The search for answers continues.  Monday was an especially challenging day.  Tobye is chafing at the restriction of not driving and felt really trapped on Monday.  She called the neurologist's office as instructed, but was told that they couldn't see her for over a month.  Monday evening, she had some additional syncopal episodes, one that would have taken her to the floor had I not been able to catch her.  She was frightened. Tobye didn't feel like she could exist within the bubble of safety I was trying to physically erect (mostly with my immediate presence) around her. I was frightened.  I didn't feel like I could handle the possibility of another traumatic injury.  The prospect of such uncertainty for weeks seemed unbearable. 

Yesterday was a much better day.  I left for work while trying to accept that I could not control what the day would bring...that I could not provide the safety that I wished to for Tobye.  I know that it is an illusion that I have control of much of anything, but sometimes the bald facts cannot be disputed.  In those moments, I long for the illusion that if I do my best, I can create a good result. Surrendering that illusion is difficult for me.

The neurologist is looking for options and may have something at the end of December.  Tobye is trying to get into the sleep specialist in the meantime.  We are still feeling totally helpless and dependent on three other doctors to understand our urgency at finding answers and treating this so Tobye can resume a more normal life...so we can resume a normal life.  However, yesterday Tobye had a better day physically and was not "fuzzy" when I got home from school.  She didn't have any episodes in the evening while I was here.  And, given her accomplishments and account of her day, it is unlikely that she had any episodes during the day.

We will  both take a good day.