History

Sunday, December 30, 2007 10:40 PM CST

We hope everyone has a Happy New Year ....Your love and support has been such a comfort to us and we hope you will stick with us into the new year.

This year Wow!!
I must say doing the News story made me a little uncomfortable.
It's hard not to worry about how people will look at you and would we be judged??
The reason we agreed to do the story was we wanted people "Like Us" to know that they are not alone because I don't think there is a worse feeling then that.

We wanted people to know that Foreclosure isn't just about people making bad choices and having to have the finer things in life.
It's about real people, hard working people who have things happen to their children or their spouses..things that none of us asked for or wanted.

I just can't think of anything worse then forcing people out of homes that they love.
How do you not have memories there that mean everything..I remember thinking if we lost our home I would not have the little measurements of our girls that We have on the wood trim that outlines their closet.
There has been so much love put into this house by friends and strangers we could never be without that.

I think anytime you put yourself out their and say "This is Me " this is the Real me it's scary because then when you go out and see people the line "I'm fine " really doesn't work anymore.
I have to tell you though the love and support we have gotten since the story came out has been overwhelming!!

The thing I have learned and will remember for the year 2007 is that some people say it's hard to believe in a God they can't see....Well I have seen God, He is in each one of you who have given of yourself to help our family.

That is what gives me strength that is what gives me Hope for the future.
God's Grace.............

So when you think about the year that's past know that yes the world has seen better days but there are so many of us who would step up to the plate to help someone in need...I find so much comfort in that.

Have a New year filled with Hope,faith and love.

The Christopherson's

Paul,Tracie,Abi,Matti,Kaydee
Lola,Minty Bubba and the Birds

Thursday, December 27, 2007 9:42 PM CST

Have you ever seen those people who fall or trip and then they get up really fast and then say "I'm Okay".

That is kind of how I feel...I get knocked down by a situation but then sure enough by the grace of God I bounce right back and "I'm okay".

Abi's health is still questionable to me..Eyes don't look right and she is having issues with her mouth and then throw in the bad rash on both of her hands...I keep putting special cream on them but they don't seem to get better?? It's on the top of her hand from her wrists down to her fingers.
To me it looks like a bad burn I have No idea what to do with it......What kind of Doctor am I???

Everyday I think maybe I should call someone but then I guess I talk myself out of it.
It is almost like what is the point of all this testing..I think we all know what the outcome will be..hopefully it won't be too late.

I just can't pray enough for my Mom and that dumb foot...today she had an MRI to check and make sure the infection hasn't gotten into the bone and luckily it hasn't.

After talking to her tonight her pain was about a 10 on a scale of 1-10 and of course 10 being the worst.
I really don't know how she is holding in there as well as she is ....She could use a little cheer if anyone could send a little card her way I know she would love that.
(Email me and I will give you that address).

Paul has turned into the house "Hero" That's what the girls are calling him..

We were sitting in the living room watching "Grandma Got run over by a reindeer" during that bad snow storm we had when all of a sudden what do we see a GRANDMA walking in knee deep snow down our sidewalk.

I am so not kidding.. anyway there she is out there and here we are watching her wondering what she is doing outside in this weather???
Then she holds onto a tree like to catch her breath and then walks a little more and then sits down by this time she is at the end of the block......Then we realized we must save her !!!!So Paul puts on his cape and super hero outfit (Okay his gloves and coat) and goes to the rescue!!!

Good news is he did save her bad news was she really couldn't remember where she lived.(It's always something around here)..ha ha

No big plans for the New Year (shocked I know) probably hang out at home and sing a little kareoke we do use our little pink stage quite a bit.
Hopefully I won't have to eat any more suger cookies I swear if I do green and red sprinkles are going to start coming out of my ears.

As far as New Years resolutions I think my main one will be to pray more.......Get in shape (everyone picks that one).......Try and give more to make a difference.....Be nice to Doctors and Nurses that should be at home doing crosswords instead of having a medical degree.........Wave at the people holding signs by Target.......Try and play more........Drink more wine.......keep my hands out of my pockets in case someone needs one........Try not to write in to the paper when I get angry about something...

Prayers going out to Cristine Tombarge who is pregnant with twins the baby girl could use extra prayers.......Prayers going out to Steve and Calley who will be having surgery.....Continued prayers for Mark,Anna,Cristina,Gavin and His almost here sibling,Kira in Australia,Braydon,My Mom and her foot,Joe,Tom,Dick, Mary our neighbor who recently lost her Brother,Lots more that are in my Heart......

Have a New Year full Of God's Love and Blessings....

LY Tracie

Tuesday, December 25, 2007 9:58 PM CST

We really had a wonderful Christmas....I just have a big smile on my face when I think about it.
Of course Santa brought the girls what they wanted and Paul and I too.
I wish my Mom's Christmas could of been a little brighter she wasn't able to come to our house this year because her foot has a pretty bad infection....We decided to go to her on Christmas Eve since we always spend it with her and it wouldn't be the same without her.
I just really can't believe she is still after two months having this much pain and trouble with her foot....Yikes!

Abi has been doing pretty well some issues here and there but overall she is hanging in there.
More testing for her coming up on the 3rd.
Her bladder issues have gotten a lot worse lately.

I really believe that what is ahead is probably not going to be an easy road but for this Christmas and this small frame of time we had a Holiday filled with more blessings then we could of prayed for.
So I will take that and be thankful for it and go forward feeling a little stronger.

"It's a Wonderful Life"

Prayers of healing for my Mom and prayers going out to all..

I have so much to be Thankful for tonight I could never narrow it down to 5 things....LY Tracie

Thursday, December 20, 2007 10:10 PM CST

We sure have been Blessed this Christmas by so many wonderful people...Abi woke up today and said "I wonder what Christmas miracles will happen today"??????

Today I took my Mom to Target and even though it tends to take a little longer It was fun to be able to be out together.

Abi is going to try and make it to school tomorrow, she so badly wants to be involved in the Christmas fun that will be going on.
I told her we would see what the night brings...she is just having so many issues and I just don't know what has started all this back up again.

For now the focus will be on having a Nice Family Christmas all that junk will still be there when it's over.
That's the joy of chronic illness you can put it on hold and it never goes away it just waits for you.....

Matti has the school bug bad!!Not sure what magic Mrs. Peach is doing in her class but Matti informed me she doesn't want Christmas break...It's too long to be gone from school!! Wow I about fainted.

special prayers for Peter Joncas who will be having surgery Friday and prayers of healing for Glenn Bergem who had Brain surgery today to remove a tumor.
Of course prayers going out to all of you may The holiday bring you Peace (Even if it's for a little while).

MY 5
1. Christmas blessings
2.New Gloves
3.Haircuts from Santa
4.Having the kids off school ( I can stay in my PJ's longer)
5.Wondering what Paul is up to...Boiling eggs and water and saving bottles (We drew names and are making crafts for each other) Paul has Matti,Kaydee has Me,Matti has Abi and I have my Mom.

Have a nice day....LY

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 10:05 PM CST

Dear Santa,

This year I feel like I have been pretty good If you don't count a couple things here and there.
I'm pretty sure whatever I did that was bad wasn't my fault or maybe a big misunderstanding.

There are so many things I want so I guess I should get started with my list.

I want one day at a time wrapped with a bow...I want to stay in the moment when things seem okay and manageable and not go fast forward to a place where fears of the ahead scare me.

I want Peace in the world and not just the kind that everyone wishes for I want people loving and helping each other and I want the war to be over and instead of walking around with our hands in our pockets maybe we should leave a hand out in case someone needs it.

I want No more scales that measure self worth and If I want to eat a snickers I don't want to feel guilty about it in the morning.

I want Parents to buckle their children safely in their car seats and then kiss them goodnight before bed.

I want the Medical world to take Moms and Dads seriously and treat us like we know what we are talking about when it comes to our children's health.

I Want Families who are trying their best to get by not to lose their homes.

I want food on peoples tables and warm slippers on their feet.

I want children to not feel pain or unhappiness...I want them to know the joy of being a child and not have that taken away by illness or abuse.

I want People to not look at our family as though we have had it rough but instead How blessed we are.

I want people to not have to be so strong I want them to know that God is there to help them.

I want church to be a place where I want to be but I do not want it to define my faith by my attendance.

I want to be okay with my life that I don't have to sit up at night and eat to comfort myself.

I want things to be stable but at the same time unpredictable.

I want to sit on the floor and play Polly Pockets and not worry that I haven't cleaned the house.

I want to give without expectations of receiving.

I want there to be no such thing as school bullies..I want everyone to just play and not worry about who likes who and who is fat,thin or different.

I want my children to be well and not have the threat of surgeries and hospital stays constantly at our back door.

I want friends and family close by and never too far from reach.

I want to be able to hug someone and let them know that maybe I'm not alright instead of always saying "I'm Fine".

I want Chicken and dumplings in the crockpot and a warm bubble bath at the end of a busy day.

Well I think That covers it for this year....I don't expect to get everything I asked for but whatever you could do would be great.
Say Hi to Mrs. Claus and the Elves.

Love,
Tracie

Prayers going out to Glenn Bergem,Peter Joncas,Mark,Anna,Cristina,Gaby,Kira,Allison,Gavin,Tom,Uncle D,Braydon,Chiari Family,MCAD kids

Tuesday, December 18, 2007 10:03 PM CST

The Christmas program was really cute..little kids are so funny.

Abi decided to go along but kind of wished she hadn't I think after she was there a while...I just can't help but feel there is more then a bad cold going on?? I know she has stuff going on but I mean something besides usual stuff.Hopefully this strong Antibiotic will work soon.

Matti and a boy from her class were exchanging looks during the Christmas program her face was beaming!! Whatever happened to Barbie dolls and that glow when Mom walks in the door..Boys!! I'm really not ready for that chapter yet.

The sleep study is set up for Abi on the 28th of January and then she will stay the next day for more testing.
It should be pretty interesting we've never done an overnight testing before.

I read something today that I wanted to share with you...

We celebrate Christmas at the darkest time of year,knowing there is a light within us that transcends any darkness.-Daily word

My 5 Things I'm grateful for

1.Kaydee and how sweet she looked up there singing.

2.The way Christmas makes everything going on in the world okay and better somehow.

3.Being Thankful

4.My Mom being able to make it to Kaydee's concert.

5.Matti trying to teach me how to make snowflakes out of paper and scissors.

May this day bring a smile to your face and lots of cookies in you tummy.
Prayers going out tonight to all the people I hold so close in my heart...LY Tracie

Monday, December 17, 2007 10:38 PM CST

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could buy everyone a present..I really love giving people gifts because I think some people really don't realize the impact they have on your life.

The Christmas countdown continues I really can't believe it's almost here!!
Kaydee went to see Dr B today for her 5 yr check-up..and as fate would have it today was Santa Claus Day.

Santa was there to hand out a toy and take pictures with the girls..Kaydee and Abi loved it! I swear He was the real deal..You could just see the kindness in his eyes. It was too bad Matti wasn't there but santa sent a toy home for her.??

KK's exam went well but she is still way way way off the charts for her height and weight.
Dr. B mentioned that maybe after the Holidays we could cut back on her portions a little.
Our only healthy child and we have to put her on a diet??
To me she looks like the perfect picture of a healthy 5 year old.
She ended up getting three shots in the leg..Ouch!

Tomorrow we have Kaydee's school program..I am so excited to see it I love that stuff and the best part is Kaydee loves to perform.
knowing me I'll probably cry through the entire show.

Didn't hear anything from the test results today not sure I want to anyway..I think Denial is best around the Holidays.

If Abi doesn't start feeling better pretty soon she is going to miss another full week of school.
Hopefully the new medicine will kick in tomorrow or the next day.
She is sad because she's missing out on all the school Christmas fun.

Poor Paul had to struggle with her to do some Homework tonight she just doesn't feel like it but she has to get some of it done.

Pretty exciting stuff tonight I know(boring)...who knows though what tomorrow will bring..you can never tell with the Christopherson family.

Tonight we read the story about the shoe maker and the tiny Elves...It was a good one because the Elves secretly help the Shoemaker by making shoes at night when the store is closed.....Which in turn gives the shoemaker and his wife Money because they sell the shoes and then are able to eat and not be so poor........Finally they find out who is doing the good deed and then in return they make the little elves new fancy clothes and that makes them very happy.

The Moral and great part of the story is....The little Elves helped the shoemaker with no intention of getting anything in return except the knowledge and heart glowing feeling that they helped someone in need.
I have always gone by the saying "You've got to give it away to keep it".
I believe God wants us to be there for each other and I think when one of us is down God works through us to help that person back to their feet.
The catch however is we have to be open to do that...Don't you think we have an opportunity everyday to change the world just a little?
A smile,Pick up a pen,Hold a door,make just one persons life easier somehow.
I remember shopping at Cub at Thanksgiving time They had the five dollar feed the Hungry bags that are so simple you pick them up and the drop them in the box.
I didn't see out of all the hundreds of shoppers around not one person had a bag...I thought to myself why is that??

Have a great day..LY lots

Sunday, December 16, 2007 10:07 PM CST

Friday's testing ended up being a little long but not too painful.
First Abi had a Renal ultrasound, that went well while we were on the kidneys but then the person doing our scan totally changed her tune when we got to the bladder.
Not sure why because of course they can't tell you anything...If that's the case they should be able to hide their expressions when they think there is something wrong and just have a standard smile.

The bad part is I've had this sick feeling in my stomach all weekend because I'm a little worried.
I have no idea what could even be wrong with a child's bladder????

The next stop on our Gillette journey was Dr. Garcia (sleep Doctor) Basically he talked with me for a while and came up with a couple interesting things that could possibly be causing her sleep issues.
We will be doing a sleep study and some other tests after Christmas.

Speaking of Abi she is still under the weather..cough,runny nose and alot of headaches,neck pain and hand/leg issues..You can tell we are off her nerve pain medication (I almost want it back).

Tomorrow it is off to Dr B with Kaydee for her 5 yr check-up.
I will be taking Abi too since she will be home again from school maybe he will check her out too.....Hope so.

I found out tonight that maybe I'm not meant to be a surgeon after all....Matti has this little Nutcracker and not realizing that it was just for show and really not for nuts she tried it...needless to say it broke and then just like every Female in this house tears rolled down her face until finally she fell asleep.
So me being the Doctor that I am figured how hard could this be??for goodness sake I removed stitches.
Finally after a 30 minute surgery and an hour drying time I then realized I glued the mouth of this scary kind of creepy Nutcracker upside down!!!OOPS

The energy around here is definitely high the girls are so excited for Christmas to be here they can hardly stand it...Every day I hear the official countdown...It's fun to see the anticipation in their eyes.
As always we make sure that the true meaning isn't lost I feel it is important to just remind them that it's not just about the Big red suit guy.
Kaydee learned that " J is for Jesus" at preschool so we hear that about 10 times a day...

Have a blessings filled Monday ...Give some and be open to receive some ...LY

MY 5

1. Knowing that Matti didn't take the Santa at Walmart seriously (It reminded me of a drunk down on chicago that needed a shave)by the way the pictures were free!!! No Thank you.

2.Remembering the Christmas Nutcracker story..maybe if I put Matti's under the Christmas tree it will turn into a prince instead of an upside down scary Nut man.

3.The fact that her bladder whatever can't be extremely serious since they didn't rush us to surgery.

4.Friends, and how important they are.

5.Flannel PJ pants.

Prayers going out ......

Thursday, December 13, 2007 9:08 PM CST

Boy it sure is quiet here tonight..I must say I do miss my mom being here.
Moving her back home today was a little more work then expected.
It's amazing all the stuff you can accumulate in 6 weeks.
I did get her all settled in and then went to the grocery store and got her all stocked up.
My living room seems so big now without a bed in here.

Looks like our weekend activities are going to have to be canceled...Abi is still pretty sick and getting worse as times go by. Today her face was so pale it was like someone drained all her color out.
I called the clinic and all they are doing is changing her medication to a different one..I pray that will do the trick then we will see Dr. B next Friday.

Abi is pretty upset that we won't be going to see Santa and have fun at Paul's work party ..maybe next year.

Tomorrow Abi has testing at Gillette she has several tests one is an ultrasound of some sort and then the other stuff has to do with sleeping.
I feel bad making her go when she doesn't feel good but I really can't cancel because it's pretty important we get all this checked.

The more I think about the people who are fighting the war and their families at home the more it breaks my heart.
It is so unfair that they can't be with the ones they love at Christmas ..so tonight my prayers are going out to them.

Have a wonderful weekend full of Gods Grace.

MY 5
1.My Mom doing well enough to go home (It was like taking in a wounded bird feeding it loving it and then it's time to let it go on its own) ha ha okay not exactly like that!

2.Having my living room back.

3.Christmas blessings.

4.Paul being so great about having my Mom live here for so long..What a guy.

5.Knowing I really don't have to do a lot this weekend even though it would of been fun.

FYI: While Christmas grocery shopping please buy a little extra for the food shelf they really need it this year!!!!

LY Tracie

Tuesday, December 11, 2007 8:45 PM CST

"Every kiss begins with Kay" Okay we get it already!!!
I do love Christmas but as you know those commercials get to me.

Today was busy Mom's Doc day....I'll have you know the Doctor was very pleased with my skilled hands.
It looks like I'll be letting my Mom go I guess it's time....I think Thursday will be the big day.
I must say we will sure miss her around here I'm sure lots of tears will flow even though she's just going to Roseville.
We really enjoyed our time together.

Looks like Abi will probably miss all week of school today she just really felt terrible.
Neck pain has really been an issue, for some reason she is having a lot of discomfort on her incision.
The phone calls have already started with Appointments for testing a lot of the tests I can't even pronounce.
Friday will be the first one with the sleep Doctor.

This weekend will be a busy one and hopefully everyone will be up to the challenge and feeling good.
Saturday we are going to Paul's work Christmas party it is so fun for the kids they get to talk to Santa Claus and pet a reindeer and lots more just fun stuff.
Matti's a little nervous because the one year we did go the reindeer tried to eat her hat.

We have joined a new organization called "Hopekids" It's goal is to give children and their families Hope...they plan activities on a monthly basis for families...It is just really a chance for us to connect with other parents who "Get IT".
We go for our first group on Sunday I'm really looking forward to it.

Lola's got a new Christmas sweater and may I say she looks fabulous, not only do the girls dress better then me now the Dog does.

Thanks for checking in and please leave a note....LY

Prayers going out to Mark, Matti's teacher Kim Peach could use your prayers for her Father ,Allison,Anna,Cristina,Kira,Braydon,Gavin,Tom,Paul's Uncles Tom and Dick,Denny,Chiari club,MCAD family.

Have a day full of Candy canes and God's Love.

Monday, December 10, 2007 8:45 PM CST

I just love Christmas......The air just seems better the overall feeling is a good comforting one.
It just somehow restores your faith in God and in people.

Things around our house are busy as usual..Abi is still home from school she just can't get rid of her cough.
Her medication was started on Friday but it's really not doing the trick.

Today I really stretched my doctor skills to a new level.
My Mom just had a terrible time last Tuesday when the Doctor tried to take her stitches out.
We decided that I had seen it done enough so I was up for the challenge.
I must say I was a little sweaty and a tiny bit nervous but Dr. Tracie completed the task..Really I think this was my first official surgery.

Paul is really getting into the Christmas spirit and I'm worried that the girls have really gotten to him.
He built a "Polly Pocket" Christmas snow display in the basement with lights fake snow and the little Polly Pocket dolls dressed in their best winter wear.
Needless to say I was a little worried about him but the girls loved it!!

I've been baking a lot the only problem is I'm not too good at it so everything I make only half of it is edible.
Practice makes perfect I guess or it just makes a big mess in the kitchen.

I hope all of you are taking in some of the beauty of this season.....have a good day.

MY 5
1. I just can't believe how many wonderful people we are blessed to have in our life.
2. The Holiday season.
3. Getting my Mom's stitches out.
4. Matti doing so well in school.
5. The way God shows His love in so many ways.

Prayers going out......LY

Thursday, December 6, 2007 9:34 PM CST

Where do I begin???

Dr.P said the syrinx is basically the same no bigger but still large.
We are going to go in for testing..everything from Urology to sleep testing and then Nerve tests to see if all the messages are going to the nerves and brain like they are suppose to.

During all the testing if one thing shows to be off even a little we will proceed with the spinal cord surgery.

He just wants to know that he needs without a doubt to go forward with this.
I am glad that he is being cautious but on the other hand it's very frustrating for me.

Also she will be weaning off her medication in order to get a clean slate..we started that tonight.
We are having a big issue with her breathing..she seems to get shortness of breath alot but really bad when she lays down.
In order to rule out Bronchitis or pneumonia I have to take her to children's clinic to get that checked out tomorrow.

Abi was pretty scared today thinking for sure He would set her up with a surgery date..instead we have a million things to do first.

I guess the thing to do now is Enjoy the Holiday season and let the cards fall where they may.
Thanks as always for your prayers and constant support..
I will check back in with you tomorrow after we have her checked out.

I know Abi is in God's hands and that brings me comfort tonight..........LY Tracie

Wednesday, December 5, 2007 7:01 PM CST

It's the day before the BIG day..I wonder if Doctors know how much they alter our lives.
I really do not know what to expect tomorrow?? Will it be one of those "Let's wait and check in a month" or "We have to do something because things aren't getting better"?????????

I guess we will see..It's almost like I wait for him to come in and determine our fate.

It will be sad when my Mom isn't here she adds such a calming agent to our crazy house.
Tonight I watched her sitting and doing word searches with Matti and during the day she colors with Kaydee then watches HGTV with Abi....I enjoy having her around.

Christmas is sure coming up fast seems like I was just thinking about Thanksgiving and now it's time for Santa to pop down the chimney.

If we do end up having to go down the surgery route I don't know if before Christmas is better or after Christmas??? they both have good and bad points.(Not that I would want it either way if there were a choice).
I just want tomorrow over with and then I can work on dealing with the next step.

Once again we have qualified for the Nativity cookie tin..this is our fourth consecutive year!!
The goal of course is to not receive it but it does make you feel good.( Thanks Cheryl)

Have a nice day and enjoy the spirit of the season..LY

Prayers welcome for tomorrow..Thanks

Tuesday, December 4, 2007 10:13 PM CST

Not really too much new to report..Just waiting.

Moms appointment went okay they tried to get her stitches out but that was not a good idea I guess.
They removed her cast and finally told her she could slowly start to put a little pressure on her foot...we will see how it goes.

Thanks for the E-mails I love getting them...

Gods blessings to you all

LY Tracie

Monday, December 3, 2007 10:01 PM CST

Around Christmas the girls see toys on TV and Yell "I want that".
I was sitting here tonight and caught myself doing it when they showed new cleaning items..mini vac,mops...I know boy I'm exciting.

I feel like I'm walking around on unsettled ground and until Thursday I'm sure it will be this way.
I just feel like I have a lump in my throat.
I just have to think God wants whats best for Abi and He will let me know what to do.
I can see her struggling and it hurts my heart that she has to be so strong.
I just feel like we probably need to do something..unfortunately.

Matti stayed out in the snow after coming home from school she says she is building an igloo.
I must say it is coming along slow but sure.
She came into the living room and made the announcement that she did not want anyone touching her creation.

Kaydee can't stop singing Christmas songs..the funny part is she adds in her own words when she doesn't know what the official words are.

My Mom will be going to the Doctor tomorrow she is hoping for a walking cast...we will see.

So many prayers go out for people and families that have to face medical "Stuff"..I pray for better days ahead for all of us.

MY 5
1.Matti and her igloo
2.The girls and I talked about how God shows us he loves us by making things around us beautiful..Matti thinks He sprinkles glitter in the snow.
3.Kaydee and her new skill.. playing harmonica.
4.Trust
5.Taco Bell..bean Burrito no cheese or onion and a cold diet coke.

Love ya and goodnight or day depending when you read this.

Tracie

Sunday, December 2, 2007 9:52 PM CST

Mom and I were sitting here talking about the fact that I never thought I'd still be writing on this page...We decided that Noone ever wants to write on the caringbridge page but if you are ever in the position thank goodness it's here.

We went and did the shunt x-rays Friday but of course we haven't heard anything.
I really can't help but think it has to be a key factor because over the weekend Abi has had headaches that we haven't seen for a while.

The bad news is this really isn't a good time for any surgeries..is there ever a good time for them??? NO!

Thursday we go see Dr. Partington and I'm not sure what he will say, actually I'm a little scared to go.
I know Abi is not doing well but I don't know if I can say OK to that surgery it is too painful(for all of us).

Not real happy about how things are now though either.

Life goes on doesn't it...I just really pray for a nice Christmas for all of us...You too.

That's it for now..have a nice day ..In all the hustle of the busy Holiday make sure you take time to stop and smell the Pine trees.

My 5
1.Going sledding today (a little hill by our house).
2.Watching Hallmark movies over the weekend with my Mom.
3.Paul working hard this weekend so we can park our cars in the Garage.
4.My pink furry slippers.
5.The wonderful people we have around us (You know who you are).

LY Tracie

Friday, November 30, 2007 7:44 AM CST

We had another concert last night ...And it proved to be another tearful one for Matti.
I just told her that there are people who work behind the stage to get things ready and there are people who perform on the stage......she is probably the behind the scene type.
I must say though with tears coming down she still did all the routines.

Today it is off to Childrens with Abi..we will be getting a shunt series done (That is where they take a look at all her shunt tubing)...It never really shows anything for us that is but who knows.

Enjoy the snow this weekend for those of you here in MN.

Thanks for being here this week....I'm going to just enjoy the weekend and focus on the beauty of the season.

Blessings to all...LY

Wednesday, November 28, 2007 8:48 PM CST

The more we live this type of life the harder it seems to be on us all.
Paul and I have been in the "If we can just get through this"
mode for so long it's hard to be any way else.

As far as the scan it was sent to us but really doesn't change the picture too much.
It said that the syrinx has decreased a minimal amount but the funny thing is it measures longer now??
So does that mean it got smaller in width?? Who knows and really by this point I'm not caring to much.

I feel like once again we are out here going could you help us out...and they are over there saying we'll get to you when we can.

Basically I have no idea what this will mean.. what I do know is she is having alot of symptoms so will he let that go on??
Lately Abi has been really tired and really not herself.
I have kept her home because she isn't sleeping and has a bad almost gaging dry cough...I can't help but feel it's her shunt I know you probably get sick of me saying that but by the look in her eyes I can just tell.

My Mom is still not able to walk (they won't let her) so the cast is still on and she is just stuck for now.
We are all getting along really well but I feel bad for her that this is still going on and on.

I haven't written my 5 not because I'm not grateful but just because I feel so rushed at night for now.

Thanks for checking in...Love ya

Tracie

Prayers going out.........

Monday, November 26, 2007 7:14 PM CST

Is it true that no news is good news??? Not always.

We really didn't learn anything today noone was around to tell us anything so we are pretty much uninformed until next Wednesday.

Of course I will be sending off for the x-ray report tomorrow maybe I can find things out that way.

Abi is very tired tonight and glad to be home (me too).

Thank you for your prayers and nice messages.

P.S. And yes our picture was once again in the paper (I know your sick of us) I was very surprised to be going through the paper and there we are on the front page of the business section.

Have a nice day...LY

Sunday, November 25, 2007 10:02 PM CST

Yes, we have been here before and No it doesn't get any easier..
Tomorrow we go for The MRI and I just have such a sick feeling in my stomach.
I always have hope in my heart but I also know what will be will be no matter how I want it to go.
I know so many of you have given us your prayers over the years but if it is okay I would like to ask for some more.

I'm not sure what to ask you to pray for I'm not even sure what I should ask for...I guess just for Gods will and the strength to handle whatever comes.

I would love a note if you have time.

Thank you and prayers going out to you also....I know so many of you need them.

LY Tracie

Saturday, November 24, 2007 7:46 AM CST

I woke up wondering this morning if Superman ever said to himself "I do not have the strength to go out and jump tall buildings today".

Not that I compare myself to a super hero but I myself feel like I don't have the strength to jump over the little buildings that I have going on in my life.

I know when worry takes over because I go to bed starring out the window and I wake up doing the same.
I always say if we get through this MRI on Monday I will feel better....But then what ??? Good news?? I guess there is a chance of that after all I like to be optimistic until
I get shot down like a duck in a shooting range.

I just sometimes find myself wishing for more is that wrong??
We are taught to be thankful for what you have and not to focus on what you don't have ....Is that true when you are in the pursuit of just happiness?
I want to feel that feeling inside when you are not consumed by worry...I want to walk around without a cloud knowing in my heart that tomorrow will bring a better day.
Is that Greed or simply wanting what God has promised.

Sorry this is so deep but as this next hurdle comes up I'm not sure that I'm prepared because I already feel like we've
lost the fight and we haven't gotten in the ring yet.

I guess I should spend this time waking up in prayer asking God to give me strength once again.

Thank you for listening I always feel better when I've been here......Love to all of you.

Prayers going out to all of you I carry in my heart...

Tracie

Tuesday, November 20, 2007 10:01 PM CST

Had some computer problems yesterday buy really nothing too exciting to report anyway.....

Dr. Berkowitz once again stepped up to the plate for us and got Abi an earlier MRI date.
We will be going on Monday and then going over to Gillette afterwards.
The pre-op will be Friday.

I'm just so ready to find out what Is
going on with her..Yes and No I guess.
As usual I'm feeling uneasy about it and hoping Santa brings us something other then a surgery date.

Matti went back to school today but Abi is still sick and not feeling well.
Kaydee hasn't gotten Pink eye yet but does have a bad cold she looks like Rudolph.
Abi's night time issues have gotten worse, tonight I'm increasing her valium to see if that helps and so far I must report it's not.

Mom went to the Doctor for her weekly foot checkup and as she moves forward they send her right back
They put a cast back on and are pretty sure her incision is infected.....Great!! not a good day for her to say the least.
Another two weeks before they even think about letting her put any pressure on her foot.

We decided to put a little Christmas cheer in the air by putting up the Christmas tree.
I think it did help our spirits.

As Thanksgiving day comes around I have so many things to be so Thankful for.....My family that I would be so lost without....My Home that is where I love to be....My Friends New and old that time after time show me that there is no end to their kindness........Gods love that never leaves my side no matter how much I pull away..........The fact that I can have such a very heavy load but I never give up..........Learning along the way that There are always people even ones you don't know that will throw you a life raft when you feel like you are drowning.........

Thank you for the support and love that you have shown us ..I want you to know when I sit down at my dinner table on Thanksgiving You will be one of the things I Thank God for..

Have a Great Thanksgiving...Gods blessings to all of you..LY

Sunday, November 18, 2007 9:55 PM CST

The house of fun continues....We have bad colds possible strep and the pink eye carries on.
Yes, things are a little crazy over here as usual but like the story said If God wants me to carry this load I will no matter how heavy.
If you haven't read the "Ant and the contact" read it..It's on the leave a message page I loved it.

As far as the rush to get an MRI ..ha ha...they called and wanted to change our Dec 6th appt. to Nov. 29th.
Boy that's getting us in fast!! Plus we wouldn't even get to see Dr. Partington on that day we would have to come back on the 6th anyway..So I said no thanks we will keep the 6th.
Once again it proves they don't have to live with this...It doesn't interrupt their life or sleeping.

Figured out the menu for Thanksgiving it will just be us. Mom has decided to hop into the kitchen and make an apple pie with Kaydee so we should have a nice day.

Yes once again I was in the paper (If you haven't noticed I kind of have a big mouth).
I was in the opinion section because of course I had to give my thoughts about the newborn screening article I guess I didn't think they would print it.

As far as tomorrow we will have a full house because I don't think anyone will be going to school.
Trying to decide if I should take anyone in to the clinic I guess I will wait and see.

Have a good Monday and remember God has plans for each of us...I think they are good ones.

MY 5
1.Getting outside for a walk today.
2.Paul cleaning the basement.
3.My Mom being here (we like the same TV shows).
4.Applebee's takeout for dinner (Thanks CJ).
5.My thoughts being in the paper I am so behind the Importance of Newborn screening.

Prayers going out .....Braydon,Steve,Cristina,Tom,Allison,Kira,Anna,Mark,Gavin,
Joe,MCAD kids,Chiari gang, Those in my heart.

LY .....leave me a note and say HI!!!

Tracie

Thursday, November 15, 2007 9:44 PM CST

I finally got some answers today...I ended up calling Dr B. yesterday to ask him about Matti and then I went into the Big story about the stuff going on with Abi.
He said that he would contact Dr. Wical and Dr. Partington and find out what is going on.

When he called me back today His thoughts and pretty much everyone else's was to get the MRI as soon as we can.
That is where we are now.

After I hung up with Him I felt that feeling that is so familiar ..that sick scared everything is about to change feeling.
I don't need an MRI to know what is going on.

One of the things I hate in all this is the fact that there I am celebrating my daughters 5th Birthday and all I can do is sit there and be upset about All of this.
So many of life's moments are lost because of worry and fear.

Tonight I just kind of find myself sad not wishing my life was different but just having trouble taking it all.

LY

Thursday, November 15, 2007 8:42 AM CST

HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY KAYDEE !!!!!!! We Love You

Tuesday, November 13, 2007 10:03 PM CST

Well still haven't heard anything..yes it is very frustrating to me....I called the number the nurse who was handling things gave me but it ended up being a fax number.

Spent time at Mom's Doctor today they put her in this huge heavy boot and she is not too comfortable tonight that is for sure....She still can't walk on it at all maybe in a couple weeks.

The school nursed called today because Matti has pink eye not the fun kind it's pretty bad in both eyes so I will be taking her in tomorrow.

Paul and I went to school conferences tonight and I must say they both went really well I left there feeling really good about things.
I told Abi's teacher that it amazes me that she can even focus since she isn't sleeping..tonight it is the same she just rolls around and cries...I feel so helpless not sure how to help her I can't give her anymore meds then I am now.

It is nice to hear that the girls are doing good it makes my heart happy!
I really like both of their Teachers so much..they do a great job.

Today was a rough one so I will be turning in....goodnight.

My 5
1. Mrs. Peach (Matti's Teacher}
2. Mrs. Hicks (Abi's teacher)
3. Kaydee having her Birthday party at preschool tomorrow.
4. The girls doing well in school.
5. Eating candy tonight ( I guess I'm not as strong as I thought).

Monday, November 12, 2007 9:25 PM CST

feeling a lot of frustration tonight..........I tried to get some answers today about what Dr. Wical wanted us to do?????

The nurse finally called and told me that Dr Wical feels Abi should have the Spinal cord surgery(the one we decided to wait on) because she feels the swelling in the cord is causing this increase in symptoms.
Her feelings were that we should see Dr.Partington ASAP!!
She also is setting up a sleep study at Gillette to make sure Abi is not struggling at night and that is what wakes her up.

Now we wait to hear when we can see Dr. P.....Tonight Abi is crying because she is having a lot of leg pain..I don't know if I can do anymore then I am.

Of course this is all very bad timing since I'm still getting my Mom back to normal and we still have a ways to go.
Tomorrow we go to the Doctor again and she will get another cast (I think this is #5).
Kaydee did have an appointment with her throat surgeon but I canceled it because I feel she is fine and if she isn't I would rather have her see Dr. B.

I guess our roller coaster is approaching another dip "Hold on"!!!

MY 5
1. Kaydee singing her Turkey song she learned at school.
2.Abi's earrings went in...(I could only get one of Matti's)
3.still not eating sweets( but I feel like I'm going to fall off the wagon any minute).
4.My Grandma is going home tomorrow from the nursing home.
5. The nice weather .

Couple prayers for people in the "Big House"...Steve( I guess that truly proves bad things do happen to good people), Allison who is getting a little shunt treatment at the Gillette spa.

LY all...Tracie

Sunday, November 11, 2007 9:42 PM CST

I just sometimes forget that we have all this "stuff" going on with Abi and just when I start to feel comfortable life reminds me again.
I guess there was some mix-up last week after my first call to Dr. Wical because Dr Partington had ordered some tests for Abi ASAP and we never got those instructions.
I know there is something going on with Abi but I'm not sure what they want to check.

Right now being a home care nurse is hard work but my Mom is a great patient so that helps.
Today we took her on a trip to Target and she rode around in the Automatic shopping cart on wheels...sounds good but after running into a wall of jewelry and then taking down a rack of watches I knew it would be a fun adventure....Luckily nobody was hurt and her driving did improve.

I was completely shocked by the front page of the paper today...The debate about newborn screenings and if they invade privacy...Give me a break!! I was so upset by that I had to stop reading the paper and write a comment to the editor.
We almost lost Matti 5 different times because Florida didn't do newborn testing If we would of known what Matti had from day one it would of saved her and us from alot of pain and worry.
Why would parents rather live in denial granted we all would do it if it worked but really it never does. Okay I'm done now.

The weekend just flew by and now it is time to start a new week ....Who knows whats in store.

Prayers going out to Steve(Who went to the hospital today),Cristina,Tom,Allison,My Mom,Grandma,Mark,Braydon,Abi
Anna,MCADS, Chiari family.

MY 5
1. My Mom and her driving skills and how hard she laughed when watches were flying .
2. Paul and all the extra work he's doing to help out.
3. Hanging out with my Mom.
4.
5.

Saturday, November 10, 2007 9:19 PM CST

Well it looks like I still have a job according to Tracie. I wasn't even aware of the fact that I was fired. Isn't that that way it goes guys? We are always the last to know.

I was playing a video game early this morning, and I realized there is one thing that "life" needs, that video games have.
If life had a "save game" button, wouldn't that be great? we could go back to the part before something bad happened in our life, and take however many time it takes to get it right. But that is not the way life works. If we could actually do that, we wouldn't be able to grow as people. As much as I want to go back and change all the things that have happened to our family, I know that if I did, I would not be able witness the miracle of support that has been given to us. I would not be able to see the amount of strength that my wife and daughters have. With all the crazy things that life has thrown our way, I still consider myself a lucky man. All you have to do is spend a day in my shoes and look around. You would then realize what I am talking about.

Anyway, last week I mentioned that the Vikings football season was pretty much over, and the next day the were spectacular. So, I am going to try it again this week. There is no way that we can beat the Pack on their turf.

Take it easy everyone,
Paul

Thursday, November 8, 2007 9:42 PM CST

Today has been so busy....The good news is Riley is home and safe I think he wanted to visit some friends at the pound and have a sleepover.

Spent the morning at the nursing home and the word is my Mom will be getting out tomorrow'
Of course I rushed home after hearing that and got the house transformed into a Healing center...I really hope all goes well this time..I must say I do feel a little more prepared.

Bad news is today I fired my husband (You can do that ya know)
But then I decided to hire him back.......Can you imagine my first date with someone new...........Hi I'm Tracie I'm 41 and I'm currently off sugar because when I get stressed I over indulge anyway I have three girls two of them with serious medical issues.
I have a dog ,four birds and A Rat named Minty..I have a house I can't afford oh yea it needs new windows we have a mold thing anyway I have a great van granted it's a 95 Mazda It runs fine...I look really good in dim lighting and my Hobbies include well pretty much nothing.
I'm very head strong and pretty much any habit a male has bugs me..But I get along with people and have great conversation skills I cook really well but I don't bake or sew or Iron other peoples clothes.

Now you see why I hired him back..Ha Ha

Have a nice weekend and expect greatness because I do believe that is what God wants for us.

MY 5
1. My Husband
2. Riley being home
3. My Mom coming to stay with us
4. The fact that I'm so over my sugar cravings (Right)
5. Parking $$$

LY Tracie

Thursday, November 8, 2007 9:16 PM CST

Good news Riley is home and Happy.....My Mom will be coming home with me tomorrow!! Please send some prayers her way.

Have a good weekend...LY

Wednesday, November 7, 2007 8:18 PM CST

PLEASE PLEASE.........We need your help finding a Black Lab (male) with a Blue collar....1 yr old.
His name is Riley

St. Anthony/ North East Mpls area

If you see a dog that matches this description please call
The Knutson Family 612-235-0719

We need him back home!!!!!Thank you for your help

LY Tracie

Tuesday, November 6, 2007 9:26 PM CST

Not sure if anyone is like me..but when I feel stressed I seem to think the cure is sweets!!
Have sweets ever helped a situation? No...but for some reason I continue with this failing remedy.
If I were to have blood taken right now it would indeed come out as chocolate....Yep, just like the river at Willy Wonka's factory.
So just like with every thing that doesn't seem to work in your life you have to do something differently.
So I Tracie Christopherson will be giving up sweets until Christmas...Feel free to join me....I'm replacing sweets with prayer(Not as instantly gratifying but much more effective).

Kaydee and I spent pretty much the entire day waiting at the Doctors office..I guess the Doctor had to replace my Mom's cast three times for some reason they couldn't get it right.

She is in a full leg cast now at least instead of that very uncomfortable splint.
The Dr requested that she stay at the Home for at least another week.
I was very disappointed about that but what can you do.
It would be so much easier with her here instead of having to run back and forth all the time.

Still No phone calls from Dr. Wical about the Meds. I guess I will stick with my combination until it doesn't work anymore.
I did get a call from the U of M (Matti's clinic) and she told me that MCAD kids usually do not qualify for SSI unless it has caused a learning disability or other circumstances.
I guess I'm happy we don't qualify.

Kaydee's 5th Birthday is coming up on the 15th it's hard when your youngest is growing up so fast.

My 5 things
1.My Mom getting a cast.
2.Blessings
3.Abi having great BFF's....
4.Knowing I don't have to put any more candy in my mouth.
5.Chinese food

Leave a note we'd love to hear from you...

Prayers going out for Allison,Cristina,Heather,Anna,Mark,Braydon,Gavin,My Mom,My Grandma,Kira,those in my heart..........

Halloween picture of the girls on the photo page..check it out.

LY Tracie

Monday, November 5, 2007 9:46 PM CST

A fellow Chiari friend wrote to me and said "Sometimes instead of saying Why Me??? Say Why Not me".

I just love that..It seems to give me strength somehow..almost like all this is doable.

Today was a little frustrating I called Dr. Wical (Abi's head Doctor) I just can't help but think we are having some medication issues and I'm not sure what to do.
I never received a call back so I guess I have to figure it out myself until they get in touch with me....So tonight I just mixed a little Lyrica , Valium and topped that off with a little motrin....I'm really pleased with the result seems to be a good combination.

I really feel the only reason I play doctor is because most of the time I don't have a choice.

On the bright side Kaydee is back at school and happy!!! Today went really well at preschool.

For some reason Matti has taken someones laugh from her class..She keeps doing this laugh that is a cross between a Hyena and a drunk clown ..I kept asking her where she got it and her comment was a boy from her class because she likes the way He laughs..I asked if she could put it in her backpack and give it back. PLEASE

It's that time of year again "Window mold" I'm going to really try and stay ahead of it this year It's a good thing I'm competitive.

Tomorrow I'm taking my Mom to her doctor appointment..Hopefully she will be getting a new cast because the one she has now doesn't fit very well..Also I will be out hunting for a wheelchair and bath chair since Medicare will not cover it..once again our wonderful health care system.

I have decided to try and get SSI for Matti again we were denied once but I thought since her medical needs have become more now that we should try again.
Can't hurt.................

I remember a time when Abi was in ICU (A long time ago) At childrens and she was just screaming because they were taking a pressure monitor out of her head while she was awake....I will never forget the sound of that....What I also remember is I was standing outside the room along with Paul's Aunt and Uncle with tears streaming down my face and
Patty looked at me and said "Tracie, Abi is going to do Great things". I will never forget that and somehow it made the situation better.

In her 9 years she already has done so many wonderful things I couldn't even count them all...

I guess when we are in what seems to be the most unbearable of situations....For me God is the little flicker of hope inside of you that reminds you to wait for the Rainbow.

I hope you have the kind of day that God really wants you to have.....LY

Leave me a note...

MY 5
1. The coziness of Winter.
2. Carole and coffee.
3. Support
4. Watching a mini Tornado in our yard that picked up two large balls and threw them over our fence and across the alley ( I wish it could do that to the million leaves we have laying around).
5. Kaydee having a good day at preschool.

Prayers going out.....

FC

Sunday, November 4, 2007 10:01 PM CST

Sometimes when I journal I have trouble because I may not be feeling what you probably want to hear.
We have so many people praying for us and doing wonderful things to make our life so much easier but still my cloud remains.
I can't seem to get to a level of comfort..I feel like a guard that can't leave Their post.

Abi is starting to have issues again like headaches and neck pain and the nighttime issues are getting worse..Tonight I had to give her Valium and we haven't used that in a while.

I asked her if she thought her shunt was going bad and all she said was the fact that an MRI is coming up soon so if it is we will know.
Soon isn't really true it's not until Dec 6th..Alot can happen between now and then.

I just can't help but think either the syrinx is growing or her shunt is going bad.....I hate when I get that feeling because unfortunately I'm usually right.

I guess I will make some calls tomorrow......I love Mondays!

Kaydee is going to try and go back to school tomorrow she is really nervous about it but I think she will do fine once she gets there....Hopefully we won't have another Preschool
dropout on our hands.

I decided to take the girls on a fun outing to urgent care to get Flu shots....I had an appointment scheduled with Childrens but now that it takes so long to get there I decided to go close to home.
Everyone did really well .....Matti gave me a battle but I'm so used to it now It doesn't matter.

Went to see my Mom today and was able to chat with her for a little while...She keeps asking me what she did to deserve all this?? I'm not to sure it works that way because if that was the case Paul and I would of had to do alot of really bad stuff for the rolls we've been getting...ha ha

Looks like she will be coming here in a week or less to finish up her healing....Just like most things they seem pretty simple and "Same Day" but once you get involved in it things can change into something you wouldn't of expected.
That's life I guess................

I don't even try and get my ducks in a row anymore because for me that is just not gonna happen..I feel like they are everywhere so if you see one send it back to me please..

Remember Monday is just one day ...we can get through it I know we can........Love ya

MY 5
1.Lola laying here beside me sleeping with the TV remote between her two front paws.
2.The girls already so excited about Christmas.
3.White Christmas lights.
4.Paul cleaning the garage today( 1/2 of it).
5. Flu shots over for another year.

Prayers going out

Leave me a note if you have time..a little pick me up.

Saturday, November 3, 2007 8:02 AM CDT

Hi, it's Paul here.
I am going to try to log in on the weekends from now on.
This entry is long because it's the first one. Don't worry, they won't all be this long.

One week ago tomorrow something amazing happened. A story we thought would be somewhere in the business section of the paper, popped up on the front page. The response has been overwhelming. We are so thankful for everything that has happened since then. I would like to point out that the original reason we wanted our story told, was to let people know about the sub prime mortgage issue and how much red tape is involved with getting help. That affects many more people than just us, and you see stories in the paper and on TV about that and the ridiculous number of foreclosures happening every day.

It has been asked "How can you believe in God with all the bad stuff that has happened to you?" all I can say to that is "How can you not believe?" Look at the strength he has given to Abi. Look at the support that has flowed, not only from our city, but all over the world. Look at the power of prayer that has been helped us deal with everything. Look at the number of complete strangers wanting to help. Look at the family and friends that stand by our side through all of this and I challenge you not to believe.

OK, now on to some lighter stuff.
I did enjoy the comment someone put in the guest book about having a support group for dads being the only male in the house. I am so looking forward to teenage years. ha ha. Right now we are in between Barbies and boys. As much as I complain about the Barbie hair clogging up the tub, I am certainly not ready for boys. Although, I also don't know how many more rerun episodes of Hannah Montana I can handle.
Yesterday when I got home, i must have looked pretty tired. Abi asked me why I was so sad. And then Matti asked "is football season over?" Well if you are a Viking fan, maybe.

Sorry for rambling. Have a great day!

Thursday, November 1, 2007 9:58 PM CDT

Spent some time with my Mom tonight I just can't get over how so not colorful that place is..I just want to put her in the car and take her home with me.
Today was a tough day for her and it hurts my heart to know she is in pain and having to go through all this when I know she deserves so much more.
Please keep her in your prayers.....

Tomorrow my Grandmother moves in there so at least I will be able to visit both of them in one spot.

Not sure if my mom will come here after she is done learning her one legged skills..the social worker said the only thing that isn't going to work is the fact we have stairs and no way for a wheelchair to get in.
I'm just not sure she should be by herself..we will see.

Kaydee seemed to be feeling better today because she would not stop talking.....Matti still has such a bad cough wondering if I should run her over to the clinic? she complains that her chest hurts...
Abi is hanging in there a little dizzy now and then and still having bedtime issues but as far as pain goes she is doing pretty well.
As far as her spinal cord issues I'm not sure if all that's better I just think she is very good at adapting with what she's dealt....She's a survivor!!
We will see in December on her next MRI if Santa is bringing gifts or surgery????? I'm praying for gifts.

Now that the Halloween stuff is down and put away I want my Christmas stuff out already..I love the tree and lights just a great time of year if you can get past all the stressful part.

Well here it is my plan for the weekend.....Getting a massage,Go shopping,Have a great dinner out,relaxing at home with candles and a movie with all of us on the couch eating popcorn and Halloween candy.......Okay the last one is a possibility the others doubtful..a girl can dream.

Have a great Weekend and give yourself a hug from me!!
See you back here on Sunday night LY Thanks for being here..

MY 5
1.Nurse call buttons (For my Mom).
2.Hanging out with the girls tomorrow (No school).
3.Abi taking what she is dealt standing strong.
4.Kaydee feeling better and sassy as ever.
5.Matti finally getting a haircut so we can see her eyes again.(She wanted to let it grow out and look cool like the girl on the "Incredibles" who wears it long over one eye).

New pictures coming soon.....

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 10:00 PM CDT

I really enjoyed my time at school today....It's fun to be involved in positive stuff.
I ended up cutting apples and helping the 1st graders get in their costumes.
Funny how 1st graders act so grown up but yet they still do little kid stuff like have food on their faces.
The Halloween parade is always so cute I love looking at all the costumes and seeing people that I haven't seen in a while.

Kaydee ended up going over to Paul's parents because she was still running a Temp last night, then tonight she didn't even want to go trick or treating.....I called the ENT Doctor but they seem to think that it's been two weeks so this really should be taken up with her Pediatrician.
So I called and left a message for Dr. B but haven't heard back yet.

Flu shots are canceled for tomorrow since Kaydee has a fever and Matti is getting worse with her cough.
Abi hasn't been feeling that hot either so I'm thinking serious about keeping them all home tomorrow to get well since they are out of school Friday too.
Then Maybe by the time monday gets here we will be good to go.

My Mom seems to be doing pretty good having more swelling and pain since her therapy started but it seems she will be out of there soon.
The question is will she try and go home or come here??

My Grandmother is doing well too so she should be moving in where Mom is on Friday.

It's been so funny since the article has been out people ask me "How are you"? Normally I would say "Fine" but now I guess all my secrets are on the table..so really I'm not so sure what to say?? I guess I will say
"I'm Blessed".............

Still saying lots of prayers for cristina,Kira,Gavin,Mark,Braydon,Nichole,Rochelle,My Mom,My Grandma,Allison,Anna,Tom,Joanne D,Steve, Many More.....

Love ya ..please leave me a note...Thanks

MY 5
1. Matti's class and Teacher
2.Pizza shaped like a pumpkin
3.Childrens Tylenol ( I wish I could buy it by the case)
4.The mail
5.The School fairy

Have a Great Thursday....God probably has good things in store for you today.....

Tuesday, October 30, 2007 8:51 PM CDT

Today was another busy one ...getting my Mom to the doctor and then back, in the mean time Kaydee was crying because her throat was hurting so bad.... Is this normal to get better and then get worse and run a fever??
I will let it go and then see how it plays out.

The girls are super excited about Halloween (we are such a holiday family).
We will be doing the traditional trick or treat thing and during the day school has the famous costume parade.
I'm going to help out in Matti's class tomorrow so that should be fun I'm looking forward to it.

the good news of the day is my Grandmother had her hip surgery and is doing pretty good..that's a big relief.

Today I scheduled the girls flu shots so we will be getting that out of the way It's not an option for them it has to be done.
Lots of fun that will be...ha ha

Still floating on a cloud because of the article everyone has been so wonderful!

Have a safe and fun Halloween.......BOO

My 5
1.This is the day Paul and I got engaged....I was dressed as crissy and He was Jack Triper.
2.My Grandmother and my Mom doing well.
3.Lots of people with BIG hearts out there.
4.Cirle of life
5.Thinking things will calm down a little???who knows

LY Tracie

Monday, October 29, 2007 9:56 PM CDT

Kind of feeling a little exhausted.... playing the part of Daughter and Mother all in one week is tough work.

I was able to get my Mom out of the hospital today and take her to the care center, she is really feeling so much better.

Tomorrow I'm suppose to pick her up for a doctor Appointment but now Kaydee is running a temp and has really not been feeling good tonight It seems to be her throat.

Matti has a pretty bad cough that is only getting worse.

Abi's been crying since she was put to bed at 8:30 ( I have no idea what is going on there????) I didn't give her the medication she usually gets at night because I thought maybe that's why she is having trouble sleeping...guess not...My feeling is she is probably having shunt trouble again, we are about due for a clog.

I'm just feeling Tired and pulled in lots of directions at once.

I have really enjoyed reading all the E-mails from people in regards to the Star Tribune article..Thank you

I have had several comments about my Not so attractive picture on the front page......I think they were going for that stressed out look....As long as everyone knows I'm prettier then that I'm okay with it..ha ha

We begin a new challenge tomorrow ..My grandmother is going into surgery for her hip..please send some prayers her way...Thank goodness it isn't a "same Day" surgery or as we like to call it "Send us home so we can come back" surgery.

Many of you have made comments about "Steve" all I can say is He's ours and you need to go and get your own Steve!!Ha Ha Ha

Have a Great day !!!

My 5

1.Vicks
2.The warm weather when I have so much running around to do.
3.Dr. Berkowitz calling to let us know he cares (we already knew that).
4.Knowing that I don't always have to look like a movie star when my picture is taken (I'm keeping it real).
5.The feeling I get from prayers and Hugs being sent our way.

Basically it's just a normal night at our house.

Sunday, October 28, 2007 9:12 PM CDT

Just when I thought God was vacationing somewhere drinking holy water and catching some rays....He takes the time to dust me off and put me back on my path.

Finding out the article was coming out on Sunday was not something I was ready for.. I just didn't think I could handle
what I had going on let alone add something else.

Little did I know that running that article would not only bring me the courage I needed but it also reminded me how many wonderful people are in this crazy world of ours.

So having said that....I know our luck (if there is such a thing) is not the greatest and we do tend to draw the short straw ...But the greatest part of all that is when the chips fall we have God and all of you to hold us up and today was a perfect example of that.

I think we all need help in some way or another no one should have to go through stuff alone when there are so many of us around.
It mentioned in the article how we've almost lost our home several times and haven't had money for this or that BUT I always knew in my heart way down deep below the fear and pain that we would be okay.
I wasn't sure how but I just knew and though things still seem to be turbulent I still feel that way.

To me I think that is faith, believing in something that you cannot see.

MY 5 things I'm Thankful for
1.People
2.Putting ourselves out there to show that there are real people losing homes everyday ...we all want the American dream.
3.Jackie and Dave who did a great job telling our story.
4.Believing in things we cannot see.
5.My Mom moving to a Care center tomorrow to start her Rehabilitation program.

Thanks again for your prayers and support.....

LY Tracie

Saturday, October 27, 2007 8:04 PM CDT

I think it's hard when you go through times when you want to just shout "Why".
I don't like to question why things are the way they are because I think we are all taught that "Things happen for a reason" and "Don't worry things will get better".

What if life doesn't get better?? Is there a reward when you go through so many life hurdles?? They say Hardships make you strong we learn from them..There has to be a point though when you've had too much and it breaks you.

Since this happened with my mom I have been so down I just don't get it???
Why does it have to be one thing after another..I used to joke about it but now I'm not laughing anymore.

Last night I really could of used some sleep but of course Abi was awake crying most the night because her head hurt and she had really bad ear pain...before that my mom called from the hospital at midnight thinking it was lunch time.

Needless to say they got her off the morphine drip today so when I was at the Hospital we were able to have a conversation.....I can't believe how much I depend on her strength, It's hard for me to see her like this even though I know it's temporary.

We talked over going into a nursing home today for OT and PT and decided that would be best.
Funny when I'm at the hospital I tend to be a little bossy about her care because it's just habit for me...I guess that can be a helpful tool but the nurses probably don't care for it.
I feel like such an adult I hate it.

The newspaper article comes out tomorrow and the live clip is on the Star Tribune web page ....I watched it twice and cried my eyes out both times Abi cried too when she watched it.

It is tough reading your story in black and white it makes it so real.

Thanks for checking in I really appreciate you being here...

Talk to you soon...LY Tracie

Friday, October 26, 2007 6:47 PM CDT

Spent most the day at the Hospital...You'd think I'd feel comfortable there but I don't.
My mom's pain is a little better BUT she is pretty out of it.
They kept increasing her morphine to get her comfortable but then had to go back a little because her stats dropped.

I left her around dinner time and even though she was sleeping and probably won't even know I was there I cried leaving because I felt bad leaving her there.
it's getting so hard to be strong and I'm not sure I can do it much longer..I'm kind of falling apart.

I was so sad last night because I prayed and prayed for her pain to let up ..I kept asking God to help her..why couldn't He? Why did she have to hurt like that??
I just don't understand all the tests that we must constantly go through.

We heard from Jackie and for sure the story will be running in the star Tribune this Sunday...For real this time!!!

So basically anything you don't know about us you will find out soon enough.

Thanks for your constant prayers for us I would like to say things will get better BUT as we know Life holds no promises.

LY all

Friday, October 26, 2007 9:02 AM CDT

Well once again a MAJOR complication with a same day surgery!!

Mom came home yesterday and was doing pretty well mainly because her leg was numb from a nerve block.
I knew we were in for trouble though because she can't hardly put pressure on her good leg because of knee and hip pain.

I cried myself to sleep last night for the one hour I got because I didn't know how I was going to be able to take care of her and I didn't want to let her down.

Finally around 11:00 the pain started to come and I have seen pain but never like this!!

We gave her pain pill after pain pill and even doubled up with the request of her Doctor but nothing even took the edge off.

We ended up having enough and called an ambulance to take her to the hospital...That was a whole story in it's self because they wondered why we called them because couldn't we take her??
After trying to even move her they soon realized why.

I called up there this morning and she is doing a little better and now on a morphine drip.
Not sure what the next step will be but I would guess a wheelchair and probably a nursing home...not sure we have a choice.

Please send some prayers her way....LY

Tuesday, October 23, 2007 9:40 PM CDT

I worked most the day setting up a bed for my mom in our living room..It turned out nice kind of looks like a room at the Radison Hotel.

I think the hard part about any surgery is the anticipation of the "Big Day".
I just can't wait until it's over and then (for now) the surgery slate will be clear.

Kaydee had a big day today..we went to the grocery store and she seemed to hold up okay but was pretty tired and asking if we were done yet towards the end.

I'm having to get a little extra food since our family will grow from 5 to 6 for a while.
It will be so nice to have my Mom around she fits in so well and I know the girls will really enjoy it...Paul too because I think she's nice to him.
Nothing like a house with five females (six if you count Lola)..and then one Paul.
I think when he was younger and dreamed about lots of women around him He never imagined it like this...ha ha

Abi continues to get hurt on the playground...today it was a hard football thrown at her arm and then hit in the face by a swing..I guess I will start working on her Bubble wrap jumpsuit..not sure what else to do.

I know part of it has to be the fact that she moves around too fast and maybe doesn't pay attention like she should but she's a kid how do you change that.

Kaydee is doing better but when she eats she clears her throat after every bite ..I guess I should just be thankful she's eating.

Matti is doing pretty well but has been a little on the wild side at home I think she's just really tired...Just got the notes from the nurse, in her class there is Head lice and strep throat now that's a nice combination.

It was funny as I was walking tonight I looked around and it seems everything outside has shut down...I think maybe it's Gods way of giving us a time-out.

Have a nice day and please leave a note..I know your there!!

Please send some prayers my moms way on Thursday I would really appreciate it.

MY 5
1.People who make a difference.
2.having such a great and understanding Husband.
3.Debbie(our mail carrier)dropping off Halloween treats for the girls.
4.Taco night
5. A.D. Club

LY

Monday, October 22, 2007 9:57 PM CDT

The girls were so tired when I picked them up from school today...They usually hop in and don't stop talking until we get home..today it was quiet.

Kaydee is showing improvement today....she even ate some food "Real Food".
By the end of the evening though I could tell her throat had enough because she was talking in this little mouse voice.
Not sure when she will be going back to school I guess it's a wait and see situation......................................I've been enjoying the time with her.

Not sure what is going on with Abi it seems she is different..Not sleeping well and she seems either very tired or extremely hyper...maybe a medication problem or shunt I don't know I guess it will play out.

It has really helped me to pray at night for God to show me what I need to know...that way I don't have to lay in bed at night and solve all the worlds problems....Turn it over and then Trust!!! Sounds simple doesn't it but it's usually easier said then done.

Have you ever wondered to yourself if your giving enough back to the world??? I know that sounds funny but it is something I ask myself ??
I wish I could help families understand "Chiari" but to be honest I don't understand it myself.

I just can't believe the homework that fourth grade brings with it...I must say I prefer 1st grade....A spelling sheet and words and were good to go.

We had to make a schedule and hang it on the wall just to keep it all organized...Thank goodness Paul is here to work with Abi on the Math I like the fun projects but growing up in a small Texas town I don't even think they taught more then just basic math...Now farming that was BIG.
That will come in handy when I start that farm in the backyard.

My Mom had her physical today so she is good to go on Thursday, looks like she will be in the hospital at least a day then she will be lucky enough to stay at the "Christopherson Care Center for The young and old".
Doesn't seem like I will be taking my Nurse uniform off anytime soon.

Well I guess it's time for my 5 things I'm Grateful for:

1. People who actually read this (Thanks for being here).
2. Finding a penny today and it was on Heads (good luck).
3. PJ and what a joy she is to this world....she has supported me and my family everyday on this CB page.....Whenever life doesn't go as planned let me tell you she is someone you want on your team...Thanks PJ and Happy Birthday!!!!!!We love you
4.A good Steak and a bottle of wine..Yummy..Thanks Mr. W
5.My walking buddy.

I have so many people I'm praying for I can't possibly list them all...Please know God is hearing from me on a regular basis.....I have free long distance.

LY Goodnight

FC

Sunday, October 21, 2007 10:05 PM CDT

I must say I loved watching "Extreme Home makeover" tonight because it had a well deserving Chiari family.
I don't know why but it was really hard for me to watch it.

Abi watched it and heard them talking about how Chiari can kill you and how serious it is..so now of course she can't sleep and has been crying....she probably didn't need to know all that.

This weekend was tough ,I'm not sure if it's coming off of Kaydee's situation and then preparing for my Mom's surgery on Thursday.....I don't know I just don't feel that "Happy Fall leaves are turning feeling".
Just kind of in a state of Blah!!

Kaydee is doing better she still isn't eating much besides Ice cream and pudding..She is so thin and pale now Paul says she looks like a little China doll.

Still No Newspaper article?? I bet you are starting to think I'm making all this up?? I will let you know when I hear anything.

Tomorrow is Monday and like always I wish you the best..
I think the new verse should be "This is the day the Lord has made let us get through it the best we can".

LY

Thursday, October 18, 2007 9:43 PM CDT

I'm praying for a night without Kaydee screaming..I know she can't help it and maybe it really isn't that loud but during the middle of the night it seems like a siren.

She actually did have a better day today nothing close to where we need to be but better.
She is still only eating ice cream we are trying other foods but they don't seem to go down very well. Since the hospital she won't even look at a Popsicle.

It's nice to have the girls home and we went through the day with no serious fights breaking out.
Kaydee usually spends the day drawing pictures I guess she figures she can't talk alot so she will use that as a way to express herself.

I guess on Sunday "Extreme Makeover" is building a house for a Chiari family...I'll have to watch that.

Abi just keeps crying tonight not sure what is going on there..can't seem to get her to go to sleep.

Well life goes on doesn't it.....I'm praying for a smooth weekend (Not expecting it just wishing for it).

Have a good one...Talk to you on Sunday night.

Prayers going out

LY

Wednesday, October 17, 2007 10:10 PM CDT

I must say this Tonsil thing has been bad news !! Kaydee is still having a terrible time, I just can't believe the pain involved with this surgery she just cries all the time.

She has tried to eat but she has so much gunk back there that she has to cough it down....And now she has severe diarrhea
so we are worried she might dehydrate again.
This has just truly been a nightmare!!

Today my Abi bubble was popped ! I received a call from Gillette telling me when Abi's MRI was going to be scheduled ..... December 6th........It really kind of brought me back to reality , almost like a slap in the face.
Not that I had forgotten about the syrinx but for some reason I guess I chose to ignore it for a while.
Even though I've been knee deep in this Tonsil stuff It has felt good not to worry about all that.
I guess now it will come down to the fact...did We make the right decision to wait on the surgery???? has the situation gotten worse?? Time will tell I guess.

I've been having such a hard time since I've been home..I'm just so stressed out and overwhelmed by everything.
I can't seem to get my feet grounded.....It's so funny how we always think we have so much control in our own lives....Then situations occur to remind us we really don't.

Reminds me of my Dad telling me when I was little about the fact that "Tracie, nothing in life is free ".
I spent so much time trying so hard to prove that wrong but soon found out the hard way everything had a price tag.

Kind of like "Control" thinking of one thing I have total control over is not possible..We always think we are the Lead singer in the band but in all reality we are just the girls in the sparkle dresses dancing and singing back up.

I don't know how many times of things not going your way it takes to learn all this but believe me it's not easy to swallow ...but then again there is a certain comfort in TNC
(Total Non control).
I don't know why I would want it in the first place I can't even sew on a button but yet I can solve the worlds problems..Let me step into my phone booth and spin into my wonder woman costume.

I guess I went on a little long but who cares right..you could of stopped reading if you wanted.
have a nice Thursday and remember "You aren't just a back up singer, you ARE a back up singer". LY

MY 5
1.Being home no matter how crazy it is right now.
2.School being out for a little while.
3.All the great cards that people sent Kaydee...Thanks.
4.My Mom being here to help out.
5.Paul getting up every morning to go to work and he never gets a MEA break.

FC

Wednesday, October 17, 2007 9:49 AM CDT

We are home and Kaydee is doing pretty well..still uncomfortable mornings and nights are the worst.

It will just take a little while to get things back to where they should be.
She has started eating ice cream so that's good because I would think she needs food pretty soon or she's going to melt away.

It just feels good to be out of the hospital..that was a little unexpected vacation.

Thank you for your prayers.......LY

Monday, October 15, 2007 3:02 PM CDT

I'm trying to be nice to everyone..I'm pretty much able to follow through BUT it's the nurse in training and the Doctors in practice that always get me....It really didn't help that the young nurse had a voice like Minnie mouse..I guess i should of closed my eyes and pretended I was in Disney World.

If I had to hear one more person telling Kaydee to "Eat and Drink or you can't go home" I was going to scream...Don't they know that the more you talk about something the more it's a NO !! Guess not..Finally I had to tell the nurse (The regular one not Minnie) that people needed to stop talking about it and then it will happen.

It did work she is drinking better but as far as eating her stomach is really bothering her so she won't!! So they are giving her some stomach medicine maybe that will do it????

The Doctor just came in and it looks like we are staying another night ..Oh well...Probably tomorrow then ?? Never know.

Kaydee has really done nothing but cry today she is so sad, this place I think really scares her lucky for me they do have a room service menu for parents because she does not like me to be far from sight.

I can't wait to hear from the girls to see how school went..I pray Matti Loved her field trip to the farm.

Talk to you later.....Please keep E-mailing me on this or on my personal one because I am getting the messages but I can't respond...It gives me something to do..LY

FC

Sunday, October 14, 2007 7:08 PM CDT

Pretty much a sure bet in all the princess fairytale stories they always live happily ever after..

It is also a sure bet that when The Christophersons have a "No Big Deal" sameday procedure we end up with complications.

My Mom and I ended up taking Kaydee into the ER on Saturday...she wasn't putting anything in her mouth not even a drop of water..so she wasn't taking pain meds..and then add vomitting on top of all that..well you guessed it she was dehydrated. The labs we had done in the ER showed that we did the right thing by coming in.
We went from ER to Short stay to 6th floor so now it is Sunday evening and here we are Childrens Hospital "The Big house".
They have really put Kaydee through the ringer..you just can't force a four year old to do anything and believe me they have tried.
The bad thing is while they are pinning her down to the bed and trying to force feed her codine and she is crying and fighting with the little ounce of fuel she has left her eyes go directly to me as if to say WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING ME !!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to yell STOP!! It's not easy to watch that.
They also have her on steroids and that does wonders for your go gett'em team spirit.

Where we are now is 3 sips of juice..that's all she has taken so far....my goal is going home tomorrow...I figure we have a 50/50 chance..Tomorrows a new day!!

Tomorrow is Matti's field trip and I really wanted to be there to send her off I know she is very excited and nervous.
My Mom has stepped in and will be playing the role of "Mommy" until my return.

Please sign my guest book so I have something to do!!

LY
Tracie

MY 5
1.IV's
2.Hospital coffee
3.Abi being able to go on a playdate today
4.Private room (for now)
5.Knowing my house will run just fine without me

Friday, October 12, 2007 10:35 AM CDT

Now I see why they used to keep us in the hospital after this because it's a nightmare !! Maybe not for everyone but for us it is.
Kaydee is not taking her pain meds. without me sitting there for three hours trying and We can hardly get her to drink anything..I keep hearing the Doctor say "Whatever you do don't let her get dehydrated". Easier said then done I think...Then on top of all that they need her to take an antibiotic.
Answer me this ..you go in take a childs throat apart and then send her home with oral medicines???Does this make sense to anyone??? I got an idea, send me home with an IV and a home nurse that would be Priceless...

I think everyone in the house was pretty much up all night with her screaming and crying...I know I slept from 4:15 to 5:45am so not a bunch of sleep in the picture right now.

Well just wanted to let you know how well things are going......I know we'll get through this...Love ya

Thursday, October 11, 2007 7:33 PM CDT

Kaydee is finished and is at home sleeping...she was pretty sick when we got home and did give the nurses a little bit of a struggle with taking meds at the hospital. ..but overall she is doing okay....

Thank you for your prayers..

The doctor said it will get worse before it gets better so i guess we will be busy for the weekend..

LY Tracie

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 9:41 PM CDT

If I have to hear one more time that Kaydee having this surgery is "No Big Deal" I'm going to eat a bag of candy corn!

Okay I know Tonsil and Adenoid removal isn't "Brain surgery" I get that But if we had never had any of that in our life this would be considered a Big deal!!

The hard part I think of any surgery is the fact that your child is scared, Taken from you, and then they work on them and you can't be there to protect them.
When you do get to see them again they are hurting...I know surgery is a very useful tool and I'm thankful for it because in the long run she will be so much happier.
For tonight I'm sad and I'm not looking at this as a "No Big Deal".....
Because on her scale of things to her this is Huge!

I feel better now that I got that out!!

So tomorrow we move ahead her surgery is scheduled for 1:30.
Today our visit with Dr. B went the way I thought it would giggles and laughing so to him she didn't look to have serious stomach trouble.
She did lose weight since our last visit because of her eating..but like we've always said if it's something it will get worse..so we will wait on that.

He wanted her to leave a sample in a cup...sounds simple enough right?? Well after a juice box and 30 minutes of screaming at the top of her lungs in the clinic bathroom I threw the cup away and decided I was so done with that.

Once again God likes to remind me that life isn't easy!! I know He does stunts like that so when I die and go to Heaven I will really really appreciate it!!

Please say a little prayer for Kaydee tomorrow ..We would really appreciate it (all your prayers seem to work).
Prayers also going out to Ben ,Mark,Cristina,Kira,Allison,
Anna,Braydon,Gavin,and all of you in my heart...

LY Tracie

Tuesday, October 9, 2007 10:02 PM CDT

What is the world coming to when you can't trust a "Pot Pie".
I don't know about you but tomorrow I'm going to start building a chicken coop and then a barn and I'm going to start making my own food.

I'm going to be busy ..making toys ....taking care of cows and chickens...I'm tired just thinking about it.

I guess Fall is here and It can be looked at in two different ways..you can embrace it and enjoy the change of seasons or you can be depressed by the gloom of it...I'm a little of both I guess.
I never really understood the driving around to look at leaves thing...they are pretty but then we rake them up and set them out in the garbage...confusing??

Abi hasn't been going to bed that well she is back to the crying can't get comfortable phase.
It's funny how you never know how things will go from one day to the next. But she keeps a smile on her face.

Tomorrow Kaydee and i go to see Dr.B still unsure if he will make us reschedule the Thursday surgery or not...My thought is as long as he doesn't find anything wrong I'm okay to go ahead with it.
I don't want to because I know she will take it really hard..it will be equally hard for me too...that's my little baby.

Well life goes on you have to highlight the good and deal with the bad..but you just keep going.....and pray alot!

MY 5
1.My new farm!!!
2.Taking care of myself
3.Matti loving spelling (who would of thought??)
4.All the Christmas Tv comercials and how Kaydee yells "I want that" after each one.
5.Talking with friends and catching up.

LY have a good one !!

Leave me a note if you have time.........

Prayers going out

Monday, October 8, 2007 9:47 PM CDT

I think I've turned into a surgery scaredy cat!!!

I cancel one surgery and now I want to cancel all of them..
Kaydee's is coming up on Thursday and I'm just very uneasy..
I called Dr. B today to kind of fill him in on what's going on with her....He said we will check her out on Wed at the pre-op and if we have to re-schedule the surgery we will.

I've been feeling like I'm just all over the place ..scattered
I guess.
So little by little I'm going to try and pull one thing in the right direction at a time..I'm going to review my Full plate and start emptying it a little.
Easier said then done I know......I have to get the Kaydee situation under control and start taking better care of me....When things go crazy in my life I seem to always take it out on myself (eating poorly...etc).

Well ..That's all I have.

Tired Tonight......LY all have a good day!!

FC

Sunday, October 7, 2007 10:08 PM CDT

Well the weekend had some challenges as sometimes they do......

Kaydee is still really not feeling well.
She pretty much cried the whole weekend , I just don't get what is going on with her????
I hate to say it folks but it has to be something and I'm not thinking her throat is the biggest player.
Whenever she goes for a walk with me her left side hurts and her stomach hurting is mentioned probably 100 times a day.

I get the stress our family has and I get that maybe she is trying to have something..BUT you take a happy go lucky kid and turn her into a kid that cries and hardly wants to eat or do anything but lay around....I don't know...I think I will call Dr. B again tomorrow.

Abi is doing pretty well..I have noticed an increase in her headaches ..Just going with the flow and praying hard that things don't progress in the wrong direction.

Matti has decided that she is going to draw pictures for kids who are sick and in the hospital..she started tonight and already has four pictures completed.
I must say it made me feel good to hear her say she was doing that.

Since Kaydee has been such an effort I cried several times myself this weekend...I asked Paul what I'm doing wrong ?? The battle sometimes seems more then I can fight.
I sat on my bed Saturday with tears in my eyes and looked at my mustard seed that I keep in a tiny glass bottle.
As I looked at it I reminded myself that just that tiny bit of faith is all I need to get through.
I also have a rock that has STRENGTH written on it so I held that too and asked God if He could spare me some.

It is true what they say about God...He does lift us up when we are down, I am living proof of that.
I guess we just have to be willing to ask and then receive.

Sorry about the sermon but I just like to share where I'm at
GOOD, BAD , SAD OR HAPPY.

Have a good Monday (Because no one I've ever heard of has a GREAT one)......Get a mustard seed of your own it is such a great visual life aide....LY

My 5
1.Rejoicing in the fact that I don't run marathons...My hats off to those who do.
2.Eating ice cream at dairy queen on this warm summer day.
3.Working in the garden this weekend.
4.Family
5.Seed

Prayers going out

Gavin,Braydon,Mark,Dick,Anna,Allison,Cristina,Kira,Deb,all of you in my heart........

Leave a note

Friday, October 5, 2007 7:06 PM CDT

HAVE A NICE WEEKEND.......Talk to you on Sunday...LY

Thursday, October 4, 2007 9:59 PM CDT

Today is bring your Teacher an Apple Day....Let your Teachers know what a great job their doing!!

I can't fool myself with this feeling of "No surgery" because I have to remember we haven't fixed anything we've just put things on hold.
Today we celebrated Abi going on a field trip..sounds dumb but it's new to us !!
I can't tell you how it feels not to be going into surgery tomorrow..... I can breathe.

I was reading over Kaydee's surgery information and I wish i could cancel that too!!
Even though I've been through so many surgical procedures with Abi it's going to be hard to see Kaydee go through this.

I'm wondering if I should try and get her in the clinic before her pre-op just to see if there is more going on...chances are I couldn't get in anyway.
Probably will turn out to be LEAD from toys!! Don't even get me started on that.

My 5
1.Fridays here
2.Good week of school
3.Paul and my mom feeling better
4.Gods signs
5.Trusting

Well we've gone through another week together....Have a nice weekend and be good to yourself!!

LY Tracie

P.S. Some of you are curious about what "FC" means it's a signal to my brother to let him know I love him and I'm thinking about him..(He's a Fire Chief )

Wednesday, October 3, 2007 10:17 PM CDT

FRIDAY IS BRING YOUR TEACHER AN APPLE DAY !!! LET THEM KNOW THEY ARE APPRECIATED...........They work hard.

I kind of think some of you are on our side for holding off and some are wondering if we are nuts!!

If you think about it we live our life on guard anyway so why is this any different???

I think Abi took the news well but she probably is a little confused!
She heard Dr. P say this is serious and we need to take care of it...But now we aren't??? I wonder why she has anxiety issues.

Matti was a little scared to go to bed tonight because they had a lock down drill at school today...

How sad our world has gotten that our children in elementary have to practice saving themselves in case someone gets into their school and tries to hurt them....how would you make that okay in your head as a little kid?? I can't even make it okay and I'm an adult.

Don't get me wrong I'm all for being ready "just in case"..but it just is so heartbreaking to even think that it could happen.

How did killing children in schools become important enough of an issue that we have to give it it's own official drill?
Fire, it's been around forever happens alot...Tornado, yes very possible...But lock down, pull the shades lock the door everyone in the corner because someone might shoot us!!Yikes

More and more Home school makes sense (Not that I could ever do that my kids would be adults and still waiting on me to teach them 2nd grade math).

Well today I tried to BEG Kaydee to let me take her to the zoo!!
It was such a pretty day and I wanted some air..she said No she didn't feel good..
Talked with Dr. B today he seems to think once these tonsils are out she will come back to life...Right now she acts like a 95 year old woman with a heart condition.

Believe it or not one of my children will be going on a field trip tomorrow..No I will not follow the bus or even think twice about it...I guess the bus falling off the bridge and no one getting hurt has restored my faith in public transportation.....I am going to be a real grown up one of these days I'm making great progress!! excuse me while I pat myself on the back.....................

My 5
1.Me being a big girl..
2.The newspaper article coming out on the 21st (Oct).
3. Paul getting medication for his cough and believing it will help.
4.Tomorrow being Thursday and not having to leave my home and family to stay at Gillette (No offense) on friday.
5.Listening to abi complain about homework !! sweet music to my ears...she's acting like a kid.

Prayers going out.......LY

Don't blink!!!

FC

Tuesday, October 2, 2007 10:13 PM CDT

Just like everything in this journey we have taken an unexpected turn......I prayed so hard last night asking God to let me know if for some reason I should not go ahead with this surgery...Because I mentioned to Him that time was running out and pretty soon it would be a done deal.

This afternoon I received a call from Dr. Partington..He was returning my call from two weeks ago.
We talked about the what If's and how I was having fears about this so we decided that I would talk to Paul and discuss what we wanted to do..move forward?? Or put it on hold???

Dr. P did mention if we were to wait I needed to be alert to changes in Abi because once the horse leaves the barn it is a done deal (actual words)..meaning if she were to lose functions there is a Big chance we could not get those back even if we rushed to do the surgery because the damage would be done.

We decided to wait......

You would think a huge relief would come from putting something like this on hold but not exactly.
Sure I'm glad we won't be there on Friday but there are no easy choices when your playing a game like this.

Seems to me we just decided to keep throwing buckets of water out of our sinking ship for a little while longer.
We have two months then another MRI..I guess I will feel better when he says "We need to do this surgery Now!"

Do I think it will correct itself?? No probably not really a chance of that but what I do know is her little body has had operation after operation and could use a little healing time.
Her stitches aren't even completely gone from her last trip to the Big house.

I'm not sure but I think putting off the surgery has Abi scared..maybe because she is unsure of what her body will do..and she probably wonders why were not fixing it...
I'm glad she isn't aware of the things that we are about this surgery....Dr. P even mentioned this surgery could end up not helping or this surgery could really end up causing damage to her........so we wait.

Kaydee's surgery has now been moved up to next week (Thursday) so we can get that taken care of..still not sure what is going on with her???

Matti seems like she is getting her cough back....Paul went to the doctor today and he was put on some medicine his cough is so bad!! So as for me trying to stay healthy..and trying not to pull all my hair out!!

So our journey continues.....Hang on it could get bumpy!!!

Thanks for all the support I received today from your E-mails it was really a much needed comfort.

Good night.....LY

P.S. Paul does make his own sandwiches..

Monday, October 1, 2007 9:47 PM CDT

Abi will be getting out of school early wednesday for her pre-op with Dr. B, we decided she would not go on Thursday so we can take care of some pre-hospital stuff.
We for sure have to find PJ"s that are not pull overs because they will be opening up the back of her neck so button up is far better.

I just still can't believe we have to go through this... almost like it's not real.
Come Friday Morning at 6:30 it will seem very real.

I spent some time tonight looking at photos we have taken over the years and it's sad to notice how many are hospital shots or Abi on steroids or abi with her head shaved....This has really been her whole life.
On the bright side though she has a genuine smile in almost every photo!!

The girls had a good day at school Abi has once again started to visit the nurse on a regular daily basis...seems to go in waves.
Kaydee has been out of pre-school for weeks all I hear is how she doesn't feel good!! I called Dr. B to talk to him because I'm feeling a little frustrated with the whole situation...He never called maybe he will tomorrow.
I do know some of it is stress but there is something else going on with her.

I just have to except the fact that things aren't going to all fall into place before I have to go to the hospital.
The harder I try the more there seems that goes wrong.
I just pray Paul and my Mom get over whatever they have so I won't be up at the hospital alone during Abi's recovery.
Paul would wear a blue mask before He'd let that happen.

I just keep thinking that I'm repeating myself every night..saying the same stuff over and over.
No wonder I usually don't have E-mails everyone has stopped reading...,(except for PJ and Jodes Thank you).

I'm getting where I hate bedtime it's so quiet and still. It does help when I talk with God a little before I lay down seems to center me a little so my thoughts aren't all over the place.
I"m just so ready to get this over with I'm tired of having it haunt me in everything I do....when I sleep,eat,breathe,everything!!

When I'm finished with this I'm going to get on my knees and let God know how scared I am ..I will also tell Him how I really want Abi to be okay through all this even though that may sound selfish and controlling.
I know you are suppose to say "Let your will be done" but that isn't always what I want..so for the record I like to make my request clear.

MY 5
1.Carole coming back from Disney I missed her..Abi felt the same about Elizabeth too..
2.Abi's smile
3.School pictures and how they have those lovely backgrounds
and then they will air brush your childs flaws...for extra of course..then there's the "Name" if I send my childs picture to someone and they need their name stamped on there to know who they are ..why should they be getting a picture anyway???
4.I really love being home...I don't take one minute of it for granted....I miss it so much when I'm at the hospital.
5.My family..as crazy and mixed up as we are we still have a foundation that's strong..shakes at times but stays strong.

Prayers are going out to the people I always think about so much......Love you guys......Tracie

FC

Sunday, September 30, 2007 10:05 PM CDT

I really can't believe how fast the weekend went ...It's funny when you want time to go slow it seems like it does the opposite.
Why would I want time to slow down ?? On one hand I have to get this surgery over because it is eating me up inside/Then again I don't want it to get here because once it's done its done.
I feel little by little we are all falling apart once again....Paul is getting sick, Kaydee cries all the time,Matti just really doesn't talk about it...As for me I run around trying to prepare for the whole event but I end up just making this crazier.
Abi is the calm one she says it doesn'r scare her she's used to it!!!

kaydee has been complaining about headaches and her eyes and her throat,Pretty much she never feels good?? she is not the fun happy go crazy Kaydee we all know.
Could her throat stuff be making her feel that bad?? I know a huge part of it is stress too...after all she's a Christopherson.
I have never seen any child cry so much and it doesn't have to be caused she will just be walking and all of a sudden start crying. I was going to go on my walk tonight and she cried and begged me not to..She's too young to understand that I don't want to go to the hospital and leave her..breaks my heart.

Today we did notice a huge lump above her right eye and she says it's been there a while ?? It is in the same spot that her cyst was before it was removed (age 1).
So we are not sure if we should be concerned or just think it's a bug bite....It better be a bug bite!!

Abi's last day of school will be Wed. That way we can get everything done that we need to.
My head is just pounding right now I can hardly type this....OUCH!!

Good news of the day is that Heather (from Bee's) told us to come by with Abi's candy and we sold all of them so that stress is over.. Paul still has a box he will take to work then we will be done with "World Famous chocolates" they are yummy though!!

I will be going to bed now..Thanks for coming by please leave a note if you have time......

My 5
1.Fire pit
2.People who eat chocolate.
3.Abi who has enough strength for all of us.
4.Hearing that one alcoholic drink a day can increase your chances of breast cancer ..I guess I'm safe I drink two!
5.Prayers.

LY Have a good one.......Tracie

Saturday, September 29, 2007 11:48 AM CDT

CANDY BAR SALE TIME !!!!!

TO HELP RAISE $$$ FOR WILSHIRE PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.....

ALMOND
CRISP
CARMEL
MILK CHOC.

1.00 EACH

THE GIRLS WILL DELIVER TO YOUR HOME

P.S. WE BOUGHT TOO MANY FORGETTING ABI WOULD BE AT THE HOSPITAL.....(never claimed to be brilliant)

Thursday, September 27, 2007 9:41 PM CDT

Had one of those days when you feel like you were on the show survivor..except I had food clothes and drinking water......

Started out sleeping through the alarm and then Matti was crying because she didn't feel like going to school and then I topped that off with dropping a whole ziploc container of spaghetti and meatballs all over the floor and kitchen cupboards.
The funny thing about it all was I started the day singing zippidy doo da zippidy day...I don't know why I thought by singing that somehow my day would be better.

I didn't care about the start I figured I still could turn it around...matti did end up being strong and heading into school
and Kaydee and i went to take Lola to the vet for grooming.

we spent some time with my Mom, Who by the will get her staples out tomorrow.....Finally lola was finished (Takes her longer because they have to give her timeouts) anyway it ended up she has a bad ear infection and needed an exam and then medicine....Well of course why would I expect anything different!!
The rest is blah blah blah...

I'm really trying to breathe ..I can't tell you how I'm feeling knowing the surgery is only a week away.
I don't know why I get e-mails saying how strong I am because I sure don't feel that way right now..It is so unfair that I have to fall asleep every night crying my eyes out..why is that the way it has to be?? I'm so not okay with that...

I remember when we were facing this surgery last time ..I woke up on the "Day" and cried and I didn't stop until it was over.
How can you hide it when your heart is hurting that bad.
I just can't believe my little girl has to go through this again....Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm so sick of this...can I just say that..I'M SICK OF THIS!

MY 5
1.New TV shows
2.Spending time with my Mom.
3.Paul still not admitting the fact that he never asked for different meat!! ha ha
4. Lola's tail..It had so many tangles they had to shave it and so now it looks a little funny.
5.Seeing the girls run to the car after school..I miss them.

LY ..Have a weekend

Tracie

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 9:28 PM CDT

Usually when I do this page It flows so easy but now i find myself sitting here staring at the words "Add New Journal".

I wonder if people ever graduate from the caringbridge page?
I have to believe in my heart that there will come a day when I've got nothing to talk about...Oh who am I kidding I will always have something to talk about and even if I don't have anything i will still talk.

I guess the News story will not be this Sunday ..maybe something else happened in a public bathroom and they need room..ha ha
It's just in a state of wait...when it is all done I will kind of miss Jackie and Dave they are so great!
I'm also looking forward to reading our story and finding out what the heck happened to us......

Matti is feeling better I think and will be able to go to school tomorrow ...Hopefully going won't be hard for her.

I've seen such a change in her she is really growing up..If anyone has heard that country song "Just Blink" it is so true.

Kaydee keeps talking about getting her tonsils out I think she is happy about making the "surgery list" mainly because she has no idea what will happen......................... She just thinks it's cool.

So for today I'm going to pretend I'm the little engine, you know the one who had a bunch of Large animals that were way bigger then the little train cars (Anyway) and He(or she) went up the hill.... where He was going I have no idea maybe the circus obviously it was very important because he really had to do alot to get up there.....I guess the key is to pretend you CAN even though you think you CAN"T...Act as if...I guess that's faith.

Have a good day and go out and do great things......

MY 5
1.Matti crying because she couldn't wear Kaydee's candy corn PJs (If you haven't guessed we have a lot of Drama at our house.
2.Diet coke and bendy straws.
3.My Mom doing good.
4.Finding out that Paul has been eating ham and cheese sandwiches at work for 5 years now and tonight he let me know he'd rather have a different meat and had forgotten to tell me (For 5 years???) Boy brains might as well scoop them out and put nuts in there!!(Hanna Montanna).
5.Being able to change the channel when the Victoria secret add comes on ...Nice zebra bra.

LY Tracie

By the way, the sandwich meat thing has been mentioned before. I guess I just wasn't heard. Maybe because it was always said during a "drama" scene at our house. But, I'm not going to argue about it because "There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works." (Will Rogers)
Thanks again for all the prayers and support.
Paul

FC

Tuesday, September 25, 2007 10:02 PM CDT

It seems when things get rough for me or my life is all over the place I tend to want to close the doors and windows and
not let the world in....

The closer Oct. 5th gets the more overwhelmed I seem to feel.
I can tell abi is starting to feel it too..she was so excited about a school project and then I had to step in and burst her balloon and remind her of her surgery. That is really the first time I could see how worried she is.

All I keep thinking is we just have to get through this...But to be honest i don't feel as strong as I usually do I feel worn.

Kaydee's appointment went well..I guess..she will be getting her tonsils out on Nov. 8th. They wanted to do it this next week but I told him I already had surgery plans for that week.They also checked her hearing and it was very normal.

So let me get this straight:::::::

Abi has surgery on Oct. 5th and will be in the hospital at least 10 days then my Mom will go in for her foot surgery on the 25th and will be in the hospital 1 to 2 days then come recover at our house for 4-6 weeks then Kaydee will go in for her surgery on Nov.8th and will be recovering about 2 weeks...Now this doesn't mention the fact that matti may get ill during this period and need to be hospitalized.
Did anyone stop breathing like I did while reading this??

Just another day in Paradise !!

Matti is still sick I'm trying to get her well enough to go back to school but she doesn't seem to be there yet...I hate to send her back too soon because then she will be right back where we started.
She has such a bad cough tonight I keep going in there making sure she's okay.

So we are all starting to feel the before surgery crunch and it's not one of those feelings you ever get used to.
For now I will cry when I can and smile when I can't and keep moving forward doing the best I can with the situation I've got..... and Don't feel bad for us just pray for us !!

Thanks so much for coming by and letting us know your there.

My 5 things I'm Thankful for today
1.The way Abi is so happy right now.
2.Getting to spend time with Matti (even though she's sick).
3.Kaydee's hearing test turning out to be normal.
4.Friends who never give up on you.
5.Beer can chicken.

LY and prayers are going out........

FC

Monday, September 24, 2007 9:16 PM CDT

Sorry about the short message last night , I did write a long one but then deleted it.
I don't like myself too much when I feel so negative about everything..It's not comfortable to be there.

Is it bad to wish for one good week?? That's really all I want.
No bad colds bleeding heads or Neurosurgery junk!! Just a week.

Tomorrow I take Kaydee for her Ear Nose and throat Dr. appointment I can honestly say I've never been there ..I like going to specialty Docs that I've never been to.
I really wonder what will come out of that ..we will see.

Matti is really sick ..she can hardly talk and is pale as a ghost I'm praying it is just a really really bad cold.
(We are already working on Most missed days in the first month of school award).

Abi is doing good (Besides the large soccer ball in her spinal cord) she is loving school..has a little problem with headaches in the morning but she shakes it off and gets there.

I do believe in all that "Let go and Let God" stuff I think there is hardly anything that we have control of....But even when you give up control and know it's in Gods hands you still must go through the pain of the situation.

I just really feel numb right now I think it's my bodies way of protecting itself from a Nervous breakdown!

FUN FACT: Our story will be in the paper this Sunday we have had Jackie and Dave following us for a while so the article should be an interesting one..I'll probably cry when I read it!(Star Tribune)

Prayers of healing going out.............Tom,Cristina, MY Mom,Allison,Anna,Mark,Braydon,Kira,Kara

MY 5
1.Strength
2.Knowing my DUCKS will never be in a row so it takes the pressure off.
3.Knowing we have another weekend before the surgery.
4.Being able to have my hanging basket live through fall because it's 80 and sunny.
5.Knowing that I have a fear of field trips but I love myself anyway..ha ha

LY Tracie

FC

Sunday, September 23, 2007 9:18 PM CDT

I feel like my Puzzle is scattered all over the floor and the harder I try to somehow connect two pieces together it never works out!

Love Ya

Friday, September 21, 2007 11:07 PM CDT

Sitting here on the girl's bedroom floor typing this trying to get some feelings out so maybe I can get some sleep tonight.

The day went well, spent time with my Mom and talked a lot.
Picked up the girls from school and everyone was talking about the great day they had!!

After a great dinner somehow my Mom was walking by the chair in our living room and just went to lean on it when it went back and the next thing we knew she was laying on the floor holding her head and screaming.

Blood was all over her hair and I knew that this was not going to be good.
She was able to get up but hurt her bad foot more and her hip was causing her a bunch of pain too.

I rushed her to the Doctor and ended up having 14 staples put in her head!!
She is here with us now but I'm worried about her she is in alot of pain.

It is so hard when you see your Mom hurting she is such a rock for me she's the GLUE that holds us all together....It is a scary feeling...I just want her to be okay..I must of prayed 10 times for God to please help her to be okay.

I really think i have left my body!! Seriously I think there has been so much stress in my life I have left and all that is there is a shell with a smile painted on it.

I know your up there God I could really use a little help with all that is going on in my life right now.
Please!!! I wouldn't ask if It wasn't so important.

Send some prayers my Moms way I would really appreciate it.

Stay safe..LY Tracie

Thursday, September 20, 2007 9:34 PM CDT

Seems like the signs I was looking for to make all this okay are here!
Abi has been having foot and leg pain again and she said her leg now seems to just give out on her (thats new).
I've heard of people with a syrinx just falling to the floor because their legs give out...Now I'm sure of it we have to move ahead.
She also has the rash back on both her hands that has to be related somehow.

I still wish Dr. P would call me ..I would really just like to talk to him.

In the morning rush of it all I stay so busy I hardly have time to drink coffee...but then the times that the girls are at school and things are quiet I am just so sad...I don't even have to think about the surgery the tears just roll down my face.

Sometimes I can talk myself out of it and other times it's not so easy.
I just don't want anything to happen to her..I laid in bed last night thinking about what it would be like not to have her here...I know that is a place I shouldn't even go..but you have your little girl go into a surgery like this and tell me if you think about it.

Some good news is the little girl that Abi had her first surgery with is doing fine no problems and is getting her check-up MRI soon ..get this she hasn't had one in 2 years!!
That's like a dream.

I Know your suppose to "enjoy the NOW" and all that but it sounds fine and dandy unless your the one with the gray cloud over your head!
One day at a time ...nice idea but it's not really working for me...

MY 5
1. Abi crying because she was scared of the storm and Kaydee our 4 yr old was telling her to breathe and was just coaching her through.
2.Sitting on the couch with KK today watching the new Barbie Movie.
3.Knowing my Moms coming over tomorrow and we are going to have coffee.
4.Friday is here!! Now that school has started you sure appreciate the weekend (I miss everyone).
5.Those tiny little snicker bars..yum

Have a good Friday

Prayers going out to...Tom,Cristina,Allison,Anna,Mark,Braydon,Gavin,so many more....LY

Wednesday, September 19, 2007 9:17 PM CDT

I'm sitting here watching Primetime Medical Mysteries, I can't seem to figure out our situation so I like to guess whats wrong with other people. Shows like this have really helped my Doctor career...ha ha

There comes a time when the mind clears and you feel like a complete idiot!
I really was thinking that I was going to put off the surgery..why ??Mostly because of fear..so Abi's little body would suffer because I feel like I can't handle this!!!NICE

I have seen the films I know the situation..Time to step up to the plate.
What if Dr. P called and said okay we'll wait...then my life would be wondering if she is okay and wondering if the syrinx is going to make her unable to walk one morning and then throw in the monthly MRI's just knowing it will be bigger!!!

When your a parent there is always a time when you are faced with something that makes you want to say "No way" and then run to your room and slam the door and cry holding your teddy bear just like when you were a kid.

There is just so much to celebrate going on in our life right now but there's that thing that we have to take care of.....My thinking tonight is that of courage..stepping up to give Abi the best life possible ...If something goes wrong we will take it in, pray about it and then move forward just like we always do.

Walking into that dark room not being able to see what's in front of me I just have to rely on my faith and the knowledge I hold in my heart that God will take my hand and lead me somehow the right way.

Now tomorrow I could be freaking out again but for today I am going to stand strong....

Funny fact: Paul couldn't sleep last night because he kept thinking a bug was crawling on him..Of course me being the loving wife that I am I didn't believe him and told him to go to sleep!!
Sure enough this morning making the bed a big black cricket jumps out of Paul's side of the bed!!!Yikes (It wasn't the cute kind of cricket like the one in the wooden boys story).

MY 5
1.Matti going to school with a smile.
2.Picking up Abi at school and having her be sweaty from playing !!!!
3. Australia
4.Watching Kaydee coloring
5.Wondering about all those times when I was in a public restroom and asked for toilet paper because my roll was out !!! What message was I sending to the person in the next stall?????

Love ya... leave a note let me know you stopped by! Thanks

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 9:49 PM CDT

Playing Zoo keeper these last couple days hasn't been to bad.

Abi was pretty rough today It almost made Paul and I think that something more is going on (probably a shunt failure). I hope for now it is just a bad cold running its course.

After hearing poor Kaydee cry about her throat hurting several times day after day I finally decided waiting until we see the ENT doctor was not possible.
I called the Dr. on call and she was great enough to call in a antibiotic for her to at least get her a little relief until the 25th.

Matti is misleading seems okay during the day and does terrible at night, her cough is getting a little worse..I was really wanting to get them back into school tomorrow..they all don't have the best immune system built up.

Can't say I'm feeling too great either..my throat is pretty darn sore. I'm hoping it is just a weather allergy thing.

Here I am writing that long boring Christmas letter again!

I still haven't heard from Dr. Partington yet I did get a call from his scheduler yesterday and she said she gave him my message, his comment was that he would talk it over with his coleges and get back to me.

My question was : Do the risks of not doing the surgery balance out with the risks of doing it??

The more I think about it though the more I know it really has to be done. I just don't want to!!! I feel like a little kid throwing myself on the floor and kicking and screaming.

I know this has been so old for you guys reading this over and over ..but I just have to talk it over to make it okay.
Sorry to say I'm not there yet and I'm running out of time.

I'm waiting for the heavens to part and the bright light with the angels singing and then a voice (probably a Womens ha ha) to say "Tracie you are doing the right thing move forward and don't be afraid". That is what I'm waiting for I guess.
Will That happen? probably not..I think i need to pull that from inside, I just can't remember where I put my strength and will when I was done with it after this last surgery.

Fun Fact: We are in the middle of a WAR where people are being killed and all you hear about is Senator craig in a bathroom doing something with his dumb foot...Who cares!! Why do we care about this??Time to move on.

Have a nice day and please if you are in a public bathroom keep your feet to yourself!!

My 5
1.Rain
2.Kaydee getting medicine
3.Simon delivers
4.Spending the day with the girls
5.The "I love Lucy show" and how it is very similar to Paul and I. (If your wondering what role I would play probably Lucy... ha ha).

LY

Sunday, September 16, 2007 9:24 PM CDT

Today Kaydee once again has managed to wiggle another tooth loose so now she has lost her second tooth.
Okay she is four!!! I'm pretty sure when you really don't even know your ABC's it is too early to have teeth coming out.

I guess each of us in this house manage our stress in different ways..Paul plays video games, Abi bites her nails and paces, Matti tends to throw barbies or scream really loud, As for me I organize things cabinets,closets, whatever.., kaydee wiggles teeth out......That's why the sign in our kitchen says "WELCOME TO THE ZOO".
Feel free to shake your head and say "Wow they are really messed up!!" I can't see or hear you so go ahead.

Looks like the school year has begun Abi and kaydee have a really bad cold and will be staying home tomorrow (There goes our perfect attendance..darn).Ha Ha
Okay now get this Matti is starting to get sick too so I told her if she is worse tomorrow she will stay home too!!
She begged me to let her go (I almost fainted) she said there is no way I can miss!! I couldn't believe it... it's a dream come true..THANK YOU GOD.................

I will still be calling Dr.partington to ask him if the risks are so high with this surgery should we be going ahead with it...i'm just scared that she won't be the same after ..I know she could be better, but I think it's normal to be scared especially when the risks are there in front of you in black and white.
I want to know ..What if??? What if we don't do it what happens then???

Prayers going out to Tom(who was seriously injured in the bridge collapse),Cristina (still having so many issues after her surgery..she's a fighter),Mark (who demonstrates everyday what it means to have faith in yourself),Braydon (continues his fight but isn't going to give up),Gavin (Prayers for him to stay well this cold and flu season),Allison (Prayers for Peace instead of pain),Anna (Prayers for her to feel comfort from her pain).

I know so many people need our prayers I wish I could put all of them on here.

Have a "Monday" I keep messing up my mondays but God always gives me another shot at it!!

My 5
1.Having a pretty mellow weekend.
2.Lots of tissue available.
3.Peeps dipped in melted chocolate.
4.Fall and how all the colors match my living room.
5.The start of football season and Paul yelling at the TV.

LY

Friday, September 14, 2007 10:30 PM CDT

I keep thinking to myself..should we be going through with this operation?? Why do I keep questioning myself??
Not to help matters any I received my "Famous" letter from Dr. Partington, the one that says "Mother agrees".
The bad news is this time the risks have increased after the word Comma and breathing problems he threw in "To say the least". What the heck does that mean??

So my plan is to call on Monday and ask to speak with him personally because if I'm putting a girl who right now is able to go to school and do normal kid things in harms way I need to know everything!!
Even if I've heard it before I want to hear it again...What if we don't?? It sounds like it is one of those situations where If we don't do anything there are high risks and if we do go ahead with the surgery there are high risks......

All I know is I have to make this okay somehow.

A surgery like this can be a huge life changing moment..that's what is so terrible.

Matti's Doctor Appt. went okay, we really have to start watching her fat intake she can have 50 grams a day.
With her metabolic disorder her body can't break down fat so what happens over time is it collects on her organs.(That's not a pretty picture I know).
The Doc even mentioned to make sure she is not eating Birthday snacks being brought in to school Those famous Birthday cupcakes are loaded with fat.
Didn't get a blood result because she almost kicked the clinic wall down so I will take her to childrens they have good pokers out there.

Have a good weekend....stay tuned for more fun to come I'm sure...LY Tracie

MY 5
1. The girls getting A's on their first spelling tests.
2. Matti saying she loves school now!!!! Yea Team
3.Kaydee being my little angel when the girls are gone...I love spending time with her.
4. Talking to a Mom at the store who reads the CB page and hearing about her sons illness..It makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone but then it makes me sad to know others go through this too.
5.Halloween Peeps!!!!!! I knew God was a woman..ha ha

Prayers going out..Be safe out there

Tuesday, September 11, 2007 9:55 PM CDT

Let the countdown begin....The surgery is scheduled for
Oct. 5th at 8:00 that puts us with an arrival time of 6:30.

I did ask today if she seemed to think this surgery couldn't wait ( I knew the answer) her comment back was that Dr. P was happy to hear that my Mom had put off her surgery because he knew this needed to be done.
It's almost like I ask all these questions but know the answers.
If I didn't go ahead with this because of the fear I feel and then something happened to Abi and it couldn't be fixed..How could I live with that.
But then again if something goes seriously wrong with the surgery how do I live with that?? Guess I don't have to figure that all out tonight.

The girls are doing well with school, I see a passion in Abi's eyes she just loves being there with kids her age.
Matti seems to be adjusting too I Think mornings aren't her favorite time so it will take her a while to get used to it.

Tomorrow its off to The U of M (good thing I'll have 4 or 5 hours) I really enjoy Matti's doctor but seeing everyone we have to see it takes a while.
Plus the blood tests are never ever fun with her and to make it worse they usually try to fancy talk her and that just makes it so much worse.
Hopefully things will check out good with all that.

Paul,Me and my Mom are pretty convinced Kaydee is having some hearing issues..Not in the "she just won't listen way"
but we really think there might be more going on.
I guess when we go to the ENT Doctor we can check it out then.

I'm just going to try and take things a day at a time..Not look ahead anymore then I have to ...just enjoy our family and take in all the daily blessings that we are so grateful to have.
Are we thrilled about having to go through with this surgery? Heck No
Will we make it through? Yes we will.

NEVER GIVE UP !!!!

MY 5
1.Food from AMY
2.1st grade (Yea I can still figure out the homework)!!!
3.Normal activities
4.Candy corn
5.Kaydee being so excited about pumpkins and spiders and ghosts...

Special Note ......If anyone feels they would like to donate to help a family that was affected by the bridge collapse (The Husband was seriously injured) please let me know and I will get you the address..they could use your help!!

LY lots..prayers of healing going out to lots of people..

Monday, September 10, 2007 9:48 PM CDT

Today went better then expected..Matti went to school without a tear and Kaydee had a great first day of pre-school.(Thanks for those of you who sent prayers ..they worked!!)

I must say I had some tears dropping Matti and Abi off..they walked into school together and looked the way it's suppose to be. They skipped, giggled with each other said Hi to friends..It was great to watch Sounds dumb I know.

I'm so not used to the quiet , everyone is telling me to enjoy it but it's hard to ...It's almost like going from one extreme to the other....

When I see Abi at school and acting like a normal kid...I question myself and this surgery?? What if we didn't have it??
I know the answer to that question but I just want to hear it again.
I don't want us going into this surgery with any doubts.

I'm off my crutches and can almost walk like a real person again..Yea Me!!

Made Kaydee's Appointment with the Ear Nose and throat doctor.
Matti has her U of M MCAD specialist on Wed. that is always pretty bad since they usually take a lot of blood.

Take care everybody..Thanks for checking in.

LY and prayers going out.

Sunday, September 9, 2007 9:28 PM CDT

I put in my entry on Friday how I felt like God wasn't around.....I guess I was feeling angry and disappointed and I knew I could take it out on God because He is bigger then that.
I know in my heart God will never leave me and only when I pull away It seems He's left.
I just can't seem to begin to understand all this...It just seems too much.
I know God keeps us strong and Abi is a true test to that, but why should a little girl 9 years old have to be that strong??

When God closes a door He opens a window...What if that window is stuck and no matter how hard you try you just can't get it open??? What then??Do you miss out?

We might be looking at a date of Oct 1st or 5th, she will call on Tuesday with the official date.
My Mom is going to put her surgery on hold just because we have to get this done and we know we can't do it without her.
She's our Glue!!

Tomorrow is Kaydee's first day of school,didn't think I would cry but now tonight thinking about it I just might.

Matti is already worried about school tomorrow..I really want her to be okay with all this.
I can't blame her seems like every time the band-aids are about to come off we end up having to open another box.
Even though she doesn't know about the surgery yet she probably can tell.
If you could send a little prayer of comfort for her and Kaydee I would sure appreciate it.

Well just like every time Carole is over (The broken chair,The cut finger) I once again got hurt, but this time I really had little to do with it.
I was having fun goofing off in the basement and all of a sudden my RT calf muscle exploded and it hasn't been the same since.
I ended up going to urgent care and getting a shiny pair of crutches. I either pulled or tore a muscle.
Kind of off the sticks now but I'm walking like someone who's stepping on hot coals.

Prayers going out tonight for Cristina recovering from surgery,Heather,Kira,Anna,Mark,Braydon,Allison,Gavin,and all of you in my heart......

No matter how many windows are suppose to open but don't,we have to keep having faith that one day one will....

LY...Thanks for being here......"Tracie The Tenacious" that's my new super hero name!!!ha ha

Friday, September 7, 2007 10:32 PM CDT

Today started out not the way I would want it to.......matti screamed all the way to the door of her first grade class, the funny thing is her teacher is Mrs. peach she is the greatest!!
I can't believe kids aren't crying because they aren't in there.

I was feeling pretty emotional after that because if there was anything I needed to top off my week it wasn't that.

I went to my Mommies house and sat with her for a while until i could pull myself together enough to face the world once again.

I just keep thinking Where is God?? I feel like He isn't here..I guess with all the flooding He's keeping pretty busy.

Don't really even know what to pray for right now???????

Thanks for all the kind thoughts and prayers..LY

Thursday, September 6, 2007 10:06 PM CDT

I kept putting this off and I'm not sure if it was because I didn't know what to say or if I just didn't want it to be true.

I can't tell you the pain I feel right now , once again my heart has been crushed.
That "Miracle" that we thought had arrived left before I could even enjoy it.
Kind of just feeling dumb that I let myself believe that things could get better.
I really had hope this time.
I was just starting to feel normal..taking the girls to school and really feeling like we fit in there.
I even signed up to volunteer! What a joke that is....

Her syrinx is longer and wider and surgery has to be done (The high risk one that we were doing last time but stopped).
I just sat there almost like someone was telling me I had three weeks to live.
I can't believe I was so shocked.

The MRI went really rough today,Abi wasn't feeling good at all on the way there and then the sedation thing was pretty emotional for some reason.

Abi asked me on the way home if she has to have surgery??
I told her Yes and all she could do was look out the window and sigh.
Sometimes I wish she would kick or scream or do something.
All she could say was I can't wait to get back to school tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007 9:50 PM CDT

Tomorrow is our Big day......Funny how one MRI can make such a difference.
Not sure if I'm not that scared because I believe it will be better or maybe I'm more calm because we have traveled this road so many times my shoes are worn.

It is really out of my hands now.....I guess it always has been.
All i know is we've had some great family times together this summer,Abi's had corn dogs at the fair ,rode a roller coaster,been on the Log ride at MOA,and lots more..

We've always been so careful with her and lately we've let her be a kid!!
Seems like when we follow the rules it never makes a difference so maybe letting her live has made her heal..Who knows???????????????????????????????????

Today going to see Dr. B was a nightmare!! to say the least.
I went on map quest (Or as I like to call it "Map make a guess") and was driving around for an hour.
I ended up almost running over a postal carrier to get directions.

We did get there thank goodness because I knew if we didn't there would be no MRI tomorrow.
Dr. B gave us the go ahead and then he checked Kaydee out and we ended up doing blood work on her.
He really thinks she has Mono ..I'm not so sure?? i know something is going on but not sure what.
He will call tomorrow with results.

Kaydee was able to go to her school meet and greet today,she loved it and so did I.
School for her will start on Monday.

Thanks for checking in....LY Tracie

Prayers going out for Cristina who just had surgery, Abi and getting through her MRI prayers also for,Mark,Braydon,Allison,Kira,Anna,Gavin, Those of you in my heart....

Tuesday, September 4, 2007 10:07 PM CDT

We did it!!!
The first day of school has come and gone...
The girls did great and I didn't do too bad either.

Abi had one trip to the nurse for pain medicine but she made it through the day.
Matti actually loved her class and teacher the only problem was the heat..It was so hot in there.

It felt so good to walk down those halls and know that we are part of all this...It felt normal.

Abi was pretty tired and felt a little stiff and sore, we loaded her in heat packs and medicine..she actually fell asleep easier tonight.

Tomorrow it is off to Childrens hospital for Abi's pre-op..I will pick her up early from school.

Kaydee is going to her Meet and greet at pre-school tomorrow, that will be so cute and hopefully she won't be bossing everyone around.

Well I see there has been more toys recalled....It makes me want to take all our toys from China and get rid of them...I'm afraid that would be almost everything we have.

Have a good day ...

The MRI day is almost here!!! Still staying with the It has to be good news side.

LY Tracie

Monday, September 3, 2007 9:43 PM CDT

Can all your Ducks really ever be in a row?? I've sure been trying these last couple days..school starts tomorrow and this is BIG Abi will be going and Matti is going full day.
Kaydee starts Preschool but not until next week I hope to have her well by then or at least a plan of what to do with her.

I want to get all into The "school thing" but as I've learned the way things start out aren't always the way they turn out.

Believe me I'm happy abi gets to act like her friends and go to school the first day with all the excitement ..but the fact is Abi isn't like her friends and I'm nervous for her.

I can't tell you how different it will be here at home without
her..I've been here taking care of her for 3 years almost straight and now I have to send her off and trust it will be okay.

I think Paul feels it will be harder for me then for her..He is probably right.

I went to bed last night in tears and I couldn't really explain why
?? Taking care of them is such a big part of who I am...It's not that I won't have plenty to do because that is never an issue , I'm just going to miss them.

I just think If I get through this week (One day at a time)
I will be okay.
Just have to get this MRI over with and then I can know what the next step is.
That will be done on Thursday then it is off to Dr. P to find out what that syrinx is doing.

It just has to be good news ...It just has to be!!!!It will be hard for me to accept the fact that Abi has to go back into surgery after she was given a free pass.

I guess Abi is now finally asleep 10:30 it took her 2 hours still having trouble with that night thing.

Send prayers today for those little kids going off to school and the crazy parents that are left..also pray for those kids who are unable to go to school (Many of us know too well what that is like).

Hope to give you a thumbs up report about the 1st day!!

LY .....Thank you for stopping in...If any of you have a little parent/child separation problem feel free to share.

Checkout pictures of Abi's Make a wish room...on the photo page.

Sunday, September 2, 2007 8:13 PM CDT

We have had a good weekend.....Picture is from Underwater world (Thanks Jessica)..we had a blast!!!

Abi's " Make a wish "room pictures (as many as we could put) are on the other photo page..

Have a nice Labor day and hats go off to all those Moms who brought those little babies into the world through "Labor".
Ha Ha..At least I think that is what the holiday should be for.

Gods blessings talk to you on Monday night...LY Tracie

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 10:27 PM CDT

Well the desks are full and we met the teachers (they seem really great!)
I think meet and greet is so overwhelming mainly because you run around with your hands full of school supplies trying to find out where your kids classroom is and then you bring in the stuff find out where it goes fill the desk meet the teacher and you're off to the next kids class.
I really wanted to try and tell them both everything but it's not like I can't ever talk with them again....

School called today to ask if I was planning to send Abi all day??Because they would be happy with half-days if that's what we wanted....After thinking about it and how excited she is to go..I decided why tell her she can't before she tries,let her go and see if she can do it then we will take it from there.

Went to the dentist today and passed with flying colors!!
Funny when your a kid you don't want cavities because your scared to get them filled as an adult it's more cost and time it will take to fix them....

Paul is off the next couple of days ..He wanted to spend some time with the girls before school starts...I think he surprised me with it because I would have a "To Do" list waiting for him.

We went to applebees after leaving school and had a good time..those people are so great It is always fun to go there.

Sad to say but Matti is now grounded for the rest of her little life.....Today i noticed some green straps on the floor looked like they were cut off something because a scissor was right beside them...After some detective work I found out Matti had cut the straps off Kaydees new backpack!

I was so mad I had to leave the room to even think of how to punish for that type of crime..I ended up taking away all her tooth fairy money and telling her there would be NO computer anytime in her near future and she is not allowed to even look at a scissor until further notice...
Come to find out it was all about her being upset about the start of school why Kaydee had to suffer for that fear I'm unsure..

Have a swell day!!!

MY 5
1.Wondering where I went wrong with my parent skills but then knowing I was never given a direction booklet (Not that I would of read it anyway).
2.No dental work needed !!!YEA
3.Meeting and really feeling comfortable with Ms. Brown and Mrs. Peach.
4.Abi being so excited and being able to go to school.
5. Paul having a couple days off to spend with us.

LY Tracie

Tuesday, August 28, 2007 10:04 PM CDT

Funny how when something "Life Altering" is on hold I always take it out on myself by eating badly or not sleeping .......I'm really trying to get out of that cycle because we do seem to be in a state of "Wait" alot.

today was a pull my hair out kind of day ..The storms have not been very kind to us Mothers lately coming in the middle of the night and scaring the kids.
Makes for a long day with very little sleep.
Matti even mentioned to me that I seemed a little on the crabby side.

I pray God gives me another day tomorrow so I can make up for it or I may just ruin that one too...ha ha

Tomorrow is meet and greet at school so we will go and bring all the school stuff and meet the teachers.
I remember last year Matti and I filled Abi's desk for her because she was in the hospital I think...I remember trying so hard not to cry but I was so sad.

So looking on the good side of things Abi will be there to bring in her stuff and meet her new teacher.
It will be weird not having Mrs. Cartwright since she has been around two years (If you get her feel blessed)..But I've heard great things about Ms. Brown and Mrs. Peach.
I'm really going to try not to be the crazy Mom this year, just going to blend in volunteer and just do all that "Normal stuff".
We will see how that turns out!!

Hope to see some of you at school tomorrow...

MY 5
1.No storms coming tonight (So they say).
2.Thinking that even when I'm a crab my kids still know their loved..(yeah whatever Mom get me some juice).
3.The joy of knowing that I'm an unpaid slave.
4.Friends in low places.
5.People who get where I'm coming from..and are crazy just like me.

Fun Fact: Did you know people that had cars on the bridge had to pay 75 dollars to get them removed..somehow that just seems so wrong!!

Have a good day tomorrow or at least pretend to be Happy!!

LY lots

Prayers going out

Monday, August 27, 2007 9:52 PM CDT

The appointment today went as well as I thought..He decided against the shunt tap because she has several shunts and one tap wouldn't mean that the others are working properly.

We are waiting for the 6th to find out what our next step will be...He mentioned today that if the syrinx is the same or larger He will have no choice but to operate..so now we wait.

My feeling is that I don't believe this has made a difference
even though I want to believe it has so badly.
The thought of even going into that room and hearing the words surgery is so hard for me to even think about.

When will be the day that this isn't hanging over our heads...For me it is such a constant "Negative"..I hate it.
I pray for the day when surgery isn't such a big part of our life.

I'm already sounding like I know what the scan will show..I will try to keep hope and keep praying for understanding of all this.

With school coming up so fast I am feeling a little sick to my stomach about it all..Some days I feel like I want to send them NOW but then I realize that I'm going to miss their little faces.
Abi has really been with me the last three years It will be difficult to trust that she will be okay Matti too.

Not sure why I re-arranged the living room and then ate a big bucket of Strawberry ice cream because I really don't feel any better about things..... I really thought the ice cream would of done the trick (maybe I should of added Chocolate syrup).

Prayers going out to ..Cristina,Kira,Allison,Anna,Gavin,Joanne D.
Braydon,Mark,Grandma R,Lots more that I hold close to my heart

MY 5
1.Cards
2.Candles that light up the darkness
3.water
4.Ice cream
5.No shunt tap today

Have a nice day and don't ever lose hope no matter how bad things can get...Gods There and he is not going anywhere!!!

LY TRACIE

Sunday, August 26, 2007 9:09 PM CDT

Every time I bring Abi in for an Appointment that is a last minute add on I always feel like we will go in and that will be that...It will fall under the category of "Child seems to be in no acute distress".
I guess I have to believe that better safe then sorry...I just want to have them check her out then I can feel a little better about trusting that shunt.

I will be bringing the girls with me tomorrow to Gillette and then Paul will pick them up on the way home, just for the fact that if they will be doing a shunt tap I don't want the girls to have to watch that....I don't even like to watch.

My allergies have really kicked in these last couple days I am just miserable....I'm sure many of you are suffering too.

Had a good weekend Paul and I actually got to have a date night on Sat. we haven't done that in such a long time we had a blast....

Send Us a little prayer today that things go well for Abi...Thanks

Have a Nice day...LY Tracie

Thursday, August 23, 2007 9:48 PM CDT

It's funny when you live your life for 41 years then all of a sudden you realize something new about yourself.
I don't like cheese curds!! I don't know why I continue to eat them every year I guess because I feel like I should....Almost like when you get your MN drivers license you sign something that says you will eat them...From now on I just say "NO".

So as you can guess I took the girls and went to the fair today.
We had a good day of course it had some ups and downs..the rain playing a big part of the downs...Abi had a good time I think she did pretty well, a couple headaches and some dizziness but nothing we had to go home for.
Of course we spent most of the time in "Kiddy land of the rides that go around in circles".
It was obvious that Matti wants to step it up a notch she is getting bored with the little kid rides she wants adventure (Just like her Father).
Abi and Kaydee were happy with the simple non-head jerking ones.

I'm glad we got to go, wasn't the same without Paul..I never had a hand free to eat a lot..and I never found the taffy booth.

Feeling a little blue tonight not exactly sure why..just think it's the Big picture of school and a pending MRI that could be once again "Life changing". I'm just tired of the race , wish someone else could peddle for a while.

Then you throw in a little Mother guilt in the pot and there you have it "BLUE".

I think I've been snapping at Abi a little too much it's almost like I'm blaming her for not getting better...how sad is that!
I ended up writing her a card to let her know how wonderful I think she is.

It's easy I think in todays world of craziness to forget how precious and tender their little spirits are..I pray God reminds me of that more.

Well Have a good weekend and enjoy the fair for those of you doing the MN. get together....LY Tracie

MY 5
1.being soaking wet but not caring because the girls were having fun.
2.Kiddy wampus
3.Mail from new friends
4.Knowing I'm not the only one who suffers from "Mother guilt".
5. Finding a pretty good parking spot and how cool the girls thought it was to drive on someones yard and park the car there!!

Prayers going out......................

Wednesday, August 22, 2007 10:12 PM CDT

Today I took care of the medication issue they decided to switch abi to a different pain medicine at night I pray it makes a difference.
They also want to see her at N-surg on monday, they want to do a shunt tap to see if the shunt is even working....I wouldn't be surprised if It wasn't we will get to see Dr. Partington so that will be good.

Not sure why but every time the state fair starts I feel if I don't go I'm missing something..what I'm not sure? Maybe sore feet and screaming kids and lots of calories...I must say the thought of going is always exciting!
I think my favorite thing is the taffy I just can't get enough of that stuff and for some reason any time I buy taffy in a store it never taste the same.
I'm sure at one point we will go.......After all I have to do my duty as a MN resident right??

Well keeping it short tonight because I'm in desperate need of sleep......Please keep Kira,Cristina,Mark,Allison,Braydon,Gavin,and so many others in your prayers

Thanks for checking on us....Maybe we all enjoy the fair because it makes us feel like a kid again..or we could just like food on a stick???

Have a Nice day!!! LY Tracie

Wednesday, August 22, 2007 10:12 PM CDT

Tuesday, August 21, 2007 9:51 PM CDT

For most of today I felt like I was wearing a pair of uncomfortable shoes.
Just really same stuff different day...
Abi is once again having a terrible time getting to sleep ..she cries and just can't seem to get comfortable..there has to be something I can do I really have to push for it tomorrow. I hate to put her on more medications but I'm out of answers.
Sometimes I think if I just let it be then somehow it will go away on its own...don't think this is the case.
Here's the deal who to call ????As I go through my mental list of Doctors I think I will start with N-surg since Dr. Wical never returned my call last week.
Sometimes I don't think doctors realize how much we depend on them we are in this 24/7 and sometimes we need some help.

I somehow feel like I have to get so many situations together before school starts Abi being the big one..I just don't think she will be good to go but I will send her and see how it goes...I'll probably cry the whole day but We'll get through it.

I've been praying a lot but as we all probably go through lately I haven't really been connecting with God...It's not
that i feel let down by Him I guess sometimes I get to a certain point when I don't know what to pray for or talk about.
I just want to know I guess why Abi couldn't of gotten this break..where is her miracle??

I wish I had sunshine to share I wish I could focus on the good..but for now I'm consumed in the daily battle of it all...Could be worse could be better..Just another day in paradise.

I always pray for God to show me what I need to know but I guess He forgets to send me the information sheet with it...because sometimes I just don't understand what He's trying to tell me.

Knowing it is really all we have, don't you wish we didn't have to take life "One day at a time"????
Do you think people that drew the long straw and get the easier life go about it one day at a time..or can they take it all in??

Well for me tonight I will stick to the short straw plan and take it a tiny bit at a time.

Have a long straw kind of day.....Thanks for coming by..leave me a note if you can.

My 5
1. My Cosco buddy
2.Knowing that if God seems far from my reach it is never Him that moves...
3.Knowing Paul's in this with me
4.Listening to Louis Armstrongs song "What a wondeful world"
5. All of you checking in on us everyday..Thank you

Prayers going out to those in my heart...LY

Monday, August 20, 2007 9:42 PM CDT

Here we go with another week.....
Fridays appt. with N-surg went as well as it could, do you want to guess what they did???
Well of course it had to do with that dumb shunt!! ..so now they turned it down , boy that always makes me feel so much better(NOT).
It never does anything maybe for some kids but not this one.

She is doing pretty okay BUT nights are so awful she has trouble getting comfortable enough to fall asleep and then when she does she cries all night in her sleep(we are going on day 5 of that).
To say the least I am not sleeping because her crying is so loud it wakes me up and her sisters.
I've called to get something to give her but haven't gotten a call back.
It doesn't help that she is getting a bad cold....

Kaydee ended up getting an "A" on her strep test so now Dr. B is thinking maybe she has Mono???? Are you sure that would be too simple for us,It must be something that there is a 1 in a million chance of getting. Ha Ha

Today Matti and her pals met up at chuckie's place to celebrate her birthday.
This is the first time she has ever had a "Girlfriend party" and I must say the smile she had on her face was priceless.
It was a really good time.
Chuckie is also a pretty handsome mouse I think Minty Bubba would really like him...Mrs. Minty Bubba Cheese.....

My prayers tonight go out to all the flood victims..It is just heartbreaking.
I know there is so much good in this world but it seems lately there is so much sadness.

My 5
1.Matti's smile
2.Abi spending time with her friend Elizabeth
3.Diet Coke (all you can drink)
4.My Mom staying home with Kaydee today and taking good care of her.
5.Carole and her skee ball skills

LY..have a nice day

Sunday, August 19, 2007 9:22 AM CDT

Happy birthday Matti !!!!!! We love you with all our hearts...

Mom,Dad,Abi,Kaydee,Lola,Minty Bubba,The Birds

Happy 12 years together Paul...Love you

Thursday, August 16, 2007 10:01 PM CDT

Things Pending:

1. Kaydee's test results for strep then what to do after that if it's positive.

2.Matti..Is she getting a bad cold or is it just allergies

3.Wondering if I will pull my hair out tomorrow during our N-surg appointment when they check Abi and say how great she looks when I think she doesn't.

4.Trying like crazy to let God run the show.

Have a nice weekend.....hopefully next week I will be in a better place.

Thanks for hanging in there!!
Love ya

Wednesday, August 15, 2007 10:01 PM CDT

Well we are back into the sleep issues with Abi..Hate that!
Up alot last night and now bedtime is once again a struggle.

Not too sure what is going on with her feet?? lots of pain and they crack whenever she moves them it's pretty loud too.
Does anyone in the Chiari/SM world know anything about this??

Today was a hard day for Kaydee..she couldn't understand why we had to send her Dora toys away..After explaining it the best way I could I think she felt a little better.(We had a big bag of recalled toys how sad is that).
I think her not feeling too great is playing a big part in her crying so much...We go in tomorrow.

Just kind of in the mood tonight to throw my hands up and say
"Hello God summer vacation over..I could use a little help down here".
Same issues just a different year.
That's the thing we keep doing all this but seriously do we ever get anywhere???

Friday we go for Abi's wound check appointment and I have to say I'm not feeling to cheerful..Her wound looks good though.
Take the blessings where you can get them.

The good news I heard today was that people who don't sleep have a higher risk of being fat!! Great now I have that going for me too.

Well now that I've cheered everyone up I guess I will call it a day......Have a good Thursday!

Prayers going out

MY 5 things I'm thankful for
1.She got rid of the wig!!!
2.Evening walk
3.The fact that even when I'm not feeling Thankful ..I still have so much to be Thankful for.
4.That we have an MRI scheduled for the 6th.
5.The way Kaydee draws..she just amazes me.

LY ..Please leave me a note so I know you were here...Thanks

P.S. We will put pictures of our Make-A-Wish as soon as the stand comes ...Then it will be done.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007 10:35 PM CDT

I'm sitting here looking at all the toys
the girls have that are loaded with lead...Nice recall Mattel!!
So your telling me we now can't even trust Dora Explorer..Nice!
So let me get this straight we not only are suppose to make our own Dog food but now we have to make our kids toys???
Here's an idea STOP GETTING THINGS FROM CHINA!! Am I the only one who's thought of this?

I hate to say it but Abi is back at square one..she feels pretty much the same as before the surgery.
We had a great several days and then the last couple have been the same old stuff.
Don't know why I'm surprised really I guess I was praying for that free pass..not sure if that's what we got.
The funny part would be if we went through all that emotional trauma and then found out we didn't have to but then we end up going through it again...That would be enough to send me right into a straight jacket eating jello singing show tunes.

Kaydee will be going in on Thursday to get a throat culture..If it is positive we will be getting her into surgery probably sooner then later.

Speaking of surgery (When are we not) My Mom found out she will be having her ankle fixed (she hurt it pretty bad two years ago and never fixed it) on the 20th of Sept. looks like she will be staying at the "Christopherson House of Healing" for about 6 weeks. She will be in good hands because I am a Doctor and I really know how to give pain meds.

I'm sure this is like reading one of those Christmas letters ..it just goes on and on...My thoughts on those are ..I want to hear something bad that's going on in your life ..If life is just roses and your not suffering like the rest of us I think you should keep it to yourself!! Ha Ha I'm so kidding.

I know i'm a little sassy tonight ..sorry

Have a nice day may the sun shine on your face and your toys be lead free....LY Tracie

My 5 Things that bug me tonight!!

1.On young and the restless Nick's wife not only is running off to hide and stealing his baby daughter but she has on a really bad wig.Yikes! If I ever run from the law I'm at least going to buy a wig I look good in.
2.How loud storms always happen at night.
3.How you always grab a handful of grapes and you always get one bad one.
4.The word "SURGERY"
5. Toy recalls

Monday, August 13, 2007 10:09 PM CDT

Funny I'm sitting here and since I'm the only one up I feel it's my duty to be the weather patrol person.
You never know how serious to take the storm situation because the news always makes it so dramatic...

Before I wake up three girls a tired husband and a sleeping dog I want to make sure it's a 911 situation.

But I don't want to be one of those people on the news standing there with just the shirt on their back saying "It happened when we were all asleep"!!!

Abi had a rough day today woke up with a very stiff neck and did cry during the night because of a bad headache.
Found out today that her MRI is scheduled for the 6th of Sept. I guess this will determine if the shunt made the differance or if it was just a bonus....I hope and pray it worked.

I just go to bed at night and say the same thing "God let me know what I need to know to help Abi,other then that I'm leaving it in your hands".
So basically it helps me not to sit and constanly watch her and wonder if I should do something or if that is a new symptom..it's just alot to deal with and I've done it for many years but now I try and trust that God will lead me in the right direction.

Kaydee is going down hill fast her throat is becoming worse..tonight she cried herself to sleep.
My plan is to call Dr.B tomorrow and see what he wants to do about it.
I know we have to do something she can't keep having strep.

Matti is doing pretty well getting ready to celebrate her 7th birthday on the 19th..Paul and I will also be celebrating our 11 years together on the same day...I always say Matti was the best aniversary present I ever got!

Well here comes the second round of storms I hope they aren't too loud ..Thunder can really shake up sleeping kids fast.

Hope your day is full of blessings ....Thanks as always for stopping in. LY Tracie

My 5
1.E-mails
2.Having Matti sleeping on the couch so I can look at her pretty face.
3.Rain for the grass and flowers,
4.Spending the day with my Mom...we giggled alot.
5.So many wonderful people we are blessed to know.

Sunday, August 12, 2007 8:55 PM CDT

This weekend was one of saying goodbye to some things that we should of taken care of a while ago.
It is so hard to watch your children grow up and know they will continue to do so.
Really nothing you do can prevent that process but I guess sometimes we tend to let them stay little even when we should be helping them to move on.

We recieved the school list for both kids and I'm happy with the outcome...Abi is in with her friends and I think the support will be important to her.
Matti is in with a couple people she knows but I think for her making new friends would be good practice.

It is kind of funny I'm actually thinking that Abi will be going to school this year ....It might just happen?? She is doing pretty well,she has alot of pain in her feet and still some shoulder and neck pain...Headaches have improved ..she still gets them (Part of the Chiari package)Can't believe she was even walking around as bad as her shunt was.
The Dr. said to snap a shunt in half like that you'd pretty much have to go through a winshield with your head...I'm pretty sure that didn't happen.

I have to figure out a plan for Matti at school this year since she will be there all day ..she has to eat something every two hours in order to keep her blood levels what they need to be...plus she will be taking one dose of her medication at lunch.
This should be a challenge two kids in one school full-time with medical issues..very differant situations but both difficult.
I guess I better get my "Wonder Mom " Cape out of the closet and get it ready.

As far as Kaydee goes I'm thinking her strep throat is kicking in again she isn't eating that great and she has that "strep throat" look in her eyes. I should just keep a set of throat swabs here and just do it myself.

Spent some funny moments singing on our stage this weekend I really think we should all practice before we have people over..I found out the hard way that I can't sing like a Popstar,country singer or REO speedwagon...I guess God decided my voice was used enough for talking.

Time and time again I can't believe the kindness of strangers we have been so blessed by the people God continues to put in our life..Thank you!

"See if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you an overflowing blessing"-Malachi 3:10

MY 5
1. Surprises left at the door.
2.The Viagra commercial where the men are hanging around singing and playing musical instruments (What is that about???).
3.The thought of Abi being well enough to actually go to the first day of school.
4.Our new room downstairs..I love it down there!!
5.Knowing that I have so many other gifts besides "singing".

LY lots
Prayers for Cristina,Mark,Adel,Braydon,Kira,Kara,Allison,Paul's Uncle Dick,Anna,So many more who are in my heart....

Wednesday, August 8, 2007 10:27 PM CDT

I do believe with each surgery It sets Abi back just a little.....Probably all of us for that matter.

Tonight she was in her bed just crying really hard not because of pain but because she felt sad......I tried to comfort her but then realized sometimes you just have to let it out..being as brave as she has been can only hold out so long.

Matti knew how sad Abi was so then she started to cry with her..Kaydee was already asleep Thank goodness or I know she would of joined in too.

I also think Abi saw alot of bad situations this hospital stay and I know It has bothered me.....so I'm sure it has her too.

I keep seeing the TV Ads for school this and that..I have to say I'm not ready for any of it..It is very overwhelming to me right now.
The thought of even trying to read the school supply list is enough to throw me over the edge.

The good news is we are hanging in there and praying a bunch.
I just keep saying "God I sure hope you know what your doing".

MY 5
1.A meal delivered from Applebees
2.Abi's head not leaking (so far)
3.Getting caught up on things at home
4.Sleeping in my bed and not a chair
5. Kaydee letting me know that she does not!! want me going to the hospital anymore!!!!

Take care ...prayers going out LY

Leave me a note

Tuesday, August 7, 2007 10:18 PM CDT

I feel like we are back to square one....building up to this surgery was so difficult for me I can't even explain how hard it was.
To hear that they are going to stop in the middle of surgery and maybe have to finish if this doesn't do the trick...Made me feel happy but yet I feel that the load has been put back on my shoulders.
The waiting the wondering is the syrinx gone is it bigger???
The monthly MRI's and then the trips to Gillette to hear our fate.
Not sure if I can take another time of "It didn't work".

Being at Gillette this time and spending so much time in the ICU really opened my eyes to really how many bridges collapse daily......Tragedy is real!! I remember sitting up there and watching 3 children come in at the same time all of which were on ventilators...then the look on the parents faces you could tell the ones that were used to it and the ones who were'nt.

There also was a little girl who was 3 years old and all she did was cry and believe me she could cry!! Never once was a parent there to hold her ..I began to realize they were the cause of this little girl being in so much pain.

It's funny walking around the hospital was like being in my own living room I have come to feel a certain familiar feeling almost numb to it all I guess.

Well Time to turn in and call it a day.....Abi continues to do okay not great but not too bad either. One Day At A Time.

Thanks again for staying with us and for opening up your heart. LY Tracie

I will continue my top 5 soon...for now I'm Thankful but at the same time blown away.

Prayers for Paul's Uncle Dick, Adel, My Mom,Cristina,Anna,Allison,Mark,Braydon,
So many more.......

Tuesday, August 7, 2007 6:17 PM CDT

Monday, August 6, 2007 6:13 PM CDT

We are Home!!!!!
Main concerns she might be leaking CFS..but I can watch for that here just as well as at the hospital.
I will be in touch just want to relax for a little while...

Love ya and Thanks

Monday, August 6, 2007 10:36 AM CDT

Well...This morning we went down for a CT scan and hopefully it will show nothing bad so we can leave.
Abi is running low on good spirits I think....4 days in the ICU can do that to a person.
Her headaches are still bad but I think if it has no known cause I can handle them at home.
If we do stay we will move to the floor so we can at least get a little sleep...everyone has been really nice but gosh I want to go home.
Thank you for checking...

Prayers going out

Sunday, August 5, 2007 8:26 AM CDT

Let's just say my night was as smooth as a ride over a rock garden in a car with bad tires.

Abi started really getting dizzy around 7:00, not our usual dizzy but a very intense dizzy.
Then the crying started and after some Meds and a call to the Doctor she fell asleep
Around 5am I guess she woke up screaming the famous scream from the headaches of the old days the one I haven't heard in a while...

Then followed by her one foot going numb and her mouth feeling funny and the nurse forgetting to plug back in her IV and the feeling that she was going to use the tiny pink throw up thing...But besides all that it looks like we are right on schedule.....YIKES!!!!

Hope things improve ..I really didn't expect to go backwards????????

LY all please leave a note

Saturday, August 4, 2007 9:57 AM CDT

had the usual ICU night lots of noise and little sleep...Abi is doing pretty well had a temp. last night but it seems to be gone this morning.
Our nurse was pretty much telling us we would be going home and for some reason I felt a little uncomfortable with that considering Abi still looks a little rough and has so many stiches she looks like a road map.

Then the Doctor came in and let us know we were not leaving?? and hopefully if there is room we will be moved to the floor.

Things get so confusing in the Big House....very little sleep and confused nurses not a good mix.

I better go the "Princess" gets angry if I'm away from the castle too long.(Hope to get a lap top soon).

Love you guys thanks for your notes I love reading them...

Tracie/Abi

Friday, August 3, 2007 7:30 PM CDT

Hi...wanted to let everyone know Abi is out of surgery and is doing pretty well.
They ended up stopping in the middle of it because they discovered that her shunt (Not the spinal cord one) had completely come apart and had a small tear. There was no fluid getting through at all. He replaced everything and best case this will take care of the syrinx.
Worst case it won't and we will have to do the surgery anyway.
I really believe this is my miracle!! We will see.
Thank you for your prayers they worked !!

LY I will journal as soon as I can.

Thursday, August 2, 2007 7:01 AM CDT

First I must say I still sit and can't believe that a bridge that so many people I love use daily..also "The Bridge" that we take every single time we have any kind of Appt. is now gone.
Abi and I used that bridge yesterday afternoon to go to Childrens and back..yikes !!
We are praying for all of those people and families.

Well the day before is here..times up!!
I must say I feel a little stronger about the situation but still I'm not sure how I will let it happen.
Abi is running around packing her stuff almost like we are going on a vacation..It's funny since we've been at this resort so many times you know exactly what to bring along.

Thank you to all of you who are sending prayers our way...I have to believe in my heart that prayers somehow make a differance.
Please pray for Dr. Partington and all the people who will be involved with this operation..and for Abi's little but strong Body to hold up....I just know God will be there with her.

I've spent alot of time with her lately going to appointments and so many times I would reach over and grab her hand and think to myself I don't want anything to change I love her so much..I want her to wake up and want "Jimmy Johns" (her favorite food and they deliver to Gillette).
I want to know we are out of the woods and I want to know everything is okay....To get to that point I'm afraid I have to go through alot of pain and then the outcome may not be the one I want...But I have to believe it will be..I'm counting on a MIRACLE.....

If you could leave me a note and let me know I can count on your prayer tomorrow.....Thank you

LY and will get back to you as soon as I can.......Tracie

Tuesday, July 31, 2007 10:27 PM CDT

" Let Them be Little" Billy Dean

I can remember when you fit in the palm of my hand.
You felt so good in it; no bigger than a minute.
How it amazes me you're changin' with every blink.
Faster than a flower blooms, they grow up all too soon.

I never felt so much in one little tender touch.
I live for those kisses, your prayers an' your
wishes.
An' now your teachin' me how only a child
can see.
Tonight, while we're on our knees, all I ask is:

Please, let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let'em cry, let'em giggle,
Let'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.

The so innocent, precious soul:
You turn around, an it's time to let them go.

Let Them be little...

Monday, July 30, 2007 11:23 PM CDT

I already posted a journal entry once tonight but as I was trying to go to sleep tears just kept flowing so really this is all I can think of to do.
I just keep seeing the surgery day over and over in my head..the way they shampoo her hair ..the way she is always so brave when they put in her IV...The way she gets so excited when a stuffed animal is waiting on her bed when she arrives in the surgery area..The feeling right before they take her away...I never want her to go because I'm afraid I won't see her like that again..That empty sick feeling I have when she is gone and I can't be there to hold her hand....
I just feel so much hurt right now the bad part is I know there is nothing I can do about it...I cry I pray but the pain in my heart is still there.
With each hour that goes by the more I feel like my oxygen is being cut off.

I sat tonight on the girls floor just to listen to them breathing.
I was talking to God and asking Him to watch over all of us when we are apart and to be with Abi and really hold her during her surgery because I'm counting on that.....I really was waiting for a promise or a hand shake something that would let me know we are on the same page.
I guess that's the Blind faith I'm always talking about.

It's sometimes hard to trust when you don't know what the outcome will be.....

Thanks for listening please read my other entry that I did before this it's not so emotional..

Monday, July 30, 2007 9:50 PM CDT

Today was just crazy....The early morning appointment went well with Dr. Wical. I did ask her if she thought we were doing the right thing ??? What choice is there the stage she is already at would continue to get worse. I knew that already..
Abi is now on some nerve pain meds. and I must say for the first time in a while she fell asleep without crying. Can't tell you how nice it was to not have to run back and forth and sit on the top bunk until she falls asleep (even though I kind of like it up there).

Kaydee went back to the Doctor today and we found out that because of all the strep she has had getting her tonsils out will probably be the next step for her...what's another surgery!

I've started to make lists for myself because I'm having trouble thinking....It doesn't help when the surgery nurse calls and wants to go over details my stomach just sank...It just makes it that much more real. I still can't believe it's Friday ( The surgery will begin at 1:00 for those of you lighting candles)...Thank you

I knew God worked in my life but today was another example....I decided with all the trips to the hospital coming up I would take the van in for a check-up...Got a call today and Roger told me my front tires were ready to blow they had huge bubbles on them!!! Yikes
Just goes to show you that the Big Guy is on our team...Thanks God.
We have the loaner car for today and tomorrow the girls love it because it's red and they think it looks so cool..Probably will have to drive around a little tomorrow so they can test it out.

Lola has this huge raw hide bone and it's almost as big as she is...But even though she can barely move it she lifts it up and takes it with her...sounds funny but it reminds me of the fact that I too can carry a much heavier load then what I think ..I would imagine we all have this strength inside us that unless we are called upon to use it we may never know it's there. Kind of like that can of peas in the pantry that you never eat unless your making tuna hotdish.......

Guess i'll go to bed or I'll start talking about boats..ha ha

Thank you for your prayers and your E-mails...they bring us comfort.

LY ..Tracie

Prayers going out to all the people in my heart..sending them your way.

Sunday, July 29, 2007 10:17 PM CDT

It makes me sad to think tomorrow is Monday and now the true countdown begins........
I do believe in my heart though that we have to do this and now is really the time before more damage occurs to her little body.
Arm and leg pain seem to be the big factor right now ..she has also developed bad rashes that are pretty painful on both wrists..Not sure what that is coming from but I'm sure it all goes together.
Kaydee once again has strep throat so we have been dealing with that and it seems to be a little more complicated this time...My question for Dr. B is going to be why does this child always have strep and how healthy can that be???
Kaydee has been crying alot because she is older this time and very scared that Abi is going to the hospital. I want to fix her fears but really I can't because we all feel that right now.
Matti isn't really saying much but I can tell she is worried and scared she tends to hold it in more...

I just really really wish we didn't have to go through this..I just don't want to feel all this again...I hate this feeling.

Tomorrow we are off to Abi's neurologist Dr. Wical..I'm going to ask her if there are any options besides surgery??
I know grasping at straws again...I know dr. P wouldn't be doing a surgery like this if he didn't have to.

We did have time to hang out a little in our new room this weekend...We love it and I look forward to more fun later...

The Van is at the "Spa" for the day getting a little oil and a tune-up because I'm sure it will be making alot of trips back and forth to St. Paul in the next couple of weeks.

I will be taking this week One day at a time......That is all I can handle.

Thank you once again for all the love,Prayers and support..This journey continues.

LY Tracie

My 5
1.Walks
2.Having fun at the dinner table
3.Taking it all in
4.Just being home
5.People around us

Thursday, July 26, 2007 10:51 PM CDT

Many nights now I find myself sitting on the top bunk waiting for Abi to feel comfortable enough to fall asleep....Usually it's just Minty Bubba (Our Rat) and I .
It is just so peaceful I can see why some animals come out only at night.
Once daylight seems to come my life feels like the doors opening at K-Mart and they are having a buy one get one free VCR sale.

Well tonight we bought our house again (refinanced)...It's funny how they keep selling it to us when they know we can't afford it. That's the game of life I guess.

Our personal newspaper reporter came over tonight but this time bringing her camera man...they are both so nice.
Looks like they will be covering the surgery from start to finish..I know some might think thats weird but if you think about it when doing a story about "The Christophersons" surgery plays a BIG part in our life.

Make A wish is finished now and how wonderful it looks !! The girls are so happy with it and Paul and I are too...what a wish!!! I would think little girls everywhere could only dream about a stage like the one we have...It's so FUN.

Can't wait to wake up tomorrow I bet that One big drop of rain we got really helped the grass and flowers....I'm getting used to brown anyway it kinda makes me feel like I'm living in the desert.ha ha

Matti was talking to Abi today and mentioned how she is worried about her having surgery...When I asked her why she said that she's afraid Abi will get hurt...Abi jumped in and said for her not to worry because she's done this lots of times and everything will be fine!!!
I thought to myself if she can have that much courage and faith when facing this knowing she's the one who suffers..then I can too!

MY 5
1.My little girls.
2.Our Home.
3.How the world just seems to stop at night.
4.People who time and time again are watching out for us.
5.Paul getting a couple extra days off to be with me at the hospital.

Prayers going out....Cristina just had an MRI send prayers that she gets the help she needs..LY all lots

Have a great weekend......Just another day in paradise.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 7:05 AM CDT

I did start the day yesterday with a new outlook and by about 9:00 am it wasn't looking too good.

Today I am up and will start over ..keeping in mind if this day doesn't work out hopefully God will bless me with another.

Abi has become more and more uncomfortable...not in pain really just can't seem to feel good in her own skin..nighttime of course being the worst!! Not sure what to do??? She lays there with two heat packs and a washcloth and pillows under her legs...nothing works right now.

I was telling Paul how to handle his stress last night because I just felt I guess he was doing it wrong!! HELLO earth to Tracie...You are doing just so well with yours ..so now I'm a stress management coach besides being a Doctor...ha ha

Well on to other news my Mom just found out she might have to have surgery on her foot (4 weeks recovery) she will have an MRI on it today..please send prayers her way. We figured out if she does I can take care of both of them I'll just give them both a bell they can ring when they need something.
I really got to start smoking!!! Just kidding

Well that's all I got ...I think make A wish will be
bringing the kareoke machine today.....That should be finished by friday I think...

MY 5
1.Just another day in paradise
2.3 days with No sweets!!
3.E-mails..Thanks
4.Friends who let me be me
5.The fact that I know everything...(Not even close)

Prayers being sent your way....Don't forget to support "Relay For Life"...........LY Lots

Tuesday, July 24, 2007 6:43 AM CDT

I'm really trying to have this new attitude..The attitude that says "Bring It On" I with God can handle anything.

I stood below the Cross that is on the front of ST. Charles last night when I was on my walk and I said "God please show me what I'm suppose to do and give me the strength to do it, I'm trying so hard to be strong but somehow feel like I'm failing".

It is my natural instinct to rise to a challange I'm not real comfortable being sad and hopeless.
With each day I see more and more reasons why Abi should have this surgery but in my heart I know lots more why she shouldn't.

The one thing though that helps so much is all the warm hugs that I recieved on Saturday and all the E-mails that let us know we are not the only prayers she is getting...Thank you!!

I do believe growing up my life was a little more difficult then most of my friends and now I believe it was a way to prepare me for the path that was ahead....I guess God does know what he is doing after all...

Everytime something comes into my head about the surgery that is really hard for me to deal with I replace it with "Gods will not mine"....somehow that seems to work.

I'm really trying....

Yesterday going to see Lynda because Abi is really starting to be overcome with anxiety was a pretty good idea..didn't help much last night though.
It seems she can fall asleep for a minute then something scares her and she wakes up several times during the night.
I can't even imagine what she is thinking.
We will be going back next week too.

I think I went on long enough so I will stop now.

Thanks for checking in on me and even though right now I'm just going on and on stick with me....Please leave me a note and let me know your praying and your there.

MY 5
1. Friends and family.
2. Knowing that when I really really think about the "Big Picture" we will be okay no matter what.
3.God's here and very active in our life.
4.That "BRING IT ON " Texas attitude.
5.Walks at night that give me time to focus.

Prayers going out to Mark,Anna,Cristina,Nichole,Allison,Kira,Kara,Gaby,Braydon(who I saw Sat. with his family YEA!!!),C,The Dols family,Heather,The Moms club(Keep the faith),MCAD kids,Muriel,and so many more in my heart.....

LY Tracie

Sunday, July 22, 2007 10:11 PM CDT

We would sure like to THANK everyone who came out to the pancake breakfast....We had so much love and support around us it was very overwhelming.
For all the people who helped make it the success it was Thank you so much...We just can't really tell you enough how much it meant to have you there. Thank you ..Thank you ..Thank you
A BIG Thank you also goes to the GREAT Applebees gang..what a great group of people they are...Thanks Heather!!!

I almost wasn't going to write anything else today because I have so many wonderful things going on around me yet I still find myself feeling pretty lost and sad.
I must say I'm having a really difficult time right now and the bad part is I don't know how to get out of it.
I cry when I brush my teeth, I cry when I'm out taking my walk, I cry when I get up....I'm just a mess !!

Not sure if anything can really fix it I just have to get through it I guess.
I know the surgery getting closer has alot to do with it probably about 90% of it.
It is really hard to explain how i'm feeling I really think it's grief.
From what I've learned about grief that is one emotional burden that is hard to go around you have to go right through it.

Please don't think for one minute that we don't appreciate all that is being done for us..It's just that one thing that can't be done is breaking our hearts right now.

Please pray for strength for our family right now because I feel like we are all falling apart little by little....

You being here means everything...Thanks

Thursday, July 19, 2007 10:20 PM CDT

It seems I am stuck in the "Difficult zone" you know it's the place where everything you try to do either asks for more then you expected or makes you bend over backwards.

I can't even go to McDonalds drive-thru without them saying "Could you please pull forward and park then we will bring the food out when it's ready".

I remember around my birthday last year ...we were in the same boat as we are now with Abi except we are all a little more worn.
Tonight was another night of fears and anxiety for her...It is so hard for me to calm her when I'm feeling the same way....with the surgery getting closer I find it harder and harder to focus on anything...all I want to do is run and run fast and pretend that this isn't the door that closed for us in hopes of God opening a window.
I don't want a window I want a garage door!!
Is that really too much to ask for???
Why is it okay when a door closes that we get stuck with a window??
Who writes this stuff??

I read today about another Chiari Mom today who is having such struggle not only can her son barely eat but she has no more medical coverage left and so her choices are limited.
Basically she said that she will stop and pick up every penny and she will beg until she can get enough money to get her son the help he needs.

It is such a humbling experience to be in a state of "Need"
and the sad part of it all is It can happen to any of us...We all start with the same path in mind but sometimes life hands us maps that lead us in a differant direction.
I know it does make you strong but sometimes you don't want to be......

I guess I'm looking for God to ride in on a Big white horse and save the day!!!! That would be the window I would want.

Please pray for Gaby and his Mom Beth...

Have a good day..Thank you for being here with me

LY

My 5
1.Make A wish furniture coming tomorrow!! Yea
2.A new day
3.Knowing in my heart that God will take care of Gaby and his Mom and all of us too.
4.watching a movie with the girls and hearing them giggle.
5.Never giving up !!!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007 10:13 PM CDT

Tomorrow I am taking the day off..this living the life of a "Super star's" Mom is wearing me down.

kiddyWampus was so much fun the girls were able to be artists and all of them were so creative....Abi has just been treated like a star these last couple of days.
It is so nice to see her with her friends doing kid stuff....It really helped me to see why we need to have this surgery we need to get her back to that !!!

If anyone is looking for a great party idea call kiddywampus ask for Amy or Jennifer ..it's in Edina and it was just a blast!!

Lots of talk about the applebees pancake breakfast I'm kind of nervous and excited....Paul and I will be there but we decided to keep Abi home...mornings are never the best for her and plus with the up-coming surgery date being around so many people isn't the best idea...trying to keep her as healthy as possible.

So tomorrow will be a much needed break and then friday it's back to business with lots of make A wish excitement....

Paul keeps asking me what I want to do on my birthday after the pancake feast and all I can think of that I really want to do is REST!!!!
I guess old age does that to you.

I do keep thinking about the surgery and I do wish there was another way..But for today there isn't.
I just still can't believe we have to go through this again......

I pray every night for God to keep lifting us up so we can be strong for Abi ....I have to believe in my heart that we will get through this but I'm just not there yet.

Thank you for being here...I hope to get some pictures on here soon...LY Tracie

MY 5
1.Kids with paint and smiles.
2.The gang at Kiddywampus and how they greeted us so cheerfully at the door.
3.Blessings
4.wishes
5.today we all had paint in our hair and faces and clothes...the best part was we didn't care!!!

Make a mess today it's fun....be a kid!!!Lifes to short not to.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007 10:25 PM CDT

Wow what a day!!! In a good way.

The party for abi at Olympic Steele was just a wonderful thing ..all the work and details...all of abi's favorite things all in one room.
Thanks to all the GREAT people at Olympic steele!!! What a great group of people. They made 7 wishes come true this year for Make A Wish kids.

Tomorrow it is off to "Kiddywampus" It is an art studio for kids.(Part of Abi's wish)
Abi and three of her BFF's will be going and also her sisters it should be a really fun day.

As you can tell this week is just crazy!! Lots to do.. I just hope Abi holds out and me too.............................

Thanks for being here and have a great day...LY

Tuesday, July 17, 2007 6:31 AM CDT

It is funny how the "prize" changes the more you play this game.....I remember sitting in our first N-surg and telling them that I just wanted Abi back like she was before the first surgery.
Now 10 surgeries later I sit in Dr. Partingtons office telling him that I want her to still walk and be able to go to school for 4th grade.

Today we have some fun things....Abi and I get to go to Olympic steele and they are going to present Abi with her wish....They adopted it from make A wish (something like that).
Abi is excited because she thinks maybe she can talk in a microphone ....she has to get used to that if she's going to be famous...ha ha

It has been nice having the designers around ..I'm getting free decorating tips and these two woman we have are very talented let me tell you..If you ever need one let me know I'm collecting business cards.
Friday pretty much everything will be done then I think we finish completely by the 28th.

Have a nice day ........

Prayers going out to Cristina who had to go to the ER yesterday because of head pain...
Also Mark,Heather,Braydon,Anna,Gaby,Allison,Moms club,Chiari kids,MCAD kids,Alex,Riley,Gavin...Those in my heart

Still time to donate for the Relay for life.."Bills Bunch"
look for them at all the St. Anthony village fest activities..help them fight against CANCER!!!

My 5
1.People in my life
2.Coffee
3.Hope
4.Knowing God won't leave my side
5."The young and restless" Nick finally is back with his wife and still has memory loss but is trying ...at the same time He is falling in love with the just so happens to be pretty Doctor that saved him from the plane crash that he should of died in...Wow now that I write that I can't believe I watch it..ha ha

LY lots

Sunday, July 15, 2007 10:23 PM CDT

I keep so busy during the day that I have little time to focus on the fact that we have to go through this awful surgery!

There are so many positive things going on right now with all the Make-A-wish magic coming together and also the Applebees breakfast...I wish it were enough to take away this pain I have in my heart.

Abi is so filled with Anxiety right now that when it comes to bedtime she cries and can't be alone in her room ..so I keep going in there every few minutes and try to talk her through it......
I sat in my chair tonight in between the times that I was in her room and I just couldn't keep the tears from falling.
I just want to say "Forget it" I don't want to go through with this..I just feel like I can't.
I know tomorrow it will seem a little better but for tonight I'm just scared.
I know God can see my fears and He knows I'm sitting here crying I just wish He could make this better......
Why does there have to be so much pain involved???? for all of us.
Yes I know the outcome may just be "The One" The golden ticket we have all been praying for..BUT what if it isn't??
How can a Mother or Father not think about that...

Well I guess it's probably Monday when your reading this and we all know Mondays aren't ever really great to begin with but I'm sorry to be such a downer....Just keeping it real.

Believe me I would love nothing more then to tell you how great we are all doing but that is not the case because we are in "Pre-surgery survival mode".

That's all for tonight (Thank goodness right)

We may have a hole in our Boat right now but don't think for one minute we are going to let it sink...we will keep throwing our buckets of water over the side and pray for a better day. LY lots Tracie

MY 5
1.The fact that tomorrow will seem better.
2.Make-A-wish magic
3.Abi's angels looking out for us.
4.Fun things to do this week and NO DOCTOR appts.
5.A survival mode...

Prayers going out....

Thursday, July 12, 2007 6:33 AM CDT

It is never easy when we are in Dr. Partingtons office and we hear that surgery is what we are going to have to do with really no options.
To receive the note from the visit is such a different story ....It really prints out what you talked about and how Abi looked and blah blah blah..I always check it over to make sure I didn't miss anything.

I thought I'd share the end of the letter with you because I know it made my heart stop..........................................................

The risks are primarily those of infection of the hardware,spinal fluid leak, small risk of neurologic worsening
coma,death,paralysis,quadriplegia or swallowing or breathing difficulty. (Here is the part that really gets me)
Mom understands and feels we should go ahead.

What am I an idiot??? those kind of risks and I understand and feel we should go ahead??? How did I get allowed that much power??? So I guess if anything goes wrong there it is in black and white....MOM.

I know breathe in and out.....Yikes..I guess I better go upstairs and light my candle.

Today we are off to the Neuropsychology dept at Gillette in burnsville to finish up Abi's testing ..we will probably be there until dinner time that would be my guess...I just get to sit there maybe I will get going on that book I'm suppose to write...
Good thing they are not testing me I'm afraid I'd be locked up somewhere.

Thanks to everyone helping out with the pancake breakfast at Applebees it is very sweet and I think it will be alot of fun to see everybody..(Thanks Heather)..I can't think of a better birthday present then to know your loved and cared about.

Well best be going ..hope your day is filled with Gods love and peace..not letters from Dr. P...

PLEASE everyone donate to the relay for life coming up
" Bills Bunch" cancer is one of those things you pray you never have to experience..but for many that's not the case.

If you need info on how to donate please E-mail me and I will help you...If you can't donate please pray for those people and their families who live with this.Thanks

My 5
1.Patios
2.PJ who is making a difference
3.Amy's Birthday today..happy birthday
4.T-ball tonight (gives me something to look forward to)
5.My Mom who is always on stand by when we need her.

LY Tracie

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 10:31 PM CDT

It is official the surgery date is set for the 3rd of August.

Every morning I get up and light my St. Anthony candle and then I do it again at bedtime.
For me it is a visual reminder that God is with me and I don't have to go through this alone.
I have decided that lots of praying and "God reminders" is the only way I'm getting through this.

Abi is aware of the up-coming surgery and knows about it but she really isn't saying much, but I know she is scared and worried.
I think she knows something has to be done though because with each passing day it seems she gets a little more uncomfortable.
I guess that tells Paul and I the same thing...we couldn't let this go.

We haven't told her sisters yet they seem to take it so hard...Matti is usually the one I'm most concerned about so we decided to wait a little while.

It is so sad because day after day I read about so many kids that suffer with this..please pray for them..Heather,Cristina,Anna,Kira,Kara,Baily,Alex,Riley,Gaby,and so many more...
Prayers also for Mark,Allison,Braydon,Nichole,PJ,My Mom(Cancer again this time on her back),The Dols family,Moms club,MCAD kids..and those of you who are in my heart...

My 5
1.My "wait" book
2.My St. Anthony candle from Cub
3.People who are there to help
4.Abi's teacher Christi
5.Pancakes

LY lots...Tracie

Monday, July 9, 2007 10:22 PM CDT

I sent off for the MRI report today just wishing that it might say something that would tell me that the surgery wasn't needed...why I thought that would be the case I don't know.

It actually was just the opposite it said the sryinx was the same but the swelling in the spinal cord is worse going all the way to C7.
I guess there is my answer!!

I laid in bed last night going over mental pictures and notes from the last surgery....I know it was a hard time and now the thought of a Repeat is so difficult for me to take.
I have this pain in my stomach and no matter how hard I cry or fight it the feeling remains.

It seems like the surgery date will be July 30th or the 1st of August..I will get back to you when I know for sure.

On the Make-a-wish things are coming along and it is going to look so good down here...the stage is built and today the painter came and it looks great!! I really hope it gets done in time.....

If you have time drop me a note I'd love to hear from you...

Once again thank you for checking in on us and for all the prayers.......I believe in the power of prayer.

MY 5

1.Buying the "St.Anthony" candle at Cub that I found by the mexican food. (I'll probably have 50 of them lined up on the front sidewalk).
2.Abi's wish coming together
3.Friends who really let us know we are loved
4. Abi's Angels
5.Knowing This too shall pass

Prayers going out to all of you.....God's there...

LY Tracie

Sunday, July 8, 2007 2:04 PM CDT

The computer will be off for a couple days due to the fact that the Make-a-wish painters will be here.
If you need to get in touch with me please call instead of leaving a message.

Thanks...LY Tracie

Thursday, July 5, 2007 10:17 PM CDT

I know I should have faith and strongly believe that this surgery will be the one!! the answers to our prayers for Abi.....But it's hard to think that or even try and fake it when inside my heart just hurts.

It seriously took everything I had to get through that last surgery "High risk"...now I have to repeat it...what will this one be "extremely high risk"???

If that is not enough we are having a constant struggle to save our house....It's not bad enough to have a sick child but mortgage companies could care less if you are out on the street they just want the house or the $$$$$. Ours was even nice enough to say that they would assist us in selling it...Thanks now that is true example of being a team player.

I don't tell you this so you will feel sorry for us , I tell you this because something has to be done to help families like ours that not only have to suffer heartbreak of a seriously ill child but also they are trying like heck to keep a roof over their heads !!!

I sent an e-mail to the paper because I'm just fed up.. and while I was with Abi today at her appt. they called because they too feel foreclosure is a big problem and no'one is stepping in to prevent it. So I will be talking with her tomorrow.

On a better side the stage is being built tomorrow (Make-a-wish) things are really starting to come together Monday the painter will be here...YEA !! It really gives Abi something else to focus on..all of us for that matter.

Well have a good weekend and stay cool......LY

Thursday, July 5, 2007 9:00 AM CDT

Well the fireworks are over and the really good time we had with friends and family..back to reality...

The sad news is Abi will be going back into surgery very soon.
It will not be the easy kind it will once again be the kind that breaks all of our hearts.

Dr. Partington let us know that the syrinx is not going away and we need to do something ...I asked him about the fact that he could never go in to the back again??? His reply was "We have no choice".

I really felt as if I had gotten the breath knocked out of me and I still do.
I will be getting a call but it will probably be within the next couple weeks.

If you could send us some prayers we could use a little pick me up right now.

Once again our rollercoaster is off and running....I was hoping to get off this ride but that doesn't look like it will be happening anytime soon.

Thank you for coming by....LY Tracie

Tuesday, July 3, 2007 3:40 PM CDT

Here we sit at gillette..we are going to see Dr. Partington after all..I guess he is coming in (Hopefully not just for us).

I did look at the scan and it does not look any better..I have to say I'm very disappointed..but we will see..well they called us so have to go.
Bye for now....

Monday, July 2, 2007 10:24 PM CDT

Here we go again the upward hill of the rollercoaster....I do always kind of feel like that ..so many thoughts and fears on the night before an MRI will it be good or bad ???
Like I always say it is out of our hands....But for Abi's sake I hope it's good.
They moved our appt. to the morning so we will go ealier then we thought but that's good get it over with.
The great part about that is we don't have to be at gillette until later in the afternoon so I will have time in between to come home and look at the disk.

As always I will update on what I see...Remeber I'm not a Doctor i just pretend to be..ha ha

I know you probably aren't suppose to ask God for special favors but I really feel like it tonight..I just want some good news tomorrow !!!
What a celebration the 4th would be if thats the case.......

Please send some prayers Abi's way.... let's hope this is the last MRI for a while.....That would be so great.

Thanks for checking on us...LY Tracie

" I trust in you, O Lord;
I say, "you are my God.'
My times are in your hand."
-Psalm 31:14-15

Sunday, July 1, 2007 11:00 PM CDT

The fourth of July is an exciting time around our house.....We all love it..
I wasn't really into it too much to begin with but now the thought of spending time with people that I enjoy sounds like a great thing to do.

The thought of the up-coming MRI has me a little concerned now I was feeling 50/50. I now have changed my opinion because of the last couple of days.
Abi has just been so uncomfortable her arms are probably the worst they just constantly hurt.
As always I hope my gut feeling is wrong.

(Get ready here comes the feel good part of my entry)
I sit here tonight and tell you that I do believe God will still be in charge if the scan is good or bad...So I will walk in there like I always do with my little mustard seed faith and take what comes.
I still always Hope for the good....................

This goes for really all areas in my life..this isn't the only fun situation I have going right now..yes there's more.

Our life is like those photo packages you get to order at school..we are package "D" the big one ..it includes the photo magnet and everything you could ever want in a picture
even those tiny tiny little ones...what are those anyway???
If you recieved one of those in the mail from someone you would feel like they didn't like you enough to send a "wallet size" so instead you get the "Locket size". anyway

So tomorrow I will get up brush my teeth and do what we all will .... play the game of "LIFE".

Thanks for being here..leave me a note if you have time...LY

My 5
1.The "Make a wish people" who grant wishes to children who need a fairy Godmother.
2.Paul and the way he was so excited about going to look at fireworks today.
3.Abi and how she doesn't let pain control her life.
4.Matti and how she has grown up so much just in the past month.
5.Humor and how sometimes it's all you've got.

Thursday, June 28, 2007 10:26 PM CDT

Anytime I write an entry like the one yesterday I always have a strong feeling of guilt.
I almost feel like I should climb to the top of a mountain and sing praises for all that I have...but as we all know I think it's human nature to want a better situation.

I read about a little girl she had Chiari/syrinx and she was only 11 and now she is gone...that is just how serious this can be. My heart breaks for that family and it has really opened my eyes to what we are dealing with.

It seems the doctors just do so much to help and fix this and that but in the end it only seems to make the picture so much more complicated.

Like Abi's situation Dr. P said He could not go back in there because it is too dangerous and too messy with all the scar tissue...so what do we do if the syrinx isn't smaller?? What then...I guess that's a tough question to answer right now but surgery doesn't seem like such a sure deal to me anymore.

Well tomorrow it's off to another Physical for Abi because of the up-coming MRI..blah blah blah..I'm so not in the mood to go..Dr. B will be not so happy that we are giving her more valium at night...He likes to be a little more on the conservative side but relaxation breathing wasn't doing it.

I read a bible verse on how if you ask God for something He will give it to you..The funny thing about that is He doesn't say WHEN..So I guess all there is to do is keep asking and when it is suppose to be it will. I guess that is where the blind faith comes in.
So I guess I will get going because I have a long list of requests tonight.

Thanks for being here and PLEASE let me know you stopped by..........

Pray for those families who have to suffer with illness...I wish I had that magic wand to make it all better.

MY 5
1.Matti and her T-ball game..It brings me such joy to watch her.
2.A cool breeze
3.Watching "Young and the restless" How does someone end up living in a shack in the mountains after a small jet crash and then when he finally makes it home he has a severe case of memory loss. Why do they always give them memory loss???
4.Going to "Once upon a child" to sell some kids stuff an actually making a little money ( I tried to sell them Kaydee but they informed me they don't take children)..ha ha
5.The fact that people actually read this......Hmmmmm

LY have a nice weekend.....Tracie

Wednesday, June 27, 2007 10:25 PM CDT

I wonder ........If I have a really bad day was it because I was too focused on me???
Not sure if it was waking up to Lola throwing up her dog food all over the rug or Kaydee dropping her strawberry smoothie down the basement stairs or it could of been the fact that I pulled all the girls bedding off to clean them all and the washing machine broke.

A friend of mine was telling me how she feels down and kind of in a slump and she doesn't know why??
My new attitude is I think we should question when we are happy instead.....

Picture someone coming up to you and saying "Gosh I'm really happy and I don't know what's wrong with me".
So accept feeling down and blue....Question happiness.

Don't worry I'm not going into another "Boat story".
I can always tell when I journal something kind of out there because Paul will always call to make sure I'm okay...I think I always tell him "Of course honey I'm just fine" as I stand there with a bunch of my hair that I just pulled out in my hand.ha ha

I was able to double Abi's medication Dr. Wical gave me the go ahead so tonight it only took her 30 minutes to get comfortable instead of 2 hours ..so that's good.

Abi's wish is starting to take shape ..kind of looking for a finish date at the end of July !!

Well that's all I got....Even though my day was not the best I still have things to be so thankful for.....

My 5
1.Lots of paper towels.
2.How everything seems so still and peaceful right now.
3.Friends who have issues too..So we can laugh about it!!
4.The carpet on our basement stairs is a dark color.
5.The fact that I just don't have to be HAPPY if I don't want to....that word is used way too much.HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY
HAPPY HAPPY....

Love ya .....Please let me know you were here.....

Praying hard for you guys...Mark,Heather,Cristina,Anna,Kara,Kira,Moms club,Chiari/sm kids,MCAD kids,Braydon,Allison,Dols family, all of you in my heart...goodnight

Monday, June 25, 2007 9:56 PM CDT

There are times in life when you have to wonder if your in the right boat???
Seems alot of the time I'm using my paddle (Because my motor is broken) but yet I'm not getting very far or in fact any place for that matter.
But then there is that question?? Is this where I'm suppose to be???
What if all along I was suppose to be in another boat and that's why this one has been such a rough sail???
Then the fear of leaving a boat you are so comfortable in is scary...Even though maybe the new boat is so where you are suppose to be????
Should you stay where your comfortable even if your sinking???I know "Pray about it" that is really all a sailor can do.....I'm glad God has the answers because as you can tell I don't.

Well the days are going pretty good for Abi some pain on/off but seems to be able to function okay.
Nights on the other hand are tough...I think it's because as long as she keeps moving she's okay the minute she has to be still she can't get comfortable her body won't let her.
I'm going to call and see about getting her a little something stronger that might relax her more because the valium isn't doing the trick.
MRI still scheduled for the 3rd of July and to be honest I really don't have a feeling about this one...so I will either be completely surprised by the good news or completely shocked by the bad news...I figure my chances are 50/50.

The other girls are doing pretty well, I think they are enjoying the summer.
There was no swimming today because Matti and Kaydee were scared of a mean big butterfly..they acted like a black bear was loose in the yard....anyway so we just went to the library instead......

MY 5
1.walks
2.Knowing God is so there for me
3.E-mails
4.My stomach that I thought had enough sun-screen..It looks like the Target Logo.
5.The way I can write dumb stuff about a boat and people just accept it because they know I'm nuts.......

Prayers going out to so many that have to struggle ..I wish that wasn't the case...LY

Tracie

Friday, June 22, 2007 7:58 AM CDT

Not sure if it's the clouds but i'm feeling a little low today......Once again I feel unplugged.

Kaydee seems to be feeling a little better but now Abi is going down...Dr. B did end up putting her on an antibiotic because he found no infection but Strep in her urine.

Matti is still holding her own but usually she is the first to have it...knowing her she won't say anything because she hates to get her throat cultured.....

Thanks for the E-mails they are such a spirit booster....Take care and have a safe weekend.....Talk to you on sunday night.

LY Tracie

Thursday, June 21, 2007 5:46 AM CDT

I ask myself "Why are you up so early"? I guess I thought if I got out of bed early I could have a little me time before the "Amazing race" starts..that's what it seems like these last couple of days.

Kaydee did end up having a bad case of strep..no wonder she was making bad breathing sounds her airway was a little bit on the closed side. Since I am a doctor I know that you need to breathe I learned that in "Moms who don't want to be a doctor" school.
So today we will start her on Pennicillin and hope for the best. I will not put up the yellow banner around the house yet I think I'll wait.

Abi was seen yesterday too and gave a urine sample. I guess I thought maybe just maybe she would have this bad unknown serious infection and that would explain all the constant incontinence problems she is having. No such luck I'm afraid.
Remeber when I said that I thought maybe her syrinx was getting better....never mind.

Headaches and arm pain are back in play and all the other family members that come with it. Darn!!

The Doctor did also want abi to have two more tests added to the pile so we will have a fun day then..but it's not until the 9th how I wish it was sooner.
Well I guess we had our little week of summer..now the fun really begins.

Like so many other people we know with this condition......
you enjoy what you can
deal with what you have to
and keep getting up in the morning and Thanking God.

So that is what we will do!!

Thanks for being here and leave me a note so I know you were here....It doesn't have to be anything special just sign your name if you want....LY Tracie

Tuesday, June 19, 2007 10:36 PM CDT

I feel like I have been running a race these last couple days....

Abi has been having some issues with her bladder so now we have to go in for Testing to see if she has "Neurogenic Bladder"..A condition that can be caused by?? Can you guess??Yes that's right that dumb syrinx...The bad news is we can't even get in for testing until the 9th of July...so what are we suppose to do till then??? Wait I guess...

Abi seemed pretty off today all her wires seemed to be crossed.
In the act of trying to be a kid she ended up flying over the handlebars of her scooter and banged herself up pretty good...Matti did make the comment that she looked really cool while she was falling..I guess style is always important in any type of scooter accident..ha ha

Tomorrow it is off to take Lola to the Vet and then Kaydee to see the doctor she has been sick the last couple of days.
I'm thinking Strep but again I am no doctor!! It was hard to come down here because when she sleeps it sounds like she is in a struggle to breathe.

A couple days of summer and now I guess the fun is over...I almost got spoiled there for a second....It's time to put my lab coat on and get back in there.

Prayers going out to all my people..LY

Have a good day and remember If your dizzy and have balance issues STAY OFF TWO WHEELED SCOOTERS !!! Just an FYI

Hugs to ya....

My 5
1.Abi didn't break anything
2.The nice weather today
3.The way Kaydee kept saying "Happy Chinese Day" we even had a little celebration (Don't ask me what it is I don't know).
4.Dr. B taking care of things once again
5.Blessings

Sunday, June 17, 2007 10:26 PM CDT

This last week I stayed busy trying to figure out what is next in this big novel I like to call "How to clean up AFTER the crap hits the fan".
I've been trying to find ways for us to just make it ..what can I do to make life a little easier??
So far I've come up with Not going to ALDI!!!
I have come to realize that I'm a picky poor person...I love the smell of a good Super Target and the way Rainbow has the little mist sprayer that covers the fruits and vegtables if you time it just right.
If you have been a longtime CB follower you know I have gone to 2nd harvest and also have stood in line at many free things in my days but ALDI..can't do it!! Not sure if it's the quarter I have to put in to get a cart out or the fact that There was a man in a very long line ahead of me buying so much raw meat I seriously considered being a vegtable eater for life....Yikes..bad news was he was on crutches and couldn't reach all the meat under his cart so I came to his "Meat rescue"..some of the meat I didn't even recognize...

I think because things have been a little more mellow it gives me more time to worry...I know you would think I get a tiny break from my medical career I would be skipping and running ...I'm doing a little of that too.

Abi has been doing good a little more headaches and some other new things but nothing we can't handle.
I really think the girls have been having a good summer so far..I want to make that happen for them so badly.

Matti had her first T-ball game and I felt so happy inside ..I was one of those Moms I always talk about..There I was sitting on those hard awful bleachers and I wouldn't have traded it for anything. When you haven't had stuff like that in your life when it comes around it is so great!!

Kaydee decided she wanted to call out "Mommy" every ten minutes last night starting around twelve and ending at four ....People always say "wait until they are teenagers" at least they sleep and even if they don't you just take away their phone..Right?

Well pauls fathers day was nice ...It started by him making his own breakfast then blowing up the pool followed by cleaning out the fridge because a bottle of steak sauce broke and dripped over all three shelves...What a day!!Nothing says I'm a Father then a wonderful day like that..ha ha... he's so spoiled.

Abi's MRI will be July 3rd so we think...this will be the last one for a while ...she just can't keep going through all that every month..It's getting old. No matter what it shows we need a break.

Well for today God continues to bless us an for that we are thankful.....Have a day of great things and know Gods there.

Prayers going out...Send a happy birthday wish up to heaven I know Sophia would like that......LY Tracie

MY 5
1.My friends
2.Hospital free for a while
3.Air conditioning
4.Blow up pools
5.That the girls have such a wonderful Dad......

Tuesday, June 12, 2007 7:29 AM CDT

Sometimes not hearing from me isn't always bad...Abi has been doing pretty well...We have our days but really she has been okay.
Mornings are still the worst and nights but yesterday she was able to play in the water with her best friends and be a kid...It was great to watch her laugh and just play....

I told her that I wasn't going to tell her what she can and can't do and let her be the boss of her own body..... (I'm trying)
I followed that up with if we start going to the ER though I'm back in charge. She does tend to do too much but I think she is starting to get the fact that if she does she pays for it later.

That's really all for now don't have a date yet for the next MRI...let you know when we hear....I'm almost thinking it will be good !! What a thought that would be....Nice for a change.

Take care...stay cool...

LY Tracie

Saturday, June 9, 2007 6:09 AM CDT

Once again i am up too early...What is wrong with me....Don't answer that I'm sure everyone has an opinion.

The eye Doctor went pretty well ..Abi doesn't have any pressure on her optic nerve yet as she can tell so that's good It helps me to breathe a little better knowing that stupid thing isn't causing eye damage.
The not so good news is Abi will have to undergo eye surgeries on both of her eyes and eye lids once the syrinx is taken care of.....Abi heard what she said and looked at me and made the comment "That's a easy surgery right Mom"?
Funny how an eye operation is an easy thing to us compared to all the other things she has to deal with.

Well it is the start of Summer for the kids !! Paul is going to blow up the pool today then we will spend some time with his folks tonight....

Got a card from our dentist and YES it's that time again...BAD news is Matti has that small cavity that needs tending to !!! Yikes I think it would be easier to pin her down and rip out the tooth instead....It's a struggle with her to even clip her nails...(See I knew it would be a fun summer).ha ha

If you could send a little prayer to Gillette "Allison" is there and has been for a week..and the pain in her head is not being very nice.

Heather another chiari Pal just had surgery (Not the easy kind) and could use some prayers.

Mark is doing better and gets to spend time with his parents at home but still needs your prayers.

Braydon still might need another heart surgery and his parents just got a new home.

Nichole and her family will be going to help others as missionaries and could use prayers.

Cristina (Chiari Pal) is working a job and could use prayers of strength she is trying so hard to make her life work.Yea cristina!!

Anna (Chiari pal) is still in too much pain and is having other serious issues.

The laundry lady(Rochelle) just had a new son and is dealing with alot of emotions and a healthy baby boy!!!

The Dols family lost their Daughter and has such an incredible faith it has been a true example for me.

Gavin is doing well but could use prayers of continued health.

Riley and Alex (Chiari kids) prayers for them.

Kira is having trouble because she has so many things on her plate I wish I could pray hard enough to take some of it off for her.

Matt and Gaby two guys I read about also have Chiari and lots of struggles with that.Prayers for them..Lots

PJ lost her husband several years ago and has that anniversary to deal with and her daughter was in a serious car accident but is doing okay..Thank you God for that...

Tom (Pauls uncle) Had eye surgery to help him to see and we are praying it works.

Muriel a wonderful lady had a mild stroke but is doing great prayers for her continued recovery.

Jessica (Chiari/syrinx) prayers for her pain to go away.

Just wanted you to know why I mention all these wonderful people..If I left someone out it doesn't mean I don't pray for you it just means that it's 6:00 in the morning....ha ha

Love you guys have a nice weekend.

My 5
1.
2.
3.All the people I've been blessed to know throughout this journey and the power of prayer.
4.
5.

Thursday, June 7, 2007 9:44 PM CDT

Tomorrow it is off to the Eye specialist with Abi not even sure what we will hear ....I will let you know.

Last day of Kindergarten We really made it through now I have a Pre-schooler,1st grader and a fourth grader..how can that even be possible.
THANK YOU TO ALL THE TEACHERS!!You work hard and deserve a big pat on the back.

I'm really wanting a low key weekend and I really hope that is the case.

Have a good one and again thank you for all the support ..this was a hard week.

LY Tracie

Prayers going out to Kira,Allison,Cristina,Anna,Jessica,Kara,Gaby,Heather,Alex,Riley,Matt
Mark,So many more......

Wednesday, June 6, 2007 9:38 PM CDT

I must say I spent most of the day in tears...I just felt bad and I just couldn't shake it off I don't even know if I wanted to.
Abi has been doing okay since the shunt change but it seems it never really does much for her.
When I talked with Dr. B today his comment was" oh great another shunt adjustment that should do the trick".
He did ask if anyone has checked her for muscle loss or has seen her being dizzy? I told him that Dr. Wical(Abi's Neurologist) is the only one who has because she is the one who takes the time to really examine her.
It takes more then walk with one foot in front of the other and hop on one foot...I must say I hate all those tests that for us are meaningless.

So Dr. B will be sending out some sort of letter to all of our team to make sure we are covering all our bases.
Abi will be going to her Eye Doctor who was nice enough to see us Friday to check and see if in fact the syrinx has caused some damage. I don't see how there can't be with all the eye issues she has been having.

I took time to go to a Doctor today ..I know hard to believe ..Since my Mom had that skin cancer scare and had to have all those surgeries done I felt it was in my best interest to start going for skin checks.
Well all those sunny days in Texas when I put baby oil all over my skin to get the best burn possible has paid off( And people say that folks from Texas are stupid)....I had to have a biopsy done on the side of my nose...Not really what i thought would happen but life does always seem to take us by surprise....

Good news Matti loves school now !!! How great is that there are only 2 days left...I only wish she could of figured that out months ago.

Kaydee has decided that she is now in charge of the house and if things don't go her way she will scream until they do!!! Good luck on that I've been doing that for years without a good response.

I kept asking myself today why I can't just be happy with the fact that Abi gets up every morning and breathes in and out....why isn't that enough?? I think it's because I love her that much ...when she hurts I hurt .. and I believe in my heart that she is not at the place she needs to be......will she ever be??That I don't know .

My 5
1.People who never get sick of us and our situation and are in it for the journey.
2.The Chiari/SM support we get from other families that get it.
3.Knowing that it's okay to be sad,mad,happy whatever.
4.White robes
5.Rainbows

LY.... so many prayers going out tonight..you know who you are..

Tuesday, June 5, 2007 10:06 PM CDT

I haven't been that happy today...I'm angry
I know it's not Dr. P's fault that Abi's body isn't doing what it should I know he's trying.........The report did show that the syrinx and the spinal cord swelling is exactly the same as last month.

I've been doing this "Please help my daughter" thing for 5 years now and it's hard for me to stop looking for answers and new ways to help her. I have come to terms with the fact that she will never be a clean slate she will always have stuff.

I don't like the fact that this does have so much control over me and my life..I told myself after meeting with Dr. P that I was going to leave that office and start living my life.
I was trying to make my fall softer somehow..I can't even explain the feeling that you have when things just don't go anywhere...Once again I find myself moving my feet but not going places.
I don't want to be so hurt when things don't go right but how can you not be..that's my little girl.

I guess my wish for today is to get her to that "Place"
the place where she is okay , the place where I can get up in the morning and not worry about what the day will bring for her. I want to know that everything has been done that can be.
When that day is here maybe I won't feel so angry and so defeated.

There is really no instruction manual for this and I am really doing the best I can....

LY Tracie

Monday, June 4, 2007 9:13 PM CDT

I really want to believe in miracles and things that happen when we don't expect them to........but for today i just can't.
The day was a very long one ...It seemed like we were in the car for 12 hours.

Dr. Partington looked at the MRI and thought that the syrinx looked better???

He couldn't be too sure because of the differances in scans so he called the radiologist and she confirmed that in fact it was the same with no real change.(I will be getting the report tomorrow).

It was almost like he wanted to be positive so bad and wanted to believe that this is going to be alright....he then said that maybe Abi's eye issues, Headaches,dizziness might be allergies.!!!!! WHAT !!Did that just come out ..Allergies..I kicked that idea to the curb fast and don't want it even brought up again......
I know my child and allergies are not the problem. If that were the case I'd have a box of tissues and some nose spray and we would be on our way to happy ever after land.

He did end up turning her shunt down because he thinks that is helping..BUT I know when he turned it down last time she got worse..so I think we are in for a fun ride.
She was pretty uncomfortable tonight and was complaining alot about her Neck and head....I guess it's those darn allergies acting up again !! WHATEVER

I will be making an eye appt. for Abi...911 because her eye doctor said if that syrinx is causing her to have pressure on her optic nerve there could be permanent damage to her eyes.
She also said if she finds that to be true she will be on that phone in two seconds to see what is going to be done about it.

Please don't get me wrong I do believe in Dr. P I just get so frustrated when things are kind of swept under the rug. I know he is human and I really wouldn't want Abi any other place right now.
So the game plan now is to have another MRI (#1000)in a month from today......Yea I'll mark my calendar.

I will give more info when i get the MRI report tomorrow...

Thanks to everyone who sent the prayers and the E-mails don't know what I'd do without you.......

Prayers going out to.... Allison who just had surgery, Heather who is recovering from surgery, Cristina,Kira,Gavin,Alex, Riley,Anna,Mark,Tom,Muriel,Nichole,Braydon, Those who are in my heart........

My 5
1.No surgery date
2.A hot bath
3.Gas prices going down
4. Knowing doctors are human and not God
5.My Mom having a nice meal waiting for me when I got home today

LY Tracie

Saturday, June 2, 2007 6:23 AM CDT

It's funny when you reach the place when you know things aren't going to change.......I really don't know if I have been blind or just didn't want to see the fact that this is as good as it gets.
So I think really I had more hope then I thought...but now I have to come to terms with the fact that this is our new "Normal".
It broke my heart yesterday looking down the hall at school wishing Abi was running around with all the other kids and doing relay stuff (It was track and field day at school). Her friends stopped by as we were sitting there watching Matti and they asked her if she was doing any of the activities today??She just smiled and said "Not today".

I decided to call Dr. Partington about Abi because I have really reached over my comfort level and now I'm getting a little nervous...just worried ...
Dr. P called me back personally and said he will be moving the MRI date up to Monday at 9:00...He was concerned with all the symptoms getting worse...
So it's Monday...My days of wondering are here...I'm scared but I think we need to do something because I want Abi to be able to walk and do what she can do now..I don't want to lose anything else.
If I could ask for some prayers of strength for our family..not too sure the news will be what we want to hear.

I read about so many families with problems like ours and it provides a comfort to me but at the same time it breaks my heart to know others feel like this....

Please pray for those families.....Thanks

My 5
1.Knowing that God will give us all that we need.
2.Matti and how great she was at Track and field day..
3.Going to the Eye Dr. with Kaydee and hearing "She's perfect".
4.Dr P calling me himself.
5.Dr. Berkowitz for coming in early Monday Morning so Abi can get a physical before her 9:00 MRI.

Once again I thank all of you for being here with us..LY Tracie

P.S. Nichole is asking for New books so if you are interested in donating one in Sophia's honor please E-mail me and I will get you the information..Thanks

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 9:53 PM CDT

Hi ....Well I think the home projects are done for now..good thing because I'm a little tired.

Now it is time to focus on end of school stuff and setting up a summer school schedule for both girls...Abi will continue on her same schedule and matti will be working on her reading skills one hour a week with abi's teacher.

The Make a wish people came over tonight with a couple designers and looked at the basement and asked Abi a couple things. Looks like it will be a slow process but it will be nice when the room is done and we can all hang out together down there.

If anyone is interested ..Nichole will be celebrating Sophia's birthday by having a book drive in her honor..If anyone would like to help I would be more then happy to send her your book along with mine or E-mail me and I will give you the address.

Things are pretty much the same here Abi is just feeling uncomfortable in her own skin right now...Everyday is a headache day I really haven't missed this at all...I can't help but look at the calendar and count the days until we see Dr. P again.....
It makes me nervous to think this syrinx could be growing and who knows what it will do to her.
Yesterday she made the comment that her legs feel differant like they aren't strong enough to hold her.....I wanted to take what she said serious but at the same time I wanted to ignore it..I almost don't want to know even though I would never tell her that.

Well have a good day and stay dry.....

My 5
1. Sophia Ekstrom
2. Trust
3.Prayers
4.Duct tape (In colors)
5.Make a wish foundation

Prayers going out to Heather who just had surgery,Cristina,Kira,Kara,Braydon,Alex,Gavin,Riley,Nichole,Anna,Allison,
Mark,Matt,Gaby,Muriel,Tom,Moms club,Chiari/syrinx group,MCAD kids,Lots of people in my heart....LY Tracie

Monday, May 28, 2007 9:39 PM CDT

It is official...I am A FREAK !!!
Not only did I do all the kitchen cabinets most people would think that is enough ....Oh no I had to decide to paint and re-organize the girls bedroom..It only took me three days.
I'm having trouble typing this because my arms hurt so bad......

Paul just looked at me all weekend like I was losing my marbles..I was running around like a little tornado.
Sorry Paul.

I know there is going to be a time when I do stop and I will be sad...sounds funny but I know it's true..the fact is I'm not sure how to handle all this yet so I'm not.
So for today I will keep going.

The syrinx seems to be taking a toll on little Abi she hasn't had the best weekend....She was able to go to a picnic on sat. and she really enjoyed that but as far as anything else goes she has been not so great.
The other day she told me that she thinks the syrinx is getting smaller..I asked her why she thought that and her reply was "Just because I want it to be".
I want that too....More then anything.

I recieved an E-mail from a Mom who has a child that is going through alot....She said something that really described how I'm feeling....."I'm so scared of losing hope,but I'm also scared of getting my hopes up".
I thought that was so true...I know God loves me and I don't think for one minute that he isn't there for us because I see it everyday in Abi's eyes...I see His strength...
But at the end of the day It's us watching our children hurt and that is something I will never get used to...It's like watching you child get beat up and not being able to stop it......How frustrating....
I pray tonight for a better life for her and other children like her..I also pray for the moms and Dads who have to be the spectators.

My 5
1.Moms who get where I'm coming from.
2.Good friends and good steaks.
3.Paul for putting up with me right now.
4.Singing around a fire.
5.Hope

LY lots ....

P.S. I'm running out of projects here so if anyone needs home repair please let me know...Hee hee

Please send duct tape...

Friday, May 25, 2007 6:28 AM CDT

I was going to sit here and tell you how sad I've been these last couple days..But we've been there before together...The only differance this time is I'm angry !! Not sure at who but I'm just angry..
I'm praying every night for Abi, not asking for anything just praying.....
I guess I should be praying for understanding too because this situation just doesn't seem real to me...or make any sense.

The good news is I have found a new talent.....Afraid to ask ?? Well I will tell you...I'm making purses out of Duct tape...How cool is that!!! The good news is I can do that while sitting in hospitals,when I'm locked up at the crazy house, Or just in the comfort of my own home.
I knew one day God would show me my true "Gift"..the reason I am here..well that day is here my friends...Duct Tape !

Anyway on that note...have a nice weekend ..

This weekend I will remember all those people who gave up their life to fight for our freedom.........Thank you

LY Tracie

Tuesday, May 22, 2007 10:13 PM CDT

I have this need to keep going It's almost like I'm afraid to slow down because being sad will catch up with me.....

I wish I could tell you that Abi is getting better because I so want that to be the case ....I want at least one little sign that the syrinx is getting smaller ..But with what I'm seeing it's going the other way.

She hasn't been too active during the day like she usually is... lots of headaches today too.
I must say though her spirit is one that can't be broken..she is just so happy most the time and really laughs quite a bit considering how much her little body is going through.
She is such an example for me of strength ..It's almost like God Is holding her hand so tight that nothing can get her....

I had one of those "Just a Mom" moments...The Lady that will be coaching Matti's T-ball team called to give me the schedule..I can't wait and the nice thing was she doesn't know anything about me, as far as she is concerned I'm just another Mom..Love that.
I get tired of being "The Mom with the sick kid" sometimes I just want to be Tracie "Just a Mom".

Today It must have taken me an hour to explain to Kaydee why she has to wear the arm holes of her shirt the right way...She pulls them down and makes a halter top...Finally I had to get firm with her and explain that she is not or will ever be a BRATZ DOLL !!! I think she took the news pretty hard...ha ha

Just another day in Paradise......

I really appreciated all the nice E-mails Thank you...Sometimes that's what gets me through the hard days.
It's nice to know I have you......

MY 5
1.The things God does for Abi. and all of us...
2.People who never get tired of giving.
3.The fact that American Idol is almost over...Yawn
4.Marsha Brady on Dr. Phil ..What was that about????
5.I'm finally done getting all the cabinet doors and handles on.....Thank you God..I found I'm not great with power tools (Why are they so heavy)

Prayers being sent for Allison, Heather who has surgery coming up soon, Cristina, Tom,Anna,Kira,Kara,Gaby,Matt,Chiari gang,Mark,Dohls family,Nichole, LL's new Baby,PJ and her daughter,Braydon,Gavin,Riley,Alex,Muriel,
MCAD kids,So many more....

LY

Sunday, May 20, 2007 10:06 PM CDT

Not sure why I always feel like I have to hold it all together... then when night comes I can be a mess if I want to.
I want to be strong for Abi I don't want her to know how worried and upset I really am.

Today at church I went to a talk called "Loss of Dreams" it was given by an amazing man Ted Bowman.
I think when you are the Mother of a sick child you feel guilty complaining about your life.
We should count our blessings,Look on the bright side of things,Keep our chins up,Give it to God,Take it one day at a time..........................All of that is great to hear but this life is hard It is how he put it today "Loss accumulation overload.

You take your everyday stuff (that's alot of stress already) then add all the extra ...that's overload.
It was mentioned about how we sign up to be Mothers then we end up being "Case Managers" taking care of Doctors,medicines,hospital stays,home teachers..You get the idea.
When he was talking I kept thinking about what was my dream how did I want my life to be??
I don't think I had a picture perfect plan picked out I just wanted what everyone else had
A family , A home and a job that I liked enough to go everyday.

I still remember Abi's first MRI..putting her to sleep was so hard I remeber crying and telling my mom "Think of those parents of sick kids that have to do stuff like this all the time , How hard would that be". Now i know I guess and It stinks !!!

Please remember when I complain about things it is my way of getting it out..I'm Thankful everyday that I get up to a house full of love and no matter what the day decides to throw at me I always know I have Family and Great friends I can count on.

I started going a little crazy here at home after meeting with Dr. Partington .. So I did what I do best "Cleaned everything I could get my hands on".

Knowing this wasn't just our usual medical stress but the kind that is rated much higher I knew cleaning wouldn't keep me from a state of Sad... I needed something much bigger???

So I started taking all the doors off my kitchen cabinets and decided that I was going to paint them!
Of course I asked for Pauls opinion..but being the smart man he is he just stood out of the way..ha ha.. Love that guy.

So now our kitchen looks like something out of Good houskeeping magazine..I must say I did a good job.

Later today Paul was eating some snacks and I told him don't
eat all those we won't have anything for the rest of the week !! As he put the bag of Lays down he shot those blue eyes at me and said "Because you spent all our money on Paint"?
All I could say was it's better then a drug habit..ha ha

Have a good week ...

I also learned today how whenever we ask "How are you"? Our normal response is always "Fine"!! Even if we are or not..I do it all the time..from now on I'm going to say "I got out of bed"..and I'll just leave it at that..ha ha

Prayers going out for Tom(Paul's uncle) who will have surgery on Monday ,Allison,Anna,Cristina,Gaby,Kara,Kira,Heather,Braydon,PJ and daughter,Muriel,Matt, MCAD kids,Chiari/syrinx gang, Moms club, Mark.....lots more

LY Tracie

My 5
1. Going to that class and being able to put a title on how I feel.
2. Sitting by a friend.
3. E-mails...Please leave me some.
4. My family and friends...Thanks
5.My new barn red cabinets...

Thursday, May 17, 2007 10:13 PM CDT

I kept busy all day after our appt. because I didn't want the sadness that I'm feeling to catch up with me...
My stomach hurts because I just feel so upset by all this. Paul and I walked around almost like we didn't have anything to say about it..What do you say?? We could yell about how unfair this is and how we have had enough !!! we could breakdown and cry because we feel like this is never going to end and we are so tired....But really where does that get us??Right here where we are now.

I must say when Abi and I listened to Dr.P talk about the films we knew the next thing coming out of his mouth was a surgery date.
I think he is holding out these four weeks for a miracle too....
I want to believe that things will change I do but looking at those films today it's hard for me to believe that something like that just decides to go.....I know God can't take it away because He would of by now ..I just have to pray for Abi, I'm not going to ask for anything I'm just going to pray for her.

This news is hard for us I think we all just feel so defeated.....so beaten up...Thank you for checking in

LY Tracie

Prayers going out

Thursday, May 17, 2007 1:23 PM CDT

So we wait once again.......unless things get worse in 4 weeks, we are having another MRI on June 21st.
Basically he said things don't look good ...her face is starting to droop a little and feelng numb at times just basically syrinx complications along with all the other stuff.
If the MRI shows that the syrinx has gotten bigger then it's off to the Operating room for Abi. The thought of that is not something I want to even think about.

I know there's a chance things could improve and I really hope that is the case.....One of those miracle things again.

Thanks for checking in...and for keeping us in your prayers today.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007 6:26 AM CDT

I now have to journal in the morning because of Abi she not sleeping as sound and for the fact that I'm so anxious when I get up.
I'm trying to look at tomorrow like Okay let's go in there and see what needs to be done..That is the attitude I want !!
Right now I'm so nervous and scared even with God by my side
I think it is because this road is just getting too familiar.

I know two things that make this visit too real for me..

1.Abi can't live her life like this.
2.We can't let Abi live her life like this.

So basically something has to be done but finding out what is never easy. Please send some extra prayers our way tomorrow at 10:00. Thanks

Does it seem to anyone else that there are alot of people who don't have "Enough" ?

I mean there of course are those people who need more but in reality they have more then they need.
I'm talking about the families who have to go on the news as a lead story to get help and let people know that a bank account has been set up or American Idol has to raise money because kids are so hungry that they are dying.
I just feel inside that we are all here for some reason and it is really hard for me to believe that this is all we do.

I have a saying on my bulletin board and it reads "Am I living the life God wants me to live"? I just feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm going to take sometime and really find out what it is I can do. I think as people we get so into our daily thing that at times we just do the whole routine thing that we forget this isn't all there is suppose to be.

A friend of mine Nichole is giving up everything and moving to Africa with her family to be a missionary.
How many of us could give up "Our American Dream" to really help others??
I read that she was doing that and I felt jealous, to be able to not worry about a house payment or cars breaking down or just everyday dumb stuff and just completely get a change of focus..How great is that !!

No I haven't lost my mind I think it is just becoming clear....Go through one news program and usually there is always someone in true need..That seems such a shame when there is so many of us who can help.

Have a good day and Thank you for being here....

Prayers going out to one of Dr. P's other kids Allison who is having surgery today.....
Prayers for Gavin,Riley,Alex,Anna,Cristina,Kara,Kira,Heather,Braydon,Mark,The Dohls family,Muriel, Nichole,Baby LL,Gaby,Matt,Meridel,Tom,PJ,And all of those people who don't have enough....

LY Tracie

HAPPY 9th BIRTHDAY NICK K.

Monday, May 14, 2007 5:49 AM CDT

Sometimes I think we all get in a state of "what the heck" Overload and the world seems to lose it's appeal.

Seems there is so much "ouch" going on right now.
I know this morning I lit a candle and prayed for more people then I would of liked.
I guess on the other side there is so much greatness around us that we wouldn't even have the time to notice it all..there are those times though when the bad stands out a little more.

Mothers day meant so much this year probably because of the fact that my mom is amazing...and because I have three little girls who remind me each day what it means to be a Mother and why God sent me down this path.
It is a tough job to fill but the rewards are more then a box of candy and flowers.

I said to myself that I wasn't going to journal this week because I have been down this road of getting news so many times.
We will be in Dr. Partingtons office on Thursday and I must tell you I know it is out of my hands but I'm pretty scared to go.
It's not like before when I've thought it could be bad but there was that small chance it would turn out okay..
This time we know it's not good.
I'm sick of so many things on so many differant levels..I just want to know why??? Why didn't the surgery work??

Today Matti goes to see Linda to talk over some very real anxiety issues and then Abi goes in for her 9 year old check-up with Dr. B.
I almost don't want to see him in fear that I might lose it..He seems to have a way with saying the right things that make me cry.

Abi was up most the night again just uncomfortable ..there isn't really a night that she doesn't need a washcloth or heatpack..I think It's a pay to play kind of deal...If she wants to be a kid she will have to pay later on in the day.
I sat up in her bunkbed last night holding her little feet and wishing she had it easier..............

Have a nice day and if you wouldn't mind send some prayers out for Paul's Mom (Meridel), Paul's Uncle (Tom), Muriel

PJ, Cristina, Heather, Kira, Anna, Kara, Gaby, Braydon, Matt, Riley, Alex, Other Chiari kids, Gavin, Mark, Nichole, Baby LL, And all of you that are in my heart..

It's not easy to focus on the Good but take the time to see all that God has put in front of us to say how much He loves us....Have a good Monday...LY

Wednesday, May 9, 2007 10:00 PM CDT

I finally got a call from Dr. B the news was not what I wanted but at this point what would I want to hear?????

He just told me that Dr. Partington really doesn't know what the next step is...He's unsure if the shunt in the spinal cord is even working. I would take a guess ...NO!!!

Anyway I just feel like we are on hold until someone figures a way to help Abi.
I know he is talking to other doctors he is really good about that.
My prayers tonight will be that something is found to help this syrinx go away before it does more harm then it already has. I really think at this point in the game all I can do is pray....
I have to tell you and I'm sure I speak for the entire family the thought of another surgery is too much to even imagine. Maybe it's time to say Enough !! I don't know....I'm just sick and tired of false hopes.
We just keep sending her in there saying "This will help you feel better". Has it ever??? No not really....We need a miracle at this point.

I have an early meeting at school tomorrow to set up special Ed for next year...Those are always hard for me.

Prayers going out to so many people who have lost dreams....

My 5
1. Abi's teachers
2. The love and support we get.
3. Peanut butter and milk.
4.Walks with friends who listen to me blow off steam.
5. E-mails....please leave them

LY Tracie

Wednesday, May 9, 2007 7:11 AM CDT

Day two with very little sleep..good thing I can do just fine on a couple hours.
Abi has been so restless and the storm last night didn't help either.

Still haven't heard anything from Dr. B and that will probably happen today I would imagine.

Thank you for all your E-mails they really fill my heart...

Prayers going out to the Chiari gang(Heather, Anna,Cristina,Kira,Kara,Baily,Matt,Gaby)
Prayers for The Dohls family,Nichole,Baby LL,Mark,Braydon,Those of you in my heart....

Have a great day.......I hope lots of blessings come your way.

LY Tracie

P.S. Working on a new CB site I will let you know when it's ready....

Tuesday, May 8, 2007 7:27 AM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MOM!!!!!!!!!
Don't know what I would do without her...

Well I must say last night was not a night of sleep....Abi could not sleep she kept crying and moaning and saying she felt like she was going to die.
I kept asking what is hurting you and she would just say I don't know I just feel funny.
I finally moved her to the couch and sat up and watched her for most the night.
That is the funny thing about this syrinx and swelling going on right now I'm fearful because I never know what will happen next?????I hate that.
Dr. B called me yesterday and said he is still waiting to hear from Partington...I told him he probably was not calling him back on purpose because he doesn't know what to do now !
He will call whenever he hears something. It's one of those don't want to know but want to know things.

So for today I don't think I will be doing cartwheels probably just drinking alot of coffee.

Have a good day full of Gods love.......

Never Give up !!!!

LY Tracie

Sunday, May 6, 2007 10:04 PM CDT

I feel a change of N-surg is not our answer right now we believe in Dr. Partington and until He is ready to refer us to someone else (Which he might) we are staying with Him.

I felt pretty guilty this weekend because I wanted my life to change I didn't want this anymore...
The constant health issues that never seem to get better..The financial worries...The never ending struggle for a better life for all of us.
It makes me so tired.
Then after crying my eyes out several times and praying so much that I kept God busy all weekend...I came to realize that underneath this thick layer of struggle there is so much love that we all have for each other and all of us have this strength that could move ten moutains if we wanted....
So we may not have the healthiest family (To say the least) or nice cars and money to help us feel secure but we do have US and together I really think we can survive any storm.

The days do seem covered in fog and I am not happy about what we found out
but as another Chiari Mom writes "Failure is not an option"!!!
So we will move forward and Just for today my heart is broken but it is also blessed to be filled with love.

Abi seems to be having a little more dizziness now and more leg and arm pain and of course headaches that's just part of the chiari package..but we are able to keep her comfortable so she can still be the kid she so desperately wants to be.
She lives the song that she wrote because she "Never gives up".

I found to be true this weekend the fact that as we get older we just forget things we used to do....I think it's because we either think we physically can't or we don't feel the need to try.
I must tell you I went out in the backyard because I wanted to see if I could still do a cartwheel..The girls and Paul were watching as my Mom was yelling "You're going to hurt yourself".
I got a running start and did it !! and actually it was better I think now then it was back in my cheerleading days. It actually felt pretty good.
I urge all of you to do one thing that you used to do but now feel you can't....But if this brings you harm I do not take the blame..

My 5
1.Cartwheels
2.Never giving up
3.Friends
4.God giving me just enough
5.Family

Prayers....Chiari group (Cristina,Matt,Gaby,Kara,Baily,Anna,Heather, many more)
The Dols Family,Nichole,Mark,Baby LL,Muriel,Braydon,MCAD kids,Families who have to struggle.......

Good luck on those cartwheels or whatever you find to do.......Love ya

Thursday, May 3, 2007 10:25 PM CDT

I do have a heavy heart right now....all i can think about is Feb 7th and how painful it was to even let that surgery happen. I remember telling myself It has to be done it will help her....
Well here it is May 3rd and we are back where we started but the only differance now is they have gone in the back of her head so many times It's not possible anymore.
I really don't want to even think about the "What Now's" because I can't even imagine.
It's hard to face people right now because what do I say.....I really can't explain what I'm feeling ..But if you see me out I'm going to smile and pretend like things are fine because that's all I can do right now.
I got the X-ray report today I'm getting pretty good at It I can usually have it by the next day.
It was hard to read this one... it mentioned how the syrinx has grown in length and width and there is new cord Edema..Then the best part was she has really No steady flow of spinal fluid which I think is pretty important but of course once again I'm no Doctor.

Once again thank you for all the prayers and love that you constantly give to our family it means everything.

Please pray tonight for People who have to suffer with Chiari/Syrinx complications there are so many out there....

My 5
1.Flowers from my Grandma
2.Calls from friends
3.Abi and her spirit to be a kid no matter what..
4.Matti going to school today without a big crying scene.
5.The Make a wish gang coming to talk with us tomorrow.

LY

Prayers going out

Wednesday, May 2, 2007 9:57 PM CDT

Not real sure what to say tonight...Our news was not great that is for sure.

Not only has the syrinx grown but the swelling (Edema) in her spinal cord that had improved and left us a little hopeful last month is back......................................What does all this mean??
We don't know yet we have a meeting set with Dr. Partington.
I really think everyone there thought this MRI would show continued improvement because they were a little shocked when they saw the films.
I on the other hand was wishing for a miracle but in my heart knew what the films would show.....

They did turn down her shunt which for us has always meant increased headpain for Abi..But I know they had to do it to increase the flow of spinal fluid.

Paul and I are kind of walking around with that look of "What Why and How".
We are doing everything to make the right choices for Abi , so why are they always bringing a negative result.
I have to tell you it is going to be hard to be positive about this ...

Dr. P already said he would never be able to go back into that area because of all the scar tissue..so where does that leave Abi???

I feel like i keep playing that crane game and the claw goes down but I can't ever seem to win the prize !! I really wanted the prize this time.

The good news we got today was Abi's wish is going to be granted..We will talk with the Make a wish people again on Friday.

Thanks for checking in ...Goodnight

Tuesday, May 1, 2007 10:36 PM CDT

As everyone knows already ..I get so nervous and scared the night before an MRI.
If it's okay could you send some prayers our way tomorrow..I want this scan to show that we are moving in the right direction..Please Please I want that so badly.
I know what will be will be..Like I always say It is out of my hands.
I keep thinking about all the "What Ifs" and playing them out in my mind like little movies...Some good some bad....My wish is of course the good.
This is where faith comes in ...That's all we've got.
Thanks for being here......

LY Tracie

Sunday, April 29, 2007 10:15 PM CDT

It seems to be that time again already.....MRI nightmare time.......Monday we go for our pre-op appt. then Wed at 7:30am we get the scan....
I really don't look for trouble or expect it I just feel that something has not worked out the way it was planned..........Like going to a car repair shop and having alot done ,then after about a week the engine is clanking and the brakes aren't working..That is about how I feel about the situation Abi has been left with.
So do I feel a little worried about the up-coming MRI?? Yes I'm very worried because I have that stupid feeling that I usually get that things are not as they should be.....But then I have to remind myself that it is out of my hands.......God can handle it and He probably doesn't need my help.

Another school week with Matti...I must say I feel like If I got through last week I can do anything...I have never heard anyone cry so hard ....I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs " IT's KINDERGARTEN FOR GOODNESS SAKE". She acts like I'm sending her to boot camp.

Kaydee had her second dance class this weekend and she loves going with her little friend Olivia...I try not to laugh when the teacher works with her and she always lets out a big gasp and says"I'm soooooooo Tired".
I think she needs a little mountain dew.

I spoke with an incredible Woman the other day who has been a friend of the family forever.....She just lost her daughter who died suddenly..In all her pain her strength was something I will not soon forget.
She reminded me of the fact that Faith can get us through anything, Really it is all we've got. If you could add the Dols family to your prayer lists My Mom and I would really appreciate it.

I hope all of you have a wonderful day.....Take the time to feel Gods love for you...

Prayers going out to : The Dols family,Anna,Cristina,Gaby,Matt,Heather,Kari,All my chiari friends and families,Mark,Braydon,Nichole,Baby LL & Honey Bees, MCAD kids,All of you that I have in my heart.

My five things I'm Thankful for:
1. Kaydee had a T-shirt on that was way too small, her cute but big tummy was hanging out over her shorts and the shirt read "Move over Cinderella".ha ha
2.Our backyard and the fun we have there.
3.Going to Nativity today.
4.The power of prayer.
5.Getting to see Dr. B tomorrow.

LY .....Tracie

Wednesday, April 25, 2007 6:35 PM CDT

Anyway by Martina McBride

You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
build it anyway

Chorus:

God is great,but sometimes life ain't
good
And when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway

This worlds gone crazy and it's hard to
believe that
tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your
heart,for all the right reasons, and in a
moment they
can choose to walk away
love'em anyway

You can pour your soul out singing a
song you
believe in that tomorrow they'll forget
you ever sang
Sing it anyway

I sing,I dream,I love,anyway

Tuesday, April 24, 2007 10:17 PM CDT

Watching TV at night with all the commercials leaves me feeling hungry for junk food and wondering about facial cream that I put on my eyes to look younger????????????

I will start with the good because that always seems the best ....We are all enjoying the nice weather change and it is great to have the kids and Paul playing baseball in the backyard..soon the blow-up pool will be out and we will be looking for shade.
I guess for all of us the big picture looks pretty good..We are laughing together and we are just enjoying life right now.

The little bumps in the road are..... still the constant struggle with Matti and school...The big blue eyes with the huge tears everyday before she leaves is so hard.I know we will get through it.
Kaydee is complaining alot about her eyes?? Not sure why but she did have an eye operation to remove a cyst back when she was two..I made an appt. with the Doctor that did that so we will see.
Abi is going along like the trooper she is..Taking the hand she is dealt.
It is getting so hard for me to understand why we are suppose to be okay with the fact that when I take her to the grocery store she has to hold on to the cart in order to walk straight because she is so dizzy.....and then you add headaches and neck pain ..I think we have waited long enough what the heck did that "Serious Risk" surgery do??
Now that I'm typing this I think I will call and yell tomorrow..I'll ask them if I'm suppose to be okay with this?

Don't think for a moment that I'm taking this situation back from God..He's the one who told me to call and yell at them.

The good news is This too shall pass(Yea right..The one who wrote that was drinking vodka with the guy who wrote.. God will never give you more then you can handle).

Have a good day remember to laugh a little.......

My 5
1.The thought that people actually read this.
2.Knowing that people reach out to help people in need.
3.Laughing around the dinner table.
4.Paul playing in the yard with the girls.
5.Iced tea

LY

Prayers going out to my Chiari friends,Anna,Cristina,Kara,Gaby,Matt,Heather,MCAD Kids,Mark,Braydon,Nichole,Baby LL,Lots more....

Sunday, April 22, 2007 10:11 PM CDT

Wow what a weekend and I mean that in a Thank God it's over kind of way...

Matti bounced back from the flu and Kaydee and I bounced right into it..Yikes I must say It was not pretty.
I can honestly say That was awful..take my advice wash your hands and stay away from large groups you do not want any of that.
Some way by the grace of God Abi and Paul haven't gotten sick yet I really hope it stays that way.
Abi is doing okay somedays are good some are bad...All we do now is wait for the MRI that will take place on the 2nd.
I almost think that the syrinx is better and then she will be in so much pain that I say it's back and bigger then ever ..So i've decided to stop guessing and let go of it really it is out of my hands........

School is helping to make Matti feel better about going ..I was kind of at the end of my rope so I requested back-up. They are going to do a chart and try and give her the nudge she needs to get there.I really appreciate that so much...

I was told her attendance is poor believe me that was never my goal.. but I really don't think people get what "MCAD" really is?? It can be deadly when a child like Matti is sick, so really who wouldn't be a little more on the cautious side.....She has been sick more this year then she has been in 3 years....I'm having her Doctor from the U send all the info to them to make things a little more clear.

Abi had a kind of small Birthday with just Grandparents and we hope her wish goes through so she can have an "American Idol bash" we are suppose to find out in a week...keep your fingers crossed..
Abi did get her three wheel bike thanks to Amy and her determination and Chuck down at "Behind Bars" go see him tell'em Abi sent you.....Paul will put a picture of Abi with her new ride soon....She loves it..I think for once she feels like a kid her own age...

I went for a stroll tonight with my furry friend Lola and I couldn't help but notice Gods love all around me...The air even had this great clean smell...The little touch of green that is peaking out everywhere I love that..What a miracle..Please take time to notice God put a bunch of time creating all that.....

My 5
1.Gods love
2.Abi's smile when she got her bike
3.The fact that I can eat food again
4.Jello and diet 7up
5.An envelope with someone elses name on it

Take care know your loved....Prayers going out for Peace

LY Tracie

Thursday, April 19, 2007 9:19 AM CDT

Yes sanjaya is gone...I actually teared up a little.....As far as the cake goes I had big plans to eat all of the left over Bday cake BUT by the time I returned to the living room Kaydee and lola had their share so it didn't look as good to me...

The girls are doing okay and Matti will be going back to school today.....

Have a wonderful day and enjoy all the sunshine that God has brought us..........

Prayers going out for Peace in this crazy world of ours.

My 5
1. The way Kaydee says "Don't make me come over there or I'll get to whoop'in on both ya'll". (A part from the movie Madagascar)
2.Sanjaya leaving
3.New bike for Abi and the smile it brought her
4.Friends who are always there
5.Matti not having to go into the hospital

Love ya

Wednesday, April 18, 2007 7:27 AM CDT

Thank you for all Abi's great Birthday wishes ...She loved them.
Abi had a bad start but then a good finish to her Birthday ..Had what I like to call a #10 headache and was not very happy for a while but after some medication and lots of prayers from me she felt better and was able to enjoy her cake and opening presents.

Matti is still a mess ahe was throwing up on monday and still now her stomach just hurts..she can't eat and for her that isn't an option. I thought maybe it would go away and was the flu but now I'm starting to think there might be more going on..I will call the Doc again today.

All week it has been ups and downs too many for my taste..ready for a little rest and off the medical guard duty.
Anyway trying to focus on the blessings not the Yuck....

Take care and enjoy this nice day..know you are loved.

Prayers going out..

P.S. The sweets strike continues unless Sanjaya goes home tonight..three of us on are on it and holding strong..

LY

Tuesday, April 17, 2007 7:38 AM CDT

Happy Birthday Abi..........9 years ago today a strong little girl was brought into this world.........We love you.

Have a great day everyone...Matti is doing better (Thanks)

LY

Monday, April 16, 2007 9:42 AM CDT

Keeping our chins up......Matti woke up this morning throwing up so now we wait to see if we are headed for a hospital stay with her...Prayers welcome.
Abi is about the same..she is worried that we will be in the hospital for her Birthday on Tuesday (hope not)...
Please send prayers our way that Matti bounces back..Thanks
LY

Thursday, April 12, 2007 7:19 AM CDT

Going to try and focus on what's right and good for a while......I spend so much time looking for what's going wrong I think I get stuck in that.
So for today I'm going to stop and smell the roses and enjoy so many of Gods blessings that I'm so lucky to have...(No I haven't been drinking).

Also I'd like to make a public promise....I Tracie Christopherson will not eat another dessert until Sanjaya is off American Idol !!! There you have it ..lets pray he leaves next week..Feel free to join me in this "Sweet Strike".

Don't forget to leave me a note..I look forward to them so much.

LY

My 5
1. The choice to just be happy no matter what is going on around me.
2.My friends who add so much to my life
3.God
4.My family
5.Haley and her short next to nothing clothes leaving Idol last night

P.S. If anyone knows anything about special needs bikes please let me know..(A bike with three wheels) for Abi

Tuesday, April 10, 2007 10:11 PM CDT

Why does it seem some days can go on and on....and on and on...

My morning started with a call to N-surg just wanted to know if we had a MRI date yet and I also wanted to talk to someone from Dr. P's office......Once someone called me back I had already gotten the news that the MRI was scheduled for May 2nd.
I went on to ask the reason for the scan because last time I felt we were given the information about it but no'one called us to tell us what it meant and what the plan is..I mentioned that I did not want the scan if nothing is going to be done about it...what may not seem like a big deal to them is an all day sedation nightmare to us.
Dr. P hopes that by this next scan the syrinx will have gotten smaller He's hopeful...I'm just not seeing it but I will try and have hope too....

Matti had a tough time going to school as one would guess..she also mentioned that she cried in the bathroom at school..when I asked her why she said "It's because I missed you". I just kept telling her that each day will be a little bit easier once you get back in the swing of it....But inside it crushes me thinking of her being so sad.

Kaydee had her first "Tiny Tumblers " class tonight boy did she look cute... as with everything The christopherson family tries to do there is always a BUT....The class had 12 little kids pretty much all 4 year olds and two teenage helpers...To make a long story short Kaydee took two pretty hard falls because she wasn't being watched and I wasn't the only concerned Mom there...So Kaydee has now Graduated from "Tiny Tumblers" I see why they call it that.

And I wonder why I always have dreams about Tornados.....

My 5
1.Kaydee in her pink gymnastic outfit with the black star on the front.
2.The fact that my life may be a wreck but I can still think of 5 positive things (some days are harder then most).
3.Sanjaya and his new facial hair..ha ha ha ha
4.Knowing no matter how big and scary the world may seem at the end of the day we can always come home.......
5.The strength I get from God..

Prayers going out.....LY
Tracie

Monday, April 9, 2007 10:10 PM CDT

I actually had a good day today since I made the decision to wait...I really like to be a leader (as Paul calls it control-freak) but in this situation I think I'll be a co-leader and only step in when God asks me to...I know easier said then done.

Well I am very proud of myself, I've gone one very long day without putting any form of Easter candy into my mouth !!
I'm so serious when I say I've been walking around in a sugar cloud ever since Target put the first box of "Peeps" on the shelf. Peeps are my drug of choice....I wish they had some type of patch it would sure make the withdrawl easier...."Peep Patch" it could come in pastel colors and have the shape of a baby chick..ha ha

Well Abi had a pretty good day today and spent a bunch of the time outside..I like those days when she can be a kid.

Fasten your seatbelts folks tomorrow Matti goes back to Kindergarten !!!Will I be able to get her out the door..we will see...wish me luck.(I know I'm really going to need a peep after that).

Well Abi's 9th birthday is about a week away and I have to say I have'nt even thought about it ..that is so sad to admit but it's true...I think she wants to wait and see if her wish is able to come true and then have a party...
Her wish is to have an entertainment room downstairs..(Big couch,TV,Air Hockey table,Stage with a kareoke machine) We will see they should be getting back to us soon..She wanted a rainbow playset for the yard but I think she knows that she is inside laying around a lot so she would like a nice fun place to do that....She wants to have an American Idol party, without Sanjaya though....

Thanks for checking in and have a good day...LY

My 5
1.Peeps
2.Yellow peeps
3.pink peeps
4.people who make peeps
5.Making a day without peeps

Prayers going out ....Cristina,Gavin,Anna,Mark,Steve,Braydon,Micheal,Chiari kids,MCAD kids,Nichole,Baby LL,Carole,Nick,all of you in my heart....

Sunday, April 8, 2007 10:10 PM CDT

There seems to be so much about Easter that is a new fresh start......I sat and listened to the sermon today and I kept thinking I would like a fresh start...
Not that I would take anything back or change anything or anyone in my life...But I wish at times that I could push a button and I could shut down and then re-start.
I feel like all the trials have changed me and not always for the better.
I just feel like I have a constant thing hanging over me that I don't think I will ever be free of..When I'm busy and talking and laughing things are good but it's in the stillness that I realize I have so much sadness in my heart.

I look at Abi and I see a little girl that has this great smile but also has this incredible burden.
Her face has such a look of struggle now ,like it's hard for her to do so many things but she does them.
I don't even know who to call what I should say that hasn't been said already....I just want so badly to YELL at the top of my lungs.."FIX HER"!!!!!!!Please..Can someone just fix her.......
I do know it is nights like this that I put God on hold and I decide to Drive..knowing very well that sooner or later I will grow tired of it and give back the wheel..
Why is it that I just can't leave it in His hands?? I think it's because maybe I feel He's not going fast enough for me..I think I'm actually glad He doesn't work at my pace......

I will pray for new strength tonight because I'm running a little low.......and I will tell God that He can take His time I will wait.....

My 5
1.The fact that I can leave God for a little while and He never leaves me.
2.The Easter service when they call the children up front.
3.The girls hunting for eggs and the excitement of it all.
4.Knowing soon the smell of hard-boiled eggs will leave the house.
5.Easter Dinner.

LY...prayers going out......

Thursday, April 5, 2007 10:15 PM CDT

I remember watching the movie "Charlotte's Web" as a kid and of course enjoyed it ...I watched the same movie tonight and felt what the movie is really about.

That tiny little spider changed the life of that little pig so much so that the pig went on to change the whole town for the better.

It's funny to think that one person can change so much in the world........

Easter is a time of new beginning and my hope is that we all can make a difference as small as it may be just a difference for the good.
I really believe the world could use more spiders don't you??

Have a wonderful Easter ......LY

Wednesday, April 4, 2007 10:18 PM CDT

I just want to move to the next square !!! I feel like I'm playing the candyland board game and I'm stuck in the chocolate swamp and keep losing a turn.......

Finally I recieved a call from the N-surg nurse practitioner..
I voiced several of my concerns BUT she said basically there is nothing to really be concerned about and Dr. P doesn't want to do anything right now..He wants to do an MRI at some point so she will call with that info.....I kept repeating the fact that she isn't doing any better and how do we know what we did is working ??? Then she told me that these shunts usually do not malfunction......not knowing that I had learned from talking with someone at the ASAP (An organization that deals with Syrinx conditions and Chiari)that this type of surgery has about a 50uccess rate....I don't think I knew that before..Don't know if we could of done anything differant anyway. When comes the time when we move forward?????????
So basically it's hard to bring out the confetti and do a couple cartwheels when your the one watching her go through all this and knowing with each surgery we've told her "This is going to make you feel so much better" what a load of crap !! I'm not only a one eyed princess I guess I lie too..

The best part of my day was knowing I must be in an okay place to have the patience to sit through the "The American Idol kick someone off who can sing better then Sanjaya show"
It is really becoming a way to release stress because it makes me so mad I actually catch myself yelling at the TV (Like when Paul watches the Vikings).

One thing that i have learned in all this struggle is that life will go on and so will we..God will show us and the Doctors when it is time to do something I really can't figure all this out....... Even though I have had training..ha ha..Lots and lots of it.

So the lesson tonight is lean on God for wisdom..He seems to be my light in this very dark tunnel.......And if He has some time left over from all the Christopherson stuff I'm sure He will be your light too.......

Thanks for checking in....Have a good one

Tuesday, April 3, 2007 10:20 PM CDT

What strikes me as funny ( not ha ha funny but funny )Is the fact that there is so much in this life to deal with.
Seriously how do we do it???
Think of all you deal with just in a day.....We are kind of like Superman and Wonderwoman sometimes we feel we have won over the villians and saved the world from a green slime monster and then there are other days we feel like we couldn't even fit in the phone booth to change into our hero clothes...
Most nights and mornings I ask God to just get me through with as little knee scrapes as possible. The good news is He usually does.............

I finally called N-surg just to let them know that "Hey" we think the syrinx is either still a big player in this Roller coaster ride or this is just what we are left with...No Deal I say to all of that !! Anyway they didn't call back.
I have to call her Dr. tomorrow to let him know I'm having to give her valium every night just so she can relax enough to go to sleep..she is the one asking for it .....Not sure that is what we need to be using but I will find out.

Today we went to a fancy tea party at my Great Aunts house. The fun part was dressing up in hats and gloves and eating fancy sandwiches. The hard part was trying to pretend that my girls had the perfect table manners..Matti didn't burp and Kaydee didn't try to put her feet on the table so we came out of it looking pretty good.

I have been a little sressed out just about stuff lately and tonight I really saw that on paper...Kaydee our home artist drew a picture of three princesses and one princess was colored in red and had a funny mouth and only one BIG eye..As she sat on my lap explaining who they all were I ended up being the one eyed red princess !! I even asked several times if she was sure that was me ?? And everytime her answer was "Oh yes it's you Mommy". I guess it is time to change my stress level a little..ha ha

Well that's all I got ....Thank you for the E-mails (Love them)

My 5
1.Kaydee and her great pictures
2.Tea parties
3.Matti wearing her pink T-ball socks with her dress to the tea party
4.Abi and her giggles
5.The many people that we have been blessed to get to know through all this

Prayers going out to The Chiari group,MCAD kids,Braydon, Mark,Carole,Steve and his continued healing,Nichole,Baby LL,Mary,and all of you in my heart.....LY

Have a great day .....Don't feel like you have to do it all alone....Gods there and willing to give you a hand.

Monday, April 2, 2007 9:26 PM CDT

Hello...Hello..

We have some positive stuff going on right now so I will start with that.
Abi was notified last week that she is going to be granted a wish...from the "Make a wish foundation". She was pretty excited when we gave her the news but it also came at a time when she was getting off one of her medications so her anxiety level was and still is pretty crazy...When you think about someone saying to a kid what can I get you???? Wow It's pretty wild.
For paul and I we have mixed feelings happy and sad..Happy because she so deserves this after all she has been through / Sad because she is sick enough to qualify for a make a wish.
I will keep you informed about the whole process.

We are kind of in a "Where do we go from here"?? kind of place..Not really sure what needs to be done or who needs to be called..
Abi has been having the same old syrinx syptoms with little relief, bad arm pain and neck with dizziness and headaches???
So what now???? I think I just keep waiting thinking that today will be the day that the surgery we went through will pay off and we will be on easy street.
False hopes?? Probably ...
I think Abi is adjusting because she thinks this is how it is going to be...How sad is that. I give her pain meds and she is good to go...The life of a Chiari kid.

That is really all there is for tonight....Sorry if I spelled anything wrong too tired to use the dictionary tonight(Yes I do try and use it since I can't do spell check)...LY lots

Please send me some e-mails and let me know your still there.....

My 5
1.Carpet in the living room
2.Vans in the driveway
3.Dilly bars(Butterscotch)
4.No return of strep (Yet)
5.Make a wish foundation that helps bring smiles to so many sick kids......

Prayers going out...Have a great day

Thursday, March 29, 2007 8:34 AM CDT

Have a great day.......

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 5:50 PM CDT

I became known as a bad Mom in the eyes of my child tonight because I will not let her go on a bus all the way to the MN Zoo....
Why is it okay to let our children ride without a seatbelt because it is called a "School Bus" how does that make it okay????
Isn't there some kind of seatbelt Law in place....Yes,there is If I were to drive my child to Target without a seatbelt I would be considered a "bad Mom" so why on earth would I let my 6 year old ride a bus without one.....This is so not okay !!! Opinions welcome. LY

I think we are all in Bus denial..I'm not angry just confused..

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 9:44 AM CDT

I think I will be taking a break ...Be back on Sunday night..please join me!!! Just kind of tired of thinking about all of this for now....I'm going to be in denial until Sunday.

Have a great rest of the week..........LY Tracie

Monday, March 26, 2007 10:25 PM CDT

Today went fine ( I love that word Fine) anyway we met with Dr. Wical and she was concerned about several things...
Why is the syrinx unchanged and does that mean it went away but now is back or what??? I guess I never thought about it that way.
My big concern with the syrinx is like it has always been ..when is the point that Abi starts having permanent damage from this?? Because we know it's causing symptoms... When checking Abi today she did notice some muscle loss in her hands..What next legs..arms who knows,,,
When she asked about how she feels daily, I told her the same as she always has we have just gotten used to it and she of course has learned how to have a life and deal with the constant crap she always has to deal with....That's what gets me is the fact that she has to be that strong...It just seems wrong.
So Dr. Wical said she needs to sit down with Dr. Partington and get some answers and then we will talk and maybe if there is no more he can do we will go for a second opinion..Thats scary to me....So we wait !!! Love that as you well know.

Just going to keep doing what we are doing one foot in front of the other and smell some roses along the way...

Paul is doing a little better I think seems to have a little break in his cough pattern..I must say he has been a bear...and not the cute fuzzy kind....ha ha

Matti cried again before school but Paul's Mom has been so great about getting her to go anyway..I'm so thankful for that.
Kaydee is just being little KK she fell down and got the first knee scrape of spring..time to get out the spray and band-aids I guess.

Wish I could update you on me but I don't even know how things are with me right now.....

My 5
1.Beef sticks at Ready meats
2.Dr. Wical
3.Rain storms ...I want one
4.The feeling I get when I walk in the girls room and touch each one of their sweet little heads while they are sleeping.
5.Paul feeling better

Love ya all...Tracie

Prayers going out...

Monday, March 26, 2007 7:49 AM CDT

Happy Monday everyone......

Today it is off to Abi's Neurologist (Dr. Wical) who we love.

Paul is still pretty sick has been all weekend so he will be home today...

That's all I got ...Take care and have a blessings filled day!

LY Tracie

Thursday, March 22, 2007 10:08 PM CDT

I believe the longer you play any game you reach a point when you either question if you've done all you can to be the best player possible for your team or are you playing a little below what you know you can do because your tired.

I want to believe that i am still giving 100�o helping Abi but at the same time have I gotten too comfortable?
Maybe that's faith and trusting God ?? I pray for His wisdom so much when things seem really overwhelming for me. I ask Him to show me the direction I need to go in because sometimes all I can carry in my head is fear.
Then I think what if I miss the signs do you think He sends signs?? Then if you are slow to figure out what he wants you to do does he move on and say forget it?? Because somedays you feel a little slower then others and things don't seem as clear......HMMMMMMMMMMMMM

I remember getting the news that Matti had MCAD, the worst part about finding out was the fact that she would never be cured.
Things in life seem to always be so fixable but this was something Paul and I could not fix for her...Then with Abi we figured she was Fixable but as time has gone on and on more and more we find she seems to not be fixable either.

So now the big question is when do we start putting our life back together ..I think we always thought we would wait until things are good....I already feel like we have missed so much time I really do. Kaydee is 4 and has never had a dance class or anything like that and Matti has had two little classes in her life and she is 6. Sounds like I'm going into Mommy guilt mode so I will stop.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a swing, I'm trying so hard to get somewhere I keep pumping my legs back and forth as hard as I can but the end result is...I end up right where I was before maybe I'm a little higher up but really just in the same place.

Boy !! did I go on and on ...sorry just alot to think about and of course this is where I dump all that stuff.

Have a good weekend ..maybe stay off the swing and try the slide. Love ya Tracie

My 5
1.Scrabble
2.The song " I'm everything I am because you loved me". It reminds me of Gods grace.
3.Matti going on her first field trip without crying or throwing up on the bus.....YEA !!!
4.The couch...Because Paul is sick and that's where I will be sleeping ZZZZZZZZZZZZ He doesn't have strep though...
5.The fact that I have people in my life that won't leave me alone even if I ask. Thanks

Prayers going out .....Mark,Steve,Cristina,Anna,Braydon,MCAD kids,Chiari/syrinx group,Moms club,Baby LL,Nichole, And all of you who can't seem to get of the swing either....

Wednesday, March 21, 2007 10:09 PM CDT

Tonight I just find myself looking for understanding. If I really think about it I just don't feel connected like I need God to plug me in because I'm out of juice.
My mom reminded me tonight on the phone that I need to take things in one small part at a time I can't try and figure out everything in one moment or day. That would be like taking a 100 piece puzzle and throwing it up in the air and knowing it will all fall in place....it takes one piece at a time...So I decided to put this "Just for Today" back in my journal...LY

Just for today, I will live
through this day only. I will not
brood about yesterday or obsess
about tomorrow. I will not set
far-reaching goals or try to
overcome all of my problems at
once. I know I can do something
for 24 hours that would overwhelm
me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for Today...........

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 10:12 PM CDT

Tomorrow was the day Paul was brought into this world....March 21st...I'm so very glad he was ,not sure I could go through all that this world gives you without him. He is a wonderful Husband and an incredible Father..He may complain about all the women he has at home But all these girls that he takes care of think the world of him......Your our Prince charming.
Happy 45th Birthday !!! We love you

Dr. B called today and was very surprised to say that Abi is positive for strep !! He has never seen anything like this someone not responding to one but two strong doses of antibiotics....This is so rare, he said but then again it's Abi.
What to do now?? He wasn't sure but then after researching found out there is a differant medicine we can try..AHHHHHH
And in the meantime we wait on the blood tests to come back that should be tomorrow or the next day.God give me strength..

I had to cancel our appt. with Dr Partington because how do we know what symptoms are from strep and which are from the syrinx....

It was just a really tough day all around ..Matti started crying and couldn't stop it was the school issue again..she finally pulled it together and went but that of course left me in tears..Kindergarten is going to be the death of me...
She was great when she got there so hopefully we won't have to go through that again tomorrow.

Just when I thought my day was complete Sanjaya makes a little girl cry while he's singing because she is such a big fan...Come on !!! Where is that little girls Mother she is in need of some serious guidance.

I really think it is time to finally call it a day..I will pray tonight for a little less drama tomorrow..Pauls Birthday party had to be canceled we had to put back up the health Dept. ribbon around the house....Oh well the fried chicken will have to wait.

Take care everyone and keep putting one foot in front of the other....

LY
My 5
1.Paul being born
2.Ditto
3.Ditto
4.Ditto
5.Ditto

Please leave me some E-mails...Thanks

Prayers going out...

Glad your Home Steve!!!!!

Monday, March 19, 2007 10:13 PM CDT

Sometimes I really feel I have a grip on things and then sometimes I feel like I'm walking around with a sign that reads "I have no clue".

I was able to get Abi in to see Dr. B today and he agreed she looked pretty sick..He took another throat culture and then sent us down for bloodwork so I guess we will hear something tomorrow.
I'm just curious why is it when she is on an antibiotic she is good the minute we stop that she is back to terrible????
Once again "I have no clue". I called N-surg to talk with them and once again I didn't get a call back..maybe tomorrow.

I like puppies !!!

Anyway , Matti kind of had a rough day... it was bad enough to go through the whole emotional moment of the Kindergarten concert BUT she had to watch it being played back today in music class. I guess she cried all through that too...she was pretty tired by the time she got home.

Pauls Birthday is Wed. I was planning to have my mom and his parents over BUT we have to wait and see what Abi has first ..then we can decide to put back up the "Do Not Cross" Tape around the outside of the house or not.
I seriously think people laugh about us I know when I see people I kind of catch them laughing under their breath..Almost like I can't believe how un-lucky you guys are....Yea real funny it's almost as funny as falling in a port-a-potty hole face down...

On a lighter note here are my five...
1.No more showings of the kindergarten concert.
2.The fact that I too laugh at myself and our situation (not always).
3.Abi and how great she is at the doctor no matter what test they have to do she never complains.
4.Fried chicken and how happy it makes Paul..He just glows when he sees it. Ha Ha
5.Mr.W

Love going out to you all Hopefully no germs though....LY Tracie

Sunday, March 18, 2007 9:16 PM CDT

Hello.....
Paul and I were able to go have dinner Sat. night and I must say we had a blast !! I could really get used to eating out like that.........

Abi, I hate to say isn't doing too great she is having the bad throat pain again and it hurts her to swallow..she lays around with a washcloth in her mouth that poor thing. I'm so confused why after her course of medicine it always seems to come right back???
Having alot of muscle pain and headaches too not having too much fun right now I kept her on pain stuff all day to give her some relief.
My thought is since during surgery they were back in that area could it have something to do with all this throat pain???
As always Monday will be filled with calls to Doctors to find out what the heck is going on...I've also decided it's time to call N-surg because why at times does she seem to just get so much worse then other times....Oh well send some prayers that I'm able to get all my answers.......

The other two are doing pretty well other then Matti stepping on a pencil this weekend and having it go into her foot and Kaydee choking on cornbread and throwing up things are normal with them..Matti finished her strep meds today and Kaydee takes hers for another 5 days.

The old Van started smoking this weekend I just know one of these days we will have to put her to sleep.. but We pulled into Rogers (St Anthony) and He said he would try a radiator glue to see if that would do the trick if not looks like surgery....keep your fingers crossed.

Got good news tonight our friend Steve will be getting out of the "Big House" soon they decided to let him out for good behavior..way to go !!

Well that's about it.... Have a good Monday and I wish you all lots of blessings..keep your hands open God will bring them to you.....Take care LY

My 5
1.Dinner out
2.My family
3.Crab cakes
4.Watching Kaydee make vanilla pudding (she was so serious)
5.Roger and his glue

Prayers going out...........

Wednesday, March 14, 2007 9:55 PM CDT

Things are going a couple ups and downs but they seem to be rolling along.......

Kindergarten concert wasn't the best experience for us kind of rough ,Matti cried so hard during the whole performance but she did stay up there we were proud of her for that..It was all I could do not to run up there and grab her. I just felt awful we all did...

Abi is having a little more shoulder pain but seems to be able to handle it okay..I was suppose to call N-surg today and talk things over with them but I just couldn't I didn't want to...
I did however call Abi's Doc who handles her Zoloft because she is having some odd behavior and I think it is coming from that medicine...Hopefully they will call tomorrow.
Abi has been working hard with her home teacher they are really getting alot done I am so happy about that.

We are going out for Paul's Birthday on Sat. I'm pretty excited to have a nice dinner I so hope it works out.....It will be nice to get out for a little while and wear something other then a t-shirt and sweat pants...

We are all into the American Idol thing at our house but I have to say this year it seems people are putting in the wrong phone numbers when casting their votes because Sanjaya is still in (Elizabeth) Anyway I guess it can be a lesson for all of us if you want something bad enough you can get it even if you have no talent but good hair...

LY all..........Have a good day tomorrow

My 5
1. 3.59 and a diet coke
2.American idol
3.Plans to go out to eat (again)
4. Matti and her little spirit
5. My ability to go out in public as a family knowing we will always win the pitty vote..ha ha

My 5 bad things of the day
1. Sanjaya
2.Sanjaya
3.Sanjaya
4.Sanjaya
5. Knowing someone who is voting for Sanjaya (Elizabeth)

Monday, March 12, 2007 10:12 PM CDT

I feel pretty good knowing that I got thru a Monday and still had a positive outlook....
Abi is doing pretty well just her usual stuff and alot of anxiety ,I must call on that tomorrow she keeps thinking she is going to die..She is really worked up about it. Nothing I say seems to help i'm thinking we need a medication change.

Her teacher has been coming everyday and I really couldn't be happier with that situation she is just so great with Abi...

Tomorrow I go and try to get Kaydee into pre-school...How can my little KK already be going to school next Fall...

Matti went to school today had some tears before she left but got there and did okay..It's so hard for her to leave the house she's so like me we feel best at home.

Well lots of prayers going out and hugs.....

My 5
1.My girls and all their differant personalities.
2.Being able to walk outside and not freeze.
3.Pauls Birthday coming up.
4.Going with Kaydee to look at her pre-school.
5.People in my life who are always there to lend a hand.

LY Tracie

Sunday, March 11, 2007 10:05 PM CDT

As with every good cowgirl now and then you fall off your horse.
It does seem that each time you hit the ground it hurts a little more then the time before....BUT none the less you get up dust off your leather pants and pick up your hat and once again continue to ride.
There is always that thought in your mind about your last fall and how there could be another but still you must put a smile on your face and try to grab the goodness of the moment you are in instead of where you have been before.....

I have had an eye opening weekend ,I was as down as I have ever been before wondering the whole time if I the optimistic girl who sees the bright side in anything would be able to dig out of this hole that I have been dealt.
I then figured out that there is so much that is right in my life ...I just need to change my focus and everything else will be what it will be....I can't fix Abi I can't even pretend to know what will happen but what I can do today and right this moment is love her and focus on that.
I'm always so busy in the things that aren't the way they should be I lose sight of what is right and in front of my face...
I once again have hope in my heart and I'm no longer waiting for a better day but instead I'm making my day better.........

Thank you God for helping me to see when my eyes were shut and thank you for putting the wonderful people in my life that constanly throw me a life raft when I feel like I'm drowning.........

someone who e-mailed me put down their five things for the day and that really made me realize I haven't even taken the time to be grateful...

My five
1.My family who makes me complete
2.Friends who get me
3.walking outside
4.Iced tea
5.God who continues to lift me up when I fall off my horse

Love you all....

Prayers of healing for Steve, Prayers of Strength for the Moms club,Prayers for Mark ,Anna,Cristina,Gaby,Braydon,Nichole, Baby LL,All of you that are in my heart.....

Tracie

Thursday, March 8, 2007 9:48 PM CST

I guess Paul and I are now in a phase of "What the heck do we do now"?
This is so not funny anymore..I can't even pretend to be happy about things right now...
I appreciate all the kind words and love we get from all of you but after a while you have to ask yourself WHY?? I believe in the fact that sometimes we have to lean on God for understanding but for today I just don't get it...through Gods eyes or mine.
So many times I have heard about this strength I'm suppose to have but I'm not really feeling it..maybe it's gone????

I haven't really heard anything yet from Dr. P about what his thoughts are...my thoughts are how can you poke a hole in a water baloon and have it not drain??? that's pretty much what they did I thought, why would the syrinx be exactly the same size a month later????
So the problem we are left with is...Abi is still dealing with the syrinx since it has not changed so her symtoms are worse pains worse, vision is worse and dizziness is worse..how long will it be before it does permanent damage??

The good news is Abi is better then the last couple of days.... it seems she still has strep even after treating it so now we are on more meds to try and get rid of it.. She was so out of it Paul and I were pretty scared.
I went and had another strep test today and so far it's a negative one..I am taking Matti and kaydee tomorrow to get a re-test because Matti is sick all over again too.

I guess I haven't journaled because I didn't have anything positive to say so I decided to keep it to myself but now is the time to drag all of you in it too....please stay with us I just have to believe it gets better then this..........
I was telling Amy the other day how I wish so much for one week just one not two ...Of normal life stuff..Paul and i even so much as made plans to go out to dinner as a couple and once again our life jumped in and said not so fast..this isn't stuff you get to do..nice try though.

I'm just holding out for a better day.........

Prayers going out to Steve (Hang in there), Mark,Braydon,Gaby,Cristina,Heather,Baby LL,Nichole,Chiari gang,MCAD kids,PJ & Mary's Mom,Mrs. C's family,Parents with heavy hearts...............

LY Tracie

Tuesday, March 6, 2007 9:35 PM CST

Didn't find out alot today because we didn't see Partington just his nurse.
The MRI looked the same the syrinx is just as big as it was before surgery but the cord swelling has gone down.

Abi is just a mess right now I just got off the phone with the on call Doctor..She is running a high temp and she hasn't been able to eat all day and she is very tired. I guess we will see how this all plays out. Thank you for your prayers..LY

Monday, March 5, 2007 10:13 PM CST

We will be going in for an MRI tomorrow at 10:30 and then it will be over to Gillette to see Dr. Partington... as usual prayers are welcomed.
When they talked about moving up the date I didn't think it would be this soon.

I've realized I have very little control over this situation I have tried my best to make everything workout but for some reason beyond my control it doesn't seem to matter...
So I admit to all of you tonight I am NOT IN CONTROL OF THIS ANYMORE....I just hope and pray tomorrow that God has the steering wheel..

My biggest fear is that Dr. P will say there is nothing more I can do....I just don't think I could handle that.

I'm really trying to keep my "eye on the prize" but it seems with each new day I settle for less and less of a prize.....Like being at a carnival and playing a game you want the big stuffed teddy bear but after a while you settle for the little bear that fits on a pencil.

I have to admit I really wanted the Big Teddy bear and I always believed we would get that...Goodnight

LY

Sunday, March 4, 2007 10:21 PM CST

I read in the paper about "Living to 100.com" and going on the site I did the longevity calculator ,the good news is I will live to be 96, the bad news is I will live to be 96.
Don't get me wrong I love life I just think it's tough and I'm not real sure at this point if it gets easier.
The results I got back said I could add years to my life if I reduce my stress !! Well okay I'm now going to put all my troubles in a magic hat and with a wave of the wand*****PRESTO
all my stress is gone.................Only how I wish it was that easy.
I do give them to God I guess that is like a magic hat because He does take them...The problem with that is I always reach in there and pull them back out.......

I really don't know what to tell you tonight I'm not real sure where things are going at this point..I just feel like I've fallen and I can't seem to get off the floor....Things just keep coming...It seems like I'm wearing fuzzy socks on a tile floor I just can't get my footing right to keep things balanced.
Abi had a screaming headache today and by the Grace of the big guy we haven't seen too many of those lately..so why now?? I have no idea ,all I know is she is getting worse instead of better...I keep thinking is her shunt going bad and if thats the case we have so many of them which one is it?
I just have to handle all this by situation at a time..handle things as they happen I don't want to add more to the pile by thinking about it too much.
I just pray we haven't bought ourselves more trouble by going ahead with that surgery but I do feel right now at this time (not saying things can't get better) that is the case.
Not being negative just being real...

Matti is sick again and complaining about a sore throat her tonsils look huge...I think I need to take her in tomorrow..

Kaydee needs to go in and pee in a cup because the Dr. called and thinks there is some type of infection there....

.....I called my doctor to see if I could go up on my medicine..I'm just not "happy enough" the reply I got was a no because I'm already at the max dose...
I don't think a med out there could make all this go away..But now I've bought myself a Doctors appt. in a month to discuss my need for more meds..Great just what I wanted...While I'm in there I will pretend to have differant personalities and catch butterflies with a pretend net that will get me locked up and I could enjoy some much needed rest..ha ha

Prayers going out to Steve he once again will be going into surgery (Monday) please pray for him and his Doctors..
Prayers also for Mark,Braydon,Gaby,Anna,Gavin,Chiari kids,Baby LL,Nichole,Mrs. C and her family,Those who are in my heart........

LY... have a Monday full of Gods love

" I will let them walk by brooks of water,
in a straight path in which they
shall not stumble."
-Jeremiah 31:9

Thursday, March 1, 2007 9:29 PM CST

Wow!!! I must say I have never seen snow like this....I'm enjoying it a little but the fact that Paul has to go to work in it and the fact that Abi hasn't been feeling that great makes me a little nervous.
Talked with N-surg today about getting more pain meds for the weekend , they asked me if I thought she is doing worse then she was?? I said yes, no doubt about it.They are going to try and do the MRI sooner I thought the 22nd was soon enough some things you just don't want to know...
I wish I could live in a state of denial but of course reality has a way of breaking that up.
Kaydee and Abi still have a throat thing going on a little and once again I'm feeling a little on the strep side..Once I can dig my way out I will probably get a re-test and maybe check on if the girls need one too.They have all finished their meds but it doesn't look like it did the trick. Who knows......

I LIKE PUPPIES !!!

Well being a woman here in Minnesota I knew what my special part is in a big snow storm......It's to make a hotdish !!! so that is what I did...Now I love to cook and I'm actually pretty good at it..Hotdishes and jello salads not so much.
I did what every good hotdish making woman does and looked through all of my canned foods looking for those perfect "Hotdish ingredients"
and then realized the best I could do was corn and 3 cans of tomatos. I then threw in ground hamburger and a little ketchup, noodles and I'm set for the perfect Minneasota dish..After 50 dirty pans and a mess that looked like a busy soup kitchen I must tell you Paul didn't care for it....I seriously felt like I failed the whole state of Minnesota ..somehow I will pick myself up off my tomato stained floor and go on but it isn't going to be easy..........ha ha

Have a weekend....LY Tracie

Please keep our friend Steve in your prayers,as many of us know in health situations sometimes life deals you the wrong hand.
Prayers going out to Mark,Braydon,Anna,Cristina,Chiari gang,MCAD kids,Baby LL,Nichole,Gaby, Strep throat groupies,Anyone in the hospital ,Homeless people,All of you that I carry in my heart.........BE Well

Tuesday, February 27, 2007 9:26 PM CST

Have you ever felt like you have the wrong shoes on????
That's how I feel ..I'm not sad I'm not anything really I just have the wrong shoes on.

I really need one day without issues..too much to ask ?? Maybe but I really really want it.

Abi is feeling all kinds of stuff and we are worse then before the surgery..If I didn't know better I would think the syrinx is still growing..

Matti is pushing buttons I didn't even know I had and to top that off she is on penicillin and is getting sick all over again..Who does that??

Kaydee has everything from eye issues to a Barbie who lost a shoe....

Lola and i went for our evening walk and I ended up carrying her back home because she was having trouble with her foot??It's better now.

Minty Bubba and the birds are holding their own Thank the Lord for that.........

I was watching American Idol and Simon said something that sums it all up for me and from now on when I feel like I can't take another minute of craziness I'm going to say it...

"I LIKE PUPPIES"

LY Tracie

Sunday, February 25, 2007 9:42 PM CST

Sometimes I do forget that we have issues like we do.......Today we were all in the backyard playing and enjoying the snow, yes we were what you might call an everyday family doing things that families do....It's almost like when we bundled up to go out we left all the worries and troubles and went outside and just took it all in.
It was nice...Paul played "rescue hero" for a couple of our neighbors who thought they needed to go some where but quickly changed their mind.
While Taking Lola on our walk tonight we would come to a part of sidewalk that hadn't been shoveled she would stop and look up at me as if to say ,"Hello Little dog down here could you pick me up". I guess we all feel like that now and then.

I spoke to N-surg on Friday to tell them my concerns about Abi. We know about several things going on with her and half of them she probably isn't telling us.
There is really nothing that is going to be done until we see the MRI which is scheduled for March 22nd.
I asked them if the syrinx getting smaller is the cause of most of this?? It has to be getting smaller how do you poke a hole into something and have it get bigger??? Then she reminded me it's Abi we are talking about her body usually does not follow the usual guidelines. So true so true......

I think we might be done with strep, I did feel kind of sick on Friday but decided to drink wine and see if that would take care of it and sure enough my strep throat is healed.
PLEASE DON"T TRY THIS AT HOME SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION........

Abi's new home teacher starts Monday I am really pleased with how quickly the school took action to set this up...we are hoping to get in 10 to 11 hours a week..Abi isn't too thrilled but the teacher is willing to work with her when she isn't feeling so hot.

Have a nice Monday everybody and If your feeling little and need someone to lift you up ..Gods there....Use Him...

LY Tracie

Prayers:::: Steve,Mark,Braydon,Marianne,Anna,Cristina,Heather,Mrs. C and Family,Nicole,Baby LL, Chiari gang, MCAD Kids,Muriel L,The rest of you that are in my heart and thoughts...

Thursday, February 22, 2007 9:43 PM CST

Okay well I'm done going to the clinic for this week (I know there is only Friday left)..It's so funny going there because everyone and their dog right now is there to get flu shots..I wanted to ask them if they missed the bus back when they came out or maybe they were waiting for them to come out in a MC Donalds happy meal..who knows but I want them out of my clinic...can't they set up a flu shot booth outside????? Sorry

Kaydee got the okay but her throat is still really red and her glands are huge so we wait 3 more days to see if the shot was able to take care of her strep. I kind of took what the Nurse had to say lightly because I knew I could talk with Dr. B tomorrow if I wanted. The nurse seemed pretty busy with all the FLU SHOTS she had to give out.....can you tell I was annoyed by the flu shot people??

I really planned to keep this positive tonight being the weekend was coming I wanted to leave you with happy thoughts about me and my life...well flush the toilet because that thought is gone....
seriously things are okay and we are getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other and we are thankful for having everyone home and kinda healthy..and thankful for the love we constantly get from all of you........God is good and he has blessed us in so many differant ways...and no matter how much I boohoo and complain I know that I am one of the luckiest people on this earth to have the family I have and the people who are in our circle...I really do believe that we have no idea of the great things God has in store for us..I think we just get side tracked dealing with the everyday crap...Like we alwys say "Keep your eye on the prize"....

Have a weekend full of Grace...LY ..I will be here Sunday night ..Tracie

Wednesday, February 21, 2007 10:08 PM CST

I haven't really known what to say these last couple days..Things are going okay ..Paul and I so far have tested Negative for strep so thats good.
Abi is having alot of issues but I'm still holding out to see what it turns into..lots of weakness in her arms and problems with her hands too. Some pretty bad headaches today but she was able to go outside a little. It just seems like there is so much to weed through and to be honest I don't have the energy ...
Matti still isn't 100% but are we ever...she will be going to school tomorrow. I really hope she starts getting over whatever this is she has had for so long. I might touch base with her metabolic Doc and see if I should be more concerned.

Kaydee has been complaining alot about pain when she goes potty and until tonight I was thinking it would be okay BUT now she is having some blood so you guessed it we will be once again going to Childrens for yet another doctors appt.

I am seriously going to ask him what I am doing wrong there has to be something that is constantly keeping the kids at the Doctor....I try and look back to a time when we didn't have medical stuff and I really can't think of it..I know i can't make Abi well but the other two you would think I could at least do that...oh well enough poor me for one night.......

I know I should look on the bright side and count my many blessings.....I do that every night when I go to sleep BUT it's okay too if I feel I'm getting the short end of the stick,The empty can of "enjoy your day" and the pies in the face that keep coming at the carnival. Face it things stink right now and the hope of them getting better looks pretty stinky too.....
I guess I wasn't done with the poor me.....

I do have prayers going out to the Chiari gang,MCAD kids,Moms in general,Moms club,Steve,Baby LL,Mrs. C and her family,Mark,Anna,Crisina,Heather,Braydon,Nichole,all the rest of you who are in my heart....

LY Here's wishing days without pies for all of you !!!!

God is great it's just the other guy I'm not to happy with...

Monday, February 19, 2007 10:04 PM CST

I've been kind of in a overwhelmed place sice we have been home. Seems so much is being thrown at me I have not been able to even breathe.
Abi has been really doing not so hot ..Started out slow but the end result is her laying on the couch and saying everything hurts and she's waking up at night with head or L shoulder pain.
The good news is I took her and Matti to the clinic today for just a strep test.
The nurse who was going to give it saw how bad Abi looked and thought she should not let us leave without Dr. B looking at her. She was so sick she could hardly stand there and had to lay down..I have to say I was really worried about her today I kept asking her if she was okay and she would say NO!!
Both the girls had a positive strep test so that makes me feel a little better (AS far as Abi) but I don't believe thats all there is to this...I just feel like something is going wrong but I will give the med. a chance to work and then see what we are left with. I just have this feeling..

Kaydee is doing pretty good but seems to be having a complication from the shot she got on Friday.
I told Paul today that I just wish sometimes I could be a Mom and not a full time nurse....It's almost like I'm waiting for the clouds to part and let the sun shine down...

I'm just kind of in that mood where If I could close the shades and hide in my house I would..

I just pray so hard that this surgery won't cause us so much more pain..please God..Let it be okay ...make everything okay we need that sun to shine.

Prayers going out to Steve,Mark,Braydon,Anna,Cristina,Chiari family,Moms group,MCAD kids,Moms and Dads of sick kids who deal with it all every single day....

LY Tracie

Friday, February 16, 2007 7:56 AM CST

Yesterday was alittle crazy to say the least..Kaydee's throat ended up pretty much closing it was so swollen she couldn't get food down..so I ran her to the ER at Childrens carried her in with a 102 fever and saw that it would be 3-4 hour wait...so we left and then I was riding around wondering what to do Mom stayed at home with the other two..ended up going to silverlake clinic who by the Grace of God got her in..ended up she has a really bad case of strep. He decided to give her a shot because of her throat being so swollen he wanted relief fast..and so did I.
I know things like this aren't planned but why the day we are home from the hospital does this kind of stuff happen???I'm beginning to think I welcome trouble......I'm trying not to get in a poor me mode but I am a little worn out...But still grateful at the same time.

Abi is still having left side arm pain pretty bad it's waking her up at night..not sure what that is about and I got her some zofran for feeling sick that should help.
We should find out today the results from the heart testing I pray that comes back normal...

Prayers going out to our friend Steve who is getting ready for surgery Monday keep him in your prayers.....
Prayers also for Chiari friends,Mark,Braydon,Anna,Cristina,Nichole,Baby LL,All the people who are in our hearts....

LY all have a good weekend...We will keep standing and talk to you on Monday....

Thursday, February 15, 2007 8:07 AM CST

I am so glad to be home...even though our hospital stay was a good one the nurses were great!
It's funny how things haven't changed too much here..Kaydee has a high temp and is pretty sick, Matti is getting a bad cough and Abi is sick to her stomach and is having headaches and shoulder pain...BUT I don't care by Gods Grace we are here and I can handle it...
I was so scared going into this surgery that I would never see Abi the same again..so I am so grateful to God that she is here and walking and talking I just couldn't be happier.
Plus It is so wonderful to know that no matter how many times we have our ups and downs you guys hang on and keep lifting us up in so many ways..Thank you......

I will talk to you later...Love to you all

Wednesday, February 14, 2007 8:00 AM CST

Happy Valentines Day !!!!!!!!

Looks like we probably will be going home today......YEA
Abi is not 100% still having alot of what we came in with and added dizziness BUT hopefully some of that will balance out.

We turn in the heart monitor she wore for 24 hours today but I really don't think it will be anything..Once her steroids weaned a little it got better..I just think sometimes those steroids just eat her up....

So hopefully its goodbye Gillette and hello Home...The girls and Paul came up yesterday and it was hard to let them leave so I can't wait to be home with them again...

Thank you for all the E-mails,visits,phonecalls..You guys are the greatest you really are....LY Tracie

Monday, February 12, 2007 3:22 PM CST

Just got word that we will be staying a little longer...Not the news I wanted to hear but it's the news we got.
Abi had an EKG today, and will have a monitor put on tomorrow morning she will keep it on for a 24 hour period. So now we are looking at getting out Wed. if all goes well.

I know it is just two more days but it really feels like it will be forever. Its just our luck to go in for brain surgery and to come out with a heart problem....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The good news is Mom is going to try and bring up the girls tomorrow the hard part will be letting them go home without me......Matti lost her first front tooth and I missed it today, I can't wait to see her I bet she looks so cute.

I'm trying to keep my chin up even though I'm kinda sulking right now (I'll give myself 10 minutes).

Bye for now don't worry about me I'll be fine...ha ha

LY Tracie/Abi reporting from the big house..

Monday, February 12, 2007 8:10 AM CST

I always have a hard time with Mondays when I'm in the hospital (I'm sure those of you that have been with us for a while know that)not sure what it is maybe the fact that a new week is starting and we are still here..who knows

I miss seeing my little girls at home I haven't seen them or Paul in a while and I really miss their faces...

Last night was pretty active as far as alarm wise..40's but no'one seems to be too concerned so whatever....
Today we have OT at 9:30 and then I'm unsure about the rest of the fun.........for the day......My plan was to go home today..that may still happen you never know in the Big house.
I'm going to let the heartrate thing go If Dr. P isn't concerned maybe I shouldn't be..I guess I could always bring home a monitor.........I'm going to try and not get frustrated and just turn it over, what will be will be.

Thanks for checking have a good Monday...LY Tracie

Sunday, February 11, 2007 8:40 PM CST

Not too much more to say tonight ...Abi's blood pressure has dropped a little more but her heart rate has been a little better as the day went on.
Dr. P said he won't do anything now ..we are going to wait..I think He feels that if it's a problem it will get worse if its just her body adjusting to someone poking a hole in her spinal cord it should correct itself soon. So we wait.....He did say if she kept having really low rates we would do an MRI and probably a ECG heart test..lets hope we don't come to that.
I pray tonight won't be an alarm party because that would so not be fun.......

Turning in early..miss talking and seeing you guys....LY

Matti is feeling a little better Thanks for the prayers..

Sunday, February 11, 2007 9:42 AM CST

Wish I could say things are going as planned..You probably expect from us by now........that they won't!

During the night I happened to wake up and Abi's heart monitor was reading 44 and staying there(Norm for a resting child of Abi's age is 60-80) Anyway I went back to sleep and then woke up again at 5:00 then looked and it was 43..Okay I'm sooo not comfortable with that...The bad part was there were no alarms or anything.I went out to the nurses station (Not too overly impressed with the night nurse we've had this weekend A song that comes to mind is "Bring in the clowns".)
Anyway I mentioned to her what the rate was and her response was "Well we called Dr. P last time and he wasn't too concerned". Not what I wanted to hear, then I came back with the fact that it was 47 and upper 50's now it's staying in the low 40"s..Should we wait until tomorrow because I'm sure then it will be in the 30's????I told her I didn't understand why we had it on if no'one cares and it doesn't alarm..Who would know if it just stopped in the middle of the night?? They only check her 2 times during the night 12 and 4.
To make a long story short they got a tech in here and put the alarm on to go off at 50 because medically that is as low as they can go, normally it's at 60. So after they did that it kept going off almost to say TOLD YA SO!!!
To say the least I'm a little concerned because with all of Abi's history and as many nights that I've spent bedside the lowest she has ever gone is 58-60.
They called Dr. P again and told him and he still said he's not overly concerned but concerned enough ..He said to try and get her up more, so we will try a short walk at 10:00

And Dr. P should be here at 10-11.....

I will keep in touch..LY

Dear God no more clowns please......

Saturday, February 10, 2007 9:25 PM CST

The day is done and I'm sitting in the dark with actually a very pretty veiw of the Capital.
It's funny how the days towards the end of your hospital stay are the worst....I don't know why I always expect her to be doing better...She is doing okay ,blood pressure now has been a little low so they are keeping an eye on that and she is still so dizzy when she stands up. Again today she was only up a little and unable to walk very far.
Her pain is still pretty under control so that is good. It is just so frustrating to me that we can't get this right..I know I have to be a little patient but it just makes me so upset that she has been through so many surgeries and do any of them make a differance???????
Matti is still pretty sick I'm going to have to make a call to Dr. B tomorrow she is having such a headache and fever. I'm lucky that he is on call this weekend.........................If you could say a little prayer for Matti I would appreciate it..

My hospital question of the night is...Why do they take vitals?? To act like they are doing something???Or does someone really look at them?? Because ours can go wrong and it seems like no'one does anything about it........Think about that one......

Tonight I was stressed so I took a walk around and I talked with God......I asked him if He could let me know if there is something going wrong with Abi...There are so many pieces to the puzzle and I'm trying to figure them all out but I can't anymore..So I am trusting that God will direct Abi to show us if there is something they need to do...I keep repeating the word..TRUST....TRUST

Goodnight my friends thanks for checking in....LY

Prayers going out

Saturday, February 10, 2007 7:06 AM CST

I just realized right now that I WANT TO GO HOME !!!!!
I have forgotten how differant weekends are here..yuck
Yes if your wondering I'm still crabby..I guess I woke up on the wrong side of my chair..ha ha
I woke up at around 4:00 because the nurse came in I just happened to look at the heart monitor and it was reading 47..Now the ones in the ICU alarm at 60 but these don't so I was a little freaked out.
The nurse called Dr.P because he's on call and he seemed to not be too worried but they are going to check her every two hours instead of four....Oh thanks I feel sooooo much better..If she goes into distress I'm pretty sure it only takes a minute...You get to a point in dealing with medical people where the trust factor is not to good. I wish I didn't know as much as I do but you learn from experience and unfortunatly I have lots of that...
Oh well I guess I will say extra prayers for God to deal with the idiots today because I don't feel I can..(God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves).

The good news is the coffee was hot this morning and the cream was flowing and I think my posture is getting better from sleeping on this board...see I can be positive...where's Nichole when i need her she was always so much better at hospital stuff then me....

Have a good weekend and check in if you can you never know what fun will be going on in the BIG HOUSE....LY Tracie(prisoner)

FYI- Abi is supposed to take it very easy today. I know alot of you want to come and see her, but it would be best if you wait till tomorrow. She needs the rest.
thanks

Friday, February 9, 2007 8:32 PM CST

We are now in a room...Yea!!!!

Gillette, room 437 bed 1

Today was a little stressful here and on the home front. Matti must of called me 4-5 times crying because she is sick with a bad headache and fever I feel so bad that I can't be there to hold her and get her better..I know she is in good hands but I know it's hard for her to not have her mommy there...

Abi started the day pretty out of it she just didn't look good today and her energy was up and down. She didn't get up except to use the bathroom and then she was pretty dizzy. Tomorrow we have our PT eval so we will see what they say.

We said bye to my brother today he went back home..He will be missed.
Today we had a bunch of company and Abi was happy because of course they came with gifts..(Even for me)..It was nice to visit a little and laugh a little too.

Paul and I didn't see eye to eye today I think all the stress is getting the best of us. I will try and be a little nicer tomorrow. It's just a little much to have things going on at home and here I will pray for a better day for all tomorrow. I'm not going to be able to see the girls or Paul for a while until the sick stuff is over..If Abi gets a fever we will extend our stay and I do not want that.
Not sure about when we will go home or even the plan for that..The nurse asked tonight "will you be here tomorrow"?
No, we plan on leaving in the middle of the night I'm going to take Abi and her dizzy self with her bandage still on the back of her head..Hello and I thought I was out of it....(That sounded mean sorry it must be the coffee kinda drinking a little too much of it).

Anyway must say goodnight and have a wonderful weekend...

I will continue to update even though I know most of you don't check in until Monday..It helps me to get my thoughts straight...Know I'm reading everything and enjoying what you E-mail...

My 5
1.Jimmy Johns
2.A room to call our own
3.people coming to say Hi
4.pink flowers,Godiva chocolates,coffee,mug,little things that cheered me up.
5. All of you sending us lots of love while we have to be at the "Big House"..

LY Tracie

Friday, February 9, 2007 8:16 AM CST

Well I think today I will not need eye drops I finally got about 4 hours of sleep....
Abi had a pretty good night her monitor went off several times because her heart rate dropped to the low 50's but it didn't seem to concerning.
Today Abi seems a little out of it but I just think her body is all worn out.
They are slowly weaning her off her PCA pump and giving her oral meds..not too happy about that because she always gets sick to her stomach so then they give her meds for that..kinda crazy.
Dr. P has ordered a PT gait evaluation today so he can see what we are dealing with as far as dizziness and balance.That should be interesting we haven't had that before after surgery.
We will move to a room today the nurses we liked on the floor even came over to see what room we would rather have..of course I said a large room with a hot tub and a chardonay bar..anyway we will get a shared room but at least there is a wall between instead of a dumb curtain...
I will put the room info. on the site as soon as we are moved it should be later today because they have to get some kids out first.
have a great morning and I will be back soon to keep you updated..(What else do I have to do...LY Tracie

Thursday, February 8, 2007 9:09 PM CST

Well another day at the big house lots of little problems here
and there but she is doing pretty good. I'm still not sure what this surgery will do for her or to her it's too soon to tell.
I just pray the end results are better then where we were...I want to feel like putting her through all this was worth it.

ICU is a little empty tonight only three kids..our neighbor who was next to us watching superman movies all night(on high volume) got moved to a room...darn I was just starting to get all the lines down....
Abi is already asleep I can hear her breathing she is so tired
hopefully she can sleep tonight ...She told me that she keeps thinking she's going to die..I told her not on my watch your not....I'm sure she is just really scared from the whole ordeal.
My Mom and brother came up and we had some pizza it's been so nice having him here..He will leave tomorrow..I will be sad to see him go.
Dr. B stopped by on his way home it was great to talk with him as usual....I told him I wanted a surgery report so he asked the nurse if she could get me one..come to find out the social worker has to come down so I can sign a form then I can get a copy..kinda funny but whatever...maybe they like to prepare families before they read a detailed report about what they did to thier loved one.
Tonight I have a new idea..I'm going to try not to sleep and see if that makes me go to sleep...Ya know like when your sitting somewhere waiting and you try so hard but yet you keep falling asleep..That's my plan..wish me luck...

My prayer is for a good uneventful night so we can move to a room tomorrow and get out of this display case.....Not that I don't like being the center of attention but 2 days is a little much.....

My 5
1.seeing Abi's eyes open after surgery.
2.All the love and support we are given.
3.My brother being here
4.No more SUPERMAN movies.
5.God giving me just enough strength to get through day by day.

Prayers going out to all those in my heart..prayers going out to all the parents sitting right by their childs hospital bed may God bring you strength.

Love ya look forward to reading some entries tomorrow...Thanks for the hugs..

Thursday, February 8, 2007 12:27 AM CST

Looks like we will be in ICU another day..That's fine because I'd rather be safe then sorry. Tomorrow if the night goes well we will move to the floor. Yea!!!!
I must say it is pretty quiet right now I guess everybody is sleeping so they can be up screaming all night. Abi of course is so tired but she will not take a nap I think she gets that from me....
Paul was up this morning and we were able to have lunch tonight my Mom and brother will be here for dinner.

Pain is still pretty much under control they now have added a couple new players valium and tylenol because her neck is having spasms and that is pretty painful.
She is not getting up except to use the portable potty next to her bed she is pretty weak when she's up and pretty dizzy....

But this is Tracie reporting from Gillette hospital...talk to you in a little while...LY

Thursday, February 8, 2007 5:14 AM CST

Sleeping in a hospital is like sleeping while attending a Monster truck show......I was given a bed/chair so I was able to lay down at least....gotta count your blessings when you get them.

Things are kind of in the air right now..She has started to have numbness on the left side and her heart rate is dropping while I'm doing this (the alarms keep going off).
ICU is an interesting place that's for sure and it kind of looks like we will be hanging out a little longer...Pain is still onder control so far so I'm happy about that..but I'm a little concerned about the other stuff but we will see.

Thank you for all the kind words and support.....LY Tracie

Wednesday, February 7, 2007 7:45 PM CST

This day could not of been any longer...

Abi is in ICU and so good so far..her surgery went about 4 hours and Dr. P said he did all that he wanted to do. He mentioned that it was some what of a big mess when he went in because of the build up of scar tissue I got the feeling it wasn't an easy surgery for him to say the least..
Abi will stay in ICU because of the risk of breathing issues with throat swelling I guess it can happen when you mess around back in the brainstem area. She is on a PCA pump for pain and it seems to be doing the trick...Thank you God....

Today we had two pastors and lots of family here for support plus all the light from your prayers and candles...Thank you so much I believe it made a differance.

Keep your prayers coming and E-mails we loved getting so many tonight..It made a long day seem so much better.....I know from sitting here before that one good minute doesn't guarentee another one..I'm praying for a calm night and sleep for Abi and maybe an hour or two for me..I'm sleeping in a chair..Not so good at that.....LY

Tuesday, February 6, 2007 8:06 PM CST

This is it I guess the day is here and we are going to move forward and trust that God is here so all is well.

I have felt sick most the day I'm very scared and nervous. Thanks for all the love and support we will take it with us tomorrow. Surgery is at 8:00 and will take at least 4 hours.

In our family when someone is going through a surgery or something serious we always light a candle for them..To us it means we are praying for that person until the candle is out. If any of you could light a candle for Abi tomorrow at 8:00 that would be wonderful.LY

I will not be able to get personal E-mails but can read the caringbridge entries..so please send them I will need it...

Our journey continues..........

Monday, February 5, 2007 9:30 PM CST

Not too sure what I'm feeling today..I feel calm yet crazy all at the same time.
It was hard to meet with Dr. B just because we know him so well every question he asked I started to cry but quickly pulled it together...I'm so sad...But it's funny I don't want to seem too sad because Abi will know her surgery is probably worse then she thinks.
I know how serious it is but I don't want her to know. She thinks it's like all the others but I know going into the spinal cord by the brainstem is pretty bad as far as risks.
I am glad the surgery is almost here because I can't hold it together much longer for anyone. I know the minute they take her off I will fall on the floor and cry because that is what I feel like doing every single day.

The only thing that really gives me comfort is the fact that everything we've done we've done it for her..we believed it would make her better no matter what the outcome was we just believed just like we do now I guess.

Today knowing Matti is having such a hard time I bought her and I a heart locket and I told her that I would open hers up put a kiss in it and she could do the same to mine. At times when we miss each other it will keep us close.
It seems at times I'm helping her but then I see her eyes filled with so much anger and pain I feel like I have'nt helped prepare her at all. I've been praying so hard for her understanding of all this.....

I haven't had a good nights sleep in so long it's hard for me to type..My body won't let me rest because in stillness comes pain....My faith is strong but my pain is real...

Tomorrow I will pack and get everything ready I really don't plan to come home at all until Abi is out of the hospital. To much guilt if I leave....I really appreciate the cards and emails they really do help I feel the prayers and It really helps me to know that they are out there. So if this is a site you always go on could you let me know ..It helps me. Gods blessings to all of you...LY Tracie

My 5
1.Three dollars and fifty nine cents
2. Knowing I love someone so much that there could be this much pain.
3.Understanding
4.Support
5.Not only having faith and trust in the good times..That's easy, it's times like these that open your eyes to what you really believe.

Prayers going out

Sunday, February 4, 2007 10:02 PM CST

The weekend seemed to go by so fast now it will be Monday already..I mentioned that to Paul with tears in my eyes and He said "Yes it will be Monday and then Tuesday and then Wednesday will be here". He said it in a way that made everything seem okay for that moment.

After the kids were in bed I spent most the evening looking up bible verses and reading things that would give me inspiration. I checked out the other Chiari websites that I know of , there are so many kids hurting because of Chiari and it is so heartbreaking to think this is going to be a life long path for Abi It just seems like surgery after surgery.
I always thought after each big surgery we would be done each one I told myself there is no way I can go through this again. How can Abi go through it again...Well here we are with #4 soon to be here. It's so funny I don't even count the shunt stuff that seems so easy to fix somehow.
Today Abi told me that she feels like she already had the surgery because she hurts almost everywhere. I don't think she has ever really gotten to a place where she just feels good for a while..Do I dare hope for that from this operation???
I loved what a mom said on her caringbridge page, "I'm waiting for the arrival of a better day".

Dr. Partington scheduled 4 hours for surgery but it will probably seem like 10.
Tomorrow we go to see Lynda for her last minute talk with Abi then it's off to Dr. B for our pre-op appt.

I've come to terms with the fact that Trusting God is the only thing to do right now..I'm walking in the dark looking for that little light of Hope that only He can give me..I can cry and be sad even scared but as far as the outcome it's not in my hands....It's in His.

I read something that Gilda Radner wrote and I wanted to share it.....

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning,middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."

My 5
1.Matti dressing up like Sandy (In Grease) and wearing all black with a straw in her mouth cut just the perfect length to look like a cigarette.
2.Paul
3.The chiari Moms who have an incredible strength.
4.God holding my hand so tight.
5.My friends and family where would we be without you...

Prayers going out to little Cristian who is having surgery Monday,Moms club,Anna,Cristina,Kara,Kyra,Braydon,Baby LL,Mark,Chiari kids,MCAD kids,Steve,Micheal,PJ,Nichole,Heather,Matt,Gaby,

LY Tracie

Thursday, February 1, 2007 10:15 PM CST

As the day grows closer I'm trying to make sure I've covered all my bases .It's almost like I think I'm going off for a very long time which I hope is not the case.
Every list I have of things we need grows and then I think back to my other hospital stays and wonder what it was that we could of used?? I guess it's good it keeps my mind busy.

Abi's neck is getting worse it's almost like you can tell that syrinx is growing. We went from maybe pain meds. once a day to now she takes it almost every 4 hours and constantly has a heat pack around her neck. I feel bad for her but she still manages to make her pot holders that's her new thing she does it all day long.

Matti went to the dentist today and has a little cavity but our dentist is so great and knows how full our plate is he said we would wait until her next 6 month checkup..YEA!!
don't think I could of dealt with that right now.
That's the problem when your in a kind of low period in your life things around you don't stop they just keep adding to the pile....It's almost like you want to yell FREEZE and everything would stop until you dealt with the situation at hand. That would be so much easier...

I'm asking God every night to give us strength and I believe He is because with each day I'm able to do what it is I need to do...When all I want to do is cry...I believe no matter what the outcome God will be there..Good or bad..He will be sitting with us during the surgery and be by Abi's side too.

It really comes down to TRUST and letting go even though every part of you wants to hold on.....I wonder if that's where the term "If you love something set it free" came from it fits....

Goodnight and I will be here with you on Monday...Have a weekend full of counting your many blessings....LY Tracie

My 5

1.Knowing when to give up
2.Trust
3.Freeze tag
4.Our dentist
5.Friends who stand by you no matter how hard things get

Wednesday, January 31, 2007 10:27 PM CST

The meeting with Lynda and the girls I think helped alot and even my meeting with the social worker went well.

Matti went to school and there were no real problems..Home is a differant story she is just so angry and upset that Abi is sick...The problem with that is it makes an already hard situation worse...I know it's not her fault we are all dealing with this in our own way.

We are hanging on best we can ..Next week at this time we will be done with surgery and in the ICU..Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate this I really do.......Not too much more to say....
LY Tracie

Prayers going out.....

Tuesday, January 30, 2007 10:11 PM CST

I sit here every night now and just cry because I just feel so bad ..I'm trying so hard to feel the way everyones suggesting ..I do have faith I do believe so strongly in God and all His grace but I just can't feel good right now...I just feel like someone has hit me so hard and I can't catch my breath......It is getting harder and harder for me to paint on a happy face. The days are going by so fast and so slow all at the same time.
It's funny because I think we are trained as caring people to try and make people who are sad happy it's just our nature..But for me right now it's not possible, not until I get through this.

Today I brought Matti to school and she started crying and didn't want me to leave her. Tears were rolling down her cheeks and she was begging me to take her home.
I wanted so badly to take her in my arms and walk out but instead I left her with her teacher and had to walk out with sounds of her screaming down the hall.
Last time Abi had a big surgery we went through this in preschool. I was wishing this time would be differant.
I pray tomorrow will be better for her.

abi is having a hard time too she is having alot of anxiety.
She is so afraid right now that she is going to die in her sleep.
We are trying so hard to help them with all this but we are all in the same boat.

Tomorrow the three girls go to see Lynda, they are making something like a survival kit for when Abi is in the hospital.I bought them pink tackle boxes and they are going to put things in there to help them cope during the hospital stay. While they are doing that I get to meet with the social worker not sure how that will help she can't fix the situation but talking always helps I guess.

My 5
1.Teachers who care
2. E-mails
3.Abi not having too much pain today
4.Getting my sink fixed(Thanks for your help Sam)
5.Knowing by the Grace of God we will all get through this and we will be alright.............Even though right now it doesn't seem that way

Prayers going out to..Shannon,Mark,Braydon,Steve,Nichole,PJ,Micheal,Anna,Cristina,Moms group,Chiari gang,MCAD,Those who are in my heart..

Goodnight..LY Tracie

Monday, January 29, 2007 10:03 PM CST

It's funny how some days I feel so together and sure of things ...Then other times I feel like a scared little girl who's afraid to leave the house...

Dear God,
I am trying so hard to be strong for Abi and the rest of the family I'm holding on to my faith so tight.
I just feel so scared that you may have other plans for Abi then what I want for her...We love her so very much and we know she is going to do great things if given the chance..I just pray she's given that chance....
I know I told you I would trust you and that if you thought we shouldn't do this surgery you were to give me a sign.
All the signs I see are telling me it is the right thing to do....
I still doubt myself because I know in this life sometimes you don't get second chances.
So for now I wanted you to know even though I have real feelings of fear and mistrust it's not anything you've done.
So many people are praying for her does that count for something do you have a score board up there?
I know you have lots to do but before I go I just want to make sure no matter what happens that your in that room with her guiding Dr. Partington and holding Abi so tight that all she can feel is your love...
Thank you
Abi's Mom

Open my eyes
to the kind of God
You have already
Shown yourself to be........

Sunday, January 28, 2007 10:20 PM CST

At church today I felt at peace sitting there. I didn't feel too emotional I wasn't sad I just felt at peace..Almost like it was where I was suppose to be.
The sermon was about how If you doubt because you feel you can't then usually you won't.
I've been so focused on the fear of this surgery and the things that could go wrong I have not had time to focus on the things that could possibly go right. So at night when I'm laying in bed thinking of how scared I am about this surgery I will also add some good thoughts about what this surgery could do... I wanted so badly for someone to just hug me and be able to tell me that everything is going to be alright..But now I've realized God has been trying to do that I just wasn't letting him.
I think blind faith is hard, It's like walking into a dark room and not being able to see and trusting that someone will guide you the right way...I think God is always there to guide us but many times we don't let go enough to let him.
Tonight we found ourselves with a broken sink in the kitchen..It will not drain and believe me we tried...After the stress that brought on (and of course when you're already emotional one more thing seems like ten) I lost it when the remote wouldn't work..I ended up looking up saying what else??? Around that time my bright and ever willing to share her dislikes daugter Matti says "Gosh Mommies crabby".
I wanted to go into my full plate of life but for Matti stress is throwing up on the afternoon bus and getting Barbie in the right outfit before Ken gets to the door..So i let it go. When my friend Carole called I asked her to pray for my drain..I guess by her entry she has....Thanks

As time goes forward I am more confident that this surgery is needed Abi's body is showing us that. I am grateful for that because It makes it easier somehow.

Thank you again for your prayers and E-mails they do help. I believe in the power of prayer maybe not for our drain but for Abi. So please keep them coming and I'll owe you some.

Prayers going out ..PJ,Steve,Micheal,Mark,Braydon,Anna,Cristina,Moms club,The strong kids that deal with Chiari everyday,MCAD kids,Nichole
Muriel,lots more people I have in my heart.....

LY Tracie

Thursday, January 25, 2007 10:10 PM CST

There is really nothing to say that has'nt been said. I sit here looking at this screen trying to put into words what I'm feeling.
I just feel empty I guess and drained there is so much emotion in our house right now I feel like the roof will blow off..Abi is not feeling good and she's scared,Matti is a handful and acts out everytime she can somehow she feels the need to punish us, Kaydee wants lots of hugs and attention, Paul and I can't even have a conversation without both of us getting frustrated.
I'm trying my best to keep us all together during all this but I'm not sure it's working. I know and paul will agree I'm a little on the stressed out beyond my limits side. Maybe there is no way to fix this maybe we just have to hang on best we can and get through it.
I want more then anything for the 7th never to be here but on the other hand I want it to be here now.
I'm ready for the time when I shake how I'm feeling off and send the black cloud on its way....I don't like being Sad....I guess this is just how it is for now....One day at a time doesn't sound that great to me right now.

I pray for all of you that may have a black cloud of your own........

LY goodnight

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 10:06 PM CST

I'm so in the "Get all my ducks in a row" mode. I have been cleaning and trying to get things in order because I don't know how long I won't be here. It is hard for me to stay at the hospital because anyone who knows me knows how much I love to be home, it's just a place I feel safe. But sometimes you have to step up to the plate and swing even if you don't want to play.
Everytime I'm at the big house I think of Martha Stuart in jail..If she made it there I can make it at a hospital..who knows I'll make curtains out of gauze and flower pots out of bed pans.

Abi is concerned that we won't get a laptop ..since there are only two for patients to use. We kinda both had a love afair with that thing last time we were in if you remember.ha ha

I talked with the principal of Abi's school and we are setting up a home tutor for when we get home and she's ready to start.
I just can't say enough good things about that place and the teachers in it...we should be bringing apples in everyday ! Do kids do that still for teachers?? Hmmmm maybe we should try it, let them know we appreciate what they do.

Tomorrow I take Abi and Matti in to the Psychologist and then its over to PT to learn how to use a tense unit for Abi. Full day but I get to start a little later which is nice.

My brother (Todd) will be coming from FL. for the surgery, it will be so great to have him here during all that.

Paul is having a pretty hard time with all this, his face just looks so tired and sad. The bad part is I can't really help him out of it because I'm feeling the same way..I do pray alot for both of us to get through it all. It is hard getting run over by this emotional car time and time again...I think I will be one of those woman who everyone talks about that is younger then she looks. I think when all this is over I will look like a 90 year old chain smoker with grey hair. (By the way I don't smoke). Maybe I should??

Matti has decided that she will no longer be taking the bus..She says it makes her sick and it's too bouncy and it takes too long to get to school. I know I should of forced her to ride it but I just couldn't...When I was in 5th grade I would hold on to the fridge door handle when the bus would come because I didn't want to go..my poor Mom...Matti always says I want to be like you !! She's doing good so far..That's why we have so much trouble with her...

Well again I am going to try and sleep,last night was a no go. I was awake until 3:30 trying to figure out what to bring to the hospital...Tonight I'm going to hit my knees and beg for peace so I can sleep..One night of sleep and then I can go without for two more nights...

I keep hearing about all the kids with Chiari that are just not doing so good I pray for them tonight. None of us ever wanted to be in the club but life knocks we answer and move on with what we've got...LY Tracie

My 5
1.Matti's big blue eyes.
2.Kaydee running around in curious George underpants.
3.Abi and the way she pretends to be Simon when we watch American idol.
4.Paul and how through all this stress, still pulls himself out of bed and gets to work always on time.Thank you
5.Me and how I can have a smile on my face and try to keep things running when inside my heart is breaking.

Prayers for those in my heart....Thanks for checking in please leave a little note...

Tuesday, January 23, 2007 10:08 PM CST

Today seemed to go pretty well at my appt. we talked alot about things Paul and I can do to try and keep things somewhat stable for the girls. Abi and Matti see Lynda on Thursday then she wants to see all three of them next week . I think it will really help them through a not so easy time that will be here soon enough.
When she asked how I was doing I told her the best I can be doing. I told her the hardest part for me is to have them take her off to surgery and me saying everything is going to be fine and kissing her and then being able to let go. How am I going to let her go????
She is getting pretty worried now, tonight she said that she was scared that she was going to be in a wheelchair after the surgery and not able to walk. I just keep telling her God will be there he is not going to leave your side not for even a minute..I sure hope He won't.
We did make a trip to Target today to buy some stuff for the hospital. Abi loves to wear fun socks when she's there so we got a pair and then a new bag for her stuff. We have alot more to get but that will come later. I always have to take care of things now because the week before I can't even think straight.
The pain med that was my best friend yesterday may not be turning out to be that great..It's kind of making her a little on the goofy side it is helping the pain though. They are also going up on her anti-anxiety med because her doctor wants her on the full dose before surgery I think to help her cope afterwards.
Goodnight for now my plan is to sleep tonight..wish me luck.

Prayers going out to PJ,Micheal,Steve,Anna,Cristina,Mark,Laura,Braydon,Nichole,Chiari kids,MCAD kids,All of you who are going through Stuff...

Love ya
Tracie

Monday, January 22, 2007 10:07 PM CST

Tylenol/cod #3 is now my new best friend..After I talked with Dr. Partingtons nurse I was able to get Abi some much needed relief.
I was using valium and the reason that didn't work is because she isn't having muscle pain she's having pain from the syrinx. So I kept her on that all day and it made her feel a little better. They suggested that since that cyst is growing she may be pretty uncomfortable so try and keep her as comfortable as possible until the surgery.

Tomorrow I go to see Abi and Matti's phychologist, she wants me to come in alone so we can work out something to make this surgery not so traumatic for the girls. I want to do everything I can to help them all through this and help Paul and I too.

I just feel like I'm waiting....My life feels on hold..the good news is I'm not getting stressed out about the dumb stuff because right now it just doesn't seem to important.
I'm still so sad and that is something I can't shake for now.
I'm afraid to go to bed because I lay there thinking about the surgery and details I remember and things to ask and things to do before hand....Ahhhhhhhhh....Then I get so worked up I have to pray for God to clear my mind and let me rest. I'll be in a straight jacket by the time Feb 7th gets here.....
I am so trying to be positive I really am but I'm just being honest...I catch myself starting to write what I think people would want to read but I can't. I'm going to let you in on the real deal so either hang on or start reading Cinderella that has a guarenteed happy ending.

Please if you can leave an entry I love to read them.....

Prayers going out ....
LY Tracie

Sunday, January 21, 2007 10:05 PM CST

I just can't seem to get this right tonight .....I'm just so not a waaaa waaa poor me kind of person. I know I'm blessed and yes I should be happy for what I have BUT for right now it's hard to see the sun through the clouds. My little girl is going to have a very serious sugery how do you just go about your everyday stuff and let that just be in the back of your mind???
It is all I can think about..I do trust God very much and this situation is no exception BUT I am human and my feelings are real. This has such an impact on everyone in our house .. Matti has had constant stomach aches ever since she found out and didn't want to go to school last Friday..Paul and I look at each other with such a painful look because both our hearts are breaking.How will I be able to even stand on my two feet and let them wheel her off to surgery knowing the pain she will be in. All I know is God better step up to the plate because I really can't see me making it any other way...
I could fool myself and say this will be the one that makes all the differance the one surgery that gives Abi her life back...but this situation has never really been a fairytale kind of story.
I keep telling Abi that God loves her and will take care of her no matter what..the funny part of it is her face shows me that she already knows that..It's almost like she knows that everything will be okay.

Once again thank you for all the love and prayers I know your out there I can feel it..........Prayers going out to those in my heart
LY Tracie

Saturday, January 20, 2007 5:30 AM CST

Here I said I was taking time off.....I'm just not sure what to do with all of these feelings I'm having...
They have scheduled her surgery for Feb. 7th at 8:00.
Dr. P will be going to the back of her head and neck again (this will be #4) and he is going to find the problem fix whatever he sees there, then he will go into her spinal cord and put a shunt in to drain her syrinx.
I am so scared I can't sleep because when things are still I pray then cry. I've seen half of this surgery before and I know how painful it is for her. The 3rd time was a nightmare, I just pray for strength for her little body to hold up through this. Don't expect me to make sense these next couple of weeks because I won't....
We were able to make it to fun fest at the girls school last night...It is so hard to paint on a happy face right now when all I want to do is be so sad....I hope this will pass I'm praying hard for strength and for God to lift me up but as of today I'm pretty much still a mess.

Thanks to all of you !!!you being there means everything to us.....I'm just sorry you had to get involved in all this...But I'm glad you did...Thanks for listening .....

Prayers going out ...Cristina,Anna,all the kids who have to suffer because of Chiari..Mcad children,PJ,Micheal,Mark,Gavin,Braydon,Nichole,Steve and all of you who need a little lift......LY Tracie

Thursday, January 18, 2007 10:12 PM CST

I must say I'm a mess tonight I just can't seem to stop crying.
Dr P is going ahead with the surgery it will take place the first part of Feb. We find out tomorrow the exact date.
I must say, we have alot of confidence in Dr. Partington or we would never go through with a surgery like this.

I'm trying so hard to be strong for Abi but I just don't think I have it in me.My heart just hurts at the thought of whats ahead for her.....

Tonight I'm going to hit my knees and pray so hard for God to give us strength and understanding because right now i feel so weak and I just don't understand.

Taking some time off to try and pull it together thank you for all your prayers and kind E-mails We really appreciate them.
LY Tracie

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 10:17 PM CST

I don't know why I thought there was a chance her syrinx was going away. I guess it was that little light of hope we all carry around in tough situations just wishing for the good.

Good is not what we got today....
Having to make Abi go through all of the MRI stuff today was harder then usual, not sure why but after they took her from me I went to the bathroom in tears saying to myself I'm so done with all of this I want it to stop. I don't think that will ever be the case.
I put the disk in the minute I got home and sure enough there it was, the problem was I could tell (since it's only been six weeks since the last MRI)that the syrinx had become bigger.
I couldn't even be in denial about it ,all I could do is sit there looking at it feeling so hurt and angry.
Dr. B called later and confirmed what I already knew,it has gotten longer from 23mm to 27mm and her spinal cord swelling has increased too. I was just speechless Paul and I walked around the house like zombies all night trying to figure out how in the heck we are going to get through this.
Tomorrow I go to see Dr. Partington and believe me I don't want to go..I'm afraid of what he will say.
I'm just so mad and upset but there isn't anyone to be mad and upset with ..This is just so not okay with me..to make a little girl spend her life dealing with this is just so not okay....Give her a break some sort of childhood..Give us all a break..

Prayers welcome for tomorrow I'd appreciate it..Thank you for letting me be me...LY Tracie

Tuesday, January 16, 2007 10:23 PM CST

Abi made it to her concert tonight ..Yea!! She didn't look real comfortable up there but she was a star....

Today when she got home from school everything hurt. Not a great day for her I guess..Doesn't make me feel real confident going into tomorrow. We have her MRI at 11:00 so lots of prayers welcome. I of course will come home and put the disk in and check things out I just pray the syrinx is smaller or the same. Like I always say It is out of my hands I really have no control over that....But I can pray like heck.....

Dr. B called while I was out, he told my Mom that the Mold testing on the girls came back and two were positive and one was negative....Can you guess?? Well I was surprised that Abi was the negative one seems like she gets everything but not this time it's Matti and Kaydee..He probably will end up putting them on a steroid inhaler..He will talk to me more when he calls to talk about the MRI. Just one more bonus life has to offer us......

LY Tracie

Monday, January 15, 2007 10:06 PM CST

Every single time we go in for a physical it's always a reminder to me of how long we have been involved with all this.
I still remember the day our journey began ..I remember hearing my heart beat so loud and trying so hard to hold it together for Abi's sake when all Paul and I wanted to do was fall on the floor crying. It's not that we ever think our children are perfect but that day when someone tells you there is a serious problem that is so life changing and things are never the same. Sure I know we learn and grow along the way but it is still a path no'one would choose.
Anyway enough about all that..todays physical went well she did have a slight temp but everything else checked out. I mentioned the slurred speech and how it was a little scary and lasted longer then usual,his advice was not to talk myself out of it next time and have her seen.
While we were there Dr. B wanted to do some bloodwork on the girls to see if mold is playing a part in this respitory stuff that we can't get rid of. What happens if they come back positive boy that will make us feel real good to know we are making our children sick....What happens then does the state come in and put them in a foster home until our enviroment is safe??? Okay that's a little on the Drama side..ha

Tomorrow Abi is in a musical with school I hope and pray she will make this one...If she does I'll probably be crying the entire time and will miss it anyway....I'm just so proud of her.
Can you tell I have a little dark cloud hanging over my head right now. I do know that it passes and it's okay to not be totally happy about whats going on...So for tonight I will keep my cloud pray a little extra and try to remember that I have a bunch of great players on my team......

Have a great Tuesday or not whatever you choose......LY

My five
1. Matti not kicking me with her snow boots while they were taking blood.
2.How the girls have been watching the Grease movie and singing to all the songs just like I did when I was little.
3. Kaydee saying pretty loud at the Doctors office"Don't you think it's funny how Danny grabs Sandy's boob."
4.The way Matti took an extra melatonin pill at bedtime because her sister didn't want hers...AHHHHHH
5.This crazy ride that never gets boring.

Prayers going out...

Monday, January 15, 2007 7:23 AM CST

Hello Monday!!!

Well today it is off to the clinic for Abi's pre-op appt. I always think they are so dumb, but before she can be put to sleep they have to check her out.
Abi had a pretty good weekend ,Sunday morning was a little concerning her speech was very slurred and lots of vision stuff it did pass but gosh to watch her act like that is so frustrating. All I kept thinking was Wed. is an MRI and that got me through.....

I do believe God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves that's why I've made it this far in all this crazy mess... and because all of you too..

Have a great Monday and enjoy the pretty snow ...Love ya

Prayers going out for continued healing for PJ and Micheal...
Chiari gang,MCAD kids,Mark,Steve,Braydon,Nichole,And all of you

Wednesday, January 10, 2007 9:36 PM CST

Funny how things can become comfortable....Not that I have been happy with Abi's dizziness and the muscle aches and head stuff but for a while it was kind of comfortable.
Now we have an MRI date for next week (Wed) I have to say it has thrown me off a little I'm worried. As we have learned in the past an MRI can be life changing and no matter how many Abi has had I get sick when a new date approaches.
My fear is that her sryinx is worse and surgery will be the only thing left to do. I do know that there is a chance of it being the same or smaller I guess it really is out of my hands. I just wish that syrinx wasn't always hanging over our heads I hate that.

Abi has made it to school the last couple of days ..It is important to her to be there, I know she feels really stressed about the school work I think she knows how behind she is, everyone in the class is working on something differant and I know that bothers her a little. The good news is she has an amazing teacher and great teachers in her special ed group...She'll be okay.

All I can really do now is pray not for the outcome I think is best but for Gods will to be done...I can't just trust Him part of the time.

Prayers going out to the people that are in my heart tonight...LY Tracie

Monday, January 8, 2007 10:17 PM CST

Well today there were Two....Matti went to school today and I must say it was hard. I looked at her little face as the bus drove off and I couldn't help but cry a little. I know our kids drive us crazy at times but it seems like we miss so much time with them when they are at school.
Seems like maybe Abi will be going tomorrow,I'm a little nervous to send her with the eye issues and dizziness etc. But if I don't and I wait until the perfect time I'm not sure that will come.
I did call N-surg today and they kind of think the syrinx is not going away as they had hoped. It does seem like with all the muscle pains and dizziness and now the added eye issue things are not looking to bright as far as things go.
I figure they will be calling with an MRI date soon until then I will have hope for the good and see where that takes us.
Tonight I just enjoyed being with the girls and Paul...as the kids get older the little personality that goes with them is so great...
Abi has such a sense of humor she does differant voices and makes me laugh so hard at times. Matti seems more sensitive and seems to need a little more attention and pats on the back. Kaydee,oh Kaydee she dances to the Cheetah girls and you would think she was a Las Vegas show girl 4 going on 20. While I was taking it all in tonight I thought to myself...Ya know, we have been through a bunch of Hard times together as a family but we are okay ..I really feel everything will be alright. I think that is the first time I have really felt that and it feels good I must say.....

My five tonight is family.....Not too many things greater then that....

Prayers of recovery going out to Micheal and PJ
Prayers for Steve,Mark,Braydon,Anna,Cristina,Chiari gang,MCAD kids,all of you....LY Tracie

Please E-mail me let me know someone is reading this !!!

Monday, January 8, 2007 6:57 AM CST

Happy Monday....

Well the visit to Dr. B went well on Friday all the girls are on antibiotics and for now Matti has improved. He mentioned that if there wasn't a big improvement in 7 days He wanted to put them on steroids. I mentioned to him about how we have such a humidity problem in our house (I got a meter and it seems we always stay at 50's and then sometimes 60's) He then said thats concerning health wise and was going to talk to the breathing Doctor to check and see whats up with all that.

Abi has had not such an easy time lately lots of dizziness and headaches..Her eyes seem to be acting up too she keeps saying that it's hard to keep them focused and open. Leg pain seems to be a problem also I think I will give N-surg a call today and check in we haven't talked in a while.

Other then that life continues one day at a time,I'm counting my blessings and dealing with the other stuff best that I can...Have a good day and we all have to remember...God loves us so much and wants great things for all of us....Keep those arms open today may be your day !!!

Prayers going out to Micheal who is having back surgery today ...PJ,Steve,Mark,Anna,Cristina,Chiari gang,MCAD kids,Braydon,Nichole,Doris,and all of you out there....

My 5
1.One day at a time
2.The morning
3.Coffee
4.Cosco
5.Matti feeling better (I will miss her when she goes to school today)

Thursday, January 4, 2007 10:01 PM CST

Night after night I come down here and journal about my life and the events taking place.
I must apologize for those times when I seem so wrapped up in the things that to me tonight don't seem to hold as much importance.
I was reminded today about how It's people we should cherish the ones in our life that make us wake up in the morning and keep us going when the world tries to knock us down. The financial worries are going to be there that's a sure thing..Our family and friends can be taken very quickly.
I'm really going to try and change my focus back to what it should be on, the other stuff will take care of itself.

Well the wait is over for us, the Girls finally get to go to see a Doctor...YEA!!! I feel like It has been months since our household was healthy (As good as we can be for us). I wish I had a medication tablet I would of fixed this problem 8 weeks ago. There I go thinking I have all the answers..Okay Dr. Tracie calm down..
It does seem tonight I am the last man standing..Paul has been coughing and I think has officially caught the Christopherson Never ending illness...(Now we are in trouble) I said a special prayer to God and told him if you love me even a little you will not let Paul get sick...Ha Ha okay he isn't that bad ..I'll be packing my bags and going to my Moms.(Not really)

Today I went and recieved my second "Crown", am I the only one that sees that as an honor? OKay granted I got it from the dentist ,It still makes me feel special..Kind of princess like.
Can I just say Dr. Forbes has changed the way I see Dentists, He my friends is a craftsman I'm so impressed by Him.

Well Instead of my five tonight I'm just going to say "Thanks" to all of you who have and continue to make a differance in my life. Thank you....

Remeber to adjust that focus if it's needed....

Prayers for PJ,Doris,Mark,Nichole,Steve,Anna,Cristina,Chiari gang,MCAD crew,Braydon and all of you ...Goodnight

Thursday, January 4, 2007 7:22 AM CST

Good morning

I have been on the phone going back and forth with the clinic trying to get them in..It seems several Doctors are sick so all this sick kids can't get in. We are finally getting in with Dr. B on Friday so that's a blessing right there.
The girls are doing much better Abi is still not too great but I think she is making improvements. All she wants is to go to her friends sleepover (It would be her 1st one) she will be so sad if she can't.

Prayers going out to PJ who will be having a knee operation today...and of course to all of you who are daily in my thoughts and prayers...Anna,Cristina,Mark,Braydon,Ekstroms,Steve,Chiari kids,MCAD kids, Lots more..

Take care...Wait for your blessings ...They may not be there today but they are coming...God wants great things for us...

My 5
1. Girls feeling better
2.People taking time to stop by to check things out
3.Blessings
4.Home
5.Family and friends..couldn't do it without them

Monday, January 1, 2007 10:07 PM CST

Here it is the start of a brand new year.......I don't mean to be a poor sport but I'm not too excited.
The year 2006 was a tough year and the thought of going another round makes me tired. On the bright blessings side It was a year full of new friendships and blessings beyond what we could of prayed for. My faith in God is stronger and my ability to wait is better For those things I am grateful.

Abi's cold is back full force she is pale and miserable coughing alot and goes through a box of tissues an hour.
Matti coughs now and then but seems to be on the up side right now.
Kaydee isn't herself still and coughs on and off.
I can't wait to get them in to see Dr. B I'm going to mention to him the mold situation. I just can't help but think they should be better by now. It seems once they start getting better they get it again, I must say I'm a little worn by it all ...I have never picked up so many tissues in all my life.

Wednesday someone is coming out to look at our mold I'm happy and nervous all at the same time. I don't think this is a problem you can be in denial about. Thanks to everyone and the good advice and help it's nice to know your still out there....

Have a good Tuesday ......It's nice to know we only have to live 2007 one day at a time.

My 5
1.The tissue with the lotion in it.
2.Paul and I staying well (Not mental just no colds).
3.Exercise
4.Knowing I'm never alone in this big world.
5.People who step in to help out.

Love ya all....Tracie

Sunday, December 31, 2006 12:16 AM CST

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU..........................

LOVE,
The Christopherson Family

Friday, December 29, 2006 8:17 AM CST

Just a Friday morning update...Looks like a long weekend for us ,I just called the clinic and two Doctors are sick so they are'nt taking any patients today....Kaydee really needs to be seen she is so sick walks around moaning and just is sick..Matti has what I think is a sinus infection..and Abi has a terrible ear ache...Hope your Friday and weekend will be a little less eventful..Love to all of you and wishes for a New year full of Blessings.

Take care
Tracie

My 5 for the year of 2006
1. All the incredible blessings we were given.
2. The showing of kindness from people.( Thank you)
3.Making it.
4.Abi pulling through each operation.
5.Our family and our faith that keeps us glued together.

Thursday, December 28, 2006 10:27 PM CST

Just a quick note tonight because Kaydee is really sick...
All three are in need of a visit to the Doctor so I plan to make that trip tomorrow I just pray they will let whoever we see check all three of them.Dr. B is on vacation until Wed.

Love to you all...goodnight

Wednesday, December 27, 2006 10:10 PM CST

I have to say we had a really great Christmas..Thanks to all of you who played a special part in that.

Let me catch you up on things here....
Matti is still sick and pretty much has been since early Nov. I am checking with the Doctor on her because her eyes are dark and she isn't looking good at all............Kaydee threw up last night and continues to still have a bad cough........Abi really had a good Christmas and felt pretty normal BUT now we are back with the dizziness and headaches her arms have really been hurting her too.I appreciated the time off though.

That is probably why I am writing because I need to vent.

I have been also fighting a mold problem, we have black mold on every window ,in our fire place and in the girls room in the corner on the floor...I know it's probably a window issue but I'm trying to keep up with cleaning it but I feel it's going to win. I know that black mold can hurt the immune system of kids that already have that problem so that makes me more worried ..If anyone knows of anything to help get rid of it please e-mail me and let me know..

No big plans for the new year, just plan to hang out and play some games and eat junk food..The girls always say how they are staying up until midnight but of course Paul is usually the only one to make it.

I appreciate all of you wishing us a happy healthy new year I can promise you we will do our best to be happy but I can't really promise the healthy part...I do know we will take what we are given and move forward ...with our mustard seed in one hand and a shovel in the other...Gods blessings to all of you.

Love,
Tracie

My 5
1.Game night on new years with our girls.
2.people in our lives who constantly never give up on us.
3.My cape and my mold fighting gloves.
4.My Mom finding out that her cancer isn't back on her nose..YEA!!!!
5.God who always has my back.

Prayers going out to those that are in my heart...

Wednesday, December 20, 2006 9:50 PM CST

I have to first of all say Thank you so much to all of you who have helped make this Christmas so great for us...

It's so funny someone asked me the other day how we are making it and I just had to respond back..Through the Grace of God.

Have a wonderful Christmas and Thank you for this year of your prayers ,love, and constant support. I wish I could say the new year will be a little less of a struggle but who knows what 2007 will bring. I am glad to say whatever it brings I have my strong faith in God my family and all of you...Gods blessings to all..

Love ,
The Christopherson Family
(Paul,Tracie,Abi,Matti,Kaydee and Lola,The birds and Minty baba)

"The angel said unto them,Fear not: for , behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people."-Luke 2:10

Monday, December 18, 2006 10:08 PM CST

Hi!!

Well today was spent at Gillette seeing Dr. Wical ,Abi's Neurologist I love her she's so great.
Couple new things She started her on a new pain med. that we will begin tomorrow, It's a very strong Motrin like drug should help her with her muscle pain.

We are going to be scheduled for Neuro testing just to see where she is as far as her motor skills etc. and basically to see if she has lost anything since her last testing which was 2 years ago.

I also have to speak with Dr.P to see if eye surgery is the best thing right now with the syrinx so big..Because it may be the cause of the eye problem or at least a factor in it.

Then we need to go back to the urologist because she wants her to have the testing to see if her spinal cord is the cause of her bladder issues.

I caught myself once again saying why do we need the pain team??It seems like what we need we have. I see Dr. B tomorrow with Kaydee (It's her 4 year check up) so I will ask him then to tell me why I can't fire them...but I will be a little nicer about it...

I have been praying so hard lately there just seems to be so much going on in the lives of people I care about..It's a shame it can't all stop for Christmas.

My hope is that we can all forget our heavy burdens and see Christmas through differant eyes for a while and just enjoy the love and the magic that It's all suppose to be about..I'll try if you will.Don't worry the bad stuff will still be there when your done...ha ha

Tomorrow it's off to more Doctor stuff but this time at Childrens Abi is seeing a new Doctor one who will monitor her anxiety medications. I get to play normal Mom for a little bit too and take KK in for a regular kid stuff appt.
All the girls have colds again and coughs I guess we had our week when everyone was well what more could I ask for???

Love ya...Prayers going out to My Mom she may have cancer again on her nose(the spot she just had surgery on and plastic surgery) please if you can send some prayers her way.. Also to Anna,Mark,PJ,Steve,Ev,Cristina,Braydon,Matt and all the Chiari kids,MCAD Kids,Prayers also for peace for each and everyone of you this Christmas....Love Tracie

My 5
1.Dr. Wical and Gillette
2.Medicine
3.Believeing in Santa Claus
4.The spirit of Christmas and how it seems to make the world a better place
5.The girls and how excited they are with each day they count down until Santa.......

Thursday, December 14, 2006 9:54 PM CST

If anyone is looking for a little break from this site now would be the time. I hate to say it but besides a syrinx the size of a walnut and some swelling of Abi's spinal cord we are in pretty good shape.
I'm so used to being constantly on guard with all the medical issues we usually have that right now I'm not sure if I can sit back and relax a little.
Sure enough once I get that lawn chair out and a cold beer opened with a new bag of beer nuts and a new issue of poor magazine (Why don't they have a magazine for the poor??They have Money magazine why not No money magazine??I guess no'one could buy it because of the money it would cost.)Anyway I just feel like the door is going to open and a whole bunch a trouble will blow in so I guess I feel like I must stand and hold the door.
It has nothing to do with trust because it is my understanding that God doesn't bring trouble He just helps us through it.
I hate to say it but I love this weather I'm able to walk and not kill myself on the ice,actually I've started running because I have to make up for all the Christmas cookies I'm eating.
Why can't we all be like Santa, how lucky is he little guys bringing him cookies and hot chocolate all the time and his wife saying eat up Santa you must fit in that red suit...What a life I want to be santa and live in that happy little village.

This year I sent out the most Christmas cards then I ever have before, It just goes to show us how we have been blessed this year..By being able to have all of you in our life!! If you did not recieve a card please know It doesn't make you less important because you are it just means one less to toss at the end of the year....Love to you all

Have a great Friday and take time to look at all the pretty lights this weekend, I know it's not good for saving energy but I do feel around this time of year we need it to be a little brighter...

Prayers going out to those in my heart..

Please E-mail I love getting them

Wednesday, December 13, 2006 9:37 PM CST

I can't believe the week is almost over, where did it go???
Everything has been going okay....Abi has been going to school she always has issues on the way there but that little fighter puts her game face on and gets it done...She really makes me proud.
I feel really sad whenever I drop her off I'm just so used to taking care of her to let her go is hard for me.It is so great for her I see that sparkle in her eyes again.

Just for today we are doing good and tomorrow could be bad but at least we had today......When you have a child with Chiari or really any illness it's so great when you see their face in the morning and it has that look that Today is going to be a good day. You gotta love that.

My 5
1.Abi going to school.
2.Taking not so good news and dealing.
3.Matti's laugh.
4.Cookies
5.Being together as a family.

Love ya.....prayers going out and hopes of peace for your day.......Tracie

Monday, December 11, 2006 10:15 PM CST

Today was not the best day for Abi, she really couldn't make it off the couch too much.
Lots of neck pain and headaches then throw in being dizzy and sick to your stomach that was pretty much on and off all day.
I finally gave her valium to try and get her neck to relax and it did seem to make her more comfortable.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring It's a day at a time for us...

I had a friend come over and bring me lunch and coffee it was great and very much needed. For a crazy Monday it really had a lot of good points to it....

Well i hope I can get Abi to school tomorrow but we will see.
Matti is starting to get a cough again but I told her it wasn't allowed in the house..ha ha
Kaydee has been screaming 3 to 4 times a night because we scared her by letting her watch the snow monsters in the old Christmas shows.

The girls and I started reading the Christmas story and I had to stop a couple times because Matti was crying. I asked her why she was crying and her answer was she didn't want an angel to visit her and make her have a baby...

Have a great Tuesday and be thankful you don't have to be pregnant with another mans baby and riding on a donkey across town and then giving birth in a barn with stinky animals..People should of followed the star to see Mary she was amazing...What a woman.

My 5
1.Mary
2.Having people in my life who care about me and let me care about them.
3.Santa Claus
4.Knowing there is a chance that Abi will feel better tomorrow.
5.Lunch,coffee,and laughter.

Prayers going out ...I pray for peace for all of you this Christmas...

LY Tracie

Sunday, December 10, 2006 10:05 PM CST

Thank you for so many kind words...

No, It was not the news we wanted but I could tell by her symtoms and things that were going on that it was back.
I can't say I was surprised but I was a little shocked by how big it can grow in a short time. All I keep thinking about is how good it felt when we heard it was on its way out and now to have it back It's taking me a while to get used to the idea.
I looked up the word Hope in the dictionary tonight...

HOPE-Trust,reliance. Desire accompanied by expectation of or a belief in fulfillment.

So My trust is in God and I know and believe that He will not let me fall. I do believe there will be a time when this rollercoaster we are on will slow down, that is my desire for peace in our family.
I'm making a choice right now to remain hopeful and to trust.
We are going to live with this over our heads for a while I'm sure so I'm going to have Abi do all that she can. We were ordered to have NO Physical therapy or massage..Dr. P made it very clear no'one is to touch that neck but Him !!
I have to cancel Gym at school again until we get the green light.
We are back having the breathing issues again just like before she had a hard time tonight before bed.

On a good note the girls are very excited for Christmas we count down every morning and we share Our favorite Christmas stories at night.
I pray we stay out of the hospital at least until after the new year..That is my Christmas wish.

Have a good Monday and be hopeful.

My 5
1.The people that I'm blessed to have in my life.
2.Hope
3.Christmas
4.Church
5.Cookies and how you can eat a bunch and never gain a pound...ha ha I wish

Saturday, December 9, 2006 8:36 AM CST

I was right.. Her Syrinx is bigger then ever. What he is doing about it is waiting. They turned her shunt down so now we wait. Thanks for checking in...Love ya

Thursday, December 7, 2006 10:19 PM CST

We had a long day but everything went as planned without any real complications.
Of course I have the disk that I'm suppose to bring to Dr. Partington do you think I could leave it alone? No!
I have been looking at it over and over praying that the big white gumball I once again see on her films isn't what I know it to be.
Please God make me be wrong I know I always want to be right but not this time not about this.I'm going to call Dr. B first thing in the morning to see if he has heard the report yet, I just want to know.I don't think this is the Christmas present we asked for....We will see tomorrow not much we can do till then..Goodnight

Wednesday, December 6, 2006 9:36 PM CST

You would think I wouldn't get that sick feeling in my stomach the night before an MRI but I still do. I don't like the fact that she has to be put to sleep that still really bothers me but I know it would be hard on her without it.
Today went well as I thought it would doesn't sound like we will be adding the Urologist to our regular list.

Matti missed school today because her stomach really hurt. I've been feeling for a while that she has a UTI because she goes to the bathroom every two minutes.I saw Dr B today for Abis physical and I told him about it so tomorrow I will bring a sample to the lab on our way.

That's really all I have please say a prayer for Abi tomorrow and PJ a friend of ours both have stuff tomorrow..
Please send prayers to Carole who had another loss in her family..

Blessings to you all..goodnight

Tuesday, December 5, 2006 10:09 PM CST

Tomorrow it's off to the Urologist to do some testing I really feel nothing will turn up but who knows for sure.After that It's off to have a physical for Abi because they will be putting her to sleep for the scans.
Our MRI got changed to Thursday afternoon and then we will meet with Dr. Partington on Friday to discuss the results.
I just wish MRI's were'nt such a way of life for us I'm so sick of them I know Abi is too. She almost seems a little excited because every MRI she has I let her pick out a stuffed animal at the gift shop I think she about has everyone they sell.
So a couple long days ahead but we will get through it just like we always do...Of course prayers are welcome I really feel like we are going to need them ,something just doesn't seem right to me and I guess we will see won't we..I hope I'm wrong.
The good news is my Mom comes home tomorrow !!! I will be so glad to see her and of course I will never let her go on a trip again..ha ha

That's all I got Here's my 5
1. Getting Christmas cards in the mail.
2.E-mails
3.Soup
4.Watching Here comes santa clause with the girls tonight.
5.Knowing that Christmas is near and I'm not stressed out.

Prayers going to PJ,Mark,Anna,Cristina and all our Chiari group,MCAD Kids,Braydon,The Homeless,Really anyone who has to be in the hospital during this time of year.

Love ya.......Tracie

Monday, December 4, 2006 7:01 PM CST

Well the fun just doesn't ever stop does it.......
Abi had an appt with Lynda today and her and I had a long talk about the pain team because she is part of the team.I was able to tell her my likes and dislikes and I guess it came down to I wasn't very honest with them ,I let them tell me what to do with Abi and it was like I had no voice. Well guess what my voice is back and I plan to use it on Thursday. I started crying at one point when I started talking about how it's just too much , sometimes it just seems too much and I get so overwhelmed.

I just found out tonight we are going in for another MRI because Abi is having the same symptoms as she did back when her syrinx was so large ,she is dizzy and having neck and arm pain and of course the good old headaches.I think that will be Friday so please send prayers our way.
The good news is the girls seem to be over whatever it was they all had. Matti went back to school today and did okay.
Looks like Abi probably will once again miss another week (I hate that).

Going to Childrens today Abi and were talking about all our blessings ,we have a warm place to go and food on our table that is so much to be Thankful for when you see the people walking around down there that don't have that.I can't even imagine the feeling of having no where to go.For that I'm very blessed.
well have a nice day and remember to count those blessings and then thank God that you have so many!!! I know all of you are one of mine.

My 5
1.A warm place where I can go.
2.The feeling that I will never be alone.
3.The full moon and the way it lights up the sky.
4.Cristina (Another chiari kid)who sent Abi a little care package today to let her know she's not alone in all this medical stuff.
5.My voice.

Love and prayers to all...Tracie

Friday, December 1, 2006 9:22 AM CST

Good morning..As I sit here the kids are yelling at each other it's so fun when we can all be together ..I have used the Santa is watching card so many times the kids are like whatever....

Went to a cookie exchange party last night ,I know I promised myself last year I would never do that again. Now that I am a baker I had no excuse not to I feel it's my obligation..haha

I'm so used to being home though so when I'm out I just can't wait to get back I love my house the smell it has and how warm it seems on a really cold night. Not that I don't enjoy being out but even though I complain a little here and there about being trapped in this house this is where i want to be.

It hurts my heart to read in the newspaper about how the forclosure rate has gotten so high. I know that we have struggled with that ourselves and I believe there are many people like us that have medical issues and just stuff beyond thier control that causes that dark cloud to hang over an already difficult situation. So please don't assume when you read about the rate increase that it's people making dumb choices because probably alot of them such as ourselves don't have the luxury of choice. I pray for those families.

Well have a blessed weekend and stay warm.....Love ya..Tracie

My 5
1.Being able to come Home
2.Gods love
3.Cookies
4. Being with friends
5.Family

Prayers going out.....

Wednesday, November 29, 2006 10:26 PM CST

Not a bunch to say tonight believe it or not...
Went to see Dr. B and got some Meds. for Abi He also informed me we would not be getting rid of the pain team yet..so I guess I have to un-fire them..oh well I trust his opinion.
We will have our meeting with all of them soon I told him I expected him to have my back when we go in there and of course he just smiled...

Matti seemed a little under the weather tonight I'm wondering if maybe I sent her back to school too soon..Might just keep her home the next couple of days she had a bad headache and was coughing alot tonight.

As for me today started out a little rough seemed to have a bunch of stuff come at me that I didn't want or expect but I pulled it together and kept on going...

For now things are calm (a little) so I Thank God for that and I welcome a new day tomorrow.....Love ya all

My 5
1.The act of giving.
2.Matti and the look on her face when she gets an answer right on her homework.
3.Dr. B
4.Trusting in God and knowing everything is okay.
5.Kaydee yelling tonight "You asked me three times, Gosh" How funny is that how old is she 20?

Tuesday, November 28, 2006 10:22 PM CST

It took me an hour but I went back in the journal to this date last year. Not much has changed really Seems that things are pretty much the same except we are all older and probably a little wiser.
I wonder to myself if there will be a day when this is not one of the main things in our life. Some days I choose it not to be but then something happens and once again it's main stage all over again.
Today is the last day that everyone stays home from school Matti will be going back tomorrow and I must say she needs it.
I have been working with her and trying to get her letters down But I get so frustrated, she didn't know what an E looked like and I almost lost it...Teachers have a special gift that's for sure.
Being the Doctor that I am, I feel Abi has a sinus infection she is saying that she has so much pressure on her head. I guess we will try to pay Dr B a visit tomorrow, he should probably check Kaydee too she has a cough that sounds like it's deep in her lungs...

I can't believe it is Christmas time already it is my favorite time of year, everything is so pretty the drivers are a little nuts but it's all part of it I guess. We already have all the decorations out and I must say it looks so cozy I love being home, good thing I guess since I've been stuck indoors for a while.
Tonight was my last water ballet class I have to say I will miss it. I was just starting to get it down too....

I have to say Thanks for going through this with us , when I look back I realize how long this has been going on. I think some of you are still with us if not I would write anyway it really helps me stay focused kind of like talking to yourself except other people can hear..

Prayers going out to Mark,PJ,Braydon,Anna,Cristina,Matt,Baby Ellis,all the Chiari kids that have so much pain on a daily basis,MCAD kids,And all of you who are constantly in my heart....

My 5
1.Being able to go to the Doctor because of a possible sinus infection.
2.Water ballet with my bud Amy.
3.The way Kaydee yells at me like I'm not getting what she's saying.
4.Working with Matti on letters just the two of us.
5.Christmas and how it makes everything seem a little brighter.

Love ya .....Trust Faith Love Hope=God

Monday, November 27, 2006 10:05 PM CST

It's funny when I go to bed at night I say my prayers and I really try not to stumble my words because I want my prayer to be just right. I feel like I have to make sure I cover everything and most nights thats not possible.
The great part is God knows, He Really and honestly knows what I need before I do.

Well I have to say it seems like the girls are getting better, the only one I'm still concerned with is Abi. Headpain seems to be increasing and she feels sick most the day now and she hardley eats anything before dinner. I spoke with Dr. B today and I told him I guess if her shunt is going bad it will get worse if it's just her cold it will get better...so we wait.

Today I decided I was going to fire the pain team we've been working with , not sure why and what they are doing for us so I thought I would end the relationship. Dr. B called made me think a little about it and now we are going to have a big meeting with all of them.(That will be fun)
I just feel we've been in this game a long time and at this point when new players come along and are'nt making a differance in Abi's care It's time to sweep the floor.
I think I've lost my ability to deal with medical nonsence.

I always thought there would be a time when Abi would and could be pain free. The longer we go on and the more I hear from other parents who have Chiari kids I feel the pain is here to stay.I won't give up hope though....I will just keep going.

Have a great day and keep your chin up know that Gods got your back.......

My 5
1. My Mom (I want her back home) I want my Mommy!!!!!
2.Peace
3.Knowing that I can fire Doctors
4.Colds slowly going away
5.Playing barbies today with the girls

Prayers going out ....

Please E-mail I'm lonesome

Sunday, November 26, 2006 12:34 AM CST

I'd like to say that things are better for us since the Matti hospital event but I can't.
Matti still has a bad cough and Kaydee is right along with her, Abi has been throwing up today and her cold is so bad she can't really talk.
But other than that things are great !!!!

I do have to say we had a wonderful Thanksgiving, we had that one day to just enjoy good company and pretend that life is just a bowl of cherries...

After the Matti scare it really has opened my eyes to what are life with her will be like now that she is in school and around all those germs...yikes
When the ambulance came I was so mixed up I couldn't even think straight. I think it is because now that we know what she has we know what can happen. I will be more prepared next time. It was our good luck that Dr. B just happened to be rounding at the hospital while we were there so we could go home early knowing he would check on us.

Not real sure if turning the shunt down has been our answer yet for Abi since she has been so sick I will have to get back to you on that one.

I really do believe we should have a yellow ribbon around our house saying "Danger illnesses that never go away!!"
seriously come on God help me out a little .......Just make one of them well or two...How much Lysol can I spray...Anyway have a good week and for goodness sakes stay away from our house!!!!Love ya

My 5
1.Lysol
2.Kleenex
3.Screaming babies that we had the pleasure of being roommates with in the hospital.
4.My own bed and house
5.Knowing one day we will have this crud out of our house..

Thursday, November 23, 2006 8:54 AM CST

This Thanksgiving I'm more thankful then I think I have ever been before...
I'm Thankful for the fact that we are home all together and not seperated by a hospital...
I'm Thankful for the many blessings we have been given this year.....
I'm Thankful that we have so many wonderful people who touch our hearts on a daily basis and continue to show us they care....
I'm thankful for the fact that things may not be perfect but it's the little moments of joy and the love we have for each other and God that gets us through anything....

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and know we are so grateful for all of you..................The Christopherson Family

Wednesday, November 22, 2006 8:15 AM CST

Good Wednesday morning,
Why such a late entry? you may ask.
Well, this is Paul and I am home right now. Just want to keep you posted on last nights events. Kaydee had a fever of 102 and decided to throw up. She only did this once thank goodness. She seems to be better now and is asking for breakfast. Abi is OK. Not too dizzy. Who knows. maybe turning her shunt down was the answer. If not, It means a shunt malfunction and another surgery.
The reason, however, I am typing this is because of Matti. She has had a bad cough the last couple of days, but last night, she got sick. After she threw up a couple of times, Tracie called the doctor. He said to call 911. The ambulance came and they took her blood sugar level and they said it was OK. While they were here, Abi started crying because she was so scared for Matti. I don't blame her. With flashing lights outside and strangers in her room. The paramedics said she did not need to ride in the ambulance, so Tracie drove her to the hospital and they stayed overnight there. We are waiting for the doctors report and will keep you posted.
Paul

Monday, November 20, 2006 10:06 PM CST

It seems funny that Thanksgiving is here already I think I'm still back at Halloween..I had to run to the store to get some rolls, you know the type that rise and then you bake them I've decided I've mastered cookies now I'm going into Breads and pastry...ha ha

Today was another day of all of us together, Abi did not feel right headaches and dizzy most the day. Matti still isn't well either still has a bad cough and not a bunch of energy. Now Kaydee has a fever again so I guess we are going to just pass it around...I can only Lysol so much !!!

Going to keep everyone home again tomorrow. Abi and I are going to see our friends at N-surg ,Dr. P called tonight and He feels she is not handling the setting the shunt was changed to so we are going to go back down.My question is then won't we have low pressure stuff again?? I'm so confused by it all..He did say That one of these days we will get it right..I really like and respect Dr. Partington I just feel like he cares.

Take care and know that I'm so Thankful for all of you......

My 5
1.Christmas music
2.Dr.P and Dr.B
3.Being Thankful for all that I have
4.Lighting candles and sitting in my favorite chair when it's cold outside
5.People who care when they don't have to

Sunday, November 19, 2006 10:02 PM CST

Tonight finds me to be worn out like an old shoe.
The weekend was a little shall we say rocky...Matti decided she was going to get sick and since Saturday has had a 102 fever and it's still going. I called her Doctor and he said as long as she continues to drink juice or milk and eats a little she can stay home and not got into the Hospital, But the minute she throws up or stops eating we are pretty much in the big house.
Abi has had nothing but problems too, she is so dizzy. She tried to go outside and play in the yard with Kaydee and after watching her for a while it was like she could hardly walk and she kept sitting down and then I knew we had issues. I keep having dreams that Abi is having a shunt malfunction probably because thats what I feel is going on,her behavior is odd and she is just not herself just a little out there.Not sure what to do .....
Anyway, my Mom leaves tomorrow to go see my brother and his family and I have to say she isn't on the plane yet and I feel so lost without her. She is the big band-aid that kind of holds us all together.
I found myself today so overwhelmed with my life tears were rolling down my face, my shoulders felt like someone was giving me electric shock . After dinner I decided to walk Lola and during that time I realized that I don't have to do all this, I don't have to figure everything out ..God's there..So I began telling Him everything That I could use a little help with and funny thing I did feel a lot better.

So many times I feel like I have to know whats wrong with Abi and if I don't know I feel like I have to figure it out, so I lay in bed going over facts and thoughts and what to do...that's enough to go crazy right there,then you add Matti and her issues and then Kaydee who has regular kid stuff and after a while I realize I can't carry it all...That's when I take off my Mom backpack and give it to God to carry for a while.

So tomorrow I will make The call to Dr. B and try to figure out what to do now. For tonight I will try to get some sleep it's been hard to come by this weekend.I will be praying for a peaceful Monday for me and all of you...Love ya ..........
Tracie

MY 5
1.When kids get well
2.Target
3.Tylenol
4.God
5.Praying and knowing someone is listening

Thursday, November 16, 2006 9:50 PM CST

No real answers today I'm afraid.
Dr. P looked at the films and decided he wants to see how this all plays out so we will do nothing for now. I have to say I'm a little sad about that but I also know with this kind of stuff there are No quick fixes.
It would be nice to go into the Hollidays with very mild pain and no surgeries .
He also told Abi to sleep with a lot of pillows because she has been sleeping flat it feels better to her.So tonight we had her almost sitting up she wasn't too happy and she let me know that tomorrow she will be a crab because she won't sleep well! What if it was the simple answer to a better morning or it could make her worse. We will see......

So once again we wait and keep moving forward trusting that this is where God wants us to be.

Have a great weekend and thanks for checking in ....

My 5
1.Learning that waiting may not always be a bad thing.
2.Abi and her strong spirit that keeps her going.
3.Mrs. Cartwright (Abi's teacher)
4.The way Matti and Kaydee sit at the table and paint their nails together (Kaydee puts on 10 coats).
5.My Mom she's the greatest.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006 9:24 PM CST

It's funny because everytime we go to see any of our Doctors they always send a report of the appt. and everytime I read them I think about how sick I am of answering questions about headaches...I'm sure all the Moms and Dads of Chiari kids feel that way..Why do they have to live with pain they're kids !!!

Anyway well once again we go for a CT and then to talk with Dr. P, I hope we can come up with why Abi does so bad in the mornings,today she didn't go to school at all she had bad pain right out of bed then the rest of the day she felt like the floor was moving....She can't live with that. I do have faith and trust that Dr P can find an answer I really believe in him.

Kaydee enjoyed her day today we had a small little party with just us and then Friday we will have a family party. She kept asking me on and off all day "It's still my Birthday right?"
She didn't want it to be over.

I have noticed this Christmas and I'm not sure if it's because the kids are older but why does every Toy seem like it's a hundred dollars?? They were putting stickers in the Christmas toy books and I kept thinking what ever happened to just a doll, you know the ones who you pretend to be the Mommy with. Now they talk say ABC's and can tie shoes and say the date ..why do we need that? Matti thinks if she puts a sticker on it she gets it...I told her that would be a lot of money, then she informed me that Santa can do anything he's magic. if that's the case I've got a list for you Santa...ha ha

I would appreciate a little prayer sent our way for us to get some answers tomorrow. Thanks..Have faith and keep on walking that's really all there is to do.

My 5
1.Birthdays, because they are simple reminders that we are all here for a reason.
2.The toys from when I was little that didn't do anything.
3.Family and friends
4.Water
5.Christmas trees and the pretty lights.

Take care prayers going out to all the children who have to go through life with pain.....

Love ya...Tracie

Tuesday, November 14, 2006 9:37 PM CST

I don't know why but everytime I go in for a teacher conference it totally defines me as a Mom. I just feel terrible when I hear that Matti is a little behind. If I were Matti I would be yelling at me saying "Where have you been".
But instead of crying in my water I have decided to do something about it !! I'm going to start working more with her I can't make up for the past but I can decide to do things differant for the future. I really love her teacher she is so great about explaining what needs to be done.

Abi did well this morning I brought her to school around 10:00 she loved that she could play outside with her friends.
This morning though I had pretty much enough of her waking up and feeling so miserable so once again I called N-surg. I just feel like there has to be something that could make this better for her we are so close to the real thing we just need this one part. They called back later and told me Dr. P himself wants to see Abi but first he wants a CT done at Childrens we go Thursday. Makes me wonder why we need another CT we just had one?? I just wonder what He's thinking.

November 15th 2002 Kaydee was born into this crazy family of ours !!! She will be the Big 4 ...Of course I have already decorated her bed because the birthday fairy is a big hit at our house. I remember shortly after she was born Abi had her first brain operation I really believe Kaydee was the reason I got through it.

Well I better go to sleep it has been a long day....

My 5
1.Kaydee and the way her smile can light up a room.
2.The way Kaydee sticks a chip in ranch dressing and ends up with her hand covered in it.
3.The way she can dance like she's been doing it for years.
4.Kaydee always finds the good in people "I love your hair" "I like your shirt" .
5.The way she looks in the mirror and kisses it and then smiles like she just kissed prince charming.

Take care and keep that chin up !!!!
Please E-mail you don't have to write just put your name..Love ya

Monday, November 13, 2006 10:03 PM CST

Not sure why but I have been baking !!! I know it shocked me as much as it probably does some of you, not sure if it's the new meds or what but I'm Betty Crocker all of a sudden.
I guess it's a healthy outlet as long as I don't eat everything I bake. How does anyone spend three hours making cookies and then eat them anyway, It's almost like after all that time you should set them out for people just to look at.

Abi went back to school today and I've made the decision to let her go a little earlier , so now it will be 10:30. We will see how that goes, she went to bed pretty excited about it. It's so nice to have her talk about friends and things that happen. I do miss her when she's gone I'm so used to being right there taking care of her, it's hard to let go and trust she'll be okay.

Matti is going through a scared phase she can't be alone for a second. Not sure what has brought this on but I hope it gets better. I bought some colored Christmas lights to hang in her room , I thought it would help her at bedtime.

Kaydee still isn't feeling too well she is just kind of floating around and she is so quiet I don't even know she's there.Her eyes really show it to me, normally she has such a sparkle. Her Big 4th birthday is Wed. I hope she's better by then.I keep asking her what she wants for her birthday she told me "Spaghetti and Meatballs". I've never seen anyone who loves meatballs more than her.

Well besides my water ballet, Amy and I are doing the second harvest 5k marathon on Thanksgiving. Amy told me tonight it really isn't a marathon, but I decided to call it one because it's a cool thing to say. Besides it is my first "Marathon" that's right I'm a baking water ballet marathon runner(walking really). Just when I thought life couldn't get any better I just saw tonight on Tv that the McRib is BACK !!! Well put my wings on because I must be in heaven...ha ha

Anyway have a great day , enjoy something about it..........

Prayers going out : Moms group,MCAD kids,Chiari Gang,Mark,Braydon,Anna,Cristina,Nichole,PJ,Becky,all the little peanuts out there who have to suffer with pain......

Love ya......Tracie

My 5
1.The McRib (Not really)
2.Friends who are always there
3.My girls and Paul
4.People who read this and support us
5.The ability to give something back to second harvest

Thursday, November 9, 2006 9:35 PM CST

The morning started off with a couple wet beds and a pile of laundry so high I could of hiked around it for days.
Abi started the morning like many before pale and bad headaches and throw her valve of her shunt hurting her and a cold well that was pretty much her day.
Matti was doing pretty good coughing mostly at night but after she ate a big dish of spagetti O's she threw up for about 20 minutes and said she did it because she smelled something funny?? Unsure what that was about I decided to keep her home too.
Of course I didn't really get anything done because I kept going room to room picking up ,once I left the room it was a disaster again...The joys of Motherhood.

I went to my water ballet tonight felt good but I don't feel like I was as graceful..Kind of choppy...Don't get me wrong I had some good moves but it just didn't flow as smooth as usual..I can tell the other woman wish they were me..oh they stare..I don't blame them..ha ha ( If you are reading this and don't know me I am so kidding)

I can tell it is getting close to Christmas because of the "Kay Jewelers" comercials...The kids are peaking in the room so darn Happy, Dad pulls out the velvet box mom is speechless..The kids smile Mom and Dad kiss In front of a pretty tree and a fireplace.
Okay That's nice and may happen in real life I'm no expert ..Here's what I think happens....
Mom's drinking bloody marys in the kitchen, Dad is about to take out the garbage, The kids could care less as they are looking at their own gifts ,Dad tosses Mom a box (It's white made of cardboard)He says in his bad morning breath "I got ya sumtin", She opens it and knows it's something she will never wear looks for a tag to make sure she can take it back closes the box and smiles....Now you can't tell me that would not sell jewelery. ha ha

Have a blessings filled day ...

My 5
1. The actors in the Kay Jewelers comercials.
2. The fact that the pain team has not called back yet with all the appts.
3. How we are all home together and not in the hospital..I thought for sure that day they would keep her..
4. A warm house when it's cold out.
5. The fact that I can laugh at myself or just laugh.

Prayers going out.....Take care
Tracie

Thursday, November 9, 2006 7:35 AM CST

Just wanted to write a quick note....
My physical went fine and believe it or not I'm healthy !!!
Thanks to all of you that sent me such sweet notes to my home E-mail, what would I do without all of your love and support.
Thank you....
Abi really isn't doing much better since the shunt change, I just can't help but think the tenderness on her head and the lump must mean something. I guess It's one of those times I have to let it play out, If it is something it will get worse if it's not it will be fine...That's a Let Go and Let God thing....

Matti and Abi woke up this morning and it seems like the little colds they have increased by 20 so not too sure if anyone will be going to school today..

I will let you go Thanks again for being on my Team...Love you guys....Tracie

Tuesday, November 7, 2006 9:30 PM CST

Hello everybody.....Today was not one of my favorites..Of course I didn't let God know that because I want another one..

I woke up this morning to Abi saying that her head hurt when she layed on her shunt side and there is a lump there!! Of course that woke me up right away. Sure enough she had a small lump on her shunt hardware on the side of her head almost like it was swollen in that spot..I kept thinking it was a clog of some sort....Shunt malfunction or infection???
So we spent the day getting CT scans and shunt series lots of radiation today. They found nothing really (We didn't see the Dr. so keep that in mind) But the Nurse at N-surg said to watch it and then we went on with our plan to go up on the shunt setting.
On the way home Abi had such bad pain in her arms and shoulders she could hardley stand it. I gave her Valium tonight to try and relax that a little but we will see what tomorrow brings.
I am a little nervous I must say anytime we touch that setting it just feels like you walk on thin ice for a while......Listening for a crack....

Tomorrow I go for my very over-due physical....Yikes...Let me guess I have a lump on my chest my blood pressure is high I've gained weight Skin cancer covering half my body and I may need knee replacements.........Not making fun of these conditions but I'm a little scared to go ..I'm sure I'll hear good news..Ha ha
I have decided to talk with the Doctor about maybe going on a stress help medication..anti-something..sorry Tom cruise hate to disappoint you but It's been a rough year. I don't feel depressed so much I just feel constantly on guard and I can tell that's taking a toll on me. I'm not afraid to share with you guys that I need a little extra help I'm real and this is who I am........God gives us a voice and people to listen for a reason.....

Well that's all I got ..take care and if you need help today ask for it........

My five
1.Abi and how she can spend all day doing medical things and she never complains.
2.Baked Lays and a diet coke.
3.A nice bath after a very long day.
4. Coming home I love it here.
5.People who read this with an open heart instead of a judging one.

Prayers going out to all of the Heros out there....who do what they have to do every single day.

Monday, November 6, 2006 9:30 PM CST

Well once again Monday for me is a day of Action....I'm kind of sick of the distraction theory...So I called Dr. P (N-surg).
The problems Abi is having sure seems like low pressure to me ..Dizziness and headaches in the AM and feels lots better by the afternoon.
He called me back himself (I still get shocked by that ) It was great to talk with him I really like him a lot..We decided to go ahead and turn the shunt up again to see if she is better..I mentioned to him how everyone wants her in school full-time but nobody wants to do anything to get her there...The only problem with going up is we could over shunt her and if that's the case we will be in the ER with a screaming child. There is that chance this will give her that extra that will really make the differance...I think it's worth the risk.
So tomorrow Abi and Kaydee will have flu shots and then we will go to Gilette for a shunt party...wish us luck with that.

My Mom came over today while I went on my "Please do something with my hair day" I really enjoyed it ...I think tomorrow it will really help me to be lighter when I'm doing my water ballet..ha ha..or look good in the ER whatever I'll be doing. It's important to look your best even though you feel like a 70 year old woman in a 40 year old body....

The more I think about the BIG attack that almost happened in the park Sunday the more I realize why we looked so good to that Massive squirrel....It's probably because we are NUTS!!! He could tell that....ha ha

I read this in my daily word and I loved it......."Good is there because God is there".

Take care, prayers going out...
Watch out for squirrels and have a day full of Gods wonderful blessings....Love ya Tracie

My 5
1.Having my hair done
2.Going to rainbow
3.My Hero
4.Kaydee yelling out in the middle of her sleep last night "No Squirrels".
5.Knowing deep deep down inside that things work out because of Gods plan..........

Sunday, November 5, 2006 10:06 PM CST

I have to say today was one of the best "We are almost a regular family " kind of days.
We got up this morning and I made a big family breakfast..then we packed a picnic lunch and went to Como zoo and then to the park to eat....We sat at the picnic table eating our sandwiches and I thought to myself how perfect it all was all of us together laughing and being together .....We haven't had very many days like this ..I needed one..Thanks God......

We did have one moment when we were in fear for our saftey..A giant squirrel (The size of a small cat) came over to our table and kept coming closer like he was going to eat one of the kids....I tossed it a chip and it ate that in two seconds and wanted more a lot more....finally Paul jumped up and saved us all, the massive squirrel ran up the tree and Paul became the Hero of the day...ha ha..The girls started saying "DADDY ..DADDY.. DADDY".

Abi did really pretty good most the day, had some pain on and off (Who would of thought with all that distraction and everything)Anyway I'm not the Doctor so what do I know.......

Tomorrows a big day Thanks to Amy and Kelly..I'm going to get my hair done..It's not that I don't like my full head of gray but I prefer a much younger not so stressed look. Wish me luck on that.

I can't believe that Christmas is almost here. I walk in the store and have a panic attack when I see the trees already.Wasn't it just Easter? I do love Christmas it is my favorite time. Kaydee has been wanting the tree up for weeks, she thinks if the trees there Santa will be there too..I told her after her Birthday on the 15th that we would put it up before Thanksgiving.

Kind of some positive news for a change..We had today and it was great and it's all I needed even if tomorrow stinks...Take the good blessings when they come...

I hope all of you this weekend had a moment or a day that made you smile...

Prayers going out to Paul's Uncle Tom,Steve,Cristina,Anna,Mark,Braydon,Madison,MCAD kids,PJ,Becky,Chiari gang, Moms club,EV,Jean..

Love ya all...Tracie

Thursday, November 2, 2006 9:37 PM CST

Sorry about the time off just needed it...

Today we went off to the pain team meeting and what a trip that was.
I've been sitting here tonight thinking about what made me so angry about the meeting..I finally figured it out...It was the fact that I have been so involved in Abi and her pain that I have had really no time for much else. This Pain has robbed Me and our whole family of so many things I couldn't even list them if I stayed up all night.
So today when The Doctor mentioned that once we get Abi into school full time she will be distracted and the pain will probably be gone.
This is a little girl who when she wishes on a star or throws a coin in the fountain Wishes for no headaches !! Tonight I read her "About Me" book and under the page of hopes and dreams hers said "To have no more headaches and no more surgeries"..And for that Doctor to say that all this time all we needed was a distraction makes me so angry!!!
If it were that easy I would of put up a tent and hired a circus for the back yard....

We also are now on our plan full speed ahead..Back to PT twice a week,Phycologist once a week,pain team every three weeks,A new Dr. to monitor Abi's meds,Massage once a week,Social worker for me to learn relaxation exercises to help Abi,Phycological testing,Urologist to make sure her spinal cord isn't the cause of her bladder problems, Then work on getting her into school full-time.....Anyway I could go on and on....I'm so overwhelmed by all this I can't see
straight.............They want me to get on the "She'll be good as new Bus" and that's because they haven't dealt with us before...I don't mean to be negative but I can't let myself hop on and believe everything will be back to normal, because I've done that so many times. I won't do it again.
Will I go along with this schedule? Sure, but when it falls apart will I be surprised ? No ,not at all.

Tonight Abi was crying and she mentioned to me that all she wants are her pacifiers back (We took them away at age 4).
I told her we all want our pacifiers back that's part of growing up. I thought to myself who wouldn't want That time when life wasn't so complicated and we always felt safe and loved because we didn't know any differant.

Take care everyone and let Gods love remind you that you are safe and loved in this crazy world full of ups and downs....

My five tonight
1.My tolerance with people.
2.My willingness to be a team player.
3.My knowledge that protects me from jumping on the "She'll be good as new bus".
4.A glass of red wine.
5.Pacifiers

Goodnight and God bless...E-mails welcome ...Please!!

Monday, October 30, 2006 10:09 PM CST

I've never been the type of person to believe something is not possible...But the catch to that is ..Is what you're fighting for suppose to be yours?? Does God have different plans?? That's where it gets tricky. Tonight I keep repeating to myself that with Faith the size of a mustard seed you can move mountains...I have that faith....I want to move this mountain....The little train never gave up and he got what he wanted ,he got to the top of the hill....I don't want to go into the details I just had to let that out.

Abi had a good day at school ,I brought her in around 1:00 and after a bad morning of her feeling sick and having headaches she pulled it together and made it....One day done ! She had to go to the nurse for some pain relief after being there for a little while BUT she made it and loved it....Yea team...The Kids and Mrs. C couldn't of welcomed her more it was Great....
When Kaydee and I went to pick the girls up I was walking the halls and saw the other Moms picking up I almost felt like a regular mom. Wow that felt pretty nice for a change, just doing stuff..school mom things.
Tomorrow I go volunteer in Matti's class (I can't wait) and my Mom is going to bring KK up for the parade later. Should be a fun day for everyone.

Well everyone have a great day !! Have a safe Halloween..

I just have to think that ... I know what I want God knows what I need..That's where that Trust word comes into play............Let Go and Let God

My five
1.My courage that tells me not to take "Give up" for an answer.
2.Paul being able to hang out with friends.
3.Those little candy bars that are so small 20 equal 1 regular bar.(Right?)
4.Abi's smile when I picked her up from school.
5.Being a Mom and doing school stuff.

Sunday, October 29, 2006 9:32 PM CST

Well ...Well ...Well this will probably be a long one grab your coffee and get a comfortable chair...or click off that's always an option.
N-surg informed us that they are done for now ..see you in 6 months they said ..have a good Christmas...Okay part of me said Yea!! yipee!! but on the other hand I was saying what about all of this??Dizziness,headpain,stuff???? But then I have to remember we didn't come into this relationship perfect and , well you know the rest.
I guess now it's up to the other Doctors to put together the puzzle and the right combinations to let Abi be able to live the best healthy life...
We go to meet with the pain team on Thursday so hopefully they can put her on something that gives her all day comfort.
Getting Abi to bed tonight was tough she kept crying because she is scared about going to school and being without me. I decided to only send her for a half a day to start with because as I have mentioned Mornings are bad for her. So tomorrow she starts at 1:00. I want her to be okay I want her to have that part of her life back so bad I can taste it...
She kept saying maybe it's too soon, and I had to tell her It will all be alright even though I don't know myself. One day at a time.......One baby step at a time....
Please if you could say a little prayer for her to be okay tomorrow.....

The day before Halloween is a special day for Paul and I , He asked me to marry Him lots of years ago..standing on a stage doing magic tricks dressed like Jack from "Three's Company".
He said to me today that the day was coming "The Day when He destroyed my life forever". I know he was kidding at least I hope He was......Actually when I think about the big picture of it all...This is all I ever dreamed of.....A Husband who loves me and is an amazing father , Three wonderful children, A House that we have made a home..with a place to measure on the wall how the kids grow and just enough room for all of us to fit around our kitchen table together for dinner.
So Paul when you read this, I want to say Thank you ....For giving me everything I ever wanted and if I had a choice to go through it all again ..I would say YES!!!!

My five for tonight
1.My dreams coming true.
2.Kaydee making a playdough pie and putting it in the oven and me not knowing and turning the oven on and finding it 10 minutes later. Yum!!
3.Snow pants and a jacket.
4.A sunny day and moon filled night.
5.Abi going to school.

Prayers going out to Chiari gang,MCAD group,Mom's club,PJ,Becky,Madison,Mark,Braydon, Nichole,all of you that are in my heart......

Today is a Gift!!!

Thursday, October 26, 2006 10:15 PM CDT

Hello....
Tomorrow it's off to N-surg and it's a good thing because I have lots of concerns. Today Abi was so dizzy and had such bad headaches ..Why are we worse now that her shunt is up more???It's probably not working again, that wouldn't surprise me...
Guess what we are going to see another doctor who we haven't been to yet..A pee pee Dr. as I like to call them..Abi is still having bladder issues and Dr. B doesn't want to wait any longer before we get some testing done.
I have to say I was up most the night filled with worry about sending Abi to school..What if? what if?.
E-mailing with her teacher today helped to calm some of the nerves but I'm scared. It's one day though that's it one day...
Matti went back to school today and was sent with her special snack but of course when she got home it looked like she had two crackers..I had to remind her she needs to eat the snack not just hold it. Aunt Amy picked her up from school she was pretty excited about that, she showed up at home chewing mint gum and acting like she was 10..ha ha

That's all I got..I'm so tired I can't even keep my fingers on the right keys..So I think this graceful swan will go to bed....Once again I'm grateful for all the people in my life.....You make such a differance..

My 5
1.When water doesn't go in my nose during water ballet class
2.E-mails..hint hint
3.Being a Mom ( Thats really all I ever wanted to be)
4.People who help others Just because
5.Coffee with a friend

God encourage me
to be joyful,
to be aware that there is so much
to be Thankful for in My world.

Love ya Tracie

Wednesday, October 25, 2006 10:07 PM CDT

I spent most the morning and afternoon at the U with Matti. It was nice to be with her one on one...I love the way she sounds out her letters she does it constantly, she is so excited when she sees a letter and knows it.
Her appt. with the Metabolic Dr. went well Matti is doing good she is growing like she should be and everything seems to be going well. When I shared with the Dr. the guilt I've felt because of being busy with Abi ,she was so kind and told me Matti looks loved and well cared for and you are doing all you need to be doing..That made me feel so good to hear that.
We have to make a few diet changes in order to keep her levels even through the school day but other than that we are okay...

My Mom has been here the last couple of days so the girls have loved it..to be honest even though I have been out a lot it's always so great to have her here , it just makes everything going on seem okay somehow...

A friend of ours dropped off an outfit for Abi's first day of school she was so excited . I'm still working on trying to find something she can eat in the morning when she doesn't feel that great..So far we have mash potato's...

It's been one of those days that I'm constantly reminded of how many wonderful people we have in our corner..God has blessed us that's for sure. Thank you to all of you....

Tomorrow I am home with no appts. so far so I am very happy about that...Friday we had two but I cancelled PT, I need more info about what we are doing before we go any further with that.

Have to go to sleep now I'm done for the day.....LY Tracie

My 5
1. Friends who are there
2. Blessings
3.Matti's good health report
4.New clothes and a smile on the girl's faces
5.Having my Mom around

Someone gave me a card today and it said "Better Days are Ahead"
I believe that .....I really do...God has great things planned for our Family.....For today all we have to do is Stand....

Prayers to all of you that are in my heart..

Tuesday, October 24, 2006 10:05 PM CDT

Sometimes I get sick of hearing myself talk about this situation because I just get so frustrated...I can't imagine you would want to still be along for this ride because it gets so tiresome.
Todays news at the old eye specialist wasn't the greatest, ready for this one, Abi has to have eye surgery not just in one eye but both. Her vision is okay but her eye muscles need a lot of help. So we go back in two months and Dr.P will have the plan for that all figured out..Great Merry Christmas!! Thats all I can say about that from now on I choose to be in complete denial.....Maybe that will work for me.

Matti ended up turning out okay , I kept her home today just to make sure. We go out to the U of M to see her Metabolic Dr. Tomorrow, hopefully just a lot of info but no bad news..

I have to fill out papers to re-enroll Abi for school and have them in by Friday..Monday is still the big day Today I don't think she would of made it. Today she said Mom I'm glad I'm not at school today because I don't feel good mornings are tough for me. I wanted at that very moment to say forget it !! We are not starting!!!! But we are and we will and we will let God show us what we are suppose to be doing...I'm done guessing about it. It's like wondering if you can swim, jump in the lake if you drowned then you'll know you can't right..at least you tried..(please no'one try this)

Well just for today I will keep trusting God and I will keep moving forward with a smile on my face...For today I can handle this.....Faith keeps me strong.....No situation can take that from me.

Prayers going out....Love ya
Tracie

My 5
1.My husband
2.Measuring the girls on our chart and seeing how big they are getting.
3.feeling God's strength so strong inside you it keeps you going...
4.people who care about other people.
5. Water ballet (I must once again say, I'm really quite good at it)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY P.J.

Monday, October 23, 2006 10:12 PM CDT

Well another day at the Big C Ranch........Childrens called this morning and cancelled Abi's PT so that was good. I spoke with my Pain Team person and she kind of said things wrong or it was me not wanting to hear it in a positive way..anyway I have been feeling so much guilt everytime the word school and Abi are mentioned so I made up my mind and she starts on Monday !!! So there .. Do I think she's ready? No,But here's the thing I keep waiting for her to be healed and ya know what I don't think that ship will be sailing by anytime soon. So we have to try to make this work...I talked with her teacher a lot today and with her on our side I think we can do this...
Abi is having a hard time with the thought that I won't be there in case...I'm having a really hard time with that too, I'll probably cry that day until she's back home.....

Matti got off the bus today and was a white as a sheet I haven't seen her look like that in a long time. She told me she threw up on the bus. I of course went into "oh my gosh we are going to the hospital mode" But after talking with her Dr. He said if she can get some glucose in her and doesn't throw up again we don't have to admit her. She seems to be okay for now but you never know what the night brings.

Tomorrow we are off to the eye specialist , I hope to learn whats exactly going on with Abi's eyes...She hates going because of the eye drops but maybe I can bribe her with a Diet coke.

It seems the longer I am not working there seem to be more challanges we face. Again back to that article about that other family, they lost everything because they knew what was most important,It wasn't the stuff it was getting their son well and being a family....They made it work...and everything else fell into place...That's faith.

Take care ...Have faith that God does know what He's doing...

My five
1.people who take the time
2.Family
3.Knowing what matters most
4.Diet coke
5.Abi's teacher, Mrs. Cartwright

Prayers going out to Becky,PJ,Auntie EV, Auntie Jean,Matti,MCAD kids,Chiari club,Moms group,Mark,Madison,Lance,Terry's Mom,Uncle Dick,Braydon,Cristina,Anna, Nichole

If you get a chance checkout www.Baylieforbrains.com that family is amazing....

Sunday, October 22, 2006 10:04 PM CDT

I came across an article in the Sunday paper ,about a couple with a little baby who was sick for a year. It completely turned their world upside down. I loved what the Dad had to say now that their son is better.....Eric: It's amazing how things are turning around. I hope everyone can experience this: That Moment when everything turns around.

I carried that article around with me reading it over and over. I want that, I want to feel that !! I want that moment that feeling that you can breathe for a while.
Sometimes I really believe that things are changing and somehow making sense but then the catch comes in like when people tell you the good news and then the word BUT comes in to ruin the whole thing. I will keep this article and I will keep the hope that I will have my moment of when things turn around.......

Friday we went to PT and to tell you the truth Abi is not doing well with it. She enjoys it but by the time we leave she is always in so much pain .
We went to see Dr. B afterwards and by the time we saw him she had a bad headache and couldn't move her neck. I think they are doing too much too soon and Abi is paying the price for it.
We are suppose to go again tomorrow so I think I will call the team and see what we should do. We don't see N-surg until Friday I'll have a big page of thoughts for them ...Lots of concerns.
I'm glad we will be seeing her eye specialist this week I think the eyes can show a lot of stuff, I want to know why she is having trouble seeing and what makes her eyes all of a sudden go fuzzy??? That appt. is Tuesday.

We did have a fun time at a Halloween party this weekend the girls loved getting dressed up Paul and I did too..Hopefully we will get some pictures for you, sorry about the delay our camera is having some issues.

Hope you had a good weekend and your week ahead is full of blessings......
Take care Love ya Tracie

Todays 5
1.Moms
2.Friends
3.Faith and trust in God that tomorrow will be better.
4.The way Kaydee looked tonight curled up in a blanket asleep on the couch.
5.E-mails

Lots of prayers going out........

Thursday, October 19, 2006 10:14 PM CDT

Well tonight we have a couple little broken hearts at our house...Abi's betta fish "rainbow" has died and gone to that big fish tank in the sky. She had rainbow a little over four years.
Abi must of cried for three hours and she was crying so hard it made Matti cry too. Abi told me that it feels like she has a small hole in her heart now.

Paul came home early from work because he didn't feel well He didn't look well either. I really think there should be a "Mens Camp" for them to go when they are sick. I'll work on that...ha ha

Tomorrow it's off to PT with Abi and hopefully we will get to see Dr. B too, Abi has been having bad pain in her left ear so I would like it checked out before the weekend. So many issues so little time.

Tonight I had water ballet( Thats what I like to call it) I really enjoy it I feel so graceful in the water, like a little mermaid..ha ha..Amy thinks I should be the poster child for the class..what an honor that would be..

A friend of mine loaned me his Rascal Flatts CD and one of the songs on there has really hit me ..I know you probably hate when I put words of songs on here but this song reminds me of what a lot of us go through ..It could be the Moms club theme song..Or the song about life in general...

Stand (Rascal Flatts)

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright

When push comes to shove
you taste what you're made of
you might bend 'til you break
cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands,shake it off
Then you Stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what your given before it's gone
And start holdin'on, keep holdin' on

Every time you get up and get back in the race
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place

Then you stand......

Have a good weekend
LY Tracie

Prayers for the Chiari group, MCAD kids,PJ,Mark,Braydon,Paul,EV,Terrys Mom,Jean,Becky,Nichole,Madison,Moms club,All those little peanuts who struggle...

Wednesday, October 18, 2006 10:22 PM CDT

I'm really having a hard time with this journal right now...
I think I have too much stuff floating around in my head and it makes putting it into words hard.

Abi is having a little more of a difficult time right now, they turned her shunt up and she has gotten worse. That makes no sense to me, we are going up because she has low pressure ?? I called N-surg and they said to come in tomorrow and they could turn it down a little, maybe it was turned up too fast??? They wanted us to come in at 8:30..I said No that we would wait it out until next Friday. She said are you sure you want to wait? All that did was make me a little uneasy like we will probably be in the ER sometime soon..But then the Doctor in me took over and I said No we will be fine !! I am so tired of the word SHUNT!!! I could scream...It's up It's down....What the heck is it doing anyway besides malfunctioning and making us go into surgery all the time. Okay I'm done.

I've been looking up a lot about Matti's disorder "MCAD" It scares me to read about it and the articles about all the parents who lost children because of it.
We have an appt. with the Metabolic specialist next week so I have several questions for Her. I just feel like I have to get back in that game to do the very best I can for Matti. I've been so busy playing nurse for Abi I just want to make sure I'm not slacking as far as what I'm suppose to do for Matti and her illness.

I Thank God that so far Kaydee is healthy, I almost believe that she will end up with something. I hope not but what are the odds??

Well, it's past my bedtime and I think I've bored you enough for one day....I'm just emotional these days ....Lots of stuff to figure out.....Thanks for checking in..Take care....Love ya

My five
1.Newborn screenings
2.Friends and coffee
3.quilt making
4.Healthy children
5.Candles on cloudy nights

Prayers going out ..Terry's Mom, My Aunts Jean and EV,Pauls Uncle Dick,MCAD kids,Chiari gang,Moms group,Braydon,Mark,Anna,Cristina,PJ,Nichole,All the little peanuts who have to face illness.........................

Monday, October 16, 2006 10:03 PM CDT

Today was a busy one full of fun filled activity. Abi did really well with her appts. I even spent a while talking with our social worker, when she asked how I was doing I couldn't help but have tears fill my eyes. I told her I just constantly feel overwhelmed, I'm suppose to be a full-time nurse,
Mother and wife and then our Family is slowly but sure sinking because I don't have a job. On top of that I constantly hear "Is she ready to go back to school"? How is she doing? Does her head hurt worse in the morning? Is her shunt working? Blah Blah Blah, be at these appts and pay for parking ..Really it just never ends. Have you ever been to the taffy booth at the fair...Thats me.
The good news is (I always like to have a bright side) At night when I talk to God I just know I mean I Know He will take care of me and my Family. I pray once again for Him to take the wheel because I can't do it on my own......I have figured out the saying "God doesn't give you more then you can handle". Here's the deal ,God doesn't give us bad stuff..He helps us through so He's not the dealer right? Think about that and get back to me....

PT went well for Abi she got pretty tired, I never realized how weak her arms are until I saw her do some of the exercises. They sent us home with homework stuff that she has to do everyday....10 sit-ups,20 back stretches,walking around the block for 15 minutes. She goes back for PT again Friday.
Matti is doing okay coughing a bunch tonight so I will make the call tomorrow about school, all I know is I don't want her going into the hospital so I tend to be a little cautious.

My Five
1. My wonderful Husband who works his tail off and never complains.
2.Abi I'm so glad she was born,Matti who is a gift,Kaydee who lights up our house with her smile.
3.Our Home,I remember the first time I ever walked in I knew it was where we belonged.
4.The strength and direction I get from God.
5.My friends who constantly remind me that they have my back.

No matter how my day may go I ask God for another and I Thank Him for the one I was given.......Goodnight LY

Prayers going out...
Terri's Mom
Uncle Dick
Auntie Ev
The usual gang

Sunday, October 15, 2006 10:04 PM CDT

Well the "Idiot" as I like to call myself these days , Is back.
Yes my finger is doing a lot better and because of my Doctor knowledge I've decided to remove my brace from my finger. I just couldn't stand it anymore it hurt worse with it on.
Since I haven't had any calls to hand model I think I'll be okay going through life with it no matter how it grows back.

I must say me and pain do not get along ,I did not like being the patient. I'm so used to being the one who handles the pain situations,being the one having it is a whole differant eye opening experience.
I learned that I'm a control freak (shocker) It was hard asking and depending on others to do your daily things. I know now that I need to ask for help more I can't be this super woman too much longer , that is why I feel I'm having accidents It's the stress (Another shocker).

When we got the news about Abi I was happy but on the other hand I wasn't as happy as I thought I would be.
I thought a lot about it and came to the conclusion that It just doesn't seem to be over or even close for us, Abi is still having pain ,good days bad days, leg numbness, dizziness, and bladder issues. I do take the blessing and I'm thankful but on the other hand It's still a struggle for all of us right now. It's like living your life in a boat your happy when the waters calm but you also know the waves are going to return, then you just hold on and pray your way through until the clamness returns.
But the good news is there is no surgery on the calendar right now and I thank God for that.

As far as this pretty wife Paul mentioned while taking over the CB page , If anyone knows who she is let me know..ha ha
He couldn't of been talking about me in my lovely selection of sweatpants no make-up and strung out on pain pills.....I have also decided after my near death experience (okay it was just my finger but it sounds more dramatic) I am going to be nicer to Paul. I'm still going to guide Him but I'm going to be a nicer dictator...

Matti is sick seems to have a cold with a throat thing going on so I will probably keep her home tomorrow.
Monday starts the appt. schedule for Abi we have three tomorrow and then a couple more towards the end of the week, at least they are all at childrens MPLS that helps. The N-surg gang said to make sure they don't work her neck too much we don't want to make things go in a bad direction now that we are starting to dig out a little.

I must say Thank you again for all the prayers and for the support..I do believe in the Grace of God and the power of prayer , know you made a differance !!!

Prayers going out to you all who have "Stuff"..take my advice slow down a little ,ask for help once in a while and watch out for sissors and falling BBQ sauce bottles...

Glad to be back with ya..E-mail me so I know your there..LOVE YA Tracie

My 5
1.When life stops you so you can re-group
2.Friends and good wine
3.fingers
4.My Husband,children,Mom,Family
5.Pumpkins

Friday, October 13, 2006 6:36 AM CDT

Today Abi is going in to have her shunt adjusted. She has been having more headaches lately. Tracie went back to the Doctor and found out she has a hairline fracture along with the crushed bone in the top of her pinky. They gave her a smaller splint for her finger. The bad thing is, she has more pain again. The good thing is, the smaller splint freed up her other fingers, and starting Monday, the pulitzer prize winning author Tracie, should be back to her journal entries.

hopefully there may be some new picture added tho this site this weeekend. I will do my best.

Have a good weekend everyone.

todays top 5

TGIF
TGIF
TGIF
TGIF
TGIF

Later,
Paul

Wednesday, October 11, 2006 1:22 PM CDT

I have a half day today so I can come home and take care of lefty. Brrrrrrrrrrrrr what a cold day. And this is just the beginning. Matti is off to school. I don't get to see her get on the bus very often, so that was kind of cool to see. Abi is doing homework, her tutor is coming today.
I am supposed to send a message out to you from Tracie. "Send flowers and Chardonay." Ha Ha Ha. Man, is she milking this finger thing or what? She still does have some pain and I looked at her finger without the splint on it. It is purple and has a loveley bend in it. There is probably a broken bone behind the crushed bone. The clinic is sending her x-rays to some specialist to take a look at them.
gotta get back to Princess Tracie and my "chores"

Today's top 5
(just for guys)
sports
beer
video games
power tools
pretty wives

later,
Paul

Tuesday, October 10, 2006 3:55 AM CDT

Well, it's day 4 since "the break". I think it's interesting that last Friday, we got the break we were waiting for with Abi, and the break we didn't want with Tracie. Anyway, our southpaw is doing a little better, thanks to her Mom being here while I am at work. I broke my finger once, but I did not crush the bone. I can't imagine how that feels.
Abi is doing OK. She still gets dizzy though. She is enjoying her tutor coming out. Abi just loves to learn. Next step, do I dare say school? We'll see.
Halloween is around the corner and the girls are in a costume frenzy. It take everything to keep them out of there costumes. Matti is the little mermaid and walks around with a red wig on. Kaydee is Belle from Beauty And The Beast. We have to hide that one or it would be trashed before trick or treating. Instead, she gets into last years witch costumes and runs around the house. Thank goodness we haven't got Abi's yet. She wants to be a "Pop Star". I don't think I could live with one of the Cheetah Girls.
Thanks for all the prayers and sending prayers out to the usual gang. Keep the email coming. Tracie can't type, but she still enjoys reading them. Gotta go now. I'm bringing my parents to the airport. They are going to Nova Scotia.

Today's 5
the power of prayer
freinds that bring meals
peanut butter cups
diet mountain dew
Mr. Walt Disney
Tracie's Mom

Later,
Paul

Sunday, October 8, 2006 3:35 PM CDT

Right now, all I can tell you is that the house is quiet. I know. That's unbelievable. Matti is on an errand with Gail/Moo Moo, Kaydee is watching a movie in her room and get this: Tracie and Abi are taking a nap!
Just to show you how much pain Tracie is in, she has taken 4 naps in the last 2 days. Her finger pain and her medicine are wiping her out. I have never seen Tracie even take 1 nap since I have known her.
Abi seems to be doing OK. Now,I just need her to stop talking for a few minutes. Sleep is still hard to come by, but that's OK. We just need my lovely wife to get better. I have to say, doing mommy daddy duty is trying on my nerves. I make a much better daddy than mommy. Tracie says I stress her out while she's watching me do the stuff she normally does.

So anyway, when I started this entry Tracie was asleep. It's now 4:00 and nap time is over. A phone call and our little monster, I mean daughter, Kaydee took care of that.

Today's top 5
Viking's defence
Free Showtime
Family and freinds
Little monsters. Sorry,I meant girls
My finger cutting, pinky crushing, beautiful wife

Later,
Paul

Saturday, October 7, 2006 7:14 AM CDT

Good morning everyone. It's Paul.
Paul? you say. Why is he writing in the journal today? I'll get to that shortly. First the good news. It is official. Doctor P said Abi's syrinx has shrunk qite a bit. This means we are heading in the right direction. We are optomistic but still cautious. Thank you for praying for a little miracle for us. It worked!
Now the bad news. Yesterday, Tracie was opening the kitchen cupboard when a jar of bbq sauce fell out and crushed the bone in her little finger. She is in a tremendous amount of pain. Looks like the journal entries will be up to me for the next few weeks so be patient.
Speaking of patient, Tracie is the best wife and caregiver in the world. However, she, like myself, does not make a very good patient. Thank goodness for Gail and Amy. There is something about the power of Mommy and a girlfreind that I just can't measure up to. Must be a testosterone/estrogen clash of some kind.
Don't get me wrong. I love my wife and I wouldn't trade her for a Xbox 360 and a LCD TV right now. Wait, let me think about that. Just Kidding. It's MY patience that needs to be worked on, not hers. I need to be more calm and caring right now. I need to be Dr. Paul. We need lot's of prayers of healing for my beautiful wife please.
Anyway, I'm on my 3rd cup of coffee right now. I don't know how Tracie gets up that many time in a night and still function and look good. Keep the emails coming, we appreciate them.
Prayers going out to the usual gang.
Today's top 5
1 coffee
2 Gail
3 Amy
4 pain medecine
5 this web page

Bye for now.
Paul

Thursday, October 5, 2006 6:27 PM CDT

Just wanted to give an update....The meeting with the pain team went so great. It was such a good idea to go meet with them.
They will be seeing Abi a lot at first 4-5 times a week that will include PT,OT, seeing her psychologist and figuring out medications that might work for her. We will also be getting a Bio-feedback machine to hook up to our computer at home.
Abi is excited because part of her PT will be in the pool !!!
We will start with all this in a couple weeks. They want to be aggressive (if it is of course approved by N-surg) Because they feel it is time Abi goes to school and gets her life back...Amen to that....

It's not official but, I could of seen something that said her syrnix has gotten smaller 7mm from 11mm. Would that not just be the greatest !!! The Miracle could be here and I'm gonna answer the door when it knocks let me tell you !!!
We will hopefully find out tomorrow..Until Dr. P looks me in the eyes and says she's better I'm not going to jump for joy yet...But I have a really good feeling that we may for once be heading in a healthy direction....Thanks for your prayers...

So for tonight I feel good...and just for today it feels GREAT!!!!

Love ya

My 5
1. The power of prayer
2.The pain team
3.7mm instead of 11mm
4.Knowing we are not alone
5.The girls running around in witches hats

UPDATE..........We went to see the N-surg team , not so sure they were as excited as we were still thinking the syrnix is about the same but they are going to study the scans better and talk to us later. Her low pressure seems to still be a factor but they are not going to turn her shunt up more because of the syrnix..But I still look at this as good !! we are at least heading in a little better direction. We don't have a surgery date set..Thats positive !!!!
Thanks for checking in have a great and safe weekend..LY Tracie

Wednesday, October 4, 2006 10:32 PM CDT

I can't thank all of you enough for your prayers and support..Thank you..we feel blessed.

All I can report is Abi had her MRI it took two and a half hours...They wouldn't give me any details believe me I asked..I just wanted to know something , I asked the nurse if she heard someone yell "look at the size of that syrnix".
She laughed and said No, but if it were an emergency we would know...Well thats good news..I wasn't even thinking about that.
Abi took a while to come out of the sleepy medicine , she was yelling a lot and crying. Finally when she did wake up the nurse noticed her left eye wasn't right and it was really hurting her...They called the eye doctor in ,who happens to be in the same building and somehow she had a big scratch on her Cornea , how it got there we dont know..So now that poor little sweetie has to wear an eye patch and have eye antibiotics for three days. Then of course we have to follow up with the eye Doc next week.....I'm sure everyone goes in for an MRI and leaves with an eye patch..

Tomorrow its off to see the pain team and then Friday Gillette...I will let you know what I find out.....I was given the disk but when I put it in our computer I couldn't see it very well too dark...They must of known I was going to try and look at it..ha ha

Take care love ya..Thanks again for all your e-mails it was so Great!!!

Monday, October 2, 2006 9:25 PM CDT

I have to start by saying "WAY TO GO JODI" she finished the race for Team Christopherson..Thank you to all the people who supported her and Us !!
Another "Way To Go " for Amy,Katherine and Steve!!! You guys rock...

Well tomorrow is a huge day here at the Christopherson house...The Little Mermaid comes out on DVD !!! We are all pretty excited..(Not sure about Paul)

We have a full week of yuck...Today Abi had to have a physical because on Wed. she will be having a full brain and spine MRI.
It will take a good two hours so they will put her out first.
This is the scan we have been waiting for,the one that could change everything....
They will look to see if our syrnix has gotten larger or smaller..
It's all up in the air I really don't have a guess either way. Some days I think it has to be better but then I get slapped in the face with the screaming pain and the not so better stuff.
If I thought it would help I would beg God , I would say please let her be healing Please give that little girl a break.
I can deal with anything but not that surgery....I would ask for a miracle because I think thats what it's going to take.
If the Gumball (Thats what Abi calls it) Is smaller there are hopes of going to school soon and having a life thats put back together little by little. We have been in this holding pattern so long ..Really all I can do is nothing, there isn't anything I can do that will change the scans...I can pray a lot....You can too if you want...Lots of prayers welcome..Can you e-mail me and let me know you're doing it? Thanks...

Thursday we meet with the new "Pain Team" at childrens hospital we go there at 8:00 am and we will probably be done around 2:00 I just feel it can't hurt to have them on our team. Dr. B got us in so we will go and see what they have to say.
Friday we are suppose to go see the N-surg team but hopefully our visit Wed. after the scans will be enough. I hope they turn her shunt up more so her headpain is better.Heck I don't even know if that will do it???

Abi is getting along with her home teacher she really enjoys her visits. Plus it gives me an hour to think ......

Tomorrow is picture day and of course Matti will wear pink. Is there any other color? She wanted to wear her Cheetah girl leotard outfit, but I said I didn't think with the red cowgirl skirt it would be allowed.

Thanks for being here and have a great week.....

My 5
1.Nachos
2.Water Ballet (my class tomorrow)
3.Miracles
4.Jodi and all the people who gave their support to help us
5.Aunt Amy and her babysitting skills

Prayers going out to Angela (Happy Bday), Becky,Mark,Madison,The Ekstroms,Abi,Steve,Ev,Braydon,Cristina,Anna,Chiari group,MCAD kids,

Live this day like you want another one.....

Love ya Tracie

Thursday, September 28, 2006 9:49 PM CDT

Today was one of those days I don't wish to repeat again....

Abi woke up not feeling well as always but to add some fun she had screaming headpain on and off and then was throwing up.

I called N-surg and was pretty worked up BUT the nurse called back and assured me it was probably just a virus of some sort.If I had a dime for everytime I heard "It's not the SHUNT", I would of had my new washer and dryer already.

As you can probably guess that didn't sit too well with me, I have never seen a virus that gives you screaming head pain on and off for several hours..Oh well you're the professional not me..I let it go...

As the day progressed the head pain got better but the stomach issues are still a concern. I'm going to call Dr. B because everything inside me feels something is not right. I refuse to believe it is just a virus..For one our family doesn't get normal stuff a virus would be too simple there has to be more to it. Who has bathroom problems for a week ? I looked up Bowel control loss because I know that was mentioned as a possible side affect of her cyst.

Anyway I'm not feeling too positive tonight because Abi is really having a tough time..she was afraid to go to sleep in fear of having accidents. I just feel so bad for her and I want to make this all right some how.I even asked Paul to just look at her because I just needed someone else to agree with me.

Tonight I pray for God to lead me where I need to be to help Abi..Show me what to do God Please !!!! I get so tired of trying to always figure this stuff out, it's like a big puzzle that never fits together right.....

Tonight I pray for those families like ours that always have to play the Doctor game.....

Five things
1.My cheerleading squad
2.When Abi's headpain stops
3.Being able to talk to God at night before I go to sleep
4.Friends
5.Doctors who listen to Moms

Love ya Tracie

Wednesday, September 27, 2006 10:17 PM CDT

Abi had her first class with her tutor and it went well, she had to stop now and then because her eyes went fuzzy but she held up better then I thought.
Once again she feels pretty bad in the morning but better by afternoon. Stomach problems are still a big issue, she is in the bathroom a lot. She is pretty bothered by it too almost to the extreme.
I'm trying not to get worked up about stuff and I'm just taking it a day at a time..If she gets worse I'll pick up the Red phone and make the call..ha

I heard in my meeting tonight a quote from A. Lincoln...."People are as happy as they make up their minds to be".
I like that ...

How could I not feel positive with all the wonderful people God has put in my life. Face it I'm Blessed . Thanks for all the support you give us.....Please keep sending E-mails I love to get them....Take care, have a day filled with Blessings tomorrow.

Prayers going out and Hugs too.....Love ya Tracie

Five things..
1.WW
2.My Home
3.Having rose colored glasses when you need them
4.Rascal Flatts
5.My new allergy to sweets of any kind and anything deep fried.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006 10:11 PM CDT

I have decided to start taking care of me again and thanks to my friend Amy I am now in a water aerorobics class. Tonight was our first class and I must say I'm pretty good ,I look like a graceful swan, I'm seriously considering doing water ballet.
Ha Ha those of you who know me are laughing right now for sure..actually I looked more like someone struggling to stay on an air mattress.But it was fun and it was nice to get out and do something positive just for me.
Along the same lines I will be returning to WW tomorrow I have gained at least 5 pounds back out of the 25 lost , but I'm going back because it made me feel good to go and again it's just for me...I also loved our leader Judy she is an amazing gift to this world let me tell you she makes you want to be healthier.......

Abi had a really good day today lots of stomach problems though wasn't sure if it was a touch of the flu or what.
She is mainly having headpain in the mornings and early afternoon by evening she is pretty good.
Leg issues seem to be getting worse she told Paul tonight that they feel like they are going to give out on her sometimes when she walks.
Good news The N-surg team called and said because of the stomach issues I can stop her medicine !!! That worked out well considering I had already done that...Sometimes my Doctor mind just works a little faster then the other Doctors..ha ha

Well because of all the marker Kaydee woke up this morning and looked like a blue smurf. I put her in the tub and it still wouldn't come off..Then I caught her in the kitchen with eggs !! She told me she was going to make breakfast..Oh my.....She keeps me busy but she also keeps me laughing.

Matti seemed to have a good day at school but she is still a little clingy...I enjoy it though because usually she's not.
I E-mailed her teacher and that helped put my mind at rest a little hearing back from her...

Well this SWAN is going to bed to try and get my usual 3 good hours of sleep..If you have anytime during the day that you're feeling blue picture me doing water aerorbics that should cheer you right up....

Prayers going out ......

five things..
1. Deep pools
2.Blue markers
3.People who take care of other people
4. The other swan tonight Amy
5.Time just for me

Love ya guys.....

Monday, September 25, 2006 10:10 PM CDT

I can honestly say my Monday didn't go too bad. Abi had some headaches early on and then as the day went on she felt a lot better. I decided to stop Abi's medicine a little early just for the fact that she was having trouble taking it this morning. I know here I go again playing Doctor. But in my Doctor opinion I feel she will feel so much better without it.
Her eyes are still doing strange things they even look a little small, she says it looks like things are one place then they are in another..You can figure that one out.

I spent the day staying in the positive,welcoming the good that my life has to offer. Did pretty good, not going to say the entire day was roses I hit a couple thorns here and there, I didn't say I was perfect I said I was going to try.

Feeling a little Mother guilt, Abi said Matti told her she didn't want to go to school.. When I asked Matti about it she said things are hard and she has trouble with the letter game.
Of course I started blamming myself because her life has been on the back burner for a long time..I know I have always given her lots of love but it's other things ,I feel I should of prepared her more for school.All I can do is whats ahead of me so I will be there for her and help her the best I can right now. I pray she falls in place and builds the confidence she needs.

Tonight bedtime was a little crazy so I'm running around and talking to a friend of mine on the phone and all of a sudden Kaydee comes in the kitchen and raises her shirt and I had to laugh, she had gotten hold of a permanent marker and had a face on her belly with a big smile and big eyes and her belly button was the nose.....she yelled "surprise"...
I couldn't of asked for a better way to end my day.....

The wonderful thing about God is He knows what we need and when .....Thank you God.

My five things
1.Kaydee
2.Teachers
3.Coffee from a friend
4.When matti holds me tight
5.Life and It's many "Surprise" moments

Love you all..
Prayers going out to Nichole and the Ekstrom family,Ev,Becky, Chiari gang,Moms club,MCAD kids,Braydon,Peanuts everywhere ,Mark,Madison,

Love Ya.... Peace out

Sunday, September 24, 2006 10:02 PM CDT

Last night I had a much needed long talk with God, I shared my fears and concerns about the struggles of our life and I also asked Him to help me to focus on the good.
It seems I have gotten into a pattern of just" being "and taking the hits without thinking maybe next time It will not happen that way.
I honestly think I'm welcoming the negative and not expecting better.
I need to give God a reason to give me another day ! And I just don't feel I've been doing that.
So thats where I am........

Abi is doing pretty well, her appt. went as planned they were able to turn up her shunt so now she has a little more fluid upstairs.
They did say to watch for leaking..If in fact there is more surgery would probably be the next step for that. I'm happy to report we are dry so far.
They said she would continue the medicine for another week then we can stop. Her headaches have been a little better but she still has them. Her eyes are not right and I'm not sure what is going on there, she is always feeling like someone is pushing down on them. Leg pain still bad at night but she has been able to sleep.
We are in no means out of the woods but I'm just taking it a day at a time and I'm asking God to just keep showing me the way.

Paul has a physical tomorrow I wonder if the Doctor will say that he's showing signs of stress??? Hopefully everything else will check out okay.

Abi will start home school again on Tuesday we have a new teacher she seems really great..I will be so glad when she can be at school where I know she wants to be so badly...I just have to believe we will get there....

Five things tonight are..
1. Having friends come over
2.Having a God that listens
3.Paul
4.The way Lola sleeps on the top part of the couch cushion without falling off
5.Blessings

Goodnight ..Have a riding in a pickup windows down nice breeze listening to country music kind of day....
Yee Haw !!!!

Prayers going out to all of you.....

Saturday, September 23, 2006 7:51 AM CDT

Have a good weekend.................

Thursday, September 21, 2006 9:51 PM CDT

There were three of us at childrens Hospital who kind of were in a secret Club, we would talk and joke together even though most the time we had so much on our plate.
We helped each other get through and thats why I feel God put us together.
I remember meeting the "Laundry Lady "she would walk back and forth to do laundry on our floor because the washer on hers was always broken, She had the brightest smile. We would laugh and talk and try to feel normal even if it was for a short time.
Then there was who I call "BRA" , we met on Ash Wed. we were in one of the parent lounge rooms at the hospital wanting to hear or feel something that might make where we were not seem so bad. With ashes on our face we met and right away We hit it off. I really don't think I would of kept my sanity all those months in the Big house without her. We always said that the Laundry Lady was much nicer then us but we would let her in the club anyway....

I can honestly say I have never met such strong woman, the way they struggled everyday taught me a lot. It makes me so sad to know that both of their children are gone now.

I look back and think how can this be. It's differant to be the one left, I can't describe how it feels. All I know is it's sad that this is how it is. I almost catch myself waiting for bad things to happen, don't get me wrong we have been blessed by so many things but like I said before there has been so much in such a short time and I think after a while it catches up with you.

Have you ever noticed depending on where you are in life at the time Fall can either be very cozy and comfortable or it can be cold and dark...I just really want cozy and comfortable..I want to make that happen.

Tonight I will pray that God helps me process everything and let it find a place , not to be forgotten but just to be okay.
No'one said life was going to be easy right? But did anyone ever really explain when we started that it could be this tough?
The funny thing is knowing how competitive I am I would of taken the challenge anyway.
Like Pastor Glenn said to me a couple years ago, "God didn't promise you life would be roses but He did promise to walk through the thorns with you". Thank you God I must say I'm glad you're there.

I just hope tomorrow they can help Abi to feel a little better..We are tired of being on house arrest...

five things tonight...
1.All of you
2. The Laundry Lady and Bra
3.God
4.This journal
5.Flowers and Soup on a cloudy day.

Love ya ...Prayers go out to The Ekstrom Family,Bauer Family,Breen Family,

Cristina hope you feel better, Becky hope you're up and dancing soon, Madison,Braydon,Chiari group,Mark,MCAD Gang, Moms club,Ev,All the peanuts out there...

Have a good and safe weekend...Tracie

Wednesday, September 20, 2006 8:36 PM CDT

I'm so Thankful for all of you........Taking a couple days off to re-group..Love ya

Tuesday, September 19, 2006 10:01 PM CDT

I was reminded yesterday that children die, not that I forgot that painful fact but the reality of it is hard for me to take.
It's funny because no matter how strong of a faith you have or how many prayers reach God your child can still be taken away.

Our week health wise has been going okay, Abi is having a couple issues with her legs and bladder. She still has no real appetite I give her snacks during the day to try and get her to eat but she just feels sick most of the time. It was really hard for her to lay flat today so she was up a little more, I hope we don't pay for that tonight.

As far as my infected finger goes....I had to make a return visit to the clinic yesterday because the infection started to spread to my hand and it was pretty painful. The Doc changed my medicine and said if that didn't make it better by tomorrow I was suppose to check into the hospital for IV treatments. Good news is it is better today !!

Matti has been having some stomach pain, unsure what that is about but we go see her metabolic Dr. in a couple weeks. School seems to be going well she loves it, having to iron out a couple friendship issues but she's doing good.

Paul is holding up pretty well...Football season is a good distraction for him.
I think we are both just tired of the "Stuff" I pray for some calmness in all this storm. We both get up put our shoes on and keep walking that's all we can do right now.
Sometimes you just can't fight life you can yell and say enough !!! Or cry your eyes out and feel sorry for yourself but when the day is done and when we are all home together and tucked in bed and safe...I'm Thankful and I ask God to give me another day....

Prayers for the Ekstrom Family, The Breen Family,
prayers for Chiari group,Moms club,MCAD gang,EV,Becky,Mark,Madison,Braydon,

Five Things...
1.MY Family
2.Love from friends
3.E-mails..please send some
4.How Lucky I was to know Sophia
5.My faith in God that helps me to have hope that things will get better....

Love ya....Be kind to each other

Tracie

Monday, September 18, 2006 9:54 PM CDT

Tonight , Sophia one of the strongest little girls I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, decided not to fight it anymore and be at peace.
Please pray for the Ekstrom family and hold them in your hearts .

Thank you
Tracie

Please also keep the Breen family in your prayers

Sunday, September 17, 2006 9:30 PM CDT

FOR SALE..NICE TWO BEDROOM HOUSE ...MUST SELL FAST BECAUSE OF SERIOUS MEDICAL CURSE....

Okay, last night was a very painful one not for Abi but for me. I had to take my stiches out because they hurt pretty bad. So Paul and I cafefully removed them and as the night went on my finger hurt so bad I could feel it swelling up. This morning when I woke up my hand and finger looked like a surgical glove that someone had blown up.
I ended up going to Urgent care with my Mom and saw Dr. Dolittle. Who informed me it was infected and it looked bad ! It's nice to know I too can get a medical degree from a box of lucky charms. Anyway I was shocked how could something so un-lucky happen to me? Ha Ha , Why on earth would I think that it would'nt get infected I should of started the medicine the minute I cut my finger. My new approach assume the worst !!

Abi had an okay weekend she doesn't feel too great most the time so it's not too hard to keep her laying down. Her friend came over today and that was nice for her, she was in the living room laughing so that was good to hear.

Well so now we wait until Friday again then we go in and give it another shot. Abi's tutor was going to start Monday but if she can't read and can't sit up I think we will wait until next week.

I want to be clear I may assume the worst right now but I also appreciate the blessings...God has great plans for me ....hopefully it doesn't involve losing a finger...I do feel like I get a lot thrown at me..like I always say the tennis ball machine just keeps pumping them out and all I have to do is keep swinging..Never thought those machines could hold so many, Oh well.................

Prayers for all of you who are hitting those Tennis balls everyday and not giving up!!!!Love ya ...Tracie

Saturday, September 16, 2006 8:21 AM CDT

Abi felt better yesterday after she woke up..Glad we didn't make the trip to the ER.
We went to Gillette and of course got news we didn't want, Abi is still leaking CFS and they can't touch her shunt until that stops. They also said to watch for signs of infection and they are keeping her on the Med that causes her to have more low pressure pain then she already is.
The bad news for her is she has to lay flat even more than she was ..No little trips outside just laying down for another week.
So she has to feel sick to her stomach,have blurry vision and headpain...GREAT!! She was pretty upset by the news. I think she is pretty tired of all this.
Have a good weekend..love ya

Thursday, September 14, 2006 9:15 PM CDT

Abi and I woke up this morning and we both looked a little rough around the edges.
The morning progressed and I had 4 cups of coffee and chased it with sudafed and Abi Juice. she ended up not holding down a pill very well (you get the idea) but after that our day went a little better then expected.
Abi and the girls moved into the bedroom so I could somehow clean up the temporary getting well area , I put in the Dixie Chicks CD and instantly I was healed of my cold...It's a miracle.....
Anyway, Abi did go outside for a little bit today and My Mom came over so I could run to the store. It felt so good to be out for a little while.
As I have learned in this game called life it can change in a second and of course it did. Paul grilled burgers and the next thing I know Matti is crying because all of a sudden she doesn't like hamburgers, Kaydee started going off too because she wanted to stay outside ,Abi wasn't hungry then Lola was in pain because she couldn't poop ...To make a long nightmare story short....Paul ended up having to take Lola to the vet,Matti finally ate but doesn't feel good she now has a cold ,Kaydee is just a three year old and for me I took another sudafed but chased it with something stronger than coffee.

Around bedtime Abi was having thoughts she was going to die again, she kept saying I'm not breathing right and sometimes it feels like someone is pushing on my chest..My neck hurts and my head..I took it all in and then advised her to try and sleep...What else do I say I'm as scared as she is!!!
I hate this ...Just for the record, I pray for a time when I'm going to urgent care with an ear infection......
I always feel lately like I have no idea whats going on ..Totally in the dark..
Tomorrow we go to see the N-surg team who knows what will come out of that I've stopped guessing. If we do what we are suppose to they will turn her shunt up a little then take some films to make sure it's working. Anyone want to place bets??

The good news is God is still working in our lives everyday and to that I am so Thankful. When I do take the time to think about all our many blessings I do smile...There are so many wonderful people in our lives and they have made such a differance in all this...Thank you

So tonight I will pray for God to be with us tomorrow and guide us, I will let His will be done.....I trust Him and I know He will not let me down....Of course I may have to remind myself of this a couple times but deep down I believe it.

5 things..
1.The Dixie Chicks
2.Sudafed
3.Getting out of the house
4.People who stop by to brighten my day
5.Breathing in and out

Prayers going out to Cristina,Anna,Baylie, All the Chiari gang,The Moms club,Braydon,Sophia,Mark,Madison,My Aunt Ev,Becky,

Love ya ..sorry it was a long one.....Tracie

UPDATE..............
Abi had a really bad night probably the most headpain I have seen her have. She started screaming around 11:00 and stopped and fell asleep at 2:30. I was dressed and had the ER Docs ready but then I decided to wait because she felt so sick. Keep her in your prayers today ..Thank you

Wednesday, September 13, 2006 8:21 PM CDT

Short but sweet.....
Abi is still leaking CFS so they put her on a med. to dry her up..Bad news last time she took it things got pretty ugly. I feel like I might be in for a long night.

Yes my cold is still here in full force feeling pretty awful.......
Please pray we get through these next couple of days......Love ya Tracie

5 things..
1. Friends who bring me soup
2.Tissue again
3.cold medicine
4.Prayers
5.E-mails

Tuesday, September 12, 2006 10:01 PM CDT

I think we all have those times in our lives no matter what age we are when we "Want our Mommy". That's me today, It's no insult to Paul I just want my Mom.
I have stiches in my finger , now I have a bad cold , I've been trapped in the house going on two weeks..I'm a train wreck...

I somehow got a bad cold (Must of blown in when I opened the door) so today I tried my hardest to uphold my mother/nurse duties and I have to say I did better then I thought I would.
But by tonight I'm done I just feel like getting my blankie and my stuffed bear and laying on the couch for a day or two...Okay fantasy over, not gonna happen..Anyway enough BooHoo poor me for one entry...

Abi had a pretty good day hasn't been eating at all ..We went from one extreme to the other. Her body is going down like someone letting air out of a baloon.
I did get a call back from Dr.B and he told me everything I already knew. He did say the pain team will be calling me to set up some appts. for Abi. My thought and believe me I know how fairytale this sounds, I always hoped we wouldn't need a pain team...Still to this day I feel like Fix it and we won't need drugs right?? Oh well ...Thats not the way the Chiari world works.

Well today was my last straw with Hennepin county (have I said this before ?) The good news and blessing was we are now getting medical for the girls..
But as far as any other support the deadline was running out because they had 30 days from when I applied so what do they do ,send me more forms !!! And what happened to the other ones?? I'm so done with all that, I tore them up and threw them in the trash...
I had just talked with someone who said all my ducks were in a row and they needed to hurry and make a decision before the time ran out..Oh heck lets buy some time and send more forms...Heres an idea Save your forms and maybe you'll have more funding to help people who need it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please send some e-mails could use a little pick me up...

Five things for today..
1.tissue
2.vicks
3.Moms
4.Ice cream sandwiches
5. All of you
6.The trash can

Love ya ..Prayers going out

Monday, September 11, 2006 9:48 PM CDT

I guess tonight I'm at a place of okay I've done what I can now I let go and let God ..Then it will play out the way it is suppose to I guess.
Of course I called Dr.B right away this morning, not because I felt I needed to tell on Dr. P but I just wanted him to find out what the heck is going on...Because to be honest I'm a little confused. He said that he would try and get a hold of him and then call me with a plan.
So for now I wait.....I must say I'm becoming a very good "have to wait person"...Not by choice.

We always , as a family eat dinner at the table. Abi has not been a part of that for over a week..so tonight I put a stop to that because I miss her. I moved the table and all the chairs into the living room and we all as a family had dinner.
Abi of course was laying on the couch but the point was we were all in there. I'm keeping it like that until she is up and back with us in the kitchen.

I really have to say again..Thank you for being there for us. I know this has been a long road and you've hung in there and have given us so much support and love...Thanks for everything you do.................

My five things...
1.The people that are in our life
2.Eating together as a family
3.Abi and her smile
4.Matti and the way she hugs me tight just before getting on the school bus
5.stuffed animals

Love ya prayers going out ......

Happy Birthday Jodi M..love ya

Sunday, September 10, 2006 3:36 PM CDT

I must say today I'm feeling very frustrated...
I just feel like we are in this waiting pattern and we aren't going anywhere. Stuck!!
Because Abi was having a spinal fluid leak from her incision they could not move forward with the plan to do x-rays and turn her shunt up. Now we are stuck with a little girl who has to lay flat pretty much all of the time and now she is having such bad vision problems she can't even see well enough to read.
I called and talked with Dr. P this morning and he asked if I could be more specific? Well let me try...SHE CAN"T SEE without it being blurry and fuzzy. How frustrating for her can't get up too much without having terrible pain to pay for it and now she can't see very well..GREAT!!!
This just keeps getting better...Am I feeling sorry for myself..No! I'm feeling sorry for her.....It's just Enough already.
So as the plan stands for now unless of course she completely loses her sight (Then I guess it's a bigger deal) We go in to see that bunch on Friday, if nothing changes the plan is to take a shunt series of x-rays and then turn up the shunt I guess we have to approach that slowly they said... of course we do.
Anyway the good news is my finger is back I have to keep the stiches in for 14 days then I get to take them out myself..I think I've watched that process a million times. I must say the Tupperware kitchen shears are very sharp..next time I'll try them when I'm cooking.

Thanks for listening had to blow off a little steam....Prayers go out to Sophia,Madison,The chiari group,Cristina with college, Anna,Braydon,Moms club,Ev,
I pray for those children and adults that have to go through life with pain..

I ordered a chiari shirt for Abi it says "I've had brain surgery, whats your excuse"? thought that was so darn cute..

Take care my five things...
1.Rainy Sundays
2.School Buses
3.Soup
4.Friends
5.Candles on cloudy days
6. People with disabilities that kick butt anyway!!!

Love ya all....Tracie ...Enjoy your Monday

Friday, September 8, 2006 3:29 PM CDT

update from the dr. instead of the x-rays and shunt being turned up appt. we were suppose to have...Abi had a bad leak of spinal fluid and all her stiches had to be taken out and the they pushed her suture together and super glued...long day....my finger is fine thanks for all the jokes..i get the bandage off in four days then i will use it more...i just felt like i wanted a little attention for a while..ha ha
Have a good one love ya...Abi will continue to lay flat for a while feel free to send mail for her to read....ly tracie

Friday, September 8, 2006 6:09 AM CDT

Once upon a time there was a beautiful lady who would tease her husband. She would say to him "Why can't you just multi-task? It must be because you are a man." Well, my multi-tasking freind, talking on the phone and using scissors at the same time, may not be such a good idea for you.(just kidding)Tracie has three stitches in her middle finger. The doctor said she was lucky she didn't hit a tendon.
Matti is enjoying school, but she does get pretty tired and cranky when she gets home. Especially when she can't watch Zack and Cody. Kaydee is as crazy as ever. Abi is going in today and they will look at and adjust her shunt. Let's hope that takes care of the head pain and she doesn't have to lay down all the time.
Once again, thanks for all the prayers and support. And prayers going out to all the little ones that need it.

Thursday, September 7, 2006 6:08 PM CDT

taking a couple days off..had to get stiches and it would take me forever to type...i will write once the bandage comes off...please e-mail us we love to hear from you....love ya tracie

Wednesday, September 6, 2006 9:46 PM CDT

Today was a day of being pulled in lots of directions..Matti was getting ready and excited for school so I was helping her..Abi wasn't feeling good at all ,lots of headpain...Kaydee just wanted to go for a walk with me..AHHHHHHHHHH
But the good news is I got through it!!
I had to call all the Doc crew today, and what I found out from N-Surg is they feel Abi's shunt is working too good so she is being overdrained. They will need to turn up her shunt setting (Bad news is we have never had too good of luck with that)anyway she is to lay flat as much as possible until Friday. That is true when she is laying down she's okay when she is up to do much of anything she is in screaming pain 10 minutes later.....

Dr. B did mention to me when we talked that he is going to set us up with the pain Dr. at Childrens..He is new and is suppose to be pretty good. So we will be checking in on that.

Abi is still consumed with bad thoughts I try to listen to some but after a long day of it I have to tell her to write them down..It really drives me nuts..Death and talking about any word she hears that sounds bad....yikes

I did the worst thing a parent of a new K stundent can do , I sent her without her name tag..Hello can't you hear the bad parent alarms going off......I'm sure there is a poster of me in the office!!!Way to go Tracie...I'm lucky she made it home...Oh Pickles

I also want to ask if anyone knows of someone or if you are selling a washer/dryer please let me know ..Ours is getting pretty bad , doesn't hold water too well and I think thats important in the big picture of cleaning clothes..ha ha

Take care and enjoy your day ,no matter how many things pull at you..Give God a reason to give you another..Love ya Tracie

five things...
1.pain pills(for Abi not me..)
2.phones
3.my family
4.Friends
5.The Newspaper in the morning and a cup of coffee and three minutes to enjoy it

Tuesday, September 5, 2006 9:20 PM CDT

Now comes the time when I sit and look at Abi with "Are you going to be well Eyes". What that means is I look at her and wonder if she can make it in the world of an eight year old???
Talked with the nurse today and the N-Doc said we could stop her Lyrica because of the reaction she is having..but on the other hand she didn't think it was the Lyrica?? I'm no Dick Tracie but last time she had this problem we went off of the Lyrica and the problem went away...Now we are on Lyrica again and hello the problem is back ....Well you can figure that one out.
Okay so now here we are right out of surgery she's having headaches and we are stopping her main pain med. Sounds like a rough weekend ahead to me....Dr. B said he would be on alert...I told my friend Amy to get the ER bag together..ha ha

We go in Friday to see the Nurse of Dr. P and to do some shunt x-rays so hopefully if we are having problems it will show its face then. I know keep a positive attitude..blah blah blah....

Well school went well ,the Bus was late as usual but Matti got on and came home got off and the day was a hit!!! Matti really seemed to enjoy it a lot...I cried a little when the big bus pulled away but it was pretty calm when she was at school and I have to say I liked that part.

Well thats all I have right now special prayers for Becky,Aunti Ev, Chiari group,Sophia,Braydon,Mark,Anna,Madison,MCAD Group(Let's keep them well now that school is here)..all the other little peanuts that can't start school with the rest of the kids....

Love ya Thanks for all the great E-mails ..I love them

Monday, September 4, 2006 8:50 PM CDT

The weekend has been a long one, you throw Monday in there and it seemed even longer.
Abi has been doing okay , up and down really. Head pain some of the time but tylenol #3 and valium seem to do the trick.
Her stiches are really bugging her but for some reason part of her head has no feeling?? Kind of wierd I can touch it and she can't feel it.
Another problem we are having ..Bad thoughts again, she is consumed with thinking people are going to die or get hurt...I can't even leave the house without her getting very upset and worried. I have started on the wean of her med. Lyrica because that seemed to be the cause last time. The down side of that her head pain will get worse if it's not replaced with some other dumb drug...Lots of calls to make tomorrow as usual.

Abi's teacher came over today, It was so nice to see her. She talked with Abi about things she was going to do on the first day of school, I think it helped her not feel so left out...I know she misses school a lot.

Well tomorrow get ready Wilshire Park Here comes "MATTI"...It's bitter sweet for me I know how sweet Matti can be but on the other hand I know how much trouble she can be...I will miss her and putting her on that bus will be hard..she just seems so little and the bus seems so big. I already talked with her about playground saftey..ha ha ...I just feel like I didn't spend enough time getting her ready , I don't know how prepared she is going to be...Mom guilt!!!

Our house just seems a little crazy right now..probably not the best time to be starting new things..oh well.

To all the Moms out there who will be letting your little ones leave the door tomorrow..Remember you won't be there but God will, I pray that He holds each little hand and brings them home safe.For me I know I won't breathe until I see her get off that bus......

Take care and Thanks for checking in....

Five Things..........
1.Having a younger child still at home
2.Friends that come over to check on you
3.When the house is calm at night and everyone is sleeping
4.Crayons and paper
5.Teachers who make a differance

Prayers go out to Moms and Dads who have kids going off to school,Chiari kids,Cristina going to college,Matti,Peter,Amy,
Braydon,Mark,Madison,Abi, Sophia,
Prayers go out to the Moms and Dads that wish their kids were going off to school.

Monday, September 4, 2006 4:36 PM CDT

Friday, September 1, 2006 2:43 PM CDT

Things are going pretty well Abi had an okay night. We had to get some stronger medicine for her head but other than that things are good. Thank you again for all your prayers and concern...Probably won't journal again until Monday Night, going to try and rest up a little..

Love ya Tracie

Thursday, August 31, 2006 9:45 PM CDT

We are Home.....They were'nt going to let us at first but then they set us free under the condition that we would call if anything came up.....
When they took Abi's bandage off I was in shock !!!!I have never seen that many stiches in one childs head in all my life....It looks like she was in a fight with broken glass and lost..WOW.
I have to tell you when I saw that I told the nurse there was no way I could take her home today ..How was I going to take care of that...too much.
So I left and took Matti to meet and greet..she loved her teacher and classroom..I did too....
We also took Abi's school stuff down to her class but the minute I saw her desk and her teacher I hardly could keep the tears back..darn-it.
When I got back Paul was up at the hospital and called to say they would let her go tonight if I was ready..I said yes but with a little hesitation..But now we are all home and we will be okay.
All I have to do is keep 400 stiches from getting infected ..No problem.
We go back for scans in a week ,then in a week after that then an MRI in five weeks to see what our little syrnix is doing...I pray it's smaller..Please God make it smaller...

Well we are home and all together It may take me a while to get all my ducks back in a row, I feel a little out of sorts..But thank you again for your prayers and constant support it means everything to me and all of us....Love ya

Five things
The fact that we are home and all together!!!

Thursday, August 31, 2006 10:57 AM CDT

Hi there..just checking in
Haven't seen the Doctor yet so no news about anything yet. I would think we will be going home today, so I'm preparing myself for that.
It's always so overwhelming going home I always feel a little off my game for a while....Tonight I have to make it home at some point because Matti has meet and greet at school..she is sooo excited probably a little nervous too.

Abi had a good night and so far a good morning, she has been up once but got a headache and had to get back into bed.The new thing is she is having buzzing sounds in her ear..not sure what that is about but we told the nurse to be on the safe side.
Please keep the e-mails coming It really keeps me company ..kind of lonesome up here.
My five for today are............................
1. My Mom
2.windows in hospital rooms
3.Jimmy Johns Subs that deliver to our room
4.Friends that help you through
5.Good daytime nurses

Last night I told Abi about a little girl who had a lot of things to overcome , but she got through them all one by one because she was not scared..(Of course I made up the story)
anyway, the reason she could get through all these things that happened to her was because many people loved and prayed for this little girl .
What that did was fill this little girls heart with so much love that it was very Big and there was no room left for fear!!
The end

Have a great day and thank you for filling Abi's heart with love.......

Wednesday, August 30, 2006 9:10 PM CDT

This is my 3rd time to journal today...Bored and lots of time to think..Plus I love using this laptop , It makes me feel like I work downtown in one of those big buildings....

Can I just say I don't care for the Big hospital scene..even though I am good at "Hospital Survival".
Like knowing when to use the shower without waiting,How to get more food on meal trays,Just the right time to get pain meds before shift change and last but not least, meals you can make out of small cans of soup,crackers,peanut butter and vanilla pudding.Yes I'm very talented.....

The nurse came in tonight and said since you'll probably leave tomorrow !!!!! WAIT a minute...I just want to say "Don't write checks you can't cash". Abi still has all her bandages on and we haven't even seen the Doc. so please keep all your happy thoughts to yourself......and Let's just slow down a little..I feel confident taking her home , even when she's pretty bad but we are not there yet.....

Well time to pull my bed out and try to get a sheet around it ...wish me luck I always tear them...Oh well put it on the bill....

Thanks for your prayers and E-mails they're great..

five things
1.My bed at home
2.Dr. Partington
3.People who pray for Abi
4.Snacks from friends
5.Laptops to keep in touch with you guys..

Love ya Tracie & Abi at Gillette

Wednesday, August 30, 2006 4:01 PM CDT

Hi....I'm pretty bored,But the good news is the hospital has a laptop for me to use....I'm in love, Santa has to bring me one of these or God (I think He owes me)ha ha.

Abi is doing pretty well she does have a little bit of a temp and hopefully it won't be going up..there was already a high risk of infection because of the steroids but stuff like that doesn't happen to us...Does it?

Thank you for all the e-mails,keep them coming it's nice to read them..cheers us both up.

Checking in with the Nanny at home(my Mom) today has been busy...Lola had the poops and that was everywhere..then the girls were stepping in it and Matti was about to throw-up because of it..then Kaydee went potty and it went everywhere...she then decided to let the girls ride bikes to DQ and Matti got two flat tires..whew what a day, Paul went home from the hospital to save her....

It sounds like Abi had a pretty clogged non-working shunt..I have mixed feelings if this will fix all the problems she is having...we have to wait and see..Maybe this is the miracle I prayed for?
I guess in four weeks or so we will be able to tell at our next MRI. I'm thinking unless she gets worse, the Sept.19th surgery will be put off..at least for now.
He wants to make sure by putting it off she won't suffer damage to her spinal cord (don't we all). I don't like waiting as we all know..but I don't think I can make it through a surgery like that either....Dr. P and I agreed He doesn't want to do the surgery and I don't want him to have to do it....

Well guess I better get going ,not sure why I have nothing to do really...Watching the Disney channel is getting a little old (Kim Possible and her belly shirts and then you have The Cheetah Girls).

love ya Tracie

more later....

Wednesday, August 30, 2006 12:43 AM CDT

Just wanted to drop a fast note to let you know Abi is doing fine. Her surgery went an hour and a half over what was expected but He ran into a couple bumps in the road.
She is in her room and they are giving her some nice pain relief, she is a little on the grouchy side(who wouldn't be).
He did go and put a second tube into her left vent. ,then had to replace and re-position a new shunt. But besides a little bit of feeling sick and a headache she pulled through .
I have to say we were pretty worried to say the least when the surgery went so long..lots of tears were flowing thats for sure.
Thanks to all of you for your prayers and concern..more later..LY The Christoherson Family

Tuesday, August 29, 2006 3:58 PM CDT

Here I am writing this from Gillette Hospital. Abi woke up last night with bad headpain...We went and had a CT scan and now we are getting ready for surgery tomorrow at 7:30am.Dr. P has decided to go in and fix her shunt and add a second hole into her ventricle on the other side so she will have two, working together...He thinks her shunt is clogged.
Do I feel this will replace the other surgery in Sept. ?No I think it's just an additional complication to this big mess.
Abi is resting we just had labs done and a series of bad IV starts, finally they got one in..I hate that.
Please send your prayers tomorrow...All for now
Love ya Tracie

Monday, August 28, 2006 8:31 PM CDT

The Van is back home thanks to a little tape and some glue.

Not too much to report tonight. Abi was able to go play at her friends house and I was able to get a lot done here at home.

Talked with Dr. Partingtons office and filled them in on the new developments with Abi..How she is having bladder trouble and neck and back pain. She is also having trouble with her throat at times and when she sleeps her breathing is really loud.
I was surprised to hear back ,they set up an appt. for us after the MRI, Dr. P wants to see us Himself...That can't be good..I'll have to go there alone because Paul will be working..Yikes!
Dr. Wical also called back and we are starting to go down on her Lyrica again.she is back being consumed with bad thoughts.
Could be the Lyrica or the steroids but can't really tell.

Abi broke my heart today, she was sad and mentioned to me that she thinks I caused her to have all this stuff wrong with her.
Way back when this all started I bumped her with our bedroom door, to make a long story short, it's really what saved her because we had an MRI and then saw the Chiari.
To hear her say that brought tears to my eyes, I know she didn't mean it bad but it hurt.

Tomorrow I go to a lunch at church ..Two of us quit at the same time so it's kind of a goodbye lunch for us both..Kind of will be sad for me because I did love my job and I do miss it. The other hand is I know where I'm needed right now. It will be fun to see everybody.

Well Bye for now...Prayers of continued healing for Michelle. Prayers going out to Sophia,Mark,Braydon,Madison,All the Chiari group,Moms club..
Spelling Bee,and all of you out there with heavy hearts....

God lifts us up........

Five things...
1.Guardian angels
2.Tape and glue
3.people who can spell
4.Doctors who call you back
5.Me..because I'm a good person
6.Friends who loan you vans to use while yours is broken

UPDATE AS OF THIS AM--------------------
I have been up with Abi since 4:00 she is screaming with head pain..waiting for Dr. P to call..Prayers welcome

Sunday, August 27, 2006 8:26 PM CDT

Well the weekend went pretty well as well as the Christopherson weekend usually goes......Sat. when driving around trying to get a couple things done my car exploded !!!
Okay a little bit of an exaggeration..Ya know those clown cars at the circus the ones that drive around making a loud sound and fluid and smoke is shooting out every where..okay thats what our van looked like....I was lucky to get it over to Rogers and then It was pretty much done. I'm waiting for the call tomorrow that says" Mrs. Christopherson we did all we could we lost her".

Abi has been okay this weekend a few problems with bladder control..bad back and leg pain and also she is starting with that bad thoughts thing again..It's on the phone with Dr. Wical tomorrow we will probably have to wean her off her pain med. again...If she doesn't call I know the drill I'll wean her myself...I know I'm sassy

I can't believe the MRI is already here almost (Thurs) and meet and greet for school..Wow time flies when your having fun....

After the car broke down and we got some not so nice letters in the mail..Paul was sitting on our bed with his hand on his face..When I asked him what was wrong he said "It's really not funny anymore"!!!I'm thinking God won't give you more then you can handle was written by someone who either drank vodka and wasn't thinking straight or by someone who had children with seasonal colds....That would be my guess.
But the good news is we are hanging in there and that's fine keep'em comin..We got God on our side..and a lot of people who care about us so BATTER UP!!!Faith the size of a mustard seed can move a mountain.......

A friend of mine says " I don't have to accept my situation ,I just acknowledge it". Thats so true you just acknowledge it's there deal with it and move forward breathing in and out....one step in front of the other...Not so tough right?

Well have a good monday and Breathe.....

Love ya Tracie

Five things
1.Vans that don't explode
2.Faith and trust
3.looking on the bright side
4.church pancake get togethers
5.This day

Thursday, August 24, 2006 10:35 PM CDT

This next story is one reason I should not leave the house..Now remeber this is real life none of this is made up...
So The girls and I decided to go grab a burger from MCD's
and there we are in the drive thru, I pull up to get the food this lady first off sighs at me...Thats 1 ,then I proceed to tell her (In my nice Mom voice because the girls are with me)That she forgot my Diet coke..She replies back nope you didn't order one! Okay thats 2, I say back (In my firm getting angry Mom voice) Yes I did...So she then gives me the look and sighs again ,okay thats 3...When she finally gives me the coke I say "Ya know I feel like you're angry and I think you could be a little nicer"...Then she laughs at me and closes the window..I pull away saying to myself ...Tracie you really should not be out around people right now....ha ha

The meeting with Pastor Glenn went really well tonight, the great thing was we talked about Paul and I...WHO ?? Oh yea I remember them...What we didn't realize is that in all the medical everyday concerns,and all the stress and this and that..we forgot about each other...We have been so focused on Abi we have forgotten to take care of us...and we needed someone to tell us how important that is...We knew that but needed a reminder...

Abi is starting to have some anxiety issues again, she is looking at the calendar almost daily and I think she is pretty focused on the 19th..She told me that she can tell she will have to have surgery just by the way she feels..I said I kind of believe that too but we will see what the MRI shows....I did tell her there will be a time when she feels better..she just hugged me and said "I Know".

I took the girls to cost cutters for haircuts today...they all look nice..Kaydee must of brushed hers for an hour after we got home she kept saying"I love my haircut don't you"?
Yes Kaydee your the prettiest girl ever!!!I would like to apologize to Kaydee's husband ahead of time..we tried our best...ha ha

Have a blessings kind of day...Love ya ...Tracie

My 5
1.Paul
2.Pastor Glenn
3.thunderstorms
4.Matti and Abi giggling in bed tonight...
5.Kaydee and her Hair...

Prayers go out to those who need them...

Thursday, August 24, 2006 6:45 AM CDT

It's nice waking up to clouds I always find that calming...

Tonight we go meet with Pastor Glenn, I look forward to that even though for me it will probably be pretty emotional..
All I know when we were in the hospital He always knew what to say. I could use a little of that right now...

Abi was up and about a little more yesterday I took the girls to the pet store..so now Abi's latest thing is she wants a pet little crab...But she has me and one crab in the house is enough..

Dr. B called and said Mattis blood results seem to be fine He has to send them to the U to have them look but he thinks they are okay..
Told him about Abis latest stuff and he said to call Dr. P with anything new ..but for me why? It's not like he will rush us in so I think for now I will sit and wait if things get really bad I'll call....Not too many days left beofre the big MRI anyway.

Boy I can't drink my coffee fast enough today..Kaydee was up a lot last night (shocker) so I was up,thats okay it's just sleep....

Here's my five
1.Guardian Angels (you know who you are)
2.The love we get from family,friends and strangers
3.Breathing
4.phone calls
5.Clouds

Love you guys...enjoy the clouds and try to have a little calmness in your day today....Prayers going out to Chiari Club,Moms group,Sophia,Mark,Madison,Braydon,Ev,Steve,
All the parents that have heavy hearts.....

Tracie
P.S. My personal e-mail isn't working right now so call or leave me a message on this site...LY

Wednesday, August 23, 2006 7:04 AM CDT

I wrote three times last night on this page but errased them all couldn't say what I wanted I guess.....
Abi is doing about the same ..starting to have some bladder issues at night and her legs seem to be getting a little weak too. we went to the library yesterday and Rainbow and it was too much for her..she still is so tired.
Haven't heard back yet from all the bloodwork maybe today.

Got three No's from the county yeaterday and one yes..Abi's Medical assistance, still waiting to hear about Food support and Medical assistance for the girls...They turned us down for Cash assistance, I'm thinking because we made too much selling lemonaide this summer..Ha ha
Ya know what God gives me all I need....

I don't know if we will ever be ready for this surgery coming up..Kaydee has such bad seperation issues right now , when I go for my walk she grabs my leg and just cries..Matti on the other hand has behavior issues she just does everything in her power to drive me over the edge...I know they feel the stress and they see Abi they know whats coming...

Well that's it gotta start my day ....Have a good one and Be kind to one another....
Prayers going out........Love ya Tracie

5 Things
1.God
2.God
3.God
4.God
5.God

Monday, August 21, 2006 9:11 PM CDT

I must start my entry with something that happened to me .....

There I was with my trusty dog Lola walking down the sidewalk, of a street we don't normally take on our evening walk..Trying to spice it up a little...So of course big surprise I was crying a little tears strolling down my face..feeling kind of blue ,when all of a sudden I look to my right see a lady at her door with two big dogs next thing I know one breaks free heads for guess who? Us !!
The dog looks like something out of a movie I just knew Lola or I were dog food..The dog knocks us both over and there I was trying to get on my feet to save Lola and finally by that time the owner got her killer dog....and was charming enough to say "Are you alright"? As I scrambled to find my radio that was thrown across the yard and make sure Lola was okay I said back"Yea we're Great"....
As I started walking again I just knew God had a hand in that ..Seems like whenever I start saying poor me He knocks me right to the ground..Okay God I get it!!

The Doctor appt. with Dr. B wasn't too bad today Matti looked pretty good to him , her skin is a mess as far as that goes ..He gave us new medicine for that..still waiting on the blood test results for the rest of the stuff..her liver checked out okay...
Dr. B is so great he called me this morning and wanted me to bring Abi with me so He could check her out...he was concerned a little about how tired she is all the time so he did some test on her too(bloodwork)..He also said He wanted to call Dr. Partington to talk ...I think It's hard to see her, I know I look at her everyday and it really breaks my heart. It's just not Abi ...I see her little spirit every once in a while but not too much...I know it's been really hard for Paul and I ..But we are hanging on to the bar best we can with Gods help of course..I must be honest though this is tough it really is ...No matter how many times I process this in my mind I can't make it seem right or better...I've always been able to turn something into a better situation but with this I'm not sure how....I pray about it a lot...

Here are my five things...
1.Mean Dogs behind high fences
2.People in the blood lab that do their job well..
3.Diet coke
4.knowing you can be how you are and people love you anyway..
5.Toilets that don't overflow

Love you guys ..I could use some entries if you have time...

Prayers go out to all of you!!

Sunday, August 20, 2006 9:34 PM CDT

This has been the longest weekend.....Not in a bad way just long I'm almost welcoming Monday.....
Friday we ended up waiting at Gillette for 4 hours and really didn't learn anything new...The Nurse practitioner thinks we will be fine waiting until the 31st..we didn't see Dr. P, Not much more I can do for now I guess.....
Abi has had some issues of numbness in her hand and she fell out of the van the other day and landed on the street and hit her head on the car next to us....She said her legs wouldn't move...
She is still pretty tired all the time but we did see some sparks at the MOA. We really had a great time at Build a bear and then I took her on the log ride...I know I shouldn't have but you should of seen the joy in her face it was priceless....
Matti had a great couple of Bday days she is so tired right now she can't think straight.
Tomorrow we go for her MCAD testing and to get her checked out for school...It will not be a good time at Childrens I know that for sure...They test her liver and other stuff through bloodwork and to Matti that is a nightmare..for me too I've been punched, kicked ,hit with her shoe, she just goes nuts....Wish me luck..I think I'm taking the whole gang because I would like Dr. B to see Abi and look her over too...I'm so glad he's back from vacation !!

Paul and I had a very romantic Anniversary..We spent the evening cleaning up water because our downstairs bathroom flooded the whole side of the basement......There is always next year.......

My goal for the week is to stay in the hope side of things...stay in the good ,stay in the blessings side of life so that will be my focus...Once again I'm starting out strong and will probably end up like a marshmellow in a smore mashed between two crackers...(I have to be real)

I have a lot to be thankful for tonight it's hard to pick five..But I will...
1. Once again I'm so Thankful for the people in our lives who are constantly making a differance..Thank you
2.Oatmeal cookies
3.Log rides
4.Abi's puffy beaver cheeks
5.The way Matti can cry for 6 hours and never run out of tear juice......

Have a great week lets try and keep it a mellow one ..be kind to one another........LY Tracie

Prayers for Chiari club members and Moms club...Prayers for Mark,Steve,Sophia,Madison,Braydon,My Great aunt EV, Matti

Saturday, August 19, 2006 8:03 AM CDT

Today is the day Matti was born....she came into the world so fast the nurse was calling the Doctor and with no help had to catch her by herself...
Her life has not been a perfect one ...she was always sick we went to Doctor to Doctor with her because of stomach issues...once we moved back to MN. she started having major issues around 6 months...she would get sick then pretty much go into a state of eyes rolling back in her head and non-responsive...We rushed her to the ER 5 times without them knowing what it was...It would take them 5 days to get her back to almost normal(Thats how we met Dr. B)
Finally after bloodwork being sent to Mayo we found out she had a rare but serious Metabolic disorder called MCAD.
After finding out what she had and learning how lucky we are to still have her with us..I cherish her today ,her wild spirit, Her sassy look and the way she can always be up to something even when she's sleeping..She is also sensitive and needs you so much but won't let you know that......Happy Birthday Matti!!!

Today is also the special day when I married my blue eyed man.....I remember how nice of a day it was couldn't of ordered a better one...My father was alive to then and was able to see what a good choice I made.
I met Paul at the MPLS airport we were going on a trip to open a Chilis restraunt (we were corporate trainers then)..I remember he said something smart on the plane and I hit him, after that I knew if a man let me hit him He was the one for me...ha ha
We did several team building exercises together and we always won..People would tell us what a great team we made...Lucky for us because who would of thought we would need those skills so much later.
It's been 11 years and I must say the last 9 have been filled with medical issues and faith building exercises..But I would never go back and I am so Thankful I have had someone like Paul to stand by me through it all....I look forward to the day when we are sitting outside and holding hands talking about how we made it through all this and talking about our kids and how they are all grown up...
Happy Anniversary...

Thursday, August 17, 2006 9:07 PM CDT

Here I sit tonight and yes once again crying...But tonight it's because of all of you . I have never been more showered with love and support as I was today.

It is a frustrating path we are on ,especially when all we want to do is take care of Abi that is our only motive..But when there seems to be so many roadblocks it's hard to keep going against them you get so tired of the fight....You just pray for one day on easy street ,one day to breathe....

I finally got an answer from N-surg today ,I just begged them to take a look at her. I just wanted them to see her and let me know that she's okay because Where I'm standing she doesn't look okay to me..We are going in at 1:00 for a CT scan the we will see the Nurse and hopefully Dr. P too at 2:00. We will see what happens after that.

Tomorrow night we are going to the Mall of America for Matti"s Bday to go to "Build a bear" The girls are so excited we have never been there before...I'll take pictures. My prayer is that Abi is able to enjoy it...I think we are getting her a wheelchair so she can sit if she needs to. Matti also has told Paul she wants to go on the log ride and rollercoaster with him...So it should be a fun Family outing...

I must say again ,the way all of you have been there and have helped us is something I will never forget..You basically came to my rescue today...Thank You
I hope someday I can return the favor to each and everyone of you.

I am from Texas ya know and it takes a lot to break a Texan but when we do fall It's hard....But I'm up again and ready for the next ride.....I will not give up this fight my eye is on the prize..Getting my little girl well...

I always read how everyone thinks I'm strong etc..but I'm strong because God has my back and He works through you and gives me the courage and faith to continue....I was given a little angel by a friend of mine today and it was holding a little sign that said "Believe" . I thought about that word for a minute and to me it means.....Believeing in God and His Grace, Believe in a time when things won't be so tough for us, Believe that Abi will be on the playground at school chasing boys,Believe that we will be strong enough as a Family to get through this rollercoaster ride without too many scars, One thing that I believe and know to be true is that we couldn't have made it this far without all of you.

Five things I'm grateful for
1.Friends (new and old)
2.kleenex
3.roses and cookies and little Angels holding signs.
4.People who stick by us no matter what..
5.Knowing God is there even if I let go of His hand for a little bit, He is always there to take it again.

Prayers for Families that have to live day to day with worry..Prayers for Chiari club and Moms group..Prayers for steve and continued healing....Prayers for Sophia,Mark,Madison,Braydon...Prayers for all of you.

Love ya Tracie

Wednesday, August 16, 2006 9:10 PM CDT

I am so done I really am ...I sit here in tears writing this because I just can't figure out how we are suppose to deal with all this..God knows I've tried I spent five hours today asking for help some little rescue but once again it's like door after door slams.
I sat in the parking ramp for an hour trying to stop crying long enough to exit today because I felt..like I've finally lost this battle....I have...I just can't be strong anymore ...I'm sick and tired of it.....Goodnight

Tuesday, August 15, 2006 9:03 PM CDT

Today we met my Mom at super Target and She noticed right away this big bump on Abi's neck almost like the back of her neck is swollen.
I felt terrible because I'm with her all the time and didn't really notice it...
I did know that she has just really been slumped over she has her chin to her chest. I really wasn't sure if that was the weight gain or what...It really is like she has no neck right now , that sounds funny but it's true.
Of course I called Dr. P the minute I got home and left a message with his staff..but heard nothing back..
I'm sure the Freak Mom alert light went on when I called back second day in a row. Ya know what thats fine because I feel like a freak right now I'm lucky to put two matching shoes on when I leave the house..It's hard to just sit around when your daughter can't even make it around Target....
I just feel like things are so unsettled right now , let me tell you it's not a fun way to live..Don't try it...

Well tomorrow I will put my big girl shoes on and my big girl hat and go to Hennepin county once again !!!I'm filling out applications for Medical assistance,cash assistance,food assistance,New shoes assistance,New car assistance,Get out of my face assistance,Help me help you assistance.

Okay I made up a few at the end there !!!Anyway so yes sir I'm going and I'm not leaving there until I have something...I don't care if it's a free pencil and a paper fan..I will leave with some type of ASSISTANCE!!!
(Don't worry Tom I'll behave I know you work there, maybe for tomorrow pretend you don't know me).Ha Ha
So all of you wish me luck I'm sure I will have stories to tell tomorrow night. If I don't journal please get together and raise bail money...Hee Hee

Well tomorrow will be Mattis first party some friends are throwing her a little get together so we are looking forward to that. Granted she threw a whole box of kleenex in the toilet tonight to be funny and almost didn't get to see her Birthday..But I'm sure when she turns six she will be better behaved..Ha Ha

My five things I'm grateful for are..
1. Matti
2. People who help you out when you don't even ask.
3.Humor
4.Grace
5.When someone so gets what your going through...

Love to all of you..please keep sending me entries I love reading them.....Keep your arms open for Gods love.....

Monday, August 14, 2006 9:32 PM CDT

Okay I am going to try and type this with very little sleep so keep that in mind..
3 days now without a good night sleep but I feel like tonights my night..just 5 hours thats all I need...Please God...I've seen people being arrested on the cop shows that are strung out and look better then me right now.....

Well I got through to Dr. P today and he called me in person...
He said if I didn't see improvement in Abi lets get her off those steroids....
Unless having her head slumped down on her chest and pain in her back,numbness in her right hand and vision disturbances then throw in not wanting to play,talk or do anything but eat is an improvement I think I can take the risk...I will be so glad to be off those..yuck
He also said we are sticking with our schedule MRI on the 31st and then surgery on Sept 19th unless we have a miracle and don't need it..or if it gets too bad and we have to go sooner...
I asked him if waiting puts her more at risk? His answer was it actually helps him because the more fullness in the spinal cord the easier it will be to operate....

I look at her little cute fat face and I honestly can't believe we have to put her through this again. She was so excited the day we went to old navy to get school clothes,I think that day she felt like a normal kid.
This morning she got up and wanted to put blue eye shadow on and I said sure..she looked so pretty and grown up it really made me sad where has the time gone?

I promised myself tonights entry wouldn't be a boohoo one but here I go down that street already can't help it.

Abi didn't want to go to her therapy appt with Lynda tonight so instead we went to Rainbow..Abi wanted everything . So right now we have spray cheese,Lays potato chips, lots of oreos and peaches..she has to have lots of those for some reason..Oh well.
Matti is very excited about her Birthday coming up and seems to be as hard to handle as ever..
Kaydee seems to think she is going to be left alone ..every where I go she says are you going to leave me here alone??? I assure her I would never do that but right now she is just kind of insecure (with reason).

My five things tonight are
1. spray cheese,oreos,peaches and lays potato chips(things that make Abi smile)
2.walking at night with Lola
3.make-up that covers dark circles
4.E-mails (Hint Hint)
5.Target

Take care ..I know Gods love for us because he put all of you in our lives....I'm Thankful for that very much

Prayers for all the people I hold in my heart tonight..LY Tracie

try wishing on a star at night ,I do ...Who knows it could come true

Sunday, August 13, 2006 9:29 PM CDT

The weekend was pretty good....Abi was talkative (A little) still isn't doing much..She colors and reads Thats it..stays pretty much to herself I think her sisters really miss her playing with them.I know i miss her.
I've got some phone calls to make as usual tomorrow..I'm starting with Dr. Parrtington I want her off these steroids I really do,Her neck isn't any better obviously she's worse..She has now gained 12 -13 pounds in three weeks all she does is eat, I have no Pjs for her that fit and having trouble finding clothes too. I'm just wondering if she wasn't taking them would she be wanting to play and at least go outside??I just feel like we are going into surgery anyway why break down her immune system before hand.
I'm also calling Dr. Wical and Dr M (He is taking over for Dr. B while he is on Vacation) I will call all three and who ever calls back first wins !!!

I was pretty emotional all weekend it was a tough one.I can't sleep because my mind just keeps going through things and I can't really stop it, Kind of like watching a bad movie over and over.....
I'm fine when I'm busy but whenever I'm in the car alone or it's quiet I lose it...
The thing is pretty soon I'll have to get tough and put my emotions aside and start getting real about this surgery ..If I don't I won't make it through ..It's almost like I go into denial mode and then break down later. Paul and I have 3 little girls that we have to be strong for ..Thats the hardest part holding together for them.
Matti is celebrating turning 6 on the 19th and starting the big K at school and I want this to be a special time for her. I know she feels "for once could it be about me" how could she not.
My Mom called and we talked she ended up crying on the phone because she just sees Abi and it breaks her heart..She asked me how I can be so strong about it? Honest ,I'm not sure It must be God because I just go into auto pilot and fly.God does for me what I cannot do for myself...And thats handle all this.

I heard a verse from a country song That I happened to agree with
"I need a little less hard time and a little more Bliss".

But for those of you who are always bringing Bliss into our lives through your kindness and love..Thank you

Prayers for chiari group..Cristina,Anna,Kira,etc..,Mark,Braydon,Madison,Sophia,
Moms group,Abi,All the little peanuts that hurt..

My five things..
1.Birthdays
2.songs that you can sing to really loud in the car
3.Bliss
4. Blessings
5. Flowers

Thursday, August 10, 2006 9:41 PM CDT

Today has been really hard for me, I'm just so sad I really can't hide it I just feel like crying all the time right now...
I watch Abi and it's like she's a shell of what she was..she doesn't really talk ,doesn't really want to play ..I hate it!
I could just hit myself for all those times I told her to calm down or stop talking....Because I want that now..not this...

Dr. B talked with Dr. Partington today to stress the real picture of whats going on ,he was concerned and thinks we should monitor her every night to make sure she's okay. I think they may rush the surgery a little bit..I am not going to be able to sit here and watch her go downhill I just can't.
With each week she gets worse.
Tonight I have her on 4 monitors and then tomorrow at 7am they will come get it and read the results. The good news is she seems to be pretty comfortable with all that on. I'm going to sleep in the girls room because I'm suppose to check her every 2 hours, that won't be a problem I'm not sleeping anyway.

I'm so sad my insides hurt...I pray tonight for strength and guidance for all of us....Sorry to be so down I wish I could be another way but for today I have to be this way.....

5 things
1.When your kids talk too much and bug you.
2.Dr. B
3.This journal
4.Praying
5.Knowing God is there

Thanks for checking in..LY Tracie

Wednesday, August 9, 2006 9:58 PM CDT

I am so tired but will try to fill you in on our day...
We were like I thought there all day and once again as long as I fed her in between tests Abi was a trooper...Basically what we found out was since Abi's Syrnix is at the base of the brainstem ( the brainstem controls many of our vital functions such as respiration and heartbeat) thats why she is having respitory issues as it grows so does our problems. Not the best news.
she also did blood/gas bloodwork waiting on those result..We are also having a nurse come out to set up a machine to tests her breathing at night so we can make sure thats not an issue. He did say he thinks it probably will be considering he has had similar cases.We will see....
Does all this make me a little nervous to wait until Aug. 31st for another MRI ?? Yes ..But I'm scared to push for one sooner to....

Well there you have it...Our Journey continues...

5 things I'm Thankful for
1.Abi and her strength
2. My Mom cooking meatloaf and mash potatos and having it ready after a long day..
3.My Faith and trust in God
4. Thunderstorms
5.Paul

Love ya ..I like it when you write so please do...I need a pick me up.....Prayers for the Chiari group and Sophia,Mark,Madison,Braydon,Abi,hugs out to the Moms club..

LY Tracie

Tuesday, August 8, 2006 9:38 PM CDT

Talked with Dr. B again today because Abi still is having some breathing issues so He said He would get us hooked up with the Respitory Critical care dept.
Sure enough we go in tomorrow to the hospital for testing ..I'm sure it will be a long day, I couldn't even tell you the names of all the tests because they all have long names that I can't pronounce.
My gut feeling is Yea...because something is not right and It may not be this but lets check it off the list ...It could just be a big deal made about nothing or there could be a real problem. We will see...
Just like tonight Abi's sisters are splashing in the pool and Abi is sitting in a chair with a blank look...Where is she?? I want her sparkle back ...I really don't feel good about sending her into surgery when she looks like this and on top of that breathing issues AHHHHHHHHH.....
Sometimes when I wake up I almost feel for a minute that things are the same then after a second I feel a wave of sadness and then I remember what is ahead for us on this journey. I told Lynda today that I want to say NO !! you can't operate and run like heck away as fast as I can and forget that it even happened but In that case we would be slowly reminded about our bad choice as she would only suffer....So we move forward with faith...

Things I'm not to thankful for
1.When my tomatos get bugs
2.Long days at Childrens Hospital
3.When Kaydee eats popcorn and puts it all over the rug and steps on it
4.being on hold for 10 minutes
5.my need for candy

Things I am grateful for
1.Friends who are always there..
2.Diet coke in the fridge at a perfect temp.
3.fat free cool whip
4.Kindness of strangers
5.Minty Ba Ba(our rat),Lola (our dog), The Birds,Rainbow(The fish) I love having life around me..

Love ya ...Prayers for all of you....Have a great day and enjoy whats around you and what you have...Smell the roses

Tracie

Monday, August 7, 2006 9:40 PM CDT

Well we ended up going to see Dr. B (He is the greatest)
He checked her over then had the respitory people come up and do some testing...I must say during the test"Hellga" or whatever her name was yelled at me and told me I would be leaving the room if I didn't stop helping...Well, Obviously she was unaware of who she was talking to ..So I decided to be nice leave the room and go to the bathroom....There was no doubt in my mind she had some control issues...Ha Ha

Abi sat like a trooper and blew as hard as she could into a machine..After about an hour of Abi almost passing out three times it was decided the test couldn't be used because it wasn't consistant...Thank You Hell-ga and have a nice day !!!

Dr. B said if she doesn't get better he wants us to go see a specialist!! What a Dr. we haven't seen yet!!! How exciting..NOT
Abi did have some trouble tonight she claimed when she lays down it's hard to breathe sometimes...Dr. B said he wants to know every little thing that goes on with her because of the seriousness of her situation we shouldn't overlook anything....Sounds good to me..I must report Abi has gained 7 pounds in two weeks...I told you she's eating a lot....Better her then me...

Well not sure if it was stress or a need for a change but I went and cut all my hair off..okay maybe I have a little but not much..the good news is I like it ..Matti informed me after looking it over for a couple hours, that she didn't care for it and wondered if I could get my hair back.....Abi said she likes it because I look like Zach and Codys mom from the disney channel.

Well tomorrow it's off to take Matti to see lynda at Childrens I just feel like she has some fears that she might need to talk about..Plus we have to support the parking ramps at the area hospitals ha ha.

I'm kind of a sassy pants tonight sorry I think its the short hair...Anyway, Take care and I'm Thankful tonight for all my wonderful blessings and for all the people I'm lucky enough to have in my life....Thanks

Here's my list
Things I'm grateful for
1. breathing
2.sunless tanning cream
3.socks when your feet are cold
4.Gift Cards
5.Coffee with extra cream

Things I'm not thankful for
1. Hell-ga
2.Tests that waste time
3.No sleep and bags under my eyes
4.Children who have to suffer
5.Having a broken heart

Love ya all prayers go out to those in need.....Tracie

Sunday, August 6, 2006 9:47 PM CDT

Well what a weekend..we had so much fun enjoying all the Village Fest Activities..Got to hang out with some great people and eat some not too healthy food it was nice to escape a little.
Today a friend of ours took all of us to a fancy Brunch at "Jax" The girls loved it, They were even given princess crowns. I even felt like a princess (No crown though) but the food was great and so was the company....
Because of the busy weekend around 6:00 came pay back the girls started having meltdown after meltdown ...Finally all of them went to bed Matti is actually still up she's having some fear issues lately hopefully it will pass.

Abi is doing pretty well she was the happiest this weekend then she has been in a while..I'm still not happy being on the steroid bus I just think it's causing more bad then good she is just not happy on them..My feeling is give her the best days before going in for this surgery..He said they probably wouldn't do anything anyway....I'll pray about it.
She is still having breathing issues enough to tell me about it..since the Brain people have blown us off It's time to pull out the big gun ""Dr. B" If it is bothering Abi I feel it should be checked...Come on people common sense!!!

Paul and I did make it to church together I had no idea He was struggling just as hard as I was to get through the hour..It's tough when you feel so emotional ..It's almost like you want to throw yourself on the altar and yell "HELP US GOD" ....We go to talk with the pastor on Wed. that will help us a lot..Sometimes you just forget what to pray for..

Well have a Great Monday ..We don't have to always like the path were on but we do have to keep walking.....One foot in front of the other....with God , not by ourselves..

Prayers for: Cristina,Sophia,Anna,Mark,madison,Braydon,Abi,Kiram,All the Chiari bunch, and Moms group....All the other little peanuts

FYI: St. Anthony fact, Did you know Sam D. Played guitar for a year..I think He really would like to be in a rock band...If anyone has an opening for a lead guitar player let me know and I'll tell him...Ha Ha

5 things..
1. petting zoos
2. Dr. B
3. The people in our life
4. fireworks
5. The moon and the way it glows

New family photo in view photos..check it out

Friday, August 4, 2006 5:34 PM CDT

Today was pretty frustrating for me (Doctor wise) so I will as usual be taking the weekend off..We are going to try and do some family things at Village Fest..LY all Tracie

Thursday, August 3, 2006 9:18 PM CDT

Hi, I'm feeling a little anxious tonight Abi had an okay day a little more talkative and a couple smiles.

Later though she started sweating and was saying she was having trouble breathing a little bit.
I just feel like this month of waiting and watching is going to be hard ..I'm trying not to panic but I'm going to call Dr. Wical and see if we can come see her tomorrow.Pain is one thing breathing is another..
She is sleeping in our bed tonight so Paul and I can make sure she's okay.

Today we tried to get a little school stuff done..supplies..My word are they going to college and why do they need 20 pencils ?? who uses that many..and then 1 eraser..I'm not the best at math but 20 pencils and 1 eraser, not good odds. By the time we left Target I needed a shot of vodka and a facial...

We took our monthly trip to 2nd harvest..That place is great!!It's funny to say but we like going there every month it's like food Christmas....But Matti is dropped now because she turns 6, but we will still get food for a while because of Kaydee. The kids were in heaven because they loaded our van with more cookies and cupcakes and danish then I had ever seen .......We've learned to make the best out of it and I don't want the kids to see it as a negative thing because we have to go get help... instead I want them to see it as a blessing and something we are so Thankful for..As I've said some day I'm going to give back to them...

I'm asking God tonight to help her little body hang in there and to help her be strong...I'm also praying for Him to guide me and to help lead me in the right direction.
Abi has gained already 5 pounds since starting her steroids...And is now taking 6 pills in the morning 2 at dinner and 2 at bedtime..Too many if you ask me..I'm thankful for medicine but on the other hand I hate it too....Thanks for listening

I'm praying for you Chiari club members and all the peanuts out there..keep the faith and never give up hope !!!Moms club be strong..Like we have another choice..

God please make this seem right..........

5 things...
1. 2nd Harvest and all they do for families
2.Lola
3.Our house
4.medicine
5.caringbridge page

Wednesday, August 2, 2006 10:09 PM CDT

Today I spent most the day with my Mom she had to go get injections for her back pain, It was nice to be with her we always have fun together....

Abi still is in her tired mood I swear she just eats and walks around or lays around not ever really saying anything...I'm going to try again to call Dr. Wical because I just have this feeling something isn't right..(I know a lot isn't right but I mean new stuff). Her cousin came over to play with her today and Abi would have no part in it she just didn't want to play and ended up calling me crying on the phone wanting me home.
Her little face is getting so puffy , she looks like a chipmunk..a cute one though...It sure would be nice to see her smile again...The only real pain besides neck right now seems to be her back.

I feel like Aug. is going to be a busy month must get ducks in a row...I don't even have school supplies yet. I have two girls going this year...and then Matti has a birthday on the 19th , Paul and I have our 11th anniversary also on the 19th.....then throw in a couple relative bdays and an MRI and getting everything ready for surgery ..I'm tired already ..But It's sad to say when the threat of surgery is in the air It really opens my eyes to whats important..My Family and taking the time to enjoy them...

Here is my list for tonight...
I'm thankful for
1.My MOM
2.Music
3.T-bone steak and a cold glass of Chardonnay
4.The way Kaydee dances to radio Disney
5.Giggles of children

I'm thankful for all of you who without fail have stood by us and have given so much love and support...You have touched my heart forever and I mean that.....You really help us in this fight..

Ly Tracie
Pray for all those little children who don't have too much to smile about but do it anyway....We can so learn from them

Tuesday, August 1, 2006 9:10 PM CDT

The rain came and that just makes the earth seem okay again....
Found out today that Abi's surgery will be scheduled for the 19th of Sept., It will be at least 4 hours and at Gillette.
I have to tell you I feel pretty overwhelmed right now concerns about school and if she will have issues before that ..I feel a little uneasy waiting that long.Blah Blah Blah
She had a pretty rough day today couldn't keep her eyes open she is so tired almost to the extreme..Those of you that know Abi know that she doesn't sulk around. She wasn't really even talking she just looked sad. Breaks my heart.......

I'm going to pray extra hard for God to just hold her really tight and lift her spirits a little.She's just a little peanut....I wish for so much more for her......
Just getting the date is a red bulls eye , It's hard to start the official count down...A small part of me (Tiny,Tiny part) still holds on to the hope of that chance her MRI will look better...Miracles?????

I keep beating myself up over this by eating brownies,twinkies and all other kinds of food that isn't on my WW plan..I need to pull myself up off the floor realize this is not my fault and start taking care of me again ..I must say right now I feel like I've pulled two all nighters and just got done eating at an all night truck stop..I'm waiting for the morning when I wake up and care about me again...maybe tomorrow.

Here is my grateful for list....
1. All of you
2. Rain
3. the way leaves are all shaped differantly
4. kisses
5. When I go into the girls bedroom at night after they are asleep and I touch each one of them and I know they are all safe and home

Love ya ...Tracie
Prayers for all of you...........

Monday, July 31, 2006 9:37 PM CDT

Hi, Well i spent 2 hours today filling out forms for anything Hennepin county can give us..We will see won't we ,stay tuned...
I love Monday I always feel so strong and ready to go...
I called Dr. P and talked with Crystal to kind of find out what the plan is..
I know the steroids haven't really helped her on the outside but I guess we are going to keep her on them until the 31st I have to call Crystal back with a good day for surgery after that...There's a problem !! Is there a good day for this surgery?? Not on my calander....
So we are looking at the first two weeks of Sept.
All I can say is GREAT once again school starts with a bang. I just want that first week of school to be special for Matti so I'm going to try hard to get the procedure scheduled for the second week. Not sure if they will want Abi to start or if she will even be able to by that time.It's Fine I'll just breathe in and out..........I'm sorry but this just stinks....

Abi and I went to our class tonight and after a fun day at her friend Elizabeths house she was pretty worn out..I enjoyed my class we talked,did some breathing exercises It was kind of like Lamaz class without the baby part...Anyway it was good for me and Abi loves it so we will keep going.

We talked a lot about being grateful for five things a day and since this is the only journal I have you get to read them each and every day...so here we go
1. blow dryers
2.Family
3.air conditioning
4.prayers
5.smiles

Have a cotton Candy day tomorrow...I think if we all ate cotton candy just a little each day the world would be a better place....and did Marshmellow art..

LY ...
Prayers go out to all the Chiari Gang...
Mark,Sophia,Braydon,Anna,Cristina,Madison,

Keep writing we love to read them......

Monday, July 31, 2006 7:06 AM CDT

Hello, well the weekend wasn't too bad the last couple of days Abi hasn't been doing that well very pale and tired, not sure if the steroids are doing that or just her body...I'm calling today to find out.
My thoughts on the steroids are I don't see a great change He didn't think they would do anything anyway..Let's get her off of them. Her face is all puffy and she is miserable at times..but I must say she doesn't complain about it she just keeps going..what a trooper.

Busy weekend we were able to do some stuff with friends and just some family activities..so It was nice..

A lot of people have called or have asked me about making the right decision as far as surgery or no surgery..To us there are no choices there is no way we could sit and watch Abi waste away knowing we could of done something to help...Dr. P really didn't feel it was a choice either..
The MRI is scheduled for the 31st I would think surgery right after ...

I'm going back downtown to fill out forms since it looks like I will not be employed for a while ..wish me luck..This time I'm going to not look so together maybe that was my problem..I think I'll carry my stuff in a trash bag too I noticed a lot of those.
So if you see on the news " Frantic lady freaks out at Gov. Center" It's just me...ha ha

Have a good day ..we have some girls that need your prayers ...Anna, Cristina, and all the Chiari Team....The more E-mails I get the more my heart breaks for people who have to deal with this...To all the Moms who wake up everyday knowing they have to play nurse..I pray for you..

Prayers too for Braydon,Madison,Sophia,Steve,Mark,And Moms club...

Hope some blessings come your way....keep your hands open...
Ly Tracie

P.S.- If you can help and support "Relay For Life" Team Bills Bunch..During Village fest..Help out PJ To reach the goal this year......Thanks

Thursday, July 27, 2006 9:22 PM CDT

Tonight I walked outside to turn off the sprinkler (don't know why it would take a magic wand to save our grass) I looked up into the sky as far as I could see almost like I thought God would show me his face or a hand or just something...then as I thought more I realized I don't need to see Him because if I take the time I feel Him inside ..He is the fight inside me the peace in the crazy and the comfort in the tears......
When I really think about it, not to get too deep I really believe, I really trust God ...It reminds me of the scene in the cartoon Alladin when He reaches out to Jasmin and says "Do you trust me"? It's almost like Gods doing that to me now and I have to either grab on to his hand or go on alone ......
Isn't it sad how it always takes a tragic turn of events for some to find the good in life. You always hear people on the news after a near death experience saying " I see life differant now, I stop and smell the roses now". Why didn't they before ?? Do people actually believe bad things don't happen?? Do me a favor and notice the good in your life don't get mad about dumb junk..Give God a reason to give you another day....
Goodnight LY Tracie

Wednesday, July 26, 2006 10:09 PM CDT

Hi, not sure if I have anything great to say tonight but I need to write because it helps me...
Abi and I were in the kitchen this morning and she was helping me do something so simple as feed the dog and instantly tears came to my eyes because I want so badly to grow old with her..It is so hard to know this gumball (as we call it)is growing inside her, I hate being where we are right now this stage of the game sucks I must say.

Abi had an okay day, she was pretty down all day I think the steroids were to blame there, she just walked around like she had lost her best friend I tried to talk her out of it a little but then she would just snap at me. Had some strange stuff going on where her face felt funny then she said when laying in bed and wanting to get up it was like the wind was blowing her down?????Not sure what that stuff was...Not sure I want to know.

All Abi has been talking about today is" Joes Crab shack" and how she wants to go there to eat !! She loves the fries?? Thats the steroids again I think...I told Paul we have to take her!So we may do that soon..Another wish is build a bear at the MOA , so we will do that too. She also wants a cell-phone and a lap-top and her ears pearced WE WON'T BE DOING THOSE....Ha Ha Thats pushing it...I would give her the world if I could...I just want us to do family stuff right now ..I want us to laugh together a lot!!

Paul and I will be meeting with our pastor soon just to talk I think it would help us to handle all this a little better...I know Paul said he had a hard time today, I know I did too.
Don't get me wrong I haven't given up hope I haven't but folks this is real life and bad things happen to good people all the time we know this...I'm just scared and thinking a lot, too much..but at the same time I'm trying to enjoy our time together as a family because I know how bumpy the road will be ahead.

If I can ask you could you please pray for the people who have to deal with Chiari and syringomyelia everyday, the more I learn about all the wonderful people who have this It is just heartbreaking..Anna,Cristina,Abi,Allison and so many more.

Prayers also for Braydon,Sophia,Mark,Steve,Madison and C.J
LY Tracie

Tuesday, July 25, 2006 9:42 PM CDT

Not sure if I'm numb to it all or if I'm in denial so I can get out of bed in the morning..But today I was kind of hit in the face with the truth when Dr. B called...
I started our conversation with..Please tell me Paul and I heard Dr. Partington wrong and it's really not as bad as we think...No, Tracie He said It's what you thought It's pretty bad.....
Hearing that from Him just made it so real and It was hard for me to hold it together at that point.He went on to say Dr. P is trying every resource he knows to try and find a differant path to take but so far there are none out there..And again Dr. P mentioned to him the concern over the already lost strength in her left side... he said to call Dr. P if the situation gets worse before you see him..That was it we promised to talk again in 2 weeks...Its hard when you have all these feelings inside but yet your expected to do your daily routine..Thats what I find difficult I know Paul does to.

Some days I feel strong and I can talk myself into the fact that this will be okay...But then days like today I feel the opposite. I pray for God to give us strength...It's funny how the things you ask for from God change I used to pray for a day with no pain for Abi now I'm praying for a life for her.

Please pray for all the people who suffer from Chiari...Prayers for Anna,Cristina,Madison,Braydon,Sophia,Mark,Abi,all the peanuts and Moms club too......

Love ya, please keep the entries coming I don't care what you write just say Hi...Bye Tracie

Monday, July 24, 2006 9:24 PM CDT

I love the journal entry about Dr. P Of course we should pray for him I know this is not easy for him either because he told us that..Thank you for that reminder...

Today I took Abi to the dentist and I'm happy to say No cavities..I prayed all the way there that we wouldn't have any, that would be one more thing to put on our all ready full plate.

I spoke with Dr. B and he was shocked by what I had to share with him..when we hung up he was going to call Dr. P right away to get the info from Him. The funny thing is I almost thought for a minute that maybe we misunderstood and the news wasn't as bad as we thought...I left to take Abi to her group and got his message on the machine when I got back..I have never in all the years we have known Him heard his voice so somber and sad, He said He would be in touch tomorrow and he had talked with Dr. P. Ahhhh Pickles,.
I did end up getting the award for most stressful week in my parents group, after I shared all my news all the Moms looked down at the floor thats when you know your life isn't going too hot!!!

I'm just going to get up in the morning and breathe in and out and be thankful God has given me all that He has, Thats all I can really do...Night time is when I talk to God in private and ask Him to explain and help me understand all this as tears run down my face...It just seems so not real to me sometimes..I wake up and forget for a little while, but then It creaps back in.

Prayers for all of you and Thanks...I just can't seem to pray enough right now so I'm glad you're helping too....
Love ya Tracie

Sunday, July 23, 2006 10:01 PM CDT

After Fridays news I wasn't sure I could stop crying let alone celebrate my birthday...Friday was just rough to say the least.
Sat. Morning After very little sleep I made my mind up to not stay in fear but move forward with Faith...I ended up pulling it together and had an amazing 40th Texas surprise party, It was great..Once again I was reminded of the wonderful people that I have been so blessed to have in my life. Thank You...

Not too many changes as far as Abi goes, on and off pain mostly in her legs and neck right now. The steroids make her so aggitated and restless At times also she is going to eat Everything in the house..wow

I decided it would not be the best time to start my new restraunt job so I put it on the back burner and will join them later after things are a little more calm(Whatever that is). They totally understood and I feel better knowing I don't have to leave her and go there ....I just feel I need to be Home.

As far as decisions go are there any?? How could Paul and I sit and watch Abi melting away and not do anything..Even though the risks are high there is still that chance , that little glimmer of hope. The part that is the nightmare of it all is the chance of losing her ..I can learn to handle any disability that could happen but the thought of never seeing her little face absolutely floors me...I also know that the longer we wait the more damage can occur and that we can't get back.

Abi asked me if she was going to have to have another surgery?? I told her we were going to try the steroids first and if we have to after that we will..I went on to tell her that if we don't take care of this she will end up in a wheelchair,It's that serious...Her comment back was" Thats okay I really don't mind operations anymore It's just a long nap".
Thank you God for her strength, It helps us all get through....

Thank you for all the prayers and support, couldn't do it without you..LY Tracie

Prayers for peanuts..

Thank you Angela,Kim,Heidi,Jodi for spending your Sat. helping our family.....LY

Friday, July 21, 2006 10:07 PM CDT

My heart breaks to tell this but we found out news today that hurts deeper than anything I've ever been through before..

Abi seems to be progressing fast and already is losing strength in her left side, The Dr. really is giving us two choices let this progress and she will never walk again and will probably lose all functions of her body..Operate and there is a high risk of living on a ventelator and never walking again and of course death.....A very high risk of these!! How do we make a choice? He did say a shot in the dark would be to put her on steroids that is what they do for patients with tumors ..so we are going to do that for a couple weeks even though he gave us no false hope that it would work.
In the mean time He is setting up the Operating Room because the longer we wait the worse the damage to her spinal cord.

What prayer do I say Now to help with this and how on earth do we let go of our little girl when we know the odds.

God to be honest I am not understanding all this please help me ....

Friday, July 21, 2006 11:59 AM CDT

On this day in history, a fantastic thing happened. Tracie was born and the world became a better place. Anyone that has got to know her, knows what a special person she really is. I just happen to be luckiest one, being the fact she actualy said yes when I asked her to marry me. Anyway, the nerves are running high today because of the appointment. I know we have alot of prayers coming our way, and we thank everyone for that. We will keep you notified on the results.I have to get going. Tracie is out getting her nails done and I am at home with the girls. If I don't go check on them soon, one will probably start screaming in a few seconds.
HAPPY BIRHTDAY TRACIE
I LOVE YOU,
Paul

Thursday, July 20, 2006 7:27 AM CDT

trying like heck to stay positive, this morning I woke up not feeling to up-beat...I know what tomorrow is and I have to say not looking forward to it. My Birthday on the other hand I am trying to be happy about it but with so much going on it's really not taking first place. I do feel it is a celebration of life but I'm not feeling real party hats and yipee right now..

On a good note I recieved my first Victoria Secret catalog yesterday, Not sure why ,I think they maybe find out who's turning forty and send it as a sick joke. Here's the deal though the girl on the cover looked 10 !! Now is that because I'm older?I may have reached that turning point where music is too loud, air conditioning is too cold and girls all look 10 I guess I should get my coin purse out for when I go out to eat...Well, maybe she was just 10....(Paul I tossed it so don't come home searching for it..Ha Ha)Any way Have a good day and I'm going to clean house and worry all afternoon why fight it...I will let it be what it is and today I choose to worry......

Tonight My Mom and I are going to the airport to see my brother He will be here for a couple hours between flights...I'll try not to hop on a plane..as tempting as it may be!! Not really I don't like to fly ...

Choose to be what you are today don't fix it just BE!!!!

LY Tracie
Prayers sent to all of you....

Wednesday, July 19, 2006 6:53 AM CDT

Yesterday morning was filled with the great sounds of summer,Matti and Kaydee fighting that seems to be the norm these days.
I think our household is a little tense right now with all thats going on. We did get out yesterday and go to Gillette for the firefighters carnival, it was great the girls had a blast!! When we were there Dr. Wical called and we talked a little about Abi and her pain right now Basically she said the report from the MRI didn't sound good and to keep Abi comfortable ..give her Valium every 6 hours if needed.. She was going to run down and talk with Partington , the last thing you want to hear is that a surgeon is taking time to think, she said..But I already knew it was bad so there were no surprises there. She also said to keep Abi pretty mellow so she doesn't hurt that neck , Abi has been more mellow lately anyway.It was good to finally touch base with someone...

After the carnival we went to Pauls work, the other girls had never been there..Matti was in heaven all those computers in one area!!!The people there are so great ..The two women who share Pauls' space are like family to us.It's always fun to go there....Thanks

Stopped in at Chili's on the way home(maplewood) where I first worked here in MN..It felt like going home it gave me a sense of comfort and made me sad ..I got to see some friends that are still there and then the Mongovens stopped by (He's the GM) so it turned out to be a great stop.

Abi had her teacher at 4:00 so by the time we got home she had to spend most of her teaching time laying down ,but Kristine always adjusts and doesn't care either way....

I had to go do more training at 5:00 but ended up only being there an hour again instead of three..Looks like opening day will be later then the 24th..they haven't had inspection yet because the construction has to be done..The good news about that is I won't have to be there Friday and after meeting with Dr. Partington we can try and celebrate me being old...

Today I'm going to enjoy the rain and focus on the blessings in my life I have so many...All of you are included in that list. Take care and keep the faith..LY Tracie

Prayers for peanuts....

Hi lunchbox lady!!!!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006 7:04 AM CDT

Thanks again for the great e-mails they really lift me up...

Yesterday we had an eye appt. for Abi but because of the effect the syrinx can have on vision I thought it would be best to wait in order to get a true exam. Instead we went to our afternoon appt the class at childrens with Abi's phychologist, I also went to the parents group best money I've ever spent it really helps me to go to that and I figured now more than ever Abi needs it too.

Today Gillette is having a carnival sponsored by the fire dept. so if everyone feels up to it we will go out there this morning and then maybe stop at Pauls work to say Hi.

I called Dr. Wical yesterday to get her thoughts about the MRI and to see if there is a medicine we could put Abi on for some constant neck pain relief instead of these highs and lows we are having now. Her nurse called and said she was too busy that she would call today. It always seems when its not that important they always get a hold of you but when you really need the reassurance and just to know things are going to be okay You can't get a hold of anyone...oh well guess I'll call God He's always there....

Today I'm going to enjoy the day ,stay in the day and know today is all I have ..and it's a GIFT...

Love ya all .....Tracie

Prayers for Braydon,Bauers,Steve,PJ,and Sophia,Mark,Madison,Anna,Abi,Chiari Kids,MCAD KIds,Moms club

Hi Tom..

Sunday, July 16, 2006 9:40 PM CDT

I can't thank everyone enough for the love and support you have been giving us....The days are going to be long until our big Appt. with Dr. Partington Friday.
It helped that I had a busy weekend so my mind was busy, It's the times when the house and my mind gets still that are the hardest , I try so hard to spend that time praying but I get so detoured then I also find myself trying to say the right thing...God doesn't care if I stumble my words He knows I hurt and I love Abi so much that I don't want anymore pain for her...This situation is hard because part of me wants to shout NO DEAL!!!
No more surgeries but then the real part of it all is she would end up far worse if left untreated her syrinx would keep growing ...As Kaydee would say " Oh Pickles".

So the plan is for me to try and hold it together until Friday then I will probably lose my last marble (Yep I only have one left) My only hope is that Paul picks me out a nice "crazy House " to go to when this is over because all I will be able to handle is finger painting in the craft room and being spoon fed by an orderly.

So for today I will be strong put my game face on do what needs to be done on a Monday but my heart will still be sad and the frustration of dealing with this will still be there....sometimes I have to kick things around a little before I can turn it over to God. Before I can be true and give something to God I have to accept it, I'm not ready to do that with this yet...

Peanuts I'm keeping the prayers coming ..Prayers go out to you too Moms club...keep praying....Thank you
Love ya all Tracie

Friday, July 14, 2006 10:42 PM CDT

I started to go to bed tonight, tears would not let me fall asleep so I thought I would come journal instead..
I heard back today not from Dr. P but from His schedule person...She said He has to really think on this for a while and needs His partner to look it all over too she regrets that it will be a little bit yet but He needs the time and she stressed that.
So we are going to see him Friday at 4:00..Perfect day ,my 40th bday a day of celebration of life will be destroyed by a celebration of Neurosurgery...Great!

Not sure why today has been so hard much harder than usual I just hurt my heart hurts and I can't shake it ..I feel like a dark cloud is above and sucking the spirit right out of me..all I want to do is cry..I'm praying for God to help me to understand all this , All I can say to Him right now is I just don"t get it??? So until friday gets here I know I will just be a freak...So either stop reading till then or let me go through what I need to I guess....I hope you stay...

Once again we seem to be a house turned upside down but I know we will bring out the band-aids when its over just like we always do...

I'm feeling sorry for myself but ya know what I'm sad and for tonight I just have to be that way..Because I just keep looking at Abi and thinking how can this be??It's not right....Why????

Ly Tracie

Thursday, July 13, 2006 9:38 PM CDT

Still waiting for the call from the N-Surg Dr. P, not sure he knows what to do either....
I just kind of feel beside myself I must say..a little taken back and scared...
I see Abi not doing well much of the day had to give her Valium right away this morning the sad part is she asked for it.
Talked with a friend of mines sister today and she explained the spinal cord to me and the facts of what Abi has going on right now are frightening, the spinal cord width as an average (thats adults) is 20mm Abi has a cyst measuring at 15mm in her spinal cord..If that keeps growing which it will she will be in pain more than probably I've ever seen and I have to say that is not someplace I want to go. I don't want them going in there and messing around by her lungs and heart either though..Please God Help me to process all this I'm having a hard time taking it all in..everyday it's a new overwhelming fact..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Hopefully he will call tomorrow with a plan but then again as I've said before Once the plan is told the dealing with it is the hard part.

I started my job tonight well training..I guess I will be a server first and then if I want to tend bar I can I prefer to serve because they are open until 1:00am wow thats late...It was funny being there tonight kind of forgot all my troubles and got excited about being in the business again, I love people so I love being a waitress I really do..I will go back again tomorrow...

The days are long right now but I'm keeping the faith ....I feel like I just did 5 pull-ups on the PE bar in highschool and I'm trying like heck to hold on but my body is saying No way you'll do another pull-up and my mind is saying hold on hold on....I've found when your in situations like this its hard to trust,hope and believe but then again when your in situations like this what else is there but Faith.....

Goodnight...LY Tracie

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 9:46 PM CDT

I must say I'm feeling kind of heavy hearted right now..I just don't feel even close to being ready for whats probably coming around the corner. I always think the same thing everytime we enter a new level to this game, if I can just have a little bit to get everything glued and taped back together..But for now it really seems like it's one thing after another, sometimes I wonder if things will ever get back on track????

Abi has neck pain constantly all day now with little relief I've started giving her more pain meds on a daily basis It seems to help, she also feels like her arms are tight and she is constantly feeling like she has to stretch them. If this is the change we've had in a month I don't want to think about how she'll feel in another month when the syrinx is even bigger...Dr. B did call and say he finally spoke with Dr. P and he is discussing Abi with his partner and trying to figure out what is going on. I must admit I'm scared and I know Paul is too.. Dr. P will call tomorrow with a bunch of stuff I probably don't want to hear.

We were graciously given a couple Old Navy gift cards , so to get out of the house we went school shopping we had a blast..three girls in a dressing room pretending to be Barbie at a fashion show was a little much but it was fun...

Well time to go to sleep morning will be here soon enough..Take care and don't give up on miracles I'm not....
God hasn't let me down yet.

LY Tracie...Prayers for peanuts

Lost .6 at WW not great but not a gain...total 26.8

Hi Tom

Tuesday, July 11, 2006 8:31 PM CDT

Okay Christopherson Family will it be door number one or two?
We'll take door number two!!!!
Bob tell the family what they've won!!!
Not only is the swelling in the spinal cord worse the Syrnix has almost doubled in size since last month......
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MIRACLE????????????

Dr B called and filled us in on the not so good news, We have yet to hear from Dr. Partington . I will let you know when we know more....LY Tracie

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMY...........

Monday, July 10, 2006 10:10 PM CDT

The morning was started by two dental appts. Matti and Kaydee.
Last time we went Matti cried so hard we couldn't even get her in the chair, this time it went great with her...Kaydee did okay she was so scared but tried really hard not to cry and got through it, no cavities Yea !!! I was really proud of both of them.

Then it was off to take Abi for her MRI , we got there and I asked about when to give her the big dose of valium? They almost seemed worried like what if something happens etc.. They ended up putting a monitor on her but really I wasn't too worried we have such a good relationship with valium and haven't had a problem. Abi ended up falling asleep and didn't move at all during the hour film..she did great!!
I tried so hard to get some info about the film but all I could get out of her was the fact that the syrnix is still there..Is it bigger or smaller who knows?? I will hear tomorrow I hope. I just kind of got a bad feeling from her but maybe I was wrong.
We ended up going to St. Paul to Gillette to get her shunt turned down and so we finally got home around 6:00. Long day
I always get so stressed out before an MRI and I cry a lot because a picture can be life changing and we know that..when its done I just eat ice cream and wait for the phone to ring.

The Village pub called and said they are not going to open until the end of July, thats fine I kind of need a little time to get my ducks back in a row I feel like they're everywhere..I have never felt so un-organized , Not a good feeling for me. Maybe it's because I will be turning 40 this month maybe old age is setting in...It's about time for me to get those little reading glasses isn't it??

Today driving back from the Doctor I saw, instead of one person standing with a sign asking for money it was two people and thier two dogs.... I wondered to myself if they would collect more than say one homeless guy with a sign??
Can't you just see us ....Paul, Me the three girls, Lola,the four birds,rainbow our fish,Minty the rat and one big sign..
That would be a sight, we are'nt to that point yet..Ha Ha

Have a good day remeber to leave your arms open for God to put blessings in them...When he does don't forget a Thank you.....LY Tracie

Prayers for Amy K and Family, Anna who had surgery,New baby Olander,Sophia,Braydon,Madison,Mark,Abi,and all of the other little peanuts out there....

Saturday, July 8, 2006 2:32 PM CDT

Well this weekend is the last one as Nativity Nursery Coordinator..I will miss it I know that to be true..just because I was always happy when I was there doing little lessons with the kids , seeing them smile and laugh when we did silly stuff. Anyway life happens and things change ....I did hear from the Village pub and I did get the job as a bartender three nights a week , training starts Wed.

Abi has had some real issues lots of neck pain and her headaches seem to be back, there is also a serious issue with dizziness. We went to see Dr. Wical Thursday and she did not like what she was hearing so she ran down and found Dr. P and now instead of an MRI In Sept. we are having one Monday. They think the srynix could be growing!! But of course I know that not to be the case because I ordered that miracle remember....
She was put back on her two pain meds but a little stronger than before..at least we got a short break...

When my brother was here he told me that he didn't see how we were doing all this..I thought to myself sometimes I don't God takes over and without him we wouldn't be doing it......

There are also a lot of people, Good people who have been there for us , don't think for one minute that this world of ours has turned sour because we have seen otherwise time and time again. Thank you and God bless all of you!!!!

Forgetting what lies behind and staining forward to what lies ahead,I press on toward the goal for the prize..........

Prayers for Anna,New baby Olander and Mom,and all the peanuts...LY

Thursday, June 29, 2006 7:19 AM CDT

Yesterday ended up being a good day..Abi and Matti went to see the movie Cars with Alyna (COUSIN) and Grandpa..they had a blast.
I got a visit from a friend of mine from church and she really brightened my day.
I went to WW last night and recieved my 25 pounds award and now I'm 9 pounds away from my goal..wow when I started It seemed so far out of my reach...
Then I went and had dinner with some friends so it was a good end to a nice day.
The night was a differant story Abi cried all night about neck pain , Kaydee is catching a cold so she was up too..Oh well like I say sleep is over rated....
Today I'm filled with a little anxiety I'm going for an interview with the new Village pub over by my house they aren't open yet but it is suppose to be a nice place with a good menu..Wish me luck..I just need income something I can go do give 120% while I'm there but not have to bring it home ..so we will see..whats meant to be will be.
Well thats all for now may God be with each and everyone of you today...LY Tracie

Prayers for peanuts, and those of you making changes in your lives....

Tuesday, June 27, 2006 9:37 PM CDT

I'm kind of laughing tonight wondering if people actually read this and then I wonder why..I just tend to blah blah blah but ya know what this is such an outlet for my mental sanity I can't even tell ya.
I decided to get the kids out of the house and go to the park that has the little pool thats knee deep, I would love to go to the water park but don't think Abi's neck could take it right now. It was very nice and peaceful but the funny part was I spent the time talking with a grandma who also gets help from the local food shelf so we traded recipes using canned beef... once you get past the silver can with a black cow on it really it's not bad..hee hee I have to laugh because this really isn't the way I thought my life would go but ya know what I'm proud enough to share it with all of you because I'm not ashamed , if anything this whole situation has made me a better person. I do go to 2nd harvest and I must say if you ever want to make a donation somewhere I don't think you could find a better place ,they are kind and they really help people lots of people and the good news is There are no hoops to jump through it was pretty simple to sign up. I know I will be giving to them in the future.....
Paul and I have been working around the house like crazy trying to get it ready for my brother and his family, they will take over the basement..and be staying for 5 days...

Everyday I read my daily word and today was just great thought I'd share a little with you.......

A wise woman once offered this comfort:Imagine your life as a staircase-each step is a part of your journey. Some steps are smooth some steps have cracks. Now picture a strong and secure handrail alongside each step of the staircase; that handrail represents the strength and security we have in God.
Along our journey through life, God is with us. We meet each day with assurance because God is ever present as our guide,our comfort, and our strength in every situation.

Love ya ..have a good day..use your handrails....

prayers for peanuts

Monday, June 26, 2006 9:53 PM CDT

What a day of running around..Yuck!! We sarted out by going to Dr. E at Childrens in st. paul I get so lost there it's crazy...Abi had a headache on the way and felt like she was going to throw up so that also added a fun twist. The Dr. appt was kind of a waste of gas and parking $$$ because he asked how her meds were doing and asked if I wanted to put her on a medicine to make her focus a little more (ADHD Meds) I said No Thanks, then we left..
The second appt. was better for both of us, It was Abi's relaxation support group she went in and I ended up talking with the lady leading the parents group ,she just wanted to let us know what the kids would be doing over the next 10 weeks.
She worked with all of us (Parents) and we did some relaxation exercises I have to tell you I haven't felt that good in a while and all I did was take time to breathe!!We also talked and shared differant things..It was Great, I don't care about the cost I have to go back and do it for my well-being...
Abi ended up loving her first class so we both agreed it's a go.

I realized that what I need is a support group somewhere I could go to say I get it I know exactly where your coming from...Thats something I will work on...

We are all getting excited with the fourth of july almost upon us and my brother and his family coming to visit from FL., lots to do though of course lucky me, that I'm a clean freak it helps in situations like these....

remember to breathe, and take care of you!! We are always so good at taking care of others we forget about ourselves..

Not to pressure you but drop me an e-mail I would love to hear from you....Sometimes it's like I'm talking to myself..
Love ya Tracie

Prayers for Anna,Mark,Sophia,Braydon,Madison,Abi,Chiari kids,MCAD kids...Moms club,PJ,Karl,Baily

Sunday, June 25, 2006 10:07 PM CDT

Kind of a wild weekend with the Big Garage sale...I always ask myself when it's all over if it's worth all the hard work???

I worked today ,I sure had mixed emotions, sad because I love working with those little kids they have become such a joy in my life...On the other hand I felt like I can breathe a little easier knowing I'm taking some things off my plate..I just always felt guilty that I couldn't give the position the time and energy they wanted. My last Sunday will be July 9th..We will still be members so at least I will get to see all the wonderful families I've met over the years.Paul and I will be able to worship together and I'm really happy about that. I am a little scared to change but I just feel It's time and God will walk with me...

Abi had a makeover this weekend our friend Amy took her Sat. for a day of pamper..By Kelly, she gave Abi such a cute hairstyle and then curled it and a touch of spray she looked great and had fun too.
We are getting back into some neck pain issues and headaches..
Today she slipped on one of the kids toys in the yard and snaped her head back pretty hard I was a little worried but hopefully she won't be too uncomfortable tomorrow. We start our Monday off with two Doctor appts tomorrow, Abi starts her group for kids who have health issues etc.. I think It will be great for her..They had one for parents but of course Hers is covered under insurance mine would be a hundred dollars, so I think I will go get a cup of tea and talk to myself for free...Ha Ha..We also go to her Phyciatrist and I have to explain to him why I'm not giving her all the meds he wanted me to give her..I know I'll act like a kid and say "Cause I didn't feel like it" and then maybe I can throw in a "Whatever".

The sermon today was pretty powerful for me today, He talked about how life throws us roadblocks and how we respond to them depends on if we let God help us or not ,I've always felt I could draw my strength from Him..The more lately I seem to trust the less fear I have, I could walk into a dark situation and know God would light the way ..He does not let me fall he holds on tight ..I am so greatful i have learned that by going through all this.

Take care and remember we are never alone open yourself up to God and enjoy the benefits he has to offer !!!

LY Thanks for reading this.....Prayers for peanuts and for all of you.........

Trying to get new pictures soon...stay tuned

Saturday, June 24, 2006 6:10 AM CDT

Good morning....Enjoy this day God has given us.....

Come see me at my Yard sale today!!!!!!

LY Tracie

Thursday, June 22, 2006 8:29 PM CDT

Okay in my defense I was not stalking the bike lady of St Anthony, I followed her with Matti and Kaydee in tow because I've kind of always looked out for her..gave her duct tape one time and helped her with her bike another time...you get the picture !! So anyway I did follow her the other night while I was on my walk to see if she lived somewhere and when I found out it was a house and not a cardboard box I felt better....
I just felt like I should explain that and whoever wrote that (John I bet) very funny ha ha..make me look crazier then I already do look..
Have a great weekend you guys look out for each other ..I have my BIG sale so probably won't journal until Monday...Stop by the sale hope to see you then..bring lots of $$ to shop or just stop by to say Hi....Love ya Tracie

Prayers for peanuts!!!and PJ

Wednesday, June 21, 2006 10:17 PM CDT

I will be leaving my position at Nativity in The first part of July. I just feel in fairness to them and myself I just cannot do the job to it's full potential. I have been there three years and have enjoyed it a lot but I do feel It's time to go. It has been a lot of extra stress and I can't balance it anymore. So if you see me standing by Target with a sign please toss me a couple coins..Ha Ha..I pray God shows me direction.

Today was an emotional day for me we went to the IFMA awards to watch Some of our wonderful IFMA family get the recognition they so deserve !!I made a little thank you speech and after looking out at all those people that have done so much for us , I could barely say the words through my tears. They will always be such a big part of our family..Thanks again guys....
I'd also like to say Hi to Tom, he says he reads this faithfully!!!

Abi had a bad neck day so stiff her shoulders were raised up ...she does that to guard it from moving, its amazing how she has learned to just take care of it and move on ..same with her headaches lately she'll come in lay down and then when the pain is gone she gets up never says a word mostly..
She is still constantly hurting herself twisting her ankle and burns there is a list everyday a new mark of some sort.

I went to WW tonight and gained 1.4 oh well...I couldn't stay for the meeting because I have so much on my mind today I didn't think I would be able to listen or sit still.

tomorrow is get ready for sale day.. Moms coming over and we are putting prices on everything I pray the weather holds out and we have a great sale...come shop..Fri/Sat 9-4 love to see you no need to buy anything. Bring Margarita's and chips and salsa, I love that with garage sales doesn't everyone????

Change is hard , but with it does come growth..I know God will take care of me and my Family. He sure hasn't let us down yet.....He's got our back...

I thank you for being here .....LY Tracie

Prayers for Anna,Madison,Baily,Sophia,Mark,Abi,Braydon, Chiari kids,MCAD Kids,all the peanuts out there with Boo Boos...
Prayers for you too Moms club

Monday, June 19, 2006 9:51 PM CDT

I have never really had heart burn but tonight for some reason I have it....I have had a day full of anxiety and I just keep putting things on paper thinking it will make me calm down and feel a little more organized, but It's not working.
It's funny how much having gone through what we have changes you as a person ,your goals you once had just shift into a totally new direction, life seems so much more important and other things just seem to fade off the list....I see a lot of things in a differant light.I'm pretty sure this is making no sense to you but it does to me...

Today Abi had some headache issues and a lot of dizziness for a time but it passed..I just try to make light of it but then sometimes I think it's her body showing me things are not healing...But oh yea I asked for that miracle!! Everytime the UPS truck drives by I think He's going to drop it off but then He goes to a neighbor instead...oh well I'll wait.

Good news at the dentist today ..NO Cavities YEA ME!!!I guess not eating 25 candy bars a day pays off not just in the waistline....

Well tomorrow Abi starts her summer school (At Home) Thanks to Pauls parents...I'm so glad she will be getting extra help.

My brother and his family are coming for a visit on the 2nd..It will be so great to spend time with them.

Well Goodnight for now..LY Tracie ..Tonight I will Thank God for all of you.....

Prayers for peanuts....

Sunday, June 18, 2006 10:08 PM CDT

Here we are again another Monday.....Let's all try to make it a good one !!!
The weekend was a busy one, lots of stuff to do around the house there never seems to be enough time to get all the stuff done.
Fathers day was celebrated by Paul working in the house while I was working at church, nothing says Happy Fathers day like doing dishes, making beds and picking up naked barbies off the floor. I hope he knows how important he is to us....We love you Paul !!! I took the girls to the dollar store so they could each pick out a couple gifts..It's always fun to see what they get. Abi decided on Nails,A flag bandana,and bubbles...Matti picked out a water gun,and a magnet toy...Kaydee was very serious about her choices they ended up being some Ninga warrior dolls and peanut butter cookies.....Paul loved them all.

We will be having the ever so eventful Garage sale, but this year it will be a Yard sale !!!! So come one come all bring lots of money and shop shop shop.....Fri/Sat

I have to send out a big congrats!!to a friend of ours Amy..Way to finish the race..We are proud of you!!!

Let's try something ..Be nice to everyone you meet today..Take time to smile and wish them a nice day...I will if you will....
LY Tracie

Prayers for all the Fathers out there who are making a wonderful differance in the lives of thier children...and for all the peanuts......

Thursday, June 15, 2006 10:28 PM CDT

Well tonight I decided to stay up and read my ASAP( American Syringomyelia Alliance Project) booklet I got in the mail. Now that Abi has an official syrinx I can belong to another club.Wow it is a little eye opening to say the least.
I read that over time a syrinx can elongate destroying the center of the spinal cord. Problems from a syrinx can be pain,loss of sensitivity to hot or cold,muscle weakness,loss of bladder control,osteoporosis,Paralysis or quadriplegia.
Okay don't want to play anymore !!! I know this may not be the case with us because remember I'm asking God for the BIG
"M "(Miracle)....Every night I have been going in her room touching the back of her neck and praying for God to heal her....It just has to work.
She did wake up this morning in not too good of shape because she did too much,Dr. P said let her be a kid and do what she wants, so I do but She usually pays the check for that.Oh well...
I did get my Radiology report today I must of read it twenty times basically it said she has a striking edema of the spinal cord from 2thru 5 and new was the form of a syrinx ..

Her Dr. appt went well today we took the whole gang they played in the hospital play area while Abi was in with Lynda. Abi made it very clear when we got there that she didn't want me in the room..Boy that was a great pat on the back for my motherhood...
Lynda is going to start a group for kids Abi's age that have been through a lot of medical stress and pain issues, I think that will be good for Abi to see it's not just her other kids go through it too....

Tonight we had a pizza party and ice cream sundaes and laughed like crazy..We are all nuts I think, but at least we can still laugh.

I love the bible verse about faith the size of a mustard seed and being able to move mountains.....Many times in my life I have felt like I did move mountains I'm sure you have too...When you look back and wonder how you got through ...That's when you really know the grace of God...

Goodnight...Thanks for checking in..have a Great Friday....
If you have to move mountains (I hope you don't) Do it with God ....LY Tracie

Prayers for peanuts....

Wednesday, June 14, 2006 9:45 PM CDT

Just signing in to say all is well.
Got a letter from Dr. P today it was a little song and dance for me but didn't say anything I didn't hear when we spoke.
Our MRI is scheduled for the first part of Sept.

Tomorrow we go to Abi's Phycologist and hopefully I can swing by and speak with Dr. B, I also requested a copy of her last MRI because I always like to read the report for myself and to keep a copy on hand. I'm bossy like that.

Tonight at WW I almost reached 25 pounds just short by .2 so hopefully that will be the case next week...I do feel good and I feel pretty proud of myself for a change.

I also want to say Thank you to the mystery person who has been sweet enough to send us a Walmart card two weeks in a row..Thank you..And Thanks to all of you who have prayed for us, brought over food etc...We haven't felt alone through this whole ordeal and I want you to know that means so much...I have to say we are so blessed !!!

There is nothing better than knowing God is holding your hand !! We are never alone.....

Have a good one !!! LY Tracie

prayers for Anna,Mark,Madison,Braydon,Sophia,Bauers,Baby Olander,Moms club,Chiari Kids,MCAD Kids....Abi

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MERIDEL...(Mother-in-law,Mom, Grandma)

Tuesday, June 13, 2006 10:26 PM CDT

Once upon a time there was a little family, this family had a Mom and Dad and 3 girls.
Dad and Mom had always worked hard and paid taxes returned grocery carts and owned an American flag.
One day the little family hit a road block and then another and then another..so the little family knew since they lived in the United States they of course without doubt could get help from thier local government.
So the little family filled out form after form and was then asked for more forms and then once again more forms. So then the little family waited for the help to arrive because after all they lived in the United States and here it's all about helping !!
One day the letter arrived to the little family, boy the help had finally arrived the little family was so happy!!!
Until they opened the letter and found after all the forms after all the knowing that help would arrive They were DENIED!!
The little family was sad for a moment but then realized they must of seen so much potential in this little family, that they knew help wasn't needed after all.......The End

Sunday, June 11, 2006 9:18 PM CDT

Today is a new day, isn't it great the fact we can start a clean slate everyday?The bad part is it's hard to forget about the days you had before and then comes the worry about the ones ahead...But yet we continue our journey.....

I've made a couple plans for my future, I'm going to plan on a miracle..I've decided that's what Abi needs and so thats what I want !!! Do I believe the syrnix will go away and get better ? No ,not really . I do believe God makes miracles everyday so that is what I want....A miracle...A true blue healing can't believe my eyes miracle....I'm going to touch her neck everynight and pray for God to heal her.. Sound crazy ? I don't care , God always tells us to ask doesn't He?? So I'm going to.........

Abi has had an okay weekend ,some pain issues with her neck and arms but nothing too severe. Still having dizziness tends to run into things all the time the bad thing is she doesn't get hurt by it, sometimes It is almost like she doesn't feel it . I also think her celexa makes her pretty hyper..but her anxiety seems a little more under control.
I'm just glad she is out playing and living like a kid...It's nice to have everyone together..

Here is a parent warning for you...We decided to go to the library to get some books movies etc.. we ended up getting the Bratz doll DVD and after only a few minutes watching it ,Kaydee my 3 year old comes in the kitchen holds out her arms and says " Come on Girls, Let's get this party started"
So that was the end of that. next she'll want thong underware and a cell phone and Paul to drop her off at the mall....ha ha

Matti is doing good , still has sandpaper skin and still driving her father to his breaking point..Paul thinks she is so good at it because she is so much like me...Thanks what a nice thing to say....hee hee

Lola lost all her hair, NO I didn't do it this time ..I love when it's short because she stays cleaner..She does look funny but it will grow.

For me I have missed a couple meetings at WW so time to get back on track I miss it when I'm not there with my WW buddy.
I did enjoy being back at work today I got to see my little nursery friends and I was reminded why I love my job so much..The kids!

I read something in my daily word the other day I liked it so much I wrote it down and taped it on the wall. Maybe you will like it too....God encourage me to be joyful,to be aware that there is so much to be thankful for in my world...

So for today I will do just those things ,pray for a miracle that only God can deliver and be joyful for life.....It doesn't matter if things haven't turned out the way I planned it's still mine and I choose (just for today) to squeeze all the juice out of the orange!!! I encourage you to do the same..Don't wait for the Joy bus to come get you find it in yourself..God wants us to be Happy

Thanks for stopping in..LY Tracie

prayers for the peanuts , Anna,Mark,Braydon,Sophia,Madison,Chiari kids and families,Abi,MCAD kids and families,

Thursday, June 8, 2006 9:31 PM CDT

Ya know how you always tell people that you are feeling hopeful because you really want to feel that ,But after a while you really have a hard time because you get so tired of the long fall that you experience when you land flat on your face once again.
That's how I know how strong God and His love for me is because I get up and dust off, I know I couldn't do that without Him.
Dr. Parrtington was very happy to see Abi looking cheerful and good with very little pain,we all are..(here comes the BUT)
The MRI that before surgery had shown swelling of her spinal cord is worse now she has formed a syrnix (A fluid filled cavity that develops in the spinal cord)the very thing we were trying to avoid by surgery. So where do we go from here? Dr. P made it very clear he doesn't want to operate on Abi now or soon because the trauma has really had an impact on her mentally. He did say if the syrnix doesn't get bigger we may be able to manage it ,if she does start having worse symptoms or If it does grow then we have problems because there is no choice but to take care of it, and he mentioned several things that can happen after that type of surgery that scared me bad enough to probably never go through it anyway. We will have an MRI in 3 months.
I really don't know what I feel right now...Why do I always trick myself into thinking this surgery will be the one, how dumb am I ...Maybe I do that to myself so I can get through it at the time..It really will be never ending..a life long struggle I just know that now.
For now we will have a great summer and enjoy life as a family .....That is my goal!!
As far as school goes Abi's teacher called me and made me feel so much better, all she had to say was Abi will be fine in 3rd grade don't worry...I will still try to get her home teacher once a week for an hour to catch her up on math and other tough subjects.. It will work out somehow after today my priorities have shifted a little..I'll be taking a little time off to process all this and be back in touch soon..for now I really don't want to talk about it anymore..

Love ya all..Tracie
Prayers for Sophia, Anna,Mark,Madison,Braydon,The Bauers,The Olanders,Abi, All Chiari kids and Families, Mcad kids and Families,all the peanuts out there with boo boos...

Wednesday, June 7, 2006 9:46 PM CDT

Not feeling sorry for myself BUT why does it really seem that everytime I try and do something to help Abi or all of us it just becomes a struggle....Not one thing is easy, So what ends up happening is I'm angry pretty much a lot!!!!I'm not comfortable being mad but that seems to be were I am...

I just can't understand for the life of me why Abi cannot get any summer school help...everyone seems to be saying NO and the only choice that has been thrown out there is if we pay for it...Abi wasn't ready for 2nd and now she is going to be just thrown into 3rd after missing over 6 months of school again... Is it her fault she has had brain surgery after surgery?? Because she is the one thats going to pay the check for this!!

I know I should let things go but if I do will things just work out? How far does God want us to go before He takes over?Maybe I should just let everything go send it all to God without a return address..Sit and drink Ice tea and wait for the good news to roll in???? i WILL NOW BE GETTING OFF MY SOAP BOX......

Today we did try an outing to the water spout park, It was a lot of fun until Matti went to fall caught herself before she hit the pavement but then a little girl finished the job by sending her back to the floor...Matti was screaming and her knees were in bad shape, the good news was Matti fell first so when the little girl fell she landed on Matti and didn't get hurt...We told Matti she was a hero and she just looked at us with that Matti "Whatever Look".

I could tell I was stressed out about our Appt. tomorrow with Dr. Parrtington (N-Surg) because I cleaned the house mopped the floors, steam cleaned the rugs and then decided to organize and redecorate the girls bedroom....Long day..
I just can't wait to see the MRI report and films I just want to see it for myself....I usually have some idea how the appt. will go but I have no idea about this one???

There is one thing Kaydee always says and for today it just fits, "Awww Pickles".

Goodnight and may you be the winshield and not the bug ..
Ly Tracie...Prayers for peanuts

Tuesday, June 6, 2006 9:38 PM CDT

I think ever since talking with Dr. B and hearing the pre news about the MRI , and how nothings changed I have been in a slump....I'm not going to get too upset before I meet with Dr. Partington on Thursday but I really had my hopes way high this time.I just have to trust that things are how they are and thats the plan.

Trusting in the presence of God, I give thanks that all is well. (Daily word)

Well I called my case worker again to see how the ball is rolling on our EA (Emergency Assistance) the good news was she answered the phone and then continued on to say we have all your information !!! BUT then she informed me our case hasn't even been looked at yet !!!! they will call you when they get to it..Boy those were words of pure comfort..I feel better..
Okay, so when people come to them they obviously have the emergency ( Or trust me you would not put yourself through it) So that part is there ! Where the heck is the assistance part????? So can they really call it Emergency assistance????
I have a new name for it " Emergency pretend to help you but we really won't Assistance".

I spoke on the phone today to the head of the special Ed. dept with the school district, she informed me Abi just can't get help for the summer because of certain guidelines.
I explained to her how upset Abi was about being so behind last year when she started second grade and now after missing half of that she will not be prepared for third. I just can't understand why they wouldn't want her to have the extra help so she can be the best she can be? They are always telling me how smart she is, and she wants to learn so badly she loves it. As her Mom and knowing what is ahead for her in the next school year it breaks my heart because she will be so overwhelmed by it all. I must say at least she has an amazing teacher and staff that will be working with her but still , oh well ...It's another hurdle there are so many when it comes to all this I've lost count.

For now I will keep smelling the roses and trying to avoid the thorns..but life does give you a lot of thorns..but that doesn't make the roses less sweet. Have a good Wednesday....

Prayers for Sophia,Mark,Anna,Madison,Braydon,Abi,all the little peanuts, Moms club, Bauer family

Sunday, June 4, 2006 10:33 PM CDT

I must say the weekend was very busy....IFMA and friends had a painting party and the house turned out great !!! We love it !!and what hard work the people who helped put in.I kept asking them if they lost a bet and thats why they were doing this? Their reply was, No place I would rather be....Thank you so much. Paul and I can honestly say that was the hardest we have ever worked, well worth it though....Thank you Thank you.

Abi's MRI went well she started to panic a little when it first started so we had to stop but then she somehow pulled it together and was able to finish. I sat right by her the whole time and held her feet praying please God get her through, I must have repeated myself 100 times, I just wanted her to make it so we wouldn't have to re-test. I had ear plugs in and I still couldn't believe how loud it is wow..45 minutes got way long.
We had another problem come up right before the MRI , Abi went in to go potty before it and had some heavy bleeding ,of course I freaked out and ran out to get a nurse..They assumed it was just a severe bladder infection so we sent a sample and went ahead with the scan. The rest of the day held the same pattern but after talking with Dr. B he said her sample showed lots of red and white blood cells but no infection??? So I call him tomorrow and we will probably have to see a specialist because she is having pain in her lower abdomen.GREAT!!!
More good news (Not) was When Dr. B called Dr. Partington to find out about the scan, there is no improvement in Abi's spinal cord, That is so heartbreaking..ouch..But Dr. P said he was going to call us and talk probably before we see Him Thursday..I'm not going to start freaking out until I know to do so..
Once again a full plate but It will be okay, God tells me it will....I will stay hopefull and pray a lot...

I officially start back to work on Wed. I'm ready because I miss it but I'm not because I feel already overwhelmed...I have to tell you when I don't see my Sunday kids I really miss their faces ..so I can't wait to get back to that.

Well thats all I got for now.....Try not to worry about things out of your control, I know when I do that it's like keeping the blinds down and not letting the sun in !!! God wants us to see the sun....He wants Greatness , for all of us !!!!Prayers for all the peanuts and for all of you..LY Tracie

Thanks again to Chad (Your the Greatest) and all the painters , IFMA members..Thanks for making our home such a great place to be !!!

Thursday, June 1, 2006 10:02 PM CDT

I just can't tell you how much your e-mails mean to me and all of us....Thank you

Tomorrow is a day like many we have had before, a day of hope and a day when I will be praying with everything that I've got that Abi's surgery has made a differance. I have just been feeling so positive about her progress but yet there are always a few things that remind me of where we have been. I just want to hear that her spinal cord is healing itself and the swelling has decreased. God I know what will be will be but also you tell us to ask, so there it is that is what I want....The MRI is at 10:00 so if you could send a prayer around then I would really welcome that.Thanks

Well Hennepin county Emergency assistance finally called me back after I left 20 messages over a two week period..I just had some questions , And I was always told there is no such thing as a dumb one right???
Basically what came out of it was (You can probably guess) They need more information..........Now before they can help us ,we have to show that basically we will not let this happen again !!!!! Basically I had to tell them when I was going back to work . Get this, if we don't show that we can afford to live in our house with our utilities then they won't help us !!!! After giving her all the info she asked for she ended the conversation with If you get any shut off notices let me know right away... Have a nice day....Is anyone else confused by all this?????? Just a little FYI not that this can happen to anyone else...The scary part is it can and to think this is what people have to go through it's just sad......

Matti is a preschool grad. now , hard to believe she will be a kindergarden student next year, I feel like I've missed so much ..I know that and it does hurt my heart but all we have is what is ahead I can't let myself go to the place of missed memories I can just enjoy and savor the things God has in store for all of us now..I plan on keeping Kaydee home and missing preschool because I want to spend time with her I want to know her ....

Well tomorrow is the prep work for the big paint job on Sat. I was looking at the outside of our house today thinking...Good luck on that it just seems so impossible to make the outside look good, we will see ,I am super excited about it...The IFMA people are so great they are like family to us.

Well time to call it a day.Thank you again for your cards prayers love and support it really makes all of this easier...Dr. B said he would get test results as soon as they release them..I will let you know. I just have to feel that we will be opening that bottle of champagne that has been tucked away for so long....LY Tracie

Prayers for Anna,Madison,Mark,sophia,Braydon,Abi, Moms Club, all the little peanuts going through scary tests tomorrow...

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 9:41 PM CDT

Not sure what it really feels like to have all your ducks in a row...but give or take a few ducks I think we have that for now....I think I can say I feel Happy, not just happy because I'm alive and loved ..Happy with things ..Happy with the way things are going. I called my Mom tonight and told her that I feel good ..and it's usually the time of night when it's quiet and I cry over the stress of the day, she agreed that it's good to hear me say those words..Yea for our team..

I'm not saying it's perfect the ball could drop But for today I feel rescued !! I feel like I was going under and God threw me a life raft. Thanks God

Tomorrow we go for our before MRI physical and then the MRI is on Friday...I'm going to ask Dr. B to get the report ASAP so I don't have to wait until the 8th to hear the news..I just have to believe in my heart that she's better. I just need that to be the case..

Today we also found out that our angels IFMA are going to paint our house this weekend, Chad stopped by with the colors and I couldn't believe it !! WOW they are so perfect..I thought they would just paint a fresh coat of white, but of course knowing those guys they never do things half way it's all out !! Feel free to drive by and sneak a peek..honk too!! I have never met a more giving group of people in all my life..what love you've surrounded us with ..Thank you!!

Am I being too happy sorry if it's a little too much but like a good candy bar I'm going to take it all in !!! Tomorrow could be a whole new ballgame.

I do believe there will come a time when I will sign off on this..But for now if your still there I need you....Thanks be to God and all of you....Goodnight !!!

Prayers for the Moms club and Sophia,Anna,Mark,Braydon,Madison,Abi,

Monday, May 29, 2006 7:37 PM CDT

I can't tell you how GREAT this weekend was !!!!!
We stayed home pretty much the whole time and filled up the blow up pools turned the radio on and we were a FAMILY....
Abi was able to stay outside with us the entire time and swim ,play ,laugh it was wonderful. I kept thinking how could things be better than this right now.....Time spent as a family..No Doctors ,No hospitals ,No real pain to speak of just fun.

I keep trying to think that God knew how much we all needed a break ...And even if all the bad comes back it's nice to know we can have weekends like this.

Abi is still having major issues with bad thoughts but I know that is something we will just have to work on. I just pray the MRI on the 2nd shows the good things I think it will.....

All I can say is Thank you God for the healing power that only your love can bring.....Just for today we are all back together and it feels Good!!!!!LY The Christopherson Family

Prayers for peanuts

Thursday, May 25, 2006 8:17 PM CDT

Well I can say the last half of our day went better..
We ended up going to see her phycologist and in the mean time I was on the phone several times with Dr B. (Who I just can't say enough good things about) He was talking with all the other Doctors well you get the idea..Anyway I just had a hard time putting her out with drugs until I know why I'm having to do it...I think its because of all her drug commas in the past that makes me hesitate.
We will give her the celexa and then a sleep aid at night but everything else we are holding off on. Her session with Linda did help her today but we will see whats up when I talk with N-surg tomorrow. I only really question it because how does this kind of behaviors just happen ????
Anyway thanks for letting me be whatever I need to be at the time..I never promised you roses when you started reading this.....I hope all of you have a safe and happy weekend..Do I plan on a smooth one ? No but I hope for one....LY Tracie

Prayers for all the peanuts..

Thursday, May 25, 2006 8:02 AM CDT

Today is the day when I say "ENOUGH" I don't care if we have to check her into the hospital for tests or whatever but what I do know is I and we can't live like this.
I called the N-Surg on call last night because she was crying non-stop and she was dizzy and her thinking was not clear at all..The constant thoughts that I'm trying to kill her ..I really can't take it anymore to be honest..She follows me all around the house crying and she can't seem to pull herself out of it. We go to her Phycologist today but then I hope they do a cat scan later to check for anything..Dr. B said it could also be some type of infection causeing this. All I know is This has been one of the hardest things We have had to deal with yet.
Pray for answers to whats going on please!!!

LY Tracie

Tuesday, May 23, 2006 9:53 PM CDT

To be very honest..I am having a really hard time handling this current problem , it really is getting to me. Abi constantly talking about death and how we are all trying to hurt her she also said she thinks I made the Doctors do the surgeries to make her be in pain. We met with the Psychiatrist at Childrens today basically he just put her on 4 differant medications ..We will see him every month for a while.. He also wants her to have testing again and wants her to see a therapist and her phycologist on a regular basis, plus He suggested we have family counseling ....So that was the fun there...
Then it was off to Abi"s school to try and get her approved for special ed service during the summer not just next year.
She really could use the extra jump because she is so behind already and the summer would be a great time to catch up a little. But It looks like we will probably not qualify..But she will do her best and try to get it approved....
Does it seem to you guys that we never qualify !!!! All I am doing is trying to help my daughter why is it so hard..

Abi cried herself to sleep again tonight, I had to leave the room a couple times because I just couldn't hear it anymore..The sad thing is the girls are used to it and fall asleep...

All for now...LY Tracie

Monday, May 22, 2006 10:33 PM CDT

I can't tell you how many times I've been writing in this journal thinking at the same time..Crap..How the heck did this become our life !!!Things just always keep happening .
Its like I said before ,with Abi we have dug such a deep hole we can't stop and fill it and say forget it, we have to keep digging deeper and deeper. No turning back..It's to late for that...then you think are we helping her or throwing more problems into the mix...I don't know anymore really. Because with every step forward we get a couple back.
I have no idea what is going on with her ..panic attacks and crying all the time thoughts of bombs and her being killed stuff pouring out of the shower that will burn her..It is just awful...Tonight she cried from 5:30 until bedtime I ended up giving her valium to try and calm her down. The only reason this is somehow okay without rushing her back to the hospital is I know we go see the child psychiatrist tomorrow, Just when I thought we had seen every Doc out there..He is suppose to be great and they did rush to get us in Thank God for that !!!

Could you please pray for some peace for her she is so troubled right now, I don't know how or what this new Dr. can do to help her but I hope he can...It is getting to the point she doesn't want to drink a glass of milk I poured because she thinks there is something bad in it...I know it's just scary. I would almost take the pain back to get rid of this because I know how to handle that.

Tomorrow I also go to school for a meeting to see if Abi can qualify for some help this summer through special Ed. I really pray she can I think she could really benefit from that...

Well sorry to say once again the glass in half EMPTY..But I know God is there because I wouldn't make it through this if He wasn't....I can honestly say when you hear about those 90 year old people who are at peace with death..and aren't afraid it's because they are Tired...Playing this game is tough ..It would be nice once in a while to be able to blow the whistle for an extended time-out....LY all Tracie

Prayers for all the peanuts and all of you who are playing the game....

Monday, May 22, 2006 7:46 AM CDT

Good morning......
Well the weekend wasn't too bad I must say , are we getting better??
Don't get me wrong we had issues but nothing too bad. I would say her anxiety was a major player this weekend she keeps having thoughts about not so nice things. Last night before bed she was convinced she was going to die. Tomorrow we go to the new child psychiatry doctor to get some of this stuff figured out. This is a new area for us one I must say I don't like very well.
Last night she didn't have her medicine (Because we finished the wean Sun.) I must say it was rough ...She was up crying most the night..But I'm going to let it play out and not blow the whistle yet. Because if we are going to start a new med. tomorrow I would like her off this one.

Have a good day, Maybe God made this one just for you !!!

Prayers for Mark,Sophia,Braydon,Anna,Abi,Moms club,chiari kids,MCAD kids,Madison...

Thursday, May 18, 2006 10:24 PM CDT

Have a Good weekend...Thank you for going through the week with us......See you Monday...LY Tracie

Wednesday, May 17, 2006 10:20 PM CDT

Well the morning started out with a gas leak..Paul and I have noticed an odd smell downstairs and we couldn't decide what it was?? So today I called NSP to come out and check to see if in fact it was a gas leak...The lady on the phone told me to not use the phone don't have any electric appliances going until the guy could get there...As I waited I made waffles used the phone and made a fire in the fireplace (just kidding) anyway come to find out there was a leak in Pauls work room downstairs , He fixed it and that was that. I asked him if it was enough to cause Headaches the answer was no , He said before it got to that point the house would of probably had blown..Oh Nice !!!

Well as far as my book writing about "How to have a sick child and Not lose the Farm". Don't think I'm a pro on that yet..
After going downtown today with every bit of information I could bring..Of course they needed 50 more documents of information that I didn't bring. I ended up waiting 3 hours and then finding out that they have a lot of people to help..Ya think?? Was I wearing my shirt that said "First time out of the house, I'm an idiot". I also found out we aren't poor, we meet poverty standards but we are too rich??I will let you figure that one out..Then I was told we will get back to you around the middle of June if you send us the zillion sheets of info we are requesting..
Believe me if you are thinking of being poor don't do it....

Abi had a good day, had to lay down a couple of times and had some dizziness but overall it was okay..Tomorrow we drop her medicine to only one pill a day , so I think we will see what the game will be starting tomorrow and Fri.Wish us luck....I do feel back in the swing of it all, I try to not stay down too long..I guess I don't want to break another chair to wake up and know God will take care of things..TRUST

Went to WW tonight gosh I've missed going..Lost 3.8pounds I was pretty happy about that my total so far is 22.6...I've enjoyed taking care of myself It feels good...Thanks to my WW pal too !!!

Have a great Thursday ..Don't let anything rain on your parade!!!!!Keep your hands open God might just put some blessings in them.....LY Tracie

Prayers for my WW Pals, Sophia,Mark,Anna,Madison,Braydon,Abi
And all the families who are trying to hold things together..

Happy Birthday Terri...we love ya!!!!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006 9:30 PM CDT

God gives us another day !! I love that even though we are unable to maybe appreciate the day before us He gives us another anyway.

I feel pretty good about things at the moment, I spoke with Dr. B and He reassured me that plans were in place for pain and for everything else. He wants us to go see Abi's Phycologist and A phyciatrist at Childrens, He has been talking with Dr. Wical and feels it is very important to do both, They both feel that way. So we will....

Tomorrow I go to Hennepin county to plea my case and see if we can get some help in a lot of differant areas. I'm not embarresed to share this because I think all families who go through situations like ours need and constantly search out help...Where do you go ? Thats the tricky part, its like figuring out a difficult puzzle but once I master it I will write a book , so other families with sick children don't have to spend hours and hours of needless worry. Don't get me wrong we have been blessed beyond our dreams and it is so appreciated , but life continues and so does everything it involves. I do believe God gives us what we need and more but I also believe we have to do the footwork....

Thanks to all of you who read this even if its not rainbows and gumdrops. It is life and I'm just keeping it real.
Love ya Tracie

Prayers to Moms club and Braydon,Mark,Anna,Abi,Madison,Sophia and all the little peanuts and their families who don't always see life through colored glasses....

Monday, May 15, 2006 10:22 PM CDT

Okay get ready because this is one of those nights when I try to find some positive...
After a rough start to the day I decided to cave and call Dr. Wical, with tears in my eyes I talked to her nurse and explained how I really and truely felt like something is not right with Abi and Paul and I were worried. She is crying constantly and walks around moaning because she doesn't feel good. After I hung up Dr. Wical must of called right back (How blessed we are to have her on our team) she said she wanted to see Abi right away and I was so relieved ,so off we went.

Dr. Wical asked me if I had seen the operative report and I said I wanted to ..so they gave me a copy...She went on to say how you cannot believe all that was done to this little girl and after reading It I understand what she meant.
We are getting her off the pain med. Lyrica because it can be making her so anxious and depressed, the problem there is we have not had her off pain meds so there is a good chance that the bad pain will return by Wed. or soon after. This may sound like I'm being negative but I'm expecting it to return I do not feel at this point I will catch a break I just don't.
I will not put myself through the pain of what having false hope delivers.....I will stand at home plate and and wait for the perfect pitch but I really don't expect it to come....

Abi didn't have a bad rest of the day but ended up crying for several hours tonight and I couldn't get her to stop until finally she fell asleep from being plain worn out.Then in the middle of all that Matti felt sick and Lola had to go out so I caught myself laughing from it all..even though it was so not funny.
Dr. Wical is going to talk with a child phyciatrist and get back to me about an appt. for Abi , all I could think about was GREAT !! another Doctor to go to...Hopefully once we are clear of this medication she will be Abi again.

At this point I catch myself wishing for things to be differant I almost accept the fact that they never will....
God give us strength to move forward because it seems we have dug such a deep hole we can't get out all we can do is keep digging deeper...all there is to do is go forward , we can't go back. I almost don't even remember where we started......I just feel like my heart is broken and just for today my spirit is too....

Thanks for listening .....It helps so much to vent.....LY Tracie

Prayers for Sophia, Mark, Abi, Madison, Anna and Mom Cheryl,Braydon, and all of you facing difficult life stuff.

Happy Birthday Nick K. and Jackson S. Love ya

Monday, May 15, 2006 7:40 AM CDT

It's funny how God works in our lives...Last night about 10:00 after a day of no sleep the night before, I swore I could not make it through another day of the crying and bumping into things the constant whinning because she doesn't feel good..I had Enough!!!But the Great thing about God is He makes me think that today I Can.....I can do it all again, with His help of course.

Friday Dr. Wical said we should start getting her off her pain med that she has been on for a while now because she is starting to see things like people killing people etc..I know not your usual things kids her age think about. So we started the wean on Fri. and things have gone pretty bad, rough weekend. Like I've been saying something doesn't seem right with her and the bad news is It's getting worse. I was all set to call and yell today but now that mornings here I feel like I should let the day play out to see whats in store. I guess I think sometimes that maybe the bad stuff is my imagination playing tricks on me. I wish....Paul and I were saying she is just so off she's scaring us.

Matti is super excited for school today because she gets to go to the fire station, she is even wearing Her uncle Todds' fire shirt he sent her (My Brother is a fire fighter in FL)
So hopefully the rain will hold off so they can go.

My back has been out so I haven't been able to really control Kaydee too much she can be so wild and it doesn't help that she is so strong....

My Mothers day was a nice one considering the things out of our control...It made me feel appreciatted and as you know Moms love that!!!

Have a good day everyone and know that God gives us what we need to get through the piles that life throws our way....Keep your e-mails coming I could use your encouragement today.....Love ya Tracie

Prayers for Moms club,Anna,Madison,Braydon,Sophia,Abi,Mark...

Sunday, May 14, 2006 7:52 AM CDT

Hi everyone it's Paul. I am giving Tracie the day off.
Last night was a rough one. Abi wanted to sleep in our bed last night so we said OK. Anyway, she was up all night crying and whimpering. It could have been the fact her medication has changed. Hopefully tonightwill be better.

Now to the good stuff. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!. Today we celebrate mothers everywhere. To me though, there are 3 that I am extremely greatful for. My mom: Not only did you bring me in to this world, you also put up with me for all these years and still love me the same. Thank you for always being there and for instilling me the faith and love that has kept me going all this time.
Tracie's mom: Gail, Moo Moo, my second wife(inside joke) Whatever you call her, she is a great Mom. Just look at the kids you have Gail, and you should be proud. You are the reason they turned out so well. Thank you for alway helping us when we need you. And thank you for Tracie.
Tracie: As most of you know, she is an amazing woman. Not only does she keep our house going, she is what I consider a super hero. "Able to clean a house in in a flash(and stay beatiful while doing so), able to leap tall piles of medical bills in a single bound and have a faith stronger than a mountain, it's Super Mommy". But seriously, I remember when Tracie and I were dating and we were talking about our future. She said the only thing she ever Really wanted to be was a Mom. Well she has done that and has done it in spectaular fashion. I love you Beb. OK, enough rambling on. God, Thank you for Tracie and for mothers everywhere.
Gotta go now,
Paul

Thursday, May 11, 2006 10:09 PM CDT

Well the Dr. Appt. went okay. I went with my list of stuff all printed out because I've learned when you get in there you kind of get distracted. I felt they listened to what my complaints were and Dr. P even came in which I thought was great because we were only suppose to see Terry his Nurse.

Basically what I got from it all was , He feels glad that we haven't had any serious complications so far, He knows she is not where we want her to be, He feels the dizziness is from the extensive work that was done at the back of the brain area. She might be suffering from low pressure because her shunt is turned off and that can really cause some problems..He said He does not want to do anything until the MRI is taken and he has a chance to see where things stand..Then and If her spinal cord is healing we will be able to move forward with Physical Therapy and possibly some new medications , she still has no range of motion with her neck.

If things have gotten worse with her spinal cord I hate to think of what then?? I think He does too...So we will go with the thought that God is healing her spinal cord as we speak.....Happy Healing thoughts.
I think her MRI will be on the 2nd.

I have to put a call into Dr. Wical tomorrow Abi has changed her happy go lucky attitude for a scared worry all the time one...She thinks and cries constantly about Drugs and Crime and people hurting people you name it she gets very upset about it...I think once again we are having medication issues because unless she is sneaking and watching the news and CSI I have no idea where she is getting all this stuff..It is concerning to me ...

Well for now we will keep moving forward and praying for her body to heal itself, I just don't see how she could take anymore surgeries , any of us for that matter..I do believe in the saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" Because we are handling it !! We don't feel like it sometimes but at the end of the day we did...LY TRacie

Thursday, May 11, 2006 7:10 AM CDT

Today I get to go and voice my concerns about what has been going on . We have our appt. with N-surg at 2:00, wish me luck.
I know I have to be patient but I just think being dizzy like she gets is a little much and the drooling , just not sure thats where we should be.
I will once again take God with me and let it play the way it is suppose to.
There are just so many things on our plate right now that I just have to give to God and say..Take'em , the good news is He will and He does take care of them..He only wants greatness for our family and I do believe that.

Have a great day and let the cool wind blow you in some blessings ..enjoy !!

Happy Birthday Karmon (Pauls Dad) and Tom (Pauls Uncle) We love you....

Prayers of continued healing ...Madison,Anna,Abi,Sophia,Mark,Braydon...Moms club Hang in there !!!LY all Tracie

Tuesday, May 9, 2006 6:46 PM CDT

Not sure why but tonight I find myself angry at the world..and it was even a pretty day. Sick of the ups and downs I guess.
Today Abi did pretty well which really means nothing in the big picture because tomorrow can be awful again as we know. I know I should take the good when it's here the only problem (as Nichole and I say) you are always waiting for the shoe to drop..and it usually does.

Today I had an energy audit of our home poor folk get all kinds of perks....He said we wash clothes a lot!!Really ?? Yep probably 84 loads a month best he can tell...He gave me some light bulbs and a thing to clean out the vents on the fridge( I really need a swat team to go under there). And then he was on his way...I feel more conservative already.

Don't worry I will go to sleep wake up and "Bing" I'll be my little June Cleaver self once again....wearing pearls and a full skirted dress and of course a smile with fresh baked cookies in my hand. Night-night

Happy Birthday Elaine-we love you!!!

Prayers for Mark,Madison,Sophia,Abi,Braydon,Anna..and all the little peanuts out there

Monday, May 8, 2006 10:06 PM CDT

Really nothing to new to report, Abi is still having issues she just doesn't look right to me almost like she is struggling. When Paul or I ask her she just yells I don't know whats wrong she just doesn't feel good.
I tried to explain to her that if we know whats going on maybe we can help her..why should she believe that? I once again called N-surg because the new symtom we have is she is dizzy a lot...They said we will see her on Thursday. I just kind of feel like a "Freak Mom" I should be used to all this by now but for some reason I look at her face and feel like something is not right and I should be doing something..Maybe I'm just looking for trouble or just used to it..I don't know I will pray about it and wait.....Thursday !!

And for those of you who may be worried about me I must tell you I'm fine !! I have my strong faith my family and my friends..When I wake up each morning I don't skip and sing I do have a full plate to face but not for one minute do I not cherish the day God has given me. I'm tired ,scared and stressed but I know God holds greatness for my life and He gives me glimpses of that each and every day....The more I talk to other Moms in the same situations We are tired and stressed trying like heck to help our children and top that with financial strain and trying to hold the family together It's a full day. Those same women are doing it though each and everyday by the Grace of God.You go Girls!!!

Thank you for looking in on us....May you get up and be thankful no matter what is thrown on your plate....LY Tracie

Prayers for Anna, Braydon ,Mark, Sophia, Madison,Abi,Moms club

Friday, May 5, 2006 7:31 AM CDT

Yesterday was probably one of the toughest so far since being home..Abi just doesn't feel well and she can't explain it enough for me to help her she just cries and moans a lot.
I did talk with N-surg again and she said it would be okay to give her a strong pain med at night..I had some already at home so I was all set. Last night did go better it took her a while to fall asleep but she was more comfortable.
I guess for me I'm not sure we are going in the direction that we are suppose to be? Time will tell.

I still feel a little foggy I'm trying to get out of it but can't seem to shake it my mood feels about like the way it looks outside. This too shall pass.

I do have a great support system and I thank all of you for that,I can feel your prayers and I appreciate so much your e-mails. Sometimes when the day gets long I run down and check the page and it is a great pick me up to read a message.Thanks!!!

Take Care Love ya Lots...Tracie

Prayers for Braydon,Abi,Madison,Anna,Sophia,Mark,Abi

Thursday, May 4, 2006 7:55 AM CDT

oKAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH i MUST GET SOMETHING TO HELP HER SLEEP !!
Things are about the same days seem to be okay,nights not so good...I'm keeping the faith. LY Tracie

Prayers for peanuts....

Wednesday, May 3, 2006 7:29 AM CDT

Abi is not sleeping still !! she is waking up with pain through the night. We are sure seeing a lot more of our old friend Mr. Headpain too.
Talked with N-surg yesterday and the advice was to start weaning off the valium if I can ..so of course being the rule follower that I tend to be I gave her some last night....Oh well It didn't work anyway......I think I will be on the phone again today because are we getting better or worse???

I Just have to remember That these days are long but at the end of the day God is there to help us pick up the pieces.....

LY Tracie

Prayers for Sophia,Mark,Abi,Madison,Braydon,Anna...MY MOM

Monday, May 1, 2006 10:12 PM CDT

It has been a day where you throw up your hands and yell "Take me Jesus".. I can honestly say I was a freak all day long !!
I kept telling myself find the peace find the peace..No can do..I don't think there was any to find.
But the good news is tomorrow is a new day and the bad news is tomorrow is a new day....I will get up, pull up my big girl panties drink a slug of coffee and face the crap with a smile !!!!!
Abi had an okay day, good news is she finally pooped bad news is we needed a plumber afterwards(True story)...
Why does it seem with good there's bad is anyone elses life like that or just the Christophersons????
I spoke with N-surg about Abi and her breathing issues, all they said was keep an eye on it...Well sure glad you told me that because I haven't been watching her at all!! Told ya I'm a little sassy. Anyway I also told her how she is crying all the time and there was no real comment about that. I'll let you know if blood srays out her eyeballs thanks for the call back...Boy I'm grouchy..does it show??

This kind of surgery is odd it's not like having a kidney stone removed where you heal and are back to your old self in a couple months..the fun with this is we don't know what we will end up with. It's like those dollar grab bags Ya never know what you bought, till you open the bag.

Abi asked me tonight during her nighttime cry time, "Why does God do bad stuff to us"? I explained to her how God doesn't,he holds us and helps us through the bad stuff. Then she went on to say who would do this to me on purpose...I really didn't have an answer....

Tonight was Philly cheesesteak sandwhiches tomorrow Ravioli with a cream sauce..I really would like my own cook having prepared meals is like Heaven ..Thanks again..we all appreciate it especially me since I can't even remember to get my ham from the deli....standing in line to pay for groceries a guy in line behind me says "Hey, you forgot your Ham", I said what? He repeats "you walked off and didn't take your HAM"!!! I felt like saying My daughter had brain sugery and all she does is cry and I'm stressed and ...Nope I just smiled said Thanks and went to get my HAM...So from now on that will be my slogan ....YOU FORGOT YOUR HAM!!!!

Okay I'm done, tomorrow the sun will be shinning, the toilet will flush,The birds will sing, I will fit into my pants, Abi won't cry,Matti will be nice,Kaydee won't scream,A check will be in the mail,there will be a diet coke fountain in the backyard next to a money tree..okay whatever have a Blessings day tomorrow even if its all in your head....LY Tracie

Prayers for My Mom (HUrt her back) Anna,Braydon,Mark,Madison,Abi,Sophia,All the little peanuts out there with BooBoos......

Sunday, April 30, 2006 10:03 PM CDT

I wish I could say home sweet home..But instead it's more like home crazy home....
Unless you know first hand, it is so hard to jump back in to family life after you go through a trauma, Yes trauma thats what I call it. It's like jumping in on a game of bridge when you have no idea how the game is played , but your almost expected to know what your doing.
Abi was scared to leave the hospital and she has cried everynight for at least an hour thats just before bed then its on and off all day..I understand she just doesn't feel good I try to keep the medicine on a schedule sometimes it works but at night it doesn't seem to, everytime she moves she wakes up crying. Tonight she told me she is having a little trouble breathing and of course that concerned me right away because of the blood clots that she had from one of her other surgeries, I called Dr. B and he said to watch her and call if needed. I think I will call N-surg tomorrow anyway.I just still feel so sad and in a funk I know most of it is because I'm not sleeping that great , it will pass but for now I cry when I need to and laugh when I can and pray to hold it all together...
I must say though Abi is doing pretty well considering all that was done. I know some of you have asked if the surgery was a success, well we don't know we will know that in a month when she has an MRI..Paul said he will get the champagne ready because he is expecting great news...

Matti and Kaydee are making us pay hard for the attention we gave Abi. I just have to try not to yell and just tell them constantly how much they are loved..Not always easy when they are constantly pushing your buttons. This too shall pass.......

God do you think I could have a little sunshine I really could use a little pick me up...Well think about it and let me know.
I must say I have been eating pretty good the meals people brought over very tasty I must say ..and cookies, brownies WW can wait a week for this week I'm eating!!The whole time I was in the Big house I ate veggie wraps I'm sick of veggies I want Lasagne, philly cheesesteak, and Chicken Parm., Yum Yum.....

I do have a thought to share, The time spent in Gillette I noticed an amazing thing it seemed children in terrible circumstances some with wheelchairs, one child had a hallow on and screws in his head , Some who couldn't talk ,you get the idea..They were some of the happiest children I have ever seen !! Big smiles and giggles it was almost like they know something that we don't..What a tool these children could be to teach us all how to live...

Thanks for everything you all are blessings...I Thank God for you....LY Tracie

Prayers for Braydon,Sophia,Mark,Madison,Anna,Abi,Chiari kids,MCAD Kids...MOMs club

Friday, April 28, 2006 6:29 PM CDT

Hi, well Dr.P. said we are staying at the BIG House another night..Thats okay as long as the end is in sight..(tomorrow) then we come back in two weeks and then in four weeks for an MRI...I have to say this was one of the scariest times in my life I was really pretty taken back by it all. I'm sure I will go through my at home crying for three weeks or so I just cut loose the minute I step in the door...
I have to say we have some wonderful positive people in our life, and We really couldn't of done this without your constant support and love. Thanks I mean that more than I could ever spell out. God has blessed us beyond anything we could of asked for.....LY Tracie

This will be my last (hopefully) entry from the Big House wish me luck at the Christopherson Hospital.....

Hi To all little peanuts and Moms group.....LOve Tracie

Friday, April 28, 2006 7:59 AM CDT

Well yesterday we were told there was a 50/50 chance we would get to leave before the weekend....If we did certain things....Last night was another terrible night, she cried for 3 hours because she couldn't get comfortable and because the thought of going home really scares her. I think because she is still hurting ,her left arm is really painful and her neck.
She kept waking up on and off crying and moaning because she was so uncomfortable, I just kept calling the nurse for meds.
Abi doesn't want to go but I do I feel I can handle it,I know she will be in pain but given the right meds I think I can actually help her more than they are here.
We did have a lot of company yesterday (Thanks) and with the marshmellow art thrown in it was a busy day...Can I just tell you M. art is so fun I haven't laughed that hard in weeks..Thanks Amy...
Well we will see what the day holds...I know I'm ready to load up the car and head for the MPLS border....But on the other hand I want to do whats best for Abi , nothing worse then having to come back..Thanks to all the meal helpers they are so appreciated!!!!LY Tracie

Prayers for Anna,Madison,Abi,Sophia,Braydon,Mark.....

Wednesday, April 26, 2006 9:11 PM CDT

As I have learned you take things a minute at a time in the BIG House...They took a while but got Abi on the right meds (Valium,codine,Tortal,Lyrica) and it seems to be really working!!! Paul came up and I left for a while to go home and when I was home Dr. P stopped by and told Abi she had to start walking..So she did and Paul and her went to the door and back a couple times she is like a new girl since I left and came back.....
While at home of course everything is super clean and organized (Thanks Mom) but Matti would really have little to do with me almost to say "You leave me come back and visit don't expect a lot from me".But Kaydee wouldn't let go ..
People have dropped off meals and that has helped a lot..Thanks so much....
But really things are going well TODAY!!We won't jump ahead ..Terry at Pauls work gave Abi a sign it reads" Leave Me Alone, P.S. I love you". That is so her right now Crabby when the meds are wearing down and a little crab when they are on board....Thanks for checking Love ya..Tracie
Prayers for Braydon,Mark,Sophia,Madison,Abi,Anna

Update...Rough night but she's okay this morning

Wednesday, April 26, 2006 8:57 AM CDT

We are finally in a room where we will stay...Room 437 bed 2..
Last night went prety good, Abi woke up several times and was hurting so she needed some valium (Don't we all) but seemed to at least be able to sleep.
Last night Dr. B and I had a good visit and then Dr. Partington stopped by to see how things were..you can tell it was a pretty major surgery because I see the N-surg team a lot during the day.
Today they are going to try and take her off the strong med in her pca pump, she will still have the option to use the button but it won't run continuosly. I can already tell because she is very mad and hurting and If I even look at her she growls at me and cries..I plan today will be a long one, they are giving her four oral pain meds in place but we will see if that will be enough.
The head hat comes off today too so they can start watching for fluid collection and leaking, lets pray we see none of that. My goal is a nice 7 day stay no complications and then home for healing...lets just go with that,we will see how close I am...
Take care and thanks for all the notes on the C.Page it is nice to read them while your up here..Abi needs me bye for now.....

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 9:28 AM CDT

Goodmorning or is it night, not sure......
After a long day yesterday and because Abi was finally sleeping around nine, I made the decision to go home for some sleep. Told the nurses to call with concerns...Sure enough calls came at 11:30,12:00,1:45 and then I came back at 3:00am...Not a lot of sleep today,Abi hasn't slept at all and that is playing a big part in her constant crying and not so nice disposition...I hope we get out of ICU today so we can get a little less noise (bells and whistles)......

Still have her hooked up to the PCA pump which is feeding her full of Diladed and that seems to keep her a little comfortable and when she needs more I push the button for her...Thats all for now I must go hunt down a Diet coke..LY Tracie

Prayers for all the peanuts and for Abi to heal....

UPDATE: We were moved to a room and out of ICU ..YEA..I love the extra space to just move around. She finally fell asleep after a dose of an anti-anxiety med. so now she is pretty snowed..But not crying in pain so it is great to have the break.Dr. B called and will be dropping by tonight , Well thats all for now...LY

Monday, April 24, 2006 8:01 PM CDT

The surgery is over and now we are left with the after effects.
The surgery was long, over four hours. Dr. P did remove the mesh netting and good thing he did because it was causing a lot of damage. We got a call torwards the end of the operation and at that point he was basically trying to figure out what to do because of all the scar tissue it was a very hard surgery for him and Abi.
We have been in ICU for several hours and they have Abi on the strongest pain medication possible, but she still can't get comfortable and keeps sleeping for 2 minutes and then crying,I hate to see her like this it breaks my heart more than I could explain.I hope with each day she becomes a little more comfortable, Dr. P says it will be a wait and see kind of thing to know if this worked, I hope it did because not sure I could go through this again...any of us for that matter.
Thank you for checking in ..Keep praying...Love ya Tracie

Sunday, April 23, 2006 6:57 PM CDT

What a celebration...Thanks to all of you for your generous gifts your time and lots of love...We so appreciate it all!!
It really was nice to be able to see all of you and get lots of hugs before tomorrow.
Abi had the time of her life..WoW she had so much fun opening up gifts when we got home..I didn't think they would end.Thanks........

Abi will be going in to surgery at 9:00 tomorrow morning and it should take 3-4 hours, pray for Dr. Partington and for Abi's Body to be strong. We need her so much. Once again we will do what has to be done to make her life better.
Thanks again...Love all of you...I will be journaling from Gillette hospital, St. Paul as soon as I can.Tracie

Thanks again for coming to the celebration !!!!!

Prayers for Sophia,Mark,Madison,Anna,Braydon,Abi and all the children having upcoming surgeries.....

Saturday, April 22, 2006 6:45 PM CDT

So here we are Saturday night before the big party and Tracie and I are stressed out beyond belief. (I even cleaned the house today). Hi everyone, it's Paul. Although tommorrow will bring an indescribable amount of joy to our little angel, It is the next day we are thinking of. Sleep is hard to come by, patience in running thin and the all of a sudden something happens to break the ice. Tonight, Matti lost her first tooth!

She is so exited and so cute!! God timed this event perfectly. Matti was kind of down because of all the attention that Abi was getting. She was also scared for her sister. Now somethng happens that has something to do with just her. The joy in her eyes is wonderful. It brought a sense of comfort to Tracie and myself. We needed that.

I also wanted to mention that 35W south will be closed between 280 and University tommorrow. I am not sure where everyone is coming from, so you might want to find an alternate route.

Prayers to everyone that needs them and Thank you for all of yours.
Later,
Paul

Thursday, April 20, 2006 9:59 PM CDT

It was one of those days that if you showed even a small clip of it to High school kids it would drop the rate of teenage pregnancy almost completely..
Wow what a day, We had a couple stops to make before I took Abi to finish up her Special Ed testing and Matti still in the "I'm going to make you pay for leaving me and taking Abi to the hospital",Mode was in rare form today. Kaydee was dancing around like she was performing the Sugarplum fairy dance and Abi all she did was cry about everything I had to say....It was a pretty emotional day for her,I think she is starting to get pretty scared. We all are... The good news is we made it through and We said our prayers and thanked God for the day Even though it wasn't the best...
I can tell I'm a little worried because I was moping the floors and cleaning cabinets at eight 0'clock tonight..Crazy..
I then for relaxation decided to read all of Abi's operative reports from all her surgeries, It really shocked me all we have been through..Nice nightcap,That was probably as relaxing as drinking a case of Mountain Dew.

Well tomorrow is the start of the weekend and though I don't want time to move too fast I'm really going to try to focus on the day in play and not look ahead..basically squeeze everything i can out of it...I hope you can do the same.
Thanks for being here and keep those prayers coming I will take them all....Prayers for Sophia who's back at the hospital,Madison,Braydon,Anna,Abi,Matti and Kaydee,Mark,LY Tracie
Party Directions........
CORRECTION: PARK AND ENTER ON SIDE LOT OFF OF 34TH ST.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006 10:00 PM CDT

I watched Boston Legal last night and I heard something I really liked. " In this crazy world of uncertainy The only thing I really have control over is what I will have for lunch". Not sure why that really made me stop and think but it did...I don't have contol over this so I can be sad and upset but I have to let God take it over and that is where the trust flows in.

Today we had Abi's pre-op with Dr. B, it went fine she checked out good and he has taken extra steps to make sure they know about all her past surgery problems. I'm just sad He won't be there , but He is a phone call away.
Abi has such a strong faith that everything is going to be fine, she has said she's scared but just wants to get it done. I just can't believe she is the one who is comforting me and making me okay about this...She has Hope and her eye is on the prize, and to her that is worth the pain she has to go through to get it. Her Childhood !!
So for now I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row and trying to prepare for the turbulence that will be upon us soon enough.
Matti has been acting out a lot and I know it's because she's scared and afraid about Abi leaving it seems to bother her the most. I'm trying to let her know that she will be able to see her as soon as she is out of the special Doctor area (ICU) that seems to help her a little.

Thank you so much for your e-mails and your prayers..we will get through this and it will be because of God and all of you...Keep the prayers coming...Hope to see you Sunday !!!
LY Tracie

Prayers for Abi,Sophia,Mark,Braydon,Madison,Anna,Chiari kids and Moms,MCAD kids,Prayers for the Mom's club(Strongest woman I know)....

What should I have for lunch??????

Wednesday, April 19, 2006 6:55 AM CDT

I've been praying so hard to be okay with all of this and with each day I am. I feel a calmness and a renewed sense of strength..I can move forward...
Yesterday between talking to the nurse and getting all the information down and having her ask me what type of blood Abi has because Dr. P has ordered a bag of it for surgery, I almost lost it a couple of times..Even reading his surgery report and how the dangers of going in the same area 3 times can cause risks like ,infection ,Nuerological damage,and there were more...Of course I'm scared but I do think God has given me what I asked for. Peace....
I just feel like everything will be okay, That sounds so simple but it is not an easy place to get to.

I'm very excited about Abi's Bday party what a fun thing to have to celebrate Life...Abi is so excited about it too !! Hope all of you will be there.

Well it's off to Dr. B today for a Pre-op and a Hemogram test. I talked with him yesterday and He said he can't be the Dr. there because he is not on staff But He will visit and keep in touch with everyone...

Thanks for checking in ..Don't forget to look around you and notice all the wonderful things God has made for us to show us He Loves Us...Pray for what you need, God is there!

LY Tracie.......Prayers for Anna,Sophia,Mark,Madison,Braydon,Chiari kids,MCAD Kids..and people who struggle for peace...

Monday, April 17, 2006 10:18 PM CDT

Well the day went well,we had a little family get together to celebrate Abi's Big day. Paul was feeling better by the evening so He was able to participate too. Abi got her first stereo !!! from Grandma and Papa and was very excited about that....And some other nice gifts too...

I have to apologize ahead of time because I may in the next several days not seem to perky or cheerful..I'm pretty worried and scared, I can feel the tension around our household too ,it always feels like a snow globe that someone is shaking..It has been a pattern for us that once we start to settle and heal Life picks up the snow globe again and shakes it pretty hard. It does get harder and harder to run around putting band-aids on everyone everytime we all go through this. But with Gods help we will once again get to a point when we can Heal.
I keep trying to make a plan , like will I stay at the hospital what should I bring etc...I think that first day I will stay in a chair in ICU just making sure she's okay..Paul is only able to take one day (The Surgery Day) so I will be solo after that. I decided to take off the Month of May from work, Lets hope I don't need more then that.

Wed. Abi has her Pre-op Appt. with Dr. B It will be good to see him before the surgery because I don't think he will be able to care for her while we are at Gillette, Not sure of the rules there..But I do know if I need Him I can call and He would help Abi in a heartbeat...
Abi has to have a Hemogram test done whatever that is ,I would think its to test her blood so she doesn't bleed out.
Abi did have a time today when she grabbed the back of her head and came in crying in pain and had to lay down and take extra Medicine, I thought to myself wow we haven't seen this in a little while..You don't realize your getting a break from it until it happens again.

I layed in bed last night with tears dripping down my face and I just kept asking God if He could make me Okay with all this..I must have repeated those same words 50 times.....Then I said Thanks and went to sleep...I will ask again tonight.
I had an E-mail from a Mom whos daughter has a Chiari like Abi, she wrote"This Life is really hard". All I could write back was ,I know it is....I wish I could of given her something back but what could I say ,It is hard and We can't fix it all we just have to show up in uniform and play the game...God takes care of the rest.

Thanks for your prayers and thanks for listening......LY Tracie

Prayers for Mark,Anna,Braydon,Madison,Abi,Sophia,Chiari kids,MCAD Kids...And All the Families who need band-aids..

Sunday, April 16, 2006 10:13 PM CDT

Monday is Abi's actual Birthday , she went to bed so excited tonight only wishing the birthday fairy would come..What is that you ask? Well I started a tradition years ago whenever one of the girls have a birthday the fairy comes in the middle of the night and decorates their room with streamers. They wake up and know its a special day!!!!
I keep thinking about the day Abi came into the world ,I was so scared and so in love all at the same time. It's funny I still feel that way.
I'm struggling so hard to be happy about Easter and Abi's Birthday but I just feel so numb... and sad, I can't shake it.
I guess I don't have to. I know in a week I will be sitting here waiting to take Abi to her 7th surgery , how can that be?
It breaks me knowing that she has had such a struggle I would of never imagined the path that we have ended up on.

Easter didn't really go as I had planned , I had this picture in my mind ...I guess I forgot to add Paul throwing up, Abi and Matti fighting , Kaydee screaming all morning long about hair ties, Ya know just everyday Christopherson stuff !!!I ended up taking the girls and going to Pauls' parents without him..We had a nice time , as for Paul he is still very under the weather..I told the kids DO NOT Go AROUND YOUR FATHER..That would be the last scoop of icecream
that my cone could handle if they all got sick....

Anyway on a positive note ...Monday is a day of celebration because the world became a better place , My life became better, I never would of imagined in a million years that one little person could teach me so much ....Thank you Abi, I hope someday when you are older and you read through this you know that everything I ever did it was for you and to make your life better..I want the best for you! I want you to know the joy of a first kiss, I want to see your eyes sparkle on your wedding day, I want the whole package for you ...I love you snail ......Happy Birthday...

Goodnight blessings to all ..Prayers for Sophia,Anna,Braydon,Mark,Madison,Chiari kids,MCAD Kids..
LOVE YA ..Tracie

Saturday, April 15, 2006 10:53 PM CDT

I'm trying to enjoy this Easter weekend so much I think I'm trying too hard...Tonight we went to church and sat there as a family "WoW" that felt funny, I really would like to do that more often.
The problem was I tried to keep myself busy with Kaydee so I wouldn't start crying (easy to do these days)..I did make it through because Kaydee kept humming outloud and trying to play with the guys shirt in front of us.
We got home and had a cook-out and decided to put the card table on the porch and have a Easter Pic-nic, then we fired up the fire pit and roasted marshmellows..I guess anything goes this weekend.
The bad part was Paul didn't feel too great and since then has been pretty sick..The throw-up kind..Now that wasn't in the plan???
I am excited for the Easter Bunny to come because I love to see the girls faces light up. They went to bed so full of questions about if they could see him etc..
Matti who watches a lot of Veggie Tales videos said "The true meaning is how Jesus died for us to give us Hope and love for each other,and it was on a wood cross". Okay I thought that came out of no where but I liked it....
Sitting in church tonight the sun was going down and for a moment the sun came through the colored glass directly hitting my face almost like God was telling me ,Hold on I am here.....Sounds a little corney but I felt it.
I wish all of you a Wonderful Easter, Let us all try hard for a day to forget our worries and Just Be..If only for one day...LY Tracie

Prayers for all our little Friends..Sophia,Mark,Madison,Anna,Abi,Braydon,Chiari kids,MCAD kids...AND ALL OF YOU....

Thursday, April 13, 2006 10:06 PM CDT

I have to say I'm feeling kind of sad ..I worked at church tonight and while listening to the service,Pastor mentioned Abi's name in his prayers. Not sure why hearing it outloud made so much of a differance but it did. Knowing our little girl needs prayers is sad to me..It is eye opening...

I'm counting the days until the surgery, I don't want to focus on it but as the time begins to get closer Songs on the radio make me cry easier, food doesn't taste as good and the sun doesn't shine so bright right now. But I see that little candle hanging over in the corner at church with the flame that never goes out and I know God is here and He is here for Me, and that does bring me comfort.
I think those of you (Like Me) that read other Caringbridge pages All of the Moms or Dads that Journal have the same thing in common..We are holding on to God so tight because we have nothing else ..We need that faith to bring us Hope and to help us with this heart tearing fear we constantly feel.
I know sometimes I feel like I'm playing Twister, I bend I twist I have to do a lot of things that are so painful but the key of the game is not to FALL..I have to stay in the game.

I talked with Abi's N-Surg Nurse Terri she is so nice, I asked her about the surgery and her reply was..He just doesn't know what He will actually need to replace or take out until He is in there. What He does know is he has to get space in there so she can have a flow of spinal fluid.That means taking out the Graft that has failed us.I told her I was scared and she said Thats understandable..
I talked with her about pain control and she said they are very good with that and they will probably keep her pretty out of it for a little while and then they can give her a pca pump..The bad news is will be back on the Narcotic Bus ..I'm so not ready to go there again.
It seems to me He is going in and who knows what the end result will be...I just want her to be out of surgery with her eyes open and breathing thats what I want.
I told her Abi is feeling pretty poor with her cold and arm and body pain, she said we need the cold to be gone I said I would give it my best shot...Where is that fairy wand???

Take care everyone have a Wonderful Easter..
Thank you for your constant prayers ..keep them coming..I will be welcoming lots of hugs at Abi's Party please stop in and say Hi...LY Tracie

Peanut Prayers for ..Mark,Sophia,Abi,Madison,Anna,Braydon, Chiari Kids,MCAD Kids,

Thursday, April 13, 2006 8:45 AM CDT

Thank you God for this day , help me to enjoy each moment because it is a gift.......

The girls have decided to get a bad cold before easter..YEA!!
Matti was up coughing and Abi crying because of a cold and arm pain..Not too much sleep last night, good thing I don't need it.
Abi recieved cards again from her class, WOW are they wonderful so much thought and detail in each one it really made my heart happy. Abi has read them 20 times I think now and I told her we will hang them up on her wall all around her bed.
Got a call from Dr. Frims Nurse yesterday (DR. in Chicago) and she just wanted to check in and see what the plan was. I told her that we are moving forward with the surgery here on the 24th. She said that Dr Frim and Dr. Partington talked and agreed on everything needing to be done , then she mentioned it all in detail , and I have to be honest my heart stopped for a minute. Did I hear all that when Dr. P called that Friday to tell me about the needed operation ?? So I called Dr. P to ask a couple of questions and get a little more info. I will try back today.I think all I really heard that night was Surgery,High Risks and Soon......

Well, I must go perform my Motherly duties..Take care all of you and love each other ...I am so into watching for the trees to bloom and for the flowers to come up this year it is such a testament Of Gods Love and Greatness that he wants for us...If He didn't love us why would he give us such pretty things to surround us. LY Tracie

Prayers for...Madison,Braydon,Sophia,Mark,Abi,Anna, Chiari Kids,MCAD kids,Tom McClintock...

Tuesday, April 11, 2006 10:13 PM CDT

Well today was the day ..I decided that it was time to tell Abi, I started with I have to tell you something and ended with I'm scared too. She took it pretty well she just didn't understand why again??? I explained to her that the netting in the back of her neck needs to come out and then she will have some relief from her neck pain. I told her about the length of stay at the hospital and she was happy about that because they have flat screen TV's and a cart with a flat screen Gamecube game system.
Later she showed me on our feeling chart how she feels..Angry,scared and sad. I told her that Daddy and I feel all that too. I'm probably more scared about this then I have ever been about anything before and I think Paul feels the same.

Matti had kindergarden warm-up and she loved it!! But I have to admit she just seems too little, I feel like I've missed two years of her life, the bad part is I know I can't get that time back with her. I got to see some people at school like Abi's teacher and Dr. Kirkpatrick I really appreciate all of them so much , Mrs. Cartwright said the kids wanted to make cards again for Abi..I love that class they are so darn sweet..

This morning I read my book and it said "Don't waste the day away". If you do why would God want to give you another one??
I've really been trying to spend fun time with the girls so today we went to Como and fed the ducks, they loved it!! we stopped for ice cream on the way home and it was just a good time ( paul was missing that would of made it perfect)..It is so great when we can just smile and be together...I'm really looking forward to Easter and having just a great day as a family..all of us together.

The more I live I realize how we can't do this alone we need God and each other...Thank you for being there for us right now I know we say it a lot but it feels good to have the love prayers and support that all of you give.You are a gift......

Prayers for The Joncas Family,Madison,Sophia on her journey home,Braydon,Anna, all the Chiari kids, MCAD kids, Abi,Mark..LY Tracie

Monday, April 10, 2006 9:44 PM CDT

Everytime I go see Nichole and Sophia at the hospital I leave with so many questions I want answers for. Why are children given to us if then they can be taken? Why are families put together with such happiness then torn down by suffering and painful situations? I have faith but I also have a lot of questions. Why and who is the one responsible for doing this to our children?
Nichole and I pretty much just sat tonight we really had not a lot to say because what is there to say ....We are both tired and worn down like an old dirt road...I so much want a fairy Godmother wand that I can wave and make Sophia and Abi and all the kids that are sick well!! I wish it were that easy.
I just pray for God to help me understand all this junk I really do because I really can't understand it at all.
Can You? Even if good comes out of a bad situation was it worth the bad situation to get there?
Okay I'm done....

Today was a good day I got to spend one on one time with Kaydee she is so wonderful I love her little personality.Seems like I don't spend enough time getting to know her,But I will. We went on a walk and she named all the trees (Her own made-up names of course) and told me who lived in all the houses come to find out Mickey and Barney are living together in a cute brick house on Wilson..ha ha

Matti is getting a cold again and her rash is back full force, that little girl has so much trouble with her skin..Maybe since she was born in Florida her skin doesn't do well here in MN.

I think we will be telling Abi soon about the surgery because I will be taking her in for her pre-op physical..might as well get it over with.maybe she will handle it better then Paul and I she is pretty strong. I will keep it simple and just tell her that the net in her neck needs to come out so her neck will feel better.

Since Monday is her real Bday we will have a little pre-party with Pauls parents and My Mom , should be fun.....
..The girls really want the Easter Bunny to hide eggs outside this year because they have never been to an outdoor egg hunt so lets pray for no rain..

Love you guys Thank you for listening to me go on and on....I pray for all of you and wish you and your family a happy healthy spring..Extra prayers for Sophia,Mark,Madison,Braydon,Anna,Abi,Chiari kids,MCAD kids,The Joncas Family, The Moms club.....Goodnight Tracie

Sunday, April 9, 2006 9:42 PM CDT

How many times I read your notes to us and tears fill my eyes, Your love and support means the world to me, And to all of us. Thank you....
With each day that falls off the calendar I feel a little more anxious knowing the great things that are ahead like Easter and Abi's birthday and then what will follow. The Doctors office called on Friday and we are on the schedule for the 24th at 9:00, I wish it would of been a little while after her party but I guess we have to do it. Get it done !!The plan is to tell her after her real birthday on the 17th, I'm still trying to find the right words, are there any??? Probably not.
Abi has been going full speed ahead non-stop and not once have I told her don't do that, calm down ..Right now I'm at the point of live it up ..play play play....The bad part comes at bedtime because she cries and cries I think mostly because she is uncomfortable but also she is tired..

Matti had a great time at her friends b-day party when she got home her face was just beaming !! Things that a lot of kids take for granted we don't because we really haven't done anything along the lines of normal ..so it always feels good when we do.
Filled out all the paper work for Matti's Kindergarden warm-up it's Tuesday, She seems too frail and little for BIG school but I really think it will be good for her.

I do feel like I have so much to take care of before "The Day" Because then your life stops for a while and you lose focus on everything else but the Hospital and her recovery.
I think I have decided to take a month off (May) hopefully things will be back to our Norm by then.

Thanks again for the love and prayers I can't tell you the impact it has. I hope to see some of you at Abi's Birthday party , The hugs will be welcomed!! Keep the prayers coming we aren't through with you yet....I believe in the power of prayer!!
Prayers for the Joncas Family, Madison, Sophia, Braydon,Mark, Abi,Anna, Chiari kids, MCAD Kids,Moms club,All of you.....LY Tracie

Today is a Gift......

Thursday, April 6, 2006 8:42 PM CDT

I have had a couple emotional days especially mornings, I wake up to face it all again the thoughts the feelings and for some reason It just seems so overwhelming to start the day with all that. The Good news is Gods there too so I seem to be able to shift myself back into my I can do this with Gods help Mode...
The part that is the hardest is we all know we can die, and our kids can get hit by a car etc..BUT it turns into a whole differant ball game when your the one signing the papers to go through with a surgery that you know has many risks,but we also know it has to be done and that is why you sign........Someone told me today , boy your a good actress no'one would ever know what your going through, The part thats funny to me about that is I can't believe it doesn't show because I feel like someone has taken my heart right out!!! I can't understand how that doesn't show on my face.

I'm trying to figure out how much work I have to take off, my boss said take enough time because you don't want to feel rushed ..The bad news is in America you have to work to get paid...I think I will start with a month hopefully that is all i will need....unlike last year that turned into 7 months...of vacation..

Abi had her special ed testing today she was suppose to test for an hour but couldn't do it the whole time, she got too tired and had to stop.We ended up going to her class before hand and those kids are so sweet..Seeing them hug Abi and then looking at her desk with her name on it I could barely hold back the tears. I wanted so desperatly to be standing in that hall at 3:30 talking about soccer practice and just stuff , silly daily life stuff...

Today has just felt long, I'm worried about Sophia who's back in the hospital Nichole and I were saying it's kind of a drag when we are both knee deep at the same time because we don't have the energy or the rope to pull one another out. Sick Children, It's just so unfair ..I just hate it...

Thanks for checking in..Hope to see you on April 23rd for Abi's Bday party..Nativity Church 2-4..

Remeber when you send your child to school be thankful..There are a lot of us that wish for that....LY Tracie

Prayers for..Sophia,Braydon,Anna,Chiari kids everywhere,Madison,Mark(keep proving them wrong),and all of you....

P.S. I did get my first big award at WW (Keychain) 19.2 pounds Yea!!

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 9:03 PM CDT

It's funny to think everything changes when you face a situation like an upcoming brain surgery, I'm watching Abi more ,I feel like anytime I correct her I shouldn't..Then I see her playing in the yard and I think maybe the magic fairy came and fixed her during the night and we don't need the operation anymore.....Okay yes I'm going completely nuts..It is sad to say it but I'm looking at her through differant glasses right now , I want to take everything she does in and hold it tight in my heart. I try to keep really busy during the day so I don't have to focus on IT !!
I haven't been reading my book, the one that was really giving me hope and direction..I just can't seem to open it right now, I'm not mad at God I know it's not Him doing this to Her I just can't think on a deep level right now because my mind is jello. I'm just empty praying as I like to call it,I'm connecting with God but not saying anything. I know its hard to believe coming from Me but sometimes I just don't know what to say or ask for. So for now thats okay...

The Great News of the day was that Cities Limo service Told us they want to pick up Abi and a couple friends in a Hummer Limo and drive them to her Party !!! How cool is that ..It is a SURPRISE and I don't want any of the kids or Abi knowing so SHHHHHHHH....That really made my day a lot brighter to just picture the look on her face when that pulls up.....WOW..

Tomorrow is WW and hopefully me and my WW pal will be getting awards, Not sure about me I feel about as lite as a truck tire....we will see...

Paul has started bike riding, He looks cute I told him he looked sweet in a Mr. Rogers kind of way, He didn't seem to like that...ha ha

Matti and Kaydee are doing good they constanly play mermaids right now so one minute they are walking next minute they are on the floor,when I ask why they are there the reply I get is "Mom mermaids,Real Mermaids don't walk". I guess I haven't seen too many in my life, until now.

Lola and the fish are great, Lola needs to work a little on her inside voice but Rainbow is doing good at playing dead,The only time she moves is when the food comes..smart fish.....We did lose a bird one of the five died, Matti's comment was "We have more don't we". Anyway thats us right now....

Thank you for your prayers and kind words..feel free to e-mail I won't judge what you write it's just nice to know your there...Take care and look at your children through differant glasses for a while..LY TYracie..Hang in there Moms club..Prayers for peanuts...Braydon,Sophia,Madison,Abi,Anna and all the kids who have to live with the Chiari membership.....Goodnight

Monday, April 3, 2006 10:08 PM CDT

I would like to journal something positive faithfilled and a message of hope, But for right now I'm still coming to terms with reality. Things are fine here Paul and I just try and hold it together so we don't lose it. We have a strong faith in God but we also know that people die ,children die and that is life.I try not to think the worst but I do know this is going to be our longest and most difficult surgery yet and your mind does tend to think what if she doesn't make it..I also keep seeing her in my mind after the other two surgeries that were similar and it really makes me sick to think of going through it again. How can we??We just will I guess.

We still haven't told her about it I just keep the focus on her Birthday party she is so excited ..I talked with Crystal at Dr. Partingtons office and she said he had told her that four hours would be needed for the surgery but he hasn't officially given her the papers yet..But she thought it would be the last week in April.She will probably call tomorrow.

So for now we will go bowling ,we will dance in the living room to "Radio Disney",we will eat candy in between meals , we will just live for Today !!!And be together as a family..
I look at her and think what an icredible little person she is turning out to be, probably the strongest I've ever known. A friend of mine always tells me " Abi is like watching bubbles, she just makes you happy".

Please join us for Her 8th Birthday party...Nativity Lutheran Church April 23rd 2-4...Cake, Crafts we would love to get lots of hugs and see everyone who has been so great to us...More info later..

Please pray for strength for our Family...Prayers also for Sophia,Braydon,Madison,Abi,Anna and all the Chiari kids...Love ya Moms Club..And love to all of you..Tracie

Saturday, April 1, 2006 6:30 AM CST

Abi again had a day of not feeling well. I decided to call her teacher and have her not come over just for the fact that Abi hadn't been up at all by lunch time,again when asked she just says I don't feel good, I'm not sick My body just doesn't feel good..
By the evening we were all gathered atround the table eating pizza and laughing when the call finally came , the one that we were waiting so patiently for because we knew once it came the news of the next step would be here.
Dr. Partington said his apologies for taking so long but basically he had 5 differant Doctors looking at Abi's films and giving him their advice. What it comes down to is this..... Abi had a mesh net(Metal) that was placed to keep an area at the back of her brain clear so spinal fluid can flow feely well it has collapsed and is now pushing on the back of her brain. Fluid flow has pretty much been blocked there and a pool of it is starting to build up adding more pressure. Dr. P said he needs to go in same area as the two times before(Back of the head to the base of the neck) and remove the mesh,when asked how that would work before with her other N-surg we were told she could bleed out. I asked about that and he said it will be a very hard and complicated operation but he will remove all of it except for the part that has grown into her.So basically if you were to cut a screen off your screen door you would leave the part thats in the wood frame.
He told me that he would not be doing this sugery if he felt that there was an option,and we need to do it sooner then later because she is already suffering side affects they are only going to get worse. That is why she is dragging her right leg because what it is doing is causing muscle weakness and thats just the easy part.So He is changing around his schedule and wants it done sometime in the next four weeks !!!! Dr. Frim and another Dr. also stated that if this is a success she may not even need a shunt placed anymore,but He wants to take it a step at a time.

So here is the part where I have to be okay with this...I really honestly feel like my heart is going to stop beating because it hurts so bad. How in the world do we tell her ?? And when is the right time?? All she has been doing is counting down until her Birthday she is so excited and now what...Monday we find out when we will be scheduled so get your party hats ready because we may have to throw it together in a hurry. I want her to feel joy before all of this junk.
Please continue to pray for strength for us. I'm praying for God to help me to hold everything together because all I can do right now is cry.It's overwhelming.

Take care and Peanuts Prayers go out to you..Braydon,Madison,Abi,Sophia,Andrew,Baby Olander..and all the Chiari kids....Be strong Mom's club.....LY Tracie

Friday, March 31, 2006 7:08 AM CST

I love rainy days kind of fits my mood today...Not bad just mellow. Abi didn't have a great day yesterday she layed around all day and said she just didn't feel well. We did venture out to Target but after walking around for a few minutes she said I have to get in the cart and sit down. I'm trying hard not to ask her about everything..Like are you hurting? Is your leg not working etc..I'm just trying to let her Be....Maybe we will hear something today?????

She has school again today....I really like her teacher.

No real plans for the weekend, Just hanging out hope to pick up the yard a little bit and Start working on Abi's Bday party plans..Hope all of you can stop by and say HI !! Abi's Bday is the 17th But we couldn't have it at church on that day. So we will celebrate it open house style at Nativity Church (Silverlake rd.) April 23rd between 2-4, come have cake and celebrate with us......

Have a great weekend and Have some fun !!!LY Tracie

prayers for Braydon,Madison,Abi,Sophia,Andrew,Baby Olander,All the Chiari kids, and prayers for all the little peanuts out there..

Thursday, March 30, 2006 7:08 AM CST

Good morning , yesterday continued to be Great !! I had a great lunch with our IFMA family , what an amazing group of people..They have really helped us out more than I could ever thank them for. When they talk about Angels here on earth they must be talking about that group...Thank You.

Abi's teacher felt better so Abi had home school yesterday and she said she seems to be caught up in reading ,Math and spelling are still pretty behind. She has missed over 50 days of school this year already.

WW went great I got my gold star for another 5 pounds, my WW pal was there to take a picture, I think they really get a kick out of us there..We both lost pounds this week so YEA!!!
My total is 17 so far.

I was reading this morning(Purpose driven life) and I was on the chapter about surrendering to God, And I really feel thats what I've done with Abi I think I have officially turned it over..I Feel less worry and the need to control it I'm just waiting...Maybe thats why things are going better .
Here is the part I liked ..................

Put Jesus Christ in the Driver's seat of your life and take your hands off the steering wheel. Don't be afraid ;nothing under His control can ever be out of control.

So lets all do it together Hands in the air..Give up !!!Have a great day , I'm going for two in a row...Join me....LY Tracie

Prayers for.....Madison,Sophia,Baby Olander,Abi,Braydon,Baby Andrew,All the Chiari Kids..

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 7:14 AM CST

Do you ever have those days when you wake up and everything feels right?? Thats how I feel today, Thank you God for this day.. This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Yesterdays appt. went well basically she taught Abi some ways of dealing with her anxiety and Matti shared with her some pain over the little girls in pre-school not wanting to be with her and hold her hand. She ageed as a family we have a lot of healing to do and it will take some time, the bad news is we have more to face ahead.
Today we are having lunch with Chad and Des (from our IFMA Family) it is always so great to see them..The girls made so many crafts for them yesterday it was pretty cute..Tonight for me it's church and WW going for another 5pt star wish me luck....
Have a great day today remember: We are only given this one , who knows if we will have another...Dance like nobody is watching....LY Tracie

Prayers for ...Mark,Sophia,Abi,Braydon,Madison,Baby Andrew,Baby Olander,PJ,And all our prayers go out to you....

April 23rd Abi's 8th BDAY...Please come

Monday, March 27, 2006 9:15 PM CST

Another Monday here and gone..made it through without a tear..Yea me !!
I heard wonderful news about Sophia getting to go home,that is such a great but scarey feeling..I wish them so much ..Nichole and I used to joke about who would be the first one back to the hospital , I don't think its that funny to us anymore....

We had a good day today one of Abi's classmates came over to play and it was a lot of fun for the girls..me too I got to visit with an adult and we decided to sit in the living room because last time we sat and talked I ended up on the floor of the kitchen...

Abi's teacher didn't come today she is sick, kind of like everyone right now..Tomorrow we go to the Child Psychologist, Abi is having a real difficult time with bad dreams and just overall anxiety so they have been great about getting us in to see Lynda. Matti will be going too she still has a lot of anger inside, you think just because we have been home a while things would be fine But Matti and all of us for that matter have a lot of healing to do.

Still no news,I guess thats good because once you get the news ...You go forward.Sometimes its nice to wait,I think I know what's ahead but at least I haven't heard it officially yet...So I'm okay waiting and playing hopscotch..Its easier on Abi's good days. You almost forget for a while.

I have learned that in my busy day I have been forgetting to connect with God right when I get up..Just to thank him for another day and to let him know I will do my best to be my best..(Yes its another dog walking story) I was walking Lola and noticed a crumpled up paper on the sidewalk it wasn't wet or gross it was just there...I walked right by thinking "Oh a piece of paper".. Then I thought maybe this is one of those tests that book is speaking of..would God walk by trash or would he pick it up??? So I walked back picked it up and in that small act I made a differance in the world !!! It's cool how simple it is..Try it yourself...Make the world a better place..I dare ya...

Have a good day.....LY Tracie

Prayers for ....Sophia,Mark,Braydon,Nick,Madison,New baby Andrew,unborn baby Olander...and for all of you..(PJ)

REMEMBER: Abi's Birthday party...April 23rd ( More info soon)Love to see all of you there.....

Monday, March 27, 2006 8:30 AM CST

I had a pretty busy weekend with church and plus working on getting a cold..The day was so incredible yesterday we all played outside did sidewalk chalk and cleaned off the sun porch a little, can't wait to sit out there in the morning and drink my coffee it is such a great way to start the day.
Abi is feeling pretty good, We played hopscotch yesterday (I'm the Champion) Paul and I could really see how she tends to drag that right leg a lot. I asked her about it and her comment was " I just ignore it". I told her how amazed I was that she can do that...Still waiting to hear from Dr. Partington to see what he has found out.

Down the road a little ,we decided to have an open house for Abi's 8th birthday she really wanted to see everyone so I reserved the hall at church ..It will be April 23rd between 2-4 and everyone is invited ..It's so nice not to be in the hospital this year and I pray we won't be ....so thats the plan so far..

Good News Abi was also approved for special Ed. I know it seems strange to be excited about that but now she can get the help she so desperatly needs..Yea !!I guess she met 3 of the critera and only needed to meet one..I'm so glad her teacher pushed for it.

I hope everyone has a good Monday and remember You are here for a reason God has great plans for you...Prayers for Braydon,Sophia,Madison,Abi,Mark and all of you...LY Tracie

Friday, March 24, 2006 8:24 AM CST

I went out to Richfield and did a research study where they pay you to watch ads on tv etc...anyway it turned out I was an extra so I never went in. In order to get paid I had to sit for two hours ,It was nice because for once I had a chance to read a book !!! I read "Purpose Driven Life" The part I wanted to share with you that really hit home was this...........

If you have felt hopeless, hold on!wonderful changes are going to happen in your life as you begin to live it on purpose.
God says, "I know what I am planning for you....'I have good plans for you , not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future.'"You may feel you are facing an impossible situation, but the bible says, "God....is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of-infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires,thoughts, or hopes."

I just loved reading that I must of read it over and over what a sense of comfort that gave me. Maybe it will do the same for you. Have a great weekend and do something nice for you ! you so deserve it. Ly Tracie

Prayers for Mark,Sophia,Abi, Madison,Braydon may they find some peace and comfort this weekend..

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 9:48 PM CST

Okay , well that takes care of that.....
I talked with Abi's phycologist to see why she is having these nighttime scares and she seemed to think it could be her meds or she could be feeling very anxious because she knows she is not feeling very well and to her in the past that has meant surgery..She is checking on the meds and will get back to me tomorrow.
Dr. P (N-surg) was great enough to call me back himself , which I really appreciated. He told me he had been talking to several N-surg's who have differant specialties, He also said he had tried to contact Dr. Frim and has not heard back yet..So then I informed him that he has all Abi's info because I had sent it already,..He was fine with that and said good it will save him a step. He went on to say so far he is not surprised that Abi isn't doing any better, Why because he hasn't done anything to fix her. He said the one DR. from Alabama feels that Abi has not had a decompression surgery that has been successful, and that has put her where she is today..If that is the case it would mean another major operation like the two she has had before. He told me to Wait and he will be back in touch with me soon. So WE WAIT !!!
Not sure why but today I wanted back in the game I wanted to know where things stood, I can only be silent for so long then my head pops off and I turn into a crazy woman....

Went to WW tonight and gained .2 I was okay with it since I have been eating bread like ducks in a pond...It is about losing the weight but it is also about taking care of me and putting myself first in one little area of my life. That makes it all worth it...My WW buddy is the best too she really keeps me motivated.

Well the ping pong ball is back on their side so for now I will put down my paddle and take a breath pray a lot and see what comes our way........Our life is like a cereal box, I know there is a prize in there somewhere I just may have to eat a lot of frosted flakes to find it. So let me grab a spoon and get on with it because I WANT THE PRIZE....Thanks for hanging in there with me even when I make no sense (like tonight).......Have a good one and know God has great things in store for us we just have to be silent once in a while to know what they are..LY Tracie
Prayers for Mark,Braydon,Sophia,Madison,The Elliot baby,snowflake, and all the Peanuts and their families..

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 9:01 AM CST

Today is a day of action for me ...I'm sick of how things are going and I'm going to do my best to help the situation.....I always get here now and then when I stay up the night before and say THats it God...I'm so done living like this...So today I want answers..lots of them...will I get any probably not but I will keep calling until I feel better.........

Don't e-mail telling me how I need to focus on this and that God will take care of you..Blah blah..I know all that I really believe it too. BUT for today I can be sick of it...so I will !!
Feel free to join me if there is somethiong your sick of we can be in it together...

Well it is 9:00 time to call Doctors....Stay tuned more to come later......LY Tracie

Prayers go out to all the people sick of a situation......

Monday, March 20, 2006 9:41 PM CST

If you are reading this on Tuesday..the 21st I have to start by saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my Husband Paul !!You make this world a better place...I'm so glad you were born..I love you...

Today was again long Abi just keeps saying that she doesn't feel good all over. Being unsure what that means I really didn't call any Doctors, I kind of felt like why bother...
I did receive a call from Dr. B and he was telling me about his conversation with Dr. Partington. He went on to say since the MRI showed an increase of swelling in her spinal cord not only width but length ....WAIT a Minute hold it!! I was never told that !! I was told it wasn't any better but I was never told it was worse..So then I had DR.B read the full report and thats what it said.....Not sure why but that blew me away..
I asked him what the plan seems to be and he told me Dr. P is going to call some experts in that area and see what they suggest, I do appreciate the fact that he is willing to ask other professionals ..I'm suppose to call Thursday, guess I will wait and see what they have to say. I sent all the things they suggested to Dr. Frim so I guess I've done all I can for now...Abi overheard me talking about her spinal cord and how it hasn't gotten better (I think she can tell anyway) She asked me if she will have to have another operation, I tried to play it off like probably not even though in my heart I'm thinking yes probably so..I just felt she doesn't need to deal with that right now.
It's funny how you can be so filled with Go and then the next minute your back at the pump trying to get some zest back. This has been such a rollercoaster ride..Not in a good way.
On a positive note We are home and all together and will be sharing Pauls Birthday as a family..Thats a lot better then last year at this time. So that is a Gift !!!

We were watching Deal or No Deal tonight and it came to the part of the show when you at home guess on a case 1 thru 6 one of them has 10,000 dollars in it. We always guess and see who's right. Matti walks in the room and picks number 4 then goes to leave the room and says " Let me know if I lose". Almost like she just assumed she was a winner but in the rare chance she isn't let her know !!! I wish we as adults could think like that more. With God always on our side I wonder why we don't?????
Just for today ..BE a WINNER !!!

I know Paul's Birthday will still have a little gray cloud over it because everything is like that right now..But my hope is we can push it to the left just a little and let the sun in even for just an evening as a family...Take care all you winners out there know you are loved and prayed for...LY Tracie

Prayers for Sophia, Madison, Braydon, Mark , Abi and all the peanuts out there.....

Sunday, March 19, 2006 10:02 PM CST

I sit here tonight pretty tired , it seemed like everything was a struggle today. Abi had probably one of the worst days that we have had in a while. She stayed in bed a lot and in the evening I had to give her valium because she had bad shoulder and neck pain, seemed all the valium did was make her really dizzy and It made her cry even more. somehow I get so in a pattern of dealing with this I wonder what a seven year olds life is really like???It breaks my heart when she has to ask things like "Do you think boys will ever think I'm pretty "? Or tonight she shared with me how sometimes when she goes to sleep she thinks she might die, She went on to say she thinks she's healthy but sometimes she doesn't feel right. As a Mom how am I suppose to handle that..I don't remember reading that in My "Being the best Mom you can be handbook."..

It's really no wonder I feel so strongly about going to see Dr. Frim, I'm fighting so hard to get Her life back and ours...Why wouldn't I ?? What have we really got to lose...He may be our Hero or not but ..I have to keep my eye on the prize!!!

I recieved a letter from Abi's school they are meeting to see if she now qualifies for special Ed., I pray that happens,any help she could get from that would only help her in the long run. Even though she is smart she has several issues that will and have caught up with her.

I do believe there will come a day when our life is no longer on hold ..Because right now its as if we are always looking through foggy glass...

I pray for each one of you tonight along with Mark..Madison..Sophia..Braydon..Abi..And the Moms club

Take care hope your day is filled with rootbeer floats and hearing your favorite song in the car kind of things......Please I could use a few e-mails you know how Mondays are...LY Tracie

Thursday, March 16, 2006 10:01 PM CST

In life we are always told starting as children, "You can do anything you set your mind to". Well I'm here to tell you that is so not true !!
With all the things we have been through and things left ahead I try to cut things to save a buck here and there. I recently cancelled our daily paper and so today I thought how hard could it be to groom our faithful dog Lola ??
I got out the electric shaver that we originally bought so I could cut Pauls hair (but he chickened out) I took Lola's collar off and proceeded with the children watching me like what is that crazy lady doing now...The first strip went fine so I got a little over confident and the next thing I knew all I saw was skin..pinkish dog skin, I thought to myself this is so not good....with white fluffy hair everywhere and the kids covering their mouths and laughing I finally decided I was not a good dog groomer. I guess I'm not good at everything..Hmmm who would of thought, sometimes I'm amazed Paul leaves me home alone with the kids..ha ha

I worked today to get the films sent to Dr Frim and I'm happy to say they are on the way, never heard from Dr. B I'm sure he will probably call tomorrow. It's funny because I catch myself feeling like I'm cheating on Dr. Partington..But he would probably appreciate a second opinion I know he has Abi's best interest at heart because he is that kind of a Doctor. I was sorry to hear his father passed away, please pray for his family.

Abi has really had a couple differant issues ..Fuzzy vision and light headedness,we were at the petstore today and she had to get in the cart and lay down . It really upsets me that they assumed changing the Meds would make such a differance that she would be able to be back at school..That is so not the case....

Everyone else seems to be okay Matti and Kaydee are getting colds again so we have that to look forward to.

Paul is coming up on his 43rd birthday on Tuesday..Since he can't have an XBOX 360 I was trying to think what could be better...Then it came to me !!! If everyone at work starts telling him things that are good for him..He Loves that !!
Like when I say "Paul These meatless meatballs are GOOD FOR YOU". I can't tell you how he just smiles from ear to ear..ha ha so please give him your healthiest advice, what a great gift...Hee Hee

JUST FOR TODAY..........
I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct and accept those I cannot....
What it is ,is what it is...

Thanks for stopping in ....Prayers for the peanuts and The Partington family, The Elliots and the Olanders...LY Tracie

Thursday, March 16, 2006 7:45 AM CST

Good morning another snow day upon us ...I have to say it is pretty BUT I could use a little spring now...

Once again God has blessed us with no Dr. appts today and we are staying home....

I heard from Dr. Frim and He thought we should start with me sending all the MRI's and flow studies and reports from surgeries etc...So looks like I will have a full day. I will start by calling Dr. B and seeing what he can get together..
I really hope and pray Dr. Frim says he can help us..I guess I can do what I can do and God takes care of the rest.

I had a really good meeting last night at WW I lost another 3.8 pounds leaving my grand total at 14.2 I really feel good and empowered , I guess it feels to me that I can kinda control this part of my life because the other stuff is way out of my hands..I have a WW buddy and that has really helped me this time..as we know its hard to do things alone.

JUST FOR TODAY.......
I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds , I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.......

Let's all try today to make one persons life a little easier.Remember too when you shovel make a path for your postal person its hard work walking through that much snow..Let's take care of each other !!!

Prayers for Vicki and her baby soon to arrive , Madison, Braydon,Sophia, Mark,Abi ,Baby Olander...All the other peanuts too...

Love you guys ...Tracie

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 8:00 AM CST

Yesterday was a good day, Abi had her first home school visit and the tutor was great !! Abi seemed to really like her. I was so glad that I didn't send her to school because she actually had a hard time just finishing the session. But after her pain med. she seemed to do okay until evening.

I got a surprise visit from Chad our "extreme Home Makeover Guy" just checking in to see how we were..Those people not only fixed up our house but they became family to us and I'm glad when they check in.

Spent some time last night at Childrens hospital with Nichole, Julie and I decided to go bug her for a little while...As I know sitting at a hospital can drive you a little crazy !!

Haven't heard back yet from Dr. Frims office but more and more I know that is where we need to go....I will call again this morning.

I feel good today I have my HOPE back and it feels like I'm connected again..Chad and I were talking yesterday about how we all start out with the same dreams of a family a home a dog and dance classes soccer games..and parent teacher meetings..BUT then for some of us it doesn't seem to work out that way. But like Nichole always says "IT is what it is".
I still know everyday how blessed I am ...God reminds me of that all the time...Thank you for hanging out with me ...LY Tracie

Prayers: Sophia, Madison, Mark,Braydon,Abi and all the other little peanuts....

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 9:17 AM CST

Hello,
Well after thinking about it we have decided to make the appt. with Dr. Frim in Chicago, like someone told me what have you got to lose..If he can help you GREAT if he says there is nothing that can be done well maybe thats where the peace and acceptance will come in..But if we never try this door we will never know whats behind it...So we will move forward with a new chapter...If your up for it I want you to come along too.

Abi has her tutor coming today hopefully she will be up for that, she has still been pretty emotional and bedtime is still by far the worst. I think at night she is still enough to listen to her body and then she gets uncomfortable, last night the big issue was leg pain. We get through it one day at a time.

I spoke with Dr. B yesterday to get his thoughts about everything and he said he hasn't talked to Dr. P yet and will soon He thought we should wait just a little bit and mention Dr. Frim to him..Of course as Paul knows and the reason I do not bake is because I don't follow direction very well..I like to think of it as I'm A LEADER..ha ha
You have to admit I have been pretty patient But I do feel God is showing me all this for a reason.

JUST FOR TODAY...................................
I will live through this day only.
I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow.
I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of
my problems at once.
I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Have a oereo cookie dipped in milk kind of day !!!
Stay in today do not move forward ...........LY Tracie

Prayers coming your way Mark,Braydon,Madison, Sophia.and all the Chiari kids out there.

Monday, March 13, 2006 9:15 AM CST

Well I am looking into Chicago, Dr. FRim a specialist in N-Surg for Chiari kids like Abi. I know we don't have the resources to go so I sent an e-mail asking if He would look at her scans...Keep your fingers crossed..I don't think I could take going all the way there and having him say Sorry !!!!!
Well God has really blessed us with a great white day it is cozy and we have no Doctor appts. so yea !!I'm just glad Paul made it in okay to work.
I have decided to have Abi work with her tutor at home until after spring break I just don't feel she is ready for a whole day at school. She has been so irritable and short fused not sure what that is all about but yesterday she cried for an hour because she wants to go to California to see one of her fav. stars and we had to tell her No...Her reply was I have enough money ( six dollars in dimes and nickles).Anyway ,other than that she is doing okay.

I have talked with a couple friends the last couple of days and the topic seems to be Life and how at times it's tough !! It seems when things go bad they get worse ..But after talking with them I was reminded and so were they that today is really all we have...and when you struggle and fight it's a pretty good sign your not turning it over to God,You just have to picture God with a catchers mit on saying "go ahead throw it at me I can handle it". And He can and will..Try it.
Have a great day....Pray for all the little kiddos (Mark,Braydon,Madison,Sophia,Abi,) LY Tracie

Saturday, March 11, 2006 3:07 PM CST

I went for a long walk this morning and got to the top of Honeywell hill and I yelled out for God to show me what the heck I'm suppose to do !!!
I'm really thinking a lot about Chicago and going to see that DR. there...I really like Dr. Partington and Gillette BUT I really have to think about the best possible resource that I can give Abi. I don't have to decide today I will pray about it.
I've spent most the afternoon cleaning up water thats gushing out of the washing machine not sure why but boy our basement floor has never looked cleaner !!
I have to make the decision if I should try to send Abi to school or just let the tutor come until spring break is over..Feel free to give me your opinions I will take them..Not sure I have the energy for big decision making right now..
Thats all I got take care love ya ...Tracie

Thursday, March 9, 2006 9:52 PM CST

Not sure what to say tonight.....Today started really well the sun was shining I believed in my heart that good things were going to happen for us. We ended up going to Gillette too early so we made a trip over to Pauls work, everyone there was just as I had pictured them. What a great group of people, Abi had a huge smile on her face when we left and so did I. Thanks you guys !!!

The Doctor visit wait was long by the time we got in it was just the same old questioning that we always get.How is she feeling? Are mornings worse? Hows the neck pain? Is she worse? I'm so sick of it....I might as well just get to the point because if not This will be a whole page of negative....
Anyway she still has the swelling in her spinal cord its not any better and they can't really tell if its worse.However He wasn't sure what to do and will talk with other Doctors.The shunt will stay turned down and they changed her medicine times to see if they can get her feeling okay to go to school.
Thats the most hurtful part for me as I can hardly see to type this through the tears..Lets just get her by !!! Has anyone thought maybe we should fix the problem...I'm so sick of the Don't knows and the stupid questions I could pull my hair out...So I was left with we will talk in two weeks..and ya know how I've been so good about waiting...Well NO DEAL!!!!!! I feel like that little girl has waited enough ..she wants her life is that so hard to understand she doesn't want to feel bad anymore...and either do we..We need a knight to ride in a super hero is that a lot to ask for?
I'm almost to the point where I don't think great things are going to happen....My hope as we call it has run dry I'm empty...And I don't feel I will have any for a while ...I was at the same point last year at this time..And I'm still in the same place the only differance is the surgery count.
I am so sorry but for today I just cannot feel good about any of this..I'm so angry, sad and discouraged...

Thursday, March 9, 2006 7:50 AM CST

Yeaterday went well Abi was her old brave self..when we got there she got to watch her favorite show from when she was in the hospital "Wishing well show" so that helped take her mind off the procedure for a little while.
When they gave her the sleep medicine she hugged me and said goodnight momma and I kissed her and there she went.

I spent alot of time looking at the MRI on the computer last night ( we are bringing a disc to see Dr. Partington today N-surg) Just looking for a sign if her spinal cord is better worse etc....What I came up with is ....I have no idea..I guess I'm not a Doctor..who would of guessed.

I rearranged the whole living room yesterday Morning because I was so nervous, and I have to tell you I like it this way see stress is helpful. Not sure what project I will tackle today while I wait to go maybe a closet or two...

I really pray that God is with us today as we hear "THE NEWS" If it matters at all I would like to have some good float our way ..and for that little girl to be able to live her life again for a little while..just a thought not by any means telling you what to do God....

Pray for Mark, Sophia, Madison,Abi,Braydon, and Me so I don't YELL NO DEAL !!! If the Doc says something I don't want to hear....LY TRacie

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 10:14 PM CST

Today coming home from the Doctor we saw a man holding a sign on the corner asking for money just like we always do. Abi feels she has this system to tell when someone is really homeless and not just trying to get money the easy way. Today she said "Mom his sign says anything will help you've got to give him something I can tell he's really poor"!!!!!! I had five dollars left over from the parking ramp so I rolled down the window and stuck it out there , Here he came to get it and the best part was he said "Thank you God bless you". After looking back at Abi and seeing the smile it put on her face to help someone I realized once again God has blessed me .....

Tomorrow brings a day I'm not looking forward to but I know We must move forward to find out if there is still a problem with her spinal cord. Abi says she is ready for it now after talking with Lynda today, she thinks the scary part is when they put the sleep medicine in..I didn't share it with her but thats the part I do not care for either, It's almost like everything stops and she just lays there it is so hard to watch, even though we have been through it so many times.
It's almost like I hold my breath until I see her in recovery trying to slowly get her eyes open. We go in pretty late tomorrow not until 1:30 I feel bad for her because she will be pretty hungry by then..She gets jello until 10:00 WOW...That always hits the spot..ha

I just pray that God watches over her tomorrow and holds her hand while she sleeps..I pray He gives us strength to take this next step whatever it may be.....

I just kind of feel sad tonight, I love that new game show "Deal or No Deal"..Because so many times when you go through life don't you sometimes just want to Shout..NO DEAL !!!
and have that be the end of the thing that you want stopped..Life isn't like that we just are left to DEAL !!!

Take care pray hard for all those little peanuts out there...Braydon,Abi,Mark,Sophia,Madison, and all of the ones not listed too..Goodnight and may tomorrow bring you a little joy....LY Tracie

Monday, March 6, 2006 9:57 PM CST

I figured it was time to get back in the saddle......Not sure what happened to me I just found it hard to say anything ...I know thats hard to believe but yes it was true....I spent sometime with Nichole in the ICU watching Sophia and a lot of other kids suffering and I have to tell you it was hard for me to swallow it all. I had a lot of questions I needed answers for, like Why those kids have to live a life like that ? I don't know it was just hard...I know when I left there that night I couldn't wait until morning so i could hug the girls and tell them how much I love them.

I am kind of stressing a little about the scans coming up on Wed. so I gave in to the darn malted milk easter eggs, I must say they were good the marshmellow egg I followed it with was a little much but I will survive.......
Abi will be going to see her phycologist tomorrow to help her talk through some of her anxiety about being sedated again, she is really upset about it cried a lot today because she's worried..I think she knows that what they find might mean another surgery but we won't go there...I will find out on Thursday when I meet with the N-surg and we go over the findings..I must say I'm not real confident that the first surgery did the trick just because she isn't any better she's almost worse..
We had her physical today and Dr. B was not too happy that she has missed so much school and hasn't felt any better..He said he will be calling over there tomorrow to see what is going on. The tutor called and seemed great !! She will be starting Monday, since we have medical stuff all the rest of this week. I told her when she asked me when Abi"s good time of day is, You never know from one day to the next, one day it's sunny the next day rain...I wish I knew...I pray we can get this all figured out and do what we need to and get her back to school. She really misses her school friends and teachers.

Talked with Dr. B about Kaydee's ears because she still complains about them, He suggested when things calm down with Abi I will go see a ear nose and throat Dr., The funny part is (I guess) She may need an MRI , to really tell whats going on..I just laughed and said it's probably a good idea anyway...
Matti is doing fine except for her preschool friendship issues, now her friend she really liked doesn't want to hold her hand anymore...oh for petes sakes do I need to start sending candy bribes...not sure what the answer is there..
Paul came home sick today, he looks awful and feels worse..I think he's realized its not too quiet around here, I'm trying to keep the girls away from him as much as I can so they don't get sick...That means he can't play barbies with them..ha ha I'm so bad ha ha..

Like Nichole and I say " It is what it is" But the thing I'm learning to do is to DANCE anyway....Thanks God for your strength....Pray for the little peanuts everywhere..( Mark, Braydon, Sophia,Madison, and Abi)....Today is a gift......

Friday, March 3, 2006 8:14 AM CST

Taking the day off.....Love ya Tracie

Thursday, March 2, 2006 8:20 AM CST

Good morning everyone.....Today is a good day so far woke up with all three girls in my bed (I love that) with thier giggles and sleepy smiles....Last night at weight watchers I reached my 10 pounds so I got a gold star, now its off torwards 15..can't wait !! Abi has had a good couple of days just sleeping is still the bad part seems like in the mornings she just lays around and then feels better as the day continues. The rash situation is still itchy the Dr. said He had no idea just to coat her in lotion several times a day Kaydee too..
I did get to see Nichole at Childrens yesterday so that made it worth the trip right there...
I have to tell you I was so proud yesterday Matti asked me if she could start using hair products....Oh my little girl is growing up...
Have a super day and don't forget to leave those windows open ..lots of blessings out there for you...

Prayers for peanuts.....Madison,Abi,Braydon,Sophia,Mark,Domonic

LY Tracie

Tuesday, February 28, 2006 10:03 PM CST

Lets just say my day really took a wrong turn even after I felt like it couldn't get worse.....The rash Matti had spread like fire and now Kaydee has it too..Matti and Kaydee are an itchy mess, the nurse said to bring Matti in and of course I didn't and now its worse and Kaydee is bad along with her...Lola had to go to the vet because she had some issues with her pooper, Paul took her in and she has a bad infection and now she is taking medication....(there is a good part to this hang on) Then in the mail came a letter from hennepin county saying they are stopping the girls medical assistance because Heres the funny part "We make too much money" Ha Ha anyway..They gave us today to enjoy it so March 1st it stops!!!Then came the part when I felt like I couldn't fall any lower..A friend of mine Carole stopped by ,it was great to have an adult to sit and talk with. So there we sat at the kitchen table I was filling her in about my not so smooth day and the next thing I knew I was laying flat on my back !! My chair had busted and I went flying backwards..Her face was priceless as she stood up and looked at me laying on the floor like someone who was drunk and fell off a barstool..We laughed so hard and at that point I realized What I have been doing ..I had lost me for the last couple of days given up hope ..But hitting rock bottem (or the kitchen floor)made me realize, I am so not a person to walk away from a ship thats leaking a little I'm the type to stay and try my best to fix the hole even when it seems as if it will never stop. So I am officially off the floor and the only way to go is up..So as My Mom and I like to say "I will pull up my big girl panties and deal with this".
I do think when we consume our thoughts with negative the positive has no room to sneak in. So God I have opened the windows and I am welcoming greatness !! You've promised me that I don't know why I always feel like the bus will pass by my stop. Human I guess....So all of you out there if just for today let your hopes be known to God, and just for giggles expect them to come true...Hopefully it won't take a broken chair and laying flat on your back!!!
LY all Tracie..

Sophia's caringbridge page has been corrected...Sophiaekstrom.....Type that in you should be able to check it out...Keep prayers for Abi, Mark,Sophia,and Braydon. Thank you we appreciate it so much.....

Tuesday, February 28, 2006 9:02 AM CST

I woke up this morning singing songs of hope and joy (okay thats a little over the top) anyway I go to let Lola out granted I'm still asleep and step right into a pile of poop!! BUT I was not about to let that decide the fate of my day so I wipe myself off and continue on....Make myself a nice cup of coffee and go to check on the girls and step in dog pee...Okay now I start to think my day is on the downward turn..but still I continue ....Matti wakes up because she is covered in a bad rash and cannot stop itching and I must admit its bad. I think peace comes from acceptance so I take peace in knowing today is just going to be awful..Ha Ha ....I did call the Doc. about the rash but no calls back yet.
As I'm down here I hear Kaydee running back and forth doing her tarzan voice scream it really sounds like she is going to come go through the floor. Now I see why Paul likes it down here..it is kind of quiet.
I have a funny story , the other night Paul gave the girls a bath He hates when they bring barbies in the tub but I talked him into it..girls need that I said...anyway after the bath Kaydee and Matti tried to take the barbies in their room but Paul put a stop to that!!! After Abi got out I heard the blow dryer going and I knew Abi would never let Paul dry her hair because for some reason it hurts her head and neck....I open the door and their is Paul blow drying Barbie and her friends hair !! I didn't know if I should be jealous or just laugh really hard........ha ha

I did talk with Abi's Doctor yesterday and they said she is having alot of symptoms because the shunt is basically turned almost off..they do not want to turn it back up until they know for sure her spinal cord swelling is down(find out on the 8th)..So we wait and just appreciate the times when she feels good..she really isn't doing too bad we were able to take a walk yesterday together..nighttime is probably the worst and mornings...Thanks for your prayers and calls....
Good news Sophia is doing a little better they may be taking her off the vent. today (your prayers are working..Keep praying hard for Mark and Braydon,and Sophia and don't forget the families too....Ly all Tracie...Hope your day doesn't have you stepping in poop..But if it does wipe it off and keep going......

You can now read about Sophia on a caringbridge page...tpye in - Sophiaesktrom

Tuesday, February 28, 2006 8:48 AM CST

Hi........

Sunday, February 26, 2006 10:23 PM CST

Since I had NO sleep last night I thought I would go to sleep early, but the minute I put my head on the pillow I got the its Monday tomorrow shakes...I guess right now I just kind of feel angry!! I hope you don't mind if I share a couple reasons after all this is my therapy:

Why Tracie is Angry........................................

I'm angry because:
Abi will not be getting on the school bus tomorrow, selling girlscout cookies, playing soccer, or having fun with her friends.

I'm angry because:
Sophia and Mark are fighting to live right now.

I'm angry because:
I'm tired of the worry about money and the stress that goes along with it.

I'm angry because:
I want to be a regular Mom doing bake sales and volunteer work at school, I want to have my Mom come over to watch the kids because Paul and I have a life not because of Doctor Appts.

I'm angry because:
I want people when they see us not to feel bad because of all we go through but be happy because they know how blessed we are.

I'm angry because:
I don't want children to have to be so strong like Braydon and Abi and have so many things challenge them.

I'm angry because:
When Abi wishes for things I want them to be magical not wishes for no more headaches.

I'm angry because:
Matti has just gotten comfortable in pre-school and some little girl takes it upon herself to make sure Matti knows that she does not love her and that she will not be playing with her.

I'm angry because:
I can't type or spell well.

I'm angry because:
Every Sunday I get the same feeling the one like something more then likely will happen tomorrow , It makes me mad that I can't look forward to Monday right now I just can't.

Well I know I feel better I just had to let that out. I know I've been here before and I probably will be again but I am so sick of this.....Its a bad dream that just keeps going on and on.. So for now I will not swim in the "How could this be happening pool" and I will move forward with Gods help of course counting my blessings along the way..If I only focus on the thorns I will miss the roses right? Thank you for letting me vent I always feel a lot better...Remember we are looking for roses.....LY Tracie

Friday, February 24, 2006 7:36 PM CST

Okay once again it has been one of those days that I will try to be positive....Abi had a rough night not terrible but rough,I called the n-surg because we had an appt. with the Nurse practitioner "Terry" Who I really like, anyway I tried to get us out of our appt because we were just there and really felt Abi was okay even though her headpain has increased...But of course they made us come in and so we went...Here I was thinking it would be a short how are you etc..But she was concerned and decided to do a spinal tap but they put the needle in the top of her head in the shunt instead of back, So of course Abi was scared to death and for me I at this point seem kind of numb to almost everything that goes on, call it denial, depression who knows..Anyway they took a sample of spinal fluid and then put contrast into her head so we could then go get a CT scan ( I know some short visit) So after that painful procedure was over we got the scan then came back up of course raiding the snack machine since we had been there 3 hours already( I got baked chips) The scan showed that all the contrast had only gone into one ventricle and hadn't moved through to the areas that it should..At this point I'm like lets get my purse and forget this whole appt ever happened...............................................
So then we were sent down stairs again 2 hours later because they wanted another CT scan, so after that was over she said they wanted to increase her pain med. and she thought for now the shunt seemed to be working..But to watch the incision because it seems to be leaking a little under the glue!!!!!!!!!!That is a day when you search for a bottle of Chardonnay the minute you walk in the door( I was out)..
Can I just say through it all Abi was the bravest little thing I have ever seen, never once did she complain or say I want to go home..All that time and all the things they did to her and her face still shines..She has taught me what faith and courage are all about I have learned more from her then I could ever teach back.
So now all we do....Can you guess ? Here I'll help you -
WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UNTIL THE SCANS ON THE 8TH....

I pray that all of you don't have struggles I Hope you have ear infections and colds and things you can take over the counter medicine for..But for those of us in "The Club" This is just another day trying to make things better for our children and its so amazing when we can see the good along the way..Thats God I guess....

Prayers for Mark,Sophia,and Braydon and all the other peanuts out there.....LY Tracie

Friday, February 24, 2006 7:32 AM CST

I"m going to start with a special request...Sophia isn't doing very well and I really need the power of prayer to reach her, I know most of you don't know her but all I can tell you is she is a gift to this world and the little sparkle she has in her eyes and the fire she has inside her is something like I've never seen before..So pray for her and her family..Also Little Braydon who is making great positive steps and Mark who needs extra prayers too...Thanks

Abi had a bad night lots of headpain, that seems to be increasing a little I called the Dr. to see if we could up her medication but I haven't heard back yet. It has been nice spending time with her since she is not at school she always has projects going and usually reading books by the 100"s.
Matti seems to be feeling better and will be going to school today. Kaydee of course has been running a fever and is not feeling good at all, she says her mouth is sick!

As for Paul and I we just keep the show going and Thank God for another day in paradise!!!Have a Great weekend ..LY TRacie

Thursday, February 23, 2006 7:56 AM CST

Not too much to say today...I did e-mail Abi's teacher (who has been wonderful by the way) and we might be setting up home school for a little while. Some days I really think she could go but some no way so this will probably be best for right now.
Her hair still seems dry I think, it is so hard to tell with all that glue.
My weight watcher meeting was great as usual still haven't made it to 10 pounds 8.4 is total lost so far, I guess you can't eat a candy store and still lose weight (who would of thought) I will be getting my 10 pound star next week...
I guess Sophia is at Childrens hospital again, the good news is I will be able to see Nichole.I enjoy her company..

Have a good day , give yourself a hug for me...LY Tracie
Prayers sent to Braydon, Sophia and Mark and to all the Moms in the club

Wednesday, February 22, 2006 8:15 AM CST

Yesterday they super glued Abi"s head together and put her on a really strong anti-biotic, Because if spinal fluid can get out infection can get in..So now we wait to see if it will hold..So far so good today!!
She is also having alot of twitching and neck pain and when talking with them yesterday That is clear signs of high pressure , so that could mean the shunt replacement hasn't really fixed our problem. Well he did say it was the easy first step..They did turn her shunt down as low as it can go and we are having more MRI's and other scans on the 8th, I just pray the swelling of her spinal cord has gone down......
Even though the signs aren't really pointing in that direction......
I might be sending her to school tomorrow she wants to go so bad so I might just do it...she has missed so much already.

Matti has a bad cold and will not be going to school today...Kaydee has been up since three she decided that we had slept enough and wanted to be up. Lola is great I just love her to death she is such a great dog..The birds and rainbow the fish are fine too...Tonight is weight watchers I always feel so heavy on wed. We will see, I have stopped snacking at night instead I drink water so we will see if that pays off...

I guess Sophia is on the way to the hospital today so lets keep her in your prayers..Braydon and Mark too...
Each day is a gift and even though I have alot hitting the fan I do count my blessings each and everyday!!!!You are one of them...Thanks for your calls and e-mails and prayers..LY Tracie

Monday, February 20, 2006 6:35 PM CST

I love this verse from a song "worn me down like a road" Thats me I am a worn down road...

If I was playing the Neurosugery game of life it would go something like this .............Bob I will take Complications from a shunt surgery for five hundred, Question: What serious complication can you have after an easy shunt replacement operation? Well, Bob could that be Spinal fluid leak from the incision? Yes, You are a winner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thats me a winner, well Abi had alot of trouble this morning slurred speech and not real with it and I have been noticing Her hair is really greasy around her surgery incision, Me trying not to look for trouble didn't think anything of it but thought I would mention it when they called..Well the Dr. said she is still having High pressure symtoms and it sounds like a CFS leak, GREAT!! So tomorrow morning we are going in and they are going to try and glue her incision closed then turn her shunt almost off and hope that will stop the leak. Then the first of March we will have more scans to see if the spinal cord swelling has increased...

What can I say Thats how it is so I've just got to pray that everything will be okay. It almost feels like someone in the school yard keeps hitting me in the face but I can't swing back because I really can't be mad at anyone, Its really no'ones fault its just how it is!!
I watched extreme home makeover last night and a sick little girl who had cancer said to TY " I wish I was a baby again because thats when my life was good". It brought me to tears because I could see Abi saying that very thing...Why does life have to be so hard for her?????Or any child for that matter...Oh well .....Thank you for checking in...Prayers for Abi, Sophia, Braydon and Mark.......LY Tracie

Sunday, February 19, 2006 10:04 PM CST

I remember all through High school wanting to be in clubs in groups and it felt great belonging to something..The group I belong to now is pretty painful,It's the group of Moms with sick children..Today I was once again faced with a Mom who is in a lot of pain because her child is very seriously ill, I have to say it is hard to see the look that we get (the members in our club)and how we try so very hard to keep it all pulled together no matter how many times we feel like breaking, its almost like the make-up on our faces, we put as I like to call our game face on. Our strength must come from God because where else could we find power like that.
The sermon today was about putting faith first, I think the woman in our club don't really hold that as an option because I know for me faith is the only reason I can make it through all this , it is the only reason I can start my day. Without God and my faith in Him what would be the point..
For all of the Moms out there who by no choice of thier own have to be in this club, I want you to know you are cared for prayed for and most importantly NEVER alone...We are in this together and I just have to think God is so on our team..

LY goodnight Tracie

Special prayers for Sophia, Mark, Braydon, Dominic,and all the other children who need prayers and don't forget their Moms......

Sunday, February 19, 2006 6:17 AM CST

Abi hasn't felt too great the last couple of days on and off headaches that make her have to lay down..Yesterday was a pretty good day she seemed to stay busy and handle it okay, It is just something in her face that just doesn't seem right. I did talk with The nurse practitioner on Fri and she said she would let Dr. Partington know, her shunt is turned pretty low and I'm not sure if she can handle that very well. I guess the plan is to have it turned low to hopefully help the build up and then the swelling of her spinal cord will go down...Thats the plan A...
I could not sleep and that is the reason I'm up so early, thought I would go into work early since I hadn't been there all week. We were suppose to go to a wine tasting last night, when It got closer to the time I just couldn't go, I felt like I had a long week and really wasn't up to it..I always get this way where I feel like I want to hide away in my house for a while..Its a good time for that since its so cold out..
I am going to attend the 8:00 service today because I have a lot to thank God for He was really there for me this week, I couldn't have done it without Him....
Abi made a lunch last night , and then packed some clothes in a little red suitcase. I asked her if she was planning to run away from home? No she said I just plan to spend the whole day in my bed!! I guess we all need our little escapes now and then. One of my friends e-mailed me and said take a bath with a candle and pretend your on a trip, so I did just that....Didn't work out so well cookie monster was on the wall to my left I have Lola trying to lick the side of the tub, Kaydee banging on the door saying"Mommy are you in there?" And to top it all I was the last to take a bath so the water wasn't very warm...Well thats a Mom vacation ......But really I wouldn't change a thing!!!!Ly have a blessings day...Tracie..P.S. Don't forget to thank God today...Extra prayers for Sophia and her family

Friday, February 17, 2006 8:14 AM CST

Doesn't it seem like I have a positive entry then a everything has gone down the pooper entry...Yesterday was very hard and emotional for me Abi didn't do well at all she had headpain and was really sick to her stomach, so I called the Dr. just because it was such a change from the day before, they said just to wait it out a little and I could bring her in today..She seems to be starting out okay so far(What I have learned is don't plan a parade because it could rain even though the sky is clear).
I think I'm going through my we just had surgery depression , where I finally have caught up with it all and so every little thing overwhelms me..I just can't seem to be the strong person I usually am right now, God understands that I know thats why He kicks in as my backup..I know this too shall pass..........
Last night after everyone was asleep I was thinking maybe I will just take a little trip somewhere for a week or so..Tonight!! but of course reality kicks in and the bad part would be I would miss my family too much Paul would lose his job because he would have to stay home, I wouldn't have money for a nice hotel so I would end up staying in Billy Bobs beer bottle inn...sounds like a great get-away to me...so of course I changed my mind.
I guess its okay to have your life be spinning out of control sometimes I think all you have to do in hold on pray and try to enjoy the ride without losing your cookies...
Have a God filled day!!Know you are loved........Tracie

Thursday, February 16, 2006 8:26 AM CST

We are home and things are going pretty well, she has had a little pain in her arms and head but other than that she is doing good. I'm suppose to watch and see if her spinal cord stuff is better meaning that her pressure is working itself out we will see.
I have recently come to terms with the fact that this is going to be our deal for a while, I have to deal with the fact that this is who she is now and she has medical needs...I know most of you are saying, No kidding but as a parent thats a hard think to admit..You try so hard to get her back to what she was when all this started(the girl in the pictures you have hanging around). I do feel a certain peace about it all, I have to admit that is a nice place to be for today. I am a little tired though That was an emotional couple of weeks for me and I'm just now processing it all.
Thank you again for all of your prayers I can't tell you how much this journal and your prayers really help us...
I hope Abi will be able to return to school on Tuesday she misses it alot. But for now one day is all I can do so thats where I will be. I am constantly surprised by the strength God gives me I didn't know how I would get through yet another surgery but as always He lifted me up and carried me and He let me know inside that it would be okay.
Have a Good day I hope each one of you knows the wonderful things God can do.......LY Tracie

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 1:09 PM CST

Thank you for all your great e-mails...I have no idea how I lasted so long in the hospital before because this is day two and I'm going crazy!!! Abi is doing well last night was pretty painfree , I am almost wishing we leave today they just took the white hat off pretty bloody but it looks like no hair was taken so thats good..alot of stiches but they are clear so not real visible. We are going to have her medicine rinsed off in just a minute. Dr. Wical said the key will be to see what the next couple of days at home show us...I always love that part..
Just talked to my Mom she said she made the girls valentine shaped sandwiches , boy oh boy star treatment there I guess..Well thats all I have now so I better get going..Thanks again for being there....LY Tracie and Abi

Monday, February 13, 2006 5:22 PM CST

Abi did great the surgery is done...They did find a blockage in the tube that entered inside her head, it was blocked with tissue. He feels she may run into this problem alot and we may
need to consider a differant area for her shunt placement. He is also very concerened about her spinal cord and plans to keep a close eye on it. Right now she has asked me in grunting noises to leave the room so I did, Her stiches are very uncomfortable and she is in some pain, I must say the care here is wonderful I really couldn't be happier so far with that. I will be staying with her tonight and depending on the
night and day tomorrow we will see when we get to go home.

Matti said her valentine party at school was alot of fun, It made me so sad to miss it..I hope we get home soon for her because I know this really hurts her when we are gone, she was crying all this morning in her sleep...Thank you for all your prayers and concern ...pray for Abi to heal..Thanks LY Tracie and Family

Sunday, February 12, 2006 3:25 PM CST

Here we are again the day before surgery, I must say I want this to be done...It just makes for a very long week when you have this hanging over you. So tomorrow we arrive at 11:15 and they are going to run an hour of antibiotics in her IV and then we will get ready for surgery it will probably start at 1:00 and last about an hour and a half. I know so many of you will be praying for us Thank you so much.....

I've heard a song several times and it just really hit home with me :Carrie Underwood..Jesus, take the wheel
Its about a Mom who is having a tough time and finally she throws up her arms and says : Jesus take the wheel Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own I'm letting go.
Thats how I feel about tomorrow I'm going to trust it all to God and whatever the outcome thats it, I've been saying I pray the shunts bad because its the easier answer (it almost seems too easy of a solution), so instead of praying for the outcome I'm just giving the wheel to God...Keep praying and know it really helps..Thank you for checking in I will write from Gillette...LY Tracie

"But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."

I am so scared though..so tonight I will pray for strength

Thursday, February 9, 2006 9:21 PM CST

How can I say this and still seem positive???? I have had a TERRIBLE week...I mean it...I called my Mom crying today because for a moment I could not have my life anymore I needed to be rescued!!! And of course my Mom was here..Abi was very dizzy with head pain and Matti was in her 22nd timeout and Kaydee took her plate of lunch and threw it against the wall ..WOW...I ended up leaving for a couple hours and came back ready to face it all again..I just think I have way to many eggs in the frying pan all at once and I'm trying to flip them all and save the yolk at the same time and ya know what today I just couldn't do it...tomorrow I'll hop in there and try again..I think once this surgery is over that will help alot because it is just there in the back of my mind all the time...Paul did bring me flowers and His Mom sent over dinner, see going completely nuts does have its perks.
Tomorrow we have Abi's pre-op physical once again, hopefully we will pass and move forward..
Dear God grant me the energy and the strength to do what needs to be done in my life right now...Thanks...Goodnight I must get upstairs I think Kaydee is probably beating up my Mom..LY Tracie

Wednesday, February 8, 2006 7:33 AM CST

after I decided Abi needed an antibiotic...Cause I'm a non licenced Doctor ya know...I called Dr. B and asked he called back later and said it would probably be a good idea!!What would we do without him....
The surgery has been scheduled for Monday, they wanted to get her in Friday but the OR schedule was full..so we wait!!!
The bad thing is I will miss Matti's school valentine party..My Mom will go and I promised Matti to attend all the other ones.
I just kind of feel like life is on hold until we get this over with...At least I have sometime to get ready , I've learned the hard way that even though you don't plan on being gone long you have to act as if you will be just in case..
Take care everyone and Today dance like no'one is watching....LY Tracie

Monday, February 6, 2006 10:13 PM CST

It was a relief to not have the surgery, just for the fact that we didn't have to go through it today..But the downfall about that is it will be Friday (probably, I find out tomorrow) Abi isn't looking very good she isn't really that comfortable, night time has to be the worst. I just want to get her over this cold so we can get this surgery over with and find out some answers....The problem I'm facing is how to get three girls feeling better, oh my word talk about a long day. I ended up sending Matti because she is feeling better and If she was at school at least I would just have two.
Kaydee is pretty bad I'm kind of concerned about her cough I will probably be taking her back to the clinic Wed.
Paul and I are trying to hold it all together at least we love each other enough so we can take it out on each other...The other night I ate so many Baked chips if you would of put me in water I would of floated like a log...Hello Tracie food is not the answer, Its alot better then my days of nachos and ice cream!!I'm getting better its the stress thats getting worse...

Paul and I were laying in bed last night and we were just speechless because I think we had to both be thinking "How did we get here"? Abi spent the whole weekend telling us how scared she was about surgery the sad thing is we are probably more scared..I didn't know how to make her feel better, I just kept saying I know but we have to keep our thoughts on what we want you to feel like...In my mind I tend to guess if we will ever get there? Not that I don't trust God ,but maybe the plan is this???

So the countdown continues and once again we will be at the day before...I can't tell you how much all the support and prayers have helped,you have no idea until you are in this position...Pray that we can keep it together until Friday and pray I don't run out of lysol so I can keep killing germs...Thanks for being there for me....LY Tracie

Dear God,
Okay I guess today wasn't good for you so we have to change the surgery date. I'm not complaining but give me a break here will ya?? I will make you a deal I'll trust you if you stop giving me so much stuff to trust you with..Think about it and get back to me..Tracie

Monday, February 6, 2006 9:04 AM CST

Surgery cancelled until probably Friday because Abi is sick!!!Too many extra risks to do it today..So we wait...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Monday, February 6, 2006 7:57 AM CST

Abi will be in surgery around 2:00 at Gillette today....I decided not to control the situation but instead I have asked God to do that. Thank you for your constant prayers and hugs...If you could pray for her today we would really appreciate it..........Thanks Tracie and Family

"Be still, and know that I am God!"----Psalm 46:10

Thursday, February 2, 2006 10:04 PM CST

Abi seems to be handling her upcoming surgery better then we are. She is so strong the only thing that really upset her was how they would be putting her to sleep, I promised her they would use medication in her IV first instead of the mask right away. Hopefully she will not lose any hair the nurse said He always tries to keep it.
I just feel sick about it but I Must really trust God or I will just lose it. It is almost like you have to stay numb to it all until its over because if I didn't I don't think I'd be able to go through with it.

Matti seems to be getting over her bad cold but now Kaydee has been running a 102 fever, she of course is crying about her ears again..for gosh sakes when trouble walks in the door does it always have to bring friends!!!AHHHHHH
Our plan is to go to funfest tomorrow Abi is so excited about it since she was in the hospital last year and missed it...

I think I've lost my zest to type right now there is just so much going on inside I'm trying to keep it all organized...It will be our first surgery and hospital stay at Gillette so we will see what its like compared to Childrens.

Weight watchers went well Wed. I lost 3 more pounds so now my total lost is 7.2 Yea I am starting to feel better now that I'm taking better care of myself

Dear God,
Hi yes it's that time again they say we have to go through with another operation this being #6.
I just want to make sure that you can make it Monday because I'm really going to need you to show up, I don't ask that you stay with Paul and I ,Go ahead and please just hold Abi, make sure they don't do anything wrong that might harm her. Make them know how very much we need her, Let Abi feel your strength instead of fear. I know all that is alot but if anyone can deliver you can. Its not that we don't trust in you but Paul and I feel scared. Please help us to be strong for her, help us to pull it together to step up and do whats best. I know there are other children who are going in for surgeries on that same day please be with them too. Thank you please let me know if there is anything I can help you out with...See you Monday...Don't be late!!!!!!!
Love Tracie
P.S.- some of my prayers haven't been answered yet, am I talking loud enough when I pray or should I take it as a No since I haven't heard anything??

Wednesday, February 1, 2006 11:08 AM CST

Found out that Abi will be having surgery on Monday at Gillette. They are going to examine her shunt then possibly replace it. I hope the shunt is malfunctioning and that is the cause of all this, if its not we have a whole mess of problems to deal with!!!!Pray for strength for Abi and our family...Thank you Tracie

Wednesday, February 1, 2006 7:08 AM CST

Today is the day..The day we find out what our next step will be. I woke up early and lit my candle to remind me God is here....I will be calling Dr. Partingtons office this morning..Please pray that we are able to handle what we hear..

Matti's bloodwork came back really well, bad news is she really has a bad cold with a little temp. hopefully that will not be bringing us into the hospital with her.

Enjoy the white gift God brought us last night...LY Tracie

Monday, January 30, 2006 6:37 PM CST

Haven't really felt like sharing lately, Lots going on. We wait until Wed. to find out for sure but it looks like Abi will be going in for surgery soon. She doesn't know because we are waiting until we know for sure, I don't think she is going to take it very well this time because she's older and wiser. Heck I don't think I'm going to handle it well this time!!!Paul either..It just gets OLD.....I keep praying for added strength and understanding over and over..I know it will come but its still hard to deal with the thought of it all its really heartbreaking. I'm just feeling a little defeated.
But I still have my eyes on the prize and I have to finish the race....Goodnight for now LY TRacie

Saturday, January 28, 2006 2:26 PM CST

All we do now is wait..There hasn't been any big changes like I expected so we will see what the days ahead bring..Thanks for checking in....LY Tracie

Friday, January 27, 2006 7:41 AM CST

Finally talked with the Neuro-surg He told me a lot of stuff, Abi's brain stem and cerebellum are slipping down again and of course she is having swelling in her spinal cord. First step he wants one more shot at is turning down her shunt way down ..We are set at 120 now we will be going to 60. I have to say I'm a little nervous about that because when we went down to 110, it was a mess granted that was along time ago...we will see , we are going there this morning.
I boo-hoo'd myself to sleep last night I'm just so overwhelmed and I can't seem to shake it. I know things could be worse in my life but for some reason it seems like lots of stuff is off...I kept talking to God last night to give me strength and help me to trust , I must have repeated that a hundred times.
I do feel a little stronger today but not up to par..........
Better get going pray that God is with Abi today and he keeps her tight in His arms...LY Thanks for being here........Tracie

Thursday, January 26, 2006 8:25 AM CST

It just about killed me putting Abi on the bus, she did not feel good at all but wanted to go so it took everything in me to let her leave..I'm so sick of this ..why can't she be well???Today Dr. Partington is calling since I missed his call yesterday . I am going to ask Him What do we need to do to get her well??? Everynight she cries herself to sleep and then add pain on and off with that ...It really is enough!!!

Taking Matti yesterday was fun as usual..our appt was at 10:45 and at 11:00 they informed us the Dr. was running late. Big surprise, So I told them we were going to lunch and that we would be back when we were done!!! I think they knew I meant business because they gave me a free parking pass and Matti 5 toys...The appt was informative they reminded me of a couple things..Matti has to have only 30 grams of fat a day..I asked them why and she replied Her body does not break it down so we dont have enough data to know what will happen later in life to her organs. Hearing that was scary to me because I let her eat this and that sometimes but now my eyes are open a little wider to the fact that she just can't. It did make me sad and a little overwhelmed for the future.
She of course did have to have bloodwork so that was a major battle but we got through it..

I just feel so overwhelmed right now , But I am reminded that God is my strength and I can continue to fight all these battles.....

I really enjoyed my weight watchers meeting last night and I lost 4 pounds, YEA!! Maybe next week I will get my 5 pound ribbon..ha ha

I will fill you in on my conversation with Dr. Partington as soon as I know...Thanks for checking in..LY Tracie

Wednesday, January 25, 2006 7:01 AM CST

Today is Wednesday the BIG day!! Unsure why but we were suppose to talk with the Neuro-surg to see how Abi is doing since her shunt was turned down..Well a couple days good but last night was rough for her she was very off and had bad shoulder arm pain, her neck won't even let her look up at all and besides that she is very emotional and cried for several hours...so besides that she's great!!!So figure out what to do and DO IT ALREADY....As you have probably learned I'm not a lets sit and wait person...I'm better but when I know there is a problem I want it fixed...Okay now I'm sounding like the girl who turns into a blueberry on Willy Wonka..

Matti goes to DR. Berry today(Her medabolic DR.) who we see every six months..The appt. always takes about three hours and I never know why? hopefully it won't today, I just pray that we don't have to do bloodwork!

Sorry If I'm sounding kind of extreme today I just want Abi better and for this nightmare to be over some days I handle it better than others.

Tonight is my first weigh in at weight watchers I will let you know (I probably gained 10 pounds) ha ha ..

Have a Gods Blessings kind of day..I think I will have a bad day until 8:00 then I will perk it right up...LY Tracie

Tuesday, January 24, 2006 6:53 AM CST

Yesterday Abi did go to school, and she did okay. Me of course I was a freak and jumped everytime the phone rang. The teacher was great about keeping in touch with me so that helped.
Yesterday I got some calls about the results from her scans it was from Jill(Our old Neuro-surg Nurse) and Dr. B, They called because they thought I had probably already heard the news, which I hadn't...Abi does not have a syrnix but swelling of her spinal cord..from what I can tell that seems a little more serious, Hopefully I will find out more today.
God I pray that you guide the Doctors and show them what to do PLEASE don't make us have to decide I don't want to be the one with a choice ..Help the right thing to be done.God Give us all strength it has been such a long road......Thanks Tracie

Sunday, January 22, 2006 2:17 PM CST

Not to complain but I'm tired this week was a long one.........Abi was very strong and brave on Friday, going out to Childrens west wasn't bad after all because it went so much smoother they really have the time to take good care of you there.She was under for almost two hours because they kept adding tests they used contrast and did a couple other ones, not sure why and I don't know if thats good or bad. We had to go to Gillette afterwards of course I got lost and called Pauls' work and a co-worker Terry(Thank you so much) guided me. We had to have her shunt turned down I got to meet Dr. Partingtons Nurse practitioner , she was nice...Couldn't really tell me much even though I tried to get something out of her, they always act like they don't know but for some reason I felt like she did...She did say that the DR. learned something about the syrnix???Who knows what that means...So Now (say it with me) We Wait.......

Abi had kinda a bad day Sat. but today seems to be going well, she was able to go to church ...So now I'm back at can she make it to school? Maybe I will try tomorrow...wait and see how the rest of today goes.

Matti is loving pre-school except for the fact that a couple little girls keep telling her she can't play with them or come to thier house...or thier birthday parties or weddings..who knows..I told her just to punch'em,just kidding......

Lola is doing great after her operation, she has the cutest pink stiches they really go with her pink diamond collar.
It's funny I really missed her the day she was gone, she is already such a big part of our family..

Kaydee is fine she now is trying to take over Matti's bed she creeps in there in the middle of the night and then kicks matti to try and get her out. So of course I have to come set everyone back to where they should be..That kids gonna owe me BIG!!!!!!!!!!

I remember Nichole and I always dreaded Mondays when we were in the hospital because they were always overwhelming, the chance of crying on Monday was about 99 percent it still seems like that now I hate to say it but Monday is the worst..
You always feel like a candy bar at a weight watchers meeting..But I will as usual pull up my knee-highs and face it with a smile and the confidence that God gives me ..Maybe He will even give me a little extra courage..He's good like that.
Take care and thank you for checking in your prayers are sooo appreciated....Thought for the day: Life may throw punches at you, but try to outrun a few and it will be less bruising. Love ya Tracie

Thursday, January 19, 2006 6:54 AM CST

Not too much to say today(hard to believe I know).
Getting ready to take Lola in this morning for her BIG FIX..The vet decided we could have a short payout plan so we are going in. Matti held on to her all night I know she is worried about it, Last time I took an animal in I didn't bring her back and I know she can't let go of that.

Abi had a pretty good day yesterday we were able to take care of some things.She doesn't seem to be too scared about Friday , we will see sounds like alot of car time...our scans are in Hopkins (CHildrens west) then we drive back to St. Paul Gillette and have her shunt turned down then not sure if they will look at films or not.

Kaydee woke up this morning because she wet the bed after I cleaned her up and got her back to bed she asked me if I would like to hear some songs? I said NO go to sleep and then she started singing...don't get me wrong I love Veggie tales BUT not at 5:30...after about 10 of the same verses she finally feel back asleep , and of course I couldn't....

I decided to go to weight watchers and start taking care of myself..because I believe the old saying", If Momma's not happy nobody is happy".I will keep you informed on that, I guess I've been eating out of emotions (ya think) Nachos and ice cream at night probably isn't the best thing for a girls figure..oh well live and learn.....

Well here I said I didn't have much to say and blah blah blah...
I think I will turn over the steering wheel to God for the next couple of days, He is such a good driver and I tend to run into fences..TRUST TRUST TRUST...Thanks for checking in.....Tracie

Wednesday, January 18, 2006 6:47 AM CST

Anytime I've lost hope or have felt defeated even though it is usually only for a day, God steps in and its as if He's telling me hold on I'm here....

Yesterday I must admit I was feeling like I had lost the race. Sitting here looking at Abi not doing very well and knowing nothing was being done right away is a hard thing to do. I had called DR.B and then DR. Wical because how could I be expected to wait until Feb 16th before she could even get in for her scans..I ended up calling a few friends just because I knew I needed to get away from the situation for a little while.
It always helps to go laugh a little and get hugs and support from my friends.

When I returned home Paul said he had been trying to call me, They moved her scans to this Friday!! Because she is not doing well so they changed it.WOW I couldn't believe it, That made me know how once again God works in our lives..I made some calls did all I could do and God stepped in and finished the deal..Why do I even bother to feel defeated when I know Gods on my team, He is here for Me and Abi and all of us......
I'm in a much better place today ..I am thankful for that too...

Tomorrow Lola goes under the knife, I take her in around 8 and then we pick her up on Friday or Sat. say a little prayer for her too if you don't mind.Also Nichole is sick with the flu, she is in bad shape say a little get well prayer for her...

Take care and know God is with you, I always light a candle in the morning because it reminds me God is the light and He will be with me through the day....Thanks for listening....Tracie

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 7:33 AM CST

I have decided to keep Abi home today...She is dizzy and has arm pain alot and then add the neck and crying all the time I don't think there is much to think about.Bedtime has been the worst because as she puts it "my head can't get comfortable".

I'm not sure why but the days are so long , I think because we are waiting. I called yesterday to see if we had a day and time for our MRI and cat scans but she said she'll call you...Okay I'll just sit by the phone and wait for you to call so I can get on with the rest of my life...Anyway

Dear God I ask that you calm my spirit help me to wait and let go,Help me to know that your loving arms are wrapped around Abi and she will not be in harms way, Help us to know your love and strength as we Wait.....

"Everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."-Matthew7:8

I pray for all of you today may God open the door for you...Love ya Tracie

Sunday, January 15, 2006 10:06 PM CST

I wish someone out there could tell us what to do....
Abi was not feeling good this morning and wasn't able to go to Sunday school , so Paul stayed with her. On and off this weekend she has had arm pain and she is crying alot, Her neck will really not give her much relief at all. As a Mother I look at her face and it just looks shallow and empty she just does not look good to me, How can I make a decision to send her to school or not? Everything in me says No but other people say try it...I'm so not sure I just don't see her making it for a day of school she seems so frail..
I'm finding it really hard to wait on things this time because I just see her not doing well, at least when she is in pain we can give her medicine but with how she is right now I'm not sure what to give her. How much ice cream can onw Mother eat because I'm worried..I will just pray for God to guide me and show me whats best for Abi.
Can I just say I'm so sick of this being my purpose my reason I'm here, I want us to move on go forward, I always feel we are on an elevator thats stuck we go down then up then down but we never get to the floor that we pushed the button for.
I'm not saying I won't take whatever comes I will of course but it would be so nice to be in the solution instead of always the problem...I guess I feel angry...I think I will say goodnight and pray about all this..I know God brings a new day and there is no end to His Greatness , I just want Abi to have a better life ..so I need to keep the focus on the prize not how hard the race is....LY Tracie

Thursday, January 12, 2006 6:42 PM CST

I must say Dr. Partington is as far an opposite of Dr. Nagib that you could get. I ended up bringing all of Abis films and reports so the first hour we just sat and waited so he could look everything over.Paul was able to be there he took his lunch early so that was good.He started off by letting us know he didn't want to rush into surgery if we didn't have to and she has had a couple good days. He also needs more films Cat scans and full spine MRI's because he doesn't know how long the syrnix continues down the spine. So that is our first step, second The shunt setting will be turned down then if things stay the same or get worse he will go in and explore the shunt to make sure its working properly. In the mean time he has to review all the films and get the new ones and then decide if there is a problem in the area of her decompressions. He seemed very concerned and wondered why no'one else was,that she has very little range of motion in her neck. He is also going to take a look at the space where her vertebra were removed and see whats going on there.
Lots of information I know but I do feel like I can have a little time to take care of some things I was glad not to go into an operation I'm glad he wants to check everything out first. We will do the scans next week and the the shunt will be turned down and who knows after that...sounds like a party to me!!!
Thank you for your prayers today it really helped, you guys are great. We had another great dinner dropped off today you guys should try this sick child stuff it really has its perks!!That was a bad joke..remember I've had no sleep since Friday.
I might try sending Abi to school Monday depending on how the weekend goes. I'm still nervous she kind of checks in and out sometimes its hard to explain but it has to be a pressure problem...Not sure...
Well thats enough for now Thank you again, couldn't do it without ya...
Abi said today that she's been thinking about what Her gift is that God wants her to use, I think its to make people smile , I'm going to draw lots and lots of happy faces..

Goodnight-Tracie

Wednesday, January 11, 2006 10:01 PM CST

Abi was crying a little before bed tonight, when asked what was wrong she said she was scared about tomorrow. Paul and I told her we were scared too. I told Abi life can be like a race ,It can be a struggle and you may get tired but sometimes it helps to keep your eye on the prize..Just like tomorrow He may say somethings that are scary and we may not want to do them BUT the prize is your life back a chance to stay in school be in girlscouts go do lots of things that you can't because of pain!! You don't want to hurt your whole life, thats something Daddy and I could never let happen.Not so sure she was able to get all that but ya know what it really helped me.
Dear God be with us tomorrow help us to take it all in and depend on your strength.Help us to do whats right for Abi so she can have the life you intended her to have.Help us not to be taken over by fear but instead give us courage.God we ask that you keep us focused on the prize......Goodnight..LY..Tracie

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 9:18 PM CST

Well here I am again letting out all my thoughts of the day...The morning started pretty bad I must say I could tell when Abi woke up she wasn't on the feeling good side of the fence. To make a long story short she ended up in her bed shaking and I got scared and called Dr. Wical she said to bring her in so I did, Abi just looked so droopy almost like she had the flu for days, Her feeling good comes and goes her Dr. seems to think its pressure related. I found out today her syrnix is not low its up by the brain and Dr. Wical showed me how big it was by drawing it on paper. She said she would check her into the hospital and it was my call of course I picked home with the promise I would be back if needed, She said Dr. Partington sure has alot of stuff to cover with us and thats why He scheduled an hour and a half instead of 15 minutes, It just really scares me how all of this will be fixed and hopefully it was caught in time, there I go looking ahead..I really can't mentally do that I will go nuts before Thursday.
I've been spending more time with the girls watching movies doing crafts playing..Its as if I'm taking all of this in because pretty soon I know it will be differant, Is it bad to feel like I don't know if we can all handle this again?? Maybe we are all stronger now and we will handle it better? All I know is I think about her having another operation and I feel like I can't catch my breath. I keep replaying details from past operations and I really don't know how to go through it again but I know its coming . I"m not praying too much for me I just want this Dr. to be the one ...the one to give her a life back , I'm really not sure what we have been doing this whole time and were there errors made I don't know all I know is we have got to get it right this time!!! I have been reading everything I can get my hands on so when we go into that meeting I will know every area every word that he is talking about!Thats where the no sleep comes in..I told Abi tonight that I'm scared She didn't ask why because she knows..I felt like its okay to be strong for her and to be real for her...Thank you for your prayers and your words of hope...Tracie

Monday, January 9, 2006 9:48 PM CST

Today was spent on the phone trying to figure out what the heck is going on...I spoke with Dr. Partingtons sec. and we are scheduled to see him Thursday at 9,She wanted all the films and records no problem...oh my does she know the kind of films this child has had? The radiology dept. was going to call them back because they said I would need a truck to carry them there.
Dr. Wical wasn't too happy with waiting until Thursday so she wanted to speak with him once out of surgery and she was going to call me back..When she did she said well He wants her to take that medication that made her feel so bad but a lower dose,I guess its important because from what I've read it slows down the production of spinal fluid..We are still scheduled for Thursday I said I guess it can't be that serious , and she said No I think its serious but thats Neurosurgery.
I ended up giving Abi the medication at 2:00 by 2:30 she was laying down with headpain and crying..I thought I knew it its the medication and as time went by she was miserable.I called Wical and she said stop the med and asked if I was still comfortable with her at home or did I feel she needed to be in the hospital, I told her we were fine for now..I must say I'm a little nervous..Its differant when you think theres a problem and now I know theres a problem...
So now we WAIT .

On a lighter note Matti went back to preschool she was ready and was a little nervous but after working with Mrs. Gabitino she was ready to return...I'm so glad ,she said she had fun . My Mom was nice to take her and pick her up because I had the phone to my ear all morning.
Kaydee is doing fine except for the high pitched noise that continues to come out of her mouth ..I think its a scream not sure..she also walks around singing "We are family" and some Brittany spears song....
Lola is doing alright still chewing on everything she can find, I would hate to have an xray done it would show polly pocket shoes, barbie hands and princess magic wands..sounds healthy to me..
As for Paul and I we are hanging in there, we are scared but using our faith to get us through, not sleeping real well but we are just taking it all in a little at a time. We are not going to assume anything until we hear what we need to do on Thursday. We will do whatever we need to , to get Abi the help she needs...Keep your prayers coming and thank you for all your support..glad your there..LY Tracie

Sunday, January 8, 2006 4:05 PM CST

The medication they told us to give Abi right away really made her sick Fri. and Sat. so I told Paul not to give it to her today because she has been so miserable. She has been better today without it still having major dizzy spells and mild headaches. I will call the Neuro-surgeon Monday first thing and see what he has planned. I've figured out that there has to be some major blockage in order to cause such a large syrnix( Large collection of spinal fluid) Because if her spinal fluid was flowing properly she wouldn't have it...I'm afraid it is going to be the area she has had two operations on already. How many times can they go into the back of your skull without causing more damage then we already have? What part does the shunt play in all this?I guess I will find out tomorrow....Right now I'm just praying alot and trying to not think too much ahead and to stay in each minute..I feel so tired and worn down though its really hard to sleep because of course when its quite at night thats my worst time...I know I will rise up to the challange it just takes me a little time to swallow it all.
I read today something I liked....In prayer, I release any feelings about the way things appear to be or should be and release the outcome to God..
Thats what I have to do but I'm human and it takes a little while....Love ya Thanks for the kind e-mails...Tracie

Friday, January 6, 2006 8:12 PM CST

I'm having a hard time right now I must say. When Dr. Wical called and asked if I had heard anything yet I knew it was bad, But I felt it so strong today when she was having her scan I knew they would find something. Dr. Wical said she has a large build up of spinal fluid located in the middle of her spine, why is it there unclear so far. She made it very clear that ir can cause alot of symtoms and we should watch her very close and if we need to get her to Gilette and they will put her in the hospital. I just got back from getting her some medication its for water retention and seziure control not sure why we have to have her take that right away but we did.
I almost stopped at the church on the way home to cry but I'm not sure if I would stop.
I did pray for answers but when you hear news like this it really makes your heart stop. Paul and I are not talking right now because we don't really know what to say....We will see the new nuero-surg Monday or Tuesday and find out what is going on more in detail.I know all of you have said how strong my faith is but I must say I'm scared really scared.Please God help us through the weekend and watch over Abi and keep her safe,Give us all strength. Love Tracie

Friday, January 6, 2006 5:29 PM CST

Well its done we made it through now we wait!!!
Abi started out pretty bad felt sick all morning and was pretty dizzy and shakey. They wanted to try not putting her to sleep I suggested them to , but okay its your call..5 minutes into it they have to stop because she was freaking out and couldn't take it.They put an IV in ( Abi screaming the whole time) but once they did that and put the medicine in she was fine. I hate that feeling of forcing her to do stuff like that it really hurts my heart. After she was in recovery we had to go all the way across the street in a wheel chair to have Jill fix her shunt setting because the MRI changed it, we waited 2 hours for that but then we were finally done...Got home around 4:00 and a friend of ours had dropped off a pizza and a movie for the girls what a lifesaver that was....Now we wait until Monday and I have to try and figure out what to do about school...Thank you for your prayers I felt them today...Love Tracie

We just recieved a call from Dr. Wical and she said they found a large build up of spinal fluid in the middle of her spinal cord. A syrnix we are going to get meds for her tonight and we have to watch her this weekend and if she gets bad we check her in to the hospital if shes okay we are seeing the neuro-surg Next week..I'm super sad right now and scared....

Thursday, January 5, 2006 9:47 PM CST

Thank you for all your e-mails, Its nice to know you are out there...I sit here tonight wondering what to pray for I want the scans to show something to help Abi get better but on the other hand I don't want them to show anything. The night before is always the hardest as a parent about to go through this because it makes you so sick inside. I finally got a hold of Dr. Wicals Nurse today because I wanted them to add a MRV (It checks for blood flow and you can see clots) Dr. Wical said with her new symptoms she thought that would be very wise to do so she ordered it. The plan is to put her to sleep with IV medications, I hope they do because her comfort level hasn't been that great..I know they don't like to do it because of the risks but it just seems to be the thing to do since it will take over an hour for the first test not sure about the others.
I talked with Nichole tonight and we compared notes of frustration,The worst part of all this for both families is we don't know how to get them well!! we know how to get them by but we can't fix them and that is so hard to deal with I can't even explain it, I look at pictures of Abi before last Christmas and it breaks my heart to see where we are now....
Tonight sure I will cry but I will take comfort in knowing God never makes me go through anything alone ,I will put on my boots and trust in God to be there I can't just believe in God when things go well , because this is when I really need to close my eyes and fall back and know He will be there to catch me....He has never let me fall yet....

Take care and we really appreciate your prayers......Thanks
Tracie and Family

Thursday, January 5, 2006 8:03 AM CST

Almost had to go into the ER last night, its hard to explain but Abi had some bad pain in the back of her head not her neck her head at the base of the skull. Then she began twitching and couldn't control it, that was the scary part because we haven't seen that before. I called the Neurologist on call and after taliking a while they wanted us to go to Childrens because it sounds like a Neuro-surg problem, but that would mean Dr. Nagib because we haven't seen Dr. Partington yet, its so confusing the politics in all that. Anyway I told her I might just wait it out because we have tests Friday , her comment was we will note that we wanted you to go to the ER.
She started to feel better later but I just couldn't force myself to put us both through an ER visit. She slept good during the night of course I didn't and I was up alot checking her to make sure things were okay. I know I will hear from Dr. Wical today.

Well last night Lola threw up again, we thought we were out of the woods with her deal and now we are back..hopefully it will not continue. The Dr. said we would have to bring her back for x-rays if she kept feeling bad...Why would we,our family assume we got a healthy dog..what a joke...

Anyway I'm fine really we are hanging in there, at least yesterday we got to play with the easy-bake oven I love that thing , bad news is I can't bake using that either..ha ha and all you do is add 1 tsp of water talk about tough directions....Abi and Matti love it..

Have a good day , make a deal with you I will pray for you if you pray for us........Please write on the page I could use some e-mails..Thanks Tracie

Wednesday, January 4, 2006 8:27 AM CST

Good morning..sorry about my entry yesterday just was feeling a little down..
We saw Dr. B for a pre-op yesterday before her tests on Fri. He spent alot of time with us we really couldn't pray for a better Dr., He really feels that Dr. Parrtington our new N. Surg. will have alot to add I kinda hope so because I do feel like we are going back into some patterns that I don't want to revisit.We go see Him Jan 26th..
All three of the girls were up last night for some reason..So this coffee is tasting pretty good. Lola did end up having to go to the vet yesterday, He gave her some special food and did some stuff but said she will be fine..Thank goodness.....
I read that God is like the sun , even if we can't see it behind the clouds it still shines bright for us ..Just like Gods love, We can't see that but if you let it into your heart boy can you feel it.....
I think I'm out of my slump now, I just really want these tests over once that happens I will not be so overwhelmed by every little thing....Take care know that we think of you and pray for you guys too......love ya Tracie

Monday, January 2, 2006 7:06 PM CST

Well a new year ,no pressure......This year I really had to come to terms with the fact that things are the same and our issues are not going away any time soon, not being a downer just being real..Abi has some upcoming tests on Friday and I'm kind of scared just because of the way she has been acting,I've never thought they might find something but I have this feeling this time they might, she gets this pressure in her head it doesn't last very long but oh my gosh it's intense, then her left arm going numb and her dumb neck that thing has caused her nothing but problems lately, I'm wondering if her life at school will be the same. I took her out of girl scouts because I want her to be at school thats my first focus..I will pray about it and know that Gods here with me holding my hand...

I've been so overwhelmed with stuff...Lola has been a little sick now and then so because of what happened to Lizzie I always think she's gonna die!!I know kind of extreme..The vet said we have to hurry and get her fixed because she is now 8 months old, but at a price tag of 700.00. Of course my guilt comes in about how could you get a dog if you can't afford medical care!!! I really got her to bring Abi and all of us some joy and she has really done that. If anyone knows of anywhere cheaper (alot cheaper ) let me know...
I really don't think it pays to beat yourself up about things you've done or choices made..Peace must come when we know we are all playing the game the best we know how, I have to tell myself that everyday and thank goodness it helps when I ask God to help me find answers and help me Wait for them. Not sure why people watch the amazing race on tv because we all live that don't we? We run around from place to place jumping in and out of our cars we meet up with conflict sometimes things go our way most of the time they don't then and at the end of the day we make it home cook clean look at bills we can't pay watch TV ABOUT THE WAR AND THEN WE GO TO BED AND START ALL OVER.. and we are suppose to have good dreams on top of all that..But all we want is to make it to the finish line and win the big prize!!!!I was a little down on new years because I kept thinking of another year like the one before I don't want that I can't do it..not again..and its funny how God sneaks in I can be crying and feeling so lost and then in the morning I have a new strength and hope that I felt like I lost ..Thats God..sometimes I don't even have to ask He's just there...I pray He is there for you too when you need him...lots of love Tracie.........

Friday, December 30, 2005 1:27 PM CST

HAPPY NEW YEAR.........Taking a couple days off...Love ya all Tracie

Thursday, December 29, 2005 7:46 AM CST

The trip to the eye specialist was very long, of course because its at the U..She was wearing glasses to correct her eyes from turning in but now her eyes are going out and so we need a differant perscription one not so strong...We were waiting so long Abi had really bad neck pain aso she was crying I was looking through my purse for medicine finally found tylenol, that will teach me to leave home without my valium....Abi was up all night just doing kind of wierd stuff she keeps saying she doesn't feel good and then she will cry or get angry or whatever...not sure if she is having problems coming off her med or not...For today I will breath in and out.....
Well must get my day started ...No matter what we are faced with today GOD IS BIGGER!!!!!!love ya Tracie

Tuesday, December 27, 2005 6:52 PM CST

It has been one of those short fuse days..The twins (Matti & Kaydee they aren't really twins but are equal in troublemaking,) Anyway they drove me crazy everything was a struggle from the first second they opened up those cute little eyes. So I have escaped to the basement and Paul is up there taking them on...I hope He makes it out alive...
Abi went over to her grandparents house to play with her cousin and then they went to see Cinderella, They had a nice time Abi didn't feel to hot afterwards and had to come home.
As far as the medicine battle with Kaydee I have officially lost!!I tried and now I must say she wins..A crazy three year old has beaten me.....
Matti has her phycologist appt. tomorrow then Abi has her eye specialist appt. I will be interested in knowing if the glasses have changed anything? We will see think positive..

I was walking Lola tonight and I was thinking how life is like this walk...Pretty Christmas lights twinkle in whats left of the snow and then you step in a big pile of what had to be German sheppard poop..Now I could of got mad given up right there and then but no when faced with crap you must wipe it off lift up your head and keep walking will you see other pretty things to look at? sure,will you hit another pile of poop ? probably, but its what you do about the bad stuff on your shoe that makes you strong and a true winner of the walk we call LIFE!!!!AMEN.....OH MY GOSH IF i DIDN,T THINK I WAS CRAZY THIS CONFIRMS IT...GOD BLESS LOVE YA ....TRACIE

Monday, December 26, 2005 4:23 PM CST

Well Christmas is over but the joy of it all still remains....
We had a great Christmas this year we really did...Yes Abi is still having issues right now but we really were together as a family. Today has been nice just hanging out cleaning up a little , I already took down the tree because our living room is just too small for all that for too long.I really enjoyed it this year there was such a spirit in the air..No operations coming up,no animals being put to sleep just a good experience....That sounds a little wierd but true. When we went to church on Christmas Eve one of the best moments was when I looked over and my Grandma and Abi were holding a candle together during silent night, How great of a memory will that be something I will never forget...
I hope all of you were able to breath in all the wonders of Christmas and enjoy your FAMILIES...May God Bless each and everyone of you in the upcoming days don't get all uptight about new year this and that ..This year love yourself and others around you..How easy is that and how much of a differance we all would make......Love ya all Tracie

Saturday, December 24, 2005 8:08 AM CST

Merry Christmas to all of you .......

This year I'm going to take it all in , not worry about this and that I'm just going to enjoy myself and my family.
Abi isn't doing too great she is very tired and doesn't feeling that well, when talking to Dr. Wical again yesterday she said to drop the medicine down again..so we will see....
The girls are very much in the Christmas mood, this seems like our second Christmas we were surprised Thursday night by two of Santa's favorite Postal carriers..They brought lots of toys for the girls and I can't even express how excited they were...We have been shown so many icredible things this year people who just give and give...God really works through people...Thanks be to God....
Well better get upstairs we have cookies to decorate...Then my Mom and Grandma and my Great Aunt are coming over , then off to church (I always cry at Silent night) then home for a little Christmas fun...Have a wonderful time don't focus on the things that have happened around this time lets praise the things here and yet to come...Thank you God for Christmas may it fill our hearts...Love ya Tracie

Thursday, December 22, 2005 7:19 AM CST

Abi will be home today, she was just screaming in pain last night with her head and neck. I hope we are not back in this stage of the game again especially now at Christmas..I'm not going to go there I will just take it a day at a time.
She said the pain was pretty dull and all of a sudden it was like a light switch turned on. I will probably call Dr. Wical back today , the only bad thing I just know she will want to see her..
Well it is almost here the day we work towards and dream about..I think Christmas tends to be hard for some because we all think no matter what is going on in our lives at Christmas its suppose to be better!! Instead of wishing for better events to occur maybe acceptance would be a better route, Accept Gods love for us and try not to understand so much just accept, That must be what Peace is made of..I wish all of you a bit of peace and i will take a little peace for myself.......
I'm going to the dentist today(I love those guys) and maybe I can get a two for one on the gas, now thats peace..ha ha
My Mom is coming over to wrap presents with the girls , they went to the dollar store and bought gifts for all of us..That is always so cute to see what they think to buy you..Have a Christmas tree full of lights glowing in the snow kind of day...(I know I'm corny)...Tracie

Wednesday, December 21, 2005 5:43 AM CST

Good morning, yes I'm up kinda early today too much on my mind to sleep...
I took Kaydee to the Dr. yesterday and ended up seeing Dr. B after all, she does have a really bad ear infection in one ear so we are giving a one time a day med a try, if that doesn't work SHOTS. She will get two one in each leg for three days, bad news is I will have to drive to Childrens 3 times...I asked if I could give them at home and He laughed.

Talked with Dr. Wical Yesterday about Abi, she is concerned about the recent things going on, she wanted me to make sure she didn't have a small stroke (because she already has some clots in her arteries) That may scare some parents but for some reason I did the things Dr. Wical said to check and she seemed okay. I ended up having to give her valium last night she was having alot of head and neck pain, She has been sledding on her knees at recess not sure if thats the problem or not. We are also dropping her meds again,to see if that will help her not be so foggy. We will have MRI's and some shunt x-rays on Jan 6th.

Matti has been having some pain in her bottem , Dr. B said to make sure she is not getting an UTI again.

Sorry to unload so much today but thats life. The girls are getting so excited about Christmas , when I asked Matti the other day what Christmas was all about she replied GIVING and Baby Jesus..The girls have been watching Veggie tales movies alot. How could she not think about giving after all that people have shown us. God has really blessed us ..Pator talked Sunday about having that feeling inside, the pull that is hard to describe , but you know its God because its the drive thats get you through anything..I loved that because I feel that!!!Thats where Hope comes from..I do believe better days are ahead and that is the only reason I get through a pile of stuff like all of this...love ya Tracie
Have a make a snowman kind of day!!!!!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005 8:25 AM CST

Well its almost Christmas knew I couldn't make it without going to the Dr. Kaydee was really having a hard time, she was throwing up and her ears are just killing her, so its time to go in and see what they can do since she won't take medicine.I can't see any of the Dr's we usually see so we have to see a resident( We all know how that usually goes ) I will keep an open mind.
Abi had to go to the nurse yesterday because her left arm and hand was asleep, not sure what that means if anything but I will call Dr. Wical just in case.
I have a luncheon at church today and then I will take Kaydee in at 2:30. I have to go try to find Abi a Christmas dress she is so tall and really doesn't have anything long enough. ....Love ya Tracie

Monday, December 19, 2005 8:32 AM CST

It's Monday.....Abi had a good time last night at a birthday party, she was pretty tired by the time she returned home...She also cried for about two hours over I have no idea what, hopefully that will change once we get her medication figured out. It was hard putting her on the bus today because she didn't want to go again, not sure what this is about she used to pop out of bed and couldn't wait to go. I'm sure she is fine once she gets there, but her little face waving from the bus window always gets to me.......
Today is such a good stay home day, I love being at home sometimes don't you just feel like a tiny puzzle piece out in the big world trying to find where you fit in? But the minute I walk in the door of my house that feeling goes away...Because I'm Home...
I hope all of you feel Gods love inside you today and it puts a smile on your face....Love ya ...Tracie
5 days until Christmas.....HO HO Ho

Friday, December 16, 2005 9:30 AM CST

TGIF.......
Abi had another emotional day yesterday,wow...I can barely stand it, she did go to school today and seemed to be okay.
Abi was pretty upset last night because she says all the kids at school are sledding and she can't , I know its hard for her and she sees it as being so unfair but I just tell her to focus on the things you can do...I'm getting ready to take the other two to the library because they are going stir crazy, we are going to meet Pauls parents up there.
Tonight I have a cookie exchange why on earth I thought I could bake anything ( I love to cook but there are too mnay rules in baking) I made Mexican candy and I have to say by the time I was done It was a nightmare experience. Can't be good at everything!!!!! Paul if your reading this YOU WIN!!!!!I CAN'T BAKE..are ya happy.....Ha ha Have a good day everyone ...May God bring you lots of joy today!!!Love Tracie

P.S.--The ladies at Pauls work if you could just pretend to like what I made and tell Paul all day how great it is I'd really appreciate it....Really lay it on thick..Thanks

Thursday, December 15, 2005 8:20 AM CST

Hi,
Abi is home today, not sure what the deal is she cried alot last night and wouldn't do her homework had a headache and neck pain..I just hope her shunt isn't starting to malfunction because one of the signs is behavioral. I will just hope it is medicine related.I just felt better keeping her home to watch her today. Her teacher said that her face was a little droopy and her speech a little slurred in class yesterday.
Abi did wake up and say she had a good dream it was Christmas and Santa landed on the playground at school to see her..How great is that!!!!
The other girls are doing well Matti I'm afraid might be coming down with another UTI hopefully not..Just goes to show you medical needs don't stop for the hollidays....Remember that peace I asked for God,not to rush you but will that be here anytime soon??? Love you guys have a candy-cane day.......Tracie

Wednesday, December 14, 2005 1:30 PM CST

HELLO EVERYONE....
Today has been a busy one talked with Abi's neurologist this morning we are going to try and slowly wean her off one of her med..Celexa and see if she can handle it, the reason being is her meds possibly might be clashing and its kind of making her a little Drunk at times...So i will start that tonight and see how it goes. She also wants to get an MRI and a shunt series before we go to the new neuro-surg guy Jan 26th so He can check everything out....I have to say I am so impressed with Dr. Wical she talks with me on the phone and she also really cares what I have to say..My opinion really matters with Her..I love that.
Kaydee is still sick but holding her own, not much I can do there but hold her..Matti is actually talking about how she thinks shes ready for pre-school again, Mrs. Gabitino has worked wonders with her. We will see.....
I really can't believe all this snow Lola is just loving it she goes outside and I can hardly see her..I'm getting things organized to go to a cookie exchange party Fri. Paul thinks its funny because he knows I can't bake..I can cook well just not all the flour sugar and spice stuff...thats what stores are for..and those little elves that live in that tree...Oh well wish me luck....
Hope your holliday rush stuff is done and you are able to enjoy some of the pretty lights and music...Blessings to all.....Tracie

Tuesday, December 13, 2005 6:22 AM CST

Hello,
well about 11 days until Christmas..are you ready? I'm not yet..I do love this time of year the music the lights..Paul told me he wants to get some fireworks to light this year on New Years since we weren't together last year..I had forgotten that Abi and I were in the hospital for the bringing in of 2005....Things may be kinda crazy at our house but we are still together...Thank you for that God..I remember a time when I thought please God let us be able to be at home a couple of days....
Paul and I were eating dinner and Abi just seems kind of drunk to us, Granted she isn't in alot of pain but she just seems high...I'm going to call her Dr. at Gillette and mention that she is at the full dose of her pain medication now..3 pills at am and 3 at pm...My prayer is that she will not have to spend her life medicated like this....I won't get started on that....
My last entry was a little sad I know , but my life does get that way..it is very overwhelming to me..I'm not embarresed to share that with you because I really want you to see the strength that God gives me to get through it all..I have realized that things happen alot maybe more to us than others but ya know pitty gets you just were you are and I want to continue on my path so thats where God comes in to guide me and He continues to let me know Great things are ahead KEEP GOING !!! So I do...I hope you feel that Great things are ahead too ....Have a Christmas Tree with pretty lights kind of day...love ya Tracie

Sunday, December 11, 2005 10:03 PM CST

First off you have to read what my Mom wrote in the guestbook It is pretty darn amazing.....
Today is one of the greatest days ever because my Grandmother was born 89 years ago, she has showed me so much love and care over the years I could never thank her...I remember being little and almost everynight we would sit outside on the patio and eat a bowel of ice cream under the stars all of us together I have to say thats one of the best times of my life......Tonight we had a party at my Moms and it was very nice..The only thing that was missing was my Grandpa.. Its funny how they become such a set and when one dies it seems like the pepper is gone and just the salt shaker remains.I miss Him...

I may sound a little waaaa-waaa right now hope thats okay...Its just The one thing I would really and truely love this Christmas is some peace..Just time once in a while to heal, I always feel like I have tennis balls shooting so fast at me that I couldn't possibly hit any so instead they just keep hitting me in the face....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Tonight we get home and Abi falls down the stairs of her new bunkbed and so I'm running to get an icepac, she's screaming. I get her calm and now Matti starts yelling because she is having severe pain in her bottem, It takes me at least an hour to get her pain under control, with heat etc..Then Kaydee starts crying because her ears hurt her so bad because we can't get her to take any medicine!!!So while this all is going on I'm trying to figure out what Doctors to call tomorrow......Seriously my life is a bad car accident I look around the room see who is the worst and deal with them first.....I just want some peace God please..
Time to heal, be refreshed....I hate to complain because I do know that we are blessed..but come on give me a break!!!
Let me play Christmas songs skip around the house wondering what to do next..Look over Christmas cards as I sip eggnog..
I WANT THAT!!!!! Okay now I'm sounding like the girl who turns into a blue berry on Willy Wonka...Sorry just keeping it real...
Dear God I ask you tonight to hold my hand extra tight,I know you won't let go ,Help me to be still when there is no stillness help me to be calm when there is such uncertainy,
Help me to be all about the Good and not to focus on the bad,Help me not to waste one day by not moving forward, Help me to know that there is nothing I cannot do , Help me to remember I will win with you by my side.......I am a winner!!

Love to all of you....I hope you find Peace of your own...Tracie

Friday, December 9, 2005 7:33 AM CST

Hello,
Well it is Friday...Abi isn't going to school today her ear is bothering her alot. I picked her up yesterday after the nurse called , so today I'm just going to let her lay around.
Dr. B said if Kaydee and Abi don't start to get better we may want a chest x-ray..there is still time to get into the hospital before Christmas!!!! Just kidding
He gave Kaydee another med. thinking she would take this one but no..I'm not sure what to do about that.
Not too much planned for today probably laundry (love to wash it hate to put it away). Tonight I'm going to a soap and candle party with my Mom and some friends I'm looking forward to that, I could use a little time away.

Well we have a new bulley at school a little boy who I know well because he hit Abi on the head in pre-school , He told Abi that her eyes look funny and was making sounds at her when she would look his way. Abi asked me if they do? I said they are being helped by her glasses and one eye does look a little differant but nothing to worry about...It is so hard as a parent to deal with kids making fun, I just hate that part.....

Have a blessings day everyone, know how much God wants to be a part of your day..try not to rush but to enjoy the season..stop and smell the pine trees...love ya Tracie

Thursday, December 8, 2005 8:50 AM CST

I am so thankful for God and His strength That he gives me, If it wasn't for Him why would we get up in the morning??
Yesterday I heard about two people that have recently found out they have cancer, It is so hard for me to understand Why ...It seems so unfair for these families to go through so much pain, it really does make my heart hurt. Lean not on your own understanding, Well good because I'm not getting it.....
Please pray for the families that must deal with this awful terrorist..And be so thankful if you are not one of them.

Well Yesterday the nurse called from school , Abi had a bad ear ache . She wanted to stay at school but I'm unsure if she will make it through today..Last night (bad idea) I let her get 3 of her pills out of the bottle and take them, after a minute she had forgotten how many she had taken..I was shocked ..she thought maybe she had taken too many..Great!!! she was a little Dizzy last night but made it through okay (that was a lesson learned).

Kaydee is still pretty sick but refuses to take medicine..not sure what to do there, Called Dr. B yesterday and got his nurse ..That was some great advice..anyway..I will probably call him again today..all the girls have been on antibiotics (except KK) and they really aren't better...
I know what you are thinking..Hello your the Christophersons your not suppose to be well!!!Oh ya I forgot.

So many of you are wishing us well for the upcoming year..lets be honest..It will be full of struggles and dissapointment..BUT It will also be full of blessings and lots of love...someone should send a Christmas card that says" I know your year has been bad , maybe it was so bad that it can't get much worse? There was good stuff maybe focus on that , Well better luck in 2006.."
That would be a perfect card..ha ha

Basically all I have is today..Thank goodness...
have a good one..love ya Tracie

Wednesday, December 7, 2005 8:31 AM CST

Hello,
Another cold day outside,the good news is it makes me productive inside..I can't believe it no Dr. appts or anything today, very nice.....
I have to say I had a fun time on the field trip with Abi's school we went to the old flour mill and I actually learned alot..I guess you can teach an old dog new things..
Abi seems to be doing pretty well maybe her meds have evened out a little ..I really just wish she didn't have to be on so many, its hard for me still to not know WHY?? I wish I could just know what we are dealing with instead of just giving her these meds to keep away the pain..I am grateful but on the other hand I'm a solution finder thats what I do I like to get things resolved....
Last night the girls talked with Santa on the phone and boy were they excited..Abi asked for a remote control car,easybake oven and books..Matti asked for an amazing Amanda doll and anything pink and girly with No buttons, Kaydee wants a new barbie bike and anything to do with dress-up. I asked for a day at the spa with cucumbers on my eyes,(the only spa I will get is me doing my own hair and dog poop for a facial) ha ha , Paul wants a new Xbox 360 ( ha ha Dream-on sweetie)...
I hope all of you get what you dream for and if you don't its just Stuff anyway...Family and friends are the true gift of christmas....Those are the things to most be greatful for...Love ya all Tracie

Monday, December 5, 2005 10:30 AM CST

Good Morning...
I have been so upset at myself because after all that has been done for us , I'm still sad alot. I still think It is the constant struggles of stuff that is ongoing and still very much apart of our lives. I really have to give myself permission to be that way and know that its okay. I mainly stay upbeat its just nighttime when things are quiet that I have trouble..

Abi is home from school today, she got up and was really kind of out of it and didn't feel real good, we increased her pain med. by one last night and I just wonder if its too much for her. Her cold is really bad today too.
I talked with her teacher about her report card and getting special ed and her reply was that Abi would not at this time qualify for that. I guess the thing to do is help her as much as we can at home and hope things get better, I'm just not sure if her hand motor skills will improve???

Trying to get things done for Christmas, time has really gone way too fast..It has been fun bringing out the decorations in a newly redone home...They look so much better now!!!!

I have been trying to get the girls to really focus on the meaning of Christmas this year, The birth of Jesus, We have been reading about it and playing with the nativity set..They seem to really enjoy learning about it...

May we all remember today is our gift from God ...Love you guys...Tracie

Saturday, December 3, 2005 8:35 AM CST

Dr. B went well all three girls have sinus infections and are going to be on antibiotics again, the problem is Kaydee is the worst one and I can't get her to take hers..Love that..
Dr. B suggested we wait on the Chicago trip because Dr. Partington who is the Neurosurg at Gillette has some great thoughts and we already have an appt with him in Jan. so we can always go to Chicago If I feel we don't get the help we need....And you know me I'm an expert in waiting Right God?

Well everytime report cards come out its a hard time for me as a Mom, I cry as I write this ..Its almost a slap in the face to see on paper all the struggles Abi has and it really hurts my heart to see it. I was proud to see how well she does reading and everything that doesn't involve motor skills.
There were even ones that need attention, well I feel we need to get her in special ed then before she really gets behind..the problem with Abi is her brain is advanced but her motor skills can't keep up..I will really push to get her in that after seeing her report card..I will focus once again on the joy she always has in her heart and the good things she can do...But I do need to tend to the other things as well...

Christmas time is one of my favorite times of year it just seems like a warm and cozy time..the snow helps...I try not to focus on the things that have happened in the past at this time but every once in a while they come back to haunt me...My Father passed away at Christmas 4 years ago , our Cat Lizzy was put to sleep last year on Christmas day, and of course Abi's operation that has sent us into this nightmare happened after Christmas...Now you know why we don't do a Christmas letter, no'one would open it!!! This year we have so much to be Thankful for our wonderful home our New and old friends and the goodness that has been shown to us time and time again..Also its a time of Hope, hope for the New Year almost like a clean slate...

Dear God Thank you for life and for the people in it..Help us to move forward and notice all of your many blessings....
Have a great weekend ...love ya all.....Tracie

Thursday, December 1, 2005 5:21 PM CST

Okay after some soul searching I have figured out why I haven't called this Dr. in Chicago to make an appt. for one thing I wanted to make sure he would work with our great Neuro Dr. here and he will, second driving to Chicago is a little scary, third and probably the most true, if I go to him and He is an expert in Chiari malformations and He tells me He can't help Abi I feel I will be crushed...Then i will almost lose hope...This Dr, Dr. Frim was in people magazine he helped a liitle girl in Texas who had the same as Abi, The problem is Abi has had so many operations without too much success...So is it too late??? I know I owe it to her to keep trying..Anyone who has plane tickets to Chicago give me a call.....

I know God has brought us here through the people with IFMA and the news story etc.. so I really must continue..I have to say I'm scared and I have no idea what 2006 will bring..I guess none of us do. I take the girls to see Dr. B tomorrow and I will see what He thinks ...

Dear God Thank you for showing me direction, give me the strength and courage to follow it. Help me to only look forward and not back...Thanks Goodnight...Tracie

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 1:35 PM CST

I have been trying to get down here to journal but it has been almost impossible. talk about multitasking I'm going so fast I don't know what day it is....
My Moms operation went well , not as bad as last time but she is in alot of pain. She is staying here for now until she feels a little better.
Today was the dentist for the girls (can I just say I love that place they are so great to us) Forbes Dental , Kaydee didn't go because she hasn't felt that great, all the girls still have thier bad colds. Abi did great and no cavities (Thank you God)she did get a headache from it so I decided just to bring her home afterwards...Matti cried and cried and cried because Abi had her so scared to begin with..So she was a no go on the cleaning...We all go see Dr.B on Friday to see why they can't get rid of these coughs....That should be another fun adventure......

I am so overwhelmed by all the info I have recieved I really don't know what path to take, That is where prayer comes in ..turn it over it will play out......Love ya more later....Tracie

Sunday, November 27, 2005 4:03 PM CST

I cannot believe the support I have gotten through the TV, Thank you so much...I have found out about resources that I never knew existed...Once again Thank you..

The message from church today was just what I needed to hear, Pastor talked about how in times of trouble and hardship we need to embrace our faith instead of run from it and then God will show us a new way. I admit sometimes it seems like I'm holding on to a bar and my hands are slipping but something has always told me to hang in there it will get better ,to me thats my faith my hope and my love for God coming into play.
I always talk about the book "Wait" I have read that so many times and the thing I get most about it is By waiting I have gotten closer to God and have gotten to know Him.

I have always felt that We have been going in the wrong direction with Abi , all we have wanted is for someone to say I understand and I know people who can help, I think we have found that now. Could it be true have we found the yellow brick road to get to the Emerald city ?? I want to go to this Dr. in Chicago and ask for my Daughter back...I have gotten several e-mails about a nuero-surgeon in Chicago who specializes in Chiari malformations..He sounds wonderful..and also I have heard from other Moms who understand because they have been through it!!!!!!!!Thank you God...Once again I'm speechless....

Friday, November 25, 2005 6:59 PM CST

WOW!!! has this been an incredible experience....I couldn't really see the news story last night because I was crying , imagine that me crying.....all I can say is WOW.....
Can I just tell you Jason (the reporter) came to our house Wed. night and 1 minute before he got there Lola decided to poop right by the door, thinking it was a leaf I kicked it aside with my shoe and it went all over the wall, Of course I was running around saying Paul help me and so by the time Jason got there with the camera man I was on my hands and knees and the whole entry way smelled like poop...So I just smiled and said Hello !! I guess you had to be there..Jason was great he is so nice its easy to be yourself around him..

Abi seems to be doing okay, we went to see Dr. Wycal who suggested her taking some valium at night to help with her neck so we have been doing that but she has been getting so dizzy at night I might stop doing that and see how it goes..You know me always playing Dr.

Today was probably the first calm day we have had since we got home, It was nice we played candyland and put up Christmas stuff then sat downstairs and watched the hollydazzle parade(The kids love that parade)..Oh ya we also had hot choc. and marshmellows...

My Mom will be having another operation on Tuesday, we thought it would be a little one but now we find out her face isn't healing and they have to do alot more....prayers for her ...

I really can't thank you enough for being here on Sat. night either in body or spirit..it is so special to us...I am really enjoying my house its so fun to look around and see all the new things...It was funny on the news to see the house stripped down and all those people in it..kinda wierd..Paul almost has the pod out front empty just a couple more things...

The first snow is always so peaceful it is just a perfect example of the the wonderful things God can do...

Have a great weekend and please come by for an autograph (call first, there may be a wait)...ha ha ..love ya Tracie

Wednesday, November 23, 2005 7:38 PM CST

I want all of you to know on Thanksgiving we will be thankful for you, you have all in your own way touched our hearts...Thank you...............God Bless you and your family

News story channel 4 at 10:00 Thanksgiving (Thursday)

I give thanks to God for love. The love I feel for my family and friends warms my heart and grows as I continue to share it unconditionally.
I give Thanks to God for abundance. From the place I call home to the food i eat, I am blessed with abundance of good.
I give thanks today for all my blessings, knowing even greater blessings are in store.
(Daily word)

Wednesday, November 23, 2005 8:55 AM CST

Just when your floating on a cloud, something takes a pin and pops your baloon...Abi had her school concert last night , she was so excited because she practiced the whole time on the trip and was driving us all crazy!!!We dressed her up fancy and right before the show, she was in so much pain she couldn't go on stage..when they came and got me I was blown away I just couldn't keep the tears back ,here was Abi so excited and then the evilness of her pain robbed another special moment from her...I just get so angry...
She has been getting worse since the day we left for vacation, we brought her back many a times to the room screaming while at Disney..even though we still had a blast...I really thought this new medication was the real deal and all our dreams had come true...CRASH....I guess I have been around Cinderella and all the fairy tale characters too much...My life was a dream for a while why does reality always have to mess things up...
Don't think I'm not grateful for all that has been done for us because I am more than words can say, but the truth is we still have this big pile of stuff sitting right in the middle of all this good...I wish I could take it and put that in the pod and lock it up....I just have to think that God is showing us these signs for a reason, I pray for his guidance so I need to be still and listen for it when it comes...I did call Abi's new Dr. to ask her what I should do ..still waiting for her call back...I talked with Nichole last night when I got home, she really helps center me because like I am, she is in the middle of it too..we just keep paddleing the boat waiting for the motor to kick in...
On a happier note my house is just amazing the dishwasher is now working and it is so quiet i couldn't even hardley notice it was running, I have always been a home person I love to be here and now at least I know the roof won't cave in...Today in the midst of being so uncertain of things I will be still and listen for God to guide me....love all of you thank you for your notes of support and kindness..Tracie

update: Dr. Wycal called and needs to see Abi and we will be doing an MRI and MRV today too...

Tuesday, November 22, 2005 9:20 AM CST

I have to say for the first time in my life I have been speechless!!!!Paul and I have just been in tears since we have been home..The joy that has filled our hearts is undescribable...The material part of the house is wonderful but to know that all these people, IFMA and friends and family came out to help build a dream for us is something we will never forget. We have a fresh start as a family...a new beginning ...I have been sitting here thinking since Saturday how do we Thank all of you , How do you take your heart out and show how much love you feel..I don't know. I want to make sure that each person really really knows how much you did and how we didn't take one nail or one coat of paint for granted..There are so many times when you have a sick child or saddness in your life that you feel alone and like people are so sick of hearing about it, but yet in your heart it is still so real and heartbreaking. We will never as a family feel that again for one minute because we are surrounded by your love, you have taken your arms and wrapped them around all of us...I just hope you know how that feels...I'm crying as I type this because I'm just so overwhelmed ..Thank you!!!God Bless all of you..

The news story will run on channel 4 at 10:00 wed. or thurs. night (we think)

Monday, November 14, 2005 7:00 PM CST

Hi everyone it�s me, Paul. There are a few things I would like to say before we leave. Our family is still in a bit of shock over this whole situation. How does something like this happen? I mean, I know our family has been through a lot. Abi, in particular. She is, by all means, why this is happening. Not to mention her courageous mother. This whole thing is so overwhelming. Sometimes I think �How can I accept such a gracious gift, when I know there are so many other deserving families with equally compelling stories that could use the help we are getting?� And then I think �How can I turn down something that is a once in a life time chance?� How did our little family get chosen for such a wonderful thing? If you think about it too much, it�s enough to drive you insane. Instead, we will open our hearts and say �Thank you God� Thank you for not only sending us this wonderful organization, IFMA, but for all the help, support, prayers and love that has been sent our way this year. The list of family, friends, coworkers and yes, even strangers, is too long to mention. You all know who you are. I will not ramble on any more. THANK YOU EVERYBODY!!!
I feel like we just won the Super Bowl. Hey Christopherson family, You just won the Super Bowl. What are you going to do now? WE�RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!

Twas the night before Disney
And all through the house
We were all thinking
Of meeting The Mouse

I�m sure we�ll be tired
We just can not sleep
We�re thinking of all
The characters to meet

Abi wants Mickey
Matti, The Villains
For Kaydee to meet Aerial
It would be just thrilling

Me, I want to meet Goofy
Why? If you met me you�d know
To meet Aerial, also, is why
Tracie wants to go

I�m sure we�ll have stories
About our great trip
We will say �Hi� for everyone
To Dale and Chip

A HUGE THANK YOU
To I.F.M.A.
Because of you
Tomorrow is such a
Fantastic day

Monday, November 14, 2005 7:02 AM CST

Well tomorrow is the BIG day , lots to do lots to do....Even though we are suppose to have a big blizzard I'm not worried and I shouldn't be, RIGHT GOD!!!You understand the plan RIGHT GOD !!!

I was honored to attend Liz Hickmans prayer service last night, WOW I expected to leave there sad and depressed but instead I was empowered. What a demonstration of how God works through us..That little girl because of her smile and her courage made a differance in so many peoples lives. Going there last night makes you want to be a better person, How many people can we help or somehow make thier life a better place ..or even better bring them closer to God ..I'm so glad I went I really was able to take alot home with me...Thank you Liz...........

The girls are ready to go I feel sorry for the teachers at Abis' school today, getting her to hold still will be impossible..She has been feeling pretty good we increased her pain med. so now she is on double then we will increase it again on Sunday.

Well once again I'm happy to report Paul and I are grandparents .our finches are nuts!!I was cleaning the cage and looked in the nest all I could see was a tiny little beak and black fuzzers..Paul was thrilled (Not really) I wonder if they have bird birth control pills?Oh well..How could anyone hatch in our house its a zoo..I did buy a sign and hung it in the kitchen it reads.."Welcome to the ZOO", anyone who has been over knows its so true...

I really have to close with another Thank you to IFMA..All the people who have worked so hard to make this trip so special for us..Mike, Chad, Des, who have made this a full time job..You all have given us a chance to become a family again, without the phone the Doctor appts. and the everyday junk..You have made a differance!!Thanks

Have a good Monday stop and smell the coffee...Try and think about how God works through you..Are you letting Him?
Love ya Tracie

Friday, November 11, 2005 5:54 AM CST

"Clap your hands, all you peoples;
shout to God with loud songs of joy.
For the Lord, the Most High, is awesome." -Psalm47:1-2

Good morning everyone!!!
thought I'd start with that this morning because I really liked what it said...
Yesterday went pretty well, went to Target to get some snacks to take in a suitcase with us . Still reading the Disney books ,I think I'm turning into Minnie mouse , Black ears are starting to grow out of my head...Mike called from IFMA and was telling me they set it up to where the girls get to have a breakfast with Mickey and Minnie(us too) Wow I just couldn't believe it how cool is that!!!! Abi will be soooooo excited she will have to go back and rest after that..If you see her don't mention this We want it to be a surprise..
Kaydee will be turning 3 the day we leave, what a birthday she will have.
Matti had her first therapist appt. yesterday and Lynda said for her age she is very good about opening up about her feelings, still has alot of fears about me leaving and feelings about Abi being in the hospital, next appt. the three girls are going together.
Abi has been a little under the weather when she gets home from school, her neck has been bugging her alot..I wish we could increase her pain med. now but we have to wait a week..
Last night we all lit a candle and sent strength and love to the Hickman family, its hard to explain to the girls why a little girl has to be so very sick with cancer, its hard for me to understand myself. I always remember what Alex's mom said the day he died.. She could see the angels and God just waiting to welcome him to heaven they were so happy to hold him and love him, for me I have to hold on to that vision to make things okay down here..
I think one of the most important things I can teach the girls is the power of prayer and how connecting with God is like plugging in to life..without God things don't flow.....
I like to visualize it like a river, Life has rocks and trash and damms to block the flow, when I turn things over and start my day with God there is none of that blockage.
I know I go on and on..sorry..
Have a God day!!know how much he wants to be part of it!!!!
If you haven't already check out Abi's letter click on photo's............love ya Tracie

Everyone has been asking what IFMA stands for here it is---International Facilities Management Association..We think it stands for WONDERFUL!!!!!

Liz Hickman went to be with God this morning at 2:10am please pray for her family...Thanks

Wednesday, November 9, 2005 8:29 PM CST

Well the day started with the birds singing i slept in until 10:00, the Nanny came and got the girls so I could spend the day shopping ...Yea right!!! I wish,ha ha

My day started with the challenge of getting Matti to go potty I ended up practically forcing her to get in the tub to sit in warm water because going to the ER was not going to happen no way..She ended up going and things went okay after that, Her Dr. did call and say because of the blood test results they are raising her medicine to 4ml..She said not to worry we will do another blood test on the 23rd, well thats a worry ..oh well.. Paul went to the Doc. and he is now on an antibiotic well that leaves me???
Jill from neuro-surg called today said she was thinking about us wondered how things were going, I said we are making it ..I didn't mention about leaving to go over to Gilette because I thought I should wait. Abi seems to be okay on her new med, had to take additional meds tonight because she was so excited when Chad from IFMA came over and talked about Disney she was bouncing everywhere..The girls were so shy but later explained it was because he was so cute !!!
Had a meeting at work today and we will schedule another one to work on visions, visions?? The only visions it seems I have time for are visions of when will I have a day at home to pick up dog poop and rake the yard...
My Mom said a great thing to me tonight, I was telling her about Chad coming by and how I feel so blessed that we are having all these great things coming our way, Why though I asked her and her reply was , You never once in all you've been through have given up on God your faith has been strong and these are gifts from Him...That really hit home with me ..Like I tell my little kids on Sundays when we are done with prayer I always say "Tell God Thank You", then we all say Thank You God as loud as we can...But I do know in my heart that He is the one set of footprints through all this and He still carries me because I'm still not ready to walk...Love ya Goodnight..

5 days until we leave for DISNEY!!!!!

Prayers for the Hickman family

P.S.
Check out the pictures. There is a letter thar Abi wrote right after she found out we were going.
Paul

Tuesday, November 8, 2005 9:52 PM CST

Matti's kidney test went okay today , the laughing gas was not as great as I thought it would be we still had to hold her down during the catheter placement..I'm sure I will hear the details about her bloodwork and that test soon. The problem tonight is she hasn't gone to the bathroom since this morning because it hurts too bad to go? I tried having her sit in water and everything else the paper said to do but any of you who know Matti knows that if there is something she strongly doesn't want to do you better be prepared to fight her....So I'm kind of concerned but we will see what happens during the night.

Abi had a good day she seems to be doing okay on her first days of the new medication, we will be increasing the dose every week.. She fell again on the playground tripped and landed on her side its all bruised , she told me it hurt so bad she almost went to the nurse...Okay Thats it playground is closed!!!! Can't they stay in and do puzzles?? Ha ha

Paul has been coughing like crazy at night I will be making him a DR. APPT tomorrow he has had this cough for over a month, I will get everyone stable before we leave on this trip if it kills me...

I've decided while I'm at the pool in Florida I'll just wear a maternity swimmsuit..people will think I'm 6 months along and won't think its just that I'm from Mn. and like to snack at night..good,problem solved..ha ha (I'm not really going to do that because then I can't drink fancy drinks with umbrellas by the pool).

Well I would like to leave you with a poem tonight.....

Roses are yellow carnations are blue
Why is our house always a zoo,
The kids are sick sometimes they are well,
We try to stay in the fight and make it to the bell,

Our house is in need of desperate repair
Most mornings I can't do anything with my hair,
But when the chips are down we really have won this race,
because not for one minute would
we let someone take our place,

God is here and this we don't fear
All you have to do is be silent to know he is near,
You may say to yourself ,how do they do it
When Gods involved there is really nothing to it!!!

The End........Ha Ha Don't worry I will stick with my church job....

Love ya Lots

Tuesday, November 8, 2005 5:42 AM CST

Boy I am up a little too early...Matti has been crying on and off through the morning, probably worried about her test today . On a scale of tests as far as our family goes its not too bad I do have to say I'm a little nervous to see how its all going to work out, I will ask God if he is free this morning to go with me. Yesterday and the flu shot trip went really well, Abi was upset a little , Matti cried and kicked me (again) , and Kaydee well the surprise , she just layed there and didn't make a sound it was almost like she didn't notice...Glad the shots and blood draws are over for a while..
All the girls are now on antibiotics trying to get rid of this cough and stuff before we leave , Paul and I will still have ours because we haven't had time to go in but thats okay...

Abi started her new med. yesterday I hope she will do well on it she also took her first pill and was so excited..Like the DR said she will either respond well or she won't 50/50 odds.

I tried to find a cheap swimsuit on e-bay and it came in the mail yesterday, I could get some poles and make a tent for a family of 10 with this thing, I should never be able to order on-line ever!!!Oh well..
My Mom will take over the petting zoo while we are gone,hopefully she will be back to her young self by then, she goes back to the DR. today to hopefully get some of her stiches out..

We made a countdown chart for the trip yesterday and we are on day 6...Now Abi is into writing page letters about the trip and poems..Here is her latest, I left the spelling as is...................................

In 7 days I will be going to disny wolrd! It has ben my drem to go. I love this news. cant wat to se Goofy Doneld Miny and Miky. Abi

Have a great day, whistle while you work!!!!!!!!!Love ya Tracie

Sunday, November 6, 2005 4:12 PM CST

WOW!!!
I have a busy week ahead of me, Dr. appointments for Abi and flu shots for everyone 3 girls getting flu shots all at once that should be a fun time , thats why they call it Monday..
Tuesday Matti has her Kidney test they will give her laughing gas because she can't fast for any period of time so she can't use the other stuff ...I'm sorry I keep talking about it but I still can't believe "WE" are all going on a family vacation..I have the book memorized ask me anything..ha ha..
I'm such an organization freak it's kind of fun to do something like this trip, I do think I will start packing tomorrow, so I will be able to know what we need..I think medication and underware are the two important things right?

Mom went home today I will have to say I'll miss her, It was nice to have her here we have such a great realtionship, I'm so blessed to have her in my life...

Let this Disney trip for us show you that Great stuff happens!!!Blessings Blessings Blessings..Never say ohh that could never happen, Because God has so many wonderful things coming your way..He loves us so much ..He tries to show us that if we let him...BYE BYE LOve ya all...Tracie

Saturday, November 5, 2005 7:51 AM CST

How many pictures can one child draw about Disney? Well Abi has done alot, they are hanging everywhere she has written poems about Disney..etc..
Last night we watched the DVD vacation video and read through the books several times , We are all pretty excited....

Had to take Matti and Kaydee to DR.B yesterday they still have bad coughs he gave Matti meds, Matti also had to get her blood work done , she did pretty well I have a couple marks from her kicking but other than that she was pretty brave. We have Flu shots on Monday and then Matti has her kidney VCUG test on tuesday.I will need a vacation after all that...Dr. B was so happy about the trip too and couldn't believe it, He said with an organization like "IFMA"he would like to join.
Abi's Principle called to get the whole scoop, Abi was telling her parts of it and when she heard about it she wanted to call and let me know they want to do a story about it when we get back , in the school paper.
I talked with my therapist yesterday and told her the good news, she asked me what my goals were for this and I said" I just want to take it in and be able to enjoy it, just breath it all in..." I basically want us to be a healthy happy family even if its for four days...We have the happy part its the other we lack a little...
I will start Abi on her new Med today, I was going to wait but after talking with a friend of mine who's on it she thinks its the best thing since chocolate....If we could go on our trip pain free, WOW that would be incredible....
Abi has always wished for two things starting back when she was in the hospital....No more headaches and DISNEYWORLD...Is it possible we might have both? who knows?

Thank you God for this day and the people you have brought into our lives, Teach us to enjoy the blessings and to move forward through the tough times. Help us not to worry but to Breath instead..

Love you guys...Tracie

Thursday, November 3, 2005 7:56 PM CST

The nurse called me today at home and said Abi was in her office with bad stomach pain would I come and get her...Of course thinking the worst I run over there, she did seem to feel pretty bad and was crying but my opinion was the Disney trip was a overload for her, I know I didn't sleep at all too excited!!!
My Mom is doing better today she was able to get up and shower but is still relying heavy on the pain meds..
I guess IFMA might be working on our house while we are away..I had two people out here to measure the roof today..they are lucky I didn't kiss them I was so excited..Also a man with IFMA brought two books over about Disney for us and we haven't put them down since...Are these people wonderful or what...I just realized I threw out all the girls swimsuits from last year because they were a little worn, who would of thought we would need them!!!!!!!!!!!It was just a good day everytime the phone rang I was happy thinking it was more good news (because it was)..I really like feeling like this ...HAPPY!!!!!!!!!
Take care love ya Tracie

Wednesday, November 2, 2005 8:54 PM CST

I'm sitting here trying to find the right words , I feel so many things Joy, excitement, worry, I can't help but cry and smile all at the same time..Today we found out that we,our family are going to DISNEYLAND!!!!!!! HOW OFTEN HAVE i WRITTEN GOOD NEWS ON THIS PAGE WELL HERE IT IS..WE ARE GOING TO DISNEY, THE PALACE OF PRINCESSES..MICKEY MOUSES HOUSE....
I better back up a little, a wonderful organization called IFMA decided to pick Abi and all of us for thier summer IFMA cares project, We met them and thought they were going to help fix a couple things on our house, how incredible is that!!! Anyway we go to this conference today because they want to meet Abi, they presented Abi with a Lion because of how brave she is to be going through all this, and to me that was so great right there..We sit down the President of IFMA gets up and then it happened she said (unless I'm dreaming) that they were sending all of us to Disney!!But it has to be in two weeks, I could tell by Pauls face he was a little worried about work..But how could we ever go without him I couldn't take the girls to a place like that without Mr. Disney with us because we need this so badly all of us!!Doing something fun as a family...WoW, If you could of seen the look on Abi's face when they told us , I have never seen her so happy, all the way home she said, This is the best day of my life......It was one of the best days of mine too...When we got home and told everyone else Paul cried and Matti asked questions like are we leaving now? I said kind of....Kaydee wanted to know if Buzz lightyear would be there...If anyone from IFMA is reading this Thank you for bringing Joy to our hearts and Thank you for being the band-aid our family so desperatly needed...God bless all of you out there...love ya Tracie...

P.S. WE'RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!P.s. wanted a babysitter for 7 birds a puppy and a fish..ha ha

Tuesday, November 1, 2005 8:05 PM CST

Can I just say..My poor MOM..I cannot believe all they did to her today, when the surgeon was telling us all he was going to do we both started crying..She has so much done to her face ,her ear...It will be a long recovery she will need two more surgeries to complete it.What a long day...
Tomorrow Abi and I go to a IFMA conference she will be introduced there and presented with a bravery award..Everytime I think about how wonderful that is I have to cry..happy tears..I haven't told her about that part so she will be surprised!!!!She had alot of neck pain tonight but after some med. she seemed to bounce back okay...Thats all I got I'm beat.....Love you guys..help me pray that my Mom's pain will go away a little...I love her so much!!!!

Tuesday, November 1, 2005 6:42 AM CST

Yesterday was a very long day for my Mom and I, she had to go in 5 times, everytime he thought he had all of the tumor he didn't. Today we go for the plastic surgery part of it and they will be putting her completely asleep for that, I feel like I've been here before....I just pray everything goes well and she will be at our house recovering later today.

We had fun tricker treating last night , The kids got really tired so we had to pull them home in the wagon, Kaydee couldn't believe that if you knocked on a door they would give you candy, she was in heaven.

I guess Abi will not be getting OT at school she doesn't qualify for special ed because she is keeping up , I wish it would of worked out because now its just one more appointment we have to make and go to, I could use a Nanny just for Dr. Appointments..I got all three girls in for a flu shot next Monday, Dr. B said it was a must !! That everyone in the house had to get one..Matti also has alot of bloodwork to do that day so that should be fun....
Abi will start her new Medicine this week, I have to say I'm a little nervous how she will respond to it but i will keep an open mind..
Well better get Abi up for school and get ready to take Mom to the Big House (hospital) ..Have a blessings filled day and know how very much God loves each one of you....When I was working Sun. Morning I did a bible lesson about all the things God made for us ...I'm never sure if such a little aged group will take anything away from it but I teach them just the same, After I was done I gave them each a cross sticker and said " This is your God Loves you Sticker". A Mom later came to me and said My son Just told me this was on him because God loves Him....I was so excited its things like that , that remind me why I'm there.....
have a Great day ...love ya Tracie

Monday, October 31, 2005 6:45 AM CST

Good Morning...Happy Halloween...........................Well Abi has had an okay weekend, Not sure if her medicine adjustment has played a part but she is a little off and crying, also called the Doc last night because her ear was hurting so bad , Paul went out and got meds for her so hopefully she will be able to trick or treat.
They finally put her on an antibiotic.
My Mom goes in today for her skin cancer surgery then we will go tomorrow for her plastic surgery..So please keep her in your prayers.
Lots to do lots to do ...I look at the calander and it makes me not able to breath there is soooo much!! I will take it a day at a time. Love and spooks to all.................Tracie
P.S- Paul is going to be a scary not sure what it is, Me a witch..Abi a cheetah..Matti cinderella as a bride...Kaydee as sleeping beauty...

Friday, October 28, 2005 8:15 AM CDT

God was truely there yesterday, Our appointment couldn't of gone better!! She is an incredible Doctor from what I have seen so far, She listens, she had done her homework,she had compassion, This is the best I have felt in two years maybe three years. We were there talking with her for three hours. When we were talking Abi started crying because she said it was hard to hear all the bad stuff that she has gone through....I can't really believe it all myself.

She agreed Abi does look good right now compared to Feb,but how does Abi function compared to when she was two or three? The answer not too well, She walked early as a baby and Paul taught her to catch a ball really young..So what happened...She feels Abi has alot of issues, not just one . Some we will learn to live with some we can change or help.

She also feels there might be a underlying Genetic disorder and is checking to see what was checked so far and may follow up on that. She wants OT ordered at school because there are some wire problems when we get to motor skills. Her brain operates at a very high IQ but her hands and body can't keep up.

She has changed her medicine time around a little and has added a new med. That will either take away her headaches all together or it will make her sleepy and she will cry alot..we start those in a week.
In two months we will have another MRI full body to check for anything new or old that we have overlooked, also we were informed that her skull at the base is flat instead of rounded and noone has ever told us that fact before..
We also decided to change to Gillete for Neuro-surg. we will be leaving Dr. Nagib and JILL and from now on see Dr. Petronio who we will see in a couple months to get a second opinion. Here's the part I smile biggest about..From now on if Abi has extreme pain or shunt trouble, No more ER for us!!!!We call the Dr. or who is on call they either get a nurse to get Abi pain meds. at home or we go right in to the hospital..NO WAITING..Thank you GOD.......

I can't tell you how good it felt to have someone listen and understand ..When she asked me what I wanted out of all this I said.."At the end of the day, When I go to sleep I want to know in my heart I have done everything I can to give Abi the best life she can have".

She also talked with me about Abi's NO list, Like no skating no sledding, no trampolines, nothing that will jar her head and neck in any way..Paul was really sad after hearing that ..When I asked him why , He said because thats my little baby!! I did remind him of all the other wonderful things she can do ..and thats what we focus on.

I think thats all of it ..My heart is full knowing we have someone to work with us step by step through all of this ..It is sad we had to wait so long but I have to say it was worth it.Once again Dr. B sent us in the right direction .I really don't know where we would be without him..

Talked with Nichole and her operation went fine they will know in a week about her tumor, My Mom will have her operation to remove her skin cancer on Monday then her plastic surgery on Tuesday so please extra prayers for her...
I love you guys Thank you again for your prayers love and support........And thank you God for never leaving my side...Love Tracie

Thursday, October 27, 2005 8:24 AM CDT

ASK and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds;and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.-Matthew 7:7-8

Dear God,
I just wanted to send you a quick e-mail before Abi and I once again go to a New Doctor. I would ask that you help me to keep an open mind and not be shaped and molded by the disappointments of the past. Help me to move forward with open eyes and spirit. Now God I know at times I have the outcome all planned on what I would like to hear, this time I want to turn that over to you, Be with Dr. Wical help her to really hear us and work through her God to help Abi .Today is a new day and a gift you have given us God, help us to move forward and grow from every situation we are presented. All I want from today is a fresh beginning into better understanding Abi's medical needs and from that I can heal. Thank you God we will be leaving around 10:00 I expect you to drive...love Tracie

Prayers for Nichole.........love ya

Tuesday, October 25, 2005 10:35 PM CDT

Alright, I went to bed and as I layed there I kept thinking I'm not done fighting, I'm not even close...
Tonight Abi was having a little bit of head pain she was trying to do her math book (just for fun) and she was having trouble,when I asked her what was wrong she said she was just really wobbley and a little shakey too..But for her at times thats normal, so she gave up that and started to read it was then I realized I'm putting my boots back on and keeping on the path to finding some answers and help for her, she's so worth that!!I don't care if I'm tired waaa--waaa. Anyway I was talking to my therapist today she thought that maybe I was trying to get ready for no real answers on Thursday and that was the reason for the backdown, I realized she was right..Instead I will march in there on Thursday and Let God go in first of course,and take it from there with Gods help..And the good news is it will be okay and I will be okay, no matter what!
I took Matti in for her 5 year checkup yesterday, she is growing really well, she recieved 3 shots and actually it didn't take ten people to hold her down she did really well I was proud of her. She has to go back in around the 1st of Nov. for her usual blood work to make sure all her levels are where they should be and also she has to get a flu shot we all do...Dr.B also mentioned we have to do a kidney reflux test on her that I've been putting off so he is going to schedule that soon and try giving her laughing gas, they do that now I think thats so smart..I love that stuff...
Well anyway the story continues ......Will there come a day I say I'm done searching ,who knows probably ,but for now I'm just not ready to open the champagne .....

Extra prayers go out to my Pal Nichole she is having an operation on Wed...I feel sorry for that nursing staff!!!Ha Ha ...peaceout

Monday, October 24, 2005 4:01 PM CDT

There comes a time in every journey when you have to decide if you want to take off the boots and bloom wear you planted or if you want to keep on and on....that is what I have been soul searching about..We have our apt. Thursday and if after that I feel its time to accept Abi and how things are and start building back our family and end the search..I think we will do just that.
I am so tired of finding things wrong with her so I can write it down or call a Doctor, I want to focus my time now to enjoy her and find the so many wonderful things about her. I have been so busy trying to make her what she was ,It may just be time to accept that she just might not be that ever again. That has been something I never wanted to hear or accept but ya know what Not to be selfish but I'm tired!!!I don't think I can do it anymore.....I'm not saying I won't go to bat for her, of course I will but like a very incredible Mom once told me who has a daughter with cancer.."When I wake up in the morning I make the decision, Today I'm just going to love Her".

God Bless talk to you soon........................love Tracie

Friday, October 21, 2005 7:45 AM CDT

Abi had her first girl scout meeting last night, a fancy tea party. She was so nervous and I know why she hasn't done stuff like this ....This is her missed chapter...The great thing is when kids tend to take stuff like this for granted she really really enjoys it...she was just beaming last night on the way there as you can tell by the picture...

The funniest thing happened yesterday, while at the post office I noticed a bald gentleman working the counter, He had a zipper (scar on the back of his head and neck) and when your daughter goes through that operation not just once but twice you never forget it..So I asked him if he had a Chiari Malformation and had to have surgery and he looked at me amazed that I had asked that and then said YES!!!
I explained to him my daughter has had the operation not once but twice, He went ohhhh. He went on to say that he has had nothing but problems since, with his legs, his eyes..etc..it's been awful. At this point I was kind of sorry I had brought it up because it only made it a known fact that we had for sure messed up our daughter!!!!!Leaving there it did kind of give me new insight, Maybe I should start focusing on getting her better instead of Whats wrong with Her???? Focus more on what can we do? instead of what the heck happened?? I can't keep holding on to the we shouldn't have , or maybes, or for sure the guilt!!!!
I wish that man and I could of talked longer but you know how angry people get when they wait at the post office...
I do believe God brings people in and out of our lives for reasons sometimes we know why and other times it may be for a grander plan.......I was just saying last night I have had soooo many blessings through this whole ordeal and God has brought so many wonderful people into my life..Is it worth it, Not really am I thankful for it Yes!!!!Have a chocolate melt in your mouth kind of day!!!Love ya Tracie

Thursday, October 20, 2005 8:41 AM CDT

Good morning to you all.....
Well Paul went back to work today , He is still coughing like crazy but the show must go on....I feel alot better these steroids are doing the trick, still have a little cough, last night they made me red as a big tomato , I felt like I had a bad sunburn..No wonder Paul loves me so I'm A LOOKER!!!!!

Abi is home today because of no school its so nice to have her here I miss her. She is doing pretty well , I think I might look into a suppliment for her because she can't seem to gain any weight still around 51 pounds..She is so thin I can see her shunt tube and the way it runs through her body..I guess she fell pretty hard on the playground yesterday fell off the stairs going to the slide, Thats it no more playing for you!!!Ha ha Just kidding. Tonight she has her first girlscout function, a teaparty she is so excited We will dress her up and get her all fancy....Some of you may think this is odd But Abi and I finished her Locks of Love app. last night,we are trying to get Abi long hair! Her hair isn't growing very fast because of all the scaring and a friend of mine mentioned it to me so we checked into it and it sounds great! If it makes Abi feel better I will do it..We have never taught her that how you look is the most important thing but basically she hasn't had her hair back in a long time if she wants to do this we will go into it for the right reasons...What a great organization..It is all about getting her life back..And God forbid if something goes wrong with her shunt, there goes her hair once again...I will keep you informed..

Kaydee is doing pretty bad today she probably has the worst cold out of all of us, Matti is plugging along I cannot wait for her therapy apt. we are having such a time with her being a smarty pants and down right mean to Kaydee...She has issues like the rest of us...
We have some fun things planned this weekend. Saturday I have a chocolate party, wait until you hear what recipe I came up with can't give it away yet..Sunday Viking/Packer party , not sure how I feel about the guys in purple, But why do people feel like they are role models anyway? They are high paid boys..We don't watch them because they are good citizens or because they got A's in school..We watch them hurt thier bodies because we enjoy the sport..Anyway thats my thought..Sick of hearing about it...

There are so many wonderful things in front of us let us notice those...I've been telling the girls how God has a big paintbrush and he has decorated this world for us to enjoy...So I make sure we look at the feathers on our birds, the moon, the sky when there is just enough pink mixed in and the trees and how they fade then fall and grow again...Lots of great great things !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have a great day..know you are loved......Tracie

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 8:27 AM CDT

Okay Paul is home sick and its about like having Matti play her hermonica for 6 hours straight..(okay not that bad,ha ha).
He had a really bad night, I felt sorry for him ..It was also rough for Matti and Kaydee who seem to have it bad right now too. I spent 3 hours at the clinic yesterday, The Dr. looked in my throat and said it is very swollen and has alot of sores , He tested me for strep and Mono, both were negative so why is it swelling up at night?????anyway He ended up giving me steroids, great if I'm not crabby enough!!! Six days worth and I am suppose to see Him after that sooner if it gets worse...
Abi is doing okay still wobbley and I guess Paul said she had a headache when she got off the bus yesterday, she did wake up crying this morning but wasn't sure why.....Those of you wondering about Lola, she is fine doing better with accidents (when she does go in the house she goes downstairs by Pauls stuff, gOOD DOG)..wE LOVE HER AND SHE IS A BIG PART OF THIS CRAZY FAMILY...i GUESS i SHOULD OF WARNED HER BEFORE BRINGING HER HOME , "Look Lola We are a loving Family but we have some issues, What you want to go back to the pet place"...Anyway
Have a great day and know that God loves you very much ..love Tracie..P.S. I will be getting the lysol out today Time to get germs out da here.....

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 8:50 AM CDT

Not to say poor me, But POOR ME!!!!! My throat hurts so bad at night I can hardley stand it, I am going to the Dr. again today , the call a nurse last night said It sounds like I have a bad case of Strep, we will see all I know is I can't go on much longer like this...
Kaydee is complaining that her mouth hurts and Matti just has a bad cough, Paul is a mess he coughed all night and Abi well she was laying down eating her toast this morning I can tell she is feeling a little off , Her neck has been hurting her( probably because there is a big hole back there) don't get me started, anyway Abi said I have to go to school today because we get to buy stuff with our pretend banks..(takes after her Mother in that area,we love to shop)..so off she went on the bus..I go in at 2:15 To my Moms clinic I'm going to start seeing the Dr. all my relatives see, Bad thing about that He will know what I'm going to have before I get it..ha ha ....I will no longer be visiting the Silver Lake Clinic Dr. Go Go will have to pretend to treat someone else....Boy I seem Cranky today don't I.....Maybe today I will get alot of blessings because I really don't expect anything good today..ha ha ...Well while you are sipping your Diet cokes and coffee just think of poor little me that can hardley get one swallow down. Don't cry I'm strong I'll be okay....If your still reading this you have more patience then me...I love you guys thanks for hanging on...I will report back with what illness I have...

Stay Tuned ---Will Tracie have strep or will it be a serious infection that will have her flying to Asia? Will Paul make it through the day at work without coughing his way to the bus early? Will Abi be able to purchase all her items or will her paper money run out?? Who will get the bad throat virus first , Kaydee or Matti and will they have to go in to see Dr. B ???? ( Our life is kinda like a soap opera) ha ha

Monday, October 17, 2005 8:27 AM CDT

Well oh well...We are all still sick, I actually felt pretty good yesterday but then last night I could hardly sip water my throat hurt so bad..Matti is much worse today, Kaydee's okay Abi did go to school and seemed to feel okay. Paul is feeling pretty crummy...I guess it's better we all have it together that way we don't worry about passing it along..(bright side)

I think I will be going into the clinic again , to see whats going on , on that note I better get my Monday started ...Take care and have a good one....And make sure as Pauls Mom says ......Wash your hands with warm soapy water!!!!!!!!!!!Love ya Tracie

Saturday, October 15, 2005 9:35 AM CDT

Good morning, Well we are all sick at our house colds, colds , colds...I was up all night because it hurt so bad to swallow, Matti was up crying and Paul didn't get alot of sleep either..
I did go to the Dr. yesterday and from what I can understand of what he said, Something its probably a virus and to drink Whiskey and you will be fine, I think thats all he said..
I should know better than to get medical help. Dr. B called yesterday and I talked to him about Abi and the fact that she can't shake this cold , He doesn't want to do anything right now..Okey dokey we will wait until it gets more into her lungs. I think I've decided I'm going to send a letter to the new Dr. we are going to see before we get there just so she knows how I feel about whats going on and how much we need her..
I was reading the journal back in April but I really had to stop those painful feelings are still real fresh for me..It hurts to read back over them, especially since the battle continues..Well the goal is to Pray for shaft..like Paul always says..Strength,Hope,and Faith,today....Love you guys.... I love what Jenny wrote , who better to say that then Mr. Rogers.......Be kind, Be kind Be kind...

Friday, October 14, 2005 8:58 AM CDT

I went to Abi's school again last night to talk with her teacher, Everyting was fine , she is having some issues with her writing but we know that she has issues with her hands.I really like her teacher I'm glad we will have her for two years.
I got to thinking about bullies last night what makes them and what part do parents play? I have to say I'm guilty of saying things sometimes , I call this lady crazy (not in a bad way but she just is) I know the kids have overheard me and so right there I'm being a bully, I don't mean to be but that is exactly what I am. Then I get upset because someone called Abi ugly!! Lets all band together and watch what we say because even though I meant it in a funny "she's crazy" way it is still name calling. If we are really going to stand behind this NO BULLIES rule at school I think it really starts at home.......
Have a great weekend everyone, we are going to get pumpkins tomorrow I'm like a little kid I love that...Extra prayers out for Nichole who is my pal in the war against "what the heck is wrong with my daughter".....Love all of you..You are a gift in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Tracie

Thursday, October 13, 2005 8:22 AM CDT

Being at the school yesterday was such a charge for me ..I loved it!! I want to be that Mom , the one who helps out is very pro-active, not just medically...The bad thing about working the book fair was that I kept giving kids money that were short or needed a quarter or a dollar, when you see thier little faces and know you have to tell them they don't have enough I just couldn't do it.........................
I saw alot of the Great people who make that school what it is (you know who you are)...Tonight I go back for conf. with Abi's teacher, When thinking about my goals for her I have one simple one - I want her to be able to function in school..
Last night was a little tough for her, all I know is she ate some pop rocks and cried for about an hour, not sure what happened there sometimes I know she just needs to cry, Then she said she didn't want to be alone and wanted to sleep with us. This morning before getting on the bus she hugged me tight and said "I'm really going to miss you today Mom", That about brought me to tears..She is my little sweetheart thats for sure.
I was telling her last night about how when she was a baby she slept all the time and how I think Daddy loved that because then he would hold her and he would get to sleep too...That was such a great time what an incredible gift she is to us...
We have been really blessed with all three of them.............
I kinda feel like today might just be okay (its early) but I just kinda feel like I might be the windshield instead of the bug..who knows..I hope all of you are the winshield today!!!!!Have a good one , please write I want to know your still there. (If you don't I will write to myself and you know how bad that looks)..Love ya all...Tracie

Wednesday, October 12, 2005 8:24 AM CDT

Talked with my therapist yesterday about how I feel so disconnected, Like a tree that has its roots outside of the dirt. I am still feeling alot of guilt, I look at the pictures of Abi before Christmas and I look at Her now and I can't help but feel responsible, I pushed for them to help her.. Then there's Matti, My staying with Abi for so long really has hurt her too...Lots of stuff to figure out..
I wonder if people go to therapy to find out how messed up you really are??I know I will be there for a while..I got a huge pile of __________ to work through.
Abi had her first headache that she's had in a while yesterday I think because after she got home she played outside and I think it was just too much.
Today I'm off to the book fair to volunteer I will try to pay attention, ha ha

I heard the best line from a song yesterday of course I have to share it with you.......................................
"When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, DANCE"
I loved that so lets all dance today.....I will if you will.........Love ya Tracie

Tuesday, October 11, 2005 8:55 AM CDT

Last night after I got home from the gym, Abi was so upset because she thought we were going to Culvers night, and we did'nt know we were. I told all my friends I would be there!!!I have to see Mrs. Cartwright and Mrs. Kessler, to make a long story short we went and it was worth it to see her face light up when she saw someone she knew and could wave at them..
As I am writing this it sounds like my upstairs is being torn down by extreme home makeovers, But its only Matti and Kaydee being the cute adorable little kids they are..Seems like peace is hard to come by these days, those two are soooooooo busy..
As the time gets closer to take Abi to the New Dr. I'm nervous with hope but anxious about disapointment, I haven't been able to concentrate too much, After sending my arm through the window last week, yesterday I backed the car into the fence, Paul asked How did you do that..I would of liked to said " The most amazing thing, as I was backing out some miracles were heading my way and not knowing they were coming I crashed right into them", But nope all I can say is I hit the fence..
Tomorrow I get to volunteer at the book fair, I'm so excited because I have never been able to help out so I can't wait to go and feel like a real parent..Hopefully I will get to see some of you there.
Take care make sure you do watch out for those miracles, welcome them don't back up into them....
Love ya Tracie

S

Monday, October 10, 2005 11:06 AM CDT

Well once again Matti is a pre-school drop out..I know now when we are out other parents will point thier fingers and say " Isn't that the little girl who is a drop-out?" just kidding
I just can't worry about it anymore I have this over-whelming guilt of leaving her for all that time I was with Abi, so instead of making her do something she is so strongly against I am going to take steps to help her heal instead...
Abi went back to school today, she was so excited I hope she has a really good day..She didn't have any pain over the weekend so that was great!!She was able to attend sunday school, I would of never guessed she would be doing all this a month ago..But she is Yea!!!!
Well I have alot to do because of a very busy weekend, So keep the faith everyone and enjoy the Day God has given us.........Like Nichole and I always say- We seem to always be waiting for the other shoe to drop! But if you look at it from a differant side, If you know the other shoe will drop isn't it best to welcome that? Just something to think about.....Peace-out...love ya Tracie

Thursday, October 6, 2005 9:13 PM CDT

Well the DR. today went fine, all we were there for was to check for strep and ear infections etc.. It was almost like we were normal..Our Dr. doesn't get back until Monday.
Abi didn't have strep but had quite a bit of fluid in her ear, that could easily turn into an infection. He didn't give her meds today but said He would be on call this weekend if things get worse. Abi is so ready to get back to school but don't feel to good about sending her tomorrow she is still coughing pretty hard and is getting pretty frequent head and neck aches, we will give it a go on Monday..I'm glad she loves being there.
Well now that I'm going to curves to workout ( really I go there to rest) I find myself too strong..Today while doing the job I dislike most , Changing the screens from our 100 year old windows to our storm windows
I somehow put my hand right through the glass, breaking the girls window and glass went everywhere, but the good news was God knowing how graceful I am and was there to watch over me because even though My hand was covered in glass I didn't have one cut , I assumed when I did it that I for sure lost a couple fingers but nope not one....Thank you God once again for watching my back...Of course my In-Laws came and saved the day..My Father in law is Bob the builder(thats what the girls call him).
Matti Matti Matti.....She will now start school Monday Morning (We hope). She was all excited and now she is starting to say How she has changed her mind..I know most of you out there are saying "Force her show her who's boss".
All I can say is I will try my best to get her to go BUT, Thats about it because I don't have it in me.....Thats the truth!!!!!!!She hasn't felt too good the last couple of days so she is probably getting what Abi has..
I have been feeling not so down the last couple of days, not sure if its the gym or the fact that I've been praying harder HMMMMMMM, Guess it really doesn't matter I will just enjoy it.
Extra prayers for My uncle Les, My Mom (she has some skin cancer she is having surgery on soon ).Lets just pray for anyone having any health issue..God may your love restore us and keep us strong in faith and in Health...Amen

Good-night and enjoy Friday (I know Paul does)...
P.S. If anyone would like to share some medical stuff with me and how you dealt with it e-mail me at my home e-mail pandt@mninter.net Thanks love ya all Tracie

Wednesday, October 5, 2005 8:57 AM CDT

Another rough night at the ranch, Ever since Abi's medicine has been lowered she has been screaming at night. Last night her head, stomach and throat hurt.. I called my Dr. this morning and he is gone for the week...bummer!! Tomorrow we will see Dr. M, the nurse said if for some reasonn her neck gets worse (It's really stiff) and she runs a fever go to the ER Hopefully we won't get there. I know she has a really bad cold, maybe even strep who knows...

Good news, Matti is willing to try pre-school again we are going to take her to the morning class, her two friends are in there and maybe that will make a differance..I'm going to start on Monday. We will seeeeeeee

I started a new workout program at curves and I have only been once but it has already lifted my spirits..I think it will be a real positive step for me..

Today is a gift ......Enjoy it, unwrap it ,and Thank God for it !!!!Have a great day...Enjoy the rain

Love ya Tracie

Tuesday, October 4, 2005 8:30 AM CDT

Abi is still home from school today, having some rough nights I'm sure her cold and sore throat aren't helping.
I've been feeling so overwhelmed the last couple of days, that happens, i've been there before and I know it will pass. It just seems everything is out of wack and not sure how to get my ducks back in a row. Things at home have been a little challenging to say the least...
I just repeat to myself....This too shall pass!!!

Don't really have much to say (Thats a switch) Take care and enjoy the rain...Love ya Tracie

Sunday, October 2, 2005 7:19 PM CDT

Pastor Glenn talked this week about a game at Chuckie Cheeses, The one with the gophers that keep poping up and you try to hit them, if that isn't my life, The gophers pop up I keep hitting them the faster I hit them the more they come out..Wow!!!
Abi has to get something to calm her down I'm not sure if its the medication or something else but she has got to slow down. I got so frustrated with her that I snapped and then she started crying and said I can't help it..Of course I felt terrible. I'm going to call Dr. B tomorrow..She had some pain this weekend as usual but also she has a bad cold, think I will keep her home tomorrow so it doesn't get worse.

Matti has been shall I say a MONSTER!!! Not sure what is going on there still but Maybe we all need medication.. Group discount.

Church was very busy today , still not used to the new space it is so big , I had a pretty overwhelming day but then I sat through the 11:30 service and that helped alot and I made it without crying my eyes out..(probably because I was too tired).

Can't you just tell by the feel of it that this week is going to be full of blessings? I can ,so enjoy them. It is even okay to think you deserve them...

I have also decided I want to write a childrens book about kids that are differant..I know it sounds funny but I really want to , I have felt so much watching Abi that I really have some good insight..oh well who knows its just a thought..
Love to all Tracie

Friday, September 30, 2005 8:20 AM CDT

The Dr. apt. with Dr. B went fine, I asked him if He was satisfied with where we were and if He was done? He said No we will keep doing what we are doing. He also told me not to get my hopes up too high waiting for the Oct. Apt. He feels chances are slim they will find out anything, I said I would keep the faith. How many times has someone said "This can't happen"? And then by the grace of God It does...I so believe that if we are open enough God gives us more than we will ever need, He does deliver......When someone tells me it probably won't , It pushes me harder to prove that they will...It's time...
They lowered Abi's medicine because she is so "Everywhere" She cannot calm down, it should be leveled in about a week so we can see if that will be enough to control her pain.
Matti is still not going to school, I have set up an apt. with Abi's phycologist to work with her , She felt it was important to find out why she is having so much anxiety and fear issues.

My therapy apt. went great this week, I'm really enjoying it,We talked about being open to Gods Gifts..Because the world around Me at times can be so overwhelming, Somedays the clouds cover the sun But the main this is to focus not how dark it is but to find some light no matter how dIM...

The prayer service for Liz the other night was very spiritual, I really felt God was there to be with that family. I couldn't stop thinking about how the house looks like every other house but there is so much inside. I was so glad I went..

Take care everyone, No matter how many doors close always know you can always kick them back open if you want to!!!Love ya ...keep on keepin on...Tracie

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 5:53 AM CDT

Today is a full one, Abi has an apt. with Her Phycologist and then Dr. B....I have my therapy apt. too, I'm lucky that its before so then I can work through some thoughts before I go. Tonight I go to pray for a little girl 14 who has had a long struggle with cancer. I remember I was so down one day on the way to get my hair done..Abi had just had her very first operation, I started talking about it with the stylist and the lady sitting next to me was Liz's Mom and she to had a daughter that had Dr.Nagib as a surgeon. I remember leaving that day feeling blessed that I was given the chance to meet her, what an incredible woman..Time went by and both our daughters changed, from time to time we would see each other at childrens hospital, It always seemed to me that it was by no accident. But tonight there is no place I would rather be then outside of this young girls house praying for her and her family..Prayer is one of the most powerful tools ever given to us...lets all use it...there is a pretty good chance that you do not know Liz and her family, but if you would pray for them..Thanks.................Count your blessings today..I bet you have alot....love ya

Monday, September 26, 2005 9:00 PM CDT

Today was another busy day , I'm trying to get the new church nursery ready and boy oh boy it is fun..I love it!!It is nice to have something positive to focus on. Matti and kaydee came with since Matti didn't go to school again .
Talked with Dr. B this morning,kind of concerned with Matti and Abi He said he would talk to me more when I see him with Abi on wed. , basically when I hung up I scrubed the oven and cried...overload I think was the problem..better now.

Abi came to me tonight and asked if she could tell me something? I said of course, she went on to explain to me how two girls in her class came to her and said so and so called you ugly because of your hair ..Abi told me it really hurt her feelings because she can't help it that its short..Then I asked her if she thinks she's ugly and she said No, I said then believe that not what someone said...But of course you would of thought someone stabbed me in the heart ouch!!I want to run to that school and tell that little girl do you know what she has been through, To even have her here at school is a miracle. Abi wishes so bad to have long black hair like a nurse she had in the hospital, I know thats a far dream , I really think she is self concious anyway and that is why she always wants to wear a scarf on her head..Paul was so great he told her next time someone says something to you say to them- Whats your point? Paul said they won't have one because they are just trying to be mean. Abi wanted to go talk to the principle but I said maybe start with your teacher.

Tonight I would like to pray for the little kids who feel they need to be mean , Help them to know that they are gifts of God. Please be with the little kids that may be differant protect thier little souls and Let them know God made them all to be who they are , wonderful..Let them not doubt thier self-worth for one single minute..And God please be with the parents of the children that are picked on and help us to guide them when we don't understand it ourselves..
Have a great night and hug your children tight before school tomorrow tell them how incredible they are!!!We are all gifts......love ya Tracie

Sunday, September 25, 2005 9:59 PM CDT

I came down here tonight and wrote one message and the more I thought about it , It wasn't how I was feeling at all, I try to keep this real even though I have no idea who reads it so all that being said.

I'm feeling pretty angry tonight..I feel angry because Abi has to ask me when her medicine will start working and she won't have headaches anymore..I feel angry that I have to tell her that her medicine won't stop her headaches but we will keep searching.......
I feel angry that Matti has had so much upset in her little life that she can't even enjoy preschool...
I feel angry that I can't fix everything and make things better for all of them.....
I feel angry that I can't sit through a church service without losing it completely....
I feel angry that we can't have our life back and the time we have missed ....
I feel angry that we have had to ask for every assistance program that has ever been established..because we are considered poverty.....
I'm angry because my daughters name has to stay on the prayers of healing list because She isn't well yet!!!
Sometimes its funny looking back , I remember finding out I was going to have a baby I couldn't breath for about a week. I remember telling Paul at dinner he didn't stop eating shrimp, I thought I was going to have to bring him in to get his stomach pumped...The moment I looked into Abi's eyes I knew she was perfect, and she is ..She has brought us so much joy..I just get so frustrated because I can't get her well...I know turn it over to God, Let Go and Let God, I know all that and believe it ..But week after week its like I'm waiting for an important letter or a sign or a yellow glow from the sky to guide me, or someone from the show touched by an angel. But the waiting I have to tell you is rough..I personally do not care for it..In the meantime I have to figure out whats wrong with the other kids because of the trauma they have gone through..Its hard fixing them when I'm trying to fix myself...Anyway...sorry I had to dump all this but if you've been with me for the long haul you know this is how I am....But I do know God is at work because I felt that today when someone stopped me at church to let me know she reads this and cares..and prays for us..to me that is God saying he's there too...Thank you for that...

I think from what we go through in life it's okay to be angry, it's okay to say I'm really sick of this!!! I'm not saying I want to change my life I just want a some greener grass...In therapy she made a very good point..she said it sounds to me like everyone in your house is always trying to put bandaids to stop the bleeding but there are so many cuts that we just continuously keep putting them on and haven't been able to stop...To me that meant we haven't started healing...because we haven't gotten to the point where we are able to. so we just keep covering up the boo boos...
She also asked me if I'm angry at God, I could honestly say No..A long time ago Pastor Glenn explained to me about How God never said life would be a bed of roses But the Great part is he will walk with us through the thorns. I know my God would never want a child or a family to go through this..But I do know , even though this waiting thing is a pain..I know for a fact God has never once left my side..never once...and He never will......
Thanks for letting me vent...Love ya Tracie

Sunday, September 25, 2005 8:34 PM CDT

Saturday, September 24, 2005 8:11 AM CDT

Taking a couple days off.....Talk to you soon love Tracie

Thursday, September 22, 2005 9:00 AM CDT

Can I start by saying WOW what a storm that was...It blew our front door open....Mother nature is Mad about something!!!!

Yesterday went Great my therapy was wonderful, I saw My therapist and knew right away it was a perfect match..She is a solution finder and when she said that I knew she was the one for me..She could tell that we had gone through alot of sadness and that I stii carry alot of that around,I won't go on and on but It was Great!!!!Thank you God...
If anyone would like to know the name and # of the clinic e-mail me and I will give it to you..

Matti cried when we took her yesterday, kicked screamed the whole nine yards, I asked the teachers what should I do and they said we can handle it if you want to leave, They are really great and I know the both so I decided to leave, It was hard to hear her screaming as I walked down the hall, But I knew it was the best thing for her in the long run. When going to pick her up the teacher said she did fine after just a little while..We will see how it goes on Friday.

Abi seemed to do okay at school yesterday but had pain issues when she got home. I feel bad that she has to include in her wishes at night when we look at the stars, I wish for no more headaches,I hope for that wish myself.
Take care Gods blessings to you all...Love ya Tracie

Thursday, September 22, 2005 9:00 AM CDT

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 8:59 PM CDT

Here I am for another nightly journal entry.
The day went pretty smooth if you don't count the puppy going pee pee everywhere and Kaydee throwing dirt all over the kitchen floor from outside and Matti having 2000 time-outs, yep it was a pretty quiet day.Being a stay-at-home-mom is a breeze, Now I see why Daycare centers were invented.ha ha just kidding I love being home I really do there is really no place I'd rather be...
Abi's teacher e-mailed me again this morning telling me that Abi had to go to the Nurse again for Neck pain, The nurse tried to get her to lay down for a while but she did'nt want to. I think she is pushing herself too hard and playing too hard I just hope it doesn't progressivley cause her to be unable to attend school,she doesn't understand that she needs to slow down. She hasn't been able to get through dinner the last couple of nights because of pain she's had to go lay down and take medicine. She has also had several bladder accident which is so not like her either. I choose to do nothing at this point but I will watch and see how this all plays out, then we may have to go in to see the Dr. sooner than what we are scheduled.
I know you guys probably get sick of hearing the same old stuff over and over , try living it I know I'm sick of it too. Just stick with me ,if anything It is nice to know your there, I want us all to share in that champagne toast when we get to the bottem of all this....
Matti is off to preschool tomorrow I hope it goes okay I know she is scared,she reminds me of me..When I was going to school the bus would come My poor Mom would have to pry my hands off the refridgerator door because I did'nt want to leave I gave her some good battles..I just always wanted to stay home where I was safe , I still feel like that now.. I'm a Home Person..The world can get pretty scary, its a shame most kids have to learn that at such an early age.
Well I'm off to therapy tomorrow, Boy Pauls been really nice to me since he found out I was going, I think he feels I'm going to talk about him..Ha Ha just kidding Paul..
I think Paul is one of the most incredible people I've ever met..Just for example- from the first day we met I can't remember one time he hasn't returned a grocery cart to the proper area!!!He even will take it back up by the store..
Wow, I know I pick on him alot but I could of never imagined myself with someone as terrific and genuine as Him. He has made me complete thats for sure..It is so great to see all the things I love about him In Abi , she is so much like him it's scary...I think Matti and Kaydee are all me Watch out world..ha ha
There is someone special I'm going to pray for tonight but I will not share Her name because I don't know if she would want that. This lady Gives and gives and gives and loves like no'one I have ever seen, she has given me alot of strength and love thats for sure now I want to send Her some,I just can't believe someone who loves so strongly with her heart could have trouble with it..Please God be with Her and Her family..Just hold Her and pamper her and let her know your there..We are all there!!!
God could you also be with Abi give her the extra strength she might need and let her know its okay and to not be scared.
GOD could you also be with Matti and let her know she is safe and loved and she can be a 5 year old and not be so worried..
One more thing God could you please let Kaydee not kill our puppy..Thank you Amen..

Goodnight and have a day where you enjoy the little things instead of letting them pass waiting for the big ones..Love Ya Tracie

Monday, September 19, 2005 9:39 PM CDT

Tonight is one of those nights were I'm deep in the should I call the Dr. should I wait etc....Abi has been really dizzy tonight she says it feels like she is on a ride. Am I worried ? Yes ..But here is the catch the thing we always deal with the heartbreak of the whole situation..There is no'one to fix this !!I could call Dr. B but then what ????I could drive Abi and I down to childrens hospital and drive back with NO answers like I always do..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I guess I will wait (There's that word again) and see what tomorrow brings. I used to sit and pray that Abi would have symptoms so the Doctors could figure this out, but after a while I stopped that because we would get the symptoms but No answers..If she wants to I will let her go to school tomorrow but of course I will wait by the phone just in case. I made it sound like her medicine was probably causing her dizziness so she wouldn't get scared. I told her if tomorrow at school she gets dizzy she must go to the nurse right away..and hopefully she would call me.

Matti would not go to preschool today she started crying at lunch and couldn't stop , so I didn't make her go I just held her for a little while then she seemed okay. I told her we would try again wed. I think the fire drill they had really made her pretty insecure of her surroundings.

I called to get in for therapy today, and after hearing my situation in a nutshell, I heard alarms going off and people saying get her in right away!!! Just kidding, anyway I go wed. morning so we will see, Instead of an hour I probably should of taken a week. I wonder if I get to lay down and they sit in a chair and write stuff while saying' Yes I hear you, how did that make you feel?

I have wonderful news to report, it just makes my heart sing when I think about it...Little Sophia is going to preschool tomorrow , I am so proud of her Mom what an inspiration she is..I know it will be hard to let her go but Sophia will Love it I bet...If you could say some prayers for her and her family I just really want the day to go well...Sophia is such a blessing to this world..Abi was so excited by the news she typed her an e-mail..

I will just end on that good note, Ya know life reminds me of the time me and the girls and my Mom went to the beach on Rice street. We first arrived and the girls were so excited they couldn't wait , I on the other hand noticed all the Bird poop everywhere. The girls ran into the water and Mommie dearest spent the first hour scooping up poop. I finally realized what was important and jumped in the water to enjoy it too.. As adults it seems we have to be so on guard especially as far as our kids go..wouldn't it be nice to just put down the poop scooper and enjoy life ..Love you all - Tracie

Focus on the blessings

Sunday, September 18, 2005 8:54 PM CDT

Hello,
I haven't written in a while It was kind of a busy weekend.
Abi is all set up for the school 504 plan, The meeting went great and I think it will really help her mainly in the motor skills and physical area..That school could not be better, What a great group of people . For once I felt like I acomplished something that will actually make Abi's life easier for her..
I talked with Dr. B about Abi's legs, He felt that the frequent use of motrin might be the cause, but to keep an eye on her in case there's nose bleeds , blood in her stool etc...
So now we are suppose to give her tylenol, I'm afraid it will not work as well but we will see.
I really feel like Abi is back to the stage we were in Dec. before her operation,she is off balance very aloof and seems to have to hold on to walls etc.. when she walks sometimes, mornings and evenings are particually bad. So what did we acomplish ? nothing !!!But we added new problems...I hate to admit that but its so true...I am so ready to move forward..Don't get me wrong I am grateful that she can go to school and I am grateful she has mild pain instead of major pain but there are times I just want it to be Fixed !! I don't think its wrong to think that , just human.
Abi was telling me how people at school call some girls fat and other things, I tried to explain why but In my own head I don't really know, why do little kids want to hurt other little kids how can that make them more or less of a person...I asked her if people are mean to her she said not yet, I hope I don't have to go up there dressed as a bush and hide on the playground, I'll do it though, ha ha ...

Matti cried the whole time at pre-school on Friday, her teacher Katie said they almost called me to come get her..I so hope tomorrow goes okay, I don't want her to be unhappy there.
We got twins tickets through a organization that deals with childrens hospital and boy did we have fun we were pretty high up so that made me a little nervous because of Abi, But she loved it . She wanted to catch a baseball so bad but I tried to explain to her how fast they shoot up there, she didn't care she wanted one . We ate hot dogs and cotton candy and most important really connected as a family..we need more days like that.It was great!!!I think Abi would like to go again for sure.
As far as my therapy update, I found out from a friend the name of a therapist and I will be calling to set up an apt.tomorrow. I really can't wait to go, I really think It will be good for me to unload a little bit. My grocery cart is full and I know I will be shopping alot more..I don't know why people act like asking for help is a weakness , why is that? Why wouldn't that mean your strong..Who doesn't need someone to listen? We all are always so busy with Life , How often do we listen..Not enough I don't think........God make me a better listener close my mouth so I might hear what I may be missing.....Help tomorrow not be a day when I drive fast or rush my children or not take time to notice the wonderful place around me..Just for Monday let me know that nothing is more important than the day, after all I will never have the same day again.....Pastor Tracie is going to bed..Have a GREAT Monday...Look up in the sky and know how loved you are.......Thanks for hanging out...Tracie

Thursday, September 15, 2005 9:21 PM CDT

I'm trying to go over in my head things I need to bring up tomorrow at the school meeting, to set up Abi's 504 plan.
I talked with her to see where she feels she might need help,of course her reply was I'm very wobbly sometimes but I can do what everyone else can when I'm like that...(my heart just sank to hear that because why ,why does she have to be like that!! I can't imagine going through life feeling like I'm on a fair ride..)She also mentioned that she feels a little behind in math, I could kind of tell that by school work that has come home. I asked about her hands and if they get tired,she said she always does what Mrs. Kessler taught her and it helps her finish..(By the way we love Mrs. Kessler, who doesn't). So anyway I think tomorrow is a great thing and I'm looking forward to meeting with all of them.
Abi mentioned she fell off the jungle gym today and landed on her bottem, as a Mom I wanted to say can't you just sit on the bench and be safe and wait for playtime to be over, but of course I couldn't, I just look forward to her getting off the bus in the afternoon and thats all I can do...besides pray alot...

I called Dr. B today but never recieved a call but I can always hound him tomorrow. I wasn't home alot I spent the best day with my Mom today, I thank God that she is so close....
Matti cried again tonight for about an hour , I think I had better call her metabolic Dr. to see if maybe something is going on with her , she may have to go in for some bloodwork, she just hasn't been herself at all not sure if its because of school, she just seems so tired...

I'm actually in a pretty good place right now, I seem to have pulled up my pants put on my boots and hopped on the horse of life once again..I always wear my gloves when I ride because it is always a bumpy ride...
I am just waiting hoping that our help and answers will come in October..All of you know how I loveeeeeee to wait...

Dear God it is so not fair that so many children have to Deal with what they are dealt, please wrap your arms around them and let them feel your love, Also be with the parents that constantly struggle to make things right and better for them..Help us to know we may not find our answers when we feel we need them, but when it is time and help us to grasp that we may never find them at all.........Amen.....Goodnight ..thanks for hanging on with me....I can tell your there..Love Tracie

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 10:02 PM CDT

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!
Do you ever have those days where you feel your face to face with one of those machines that shoots out tennis balls at a full speed ? Well welcome to my Wednesday....I really feel sometimes they should film our family and have High schoolers view it and it would be the best Birth control EVER!!!!
Well between car repairs and puppy poop and Matti crying ALOT, and Kaydee trying to pull off Lola's tail , it has been a endless day..

Abi did report to me she had to go to the nurse today because of a headache , but she was able to finish the day so thats good. Her teacher even e-mailed me to let me know, I thought that was great..I asked her if Abi is clumsy or falls alot just something to explain all the bruising on her legs..
Today was fire drill day for Matti and Abi so they both always get pretty shook up after that, not sure why..Abi was asking to stay home or if I could bring her to school,I explained to her that she is in good hands. We even practiced our own fire drill I'm embarresed to say we never have, I told the girls and Paul we will do that once a month from now on...Matti has been getting sooo tired on school days, she comes home and her little body can't handle it. She cried on and off all evening, finally tonight I crawled in her bed and held her because she had been going straight for an hour, finally she feel asleep.
Everyday I wake up I feel like a race horse in line up, will I come out good and win the race or will I trip on the gate and finish last..at least I have a 50/50 chance...
Well may the sun shine on you tomorrow, may you shed a tear but only for joy, may you see yourself as the incredible person that you are,and may you know that whatever good comes your way you deserve it !!! Love ya Tracie

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 8:32 AM CDT

The morning started about the same, Abi woke up and was up for a while and got a headache so I gave her motrin and she said it still hurt when she was leaving but she still wanted to go.

I got news from the school that they approved a 504 plan for Abi , so I meet with them on Friday morning . I feel the 504 will be a good thing to have in place.

The girls are already fighting this morning that is such a nice thing to wake up to, I try and guzzle my two cups of coffee in before they get up so I can have a jump out of the gate. Paul has been feeling pretty run down lately , I don't think he has been sleeping very well, The only reason I know that is because I haven't.
I have to share with you one of the most incredible things I have ever seen. Last night around 3am I took Lola outside and I looked up and the sky was a deep blue and all the stars were so bright, to be honest I have never seen a sparkle like that before. The girls and I always name the stars because we know they are people we love who are in heaven (We have special stars for Grandpa rehpohl, Grandma Gillund , My Dad, Dick our nieghbor, Baby Alex, Bill (Pj's husband),Uncle Larry, Pastor Glenns daughter, Becky's Dog, Lizzie our cat) They are all there and boy last night reminded me what a great and wonderful place they are in. It is amazing when you stop to smell the roses the things you see and experience, God promised us all that if only we take advantage of it.. Have a Good day and notice some of Gods greatness ...love ya Tracie

Monday, September 12, 2005 9:27 PM CDT

There is one song everytime I hear it I think of Abi, it is our song. I can't listen to it without the tears rolling down my face , but in a differant way it heals me too..I went on line yesterday and got the words I would like to share it with you....

Title: In my daughters eyes
Artist: Martina McBride

In my daughter's eyes, I am a hero.
I am strong an'wise
And I know no fear.
But the truth is plain to see:
She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I wanna be, In my daughter's eyes.

In my daughter's eye's , everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace.
This miracle God gave to me ,
Gives me strength when I am weak.
I find reason to believe, in my daughters eyes.

An' when she wraps her hand around my finger,
Oh, it puts a smile in my heart.
Everything becomes a little clearer.
I realise what life is all about.
It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough;
It's givin' more when you feel like givin' up.
I've seen the light: It's in my daughters eyes.

In my daughter's eyes, I can see the future.
A reflection of who I am,
An' what will be.
An' though she'll grow an, someday leave:
Maybe raise a family,
When I'm gone I hope you'll see,
How happy she made me,
For I'll be there, in my daughter's eyes.

Have a good day...love ya Tracie...Wow I have alot to be thankful for....
Extra prayers go out for a wonderful Man ..My uncle Les..Who's having some tests done today...Thank you..

Sunday, September 11, 2005 9:17 PM CDT

I have to say this time of the night can be the best time or the worst time, good because everyone is asleep and its quiet or bad because everyones asleep and its quiet.
Abi woke up last night crying in pain , that hasn't happened too much, seems like it is more and more now..I really hate to see that , She seems to be doing so good in school so far..Please God keep her able to be there...I found out the other day that Abi gets to be in Girl scouts with her friends, she is sooo happy thats all she's wanted for a while now , I'm so glad it worked out...I think she will make a great scout ( like her Mother).
Abi has lost weight and has a considerable amount of bruising on both her legs, I mean little marks everywhere..she doesn't remember getting any of them there must be twenty..not sure how concerned I should be, I guess I can wait three weeks until we see Dr. B , hopefully her weight will pick up she is at 51 pounds right now..
Matti has been acting out so badly pushing Abi, crying alot and just really not being herself, Today I looked outside and she grabbed Abi and threw her down, I almost couldn't believe it..Not sure if its a school transition thing or what but I guess we will see if it fades in time, I hope so..
Kaydee's just kaydee she hasn't tried to kill the puppy lately so she's fine..ha ha
Paul hasn't been real happy with me because he says I talk more to all of you then I'm willing to tell him..It frustrates him to have to read how I'm feeling instead of me telling him..Thats understandable I guess...I just feel like I'm not good at being the weak one the one who says I'm sad hug me etc...I feel like I have to have my game face on and move forward...I'm the one with the BIG bottle of elmers trying to glue everyone back together so we will all be well and happy and the family that is hanging on the wall..(Abi colored a picture of all of us standing by a castle with big smiles on our faces holding hands , we have it hanging up its our mission statement). I guess its more of a goal...
right now anyway....
I really do understand sometimes people just get into a fog, a fog that you just are in and you float around not feeling too much one way or the other , Thats where I am today..I'm not Happy but not sad I just AM....It reminds me of footprints in the sand , I see one set and wonder where are you God ? the whole time he was carrying me ..I love that, God lifts us up , and doesn't put us down until we say we are ready, even then He's still there just to make sure...Wow what a deal is that.
God Loves Me for Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Have a great Monday..know you are loved....Tracie
P.S. I love you Paul --I couldn't have gone through one step of this without knowing you were by my side..We have a Life we wouldn't of picked but a life we would never give back..
I look forward to sitting by you when we are old holding hands laughing about how messed up things used to be and how strong we are for it..xoxoxo

Friday, September 9, 2005 9:07 AM CDT

This is the day the Lord has made let us REJOICE in it !!That is my job for today, to be joyous....we will see how long it will last...Yesterday was pretty tough, not sure if it was because Kaydee threw Lola down the basement stairs or because Matti was playing -lets do the opposite of what Mommy says....
So today is a new day ..I have to say it helps with my seperation anxiety I drop Matti off and say see ya !!!Just kidding (kind of) Matti's Teacher Katie is so great I couldn't be putting her in better hands...
Abi almost did'nt make the bus this morning her head was hurting pretty bad I gave her motrin and she layed down right up until the bus came. She loves school so much I told her I could take her in an hour or so and she said she would be okay , The strength that child has is just a miracle to me...She really likes her new teacher and she still visits her old ones that will always be so special to all of us because of the love and support they were so willing to give during Abi's hospital stays...Take care today and remember be joyous and stop and smell the roses...Love ya Tracie

Thursday, September 8, 2005 7:39 AM CDT

Good Morning, Abi was up most the night with leg pain..and this morning I had to bring the puppy in to wake her up because she was so sleepy..Of course she had the usual morning headache and was given her medicine so hopefully she will be ready to go by the time the bus gets here..
I talked with Dr B yesterday and he said we will let it ride and see how the next couple of weeks play out, He wants to check her in a couple weeks because of her leg issues..Last night Abi was walking around like she was dizzy very dependent on the furniture and walls of course we ask are you okay and she always says I'm fine, she is so afraid we will keep her from school...I hope the apt. with the Gillette Nuerologist will prove to be the miracle answer we have been searching for , if not we will keep on going...I am working on getting a 504 plan going at school so that there will be a plan in place...in the mean time Abi and I say a prayer together in the morning and I kiss her hand and she takes all that with her..Have a good day and keep those eyes and ears open for its raining Gods love and blessings today...love ya Tracie

Tuesday, September 6, 2005 7:23 PM CDT

Today was yet another busy day of apts. Abi had her phycologist apt. to help her deal with things that are going on or pain issues etc...she really loves going there so I'm all for it.
I tried to get a hold of Dr. B today but he was rounding at the hospital. I kind of want to know what the plan is , Abi is getting a couple headaches a day , but seems to be functioning in school good. She got one the other day on the way home because she had to sit in the back of the bus and it was bumpy but other than that they are mostly in the morning and evenings.
I have to apologize about my entry yesterday, I have been feeling a little down and I just had to be honest with you because I have been so far , Thats me What you see is what you get , I'm not going to hide things because I feel I will be judge, because I want you to go on the whole journey with me...I think we all have times when you can be in a crowd and just feel like you are the only one in there , thats how I feel I'm just sad, don't know why at this stage of the game I am but I am and Thats okay and I give myself permission to feel...I think even the strongest people in the world have to say I'm WEAK right now That makes us human. I have been holding the end of the tug-a-war rope for so long I just have to let go for a while. I feel emotionally checked-out, my library card has expired , My diet coke of life is empty, my credit card is overdrawn, my spring has sprung, okay you get the idea...I'll be alright but I will do that by taking care of ME (Hard to believe I know) Who? You myself??Thats probably unheard of but in our house we are all spent , so I can't get taken care of here so my plan is to go talk with someone , Hey its working for Abi....Sometimes it helps to step out of a situation and have it looked at by someone who does that kind of thing.....Tonight I will tell God I'm weak and I need your help and the GREAT part is he will pick me up and he loves me NO MATTER WHAT!!!! I love that..Best things in life are free , My Dad used to say Tracie Nothing is free in this world well , He was wrong Gods love is free and we can all afford it .. Take care Remember talk to God He cares..and he is a good listener !!!What more do we woman want a Guy who loves us listens to us but can't TALK , thats priceless..Ha ha Love ya Tracie

Monday, September 5, 2005 10:11 AM CDT

Went early to church on Sunday because I thought I would catch the 8 o'clock service before working in the nursery. The sermon was about turning over something that you've done or something in you that you need to get rid of. We were asked to write it down on a square of cloth that they handed out then you would put it in a bowl of water on your way out after communion. Turning it over to God was the point..
I lasted a few minutes before the tears started rolling down my face, on my square I put guilt and believe me I just put it down and didn't even question myself. I guess I have been holding myself responsible for all the pain the hurt that Abi has been going through , with each proceedure and painful operation its me who signs the paper that says go ahead, its me who sets everything up, its me who drives the car to the hospital and I feel like its me who has to fix this mess that I've gotten her in now with the head pain....What kind of monster puts her child through something like this?????? I never realized how much of this I hold inside..I ended up skipping communion for the pure fact that I couldn't sit there any longer. I know this is just something I have to work through and I will talk to God about...
Abi is doing good she seems to be having more headaches but we are able to control them so far...
Dear God help me to understand Why....and be with our family and keep our foundation strong....Thanks for letting me share..Love ya Tracie

Thursday, September 1, 2005 8:21 PM CDT

Well day one DONE......Abi had a great day at school , she got off the bus ran and hugged me and said " I didn't need any medicine today". You would of thought she won the Olympics by the way we hugged and cheered. She saw lots of people and got lots of hugs and had just a super day..Thank you God...
Today when she left I cried like a baby, I went to let the puppy out and when I came back Matti was standing by the screen door crying too...Kaydee all day would hear a car and say Abi's home !!!!Abi has really been the focus of our family for a while now that she is gone part of the day its weird..
I even went in her room looked on her bed and saw Kelly her doll I even grabbed her and cried...I know I know pull it together...Great now I have to go through it all over again tomorrow..
Matti's first day of preschool is tomorrow but we stay in there with them and then drop them off next time. Thanks to all of you who called me today to check on my mental status, I'm doin just fine...Paul called about 6 times, I think he was afraid I would be at school sitting in the car wearing a big nose and glasses costume so no'one would know me...ha ha ..Well not today Honey but there's always tomorrow....Have a great night...I really do believe that even in a world where there is so much sadness, It's okay to be happy and go to sleep knowing your blessed....Tonight I will do just that because for a day Abi was 7..........................Luv ya

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 8:47 PM CDT

First off I would like to add extra prayers for the people who have been in that terrible hurricane, they have lost everything..It really makes you sit back take a breath and hit your knees with appreciation..Thank you God for what I have let me not complain for one minute about gas prices, going to work , or any thing that I should be darn well grateful for...Also little prayers for a little baby in Columbia there's a family here who wants her but she is having problems please pray for Ava.....

I must say meet and sweat went very well...ha ha it was hot in that school the way I am I would last a minute (even with no hair). Abi was a little set back when her first best friend she ever had wouldn't give her the time of day , she had colored two pictures before we left for two of her good friends one little girl just kind of said Thanks, the other Thank goodness loved it and smiled big as she usually does...I know that made Abi feel alot better to see that.
I know it will be a hard transition for her and all of us..everyone kept saying to her oh you are going back to school? We were on our way to her eye apt. and all of a sudden after complaints of a headache earlier , she just broke down and started crying (hard) I asked her why are you in pain? she just said no I just have to cry !!!She was crying so hard I decided to blow off the apt. and go back home , she cried the whole way back and once we stopped I hugged her but she didn't want to talk about it. Later on she told me she is worried about her head and how it will probably make it to where she can't go to school, because it will hurt and it is starting to hurt again more and more.
I told her to just continue to be excited and I will take care of the worries stuff because thats what Moms do best worry about thier kids..So she laughed and went to bed.......I know this is a trial run and with any trial it just may not work, then we unfortunatly will probably have to go back to surgery..But like I always say Gods in charge and I'm just the crazy Mom that sometimes thinks she should be...I do wish Paul was going to be here tomorrow because It will KILL me to put her on that bus...I cry thinking about it..Dear God be with Abi and give her your arms to hold her tight, let her know she can do this ....Let me know I can too....................................................
Well I guess its time to go and pretend like I will be able to sleep..In my prayers tonight I will include all of your babies too, and for God to bring them home safe and sound...

Hanging in there..Good night.....love ya all...Tracie

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 2:37 PM CDT

Well we are about ready to go to meet and greet at school, for a moment I feel like a regular Mom. I know I will like Abi's teacher because they are all so great at her school..And the principle is amazing...Abi is so excited I want this year to go so well for her ..she needs that, so do we.
It will be hard the first couple of weeks to let her go but I will and it will be okay..The house isn't the same without her.
We all have such bad colds right now or allergies, not sure which..Abi and I have it really bad..hope to get rid of it soon.
Matti starts preschool on Friday, she will go three days a week , I always get a little nervous about her because she can be a little firecracker. I found out today she kissed our new little boy neighbor, she came running in the house yelling it she was so proud, (His mother wasn't I don't think) I asked her why she did it her reply was "I just wanted to give him some lovin". Oh my Gosh, I had to e-mail Paul right away...ha ha
I will have to keep watch over that blossoming romance...
Have a great week of school and I pray everyone has a smooth transition...God please keep watch over our babies while we are apart know how very much we need them..Bye for now..Tracie

Monday, August 29, 2005 6:49 PM CDT

Today was a great day ! Just when you think you've met all the amazing people in the world, God introduces you to more..we met four people like that today...
Tomorrow is meet and greet I know Abi is so scared she will be at school and get a bad headache, She already has a plan to go to the nurses office she informed me she has a bed in there that she can use. I'm scared too..but thats where the trust comes in, right God ?
Okay so my hair is alot better today I think it grown a little ,I could almost use a brush..When I go to meet and greet tomorrow they are going to think I'm Abi's Father...No just a Mom with a bad haircut...Good thing I have my winning personality and nice smile...ha ha
Wed. Abi has an apt. with the eye specialist hopefully he will say the glasses have helped her eyes from not moving in so much, we will hope for that. Abi has been such a trooper to wear them every minute she says they really help her to focus better.
She had some neck pain today but mainly leg stuff still having walking issues with that right leg. I can't wait for the day when all I have to talk about is my bad hair...
The puppy is doing good I did clean up a couple poops this morning thats always fun..good thing our rug is shot already
or it would be worse..It is amazing how much we love her already She has become such a big part of our family..
Tonight I will think about all the goodness in this world, and so many gifts ....I remember Abi when she was in preschool and a little boy hit her on the head , when I picked her up from class she was just in tears....The next day we talked about it and she said " That little boy is probably like the Grinch mean on the outside but I know he has a big heart, cause we all do right Mommy"? I do believe she was right......Have a good night love ya Tracie...............Thank you God for my family

Sunday, August 28, 2005 8:55 PM CDT

Here I am once again , It has been a busy weekend...Abi and I sat and looked through her school supplies today and she was soooo excited to write her name on her stuff and I think to feel like a regular child for a change. She has had more frequent pain lately and I'm not sure why but I will pray that she gets a chance for a good start at school. I know when I see her little face get on that bus I will cry because she is so thin and It is going to be hard to have trust that she will be okay without me..I have watched over her so close for so long , But I will pray and pray hard for her...And me too, to be able to let go...
I hope to hear something from Dr. Nagib on Monday , I don't know why I think they will open the magic door ..come on Tracie get a clue..Things arent that easy this is your life we are talking about...ha ha
We all went today for a haircut all 5 of us , it went really well except I went right after Paul and I think she gave me a man cut too because all I know is I went in with bangs and came out with a deeper voice and an urge to go in the Army...Kaydee loved her hair it was her first professional cut and she kept telling all of us how pretty she was ..I could use a little of her self esteem..we find kisses all over the house on the mirrors Tvs etc...because she loves to kiss herself..oh well....
Abi kept looking through hair books telling the lady how she wanted her hair..the only problem these woman in the pictures had hair down past thier shoulders and Abi still doesn't have too much..I told her it would take just a little while, she misses how her hair used to be back when she wore a bob cut...Well i am so tired I can't hardly see so I better sign off.. I have a good feeling about tomorrow do you feel it??? God probably has great stuff in store for us ya think..I hope so ...Smile alot tomorrow and make people think it's Friday !!!Love Ya Peace-out

Tracie......Start signing in I would love to hear from you...Are you still out there ????

Wednesday, August 24, 2005 7:51 AM CDT

As usual we are having trouble with Dr. Nagibs office , called yesterday to speak with Jill just like she told me to do, and someone else called back and said it could be several weeks before we hear anything ..Dr. Nagib will mail you a letter...WHAT !!! Thats a load of puppy poo...So I will do what I always do call and tell Dr. B and I know he will take care of it...He told me if for some reason they do not find anything on the MRI or cat scan he will try and get us into Gillette to see DR. Wycal sooner, because he is concerned about her leg always falling asleep..So are we...

Abi had her first bad headache yesterday she had to come in from being outside and lay down for a while..of course they are going to get bad now because I just started feeling a tiny bit comfortable about sending her to school..

I have not had a very good week at first I thought I had allergies now I know I'm just sick. And as we all know in Mother terms there is no such thing as time off you have to plug along. It was great yesterday because my mommy was over , no'one takes care of me like her....You are never too old to need your mom...somehow she makes everything better....

Kaydee and Matti have been such a handful , I don't know what is going on with that . Matti is either crying or laughing..Kaydee is yelling or telling people what to do..
I just feel pretty run down..and I still feel overwhelmed with a full plate of tasks....I'm sure we all feel like that this time of year..

Thanks for listening to me ...boo hoo boo hoo....
Have a good day and keep those eyes and arms open for Gods greatness I will...if you will.....
Love ya Tracie

Monday, August 22, 2005 9:54 AM CDT

Still waiting to hear test results, I will let you know. I called first thing this morning but haven't heard back yet.
Yesterday I was taking a nap (I never do that but I am sooooo tired,I havent been sleeping good) Abi I guess was looking around the house and couldn't find me all I heard as I woke up was her crying really hard, My first thought was that she hurt herself, so I called out to her and the next thing I know she's hugging me saying she thought I was dead !!! Why on earth would she think that..So last night she was still scared by the whole experience that we let her sleep with us. I felt so bad for her..we talked about death a little bit and I think she feels better today...
I feel pretty overwhelmed by school stuff and work and home and new puppies ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I know it will all work out one breath at a time....
Dear God let me know you are with me today help me to notice the greatness around me and not be so blinded by STUFF....
Take care everyone ...love ya Tracie

Saturday, August 20, 2005 10:41 AM CDT

Hello Everyone..Well the birthday party for Matti was a success and fun was had by all..Abi had a good time had little headaches but not bad at all..She did wake up crying this morning in pain and wanted medicine and to come in our bed, but after just a short while she was fine.
Still didn't hear from the doctor yesterday, I really don't know if thats good or bad..Why is it taking them so long to call? I did'nt want to call because I did'nt want to know..
When the party was approaching I couldn't believe how out of it I was I spent the whole day Thursday walking around not knowing what to do or where to begin..Its funny how out of touch I still am ..luckily I was able to pull myself together by Friday evening. I think I don't realize the toll all this stress has had on me..all of us..I know wa wa waaaaaaa!!
Anyway I didn't sleep last night because everyone was having bad dreams etc...oh yea and the puppy I really think I have post-partum depression..OVERWHELMED!!!!we love her though but I don't think I knew how much work was involved..Kaydee loves to pick her up and drop her,Kind of like Matti when we brought Kaydee home. Well things will work out and at night I will hit my knees like I always do and yell..HELP GOD!!!
(I really don't do that everynight).Have a good weekend and know that you all are prayed for too....Love Tracie

Friday, August 19, 2005 4:31 AM CDT

Hi everyone. It's me Paul. I will be taking over duties on the page today. Tracie is a little busy planning a birthday party for Matti.
Today is August 19th, which means a couple of things. 5 years ago our little Matti decided to come in to the world. In fact, if I remember it right, Tracie woke me up in the middle of the night to go to the hospital. "It's time to go Paul" she said. I asked "How far apart are the contractions?" She replied "3 minutes." Nedless to say, the drive to the hospital did not take very long. It was 30 miles away and I made it in less than 15 minutes. Matti has been a joy and the most stubborn little girl in the world. I wonder where she gets that from? She is smart, fun and full of love. We love you Matti!!!!!!!!!

10 years ago Tracie and I stared out on an adventure that we will never forget. I know that finding your "soul mate" is an old cliche, but in this case it is true. I am the lucky one out of the two of us. Not a day goes by that I thank God for that clean/control freak came in to my life. I could ramble on about how great she is, but I don't have enough room. Anyway, I figured out a count down for the last ten years.
Between evryone in our family:
We have been married 10 years
had 9 jobs
about 8,000 diapers
7 surgeries
moved 6 times
spent about 5 months in the hospital
had 4 cars
3 girls
lived in 2 states
had 1 love and 1 faith
I am going try to put pictures on the site today or tomorrow
Have a great day,
Paul

Thursday, August 18, 2005 8:49 AM CDT

Abi did really well yesterday, she layed in that MRI tube for over an hour , I really don't know how she does it .
After that came the cat scan and then an x-ray to check to see if her shunt setting got changed by the magnet MRI and of course it did so we waited for them to come adjust that and then she had two more x-rays to confirm it was right..Boy oh boy that was a long day we got home after six..never once did she complain , her spirit is like nothing I have ever seen..What a blessing she is to us..I just thank God everyday for her.
Well tomorrow is Matti's 5th birthday..what a blessing that is too!!!Of course she wanted a Cinderella party and pink pink pink everything...We are having a family get together and I just feel like I'm so unorganized and its tomorrow, usually organization is my passion but I got nothing !!
It is also My 10th year anniversary ..I couldn't have ever imagined a better husband and Father for my girls..He is the greatest!!!Well now anyway since I've fined tuned Him..Ha Ha still have the rest of our lives together to work on the rest.
I never knew being a Nag and a control freak could be so enjoyable..ha ha
Anyway waiting to hear today about the test results...I know if God brings you to it he will guide you through it !!
Have a blessings day there is lots of goodness out there find some...Love ya Tracie

Wednesday, August 17, 2005 8:30 AM CDT

Well today is the day ..It is amazing to think one day can change your whole life...I always feel that way when we have MRIs' and cat scans....We have never had a full spine MRI before I guess because she's never really had problems with her legs like this..we will see it is in Gods hands, I pray that she can lay there okay and not get scared..sometimes she comes out crying and sometimes she is asleep ..I know this morning she woke up and told me she is scared about going today..I told her I will be right there and it will be okay..Sometimes I say that and in my head I'm more worried then she is..But I do feel it will be okay no matter what...We have come to far to stop believing now....Have a good day and remember whatever any of you face today not for one minute are you alone....Because Gods there........Love ya Tracie

P.S. Lola's doing great keeping us very busy!!!!

Monday, August 15, 2005 9:01 PM CDT

Hello everyone.....I feel like my head is spinning I have been so busy doing what who knows? Abi has been doing pretty good, on and off headaches but nothing high on the pain scale ..Thank goodness. I can't help but feel a liitle nervous about Wed. and her upcoming scans. MRI's are hard because they are loud and long I sit in there and hold her feet so she knows I'm there, Cat scans are what she calls her FAVORITE , because its fast and she slides into what looks like a dounut..Not sure if she will have an IV or not since they are doing a 3-D one..
We are not sure if its guilt or the need of joy, but we let one of Abi's dreams come true ..all she has ever wanted besides Breakfast at Disneyland is a puppy, so we agreed to let her have one, can we afford one No, can we afford Abi Matti or Kaydee No, But none the less we can't buy Joy either...That puppy has been here 3 days and I haven't seen a smile like that on Abi since I don't know when..The other girls are all giggles too!!!We lost our Cat we had two days before Abi had her brain operation I took Lizzie , who was with us two years to the Vet ER Christmas Day night because we thought she had a bad cold..The Kids waited for me to bring her home and that never happened she had Cancer and had to be put to sleep..I will never get over that feeling I Had never felt so much pain and I cried so hard I know God drove me home because I can't remember doing it myself...
So for all of us I think bringing someone else into the family to love is scary . I don't think Matti ever really got over it she was so close to her and still talks about her being in heaven...But anyway we do have one more to love and she has already changed us for the better I feel we are being glued back ..we are smiling and laughing together...I missed that so much..Pauls eyes are even brighter, they twinkle when he looks at her....(I'm not too jealous)
Her name is---Lola Marie Christopherson and she is a tiny cock-a-poo 9 and a half weeks old..I will try to get you pictures because you have to see her!!!!I know now we have ..1 fish (rainbow) , 5 birds (Dorothy, toto, Sam , Sam and his brother Sam, yes I was wrong they were'nt girls they turned out to be boys..Pauls happy, someone to watch football with).and Lola.I know it sounds like a small petting zoo..But its us !!!!!!!!!!!!If we ever do lose our home it will be hard to be homeless in a cardboard box with all that!!!ha ha ha....
Its amazing how a little cotten ball can bring a family of 5 together but she has and I thank God for that...Because I have been praying for an answer...All I had to do was Wait!!!!!Love you guys...Goodnight, I will go up and kiss the girls while thier sleeping and I just bet they all have smiles on thier sweet faces....I hope all of you that need Glue will find it too!!!!!Tracie

Friday, August 12, 2005 8:33 AM CDT

I went out and met several people last night for dinner,we had such a good time...Friends are so great don't know where I would be without them...
Abi, I guess had a headache last night before bed and then again this morning when she woke up, not a bad one so thats okay...We will just take it a day at a time..Paul and I have learned the hard way that each day can take you down a differant road so don't be so sure you know where your going!!

The more I talk to people the more I learn that everyone has STUFF, may it be big or small we all have it. Things in our life that keep us from our full potential of life...Someone asked me last night how I do it, DEAL. I said I wake up in the morning and have to choices 1. To check in 2. to check out
And for me I make the choice to check in. I've always seen life as an orange, you can sit it by you not doing anything with it , and let it spoil..or you can cut it open squeeze the sweet juice out and enjoy the great flavor...There may be a seed or two that gets in the way but none the less its still sweet!!!!Today make the choice to squeeze that orange....
Love to all ..Tracie

Thursday, August 11, 2005 8:45 AM CDT

Last night I was on the computer for a while looking up things about Matti's metabolic disorder, I came across stories from other Mothers who had lost children from MCAD because they didn't know they had it because there was not a newborn screening for it. I couldn't believe how the stories sounded just like ours but the only differance was we still have Matti. I remember Matti's life began with constant struggles in and out of hospitals and she would throw up once and her eyes would roll back in her head and we would rush to the ER and they would say she is just really sick and dehydrated, never once did I think her heart would stop or her brain would swell or any of those things that MCAD can do to a sick child would happen ...Even with all our trials now with Abi not for one minute should I feel sorry for our situation, do I get overwhelmed when I think about it all? yes of course but do I pity us No because we have been given more blessings then I could ever pray for !!!I just try to take life in little parts and keep focus on the rainbows.....I also know you help to remind me that there is so much goodness that God has for us..
Today I will appreciate Matti and know how lucky we are to have her........Love you guys....take care.....Tracie

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 8:26 AM CDT

I'm not sure what happened all I know is Abi came in at six this morning and Kaydee had her feet in my face Matti was next to her and Abi was saying can we get up...The joys of relaxing during summer vacation...Why do they call it a vacation anyway???
Abi is doing really good, her leg is still having trouble its almost like its not getting the right signal, and you know me I have been looking up everything I can on leg malfunctions...Yes I'm once again playing Doctor....
My mom and I were talking about the upcoming scans and I told her, we never find anything on the MRI's or The CT's but sure enough now that she is doing better we probably will...Not that I have bad luck but if there is one bird in the sky I'm gonna get the poop in my face if ya know what I mean..ha ha

I read something today that was simple but powerful---------Walk by faith not by sight......
How great is that..I loved it ..Enjoy the day and thanks for checking in....love ya Tracie

Tuesday, August 9, 2005 8:19 AM CDT

The Dr. called yesterday and Abi will be going in on the 17th for her MRI of the full spine,3-D CT scan and I guess they are going to do some type of series of her shunt..That sounds like a fun day starting at 1:00. Abi is doing fairly well she seems very insecure she cries when she has to go to bed because she doesn't want to be alone, last night she slept with us because I couldn't get her to stop crying. This morning she has a little headache but is up doing word puzzles. I'm not the best speller anyway and to have someone asking you how to spell words over three letters at 7 am is a little over the top.
Yesterday I spent the whole day organizing furniture and I tried to shampoo our rugs , they are so bad , Kaydee decided to spill BBQ sauce all over..If you are wondering she is still for sale !!!!ha ha
Paul came home and saw the living room and asked me what I was worried about? He knows me so well..He knows when I go on a organization frenzy it usually means I'm thinking again.
I am wondering how all this stuff will unfold......we will see. I try not to ask Abi are you okay do you need medicine ..I'm sure she is sick of that I would be..School coming up makes me so overwhelmed I can hardly stand it, the thought of putting Abi on a bus without me checking on her kills me.
Matti at 3 day preschool..I applied for a scholarship because we love the community center school but it is pricey.I know all the puzzle pieces will fall as they are suppose to and one day all of this will come together and I will be so bored with all my free time.....Are you buying that, me either..
Take time to notice the good in others today, as I've learned from this situation there are so many wonderful people out there ..make it a point to find some..Don't let the crab in the grocery line rob you of that...Gods blessings to ya....love...Tracie

Monday, August 8, 2005 9:02 AM CDT

I don't know about you but I am glad it's Monday so I can get some rest. Paul and I haven't had a date in probably Forever, and this weekend we were able to go out without the kids twice..I have to say It was alot of fun , we connected with people we haven't seen in a while and we also enjoyed each others company...Abi had a really good weekend we were able to do family things also and that was nice.She had times when she had to lay down but not many,Her leg is still a problem though I'm sure they will call today and give us dates for our MRI and CT scan...So then we can see whats going on if anything....
I went to work Sunday and ya know it was like I never left, I had forgotten how much I love my job.....I'm really glad to be back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Matti will be turning 5 on the 19th so I'm trying to get together a family thing for that also Paul and I will be celebrating 10 years together on the same date..Time really does fly.
Today I want everyone reading this to Love yourself your whole self! How often do we spend time doing that? We always say oh if I only would do this or that..Enough!!!Only Love today...Remember- Nothing is more important than this day..Thats why God gave it to us!!!Don't waste it....Love ya
Bye for now.....Tracie

Friday, August 5, 2005 3:33 PM CDT

I have to say the meeting with Dr. Nagib went pretty well...He was very concerned about the ongoing situation and He even mentioned how He went to a seminar about divorce rates of parents with children who have medical conditions like ours..I don't think I'm worried about that right now ..I wouldn't want to break in another one,it will be 10 years for us this August.
The new plan is as follows:
She will continue to take her celexa and after 3 weeks if her quality of life has not improved he will go in and operate.

In the meantime she will have another CT 3-d scan of her head and neck, an Mri of her lower lumbar area to check for clots or tumors or a teathered spinal cord.(reason for her leg problems.)

Fears are that she may do worse after the operation because she has declined since her operation in Dec./ He is scared to go in and He doesn't know what he may find..But He understands she cannot have a life like this without at least trying to correct it..

I did feel God was with me today because I was strong and confident and I was able to express all our issues...
I felt all of your support Thank you...Paul and I are going to try and get away to the Band and Village fest tonight hope to see some of you there!!!!!Love ya Tracie

Thursday, August 4, 2005 9:12 PM CDT

Can't complain too much tonight , Abi has been feeling pretty good on and off the last couple of days.I taught her to swim under water this week She was always kind of upset that Matti her younger sister could do it but she couldn't. We have a small inflatable pool but I kept working with her and told her if she would relax and go under water and float it would probably feel pretty good.So she has done it and now thats all she wants to do...It feels good to see her proud of something she has acomplished I'm sure it is hard for her when she sees Matti doing the things she has trouble with...I guess thats life and the many lessons there are to learn.
I've been down here tonight getting ready for my big day tomorrow with Dr. Nagib (Neurosurg). I always feel like I have to prepare, do my homework and know every part of the brain that we will speak of and its function.Here I go playing Dr. again..oh well...Abi is having a hard time with her leg it is almost like she can't control its movement,it is the same leg that has been falling asleep alot...That really concerns us but of course she hardly complains about it and walks on her tippy toes because she says its easier....
I really need to do some soul searching tonight to find out what I want out of this meeting tomorrow, what do I feel needs to happen? Are we ready to take action if the chance is presented?Tonight I will get down on my knees and ask God all these questions because I know I can't do it alone....
It is going to be tough listening to the risk factors of removal of the mesh grid, because if thats what needs to be done how do you say okay lets do it...How do you make that kind of choice? One wrong answer and your out!!!!
How do we see our little girl bandaged up laying in ICU one more time how do we handle that. How will we tell her..the little girl who wants long hair so badly and to sing on American Idol...But on the flip side how do we settle for this as her quality of life? How do we not take chances to improve her pain and make it so she can have the life of a child her age...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Okay I guess its obvious I have a couple things to get out tonight..some of you have probably clicked off by now..thanks for hanging in there those who haven't....
Abi had a classmate come by today to drop off some cookies, she loved the visit she showed him the whole house...the minute he left she told me she had a little headache and needed to lay down but it was worth it to see him , the cookies were great too!!!
My Mom gave Abi a very special gold ring a couple weeks ago, On it it said Gail, my Moms name and who Abigail is named after. One day Abi was walking in the back yard and it slipped off not knowing she should stay put and look for it she came into the house crying so hard..Everyday we look for that ring in the grass and we have yet to find it. Today as usual we went looking again and she said" we will never find it its hopeless". I looked at her and said things sometimes seem that way but you have to know in your heart that you will find it when its time...But in the meantime you look for it like you believe you will find it...I thought to myself how I just gave myself a lesson . I look to help Abi so badly and everytime I get shot down I think we will be like this forever..The key is in the belief That I will find the answers I so desperatly want to find just like Abi and her special ring...
Tonight I will pray for my family and for guidance and wisdom..I will also pray for other families that search and search to help thier little ones.The relay for life is coming up ,I will also pray for families dealing with or families who have dealt with cancer, it is such a terrible terrible thing help me in praying for a cure......
Gods blessings to all of you....Goodnight...Tracie

Tuesday, August 2, 2005 8:22 AM CDT

I went to bed last night full of worry and doubt, thinking this situation won't end this will in fact be our life forever...But this morning waking up I had a feeling of Hope and that God does work in our lives. He really does the problem is half the time we don't get out of the way and let him. Its like I'm in the car in front of God and he's saying if you would just pull over and let me pass I will show you the way, and of course I struggle to find it myself and then finally sometimes I crash into a tree and have no choice but to let him go ahead. It is only then I realize what I should of done all along........

I was worried yesterday because I got a call from NEURO-SURG and they want to see us on Friday, I was sick wondering the outcome But for now I will let God handle that. I know I have asked before but could you please pray for Paul and I to have wisdom and strength in helping Abi to feel better...That is our goal and it has to be the hardest goal I have ever had...I have to say she is not doing that well, she had a time yesterday when she was swimming but then she paid for it.There are answers and I do believe (for today) that God will take us there...

Today I am so thankful to have all of you in my life! I have been blessed by you , I pray that your lives are filled with joy and happiness too!!!!! Appreciate the little things today.....smiles, clouds, Diet coke ....love ya ...Tracie

Sunday, July 31, 2005 3:10 PM CDT

Don't know how to break it to you But Abi is starting to go downhill again...It went from a good week to slowly getting back where we were. I slept last night in a bean bag in the girls room because Abi was scared and not feeling good..scared of what I'm unsure , it couldn't be that she's alone because believe me you never get that in our house....
I was talking with my Mom about how I'm stressed what to do now, she reminded me I am not a DR. and to let them figure out what to do..That is so true, If I have to sit and figure out what they should do to help Abi it seems to me someone isn't doing what they should be!!!So tomorrow I will make my usual Monday scream for help call and tell Dr. B I am through playing Dr. I can't do it anymore.....I will let you know how that goes.
Tomorrow I officially start work again...I really do love my job it is overwhelming to go back but once I get in the swing of it It will be fine,the people there are so great too, I couldn't ask for better people to work with.
Keep your prayers for Julie....
Have a great start to your week and remember the power of Gods love!!!!!Tracie

Friday, July 29, 2005 7:11 PM CDT

Well today started pretty bad it seems like a pattern now that Abi wakes up around 5 am and screams in pain for about 3 hours then she's okay. I talked with Dr. B today to ask him about why I should call to set up an apt. with Dr. Nagib , his thoughts were that we will go ahead with the brain operation of removing all the hardware if this medicine doesn't help..
So I called the office and was told that Nagib does not do follow up apts. I would have to meet with Jill. I informed her that I was told to speak with him directly..She said she would check with Jill to see if thats even possible..Whatever! So being the pushy person I am I called Dr. B right away and told on them!!He said he would take care of it..nanana na booboo..Anyway life once again goes on and on.....Abi actually pulled it together enough to go to the beach on Rice , we all had a great time..I spent alot of time picking up duck poop, I tried to make a path to the water..seems like no matter where I am or what I'm doing I'm stuck in a pile of#@#@!@..ha ha
I really need some extra prayers for my good friend Julie, she is struggling with MS and is having a heck of a time. I figure if we all pretend to wrap our arms around her she will have the support she needs..please include her in your thoughts and prayers.......Blessings to all for a peace filled weekend...Love ya Tracie

Thursday, July 28, 2005 5:56 PM CDT

Ya know those e-mails that say if you send 7 out you will recieve a miracle tomorrow? Well I did one never have before, I woke up this morning thinking oh yea my miracle will happen today!!Ya know what I realized, each day has a bunch of them!!Instead of waiting for one I noticed how many each day holds... The sun , the wind , the kiss from kaydee to wake me up in the morning, The birth of PJ's grandbaby, The babybirds singing, calls from friends, Paul coming home safe and sound, My moms health, Good music, peanut butter cups(love those).Anyway didn't mean to go on and on but it was funny what that e-mail taught me.....

On a bad note Jill called and said" I heard Abi had a good day thats so great!!!". I believe she meant that but, I was just irritated because everytime she calls I fill her with some information and she says stuff like that..ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Yes she is doing better BUT!!!She still screams at night and in the morning, I guess in thier book that is doing Better..
Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to the back end of a cow....I am so tired of talking about this and having to constantly think people will care and then they turn around and say crap like "well I'm so glad she is doing better". Better than what a Drunk laying on a park bench with bird poop on his face.....Well your right compared to that you are right she has a great life....After I got off the phone with her Of course I had to call my Mom to calm me down she's good at helping me get centered again...I just pray we can hold out until Oct 27th to go to Gillete to see the famous Dr. Wical a Nuerologist..Maybe thats where our answers lie...I do know God has us on this path for a reason and it is Full of miracles but also heartache..Thats life!!
Glad there are people like you to go through it with!!!!
Hugs to all....Tracie

Wednesday, July 27, 2005 9:28 AM CDT

Abi had a great day yesterday and it seems we are paying for it today.....She woke up at 5 screaming and hasn't really felt good since. It seemed we had such a great pattern going and now we are going back down...It really only makes sense I guess we didn't really fix anything. Oh well , I really did only ask for a day off and I was lucky enough to get almost a week..I ordered my groceries again from simon delivers, for us that works so great we can't really make it to the store because Abi will usually need to lay down half way through so I love that they bring it to the house...for now its what we do!!!Feeling a little out of sorts today a little overwhelmed with life, Kaydee was up all night so 2 days without sleep ..I hate that feeling of being in a fog..But I will still try to enjoy the blessings of the day and not focus on the things I can't change.......God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can , and the wisdom to know the differance......Love ya all Tracie

Tuesday, July 26, 2005 12:04 AM CDT

This morning Abi woke up screaming, It caught by surprise I guess I'm not used to it .....Thats a good thing....I guess...Today I decided to look at all the blessings and focus on those instead of worrying about tomorrow, This is the day the Lord has made so why should I waste it!!!!!I love the saying "Nothing is more important then this day".
Thanks again for aLL your thoughts and prayers couldn't make it without you.....Have a joyous Day!!!!!!!!!!Tracie

Monday, July 25, 2005 12:12 AM CDT

Monday is here once again ...
Everyone slept last night I couldn't believe it!!!I guess miracles do happen......Abi woke up kind of rough this morning bad headache and some neck pain...I know people are saying don't worry about school and her missing her life, it is hard not to I just don't think she will be able to function in school and that really concerns me...because we are not doing anything.....
I was suppose to call Dr. Nagib and set up an appointment but I havent yet, not sure why I just hate going there.....I will when I'm ready I guess.
Abi woke up this morning and there was quite a bit of hair on her pillow, unsure why that is but I will keep tabs on it....
Night time is so hard for me lately when everyone goes to bed I have such an uneasy feeling in my stomach , It is hard for me to shake it and also hard to explain it, sometimes I just go to bed so I will feel better...
Well thats all I got...I pray for all of you and thank you for doing the same for us..I really enjoy your e-mails keep'em comin...Keep your arms open for Gods love today ....He does love us, if he did'nt how would we ever make it? I wouldn't...
Take care ,Tracie

Sunday, July 24, 2005 11:54 AM CDT

Hello, well the weekend has been too peaceful if you can believe that!!!Paul and I are walking around wondering what to do with ourselves..
Abi is doing pretty well and by that I mean, Not screaming !! she lays down alot then she will get up and play a little but then she will ask for a washcloth and lay on the couch for a while.. I don't know why her eating has changed so much she hardly eats anything I have to beg her to eat most the time..She is already too thin. I'm worried that when school starts she won't be able to go, I just don't want her to miss anymore of her life because of these headaches..I know there will be a day when she is up and running and our couch will be a couch again and not a bed for her to get rid of her headaches.......She will be out on the playground at school chasing boys and playing with her girlfriends. I asked Abi if today was a good day for her and she said "not really".I said are you sad because you don't feel well and she said yes....I gave her a big hug and hoped that helped...Dear God please be with Abi today and let her know that brighter days are yet to come.....I believe God taught us that by making rainbows after rainstorms.....When we are going through tough times if we stick with God we will see the best is yet to come.....Thanks for checking in ..Tracie

Friday, July 22, 2005 9:59 AM CDT

Through the spirit of God within you, you have the courage and strength to keep on keeping on.

I read that this morning and that is so true God gives us courage that we never even imagine we would have.
Abi had a wakeful night she couldn't sleep , she wasn't crying she was just wide awake. Finally I turned on the TV and gave her the remote and let her watch Disney. I know its the medicine shes on it says it makes people sleepy of course we never follow the Norm.
This morning she has been pretty good shes had to lay down a couple times with a headache but her and the bopsy twins have been already playing dress-up.
Today is a great day I don't have to go anywhere I love that..I called work today to tell them officially I will be returning I can not believe I have not worked for 7 months, the funny part is we still have a house to live in Ha Ha..
Take care Love ya all.......Tracie

Thursday, July 21, 2005 8:41 PM CDT

Yes it is true I am 39 years old today I know I look 90 so some of you were probably shocked!!!I started my Birthday with very little sleep Abi was up crying then Kaydee took a turn Good ole Matti she just sleeps Thank the Lord.I decided to do what I enjoy so I started cleaning the house toilets ,floors etc..Ya really know its your Birthday when you have the toilet brush in one hand and your wearing boxers and a v-neck t-shirt with cereal spilt on it, all I needed was a crown and a fur coat (fake fur that is). I did put on my Frank Sinatra cd and that made it, life does not get any better than that, Oh yea then I had my yearly physical don't worry I wont go into details on that...ha ha
Abi is doing pretty well I'm not sure why but I don't really care I'm just enjoying it.
We got a call from Gillette Hospital today the top Nuerologist there agreed to take on Abi's case!!!Yea But we don't go until Oct..Bummer
I have made a decision instead of praying for God to show me what to do with Abi I've been praying prayers of healing for her, Instead of being so caught up in what to do I'm going to be still and listen for a while..Sometimes I think I get so busy in looking for a direction that I may be missing Gods guidance..So for now I choose to Be still.....
The girls were so cute my Mom took them to the dollar store to spend thier money for a gift for me, I can tell Abi and Matti are getting older because the things they bought I can almost use, Kaydee picked out a wax candle pig..I had to say it was pretty funny and she was very serious about it...Children are such blessings, I remember being a little girl and all I ever wanted to do was play with dolls because I wanted to be a mommy so badly. Some people never reach all thier dreams in life but ,I have the family I have always dreamed of and I wouldn't change one bit of it.....Thank you God

Wednesday, July 20, 2005 6:18 PM CDT

Sorry I haven't updated...Its been busy...
Today Abi had two appointments 1st with Tim Colbert(intergrative Medicine) That went really well he was Great!!His thoughts were about a new Medication celexa,used to treat depression but has other uses for people with pain issues. He also thought Abi had some things that probably should be taken care of by nuero-surg, he agreed that the problem should be fixed before we treat the pain...

Then we saw Dr. B who is back from vacation and he had alot of information for me, he had talked with Dr.Nagib and went over the risks of the operation if in fact we went that route. I have to say there were several that made me question if it would be the thing to do????We agreed to try one last medication and I guess it should be called the final straw....So We started it tonight and it will take a month to see the benefits..In the mean time I am suppose to meet with Dr. Nagib to go over in detail the risks of the surgery if the meds do not work..

Can I just say Abi has had two good days , we actually went for a bike ride together tonight....Thats what life is all about ......So It has been a busy day and I am tired and thats all I got!!!I read today God answers all our prayers..He sure does because I've had Abi back for two days..and I never realized how much I missed her.....
Take care God bless all of you.....Tracie

Monday, July 18, 2005 2:28 PM CDT

Abi had another long night I finally got her out of her bunk bed (Not a good bed for someone with medical needs) Then she layed on the couch yelling for a while and I layed in the chair next to her. The tough part is trying to get her to not wake up everyone else because then its really a party...
The Dentist called saying they could get Abi in for her temp. crown this morning Of course we jumped on it because Its been bothering her alot. I called the dentist back and asked if we could just pull it since its a baby tooth , and that way its easier on her, so thats what they did..Dr. Forbes and his staff are wonderful they did a Greay job.

When I got home Jill called from neuro-surg and I filled her in on the great results from the Nerve block, her comment was I hate to do anything because it seems we move forward one and go back ten. Well all I know is she can not stay like this and we have to do something!!!She said she would talk with Dr. Nagib and let him know..Yea Thanks a Million!!!!Anyway Dr. B is back from Europe and he said he will be speaking with him personally. Why would anyone want to leave a little girl like this it just kills me that they don't take it more serious..I also mentioned that she is having numbness in both legs alot and thats new and I would think a big deal..who knows....Can you tell I'm a little frustrated?

On a good note its nice outside, I have the house open and I found the last hostess cupcake hidden in the cupboard and I did'nt have to share it....(Thats a blessing) Hey ya gotta take'em no matter how small...
I am going to take deep breaths and enjoy my kids today..bye for now I'm going up to play polly pockets..Love ya ..Keep the Faith, Tracie

Sunday, July 17, 2005 9:31 AM CDT

Do I even need to go into how the night went? I didn't think so.
I woke up around 3:00am and starting thinking about Abi and how strongly I feel they need to go in and take the mesh net in the back of her head out and her shunt. Can she do alright with out both of those? That I'm not sure of. It only makes sense to me she is having pain on her right side and her stomach (that is where the shunt tubing runs)I feel we need to get all foreign parts out!!!Then comes the thought of that frail little body going through that. I felt my breathing go fast and thought to myself I think I'm having an anxiety attack..so I directed my thoughts to God and said I need you to hold me right now because I'm feeling scared and alone. Next thing I knew I woke up to Abi crying but I made it through..
Right now the name of the game is keeping her comfortable as possible, Pauls Mom is concerned that we are having to use valium again, I am too but honestly I got nothing else, Its hard when your the one doing battle against this let me tell you it aint pretty..I know all of you have your burdens and I do thank you for day after day listening to mine..Remember if you need an extra hug ask God It worked for me!!!!!

Love ya Tracie

Saturday, July 16, 2005 7:38 AM CDT

God give me strength to handle life when it doesn't go the way I feel it should................
Yesterday Abi was so excited to go to baby Sams one year birthday party next door, she kept saying is it time is it time,finally it was. We go over and we are there 5 minutes and she grabs the back of her head and starts crying. It was like watching a familiar movie, how can this be she had one day of relief from a 6 hour procedure???We ended up leaving right away and came home for 3 hours of painful screaming. Once again a moment was robbed from that little girl. Paul and I looked at each other with fear in our eyes because now we face what do we do now, knowing what the choice is. This morning I'm feeling like I could not go through anything else I just want to get in the car drive as fast as I can and forget this whole thing, But I know I could never do that. There are times I just want to cry out and say God could you give us a break!!!!!!!!!I see other families enjoying thier summer doing things I so desperatly want us doing and I can't help but feel sad. It is like standing at a bus stop, The bus comes by but never stops, I keep thinking its going to but it just keeps passing by..After a while its hard not to just asume it will never stop...

God give me strength to know you are there and wrap your arms around our family and keep us strong during this long painful journey.......

Friday, July 15, 2005 9:12 AM CDT

Good morning,
Last night didn't go too well because Abi had stomach pain, her head seemed to be okay..Gotta take the good with the bad.
It is only temporary but it is nice to have her off the couch a little.
This morning I'm doing the dishes and Matti was sitting on the couch with Kaydee and she was pretending to read her a story making up words as she turned the pages. It really made my heart sing watching her be a big sister, It made me think of how much love we have between us and how making it through this difficult time will only make us stronger as a family..
It is almost time for me to return to work I cannot believe I have been off this long it has been a miracle that I was lucky enough to have that choice, But if we dont want to sell our house and live in a double wide box on chicago street selling matches I had better go back..
If this experience has taught me anything it has been two things, God really never leaves us and when you go through stuff like this you do feel his strength if you take the time, also the love of people and the goodness that they have in thier soul to want to reach out and help, there is alot of ugly in the world but its the greatness in people that keeps us all together. I thank all of you for reaching out to our family, even if you have never spoken a word to us we can feel your prayers and strength...You are gifts of God...Love Tracie

Thursday, July 14, 2005 12:27 AM CDT

What to wish for what to wish for..........
Abi is doing pretty well, she doesn't look too good But she hasn't screamed or cried the whole day so far..She has been having small headaches but no neck pain. Did the injections work? I feel it did with the neck so now her pain is not so intense, but it is only temporay and this is not a solution, she still is not the adverage 7 year old by any means, I am trying to get her washcloth off her head, she always has to have a cold washcloth on her head and won't remove it...We are all getting used to her wearing it.
My thoughts for today are why does she have pain back there in the first place and how long do we cover it up for? Jill called this morning and will call back later,I know she wants me to say she's healed and now you don't have to worry about it anymore..(we all want that). I wish I felt like that will be the case..I just don't.
Now that my back is better I'm back to my stress relief chores ,Today I'm organizing the house to make it look bigger, is it working, No...I would have to throw everything we own in the garbage(not a bad idea)...Take care...God bless Tracie

Wednesday, July 13, 2005 3:19 PM CDT

That was a long morning...Started better than I thought, Abi was only crying a little because she was scared. When we got to the pre-op area Abi started not feeling well and had to lay down. Nichole showed up for support that was sooo great I needed it, Its hard when Paul can't be there with us(one of us has to work). Nichole hasn't seen Abi since the golf tournament and she thought she looked pretty bad. I agreed....
The proceedure lasted about an hour and a half he ended up doing several injections in several places back of her head around her shunt and some on the sides...We will see what happens right now she has been crying since we have gotten home with head pain , Heres hoping tomorrows better...It does get to the point where you pray for miracles. Being in the pre-op room today made me think about where we will be if this doesn't work....scary stuff.....I did get to see Rochelle( who lost her son Alex) and Nichole (Sophias Mom) That was just what I needed we all are in knee deep but by looking at us one would think we have a paddle ....We are all hanging in there I have never in my life met two such strong women, they are truly my inspiration......Kind of funny how we all ended up there at the same time for differant reasons...Thanks God...
Thank you for all your prayers I have to say I need everyone of them...Tonight will be tough but as Annie says" the sun will come out tomorrow"!! Going with God this morning helped alot I am really learning the meaning of leaning on him when I feel weak..Or strong for that matter......Take care I think tonight calls for a heavy pasta dish and lots of cookies...........okay Chardonnay too..love ya Tracie

Tuesday, July 12, 2005 2:04 PM CDT

Well tomorrow we go in (wed) at 8:00 they will be putting her under for the proceedure, thats good and bad....Whenever we go through things like this it makes me sick to my stomach,I will never get used to it....I just pray with all my heart it gives that poor girl at least a week of her life back.One week to play, swim do anything except cry.
Please pray for her tomorrow,I know it is not going to be an easy day for her.(or me)
All I know is if it does not work we go in for surgery.....so we will see!
God I pray for your strength and your guidance..........Sophia is back in the hospital save some prayers for he too.....Thank you I will write later tomorrow when we get home from her Occipital nerve block procedure....Thank you ..Gods Blessings to all of you.....Tracie

Monday, July 11, 2005 10:30 AM CDT

Well it is Monday again(is it over yet)..ha ha
Abi was crying pretty much all night and most the day yesterday, Paul was running last night because It was hard for me to get up and down with my still painful back.Even though I don't care to I will be paying a visit to the Dr. today, for me can you believe that !!!!Paul had to miss work today because with me not getting around to well and I knew Abi would be a mess, I really needed his help.
I want to Thank you for your journals you write they help me so much I also love reading them.
Still waiting to hear from Jill about when Abi will have her Occipital nerve block, I told her to try to get us in asap,I pray that it works, it would be nice if she could play again without pain even for a couple days. I researched the procedure last night, looks a little painful at first but it just might work.We will hope for that...
Not much to add today Things are pretty much the same..........Hold hands with God today and have a good one..
Thanks--- Tracie
peace-out

Sunday, July 10, 2005 8:41 AM CDT

Sundays are kind of a funny day,a day to relax but then a day that Monday follows.. I don't think I'm ready to start the week again..I pray that this Nerve block will be at least a temporary pain relief, a week , a month, heck I will take a day...Yesterday Abi played a little but sure enough any amount of playing she does results in hours of pain. Her crying has become more frequent also not sure if she's sad because of the way her life is right now or if the valium makes her emotional . I know she does say how she feels this isn't fair and last night she pretended the mirror in thier room was magic and she asked the mirror to grant her No headaches for a whole day.I wish that too...we all do.
It is amazing how we have gotten used to screaming, before we would of rushed her to the E.R. now we have steps we take and we wait it out.
The only good thing about stress is I turn into Miss organizer and yesterday I re-organized my kitchen , the bad thing is I did something to my back now I can hardly get around..Old age!!!Paul yells at me because I don't ask for help and then I lift things that are too heavy for me, Then I end up here, walking like I just got thrown off a big horse!!
Just for today I will ask God for Help and depend on others a little too..The great thing about God is he never says "Stop your Complaining do it yourself", instead you get "Of course I will be there for you".
I'm also going to try and welcome the new week and know that it will be filled with lots of #@#@# But also blessings too!!!!
Take care .....There is nothing more important than this Day.........................Tracie peace out

Friday, July 8, 2005 9:53 PM CDT

I heard in a country song the other day "If you have to cry ,but dry your tears because there are better days to come".
I like that because I believe that....
I heard from Jill (Nuero-surg) today she said they want to go ahead and try a nerve block to see if that will give her a couple months of relief, She just doesn't want to rush into surgery right yet, I said thats fine believe me we don't either but we want some relief for Abi. She will set it up for next week I guess its like a same day surgery, in and out. Didn't ask about complications but I'm sure I will be filled in soon. It kind of let me breath a little because thinking about an operation again takes my air right out of my chest..Abi is now taking an antibiotic because she has an infection in her tooth so she will have that procedure coming up soon too!!What a great summer for her so far...I'm still giving her valium a couple times a day with the tylenol it seems to really help her get through the day..still laying around pretty uncomfortable all the time but a tiny bit less screaming...She tells me I'm mean about her taking medicine and I hurt her feelings...I don't try to but I'm out of tricks I can't song and dance anymore, it's to the point now I just say take it there are no choices..end of story!!!I'm still a good nurse just not when medicine is a struggle. (Where is Mary Poppins when I need her, Spoonful of sugar and all that @#@###) ha ha
Take care .....Prayers go out to Sophia (having a little trouble) Tonight I will go to sleep knowing that Gods hands are wrapped around our house and holding us tight...Know that he's holding yours too!!!!Thanks Tracie

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SOMEONE SPECIAL TO US------AMY K. HAVE A GOOD ONE!!!!!!!

Thursday, July 7, 2005 8:06 AM CDT

God has blessed us with a nice sunny day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have to tell you we have 2 finches and It was my bright idea to buy a nest because I wanted them to be warm at night well......Like any cozy fertile couple they had eggs 6 to be exact, but they never hatched now on our second round they did!!2 died but we have 3 new birds , get this all girls..kind of funny theres a mom a dad and 3 girls living in a small cage...Sounds familiar. We were going to give the babies away but now we are in love with them and can't. For me it is a positive reminder of Gods greatness,every morning I see those baby birds in there it reminds me of the wonderful miracles God can do .............And that he will do, and is doing for us!!!!!

I was having a real hard time over the weekend, I think we all reach a point when we can't handle life for a little while,I just find the decision to operate on Abi again so hard to swallow. Paul and I are hardly saying anything right now because we are waiting for the call that says yes or no....We just believe in our hearts it is the only thing we can do to hopefully help our little girl, but then comes in play how will we go through all of that again and who knows the outcome? Believe me we haven't entered this decision lightly..alot of screaming and pretty much constant pain has brought us to this point. Jill from nuero-surg called yesterday and said she was going to check on one more option but was unsure if it could help, if that doesn't pan out we will go ahead to surgery. Please pray (hard) that God guides us to do what is right. I have talked with Abi about it and her comment was "will I have to use the mask" That was her only concern because she hates the smell of the sleep medicine. God truley works through her because she is the bravest person I know. Thanks for hanging in there with us...Enjoy the day God has brought us. Find something that makes you notice Gods miracles.....peace out

Tuesday, July 5, 2005 7:28 AM CDT

I haven't written because I'm pretty sick of what I continuosly have to write. Abi had a really rough weekend with very little pain relief, Paul and I have made a painful decision to call Dr. Nagib and possibly go ahead with the exploritory brain operation. We have decided that we no longer can live like this it is too painful for all of us and even more of course for Abi. I feel like we have hit rock bottom and we have to do something!!! Will fill you in more later..pray for us and that we make the best choices for Abi.....Thanks Tracie

Friday, July 1, 2005 7:14 PM CDT

Hi it's me and yes we slept last night Yea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Abi woke up this morning crying in pain and her neck was stiff again. First I tried the tylenol and gave that an hour then with no relief I gave her valium first 2 mg than another 2 mg, finally she felt pretty good, we were actually able to go to Target all together. She has been wanting to spend some of her bday money but we havent gotten a chance, so today we did.

I got a call from her Ophthamologist today and he said after reviewing her exam notes again he couldn't help but wonder if she might have a metabolic condition that would be the cause of her eye problems, he seems to think she meets alot of the criteria for several...He wants her to have a EKG right away and some other testing, not sure what it all means but I told him at this point I would do anything to find out answers. He asked me if she has ever had her heart tested and I mentioned the times in the hospital she had a monitor for differant reasons. He was going to call Dr. paul and set some stuff up...Who knows.....Dr. Bothun at the U is sure great, I recomend him if any of your children need an eye specialist.

I was reading my book "WAIT" last night as usual.I read this verse and it really hit home for me..."But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."
I suggest everyone gets this book it has been a savior to me----------Marianne Richmond studios.........WWW.mariannerichmond.com.........check it out

Take care love ya........Thanks for hanging in there with me

Tracie Peace out

Thursday, June 30, 2005 3:13 PM CDT

Well another trip in another trip home!!!!!!!I took Abi in bacause she has not stopped hurting and crying for two days , worse than that she hasn't slept for two nights straight.
I really wanted them to admit her at first but then the more I thought about it I want her home with us..As crazy as it gets we all need to still be together...If we come out of this without serious phycological problems I will be very surprised.
Dr. B is gone for 3 weeks so we saw Dr. Paul, he did a stomach x-ray and gave us some medicine for acid control in her stomach and I asked him about valium and if when she goes through these bad times if we can give it to her he said yes and actually gave me a stronger dose....The frustrating part of it all is no'one right now can help us !!!They say that..and even if they didn't I know it..
With Gods help I alone can move mountains and I will move this mountain or I will figure out how to camp on it !!!!!!
Don't feel badly for us pray for us but don't feel bad , we have so many blessings...Tonight I will thank God for all of them.(you will be included ) Thanks Tracie
Peace out....

Thursday, June 30, 2005 7:52 AM CDT

I'm taking Abi to the Hospital write more later...............love ya Tracie

Wednesday, June 29, 2005 6:08 AM CDT

Mornings like today, when I have been up all night because Abi was crying and screaming because of head and stomach pain, I really feel sad and like I cannot possibly live my life like this for one more second. Then I realize I don't have the option of saying I don't want this problem God not for one more minute!!!!!!Last night I layed in bed repeating three things over and over that I wanted to have so I prayed for them until I fell asleep. I also feel like I'm angry at Abi on those nights when all she does is scream, I know she can't help it but I just want it to stop and then once I convince her to take her medicine she gags cries says I need to breath, okay thats enough right there to drive ya crazy.....
Dr.B really didn't add much yesterday he said it would be my choice if I wanted to try a new nuerologist , so I think I will go out to Gillete and try a Dr. out there , the only thing she has to review my case to see if she will see Abi, so once again we WAIT!!!
As you probably notice today I'm feeling a little tired and weepy, I know thats okay, I also know God is here with me and he will give me the push I need to say "I can do this today and probably tomorrow".
Thanks for listening to me when all I want to do in boo hoo hoo.....Have a good day.....Maybe God has a great day in store for all of us !!! P.S. Paul after you read this there is no need to call home I'm fine.....Love all of ya Tracie
Peace-out

Monday, June 27, 2005 5:42 PM CDT

Hi everyone!!
Took Matti to the clinic today we saw Dr. Paul, He thought she has croup but there is really nothing to do but let it run its course.
We had a really good night last night everyone slept, Yes you read it right WE ALL SLEPT...........................
Abi seems to be doing better, and by that I mean on/off headaches to where she has to lay down but the good point is no screaming today and that is so great!!!!
Dr. B called to find out about the Mayo so I filled him in on what went on and how I would not be making the trip back! I also told him I once again want to fire our neuro. Doc here because I feel we need someone who will stay with us because Abi's care needs to be pro-active and I need someone who will be with us every step of the way. Not just giving perscriptions and saying good luck,because her little body has paid the price for that too many times.
Dr. B felt we needed to have a conference tomorrow so we are going at 12:30, to make a plan he said..Okay I'm game, and yes I will try to listen to his side..ha ha
I also scheduled Abi for a massage with the lady who gave her massage in the hospital she is so great! so Abi will have that tomorrow at 1:30, I want that for her once a week its a dollar a minute,But for what she has gone through I know she needs it.
So it will be another busy day tomorrow I go to get a crown (Not the Queen kind) at 10:00, then a fun filled day at Childrens..I guess it could be worse I could be spending the day on a bus thats 110 degrees sitting next to a sweaty man while he eats Doritos and sings to the village people. Wow that is worse !!!I feel better already..
I read this bible verse today read it, you almost have to read it twice to get the whole meaning.......

"How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of the messenger who announces peace." Isaiah 52:7

Take care..love ya Tracie Peace out

Sunday, June 26, 2005 12:27 AM CDT

Good morning! Who am I kidding this is us you are talking about..ha ha
Well last night was another sleepless night, Abi crying because her head and stomach hurt, Matti had a barking cough and was having trouble breathing, Kaydee was crying because everyone else in her room was and she had a bad tummy..My Mom and I ended up taking Matti in to the ER because I was pretty scared considering her MCAD you can't really play around when she gets ill. We got there at Childrens around 7:30am and waited around in a room for two hours and still didn't see a Dr., the nurse came in several times and said they haven't been in yet? It was so slow there and two Doctors were on and we didn't see anyone...After two hours I said lets go I will bring her to the clinic tomorrow!!!!Do I have a sign on my head that reads "MAKE MY LIFE AS DIFFICULT AS POSSIBLE PLEASE!!!" Sometimes I think so. Another busy Monday coming up ,Phone calls ya ya ya, so many people to yell at so little time.Just kidding.
Just for today I let go and let God be God in my life.....
Thanks for checking in..love ya Tracie

Saturday, June 25, 2005 8:45 AM CDT

WANTED: PEDIATRIC NEUROLOGIST!!!!!
Has to be good with children, have two ears to listen with, has to know something about Pediatric Neurology.
Has to do something other than drug my child,make her sicker than a dog, and has to try not to damage any other organs.
Good with parents , not too talkative but can hold a conversation, looks at me when I talk and absolutley no pen clicking or other habbits were noise is invloved.

Well here I am another day without a nights sleep......I talked with Jill yesterday trying to hunt down a good Neurologist and she heard the medication that Abi was put on at Mayo and was very concerned, she asked if they knew of her sensitivity to meds and I said I doubt it because in the 15 minutes that we talked I couldn't squeeze it in before the timer went off. She said to watch for signs that she is not tolerating it well, I said what are they again -sleeplessness ,dizziness,extreme sadness, stomach aches, ...blah the list went on....She did say she would research for a Neuro. and get back to me...
I decided last night while Abi was screaming non stop at 4:00am that until we get a Neuro. Dr. that will work with us I am taking her off her meds. She was up all night because of headpain but mainly her stomach hurt so bad...I feel she has been on so many things its time to give it a rest.
All I know is she was doing fairly well off this new med and now shes on it she is a mess....
Once again I'm having to play Dr. because I got no'one, That will change, also I know it can be costly but I feel getting her in for a weekly massage might be a great idea. If anyone knows where to go for that let me know....Thanks bye for now......The journey goes forward....................Peace out..........Tracie

Friday, June 24, 2005 1:51 PM CDT

Home sweet Home....Well I do have to say we couldn't get in to the Ronald Mcdonald house so we stayed at a place (The Staybridge) It was so great the kids got to swim in the inddor pool and they had a one bedroom suite for us and nightly cookouts etc..It was like a summer vaction, except for the Dr. stuff. I was glad to be able to bring all the girls and it worked out great thanks to my Mom.Wish Paul could of been there too!

Well once again not too impressed with the big Mayo, as you read from Pauls note Wed. was a waste of time 6 hours to be clear. Thursday we met with the Neurologist and she was 40 minutes late and then when she did come in she answered 5 calls and kept saying sorry I have to take this, The minute she started talking I knew I was not in the right place. Her thoughts were That Abi might have very sensitive nerve endings from all the medications, so when she experiences little headaches her nerve endings are so sensitive that it sends a severe signal...blah blah blah..Anyway they put her on another trial medication (anti-seizure) and it will take two weeks to get into her system and then we will see after that if it will work.She said to give her no narcotics because that is probably making all this worse. So once again we wait, she wants us back in a month and at that time if this hasn't worked we will start back at square one..Well sister hate to tell ya don't think you will get that chance....My next plan of action is to find a local GREAT Nuerologist and someone who has the time to listen and take care of Abi...In the meantime I will try the new Med. and then (Not to be negative) I will probably put it in the box with all the other hope and dream medications...

The phycologist at the Mayo did ask if We had the support we neede to deal with this because it must be tough? I said to her ya know we have so much support I couldn't even tell you and that is why we will succeed to figure this out...Thanks to all of you for giving us that support month after month after month...We could not do this without you!!!!!!!Thank you...the journey continues Peace-out

Thursday, June 23, 2005 6:19 AM CDT

Well yesterday's meeting with the pain team at the Mayo could have brought better news. We are now back at square one. Once again, nobody had a definitive answer. Tracie and I feel the only advice we were given was to keep using the trial and error method with medicine until we find the one that works best to control the pain. Only thing is, we don't want ANY pain. You know the saying "no news is good news" Well that's not true in our case. It's only frustrating. Let's hope the visit with the neurologist can shed some light on the situation. Pray for patience(which is running thin)

On a lighter note, When I was trying to decide what to make for dinner last night, I came across some veggie buffalo nuggets in the freezer. I thought they can't be bad. The spice of the sauce would be good in fact. Wrong answer! After two bites of these "healthy" morsels, I tossed them out and headed for the golden arches. Sorry Tracie.

Let us be patient and full of hope today.
Paul

Wednesday, June 22, 2005 6:12 AM CDT

Since Tracie is gone for a few days, I will take over.
Well last night was the first quiet night in a long time. However, no one else was at home, and dare I say it was too quiet? I had trouble sleeping without the rest of the family in the house. No need for any one to worry about the way I am eating either. I have not gone to McDonalds yet, but I haven't craved any veggie corn dogs either.

Today I will pray for answers. I have to say that is a little scary. We NEED to know what is going on with Abi, but on the other hand we don't want it to be something that can not be fixed. Anyway, we will need the strength to find the truth.

Thank you for your support,
Paul

Tuesday, June 21, 2005 6:05 AM CDT

Today I will be journaling about Hope. Once again I find myself in the situation where I'm walking into Church and all the lights are off and I'm a little scared but then I look up and see that candle with a small but powerful glow. God will be my light today as we make our trip to Mayo.
I woke up this morning feeling full instead of tired and empty
I am so ready to go get Abi the help that she has been waiting for. We recieved a call yesterday afternoon from the Mayo saying there was an error and Abi is scheduled to see the Dr. on Thursday !!!!Yea, Once again I almost did a cartwheel but held back. Dr. B had come through for us, when I called it meant sqaut but he called and now there was an error, I really dont care how it happened but just glad it did, what a blessing...My Mom will be going with me and all the girls I really can't be seperated from them anymore it makes me too sad. I will of course miss Paul I wish so much that he could go it would make it so less scary..I bet Paul is glad I'm bossy and outspoken now, who would of thought I'd be able to put my Gifts to use..ha ha
Take care everyone and pray pray pray....for Gods will to be done......I will try to keep you updated from the Mayo...Love Tracie

Monday, June 20, 2005 6:55 AM CDT

It has really gotten to the point now that Abi can't really be up for any amount of time without having pain and having to go back and lay down, and she knows to do that before her pain gets really bad. It is just funny that it has gotten to this point and somehow we just let it get here and we've adjusted to it.The feeling around here is like the feeling you get right before the sun goes down that wierd time of day when you are not sure if you want to turn on lights or wait.
I was sitting up last night alone trying to pray but having trouble, I wasn't sure what to pray for anymore . I decided to call unity prayer line (The last time i did that I was preg. with Matti and we thought she had Down syndrome)I told the lady on the phone that I have a little girl whos 7 and she is in constant head pain and I can't stop it so I feel lost and unsure how to pray about it...She continued to help me pray for release of sadness and disapointment and a renewal of strength and Hope...WOW was that what I needed to hear, I did need to let alot of that go to move forward to help Abi, I was already feeling negative about the Mayo , instead of going there with my hands open to welcome the blessings and help.I wrote that prayer in my kitchen and I keep saying it over and over.
I will be calling the Mayo today to beg them to see abi sooner than August, Wed. we are just meeting with the pain team. Dr. B said he also would call if needed...
Have a good day and Thank God for all your blessings and be open to new ones...love ya Tracie peace out!!

Sunday, June 19, 2005 3:15 PM CDT

Hi everyone it's me Paul.Well here it is, Father's day, so I thought that I would add my note for the day. Even though today is supposed to be a day of celebration about being a dad, I got to tell you, it's a little difficult this year. Abi and Tracie had an hour long dispute about Abi taking her medicine today. She finally took it, but Abi cried so hard that she ended up with a headache that the medicine was supposed to relieve. After a couple hours, Abi settled down and so did her pain. Let's hope it stays that way. I ended up sleeping in Kaydee's bed last night so Abi could sleep with Tracie, Matti could sleep in Abi's bunk and Kaydee could sleep in Matti's bunk. Confused yet? So am I. Anyway, this week will be a little tough for me. The rest of the family is headed for the Mayo for a few days. Don't get me wrong. A couple of days without four females telling me what to do, may be relaxing, but, I won't be there when Abi and Tracie see the doctors. That is very frustrating.
So i decided to take my own advice and ask God to give me the S.H.A.F.T. this week.

S trength
H ope
A nd
F aith
To get me through the day.

Thank you god for my wonderful family and making me a very proud Daddy and Husband today.

Talk to you soon,
Paul P.S. Added some new pictures from the Golf tournament check them out

Saturday, June 18, 2005 8:19 PM CDT

Why oh Why did I ask for a nice family weekend!!Did I not know better? Should of...Abi had a terrible morning we rushed around town trying to find a pharmacy that has her new medication, finally Paul found it but by that time she was okay. Then I made the mistake of letting her float in the pool for a little while oh my gosh big mistake....We ended up in the Childrens hospital ER room 3 hours later. Then 6 hours later we left...once again they would of admitted her but I told them I could handle it at home..After they gave her a shot of Demeral...How did we get to this point what a joke!!!Leaving the Er you could tell everyone looking at us thought why are they leaving with Abi crying in pain and looking like a ghost...Hey folks this is our life!!!we are used to it,enjoy those stiches and ear infections because you've got it made......Anyway we have been home a couple hours and Abi is quiet and trying to eat mash potatos so we are taking a break while we can, we will let her sleep with us tonight beacuse I feel it will be a long one..........I di get our info from the Mayo BUT we meet with Pain control on Wed. the we dont get in with the DR. until August 12..What !@##$$%
Are you kidding me!!!!!!@##$$%%%^^^^^&$#$###... Anyway I will be calling them on MOnday. Nichole thinks once they see Abi they will advance her to the Dr. sooner but I will still call and raise a little !@@##$$$%$ because Abi cannot live like this for another 2 months no way!!!
Sorry there is always bad news to report..the good news is I bought a bottle of Champagne yesterday and Told Paul this we will drink when this is all over and we will drink it!!!!!!
fEEL FREE TO SEND US OVER MORE BOTTLES BECAUSE i HAVE A FEELING ONE WONT BE ENOUGH..ha ha ha
Today I pray for strength to hold this family together that seems to be falling apart wrap your arms around our house and keep us safe in your love.......Thanks you guys, love Tracie

Friday, June 17, 2005 7:20 PM CDT

Hello, Well today I have to say went a little better. Abi did wake up crying and in pain but as the day continued she had little headaches and her neck is pretty stiff BUT the pain was controled with just her one medication and that makes me so happy I could go out in the yard and do cartwheels, but for the sake of our neighbors and that they are trying to sell thier home I won't....Will the night go smooth ? who knows,all I care is I had hours and we all did....I'm not sure if turning the shunt down made the differance or if the new med..who knows!!!!!!I just want a nice family weekend ...Anyway still havent heard from the Mayo, Dr. B seems to think first part of next week. The fact that he is on call this weekend makes me feel a little better, usually its scary going into the weekend...Today is Little Sophia's Birthday she is 3( The little girl we met at childrens) I would just like to say she is a joy to this world and knowing that little angel of hope has changed us in ways we probably don't understand. So tonight join me in Thanking God that she is here , because the world is such a better place with her in it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Take care everyone and again thank you for your love and prayers......................Tracie

Thursday, June 16, 2005 7:00 PM CDT

Tonight I was in the kitchen and Paul was out in the back yard playing with the girls, blowing lots of bubbles and giggling.
For a brief moment I saw a glimpse of what life used to be like except for one thing "Abi".
She lays in her room unable to do the things she should be doing because she is in alot of pain!!There was not an hour of sleep for any of us last night Abi was screaming non-stop so she woke up Matti then she started crying, believe it or not Kaydee slept through it . I decided this morning to call Jill and tell her I want ABi's shunt setting turned down, so I called and Jill said Dr. B had called and said the same thing.
I just feel that she is continuosly getting worse her head pain has gone from painful to unbearable. We went to childrens hospital and the plan was to meet in the radiology area (that I know very well) because anytime you change it an x-ray of the bump of her shunt or the valve is the only way to check that it is set right. When we arrived Abi was having such a hard time walking that I took Kaydee out of the stroller and let her ride, Next thing I knew Abi is getting sick vomiting everywhere, we are running down the hall trying to get her in the bathroom, I grab a Dr. or Nurse not sure which tell her to please watch my children and we finally got into the bathroom...As I'm standing with the door open because Matti and Kaydee are outside the door in the hall people are walking by Abi is gasping and throwing up like crazy ..At that moment I thought to myself God is this the bottom? It just has to be doesn't it???????
So to make an ending to yet another horrific day, we got the shunt setting back down and now we pray like crazy we get some relief from that . We also got another pain med to use instead of those other ones it is a strong Motrin but you can only use it for 5 days because it will kill your kidneys!!!!!You had to know that was coming................So for today I am tired, we all are. Haven't heard from the Mayo yet but I pray we do soon..I also realized I have been expecting all this stuff from God but I haven't been taking the time to truely connect with him..So I will work on that , I did read "Wait" last night I just love that book it really centers me...Today I just want to ask God please Please bring our little Abi back...I went in my room yesterday and there lay a little purple cut out heart and on it said I love you Mom, written the cute little kid way .Abi had put it on my pillow to surprise me, That right there is what keeps me strong ,I'm doing it for Her..

Wednesday, June 15, 2005 7:55 PM CDT

Today was a nightmare start!!I guess I was right to be fearful.
We ended up going in to see Dr. B because I just could not get her pain under control, by the time we arrived she had calmed down a little. His thoughts about how to control her pain at home where to use the codiene but the big kick in the pants was when he started talking about bio-feedback relaxation and massage. So what your saying is at 6 am in the morning you want me to deal with Abi's pain while her head is exploding by breathing (tried that with the birth of all three girls and it didn't work then either).
Anyway his next thought that came from Mr. neurologist(or what I like to call him -an Empty Lunchbox) He suggested putting Abi on prozac!!!because maybe we can help her anxiety about her pain!!All I had to say was "wasn't he the guy who about killed her liver when we were in the hospital with his medication knowledge"? So of course I shot that down, okay two down what else ya got.............He said he was going to call Dr. Raunaud at the Mayo she is an amazing Neurologist, so after he talked to her he called me and let me know she wants to do alot of testing on Abi and also would like us to meet with thier pain team who are very well known...How soon can we go I asked, he said they will be in touch, but it shouldn't be long at all..Guess we found out what to spend our fundraiser money on..ha ha , Abi does like it at the Mayo because I told her last time we went that lots and lots of movie stars go there...So anyway back to the pain at home issue, he said not to use the valium unless we have to , no more than 3 times a week...ouch..So I have decided to give her codiene every 4 hours if needed or not at least until these pain cycles get under control,then I can use motrin if she still is in pain last result valium...
I should just throw it all in a blender with some ice cream strawberries and we will all have shakes!!ha ha just kidding....to all the people i cried to on the phone today, I have finally pulled myself back together, but honestly I am running on my last ounce of strength..I know God will recharge me and I also know it is okay to feel weak and sad, This is a sad tough situation...I can still dream and hope for when days will be better, I can soar up above all this like an eagle, I am bigger and stronger than this ,God and I that is.(thanks PJ)..love ya all Tracie

Wednesday, June 15, 2005 6:15 AM CDT

All these is sooooo heavy on our shoulders, we all just have this look on our faces like we have been up for three days.
Abi had a good day yesterday, The minute she went outside to shoot baskets with Paul she started having severe pain in the back of her head, she screamed for hours I could not get the pain under control so I had to call the on call Dr. to see what to do. After codeine and motrin then finally valium the scream stopped..I think i will have to make the decision to keep her in and not doing much until we figure this out because it is not worth the pain she has to go through. 10 minutes of being outside causes 3 hours of bad pain.
It is hard for me waking up now , I'm usually a morning person get up happy and joyous for the Day the Lord has made. Now honestly I wake up fearful of what will haqppen for Abi.....Today I pray so hard for peace for her One day God PLEASE!!!!One day no pain PLEASE!!!!For all of us.

My Mom will be taking Matti on a special outing to lunch and toys r us and then they both will get haircuts, she is very excited I know this has been really hard on her, she has crying nightmares almost everynight.
Have a peaceful day.......Pray for peace.............Happy Birthday goes out to Meridel (Pauls MOM)We thank God for you!!!! P.s.just a quick update We are taking her in today because she woke up screaming , hopefully they will admit her.......

Tuesday, June 14, 2005 10:10 AM CDT

Hello,
Well yesterday went very unexpectedly, Dr.B basically said I don't know so he left to think and then when he returned he said here is what I think....
A. Take her off her migraine med. for obvious reasons.
B. Get her a pain med. Since valium in not a pain med.(he gave us tylenol with codeine).
C. We need a new set of eyes we have all been involved in this too long.
D. Go back to the Mayo to see the Neurologist out there.
E. Check her labs by doing a blood draw. (they were fine).

I pretty much agreed with all that he said I do feel it is time to move on. Do I want to go to Mayo? Not really but if it gets us closer to getting this under control we will travel, soon I hope. He said he would call me tomorrow after talking with The neurologist here. I also spoke with Jill at Neuro-surg she didn't sound thrilled that we were going out there, and said she wanted to speak with Dr. Nagib and get back to me today! About what who knows.....
We had major pain issues last night because Abi kept gagging on her new med, Today I will mash it up in apple sauce wish me luck on that!!!!!Yesterday Paul was mowing the lawn and I was in the house and Matti and Kaydee were out in the yard, I never realized how consumed I am with all this until I discovered Kaydee (our 2 year old) had gotten out the gate went into the garage got a stuffed Mickey Mouse and luckily came back in the gate and didnt go in the alley!!!!!!But the point is I was so wrapped up in Abi I didn't even notice, that could of been a life changing event!!I laid in bed just hating myself for that all night . Then It made me wonder about all the happy stuff i may be missing? Okay I am done beating myself up now...Anyway the good news is I think as parents we are just suppose to do our best!!at least thats what my pamplet said..
Have a good day and get that butterfly net out and catch some of Gods blessings coming your way today, I sure am......Bye for now Tracie

Monday, June 13, 2005 11:51 AM CDT

Abi continued to have a terrible weekend, I called the Drs on call several times but we never went into the ER. This morning I got up and started calling all of them at 7:59 so I could get the first apts. but of course I didn't 2:30 is the soonest and Dr B didnt have anything but called me and said he would see us instead of the other Dr. I got in to see.
I asked him if he thought we should do some labs or a spinal tap, he said maybe labs but no tap because he didn't know what we would do with the info. My concern is because of so much on and off neck stiffness maybe she has an infection...WHO KNOWS!!!!!!I just feel if they were doing thier job I would not have to sit and figure all this out!!!I really feel defeated already and I havent gone to the clinic yet. All I know is we cannot live like this we have to start working on getting our life back together, but until we get all these pain issues under control nothing is right!
I long for the day when Abi and her sisters are playing all day in the yard and we have to beg them to come in because it's bath time,I'm back at work and getting to be around so many great people, Paul doesn't have to go to work wondering the trials going on at home....Just time to enjoy the blessings right now it is hard to see out of the paper bag we've fallin in , every once in a while I see a glimse of our life but then the bag is twisted shut again.
I will go once again today with God by my side and pray that Abi gets the help and pain relief she so desperatly needs. Who knows today may be the day? Bye for now ---Blessings to all of you...Tracie

Saturday, June 11, 2005 1:44 PM CDT

I have to say in writing this I can't keep the tears from falling,Abi has had the worst night and day so far that we have experienced in a while since the hospital. I can honestly say I feel pretty alone with this I have contacted the Drs office and all of them know us except one and guess who we have on call him. I did however get him to order another perscription of valium but it is not taking the edge off today. (for Abi not me)... I caleed Neuro surg. and they said because of her shunt setting being adjusted have her sit up and then good luck....Tried that it didnt work...So now it comes down to do we bring her to the ER where they can do really nothing to help her or do we tuff it out at home and listen to her scream. As a Mom one of the hardest things is to see your child in so much pain and having them call out your name to fix it and you just can't!! I prayed for God last night to make her comfortable and to stop the screaming but I guess he has other plans.So now comes the time where I sit and figure out what to do? And to be honest I don't know. I will pray about it but Paul and I are having a tough time today with all of this. Last night she was screaming so loud that we had to take her out of her room because Matti and Kaydee were scared to death. so she layed in our bed all night crying. none of us got any sleep... So for the minute I just pray for peace and the knowledge to know what to do to help her....Thanks for listening...Tracie

Friday, June 10, 2005 12:32 AM CDT

Wow, yesterdays Golf and Dinner event was just amazing not sure how I will ever begin to thank Julie and Phil and all of you who came and contributed. Abi had a great time also I think she is a little tired today but she really thought it was pretty special.
Again Thank you for all your support it was so wonderful to talk with and see each one of you.
MY Mom and I did decide the annual Garage Sale most go on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!so if anyone wants to stop on by rain or shine 8-5 Fri. and Sat. Todays is short but sweet....
Thank you again ...all of you are blessings.

Wednesday, June 8, 2005 7:28 PM CDT

Hello, It has been a busy couple of days. We went for Abi's ct scan and shunt series and of course nothing new to report, But they did decide to turn her shunt up so it would not flow as much because she did have small ventricles.(Abi has a programable shunt so they put a machine with a magnet to her head and it can change the setting, where as with the others surgery is required).So anyway leaving there was a little scary because in the past anytime they have changed it Abi has not tolerated it and we always end up in the hospital but so good so far right now. I guess i was hoping it would be our miracle answer but she is still the same as far as headaches.
We did go to the eye specialist today and he said her eyes are starting to turn in and that can be causeing some vision trouble but he thinks that episode of blindness was probably due to her medication.So now we have to get stronger glasses for her not for vision but to hopefully solve the eye turning problem if it doesn't help in two months we may have to --------you guessed it operate!!!!I should of guessed that was coming..We also found out from Matti's metabolic Dr. that she does have the more serious strain of MCAD , but they are already monitoring her closely so nothing much will change except they are increasing her daily medications. I should be a pharmacist to handle all this medication I'm working with...wow! I can't even watch my soap opera anymore because for once all those people have it better than me!!ha ha..
The key is to take it one breath at a time, keep a smile on your face and God in your heart. I can't change what Matti has she will have that the rest of her life but as far as Abi goes I still feel like I can do something to change it!!So you and I will keep fighting and ya know someday I will probably not need a caringbridge page but of course you guys I will keep..Bye for now hope to see most of you at Columbia Golf course tomorrow night.....God Bless Tracie

Monday, June 6, 2005 1:48 PM CDT

Hello, how is everyone?
I thought I should ask about you guys for a change because it's always all about us.....Ha Ha
I can't wait for the Golf tournament/Dinner coming up on Thursday, From what Julie said there is still time to sign up, The Nativity Jazz band will also be there and selling thier new CD,should be alot of fun Paul and I can't wait to see all of you some we haven't seen in a while.
Abi will be there as long as her head holds out, she has been having pretty frequent headaches , probably about 6 a day. Last night she cried the whole night beacuse of head and stomach pain, so when you see me on Thursday don't expect Cinderella instead I will be the overtired wicked step -sister....I talked with Dr. B this morning first I apologized for being snippy with him the other day, It really isn't his fault all the other Drs don't know what to do...anyway he said because Abi's headaches are happening more he wants to do a CT scan tomorrow and a shunt series(to make sure the shunt isnt malfunctioning), Then we will go over to see Jill at Neuro-surg and she will read the films and decide if we should adjust the shunt setting or what we should do...sounds like another fun day at childrens...
And of course my trusted nanny 911 is coming over to watch the girls(my MOM).Answers have to come sometime so I will wait..I decided that last night laying bed it is so hard for me to go to sleep because I lay there thinking I have to figure all this out somehow and I think about what Drs I should call and what should I say etc....It is a wonder I haven't gone CRAZY!!!!maybe I have? Do you know your Crazy when you go crazy or are you just crazy? you can get back to me on that one.
I found a new bible verse I really like I will share it with you-----"Be strong and couragous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."-Joshua 1:9
Remember the burning candle at Nativity, Even though you feel alone in the dark and scared God is the light that shines and shows you the way, and all it takes is that simple little flame of Hope.....Bye for now I will carry those thoughts with me tomorrow to the Doctors....Bye for now......P.S. Tonight I am going to Thank God for all of You. Love Ya Tracie

Saturday, June 4, 2005 6:34 PM CDT

Today was actually a not so bad day. Abi cried a couple of times in the night because her head hurt but was able to fall back asleep after about an hour. This morning she was doing pretty good we were all outside there was a brief time She came in screaming and had to lay down because of her head then she felt sick , my first thought was here we come E.R. but after laying there a while and when she was able to take some valium things got better. It is amazing the things you get used to...My Mom and I were going to have our annual Garage sale next weekend , For a minute I thought I had a normal life!!!Like I would be able to pull that off...Anyway we are putting it off for a little while.Today I have felt like the weather, Sunny good mood then It slides into the Let's feel sorry for myself I'm sick of all this mode , then back up to the I can handle it !!!!The bottem line is I will handle it , because there are no options.. I do feel when you are in situations like these it is okay to say POOR ME!!!!WHY OUR FAMILY!!!!!WHY WHY WHY........And then that little Pastor Glenn voice comes into my head talking to me about HOPE and Trusting!!!Lean not on my own understanding...Thats good because I do not understand all this! I do believe God does , I will continue to open my arms and let all his blessings come in...Bring'em on!!!!!
Have a good weekend Thanks for listening......Tracie

Friday, June 3, 2005 2:35 PM CDT

Well the Dr. visit went okay. Lots of things he wants to do, First he did say that he does not alarm easy ( I took that as he is alarmed with what he sees). He is going to look into these tics she is now having because there are many conditions that can bring those on(he will check with our Neurologist for that). He wants Abi to do physical Therapy first before considering another operation in the hopes that maybe just maybe this will be muscular. Then possibly some tpye of injections.Kind of unsure about that. He was very concerned about her hip pain that is hurting her to walk and bend, There is a condition that can occur from steroid use that affects the bone that goes into the hip...Wouldnt that be just WONDERFUL!!!!so we have to have an MRI of her hips to make sure thats not what this is, from how they talked it is nothing we would want. We also have to watch her headpain and journal to see if we need to adjust her shunt , because she might be over-draining..So as always we have alot of bee's in the hive , we wouldn't want boredom to set in. They were also glad I had made the eye exam because they can get alot of clues from that as far as pressure on the brain etc...
Thanks for hanging in there with me today, I felt your strength....Thank you to the people who sent cards to Abi she got three today and was so excited.....God Bless all of you thank you for being part of our journey, I think we have a ways to go yet!!!!!! Tracie

Friday, June 3, 2005 6:56 AM CDT

This morning I have to tell you I'm scared, I know Paul is too we really didn't say too much to each other last night because we have been down this road before and we know that another operation is a possibility.
Thats the thing another brain operation scares me to death but there is also a chance he will say there is nothing I can do and that also scares me....I guess we will see our apt. is at 8:00. I always feel like a small child when I meet with those two but I have all my facts typed up so all I have to do is hand it to them and answer questions.....This morning I pray for guidance and strength to do the right thing.....Thanks Bye for now Tracie

Thursday, June 2, 2005 1:13 PM CDT

The trip to Dr. B's went pretty well yesterday, He basically did all the usual tests, touch your nose to my finger ,stand on one foot, sing the sun will come out tomorrow(just kidding about that last one).
Anyway he noticed her neck stiffness and the way she keeps blinking her eyes and moving her tongue (could posibly be tics). We didnt really do anything (shocker) but he had to make phone calls to the Neuro-surgeon and the neurologist Dr. and then he would call me right away.
He called today and I have to say I'm pretty upset by what he said, He said Dr. J(the neurologist) Said that it sounds like tics and if we need to we can take meds for them. He then went on to ask me why I was giving Abi Valium was it because she has anxiety or because of pain? I then made it very clear that I would not give Abi valium because I felt she was anxious.Why do I feel like I'm speaking another language with these people...anyway then he said maybe alot of her problem is anxiety and we should contact bio-feedback , I said I did not feel that would be the case. He said that it could be scar tissue build up or some type of muscle strain that we should try heat and motrin, I have tried that for a week and I feel we have more than muscle issues. I ended the call with the fact that someone better step up to the plate and find out what is going on and fix it because we have a 7 year old who wants her life back!!!!!!And a family of 5 who does too.
One hour later I got a call from the Neurosurg. office and they said they could see us tomorrow at 8:00am so we will see what happens after that, I have to say I'm a little scared to go because we may have to make the decision to put Abi through another operation....Paul and I will pray hard for guidance.
I do know for a fact we cannot live like this it is just tearing us all up!!!!My daily word that I read said for today- Whatever my current circumstance, I know that there is the element of divine order in it. I trust God to reveal the way to my greater good..........................
I do feel like God is showing us the roads to take and I feel Abi has a stiff neck because we are suppose to follow the signs kind of like doing a dot to dot. I only hope there is an end to this long long puzzle. If there isn't we will learn how to live with it but we will have tried everything first! Thanks for checking in it's Great to know you are there! Tracie

Wednesday, June 1, 2005 6:06 AM CDT

Hello to everyone, Today we are off to the Doctor once again , Abi just isn't doing very well there are several things starting to happen and we really need some answers why!
She really has no range of motion in her neck, it is so stiff and painful I keep giving her valium to help her with that but it hasn't really made a differance. There is pain in her hips to where it hurts when she walks, and a little bit of a change in mental status she keeps having tongue protrusions like she can't keep her tongue in her mouth, Its just not her, watching her walk and get around yesterday just killed my heart, Someone has to be able to help her, hopefully today they will do some tests or something. I did talk with nuero-surg yesterday they moved up our apt. still not until the 10th, Dr. Nigab is going to look over all her films again before we come in. Of course we are still dealing with headpain that seems to be the lesser of the evils right now. Kare-11 did a story about Abi's golf tournament and dinner coming up on June 9th and it made me sad when I saw her little face on TV knowing that was my little girl on there....How did we get where we are? I do have extra prayers today- Sophia isn't doing great her moms afraid they will be going back to the hospital soon. Julie still feels pretty awful (She has MS) So if you could pray for them too.......Wish me luck today at the Doc. ......
Dear God today I need my tank filled to do all the things you have in-store for me, also if you don't mind hold my hand too.......................Thanks you guys , Love Tracie
I know this might come across needy but if you could send Abi a little note I know she would appreciate it, I know she is feeling pretty crummy- Abi Christopherson 2337 Harding street N.E. Mpls, MN. 55418 Thank you

Monday, May 30, 2005 10:45 AM CDT

Well just when you think it won't get worse...Abi was up crying all night sick and with a headache, This morning she was up crying most of the time but now seems quiet but laying on the couch with a pillow on her head not wanting to eat or really do anything..I will be on the phone making a few calls tomorrow I am so sick of this..enough is enough I mean it to !!!!!!No more misses nice girl ...Abi should not have to be miserable like this and it is really hurting all of us.....I will write more tomorrow for now I'm just angry...love ya Tracie

Sunday, May 29, 2005 7:52 PM CDT

Hello, This weekend hasn't been the best Abi has been doing stuff but it is so frustrating that if she plays she has to lay down with a headache afterwards, to me that doesn't seem fair.How can those many headaches be migraines???????Tonight I've given her a couple extra meds. her valium and that didn't really help so I chased it with motrin. I will call the Doc's on Tuesday, hopefully they will all have wonderful weekends...ha ha .
Pretty tired tonight so not much to say, once again I want Abi to be Abi and so I will keep praying for that.......God bless
Thanks to all those people who fight for our country!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, May 27, 2005 9:03 AM CDT

Good-Morning...I am so glad it is Friday, I don't know about you but gosh what a long week wow!!!
The apt. with Matti went pretty well except for the fact that she punched me in the face and knocked my earring off.She is not a big fan of having blood taken, the part that cracks me up is you have the child-life people in there basically trying to get her to not be scared and to calm down , but after about an hour of that (Matti is not really falling for any of it) she says okay wrap your arms around her and put your leg over her knees lets get this done..so much for bubbles and stickers.Matti had to be tested to see what strain of MCAD she has , the more severe or less serious, we will find out in two weeks ( I wish they could keep the info to themselves because With the way our lucks running I wouldnt hop on a plane to Vegas).
Dr. Berry did say she would set us up with a pediatric Nuero-surgeon from the University she thinks a new pair of eyes would be good. We went on a famous trip to Target yesterday and once we got there and I had everyone settled I noticed Abi started crying she said the back of her head was hurting pretty bad , so of course trying to hurry through Target with three kids , two fighting one crying from pain and me not being able to find the toilet paper (they change that store so much) anyway we made it home and she was fine. Last night she was up alot crying because of leg pain , I spent most of the time trying to get her not to scream because all I needed was Matti and KK to wake up , thats the bad thing about them all in one room, other than sleeping it does work. Paul and I were suppose to have a date night tonight but to be honest I'm not sure I have the energy to leave the house, or enough cover-up for the circles under my eyes..ha ha .................
I may not be able to write for a while because I plan on winning the 215 million on Sat. Remember God wants GREAT things for us , and I'm pretty sure thats what he has in mind for Paul and I.....So today open up your windows and doors and just let Gods love flow in and the blessings too!

Prayers for Julie to feel better.......Some for Nichole too ....Bye for now have a good weekend......

Wednesday, May 25, 2005 6:13 AM CDT

Good morning Sorry it has taken me so long to journal life has its way of keeping us busy. Today I take Matti to see Dr. Berry at the U of M , I feel she is very connected and possibly can help get us on the right track for finding Abi some help. Today is usually a 3 hour apt. Matti has a metabolic coordinator and a nutritionalist then we see the Dr. and hopefully there will be no pokes (as Matti calls them) she does not sit still for those,it is a nightmare really.
I do have an apt. for Abi set for June 8th with an eye specialist I do not believe her having trouble with her sight was due to a migraine, so I made an apt with the eye Dr. she saw in the hospital, He got us in really fast he was booked until August and we somehow got in in June....For us the wait period is over I really feel God has filled our tanks and said lets get going , and her not being able to see for that brief moment was my wake up call..
I took Abi to see her class yesterday , as we were outside everyone Yelled " Look it's Abi" my heart just melted, I don't know but it seems that these first graders have really learned alot about love and compasion in the eye of illness I have never in my life seen such a caring loving group of kids. My praise goes to every Mom and Dad of Abi's class because what a great job you have done !!!Really i mean that.Sitting there yesterday watching Abi talk with her classmates it was all I could do to hold in the tears, I kept thinking of all she had missed and how I wish she could have that time back and her life back to just have the worries of basic childhood.
Today lets remember we can move mountains with our mustard seed faith and today God has great miracles and blessings planned for us so don't miss them ,look for them!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love ya Tracie
Extra prayers go to Becky's Mom, Sophia, Julie

Julie and Phil wanted me to remind everyone if you are planning to go to only the Dinner (Texas BBQ) and the silent auction they need to know because they are trying to do a head count for that. Also if you need info on the June 9th event Call Julie or Phil--612-789-4129 send those slips in today if you haven't for golfing (great fun awaits you!!)

Sunday, May 22, 2005 9:58 PM CDT

The bad thing for me about this journal is the fact that it is hard for me not to be honest. I feel most of you have come along this journey with us and I want to be truthful with you about how things are going. I feel like our family right now is this giant puzzle and everytime some of the pieces come together to start making somewhat of a picture of what a family looks like the table gets bumped and all of the work gone into it lands on the floor, and then the process begins again. there are just so many stresses right now that it is really hard to keep the peace. I've began walking again and it really helps but sometimes I can't go fast enough I feel when I'm done I've almost pulled every muscle below my kneecaps.The kids have nightmares, Kaydee still isn't sleeping , I have to start back to work in June because like everyone else in America we can't make it on one income, I love my job ,but i feel anxious about the devotion I will be giving it right now.I know Abi is struggling with her eyes, she lost her sight for a brief minute Friday Morning, it really scared her I called Dr. B and all he could say is lets up her dose of meds. it was probably another type of migraine...I was so mad at that, none the less I didn't up her meds she is shakey on what she is on now and I do not believe it was a migraine....we need a hero , a Knight in shinning armor, a Mother Theresa , A DOCTOR THAT KNOWS HOW TO FIX THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I feel like most the frustration comes from being the parents of a child who looks to you to make things better and we just can't.. Abi is even making excuses for things like when her eyes go bad she will say the sun is in them(when it is cloudy), and when she falls alot she will say I tripped on this or that, Same when her leg falls asleep she thinks oh its okay it wakes up again..All these things make me really sick..
Like the woman said on the news that had lost three of her children to a drunk driver "How can I say I trust God if I don't trust him all the time, even when things are really really bad ". I think Trust means to me, the calmness in a really bad time , The little voice that says it is okay ,I am here. God to me is going into my girls room at night and seeing thier little faces and listening to them breath and knowing they are safe, in our prayers everynight we say, Wrap your arms around our house and keep us safe...and he has...I hope my page doesn't seem like I'm saying poor us , because I'm not and I am thankful for so many things because we are very blessed. I just am basically saying I'm sick of this and God I am still waiting for a direction to go to...(God is probably saying "it is always about you isn't it Christopherson". ) Then I would say " Okay I will let you run the show, I do get a little bossy".
Thank you for listening I had alot to vent!! And we are fine DON'T SEND BAKE GOODS!!!ha ha

Thursday, May 19, 2005 12:34 AM CDT

Well last night was the straw that broke the moms back. Kaydee and Matti were up crying so this morning I took them both to see Dr. B, Checked Matti for strep and figured Kaydees problems are allergies. So basically I will be buying benadryl by the truck loads..
Abi feels pretty good, she just doesn't look that good to me, Dr. B said Dr. Nigab wants to see us in his office(he is the Neuro-surgeon) So I will call and set that up, anytime we have ever met with him it means an Operation, so we will see.
Also Dr. B said do not have her get a crown right now that is just asking for trouble so he wants us to wait at least 2 months for that..Abi is happy , I am a little to.

Extra prayers today go for our friend and fundraiser , Julie where would we be without her, She is under the weather with her MS so please pray for her and her family. No great wisdom today , too tired ..have a good one. love ya Tracie

P.S. Kaydee is no longer for sale we decided to give her another chance...ha ha

Wednesday, May 18, 2005 12:35 AM CDT

FOR SALE: 2 YEAR OLD TODDLER, NAME - kAYDEE (FEEL FREE TO CHANGE IT). Very friendly good with other children, Never sleeps , we will include her bed anyway. Will send along fav. toys and outfits. She would be a great addition for families on the go since she never sleeps at night and is pretty active. Starting bid 2000.00$ or best offer, Grandmother included!!!! I guess you can tell by my add, Kaydee still isn't sleeping at night..How long can this go on!!!boy oh boy. The Dr. went fine yesterday I was all set to go in there full force and then I didnt even get my list out, what a big chicken...I just get so tired talking about all this that I get sick of hearing myself. He did say he was concerned about the fact that she can't look up very well and that she is having pain in the back of her head at night enough to wake her up crying. He is going to make some phonecalls and get back to me. I did ask him what he thought about getting a second pair of eyes and he said I wouldn't know why we would. I mentioned that I don't want to get too comfortable with her condition just because we are not in the ER or hospital. I had a dream for the short time I slept about him calling and saying that they were going to put her on more meds. I said NO and fired him.......I will let you know when he calls..........I think as far as Kaydee goes I should take her in for a cat scan it is only a matter of time until we find out her condition, I know thats not even funny..If extreme homes doesn't come soon I will get a hammer and some nails and build on to the house myself, how hard can it be ????I read daily word everyday and todays was just what I needed to hear- God is an unfailing strength and unwavering light in whatever I am experiencing. God provides me with the light of divine wisdom in every situation and encourages me to know there is smoother sailing ahead.So I keep on moving forward!!!!isn't that so true we all just keep moving forward. I know at times doesn't it really seem that your lost and by yourself , the good news is we are Not!!!and we are all going on the path that we are suppose to be on ,even though alot of the time I say who's path is this I think I missed a turn..ha ha Have a great day the sun will be here soon , when it does thank God for it!!!!Take the time to appreciate it...bye for now...I know I'm turning into a e-mail preacher , just call me sister Tracie

Tuesday, May 17, 2005 11:48 AM CDT

Well off to the Dr. we go I know he will say "She looks great", That is great if you are talking about a terminal illness but as far as we know we are not. I feel it is time to start working on some of these issues. When I talked to Jill yesterday she said come see Dr. Nigab and I in 3 weeks and we will see how things are I told her she is having pain and cant look up very well her comment was "That is probably the graft netting " will it be like that for the rest of her life, I asked, Unsure, she said ...Why is this getting funnier and funnier!!!!!Ha Ha I'm not laughing though. It is almost like looking in a funny mirror, the more you see yourself like that you get used to it and it gets to seem okay.....I don't want it to get comfortable, I can't let it for her sake....Anyway wish me luck today and we will see what comes out of it..I know when I take Matti next week to her Metabolic specialist apt (She has MCAD) I am going to ask her Dr. for some advice she is very well connected all over the world and I know she would be glad to help.....Today I pray for wisdom and for God to walk with me and guide me . I know that may mean waiting!!Take care and smile at someone who frowns at you today...I love doing that...Bye

Monday, May 16, 2005 10:37 AM CDT

I feel like my lfe is a baseball game, Bases loaded up to bat people cheering for me and all I need is one good pitch and I will have a hit and then everything will flow like it is suppose to. I have been researching all morning trying to figure out this medical mystery. I always feel if I keep looking hard enough I will find it.I have a call in to Jill from nuero-surgery so I can ask her about symptoms of someone reacting to a dura patch graft. I'm sure she will respond in the usual way , it could never be that!!!!!oh well I keep searching anyway. I am going to ask Dr. B some hard questions tomorrow so I hope he is ready...Here I am trying to eat super healthy and it is raining dounuts!!!!!That is my major weakness I had to laugh because I went to my dentist Sat. and his wife gave me flowers and dounuts(great dentist hugh) and then Elizabeth Joncas showed up at our door last night wearing a crispy cream hat giving us dounuts how could I not eat one ha ha ...or two....I asked Paul if he had been calling people to bring in food for his survival...Actually good news we found a wheat pasta that he will eat. YEA!!I love teasing him...That whole time I was at the hospital I wasn't here to Nag him so I must make all that up and I am sure if you ask him he will say I'm doing very well..I was at Target yesterday and recieved a hug and support from a women I have seen and talked to at church but never knew her name, How wonderful to know all of you are there and praying for us when there are so many things in this world to focus on ..Thank you so much!! and if that woman that touched my heart yesterday could please sign in I would love to know your name officially... Take care and remember to..WAIT for God....Thanks for that book Marianne I read it everynight....

Sunday, May 15, 2005 8:14 AM CDT

I don't know if any of you read my Mom's message but if you wonder where alot of my strength comes from it is from her love for me.....Couldn't do it without her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Abi seems to be having some problems, last night she would wake up crying about the back of her head hurting, in the area of the operation last Dec. when her headpain started?? I don't know what it is going to take for them to start looking at that mesh netting they inserted but I will find out and maybe it is time to go somewhere else. They said if we can just keep her at home we can work on an out-patient basis, the problem with that is as long as she is not in the er screaming they seem to think everything is okay. Hello,she is not fixed and I want our lives back instead of like Nichole always says we are waiting for the other shoe to drop, that is not a comfortable feeling or a way to live your life.How can you really ever plan anything? Believe me I don't want her to have anymore brain operations but I feel we have come too far to settle. Boy, I'm a firecracker this morning !!!!!I recieved a spectacular book called "Wait", it talks about waiting on God , that is hard for us to do I think but I also feel when we rush and hurry we miss the gifts and guidance God gives us. So instead we WAIT. If your like me I pray and ask then I look up almost like he is going to send a flair or an instant answer. But then I remember that I don't know everything..shocker!!!! God does!!!!!Have a great day , Julie and Phil have informed me they need more golfers for Abi's Golf Tournament,(You don't have to be good Paul's playing Ha ha ) It is all about FUN......There is also a dinner you can attend without golfing and a silent auction..it should be great and I know alot of hard work has gone into it PLEASE CALL Phil or Julie McCleellan (612)789-4129.....................If interested in the book ----Wait ,A journey to discovering the heart of God --Russell Kelfer Illustrated by Marianne Richmond

Friday, May 13, 2005 3:33 PM CDT

This morning was a little rough around the edges. It was the first morning in a long time Abi woke up screaming because of headache I thought at first i was dreaming but I wasn't, I got her med. that I'm suppose to give under her tongue well there we sat waitng for it to melt and it didnt so finally Abi spit it out , and after talking with the Dr. He said he gave me the non-melting kind by accident so of course I said in a joking fashion , What kind of Dr. are you!!!!!!Anyway her headache did go away it didnt last very long and we made it...She is having other issues vision disturbances and her right leg and foot seem to be falling asleep alot even while standing. Those issues we will tackle on our Tuesday visit. I even went to the clinic today, And believe it or not I'm probably suffering from Stress, anxiety and exaustion....I can't believe I paid someone for that ...So I am suppose to go to a far away island for 3 months and eat strawberries dipped in rum and get daily massages..So you won't be hearing from me for a while. Ha Ha....Anyway my getaway right now is going downstairs to do laundry without anyone knowing.......wow!!!!!Have a great weekend everyone and get some rest and try to relax....Drs orders...

Thursday, May 12, 2005 11:46 AM CDT

The meatless chicken patties were a hit the kids had the bocca chicken nuggets and they loved them and never knew the differance. Abi is still doing well we all kind of had a rough night Abi was crying about something all night, Matti had bad dreams and well you know Kaydee she just wants to be up and there is nothing i can do about it since they all share a room..Sleep is so over-rated anyway, I wouldn't know what to do anyway if I didn't have these dark circles under my eyes.I have always tried to look on the positive side of everything if I can and I do feel the positive side of this so far has been the love and support from our friends. Meeting new people and learning a little about them, that I probably wouldn't of known.The down side is to learn how many families and children are medical mysteries and in need of cures and answers.That is true frustration...to say the least...Today I pray for the knowledge of knowing there is sun under every cloud, rainbows after rain and Is'nt it nice to know we never have to walk alone anywhere or through anything! I love that Gods there saying "I love you so much and I will NEVER leave you".

Wednesday, May 11, 2005 12:10 AM CDT

Poor Abi just can't get a break, at the dentist yesterday she has some gum problems, and a huge cavity on her back molar that is going to need a crown, they think alot of her problem is probably medication related..So I get to bring her in a girl who has bad head pain to get a crown..Sometimes lfe feels like being in a storm with the tornado sirens going off hail hitting your back and the storm cellar door is stuck.I know we all feel like that at times, dont we? But the good news is she has no headpain and she is able to function for now. Jill (the nurse practitioner of Dr. Nigab) called to see how Abi was I told her she did have some neck stiffness but she said we won't worry about that now,I guess thats because we may need something to focus on this summer, Ha Ha. Anyway, Tonight we will be having meatless chicken breasts on wholegrain buns, I will let you know how that goes over...Hope to see you all at the Golf/dinner on June 9th, it sounds like so much fun.(need info call Julie or Phil at 789-4129). Keep your hands open today for lots of blessings!!!!!!love ya Tracie P.s. Sophia is doing well at home keep her in your prayers...

Tuesday, May 10, 2005 7:23 AM CDT

This is the day the Lord has made;let us rejoice and be glad in it. Abi has been doing pretty good, she is having some issues with some shakiness and balance, we catch her running into stuff and holding on when she walks , I will ask her if she is having trouble and she gets upset and almost starts to cry and says NO. I feel there might be more going on then she wants us to know. We also noticed last night that when she goes to look up her neck is stiff in the back , I will have to bring that up to Dr. B when he calls to check in. I know that is always a warning sign of spinal menengitis, or it could be the Mesh netting that I have always thought we should remove. Who knows. I would just really like to have a good summer with the family, Matti said last night she needs to go see Cinderella at Disney World, I said why and she replied I just need to! I don't think she knows you have to get there and then it costs a million dollars for a family of 5, I think she assumes we just get in the car and there we are..ha ha ! Today the girls go to the dentist my only hopes are A.That Matti doesn't bite anyone B. That Abi doesn't have serious dental problems from being in the hospital that long..I will let you know I am sure I will have a funny story to tell. I have to say to all of you I have spoken with if I don't seem myself I am sorry I still feel like I am in a fog, not really 100 percent myself yet...We are still eating really healthy and ya know what the kids are doing great with it, Paul is having a little trouble we had wheat spagetti noodles last night we are all cleaning our plates and i could tell by his face that he hated it..so I want the women at his work to get on him and tell him to be a little more supportive of this change. Get him to drink more water too..Thanks(he is gonna love that i put this in, ha ha)Anyway have a good day everyone, I hope your still checking in I guess if your not i am just talking to myself, oh well i knew i was crazy already.......Bye Tracie

Sunday, May 8, 2005 8:49 AM CDT

Happy Mothers Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This day probably means more to me than it ever has before. I have seen the incredible strength of so many Mothers during my stay in the hospital. Nichole, her daughter still being a medical mystery just keeps going back and forth from hospital stay to hospital stay never seeing an end in sight, but yet she smiles and has another daughter and she just does it there are no other choices for her. Rochele, who had an amazing faith and strength to say goodbye to her son and talked about how she knew in her heart they were smiling at baby Alex as he was entering into Heaven. Carrie, the single young Mother of Domonic who will always have serious medical issues, but with the love and support of family she is gonna make it through.. Anyone with a child that has special needs always hears, "How are you so strong, I dont know if I could do what you deal with everyday". When we gave birth to our children we never knew what the road held for them or us, but to be honest it didnt matter we knew they were a gift from God and they continue to be... I know we all read books but I don't know about you mine skipped a few chapters..called real life...Here's a perfect baby book - Having a baby is like riding in a car without a seatbelt going against traffic during rush hour, eating tacobell.....Anyway , have a wonderful Mothers day and know in your heart what a great job you are doing and how we are all the same going day after day doing the best darn job we can......Tracie

Saturday, May 7, 2005 8:18 AM CDT

Here it is Saturday and still things are okay!!!Boy it would be so nice to have an adverage family weekend , with yardwork shopping chores etc....we will see. It helps to know Dr. B is on call so he is there this weekend if I need him. He did check in yesterday and was happy to hear that things were good. We promised Abi a new bike for her Birthday so we are going to go with her today to get that, she is very excited.Children grow up so fast I can't hardly believe it . My Moms birthday is on Sunday so we will have a real Mom's celebration glad we are all together for that.(glad Nichole is home for that too). To me , I don't know about you I am reminded everyday that it's Mothers day , between the poopy diapers the nightmares in the middle of the night, so much food on the floor after dinner that it clogs the vacum or the ups, being able to listen to the sounds of your children breath at night, that first thing in the morning hug, All the art work made just for you...It is all worth it....Have a great day and know that you mean alot to us ,Thanks.......

Friday, May 6, 2005 7:53 AM CDT

Hello, well a couple good days down we will see how the weekend goes it always seems thats when our trouble begins. Abi has been able to get out and enjoy some fresh air , it is so good to see her outside with her sisters. They are even fighting again not too fond of that but i will take it. Paul and I have even gone two days without fighting with each other so I really do believe we are coming together slow but sure.Getting my haircut last night and having to sit in front of a mirror for an hour i realized how much this has aged me not to be vain ,I swear i look like a women in my 60's, the 21 year old blond hairstylist said" I see what you mean about your grey hair but at least it is only a big chunk in the hairline and not all over". Thank you I feel so much better ! boy I feel like a million bucks after that...ha ha , That will teach me to leave the house. I guess in high school i wasn't voted most likely to age well, but thats okay I've got a great personality..ha ha , have a great day take in some of that sunshine and know God sent that to remind you of him and the greatness he wants for all of us......Just for today expect GREAT things from God, hold your hands open....love ya Tracie

Wednesday, May 4, 2005 12:29 AM CDT

Yesterday we had Dr B apt. and it went well , he was glad to see Abi with a smile and able to walk in on her own. He gave me a new perscription in case she starts to get a headache through her other med. I asked him " which organ will this make malfunction?"He laughed as we went over side affects. Abi is doing pretty well her home teacher Pam came today and worked with Abi she seemed to get a little bit of a headache but not too bad. I just want to go day by day and hope to get through each one without an ER visit. We did sleep last night ther was no screaming about stomach pain so that was really nice....I got to see Nichole yesterday (Sophia's MOM) My heart just went out to her , I wanted to hug her super tight and make everything better for her , I know I can't all I can do is pray and Bug her like crazy to take her mind off her troubles. I know God put us together for a reason, she is such a rock I really have gotten alot of strength from her and Sophia......You really forget how awful you feel when you have to sit up at that hospital , it is so suffocating...I am the worst speller in the world , just thought I'd throw that out there I am sure you've noticed....Have a great day ...Thanks again for checking in...Pray for peace......Be still and know that I am...(I love that)

Tuesday, May 3, 2005 8:37 AM CDT

Good morning, The last couple of days have been okay , Abi is now eating a little better (the new med she is on increases appetite)Her new med. makes her somewhat sleepy so i am not sure if it is something we will want her to stay on, she takes it twice a day. Abi's days have been better nights however are a differant story she cries alot because of pain in her stomach and side. Paul and I have yet to get a halfway good nights sleep.I will be taking her to Dr. B today and then she has an apt. with integrative medicine. My Mom will be over today to watch the other two, I had to promise Matti I would call when Abi and I get there because she is so afraid we wont come back. Yesterday I decided I would research migraines in children, I know I have never accepted the fact that Abi has those but I feel I should at least explore the idea. I found out a special diet for prevention and we are all going to follow it I got rid of all yellow food coloring items, Nitrates, processed foods, and tried to buy fruit vegtables and natural snacks and cereals instead of so much junk. It is worth doing for all of our sakes....I did save Pauls cheetos, If we got rid of those he would need a support group...ha ha , Everyone have a good day , Do something nice for someone but dont tell them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!love Tracie Update: Sophia is doing well she might go home this week..yea!!!

Saturday, April 30, 2005 9:49 PM CDT

Today was a pretty good day Abi had very little pain. I did not give her the imitrex nose spray today when she did have a headache and it seemed she felt overall better, no vomitting or stomach pain and she was able to eat a little.I still believe she has a bad reaction to that medicine similar to that other one she was on before.I look forward to the day when she is hyper and i have to say calm down or sit for a minute any of that.If I'm being honest, like I feel I have been ,all of this has really taken a toll on all of us here at home. Matti (our 4 year old ) is so scared I'm leaving again so she has nightmares and acts out alot. Kaydee asks me all the time are you going back to the hosipal and I say no then she says you're my Mommy. It is almost like she wants to make sure . Paul and I are stressed out of fear and concern that we pretty much take it out on each other , It is hard not to be angry . I do know all this will balance out and we will be back in running order again I do feel it will take a while. It is just I watch Abi and it hurts to know what she feels and I really feel Like we've let her down , Aren't parents suppose to fix bo bo's and we can't...I do believe medication is not the answer but I just don't know what secret door to pick anymore. I will tell you Paul and I learned together very early that we make a great team, We won an egg toss at a trainer function once...So with Gods guidance we will do this , we will get Abi the help she needs, the answers will come. We are down this path for a reason, the good news is we aren't down it alone Gods there, and he has been and will continue to be. I do know ther are some nights when I do cry myself to sleep but I always remember that flicker of candlelight that hangs in Nativity Way up front in the right corner Thats what God is, the hope the little light that says I know its dark but I will lead the way....Next time your at Nativity church look at it its very powerful at least it was and is for me...Love and Thanks...Goodnight...Tracie

Friday, April 29, 2005 1:34 PM CDT

Last night we ended up going to the ER after all, it was pretty late. They wanted to keep her but I said No that we would just go home and see her Dr. in the morning. I just couldn't stand being there i felt like i couldn't breath, and the thought of going back in the hospital is worse. Today Paul helped me and we got Abi in to see Dr. B She was very uncomfortable the whole time and crying.. We were there several hours had (of course) another cat scan and the rest of the time was spent figuring out how to get through the weekend at home...The plan is use suppository valium 3 times a day and her nasal spray and chase that with tylenol..at this point you just pray for her to stop crying....Then if we make it we go see him on the 3rd and we decide if he wants to go on a medication all the time, like that one that almost killed her liver....I guess i have to take this one hour at a time because right now i am very overwhelmed and I know Paul is too...Stay close- love Tracie Pray for understanding in situations that make no sense....

Thursday, April 28, 2005 6:38 PM CDT

Today was the day we feared leaving the hospital, The headache returned, Abi has been in pain since about 10:00AM she tried to go outside eith her sisters this am but I could tell by the look on her face that we were back to square one..I've talked to Dr. B 3 times and he said to keep giving the Imitrex nose spray bad news is she can only have it three times daily and we used that up by 4:00. I looked through my meds to see what i could give her and knowing she wouldn't take anything because she was vomiting, I was able to sneak a valium in a mint.Close call because she only ate one bite of it. Paul and I are beside ourselves I have no idea where to turn all I know is we have to get through the night...Bye for now

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 11:48 AM CDT

Hey everyone, it's Julie! Tracie suggested that I do the Journal page today so I am going to give it a shot. The Christopherson's have made such a huge difference in my life. I no longer complain about the little things with the simple ease that I use too. I pray daily now compared to once or twice a year, and I mean I really pray hard! I may cry daily also but that just makes me pray even harder.I love everyone a little more. I spend more time giving hugs and kisses than I do orders. The strength that they have is to me amazing. I think I would be in a straight jacket by now and yet as Tracie always says you do what you have to for them, she is right. But now it is our turn to do what we can for Abi and her family. The medical bills will continue to mount long after they are home and instead of worry about how they are going to make ends meet they need to be able to enjoy just being together. We are having "Abi's Golf Tournament" June 9th with a dinner and silent auction at the Columbia Golf Course. We have already received some amazing items for the auction and prizes with more arriving daily. It will be a great day of golf, a Texas BBQ dinner with all the fixings and full bar. Please contact me for the full details and to join in showing the Christopherson's how much they are truely loved. My heart would not be the same without them and I know there are many who share my feelings.
Thanks
Julie McClellan- 612-789-4129 pjkmcclellan@msn.com or juliem@matcominc.com

Tuesday, April 26, 2005 3:55 PM CDT

Well here we are 1 day down and all is well. It was so nice to walk around in my pj's until 10:00 ...I love being in my house with my family, I do have to say it is very busy here you forget how it is to have 3 kids instead of 1. Abi had a good night she was a little scared to go to bed , and wanted to be with me but after prayers and a story she was fine. She is still pretty pale and tired but thats to be expected i would imagine. Paul has today and tomorrow off so that has been a great help(Thank you ECOLAB) because it would be so overwhelming without him here. I can't help but feel blessed for all that this experience has shown me like the love of a stranger(there are many) A lady caught me in the hall at the hospital as we were leaving who's son had cancer and is a resident of St. Anthony, she had gifts for Abi and a wonderful letter for me I had never met her but somehow I felt I had, People who pray and care because they understand or even if they don't just proves to me how God works through us...Have I enjoyed this experience No, Do I feel it is over No, But there are angels among us that make it so much easier...Extra prayers- Becky and her family( thier dog had to be put to sleep) - Sophia for lots of breaths.......

Monday, April 25, 2005 9:09 AM CDT

Well today is the day!!!!!!! We are going home, I have to admit the hardest part for me is knowing we are going home still with so many issues. I used to think you go to the hospital they fix you and then you go home but what i have now learned it is not always the case. Abi still is having headaches and stomach pain , But we will deal with it as an outpatient so we can breath some differant air for awhile. Will we have to come right back who knows , I plan on taking it one hour at a time. I went to the Chapel to pray for strength and courage for all of us, I know it will be an adjustment going home but how nice will it be to have all of us under one roof. Matti (my 4 year old) Said " Now if I go to bed and then get up thats when you'll be home". I said yes thats when , "well ya know it is almost dark already, and dont worry about Abi's tummy aches I will help you with those....." Dr. B said he would keep close tabs on us he is calling tomorrow,and we are going in the clinic on the 3rd.. I will still be updating this everyday if you want to go home with us...Love all of you ......Thanks for all your continued prayers....................Keep breathing for Sophia.....Signing out from Childrens Hospital...BYe TRacie

Saturday, April 23, 2005 3:14 PM CDT

hi this is abi we are going to try to go home on monday . ii had a littil hedache but now it is bettr. whhen i get home the first i will do is look around my room and see my stuff. I put all my cards in a book so i can look at them when i get home. i cant wait to get home to go thruogh all my birtday presents again i love all ov them. i will like sleping with all my animals in my bed. i will able to see my pet birds for the first time.we got them the night we went to the hospital.i have liked being here a little my favorite part has been the wishing well show and the staff and nurses. i wish sophia could go hope to plese pray for her we love her very much. I want to say hi to all of you and my class. i love you all love abi P.S. Moms update is before this one

Saturday, April 23, 2005 3:16 PM CDT

Well last night was pretty rough , Abi had stomach pain and felt pretty sick, woke up this morning feeling pretty good. Had some head pain and we tried her nasal spray (imatrex) and not sure if it worked but it didnt hurt...I think I just have to realize that we are not going home totally well but that is how it is and it will be okay. If she has pain at home we will deal with it. She did eat a little lunch today not alot but I'm not too worried about it...I had the best lunch with Julie and Sophias Mom Nihcole, We agreed that it almost felt like a normal life for a time....If you ever need a laugh hang out with those two My side hurts..I also have to tell you if you ever get a sick child you want Julie on your team, she has done so many wonderful things to help Abi..We love her...couldn't have gotten through this without her and her families support..Anyway seems like the plan is still for Monday unless something gets in the way...I will still keep this up from home so keep sending e-mails we love them....Extra prayers-For all of us to trust God and let his will be done........Also for Sophia......Bye

Friday, April 22, 2005 2:08 PM CDT

Today is a great day!!!!!!!Abi slept through the night and had no pain or vomitting.....I really feel it was a blessing that her pick line came disconnected because that stuff was making her sick. She had a small headache this am but it is gone now, we are still on track for Mon. discharge date and then weekly clinic follow ups. She is trying to eat and i know it is not easy for her. We are all nervous about going home BUT it is time to be a family again. With all of you to support us how can we fail........Extra Extra prayers for 2 year old Sophia she is in ICU having some breathing issues, tonight while praying let's all take one big breath and God can give them to Sophia....Thanks love ya all...Tracie........3days until HOME

Thursday, April 21, 2005 3:53 PM CDT

I know I'm late today.....Abi once again woke up in terrible pain and threw up quite a bit last night. To top things off the nurse came in around 2:00 am and her tubing from her picc line had come disconnected and it had poured her TPN fluid all over the floor, to make it worse since the picc line had time to sit without fluid the line clotted and could not be saved...So after all we went through to get that put in we lose it like that.......poop...So this morning they took her picc line out put in a regular IV in order to get fluids into her and meds, We went down for a cat scan of her abdomen (which i have heard was fine), and now we are waiting for a GI consult, where we will disscuss what type of feeding tube to put in another picc line or a J tube..I pick none!!!!Yesterday we even set a goal date of leaving for Monday, knowing that we would probably have to rely on a home nurse and leave with her picc line in , I will still hold on to that so we will see.I will write more after i talk with the GI Doc. Take care, Sprinkles of Gods love to all of you......Tracie

Wednesday, April 20, 2005 11:43 AM CDT

It is funny how we come in with headpain and now all I can think about is what is going on with her stomach. They just seem to be blowing this off and I've been the one up with her all night while she is screaming in pain! I took some sticky notes and wrote all my thoughts down and my expectations and posted them neatly in her chart. The resident came this morning and said I saw your notes, I said good because this is getting a little out of control. Her reply was we've done all the tests we know to do , Well I said you better do them over or find more!!Nihcole told me once (Sophias mom) that the longer you are here the more they just kind of blow you off. If this was a child at home screaming with abdominal pain and vomitting for 5 days would it be brushed of , I would hope not......I called Dr. B and we need to have a serious talk and get some priorities straight..Good positive thing of the day: They had fried califlower in the cafeteria with cheese sauce today , I have been waiting all week for that....ha ha . Abi's phycologist wrote on the chart- Abi needs work on building her confidence to go home..My post-it-note said "How can she have confidence when all she has had here is pain...How do you convince someone they are well...when in fact they are'nt???? Abi did say Mom when I get home I want a sandbox I can put my feet in so I can feel the sand in my toes.....I told her that would be Great.....Talk to you later after the battle...Prayer: Dear God just for today give me wisdom to know what the heck I am suppose to do............Thought of the day- Save water throw your dirty laundry in with a complete strangers......ha ha

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 10:25 AM CDT

Hello, Abi had another fun night, lots of stomach pain and then vomiting. Today we will be having fun doing an enema, I hope Abi finds it in her heart to forgive me for all this stuff I let them do to her. It was a choice of putting the tube in her nose to clean her out or an enema, they will give her a little vercet which will help calm her a little but it will still be a nightmare. Her methadone wean can also cause abdominal pain, so they are going to stay at the dose we are at for 2-3 days, then move forward.No headpain to speak of yet, I am so happy about that. A bi's chart and labs were being looked over by a specialist to get another point of veiw and I have not heard anything from that yet. Update on the laundry lady : Went over to get food the other evening at Abott and guess who I saw coming out of the cafeteria (The laundry invasion lady) I think she forgot who I was because she looked and me said Hi and smiled..ha ha ...Looked like she hadnt washed her clothes for days..ha ha ..I will check back later...Extra prayer today: Sophia is back in the hospital in her hometown they are going to try and stay there if they can..Little Dominic also went home and it is just him and his Mom please pray for her strength she also has alot on her plate.....Talk to you later..Enjoy the calmness of the rain.....Tracie......God does answer prayers and he only wants GREAT things for all of us, be open to that....

Monday, April 18, 2005 12:19 AM CDT

Thank you so much for all of you who came out yesterday for Abi's party...Abi loved it and we enjoyed seeing everyone. Thank you for all the wonderful gifts WOW!!!!!!!!!Last night Abi had a little piece of wrapping paper with tape on it , I said whats that and she informed me she was keeping it for a memory of her great birthday. I know this morning when I woke up it was laying right by her pillow. ...............................Last night wasnt the greatest for her lots of stomach pain kept her tossing and turning she ended up throwing up again around 1:00 am , This morning after listening to the resident, (she kind of sounded like Charlie Browns school teacher ) I decided well or sick we are leaving Friday!!!enough is enough...Abi then informed me we would not be leaving because she doesnt feel well yet. Dr. B came up to say we should start to get her to eat and take Meds. , My thought was why have her on meds. constantly if they do her more harm than good,why not wait for a headache then use the nose spray for it and see if that works if it doesnt we will know and move on. Everyone here is grasping at straws and I almost can't take it anymore , because she is the one who is suffering for it..If anyone has any idea where you go to get well please feel free to let me know,at this point i would go to India if i had to. I am even losing faith in Dr B., because he feels weve made progress and I feel we have wasted alot of time. He also felt she isnt eating or drinking because of a control issue, of course I said control is not throwing up so hard you can't hold your head up , because thats what she's been doing all weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Today I'm going to pray with no words because I need God to decide what I need..............Even in all this STUFF, I want you to know Paul and I have never needed all of you more. You are the reason we are able to get through this, without your love and prayers where would we be..Thank you for giving Abi a birthday to remember, and thank you for taking time out of your busy lives to care about ours.....Thank You,...The Christopherson Family ...P.S. I'll tell you what each person who reads this get a piece of paper write me and tell me what you would do in our shoes BE HONEST..send it to The hospital..and promise not to tell me what I want to hear give me your honest gut feeling..I'll wait to hear from you... Childrens Hospital, 2525 Chicago Ave, Minneapolis, Mn. 55404 Room# 6121 Christopherson

Sunday, April 17, 2005 12:05 AM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABI, # 7

Saturday, April 16, 2005 3:25 PM CDT

The party will go on.........Abi had once again a terrible night, extreme stomach pain and then followed up with vomitting pretty much the whole morning and early afternoon. She seems somewhat stable for now, I think maybe her body has had enough...Where is Dr. Berkowitz when I need him!!!!!They did some labs to check her liver and pancreas, and they are waiting to do some more stuff , once again a big ? mark on our forheads....Abi asked if we could still have the party and I said of course we will , if nothing else I can bring the cards and stuff to her...But lets hope she will be up for it. I must share the best part of my day - I got in a fight with a mom in the laundry room,no blood mind you but it was intense. I walked in to get Abi's clothes out of the washer and a mom said " I hope you don't mind I put some clothes in with yours".Then she walked out ,as i was taking my stuff out her was her underware some blankets socks..YUCK!!!!!!!! So I thought after the morning heck the year I've had I do mind. So I mentioned that I was washing my daughters clothes because of a diarrea problem(okay it wasnt the whole truth)and that I did mind her putting hers in there and for petes sakes we are at a hospital ya know..boy that felt good ,you go girl....I did notice she took her wet clothes and left the area, I think she thought I could take her..ha ha...Anyway just thought i'd tell you that...Not much more to add except today pray for ME.ME.ME - Here I will get you started- Dear God Please be with Tracie help her to be kind to others even when they are nut cases, Please help her to see things in a new light (instead of really bad, just bad), You can fill in the rest...bye for now....Tracie

Friday, April 15, 2005 12:33 AM CDT

Good day to everyone, The morning started out a little rocky, Abi felt sick and then had to take her med. by mouth so of course she then threw up for a little while. She still hasnt eaten anything for a little over a week , I am so glad they decided to start feeding her through her picc line.. They are trying to find a headache med. that can be IV, I think she just needs a break. I did refuse her med. last night it was easy though we had a nurse that usually doesnt work on our floor so she was a pushover..ha ha ..But Dr. B let me know what the plan is again this morning..He was'nt mad his thought was we dont want to go backwards to extreme pain again, and I dont either but all these meds. keep making all the things in her body go nuts......She does now have a bladder infection so is getting an antibiotic for that.We did get the word mentioned going home but the list is a mile long of all the goals we will have to meet....I miss Sophias mom alot it was so great having her here to yell , cry and scream at the residents with , but I'm glad they are home and I pray for them so much...Today Paul will be up to see Abi and I will go get a much needed hair cut, I can't wait. I also know how much Abi needs to see her Daddy...Abi's Birthday party---between 1-4:00 drop by for some cake ( we will be on the second floor of childrens hospital- walk through the skyway from the parking garage and keep going straight past the greeting desk. I will have a sign posted...Thanks Love ya all

Thursday, April 14, 2005 4:12 PM CDT

Here I am again, Abi did really well with her surgery, I feel the picc line will be very helpful, they can draw labs from it and give food through it and medications...Abi slept most the day but now is in doing crafts . They are going to start her on antibiotics today because they found whitecells in her urine culture. They are holding off on her new med. again because of her low blood pressure, possibly starting a new one who knows...Today has been busy but not as long as yesterday. Thanks for checking in , info. about Abi's bday party , click on view journal history,,Bye for now...Tracie

Thursday, April 14, 2005 8:31 AM CDT

Today is another fun day at "The Big House". Abi is scheduled today to go into surgery to get a picc line put in, because her IV's keep blowing. Her fevers keep coming last night it seemed like all she did was chew tylenol. Her blood pressure was seriously low last night 66/42, so News flash they decided to hold off on her new med they started because thats a side effect. Now what will they do? She did have success going potty last night which was a good thing because they were about to cath her again I know its hard for her because of that med she is on at night so maybe finally they will stop that too... Then we are back to the head pain issue...Dear God for today help me to breathe in and out in and out.............Extra Prayer - Sophia and her family adjusting to being home....Love to all of you , check back in later I will give an update.......Tracie

Thursday, April 14, 2005 4:38 AM CDT

A note from home.

Well here it is, another night with little sleep, so I thought I would add a note myself. The most frequent question that I get from people about this this whole situation is "How do you guys do it?" I think we simply just do it because we have to. I would like to think that any other loving parent would do the same thing. Of course we have a lot of help with our strong faith. I seriously think that if we did not rely on our faith as we do, we would be going mad by now.

Anyway, I have to say it is both heartbreaking and amazing reading my wife's journal notes. It hurts so bad that I can not be there to comfort both her and Abi when it gets really rough. To not be able to hold a hand or give a hug or a kiss. But on the flip side it's amazing to see how strong my wife and daughter can be. If I look at it from that perspectiveI think "How lucky can a guy be?" Tracie and I alays say we make a great team. All you have to do is look at our three girls and you would have to agree.

Gotta go. Thank you again for countless prayers and support. It means the world to us.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005 11:12 AM CDT

I am happy but sad to report Sophia and her Mom get to go home today they have been here as long as we have. I will miss having her here to talk with she really gets what I'm going through, and again they leave feeling better but no answers.....If you could add her to your prayer list , she is the most amazing little girl. Abi had a good night but again has a temp of 102.3 so she had to take tylenol which took forever because her stomach feels icky. We then topped the morning off with having to get a new IV and a throat culture, they are trying to rule out reasons for her temp. Once again we had an incredibly (opposite of smart) resident come by last night to get to the bottem of the fever issue, Good thing they called him he really figured that out fast, NOT ! I am calling the mantanence dept. to see if we can get a padlock put on our door, for that reason alone....I hope I dont sound too mad this morning, But I miss my Family, my house, my friends, my job, my garden, my kitchen, being able to go in at night and see all the girls sleeping listening to them breath and making sure thier feet are covered...I miss all that, but Thank goodness my mom is there to step in and give them extra love while I'm gone...Paul is so great at that too......Today I will repeat over and over- I don't have to understand all this because God does and he has it all figured out so today I don't have to do ANYTHING...With Faith the size of a mustard seed you can move a mountain....So I will move this mountain, I will.................................Have a good day, Thanks again for listening, it is good for me to vent..........................Abi's Birthday party still planned: April 17th between 1-4:00, 2nd floor at childrens hospital...When you park in the ramp walk through the sky way straight ahead past the front desk on your right...hope to see all of you...love Tracie

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 4:24 PM CDT

Sorry it took me so long today to update, We didnt sleep very good so looking at this screen makes my eyes foggy.... Abi had bad stomach pain last night so was up several times then she had to have oxygen who knows what that is about... She did wake up this morning and was alot more with it than she has been in a while. It must be getting off the Depacoat(seziure med). They are leaving her on her nighttime med because they feel it is helping her to sleep and not to have muscular pain, but the down side is I think its causing her bladder retention which is why she has the cath.( they will be pulling that tomorrow)After they take that out and she cant go they will stop it then...Whatever-it is hard when you are smarter than the Doctors, ha ha.......They are also doing a 24 hour culture to test for a metabolic disorder, they did an x-ray of her neck today, funny thing is Im not sure why. They were going to start her on a new med today (another trial med. for migraines) but we looked up the info Eilene(our nurse) and I, and it said is used for treatment of high blood pressure so her blood pressure right now is so low it could not go any lower 74/44, She called the Dr. He said run a saline drip to try and get it up than we can run the med.( Do I feel this med. will work ? NO but I will keep an open mind). They will also be starting a nutrition IV drip since she has not been eating for a week or so.Bad thing about that it usually makes your IV blow within 12 hours........Joy to the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Paul and I and all our family just can't express how much it means that you are coming along with us on this path to help get Abi well....Thank you for your love and support knowing you are there really makes a big differance.........Extra prayer: For God to make the big things in life that are scary to be small , just for a day.......Thanks for being here....Tracie

Monday, April 11, 2005 4:59 PM CDT

Here I am again, There is no tube ordered as of now Dr. Berkowitz came and said they are stopping her debacoat( sezuire med.)because her amonia level is high which means her medication could be building up in her liver and that in fact may also be why she has been sleeping all the time,so that is stopped and they also lowered her methadone again. We are trying to get off everything and then we will have the pain issue again so where we go from here who knows. She does have a temp of 101.6 , but she is awake for the first time today....There is an issue of her eating they will wait and maybe start a IV nutrition if she doesnt start eating on her own soon.....Talk with you tomorrow....Good News.. Little Sophia may get to go home tomorrow..keep our fingers crossed.....Bye

Monday, April 11, 2005 9:23 AM CDT

I think I will probably have to journal twice today just because it seems today will be a two-part kind of day.Last night Abi still could not go to the bathroom so they gave her another supository and that hurt her so bad she was shaking for almost two hours with no end result. This morning if she still cant go they may insert a tube in her nose and flush it out , but before that happens they better be able to prove to me it is needed. Last night they did start weaning all her medications because finally they feel that they are causing more harm than good(news flash). But now we have to deal with the head pain again and what to do about that. I do feel another brain surgery is almost impossible to avoid, It probably would of been alot easier than what we have put her through with these medications she is on now. She is still cathed and Im not sure what they will do with that??????????????? The plan is to still have the party on the second floor of childrens hospital between 1-4 on Sunday April 17th..for those of you who would like to send a birthday card , I will hold them until the party the address is on this web page. Thank you- I will talk to you later after the sharks come.......Extra prayer- My Auntie Ev is having an operation today ..Thanks

Sunday, April 10, 2005 8:45 AM CDT

If God brings you to it ,he will walk you through it.........The rest of yesterday didnt go really well, they had to put a catheter in because she was still unable to go by 7:00 last night. Still very very sleepy they ordered a cat scan to check her shunt(that was fine), then they did labs to check liver function because the anti-seziure med she is on can cause liver damage.(that was also fine). She hasnt been eating really now for over a week. The neurologist came in this morning and said he was glad the scan looked good , but there are alot of questions we still need to address. He wants to do an MRI of the lower spine in a couple of days and another spinal tap to check her spinal fluid levels again. Will this show us anything who knows..He did lower one of her medications to see if she wakes up a little more and we are still weaning the methadone. Her blood pressure has also been really low 76/44, so how all this comes together we dont know.......He also said how he and the medical staff appreciated the way i was handling the situation, by helping them and working with them they have been able to focus all thier attention on Abi instead of having to calm me down. I told him that I take my frustrations out on the resident Drs. (they need to practice,ha ha ) and I know that this will get better I just have to believe that or it makes what I'm doing and what Abi's going through pointless........Extra prayer today: Thank God for blessings big and small.........Bye, Thanks for caring about us.....Tracie

Saturday, April 9, 2005 3:53 PM CDT

Hi how are ya........Abi is very sleepy again today and seems to be really under the weather. We are in a new territory of not being able to pee or poop, the Dr feels it is probably all due to meds , but they will have to put a cath. in if she doesnt start going on her own...So super duper.....She cant even stay awake to color , I left the room and came back she was asleep with her crayon , I would say she has been awake 2 hours today and that was because they had to cath. her and then take it out. Paul and the girls came up today, once again it was great to see them...Have a great day Thanks for checking in....Tracie

Friday, April 8, 2005 1:26 PM CDT

It is one of those days when you wake up here and all you can do is cry.....After awhile when you are in a room with the door closed it feels like everyone has forgotten you are in there. After talking with the resident Dr. today (which usually solves nothing) I was pretty upset because she said we are thinking its migraines, and those of you who know me know how much I love that word..I HATE IT!!!!!!So of course i come back with she has never had a headache in her life until after that second brain sugery and you are settling for migraines because you have given up on finding the real cause! The longer I'm here the more direct I seem to be getting..ha.. So not wanting to waste anymore time with her I stomp over to the clinic to leave a note asap for Dr. Berkowitz to come see me before going home..on my way back upstairs who do i see going in our room Dr. Berkowitz(thanks God). After venting to him which always makes me feel better I kind of understand better, If she gets her painful headache that she usually does on weekends they are going to try a new med. That is very successful with migraines, will they find the cause of her headpain he doesnt know ,can they get her life back to close to normal ? That is our goal then we can go and work from there...............Abi is upstairs getting her 5th IV put in because her other one failed this morning and she was complaining that she had some headpain will it get worse who knows!!! Sorry I can't be in a better place today but I'm just Sad, angry, frustrated and I want my mommie........ha ha . Thank you to everyone who says I'm so strong somedays I forget..Today God has to carry me not walk with me.....Extra prayer today: There is a Mother that was on the 8th floor with her 6 month old son and he died today his name is Alex. His mother came to tell me today and said last night while holding him it was if she could see everyone in heaven with smiles on thier faces and they couldnt wait to embrace him, and she knew in her heart that he would be so happy there with God....What a faith. Bye for now Tracie P.S. No need to call the social worker I'm fine and i have not lost all my marbles yet.....

Thursday, April 7, 2005 3:13 PM CDT

Hello, Today is a new day I have learned really nothing new , the Doctors have all been by and didnt have to much to add they did say that they are trying to figure out why her spinal fluid had the results it did, but at this time they arent treating her with any antibiotics. The plan from what i can tell is to basically get her to a point when she can be stable enough to go home then try to figure things out from there. It is hard to think and scary to think we would leave here without anymore answers then what we came in with 39 days ago...There comes a point when you have to turn over the wheel to God (completely) dont get me wrong im staying actively involved but I have to rely on God to use his wisdom and strength to figure this mess out because I got nothing left to add really....Pastor Glenn told me, "God never promised you roses, but he did say he would walk with you through the thorns".And he is everyday.......Thank you for your prayers, I figure if we bug God enough he will say, Alright already get her well I've got no time to myself....
....................................We are planning, if we are here or at home, a BIRTHDAY Party for ABI she will be 7 . It will be Sunday April 17th, the time will be anytime you can drop by between 1-4 (an open house) I have reserved a room in the hospital on the 2nd floor , if we are still here. We would love anyone who can to stop by, if we dont know you ,we would love to meet the people praying for us..please pass it on ...more details later...APRIL 17th........Thanks Tracie

Wednesday, April 6, 2005 6:36 PM CDT

Sorry I left some of you hanging so long. It gets to a certain point when it is so hard to email or call or even talk to the Doctors because I just can't talk about it anymore.....Her spinal fluid was not good it came back with a high protein count(which usually means infection) and her white count was up , 19 suppose to be 0. The spinal fluid itself was dark yellow and it is suppose to be clear like water... What does this mean ? last night i was sure God had finally given us some information that we could work with , then the morning came and Jill from Neuro. came in acting like it was no big find . I was so beside myself i had to leave and go home because i basically couldnt take it anymore.. After seeing my family and spending some fun time I came back with Paul and found Abi to be tired crabby and both her eyes are so sunken in and red I couldnt believe everyone was saying how great the day was and how good she did..she looks terrible. The good news was Dr. Berkowitz called and said he is very concerned about the spinal fluid results and they are very surprising and will not be taken lightly, because if someone came to the ER and had the spinal tap with these results they would be admitted ASAP and put on strong antibiotics...He said he would be by first thing tomorrow...I felt better after our conversation. We can't thank God enough for him....It was so good to see Matti and Kaydee they are getting so big I feel like im missing so much with them, and Paul looks like he is carrying everything on his shoulders, I told him we have to trust God more than ever he will show us when it is time , I do believe that I have to....He wants only Greatness for us.. Extra prayer : A little girl named Sophia is being sent to Mayo could you pray extra hard for answers for her and her family..Thank you..God Bless

Tuesday, April 5, 2005 8:53 AM CDT

Goodmorning, The night was pretty quiet , she did need oxygen during the night because her breathing was very shallow and they are not sure why thats going on. This morning at 10:00 she will be sadated for a MRI and then a lumbar puncture to test her spinal fluid ,so we have a pretty busy morning, she is not going to be happy about it but she is still sleeping and I havent told her yet. My main concern is how her respitory trouble is going to be during the procedures , I will go to the chapel and talk with the big guy after she goes to discuss that. Report later after everything is done. Love all of you....Tracie

Monday, April 4, 2005 2:12 PM CDT

Well the night didnt go very smooth, Abi pretty much moans most of the night, She had to be put on oxygen because her level was low and the machine beeped on and off all night. Her pink eye has gotten worse ,her right eye looks like someone hit her. They took her down for an EEG this morning to check to see if any of this is seziure related, havent heard back from that yet. She cant even sit up to color or get up to take a bath because her head hurts so bad , We have a great nurse today and she is giving Abi a nice bedbath. She is still pretty sleepy not as bad as yesterday. It is hard to believe Friday she was outside shooting a basketball and now she is this....Dr. Berkowitz came by and said he feels we will know more about whats going on in a couple of days , he feels her body is showing more signs of whatever it might be. There are talks about getting more spinal fluid and an MRI but we will see.I know in my heart that I will write about the joys of her recovering , but I also know the time it will probably take to get there.Thank you for all your love and support we know youre out there......love Tracie

Sunday, April 3, 2005 10:08 AM CDT

WE walked forward a couple steps and now we walk back.....Abi woke up at midnight screaming in pain holding the back of her head (new area) and then they ran in with a pain med put it in her IV then she fell asleep , ten minutes later she woke up again crying in pain this time it was the front of her head. We were able to get a little sleep but now this morning she is screaming and kicking in pain when she is awake but seems to be more out of it than usual. Thats the biggest concern for me right now, lab came and took blood and she didnt even fight them at all. I just keep praying that God will show all of us the right path to follow to get her well. I just wish this puzzle was complete and we all would know what to do........................................................

Saturday, April 2, 2005 2:40 PM CST

hi this is abi and i just got back from playing on the patio it felt nice to get some fresh air maybe i will come home soon . and thank you so mach for my cards i love them. and thank you for praying for me i love you......................Abi

Saturday, April 2, 2005 2:25 PM CST

Hello, Well Abi woke up a little sad and had a little headache but mostly screaming about her eyes, she has pink eye and starting to get a cold. We have got to get home so we can get well..My mom and I were talking with Abi and she said she didnt want to go home because she's scared she will get her headache again. I wish i could promise that she won't, to tell you the truth I'm scared too . Days like this I want to be in the yard cleaning it up it sure is hard to be inside....blessings to all

Friday, April 1, 2005 3:01 PM CST

Hello, sorry it has taken me so long to write. Computer problems. Well Abi has been doing pretty well they changed her off her narcotic and have started the methadone (they are giving her pretty strong amounts to start so her body doesnt go into withdrawl since shes been on Narcotics so long) Methadone is a strong pain med but it is easy to wein her off of,If all goes good they will start that process Sunday. She is doing well they think on her anti-sezuire meds( shes on two of them) They seem to be helping control her head pain, my only thought is are we masking the problem? Our doctor reassures me that the goal is to get her pain managed then we can get her home and go from there. This is the first time anyone has even mentioned the word HOME..so thats good, but ive learned in here you take one hour at a time. Abi had physical therapy today to get her body moving and she seemed to really like it, also her tutor for school came and she liked that alot also. Big day so she is really tired and a little on the dragon side. For all of you praying for Abi and our family if you could please include Pastor Glenn and his family I would really appreciate it. Thank you and God Bless...

P.S. My friend Julie wanted me to be more positive in my journal so this is for you: The sun is shining the birds are feathery, Spring has sprung, the gift shop just stocked the candy, I found a dollar in my pants pocket, my hair looks pretty good today, the pop machine took my dollar for a change so i could get a diet mountain dew....And for today I choose to be the coffee, not hard like the egg or mushy like the cooked carrot.......Bye for now

Wednesday, March 30, 2005 9:08 AM CST

Well this morning once again Abi woke up screaming with pain in her head and stomach. I can't tell you how I wait for her to get out of bed with a smile and ask whats for beakfast..Seems like mornings are hard for her. Because she had a head ache the Dr. wanted to try an additional medicine so they topped the morning off with a shot in the arm she was crying so hard that i left the room and of course i cried too.Its one of those days when I am just waiting to see the Dr. I have been reading the chart already this morning and I have several issues I need answers for.I will try once again not to cry and to use my manners.I have to say sorry if people come to visit and Abi kind of looks away she is on so many Meds sometimes I wonder if she even knows whats going on. Have a good day and enjoy the Rain......blessings sent to everyone........

Tuesday, March 29, 2005 11:20 AM CST

Today is a new day.....Abi woke up this morning uncomfortable but seemed to be okay after a short time. I talked with the Doctors already this morning and they think they have seen a little improvement , not to be negative but im not seeing Abi yet and so I will not be singing the praises of this medicine until. The plan is as follows we will start the transition over to Methadone From her strong narcotic and see if we can do that without complications, her steroid will be done on Friday, Shes taking one medication thats making her hands and arms tremble like when you are really cold so they are going to get her off that........Its one of those days where you are trying to get some where but you know by reading the map youve got along way yet to travel.I hope you know how much the support each one of you has given us helps, until you are in this situation you really have no idea. Today I think I will pray for guidance and patience and most of all understanding where there is confusion....Thanks for caring. Tracie and Family

Monday, March 28, 2005 4:39 PM CST

Today has been a good day for Abi hardly any pain . I did go home for a while today it was great to see the girls and spend time with my mom. Paul is coming up tomorrow so we can eat dinner together. Today it was so nice out I loved being in my yard and listening to the kids giggle......Thanks for checking in....

Sunday, March 27, 2005 10:12 AM CST

Happy Easter....The morning started off pretty rough, Abi started having bad headpain around 4:00am and just now seems to be comfortable. She did get out of bed to find her eggs and her easter basket and believe it or not said", this is the best Easter ever". I wish i could be more positive, I 'm waiting for Dr. Berkowitz to come up so I can yell , scream, kick and let him know how Done I feel about all of this. It has really been a hard couple of days...I still have hope but i also feel hopeless. My brother called and said just think one day you will look back on this and say Boy, glad thats over...Yea i agree but i will probably be in a padded room on strong medication trying to catch butterflies with an imaginary net by then..........

Saturday, March 26, 2005 3:38 PM CST

Well i was right about how the morning was going to go. BAD, she was screaming in pain for 3 hours but, this time we had aplan of action in place and they bumped up her narcotics and gave her some valium and she really calmed down fast. Thank goodness. She is resting pretty well now and hopefully we got her pain under control for the weekend. She is so excited for Easter to come she cant wait. Paul and I are pretty sad because we all wont be together, When your family is apart for awhile you realize how precious it really is to even share a dinner together.
As far as our course of treatment (WE get our wonderful Dr. , Dr. Berkowitz rounding this week si I know we will be well taken care of). He said it is too early in the treatment to know if the anti-seziure meds will work so we wait.....Again have a wonderful Easter and enjoy all of the many blessings God has given you....I know we will.....

Saturday, March 26, 2005 9:37 AM CST

Okay, the day is not starting out that great. She is laying in bed pillow over her face and not wanting me in the room. She is coplaining of a headache #3 on painscale, I have talked with the resident Dr. so I know exactly what the plan is if it gets worse. The pain team will be notified and they will go up AGAIN on her pca pump that has dalated in it and they will chase that with valium. I went to the chapel already this morning to pray that God is leading us to the answers we need to make her feel better and also to help her little body deal with this pain.I feel so tired this morning i dont really think i have it in me for another bad weekend. lets hope it doesnt get to that point. More later

Friday, March 25, 2005 4:23 PM CST

Abi has had a great day ....But its way too soon to dance. The Doctors think if she has pain again it might happen on Sunday it has kind of been our pattern. Abi will have her eyes checked on Thurs. because her right eye is turning inward and it never has before , and like my mom said, it wasnt like that when we got here. We colored easter eggs in the playroom today to prepare for the easter bunnies arrival she is so excited, she is happy we are here for easter because she feels our house is too small and here she will get more eggs hidden.I do have to report Abi did take some tylenol by mouth today which is huge because she has been refusing oral meds and when having to do them she throws up...so today is a big day. Looks like Mr. I.V. is starting to go bad so we may have to deal with that soon, the fluid seems to be having a tough time getting in. Those are always so fun to get....Well Thanks to all who are checking in , You are true blessings and we can feel your prayers all the way to the sixth floor.....keep'em comin.............................................

Friday, March 25, 2005 1:08 PM CST

Well the girls had a great visit Abi seemed to really enjoy seeing them. She said that she really misses being home and hearing Kaydees laugh. We had a really good caregiver meeting i was able to really get out nursing concerns and other thoughts i have had. I told them that i also feel Abi feels a certain sence of when will i ever be well because so many i dont knows are heard so frequently. They are going to make a schedule with her for her days that way she can get back in routine which they feel will help her with the transition home. I guess they feel if this medicine works then it would probably be a couple weeks...we will see...

Friday, March 25, 2005 8:43 AM CST

It is Friday, Abi had a good night , woke up with a little stomach pain but of course its probably all the medications(if i had a dime for everytime ive heard that). I am so happy my Mom is bringing up the girls today i could cry just thinking about it i miss them so much it hurts ,Paul too of course. This morning i have a caregivers conf. at 9:00 it is for all the people who were not allowed in yesterdays conf. so it will be nursing, pain team, social workers, phycologists etc....I have written down some issues i have so we will see how it goes..I have this problem lately of telling people how i feel..ha ha i will try to be nice. Bye for now I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter......

Thursday, March 24, 2005 11:01 AM CST

Well the meeting went well i feel ,I can honestly say i've never been in more educated company. We decided as a group to get Abi off steroids, Start her on a strong sezuire medication used to help vascular head pain( if in fact that is what this is). Then we wait to see if she has breakthrough pain if that does occur , plan B is to do another angiogram to see if the veins in her head have closed off more or if they are the same, also to check her two blot clots in her main arteries. If that tells us nothing than we go with the brain surgery to take all foreign items out and then we see where that takes us. I do feel better that we do have some steps to walk before brain surgery, because of the risks involved and the slow recovery process.I do have to report Abi does have a mild headache today so my first thought was is the medicine not working, but she is being weined off her narcotics and steroids so it is a waiting game. She has been on strong narcotis long enough now that her body does have a dependancy so thats another issue we will deal with also..Hopefully We will be out of here by the time Matti and Kaydee graduate from high school...Ha Ha..

Thursday, March 24, 2005 5:57 AM CST

Here i sit 6:00am waiting to go into the care conference. I have to admit im a little nervous, I feel there will be so many decisions to make I will be taking God in there for moral support.....Abi did have a good night last evening and seems to be on the upside of pain for now.She seems to have 3 good days and the we come crashing back down. Its nice to have the giggles and the smiles no matter how few they are. The Dr. did say we would be taking her off the steroids starting today, he feels the diagnosis is no longer vasculitis, and he assures me we would not want that..basically my prayer today is to have a plan and strength to go through with it....bye for now

Wednesday, March 23, 2005 3:17 PM CST

I have to write one more thing, i have truely learned the meaning of God doesnt give us more than we can handle. I have become good friends with two moms with totally differant situations ,one her daughter is two she cant walk, cant eat and can say little words but i must tell you she is the prettiest little girl i have ever met her eyes sparkle when i see her, almost like she has so much hope for the future . There is another little boy who is here and has days to live because he has cancer. The love and faith his Mom shows is something like nothing i have ever experienced before. Both these Mothers have been an inspiration to me ,by showing true faith in the face of unforgiving circumstances.I really dont think we ever know how strong we are and how much we can handle until like these Mothers we are tested. With faith in God we go on.........................

Wednesday, March 23, 2005 9:02 AM CST

Today is day 25 of our admission this time . We havent really gone anywhere as far as helping Abi's head pain we've only gone backwards. Abi has had the worst couple of days that would be any parents nightmare. She has extreme and when i say extreme headpain I mean holding her head screaming in pain for two days straight with very little relief from very strong narcotis and steroids and every other thing that falls in between. So not to be negative right now we have a little girl with no color in her face and basically a headache hangover. Yesterday the Nuerosurgeon came up( Dr. Nigib )and mentioned that she has hit rock bottem and this cant continue weve tried pretty much everything conventional to help her and she cannot live like this....So he suggested going through with yet another brain operation #5 and take out all the foreign things such as a graph that was put in to support her brain and then look at everything and basically look for problems and correct them, what he will find we dont know, will it fix her pain we dont know , but at this time it is worth the risk. Care conference is scheduled for Thursday 6:30 am then a date and time if in fact we are going ahead will be disscused. Pastor Glenn continues to reassure me that God always walks with us And Paul and I believe that or we would of given up a year ago , but for Abi we must be strong and help her get her joy her smile and her life back...God bless you all keep praying...Thanks Tracie

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