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Thursday, February 14, 2013 7:10 PM CST

Today at 4:23 today my beautiful and best friend walked into the gates of glory and was received by her loving savior Jesus Christ.
Services will be held next Saturday at Spring Hills church. Details to follow.

Well done good and faithful servant.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013 9:25 PM CST

The finish line is in sight.

Teddy Roosevelt wrote;
"She was beautiful in face and form, and lovelier still in spirit; As a flower she grew, and as a fair young flower she died. Her life had been always in the sunshine; there had never come to her a single sorrow; and none ever knew her who did not love and revere her for the bright, sunny temper and her saintly unselfishness. Fair, pure, and joyous as a maiden; loving, tender, and happy. As a young wife; when she had just become a mother, when her life seemed to be just begun, and when the years seemed so bright before her—then, by a strange and terrible fate, death came to her. And when my heart’s dearest died, the light went from my life forever. "

These were the words written in his diary upon losing his first wife to complications from child birth. I found these words a brilliant description of Kate, "Beautiful in face and form, and lovelier still in spirit." I believe many of the words paint a beautiful and accurate description of my wonderful wife.

So where are we today.

As my title says, "The finish line is in sight." Last week we took delivery of the hospital bed and set it up in our room, a little cramped but convenient non the less. The tumor progression is at critical mass and the changes are happening daily. Kate is sleeping 20-22 hours a day. In a odd way it is a very beautiful and peaceful sight. I have Windham Hill playing on Pandora (music) and may have a candle going to make our room smell nice. It was so relaxing and peaceful that I just stayed in our room and enjoy the time. I would have enjoyed a glass of wine to complete the moment, but it was only 9:30 am. The kids are doing well as we have had several discussions and heartfelt talks as we walk this journey together. I want you to know that we are in a good place. The kids continue to amaze me and I could not be more proud of their maturity as we care for Kate. I was sharing with friends today how well Kate is cared for at this time. She is always clean with fresh linen on her bed. I do some of this out of fear. I know that Kate and I will be together again someday when my time comes to head to heaven and when I arrive I don't want to catch hell when I get there. (Can you catch hell in heaven??) So the music will be soft and sweet and the bed clean and warm.

In the final line of Roosevelt's diary he says, "the light went from my life." This line could not be further from thoughts. I know that I will have my moments, but my heart is full. We have packed in more as a family in our 9 years since diagnoses, than most families do in a lifetime. She has made me a better Father, Husband, and Man. And that light will never go out.

Thanks for checking in.

Brian

Monday, January 28, 2013 11:27 PM CST

Take your own advise stupid.

Last week was not the best week for me personally. It was a struggle as I watched this dam tumor take away more and more of my wonderful wife. When we were given this diagnoses almost 9 years ago we knew these days would come. Many of you know that this last year has been challenging as we worked with rehabs to help overcome the effects of the stroke which was caused by the meningitis, which was caused by the third brain surgery. In all of those struggles of the unknown in this past year I knew I could not change my circumstances, just my reaction and attitude in those circumstances. I wish I could tell how well I did in my choices, but that would be a lie. I did my best and did triumph in many cases to be on the better side of it all. Other times I failed miserably. Plans I had last week were interrupted by folks who were sick with the cold or flu. The things I "wanted" did not happen in "my" time. Don't you people know that this world revolves around me? So came the reality check and looking in the mirror. It was time for me to refocus and change my reaction and attitude. I am very glad I did.

So where are today?

Unfortunately we have seen very clear signs that the tumor is progressing. With this type of tumor the cancer grows exponentially. Two cells- four, four -eight, eight-sixteen, sixteen-thirty two etc... This is one of the reason why this type of cancer is so deadly. The tumor will reach a point that Dr Prados calls "critical mass" and I believe we are at that point. With Kate's tumor location (left frontal lobe) it will allow us some more time. The frontal lobe is a relatively quiet part of the brain so the tumor growth may happen without outward signs of progression. As Kate has lost use of her right side it tells us that the tumor is starting to press towards the back part of the brain where the motor skills are located. We have also seen signs with her swallowing and confusion in the swallowing routine. I have told you about the sleeping before and her sleep pattern has really increased. If you think of the amount of energy it takes to keep that brain working it is exhausting. She goes to bed around 7 or 8pm and may get up around 11 or 12 the following day. Today she was sleeping for most of the afternoon. So again the time she awake cognitive I shower her with love and praise. I tell her how proud I am of her and how she has made me a better man.

This last Saturday was "pay-off" day. Tom McCartney (Kate's brother) flew in from Chicago to buy me a steak dinner (49er's beat the Bear's in Solider Field) and Mo Pantos sent out live Maine Lobster (49er's over the Patriots in Foxbrough) Steak and Lobster thanks to the 49er's. Let's hope they keep it rolling for the Super bowl. Go 9er's.

Finally, as many of you know I like music and how it can help in troubled times. A Christian artist "Laura Story" has a song called "Blessings" which has been a real blessing to me. Many of my blessing have come thru the rain drops and my healing thru tears. Please cut and paste the link below to watch it on YouTube. I would encourage you take the time listen and may you find comfort in the words as I have.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mmgV6mPvb0

Thanks for checking in.
Brian

Thursday, January 3, 2013 0:22 AM CST

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, ……

Charles Dickens begins his book Tale of Two Cities with this line. I do feel as though I am living this quote as the sun comes up every morning. The contrast within this quote and my life makes me appreciate each day. Many mornings the bright sun comes streaming through our bedroom windows, other mornings the sun is blocked by the overcast of clouds or some fog resting in the morning valleys. Just because the sun does not come bursting through our window does not mean it is not there. I tell myself frequently that just because I do not see the sun does not mean it is not there. So it is with God as we walk this journey.

So where are we today? I want to let you know we had a wonderful holiday. We spent a couple of nights in front of our huge tree admiring the lights and smell of our noble fir. Christmas was nice as we watched the kids open there gifts. We celebrated our wedding anniversary on the 30th with little fanfare. New Years was the usual as we heard the neighborhood set off fireworks and scream in jubilation. I leaned over and kissed Kate on the cheek then rolled back over to go back to sleep. Happy New Year.

Kate is doing well all things considered. Although I continue to see tumor progression as Kate struggles with an increase with right side neglect. She has lost the use of her right hand and struggles as she shuffles her right foot as she walks. We did get a wheel chair that allows us to walk as far as we can before I push her. I won’t allow her to push me as I am sure I would end up in Santa Rosa Creek. Her sleeping has increased at night, although she is not napping consistently during the days. Most days we spend time checking out cool magazines finding out who is pregnant with whose baby and catching up on what family the Property Brothers are helping. I will tell you that when Kate is cognitively aware I try to make the most it by showering her with praise and love which she so richly deserves. We have always talked about the legacy that we will leave when we are gone. I remind Kate of her legacy and the power her life has been to so many. Her ability to manage our house, kids, me and her own brain cancer these past eight years while supporting others through their cancer is incredible. Although Kate’s stroke has limited her verbal communication she is still able to share her love. So our life is full of contrast now as we know this is the best of time, it is the worst of time. We are in the season of light and the season of darkness. As we walk this conflicting journey we will value our time and our love for one another and that God is still there.
Thanks for checking in.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012 10:04 PM CST

We will ALWAYS celebrate…

Because of the recent rain storms that have rolled through Northern California I have not put up our Christmas lights or schlepped out to get a tree. It looks like it will have to wait till next weekend. I must confess that I am not looking forward to this Christmas season as it will be filled with too many bitter sweet moments.

So where are we today in our journey as a family?

In the process of a brain tumor (GBM) patient we will see a change in Kate’s cognitive state on a week, every other week basis. That will change to week to week and then day to day as the tumor progresses. I believe that we have moved into that week to week range. Kate and I continue to take our walks, although the walks are shorter and slower and her speech is very limited. I have also noticed a decrease in appetite which is normal and a natural part of the process. Kate and I continue share moments together when her cognitive ability is sharp and that has given me courage. We talk about the gift of heaven and joy that will be there when she arrives. I have shared with her that I have this vision that when she arrives and our God tells her, “Come in, Come in. Well done good and faithful servant.” There will be a line of people to welcome her. Her Dad will be at the front of the line followed by so many others. Jackie, Heather, Jim, Cathy, Tim, Rob just to name a few of the many in line. At some point as she comes down the line she will say, “Who the hell are you?” I am not sure if you can say Hell in Heaven? We share a laugh and a few tears over that vision. I don’t think I will ever realize the impact that Kate has had on so many till I join her in Heaven. I am so proud of the work she has done and the battle that she has fought. We are not done yet and that is why we celebrate.

As the Christmas season is upon us, our family will do what we always do. Buy a tree that is too big and swear at the lights that don’t work. We will make Carmel corn as we decorate the tree, make hot chocolate as the kids squirt whip cream in to their mouths. I will tell the kids to spread out the ornaments so it looks balanced and be careful because that “one” is fragile. It will be messy and it will be great.
This year we will celebrate the Christ of Christmas. I hope that you and your family will also do the same.

Thanks for Checking In.
Brian

Wednesday, November 7, 2012 1:30 AM CST

Speechless…

I think I can count on one hand the times I have been speechless in my life.

Today was one of those days. I received a phone call this afternoon from the Shire Group (a large Pharmaceutical company) letting me know that I was one of the recipients for their caregiver award. I am very humbled to receive such an honor. I have said it before and I will say it again. This is what I signed up for when I married Kate. Those words meant something when I said “For Better or Worse., in Sickness and in Health.” I was hoping for a little more on that richer part…. JUST KIDDING!! I want to say that caring for Kate is as easy as breathing for me. I do not have to think about or struggle with it. It is that extension of God’s grace I shared a couple of posts back.
I want to thank Tami Duncan for nominating me. Also KJ Schmel, Jean McCartney, Patti Ortiz, for their warm words of recommendations to the panel.

I am sure that many of you are wondering what is happening in our house now that we have made our decision to have life move us forward. I am very happy to share with you that things are GOOD! We have shed tears and had moments of sadness, but we have also had laughter and fun as we always do. A good friend shared a great analogy with me about brain tumor folks as they approach the end. It will be like someone walking through the house and turning off the lights. One day we will see the lights have been turned off in that room and a couple of days later the lights will be off in that room. Until eventually all the lights in the house have been turned off. Some of you are wondering if you might have a brain tumor because not all of your lights are on. I wonder too.
I want you to know that in Kate’s case she will not feel any pain as the tumor progresses. The tumor will cut off the pain receptors in her brain. Our wonderful Dr Prados put it like this. “Kate, you will sleep more and more. Your nights will go from eight hours to ten and then twelve. You will nap in the afternoon and that nap will turn into two naps. You will just go to sleep until one day you wake up and you will be in heaven.” I love Dr Prados. It takes a lot of energy (brain activity) to keep our body going and Kate’s brain will not have the energy to keep going and that is why she will sleep more and more. We are not at that point today, although many days I want a nap. I will let know as we move down that path in this journey. The kids continue to amaze me with their maturity and compassion for their Mom. They have accepted this journey and walk tall down a difficult road. I am very proud of them both.
We are grateful. We will chat again soon.
Thanks for checking in,
Brian

Tuesday, October 23, 2012 4:17 PM CDT

Here is to Lying, Cheating, and Stealing.

These were the words to an Irish Blessing given by our good friend Brian Bell at our wedding. After some awkward silence, I was very glad that he went on to explain what those words meant.

May you lie in each other’s arms in comfort and love.
May you cheat the clock and have a long life together.
May you continue to steal each other’s hearts in the years to come.

I share this with you today because our family, our marriage, our life has been lying, cheating and stealing. When Kate was first diagnosed over eight years ago we never took for granted lying in each other arms. We have cheated that clock of life for an additional six years longer than we were entitled and we continue to steal each other’s heart.

Our most recent scan did not give us the news we were hoping to hear. Kate’s tumor is once again growing and on the move. We spent a long time with Dr. Prados as we discussed our options. We really only have two at this point. First would be a drug called CCNU. CCNU would not reverse the tumor or even kill it off, what it would do is “hold” the tumor as it is now and the probability of that working would be 20 to 30 percent. The second option would be to allow the natural progression of life to move forward. We did sit down together last night as a family to discuss our options and course of action. This was not an easy conversation. Many tears were shed with the questions asked and answered as the four of us walked through our options. At this point in time we have decided to allow the natural progression of life to move us forward.

This was a challenging decision for us as a family, but our faith and knowledge in our faith gives us that hope and knowledge that we will be together again soon. You need to understand that we have been given six additional years together. Most people with a GBM do not make it past two years and we sit at eight now. We can pray for a miracle, but I would tell you to open your eyes and see the miracle in front of you and we will never give up Hope.

Before the kids left for school we read this verse that I saw on one of Kate’s college friends Facebook. This gave us courage today and may it do the same for you.

For I am The Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13

Brian

Tuesday, October 9, 2012 11:48 PM CDT

It starts with a foundation.
A friend of ours recently nominated me for a caregiver awards giving by the “Shire” group. I was deeply honored to considered, even more honored to become a finalist. I was told that the award will be given in late October, so I will keep you posted. I do have a 50/50 chance. I like those odds ;-)

Being consider for this award started me to thinking about why I enjoy caring for Kate and what it means to me and the kids. I have shared with you before that I have never thought it a chore or burden to care for Kate. She has been and continues to be(my champion) and a champion for so many in the brain tumor world that I will support that endeavor forever. Being a caregiver sometimes requires you to take care of GROSS stuff or icky things that are not fun. (Let it stop there. Imagination is not always your friend.)

When I was a very young lad I had a unique and special relationship with my Granddad. OK, everyone in the family already knows, I am sure you already do too that I was his favorite Grandchild. As a grandchild I enjoyed the perks of hanging with my Granddad, trips to the Pink Pastry for day old donuts, sitting next to him at family dinners, maybe even an extra coffee nip candy on those special days. He was crippled by arthritis and needed a crutch and cain to assist in his labored walking. I have so many fond memories, but there is one that I know molded my character. My Granddad called me over to his chair and processed to pull out his false teeth and ask me to put on some more adhesive. Yes, it was GROSS as a young boy to take these teeth full of guck and slim to the bathroom and put more powder on them so they could stay in place in his mouth. I put the teeth under some running water and watched as the water washed away breakfast and lunch. I worked the powder around those clean dentures and returned them to my Granddad. He promptly put them back in his mouth and gave me that million dollar grin. I realize now that the simple act of powder on the dentures was not an act of service, but an act of Love. I did that for my Granddad because I Loved him. The corner stone of that Love was laid by my parents as I watched them serve not out of duty, but Love. Is it easy for me to care for Kate?? Yes, because it is LOVE! Not duty or service, but LOVE.

When Kate and I were engaged we did some marriage counseling. The Pastor told us that we might have a tough time in our marriage because we were so much alike. I believe that our marriage is as strong as it is because we are so much alike. I was close to my Grandfather, Kate to her Grandpa Merle. Both of us with committed loving parents and strong sibling relationships, both of us with friendships that go back to grade school. The list goes on.

I would love to take credit for being a good caregiver, but I have to give credit where credit is due. Thanks Mom and Dad, Tom and Jean for the foundation set for us. The cornerstone which is LOVE.

In all honesty I hope I win the award. Not for me, but other to realize that it is Love that wins.
Have a great day and don’t forget to floss those dentures.
Brian

PS. We have a scan on the 22nd and would appreciate your prayers.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012 5:15 PM CDT

Too many details.
I am a guy, so I want the bottom line. I want it straight and to the point. Don’t sugar coat it or give me too many details. For those of you like me just go ahead and cut and paste the link below where you can watch a video that chronicles the life of brain tumor patients. We did this video with Professor of Documentary Studies and renowned Photographer Alex Harris from Duke University. It is a nice video and defiantly worth your time. For those that want the back story please continue to read.

Cut and Paste here.

http://www.thetimeofourlives.org

During one of our visits with Dr Prados he tossed out this idea that he had of chronicling the life of a brain tumor patient. Kate of course jumped at the chance and before we knew any details we were committed. As the project began to take shape it was decided that they would work with two patients and see how their lives changed as a result of this diagnoses of a brain tumor. Alex came out to our house with a sound person and just began to talk to Kate about her GBM and how it affected our family. Alex was with us for a couple of days and in true wine country style we went wine tasting on the second day. He returned about six months later to do some follow up when we went out to the Redwoods. Once the project was completed it was debuted at a conference put by Accelerated Brain Cancer Cure or ABC2. This is a group founded by the Case Foundation that does fantastic work bringing the groups together to find a cure for brain cancer. ABC2 was a major funding arm in this project. I have watched this video several times and I am encouraged each time I see it. Please feel free to share with friends and family in the hope that we can continue to provide HOPE.

Thanks for checking in.

God Bless You.
Brian

Wednesday, August 22, 2012 1:18 AM CDT

Not The way I wanted it.

Once again great news!! Clean Scan. Better than clean reduced resection area this means positive healing, less swelling. I want that to be the start, now let me tell you how we arrived at the news.

I have been concerned for Kate for the past few weeks as she has shown greater fatigue (a sign of possible tumor recurrence) We also had to say “See you later” to two great brain tumor friends in the past couple of weeks. These brain tumors are not friendly. That was in the back of my head. So we arrive at Monday (a day before our scan at UCSF) and it started out like any other day. Lunches were made, backpacks at the ready, kids headed off to school. Kate and I had our breakfast, headed upstairs to shower and ready for the day. Shortly after the shower Kate showed an increase in her right side neglect. (Another possible sign.) So much so that she scooted down the stairs on her bottom rather than walking down like normal. She seemed to be quiet and a bit withdrawn as she sat on the couch. This raised additional concerns in my mind. Patti (Kate’s caregiver) and talked for a bit and I headed off to work. Patti sent a text that Kate was sleeping on the couch and was quiet. About 11:30am Patti called and said that 911 were called and Kate had a seizure. I raced home to see the paramedics placing Kate in the ambulance as she had a second seizure. (Another sign of tumor progression) I provided information to the paramedic and followed them to the ER. Patti was amazing in that time of need and I am very grateful to her. When I arrived at the ER Kate had a third and final seizure. I spoke with the ER Doc and asked for an MRI with contrast because I knew that was part of tomorrows plan. (See sometimes I do plan ahead.) I called and cancelled our scan appointment with UCSF, but kept our appointment with Dr Prados. Kate was stabilized and moved to a regular room for the night. She of course was very tired and got plenty of rest. (The Dr who read Kate’s MRI said “looks like tumor progression.”) I am glad I did not have faith in him and waited to meet with Dr Prados for confirmation. I came home and talked with the kids and got some rest myself. I spent some time with Kate in the morning, and then headed to UCSF to meet Dr Prados. I shed a few tears as drove to the appointment thinking I was going to receive very bad news.
Dr. Prados looked at the scan and was pleased. VERY PLEASED. I shared earlier that Kate was receiving infusions of Avastin. Her third one was last Friday. Dr. Prados was happy to see that the Avastin had its desired effect. It was reducing the swelling and keeping the tumor at bay. He showed me the measurements of the area and shared how great it was to see that area become smaller. I sat there absolutely blown away. After Dr. Prados helped me get my jaw off the ground he went on to say how we just need to increase Kate anti-seizure meds. He called these “break through seizures.” That the medication will control.

Once again I had things all figured out, only to be shown that God has another plan. When will I learn that”He causes everything to work for the good.“

Once again I say those eight words uttered way to many time in this house. “I’m sorry, I was wrong, Please forgive me.” We will end there.

Thanks for checking in,
Brian

Friday, August 10, 2012 1:58 PM CDT

What is the PURPOSE!!!! AUGGGGHH

I have asked this question many times. Usually I ask this in a moment of self pity or anger when “I” want things to go a certain way. I struggle with this issue as I am sure many of you do. As Kate and I work on her recovery some days are really good and then other days I wonder where she is? Some days I lose perspective and other days jump for joy. I have told you it is a crazy ride.

One of the most powerful things I learned many years ago was to be an extension of God’s grace. Boy, do I fall short of that every day. I have learned through our families trials this past year that God will be the extension of His own grace through goofy folks like me. I want to share a quick story. Not long ago I brought Kate in for a little cut and color (haircut) by our wonderful friend Amber. It was a challenging morning for Kate and for me as we were getting ready to head out for her haircut. Kate was very quiet and frustrated with the morning routine as her mind did not want to allow clean pathways of thinking. I was frustrated and wanted to feel sorry for myself as I tried to have all our ducks in a row. Our hair salon shares a space with a fantastic nail salon. (No I have not received a Mani or Pedi there) Kate would get her toes done there by Nancy. Even Grandma Jean and Grandma CB say it is the best. I did not know that a friend was having her nails done that day. Our friend was not having a good day either as her husband struggled with advance stages of his brain tumor. (As I write this the husband is on hospice with limited time.) Our friend shared with me several days later how she watched us come in and say good bye to Nancy when we left. I held Kate’s hand as I always do to assist and guide, we said our good-byes and headed out the door. I did not realize that our simple act of saying good-bye provided that extension of God’s grace to our friend. She saw us continuing to fight our battle and keep things normal, which gave her courage and lifted her spirits. That was our purpose for that day. How many days have I missed that “purpose” because I have been looking or too self absorbed in my own pity party. This is what has sustained me as I struggle with some of the day to day task. No matter what is happening or how I “feel” God will use us for His purpose not ours. I am humbled to know that we have been used by God to encourage, support, and be that extension of His grace to others.
This has not been easy, but we will be that extension of God’s grace.

In our last post I asked for pray for the Oswald Family. Our friend Jackie recieved the ultimate healing from her brain cancer as she went home to be with our Lord. Jackie was a powerful advocate for the brain cancer world and she will be missed.

Thanks for checking in.
Brian

Tuesday, July 31, 2012 11:36 PM CDT

Give Thanks With a Grateful Heart.
What a great day! Before we get carried away, not every day is good. For every person that has a stroke there is a different recovery. Our recovery (yes OUR) has been unique and challenging. Unique in the fact that both sides of Kate brain was damaged. Therefore Kate does not have the other side of the brain to help compensate in recovery. This is the main reason for a slower recovery. I have said before that we do not do slow very well. We have learned and adapted to this change in lifestyle. Kate continues in three disciplines of therapy Physical, Occupational, and Speech. The first two are going along just fine, it appears that Kate’s condition may be more difficult than the skill set the therapists hold. Speech is completely different as Kate has met her match in Dr. Debra Swain. I actually knew Deb from Masters swimming. She has been working really hard and given us tons of homework to continue the therapy at home. This is beginning to pay off as we see progress in the neurons reconnecting in the brain. As we were getting ready for the day I ask Kate if she wanted Riley to brush her hair. Riley was nervous because the bone flap has not been replaced. As Riley brushed her hair in the back, Kate let out an “Ouch” as a prank on Riley. The three of us have not laughed like that in a long time. That my friend is great progress.

I have not been willing to venture too far with Kate as I have seen people be uncomfortable seeing her in her current state. Kate will always give a warm smile and pleasant greeting (the words may not be correct) but she will be happy to see you. I struggle with this because Kate is such a powerful person to so many. As we work to get back to that point I want people to always see and remember Kate as that powerful person. So yes, I am being selfish and protective of my beautiful wife. So I will ask for your patience as I protect her. She has given me so much I count it a privilege to serve her needs now. When I said for “Richer or poorer, Sickness and health”, I meant it.

I want to close this post by asking you to pray for a fellow brain cancer warrior. The beautiful Jackie Oswald. Jackie has been a great encourager to Kate and our family and has been an outstanding supporter of brain cancer research. Her family could use our prayers at this time.

Thanks for checking in.
Brian

Friday, July 20, 2012 0:22 AM CDT

What an incredible couple of weeks.
I just returned from Minneapolis (St. Paul) where Lifetouch held its annual sales meeting. Many bitter sweet moments which I will share in next couple of couple of paragraphs. This was preceded by great week in Central Oregon with a nice family vacation.

Central Oregon was filled with fun, old friends, and some relaxation. The kids played in the pools, rode their bikes, and floated the river. The boys fished in this area next to Sun River which was a private little stocked lake. Not realizing that it was private they got kicked off the property after they collected their string of fish. We had dinner one with some Lifetouch friends, the Lambs (Virgil and Jean) and Beattie Stabeck and her husband David. Beattie and David's home is lovely with the most spectacular view I have ever seen. When you walk in her home you immediately feel welcomed and warm and as you look out her panoramic windows you gaze onto “The Sisters” a very jagged and dramatic portion of the Cascades. As you walk on to the back deck you have a view from Mt. Bachelor to Mt. Jefferson with Mt. Hood in the distance. I could not take my eyes off of the view.
While in Oregon I was able to see my old friend Pat Cockrum and some members of his large family. Pat and I have been friends since second grade. What a joy to see him and talk about our old days and catch up on our respective families. When we were little we were very close and I would be at his house if we were not at mine. What a blessing to see Pat again. I appreciate the Troy Noland family for allowing us to use their home in Sun River. I am looking forward to going back to central Oregon soon.
I have been attending our Lifetouch Summer Sales meeting for 23 years. As you may know Kate and I met while we were in the companies training program. This is only the second time I have attended without Kate. The summer meeting was always our little get away as a couple. We would enjoy seeing old friends and share war stories about work and the stresses of the job. We would make new friends as our company continued to grow. As I look at my life I have a tremendous debt of gratitude toward Lifetouch. With out Lifetouch I would have not met Kate nor have two beautiful children as a result. We have some of our closest friends with the company, beautiful people who care about me and people who love Kate. I have shared with you before that if you share an act of kindness to me I truly appreciate it, but if you extend that kindness to my wife and kids it touches me deeply in my core. A sure way to make me cry is to extend that kindness to my wife or children. Now, so we are clear it does not take much to get me to cry. I cry at the movie Dumbo. Remember when Dumbo’s mother is locked up and she reaches out her trunk and cradles her baby while she sings to her precious child. You’re crying now….admit it. The bitter sweet portion of the meeting was not having Kate with me but so many people coming up to me and say that they are praying for us. I did shed a tear while talking with so many who care so deeply about Kate. I was overwhelmed by so many that reached out to touch that core within me as they express their love for Kate.
Our very dear friend Karen Schmel (KJ) was at the meeting for her official retirement. You may remember that KJ came up to our house and was a huge help in running the kids and business as I attended to Kate in the ICU’s and Rehab’s. They asked me to speak at her retirement party which was an honor and tremendous blessing. I wish that I was further along in the presentation before I broke down like I was watching the Dumbo movie. How do you thank a person who drops everything in her life to serve others who have a great need? Karen did that for our family and I will be forever grateful. I was thankful that I was able to let so many others of Karen’s huge heart and generous spirit.

While I was in Minnesota my Mother came to our house to fill in the gap. I know the kids appreciated her being there. It is not easy for me to be away from Kate, because I know she does rely on me to help her. It gave me piece of mind knowing that she is well cared for and protected.
I will post again soon with an update on our progress.
Till then thank you for continued prayers and support for my beautiful wife.
Brian

Tuesday, July 3, 2012 11:36 PM CDT

Good Scan=A Good Day.

Very happy to let you know that we had a good scan today. I must confess that I was worried about this one. Kate is doing well, but had begun to show signs of right side neglect and weakness. Turns out that the neglect culprit is swelling that reoccurs with brain injuries. After some discussion with Dr Prados we decided not to increase the steroid because of the side effects of long term use, but do an infusion of Avastin. The Avastin should work quickly and do the trick. As I have said before, this is a marathon.

We have gotten into a rhythm and flow around the house these past few weeks. We have a wonderful new friend in Patti Weiser. Patti has been hanging out with Kate while I put in some time at the office. Her caring gentle nature has won our family over and earned Kate’s respect. The kids are on the move constantly with baseball and friends. It is great to be a kid in summer. We are headed for a little R and R in a few days as we go to Oregon. We will be outside of Bend hanging in Sun River. I have not been up there for about 20 years. I am looking forward to seeing some friends and doing a whole lot of nothing. The kids are not excited about the drive. It will be an 8 hour drive, the kids are spoiled.

I hope that you will enjoy creating some memories over the summer. We will.

God Bless you for checking in.
Brian

Thursday, May 31, 2012 10:08 PM CDT

A Clean Scan!!!!
With the business of running to OT, PT, or Speech Therapies, I almost forgot about our appointment at UCSF. We had a 10:30 scan which got pushed back to Noon because of scanner issues, which made us late for our appointment with Dr. Prados. Fortunately for us Dr. Prados did not have any patients following us, so we were able to spend great quality time with him as we discussed “the new normal.” He was helpful and insightful as he graciously answered my many questions. The best news was that Kate does NOT have any recurrent tumor growth. No new cancer….HOORAY!!! We will have another scan in 6 weeks.
Just a quick note on Dr Prados. Here is a man who day in, day out deals with people who face the fact that a type of brain cancer will take their life. He handles each patient with dignity, compassion, and grace. I have seen him extended his hand to consol a women who was told her husband’s time was limited. I have seen him laugh and bring levity to a desperate situation. He is a remarkable man who I have tremendous respect for and I will always be grateful to our friend Dr Prados.
As we wrapped up our time with Dr Prados he did ask how I was doing dealing with the “new normal” and I was honest and told him that it was difficult. It said “It must be tough for you because you were both so connected cognitively and now you’re not.” That gave me a lot to think about. What came to mind was a text picture that Colin sent to Kate while she was in rehab. Written on a poster hanging on a fence.
It said,
Having a rough morning?
Place your hand over your heart.
Feel that? That's called purpose.
You're alive for a reason.
Don't give up!


We all have a purpose in this life. Some to lead, some serve, others to heal and some to consol. I know that our purpose is not complete. If Kate’s purpose was complete, she would not be here. So we will continue to work in therapy and struggle in communication. Fight with aphasia and curse at apraxia.
We have a purpose and WE WILL NOT GIVE UP. God Bless you for your continued support.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012 12:52 AM CDT

“This will be harder than beating Brain cancer”
That is a quote from me to Kate during one of our evening discussions. Kate is more cognitively aware in the later afternoons into the evenings and that seems to be the best time to get information from her. We have shared many tears over the past few weeks since she has been home, please allow me to share a few of those moments with you.
After Kate being home for close to two weeks we had developed a habit of taking a short evening walk around the neighborhood. One of our wonderful “Irish” cousins posted on Kate’s Facebook wall a “Welcome Home.” (Link is below) We had played the song when it was first posted. After coming back into the house I was overcome with joy and this song came into my head which I thought was a perfect response. I had told Kate that if you asked me during that time in ICU that we would be walking the neighborhood, I had my doubts. As the video played we were overcome with tears of joy and thanksgiving.
Cut and paste this link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLLMzr3PFgk

Our most recent and ongoing challenge is with Kate’s speech. This has been VERY challenging for her. Kate does say “yes” to just about everything. That has been great fun for me as I ask her questions about watching sports on TV or Jeopardy or when I should purchase the new 70 inch flat screen. Kate was always in full command of her language skills and thought process. This was the area of the brain damaged by the stroke and has been slow in reconnecting. The stroke accrued on both sides of the brain and consequently does not have one side or the other to help compensate in recovery as most strokes do. In a moment of focus and clarity I asked if she knew the words to say, but could not get her brain to form the words and have them come out of her mouth. My heart sank for her as she responds with a frustrating “yes.” Needless to say this caused both of us to cry. To have such control and to have lost it at this time is hard to understand and difficult to get past. It was during those tears that I shared with Kate that this will be harder to overcome than beating brain cancer. With the brain cancer we have treatments, medicines, protocols, clinical trials, and the list goes on. With a stroke it takes time and patience’s. This word continues to haunt our vocabulary as we have never used it in the past. I guess part of that “new normal” will be patience.

Finally I want to share how we wrapped up that moment. Part of our morning routine is to read a daily devotion book “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. There was a bible verse (2 Corinthians 5:7) which says “We live by faith, not by sight.” This model for our life was never as real as it was at that moment. By “faith” we believe that Kate will regain control of her speech and thought process. By “faith” we believe that today will be better than yesterday in the healing process. By faith we know that we will be “OK.” If we lived by sight we would be mired in depression because we could not see the end. We would be tangled in frustration by our own short sightedness. So we will walk by faith. Join us in that HOPE!!
Brian

Tuesday, May 8, 2012 0:12 AM CDT

So where is the Update??
I am sorry for the delay in posting. So much has happened that I have trouble putting it all together. Let’s start with the walk.
WOW!!! What a fantastic day. Kate was able to be there to say thanks to the many people that came out to support team Hope. She was able to see several of our fellow fighters against this stupid disease. Anytime you get to see a fellow fighter makes it a great day. Jackie O, Emily, Cheryl, Eric, Joe, Frank all had a chance to say Hi and encourage us in our battle. Kate was able to stay for about an hour before it became too much. With 2300 people, music and tons of team Hoper’s it is a lot to take in. We are paying a price today with being very tired. We could not have asked for a better day. Warm and sunny with little wind. We were able to achieve our fund raising goal thanks to so many people who were very generous. I am always touched those who give 20 as those who give more. Each gift will go a long way in supporting families that struggle in the brain cancer world. Thank you.

How about that first week home?
WOW!!! Absolutely tremendous progress. So many “automatics” have returned that Kate is doing very well in the home. We have even made a couple of trips to Trader Joe’s, which I thought would be a few weeks away. We have worked to establish a consistent routine that has helped in the healing process. The therapy continues, Occupational and Speech are going well, but still present a challenge in the retraining. Physical therapy has run out of things to do with Kate…Surprise, Surprise!! There is a dark side to Kate’s healing which is a double edged sword. As Kate becomes more cognitively aware and is healing, she is also aware of her challenge in her limited language skill at this point. I have told you before that “patience” is not a word in our vocabulary. I remind Kate that this is a short window and that God has a purpose in all of this. Now we have to work to see what that purpose will be and let others see God work. I do know that we have our work cut out for us. So let us not give up HOPE!!
Thanks for your continued prayers’ and support.
Brian

Thursday, April 26, 2012 10:31 PM CDT

Let’s turn the page….
A new chapter will start now as I bring Kate home Friday. So after 82 days she will finally come home.
29 days in ICU
4 days in a regular hospital room
49 days in two different “Acute Rehabs”
3 different craniotomies’
1 Spinal Tap
1 infection of bacterial meningitis lasting 22 days
1 Bilateral Stroke
Countless blood draws and to many sleepless nights of worry.
I am ready to turn the page.

It was a little sad today as we said bye to two of the therapist who will not be there tomorrow. Being at CPMC for 4 weeks we have grown attached to each other. I have appreciated their approach to Kate as looked to serve her whole person, not just one discipline of therapy. As I write this I must check the cookies that I will bring tomorrow as a thank you. I brought some two weeks ago and they were a big hit on the unit. The therapy team gave me a list of suggestion that will help us continue to help Kate as a family. I am waiting to hear from the outpatient therapy group that will start next week.
I have told you that I would be honest with you in our journey. There were times in these past 82 days that I did not think this day would come. I know that by the Grace of God, your prayers, and Kate determination this day has come.

Thanks be to God.

Thursday, April 26, 2012 10:32 PM CDT

Let’s turn the page….
A new chapter will start now as I bring Kate home Friday. So after 82 days she will finally come home.
29 days in ICU
4 days in a regular hospital room
49 days in two different “Acute Rehabs”
3 different craniotomies’
1 Spinal Tap
1 infection of bacterial meningitis lasting 22 days
1 Bilateral Stroke
Countless blood draws and to many sleepless nights of worry.
I am ready to turn the page.
It was a little sad today as we said bye to two of the therapist who will not be there tomorrow. Being at CPMC for 4 weeks we have grown attached to each other. I have appreciated their approach to Kate as looked to serve her whole person, not just one discipline of therapy. As I write this I must check the cookies that I will bring tomorrow as a thank you. I brought some two weeks ago and they were a big hit on the unit. The therapy team gave me a list of suggestion that will help us continue to help Kate as a family. I am waiting to hear from the outpatient therapy group that will start next week.
I have told you that I would be honest with you in our journey. There were times in these past 82 days that I did not think this day would come. I know that by the Grace of God, your prayers, and Kate determination this has come.
Thanks be to God.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012 11:30 PM CDT

How do you really say Thank You??

This has been a struggle for me since we started this journey eight years ago. So many people have extended thoughts, well wishes, food, laundry, gift cards, bridge tolls, rides, wine, yard work, money, and prayers. It is always appreciated when someone brings a delicious hot meal. That means leftovers for me tomorrow. Food will feed the stomach, but prayer will fill the soul. I have needed those more these past few months more than I need the food. Believe me; I can survive for quite some time on my reserves that I built up on years of Kate’s wonderful cooking. I have realized that these past few months that I cannot survive without your prayers.

I want you to know that I have watched for years as others extend their love and support to me and my family. I always appreciate when that love is extended to me, but it touches my core when I see that love extended to Kate and the kids. I will say thanks for helping me, but I will be moved to tears when you help my wonderful wife and beautiful children. You cannot reach deeper into my soul than touching my family. So many have so much that I could begin to start a list to say thanks.

I have said it before, but it bears repeating. This has been a challenging time but through it all I see God working. It is not always fun to be used by God to see His work done, but we know it is always right. In the midst of my darkest time in this journey I have seen God use it to let others see Him working. I want you to share that hope, trust, and faith to know that no matter what, God will use us to show others His grace and mercy.
I will NEVER be able to properly extend my appreciation to so many, so let me say THANK YOU!!

Brian

Wednesday, April 18, 2012 11:50 PM CDT

Where you are today will help you through tomorrow.

I was hoping to tell you that Kate would be home this Friday in this post. That was delayed today as some of Kate’s right side weakness has returned. After some conferencing with the therapist and the Dr we have increased her steroid medication that was helpful in reducing the swelling that caused her right side weakness to begin with. We believe that we reduced her dosage too quickly. In this world of the brain it is always a moving target.
It was a good day today. The kids played hookie from school today to hang out with Kate and gain a better understanding of our new normal in preparation of Kate’s homecoming. I am very proud of them as I watch them help Kate with any and every need. The four of us did go out to lunch with two of Kate’s therapist. The therapists were very helpful and encouraging as were out and about. It was helpful to kids to gain that knowledge and experience.

Life is about adjustments and this is one of them.

I will let you know what our new projected release date will be soon.

Brian

Wednesday, April 11, 2012 10:00 PM CDT

As Kate goes….. So go I.
I am so very happy to tell you about the tremendous progress Kate has made these past three weeks.
When I last left you, Kate was working through her physical, occupational, and speech therapies. I am sure it will not be a surprise to you that physical therapy is running out of things to do with Kate. Her balance is spot on and she is walking without any help as we race up and down the halls. Occupational is a little more challenging and her brain is getting rewired. A normal task does present a challenge as the “normal task” has many steps. Think about washing your hands, there may be 7-9 steps in that process. Kate is able to complete step one but has trouble moving onto step two. You and I take for granted that we know all the steps, but for Kate we must relearn steps 2-9. Kate does not have to “relearn” everything, as something’s are automatic. It has been incredible to watch her brain rewire itself and relearn many of those automatics. What a blessing for me to watch a miracle of God right before my eyes. Speech is by far the most difficult for Kate at this time. She has her phrases and her speech is clear. Her challenge is word retrieval. If I ask her to repeat after me she cannot do it at this time. I see her attempt the words, but they do not come out like she wants them too. A friend told me that we will now just be a regular couple in the way we communicate. She will point and say, “Ya that.” And I will be the frustrated wife who says, “You never talk to me.” How is that for flipping the stereotype?
I have said several times in my updates “not at this time.” Many have asked what is Kate’s long term prognosis may be? No one but our God can answer that question and I will not begin to speculate. What I do know is Kate has more fire, spunk, drive, determination, and fight then any person than I have ever known. I do not have my head in the sand and I realize that we have a long road ahead in the recovery process. I will not let anyone tell me what Kate’s prognosis will be, because they under estimate my wonderful wife. We will continue to be faithful to our God. There is a Christian band called NewSong that currently has my favorite song out now called “Same God.” Check it out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogFOMvGcma0

We are on target for the NBTS walk. Please join us and help us help others in the fight against brain cancer. Would you consider a small donation? You know that we are a competitive lot and want to win. The beautiful Jackie O passed Kate last week as the individual leader and I want Kate to have that title. Jackie knows that this challenge is on. Join us.
http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/site/TR/Events/BTW-SF?px=1630961&pg=personal&fr_id=1823

Thank you,
Brian

Sunday, April 8, 2012 9:46 AM CDT

Christ has risen.
Is risen indeed.
Because of this we have HOPE.
Hope for today.
Hope for tomorrow.
Hope after life.
Happy Easter!!

Saturday, March 31, 2012 11:03 AM CDT

Have you ever had something taken away from you and are totally ok with it?
We moved rooms from one floor to the other floor yesterday at CPMC. When we got to our new room I looked around asked where is Kate’s wheelchair? They look at me and said she “She is doing fine. We will let the sick people use the wheel chair.” Kate has made HUGE progress this week. She is walking everywhere although someone must be on her right side as she still has some weakness. I like it because I get to put my arm around her as we walk laps around the unit. Her right side is starting to return and that has been very encouraging. I learn something every day as I talk to the Dr’s. Yesterday I found out that if we take three of our millions of Nero receptors two are used to help block out stimulus and one will let the stimulus in. Right now Kate’s brain is not blocking like it use to so she receiving too much stimulus and we have to be careful to monitor the activity and stimulus. Her verbal skills are coming along. This has been the most difficult for her and she has cried (which makes me cry) in frustration not being able to communicate as she was used too. Kate’s crying is a good thing as she is becoming aware of her new battle and fight as her brain starts to connect the dots. When the kids saw this earlier in the week during our visit they reminded her that she is a warrior and needs to fight. I reminded Kate that the same God that led us here will lead us out.
Faith, Trust, and HOPE.
The staff at CPMC is amazing. I was helping the nurse give Kate one of her pills. I told her what I needed her to do and was firm in my directions. I gave her the pill and she swallowed it like a champ. The nurse asked if I had been in the military. I said no we have been together for 18 years and he just laughed. I told you Kate has a “sitter”. I came in one day this week and notice Kate was in hospital pants. I asked her what is with the hospital pants just as her sitter was walking in the room. Her sitter apologized up and down and told me Kate’s cloths was in the dryer down the hall. They were still damp and needed more time. Yes her sitter Maria was doing her wash. I may try to sneak some of my clothes in this week. Kate is making progress and I believe is on target for the “Walk May 5th”
Oh ya…The walk wink, wink... Please consider joining our team or making a contribution to NBTS an incredible group as we unit to fight brain cancer. Just copy and paste the link below.

http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/site/TR/Events/BTW-SF?px=1630961&pg=personal&fr_id=1823

As always thanks for your prayers and blessings.
Brain… I mean Brian

Thursday, March 22, 2012 9:56 PM CDT

On The Road Again…
Well, a rolling stone gather’s no moss. We are moving to a new Acute Rehab Unit. Having worked with Santa Rosa Memorial for two weeks we all felt that Kate would be better served if she goes to California Pacific Medical Center in San Francisco. “CPMC” has a neurological unit which will help Kate with the challenge of her brain injury. We have seen progress in these past two weeks, but the progress has been slow. As you know slow is not in our vocabulary. It is difficult to measure progress in this world of the mind after a significant stroke which Kate has had. I see the progress and I see the frustration in her eyes as she struggles to connect the dots floating around in her brain. We have shared a few tears together as she is aware that her mind is not working like she wants. We sat in the little chapel at the hospital during that moment of tears and I reminded her of her fight, her courage, and her legacy of life that is not over. We had fun this week as the kids came in for a couple visits and again I am impressed with both Riley and Colin’s courage. With Riley’s weak hula dance and Colin making fun of my poor wheel chair driving skills we all laughed very hard. What is life without a good laugh?
So I asked that you continue to pray as we travel this long road.
I will let you know when we get settled at CPMC.
Brian

Wednesday, March 14, 2012 10:24 PM CDT

Love My Honor Roll Students.
Those bumper stickers bug me. But, tonight I understand the pride that a parent feels about their child. My pride has more to do with the character of my children than the grades they receive in school. I know… I know... grades are important. Personally I will take character over grades any day. I want you to know before I do any posting on Caringbridge I will talk with the kids so they understand what the truth is and what I will share with you. We had a great time tonight at dinner talking about the new normal. With Kate now in rehab it has been very hard not to have Mom around. The kids miss her terrible. You can imagine their fear in wanting to see her. She has always bounced back so quickly and so well that this is completely different. When they walk into see her would it be their Mother or weak image of what she once was? Those fears are real and even more so if you are 16 and 13. As I shared some real numbers and percentages with them about Kate’s recovery I could see them give some thought and by the end of our conversation their true character came through and I am so very proud of the both of them. They understand the task ahead and willingly accept what is before them. We know that this will be a process and will take a lot of work on all of our parts, but I see it as giving back to what my wife has given to me and their Mother has given to them.
As we were at dinner Riley shared the scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off when they were in the museum and they zoomed in to the dot on the Renoir painting. Not sure of the exact artist but, Riley said we were that dot and one day she looks forward to seeing the whole picture. One day God will show us the whole picture. Today we will be a part of the whole and be that dot.
A dot full of HOPE and FAITH.
Brian

Friday, March 9, 2012 11:15 PM CST

This Is Not a Sprint. It Is a Marathon.
I write this line for me and a reminder to you. Kate did move today to a rehab facility in Santa Rosa today. As we were preparing to leave UCSF today we had several of the therapists (Heather with Physical and Karen with Occupational) came through to say good luck as they knew we were on discharge. We will visit them on our return appointments. I am always fascinated by the draw people have to Kate. You would think I would understand this by now?? I know I married up.
As we were checking into the rehab I was answering the standard questions for the admitting nurse and she could not believe what Kate has accomplished with all of her “challenges”. She said “It sounds like you make a great team.” I told her yes and we are to get our team back together.
So where is Kate right now? Best way to describe this is by using the words of Dr. Prados when he stopped by last night to visit his favorite patient.(For the record…It is not confirmed that Kate is his favorite, but we know.) As he scrolled through pictures on his cell phone and bragged about his wonderful children, he shared with Kate that she will need to create new memories. For you and me to take a fork to our mouth is a memory. To grab our pants and pull them up or tie our shoes is a memory. All of which she will relearn. Many of these memories will come back quickly and some will take time. Where Kate’s challenge is different is that she is recovering from brain surgery and meningitis with a stroke on top of that. I have told you before that she is a warrior.
The bible tells us “To whom much is given, much is expected.” We have been blessed beyond belief with our friend’s family and you. Yes, you the one reading this… We have been given so much by your friendship, encouragement and support. You have blessed us and I want you to know that we rise to this challenge and will meet that expectation.
Marathon not sprint……Marathon not sprint. If I keep saying it , it might stick.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012 10:43 PM CST

That’s What I’m Talking About!!
After 27 days Kate moved out of ICU yesterday and went down the hall to a regular room at UCSF. How nice to be in a regular room. The process of rehab has started. Today Kate passed a swallow test to make sure that food was going down the right pipes. That means we will remove the feeding tube in the next couple of days. Kate has all three disciplines in therapy right now. (Speech, Physical, and Occupational) I saw the greatest progress with occupational today as Kate worked on her lunch. We have some work to do before we head back to French Laundry for dinner. Do we really have to have so many forks to choose from?
I did look at two rehab facilities today that will help us with follow up care. I was very pleased with the facility here in Santa Rosa and loved the “total” approach they incorporate. I am not sure when Kate will be released from UCSF, but I would guess that we will be close to home in four or five days. We have a goal to be ready and leading the pack for the walk. Oh don’t forget about the walk May 5th. Just in case you did …here is the web link. http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/site/TR/Events/BTW-SF?px=1630961&pg=personal&fr_id=1823
I want to thank so many people for the support that has been overwhelming. I will not begin to list names because there will not be enough space. I do appreciate every card, note, text, and prayer. I did have fun with Kate today as we looked at pictures that her college friends posted on Face Book. The biggest laugh came when I told her “Youngy broke the chair.” Thank you all. Brian

Wednesday, March 7, 2012 10:42 PM CST

That’s What I’m Talking About!!
After 27 days Kate moved out of ICU yesterday and went down the hall to a regular room at UCSF. How nice to be in a regular room. The process of rehab has started. Today Kate passed a swallow test to make sure that food was going down the right pipes. That means we will remove the feeding tube in the next couple of days. Kate has all three disciplines in therapy right now. (Speech, Physical, and Occupational) I saw the greatest progress with occupational today as Kate worked on her lunch. We have some work to do before we head back to French Laundry for dinner. Do we really have to have so many forks to choose from?
I did look at two rehab facilities today that will help us with follow up care. I was very pleased with the facility here in Santa Rosa and loved the “total” approach they incorporate. I am not sure when Kate will be released from UCSF, but I would guess that we will be close to home in four or five days. We have a goal to be ready and leading the pack for the walk. Oh don’t forget about the walk. Just in case you did …here is the web link. http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/site/TR/Events/BTW-SF?px=1630961&pg=personal&fr_id=1823
I want to thank so many people for the support that has been overwhelming. I will not begin to list names because there will not be enough space. I do appreciate every card, note, text, and prayer. I did have fun with Kate today as we looked at pictures that her college friends posted on Face Book. The biggest laugh came when I told her “Youngy broke the chair.” Thank you all. Brian

Sunday, March 4, 2012 2:59 PM CST

I once read a quote from Corrie Ten Boom that spoke of the tapestry of life. On the back side of the tapestry is a mess of sting and knots. Nothing makes sense as we look at the back side. It is not until we turn it over will we see the beauty of what has been created. Every string in its perfect place just as the maker intended. We see the back side and struggle to understand and make sense of the mess. God sees the other side perfect in its beauty
Our life is the back of that tapestry right now. We seem to have a lot of knots and loose string as we face this unique challenge with Kate and her recovery. We will never know the reason for the events of these past couple weeks in our family, but we do know that God is using this family to help create a small corner of that tapestry.
So here is some of the loose string and knots in Kate’s journey. The fevers continue and remain one of the biggest challenges in recovery. The fine folks at UCSF are puzzled as well since the cultures taken from the blood and spinal fluid do not grow out any infection. The fevers could be caused by some of the antibiotics. Last night they started the process of changing up the antibiotics in hopes for better results. Kate has moments of clarity and our challenge is trying to string those moments together and have longer time of focused attention. We are currently in a pattern of good day, bad day. The beautiful Jackie Oswald came by for a short visit and Kate was not able to respond. The next day Kate was able to walk the hall with assistance from an “encore” machine and physical therapy crew. That same day Dr Prados came by and had her laughing. The next day she was good in the morning and she faded in the afternoon as it was evident her pain level increased and fever went back up. I told you it was a roller coaster.
We are doing well as a family. Our dear wonderful friend and coworker “KJ” is here with us and she brought along her dog Steeler. KJ has stepped into the territory for me and with the help of Lifetouch keeps the business going. I am grateful for the support Lifetouch has provided our family at this difficult time. THANK YOU LIFETOUCH.
We have always been open with our journey and I understand it is difficult to watch this struggle from afar. I want you to know that I feel the prayers and appreciate the support that we have been given directly and indirectly. We will continue to fight.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012 9:56 AM CST

I don’t know about you but I am getting tired of this.
I do an update and then I start to relax and then things change in blink of an eye and I have to do another update again. I left the hospital last night around 10pm. Kate was wheeled into surgery around 6pm. I waited for her return in her room. The wonderful nurse Leslie said to me “We need a fresh start. I am going to clean. “Can I help? “Sure… glove up!” We wiped down every cord, replaced every tube, and washed every counter and chair. The nurse said this infection has got to go and she needs a fresh start.
The surgery went well. They did have to remove the bone flap and leave it off. This part might creep you out. Kate has a dent in head where bone once was. This was the same bone flap that they removed to get access to her brain tumor area during previous resections. Think of it this way, that bone had been cut away and was no longer receiving any blood from the body. It was held in place by spit, glue, and screws. OK not spit, I was just testing you to see if you were really reading carefully. Because that bone was no longer receiving blood it had no way to receive good blood to clean out the infection. That bone became a hiding place for those evil little germs of infection. When they returned Kate to her fresh clean room the surgeon said that, “We removed all foreign bodies from the area and she nothing but healthy vascular tissue in there.” This will require Kate to wear a helmet to protect her brain when she goes out for about three months. After those three months they will replace the bone flap with some material to protect that precious brain. I am sure that material will be solid gold or something that will allow Kate to accessorize any outfit. I am encouraged now Kate does not have to fight the infection, she can focus on rehab and being ready for the NBTS Walk May 5th. If you have not had a chance to join “Team Hope” here is your chance…wink….wink.
Cut and paste here
http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/site/TR/Events/BTW-SF?px=1630961&pg=personal&fr_id=1823

Many of you have asked “How are the kids? How are you?
The answer is good, but it is challenging to balance life while our hero, mother, and my best friend is cooped up in that dumb little room on the 8th floor. We have learned to stay in the moment and rely on our faith and each other. Two posts ago I told you of the great progress we were making and I know that we will be on that road in the next couple of days.
As they were settling Kate in her room after surgery with about six people in the room I said to them all. “You guys are looking at a miracle and a warrior. “
That’s Kate.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012 6:07 PM CST

Well, Two steps forward-Three steps back. As I write this, Kate is waiting to head back into surgery. The infection has returned and is showing itself at the site where the ventricle tube goes into her scalp. This of course is a bit discouraging after such a great day yesterday. After seeing Kate's strong return yesterday I am convinced that once we get this infection under control we can get back to kicking some butt. I told you this was a roller coaster. We do not really know the plans of God, but we do know that He causes everything to work together for good for who those who are called to His name. I know that this may sound crazy to some of you, but as we ride this roller coaster we have seen first hand that God is good. Stand with us and choose HOPE. Brian

Tuesday, February 28, 2012 0:26 AM CST

What a Roller Coaster!!
When I last left you it was early Wednesday morning. I had taken two different calls from two different Dr’s Tuesday night telling me Kate’s “insult” (stroke) was significant. I did not get much sleep as my mind raced through the different scenarios and what if’s as a result of the news. It was difficult for me to share those fears and come to grips with what was soon to be our “new normal”. With the news of damage to speech and language areas of the brain my big question was “Would she ever be able to speak again? If she could speak, what does that sound like?” These are just two of the questions as I tried to maintain hope and keep out of the pit of despair. It was a long and difficult week. Kate was not able to vocalize any words or give me any indications that she had comprehension of what was happening around her. My fear increased as the week progressed that recovery would be limited. I left Kate Friday night and I was discouraged. I stay with my parents in San Carlos. After sharing with my Mom my discouragement my cell phone rang. It was Dr Prados telling me how he got a half smile from her when he walked in and some focused concentration from her. I asked how he rated to get a smile and I was there all day with nothing. He said that Kate has a thing for older, balding, gray haired men. That took my spirits through the roof. That was progress!!
Fast forward to today. I made a commitment to step it up today and force the fight. I packed up her lotions, ipod speakers, and that can of whoop arse. I arrived early today and started right away by plugging in some of our worship music on the ipod and doing some passive “range of motion” physical therapy. When Dr McDermott stopped by to check on his favorite patient, we were standing in the door way I turned to see Kate waving her hand and with very clear and concise words, “Hi Sweetie” I was left speechless. We walked in and I asked if she was talking to me or McDermott? McDermott said it was him and I was just the husband. I am getting a complex. We could see Kate attempt to try and speak as McDermott asked her to follow some commands. This was HUGE!! Physical therapy came by and we worked together to push Kate (who of course responded.) Kate has not been out of bed for 11 days. She stood for 40 minutes and sat in the chair for another 40 before she went back to bed. Tomorrow we will walk.
I have started each day by reading a short devotional book called “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. This past week as I read the devotions I know they were written just for me for that day. I take the book with me and I read it to Kate and tell her to fight. I struggled this past week and I will tell you it was the worst week of my life. But as the sun came up today as it will tomorrow, so too is the promise that God will not leave me or forsake me. That was very clear to me last week and I am encouraged by that promise. At every turn in this crazy journey God has given us blessings.
Next post I will tell you about the bad manicure and what a crummy shampoo boy I make. Until then please do me a favor and move to the right. It’s called a “fast lane”
God Bless You,
Brian

Wednesday, February 22, 2012 7:47 AM CST

Another Day , Another Challenge
Good Morning. I wanted to let you know of a challenge that we discovered yesterday through a CT scan. It appears that over the course of the weekend that Kate had what they call an infarction. What that means is she had a stroke. A stroke basically cuts off blood or oxygen to a portion of the brain. This was caused by the infection. As her brain worked to fight the infection some of the blood vessels became inflamed which caused the blood supply to be interrupted in its flow. The primary area which was affected was her memory, speech, and language area.
Now before you race ahead and think the worst let me share some thoughts with you which come from the Doctors. It is important to note that the stroke was not caused by Kate’s brain tumor. Kate is a healthy strong young women and this will be a key in her efforts to recover. Kate has a better chance of recovery because this area of the brain was not damaged by cancer, but by blood restriction. It is our hope that her brain can help correct itself and get blood flowing to as it has in the past. We need your prayers for this to happen. This is always challenging to deal with as there are SO many unknowns. What we do know is this will lengthen Kate’s recovery.
Of course the kids are aware of what is going on and would appreciate your prayers. We had a good discussion about our new challenge and a time to pray for Mom. I would ask that you respect their privacy and not contact them via any multi media. They are concerned as we all are, but this is a lot of information for them to process. If your kids are friends with Riley and Colin please share that they want to go through school just like everyone else. Please allow them that courtesy. They still want to be “normal kids”. It is also difficult for me to take your phone calls and answer text. I want my focus and energy to be on Kate and the kids.
This is new and unchartered territory for us and I want you to know I am encouraged by my faith and grateful to God that loves us through this challenging time.
Brian

Monday, February 20, 2012 10:11 PM CST

It was a challenging weekend for Kate. When she saw the kids Thursday afternoon she was able to respond to them, but not carry on a conversation. The affect of her infection was working against her. Kate has bacterial meningitis called Cerashia (sp) which has an antibiotic called Vicimiacen (sp) and Cephapem(sp) I am not really a Dr, I just play one on TV.
As the days progressed the Dr’s realized that the antibiotics were not helping as they were being delivered through the IV in the blood stream. As her progress was headed the wrong way they decided to also add another antibiotic which was delivered directly into the ventricle. As the ventricle fluid travels down the spinal column and back up to wash the brain that antibiotic will help to wash away the infection. Kate did lose her ability to eat as the infection continued to wreak havoc. They have added a feeding tube that will help keep her nutrition up. It is a tough weight lose program and I am not sure how happy she will be about this program. I think she might put me on this program. If you think of this infection as a cold, you may lose your sense of smell with that cold (infection)and once it clears you get your smell back. I am not saying that Kate has a cold, because meningitis can be serious. What I am saying is her recovery is positive and she should make a full recovery once we get this infection clears. It will be a longer process, but it is Kate so I am sure the process will be faster than you and I can handle.
The kids had a great weekend at snow camp and it is great to have them home. I had fun listening to their stories which will continue.
Thanks for your continued prayers of support.
Brian

Thursday, February 16, 2012 11:51 AM CST

Information is Key…
It is amazing to me how once you have the correct information your perspective changes. I believe information is important, but truth paramount. I have been worried and frustrated with Kate’s progress in her recovery. Understand that coming out of our last surgery Kate was in the car on her way home 48 hours after being wheeled out of the O.R. She has set the bar very high and was not responding in her usual manner. To give you an example of the challenge I would ask a question and not get a response. “Kate do you want the turkey sandwich or pasta?” I would get that look that told me she heard and was trying to figure out the response. Watching her struggle for the answer is difficult and unlike any other time in recovery from three previous brain surgeries. I did speak with Dr McDermott last night and he assured me that her recovery is normal. (But when has Kate been normal??) He also told me how the infection affected “both” side of the brain. In the past we have only dealt with one side of the brain, so the other side compensated for any deficit that may occur. This is her brain is trying to rewire itself to be complete. I appreciate Dr. McDermott calling me and giving me the” truth.” I had hoped to see McDermott in the morning, but he was in Oakland being sworn in as an American Citizen. I don’t care what your view on immigration maybe, we are lucky to have this man on our team. He did register to vote and declared his party as “independent” Welcome to the USA!!
They removed the two “flush in” tubes last night. These are the tubes that were sending antibiotic to the infected area. They should remove the two “flush out” tubes tonight. So Kate remains in ICU because of these tubes and drains. When I say ICU I know it may freak some of you out. She must remain in there because of the sensitive nature of the drains. McDermott said that Kate will remain in ICU through the weekend.
The kids head off to snow camp with the youth group this weekend. They are both very excited for the weekend. Jean (Kate’s Mom) headed back to Wisconsin today. She was very helpful and we enjoyed having her with us. I will miss my magic blue bucket. You see I place my dirty clothes in a blue bucket in our room. No, I don’t leave my underwear on the floor. When I come home after my visits with Kate, my bucket is empty and the clothes are folded and clean on my bed. POOF MAGIC!!
I will try to give an update this weekend on the progress. Till then I am grateful that you have prayed for me and Kate and the kids.
I would like to share a bible verse with you that help me. From 2 Corinthians 4:15
15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Sunday, February 12, 2012 5:55 PM CST

What a difference a day makes. Well let me fill in some of the blanks for those that have been following along. Wednesday we went to the ER with what we thought was a migraine. We know know that it was the start of the infection. I called our friends at UCSF to make them aware of Kate's headache and they said to get a CT scan. So Thursday morning we head back to the ER where they did the CT scan. The reason for CT at the ER was to have a Dr evaluate the scan. As day say progressed we could see the signs of the infection increasing by Kate's confusion and swelling on her left side. The ER Dr did a spinal tap to get a culture of what the infection maybe. A preliminary report showed no sugar in her spinal fluid, which is very dangerous as our brains require sugar to function. So there were some tense moments for me as my mind raced ahead to the dangers we might see. No sugar means possible stroke and or hemorrhage. The orders came through to transfer Kate to UCSF Thursday evening.  As I followed the transport ambulance my fears increased. Our mind can be our friend and it can also be our foe. Kate was very agitated through the night as the infection played havoc. She was hooked up to IV's but tried to get out of bed. Onetime was to make sure Riley had all of her books for school. Next time she was checking the fridge for broccoli. It made for a long night. One very funny moment was watching the nurse react to Kate asking him if we wanted a glass of wine. She told him that we had some white wine open. At one point she even managed to pull out one of her IV's, which made a nice mess. Morning finally came with the Dr's arriving to discuss treatment. Dr McDermott was quick to make sure Kate's care was quick and calculated. When I asked Dr. McDermott how serious the situation was, he looked at me with confidence and said, "This is an infection and we know how to deal with infections." He told me the three options and the progression of each one. The final option was surgery. As they went through the progression and moved towards surgery, I was comforted by Dr. McDermott's attention to Kate and his desire to do his best to "fix" her. As we prep for surgery once again we had confidence knowing we were doing what was best for Kate. McDermott called after surgery and I did my best to follow him in the conversation. Don't laugh... You try to follow a brain surgeon in conversation.  I did see Dr Prados in the parking lot as I was leaving the hospital. He was able to translate the terms McDermott used. Dr Prados was encouraged by McDermott's report and was excited as he shared his report. Today Kate is sleeping a lot which is typical and much needed for her to heal. I will leave you today with a quote from Dr Prados. As we were parting ways in the parking lot I said that it should ok and he said " Of course it is going to be ok...It's Kate."

Friday, February 10, 2012 8:09 PM CST

All is well. Kate came out of a short surgery to clean and flush out the infection. Dr. McDermott said that as far as infections go this was not to bad. I won't go into detail for those who may have just had dinner. She does have some drains coming out of her head that will help flush out the infection. One under the dura (which is the layer between the scalp bone and dura lining) and one between the dura and skin. They are what they call "wash in wash out (big medical term) drains. This will allow them to send antibiotics in and out of the infected area. The recovery will be longer because of the infection, so i will keep you posted as details become available. With the multiple tubes coming out of her head she does resemble Medusa. I am sure I would be in huge trouble if I posted a photo. Wish me luck. Thanks to the MANY of you that reached out to me today. The love, support, and encouragement is over whelming.

Friday, February 10, 2012 3:23 PM CST

Rubber band man. The key is flexibility. We have a change in plans. The Dr's were concerned about the amount of fluid that was collecting so they put in a drain to get rid of the fluid. They also took a sample of the fluid and did not like the look of the fluid. " To cloudy. " this is a sign of infection. We have decided to return to surgery and flush out the area of infection and put in a in-out flush drain. This will allow them to send in the correct antibiotic to clean out the infection. We could not be in better hands with Dr. McDermott and are confident in concern for Kate. Pray for Mike and his staff as they prepare to work on Kate.

Friday, February 10, 2012 1:23 AM CST

Small set back. We (Kate and I) are in ICU at UCSF. Kate has developed an infection that is in the area of her surgery. We always have great plans and ideas but we are not God. That is a responsability that I do not want. Kate developed a strong headache last night which we now know was the start of the infection. After some heavy drugs for what we thought was a migraine they sent us home. The next morning we spoke with our friends at UCSF and they suggested we head back to the ER. We did a CT scan and hung out at Sutter for sometime till UCSF had a bed for Kate. I want to thank you for your prayers. I always struggle with how much to assert myself when it comes to Kate's care. She has always been out front leading the charge as I pick up some of the pieces and provide wise council. I was grateful for a few friends that provided some great advise that made for a long night, but I appreciated their honesty that made me a person (insert joke about me already great here ;0)The importance of an advocate as Dr's concur and discuss patient care is vital. Thanks Mark, Paula, and Mikilea (sp) it made a huge difference tonight. I was glad to work with our friends at UCSF to come up with a solid plan. Thanks checking in. Now that I am getting good at these updates, I will update soon. Brian

Saturday, February 4, 2012 2:08 PM CST

One quick edition!!!!!!

Follow the YOUTUBE videos I placed on here for more info on my recovery!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yoz1kIARPb0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7u3k8-a5rU&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL



Home Sweet Home
Well Kate came home on Wednesday in the afternoon. Only 48 hours after her third craniotomy. She was released right from the ICU. It was funny to hear the nurse’s say that they did not remember the last time that someone was released straight from IUC. As usual the staff at UCSF was outstanding. We have always been passionate about the team we have there. From Dr. Prados to Dr. McDermott and everyone in between could not be more professional. Their care, compassion, and dedication is unsurpassed. We could not be in better hands.
She is doing very well and is resting. She was very happy that she was able to take a bath this morning. We are having fun playing with a Geiger meter that shows how much radiation she is emitting.
Wanted to let you know how much we appreciate your prayers. So far we have seen no signs of infection and we are being very careful to make sure it does not happen.
Kate’s Mom (Grandma Jean) arrives tonight. It will be nice to have her around.
This is a wild ride we are on and we are glad that you have joined us.
Brian

Monday, January 30, 2012 8:18 PM CST

Can you say, “Been there, done that.”
As we headed to UCSF this morning everything seems very normal. We chatted on the drive and I ask Kate if she was anxious or nervous? This being our third rodeo we know what to expect. We did hit a minor delay upon our arrival. Kate was to be the first one up this morning, but her operating room was taking by an emergency pancreas transplant. Fortunately we were only delayed by hour and a half. Surgery went very well. Spoke with Dr. McDermott and his report was positive and encouraging. He reports no visible tumor to the naked eye. They did go ahead with the brachytherapy which meant that there were active tumor cells. Originally he said they would implant 12 radioactive seeds. The cavity was larger as he cleared out dead tissue leftover from the Gama Knife treatment. He did end up implanting 18 seeds. These seeds will work their magic and kill off any remaining cancer cells. As I write this she is still resting. Now is my chance to turn off the lights to see if she will glow in the dark or at least pick up a radio station or two if I can open her mouth wide enough. Now we begin the process of healing.
Some people ask “Do you get angry that this cancer keeps coming back?” The obvious answer is yes. But if you look a little deeper you realize that this is truly a blessing. Now before you tune out or call the guys in the white coats look at this from my angle. I have watch my children handle adversity and seen them struggle with life and the fear of their Mother’s death. They have matured to a level that many adults will never comprehend as they face these life issues. Do wish that they would have learned it another way? Yes, but that is not the hand that they were dealt. I could not be more proud of Riley and Colin. That is a blessing. There is not a day that goes by without someone reaching out to Kate for support as they face the struggle of this dreaded disease. It is a privilege to support those people and be that beacon of hope that they so desperately need. That is a blessing. We have bonded with so many wonderful people that we stand with in the ugly world of cancer. We rejoice in the victory and cry with them in the setbacks. The enrichment of those relationships is life changing. That is a blessing. Unfortunately some do not make it and we then receive another email saying how much her support meant to their loved one that was lost. Again another blessing. How can we continue to be angry when we are so richly blessed.
When Kate and I received the diagnosis of stage four Glioplastoma, her brother told her, “Of course it is stage four brain cancer. That is because it will be that much more miraculous when you are healed.” Some might say today, “I don’t see a miracle with her going in for a third craniotomy.” I say look closer. Most folks do not make it past two years in this crappy little club. Kate is eight years out. There is your miracle. My children have grown up with a mother, me a wonderful wife, you a friend. There is the miracle, right before our eyes. All you have to do is look.
You have heard me say that we always have choice in this life. Is it a blessing or curse, hope or defeat, joy or disappear. You know what we choose. Join us
For those of you wondering… yes, Kate did have $20.00 in her pocket today. Just in case!
Thanks be to our God, maker of heaven and earth.
Brian