Journal entry by Trisha Trixie Hunter-Merrill —
Going into surgery on Mar 29th for my 3rd Cancer Surgery, my 8th or 9th surgery since 2016. So freaking many I can't even remember! The upcoming surgery is risky to remove the tumor on the rectal anastomosis because it is on many sacral and lumbar spine nerves so they have called in a NeuorSpine Surgeon to possibly do the surgery and the Colorectal Surgeon may end up assisting. They could cut a nerve wrong and I could either end up with an Ostomy bag for life, a catheter for life or paralyzed.
They are going to try to do robotic, but they are not sure if they can get to it as it is low and near the rectal anastomosis, plus those nerves, so I might have to be opened even. They don't know if it will be 4,6,8,10 hours. There are many known unknowns. Meaning, I know and accept that we are aware of the unknown risks.
All that being said, I still 200% feel this surgery needs to go on. There is a slim chance this surgery could be related solely to first cancer in 2016 and perhaps was just microscopic and they couldn't see it back then. A tumor board even met about me and my case was presented to them and discussed. Their only main concern was the neuro-spine issue. Otherwise, the Tumor Board, the Oncologist, the Surgeon, my Primary, my Nurse team, all of us feel like surgery is still a go and possible to give me a better quality of life.
There could be hope that if we remove this, we might have gotten it all this time. Mostly because I am so healthy everywhere else in my body but this cancer. That would be so nice if that is true. While I have allowed myself a small ounce of hope, I also have reminded myself that we thought we got all cancer the first time and it came back and we thought we got it the second time and now here it is again, so we shall see. If that is true, I might not have to do chemo or maintenance meds and might be able to travel more and maybe in a year or two actually MOVE to Costa Rica!!
There also is a 6% chance that something could go wrong. Another chance that it takes longer than they wish. A worse finding that once they open me open, there is more cancer than they thought, or possibly that one of the things happen as I said above. Here is the weird part. I'm ok with any of those. So what, I have an ostomy. I would still be alive. So what, I have a catheter...great, I would still be alive. So what, I might end up in a Wheelchair...I..Would...Still...Be...Alive!
So, to me, it is all worth the risk.
We have backup doctors. My niece is here from Iowa to be with me and my spouse for the surgery and to help as needed. I have completely decluttered my house to only keep the essentials I desire for now. My family has all been notified and I am fully prepared.
I am ready for whatever happens.
I am positive about the surgery.
But I am also not stupid and know things could go south.
75% of patients that go in fully ready are at ease more and have better recoveries and outcomes for their future.
So I am ready. Fully.
I am also 1000% at ease about the surgery and whatever happens in life.
If for some reason this is my final farewell, I am ok with that too.
I have left a Legacy on this Earth and who knows, maybe aliens or angels watching down on me too!
I have made peace with my world, my family, my higher power and mostly, myself.
I have been a Good Human. I have been a Starfish Saver. I have been an EmpowerMentor. I have been Ms. Courage. I have been The PEP Club Expert. I have been The Sprinkler of Fabulous.
I have been The Crusader for Humanity.
I am a Phoneix. I will rise again from my ashes if I need be.
The Phoenix is an ancient holy bird. Every time it dies, it bursts into flame and is reborn from the ashes, reincarnating into an even stronger body, in a never-ending cycle.
I am an Angel. A Seraphim."A Burning Angel"
Seraphim angels burn with passion for God that ignites the fiery love that emanates from them. The Bible and Torah describe love as "a blazing fire, like a mighty flame" (Song of Solomon 8:6)
Only one knows the end to my story if it is so. If not, then perhaps my purpose is not complete.
Regardless, I am ready.
They are going to try to do robotic, but they are not sure if they can get to it as it is low and near the rectal anastomosis, plus those nerves, so I might have to be opened even. They don't know if it will be 4,6,8,10 hours. There are many known unknowns. Meaning, I know and accept that we are aware of the unknown risks.
All that being said, I still 200% feel this surgery needs to go on. There is a slim chance this surgery could be related solely to first cancer in 2016 and perhaps was just microscopic and they couldn't see it back then. A tumor board even met about me and my case was presented to them and discussed. Their only main concern was the neuro-spine issue. Otherwise, the Tumor Board, the Oncologist, the Surgeon, my Primary, my Nurse team, all of us feel like surgery is still a go and possible to give me a better quality of life.
There could be hope that if we remove this, we might have gotten it all this time. Mostly because I am so healthy everywhere else in my body but this cancer. That would be so nice if that is true. While I have allowed myself a small ounce of hope, I also have reminded myself that we thought we got all cancer the first time and it came back and we thought we got it the second time and now here it is again, so we shall see. If that is true, I might not have to do chemo or maintenance meds and might be able to travel more and maybe in a year or two actually MOVE to Costa Rica!!
There also is a 6% chance that something could go wrong. Another chance that it takes longer than they wish. A worse finding that once they open me open, there is more cancer than they thought, or possibly that one of the things happen as I said above. Here is the weird part. I'm ok with any of those. So what, I have an ostomy. I would still be alive. So what, I have a catheter...great, I would still be alive. So what, I might end up in a Wheelchair...I..Would...Still...Be...Alive!
So, to me, it is all worth the risk.
We have backup doctors. My niece is here from Iowa to be with me and my spouse for the surgery and to help as needed. I have completely decluttered my house to only keep the essentials I desire for now. My family has all been notified and I am fully prepared.
I am ready for whatever happens.
I am positive about the surgery.
But I am also not stupid and know things could go south.
75% of patients that go in fully ready are at ease more and have better recoveries and outcomes for their future.
So I am ready. Fully.
I am also 1000% at ease about the surgery and whatever happens in life.
If for some reason this is my final farewell, I am ok with that too.
I have left a Legacy on this Earth and who knows, maybe aliens or angels watching down on me too!
I have made peace with my world, my family, my higher power and mostly, myself.
I have been a Good Human. I have been a Starfish Saver. I have been an EmpowerMentor. I have been Ms. Courage. I have been The PEP Club Expert. I have been The Sprinkler of Fabulous.
I have been The Crusader for Humanity.
I am a Phoneix. I will rise again from my ashes if I need be.
The Phoenix is an ancient holy bird. Every time it dies, it bursts into flame and is reborn from the ashes, reincarnating into an even stronger body, in a never-ending cycle.
I am an Angel. A Seraphim."A Burning Angel"
Seraphim angels burn with passion for God that ignites the fiery love that emanates from them. The Bible and Torah describe love as "a blazing fire, like a mighty flame" (Song of Solomon 8:6)
Only one knows the end to my story if it is so. If not, then perhaps my purpose is not complete.
Regardless, I am ready.
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