I survived chemo, but it took my hands and feet. After my 11th treatment the neuropathy became so severe that my oncologist said "one more treatment will put you in a wheelchair for the rest of your life."

I miss writing,  drawing,  my watercolors.  Art was such a massive outlet for me and losing it has been difficult. 

But I'm grateful for every day.  It almost seems like borrowed time. I see people handle this with grace and fortitude and I feel clumsy with my words and my thoughts don't string together easily anymore.

Tamoxifen has caused massive side effects. 

I want my mom especially in times like this. I miss her hugs and how no matter what I was dealing with she had a way of saying it would be ok. 

Her dementia is so bad. She's in a home states away. I call almost daily but she cannot speak full sentences and I do not think she knows me. 

My mother in law has been so helpful,  with my son, with helping me through chemo. And now she's been diagnosed.  A year to the day almost from my own diagnosis.  Triple negative.  I hate it so much. 

I miss painting, drawing,  laughing. 

What do I do with all of this pain?