 PM CDT

This page has just been created. Please check back for additional updates.
Marcus and I have been on this journey since April 4,2003. It has been a rough
road but we remain strong. Marcus is preparing for a BMT 0n Aug 14, 2003
as he did not respond to chemo initially. Marcus' father is a 5/6 match for which
we are so grateful. As we prepare for this unfamiliar journey we are so blessed to
have become a member of this wonderful and caring family. You have all been so
amazing to us and have given us strength and courage when things were bad. Thank you for being a part of our lives and share in this jouney with us by our side. We will try to keep this page up to date as best as possible. Thanks again and God Bless all of you.
Teresa

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