It has been 365 days since my mother died. 365 days without easily feeling her presence, witnessing her strength of spirit, hugging her- the ease of being with her physical body even though ALS had taken so much. It has been the  saddest time of my life and it feels like I will have a broken heart forever. 

I miss practicing yoga with my mom. I miss Naked Feet Yoga studio, yoga and essential oil workshops with Michelle, and Dragonfly Yoga Barn most of all. We were lucky to have had such special time together. The handfuls of yoga classes I have taken the past year have been tough- mostly noticing injury, stress, exhaustion and grief in my body. The connection to my mom and gratitude comes, but usually after many tears and it has been hard to prioritize this time for myself.

Yoga was our quality time together but I also miss family dinners, hanging out, watching movies and shows. I miss her buying my groceries at Costco, since I still go to Costco and feel her presence there. My mother organized our family, not to mention the house! She cared for us in so many ways. I cannot explain how significantly her absence is felt or how long it takes to adapt to our new reality.

I talk to my mom often and can usually feel her response or at least her presence. She is very much alive within me and my brothers. I feel her watching over us. She assures me that my father and brothers will be okay and she hates that  we have to go through the heartbreak and all the difficulties of life without her.

I do not know how I would have made it through this year without my son. This most painful year has simultaneously been the most joyous. I see my mother in Liam. He has her eyes and sense of humor, and is just as expressive, and relational as her. He learns names quickly and engages with family and friends all day. He is strong- willed and knows what he wants! I am still learning how to help him know her and it is very sad for me not to be able to make new memories with her. I take solace in knowing how much she loves and delights in him and how proud she is of myself and Christine. 

Living through my mother’s illness and all that has followed reminds me of the preciousness of life. Last week a friend lost her mother on her 13th birthday in a tragic motor vehicle accident. It is still too awful to fully realize. Her mother will be mourned and celebrated a year (1/20) after we celebrated my mother’s life. We have no control over so much of what happens in our lives nor most of the time how it will end. I was fortunate to have been with my mom the last two years and to have been able to say goodbye. I have endless gratitude for her community that held all of through such a difficult time. I miss my mothers people and appreciate everyone who has kept in touch and continue to be there, especially to support my dad. Most of all, I am grateful to have had my incredible mom. 

This week I honored her and took care of myself by making spaghetti and meatballs for my colleagues. Friends hosted dinner for us and made space to talk about her. Today, I talked with my brothers and father after I spent the day at Kripalu.  I am grateful for my capacity to feel deeply. Today, in addition to the grief, I feel strong, nourished, and connected to mom. She would have loved the gentle yoga class. The theme was love.