For the next few weeks I was still experiencing pain and my stomach was rapidly getting larger and harder and I still had not had a period. In my mind I kept chalking all of my symptoms up to something else; “COVID has everyone on edge. I haven’t seen people in ages, how is everyone else coping? I am sure I’m just stressed. I’ve completely changed careers and was without a job for a little while, I am sure it’s just more stress.” In fact, in January 1, 2021 I wrote on a pad my resolutions. They were: 

Goals for 2021 

 

I remember talking to my dad on my way home for work and telling him that I was still having pain. I remember saying, “I need to make an appointment with a gyno because what if this is something serious. Like, what if this could effect my ability to have children.” All while thinking that that would never happen to me, I’m only 32. 

 

Finally, I made an appointment with an OBGYN. March 4th was the earliest they could get me in and as that was only two weeks away it sounded great. March 4th is the day after my birthday, I was turning 33. 

 

Everyday up to the day that I went in to see the dr I was having pain and everyday I was explaining it away. I was seeing my stomach grow and I could feel how hard it had gotten and I was embarrassed. 

 

On the day of my appointment I had a little pep talk with my roommate and parents. (My mom and dad were visiting for my birthday and we had plans to go to Waco after the appointment.) I felt pretty confident at this point that the chronic pain I was experiencing was not right and so something must be wrong, I thought PCOS. My roommate had read that women really have to fight to be checked for PCOS and so she and I wrote down all of my symptoms and what I wanted him to do to check for it. I felt prepared to begin to be diagnosed…sort of. 

 

At the clinic, the very first thing the nurse said was that what I was experiencing was not normal and that the dr would want an ultrasound. I told her that I didn’t think that was necessary, I had already had one and it showed nothing was wrong. She said that was fine and I could wait for the dr but because of my symptoms he would likely request one. I sat there and thought about it for a second and thought it strange that these are the same symptoms I explained to the urgent care dr and he said they were nothing. I agreed to the ultrasound and was whisked in. After about 10 mins the ultrasound tech told me that she was having a really hard time finding my uterus and called in two other nurses. 

 

I literally thought, “I know I have one….how is it hard to find?” It NEVER crossed my mind that I would have a tumor. Never. Not once. I had been explaining my symptoms away for months and sitting in the drs office, hearing a nurse tell me my symptoms were unusual, seeing nurses silently discuss my ultrasound and I was still explaining explaining everything away. 

 

The rest most people know, I was told that I had a 20cm tumor on my ovary and that I needed to see an oncologist right away. I went to see an oncologist thinking that a tumor is scary but surely it would be benign. 

 

At this point I was telling no one. I told my family because my mother made me…and because I knew I needed prayers but I was very clear that I did not anyone else to know. 

 

I was embarrassed to have a tumor. Please let that sink in. I was embarrassed to have a tumor. 

 

Before surgery I am at the point where the tumor is growing so quickly I have trouble keeping food down and the pain is constant. I could only eat 4 chocolate covered almonds at a time before vomiting, I was in agony because as the tumor grew and got harder my organs had to make room for it. Everything in my body was being squished and pinched as I was waiting for my surgery date. I refused to tell even my best of friends because I didn’t think it would be a big deal. There was a pandemic, for goodness sakes! Everyone had bigger things to worry about and I was sure I could get by with surgery and recovery without anyone knowing because the whole world had shut down. And, truthfully, I didn’t want anyone to know that I was unwell. Going in to surgery my oncologist said he hoped it would be benign but because of my family history with cancer I should think about the possibility of it being cancer. 

 

During surgery he removed an almost 10 inch tumor that collapsed when broached causing him to have to scrape remnants out from all over my organs and tissue. He drained 17lbs of ascites fluid and took samples of surrounding tissue for biopsies. I was in the hospital for a week. 

 

The surgeon told me biopsies can take some time and he would be going on vacation so I should expect a call in two weeks. Recovery would be 8 weeks and I could finally eat an entire chick fil a chicken sandwich without vomiting so I was in no rush. Seven days after surgery I am called by my surgeon who is about to leave on vacation but wanted to call as soon as he got the results so I could prepare myself. 

 

The tumor was filled with cancerous cells and there is more inside me. Stage 2, borderline stage 3 ovarian cancer because it had started to spread. Everything would need to be removed, my uterus, my fallopian tubes, my remaining ovary, everything was filled with cancer and it would continue to spread if not removed. I had small nodules on other organs that he wanted to attack with chemotherapy as soon as I’m recovered enough from surgery. He said, "prepare yourself for battle". 

 

In my research of ovarian cancer it said that less than 1000 women a year, under the age of 55, will be diagnosed with ovarian cancer. 

 

I am here, five chemos and two major surgeries later with one more chemo to go before my cancer should be in remission. 

 

I am here and I am her. I am the woman that believed this would never happen and when I was faced with daily pain, evident of something definitely happening, I explained it away. 

 

To all my sweet, generous, kind friends; please get checked. Believe your body when it tells you something is wrong. If necessary take the damn day off to get checked. Never doubt your symptoms. I promise you, if they are real symptoms, there is a real cause. 

 

Thank you for reading. I know that most of you know how private of a person I am; in honor of ovarian cancer awareness month please share this post with people to encourage much needed dialogue about taking the time to get checked. It really could save your life.  

 

XOX Gini