History

Journal History

Thursday, December 2, 2004 11:48 AM CST

Hi Baby,

Well you just turned 5 years old. I hope they threw you a big bash birthday party up there. With lots of presents and lots of chocolate cake and ice cream. I know I was throwing one for you in my heart. It's not the same without you here. There is so many things that you and your brother should be doing together. I'm sure that you are showing him things though. Right now your probally starting kindergarden in heaven. Oh how much I couldn't wait to take you to your first day of school. Get a picture with your first teacher. The things I'll never be able to do with you is really getting to me honey... I can only image what it would be like to do all those things with you. That's what hurts. Everytime Jake learns something new, on one hand I'm so excited and on the other I'm so sad because I never was able to do that with you. Please hold my hand through these times so I can get through them. I truley believe its you that has helped me so far.
Jake is learning his ABC's and 123's. And he's doing pretty good. Can't get his v's or q's right but for the most part he's getting it. He's getting so big and he looks so much like you. It's very weird actually. He's a blanky boy just like you. If only I could get him off the bottle at night. He loves his cars just like you. He also loves his books. He says your name periodically. Is he trying to tell me that your around. I hope so. You know that I can feel you sometimes. I know when your around because I can smell you. After all this time I can still remember your smell. It's wonderful. Just keep watching over me and Jake. Also your daddy, grandma, your uncles, aunts and cousins. I've got to get going sweety. I just wanted to say that I love you and You will always be in my heart..Don't you ever forget that. I will be talking to you later..

I love you Buggs,

Mommy and Jake

Say hi to Aunt Carol and Aunt Debbie up there...They are new up there sweetie...

Tuesday, October 19, 2004 11:52 AM CDT

Hello Everyone,

Well it will be two years tomarrow since by Buggs earned his wings and it is just as hard now as it was then. I still haven't delt with it yet. "In time," I keep telling myself. It's been working so far. And when it will be time, Zack with be holding me up I believe... I have forgotten so much though. Certain things will just pop in my head, like how he lick us instead of kiss us. I forgot about that until now. And Jake is reminding me of what he used to do. He said "lellow" for the word yellow and that is what Zack called everything, his cars, blanky, and toys. I miss him terriably. I wish I could have one more minute with him. There is this ache inside my heart that won't go away. I try to occupy myself with things to do, whether its cleaning, watching t.v. (which makes it worse half the time), just trying to keep myself busy. I go back to school in January. Between working full-time, taking care of Jake and going to school on top of being a single mom, I will definatly be busy...Now that I say that, I don't know what I am doing. J/J...
Well Jake's test are are still slowly going up. Nothing to be alarmed about though. In fact Jake's peditrician wants to push Jake's tests back to every three months again. until his numbers really get to warning zone. I'm still not comfortable with that yet. Zack was diagnosed at Jakes age now. I'm still going to have him tested monthly. At least for the nest couple of months.. Well I better get going.. I'm at work....You all take care. I will keep praying for the children.

Love Always,
Becky, Jacob and Angel Zachary

Thursday, August 19, 2004 12:05 AM CDT

Hi Everyone,

Its been a while since I've posted. I've been kinda busy. Living in Wisconsin, there is a festival or a fair every weekend. It's wonderful. Jake is sure enjoying himself. He's really starting to become a boy. No longer my baby anymore. His vocabulary is becoming better. He's majoraly into his cars. Sounds like someone you know. His big brother is definatly looking after him from above. I just wish he would eat meat. He loves his milk though.
Well here is the news on Jake so far. His AFP is only 18. It has gone up only 1 point a month. I personally think that is good. Granted it hasn't gone down any yet, he's pretty much normal. And we don't even know if thats what this is yet. Ther could be a possibility that this is normal. But given that we have already lost Zack to this and the family history. I seriously doubt that it is normal. I would love to believe otherwise. But right now nothing has changed yet. Hopefully it will stay this way for a while, that way he will be older and stronger to fight this. I didn't think that I would have to have this fear twice. Its just not fair. Well I have to get going. I will update again later. I will keep everyone in my prayers.

Love always,
Becky, Jacob and Angel Zachary

Sunday, February 29, 2004 1:42 PM CST

Hello Everyone,

I know that it has been almost a year since I've posted but I needed to take time out for myself and consintrate on Jake. I have not forgotten all of you wonderful people and all the children. I could no longer cope for anyone when I still have not coped nor let alone grieved for my one. It was just tearing me up inside to watch this happen to other partents and families. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I miss my baby just more now than ever. It's been about 7 months since I've gone to see him. I just can't bear to go. In time I believe I will be able to. I still haven't done anything with his stuff. Still sitting in boxes. Same thing with his pictures. I do believe that Zack with give me strength one day to finally finalize his life. I am just not ready right now. Maybe this right here is a start.
Jake is getting getting huge. And looks identical to Zack. He even knows who his big brother is. And the wierd thing is, is that I didn't have to tell him. I didn't really talk to him about Zack. Over this weekend he pointed to Zack in a picture and said "Zack". I do now believe that he has been by his side all of this time. And now its time that I be by his side and let him be free. It took a very long time for me to come to terms with that. But I do now know that its time to tell his story. There are a few things that I need to do before I get there though.
I think that I was living in this world that as long as I stay numb, then it can't hurt me. But that is not doing me justice nor is it doing Jake justice. And number one its not doing Zack any justice either. I've noticed that if you keep very strong feelings bottled up inside that one day they will explode like a vocano. And it did for me about a month ago. When you have no control of your mind, feelings and body, anything can happen. You pretend that you live in this normal world. But in all reality your world is just as messed up as the person standing next you. Some people just have more trials and tribulations to over come than others. And I would rather have that than no worries at all. At least you know that you are still real and human and not living in a fantacy world.
My son Zack knew that he was loved by alot of people, had fun in his short life and still up till the day he died. I know that we gave him the life that he would of wanted. And he fulfilled his time on earth that God intended him to fulfill. Now its time for his brother to know who he was.
I will write again. I promise it won't be another 9 months. I will keep all of the children and you in my prayers.

Love Always,
Becky, Jake and Angel Zack

Sunday, May 4, 2003 11:42 PM CDT

Hi Everyone,

I sorry that it has been a while since I have written. It has been 6 very long months since my baby left. I can't say that I am doing better but when I do have bad days, they are bad. The time in between seem to be longer. But I think of him 24 hours a day. The day he passed still takes over me. I wish I could get over that day so I could start smiling when I think of him. The hardest part of losing him, is what he had to go through to see his true father. I know people say "well at least he is in the arms of the Lord", don't get me wrong that is wonderful, but I am selfish. I want him to be in my arms. I need to know that he is o.k. That he is being taken care of. And the only way that I am comfortable with that is if I was taking care of him. And until I can get passed that, then I will accept it.
The cemetary is going to lay his headstone within the next week. I don't know if I am ready for that. It the last puzzle piece and I am not ready to finish the puzzle. If it was up to me I would take that puzzle apart and put it together differently. And it would start with knowing more of the family history. But I could go on and on about the what if's but it won't bring him back. It's just not fair that my son had to pay the price because his pediatrician didn't do his job. That is not fair. That is what we as parents need to stop. We need to stay on these doctors @$$'s. I read stories all the time about how doctors blow things off because they feel that the parents are over parinoid. And yet we are the ones that know our children best. So why wouldn't they take us seriously. So if you feel that there may be something wrong, you need to presist it. Don't let the doctor tell you that they are fine. That is usually when something is not. I am sorry if what I saying offends some of you, but I am seeing too much of this lately and in alot of cases it was too late. As it was in our case. So please let me just blow off some steam.
Jacob is doing great. He is about 29 1/2", 22lbs. He is walking along the furniture and in everything he's not supposed to be. I will put some pictures on next time. He is so cute. Well I am going to have to wrap it up. Please keep all children in your prayers. you never know what is going to happen tomarrow. God bless you all.

Love Always, Becky, Mike, Jacob and Angel Zachary

Thursday, March 20, 2003 11:33 PM CST

It has been 5 long months today since my precious angel passed away. I miss him so much.. I would give anything to wrap my arms around him one more time. It is still hard for me to get the last day of his life out of my mind. I pray that he went peacefully and I believe he did. But I wrench in pain when I think about how much pain he was in. I went to see him today and just imagining what is underneath that ground haunts me. He is supposed to be with us not down there. I will never understand it.
It feels like I burden people when I talk about him. People that are lucky to have there kids with them will never understand how I feel. And I think that when I talk about him, it makes them feel uncomfortable. I don't mean to make them feel this way but they don't know how bad it hurts and talking about him makes me feel better. I know that they mean well but its just different. I am really thinking about joining a support group. I think I might be ready. I often wonder what I be like if we didn't have Jacob. 10 to 1 I would have been right behind Zack. I am so afraid that he is alone somewhere and I am scared for him. I am rambling I know. But today is pretty emotional for me right now so I am going to go.

"We miss you buddy. I can tell that you are with me sometimes. Like tonight. I swear that I smelled you at work. I just stopped dead in tracks, closed my eyes and imagined what you would be doing at that moment. I noticed some people look at me weird but I didn't care. It hurts me when I have to imagine what you are doing and what you look like. I shouldn't have to do that. I am so sorry that I couldn't stay long today but Jacob wasn't a happy camper. I'm sure you knew that. Please watch over him like you have done in the past. You are an awesome big brother. Please watch over all the other kids too. I know that you have met some new friends up in heaven and I believe that as a team that you all could watch over all these other sick kids. Please watch over Jack and Jade and Quinlyn. Jack just had another test today, give him a miracle that nothing comes back. Please look after Jade and Quinlyn as there afp's are rising. Give them strength to beat this. Mommy and Daddy will always love you and nothing will ever change that. You will always be Jakes big brother. And our little angel."

Love Always,
Mommy

Sunday, March 9, 2003 2:46 AM CST

Hi Zack,
Mommy is having a hard night without you. I feel bad that i haven't come to see you lately, but it has been either really cold or by the time I could see you it was too dark. You know how mommy is afraid of cemetaries at night. We all can't get over the fact that we will not see again for many years. It is so hard to know that we can't give you the life you should've had. It's just not fair. it's hard to look at your pictures and be happy. We just can't stop thinking about all of your bad times and not the good. The good times are starting to come back very slowly. Remamber the time that you were chasing mommy back and forth from your closet to the bathroom with your laundry basket. And then we hid in your closet from daddy. And then every time daddy would open up the closet door, you would throw your cars at him. There was also mommys old camera in there and you were taking pictures of us in there. I just found the camera the other day in the closet right where you left it. It is still sitting there. I can't move it. There is alot of stuff we can't move. Like your clothes, they are still in your drawers. Your toybox is still in the living room with all your toys in it. I hope you don't mind that we let Jordan and Michael play with them. Believe me, it was hard to watch them play with them. It felt like you should've been here and steal the toys from them like you always did. Do you remember the night after we found out you had cancer, we threw a party for you and the whole family came over. Well anyway, you were sitting on the top of the stairs, Connie and Grandpa was on the bottom and you all were throwing balls at each other. You laughed so much that night that you woke up with a scratchy throat the next morning. Cayla and Nathan was helping you throw the balls at everyone else. We have that on video. It was nice to watch that. Your cousins Cayla and Nathan miss you very much. Cayla breaks down when people say your name but mostly watching video of you. Nathan hides alot but he misses you so much. You were their bestfriend and its hard for them when I see them without you. Please watch over them.
Jacob is getting big. He's not crawling yet but he will soon. He has six teeth now. We always talk about you to him. There is so much that we say. He reminds us of you so much. Well I am going to go right now. I will come and see you tomarrow. I love you very much and miss you to no end. Until we meet again.
Love always,
Mommy, Daddy and Jacob.

Tueday, February 11, 2003 10:35 PM CST

Hi Everyone,
Today marks the one year anniversary since Zack was diagnosed. One year ago I really thought that Zack was going to beat this battle. It did not acure to me that one year later I would be sitting in front of my computer and writing about how much I miss him. There isn't a moment that passes that he is not on my mind. I would not say that times heals all wounds. Every day gets harder mentally. There is a hole left in my heart and soul that will never be filled. I just wonder if I will ever be happy again. I have laughed since the day he passed but I mean will I ever be truley happy. I don't believe I will ever be. My life has changed and will never go back to where it was, and I can deal with that. But what I can't deal with is the fact that Zack is gone. I try to hold it together in front of everyone but I'm really not together. When I am alone I can't stop crying. Whether its going to and coming home from work or laying in bed and staring at his pictures. I know in reality you go on with your life but I don't exactly know how to do it. When ever I play with Jake, Zack is always on my mind. And maybe that will change when Jake gets older that Zack was. But right now he reminds me of all the stuff we did with Zack. And in all honesty, we have not really spent time with Jake without Zack. I can't get these affaul pictures out of my head about chemo, his death, and all the bad things that happened with him. I try to think of happy times and it's like they are a blurr. It's so hard to remember. If it wasn't for his videos, I don't think that I would've remembered. Maybe in time those memories will come back. I am sorry that I am rambling. It's just so hard to believe that a year ago Zack had his first and last surgery. I went back to work after we came home that week and everyone and myself said that Zack was a strong child. He was our little trooper. If I knew then that he wasnt' going to make it then I wouldn't have gone back to work. And spend every momemt with him and never let him go. And I understand that there will be alot of first's this year. I just don't know how I am going to handle them.
Well we got some good news, Jakes afp test came back good. They will follow up with him in another 2 1/2 months. Jake has a really back viral infection. It started about three weeks ago and went away and then got it back worse a little over a week ago. We can't get off that quick now. Now that it is calming down, he now has that flu. Always throwing up. All I ask for is to have one week when my children can be healthy and normal. Maybe its the normal that gets God..he thinks that those two do not go together. So if thats the case, I chose healthy. Thats all I ask for. Well I will let you all go.
Once again please pray for Zacks friends and families that have to go through all of this. The families needs prayer too.
Justin Bryce**please pray for his family as they still hurt from the loss of Justin on Christmas Day.
Meghan**Please pray for her family for they just lost Meghan to be an angel on Friday, the 9th.
We know how much it hurts to lose our precious children.
Jack H.**He is in remision but he has another test on March 20th..please pray these scans are clear.
Jade C.**She is also in remision, but for some odd reason her afp will not go down in the normal range. please pray she is cancer free...
All the kids on Cancerkids site, they all need many prayers. I could go on with all the kids I know but that sums it up pretty well.
And to all kids that endure any obstycal in their tracks of their health. Anything is more than what they should have to go through.
God Bless you all....

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Jacob and Angel Zachary

Friday, January 24, 2003 at 12:08 AM (CST)

Hi Everyone,

It has been 3 months since I've held or seen my sweet Zack. It has been the hardest months in our lives. We miss him so much. We finally started to watch his vidios a couple of days ago. After we are done, we feel like we are going to see him down stairs watching t.v. It not the same without him. We constantly tell Jacob about him. Let him know what a brave beautiful boy his big brother is. Jacob looks just like him. He is getting his forth tooth in and he is learning how to crawl. Well more like scoot right this second. He is pretty big now. He has his AFP test tomarrow. I know that it is going to be o.k. I am still nervous though.
Wish Apon A Star had their 24th annual bennefit Softball In The Snow on the 11th. They had asked Mike to do a speech for them about our trip to Florida. It was a beautiful speech. It couldn't have been more perfect. I know that Zack was proud. We got to meet some baseball players, the senetor of Illinois, and two police officers from the world trade center. We talked to one of the police officers for over an hour about Zack and 9/11. He gave me a very nice pin. Mikes mom had made slide shows of all the kids that they have supported. They came out pretty nice. She had made a cd of just Zack and the trip for them. They played just that one during our speech and an hour after that. It was really nice how they honored our son. We in return felt honored. Alot of people came up to us after the speech and talked to us. One of the baseball players that Zack got a picture with in the dugout came up to us and told us that he has that picture up on his wall at home. I was so honored that my son touched peaples lives. And for that his spirit lives on until we meet again one day. I can't wait for that day. Every night I cry that he can't be with us. But I know that he is healthy and running around. I know that he is watching over us and happy that we will meet again. But until then he keeps us strong to take care of his little brother. We dream about him sometimes. Me and Mike have had a handful of dreams of him. I know that they are only dreams, but how much I wish I could live in them is unbearable. We were watching the video of the day we were coming home from Florida and Mike was video taping in the Castle of Miracles in the village we stayed at. And inside was a clock that snored. For some reason he taped it for a couple of minutes. And when we were watching it, we noticed the time on it was 11:15 a.m. The time Zack got his wings. And it was Aug. 20th. Exactly 2 months to the time that Zack was going to leave us. I feel it was a sign that Zack was with us while we were watching him on tape. It was very erie though.
I will never understand why this happens to our children. But I hope that there is a good explination. Although I don't think there will ever be a good enough one. Why Jacob will never know his big brother except what we tell of him and why I will never see him grow up and live his dream. It's just not fair. I would never explain how much pain I feel and how big of the hole that was left on my heart. I just hope that no one ever has to feel the way I do. All I can say is love your children and let them know how much you love them because you never know what is going to happen tomarrow.
Please pray for a couple of Zack's friends that have to live with this nasty thing called cancer.
Justin Bryce lost his battle with hepatoblastoma on Christmas day. Please pray for his family.
Jack Howard- He had a ct scan and everything was clear. He will be having another one in March.
Jade Collins- She is doing well. Still cancer free.

Please pray for all the families that have to live with this day by day. It's hard on them too. I know that Zack is their guardian angel. God bless you all.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Jacob and Angel Zack

Sunday, December 22, 2002 at 12:05 AM (CST)

Dear Zack,
It has been 2 months yesterday since we have last saw your smiling face. It is so hard to get through each day without you. I would give anything to have you back home with us but I know that, that is imposible. Christmas is near and I know that you are going to have a beatiful first Christmas with Jesus. We need you to give us strength to find some happiness in this holiday for Jakes first Christmas. I know that you wanted us to celebrate but we just couldn't decorate. It isn't the same without you. Everytime I go any where I keep hearing someone call your name and I always pass Hotwheel toys. Everything reminds me of you. Even your brother. He looks just like you. He is rolling over now and he has a tooth. Maybe even two. I know you would be having so much fun with him right now if you were here. I can tell that he misses you. And Nini is so crazy. I believe that you are in her because she sits in the spot on the counter where you would sit all the time when you would drink and eat. Jordan and Michael was playing with your toys, I hope that was ok. They miss you sweetie. Michael has a angel on his tree and he thinks its you. And so do I. Cayla and Nathan miss you alot too. Cayla came over the other day and was really sad that you are not here. I know that you are watching over them. They need your help to get through these holidays. And so do we. We miss you and love you so much. Daddy and I look at your pictures all the time. We finally watched some vidios. They were pretty hard to watch. One of them was when Grandma gave you your John Deer Truck. You were so afraid of it at first and then we couldn't get you off of it. Exept when you wanted to help Daddy look underneath it and fix it. And another one was the 2nd day in Florida and Daddy was chasing you for about a half hour and you actually was running and you couldn't stop laughing. Those are the times I want to remember but I just can't get the last day with you out of my mind. Please Buggs, help us remember the good times with you and not the bad. A part of us went with you that day. And that will never be filled. I love you and I will talk to you later.

Love Always,
Mommy, Daddy and Jacob

Thursday, November 28, 2002 at 09:31 AM (CST)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR ZACHARY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! AND MANY MORE IN ETERNAL LIFE!

This is your first birthday that you are not here. It is not easy to celebrate this day. And with this day also being Thanksgiving, we have so much to be thankful for. A big part of that is having you for the wonderful years we had you. I just wish it could have been more. I know that you are up there throwing a party with all af your friends and family. We are sending you a rainbow of balloons to you today in heaven. I hope you get them. You are in the paper for the 4th time. You look so cute in your pictures. We are going to use this day as a day of remembrance. We miss you so much Buggs. We need you to give us strength to get through this day. And the patience to care to Jacob. He misses you too. Most of all we miss that gorgeous smile and those big hugs that we would share at night. We still wake up in the morning thinking we have to make your chocalate milk sippy. We still have some here for you. You would love it right now, we have a tractor sitting in the back yard doing some diggin'. I know you can see it from heaven but we wish you were here with us seeing it. Its not the same without you here. But we are trying. I talk about you to everyone even strangers, just to let everyone know how special you are. My message that I pass is, cherish what you have because in this day in age anything can happen, give your kids all your love and attention. To all you readers out there, give your kids a kiss and the biggest hug, that's what I probably miss the most is his little arms wrapped around my neck and hearing him strain to squeeze a little tighter, a message from daddy :(... Buggs, you taught so many people many lessons. And you touched many hearts. People all over the world was saddened when God took your hand and brought him to your side. We are honored in one way that he chose our son to bring to his side but in another way we are selfish becuase we want you here with us. And for that we will be at the cemetary at noon to wish you happy birthday and celebrate your birthday. We love you and miss you so much Buggs. Happy 3rd Birthday.

Love Always,
Mommy, Daddy and your brother Jacob

Thursday, November 21, 2002 at 02:15 AM (CST)

"Well baby, it has been one month today that I have been without you. No matter what, it seems that I can't get ahold of things. You run through my mind a million times a day. But you already know that. I can't begin to express how much we miss you. Last night I had to and I mean had to watch one of your home videos. I felt like I forgot things about you. It was the one of the Florida ones. It was our second day in orlando. And Mommy was video taping Daddy chasing you around the villa. And you couldn't stop running and laughing for like 20 minutes. That was one of the very great times we've had with you. At first I couldn't stop balling but by the end I was smiling and laughing along with you. It felt good to smile and laugh about you. It has been so long since I have done that. Even all the good times together with you, I couldn't enjoy the time with you, because all I could think is, is that I knew I was going to lose you. And all I could think is how I was going to live without you. I haven't figured out that much yet, but I am learning a whole new life. All I knew was you and now my life is half full. Your brother is keeping me busy and all he reminds me of is you. I am priveledged and honored for that. I am so happy to be your mother. And one day I will be able to take care of you again. But until then please watch over your brother and your family. Love Mommy, Daddy and Jacob."

Thursday, November 14, 2002 at 10:53 PM (CST)

Hi Everyone,

Well this Sunday will be 4 weeks without our precious little Zack. I still can't believe that he is gone. I just started back at work yesturday. It is pretty rough. A woman I used to work with came up to me and asked how Zack was doing. She didn't know that he passed. I didn't know what to say. I told her that he passed and she said she was sorry. It's that stuff that makes it hard. It wasn't her fault. I just get reminded of it more now. I thought going to work would take my mind off of it but it is just the opposite. I am returning back to my life that I had with Zack but without him. When I come home now, I come home to just Jacob and Mike. Zack is not running around the house and greeting me at the door when I get home like he used to. It's not the same. I suppose nothing will be the same again. It's getting harder and harder to deal with that. We got our pictures done on Tuesday and we brought a picture of Zack to put in the picture with us. It's not right that he wasn't with us in the pictures. And I feel so bad for Jacob. He doesn't know what is going on. And when he is old enough to understand, I am afraid that he will resent us for it.
Jacob is getting so big. He has got to be about 18 lbs. He was 16.4 on his third month checkup. He will continue to be checked for Hepatoblastoma. He is starting to laugh at peoples faces and he loves standing. He gets mad when he is sitting down. He loves his saucer. Thanks Lori!!! He is scooting all over the place. It's hard to believe that he is going to be 4 months old on the 23rd.
Zack has a Memorial Quilt. It is one of the Links at the bottom of his page. Check it out. It is beautiful. The Quilting Angels did a wonderful job on it.
Please keep Zack's cancer buddies in your prayers. Jack has a catscan on December 23rd. So far the last two test came back clear. Please pray that this will come back clear. His webpage is also at the bottom. Check out his website. Jade is in remision since August and now her AFP is climbing a little. Please pray that they keep on top of it. Vinnie is in remision. Pray that he stays that way. Cole is also in remision. Pray for the continuing journey. All these kids deserve a long and fun filled life. Please keep these children in your thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Jacob and Angel Zachary

"Mommy and Daddy miss you alot Buggs. I hope you are having fun. We will be sending you some balloons on your birthday. I hope you get them. Please come visit us. I want to make sure you are o.k. I know that God is taking good care of you. We love you and miss you alot. Love Mommy and Daddy!"

Sunday, November 03, 2002 at 01:40 PM (CST)

Hi Everyone,

It has been two weeks since our little Zack left us. I have been purposely sleeping past 11:16 A.M. I sit here not understanding anything. I keep telling myself that he is in a much better place and that angels are hard to find. But that is just making it easier to hide it from people. The pain has not got any easier. I still won't watch his home movies or look at many pictures. I can't bear the thought of celebrating any holidays this year. It just doesn't seem right without my little Buggs. Him dying has found a home in my head and keeps replaying back all the time. No matter what I think of, I can't get it out of my head. And for that I am afraid that I going to forget how he was before he got sick. I remember right now but what will I remember in another month. It was just so sad to see him go through so much pain and agony. And through all of that, even up to his death, he was a champ. At almost three years old, he would tell me and Mike to leave the room when he wasn't feeling well. I think its because he didn't want us to see him that way. Or it could be because he knew we would give him meds if he was hurting. I look at pictures on the wall when he was around two and he looks so happy. Even after they said there was nothing they could do anymore, He had a smile on his face. The one thing that is going to haunt me for the rest of life, is if we did everything in our power to keep him with us. I believe we did but there is always that what if? I read some stories about how all these miracles happen to one family and we couldn't even get one miracle. I would have given my life for that one miracle. The things that most people take for granted I won't ever see him do, just hurts so much. It's just not fair.
I went shopping with my friend Carrie and I couldn't even look at the kids clothes. No matter where I went I would always try to find an outfit for him. Its going to be those little things that are going to get the best of me. That is one of the reasons I am afraid to go back to work. I can remember yesturday that Mike would bring Zack in to see me and he would play on those (play rugs with streets on it for matchbox cars) that were next to my desk. It would take Mike forever to get him off of those.
It feels like I am in a fog or a daze 24/7. It is seriously a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I have gotten really good at pretending that everything is o.k. And I know that I shouldn't do that. But if I didn't then I would be an ultimate mess.
Jake looks just like Zack and everytime we look at him, it reminds us of Zack. He is honestly is the only thing that is keeping us to go on. He is truley a God sent. He is starting to laugh and giggle. Its funny when he goo's and ga's, he sounds like he is squeeking. Aunt Lisa is now calling him "squeeky". Mike's and my nickname for him is definatly "bruiser". I don't know when his next test is, but I will let you know. I can't even remember when he was tested. I think it was like the 27th of September. So his next one will be roughly three months after that one. That is another thing. I am so forgetful. You thought I was forgetful before! Now I can't even remember what I had to eat two days ago. Its hard for me to remember dates or things I said I would do. So please remind me if I said I was going to come over to your house or give you a call. Or just call me.
I wanted to let everyone know that all of you have been wonderful. Very kind words from you all.
There was a mass at my church yesturday for all of their parishiners that have passed away. We were invited for the momory of Zack. They called his name and we went up to light a candle. I picked a yellow candle since that was his favorite color. And then we would take the candle and put it next to his picture untl the end of the mass. It was pretty nice. We got to keep the candle in memory. Zack was the only child there that was lost. I just found that a little funny.
No matter where we go now. There is always one person that knew him. Whether they knew him personally or they were just praying for him. In fact we were down at public aid the other day and the gentelmen was capying all of our information and someone noticed the last name and came up to us and gave us a hug. She said that she read him in the paper and was sorry for our loss. It was touching. We were down at public aid because they have a program where they can help with medical bills. So we are checking into it. Can't hurt to try. We probally won't hear anything from them in a while.
Well I will talk to you all later. Good luck and God bless.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Jacob and Angel Zachary

Tuesday, October 29, 2002 at 03:05 PM (CST)

Hi Everyone,

Well Zack was in the Herald Newspaper today. The story was nice. People have already came up to us and told us that they read him in the paper.
We finally ordered his headstone. It's beautiful. We have an emblom of a racecar and an emblom with a boy praying with the words "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep" written around the boy. We left room on the marker for his picture to put there eventually. But that is expensive, so we are going to have it done for Zacks birthday next year. I think that will be a nice birthday present. Now he will have a temporary plate put down untill the spring. We haven't gone and seen him yet today. I think I may in about an hour. We have brought him some stuff. There is a picture of him on his resting place, some cars, an angel, some flowers, a little statue of a dragon, some balloons, m&m's, a gumball and some quarters. I cannot wait till his headstone is placed. Just to finalize his resting place will ease some of the pain.
We all are doing pretty good. I don't know if its because it hasn't hit us yet, or if its because he has been sick for so long and we are just happy that he is in a better place. Neither one sounds right. But I don't understand this grieving process. I just think that everyone grieves in there own way. We miss him so much, its almost unbearable. His birthday is less than a month away. These holidays are going to be so hard to get through. I guess the good thing is, is that Jake is so young that he wouldn't know if we didn't celbrate anything. But at the same time, these are his first holidays and if we don't celebrate them, that just ain't right. We will think of something.
Jake is doing well. Lori has really turned him into a binky boy! HAHA!!! He was going to be one anyways. But he is sleeping through the night now. Lori has trained him really good. I will just send all of my kids to her when I have them and she can train them to sleep through the night. That sounds like a really good idea.
Well I am going to go. I will talk to you all later.

Mommy and daddy and Jacob miss you Zack. We all love you Buggs. You will always be my angel.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Jacob and Angel Zack

Saturday, October 26, 2002 at 12:27 PM (CDT)

Hi Everyone,

I hope everyone is doing o.k. We just got Jacob back last night. It's not the same without Zack. After Jacob goes to sleep there is no one else to take care of. We got so used to taking care of Zack all the time. Now we have an empty place. But it is good to hold Jacob again. Thank you Lori and Mark for watching him for a week. You are wonderful people and parents. I love you guys. Their son also had cancer. His website is below--Jack Ryan.
Tonight will be a week since I last slept with Zack. Its still too hard to believe that he is not here. It feels like he is with someone. Sunday morning plays over and over and over in my head. I don't think that I have exepted it yet. It feels like someone is sitting on my chest. People say that when there loved one passes they have been visited by them. I want to be visited by him to know that he is o.k. I think I would be more at ease to know that I will see him again. We love him and miss him.
Holloween is going to be hard. We have 6 pumpkins that we were supposed to paint this week. We are going to paint one and bring it to Zack. We are constantly putting things there. Since he doesn't have a head stone, its kinda of easy to find right now. When the snow comes its going to be so hard to find.
Well I will talk to you all later.
We love you Zack and we miss you dearly.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Jacob and Angel Zack

Thursday, October 24, 2002 at 06:20 PM (CDT)

Hi Everyone,

Zachary Michael Hostad was laid to rest yesturday. My baby's wake and funeral was beautiful. Over 200 hundred people showed up for his wake. It was wonderful to see so many people come to see him. He touched so many lives. We had 4 different slide shows play during it. It was perfect. Zack looked so handsome in his black suit. We all put in alot of things. His blankies(we kept), cars, money, lion toy(we kept), sponge bob, slinky, gum, pictures of his friends, one of his race car shoes( I kept the other), my scrunchie, his pillow, bouncy balls, my cross neclace, a babby face neclace that says daddy (Mike has one that says Zack), chapstick, Josh's wallet and letters. He was buried in a beuatiful white casket. My brother Nick drew a portrait of Zack. That was so beautiful. There were so many beautiful flowers.
His funeral was memorable. I read my poem from Zack, Mike read a heartfelt letter from daddy, and Aunt Lisa read a precious letter to little Honey B. After we watched Zack lowered in the ground, we let off 200 balloons with personal notes to Zachary in celebration of his life. And some got caught in the trees next to his grave. It all went perfect.
I want to thank everyone who attended. Thank you all for all the donations. On my next entry I will personally thank people.
We miss you baby. We all love you.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Jacob and Angel Zachary

Tuesday, October 22, 2002 at 12:55 AM (CDT)

Thank you all for the messages that you sent.
Today was a hard day to get through. We had to meet with Tezak funeral home to make the arrangements. We were not able to see Zack though. He was still being prepared. The funeral home is beautiful. We had to bring Zacks outfit to them. Its a off black shirt, black vest, black tie, black socks and black shoes. Its perfect. We then had to meet with Hills of Rest Cemetary to have them show us the gravesite. That was extremely emotional. We lit a candle that was stuck on his gravesite to honor Zack. I think we were only there for a couple of minutes but it felt like 40. We were just starring at the ground and know that Zack will be laid here in less than 2 days. I know people say that its just their body that is being burried and not their spirit or their soul. I don't care what they say. It is still my precious baby Zack that is going to be lowered in the cold ground. Its just is not fair.
Yesturday morning I just woke up from laying with Zack to start packing to go home. Mike was watching him breathing funny but we were used to that. So Mike didn't pay to much attention. Mike laid out his diaper and an outfit and was going to get dressed. Then I came out of the bathroom and went over to give Zack a kiss and noticed he was sleeping with his eyes completely opened which he had been spleeping with his eyes half way opened the last few nights. I mentioned to Mike that he was sleeping that way and then I went back into the bathroom to finish packing. Then I heard Mike start calling his name. And I just knew what happened before I even got to him. Mike said he saw Zack breathe and then roll over on his right side and took a small last breathe. I came out screaming that this wasn't supposed to happen yet. But it had. Zack got his call home and got his angel wings. The maid heard us screaming and came in and called 911. We tried to tell her not to, but she had to. When the paramedics got there, we showed them the DNR paper (which I almost forgot, thinking I wouldn't need it). They put the heart detector on and there was nothing. We held him for 3 1/2 hours after he passed, before they took him away. That was so hard to carry our baby down to the hearse. We had a priest come and say his last rights before he left. We had to drive home with an empty car seat in the back. The whole night before and up to the point when he passed, he would point to the ceiling and talk in his sleep. I believe with all my heart that it was the angels that he was talking to. Through out the whole night he kept on waking up and making sure that me and Mike were laying down with him. I think he knew that he was going to die. I believe that he went to a happier place. He had a smile on his face after he passed. He knows something that we don't. And we can't get those last 4 hours out of our minds. Mikes Mom and sister Lisa was with us at the hotel on the first floor. My mom and brother Nick, my aunt Debby and my aunt Ginny came to the hotel to see him one last time before they took him away. We stayed in room 344. And now on this aneversery we are going to reserve that room. We miss him so much. He touched more people in his three short years on this earth than some do in a life time.
The Wake will be held @ Tezak Funeral Home
1211 Plainfield Rd
Joliet, Il 60431
On Tuesday, Oct. 22nd, 02
From 4 p.m. - 8 p.m.
The Funeral will be at Tezak Funeral Home @ 9:15 a.m. where we all can say our final goodbyes. It then will preceed to St. Mary's Church in Plainfield on Rt. 59 for a mass for him @ 10 a.m. Everyone is welcome to say something special about Zachary. We will then preceed to Hills of Rest Cemetary to for the burial. We will be letting off 200 balloons with special messages from all of you to Celebrate his Life. This is his party and he loved balloons. There will be a luncheon that follows back at the church. Please come for even a minute. There will be food and beverages.
If anyone has any questions just call.

I will continue to write in his journal. God bless you all.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Jacob and Angel Zachary

Sunday, October 20, 2002 at 11:14 PM (CDT)

Hi Everyone,

It break my heart to say that Zachary Michael Hostad was called home today at 11:15 A.M. He went peacefully asleep at the hotel that we were staying at in Gurnee. No one expected for him to go so soon. I swear he had a smile on his face after is happened. My baby is now an angel watching over us. It comforts me to know that he is now cancer free and in no pain. I just wish we had one more day with him. Just one. I am sorry that I can't write now. But please understand.
The wake is going to be held at Tezak Funeral Home on RT. 30 on Tuesday from 4 P.M. to 8 P.M. And the mass and funeral will be at St. Mary's Church on RT. 59 at 10 A.M. I'm sorry I don't have addresses yet. We will be finalizing the arrangements tomorrow. Thank you for all praying for our little boy. I love you all. I will continue to wright in his journal each day.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Zack and Jake

Sunday, October 20, 2002 at 11:14 PM (CDT)

Thursday, October 17, 2002 at 05:49 PM (CDT)

Hi Everyone,

Zack's story about his trip is in the Enterprise this week. It's kinda neat to see him in there. I think we cleared out a gas station of them. Well Zack is really starting to be in pain. We finally put him on a morphine drip today. All the medicine we had him on wasn't controlling it like we want. It seems like the morphine is working. We are going to get a hospital bed on Monday to put in the living room. That way he can be down here with us. We are not dealing with this that well. Reality is really kickin in. I'm going to plan is birthday party anyway. If we have to bump it up then we will. I think we are going to plan it for Nov. 23rd. His birthday is on Thanksgiving this year. Perfect. To celebrate Thanks for Zacks life.
We are taking Zack out of town to Gurnee this week. Even if he doesn't feel that great we are still going. Zack always perks up when we are out of the house. Lori, Jacks mom, is going to take Jacob for the weekend so we can spent time with just Zack.
By the way, Jakes ultrasound came back normal. We still haven't got his AFP test back yet. Well Jake just woke up so I will update later. Good luck and God bless.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Zack and Jake

Monday, October 14, 2002 at 12:06 AM (CDT)

Hi Everyone,

Zack is doing good. We have had him on Zofran(antinausea med), and he has had so much to eat in the last 2 days then he has had in the last two months. His hospice nurse said that when someone has liver problems, they will be nausaus all the time. So maybe that is the key. His nurse is wonderful. She is so nice. She comes twice a week. Zack is starting to warm up to her. He is asleep have the times she's came though (the best time to assess him :) ). She brought him a white whale when she came last. Debbie the social worker came on Friday also. Another nice woman. She is a therapist too. Exactly what we need. We talked to her for 3 hours. She is going to come weekly so we can talk. Mike is talking to her which is great. Hopefully this will help us and especially him.
Zack has been on alot of pain meds. Thursday it was like clockwork, every 4 hours. Friday he went all day without anything. That was very nice. Hes had it a couple times between yesturday and today. Today was a hard day for me. I was feeling his tummy and felt another lump on the other side of his tummy. And the tumor in his liver is almost the size of a football. Very devastating. We are going to have to get him some sweat pants for this winter. Jeans and anything else is too tight. He doesn't have a butt anymore. It looks like two bones that form his butt. He has gotten so skinny through all of this. His hair is coming back real good. It looks like we gave him a short buzz cut. It looks nice. We have been so used to seeing him bald for the last 8 months. His eyelashes are very long again. I was afraid they wouldn't be long when they came back but they are. I think he knows something is wrong with him. Today when I looked at him after I felt his tummy, he just gazed into my eyes and I could see it that he knows. I pray that he doesn't know what is going to happen to him. I don't want him to be scared. I've noticed that he wants to make sure that mommy and daddy are with him. When he wakes up from a nap he will call for both me and Mike and when he realizes that we are with him, he tells us to leave the room. He just wants to make sure we are here if he needs anything.
We sent all of our home vidios to be put on DVD and we just got them back. Mikes mom had watched them first and told us that we don't want to watch one of them. It was the one from last X-MAS before he was diagnosed. I don't think I could watch that one for awhile. The others are pretty much since he has been sick. Thank God for vidio cameras!!! One way of remembering him! I wish those smart people would come up with a time machine so we could just go visit the past. I would pay whatever I had to purchase that.
Well I better get going. Good luck and God bless you all.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Zack and Jake

Monday, October 14, 2002 at 12:06 AM (CDT)

Friday, October 04, 2002 at 10:21 PM (CDT)

Hi Everyone,

Zack is feeling better. He actually got out of bed today and went to lunch with daddy and Grandpa. He actually ate half of his meal :-)!!!! We had our visit from hospice on Wed. They are very nice people. But for the reality part about it, I don't want to believe its happening. It feels like a nightmare and I want to wake up. The worst part was signing the DNR paper. No parent ever wants to be in the position that me and Mike are in. Its the worst feeling in the world. They will be here twice a week and more if we want them to be. A social worker will be here once a week just to talk to us. Today the Tezak Funeral Home called us and said that they will help us as much as they can. I got of the phone hystarically crying. I was not ready for that call. We will never be ready for any of this. I look at Zack and think that I hope he knows we love him. Because he doesn't talk I don't know that he thinks and knows. I believe he does. I just wish he could tell us that he knows. We love him so much. I try to find reason for all this but I can't. If I had one question to ask our Lord, it would be, why does this happen to our children? When Zacks friend Micheal was asked what was wrong with Zack, his reply was "he hurts in his tummy" and when he was asked what is going to happen to him, his reply was "he is going up in the sky". A three year old said this. Does Zack know whats going on? I hope he doesn't. I don't want him to be scared. I wish I could go with him so bad. But we have little Jake to think about. He is definataly our God sent. Mike is having a hard time about this. He was in the boys room to find shorts for Jake, and he pulled out a pair of Zacks shorts when he was a baby and started balling. He was probally in there for a half hour just looking at Jacobs crib that used to be Zacks. Its hard to believe this is happening. Zack and daddy have a special father and son relaionship. Zack has a bonding with daddy that he doesn't have with me. Ever since Zack was born, daddy took him everywhere he went. To the gas station, store, friends houses, etc... Where ever Daddy was, Zack was with him. They are bestfriends. They went out to breakfast every Sunday. It's getting hard on me because for the longest time all he wants is daddy. When I even get near him, he pushes me away. All I want to do is hold my sick little boy. And he doesn't want me around. I know thats why I need to know that he knows that I love him. It scares me so much that I don't know. I'm not mad at Mike for having that relationship with him (it may have sounded that way). Its special to see a father and son have that type of relationship.
I don't know what I want to do with his baby toys. I want to give them to Jake but at the same time I don't want them to get ruined in any way. Zack was the last one to touch them and I think I might want to keep it that way. But on another hand it will be something to give to Jake so he's got something to remember his brother by. I just don't know what to decide.
Jake has his ultrasound and AFP test on Wed. the 9th. Please pray for both Zack and Jake. After the test, I will be a little at ease for Jake. It feels like we are leaving Jake out of alot of stuff. We don't spend nearly the time with him that we spent with Zack when he was a baby. I remember when both of us would stand over the crib looking in on Zack and fighting over who was going to get him out. We cought ourselves the other day doing that to Jake. The sad part is, is that, he is 2 months old and that was the first time we did that. I know hes too young to know any different. And believe me that is a good thing. I don't know how parents going through this with older sibblings do this. Thats gotta be so much harder. Like Matthew's story, Having to tell his younger sister Bonnie that her brother past away. You can find that story on "cancerkids.com". The story is called "Hope For Hepatablastoma". Precious little Matthew had the same type of cancer that Zack has and in Aug. had lost his battle. It is a very strong and heartfelt story.

I will update you all after Jakes test. Hopefully we have uneventful days until then. Thank you all and God bless.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Zack and Jake

Tuesday, October 01, 2002 at 11:25 AM (CDT)

Hi Everyone,

Zack is not doing that well. I don't know if he has a bug or what. He has been running fevers the last few days and he seems to be dehidrated. He's been drinking but not peeing. They had his home nurse come out last night and give him a bolis(just clear fluid) to see if he was dehydrated. If it wasn't that they thought that it might be that the tumor might be blocking his bladder. But he had a good wet diaper this morning. But his breathing in not any better and nor his fevers. He doesn't want to get out of bed. So we went ahead and called in Hospice. They are certified nurses so if Zack has any problems then they can be here everyday. It just doesn't feel right to call them in already. It feels to soon. I'm just not ready for any of this. I hope he just has a bug and thats it. We wanted to take him to Hollywood Games this weekend and Great America next weekend. I hope he feels up to it. But if not we can wait maybe during the week.
Jake is doing good. He should be having his ultrasound and AFP test done this week. They still haven't called me to set up the date. I'm going to give them a call today.
Our fridge went out yesturday and they should be here anytime now to deliver our new one. So I will talk to all of you later. Good luck and God bless.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Zack and Jake

Wednesday, September 25, 2002 at 01:53 AM (CDT)

Hi Everyone,

Zack gave me a scare last night. He was in some pain last night. We are having to give him more pain meds. His breathing is getting worse. His doctor said that his lungs sound fine. She said that its due to Zack's liver being so enlarged that its affecting his diaphram. We are starting to get scared now. But she said that he looks great otherwise. I want to plan his 3rd birthday so bad, but I can't plan that far ahead. It's horrible to live this way. Don't get me wrong, we are blessed to have the time we have with our son, but I want it to last forever. Last week he was doing so good and I really thought that he was going to be around for awhile. But now I just don't know. Everytime I think about the inevidable, I get sick to my stomach. He doesn't even know that he is dying. Thats just not fair. I try to find reason in this and I can't. We are supposed to go first. H e looks at us with those eyes and we can't do anything but look at him back. Last night was just horrible. And I know that thats just the beginning. He knows if he tells us when he is in pain then he gets medicine. So he doesn't tell us. We have to figure it out ourselves. He wants us to make him feel better and we can't. We feel so helpless. It's so hard to watch him go through this. I don't know whats worse. Having your child die in an accident and not have the time to tell him how much you love them. Or, watching your child slowly fade away and giving him all the love in the world. You can't win or loose. I would never wish this upon anyone, even my worst enemy.
We are going to see Disney On Ice tomarrow. I hope he has fun. Me, Zack and Grandma Boyer are going after Jacob's doctor appt. He won't be tested tomarrow for this disease. They are going to send us to the hospital probally on Thurs. to get it done. Please pray for him on good test results. I'm sure he's fine but I'm still nervous.
God bless you all.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Zack and Jake

My email changed to zacksangels@attbi.com

Monday, September 23, 2002 at 10:35 AM (CDT)

Hi Everyone,

I made a mistake. Jakes doctors appt. was supposed to be the 24th along with Zack's. So we had to cancel and make it for Wed. I will keep you informed about Zack's and Jakes appointments. Until then God bless you all!!

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Zack and Jake

Sunday, September 22, 2002 at 02:39 AM (CDT)

Hi Everyone,

Zack is starting to scare me a little bit. Last night he was breathing funny. Like as if he was in pain. We are not ready for this yet. I don't think we will ever be ready. But I just checked up on him and he's not breathing like that tonight. So I just don't know. We will bring it up to his doctor on Tuesday.
He was full of energy tonight playing with Nini (his kitten). And then he just went up stairs and put himself to bed. It was very amusing.
I'm taking Zack to see Disney On Ice. My mom's friend is giving us tickets for Wednesday, 25th. I'm going to see if we can get pictures with the charactures. We will see. I think he would like that. He liked them down in Florida.
Today we went to a friends birthday party and they had a real live pony there. Zack was so afraid of it though. So we put Jake on it and daddy and Zack stood next to it for a picture. It was cute. I don't know what it is, but he would rather play with those fisher price kitchens than anything else other than cars, of course. He's trying to cook at age of 2 1/2. Go figure.
God bless you all!!!

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Zack and Jake

Thursday, September 19, 2002 at 02:20 PM (CDT)

Sorry but you have to look at the HISTORY to see the last journal entery. Somehow it got bumped..
God bless you all!!

Thanks,
Becky

Thursday, September 12, 2002 at 08:05 PM (CDT)

Hi Everyone,

Sorry its been so long since I have updated. Our internet has been down since we have been back from Florida. It still is down. Well Zack had the best time at Florida. We went to Epcot, Magic Kingdom, Sea World, Daytona Beach and Cocao Beach. Give Kids The World is where we stayed at. The people there are wonderful. They left a movie and a toy for both Zack and Jake every morning. Half the employees are volunteers. Zack met Mickey a couple of times and got pictures with him and tons of his friends. Zack went through a total transition when we got there. He was running, laughing and smiling for the first time in a couple of months. Jake also was an angel for the trip. He pretty much stayed at the villa while we were out. it was like a 100 degrees. He had so much fun.
We took him to Santas Village when we got back. We went with Zack's cancer buddy Jack and his family. Unifortanatlly it got cut short due to an accident with one of the kids.
We had a doctors appointment on Aug. 27,02 to make our final decision on taking Zack of all medication. It was one of the hardest decisions we could make. He's not on anything anymore. No more Bactrim, no more chemo, no more nothing. Zack is feeling great right now. He hasn't complained about anything yet. We will be taking him to see his onocoligist once a month to get his port flushed. She might see something that we don't since we are around him all the time. I'm scared to endure the upcoming months. I don't even want to think that far ahead. His next doc. appointment is Sept. 24th.
Please still keep him in your prayers. I still have not lost hope. To who is reading this, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!!!
I'll write again soon.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Zack and Jacob

Thursday, September 19, 2002 at 01:44 PM (CDT)

Hi Everyone,

Zack is doing good. He has started to complain about pain but he forgets about before we get the pain meds. I don't think its that severe. He is full of energy and life. He is so cute with Jacob, too. When we change Jakes diaper, Zack wants to wipe his toosh. He makes sure that Jake has a binky and wants to get Jake out of his carseat when we get home. And then Zack wants to sit in there. Like his swing and bouncy seat. Its quite humurous. Jake is doing good too. He slept through the night for the first time last night. From 1 a.m. to 10:30 a.m.. When I woke up at 10:30 I rushed in the room to make sure he was still breathing. I swear these two kids are trying to give me a heart attack. For the last week he has been up screaming from 10 p.m. to 4 a.m.. Mike stayed up with him all those nights and last night was my turn. He's mad at me for that. he he!!!!
We have Jakes doctors appt. the 23rd to start testing him for Hepatoblastoma. I pray they find nothing!!! Zack's doctor appt. is the 24th to have his port flushed and to see the Dr.. Each dr. appt. I'm going to get more nervous. We still are in denial of the fact that Zack is not going to make it. The fact that I won't see him go to kindergarden, graduate, get married and most important be father just tears my heart apart. The things that most people take for granted my son will never have a chance to do. He won't be able to fulfill his dreams. All we can do is make him as happy as possible and love him with all of our hearts. Thats all that is important now.

Oh, by the way, Jakes test from the upper GI came back normal. So he is doing great.

Well I will talk to you later!!!

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Zack and Jake

Thursday, September 12, 2002 at 08:05 PM (CDT)

Tuesday, August 06, 2002 at 04:59 PM (CDT)

Hi Everyone,

WE NOW HAVE PHOTOS. PLEASE SEE THE ALBUM.

It looks like we are leaving for Walt Disney World Aug. 14th and come back on the 20th. We want to go as soon as possible so Zack is still feeling pretty good. I can't wait to see Zack smile again. From the sounds of it they treat these kids like kings and queens. We had taken him to a JackHammer baseball game(through Wish Apon A Star) and he had a blast. Daddy had to throw the ball to the catcher because he got so scared in front of the crowd. He had more fun with the mascot than anything else. He actually had 2 hot dogs. Yeah!!! We got tons of pictures.
Zack is feeling ok today. We are going to talk to the doctors when we get back from the trip about calling in hospice. We don't know when he's going to start being in pain. The doctors are just guessing 1-3 months. It may be alot longer than that. God I hope so. We are hoping for a miracle. We can only take one day at a time. I look at him and he doesn't look like he's got a fatal disease. He looks like my baby with no hair. Thats all. I think thats why its so hard to believe. Why Him??? I just don't understand why children should have to go through this. Us parents are the ones that should go first. It's just not fair. Zack has been through so much within the last 6 months than people endure in a life time. And what makes me agree, is that this could have been caught in the beginning stages. If only they did a blood test. I do believe that children should be tested once a year until they are old enough to tell you whats wrong. How does toddler tell you they are not feeling good or they don't feel right. They can't. It makes me want to cry that we could have caught this earlier. And maybe the outcome would still be the same but we will never know.
We got some really good pictures of Zack and Jacob. Zack was actually hoding him with daddy's help of course. We are going to get family pictures done tomarrow. They are going to come out to the house. I think Zack will feel more comforable at home. We are planning on getting Jacob baptised at the end of this month. So Zack is here for it.
I'll will write again soon. Good luck and God bless.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike, Zack and Jacob

Friday, August 02, 2002 at 07:04 AM (CDT)

Hi Everyone,
Zack is now a big brother!!! Jacob McCormick was born on July 23rd at 4:31 p.m. He was 8 lbs 2 oz and 21 inches long. He has blonde hair and bluish gray eyes. Very cute and looks just like Zack.
We got extremly bad news on Zack yesturday. The doctors told us the chemo wasn't working. And that there isn't anything that will work. They told us about one drug that they could try but it has only been used on adults. Zack would be one of the first kids that it would be used on. But they said that Zack has too much disease in his body that all that would do is by a little time. And the risks may involve spending the rest of his time left in the hospital. We've decided to take him off chemo and have the rest of his time spent at home. I want him to be as comfortable as possible. They said that they can't determine how much time but they gave us about 1-3 months. It just breaks my heart to write this. I just can't imagine was his poor little body and spirit is going to face these up coming months. You don't understand how difficult it was to make the choice we did. I am so angry that I won't be able to see him grow up. I can't look at him and not cry. I'm trying to be strong for him but it is so hard. His brother won't know him. Exept through pictures and vidios. We are so blessed to have the time that we have with him but it still is not enough. I keep thinking about how much joy he brings us. I don't know how to deal with the fact that I'm going to lose him. We are going to charish every moment we have left with him. I just want to take his place so bad. It's not fair that he has to go through this. I don't want him to have any pain. The doctors say that because of all the disease in his lungs that he will eventualy have breathing problems and then one day he will go to sleep and never wake up. I'm going to be so afraid for him to take a nap and go to bed. I know that he knows that we love him but I wish he could tell us that. i'm sorry but I can't write anymore. I will write again later.

Love Always,
Becky

Thursday, July 11, 2002 at 11:59 PM (CDT)

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for all the letters. Zack is feeling pretty good. He has been having slight fevers since yesterday but nothing serious. Also, he has had a runny nose since hes been on doxorubicin. His walking is getting a little better. I'm thinking its do to chemo. One of the side affects is nerve damage. We got the results on the cat scan. There was no change since he has been on this chemo. It didnt get worse but it didn't get better either. The chemo is not working after three courses. So once again we are at a standstill. Dr. Campbell is out of town this week and is supposed to call us on Monday, the 15th, to tell us what are next options are. I'm sure they will take him off the Doxorubicin since it isn't working. I just don't understand how the cancer is not getting worse but its not getting better. So is the chemo having any effect on the cancer? And obviously tracking his AFP's through his blood is for the birds. AFP's were dropping once again and yet there is no change. Somebody please explain this to me. I was so hoping for good news today! But I guess we won't find out anything concrete until Dr. Campbell looks at the scans on Monday.
We got good news this week though. We are going to Disney Land. Make a Wish Foundation is sending us. It's a great orginization. We were going to go at the end of August but now we will have to see what are course of treatment is going to be. I just want Zack to be in the best of spirits when we go. It will be nice to take the baby along, too.
Well that is the news for now. Please keep him your prayers. I'll let you know what happens on Monday.
Thanks and God bless.

Love Always,
Becky

Wednesday, July 03, 2002 at 10:34 PM (CDT)

Hi, everyone!!! Thank you for all the nice letters to Zack... So far he's doing great. I wish he would eat more, but its satisfactory for now. He has a cat scan on July 10th to see if this chemo is working. It looks like it is working by his AFP's. They were 462,000 at the beginning of this chemo and they were down to 240,000 right before his second treatment. We hope the cat scan will show the step in the right direction. With his last kind of chemo treatment his AFP's were going down but yet we found out that the cancer had spread to the spleen, the tumor in his liver and legions on his lungs had grown in size. So we can't trust his AFP's anymore. Hopefully they are right. I guess we will find out on the 10th. He goes in for the third round of this chemo on July 18th.
Hopefully I have the new baby by then or this new one will have to wait until July 23rd before he/she blesses us with his/her graces. Zack will not let daddy leave his side in the hospital during chemo for one minute to help me deliver his brother or sister. HA!HA! I will keep you posted on both his cat scan and the baby!!!
Please pray for a mirracle on the 10th. We need a mirracle.

Love Always,
Becky, Mike and Zack

sunday, june 17 2002

My son Zachary Michael Hostad was born on November 28, 1999. He was recently diagnosed with Stage IV Hepatoblastoma on Feb. 8, 2002. Hepatoblastoma is a rare form of liver cancer that afflicts children under the age of three. It is a tumor that had originated in the liver and had spread to both lungs and now has since spread to his spleen. From the beginning we have been trying to beat this horrible disease with different forms of chemotherapy, medicine, and prayers.

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