History

Monday, March 4, 2013 12:56 AM CST

It's been so long, Alex...yet it seems like you were just in my arms.

We said good-bye to Cody Christianson today, who was way too young to go to heaven~in our eyes. But, I know you were there cheering him on.

This brings up a lot of emotions for your mommy...but it will be okay. I know I will see you again. I just can't wait for that day.

Love you soooooo much!

Sunday, February 19, 2012 11:52 PM CST

I listened to a speaker the other day at a Conference I was at in Denver. I missed the beginning of his presentation, but what I did hear, was interesting. He wanted to give answers to why bad things happen/why do we suffer? His first answer was "I don't know why". But he then said one reason he believes God allows us to go through suffering, is to bring Him glory. I completely agree and agree that if we choose to let God help us through our pain and circumstances, we CAN survive.

What is your pain? What is your circumstance? God gives us the hope that we WILL survive....let's just hang onto that one for awhile....

Tuesday, March 15, 2011 10:28 AM CDT

On Thursday, February 24th, heaven gained a precious soul. James Halstensgard, 20, passed from this world to the next, peacefully in his sleep. James was one of our prayer warriors from the beginning~even at a young age. I imagine him in awe of our Father...and I pray Alex was right there to greet him.

Through James' death, some of my post traumatic stress came out. I realized my body was reacting the same way it did when Alex died. Maybe because he was young and I felt close to his family? Maybe because I had just visited with him and knew I wouldn't now until my time in heaven...when I will see Alex again, too? I don't know. But, as I prepared for his funeral (the first funeral I've been to since Alex died....at the same church as Alex's), I relived the feelings I had when Alex passed and how I felt doing the preparations that need to be done before a funeral. The mundane, but yet extremely special and important, details. You want to have the greatest "last hurrah" for him, but at the same time, nothing matters more than wanting to be with him again. That's when I was the most Homesick...and I was very homesick when James died, too. Yet, the days continue on whether I like it or not~and I guess I can just continue to look to the future when we will all be healed and together again.

The boys are good....Daniel is good....I'm okay. Life is life. This is the earthly world we live in, so some pain is expected. I wish I had the resiliency of a child. Through it all, God is still good.

Blessings,
Rochelle

Thursday, December 30, 2010 9:40 AM CST

Another year has gone by~almost 2011. CRAZY, isn't it? I'm watching the boys run around the living room, literally, in circles. And as all of you parents out there can relate, I can't believe how fast they are growing. Isaiah turned 10 on December 8th, and Dominic is 3 1/2~preschool next year. Life is how one lady once told me, "The days can go by so slow, but the years go by so fast." How true. We just keep pluggin' along~moving forward~celebrating Jesus' birth, yet anticipating His return when every knee shall bow and every tongue finally confess that He is Lord of all!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010 12:49 AM CDT

It's hard to believe that it was 6 years ago yesterday...that Alex came into the world. It's even harder to believe that it's been 5 1/2 since he left. The way time goes by is unreal to me.

I think that Alex would've been in Kindergarten this year. I wonder what he would be like? Big? Little? Outgoing? Shy? One night, a few weeks ago, when Isaiah & I were talking about Alex he said, "Do you think if Alex were here, he could take me down?!" I said, "you mean like in wrestling?" He said, "yeah". We both looked at each other and said...."probably", then burst out laughing. We talked about what a chunk he was and how we all think he'd have been the biggest of our boys. Cute that Isaiah thought of that.

Dominic was so excited that it was Alex's b-day yesterday. He told Isaiah about 5 times after school that we were going to get balloons to bring to Alex....in this extremely enthusiastic voice. Isaiah was like, "I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW!" I finally had to get after Isaiah for not letting Dominic just tell us and be happy. I reminded him of all the times he would repeat himself when he was that age and even older! Isaiah didn't believe me, but we all know it's true.

My heart has been heavy and part of my emotions about Alex's birthday have been overshadowed by sadness for another family in our area. Their son, who is 5 1/2 months old, was found unresponsive at daycare last Friday. The drs believe it was SIDS, but they were able to get a heartbeat back after 30 minutes of CPR. It's a waiting game to see if his brain will become more active again...and each milestone or action that Ryker makes, is a joy. They are still facing a long, long road, no matter what the outcome....but for now, they are cherishing their family time, as we did with Alex. It's that unexpected blow to your heart and soul that no one can fully understand...except you. It's the utterly helpless feeling you have when no one can tell you what will happen and what you could do to "fix" it. It's that complete dependence on God that happens when you're faced with tragedy and despair like these circumstances. Their situation brings back so much~yet I know it's so different, too. As I read and hear and write to them....I am reminded over and over again of the rollercoaster ride we were on. But in the end, it's God's decision...one we may not understand...one we have to learn to be thankful for, if it doesn't fit our agenda for life. I'm praying so hard that Ryker's outcome is positive and that Tim, Michelle, Jaylie and the rest of their families don't have to live out this nightmare the way we did. If anyone is reading this~please add them to your prayers. It would mean so much to me and to them. www.caringbridge.org/visit/rykerfrench

The days go by, soon the months and then the years. I never ever thought life would go on. But it has.

Sunday, August 8, 2010 11:16 PM CDT

Months go by so quickly. I can hardly believe it's August and summer is on it's way out. I love fall and I love winter, so this is okay for me...but maybe not for all of you!

Summer has been busy with the normal summer activities. Baseball took over for quite awhile, but it was fun to watch Isaiah get excited over his favorite sport. Dominic trailed along to the games even when he didn't want to, and liked to see Isaiah's friends. The boys have been playing and fighting and wrestling~as brothers will do....as I am ready to pull my hair out at times. Six and a half years difference in age makes it hard to 'fight' fairly....or even PLAY fairly!

The honey has started to come in and the company is busy with extracting and hauling loads to Iowa. Busy time of year from the end of July until the end of September. Finding free time gets challenging for Daniel, but we always live through it. Being thankful for any sort of honey crop we will recieve~

It's been a difficult time lately for me and my grief. Just one of those dips in the road~unexpectedly. I haven't been hiding it too well, as I have learned that doesn't do me any good. My heart is heavy, my tears are frequent, and my arms are longing to have Alex in them again. I think there are many reasons why he's on my mind so much lately, that I can't pinpoint just one major cause. I don't like the unpredictable times the grieving comes~I want to be prepared! That doesn't happen with grief and I know it. I just still want it!

But, we keep plugging along. One foot in front of the other. A few extra hours sleeping off some sadness. A couple of extra pages of journaling. More prayers. It won't feel this intense forever, as I have learned. I have to let it ebb and flow and take it as it comes. Even after 5 years. Wow.

Blessings to everyone~
Rochelle

Thursday, April 8, 2010 6:00 PM CDT

Have you ever thought 5 years would seem like a month ago? It doesnt seem like it was 5 years ago we lost our little boy. There isnt a day that goes by that there isnt at least one thought, about that little boy , who touched many people without having to say a word. As I brought Rochelle , Isaiah , and Dominic to the airport in houston, to head back home to minnesota after a easter visit, I just couldnt believe it has already been 5 years, and its been about that long since I wrote on here. I appreciate the times the people still mention his name, there is pain but also love for the people that helped us thru. Today when the family gets back to fertile they will do the tradition we do on his birth and death day witch is get single white roses from each one of us and lay at his grave and release ballons, one from each of us, hoping they will find their way to ALEX in heaven.
I am glad I had my family here in texas for the easter weekend but holidays are hard because you remember you are missing someone for the celebration, even finding easter eggs this year Isaiah had no problem gathering the most eggs, little Dominic was much of a challange and their cousins are in 8 grade and out of the hunting stage, but its hard not to think that Alex might have given Isaiah a run for his money. Thats just one way that holidays are tougher, too much thinkin. Well I better go , Again I would like to thank each one of you who still check on this site and spent the journey with us while Alex was with us, you will never know how much each one of you means to us, so thank you for your love and prayers. Dan

Tuesday, February 9, 2010 10:19 PM CST

Wow~I didn't realize it'd been so long since I've written. I guess that means I'm slowly healing and gravitating towards the "here and now" more and more. But, without have the Caringbook done yet, I will continue on writing as long as they let me!

Christmas came and went, along with Thanksgiving. January flew by as fast as ever and we are now in the 2nd week of February?? Soon it will be summer and another "year" will have gone by. I don't understand it!

The boys are doing good. Isaiah is still enjoying school. He was out a couple of weeks in Jan. because we went on a family vacation to Orlando. When we got back, he said he was so happy to go back to school. Wow...ok...

At the moment, Dominic is sick with croup, but I'm sure will hold his own. It's not fun when kids are sick, whether it's a cold or something worse. It's just not fair that they get them so easily! As I sat in the ER last night with him, I couldn't help but remember the last ER visit with Alex (Dominic had his Baby Alex t-shirt on last night)...and how that ended up. And with Dominic not breathing good and having a really high fever....my mind went to all of those places I don't want it to go to. But, all was well...tylenol and we went home. I cried as I drove away remembering just over a year ago...what that night was like. I often wonder if those triggers will ever stop? I'm glad I can at least handle them better now...even though they still aren't easy.

Daniel and I are the same....good...fine...whatever you want to call it. We keep on keeping on.....and even though we irritate each other to no end sometimes....I wouldn't trade him for the world. (Hope he reads this and can say the same for me....uffda)

Quick update~not sure when I'll get back on here, but am glad to see that a few of you are still there~praying us through this. Imagine that it's already been 5 years since Alex's diagnosis! I never thought I'd survive 5 years...I never thought I'd survive one day....and here I am. THANK YOU prayer warriors!!!

Blessings to you all~
Rochelle

Sunday, November 8, 2009 1:49 AM CST

Just a quick message tonight...

Alex's birthday went by quickly on October 11th. It was possibly the easiest birthday of Alex's that I've had. But that doesn't mean my feelings weren't an issue. They always are, however I was able to walk through them a bit quicker. We sent him up his birthday balloons and some kisses, and gave him his roses and other b-day balloons. This year Dominic was talking more, so as we drove out of the cemetary, he said, "Bye Alex....see you later!" It was music to my ears just that he acknowledged it with words. Not sure what he understands about Alex yet, but he'll get there.

The flu hit our home a week ago, but with just Isaiah getting it so far. Fever and cough for 6 days, and out of school all week. Wondering how many others are sick with this small "epidemic"? Hope it's not as much as I am thinking.

I wanted to get a message on here because it has been a long time since I've written. We haven't forgotten any of you~just busy as most people are. At the moment, I am sitting alone in a hotel room during a weekend away. Met some friends for a shopping day and went to see Mark Schultz and Point of Grace last night. Wishing someone was staying with me, but ok with the chance to have some quiet time alone. Trying to cram in as much as I can before heading home in the morning and back to reality. But, I thank Daniel for the break from life for a couple of nights....we ALL need that some times, don't we?

I hope to write a couple more times until I can get organized enough to order a book of our entries and messages. When it's close, I'll let you know and will leave you all with a more personal update~and would love to continue having access to our caringbridge friends. We'll get it figured out....

I'm hoping this finds you all healthy and safe~I still can't believe some of you have continued to read this....after almost 5 years of journaling. Thank you for the constant support. We couldn't do all of this without it.

Blessings,
Rochelle

Monday, August 24, 2009 9:02 AM CDT

I think we are in the midst of the terrible twos....either that, or we just have a crabby kid! Dominic is just throwing fits left and right....fighting with Isaiah most of the time. What is up with that??? I thought their age difference would help with that, but I forgot about the curiousity of a two-year-old, who wants to destroy everything his brother has put together! Oh, that's normal???? Okay.

Summer has and is flying by. My oldest brother was here for about a month, with his new wife and son. It was great to have them, but they are now in Arizona. That kept the boys occupied as they played with their new cousin. Isaiah was done with baseball in the middle of July and seemed to have a good year. He's just been busy four-wheeling and organizing his new room in this new house. He has made it clear that he is NOT waiting for school to start, although he did get the teacher he was hoping for. Hopefully after the first day, he will be fine, like last year.

Like I said before, Dominic is a maniac and is one tough cookie. Takes it from his 8 1/2 year old brother and keeps on ticking. Screams when he doesn't get his way, which is pretty normal, I guess~

Missing Alex, of course. I know that when preschool starts here, I will be affected...that would be his classmates. Now the time starts when I will know who he'd grow up with and attend school with. I imagine it being difficult watching them all grow and mature, wishing Alex was there, too. But as before, I take comfort that he is already saved by grace, in heaven, fully mature in his faith. I cannot ask for a better place for my son to be, if I truly wanted the absolute best for him. So, we hold on to Jesus to continue to carry us through.

A short entry to keep you updated on how we are doing. Our church (the ELCA) has made some drastic changes last week that Daniel and I aren't very supportive of. So, our faith is not up in the air, but where we may worship, is. We are feeling uprooted somehow and just want to find what God wants for us. So, we will wait.

I pray blessings on all of you out there....if there are any left ~ Soon I hope to have caringbridge create a Caring Book, which compiles all of the entries, journaling, and photos, into a book. After I get that, it may be time to close this caringbridge chapter. We'll see!

Have a good August day and we still thank you for all the support we continue to recieve. Boy, this marathon is harder than I could've imagined!

Love to you all,
Rochelle

Thursday, June 25, 2009 10:04 PM CDT

Time is flying by so fast this summer, I can hardly believe that JULY will begin next week! How can that be?

We sold our house in May and had one day to get everything out and moved before the new owners came in. Almost had a nervous breakdown, but luckily I made it through pulling an all-nighter, along with some very unselfish, giving friends who came to help at the last minute. Dan was still in TX, so it was a stressful time. However, we are now in our new house (newer house....), closer to town, and still on a lake. Loving it and am waiting for the day when everything is unpacked and put away! So far, we're just taking it all in and enjoying ourselves. None of us have said that we miss our other house, yet. Not sure it will ever happen, even though I was sure we would have some sort of regretful feelings. Just thankful to have a place to call home.....realizing once again that it's the people who make the home....not the house.

Dan has been back for 2 weeks now. That was probably a bigger adjustment for all of us...than the move! It's wonderful to have him here and the boys are all over him. Wanting dad for everything....and it's great to see their relationships with each other.

Isaiah isn't in too many activities this summer. Just baseball right now. My brother is up here in MN, to get married this weekend, so it's been fun and busy as we just met his fiance for the first time. The weeks they have been here have been packed with visits and meals and kids playing. I don't want them to leave.....they will be going back to Arizona to live.

We made it to the Relay for Life this year, and it was so surreal. Two wonderful ladies we have known over the years, weren't there this year. The cancer took over and they went home to their Jesus. I was saddened to see their families, and the others who have lost loved ones...but also encouraged by the survivors as they took the first lap together. We have made it to every Relay since Alex died, and it has been a good family event for us to do....as a way to remember and acknowledge Alex together. I wish I had known earlier, how many people are really affected by cancer. I would've been more aware and more passionate to figting for a cure.

So, the days go on. Some are still covered in pain and grief, but most of them are filled with the realization that we are continuing to live with the emptiness that won't go away....and that it is okay. I've learned so much about grief over the past 4 years and am sure that there is so much more for me to learn. But, I guess I've found the best way to "get it", is to just go through it. Not trying to go around it or over it....or just turning the other way....but just plunging into it and facing it. In my opinion, one of the hardest things to do in life, is to actually "look" and "deal" with the pain you might have. It's so much easier to ignore it or hide it or deaden it. But, that only lasts for so long. So, my trek has been leading me through the valley....wondering when they will stop coming down my path.

Basic entry, but wanting to share how life is going on. Ups and downs, but God is still good. Even through the tragedies of life.

Hoping all who are hurting, can be comforted....
Rochelle

Wednesday, April 8, 2009 9:28 PM CDT

I have been thinking for awhile about what I would do for Alex's entry today. Part of me wanted to live through the night again by our experience, part of me wanted to think about how Alex may have interpreted everything, and part of me just wanted it to be another day...another entry. Words just weren't coming to me and I was struggling with it. And then I remembered the words.....and how powerful they were when we played them in the church the night of his prayer service. How the shoulders shook of others who were listening and digesting all that was happening....how I laid my head on Daniel's shoulder, singing the words that were so true...while Isaiah slept on the pew next to us. I wanted everyone to hear those words because that was how we were feeling. And still are. Just plain Homesick....

As I write the words (once again), think of it as a story, more than a song. Think of how that person feels, who is so intouch with the truth of it.....and remember how much they mean to us. It basically sums up how I feel today. And most everyday. Just plain Homesick....

Dear Alex~ "You're in a better place", I've heard a thousand times. And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you. But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry, is how long must I wait to be with you?

I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow? I've never been more homesick than now.

Help me Lord, cause I don't understand your ways. The reason why, I wonder if I'll ever know. But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same, 'cause I'm still here....so far away from home.

I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow? I've never been more homesick than now.

In Christ, there are no goodbyes. And in Christ, there is no end. So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have to see you again....to see you again.

And I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow? Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow? Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow?

I've never been more homesick than now.

I miss you so much, Alex. More than any words could ever say. There's nothing more that I would want, than to see you again. But because of our friend, our strength, our Savior, I will get to see you when I'm finally home. Until then, I will do the best that I can to continue on. It's harder than ever, and you can see that, I'm sure. But, your brothers need a mommy and your daddy needs a wife, and I have to wait until our Father's will is done for my life. I am so Homesick, but God has given me the strength and will continue to give me the strength...to make it through somehow.

So, go and snuggle with Jesus for the night and give each other a big hug from us! I bet Jesus' lap is the best place ever and I bet that you get the best hugs and kisses~better than we could ever imagine. Tell our friends 'hello' and continue to show yourself in our lives, just for a little comfort. Your big brother could really use a hug from you today! Maybe while he's sleeping, you can sneak in and give him some lovin'. He'd like that.

I know you are in a better place.....so I will try to rejoice for you....even though I'm broken.

I miss you, sunshine....
Mommy

Saturday, March 28, 2009 11:01 PM CDT

The boys and I just got back from bringing Daniel to the hotel for the night. He flies out early tomorrow morning~back to Texas after 6 days here. It wasn't long enough of a visit, but then again, it never is. All 3 of us cried as we left the hotel and I wondered how time will ever keep going on until we will see him again. We don't know if we will get to fly down and see him around the end of April or not. Otherwise, it could be the end of May~beginning of June before he comes home. Things could change, but for now....that's the plan. So, the boys are finally sleeping, and I'm sad. Tried to use my time wisely while he was here to help parent but also be my husband.....but always second guess myself. I needed time alone with "dad" spending time with the boys, but also needed time alone with him, along with us as a whole family. Filling all of those wishes and desires in 6 days was hard. But, I think we did the best we could.

I think about Alex's Anniversary coming up on April 8th, and Daniel won't be with us. I know I will relive those last early morning hours as we said good-bye to our baby...because it's already starting. I've been thinking about that morning alot lately. Not sure why....maybe just preparing mentally and emotionally for the time period. It brings me to tears tonight as I remember knowing the exact moment he was gone. Oh, how I wanted him back just a short time later! The peace was gone and I wanted him back.....and no one could help me. No one could bring him back. But, he's still here in everything we do. When Isaiah plays a game on Playstation or whatever, he automatically uses "Alex" as his player's name. I don't even think he THINKS about it anymore. He just does it automatically. We show Dominic Alex's pictures and he is getting his name down slowly, but surely. And once the snow, mud, rain, whatever we are having here (!!!) goes away, we will continue to introduce him to Alex's gravesite. It's the only way we know right now, of how to keep his memory alive in our hearts. By far, the hardest question STILL, is when someone asks me "How many children do you have?" There are so many ways to answer that, but I still struggle. Sometimes I don't want to get into the story, but other times I can't imagine not sharing his life with everyone. One day that will get easier, I hope!

I had to bring Dominic to the hospital (Urgent Care) again this morning. The same hospital that Alex was at (and that I brought him to about a month or so ago?). I asked Daniel to take him, but he didn't. I told him that just the thought of it, makes me sick to my stomach. But, I went anyways. I distanced myself as we drove there, but once we got there and Dominic started crying non-stop, there was no holding back the emotions. I didn't cry, but just "remembered" this time. Luckily, one of the best nurses was there, Janet, who is from our town and who knows us well. She is always one to greet me with a hug, knowing what I must be feeling. She is a cancer survivor and our conversations usually turn towards Alex and others who are living with it. She is a comfort and a gem to have there. Along with the most patient doctor I have had there, we had a pretty good visit, if I can admit that. Nothing wrong....just a bad cold....but we were treated with kindness and gentleness, which is what MY heart needed to get through that! I wonder when it will not be so tough going to that clinic/hospital? Will it ever change? Or will the trauma just get me every time? It's a trigger for my Post Traumatic Stress, I just hope that one day.....that PTSD goes away. Wouldn't that be nice!

So, a loaded day and the beginning of another lonely road without Daniel here. A request for prayers for us and for all of those who are facing immediate concerns~whether they are ill or grieving or dealing with the flooding in our area. So many prayers needed....and I hope so many prayers said. A simple, but powerful gift anyone can give.

Hope all is well in the world with each of you.....

Blessings,
Rochelle

Sunday, March 1, 2009 11:11 PM CST

The weeks are going by fast. Spring will be here before we know it. I know some (most?) are longing for our Minnesota winters to end. I'm not, actually. The thought of just staying inside while the snow is falling, with our family together, warm and fed...is a comforting thought. Although usually it's being STUCK inside because the snow if falling, with our kids yelling and throwing fits, me freezing and Daniel sweating....and not knowing what to make for supper! Anyone else have that reality?

I'm surprised that these past two months haven't been consumed with remembering Alex's life in the hospital. The past 3 years have been like that. This is usually a tough time for me. I think that it's because so many of our friends and family have been sick or have had health problems, that our concentration is focused on them. One by one, they are getting better, and we only hope and pray that it stays on that path.

With that said, I wish my emotions were following another path. Even though my thoughts aren't constantly the Post Traumatic Stress symptoms like before, my emotions seem to take that route on their own. Dominic was sick the other night and I had to take him to the Urgent Care close by us. It was the same hospital that Alex was in when we found his tumors. Dominic was screaming for over an hour and nothing was calming him down. Finally, Isaiah and I took off with him to the hospital. The whole way there I was wondering how long it would take for them to find something seriously wrong....when we would be life-flighted out...what I would do with Isaiah....would I be able to go with Dominic....is there something wrong with his brain....is it swelling and causing pressure, like Alex's? All of this is going through my mind as I'm driving the 30 miles to the hospital, listening to Isaiah singing and trying to hold myself together.

Once we got there, the nurse tried right away to get an oxygen reading on him. He was fighting her because she needed his finger....but she won. His oxygen level was in the 80s. I know that is NOT good....and she knows it, of course. We just kept watching it and finally she went to get another machine, just to see. I was wondering what was wrong with him, that my sweetheart wasn't getting enough oxygen? Was he going to be ok? What was I going to find out from the drs? How bad is this? Thankfully, the machine was wrong and the other one showed a normal oxygen level. Whew. I was mentally exhausted by this time and we weren't even in the exam room yet!

The dr. came in, the whole while Dominic is screaming, Isaiah is telling me about his Star Wars book he was reading, and the dr. is asking questions. I'm trying to hold Dominic down so the dr can examine him and I almost screamed myself. Trying to be the patient mom to both of the boys....interested in Isaiah's book so that he wouldn't see my concern....yet comforting Dominic while he's been restrained. I couldn't think straight. And you know what was wrong? An ear infection. !!!!!! All of that, and it's an EAR INFECTION?!!! You've got to be kidding me! I've had one as an adult, and I was in so much pain. I can understand his pain. But all of that which went through my mind....over an ear infection? Needless to say, I was exhausted when we got home. Oh yeah...then we got home only to find a rash all over Dominic's stomach and back...5 minutes after giving him his medicine. I didn't know if he was allergic or what?! Another call up to the hospital. I would've lost it if they told me I had to come back up (it was 10:00 now). Luckily, I was able to talk to the dr (miracle in itself) and he just thought it was part of the infection. I wouldn't have been able to sleep without knowing. Would you?

So, finally he is on the mend. Done with his antibiotics and back to himself, for the most part. The only other funny thing regarding that, was that one night I fell asleep with my contacts in. So, I was in the kitchen and was going to put some rewetting drops in my eye. I grabbed the container and was trying to squeeze and drop in. I couldn't understand why it was so slow? A drop went in and it burned me instantly! I had accidentally put Dominic's ear numbing drops in my eye! I was washing out my eye with water....over an over again. It hurt so bad. I realized I could take out my contact and get another one. So, I threw that one away and it got much better. I suppose it maybe numbed my eye after a bit, huh? Oh man....that burned....

Now we are just going day by day with Daniel gone. It's been about 3 weeks since he left for Texas. I don't think we will be going down to visit him, but you never know. It's been very interesting here without him, but we are adjusting. I know the boys are missing him so much, and I am, too. He thinks it's just because he's not here to help with the boys (that is part of it), but mostly, I just miss my husband! He's my best friend...and he's so far away for so long. Thank goodness for telephones and cell phones and internet!

So we trudge along, praying for our family and friends who are losing loved ones, who are holding vigils by others, and who are recovering from surgeries. So much "yuck" in our small little world right now. But, as Easter approaches, I remember the Easter with Alex....the year that I REALLY realized what Easter meant. And so this year, I look forward to that day~to remember that because He lives, so does Alex. What a comfort for my aching heart.

I hope this finds each of you well and healthy. And if you are reading this, that means you are still checking in on our lives...so thank you. I love to talk about Alex...and this site helps me continue to keep his memory alive. Even if the updates aren't as frequent!

Blessings,
Rochelle

Thursday, January 15, 2009 9:47 PM CST

I just checked Weather.com and the temperature here is -24 and it says that it feels like -49 degrees. WHAT?! One guy told me yesterday that after it gets to -20 degrees, it just doesn't matter anymore. Anything lower feels about the same. I love winter, but have usually been able to escape the coldest times. This year, we are having an "old-fashioned" winter, I think....and I have to way of escape! Daniel said that we should talk to the people who are studying Global Warming and show them our thermometers. See what they say about that?!

Other than trying to stay warm, our days have been pretty calm compared to the crazy weeks before Christmas. That said, when the calm days come....the feelings are always exposed. There's nothing to cover them up anymore and you're left to deal with them again. I was thinking about how I have felt as Alex's diagnosis date comes around (January 16th) and until lately, I thought that it really wouldn't mean much to me. But, just as most other families dealing with cancer, the diagnosis date is usually a memorable one. And so with it being tomorrow, I'm just a bit hestitant. Not afraid to face it, just thinking about it and remembering. Maybe more memories will come tomorrow as I think back to 4 years ago, but maybe not. I'm secretly hoping for the latter, as these dates have to start getting easier ONE of these years!

We watched Alex's home videos as a family the other night. It was the first time Daniel and Isaiah (and of course, Dominic) watched it. Isaiah wanted our old camcorder to play with, and before I would let him, I wanted to watch the tape that was in there. Needless to say, he got pretty tired of watching his brother just lay there for minutes on end. You know how you think you'll just video a minute or two, but then it's like you keep on and on and on.....10 minutes of watching him breathing and wiggling, one day at a time. Isaiah said, "How much longer IS there?! Is it almost DONE?!" Part of me felt hurt thinking "yeah, Isaiah, it IS almost done...and then there's nothing more of Alex...no more videos, no more pictures, nothing", but my rational head told me that he is 8 years old and doesn't understand what we were feeling. He finally went to his room and told us to tell him when it was over. To be honest, watching him lay there so many times over and over again, wasn't the easiest (or funnest) to watch. By the end, and by the time his face and body were so puffy from fluid, I was actually thankful it was done. I was done watching him suffer and done seeing the uncomfortable body language he had.

There had been just a few moments of video before he was diagnosed, which were normal. But, just before going to the hospital, as I was taping him trying to smile....Dan and I both recognized that something was wrong with him. It was in his eyes....and the way he couldn't control them as well as he should've...and the way he moved...and the quiet grunts he'd make as he was trying to get comfortable. Of course, you feel a bit guilty when you see that wondering what else you could've done. But I have to remember that I brought him into the dr SO many times, that I did all I could do. For some reason, his cancer wasn't supposed to be found at that time. It's still hard to let yourself off the hook, though.

So, now we are through with another viewing of his short little life. It was easier to watch this time for me, but not so much for Daniel (as his first time). It saddened him, but also reminds us how blessed we are to have a gracious God Who has cured him from his cancer. We don't have to see those signs that we got so used to seeing. And when we would say on the tape that he was having a good day....it was hard to fathom. It sure didn't LOOK like he was having a good day, so I must've forgotten how bad those other days were. I think that's an okay thing to "forget".

Tomorrow marks 4 years from the day we flew to Minneapolis. Four years is a long time in my eyes, but it seems like yesterday. And I know that it will feel like yesterday for a long, long time still. As I talked to a friend tonight who's son was in a bad snowmobile accident, (but is okay and home from the hospital after less than a week!) I couldn't help but relive those motherly feelings of watching your son in pain, lying in the hospital bed with wires and tubes, and feeling helpless. My heart ached (and still does) for her. Children just shouldn't have to go through those things. But thankfully, her son is going to be okay after a short recovery and will be here for her to hug and talk to. An ending like that compared to the horrific accident he had, is a miracle in itself.

I hope that wherever you are as you read this, that it is warmer than northwestern Minnesota! If it is, pray for our survival in the frozen tundra!

Blessings,
Rochelle

Monday, December 22, 2008 10:36 PM CST

Isaiah was "Star of the Week" last week in school. They try to have it around their birthday, and his was December 8th. They can bring special things with them~pictures, toys, movie, etc. We talked about what pictures he wanted to bring and I told him I'd look for more on our computer to print off for him (he wanted some of us as a family). So, one night I was searching my computer for pictures. I just have them labeled in folders by dates...so I have no idea what's in the folder until I open it up.

So, I was going through folders and came to one in particular that caught my breath. It was a folder of pictures Daniel's sister had taken and had me put on my computer to keep. There were pictures of their family and their events, but there were also some of Alex when he was in the hospital. There were pictures I don't normally see, because they weren't taken by my camera and I don't have them printed. There were photos of Alex and Daniel's sister and husband, which were sad to look at. I remember those moments and I remember that Uncle Brad flew up from TX to say good-bye to Alex. I remembered all of the precious emails Uncle Brad would write just to Alex....and how many times he said he loved him and wished he could take it all away. Then the funny emails about how he was going to teach him how to burp, like he did with Isaiah (annoying, yes, but it was his thing....). When I saw this picture of the 3 of them, I realized how those emails didn't come true. How Uncle Brad can't teach Alex those things...and that just seems unfair to both of them.

After those pictures, there were some of Isaiah and his cousins at the Ronald McDonald House during Easter. They'd had an Easter egg hunt, decorated cookies, and were a part of a celebration I never got to see. These pictures reminded me how well the "Donald" took care of us...as a whole family and how comfortable Isaiah was there. There aren't words to express all that they do for families who are staying there.

And finally, there were pictures of Alex's funeral. Of the visitors, of us, of the flowers, and of Alex. The tears just flowed as I stared at all of them for a long time. Just remembering the love and support we felt at such a low point in our lives. Seeing the compassion in my friends' eyes as they listened to me tell a story and seeing my dad standing in the corner of the church, looking at all of the flowers....by himself. And of our perfect angel, covered with his baptismal blanket....that placed a cross directly over his tiny body.....reminding us that he is alive with Christ...and because of what Christ endured on that cross, my son can live eternally in paradise. There was comfort and sadness while seeing that picture.

I wasn't prepared to see those photos, but am so glad I came across them. At such a busy time in my year, I was taken aback just by photographs and memories....ones I'll never forget, but that get stored in the back of my mind and heart as I move forward with life. I am so very, very thankful those pictures were taken and given to me. Every single photo and memory are treasured by us....

As we prepare for Christmas, I can't help but miss our angel. There will be so many who are missing loved ones during these family celebrations. I pray that they "remember" in their own way....

Wednesday, November 26, 2008 1:34 AM CST

Hi all! Just a quick, late night update to fill you in on our lives this past month. It's been busy, but not sure with what. Do I repeat myself with that statement? I think just keeping busy with the boys and appoinments and homework, household duties, etc, keeps me going. But, I'd rather be busy, than bored, I guess!

It amazes me that the last time I updated was Alex's birthday, and now it's Thanksgiving. How fast did that go?! I know that before we know it, Christmas will be here. Dan and I are able to getaway for awhile over Thanksgiving and after, and I know that once we return, it will be chaos. Sunday School Xmas program, School program, sewing costumes, CHRISTMAS SHOPPING (which I haven't started), Isaiah's birthday, dr.'s appts, and who knows what else will be fit into those 3 weeks before Xmas. It seems to get busier every year. Maybe I just need to say "no" or be more prepared. I'm not sure.

Also, SOMETHING happened to our lovely computer. The guys at Best Buy told me that the only way this could've happened was if someone was actually on our computer, or somehow gained access to it through the internet. They put passwords on it so we couldn't even get on our computer. Now that we have gotten around that, all of our previous emails/email addresses are gone~all of the documents I've written or saved....gone. I went to look for my nicely printed up Xmas card list, and it's not there. I could scream every time I go to find something....only to see it's been erased. I'm frustrated and mad. Be careful out there in cyberworld~it can be messy!

Isaiah is STILL enjoying 2nd grade. I can't believe it. I think that if he could just stay with his teacher for the rest of his school career, he would be fine with it. It has been very good for him to have her and 2nd grade seems to be going smoothly. I do hear stories about 3rd grade, though, and I'm a little nervous. Different schools have different issues, I'm assuming. He still mentions that he wants me to homeschool him in TX during the winter. Hmmmm. Although lately, he's more occupied with what he's going to do at Grandma's while we're gone. :)

Dominic is still wild. I tell you, this kid is going to be one rough cookie. He just tackles us down and seems to never get hurt! I do! It's like he has no fear, which scares me and will continue to as he grows up. Complete opposite boys, if you ask me. But, we'll take 'em. He's smiley and happy most of the time, although he has now taken to "throwing" himself down on the floor in fits. You know, the ones where his arms are up in the air and he just falls face first (head first, actually) onto the floor screaming? Yep, that's him. Terrible 1 1/2's, I guess. I just have to ignore it and then it stops. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it all right, or if my little mind just hopes so. Do we ever know?

We will be missing Thanksgiving this year, which is actually good for me. The holiday gatherings are always hard, and as I have talked to more parents who have lost children (even many years ago), they express the same concern. At least I'm not alone in that, although it makes me wonder if it will get easier? I have to believe it will in time. It just hasn't yet. So, Thanksgiving was a good day for us to leave and I'm thankful for that this year! (My "thankful" item/event)

Not much else going on. A few fixes on our house while we are gone, so we're thankful our neighbor will be here watching the place and working on it. Feels good knowing it's being taken care of.

It feels like a superficial update, but for now, my mind is just going 90 miles an hour getting ready for our getaway. So, I will sign off~just letting you know we are still here and doing fine. I think.

Thanks for still checking in on us. This journey isn't over and I'm not so sure it ever will be.

Blessings to you all this Thanksgiving~we are thankful for you~
Rochelle

Sunday, October 12, 2008 0:11 AM CDT

I guess technically Alex's birthday is over~by 11 minutes. I thought about journaling earlier, but just never got myself to do it. I don't know exactly why. But here I am. Remembering.

I stayed up late last night as I couldn't sleep. I journaled alone about the day of his birth and all the emotions I had leading up to his delivery and on that day. Of course, that brought me to journal about how I feel without him here. It was an emotional night, so I hoped today would be better. It was, until it was time to go to the cemetary. For various reasons, our plans weren't working out and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep~my escape from life. We did our usual family time, giving him his signature roses and letting balloons go up to him. It was quick, however, because it was cold and misty out, so we didn't spend much time at the cemetary. I cried on the way home (Dan & Isaiah went separately and ran a few places) and went back to bed when Dominic did.

I woke up and soon went back to the cemetary to "finish" my feelings? I don't know if that's what you'd call it. But the tears flowed even more, as I realized how long it has been since I've held my son. Nothing can take the place of that opportunity and it's one that can be taken for granted so easily by all of us. But here I am, without him. I have Isaiah (who doesn't want hugs from mom as much ) and I have Dominic (who is beginning to snuggle more), but there is obviously still the emptiness where Alex's life was in me. I know that one day, all will be well. But for now, these days aren't good yet. I only hope they get better one year.

I thought about how all of my feelings would sound to a stranger, or just anyone else out there, I guess. And the bottom line is that there really is no one who could completely understand how I feel. Just as I can't completely understand how Daniel feels. It was my body that was cut to get Alex out...my body that nursed him for half of his short life....and my arms that held him as he died. All of that tied into one, with even more inbetween, and there's just no way of explaining how I truly feel. There never will be. But, I try as best as I can to not sugarcoat reality and to not expect everyone to understand. It's so complicated...and confusing to me.

So, today sucked, to be honest with you. I thought and hoped it would be okay and peaceful, but it was full of turmoil, sadness, grief, and even some anger. I did laugh some, but not much. The clouds that hung over our house, also hung over my head and heart. It was a day that I tried to escape, but couldn't. I can only hope that tomorrow is better.

Thanks for checking in on us and for continuing to send us quick messages. It is this lifeline that was so important to us during Alex's life, and it continues to be important to me...as a journaling tool. So, thank you again.

Blessings,
Alex's mommy

Friday, September 26, 2008 3:18 AM CDT

Up late tonight and can't sleep. I thought it may be a good time to write.

September has been a busy month with school starting, weddings, Daniel's work (extracting the honey and transporting it) and just everyday life. Sometimes I can't believe all that we can try to fit into one single day. Yet other days are pretty calm. The ebb and flow of life.

Isaiah has adjusted well to 2nd grade. He really likes his teacher, so that's always a plus. Not much homework, and when asked, PhyEd and recess are his favorite "subjects". Typical boy, I suppose. He came home with his library books last week and we were going to read together. I told him he could pick out one of his books to read to me, and then I'd read to him. He picked out a library book that we had read last year, except he just opened it up and read it to me! I was surprised that he has retained most of his vocabulary throughout the summer, when reading was slacking more with him. Just goes to show how much they can retain. Lately, he's been asking alot about politics and the war in Iraq. Also, where leather comes from and that there is no such place as Ethiopia (he didn't eat all his supper and I told him about kids in Ethiopia who die of starvation. He didn't believe there was such a place....so he had to have a lesson through the internet.). He comes up with some questions that I just don't know the answers to sometimes. I wonder what all goes through that head in one full day!

Dominic is busier than ever. Running, climbing, teething, throwing food on the floor, tackling his brother, and following me around everywhere I go. He's got a sense of humor and makes me laugh many times throughout the day. He's getting more cuddlier (is that a word?), as he just wouldn't settle down to snuggle with us before. Daniel and I both get jealous if the other one gets the cuddles. Dirty looks are flashed across the room. :) He's learning more words and is exploring everything. The funny thing is that he has figured out how to get the child-locks off the knobs in the kitchen~and back on again. So, he goes in the cupboard, gets what he's not supposed to have, then tries to lock it up again. I thought they were supposed to help keep the child OUT of the cupboards! He's only 16 months old for goodness sakes.

The business is in a busy period, so Daniel's been pretty busy the last 2 months. It will slow down just for a bit now, and then the task of sending bees down south will begin. He's just been busy with work and not much time for anything else. He told me that his relaxation is watching a movie or show on tv, so I guess he's happy when he can do that. Pretty simple entertainment, I guess.

As for me, I've just been chasing Dominic around and trying to do all the mommy/wife duties that are expected of me. Sometimes I fall short, sometimes I'm on top of things. But overall, it's still nice to be a stay-at-home mom. I'm very blessed for the freedom that I have to do that, thanks to my husband.

On Labor Day weekend, a girlfriend and I went to Sioux Falls, SD, to a Christian music festival. We only attended one of the 3 days, but it was the one we chose to go to. We saw quite a few singers, but the ones I went to see was Natalie Grant and Casting Crowns. Man, did I cry. Some of their music has touched me so much in the past couple of years, and to hear them sing them, just got me. My music-obsessed mind, I guess, was just loving every minute of it. I could've stayed there for hours just listening to their testimonies and their stories. A totally different situation than a rock concert-or even country. All the artists told us how they got to where they are now, in life and in faith. And every bit of their success was lifted up to God in glory. It was awesome to see how they felt just blessed to be given the gift of music~and how they turned it around and gave all the credit to God. I have not seen that at other concerts (non-Christian based) I've been to. Different atmosphere and one that I would love to see more of. We had a great time and it was a nice break to have right before school began.

I think about Alex's birthday coming up quickly-October 11th. I was asked just yesterday how I view his birthday. Am I happy? Am I sad? Joyous? Grief-stricken? I had to think about it. I said that mostly I am joyful for the fact that he was born that day and the miracle of his birth. The memories that come flooding back to me as I remember the details. But, deep down, there is sadness, too. Thinking that he isn't here to celebrate with us the way our friends and family can celebrate birthdays...the way Isaiah and Dominic can celebrate theirs. I miss him everyday~and on that day, I miss him after thinking about his birth and that he would now be 4 years old! By the end of the day, I imagine his "birthday party" in heaven and couldn't wish for anything better for him. I guess there are an array of feelings just on that day alone....much like any other day, I guess. Missing him.....wanting to have him here....knowing I can't. Wondering when this grief business will lighten up-why I get stuck in it. Is this the way it goes? I don't know, but I guess it is for me.

I think I'd better try for some sleep. Just giving an update on our days this past month~it almost felt like I was writing a Xmas letter. Summarizing our life for all of you. Hopefully I can come back on here again soon, without waiting a month!

I'm asking if you could pray for my cousin's son, James, who was recently diagnosed with a rare cancer (he's 17). He's started chemo and has been doing well with little side effects. However, being a rare cancer, he needs prayers that this will respond to the chemo he's being given. I know they would appreciate any prayers said for their family....and especially for James.

Also, on a lighter note, I have tell you that it will be 11 beautiful, long, exciting, trying years that Daniel and I have been married-on the 27th. Many things we have gone through together, but are still going strong. Weekly disagreements that never go anywhere, but are there for the sake of argument.....a loss of date nights after Dominic has come on board, but the love is still there....managing to sleep in separate rooms for about 7 1/2 years now (hmmmm.....I wonder who's 7 1/2?), yet still remain connected....realizing we have a better phone relationship that an actual visual, present relationship at home (we laugh at that fact).....and knowing that no one else would even come close to being able to put up with each other's crazy personalities. All of that, and we're still going strong. All thanks to God, who is our foundation. He was there at the beginning....in the midst of our triumphs and sorrows....and is still the Ruler of our lives. Because of Him, we will celebrate 11 years on Saturday. And I couldn't ask to be married to anyone better. (Love you Daniel!)

Thanks for letting me get that sappy message out. Now when he comes home from being gone all week, I won't have to be all emotional and break down. Who am I kidding....it will happen anyways!

I hope this finds all of you well....and if you're not, please let me know if there are any prayers you need. I would be more than happy to support YOU for a change.

Blessings to all,
Rochelle

Wednesday, August 27, 2008 2:03 AM CDT

If any of you listen to Christian radio, you know Steven Curtis Chapman and what happened to his family this summer. For those who haven't heard the story, his teenage son was coming up the driveway in their SUV and accidentally ran over his 6 (?) year old sister. Despite efforts to save her or bring her back to life, she died. And they were then faced with more than they could've imagined. Grieving, plus reassuring a teenage son that it was an accident....something freak and not his fault. But my question is how does a teenage boy understand that? We all know that it was an accident, but how does his growing brain accept that? By the love of his parents and their faith, I am assuming.

Well, the other night I heard a song from Steven Curtis Chapman that was written quite awhile ago, I think. "Higher Ways" Some of the lyrics talk about how he would go up and look down to see the bigger picture...or sit at Jesus' feet for a few hours and ask too many questions. That there's so much going on that he just doesn't understand. But, he has prayed...and at His feet His whole life has been laid. His soul is resting on His higher ways. God's higher ways teach him to trust Him, His higher ways are not like ours. But his soul is resting on His higher ways.

Another song I listen to frequently is "Be Still and Know", also by him. A few lyrics.....Be still and know that He is God. Be still and know that He is holy.....bow before the Prince of Peace...let the noise and clamor cease. Be still and know that He is faithful. Consider all that He has done....stand at awe and be amazed and know that He will never change. Be still. Be speechless. Be still and know He is our Father. Come rest your head upon His breast, listen to the rhythm of His unfailing heart of love beating for all His little ones...calling each of us to come. Be still...

Once again, a song writer's lyrics portray such deep emotion and truth~their way of speaking to the world. Through music.

However, it is lately that these two songs have gone to the depth of me as I think of the Chapman family. As I think of their grief and pain as a family and all that they are facing. In the blink of an eye, their entire world changed forever. Forever and ever and ever and ever and she will not come back while they are on this earth. This is it. When the finality of a death sets it, it's hard, as most of you know~I'm sure. But thankfully, we have heaven and eternity to look forward to and to keep us pressing on.

The reason I wrote about some of his music was because of an article the People magazine wrote about him and his family. How they are coping and what really happened to their daughter. Knowing, obviously being a successful Christian singer, their faith is what holds them up. But out of the whole article, the only phrase/sentence that I really remember is that Steven said, "This has challenged every lyric I have ever written." (I may not have the words exactly right....but I tried) That has stuck with me as I listen to these songs that he wrote or recorded years ago. The words that have helped millions of others through hardships and sadness. If he only knew a fraction of the people he has touched, I'm sure he'd be overwhelmed. But now, it's him. It's his turn to listen to his own claims of faith and cling to them. It's ironic and it's scary.

For me, and for a few others I know, after the death of Alex, I questioned my faith alot that first year or so. The theology, the question of life after death~everything came to a head. I needed those words and lyrics and the bible to reference to for those questions, as well as my elders. Slowly, even 3 years later, the answers are slowly coming. I believe and I know that I know that I know that Alex is in heaven and that there is a wonderful, merciful, gracious God with me. But when yet one more event happens, you're one notch down on that "knowing" scale and questions come again. Thankfully our God is a forgiving God and can understand my questions~and knows them before I even ask them!

And now the Chapman family may be faced with the same situation. I don't know for sure, but I have been told that that happens alot after a death-an unexpected death especially. The answers and the understanding just doesn't come and probably won't while we're on this earth. But for Steven to have written so many songs about how faithful God is during adversity, I'm sure his comment is true. I'm sure he really IS challenged beyond comprehension by everything he's told everyone else. The down side is that he is in the spotlight and people look up to him. I pray that he's given the time and privacy to fully be able to grieve and focus on his family.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, but I'm just amazed how one moment everything is fine and the kids are playing outside....and the next minute, your child has died. Or one day you are going along fine, and then the next day a ct scan shows tumors. Or you're just playing on the playground and collapse into a seizure. How can life just through those things at you ever so fiercely? And my main question is "When is enough.....enough?"

Please pray for the Chapman family. Nobody could have too many prayers being said for them....no matter how famous they are, they still need God.

Blessings,
Rochelle

Tuesday, August 12, 2008 10:33 PM CDT

This song, which I'm sure many of you know well, was sung at Alex's funeral. As Daniel carried our son out of the church in his casket, and I carried Isaiah, we listened as our family and loved ones sang this song. I was going through our church hymnal tonight looking for some particular songs for the Sunday School to work on, when I came across it again. I played it and just soaked in the words that portray such a desperation, such a cry for guidance and help and healing. Many days in our lives (mine, at least) I could sing this song to Jesus for various reasons. Tonight it was because I'm tired and weak and worn. And even though I don't feel like my "life is almost gone", sometimes the days feel long and hard to get through. That's when I need God the most-I need Jesus' precious hand to hold me when I fall. The best thing about it, is that even in my darkest days and deepest valleys, He's always there. No matter what. And one day, He will lead me home.

Precious Lord, Take My Hand

Precious Lord, take my hand
lead me on, let me stand
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn
Through the storm, through the night
lead me on to the light
Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.

When the way grows drear
Precious Lord, linger near
when my life is almost gone
hear my cry, hear my call,
hold my hand lest I fall
Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.

When the darkness appears
and the night draws near
and the day is past and gone
at the river I stand, guide my feet
hold my hand
Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.

I can picture many people who have gone with Jesus to heaven and my mind automatically imagines their tired, worn bodies that are so weak. What a blessing to them, to be able to take Jesus' hand and walk home. As much as I miss Alex, I am so very happy for him. He can rest now, without pain and have that peace that passes all understanding. Oh, how I long for that peace right now.

Blessings,
Rochelle

Wednesday, July 30, 2008 0:15 AM CDT

I just have this haunting vision of seeing Alex's tumors. The ct scans and the MRIs that he had~all of the spots on his lungs and brain. They are just overloading my brain right now and I don't know why.

I remember seeing the x-rays and scans for the very first time and not really understanding what all would be taking place. In hindsight, I really didn't expect all of the cancer to take over his precious little body.

We have cds of his scans. Why? I don't know. They gave them to us at one of our visits after Alex's death. I know that I really did want them for the future, so that 10 years later, if I ever wondered if his cancer really was "that bad", I could look at them and say "yep....it sure was". That may sound weird, but sometimes I need that to remind myself that all of it really did happen. And then there are times like this, when I want to forget that part of Alex's life....the part when I visibly saw his cancer invading his lungs and brain. Those tumors were just like aliens invading our world. And the only treatment we could think of using, didn't do a thing to stop them from growing. How can that be?

I think all of this is coming out because Daniel was just recently telling a doctor about Alex (and the other boys, too). However, this surgeon he was talking to knew about Wilms Tumor and commented that it was very curable. I think his response made me sad because Alex wasn't cured the traditional way. With the chemo and radiation, etc. He was an exception to the "rule" and even this general surgeon believed that it should've been curable. When Daniel told him that it had already spread to his brain and lungs when he was diagnosed at 3 months, the surgeon said, "oh, so he had to have been born with it". The eternal question. Was this growing inside Alex as he was forming in my womb? Was there a medication I was given that caused those tender cells to change and not correct themselves? What is it that makes these ever-changing cells to decide to stay deformed and form a tumor? I just don't understand cancer. I mean, I UNDERSTAND it medically, I just don't understand it emotionally. I want to say "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!" and kick and scream, but what would that do? Nothing except make this headache of mine worse.

Another aspect in this sadness tonight, is from talking with a neighbor of ours this evening. He was telling me that they had just come back from Minneapolis because one of their adult sons had just had brain surgery 2 weeks ago. We had no idea that he was having it and I was just stunned. Brought me back to Alex and being the parent waiting for their son to go through that brain surgery, and wondering how they will come out on the other side. Thankfully, this man is recovering well and the surgery was "textbook", but the emotions that family must've been feeling cannot have been fun. I just know it wasn't for us anyways.

I don't understand this world. I just don't understand it. I know that I never will and most of the time that's okay with me. But tonight, it's not. I just want my baby back. I want Isaiah and Dominic to have their brother to play with. Even if we had to live at the Ronald McDonald House for a couple of years....I wouldn't care! I just want him back. Even for a moment. To hold him and kiss his soft cheeks and see that smile of his. One moment is all I need, all I wish for. But I know that would never be enough.

So I wait. Until moments won't matter and time will be no more. When all of our babies will be together with us and we will be whole. A family complete with all the chosen babies we were blessed to carry. Some for just months, some for years. But until then, I will have these moments of yearning. It's an inevitable part of the process and I will just have to crawl, even when I cannot walk....knowing that God will be there to carry me when I fall face down in my grief.

Rochelle

Thursday, July 17, 2008 7:32 PM CDT

I can hardly believe I even let Isaiah do this. But, as the only girl in the family, I was really just out ruled. And so, Isaiah raced his tiny 4-wheeler at our County Fair this year. Last Friday, he participated in our Annual Motocross Race, which I vowed he would never do.

When he told me that he wanted to race his 4-wheeler, I was suprisingly calm about it and thought it would be okay. Then I watched him practice on a track and my stomach has never been the same. I had to leave. I couldn't watch him anymore, until last Friday when he had on all of his gear (chest protector, knee pads, boots, goggles, the whole sha-bang). All week long, while mentally and emotionally preparing for my son to race his first race, I prayed. Really prayed. I wanted a "hedge of protection" around him....as he took off against others who had possibly raced many times before. I knew that first curve would be the worst, as I've watched Daniel race his race car. I knew that would be the most dangerous portion for Isaiah.

So, on Friday, the boys and I stayed busy all the way up until registration time. I made some excuse to have to go grocery shopping and drive around as much as I could, just to keep my mind off of it. But, the time finally came. As I sat in the grandstands with all the other spectators, I prepared for the worst. The physician's assistant from Fertile was there (who we know well), so I told him to make sure he's RIGHT THERE when Isaiah goes over the two big hills. He just smiled and said that Isaiah would be fine. He always tells me that!

When it was time for Isaiah's heat, I got the video camera ready and quickly realized that he was the only one in his class. He basically raced against himself. He was in the race that included 2 other boys (one had to leave the race when his 4-wheeler quit), but their 4-wheelers were faster than his. This little 7-year-old of ours just put the pedal to the metal....and poked along the course at the slowest speed I think I've ever seen in my entire life. It was hilarious. Thank goodness the crowd was good to him and really screamed as he went in front of the grandstands (per instructions from the announcer)....just to give him some good confidence.

After the heat race and then the final, he ended up with a 1st place trophy that comes up to his waist. He was ecstatic, of course, but I'm not sure he realizes that he basically won by default-of being the one and only racer. Even though we've explained that to him, he doesn't really care how he won it. Just that he won it!

The other day we had to go check out a bigger 4-wheeler, of course. Luckily, he's not even close to being old enough to ride it, so I have a few years to get used to that idea. However, he has asked a few times when he can race again. I've told him that he will possibly have to race against OTHER KIDS if we go somewhere else, but he's not afraid of that. Interesting.

As the weekend went on, I remembered my prayers of protection over Isaiah. I laughed as I realized how extreme the "answer" to my prayers was. Okay, I know I wanted him to be protected in his own little circle, but I'm not sure I meant for him to be racing all by himself! Oh well, I guess God knows what he's doing. Maybe that was the best way to calm Isaiah down and his mommy down during his first (and possibly ONLY) race.

Just thought you'd enjoy hearing about our latest adventure. We survived!

Blessings,
Rochelle

Tuesday, July 1, 2008 9:31 PM CDT

Am I the only one who ever questions God's "plans" or His "will" for our lives? I've been asking Him alot lately, why things happen. Inside my heart, I believe God only means for good. But I don't understand how some "good" things hurt so badly.

Another friend, Mary (whom I've asked many of you to pray for), has finished her earthly journey. She is now in heaven with her Maker, where most of us hope and long to be one day. Even though I know there was peace in the end, I still seem to ask the silent question "why?". I don't know if the answer will come in this lifetime, but right now, my heart is broken for this family who has the road of grief ahead of them.

I caught Dominic staring up at our family picture with Alex in it. He was just staring. As he grows older, I know his understanding of the world and how things work will only increase. But as I've stated before, I'm still wondering how to explain a brother he's never met. I pray for those words and for his brain and heart to understand, even at a young, young age. I know God will help me, I just think about it every once in awhile.

As the song from Kenny Chesney goes, "Sunny days seem to hurt the most....", sometimes that's true in me. I think I may have experienced the Seasonal Depression this past year, although I'm not sure if the winter was what it was based upon, or if it was that lingering Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The reason I say that, is because I can become just as sad in these beautiful summer days, than I could in the darkest days of winter. I'm not sure grief is seasonal. Maybe it is....and maybe it is just to some people. All I know is that it sure doesn't just "end" one day. And I can't believe that after 3 years, I still struggle with how to "live with it". My new normal still hasn't become a reality to me, I don't think.

On a positive note, this summer is really flying by. Isaiah is in baseball (which I may have mentioned before) and it is fun to see him with his friends from school. He seems to really enjoy it, as one of us has played catch with him almost every day since he started practice! That's a good thing, but not when the Minnesota mosquitoes have come out. I know they must have a place on the food chain, but come on. Does there have to be so many?! Anyways, I know that Isaiah isn't really waiting for 2nd grade, but it will come before we know it.

I have a funny story for you. We have officially put our home up for sale...and are seriously waiting for it to go. (we have toyed around with "for sale" for 2 years now) We live on a lake, which Isaiah does not like to swim in (past his waist). Doesn't want to get his head wet, nothing. Besides that, we bought a boat 2 years ago, which has approx. 10 hours of use on it...because Isaiah has been terrified to go on it! He told us in May...."I will NOT go on the boat this year....just so you know." Great. Then, the first day he decided to go swimming, he had a leech on him (about an inch long...MAYBE). He screamed like he was being attacked and vowed he was NEVER going swimming again. I thought "wonderful....another useless summer at the lake". Then we decided to list the house with a realtor again.

So, last week, Isaiah was invited over to the neighbors to swim with their grandchildren (all boys). They aren't RIGHT next to us, as we have a swamp and trees separating us. It's a pretty good distance between us on the water. When he was over there, I noticed he was jumping off the end of their dock. I didn't believe it was him, until he came home and ran and jumped off the end of OUR dock! (it's really shallow, but he's NEVER done that before) His head went under, there were a few weeds, but he didn't care. He's been jumping off there ever since. And then a few minutes later, he told me he was going to swim back over to the neighbors. I told him "allright", because I knew he never would do it. But, with his life jacket on, he took off. And swam all the way over. There's about 200 feet of shoreline between us (all cattails along the shore), I'm not good at measurements, but he did it. Then he swam back. He's done this a couple times now, and I'm just amazed. Also, we had some friends out the other day and went for a boat ride. He kept asking me to go faster. What? Everyday since then (last Tuesday), he's asked to go for a boat ride. What in the world has happened?! And now we have our house up for sale?! I'm overjoyed that his fear is subsiding, but the timing sure if awful!

Dominic is just a blast to have around lately. He's copying things that we do and is always smiling. He is VERY loud in the car-not sure if he wants my attention or is just trying to talk over Isaiah. I don't know. He LOVES being outside, but since his attack with the mosquitoes, I've been leary to let him wander around the yard. I try to keep him on the beach, where they aren't as bad. He loves the boat and has no fear, as of yet. He's just fun right now. Brotherly love is sometimes not so evident, though, as yesterday Daniel and I heard Isaiah ask Dominic (after Dominic followed him into Isaiah's room) "Why do you have to follow me EVERYWHERE?" We just laughed.

I'm off to search for my night guard "retainer". I've now lost it and am desperate for it. I break my teeth even while wearing it at night, so I can't imagine what might happen if I've truly lost it. (this is my 3rd one, I should add...the others broke, but I didn't have to pay to replace them) If I have to buy another one....I won't be too happy. I have a "vision" of where it was last, but now it's nowhere to be seen. Dominic.....? Any little prayers for that would be welcomed. :)

Please, as you go about your week, would you say a prayer for Mary's family. I'm sure we all know how funerals go and visitations, and how overwhelming they can be for the families. Please just hold them up as they say their good-byes to such a beautiful, faithful woman. Thank you.

Blessings,
Rochelle

PS-I ADDED MORE RECENT PICTURES OF THE BOYS TONIGHT, UNDER THE LINK TO MYPHOTOALBUM.COM, IF YOU WISH TO CHECK THEM OUT!

Monday, June 2, 2008 11:38 PM CDT

Once again, I have a story about Isaiah and watching him be a child of God. He spent last week at Vacation Bible School (4 hours during the day). He came home excited and singing (which of course I love, because it's music!) everyday. On Sunday, the group had a program to show us what they had learned and sang songs for all of us. It was amazing to see these kids of all ages stand before us and sing for Jesus, praising Him for all He does for us, and reminding each of us to be thankful for Who He is. One of the songs they sang (the only slow song) was Come to Jesus, by Chris Rice. I can't remember if I have written the words on here before, but just in case I haven't and even one of you don't know it...I just have to share them. You can skip it if you wish....

Come to Jesus

Weak and wounded sinner, lost and left to die
Oh, raise your head for love is passing by
Come to Jesus, Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus....and live

Now your burden's lifted and carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain
Sing to Jesus, Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus....and live

And like a newborn baby, don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk, sometimes we fall
So fall on Jesus, Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus....and live

Sometimes the way is lonely and steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain
Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus....and live

Oh, and when the love spills over and music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside
Dance for Jesus, Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus....and live

And with your final heartbeat, kiss the world good-bye
Go in peace and laugh on glory's side
And fly to Jesus, Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus....and live!

One of my favorite, favorite songs, as it shows us that through all the times in our lives, we can go to Jesus. We can include Him in everything that we do and everything that happens to us. Sometimes it's easier for me to not go to Him. Don't ask me why, because I don't know, but sometimes I must just want to hold onto that pain or that grudge and be angry for awhile. But, He understands and eventually I come around. I'm sure some of you can relate to that "letting go" issue that I have. Letting go of my life and world and family....and trusting in His plan. I guess I just have to be along for the ride.

Back to VBS, tears were in my eyes as I watched my 7 year old sing this song, with actions and passion. I had it on my ipod and we burned it onto a cd for him to listen to at night. He wants to repeat it over and over and over again. How can I not let him? He's learning such a valuable, perfect lesson....at age 7. It was just beyond me to watch these children be so excited about Jesus~and teach us what they had learned about Him.

Like I have written before, I was so proud (that mommy pride, you know?) of Isaiah and all the others up there, for being brave enough to stand up for Jesus. They will face ridicule sometime in their lives for living for Jesus, but I pray that these lessons stay with them. And as before, I silently wondered how God was feeling as these children sang for Him...and for us. I wonder how big His smile was as they recalled the lessons He so desperately wants us all to learn. I wonder if His heart smiled like mine did? There's nothing like listening to a child talk about Jesus with enthusiasm. Don't you agree?

Rochelle

Saturday, May 17, 2008 10:21 PM CDT

Dominic is officially a one year old. Last Saturday, he had his 1st birthday. I can't believe it yet. He's walking all over-barely crawls, says "da-da" all the time, is eating our foods, and is just a hoot to be around. He makes me laugh so often just by his cooky personality. So, we are on our way to toddlerhood.

Isaiah has 4 1/2 days of 1st grade left. Unbelievable. I think he is waiting for summer to come, but I know he will get bored! Without someone right here to play with, the days sometimes get long. He's been getting "reminders" for talking too much in school, so maybe we have to work on some quiet time during the summer. I wonder where he gets the talking from? Hmmmm....

Isaiah had alot of questions tonight about Alex, and God, and when Jesus is coming again-what will happen. We had gone to the cemetary tonight and I think that's what triggered it all. I told him that I don't have all the answers and the bible doesn't even give us all the answers because our minds won't understand it all. But we just have to believe in what it does say and have faith that we will see Alex again. He hasn't been listening to any nighttime music for awhile (he has always had music on when going to bed), but tonight he got up and put on "Angels Among Us" by Alabama. He pushed repeat, so it would play over and over again....and set the sleep timer for an hour. Boy, did that song get me thinking.....

I've been pretty down today after finding out last night that yet another dear woman's cancer has spread to her brain. Her battle with her second bout of cancer began just shortly after Alex's, and it seems as if I have maybe hung onto her survival to prove to myself that cancer can be cured and managed. But, I was taken aback when I heard the news of tumors in her brain. I just don't even have words to describe how that affected me, and I'm a bit surprised. Maybe it brings back memories of us finding Alex's tumors in his brain...I don't know. Maybe it's just the fact that I have prayed for this family for so long, and that I don't understand God's plan. Maybe I'm just frustrated that another family has to deal with all of this cancer business...the ups and downs of that horrible roller coaster ride. Maybe I'm just mad because of all the bad things the world can bring into our lives...without our control. I know that this family will be okay...I know that they have the faith in God to see this through, but at the same time, I'm just so sad at what they may be facing. Please, please, please pray for Mary and her family. I would appreciate it with all of my heart.

Blessings,
Rochelle

Sunday, April 20, 2008 9:54 PM CDT

I recieved this email just a short time ago and thought I'd share it with you. It had beautiful pictures of babies faces on it with each phrase, but obviously I couldn't put them on here. I hope you are blessed by the thoughts....I sure was.

"I Believe"

I believe....that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe....that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe....that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe....that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe....that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe....that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe....that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe....that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe....that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe....that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe....that the people you care about the most in life are taken from you much too soon.

I believe....that life is more precious than money will ever be able to be.

What do you believe?

Wednesday, April 16, 2008 9:36 PM CDT

This week, the author Gary Thomas was speaking in a town about an hour away from us. He is a Christian writer and I have a couple of his books (haven't read them yet). He was going to be speaking for 3 nights out of one of the books I have. I was so interested to go and hear him. However, I thought it was later in the week, when it in fact was Sunday-Tuesday. I missed the first two nights, but was able to go to the last session on Tuesday evening. I was blessed beyond measure.

The topic of the night was "Common Blessings in Everyday Miracles". I was told that when I called to make sure the talk was still scheduled. I thought that would be interesting to hear. When I got there, I found out that was indeed the topic, along with finding contentment in our lives. THAT was what hit me hard. I went there thinking I'd get SOMETHING out of the commone blessings, etc. But in my life at this very moment, contentment is something I am struggling with. So, I sat and listened and took notes....in awe that this was so applicable to me!

Basically, he talked about miracles that happen in our lives. We all know that miracles do happen-and when they do, we are ecstatic! Just like when Alex kept surviving those horrible nights when the doctors told us there was no hope. Those were miracles in our eyes. He went on to tell a story from 1 Kings. The woman who was about to make her last meal for her and her son, and then they were going to die. There was a great famine at that time and there was absolutely NO food left. Along came Elijah and asked her for some food. After explaining her situation, he told her that if she gave him some of her food, she would never run out. (she had a jar of flour and a jar of oil) She listened to him, and the next day, her jars still had flour and oil. The next day she looked, there was still more. Each time she looked (after cooking), there was always food in her jars. Wouldn't you consider that a miracle?

It says that after some time (we don't know exactly how long), she meets Elijah again. By this time, she expects to see the flour and oil, and would be more surprised if it was indeed gone one morning. It just became normal for her to find food coming from nowhere. Anyways, some time later, her son becomes ill. Elijah appeared again and she was critical of him...she thought that he was going to kill her son. Instead, he took the boy up to his room, prayed for him and the boy came back to life. And do you know what the woman said? "Now I know that you are a man of God and that the word of the Lord from your mouth is truth."

What Gary Thomas was wondering was WHAT?! NOW you know? What about the promise Elijah made about the flour and oil, and how that came true and remained true? Didn't that count? His theory is that over time, she expected that miracle to continue on. She became used to it and basically took it for granted. A miracle that had saved her and her son's life....and after time, the impact of that was disappearing.

What I learned most from that and from what Gary talked about was that we have miracles performed every single day. But we're so used to them, that we can take them for granted. Like our sight. Our hearing. Our homes that are saved from fires (which was our case this week!). Alex living longer than expected. Daniel and I even being able to have children...is a miracle in itself! Do you see what I mean? We take for granted the little things, but if something was to be taken from us and our lives, it devastates us....because we just expect it. If we were to lose our sight right now, and God gave it back to us, we'd be so thankful and what a miracle that would be! But right now, while we are able to see, do we even thank God for that ability?

The part about contentment was even deeper for me, which I don't think I'll get into today. Maybe another time. I'll just sum it up. Our contentment is based on our attitude. It doesn't matter where we are (in the car, in our homes, at a store), if we have a bad attitude, we will not find contentment. If we focus on the disappointments of life (hello, Rochelle?), we miss the opportunity for contentment in the present. Gary talked about the Garden of Eden. It was paradise...it had everything Adam and Eve could ever want or desire. The only thing that they had to stay away from was that one tree. And what did they do? Ate from the tree. They had paradise! They had no sin-they had everything. But, they wanted more. If even the Garden of Eden wasn't enough for us humans, what would be enough to make us content? Why does our focus tend to go outside of what we have or how we live or what our spirit is feeling? There's the desire to always want more, more, more. Better, or upgraded. Happier or thinner. More spiritual, but unwilling to give up our lives for it. How can we be content when we always want something different.

I don't know if that even made sense, without me going into my own reasonings, but I hope that it did. It was just so interesting to be reminded, yet again, how blessed we are. If you have a roof over your head....Hallelujah! If you have food for the day, what a blessing! But we take those things for granted sometimes. (I'm saying "we", but don't think I'm judging any of you...I'm just using it as a general word, ok?) When will we be content?

It has made me realize that I can create my own contentment. I think I was waiting for God to put that quality in me, but I think along with His help, I can find my contentment. Gary Thomas just gave me a wake up call on how to do it.

Hope that wasn't too boring for you....wish you could've been there to understand all that I learned. And just from the one night! I was able to talk one-on-one with Gary afterwards and I know that I was brought there for a reason....and I know what that reason is. Gary validated it and showed me what I was overlooking. What a priviledge it was to be counseled (for 5 minutes!) from such a knowledgable and insightful man. I was so blessed.

Blessings,
Rochelle

Tuesday, April 8, 2008 4:20 PM CDT

Hi Angel baby,

You know that I really thought today would be different. That this would be the year I would be okay on April 8th. You know what I was thinking and pushing out of my heart...until I had to wake up and actually face the day. I miss you so much. My heart and head can't grasp the fact that it has been 3 full years since I held you in my arms...and heard your last breath. I just can't understand how I am still here...and you aren't.

You saw me trying to slip through the day unnoticed, didn't you? But, your brothers have to have their time with you, too. Isaiah was so proud to send you some balloons and he picked out all the colors of strings and everything! I know he misses you by what he does when we visit your gravesite. Dominic saw your picture on your stone today-I'm sure he's recognizing your face more and more. Who knows what that little mind can comprehend?

So now we're home. And my heart is heavy. I want to hold you and kiss you. The tears want to come, but somehow they have flowed softly today-not with the desperation that my heart feels. I don't know how to get through another anniversary date....when all I can think about it holding you at the end of your earthly life. What a joyous and devastating moment in my life. I know you understand.

I will try to take comfort today knowing you are with Jesus and all the others who love you so much. I will try to step out of the selfishness I feel for wanting you here. You know that I just want our family to be together and complete...that's what breaks my heart.

Not a day goes by that you aren't on my mind, Alex. Not one single day. You're embedded in my soul forever and even though I can't hold you in my arms right now, I'll just hold you in my heart.

Somehow, all these words seem meaningless. There are no words to describe the feelings I have on these days. The bottom line is that I miss you and love you and am so proud to be your mommy.

Say 'hi' to Jesus for me....

Love you,
Mommy

Friday, April 4, 2008 10:15 PM CDT

I had a wound open unexpectedly today....and boy, did it hurt. I'm sure it will sound trivial to most, but to me, it was just too many memories coming back at me.

Isaiah has complained this week about various things: headaches, stomach aches, tiredness, eyes hurting, just different things that he normally doesn't have. He's had a cough for about 3 weeks and got over a cold, so these were new symptoms. Last night (after many questions), he told me that the top of his head hurt and that he was so tired and that his tummy kept hurting. After he got to sleep, I went on the internet. All of us moms know that is the WORST thing to do, because THEN you find all the diseases your child has...and you're convinced they need to be brought to the hospital that very moment. Well, after laying in bed worrying until after 3 am, I finally got to sleep.

I decided after sending Isaiah off to school (he seemed fine), that I would call his pediatrician's office to get him in for a check up. It's virtually impossible to get a last minute appt with his dr, so the receptionist was just looking at who was available today. She said the only one who could see him today (in this office of however many doctors & nurse practicioners) was, well, we'll call him Dr. H. Dr. H was the dr we brought Alex to many, many times during those 6 weeks before his diagnosis. The one who basically hung up on me one night because I called after finding that lump on his side again. The one that ALWAYS seemed to be free to see us, or on call when Alex was brought in. The one that looked at me as if I was a lunatic. The one that sent me home each and every time, without any explanations. Do I sound angry? Well, I tell myself that I'm not mad at him....that I don't blame him....that I forgive him for not doing further tests or for even BELIEVING me that something was wrong. But immediately after Alex was diagnosed, I vowed that my children would never be seen by him again. I wasn't angry, I just didn't trust him anymore. I was afraid he would just send me away like the many times before. I was worried about Isaiah's headaches and of course, my anxiety is probably a little higher than most when my children get sick. So when they told me that ONLY Dr. H was available, I was caught off guard.

I asked if there was ANYONE else he could see....a nurse practioner or something? They said no. I said anyone but Dr. H. The receptionist was just quiet and I felt the judgement through the phone. As she was checking for any other possible appts, I told her why I was so against seeing him. I told her that the reason I didn't feel comfortable going to him, was that our other son was brought to him many times and kept being misdiagnosed. He ended up having cancer and dying and I just can't go through any other misdiagnoses. She didn't say much, but put me on hold. Another woman got on and said my only option was to go to Urgent Care or wait until tomorrow's walk-in clinic. She said that Dr. H had an opening at 11:15 and I said, "I wonder if that might work...." in a monotone voice. She asked if I would like to schedule it and after a pause, I just started bawling and said "I can't do it, I just can't! I'm sorry, but I just can't bring my child to him. I'll figure something else out, but I just can't do it." She said okay and that if I changed my mind or couldn't get in anywhere else, to call back and they would get me in. She also, very kindly, told me that if Isaiah's dr. was in the clinic, they would've squeezed him in because of this, but he was in fact, up working in the nursery today. So, at least I know they would've worked with me.

I hung up the phone and just sobbed. All the feelings came back from when I saw that dr so many times. I don't know if I'm angry with him? I didn't think I was, but maybe I am. I don't know. All I do know is that my whole being wouldn't allow him to check over another one of my children, if it was in my power.....because there's no way I could leave there trusting his diagnosis. I just cried as I remembered all the times I brought Alex in and all the times I was looked at like I was a crazy, overprotective mom. All the times that he would have another explanation for Alex's symptoms, yet wouldn't ever dig deeper for any other reasons he was acting that way. Every time I left there, I felt embarrassed and frustrated. Humiliated and looked down upon. I just couldn't risk that again. So, I cried and wondered what I was going to do now?

I called Daniel, who was the only other person who would completely understand this situation. He was adamant that I do NOT bring him up there and told me that there are many other clinics I can bring Isaiah to. I didn't really feel better after talking to him, but maybe a little less lonely. We had someone here working on our house, and I was a basket case. I sat with Dominic in his room and just cried. I looked horrible, but I couldn't stop. I hid out. When I finally calmed down enough to talk, I called our local clinic to get in with the P.A. there. I was afraid that he would just tell me not to worry (he always does that....) and that Isaiah was just fine. That I was overreacting and to calm down. But, what choice did I have?

To make the rest of the story short, Isaiah has a sore throat and fever (didn't know about either of them this morning!). The P.A. wouldn't let him go back to school, so he ended up missing a friend's b-day party. He was crushed and crying, but we told him that he has to get better. He was given antibiotics and instructions to rest, rest, rest. (By the way, Dominic also had his ears checked after his ear infection two weeks ago, and was put on more antibiotics because it didn't go away. I killed two birds with one stone.) I left the clinic in a daze. In a way (this will sound bad) I was glad that they found SOMETHING with Isaiah that would explain his headaches, stomach aches and tiredness. At least I knew I wasn't losing my mind or overreacting or being paranoid. I am always, always afraid of the worst-case scenario, so this was a blessing to me. Snuggle time with Isaiah.

So, we got the meds, got the tylenol and motrin, and went home to rest. Dominic and I fell asleep, but Isaiah just couldn't, so he watched a movie. He seems okay tonight, but also has meds in him to keep his fever down. The P.A. thinks this is just the start of his illness and that his fever will probably keep going up. So, we are house bound, I think, this weekend. Isaiah thinks that's great-he said, "We can have a whole movie weekend!!! I love them!" Obviously, he's over the whole birthday party deal that he missed....for now.

By the way, his tooth FINALLY fell out in school the other day. And the tooth fairy actually remembered to come that same night! A miracle that she remembered! Also, I went from being told I was MEAN, to being told I was the best mom in the world (tonight). Wow. Don't really know what to think about that. Split personality? Good meds? I don't know, but I'll take it!

Even though this day ended up with just some antibiotics and tylenol, it sure has affected me. I haven't been faced with that Dr. since Alex was sick, and I wasn't prepared for that scenario. Like I said, it may sound so trivial to most, but to me, my heart hurt remembering all the disappointing visits we had with him before. And the fact that my baby died so young and that no one caught his cancer earlier, hurts. I do believe that the way Alex's life went, was how it was supposed to go. However, my human-ness wants it to be different. That's what I live with every single day...

Emotions were high today-but hopefully tomorrow will be better. Just journaling about it helps me so much, so I figured I'd better get on here. Some things I can't put out there for everyone, but this experience I felt I could. Hopefully you take it in compassion and empathy...as I believe you will.

Blessings,
Rochelle

Sunday, March 30, 2008 9:06 PM CDT

Well, for those of you who read the last journal entry, Isaiah STILL hasn't lost that front tooth. It has gotten so loose and has bled more times than I can remember, but he refuses to let me pull it out. So, every day we wait...and every day there is drama about that tooth!

Isaiah's been really defiant lately, I guess I should say he's been whiney (is that how you spell it?). He asks many times now when he can see dad again, when is dad coming home....or when are we going back to TX to see him. The webcam must not be cutting it anymore, I guess! He's just been the 7-year-old he's supposed to be, it's just hard for me-the mom who hates to discipline. I absolutely hate it. And when I do it, I'm told how mean I am. (Like a time out on his bed is really mean....) Breaks my heart, but I figure that if he does this behavior as a teenager or an adult, it would break my heart even more. So, that's my struggle these past 2 weeks. Discipline. I know that the bible tells us that God disciplines His children, but somehow, I still don't like it.

Dominic is busy. Don't know what other word to use to describe him. He's also continued to be cranky this week, due to his ear infection and tooth coming in, I would guess. Either that or the boys conspired to push me to the edge at the same time this week. I'm not sure. They're pretty sneaky when they are together.

The snow is slowly melting-makes me crave spring/summer just a little bit. I don't want it hot, just for the slush to go away and for the temp to be high enough for Dominic to be out and about comfortably. It will come and for now, I will enjoy the boundaries of our house for Dominic!

I can't help but think about April 8th coming closer and closer. Wondering if we will be together as a family that day or not. Wondering if that matters? I recently talked to some families who have lost children and that definately refreshed Alex's last days in my mind and heart. So this upcoming anniversary date is feeling more real and I'm more aware than maybe I would've been without opening up so much. No matter what I feel, the date will still come. That bittersweet day that I said good-bye to my baby, but felt that peace that passes all understanding...that peace that I long for everyday since I felt it. The moment that I knew Alex was with Jesus is something that I will never forget-and something that I long to witness over and over again. Does that make sense? Maybe not, but it can be such a miraculous, peaceful event when someone crosses that bridge to heaven....although I understand completely that for some families, it's not that peaceful. That's why I treasure that date. We were fortunate enough to have the peace and the assurance and the affirmation that all was well in Alex's soul. It can only be a gift in my eyes.

At this moment in time, I'm not afraid of the "anniversary" or the memories coming, but that's not saying that will not change in the next 5 minutes. But for now, I'm at peace and can hopefully remember on that day-the peace and happiness I felt when Alex was cured of his cancer. I didn't want our sweet baby to hurt one more second, even if it meant saying good-bye.

We have a picture of Alex on one of our end tables, that Dominic ALWAYS pulls down. I have started to tell him who that boy is, and even though I have no idea how teaching him about Alex will go, I can only pray that God gives us the words and explanations we need, when we need it. Also, that God would place this unique understanding in Dominic's heart-so that he will grasp Jesus, heaven, and all that our faith entails, just as easily as Isaiah did. There will be so many questions, I imagine, that I pray God will give us the guidance we need to answer them.

I think the boys are asleep now. I think of this saying "Let him sleep, for when he wakes he will move mountains." It's almost like....let the animals sleep, PLEASE, because when they are awake, they go non-stop!!!
So now is my alone time to collect my thoughts and have time to regroup before the chaos starts again tomorrow. And I know that it will....

I have to leave you with this quote I read-and have recieved a few different times through email. It is just so true and I love it. I hope you pass it along throughout your church families, as it will make you think and wonder.....

"Remember....Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian, anymore than standing in your garage doesn't make you a car."

Sunday, March 23, 2008 9:20 PM CDT

Happy Easter to each of you! I hope you were all able to have a bit of joy today as you celebrate all that Christ has done for us.

This was our first Easter (actually first big holiday) without Daniel with us. He is in TX...we are in MN, and it was very different for me. Isaiah is old enough to notice, too, and did tell me he wished he was in Texas. All but one year out of 10, we've been in TX for Easter and we have our little traditions that we weren't able to do this year. But, we made it work.

Church was crazy this morning, with a 10 month old who either wants to crawl under all of the pews, or play "fetch" with the lady sitting behind us by throwing his toys over the back. Isaiah sat good beside a friend, as I was drenched in sweat from trying to balance Dominic on any limb I could. He was just so busy! Being in our home church for Easter was something different in itself, something that made the day start out on a rough foot. (That, and the point that the "Easter bunny" fell asleep last night and forgot to get the baskets together...until Isaiah woke the "Easter bunny" up and she had to find a creative way to get it done.....I'm so ready to be done with all that business!) Anyways, we headed home after church, me....with a huge headache.

After some rest, we went to my parents' house for awhile. The kids had fun dyeing Easter eggs and playing, so that was good. But once we got home....it all broke loose. Dominic was tired, crabby, teething, you name it....crying over everything. Isaiah ran into the wall (he said he was trying to make it to the living room with his eyes closed...and he ran into the wall. WHAT?!) and his front tooth became very loose. I attempted to pull it out, but it wouldn't come. Now he's terrified of it being pulled out....but also of swallowing it in his sleep...and the fact that he thinks he won't be able to eat ANYTHING until it falls out. The only thing that was going to help him feel better, was if daddy was home, is what he said. Yeah. Great. When Isaiah would cry, Dominic would cry. For an hour and a half, at least, I had both kids crying and couldn't seem to comfort either one of them.

Isaiah told me that this is the WORST EASTER EVER! and that he doesn't like this year's Easter! I told him that I had a couple bad Easters too, and he asked me why. I told him that I get sad sometimes on holidays because I miss having Alex with us....when so many other families are full and whole. I told him that I cry, too, on some Easters. He told me that he wished Alex was here, too, and I think he felt better knowing that even mommy cries. (Who am I kidding....he knows I cry all the time!)

When it's all said and done, Daniel and I were able to talk on the phone a bit. I miss him today, mostly because I know how much the boys would love to see him, too. Our sermon today talked about the fact that not only good will come our way....but that Jesus is there with us, no matter what. That was comforting, but sometimes I just want the good for awhile. Not the feeling that I can't help my children feel better....or protect them from everything. I hate the fact that there are kids in 1st grade that can be mean to each other and not think twice about. That there are bullies, that my children face and will face. That colds and loose teeth hurt and I can't make them go away. That something so simple as snuggling with daddy, isn't possible right now. And that even though I can try as hard as I possibly can....I don't have the power over my life that God has. Ironically, I'm thankful for that. What a mess I would make if I had my way all of the time....and my kids had their way all the time. Thankfully, it's written that God forgives our craziness and our desire for control....and loves us for who we are. If it wasn't for Him, I don't know if we'd understand unconditional love.

So, even though this Easter was full of turmoil and sadness in our little family, at the end of the day....it still comes down to Christ. And what He has done for us. That He rose again today....so that we can be joined with Him when it's our time....is what keeps me going. Even through the chaos and heartache, that promise prevails.

Blessings,
Rochelle

Saturday, March 1, 2008 10:01 PM CST

Not much to report in the Bauer household. Daniel sent us a webcam from TX to use while we talk with him. It's pretty neat, but after looking at each other everyday again, I realized he hasn't changed much. He still doesn't listen to me....he's still watching tv or reading something.....maybe I'll stick to the phone! :) The boys love to see dad on the computer and talk to him. When Dominic knows he's on there, he beelines it into the office and reaches up for the computer. When I hold him, he leans WAAAYYYY forward, so that he can touch Daddy's face. It's precious. At first, Isaiah was "calling" Dad every morning when he got up (sometimes that was 6:00, sometimes a little later). I don't know if it's so good to teach these kids technology or not? But, he likes to be able to call dad when he needs that connection. We will be heading down to TX to see him shortly, but not for long. It's been different up here without him, although we won't make the time between visits very long, so that will help. I just haven't been up here for a full winter since Alex was sick. One year out of ten. It's different!

The boys are just keeping me hopping. Between wrestling practice, dr's appts, and just everyday tasks, we are just busy. You'd think that would keep my mind occupied, but it doesn't. This time of year, I remember so much of what Alex went through. My dr. says it's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm just wondering if that will go away one of these years? I hope so. It's almost like I'm sad for 3 months straight and can't shake it. Just like this week/end. I was thinking that MN is having State Wrestling. Well, that leads to the time Daniel brought Isaiah to State Wrestling to visit with some Fertile people who were there watching some of our children wrestle. On one of those days, I heard the news that Alex would not be cured. That he would die. I heard that all by myself, because Daniel was at State Wrestling. I'm not mad about that, I just remember that's why he wasn't there with us. So, the thought of State Wrestling brings back one of the saddest times we had.

Easter coming up is another wonder. Maybe it will go fine? At least it's not on April 8th, like last year. That was just too much. Then the anniversary of his death. All coming up for us. And no matter how much we'd like to forget all the bad, it was a part of his life and somehow we just can't "forget" it. Hopefully one day, our memories will fade to only include the good. One day!

After hearing about the school bus crash in southern MN that killed 4 children, I felt selfish for grieving the loss of Alex. Then I was informed that we will grieve forever and that's okay. I'm just at a different stage than those families. It makes my heart just ache at what those families are facing and have had to deal with. It's just not fair that innocent children get hurt and/or killed.

Just thought it was time for an update. I didn't have anything in particular to share, just that this time of year (seems like I say that alot...) is still difficult. Grief is such a long, long road.

Blessings,
Rochelle

Thursday, February 14, 2008 11:21 PM CST

I did it. I watched Alex's video. It hurt my heart and I cried. I have a heaviness in my chest....an ache that hasn't gone away, but just resurfaced in a way that it hasn't for awhile. I'm just heavy with grief right now.

The beginning of the tape was Alex's baptism. What a way to start off-our public dedication of our baby to God. What I found was ironic, was the song that we chose as Special Music that day after the baptism was done. It was called, "Always Be a Child" by Ray Boltz. Our friend, Dean, sang it and played guitar, along with his daughter on piano. When I listened to the words again, I thought "How true". The chorus says, "You will always be a child in my eyes...." and even though I know that originally means a child in God's eyes, he also will always be a child in my eyes, and Daniel's eyes, and our family's eyes. He will always be a child...

I cried as I watched the different days, the different interactions, and remembered specific dates and why we taped on those days. Flood of memories and of pain as I remembered certain events. I saw some smiles (and Isaiah made me laugh whenever he was included in the video), but mostly saw restlessness. I remember that we kept him comfortable, except for a few times seeing him in some pain or discomfort. I think that what I just watched, was his normal....I just forgot what that normal was like. Having his trach suctioned often, wiggling in his bed, trying to focus his eyes, and the bump on his head (where the shunt was) growing each time, was hard to watch. As I remembered the tough days, the biggest feeling I had when I watched this video, was relief that Alex was in heaven and wasn't in pain or discomfort any longer. As many times (every day) as I wish to go back in time to those hospital days, the video has changed my mind. (At least for awhile) I will stay here in my home, with my boys, and with a forever grieving heart...if that means Alex can be healed and held by Jesus. While watching him wiggle and squirm, I just longed for him to be in heaven. That is DEFINATELY not what I thought I would feel when I prepared to watch this. But, that is what has come of it and that is how I felt. Knowing the outcome, of course, made a difference. But, watching him like that just made my whole being ache for him. Once again, I was wishing, begging, pleading that it could've been me in his place-as most parents would naturally do. I was doing that while watching....even though I knew that he was going to be healed. I'm not making any sense....

Bottom line is this: I mustered up the courage to watch Alex alive again. It wasn't fun, like I thought it would be. It made me miss him more, but it also made me remember how real he was...his cancer was....and the whole situation was. After 3 years, your mind just distorts things. That's why pictures, videos and journaling helps so much. It brings it all back to you.

There's no way that I can describe my feelings completely right now. But, I wanted to share some of my thoughts-maybe some of you will understand. I don't want any of my children to hurt. I fear for that every single minute of every single day, because I saw the extreme in Alex's life. I just pray that one day, we will all be in the comfort of heaven....healed and free from these worldly things.

Rochelle

Saturday, February 9, 2008 9:37 PM CST

I had a melt down tonight about something I don't think I've had before. As I was going through some pictures, sorting and putting them in their piles to be placed somewhere (scrapbook, photo album, whatever), I came across our old camcorder. I believe we got our new one 2 years ago or so. Anyways, I knew that we had taped Alex on there a few times, and I know there's some of him at the hospital. Oh how I longed to see him on there! So, I turned the power on, but it was dead. Off to find the power cord.

I looked, and I looked, and I looked and I looked! I found every single cord for every single thing we've ever owned-old cell phones, mp3 players, calculators, you name it. But no camcorder charger. I had been looking for about 45 minutes or so, and I was starting to get that nervous feeling I get-when I know I won't be able to sleep until I find it. It hits me in my chest area and I start to hurt and get all upset.

So, finally I laid down on the living room floor and just started to cry. And boy did I cry. I thought, "All I want is to see my baby's video again....is that so much to ask for?!" I sent Isaiah in the other room for Daniel and when he came in, I told him I just wanted to see Alex and I was so mad that I couldn't find the power cord! He sat down for a minute and then quietly left the room. I was kinda mad. I mean, I needed him and he just left me alone! I figured he was searching for the cord, so I just started getting stuff cleaned up. A few minutes later, he came downstairs with the cord. I couldn't believe it! Normally, he's the one who can't find anything! He found it in his nightstand, which I DID look in....but I guess not good enough. I hugged him and hugged him. Something so simple, but it meant so much to me.

Just a few minutes ago, I tried to turn the camera on after it'd been charging for about an hour. But, it wasn't ready. So, maybe late tonight or tomorrow I can watch the video of Alex. I know that there's not much on there, but anything is better than nothing. Wow. I'm just missing him so much lately.

Isaiah had his first wrestling tournament today (K-6th graders). Didn't go too well for him, but they were pairing up according to weight, not grade. Some of his friends wrestled 3rd and 5th graders. We don't know how old Isaiah's opponents were, but they were tough. He wanted to quit after losing the first two, but we made him stick it out. After a trip to Happy Joes (the pizza place), he's all better and ready for next weekend's tournament. Funny how they rebound! We figured that after this first tourney, he'd tell us, "Well, I think I'll try basketball." But, he hasn't said that yet! They start so young...I don't remember starting sports so young.

Now I'm rambling. I was scheduled to speak today at a Retreat for other bereaved families, but the roads leading to that town were closed because of the blizzard we got today. I was disappointed, but wondering why God kept me away from that group, when almost everyone else made it there. Hmmmm. I guess it's one of those things I don't really need to know, huh?

Have a blessed Sunday and week. Please say a quick prayer for me, as I have my root canal on Tuesday. I absolutely, positively HATE going to the dentist. But somehow, I always survive. Thanks....

Rochelle

Monday, January 28, 2008 9:41 PM CST

I was in a store the other day, in a town close to ours. I ran into a woman there, who had moved to our city a couple of years ago, but we had never truly met. I knew of her and knew her name, but that was it. Well, we were both in the diaper aisle and just started talking (she didn't know me). I ended up telling her that I knew who she was, but when I told her my name, she didn't know me. She looked at me with a puzzled look.

We kept talking, about formulas, diapers, etc. When we were about to part, she asked me what my name was again, and what my husband's name was. I told her again and she looked at me with big eyes and said, "Did you have Alex?" I said yes, and she said, "Okay, NOW I know who you are!" Our conversation went on from there, finding out she moved to our city when Alex was sick. It was like something clicked when she mentioned Alex.

I had such joy on the way home that I could still be recognized as "Alex's mom"!!! That through him, I was introduced and recognized (by name) to someone new. Even after 3 years. I feel so blessed for having that encounter and for having another opportunity to know that Alex is not forgotten.

Something so small, yet so big to me. No matter what, I'm Alex's mom. Whether he's here or in heaven, he's still my son. He's still Isaiah & Dominic's brother. He's still a grandson to our parents. He's still Alex. He's just in a better place....

I wish I could just touch his hand one more time. Say good morning to him one more time. Sing to him, hug him, kiss him, just even stare at his precious face. But I can't. Instead, I will take that lesson and desire and place it upon Isaiah and Dominic...to remember to cherish those little times, those things we can so easily take for granted. So if Isaiah wants one of us to lay with him at night, is that the end of the world? If Dominic wants his mom over the receptionist at the dental office....is that bad? No. They are still here. They can still be hugged and kissed and stared at. And I will do that for as long as I can.

I have to admit that I'm kinda angry lately at the stories in the news. I mean, dads throwing their kids off of bridges? A mom putting her daughter in a microwave? I can't say aloud what I would like to do to those parents who could hurt their child, eventually killing them. There are no words for that, and I'm upset with those situations. Most of the time, I don't even watch the news. However, I've been hit with a few blizzards and storms unexpectedly because of not watching tv, so I am trying to find a balance. :)

Anyways, enjoy your children. If they are here, hug & kiss them and tell them that you love them. Even if they roll their eyes. Just because you can....when some parents cannot.

Rochelle

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 9:04 PM CST

I'm not sure why I'm being led here tonight, but we'll see what comes up in this entry.

This past weekend was a nerve-wracking time for Daniel & I. He's been having pain under his ribs (right side mainly), so we thought he may have gallstones. Last Friday he had an ultrasound because he had to leave for Idaho the next day. We (including the dr) were certain it was his gallbladder.

Well, it turned out that there were no stones found, but there was some suspicious "spot" somewhere between his liver and pancreas....closer to his pancreas, I believe. It was in a vein and they could even measure it. But, they didn't know what it was. Okay.....I stayed calm. Daniel was calm. What do we do next? The dr. told Dan he could not leave for Idaho the next day, because this needed to be taken care of now, not in a couple of weeks. So, the earliest ct scan appt he could get was Monday morning (remember, this was Friday afternoon-around 3:30). We were disappointed, but understood. Then we were sent home.

Getting in the car, I knew Daniel was nervous. I thought "I'm going to be the strong one this weekend and help him through his feelings. Yep. That's what I'm going to do." Before we even got home, I was in tears. I cried for about a half an hour at least, just sobbing. Daniel reminded me that it was only 2 days past the 3 year mark that Alex was flown to Children's (he didn't have to remind me...of course I remembered). And now we were facing my husband's health. I was a basket case. All weekend, we were barely with each other because we were so irritable and anxious, it was just better we were apart! As the days went on, so did my thoughts.

What if he has cancer? What if it's in his pancreas? What am I going to do without him? What treatments will he have? What if it's a blood clot? What if it travels more and bursts? Will we have warning? What am I going to do without my best friend? I just didn't know. Alot of people probably thought that we were thinking the worst, when we didn't need to be. But, when you've been shocked out of your pants before....you try to prepare to NOT be shocked like that again. It's almost like we want to beat the "surprise" of anything bad coming....so it doesn't hurt so bad. So, all weekend, I was planning our life for the next year or so. Certain there was something terribly wrong with my husband.

The ct scan came and went, and as we waited throughout the day for his dr.'s appt, I felt calmer. The devotion that was emailed to us that morning was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. It was about how we are all jars of clay, broken and chipped. But through all of our hardships, God is shining through. (I know that I wrote about that passage before....was it just the last entry? I can't remember) The ironic things abou that whole passage (which is longer) is that I clung to that while Alex was sick. After Pastor Carl first introduced me to that scripture message, I was at much more peace. Talking about how we are crushed, perplexed, etc, but not destroyed. Almost like we will/can be pushed to our very limits.....but God will never let us down. He's always there to make sure we aren't destroyed in the process of creating our souls into who God wants us to be. On Monday (and throughout the weekend), that was exactly how I felt. Pushed once again, to the limit....wondering what our future was going to hold. Pain? Heartache? Trauma? Frustration? or was it going to be Relief? Praise? Thankfulness? As I thought about that, I know that we would come around and thank God and praise Him no matter what the dr's found on Dan's ct.

Well, after a long afternoon, we finally got the results back and all was normal. We couldn't quite grasp that, because we were so prepared to hear the opposite. It was so normal in fact, that this radiologist said that the previous spot (which measured 3 cm) was not present and he has no explaination for that. Where did it go? What was it? Is it still inside Dan? Nobody knows. No one has the answer because it disappeared. Hmmmmmm.....

Relief flooded over Daniel right away, but it took me awhile to believe it and change gears. Dan still has some dull pain, so there will probably be more tests done in the future, but as for now, we know THAT part of his body is healthy! Praise God from Whom ALL blessings flow....

So was all that worry and anxiety for nothing? I don't really think so. I think it was another one of those "wake up calls" I need (and Dan maybe needs) every once in awhile. The one that hits us over the head to lead us back in the right direction. For some reason, the past two weeks or so, have been hard for me. Hard for me to look to God for anything. I don't know why. I haven't figured it out yet, but know that I'm back in the right direction and I hope to find out what my problem was. The gracious thing is that God was there waiting for me to come to Him. All weekend we had to wait for that ct scan....and we had all weekend to rely on His strength. Coincidence?

Still, those wake up calls can hurt. They test you, once again, to the core of your being.....where you don't always want to go.

I have to tell you that after I was crying for that 1/2 hour right away, I was literally on the floor crying in Dominic's room. Sobbing. After that passed I remembered something my "laundry lady" friend, Tracie, says. I told myself to quit crying, to pull up those big girl panties and take care of my family. So, up off the floor I went, back to being a human being again instead of a puddle on the floor. Tracie, I could just hear you....and your voice told me that if YOU can do what you are doing, I could at LEAST make it through the weekend. And I did. In one piece.

So of course, it was right back to work for Daniel and he had to book a flight out to Idaho the next day (today). No more down time-time to get back in the game of life for him, too. I'm sure he is just thankful that he is able to work and do his normal life routine. I dropped him off at the airport today and life was back to normal. Well, "our" normal, that is!

I guess I was supposed to tell you how God, once again, carried us through another crisis. And where did that spot go? Only God knows....because He took care of it for Daniel. Living proof again, that prayer works.

Have a blessed week-
Rochelle

Tuesday, January 8, 2008 8:59 PM CST

Well, Christmas came and went, of course. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would (although the tears came in private) and I did actually smile, laugh, and have a pretty good time. We had my family over to our house on Christmas Day, and just as I was doing some last minute cleaning, Daniel and Isaiah decided to go in to the cemetary. I was so upset that I hadn't finished my work so I could go with them, but then realized that maybe it'd be okay for me to just go alone...and have some time talking to my baby. So after the families left, I had my time with Alex. You'd think it'd get easier, but I miss him more than ever.

As usual, the holiday comes and goes fairly well, and then I'm left to pick up the pieces of my life again...and my grief. How many times have I said that the actual day goes okay, it's the after? Yep, that's what's happening even now. I'm in the valley but feel I'm slowly coming up out of it. Smiling is tough lately. Talking is even harder. There are a select few that I can really talk to and show my emotions....and the rest of the world gets my attempts at happiness. I do try. It just doesn't seem to work sometimes.

I've been talking to another mom lately who has recently lost her son. We have so much in common, which makes us laugh, but inside, we are both feeling the common pain a mother feels when they lose their child. Talking to someone like her and being able to be as graphic and open as I want to with my feelings, is a freeing feeling. However, it's also tough to fully open those wounds again. I haven't truly done that with more than 2 other people that I can think of. It's just too painful.

While thinking about this other mom, I find myself wondering what to tell her? She asked me if it gets better. I don't know. At the moment, I don't feel like it. But in my heart I know it does. I know that there are many, many days and weeks that my heart is happy and light and remembering Alex in such a wonderful, blessed way. Then there are the days like this, when the pain hurts so bad...and when I'd give anything in my power to be back at Children's with Alex alive again....these days when it feels like I haven't improved one bit. I know it's a lifelong journey now, but I am really tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually tired. God's strength is all I have. Ironically, it's all I need.

It's times like these when I think about the speaking I've done about my losses and my life. I wonder why in the world would anyone ask me to talk aloud? Share my feelings aloud? Is it because there are more people than we think, who are hurting inside? Who can't let it out? Who go through this rollercoaster of emotions throughout their life and think that maybe something's wrong with that? The Beatitudes say, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Etc..." We are being blessed even though we mourn, feel poor in spirit at one time or another, or perhaps we are meek. God will bless us for showing our weaknesses and being honest with our feelings. Not hiding behind something to make us appear different. There's no shame in hurting. There's no shame in feeling sad over a loss...a loss of anything for that matter. There's no shame if you have Jesus in your life. He took that all away.

As the holiday passed, I was feeling frustrated that I can still be so sad after almost 3 years. When talking to someone who's grief is so fresh, I felt selfish to have the feelings I have. But, I'm human. This hole in my heart hasn't gotten any smaller over time...it hasn't been covered up with anything...it hasn't healed. It's still there, and every once in awhile it flares up and reminds me how painful grief is. To be honest, I think it's an okay thing for that to happen. It gives me more compassion and empathy as I continue to talk to others who are losing or have lost loved ones. Could it be that God is turning this into something good? "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) Hmmmmmm.......

Rochelle

****This part added on Wednesday****

I woke up to this devotional in my email. I couldn't believe how much it correlated with what I just journaled about. I have to share it with you~so read on if you wish!

"Radiant Certainty
by Jon Walker

�I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.� (John 16:20-22 NIV)

There are some days when, frankly, I don�t feel much like worshiping God. There are probably more days like that than I�d care to admit.

But usually those are days when I�m staring at my circumstances and making faithless judgments about what I see around me. And I struggle with the God-truth that he is in the circumstances surrounding my life � all the circumstances.

Have you ever considered that heartbreak is part of God�s �plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future�? (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV) We put so much energy into avoiding the hurt, when God would have us embrace it. He wants us to know he can heal our hurts, even use them for his benefit. He wants us to faithfully believe that the circumstances we think are harming us are actually positive situations God is engineering.

God, who is omnipotent, sees the breadth and depth of our circumstances, and he knows his plans for our lives. Thinking, then, like Christ, we can slowly � perhaps ever so slowly � begin to understand that avoiding the pain in our lives is actually an act of faithlessness. God calls us to faith in him during difficult circumstances; we�d rather place our faith in avoiding the circumstances.

As always, Jesus shows us the way � because he is the Way. Jesus embraced the pain of God�s plan for his life, and he did it with full faith that God was still working the plan to bring a �hope and a future� to your life and mine. (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV) Christ was so sure his grief would turn to joy that he showed a radiant certainty in God�s faithfulness (�Radiant certainty� is a phrase William Barclay uses to describe the attitude of Jesus at the Last Supper).

Our Brother Jesus, who is also our King, was heading into a crisis that would cost him his life, yet he was so certain � radiantly certain � of God�s faithfulness that not one of his disciples even discerned the gravity of the crisis! Jesus was so certain of God�s faithfulness that it radiated throughout his whole being.

And we also can have this radiant certainty about God�s hand in our lives. We can say, when it comes to God�s faithfulness, �I know because I know that I know.� That�s radiant certainty! The cross was Christ�s glory, not his penalty � and the same is true of difficult circumstances in our lives.

What now?

� God�s faithful character � You will develop this radiant certainty in God when you learn to trust in his faithful character. Your daily worship of God is irrevocably tied to your faith in God.

� Praise God anyway � You must choose to praise and worship God every day, no matter what the circumstances of your life. Developing a radiant certainty in God begins with simple steps of faith and obedience.

� Respond to God, not your circumstances � When faced with a painful or difficult circumstance, ask God, �How do you want me to respond to this?� Keep your eyes wise for the �Why me?� traps that lie about your circumstances.

� You can be radiantly certain of this: Difficult circumstances are opportunities for you to intentionally focus your faith in God and see what he will do to give you hope and healing."

I don't know about any of your situations right now, but this message was right on in my life right now. As always, just when I feel hopeless and alone....God provides direction.

Sunday, December 23, 2007 9:53 PM CST

As I was driving to the store yesterday, I caught myself just content. As I daydreamed about Christmas Eve and Christmas Day coming up, I thought, "Wow. Maybe I won't be sad this year. Maybe this is the year it will all change and my grief won't be so hurtful." I seriously believed that and I even pictured myself just laughing and smiling and enjoying Christmas.

Yeah. Ten minutes later, I was crying. I was driving the same road I brought Dominic on the night he was flown to Minneapolis. Daniel had the boys and was going to meet me in an hour or so, to give me Dominic while he took Isaiah to a movie. Then Dominic and I would go home, so he wouldn't have to be out in the cold. When I mentioned those plans to Daniel, he said, "No way! I remember doing that with Alex before he got sick." He was right. It was my birthday (January 2nd) and I was going to a movie with his sister. Daniel and Isaiah were out and about, so we met a few miles out of the town we were going to, and Daniel took the boys home with him. It was blazing cold out that day-and snowing, if I remember right. He remembered that day, and didn't want to relive it, I guess.

We went with our plans anyways, but in the back of my mind, I remembered what he was just talking about. How something so little like that, just sparks memories of Alex that are just too precious to duplicate. Does that make sense? So, as I'm driving, I hear the song, "He's My Son" by Mark Schultz. The song I had written on Alex's site just shortly after his admission to Children's. As I listened to it, I just cried. I wondered again where it all went wrong. When all the hope I had seemed to cease for awhile. When our prayers just weren't answered the way we begged God to answer them. The nights I just pleaded with God to let me take Alex's place-before his surgeries, during his restlessness, during his chemo, his scans, his exams, everything. Where did it all go wrong? At this moment, as I'm typing, I hear inside my head, "It didn't go all wrong....it went exactly how God planned it. It went according to His perfect plan...I just didn't see His plan." Okay, God....I get it.

So, now as I have been home this weekend, I have been holding Dominic-staring at his precious face...wanting to memorize it in case something unexpected happens. I have been hugging Isaiah more, just so that I know in my heart that I have shown him love from his mommy. Because I don't know God's perfect plan for my life...or for my family's life....and I just want to be as prepared as I can for those turns in the road.

As I think about Christmas now, I'm not as excited. I'm back to thinking about the missing face at the table. The missing son in our family picture in front of the Christmas tree. The missing presents for one of our children. Just the incompleteness of grief.

Christmas, as well as every other holiday, still comes whether I'm sad or not. And I always make it through them. I'm just not picturing that laughing, smiling Rochelle that I did yesterday. Who knows....maybe some smiles and laughs are in God's perfect plans for me this Christmas, and I just don't know it yet!

Love to you all,
Rochelle

Friday, December 14, 2007 0:44 AM CST

I'm taken aback tonight by a picture I saw just a few minutes ago. I can't seem to shake the feelings I immediately had as I thought about all that picture said.

I came across another caringbridge site (seems to happen quite often in the "caringbridge world") tonight about a man who has recently passed away. He left behind a wife and two children. As I read about how the wife is trying to deal with the grief she has, and be a parent at the same time, I was saddened. She mentioned the desire to just have a day or two by herself so she could just cry and "cry hard". But the day hasn't come for her. Her kids and the world keep her busy. (There have been many times since Alex died that I have wanted a day like that. Sometimes I do get that time alone, but mostly I don't.)

I decided to check out the photos on the photo page. I saw the family together at a zoo. The next picture was of the father and his two children. They were all wearing similar necklaces and showing them off. The caption said that they were necklaces the father had picked out. It made me wonder if he picked them out knowing he was going to be leaving them....and that they would have something special between themselves? I don't know. One can only guess at the motive behind that one.

The last photo is the one that stuck by me. It was the father with his two children, doing a project together. I couldn't tell what the project was, but the table was covered in newspaper, so it must've been a messy one! You could sort-of tell the father maybe didn't feel so good? Just a guess....And the caption mentioned that one of the children had been wanting to do this project for a long time. So, now they were doing it together.

What stuck with me, was that they took the time together to do this "project"...no matter how messy or how time consuming...they took the time. I felt convicted, I guess, wondering how many times I think there will be "tomorrow" to do that-particularly something with my kids. Most of the time I do believe I have tomorrow to live. But, what if my time was limited? Like this father? Would I clean my house? Would I be sewing last minute Christmas program costumes instead of snuggling with Isaiah at bedtime? Would I be stressing about this upcoming weekend? Or would I just sit with my children and read to them. Hug them, tickle them, and give them all of my undivided attention?

This afternoon when Isaiah got home from school, I was busy with something I have to have done by this weekend. I was overwhelmed and stressed. Then Isaiah brought out his library books from school today and wanted me to look at one with him. I wondered how I was going to finish my work, but instead, sat down with him to see this special book he picked out. I tickled him and I laughed with him. All the while, my "work" was in the back of my mind, but I wondered how to put that in front of my child? I hadn't seen Isaiah much the past two days because Dan and I were away for a night. How do I tell Isaiah that I can't look at a book with him, when I have hardly seen him?! After seeing that picture a few moments ago and reading the caption, I felt so thankful that I took that time with Isaiah.

I'm just saddened for children who lose their parents. Yet, I am even sadder (is that a word?!) for the children who live with the abuse from a parent. The stories I've read lately in the news have haunted me at night. Wondering how a child can live through some of the situations just eats away at me. I don't understand how some families don't understand the precious gifts they are given. And then they beat them with belts, hold their heads under the bath water, and throw them across the room. I just don't understand. What about the father I just read about? I would guess he would've given anything for another day to hug his children.

I just had to journal about what I felt seeing that picture. Knowing that all time stops when you focus on your child and focus on what is most important in your life at the moment. A lesson I'm repeatedly reminded of.

Rochelle

Sunday, December 9, 2007 10:13 PM CST

I can't believe we have a 7-year-old! Isaiah had his 7th birthday yesterday and it just doesn't seem like it's been 7 years since his birth-I can remember every moment. I love to think back to the births of our children and recall all that took place during those times. Miracles right before our very eyes.

Even though I told myself that I would NOT become stressed this Christmas, it's happening! I think this weekend with birthday parties and outings, and this next week with Christmas programs and get-togethers, it will just be chaos. But I've been trying to remind myself to just take time out to enjoy our boys and our time together. Tonight, the four of us were just in our little office, playing and talking and just hanging out. I had tons of laundry, lots of things to put away, pencil shavings to vaccuum off the floor (Isaiah....), and so much more I had on my list. But, I enjoyed those 2 hours more than ever-just being in close quarters and together. Sounds corny, I suppose, but in the middle of all my hustle and bustle, I am determined to not overlook my family this year! I don't know if I have the other years, but sometimes it feels like it, you know? Maybe I just feel detached when I have so much on my mind. But tonight, it all went away-if even just for a short time.

Dominic is trying so hard to crawl! I know that once he gets it down, we'll be running our tails off! He is the snoopiest baby-has to see what's going on all around him. It's so fun to see and we just laugh at his curiosity. Isaiah has been alot better about his baby brother lately, after going through that jealousy bout. I made a conscious effort to not bring Dominic's name into my reasons for Isaiah to wait for me-so I hope that helped. Now Isaiah just gets irritated with me instead of Dominic! The joys of being the only child for so much of his life!

With Christmas creeping up on us, we've been thinking so much about the families who are away from home during the holidays. The families with a child in the hospital (or other family member), the families at Ronald McDonald Houses across the country, and all those who can't be exactly where they want to be. I hope that they are able to just look past the "location" and enjoy some family time together. Like we learned while being in Minneapolis for 3 months-home is definately where your heart is. If your heart is where it's supposed to be, it just doesn't matter where you are, does it? Maybe that's just our opinion...but I hope it helps someone to feel better about their circumstances.

I know Christmas will be tough once again for us, but I also know that we will sure be enjoying the moments with Dominic and Isaiah, too. How can we not be excited for them-all the while trying so hard to teach them (well, Isaiah for now) the reason for the season? I hope deep in my heart, Isaiah "gets it" and realizes what we are really celebrating. And because of that special birth, we have hope to see Alex and our families again. Without Him, where would we be?

I hope you can take time out during these last weeks before Christmas and enjoy the season! I know that stress just creeps up and grabs you when you least expect it-at least that's what it does for me!

Blessings to each of you,
Rochelle

Thursday, November 22, 2007 10:13 PM CST

I survived another holiday. It was bittersweet for me today, as I celebrated Thanksgiving with our families. It's hard to celebrate with everyone who has their families intact, when my heart is broken. When I visibly see an empty spot in our family, where Alex's body was. I was excited for Dominic to be with us this year, as I was so sickly pregnant last Thanksgiving! But, as the day approached, I found my anxiety and sadness growing. Knowing that once again, we would face a holiday without our son.

I know that life goes on. I know time has gone on. I know that other people, even family members, go on with their lives. But, somehow, mine stops again when I'm faced with these gatherings. I think subconsciously I wanted to just avoid Thanksgiving altogether, because I knew these feelings of emptiness and longing would come. But somehow, I was brought to both family gatherings. I don't expect anyone else to understand what I'm feeling, unless you are living it, too. But there's this overwhelming feeling of sadness when I see other families enjoying their holidays....together. When I want so desperately to be able to do that, too, with our family intact. There are many silent tears cried on holidays, I'm afraid, by many people who are missing their loved ones during these celebrations. To many, the empty place at the table or even beside them, is just so real. Yet, there are many walking around who aren't even aware of what we are missing. I can't blame them for that, because it's not their heart that has a gaping hole-that won't seem to close. I know it never will close, but I hope some year the pain during these times won't be so hard to face.

As much as I anticipate the horror of holidays, I have to admit that I did enjoy some of the day today. I felt like I didn't want to share Dominic sometimes, and just wanted to hide in another room and snuggle with him. (Isaiah won't snuggle much anymore...so that's why I said Dominic!) I just want a day when our family of 5 is together and complete. Yet, I know that day won't come while we're on this earth. That's a hard one to swallow. But, I'm forced to.

I hear Dominic crying, which most of the time is music to my ears when I'm feeling this way. I'm still "needed" by one of my boys...and I cherish that! What will happen to me as my boys grow up?

I hope you all were able to enjoy your Thanksgiving Day. I'm sure many of you are missing a special person and were fighting tears...and some of you were just relishing in the fact that your family is altogether in one place. No matter what the circumstances, know you're never alone. That's what gets me by....

Rochelle

Sunday, November 11, 2007 8:39 PM CST

I recieved this poem by Maya Angelou by email from a couple of different people. I thought it was so very true, that I wanted to share it with any of you who still check Alex's site. Let me know what you think....

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'"
I'm whispering "I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian" I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain..
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

I think that deserves an Amen...
Rochelle

Saturday, October 27, 2007 11:53 PM CDT

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
would care to know my name....would care to
feel my hurt?

Who am I, that the bright and morning star
would choose to light the way...for my ever-
wandering heart?

Not because of who I am...but because of
what You've done. Not because of what I've
done...but because of Who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading...here today
and gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean,
a vapor in the wind. Still You hear me when I'm
calling...you catch me when I'm falling...and
You tell me who I am....I am Yours.

Who am I, that the eyes that have
seen my sin would look on me with love...and
watch me rise again?

Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
would call out through the rain...
and calm the storm in me?

Not because of who I am...but because of
what You've done. Not because of what I've done...
but because of Who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading...here today
and gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean,
a vapor in the wind. Still You hear me when I'm
calling...you catch me when I'm falling...and
You tell me who I am....I am Yours.

Whom shall I fear?
I am Yours....

As performed by Casting Crowns....Who speak for all of us. I'm constantly asking "Who am I"...but whisper to God...."I am Yours"....

Tuesday, October 16, 2007 8:23 PM CDT

Alex's birthday went by so quickly....alot going on that particular day and throughout the weekend. I suppose that is a good thing, huh? Daniel, Isaiah and I went to a concert that night (Brad Paisley, Rodney Atkins & Taylor Swift) with some friends. Daniel and I kinda felt like duds, as we just weren't into it, but I think everyone understood. Being Isaiah was with us, we left shortly after Brad Paisley began singing (he was last) to get home at a decent time for school the next day. I found out the next day from our friends that soon after we left, Brad Paisley sang a song (don't know the name right now), and he played a slide show of various memorials to people. They all said that it was a good thing we left, or we sure would've after that...they thought it was pretty emotional. You know me and music...I would've lost it. I just smiled at how God protected my heart that night. I was sitting there during one of the very first songs by Taylor Swift...just crying in the dark...wondering where I could go to just be alone and cry. I was baffled at how I was going through the motions that night, but not really "there". I wanted to have fun, but just couldn't get my heart to feel the same way. So, I sat in the dark, so no one could see me...when I just wanted to run away for awhile and hide.

We sent balloons and kisses up to Alex...and left his white roses and birthday balloons at his grave. It was quicker out there this year, as it was so cold and windy! I guess I can't take the cold as much as I used to be able to. I'm sure Alex knew he was on our minds all day long, as usual...

Sometimes when I'm so sad, I just envision Jesus just holding my hand and wiping my tears. This past week I heard the song "When God Ran" by Phillips, Craig & Dean. I want to share the chorus with you...even though the song is about turning from God and then coming back to Him, just the chorus itself makes me long to be in the presence of Him, who can comfort me. It sings...

And then He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to chest, said "My son's come home again"
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,
"Son, do you know I still love you?"
He caught me by surprise when God ran....

We were just a Visitation for a family friend last night and when I got home, I listened to this song a few times and imagined that family and their hurt right now. No matter how old the person is, saying good-bye to them is not what you want to have to do. But as I think of each of the family's involved, I just picture Jesus wiping the tears from their eyes and taking them all in His arms. What comfort I pray that family feels during this time of grief....

Uffda. Even though Norwegians are known to be so stoic, I don't feel like it right now. My emotions are on my sleeve, and there's not much I can do about that if I want to be real to myself. So, I will trudge on....getting by as I sneak into our boys' rooms to stare at them as they sleep...thanking God that they are healthy and that they are here to hold.

Thanks for the notes on Alex's birthday....you can never know how much it means to us to have his special dates acknowledged.....

Rochelle

Thursday, October 11, 2007 7:45 AM CDT

Happy Birthday Alex~

It's 3 years almost to the minute since I first saw your precious face. When the dr. told me that you were a boy, I just couldn't believe it~I was so excited to give Isaiah a brother and to have two boys to keep me busy. After all that bedrest and labor, you were finally here. I will never forget the joy of that day....

But somehow, today isn't very joyful for me, sunshine. Even though I have great memories of the miracle that happened on October 11th, 2004, I have a heaviness in my heart today....because you aren't physically here for me to hold. I want to hug you and kiss you and watch you play....but instead, I just have shattered dreams of what might have been. I miss you so much, Alex....words just can't describe it. I'm so sad that you aren't here and there's not much that can make me feel better about that fact. The tears just fall....

Isaiah is ready to celebrate your birthday and we will be sending kisses up to heaven for you...I know you will get them, as you do each time we do that. I feel your presence today and I thank God for the angel we have with us, to help us face these tough moments. He is so good and faithful to provide that comfort for us. It makes me wonder how good He is to you? I'm sure I can't even fathom it, can I, Alex? I picture you sitting on Jesus' lap, smiling up at Him....and you two just know how much I need that image....

So, today we will try to celebrate your birth...knowing that even though you have been taken from both my womb and from my arms in such a short amount of time...you are so, so happy and healthy in heaven. And as much as I miss you, there's truly nothing I wish more for you...than to be in the presence of Jesus.

I see you smiling as all the angels are celebrating with you....that smile that will never leave my heart...and I know deep down in my soul, that you are happy. So, my chin will go up now, sweetheart...and I will survive another day without you, not on my own strength, but on God's.

You know you are my sunshine....

Love you....
Mommy

Wednesday, October 3, 2007 9:49 PM CDT

The tears are falling tonight. As each day goes by lately, more sadness comes. I've had more opportunities this past week or so to talk about Alex and his life, and maybe that (along with his birthday on the 11th) is what is bringing the tears to flow freely again. I don't know.
It's almost as if each day, week, month, etc. can bring realizations of what we will miss not having Alex here. Like Dominic trying to roll over....or teething...and realizing I never saw Alex roll and I never saw his teeth. I know that there will be many, many more instances when I will think to myself about what we are missing with one of our children being gone.

I have always wondered if people would think we were trying to replace Alex with another baby....I knew in my heart of hearts that we never could even attempt that task-and mentally couldn't even fathom it, as each of our children are so completely differnt, it's just funny. However, I do know for a fact that there are people out there who do think that way about us and other parents in our situation. I can't help but think as Isaiah and Dominic are accomplishing things at their different ages, that we will never see Alex do those very things....meet those very milestones. Once again, it's the loss of a dream...of a part of our lives that will never heal completely. Right now Dominic has exceeded anything that Alex had ever done, and I think that hurts me to think about what we will miss with Alex. Thankfully, we can still be so joyful and excited with Isaiah and Dominic's accomplishments....because we realize how precious they are and how lucky we are to see each of them. Even though some days are still extremely hard for me, I do believe that each day is a gift.....and I will try my best to appreciate life.

I was looking at Alex's pictures tonight and can just relive some of the moments. I've been thinking alot about the day we had to tell Isaiah that Alex was going to die. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to do (up until Alex's actual death)....and I still feel the guilt and hurt I had as I tore Isaiah's world apart. He pushed me away from him as I tried to hold him, I think because he was mad at me for telling him that information. That one act of Isaiah's broke my heart and I hope that one day he can forgive me for that. If I could've changed it, I would have. And I believe I did try with all of my might and all of my soul. Sometimes I guess I feel like I failed...because I couldn't help him. I know deep down that it's not my fault, but sometimes it can feel that way. As I talked to a lady today about all the appts I brought Alex to before he was diagnosed, I was wishing I would've been more persistent, more assertive, and trusted my instincts more. But I wasn't confident in my feelings at the time....and always wonder what I could've done differently...and would it have saved him? I'll never know, but it's something I think about from time to time.

On the flip side, I also shared with others this week about how happy I am that he is in heaven (Confusing...I know....how I can feel both sides of the coin at the same time!)...that his salvation is fulfilled and that I can rest knowing he is in the most wonderful place I could ever imagine.

Thinking about this month, there will be alot of focus on Alex in my weeks to come. I talked about him and my miscarriages to a group of women yesterday, his birthday is next Thursday, I will talk about him some the next week to another group, and the NEXT week, Dan and I will be going to the Mercy Me concert. Mercy Me is now one of our favorites groups....as we had two of their songs at Alex's Prayer Service and at his funeral. "Homesick" and "I Can Only Imagine" I can "only imagine" how emotional that concert will be for me....but good, too. So, this month will be emotional, I'm sure...and maybe I'll need some extra journaling time...I don't know.

Well, I guess I had to vent. My tears are now dried and maybe I can move on to another task this evening. We'll see.

Missing my sweet baby....
Rochelle

Sunday, September 30, 2007 0:06 AM CDT

It's official...there's just not enough time in the day. If only I didn't need sleep, I could maybe catch up. (Even though sleeping has always been one of my favorite things to do!) Somehow the days just fill up. Looking at the month of October, there's just so much to prepare for and I think it will be a very mentally exhausting month for me. But, it's good to be busy, too!

Daniel and I had our 10th Anniversary this past Thursday. Can't hardly believe it's been that long....and we joke that we can't hardly believe we've made it this far! :) I admit that he's a pretty good guy to be married too. He was home later in the evening that night after driving truck all day, so we didn't do anything special. Today we went out on a date....and it was nice to play "wife" for awhile! After a few hours though, I was missing the boys. Crazy, I know....

Dominic and Isaiah have been sick this week. Dominic with his first runny nose and Isaiah was home for 2 1/2 days with fever and sore throat. They seem much better this weekend.

There's just not much to report....I have really been thinking of Alex's birthday alot lately. Also, I have been doing some things on the computer and one was writing out part of Alex's life (for a project of mine)....it's an exhausting task to do, because it brings up so many feelings and it all seems so real again. I've had a hard time with including my innermost feelings, because I don't always want them on the surface. But, no matter what, they're still there. We were planning on going to a concert (Dan, Isaiah, and I...with some friends) the night of Alex's birthday. But as it comes closer, I feel guilty doing something different on his special day. So, I'm trying to figure out a plan for the day that will help me feel better. All that....over a birthday, huh?

I'd better try and get some sleep. My work is very far from being done tonight, but the sad thing is....it'll still be there tomorrow. No cleaning fairies stop at my house, I'm afraid.

Enjoy your fall weather...and hug your kids tight....you never know how long you have them for....

Rochelle

Monday, September 17, 2007 9:05 PM CDT

I have to tell you all that I FINALLY got some pictures of Dominic on the internet for you to view! Yea!! It took me so long to get to it, and I don't know why. Anyways, the link to myphotoalbum.com is below the entry. I hope you enjoy seeing our newest blessing...

Days are busy, of course. Tonight was especially hard for me, as a mom. With Dan gone, it was getting both kids to bed~and both happened to be ready at the same time. So, as Dominic was crying and fussing in his crib, Isaiah was sad and tearful in his bed. I was back and forth, back and forth, trying to be there for both boys. It wasn't working so well....but I tried my best. Isaiah just hugged me one time as I was leaving and said he wondered why I always had to leave him to do things with Dominic. Of course, my heart tore some as I explained to him that Dominic is a baby...and doesn't understand that mommy is just in the other room. He needs to see me sometimes to know that he's not all alone. I said that Isaiah is almost 7 and KNOWS I'm right outside his door. I know he was missing his dad, and I just couldn't seem to do anything right for him. Chalk it up to one of those parenting issues that we have....trying to make each child feel as special and as loved as the other. I'm sure many of you are nodding as I write this, remembering a time this has happened to you. I don't know why it is bothering me so much tonight. Hmmmm

I had the opportunity to talk about Alex to someone new the other day. I was so happy to tell his story (in a nutshell) and just remember how blessed we were to have him for 6 months and how blessed we were that we could prepare ourselves for giving him back to the Lord. I see many times how accidents or illnesses can just take a child so suddenly....and I just hurt for those parents who have no warning. It's excruciating no matter what, but I just felt lucky to have time to do all I wanted to do with him. My heart is hurting for him tonight, even though I feel so blessed. I read in a book one time about grief and it's like the saying, "I wished I had shoes, until I met the man without any feet." Which to me means that I thought our loss was tough, until I meet another family who has had a rougher road. But in the book it also states, "But frankly, in the middle of the winter, I still want my shoes." In the middle of the sadness, I still want Alex. No matter how blessed or how lucky I feel, I still want him here to hold. Does that make ANY sense? I don't know...

Please pray for all the families who are facing a loss of a child...who may be preparing for one, or who may have just lost their child suddenly. Whichever way it goes....how warm the summer can be...us parents still want "our shoes"....

Monday, September 3, 2007 2:08 AM CDT

Missing Alex tonight....He's been on my mind even more lately. I was thinking earlier today that it's almost 2 1/2 years since we've seen him. I don't like that fact. I didn't really want time to go on without him, because it just didn't seem like it should. But no matter what...it does. I remember the day Alex died and I was talking to one of the ladies at the Funeral Home on the phone. She told me that she had lost a child and it had been 20 years ago. I couldn't believe it....20 years? I hadn't been away from Alex for more than 12 hours yet and she had been away from her son for 20 years? I didn't understand how the time would pass. And here we are.

I was on the computer tonight and recieved an email from myphotoalbum.com, where I had posted pictures of our family after Alex died. As some of you may have found out (by going on there later), I didn't keep it active, so our pictures went into the "attic". Tonight, I took them back out so I could add pictures of Dominic to them to share with you (maybe I can get them on there this week?). As I watched the slideshows of our time with Alex, I just cried. I want to see him again and hold him again and I want Dominic to know his brother. The other day, Isaiah, Dominic and I were sitting on the chair together. Above that chair is a large family picture of us with Alex. Isaiah stood up and started pointing to us on the picture, telling Dominic who was who. I was so sad that he won't know Alex except through our memories. Somehow that doesn't seem fair to him. Isaiah said told Dominic that he has "two big brothers...."~how do you begin to explain that to a child when he grows? How did we even bring up the topic of heaven to Isaiah? How long did it take for him to understand? Isaiah had a tough lesson he learned that makes heaven and Jesus so very real to him....how do we do that with Dominic? I know the words will come at the right time, I'm just doubting my ability to teach another child the love of Christ.

Alex's birthday is approaching in early October. I know it's still a month away, but the memories of his birth are so precious to remember. I was talking with some women the other day about the births of our children...and how many details we can remember. Just like they were yesterday! As his birthday approaches, the joy comes back, but also the sorrow that he's not here for us to hold.

I said earlier that I don't like that 2 1/2 years have gone by. I don't like that time just goes on without him. But at the same time, I'm thankful that time does somehow help me learn to live with the pain that I know will never go away. We've learned to live with that ache in our hearts~even though it doesn't lessen and it doesn't vanish~we're learning how to live with that inside of us. God is so good at helping us with that.

I guess I still ask "Why" sometimes.... I don't understand the purpose of cancer and of other illnesses. I try not to dwell on that question because the answer doesn't really matter....it still happened. But in the dead of the night, like right now, the question still comes.

As I live each day with our children....and as I hear of other families who are struggling....my heart breaks because we know some of the pain they are facing and dealing with. These things shouldn't happen...but they do. I guess if others can look at us and see that we are still living....maybe they can have some hope to survive, too. I don't know....

Just had to share my thoughts.....

Rochelle

Wednesday, August 15, 2007 10:44 PM CDT

The days have been even busier than before. What did it feel like to be "bored" again? I won't know for a long time, I guess! (which is good....)

Isaiah has been in the truck with Daniel most of the week hauling honey to Iowa. He seems to love going with him and being able to lay in the sleeper and watch movies, etc. They are leaving again in the morning...so this time I'm going to pack some HEALTHY food for them! I don't want to hear about all the pop, chips and Chinese food they've been eating! Daniel requested a good 'ole sandwich and Isaiah wanted fruit. So, maybe they won't come back with 10 cavities each!

I was snuggling with Isaiah tonight as he was going to sleep...and I was just watching him. They came home late and are leaving early, so I had to take the opportunity to see him at bedtime. I can't believe how much I can miss him during the day. Even though he's so energetic and busy at home, I miss that. It made me think of this upcoming school year beginning...."first grade" for Isaiah. All day, everyday. I'm NOT okay with it. Kindergarten was one thing (every other day), but now we're getting serious. I hurt inside as the days get closer. I know it's inevitable, but it's still sad.

Dominic is just too good for words. I honestly don't understand it. Sleeping 8-10 hours at night? At 3 months? Seeing him smiling so much makes the days so fun with him. I found that he loves to be outside...and go for walks. There must be so much to look at.

This entry seems pretty superficial right now, but I don't really have anything specific on my mind to write about. Just thought I'd let you know that we are here...and busy...and doing allright. Just trying to keep up.

Well, if anything comes to mind that I can share with you, I'll update again. Until then...enjoy the rest of your summer!

Rochelle

By the way, I've been trying to find a way to share pictures with you-by adding a link to this site, but haven't been able to figure out where to send you. Anyone out there have any ideas for me? I don't want to take Alex's pictures off, but want a way to share pictures of Dominic and Isaiah with all of you. Let me know if you have any ideas....thanks.

Monday, July 23, 2007 10:57 PM CDT

Last Friday I relived a bit of my helplessness as a mother to my boys. Dominic was having a VCUG done, which is an series of x-rays done while your bladder is filled up with dye. The doctors thought he might have reflux of the bladder (where it could back up from his bladder to his kidney). I wasn't nervous about the appointment...I remember thinking how weird it was that I was so calm going into it...He was fussy beforehand because he was hungry, but once he was fed, he was fine. They took an initial x-ray just to compare to, I guess. Then they called the pediatric nurse down from upstairs somewhere. She had to insert a catheter into Dominic. Well, needless to say, he hated it. There were 4 of us in the room at the time (3 nurses/techs and myself) helping with the procedure. My job....hold Dominic's hands and upper body down on the table until the x-rays were finished. I was so disappointed that I had to do that. I was hoping they would tell me to step outside until they were done, but no such luck. So, there I was, holding my baby down, as he was screaming bloody murder.

The nurse said she got the catheter in as far as it would go, so they let her go back upstairs. The doctor (radiologist) came in to begin the x-rays. He started out with a few and made the comment that the catheter was NOT in. So, another call to the nurses upstairs. A different nurse comes and fixes the problem (I don't know if she took it out and put it back in or what....I didn't want to watch). This whole time, Dominic is just screaming, which I don't blame him for! I was bending over the table by his head and whispering to him most of the time. I was telling him that it was the naughty nurses doing all of this...and not mommy....that it would be done soon and that he wouldn't remember it. For some reason, it didn't matter to him....he just kept on crying.

I was doing so good for so long, until I couldn't take it anymore. The dr was in the middle of the xrays and I almost told him to stop so I could comfort my son! But, I knew we had to find out the results and that it would be worse to start all over again. So there I sat, tears in my eyes, feeling so, so helpless. I recognized the feeling from when Alex was in the hospital. When he would look at me....with his sad eyes...and no voice...as if to ask me, "Mommy, why aren't you making it better? Why aren't you picking me up and holding me? Mommy? Is that you? Why aren't you helping me?" I had the feelings once again and I realized that my whispering was not helping Dominic...that nothing was. I was once again helpless. The only thing I could think of doing was to pray. I prayed as my eyes filled with more tears...that God would just wrap His hands around Dominic and calm his heart. That He would comfort him in the ways that I couldn't...that God was the only One who could help Dominic, because I obviously couldn't. I asked that God just tell him that it's okay...that it'll be done soon...and that mommy is so sorry. Well, not more than 5 seconds later, Dominic stopped crying. I just sat there in awe at what I witnessed. From crying for the past 20-30 minutes...to nothing....while they were still working on him. I was so thankful that he had a moment of comfort from his Father. He began crying again a few minutes later, but soon the xrays were over, the catheter came out, and mommy got to snuggle with him again. I sat out in the waiting room just holding him and talking to him. I was free to go, but how could I just strap him in a carseat and take off? After all of that? So, we talked for awhile and snuggled close and when I felt he was comforted again, we left.

It was almost as if he was having flashbacks the rest of the day, because he would just get sooo sad and cry. I was wondering what he was thinking about, because the only thing that would calm him down, was if I held him. Not a bottle, not a clean diaper, nothing except for me to hold him. Poor little guy.

Well, as far as we know, all turned out well with Dominic-the radiologist told us that everything looked good. We're just waiting for the final report to come back and then we will be free from that concern. I can't help but wonder about this weird medical concern...one I didn't know much about...and how it once again reminded me to fully rely on God. I had nowhere else to turn for help with my baby...except to Him. Once again, it was an opportunity for His glory to be revealed and for my prayers to be answered.

Even though I wouldn't wish any of this on my child, I see God's hands in it all. I see the calm He gave my usually anxious heart ahead of time...I see the message He gave me that reminded me to turn to Him for Dominic's comfort...I saw the answered prayer...and I saw another opportunity for me to cherish the moment with our child, before heading off to face the rest of the day. All of that...from x-rays. Hmmmm....

I hope each of you can see the opportunities God gives you to depend on Him for your strength, for your comfort and for your faith to grow. Sometimes they are in the oddest circumstances...

Rochelle

Saturday, July 7, 2007 10:52 PM CDT

Time sure flies with a new baby in the house!!! All of a sudden, there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done.

Dominic is doing well and growing quickly. He's a good baby, who sleeps great at night. How blessed am I?! There have been a few moments of worry with him, but all have turned out allright. One day I was changing his diaper and I saw a lump on his side. Needless to say, I freaked out....and lost it for quite awhile. Of course, I got him checked out and they think it's just a fatty deposit, but I'm supposed to watch it. Two days after that episode, he was scheduled for an ultrasound at Children's in Minneapolis. We were just doing a check on him, as we did for Isaiah, to make sure that their kidneys were allright. We got a good report back and feel so, so much better.

There are times, of course, when Dominic will just cry for no reason that I can see. Sometimes I catch myself wanting Daniel to take him from me, just to get a break from the crying. But, I stop my thoughts right there and just remember how lucky and blessed I am that I get to hold my baby. I thought of a family who recently lost their daughter, and I think of what they would give to hold her again. I think of how much I have missed hearing a baby's cry...even if it's for 2 hours straight. I am remembering to cherish the moments, because I don't know how long I have with my children. It's been a blessed lesson to remember....

Isaiah is doing great. He is so busy this summer, I just can't believe it. He does so well with Dominic and has turned into an independent boy. He is off with Daniel in Montana for a few days....they just decided to go away together. I know Isaiah is having a blast, because of how excited he is when he calls me. I just hope Daniel's able to keep up with him!!! :)

I was reading back tonight on some of my entries after losing Alex. The pain that I felt and still feel. I have to admit that Dominic has brought new joy into our days, even though the hole in my heart is still there. Isaiah keeps us so busy, which reminds us to live in the moment with our children. Smiles are way more frequent lately, for which we are very thankful. Life seems okay once again, despite missing our baby.

Dominic was crying tonight (as usual during his normal fussy time) and I was just watching his little mouth and tongue moving...listening to this tiny baby cry. It sounds crazy, but I treasured the sound.....because I remember the times I watched Alex's face do the same thing...but with no sound coming out. It was excruciating to watch him cry his silent tears. Now I hear Isaiah and Dominic cry and I'm thankful for their voices. Funny how that has changed....

Well, I just got a call from Isaiah and Daniel. Isaiah was worried that the hotel maid took his petrified wood. I told him to get Dan on the phone and we laughed so hard that Isaiah even knows the word "petrified"! That kid is a hoot. He's having a good time in the mountains collecting rocks, I guess. I hope their father/son time is blessed.

Thanks for checking in on us again. Life is life...with some joys and tears. It might even be somewhat normal....

Rochelle

Tuesday, June 12, 2007 5:47 PM CDT

I was just sitting in our living room feeding Dominic, when I heard this song come on the radio. I'm not sure if I've heard it before, but tonight, the words just permeated in me. I'll share the lyrics and then explain what I felt.

Bring the Rain

I can count a million times
people asking me how I
can praise You with all that I've gone through.
The question just amazes me
can circumstances possibly
change who I forever am in You?
Maybe since my life was changed
long before these rainy days
it's never really ever crossed my mind
to turn my back on you, oh Lord,
my only shelter from the storm.
But instead I draw closer through these times
so I pray...

Bring me joy, bring me peace
bring the chance to be free
bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
when this life brings me pain
but if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain.

I am Yours regardless of
the dark clouds that may loom above
because You are much greater than my pain.
You who made a way for me
by suffering Your destiny
so tell me what's a little rain
so I pray...

Bring me joy, bring me peace
bring the chance to be free
bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
when this life brings me pain
but if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring on the rain....

Wow. That says alot about my life in the past 2 years. I have been asked many times how we have survived losing Alex...how we can still have our faith...how could it have grown even stronger through that pain. And I do feel that I really didn't even think it should be any different...that I just felt what I felt, and thank God I had my faith to begin with. I have drawn closer and closer to God, closer than I thought I could ever be. I didn't turn my back on God, even though there were times that it would've been normal to do so. But here we are...and we're even stronger. I am God's no matter what He brings my way and I will continue to praise Him through my storms.

HOWEVER, what got me tonight, as I was holding our newborn baby, was that I don't know if I can say "bring on the rain", like the lyrics imply. I know that whatever comes our way is going to be dealt with, but to actually be bold enough to say "bring it on..." is hard for me at the moment. I've had a few moments when my grief has overwhelmed me in the past few weeks...when I miss Alex just as much as ever before. And as I watch Isaiah play and I hold this little miracle, I can't help but pray for their health and safety. I know that Alex's cancer was a fluke, unexplainable thing that happened. But it still happened. Sometimes I just beg God to let my two other boys stay healthy and safe.

We've had a few obstacles lately that we don't know how to handle. And after all of my resources are unavailable or taken away....Who's left is exactly Who we need to go to for direction and answers. In uncertainty and concern, I continue to pray for the safety and health of Isaiah and Dominic. Even though I know that these trials and troubles bring us closer to Christ, they are still hard to welcome.

So, as I listened to this song and held my baby, I felt the conviction to just "let go". Let my children go again...out of our tight grasp....to the One Who will take care of them the best. I guess in the end, even though I hope no more tragedy comes our way....I know that we will survive. And when life brings us pain, I'll remember that it is bringing us even closer to Jesus.

We miss Alex so much. Through all the lessons we learned during his life, the biggest one was submitting to God's will for our lives. I hope I can be confident enough one day to say, "Bring the rain"....

Wednesday, May 23, 2007 10:32 PM CDT

Well, as Daniel shared with you, our baby has arrived! I am so glad to be done and recovering. I got to be a pretty uncomfortable pregnant woman towards the end~not too fun for Daniel and Isaiah to be around. I wasn't put on bedrest with this pregnancy like we all anticipated, but rested as much as I could. I was scheduled for a c-section on May 23rd. On May 9th, my ultrasound showed that the baby weighed around 7 lbs. 6 oz. I wondered how I'd make it another two weeks~I didn't have any room left! The next day, however, I was feeling crummy and sick. The baby wasn't moving as much and I just didn't feel right. Finally, after calling the dr, I was sent to the hospital to be checked out. After being there for about 15-20 minutes, it was decided that I would have a c-section right then. We had very little warning and very little time to think about it, which was good (for me!). Just a short time later, Dominic was born.

As two nurses worked on me and the anesthesiologist talked to me, I started crying as I thought about the delivery. I was scared of my emotions and was really thinking of Alex and how quickly my surgery went with him, too. However, when the moment arrived, my heart was filled with complete and utter peace and joy. I couldn't think of anything but that miracle that was just taken from my womb...and how God had made this pregnancy possible. I saw a new life and am just amazed at the gift of this baby. Even through the roller coaster of hormones, I am so happy to have Dominic here.

We've had our moments of grief still...even through the past two weeks. We think it's strange that Dominic will grow up, without having met one of his brothers. Daniel told me that we should have 3 boys here to raise, not just two. I'm wondering how to teach him about Alex as we visit his grave in the future. The day that Dominic and I came home from the hospital, Isaiah plainly said, "I wish Alex was here." Through all the joy, he's still being missed. I think that Dominic had a special angel watching over him while I was pregnant....and that Alex gave him is special kiss from heaven, as he was being created. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I'll believe until it's proven otherwise....

Thank you for all of your prayers throughout my pregnancy. We know that they have helped make it go smoothly~without complication. I hope to soon find a way to share pictures of Dominic with you, so stay tuned. One of these days, I'll figure it out!

Thank you again....
Rochelle

Thursday, May 10, 2007 10:04 PM CDT

Dominic Dale Bauer was born 5:48 pm May 10th 7 lbs 9 oz 19 inches mom and son doing great

Wednesday, April 25, 2007 9:07 PM CDT

This past Monday, we got a packet in the mail from the Children's Hospital. Every so often we get something from them regarding support groups or memorial events or things pertaining to grief. However, when I opened this envelope up, it was way different. I had to laugh as I read the letter from a college student, who was doing research on patients who had trachiostomy tubes. I thought, "Okay, that's expected", but as I read on, it wasn't what I thought. This student was doing research on patients who receive trachs and the gap of time from when they receive them to when they are discharged. There was a questionaire she asked us to fill out and return to her, to help her with her study. Daniel was there as I was reading it, and we just looked at each other funny. I decided that was one letter we could throw! But, of course, it's remained in my mind. She didn't know that we never got to take Alex home with his trach...she didn't know he wasn't still alive. I hold nothing against her, it was just the timing of the letter. I expected those letters a few months after his death, maybe even a year after....but more than 2 years later? I just didn't see it coming. All the more for reality to set in that Alex indeed is missing...

As I was reading to Isaiah the other night, he was holding his "Alex" bookmark, which has a picture of Alex on it. I watched him out of the corner of my eye and he was just intently staring at his picture. I watched him just study his face and I felt sad for Isaiah. After I was done reading, he asked me a few questions about Alex and we were able to talk about the night Alex died. Isaiah told me that he doesn't remember it, but the look on his face told me otherwise. That's okay, he can keep his memories quiet, if he wishes.

On happier news, this baby is growing every day. Well, at least I'M growing every day! I've been watched close by my dr here in TX, and have made it to 34 weeks now without bedrest. I've laid low as much as I can to prevent labor and complete bedrest, and I hope it's worked! I've had some contractions for the past month or so, but nothing has affected my body yet, enough to show that labor is near. At my ultrasound today, I got to see the face again. The ultrasound tech (whom I've never had before) showed me the baby's cheeks and she commented several times on how big those cheeks are! Once she said, "I could just SQUEEZE them!!!!" Of course, that reminded me of Alex and his chubby cheeks! It was fun to see and hear that from her. So far, all of your prayers are working...this baby appears to be healthy and willing to wait a few more weeks before it makes it's entrance. I think that's good news, overall...so keep praying, please!

Daniel caught a cold/flu bug and is driving me bananas, but other than that, he's doing good. Isaiah just finished his weekly allergy shots and will start going every six-weeks now. I'm glad that it can be spaced out more for him. They both seem to be tolerating my hormonal mood swings....which I'm thankful for.

Thanks for checking in and for continuing to pray for our baby-to-come.

Rochelle

Wednesday, April 11, 2007 9:01 AM CDT

The Pastor's sermon this Easter was titled, "What if Jesus Died of Old Age?" What if He did? What if He was just another saint or martyr who died for another person and that was it? What if He died for our sins and stayed in the grave? We wouldn't have the promise and hope that keeps Daniel, Isaiah and me going every day....of seeing our risen Jesus in heaven, along with all the other Christians who have gone before us. Our babies...and Alex....

I woke up with a great attitude on Easter morning, ready and willing to face the day. It didn't feel any "different" being it was this anniversary that was "looming" over me the past few weeks. I was so thankful that I could look at the day and just feel good. Then, wouldn't you know, 10 minutes before leaving for church, I lost it. As I was alone getting myself ready, thoughts and memories flooded back of that day two years ago. At about that same time, we were leaving the hospital for the final time, without Alex. I remember thinking, "how do I just leave him here? How do I just walk away from his body, and just go home?" It didn't seem natural or right or doable. But, putting one foot in front of the other, holding onto my husband and son, and walking with the staff who put their day on hold-just to help our leaving feel a little easier...I left. How strange that was, to be on our way back home...Daniel, Isaiah and I...with half of our house with us (by then we accumulated quite a bit!). It was a surreal feeling driving back home without Alex. I remember the phone calls we had to make on the drive home. I remember talking to the Funeral Home and Flower Shop. Talking about music and scripture and what we wanted out of the funeral. And every once in awhile, Daniel or I would just sob. At one point, Daniel was driving about 45-50 mph....and it didn't even matter. (if you know Daniel...he's not that slow when he drives!) Wondering what we were supposed to do with our lives from that point on.

When we arrived in Fertile, Isaiah was dropped off to play with his cousins, while Daniel and I faced the empty house alone. We were stopped by the school by friends and sat there hugging and visiting for quite awhile. Friends we hadn't seen since we had left Fertile 3 months earlier, men who choked up as they hugged us and listened to our stories....friends that we just never knew could be so loving.

When Dan and I got home, he unloaded our Suburban and placed everything in our entry way and hallway, where it would stay for another month or two. How do you unpack all of those memories? I think it was too much to do at once, knowing that we were never going back....and facing Alex's belongings took some time. So, instead of unpacking and settling in, we just sat together for a long time....and talked. Numb and in disbelief as to what we were going to face in the next few days. And how we were going to face it. I think what kept me sane throughout those next few days, was knowing that I would see Alex's body again...knowing that when I left he hospital, that wasn't the last time I would lay my eyes on his beautiful face. What I didn't think of, was how I would feel when I knew I was seeing him for the last time. That realization took me a couple of days...the finality of it all took awhile to set in. Sometimes I'm not sure it's set in even yet.

Isaiah was planning on staying overnight with his cousins, but called us to come and get him right at bedtime. To feel needed by our son was a joy and filled my empty heart and I was more than happy to go and pick him up. I think we all needed each other when the downtime came that evening...

I don't know what else filled that night, but I know it wasn't anything too important. And before I knew it, a whole day had gone by without Alex. I didn't understand how that could happen.

And now, 2 years have gone by without Alex. Sometimes I wonder how in the world we put one foot in front of the other, but know that because of Easter, we will see our sweet baby again. As I sat in church on Sunday, I cried so hard that I thought I was going to just fall on the floor. I cried because of how much I miss Alex...how much I wish all of this pain would go away....but I also cried because of how grateful I am for the chance to see him again one day. What if Jesus wouldn't have rose again? What if death was the end of it? How would I survive each day thinking that I would never, ever, ever see my baby again? I wouldn't survive. But, because of our gracious God, I have hope. Sometimes the hope is very small and overshadowed by emotion and other stressors, but I know it's there. Sometimes the hope is so big that I can talk about Alex and look at his pictures and feel peace. Sometimes I just have to breathe. But no matter what, that hope is there.

Those memories of the final days with Alex...and the first days without him, are still very real. The days when we were so raw that there was absolutely nothing to hide. I am thankful for those days, so we could be accepted as we were...hurting and human.

Rochelle

Monday, April 2, 2007 9:45 AM CDT

I was feeling bad recently for Angelina Jolie, who has been watched for her grief after her mother died from cancer in January. There was an article about her and how "sad" she seemed...how Brad needed to get her some help...that she was just wasting away after losing her mother. They thought that she should be going on with life and that her outward signs of grief were maybe going on for too long. It had been about 2 months since her mom died, when this was written. I felt compassion for her and empathy, because she was being scrutinized for missing her mother....after only two months.

Then I read an article, about a Gallup Poll that was done on grief. Although they didn't say how many people were polled...or where they were from....the results were that the majority of the people thought that "grief feelings" should last anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months after a loss. I laughed...but not in a funny way. I was dumbfounded that the majority of people think that way...and when I talked to Daniel about it, he just said, "Those people who were polled must not have had a significant loss in their lifetime". I thought that must be true.

Although I know that each person grieves differently...and for different amount of times, we've definately learned that there is no set amount of time that is appropriate. I thought there was (during the first year after losing Alex). I thought that after that first anniversary, I would magically feel better. As I've written before, I didn't feel better...I felt worse. I was surprised, but didn't even know I had my own timeline. It wasn't a timeline for anyone else's grief, just my own. Boy was I ever wrong.

The 2nd year annivesary of Alex's death is coming up this Sunday. Easter Sunday. Not too excited, if I might be honest with you. I really hadn't thought much of the anniversary of someone's death, until Alex's. Now that day sticks out to me more than his birthday. His birthdate was such a happy, exciting time. While his entrance into heaven was also happy and exciting, it was very much tainted with sadness and heartache. I will never forget that day or the moment he died, for as long as I live. It is etched in my heart and soul and I long for the day to be played over again. I was content, I was peaceful, I was sad, but I was also elated as I remember his soul leaving his body. It was a miraculous day to me, one that fills me with faith that I never knew possible...all because Alex was chosen to go to heaven before my eyes.

So, because two years have gone by...I should feel much better? Well, I do and I don't. We have learned to live with this loss, we've learned that not every fear we have has come true, and we've learned that no one can predict how another person can grieve~or for how long. I feel better because I know where Alex is and I wouldn't wish him to be on earth over heaven. But I don't feel better because I still miss him more than my words could ever show. This anniversary will be filled with mix emotions, as I remember those last moments with Alex, but also rejoice that he is in heaven only because Jesus died for us and rose again. Maybe it's fitting that I have to face this anniversary on Easter...I don't know. When I wonder how I will get by, I remember that I won't get by on my own...that's for sure. I'll have help from the One who watched His own son die...and rise again. The One who knows exactly how I feel...and will never judge me for my grief. No matter if it's been 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years. He understands.

Rochelle

Tuesday, March 6, 2007 8:45 AM CST

Last night, as we were playing a game with Isaiah, he started to sing a song. He was quiet and not really understandable at first, but within a few minutes, he was belting out the song at full volume. It was a song they sing at his school here in TX...and it goes like this, "Every move I make I make to you, you are my way, Jesus. Every breath I take, I take to you."...."Every step I take I take to you,"...etc. "Waves of mercy, waves of praise, every where I look I see your face." I don't know all of the words, but those are some of them. Soon he was dancing and doing the actions to the song.

It was soon time for bed and as he was waiting for me to come in to his room, he put a cd in his cd player. It had the songs, "I Can Only Imagine" and "Angels Among Us" (it was a cd we made him with just 3 songs on it that he wanted of his own). He listened and after his story, he wanted to fall asleep listening to those songs instead of his usual music that he's listened to for years. So, we let him.

When I was getting ready for bed, I thought about what Isaiah was doing~singing songs about Jesus, heaven and angels. I thought about how fortunate I feel that he has the opportunity to go to a Christian Kindergarten here, and that he can have God incorporated into his learning and daily activities. (He told me one day after school that we really should get more songs that praise Jesus.) I felt my heart smile (have any of you ever felt that way before) as I thought about how much I love to hear him sing about Jesus and be so open about his faith. I feel like he has learned so much more than I ever knew at 6 years of age....and I'm so happy for him!

As I thought about how happy I was, and how much of an answered prayer this was for me....I wondered how God feels when he hears little children use His name in praise and worship. I wonder how happy He is when He sees a little child talk about Him in such an easy way...and how happy He is when a child shares his faith with anyone. If MY heart was smiling, what was God's doing?! Then I realized that we are all called to do that. We're all called to use Jesus' name in our everyday lives...to talk about Him in an easy way....and to share our faith with anyone and everyone. Why is it so hard for us grownups? Or is it just me? I wonder how happy God is when He hears us talk about Him to others? Does His heart smile with the joy that "they finally get it"....they finally get what I want them to do! After all, we are to be like little children in our faith, in order to enter the kingdom of heaven. Why do the grownup fears get in the way?

I recently told Daniel that I was struggling with that very thing. On the way to Texas this year (I flew) and since I've been down here, I've come in contact with a few different people. They've shared some personal things about their lives and sometimes my faith is just shouting at me to talk to them about God....even just to slip in that "God's plans aren't always our plans" or to slip in "God is so good, isn't He?" or something like that. For some reason, I didn't do it, and it bothered me so much. I wondered where that fear came from (I do know where the fear comes from....). In some of the conversations, the other person has brought up their faith, and then in turn I could do the same. However, I was upset with myself that I didn't go with my gut instinct and just venture out there when I felt I should. Well, since then I have been more aware of the opportunity and what people are saying to me. In more times than not, others have "slipped" their faith into our conversations and a lightbulb goes on in my head....and I realized that I need to overcome that weird fear that has suddenly come over me. I know God is prompting me to bring up His name. Sometimes I have failed....probably more times than I would like to know about. But, I will work on overcoming that silence and use the prompts as they come. I wonder how He rejoices when we listen to His directions....

Anyways, I was just thinking aloud here....feeling so happy that Isaiah was so open in his faith...and at the same time feeling convicted for what I am lacking to do at the moment. We can always learn more, can't we?

Have a blessed day....
Rochelle

Thursday, March 1, 2007 10:30 AM CST

My dear friend, Nichole (also my partner in grief), posted this on her daughter's, Sophia, caringbridge site. I thought it was a great story, one that rings true in our lives, as well as in hers. I hope you will see what I mean....

The Brave Little Soul
By: John Alessi

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, �Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?� God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people�s hearts.� The little soul was confused. �What do you mean,� she asked.� God replied, �Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.� The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, �The suffering soul unlocks the love in people�s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love � to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people�s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, �Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.� Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God�s strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people�s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys � some regained lost faith � many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased~

I'm trying hard not to lose the lessons we've learned while taking care of Alex. I know that sometimes it's hard for me to continue to open my heart up, because it does continue to get hurt. I hope that I can continue to "unlock my heart" for others to see, even though there's risk. I also want to thank each of you for opening your hearts to us while Alex was sick...and after. It was so noticable when our community, friends, family and strangers would be so very raw in their emotions with us...and that is something Daniel and I talk about to this day. We were in awe at how people opened up their lives, and we pray that each one of you learned that it is okay to do that.

Let's help each other keep our hearts unlocked...and let's help each other through our hurts. We ALL have them...let's not be scared to show them.

Rochelle

Thursday, February 22, 2007 9:20 AM CST

I recieved an email awhile back that asks alot of questions about yourself. Some of you may have seen these-they ask you "name 4 jobs you've had" or "list 4 places you've lived" and so on. The last one I got arrivd from a friend who has followed this site...and it's the only way I've known her (Hi Becky H!). One question that has come up numerous times for me on these questionaires, is "name 4 places you'd rather be right now". Each time I've answered these in the last 2 years, my first answer is "heaven". The first few times I've given that answer, it was just a no-brainer...and I didn't think twice about it. But lately, I've wondered what others have thought when I've written that. I've only had one other person give that same answer when I've passed along the questionaires...so it made me wonder if I was normal or just crazy? I didn't want more people to think I'm suicidal...or that I absolutely hate my life. It's not that at all. I was having a hard time coming up with a good explaination of my answer, until I read the book "Traveling Light" by Max Lucado. The last chapter summed it all up for me...and reassured me that my longing for heaven is indeed acceptable. In fact, it's more than acceptable...God desires me to feel this way. For all of us to long to be with him. If you don't mind, I'd like to share with you what I found.

At Alex's Prayer Service, we played the song "Homesick" by Mercy Me. It talks about how you've lost someone...you know they're in a better place...but that still doesn't change how you much you miss them. That if home is where your heart is...then "I'm" out of place. It says..."I've never been more homesick than now." Of course right after Alex's death, I was horribly homesick for heaven. It felt so close, yet so far away. I realized a lot of things while Alex was sick, but one of the most important things I learned was that none of us are at home on earth...our home is in heaven....and it's just a matter of time before we get there. All the sin in this world causes the problems we face...it's not how God intended life on earth to be. But it is...and the peace we can have is knowing that one day...all will be perfect when we enter eternity. I guess, to me, that's the most comforting thought I can have right now. That all of this turmoil that surrounds each of us every single day, will one day be no more. Let me tell you about this book "Traveling Light".

Throughout the book, Max talks about all of the burdens we carry. We don't necessarily mean to carry them, but sometimes we might forget to lay them down at the cross and let Jesus handle them. He reassures us that Jesus DOES indeed want our troubles...that He desires for us to give them to Him. He can handle each one of them and He wants to carry the load for us. IF we just let them go. There are many chapters in this book. For example, the burden of discontent, the burden of weariness, the burden of worry, the burden of hopelessness, the burden of guilt, the burden of arrogance, the burden of loneliness...etc. The final chapter is on the burden of homesickness. All throughout the book, Max shows us how these burdens hurt us...how unhealthy it is to carry them...and most importantly, how to lay them down at the foot of the cross. It was a very freeing book for me...and a very "real" book for me. It addressed so many different areas of our lives that we tend to just push aside, without knowing they are affecting us. In each of these chapters, we're told that God does not intend for us to carry these on our shoulders and does not want us to bring them to the grave with us. That is, until the chapter on homesickness.

Some parts of this chapter say the following: "You're being groomed for a trip. You're being prepared for your Master's House. You don't know the departure date or flight number, but you can bet your puppy chow that you'll be seeing your Owner one day." "Our homeland is in heaven (Phil. 3:20)" Our forever house in in heaven...our earthly house is just short-term living. This explains the homesickness we feel. "Have you ever longed to be home?" He tells a story of being away from home and noticing a family through the window of their house...sitting at the table together as a family...and he wanted so much to be at home with his family. He said he felt so far from home. What he felt that night, "some of you have felt ever since...your husband died, your child was buried, you learned about the lumg in your breast or the spot in your lung. Some of you have felt far from home ever since your home fell apart. The twists and turns of life have a way of reminding us-we aren't home here. This is not our homeland. We aren't fluent in the language of disease or death. The culture confuses the heart, the noise disrupts our sleep, and we feel far from home. And that's OK." "Homesickness is one of the burdens that God doesn't mind if we carry. We are being prepared for another house, and we know we aren't there yet."

"So be careful not to act (like you are at home yet). Don't lower the duffel bag too soon. Would you hang pictures on the wall of a Greyhound Bus? Do you set up a bedroom at the roadside rest stop? Do you load your king size bed on a commercial flight? The greatest calamity is not to feel far from home when you are, but to feel right at home when you are not. Don't quench, but rather, stir this longing for heaven."

"At the time of your homecoming, only one bag will remain. Not the bag of guilt...It was dropped at Calvary. Not the fear of death. It was left at the grave. The only lingering luggage will be this God-given longing for home. And when you see Him, you'll set it down. Just as a returning soldier drops his duffel when he sees his wife, you'll drop your longing when you see your Father. Those you love will shout. Those you know will applaud. But all the noise will cease when he cups your chin and says, "Welcome home." And with scarred hand he'll wipe every tear from your eye. And you will dwell in the house of your Lord-forever."

How can I not want that? How can I not want all to be well in my soul? How can I cherish this life on earth so much, when there is so much, much more waiting for me in heaven? Our rewards are not of this earth....our rewards are in heaven. My babies are in heaven....my son is in heaven....most importantly, my Father is in heaven. I can't wait until He will look me in the eye and welcome me home.

Someone told me once that the older she gets, the more excited she is for going to heaven. I'm thankful that she feels that way, and I can understand why. Our bodies fail us, they give out, they age. All preparing us for that moment when we'll be healed and perfect. What a gift.

So, you see, I'm not "suicidal". I want to enjoy life on this earth. But at the same time, I know it doesn't even compare...it's not even on the same wavelength as what is awaiting each of us. I just wait with eagerness....

Rochelle

****I'm adding this later****
I certainly hope no one who sent me those questionaires, thinks I was judging them for their answers! I was just wondering if my answer was weird or if it was okay with God that I was thinking that way about heaven. Please know that I didn't mean anything about anyone else....just clarifying my OWN answer, ok? Hope you all understand...

Saturday, February 3, 2007 9:16 PM CST

I'm not sure why I'm having a hard time writing about this~or why I haven't shared this with you before. I have a story to tell...and it has a pretty good ending.

The second year after Alex was diagnosed was harder for me. I've told you all that the feelings just seemed more real and deeper. I don't understand why, except that I do think God only allowed me to "feel" so much that first year. I thought that first year was so hard and horrible, which it was, but I also think that the permanence set in the second year. The reality of it set in....and some of the peace that I had after Alex's death, wasn't so evident during the second year. We're officially in our 3rd year since his diagnosis, which is strange to write.

Anyways, I went through ALOT of emotions last year~really going from family issues to Alex to friends to church to everything. Everything seemed to come down on me at once and take it's toll. Well, I learned alot about myself and why I do the things I do and what I've experienced in my life and what that has done to shape the person I am. I realized alot of faults and alot of habits that needed to be broken....but it finally all started coming together again. I was feeling more confident in what my life was supposed to be all about...and it was a good feeling to be coming back up out of the valley.

It was then that I was asked to share my experiences at a Women's Retreat close to our town. There were a group of ladies meeting for the day and I was asked to be one of the speakers. I felt honored and ready, yet scared and humble. I knew this was God's timing, because I had just worked through so many things, and here was my chance to share it with others. I was asked to talk about God's faithfulness in my life...during our struggles for children and during our loss of Alex. As I thought about it, I realized that God has delivered me from way more than just those two topics. So, as hard as it was and as risky as it was, I opened my heart and talked about even the "secret" things that are never talked about. I can't say them on this site because I don't know who's reading this and I guess I'm not THAT risky! Anyways, I told no one about this, except for a couple of friends, who agreed to pray for me. I was so nervous the week of the retreat, and the day before wasn't good. I was just wondering what in the world I was doing and why was I doing this? How could I stand up and talk for 1 1/2 hours? How do I look up from my notes for that long? Well, just that day before, I got a devotion emailed to me which pertained to exactly what I was about to do. One sentence said, "It's not about a memorized speech, it's about sharing what God has done in your life." Wow. Then, shortly after, I recieved an email from a cousin I hadn't been in contact with for over 2 months....who said he felt I needed prayer cover that day...and is there something he could pray about for me? After those two things, I just relaxed and realized this was all in God's hands. I slept good....and wasn't nervous at all.

As I was driving to the retreat the next morning, I started getting 'crampy'. (Sorry to you men, but this is an important part of the story) I realized that it was "the time". You know what I mean....I was unprepared and in pain. I popped some Aleve, stopped at a grocery store for supplies, and silently said "TODAY?!?! COME ON!!!" Well, I forgot about that detail for awhile and just went through the presentation. It was so very welcomed and after I was finished, I wondered what in the world had just happened. I don't remember much of it, but I remember that I didn't have to use the 28 pages of notes I had...very much. I remembered seeing women crying at different times throughout the stories and I remember seeing some nod in agreement to what I was saying. But "what" I said? I have no idea. It was totally God and I felt so grateful to have been the tool He wanted to use that day. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before...and a day I will treasure.

Well, before I knew it, it was four days later. I remembered that what I "thought" was coming that Saturday morning....never showed up. I wondered if I was stressed or whatever, but the night before our anniversary, I took a pregnancy test....and it was positive! I couldn't believe it. I was so shocked and surprised! I just felt completely blessed and knew that God was giving us this precious gift....for following His lead.

The drama didn't end there. I called to make an appt. with my dr. and the only opening they had (they had this day completely open) for me in the near future...was October 11th...Alex's birthday. I thought that was ironic how all the other days were completely booked, except for his birthday. We scheduled it and waited...

On October 5th, I noticed I started to bleed some. We called the dr. who got me in for an ultrsound right away. There wasn't a heartbeat on the u/s, but they thought it was because it was too early and the heart hadn't started beating yet. At least this is what the nurse reported to me....So, we waited again. On October 9th, I REALLY started to bleed and called up there again. I got a nurse I didn't know, who read my radiology report. She told me that the radiologist thought I possibly had a blighted ovum, which means there is no baby in the sac....thus, no heartbeat. I was confused, because I thought all was well. After talking to my dr, she told me that I was probably losing everything and there was nothing they could do about it. She gave me instructions and I was just left crushed, as was Daniel. I mean, how many times can this happen to me?!

Well, I called the one friend who knew I was pregnant and told her what was happening. Even though I didn't have hope, she did. She told me that she would pray for me and the baby...and I believe she did! A couple of hours later, the bleeding completely stopped. Nada. Zilch. Nothing more at all. The next day I called and talked to my regular nurse, who was just as confused as I was. She read the radiology report, which said that there WAS a baby seen in the sac. Yet, the other nurse read another part that said there wasn't. So, the nurse calls down to talk to the radiologist....find out he's gone...until DECEMBER!! Ugh! So, another radiologist reads the scans and says, 'yes, there is a baby'. Oh my goodness...rollercoaster ride again. From one day to the next, there wasn't a baby and I was losing everything...to there IS a baby and it's fine. Well, after some blood tests and an u/s the next week, we found out that all is well and there is a healthy baby growing inside of me!!! Answered prayers from my friend, is what we think....

So, that's the news! We are having a baby! My due date is set for June 6th, but they are sure I will deliver early, as I did with both of the boys. I am just about 23 weeks along and feeling good. The beginning (as you can see) was very rough, along with needing meds for vomiting and naseau, but I'm feeling great now. We had an ultrasound in Minneapolis to check all of the organs and will have another one in early March. It was amazing to see that baby just a kicking and moving and it's heart beating so wildly. We feel blessed to have this opportunity for yet another child! It feels just as good as the first time I was pregnant...

Isaiah is very adament that he have another brother. He even prayed about it tonight in his nighttime prayers. I'm sure he will do just fine with either or, but he just won't tolerate any talkings about a "sister". I'm trying to prepare him either way, but it's kinda hopeless....time will just have to play this one out.

Of course, I can't help but think about Alex alot during this pregnancy. I wonder if he has an "inside" to see this baby forming and growing....I wonder if he put a word in for God to bless us again. We talked about having another baby just after Alex was born, but after Alex died, we didn't really want to make that decision. So, we told God that He could make it for us (like He doesn't anyways, huh?). We laid it into His hands and rarely thought about it. Lone behold...He gives us this baby after all kinds of turmoil is worked out in our lives. Like a gift after all of the work. His timing is perfect...isn't it?

Well, this got to be quite long, but I felt so much of it was important. I just feel that these big knots I had in my life for so long...were slowly untangled this past year...and that we were blessed with this gift after all of that was accomplished. We are so thankful....

I am requesting a ton of prayers. No one knows the thoughts and fears that are going through our minds. Even though Alex's case was very odd and rare, there are so many other things that can creep into the formation of a baby. Daniel told me that our fears are even more than ever before (and I was a worry wart BEFORE), but he also reminds me of Who's hands our lives are in. So, that is what we will rest on....

I'm sorry it's taken us so long to share this on the site~I have no explanation for it! It just never seemed like the right time. I'm not sure it is now, either, but something pulled me to the computer tonight...and here I am. I hope you can see the faithfulness of God in our lives right now....and remember that He's just as faithful in everyone else's....

God bless each of you...and we'll keep you posted!
Rochelle

Thursday, January 11, 2007 9:26 PM CST

It dawned on me the other day, that soon it will be 2 years since Alex was flown to the Children's Hospital (Jan. 16). TWO YEARS. How in the world can that be? In three months, it will have been two years since we held Alex in our arms. I just don't understand how this much time has gone by?

On the same note, I also can't understand how this huge hole can still be here in my heart. Just more confirmation that it will never go away. I will miss him until I see him again in heaven....and no one knows when that will be. I know that I have come a long, long way in my grief and sadness, but just as I was told, it hits at the oddest times, and it feels so fresh and real all over again.

The other night, I went to the cemetary to sit while Isaiah was at his TaeKwonDo class. I honestly don't remember the last time I cried at the cemetary. Being there doesn't really do that much for me, so I don't get all that emotional there. Anyways, here I was, just sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't stop the flow of tears, and I just was taken aback. In an instance, it all came back to me and I longed for him just as much as I did the moment after he died. As I was sitting there trying to compose myself, I realized that I had just cried harder than I did at his visitation or funeral. I remember that I didn't cry much at all during either, and I thought that was so strange. Yet, here I am, almost 2 years later, sobbing harder than I could imagine. I found myself wanting those funeral days back...so I could show everyone how much I really hurt. I didn't try to hold anything back during his funeral or visitation....but the tears just didn't come. I was overwhelmed, shocked, scared and just numb, I think. Now it all comes out when I least expect it. Why is that? Why didn't it "all come out" when it WAS expected? I don't know, but I guess it really doesn't matter. My heart can hurt as much today as it did the day of his death...even if the tears don't flow. I realized that sometimes your emotions are even lower than tears. Lower than tears could show. You're so low at that point, that there really ARE no emotions to reveal. You're just sittin' there at the bottom. I'm just a little surprised that "the bottom" can still come back after 2 years.

I used to think that if I forgot one single moment of Alex's life, then maybe I would forget all of him. So, I wanted to remember all the good and all the bad...no matter what. Now, as the anniversary of his diagnosis comes, I find that I'm okay not "remembering" all the bad. I think it's okay if I miss thinking about him being in surgery at such-and-such a time....or if I miss thinking about the doctor's words when they told us to hold him for the last time....I think it's okay to remember the smiles and love we had. I know there will still be some nightmares about what happened to his little body, but I don't feel I'm dishonoring him anymore, if I don't sit and focus on those nightmares. Am I making ANY sense? Not sure...but that's okay.

Just the other day, Isaiah decided to put some of his change in Alex's piggy bank. I asked him if it was for the cancer foundation we started, but he said 'no, it's just for Alex'. Hmmmm. What do you say? We just said that it was very nice of him to share with his brother. Times like that, I just want him here to see how much he is still so loved and thought of. Then again, I think he already knows.

Thanks for reading about my 'forever-wounded heart'....
Rochelle

Thursday, January 4, 2007 1:27 PM CST

All is well in the Bauer house.

We made it through the holidays in one piece. I actually had a harder time this Christmas than last. I did okay at the gatherings, but cried when I was alone. Just the thought that our family is incomplete at holidays just gets me. But, that's what I have to learn to live with.

Isaiah just had his allergy testing done yesterday. That was hard to watch at first. (I had to leave the room for the first round because I couldn't stop crying) I was glad Daniel was with....he was the rock. Isaiah had 5 rounds of skin tests (a total of 24 pokes) and did better as the time went on. They only tested for different bees, and wouldn't you know? He's only allergic to honeybees. Interesting....but okay. At least he's not loaded with different allergies for now! So, the shots begin soon and will go on for the next 5 years. We told Isaiah what was going to happen with the shots now, and he seems very okay with it. We bragged him up so much for having 24 shots in one day...that he thinks one a week will be a cinch. Yeah, we'll see! Anyways, he's so proud of himself and we are proud of him, too. Not an easy thing for a 6 year old to understand.

Today was back to school and back to a routine. I think that's allright. We will head to Texas in about another month, and I can't believe the time has already come to move down there. Life seems to be flying by.

I will write again soon, but just wanted to tell everyone we are doing fine. Glad the allergy tests are done, I was worried about them for a long time! Once again, God gave us what we needed, when we needed it. Thankfully!

Please send up prayers for the Rasmussen family and the Knutson family, both are in our community, and both just lost family members this week. I know they'd appreciate the prayers, even if you don't know them. Thank you!

Have a good day,
Rochelle

Click here to go back to the main page.

Click here to view older journal entries.