Approaching month 9 and it appears I am randomly posting. 

It’s less random when you know that I am less than 48 hours from leaving CA (where Zac’s physical body rests). Leaving to see his cousin get married. Happy for her & excited for her future but I’ll never see my own child do the same. 

I decided to stop posting to not get repetitive. Grief includes playing the same ‘what if’s’ in loop. 

Everyone has their own time table or their own idea of what mine should be & how long it should last. After it’s their turn to have a loss of their own child they can decide for themselves. This is my cobblestone road to walk & I speak for nobody but myself.

I’m trying to get stronger. Some nights I sit and think about things people say and how I should have reacted.

For example: The next time someone says me,” Are you back to work full-time yet?” I think I should turn around and say,” why do you ask?” “How long would you have been off work?” Then maybe, “ So why did you get that haircut? 😆 

How long do you think it would take you to get over the loss of your own child? 

Today I had to do an online intensive basic life support course. Simple enough. I’ve basic life support too many times to count yet today I had moments where I had to pause because I saw visions of my own son getting CPR.  I could hear the voice of Dr. Valentine saying, “I’m sorry it took so long for us to come out and talk to you but we had to bring him back eight times.”  

The computer screen showed images of tubes used for airways in hospitals and all I could think of was the pink foam bubbling out of Zacs’ tracheotomy. I knew I had to sit and compose myself and move on because I knew I didn’t have the luxury of just walking away when the emotion was making me panic. With only a minute or so of pause I managed to get through it and even then people seemed to wonder why it took so long.

Only after getting out of work did it slam into me and really break me down. I think I’m doing great considering how I really feel under the smile and passivity. 

When people are rude I am usually quiet & non-combative but someday I hope to get my strength back; to stand strong against adversity for not only myself but my soul: Zac. 

A few friends have heard me say this and now it’s public. 

I am doing my best to enjoy today & often I find laughter and joy but I am also not afraid of dying. 

I’m living today for today, trying to find goals to excite me to live beyond today yet I am ready and willing to join my son whenever called. 

These things are not said to make others sad or mad. I say them in strength not weakness. Weakness comes in silent waves. Not talking about it gives them strength that I can feel pull me. I’ve been yelled at for how I feel; helping me to feel isolated.

When I discuss the thoughts the wind dissipates and I can feel the momentum disappear. Zac didn’t talk about it out loud & we know that ending.

facts: 

I have NO plan to fight cancer if it comes my way. I don’t want to live long enough to get dementia. 

If I have cardiac arrest I don’t want to be brought back to life with broken ribs & wait for something worse to take me. 

I have a trust, I have a place to rest and I have my headstone in the works...it will still be there if I live another 40 years. 

For now; eat drink and be merry but I will also be honest and walk away if I need reflection or tears.