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Thursday, January 17, 2013 10:34 AM CST

I don't visit this page often anymore. I don't know why. I just don't. I don't think anyone else does either, so I guess it doesn't matter. It's amazing how much time has gone by since our sweet girl left this Earth. I feel as though she is being forgotten. Not by her family of course. So many of the people that were a part of her life have moved on and we aren't in contact with them anymore or the ones that are still around just don't talk about her to me. I wish they did. I wish that they would share the times that they remember her with me. It brings her closer. She is the first thing I think of in the morning, the last thing I think of before I sleep, and multiple times during the day. I miss her so much. I still feel like a part of me is missing and I really don't expect that feeling to go away. Yes, it's better than it was, but I know that there will be an emptiness in me until the time I get to see her again.

I can't believe that Paige should be turning 20 in a few days! I have watched her friends that live close to us as they begin their lives and it has been so hard. They are all doing such wonderful things and loving their college lives. I wish so much that she could share that with them.

Scott and I were talking about her the other day. He says when he imagines her here, he imagines her as a perfectly healthy young woman. I can't do that. In my mind, if she had survived, I imagine her as she would have been with all the side affects from her disease. I still imagine that she would be going to college, dating, driving,and having a wonderful life. I just know that she would have had obstacles that other girls her age would not have had. I wish that I could see her the way he does. I do know that one day she will be that way, but in my mind she is still my girl and my girl had cancer. That was a part of what made her the way she was.

So, Happy Birthday my angel. We are here and we love you so very much. We look forward to the day that we will be together again. In the meantime, we know that you are around, watching over us. Thanks for sending us the dragonflies. It makes me happy.

Thursday, January 22, 2009 8:04 AM CST

Happy Sweet 16 Paige

Yesterday would have been Paige's 16th birthday. Such a milestone! A card came in the mail to congratulate her now that she's old enough to get her drivers license. It came with a air freshener for the car. Gee, thanks. What a wonderful reminder that she's not here. This should be such a changing year for her. She would also be able to start dating. I know that she would have been excited about that. She has always loved men. I can't even imagine what she'd be like. I miss her everyday. Everything I do is clouded by the fact that she's not here. My only saving grace is that I know that she is waiting for me and that we will get the chance to raise her. So, these things that we are missing now, we will not miss. I just hate waiting and watching all her friends grow up and do the things that she should be doing. I need to learn patience and to have faith that in the end, it will be ok. Until then, I will move ahead, one day at a time.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008 7:54 AM CST

Another year has passed and we made it. The day was unremarkable. I think that there should have been something to mark the day, a rainbow maybe. I don't know. I appreciate those who remember. It is still amazing to me the impact she had on our world in such a short time. She is my greatest blessing. I look forward to the day when I can see her again and give her a big hug. I miss her hugs. I miss people who used to be in our lives and aren't anymore and I miss the old me.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008 12:40 AM CDT

I hate October! It always reminds me of the end of Paige's life. Scott remarked that last Sunday was the date that Paige went into the hospital for the last time. It's amazing what you remember. I don't remember the dates. I remember the feelings. They come back without warning as the decorations for Halloween start appearing in the stores. I think of going to Target on the way to the hospital to pick up something cute to cheer up the hospital room.

My body betrays me as the heaviness of grief appears again. While everyone else is getting excited for the festivities of the season, I just want to hide. I thought that this year would be different. I though that as time passes and gets further and further away, the pain of her loss would get less and less. It's not true. As the anniversary approaches I feel the grief come back as hard as if it were yesterday. I am beginning to think that it will always be this way.

Friday, January 25, 2008 11:08 AM CST

We survived another birthday without Paige. Her birthday was the 21st. She would have been 15. I can't even imagine what she would have been like. I find myself watching her friends and wondering if she would have been like them. I walk through the stores and wonder what size clothes she would wear and what kind of clothes shew would like. We should be talking about boys and thinking about learning to drive.

Her birthday this year fell on Martin Luther King Day. We were going to go to Disneyland until we remembered that all the schools were out and that would not be a good idea. Instead, we decided to go to a movie that we think she would have liked. We went by the cemetery and left a bag of Skittles on our way to the theater. We met some friends and saw the movie 27 Dresses. The movie was early and we didn't want to go home so we decided to see another movie, American Treasure. Yes, we did buy a ticket for both movies. We really liked both movies.

We went to the grocery store on our way home to get Paige's favorite foods for dinner and we ran into one of her nurses, Susan. It was great to see her and catch up for a while. After visiting, we picked up a roasted chicken, green beans, and cake. The cake was chocolate because there was no white cake left.

The best part of the day was when we got home. Her friend Amber and the rest of the girls from her Sunday School class broke into our house and "heart attacked" us. The girls cut out tons of paper hearts and put them up on the windows, floor, and in the kitchen. There was a trail of confetti hearts and chocolate hearts leading into Paige's room. In her room there was a banner that said, "Happy Birthday Paige" and a vase with roses. In the kitchen there were also hearts and a note to open the fridge. There was a tray with cupcakes and candles.

How sweet and wonderful that these girls continue to remember their friend. How lucky Paige is to have such great friends. It meant so much to us that they remember her. We are so grateful for the phone calls, cards, and flowers that we received from everyone. It helps us so much to know that other people continue to remember her.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007 12:35 AM CST

I will be so glad when this week is over. It is always so hard starting about the middle of October. I do know that the anticipation of "the day" is much worse than the actually day itself, but this year it seems to be so much worse. I really think that it is due to the fact that Kevin is not at home. Somehow, being at home with no children seems to make it so much more final. There is no one that really needs me anymore. I feel like I have lost my job and I mourn for that as well as mourning for Paige.

Believe me, I know that I am still Kevin's mother and that he does still need me, but it's not to the degree that it was before. I am glad that he is doing well and having a good time. There is no place else I would want him to be right now than on his mission. He has been preparing for this since he was a little boy. So, I am glad that he is there and doing well.

I know that to some degree Scott needs me too, but I'm not his mother nor do I want to be. He can fend for himself anyway. Now that he is in school I rarely see him anyway because he has to study so much. I have been enjoying this little break and having him around more since he had to drop out this semester due to his appendix. I will really miss him when he starts back up in January, but I am glad that he has found something that makes him happy.

Everyone keeps asking me what we are going to do on the 8th. I don't know. I would like to just stay in bed and let the day go by unoticed, but that's not an option. We are going to a taping of the Dr. Phill show. How random, we got tickets so we thought why not? After that we will probably go home. We may go by the cemetery, but I really don't like to go there. It breaks my heart to think of my baby in a box burried under the ground. Besides, I know that she is not there. We will probably have Ralphs chicken and corn for dinner because that was her favorite dinner. We will also send some pink balloons up heaven.

Thank you all who keep remembering my Paige. Thank you for talking about her and telling others about her. It keeps here memory alive. My biggest fear is that as time goes by people will forget about her and what a wonderful girl she was. I am grateful for my memories and how lucky I was to have her, even if it was such a short time. I know that she is waiting for me and that I will get to finish raising her to adulthood. I am grateful for that knowledge. How horrible it would be without it.

Think of Paige this week. Share a memory of her with someone you love. Eat some Skittles and send a pink balloon to heaven so someone knows that this little angel was loved by many.

Sunday, October 28, 2007 12:59 AM CDT

We are getting very close to the anniversary of Paige's death and I can feel it. It's sort of like a storm coming in from the horizon. The clouds come closer and begin to settle in on me. I would really like to just curl up in a blanket at home, but I keep forcing myself to do all the things that I need to do.

I can't believe that it has been 3 years. As I watch her friends grow and experience being a teenager I can't help but think of all the things that I am mission with her. I should be taking her to parties and fighting with her. I find myself wondering so often, what she would be like. It makes me so sad that I will not know.

I am continuing to update our family website. If you want to know what we are up to check it out.
web.mac.com/cruisephan

Wednesday, August 8, 2007 11:32 AM CDT

It's that time of year again--TUNATHON!!!
Let me explain what Tunathon is. It is a like a telethon, but it is on the radio. Our local radio station KBIG 104.3 (www.kbig.com) hosts a "radiothon" in conjunction with Childrens Miracle Network to raise money for Childrens Hospital Los Angeles. It's called the Tunathon because the DJ at KBIG is Charlie Tuna. The first Tunathon was inspired by Paige and she was chosen as the representative from California for Childrens Miracle Network. After that the Tunathon has been in memory of Pagie.

To be remembered each year during Tunathon is an honor.
Paige made such an impact on peoples lives. It constantly amazes me that even after her death she still continues to make an impact on people. What a blessing she was and continues to be to us as her parents.

The Tunathon runs for 2 days and the radio station broadcasts for both of those days at Childrens Hospital Los Angeles. Following the Friday broadcast there is a "Tuna Prom". It is like a regular school prom. It is for the patients at CHLA. A tux store and a dress store donate clothes. There is also make up and hair that is done for the prom. It is a fabulous experience for the kids and wonderful to watch.

This year the Tunathon is on August 16 and 17. Scott and I will be there both days to help out in any way we can and to just hang out with the friends that we have met. This year I have decided to be a cash bandit and raise money for CHLA. If you are interested in donating you can go to my cash bandit site and make a pledge. The web address is:

https://secure.e2rm.com/registrant/StartUp.aspx?SID=1548932

We feel such a debt of gratitude to Childrens because of all they did to help Paige and all of her friends. We have always felt blessed that we were sent to that hospital and especially to Dr. Seeger. We have received so many blessing throughout our journey with Paige and we really want to be able to give back. Maybe with the donations that they receive during Tunathon they will be able to help other children so that they can keep their children with them and not have to be in "the club."

Don't forget if you want to learn more of what Scott, Kevin, and I are up to please check out our new family website:
http://web.mac.com/cruisephan

Make sure that you check out the KBIG website and go to "Tunathon" They have a kids korner section. You may need to scroll down a little bit and see a familiar face. Let me know what you think.

Friday, July 27, 2007 2:17 AM CDT

This has been coming for a while. It has been hard for me to feel right about updating this site with news of the Peterson Family without Paige. This is her site. I will always miss my little girl. She was my buddy. We did everything together and with her gone, I am not the same person. But life keeps moving forward and so must I. I will still update this site when I feel that it's right, but I will be using a new site for the Peterson Family news.

I want to thank all of you that have been checking on us through the years. I hope that you will check out our new site as we continue on our journey through life.

The new site is:
http://web.mac.com/cruisephan

Sunday, July 1, 2007 1:17 PM CDT

I got back from my trip to Alaska with my step-mother Barbara last Sunday and it has taken me a few days to recover. Why is it you always feel like you need a vacation to recover from your vacation? Anyway, I was only home for 2 days between dropping Kevin off in Utah and leaving for Seattle to start the cruise. This cruise was on Holland America. We went to Juneau, Sitka, Ketchikan, Victoria BC, and then back to Seattle. It was a nice trip. There were so many beautiful things to see. I can not describe the beauty of the icebergs and their blue color. I was surprised to find out that the ice is blue because of being compressed for so many years most of the oxygen has been taken out and they look blue. We were also able to see a lot of animals: whales, sea lions, sea otters, and bald eagles. I had always heard that Alaska was beautiful, but I was not really prepared for the actuality of it. It took my breath away!

I have learned my lesson. I really don't ever want to go on a vacation without him. I missed him too much. Oh, I did have a good time, but it just would have been better with him. It's kind of like being without Paige. I am happy and I can smile and laugh, but nothing is as good as it was when she was here with us. So why do that to myself if I don't have to. So, from now on vacations are with my wonderful husband and anyone else who wants to come along.

Kevin has been able to send us an email every Thursday and we have also received one letter. He is doing very well and really likes the MTC. He has two companions instead of the usual one because there are so few sign language Elders. He likes both of his companions very much. He is learning a lot and likes the classes he has to go to as well as the speakers that they bring in. I am watching him grow into a young man and I am so proud of him.

It is so very quiet at home with just the two of us. I really need to find something to do to keep me busy. I do need to start scrapbooking. I am behind by at least a year. I also want to do a book for Kevin while he is on his mission.

I probably won't be updating this page much. There really isn't that much to tell. Without kids at home our lives are much quieter and calmer. It's funny, I remember when they were little I would wish for some quiet and calm. Now that I have it, I would welcome the chaos that we had then when they were both here with us. Be careful what you wish for.

Friday, June 15, 2007 10:32 AM CDT

I just got back from Utah the other day after dropping Kevin off at the Missionary Training Center. Wow!! I am so proud of Kevin and his courage to go on a mission. To give two years to the Lord is amazing to me. I am so proud to be his mom.

It was really hard to leave him, but they have it all down to a science as they have new missionaries arriving every Wednesday. We took a lot of good pictures before we went in. (check out the photo page) They had a the president of the MTC, his wife, and another guy give a short talk about what was going on and welcoming everyone. Then they had a 20 minute movie about going on a mission. In the middle of the movie Kevin put his head on my shoulder and just sobbed. Of course, I was crying through the whole thing. He composed himself for the end of the movie and then it was time to say good bye. He told me that he loved me and that he would do his best to love everyone and have a big heart and that was my fault. I think that was the nicest thing that he has ever said to me. He then went through the "missionary" side of the room, but before he did, he signed I love you.

Scott and I have already written to him once and are waiting his letter. He has to write to his family once a week, but he can write to other people if he has time. But still only once a week on his preparation day. He can receive letters and packages at any time. We are going to be sending him a package next week with a few of his favorite treats in it. If anyone would like to write to Kevin send me a email and I will be glad to send it to you.

Monday, May 28, 2007 10:18 AM CDT

It's Memorial Day, a day to remember those who are not with us any more. I wanted to go to the cemetery today to see Paige, but I will save it for another day. I can imagine how crowded it will be. We tried to go on Easter one year and it took us 30 minutes just to get to her, so I will wait. I think that Kevin wants to go before he leaves, so we will just wait for a quiet day. Besides, I don't need to be at her gravesite to remember her. She's not there anyway. I just feel like I should visit and make sure it looks nice every once in a while.

Yesterday was Kevin's farewell at church. He had to get up during Sacrament Meeting and give a talk. His was on Faith. It was a very good talk. Poor boy got so nervous that he skipped a page while he was speaking. It still sounded good thought. No one even noticed. I've decided even though it makes this a long entry to include it. I am so proud of him. He wrote it mostly by himself with a few suggestions from mom and dad to make it a bit longer. I think that he will be a great missionary.

The little blue engine looked up at the hill
His light was weak his whistle was shrill
He was tired and small and the hill was tall
And his face blushed red as he softly said
I think I can I think I can I think I can
So he started with a chug and a strain
And he puffed and pulled with might and main
And slowly he climbed a foot at a time
And his engine coughed as he whispered soft
I think I can I think I can I think I can
With a squeak and a creak and a toot and a sigh
With an extra hope and an extra try
He would not stop now he neared the top
And strong and proud he cried out loud
I think I can I think I can I think I can
He was almost there when crash smash bash
He slid down and mashed into engine hash
On the rocks below which goes to show
It the track is tough and the hill is rough
Thinking you can just ain’t enough
In Hebrews 11:1, the Apostle Paul told the Hebrews “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Alma made a similar in statement Alma 32:21, “If you have faith, you hope for things, which are not seen which are true.” David O. McKay has said: “Faith is a divine gift given unto those who desire and work for it. Faith gives us an assurance of the unseen and is the power by which the soul is opened to truth. We walk by faith in mortality and not by sight as we did in the spirit world before earthly birth; therefore without face-to-face knowledge of God, we cling to the words given by those who bare record of Him, that He lives and guides our destinies. Children should learn faith as they grow, for they learn little in adulthood if not given that start in youth. The world’s greatest need is unwavering faith in a divine providence.”
To me, faith is something that is real but you’ve never seen it, kind of like Australia or the North Pole I know it’s there, but I’ve never seen it. It is by faith that many things were done. The Blue Engine had faith that he would make it up the hill. “He thought he could.” But faith alone is not enough. You must work for it. James 2:20 says, “faith without works is dead.”
By faith, and a lot of work, Noah, after being warned of a flood, prepared an ark to save his family. What would have happen if he hadn’t shown his faith by building the arc? By faith, Moses and the Israelites passed through the Red Sea after the water was parted and escaped Pharaoh. If the Israelites hadn’t had the faith to follow, how would the story have changed? Joseph Smith had the faith to pray to the Father to find out which church was true. What would have happened if he had the vision of the Father and the Son and never followed through with what they asked him to do?
How can we increase our faith? The same way we increase or develop any skill. We study and practice and work at it. As we do that we improve. If we want to be stronger or have more faith in Jesus Christ or the church we must study and pray. One night Jesus’ disciples went out to sea in a boat while He stayed behind to pray to his father. A storm came up and tossed the boat in the waves. When Jesus saw His disciples struggling with their ship in the storm, He started walking on the water toward the ship. The disciples were frightened when they saw him walking toward them because they did not know who it was. When they heard Jesus call to them He told them not to fear. Peter asked Jesus if he could come to Him, and Jesus told Peter to come. But as Peter did so he became frightened and started to sink. Jesus took hold of Peter’s hand and helped him back to the boat. The sea became calm again, and the disciples testified that Jesus was the Son of God. Peter lost his faith for a minute, but when he looked at Jesus his faith returned. This story is important because it reminds us that we need the Lord in our lives and we need to look to Him without faith in him we may become lost or afraid.
Richard G. Scott spoke on faith when he said, “Even if you exercise your strongest faith, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather, God will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you. He loves you to a depth and completeness you cannot conceive of in your mortal state. Indeed, were you to know His entire plan, you would never ask for that which is contrary to it even though your feelings tempt you to do so. Sincere faith gives understanding and strength to accept the will of our Heavenly Father when it differs from our own. We can accept His will with peace and assurance, confident that His infinite wisdom surpasses our own ability to comprehend fully His plan as it unfolds a piece at a time.”
When Paige was sick we prayed and had faith that she would get better. We had no idea that Heavenly Fathers idea of healing her would involve taking her from us. Our vision of her being healed included her being with us. From this we learned that when you have faith in something it will happen but it may not be the way that you envision it would happen. It took a very long time for my call to come and while I was waiting for it to come and I got impatient and frustrated, but no matter what I had faith that it would come and it finally did.
In a couple of weeks I will report to the MTC to serve in the Texas Houston Sign Language mission. I am nervous and excited to be on my own without my parents. I have faith that the Lord will bless me as I do his work. I hope I can remember the Little Blue Engine and work hard and have the faith to make it to the top of the hill. I know I can, I know I can, I know I can.
Bear testimony.

Monday, May 21, 2007 12:39 AM CDT

It is Monday and we are once again in the computer lab. Today I am hating computers. We are in a different lab due to state testing and the computers in this lab keep freezing up on my kids. Either that, or they just can't log in. I want to drop kick the computers!!!

Kevin started writing the talk he is going to give in church this coming Sunday at his farewell. He chose to do it on Faith. I'm not sure what he is writing, but he always does such a good job. His friend Mariah is also giving her farewell talk on Sunday. She is going on her mission to Korea. I am so glad that Kevin is staying in the US. I can mail him packages now and then and it won't break the bank.

That's about it, I guess. Thanks for hanging in there with us. Sometimes I think about closing this site because I feel bad writing about our "new life" on Paige's site. I wish so much that I could share new stories about her. It makes me sad that her site is less and less about her. It's like losing another piece of her. But what can I do? Life just keeps on moving forward whether we want it to or not.

Monday, May 14, 2007 12:43 AM CDT

Another Mother's Day is over and I made it just fine. I really don't like Mother's Day anymore. It's sort of like putting salt in a wound. The week before Mother's Day I attended a "special" Mother's Day at children's for mothers who had lost kids. It was great to see some friends. Nancy (Travis' mom) flew all the way in from Texas to be there. It was so good to see her. It is always bitter sweet to be with moms that are in "the club". It is comforting to be with people who understand and to know that the feelings that I have are shared by someone else. I hate that anyone else has to feel the way I do, but I am glad to not be alone.

Kevin is getting very excited about going on his mission. He is leaving on June 13th. He and I are going up to Provo on June 7th. We will be able to visit some friends and finish up the rest of his shopping up there. There are lots of missionary stores in Utah, especially in the Provo area. There are only a few things left for us to do here. He will deffinatly need to get a hair cut. They will not accept a missionary with a bleached blonde faux-hawk. We will take him to get his hair cut just before we leave. I will put up some before and after shots. We also have to open a checking account so that he can have access to some extra spending money if it is needed. I wonder if they have any of the same banks in Texas as they do now?

We are going to have a farewell party for Kevin on June 3. It will be an Open House from 5-7pm at our house. If you are in our area and would like to come say good-bye to Kevin, call or email me and I will give you the address and directions.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007 4:35 PM CDT

This is going to be a very busy week. I have a ton of things that I need to do to get Kevin ready for his mission. He needs new earmolds for his hearing aides, new contacts and a vision exam, my car needs an oil change, and a bunch of paperwork. School is also very hectic because we are getting ready for Open House. There are at least 3 different projects that we are working on. So, the last thing I needed to do was get hurt. I guess my age is showing because on Monday morning as I was getting my computers turned on and bending up and down for this or that, I moved wrong and hurt my back. Luckily it's only a little hurt, but it does make putting things on bulletin boards and bending over small desks uncomfortable. My class has been helpful in picking up things on the ground or coming to me instead of me coming to them. Thank goodness for that.

Monday, April 23, 2007 12:33 AM CDT

I thought I would update Paige's site today as we are in computer lab and I have nothing else to do. We have been busy with Kevin getting things ready for his mission. When he received his packet it came with a clothing list. So that means shopping for me!!! Not a terrible thing by any means. Although white shirts and pants are not very much fun to shop for. We had a terrible time finding white short-sleeved shirts in Kevin's size. It doesn't help that he is small. We are still in need of 3 more shirts. I will keep looking for them. If I don't have any luck there is a store in Utah that specializes in missionaries and should have them. We are going to have to get his suit there because they will alter it. Poor kid, he is too small for a mens suit. We lucked out in getting his shoes because someone had special ordered a pair and didn't want them. They fit Kevin just fine. All this is keeping me busy on the days that I don't work. I welcome projects that keep me busy and it if nice spending the extra time with my boy.

He and I are flying up to Utah on June 7 so that we can visit some friends and get last minute things taken care of. He has to report to the MTC (Missionary Training Center) in Provo on June 13 and I will fly back home that evening.

I really am not looking forward to coming home after that. It will be so quiet at home. Just Scott and I. What are we going to do? We are too young. We are supposed to have a teenage girl at home driving us nuts. I should be yelling at a hormonal girl to get off the phone. I should me hearing about middle school drama. There are just to many "I shoulds."

Honestly, most of the time I am fine. Scott and I have found our life now. It's not the life we planned on or really the one we want, but it's the one we have so we need to make the best of it and find a new normal. Sometimes the weight of what we are missing just seems so heavy. With Kevin leaving I feel the loss of Paige all over again and I ache for what I should have. I know that it will take some time for us to find a new normal again. I just really wish that we didn't have to.

Friday, April 13, 2007 6:54 PM CDT

Today has been a lucky day for us today. Kevin has finally received his mission call. He will be going to the Huston, Texas mission. He will be speaking American Sign Language. He goes into the MTC (Missionary Training Center) on June 13th. He is so excited. He can hardly wait. We have 2 months to get everything ready.

I will be taking him up to Utah and sending him off by myself because Scott will be taking his finals that week. I feel really bad that Scott has to miss this experience.

Saturday, March 31, 2007 11:27 AM CDT

I know that it has been a long time since I've updated. I was trying to wait until Kevin got his mission call. Poor Kevin, he has been waiting for about 2 months now and still no call. It really hasn't actually been that long that the paperwork has been in Salt Lake. We found out, after 4 weeks, that the Stake President didn't have the a compatible program on his computer and even though he thought that he had sent the paperwork up, it didn't. It took another two weeks to figure out that all he needed to do was download Firefox and then it could be submitted. We had the same problem and fixed it in one day with the help of Kevin's friend Travis. So, now that his paperwork is in Salt Lake we wait again. It's been 2 weeks. Travis got his call yesterday. He is going to Winnapeg, Manitoba, Canada. Kevin is getting depressed and tired of waiting. Especially now that Travis has his call. They turned in their paperwork on the same day. Hopefully, it will come next week. If not, then we will just have to have the Bishop call up to Salt Lake and see what the hold up is.

Kevin had a great birthday in Las Vegas. He was totally surprised. We kept telling him that we were going outlet shopping. When we got to Vegas Clarke gave him an envelope that began a 2 day scavenger hunt. He had to figure out the different places the clues sent him and then perform a task. We stayed at the Paris. What a beautiful hotel. We had a wonderful brunch on Sunday. We figured out the secret to a good brunch is to go at breakfast time about a half an hour before they change to lunch. That way you get to enjoy both the breakfast as well as the lunch buffets. The price is half as much at breakfast as it is for the Sunday brunch at the later time. That was our bargain. Clarke took Kevin to the Hilton to see the Star Trek Exhibit and Experience. The went through twice because it was so fun. Spamalot was great! I didn't think that I would like it. Monty Python is ok. But it was funny. The venue at the Wynn Hotel is small, so every seat is good. Our seats were great!
Kevin said that it was the best birthday he ever had.

Friday, March 9, 2007 11:19 AM CST

Kevin is turning 19 on Monday. I can't believe that I have a child that old. I don't feel that old, at least most days. Times goes by so fast. Where did all those years go? It seems like just yesterday Kevin was that sweet little blonde boy running around trying to be a Power Ranger or "Minja Hurtle". Now, we sit around the house waiting for him to get his mission call.

Kevin loves Monty Python. Today we are surprising Kevin by taking him to Las Vegas for the weekend to see the musical Spamalot. It was on Broadway and in New York, but he doesn't know that it is in Vegas. I have managed to pack all of our suitcases and get them into the car without him knowing. We are going to pick Scott up at school. Kevin thinks that we are going shopping. We are going to pick up Clarke on our way. We will tell Kevin that we are going to the outlets in Barstow. Then we will just keep going. I wonder how long it will take for him to figure it out. Even after we get to Vegas it will take a while for him to guess why we are there. We aren't going to the show until Saturday night. He will be so excited.

Monday, March 5, 2007 1:38 PM CST

It has been a very long time since I have updated this site. I sometimes find it so hard because my everyday life is still full of things, but not as much as when Paige was with us. She always kept us on our toes. Most days I just go to work and then home. I find that I watch a lot more television, especially now that Scott is in school full time. He studies so much that I rarely get to even talk to him.

We are still waiting for Kevin to get his mission call. This will be the fourth week, so we are hoping that it comes this week. Poor kid, everyday he goes to the mailbox so excited and comes back so sad. Once we get the paperwork we will know where he is going and when he will go. We will also know the type of clothing and stuff that he needs to bring with him. We did buy him a new set of luggage.

Like I said, Scott is into his nursing classes full time. He says that he really enjoys it, but it is a lot of work. He was a little frustrated at first when they spent 30 minutes on the first day teaching them how to wash their hands. Now, they are in full swing. He has 6 tests this week and gets to wear his cute nurses outfit for the first time on Wednesday. I will try to take a picture and post it. He looks funny. (I am so mean) I know that Paige would really laugh at him. We really are all so proud of him. He will make a great nurse. He has so much patience and compassion.

Well, time's up for today. My class needs to go to lunch. I will update as soon as Kevin gets his call.

Friday, February 9, 2007 9:57 AM CST

First of all, I would like to thank Colleen for the beautiful new design of this homepage. It is such a fitting tribute to my precious girl. Every time I open it, it makes me smile.

We have been really busy helping Kevin get ready to turn in his paperwork for his mission. He had 3 wisdom teeth removed last week. Poor boy, he looked like a chipmunk. He spent a few days eating jello, pudding, and milkshakes (with a spoon.) After he recovered from that, he began filling out the paperwork on-line. We had many challenges getting this done. It is a new process (being on-line) and no one was sure how it was to be done. Finally, with the help of his friend Travis, the boys downloaded a new browser and Kevin was able to get it done. So, we all sat around on Super Bowl Sunday and helped Kevin fill out the paperwork. We couldn't send it in until the next day because we had a couple of insurance questions. He hit the final "send" button the next day. The last step was the interview with our Bishop and Stake President. They gave their approval and sent it all on to Salt Lake. What an accomplishment. Kevin has been dreaming about this day since he was a little boy. He is so excited. Now we sit and wait. The Stake President told Kevin that it could take from 2 weeks to a month to get the letter in the mail telling him where he is going. Now, all we have to do it wait. We are taking guesses on where in the world he goes. If you want to guess, you can leave a guess on the guestbook. It will be fun to see where everyone guesses.

Now that we are waiting to know where Kevin is going, I need another project. I found out about National Pancake Day. The International House of Pancakes (IHOP) restaurant is giving away a free short stack of pancakes to everyone in the restaurant on Feb. 20. You can also make a donation the the Children's Miracle Network. In our area in California the money goes to help the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles. If you live in this area you can listen to KBIG 104.3 because on the 20th they will be broadcasting live from the IHOP in Duarte. Come by from 5-9am and meet Charlie Tuna and everyone from the morning show. I will be there too. If you want more information about this event you can go to www.KBIG.com or www.ihop.com.

Saturday, January 20, 2007 11:52 AM CST

Paige's birthday is tomorrow. She would be 14. That's old enough to go to a church dance well into middle school. I so often wonder what she would be like. It is so hard to imagine the 11 year old girl I knew so well as a teenager. Most of the things that she cared about then would probably only be memories to her at 14.

As I pass through the mall and look at the clothes I find myself wondering how big she would be. Would she be big enough to not shop in the childrens department? That would make her happy. She hated that all of her friends could wear things that but they were too big for her. She loved clothes so much, as I glance at the clothes in the stores I wonder what style she would wear. Would she still be my pink girl?

I wish so much that I could get to know this young woman and watch her grow and mature. I know at this age she could very emotional. I would welcome fighting with her and watching her become independent and strong.

I miss so much seeing her face with its many expressions. I wish that I had taken pictures of all of her expressions instead of only wanting ones where she is smiling. Why is it that we think that we should always be happy in pictures? I miss her hands and that she always wanted to be holding mine or someone elses whenever we walked anywhere.

I know that one day we will be together again, but for now that day seems an eternity away. I hope that she will have a good birthday in Heaven with all of her friends. And I hope that she smiles down on us and remembers what it was like when she was here and loved more than anything else in the world. She was and will always be my sweet baby girl and I will think of her everyday until the day that we can be together again. Until then, there will be an empty spot in my heart.

Monday, January 15, 2007 2:25 AM CST

Check out what I just learned how to do!! I'm so excited that I figured out how to add this slideshow to the site. Now, I just have to figure out how to add music to the slideshow.
There is not much happening in our life. We are busy getting Kevin ready to go on his mission. We are taking care of all of his medical appointments. He has a dentist appt. this week and then we get to find out about having his wisdom teeth removed. That will most likely have to be done before he leaves. I really like having this project to keep me busy. I like to stay busy with things. It's just easier.
In one week it will be Paiges birthday. I try not to, but I can't help wondering what it would be like if she were here. I would be having so much fun planning a party with her. She would be so excited just to have a birthday. I keep wondering what she would be like. I look at her friends and watch them grow and mature. They are all becoming such wonderful young ladies and I can't imagine her that way.

Monday, January 1, 2007 11:47 AM CST

Happy New Year!!
I hope that you all have a wonderful year. May it be filled with more smiles than tears.

We had a nice Christmas. It was relatively quiet. Just the three of us. Catherine, her boyfriend Chris (AKA Taco), and her friend Ashlyn joined us for dinner and some games. It was nice. Next year Scott and I are thinking about getting a condo on the beach in Kaui. Anyone interested in joining us?

Kevin comes home today from his very last Camp Ronald McDonald. What a blessing that camp has been. It is the one place where Kevin has felt truely loved and accepted. Even after Paige died, it was the only place where he felt comfortable enough to talk about it. He wants to come back and be a counselor when he returns from his mission. We will forever be greatful to the staff and kids that attend camp.

I don't have to go back to work until Jan. 8 so I have lots of time to put away the Christmas stuff and take care of other errands. We are busily trying to round up different doctors appointments so Kevin can turn in his papers for his mission. He will also start the winter intersession at GCC on the 8th. He only has 1 class, first aid, because it is only a 6 week session.

Monday, December 18, 2006 1:35 PM CST

In one week it will be Christmas. Time goes so fast. This will be our third Christmas without Paige. This year has been harder than the two previous years. I couldn't understand why until I realized that the last two Christmases we weren't home. This year we are home and have decorated. It looks beautiful. Kevin even has his own little tree in the den. But it still feels empty. I filled our advent calendar for Kevin with really cool stuff--candy,gift cards,and money. He just doesn't get excited about it like Paige did. Everything at Christmas was so much fun for her. She looked forward to Santa coming and it was always such a big deal to her. Kevin is a teenage boy. Nothing is a big deal except being with his friends. He doesn't even know what he wants Santa to bring.

At church there is a special service on Christmas Eve. We are meeting with another ward and having our Christmas programs together. I am singing with a group of six. I have the solo. I thought singing would help me feel the spirit of Christmas. Nope.

We were able to adopt a family from CHLA, a mom and her baby, to give Christmas to. We also adopted a 6month old from the ACAC at church. It was fun buying gifts for them. I just miss what Christmas was like.

Christmas dinner will be small just us and Catherine. I don't feel the joy in any of it this year. I don't even want to cook so we are going to get a ready made dinner from Ralphs (the grocery store.)

I am looking forward to Chistmas being over and behind us. The holidays are such a sad time for so many people. I know that eventually Christmas will be special again. I can't wait for that day.

I hope that this holiday season finds all of you in a better mood than I am. May the Lord bless you all. Thanks for listening.

Monday, December 11, 2006 1:38 PM CST

Scott and I just got back from an 8-day cruise to Mexico. We went to Alcapulco, Ixtapa, and Manzinillo. It was wonderful. It is easy to forget reality when you are in a completely relaxing and foreign setting. We went snorkeling and did some site-seeing. We also met some very wonderful people.
Coming back to reality is hard. Just when I think that I am starting to deal with things very well, the reality of Paige being gone hits me hard between the eyes. I am singing at church on Christmas Eve with 5 other people and we had a practice yesterday. It was in the Relief Society room. That is the one room in the church that I can not go into because it was where we had the family before Paiges funeral. Everytime I go in there all I can see is her casket. I have been able to aviod the room for the most part by not going to Relief Society. This practice caught me off guard ( I didn't know where it was being held) and I had a panic attack. I was fine once it was changed to a new room.
Most of the time I am just fine, but this was an example of the times where something happens and it hurts just as much as it did in the beginning. I miss her so terribly. I miss her sweet smiling face and how she always had a hug and a kiss for me. I just miss my little buddy. Christmas isn't fun with her gone. She always got so excited about everything. She made the holidays such a joy. Now, the joy of the season is gone.
I'm sorry that this entry is sad. It will pass.

Sunday, November 26, 2006 8:49 PM CST

I hope that you all had a nice Thanksgiving. We had a very nice Thanksgiving. There were 6 all together, Scott, Kevin, Clarke, Catherine, Kara, and I. It was nice. Kevin was happy to have all of his favorite foods and especially the cranberry jello salad. Clarke made the turkey and it was wonderful!

We started decorating the house for Christmas the next day. It is almost done now. It looks nice, but it was hard to see Paige's box of special ornaments. We found this picture of Paige in one of our Christmas frames. We are trying to figure out if it is from 2002 or 2003. I do know that it is from the Camp Ronald McDonald Christmas party. The house looks nice. When it is clean again I will post some pictures. Hopefully, by the end of this week.

Friday, November 17, 2006 7:48 AM CST

We made it through the 8th. Now we have the holidays. I have very mixed feelings about them this year. For the past two years we have been gone for Christmas. We have not decorated the house. I just couldn't bring myself to pull out all of her ornaments. This year will be our last Christmas for a while with Kevin. He will most likely be going on a mission for our church and leaving this summer. He will be gone for two years and we want to make the holidays this year special for him.

We made sure that he approved the menu for Thanksgiving dinner because who knows where he will be or what he will be eating for the next two years. The thing that he wanted the most was cranberry jello salad. He requested that one twice.

For Christmas we will pull everything out and start decorating the day after Thanksgiving. I have always loved everything about Christmas. I love the lights, decorations, the music, and the spirituality. I love the joy that is seen in everyone. People in general have a special light around them at Christmas and people seem much kinder to each other. I don't feel the same joy that I felt before we lost Paige. It just feels empty. She loved to decorate the tree. To see her own ornaments and put them in their special place on the tree. It will be so lonely without her, but it is time to do this. We can't put it off forever. We will get through it and we will make a good memory for Kevin.

Monday, November 6, 2006 1:39 PM CST

This is the worst time of year for us. I feel that coat of grief covering me as the anniversary approaches. Most days are fine. We are getting used to our new "normal". I think of Paige all the time, but the intense pain in remembering is dulling. There are times when the unfairness of her death really hits me and I feel so cheated.
I had a dream about her the other night. She came to visit for the weekend. I couldn't see her, all she wanted to do was to see the people that she loved and take pictures with them so that they would remember her.
I appreciate those of you who remember. It is still amazing to me the impact that my sweet girl had on those around her. I am glad that she is still thought of so often and missed. How blessed we were to have her if only for such a short time. I look forward to the day that I will be able to be with her again.

We have had some exciting news in our family. Scott has been accepted to nursing school at Pasadena City College. He only applied to the one school, so we are very glad that he made it. He has orientation in December and will begin in February. I know that I will not be spending much time with him, but I am very excited for him to go on this new journey.

Friday, October 27, 2006 7:46 AM CDT

Somebody asked me the other day what Paige was for her last Halloween. I couldn't remember, and then it hit me, like a ton of bricks. She wasn't anything for her last Halloween. We did take her trick or treating at the hospital, but it was for us, not her. She really wasn't there. She had wanted to be a jockey. We had found a horse that you could step into and I was going to make her a pink and purple satin shirt. She loved Halloween and getting dressed up.

I bought a pumpkin. I had Scott get the Halloween decorations out of the garage. That's as far as it has gotten this year. I guess that's better than last year. We just went out to dinner with some friends. I have candy and I actually plan on passing it out. I still have a couple of days. Maybe I will get some decorations up. I know that some of the decorations in the box are ones that I bought to brighten up her hospital room. I don't like Halloween anymore.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006 9:25 AM CDT

It's been a while since I have updated and I thought that I would today while I have a chance. My computer at home crashed the other day so I am using the one at work. I hope that they will be able to fix mine and that I won't need to get a new one, but I think that may be the case. It is amazing how much we depend on our computers now. I hope that even if I need a new one they will be able to get some of the information off of the old one. Lesson learned-- always back up everything!!

Last Saturday was Noche de Ninos, a benefit for Childrens Hospital Los Angeles. The last one 2 years ago was the last event that Paige was able to attend. She had such a good time getting all dressed up. We were lucky to get a glimse of the teenager she could have been. Anyway, we did not attend the event, but were very much there in spirit as was Paige. We were suprised last night to be flipping channels when we caught a picture of Paige. There was a segment on the tv show Extra about Noche and they remembered Paige. Also, when I checked my email this morning I received from a friend. She included an excerpt from the speech that Jennifer Lopez gave at the event:

"I have met some very special children throught this hospital and was deeply touched by an extraordinary little girl named Paige Peterson. Paige told me she wanted to be an actress or in her words "a principle" which in the acting word means " a lead character." Paige was someone I deeply admired for her courage and strength. She was an inspriation to everyone around her. When Paige lost her battle it reconfirmed to me how important it is for us to continue to raise money. Paige wanted everyone to know that more moneymeans more research which means MORE CURES! To all of us who knew Paige, she was already a "principle"-our beloved little star."

I cherish every memory I have of my sweet girl and it is so very precious to me when others remember her too. All of this comes at a very difficult time for Scott and I. As we near the anniversary of Paiges death, it is hard to keep from our minds her last days with us in the hospital. Knowing that she is remembered and spoken of by others is a gift that means more to us than words could express.

Thank you all for checking in on us and remembering Paige. Your love gets me throught the worst days.

Friday, September 22, 2006 11:53 AM CDT

School is in full swing. Scott is taking an anatomy class and waiting to find out if he is accepted to nursing school at Pasadena City College. We are hoping that he will get in and then he will start in January.
Kevin likes going to Glendale College. He has a very full schedule. He is taking 12.5 credit units as well as a class in institute (a religion class at church). He has weight training, English, Math, Health, Freshman Semester, and 2 tutoring classes. He is in school from 8-3:30 on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and 9-3:30 on Tuesday and Thursday. He has run into some friends from when we lived in Glendale and from when he went to school in Burbank.
My class this year is going to be difficult. We have quite a few kids with special needs. I am exhausted by the end of the day because we can't give them an inch. That is one of the reasons I haven't been able to update during computer class. I just can't let them be unsupervised for a second. Hopefully, they will get the hang of it and I will be able to relax a little bit. It is still only September so there's hope.
So, school is keeping us all busy at the moment. It will be interesting to see what October will bring.

Saturday, August 26, 2006 8:46 PM CDT

OK, OK, I know that it has been over a month since I have written anything. I have been busy and not able to get to my computer for any length of time. But I have a few minutes now, so here goes.

We had a wonderful 2 week cruise and trip through Europe. We saw so many things. We went to Ireland, Scottland, Norway, Belgium, France, The Netherlands, and England. It was a quick day at each port, but we always had something fun to do. We spend more time in England and took a road trip to Bath and Liverpool. Kevin was so excited to see all the places that The Beatles had been. One exciting thing that happened on our trip was our visit to "The Beatles Story". While we were there there was a fire in the gift shop and the entire place needed to be evaquated. We found out later that the memoriabilia was fine, but the gift store was ruined. We were just lucky that we were finished with the tour. Kevin was sad because he wasn't able to buy any souvineers. We dropped them as we were rushed out of the building.

We had a couple of days to recover from our trip and then it was time for the third annual Tunathon to raise money for CHLA. We spent 2 days working with them on a wonderful radiothon that raised about $750,000 for the hospital. It is always a very fun and emotionally exhausting experience. Paige's presence is alway so strongly with us.

My neices came to visit us from Canada during Tunathon and they stayed for about a week. We have been very busy keeping them entertained. We went to Disneyland, Universal, The Grove, and Hollywood & Highland. I sure hope that they had a good time. They really didn't talk to us much. They were so quiet, not like the teenage girls that we are used to being around.

Today we went to a wedding of two people from our church. It hit me really hard today that I will never be the mother of the bride. I do not get to plan a wedding. As the mother of the groom, I get to be a part of the wedding, but it will really be up to the bride as to what kind of wedding and reception it will be.

I go back to work on Monday and school starts on the 31st. After Labor day my schedule will get back to normal. Kevin starts at Glendale Commuity College on Sept. 6 and Scott is taking an anatomy class as he waits his acceptance to nursing school. We hope that he will be able to start in January.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006 10:55 AM CDT

I thought that I would update because we are leaving to go on vacation on Friday. We will be flying to London and then on to a cruise of Western Europe. We will be gone about 2 weeks. We have never been to Europe before so this is very exciting. Kevin is so happy to go to London because we will be visiting all the famous Beatles spots and spending a day in Liverpool. He is the biggest Beatles fan.

There has not been much else happening in our lives. It has been so hot here. The other day we went to the movies and our car thermometer read 113 degrees. it has been over 100 for about 3 weeks now. Thank goodness for air conditioning.

Sunday, July 16, 2006 12:21 AM CDT

Kevin is home from camp!!!! He was very sad that it was his last time there for the summer. He said, "We all cried like babies!" Poor kid. I am so greatful for Camp Ronald McDonald. There are not many places where 18 year old boys are comfortable "crying like babies." They all just feel so loved there. He has made some wonderful friends and some of the counselors will be friends for life. In two years he wants to go back and become a counselor.

On Monday, Kevin has to go to GCC to take his placement tests for math and english. I hope he does well because the better you do the less classes you have to take. He is not a great tester, but after a lot of stress last week I finally got them to make the correct testing accomodations for him. I thought I would be done advocating for him when he finished high school, but NOOOO. It is even harder now that he is in college. So, we will be monitoring the things that he does and help him to have the most success that he can. When we get back from our trip he will meet with the guidance counselor so that he can choose his classes and register. Because he is under the special ed umbrella, he has to have an educational plan. I think that it is sort of dumb because he will only be there one year and he really isn't sure what he wants to do yet. He just needs to take some GE classes so that he is in a good place to decide when he gets home from his mission what he wants to do.

We are also helping CMN to get ready for the Tunathon. The moved it up this year. It is usually in September, but this year it will be August 17-18. If you live in California make sure that you listen to KBIG 104.3 on those 2 days. I will be on the air sometimes. They are still going to make Paige a part of the Tunathon in memory. If you would like to volunteer to answer phones on those days let me know because it is a lot of fun and we can always use the help. They are doing something really great this year with change bandits. If you collect the most change and take it to a particular Honda dealer in El Monte you can win a car!! I don't know all the details, but if you listen to the station or go on their website there will be more details. (www.kbig104.com)

Well, I've got to go to church. If you visit, please leave a message. I check them often and appreciate knowing that there are people who haven'f forgotten about my little girl.

Thursday, July 13, 2006 11:55 AM CDT

Kevin is gone to Camp Ronald McDonald this week. It has really been lonely here without him. I know that he is having a wonderful time. He was so excited to go. This is his last summer camp and I know that that is a sad thought for him. Camp is the one place where he really felt special. He was Kevin at camp, not Paige's brother.

We are also trying to get Kevin all registered for his first year at college. He is going to go to Glendale Community College this year. We are in the process of getting appointments for his testing and with his counselor. I hope that he will be able to get the classes that he wants.

I have been scrapbooking like crazy. I finally finished 2004 and now I am working on 2005 and 2006 at the same time. I have also learned how to use my new scanner. My old printer died and I had to buy a new one, so this one is a printer/copier/scanner. It has been wonderful. I will try to upload some of my scanned pictures to this site if I can.

Monday, June 26, 2006 11:04 PM CDT

Last week was a very busy week. On Thursday Kevin graduated from High School. It was a very nice ceremony and with over 600 graduates it went suprisingly quick and flawless. Kevin looked very handsome in his cap and gown. We are so very proud of him. We went to a very nice restaurant for dinner and then took him back to school so that he could go to grad-night at Disneyland. He was more excited about this. All of his friends were going and he was also going to be able to hook up with a couple of boys that he hasn't seen since we lived in Glendale. We dropped Kevin off at his school at 10pm and picked him up at 7:30am. He had a great time. He said that it was busier than he has ever seen it, but he managed to get on a couple of rides.
The elementary school had their graduation on Thursday also. If Paige were here she would have graduated with that class. It seemed so wrong that she wasn't here. I found out that the class did remember her. They had her friend Mac dedicate a song to her that they all sang. Also, in the program there was a little piece written about her along with a poem about her being "the one" that starts other people to do great things. I thought that it was very strange that the school didn't let us know that they were doing anything to remember her. I especially thought that it was strange that her friends didn't tell us. Especially Annie, she knew that Mac was dedicating a song to her and didn't tell us at all. I wish that I knew why no one said anything to us about it. It brings us comfort to know that people are still remebering her.
I miss that sweet little girl so much. It is harder now being summer because I am home so much. It was always so much fun being home with her and just running errands with her. She loved to go anywhere (except Home Depo). I really miss my little shadow. It's been so long now. I can't hear her voice in my head anymore. She is still the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night and every moment inbetween.
Today I had to run a lot of errards and she would have had so much fun with me. Her favorite tv show was American Idol. I had to go to the bank and while I was there I saw Taylor Hicks. He won American Idol. I was able to get his autograph for Clarke. She would have been so excited. I really wish that I could have shared that with her.

Monday, June 12, 2006 10:42 AM CDT

We don't have computer today because it is Field Day at my school. I am in the detention room with the 1-3 graders who lost field day because of their behavior. There are 22 in here with me. Most of them are boys. How sad. I am in the detention room because I pulled a muscle in my calf and I am not up to running around the field, so here I am with my "mean face" all day. Oh well, I will be able to get some things cleaned up in my room. My last day of work for this year is tomorrow!!! I will be coming by the room on Thursday afternoon to help make sure that everything is checked out and put away. Also to eat lunch. I can't believe this school year is over. It has really gone by fast. I am looking forward to summer vacation. I have a lot of things to do to get Kevin ready for Glendale College in the fall.
Yesterday the three of us helped out at the Celebrate Life picnic for CHLA. Scott and Kevin were at the gate helping to check in cars. I worked at the booth for Camp Ronald McDonald. It was good to see the friends that we had made. I really wish that Paige could have been with us. It was held this year on the Paramount Studio lot. It was much bigger than it has been in the past. It was very nice. The best part of the day came just before we left. We found out that Emmy Rossum from Phantom of the Opera was going to be speaking at the picnic. Kevin just loves her. We arranged for him to meet her. She signed his t-shirt and posed for a picture with him. He was so excited, he was shaking! It was really cute. Thank you Stacy for making this happen for Kevin. He now realizes that the "vortex" is good for him too. I will post the picture of them when I get home this afternoon.

Monday, June 5, 2006 11:32 AM CDT

June is always such a busy month for me. It is the end of my work year. Yeah!! There is so much paperwork involved that it really stresses me out. I have to get testing done, report cards,awards, cum folders, my room cleaned and stripped, and still continue to teach wonderfully fastinating lessons. The kids are as excited about summer vacation as I am so their behavior becomes terrible. Father's Day is also in June. That used to not be stressful, but it is. Now, we would just like to forget that there is a Mothers and Fathers day. Watching all the kids and the things that they do on those days are just big reminders that Paige is gone. This year we do have something extra special to celebrate in June--Kevin's gratuation!!

We are so proud of him and all that he has accomplished. He is so excited to have made it through high school. There were a few times that we weren't sure it would ever happen. Last night we went to seminary graduation. We were really proud. Kevin got a few certificates for 100% reading this year and for reading the Book of Mormon more than once in the year. When he received his diploma they noted that in his four years in seminary he has had 100% attendance for 1 year and 100% reading for 3 years. Way to go Kevin! We are so proud. Seminary is tough. It means getting up early every morning during the school year and going to class at 6am. That is alot to ask of a growing teenager who needs lots of sleep.

We are so blessed to have Kevin. He is really such a kind-hearted boy. He tries our patience, but what teenager doesn't? I know that in a few short years he will become a man that we will really be proud of.

Monday, May 29, 2006 10:54 AM CDT

Happy Memorial Day
I am glad to have the day off from school today. There are only 3 weeks until the end of my school year. Kevin has one more week and will graduate on June 22. He is looking forward to being "done" with school. He hasn't realized that it only really starts now! We are in the process of getting him registered at Glendale College and trying to find him a part-time job.
We are going to a friends house this afternoon for a barbeque and a swim in his pool. That is unless it is too cold. Otherwise we will just eat and play games. Either way, it is good to get out of the house.
Today is a day to remember those that we love and have lost. I think of my mom. It has been 6 years and I still miss calling her and telling her about my day. Most of all, I miss my baby. There is not a day that goes by that she is not in my thoughts. Everything reminds me of her.
At church yesterday a mom told a story of when her son put a bean up his nose. I remembered when Paige was about 4. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and Paige came in with her blanket and her finger was a little bloody. She kept pointing to her nose and saying, "Barbies butter." It took us a while to figure out that she had put a little plastic bar of butter from her Barbies up her nose. After a visit to urgent care to have it removed. We had a good laugh.
Thank you so much for remembering Paige and continuing to talk about her. It means so much to us.

Monday, May 22, 2006 4:54 PM CDT

I forgot to take my class to computer this morning, but I thought that I should update anyway.
We met my sister-in-law and her family at Disneyland on Friday night so that we could see the fireworks. They are so beautiful this year for the 50th Anniversary. I really wish that Paige were here to see them. She would have loved them so much. The best part is that they have Tinkerbelle flying across the sky while the fireworks are going off. (I wouldn't want that job.)

I helped out in Young Women on Sunday. My friend Michelle was giving a lesson on Temple Marriage. She asked me to speak to her class (14-15 year olds) about my feelings on being sealed in the temple. I walked in to the back of the room and I saw the younger girls sitting in the front. There was one girl sitting there with a blonde ponytail and she looked so much like Paige from the back. I had to leave the room for a few minutes. It took my breath away. It was hard talking to the girls about my feelings about being sealed. About how greatful I am that I chose and was worthy to be married in the Temple. I talked to them about how no one really knows how our life is going to turn out. My life is not the way that I had always dreamed it would be. Who would ever dream that you would lose a child? I am so greatful that we are sealed as a family and that Paige is waiting for us to be with her so that we can finish raising her. How horrible it would be to not have the knowledge that we will always be together. My heart breaks for people who believe that death is the end.
Having the knowledge that our family is forever doesn't really help the hurt of not having Paige with me now, but I would imagine that it would hurt so much more if I didn't know that.
After I was done I left to go home and I had a very ugly cry in the car on the way. I was a sight pulling into my driveway with mascara running down my face. I was glad that noone was there. I haven't had a cry like that for sometime. It was a good thing, sort of. I feel a bit better today.

Monday, May 15, 2006 12:49 AM CDT

Mothers Day is over and we survived in one piece. It was a very exhausting day. Putting on "the face" makes me so tired and my body aches. I know that I was a bit grumpy, but so was Scott. It was hard on both of us. I worried a little about Kevin. I noticed him watching me at church to see how I was reacting. I am so lucky to have him. He is such a sweet, kind-hearted boy.

It was very nice to have my sister-in-law and her family over for a visit, but that too was exhausting. It is so hard to try to entertain when you are just getting through the day. We did have a very nice dinner. Clarke came over and that helped to have someone else. We played games, but the day was so very long. I thought it would never end. By 8:00 all I wanted to do was go and put on my pajamas and get in bed.

Kevin went with his cousins to Magic Mountain today. On Friday we will meet them in the evening at Disneyland to watch the fireworks. Then they will head back up to Canada. I used to love to have people over to visit and now it just feels like a chore. Maybe it just feels that way because I am still a little angry with them for their lack of support when Paige was sick. I don't think that they really believed us about her being so sick.

Monday, May 8, 2006 12:53 AM CDT

I find myself feeling more sad lately than usual. I just realized that today it has been 18 months since I saw my baby. Also, Mother's Day is coming up quickly. I know that I am still a mother. I know that Kevin is here and I should celebrate that. I do. I just feel the loss of Paige so much more on holidays. Kevin doesn't really acknowledge any holiday that doesn't concern him. I suppose that is typical for a boy, especially a teenager, but this is the last Mothers Day he will be home for two years. I know that when he leaves there won't even be a card. It's not like I want a huge gift or anything. I would just like it if he remembered. Paige always remembered. She would make a card, draw a picture, or just give a hug and a kiss. That is really all I need. I don't want to go to church on Mothers Day either. It is just a reminder that I am a mother of a child who is no longer here with me. We have to go because my sister-in-law and here family are going to be here for their vacation. So we will go to church and then have a nice dinner together. It will be good to see them. I just wish it wasn't on Mothers Day.

Monday, May 1, 2006 11:44 AM CDT

It has been a while since I last updated. It was wonderful to see Paige on Easter on Access Hollywood. There were two other children on that show that also had Neuroblastoma. One was Dustin. He was Paiges friend and a great influence on her life. We have lost so many good kids to this horrible disease. Just recently we lost Nick and Vidok. Paige's friend Max also died in April. He didn't have Neuroblastoma. I think that he had Ewings Sarcoma. There are just too many children that die as a result of cancer. It makes me want to stand up and scream about how unfair it is for these little ones to lose their lives so early and then there are people who do horrible things that live a very long life. I have to believe that there is a greater plan. That's the faith that I have to have now. I feel so blessed to know that Paige is not sick anymore and is with many people who love her. I look forward to the day that I will be with her and know what the plan is. Until that day, I continue to have faith and do my best to carry out her mission in life.

Last week the Childrens Hospice dedicated the new bill to Nick Snow. It is now called The Nick Snow Childrens Hospice and Palliative Care Act of 2006. It's a long name. There was a wonderful dedication to him at the Hard Rock in Universal City by the board of directors. It was great to see so many friends, but I wish that it had been for a happier occasion. We were all able to hear a CD that has been recorded of Nicks drumming. Wow! What a talent that boy had. The CD is going to be sold and all the proceeds are going to Dr. Pat Reynolds for Neuroblastoma research. I really hope that it will help him find some hope for all the newly diagnosed children.

Monday, April 10, 2006 1:30 PM CDT

UPDATE***
4/13/06
I just got word that they are doing a special on Access Hollywood this weekend called "Hollywood Heros". They have encluded Paige in it. It should be on the weekend show. I can't tell you exactly what time or channel because it depends on where you live. Just check your tv guide. They said that they combine all of the times she was on the show into her segment. I feel so honored that she continues to be remembered.

Well, it's Monday and I am back in computer lab with my class. My time to update. It is nice to have a few minutes to sit down while my class works quietly. State testing is coming up after our spring break and I won't have lab for 3 weeks. I think that my class will go through withdrawls.
We are getting ready for Easter and Honey Baked Ham. When my mom was around Easter always meant going to the Oakmont Country Club for Sunday Brunch. I sure do miss that. We started going there when I was a kid. It was a wonderful experience to share with Kevin and Paige. They loved it too. One year our waiter got the biggest kick out of Paige and how much she like the sparkling cider. I think that she drank a whole bottle by herself. We finally had to tell the waiter to stop refilling her glass. From then on, everytime he saw her he brought her a glass of cider. She loved him!
Easter makes me remember how much she loved to go shopping for her new Easter dress and white shoes. She knew that you couldn't wear white shoes before that and that there was no way she would wear black shoes after Easter. She was such a clothes horse.
This year we are having dinner at home. Clarke is coming and I am making all 3 "boys" hunt for Easter eggs. Clarke said that he never hunted for eggs as a kid, thus the hunt this year. He is coming over the day before Easter to dye eggs. He even bought egg dye when he was in Germany. I can't wait for deviled eggs. YUM!!
Thank you all so much for sharing your memories of Paige with me. It helps me to feel closer to her when you remember her. Please keep signing the guest book. I really am strengthened by those messages.

Monday, April 3, 2006 1:27 PM CDT

We lost another Neuroblastoma warrior early Sunday morning. Nick was an inspiration to all of us who knew and loved him. He went to Washington DC with Paige and she fell in love with him. Nick was only 16. I know that Paige has welcomed him and is showing him the ropes.
I hate this disease. I hate that it steals our children from us. We have to find a cure somehow. There are too many parents who have lost their children.
Everytime we lose another warrior it reopens my heart to the intense pain of losing Paige. I remember all too painfully that there is no more. No more hugs. No more "I love you"s. No more rolling eyes. No more kisses. No more my best buddy. No more new pictures of her sweet face.
As all of this is going on, the Lord has been mindful of me. I recieved an email the other day from a little girl who went to Camp Ronald McDonald with Paige. She just wrote to tell me that she missed Paige and wanted to know if I would like her to send me some pictures of Paige that she has from camp. She was an answer to a prayer.
Even though I miss Paige so painfully now, I know thata I will be with her one day. She is waiting for me. How wonderful that day will be when she meets me with open arms and welcomes me home.

Monday, March 13, 2006 1:37 PM CST

Yesterday was Kevin's 18th birthday. I can't believe I am old enough to have an adult child. We sent in his registration for the draft and to vote today. Wow!!
He had a great birthday party last Saturday at Dave and Busters. It is like a Chuck E. Cheese for grown ups. We had a buffet of fun finger foods and a pool table in our room. They also have lots of arcade games. Kevin was able to hang out with all of the people that he likes the most. Unfortunatly there were a few people who weren't able to make it, but we ended up with about 26 people. I would say that a good time was had by all. It made him feel good to have so many people come for him.
We had another suprise last weekend too. It snowed!!!! Yes, there was snow in sunny(?) California. It was so much fun. I took lots of pictures so I will make sure to post one. It made me think of Paige. She would have been so excited with the snow. When we moved up to LaCrescenta they told us that once every few years it does snow. She really wanted it to snow and prayed every winter for it. I think that maybe the snow we had was her birthday gift to Kevin.

Monday, March 6, 2006 1:25 PM CST

The heavy blanket of grief has been replaced with a lighter one. That is good. I don't like feeling like I will cry at any given moment. People look at you funny when you are teary and for the most part, they stay away.
I am greatful for my job and for the children that I work with. When you are responsible for 20 8 year olds there is not much time to think about anything but them. Their unconditional love really helps me get through the bad days. Sometimes they do little things that really remind me of Paige. For example there is one little girl in my class, Shayanna, who has a habit of constantly tucking her hair behind her ears. Paige always did that. She hated to have her hair in her face. In fact, she was always tucking my hair behind my ears too. I don't like having my hair there and she knew it. She mostly did it to drive me crazy.
I am really going to be busy this week getting ready for Kevin's birthday. He will be 18 on Sunday (March 12). I can't believe that I am old enough to have an "adult" child. We are having a big party for him on Saturday. He is very excited. We are going to a place called Dave and Busters. It is like a grown up Chuck E. Cheese. We will have an area with pool tables reserved for us. After we eat, everyone can play pool or play the games that are there. I even thing that the adults are excited. Scott is going to take Kevin and 3 friends to Disneyland on Friday because it is a day off at school. I am going to spend the day making Kevs cake. I am going to make it to look like a PS2 game. I will post a picture if it turns out any good.

Monday, February 27, 2006 1:25 PM CST

I have some very good news to report. Monique (Griffins mom) had her baby girl. Her name is Sydney Paige. She weighed in at 9lbs. She is absolutely beautiful. Check out Griffins site for pictures (www.caringbridge.org/tx/griffinyarbrough).
Heidi also adopted her 2nd child, Parker Davis. He was also born in Texas and Heidi just brought him home. She was able to be there when little Sydney was born. We were able to attend Parkers bris yesterday. It was great to be able to welcome them all home. Gabriel and Blake are both very proud of their new siblings. I am honored because they are both named after my little angel. (Paige is the reason for the P in Parker.)
With all of these wonderful miracles happening around us I should be happy. Grief has wrapped its ugly blanket around me again. My heart is so heavy that it hurts and my head feels as if it is in a fog. I miss my little girl so desperatly. I am also missing my mom so much. She died in 2000, but we were so busy fighting for Paige that I never really had the chance to grieve for her. I think that I would like to crawl in a hole somewhere for a while and not come out. I know that this intense grief will pass and I just need to ride it out. I hate it! (Yes, Heidi, I said hate and in this case it's ok.) I want my old life back. This is not the life that I signed up for and I don't like it.
I'm sorry for the pity party. Hopefully next week I will be more together. I have to get ready for Kevins birthday. He will be 18 on March 12 and we are having a big party for him.
Thank you all for putting up with me. I love you.

Monday, February 6, 2006 1:29 PM CST

I have been feeling very greatful for those of you who have stuck (and continue to stick) with us through all of this. I was talking to Monique the other day about the friends that we used to have and how there are so many that have just drifted away. Also, for some our relationship is so different. We are still friendly, but not friends like we used to be. It is so hard to have friends fall away. I treasure the friends that I have that knew Paige. Each of those friends that has gone feels like I am losing a little bit more of Paige. I won't name any names, but you wonderful friends that stay with us and continue to love us, you know who you are. Even though I am not great at keeping in touch, I am very greatful for you.
It seems like around the 8th of every month my heart aches. I miss Paige so desperatly. It has been almost 15months and I feel like I have lost so much of her. I can't hear her voice in my head anymore. I will never have any new pictures of her. Some of the little things that she used to do are beginning to fade. I know that I will never forget her, but as time passes some of her fades away. Just the little things. I am very glad that I have videos of her. How lucky we are to live in the time that these things are possible. It makes me sad for people who don't have those things. Catherine is taking all of Paige's dance videos and putting them together on one DVD so that it is easier to watch. That way I don't have to skip through everyone elses dances just to see Paige. If you are interested in a copy let me know. I have no idea when it will be done, but I am excited.
Paiges friend Nick Snow (www.caringbridge.org/ca/nicksnow) and his family went to Hawaii for vacation. They picked up coral on one side of the island and took it to the otherside and wrote her name on the lava. It is really beautiful. How sweet of him to remember her. I will post a picture later of him with her name. These little remberances are so sweet and keep her alive. I am very thankful for them. Thank you Nick and Shannon.

Monday, January 23, 2006 1:39 PM CST

We survived Paige's birthday. We spent the day doing things that Paige would have liked. We went shopping for a little bit at the mall and went to the pet store. Scott and I saw the sweetest Maltese puppy. We thought of how much Paige wanted a dog and almost broke down and bought her. We came to our senses when we asked the price and were told she was $1800.00. That is a little over our limit for now. Hopefully one day soon we will be able to get a puppy. I guess if we want a Maltese we will have to save our pennies. We will do it in her honor. We will also go to Hawaii and swim with the dolphins for her. Those were the only 2 things that she didn't get to do that she really wanted to do. We promised her that we would still do them.
Anyway, after not getting the dog, we went out to dinner at a place that Paige would have liked. Then we went to see the movie "Hoodwinked". It was cute. Paige would have really liked it. We had ice cream cake when we got home and sent 13 ping Happy Birthday balloons to heaven with a card on each.
I want to thank all of you who remembered Paiges special day. Thank you for the kind thoughts, phone calls, balloons sent, and other things done in her honor. It gives me comfort knowing that she is remembered.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 12:45 AM CST

Kevin came home yesterday from a wonderful 3 day weekend at Camp Ronald McDonald. I am so greatful for the experiences that he has had there. It is his one special place where he feels that he is liked for being Kevin. Not Paige's brother, or our son. It is his. He really does have a good time. This time their focus was on the arts. He chose acting and worked with other campers to put on a radio show. He loved it and hasn't stopped talking about it. He has made some good friends and enjoys seeing them each time he goes to camp. He is a little sad that he is only able to go 1 or 2 more times. That's what happens when you get older. He hopes to go back to camp after his mission as a counselor. You have to be away from being a camper 2 years before you can be a counselor.

This Saturday (Jan. 21) would be Paige's 13th birthday. I can't believe that this is the second birthday without her. It is so hard watching all of her friends grow up and not her. In my mind she is still 11 years old and always will be. Someone asked me the other day what I thought that she'd be doing for her birthday. It really hurt to think that she'd be having birthdays without me. I believe that she will be 11 until we are reunited and then she will grow up with us. I don't think that Heavenly Father would have us miss any of her growing up.

I miss her so much. This weekend with Kevin being gone was a small preview of what we have to face when he goes on his mission. It was so quiet. The house really seemed empty. It was only for 3 days and it was horrible. What is it going to be like when it is for years? I don't even want to think about it. One day at a time.

Friday, December 30, 2005 10:44 AM CST

Christmas is over and we all made it through. I knew that we would, but it was hard. I don't think that I was actually there for most of the day. It was hard to be with Scotts sisters and their families. They have never really been around Pagie so nothing was different to them. What hurt the most was that there was no mention of her. It felt as if she didn't exist. I guess to them she really didn't. It was good for Scott to be there with his family and for Kevin to be able to spend time with his cousin Sean, but I just felt out of place. I'm glad that it's over.
The rest of the trip was better than I thought it would be. We went up to see Banff and Lake Louise. It was beautiful and there was snow. It was very cold. We walked around the hotel there and saw an ice castle on the lake. In Banff we went shopping in the cute little town. Then we went to the hot springs. That was cool. There we were outside in our bathing suits is a giant pool. How wonderful it was to sit in the steamy hot water and look out at the beautiful mountains.
I feel most comfortable with Scotts sister Renee and her family. We played games, watched movies, and just spent time together. It was nice.
Now, we face a new year. Another year where Paige won't be. I can't believe that she has been gone so long. Another birthday that she won't have is coming up. It just doesn't get any easier. Some days are better than others, but the hurt never gets better. I miss my little angel so much. I want her to be with us. Our family
is broken. There is a hole in my heart that will never bee mended. I am learning how to work with it and sometimes there is happiness. It's just not the same. I know that even thought time will not heal my heart, I lwill learn to find happiness more and more. I have so many things to be greatful for.

Saturday, December 17, 2005 10:23 AM CST

It's amazing how fast Christmas is coming. I find myself dreading it. Kevin and Scott are finished with school. I have to work 2 days next week. I am greatful that we had our kitchen remodeled. It gave us an excuse to not put up any Christmas decorations. I just can't get into it. I had to bake cookies for Scott's Home Teaching families and wrap all of the gifts that I'd bought last Thrusday. I just really didn't want to. It felt strange to actually force myself to do it. Christmas always used to be my favorite time of the year. Paige and I did so much together. I miss her so much and seeing how happy everyone is just seems to make me miss her more. I guess it's because Christmas is a family time and our family is broken.
We are leaving for Canada on the 21st and we will be spending Christmas with Scotts sisters and their family. Kevin is excited because he will be able to hang out with his cousin Sean. They are about a year apart. That is the main reason that we are going. I think that Scott is glad that we are going because we haven't been there in years. I am just not looking forward to it at all. I am just looking forward to it all being over. We will be home on the 27th.
I hope that all of you have a very Merry Christmas. Hug your family and tell them how much you love them. You never know how long they will be with you. I take great comfort in knowing that Paige knew how much we loved her and that we know how much she loved us. The last thing that she was able to do was squeeze my hand "I love you" and that memory gives me some comfort.

Thursday, December 8, 2005 2:40 PM CST

I thought I would update since it has been awhile. We made it through Thanksgiving and actually managed to have a good time. We went to Heidi's house for dinner and it was delicious!! Lots of visiting and eating. We even got to eat our first deep fried turkey. Wow, it was wonderful.
We went to Clarke's house after we left Heidi's. We were going to spend the night there and go to Disneyland the next day. When we got there we got to visit with Kara and Clarke and eat more turkey! The next morning Clarke made us a breakfast of "Goldfish Suprise" and we headed off to the Magic Kingdom. What were we thinking?! Every one and their brother was there. We went on 3 rides and then out to lunch and a movie. Thank goodness for the annual pass. It was a busy and nice weekend.
We signed off and made the last payment on our kitchen today. It is beautiful. As soon as I get everything put away and it is decorated I will post some pictures. The kitchen has been a good project to keep me busy. Now, I am looking for another one--not as expensive this time.
Kevin has his first improv competition tonight and he is very excited. I am so proud of him. His last report card was the best he has ever gotten. I just can't believe that he is a Senior. I filled out the paperwork yesterday to order his announcements and cap and gown. We are also working on his applicaiton for college. Amazing! Time goes by so fast.

Monday, November 21, 2005 1:33 PM CST

My class is at computer lab so I thought that I would update this site. Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 44. Scott, Kevin, and I went to my favorite restaurant, The Claim Jumper with Tommy and Kara. It was nice to be able to spend time with friends. We had a nice dinner and a good visit.It was a good birthday, considering. Paige loved birthdays so much. I remember I had my birthday when she was in transplant and she kicked me out of the room for a couple of hours while she and Mady (her nurse) decorated a cake for me. She was always so thoughtful and loved doing little things to make birthdays and anniversarys more special.
For Thanksgiving this year we are going to Heidi's house. It is a long drive and we are hoping for only a little traffic. It will be nice to be with her and her family. I have so much really to be thankful for. Sometimes it seems so hard to think of what I am thankful for when I miss Paige so much. But, I do have many blessings.
I am greatful for the friends that have stuck by us since Paige's death. I am greatful for Scott and Kevin. I am really greatful that Kevin passed the High School exit exam and will deffinatly be able to graduate in June. I am greatful for the 11 years that Heavenly Father allowed us to have Paige in our family. I am honored that I got the chance to be her mother. I am especially greatful for the knowledge that we will all be together as a family for eternity.
Well, I've got to go and take my class to lunch.

Sunday, November 13, 2005 2:30 PM CST

We made it through Paige's memorial and the first anniversary of her death. We are very grateful to our wonderful friends for their calls, messages, flowers , balloons released, and candles lit on her behalf. It is comforting to know how many lives she has touched and continues to touch.
I can't believe it has been a whole year. In someways it has gone by fast and in someways very slow. I think that one of the worst things is that we can no longer say "last year" when talking about Paige. How are we going to do this for the next 30 or so years. I am so grateful for our friends that allow me to continue to talk about Paige and for the friend who talk about her. Please keep it up. I don't ever want anyone to forget that she was here.
We are getting used to our new normal. Life keeps moving on. We are remodeling our kitchen. I am making our Christmas cards. Scott and Kevin are busy with school. Life goes on. We are ok. I have found that if I keep busy it helps. I can't just sit down and watch tv anymore, I have to be working on somethng else too. I started today helping Kevin fill out an application for college. We will see if he goes. He may go in the fall or wait until January. It all depends on the paper work and his ACT test. I am deffinatly not ready for him to go away to school, but I know that it is a necessary part of life for him and it will be very good for him. I will deal with it.

Monday, October 31, 2005 7:36 AM CST

Happy Halloween!
I can't help but remember last Halloween. We were in the hospital and Paige was only semi with us. We put a crown on her, put her in a wheelchair and took her trick or treating at the hospital. We were grasping for anything that was somewhat normal. She had been really excited about Halloween before she went into the hospital. She had wanted to be a jockey like Tobey in Seabuiscut. We had gotten a horse that you step into and I was going to make the rest. I have pictures from the hospital on Halloween, but I can't bring myself to look at them. She doesn't look like herself.

As we get closer to the anniversary of her death, more memories of her last days in the hospital come to me. I don't want to remember her that way. She wouldn't want it either. I can't believe it has been almost a year since I saw my baby. I miss her more everyday. I miss her smile and cuddling with her on the couch to watch tv.

I ran into her best friend the other day and although it was good to see him, it was bittersweet. I realized that his voice is changing and that he is growing up. It just brought it close to home that she will always be 11. It was hard to realize that I don't know what she will be like as she grows into a teenager and a woman.

I have a favor to ask of those of you that follow my ramblings. Please sign my guest book and leave a memory of your time with Paige or just something that has touched you. Also, on November 8 please remember her and light a candle or send a pink balloon to heaven for her.

Saturday, October 22, 2005 4:19 PM CDT

I realized that it has been a while since I updated this site. There is not much happening. Today I am home working on Kevin's Halloween costume. He wants to be the bad Anakin Skywalker. So, I will be spending most of this weekend sewing. He is going to a costume party on Wednesday.

We started the remodel on the kitchen. So far the lighting is finished, the new doors are in and we picked out the granite for the counters. Of course the one that we like is discontinued and there may not be enough. Our second choice is nice too. Yesterday they demolished the kitchen. Our house looks like a disaster. The contractor thinks that we may be done by Thanksgiving. I'll believe it when I see it. It will look really nice when it is finished. Maybe I'll post a picture of the finished project.

We are dreading the holidays and the coming anniversary of Paige's death, but we keep pushing through. Having little projects helps. It feels like there is a huge cloud hanging over our head. Sometimes the fog is so heavy that it feels like I can barely breath, but there are times when it lifts. I live for those days.
Today is a relatively good day.

Wednesday, October 5, 2005 9:04 AM CDT

I just realized last night that a year ago today was the day that Paige went into the hospital for the last time. It was a year ago that my little girl went to her riding lesson and had a seizure when she came home. All of a sudden I'm remembering everything about that day. I remember waiting for a CT or a MRI and being so frustrated in the waiting room because she kept having seizures and she was so scared. I remember at the time my worst fear was that she had a brain tumor. Now, I wonder if that would have been better? You can operate on a brain tumor, sometimes.
I miss her so much. I love Scott and Kevin and I am so glad that they are in my life. I have some wonderful friends and the people that I work with are terrific, but I am so lonely. I feel so empty without my sweet girl. I try to stay busy so that I don't have to think. I just can't imagine years and years of feeling like this.
There are so many people that I know that have lost children. What a horrible "club" to belong to. I did talk to one of my friends the other day who lost her son about 20 years ago to SIDS. She said that after a while you realize that a day goes by and you don't think about your child. Then it may be a couple of days. Sometimes the grief comes back as strong as at the beginning. It never goes away, but it does get better. I can't imagine that. I also don't want to imagine it. I don't want to not think of her every minute. But she did say that one day you wake up in the morning and the first thing you remember is that your child lived, not that your child died. I pray for that day. I pray for the day that I will see her again. Until then, I will wait and do the best I can to take care of the family that I have left.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 4:30 PM CDT

I am in my second week of teaching full time. I can't wait for Susan to get back so that I can return to my origional schedule. I have one more week after this and then it will be normal. I am glad that I job share and am able to help her out so that she and her family can have a nice trip. I have found that when I teach every day I get so tired. I am not used to getting up a 5am everymorning. Normally, I am tired, but I have my days off to catch up on sleep and recover before we are busy on the weekends. I can't seem to find that recovery time now. What I have noticed is that I am so much sadder all the time now. It seems that for about the past week there has not been a time when I haven't felt like I wanted to cry. I know it is because I am tired and it takes so much energy to "play at happiness." I have had so many people tell me lately that they can't believe how strong I am. I am not strong!! Not at all. I just fake it very well. I always have. Putting on my outside face has gotten me through some very tough times. It keeps me going.
I spend a lot of time in my classroom by myself. I don't like being with a lot of people. It stresses me out to interact with people. I would much rather do my job and then just go home as quickly as I can.
I used to love to be with people. I loved to talk on the phone. Now, it feels like such a chore. Sometimes I even feel like I'm having a panic attack. I get shaky and short of breath. It's really weird what grief does to you. It makes me angry that I can't be the person that I was. I used to be so optomistic and now, not. Maybe things will change eventually and I will learn to live with my new normal. I don't know how that is going to happen, but I think that it just takes time.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 7:13 PM CDT

The Tunathon is over!! It was a success. They raised almost a half a million dollars for the hospital. I am so honored to be a part of that. The people that work with KBIG and CMN are the most wonderful people. I love them all so much. Tommy, Charlie, Irma, and Heather really worked their tail off!!!! We were there the entire time and I am still recovering. We were there from 7am to 7pm on Thursday and Friday and 9am to 6pm on Saturday. Then after working on Monday we went to the dinner portion of the golf tournament.

I am exhausted. It was physically and emotionally draining. Everytime they had me speak on the air they played a piece that mixed things that Paige said last year with some of my caringbridge journal entries that I had recorded earlier. It was to the music "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart." Needless to say, I was in tears before I was live on the air. They even had Kevin read the letter that he wrote to Paige just before she died. He did such a good job. I have never been so proud of him. I really think that it was helpful for him to deal with her death. He still doesn't talk about it.

My job partner, Susan, is going to Europe and will be gone for 3 weeks so I am working for her and I'm so spoiled. I'm not used to working 5 days a week. Doesn't it just figure that it is the weekend before I have to work full time for Susan.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 3:25 PM CDT

It's Tunathon time again. The Tunathon is a radioathon for Childrens Hospital Los Angeles and the Childrens Miracle Network. It is called Tunathon because the deejays name is Charlie Tuna. Get it? The radio station that does the Tunathon is KBIG 104 in Los Angeles. They did the first one last year and it was a success. Paige was able to help them out alot and we made friends with them for life. They are all wonderful. This year they are dedicating it to Paige because she was such an inspiration. Scott and I are honored. Helping to raise money for the hospital was so important to Paige. We are glad to continue in her memory.

Last week I spent a couple of hours at the radio station prerecording some of my caringbridge journal entries. It was so hard to relive those ending days of Paige's life. It has stayed with me and left me with a deep feeling of sadness. I miss her so much. I can't believe that she is gone. There is a big hole in my heart and there is nothing that will fill it up. I stay busy and that helps, but our family is broken.

As it gets closer to the anniversary of her death her last days in the hospital are becoming more prominate in my mind. For so long I was able to block them out and remember the good times more. I think it's because it is the same time of year. When I remember what happened this time last year it was just before she went into the hospital and we were fighting hard to save her and find out what was going on. I can remember the sense of frustration at not knowing what was happening to her and what to do about it. I know that we did all that we could and the doctors did all that they could, but remembering her slipping away is just so hard. Maybe even worse because now we know the outcome. Maybe we would have acted differently if we had known what was wrong. I just can't let myself go there. It is not a good place to be.

I will keep going. Having things to do like the Tunathon helps to take my mind away from the sad thoughts. It gives me a reason to keep going. It helps me to feel like I still have a purpose. I feel like the old me just was happy to be Paige's mom. I loved to be with her and do things with and for her. Kevin is a joy too, but being a boy and a teenager it is different. I am very blessed to have him. He is such a sweet boy with a giving heart. Paige was my mini me. Does that make sense?

I'm sorry to be rambling a little bit. Thank you for continuing to visit our site. It makes my day when I see that someone has cared enough to sign the guestbook.

Monday, September 5, 2005 9:53 PM CDT

The labor day weekend is over and the school year officially begins. Kevin will begin his Senior year of High School tomorrow. I can't believe that he is that old. Can I really be that old? Time goes by so fast. He is excited to begin so that he can be with his friends. Seminary will probably begin next week. He is not looking forward to having to get up early in the morning. He has really enjoyed sleeping in.

Scott likes his classes at PCC (Pasadena City College). He is taking 3- nutrition, physology, and a PE. His first day of the physology class they had to disect a rat. YUCK!!!! Mondays are his busiest days and he has no classes on Friday. It has been good for him to have something to do.

I start working with my regular schedule this week too. As of last Thursday there were 19 kids in my class. I wonder what the year will be like. A few of them are already starting to look like potential discipline problems. We will see. They sure are cute though.

Keeping busy is really the only thing that helps lately. I can't believe that it has almost been 10 months since I last saw Paige. It is getting harder to remember the sound of her voice. Thank goodness for the videos that we have of her from Access Hollywood and the documentary. I miss her so much. I miss watching tv with her and how she would love to snuggle when we sat on the couch. I watch the young women at church that are her age and wonder what she would be like. Would she still like the same things?

The radioathon (called the Tunathon for the DJ Charlie Tuna) for CMN is coming soon. It will be September 15-17 on KBIG 104. If you are in the Los Angeles area tune in and listen. They are dedicating it to Paige this year since she was an inspiration for last year. She has so much fun and loved the staff of KBIG so much. I will be volunteering all 3 days.

Sunday, August 28, 2005 2:16 PM CDT

Check the picture page to see a picture of Paige's grave marker. It was just placed at the end of the summer.

We decided at the last minute to spend a couple of days at Disneyland before school starts. It is something that we do every summer before school. We weren't planning on going this year because it wouldn't be the same without Paige. We just figured that family traditions don't end just because part of the family is gone. We spent 3 days in Anaheim and most of it was at the pool. Kevin had a friend come down on Saturday and they went to the parks together. It was really good for him to be with his friends. Clarke came down Saturday and spent the day with us too.
Before we left to come home we went to Build a Bear. They have a purple bear that comes out everyyear for childhood cancer. Paige got the bear the first year and named him Dustin after her friend who passed away. Last year she bought the bear and named her Jessi after another friend who died. Both of these friends had Neuroblastoma. The bear came out this weekend and we bought it and named her Paige. I felt sort of sorry for the poor girl who works at the store when we were making the bear. How often is it that the people building the bear all have tears in their eyes as they kiss the heart and put it into the body.
Scott starts school tomorrow and I go back to work. It will be good to be on a schedule. It seems to help when I am busy. Summer is nice (I like sleeping in), but it leaves a lot of down time. I find that I'm better when I don't have as much down time. It's when I sit down with nothing to do that I start remembering how much I miss my baby. I still miss her every minute when I'm busy, but my mind is active doing other things and I find it easier to push the pain away.

Saturday, August 20, 2005 9:51 AM CDT

I just updated the photos on the photo page to some of our pictures from Hawaii. I just love Hawaii!! It is so beautiful and relaxing. We kept ourselves very busy. I think that the most fun thing that we did in Hawaii was go tubing down an old pineapple irrigation ditch. It was wonderful. We were in huge innertubes and went through tunnels and bounced off rocks. I wish that I could have taken pictures, but my waterproof camera broke so no pictures. Bummer. Scott and I sure did look funny sitting in the innertubes.

Kevin is still at Camp Ronald McDonald. I checked the pictures on their site and there was one of his cabin. There he is, in the middle, with a huge smile on his face. It has been so long since we have seen him just smile. Most of the boys in his cabin he has known before. I know that he is having a wonderful time. He also was excited when he found out that he is still able to go to camp next year. I miss Kevin very much, but I am so glad to know that he is having a good time. He comes home on Monday. Scott is going to pick him up while I go to school to get my classroom ready.

I can't believe that it is time for school to start again. Summer always goes by so fast. I am looking for ward to going back to work. I like having the routine and something to do to keep me busy, but I really don't like having to get up early in the morning. It will be good to see everyone and catch up. Scott starts back to school on the 29th. He is taking 3 classes. Two of them are hard so I imagine I won't see much of him. He will spend most of his time studying. It will really be good for him. I want him to be happy and I think that getting his nursing degree will make him feel good. He spent so much time taking care of Paige that he has lost who he really is. He was home with her for so long. It will be good for him to be productive again.

Saturday, August 13, 2005 11:58 AM CDT

I am so excited. Kevin comes home from camp tonight. He has been up at BYU for EFY(Especially For Youth) for a week. I know that he has had a good time. All of his friends from church went. I really miss him!!! He will only be home for a few days because he leaves on Tuesday to go to Ronald McDonald camp. I know he is looking forward to that. Both he and Paige always look forward to camp. I think that this will be his last year because next year he will be 18. Next summer we told him that since he will have graduated he needs to get a job.
It has been so strange to be just Scott and I home alone for the last week. I guess it is a taste of what is to come. It really makes me miss Paige more. We always expected to have her home when Kevin was away. She always kept us on our toes with her busy schedule. Now, Scott and I spend a lot of time asking each other what we want to do. We have a hard time coming up with ideas.
I still have a hard time doing things with lots of people. I avoid parties ( not that we are invited to many) In fact, there are only a few people who still call us to do anything with them. I feel like I'm at a strange age where we don't fit in anywhere.

Thursday, August 4, 2005 1:52 PM CDT

I know that it has been forever since I have updated. We really haven't been home much. Scott and I went to Chicago for the Neuroblastoma conference. It was great to be with so many other angel parents. There is such a great bond between all of us because we are all in the same boat. This is not the kind of boat that anyone really want to be in, but since we are and have no control over that, we are lucky to have people we love with us.
Speaking of boats, Scott and I just got back from an 11 day cruise of the Hawaiian Islands. It was fun and relaxing. Paige was with us everyday. She made herself known. We saw dragonflies everywhere. It was really good to get away and relax. Somehow, not being home seems to be easier because it's not a place that she was a lot. Paige and Kevin did go to Hawaii with us about 4 years ago. It was easy to remember her in the places that we were, but not like being home. There were times on the trip when I almost forgot that she was gone. Then of course, I felt horrible after because I wasn't thinking about her. It's sort of a double edged sword. I feel sad when I think about her and I feel sad when I don't.
It has been almost 10 months now. I can't believe that I have been without her that long. It is getting harder to hear her voice in my head. I feel like I'm starting to forget the little things and that breaks my heart. I miss her so terribly. We got a letter from the cemetery today that said that her grave marker has been placed. It just seems to make it so final. I really don't want to go out to see it. I know that I should. When I get the nerve to do it i will post a picture.
Thank you all so much for checking in on us. It really makes me feel good to know that you all care for us still. Don't forget to sign the guest book. I really look forward to reading them.

Sunday, July 10, 2005 7:53 PM CDT

It's been a busy week. Scott and I are getting ready to go to the Neuroblastoma Conference in Chicago. We leave on Wednesday and will be home on Sunday. This will be the third year that we have gone. It is the first year where we will be in the angel parent group. We are glad to be able to go and be with so many people who understand what we are going through, but it will be very emotionally draining I'm sure. We made a lot of good friends last year at the meeting and it will be really very nice to see them again.
Kevin is doing really well. We are so proud of him. His report card this year was the best it has ever been. He got 1 A, 1 C, and all the rest were B's. For his reward we got him contact lenses. He is really excited and he looks fantastic.
It has been 9 months now since we lost Paige. She is never out of my mind. Sometimes it seems like she's been gone so long that I wonder if she was really ever here. Was all of it a dream? She was always my shadow and I loved being with her. I only hope that talking to the other angel parents whose children have been gone longer will be able to give me some advice on how to continue this way for the years to come.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005 2:11 AM CDT

We went to Catherines dance recital. She dedicated a dance to Paige. It was really nice. There are 3 girls that are with the company who used to dance with Paige. The dance for Paige was to the song Angel. It was a beautiful song. I had never heard it before. Each of the three girls and Catherine had a solo during the song and then after each part there was a picture of Paigewith them up on the screen with a message written by each girl. Of course, we were all bawling. It was one of the "should have" days. Paige should have been dancing with them. The show was really great, but it was hard. There were a few dances where the girls were wearing costumes that Paige had worn before. Also, at the end of the show during the finale there is always a slide show featuring all the kids in the company. It seemed so wrong that Paige wasn't in it.
It is just so wrong that Paige is gone anyway. It is wrong that a parent should outlive their child. I feel like I have lost part of my future. I know that I have Kevin and I am grateful for him. He is such a good kid. But, he is almost grown and he will be on his own pretty soon. A 17 year old doesn't need you like an 11 year old does. Also, because Paige was a girl we enjoyed the same things. There are so many things that we did together. I used to love to go shopping with and for her, but shopping isn't fun anymore.
I used to always look forward to my summer vacation. I loved being able to spend all day with Paige. Just doing nothing was fun. Now, even though I am glad for summer vacation-I don't have to get up early-it's not fun. It is difficult to stay busy. I have to stay busy. I'm not even sure what to do to stay busy. I have been doing some scrapbooking, but I have pretty much caught up with that so now I face finding something new to do. I may do some sewing. I don't know.
I am getting tired of the pain in my heart and putting on a happy face whenever I go anywhere. People tell me that I am doing so well, not really. It's mostly an act. It helps.
It's been almost 9 months since Paige passed. We have also lost both of our cats since then. Simba went out last night and never came home today. I know that something happened to him. He is usually in and out all day. Sadie was eaten by a coyote while we were in Florida. What's next? How much more can we take?

Good News!!
Simba came home at around 3:30 this morning. I think that he got locked in somewhere. When he came home his little voice was gone. We are so glad that he's back. He is such a good little friend. he is the most affectionate cat I have ever had.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005 0:13 AM CDT

We made it through Fathers Day. Our time in San Diego was ok. We didn't really do too much except eat out and walk around. We had fun walking around in Old Town Temecula and then went to one of my favorite places Toms Farms. They have a great furniture store and we bought a new dresser for Kevin. So, as you can see, Fathers Day was mostly uneventful.

This Friday Catherines dance group, Dance Extreme, is putting on their yearly show. This year Catherine is dedicating the show to Paige. She is doing a dance in her memory. She has something else planned, but she won't tell us what it is. If anyone is interested in coming the show is Friday, June 24th at 7pm. It will be held in the theater at Glendale Community College. If you want to go email me and I will be glad to give you the information.

Paige started dancing when she was 3 and started with Catherine when she was 5. She did ballet, jazz, and tap. Ballet was her favorite. She was able to dance until she relapsed for the last time. I know that she missed dancing very much.

Saturday, June 18, 2005 10:22 AM CDT

We are boycotting Fathers Day this year just like we did Mothers Day. We are actually going down to San Diego to a time share presentation so that we can get a free dinner and hotel stay. We figure that we can listen to them for about an hour and then enjoy the rest of the weekend. That way we don't have to do the whole church honoring Fathers thing. It's just too hard. Even though we are still parents, there is such a difference between a little girl and holidays and a teenage boy. Any holiday was important to Paige. She always started preparing weeks before. For Fathers Day she would have drawn pictures, made cards, and made me take her shopping. Kevin hasn't even thought about it. It's just another day to him.

Paige and Scott had such a special relationship. He was home with her and they idolized each other. Of course little girls always think that their Daddies are perfect. They were able to spend so much time together and do so much. I feel very blessed that Scott was willing to be a stay-home Dad. I know that he is glad for all the time he spent with Paige. He has so many wonderful memories of the two of them just doing everyday stuff.

Sunday, June 12, 2005 10:13 PM CDT

On Friday I was having such a horrible day. I missed Paige so much and really for no reason. I just miss having her here. I was just feeling so terribly lonely and missing my little pal. Then, when I was out at yard duty 2 dragonflies came and flew around me. They stayed there the entire time I was outside. I know that it was Paige just letting me know that she is still around. That made me feel a little better. I wonder which one of her friends was with her. Maybe it was my mom.

Today we drove down to Newport Beach with Clarke to Fashion Island. There was an Alex's Lemonaide Stand. That made me feel sad too. I have no idea why. It was so wonderful to see all the people supporting such a great cause. I only hope that as the money is collected will do some good to find a cure for Neuroblastoma.

Hopefully this next week will be better. It is my last week for work. I only work Mon. and Tue. and then school is over. Kevin will still have another week. I can't believe that the school year is over. It has gone by so fast.

Sunday, June 5, 2005 9:29 AM CDT

Yesterday some of the moms from Paige's school arranged to have a tree planted in the garden in her memory. They had a very nice memorial for her. Quite a few people were there. Some from the school, some from church, and some from the hospital. Nick and Palomas mom spoke. Mr. Weingarten (third grade teacher) spoke about when Paige was in his class and the impact that she had on his life. Scott even said a few words. I couldn't say anything. I was really proud of him. Then they opened it up for anyone that wanted to talk about Paige. It was a very emotional day. The tree is perfect. It has purple flowers on it. She would have loved it. I was so honored that they would do this for her. It continues to amaze me the impact that she had on peoples lives. Of course I think that she is wonderful, I'm her mother, but the fact that she left such an impact on others is really a testimony to what a special child she was. How honored I am to have been choosen to be her mother.

Sunday, May 29, 2005 9:56 PM CDT

UPDATE
Kevin has been chosen as a featured child on the tumbleweed foundation website (wwww.tumbleweedfoundation.org). This month they are choosing childrens whos siblings have passed away. He has been left in the background so much. He feels honored to have been choosen. Also, Griffins brother Blake is featured. Isn't it funny that both boys were choosen the same month? The tumbleweed foundation didn't know that Paige and Griffin were friends.
I have been missing Paige so much today. I know that my heart is truely broken. It's going on 7 months since I have held my baby. I miss hearing her voice, watching her roll her eyes, and having her cuddle with us when we watch TV. I know that she is always with us and watches over us, but it's just not the same.

We have been keeping busy. That helps--a little. The other night we attended a banquet at Universal that honored Melissa Gilbert for her work with Childrens Hospice. Trisha Meraz and I were presenting the award to her. It was a lovely banquet, but it should have been Dustin and Paige presenting the award. The "should haves" are the hardest for me. Watching her friends at church and knowing that she should be with them is horrible.

We went to the cemetery yesterday and brought her daisys. They are such cheerful flowers. I knew that it would be a mad house if we waited until Monday, so we went early. It's difficult for me to go to the cemetery because it is so hard to think of her little body in the box. I would rather think of her running in heaven with my mom and all of her friends.

Monday, May 16, 2005 11:48 AM CDT

Well, I made it through Mothers Day and actually was able to forget about the day for awhile. We went to Disneyland with our friend Laura who had never been before. It was a great diversion to show her all of our favorite things as well as Paiges. She was a a trouper. We took her everywhere and absoltely wore her out.

Lately everything in our house has to do with Star Wars. Kevin is (and always has been) the biggest fan. He is so excited for the movie to come out on Thursday. It was so good to see him really excited yesterday when he found out that he was going to the midnight show on Wednesday with the Young Men from church. They are meeting at 9 for dinner and then on the the show. I don't know what time he will be home, but he still has to go to seminary at 6am and then school. Poor kid, he's going to be exhausted!!!
I know he'll have fun and I'm glad for that.

Thursday, May 5, 2005 12:32 AM CDT

It has been awhile since I have updated Paiges site. Mothers Day is coming up on Sunday. It just so happens that it is the 6 month anniversary of her death. I am boycotting Mothers Day this year. I can't believe it has been 6 months since I saw my sweet Paige. I miss her so much I can't even put it into words. My heart feels so empty. I feel as if I am only half of a person here on earth. My other half is trying to peek into the windows of Heaven just to get a gliimse or hear the voice of my baby. I was so blessed to have her here on earth even for the short time that I did. She was so much fun. Not only was she my daughter, but she was my best friend. I miss having her with me every minute. Nothing is as much fun as it was before. We would go everywhere together. She loved to shop (except Home Depo) so she went with me on all my errands. Even going to the grocery store was fun with her. Of course her favorite place to go was the mall or the book store.

Friday, April 22, 2005 1:39 PM CDT

I thought that I would start with something happy. Scott and I were able to go to the taping of American Idol last Wednesday night. It was so much fun. We were able to go because of our friends at Access Hollywood. They had promised Paige tickets and they came through. Paige loved American Idol and especially Ryan Seacrest. She thought that he was "hot". We went for her! I know that she was there with us. She would have had such a great time. We had great seats and were able to see everything. We sat next to two really sweet little girls. They were 11. Thier moms dropped them off because they were only able to get two tickets. It was amazing, the girl who sat next to me had blonde hair and big blue eyes. It was almost like sittiing with Paige.
I went to the scrapbook store with Heidi last weekend to use their tables for scrapping. It was really good to be working on something, but it was also hard. I am so far behind. I haven't finished 2002 yet. I was working on the Halloween pages from 2002 and I realized that I will never have another Halloween. It was such a horrible realization that that part of my life is actually done. Kevin doesn't dress up anymore because he is too old. He just helps out with the haunted house at the church.
It just hit us that we are no longer a family raising children. We don't really feel like we fit in anywhere anymore. We do have some wonderful friends that understand this and are making accomadations, but for the most part we feel letf out. I guess that we just have to reinvent ourselves, but right now I don't have the energy.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 9:29 AM CDT

I've been meaning to update for a few days, but I never really have found the time. So, I have a little bit before school starts today and I will do it now.
Last week we were at the hospital for Costco Miracle Days. The Miracle Days is when the different groups that raise money for the hospital through Childrens Miracle Network are recognised for what the raised last year and they kick off the new year. This year in our area all of the miracle balloons at Costco, Wal*Mart, and Sam's Club will be pink in honor of Paige. She loved to inspire these groups and that was her job. She went to the miracle day every year to tell her story. We have become close with many of the people involved. This year Scott and I are representating Paige. We want them to raise more money than they ever had in her honor. I feel better doing things that Paige would have done. When I work for her, I feel that she's closer to me.
It is hard to visit the hospital in a way. I love seeing the nurses and staff because they are family to me. There are so many people at the hospital that we love.
4West nurses, if you are reading this please know that we love you and think of you often. We are greatful for the care that you gave to all of us while we were there.
I find it hard when I see parents of children still in treatment that know us. I feel like I represent to them their worst fears. I know they have these fears whether they see me or not, but when your fear is staring you in the face it's harder to ignore. I don't want to make it any harder on the families that are still fighting.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 5:03 PM CDT

I haven't updated for a while so I thought that I would. Kevin is home this week for spring break. His shingles are getting much better. He is upset because he has to spend most of this week making up the work he missed last week at school. Too bad last week wasn't his spring break. Hopefully he will get to do something fun. Scott told him that if he finishes all of his work they can go to Disneyland. You would think that that wouldn't be fun after spending a week at Disney World, but no. They may go at the end of the week. I have to work.
Today at school we had our second trimester awards assembly. It was really hard for me. What a strange place to be hit with missing Paige. I thought that I was going to have to leave the cafeteria. What set it off was there was one little girl (not in my class) who was wearing a pair of shoes just like Paige had. It is amazing how I think that I am doing just fine and then, BAM! out of the blue something hits me. As we were walking back from the assembley I was wondering how am I going to do this for a lifetime. How do I wait a lifetime to see my sweet baby again. I miss her so much. Lately I have been missing her hugs and kisses. She was always so cuddly and was always giving me kisses. How lucky I am to have had her.
I hope that I am not rambling on and that this makes sense.

Saturday, April 2, 2005 9:20 PM CST

Hi,
I felt like I should update, but it is always so hard to know what to say. How many times can I say how much I miss my sweet angel. It has been almost 5 months now and it gets harder every day. I have been missing her so much lately. There are so many things that she should be doing. I missed going out and buying her a new dress and white shoes for Easter. I miss being hugged and having her sit on my lap. You just don't get that from a 17 year old boy. That's a good thing. I guess I would worry if he was trying to sit on my lap all the time.
I am getting over my flu now. Scott got a cold and so did Kevin, but Kevin's turned into shingles. Tomorrow we are going to urgent care to see if there is anything that we can do to make him feel better. I thought that we were finished with urgent care visits.
I appreciate all of you that keep up with this site. You don't know how much it means to me to know that you a remembering and loving Paige. It gives me some comfort to know that there are people who love us and are checking up on us. This is not the journey that I ever wanted or would have chosen, but it is nice to know that there are people who love and care for us. Thank you.

Saturday, March 26, 2005 7:07 PM CST

****Check out the new pictures.****
We are back from our trip to DC and Orlando. I will give you the readers digest version of the trip. It was a very good trip, especially for Kevin. He felt like he was actively doing something for Paige and was very honored to be doing it. We were so proud of him. It was a very emotional trip, but also lots of fun. I don't have the pictures back yet, but I will post some when we get them.

We were in DC for 3 days and it was a whirlwind. We did alot of walking and got to know alot of the other CMN families. We went to see some of the monuments. We did get to go to the White House and have a group picture with Mrs. Bush. It wasn't what I was hoping for, but it was ok. It was hard for me to tour the White House because the last time I was there she was with me. We met Lavar Burton and went to the National Press Club for lunch where he was the keynote speaker. On our way to the airport we went to the National Zoo. Paige would have loved this because they had baby cheetas and the pandas.

In Orlando we were able to spend a lot of time at the parks. We went to MGM and Animal Kingdom this first day. Paige just loved the Animal Kingdom and her favorite ride was the safari ride. While we were on the ride I looked over and there was one dragonfly flying alongside our jeep for about a minute. The next day we went to Epcot (Paige thought this park was boring). When we got there a bird pooped on me!!
There were a few events that we had to attend that were very emotional. There was the opening pin exchange with the vendors that raise money for CMN. All of the kids were given large posters of themselves and walked into the ballroom to the music "We are the Champions" while all the vendors stood on the sidelines cheering. Even now, remembering it, it is hard. She should have been there. The awards ceremony was also hard. She should have been there to accept that award. Kevin did a wonderful job going up on stage and accepting in her honor. I was so proud of him. I still am. He is so quiet and keeps his feelings to himself but I know that he hurst as much as the rest of us.

I know that Paige was with us on this trip. She made herself known in such lovely ways?! We did have a good time and we made alot of friends. I am really glad that we did it.

I got sick at the end of the trip so the boys spent the last day at the parks by themselves. It's a good thing that my Easter break is now so that I can get better.

Sunday, March 13, 2005 6:33 PM CST

We are getting ready to go on Paige's trip to Washington DC and Orlando for the Childrens Miracle Network. She was so excited when she found out that she was chosen as the representative for California. She loved doing fundraisers for CMN. I have been having such a hard time lately. My heart is broken and I just want to sleep or cry. I think that part of the reason that I have been having a hard time is because I just know that Paige should be coming with us. It feels so wrong to be going without her. I know that she will always be with us, but it's just not the same.

Kevin is doing well in school. I am so proud of him. He got his progress report from school and it was the best that he has had in years. No D's or F's. He is enjoying his new school and even having a social life. He totally avoids any real discussion about Paige. We have him going to a grief group twice a month. I hope that this helps him to deal with the death of my mom and Paige. He is such a quiet kid and doesn't talk about his feelings. I really worry about him. We celebrated Kevins 17th birthday yesterday. We went to Knotts Berry Farm with one of his friends. The boys had a great time.

Scott and I have started going to a grief group too. We go twice a month too. I is really wonderful to be with a group of people who understand exactly how you feel. I also don't feel like I have to put on the face that I put on in public. It is also good to see that there are people who are ok after a few years of losing a child. I just hope that someday I can be where they are.

Wednesday, March 2, 2005 7:27 PM CST

We got some really exciting news today. Access Hollywood called to let us know that Jennifer Lopez has dedicated her new CD to Paige. They called to let us know because they were running a segment on her(Jennifer) tonight . It continues to amaze me how many lives that Paige has touched. I feel so blessed to have been her mother. I miss her so much. Things like this keep her alive. As long as she is remembered, talked about, and loved a part of her will stay here with us. Keep it up!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005 6:30 PM CST

I want to thank all of you who continue to check in on us. After Paige died, I wondered if I should keep up with this site. I thought what would I have to contribute now that she is gone. I am so glad that I have continued. It has been a wonderful outlet for me to express my feelings. It has also given me so much comfort to read the messages of support that we have received. Keep them coming. We really need them.

I am joining with Monique (Griffins mom) and asking you to email Oprah and request that she do a show on Childhood Cancer. I know that this would make Paige happy. It would help us continue the work that she started and make people aware that Kids Get Cancer. Maybe between our friends and Moniques friends the Oprah show will have so many emails that they won't be able to ignore them.

Friday, February 11, 2005 10:28 AM CST

I was talking with Monique last night and we started talking about taking pictures. I was saying that I am really glad to have Paige's bedroom finished so that I have somewhere that I can scrapbook, but I don't really want to scrap any of her pictures because once they're done, there's no more. She loved to have her picture taken. She was such a ham. Now when we go anywhere our pictures are just not as much fun. I have to force Kevin to let me take pictures of him. We also talked about updating photos on this site. She told me to put on some old pictures. So, I will do that .

I don't know what else to say. I miss Paige so terribly that my body aches. I never quite understood what a broken heart was until now. My heart is truely broken and it will never mend. Our lives have changed and Scott and I will never be the same again. Life goes on and we can be happy, but we will never have that joy in our lives again. Scott and I tend to put on our smiles and go out and pretend. Maybe as time goes by we will be pretending less and less. I don't know.

We are very grateful for our friends and don't know what we'd do with out them.

Sunday, February 6, 2005 8:50 PM CST

We are coming up on 3 months since paige went to Heaven. It's hard to believe that it has only been 3 months. Time seems to pass so slowly now. I hate to have "down" time where there is nothing to do. If I'm busy it's easier somehow. I have been taking a cake decorating class one evening a week. It is a lot of fun and everyone at works loves getting cake once a week. I have been working full-time and that will end at the end of this month. Then I go back to working on Mon, Tue, and every other Wed. It will be nice to be able to sleep in on the days that I don't work, but I don't know what I'm going to do all day.

We have been working on changing Paige's room into our Guest/craft room. It is almost finished. Scott has been doing a great job. He sponged 3 of the walls and is now finishing the closet. We had a phone and cable put in. Today we bought and put together a cabnet for the TV. It is really starting to shape up. It is going to be hard to use the room, but not as hard for me as if we had left it as her bedroom. I just couldn't look at her bed and never see her in it again.

We also started to go to a grief group. It meets twice a month and they are even starting a teen group for Kevin. It was good to be with a group of people who truely understand how we feel. It is also good to see that eventually it does get better. I can't imagine that now. I miss Paige everyday. I can't imagine now that the ache that I feel will ever go away. I know that she is fine and doing great it Heaven. To her, our time apart is just an instant, but to us....

Saturday, January 22, 2005 11:10 AM CST

Well, we made it through Paige's birthday without her and we are all stil here. It was a nice day and we were so lucky to have so many wonderful friends to share it with us.
It was a beautliful day. The temperature was comfortable--not too hot, not too cold. The park was not crowded at all. There were a lot of rides that were closed, but that didn't matter because those were the rides we weren't interested in going on anyway. We really didn't have to wait at all for the rides we did want to go on. It was perfect.
We started the day at one of her favorite restaurants, Rancho del Zocalo. She liked to eat the tacos there. They did change the restaurant a bit, but that's ok. Where we sat we were able to see Thunder Mountain and watch as the kids went on the ride over and over. We were joined by The Olsons, The Yarbroughs, The Wrights, Tommy and Kara, Catherine and Ashlyn, Yvonne and Dakota, Heidi and Gabe, and Haim. All of Paige's favorite people. There were 27 of us all together.
We were able to all stay together for a lunch and a couple of rides at Disneyland. We went on Pirates and The Jungle Cruise. We were also able to pose for a group picture (check it out!)
We seperated after this because we wanted to go to California Adventure. We wanted to make sure that we went on all of her favorite rides. We went with Tommy, Kara, Catherine, Ashlyn, and the Wrights to the next park. We rode Soaring, Screaming, Tower of Terror, and a few other rides. We met back up together between the two parks to send some balloons up to Paige and Griffin. We must have really been a sight. A group of people standing between Disneyland and California Adventure looking up to the sky and crying. It would have been interesting to be able to step away from ourselves and watch the other people passing by.
After another ride on Soaring we left the park to go to dinner. Because it was Paige's day we wanted to do everything that we usually do with her and go to all of her favorite places. The day just would not have been complete if we hadn't been able to eat dinner at Rain Forrest Cafe. It is by far, her most favorite restaurant and where we ate almost everytime we went to the park. Josh met us at the restaurant. It was good to be able to spend some time with him too. On our way out to the car we stopped at the candy store and Kara bought us Paige's favorite cookie.
It was a very nice day. I know that Paige was with us and would have loved the entire day. Emotionally, the day was a roller coaster. There were times when I just wanted to go home and go to bed. There were times when I was glad to be there. It was so strange to be at the parks without Paige, without holding her hand, without hearing her laugh and scream. I guess it's important to get through one more thing without her. I just don't want to. I can't imagine that it will be years without her. I wonder how we will be able to be without her for so many years? I guess that we will just take it one day at a time.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005 4:12 PM CST

I'm not exactly sure how many people are coming with us to Disneyland on Friday. I just know there will be a lot of people. It will be good to see everyone at lunch. We are meeting at Rancho del Zocalo next to Thunder Mountain at 11:30. Hopefully, we will beat the lunch crowd. I am hoping that it is in the middle of January that the park won't be too crowded. Who knows? The weather is supposed to be beautiful. I really hope so. Scott, Monique, and I are going to Paige's gravesite on Friday morning for a visit.
As her birthday gets closer, I find myself more and more emotional. I don't know if I'm going to be able to get through the day. I still can't believe that she is gone. It doesn't seem real and yet it seems all too real. I just miss her so much. I really miss her hugs and kisses and the way she would alway squeeze my hand "I love you." I miss cuddling on the couch to watch TV and shopping with her. She loved to go everywhere, except Home Depot. I was so lucky to have her in my life and I am in constant awe at the mark she left on this world. I am so proud of her and love her so much.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005 9:22 AM CST

I just found out that there is a wonderful article about Paige in the February issue of Latina magazine. It is about Jennifer Lopez, but they interviewed me and talk about Paige's relationship with Jennifer. It is a very nice article.

Here is some more information about Paige's birthday. We will be going to Disneyland and California Adventure and would love to have anyone come and join us. We are going to meet at the Rancho de Zocalo Restaurante in Frontierland at 11:30 to eat lunch. This was one of her favorite places to eat. She loved the tacos. It is also located next to one of her favorite rides, Thunder Mountain. It was the first roller coaster that she ever went on. Catherine bribed her by offering to buy her a Barbie (she was 5)if she went on it. She has loved it ever since. Let me know if you plan to eat with us so that we know about how many seats to save.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005 9:26 AM CST

We went to Texas last weekend to attend Griffins memorial service. It was so nice. Griffy would have loved it. Especially the balloon launch. I tied 2 red balloons together, one for him and one for Paige, and released them. Scott and I were glad to be there to celebrate Griffy and give our support to Monique and Barry. They will be having another memorial service here in LA on the 17th at CHLA. For more information visit Griffins site-www.caringbridge.org/tx/griffinyarbrough.
It's been 2 months now since Paige has passed. I know that she is here with us. The other day Kevins CD player turned on when he was in the bathroom. I know it was her letting her brother know that she loves him.
Paige's birthday is coming up on the 21st of this month. We are planning to go to Disneyland and California Adventure and go on all of her favorite rides. If you are interested in joining us for the day let me know and I will give you more information. I will also post more information as we get closer to the date.

Thursday, January 6, 2005 12:24 AM CST

I am back to work now. It is good to be in the classroom with the kids. I really did miss them. It is easy to be in the room in "teacher mode." It is hard whenever I am not in the room. I am so lucky to work with such very wonderful people who are like family. The hardest part of the day is my duty in the morning. I get to greet the children when they come into the school.It is so hard to hug my old students, especially the ones who are the same age as Paige. They knew her because she came to school with me many times. I am hoping it will get easier.
Scott is going to school at Pasadena City College. He is taking a Psychology class and a gym class. They meet 4 times a week. It keeps him busy. He is also working on painting Paiges room. We are making it into a guest/craft room. He has some great ideas on sponging the walls. It really helps if we stay busy. Just being home is hard. If it were up to us and we had an unlimited income we would just travel and never be home. But that is not the case.

We found out that our dear friend Griffin earned his angel wings on the 4th. I know that Paige came to get him and take him to Heaven. A few days before he passed he told his parents that Paige was in the room with him. She had a big smile, pink hair, and a horse. He was confused as to why she wouldn't talk to him, but he knew it wasn't time for him to go with her yet. Scott and I will be flying to Texas to attend his service this weekend. It is so hard to believe that we have lost another precious child to this horrible disease. My heart breaks for his family. The service will be on Saturday, Jan. 8. That will be 2 months since we lost Paige. It is going by so quickly. I still think that she will come in the door at any moment. I find it hard to breathe and I have noticed lately that all my muscles are sore. How do I keep going?

Monday, December 27, 2004 2:56 PM CST

Today is the last day of our cruise and then tomorrow it is back to reality. It has been nice to be away from home and away from so many memories of Paige. She has been here with us everyday. On every shore day I saw one or more dragonflies and on one day at sea I saw the most beautiful rainbow over the ocean. I know that was Paige telling us hello.
We have had a nice time and we have a family at our table who has been especially wonderful. They have a 15 year old son who Kevin gets along well with. Believe it or not the moms name is Suzanne. We were destined to be together. They have made us laugh at every dinner. I believe that they are the best part of our trip. We also have done most of our shore excursions with them. Thank goodness for new friends.
Kevin has had a good time with the Teen program. We don't see him very much at all. He leaves after breakfast in the morning, we see him for dinner, and then not again until midnight. He has also spent everyday lifting weights at the gym and is becoming quite the inverted triangle. I think that he will miss the ship a lot when we get home.
I have caught a cold, but I'm ok. My nose is stuffy and my throat hurts. I'll live. I am a little worried about being congested on the airplane tomorrow, but oh well....
I will try to post some pictures from our trip after I get them developed. I hope that the picture of the rainbow comes out.

Sunday, December 12, 2004 11:55 AM CST

It has been over a month now since my baby has been called Home. I know that she is fine and in the loving arms of our Heavenly Father as well as many other loved ones who have passed. Sadly, she has many friends that are in Heaven with her who has lost their battle with Neuroblastoma. I am afraid that she will have many more before they are able to find a cure for this horrible disease.

Our family is surviving. We have good days and bad days. We take each day at a time. Sometimes we go moment by moment. Luckily, our bad days aren't always the same. The hospital started a Neuroblastoma family support group. What a blessing. We went yesterday for the first time. There were about 10 families in all stages of treatment. There were 3 sets of angel parents. The best part of this group for us is the fact that they have a teen sibling group. Kevin knows most of the boys in the group and feels very comfortable with them. I think that it will be helpful for him because he won't talk to us. He doesn't want to upset us. It is amazing to me how much our childrent try to protect their parents. What amazing children we all have.

Our family is going on a cruise for Christmas. It had been planned for quite some time. I am so glad. I do not want to be here for Christmas. It is going to be hard enough just being Christmas, but at home would be worse. This way we will be in a totally different place and have lots of things to distract us.

Thank you to all of you who have stood by us. May this new year bring us all joy and love. We are so grateful for everyones love and support.

Monday, November 22, 2004 2:00 PM CST

Paige's service was held on November 16. It was beautiful. The eulogy was done by Catherine Sabados. She did a wonderful job and I was very proud of her. Yvonne Huffman spoke about the special relationship between brothers and sisters and read a letter that Kevin had written to Paige just before she passed away. Sydney Wright played "I Know that My Redeemer Lives" on her violin. It was so beautiful. I am so impressed that at 13 she plays so elegantly. Tommy Monje spoke about his relationship with Paige and all the work that she has done for the hospital. Then there was a beautiful slide show. There were pictures of her to the music "Over the Rainbow" by Iz. Alan Wright presented a beautiful gospel message about what happens after we die.
The service was attended by about 500 people. We filled the chapel and the cultural hall. I was so touched by the number of people that were affected by Paige. I always knew that she was special, but it was wonderful to see how many other people thought that she was special too.
The gravesite service was also very big. Scott and I got out of the car and looked to see an endless sea of cars coming up the hill. We chose a beautiful spot for her at Forrest Lawn Hollywood Hills. It is a new area and it is near Griffith Park. The riding trails go up passed this area and there will always be horses going by. Paige loved riding so much. I know that would make her happy.
Life goes on now. She is never far from my thoughts. I still feel as if she will come walking through the door at any minute. I miss her. I have lost my buddy. We did so much together. She was always with me.
I know that she is still with me in spirit and that I will see her again. I feel blessed to have been allowed to be her mother. What an honor to be able to intrusted with such a beautiful daughter of God. I need to remember that when I feel angry because He took her away so soon.

Tuesday, November 9, 2004 3:21 PM CST

**Update**
Paige's funeral will be held on Tuesday, November 16 at noon. It will be held at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in La Crescenta, California. The address is 4550 Raymond Ave.
La Crescenta CA 91214

Paige earned her angle wings last night just before midnight. She was with her mom and dad and surrounded by love. She will be missed, but her message will carry on--Kids get cancer and we have to do something about that.
I will update more later.
Suzanne

Saturday, November 6, 2004 11:39 AM CST

We are home for a little bit to get Kevin some money for his big Homecoming date tonight. He is so excited. We are so glad for him. He spent the night at a friends house last night. I am so happy that he has such good friends to watch out for him.

We met with the doctors yesterday to go over all of the latest test results. The CT and the MIBG show that there is some new disease in her knee and her stomach. The spot in her stomach is causing some bad pain. We have put her on a continuing morphing drip to try to keep her comfortable.

Neurologically, the tests are still inconclusive. There is no medical evidence why she is doing what she is doing. All the tests are coming back normal, yet she continues to slow down.

We have decided to take her off of all necessary medications and make her comfortable. We are looking into hospice care, but have not made a decision yet if we will go that way.

Thank you all so much for your love and support. We feel so blessed to have so many friends. You have all touched our hearts and in some way are making this a little easier. Please keep praying for Paige. Pray that Heavenly Father will keep his arms around her and protect her from too much pain.

Tuesday, November 2, 2004 1:56 PM CST

Just a quick note as I came home to get some clean clothes. Paige so far, has not developed pneumonia. That is really good!! She is on an anitbiotic, just in case and they added steroids to reduce any swelling that may be in her brain. Since they really don't know what is going on they are trying all different things. She did have a bunch of seizures yesterday, but so far today she is doing ok.
She was due to have a disease evaluation next week and thanks to the doctors and a wonderful mom who agreed to switch with Paige she will have them this week. This will give us an idea of what is going on with her cancer. We need to find out if it is spreading and that is what the underlying problem is.
In the meantime, Scott and I are staying at the hospital and Catherine is staying at our home with Kevin. We are very grateful of such wonderful friends who are so willing to help.
Thank you all for checking in with us and for all your prayers. We really feel very blessed.

Sunday, October 31, 2004 11:53 PM CST

Paige is having problems with an impaction and has been having enemas and laxatives. She was so bad that her back was hurting and she has been vomiting. When she was vomiting tonight she aspirated into her lungs. She is very weak and the doctors are worried that she will develop pneumonia. If she does, they are worried that she won't have the strength to fight it. Please pray for our sweet baby. We are now putting her in Gods loving hands knowing that he knows what is best for her.

Saturday, October 30, 2004 5:13 AM CDT

Happy Halloween!!!
It's 3:30 am and I am sitting at the nurses station so I thought that I would take advantage and update our site. Taking Paige off of the one seizure med is working a little. She seems to be more alert. We have even been able to make her laugh a little. She still sleeps most of the day, but in the morning she is easier to wake up. I seem to see little changes each day. We are in for a long haul if she is going to get back to normal. The doctors still don't have any idea of what is going on, but I will take any little encouragement she will give us. I will try to update more when I can.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004 8:37 AM CDT

Paige had her MRI yesterday and it came back normal. We haven't gotten the results back from the spinal tap yesterday. They usually take a while.
The change of the medication did help to wake her up a little bit. When I saw her last night she was awake (a little) and she was able to give me kisses and talk, sort of. She was able to answer yes or no when asked a question.
She is still a mystery to her doctors. They have brought in a new specialist, an infectous disease guy. Hopefully he will find something that the others have missed. I guess that they want to do a chest x-ray.
The new problem is that she can't take her feeds at night. She can't keep anything down. Maybe this symptom will lead them in a new direction.
I refuse to give up hope that they are going to find out what's going on. This is my last day of work this week. I will be staying at the hospital so I'm not sure when I will get a chance to update. I will do it as often as I can, but it is hard to get to a computer at the hospital.
Thank you all so much for your support. We feel so blessed as a family to have such wonderful friends that love and care for us.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004 7:31 AM CDT

Yesterday Paige had a CT and an EEG. The CT was normal. The EEG showed seizure activity in the same area that they saw last time. It also showed some "shadow area". They said that this could be because of the medication that she is on so they took her off of one of the seizure meds and changed it to another. This could be the reason that she has been sleeping so much. Scott did say that she was a little more alert last night. She still continues to have seizures. We will have to see what happens with the new med. Today she will have a MRI of her spine and head as well as a spinal tap. Luckily, she will be asleep so she won't feel it.
Kevin is being such a good sport. He is left home alone so much. I feel really sorry for him. Tonight he and I will go to a Mother and Son dinner at the church. He is really excited about that. So, I won't get to spend too much time with Paige. That is good because I am beginning to get a cold.

Sunday, October 24, 2004 11:52 PM CDT

I'm finally home so that I can update our page. I want to thank everyone for thier prayers and support of Paige. They are very needed now. She is still in the hospital and continues to have seizures. Her left side is still very weak. She can''t walk without us holding her up. It is very difficult for her to speak. She has a hard time getting the words to come out. Today she is having trouble swallowing. The doctors still don't know what is going on. She was supposed to have an MRI last week, but the power went out in the hospital and one of their machines is down. Hopefully, she will have it tomorrow. We are hoping that something will show up and the doctors will know where to go from there.
I feel so helpless as I watch my baby get sicker and sicker. I am so afraid that this is it. She has never really been sick. To watch her now is so frightening.
I hate the fact that I've got to go to work tomorrow, but it will be nice to have a change of atmosphere. I am beginning to feel so overwhelmed. Nothing is ever simple. Not only is all this going on with Paige, but my brake lights are on in my car and our kitchen sink is backed up and we need a plumber. I don't know when I will be able to get those things taken care of. I also worry about Kevin who is being neglected. It is showing in his schoolwork. His 5 week grades were all D's except weight training. It would be so nice to be a bunch of people so that I could take care of everything.
Why does it seem that everything happens at once?
I'm sorry that I 'm not my usual "PollyAnna" self. I guess I just neede to vent.
Thank you all so much for your constant love and support. We are very greatful for our good friends and family. Please keep praying that God will give us a little miracle and find a reason for what is going on with Paige so that the doctors can fix it.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004 10:43 PM CDT

We have been in the hospital for a week now and don't know any more than we did when we arrived. She is still having seizures, although not as many and not as big. Today she had only a couple of very small "twitches". The weakness on her left side is better in her leg, but she is still unable to really use her left hand and arm very well. She has double vision in her left eye and her right eye (that has always been lazy) seems to be getting worse. I think that her eyes are bothering her more than anything else. She has also started running a fever. We have no idea of how long we will be in the hospital or what we are going to do next. Keep the prayers coming. They are really very needed now.

Friday, October 15, 2004 9:05 PM CDT

I know that it's been a while since I last updated. Sorry, so much has been happening. On Tuesday, Paige was so tired. She slept all day except the time that she had her riding lesson. On Wednesday, she seemed more awake but she was very weak. She had a hard time going up and down the stairs. Scott called me at work because Paige's leg and arm were twitching and she fell down. We went into the clinic as she kept having small seziures. They deciede to do a MRI of her head. It didn't show anything. That is good because I was sure that there was going to be a huge brain tumor. Nope, her brain looks normal. While she was in the MRI she had a pretty big seziure. They decided to admit her and run a bunch of tests. Yesterday she had an EEG and it showed that something is irritating part of the brain on the right side. Which is why the seziures and weakness is on the left side. Today, she had a spinal tap and a MRA. The MRA shows the way the blood vessels work in the brain. It came back normal. That means she probably didn't have a stroke. The initial reports on the spinal are good. They are going to keep her in the hospital at least through the weekend so that can see if any cutlures grow in the spinal flluid. If that is negative they will talk about running more tests. They have put her on some anti-seziure meds and it is working. The seziures are gone, but the weakness is still handing on. She can't really use her left hand very well and her balance is off so she needs help walking a little bit.
Her spirits are good and she is happy now that the "twitching" is gone. That really scared her. I know that this is not the kind of update that any of us want to hear. Please remember to keep us in your prayers. She continues to amaze me. She never conplains and is always happy. When anyone asks how she is doing she always answers, "fine or good." She is deffinatly my hero.

Wednesday, October 6, 2004 4:11 PM CDT

We are home from the hospital!! The culture was negative and her fevers are gone. Why do I think that it's only a matter of time before it comes back? Hopefully, the fevers are gone for good this time.
Her new chemo started yesterday. It is oral and it goes in her g-tube. She likes that, but today she has been throwing up. Her new chemo seems to be making her quite nauseus. Poor kid. At least we have nothing really planned this week so she can just take it easy.
I finally got the pictures from the party. They turned out great.

Sunday, October 3, 2004 11:58 AM CDT

Yesterday was the Noche de Ninos party. Wow! It was fabulous! It started off with a little scare. Paige woke up with a fever and had to go to the ER for IV antibiotics. Scott took her to the ER while I stayed home and packed all the things we would need for the party. We were promised that she would be out in time. It was the quickest ER visit we have ever had. We made it to the hotel with time to spare. Catherine met us there and did our hair and make up. She did a fabulous job. Paiges hair was just beautiful. She looked like the Princess that she is. I think that we all cleaned up pretty good.
The girls did a remarkable job handling the press as they were interviewd by Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight. They were there to greet Jenifer Lopez when she came to the party. After all the photo ops we went to our table for dinner. The food was delicious and it was followed by a wonderful program. There was music and dancing. Trisha Meraz (Dustins mom) received an award for her compassionate service at the hospital. Then J-Lo received her award surrounded by our girls. They were so proud to be with her.
Paige was a trouper. She ran a low grade fever all night and kept up with everyone. She even did a little table hopping during dinner. She had to go visit with her friend Leo and meet his mom. She can't wait to get together with him. She also brought hugs to the Meraz family and nurses from CHLA. She is really becoming such a young woman. I was very proud of her.
We were all up very late and slept in this morning. She still is running a fever and we are anticipating another visit to the ER with a possible admission because her whit e count is pretty high. We will just have to see how it goes.
Well, she was admitted late this afternoon with the same pesky fever. Of course, when we got there. It was gone. But only for a while because by the time I left, It was back again. This will be at least a 3 day stay. So hopefullly she will be home on Wednesday or Thursday.

Sunday, September 26, 2004 7:10 PM CDT

Paige was supposed to start the second round of IL12 tomorrow, but we have run into a problem. Because she was in the hospital with a fever and possible infection she has been taken off of that study. Bummer!!!!
There is another study available. It is also a Phase 1 study. It is Irinotecan and Temozolomide taken orally. These are the same drugs that our friends Griffin and Matthew have been on, but they were doing them IV. The greatest side effect of these drugs orally is really bad diahrea and so they give an anitobiotic called Cefixime. Hopefully this will work for her. She has an allergy to penicillin and ceclor and we are hoping that she won't have a reaction to the cefixime. If she does, we just have to see what else there is.
She will see Dr. Seeger, have labs and a BMA on Wednesday and then we will begin.

Sunday, September 19, 2004 11:07 PM CDT

**UPDATE**
We got home from the hospital today. The decided yesterday to cancel the surgery because the lymph node was less swollen and less painful. If we have surgery and it turns out that it is a new tumor we may have to stop the IL12. There are just so many unknowns that being left "in the dark" may be a good thing. She was sent home on anitbiotics and she will start the next round of IL12 on Monday. They just postponed it for a week.

This has been a very busy and hectic week. Thursday night we went to the Emergency Room because Paige was running a fever. They took blood and gave her an antibiotic and then sent us home. On Friday her fever was still high so we went into clinic for a "sick" visit. We spent all day there, had another antibiotic, took more blood, and then were admitted to the hospital that night. She is still in the hospital and she will be having surgery sometime tomorrow. In her last MIBG they found that there was a lymph node in her groin that was MIBG positive. She has been having pain in that spot to the touch. They have decided that since there is tumor there they want to biopsy it to see if it is living or dead tumor. We are hoping that the tumor is dead and that the IL12 is working. Her fevers are down and she is feeling great. While she is in surgery she is going to have a bone marrow biopsy. That way she won't have to do it later.
Now, for the fun news....
This weekend the Childrens MIracle Network had a radioathon to raise money for the hospital. In conjuction with KBIG 104 and Charlie Tuna they were on the air for 3 days. Paige was a great part of the radio program. She was interviewed and deffinatly won the hearts of the KBIG staff. They won hers as well. But, the best news is that Paige was chosen to be the representative from California for the Childrens Miracle Network Telethon in the Spring. All of us will be traveling to Washington DC to meet the President and then on to Florida for the telethon and Walt Disney World. We are all very excited. For Paige it is a dream come true.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004 10:35 AM CDT

Just a little update... Paige was on the Extra tv show last night. If you missed it and want to check it out you can go to Extratv.com. They have a video of the segment. It is really great and Paige got a lot of air time.

Everyone is getting settled with our new school schedules. Kevin seems to be liking his classes. His English teacher is the same as he had when he was a Freshman and he is really happy because he really likes her.
Paige and Scott met with her coordinating teacher, Mr. Briner, and we have 2 weeks worth of lessons before we meet with him again. We are still struggling with scheduling "school time" at home. It will work out soon.
Paige has decided that she is ready to go back to dance and has chosen 3 classes. She will be doing jazz, ballet, and hula. She is very excited to get going. This will count as PE time for her school.
We finished our first round of IL12. It went smoothly. They did let us out for the weekend, but we ended up with a fever and back in the hospital for the second week. We start our second round next week and we will try to do it out patient. Hopefully we can continue to do it this way and not get any fevers. Any fever will put us back in the hospital for the rest of the treatment.
Our latest round of scans showed mostly stable disease. She still has the spot on her leg and groin. There were 3 new(?) spots in her abdomen that look like they could be Neuroblastoma, but they aren't really sure yet because it only showed up on one scan and not the other. Next month we will scan again and see what it shows then. We pray for good news.

Monday, September 6, 2004 8:08 PM CDT

Well, we finished our first round of IL12. It went really very well. Paige. Got a fever between the first two rounds and we didn't get to do the second week out patient, but it was ok. When we were released on Friday we drove down to Anaheim and spent the weekend at Disneyland. It was really fun. We met the Wrights and had a great weekend. We spent our time between Disneyland, California Adventure, and the pool.
We are home now and getting ready for the new school year. Kevin starts tomorrow and Paige on Wed. My class started last Thursday. It will be nice for the old familiar routine to be established again. Pagie has scans again this week and then a week off before the next round of IL12. We are not really sure if she will do it out patient or in patient. I guess we will find out.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004 12:33 AM CDT

We have been in the hospital since Monday with this new trial of IL12. The infusions are on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. They only last about 15 minutes, but they keep her monitored until noon. After that she has free run of the hospital. Needless to say, we are all bored!!! We are glad to be bored because it means that she is having no reactions to the IL12. I am just fine with that. We will be here at CHLA until Friday and then come back on Sunday night to do it again for another week.

Kevin made it to Canada just fine and is having a wonderful time with his cousin Sean. They went to a church dance the first night that he arrived. They plan to visit his other cousins in Lethbridge and go hiking in Baniff. It sounds like he will have a fun vacation. He will be coming home on the 31st.

I start back to work next Monday. I can't believe that the summer is over. It has gone by so fast. It will be interesting to see what my class is like this year. I hope that we have a good one. Scott has to register for the new semester at PCC on Monday too. I don't have any idea what classes he will have. He's hoping to get an anotomy class. That sounds hard to me.

That's about all for now. I will update more on the weekend when we get home.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004 10:38 AM CDT

Well, we have good news and bad news.
The good news is that the radiation made the spot on her leg get smaller.
The bad news is that they found a new spot in her groin area. It is probably in a lymph node.
We have had all of the tests for her new treatment except a chest .-ray that we will have today. She will be admitted on Sunday afternoon and they will begin the IL 12 sometime on Monday. She will be in until Friday and then, hopefully, they will let us out for the weekend and then we get to start again. She will get 2 weeks off and then the next round will be done in clinic. We will go in 3 times a week. We shouldn't have to be there too long so it won't be so bad.
On to more fun items---
We had a great time at Sea World. The weather was great and we did everything that we wanted to do. We even got to eat dinner with Shamu.
Paige had her second riding lesson on Cheif and she learned how to trot and post. She just loves working with Jerry and the horses. Soon she will stop asking for a dog and start asking for a horse. Oh help!
Kevin leaves on Saturday to go to Canada and spend 10 days with his cousins. I think that he is excited. It's hard to tell with him sometimes. Today is his registration for school. I can't believe that he is a Junior.
Well, that's about it. I am going to add some new pics so check it out. Be sure and sign the guest book. Paige loves to see who has been visiting.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004 9:10 PM CDT

We had a very fun day today. We went to Disneyland and California Adventure. Paige took her friend Mac. It was his first time on the Tower of Terror. She was very excited to share her favorite ride with him. After Disneyland we went to Downtown Disney and to the Build a Bear store. They each choose a new outfit for thier bears.
We found out today that Paige has to wait 30 past radiation to begin her IL12 trial. That means that she will begin on August 23. So she has a week delay. It was perfect the origional way, but we will make it work. I start back to work on Aug 30 which is when she starts her second week in the hospital. Scott also had to register for classes that day.
Kevin is going to go to Canada from Aug. 21-31 to stay with his cousins. That should be alot more fun for him than being at the hospital with us.
Tomorrow we will spend the day at the hospital. Paige has a bone marrow, a CT scan, a Dr. appt, and a MIBG injection. It is an all day event!

Thursday, August 5, 2004 11:14 PM CDT

Well, all of our kids are home from camp! Yea! I sure miss them when they are gone. It is so good for them to go. They both love it so much and really look forward to going all year. I know that they don't miss us half as much as we miss them.

We met with Dr. Seeger to discuss our next course of treatment. There are 2 trials open for Paige. The one we decided to go with is IL12. It works with the immune system. It requires that she be in the hospital for the first round of treatment to check for any reactions. The infusion its self is pushed in 5-15 seconds three times a day. They said that we would be in the hospital M-F and then be able to go home for the weekend and then come back M-F. After that there is 2 weeks between treatments. The rest of the treatments will be done in the clinic. Hopefully, we can talk them in to letting a nurse come to our home to get it done or that we can do it ourselves.

Next week we will do our series of tests and then we are going to San Diego for the weekend. We may start treatment the following Monday. I guess we will find out for sure next week.

I wish that we didn't have to do any treatment, but I do feel better knowing that something is being done. It is much easier for me when we are actively fighting this disease. I will let everyone know when we will be in the hospital. I know that Paige would appreciate anyone coming by to visit. She gets so bored when she is an inpatient. Especially when she will only be hooked up for at most an hour on Mon, Wed, and FrI.

Monday, August 2, 2004 10:54 AM CDT

Paige is home from camp!!!!! She had a great time, as always. We really missed her, but she didn't miss us as much. She loves going to camp so much. I think that she's glad to be home. She said that it was nice to sleep in her own bed.
We go on Wednesday to see Dr. Seeger and talk about the protocals that are open for her. We need to choose one for her to start. The following week she will do another complete round of tests. It will be good to see if the radiation worked, but it's a pain since we just did all the same tests about 3 weeks ago. She will need to have a CT, MRI, MIBG, and a BMA. She is such a trouper. She never complains and just does what ever the doctors tell her to do. I am really so proud of her. She is my hero. I wish I was as strong as she is. She really is an inspiration to all those around her.

Monday, July 26, 2004 1:51 AM CDT

Scott and I are back from the Neuroblastoma Conference in Chicago. We had a wonderful time. It was wonderful spending time with so many people who truly understand our life because they live it too. We met some super new friends. We learned a lot also. A very productive time.
Paige left for Camp Dreamstreet today. I know that she is already having a great time. She and Kevin had a lot of fun staying home with Catherine. I think that Kevin was sorry to see us come home. He leaves for Ronald McDonald Camp at the end of this week.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004 11:26 PM CDT

Well, we are off to the Neuroblastoma Conference tomorrow. We will be home on Sunday. Scott and I are going by ourselves because the kids are in a performance of Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat at our church. We saw the dress rehersal tonight. They did a great job. Kevin did really well with all the dancing that he had to do. Paige was in the childrens chorus. Catherine will be staying with them while we are gone. Paige leaves for Camp Dreamstreet on Sunday morning. She can hardly wait. Griffin is coming back from Texas to go to camp. She has make so many friends there. Her radiation will be finished on Friday. It has been very uneventful. I am thankful for that. She also was measured for a "button" for her G-tube. It should come in about 2-3 weeks. She will be happy to have no more clamp and tube hanging out of her shirt.

Thursday, July 15, 2004 9:30 PM CDT

Paige had a wonderful time at camp. She was happy because some of her friends were there. Her favorite things to do were swimming, the dances, and horseback riding. When she got home we had to go to the hospital for a round of tests. We found out that the spot that was in her leg has gotten bigger. What a disappointment. The good news for Paige is that she doesn't have to do the Fenretinide anymore, but now we have to find something else. She is doing radiation on her leg for the next week and then she goes to camp Dreamstreet. When she comes home they will test again and then Dr. Seeger will come up with a new treatment. We feel lucky that there are always new trials coming up and that Dr. Seeger is "Mr. Neuroblastoma." As disappointing as this is, we have hope that something can help. Even if only for a while.

Tuesday, July 6, 2004 0:35 AM CDT

We have been really busy lately. We had to say good-bye to the Yarbroughs. They moved to Texas. We wish them all good luck in their new house. I know they will enjoy the backyard and make really good friends.
We had a very nice 4th of July BBQ at home with Clarke and Heidi. We found a great place to see the fireworks at the high school.
Tomorrow Paige leaves for Camp Ronald McDonald. She will be gone a week. She is so excited. In fact, she was packed this morning before we woke up. She really loves camp and loves to be with her friends and the counselors. She especially love horseback riding and swimming.
While she is gone we are putting in hard wood floors in the living room, dining room, hall , and den. It should only take a couple of days, but it will be very messy. It's a good thing that she will be gone because she really shouldn't be around all the dust.

Thursday, June 24, 2004 8:01 PM CDT

Just a quick update today. We went to see a dermatologist about the "spots" on Paige's arms and legs. After 2 years we have an explaination that makes sense. Finally!! The doctor thinks that it could be that she has an infection in her hair folicles. This makes sense because they went away only when she was on chemo and all her hair fell out. We now have an antibiotic to put on the spots. Hopefully they will go away. Yea!!!
We went to see the premier of Spiderman 2 with Monique and Griffin Yarbrough last Tuesday. What a great movie!! After the movie we went to the party. It was on the Santa Monica pier. We had a great time. The kids were excited because we didn't get home until 1:30am. That is the latest Paige has ever stayed up. I wish that I had taken pictures, but there really wasn't anything to take pictures of. It was a really great day.
Tomorrow we have to go to the hospital to pick up Paige's Fenretinide. She starts course 11. We are going to go early because we want to see the Yarbroughs and say good bye. We are really going to miss them when they are in Texas. We know that this is a great move for them, but it is sad to see "Team Neuroblastoma" getting smaller.

Thursday, June 17, 2004 9:04 PM CDT

Today was one of the greatest days Paige has had for a while. What a great way to start off the summer. We went to Pasadena with 3 other girls and their moms. They were going to meet Jennifer Lopez!!! We started out in a parking lot to do a little pre-Jen interview with Giselle Fernandez. We then went to the "base camp" for the film Montser in Law where the girls were met by J-Lo who wisked the girls off to her trailer and gave them a bag of surprises. She got down on the floor with them and went through their goodie bags. Just like a slumber party the girls giggled and then went to craft service to eat "whatever they are not allowed to eat." Most of the girls came out with ice cream bars. Paige got a Diet Pepsi. Then we all walked down to where they were filming the movie. Each girl was given a small directors chair (with their name on it ) signed by the entire cast. The director told the girls all about his job and made them all honorary directors for the afternoon. They got to say "Action" and "Cut." They even gave Jennifer notes on her performance.
After a delicious lunch we went back to the base camp to pick up the loot. There was a final interview with Jennifer and the girls followed by lots of hugs goodbye. The entire day was filmed and photographed for a gala event to raise money for the hospital. I can't wait to see the pictures. Paige was exhausted by the end of the day, but so excited about her new friend. She is looking forward to seeing her again at the hospital. We will see.
This is just one of the blessing we have recieved while dealing with this terrible disease. I would give it all up to have Paige well, but , if she is going to be sick, she might as well enjoy the perks.

Monday, June 14, 2004 9:49 PM CDT

Today is the first day of my summer vacation. Yea!!! Paige's last day of school is Tuesday and Kevin's is Thursday. Summer is officially underway.
We went to the Celebrate Life picnic on Saturday. It is so much fun to see our friends from the hospital. We saw so many friends that we usually don't see. It is wonderful to see all the kids growing up. Paige saw her friend Corey. She and Kevin also got a turn in the dunk tank. (I will post pictures as soon as I finish the roll.) Kevin had fun in the tank, but Paige hated it. She forgot to close her mouth and swallowed some water.
We are still waiting on the scheduling for the MRI, but hopefully it will be soon and we can have this worry put to rest. Her disease eval will be after she comes home from camp next month.

Wednesday, June 9, 2004 10:47 AM CDT

Well, the final report of our last MIBG is in and we are once again on the rollercoaster. There is not an agreement about whether or not the spot on her leg has grown. It does seem to be bigger, but only by a very small bit. It still could be due to Paige having a growth spurt and it still could be a gangloneuroblastoma. Anyway, there is enough disagreement that they want to do a MRI of her leg. There also may be a new spot on her head. It could just be a shadow because it is very small and only seen in one view. She is due for disease eval in a month, so they will wait and see if anything shows up then. So, once again we are on the up hill part of the coaster waiting for the drop. We remain optomistic and have faith in our doctor. He is wonderful and adores Paige. Paige on the other hand has gained all the weight back that she lost. She is still on a feeding tube, but lately her appetite has been a lot better. She is almost eating full meals. She was visiting with the Meraz family and found a new food that she loves--carne asada!! I guess that we will be eating that more often now. We are looking forward to going to Cancer Survivors Day on Saturday. It is always fun to visit with our friends. Paige has volunteered to help with the dunk tank and has actually agreed to be dunked. That should be fun.

Friday, June 4, 2004 10:23 AM CDT

We have very good news!! The spot on Paige's leg has not changed really. They think that it is longer because she is finally growing!!!!!! We couldn't ask for anything better than that.
Tonight "Team Neuroblastoma" will be at Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate Griffin and Blakes birthdays. Paige is really looking forward to that . We haven't been there in a very long time.

Sunday, May 30, 2004 11:47 AM CDT

Yesterday was "Team Neuroblastoma" day. We spent the day with Dr. Anderson, the Yarbroughs, and the Olsens. We had a great day together. We went to the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach. It was the first time we had been there. The exhibits were great. We got to pet a Sting Ray. Dr. Anderson spent a lot of time with the Puffins. After the aquarium we went to the Olsens for lunch. We all had a great time. It is so wonderful to have such a great support group of friends. We are really going to miss the Yarbroughs when they move to Texas. Back to reality...
Paige has a MIBG scan on Thursday to check the size of the spot on her leg. If there is no change she will continue on the Fenretinide. If not, well then we shall see. I pray that it is the same.

Sunday, May 23, 2004 10:53 AM CDT

On Wednesday Scott took Paige to Disneyland and caught up with Griffin, Matthew, and their families. They had a great time. We were in Santa Barbara on Saturday to have lunch with Denise. She lost her daughter Jessi to Neuroblastoma. Jessi was a friend of Paiges. What a great time we all had together. We feel so blessed to have made so many wonderful friends through this horrible disease.

Monday, May 17, 2004 7:26 PM CDT

We got home from Washington DC yesterday. What a wonderful trip!!!! Paige did an awesome job speaking at the Children's Hospice International Conference. She spoke about what it's like to be a kid with cancer. There was another boy speaking with her. Nick Snow is a 14 yr old boy with Neuroblastoma. (Visit his website caringbridge.org/ca/nicksnow)
We were also able to attend a breakfast with Diane Feinstein and have a meeting with Barbara Boxer. The following day we had a private tour of the White House followed by a meeting with Mrs. Bush and the First Dog, Barney. We were even allowed to watch the President board the helicopter and fly off to St. Luis. It was wonderful that these 3 powerful women took time out to meet with these children. I was impressed by Paige and by the young lady she is becoming. She was able to hold her own in conversation with anyone.
The day before we left we drove to New York City. Paige had a trip to the American girl Store where she was able to choose whatever she wanted. This was followed by a horse drawn carriage ride around Central Park.
By the time we got home we were all extremely exhausted. The constant walking along with the heat and humidity did us in.

Monday, May 10, 2004 10:30 PM CDT

We had a great Mother's Day yesterday. We had a very nice brunch at the Castaways restaurant. It is beautiful and overlooks Los Angeles. My favorite gift was a 12 pack of Diet Lime Coke. Paige and I are getting ready to go to Washington DC on Wednesday morning. Paige will be speaking to Childrens Hospice International. We will also be meeting with Senators Feinstein and Boxer. We are having a special tour of the White House. Paige is excited to meet the first dog, Scotty. I will update when we get back.

Friday, May 7, 2004 1:10 AM CDT

Today has been a very long day. We had to be at the hospital for the MRI at 6:15am. The MRI went well and there is no new bad news!! The liver really didn't show anything significant and the leg is basically still the same. I never thought that I would be happy to see tumor, but I will take no worse any day. I spent the rest of the day with Dr. Anderson working on the talk and power point presentation that Paige and I will give in Washington DC. We can hardly wait to go. Paige is counting the days and has already started to pack.
More later.
Suzanne

Wednesday, May 5, 2004 9:49 PM CDT

We had an appointment with Dr. Seeger today. He referred us to a dermotologist to look at the "bites" on Paiges arms and legs. We really have no clue what they are. Let's hope this new doctor can figure it out.
We got the results of her latest disease eval-- her bone marrow and CT scan are totally negative. All of the spots that were on the MIBG are gone except the one on her leg. It has changed a little. It has gotten longer and thinner, thus the MRI tomorrow. He said not to worry, yet. That is a lot easier said than done. There has not been a day that has gone by in the past 6 years that I have not worried about Paige.

Tuesday, May 4, 2004 10:01 PM CDT

Paige and I are getting ready to make the trip to Washington DC to speak to Childrens Hospice International. We are leaving next Wednesday and will be there for 5 days. We plan to make a little trip out of it and drive to New York City for the day on Saturday. Paige is looking forward to going to the American Girl Store.
We are spending tomorrow and Thursday at the hospital. We see our favorite Dr. Seeger tomorrow and have a MRI on Thursday. There is something that came up on her liver and the spot on her leg hasn't changed and they want to see if they can figure out what's going on. I just went to the NANT website and saw a cute, familiar face. I will add the web address to my site. Check it out.
Suzanne

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 8:12 PM CDT

We just got back from a day at California Adventure. We had a great time. We went to a special preview day for the new ride The Hollywood Tower of Terror Hotel. It was great. Paige was the most excited to go on the ride and then got scared as we got there. She cried throughout the entire ride, which made Scott and I crack up. Once it was over, she decided that she really liked the ride and can't wait to go back again.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004 10:20 PM CDT

We got the results of Paige's recent disease eval. The good news is that bone marrow and CT are clean. On the other hand, her MIBG shows no change in the spots. This is good because even though it's not better, it's not worse. So I guess we will be happy with status quo. Dr. Seeger did see some spots on her liver that weren't there before. He wants to do an MRI. He says not to worry, but that is easier said than done. I keep remembering Paige's friend Jessi who was on fenretinide and had problems with her liver. Sometimes it's harder than others to be optomistic. They entertained the idea of doing radiation on her leg (because the spot has not changed and it is the largest area), but that can't be done while she is on fenretinide. So no radiation for now. So, now we just wait for the hospital to call and set up the appointment for the MRI. Paige is ever the trouper. She doesn't care about the test as long as they don't make her go to sleep. I guess we take our que from her and remain unbothered by it all. Life goes on and she is "healthy" now. What more can we ask for?

Saturday, April 17, 2004 9:06 PM CDT

I finally decided to be brave and create a website for Paige. I wish that I would have known about this when she was first diagnosed, but better late than never. I hope to update this frequently and add more to it. We have a busy schedule ahead for our little "star". She is going to be doing a lot to advocate for childhood cancer and pallitave care.

Click here to go back to the main page.

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