History

Sunday, February 3, 2008 8:10 AM CST

Nearly 2 1/2 years. It has been nearly 2 1/2 years snice Eric died. It is odd just how much I break my life into small chunks of time - 1/2 year, 1 year, 2 years, 2 1/2 years - since Eric died. I live my life in small bits now.

I have another time period of meaning that I'm approaching: 5 years. In May, it will be 5 years since Eric was dx. I can't beleive that 5 years have nearly passed and I can't beleive how much life has changed since.

Well, I managed to complete my 2nd degree. I now have - or will have after the graduation ceremony in May - a BS in Genetics, Cell Biology and Development. I feel good about it - managed it with a 3.875 gpa (good, but not 4.0 as I hoped) - yet somehow I feel a bit like a failure for not going on for the PhD. However, I just can't swing another 7 years of school - I don't have time or money any more.

So, after taking a month off, I have updated/renovated my resume and I've been looking at various web pages and doing company research. I'm ready to look for a job. That doesn't mean I'm ready to actually work tho =). There are several local companies that look promising: R&D Systems, Diasorin, Pace, Medtronic, Surmodic, 3M. It looks like I won't have too many troubles finding some sort of a job. I do admit to being somewhat picky - I want a job that pays DAMN well and has good benefits. If I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do it well and I deserve the benefits!

Katy is KICKIN' ASS in high school! I'm so very proud of her. She's getting mostly A's so far and is really very good at taking responsibility for her homework. This weekend she's going to register for next fall's classes and she's signing up for Honors classes! There was a time not long ago that she'd have sneered at that because it would have meant more work!

Mike's job keeps him busy - he had a big trip to Asia last Dec, but it looks like he's got a little break for a while. Mike continues his puppy traning with his "puppy", Samantha (a 65 lb, 9-month old Yellow lab). She's a monster and has a certain gourmet taste in anything that belongs to Katy (Katy's backpack was the lastest epicurian delight for Sam). I think it is because Katy isn't all that fond of Sam and Sam knows it. But, Sam is good for Mike. Just like my kittens really helped me this past year - a pet provides a young, innocent to love and cuddle and play with - it fills some of the holes in your soul left behind when you child dies.

We all just got back from Disney World in Florida. My mom and brother joined Mike, Katy and I for a week of fun, frivolity, Mickey and exhaustion. This year we didn't put any rocks around - I didn't want to carry them - but we did remember the rocks we placed there two years ago. There were a few sad, emotional days for me - one was riding the Finding Nemo ride - it was really cool and I think Eric would have liked it, but he never had a chance to see it. Either that or Eric would have turned his nose up at it because he'd be a 7th grader now, and that is what 7th grade boys do.

You know, there is a very odd dichotemy that happens in my mind when I think of Eric. On one hand, I will always remember him as an elementary age kid - same physical looks, same tastes - so for Christmas this year, I purchased a set of "Pokemon" cards for Eric. Because he loved them. However, I also know that if Eric was still here, he'd be in 7th grade and he's probably HATE Pokemon by now. He'd have a whole new set of interests that I have no idea even exist now. Once again, this weekend, I was at my friend, Erin's, house. Her boy, Jake, was getting ready for the middle school dance with 3 other boys Eric was in clas with. They are all so tall and filling out that I would never have recognized them. And they all have girlfriends and new loves and new sports and new clothes and new styles. So, how can I remember Eric the way he was, when he'd be someone completely different. Even if he was alive, he'd not be what I remember him to be. He is becoming a stranger. Life goes on, and I'm not a part of it. What an odd thing.

Thank goodness I still have Katy to bring me to my senses. I often romanticise the growing up process of Eric, but Katy reminds me, thru her own teenagery behaviors, that raising a kid is not all fun and games - there are power stuggles, hormonal phases, angst, anger, sadess, homework stress, etc etc. I love Katy dearly and in a way I'm glad she and I clash at times - makes me see the real side of it all. Eric was a difficult child and I have a feeling he'd have been a difficult preteen too. I smile as I say this.

Well, life does go on. I am nervous abou the whole new job thing, but realize it is just another phase of my life to look forward to. I'll meet new people and have a good time. I'm starting to get in shape again(yet again) - how many times have I said this? Well, this time, I joined Gold's Gym and I hired a personal trainer for 8 weeks. I'm feeling stronger and it is something that is helping me to keep the winter blues away. You just can't be seasonally depressed when you are panting and sweating and laughing at the gym. I look silly, I think, lifing weights next to the big guys with no necks who work as bouncers at the local clubs, but it gives me something to do on a weekend besides watch TV.

Well, that's about it.. snapshot of life. Once again, if you want to read more about my life and my goofyness, visit me at www.myspace.com/khayxie I blog on that one - it isn't always "g" rated, but there are lots of pics posted from our Disney trip. You need a myspace account and request to be my "friend" to see em tho.

Well, take care!
Kasey

Wednesday, September 19, 2007 8:52 PM CDT

I didn't log on here to say Happy Birthday to Eric and I didn't log on for Eric's Deathday either. I felt too emotional and private to do this.

However, one week later, I can reflect upon the events of last week and those of two years ago... and those of 12 years ago.

I spent the week in a pretty reflective mood. The weekend prior to the 10th, Mike, Katy and I watched "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy - however we didn't do it all in one day this year. Saturday, we watched the 1st one, Sunday the 2nd one, Monday - part of the 3rd and finally, on Friday, the 14th, we wrapped it up. I wanted to watch them all in a row - ideally on the 10th, but with school and life, it wasn't feasible. Once again, the movies touched me. The journey of Frodo outlined the journey of Eric. How taxing it was for him and in the end, he saved the Shire, but not for himself. He sailed away to the Grey Havens. Makes me sad, but this year, I focused more on the journey of Sam and the other companions - as they are very much the journeys of Mike, Katy and I. Here we are, two years later - we are still companions, but in a different sort of way. We have moved on with life as well, but still live with the vivid memories and gap in our lives that was Eric.

In addition to the movie, we honored several other traditions - we ate all sorts of food that Eric loved - pancakes, corn dogs, ice cream, rasperries and milk. I skipped the cheese and catsup this year, however (ick).

I also purchased some Pokemon cards and Katy and I even watched Pokemon one afternoon. We laughed at how corny it is.

Mike and I visited Eric's grave together and I cried (of course). I still cry whenver I visit.

Life, however, does go on. There are quite a few changes in our lives. I think I've mentioned my new kitties - Panda and Rogue. They are black and white and are now about 6 months old and quite energetic! Mike has a new puppy, Samantha (Sam for short) - a yellow lab who is a total ball of energy and teeth (she is teething and forgets that your arm isn't a chew toy). Mike and I continue to be friends, however our divorce is proceeding along. We finally filed and I just received notice of who our judge is. We are waiting for a court date now. It has been six months since I moved out and I think I'm over the worst of the emotional trauma. Of course, antidepressants do help with that. As I said, Mike and I continue to remain friends. Labor Day weekend, we spent with Mike's Mom (Jean) and two of Katy's cousins, Brit and Joe. We had a really good time - riding the boat, shopping, Renaissance Festival. It was over way too fast.

School is continuing for me. This semester I am taking Developmental Biology (right now we are studying fertilization and embryo development), Immunology (the study of the immune system), Biochemistry (I have to memorize the amino acids - ick), and Biochemistry Lab (on Thurday nights... awful time for a lab). This is actually my last semester to get my undergraduate degree in Genetics and Cell Biology. I think after this I'm not continuing on to graduate school at this time. I'm not exactly sure what I will do, but frankly, 10 more years of school is just a bit daunting right now (5 years of PhD and a couple of post-doctorates). A little break is required. With Katy going into high school and thinking about cars, I'm thinking a salary would be nice right now. However, I'm NOT counting it out forever. Just need to refill the coffers a bit. I guess if anything I've learned about going back to school is that is really is never too late.

So, I continue with life. One thing I have done is created a myspace page. Often times I blog on that, but don't always want to post it here. It somehow feels inappropriate at times - I'm not always thinking about Eric and this is really Eric's site. So, for anyone who wants to see this, I can be found at:

www.myspace.com/khayxie

I do intend to continue to post here, but don't seem to get to it very frequently.

Well, time for more homework...

Take care,
Kasey

(Eric - I love you very much and miss you every day)

Wednesday, June 27, 2007 10:35 PM CDT

BLACKBERRIES

There are times when life is really overwhelming and I feel like I'm sinking under all of the negativeness. My ex-to-be's Grandmother, Wanda, died the day before yesterday. She was up there in age (in her 90's), so it wasn't unexpected, but still, it is sad regardless.

I am having a crisis of faith in myself - I am doubtful, yet again, of my own abilities. I wonder if I have the capabilities, smarts, motivation to continue to get my PhD. I wonder if I'm good enough to be accepted. I wonder if I am working hard enough in the lab.

I worry about whether people like me. I worry about what my future-in-laws are saying about me right now, as they all gather for the funeral and I'm not there. I worry they disrespect me.

I haven't completed as many things around the house as I'd have hoped. I thought my yard would be absolutely pristine by now - not a weed in sight - and I'd have flowers and hedges and fountains. Instead, the driveway still hasn't been paved, the weeds are taking over and I have only a few flowers struggling in the heat and lack of rain.

I worry about the health and well-being of my daughter - am I raising her properly?

I worry that I don't go visit Eric's grave enough. How often are you supposed to? What if he's waiting there for me and I'm not coming? Is he sad? Does he miss me?

Then, among all of this - I read Miles' blog. He is dying. But he sees all the positiveness of life and I realize that I am wasting the gift that has been given me - the ability to live. And that gift is precious and may be taken away at any moment.

Sooo...

After this whole day of worry and doubt, this evening I walked outside in the gorgeous evening twilight, watching the sun drop below the trees.... and I found a wild blackberry bush in my yard! This corner that I had cringed at when I looked in that direction is suddenly bursting with these red and deep purple jewels! When I ate one, it was sweet and just a bit tart - it kind of burst open onto my tongue when I bit into it - the seeds are tiny and hard but part of the whole blackberry experience. Kind of like life! So I took a deep breath and now things are pretty good for me. All of those worries were swallowed down with the wild blackberries.

-k

Sunday, June 17, 2007 0:28 AM CDT

Oh gads... I used to be so good at this. At being able to write about my life and make it sound like it was actually interesting. Actually, I take it back, I was writing about my son's death, not my life at all.

Sadly, our good friend, Don, has relapsed. Don was the cubmaster of Eric's cub scout troop. Ironically, it was Eric's cancer that made Don finally stop smoking. I guess it wasn't soon enough. Esophageal Cancer - he did the chemo and he did the extended chemo and now he has relapsed. I sure hope they find more options for him. He stood by us and helped us out soooooo many times while we were otherwise occupied with the battle for Eric's life. Now, I just wish there was some way I could help him.

I'm back at school again for the summer. This week I have successfully managed to stain slides using Immunohistochemistry. Yeah! I can actually manage to get some lab work accomplished. I feel, sometimes, like this school thing is a complete uphill battle and I often wonder if I just shouldn't hang it up and go back to being an engineer for a large corporation and put in my 9-5 and get my pension after my 50 years... But then, what is the fun in that?? So, I need a new car.. eh.. my old minivan has, um, character! I hear A/C is overrated anyways.

So, the divorce is slowly proceeding. Gads these things take forever. We got the paperwork back from the lawyer last week and we made some modifications so I'm sure it'll take another week to get it fixed and THEN maybe the divorce papers will be officially filed. Of course, I continue to hang out with Mike quite a bit. We ended up going boating yesterday. We took out our '85 boat to White Bear Lake and drove it around. I guess since we are both still going to own it, it makes sense that we still take it out together. God knows I can't take it out by myself!! I'm glad Mike and I are still friends. I worry that the friendship is going to make the divorce more awkward, but, who knows. You know, there ain't no rulebook for these things...

I can tell I'm slowly healing. Last year, when we took the boat out once or twice, I was so sad. The only thing I could do was remember how we used to take the boat out with Eric, but he couldn't actually get in the water because of his central line - no lake water, yah know, or infection will set in. Who wants lake water mainlined to your bloodstream anyway? Well, yesterday, I actually enjoyed driving the boat. I didn't feel nauseous and dizzy and squashed with grief. I actually figured that out about an hour after being out on the lake... that I wasn't wishing I was dead too. Amazing. Healing actually does happen!

This is not to say that I don't still have my moments. I still occasionally get Post Traumatic flashbacks. It happened once this last week. I get a very intense memory of the final hours, minutes, seconds of Eric's life. It is so very vivid - the sound of his labored breath, the blue/dusky color of his lips, even the smell.. and I sob. I can be nearly anywhere when it happens. Luckily, this time was at home. It is a little awkward when it happens at the store or at work. I just try to shake it off and move on. Not that I am ashamed of the grief, but it does tend to make it awkward for others.

What else... still playing WOW on occasion. I'm not reallly reading anything terribly interesting. Saw "Mamma Mia" at the Orpheum this evening with Angie. It was a good time and I loved hearing the songs. Saw "Waitress" last week and was happy... Katy wants to see "knocked up", but I ain't taking her to see an "R" film in the theater... She'll just have to wait and sneak it when it comes out on DVD like the rest of the kids in America (I used to watch R films on HBO when mom wasn't home... hehe, we think we are soooo sneaky). I've been listening to P!nk lately. Especially "U+UR Hand" - it is so wonderfully pop-ish and a good kick-ass girl song! There are Sooo many times I feel like that! Like I'm on some sort of display for guys... so this song lets me address that. So, I've been singing it a lot at the top of my lungs while in my car. Thank god no one can hear me!!!

Other than than, life is, well, ongoing for me. I'm trying to not take it for granted. It is precious and I guess I know that at some point we'll all die. But, part of enjoying my life is allowing myself to take it for granted at least a little...

So, now I think I'll head to bed and dream about disco music and dancing queens!

Nite all,

Khay

Wednesday, May 2, 2007 10:50 PM CDT

No, not my mind...

I am physically ill. I hate being sick. Started as a raging headache on Thursday, which I originally attributed to stress, and now is a full-blown viral attack. Well, I think my immune system has mounted a response, which is part of the whole "I feel sick" thing...

Yes, I am a big baby. I have a snuffly nose, a cough, a headache, body aches and a fever. It is only like 99.5, but still... The only good thing to come out of it is that I am taking time off from the lab. You know, I really dread the lab. Maybe that is what is making me sick.

Why, do you ask? Why do you dread the lab? Well, this is what I want to do "when I grow up" - do cancer research. And I'm afraid I suck at it. I don't know if I really do suck at it, but I'm afraid I do. Good Lord, how I can be 38 years old, have been a damn good Chemical Engineer, lived thru my son's life, cancer and death, have gotten this far, and still be plagued with worry about my own abilities? Sadly, I am. What to do about it? Power through, I guess. Force my butt back in there and do what I need to do. I think...

Next week is finals. One on Tuesday, one on Friday and one on Saturday. I'm fairly proud of myself for beginning the "Study Process". I worked for about 2 hours today. Didn't get very far, but at least I started, eh?

So, I did get my sicky-ness checked out by a doctor yesterday and the dx was "a virus, like a cold" - I didn't rate a bacterial infection or even a flu. So, no meds for me. I just gotta suffer through the old "7 to 10 days" of feeling like crap.

I think I'll have a glass of orange juice, take a zinc tab, extra multivitamin, get some sleep and dream happy, non-sick thoughts.

Nite nite,

-k

Tuesday, April 24, 2007 6:23 PM CDT

(April 24) - Paul W. Smith talks to Miles Levin, an 18 year old Cranbrook student about his battle with a rare form of cancer and the huge number of people who have responded to his online blog. To send Miles a message go to Carepages.Com His writings can also be viewed at Creativegrowth.Com/Miles2.htm

http://www.wjr.net/Article.asp?id=395575&spid=6521

-khay

Thursday, April 19, 2007 6:27 PM CDT

Hey chickies...

Only two weeks left in the semester! Yippie! It is going relatively well, tho. I'm really liking Microbiology - prolly cause I'm KICKING A$$ in there! I got a 100% on the last exam. I'm guessing I get an A in that one.

Cancer Bio is very interesting but really HARD! I got a 94% on Exam #4, but only a 78% on Exam #3. And I haven't gotten Exam #5 back yet - but I KNOW I missed enough so that the highest I can get is a 90%.

Wow - I sure sound like a college student, eh? Dude... what'd ya get on the last test? What 'cha takin' next semster? Wanna hook up? (OK, I don't say that last one and no one has asked me that yet - but there was a big 2 page spread in the U newspaper on how ALL college kids hook up - that is a scary thought, eh?)

Life in my new bachelorette pad is groovy. I've got most stuff put away, hung up or stashed in the basement (thank goodness for basements). Unfortunately, the snow has all melted and I have now discovered that I don't have much in the way of grass. Grr... that makes my new lawn mower kinda pointless. But, yeah, I'm doing well here. I get moody and sad, but I'm not really lonely. I have tons of friends - I had Bunco over here last Thursday - and Katy is here a lot. Oh, and Mike is here a lot too. He offered to help me put dirt and grass seed down (to take care of that pesky YARD thing).

So, this summer I'm going to continue with the research thing. Well, I may ACTUALLY get to do research. So far, my research skillz are totally unleet. (that means that I suck at doing PCR, still) Anyway... I'm hoping that by only doing research, I can actually accomplish something. The "School" thing kinda gets in the way. I will still have some free time, tho, to hang with Katy this summer, which is good. I have lotsa plans to hang out at the pool. I have lots of friends who will be there as well. I love summer!

Well, this has been a rough semester, but I think I'm surviving. I sure do miss Eric, but the days get easier slowly over time. I had heard that the 2nd year often is rougher than the 1st year - but I think it is because we expect to be over it all... we expect to be done grieving, but we really aren't. Somehow we start to feel better, but we feel guilty for feeling better, which makes us feel worse. But, as I enter the 2nd half of the 2nd year, I may actually be feeling better. Well, sometimes at least.

Wish me luck on finals!
-k

Wednesday, March 14, 2007 3:39 PM CDT

Hi everyone! Not sure if anyone still reads this, but in case they do, I have decided to start a new series of entries. This series is called:

"Kasey Goes Back to School"
or
"My Life as a Noob - yet again"

In case you aren't aware, I did go back to school at the University of MN last fall. My undergrad degree will be BS in Genetics, Cell Biology and Development. Last semester went well - I took Zoology, Evolution, Genetics and Cell Biology and I got a 4.0 - easy peasy! It was all good! (Well, except for that splitting up with my husband part.. that wasn't really good)

This semester, tho, kinda sucks. I don't know if it is the stress of moving, or the fact that my classes are harder or the fact that I'm doing more laboratory work, but I am really having a rough time of it these last few weeks.

Right now it is spring break for me, but I'm not taking the week off - I'm doing lab work. I won't say research yet because I am struggling with the basics of lab techniques - more on that later, tho.

So, here's the lowdown on my classes:
1. Microbiology: An interesting class with 3 credits of lecture and 2 credits of laboratory. The lab is pretty fun, but I am WAY behind on updating my lab notebook - and it will be collected and graded SOMETIME this month. But the lab is pretty fun. We are looking at some cool, nasty buggies under the microscopes - Staphylococcus, Enterococcus, E. coli, Bacillus, Pseudomonas, fungi, etc. We are learning how to plate or test these microgoranisms to identify them. Once we took random samples from around the building and cultured them. One of the guys found some really nasty STD in the guys' bathroom - ick! So, in this class, I'm doing pretty well.

2. Cancer Biology: This is a great class but VERY hard. We are learning about all of the key genes and proteins that are oncogenes or tumor suppressor genes and what goes wrong to make the cells turn cancerous. We just had an exam on the Rb and p53 genes... hope I did ok. The cool thing about this class is that I hang with several women who are seniors and all are getting ready to enter medical school! Bright, smart women! Yeah!

3. Food Science: This is supposed to be my easy blowoff class that I am taking for the liberal arts/diversity requirements. It is actually pretty tough. Well, tough because the exams are complete memorization... I hate those types of exams. I feel weird in this class because everyone in it is a Nutrition/Dietician major and all are in wicked good shape. I, however, usually bring my McDonalds in and eat my cheeseburgers as I listen to the prof. I feel slightly guilty, but not enough to stop eating McDonalds

4. Directed Research: This is supposed to be research with a grad student. So far it has been "Katy proving that she sucks at being a lab tech". I have spent the last 6 weeks NOT mastering how to do PCR. PCR is polymerase chain reaction - it is taking a small sample of mouse DNA (well - 28 small samples from 28 mice), and testing to see if a specific gene is present or not. I seem to be really good at getting the samples contaminated. I don't know how... I just do it. It is really easy to do apparantly. I've been thru remdial PCR training twice already and this week I get to do it again since I contaminated my samples YET AGAIN over the last two days. BAH! I HATE PCR!

About 3 weeks ago, I kinda had a really rough patch. I was struggling with my PCR, I was having a hard time understanding my Cancer Bio class. I had issues with financial aid and graduation. It was a BAD DAY... and I was reduced to tears by the end of it. I was feeling so awful and overwhelmed with life that I just wanted to quit. Well, I was walking thru the hallways, past the Fairview University Children's Hospital and for the first time, I saw a little girl who was battling cancer. She was probably about 7 or 8. She and her mom were standing at the soda machine - she looked so cute in her pink outfit and her bald head. At that point, I really needed that. It made me realize that there are rough patches and I might want to quit, but I am doing this for the kids. I really want to help those kids. So, I keep thinking of her and Eric whenever I have a rough day (and it sure seems like there are a lot of 'em these days).

So, as I said, this week is spring break, but I'm spending it in the lab learning remedial PCR. Fun fun.

I'll give you more insight into life as a student over the next few weeks/months. At this point, it looks like I am due to graduate in Spring '08. Then hopefully, I'll do grad school. I sure hope they don't test on PCR as a requirement to get in...

So, Mike and I bought a new house 3 weeks ago and I moved in last week. I say Mike and I bought it because we are both on the loan and all the paperwork. I moved in a week ago and am feeling very overwhelmed with that. I miss my old home. I miss my old life. At least right now, I have Katy, the cats, the dog and the fish here in the new place. Mike is in Asia for the next two weeks.

The new house is a cute thing in Willernie. It was built in 1928, but was completely remodelled and has a new garage, new bathrooms, appliances, laundry room, etc. It has the original hardwood floors and a lot of charm! I do like it, but there is a lot of work needed to be done yet... unpacking, putting up towel racks, pictures, all of the things to make it feel homey. Thank God I've got Cable, tho. =)

I think one of the really hard things has been to not live in the place where Eric lived and died. I have brought some of his stuffed animals with me, but I can't bring myself to take things out of his old room yet. I do miss him so much, though. There are times when I still wake up and forget he died 1 1/2 years ago. There are times when I wake up and find it hard to believe he ever got cancer... how it that possible that MY child can get cancer? Let alone die from it. One of the great mysteries....

Well... as I settle into my new life, I'll keep ya posted. The College Experience has lots of adventures ahead for me.

Laterz,
K

Monday, February 5, 2007 9:37 PM CST

Well - I think it is time - I have been putting this off.

Mike and I are getting a divorce.

For many, this is not a surprise.. but for some it will be. We have had issues for many years and during Eric's illness we pulled together and made a great team. However, many of the underlying issues are still there. Now that Eric's death has some distance, I have come to realize that although we make great partners, we kinda make lousy spouses for each other.

So, we are splitting. I realize that this is more of my decision than Mike's, but I do think it is for the best. We are friends now and and we are working through the details and finances in a respectful manner... I think that if we were to continue on as a married couple, however, eventually we would not be very good friends and we would be yet another angry couple.

I will continue to go to school for my undergrad degree at U of MN and then I'll see where life takes me. I'll be moving out of the house at 302 Windsor and Mike will stay here and buy me out so that I can purchase a house of my own. Leaving this house is very hard for me, but at least with Mike keeping it, I know that it is in safe hands. It is a very special place for me since this is where Eric lived and died. I plan to purchase a home in Mahtomedi so that I can always be close to Katy (and Eric).

Katy seems to be dealing with the news quite well - in fact she seeme less than surprised when we told her about our impending divorce. I guess she's seen the writing on the wall longer than we have. Mike and I will share custody of Katy and she seems happy with that arrangement. She's already bugging us for a new kitten tho.

So, with everything we've been through, I feel that our lives, tho initially difficult, will eventually be enriched with the addition of new spouses (yes, I have hope we'll both end up happily ever after) and/or children. I wish the absolute best for Mike and hope he feels the same for me eventually.

Please be patient with us as we move through yet another difficult period in our lives.

Thank you for the support of all of our friends, family, neighbors and co-workers.

-K

Monday, January 1, 2007 11:39 AM CST

Happy New Year, Eric... We love you and miss you!

-Mom

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