Tomorrow I go back to work.  I have a plethora of mixed emotions.  Sometimes peace, sometimes anger, sometimes anguish, sometimes I feel paralyzed and sometimes I feel hope.  

You see the world doesn't wait for Cancer.  It doesn't wait for answers, it doesn't wait for me to be ready.  It doesn't wait for us to savor all the time I can and it doesn't even wait for love.  The world tells me there is a bottom line that cannot be ignored.  It tells me that insurance can't wait to be paid for once this journey is over.  It tells me that it doesn't care about eternal things, but about the here and now. 

Two words I have learned over the last two months... BUT GOD.  You see God sees the most important things like our breaking hearts and overwhelming love for each other.  He sees the fear I have at times over being without my soul mate.  How do I know this?  Because I go back to work and will work with one of the kindest, warmest hearts there is... and a heart who knows God as well.  Because He has used so many people to come alongside us and love us.  He has sent people into our lives who get the fact that the road we walk on right now is one of the hardest a human being can ever be asked to travel and they love us unconditionally.  He has made it possible for this tapestry of people he has blessed us with over the years, to help us keep all our medical bills paid so far.  They have helped us keep all our bills paid and needs to be met.  Some may say this is all coincidence, but not Chris and I.... we say... BUT GOD.  You see, He is bigger than the hardest things this life can send your way.  His shoulders are big enough to handle all the tough and accusatory questions I can throw at Him.  He sees me and is okay with the days I struggle to trust His plan.  He is okay when I feel angry and lost and loves me just the same.  When I cry, He cries too... in fact, He tells me that He collects all my tears because they are precious to Him.  He sends me the perfect words of love and encouragement through people at the exact moment I need them.  

Today a dear, precious friend of mine sent me a blog post that she said made her think of me.  It is a post from Nightbirde... a beautiful soul who lost her battle with Cancer but left this earth knowing that God knew her.  To say that I identified with her words is an understatement.  As I read her post, the hot tears rolled again.  I connected with her heart towards her Father in Heaven on a deep guttural level.  One thing she said pierced my heart to its core.  I wish I could say I don't identify with it, but I could not have said it better myself.  She talks about God meeting her on the bathroom floor.  She said, "Tears have become the only prayer I know."  There have been times when the fear and pain inside cannot be put into words and the only thing that comes out is an anguished sound that contains more pain, begging, and fear than I want to admit.  The roller coaster of these emotions has taken my footing on many days and on more days, has taken my words.  The funny thing is, I started Caring Bridge thinking that words have always been a way I process and I thought they would help me to communicate with people who care about and are following our journey.  I have only posted 3 times in the last two months however... the words just have a hard time coming.  BUT GOD... He doesn't need eloquent words... my ugly cries will work for Him.  He doesn't need me to have "faith of steel" every day... He just wants my honesty.

We found out last week that surgery is off the table... at this point, gaining time through possible months of remission will be our best case scenario... and yet I will say it again... BUT GOD... He can heal Chris with a breath... he can stump our doctors and make something that makes zero sense, a possibility; and if He doesn't... He can carry us through the toughest Red Sea we will ever cross... you see... "BUT GOD" makes all things possible... even the impossible.

On the detail side of things, we have our 4th chemo treatment next week and then a PET SCAN to see how the cancer is responding to chemo and immunotherapy.  Chris already feels it working for the good.  He can eat more when he is not nauseous, and he can swallow way easier than he could 4 weeks ago.  After the PET SCAN, we will meet with our oncologist to find out what our journey will look like with surgery off the table.  I go back tomorrow and will work Monday through Thursday for now. This will give me Fridays to be with Chris first and foremost on one of his chemo days, but also to have a little more time together than just the weekends.  

So this brings me back to where I started.  The world doesn't wait... BUT GOD is with us... we are not alone.  He will never leave us or forsake us, no matter the picture our circumstances paint for us.  He is a good Father, His mercies are new every morning, and I cling to these 2 words every day... BUT GOD.